#it’s 2018 all over again…. i CAN believe i lived to see another talented black woman be overlooked for the mediocre work of a white woman

[partynthem]

sza’s masterpiece SOS losing album of the year to tayl*r swift’s boring pop album is literally janelle monae’s magnum opus dirty computer losing to kacey muskrat’s meaningless country album all over again

#call me trigged idc cos you’d be right #SOS was the album of the fucking year sza is the artist of the decade for that one #and to give aoty to taylor fucking swift for an album even swifties think is bad and boring??? oh my god dude #it’s 2018 all over again…. i CAN believe i lived to see another talented black woman be overlooked for the mediocre work of a white woman

[blorbosondeck]

fic rec masterlist

canon divergent/finale fix its

Anamnesis

THIS! FIC! this fic lives in my head rent FREE it is so good and it makes so much sense in the narrative that the shitty finale concocted, as to why they wouldn't mention cas or anyone else and its just. so good and they write chuck in the most villainous way that i love!!!

"Chuck is depowered, Jack is the new god, and the world is free. Dean and Sam get into the Impala and chase down the miles on an endless highway, and their story is finally, finally their own to follow. At least, that's what Dean tells himself. But the diners and motels and painted interstate lines are blurring together and the smallest details keep catching at his brain like tiny fishhooks and he can't quite shake the feeling that not everything is exactly as it should be. Fix-it/alternate series finale. Canon-compliant through the end of 15.19."

Sunset Sound: Stairway to Heaven by @adhdeancas

GOD FUCKING CHRIST this is so good and sweet and im such a sucker for team ups and reunions!!! its 3:30 am rn and i just finished it and i love it SO much it made me laugh a lot and the last few chapters i had the stupidest grin just plastered to my face

The Closer the Star, the Greater the Parallax by @rocksalts​

repressed bastard dean submits to the mortifying ordeal of being known and receives the rewards of being loved but only after some miscommunication i LOVE this i read it last night and it’s a fast favorite. my interests have overlapped and i am INTO it

“When Dean sits down to watch some bullcrap Discovery Channel episode with Cas, he doesn’t expect to actually learn anything. Except, with Cas explaining, he makes an effort to connect the dots.”

Don't We All Deserve To Be Happy?

VERY sweet and a VERY good pick me up. all around feel good fic!!! 

"Post-canon fix-it, divergent from 15x19 where Jack stays and Dean doesn't die and Cas comes back and everyone is happy. Take a shot every time I'm salty about the finale."

Keep Your Love Alive

okay. okay okay okay this may be my favorite finale fix it just because of how well reasoned it is. like this feels what should have happened i love it SO much

"Dean gets to spend eternity sharing beers with Bobby on the Roadhouse porch and riding around in his Baby with Sam. He’s at peace… or he feels like he should be. But a few things nag at him: Where is Cas, and everybody else Dean had been hoping to see in Heaven? Why does he feel like he’s stuck in a loop, reliving the same memories over and over again? And who are the strangers wearing Sam’s and Bobby’s faces?"

The GoldenRod Revisions by @aethylas​

this is one of the most well written things ive ever read. the script format DID make it feel more real and honestly? this is better writing than this show deserves. the finale that could have been ♥️

“A rewrite of Supernatural’s final two episodes, expanded into a five episode arc - in which Chuck needs to be defeated, Castiel deserves to be saved, and the characters in this story get a very different ending.“

Ascend by @wanderingcas​ 

THEE finale fix it fic!!! written by the AMAZINGLY skilled and talented @wanderingcas !!! it’s 50k of angst and hurt/comfort and pure bliss

“Something in the world is wrong.

Demon activity is rising where mysterious black substance oozes and unusual ecological events are shaking the world. Dean, grief hanging on his shoulders, restlessly searches for answers that might lead him to the Empty… and to Cas.

But what Chuck wrote can’t be undone. The narrative thread pulls Dean along, forcing him to comply. Because once a story already has an ending, it can’t be rewritten.

Or can it?”

Things Happen (They Do, And They Do, And They Do) by THEE @sobsicles

i KNOW everyone has already recommended this and likely you’ve all already read it. but it has to go here bc REPRESSIOOOOOOOOON i LOVE this so much it is one of the most perfect things i’ve read. are you bisexual? did you have a kind of weird relationship with your best friend and not realize that how you felt about them wasn’t necessarily how other people felt about them and you were maybe a little bit in love with them but were too repressed to realize it? you’ll feel seen. maybe a little too seen

Closer (isn't close enough)

are you a sweet and sappy yet horny bastard? do you like cas exploding light bulbs? you will like this.

“the one where they finally talk about what cas said before the empty took him”

You and Your Husband

it is exTRMELY sweet!!! repression dean strikes again <3

"Five times Dean corrects someone about his relationship with Cas, and one time he realizes he doesn't need to."

Tall Grass

miscommunication and a slowburn! despite being written in 2017 and finished in 2018, it feels like a fix it. ft. plant obsessed cas <3 

Invictus

a LOVELY and short (relatively) finale fix it

“They saved the world. They're free. It's done.

Except it's not, and carrying on is the last thing any of them are thinking about.

They still have someone they need to save.”

Unchained Link

post finale- it’s a great case fic and i am compelled i want more!!!

"It's after the end of things. Life continues on while Dean is "livin it up" in heaven. But it's never that simple, is it? A freak occurrence sends Dean into another time stranded back on Earth. And he thought his hunting days were over. But, no worries. His knight in shining armor comes to the rescue. Hijinks, therefore, ensue."

fun and time unspecified

Ladies and Gentlemen, This is Love Potion No. 5

very funny and sweet! miscommunication at its finest ♥️

"Cas gets drenched with a mystery potion from the ‘love spell’ shelf and... Dean has a sneaking suspicion, angel or no— the spell may have taken effect. And Cas might be in love with Sam."

The Way We Were

Y'all. It is so good its a great mix of funny and serious- extremely fun to see dean as like a base bisexual

"Dean and Castiel pose as a couple to gain access to a gated community known as 'The Glen', a pleasant if secretive location that the boys believe might be linked to several dead bodies showing up over the years bearing signs of ritualistic sacrifice. All seems well until Dean's memory is affected from an incident during a solo exploration, leaving Dean convinced that their cover story is true. Castiel is left trying to resolve their case without taking advantage of an increasingly enthusiastic Dean"

While You Were Sleeping

this is basically just the movie but replacing sandra bullock with cas. this is my comfort movie and imo, one of the most perfect rom coms. the fic isn’t finished but i still have the tab open on my phone and i will straight up go back and re read it when i need a pick me up. 

aus/rewrites

The Harvelle Gospels: Offscript

i know everyone ever ( @jewishcharliebradbury ) has recommended this fic. and for good reason go fucking read it

“The Apocalypse is averted, the angels are in Heaven, and Jo is free from the threat of possession. Somehow it couldn't be farther from a happy ending.“

absolute riots

An Ineffably Profound Bond

i honestly would have put this in the finale fix it section! look. i know. i know you've been burned by crossover fics before. but this is Thee good omens/spn fic you want. its funny as hell and immensely satisfying. im weak for everyone working together tropes and that is this

"After Chuck sets 'The End' in motion, the remaining members of TFW make a miraculous escape. Not willing to waste any time, Castiel comes up with a plan to travel to one of the other worlds to try and get help from the angels there, but after a fight with Dean, it's the hunter who gets sent into an alternate universe,with seemingly no hope of return.

When a mysterious human with a heavenly weapon shows up in Aziraphale's shop, he and Crowley learn that their world is not the only one. Now it is up to them to decide whether or not they want to join forces with the human and help him save his world or simply find a way to send him home."

Somebody Up There Likes Me by @lafilleredige

cas is hit with a spell that turns his vessel into a woman, hijinks and sexuality crises ensue etc etc sam is a supportive and bitchy little brother and its all SO fucking funny and also. horny as hell i love it i love it i LOVE it

“’Dean doesn’t want to talk about your breasts, it’s making him uncomfortable because he hasn’t acknowledged the complex fluidity of human sexuality.’“

Stray Cat Strut

a long crack fic that IS one of the funniest things i’ve ever read and i can’t explain why. it’s so ooc but its so funny that i don’t care. if you need a laugh you gotta read this

"Sam and Cas are immediately in love with the adorable kitty they find outside the bunker door, and occupy their time planning how to convince Dean--who they believe is off sulking after a botched hunt--to let them keep their cat. Along the way, Dean learns to use a litter box and hears some confessions he maybe wasn’t supposed to hear, all while realizing just how much he loves Castiel.

Now all Dean has to do is convince Cas and Sam their new pet cat is actually him before they do something crazy--like neuter him!"

canon compliant or slight canon divergence

Give

by @doublestuffedimpala post season 7 episode 7, kind of ambiguous ending but truly a cas is happy to bleed for the winchesters fic

Punch Like Bones 

short, post 5x04 homoerotic moment that i wish we’d gotten

#lmao please interact with this i spent so much time on it #i had to go onto desktop for this #ill keep adding on to it #my fic recs #fic rec #spn fic rec #deancas fic recs #charlie.txt

[drarryruinedme7]

Last year I made a post with all my fave Drarry fics from my first year of fandom. Have my second year wrap up! Listed by Rating and then length. 

RATING: TEEN AND UP AUDIENCES

Beautiful by @xx-thedarklord-xx​​ (2017; 8.9k)

Summary: With the second task looming closer, Harry escapes to the Black Lake to open the egg, in the hopes of avoiding Myrtle. The Mersong isn't just helpful in figuring out that Mermaids are real, it attracts his very own handsome Merman.

*I didn’t know I love merpeople AUs until I read this one. It was cute and sweet and I’m really glad I read it. 

Hermione Granger's Hogwarts Crammer for Delinquents on the Run by @waspabi​​ (2017; 93.3k)

Summary: 'You're a wizard, Harry' is easier to hear from a half-giant when you're eleven, rather than from some kids on a tube platform when you're seventeen and late for work.

*What can I say. This is a masterpiece, it absolutely entered my heart to never leave it again. Best AU ever!!!

Away Childish Things by @letteredlettered​​ (2018; 153.8k)

Summary: Harry gets de-aged. Malfoy has to help him.

* This has been the turning point of my Drarry passion this year. First, I discovered Lettered (good Lord why hadn’t I before?!) and then, well. This fic brought out so many feelings in me and I’ve already re-read it something like 5 or 6 times in the span of a few months. Amazing.

RATING: MATURE

you’ve got the antidote for me by Kandakicksass (2018; 20.7k)

Summary: When Harry Potter unintentionally severs their soulbond before it can fully form, Draco Malfoy resigns himself to a slow death and decides not to burden Harry with a soulmate he's made it very clear he doesn't want.He's never been selfless before, but for Harry, he can try.

* The angst!! It’s usually not my cuppa, but this was bittersweet and just so well written, I couldn’t stop reading. Find the rec for this one at this post.

RATING: EXPLICIT

Give Me Sweet Oblivion by @tryslora​​ (2012; 4k)

Summary: Italy seems like a long way to go to keep a fetish secret. But the club is exclusive, and the far away location, and Muggle nature, promises anonymity from Wizarding Britain. The only problem is that sometimes, great minds think alike.

*Super hot, I love finding old gems like this one. Plus, Italy. Go, folks!

Shiny Things, Slightly Damaged by @lqtraintracks​​ (2020; 5.3k)

Summary: Harry may not ever have had to see it if McGonagall hadn’t decided it was a good idea to hold a ceremony on the grounds outside before the Sorting in the Hall. And by ‘it’ he’s referring to Draco Malfoy on a motorbike.

*jsklajdksajfa This one! THIS ONE! Slayed me. I read it feverishly and then like, fainted at Draco on a motorbike.... this fic surprised me and I 100% loved it.

A Ghost of Blissful Feelings by @alpha-exodus​​ (2020; 6k)

Summary: Harry hadn't expected to spend his eighth year fucking Draco Malfoy, but it's the only thing that helps him let go.

*Dunno guys, I’m amazed by how much this one hit me. You should read the tags before diving in, but it was darkish in the right way, Harry and Draco suffers and find peace in a ‘’special’’ way, but I stand by it. Hot and intense.

Tell Me (What you Need) by @keyflight790​​ (2019; 6k)

Summary: Even though Harry was paying for his Dom, there were limits; breaking points in which someone would refuse, no matter how many Galleons were pushed in their direction.

*Okay, I may be biased because this is a gift for me, but Chris never lets down with her amazing writing and this has everything I need and more: Dom!Rentboy!Draco and a perfectly sweet Harry with a Daddy!kink. I mean.

Dangerous by Faith Wood (2014; 6.3k)

Summary: Being trapped in a dungeon with Malfoy — who's a werewolf, a former Death Eater, and a giant git — is definitely dangerous. Harry has no reason to be excited. None at all.

*Y’all know Faith Wood is like my n.1 fave Drarry author. I have no idea why I had never read this one though!!! It’s actually phenomenal, scorching hot and just dsjkafjaks love this werewolf!Draco. OMG.

Scent and Sensibility by aidaninkling (2018; 7.5k)

Summary: [...] Draco's always known he'd be married off as a trophy omega, but suddenly his mother's trying to make him king by promising him to some stupidly good-looking alpha and she just won't stop smiling at him. Does fate's cruelty know no end?!

*This blew my mind. A/B/O AU so hot I melted while reading it and I loved it so much that I re-read it three times IN A ROW. No kidding. Read it. 

The Eighth Tale by @letteredlettered​​ (2012; 12k)

Summary: Draco Malfoy tries to fix the past, but instead mucks it up some more. For Harry, it all becomes quite clear.

*Back to Lettered. I love Time Travel fics, and this just delivered perfectly. The ending was also enigmatic enough to keep me wandering, which I always appreciate in these kind of stories. 

Sex, Lies and Veritaserum by @letteredlettered​​ (2011; 17.9k)

Summary: This entire fic is one long conversation about sex.

*LOL alright, I’ve developed a new obsession this year (clearly). This was ...gosh! Hot but it also gives away a certain level of intimacy and trust between Draco and Harry to be so open about their kinks... it was perfect.

On One’s Knees by pir8fancier (2008; 33.8k)

Summary: The war is over and to the victors go the spoils.

* The fic which made me fall in love with DownAndOut!Draco. 

The Pirate and the Prince by @nerdherderette​ (2019; 49.2k)

Summary: Draco can't believe that fate and circumstance have made him a stowaway on the Master of Death's ship. He doesn't know what's worse: the dread pirate's legendary vendetta against the aristocracy, or the fact that his captor is the most infuriating yet irrefutably fascinating man Draco has ever met.

*Okay y’all. Nerd is a great person and author. She is phenomenal. And this fic shows it so well. The pirate!AU the Drarry fandom both needed and deserved. Sublime.

Unhook the Stars by jad (2016; 70.5k)

Summary: [...] Seventy-thousand words of pornographic discourse between two boys-turned-men that still haven't learned how to communicate like normal people – with words. Guest appearances by Pansy Parkinson, Neville Longbottom, Hermione Granger, Blaise Zabini, Teddy Lupin, Gregory Goyle, the Weird Sisters, ex-wives, several Weasleys, a Boggart, and a Honey Badger.

*Again, Dom!Draco and such a beautiful sub!Harry. They stole my heart. In this fic they grow up together through the aftermath of the war and they just... they have this intense Dom/sub relationship, I can’t... explain how much I loved this. Scorpius also makes his appearance and it’s so real and cute!

Such Great Heights by aideomai (2015; 93.3k)

Summary: Draco Malfoy, wide-eyed and pale and in a decidedly ragged shirt, was crouched next to the pile of whatever the dragon had been eating. Harry threw himself to a halt and yelled, “Merlin, how many times do I have to save your life?”

*This is one of the last ones I’ve read. Find my rec for it here. Such a cool fic, with a shunned Draco who gets to be so happy in the end, it made me happy too.

Burn The Witch by @lettersbyelise​​ (2019; 95.8)

Summary: When Harry Potter is sent in to investigate Draco Malfoy’s successful potions company, posing as Draco’s bodyguard, he doesn’t know the case will launch a series of events that will change his life — and Draco’s. A story about choices, scars, Chopin piano pieces, and finding all kinds of love in the most unexpected places.

*I do not have the words to express what this fic means to me. First of all, it’s how I met Elise who’s an amazing person and who I’m glad to call friend. She’s the sweetest. And also incredibly talented. This fic will take your breath away from the first word to the last one. Smol!Scorpius is perfectly characterised and my absolute favourite bit of the fic. 

Who we are in the shadows by @quicksilvermaid​​ (2019; 99.7k)

Summary: What happens when you’re forced to become the very thing you despise? Ex-Auror Harry Potter, tossed out of the Ministry for something he had no control over, has been looking for a way back to his former life. When he comes across Draco Malfoy in the criminal underbelly of Wizarding London and in need of protection, Harry figures bringing him in to face the Ministry's justice is his ticket back to everything he's lost. But nothing is exactly as it seems. Not even Harry himself. And as he gets drawn further and further into Malfoy's world of honour and deception he finds himself questioning everything he thought he knew—about his childhood nemesis, the Ministry job he misses so much, and most of all, about himself. What happens when you’re forced to see that you were wrong?

*Another incredible person who I got to know better thanks to her breathtaking storytelling and her sweetness for sharing it with me. Quick made something amazing with this fic and I urge you to read it. It was my first creature fic ever, first time I read about werewolves and I totally fell in love with it. Sheer perfection. 

Freedom to be by @quicksilvermaid​​  (2019; 169.5k)

Summary: Harry Potter is the Boy Who Lived. 12 years after the war, he's become the Boy Who Lived For Everyone Else. He has the perfect wife. The perfect house. The perfect job. The perfect friends. Only nothing feels perfect. Until one day he stumbles across a club called Release and begins a journey of self-discovery that takes him to a very different place.

*Well, could I just miss out on another one of Quick’s great works? With, again, Dom!Draco!??? No, I couldn’t! This is such a great exploration of BDSM and what it means and Harry’s path into it. 

19 Years and 5 Minutes Later by TheMightyFlynn (2015; 202.8k)

Summary: Five minutes after his happily-ever-after, Harry finds himself locked in the public loos with an angry Draco Malfoy and a need that he has denied for 19 years.

*Find my rec for this fic here. It’s really long and has Ginny bashing, but it’s totally worth it!! 

#drarry #drarry squad #drarry fic rec #drarry rec #draco x harry #draco malfoy #harry potter #drarry fics #drarry fanfictions #my recs #two years of drarry #amazing authors #amazing stories

[sitp-recs]

Drarry for Beginners: Creature fics

Vampire

In The Red by @bixgirl1 (2018, E, 45k)

When Harry goes looking for a vampire at a Creature club, the second-to-last thing Harry expects is to find Malfoy working there. The last thing he expects is to fall in love with him.

There’s no better word to describe this fic than luscious. Get your body ready for a gorgeous, sexy and bittersweet love story. @bixgirl1 is hands down one of the most talented Drarry authors out there and what she did with the vampire trope here is just amazing. The plot combines complex characters, interesting lore and the most satisfying combo of fast sexual burn and slow emotional development. The chemistry between Draco and Harry is off the charts - complicated sexual tension, confident badass characters and fabulous dialogue balancing the dirtiest talk with the softest yearning. The scenes involving blood drinking are striking and made me salivate despite the fact that I’ve never really cared about this trope in general - that’s how captivating this fic is! And Harry’s arc is so amazing, I really like the final twist that puts him and Draco on a more equal footing. The exquisite narrative, clever plot and sexy times are the perfect way to get seduced into this trope. Come and bask in this juicy and decadent atmosphere!

Veela

Soup-pocalypse and The Great Curry Cataclysm by SquadOfCats (2018, E, 104k)

Eleven years after the war, Draco Malfoy leads a quiet, boring, and perfectly respectable life, thanks very much. Or, at least he does, until a sudden and very unexpected veela awakening causes him to throw soup all over Harry Potter in the middle of the Ministry cafeteria.

I chose this fic early on and kept questioning myself because there are so many great Veela fics out there; but seeing now how most of my other picks are more on the angst side, I’m really happy with my choice as I think it will be quite the refreshing ride. There’s no doubt among Drarry fans that this is one of the greatest, funniest, most endearing Veela stories out there. By the time it was published I wasn’t really into this trope anymore but it still manages to pull me back whenever I need a light-hearted, comforting love story to unwind. Draco’s voice is hysterical and such a joy to read - he’s panicked, chaotic devotion and Harry and I can’t help but find it so charming. The food courting is definitely the highlight here, creative and really fun to read despite Draco’s utter humiliation and Harry’s confused resistance. Then again this is a 100k fic and I love how the author took the time to not only develop their single arcs and relationship, but also to shine light on amazing side characters like Lavender, Teddy, Mipsy. All interactions are great and help creating such lovely “found family” vibes, with a nice twist away from the fuck-or-die scenario I usually see for this trope. Here all characters are given room to struggle with their post-war traumas and grow in the most thoughtful and cathartic way, and I really appreciate it!

Werewolf

Who we are in the shadows by @quicksilvermaid (2019, E, 99k)

What happens when you’re forced to become the very thing you despise? Ex-Auror Harry Potter, tossed out of the Ministry for something he had no control over, has been looking for a way back to his former life. When he comes across Draco Malfoy in the criminal underbelly of Wizarding London and in need of protection, Harry figures bringing him in to face the Ministry's justice is his ticket back to everything he's lost.

I know I’m not speaking only for myself when I say that this is THE werewolf fic. This glorious masterpiece is what finally pulled me back into Drarry last year, when I was 100% dedicated to another fandom. My jaw literally dropped as I watched in awe the brilliant and intriguing plot revealing itself - there’s a dark and mysterious investigation, breathtaking sexual tension and Harry’s devastating inner battle towards self-forgiveness, healing and acceptance. His loyalty towards Teddy is so touching it broke my heart a bit. It’s fascinating to notice how these boys ooze competence on the job while struggling under the surface. The possessive pining and scorching hot smut are a fantastic bonus and set the perfect mood for this fic, intense, hungry and captivating. Draco is a brilliant and interesting character; his arc and career choice are one of my fave takes since reading “The Boy Who Only Lived Twice” by lettered, which tells you just how genius this is. A deliciously mature and atmospheric healing story, with a gorgeous ending full of hope and understanding. I’d give anything to obliviate myself and experience it for the first time once again 💗

Bonus

There Is Always the Moon by @firethesound (2016, T, 159k)

Draco's life after the war is everything he wanted it to be: it's simple, and quiet, and predictable, and safe. But when a mysterious curse shatters the peace he'd worked so hard to build, there's only one person he can trust to help him. After all, Harry Potter has saved his life before. Now Draco has to believe that Potter will be able to do it one more time. (A remix of If the Sun Goes Black by pasdexcuses)

If fake dating doesn’t come with this glorious amount of world building and an intriguing mystery, what is even the point? I’m not big on creature fics but wow, @firethesound creates a gripping and lovely universe that worms its way inside your heart. This is A+++ storytelling with charming mundane moments, the slowest of burns and a carefully crafted, detailed plot. I love how the initial slice of life becomes a case fic mixed with sweet pining and domesticity. Their voices are fantastic and it’s a delight to follow sassy Harry and oblivious Draco pulling off a fake dating heist while investigating the mystery haunting Draco’s life. We see how their relationship matures over time, the slow realization of changing feelings, the doubts and heartbreak and wonder of being loved in return. Their married life is tender and soft, and my favorite bits are the small things: their birthday gifts to each other, the contingency plans and all the meta jokes such as Draco not speaking French for once lol. This story takes a bittersweet turn towards the end so brace yourself for some angsty times - I promise a worthy ride and a hopeful ending!

#drarry for beginners #Creature fics

[karimjohnson]

Falling: What If I’m Someone You Won’t Talk About?

Hey guys! Here’s another one for you all! It’s sad just like the last one! I hope you all like it as much as Cherry. This one is a bit long too lol. Thank you all for reading and sharing my stories. It really makes me feel good to know that you all are enjoying my stories! Please feel free to message me any ideas that you may have or something that you want to see me write! I will write any idea you come up with. I love to include you all into my writing. So don’t be shy! Like I said before, this Fine Line Series is on the top of my list to finish. But ideas are always welcome here. As soon as I finish this series, I will upload some other imagines for you all to read. I will add them to the master list once this is done. Much Love- K

Summary: You and Harry have been broken up for a couple of months. You have an interview for an upcoming movie you are starring in. You are going on the Late Late Show with James Corden. He asks you questions related to the movie but then he brings up some questions about you and Harry. You haven’t really talked about Harry to the public before, even when you two were still together. So you get really nervous to talk about his post break-up. But James surprises you with Harry’s new music video and song that an anonymous fan requested to play for you. As you watch the video, you notice someone in the crowd but you can’t quite place who it is. But James has an even bigger surprise for you after the show. 

Pairing: Harry x Reader

Rated: PG

Masterlist

Being in the lime-light is difficult when it comes to relationships. Your schedule becomes extremely busy and even if you aren’t working, you are still working. Paparazzi are everywhere you go. It becomes difficult to hide your personal life. It ruins the intimacy for you and your partner sometimes. You feel responsible for protecting your loved ones when it comes to the public eye. It’s hard to keep up with relationships when everyone in the tabloids tries to tear you down. Fans are amazing. They are the reason you keep following your dreams. But other fandoms can tear down your confidence when it comes to their idol. But hey, that’s the price of fame. Not everyone will love you and not everyone will be rooting for you.

For me though, being a young actress and dating a mega superstar was so hard. I was super close with Harry before we dated. Our friendship started around the end of One Direction and through his making of his first solo album. We were best friends and I supported him through the end of One Direction. He was super nervous about releasing his first solo album. I told him that it will be worth it and everyone will still love him the same no matter the outcome. It became one of the top albums that year. He was so happy and I couldn’t deny how proud of him I was.  

We stayed close together when he went on tour that year for the album. I tried my best to go out to his shows. It was a little difficult with me being in a few shows. Eventually, when he took his time off after touring, we reconnected and started dating in 2018. It became difficult to keep our relationship private. Everyone was watching us to see what would happen between us. Fans were blowing up online about us. Supporting us and others were jealous. It just comes with the business. I was trying to stay confident for Harry and our relationship. But it became difficult when the tabloids started saying they spotted Harry with other girls here and there. I’m not one to read into those things. Especially when I trusted Harry. I never once doubted his loyalty to me.

    But as the tabloids went on, it became difficult for me to hang on to what we had. Then I got offered a job for a big movie that was coming out. Harry began to dabble into his second solo album. Our schedules became harder to see each other with our separate projects. Then one night, I got a call from a mutual friend of ours. They told me that they went out to a bar and saw Harry there. He was hammered and apparently was flirting with some other girl there. I was heartbroken at the news. I was panicking around my home trying to figure out why he would do such a thing. I tried calling him a few times and texting him, but I got no response out of him that night. I got zero sleep. Thankfully, I didn’t have work the next day.

    When I woke up the next day, that’s when the pictures and videos were uploaded online of Harry’s scandal. I read the tabloids for once and watched the videos. I couldn’t believe my eyes. I was so broken. My heart was aching as I laid in bed all day. I cried and ignored everyone who tried to check on me… Even Harry. Later that night, I decided to check my phone. I read all of Harry’s messages. He was upset and apologizing left and right for what he had done. I told him that I couldn’t forgive him and that it hurt too much for me to keep this relationship going. I had to protect myself for once. I loved Harry whole-heartedly and I loved everything about him. We had so much fun together and laughed so hard at our horrible jokes. But it was like all of that was gone now.

I didn’t recognize him anymore. I trusted him with the most fragile parts of me. It felt like none of that mattered now. We broke up and the tabloids kept reeling in on why we broke up. Paparazzi followed us both everywhere and asked horrible questions about why we weren’t together anymore. I decided to focus on myself and my career and I suppose Harry did the same. He ended up releasing his second album this October. I listened to a few songs and watched the music videos even though my heart hurt and yearned for him. I was still going to support him. He was someone I always looked up to in my career.

Now, after a few months my movie was about to come out. I was busy with meetings and interviews with my cast mates. That’s what I always did when I went through a break-up. I just throw myself into my work and focused on my career when shit hits the fan. Tonight, I was going to be on James Corden to talk about the movie I was starring in. I was super excited because James was always someone that could make me laugh. He was always so sweet and kind to me. I was in my dressing room watching the show. I was in a shiny, navy blue dress that stopped at my thighs and some black heels. My hair was pinned back to show off the sliver hoops in my ears. My make-up was natural, but it still made my eyes pop. I was playing with my bracelets nervously waiting for my que to head towards the stage.

    They were on a commercial break when I heard a knock on the door. The stage manager peaked their head in and smiled, “Places Ms. Y/L/N.” I smiled up at them and took a deep breath. I stood from the couch and followed them to the stage. There were a few crew members adjusting my mic for me. I smiled and thanked them looking over to the stage manager. They started to count down to signal that they were live again. “My next guest is incredibly talented and a truly wonderful young woman. She is starring in the new thriller movie called ‘The Chase’. Please welcome, Y/N Y/L/N everybody,” James spoke and the curtains pulled back for me to walk out on stage. I smiled bright and big walking out while the crowd cheered for me. I giggled and waved as I made my way over to James who was standing up beside his desk to pull me into a warm hug.

    I open my arms wide and wrapped them around him. “Oh, it’s so good to see you,” I said as I pulled away and took seat on the couch next to his desk. “It’s always a pleasure to have you here,” James spoke with a huge contagious smile. I blushed looking down feeling my nerves calming slightly. “So, you have been busy,” James spoke up breaking my nerves from taking over. “Yeah, I’ve been very busy,” I nodded looking at him gleaming with joy. “You are in this movie and I couldn’t be more excited to see it. I have been waiting for this moment! You have starred on many T.V. shows on and off. How does it feel going into the movie business,” James asked while leaning forward on his desk. I giggled and nodded along with him in excitement. “It’s definitely different for me,” I blushed looking at my bracelets.

    “I haven’t been around such a huge set before and it was so incredible to see how this story unraveled on set. It was interesting to see how everything comes to life with a movie script. Obviously with T.V. show sets, they aren’t as big as you would think. You don’t always get to do cool adventurous things like a movie. So, it was really amazing to be out of my element and learn new things about myself along with filming,” I smiled big to James and the audience who were in awe of my explanation. “Oh, of course. It’s completely different and so amazing with the story telling. So, tell us a little about the movie and who your character is in the film,” James said taking a sip of his water.

    I smiled and looked to the audience, “Well this movie is a huge thriller. There is a lot of action in the film. ‘The Chase’ is about a girl named Claire Bennett which is my character in the film. She finds out that her family is being held captive by these group of investors that meet with her dad early on in the film. She basically fights to save her family and it begins a huge chase/countdown to save her family.” The crowd ‘oo’ed and ‘aw’ed at my description of the movie without giving too much away. “That just sounds incredible,” James smiled big and looked to his cards. “I heard that you did all of your own stunts in this movie. Is that true,” he asked shocked and very interested in this rumor.

    I laughed and nodded slowly, “Yeah, that is actually true. I wanted to try something new for once. I met with the director and told him that this is my first big movie. I want to give it my all and I want to make him proud of my role. He was super cool about that and very happy to hear that I would be willing to learn something so difficult. We ended up finding the perfect stunt trainer for me and I started working with her. I’m so grateful for her and I’m definitely proud of myself for trying something so out of my comfort zone. I personally think it will make the film that much more great to see someone so devoted to their character.” James was stunned and started clapping. He stood up out of his chair and the crowd began to cheer with him.

    I laughed and waved everyone off. “That is just brilliant. I love your devotion in fully taking something on like that. We actually have the never-before seen trailer right here. I’m so happy you chose our show to release this trailer. Here it is,” James says pointing to the camera men to switch it over to the trailer. The lights dimmed for the audience to watch on a big screen. I smiled and looked at the screen with so much passion. It was incredible to see this came to life. I peered around everyone’s faces to see their reactions. Everyone seemed to be on the edge of their seats and that was the best reaction to hope for. I giggled as it came to an end and the lights came back up. James’s mouth hung open in amazement and looked to me. “That was incredible. We are going to take a short break and we will be right back to ask some more questions with Y/N,” James smiled to the camera and we went to break.

    As we took a break, I reached for my water and took a sip. “I just want to tell you how proud I am of how far you have come Y/N,” James spoke as we sat there waiting for us to go live again. I smiled and felt tears stinging my eyes. “Thank you, James. That means the world to me really,” I smiled and reached his hand holding it tight. He smiled and squeezed my hand, “Any time love.” I giggled and the management gave us the signal we were going live again. I smiled and leaned back on the couch holding my water. They counted down from three and pointed to James. “Welcome back to the Late Late Show. I’m here with Y/N Y/L/N and we are going to ask some more questions to get to know her a little better. We just discussed her new movie coming out and showed the trailer for the movie. Let’s get a little more in depth with who she is,” James smiled and the crowd cheered agreeing to his suggestion.

    I felt myself growing nervous again and smiled to everyone. “So, what do you like to do outside of work Y/N,” James asks with a smile. “Well, I love to read a good book or write in a journal. I love to spend time with my friends and family when I get free time as well. I try to keep myself grounded,” I giggle as he nods. “Now, have you been dating since your break-up from the mega popstar and one of my great friends Harry Styles,” he asked raising an eyebrow. I felt my heart slowly sink to my stomach at the sound of Harry’s name. I bit my bottom lip and looked down. I know the crowd is on the edge of their seats waiting for this answer. “Not recently no. I have been quite busy with interviews with my cast mates and promoting the movie,” I smiled a small smile trying to ignore this feeling of being sick.

“Now, I know that it is a touchy subject talking about him. But you and him haven’t spoken publicly since the break-up about each other. Why is that,” he asked leaning back a little. I could see the nerves in his face. I looked off to my management and back to him. My hands started sweating as I set my cup down on the table in front of me. “Well, Harry and I started out as great friends. I think that our friendship and relationship was something so personal to us. I know that I haven’t spoken about it because I believe we are both healing from what we went through. I believe that neither of us have anything bad to say about one another. It’s just a little touchy for us and being in a relationship in the public eye is difficult you know,” I say looking down breathlessly. My heart was all the way to my stomach now.

I swallow hard as I gathered myself and looked to James with a little smile. “I can understand that, yeah. Have you listened to his new album Fine Line at all,” James asked trying to give me a reassuring smile. “I have heard a couple of songs here and there. It has been hard for me to sit down and listen to it with my schedule, but I still support him whole-heartedly. He is super talented and I will always be one of his biggest fans. I plan on listening to it all the way through very soon though,” I nod to him and casually wipe my palms along my dress. “Well, today he released a music video for his song called ‘Falling’. It sounds like something you may want to hear. Do you mind if we play the video,” James asked leaning forward and looking out to the crowd. The crowd roared and pleaded with me to say yes.

I can’t lie I was slightly curious as to what the song is about. I was also curious to see what the video looked like. I bit my lip again and looked to my management. They shrugged with a small smile telling me it was my call. I looked to James again and nodded, “Sure, I am a bit curious.” James smiled humbly and nodded to the camera men to play the video. As the song starts, Harry is sitting on a floor with water pouring in around him. He is leaned against a wall soaking wet breathing deeply. It pans to his hand on the piano and then a full body shoot of him laying along the piano bench.

I felt my heart pick up speed as I listened to the lyrics and felt tears at the brim of my eyes. That’s when he starts singing the chorus and the pain in his eyes isn’t hard to miss as he looks into the camera. “What am I now? What am I now? What if I'm someone I don't want around? I'm falling again, I'm falling again, I'm fallin' What if I'm down? What if I'm out? What if I'm someone you won't talk about? I'm falling again, I'm falling again, I'm fallin'.” My throat felt dry and like it was closing up now. I felt like I couldn’t breathe just watching this video. He was in pain and he was beautiful all in one. The water begins to rise in the video and can’t stop my eyes from letting the tears fall as the memories start to replay in my mind…

-Flashbacks-

         *** It was a rainy night in L.A. Harry had come over and we were watching some random rom-com that he chose while I made the popcorn. We were curled up on the couch wrapped up in each other in a blanket along the couch. He was running his fingers through my hair as I watched the movie happily. He leaned down and started kissing my jawline and then down to my neck causing me to giggle at the feeling of his lips. He started to chuckle softly and ran his hand up my side. I felt myself stiffen at his touch afraid that he will start to tickle me. That’s when he stopped, looking me dead in the eyes. I couldn’t help but get lost in the jade green eyes of his. They always captivated me.

         He then started to tickle me causing my whole body to jolt and squirm. Our laughter filled the air not caring about the movie anymore. I was squealing and trying to tell him to stop but he wouldn’t. He was determined to leave me breathless. Finally, after tickling me enough he slowed his fingers down. He started rubbing my sides gently to let me catch my breath. I looked up at him and smiling while panting. “What was that for,” I asked looking up at him with a playful smile. “I just love to hear you laugh,” he smiled big down at me and leaned down kissing my lips.***

*** I then began to picture him getting ready backstage in his dressing room at one of his concerts. I was drinking some tequila on the rocks watching him change. I was taking in all his features and how his tattoos shaded his toned body perfectly. I was so in love with this man. I could look at him for hours on end. I blushed when he turned to look at me. “What is it babe,” he asked looking at me raising his eyebrows. I looked down shaking my head and giggling, “Oh nothing.” I waved him off and he just smirked strutting towards me. “You know, it’s not polite to stare princess,” he had walked around the couch I was sitting on and leaning behind me. I could feel his hot breath against my ear as he spoke the words.

I squeezed my thighs together at the sound of his voice as he brushed my hair back. He attached his lips to my neck and I felt myself fall back against the back of the couch. I was in a trance at the feeling of his lips and hot breath against my skin. “Mm, I can’t wait get you alone after the show princess,” he smiled across my skin and I moaned softly looking to him. He pulled his lips from my neck and to my lips. I smiled into the kiss and pulled back slightly, “If only I can wait that long.” He chuckled and his stylist waved at us. “Hey lovebirds, I hate to break up the love-fest, but we need to get you dressed Harry,” she smiled at the sight of us and we both blushed this time. “Later, I promise,” he whispered to me and I nodded trying to hold it all in.***

*** I remembered the time we were at Harry’s place cooking dinner together. He had turned on some music and we both sang loudly with one another. We were laughing and dancing around the kitchen. He then pulled me into his arms and spun us around the kitchen. I giggled and held onto him as he dipped me down. I looked up at him with a lopsided grin. He chuckled and pulled me back up leaning our foreheads together. “You know I love you right,” he smiled down at me. I nodded slightly and placed my hands on his cheeks, “And I love you Harry.” He grinned and kissed my whole face causing us to break out in a fit of giggles.

*** The day the tabloids flooded online with the proof of Harry cheating on me was the hardest. I was unable to move in bed. I felt like I was glued down to the mattress. I couldn’t wrap my mind around the fact that he touched someone else the way he touched me. I couldn’t wrap my mind around the fact that he kissed someone the way he would kiss me. The fact that he had the nerve to take her back to his hotel crushed every ounce of me. He decided to be intimate with someone other than me. It hurt me because he had touched me in ways no other guy has. He taught me incredible things about how to make my body feel the way he made it feel. He took me to euphoria in our intimate moments. How could he throw that all out the window for some random girl?

My mind raced with so many questions that I honestly wasn’t sure I wanted the answers to. Was it worth? Was she good? Was she better than me? Did she make him feel the way I did? Was he faking it this whole time with me? Did he really love like he said he did? Why did he have to do it like this? Was he bored of me? Was he tired of me? Was he mad about our schedules? Was he just lonely and decided on someone random? Did he ask her to meet him there? Was this all just planned out to hurt me? Why me? Did he still love me even though he made his bed? How could this be the end? Who was he now? Do I even recognize him anymore?

There was a day we met up after our break-up to try and discuss things that popped into my head. We went to the Beachwood Café and sat there both unsure of what to say. “I-I didn’t mean for this to happen…,” he said softly. I felt my heart crack and I was unable to look at him. Who was this person sitting in front of me? “It was a mistake Y/N. I was drunk and I don’t know what had gotten into me. I was stupid,” he whispered trying to hold back his tears. I sniffled and tried my best not to cry. “Harry… I don’t think I can trust you… not now. You made the choice to leave with her and take her back to your hotel,” I felt a single tear begin to fall down my cheek. “Y/N… don’t say that please… I love you and I don’t want to lose you… not like this,” he was full blown crying now. “I’m sorry Harry… I just can’t right now,” I sniffled as my heart chipped away at the crack in his voice.

“Please don’t go…,” he sobbed quietly and I couldn’t bring myself to look him in his eyes. I took a shaky breath and looked down at my hands that were gripping the bottom of my hoodie. “I’m sorry Harry… I loved you and I cared a great deal about you…but I need to be alone right now… I don’t know what to say to you… I don’t even recognize you right now…,” I whispered as tears just spilled out from my eyes. Harry sobbed as I finally stood from our table. I slid my sunglass down so no one bothered me on my way out. If that was even possible at this time with our break-up still fresh in the public eye.

As I turned to leave, I felt his hand reach from mine. That was the breaking point for me. His touch. I didn’t want to be touched by him after his mistake. It made me feel disgusted with myself. It made the questions grow louder in my head and I clenched my hand into a fist before he had the chance to interlace our fingers. My heart finally shattered as his hand wrapped around my wrist and the words left his mouth. “Who would I be without you? What if I’m someone I don’t want around Y/N,” his voice was shaky and it cracked again. “I have to go…,” I whispered looking down to my feet. I gently pulled my wrist out of his grasp and headed out of the door making a beeline to my car. ***

-End of Flashbacks-

         As I pull myself out of my head, I look back up to the screen as the water rises around Harry as the bridge of the song cuts in. “And I get the feeling that you'll never need me again,” he sang and there was the shatter in my heart once again. I needed Harry. I will always need Harry. This song was about us. It was about his mistake and how he was hurting due to his own actions. He admitted it in his lyrics. I was trying to hold back my sobs as James looked over to me and handed me his handkerchief. I thanked him softly and started to wipe my tears away. Harry was now completely under the water. He was drowning. The music went silent and he was just sitting at the piano in pain. I looked out into the crowd to see how everyone else was doing with the song and video to distract myself from falling more apart than ever.

         I was watching some reactions. Some people were wiping their faces and sniffling. Others were mesmerized by Harry’s lyrics or just him in general. I bit my bottom lip to keep it from quivering still scanning the audience. I noticed a familiar figure sitting with a hand over his mouth and his hood was up. It looked like he was wearing sunglasses because the screen was reflecting off the lenses. I turned back to the screen at the sound of Harry’s voice.

         I felt the pieces of my heart crumbling in my chest as I watched him on the big screen. How could he still be so handsome even though he was broken in this video? He was floating gracefully underneath the water as his shirt floated around him. I wanted to just reach in the water and pull him out. As the video ended, the lights came back up and looked down still wiping my face. “Well, that was… heartbreaking,” James says softly and looks to the audience. I knew everyone’s eyes were on me now. I was just trying to gather my thoughts and make the tears come to a halt so I could speak up. “Are you alright love,” James asks holding out his hand for me. I nodded slightly and giggle to reassure everyone. “Yes, I’m alright. Just wasn’t expecting it to be as deep as it was,” I smiled up at him taking his hand. “I understand. I think we all can understand that. I just felt you needed to hear that song in particular from the album,” he smiled sweetly at me as I nodded at his thoughtfulness.

         “I appreciate that. It was an amazing song,” I say softly as he rubbed the back of my hand. “I just want you to know that this was an idea sent to me anonymously to surprise you in a way,” James looked out to the crowd and I followed his gaze to the crowd. I noticed the man that I saw before the video ended. He in fact, had his hood up and sunglasses on. I still couldn’t tell who it was underneath, but I felt like I knew them. I turned my attention back to James with a small smile. “Well, whoever it was I really appreciate it. It was kind of them,” I nodded. “We will be right back after this short break. Don’t go anywhere,” James said to the cameras. They cut to the commercial and I stood hugging James tightly.

         As we pulled away, James held my shoulders keeping me in place. “Listen, I hope I didn’t cross any lines with tonight. I really am proud of you and everything that you are becoming in this industry,” James spoke softly to me. I nodded and smiled, “No you didn’t cross any lines. I think it was about time I talked about Harry and I for once. It has been a couple months post break-up. I will say I was surprised with his song and video.” James laughed lightly and nodded. “I was too when I got the request to play it for everyone and especially you. Would you mind staying until after the show? I have a special surprise for you,” James smiled a hopeful smile. “Sure, thank you. I will be in my dressing room until then,” I giggled and hugged him once more.

         As I waited in my dressing room, I watched the rest of the show. James played a game with the audience before the show came to an end. I waited patiently with my management that praised me for doing so well with the interview, even if I did cry. They told me how I handled everything well when it came to Harry. I didn’t give too much away and that made me feel a little better. I was a little anxious while waiting on James to come back to the dressing room to give me my surprise. I felt like even my management knew something about it when I asked what they thought it might be. They didn’t really say much when I asked. I just shrugged it off as I played with my bracelets.

         There was a knock on the door and I stood pulling myself out of my thought about Harry’s song. I opened the door and there stood James with a warm smile. “Y/N, would you mind following me out to the stage,” he asked holding out his arm for me to take. I tilted my head at first confused. No one was here now, so why did we need to go back out to the stage area? “Sure,” I smiled and put my arm in his as he led us back towards the stage. We talked about the rest of the show here and there on the way. I was feeling even more nervous as we approached the curtains. “I will let you walk out there for your surprise. I have a few things to finish up in my dressing room with my management. Is that okay,” he asked stopping us and I pulled my arm away.

         “Yeah, I should be fine with that,” I said feeling very confused now. “Okay great,” he smiled and turned to walk away. I stood there for a minute trying to figure out why he wasn’t coming out to the stage with me. I shook my head slightly and slowly opened the curtain. I walked out and there stood the guy in the hoodie. He had his back towards me and was shuffling his feet around. I bit my bottom lip nervously trying to figure out why he was here. “Hey, is this my surprise? Are you the one that requested James to play the video during the show,” I asked nervously as I slowly made my way to the random guy. I saw him straighten his shoulders and stop his movements.

         I stopped a few feet behind him still curious as to why he was dressed this way. He slowly turned with his head down, “Um, yeah that was… that was me.” His voice shocked me slightly because he sounded just like… “Harry?” I asked the guy as his hands reached for his sunglasses pulling them off. He let his hood fall and finally looked up at me. My heart started to pick up speed at the sight of him. His eyes were still a little bloodshot… like he had been crying? “Yeah… I know that this is a bit sad of me to do. But I wanted to show you that I miss you and that I’m truly sorry for hurting you. Writing my second album was really tough when I lost you. So, I wrote about us. I wrote that song about our break-up and I knew that I had to make a video to show the world and you, how I was truly feeling after my mistake…,” Harry spoke looking down while playing with his sunglasses nervously.

         “I know that this is a bit much and it was probably hard on you. I saw how you reacted to the video. You were crying and I didn’t want to upset you more. I’m just really sorry. I’m stupid for ever letting you down. I was stupid for doing something unforgiving. I was stupid to let myself slip into someone you couldn’t trust anymore. It was all my fault and I take full responsibility for everything,” he sniffled and I could see the tears filling his eyes again. I didn’t realize that I was crying now too. He looked like he was going to break into a million pieces. He looked like he could crumble if I touched him. I slowly walked up to him and stopped in front of him. He looked up to me with his bottom lip quivering now unsure what to do with his self.

         “I told you that day… I didn’t know who I would be without you. I had to realized that I didn’t want to be that person who hurt the only good thing in his life. Sure… I love my fans and my music. I love my family and my friends, but most importantly… I love you. I was surprised that you even talked about me. I just miss having you around. And I’m willing to do whatever it takes to get back to where we used to be. To show you that I will never do that to you again. To build your trust back up,” he whispered looking down into my eyes. I placed my hand against his cheek and softly rubbed it with my thumb wiping his tears away. “I love you Harry,” I whispered and his whole face crumbled into a sob as he leaned his forehead to mine.

         He wrapped his arms around my waist pulling me into him and squeezing me tightly. I shushed him as he tried to steady his breathing. I wanted to just hold him together, but he was slowly crumbling into me. “God… I missed you so much… I missed your voice…,” he said as he buried his face into my neck. I ran my fingers through his tousled curls trying my best to keep him together. “I missed you too. And your voice,” I said softly, smiling to myself. He pulled back a little after calming his-self down again. He looked down into my eyes and then to my lips. I leaned up in his embrace and brought my lips to his. Our lips connected and there was that familiar spark again.

         After all this time, the flame and the spark never disappeared. After all this time, he was still the only person who could make me feel this way. He deepened the kiss by picking me up slightly off the ground and I felt him smile against my lips. He placed me gently back down and pulled back leaning his forehead to mine again. “So, can we start over? One step at a time,” he asked rubbing my cheeks with his thumbs. I looked at him and we heard someone from behind us. “Oh, please say yes,” James said and we both turned to see the crew and management watching us with tearful and hopeful eyes. We both started blushing and laughing at the sight of our friends waiting for my answer. I turned back to look at Harry, “Yes, one step at a time.” He smiled and pulled my lips back to his as he spun me around happily.

#Harry Styles #harrystyles #harry styles imagine #harry smut #harry imagine #harry styles preferences #fine line #Fineline #falling #sad #sad story #harry x reader #harry x y/n

[babytsum]

wanna be - m. atsumu

friends to lovers atsumu fluff because i said so.

warnings: none, just unedited so might be a lil sloppy lol, mention of konoha x reader (they go on like one date)

word count: 3.5k

wanna be by the internet (2018)

he remembers you from onigiri miya.

your baggy jeans, loose t shirt, eyebags. he remembers it all down to the way you stuffed your face with onigiris to the neon lights the shined outside. you were pretty, but he was indifferent. after all, he was miya atsumu, a player both on and off the court.

to you, he was miya atsumu, osamu's brother. and miya osamu was simply a friend who owned a restaurant and understood the crushing pressure of being a student with a part time job that struggled to pay rent. besides, one day you'd pay him back because you were one smart cookie, though he didn't know in what way. however, he did notice how atsumu made an effort to avoid eye contact while you introduced yourself. he didn't miss the color that made its way to his cheeks when you held your hand out for him to shake.

and he sees you again waiting outside his team's gym after practice.

that day, your hair was tied back. you wore a long coat that went down to your calves and loose black clothing under it. did you always wear loose clothes? you smiled and waved in his direction and his heart skipped a beat. he waved back excitedly until he turned around and saw hinata jumping up and down at the sight of your happy self. turns out, you were karasuno's manager in high school. atsumu, usually confident and cheerful, now sunk into his sweater while his teammate introduced you to the rest of the group.

"i know atsumu. i met him at onigiri miya a few weeks ago."

he nodded as you spoke. he barely knew you, but your presence had a significant effect on him, one that was beyond what he can describe.

so maybe he goes over to his brother's restaurant more, once or twice a week.

"so, how do you know hinata?" stupid question. hinata literally told everyone like a week ago.

"i went to karasuno and became the team manager for their volleyball team," you answered anyways, how sweet of you, "i actually got to see you and osamu play at nationals. that's where i first met him."

all of the sudden, atsumu wishes that he paid more attention to the pretty managers of the opposing teams. although, he does thank whatever higher power is out there that he got to meet you at some point and curses osamu for not telling him about you at all.

"i didn't know you knew (y/n) in high school."

"what do you mean?"

"i just didn't know that she was a team manager and all that, you know? i feel kind of bad for not knowing she existed."

"oh she definitely existed. who do you think i made extra bento boxes for when we went to tokyo?"

"those weren't mine?"

hinata invites you to watch him practice and he doesn't know if its a curse or a blessing.

on the one hand, you can see all of his talented sets and gameplay. on the other, he usually reached peak idiot during practices, at least that's what sakusa would tell him.

that's not going to stop you from sitting down and letting out a cheer for hinata's, and even bokuto's, spikes. you knew that shoyo and kotaro loved the support they got. it gave them motivation, made them perform better. of course, the team wouldn't mind that.

atsumu just wishes he got a few cheers or smiles from you.

the next time you see him, he's sucking face with some hot model with a drink in hand at a party that shoyo brought you to. you weren't surprised. you were close enough to osamu to hear him rant about his brothers antics, so you brush it off like usual when seeing two people getting a little busy. after all, you were here to take a break from studying

by the middle of the party, you're tipsy and cheering on bokuto who was shaking ass to hot girl summer. hinata is passed out on the couch in a fetal position while kageyama sits down and stuffs his face with rice. osamu joins him and witnesses the mess that is you and bokuto. atsumu looks disheveled and everyone already knows why, all of you just hope that the room he went to earlier was not the master bedroom.

"tsumuuuuu," you slurred as you spoke, a happy smile plastered on your face, "you're a manwhoreeeeee."

"what?"

"i'm joking, but also not," you kissed the tip of his nose, "you're a very nice boy."

he didn't know whether to be offended or flustered, especially with the combination of your little antics and the alcohol in his system, which only resulted in a strong of incoherent words that entertained osamu.

"man, i really wish you met her in high school. she was way worse." kageyama added, memories of you blatantly flirting with your close friends for fun.

"she really was. i believe the first thing she ever said to suna was 'holy fuck, how do you look so fucking hot while shoving those jelly sticks in your mouth?'" osamu laughed, the image of his teammate's red face playing in his mind, "the (y/n) you know is more tame, a stressed college student with a low alcohol tolerance."

you gave bokuto's ass another smack as you giggled at the way his ass jiggled. having athletic friends is fun, especially when the stress from your graduate studies needs to be relieved and their pro player money literally prevents you from paying for your own food. you were lucky.

the day after, you drive to the gym you knew they would be practicing at. of course, sakusa had the common sense to not drink the night before practice. his other three teammates did not.

atsumu is the first one to spot you, a big bag in hand, your hair tied back, another pair of loose jeans and a plain t shirt. it's more different from the flattering plants and small top you wore last night, but he wonders how you can look like this after a night of drunken fun. it was almost like you were glowing.

hinata greeted you first, taking your bag and thanking you for the food.

"are your heads okay?"

"i think i died last night."

"you die every time there's alcohol at a party, shoyo."

"hey!"

sakusa snickered while the rest tried their best to hide their laughs. you weren't wrong, though. shoyo does end up passing out on someone's couch after some energetic dancing.

"what about you, tsumu?"

"i don't remember anything that happened except for bo's ass."

"not even the hot blonde girl?"

"the what?" again, everyone failed to contain their laughs.

"you manwhore!" you chuckled, handing him his bento box.

"you should have seen how red he got when you kissed his nose!" bokuto chimed in.

"i did that?" your smile faded, "sorry, if i made you uncomfortable, tsumu."

"it's okay, i don't remember it." he lied.

the memory replayed in his mind again and a foreign feeling came over him. it was warm.

the next time he sees you, you're at osamu's house to taste test his new food. it's osamu's classic duo, his dear brother that loves to freeload off of him and his stressed grad student friend who also likes free food.

when atsumu walks in, you motion for him to sit next to you while stuffing your face. you're wearing baggy clothes again and he's pretty sure that you slept with your makeup still on from the night before.

"osamu, if you keep cooking like this, i think i might marry you."

"gross."

"what's gross about marrying the hotter twin?" you turned to atsumu, a smirk on your face.

"we look exactly alike."

"yeah, but he cooks."

atsumu couldn't argue with that. you were funny. you were always funny and warm even when talking down to him like this. and it made his heart beat faster, his face a little redder, his smile a little brighter.

fuck.

"i can cook."

"yeah, a pack of cup noodles." osamu responded while you chuckled in agreement.

"they're some fire ass cup noodles."

"yeah okay, playboy."

"playboy?"

"do you prefer manwhore?"

"no."

you throw your head back, laughing again at atsumu's expression. for someone who fucks around, he was easy to fluster. and you enjoyed it every time. the way he would look down in an attempt to hide his crimson cheeks, the slight smile that would rest in his face. he was pretty.

it all confirmed osamu's suspicions.

"you guys want to make every sunday a taste test day?"

"yes!" you responded excitedly. more free food? you're there.

"sure."

after osamu packed up some food for the two of you, both of you walked out. the early afternoon sun was scorching and your baggy jeans and oversized hoodie were not helping.

"you wanna get some coffee? i'll pay."

"what are you doing? trying to woo me or something, manwhore?"

"you look like shit and i think it's because you're tired."

"fair. but you have to drive me home first. i need to change and i do not want to walk to the bus stop."

"you didn't drive here?"

"i wanted to take a nap on public transport, sue me."

after a ten minute drive filled with food critiques, you finally made it to your house, quickly changing into some shorts and a t shirt that was actually your size. your raccoon eyes were fixed and you were back in atsumu's car in no time.

"i had no idea you existed up until a few weeks ago."

"nice way to start a conversation, tsumu."

"sorry-"

"you know, when i was karasuno's manager, i thought you were terrifying."

"how?"

"it was after one of your serves, you had this scary look on your face, but i forgot what you were looking at. you scored an ace, though."

"the fangirls."

"huh?"

"it was those squealin pigs that almost messed it up. i remember."

"you call your fangirls pigs?" you scoffed, "you're a whole manwhore." "yeah whatever, (y/n)."

you both went on to reminisce about high school memories, him mostly talking volleyball while you talked about shoyo and tobio being absolute dumbasses. he was interesting, really. his voice was smooth and his tone was always lively, always showing some emotion.

the cafe was mostly empty, a few people scattered around. the bitter taste of coffee met your lips as you hummed with delight.

"what are you looking at?"

"how are you drinking that shit? didn't you order extra espresso shots?"

"yeah, and? i see a ridiculous amount of condensed milk in yours, but i'm not saying anything."

"whatever." he chuckled.

everything was natural, both easing into friendly teasing comfortably. there was always some sort of glint in his eyes, a sly smile whenever he wasn't talking, reddened cheeks whenever you caught him staring.

being friends with miya atsumu was easy.

every sunday was easy. talking to him was easy. thinking about him was easy. a little too easy. and summer becomes fall. and fall becomes winter. and every sunday, there's a new source of energy you find despite your sleep deprived state.

"bo's sending me on a blind date." you tell the twins excitedly.

it's been awhile since you've gone on a proper date. you really haven't had the time for anything except for fooling around at a party once in a while. even if it went nowhere, at least you had something to distract you from the blonde manwhore who's constantly on your mind.

"oh, really?" osamu grinned, "i would have gone a date with you."

"liar. we both remember what happened while you were in school."

"yuck."

atsumu looked between the two of you, the gears turning in his head until it finally clicked.

"you guys went on a date?"

"sadly, yes," you chuckled, "we became closer friends, but that was not the move."

"agreed."

atsumu had already accepted that he had feelings for you. which he suppressed out of embarrassment. he had already accepted that you would have rejected him anyways. you called him a manwhore after all.

"when is it?" he finally asked, jaw clenching. his harsh tone wasn't intentional, but it was there nonetheless.

"next saturday. i'll tell you two about it when we taste test, again."

"you wanna get some milk tea after?"

"no. i have to buy a dress."

"oh."

atsumu watched you walk out the door, a cheerful smile on your face. he felt sick.

and when next sunday comes, you're an hour late.

you looked like you were up all night studying for exams. he recognizes the smudged mascara, the eyebags, the messy hair. except instead of your usual baggy clothes, it's a dress that loosely hugs your figure. he doesn't miss the way your nipples peaked through or the marks on your neck. nasty.

"samu, i'm gonna need more food than usual."

"you got it boss."

the sounds of the kitchen fill the room as you lay your head down. you turn to atsumu, eyes droopy and exhausted.

"you look like you had fun. who did bo hook you up with?"

"his name's konoha. he played for fukurodani back in high school. bo's such a sneaky lil shit."

"how?"

"i may have had a small crush on him in high school when i saw him at a training camp. i told bo and he probably remembered it and thought it was funny."

"nice," he replied, running his fingers through your hair, "are you guys going on another date?"

you closed your eyes, relishing in the feeling of his touch, "i don't think so. it was fun, but i don't think i like him that much anymore."

"ah."

he internally celebrated while osamu rolled his eyes.

and winter turns to spring in atsumu's apartment.

soft white walls, light brown cabinets, a fridge filled with his brother's food. a few photo frames hung around, the most notable once being a photo of osamu stuffing his face when they were kids. the best part was that osamu hated that photo, yet it was also the centerpiece of his table.

you set down the vase of flowers that you were asked to bring. something about making the party feel more "springy" or whatever atsumu said. you were expecting a nice apartment, atsumu was a pro volleyball player of course. but you weren't expecting it to be this nice.

it almost makes you sad. the fact you were constantly exhausted, studying, and stressed while atsumu was the same age having fun and being a playboy. god, this kind of sucks. why the hell was this man friends with you anyways?

"your dress looks so cute!" always count on shoyo to immediately make you feel better.

"you look good even in your big jeans, but you look even cooler?" bo added on, making your cheeks heat up.

while you and sakusa exchanged a small wave, atsumu came out of his room. an unbuttoned short sleeve, white shirt underneath, jeans. wow. god. fuck. and seeing you in the pink dress that flowed around your body, the sleeves being a little puffed, the same train of thoughts ran through his head.

"you needed help setting up?"

"uhm, yeah. can you guys get the plates out and shit?"

"you want us to shit on the plates?"

"shoyo-" you cackled at the confused tangerine headed boy.

it's a good thing you figured it all out before the guests arrived.

seeing kuroo and kenma after so long was refreshing. and the fact akaashi also had a caffeine addiction was comforting. and yachi? she was so grown now. your conversation with the two was interrupted by a tap on your shoulder.

"hey, stranger."

"konoha?"

you gave him a short hug. both of you caught up on the last few months, the situation being less awkward than you expected. it's not like he was trying to get in your pants again, what was the harm in talking? there's nothing wrong with two tired college students having a conversation, right?

suna's voice became distant to atsumu as he observed the blonde across the room. should he go there and save you? his question was quickly answered when you greeted the man with a hug.

"dude? can you hear me?" suna waved his hand in front of his face.

"don't mind he's just being a simp." osamu responded, a smirk on his face.

"am not!"

"for who?"

"(y/n) (y/l/n)."

"that cute manager from karasuno?"

"yep."

"you go, dude!" suna patted him on the back.

"i don't like her like that, we're just friends."

"why is your face red?"

"it's not red!"

"ooo! is atsumu afraid of (y/n)'s cooties?"

"suna, we're twenty three."

"and you act like you're sixteen with this lil crush, atsumu."

atsumu sighed in response. it was too late. you were going to go home with konoha, or maybe you two would go to his many spare rooms. and you would go on another date. fall in love with him. marry him. have his kids.

"she calls me a manwhore a lot."

"she's not wrong."

"aren't you two supposed to be supportive?"

"no." they both said in unison.

"look just offer to give her a house tour or something," suna advised nonchalantly, "works every time."

"good idea."

feeling a presence behind you, you turned around only to be met with a scary looking blonde towering over you. konoha kissed your cheek and bid you a farewell once he realized another figure grabbing your attention.

"house tour?"

"thought you'd never ask, manwhore."

after a tour of a guest room, a bathroom, and a washing machine, the two of you finally made it to his master bedroom. of course, the pillows on his bed were thrown around and there were a few shirts thrown on the floor.

"i may have forgotten to, uh, put those away."

"how are you gonna give me a house tour and forget to clean your house."

"i remembered to fold my blanket!"

"you don't fold your blanket when you wake up? do you even make your bed in the morning?"

"shut up."

you chuckled as he looked away, a poor attempt to hide his face. judging by the mess of clothing, the setter probably had no idea what to wear for his party. the one that was being hosted by him, in his own apartment, right now.

"i see you had a little fashion show this morning."

"i didn't know what to wear!"

"you're the host!"

"what if i looked bad?"

"who cares?"

he looked at you, a confused expression on his face. his eyebrows were furrowed, mouth slightly parted open. your eyes landed on his lips before you immediately turned away. you couldn't get distracted, but he looked so pretty. instead, you sat down on the bed, finding a pillow to rest your head against.

"if it makes you feel better, you look really nice today, tsumu."

"i did it! you finally didn't call me a manwhore!"

"you're still a manwhore."

he pouted while you threw your head back in laughter once again. atsumu took this as an opportunity to sit next to you on his bed, readjusting your head onto his lap. you looked up at his face, eyes boring deep into yours.

"what are you thinking about?"

"you."

"do i have something on my face?"

"no."

his fingers made its way onto your scalp, slowly massaging your head. a moan left your lips at the satisfying feeling. the past few weeks have only stressed you out, but atsumu's presence cushioned you when necessary.

"how's konoha?"

"he's okay, i'd honestly become friends with him if he wanted to."

"didn't he give you a kiss?"

"it was just a cheek kiss."

"you wouldn't mind if i gave you one, right?"

"who cares? i think everyone should give their homies a kiss."

and with that, his lips met yours. his were soft and warm, and though you were caught by surprised, you kissed back. you two melded together until you sat back up.

"i meant a cheek kiss, but whatever."

"you kissed back!"

"no, i didn't."

"did to."

"i don't want your cooties."

"are you five?"

you rolled your eyes, laying back down on the bed. he ended up giving you a kiss on the cheek, then slowly traveled to your ear, then your neck, then dangerously close to your chest. he laid down next to you, arms around your waist, head resting on the crook of your neck. you acted as if you were indifferent, but of course your cheeks still heated up and your heart was beating faster than usual.

"do you wanna be my girl?"

"no."

"rude."

he chuckled into your neck while you grinned, turning your head to look at the pretty setter. it only resulted in more kisses on your face which you happily received.

"is osamu still single?"

"don't even joke about that."

#atsumu miya #miya atsumu #inarazaki #miya atsumu x reader #atsumu miya x reader #atsumu fluff #miya atsumu fluff #atsumu miya fluff #hq fluff #hq fic #haikyuu fic #haikyuu fics #miya atsumu scenario #miya atsumu scenarios #miya atsumu imagine #atsumu miya imagine #🍓.writes

[levyfiles]

helloooo!!!! since you are my fave blog about shyan content, i must ask: what are your favorite fics???

AHhh! I–OK well, Lately I’ve been finding more and more fics that fill my heart right up with every gorgeous headcanon there is, but If we’re talking all-time favourites, I have finally compiled a List from the moment I started reading shyan fic in 2018 of fics that have ruined my life; all of them here in no particular order.

Be All My Sins Remembered by spoopyy

Summary: In every lifetime, they find each other.

Review: This fic manages to take you on a long journey through what feels like a series of AUs and they all weave in and out of the wealth of their relationship with some vivid descriptions of the historical settings their journey takes them through. As someone who grew up reading Anne Rice’s epics through historical events, this fic is right up my alley. A vampire Shane passing through the wave of human society’s climb searching for a reincarnated Ryan again and again, trying to hold on to him and keep him through great tragedies and timeframes that just don’t let them be together. This was one of the first fics I read when I was only a lurker and to be quite honest, I need to give this one a nice re-read, maybe for the book club which would be loads of fun. Either way, 10/10. Would be Hurt in the heart again.

Perfect Fit by @beaniegara

Summary: There’s a legend that says anyone able to take all of statue Shane’s cock will summon the god to the mortal realm. Given the statue’s excessive size, no one has ever succeeded to prove or disprove the story.Until Ryan that is.

Review: Listen. You wanna talk actual fandom legends. This fic is one of them and it pulls out all the stops on being delicious and evocative. Also features one of my favourite incarnations of size queen bergara. Good stuff and you’re really rooting for Ryan in this lol. 

Everything’s Weird and We’re Always in Danger by the beethechange

Summary: Ryan perches on the edge of the bed, an indistinct shape that Shane can only just make out in the dark, so he turns the lamp back on. He wants to see Ryan’s face, wants to know that he is alright. Ryan’s cheeks are damp, his hands fisted in the hideous flowered duvet.

“It won’t go away,” Ryan says miserably. “I’ve been like this since we got here, basically, and it won’t fucking—”

“Ah,” Shane says. “Well, you know, sometimes fear…adrenaline…they can affect people. Physically.” He waves his hands indistinctly crotchward. “It’s a, a scientifically known phenomenon.” Shane feels a little better staying in the realm of scientifically known phenomena.

Review: Word of advice. You see a fic is authored by beethechange, run don’t walk because you’re absolutely always going to be treated to the best of banter, the best of prose, chemistry, organic execution and feels right up the bottom end of your heart. This fic, this changed everything I thought I knew I wanted out of a bed-sharing fic. It’s got a little bit of two treats here. You got a sex-pollen-esque situation mixed with bed-sharing and holy fucking damn that is more than you think you deserve, but read this because you do deserve the best of the best. The build up, the dialogue, the surprisingly hilarity of it, the hotness woah, and The Aftermath. When you think you know what you’re in for, you’re wrong and you’re most pleasantly surprised. Get this fic in your life and honestly? while you’re at it, you could do a clean sweep of every fic in her list of works and while my less than adequate reading time management may still be short on some of her most well-recommended pieces, I have an adamant faith that Bee doesn’t disappoint. Go get y’all juice.

Maelstrom by thewindupbird

Summary: Here’s the thing about driving halfway across the country to see someone. You can’t really deny, after that, that you’re pretty much head over heels for them.

Review: Listen. One morning on a day off, I just laid in bed and read this– all 40k+ words– while lying there clutching my pillows, hurting and loving every moment of it. The descriptions of Americana, the slow steady metronome rhythm of Ryan’s feelings as frightened and helpless as they feel when you’re relating deeply to them juxtaposed with the deep-seated struggle of understanding what it is to be with someone you love so much but your mental health is burning quiet holes in your ability to express it in a way that can be understand. Ryan’s fierce determination, breaking through the silence of their non communication is really Everything to me in this fic. i think I really left my heart in the scene in Shane’s parents kitchen. That finished me. Read this fic and understand the deep relief you get when you’ve finished a fight with someone you fiercely care about and they understand you and you understand them and it’s OK; it’s gonna be all right. Augh. 

A Burial on Box Hill by InkStainsOnMyHands

Summary: The Celtics believed that the yew flower symbolized both immortality and death. Meanwhile, for centuries, the buxus flower was seen as a symbol for safe passage into the afterlife.

Or,Shane and Ryan were never the same after investigating the Black Forest of Germany alone.

Review: Let me just quote my bookmark comment here. Usually I flee from tragedy like a cat spotting a cucumber but the brevity and the prose dragged me in and now I’m a functioning mess. Bless this fic. Oh my god it’s short and reads like one of those quick horror stories you’ll read to your friends just as the scary stories are transitioning from the urban legends to the ones that feel real. Big warning for main character death but still read it if you appreciate a good story told.

Body Farming by shiphitsthefan

Summary: Failed suppressants and a surprise heat: the worst of cliches, and here Ryan stands, living the trope on location with the alpha he’s hopelessly in love with. Even worse, they’re spending the night in the famous Bell Witch Cave, completely alone and with no way to contact the outside world.

Ryan knows he can survive and keep his preheat a secret, as long as Shane will stop being so protective and concerned. After all, it’s not like Shane wants to bond with him.

Right?

Review: Now judging from the reactions of many people I’ve spoken to, big heavy ABO kink is not popular here but guys, GUYS. This one. Let this one in I promise it is not what you think it is. The dynamic is organic and the worst side of the trope is subverted in all the best ways and lord help us, the smut is hot, like swelteringly smoking. It’ll stay with you. 

Believer by cellard00rs

Summary: Some demons and otherworldly creatures love climbing up the power ladder. Shane is not one of these. He likes where he is (thank you very much) and has no interest in moving up. All he wants is to give his friend Ryan a nice birthday gift. So, naturally, everything goes to hell.

Review: This fic is another fandom legend. When I think demon!Shane. It’s this and one other one that always pops right into my mind. This was my first exposure to the bureaucracy meets the supernatural!Shane trope and I was sold from the get-go. The Shane in this fic is everything I imagine a demon!Shane is and his ginger care for Ryan, the concept of their bond and how even though Shane is a demon and responsible for keeping the supernatural a firm secret from Ryan and the rest of the world, his skepticism is relayed through his status as a demon. I want to talk more about it but I think so much of the enjoyment comes from the surprises as the plot unfurls. 

Heartbeat by quackers

Summary: So the guy Ryan sits next to at work is a vampire. That’s no big deal, right?

Review: I could talk your literal ear off about this fic. Vampires, man. I love the trope; you don’t know me as a person if you don’t know this at least. And this fic kept me fed all damn year. It was a readable garden. If there is one thing I can guarantee about quackers’ work, it’s that their world-building is a festival of detail. The realms and alternate universes they work with while still managing to keep Shane and Ryan’s voices so familiar and real is a talent not attributed to your everyday author. This fic propelled me into wanting to write more and more because quackers makes stories so much fun! Reading their work is, to me, not unlike the feeling I got when I was younger and finding series that speak to my need to escape this crummy existence, made me want to believe in fun spicy things like a vampire that lived through centuries, cynical but still searching, navigating a world where people are still people, adjusting to differences and prejudices, finding comfort in a guy that understands that and more. I’ve talked about this fic in more than a few different posts so I’d just be reiterating a lot of things I loved about the more historical aspects of Shane’s journey, the way Ryan is so firmly curious and inventive in ways to connect with Shane. Look, even if vampires aren’t your thing, I can promise that if you visit quackers list of work, you will find something for your supernatural-lovin’ palate that speaks to a gentler side of your own curiosity about monsters and the jocks that love them. lol.

I’ll Crawl Home by carrieonfighting

Summary: “Shane was almost unnerved by how quickly he’d settled into this body, this name, this life - his friendship with Ryan was the most time he’d spent with any human before, and yet the man fascinated him.”

Review: This is the second fic I think of when someone says the words ‘demon!Shane’ to me because ohhhh my word, this fic is a masterpiece. I really am hard pressed to find anything better than the feeling I get when I think of demon!Shane headcanons interwoven with the irl Buzzfeed reality and the idea of the Ryan as we know him being protected and watched and loved so deeply by a demon that found him so long ago and wanted nothing but to protect him. I feel an almost vicious glee reliving that moment when Ryan and Shane are on goatman’s bridge and man, I just really love canonical fic mixed with a slight twist. The writing in this makes it work so well with lines that still haunt my heart and soul like “Ryan liked popcorn. So did the demon. Genuinely, not just out of a desire to please the human – he liked the way it crunched between his vessel’s teeth. There were some aspects of taking a corporeal form that were…nice; laughing, coffee, feeling warm. Ryan made him laugh.” FUCK! The beautiful agony of it, watching the demon fall in love with Ryan through the eyes of his vessel. Just stark with pain and unspoken, well-written angst and pain with a perfect ending, I wouldn’t change for anything. I love this for us as a fandom and will always love that author crafted this piece and shared it with us. (Also every time I hear Work Song by Hozier, I think of this fic again and sigh).

Like I said at the beginning, thanks to @skepticbeliever-bookclub I’ve been discovering and re-discovering some fics I hadn’t had the chance to read and or have never even heard of before and my bookmarks list is growing with each new week. So if you get through this list and need more in your life, here you go. Every fic in my bookmarks deserves the community’s attention. If I can just make one special request of you guys? If you do happen to click any of these and enjoy what you read, please take the time and tell the author what you loved about it. It really changes the game out here for fanworks and fan-creators like you wouldn’t even believe and the people who shared these works with us worked hard to make the stories what they are and put a great deal of emotional investment in sharing it. Share more than your silence in return. 

Hope you find something you like here, nonnybabe.. 

#shyan fic #shyan #skeptic believer #recs #love tag #Anonybae

[the-lightning-strikes-again]

Did you see the thing JDS posted? Just when I thought I was healing, he opens the wound again with an insincere apology. I don’t believe it for a second. Like it took people yelling at him for him over the hypocrisy of his BLM post to issue an apology for s8. Too little, too late.

Hi, anon. Thank you for the note! I went to JDS’s twitter and saw his message for myself. You’re not alone for having an unsettled reaction to it. My first thoughts reading his tweet were:

While I would like to hope that his apology is genuine, true apology and desire for change means actively sacrificing something personal or offering something to foster genuine reparations. And I’m with you, I think words are very cheap. It’s very easy for people to say a paltry “I’m sorry” and then ultimately pass the trauma bill off to their victims in the spirit of “my hands are all clean now; your emotional debt is not my problem anymore, lol.” And it’s getting harder and harder to believe when people are genuine about anything because “lip service” is another rampant disease in our society. For example, in the United States, Democratic Rep Eliot Engel didn’t know he was on a mic when he admitted he wouldn’t have cared about responding to the protests regarding the George Floyd murder if it weren’t a reelection year. That is enraging. It makes you wonder what other people in power say and do when they’re not “performing” on social media for likes and retweets…

So if you don’t believe JDS’s social media apology or anyone else’s? Don’t feel bad about it.

There is NO obligation to put your faith and trust into an environment that hurt you or in a person who says one thing in words and says the opposite through actions. And I think you’re smart to be skeptical.

To JDS’s credit, I think humans, definitely including myself, are all hypocrites in some way or another, and we’re all learning how to be better in this life. This means accepting that redemption arcs and reconciliation can’t be just for fictional villains we think are hot (check out this former neo-Nazi Christian Picciolini who turned his life around to fight against racism and white supremacy). But redemption arcs and the clearing of names have to be earned. So maybe one can hope for genuine action. But if the future doesn’t bear the fruit of any real labor or attempt on JDS’s part for equality and justice, then we’ll know for sure how genuine his bid for a redemption arc is. Because apology without change is just manipulation.

That said, I do have faith that many people right now are genuine in how they’re re-examining their lives and implicit biases, and doing research and taking steps to actively advocate for human rights in a variety of ways. We might not know who they are or what they’re doing behind the screen of social media, but a major zeitgeist has gripped the world. People are rising up in multiple countries to stand for others, and they’re calling their government officials to demand better, and they’re offering their time, their resources and talents, and possibly even their life. Of those people, no matter how you acted before your heart changed, you know who you are and what you’re doing to improve yourself and the lives of others. And I thank you.

And instead of us focusing entirely on JDS during this time of protests on behalf of George Floyd, I want to take a moment to celebrate some black content creators I’m very interested in reading in my bid to de-colonize my bookshelf. I highly encourage us all to search for content creators who have published stories that we can find meaningful and that provide genuine representation and validation:

Angie Thomas – The Hate U Give (2017) 

Jacqueline Woodson – Brown Girl Dreaming (2014) 

Jason Reynolds – When I Was the Greatest (2014) 

Leland Melvin – Chasing Space: An Astronaut’s Story of Grit, Grace, and Second Chances (2017)  

Renée Watson – What Momma Left Me (2010) 

Elizabeth Acevedo – The Poet X (2018) 

#Joaquim Dos Santos #JDS #Voltron salt #Voltron #This response is probably a mess #But I feel some sort of way about all this #It's hard for me to express how I feel about everything right now #But you don't have to let Voltron hurt you again #And we don't have to let real people continue to hurt from real injustices #I hope this all makes sense #you and your upset are very valid anon

[dherzogblog]

songs/20

Happy Holidays Everyone! I started making these yearly playlists in 2001 as an attempt to connect with friends in the wake of 911. It was just before the dawn of ITunes, and way before social media. We were not in touch like we are today. I burned dozens of individual cd’s one at a time, printed up customized jewel case covers and snail mailed them all out. It was an annual month-long labor of love. Over the past few years, streaming music has made it much easier and faster to compile and distribute, and frankly much more fun. I still look forward to putting the playlist and blog together and sharing it with all of you. Particularly this year as it gives me a chance to connect with so many friends I haven’t seen in quite some time. It was a tremendously challenging year for all of us. I was grateful to have had my family here in LA the entire time, we remain healthy and well. The west coast Herzogs know just how lucky we have been. The next year will not be without its own challenges, but I'm hopeful we are able to move past this pandemic and the exhausting events of the past 4. More than that, I look forward to seeing each and every one of you in 2021. Until then, be safe, be well, and be good to one another. Enjoy the music.

ox peace, dh

Los Angeles CA. December 2020

Khruangbin - Time (You And I) Don’t ask me to pronounce the name of this eclectic trio from Texas, but this dubby disco tune had me returning to its chilled out groove often during the last few decidedly “un-chill” months. Dreamy and funky, the groove takes me back to NYC’s early 80′s club scene and Ze Records releases from the likes of Kid Creole and Coati Mundi.

Anderson .Paak- Lockdown Scenes from the front, June 2020

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Bill Withers (1938-2020)- Use Me The legendary Bill Withers left the playing field at the top of his game in the early 80′s, hardly heard from again. And while he didn't pass from Covid, his healing pop hymn Lean On Me seemed to be everywhere as people found music to help them cope with the challenges of the pandemic. Withers left behind a legendary and enduring group of hit songs that moved easily from soul to folk to pop, not to mention the subtle rolling funk of this one.

Black Pumas- Fire Strong debut from an unlikely Austin duo that garnerd both buzz and grammy nods. The critics are calling it “psychedelic soul”. Not quite sure that nails it, but like the artists coming up next, they’re carving out new ground while drawing inspiration from classic sources.

Gabe Lee- Babylon

Marcus King- Wildflowers and Wine

Charley Crockett- Welcome to Hard Times

Three artists that are literally changing the face of Country and Americana music. Soulful, authentic and diverse, reaching back for inspiration but always looking forward. If you like this sort of stuff they are all worth checking out. Each album is filled with quality songs.

Low Cut Connie_ Private Lives Philly’s Low Cut Connie are back at it with a double album that plays like the soundtrack to a boozy night at your favorite bar. Sweaty, funky and not a little bit messy. If Peter Wolf and Bruce had a kid it would be this blue eyed soul boy. Adam Weiner grew up in the shadow of the Jersey shore and can't help but have a bit of that E Street hustle.

Willie Nile- New York at Night One of New York’s beloved adopted  son’s dropped this love letter right into the jaws of a battered metropolis driven to its knees by the pandemic. It was heartbreaking to listen as the “city that never sleeps” came to a full stop. Somehow I still found myself coming back to it, imagining night’s ahead, when NYC is back on its feet and I’m roaming its streets. Looking for music, a beer, or maybe just a slice, and fueled by the irreplaceable energy and promise of the greatest city on earth.

The Long Ryders- Down to The Well Americana pioneers the Long Ryders reunited last year for a surprisingly solid album. This single sounds like it could have been recorded during their 80′s heyday featuring their trademark Byrds like jangle and harmonies, but the lyrics mark this song as unmistakably 2020.

The Speedways- Kisses Are History UK power pop outfit reach back to the the 60′s on this sweet slice of retro pop perfection.

Billie Joe Armstrong- That Thing You Do

In the early days of the pandemic we had all our kids (+ a significant other) at our house for a few months. It worked out great and we were luckier than most. The biggest issue was keeping enough food, weed and wine around.  There were some great nights with amazing meals, followed by gathering around the TV together. We re-watched The Sopranos, binged Billy On The Street, and revisited some of our favorite movies. One night we went back to a old family favorite, Tom Hanks’ underrated love letter to the one hit wonders of the post Beatles era, That Thing You Do!  I’ve seen the movie several times and it never fails to please. A true feel good film and a perfect Kodak snapshot capturing a simpler time in American pop culture. 

While we watch the unlikely chart topper’s The Oneders  fizzle as fast as they rose to fame, its not really the point. The movie is really an old fashioned love story. Playing like a perfect hit song you can listen to over and over, full of both hooks and heart. I always thought the title track, written by Fountains Of Wayne leader Adam Schlesinger  (who we lost to Covid), brilliantly captured the British Invasion sound every group wanted after The Beatles stormed America. Green Day’s Billie Joe Armstrong must agree. During the pandemic he cut an album’s worth of cool covers including a faithful version of this one.

Gerard Way (W/Judith Hill - Here Comes the End A tale of discovering music in 2020:  Heard this on a Netflix trailer for the series The Umbrella Factory. Turns out it is performed by Gerard Way (My Chemical Romance) who also writes the comic book the series is based on. (got all that?) He’s joined on this searing garage/psych rave up by the talented and versatile Judith Hill doing her best Merry Clayton.

Hinds- Spanish Bombs I’ve been following this Madrid based, all female outfit of punky garage rockers for a few years now. I think they are pretty great. This track, recorded for a Joe Strummer tribute bursts with an unbridled joy the stone faced and politically minded Clash could never muster. I bet Joe would love it though

The Secret Sisters- Hand Over My Heart Have enjoyed their harmonies for some time now. This one gives me vague Wilson Phillips vibes and I don’t really mind. 

Tame Impala- Breathe Deeper I know I’m supposed to like this guy, all the cool kids do, I’ve even seen the band at Coachella. Over the years very little of the music has stuck to me, but the pandemic offered a bit more free time to dig into this funky dubby, chilled out jam, and it stuck with me. Not to mention that 2020 was all about deep breaths.

Ledisi (feat.Corey Henry)- What Kind of Love Is That Ledisi is back with some slinky, sultry R&B and jazzy vocals

Dinner Party- FreezeTag An R&B/Jazz collective featuring Terrace Martin, Robert Glasper, 9th Wonder and Kamasi Washington use sweet soul on heartbreaking and all too familiar tale..

Toots and The Maytals- Time Tough  I’ve written an awful lot about my love for Reggae over the years. Right after Bob Marley kicked the door down for me, Toots showed me around the house. Ska, rock steady, and roots. He was true reggae royalty and sadly we lost him to Covid, just after he released what would be his last album. Check my Toots tribute blog and playlist.

Mungo’s Hi Fi- The Beat Goes SKA! These clever UK roots reggae collective never fail to surprise. This kitschy Sonny & Cher cover managed to make me smile every time I heard it. No mean feat in 2020

Stone Foundation (feat. Durand Jones)- Hold on To Love Frequent collaborators with Paul Weller  (he appears on a track on the album), Stone Foundation are back with another batch of their UK soul revival stylings. This one features Durand Jones ( of Durand Jones & The Indications) on vocals and some great reggae style horns at the top.

The Pretenders- You Can’t Hurt A Fool Can’t resist a good torch song, especially sung by the smokey voiced Chrissie Hynde. Was kind of shocked at how many good songs were on this album.

Shelby Lynne_ Don’t Even Believe in Love Sultry country soul and one of her strongest albums in awhile.

Jaime Wyatt- Neon Cross Outlaw country has a new bad girl. And in case you didn’t think she was serious, she enlisted producer Shooter Jennings (and his mom Jessi Colter on one track) to help make her point. 

Daniel Donato- Justice 25 year old guitar prodigy call his music “cosmic country”.  Ok, now I’m listening. You should be too.

The Jayhawks- This Forgotten Town 30 plus + after their debut this Twin Cities alt country group led by founding member Gary Louris continue to deliver. They find their inner Neil Young on this one.

Lucero- Time To Go Home God I wish I was in a bar right now listening to this, even if I might be crying in my beer.

John Prine (1946 -2020)- Lake Marie We lost so many this year, but this one really stung. A true American songwriting treasure, who was still making great music against all odds right up to his untimely passing. His songs are known for their simplicity, and economy of words. but this one goes against the grain. I’m still not exactly certain what it’s about. Sorrowful and haunting, yet somehow uplifting and redemptive. I heard him perform it live here in Los Angeles a just over a year ago and it has stuck in my head ever since. There is surely a place in heaven for the great John Prine.  He sang about it on his final studio album in 2018. Ironically it became the last song on his last record.

Thanks for making it this far....

***Play the entire songs/20 Spotify playlist HERE!***

[seyesnyl]

Critical analysis of a Comic book

During my search for books and articles to aid my practice-based research, I came across the text “Critical Approaches to Comics: Theories and Methods”. This book offers a look into the critical analysis of books and the theories and methods their authors employ. It focuses on four essential aspects of a graphic novel/comic which are: Form, Content, Production, and Reception. In each of these parts, contributors with comic criticism expertise discuss their methods of analysis and put into practice these methods on selected comics or graphic novels.

It is an insightful book and going through it made me understand different ways a comic could be analyzed and further understood. I had recently purchased a comic book called X-Men Red (Fig. 01) and wanted to try out the procedures that some critics had employed in their analysis.

Peter Coogan in Chapter 15 Genre: Reconstructing the Superhero in All Star Superman, discusses the superhero genre and its characteristics. He offers a guide towards analyzing the superhero comic book and its context. His procedures entail multiple readings to properly critically analyze.

First reading: Familiarize yourself with the events and characters of the story.

Second reading: engage with the text at a deeper level, note the conventions (heroes, villains, love interests, etc.). Note how are they used; seriously or comically or problematically? Observe structural pairs (events, characters, icons, and settings) that reflect and comment on each other.

Third reading: attend to the sequential artistry of the comic book. 

After these three, the analyst should assemble their notes and try to identify patterns in the story, using conventions, and the sequential artistry that leads to discovering the thematic concerns of the authors.

He mentions that superhero comics are usually intertextual in that they reference other texts and those should be watched out for. He also says to consider the general tendencies of comic books produced at the time the text you are analyzing was published.

Lastly, it should be noted how the characters represent oppositional attitudes (both semantically and syntactically) and how these oppositions are mediated. Then determine what you have to say about the story and how the text supports and reveals the points you want to affect.

(Smith and Duncan, 2012)

Fig. 01  Cover of Taylor, T., Alixe, P., Lee, S., Kirby, J. and Asrar, M., 2018. “X-Men Red - The Hate Machine”. New York: Marvel Worldwide.

After three readings and making notes, I assembled this analysis on two chapters of X-Men Red (1 and 2). 

The comic starts with a one-page introduction of Jean Grey back into the comic universe, back from the dead. It’s a sequel to her actual resurrection chapter, but this first page helps bring the reader to speed with synoptic text and imagery (Fig.02). “I was the Phoenix”, “I burned so brightly”, “And then I was dead”, “And everything was dark”, “I’m alive again”. She is pictured in the last panel of the page recollecting this and reflecting on the events straight after her resurrection.

Jean’s death as the Phoenix is a famous story in the X-Men universe, and just last year, a second live-action movie adaptation was released in theaters worldwide. The first was released in 2006 and there have been many adaptations in comics and animated programs over the decades since the story of her death was first introduced in 1980.

Fig. 02- Excerpt from Taylor, T., Alixe, P., Lee, S., Kirby, J. and Asrar, M., 2018. “X-Men Red - The Hate Machine”. New York: Marvel Worldwide.

From the first page to the following pages of this chapter, Jean acts as the narrator of the events that happened just before she died, and after she came back to life. This is done through green text boxes in the chapter. She catches up with the rest of the X-Men team, and we watch her move from here with her blue-skinned teammate Kurt, to another setting where we get the first glimpse of intolerance towards mutants that will be the focus of this story. Kurt is the target of discrimination by a passer-by and through this, we also get to see a glimpse of Jean Grey’s strength as she deals with this situation. It is revealed throughout the book that Jean can use her powers to its extent without fear of the Phoenix entity taking hold. The extent is yet unknown to her, but she knows she was being held back before.

This theme of intolerance towards mutants (people with abnormal abilities and sometimes appearances) is a topic frequently explored by the X-Men franchise more popularly and taken more seriously compared to any other comic in the superhero genre in my opinion. The seriousness is similarly conveyed in this comic book.

There are similarities in the discrimination mutants face with what minorities in our real world go through. In this instance with Kurt and Jean, it is indirectly shown that even though they are both mutants; Kurt is singled out by a normal white-passing man because he outwardly presents to be different with his blue skin and long tail while Jean is overlooked because she appears like a normal human. Likewise, in the real world, the more obvious your difference is, the more bigotry you are likely to face. Darker skin, non-Eurocentric features, gender-queer appearances, disabilities, etc.

Fig. 03-  Excerpt from Taylor, T., Alixe, P., Lee, S., Kirby, J. and Asrar, M., 2018. “X-Men Red - The Hate Machine”. New York: Marvel Worldwide.

It is obvious Kurt faces this all the time, and he seems to brush it off, but Jean is coming back into this world as sort of fresh-eyed and is appalled the hatred has become more emboldened since she had been gone. It is an added effect she is a mind-reader and reveals the hateful man is scared and does not understand half of the things he professes to hate, which is a common belief about bigots. She also alludes he is among the infamous internet trolls that write bile to strangers from the anonymity and safety of his room. It is fair to say that the “internet troll” in recent times is one of the most prominent social bullies. This man is a clear representative of today’s social and digital hate culture

The first chapter concludes by panning back to the image of Jean in the setting of the first page’s panel, narrating the story of her coming back to life and what she has faced so far. It is from here and the following chapters that the story moves into the present. Jean says that with her new life she will ensure to change this hateful world.

The art of this chapter is a bit unusual to me. It tends to be abrasive. I haven’t paid much attention to western comics recently so that might be a factor in my unease. The artist Pascal Alixe uses short dark lines that don’t flow together for shading and this gives the character’s faces and bodies a rough appearance. The art also doesn’t follow the regular pin-up styles for female characters that comics are famous for. They appear stockier and more muscular than the typical comic representation which, realistically, makes sense for the jobs they take on.

In chapter 2, since Jean has been revealed to be a strong mutant, and we are following her quest to save the world, it is curious to witness how she goes about it. A fascinating way she does this is by using her telepathy to link the brilliant minds of others to solve a specific problem. She does this when she invites distinguished thinkers from all over the world for a meeting and links their minds with her powers to develop an idea to make the world better. She pulls a similar feat later in the comic when she uses Black Panther’s neurological knowledge and the powers of Trinary, a new teammate, to remove an item from a person’s brain. Doing this passes across the message that complicated problems can be solved by bringing together the skills and talents of different people. A telepath might not be realistic, but someone with empathy and good interpersonal skills may achieve this.

In a United Nations meeting, Jean pleaded her case to the world ambassadors. Referencing Professor Xavier’s intent for ‘mutantkind’ – who believed mutants could win normal humans over by being heroes when needed and being invisible when not – she says mutants should not need to be heroes for acceptance. This is a fascinating sentiment as she (or rather the author) could be referencing other superheroes in the superhero genre and the terms of being accepted. This calls upon the intertextuality of the superhero genre. Superman, Spiderman, and other heroes with powers have often had complications with public acceptance until they proved they are useful to society by using those superhuman powers to save their citizens. This also translates to real-world issues. For example, how black people often need to be exceptional before they are thought of separately from stereotypes.

In an examination into ‘homo-normativity’ in children’s literature, Lester (2013) posits that in most queer literature for children, there is an emphasis on the queer or gender non-conforming character to earn approval as opposed to being entitled to it. She states in the article that “This motif of having to prove oneself means the main characters are accepted only after those around them learn to appreciate their differences, the implication being that there is ultimately something unacceptable about gender nonconformity for which young male characters must compensate”… “These cases of privileging individual exceptionalism as the only way of gaining acceptance still maintain that gender nonconformity is unacceptable and should be avoided”.

Fig. 04 -  Excerpt from Taylor, T., Alixe, P., Lee, S., Kirby, J. and Asrar, M., 2018. “X-Men Red - The Hate Machine”. New York: Marvel Worldwide.

Unfortunately, this chapter ends with Jean being framed for the murder of an attending ambassador by the villain of the story, Cassandra Nova. Even though Jean had made some progress during the meeting, the situation has now become worse than before as it is publicly witnessed a mutant has murdered someone that appeared to have opposed her. Before the frame job, a message from Nova was passed to Jean informing her that she had upset the status quo with her actions and would face the consequences. Taking this back to the real world, this alludes to what many social activists and minorities discern, which is that systems have been put in place to ensure that the oppressed remain oppressed for the benefit of the oppressors.

In the subsequent chapters, the story develops further; however, it is noticeably told from an intriguing point of view. More common superhero stories find their heroes playing a more passive role. They live their lives until an accident happens nearby or a super-villain wants to take over the world or rob a bank before they act. In X-Men Red, Jean could have waited for the anti-mutant tensions to rise and actual conflict to ensue before she acted, but she takes on an assertive role and is seeking to achieve a goal and is now being thwarted by the villains.

I researched on remarks from the author, Tom Taylor, about the comic, and he states “this book is Jean Grey coming back to life, but not coming back to the life she left behind. She doesn't want to come back to that life either. She's seen that the world has moved on. It's changed and she doesn't like everything she's seen. She's very empathetic and she feels so much of what's going on around her that she wants to make an actual change to the world. Not just for ‘mutantkind’ or humanity, but for everybody”. He doesn’t out-rightly mention the subliminal social commentary and that is likely because it speaks for itself and is not heavily nuanced.

I find this book pertinent to current times and it is thought-provoking without losing too much on the entertainment factor. As a consumer of superhero entertainment, it is usually difficult for me to grasp how a really powerful protagonist can lead an engaging story, but when faced with the seemingly insurmountable problem of bigotry, discrimination, and changing the hearts of people, it is a worthy challenge and I can’t wait to see how it culminates.

This has been an insightful task for me and the text that assisted my analysis has expanded my outlook on comics and the different facets of it that I never paid attention to. This will undoubtedly help me in my practice to be more intentional about the choices I make in the comics I create in the future.

References

Lester, J.Z. 2014, "Homonormativity in Children's Literature: An Intersectional Analysis of Queer-Themed Picture Books", Journal of LGBT youth, vol. 11, no. 3, pp. 244-275.

Smith, M.J. & Duncan, R. 2012;2011;, Critical Approaches to Comics: Theories and Methods, Taylor and Francis, Hoboken.

Taylor, T., Alixe, P., Lee, S., Kirby, J. and Asrar, M., 2018. “X-Men Red - The Hate Machine”. New York: Marvel Worldwide.

[letterboxd]

Satisfied?

We examine what Letterboxd reviews of Hamilton reveal about the musical’s cultural currency in 2020.

In this absolutely insane year, when our love of movies feels helpless in the face of pandemic-induced economic collapse, some extremely good decisions are being made on behalf of audiences. Studio Ghibli on streaming platforms. Virtual screenings to support art house cinemas. Free streaming of many important films about Black experience. And: Disney+ releasing the filmed version of Hamilton: An American Musical—recorded at the Richard Rodgers Theater in 2016 with most of its original Broadway cast—a year ahead of schedule, on Independence Day weekend.

“Superlative pop art,” writes Wesley of the filmed musical. “Hamilton wears its influences and themes on its sleeve, and it’s all the better for it. Lin-Manuel Miranda and his team employ an unlikely cocktail of not only hip-hop and showtunes, but also jazz (‘What’d I Miss?’), British-Invasion pop-rock (‘You’ll Be Back’), folk music (‘Dear Theodosia’) and Shakespeare (‘Take a Break’) in service of developing an impressively vast array of themes. This is a testament to the power of writing, an immigrant narrative, a cautionary tale about ambition, a tragic family drama, and a reevaluation of who decides the narrative of history.”

2016 may only be a half-decade ago, but it feels like an eon in American political years. With theaters dark and America’s long record of racism under urgent scrutiny, the complex smash-hit lands back in the spotlight at an interesting time. Is Hamilton “the most offensive cultural artefact of the last decade”, as Lee writes? Or “timeless and wholly of the moment”, as Tom suggests? The answer, according to a deep read of your Letterboxd reviews, is “all of the above”.

First things first: why now?

Sophie has a theory:

“Disney executive: Hey we’re losing a lot of money because our parks are closed. How do we start making money again?

Other Disney executive: It might be nice, it might be nice… to get Hamilton on our side.”

Sure, business. Still, it’s historically unprecedented that a Broadway show of this caliber (a record-setting sixteen Tony nominations, eleven wins, plus a Grammy and a Pulitzer) would be filmed and released to the public while it’s still, in a Covid-free universe, capable of filling theaters every night. Will people stay away when Broadway reopens because they’re all Disney+’d out?

No chance, reckons Erika. “I’d still kill to see Hamilton live with any cast… I get why producers are afraid that these videos might hurt ticket sales, but I’m fucking ready to buy a ticket and fly to NY one day just to see as many shows as I can after watching this.”

Not every musical fan has the resources to travel, often waiting years for a touring version to come near their hometown. And even if you do live in a town with Hamilton, the ticket price is beyond many; a daily lottery the only way some of us get to go. So Holly-Beth speaks for many when she writes: “I entered the Hamilton lottery every day for almost two years but I never got to be in the room where it happens… however, this 4K recording of the original cast will do very nicely for now! Finally getting to see the context and performances after obsessing over the music for years was so, so satisfying.”

“Finally” is a common theme. Sydnie writes, “I love this musical with every fiber of my body and it was an extraordinary experience finally getting to watch it in Australia”. Flogic: “To finally be able to put the intended visuals to a soundtrack that I’ve had on repeat for such a long time: goosebumps for 160 minutes.” Newt Potter: “Now I fully understand people’s love for this masterpiece of a musical!”

I’ve got a small query for you.

Where’s the motherfucking swearing? Unsurprisingly, Disney+ comes with some limitations. For Hamilton, it’s the loss of a perfectly placed F-word.

“I know Disney is ‘too pure’ to let a couple of ‘fucks’ slip by,” writes Fernando, “but come on, it’s kind of distracting having the sound go out completely when they sing the very satisfying ‘Southern Motherfucking Democratic Republicans!’ line.”

Will agrees: “Disney cutting ‘motherfucking’ from ‘Washington on Your Side’ felt like sacrilege akin to Mickey Mouse taking an eyebrow pencil to the Mona Lisa.”

Nevertheless, sings Allison:

“Even tho Disney stripped the story of its f***s, Don’t think for a moment that it sucks.”

(Yes, she has a vegan alert for Hamilton.)

Does it throw away its shot?

The crew filmed two regular shows in front of live audiences, with additional audience-less sessions for a dolly, crane and Steadicam to capture specific numbers. The vast majority of you are satisfied. “It’s the most engaging and expertly crafted life filming I’ve seen since Stop Making Sense,” writes ArtPig. “The film does an incredible job of placing you right in the action. It feels like the best seat you could get in the theater. You can see the sweat and spit.”

“Translates perfectly onto the small screen,” agrees Ollie. “There’s a level of intimacy that feels hard to replicate in any other filmed production. We see those close ups, the passion and gusto behind every actor’s performance.”

“Shockingly cinematic for something filmed on such a small stage,” is Technerd’s succinct summary, while Paul praises director Thomas Kail: “He knows when to back away along with moving nearer when appropriate, and the choices always serve to govern the power and stamina of the performances.”

Though cast members’ voices were recorded on individual audio tracks, Noah had a few quibbles with the sound quality. “Some of the audio capture is off in the recording, sometimes voices being too soft or too loud. It’s not immersion breaking, but it is noticeable enough to irk me a little in pivotal moments. Some of the shot composition doesn’t fully work either. Of course nothing is going to be as good as seeing it in person.”

Robert, recalling another recent cinematic escapade of musical theater, lets his poetry do the talking:

“This will do for now until the true movie’s made, Though if Hooper directs, there’ll be an angry tirade.”

I think your pants look hot.

Hamilton fans have their cast favorites, but something about being able to see Jonathan Groff’s spittle and Leslie Odom Jr’s scowls in 4K has you losing it all over again. Several specific shout-outs we enjoyed:

“Daveed Diggs the Legend! Go watch Blindspotting (2018), it’s one of the best movies ever!” —Kyle

“It’s hard to believe anyone will ever top Leslie Odom Jr. as Aaron Burr. I already loved him from the original cast recording, but seeing his full performance in all its glory was just godly.” —Erika

“Thankful that it was made possible for me to view with such clarity the phenomenon that is Renée Elise Goldsberry and spectacular Phillipa Soo.” —Thea

“Daveed Diggs was electrifying and Jonathan Groff was absolutely hilarious. If they interacted together the stage would’ve combusted from the sheer will of their talent.” —Nick

This is not a game.

On one hand, the release of Hamilton is sweet relief for music theater nerds riding out the pandemic. A generation of kids knows every word by heart, rapping (this version of) American history like it’s no thing. On the other, the Obama-era musical already feels behind-the-times, even for many Hamilton lovers, and the filmed version has brought that into sharp focus.

“I listened to the OG cast album about 50 times when it came out, the production is about as good as I’d always hoped,” writes Josh. “Since then however there’s been a very important and broader reckoning with the failures of neoliberalism and the Obama years ([from] which this has to be the most emblematic piece of art) and for me personally a drifting further to the left that has resulted in a very different relationship with the material. So my feelings today are a bit more complicated.”

“Hamilton is extremely non-committal about its politics,” writes Sting. “It doesn’t examine much of what Hamilton dictated besides ‘he wants complete financial control of the country’ (which would sound like a fucking supervillain in any other context, including reality).”

That lack of political commitment, reckons Morgan, is what helped Hamilton as a musical become so popular: “It’s fun. It’s catchy. It interweaves trendy and socially relevant artistic tools to infer a subversive subtext, while simultaneously sanitizing and, at times, flat out fabricating the historical narrative and downplaying the brutality of the true origin story, for the sake of appeasing those in power. Classic Bill Shakespeare stuff.”

History has its eyes on you.

Much criticism lies with the fundamental storytelling decision to make a modern ruckus about America’s Founding Fathers, the men (including Alexander Hamilton) who in the late eighteenth century united the thirteen colonies and co-wrote the Constitution. Undisputed titans of history, they also have blood on their hands, and HoneyRose writes that the musical “glorifies these men, and paints them as self-sacrificing heroes, and honestly normalizes and validates slavery, as well as the behavior of slave owners.”

Stevie, who saw the Broadway production as well as the filmed version, confesses: “I’ve tried (I’ve really tried) to understand what makes people lose their minds over this but I’m still completely baffled by the hype… These were horrible men and a romanticism of them through song and dance just seems entirely misguided.”

Sean is not convinced that Hamilton is a hagiography. “I can’t imagine anyone watching all of this and thinking it paints a portrait of the Founding Fathers as anything other than childish, greedy, venal and self-aggrandizing.” Wesley agrees: “I don’t think Hamilton is trying to be a history lesson, so much as a lesson about how we think about history. It’s a compelling human story told in a revolutionary way.”

That “revolutionary way” is the musical’s central conceit: that of a cast-of-color playing the white founding fathers as they bumble towards independence. Journalist Jamelle Bouie, who regards the musical as “fun, exciting, innovative and, at points, genuinely moving,” wrestles with the “celebratory narrative in which the Framers are men to admire without reservation. Through its casting, it invites audiences of color to take ownership of that narrative, as if they should want to take ownership of a narrative that white-washes the history of the revolution under the guise of inclusion.”

It’s complicated for Matt, too: “It’s widely agreed upon that the show encapsulates the Obama era better than anything, how it coddles white liberals with a post-racial vision of history in a superficial sense, overlooking the insidious and oppressive systems that they benefit from (hearing the audience clap to ‘Immigrants, we get the job done’ unsettled me). Of course hopefully its legacy will be that it opened up more Broadway roles for POC. But I really think that the show doesn’t make Broadway more appealing and accessible to POC, it just makes hip hop more accessible to white people, a launching pad of course to listening to Watsky or something.

“No hate though to anyone that’s completely in love with this, it’s definitely worth seeing despite any hang ups.”

I wanna build something that’s gonna outlive me.

The story doesn’t end, just because the music does. Kai_Kenn has a suggestion: “I have been a part of discussions that dissect the culture that created Hamilton, as well as the culture that Hamilton created, and whether or not Hamilton appropriately addresses the modern issues [that] the cult following proposes it does.

“This is an ongoing discussion that I am trying to be an active listener in and, if you consider yourself to be a conscientious consumer of art, you should too.”

Noah is on board with that: “Reflecting on the past and focusing on the future are not two mutually exclusive actions. Both are a must, regardless of who you are or what you do. A five-star experience in a four-and-a-half-star film. I think that’s just fine.”

Related content

Want to see more of the key cast? Watch Daveed Diggs in ‘Blindspotting’; Renée Elise Goldsberry in ‘Waves’, Jonathan Groff repeat his role as Kristoff in ‘Frozen 2’, Lin-Manuel Miranda in ‘Mary Poppins Returns’, Leslie Odom Jr. in ‘Harriet’, Phillipa Soo in the forthcoming ‘Broken Hearts Gallery’, Christopher Jackson in the forthcoming ‘In The Heights’, Jasmine Cephas Jones in ‘The Photograph’, Okiereriete Onaodowan in ‘A Quiet Place II’ and Anthony Ramos in ‘Monsters and Men’ and ‘A Star is Born’.

Ways to support the Black Lives Matter movement

Official Black Lives Matter’s Resources

Teenagers that have ‘Hamilton’ stuff on their bedroom walls

Films where they mention ‘Hamilton’

#hamilton #hamilton an american musical #disney #disney plus #disney+ #lin manuel miranda #leslie odom jr #daveed diggs #founding fathers #constitution #broadway #richard rodgers theatre #jonathan groff #letterboxd #renee elise goldsberry #phillipa soo #christopher jackson #musical theater edit #musical theatre #anthony ramos

[ohmygoodnessgraciouss]

Can I request a Bucky x reader where nat passed down the title of black widow to the reader ;-;

Masterlist

Of course, you can!!  I hope you like this one because I had so many ways of approaching this.  I was sad to get to only write one lol! 

Words: 1387

“She wouldn’t choose you if you weren’t the right person to give it to, Y/N,” Bucky stated as he placed an arm around your waist to bring you closer to him.

“What if she was wrong?  There’s no way I could be the Black Widow.”  You were teary-eyed and heartbroken.  It had only been a week since everything went down.  

You witnessed Nat’s death, saw Tony snap his fingers, and watched Steve go back in time to never come back.  You couldn’t handle any more of it.  Three of the six original Avengers had now left.  Bruce was permanently damaged, Clint was retiring, and Thor had gone off with the guardians.  

You, Y/N L/N, were an agent working for S.H.I.E.L.D.  You worked closely with the Avengers after Fury found out your talent for working undercover.  You could fool anyone with ease and knock them out in seconds.  Not only that, but you were brilliant.  You could learn a few new things from Tony and Bruce constantly, but you were able to hold your ground during debates and arguments with them as well.  

Nat took an instant liking to you because of this.  You reminded her of herself sometimes.  She was able to talk to you about anything because you could compare situations and missions with her.  She was impressed by this and enjoyed being able to trust someone with things she never expected to tell others.  

You two became best friends during the few years you knew her.  You met her shortly before meeting your boyfriend, Bucky Barnes.  The three of you got along well, even if you weren’t in the same place often.  Sometimes you’d go weeks without seeing either the spy or the soldier.  Other times it could be for months.  

When Bucky vanished in 2018, you practically lost it.  He and Nat meant everything to you, and losing him was like losing a piece of yourself.  Especially because you saw him disappear in front of you.  Hearing him call out your name, as confused as everyone else was, haunted you for an entire year.  From time to time you would still relive that nightmare.  

Even though it’s 2023 and you have Bucky again, that doesn’t mean that you were perfectly fine again.  You had to watch Nat sacrifice herself for the soul stone.  

~

You looked down the cliff, trying to see the very bottom.  You could’ve sworn you could see remnants of blood by the rocks.  There was some wind, blowing your hair slightly.  You almost stepped back in fear of falling off by accident.  Turning around, you saw Nat and Clint contemplating everything by a rock.  The man, one you thought you had seen from your history books in high school, floated nearby.  

“Come on, you two don’t really believe he’s telling the truth, right?” Clint asked, looking at your reactions.  You were debating whether or not you should jump.  Nat would never let Clint do it, so it meant either you or her.  

“Why would he lie, Clint?  And we’ve been sitting here for twenty minutes.  It’s done absolutely nothing!” You snapped at him.  You were getting frustrated by it, finally realizing there’s no other way.  

“We’ve gotta find some other way.  There’s always another way.”

“No, no there isn’t,” Nat commented.  "Y/N, can you come over here?“

You nodded as Clint walked away.  You sat down on the rock next to her.  Her hands were clasped together, and she wouldn’t look at you.  That worried you the most.  "Nat, you’re not doing it.  I won’t let you.”

“You have Bucky to go back to,” She started, “I have nobody.  If we can get this stone, Clint has his family to go back to, and you have Bucky.  Who do I have?  I have this whole family, but you two have this family and more.”  

“Do you think you’re just undeserving of happiness?  There’s no way I’m letting you do it.  You deserve seeing everyone back the most.  You’ve taken it the hardest, you’ve handled it anyway, and you need to see everyone come back.”  

Nat stayed quiet, closing her eyes.  She knew it’d be hard to convince you, but she had one last thing she could mention.  She knew she had to win this argument otherwise it’d end up being a fight to the very end.  In the distance, you and Nat could see Clint kicking dust up in the air.  He was clearly bored.  Later on, he looked up at Red Skull and waved to him.  

“You’re younger.  You’re smarter.  You’re physically stronger, but you don’t show it,” Nat started off, “I’ve wanted you to take up the title of Black Widow for years.  I was waiting for the right point.”

“What?” You asked her, shocked.  "That isn’t how this works.  You’re Black Widow.“

“No, I’m Black Widow, but there can always be more than one.  I’m still Natasha Romanoff at the end of the day, but Black Widow can be anybody.  I want you to be the Black Widow starting from this point on.”

You knew there was no fighting the Russian spy.  She was going to jump no matter what.  "Are you sure?“

"I’m positive.  Whatever it takes.”

You nodded before the two of you stood up and walked over to Clint.  He spoke with Nat for only a minute before she signaled to you.  She wanted you to hold him back.

You crept up behind him, getting ready to do so.  "You have a family, Clint.  Tell them yourself.“  She was teary-eyed and gave you a subtle nod.  You grabbed him by the arms, using a few restraints you had brought along for the trip.  There was no way you could stop him all by yourself.  

Clint fought long and hard as Nat walked up to the peak of the cliff.  She turned to look at you both, tears starting to stream down her face.  You probably looked just as bad because you could only see her figure in the distance.  Your vision was too cloudy at that point.  

"It’ll be okay,” She smiled sadly, before jumping off.

~

Once again you stared at the pill bottle.  Melatonin.  It was supposed to help you sleep, but it did nothing.  You were in your apartment at the time, sitting on your living room couch.  The TV was on, playing advertisements for jewelry and clothing quietly.  Your attention was focused on outlining the pill bottle, trying to decide if you should try a couple more for the night.

In fact, you were so focused on it that you didn’t realize the bedroom door down the hall was opening slightly.  Bucky moved in with you after finding out the terrible nightmares you had from your PTSD.  It’d keep you up for the entire night, leaving dark circles under your eyes that you had to cover up with makeup.

Bucky walked over to the couch and sat next to you, making you jump slightly.  You looked up to see him staring at you with soft eyes.  You moved over so that you were right next to him, allowing him to put his arm around your shoulders.  Your head automatically touched his shoulder, allowing your exhaustion to finally hit you.

“She wouldn’t give it to you unless she knew you’d be able to go on.  You’ve got this.  You have me and everyone else here to help you.  You’ll pull through this.  It’s just too recent for you to be able to move on just yet, and that’s okay.”  He kissed the top of your head lightly.  

He slowly pulled the pill bottle out of your hand, placing it on the glass coffee table in front of you.  Scattered across the table were files that S.H.I.E.L.D gave you.  Some were reports that Nat had given about you to them.  There were a few complaints and criticisms, but other than that, she spoke highly of you.  

Stamped across the one report were the words, “FIT TO BE AN AVENGER,” all in red.  The neat and precise signature to the right of it was none other than Nat’s.  

“Thank you, Bucky,” You quietly whispered as your eyelids started to close.  It felt so relaxing to be in his arms, and you missed being able to sleep.  

“You never have to thank me, I’ll always be here for you.”  

#black widow #natasha romanoff #marvel #comics #bucky x reader #winter soldier #bucky barnes #sebastian stan #endgame #endgame spoilers #avengers 4 #avengers

[qualitytacolover]

Megan Thee Stallion Hair is a symbol of pride for black women anime fans

New Post has been published on https://www.easypromhairstyles.com/megan-thee-stallion-hair-is-a-symbol-of-pride-for-black-women-anime-fans.html

Megan Thee Stallion Hair is a symbol of pride for black women anime fans

The highly anticipated release of Megan Thee Stallion's debut album Fever (May 17) has doubled as a national holiday for your sultry and self-confident fanbase. Although hip-hop heavyweight Juicy J and newcomer DaBaby make appearances, the Houston-bred "hot girl" remains the center of the show. And that's how we like it.

Megan's rise was one of the books. In early 2017, she catapulted into fame after attending a hip-hop cipher at Texas A & M University. People all over the country quickly noticed their conscious, deep-drawn river and so their fans, called "hotties", were born. Fast forward to 2019, and you stallion has hosted your own Spotify event, found fans, Rihanna, Kehlani, and SZA, and continues to release hard-hitting freestyles and other repeatable bodies of work.

She is also the first rapping woman signed at 300 Entertainment, home of Young Thug and formerly Migos. But with each ascent comes a humming crew of haters. One of the first sightings of this sad collective, properly known as "hotties," came in March when she shared a photo of her half-white, half-radiant red hair.

TODOROKI TINA pic.twitter.com/NSuvkATAxZ

– HOT GIRL MEG (@theestallion) April 22, 2019

The title was "TODOROKI TINA", a reference to the My Hero Academia character, Shoto Todoroki. Although a considerable number of people celebrated Megan's love for anime, there were those who questioned their affinity, men. For example, Twitter user @CourtneeHendrix user wrote, "No way Meghan the stallion watch anime. Your public relations team is firing. "

@TrippyTrxv also shared, "ngga yea i want to know what anime megan you stallion watches. Why? bc i love the shI and I like you. If she does not really see it, but dresses in anime halfway cosplay, I would be hurt. I would still do your music fw maybe tho. "Ultimately, these reactions ask the question: what would the stallion gain by showing people that he has fun?

The targeted criticism of naysayers is, to say the least, frustrating. After all, she's not the only woman who shares her love for anime (look at Southern rap goddesses Bbymutha and Purp Goddess), nor is she the first rapper, male or female, ever to do it. Emcees like Lupe Fiasco, Robb Bank $ and Migos' launch are also anime fans but have not been criticized to the same extent. If flagrant racist sexism is not the culprit, then what?

After the Global History of Anime, the first anime was probably released during World War I and created by Shimokawa Oten. The short, colorless rolls of film were either "disassembled", "disintegrated" or "destroyed", so little is known about the early days of this art form. Over the next few decades, anime developed into longer animations, with sound and color to boot. A report by Marwah Zagzoug states that during World War II, the Japanese government took control of the arts by threatening the artists who had also criticized the government. Those who disagreed with the new orders were forbidden to write and pushed to the margins of society. But those who stayed were supplied with artists' companies, militarized and charged with anti-propaganda propaganda.

After the war, anime finally returned to its original purpose: an outlet for joy and honest expression. One of the first visuals that had great success was the full-length feature Hakujaden (The Tale of the White Serpent), which also produced an American adaptation in 1961. Although Global History states that this was not the first crossover, it proved that anime could be a lucrative industry. Finally, television expanded its reach and consumption ballooned in the 1980s with the release of Dragon Ball, the third best selling manga ever. The introduction of Dragon Ball Z and Sailor Moon in the 1990s soon followed and until then, anime had become the monolithic Global Phenomenon that continues to generate revenue and inspire people of all ages. The Black community is a proud and important part of your loyal fanbase, and women have always been just as invested as men.

The "I liked it before it was mainstream" statement is still a pretty youthful, 2011 Tumblr-era vibe.

Although easy-to-find literature and the Internet have undoubtedly enhanced the profile of this art form, the statement "I liked it before it was mainstream" is still a rather youthful, 2011 Tumbler era sentiment. Unfortunately, there are people who continue to operate out of this logic and in the case of anime, the culprit party is mostly men. When it comes to Megan Thee stallion and her hairstyles specifically, you either wanted to prove to you that she is really interested in or just did not believe that she was even interested. How dare to invest in an attractive, popular, talented black woman in it?

It's another reminder that people continue to pursue the hobbies of black women, no matter what they are. So much so that the stallion himself addressed the controversy in an interview with XXL: "You must stop thinking that way. Poor B * tches may also like anime. "Luckily, a number of supporters, Black Women, have not been afraid to defend Megan and also speak their peace.

"It felt really good to me [weil die Leute] have this misunderstanding .. that black girls did not see anime like black guys when most of us had the same channels and caught the same Miguzi or Toonami block lol after school, "says Taylor, who pokers on @ sheisresting on Twitter , "We were definitely separated from the American anime wave back then. It was fulfilling to see a black female rapper with one such..mainstream potential not only acknowledge anime, but also call himself a fan, while loosely cosplaying your favorite characters. I had the feeling that there are also many black cosplayers who are constantly being told that you can not disguise themselves as Japanese characters because you have the wrong color. "

Taylor was not alone. In fact, over 100 responded when I asked a tweet for black women who were fans of anime and Megan thee stallion. User @dualityofman wrote: ".. I thought your hair would be cool! I'm from Texas and I live in Houston, so I have a lot to do with her. Their liking anime was just another thing we had in common … .I feel like many men hate to see women happy and enjoy things. It's as if you could not call you ugly because it's obviously NOT YOU. Can not say that she is untalented because she is just near everyone [Männer]comes out. She can not insult your intelligence because she is at school. So, let's SH * t like you for anime. I'm just looking for a reason to be mad at a black woman. "

Todoroki Tina

pic.twitter.com/nXycHk0izm

– HOT GIRL MEG (@theestallion) April 1, 2019

Misogynoir is a term used by the black feminist Moya Bailey and is intended to emphasize the way black men interact negatively with black women. It is also part of the root problem Black men have with Megan Thee stallion music, looks, interests and behavior. What confuses you most is your conviction about it. You can not believe that you are interested in anime, and you hate it for it.

Also worthy of note is the close relationship of Japan to the Black community outlined by Cecilia D 'Anastasio for Vice. It has included the mistreatment of mixed-speed (Japanese and Black) people and in the context of anime, a tiny number of non-stereotypical depictions of Black people. Japan is also notorious for its ubiquitous use of Blackface, which made headlines last year. D 'Anastasio notes that regardless of all these racial crimes, blacks continue to cherish anime and honor him through cosplay and songs.

Rare moments that acknowledge the enduring power of Japanese animation and an underrated part of your fanbase should happen more often.

In 2016, writer Amber Dixon also talked about the hurtful separations she saw and experienced as a black anime fan. These include observing brown skin as a metaphor for dark energy in Sailor Moon, the minstrel – like face of Mr. Popo in Dragon Ball Z and Blackface, to cosplay black characters. Like D 'Anastasio, Dixon continues in the worship of Anime Fort and notices the early and emotional connection she felt specifically with Sailor Moon.

Twitter user @imninm adds, "I know more black girls who see anime more than any race or gender. Personally, I have anime look as I could remember, from Pokemon, Yu-Gi-Oh, Sailor Moon, Hamtaro, Dragonball Z. I never felt like it was showing a "boy" or anything like that. I just liked what I saw and I still do. "In other words, anime will always have a special place in the hearts of female viewers, including high-profile rappers like Megan Thee Stallion.

View this post on Instagram

Bulma Snow

Make up @akilaface

A post shared by Hot Girl Meg (@theestallion) on Apr 22, 2019 at 5:57 pm PDT

In November 2018, and again this past April, she emphasized her devotion with a different hairstyle inspired by Bulma, a predominant character in Dragon Ball (the first is Goku). This time, instead of an overwhelming amount of criticism, Megan's cascading, Seafoam green locks initiated a tender co-sign from FUNimation, a dubbing and distribution company. "Love the style!" Wrote the company, with a cutesy gif attached by Bulma. Rare moments that acknowledge the enduring power of Japanese animation and an underrated part of your fanbase should happen more often.

Men should be proud that such a celebrity woman like the stallion shares a common ground with you, increases solidarity, and makes room for even more people to become fans. It could also force certain men to accept that women did not want to interact with you or go out because they were nerds, but because they were unbearable. Conscientiousness, happy black, female fans and good music? Thanks, Megan. Stream fever now.

[caticornsrreal]

Fighting Dragons with You

After twelve years, I'm finally telling the internet why I love Taylor Swift🖤 

Hello, internet using world. I’d like to introduce myself to the few people who followed me. Hi! My name is Christa and I am a Taylor Swift fan with every fiber of my being. Full disclosure, this is a short novel so now is your chance to make an exit, but I hope you stay.

Taylor and my ridiculously furry cat, Lyle

(affectionately nicknamed “rent-free”), are the only two beings made of flesh and bone who have been consistent in my life for the last 12 years. With a close second being my son, Gauge, who just turned 10. I won’t get into the details (in this post) as to why that is, but let’s just say there were a lot of ups and downs growing up.

The last 12 years have been an evolution for Taylor,

and subsequently, for me. At (dare I say it) 

38 years old, I’ve found that a lot of things happen in a decade. Like, A LOT. Now, I don’t feel 38. I guess I owe that to humor, singing, dancing, sarcasm, and launching a successful career that didn’t exist 15 years ago —something that has made me always push harder to set new goals and stay humble. But one thing I didn’t do over these last 12 years that I deeply regret was starting a fan page for Taylor. I mean, ESPECIALLY since I’m a professional travel blogger who makes her full time living from digital content!

There’s been a lot of momentum over the last 12 years

—demands which left me with little to no free time. But I can’t blame my absence from the Swiftie family entirely on that. In fact, I’d have to say, I blame much of it on fear.

Fear,

of being misunderstood, fear of judgment or writing something lame. I’ve had over 2,000 articles published online and in print as well as countless social posts, but the thought of Taylor seeing something I wrote and thinking it’s totally weird (or cough, too long for the internet), well let’s just say I’d be less afraid of walking into a burning building.

Fear,

of being called a fake because the financial demands as a single mom left me little money to spend on myself or Taylor merchandise, much less tickets to a show. I’ve always placed my son’s needs before mine.

Fear,

that I was too old to be a Taylor Swift fan. I mean, I was 26 when she hit the music scene and she was what, 16? I’ve been afraid. Afraid I would be rejected by other Swifties who really are the only people who understand this love we have for her  —which is basically like being rejected by your own people. Also, it’s super weird to be following teens/young adults on social, much less engaging with them.

Fear.

Along with my fear, a perfect storm of entrepreneurial demands, single motherhood, failed relationships (one of which was a marriage), and family matters have served as a constant reminder that my dream of ever meeting Taylor takes residence on another planet. An actual trip to Mars seemed more attainable. 

I feel like there is a whole demographic of women, “Swiftie Moms” who echo my story,

having watched Taylor grow into the strong beautiful woman she's become. Women my age who love her from behind the wheel of their SUV, on the way to drop their kids off to school, on the way back from a milk run, in the dark hours of the mornings when they’re dancing in the kitchen with a full on hair bun singing into a coffee spoon. Unnoticed fans who haven’t had the time to dive head first into the Swiftie Universe. But here I am. After all the fear and all the years...

So, why?

This is a hard one to answer. I guess you can say that after many years of challenges, judgment from others, and doing the complete opposite of what logic and reason said I should  —divorce, single motherhood, a second degree in my late twenties... risking it all to start a blog (which by the way in 2013 wasn’t even considered a side job much less a career), I kind of got to a point where I became

fearless.

I had to be. I had this tiny living, breathing human being who was counting on me at the very least, to give him a life a notch above the shit show I had growing up. Not to mention parenting —which is basically wandless wizardry pulled directly from the asses of parents. It demands that your mini human grows up to be a better human than you.

Yeah, unpack that.

Take all your collective shit, figure it out, and then teach your mini to do it better —to BE better than you at love, kindness, respect for others (especially boys respecting girls), integrity, money, and to be fearless. All while giving them the comfort of knowing that you, mom, have it all figured out... even when that couldn't be farther from the truth.

Top that with the pressures of working in the public eye

—which, while on a microscopic level compared to a full-on celebrity such as Taylor, is still very much a juggling act with none of the entourage to lighten the workload. Add to it the demands of working with national brands, and the unwavering ability for other bloggers to tear you down at any opportunity, or even worse, try to get close to you so they can raid your success like a Black Friday sale.

I found myself at the peak of my blogging career

but I was consumed by fear, AGAIN! Fear of shady AF bloggers and publicists, and so much to lose. And fear that now, thousands of people would have an opinion of me formed by jealous bloggers, and they didn’t even know who I really was. 

That’s when letting go of toxic people in my life became essential

—when, no matter who they were, or how I was tied to them, I had to realize that surrounding myself with the ones who lifted me took precedence over the ones who dragged me down. 

After all that..... I learned to give zero f***s about what people thought, or what they said behind my back. 

And I had to start caring about what made my heart happy, what made my family and friends smile, and what inspired me to do better. BE BETTER. Be the example of fearless, with the hope that I was lucky enough to stay that way. But I'm a vulnerable human made of heart and soul and sometimes people can still take the best from me.

I had to be fearless.

In August of 2017 when "Look What You Made Me Do” blessed my ears for the first time, I felt it pierce my skin and course through my veins. And to the very bones of this young 38-year-old Swiftie mom, I was shook AF! I sang, I danced and I drowned out the haters in the blogging world. She had a very clear message,

She had zero f***s to give, Taylor broke the internet.

After watching the seemingly endless myriad of shade thrown at Taylor over the years, my heart erupted with happiness as her flawless first single from Reputation revealed one BADASS BITCH. And with every music video release of her new era, she became a mythical Goddess with bullshit evaporating superpowers. Like, I legit think she’s an actual unicorn. After all, she does ride a caticorn named Olivia.

She got harder, she got smarter in the nick of time

One single post on my Facebook page praising her new era and new single she brought with it attracted a slew of hate speech, white people bashing, claims of Taylor ripping off Beyonce... I couldn’t believe the things I was reading from fellow bloggers. I even had a GLOBAL BRAND threaten my business relationship in their ambassador program because I stood up for Taylor and spoke out about the hate speech which was placed on my own personal Facebook page. But I stood by my words.

Fearless.

Over the following months into early 2018, and to the tune of, “This is Why We Can't Have Nice Things”, I, along with a slew of about 20 other bloggers, ended up taking down said global brand’s publicist who was using his budget and power to demean and sexually harass female bloggers (which would later reveal that blacklisting me was more about not buying into that bullshit rather than my voice on hate speech).

Zero f***s given to those haters.

Mythical Goddess with bullshit evaporating superpowers level officially achieved for Taylor, and even for me. Although I wouldn’t call myself a Goddess. That's all Tay. 🖤

She found love through the noise

And so did I. In November of 2017, I had approached the year anniversary of the greatest love I'd ever known. My last stop. And as the tracks played on, my heart was full. We both found happiness through a seemingly endless sea of anguish.

Taylor is truly doing better than she ever was, and so am I.

Her resilience up against the media and the demands of the industry are perfectly fearless. And her decision to keep her beautifully growing relationship with Joe private is wise. I’ve spent the last year at home, which has been incredible. I’ve had a lot of time to think about what’s most important to me, what has shaped me into the mom, partner and entrepreneur that I am, and it all comes back to Taylor. That’s why it’s time for me to be fearless again and officially join the Swiftie universe.

I’ve spent 12 years fighting dragons with Taylor

and growing a canyon of respect and adoration for her charm, wit, business savvy, musical talent, feminism, compassion, tenacity, love for animals, and of course her lovely, lovely, words. I’ve raised my son from birth with her. There isn't a single day that is spent where Taylor doesn't exist in our lives. For 12 years straight.

That’s a long time to love someone who has no idea you exist.

I play her music videos and YouTube uploads just so I can feel like she’s with us. And so my son knows that she’s one of the finest examples of a human being in his lifetime. I use Taylor’s kindness to teach my son how to be considerate and give back to others while sharing her fearless story with him so she can be a positive role model in his life. Taylor has essentially been part of our family all along. 

My son Gauge has a running joke that Taylor is the only person that can make me cry

(which happens more than I'm willing to admit). And it’s not because I’m weak, or on the verge of a mental breakdown (although I challenge you to try parenting, you might argue that), it’s because I truly love her like a best friend. When I see her happy it makes me happy, when I feel her sadness, it makes me sad. It’s visceral.

I don't believe the human connection is meant to be one-sided.

I feel in my heart, as weird as this may sound, that we will meet Taylor one day, even against all odds. Existing in the same lifetime as Taylor without at least trying to meet her doesn't feel right. I won't look at my son and teach him to let fear and doubt win, or that defying the odds is an impossible task.

Over the years I’ve been a spectator to her outreach to fans. She’s invited them to sessions in her homes, sent them gifts, invited them backstage, surprised them in their homes, made hospital visits, and Lord knows what else she has up her sleeve. And it’s all been done with pure excitement and love for her Swifties. With each outreach she extends, tears of joy are shed for fellow Swifties, and a ray of hope inspires me.

So, I’m starting a personal blog

which tells a very personal story of all the dragons I’ve fought with Taylor over the years. From living in a car at 15 years old to getting invited to LA premieres for Walt Disney and Marvel films. And I'll have no apologies for the truths that will be told (but will change names for privacy). It will be very personal and some of it won’t be pretty. Because life isn’t always pretty.

Taylor is releasing another album this year... we hope,

and she’ll be on yet another tour in 2020. After 12 years I’m finally ready for it. I’ve given my son everything he could possibly want or need. I’ve bought him a beautiful home in Northern Georgia. He’s been able to travel the world and do things most adults haven’t even done. And I owe much of that to Taylor for giving me the strength to take major risks, the courage to face my demons, the balls to cut people out of my life who were toxic and the self-confidence to defy the odds and do things my way.

2019 is our year to show @taylorswift how much we love her.

I’ll let the universe do the rest. Till then, I’ll be fighting dragons with her as I always have and writing my journal for her and anyone else who wants to read the memoirs of an OG Swiftie mom who keeps it real AF, full-on hair bun and all.

#taylor #taylorswift #taylurking #taylornation #taylor swift #taylor13 #taylorswift13 #taylornation13 #fightingdragons #swifties #swiftie #tswift13 #deartaylor #dear taylor

[evangelineartemiasamos]

Red Queen Secret Santa 2018 for Rhia @redqueenfandom <3

A/N: A modern AU, a sequel to the ones I wrote before. I wanted to place this in Paris at first, but then I thought I should rather write about a place where I’ve been to – although my memories aren’t that perfect^^° I’m sorry for eventual inaccuracies.

A New Place

Growing Up

The Dinner

Roman Holiday

The Wedding

FInd this on Wattpad and on AO3

Roman Holiday

Mare POV

It’s eleven in the evening when I can call it a day on christmas eve. I put away my apron and slip into my coat and scarf and step outside of the café and onto the streets of Rome, bright with lights, filled with people, bells sounding over me.

Astounding that I hardly need the coat, despite the time and season. But this is a warm place, making it even more of a magnet for tourists coming to flee the winter or to experience christmas surrounded by supposedly more holiness than at home, wherever it is.

I’m not sure whether I should call myself one of them. I’m still a foreigner like them, frequently overwhelmed by Rome’s grandeur and age and visiting its endless sights. But then again, I make my living by serving tourists currently.

Four months into my gap year, I’m spending the winter in Italy, working as a help or assistant in various institutions, first in the cheaper countryside, now in the capital. I was tempted to see the festive spectacle, to be honest, that I’m putting up the higher costs of coming here. Fortunately, my room is affordable enough, but nothing I’d like to stay in for longer than a few days for that price. I knew what I was getting into, I guess, so I’m here to make an experience of it.

Truly, it is one. The ancientness of the city, the marks of history and art everywhere, often pull at my suspension of disbelief until I can take it for real. The more I stay, I’m starting to wonder if I’ll normalize the marvels one moment, no longer able to take it all in as much as it deserves. But I don’t intend to stay that long. I’m here to travel and see the world, and my next stations are waiting. Because for all its greatness, Rome’s also tiring, exhausting me.

There’s a price for a year of travelling, and that is hard, ever-shifting, and often boring work. It isn’t difficult to find jobs when you’re a native English and Spanish speaker in places full of tourists. Interpreters are good to have and I’ve a talent for languages, so my Italian improves by the day. The café I currently work at seems to have mostly foreign customers talking English, but to encounter the barriers of languages, from one foreigner to another, leaves a strange impression. Words get jumbled and guesses have to be made all the time and I try to smile away the stress. I hope that eases the work as well as raise my tips.

Although I’ve understood the processes of applying and have some reserves at hand by now, a consequence of the gap year is a constant worry of having nothing when I wake up next. It can eat at you no matter what, having to rely on yourself alone this much, but then again, it’s also the freedom I’ve craved. Whatever I do, I achieve it by myself. I can be proud of that. Doesn’t that mean I can manage everything?

Yet, it also means that often, I’m terribly alone. To be here, I’ve left behind my home, my friends, and my family. Now I’m meeting strangers every day, of whom each might become a new friend if I gave them the chance. It’s hard, the enduring newness of people and everything else. I can’t open myself up to them all the time, re-introduce myself and every part of me, can’t bring up the energy to translate all of their conversations in my head to take part in them. Thus, I frequently fall into myself and rest alone at the end of a long day full of work.

Tonight is such a time, or could be. It’s still christmas, but the loud and lively shift has destroyed pretty much of my festive mood. This is nothing like my little girl christmases and their inherent childhood magic. This is noise and exhaustion and unfamiliarity. It’s a feeling pulling me off the ground and I’m not willing to give in to it.

The streets around me roar as I scout for a quieter spot where I can sit down. Not easy to find here, as many are already taken, or dirty, or prohibited so traffic isn’t disturbed. But finally, I find a free building block close to the Pantheon. I get down on it and take a deep breath of the night air, letting my body relax as good as possible.

It’s not far from St. Peter where the greatest crowd will celebrate and if I weren’t so tired, I might go there to watch them, to get my own image of it. Shade would be offended to hear about this, as he’s always keen on calling out the catholic church and the pope especially. But I’d welcome his rant if I saw him in person again, like the rest of my family. I miss them so much, and curse once more my decision to stay abroad during christmas. The loneliness is cruel on this day, and the only thing I can do is getting my phone out and looking over their pictures and messages again. I do so every day and send replies back, but I delayed this today, hoped not thinking about them and being unaware about what I’m missing would make my shift more tolerable. That didn’t really work out. I just had a bad day that went to waste while everyone else around me is having fun.

So now I can be lonely while watching my family celebrating christmas. Tramy sells christmas trees and presents the fairy tale-like winter wonderland of the garden center he works at. Bree is with his girlfriend, both grinning and likely slightly inebriated, when Kilorn crashes their photos. Shade, despite his atheist statements, put outfits on his baby daughter Clara that make her look like an elf of Santa Claus and he stands arms in arm with Clara and Diana under a mistletoe that hangs over their door. In another, Diana, seriously studying an important-looking book, wears a silly blinking cap on her head, and in a second photo she hugs Clara besottedly as if in ignorance of a photo being taken.

Mom and Dad are similarly in love with their first grandchild and have tons of pictures with her, of Dad keeping her from crawling into the Christmas tree, or of Bree holding her up to pull on a pinata.

Gisa shines in these photos, too. Even on casual days, her outfits leave me so awed and envious of her style full of details and perfection achieved by her own ideas and efforts. One time, she’s wearing a black dress, a ball dress I almost think, and she looks so gorgeous in it that I don’t know whether to adore her or to be scared of her.

I sniff and swipe tears from my eyes. When I look back to the screen, my contacts are shown. My fingers must’ve slipped and I scroll back to find my family again, as I still have to send greetings and wishes. It’s christmas after all, and since it’s still afternoon over there, it must the perfect time for messages. Maybe even a call. Yes, I should make a call. Yet I stop searching when I see another name on the list.

Cal.

His profile photo seems to smile at me, and I feel myself smiling back at him automatically. At the boy I dated a few times back in the States. The silly, rich, hot and kind Cal who’d muttered something about christmas in Italy back then. How decadent, I thought. And now I’m actually here. I can’t resist the temptation and text “hey” to him.

“Merry christmas!” he texts back. “My parents wanted to visit the holy night in Rome and now we’re watching from our hotel balcony. Can you believe?” Added is a photo of the crowd on St. Peter.

I can’t help grinning like an utter fool.

“Guess what …” I write to him.

I drop hints for him about where to find me, not really expecting him to show up. Why should he, when he’s with his family on christmas eve? And yet, between messaging my family and joking with Kilorn about food, I glance over my appearance in more than one mirror or window to make sure I have nothing in my face.

I’m right at replying to Kilorn’s snarks when I almost bounce into someone. I’m fast enough to get out of reach, but make myself ready to rant back if necessary.

Light falls on his face, and I, silly me, recognize him as Cal, who’s really come to meet with me in the middle of the holy night.

“Merry christmas again, Mare,” he says.

I hesitate. I tuck my hair behind my ears nervously and chew on my lip as I look for words and my composure. But when I see his face, beaming with excitement, I laugh out loud and he laughs along with me. I go to him and in a blink, I stand before him and give him a hug. A friendly one, like I’d hug everyone, yet I don’t let go, and neither does he. I pull him closer, my hands pressing into his back as I step on my toes to kiss his – stubby – cheek and whisper “merry christmas,” into his ear.

He returns the kiss on the cheek.

And then he kisses me on the mouth.

It’s a surprise for both of us, but we don’t stop. Does it mean anything? Or is it just fun? He might be drunk although I’m not, only tired and in need of warmth and a familiar human body close to me.

We pull apart to draw breaths and don’t know what to do afterwards. We grin and laugh again. “We can ... walk a little?” he prompts and I agree and take his hand. With him at my side, I don’t feel so tired and lost. We’re two people enjoying christmas together in a beautiful city, and that changes everything.

“I can’t believe you’re actually here,” I say.

“Same here,” he replies. “Well, you said something about being in Italy during winter, and when my parents talked about travelling on Christmas, I put in an option or two …” He shrugs.

I elbow him softly. “Stalker,” I jest.

“Hey! It was still a surprise,” he objects and smirks. “And you called me.”

That’s true, but I’m unsure whether to tell him how needy I felt an hour before. It’s good as it is, should I dive deeper? We’re strolling through this ancient quarter, two people who might be in love during a lush night, like millions of other people must’ve done before. It doesn’t make me feel small, but incredibly connected and right where I belong tonight. Cal especially seems to fit in here perfectly. With his handsome face, the contrast of light skin and dark hair illuminated by the moonlight, he could be a mystical apparition rising from the ruins.

Oh god, I can never tell him that. He’d never shut up about it, and the idea is way to pagan for this night. Shade would be proud.

“What?” Cal nudges me and I shake my head a little too long just to win time. He frowns.

“You’re her with your family?” I ask eventually. “Aren’t you a little old for that?”

“I …” Bingo. “Ugh, right, that must sound ridiculous to you.” He’s completely flustered and it’s very endearing. “You’re here on your own,” he continues, “and I came here on a family trip like a big baby.”

I incline my head, the corner of my mouth twitching. He doesn’t offer me a chance to reply though.

“However, it does mean something to me.” His hand squeezes mine, possibly inadvertently, as his voice gains a serious edge. “My parents often went on trips with me, of course. But this is the first my half-brother is with us.”

I stand still.

“Mare?” Cal asks. I don’t react. “Mare, your mouth’s open till the Alps,” he says.

A shiver washes over me and I look up to him. His confused face likely mirrors mine. “Mare, didn’t I tell you about my brother? Who’s lived with his mother?”

I nod gravely.

“You see, as I’ve told you, we met at the same college. And somehow, we got along surprisingly well. I was so glad, you know? I think Maven is, too.”

“That’s great.” I smile faintly.

“Indeed, so after a few months, we decided to go on vacation together, as a family. And Maven loves Rome.”

I can easily imagine him, standing in a museum or on the capitol hill among paintings and statues and looking like a mischievous fallen angel himself. “Oh, absolutely,” I say aloud. Only that that deeply puzzles Cal, because he doesn’t know that I know Maven personally, that we were friends and a couple for years. I’ve only learned by accident that he’s Cal’s half-brother.

Now I have no idea how to tell Cal this so late. Seems like Maven didn’t tell him either. I wonder if he figured out who Cal is meeting tonight.

Cal still isn’t enlightened and I take both of his hands and know I have to confess. I look into his beautiful eyes, golden like fire, like light. “I’ve been friends with Maven for a long time,” I say. More than friends. “Until last year.”

If I leave it at this, I’ll never be able to finish. So I go on. “We were together for a while,” I say quietly, and speaking feels like lifting a ton. “As a couple.”

Cal gasps for words. I Iay a finger on his lips. “But that’s over. I’m just glad, really happy, that he is doing well and getting along with you.”

Relief washes over Cal and I’m sure he’ll have to digest this for some time. His hands wriggle in mine, loosen, and wander over my arms to my shoulders. He rubs them and I don’t want him to stop and he doesn’t, as he’s still at loss for words.

I stretch to give him a light kiss. He chuckles. “And I thought about asking you to come with me tonight …”

“Oh, how scandalous.” I tease back, hands on my hips.

“Yes, it’d be awkward for several reasons.”

I shake my head. “Not tonight, “I say with a sigh, a promise ringing in my voice.

He catches the note and smiles. His palms remain a caressing, welcome presence on my back, and I take the final step to embrace him. He pulls me even closer, bending down to my ear. “I’d say I’m looking forward for another time, Mare,” he mumbles, turning my name into a tender touch. “But whenever I let go of you and say ‘goodbye for now’, you vanish in a flash, fast as lightning.”

“I – ”

He kisses the top of my head. “I want to meet you again. I want to get to know you – for real.”

His eyes burn with intensity, his arms feel like a home. So under an infinite black sky, bells tolling around us in a city of legends, I whisper a time and place into his ear. “I’ll be there, I promise.” My hand rests on his cheek. “It’s my christmas present to you.”

@merrymareshmallow @clarafarleybarrow @inopinion @lilyharvord @elliemarchetti (gosh I just hope I did get Italy mostly right) @eurydicel @sarcasm-and-procrastination @marecalrandomstuff @calmareforever @choosemarecal

#red queen secret santa 2018 #red queen #marecal #cal calore #maven calore #mare barrow #red queen fan fiction #victoria aveyard #rq ss 2018 #red queen secret santa #roman holiday #rq modern au #christmas fic

[grimreapercatsnake]

Meeting Taylor In Minneapolis❤️

Let's flashback to 12 years ago when I first heard "Tim McGraw" on the radio, I wasn't sure who was singing the song but I knew from that moment that whoever was singing it was talented. I asked who was singing that song to the people in the car and they said "That's Taylor Swift". I had no clue who Taylor Swift was but I immediately went online to see who this girl was and I saw that she had an album out and I had to go pick up the CD at the store so I could listen to the whole thing. After I listened to her first whole album I couldn't wait until her next album was released.

Now let's jump forward to 2018. My friend and I had bought tickets for us and my sister to the reputation Stadium tour in Minneapolis in December of 2017 and had to keep the concert a secret from my sister, Alison, because we were going to surprise her the day of the concert with the tickets. A long 9 months went by waiting for the concert to come around and the week of the concert finally approached us and we were so excited. That whole week leading up to the concert was filled with so many good luck signs and we had such a weird gut feeling about going to the show. We had all of our outfits planned out and ready to go and we had to make sure we had stuff for my sister to wear because she had no idea she was even going. We chose to wear camouflage and an old Taylor concert shirt.

The day of the show show finally rolled around and I got to surprise my sister with the tickets that Saturday morning and she was so excited to go, the first thing she said was "when is it?" Lucky for her it was that night and she didn't have to wait 9 months to go to it!

One thing that I still remember to this day is what my mom said to me before we left our house was, "If you meet Taylor you need to be nice to your sister and let her enjoy that moment too." And I immediately said back, "Mom, I doubt it will happen, there's a 1% chance that we will even see Mama Swift and meet Taylor."

So, we packed up into my parents car and headed to my friend Abby's house to get ready for the concert with a few other friends we met on Twitter who were going to the show with us. Multiple tubes of glitter later and all our "13's" written on our hands, we were finally ready to head to U.S. Bank Stadium and get in line to get into the concert.

We got to the stadium about twenty minutes before the gates opened so we waited in line for that time and took some pictures and talked about what we were excited to see that night. Time flew by and they opened up the gates and it was time for the moment we have been waiting for for 9 long months. This was the first time I had been to the new stadium and it was so gorgeous and it's so hard to explain its beauty in words.

Before we went to our seats we had to go pick up our floor wristbands from a certain section on the concourse so we were able to get to our seats and after we all picked up our floor seats we went in and there it was. The stage. It was so big. I had only ever seen pictures online of what the stage looked like but seeing it in person was breath taking.

We got to our seats finally and our seats were in the perfect spot. We had no seats behind us, we had end seats and we had a big open space to dance our little hearts out. I couldn't believe that this was all happening in the moment.

Our friend Kaitlyn, who had bought a ticket last minute and came from Chicago to go to the show with us didn't have a ticket by us but had a floor seat. She didn't want to go back to her seat yet and be alone so she stayed with us during the opening acts. Taylor's opening acts are phenomenal. Charli XCX put on one hell of a show and got the crowd pumped up for Camila Cabello. Camila is just a little darling, she's so cute and little that everything she does I want to cry.

After Camila, Taylor was next. Kaitlyn was ready to go back to her seat but before she left she said to us, "Not to say anything is going to happen or get your hopes up or anything but there were people from Taylor Nation watching you guys during both of the opening acts." My heart just stopped and I couldn't believe what she told us. Abby, Alison and I told ourselves to not think about that during Taylor's set because we didn't want to get our hopes up.

I DON'T GIVE A DAMN ABOUT MY BAD REPUTATION... it was finally time. Joan Jett blasted over the stadiums speakers and we all knew. Taylor was coming on stage after this song was done. We were dripping sweat, our glitter was everywhere and our hair was a mess but we didn't care. We were so ready for Taylor to come on stage.

The lights dimmed, the light up bracelets sparkled, screams echoing in the stadium and "Baby let the game begin," was heard over the speakers. Alison, Abby and I had already lost our voices but we were screaming so much when we heard those five words and finally she finally arose from under the stage in a black sparkle onesie and over-the-knee boots that just looked so stunning in the stage lights. ...Ready For It? got the crowd going crazy and we were in tears because we couldn't believe Taylor was right in front of us.

Four songs in her set went by and by this time Abby, Alison and I were so tired and sweating so much but we kept going because we were having so much fun and didn't want to miss any memories to be made. End Game was the next song in Taylor's set and one of my top three favorites on the album. This was the song I was most excited to see live because it's my favorite and I heard that she performed End Game so cool at the show. It was about halfway through the song and I was taking a Snapchat video of my singing "Big reputation, big reputation," and I didn't hear Abby say this to me but she yelled "Mama Swift showed up!" Since I didn't hear that (I later then heard it in my video weeks later when I was watching it) I could hear my sister talking to someone and I thought to myself how does my sister know someone here well enough to be talking to them and I turned around and it was Andrea Swift, Taylor's mom.

After I turned and saw Andrea, I tapped Abby on the shoulder and she turned around and we all screamed "Hi!!" She said to us "Have I seen you guys before? You guys look really familiar." We were like "No no no no!" and then she proceeded to say "Are you girls sure I've never seen you before?" and at this point we were crying because we knew that the next few questions that were coming were the ones we've were waiting for all night. "And you would never tell a lie to me, right?" and we all yelled in tears "NO!!!" and she then said "How does meeting Taylor in rep room after the show tonight sound?" and we yelled in her face "YES" and she gave us a big group hug and left and one of the members from Taylor Nation stayed to give us the rep room slip and our meet and greet wristbands. I've always seen videos and posts online about this happening to other people but never in a million years would I think this would happen to US.

After we got our paper and wristbands we all called our family to tell them we were meeting Taylor after the show and the service in the stadium was spotty so we couldn't hear much of what they were saying to us over the phone but I all I remember saying was "I can't hear anything you guys are saying but we're meeting Taylor after the show okay bye!"

King Of My Heart was the song after End Game and that song I honestly don't remember at all, I was to in shock with what just happened and I couldn't physically focus on what was going on stage and before I knew it she was standing on our side of the stage doing her speech before she sang Delicate. She was so close to us and Abby and I just looked at each other and said "We're meeting her tonight, we get to hug her tonight." Taylor got on her little glitter ball that flew her across the stadium over to her first b-stage where she sang Tied Together With A Smile. We couldn't see any of the b-stages but we sang and danced our little hearts out that whole time.

When Taylor made her way back to the main stage it was the end of the show and all I can remember from that was the water fountain coming on stage and Taylor singing This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, taking her final bow of the night and going under the stage. It was chaos after the show, people grabbing confetti, taking pictures and trying to find their way out of the stadium, but us on the other hand had to quickly make our way across the stadium to another section to meet Taylor Nation and the other people who were given rep room passes that night. We made our way to the section and saw everyone else in the section and we finally realized that this was actually happening and we were going to meet Taylor.

We filled out a few things on an iPad and once everyone was done filling things out, a Taylor Nation team member went over the rules for us before hand that way we had more time in the room to take pictures and socialize with everyone. They then brought us all backstage and we had to leave all our stuff on a table outside of rep room before we could go in and the moment we've all been waiting for all night was right there in front of us.

We walked into the room and it was so beautiful. There was so many things in there that I couldn't believe were in there. The throne from the Look What You Made Me Do video was there, the infamous Delicate dress, the rainbow dress from the End Game music video, the red throne dress and the black body suit with rep in silver sparkles from the LWYMMD video were in there as well. The walls were made of just fabric hanging down in gold and black, one wall was actually the wall from the outside scene from the Delicate video. We were given Instax polaroid cameras and film to be able to take pictures since we could't have our phones with us. I got to take many photos and having them as polaroids makes them so much more special, living the moment over again is so easy with those.

After about 45 minutes hanging out, eating food and socializing with other people in the room, Taylor Nation told us it was time to line up to get ready to meet Taylor because she was back in a curtained off room waiting for us to meet her. We all got lined up and were waiting for the moment to finally happen and as we were all standing there Taylor peeked her head out of the curtain, doing her head swoop and said "hey guys!"and I couldn't believe she was standing right there in front of us and I yelled quietly "you're fake!" and my friend Kejana, who also got rep room, heard me but didn't tell me until later. Taylor then proceeded to say "I can't wait to meet you all and my mom is here and she's going to come hang out with you guys before you come back here and meet me! See you guys back here." In this moment I couldn't believe this this was actually happening in minutes.

Andrea came out of the curtain after Taylor peeked her head out and started talking to the group ahead of us before they went in to meet Taylor. A few minutes went by and we were next, Andrea came and talked to us and the feeling of talking to Taylor's mom was so unreal. She was so genuine and cared about us as people, she asked us where we went to school, what our names were and how old we were. The time with Andrea went by so fast and we were up next to meet Taylor, the moment I had dreamed about for 13 years was finally happening.

The curtains opened and Taylor looked at us and said "hey guys!" and we said "Taylor, you look so good!" and her response to us was "No, you guys look so good! All your glitter is so cute." We then all hugged her and afterwards Abby had her moment with Taylor to tell her the things she wanted to tell her. During Abby's time with Taylor I noticed a piece of hair stuck on Taylor's sweatshirt, the OCD in me kicked in and I grabbed it off of her shirt and she looks at me and says "Oh my gosh, thank you so much." and I looked at her and said "I gotchu girl, no worries." After Abby's moment, it was my turn to talk to Taylor so, I said "Taylor can I tell you two things?!" and she said "Yes! Of course" and I said "For one, we just told my sister about the concert this morning and we've had the tickets since December. We kept it a secret for so long" and she goes "What! No way that is insane" and proceeded to look at my sister and said "that's so awesome!" My sister told Taylor "I've been going to your concerts since I was 5," and Taylor's response was to give my sister a high five and to tell her "You go girl that is so cool."

The second thing that I wanted to ask Taylor was something about her cats, Meredith and Olivia. I asked her "how are your cats doing?!" and she told me that they are doing so good and are as fluffy as ever! I then asked her if they were there in the stadium with her that night and she said "Yes. Of course, they are always with me and are usually just chilling in the dressing room." The inner child inside of me just exploded of happiness because I have loved those cats my whole life and always wanted the chance to ask Taylor about them or meet them in general.

After that I told her that I attended the Rascal Flatts concert in 2008 when she opened for them and was the first time Taylor performed in Minnesota as an artist and her eyes lit up and was so happy. She said to me "That was so long ago, you've been here a long time. I'm so sorry it took so long to meet you, I love you." and in that moment, her eyes never losing contact with mine, I knew she loved me and I knew she felt the connection with me. We then continued to talk about my shirt that I was wearing, because it was a concert shirt from the Fearless Tour which took place in 2009-2010 and I turned around and said "Taylor do these stops and date ring a bell?" and I couldn't see the look on her face but Abby told me when I turned around her eyes lit up and she was so happy to see that shirt and be reminded of that tour. During the time when I turned around I showed her my shorts I made for the show, with rhinestones and glitter and how it all came off and she said "but they're still so cute. I love them!"

The conversation between us started to die down and Abby asked her if she would write down stuff for us so we can get it tattooed and she hesitated at first because she isn't supposed to personalize anything but the security guy handed her the sharpie and paper and she wrote down lyrics from Holy Ground for my friend (I won't say which ones just to keep that special to Abby) and wrote down "I love you." for me. I couldn't think of lyrics at the top of my head when she asked me what I wanted her to write down and I knew the I love you from her would help me through a lot of things I go through in life. As she wrote these things down for us we kept asking her for things and she said while laughing "you guys! I can't write all this down" and continued to giggle. She was so sweet and so kind to us.

When she finished writing things down for us she said "you guys ready to take a picture?" and we were so excited for this moment and we asked her what pose she thinks we should do and she said to my sister to go in front of her because she's tall and my sister wouldn't cover her and after that she grabbed me and Abby so tight and pulled us in for a bear hug. I felt her head tilt onto mine and I lost it. I was so happy and content with life in that moment. The flash went off and that was it. I asked her for one more hug before we left and she said to me "of course babe!" and we left the room. 10 minutes of my life have never gone that fast before.

We walked outside where security brought our other friends to wait for us to come out and as we walked out the doors they all were screaming up and down and hugging us and asking how it was. We were still all in shock and we told them all the most memorable parts and showed them the things Taylor wrote down for us. We hung outside for a little bit afterwards to see other people come outside after meeting Taylor and everyone was so happy and that was everything to me.

Writing this was emotionally hard for me to process all over again. It took me almost two months to be able to put it all into words. I am so thankful for this moment I had meeting Taylor with my sister and best friend. Something I dreamed of for countless years. Even though this story is over 3,000 words, the words still don't do justice to what happened that night.

All I can say is, I was enchanted to meet you Taylor.

@taylorswift @taylorswift

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