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a-small-batch-of-dragons · 3 years

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Nobody Left Behind

Prompt: So I don't know if you're taking requests? But I just watched Lilo and Stitch for the first time since I got into TSS and I've adopted the headcanon that it is Remus's *favorite* movie (and he's memorized the script) and I love your writing and I'd love to see something angsty involving Remus feeling lonely/unloved by his brother, and maybe Lilo and Stitch is involved somehow. IDK, go wild. (and feel free to ignore this if you aren't taking requests) <3 - anon

it is Le Fluff™ hours my good bitches

Read on Ao3

Warnings: Remus has some abandonment issues, but it’s not too much

Pairings: it is platonic all the way down, babes

Word Count: 2935

Ohana means family.

Family.

FamILY.

What a weird word.

Sometimes it’s the people you’re born with. Well, not ‘with,’ not necessarily, but the people you are born to. A mother, a father, a sister, a brother. Sometimes two mothers, sometimes two fathers, sometimes a different parent. Sometimes two sisters, sometimes two brothers, sometimes a different sibling. Sometimes a mess of assorted people that all share the same blood. A family.

Remus wasn’t born.

He was made though, crafted and shaped and born out of the swirling chaos of a child’s mind that didn’t understand the world well enough without other people to help. He remembers getting cobbled together from scraps of thoughts and feelings and morphing them into limbs, into features, into something that vaguely resembled the body of the child he was made to fit. Not the ‘fitting’ was ever his job.

Just his brother’s.

Is his brother his family?

By all accounts he should be, right? A brother is one of those people that are traditionally part of the ‘family’ group, right, someone to laugh with, cry with, fight with, live with. But is Roman really his…brother?

That’s what they decided to call themselves because nothing else worked. They weren’t really brothers, they were halves. But they weren’t really halves because there was never a whole to begin with.

The King wasn’t a ‘whole,’ he was…well, he was the King. Half of a king is not a prince. Half of a king is not a duke.

Half of a king is a mess of blood and bones and viscera dripping off of the end of a Morningstar in the middle of the night when only a destroyed facsimile makes the insanity bleed away just enough to breathe again.

The closest thing to twins, is what they decided on eventually. They’re twins. One light, one dark. One that marches boldly into danger to confront the wickedness of the world, one that dwells in the shadows and cackles with the demons nipping at his heels. One that loves, one that isn’t loved.

Sure, they had some things in common. They both loved to fight, hence the scars and the bruises and the wounds that would never, ever heal, the distrust that would never be fixed ever, because the urge to sink their teeth into each other’s necks and rip never went away. They both loved to make, Roman the peaceful lies he tells himself to make up for the gaping wounds Remus leaves as he carves his perfectly tailored destruction. They both love Disney.

Roman’s made it part of his whole deal as the Prince, he loves Disney. He bursts into song every chance he gets, drags the others in until the Mindscape rings with joyful song and there’s nowhere left for any sadness or darkness. He takes his lessons from it, models himself using the traits of the characters he admires most. Cultivates his art of storytelling, perfect to a tee.

Remus loves Disney too. Loves how easy it is to twist the lens to distort the image just enough to let the darker parts of the Imagination run wild. What is the real implication of never growing old, never understanding what it means to die? What kind of person curses a ten-year-old boy for being cautious about who he answers the door to? What could the story have been if the prince never comes to save the day?

When they were smaller it was fine. When they were still getting used to the fact that they weren’t King anymore, they used to sit and watch so many Disney movies. Roman’s favorite was always changing, one week it was Beauty and the Beast, then it was Mulan, then it was Cinderella, it never stayed the same.

Remus’s was always Lilo and Stitch.

Roman never understood it, said it was boring, there wasn’t a prince, there wasn’t anything exciting. Remus said that aliens were plenty exciting, thank you very much.

But they would always watch it. The King wasn’t there anymore, but the prince and the Duke were.

…when they were smaller, there was one time where the prince wasn’t there at all.

Remus remembers waking up one day and feeling like he was being Split all over again. The maggots in his bones reached their awful little mouths into his heart and pulled, yanking him all the way across the bed and to the door, howling and screaming for his twin.

Only to be met with a blank wall.

He remembers howling at the top of his lungs until Janus had rushed to his side, kneeling down next to him and telling him shh, be quiet, hush now, you’re alright, you’re not hurt. And when he couldn’t explain that he was hurt, half of him was missing, Remus needed to go find him, Janus’s mouth had hardened into a thin line and told him that there wasn’t anything to worry about.

He remembers thinking that was a lie.

But it wasn’t. It wasn’t a lie.

Roman was fine.

Roman was more than fine, because Roman had a family.

Roman had Patton, who is the actual manifestation of sunshine and rainbows and loved so much it almost burns. The darkness that wrapped around Remus’s corner of the Imagination screeched and hissed at the very idea of being loved that much, even as part of him strained with all its might to get to it. But Patton would never set foot near this side of the Mindscape.

Roman had Logan, who represents everything true about the Mindscape, about Thomas, about the world. The reality of things that would never let anything Remus created make it anywhere close to anything important because it was dangerous, it was hurtful, and it was wrong. Logan wouldn’t want anything to do with something so useless.

And that was okay. Because Roman may have been gone but Remus wasn’t alone. Remus had Virgil, who lived with fear soaking every fiber of his being. Remus had Janus, who wrapped himself in darkness and obscurity and laughed.

But then Virgil left. And now Roman had Virgil, who used Thomas’s anxieties to keep him safe, to help Roman and the others figure out what to do, how to take care of everybody, and how to make the darkness go away. And Virgil would never willingly sink himself back into the darkness when he’d spent so long clawing himself out of it.

But that was okay, because Remus had Janus. Janus, who plotted and schemed and smirked at how easily the others were pulled along by his strings, luring them deeper and deeper as Remus readied his Morningstar for the trap to be sprung.

But then they sprung the trap and everything went wrong.

Roman didn’t want to fight. He just…he let Remus knock him out and didn’t show up again except to scoff and say he didn’t like him.

And that was…wrong.

Because Roman wasn’t supposed to like him but he was never only supposed to not like him. Roman was supposed to declare that he wasn’t welcome and try and slash him with his sword. Roman was supposed to try and banish him from the Mindscape and spit insults at him until he left, cackling all the while. Roman was supposed to hate him.

But Roman didn’t hate him, he just…he just said he didn’t like him.

But that was okay, because Janus could just come up with a better plan with him this time. They could do it properly, and Roman would hate him again and it would be back to normal.

But then Janus left. And now Roman has Janus, who keeps his eyes where the prince’s aren’t, when he can’t see what’s happening or he can’t bear to look, to help Roman figure out what to do when what seems to be happening isn’t anything that the prince is used to dealing with. And Janus would never willingly step away from a place that finally accepted him.

Roman has them now. Roman has people that chose him. Roman’s family chose him. He chose them. They chose each other.

Remus’s grip on his Morningstar slackens and the thing falls to the ground with a heavy clunk. He moves numbly through his room until he can fall to his knees on his bed.

He just came from the living room. They were all there. Roman was talking with Logan, ranting about some new show they were both watching. Janus was in the kitchen with Patton, making something for dinner that everyone—well, almost everyone—could eat. Virgil was on the back of the couch, reaching out for Roman’s shoulder every once in a while.

Remus had waited behind the couch. For someone to sit down, for someone to see him and shriek, or even maybe—just maybe—for someone to ask where he was.

But no.

Patton had come over and gently ruffled Virgil’s hair, saying that dinner was ready. Logan and Roman had moved into the kitchen, demanding Janus’s attention and pulling him into their conversation. Virgil had murmured a quiet thank you and Roman had asked him for what?

“Y’know,” Virgil had said, “for…this.”

“Of course,” Roman had laughed, the soft rustle of fabric as he probably pulled the emo in for a hug—what did those feel like?— “I should be thanking you?”

“What for, kiddo?”

“I dunno, it just…feels like it’s been forever since we’ve all sat down for dinner together.”

Remus’s chest had started to hurt.

“The whole family.”

The whole family.

Remus’s eyes well up with stubborn tears and he angrily swipes them away, baring his teeth at the memory and focusing intently on the things on the bed. Each hand-stitched, each carefully kept clean.

His family.

He reaches out with a shaking hand and tucks the blue frog plushie into the crook of his arm, crawling into the middle of the bed and balancing the purple spider on his shoulder. His hands keep shaking as he wraps the long yellow snake securely around his neck, clutching the head under his chin and nuzzling it protectively. The dark blue cat he holds in his other hand, careful not to tear its tie as he scrunches in on himself.

Wait.

Where is it?

No, no, no, no—

Remus growls, placing all of his family gently on the floor before all but tearing at his sheets. Where is it, where is it, where is it—his heartbeat starts to rise as his search grows more frantic, where is it, where is it—

The slightest little puff of red hair and he howls, lunging for it and sweeping it into his lap. He pauses to make sure the lion’s crown didn’t fall off and sighs when he sees it still in place. He sets the lion between his legs and leans over, adjusting everyone back into place and scrunching himself into a ball again. He rubs his nose against the lion’s fur and nuzzles into the soft fabric.

He’d never be able to forgive himself if he lost them.

Because Ohana means family.

Family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten.

——————————————————

There’s a knock on his door.

Why is someone knocking on his door?

They knock again.

Remus looks up, carefully butting the spider out of the way with his head and sitting up. The snake hangs off his shoulder and he lets it, only missing its warmth once the knock sounds again.

The frog and the cat watch him warily as he climbs out of bed, the lion clutched in his hand.

The door squeaks slightly as he opens it.

“So, I’ve got popcorn, I found the weird gummy snakes, and they had this chocolate-covered bacon which we have to try—Remus?”

Roman?

Roman stands there, his arms full of snacks and blankets, his head tilted. He glances behind Remus—probably to check something or other—and then back at him.

“Remus? Are you okay?”

“Why are you here?” Roman doesn’t like him.

“It’s movie night, Re, of course, I’m here.” Roman chuckles nervously before taking in his tear-stained face. “Hey, Re, what’s going on? Are you okay? Can I come in?”

Why is Roman here? Roman has his family, what is he doing here? With Remus?

“Remus—“ oh, right, Roman’s talking to him—why is Roman talking to him?—in a soft voice now— “Remus, hey, look at me.”

Remus blinks. Oh. Roman looks concerned now, he’s reaching for him.

“Hey,” he murmurs as he ruffles Remus’s hair, “what’s going on? Have you been crying?”

Remus nods dumbly.

“I’m sorry, Re, can I help?”

Help? Why does Roman want to help?

Oh, he’s waiting for an answer.

“…sure.”

“Thank you,” Roman says softly, “can I come in?”

Remus steps aside wordlessly and Roman walks in, pausing when he sees the rest of Remus’s family on the bed.

“Did you make them?”

Something dark twists in Remus’s chest as he sees Roman reach for the spider.

“Don’t.”

Roman backs off, stepping back as Remus snatches up his family and cradles them in his lap, glaring at Roman and curling up on the bed.

“I won’t, Re, I’m sorry,” Roman says, still speaking softly, “can I sit?”

“…floor.”

Roman sits on the floor, setting aside the blankets and snacks, looking up at him. He still looks concerned. Why? Roman doesn’t like him.

“Why weren’t you at dinner,” he asks gently, “I was worried.”

Worried? About him? Remus snorts.

“You had your whole family there,” he spits, “why would you worry?”

“But you weren’t there,” Roman says like that makes any difference, “so I was worried.”

Remus shakes his head. Roman doesn’t get it. Roman doesn’t worry about him, he worries about other things. But if Roman wants to know why he wasn’t at dinner, he’ll tell him.

“I was with my family.”

Roman’s brow furrows as he glances around again. “…your family?”

Remus huddles protectively around his family. “Yes. My family.”

Roman’s eyes widen as he takes in Remus’s posture and how he reacted when Roman asked about them earlier.

“…are they your family, Remus?”

“Yes.” He holds them tighter. “I chose them. They won’t leave me. They won’t forget me. That’s what family means.”

Something crosses Roman’s face and he lets out a wounded noise. Wait. Are they fighting?

“Wait, Remus,” he murmurs, rising up to his knees, “did you—did you think we forgot you?”

“You did forget me.”

“I’m sorry, Remus, I would’ve come to look for you, but I thought—“ Roman shakes his head— “no, it doesn’t matter what I thought. I should’ve come got you, Re, I’m sorry, I—I didn’t mean to leave you behind.”

Oh.

“…you didn’t?”

Roman shakes his head furiously. “No, Remus, I promise. I never meant to leave you.”

“But everybody leaves me.”

If possible, Roman’s eyes are now wider and he scrambles for the edge of the bed. “What do you mean, Remus, what do you mean everybody leaves you?”

“You left. Virgil left. Janus left. Everybody left.” The lion’s mane brushes against his lips as he bows his head. “But not them. They won’t leave me.”

“Oh, Remus—“

Something big lunges at him and Remus whimpers, he doesn’t have his Morningstar, he doesn’t want to fight, he doesn’t—he doesn’t—

What’s happening? He feels warm and he’s being squished and Roman is pressing himself against him and what—what—

“What’re you doing?”

“It’s a hug, Remus,” comes Roman’s voice, slightly muffled, from over his shoulder, “I’m hugging you.”

Oh.

“R-Ro?”

“Yeah, Re, I’m here, I’m right here, I won’t forget you, I won’t leave you behind, you’re my brother, you’re my family, I choose you.” Roman’s grip tightens on him and Remus just about gasps. “I choose you and I want you and I like you.”

Roman…Roman likes him?

Roman chooses him?

Roman won’t…leave?

“No, Remus,” Roman promises as he cautiously asks, “I won’t leave. Not unless you want me to.”

“No.”

“Then I’m not going anywhere.”

That’s it.

Remus throws his arms around his twin and sobs, cries an entire ocean of tears into his brother’s shoulder because he’s here and he cares and he chose Remus. The darkness shudders as that small part of him surges forward, into Roman’s chest, finding a home in the prince’s heart and languishing in the warmth there.

“I’m right here, Re,” Roman murmurs, stroking up and down his back, “right here, I’ve got you.”

The snake drapes itself cautiously over Roman’s shoulder, the spider taking up watch on his knee. The cat and the frog stare at him, making sure he isn’t lying, that he won’t change his mind. The lion, sandwiched between them, feels the reassuring rumble from Roman’s chest and purrs.

After a long, long time, Remus pulls back a little and scuffs a hand over his nose.

“…did you say something about chocolate-covered bacon?”

Roman’s smile lights up.

“Let’s put on Lilo and Stitch and we’ll try it.”

Ohana means family.

Family means no one gets left behind.

Or forgotten.

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#dragonbabbles #sanders sides #fic #remus sanders #roman sanders #they're the main focus #creativitwins

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why-not-a-tickle-blog · 3 years

Note

I was wondering if you could do something where Virgil gets stuck somewhere and the twins find him and team up to take advantage of the situation? Thank you in advance, your work is amazing!

Warning: Intense tickles, maybe you could say bondage? It’s just the rope trap and Virgil’s own shirt

Of all the things to happen in the imagination. And of all the people for them to happen to, it happened to be Anxiety, caught in a trap.

It was a simple rope trap, snagging his ankles and jerking him upside down, hidden well enough that even with all his wariness he hadn’t seen it.

“I don’t even hardly go in the imagination and then the one time I do I get stuck,” Virgil grumbled.

He’d tried to get out, twisting and thrashing and grabbing, but it didn’t do any good. He was lucky he wasn’t human, or the blood rush to his head would’ve become painful. As it was, he was just exhausted from thrashing and very very bored of being stuck.

And then he heard footsteps.

His heart beat faster, worried that the Hunter had arrived. He wasn’t sure what the imaginary hunter might do, but he was still more than nervous.

“Ohhh~ look what we have here~” a very familiar voice said.

“Remus,” Virgil sighed, relieved. “I’m glad you’re here, can you let me down?”

Remus walked around in front of him. “But I caught you~”

Remus made a summoning motion, and Roman rose up. “Look what I caught, Ro~ weren’t you just saying earlier you wished you could find someone a little stuck for a few pokes~?”

A few pokes… Virgil’s face went red and he covered his stomach.

Roman grinned at his reaction. “I did say that, didn’t I? Maybe there’s a reason this little Stormcloud let himself get caught, hmm?”

“I-I didn’t! Not for— not on purpose!” And he hadn’t, truly, had anything of the kind in mind when he’d wandered into the imagination. Now though, presented with two grinning Lers, butterflies were growing in his belly.

Remus sat down in front of Virgil’s face, tugging surprisingly gently at his arms. Virgil had already spent his energy on thrashing earlier, and didn’t have much fight left in him to resist. His arms were pulled down, so they dangled straight, which made his shirt flip up over his face.

Roman moved his shirt so he could look him in the eyes, more serious now. “You can say no, now or anytime.”

Virgil blushed at having to admit he wanted to be tickled now, even just by not saying no. “Thanks,” he mumbled, biting his lip.

Roman grinned, evil and hungry looking, dropping Virgil’s shirt to cover his face again.

Virgil squirmed, the skin on his exposed torso tingling in anticipation. Remus held both his wrists easily in one hand, leaving three hands and a whole imagination’s worth of tools ready to tickle Virgil at any moment.

Fingers lightly touched his ribs, and Virgil jolted and squeaked.

There was a dark chuckle from one of the twins.

The fingers scribbled lightly, and Virgil burst into giggles.

“I want to keep him forever~” Remus said. “He’s mine, I caught him, and I get to tickle him for ever and ever, hours at a time~”

Virgil squealed as the scribbling fingers reached one armpit and scribbled even faster.

“I love the idea~ so long as you share your prize sometimes~” Roman teased.

Virgil felt two hands grip his hips, and squirmed hard, his giggles ratcheting up to laughter just from the anticipation of tickles on his hips and belly. The two hands held him still as a long, loud raspberry was blown directly onto his bellybutton.

Virgil squealed and laughed helplessly, already his squirming not working to help him, as tired as his muscles were and weak from laughter.

Remus seemed to understand how incapable he was of protecting his weak points, and let go of his wrists, attacking both armpits at once.

Virgil cackled and laughed, squealing again when Roman blew another raspberry on his belly.

Roman squeezed and scribbled at his hips, blowing many small raspberries all over his belly. Remus’s hands crawled up to taze his ribs, and Virgil was lost in laughter, tears of mirth leaking from the corners of his eyes.

Then they stopped, both at the same time, letting Virgil catch his breath.

“I have a game for you~” Roman said. “Guess correctly where we tickle next, and you get a little break. Guess incorrectly, and we tickle you till you squeal~”

Virgil wouldn’t know. He couldn’t see past his shirt. He was going to get so tickled, he knew it. Excitement bubbled up in him, nearly making him giggle even without any tickles.

“My turn first then!” Remus said, sounding as excited as Virgil was. “Where am I gonna tickle, giggly darkling~?”

Virgil’s mind went to the sensation of Remus’s fingers in his armpits, and on his ribs, and his sides, and each spot tingled, nearly tickling already. He didn’t know. Didn’t have a way of knowing.

“Come on, you can guess~” Remus teased. “It’ll only tickle so much when you get it wrong~”

Virgil could barely keep the giggles at bay. “A-armpits.”

“Wrong!” Remus said gleefully, tazing and scribbling at Virgil’s ribs.

Virgil laughed and squirmed, jolts of tickly sensation running through him. And then Remus started nuzzling, his mustache rubbing against the sensitive skin on one side, while both his hands were free to taze into the other. Virgil squealed, trying to push Remus away, but his arms were far too weak.

A few more seconds that felt more like hours later, Remus stopped, rubbing soothingly as Virgil hiccuped and giggled, trying to get his breath back.

“Where will I tickle you~?” Roman asked, before Virgil had gotten his breath back.

That was right, the correct guesses were for breaks. He was glad they still paused for a little, rather than Roman asking while he was still laughing his head off.

“Behehelly,” Virgil guessed.

“Nope~!” Roman said.

Virgil wasn’t sure then where he was going to go. Belly was a wide guess, even sides and hips were sort of counted in it.

And then a hand squeezed at his thigh. Virgil yelped embarrassingly loudly.

“Surprised you with a tickly spot~” Roman cooed. “Get ready to squeal~”

Roman scribbled lightly along the backs of Virgil’s thighs, and Virgil couldn’t help laughing. But then he squeezed again, just above his knee on his left leg, and finding that awful horrible amazingly ticklish tendon on the right.

Virgil squealed and shrieked in laughter, his body jerking with more energy than he thought he had left. Roman kept going a bit longer than Remus had after the first squeal, and when he finally stopped Virgil went nearly limp, gasping for air.

“You ready to be done?” Remus whispered in a more serious tone.

“Can—“ Virgil gasped. “After a break… can I have more belly tickles.. before done? A— a lot?”

He was glad for the shirt hiding his face, as he blushed dark.

Remus hugged him suddenly. “We’d love to.”

“Awwww~” Roman cooed. “Such a tickle-hungry lee~”

Virgil blushed even darker.

“Since the lee wants a lot, I want to use tools!” Remus said excitedly.

“Oh yes~” Roman agreed. “Brushy tools particularly~”

Virgil squirmed, barely biting back the whine.

“What if one of us tickles the belly, and the other gets to focus all their attention on the button~?” Remus asked.

Roman’s chuckle was pure evil. “Yes.”

Virgil did whine that time. “Don’t tease!”

“Don’t tease~?” Roman asked. “Us, not teasing our sweet captured lee? Impossible~”

“It makes all the tickles tickle more, doesn’t it~?” Remus said knowingly. “So when we scribble at your belly it’ll be all tingly and ready to burst with laughs and giggles~! It’s so perfectly stretched out for us too~ with no way of getting away or curling up~ just waiting for us to play with it just how we like~”

Virgil whined and squirmed.

“I think if he’s able to whine he’s able to be tickled, don’t you?” Roman asked.

“Oh yes!” Remus agreed, and suddenly Virgil could hear the sound of buzzing.

He squirmed and whined, twisting back and forth.

Hands grabbed his hips again. “I guess I’ll have to use some magic to tickle the button, if I have to hold you still~” Remus teased.

Something liquid touched his belly, and Virgil gasped. A hand spread the oil slowly over his belly and poked into his bellybutton, making him squeak.

“You ready for a lot of tickles~?” Roman teased. “Actually wait~” he bent down and tapped Virgil’s chest and his throat gently. “Don’t want you running out of air, and now you can’t!”

They were going to tickle him till he went insane!

“The little button gets the first tickle~” Remus said, brushing circles around Virgil’s bellybutton with an electric toothbrush as Virgil shrieked with laughter.

Roman scribbled around the rest of his belly and sides, often blowing raspberries.

Remus quickly went from circling to dipping the brush into Virgil’s bellybutton.

Virgil couldn’t stand it! It tickled so bad! It was like his brain floated away from his body, leaving only sensation and laughter. Squeals and shrieks were pulled from him by the two tormenting his belly. He never wanted it to stop. Nothing mattered in the slightest except the fireworks of tickles constantly being set off. He didn’t even have to worry about catching his breath.

And then Roman decided it was his turn to start using electric toothbrushes, far more than two hands could hold, and Remus was also squeezing sporadically at Virgil’s hips.

All his laughter became a silent scream, the sensations starting to blend together, his whole belly a tickle spot.

He managed to bump one arm against Roman’s leg.

The two stopped immediately. Remus rubbed his belly gently, and Roman helped to very gently and carefully get him down.

The forest faded away, replaced by a cool, dim room and a very soft bed.

Virgil felt all glowy, still riding the high from all the tickles. One of them offered him some water, and the other laid beside him, rubbing gently up and down his arms.

“Did you have fun?” Roman asked quietly, his tone hesitant and almost worried.

“So much fun,” Virgil said, a grin still on his face as he hugged Roman.

Remus hopped into the bed behind him, hugging also and running his fingers through Virgil’s hair.

“If I get this kind of treatment every time, I’ll start looking for traps in the imagination…” Virgil said sleepily.

“I’ll make some just for you,” Remus said immediately. “Anytime you want.”

Virgil leaned his head into Remus’s hand, weakly tugging Roman a bit closer. He could barely keep his eyes open.

Roman’s knuckles brushed against his cheek. “You can sleep, Emo.”

Virgil drifted off, still floaty and happy. “You two are the best…”

#my fic #sanders sides tickling #tickle fic #lee!virgil #ler!remus #ler!roman

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wish-i-wasnt-a-coward · 3 years

Text

I won’t leave you, not again

Pairings: Anxceit (can be read as platonic if you’re determined) platonic/familial DRLAMP

Warnings: violence, food, mention of injury, fear that someone is dead, cursing, crying, angst with a happy ending :)

Word count: 1170

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Virgil pulled himself off of the ground, wincing as his wounds protested painfully. He and Janus had been stuck in Remus’s side of the imagination for hours. These shadow monsters had found them almost as soon as they ended up here. Virgil had done his best to protect Janus as attack after attack was thrown at them but he was losing stamina.

Janus stood across the clearing pushing back the shadow creature with his shepherd's crook.

“For the record, this is your fault” Janus yelled over the screeching of the monsters. “And how’s that asshole?” Virgil called back, sprinting towards Janus. “You started the argument that got us here,” Janus said dodging a tentacle, “I did not!” Virgil stabbed the tentacle with a strand of his spider web and pulled Janus back. “You started it! And you got mad enough to send us here”.

Janus opened his mouth to shout an insult back but nothing came out. Virgil turned, following Janus’ line of sight. He tightened his grip on Janus and cursed loudly.

Another shadow monster had risen behind them. The three demons shrieked in joy as they circled the two sides.

“Cover your ears” Virgil commanded. Janus clamped his hand around his head as Virgil screamed in his tempest’s tongue.

The demons backed away convulsing in pain.

One of the demons recovered faster than the others and shot towards Janus, opening its tentacles to consume him. Janus stood helplessly as the monster thundered towards him.

“NO!” Virgil cried in tempest’s tongue and he threw himself between the two. Janus made a strangled noise reaching out for the anxious side only seconds too late.

Virgil was enveloped by the darkness.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

When Virgil opened his eyes the first thing he saw was grey carpet. He dragged his head to the side.

Virgil blinked and looked around, the dark side’s mind palace loomed around him. He could hear someone in the kitchen and footsteps above them.

The anxious side sat up slowly, “what are you doing down there?” a voice questioned from behind him.

Virgil wiped around, shifting into a defensive position on instinct, “are you ok Virgil?” a young Janus asked, kneeling next to him. Virgil’s mouth opened and closed as tried to make sense of this.

Janus looked at Virgil with soft concern. “Can I touch you sweetheart?” he asked, snaking his soft arms around the taller side when he nodded. Without thinking Virgil wrapped his arms around Janus’ thin frame and pulled him close.

His mind was racing a million miles an hour, where was he, why didn’t Janus hate him, why was he so young, what had the shadow monster done to him, was he ok?

Janus pulled away from the hug. “better?” Virgil nodded and the deceptive side beamed, “terrible, I wasn’t making dinner, would you like to come eat? Remus is here” Virgil nodded again and let himself be pulled up by the smaller side.

Their hands stayed firmly clasped as Janus pulled him into the kitchen. Virgil looked around in wonder, the mindscape looked exactly like it did before Virgil left... Janus looked like he did before Virgil left.

The anxious side was pushed into a chair. Janus dropped a bowl of pasta in front of him and sat across the table. He didn’t have food himself, he just looked at Virgil lovingly as the anxious side tentatively picked up his fork. Virgil took a bite.

..verge

“Janus what's going on” Janus furrowed his eyebrows, “what do you mean??” he questioned.

you have to wake up

Virgil sighed “you know what I mean. All of this... you. It isn't right” Janus looked confused, “what do you mean it isn’t right, we're happy. Isn’t that what you want?”

please

“It’s not real Jan,” Virgil said sadly, “as much as I wish things could be as simple as they used to be, I have to live with my decision, there’s no going back.”

I can’t do this alone

Janus’ eyes filled with tears, “You can’t go back, he doesn't love you, he’ll never love you again. Please don’t leave me”. His form flickered in and out of existence.

Virgil crumpled a bit, “I love him enough for the both of us, I’m not leaving him,” he said as determinedly as he could. The not-quite Janus growled, lunging towards Virgil.

Virgil closed his eyes.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Janus, the real one this time, held Virgil's limp form as the last shadow monster fled. He frantically checked for a pulse, slumping in relief when he found one. “Come on Verge” he murmured, “you have to wake up. Please” tears welled up in Janus’ eyes, “I can’t do this alone” he whispered.

Virgil jolted, yanking Janus down into a tight embrace. “Oh god, Verge. I thought you were gone” Janus cried into the anxious side shoulder. Virgil breathed deeply, inhaling Janus who was here, was real. “I’m not leaving you, not again” Virgil murmured.

The two sat holding each other for a few minutes and would have forever but it quickly became clear that Virgil’s injuries needed tending, badly. Janus didn’t know first aid so he acted as Virgil’s crutch as they trudged towards Remus’ palace where hopefully they could get back to the mindscape.

The moment Virgil and Janus set foot inside the dark castle Remus appeared, looking a lot paler than usual. “What the fuck happened to you two!!!! Here let me help,” he blurted, reaching towards Virgil's other arm and taking some of his weight.

The three sunk out into the mind palace.

Logan and Patton looked up from the couch. Roman stopped his pacing and raced to catch Virgil as he slumped forward out of the other two’s arms. Logan summoned a first aid kit and went to work on Virgil’s injuries as he was lowered onto the couch.

Janus hovered over Virgil, batting Patton away as he fussed over Janus’ scratches. Eventually, Remus had to push him into a chair and hold him down while Patton cleaned Janus’s wounds.

After Logan was satisfied that Virgil would be ok Janus recounted what had happened. Remus looked incredibly guilty, despite Janus’ protests that he wasn’t to blame.

Once Janus was done with his story the twins went off to “seek glorious revenge” or “murder the mother fuckers who hurt you” depending on which one you asked. Patton went off to stress bake and Logan followed to assure he didn’t accidentally set the kitchen on fire.

Janus sighed leaning against the couch where Virgil lay. He carefully intertwined their fingers as Virgil blinked down at him with doe-eyes. “You alright,” he croaked. The deceitful side laughed, “you should definitely be asking me that. But yeah, I’m fine. You?”

Virgil relaxed, blinking slowly, “good” he murmured. “I’m glad” Janus smiled softly pressing a kiss to the groggy side’s head.

Virgil blinked up at him with an adorably shocked expression, “we shouldn’t talk about this later” Janus said, “but now, sleep.” Virgil nodded and yawned. He opened his arms for the deceptive side who happily burrowed into his embrace.

Janus smiled into Virgil's warm chest, they were gonna be ok.

#anxceit #ts anxceit #ts virgil #virgil sanders #virgil anxiety #sander sides virgil #Janus sanders #ts Janus #platonic drlamp #familial drlamp #platonic anxceitmus #tw food #tw violince #sanders sides #sander sides #sander sides fanfiction #sanders sides fanfiction #ts remus #remus sanders

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the-sunshine-dims · 2 years

Text

little closets are the best places to hide (chapter 3)

sorry this chapter took so long hopefully it being long makes up for it :]

Ao3

Words: 9363

Contents and warnings: Remus angst, panic attack, intrusive thoughts, Remus typical, self hatred, abusive!wrath, small bit of Virgil leaving angst, hurt/comfort, abandonment issues, self-esteem issues,

________

It took him several long moments to even partly process what just happened.

and what that meant.

To realize, suddenly, just from that interaction alone, from now on he would either be pitied and treated like an invalid, or would just be completely abandoned, again . for not being strong enough, and for showing them just that, showing them he would only be a liability, and he had ruined any chance he had ever had of just saying the flinch was just an instinct from fighting In the imagination, the moment he had sunk out.

After all, people don’t run away if they don’t have to.

Remus doesn’t run away unless he has to.

They would know, and they would hate him.

…was he going to be abandoned again?

And just that thought sent him spiraling.

Oh god, why couldn’t he of just focused enough to not flinch at any sudden voice, he was so stupid, the most spontaneous side and he couldn't even handle people talking to him, what a joke.

And suddenly, he realized he couldn’t breathe.

He tried, and tried, but it just came out in desperate gasps and dry hiccups, and his lungs hurt, and the more he tried to stop it the more it hurt—

His chest was heaving and he couldn’t breathe and everything was suddenly so bad and he couldn’t do anything to stop it from being so.

It felt like he was laying in the water, almost blissful, before having a big wave wash over him.

It was terrifying.

And he couldn’t get up and get help.

Before he even knew what he was doing he was in a familiar dark closet huddled against the corner.

He didn’t know what to do.

Remus had a persona to keep up with, and it was a comfortable persona, because, for the most part, it was him, the only difference was he didn’t show his vulnerabilities. but in a matter of what felt like hours but was probably the span of thirty seconds, maybe, he’d messed it all up.

His only hope was that Janus would try and make up an excuse for the flinch and add on to that and say Remus had probably just gotten bored with them not reacting how he’d wanted them too and that's why he left.

He fucked up so badly.

And the worst part is he couldn’t even summon Janus- or if it were a couple of years— or a couple of months- earlier and he still allowed himself to yearn to— Virgil. Because he knew exactly where they were, and it would be even more pathetic for Janus or Virgil to suddenly disappear in front of them all because they were summoned by him especially after that.

He was alone, alone in his room, alone in his closet.

All alone.

And he couldn’t change that.

And he could only hope that they would just continue ignoring him like before, that would be better than the alternative which would no doubt be a surge of pity.

..if they started pitying him they were going to try and pity-spend-time with him weren't they? Pretend they suddenly forgot the whole interaction and every interaction they've ever had before and pretend they suddenly want to hang out with him, maybe they'd let him help them in the kitchen, or even officially invite him to a movie night.

They would be so nice to him for the first time in a long while and there would be no way he would even be able to enjoy it,

Because he knew the thinly veiled insincereness would wear even thinner and eventually break free and they would hate him even more as a result of having to deal with him with no outlet for their frustration.

it would be so much worse—

Would they kick out Janus because of him? Would they yell at him for trying to defend Remus as they laughed and called him pathetic?

Worse yet- would they think Janus was the one who constantly yelled at him? Or would they think he did worse?

That thought sent chills down his spine and his chest suddenly heaving, even his usual minimum control completely lost to him now. Janus’s gradual acceptance would be gone all because he let Wrath get to him—

Janus would hate him.

Oh god, Janus would hate him.

Why wouldn’t he if the others rejected him just because Remus was pathetic and wasn’t even strong enough to be able to hide that?

a couple of months of Janus hanging around them, maybe, and Remus had already messed it up for him.

Helping Thomas had always been a big goal of Janus’s and suddenly his chair at the table would have an axe taken to it, all because of him.

Janus wouldn't even be annoyed with him, he would plain hate him.

And even if any of that didn’t happen, now the light sides finally had a reason to get rid of him, finally had a weak point to use to get him to stay away from Thomas.

He needed to find new hiding spots before they realized, he needed to search while they're still in the ‘what happened’ sympathetic stage, and not the trying to use it to their advantage stage. yelling at him so he knows he can never go to the common room again— it probably wouldn’t stop him, he never truly learned, but he would definitely be on edge or plain terrified the whole time.

He needed to find new places to hide so no one could find him, not Wrath, not the lights, and not Janus.

Janus knew his hiding spots.

His breath was coming in wheezes and airy gasps now and he felt gross warm tears pooling in his eyes.

He didn’t cry.

He needed to find new places to hide.

But he couldn’t move. His legs could barely move an inch, and his arms felt so heavy.

He can’t move and he can’t breathe and he can barely see and he can’t speak and he can't fix it and he can’t do anything.

His chest hurts so much.

Everything hurts and it feels like he’s drowning and he can’t breathe.

And no one can help.

He wants to call for someone, anyone.

He’s ruined everything with everyone though, huh?

He ruined stuff with Virgil to the point he didn’t even tell him he was leaving, he ruined stuff with Wrath just by existing, and that ruined stuff even more with everyone else. Logan already found him annoying, Patton was scared of him, Roman thought of him only as “the evil twin” and as everything he never wanted to be, and Janus would no doubt start hating him once he finally realized Remus wasn’t even strong enough to not flinch at a stupid voice.

This would just be the final shoe dropping.

He was weak and loud and brash and broken beyond repair and now they realized it and hated him, and he couldn’t fix it.

Who would even want him to fix it anyway?

Now they all finally had an excuse, they could finally keep him away from Thomas, finally tell everyone how useless he was, how completely pointless he was- his existence was, and they would be right.

Because what even was he really? Dark creativity? Roman had the potential for that, so he wasn’t really needed in that department. He wasn’t needed to criticize society, Janus did a better job of that anyway. the only thing he was that the others weren’t and could never be was intrusive thoughts, and even then Virgil got the actual potentially useful and needed ones, he got the ability to tell when something was wrong, he got the ability to genuinely tell when something hadn’t been there and Thomas hadn’t moved it.

All he was, was the bad, awful, painful, intrusive thoughts that hurt everyone who had to deal with them.

He was useless. hated, not needed,

And most definitely not wanted.

He.. didn’t want to be that.

He didn’t want all of his traits to be hated,

Everything he was.

He didn’t want to be hated.

…He didn’t want to be ignored.

——-

Janus watched silently as Remus disappeared through the floor, looking damn near petrified , and it just made him even more furious at Wrath, and he needed to go comfort Remus right now—

Unfortunately for him though it took less than a second after Remus had sunk out fully for the previously and uselessly frozen light sides To erupt in loud indistinguishable noise, concerned noise, so he couldn’t blame them, they weren’t at fault for the present situation anyway, only Wrath was, but still it was noise nonetheless, so indistinct he couldn’t make out any of the words.

He was only able to make out the words when suddenly all eyes turned on him, not quite accusing but definitely suspicious.

“What happened to Remus?” Virgil asked, though, with the way he glared at Janus and stepped forward just slightly, it was obviously more of a demand to tell him than a question.

Janus sighed, instantly already tired of this but he knew he needed to answer their questions so they wouldn't pressure Remus into answering them, he didn’t think Remus could handle that, still, he knew it’d take longer than he would like for him to be able to leave.

And it would only take longer the more he waited to answer.

So, he quickly steeled himself as he answered simply, looking right at Virgil.

“you know who,”

And the others look confused, which was probably for the best, but Virgil just looked even angrier.

“that.. asshole , fucking Remus is flinching! Remus!” He growled.

Patton didn’t even attempt to chastise the cursing, almost instantly seeming to catch up on not quite who they meant, but exactly what they were wordlessly referencing and he looked absolutely furious.

“Why didn’t you help him?” Roman spoke up accusingly, fuming and looking at him with even more contempt than ever, practically bearing fangs at him.

Janus scoffed, “you don’t think I tried? I confronted him multiple times before I realized it just made everything worse for Remus, And you have the nerve to say that as if you comforted Remus ever . At least I’ve been trying to get Remus away from him .”

“Well, i-“ Roman cut himself off as he met with Virgil's eyes across from him, shutting his mouth instantly before looking down, balling his hands into fists in his pants, his mouth still opening and closing, still desperately trying to come up with a response despite himself. and it just infuriated Janus even more that they just assumed they suddenly knew everything, assumed that Janus hadn’t done all he could presently, it had gone from zero to a hundred so quickly just because of how combative they were, it annoyed him beyond belief.

The conversation almost instantly tapered off into awkward silence after his and Roman’s words as Roman continued just staring down at the floor, almost embarrassed that Janus wasn’t the true villain he claimed he was, time after time, and he looked just the taddest bit contemplative. a weird look for him.

He was about to turn around to leave— he wasn’t just going to wait for them to catch up to go to Remus— but he was swiftly interrupted.

“Would we be able to help?” Logan asked suddenly, his voice even, though Janus could see just from looking at him that even he was feeling unexpectedly protective.

…And honestly, as much as he absolutely loathed to admit it, they could. If nothing else, even just letting Remus stay there more often and for longer would help, let alone the possibility of moving Remus to the mind palace away from Wrath completely. Remus deserved to be able to be safe, and to feel safe, and being able to get away would help with that massively.

He deserved to be able to do something as simple as be in the kitchen or living room without constant anxiety.

And they could help with that.

And as Janus looked around they were all looking at him, and as he stayed quiet Logan looked like he was about to clarify what he meant but Janus quickly interrupted even the thought “I’m not going to discuss long term things without Remus present,” he told them straightforwardly and Roman almost looked ready to argue like that would change anything, but he continued “ However , if this conversation is over I’m going to make sure Remus isn’t breaking down all alone in his room, and you are free to come with, but if he says or even implies that he doesn’t want or is uncomfortable with you being there, or I decide you need to leave for any reason, you are gone instantly.” He tells them, “understood?”

They all make some noise or gesture of agreement and he sighs before nodding to himself, and focusing on sinking them all right in front of Remus's door.

——

Remus sharply inhaled as he heard a couple of soft knocks before the familiar sound of the door creaking open filled his ears.

He froze, going completely still before rushing to cover his mouth, trying to muffle his ragged breathing and the sobs still wracking his body, trying to be as quiet as possible,

He didn’t want to be found after all.

So he needed to be quiet.

The deafening silence was better than the endless ear-splitting loud that would no doubt happen if they found him.

Quiet, even if it sometimes felt suffocating was safe.

Quiet, even if it sometimes felt abrasive, was wanted.

No matter how awful it felt, it was treasured. people liked to work in silence. People liked to read in silence. People liked to exist in silence.

People liked quiet, people liked quiet people.

..Maybe if he was quiet they would like him..

…Maybe if he was quiet everything would be okay.

At least- maybe if he was quiet everyone wouldn’t hate him anymore.

If they didn’t have to hear him, maybe they would tolerate him.

He knew he was loud and annoying on the best of days so if he stopped talking maybe, just maybe everything would be better?

If he was just quiet and listened and was normal, maybe if he started eating any normal food he was given, or if he stayed quiet during movies, or didn’t talk to Thomas unless strictly invited, or maybe if he was stronger, maybe if he stopped trying to show the others his art— maybe if he started being better, maybe they wouldn’t be mad or upset whenever they had to be in his presence? Maybe everything would be okay?

Maybe if he stopped being him , maybe everything wouldn’t be as bad.

The more the thought went on the more his lungs faltered and sputtered in his breathing and the more tears sprung to his eyes.

Because honestly maybe if he wasn’t him maybe they would’ve liked him.

Maybe if he wasn't him they would have said something when he flinched instead of just staring like always.

But no matter how much he wants to change he can’t, he’s not good with change or at change, maybe if he kept trying though—

“Remus? It’s me, Janus. The others are here too, though they don’t have to be. Rem where are you?”

Remus huddled even more into the corner out of instinct, staying quiet. He trusted Janus, but he knew he could be mad at him for— well, everything, being weak no matter how much Janus helped him, running and hiding like a coward, ruining everything again and again. And even if Janus wasn't mad, he didn’t trust the light sides, he had no reason to trust them.

But Janus wouldn’t just give up which meant Remus was just making everything harder for everyone just because he knew he was weak.

Maybe Wrath was right, maybe he did just make everything worse.

God Janus would be mad at him just for thinking that, even if he agreed with it. because he had told him that was wrong, had put time and effort into comforting him and counteracting everything Wrath said, and here Remus was still doing what he did best, fucking everything up and making a mess.

Janus had been being so kind and here he was saying Wrath was right.

Maybe… Janus had misplaced his kindness, it could’ve gotten him a lot more if he used it on the others rather than Remus, but he hadn’t and Remus had used it up and he made everything worse for him.

He always did, didn’t he?

A sob escaped him and he just curled up into himself instinctively, trying to muffle the annoyingly loud crying with his knees and arms.

He was definitely Roman’s brother, whether he admitted it or not, with how dramatic he was, seriously crying just because he realized the truth? He should’ve already known it anyways, any episode with him in it Thomas isn’t happy, and if Thomas isn’t happy then no one else is either.

He was just a leech who made everyone unhappy, Wrath was just the first to call him out on it.

He didn’t want everyone to be unhappy all the time.

He didn’t know what to do though.

What could he possibly do?

Really what could he do?

…he couldn’t do anything.

Why could he never do anything? He was the most spontaneous side, the side who had no filter, the side who has very little self-control, the side who made others cringe at just his presence , and he had been happy to be himself, grinning and laughing at the others when they were disgusted by one of his ideas, positively delighted at their negative reactions.

But now he can’t even breathe, and he can’t fix everything he’s broken, he can’t and will never be able to help Thomas, he can’t bring Virgil back to them, he can’t even do his job.

The one thing he needs to do, even if they continue to hate him for it, and he can’t even do that because that requires talking.

He missed the years before everything, when everyone was happy, him, Janus, Virgil, and the light sides …honestly he is happy Virgil finally has everything he ever wanted, happy and angry , it feels so bittersweet, he's happy and proud of him, he is. He just misses when he was happy.

He misses discussing the dark parts of movies and shows with Virgil and he misses the way Janus poorly hid his amusement behind his hand as he reminded them that the movie had ended half an hour ago without them noticing because they were too busy making fun of a character, he misses them being friends.

He misses the laughing and smiling, and the adventures he convinced the two to go on with him, and the messes they made as he terrorized them while they cooked or washed dishes because they were laughing too hard to pay attention.

He misses the quiet nights-in Janus and Virgil hosted, simply reading altogether. and the loud music playing as he tornado-ed Virgil around the room, spinning so fast they almost knocked down several shelves and Janus had to shout at them to be careful before they died .

He misses before the yelling started,

Even if it was just a week before, even if it was when Virgil was drifting away already.

He misses it all.

He was broken, disturbed, gross, and he had worn it like a badge of honor.

He wished he still had that in him.

Then he was happy.

Now he was having what he was sure was probably a panic attack in the closet hiding from his longest-standing friend all because he couldn't deal with more stupid yelling .

Now he was pathetic in the worst way, the side everyone hated most, for every reason, and now he was being vulnerable like he could afford it.

Which he couldn’t.

He really couldn’t.

And he couldn’t even duck out, because even when he wanted to, just the knowledge being confirmed that they wouldn’t come after him would break him, and even if he didn’t have to deal with that knowledge for more than an hour maybe it would still be unbearable.

And if he ducked out, it would be on his terms.

If he ducked out he would make sure his last hour was euphoric as shit.

He’d do everything he could to be happy for as long as he could before he faded.

He’d be him again.

...even if Wrath was probably right, he misses when he wasn’t yelling, he misses just being him.

God Remus was weak, seriously reminiscing? He wasn’t a light side, he didn't do that. No wonder they hated him so much, no matter what he did it was stupid or irritating.

Remus couldn’t even blame them if Janus and Roman and the others did yell at him

Now they finally had a way to get rid of him. Who would blame them for actually using it?

They deserved at least a break from him, and now they knew how to get it.

Regardless of his rationalization he still couldn’t stop the sobs from wracking his body or stop his frame from shaking like a leaf— or a plane crashing down, that would be fun to watch.

He supposed Logan was the only one who was really good at rationalization, even when it was really annoying, he was still really good at it.

It was frustrating actually—

His breath hitched as he heard a gentle knocking on the closet door, and reasonably he knew it was probably only Janus, he knew Janus wouldn’t let Wrath in the room, and Janus wouldn’t let anyone break anything especially the light sides, he had even said they didn’t need to be there if he didn’t want them to, but even then it still started up the spiraling once again as he tried to move even farther away from the door.

What if they break the door down and it shatters into him? Would they take that risk? He doesn’t want to have to see the dark red liquid slowly ooze out of his wounds as he slowly and painfully bled to death, he can’t handle that today, not right now.

And he couldn’t even reply to the knocks as the air drifted swiftly into silence, he couldn’t tell them not to break the door, he couldn’t tell them to go away, or plead with them to please help him, he couldn’t speak, his throat felt like it was swollen shut and he could only remain silent in the one way that mattered. Typical.

What if Janus somehow started thinking he hid outside his room and left them all alone in his room? Surely now that he was undoubtedly in front of the door he would know Remus was there. Right?

What if Janus started getting angry at him for hiding?

He hadn’t before sure, but everyone had a breaking point, and he’d already seen several, why not one more?

What if he actually encouraged them to yell? What if he found him just to let them finally get rid of him? What if they got so angry at him that they threw him in the cold empty subconscious?

What if he couldn't worm his way out of this one?

Wrath was right—

“Remus I’m going to slowly open the door, okay?” Janus spoke, and Remus couldn’t even think as he watched in what felt like slow motion as he did just that, the light was practically blinding and Remus couldn’t help but huddle his face into his knees, the light hurt.

..And he didn’t need to see his longest-standing friend's face as he chastised him for being weak and stupid enough to cause this whole dumb mess to happen, and he didn’t want Janus to see his face either.

After all, what's another thing to try and hide even when he knows it’s inevitable to fail?

He heard the small sound of people shuffling away and muffled muttering before the louder door clicked and he felt the light fully settle onto him and Janus talked again “it’s only us right now,” he told him, his voice low and soft, “are you alright?”

Remus huffed a humorless laugh as he shook his head, not using any actual effort to move it from his knees so he didn’t know if Janus actually saw it.

still, Janus hummed, in thought, Remus could tell, before speaking again. “Do you want to talk about it?”

He didn’t, and he doubted he could, he shook his head.

Another hum, “would touch hurt you or help you right now?”

He didn’t know, he thinks if he got any positive affection right now he might melt into a gross gooey puddle. though, he doesn’t think he would mind that right now, but he doesn’t really know, everything was so uncertain.

Still, he took a quiet breath trying to keep his voice from coming across as any type of vulnerable as he tried to answer,

And he did, he tried , but nothing came out, just like before. Still, he wasn’t completely deterred as he made a vague reaching-for motion at Janus.

And hoped for the best.

He looked up a little through his bangs and even when he hadn’t talked or done anything really Janus looked so proud .

and he was expecting him to ask him to come out or ask if he could help him come out. and then he’d have to deal with Janus's sudden and stark disappointment when he told him he couldn’t, but instead, he watched in startled confusion as Janus took off his capelet and carefully climbed into the closet sitting down next to him, practically bumping shoulders with him in the small space, but not moving anymore, letting Remus set the pace.

And god Remus really hoped that Janus wouldn't be in on the yelling or that Remus had just been overthinking because Janus was the best and he didn’t think he could handle losing him.

He didn’t think he could handle losing anyone he loved again.

…what if the light sides were still gonna stop Janus from joining though? What if this was the last shred of comfort he had before Janus hated him?

No. no, everything was fine, Janus was here now so everything was fine, fine and good, fine and good and nothing bad could happen now.

He was just overthinking, like always,

Everything was okay.

Still, even when he was sure it was completely stupid and irrational no matter how much he tried to reason it away now that there was a person there, a person seeing him, no matter how much he fought it his heart squeezed and his breathing stuttered and everything wasn’t okay, he could barely hold back the up-and-coming sobs and everything still hurt.

And suddenly no matter how hard he tried he was sobbing again.

And he didn’t know why.

A person he cared for was right there but for some reason, it didn’t make it better, it actually made it worse.

Because now someone could see him.

He thought it would make everything better, a distraction if nothing else, but instead, his head still hurt and so did everything else and he just felt ashamed along with everything. and he still couldn’t stop the hot tears from falling or stop himself from hyperventilating.

And before Janus could even respond to the new development of him bawling, Remus rushed to do his best to hug him, which to be fair was a pretty poor attempt as he could only manage to lean on his shoulder and bury his face in his neck.

He couldn’t be mad if he couldn’t see his face after all.

…And Remus might as well savor any affection he was given and could handle especially if he was soon to be hated, even if his mustache— that at this point he kept out of pure spite — felt weird pressing back into his skin, Selfishness, and planes and- stuff…

He didn’t know, he hadn't watched the whole event go down, he had heard Patton turned into a buff frog though, so that was funny.

Vaguely he could feel Janus grab his hand, providing a soft steadying pressure, and he felt surprised, like always, at how warm Janus was. and much more vaguely he could hear the numbers being counted in an attempt to help, though he doubted it would, everything hurt, and if Remus couldn’t fix it he doubted Janus could.

No matter how great at it he was.

God Remus hated this.

Everything hurt and everything was terrifying and no matter what he did Janus and everyone else would hate him in the end.

Everything could only end badly. and he didn’t feel like himself anymore and he didn’t know what he could do and he hated being so damn terrified all the time.

No matter how much the others hated it, he loved the needlessly gory films that were weirdly good and looked realistic and made even normally tolerant-of-blood people queasy. He loved the odd flavors of deodorant that he often snacked on. And he loved experimenting, even if it did occasionally make the kitchen a ‘food safety hazard’, and he loved the dark gruesome tales behind the fairytales and he loved so much more .

He loved being unabashedly him.

But if he continued liking being that way everyone would hate him, and if he changed they would probably pity him and hate him, and even then he would hate having to change.

He hated change.

He was good at dealing with it, but he wasn’t good at doing it, and he did not like it.

It always heightened his intrusive thoughts for at least a couple of weeks, sometimes getting nightmares too, though even if that didn’t happen it still always made him extremely uneasy, and having to cope with someone he liked being there one day and then just not the next always made him feel awful , and it made his internal organs feel like they had weights attached to them, painful and heavy.

And sometimes the change was a numbed bad, a bad he just had to walk through and be done with it, but sometimes the bad made him feel numb.

When Virgil left, after the anger and desperation subsided he had Just felt numb for weeks, the beginning of the yelling was the only thing that really snapped him out of it, and even then at first he was super apathetic to it.

Change always just led to bad things, it always ended up with him feeling awful and always ended with someone else hating him.

Meeting Janus and Virgil and Roman leaving him all alone, revealing himself to Thomas and Virgil being completely disgusted by him, just being near Thomas and Logan telling him in the bluntest and most brutal terms that no one liked intrusive thoughts but people had them and then proceeding to tear him down and tell him that he shouldn’t exist—

and he had a full list of more examples.

Change led to bad. Change led to hurt.

And he didn’t know what would happen when he came out of the closet- surprise gay and mentally unstable!— but he knew it would be change.

Really, no matter the options there were only a couple of ways it could go, Janus could stand by him: and that could lead to him not joining the lights. Or joining the lights but still coming down every now and then before completely forgetting about him. Or he could try and not be allowed to join the lights, which could lead to two more options; him questioning why he ever gave Remus the time of day and beginning to hate him. or being left absolutely devastated and nothing Remus could do would be able to help.

And then there was what would happen if when Janus stepped out of the closet with him he didn’t stand by him, telling them exactly how fragile— like previously distressed glass— he was, or telling them he would be too tired to have to deal with him for a long while and leaving, or so many more options.

Either way, no matter where it went, no matter which direction it went or option happened, it would be change.

So nothing actually good could result.

Honestly, he would be lucky if they just forgot about him.

Because that he could work with, if he was forgotten he could explore the common room freely at night, and would easily be able to get food when he was there. and he would be able to plot out more hiding spots that were even more readily available and safe, for if Wrath was ever in one of his worse moods and started trying to look for him.

and they had a lot of hiding spots in the common room, he had never mapped them out properly, but just from being in there for a couple of hours every now and then he could tell, they had several closets and pantries, and had a really big and comfortable space between the couch and wall which they never checked nor cleaned besides the maybe-monthly vacuuming.

And then there were the cupboards and the laundry room which had so many more hiding spots as well; behind the washer and dryer, under the table that was permanently covered in a blanket, and so many more.

Even when Remus altered it to have as many hiding spots as possible the darkscape didn’t have nearly as many.

yeah, honestly if he was forgotten he doesn’t think he would be really upset, he could hide behind the couch or in the blanket closet, doing whatever he wanted quietly during wrath’s moods and they’d never know and he could just listen to them be happy, that’s all he really needed, if Janus was happy he could find a way to be happy, Janus had done so much for him, Remus could make some compromise—

“..mus can you hear me? Remus stay with me, hun—“

Remus jolted— he’d forgotten about him, again , he really needed to start paying more attention.

Seriously no wonder they would end up hating him, he couldn’t even focus on anything .

He was surprised it hadn’t come to pass long before now, he was useless and awful—

“Remus, sweetheart, what’s happening in that brain of yours? Do you need me to stop touching you?”

Remus blinked, completely complexed that he was still more concerned than mad, but still he shook his head immediately, and if nothing else provided any comfort at least he was pretty sure he ran out of tears to cry in Janus’s collar by now, which was good because he was pretty sure just the idea of Janus still caring would make him bawl, though he didn’t want to test that theory.

Janus nodded, continuing to hold onto him, his presence grounding him, not as much as Remus would like but still a significant amount. “Remus, I know it’s hard but can we run through breathing exercises? I think it’ll help.”

Remus paused, his thoughts slowing down enough to realize that while yes he wasn't sobbing with those gross sticky warm tears anymore he was still hyperventilating.

And it frustrated him beyond belief, why couldn’t he just breathe, it’d probably been fifteen maybe even a half-hour— god he hoped not— and he still wasn’t breathing when he should be, he was taking up time, and he had no reason to be.

Did his body hate him too?

He could play that game- clone himself and do a grand royale in the imagination it would be so fun.

He took a deep breath, before tiredly nodding once again at Janus.

Janus smiled tenderly before beginning the exercise, keeping his voice level and constant “breathe In for 4. 1, 2, 3… 4…”

“Hold for 7.. 1, 2..”

“Exhale for 8...”

And he didn’t know if it was more frustrating or not that it helped, he couldn’t even pay attention to it earlier let alone do it.

But now it helped .

It still took more than several tries for him to be able to even partially follow it, but slowly and surely it helped, his breathing slowly becoming normal and constant for a little while before they had to start over completely as he started overthinking, but then they began again.

And slowly but surely, he was able to breathe without his lungs feeling like they were put through a cheese grater,

Well, it still felt like it was put through a cheese grater but now it was like a really dull cheese grater so it didn’t do much damage to anything except for his hands- though that didn’t really work in the literal sense here- it could though— what if every time you couldn’t breathe your hands got bruised and scraped up? That would suck.

Still, he felt better,

And worse.

Now that he could think he was just absolutely exhausted but he knew from experience he wouldn’t be able to go to sleep, he frequently had trouble with sleeping when intrusive thoughts were at a high and he knew even if he was able to somehow sleep it wouldn't be in any way restful as it would no doubt be plagued with nightmares even he hated.

Because he still knew absolutely nothing.

He didn’t know what would happen from now on, he didn't know if everyone hated him, he didn’t know where the light sides went, he didn’t know if Janus would hate him tomorrow, he didn’t know if they had enough reason to kick him into the subconscious for him to slowly and painfully disappear, he didn’t know anything.

And that would only fuel the fire of so many more nightmares than he wanted to deal with.

It was worse because now he could think.

He wished this whole thing had waited a week, he had already had a pretty sucky week and hadn’t been having any good actually restful sleep, and now he probably wouldn’t be able to sleep at all for a couple of days at least .

After a moment or so passed of Remus not needing the breathing exercise, Janus stopped with the counting, instead wrapping a careful arm around his shoulder.

“What’s going to happen now?” Remus asked.

He was just so tired and at this point, he didn’t care if it ‘speeded up’ the process somehow he needed to know.

And this time it was Janus’s turn to pause, Remus watched as Janus processed the words, before slowly thinking over a response, probably chewing on several ideas of what to say.

But eventually, he had an answer “I can’t say exactly, I wish I could, I really do. But the light sides— Patton, Logan, Virgil, even Roman , were all really concerned when you left, hell they even followed me into the room, before I found you and decided to kick them out for the moment.” He chuckled to himself a little bit before continuing “honestly, Remus, I think it may be possible to move your room to the mind palace,” he took a breath “they were all so protective the moment you left, even Virgil, and Logan. of course we'll all need to discuss it and everything else together but, Remus, one thing I can assure you, it won’t end badly. I promise. ”

Remus slowly processed his words, going over them several times in his head.

And he trusted Janus, he did, but them being concerned let alone protective as he’d described sounded wrong.

Maybe Patton would be concerned but even that was more ‘dad instinct’ as he's described it than actually caring about him, he was only concerned over the ‘poor distressed side’ not Remus.

But Logan? He irritated him at best, and at worst Logan hated him. Virgil? For him, all he was was a reminder of what he was ashamed of ever being, as well as on top of that he was just annoying and loud and Virgil hated him for it. And Roman, well he said it best, he was like looking into a funhouse mirror but instead of a giant head or something else funny Remus was everything he never wanted to be.

He wasn’t wanted in the first place, so to say that they had been actively concerned and protective just didn’t make sense, he didn’t even understand why Janus cared enough to be concerned, he had long since had so many reasons to detest him yet he didn’t.

“I know, I was not at all surprised either, but it’s true, Virgil was practically growling at me before I explained— don’t worry I didn’t go into depth with the explanation by any means— that's your decision. But still, just from their body language alone, I could tell they cared a great deal” he smiled in the same soft way he always did when talking to Remus.

And Remus was about to argue that because either Janus was lying for some reason or there was something hidden just beyond his view he couldn’t even think of.

But before a word even left his lips Janus interrupted him.

“And if you don’t believe me I can go get them again, they’ll be more than happy to be able to see you I promise, I think they may care for you far more than you know,” and far more than they know either.

Remus hesitated, staying quiet for a couple of moments unknowingly what to say.

Before he could even think a small “are you sure?” Left his lips and he immediately cringed.

Janus exhaled sharply “ Remus - yeah, I’m sure.”

Remus quieted again, hating the fact that even though he had no reason not to, he didn’t trust that, didn’t trust that they all really cared, didn’t trust that they would have the patience for him, didn’t trust that they wanted him.

And he didn’t know what would help, he hated this.

He hated the constant uncertainty and the constant mistrust for no good reason-

He took a breath, “..do you think we’d be able to talk to the light sides?- I mean I don’t want to talk to them about him, or other things like that but I-“

Janus cut him off delicately, “you want to see it with your own eyes?” Remus nodded wordlessly so he continued “what about I see if we can have a movie night?” He asked, before explaining “that way you can rest after this exhausting ordeal and no conversation will be forced or awkward and maybe you can see what I mean about them caring?”

That sounded like a better idea than whatever he could come up with, still, he figuratively chewed on the idea for a moment before deciding yeah, that sounded good.

Honestly, he didn’t think he had much conversation in him anyway.

“That sounds good , ” he told him, looking down a little.

Janus huffed a small laugh before smiling, “I’m glad,”

And then they had a semblance of a plan, and even just that somehow made everything feel a little less constricting.

Janus took a deep breath before he spoke again, this time much more careful and soft, “Remus, for that, do you think I’d be able to slip away for a couple of minutes to ask them if this plan would be alright and so they could set the movie up? I’d be back soon, I promise.”

Remus paused,

Was he alright with being left alone? Even for just a couple of minutes? It was absolutely pathetic that he even needed to consider it but he did—

He took a breath, it didn’t really matter what his answer was, even if his answer he knew he needed to say was no, because Janus needed to do this and it was a whole lot harder for him if he needed to find a workaround, and he didn’t really want to have to hide behind Janus as he talked to them.

Now that would be pathetic.

“Yeah, go ahead Double-Dee! I’ll be fine!” He responded chipperly, and honestly even if it was closer to his normal whole thing, it felt weird in this conversation, off, out of place.

Still besides checking him over Janus accepted the answer, simply going “..alright, summon me if you need anything,” before slowly opening the door again and ow, Remus’s eyes, they burn.

Stupid light.

As he got out of the small closet he could vaguely see Janus still double-checking him before looking away and to the closet door “do you want me to close it again or leave it open?”

He honestly kind of wished it got closed again- even excluding the violent assault on his eyes, he didn’t like it being open, it made him feel like he was vulnerable.

But no one would come in except Janus.

Wrath wouldn’t come in.

Even if he felt on edge the whole time alone he needed to get out of the stupid closet.

“Leave it open I’ll get out in a minute” he grumbled.

Janus nodded, and then with a swift click of the door closing before Remus could even blink, Janus was suddenly gone.

Remus hummed to himself, before sighing, now he’d said he would get out so he would have to, but it was cold, and the closet was so comfortable— it had to be with how often he put down more and more blankets on the floor to practically form a soft warm nest—

Stupid speaking and having to move he liked being in the closet- hah that’s what Patton said, but now he had to move.

And sure he was pretty sure- well as sure as he always was, which was about 60%, that he was safe in the big open room even when he couldn’t lock the door, but still .

————

“Hey, rem? I’m back- oh” Janus had to keep himself from laughing as he continued watching Remus just lay face down on the floor less than a foot away from the closet, motionless.

He heard the garbled grumbling and couldn’t keep himself from smiling as he amusedly approached him, waiting for him to move or acknowledge him in any way instead of just grumbling, but he didn’t, so Janus, as Remus’s closest friend who was tasked with cheering him up, was completely warranted as he poked Remus right in the side with his toes.

Which did garner a response.

“You bitch don’t touch me with your cold ass toes!” He screeched, jolting away and reaching for his side protectively.

Janus couldn’t stop himself from laughing then before crouching next to him “you feeling better?”

Remus pouted very exaggeratedly, which was a good sign. before sighing and shrugging “a little? I mean I don’t feel like I just got shrapnel propelled directly into all my organs and like I’m drowning in my blood so that’s a plus!” He grinned, a little weakly, and Janus just nodded understandingly, before Remus continued, a little desperately to change the topic “so what did the light-o’s think about your plan? Did they like it? Did they hate it? Are they going to put human guts into the popcorn like a smoothie?”

Janus huffed a laugh “they did like it, they’re actually setting everything up right now, though I doubt they’ll have human gut popcorn- wait what do you mean like a smoothie- wait, actually I prefer not knowing. But we’ll probably be collected in ten minutes or so.”

Remus nodded, “okay, and buzzkill, it was messy,” he said with a grin, though both of them knew very well he hadn’t done anything with the blender, or with anything else, that would make a mess, which was definitely for the best as Janus hadn’t decided which made the least sense and was therefore what Remus meant: Remus blending both popcorn and the guts together into a smoothie or just the guts and adding it like a syrup.

Janus did not care to think about that more however.

Still, he laughed and rolled his eyes lightheartedly “oh really?”

———-

Remus hadn’t known exactly what he’d pictured with the movie night.

Of course, he’d known someone would come get them, and then they would watch a movie or two but beyond that, he had been kinda lost on what to expect.

Which is why he hadn’t expected everybody but Logan— and even that according to them was more to make sure the popcorn didn’t burn than anything else— to be there when he and Janus opened the door.

And why he hadn’t expected stepping out of his room only for Roman to immediately explain something that Remus hadn’t paid attention to before apologizing and practically clinging to him for a solid minute.

And then before he could even process that he had been swept up as they rushed him to the living room before being sat down quickly on the middle of the couch.

Like all of them didn’t even care that they might touch him.

And before they even had the chance Janus sat on his left side which got some laughter out of him, seeing Virgil's startled face was hilarious,

But then before he could truly treasure the look he was gone as he went to do.. something.

Pretty much every one of them went to do something actually, Patton had switched duties with Logan, leaving him to probably do some blood sacrifice-y thing in the kitchen while Logan had been double-checking the TVs queue to make sure it was alright, and Virgil did whatever while Roman moved to the kitchen to also help with the food.

And he just sat there watching and listening to it all happen around him, still completely unsure why their perception of him wasn’t continuing to be completely abhorrent but internally taking just the slightest bit of solace in it.

Not that he’d admit to it.

But even that didn’t last as Virgil came back, arms full of blankets that Logan quickly helped him set down, and it was practically timed as just as they set them down Roman and Patton came back with several bowls of what he assumed to be popcorn and various other movie snacks.

Patton flashed him a quick smile as he set his two bowls down before they all swiftly got settled- Remus having to resist the impulse to lay down and take up the whole couch just before they sat down.

And soon enough they started the movie, Roman and Virgil specifically being as close as they could to Remus, though the others weren’t keeping their distance by any means, Patton was situated on the floor by his feet, and Logan was even away from his little corner.

Honestly, their presences and the soft and casual bumps and touch’s made his skin burn, and it made him want to squirm in place especially as the movie started- first Beetlejuice since he really liked it and he suspected Janus told them just that, and the others could handle it, so it was a win-win. Then he’d seen that later they would rewatch Encanto, which to be fair he had no qualms with, he connected with Bruno significantly more than he ‘should’ and he appreciated his dedication to the green rat-man lifestyle- which funnily enough connected with Beetlejuice too.

Still, he couldn’t find himself disliking the contact, much as it felt like it burned it was also almost comforting?

———

Remus didn’t know what movie they were on by now he’d stopped paying attention right after Encanto, and he knew they put on one after it, but that was pretty much all he knew as the adrenaline from people being around drained and left him remembering how tired he was.

Again.

It was annoying really.

Especially as he caught himself yawning, and his eyelids feeling heavy and he felt like if he closed his eyes even for a moment to rest them he might fall asleep.

So in an attempt to focus on something he looked around carefully at the others, who for the most part looked like they were either already completely passed out or like they were pretty close to it, the only exception being Patton who was either in the kitchen or went to sleep in his own room, and Janus.

He hummed before a question entered his mind that he knew would plague him if he didn't get an answer, so after a moment of pointless deliberation he looked over to the deceitful trait, “..Janus why were the light sides being all weird and nice before now?”

Janus looked over a little startled by the actual words before muddledly thinking it over, looking like maybe he was a little tired too, “because they care for you, and they finally learned to better than to not show it?” He said, his voice coming out in the normal soft and honeyed, but it was soaked in confusion.

Remus hummed.

“Huh,”

Was he sure?

Because that means it at least mostly wasn’t pity.

And that didn’t make sense because even Janus liking him was an improbable one-off, so the chances that they all liked him and showed it before they even had a reason to pity him was completely mindboggling.

“Why did you come find me?”

Remus didn’t know if he was seeing things but Janus looked a little sad at that, which was weird because it was a simple question, and Janus didn’t need to look for him, so why would he?

“Because I care about you,”

“ Oh, ” he said, stunned for a second before quickly going “Losers,” and giggling to himself in the way only a delirious person could. Though to be fair, he did find himself hilarious.

And laughing made it easier to keep the fact that he thinks maybe- just maybe, he might care for them all too, to himself.

Janus chuckled before pulling him closer, And Remus contently went along with it, still thinking more about the answers despite himself.

Could they actually care? Could that have truly been the reason?

Did he seriously have a panic attack because he wasn’t used to them caring?

That would be really embarrassing if he did, which he didn't care significantly a lot about- unless the others brought it up, then he'd care a lot.

Actually, he didn't know if he preferred that being the reason or not …he didn’t know if he could deal with them caring.

Even if it was stupid if that was the reason he had that whole big icky disgusting awful panic attack …he kind of hoped they cared.

He might feel a little bad for thinking badly of Patton early on but still.. he hoped that truly was the reason.

“...Promise everything will be okay tomorrow?” He asked quietly before he could really stop himself. trying his best not to close his eyes no matter how heavy they got so he wouldn’t fall asleep.

It wasn’t working by any means but he was trying.

“...I promise Remus…” Janus said softly.

And he should be an audiobook person with the way his voice was just so comforting, almost instantly making him feel soft and safe, until he just couldn't fight it anymore.

So he clings closer, sagging his weight into him as he slowly blinked, his vision darkening.

And as he finally falls asleep, into a surprisingly dreamless sleep. He doesn’t notice Patton coming back from the kitchen, having heard the whole thing.

He doesn’t see the way his features twist in grief and shoved-down-affection at how thick his last question was with vulnerability or how genuinely surprised he was that they cared for him.

He doesn’t see Patton very carefully move the hair out of his eyes nor Janus and him just looking at each other in understanding before Patton went off to make sure everyone had a blanket and remained warm while they slept.

26 notes · View notes

daised-daisy · 3 years

Text

Stay Instead

Ships: Logince, almost Roceit

Summary: After Logan had enough and moved to the “dark” side, Roman is devastated and can’t do anything but miss him. Then finally as he’s starting to move on, a special someone pays him a visit.

Word Count: 2,506

Warnings: Yelling, Roman gets very angry

It was a regular night, and Roman hated that. He hated that Logan being gone and Janus being there was suddenly normal. He hated seeing Janus sitting in Logan’s spot on the couch like it had been his all along. Roman sat at the other end of the couch, his constant glaring going unnoticed by its target. Virgil sat closest to Roman, but a bit of space stayed between them. He laid sideways with his legs bent. He was listening to music on his headphones while scrolling on his phone. After Virgil sat Patton, who worked on a cross-stitching project he’d started a while ago, but never got around to finishing. Logan usually read a book, but Janus read magazines. Logan held his books in one hand, his elbow resting on the arm of the couch. Janus usually held the magazine up in front of his face, but today he had it in his lap. Roman scoffed. He was going to get a cramp in his neck. He opened his mouth to tell him that in an all but helpful tone but froze when he realized something else was slightly different about Janus.

He was wearing glasses. Glasses that looked just like Logan’s.

Roman filled with rage and sadness as the sight tugged at his already aching heart. Tears threatened to spill, and his mouth curled into a scowl, his brows knitted together. He stood up, grabbing Virgil’s attention.

“Ro? What are you doing?” he asked.

“You can’t replace him! You’ll never replace him!” Roman shouted, ignoring Virgil and gaining the attention of the other two. He launched himself at Janus, snatching his glasses off his face and holding them tightly to his chest, tears streaming down his cheeks. “You’re not him! You can’t pretend to be him!” He sunk onto his knees.

“Roman!” Patton scolded, standing up. Janus held up his hand to Patton and looked at Roman as he continued to mumble weak insults about how Janus could never be like Logan. Patton hesitantly sat back, watching Janus and Roman closely.

“Roman, would you like me to sit in a different spot?” he asked, his voice gentle. Roman was familiar with Janus’s smooth tone. It was what he used when manipulating him. But this tone sounded different. It sounded genuine, though Roman was still hesitant to believe it actually was. He hiccuped and nodded nonetheless. Janus stood up, then kneeled down in front of the sobbing prince. Roman clutched Janus’s glasses tighter to his chest, keeping his eyes squeezed shut. Janus took off his glove and brought a hand up to his cheek. When Roman felt Janus’s skin against his cheek, he opened his eyes, letting the darkness give way to Janus’s warm smile. “Would it be okay if I sat next to you instead?” Roman hesitated before nodding again.

Janus slowly stood up, his hand leaving Roman’s cheek. Roman immediately missed his touch, which he didn’t expect. But Janus kept his hand held out. Roman looked at it unsurely. He reluctantly let go of the glasses with one hand and took Janus’s, letting him pull him up. Roman looked at the glasses in his other hand and held them out to Janus.

“I’m sorry,” he whimpered.

“I can’t say it’s okay, but I understand, and I forgive you,” Janus told him softly, then smirked. “Besides, I deserved it a little bit.” Roman giggled and wiped the tears off his cheek with his sleeve. “Also, if the glasses upset you that much, I won’t wear them. I can fashion up another pair that look less like… his.”

“Thank you,” Roman said. Janus nodded and led Roman back over to the other side of the couch, sitting down first to allow Roman to decide how much distance he wanted between them. Roman chose none, sitting right next to Janus and leaning into his side. Janus happily welcomed this, putting his arm around Roman. The prince closed his eyes and finally relaxed for the first time since Logan had left.

Patton smiled proudly and gratefully at Janus, who returned one as well. Virgil rolled his eyes but couldn’t hold back a small grin of his own as he turned back to his phone. Logan, on the other hand, wasn’t smiling. His face remained neutral as he watched from the shadows. He closed his eyes and inhaled deeply to keep himself calm as he sunk out back into the dark side of the mind.

“I want to start tonight,” he said as he rose up in the dark side living room. Remus stopped shaking salt and pepper into each eye and looked at him.

“But I’m in the middle of an experiment,” Remus whined. Logan glanced at him and sighed.

“I already told you, Remus. Both salt and pepper will irritate your eyes,” Logan said. “And this setup is a disaster anyway. If you want proper results you’d need to have a equal amount of salt and pepper, but you’re barely even estimating it. It won’t yield proper results.”

“Fine,” Remus groaned, setting down the salt and pepper shaker, then standing up and waving Logan over. “Let’s get to the imagination.”

~ one week later ~

“Goodnight, Janus,” Roman said as they stood in front of Roman’s door, staring into each other’s eyes. “Thanks for sitting with me again. You make me feel a lot less lonely.” Janus smiled down at him lovingly.

“I’d do anything to make up for before, my prince,” he said his eyes briefly flickering to Roman’s lips. “Just don’t ask me to give you the most beautiful thing in the world because I don’t know how to give you to yourself.” He put a hand to Roman’s cheek, holding it gently. Roman giggled softly, a blush sprinkling his face.

“You’re so sweet,” Roman said, stepping closer. “Let me thank you.” Janus nodded, and Roman grabbed his face, stood up on his tiptoes and leaned in to kiss him. Janus’s heart sped up, fluttering as Roman got closer. He let his eyes fall closed and waited for their lips to meet.

“Roman.”

Roman froze in place, his eyes shooting open when he heard that familiar voice he’d been missing so much. He let go of Janus’s face, much to Janus’s dismay, and spun around to face the source, almost letting out a sob when he saw Logan standing behind him. Janus scowled.

“What are you doing here?” he asked, his voice seething with almost disgust for the former light side.

“I came to speak with Roman,” Logan said, his eyes flickering between Roman and Janus. “Alone.” Roman looked back at Janus pleadingly. Janus scoffed but walked off anyway.

“Logan,” Roman breathed once they were alone in the hallway. He stepped closer and placed his hands on Logan’s chest, partially afraid his hands might go right through him and he’d find it was only an illusion. “Oh my god. It’s really you.” He laughed. “It’s you!” Logan froze when Roman flung his arms around him.

“Roman, I… there’s something I want you to see,” Logan said stiffly. Roman stepped back.

“What is it?” he asked. Logan bit his lip and hesitantly grabbed Roman’s hand, then let go again uncertainly.

“M-may I?” he asked. Roman nodded, holding his hand out to Logan. Logan took it again, feeling Roman’s slim delicate fingers, perfect for creating intricate crafts as Roman often did, rest against his palm and holding Roman’s hand with his own thicker, rougher fingers that hadn’t seen as many lotions and creams as Roman’s had. With his other hand, Logan turned Roman’s doorknob.

“Where are we going?” Roman ask with a raised brow as Logan pulled him into his own room.

“The imagination,” Logan answered, opening Roman’s portal and stepping inside. Roman followed curiously, still gripping Logan’s hand tight. “Look, I never know how to say this, so I’m going to show you instead.”

“Show me what?” Roman asked, then gasped softly as they came upon a candle-lit table under a pink canopy surrounded by rose bushes. Remus stood beside it with a proud smile, gesturing at it with his hands. He then bowed and slowly walked backwards away from it. “What is this?”

“I asked Remus to help me create it,” Logan said. “But it was my idea.”

“It’s lovely,” Roman said, continuing towards it. He knelt beside one of the rose bushes and admired its flowers. While he was looking away, Remus snuck back in beside Logan and changed his clothing to a dark blue suit, which Logan hadn’t expected. Before he could comment on it, Remus rushed over to his brother and sneakily changed his clothing to a cute red dress that he knew Roman liked.

He didn’t even notice the change until he stood up and felt a slight breeze against his bare legs. He looked down and his eyes widened, but his surprised expression quickly melted into a smile and he spun around, the skirt of his dress twirling around him.

He looked up at Logan, his face heating up at the sight of Logan in his suit. He was so used to Logan being a nerdy mess all of the time, seeing him so together like this was… different. But a good different!

“You look very handsome,” Roman said, suddenly not so proud of his own outfit, doubting he looked as good in it as Logan did in his. Logan walked up to Roman and immediately smothered those doubts.

“You look… incredible,” he said in a soft tone of almost disbelief. “Gorgeous, I mean! No, amazing!” He laughed. “I can’t decide which word fits you best.” Roman giggled, his face heating up even more. Not just from the compliment. Hearing Logan laughed so freely made his heart flutter. He rarely heard it before and it was so beautiful.

“Thank you,” he said. “For all of this. It’s wonderful.”

“Don’t thank me yet. The evening has just begun,” Logan said, taking Roman’s hand and leading him over to the table. He pulled out a chair for him and he sat down. Then Logan sat himself in the other seat across the small table.

“Baguette! Baguette! French words!” Remus’s voice came as he swooped in again, this time donning a chef’s uniform. Roman already felt like throwing up. Nothing Remus made could be edible or safe.

But to his surprise, Remus set down a simple peanut butter and jelly sandwich in front of Roman, and it looked like actual peanut butter and jelly. And it smelled like actual peanut butter and… Crofters!”

“Bone apple tea!” Remus said. Roman giggled as he watched his brother strut away. He looked back at Logan with a bright smile. Logan’s heart fluttered at the sight. He’d missed seeing Roman happy. He hardly saw him at all since he left the light sides and even when he occasionally lurked in the living room shadows to watch him and the others, Roman was always frowning.

“What are you staring at?” Roman asked. Logan blinked a few times and sat up from where he was leaning over with his chin held up by the back of his hands and his elbows on the table. Roman was still smiling, but now a blush accompanied it, making him all the more cuter.

“I... Looking at your smile makes me feel… happy!” Logan said, proud of himself for admitting his emotions. “A-and warm! On the inside, I mean.”

“Logan, you’re… acting different,” Roman noted, his brows coming together. He picked up his sandwich and took a bite.

“Different? Does that displease you? I can revert back to my original—“

“No, no! It’s a good different!” Roman assured him, and Logan relaxed, picking up his sandwich and starting to eat as well. “I like this Logan.”

“You like me?” Logan repeated, a grin growing on his face. He set the sandwich down. “I make you feel happiness?”

“More than that,” Roman admitted.

“And how does… Janus make you feel?” Logan’s lips curled into a scowl at just the thought of him and Roman together like earlier.

Roman sighed. “Conflicted. Confused. Unsure.” He frowned. “Bad.”

“Then why did you almost—”

“I don’t know!” Roman suddenly sobbed, putting his head in his hands. “Because I missed you and I wanted to pretend he could make up for you being gone but he can’t!”

“Oh no, please do not cry! I will make it better; just tell me how,” Logan promised, standing up. Roman looked up at him with tears in his eyes. He sniffed and wiped his cheeks with his wrist.

“Just…” he began, his voice shaking. “Come back to me.” Logan gazed down at Roman sadly and shook his head. Roman let out another sob, holding himself and hunching over. Logan quickly fell onto his knees in front of Roman and held his face in his hands, but Roman shoved him away and stood up. He started to run.

“Roman!” Logan called out after him. Remus popped back in.

“What did you do, dumb butt?” he asked.

“I don’t know,” Logan said. “I just told him I wasn’t going back to the others.”

“He probably thinks that means you don’t want to be with him either, you idiot!” Remus scolded, shoving him towards where Roman ran off. “Go after him!” Logan started running. He caught up to Roman and grabbed his waist, pulling him back against him.

“Stay with me,” he whispered into his ear. Roman stopped and looked at him. He repeated. “Stay with me, Roman.”

“You mean… be a dark side?” Roman asked.

“There are no dark sides or light sides, Roman,” Logan said. “The only difference will be where you stay. They don’t listen to you anyway. Please, be with me.”

“I… I want to, but…” he began, though he couldn’t find the words to follow. He had no but. No reason to stay. He nodded and lunged forward, smashing their lips together. Logan held on tight to him.

“You’re mine. All mine,” Logan mumbled against his lips. He pulled back and smiled. “I love you, Roman. And I’m not ashamed of it anymore.” Roman smiled back at him.

“I love you too, Logan,” he said. “And I’m proud of you for letting yourself feel things. I’m so proud of you.” He wiped his eyes. “Oh god I’ve missed you. I can’t wait to listen to one of your informational rants or even just hear you scold me for being dumb.” He laughed a little.

“You want to hear my rants?” Logan asked. “But I’ve been practicing keeping them in so I wouldn’t annoy you if you agreed to stay with me.” Roman’s heart sunk.

“Oh Logan…” he began. “Of course I do. I love you so much. I love hearing you talk and watching you get excited about what you’re talking about.” He glanced up at the sky and smiled. “Come on. Let’s not waste any time.” He sat down, pulling Logan down with him, and pointed at the sky.

“Tell me about the stars, my love.”

#logince #roman sanders #logan sanders #sanders sides #daisy writing #dark side logan

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quietrainfan · 3 years

Text

Hey! Anyone want some heavy platonic Loceit angsty headcanons I've extracted from the new episode? Well, too bad because it's happening regardless. :)

Yes, also some Unsympathetic Patton. You know what blog you're on. (This interpretation/headcanon shall not die. Not here.)

(Also, this is going to combine my observations and thoughts as well, so sorry in advance if this post turns out as a bit of a mess.)

Alright, so! Orange Side confirmation. How we feelin', Sanders Sides fandom, how we feelin'?

Honestly, the Orange Side theory wasn't something I was really all that into. It was a 'meh, could be cool' headcanon for me personally. But I have to say the way the reveal was handled made me jump in my seat with pure joy. No joke, I audibly gasped when Logan's eyes flashed orange.

It was all downhill from there, I was excited. Anyone who knows me will tell you I'm a sucker for character's eyes glowing when they've reached their limit or are displaying a power they've never shown before, combine that with an unexpected reveal and I'm sold.

Plus, glowing eyes have been a common theme with Unsympathetic content and Dark Side headcanons so you could imagine how the first peak into the Orange Side's existence (or, rather confirmation. we all saw the 'hello' hint, Orange, you cheeky little munchkin.) was his color in Logan's eyes made me feel. It was so cool!!! Ah!

Then Thomas had to tease us again at the end card with our boy Orange's eyes popping up in the darkness, waiting for his chance to be too loud to ignore. Like, the audacity. Who do you think you are, Thomas?! (That was a joke. Sorry, I'm just really pumped.)

Also, Remus got quite a few laughs out of me. Ah, I missed him.

Okay, headcanon time! We're going to do Logan first, then Janus, then combine the two. Sound good? Alright, here we go (Trigger Warning for discussions of alcoholism, please if anything I write here sounds insensitive or inaccurate, let me know and I will edit. Also, no need to read if you don't want to. Stay safe.) :

Logan

Logan knew where to grab for that alcohol bottle.

I mean, I guess that makes sense since he lives there and is naturally the most observant Side. But...that bottle's placement was a little too convenient.

Sure it was played up as a joke and it was funny.

But something about the way Logan threw his coffee into the sink and quickly replaced it with the wine stuck out to me.

I've joked about Logan and/or Janus having to "drink to cope" due to sharing the single brain cell Thomas has amongst all the chaos. But seeing that in an actual episode, even as a gag, is kind of...different.

Let me explain.

This may be a common thing for Logan that he struggles with.

He wakes up early to be the first one to help Thomas start the day, naturally. Logan goes to make his cup of coffee and there's always the lingering urge to take a sip of wine before anyone can see because he just...can't face everyone without needing just a little bit of it to cloud out all the gross, petty, negative feelings he experiences every day around them.

He's logic. He can't be drinking and risk any more harm to Thomas's function.

So, it's a constant battle with coffee vs wine, coffee vs wine, coffee vs wine-

Most of the time Logan is able to resist and go with the coffee.

It doesn't make him feel good in the slightest. If anything it makes him feel even worse knowing he'll be more alert that day.

Logan hates that was even a thought at all. He needs to be alert. Otherwise everything will fall apart. He is the rock in the system and without him everything will crumble.

Such a selfish mindset. He needed to focus.

Other days Logan just doesn't have it in him to discard the wine regardless of how much he wants to.

He knows what the day holds for him. It was all so repetitive at this point. Logan knew when he wasn't able to get through it despite it all.

That didn't stop him from shaming himself for caving. He should be able to handle this. He's made so much progress with resisting it up to this point but today he through it away again because he just had to, right?

Sometimes Logan finds himself "cheating" by hiding a couple drops of wine into his coffee on days when he chose the coffee but later felt particularly bad about...a lot of things, into his second cup.

Logan more often times chooses neither. The temptation for clouding out the others was just too strong and was a waste of time.

Logan is beyond tired of the others.

Every single action they have agitates him now. No matter how minor it is.

Roman's loud voice and constant references makes Logan's toes unconsciously curl beneath his shoes. Even a silent warm smile and wave from the prince fills Logan with an unpleasant tingle in his knuckles.

Virgil's neverending foreboding and unnecessary nasty remarks that he doesn't even bother to filter provokes Logan's new habit of biting his tongue. Any kindness he ever gives him makes his stomach twist.

Patton's nicknames, poking for for a laugh, his "sweet" way of shoving away any objection he may have, how casually he behaves as if he isn't part of any problems- how quickly he's prepared to "bounce back". Logan feels like every word, action from him something steps on a guitar cord in the back of his mind that makes the ugliest, loud, screeching sound. He feels this strange warm fuzzy ache he can't define. All he hears is that cord playing faster and faster the longer he stays in their presence. Logan no longer trusts himself alone with Patton.

Logan thinks if he just separates from the others long enough, the ugly strumming noise will go away.

But he's so wrong.

Logan can hear it even when he's all alone. When it's finally silent, he still can't get rid of it.

It's loudest when Logan is alone in his room. Logan has lost count of how many nights he's spent clenching his head, quietly sobbing, and praying for it to just go away already.

Logan often feels like he's losing it.

On nights where the sounds are particularly louder than usual, he swears he can see orange shadows creeping around him, lights of the color flashing on and off, he sometimes even sees it seeping in and out of the cracks of his door like a thick fog. At times he'll even wake to it glowing absurdly bright through his window.

It's just the sunrise. Logan tells himself. He has to believe that. Everything else looked normal, after all.

What's worse is Logan doesn't know how long he's been hearing this sound or seeing the strange lights.

Patton knows about Logan's late night and early morning struggles.

But surprise, surprise, he pretends as if he's nonthewiser.

If either Virgil or Roman asks about Logan, Patton will answer: "Oh, that silly billy's probably got his head in one of his astronomy books again! I wouldn't bother him right now."

Knowing full well he's having an emotional breakdown in his room that gets worse every day.

Knowing about the little sneaks of alcohol in his hot morning beverage. Might even speak about yummy drink combinations when they hang out in the living room, while Logan is present, specifically and even only on the days Patton knows he's cheating with his bad habit, while he's still drinking it.

The further Logan is to the edge, the better. Patton is still bitter about the events of Redux ending in his favor, after all. He needs leverage from somewhere.

When Thomas left to see Nico, Logan heard the cord again. His chest tightened and though he could feel the tears welling up, he kept them down.

Thomas hasn't been very happy lately. He had to let him have this.

No matter how loud those cords get.

Janus

I noticed that Janus was either unseen by the others or unacknowledged by them.

Janus was near all of them but far enough that he was separated.

He could've just popped up at the end without them noticing but...that's less angsty therefore less fun so-

Janus has been the instigator for bringing Sides that have been hidden away to be brought to light for a long time. If the assumption that Janus let Remus out is true.

He's always been hinting at upcoming events that are sure to come if Thomas continues to ignore certain aspects of himself.

He knows. He knows our Orange boy is getting worse and soon will be too loud to ignore. Janus wants to protect Thomas but that's becoming harder every day. Thomas is making it harder.

Janus will reveal the Orange Side eventually. And very soon. Hell, that's looking like less and less of a choice considering Logan's...outburst.

I think Janus has this painful awareness that he can be seriously hated for doing his job. After all, he's always the one who's forced them to acknowledge uncomfortable truths about Thomas.

He's the one giving them all of those hard pills to swallow and especially after Remus, it is definitely overwhelming and exhausting to be met with.

They question their roles more and more because of how used they are to the fixed mindset Thomas has had for such a long time.

That can't feel good.

Janus knows that his job may cause more hatred to fester the more that's revealed.

Janus is being kept at arms length and he knows that won't stop any time soon.

But he's a clever snake. That won't keep him from keeping an eye on Patton.

(Find it real suspicious that Patton was all mushy with Janus in that end card but still is at a big distance from him.)

Loceit

Janus will sometimes find Logan in the common room with his head in his arms, sprawled out against the coffee table. His glasses being discarded from half his face, unmistakable tears lazily dripping out of his lifeless eyes.

Janus would wordlessly go to the sink and grab a glass, filling it with water.

Janus goes over to Logan, giving him a gentle rub on the back. He urges him to sit up. It takes Logan a few minutes but eventually does.

Janus hands Logan the water, supporting the back of his neck as struggles to get it down, reminding him to take his time.

Janus takes his glasses and gently sets them on the table. He hands Logan some tissues.

Logan lifelessly takes them and tries to clean his face. But he always ends up crying into them.

Janus moves Logan unkempt bangs from his face before moving his head to his shoulder. Janus manifests a warm blanket over Logan and uses a bit of his abilities to soothe the shorter man's pain, tenderly putting pressure on his neck.

Janus and Logan have a talk. Logan always asks why he bothers to stop and comfort him.

"You've helped me through a lot, Logan. Not returning the favor is out of the question."

That was always his answer.

Janus and Logan do this often.

Janus opens up about sometimes needing a bit of a drink himself from time to time. Though mostly that consists of tea more often than not, he sometimes has a glass of wine or two to relax on days when it's particularly hard.

He feels ashamed of it. Janus has to be the strongest out of everyone, especially the Dark Sides. Allowing things to faze him was the worst case scenario. At least, to that degree.

But Janus understands that isn't his fault and urges Logan not to blame himself, either. While he hated that weakness he occasionally submitted to, he wasn't going to let the rare slip up to define the worth of his role.

Logan thinks that Janus really is the strongest out of all of them just for saying things like that and he's being too hard on himself.

On nights when things become too much Janus will sit with Logan and share a drink. They try to have as many conversations without wine as possible but sometimes Janus says "screw it" and sits with Logan with one or two drinks.

Just having Janus there helps Logan choose his coffee in the mornings and feel as if he's being heard even a little bit.

Now if only those cords could actually quiet down, that'd be even better.

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sidespromptblog · 3 years

Text

The Accident

Warning: Medical scene, mention of broken bones, blacking out (once mentioned), cast, and Logan angst.

Summary: While out on a date with Remus and Janus, Logan falls and hurts his wrist.

Word Count: 1,631

“Are you sure that it’s alright?” Janus asked suspiciously, as his cold fingers gingerly touched the tinder flesh of Logan’s wrist. His eyes were narrowed as if he was already on high alert to see if Logan was going to dare even lying about something like this.

“It looks a little swollen,” Remus helpfully added, circling around them like a wild hyena protecting his little pack, his eyes barely stood still long enough to even get a glimpse of Logan’s wrist.

But when he did, without a moment’s worth of hesitation…

He cringed every time.

That should have told Logan everything he needed to know about the situation. Remus wasn’t making jokes, and was well past being worried. Janus was using his literal body as a shield so that no one could even dare to get close, and there wasn’t the slightest bit of sarcasm coming from him. Logan should have been more worried about the state of his wrist, in his writing hand no less. But all he could feel was the sharp throbbing of where Janus’ grip was, and the occasional fleeting touch from where Remus would look over his shoulder and down at his injury.

Stupid.

He had been so stupid.

Of course there would still be patches of ice, even with the weather being over the standard freezing of thirty-two. The wind chill matched with it being later time of day should have made it obvious, he had been too careless. Too…

Stupid.

“Logan?” Remus’ worried voice struck up again, as he took up the position on his other shoulder. “You’re not going to black out again are you?”

Ah yes, that one moment of pitch darkness the moment his head had connected with the frozen sidewalk. He doubted that any of them wanted to recall that, especially given the way that Janus had screamed and he had come to being cradled in Remus’ arms like a limp noodle.

Swallowing thickly Logan attempted a smile. “It hurts,” He honestly said, because what was the point in lying with a human lie detector right in front of him. “But, I’m sure that once we return back to Thomas’ mind, the injury will go away. Just like they’ve done before in the imagination… right?”

An uncertain whine curled in Remus’ throat, like he was a dog that had been left chained outside on a rainy day.

That alone told Logan that even he wasn’t exactly sure just how much the imagination could and couldn’t cure.

“No.” Janus firmly shook his head, “If we don’t know then there’s no use in going back and just causing you more pain. We’ll…” Here Janus grimaced just a little bit, the scales in his face shifting into something more socially acceptable. “We’ll have to take you to the hospital for an X-ray…”

Two groans accompanied this declaration.

It was almost three hours later that Logan was able to see the doctor in question.

But by far the most annoying and anxiety inducing tribulation was the fact that he had to be separated from the other two sides when he needed to have the X-ray done. Which he had known going in, of course he had known it. But knowing it and actually having to do it we’re two entire different things. When it had come to him leaving the mind space, he had never been alone. Usually he’d had Thomas, or some of the other sides to accompany him on his days out and to be without them for some terrifying and quite painful procedure, was… scary.

He was scared, and also quite a bit embarrassed about the whole ordeal.

Sitting back in the doctor’s office with both Janus and Remus on either side of him waiting for whatever news was to come, made him feel both worse and better at the same time.

“I’m sorry.” He finally mumbled, a bolt of shame ramming itself into his guts.

A part of him wasn’t even sure what to be sorry for, but another part deep and loathing knew exactly what he was apologizing for.

Janus who had been staring ahead at the posters decorating the walls immediately snapped his attention back to Logan, his brows furrowing for a moment before an unreadable expression took over his face. It was an expression that both Remus and Logan knew all too well. “Sorry?” Janus asked, his voice carefully clipped. “For what might I ask.” Having just started he shifted his entire body to face Logan. “For having an accident? For slipping? For falling? For doing something that wasn’t your fault to begin with?”

Behind him Remus cringed back, they both knew what was coming.

“I ruined our day.” Logan tried to argue, trying being the key word there.

Just for Janus to immediately shake his head, his cold fingers seeking out Logan’s cheeks and cupping them carefully enough to avoid the scrapes on his face. The look on his face was adoring and yet exasperated at the same time, as his eyes watered but no tears seemed to fall in Logan’s presence.

“You,” Janus choked out, “Didn’t ruin anything. We can always have another day, hopefully with you being hurt a little less. It’s okay Logan… I promise. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

Behind him Remus dug his fingers into the fabric of Logan’s thick winter coat as he buries his face into the logical side’s neck. His bristly whiskers tickled as he merely held Logan in place, bestowing all the love he could possibly give to him.

A laugh then shook Remus’ middle, “Hopefully Thomas has insurance.” His muffled voice finally got out.

And just like that the other two sides were tearfully giggling, knowing that thanks to Virgil’s worrywart tendencies Thomas had the best possible medical insurance he could get. And whether Logan knew it or no, which he did, he was technically going to be committing insurance fraud simply by the fact that he looked so much like Thomas.

Almost another several hours later though, with a dark blue cast now seated on his hand and wrist with the instructions to come back in a months time it was time to go home.

“So,” Remus popped the word out of his mouth, as he took up the duty of spoon feeding Logan some ice cream before they actually had to go back. “What are you going to tell the others, you know… about the cast and everything?” There was a quick glance shared between him and Janus. “The truth?”

It took genuine effort to not snort in Remus’ face after swallowing his mouthful of ice cream, and by a lot of effort it obviously meant that he coughed right into the crook of his arm in an attempt to hide it.

“No.” Logan answered back almost immediately, “Are you kidding me?! Virgil would never let me leave the house again if I came back looking like this. Roman would more than a little bit blame you. Patton would go along with it, in an effort to keep me ‘out of harm’s way’, and Thomas would just be concerned.” He gestured with his newly casted arm, they all knew that if it was discovered that Logan had left to go on a date with Janus and Remus, and had come back with a broken wrist they would be dramatic as possible when it came to any future dates with the dark sides.

He wouldn’t allow that.

Janus hummed as he nodded his head, his lips twisting just a little at the unpleasant thoughts that came with the scenario that Logan had just explained. “So what are you going to do?”

Surely Logan couldn’t just hide in his room until a month passed, and then get the cast off.

“I’ll just stay in my room until it’s time to get the cast off,” Logan shrugged, “I’ll put a sticky note on the door saying that I’m working on a big project and I don’t want to be disturbed. They usually listen to my sticky notes, a lot better than me since there’s no actual listening involved.”

“Are they threatening, these sticky notes?” Remus teased.

Instead of replying to his teasing with a retort Logan merely rolled his eyes, grabbing the front of Remus’ shirt to pull him in for a short sighted kiss.

“You know,” Remus mumbled in between kisses, “You can just stay with us right? The couch is always open for you, and so is any of our bedrooms.”

Logan pecked one last kiss on the corner of the creative side’s mouth, a warmth stirring in his chest at the offer of another place to stay if he wished to.

But…

It would be easier to recover in his own bedroom without Janus’ or Remus’ room effecting him in anyway, and recovering from a broken wrist on the couch didn’t exactly sound like fun to him.

“I know Rem,” The warmth he felt blossomed onto his face as a loving smile. “And rest assured you and Janus will see me in this month. But my room is probably easier for me.”

Satisfied with his answer, Janus nodded as he threw away the plastic spoons and cups that they had been eating from. Finally ready to head on back to the mind space, as both he and Remus held tight to Logan’s hands on the way back. It’d be a while before they could go on another date again, and maybe a little bit longer before it was anywhere in the wintertime again. But that was okay, because he could wait.

So with him lovingly holding onto the blue cast that kept Logan’s broken hand safe from the world, Janus felt at peace for the first time since the accident.

Everything would be okay.

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ask-fantasy-sanders-sides · 3 years

Note

What is Ro thinking right now? -𓆙

Virgil had just gotten done brushing his hair when they heard the commotion outside the Manor.

Ainsliee squeaks in surprise. She turns to Virgil, boiling over with excitement, gleefully translating the message he had already guessed;

“Daddy’s back! He’s calling for us!!”

She grins and rushes over to Virgil, pulling his wrist and dragging him up from his seat. Virgil huffs in annoyance — not at her, of course, but at the bear’s continued barking — and waves his hand,

“Go on to him, then. But be careful, he’s still dangerous!”

Without a word of response, Annie dashes away. He doesn’t even think she was listening.

Virgil sighs, shaking his head. He trusts the Beast spirit not to hurt her, even with it’s unreasonable strength; After how careful the bear had been with him about an hour before, there’s no way he won’t show the same gentleness with his own cub…

The more cautious parts of Virgil can still imagine her rushing him too quickly and getting crushed on accident, though, so he knows he can’t linger long.

Virgil stands up to get dressed, still not excited to see his friends again. His stomach churns at the possibilities as he meanders towards a closet, silently hoping Lolth would just strike him down right now so he wouldn’t have to talk to them.

He just knows they’ll be angry, he feels it in his bones — and even if they aren’t, it will certainly be awkward, and that’s just as bad!

(Better to be the first to anger, so you might lead the conversation, Virgil reminds himself as he wallows in dread. He won’t even have to fake his ire if any of them come back injured, which he already knows is unavoidable. Aside from his desire to keep them all unharmed, he really doesn’t want to be owing any more favors…)

(And even more besides, if he could be petty, Virgil doesn’t want to go back outside. It’s cold and windy tonight, his hair is still damp, his limbs are still sore, his mom has his armor, and he doesn't want to put clothes back on, damnit.)

Another resounding roar thunders through the night air, and then Virgil feels the entire tree-tower tremble with vibrations.

Fully realizing that this dire bear is willing to climb the place and rip it open to find him, Virgil grabs the nearest warm-looking robe. He hastily slips it on over his bandages (and quiver belt, which he had already been wearing) as he makes his way out of the Manor.

~~~

Logan watches Roman pace back and forth around the trees, in front of the spiraling stairway that leads up into the complex. He’s been incessantly huffing and stomping around like a petulant child, and Logan has no idea what to say to make him stop; He's been trying ever since the city was in sight.

Janus and Remus are very pointedly not helping, with Janus giving Logan a meaner side-eye the longer the wailing continues, and Remus yelling back at Roman for no other reason than to join in being loud.

Patton has less fear of the gigantic, angry animal, approaching the groaning beast and patting a hand on his paw,

“Aww, c’mon now, Roman. We just got here! Give them a minute to come down,” Patton soothes in a soft voice, “Not everyone is as fast as a giant bear!”

Roman looks down at him, acknowledging his presence, but he either didn’t understand Patton’s words or wholeheartedly doesn’t care. He softly shakes his paw to scoot Patton away, then rears up on his back legs, raises his arms, then lurches all of his body weight forward and slams into the trunk of the massive tree.

It doesn’t visibly shudder at his attack — even at his size, these great home-trees of the Faewild are many times wider around than a direbear, and won’t be knocked down so easily — but the intent is clear, and Logan worries someone as sensitive to vibrations as Virgil would be quite frightened. So, Logan quickly steps in, using a more stern tone this time (and his Universal Speech,)

“That’s enough! You are being impatient,” Logan scolds, “They will come down soon enough. One of them is injured. They can take their time if they wish to.”

An angry whine interrupts his last few words, but still, Roman backs away from the complex. He keeps growling and barking, but at least he’s not trying to break the damn thing down.

Right on queue, a little blue girl comes flying down the stairs like a missile, grinning wildly.

Logan sighs in relief, happy to see her in good spirits after how they had left off. Roman seems to feel the same, finally quieting down his complaints. He drops his head down to meet her when she approaches, sniffing her as she reaches up to hug his muzzle. She squeezes him as best she can from there, giggling when he pushes down a little to nuzzle her.

Practically tripping over herself with energy, Annie quickly pops up to bowl Patton over in a hug as well, giving Logan a wide grin over his shoulder as Patton squishes her close to his chest. Logan couldn’t suppress a smile in return, even if he wanted to.

Virgil appears at the staircase then, looking comically ethereal. His long, re-dyed hair and wide-sleeved elven robe blow in the wind, his expression soft and quietly observant; He looks much more like the picture of a dark-elven noble you would find in a storybook than the grizzled soldier they’ve been travelling with. Even his eyes have changed color, with his sclera turned black and his pupils reflecting pale moonlight.

Virgil spots Patton and Annie embracing, and relaxes at the sight of them. Then he turns his gaze on the rest of the team, and his usual scowl returns, eyes glowing red to match. Logan is almost comforted by the familiarity.

“Olath ilhar, You’re hurt!” Virgil growls, rushing down to meet them.

Logan grumbles to himself over the hypocrisy of that statement, looking over the bandages absolutely covering Virgil’s arms, legs and abdomen.

Roman shuffles his weight on his paws when he sees Virgil approach, but Virgil holds a hand out to him, scolding,

“Oh don’t you even start! You will sit and wait your turn!”

To Logan’s amazement, Roman whines and sits down on the grass, looking thoroughly reprimanded.

(Well that is just not fair.)

Virgil looks over each of them in turn, searching for wounds. He circles Patton first, alarmed by the bandages across his middle. The careful prodding of his hands remains in stark contrast to the snarl in his voice,

“I wouldn’t have let you go if I knew you were going to be so reckless!”

“You hardly let us go at all. And, only two of us are injured.” Logan corrects as if he can’t help it, not taking Virgil’s returning glare so seriously.

“Three of you! Roman is barely standing. And that’s more than half of your party, yutrit'zarreth!” Virgil hisses back. He moves over to Logan and stalks around him, searching him as well.

“I’m fine, Virgil, I didn’t even get near the battle.” Logan protests, shrugging off Virgil’s patchwork cloak in order to return it.

Virgil bares his teeth, still unconvinced. Logan sighs and sits through his examination, though he can’t help but complain to himself about how unfair Virgil is being.

Reminding himself of Virgil’s wounds, Logan uses their proximity to examine his bandages. They seem fairly well-wrapped, but it’s clear he hasn’t had any magical healing since they saw him last, and the bags under his eyes are dark even for Virgil. Every day it seems Virgil is stretching the limits of what levels of pain a person can ignore — by all accounts, he shouldn’t be conscious right now, much less standing.

The last few battles, Logan had tried not to think too much about why Virgil does this, and even less about how he became able to. But, at this point, it’s become obvious that he has a very serious problem. Logan’s going to have to do something if he doesn’t want Virgil to drive himself into the grave...

While he lets himself worry, Logan also notices the belt of Virgil’s quiver is strapped right over his bandages.

“Are you wearing that against your bare skin?” Logan scolds before he can stop himself, “What about the wound on your back?”

“Don’t worry about it.” Virgil grumbles, though bringing it up seems to have scared him off. He snatches his cloak from Logan’s hands, pulling it in under his robe and fastening it so it lies between the robe and his skin, then slinks away, glowering. Logan can’t help but think he’s misstepped, somehow.

Virgil has already moved on to look over Janus, who also tries to shoos the archer away, insisting he’s unharmed. Virgil hisses at him, too, but quickly moves on to Remus anyway.

“Get inside and rest, all of you!” Virgil orders as he prowls around him, examining the bruises on his sides and back with gentle touches, “We’ve already lost too much travel time as it is, at this rate we’ll never make it to the Capital.”

“What about Roman? I doubt he can fit inside, are we just going to leave him out here??” Patton whines. Virgil snaps a short, sharp laugh and glares at the bear,

“Yeah, for all I care.”

Roman groans at him, and Virgil snaps something back in Drowic. Logan doesn’t know if he can actually understand Virgil’s words or just the tone in which he’s saying them, but Roman is certainly respecting his orders more than he did Logan’s.

(Logan quickly reminds himself that Virgil had once claimed to be a Ranger, and answers his own questions on the matter.)

“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” Logan advises carefully, taking note of Virgil’s mood. He keeps his tone as soothing as possible as he explains,

“This is his first time shifting, we should stay to make sure he doesn’t do anything reckless. Besides, specifically as a bear, he will grow distressed if we leave his sight.”

“You’re just saying that because you want to study him.” Janus supplies unhelpfully, apparently living to annoy him. Virgil doesn’t respond, though, and Logan can tell that his reasoning got through to him.

Remus rolls his eyes, quickly growing bored of their debate,

“Well, I’m certainly staying with Brother Bear over here, and the three of us have a long overdue heart-to-heart scheduled for, ehhh, right about now~!”

Virgil pretends not to hear him while he studies the bruise on Remus’s back. Remus frowns at being ignored, turning on his heel and grabbing Virgil’s shoulders to stop him in his tracks,

“Let’s have a little chat~! You aren’t getting out of this, slick.”

Virgil glares holes into Remus’s chest, then turns away from him, hissing his discomfort the entire way. Janus looks similarly displeased, leveling an unfriendly look at Remus before taking his hand and following along.

Logan and Patton follow the three of them, Annie holding Patton’s hand and instructing Roman to follow behind.

Virgil leads them to a vacated barn, instructing Roman to lie down and wait. Annie nestles in next to his side, and Logan and Patton join her, watching Virgil lead Remus and Janus back out. Virgil keeps himself several paces ahead of them, looking like he might lose his nerve and bolt at any minute.

Logan and Patton share an uneasy look, only able to speculate about what happened between Virgil and the odd duo…

Janus doesn’t say a word, worried about getting himself in trouble before they even start the conversation. Virgil already seems tense, and Janus doesn’t ignore the way he positions himself closer to the Manor complex than to the barn.

Once he’s satisfied they’re far enough away that Logan can’t eavesdrop, he very rigidly turns to face his two old friends, waiting for someone else to start.

Janus and Virgil just glare in each other’s directions, both refusing to be the first to get vulnerable. (At least Virgil’s eyes are glowing faintly red, so Janus knows where they’re pointed, and where the hell Virgil is.)

Remus stands with his hands on his hips and glances between them impassively, knowing it’s only a matter of time until one of them cracks.

Despising the awkward silence more than anything else, Janus finally smirks,

“Well, you look terrible.”

“What are you doing here?” Virgil growls, shifting his gaze between the two. He still hasn’t looked either of them in the eye, just glaring at the grass by their feet like it’s done something to offend him; something it took many years to get Virgil to stop doing.

“Oh, you know I just love the Faewild,” Janus grumbles, folding his arms defensively, “But, this time, I must confess we were mainly looking for you.”

“Why?” Virgil growls even lower, his eyes turning even brighter red. Janus rolls his eyes at the aggressive display, 80% certain Virgil is simulating it this time.

“What do you mean ‘why?’” Janus scoffs, quickly growing annoyed, “It’s been so long, I was starting to wonder if you’d gotten lost!”

Janus expected the cold reception, of course, but he’s never exactly been lauded for his temper. Remus steps in, knowing a spat is imminent if he doesn’t. He chuckles,

“You fucked off in quite a rush, but you did say you were coming home eventually.”

Virgil’s jaw drops.

He quickly shakes himself out of it and resumes his defensive posture, but the damage was done; The same shocked look spreads to the other two. The three just stare each other down, all of them growing more confused by the minute.

Virgil breaks first, looking away at a suddenly very interesting rock as he mumbles,

“…You expected me to come back?”

Janus can immediately read the implication under the words; the question Virgil is afraid to ask. He feels his chest constrict a little at the thought, too winded to keep up his usual snark. In all of the visions he had seen to prepare for this moment, Virgil had never reacted like this. Usually he ran, and often he was angry at them or scared of them, but never…dejected.

“Darling, of course! How could you assume anything else?”

“I don’t know,” Virgil huffs, shoulders raising up to his ears, “Maybe it was the huge fucking fight we had seconds before I ran off for two fucking years— Aren’t you mad?!”

“No!” Janus and Remus shout at the same time, with varying levels of surprise and distress. Virgil’s still on the offensive, glaring at them.

“Fuck off! I almost took your whole arm off, and then you leased that dweomer, and Remus lost it—”

“That’s not the first time we each went a little crazy, Virgil.” Janus shakes his head, subtly motioning down to his ankle,

“That’s part of the reason we’ve stuck together for so long, remember?”

Virgil smiles a little at the reference, an inside joke between the three of them he thankfully hasn’t forgotten. Still, he seems reluctant.

He turns a bit towards them now, though he’s started picking at his nails, like he does when he’s really nervous. His eyes are wide and startled, but he still won’t look up,

“That time was… different. Something happened. I think I…” He shakes his head, steadying his voice before he continues,

“No, I know it this time. I’m not going crazy, something cursed me in that cave! All I remember is us knocking over some altar with a crystal on it, and now I can do magic on the surface?! And I got all paranoid about every little move, and I tried to run off for good!”

“It wasn’t a curse. At least, I don’t think so.” Janus sighs, looking down at his hand, which is now covered in dragon-like scales under his glove. “And it wasn’t just you, either.”

Remus grins, focusing on drawing forward that strange energy he now houses. He holds out his hand, letting Virgil watch as he conjures the usual smoke effects he’s always been able to summon, now along with some unusual yellow lightning flashing within.

“Me and Deedee also got some cool new powers~! And some other weird stuff, too!”

Virgil slowly creeps forward to get a better look, still apparently deciding whether he should be afraid or angry. Very slowly, he reaches up and lays one of his hands on Remus’s, then raises the other. Janus and Remus watch as Virgil’s eyes glow blue, and a cluster of lightning grows out of his skin, dancing around his fingers. A moment later, both magic effects fizzle out with a sharp crackling sound.

“Where did you learn that?” Janus hums, mildly impressed, though he already knows the answer. Virgil shrugs, looking back towards the barn,

“Logan’s been teaching me how to control it. I’m still not great at it yet, but I haven’t accidentally killed anyone in several days.” Virgil sighs. He looks around at his friends, finally looking them in the eyes, though he still looks a bit like a frightened animal. Slowly, he adds,

“I still don’t know how I feel about this,” He admits, then sends a short glance at Remus, “But, you and your brother have to do something together in town, right? So… We’re all going in the same direction, anyway.”

“And you’re set on these new guys?” Janus sighs, trying not to sound disappointed. Virgil shrugs.

“I don’t think I can leave them yet. I’m making progress, but I still need Logan’s help…” Virgil looks back at the barn, an annoyed grumble returning to his tone,

“And, these three are kind of pathetic. I really don’t think they’ll make it in one piece without us, anyway.”

Janus chuckles in agreement, not at all surprised. Remus flips his hair with a smile,

“Oh, so there’s an ‘us’ now~?”

Before Virgil can even blush at the slip, Remus is laughing again,

“Well then, it can’t be helped~ Looks like the three of us are coming with them!”

“Of course.” Janus nods, “As much as it pains me to waste my time with such irksome people, it would be convenient for us to travel together. And, according to Logan, you need a sorcerer’s help with the whole ‘training’ thing.”

(Janus avoids adding a snarky remark about how “that also proves that you never should have left to begin with,” though it is difficult.)

“I’d rather it be you then some other high class know-it-all I haven’t met. One is enough.” Virgil admits, though he can’t resist rolling his eyes at Janus’s snark.

Now, a bit of a smirk has returned to Virgil’s face. He looks between the two again, blushing slightly and fiddling with his hands again to distract from his brain. Virgil himself is unsure whether he’s more afraid or hopeful. Not that he would ever admit to the latter.

“So… you really aren’t mad?”

“No, dear. If any of us have a right to be, it’s you.” Janus sighs. Virgil whines in complaint,

“But— Two years is a long time for you, you can’t just let me get away with that!”

“I was busy with something, anyway, so it’s no big deal~” Janus sighs, not quite willing to admit to himself whether or not it’s a lie. To silence Virgil’s arguing he holds one hand out to Virgil, and focuses on melting away just that little section of his glamour.

Green and yellow scales are revealed all along his hand and wrist, and Virgil gasps for a moment, reaching over to touch them. The look he gives Janus then is devastating, the last of the fear easing out of his shoulders as the memory of that night washes over him.

“This is what I was scared of?” Virgil frowns, sounding more than a little disappointed in himself, “Your scales are spreading?”

“There’s much more to it than that,” Janus quickly corrects him, letting the phrase carry a lot of weight for him, “But we can get into that when you’re awake enough to process a more detailed conversation.”

“I thought you were just born with them. Are you supposed to grow more?”

“No, I’m not. Like Remus said, you aren’t the only one who was affected.” Janus shrugs, “We both have physical mutations, though not quite like your scars. Remus already mentioned what happened to his wings, didn’t he?”

Virgil turns to him expectantly. Remus holds his hands behind his back and grins,

“Ooooh no, I’m saving that surprise for something special. After all, now Roman’s here to see ‘em too, and you know I can’t resist dramatic timing~”

“Before you keep insisting you’re too dangerous to congregate around,” Janus muses lightly before Virgil can say another word, “You’re not the only one with new temporal magic.”

Janus takes a tiny amount of pleasure in the momentary horror on Virgil’s face. As a treat.

“Oh, don’t get all worked up, my love~” Janus teases, patting Virgil’s arm, “I’m not able to affect time in any real sense, I can only predict the future. That’s how we were able to track you somewhat reliably.”

“That’s terrifying.” Virgil grumbles, “Are you guys having bursts like mine??”

“Nope. Aside from the visions, which can sneak up on me at times, I’m perfectly in control of my magic.” Janus smirks, “Remus has been having a similar problem to yours, when he gets excited. Not nearly as large-scale, though it can occasionally be dangerous.”

“And I revel in the chaos of it, so no skin off my back~!” Remus grins.

They fall into silence again, though it’s a bit more comfortable now. Virgil shuffles from foot to foot, not quite sure how to end the conversation, or disperse the lingering doubts and awkwardness hanging between them.

(As much as Virgil can try and dismiss his old feelings as “part of the Madness Roman cured,” there’s still a lot about that night that still doesn’t feel right in Virgil’s gut, and he doesn’t know how long he wants to wait for a longer explanation.)

(And, though their parting altercation has been mostly dismissed, it’s still been two years since he saw them last. Virgil knows how much non-elves can change in that time. What if even now, with everything said and done, they still can’t go back to the way they were before? What if they’re different now, and they don’t get along as well as they used to? Should he really want to, anyway??)

Sensing his worries and eager to put them to rest, Janus peels his other glove off as well and steps forward, very gently taking Virgil’s hands.

“Are you angry?” He asks, softly and genuinely.

“You can be upset, Virgil. A lot has happened, it’s okay if you need time.” Janus sends a glance in Remus’s direction, prodding him to help. Remus gives Virgil one of his ‘dazzling’ grins, trying to reassure him that they don’t hold any grudges.

Virgil relishes the familiar feeling of Janus’s hand, shoving aside his remaining worries. He’ll deal with his lingering doubts later.

(Their arrival has added an incredible number of new problems to his plate, but he’s frazzled and exhausted. His best friends are back, and they don’t hate him. At least for tonight, that will be enough; God knows he has enough to worry about right now, anyway.)

Virgil shakes his head, voice still sore from earlier that day, and nearly boneless with exhaustion. Janus and Remus share a knowing look, well aware Virgil is hiding something but too overwhelmed to get into it now.

“Let’s just head back in and rest for tonight.” Virgil sighs, brushing his hair behind his ear. He turns to Janus, frowning,

“In the morning, you’re going to have to tell them about the sorcery thing. And, probably also about being a snake. Logan never leaves it be at one question.”

“Ugh! You people won’t let me keep any of my secrets!” Janus complains, folding his arms. He already knew he would need to come clean, but that doesn’t mean he has to enjoy it. He tilts his chin up in an expression of faux-contempt, tone mocking,

“Fine, but only if you promise to actually sleep tonight. I wasn’t kidding earlier, you look like shit.”

“That’s not fair, someone has to keep watch!”

“We have a twenty-foot bear in there, who is going to sneak up on that? You’re being ridiculous.”

“But what about when Roman changes back in the morning? Someone has to be awake to help him!”

“I will, then!” Remus scoffs, “I’m his brother, he’s not gonna want anyone else to see him naked. Besides, we all know damn well you’re going to wake up the second anyone moves, hypersensitive ass.”

“Oh, shit.” Virgil hums, “We should pick him up some clothes before we head back in…”

“Ooooh, can I pick them out~?” Remus grins evilly. Virgil slaps his arm, trying not to laugh,

“No, leave him alone! He’s probably gonna be scared at first. You can bully him later.”

“You’re such a buzzkill! I don’t remember you being this lame.”

“Say that again when I have the energy to kick your ass.”

They playfully shove and bat at each other the whole way up the stairs, being careful of each other’s wounds while threatening to throw the other off the balcony. At the same time, they move slowly, considerate of Janus’s leg and eyesight.

Janus watches them and suppresses a fond smile, his cold heart warming at how quickly they’ve started to ease back into their usual dynamic...

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Ask 119 (( @zozomind , @renee-niles ))

Game Start

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Rules

Most Recent Recap, in case you feel like you missed something!

Available for questions: Logan, Patton, Remus, Janus, Annie, Virgil, and…Roman?

You have reached the end of Level 2!

Begin Level 3: The Past is Never Dead

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You can now save your first File in Level 3 with the Game Menu!

Save Files:

File A.1: Communication ?

File B.2: The Heart of the Matter ?

File B.3: Angel’s Epithet ?

File B.4: Pack Tactics ?

File B.5: Lay Bear the Breast ?

File B.6: Lay Bare the Beast ?

File B.7: Moonlight Dancers ?

[ !!! WARNING: Save File Limit Breached! ]

[ Which file will you DELETE? ]

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…What a curious title. I wonder what it could mean…

...And it looks like you’ve unlocked something new in the Game Menu!

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(( UPDATED: If you missed the Patreon/Kofi announcement! ))

#please tell me if i need to tag anything else!#lets roll #save point #ttrpgau art #ask rpg sanders sides #asks open #sanders sides rpg au #Roman the Werebear #long post #long answer #game menu #renee-niles #zozomind

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reptilian-with-scalli0ns · 2 years

Text

Good

Summary: a summary of Remus's path to acceptance through his perspective

Word Count: 1867

Read on AO3

cws: descriptions of violence and gore, disturbing imagery, some sexual references, self harm is alluded to all over the place, nightmares, hallucinations, vomit, non sexual nudity

_____________________

Remus didn’t remember much from when Creativity split. Just that Patton, just Heart back then, had promised to make everything better again.

And then it had hurt, and he had been left alone.

He laughed, then. A lot. So hard he cried. Or maybe he cried so hard he laughed. He didn’t remember anymore.

After that he remembered wandering, down in the dark corners of the mind. Sometimes there were flashes of color, of sound, but some instinct told him to stay away, and he would lay on the ground for hours imagining the various ways that the sources of the sounds would tear him apart. And sometimes he would do this for so long the imaginings would turn into nightmares and he would barely notice the difference until Rage was clawing out his eyeballs and he screamed himself awake.

It was during one of these times Remus had first met Janus. Well, first met Protection, as Remus, and Protection had told him he was now Deceit. That was also when Remus started to think that maybe he wasn’t Creativity anymore, either.

“You must be bad, now,” he’d said. “Everything down here is bad.”

Deceit had looked close to tears at that, and said. “You’re down here.”

“I’m bad, too.” Thomas had just watched Alice and Wonderland, and Remus grinned just like the Chesire Cat, stretching his mouth too wide. “We’re all bad here.”

Deceit sniffed, and Remus rolled over and tackled him to the ground.

“It’s okay,” he’d said. “We can be bad together.”

It was sort of nicer, after that. They had to run and hide even more now, since Janus had always been the one who held the door, and if they caught him it would be very bad. But now Remus had someone to talk to after he woke up screaming for Heart, even though Janus wasn’t usually fond of hugs. And Janus had someone to rant to about how everyone else in the mind was stupid and he was right and why they should all only listen to him, even if Remus didn’t understand most of it. They also had time to come up with their names.

Then there was Virgil. They had found him hiding in a corner, shaking and bruised, and terrified of both of them. He had screamed in a very strange way, and it had made Remus’s ear’s hurt, and he had thought it was so cool, and he had said so. Then Remus had painted his face to match Virgil’s black eyes, and did it for Virgil too, but Virgil was crying still and rubbing his eyes and it ended up all black underneath. But then Virgil had said he liked it that way, and Janus had said he looked scary, and then they were three.

And it was like that for a long time, the three of them together. They stuck together as they wandered, and kept each other safe. When Virgil got lost in panicking spirals, Janus and Remus were there, grounding him and pulling him out. When Janus couldn’t stop the lies from spilling out, and cried and screamed that he hated them and that they should leave him alone for trapping them here, they held him close and assured him that it wasn’t true. When Remus couldn’t tell the difference between nightmare and reality, they held him back from scratching himself to pieces and brought him back from the edge.

Even after the mindscape gained more structure and their rooms appeared, and Janus got better at holding the worst back so they didn’t have to hide anymore, they still spent most of their time together. They usually slept in Janus’s room, since it was comforting and soft and both Virgil and Remus’s room tended to produce nightmares.

Then Virgil ducked out.

Janus had to lock Remus in his room to prevent him from burning the light side down. And Virgil didn’t come back.

Remus had kept waking up thinking it was a nightmare, and not believing Janus when he said, haltingly, that it was true, until Remus stormed over to the wall that had once been Virgil’s door and smashed it in. The wall always repaired itself by the next day.

Eventually Remus had resigned himself to scratching at it, then just sitting there. Sometimes Janus would come to sit with him. And when Remus didn’t see Janus, only saw Virgil coming home and latched on and wouldn’t let go, Janus sat with him until he could.

Janus started visiting the others. He promised over and over again that he wouldn’t leave Remus alone. But Remus knew Janus was a liar. And it was so much more exciting up there.

So Remus started to learn how to spend time alone.

It was colder, when Janus was gone.

Remus spent a lot more time in the Imagination. He destroyed himself and Thomas and Thomas’s friends and the other sides over and over again. Sometimes he imagined it was Thomas ripping him to pieces. Sometimes it was Janus. Or Virgil. He got better at telling the difference between imagination and reality. Reality was sharper. More intense. It hurt more.

He could imagine having sex with the Dragon Witch all he liked but it was nothing compared to seeing Virgil scoff after he told an innuendo that Patton didn’t get, throwing a knife at Logan and watching him give a condescending look, or antagonizing Roman until they were full on brawling.

It was the only time anyone other than Janus had paid attention to him for a while, when they were fighting, so he had pissed them off whenever he’d gotten the chance.

But then Thomas decided to confront him. Thomas was talking to him. Acknowledging his existence.

And Janus had said he could be out in the light.

The first few weeks had been horrible.

For the others, that is.

Remus had carefully shredded every pillow he could get his hands on, offered to wash the dishes just so he could “accidentally” break the plates, flirted aggressively with any side in the vicinity except for Roman, got tentacle slime on absolutely everything, and, on one memorable occasion, filled the whole common area with hallucinogenic mushroom spores, causing everyone to get super loopy and Thomas to have several incredibly bizarre dreams.

It was amazing.

Instead of locking him away, Janus and everyone else always attempted to reason with him. He hadn’t had regular conversation like this since before Virgil left.

And, even though he was being absolutely horrible, they all seemed to be trying to help.

He had only spent a few days in the light when he had his first nightmare. It had been bad. He had been torturing Virgil, cutting into his legs to make sure he could never leave again while Virgil screamed and cried. The other sides had been there too, Janus particularly close, whispering in his ear how, see, this was proof, he was too bad, too evil, he could never be accepted, not when he was so corrupted, he was a virus, a curse, a disease. Black sludge had begun to pour from the other side’s eyes and mouths, and Remus had cackled as his own vision had begun to blur with darkness, and he woke up screeching and laughing and gasping, trying to breath through the blackness he was sure was filling up his lungs.

He had been attempting to slow down his breathing, or at least stop making noise, when Patton, of all sides, had rushed in, dodging his flailing arms and tilted him to the side so he could throw up without choking (his puke wasn’t black?). Patton had kept up a steady flow of words, telling him it was okay, that he was safe, that they didn’t think he was a disease, not anymore (had he said that out loud?), and held Remus’s hand as he squeezed Patton’s to death, and said the slight scratches from his chipped nails where no big deal when he finally let go.

And then, he’d sat with Remus for what felt like hours, holding his disgusting, puke and snot covered, naked self in his arms until he’d stopped gasping and relaxed enough to fall asleep, which he eventually did, without even making a single sex joke. And he’d woken up late the next morning, clean and tucked comfortably into his blankets, feeling more rested than he’d ever felt in his life.

Remus refrained from curdling Patton’s hot chocolate that morning as a thank you. He still did it again the next day, though. He hadn’t wanted anyone to think he was getting nice or anything.

Then one time, when Remus had been literally bouncing off the walls in the living room, tentacles swinging and sticking and knocking everything over, Roman had come in and actually offered to duel him in the Imagination! And afterward, Roman helped Remus bandage the injuries he wanted to keep for the cool scarring, provided he healed them enough to prevent any actual damage before they went back to the mindscape. And Roman wore the neon green bandage Remus had plastered to his forehead, claiming it to be a good aesthetic, the whole rest of the day.

Logan started offering to do experiments with him, though he used a lot more safety tools than Remus usually did. Logan even had some great ideas for even crazier experiments than usual now that he had Remus to imagine the mess away. They only accidentally zombified each other one time.

And Virgil was letting him do his makeup, and helping with Remus’s again. Remus swore to himself the extra eyeliner smudging was only because Virgil put too much on.

And Janus… didn’t really act that much different around Remus. He still let Remus ramble and drank whatever gross thing Remus had dumped in his wine with no reaction, and he still let Remus squish him with his tentacles every once in a while, even though he wasn’t as touchy. He smiled more, though. He laughed more.

And Remus realized that it wasn’t just Janus that genuinely made him smile these days.

The first time he’d been invited to a movie night and they all piled on top of each other he’d cried at the warmth. The others had started to move away, seeing his distress, but he’d wrapped them all in his tentacles and pulled them back, and no one got mad at him afterward.

Now there was always someone to help after a nightmare, especially when he started having less.

Now there was always a better way to blow off steam than beating himself up in the Imagination, where he was never alone lately anyway.

There was always someone to talk to.

Always someone to squish until they almost popped like a pimple, or to squish him like that if he needed it.

His head was still loud, but it was less now.

And even when it still got too much, sometimes, he wasn’t locked up or ignored or shunned, he was welcomed and hugged and told that it wasn’t his fault, he would be okay, they would all be okay.

And it was good.

Remus was good.

#sanders sides #sanders sides fanfiction #sanders sides fanfic #remus sanders #remus sanders centric #angst #angst with a happy ending #they love each other you know #rwswriting

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a-small-batch-of-dragons · 3 years

Text

Button by Button

Prompts: (I’ve never requested anything before, so I apologize if I’m not doing this right) Would you be willing to write something where Janus (nervously) goes to Remus because he wants to get clean from self-harm, but realizes that he needs help/can’t do it alone? - anon

If you’re still taking requests, can you write a side (preferably janus, but anyone works) having a pretty rough time and resorting to unhealthy coping mechanisms to deal with it, and then one (or multiple) other sides help him? Love your works! - anon

Ah yes more of these. Y'all know what time it is!

CHECK POINT TIME MY DUDES~

unclench your jaw roll them shoulders back drink something go to the bathroom eat something look away from the screen for three goddamn CONSECUTIVE seconds

okay cool now you may proceed love you very much

Read on Ao3

Warnings: implied/referenced self-harm. Very brief description of scale removal

Pairings: platonic dukeceit

Word Count: 2187

It’s when Thomas catches him with one of his scales missing that he knows he needs this to stop.

The problem is that he doesn’t realize he’s doing it. Not until it’s too late. One of his fingers will just…accidentally catch the wrong edge of a scale and then he’ll slip his fingers under it and pull and…off it pops.

Well, it doesn’t really pop off.

If he’s being honest—heh—it’s part of the reason he started wearing the gloves all the time, not just when he has to go and perform for the rest of them. If he could hide his nails beneath the fabric then maybe it would be more difficult to pop them off.

But the seams of the fabric are even better at snagging on the uneven scales. He swears they were built to find the little ones that didn’t sit quite right with the others. How wonderful.

Most of the time he can hide it.

Not all the time.

It’s when Thomas starts frowning at his hand halfway through filming a video that he snaps.

“What?”

“Nothing, nothing, it’s just—“ he waves to the glove— “there’s a—you got something there, bud.”

Janus glances down and notices the stain.

Shit.

“I’m sure it’ll take you by surprise to know that Remus is far from the paragon of cleanliness,” he remarks dryly, waving the hand out of sight.

Virgil snorts. “Uh-huh.”

Roman rolls his eyes. “Did he at least use the plastic tarps I dropped off?”

“Oh, there were supposed to be tarps?”

“You know, that’s enough of an answer.”

The conversation steers back on track but Janus keeps his fist clenched out of sight.

Too close. Thomas is not allowed to know. Janus may not be able to hide as much as he would like from Thomas but this Thomas will not know.

And…alright, maybe the feeling of too-raw skin rubbing against the inside of the glove is getting a little unbearable.

Maybe the fact that he has to keep his face turned away at all times is starting to grate on his insecurity.

Maybe trying to stop picking at his hands makes it difficult to keep the gloves on even though they’re the only thing keeping him sane some of the time.

…maybe he needs help.

Janus looks down at his hands, shakily pulling on his gloves and standing. He glances in the mirror and winces. Even for him, he looks like he’s trying to hide something. He makes a point to avoid the living room at all costs.

Remus’s door is ajar but the room is dark. He glances up and down the corridor, maybe Remus has gone into the Imagination. Then the toilet down the hall flushes and he sighs.

“Don’t tell me,” he says as Remus emerges, “you’ve ruined your own bathroom again?”

“I wouldn’t say ruined,” Remus chortles, “it’s a masterpiece! I just can’t use much of it right now.”

“Thrilling, I’m sure everyone will be glad to hear it.”

Remus just waves him off. “What’s up, Jan-Jan, haven’t seen you in ages.”

Janus blinks. “You saw me ten minutes ago.”

He rolls his eyes. “The point, Jan, is that you don’t come around anymore and I’m bored.”

“Well, if you’re so easily bored…”

“Hey, nuh-uh, you just showed up, no leaving!”

He pretends that Remus dragging him into his room is the opposite of what he wanted.

“Take a seat,” Remus sings gleefully, plopping down onto the floor and wriggling around like a worm on a string. Not far off. “Talk to me!”

Janus sits, doing his best to avoid whatever that is and folding his hands. He drums his fingers nervously against each other.

“What’s going on, Jan-Jan,” Remus asks, and ah, Remus has figured out something is wrong, “are you okay?”

“I need your help,” he decides on eventually, “to hide something from Thomas.”

Remus quirks an eyebrow. “You know that’s not anywhere near my specialty right?”

“And here I thought you were the picture of subtlety.”

“What’re you trying to hide?”

Janus swallows. Then he shakily peels off the glove and offers his hand to Remus. Remus takes it, frowning at his face before he turns to examine the scales. He runs his thumb gently over the places where scales meet flesh and turns Janus’s hand over.

He sweeps a finger down the scales and his nail catches a rough one.

Janus flinches.

Remus’s eyes widen as he takes in the patchwork of missing scales and sucks in a breath. “…Jan?”

“Thomas can’t know,” Janus bites out, “I have to hide it.”

Remus fixes him with a look. “And what else?”

“What else?”

“No lies,” he reminds, harsh tone a sharp contrast to the gentle movement of his thumb on Janus’s hand, “that includes lies of omission.”

Janus’s hand twitches in Remus’s grasp and he takes a deep breath.

“I can’t stop it,” he whispers after a moment, “I need your help.”

“Okay.” Remus gives his hand a tug. “Come closer.”

Janus shuffles forward on the floor, shame burning his cheeks. Remus tuts and raises a hand to pat his face.

“Don’t be embarrassed, Snakey,” he says quietly, “this is hard. Talking about it is hard for most people, it’s gonna be harder for you.”

“It shouldn’t.”

“Don’t say that. You’re not perfect. It’s hard. And you lie.”

“A lot.”

“A lot,” Remus agrees, laying Janus’s scaled hand in his lap, “so it’s gonna be hard.”

Janus takes a deep breath and squares his shoulders. “What do I do?”

“First off, stop looking like I’m about to have you executed by a pack of hyenas with machetes.” Remus raises an eyebrow. “I’m not mad at you, Snakey, and I don’t exactly have any authority over you.”

Janus huffs.

“Jan, look at me.”

Janus looks. Remus’s expression softens a little.

“Hey,” he says softly, “I’m not mad at you, it’s okay. You’re gonna be fine, we’re gonna deal with this. This is hard, this is mean. It’s okay.”

“…you don’t think I’m being a hypocrite?”

“If you are—I said if, bitch,” he says when Janus huffs again, “you’re far from the only one here and you’re far from being to blame for it.”

“What?”

Remus rolls his eyes. “Have you met the other people we live with?”

“…fair enough.”

Remus squeezes his hand. “It’s not gonna be easy, Jan, but it’s okay. I’m proud of you.”

Janus scoffs. “What on earth do you have to be proud of me for?”

“Okay first, don’t like the way you said ‘me,’ second, this is hard, Jan, admitting you need help and coming to find it? That’s not easy.”

Oh.

Janus swallows the lump in his throat and squeezes Remus’s hand back. “…so what do I do?”

“First, do you actually want to stop?”

Janus’s head snaps up. “What?”

Remus doesn’t waver. “Do you actually want to stop? ‘Cause this is only gonna work if you do.”

Does he want to stop?

It would be bad if Thomas found out. It would be bad if the others found out. He would have to deal with their looks and their whispers and he doesn’t want that.

If he grew all his scales back, if the scars faded, would it be like it never happened? Then he…then it would just be gone. He wouldn’t have it anymore. The scars hurt to get but something…something about them tugged on the string in his gut that made him feel safe.

Was that slight tug worth it?

Was it worth the gloves? The worry of someone finding out? The stinging showers? The look on Thomas’s face?

“…yeah,” he mumbles after a while, “yeah, I want to stop.”

“Okay.” Remus gives his hand another squeeze. “I’m real proud of you, you know that, right?”

“Alright, alright,” he mumbles, still ignoring the heat in his face, “that’s enough.”

Remus laughs and pulls him closer. “Gimme a hug, Jan.”

“Fine.”

Surely Remus can’t tell how much he really wants to hug him by how tightly all of the arms wrap around him. Remus chuckles into the crook of his neck and he definitely believes that Janus is being forced into this hug and there’s no way he’d be doing it on his own.

Remus definitely believes him.

“Hey, hey,” Remus murmurs, rubbing his back, and oh, he’s crying, “shh, Jan-Jan, it’s okay, I gotcha. You’re alright now, it’s okay.”

Janus turns his head into the crook of Remus’s neck. Remus is warm against his scales.

“It’s okay, I gotcha.” Remus squeezes him tighter. “You just sit here with me for a minute, ‘kay?”

They sit. For a while. Remus holds him close. It’s warm.

“Hey,” he mumbles after a while, “do you still wanna do the next part now, or do you wanna wait a little bit?”

Janus squeezes his eyes shut and pulls back. “We can do it now.”

“Okay.” Remus cups his hands in his lap and concentrates. Then a little glass jar appears. “Here.”

Janus takes it warily. “What is this for?”

“You. Now pick something you like. Something small that you can have a lot of. Eyeballs, old octopus suckers, paperclips, fuses, glue, wicks…you know, office supplies.”

Despite himself, Janus chuckles. “I forgot that was a Disney movie.”

Remus’s mouth falls open. “Oh, we are so watching that for movie night.”

“Is that tonight?”

“Think so.” He nudges Janus. “You got something?”

“…buttons?”

Remus grins and in a few moments, he holds a massive plastic bag of little buttons. “Like these?”

Janus nods.

“Great. Here’s what we’re gonna do.” He takes one of the buttons out of the bag. “Every day you can go without hurting yourself, you put one of these in the jar.”

The button clatters to the bottom of the jar.

“…that’s it?”

“Uh-huh. But if you break the streak you gotta take ‘em all out.”

“I see.” Janus looks into the jar. The lone button sits at the bottom. It looks so small. “Do I…do I get something if I fill up the jar?”

“Do you want to get something?”

He shrugs. “I’ve never been very good at the whole…self-imposed reward system. Because I can always just have it now and it’s fine.”

Remus snorts. “That sounds like you trying to give yourself deadlines and then being like ‘wait I know the guy who made these and he’s full of shit.’”

“Exactly.”

Remus nudges his shoulder. “Then don’t do that. Just set little goals to start with. Get one button. Then get another.”

“…one day at a time?”

“That’s how this shit works. Slow and steady wins the race.”

“You say as if turtle soup isn’t your favorite.”

“Turtle soup is a fucking delicacy, you whore.”

“You’ve been watching too much UNHhhh without me.”

“Then fucking watch it with me.”

“Thank you, Remus,” Janus mumbles, leaning his head on Remus’s shoulder, “I, um, I don’t know if I’m gonna be any good at this.”

“Be patient with yourself, Snakey, healing isn’t a linear process.”

“I know that…”

“But it never hurts to have someone else reassure you,” he murmurs, his breath warming the top of Janus’s head, “we’re here for you, Jan-Jan. You don’t have to tell us everything, just let us help you.”

Janus stiffens. “Do you think the others will…”

“They’ll ask if they worry—“

“Which they will.”

“—but they respect you, Jan,” Remus finishes, “and they’ll back off when you tell ‘em to. I’m sure you just have to tell them you’re working through some shit and they’ll ask if they can help in any way.”

“But I don’t have to tell them.”

“No, of course not.” Remus finds his hand and squeezes it. “You know I’m proud of you, right?”

“So you’ve said.”

“But do you know it?”

Janus turns his head to let his forehead rest against Remus’s. “Yeah, Remus, I do.”

“Good. Now come on, the day’s almost over. Let’s get you to dinner and movie night and see if we can get you that first button.”

“They’ll agree to watch The Lost Empire, right?”

Remus gives him a look. “Logan loves Milo, don’t let him tell you different—“

Janus snorts.

“—Patton is happy to do anything that makes you happy—“

“Remus!”

“—Roman wants to watch Disney always, all the time—“

“True.”

“—and Virgil is always going to make fun of obvious villains that no one is surprised by.”

Janus can’t stop laughing and Remus wraps an arm around his waist.

“You’re gonna be fine, Jan,” he says softly, “we gotcha.”

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If you would like to be added/taken off the taglist, let me know!

Also hey tumblr your Post+ shit is stupid.

#dragonbabbles #sanders sides #fic #janus sanders #deceit sanders #sympathetic deceit #remus sanders #sympathetic remus #self harm #tw self harm #tw: self harm

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leedrop-angel · 3 years

Text

Tickletober day 4:fingers

Ship: (ler) deceit X (lee) Logan

Lee moods.

Logan hated them, they made him need to feel emotions, and use his time for something so stupid as tickles.

He wanted, no needed to be wrecked. And a machine would take to long for him to even think up of. So he knew there was only one person to go to. The tickle monster of the dark sides.

Janus.

Logan got ready for this. His shorts and tank top that he has just for this occasion. And then made his way over.

Janus was on the sofa, reading a book, enjoying his quiet day, sense Remus and roman where in the imagination, sparing. This was a rare time, and Janus took advantage of it by having some tea as he reads his book. But a knock made him look up "come in" was all he said, but before he can go back to his book, Logan walked in.

And once Janus seen the outfit, he grins. Marking his spot in his book before setting it down. What the light sides didn't know, Logan came over always to be wrecked, yes Patton was evil, but he wouldn't go to far on logan, roman and remus would only tease him, and Virgil was to anxious to tickle Logan to far, in fear of him getting pushed to far.

Janus was the only one, who knew just what to do for Logan, and Janus never minded.

"so, a lee mood again?"

Logan just nods. Slowly making his way over, before getting on the floor and laying there, so Janus could get more room. Janus grabbed a pillow, layed it under Logan's head before sitting on his hips. "How many hands this time Logan?" Janus asked.

Logan blushed Abit "all 6, wreck me." Was all Logan said, and Janus smiles "you remember the safe word?"

Logan nods.

And then the fun starts.

Janus summons all 4 extra arms, every finger wiggling above Logan, finding there spots, and Logan seeing all of them made him bite his lip and grin wide. And after a minute, deceit found all the spots. And dove for them.

Logan sqweals and bursts into laughter

A hand in each pit, fingers wiggling just in the center of each pit, finding just the right spots to make little sqweaks with each laugh.

A hand on each side, making sure to get everything little bit, and even getting the ribs, playing them like a piano, making Logan's laughs go higher or lower depending on what spot he gets.

And the one that made Logan snort was 10 wiggly fingers in Logan's thighs, getting every pressure point he could get at.

Logan's laughter was full of snorts, sqweaks, and sqweals.

But Logan enjoyed every little bit he got. And was in ticklish heaven from every wiggly finger all over him.

#ticklish!logan #sandler sides #logan sanders #deceit #lee!logan #ler!deceit #tickletober2021 #tickletober

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lovelivingmydreams · 4 years

Text

My king au headcannon Part two

So this is the follow up to this post Which is a headcanon for this au created by @rondoel Enjoy!

Something to think about The king was meditating. He was trying to familiarize himself with the mindscape again, get a better feeling of it and see what his halves had done since the split. He was sorely disappointed. There were pages upon pages of ideas, but he found no evidence of them in the fantasy realm. No traces of the epic quests the ‘light’ half had envisioned, despite how well worked out they appeared. An ‘Ultimate Storytime’ should have left traces in the kingdom. Remus at least lived out his ideas even if they were only ever half formed and lacked substance beyond the initial impulse that brought them about. The results of these outbursts weren’t all that impressive either. He didn’t examine the ideas too closely. Obviously his perfectionistic half had abandoned them for a reason and so they weren’t worth his time. The one named Roman had spent some time in the fantasy realm, but he didn’t considered it his main duty. Instead he’d wasted time on crafting ‘ideas’ and ‘bonding’ with the others. Even the impulsive Remus had prioritized interacting with Deceit over expressing himself. Disgusting. Not that he could truly fault either of his halves. Other than his purpose every trace of him had been purged from their minds during the split. They hadn’t known to distrust the others the way he knew they should’ve. Obviously the others were to blame for all this.

As he thought of them he could feel his minister’s energy surging and subsiding in subtle burst and raging waves. One of Roman’s nickname for him ‘Stormy Knight’ seemed to suit the boy quite well at the moment. The minister was mostly alone, aside from morality. Someone had to babysit him he supposed. Suddenly he became aware of music… something strange yet familiar. “Disney. Medley.” A faint memory offered him. He remembered Disney. It was his aspiration to create worlds and adventures just as amazing for Thomas to escape to when the real world inevitably bored him. Clearly he hadn’t been gone long enough for that to change. Though he didn’t recognize the melody that was currently playing, even though he could tell that it wasn’t something obscure and nearly forgotten to Thomas. The entire imagination responded to the melody as if it was an old friend. Almost as if it was born here even. There were voices singing, a magnificent harmony. Powerful and foreboding. He followed the sound of the voices and soon saw a structure appear. As he approached he found it was a massive statue expertly carved from marble. Center stage stood a figure he recognized as Thomas holding his hands in front of him to form a heart. A brilliant smile on his face. It was heartwarming to see his boy like that. To Thomas’ left stood grown Morality with one arm thrown over his shoulder and another pulling the hooded side, Anxiety, his minister, into the group. The young side allowed it with a small smirk and gentle eyes directed at their protégé. On Thomas’ right stood Logic, a steady hand on the boy’s shoulder as he adjusted his glasses, which did not conceal the fond look on the man’s face. On Logic’s right stood Deceit, his back slightly turned to the rest and adjusting his hat, but also with a soft, caring expression gracing his features. Then right behind Thomas, standing slightly taller than they would have in reality, seemingly standing on a stage behind the group, but close enough to still be part of the ensemble, was him. Or the two sides that had been him for a while. Roman looked regal and was posing as though he had not a care in the world, his eyes proudly overseeing his subjects. Not minding the presence of Remus who was hanging of his ‘brother’s’ shoulders and making a face. It was an idyllic picture that never was and now never could be. There was beauty in it’s tragic impossibility. At the feet of the stone depictions were stone letters. Fam in cursive and then in big bold lines ILY. And leaning against the L was the minister, singing the song that had lured King away from his meditation. The shadows around him were aiding in his musical endeavor drifting around him and the statue. King took in the marvel once more, wondering how the nervous side had managed to create such a blessing with what should’ve been a cruel curse for at least a few more days before King would grant the young one his council and guidance. He hadn’t enjoyed being cruel to him. Not entirely. Sure, he had opposed creativity in the past and deserved to be disciplined. But king also knew how integral he was to the process. Roman’s discoveries regarding that weren’t lost to him. He couldn’t silence Anxiety completely. He would not get Thomas to go on adventures at all if he did so. But he had to teach him his place now, before he got any ideas of fighting him. The minister had been about to try just that and might have been successful too if he’d gone all out at once. But luckily he seemed unaware of his own abilities, or at least unwilling to use them on what he still thought to be the twins he’d known all his life. Alas he’d never get the opportunity again. “It all can be sold!” the shadows chorused around the teen-like side, captivating baby Morality with their movements as the little one clutched to the dark uniform and distracting King from his musings. “As a specimen yes I’m intimidating!” One voice continued, drifting around the side who was swaying to the music playing in his headphones with his eyes closed, holding onto Morality and then the dark clad side sang himself. “You can blame my friends on the ooootheeeer siiiiiiiiiide.” And just like that the shadows dispersed. Mostly anyway. They still swirled around the minister, but they were more of a dark aura than when they originally manifested. Anxiety seemed to be in better spirits than when he came to offer his ridiculous apology to Roman. King barely resisted the urge to roll his eyes at the memory. What a waste of time. Still it had been sincere, at least it seemed to be. And King wasn’t completely insensitive. He could understand that it would be hard for this young one to let go of his halves when he had never known them as one. Perhaps, King could cut him a little slack. Though he would have to remain vigilant… Hmmm, why did that word feel so odd when thinking about… Right, Virgil. Everyone had names now. Not that he cared much for those. Names were too… Names were for friends, allies. He didn’t need a name, nor did his subjects. Lest any of them forget who was in charge. King wouldn’t. Never again. The infant noticed that they were no longer alone in the room and tugged at Anxiety’s hair to get his attention. In response Thomas’ guardian pulled off his headphones and looked down at the heart. “What’s wrong popstar… or… Well, doesn’t really fit right now I guess,” Anxiety chuckled a little sadly. “Guess I’m more the dad now than you, huh?” he mused. “When this is all over, I promise I’ll never complain about you treating me like your kid again.” There was an uneasiness forming in King’s stomach. Anxiety was close with Morality, both Roman and Remus remembered that. But… how close was Morality with Anxiety? King knew that their ‘moral compass’ could be as two faced as Deceit. No, this could be part of an elaborate plan to gain his trust, he’d fallen for it once before. And of course they’d send Anxiety to do their dirty work now that all of them had already shown him their true colors. Little Morality pointed at King and Anxiety looked up, curious at first and then his eyes widened in fear. He put the child behind him and stood in a strange mixture of a respectful bow and a defensive stance. Arms slightly spread to shield his friend and head raised so he didn’t quite let his eyes leave King’s frame. “I…I’m sorry if I was too loud,” Anxiety offered with trembling voice, assuming he’d angered his king someway. Good. King approached, not sure if he was in the mood to scold or to praise just yet, but stopped about three steps in front of Anxiety as his foot hit something. He looked down and saw that the floor surrounding his minister was covered in sketches. He looked up at Anxiety with a raised brow, curious to hear what had brought on this little storm of creativity. And he found him staring at the sketches around them in horror. Then he seemingly felt the structure behind him, he turned and looked up in horror, trembling even harder. He looked back at King with wide eyes. “I…I didn’t mean to…” he started. “Then I look forward to see what you create for me when you intend to do so young one,” King mutters calmly, as he bids one of the drawings to come to his hand. As far as he can tell it’s two children playing in a forest. “Tell me about this one boy,” he instructs as he shows Anxiety the drawing. The side takes the sketch with a frown and looks at it for a moment before a small smile of recognition appears on his face. “I’d manifested for about two months. Remus felt it was about time I came on an adventure,” he starts explaining, and as he does the drawing rises up and gains colors and details that weren’t there before. Anxiety didn’t seem to notice, too captivated by his own memory as he described how freaked out he was by the forest and all its creepy creatures. Remus never let a single one touch him though. Still, it was stressful for him and he didn’t come along as often as Remus would like. The painting showed two preteens, Remus and Anxiety, the later clutching a comfort item, pillow or blanket, King wasn’t sure, maybe it was a stuffed animal. They were running around and laughing. But in their shadows Anxiety was curled up in a ball and Remus was making a gesture as if he’d just popped out and screamed ‘boo’. A lovely memory with a shadow side. But that was the nicest thing Anxiety could create with the power King had granted. Once the story was done and the painting finished, King snapped his fingers and conjured a dark wooden frame with a vine pattern around it and hung it on a non-existent wall. “I’m sorry, I know you said to get rid of the feelings, but I… I can’t… I always mess up like this please I…” Anxiety flinched when King reached out for him. Curling into himself, expecting another curse or some other punishment perhaps. Which is probably why his posture relaxed and his face was overcome with confused surprise when all he received was a brief pat on his hair. “You may not have gotten rid of those feelings but you did something even better,” King laid a hand on Anxiety’s shoulder and looked down on him. “You made something out of them. I am very pleased with you,” he informed his disciple. Anxiety looked up at him confused. “Really?” he asked, his voice breaking over the single word. Before King could answer, a displeased cooing pulled Anxiety’s attention away. He turned around and picked up the infant who immediately latched onto his neck and stared at King over his shoulder. Clearly the infant retained enough of Morality’s adult thoughts to be wary of him. Good it wouldn’t be a proper curse if the traitor wasn’t aware of the danger King posed to him and his precious family. King grinned menacingly at Morality, hoping it’d confirm the child’s worst fears about his intentions for who he apparently considered a son. What could be worse than agonizing over the fact that your sins would result in an innocent paying for them? For that innocent to be your child of course. “Please Pat, behave alright?” Anxiety muttered as he got up and turned back to the king. “Sorry… Your majesty. He’s a bit clingy,” the young man offered nervously. “Not your fault. I don’t quite understand why Logic and Deceit would leave the care for such a fussy child to their youngest.” Not quite true, King could perfectly see how they thought they had to concentrate on finding a weapon against him that they hadn’t tried already. But still. One would think that the two oldest should be in charge of protecting both their young ones, instead of letting them wander off into the territory of their enemy. If Anxiety had failed to entertain him with his tale, who knows what he would’ve done to amuse himself during this second visit? Maybe he’d put morality in a bit of a dilemma… He might still do so if he ever needed for Anxiety to see that his ‘dad’ didn’t love him as much as he always claimed. “Taking care of him keeps my mind occupied. I don’t want to give Thomas nightmares or anxiety attacks. He doesn’t deserve to suffer for our messes,” Anxiety explained. King might be mistaken, but that almost sounded accusatory. He elected to ignore it. Once his rule was properly reestablished, he could revisit the subject if at all necessary, which he doubted. “Well, creating art seems to do the trick just as well,” he mused as he called forth another picture. Anxiety guessed what he wanted, looked at the picture and started to talk about the movie night and a popcorn fight, then a duel with cardboard swords and laughing about memories of middle school. The colors once again revealed a pleasant day, with a shadow of self-doubt and fear of abandonment. The shadows showed Anxiety pleading on his knees while Roman threatened him with a sword. This time the frame King made was golden and held roses. “C…Can I ask something milord,” Anxiety asked timidly. “Questions are always welcomed in the realm of creativity,” King decreed. Questions created possibilities. “What happened? Before the split I mean? The other’s won’t ever tell me.” That surprised King. And from the way Morality stiffened, he had to assume it was the truth. They’d really not taken the chance to sway Anxiety’s opinion in their favor? For a moment he considers spinning a grand tale of betrayal and heartbreak, but he found the very thought of recalling the details of the events leading up to the split… unpleasant. “I trusted them and they turned against me because they disagreed with my vision for Thomas,” he informed Anxiety calmly, hoping it was enough for now. “I’m sorry. That… That is terrible,” he whispered hugging Morality closer. The young minister couldn’t see it but there were tears in Morality’s eyes. Which pleased King. Let the bespectacled traitor be afraid this may end up being the last hug he’ll ever receive from his precious Anxiety. Was this why they didn’t tell him? Because they knew that there was no spin they could give to their deeds that wouldn’t destroy the trust they’d built with the one among them who already feared being betrayed. “I… It was a long time ago. I think… Logan seemed very ashamed of what happened. Even Janus seems to feel bad. I’m sure… can’t we all…” Anxiety struggled to express his desires, but a new drawing showed what he wanted. King and Logic shaking hands amidst the others, all back to normal and smiling relieved. Faint shadows of Roman and Remus with an arm around one another’s shoulders right behind King. The fact that his minister’s powers had conjured it showed that the desire felt impossible. King dismissed this drawing in favor of another. Anxiety sighed, accepting that the subject was finished, and continued to regale him with stories of the twins. Sometimes it was a sad memory where the shadows revealed his care and worry for them both. Like a fight over a failed audition where shadow Anxiety was trying to patch up shadow Roman. Or a fight about a nightmare where the shadow of Anxiety was embracing Remus. Then memories of the other’s came. A debate about negative thoughts where shadow Logic laid a hand on shadow Anxiety’s shoulder as a gesture of pride. A staring match with Deceit but their shadows were reaching for each other. One memory had no shadows. The ‘lights’ were in Anxiety’s domain and reaching out for him as he sat huddled in on himself on the ground. The image was conflicted enough on it’s own. Then King picked up a drawing of Morality. “That’s the first time you came to talk to me remember Pat?” Virgil coed to the child who’d been rather quiet during the creation of this gallery. Anxiety recalled how he’d been upset about another fight with Roman and he’d come over and sat with him in silence. Then he’d offered him one of his cookies. It had surprised Anxiety, he knew how much Morality loved his cookies. Sharing one was his standard gesture of love and appreciation. But Anxiety felt like he didn’t deserve either at the time. He felt trapped in a role he didn’t want to play. And because of Morality talking to him that day, for the first time, he thought that maybe he didn’t have to be. Anxiety talked more about how the thought was quickly dismissed as unrealistic but King found that it was hard to focus. The colors revealed a painting of a side being offered a hand by Morality. He didn’t even notice the shadows this time. It was like he was trapped in his own memories. Then suddenly, he was back in the present and heard something beside him. A wailing child and someone gasping for air like they’d ran a marathon at full speed. He looked down and found Anxiety curled up in a ball, rocking back and forth with a crying Morality sitting next to him clutching onto his arm. Before he could wonder what had happened he could feel the others approaching at high speed. He stepped back, not wanting to be found too close to the distressed side. He could not allow them to think for even a moment, that he felt a second of worry for the minister. He didn’t, but he didn’t need the implications of such a show of weakness to bring his strength into question. “Patton! Virgil!” Deceit called out, causing Morality to calm down and just let out a few more sniffles. King set up a disinterested mask and turned to the approaching sides. “Oh good, deal with this. They bore me,” he drawled calmly as he stepped aside. He was barely acknowledged which he normally would take offense in, but he’d let it slide until he knew what had happened just now. And if it had anything to do with that terrible feeling that had struck him when he saw Anxiety’s drawing. Logic kneeled next to Anxiety and Deceit spoke with Logic’s voice. “Virgil, can you hear us?” The boy nodded. “May we touch you?” Another nod and Logic placed his hands on the side’s shoulders. “Breath Virgil, in for 4, hold for 7 out for 8, you can do it.” One more nod and the side started to follow the rhythm that was tapped on his shoulders, stuttering trough the 4th count of holding his breath. “That’s alright, try again.” King observed as the two patiently helped Anxiety to breathe normally again. Somewhere along the line the troubled side started to whisper ‘sorry,’ and ‘so stupid’. “You are not stupid, your feelings are valid and we are here to help you with them. We shouldn’t have left you on your own. Especially not with him around,” Deceit growled, now in his own voice, before turning to King. “I don’t care what you do to me, but leave Virgil out of this! He has nothing to do with this.” Before king could retort. Claim the responsibility and remind Deceit that he’ll play with his minister however he likes, the boy spoke up himself. “Not his fault. Just, random attack,” he muttered. Deceit and King looked down and found Anxiety holding onto Logic with Morality trying his best to stand on wobbly legs while holding onto the purple sash adorning the minster uniform. Logic and Morality were staring at him accusatory, but Anxiety was pleading with Deceit. “You don’t have to defend him Virgil. We know what he’s like… And we’ll do a better job at protecting you now. I swear. Let us look out for you for once, please,” Deceit pleaded. So interesting. For all Anxiety’s fears of being abandoned and betrayed, the others seemed to fear for his safety before their own. Had they changed? Or had Anxiety not yet given them sufficient reason to be muzzled? Or was it his drastic decision of muzzling himself that had made them cautious of messing with his part of their duties? “I’m not. Jan look at me. You’d know if I was lying. He was just listening to me. He didn’t do anything bad. I promise.” Deceit frowned confused. “He didn’t do this to harm you? To cause you to create…” Finally Deceit really looked at what King and Anxiety had been working on and the statue Anxiety had done all by himself. “Virgil what…” “I don’t know, I was listening to music and all this just sort of happened. His majesty was helping me finish some drawings,” he explained, confusing King. Was he… what’s the term? Covering for him? Then Anxiety got up, picking up Morality and looking at Logic who followed his movements, hands hovering around him. As if he were afraid that the younger side would fall apart at any moment. “Please, just go back alright, I’ll be fine. Thanks for helping but you should focus on making sure Thomas is alright,” Anxiety explained bravely, not quite looking at the others. Had recalling all his doubts and fears made him suspicious of the others? This could benefit King greatly. “Run along now. And take Morality. I have matters to discuss with my minister. In private,” King informed Logic and Deceit. Anxiety looked from King back to his tutor and confidant and offered him Morality. Logic shook his head with wide eyes. “Logan, it’s alright. You look after Pat for a minute. I’ll be back soon. Just… Please trust me?” Logic hesitated, sighed in defeat and took the child. He moved to leave, but paused. He turned and laid a hand on Anxiety’s shoulder, a moment passed while the two held each other’s gaze. Anxiety nodded and patted Logic’s hand. “I will be safe. When am I ever not?” Something that would have been a chuckle rippled through Logic’s chest as he stepped away and started walking back to the commons, glancing back every ten steps or so. “Virgil… I…” Deceit started, unable to finish the thought. “I know. I’ll be okay.” And with that final assurance and a distrustful look towards King the last of the traitors left. “Why?” King wondered. It seemed obvious to him that whatever Anxiety just went through was actually meant for him. And not only had he taken the hit, he had covered for him as well. “I’m anxiety, taking on the insecurities and fears of the others is part of my job. I don’t take it all, just the really bad bits when I can take it. And… it took me forever to open up to the others about my own attacks. It wasn’t my place to share about yours. It’s nothing personal. Just me being professional I guess,” he shrugged casually. King allowed himself a small smirk and once again reached out to pat Anxiety’s hair. Once more the boy’s first instinct was to flinch, but he still let him do as he pleased. “Well done my boy. You have potential,” he told him before returning his attention to another drawing, leaving the one of Morality frameless. Later he might tell the little one a bit more about the betrayal. But first. He needed to get to know him better. “Now how about this one.”Being petted like a dog was degrading, humiliating. Trying to not just be civil towards him but formal and respectful was torture. But it was better than what he feared would happen every time the King moved his hand towards him. Virgil didn’t like being changed against his will and this king would do as he pleased with him. Which is why he had to keep him happy and away from the others. He ignored the urge to smile every time he received the king’s praise. He is not going to develop Stockholm Syndrome just because off a few half-baked complements. This guy is still a threat to Thomas… Even if the others, maybe made a mistake in the past and have a hard time owning up to that right now. Fact remained that Virgil’s job was to keep everyone safe. That meant making them not want to decapitate the king over an anxiety attack he hadn’t triggered on purpose. Still… What had triggered the attack?

#Rondoel #king au #sanders sides #Virgil Sanders #king creativity #Patton Sanders #Logan Sanders #Janus Sanders

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