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azsazz · 1 year

Text

All the Words We Cannot Say

Azriel x Reader

Summary: Feyre and Rhys had made a pact. And the worst had come true.

Warnings: Death of MC, funeral, SAD AF

Word Count: 1,948

Notes: Idk why I wrote this tbh.

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The babe in your arms is restless, writhing and squirming, crying out for his parents.

Nyx’s screams are the only thing to be heard throughout Velaris, slicing through the bitter cold as it nears a new day. The babes screeches engulf each and every citizen, writhing up through the crowd and echoing between the sandy colored buildings, topped with snow. The delicate icicles are knocked free from the rooftops, but not even they dare make a noise as they shatter in the cobblestone streets.

The Sidra shudders, water rippling at the surface of the otherwise stagnant river, frozen much like the rest of the city. No one dares move, the entirety of the metropolis gathered in the most beloved section of the square – The Rainbow.

Males and females stand tall, and the children even seem to be sensing the seriousness of the situation, not a single shuffle of feet or sniffle to be heard. Some situated with their heads bowed, others with their chins lifted to the dark night sky, no stars or moon in sight.

You shift Nyx in your arms, trying to avoid his flailing limbs as best as you can.

The tiny obsidian crown he’d donned when you and the Inner Circle had arrived is now in Azriel’s hands. The circlet of midnight stone had been ripped off by his small fists in a tantrum of rage, as if he could sense that there was something wrong, even at the young age he was.

Azriel fingers the tiny jewels inlaid into the metal, his throat working around a thick swallow.

His eyes are burning. They had been since he’d heard the news. He can hardly look up at them, didn’t want this to be how he remembered them, and everytime Nyx howls from your arms the cavern in his chest splits further and further.

He has no idea how you’re managing when all he wants to do is collapse and let the tears fall and anguish out, everything he’s pent up since he’d heard the news.

How was anyone managing the death of their High Lord and Lady?

He’d spent the first few days furious with the both of them for making such a stupid decision, their pact of love, an act so reckless that neither of them had thought about the future of their outcome. They thought they’d get lucky and live for thousands of years, protected and in love.

Now Nyx is parentless.

Azriel hadn’t felt like he’d been able to breathe, the announcement of their deaths had punched the air from his stomach, seemed to collapse his lungs, his bones had turned to dust as he crashed onto the ground, knees cracking against the floors of the River House.

He hadn’t felt the pain though, because he couldn’t feel anything other than the pure, raw, sadness that crashed around him in waves.

You’d been there. Been with Nyx when his father’s power had shifted to him. You knew it because his violet eyes had glowed with the magic, his wallop of surprise. Your mouth had soured, face tightened, trying to control the sudden rush of emotions so you could care for the distressed babe in your arms.

This…he doesn’t raise his head, peeking up from under thick lashes lined with tears that had frozen over quickly. The coldest day of the year, of his life.

This is the hardest thing he’s ever had to do, lay his High Lord and Lady–his brother and sister–to rest.

There’s an urge creeping up inside of you, crawling from deep within your chest like vines, an ache to help take the babes pain away as he wriggles tirelessly in your hold.

You are at a crossroads with the feeling. The High Lord in your arms should be awake to see this, but no child should have to.

Nyx is still reaching out to his mother and father before him, resting in exquisite coffins up on the dais built in the center of the city. Plush cushions rest beneath them, covered in the darkest black you’ve ever seen, swallowing all of the color like a void. They’re too still, too pale, faces resting peacefully as they lie side by side.

They’re dressed in the Night Court’s finest, deep velvety fabric that is so dark it hardly even looks like anything besides a block of darkness. A silver coin is perched upon both of their closed lips, the side with the Night Court crest – the mountaintops hugged by the three stars Azriel could look over his shoulder to see – facing up to the pitch black sky.

Whoever had prepared them had placed Feyre’s tattooed hand in Rhysands, the High Lord and Lady seeming just in love as they were as they were when they–

Azriel sends a pulse of encouragement down the bond, and your chest tightens. You glimpse down at Amren, Rhys’ second in command now ruler of the Night Court until the babe in your arms turns of age.

She doesn’t spare a glance towards you, her black bob jerking as she gives the order.

You inhale as much of a breath as you can, which is nothing more than a sharp intake, nearly a gasp. The cold air slices through you, awakening your senses. Your eyes flutter shut with it. It takes more than you are willing to admit, digging deep inside of yourself to find room for the babes suffering.

Your hands warm against Nyx’s back and your face crumples as you draw his pain away, the feeling cutting through your own emotions like the sharpest blade in Velaris is flaying your skin directly from your bones.

Your hands begin to shake but you continue on until Nyx settles in your arms, going lax in your grip. When you open your eyes the babe is sound asleep.

The silence is deafening now that Nyx has fallen silent. Azriel’s shadows twitch around him anxiously, his wings pulled high and tight, shoulders aching with the rigidness. He wants the babe to be awake, even if he doesn't understand what is about to happen as soon as the moon reaches its peak in the sky.

He can’t stop staring at Rhysand now. He hadn’t seen his brother with a face that peaceful since…since the heir had won his first snowball fight.

Azriel’s throat tightens as the memory flashes before him. He blinks harshly, wildly. He couldn’t think of such happy times when his brother is lying before him with his wife, dead, while their son is cradled in his mate’s arms, parentless.

He distracts himself, letting his shadows carry whispers of his friends standing with him, seeing how they’re all handling this.

Azriel knows this is difficult for you, that even with your abilities you were being smothered by the sorrow, grief, anger, and unrest of the citizens of Velaris at this gathering.

Oh how strong his beautiful mate is. It had been decided that you would be the main caretaker of Nyx, as you had been brought in by his parents to do so even before the babe was born. You had been a friend of Rhys’ for a long time, and the High Lord had thought that your abilities as an empath would be useful to his crown and then his son when he learned of Feyre’s pregnancy.

Which in turn means that Azriel would also be a guardian of the child.

A silken whisper that reminds him all too much of the unmoving brother before him tells him of the silent tears running down Cassian’s face, his lips pressed tightly together as to keep the cries of his own pain tucked within him.

Mor can hardly hold it together, her cousin and her best friend…she had lost both of them, one right after the other. Her blonde hair is the dullest it’s ever been, limp against her head as if it had died right alongside her family.

She has a hand pressed to her mouth, stifling her sobs as she stares at them, taking in every single detail of this moment before they are no more, before her bleary gaze turns to their son, repeating the process over and over again. Azriel wonders if she’s dizzy.

Amren is as stoic as usual, her face hardened and chin lifted, though he does note a softness to her dark eyes, like maybe the tiny creature has feelings after all.

And you…his mate, carrying the true High Lord of the Night Court.

Dealing with Nyx was a feat in itself, the quickly growing boy rapidly gaining powers, he didn’t know how the both of you would handle it.

But as he looks directly at his friends now, all of them each in turn, would bring their expertise to help teach Nyx to become the High Lord he knows that his parent’s wished for him to be.

The moon appears then, the thick clouds seeming to shift out of its path, as if even the weather knew that this was an important night, or maybe it was the Mother or the Gods, parting them so the moonlight could settle across the High Lord and Lady.

Rhys and Feyre’s skin glows under the sparkling planet in the sky. All of Velaris seems to be holding their breath.

It’s Amren who is the first to kneel, sliding silently to the ground, one curled fist pressed against her chest, head tipped back to bask in the moonlight, a silent prayer to the Mother looking down at you all.

You are the second, shifting the true High Lord fully into one arm so you can place your hand over your own heart, rocking your head back, silent tears slipping from the corners of your eyes, unable to contain the influx of emotions from your family and the mass of citizens congregated behind you as you kneel.

Even Nyx, in his sleep, has a fist tucked up against his heart, like he too, knows.

Mor, and then Cassian, and then it’s him who lowers himself to the ground, stretching his neck back to the sky. Azriel can feel the light, the magic settling over the city, like a thin veil of power that reminds him of Rhysand’s in his purest form.

The citizens follow, males and females and children alike take to their knees, paying respect to their fallen High Lord and Lady, but to the Mother as well.

A ripple of power sends shivers up his spine. He doesn’t dare open his eyes, he doesn’t want the last image he has of his brother and sister to be of them as they return to the stardust from which you were all born.

It would simply be too much.

It could take seconds, minutes, but to everyone it feels like hours until the presence of the magic is lifted away.

It’s done.

One by one, following Amren’s lead, you rise. The sky is now cloudless, millions upon millions of heavenly bodies dot the sky like a smattering of silver flecked freckles.

Nyx makes a noise from your arms, having awoken at the strange feeling of the Mother coming to claim his parents, help them return to the ether.

He’s watching something above you and you turn, catching a glimpse of the two beams soaring across the black sky, one violet and one blue, the same blue you had to guess was the one Feyre and Rhys had experienced of the star crashing into them on their first Starfall together.

Nyx giggles, reaching out for the blinks of colored light streaking across the heavens, intertwining with each other as they race along, taunting and teasing.

That was Rhys and Feyre all right.

Together forever.

#AZ #Azriel #azriel x reader #azriel x you #azriel/reader #azriel/you #acotar #acowar #acomaf #acotarxreader #azsazz

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acourtofwhatthefuck · 5 months

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i totally agree with all these takes on acosf, i love nessian but i have to pretend most of that book didn't happen. and besides what people said i also hate sjm for having nyx be born for plot and drama. feyre and rhys are acotar and their son would have been the next step in their story but instead it was literally used for a plot that doesn't even make sense because no matter how much feyre shapeshifts it doesn't make sense that she can get down to genes and also did she forget we witnesses a c section on cassian the book before? nyx ended up not even being about rhys and feyre and i hate it. and him having wings and looking illyrian while being only 1/4th illyrian is weird, it would also mean feyre is basically doing the equivalent of brownface. sjm just wanted the baby to have wings bc the batboys are acotar and didn't stop to think about anything else, which i think happens all the time with all the inconsistencies she has in these books (i still can't take the can of soup seriously). there's also the fact that feyre had just said in the other book that she wanted to wait to have kids and suddenly changed her mind even though they're immortal and have centuries to have kids but of course the woman would change her mind 🙄

So many valid points! Ngl, the Feyre thing really, really bothered me. In one breath she’s saying she wants to live and experience life with her mate first and not have children yet, in the next, she’s pregnant 😅😅idk it was just weird to me!

#ask #acotar #acosf

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soartfullydone · 11 months

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Did you ever read ACOSF? What did you think of the twilight baby plot?

Everything I know about ACOSF I've learned against my will lol. One of my best friends kept a play-by-play of each chapter in a Google Doc, so she could spare me the reading experience but also so we could make fun of it mercilessly.

In all seriousness, I knew I was never going to subject my eyes to it directly because I hate Nessian with a burning passion. I one-hundred percent believe that Nesta deserves better than everything she got, and she should've been meaner actually. Even when I somewhat liked ACOMAF, I felt utterly indifferent to Cassian. Who is this bland rice cake taking up the space where Lucien should be? No good dialogue or anything out of that guy. And then SJM wrote Nessian into MAF with all the subtlety of a clown show, and it was over. Nesta hates him! Keep him away from her! If she doesn't kill him, I will!

Most baby plots are horrendous in fiction, and I hate them deeply also. They often reduce women to being pure idiots (why do I have morning sickness after unprotected sex? a mystery!) or they reinforce this false idea that women can only achieve ultimate happiness by having their One True Love's baby. Ah, the number of women I know who are stuck in unhappy marriages, their sense of self completely lost because being a Wife and Mother comes first! Can those things be fulfilling? Absolutely. But a lot of folks are selling a romanticized idea of both, and SJM is no exception here.

Because look at what the Twilight baby plot does. It takes away all of Nesta's power, asserts her feelings of worthlessness, and encourages her to be a breeder for Cassian, who never even told her he loved her in their romance book. It puts her firmly and forever under Rhysand's and the Night Court's boot. It confirms that Feyre has also lost all her agency, that the High Lady title is meaningless, that her found family and Court do not respect her, that Rhysand will lie to her and trap her if it serves him to do so. That, ultimately, her body does not belong to her and she doesn't have a choice.

What really gets to me, too, is that these two women have to change their bodies to accommodate their love interests, their supposed fated mates. Methinks if it was fated, if they really were perfect for each other, this kind of change wouldn’t have been necessary 🤔. But also if this really were a fantasy story with all-powerful magical beings, there’s no reason why Feyre’s pregnancy should’ve been so risky to begin with. Barring that, there’s no reason why a C-section couldn’t have been an option. It was drama for the sake of drama, pain for the sake of pain. All filler, no substance.

Everything surrounding the baby plot and Nesta's forced captivity prove ACOMAF for the lie it is, a romanticized idea about overwritten trauma and choosing the Perfect Guy because he can read your mind and tell you the things you want to hear. I mean, how else do we go from Feyre earnestly believing she wants time with her new love, that a child can wait, to a Feyre who can't think of a single gift to give Rhys besides the news of her pregnancy? (Cue him cumming to the sight of their unborn child. I will never forget, and neither will you, dear anon, I'm sorry. But I didn't write it!)

And idk, given how much pregnancy in general squicks me out despite being a woman myself, how much medical care for women generally sucks, how many people are going through such pain with miscarriages, unviable pregnancies, and unclear yet strict abortion laws... This ain't it, fam! If SJM wants to talk real-life application with her trauma bullshit, then let's talk real-life application! Because no one, not a single person, has an I Am Become Death magic sister who can pull a dying mother and their dying baby back from the brink where medicine and the law have failed them. No one can have their premie who can't survive on its own suddenly turned into a healthy six-month-old. Who does this plot serve? Neither the reader nor the characters benefited.

I genuinely can't understand how SJM, as a mother herself, could write something so tone deaf, without even being brave enough to explore this kind of fear and pain with any care whatsoever. If she wanted Feyre and Nesta to actually bond over something... Feyre's pregnancy and what that means as a human-turned-fae and a mother could have been it. That could have been something the sisters discussed and helped each other with, where they could have learned more about each other and their deeper fears as young women in a society that does not truly respect them. Both of them share in family trauma, for fuck's sake! Now here Feyre is starting a new family at great risk while Nesta is still guiltily mourning the one she lost! The dots are there!

But no. Instead, not even Feyre is allowed to learn the truth about her pregnancy until Nesta tells her, and then Nesta is painted as a villain for doing so. Feyre isn't allowed to have any real opinion or lingering fears or doubts about her fate whatsoever. Because none of this stuff really matters, especially not the trauma. It's about the fucking, rutting, animal sex. It's about the smirking males, their dripping seed, and their inability to be anything besides horny at any given moment. It's about the washboard abs. Hey, a sexy story would be just fine with me! I just wish SJM would fully embrace that (and also write it better lmao) and get off her "I'm God's gift to feminism" soap box. Maybe take off the girlboss shades, too, because ain't none of her female characters even living up to the shallowness of a girlboss. The narrative undermines and undervalues them too much.

Actually, I have to clap my hands to SJM for this baby plot. I've never seen one that destroys two main female characters in a single stroke before. That's how powerful Rhysand's dick is.

#thanks for your question and sorry for this too long response! hate fuels my typing speed!#anti acosf #anti sjm #anti acomaf #books

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acourtofthought · 7 months

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Honestly I hope Elucien is next so we can finally get the E/riel's off our backs (and hopefully out of the fandom since they're sOoOoOo against it) for good. Idk if I can do another 2+ years of discourse this intense kgjdn its making fandom and the stories straight up not fun anymore and it feels like there's no way to block it out??

I guess either way, whether it's Gwynriel or Elucien, we'd get some sort of relief from the craziness in the fandom.

But personally I do think it's time for Elucien's story. SJM has been building not only their relationship but their personal journey's since ACOMAF (2016) and it's time. It's time to decide Tamlin and Springs fate (probably happening in an Elucien book). It's time to reveal Helion as Lucien's father. It's time to free Vassa and the girls that have been trapped since ACOMAF (but we only learned about in ACOWAR). It's time for us to hear in Elain's own words how she feels about being made, the loss of her father, her mating bond, having stabbed someone, her powers, etc. It's time for Lucien to have a real home of his own. It's time for Elain to leave the Court where her sisters call her a dog and a pleasant companion. Where she's prevented from doing more by others. Where she had to remind her own sisters she's not a child to be fought over and they don't get to tell her what she can or can't do. I do realize I'm biased however I am surprised that anyone wouldn't think Elain is overdue for getting a POV.

Those things have gone on so long with no resolution that it's starting to feel weird. Seriously, how many more books can the characters talk about Elain ignoring Lucien, them leaving their mating bond in a stalemate and kind of just ignoring Elain for IC business in general. How many more books do we need to read about Tamlin being depressed and leaving Spring defenseless? How many more books does Lucien need to suffer an unaccepted bond and how wrong would it be if Az is given a HEA before him after Az had zero respect for Lucien's bond and zero respect for Lucien himself? Something about that would not feel fair 😂. Az will get his HEA but I'm not sure he deserves an immediate reward after not really caring whether he kills Lucien.

If Elucien isn't next, what would SJM even do with Elain's character? She can't have her start taking on a bigger role with the IC, then it wouldn't make sense for her to leave, it would seem like she was where she belonged. So is Sarah going to have her in the background gardening while the IC still never asks her to join in on meetings? Hiding in her room? There's no storyline for Elain until she has her own book. Elain won't heavily feature in a Gwynriel book but if she's still living in the NC, then SJM is going to have to come up with something for her because anytime Az meets with Rhys, Feyre, Nesta, Amren, Cassian, etc......Elain needs to be somewhere.

Gwynriel definitely has things to address, both together and as individuals, but really, they can wait a bit 😂

#elucien book #pro elain archeron #pro elucien #pro lucien vanserra

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stargirlfeyre · 8 months

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“Azriel may be boring as shit but at least he never went after someone who was actively treating Feyre like shit. At least the Archeron he’s going after is actually working to fix her relationship with Feyre. Cassian went for someone who was still treating his friend like dog shit and I just can’t respect that.” ALL OF THIS

i’m always hesitant to say this bc some ppl are super sensitive when it comes to cassian for some funny reason (all the other boys are able to be criticized but not him bc he can be funny?) but part of why i don’t like him as much as azriel is because of how he went for nesta too early on, it was super premature for him to come onto her so blatantly in front of everyone even when she was mortal and he’d literally just met her, knowing how feyre was treated etc…i adore cassian when i don’t look at his character too closely. as much as i prefer feyssian over feyzriel because of her and cassian having more sweet bestie moments than her and az do, whenever there’s a discussion i’ll always choose az first because of cassian and nesta. like anon said i can’t help but put myself in feyre’s shoes when i’m reading but i don’t like that he came onto nesta the way he did and how soon he did, and he had no shame about it in front of feyre and the rest.

i know some people are super chill or they have sisters or family members that cross these lines all the time, like your friend flirting with your sister, but in my family or friend groups we don’t do that especially if a sister is really mean to me, why would i approve of my friend going for her so blatantly in front of me? it’s not so much a harsh or possessive petty thing but just basic morale? cassian imo doesn’t get enough flack for how he came onto nesta so soon. it’s true too that at least az didn’t show any signs of having a crush until acowar and acofas, i prefer someone humbly and respectfully handling a crush on my sister than how in your face cassian was about it with nesta in only book two. idk sometimes it feels like his dick thinks for him and even acosf proved that.

i prefer acowar cassian! but i also skip the pages whenever he’s acting out over nesta or they’re both being angst ridden for one another, i just can’t take it seriously bc he was obv thinking with his dick or mating bond and she was still treating everyone like they were less than her despite her being a pos who has never done anything.

idk 😮‍💨 like i said it’s so easy to love cass as a character when you don’t look at his dynamic with nesta from feyre’s shoes in book two. i imagine mainly feyre stan’s struggle with him due to his attachment to nesta so early on. that bonus chapter anon mentioned where cassian put his body up against nesta’s asking whether she was a virgin or not? he’d only recently met her and was doing that, it being too soon aside, it was very inappropriate to do. even mor made it clear that he acts that way with women when they don’t want him and see’s it as “a challenge” just 10 reasons why az and rhysand will always come off as the most mature to me.

the other reasons i don’t favor him have to do with sjm having him refer to nesta as a queen in acosf, him always showing doubt with the ic’s decisions in acosf as if he’s not apart of the ic (why did he seem so against them in acosf at times? most of the time they were right too so it was just weird for sjm to do) saying nesta didn’t need to apologize to anyone supposedly (really sjm? 💀) having sex with nesta on a hike where she was supposed to own up to her wrongs and mature after she just told feyre she could die (inappropriate timing much..?) acting funny when rhysand felt the need to tell her to be nice to gwyn and emerie when he knows damn well rhysand isn’t at the house of wind like them to know nesta’s behavior had gotten better. how the hell would rhysand know that nesta’s not being mean to him when rhysand’s only ever seen her be rude af to everyone..? and then made it even worse when he petulantly wrapped his arm around nesta to make rhysand feel uncomfortable.

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tadpolesonalgae · 2 months

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omg yes i have seen the gwynlain baking fanart!! altho i can't seem to find it rn :(

and i agree abt your last comment on it being more productive to just have fun shipping characters instead of fighting over it 😭

i think sometimes ppl need to stop taking shipping so seriously and open their eyes to address the Real pressing issue at hand..... which is that these mfs do some pretty gay ass shit in canon

tamlin and rhysand??? u guys were the literal heirs of entire courts and if anything u should be each other's enemies yet u become childhood besties by bonding over ur terrible fathers??????? fruity behaviour 🤨 (but actually tho their backstory is soooooo weirdly romance coded like if they were straight ppl would be eating that shit Up)

nesta and amren??? 2 girls that are known for hating everyone else just immediately become friends but then have a seemingly random falling out so terrible that they can't even look at each other anymore????????? sounds like the 194738542762 stories abt girl "friendship" breakups 🤨

don't even get me started on mor and feyre.... wdym feyre describes mor as the most beautiful woman she's ever seen.. wdym mor saves feyre from figuratively and literally self destructing and repeats "you're free" to her.... wdym mor went absolutely feral at amren when she compared feyre to tamlin..... wdym they have the most intense fight ever bc feyre endangered herself for the ten billionth time and scared the shit out of mor........ wdym feyre is the first person mor comes out to and it's during a fucking war..... wdymmmmmm

also whatever tf is going on with helion's long standing agenda to get azriel (+cassian) under his bedsheets lmfao

Oh my gosh it’s so pretty though isn’t it? Makes me want to run away and live in a cottage by a forest and grow a nice little garden (I know nothing about gardening) !!

Okay so I’m sometimes torn between wanting there to be queer relationships because it’s just nice (in my opinion) getting to see some more of them (as long as they’re paid the necessary attention and someone hasn’t just wadded two characters together in the name of representation :/) in general media, and also feeling quite strongly about showing friendships? Both showing how women can find solace in one another but also that men can have close relationships without being any less male/masculine? I feel like there is still a prominent social standard (I guess that would be the word—not sure thought?) that men can’t or shouldn’t be physically or emotionally affectionate with one another which I do think plays a part into mental health too :/

Anyway, that’s a little too complex for me this early in the morning 🫠

‘tamlin and rhysand??? u guys were the literal heirs of entire courts and if anything u should be each other's enemies yet u become childhood besties by bonding over ur terrible fathers??????? fruity behaviour’

Putting that previous seriousness aside, I love @copypastus drawings of those two, particularly this one and this one—the vibes are just so happy and lighthearted and it’s so lovely to just be able to have fun with characters ☹️🧡💛 (not to mention the art is so amazing—the colours?? hello??)

‘nesta and amren???’

Oh my goodness I have to admit I don’t really like Amren :/ I get she’s been through a lot and is probably traumatised or at least a little messed up from spending so long in absolute solitude, but at the same time for me it feels like the IC accepts Amren’s ice but didn’t like Nesta’s because she hadn’t ‘earned’ her attitude? Idk, maybe it’s because I really like Nesta and I get Amren kept her secrets even when they were having the argument, but at the same time, I feel like Amren was unnecessarily cruel toward Nesta when she should have been able to see what was going on?

‘don’t even get me started on mor and feyre….’

Oh my goodness I’m a Mor and Emerie person!! But I do like the bond Mor and Feyre have :)

‘also whatever tf is going on with helion's long standing agenda to get azriel (+cassian) under his bedsheets Imfao’

Helion is inherently fruity 🤭 can anyone blame him for wanting to get them into bed for one night?

Also I quite like how Cass and Az are fairly relaxed about that? I know it’s weird but you know those people who meet queer people and say something like “I accept you and everything, just don’t try to sleep with me”—rubs me the wrong way so I’m happy there was none of that 😰

#anons <3

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minimoefoe · 3 months

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thoughts while/after reading a court of thorns and roses for the first time

what I knew going in

enemies to lovers maybe?

she gets with tamlin I think

girl kills a wolf and gets taken away

faerie porn

some of these things I noted down in the form of a twt thread as I was reading and some of it is just off the top of my head the morning after finishing the book. for the next book i think imma make more notes in my phone of my thoughts as I read but we’ll see, I usually forget or cba bc I’m too interested in what’s happening lmao

I was worried about it being in first person bc that isn’t my usual vibe but i kinda didn’t end up giving a fuck which is great for me

for a minute every time feyre’s name was mentioned I took a second to pronounce it properly in my head which is kinda embarrassing

I was kinda bracing myself to have to read a ton of smut but there wasn’t much in it which I’m happy about. I fear there will be more in later books tho and like, that is not my fave like smut is just so cringe to me most of the time but it was defo better written than like 85% of the fanfic smut I’ve read in my life tho so at least there’s that. and I can deal with some smut for a good story

when feyre got taken and was seemingly living in a massive house with two hot guys i was like oh i feel like I know where this is going (and braced for the book to become smut central) but that didn’t happen lmao

by chapter 6 I was like lucien > tamlin and i felt that way for the entire book. lucien is like kinda sarcastic and twatty which I loved and it made sense bc he obviously didn’t like feyre and just had to put up with her but even later in the book when all the info is out there he’s still just cooler somehow idk. tamlin is nice enough but he’s kinda boring to me

at one point tamlin said to feyre ‘do you have some sort of problem with me’ and i was like bro 😭 what a wild question to ask a girl you’ve just stolen from her home and forced to live with you are you dumb

tamlin (i think) also said ‘you can’t write yet you learned how to hunt- how?’ and i was like um what is the correlation you don’t need to write to learn how to hunt is this man stupid

I kept forgetting they were wearing masks so the first couple times it was randomly mentioned it was a bit of a jumpscare and made me laugh

the word ‘mate/mating’ was also a jumpscare the first couple of times

I sooo knew that thing was gonna be some weird sex festival and also the idea of two ppl shagging literally causing magic to ‘ripple outward’ to the point that ppl probably a decent distance away can feel it happen and know what caused it is so funny 😭 like how am I supposed to take that seriously

somewhere in there i was becoming desperate to look through the acotar tag or just do Something to quench my need to consume more to do with this series so i started looking up acotar reading threads on twitter in the hopes I wouldn’t get spoiled bc i just wouldn’t read the threads past where I was in the book but I ended up coming across two separate posts (that I don’t even really remember the details of) that seemed to like rhysand and where I was in the book he’d literally just shown up to the house and they called him a whore and stuff so I was like hm interesting that ppl like him bc he seems like a twat. made me intrigued for sure but also was sad to be mildly spoiled bc it just made me start anticipating some rhys redemption or just some kind of focus that I tbh hadn’t even considered at that point

but anyways rhysand > lucien > tamlin

I liked nestas little redemption. I’m glad we didn’t spend too long back with the family tho

the second there was a mention of a curse I was like uh oh I feel like her not saying I love you back to tamlin has caused some kind of problem. me when I’m a genius / me when this book is predictable. either way I liked it, it’s giving beauty and the beast

my initial guesses for the riddle after reading it twice were - love, a heart or god

the tasks were giving goblet of fire for a minute there

rhysand mentioned he could turn into a bird and five seconds later I realised the second book has a bird on the cover so I’m hoping I’ve connect some dots there bc I’m very interested to know more about him fr

why do I have like a mild want/hope that feyre is gonna leave tamlin for rhysand like… that’s kinda the dream. it might be to do with when I searched and saw mild spoilers bc there was art of a guy and a girl that I looked at for half a second and thinking about it now I’m like was that rhysand and feyre in the first book? was it them later down the line? was it rhysand and someone else? idfk. rhys defo has like mild unsettling vibes so idk if that’s a thing that could happen but maybe now that everyone is free he’ll start being less gross

I was worried the whole book was gonna be them at the mansion so feyre going home for a bit and then the back end of the book being set somewhere completely different was pretty cool, I think I liked the last section of the book more than the first, likely bc of rhys, the lucien pop ins and the fact tamlin had to keep his distance 😭 that sounds mean I swear i do like him and them as a duo I just find the others more interesting

every mention of things like claws coming out of knuckles or whatever is baffling to me, I cannot picture it in my mind at all it

feyre becoming one of them is pretty cool

rhysand is SO interesting like omg tell me your secrets. when he first started helping feyre I was like hm maybe he’s like not happy to be amarantha’s whore and he’s gonna be in their side and that’s kinda what happened but also he’s not like fully a nice guy idk UGH please let book two be focused on him a lot I need it so bad

I honestly just had a fun time reading this and spare for all these names and lore that I still defo do not have a full grasp on it was just an easy read idk, I enjoyed it. at points I was like oh this feels very fanfic-y which for me could be a good thing or could be a bad thing but this kind toed the line and I was like idk I mean it in a good way or a bad way. in the end imma say a good way bc I did give it 4.5 stars so 😭

uodate: been a few hours and I've watched cari can read's vid going through this book bc idk I felt like it and also wanted to make sure I understood everything and I have a couple more notes

I forgot about that ending rhysand moment like.. what's going on there

I didn't really even bat an eye at how rhysand was drugging feyre every night basically like obviously I'm not dumb, it was fucked up, but it apparently being a big subject among fans didn't even cross my mind as being a thing. like, the yeah the way feyre rationalises it as 'well at least time is moving quickly and I'm not remembering what I'm doing' and rhysand I guess also is like 'hopefully tamlin will be greatful that 1. I haven't touched her really and 2. I'm helping her forget and get through it is' messed up but like, that's *their* povs, I don't think the book is tryna say that's actually a good situation or a correct/healthy way to look at things. idk why it's drama worthy. maybe it's worded questionably in the book idr. I'll pay attention if/when I reread I guess

speaking of bat(ting eyes)... rhysand isn't a bird he's a bat? 😭 so the cover of the next book defo isn't him rip my dreams. I assume he'll be around tho like, he'll have to be

I could've sworn that rhys said the paint wouldn't get messed up from him touching her which would make a couple of moments not make any sense but maybe I'm just dumb and misremembered

I actually LOVE how a lot of this book is just pure vibes like feyre's time at the mansion or whatever where most of the time nothing too crazy was happening spare for the odd moment is my kinda vibe. and then even in the back half of the book when all this shit is going on there still a lot of sitting around in her cell and her chatting (mainly with rhys) idk, I like it a lot

#acotar #a court of thorns and roses #reading thoughts #- new tag for these kinds of posts who cheered #I think my plan now that I’m in my reading era fr #is that when I first read a book I’m gonna note down thoughts and make a post like this #and then if it ends up being a book/series that I love and I decide I want to read it again and annotate it #I will use my posts as a guide when I’m reading through to note down things I noticed on my first read #as well as obviously annotating whatever new stuff I notice/decide I wanna keep track off #bc I realised going into this book that I just didn’t really know how to annotate it when I didn’t know what I was expecting #and I didn’t wanna waste time and tabs on a book I wasn’t sure if I was gonna want to go back and read again #idk #if that makes sense or if anyone cares but anyways #that’s my plan #first read - make notes #second etc read - tabs and annotating and adding in my thoughts from my first read #idk when my second read will even be but we’ll see I guess #I haven’t actually done any annotating for any book yet #I have some series that I love and want to reread so they’ll probably be the first books I try and annotate fr #but for now I’ve got this series to finish #and idk what imma read next #I wanna annotate the raven cycle tho fr #and maybe Harry potte #and also morganville vampires but I just finished that reread so that’s gonna wait a bit #this series has annotation reread potential For Sure depending on how these next books go

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bookofmirth · 2 years

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I would love your thoughts on Bryce 👀 seems like you have a lot

Yes I do 😭

Someone asked me this a couple of weeks ago and I have avoided the question because none of my thoughts about her are good. I was trying to get some distance and today is the day! No offense to anyone who likes her character, I completely respect that.

But to be frank, I don't like Bryce. Pretty much at all.

Bryce feels like she's trying really hard to be Aelin but lacks the courage of her convictions. Hell, Bryce lacks the convictions, too.

It really bums me out that I don't like Bryce because I have always loved sjm's main characters. Aelin? LOML. Feyre? I wish I could be that brave. Nesta? Would love to express myself. Lysandra? I too would like to cut a man someday.

But Bryce???? Ugh, Bryce.

I know what we are supposed to think about her. I know that Bryce is supposed to pretend to be a party girl so that people don't look at her too hard. But why can't they look? It's not like she's doing anything worthwhile that needs to be concealed. I appreciate that Bryce having a good time with her friends is valuable in its own right. I love that she has friends, and I love that she embraces her femininity. I love that we are supposed to take her seriously too, despite the things about her that are supposedly shallow.

But.... I don't take her seriously. She is shallow. I can't take her seriously when she is half human, and still doesn't understand why people would rebel. Not when her mother is treated like shit, and she still doesn't understand why people would rebel. Not when she watches what Hunt experiences being enslaved, when she is objectified and degraded for being human, when Sophie and Emile are hunted, and she is still like "*shrug* idk what those rebels are on about, they should really think about being Nice rebels."

REALLY????

I realize that this isn't just a Bryce problem, this is partly a narrative problem because humans are framed as being radical extremists who, while being constantly shit on, should definitely consider how to be nicer when they rebel. But Bryce should know better and she just... doesn't.

When she saved Emile, it felt so hollow. The sentiment behind it was admirable, the fact that he had value despite not having magic powers. I got verklempt. The fact that he had value because of the way that other people loved him was so poignant. But that whole thing felt like, again, Aelin Lite™️ because she was secretly doing things (which had no precedent but okay, we're just supposed to accept that Bryce is stealthy or whatever) and also shallow because she didn't think about the fact that Cormac also cared about Emile and was desperate to find him. She just... hid that from him, despite the fact that Emile has value in being loved for himself, Cormac loves Emile, and Bryce just doesn't make that connection???

I couldn't even remember, six weeks after reading hosab, what was driving Bryce in hosab. She doesn't seem to be doing anything out of any obligation or sense of morality or a personal goal or literally anything. She just keeps happening across stuff that Danika hid from her. I have zero idea what is driving Bryce, besides loving Hunt.

She just has no sense of the bigger picture, and I think that's what bothers me the most. She seems very very limited in her worldview, even when reasons for her to care are shoved all up in her face.

also I freaking hate her taste in clothes.

#bryce #crescent city #sjm critical #ask #anon #i guess this is partly bryce #partly sjm for making her...#that way

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helloyesimrhys · 3 years

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ACoTaR crack headcanons

CASSIAN Definitely bisexual Paints his nails black ‘for the aesthetic’ but actually he just thinks the cold nail polish feels nice before it dries We’ve already established this but girl dad Writes Nessian fanfiction (not even smut he just writes fluff) He canonically wears leather jackets so I can’t really put it in but fuck that Either drinks black coffee or a mocha latte with three pumps of vanilla, no in between NESTA Also bisexual Wears lingerie to bed just to tease Cassian Beats the shit out of everyone except for Az in cards Gwyn is her ‘if I had to pick a chick’ only Nesta literally would pick her So good at dancing but most of the time when asked to dance she just bobs from side to side. If you’re lucky she might throw in a lil shuffle Takes wrapping presents so goddamn seriously it’s not even funny Would definitely sniff presents to find out what’s inside Again, she canonically reads textbooks for fun so I can’t really put it in but fuck that ELAIN Should have been a lesbian If you ask her what her favourite colour is she’ll panic Actually enjoys doodling, but like tiny little drawings Draws on her hand when bored Has a very elaborate skin care routine Hates coriander Puts highlighter on the tip of her nose AZRIEL Wears graphic t-shirts Mom friend Makes self-deprecating jokes *points to rubbish bin* Haha me Actually despises water, lives on coffee instead Makes surprisingly good pasta Allergic to shellfish Really likes the colour green (but like sage green) GWYN Chaotic good Really good at art but doesn’t like to show anyone Obsessed with opossums and raccoons but she doesn’t know why “Hey is it hot in here? Oh sorry that’s just me” Uncomfortable with the idea of being in a relationship, sorry in advance to any Gwynriels out there :/ Says live laugh love ironically but does it so often that it’s become unironic Definitely not straight idc what anyone thinks EMERIE Absolutely drop dead gorgeous A queen Such a good cook Has an amazing memory most of the time but will forget to drink water for two days straight Wears glittery gold nail polish Completely oblivious to her own crush on Mor When she finally realises that she’s in love she asks Nesta to ask Cassian to ask Mor if she has a crush on Emerie When Mor says yes Emerie freaks out and spends the next three consecutive nights at the House with Nesta and Gwyn just planning the perfect time to ask Mor out FEYRE Occasionally goes through a crisis and dyes her hair some random colour Absolutely amazing at buying presents, even for people she barely knows Literally buffer than Rhysand Spoils Nyx rotten Lawful neutral Can do eyeliner in one stroke MOR Has a British accent and if you think otherwise idk what to tell you Loves Halloween but never knows what to go as Well aware that Emerie has a crush on her Shaves her armpits but nowhere else Has really short fingers ;-; Somehow smells fine after a workout no matter how much she was sweating Unironically says ‘ello luv *bites lip* sheeeeesh

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separatist-apologist · 3 years

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Request: Elain defends Eris to the IC because they are besties and she has had enough

Hi! I hope you are doing well and taking care of yourself!

Idk if this is the right way to ask/request this, I haven't used Tumblr in years and just came back this month after reading every ACOTAR book for the first time and not being able to wait for the next one x) Writing all of this in a "ask me anything" would take forever and spam your inbox.

I just finished "Call It What You Want To" and I couldn't have loved it more!! Your version of Elucien is canon to me now until their books comes out and probably after that too (depending on how their book goes).

However, while I ignored every responsibility in my life to read your fic as fast as humanly possible (it was all so captivating, I couldn't get enough), this oneshot/headcannon came to me and I just can't get it out of my head. Since I've never written fanfiction before and would not want to ruin this on my first try, I was hoping you would take this idea I had and actually make it into a nice thing that others in the fandom might enjoy too!

It's about Elain and Eris being friends and her defending him to the IC. I basically wrote the dialog, aka Elain's monologue, but you can take it from there. I trust you'll make the whole thing better. Sorry in advance for any errors or misspelled worlds but English is not my first language and autocorrect likes to play games with me that I sometimes don't catch. 😅

I may have forgotten canon things about the whole Eris/Mor situation but this is what I think would be Eris's "reason". I guess it is as possible as any other until SJM decides to tell us x)

Basically: there's a family dinner or some ocassion that requires the whole inner circle to be together, with Elain and Lucion too. I don't know if this would be better with or without Eris present, so we can see him being completely shocked/embarassed/emotional (?). I totally believe that Eris and Elain would have a sibling-like relationship like the one you described in your work and ofc the IC would not understand it. This is Elain being fed up of their hatred. I also believe that when Elain eventually finds her voice in their world, she will be fervently protective of her friends. She's an Archeron after all.

The scene I have in my mind is everyone together, and as always the IC starts to complain about Eris and how awful he is. After a while of the constant slander (and if Eris is present, Elain noticing him hurting behind his indiference mask because they are besties and she knows him too well), Elain has enough of it and raises her voice saying "enough!". Everyone shuts up and look at her like "Wtf?" and Elain starts a whole rant about Eris and shushes everyone who tries to interrupt her or give her reasons why Eris is trash.

It goes something like this: "Seriously, this hatred you all have agains Eris is starting to get old. 500-years-old, to be exact. I know what he did and I know the right thing to do, the thing you all demand he had done, was to accept Mor no matter what after her family left her to die. On good days you are all intelegent people. Have you never wondered as to "why" he left her there, unclaimed, to be found by you, her friends, her chosen family?"

Someone, maybe Cassian, says something like "because he's a jelous little prick that could not stand to have something he considered his being taken. He's much like Tamlin in that regard". (Idk if the Tamlin thing is too much but I feel like the IC feels similily about both for their treatment of Mor and Feyre)

Elain, with cold calmness (channeling her inner Nesta and the RARE "you are all a bunch of idiots" attitude that shocks everyone even more) goes:

"You all suspect, better yet, you all KNOW how Beron treates his wife, Lady of his court and mother to his children. The only female, the most-likely-female, he might show mercy to had he had any semblance of a heart. You also have since learned that he has no problem torturing his own sons for leasure or some twisted goal of his. How do you think he would have treated Mor, after she openly defied and embarrassed him to the eyes of the world, had she been married into his family? Do you think he would have been kind and treated her fairly? Spared her of his temper? Forgiven her and forgotten about the whole "virginity tainted/lost by/to an Illyrian brute" thing, no offence Cassian?"

The IC is just stunned in silence with both the outburst of sweet Elain and the realization that no, none of them had ever considered that possibility or any other that did not envolved Eris being as souless as his father.

Elain goes on: "Married to his first born, and most likely heir, no less?? To what lengths do you think Beron would go to to insure that she never stepped out of line again and sired Eris' offspring, either both her and Eris wanted it or not, just to secure his bloodline's future??"

Everyone is accessing this new possibility. If Eris is present he just looks completely shocked and probabily forgot how to breath for a second.

Elain is not done:

"How many decades after they're married do you think it would be before you were able to see Mor again, even for a second? After the torture she had JUST been through, given so cruelly by her own family, how long do you think it would take Beron to completely break her spirit? You are a very strong female Mor, and I admire how you chose to live in the light when you had more than enough reason to find comfort in the dark, but everyone has it's breaking point and I'm sure that after years of immortality, abuse and isolation in a situation where divorce would never be an option, Beron would have found yours."

More silence. Maybe Mor starts silently crying and Feyre too, thinking about what that would have been like for Mor. Elain goes on:

"With your obsession to hate Eris at every chance you get, even after he has gone behind his father's back so many times in hopes of helping the great good, all the while knowing that if Beron even dreamed him a threat he would be killed, painfully and slowly, you all seem to conveniently forget that although cunning in his own way and first in line to Beron's title, even if he had accepted Mor at the time and claimed her as his in any way, Eris was still just a High Lord's son. Pratically powerless about anything Beron chose to do to Mor. I'm not saying that this is what went through his head at the time, but if you all stepped down from your high horses for 5 seconds, you would see the possibility that leaving Mor to die where her family left her, even if you had not found her in time and she had died from her injuries that day, may have been Eris version of mercy. His own twisted, and perhaps only, way of sparing Mor of a life of torture and abuse where he would be powerless to defend her against his father without being punished too."

Again, complete silence as what she says hungs in the air. Someone tries to say something but Elain interrupts them and lifts her chin a bit:

"This being said, as hard as it is for you all to believe it, Eris is my friend and I will no longer stand the poison against him you try to feed down my throat at everything opportunity you get. For the next time I hear any of you say a mean remark ou snide comment about Eris in my presence, I'll remind you I know enough herds and poisons to make your trip to death's door look like an accident. That includes you, High Lord and Lady. Enjoy the rest of your night."

Elain leaves, walking away as if they had just talked about the weather. Idk what the others would say, but I feel there would be silence and no one would know what to do. If Eris is present, still too shocked to say anything, a single tear slides down his face, he gets up and leaves the room too.

I hope you think this has potential and consider making it into something as "real" as your fics/headcanons.

Have a wonderful day, Inês 😊

Hey bestie! You already wrote it! You did great! You should definitely claim this as your own because I could not have added anything except perhaps scenery (which is my weakness!). This is great! I just wanted to hype you up!

Prompts this specific are really hard to write so I hope you're not upset I didn't add to it. I think this was lovely and I had a great time reading it. I liked that you still held Eris accountable for his actions because I do think there is room for two things to be true, and that Mor doesn't have to be a liar for Eris to not be the villain. Sort of how Lucien realizes to Feyre, he was the villain in her story when he hadn't meant to be.

#Anon ask #this was good!#give yourself Way MORE CREDIT #and claim this as your own so I can bookmark it on ao3

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julemmaes · 3 years

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Pinky Promise - Chapter Five

A/N: I want to dedicate this chapter to @queenestarcheron whose comments literally give me life and the main reason I’m writing this story basically. I’m sorry for this chapter and I really feel like this is just the start where everything goes bad and then bad and then bad and uuugh I’m sorry

I wrote this whole chapter listening to Let’s Hurt Tonight by OneRepublic and idk, if you like to hurt like I do I’ll advice you read it with the song on repeat;)

Fic masterlist

Word count: 5,659

Nesta had only been awake for ten minutes and already felt all the fatigue that Monday would bestow upon her. She was staring at the ceiling counting the seconds until she had to get up and get ready to go to work and when the phone started vibrating for the third time that morning, Nesta huffed and went to the bathroom.

The headache was completely gone and it seemed as if she hadn't gone through all the pain that had caused her to be unable to walk last night. She just hoped that it wouldn't come back to haunt her, because the idea of being as vulnerable in front of everyone again as she had shown herself the night before at such a delicate moment in her life gave her goosebumps.

Elain had left her some kind of medicine on the kitchen table with a yellow post-it on top of it said 'I hope you're feeling better. I bought them for you, so put them in your purse before you go out.' with two little hearts drawn around an elegant E.

She was trying not to make too much noise to wake her sisters when she heard a grunt coming from the living room. She froze with the kettle in her hand and arched her eyebrows, walking slowly towards the sofa.

There, lying without restraint on the cushions, was Cassian. He was wearing one of his pyjamas that he kept in the apartment and held one of the pillows that she always used to his chest. He kept his neck bent in a uncomfortable position and she knew that she should have moved his head to avoid him a despicable stiff neck, but even the risk that he might wake up and hover over her, following her all over the kitchen as if she could collapse at any moment prevented her from feeling pity for the man.

She remained to look at him for a moment too long, hand on her hip and the desire to put her lips on his rosy and fleshy ones.

If she lingered too much, she would not be able to leave the house.

Closing the kitchen door behind her, she had breakfast quietly, preparing some cold rice and leaving three equally full containers for the others. Elain would work all day, Feyre would have classes overlapping and she would not be able to find a minute to eat, forgetting all about it, and Cassian would be on shift at the bar and would end up eating the first thing that came his way and he already ate enough leftovers from his customers to pass up a fried meal for once.

She passed in front of the living room and opened the door with her bag on her shoulder. She looked at the sofa and could only see Cassian's toes and puffed, irritated with herself. She quickly laid the stuff on the floor and approached him, taking his head in her hands and arranging it in such a way that he wouldn't be paralyzed by the pain as soon as he woke up.

Cassian moved grimacing and put his head back in the previous position. Nesta frowned, "Why don't you ever do what I fucking tell you? Not even in your sleep," she whispered slowly.

***

"Nesta?" Clare seemed shocked to see her come in through the back door, "What on earth are you doing here?"

Nesta looked around, genuinely confused by what was happening, "It's Monday, isn't it?" then slumped, groaning, "Oh god, did I get the days wrong again?"

Clare shook her head, "No, no, it's Monday and you're on time," she said as she approached her. Nesta sighed. "Only, Cassian sent me a message late last night saying that you were really very sick and that you wouldn't be able to make it," she explained, smiling at her.

She probably thought it was sweet and nice that her centenarian boyfriend took such good care of her that he felt compelled to call her work and take the day off.

Sometimes she was amazed at how much Cassian didn't seem to know her at all.

Then she closed her eyes, thinking how wrong what she had just said was.

No one knew her better than he did, and if he had called his boss to take the day off it meant that she had been really sick the night before.

She shook her head, taking one hand to her forehead, "I appreciate the concern, but I'm fine."

From behind one of the shelves, Emerie appeared with a mountain of books in her arms. As soon as she saw her, she wrinkled her forehead, "You look like shit," she said to her as a greeting, still continuing to place the new arrivals on the shelves, "Shouldn't you be at home resting?"

"Did he text everyone?" Nesta asked, opening her arms wide.

Clare shook her head no, "No, but he sent me a very long message and sounded very worried," she shrugged, "I thought it was something serious. I would have sent you a message mid-morning, I didn't want to risk waking you."

Emerie agreed with her, going back to the other room to get more books.

"It's all a mess and he shouldn't have sent you any messages," sighed Nesta, walking towards the staff room and raising her voice a little, "It's been a very long week and I have to tell you many things, if we don't have too many customers I can do it even before lunch."

Emerie appeared almost running into the little room where they took their lunch breaks and where they rested when people were not too numerous. Her eyes were wide open and there was an amused glint there, "I can't believe it," she snorted, "The longest lasting couple in history fought."

Nesta glanced at her, but said nothing. Emerie smirked.

"Wait Nes!" they heard Clare screaming, who arrived with a box that must have weighed more than her. Emerie raised an eyebrow and Clare looked at her frowning, "I couldn't hear what she was saying...".

Nesta snickered, "Don't worry, you were just missing Em fucking with me."

Clare walked up to the middle of the room, placed the box on the table and started to open it, "So?" she spurred her to speak.

"It's a really long story and knowing you, you wouldn't survive if we were interrupted halfway through the story." Nesta seemed hesitant and the two girls exchanged a quick and confused look.

Emerie stepped forward, "How serious is this?"

Nesta looked her in the eye for a few seconds, "A I-don't-know-if-we're-still-together kind of serious." she nodded, reducing her lips to a thin line.

"Holy shit." whispered Clare.

Emerie opened her eyes wider and suddenly became serious, "Did he cheat on you?" she didn't even give her time to answer, "Because if he cheated on you I'll take a day off and go kill him."

Nesta chuckled, despite everything, "He didn't-" then stopped, thinking that what he had done had been a betrayal anyway. She shook her head.

"That's a start and I can cross the killing off my list," said the friend, offering her a half smile.

Clare seemed as shocked as Amren when she had told her that Cassian wanted to enlist. Nesta felt sick at the idea of having to ruin her day with such sad information and regretted a bit that she had introduced the topic.

Emerie clapped her hands, waking everyone up from that trance they were stuck in, "As much as I love teasers and all that crap there, if you're not going to tell us now we'd better get back to work, because in-" she looked at the clock on the wall, whimpering, "sixteen minutes we have to open and we won't have even a spare second to sort out the last releases."

"Shit," said Nesta all of a sudden, "it's the 12th, isn't it?"

Emerie nodded, completely knocked down by the information.

"I'd say it's time to get to work," murmured Clare.

Without saying a word, they all walked towards the "fantasy young adult" section. They marched as if it was their last hour and were about to be hanged in the square. And it actually was a little bit so, because the last book of the most acclaimed saga would be released and none of the three were ready psychologically to welcome the hordes of people who would enter the store that day.

Clare had thrown worried looks her way all morning and Emerie hadn't offended her more than twice, which was weird, because she never missed an opportunity to toss them insults or make puns.

This was bothering Nesta.

Her mood had even worsened when around noon, Cassian had called and then sent her a message when she had not answered:

"Are you completely insane? Where are you?"

Those words had made her arms itch with anger.

"If you're at work, stay there, I'll pick you up and take you home."

And then again:

"What made you think going out when you were practically dying in pain last night was a good idea? You need to rest and let your body recover."

To that, Nesta had apologized to the client she was serving and sent a quick response:

"Don't you dare come and get me or I swear to god Cassian this is the time I'm going to get seriously mad. I don't want to fight about this too. I woke up, I was fine, I went out. Period."

When he hadn't replied, Nesta had sent another message:

"I need a distraction and I need the money. Don't come."

Cassian sent her a simple, "Alright, sorry. See you." and she went back to work.

She hadn't failed to notice, however, that he hadn't written his usual love you at the end of the message.

Now, Emerie was looking at her with fiery eyes and Clare had stopped eating, one hand in front of her wide open mouth.

"Are you joking?" Emerie seethed with rage.

Nesta shook her head, sighing, "The worst thing is that I can't reason with him."

Clare placed the cutlery in the plastic container, "And his brothers? Az?"

Her colleagues had met the magnificent trio when she had started working at Clare's mother's bookshop soon after her father's death. They needed money and both she and Elain had found a job almost immediately, Elain in a small diner on the same street as their apartment and Nesta in that magical place. Cassian and Azriel used to pass by practically every day she worked to bring her food - considering how many times she forgot to take care of herself because of the mess that was her life - and it didn't take Clare and Emerie more than half a second to realize that there might be something between her and the younger of the two boys. They had had the opportunity to get to know the others in the group during the various birthdays and parties, but they had never had a very close relationship with Rhysand. Probably because she herself had never gotten beyond seeing him as her boyfriend's brother.

Looking at her two best friends at that moment, she realized that whatever she decided to do with Cassian, they would support her, because they were there when it had all started and they would be there when it would end. Whether it was in two days or seventy years.

"Azriel knew it and didn't tell me anything for a month." Nesta confessed, picking at her nails.

Emerie snorted, "That fucker."

"I said the same thing," smiled Nesta, "but he was actually only respecting what Cass demanded and it's not his fault my boyfriend is dumb."

"This may be a low blow, but have you tried calling his mother?" asked Clare, looking more and more upset.

Nesta tilted her head to the side, "I don't know if she knows..." she rubbed her hands on her arms, trying to whip off some of the frost in the room, "And I don't want to be the cause of the heart attack she's going to have in case she doesn't know and I barge into her living room saying 'Hey, help me convince your son not to enlist'."

"Then you really should go and tell her everything," said Emerie, leaning forward on the table, "If she really doesn't know, she might be so shocked that she reacts so strongly and convinces Cassian to give up."

Clare looked at her with her mouth open, "What are you talking about, you pshyco." she muttered.

Nesta nodded, "Yeah, the fuck. I'm not trying to kill Vera."

Emerie seemed offended, "I'm just saying that if she has an excessive reaction-"

"Which would not be excessive for such a thing." mumbled Clare.

"-you might not have to do anything and leave it to the woman to beat him."

Emerie seemed offended, "I'm just saying that if she has an excessive reaction-"

"Which would not be excessive for such a thing." mumbled Clare.

"-you might not have to do anything and leave it to the woman to thrash him."

Nesta stood up, shaking her head and throwing the lunch papers, "No, I'm not going to betray him like that."

Clare was still looking at Emerie as if she had four heads, "Who hurt you?" she whispered, "Like, that's the sickest thing I've ever heard in my life."

Emerie's features softened as always when she addressed their boss, "Right? That's sick!" she exclaimed smiling.

"I didn't mean it like that," said Clare, "I meant that that's literally the best way to completely ruin things with your partner." then she turned to Nesta, "Please don't go to Vera."

Nesta raised a hand, "That was absolutely not my intention." she said, "And what's more, this is still fresh between me and him and we haven't really talked about anything yet," she said.

Emerie interrupted her, "Well, actually you've been fooled with the whole enlistment process explaining. That's the last thing you should have done."

Nesta frowned, "What do you mean?"

"He's probably thinking you've already accepted it. If you only asked about the first part, that means you can discuss the rest later, once he's finished training."

Clare grimaced, "It shouldn't be like this though. And I don't think Cassian thinks Nesta accepted."

Emerie reached out to the girl, touching her arm with a knowing smirk on her lips, "I've read enough romance novels to know the situation is worse than it seems.

Nesta would normally be annoyed that the people in the room were talking about her and their lives as if she wasn't there, but she seriously needed an outside view of all that mess.

"This isn't one of your books, we're talking about Nesta's life," Clare pointed out to her, looking slightly annoyed.

"Fiction mimics reality." she shrugged, then turned to Nesta, "I'm just saying that before talking about what he's going to have to do specifically to get in, you had to discuss what it will all involve." Emerie stared her in the eye, more serious than ever, "The problem Nesta, it's not the present, it's not the fact that he will have to run and eat well for the next two months and that he will have to stay out for two days to do tests on tests. I'm sure you don't give a damn about all the acronyms of names either," said the friend getting up, "The problem will be that you will have to stay months, years, away, when you have been inseparable in the last ten. I don't remember a time when you have been apart for more than three days".

Clare nodded and Nesta' head was starting to hurt.

"You got sick because you spent two days without him while you were thinking about whether or not to leave him. You got sick from the stress." the girl pointed out to her, "And tell me, who took you home? Who took care of you?" she asked, "I'm not trying to hurt you or fight with you, but with everything that's going on right now, you need to sit down and write a list of things you're going to have to start doing on your own. Before he leaves."

Clare squinted, "Em, maybe we should stop-"

"Not because you are not capable or because you are not independent, Nes. We all know very well how strong you are, but there are things, there are daily habits that will have to change completely."

Nesta knew that.

But there were so many things to discuss. So many aspects to see together with Cassian.

She felt a lump in her throat. Emerie had always been cheeky with her and she knew that she was doing it for her own good, that she would tell her everything that any other person was too shy to admit. Or that they took for granted.

But for Nesta at that moment, nothing was taken for granted and she couldn't think of anything.

"And even though he keeps saying it's not a suicide mission, he doesn't know. He can't afford to say things like 'I won't die', 'I'll come back safely, 'nothing will change'. Because it's just bullshit and you can't let him think that," concluded Emerie.

She just wanted to cry. And scream.

"It's difficult." Nesta sighed trembling.

Clare stood up at that point, going over to her and putting her hand on her arm and giving Emerie a stern look. She took a deep breath, "I know, I realize it's not easy, and that's why you have to talk. That's why you can't leave discussions halfway open and not pick them up the next time. If you do that, you convince him that that topic is closed and that you accept it as such."

Nesta bit the inside of her cheek and, ironically, the conversation ended there.

They remained silent for the rest of the lunch break and then Nesta said goodbye to them, having to go to class.

She had not even left the bookstore, that she had already dialed Cassian's number on the phone. It only took two rings before he picked up.

"Hey, sweetheart," he trilled, "everything okay?"

Nesta gritted her teeth, feeling the tears swell in her eyes. She heard Cassian moving on the other side of the phone, "Nes, are you alright?" he sounded worried by the tone of his voice. She closed her eyes, stopping next to her car. She couldn't speak.

"I'm probably talking to myself, but babyy!" he yelled into the microphone, making her flinch. He sighed deeply, and Nesta imagined him as he settled back into bed to rest a few minutes before he went to work too.

The sound of the call ending set her off and with frantic movements she managed to open the car and get into it, driving towards the university. She received a message just as she started driving and didn't allow herself to check what he had written until she was in front of the engineering building.

The text read "Baby did you buttdial me or couldn't I hear you? Anyway, call me if you need anything, love you."

She was about to lose her whole life and heart, wasn't she?

"Buttdialed you. I need to talk to you."

She didn't even had to wait for a reply, the three dots already there the second she pushed 'send'.

"Tomorrow?"

Nesta did not answer, not knowing whether seeing him the next day would be a blessing or a condemnation and thought. And thought.

And thought.

She thought during class and while walking from one lesson to the next.

Was she the one who was in the wrong?

Was Feyre right? Maybe she should have let Cassian's career take its course.

Maybe their relationship didn't start to last. Maybe Nesta would have found someone else.

She parked her car in front of her apartment, seeing that the kitchen lights were on, while the Spacecraft Structures and Mechanisms lesson was playing out in her head.

She dropped her head against the steering wheel, trying to swallow the emotion and not to burst into tears.Couldn't he have waited for her to get her master's degree before dumping this into their lives? She could have handled it much more easily if she hadn't also had the stress of exams. Or maybe not.

The phone rang and Nesta almost screamed for the scare. She grabbed it and saw that it was Feyre and wrinkled her forehead, looking up at the window on the second floor. She saw both sisters looking at her laughing and felt that some of the heaviness she had gathered during the day eased up. She smiled at them, refusing the call and getting out of the car.

The second she entered the home, she was enveloped by the warmth of the small apartment and the smell of what she knew very well was their mother's old macaroni and cheese recipe.

Feyre arrived running in front of her, followed by a festive Elain who appeared shortly afterwards. They were both smiling as if it was Christmas morning and she relaxed even more.

"Are you okay?" asked the little one. She knew it wasn't worry, what she heard in her voice, more the desire to know how her day had gone and Nesta nodded, yawning.

Elain flapped her hands in excitement, "Can we eat now?

She grinned, taking off her jacket and shoes, "I'm going to put on my pajamas, you start without me."

Feyre squeaked with happiness and ran to the kitchen and Nesta was relieved to see her so relaxed. Monday had a completely exhilarating effect on her little sister. Feyre basically only had labs that day and could get completely lost in painting for hours and hours and it was forbidden to use phones in art classrooms, so she wasn't really distracted by calls or messages.

She heard Elain speak loudly and warned her that she had to tell what she had missed the night before at Mor's. When she returned to the kitchen, she sat down and smiled at everything she was told, commenting on each thing with the right calculated expressions and perfect exclamations when needed, but she felt empty, numb.

She went to bed early, saying that she still had to recover from the headache the day before, but when she woke up the next morning, she did not feel better. She didn't feel anything at all.

The conversation she had had with Emerie had upset her and she could not understand why. Her friend hadn't told her anything she didn't already know.

She felt like she was just going through the motions, studying all morning and memorizing stuff on her books and manuals and when she had to leave home after lunch to go to work, she didn't even know who she was anymore.

Tuesday was Emerie's day off thankfully, and at the bookstore was just her, Clare and Matthew, one of the students who, like her, needed some money to get away from home and a temporary job. He and Carlos had been working in the store for so few weeks that Nesta didn't even know their last names and was surprised to be able to remember the boy's name.

Clare had asked her how she felt several times and Nesta had not answered, not even able to speak without risking breaking down completely.

***

"Cassian." murmured Nesta, lying on the sofa, wrapped in a wool blanket. Turning the fabric in her hands she almost smiled, remembering the Christmas when Vera had gifted it to her, "Where are you?"

"I didn't know if you'd want me and I stayed home, but I'll be there in five minutes if you-"

"I need you," she said in an even smaller voice. They were used to spending Tuesday nights at her house watching a movie and when she came home and hadn't found him, there had been a moment of panic when she assumed something bad had happened.

Cassian moved on the other side of the phone, "Nes, I-" he stopped, "I know this is not a good time and there are a lot of things that are upsetting you about this whole situation, but," he took a deep breath and Nesta closed her eyes, resting her head on the armrest of the sofa, "I can feel that you are unwell for other reasons and it hurts me not to be able to do anything about it, so I offer you one thing," he said in a serious voice.

"I just need you here." whispered Nesta, more exhausted than ever, "I'm tired and I'm angry and I need my boyfriend, you don't have to offer me anything, Cass, I just need you to come here and pretend that everything is about to change." Nesta's words broke at the end and she swore faintly, cursing herself for being so compliant when it came to Cassian.

"My offer was the same." he pointed out, "Do you want me to stay on the phone while I come?" he asked her. She heard the sound of keys and a door being slammed and was relieved to learn that he would arrive in less than twenty minutes.

She shook her head, "No, I don't want you on the phone while you're driving, you know it."

"Yeah, I know," he chuckled, "Alright, see you in less than the blink of an eye."

She smiled and the second the call ended, she regretted not accepting his proposal to stay and talk.

She must have fallen asleep, because when she opened her eyes, Cassian was kneeling in front of her and was looking at her with a grieving expression on his face and a half smile on his lips. He reached out to her and caressed her cheek, making her breath catch in her throat.

"Hi, sweetheart." he murmured to her.

With strength she didn't know she had, she managed to pull out, "How can you do this?" she asked so quietly that she wasn't sure she had spoken either, "How can you act as if nothing is happening?"

She knew that she wasn't being fair, she knew that she had asked him to come over there and pretend that everything was normal, but the second he saw his eyes, something inside her broke even more.

"Doesn't it weigh on you, at all, that I'm so upset? That I can't think straight and that I feel so numb sometimes that I can't even recognize the reflection in the mirror? My thoughts? And not even a week has gone by." her eyes filled with tears and the smile on his lips was gone, "Because I miss you, Cassian, and-" she sobbed, pushing her face against his hand, "and I love you and I don't want to lose you and everything you're doing now makes me think it's not like that for you. That you don't want me back, that you don't want a life with me."

Cassian stood up, holding out a hand that she didn't hesitate to grab, she sat up and he stood next to her, looking her in the eyes, "Nesta I love you, you are the reason I wake up in the morning." his chin trembled as much as her body, shaken by the crying, "And the fact that you are suffering because of me makes me feel so bad that I can't breathe sometimes, I feel like I could die. And there isn't a day that I don't wake up and think about how much I want an eternal life with you." a lonely tear slipped over his face and Nesta sobbed, her face twisting in a grimace of pain. Cassian put both hands on her face, pushing his forehead against hers, "And I miss you so much. I haven't kissed you in a week and it's like a piece of me is dead."

Nesta tried to speak, but it was difficult in the midst of the sobbing, "And- and how do you think we..." a sound of pain scratched her way up her throat and Cassian wrapped her in his arms, pulling her closer so that she was sitting on his legs. She put her head to his chest, clutching his shirt with her fingers, "How do you think we will be able to go weeks, months, years without seeing each other, without being able to touch the other, if even a week has led to this?" she said exasperated.

Cassian passed a hand over her hair, kissing her temple, "I can't stay here."

Nesta violently detached herself from him, "Why?!"

He didn't answer, he just looked at her, with shiny eyes and a contracted jaw, and she burst into tears even more loudly, "I need you here!"

"I know."

"You need to stay," she shouted.

"I can't," he sighed trembling, "Don't-"

"Yes, yes, you can!" she said, looking at him with exasperation, "You can!"

Cassian nodded once, "Then I don't want to."

Those five words were like a punch to the stomach and dampened her breath. She got up from the couch, from him, and carried a hand to her throat and as if there had been a tap, a switch, the tears stopped flowing, and the pain became such that it no longer existed and for a second, a miserable and useless second, Nesta thought she had found the answer.

She was about to speak, she was about to tell him.

To leave. To never come back.

To stop loving her.

And yet, when she opened her mouth, something completely different came out, "I'm tired." she whispered, completely drained from any emotion. Cassian remained motionless and Nesta's body did not respond as it had always done, it did not react.

Cassian reached out his hand to her, "Come here," he begged her.

He didn't have to repeat it a second time that she was straddling his lap. She bent forward and closed her eyes, breathing his scent, placing a hand on his chest, right above his heart and feeling it beating. When she looked at him, his eyes were black with emotion and darting on her face.

Nesta's mind was screaming.

"I love you." she murmured, staring into his eyes and then, she pressed her lips against his and the sound that burst out of Cassian's chest was devastating. Earth-shuttering as they closed their eyes as they breathed from each other's mouths, while a week of repressed quarrels and rages and pains inflicted by the other were poured into that kiss.

His movements became more frenzied as his hands slid to her hips and pushed her against him and Nesta moaned, or sobbed. She felt the moment when every sorrow, every ache and hope, every memory, broke the surface and the numbness that had accompanied her in the last two days exploded and she began to lose herself.

She felt like she was falling into emptiness and had to break away from Cassian, starting to breathe frantically. Too fast.

Cassian cradled her face, his expression worried expression, "What is it?"

Nesta looked at him with her eyes wide open.

She looked at the wrinkled skin on his forehead and the way his eyebrows were expressive enough to give away any emotion he felt. She looked at his nose, following its contours and at his lips, swollen and red and shiny, moving as he spoke and touched his hair, long and dark and soft and so familiar to the touch.

She was still falling into that void and felt that she was about to lose control over everything. She saw every laugh and every moment of happiness leave her body. She saw every smile that had been aimed at her. She saw the love of her parents and the devastation her father had gone through when her mother had left them. She saw Azriel's smile the first time they spoke and saw the young Feyre and Elain running around in the garden of their childhood home.

It was all slipping through her hands and she was screaming and couldn't grasp any of those memories. She couldn't.

She saw Cassian kneeling in front of her. She saw him smiling with watery eyes as he walked down the aisle and saw him crying as he held a blue puff to his chest.

Everything was slipping away.

"Look at me!"

And Nesta did it. She looked him in the eyes and hit the bottom. She stopped falling and everything that had left her body fell on her with such force that her back bowed.

She kept looking into his eyes while all sorts of emotions swirled there. In that dark, usually light, brown that Nesta had learned to love in all those years.

She was not ready to let him go.

"Nes look at me." he muttered again.

She burst into tears and fell forward, on him, while Cassian stroked her back and whispered to her that everything would be alright.

Nesta didn't know if everything was going to be alright, but as she got up and climbed up the walls of that hole in her mind, as she picked up every good and bad thing that had happened in her life, as she accepted that thing between them, as she reached the top, where Cassian was waiting for her hopefully, she didn't realize that there was something, someone at the bottom. Someone who was trying to scream and get noticed by her.

And the more Nesta cried in Cassian's arms - the more the Nesta in her mind went up and up - the more she lost herself.

Nesta reached the gate, accepting this new challenge that life was presenting her with, without realizing that she was leaving everything she believed in at the bottom of that well.

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