#ive made our lives harder by having to be true to myself and i love being able to live authentically and not having to pretwnd to be someone

[gopissbepis]

#my boo is an aries #aries x libra was always gonna be intense but i don't want the end to be dramatic #in all honesty i dont want to go through the end of it at all but it has to come at some point #i dont think either of us are fulfilled in this relationship #but for some reason neither of us ever fuck off for long #before we come back to eachother again #its been three fucking years and its exactly like it was six months in #he was having a go at me because i said i didnt think we are in a position to have a baby yet and ima wait til im married to pip another out #apparently hes wasting his time if thats the case #like ok bye if youre not in it for the long run why would u even knowingly bring a child in to that situation #i stilll feel so guilty that i couldnt give my daughter a 2 parent upbringing #im still not sure it wss the right thing to do #for my own sanity i know i couldnt keep living like i was but for my bb she would have had everything she could ever have wanted #ive made our lives harder by having to be true to myself and i love being able to live authentically and not having to pretwnd to be someone #that im not #idk im stonef and lost my train of thought wnd cant read that tag back now so idk lifes just complicated isnt it #i feel like no matter what choices you make theyre always gonna hurt a little #one way or the other #its gonna hurt #aaa

[facade]

vent long personal heavy ok

it’s really helpless and crushing how im always cornered back to the same sad answer of how i should have considered the future earlier. my legs are in so much pain, im crying from how much my body aches and im simply told, you shouldn’t have been in your room all day — despite the fact i wasn’t allowed to go outside, and there was seldom walking space in our awful house. i was always sick, and always dizzy. it is crazy how dangerous black mold can be and yet we had a complete infestation of that and more. i want to consider pursuing a career ive had since i was a child though, im so passionate about art and i still am which might be a blessing considering how much commissions are hurting me mentally and perhaps physically .. opening several, several batches a year, constantly cramming them.. i think i want to do college. but i didn’t take on the scholarship i had when i graduated! i didn’t take the aid that covered my first year.. truthfully i didn’t think id make it so far. im insecure, im suicidal, im fragile. the past decade, i could barely get through anything without crying. it was humiliating to exist as i was in middle and highschool due to the living situation i was in, with no money and feeling i had no true support or even solidarity with my own mother, who must have been under much more stress than i was, trying to provide for her child. but still didn’t sympathize with me at all. the situation was hard, but i should have worked harder .. honestly, i do feel selfish for not having taken advantage of my moms effort to keep me in school, but ahhhhhh, i think it was just too much. i didn’t want to live like this. i was ashamed and disgusted, i still feel discomfort associating myself with that life. i cling to childhood and youth and traditions i missed out on because i lacked so much of that routine as a kid. is it so wrong to cry and want to die that you never got to experience a proper, loving christmas like everyone in your schools did ? no toys, no cable, only a tiiiny tiny laptop (like a 2008 chromebook-like thing) to keep me busy.. i wasn’t allowed to go outside of my own house to play with the dog, nor was I allowed to have anyone come over. wasn’t allowed to visit other people’s houses… not like i remember of that much anyways, as i barely remember anything from childhood except mortifying things.. i recently saw a way to connect to my mother by opening up. i confessed to her a lot of things as i was a mute child and never shared anything, never felt comfortable to — about how it affected me, about how i feel like im in stasis. i told her about what happened between me and my father, what happened between me and my brother, and i felt empty when she looked away from me and didn’t answer. No closure or comfort, and simply said that i should have taken advantage of my opportunities when I had them. And i have sabotaged myself. nothing else can explain for my disability, my mental health, and my plummeting education.

It took me 6 years to get an ID. 5 years to get a bank account. I don’t know how to learn how to drive and I am scared but I have to. i cannot go anywhere without someone’s help, primarily hers.

it feels too unfair, and i am still grieving for every year that passes by, even the previous year, that i am still locked in a house. i have never experienced much that i can call positive memories until i went to be with my best friend and my boyfriend. but that just made the memories painful too; when I think about how I have to end the trip. Board the plane or get in the car, and cry about how I have to go back home and be with my mother. it is not normal, to dread going back there so intensely. i wish i had a different life very badly, honestly, but a comfort i have now is that i think i am now strong emotionally and legally that i can make my own plans, manage my own bank, decide who i can visit without the permission of my mother. but. that is not because of my strength, and it is actually because she is sick. and she now has cancer as of september. I feel like i have been held in my mothers arms forced still for an entire two decades and the only reason she’s let go is because she is, her health is not well. And she has prepared me this week, a conversation of where to find her records, her files, her will, her passwords. Everything, if she passes away soon. i want to sleep forever, because i don’t want to wake up to a day wondering if it will happen soon. I don’t want to be in this position. I am scared. I wish I was with people I loved who loved me. i am shaking and sad. I wish I was too drained to cry anymore because I do it too much, for years. I wish I wasn’t such a sad person. I wish I wasn’t so miserable, I wish I had more happier things to think about when people ask me how I am. I feel miserably

I was gifted breath of the wild a couple years ago, now i am finally playing it. it helps i think. i really enjoy it most for the animal interaction and cooking and exploration.

[chronicallymeforever]

One Month "Port-iversary"

Today I celebrate my one month “port-iversary,” a milestone I am both happy to reach and hesitant to celebrate. This last month has been nothing short of living hell. Physically the first couple of weeks were tough and mentally it has been difficult all along. Although I am nothing short of relieved to have the IV access that I so desperately needed. This has been no walk in the park. Regardless, today I can truthfully say I am grateful for this challenging yet life changing medical intervention. One that I would have never been given without the help of my medical team and fierces advocate, my mother. 

In hopes of one day looking back on this experience and in unity with others who might be actively undergoing a port-placement, have in the past, or might do so in the future I share some of the most promoniate memories, good and bad, of my first month with my new lifeline. 

I am so incredibly appreciative of my amazing surgical team. My surgeon was able to place my port on my left side which was a blessing in itself. He had a great self-confidence which allowed me to place all the faith in the world in him, which in return made my anxiety far less. When I first was scheduled and told that my original surgeon wouldn’t be available I felt as though that was a sign to not go through with the placement. Now that all is said and done I believe that God had a greater, better plan in mind. I give thanks that things worked out exactly as they did. I also could never forget the kindness shown to me by my anesthesiologist. He had a great way of making me feel comfortable and safe, one of those instant patient/physician connections and exactly what I needed before heading into the OR. 

 My mother has selflessly given up hours upon hours to wash-sheets, wipe tears, and clean…and re-clean nearly all of our house daily in order to make this experience less daunting to me. She has always been my rock but throughout this month I learned that I truthfully couldn’t live this life without her. She is a living breathing angel on Earth and I am so loved by her. I am so lucky to get to walk alongside her through this experience and life in general. 

Friendships change continually. Even more so when you live with multiple chronic illnesses. This surgery particularly has left me feeling extremely isolated and lonely. Although I had the gumption to reach out to friends in the early weeks, that has become more difficult as time moves forward. I have had honest conversation after honest conversation with friends about how I am feeling and how I would appreciate their friendship during this difficult time but somehow my attempts seem to be misunderstood or completely fallen on deaf ears. Regardless I hope this next month brings me more social opportunities and a chance to gain some normalcy back. It’s hard enough to go through port placement, it feels even harder to do it alone. 

I’ve lacked the patiences I often lean on with both myself and others throughout this entire experience. Unintentionally I have lashed out on my family multiple times. This could stem from the pain during the first week or so, or just the deep depression and overall dissatisfaction I have felt throughout the month. Either way I hope this next month allows me to regulate my emotions better. I am going to focus on both my faith and routine to get me through these trying times. I also hope that the people around me can see that I am actively trying to be better and adjust to my new normal. 

Not being able to hold my dogs, engage in water activities, or lift things has been hard. Especially because I like to operate independently. For the first bit and even now I feel as though my biggest outlets were taken away from me. I was left with this hole in my chest, no friends, and no true ways to express my emotions. Moving forward, restrictions will lessen more and more. I pray this helps me easier create a new reality with my body, mind, and spirit. 

I’ve always been a really religious person. Although I might not attend church regularly, I pray, or better yet prayed nightly. Leading up to surgery and even now I have struggled with praying nightly. This was very upsetting because I felt as though God would be angry or upset that I wasn’t showing constant thanks and praise for the many, many blessings I receive daily. I have tried to focus on little moments of gratitude daily which isn’t the same but it’s a start. “How can we come to know that God lives unless we struggle enough to need His blessings, tender mercies, and miracles,” I first read that as I followed a fellow health warrior's journey, and I have thought about it nearly daily since. I hope this next month allows me to see and feel tender mercies daily. 

All of my infusion nurses have been outstanding. They have normalized this experience for me and for that I am forever grateful. As a group they have made me feel loved and supported in the best ways possible and at times have been the friends I desperately needed. From explaining what to watch for to saying how great my port sight looks they have made this so much easier. Grateful doesn’t even begin to explain how I feel towards all of them. 

 Lastly, I am grateful to have a supportive family. My father has worked hard to make my health less of a financial burden on my family. While nothing can take away the physical pain of surgery or the emotional pain of having a port placed at 21 years old, I can say being able to not be worried financially is a huge blessing. I hope that he knows just how much I appreciate his contributions. Additionally I feel blessed to have a sister who understands why I unfairly need more attention than her at times. I know it can’t be easy to watch your sister come first, time and time again, even if it's for things such as health. Without her selfless attitude and ability to understand why our family dynamic works the way it does my life would be more difficult than it already is for everyone involved. I love all of my family dearly and am forever thankful for all they’ve sacrificed for me. 

And that’s month one. Today I give thanks for surviving this time in my life and look forward to the future. A day full of baking, school-work, deep thoughts, and celebrations of little moments that have brought me here May each day be one day closer to medical freedom and health. 

#chronic illness #spoonie #grow through what you go through #sick

[mrsjadecurtiss]

What do you think of Robert? What are your opinions on him, do you think that if the war never happened that he'd still go down this self destructive path?

I think Robert was fundamentally not made to be a king - He has the charisma and the looks and is an able warrior, but his negative character traits are indulged and enhanced by his position and led him down an almost unavoidable path.

Robert is someone who above all wants to enjoy and live an easy life:

"You need to come south," Robert told him. "You need a taste of summer before it flees. [...] Flowers everywhere, the markets bursting with food, the summerwines so cheap and so good that you can get drunk just breathing the air. Everyone is fat and drunk and rich." He laughed and slapped his own ample stomach a thump. "And the girls, Ned!" he exclaimed, his eyes sparkling. "I swear, women lose all modesty in the heat.[...]" The king laughed happily. Robert Baratheon had always been a man of huge appetites, a man who knew how to take his pleasures. - Eddard I, aGoT

"Robert wanted smiles and cheers, always, so he went where he found them, to his friends and his whores. Robert wanted to be loved." - Sansa IV, aCoK

He has just enough of a moral understanding to at least know when he is doing wrong and to even feel bad about it at times, but not enough to actually change anything about himself.

The rage was gone from him now; in his eyes Ned saw something sad and scared. "I should not have hit [Cersei]. That was not … that was not kingly." He stared down at his hands, as if he did not quite know what they were. - Eddard X, aGoT

Robert desires to have an easy life, he wants to be loved, he wants to have fun, but he does not want to deal with the hard and unpleasant things. In times of crisis, he wants to take the easy way out, and he prefers to avoid uncomfortable truths.

Lord Tywin stared at him as if he had lost his wits. "[...] When I laid those bodies before the throne, no man could doubt that we had forsaken House Targaryen forever. And Robert's relief was palpable. As stupid as he was, even he knew that Rhaegar's children had to die if his throne was ever to be secure. Yet he saw himself as a hero, and heroes do not kill children." - Tyrion VI, aSoS

"Well, now I know Jaime's dark sin, and the matter can be forgotten. I am heartily sick of secrets and squabbles and matters of state, Ned." - Eddard II, aGoT

"Most likely the king did not know," Littlefinger said. "It would not be the first time. Our good Robert is practiced at closing his eyes to things he would rather not see." - Eddard IV, aGoT

He feels most comfortable when he is surrounded by people who love him and know how to handle him/want the best for him, and steer him onto the right path in a way where he can still feel good about himself.

"These are difficult times. I need good men about me. Men like Jon Arryn. He served as Lord of the Eyrie, as Warden of the East, as the Hand of the King. He will not be easy to replace." - Eddard I, aGoT

In an environment that works against him, or goes against his wishes even if it is for the better, it creates a destructive energy in him. He cannot stand dissent to his wishes because it robs him of a pleasure he desires, and creates unwanted conflict. He also cannot handle constructive criticism because it makes him confront unpleasant truths - he always wants the easiest path with the least tension. If he is presented with a situation that strains his limits as there is no amiable solution to a difficult/disturbing problem, his reaction is a toxic one; turning to rage and violence even towards his own child.

Not for the first time, he wondered what he was doing here and why he had come. He was no Jon Arryn, to curb the wildness of his king and teach him wisdom. Robert would do what he pleased, as he always had, and nothing Ned could say or do would change that. - Eddard II, aGoT

He may act against what he knows is right, because it is the easiest route; like when he has the wolf Lady killed to please Cersei:

“A costly pelt,” Robert grumbled. “I want no part of this, woman. You can damn well buy your furs with Lannister gold.” [...] "We have a wolf," Cersei Lannister said. Her voice was very quiet, but her green eyes shone with triumph. It took them all a moment to comprehend her words, but when they did, the king shrugged irritably. "As you will. Have Ser Ilyn see to it." - “Robert, you cannot mean this,” Ned protested. The king was in no mood for more argument. “Enough, Ned, I will hear no more." - Eddard III, aGoT

"I am sorry for your girl, Ned. Truly. About the wolf, I mean. My son was lying, I'd stake my soul on it." - Eddard VII, aGoT

And when Ned reprimands him about Daenerys he will not hear dissent, even though he knows deep down that it is wrong:

He gave the king a long cool look. “Would [the man who spared Barristan] were here today.” Robert had shame enough to blush. “It was not the same,” he complained. “Ser Barristan was a knight of the Kingsguard.” - “Whereas Daenerys is a fourteen-year-old girl.”

[...] “Not another word. Have you forgotten who is king here?” - “No, Your Grace,” Ned replied. “Have you?” - “Enough!” the king bellowed. “I am sick of talk. I’ll be done with this, or be damned."

[...] “I will not be part of murder, Robert. Do as you will, but do not ask me to fix my seal to  it.” For a moment Robert did not seem to understand what Ned was saying. Defiance was not a dish he tasted often. Slowly his face changed as comprehension came. [...] “You are the King’s Hand, Lord Stark. You will do as I command you, or I’ll find me a Hand who will.” - “I wish him every success.” Ned [...] laid [his badge of office] on the table in front of the king, saddened by the memory of the man who had pinned it on him, the friend he had loved. “I thought you a better man than this, Robert. I thought we had made a nobler king.” Robert’s face was purple. “Out,” he croaked, choking on his rage. “[...] Go, run back to Winterfell. And make certain I never look on your face again, or I swear, I’ll have your head on a spike!” - Eddard VIII, aGoT

“Gods have mercy,” he muttered, swallowing his agony. “The girl. Daenerys. Only a child, you were right . . . that’s why, the girl . . . the gods sent the boar . . . sent to punish me . . .” - Eddard XIII, aGoT

Robert is a man who always wants it easy, he wants his demands to always be fulfilled, to be loved and have fun without dealing with the bad things; but an important theme that is repeated over and over in asoiaf is that you can only act good if you are willing to face the bad that may come with it, and if you cannot live with the consequences, your action might not be justified.*

Bran thought about it. "Can a man still be brave if he's afraid?" - "That is the only time a man can be brave." - Bran I, aGoT

"Sacrifice . . . is never easy, Davos. Or it is no true sacrifice." - Davos VI, aSoS

"The blood of the First Men still flows in the veins of the Starks, and we hold to the belief that the man who passes the sentence should swing the sword. If you would take a man's life, you owe it to him to look into his eyes and hear his final words. And if you cannot bear to do that, then perhaps the man does not deserve to die." - Bran I, aGoT

Ned stood, gently disengaging himself from Sansa's grasp. All the weariness of the past four days had returned to him. "Do it yourself then, Robert," he said in a voice cold and sharp as steel. "At least have the courage to do it yourself." - Robert looked at Ned with flat, dead eyes and left without a word, his footsteps heavy as lead. Silence filled the hall. - Eddard III, aGoT

This is why putting him on the throne was poison - all the power in the world, and noone who would dare go against his wishes. It indulges all of Robert's worst traits, and buries anything he had inside him that was salvageable.

Ser Barristan Selmy spoke up. "Your Grace," he said, "it is not seemly that the king should ride into the melee. It would not be a fair contest. Who would dare strike you?" - "Ser Barristan is right. There's not a man in the Seven Kingdoms who would dare risk your displeasure by hurting you." - Eddard VII, aGoT

I am surrounded by flatterers and fools, the king had insisted. Ned looked down the council table and wondered which were the flatterers and which the fools. He thought he knew already. - Eddard IV, aGoT

And Robert knows it - he knows being a king isn't for him, that he doesn't enjoy the actual work that goes into governing, that he doesn't have the personality for such politics or to deal with the people involved, and that he would much rather spend his time enjoying life and doing what he loves...

"Look at what kinging has done to me. Gods, too fat for my armor, how did it ever come to this? [...] I swear to you, I was never so alive as when I was winning this throne, or so dead as now that I’ve won it." - Eddard VII, aGoT

"I swear to you, sitting a throne is a thousand times harder than winning one. Laws are a tedious business and counting coppers is worse. And the people … there is no end of them. I sit on that damnable iron chair and listen to them complain until my mind is numb and my ass is raw. They all want something, money or land or justice. The lies they tell … and my lords and ladies are no better. I am surrounded by flatterers and fools. It can drive a man to madness, Ned. Half of them don't dare tell me the truth, and the other half can't find it. There are nights I wish we had lost at the Trident. Ah, no, not truly, but …" - Eddard I, aGoT

Robert groaned with good-humored impatience. "If I wanted to honor you, I'd let you retire. I am planning to make you run the kingdom and fight the wars while I eat and drink and wench myself into an early grave." - Eddard I, aGoT

"Let me tell you a secret, Ned. More than once, I have dreamed of giving up the crown. Take ship for the Free Cities with my horse and my hammer, spend my time warring and whoring, that's what I was made for. The sellsword king, how the singers would love me." - Eddard VII, aGoT

And yet he doesn't do anything about it and keeps staying at the position he hates - he does not want to deal with the uncomfortable consequences that would come with upsetting the status quo, or making changes to his own personality and going through growth, or confronting ugly truths about himself in a productive way, etc etc.

He does make a talk of changes at times during aGoT, and seems to have a sense of responsibility about his Job, but as it is his desire for changes came too late, and what responsibility he felt mostly served to paralyze him in place.

"The sellsword king, how the singers would love me. You know what stops me? The thought of Joffrey on the throne, with Cersei standing behind him whispering in his ear. My son. How could I have made a son like that, Ned?" - Eddard VII, aGoT

"I'm still young, and now that you're here with me, things will be different. We'll make this a reign to sing of, and damn the Lannisters to seven hells." - Eddard VII, aGoT

In a way Joffrey is to Robert what Ramsay is to Roose: an exploration of the inherent flaw in their way of life, demonstrated in the most extreme case. In Joffrey's case, it shows what happens to give someone unlimited power with noone daring to oppose them.

Do you think that if the war never happened that he'd still go down this self destructive path?

It's a little unclear which war you mean, so I will briefly touch on several points:

There could have been ideal circumstances where he might have worked out as a king, if he was surrounded by people who know the perfect way to deal with him and make him work past his flaws (intuitively doing the work of a modern therapist), but the average life is not ideal and grrm shows the realistic fate of a man like Robert.

I think by the time Ned arrived it was sadly too late to change - maybe if the Lannisters didn't exist, or this or that event hadn't happened, but Grrm shows that most of what lead to Robert's downfall was in the end caused by himself. Cersei kills him because she came to despise the man he was, and for good reason as he abused her during all her marriage - and while he has some scenes of feeling bad or even apologizing for it, he never made any attempts to actually change the terrible way he was treating her.

If Robert's Rebellion never happened, he would have probably made an able enough Lord of Storm's End; delegating his "boring" administrative duties to his advisors and maester, enjoying the privileges of highborn life, and having just enough responsibility to feel like the alpha male of his society yet not enough to do as lasting damage as he did for the throne. He would not have been the best Lord, but sadly there are many worse in Westeros, since the entire dynastic ruling system is inherently flawed. If he would have been a better person depends on who he is surrounded with, if circumstances would have motivated him to change, or if perhaps his position of power and outward influences would still just have indulged him into the man he was in aGoT. Ultimately, there are a lot of butterfly effects leading to different results that i’m sure have been explored in many fics.

"Love is sweet, dearest Ned, but it cannot change a man's nature." - Eddard IX, aGoT

This was the boy he had grown up with, he thought; this was the Robert Baratheon he'd known and loved. If he could prove that the Lannisters were behind the attack on Bran, prove that they had murdered Jon Arryn, this man would listen. Then Cersei would fall, and the Kingslayer with her, and if Lord Tywin dared to rouse the west, Robert would smash him as he had smashed Rhaegar Targaryen on the Trident. He could see it all so clearly. - Eddard VII, aGoT    

What do you think of Robert?

Since i am someone who frequently enjoys morally grey and villainous characters, despite his many negative traits i have a fondness of Robert; I think he is an interesting character and very human in his flaws, and there is a lot of melancholy to his story that makes me somber about him even if it obviously does not excuse his bad actions. I also think he has a great character design that's fun to draw and some fun boisterous scenes, and some of his positive qualities remind me of people i know.

*Stannis is an interesting character as Robert’s brother, as he is the opposite to him in this regard, as well as in many aspects of their personality and even their outward presentation (like how Stannis crops his beard short to contrast Robert’s wild one)

#asoiaf #robert baratheon #asoiaf meta #my posts #asks #anonymous #of course this is not an extensive analysis and there are more facettes to his character #these are the ones i focused on for this ask as they came to my mind when i reread his scenes #he kinda reminds me of roose in places lol might be why it inspired me to analyze him #Anonymous

[bibbawrites]

Made Your Mark On Me, a Golden Tattoo - Single Dad!Charlie x Owen

THIS IS PART 10 OF THE SINGLE DAD!CHARLIE SERIES, YOU CAN FIND THE OTHER PARTS HERE

Request: none

Word Count: 3760 words

Summary: Part 10 of Single Dad!Charlie, Owen comes to LA to stay with Charlie, Margaux and Meghan, and the boys go on their first date

Warnings: swearing, sexual references, implied sexual content pretty sure everyone knows at this point but this does include romantic chowen, remember this is fictional, if you dont like that just dont read :)

A/N: another day another part lol, i have far too much written for this series considering there is no demand for it but i’m enjoying it so i’m gonna keep writing purely just for @happinessinthedarkesttimes​ and myself lol also! a new nickname for margaux has been unlocked haha she has far too many cause every person keeps giving her their own nickname and ive lost count of how many there are... anyways, enjoy! 

Tag List:  @happinessinthedarkesttimes @molinaroberts @joynersgoatblog @courageous-she​ @littlemissaddict @gloomybrieyxb​ @itsyagorlemmalyn @jatpxmultifan​ @moneybagmgk​ @emeliii1​ @mybradforddream​ (the strike through means it wont let me tag you)

Char sent a message to OPJ

Char owweeeennnnnnnnnnn

Char come to la

OPJ why?

Char i miss you

Char wanna kiss your pretty face

Char and your pretty lips

Char and your pretty 🍆

OPJ charlieeeeeee

Char what? i did nothing wrong

OPJ you just said you wanna suck my dick

Char i never said such a thing

Char read the messages, i only said i would like to kiss your pretty face and your pretty lips and your pretty 🍆

OPJ and we all know what that emoji means

Char get your head out of the gutter honestly

Char maybe i just love eggplant

OPJ ugh whatever

Char so will you?

OPJ will i what?

Char come to la

Char we’ve been officially boyfriends for almost three months and we haven’t even had our first date yet

OPJ when do you want me

Char right now

OPJ that’s not possible bub

Char bub?

OPJ trying something, yes or no?

Char meh i don’t hate it

OPJ i’ll keep looking then

Char anyways, i booked you a flight...

OPJ char you didn’t have to

Char i know i’m just so desperate to see you

OPJ what time and day?

Char ...

Char today 3pm...

OPJ it’s 11am now

Char you better get packing

OPJ already am 

Char oh i know you are ;)

OPJ i didnt mean it like that and you know it

OPJ you’re gonna be the death of me Gillespie

Char i know ❤️

-

The second Charlie spotted Owen exiting the gate he was jumping into the blond’s arms, glad that they both had masks on to prevent him from kissing Owen senseless with hundreds of people around.

“God I missed you.” He muttered, face pressed into Owen’s neck. 

“I missed you more.” Owen replied, pulling back slightly. “Where’s Maggie?”

“With Meghan. She’s visiting for a little bit so she offered to look after her while I came to get you.” Charlie explained, grabbing Owen’s carry on as they headed through the airport to baggage claim. 

“Is she staying with you?” Owen asked. 

“She is, but I may or may not have booked the four of us into a hotel for a few days. She leaves on Thursday so if you wanna stay after that we’ll just go back to my place.” Charlie said. 

“We’re staying in a hotel?” Owen grinned, coming to a stop at the baggage carousel, his eyes focused on looking for his suitcase. 

“Yeah! Mags is pumped, she loves hotels, especially high rise ones. We’re going back to mine to collect the two of them then we’ll head there.” Charlie said

“Does Meghan know about...” Owen trailed off, glancing over at Charlie who shook his head. 

“I didn’t tell her, I wanted to find out what you wanted to do first.” Charlie replied. Owen smiled. 

“I’m okay with telling her.” He said. 

“Or maybe we just act like a couple around her and see how long it takes her to notice.” Charlie suggested and Owen shook his head. 

“You’re evil.” He spotted his bag, leaving Charlie’s side for a few moments before coming back over, his suitcase trailing behind him. 

“Don’t think it will take long, cause the second that front door shuts behind us I’m gonna be all over you.” Charlie grinned, taking Owen’s free hand once the younger boy was back by his side, leading him out of the airport. Owen blushed slightly. 

“Can’t wait.”

-

True to his word, the second that the door was shut Charlie was shoving Owen against the wall and kissing him with so much force that he thought his lips might bleed.

“Fuck, missed you so much.” Charlie mumbled against Owen’s lips, groaning when Owen’s fingers dug into his hips.

“Char...” Owen gasped out and Charlie just kissed him harder, wanting to make up for lost time.

“When you’re done trying to swallow each other, we’re in the kitchen.” Meghan’s voice called and Charlie groaned, stepping back from Owen. He didn’t want to stop, but he knew if they kept going they wouldn’t be able to.

“We should go to them.” He said, and Owen nodded, still slightly stunned from the aggression of the kiss.

“Probably.” He agreed, but neither of them made any attempt to move, so Charlie nuzzled his face into Owen’s neck, just taking in the familiar scent of his boyfriend. 

“This hotel, how is the room situation going?” Owen asked, his hand trailing through Charlie’s hair. Charlie lifted his head up.

“I booked a two bedroom suite. Margaux and Meghan can share one room and we’ll take the other.” He said. Owen smiled. 

“Okay good.” He replied. Charlie raised an eyebrow. 

“Why?” He asked. 

“Remember your texts?” Owen smirked, and Charlie’s eyes widened at the realisation. 

“Don’t be so horny.” He muttered, hitting at Owen’s arm. Owen grinned. 

“Says the guy who just had me pressed up against a wall.” He retaliated. 

“We can hear you, you know that right?” Meghan called, and both Charlie and Owen froze. 

“We did not.” Charlie called back, and both boys decided that was their cue to head into the kitchen, where Meghan and Margaux were waiting.  

“Papa!” Margaux exclaimed the second they entered the room, jumping down off her chair and rushing over to Owen, jumping into his arms. Meghan gave Charlie a look, eyebrows raised. 

“So, finally got your shit together then?” She questioned. Charlie glanced towards Owen and Margaux, a smile appearing on his face when he saw the way the four year old was clinging to the blond boy. 

This was how things were supposed to be. 

- 

Less than an hour later the family of four had checked into their home for the next few days and travelled up to the fourteenth floor to find their room. 

Once they found it Charlie tapped the keycard against the door and pushed on the handle when the light changed to green. Margaux pushed past him, running into the room and heading straight towards the door to the balcony, pressing her face into the glass. 

“Woah!” She exclaimed, standing on her toes to try to see the road below. 

“Good view?” Charlie asked, placing the bags he was carrying down on the couch, before opening the door and letting Margaux out onto the balcony, trailing closely behind her as Margaux rushed over to the railing. 

“Look Daddy.” She grinned as Charlie squatted down behind her, placing a hand on her back gently. 

“Wow look how tiny those people are.” Charlie said, and Margaux giggled. 

“They’re ants!” She replied, leaning back into Charlie. 

“For someone who travels as much as she does you’d think she’d be used to it by now.” Meghan joked quietly to Owen as the two of them stood and watched the interaction.

“Especially since we lived in an apartment building in Vancouver while we filmed.” Owen replied. 

“Kids.” Meghan shook her head in amusement.

“You wanna see your room baby?” Charlie questioned, and Margaux nodded excitedly. 

“Okay let’s figure it out.” Charlie stood back up, taking Margaux’s hand and leading her back into the main room. 

“Am I gonna stay with you Daddy?” Margaux asked, and Charlie shook his head. 

“No you’re gonna stay with Meggy.” He said, motioning towards his younger sister. 

“It’s gonna be like a sleepover.” Meghan grinned. Margaux pouted. 

“But I wanna stay with Daddy.” She whined. 

“You’ll be with Daddy until you have to go to sleep, okay?” Charlie told her, pushing open the door, revealing the room with the two double beds.

“And look at this nice big bed you get to stay in all by yourself. You can fit all of your toys around you.” He added, and Margaux frowned but didn’t protest. 

“Which bed do you want Mini? The window one?” Meghan questioned. 

Margaux glanced at the beds before nodding. Charlie placed her bag onto the bed, unzipping it to reveal the several stuffed toys and dolls they had packed.

“Look, we’ll put all your friends on your bed.” He said as he placed the toys out onto the bed, pulling out Margaux’s blanket last. “And your blankie, and look how nice this looks. You’ll have so much fun sleeping here.”

“And we can even sing with each other at night, or gossip about secret girl stuff.” Meghan added, sitting on the edge of her own bed. 

“What girl stuff?” Margaux questioned, climbing up next to her aunt and snuggling into her arms. 

“Butterflies and glitter.” Charlie joked, and Owen rolled his eyes at the reference, turning and leaving the room as a response.

“We’ll stay up all night talking about boys.” Meghan grinned and Charlie’s smile instantly turned into a frown. 

“Hey! No.” He reprimanded.

“I’m joking Charlie, don’t be a party pooper.” Meghan rolled her eyes. 

“You joke, but we had a full conversation a month ago about how someone wants a boyfriend.” Charlie said, and Margaux looked up. 

“I want a boyfriend.” She chimed in. Meghan laughed. 

“You’re four, why do you need a boyfriend?” She asked. Margaux frowned. 

“Daddy has a boyfriend.” She stated. Meghan smirked, looking up at Charlie. 

“Does he now?” She teased. 

“Shut the fuck up, you knew that. You literally just asked if I had gotten my shit together.” Charlie said, and Meghan rolled her eyes at him. 

“You didn’t confirm it.” She retorted. Charlie shook his head. 

“Hey Meghan, Owen’s my boyfriend.” He stated, ignoring the flutter in his chest at those words. 

“Wow! Thank you so much for telling me, that’s so nice of you!” Meghan replied, her tone thick with sarcasm. 

“Don’t be sarcastic.” Charlie retaliated. 

“What’s that Taylor Swift lyric? The one about looking at him like the stars, that’s you and him. It’s honestly about time that you got your shit together.” Meghan said, flopping backwards onto her bed, giggling when Margaux climbed on top of her. 

“Tay’s my boyfriend.” The tiny blonde stated and Charlie sighed.

“Who?” Meghan shot him a confused look. 

“Taylor Kare. Who played the young version of Bobby in the show. For some reason she’s decided she wants him to be her boyfriend.” Charlie explained. Meghan grinned. 

“I don’t blame her, he’s cute.” She said. Charlie shot her a look and she rolled her eyes before sitting up, Margaux clinging to her like a koala. 

“Hey Mini, why don’t we go get some food and bring it back while your Daddy unpacks all of your stuff.” Meghan suggested. Margaux smiled. 

“Yeah! Can we get KFC?” She asked. 

“Of course we can.” Meghan grinned, before turning to Charlie. “Want anything?”

“Just get one of those big buckets of chicken and we’ll figure it out.” He said as Meghan stood up, grabbing her mask. 

“Okay. I’m stealing your wallet.” She told him. 

“Of course you are.” Charlie rolled his eyes, but handed his wallet over to his younger sister nonetheless, before leaning in to kiss Margaux gently on the side of her head. 

“Bye baby, have fun and be good for Meggy, okay?” He said. Margaux nodded. 

“Bye Daddy, love you.” She replied. 

“Love you too.” Charlie smiled. 

Meghan and Margaux left, the four year old chattering away in her aunty’s arms about something she had seen in Bluey, and Charlie waited until he couldn’t hear their voices anymore to move. 

“Owen?” He called, starting to head across the suite to the room he and Owen were sharing. 

“Yeah?” Owen called back. Charlie pushed open the door, finding a much larger room with a large king size bed in the middle of the room, and a flat screen tv hung on the wall. Owen was unpacking his bag, hanging clothes in the wardrobe, when Charlie entered. 

“Meg and Mags went to get food.” Charlie told him. 

“Okay cool.” Owen replied, looking up after a few moments and frowning when he saw the look on Charlie’s face. “Why are you looking at me like that?”

“Remember the texts?” Charlie raised an eyebrow and Owen’s eyes lit up. 

“Come here.” He said, but Charlie didn’t move. 

“We’ve gotta be quick.” Charlie informed him and Owen nodded. 

“Got it.”

And with that Charlie rushed over to Owen, kicking the door shut behind him.

-

They were a naked mess of sweaty bodies and tangled limbs when Charlie decided to bring up their plans for the night. 

“Oh by the way, I have our date planned.” He said as Owen played with his hair. 

“Am I allowed to know what it is? Or when?” Owen questioned. Charlie nodded slightly. 

“Tonight. At 10:30pm.” He informed the blonde. “And it’s a surprise.” 

“10:30?” Owen repeated. Charlie hummed in response. Owen sighed. 

“That’s all I’m getting?”

“Yep.” Charlie murmured. 

“We’re back!” Meghan’s voice called through the suite and both Charlie and Owen jumped up in fear. 

“Fuck, get dressed.” Charlie instructed, tossing clothes towards Owen, before calling back to Meghan. “Coming!”

In record time they were both dressed and came out of the bedroom, trying to look as casual as possible as they walked over to the table where Meghan had placed all the food. 

“Daddy, you didn’t unpack my stuff.” Margaux pouted, and Charlie placed a soft kiss on the top of her head as an apology. 

“Sorry baby, Daddy got distracted.” He told her as he grabbed some food for her and put it on one of the plates Owen had brought over to the table. 

“Oh gross, you didn’t.” Meghan groaned, glancing between Charlie and Owen, who had turned a bright red in embarrassment. Charlie just shrugged, a guilty smile on his face. Meghan fake gagged. 

“That’s disgusting Char.” She reprimanded. Charlie shook his head. 

“It’s natural.” He retaliated. Meghan hit him. 

“Shut up, I don’t want to know anything else.” She said. The table fell silent for a moment, before Margaux decided to speak up. 

“Daddy we saw a puppy when we were walking.” She grinned, and Charlie pulled a shocked face. 

“Oh my gosh, really? Tell me all about it.” He replied, and for the entire meal Margaux rambled, telling them story after story. 

-

Just before 10:30, Charlie and Owen arrived at their date destination. Owen looked up at the sign, frowning slightly when he saw it. 

“A tattoo parlour?” He questioned. Charlie smiled, despite the fact that Owen couldn’t see it through his mask. 

“You’ve been talking about getting a new tattoo, so I figured we could get a new one together.” He suggested. Owen’s frown melted, a soft look replacing it. 

“Why is that oddly sweet?” He teased, leaning his head into Charlie’s shoulder. Charlie grinned. 

“Cause I’m oddly sweet?” He replied. Owen laughed. 

“That you are.” 

“Do you have any ideas of what you wanna get?” Charlie questioned as he held the door open. Owen gave him a small smile, walking through the door as he answered. 

“I have a couple of ideas.” He said. “Things that I think would look cool.” 

“Oh yeah? Like what?” Charlie’s eyes lit up with curiosity. Owen shook his head. 

“Secret. Want it to be a surprise.” He grinned. Charlie chuckled. 

“Fair enough.” 

After going through the basics and signing some paperwork, it was time for them to get their tattoos. The tattoo artist led them through to the backroom and for the whole time they were there Charlie and Owen didn’t once let go of each other’s hands. 

- 

The two boys left the tattoo parlour a few hours later, hand in hand and new tattoos covered in a protective cling film. 

“Do you wanna head back?” Charlie questioned, swinging their hands between them. Owen sighed. 

“Not really, but we probably should. It’s late.” He answered. Charlie nodded in agreement. 

“True. Plus the date doesn’t have to end just because we go back to the hotel... There’s a nice comfy bed and some red wine with our names on it.” He raised an eyebrow and Owen smiled. 

“Fancy.” 

“Only the best for you.” Charlie grinned, and Owen pulled him close, pulling down their masks so that their lips could meet in a rough kiss. 

And if it took them almost an hour to make the 15 minute walk back to the hotel then that was just between them. 

-

Charlie unlocked the door to the hotel room and pushed it open, frowning when he spotted Margaux sat on the ground, staring out the window at the city lights.  

“Why are you still awake Mags?” He asked as he pulled off his mask, drawing the four year old’s attention to them. 

“Missed you.” She said softly, her voice wobbling. 

“Oh baby, come here.” Charlie squatted down and the four year old ran into his arms, burying her face in his neck. Owen nodded towards their bedroom and Charlie gave him a small smile to let the younger boy know he understood. 

“You were gone but you said you wouldn’t go.” Margaux mumbled. 

“You knew I was gonna go out with Papa for a little bit, remember? It’s okay, I’m back, and I promise I’m not going anywhere. Okay?” He tangled his hand through her curls and the four year old hummed in response. 

“Okay.” She agreed, her voice no louder than a whisper. Thinking quickly, Charlie decided the best course of action would be distraction. 

“Hey, you wanna see Daddy’s new tattoos?” He asked, and Margaux nodded, moving back slightly. Charlie smiled at her. 

“First I got this one here.” He lifted his arm to show her the heart tattoo on his ribcage, the plastic mostly obscuring it. 

“And I got this one here for my favourite person in the whole entire world.” He finished, showing her the tiny cursive M inked into his wrist.

“An M for Margaux, so I always have you with me.” He said, and she peered at the tiny ink on his wrist, a small smile appearing on her face. 

“I like it.” She told him. “Can I have one?” Charlie laughed.

“When you’re all grown up, okay?” He replied, ruffling her hair. 

“Okay.” She agreed. They fell silent, and Charlie was just about to suggest that it was time for Margaux to hop into her bed when she spoke up again. 

“Daddy?” Her voice sounded small. 

“Yeah baby?” Charlie replied. 

“Can I sleep with you tonight?” Margaux questioned, already leaning back into his arms. 

“Of course baby. You got Mr Penguin?” He asked. 

She held the penguin up and Charlie grinned.

“Great, let’s go.” 

He stood up, taking her spare hand to lead her towards the bedroom, pushing the door open to where Owen was sat, already in bed with Netflix loaded on the TV. 

“Papa! I’m gonna sleep here with you.” Margaux exclaimed, diving onto the bed as Owen raised an eyebrow, looking towards Charlie with a knowing look.

“Oh really? What about your bed?” He asked.

“She was sad.” Charlie pouted, and Owen just shook his head. 

“Come on baby, in you get.” Charlie said, letting the four year old climb into the bed before climbing in after her, grinning when she settled into his arms, her head on his chest. 

It didn’t take long for her to fall asleep, and once she did, Owen spoke up, his voice soft. 

“You know one day you gotta stop letting her climb into bed with you.” He whispered. Charlie made a noise in response, his eyes never once leaving Margaux. 

“One day... just not today.” He replied. 

“The longer you give in the harder it’s gonna be for you. Cause I know it’s as much you as it is her.” Owen said, and Charlie sighed, his fingers tangled through Margaux’s curls as the four year old slept peacefully in his arms. 

“I know.” He started. “I just...” 

Owen reached out, linking his hand through one of Charlie’s and giving it a light squeeze. 

“It’s stupid.” Charlie mumbled. Owen moved slightly, placing a kiss on the side of Charlie’s head. 

“I’m sure it’s not.” He assured the older boy. Charlie was silent for a moment before talking. 

“She’s just always been with me and has always needed me to do everything for her, and now she’s getting older and she can do all of these things on her own, and I just get worried that she’s not gonna need me any more, or she’ll decide that she doesn’t want these nights where she asks to sleep with me.” He rambled. 

“You’re her dad. She’s always gonna need you Char.” Owen assured him. Charlie hummed in response, and Owen took that as a sign to change the topic, a small smile appearing on his face. 

“So I’m guessing no post date make out session or red wine.” He joked, and Charlie sighed. 

“Sorry.” He muttered. Owen rolled his eyes, snuggling as close to Charlie as he could get without disturbing Margaux. 

“I was joking Char.” He said, and Charlie moved to place a soft kiss on Owen’s lips. 

“I had a really good time tonight.” Owen whispered against Charlie’s lips and Charlie smiled. 

“Me too.” He agreed. 

“Do we have any plans tomorrow?” Owen inquired, and Charlie paused for a moment. 

“Not that I know of. Why? Have something in mind?” He moved back slightly so that he could look at Owen’s face. 

“I thought maybe the four of us could go play mini golf or something like that?” Owen suggested. Charlie smiled. 

“That sounds like a lot of fun.” He answered. They fell into a comfortable silence, both boys closing their eyes, but there was something that Charlie knew he had to say. He opened his eyes and took a deep breath before speaking.  

“Hey Owen?” He whispered. Owen opened his eyes, focusing on Charlie instantly. 

“Yeah?” He questioned. Charlie smiled. 

“I love you.” He murmured. Owen smiled, rubbing his nose against Charlie’s. 

“Love you too Char.” He replied. Charlie shook his head. 

“No... I’m in love with you.” He clarified. Owen’s jaw dropped slightly, but he recovered quickly. 

“I’m in love with you too.” He returned, and Charlie lent in to kiss him gently. 

“It scares me.” Owen whispered once they pulled apart. “How much I love you.” 

“Honestly, me too. But we’re in this together. And I love you as much as you love me, so don’t overthink it, okay?” Charlie replied.

“Okay.” Owen agreed. 

“We should get some sleep.” Charlie said after a moment and Owen nodded, placing once last kiss to Charlie’s lips. 

“Sounds good. I love you.” He whispered, and Charlie could already feel himself drifting off as he whispered a response. 

“I love you too Owen.” 

#single dad!charlie #single dad!charlie series #single dad!charlie x owen #charlie gillespie #owen patrick joyner #margaux

[aperrywilliams]

I don’t know you anymore/Part V (Spencer Reid x Fem!Reader)

(Not my gif!)

Masterlist

Part I / Part II / Part III / Part IV / Part V

———————

Summary: Reader and Spencer have a lot to talk about (maybe not just talk...)

Word Count: 4282.

Rating: Mature. Angst. Smut. (Hope in the end?)

Warnings: Penetrative sex, cursing.

A/N: This is Part V (and final) of “I don’t know you anymore”. Thanks to everyone who took time to read it. You mean a lot for me!

——————–

We can go sit on your back porch Relax Talk about anything It don't matter I'll be courageous if you can pretend That you've forgiven me

The shock of recent events kept me awake. It was almost impossible not close my eyes and see me in the interrogation room. To see how Gabriel pointed his gun at me. To listen the body of Hunter dropping to the floor. To see Gabriel killed by a bullet fired by Spencer. To see Spencer after more than a year. Much to process. My life had taken a dramatic turn in hours. And there I was, lying on a hotel bed, with my back to the ceiling. What should I do?, was worth staying in Philadelphia?, had I the energy to start again elsewhere? .Whatever I must to decide, there was something kept bothering me: why did Spencer has to be here? By now he should have realized I didn’t "move" much this year. He did it? The things Spencer told me hours before made me speculate some things about 'us' still live in him. Or at least it was my wish. I felt bad. Hunter didn’t deserve my love for him like something functional to try to forget Reid. It was unfair. And now he was dead. My life was turning into a terrible gore movie. I hated that feeling.

My eyes were heavy, but it was impossible to fall asleep. I was tossing and turning. Would it be better to leave Philadelphia? Maybe what I said to Spencer about trying luck in Chicago might be a good idea. Start over. Again. Although something told me I had never started again. I felt still trapped in the feelings that made me flee DC more than one year ago.

In the talk of a few hours before I felt again how there was some habitual between us. As if there were things we never forgot about each other. It felt strangely good. And although neither knew exactly what had happened in the other's life - or at least I didn't - my heart was telling me the essence I loved most about Spencer was there. But it was not an option. I had already made that decision over a year ago. I couldn't back down. There were reasons to end our relationship and it wasn't a whim. I think he also finally understood.

It had to be strong. As much as I wanted to feel his comforting hug again, it wasn't right. I didn't want him to misinterpret my gratitude. Now, was it gratitude I felt at the time? The heat running through my body told me a different story. I miss him. Not a day went by I didn't miss him and want him with me. When I thought I had stopped loving Spencer Reid it was obvious I don't.

We had already tried and it didn’t work. Why should it be different this time?. Maybe it's necessary to give a final closure to this. It's a torture to think of all the "what ifs" possible. I had to let him go. I have to close every window could give us any hope. This had to be done once and for all.

I got out of bed, put on a jacket, and went downstairs to Spencer's room. What was I going to say to him at this hour of night I couldn't do in the morning? I didn’t know. I just knew I need to free that feeling stuck in my chest. I knocked gently on the door twice. Hoped he was awake. If he didn't open the door then I would go back to my room. I wasn’t going to insist. It didn't take more than a couple of minutes when I felt the door open and see Spencer looking at me with concern. He asked me if I was okay or if something was wrong. I wasn’t able to say a word. I just let my body speak for me. I got close enough to rise on my feet and catch his lips. What was I thinking? Probably in a farewell.

Would he be thinking the same thing? It was likely, since while we were kissing he took me by the waist and pulled me into the room, closing the door. How I missed those lips. I felt in a dream, guilty, but in a dream after all. My hands couldn't stay still, my fingers were lost in his soft hair, at the base of his neck, on his shoulders, on his face. I held on as much as I could to him so he wouldn't let me go. Feeling his breath so close to my face again brought me back to the best memories of our life together. Why is so difficult to let this man go?

When Spencer pulled back to look at me, his hands were still on my waist, a sign he didn't want to let me go either.

"(Y/N)..." he tried to speak but I cut him off immediately.

"Shhhh... don’t. You don't have to say anything. I just came to say goodbye…”. I said trying to find his lips again.

"No, I... I need to tell you..." without wanting to stop kissing me, he struggled to get words out of his mouth.

"I don’t want to know. Please don't say anything… just… let me have you one more time, ok?”. I just needed to be with him. I didn’t want to argue. I didn't want to question anything. I just needed him. Tomorrow I would see what to do. I just wanted to feel him one more time. My hands began to search for his skin under the shirt he wore, pulling to remove it from his body. He just released my waist to raise his arms and take the garment out. I dropped my jacket to the floor. Taking my waist again, he pushed me back until my back collided with one of the walls of the room. His mouth began to search my neck while with his fingers he unbuttoned the top of my pajamas and dropped it to the floor. Moans came from both of us. As my nails ripped at the skin on his arms, Spencer was anxious about leaving marks on my skin with his mouth and teeth, drowning out his moans and dropping loose phrases along with my name. I also couldn't help but empty part of my head into words.

"(Y/N)... I missed you so much..."

"Please Spencer... take me... I need you..."

"All these months... I’ve never... left..."

"Neither do I…"

"I’ll never let you go again... I promise..." I don't know if my head was playing tricks on me, but hearing his words gave me a false sense of 'reconciliation'. I knew it wasn’t possible. I pushed those thoughts away from my head and concentrated on his caresses. It's as it should be. Looking for his lips again, I began to push him gently towards the bed, where he dropped down leaning on his forearms, watching as I  removed my pants and straddle him, but not before taking out his own pants, letting them fall to the floor.

There were things I hadn't forgotten about our intimacy, and one of them was what parts of Spencer’s body did I need to stroke and kiss to turn him on. I could see this had not changed in these months. His needy moans were the signal I needed to go along.

Being with his hands free while I straddling him, Spencer started squeezing my breasts. If I had to say what kind of man Spencer Reid was in terms of taste, clearly he is a man of breasts instead bottom. His eyes delighted at the sight, as my hands traced lines across his chest. He took my wrists and pulled me to him to catch me in a deep kiss. As if he wanted to suppress his words in those actions. In whispers some phrases escaped from his mouth.

"Do you want this?... do you want to ride me?... if that's you want, take it. Take everything you want from me. Tonight I want to please you for all the nights we haven't been together…” . I didn't need more. I adjusted my knees between his waist and aligned my entrance with his cock. Without warning I began to sink into him, letting out moans of pleasure as I felt him more and more.

"Fuck Spencer..." was all I could say before completely sinking. He let out a gasp as he felt inside me.

"(Y/N) you take it so good... I missed this so much... you do it so good...". That said, he started moving up his hips to feel more intensely how our bodies were rubbing together. If I had not forgotten how I should to touch him to turned on, he hadn’t forgotten what to do to make me feel this good. My moans were mixed with gasps that didn’t stop our movements. His hands on my hips helped me keep my pace and stability as I arched my back and dropped my head back. The movement became more frantic each time, I could see how Spencer tried to keep his eyes open and fixed on me. I also tried to keep my eyes on him even though was more difficult as I getting closer to my orgasm.

“(Y/N), baby… you feel so good. You make me feel so good. Yes, do it like this, take it, come on... take it all... I love you baby, I love you so much... I’ll never let you go again...". I connected those words to the excitement of the moment, but I couldn't help but remember the first time we had sex after Spencer was released from prison. It was very much like this moment. Both needy, both in love, both missing the other, both making promises about the future. But I didn't want to think about it. Not now. That little distraction was enough to keep me from realizing when I was now flat on my back on the mattress and Spencer began to thrusting me strongly, taking my hands over my head. The feeling was so pleasant I couldn't keep my eyes open. He kept talking to me between moans and gasps.

“(Y/N)… look at me, let me see your eyes. Please…". With effort I opened my eyes and looked directly at him. I could see my own lust reflected in him.

"Fuck Spencer... harder... I'm close...". I was struggling to prolong the sensation as much as possible before my orgasm, but I needed rudeness, I needed to lose control.

"(Y/N) say my name, say it ... tell me how I make you feel..."

"Spence... you make me feel so good... Spencer, you fuck me so good, baby... I love you... I love you so much... always love you...". At the crest of my orgasm those words came out of my mouth. And they were true. I don't know if he really noticed it, but at least they served to encourage him and make him lose control. His frantic movements combined with his fingers over my clit. A couple more thrusts were enough and I had lost myself in the heights.

"Fuck (Y/N)... I'm going to..."

Another couple of thrusts and I could feel how he cum inside me. A deep, hoarse moan came from his throat. Without much trouble, he fell on top of me, sinking his head into my shoulder. Only the sound of our labored breaths could be heard. A few seconds later he leaned on his hands to look at me. His glossy eyes, his lips and cheeks glowing along with that messy hair and beads of sweat running down his forehead were a panorama that only awakened more love in me. Without saying anything he began to kiss me. I just wrapped my arms around his neck and responded with a fervent and deep kiss. When we pulled away I could see a smile on his face. He got out of bed on the way to the bathroom. Returning from my ecstasy my neurons began to work again. It wasn't I regretted what I had done, it was just now I really didn't know what I was going to do. Was this the farewell I expected? No. I didn't expect him to rekindle those feelings in me. So was it true that neither of us managed to beat the other this year?

When he came back from the bathroom he brought a damp cloth and began to gently move it over my thighs and crotch to remove any residue of himself from me. He put it on the nightstand and leaned his back against the back of the bed, looking at me. The time to talk had come.

***

I didn’t expect that. I mean, don’t get me wrong. Seeing her in front of my door in the night ready to 'say goodbye' to me was a lot to process. I let myself go. Of course I wanted to be with her, not for that precise reason, but something inside me told me I could awaken some hope with this action.

I sat down on the backside of the bed and looked at her. It wasn’t the best place or time to discuss this, probably not, but time was running out. I wasn't going to let my silence make her run away from me again. (Y/N) hurried to speak first.

"I think I'd better get back to my room..." (Y/N) said as she sat down on the edge of the bed, her back to me.

"No. We cannot let this go and not talk about it ”

"I already told you Spencer, I just came to say goodbye..." she said avoiding my gaze and getting out of bed. This was going to be more difficult than I thought.

"(Y/N), I need half an hour of your time. Could you do that for me? If after that you think it is best to you leave, that's fine. I will understand...”. Would it be enough time to tell her everything? I hoped so.

"Do you think there are things to talk about?" she said with a bitter smile.

"Of course I do! If I remember correctly the last time we spoke, I didn't say much... and ok, it's my fault. I just want you to hear my part of the story. I propose this: let's get dressed and we can drink a coffee. After this, no one will be able to sleep anyway”. She thought a few seconds, then nodded.

"Ok. A coffee I think would be good idea”

We dressed quietly and I started making coffee from the machine in the room. It wouldn't be the best coffee in the world, but at least it would help. I placed two mugs on the small table settled in the corner of the room and gestured for her to sit down. After taking a sip and taking a deep breath, I started to speak.

"Do you remember how we got our first date?" I asked her.

"Are we going to review our entire history in half an hour?" she said crossing her arms over her chest. She was in defensive attitude. I tried not to let that stop me.

"You remember it?". I insisted.

"Yes. We had seen each other in Dr. Stevens' office a couple of times. When he wasn't there we talked for a while if you were willing to wait for him. Until one day I dared and invited you to a coffee. I think it was the first time I invited someone to come out first…”. (Y/N) said with a warm smile.

"That’s right. And I was so glad you did. It would have taken me more months do it myself, you know? Well, and I also suppose you have realized all those times I was going to visit Dr. Stevens, I really knew he was not there and I only came to see you…”. (Y/N) shook her head and bit her lower lip trying not to laugh.

"I wasn't sure, but I had no doubts about that either..." she said taking a sip of coffee. "It's a nice memory Spencer, but I don't know where you want to go with all this..."

"Do you remember our first kiss?" I said without wanting to answer her last question.

"Are you saying the time I kissed you on the threshold of my apartment door when we went out to dinner?". (Y/N) said describing the moment.

"Yep. Precisely. When my hands were shaking and I was dying to kiss you but I didn't dare. Until you did it and also, inside I thanked the gods I would not have had to wait months until I dared to do it. Well, I could also list several things I didn't dare to do for fear of rushing things or fear of ruining what was happening between us…”

"Yes, you were quite shy... I had forgotten that part..." (Y/N) said.

“But I learned a lot of things with you. I started to feel more confident in myself, especially in a relationship. I don't want to be a thorough on this, but I don't think I've ever told you how much I learned from you. And I regret not tell you about it before… just as I regret not having been more explicit about how important you were in my life the whole time we were together…”

“At that point I think the fault fall on both of us. We just took it for granted…” (Y/N) said with a sigh.

“The last time we spoke… over a year ago, you said things to me I didn't expect to hear, even though I was very aware our relationship was in bad shape. You said it was impossible to repair something that was already broken... and told me you felt you were not what I needed...". I could see how (Y/N) avoided my gaze and concentrated on her coffee mug. I dared to take her hand to make her look at me. "Hey!... I need you to know a few things about that so you understand why as far as I'm concerned, you shouldn't think that."

"Do you really think you can repair something that is broken...?" she said with a bitter smile.

"Not repair, rebuild. But for that we have to go back to our initial pact, remember?” I said, stroking his hand with my thumb.

“To tell everything we feel. No hide anything”. I nodded.

"Yes. And in that, I failed. I know. I broke that promise and left you enough away for you thought you were no longer important in my life. Do you remember what I told you the day I was released from prison?”

"I do. That we were going to make up for lost time. That we were never going to part. That no one could ever intervene in our relationship again…”

"That’s right. What I didn't count on was my obsession wanting to remove the things had happened in prison. As if not saying them was enough to make them not exist. But they did exist. Some you saw, some you felt... but I didn't want to tell you anything. I kept it for myself”

"Why did you do the opposite of what we had agreed? Did you really think you could protect me that way? Protect me from what?..."

"From me. It’s true I was no longer the same person, (Y/N). When you told me you felt you didn't know me anymore, it was confirmation of that. But what I never wanted to reveal was I was afraid of the person I had become… and I was afraid of hurting you by showing you this part of me. I was afraid to show it and give you a reason to stop loving me, for not being the same person you felt in love in first place. For some strange reason I thought keeping the routine between us was going to block the growing anger, the little patience, the lack of control I came to feel many times. Which, clearly, was not successful: our constant discussions proved it, do you remember?". I could see how tears rolled down (Y/N)'s cheeks. I also felt my eyes fill with tears, but I needed to stay calm to continue talking.

"I just wanted to know, want to help... but you didn't want to speak to me...". (Y/N) said between sobs.

"I see that. I left you apart. It's my fault. Believe me, I never wanted to go that far. But you should know it has always been you. You were the only person who could have understood and I left you out… you are the one who knows me better than anyone and although blindly, you knew exactly things were not right”. I said taking her other hand with mine.

"And what has changed in these months? What could be different now?..."

“I just want to say one more thing before I answer that question. The thing is… it’s completely false you are not the woman I deserve. It’s completely untrue you are not enough for me. And please forgive me for whatever I did to make you think that. I don't need a woman with an IQ equal to mine, I don't need a woman who with my same job, I don't need a woman who thinks like me, who has my same schedule, I don't need a woman with a stunning external beauty. I need you. You. You are the only woman to me. Even if I'm the one who doesn't deserve you. You’re intelligent, you have made your own way in life, you’re understanding, loving, so brave, you have overcome all the troubles you have faced, you are able to share your love with others, you are able to understand me ... and what a challenge! You have been my rock for three years and I had to lose you to be able to realize it…”. I released her hands, got up from the chair and walked over to where she was sitting. I knelt down in front of her and took her hands again. Tears still ran down her cheeks.

"Please Spencer, stop... don't keep talking..."

"I have not finished. I have 5 minutes to talk…”. That made her smile a little. “About your last question… what has changed? My love for you has not changed one bit, but my desire to compensate for having broken my promise and wanting to be with you beyond anything else is a realization more present in me today than before. What could be different? Whatever we'll want to be. I’m willing to do everything in my power to make you love me again, to you trust me again, to win back you as my friend and lover. Do you want to stay in Philadelphia? Okay. I’ll stay with you. Do you want to go to Chicago ? I’ll go with you…”

"I love you Spencer ... but I could never make you quit your job for me..." she said getting up from the chair and taking my hands so I could get up too.

"Not just for you, my love. For us. If it’s necessary, I’m ready to do it”. She was shaking her head.

"No, doing that would destroy you...". (Y/N) said hugging me and resting her head on my chest.

"I already feel like I'm completely destroyed without you ...". I said as I pressed her against my body. "Please give me a chance to show you how important you’re in my life...". I said without being able to hold back my tears. We were silent holding each other and sobbing.

"Maybe there is something else we can do...". (Y/N) said in a soft voice, barely perceptible. I pulled away to look her in the eye.

"I'll try anything you want...". I said.

"Let's to know each other again...". I looked at her a little oddly. I didn't know if I was comprehending what she meant. She smiled. For the first time an openly smile and I could see a different sparkle in her eyes. She took a pencil and paper from the table and wrote a number. "This is my number. I don't know how many more days I'll be here in Philly. I have to put things in order before going anywhere else. A few days ago I received an email from Dr. Stevens of Georgetown, asking me what I was currently working on. I think he has an open spot on his team. I'll think about it…". My smile could not have been bigger, which (Y/N) noticed and hurried to keep talking. “If I return to DC, I’ll stay with my sister a while. Time will tell Dr. Reid. Sounds good to you?". I happily nodded. She approached to me again, she tip toe rose and gave me a long, deep kiss. When we pulled away she gave me a smile, grabbed her jacket and left the room. Before closing the door she said "I love you Spencer. I mean it. Call me".

That’s what they call hope, a feeling that makes things almost impossible feel achievable. I clung to that hope. I trust in this woman with all my being. And if this is my last chance, I'm not going to waste it. I dialed the number on my phone and save it. This time, I won't let anything unsaid between us.

——————–

#spencer reid #spencer reid fanfiction #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid x fem!reader #criminal minds #dr. spencer reid #spencer reid angst #spencer reid smut

[somewhat-sane]

Discovered the song ‘interlude IV (showtime)’ by Zach Callison the other day, and can’t help imagining how well it could fit with hello Charlotte. Assigning characters for certain parts is also difficult because of Hello Charlotte reasons. (I have not seen Heaven’s Gate)

Zach is Charles, both directly but also can work for his offshoots.

Juanita is most definitely Tulpa!Scarlet though.

Christie is harder to pinpoint.

Lyrical not really Analysis underneath

[Christie : We're finally free

Welcome home

It's just you and me now

Standing alone

The world is ours]

I can see Anri saying this to Charles. Their us against the world kind of thing. Maybe in the scenario in which they successfully ran away together.

I also get the imagery of Q84 and Charles at the end of Episode 3.

[Zach: No, it isn't

C: Get in the car

Z: This isn't finished

C: What?

Z: Even though the kid's dead

I'm still seeing red

I'm just a shell of his form

That his innocence shed

C: He lived a good life and he gave it to you

Z: Oh, is that right?

You know it's not true]

Yeah the still seeing red thing invokes the Scarlet imagery for me. However in the context of the song the kid is Zach, but like the ‘innocent but hurting’ version that he (metaphorically) killed to try and stop hurting. It doesn’t help.

So Charles could be talking about ... well himself (or maybe he’s mourning Vincent)

Or Q84/Charlotte talking about Charles. The ‘he gave his life for you’ making kinda sense as his offshoots.

[Z: Look at him showered

In blood and flowers

Now look in my eyes

She still holds the power

After years and tears

And confronting his fears

He's dead on his record

For the world to hear]

Yeah this just evokes Charles’ suicide and Tulpa Scarlet still having a hold on him even after all this time. Or his mother.

[Z: And they'll all think

That it was suicide

But Christie I know

It was you inside

C: I saved him

I held him

'Til the moment he died

Z: You choked him out of his own

Goddamn mind

You promised the world to him

A goddamn lie]

This could be Charles and Anri or Charles/Q84 and Scarlet ( for what Tulpa!Scarlet did). Could also work in the context of Charles lashing out at his mother for giving birth to him, promising the world to him.

[C: What do you want from me?

Z: Oh, look outside yourself

C: I won't help you take her down

Z: Fine

I'll do it by myself]

Anri can’t help Charles with his Tulpa. There’s only so much she can do.

Also still Q84 being frustrated at how Scarlet can’t help her. Q84 just deciding to take things into her own hands.

[C: You don't need it

Z: Oh, I know that I need it

C: She's been gone for years

I know you can beat it

Z: No, look in the mirror

You know we both fear her

We're one in the same

We're afraid to be near her

We utter the name

With our spirits defeated

But you let me kill him

You're worse than Juanita]

Again I see Anri trying to calm Charles down in the first part. I can’t see the whole ‘we’re both afraid of her’ working in this case, but still Charles partially blaming Anri for how far gone he’s got.

Q84 and Scarlet confrontation here is still pretty good. They both fear/hate Tulpa Scarlet, Q84 as an extension of Charles and what’s happened to him, Scarlet seeing a terrible version of herself. (Rather than ‘you let me kill him’ it’s more ‘you let her kill him/me’ or ‘you drove him to suicide’)

[C: I told you to end it

It was all for the best

Z: So I have you to blame

For this pain in my chest

Both: No!]

Anri was trying her best and it didn’t work.

[Z: If you won't go I will

To avenge the lost soul I killed

C (Z): You're filling your heart up with hate

All the same (no!)

As the kid (no!)

That you just left (no!)

Face down on the (no!)

Pavement! (Save it!)]

Strong Q84 vibes here. Avenging Charles. And Scarlet is the only one I can imagine against her as Christie.

[Z: It's time I made a statement

A pity the city has ruined us

We could've fooled Hollywood

Just the two of us

But

Juanita has made a fool of us

C: You're lost

Z: One, two, three, four

Is this what love is really for?

Is this all I get for being yours?

The kid in front of me in blood and gore

Five, six, seven, eight

Years put to waste for all I hate

They'll all know Juanita's fate

That show's about to start

Don't be late]

It’s time for Charles / Q84 to take charge.

Okay yeah this isn’t quite accurate to the storylines, but it was still fun to imagine. Writing it down like this, it’s half Charles and Anri in the true realm, half Q84 and Scarlet in the false realm. So two different confrontations, that theoretically can’t work in the same timeline since... a lot of overlap on identities and who is actually existing. And some of the characterization is off. But still, this was fun.

...Juanita could also refer to the ‘people on the other side of the screen’ as an entity for both Q84 and Scarlet to hate.

#hello charlotte #zach callison #interlude iv (showtime) #I speak to the void #wish I could make animatics

[floralkittygambler]

Reposting for reasons

Response to Honest’s post here: Doing this to spread this awareness more as I know theres a bit of a rift in the critical community - plus I really fucking go on. Im PISSED and I do apologise however it NEEDS urgent addressing. I know people will hate me for it but Im used to hate and honestly? Hating rather than helping to solve the issue only furthers my fucking point here. So yeah this is so more people are aware (no offense to any of those involved in said rift either, but this is an important message. Thank you for understanding and if I can do anything to make all sides comfortable, then please message me and I’ll do my upmost.) “ More awareness of this is needed. Even if it’s your favourite, you can’t justify their shit but rally against another’s shit. Have people tell you you’re experiences arent real or invalid because, like Husk, people have - in real life - shipped you with someone you are far from comfortable with but you still treat them like a person. Because you have basic respect. And people force you to accept harassment, touching, stalking, advances for THEIR satisfaction. People use you for their fantasies. But you’re just a ‘tsundere’ for it. Or you have addiction issues but people think being with another addict will ‘save’ you because you’re apparently too incompetent to save yourself. Love isnt some magic fuckin cure so stop romanticising it as a fuckin saviour. It’s gross and fuckin creepy. Get stalked and have someone NEVER accept your no just because you show youre still decent enough to not treat them shitty or any different from anyone else. Try having someone way older or way younger (both in morally fucked up ways) advance on you and people encourage that. People you’re supposed to feel safe around.

People touch you when you pull away or show discomfort. Follow you home. Have pictures of you and wont accept you dont like them like that and it’s not ‘playing hard to get’ or ‘the thrill of the chase’. Fuck. OFF. In fact, Im not only disappointed in the fandom. Im disappointed in the entire team who some should know better from their OWN personal experiences - or at least the bare minimal of being a fucking adult. Im disappointed in especially females (sorry idk whether girl or woman is more appropriate here-) who statistically are more likely to have experienced something similar at some point in their lives think this is a cute gay moment. No. Angel is made out as a fucking predator - Im not saying he is, Im saying that his persistence is very fucking unwelcome like one. People like Husk dont need that fucking invasiveness. They/We need patience and someone on our level. Angel’s I know are the fuckin polar opposite - and some of them I know are very sexually harassing, including unwanted touching. It’s a shitty way to present gay people. Gays are fuckin people. Some are cunts and some arent. It’s a HUMAN thing. But considering the shit theyve been subjected to, presenting a gay as a victim only to also show them as a perpetrator is insulting! And for those Ive seen argue this about how people like AD wouldnt know how to express their love normally and whatnot? His pig. His best friend. He’s in his fucking 30s. There are literal real life criminals who get molested as kids and then go on to molest kids. Not all who grow up like that turn into nonces. Stop just fucking STOP justifying and romanticising this bullshit! I used to see the good in AD but now he makes me fucking sick. Especially with my verrrrrry fucking real traumas and connections. But fuck me, eh? Because this fictional guy matters so much more. Fuck real victims. And whilst we’re at it, fuck AD too when it suits your fetishes! Sarcasm aside, the fans and the team need to straighten up their abhorrent behaviour. Stolas. Fucking clearly having an affair, knowingly fucking up his daughter’s mental health and bribing a guy into sex who only wants the book and nothing more. He even has a fucking warning button over Stolas- Guys, how do you think any of this is cute? Even the team gross me out- I genuinely see potential and talent and it’s all gone to shit to satisfy horny teens, horny adults, and literally everyone who doesnt for the life of them understand being an adult is more than sex, drugs, violence and swears! I REALLY want to keep enjoying HB/HH but it’s getting harder and harder with such ignorant and bordering lazy creators (note: lazy as in wont do the fucking research or actually listen to real criticism and victims), such despicable fans (yeah, some HDers fuckin mocked that they triggered my ED, yet they had the fucking NERVE to support Angel’s potential ED AND laugh and blame me for me getting treated so badly for actually having the balls to call Angel and the teams hypocrisy. I got told to kill myself, that my problems arent real - oh but Angels apparently is! Which... They *are* but AD isnt real so technically only onlookers will suffer and not a drawing  - and they just excused their toxic behaviours. These people are like “aww poor angie babey!” yet fuckin INSULT sex workers. All this red in Hazbin yet it feels everyone and they mama colour blind. The issues are getting worse and fans are outright becoming EVIL, VILE, Vindictive little bullies - from kids to adults. You SHOULD be ashamed of yourself if you conduct yourself in such a manner. And you need to readjust your attitudes and behaviours because the only fuckers getting hurt are actual fucking victims. Ever been violated and been gaslit so much you STILL fucking question it’s reality? So you drown that shit out yet somehow it’s effects still hit you? Fetishise it. Make it your uwu gae couple goals, you’re no better than people believing Harley and the Joker werent toxic af. If this shit happened to you, most of you would actually SEE where we’re all coming from. Also, stop making gay a fetish - you’re like those creepy old men in the alley heckling lesbians to make out so they can wank off. Gays, no ALL the LGBT+ are fucking people too. So dont give me that bullshit then start turning everything just gay or just straight to mentally wank off to. It’s degrading and dehumanising. And yes, fiction does effect reality. You crush on a fictional character? Mourn one? Support one? Hell, fuckin jerk off to one - that’s affecting reality. Remember how in fiction all blacks were treated as villians? Look how theyre treated IRL. JAWS, great classic unfortunately their was a spike in shark killings over a fucking movie - the shark in the movie wasnt even real for the most part because they dont behave like that! (Also the animatronic was so shit they genuinely had so many issues - I think they even took to naming each one! Some fun trivia there!). Tiger sharks are more nasty than great whites as tiger sharks will hunt and eat a human. Great whites prefer seals and dislike human flesh, they just mistake us for seals. Hell, theres the toothless basking shark - theyre often SWAM WITH by divers for being so friendly. Yet Jaws made people think all sharks are bloodlusting over humans. Slenderman was created for a fucking contest and that influenced a stabbing (NOT Victor’s fault). Watch a horror movie that isnt based on a real life event and tell me that at least ONE has left you peaking over your shoulder. Stella may be a bitch - we dont know for certain - but try getting cheated on. Y’know what? Try growing up in such a broken home like Octavia. Yeah reaaaaaal fucking cute now, huh? Funny how as well y’all petition for male victims to be taken seriously then laugh when fictional males experience this abuse, further adding to stigma. You can be hit on by the hottest mf on the planet but if you arent interested, that should be respected! Also we’ve all been inspired by at least one fictional character so yeah. Yknow, since I was little Ive been fighting for sex worker and homeless rights. But HH/HB treatment of both leave a bitter taste in my mouth. I’ll still fully support sex workers and the homeless, but that’s the fucking effect this show is having. Bearing in mind I wont ever share everything Ive been through - and I shouldnt fucking have to in order to be believed and validated (obvs proof is required in a legal case but that’s a whole other topic). Why should I share MY fucking pain especially when you fuckers have belittled and triggered it more so? We have our rights to our secrets but fuck ME you lot NEED to start acting appropriately and like decent fucking humans. ‘iTs HeLl’ yeah and welcome to Earth- the team and yourselves live HERE. You obide by THESE rules. And as someone with beliefs (and a LOT of ancient fucking texts and studies on this shit) their Hell isnt even a proper Hell! It’s closer to purgatory and even then it’s not. Regardless, it’s a poorly built world with the lore consistently changing per episode and tweet, with many plot holes, and is apparently easy to get into - even via accidentally watching porn according to a stream. If youre gonna parade youre a fucking expert and research into demonology and use real believed figures, at least get THAT right. In fact, Lucifer and Lilith (and Stolas tbf) are ESPECIALLY risky as theyre a lot more complex than most easy access texts will tell you. Likewise, Stolas’s first introduction and main focus is sex. He’s one of the FEW Goetia demons that dont have some involvement in relationship issues at ALL. He’s known for astrology, crystals and herbs but hes also known to aid MONEY troubles (it’s lesser known but it’s true! HB Stolas is an insult to the Prince). Turning Vodou into something evil is vile considering it’s powerful and liberated slaves. Pentagrams are nothing to do with Satan, they’re magic based sigils. Upside down cross is the symbol of a SAINT. It’s just some edgy attempt to trick people into believing they know more than they do. Also you should NEVER dabble and doodle sigils without knowing the meanings or respecting what they behold. Vox and Val, real fuckin cute way to make them look like a stupid fucking highschool drama instead of a fucking SEX TRAFFICKER (note: real pimps often target YOUNG folks too - aka minors - and groom them into sex work. Theres different types of pimp. Viv has shown barely any understanding of ‘the game’ and its a fucking insult to injury. Yes we KNOW what a fucking pimp and prozzie are! We dont need to see it. We need REAL AWARENESS.) and a fucking scheming bastard of a CEO salesman botman. And yet even THEN lets go a step further and make some yandere wuv on boyfweind aboose! Fuck off- Now I love a good anime but these tropes are getting fucking dangerous now. And unrealistic to real love and relationships. Kids nowadays know fuck all on a healthy relationship (neither did the fuckin 50s tbf) and Im seeing more romaticism and glorifying abusive situations. Like the show ‘You’. Ok, there’s a fuckin bloke online who slaughtered innocents and kidnapped yet people commented how cute he is on his IG and that they want to be kidnapped or killed by him next. Dont believe me? Look up Peter Manfredonia Connecticut and the comments people left him and then tell me why shit like whats being presented in HH/HB ISNT fucking concerning - because it is. For a series about redemption, it’s brilliant at the opposite (Quote from the creator herself, Viv has posted that it’s influencing her bad choices. Even as a joke, proof’s in the pudding). And the overall focus on sex in the way Viv does is so immature and really creepy, and this is from an ADULTS perspective. From one adult to another, Im concerned as to why any of them think this is a normal fixation. Then again they’ve hired quite a large amount of dodgy folks and even a child. Most of this shit gets avoided with a basic background check like most companies run. I DO like Hazbin. Or the premise. I love some of the cast and spite the others. In Helluva, I just like a tiny portion of the cast. And I critique it so harshly because Viv DOES need a wakeup slap, grounding to reality, people who arent going to big her up or kiss her arse for once and shape her up to be the best she can be. The actually reach and even surpass her potential. And to reach where you need to be, there’s a lot of harsh lessons youll face. That’s life. Shes chosen one of the most HEARTLESS industries and if she blocks out critique as ‘hate’ then she’s not strong enough and wont last. It’s just another unprepped YanDev again (except I dont believe Viv to be a nonce. Even with her dodgy past and dodgy present, I think her perspective on sex and relationship with sexuality is FAR from healthy BUT I dont believe she’s a pedophile. Ive bled my fair share and so far, I just think her sex perspective isnt healthy or mature for her age. But there’s little to nothing to suggest actual noncery - dont worry about accusations there. But YanDev is totally a dirty predator. Just clearing that up). Viv NEEDS some harshness and stability if she wants to do things right. And it’ll make her fucking cry but if she loves these projects as much as she claims to, then you’ll sacrifice blood, sweat and tears for that shit. Even the strongest points are mediocre at best when properly observed. She CAN do more, but she’ll have to face the harsh music. Viv wont see this, but if she does, I dont care if it upsets her. Why? Because this is that much of an issue - something she’s cultivated - that she needs to take action and not ignore it or be secretive about it. She needs to grow up and get tougher skin. Im not saying this to cause her pain. In fact, I wouldnt waste my fucking limited time if I DIDNT care. Trust me, I have duties to be met at a certain quota every single day. I say this shit only because I give a shit and care. If we met, she’d fucking hate me. But people like me are good for shaping people up to their potential. And we arent always this ‘tough love’ either. But when someone needs that level of harshness to help themselves, we’re not afraid to lose people or cause upset if the results end up being the best for them. If she ever saw this, she needs to re fucking evaluate her message, her story, and those she’s choosing to welcome into her circle. And all Im seeing is one rookie mistake after the other. Her paid patreon discord. Just like the messages Honest has posted on her side of being harassed (not in Vivs fyi), Ive experienced shit and bullying and even stay silent on their for being attacked for a group I fuckin paid to be in and yet I feel isolated. It’s all arsekissing and ‘thank you viv’ (thats an actual channel-) and it feels like a place of borderline worship and people trying to appease her 24/7 whilst kicking others with different opinions down. There’s so many I love but I aint kissin yer fuckin arse. Ask the closest friend I have - we’re fucking raw and wont just side with each other just because. We’ll call each other out if we think they’ve fucked up and then help each other build themselves up better. Because real fuckin people who actually care wont just want to be adored by you. They’ll care enough to point out your bullshit and help you, even if they upset you at the time. They’re real and upfront with you. People like us arent always the easiest to be close to either because we arent afraid of upsetting someone if it’s in their best interest and to help them. Likewise, we dont go out looking for fights either. Most times, we’re fuckin soft bastards- All this shit listed is the fuckin surface level of the real life hell of this fandom. And unsurprisingly, those who experience little to no toxicity have always been higher on that popularity ‘food chain’ - enough admirers and shared opinions that people wanna arse kiss regardless of their OWN feelings as well as neutral perspectives. I’d say you’re the lucky fans, but you’re not. You’re sheltered, and that isnt always the best way to be sadly. As for the fans. If Ive upset you. Well... I dont care. Because many of you have actively sought me out and weaponised my traumas against me. You never cared about my feelings then. Why should I care about yours? Im not doing this out of malice. Im fed up of humans behaving so pathetically yet claiming to be high and mighty. Most of you have been arseholes to those in and out of the community. The victims and non-victims alike. Hardly any of you considered once my real suffering. You put a drawing over a life. Many lives. You had the audacity to tell me Im full of shit. Some even using my real traumas to make a mockery of me and those Im around with a very similar history. Some with traumatic histories that differ from my own. You hardly ever considered the real lives of those effected. So no, Im not sorry for having the fucking balls to this day to still stand up for our rights and give us a voice that’s long been stolen. Im not sorry for being a fucking victim. Im not sorry for saying what desperately NEEDS voicing. And Im not sorry for not conforming to you or any fandom just to belong. We deserve better than to constantly be your fuckin arse monkeys (well... the trope is butt monkey but yknow-) and to be mistreated, misrepresented and harmed by you. You’re no different to the school bullies who give speeches on anti-bullying day. And I hope every single one of you starts looking into yourselves and improving. PS: Depending on the texts you read, Lucifer is said to have been redeemed or to be redeemed. Fun fact to haunt yalls with~ “

#warning long #long post #hazbin critical #very long rant #important #hear victims voices #just sick of how awful people can treat one another and believe this is acceptable #everyone is accountable #toxic fanbase #Toxic shippers #toxic ships #im literally too fucking old for this #forgive the anger but after years and years it gets so cumbersome and tiring #im happy to be the pariah if it means victims actually get heard and helped

[jumukus]

A3! Event: Starring Party ‘Stories of ‘24′ 2′ Translation

Let’s watch the video messages from everyone! p.s. the words in italic mean they’re taken from the video.

Citron: Hello, I'm Citron~! I played Tennis Saionji in Spring Troupe's sixth play "Harugaoka Quartet".

Izumi: It's Enis Saionji!

Citron: Oops, I said it wrong.

Banri: We're going hard right from the start, huh.

Citron: So I'm the first one!

Kazunari: I compiled the videos in reverse order.

Citron: I had a lot of fun when my turn to be the lead actor finally came. After all, I was merely an extra in our first play. I thought I was being bullied!

Tsuzuru: That's because you couldn't even say your lines, duh!

Citron: I was really happy to be able to perform my favorite violin-themed play with my beloved troupe members.

It's all thanks to Tsuzuru. I appreciate it.

Tsuzuru: I didn't do anything special…

Citron: I'll have him rewrite "RomiJuli" script and make Friar Laurence the lead at this rate!

Tsuzuru: Hey, hold it right there!

Citron: In my "spring," I'm not alone. I'm with everyone. Let's keep traveling the world through various plays!

Chikage: I'm not sure whether to feel moved or to laugh.

Itaru: That's Citron for you.

Masumi: He's the same as ever.

Sakuya: Let's keep performing together, Citron-san!

Muku: Eh, um, ah, uhhh…!

Yuki: You're too nervous.

Misumi: Hang in there~!

Izumi: Muku-kun, calm down.

Muku: Y-Yes!

Uhh… I'm Muku Sakisaka. I played Florence in Summer Troupe's sixth play "Floral Prince".

This play is really, really precious to me, since I've got to play my dream role, a prince.

I didn't have any confidence at first. But thanks to everyone in the Summer Troupe who supported and encouraged me, my dream came true on the stage.

I could take on the lead role because I've been rehearsing together with them ever since I joined this troupe, not only in this play.

Kyu-chan has known about my dream since we were kids, and standing onstage with him as the semi-lead was reassuring. Thank you.

Kumon: Me too, thank you!

Muku: I'll continue to work hard to become an ideal prince. Please take care of me!

Misumi: I'm sure Muku can become all types of princes~!

Yuki: Anyway, your standard of an ideal prince seems to be high.

Kazunari: I think Mukkun is already princely enough~.

Tenma: Good luck.

Muku: Yup!

Juza: I'm Juza Hyodo, portraying Blood in Autumn Troupe's sixth play "Fallen Blood".

Since this play marked the first time I took on the lead role, it made me think about a lot of things, like my potential as an actor and my goal.

I still don't know how far I can go, and how I'm supposed to be as an actor now. I still can't decide on that.

But one thing for sure, I'll continue to live my life on the stage. I'll break my butt to tell the life of the characters entrusted to me.

In order to do that, I'll move forward to polish my acting. It doesn't matter whether I'm clumsy or slow. I'm going to do it.

The video Omi-san took at the time has become my precious treasure. Thanks.

Omi: Glad the video was helpful.

Juza: I'll re-watch the video over and over again whenever I hit a wallーー.

Except Settsu's part.

Banri: You bastard!

Taichi: Ahaha!

Sakyo: God, don't be sloppy.

Azami: But that's just so like Juza-san.

Hisoka: Hisoka Mikage, playing Liam in Winter Troupe's sixth play "Risky Game".

...What should I say?

Izumi: Anything is fine, like how you felt when you got chosen as the lead role or any memorable moments.

Hisoka: Lead role, huh… I've got so many lines.

Tasuku: Hey. After all that, and that's what you've got to say?

Tsumugi: That's just like Hisoka-kun.

Hisoka: But I've got to remember something precious because of this play. Thanks to everyone… I was able to meet someone important to me once again.

Homare: Good for you, Hisoka-kun.

Hisoka: I'll continue to live as actor Hisoka Mikage, together with them…

Azuma: Yeap. Let's keep working together.

Guy: I look forward to seeing Hisoka Mikage's acting in the future.

Itaru: I'm Itaru Chigasaki. I played Lancelot in Spring Troupe's fifth play "Knight of Round IV THE STAGE".

I think it'll take around an hour for me to talk about Kniroun. Is that okay?

Izumi: Please make it short!

Itaru: Got it.

Back then, I have never ever imagined becoming Lancelot from my favorite Kniroun game.

Even though I had issues with the gap between my ideal Lancelot and the reality during our rehearsals, I had fun.

After all, I've got to play the game with everyone… I had so much fun I wanted to tell my younger self about it.

A new installment is gonna be released soon, so I'll continue to devote myself to conquering the games.

Tsuzuru: Please devote yourself to our plays!

Masumi: He doesn't grow at all.

Citron: Itaru is Itaru!

Sakuya: Let's play together again!

Itaru: Speaking of which, senpai, how many hours is your total playtime?

Chikage: ...It's a secret.

Itaru: Come on, isn't it fine to spill it now?

Chikage: I have too many save files to count.

Itaru: Seriously?

Citron: What an admirable addict!

Kazunari: Heya, Kazunari Miyoshi here! I played Kiichi in Summer Troupe's fifth play "SHI★NO★BI Misadventuring".

Leading a play was not an easy task, but I had a lot of fun~. All six of us drew togetherーwe made so many memories.

I had a blast doing action scenes with Sumi!

Misumi: Me too~!

Kazunari: I've gotta admit there was pressure in becoming the starring actor, so I'm glad I learned how hard it is to be one.

Because of that, I've come to understand further how everyone feels when they're chosen to be the starring actors!

I'll continue to be your perfect support!

By the way, I've come to cherish my passion for both acting and art even more through this play.

I don't wanna give up either. I don't wanna settle on one. I'll succeed in both. With that said, please continue to take care of me!

Muku: Likewise!

Kumon: I'll be in your care too!

Yuki: I won't lose to you.

Tenma: I'll be stricter during our rehearsals.

Kazunari: Go easy on me on that one!

Misumi: Let's do action scenes together again!

Taichi: I'm Taichi Nanao, playing Chan in Autumn Troupe's fifth play "Fire Up, Mantou Fist!"

I felt complicated back when I was chosen to be the lead actor for this play. It sure made me happy, but I wasn't sure whether I was good enoughーー.

No, this isn't good. Lemme do it one more time! Please cut this part out!

Taichi: They didn't cut this out…!

Banri: They keep this one, huh.

Taichi: Umm, I was so happy and pumped up to be the starring actor. I might make mistakes in certain parts, but I had fun!

I'm so lucky I could lead a play as Autumn Troupe's Taichi Nanao.

I'll keep working hard so that I won't embarrass everyone in Autumn Troupe. I'll be an actor that can make everyone proud!

I'm aiming to be the star performer of Autumn Troupe!

Sakyo: What a thing to say.

Banri: Bring it on.

Juza: I won't lose.

Taichi: Ugh… I should've just settled with the fourth best actor, after all.

Azami: It's too early to give up.

Omi: Haha, let's do our best together.

Tasuku: I'm Tasuku Takato, playing Musashi Miyamoto in Winter Troupe's fifth play "Die by the Sword".

This wasn't my first time leading a play, but I've got to admit it felt kind of different when I did it as a member of MANKAI Company's Winter Troupe.

Through this play, I've got the chance to think about the reason why I'm in this troupe, and what kind of an actor I'm supposed to be.

I'll keep going as an actor of Winter Troupe, Takato Tasuku.

After all, performing with my fellow Winter Troupe members has become an important thing to me.

I don't know what will happen in the future, but I'm going to carefully determine what kind of an actor I'll be.

Azuma: Fufu, you're so stiff.

Guy: It was a very Takato-like message.

Homare: I've got to hand it to Tasuku-kun. He's strict with himself when it comes to acting.

Hisoka: Totally different from Arisu.

Homare: I don't want to hear that from you.

Tsumugi: Guess I need to think about how I should be as an actor too.

Chikage: I'm Chikage Utsuki. I portrayed Oz in Spring Troupe's fourth play "The Wonderful Charlatan of Oz".

My recollection of the play, huh… the only thing I remember is that I've caused troubles.

I've also given you so much trouble that time, director-san.

Izumi: No, it's okay.

Chikage: But well, I'm going to make up for it.

Izumi: It's alright. You don't have to.

Citron: Let's go eat Yakiniku! Chikage will treat us.

Tsuzuru: Sounds great.

Masumi: Let’s invite all troupe members.

Chikage: I got attacked right away, huh.

Chikage: Back when I just entered the troupe, I’ve never thought I’d stay this long.

Nor have I thought I’d spend my days with these feelings…

Since this troupe has become a place where I’ve got a precious family, I need to treasure it. I’ll be in your care.

Sakuya: The same goes for me!

Itaru: I look forward to the yakiniku.

Izumi: I’m fine with curry too!

Chikage: Alright, alright.

Kumon: I’m Kumon Hyodo, playing Souta Akiyama in Summer Troupe’s fourth play “First Crush Baseball”!

First Crush Baseball is the first play I ever performed and the first play I ever led. I was so clueless at first.

But because everyone taught and supported me, I was able to go on until our final performance.

The fact that I could stand on the stage without collapsing until the end made me so happy…

Thanks to this play, I've gained confidence from the fact I could accomplish something.

This is all thanks to everyone in Summer Troupe who accepted me. I’m glad I joined Summer Troupe. I love you all!

Misumi: I love Kumon too!

Kazunari: Me too, me too!

Yuki: But well, your current acting is better than that time.

Tenma: That’s right. You’ve greatly improved.

Kumon: Seriously!? Yeeaaay! I’ll work harder!

Muku: Let’s do our best together!

Azami: I’m Azami Izumida, portraying Abel in Autumn Troupe’s fourth play “DEAD/UNDEAD”.

Back when I ran away from home, I never would have thought I’d perform onstage. But well, I had a blast beating up shitty Sakyo on the stage.

Sakyo: ...Hey.

Azami: I got to do makeup to my heart’s content, and now I feel like I really could go on living with makeup for the rest of my life.

I’m glad I joined this theater troupe. There’s a lot of interesting people here, and I never run out of people to use as guinea pigs when I want to test my new makeup.

I’ll study makeup more and improve my acting.

Banri: Yo, good luck with that.

Juza: I expect a lot from you.

Omi: Ever since this play, our stage photos look nicer than before. It’s all thanks to you, Azami.

Taichi: I’ve become cooler thanks to your makeup too, A-chan!

Sakyo: Putting makeup aside, you still have a lot to learn in acting.

Azami: Shaddup.

Guy: My name is Guy. I played Phantom in Winter Troupe’s fourth play “Le Fantôme de l' Opéra”.

Back when I stood on the stage, I thought I was just going with the flow. But now that I think about it again, everything went as Citronia intended.

Citron: Of course it did.

Guy: I’ve got to know the things Citronia deemed precious after coming to this country and joining this theater troupe.

I myself was able to regain my precious memories and take off the armor that has restrained me for so long.

And as I spend my days here, I continue to discover new sides of myself.

Strangely enough, I don’t hate this. Rather, I want to keep enjoying these changes.

Tsumugi: You were an android at first, right.

Guy: Yes. That was what I believed.

Tasuku: Those days felt like an eternity ago.

Hisoka: ...You’ve changed.

Homare: Yes, and in a good way.

Azuma: You’ve become more human now. That’s great.

Citron: He’s still as hopeless as ever, though.

Guy: I’ll do my best.

Tsuzuru: I’m Tsuzuru Minagi, playing Luke in Spring Troupe’s third play “A Clockwork Heart”.

This play, which I led, was the most unforgettable play for me. Everything is etched deep in my heart, including my self-reflection.

Itaru: Dude, you spoke freaking smoothly in this one.

Masumi: Unbelievable.

Chikage: Were you reading notes?

Tsuzuru: Ughーー.

Izumi: They got you.

Tsuzuru: At the time, I looked back at the reason why I wanted to write scripts and do theater in the first place.

I’d like to keep doing my best in both script writing and acting without throwing away my beginner’s spirit.

And even though I got swayed a lot by my co-lead Citron, he saved me in an unexpected time and place. I appreciate it.

I can’t thank you enough. I look forward to continuing working with you all.

Citron: Same here!

Sakuya: You two are the best pair from Spring Troupe!

Misumi: Hello, I’m Misumi Ikaruga. I played Sky in Summer Troupe’s third play “Captain Sky Pirates”.

You see~ I found 54 triangles during this play~!

Tenma: You sure remember that kind of thing well, huh!

Yuki: What a waste of memorizing skill.

Misumi: Among the triangles I found that time, the one I like the most was the big triangle we saw in the night sky.

Ever since I joined this theater troupe, I found lots of precious triangles. I want to let grandpa know about it one day.

Kazunari: You still have more and more triangles to add to your collection.

Muku: Let’s collect so many triangles you can’t even count them!

Kumon: I’ll help you find them!

Misumi: Yup~! Let’s go find lots of triangles~!

Sakyo: I’m Sakyo Furuichi, portraying Ginji Kazama in Autumn Troupe’s third play “Tales of Chivalry: Ginji the Wanderer”.

I couldn’t stop thinking it was too late for me to be the lead actor, but I’ve gotta admit, I learned a lot at the time. Furthermore, I once again realized I’m still lacking experience.

I’m gonna keep on learning very seriously, shamelessly and move forward.

Banri: Oh shit, so scary, what a scary man.

Azami: So childish.

Sakyo: Age and experience don’t matter on the stage. This is a serious fight. Prepare yourself.

Juza: Bring it on.

Taichi: Somehow, that part just now sounded like a criminal declaration!

Omi: His statement sure is powerful.

Azuma: I’m Azuma Yukishiro, playing Reo Kuto in Winter Troupe’s third play “Nocturnality”.

I can't say I got especially attached to the play just because I played the lead role, but I felt the bond between Winter Troupe members got stronger at that time.

I could take a step forward thanks to Tasuku. I'm glad we performed this play.

Tasuku: I didn't do anything special… I just thought it was necessary for the play.

Homare: So it has something to do with the play in the end.

Hisoka: What a theater fool.

Azuma: But that's just how Tasuku really is.

Tsumugi: Yes, even his dishonest side.

Azuma: Compared to that time, with Guy joining us, the Winter Troupe is changing little by little.

I think this is a nice change, though. I feel at ease with you guys. Look forward to continuing working with you.

Tsumugi: Same here.

Guy: I'll be in your care.

Masumi: I'm Masumi Usui, playing Alice in Spring Troupe's second play "Boy Alice in Wonderland".

….

Izumi: Masumi-kun, the camera is over here! Look here!

Masumi: But I want to look at you…

Izumi: ...I'll move, then.

Masumi: Can I express my feelings for you?

Izumi: I rather have you express your feelings towards the play!

Masumi: ...Itaru was annoying.

Itaru: Heeey.

Masumi: We took a long time to finish rehearsing.

Tsuzuru: That was because you kept trying to impress the director and criticized us too much!

Masumi: Itaru was annoying.

Chikage: You must have been really annoying at that time.

Itaru: …

Masumi: But I think the play turned out great.

Izumi: Yes, I feel the same.

Sakuya: I think so too!

Masumi: My acting has gotten better since that time. I'll continue to improve so much you can't even take your eyes off me. Keep looking at me and me only.

Citron: He kept staring at the director the whole time!

Tsuzuru: That's Masumi for ya.

Yuki: I'm Yuki Rurikawa, portraying Shiro in Summer Troupe's second play "The Adventure for Sardines".

The thing I remember the most during this play was that I caused everyone's troubles, since I struggled to juggle between my position as the lead actor and the costume designer.

Kazunari helped me a lot.

Kazunari: It's no biggie~!

Yuki: But compared to that time, I've grown now.

I mean, it's thanks to the events at the time that I'm now able to balance acting and costume making well.

I only started acting because I wanted to get feedback for the costumes I made, but now I genuinely find acting fun.

I find it fun to stand onstage and produce a play together with everyone. It's a different kind of fun from making costumes.

I've learned a lot of things by doing both, so I won't settle on just one and continue doing them all.

Kumon: Let's continue working together~!

Muku: Let's do our best together!

Misumi: I love Yuki's costumes!

Tenma: Well, your acting has certainly gotten better since that time.

Yuki: You're still as arrogant as ever though.

Tenma: What!?

Omi: I'm Omi Fushimi. I played Wolf in Autumn Troupe's second play "Stranger".

It feels rather embarrassing to have someone shoot me when I've always been the one filming.

For me, this play means much more than just being the play that I led.

It's hard to put it into words, but…

This play made me, who's always been looking at the past, face forward and walk towards the future.

Now, I plan to chase the dream that my friend gave me for my own sake.

Taichi: Good for you, Omi-kun!

Omi: Thanks for your help that time.

Taichi: Your welcome!

Sakyo: Fushimi broke out of his shell during this play.

Banri: His acting changed a lot. I still remember it.

Juza: It was stimulating.

Omi: Haha. I hope I can grow further than that time.

Homare: I'm Homare Arisugawa. I played Tooru Sagishima in Winter Troupe's second play "The Master Likes a Mystery".

For me, the most unforgettable thing during this play was definitely my grandmother's watch.

I feel like this watch gave me the opportunity to be able to touch everyone's hearts little by little.

Especially Hisoka-kun. I never thought he'd do something for the sake of other people, and not just marshmallows.

Hisoka: It's because Arisu was hopeless.

Homare: You're right, I won't deny it. You helped me out back then.

Homare: This play turned out great because of Hisoka-kun and everyone.

Unlike poems, a play is something that you create with other people. It's too difficult for me alone, but that's what makes it very interesting.

No matter how many times I experienced it, I've never gotten tired of it. I think it's a wonderful thing.

Oh! I've found some poem inspiration. Ahemーー.

(video shuts down abruptly)

Guy: Oh, the video got cut.

Homare: Why did you cut off that part!?

Izumi: Huh? That's weird. There must be some technical issues…

Tasuku: He was going off topic, anyway. Perfect timing.

Homare: But that was part of my video message!

Tsumugi: Please let me hear it after this.

Azuma: I’d like to hear it too.

Homare: All right! I shall organize a recitation later, then.

< ‘Stories of 24′ 1 | Masterlist | ‘Stories of 24′ 3 >

#a3! #a3! translation #summer troupe #spring troupe #autumn troupe #winte

[machin3gir1]

u void lyrics

the blood inside the fortress dancer still at home  living with the ashes spent her last paycheck getting  blasted stealing cigarettes and fake  lashes local singles looking for some action fragile hes an ex cop without a saddle always so polite and tactful true intentions hidden like a  phantom the beginning of the end of this cancer the blood inside the fortress vicous at her place getting down to business left hand rubbing on his pigskin everything goes black in an instant waking up in his own sweat and sickness morning got a scalpel underneath your foreskin goldilocks is making you some porridge summoning your insides to the surface lilith born in the blood inside the  fortress  the blood in the fortress having sex in  your dissected corpse the forces i do it for the children i do if for the thrill i do it cuz i like it cuz i was born to kill pigs

a ring of fire this must be hell a coiled scorpion stung by its tail fetal position poisoning myself my corpse is lying in a roach motel self destruction or self defense teach me the method perforate my head self destruction or self defense isolation the creature I’ve become centipede circling serpentine part of me forcibly surfacing part of me sobering sorcery artery murdering therapy blood let save me dried up fading away give me the womb give me the cure losing my vision mental cataracts almost feeling than my mind attacks psychic leeches tell me im a hack cut me open while im on my back self destruction or self defense teach me the method perforate my head self destruction or self defense isolation the creature ive become  blood let save me dried up fading away give me the womb give me the cure give me death

im a deer in the headlights im a deer  in the sheets im the deer and the headlights im the rotting corpse in the street smoking bed bugs then we fuck out of focus i can’t wake up i die in wet dreams i hate your love so i ate your soul like a succubus fight or flight sexlife do or be did we fuck like were being held hostage im fucking exhausted we fuck like were being held hostage im fucking exhausted we fuck like were being held hostage the neighbors are watching we fuck like were being held hostage the neighbors are  killing me im a thorn in your pocket i am dread summon my demons under your breath i see two paths and choose the left when im in love i break my neck fight or flight sexlife do or be did we fuck like were being held hostage im fucking exhausted we fuck like were being held hostage the neighbors are watching we fuck like were being held hostage im fucking exhausted we fuck like were being held  hostage the neighbors are  killing me touching me pleasing me heresy enemies feeding me secretly part of me never seen all i need fantasy killing me im a deer in the headlights im a deer  in the sheets im the deer and the headlights im the rotting corpse in the street im a deer

our tyrants suffocate what’s in your lungs nazi scum suffocate what’s in your lungs nazi scum ugly fucker karma  suffer reign is ending fortress destroyer get on your knees fortress destroyer i want to watch you bleed fortress destroyer kill pigs plant seeds suffocate what’s in your lungs nazi scum

my ugliness is not my  fault i know god just made me wrong bang my head against the wall i hate myself the more you talk wear me out  turn me on grab the knife grab the salt fuck my head until its raw youre taking over all my thoughts fake it online make It offline is it all just smoke and mirrors am i victim of your theater retribution for your bliss i consumed it all just like a tick youre me improved it makes me sick you turn my heart into a fist you need to know how i have felt ill drag you down with me to hell fake it online make it offline you thrive while i die ill thrive when you die  i can’t look away go ahead call the police i stayed within the policies study social alchemy manifest imposter dreams more of you is all I need a fix of your reality ill get mine you will see  and climax leaving you on seen  fake it online make it offline you thrive while i die ill thrive when you die  i can’t look away

i see your guts but see no passion your inside out viscera fashion shibuya meltdown tokyo plastered 7 am still huffing plasma system purge stop smoking dirt in the synapse the terror lurks juggle poison and fireworks dance with the devil and die with a smirk ill rot and fuck up my life but i thrive inside thie terror i am a wasted universe i am not a lost cause watch me splatter life is a dream i spit out teeth south of the border im at peace in the pit the fire breather solders the nexus of global freaks system purge stop smoking dirt in the synapse the terror lurks juggle poison and fireworks dance with the devil and die with a smirk

ill rot and fuck up my life but i thrive inside the terror i am a wasted universe i am not a lost cause watch me splatter cannon fodder going harder its my calling sorry father ill rot drunk broke and happily living like im cannon fodder

let them in kill all borders imperial demise 2020 worldwide fucker kill all borders all nations must die

i light my wick in bondage laying in the pit i stay haunted the perfect fix the essence feel wax drip momentary heaven im slipping through the cracks so far down the rabbit hole another lantern comes crashing crashing down strike a match cover me with kerosene playing with fire i become the effigy suspended animation secret acts of desecration recursive immolation autoerotic decapitation scratching my skin until i bleed a tormenting itch that never leaves burn the temple down and  I’ll be free strike a match cover me with kerosene playing with fire i become the effigy i can hear the devil the speak why dont you run away with me

cut out
my eyes bleed out offline i talk to the mirror i communicate with the dead grave digging my psyche plunging the depths of my head abysslicker im never finished licking deeper the well is leaking conscious-sickness the void is creeping growing deeper so i shit meaning im fully in it now im fully in it i reach down my throat and remove the world and the planet reveals itself in its dying breath says i am hell fortress fucker eldritch shit kill em all be the nemesis shapeshifter the lord flayer a new religion the astral killer im fully in it now im fully in it im feeding off it im leeching off it im reeling off it im living off it out of nothing i shit meaning im fully in it now im fully in it

crushing your skull underneath my foot im finally free i take back my time, my soul and everything you stole from me find salvation underneath my golden shower i hereby banish you to the nether regions of this realm my world will forget the age you made it a living hell find salvation underneath my golden shower keep my my name out of your mouth you fucking coward suck my shit i removed your head and spine with a psionic blade cut you to pieces and left you in an unmarked grave find salvation underneath my golden shower keep my my name out of your mouth you fucking coward i don’t want  you on my dick so suck my shit suck my shit

what lies beneath like shit and bile only comes out when im alone i disappear step out of time come back with a little less of my soul silent forces psychic warfare my skin is flush and feels so warm temptations such a fucking war i numb myself so ill ignore thoughts that cut through me like a sword silent forces psychic warfare cut throat exposed hidden voices speak your mind for the first tim there’s a panic in my bones the horrors coming back i feel it in the cold  hammered golem sober collar in the street face downwhile the mountains getting taller howling like a gibbon headshot through the brick fracture in the forehead i self destruct in bliss batsu punished ill pretend till I’m dead sell out cash checks get mine before it ends all jelly limbs and no benefits self control my mortal enemy its getting hyperreal and time is catching up my enemies are moving in and i don’t give a fuck batsu punished ill pretend till I’m dead burn out tailspin my dreams are full of shit murder natural patterns bad habits pass through my bladder i spilled your blood nothing happened where’s my ticket up the ladder murder natural patterns bad habits pass through my bladder i spilled your blood nothing happened where’s my ticket up the ladder batsu punished ill pretend till I’m dead sell out cash checks get mine before it endsm batsu punished ill pretend till I’m dead burn out tailspin my dreams are full of shit

[kiss-my-freckle]

8x7 Rewatch: Chemical Mary

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I— I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference.

A nice reference to Robert Frost. 

Red: The road not taken. Dembe: Beauty school? Red: Yes. That young woman's great passion that her single father just can't understand. It pushes them apart. But instead of insisting that she understand him, he enrolls in beauty school as well and learns to better understand her. Dembe: I think you understand Elizabeth. Probably more than you want to. Red: Well, I'm not her father. Maybe if I were, I'd want to understand her even better. Perhaps she wouldn't be so determined to kill me.

Dembe is right, Red understands Liz better than he wants, but they also have their differences. This conversation hits back to Red's conversation with Liz in S6.

Red: I was a difficult child. People saw me one way I saw myself another. I felt misunderstood - acted out. My father fancied himself a disciplinarian. Very moralistic. Instead of trying to understand me, he excommunicated me. Liz: And your mother? Red: My mother - My - My mother - My mother understood.  My mother understood the problems of the human heart in conflict with itself. So she understood everything. I've taught you to think like a criminal. I should've taught you to think like her. I - I should've learned to think like her.

Liz will learn to understand Red. She's halfway there, she simply isn't wearing Tom's face as Katarina is wearing Raymond's. Perhaps through Agnes, she will. 

Mary: Pig, hog, runt... sow... boar. My brother's mantra. When he was a boy, he collected glass pigs. He knew everything there was to know about them.

Hog futures and a pig-masked rapist in S7. Lipstick on a pig in S6.

Glass pigs. Reminds me of Josephine with her glass figurines. They include Rogelio, who was first introduced in Alistair Pitt's episode.

The Woman: "Once upon a time, there lived a little country girl, the prettiest creature who was ever seen.”

Red: You destroyed a creature more beautiful han you could ever comprehend.

Red: I fear she may do something that she can never recover from. And of all the tragedies that you and I have experienced together, that would be the most tragic. We have to do - do everything in our power to prevent that from happening.

But I also tthink Red and Alina’s storyline is just as much for the sake of Red understanding Liz, so I think we’ll be seeing Red and Alina sharing more scenes, which I’m very happy about. I love them. I think she’ll be recovering the thumb drive from Cooper for Red next week, but Rakitin will continue playing out as I believe they’ll identify him before she gets her hands on it. 

Cooper still refuses to believe Liz assisted The Freelancer's release from prison, so he finds it even harder to believe Liz is working with Chemical Mary. Ressler and Aram share in his disbelief while Alina believes it's possible because she has fresh eyes. She's not as close to Liz as they are. Cooper is then given proof that Liz assisted in The Freelancer's release. 

"The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers." Henry IV, Part 2 is a history play by William Shakespeare. Red and his Shakespeare references lately. Parisian references... the Temple of Love (Temple de l'Amour) and the Canal Saint-Martin.

Aram: She goes by the name of Rakitin. And when I say, uh - "she," I don't mean she's a woman. I mean, she could be. Or a man. I'm... I'm trying to alternative pronouns instead of defaulting to the generic "he" to represent a man or a woman. Rakitin could be a he or a she. Or a they. Cooper: This is good. We know who the hacker is, but we still need to find out what he... or she... hacked.

A Rederina conversation between Aram and Cooper. Nouns and pronouns, as I continue to point out because a “ripe apple” doesn’t speak to gender, and Red told Kirk Liz is his daughter. That’s why I’m glad he confirmed he’s not her father. Fans should definitely lay that theory to rest. 

Aram: Now, these photos were taken within a few days of the incident. But these... were taken a year later. Alina: No wonder we couldn't find her.

Liz: He'd need doctors, like Koehler - someone who could change his face. Dom: And not just once many visits over the course of a year.

They then parallel Chemical Mary with Rederina.  Take this shot of Red reading a womens magazine. 

Congressman: But I think he's been here a long time. Long enough, he's become one of us. And he's using us.

Connolly: What if the reason he chose her in the first place is because he wanted to get his hands on this thing? What if that's the real reason he turned himself in?

Congressman: Based on what I know of Rakitin, he and N-13 pose an imminent threat to national security.

Red: Within 12 hours, inmate Luther Todd Braxton will break out of his cell. When he does, he will steal a classified intelligence packet that contains secrets vital to your National Security.

Much like Tom Connolly, I believe the congressman is dirty, and he’ll be the one to push Cooper for Senator just as Connolly had plans to push him up the ladder in S2. He’s basically selling Cooper the idea that N-13 (Red) is using them just as Connolly tried selling the idea that Red was using Liz for the Fulcrum. I don’t think Cooper believes that, but I do think he should’ve quashed his curiousity with the thumb drive. I think this thumb drive will get shut down quickly because Alina will recover it. Her recovery will force Cooper to take Rakitin into custody to question him. Cooper’s decision to arrest Rakitin will then force Red to extract him. With the thumb drive in Red’s hands, and the need to extract Rakitin being their final loose end, Rakitin will either die before he talks or his extraction will be successful. That’s where I stand right now in how this plays out. 

Rakitin and Neville are running separate for a reason. Liz plans to out Red, and believes his thumb drive identifies N-13, so she handed it to Cooper. I do believe this to be the case because the congressman asked Cooper about it during their meeting. “Why do you say that? Did anything on the drive identify N-13?" Sikorsky told Red that Cooper isn't off limits like Liz is, and I think that has to do with Cooper himself identifying N-13 should he open it. Sikorsky doesn't want anyone identifying N-13. “A fact no one knows is true. We must do whatever we can to keep it that way." Again, this was something Dom mentioned in 5x13. No one is to know the truth of what happened to Katarina Rostova aka N-13. So Liz hands Cooper the thumb drive to get the proof she needs while she works her way through these blacklisters in order to get to Neville Townsend. I think that’s why they’re not showing Liz’s side of the story yet. I think the thumb drive will stop at Rakitin, but whatever Liz is doing... I believe her side will pick up with Neville when his men abduct her. I’m just not sure if they’ll actually abduct Liz or if they’ll abduct a double of Liz because I see they have another doppelganger blacklister coming, and I do believe Red could put one in place to protect her.

Chemical Mary's facial burns and Cooper running Red's fingerprint instead of his DNA... I'm leaving my Minister D playout on the table. I still think Ressler could be the one to figure out who Red is, and I think Red will end up threatening him with fire. They could even use this as a way to pull Liz back into the post office. EIther way, I think Ressler may get an inkling after seeing Mary’s facial burns.  

One Parisian woman for another. Maddie Tolliver. Madeline Toussaint. Ressler has enough in his storylines to hand it to him. Alongside Ressler, Aram has enough in his storylines to find Liz's second memory wipe. Throw Aram’s conversation with Cooper about pronouns into a conversation wtih Ressler, and Ressler will be looking at Red’s medical file. They basically have to stick Aram and Ressler together when the time is right. Enough time and reason to have a gender-jumping conversation. 

Mary: Open this door right now! I want to see her! Where is she?! The woman! I want to talk to her! Do you hear me?! Ugh! Open this door right now! I want to see her!

Again, nouns and pronouns. The woman from Paris is now the woman who abducted Mary. SHE and HER is not specific. That’s how they ran imposter Katarina in S7. 

They're pushing "miracle" dialogues like it's nobody's business. They tie in their Diviner soundtrack. Everything they’re doing now is fated. It goes back to Red’s “knock on wood” in Roy Cain’s episode. 

8x7 & 6x22

Sikorsky: I am told Rakitin is in play.

Dembe: The Townsend Directive. Our friend in Miami says it's in play.

I believe they’re pushing Red’s fingerprint back to Tom’s fingerprint - specifically on Diane Fowler’s record brush, running opposite the DNA CODIS search. By the time they’re done, I believe both sides will collide and head into Liz’s second memory wipe as they reveal two imposters - Tom and the woman from Paris. 

#Rederina

[dragonrajafanfiction]

Dragon Dancer IV: Christmas Eve

I rocked back and forth in a glider chair, eyes scanning the wall murals around me. Cute images of foxes, owls and deer peeked behind tree trunks and bushes. Little raccoons hung out in the branches. A bear reached for a hive of bees for the small bead of honey dripping out the bottom. Each image was painted in loving detail and in good humor.

I shifted my vision to the corner of the room where a small artificial tree twinkled with simple white lights. Gifts were piled under it, mostly for the baby. Each toy had marked on it a name and a brief description. 

“Ru’yi’s duckling.” 

“Ru’yi’s bear” 

“Ru’yi’s Hello Kitty”

On the door hung a simple plaque. 

“Ru’yi’s room.”

I checked my phone. It was getting close to midnight Oslo time. My eyes shifted to the table next to the rocking chair. A white unopened envelope from Comemnus Corp lay waiting. I turned it over face down, next to a box of tissues.

 I didn’t want to open that envelope alone. 

My phone buzzed. I exclaimed with delighted surprise. It was Johann and he wanted to video chat!

I immediately accepted and his face filled my phone screen. I grinned. “Heeeey!” My smile faded when I noticed the dark rings around his golden eyes and his pale complexion. “Wow you look sleepy...”

“Jet lag..." He shook his head. “The mission itself was simple. No problems.”

His expression softened, looking into my eyes. “How are you feeling?”

“Oh, it’s definitely getting harder.” I rested my hand on my round, distended belly. “She’s sitting really low on me right now so I waddle like a fat penguin...” I rolled my eyes. “...and yeah going to the bathroom every half hour is no fun at all.”

“That’s disturbing your sleep.” He observed.

“Yes, but I sleep a lot during the day. I’m trying to get as much as I can, while I can get it. At least, I can breathe now that her head isn’t under my chest.”

“Any contractions?” 

I shook my head.

“Bleeding? Pain?”

“I’m fine. I promise.” I raised my arms, flexing the muscles I’d managed to cultivate over a year of training. “We made sure I’d be strong for this. Remember?”

He nodded. “I remember.”

“So... I have a bit of a surprise.” I reached over to the envelope. “I got this last week but... I haven’t opened it yet.” I held it to the phone camera.

“Is that the prenatal dragon blood purity assessment?”

“Yep. It’s either good news or bad news...” I turned it over in my hands. “I didn’t want to open it without you here... just in case... you know.” My eyes shifted downward, voice trailing off.

“No matter what the news, I know we’ll be able to handle it. Go ahead and open it.”

“Okay... drumroll please?”

Johann obliged, lightly drumming his fingers on the desk. My words were light hearted, but I bit my lip as I tore open the envelope.

I unfolded the letter. “Thank you for choosing Comemnus for your genetic testing needs... we take pride in the accuracy of the results...blah blah...” My eyes scanned down the page. “...keep in mind that prenatal checks are just a marker to establish a history and not entirely predictive of the future...” I took a breath. “It’s recommended to do continual testing to monitor fluctuations.”

“We regret to inform you that Ru’yi’s dragon blood purity is 48.5%... putting her at... high risk...”

I set the letter in my lap. Disappointment welled up in my eyes. Warm tears slipped down my face. “I knew it... I knew it... I knew this was going to happen...”

“Meixiu.” Johann’s voice was gentle.  “You know you have a stabilizing effect...”

“Yes but after she’s born? When she’s separate from my blood?” I reached over to the tissues and wiped my face. “If she tests over 50 percent they’re going to take her.”

“No one’s going to take her. At most they’ll have to monitor her for a while.” He reached out to his screen. “No one’s going to take her. I won’t let them.”

I wished he could reach through the screen. I rested against the back of the rocking chair, willing the tears to stop.

He brought the camera a bit closer. “She’ll be fine. Your Soul Skill can help her. She’s not going to end up constantly dying like Erii. And even if that were the case, you’re in a unique position to help her live out a long healthy life. But I don’t think she’ll be like Erii.”

I put the letter back on the night stand. “What do you think is going to happen?”

A small smile played on his lips. “I think she’ll be born beautiful... and very strong. We’ll have to train her early and often. We’ll have to protect her and watch her very closely. Our lives won’t be our own for quite some time. But... that’s alright.”

“Will we be shipped to the quarantine island...?” I asked him.

“She’s a baby, she’s not that dangerous. Meixiu, relax. Take a deep breath. Please.”

I took a deep breath, held it, and let it out. 

Johann’s eyes didn’t shift away from me.  He breathed with me, helping me calm down. He stared, intent and serious, holding my gaze like an anchor. “Don’t let this stress you out, not in these final days. Make sure you’re getting enough rest. If you feel your mind racing, just remember it’s going to be fine. Alright?”

“Okay...” Relief flooded me. 

“Everything else is okay with her, right?” He asked, his soft voice guiding me through my panic.

“Yeah. She’s otherwise normal.”

“Good. Meixiu... Now... there’s something else.” He hesitated.

I detected a shift in mood from the way his brow creased when he glanced away. “I finished the mission a bit early. I should have called you earlier, but I was thinking about a lot of things... and I couldn’t sleep.” 

He ran his hand along the back of his neck. “I met someone who... was doing all this work for a woman who was stuck in a coma in a hospital. And I thought... he should be by her side. And it hit me... that I was not at your side.”

I hurried to reassure him. “I said it was alright...”

He held up a hand. “Please... hear me out.”

I bit my lip. “Okay.”

He sat for a bit, eyes distant. “To be honest... I forgot it was Christmas until I saw the decorations here. I’ve been that busy. Right now in Norway the sun doesn’t come up. It just flashes below the horizon. People have to work for their bodies to function normally. They spend a lot of time together to pass the time. I... I was alone.”

“A year ago. I would have been fine with nothing but my sword and a suitcase. But now... I’m not so sure.”

“The whole reason I joined Cassell was out of my own desire for revenge over something that happened to me when I was younger. I obsessed about it every day. I didn’t care what I did, so long as it kept me getting closer to my ultimate goal.”

“But I have gotten no closer.” He rested his forehead against his hand. “And I’ve left you alone. I’m sorry, Meixiu.”

He looked at me again. “I’ve been getting offers for where I will be stationed as official commissioner with the Executive Department. I haven’t answered any of them.”

“I’d just keep doing what I’m doing now, rising through the ranks of commissioner, to special commissioner, to senior... until I’m given a desk job when I’m too old or injured to take on missions any more.”

“I might never find what I’m looking for. And what’s more... I... I’m not sure if I want it as bad as I used to. When I fall asleep all I do is miss you.” He looked away suddenly.

Did he not mean to say that? I wondered. Was he ashamed?  I tilted my head in confusion. This way of thinking was nothing like the man I knew.    I held my breath, following his line of reasoning. I had kept my silence before such an unusually long speech, stunned at what I was hearing. Was he thinking of ending his dragonslaying career? 

“You want to quit?” I asked quietly, gently.

“I’m not sure... this is the first time I’ve felt like this. I don’t know how to tell Schneider.”

“You’re tired...”

“Yes...”

“Come home... get some sleep. Give it some time.”

He looked at me through the camera. The desperate, frustrated look to his eyes began to fade. “I just know that so long as that...” His jaw clenched. “... thing is out there, there’s a risk it might come after you.”

We sat silently a few seconds. “I’m strong, Johann.”

He shook his head.

“Then why don’t you tell me what we’re dealing with?” I asked. “You’ve been hiding this from me for years!”

I watched as the thoughts ran across his expression, his eyes shifting, weighing the pros and cons. His breath became shallower, his lips pressed together. Was what happened to his father really that hard for him to talk about?

“Please...” I said.

His voice was halting and soft. “I was... in the car with my father. It was raining so hard, we could hardly see the road...” He suddenly stopped.

I leaned forward. “Yes... and?”

He didn’t move or speak. A notification popped up. “Connection Lost.”

I sighed. “Are you kidding me!” I checked my wireless signal. “Johann? Are you there? Can you hear me?”

The screen went black. I clucked my tongue. I sat waiting and waiting for the connection to re-establish, trying again and again to call him.

“Unable to Connect with Chu Zihang.”

I sighed loudly and growled to myself. It was so rare for him to open up like this. Maybe he’ll get back online. I propped the phone up on the table and watched for his call, rocking back and forth. In an attempt to keep myself awake, I  sang to myself. Johann’s song, a very familiar tune.

The trees, they grow high, and the leaves, they do grow green Many is the time my true love I've seen Many an hour I watched him all alone He's young but he's daily growing...

I patted my stomach as I sang. I got to the end of the song, but there was no sign of him.

I got up to go to the bathroom. I turned out the lights to the rest of the house, showered and changed into my night robe, checking back after each activity for a return call. Thirty more minutes had passed but there was none. The connection was truly out.

“Come on... Johann...” I whispered, sitting back down in the rocking chair.

I picked up the phone to dial again.

“Relax Meixiu... what time is it?” I checked phone time. I hadn’t heard back for nearly an hour. I continued to rock myself and wait. I told myself to give him a few more minutes. He was clever. He was working on it.

 My eyes suddenly grew heavy but I forced them open. I had to stay awake in case he called.

The lights in the apartment flickered. My vision blurred and my eyes shut. I tried to force myself to open them. Twisted images swirled behind my eyelids for a moment before they opened again. 

I hadn’t moved from the room, but it wasn’t the room I’d just been in. The walls were different. They were just plain pink. The paintings were gone. The toys were different toys. The tree lights were multicolored!

Confused and frightened, I reached for my phone. I looked at it but it wasn’t the same color or the same model as I’d just been using! I dropped it.

“Johann!” 

A cold chill ran through me from top to bottom, followed by a profound numbness. There was no response from Johann through my soulbond any more. His presence in my mind and heart had been as large as a mountain. Now it as snatched away, leaving an agonizing vacuum. In desperation, I reached out to him again and again. “Johann! Johann!”

I grabbed the unfamiliar phone and flipped through my recent contacts. I couldn’t find his name. I threw it across the room.

“Where is my phone?! Where’s my phone?!” My words blended together until I was just screaming, crawling on the floor, knocking things over trying to find it.

My howling was like a wounded beast and a crying baby blended together. The unearthly wailing and crashing furniture carried through the walls, the ceiling, the floor and window. 

I lay my back against the wall, one arm over my eyes. My sorrowful pleas squeezed my lungs until my voice thinned to silence. Only for them to billow open again for me to cry out. “My love! Oh, my love! My love! My love!”

My love was gone. 

Johann, my beautiful Johann, was gone.

#Dragon Raja #Fanfiction #Writing #Johann Chu

[blackgirlblues]

Being A Black Girl: And Chasing Your Dreams.. Yikes.

Hi, 

It’s me, your resident black girl back with some new shit to rant about. I’ve been posting a few screenshots of short poems and paragraphs I’ve been writing on my phone as a way to heal and get over Capricorn boy from my last post on here and I see you guys like and reblog. Thank you for showing love, although it makes me sad that so many of you seem to be going through the same range of emotions I am. I’m sorry. 

I know it’s a lonely place to be in. 

But, on the bright side, I’ve got a lot of new followers joining the diary/manual/rant page that is blackgirlology and it’s nice cause I think it’s becoming a little bit of a community. So, in a way, were never really going through any of these emotions alone. If you’ve found this page-you’re part of a community. Bask in it. 

Anyways, that aside, a lot has happened since I last spoke to you. I don’t know if any of you may remember, and for some new people this will be a surprise. But I’m actually a singer songwriter from Ireland. Moved to London a year and a half ago to pursue my music dream and that’s how I met Capricorn boy whos been the source of all my poems. 

Throughout this time in between, I’ve been trying to chase my dreams, and chase them relentlessly. and this summer i did just that, let me tell you, what im about to tell you guys, is to put it simply, wild. I’ll just cut to the chase. 

It all started in July. I’d been in London for quite a long time now, over a year and now have a manager who’s my best friend first and foremost. We’ll call her Maya. I met her in my first week of moving to London in the student halls I was staying at and we became best friends pretty quick. She studies music business, so it made sense and she just naturally ended up taking up the role as my music manager. Shes seen everything. The songs I wrote about Capricorn boy, the tears, everything. And she saw everything this summer. 

I saw an ad for a record label opportunity in London. It was advertised on my university facebook page; a new indie label, looking for demo submissions for a competition they were setting up to find their new signee. I sent a screenshot to Maya who agreed I should send my stuff in. I did, they liked it, I got a meeting, we were sent terms and conditions for the competition. We signed it, the rest was supposed to be history. 

Big yikes. 

There’s so many layers to this story that I will be shortening it, just because it can get very draining for me to talk about or even write about. I’ve healed from it i think, but I still want to put it here and write it about to finally close that chapter and be done with my feelings about what happened to me and my music. 

Basically, the whole competition, the record label, the dickhead CEO, it was all a scam. I had accidentally signed away the master rights to my new song to a record label started by a fake CEO who was committing fraud and known for tricking young artists into handing over their master rights so he could profit off of them, for power. 

It was a mess. Another contestant told me and Maya when we were outside of their office. Just minutes before we were under the impression that I was doing an interview for Billboard Magazine. Honestly, I never truly believed it. Shit was too good to be true. 

But she told us everything. How he was actually a run away from Spain, where he was caught and exposed for doing the exact same thing to artists there, how he didn’t have any money to fund the competition he had somehow roped all of us into, how he was illegally avoiding paying his team, how none of the creatives we had collaborated with for photoshoots etc were paid, how everything was a lie, how he didnt have any connections, and how he was trying to convince me specifically to sign a 360 deal with his label. 

Which, guys, I’m not stupid. After the first week of being with the label for the competition and letting my song live through their disastrous marketing campaign, Maya and I long decided that regardless of what they said, I would not under any circumstances be signing anything with any entity of their company. 

After being told the truth, I had to sit down. You see, when I came across this opportunity, I thought this was finally the life I’d been manifesting coming true. I had begun to grow in my spirituality and start journaling, writing down my manifestations, and getting to work with a record label who would later offer me a fair contract before I turn 20 was one of the manifestations I had written down every night before I went to bed. However, what I’d gotten was the exact opposite. 

I remember, me, Maya, and 2 of the girls from the competition all stood around in a circle outside of their new office that the CEO also hadnt paid for wondering what our next move would be with this new information. There was still 2 other contestants inside who had no idea what was really going on was an elaborate scam. One of them wanted to go in and expose them on the spot. I said no, we had to go in and pretend like everything was normal until we figured out what to do afterwards. 

So in I went, plastering the fakest smile on my face and pretended like I still thought I was about to be speaking with Billboard Magazine. Once I got out, I broke down in Maya’s arms. 

I went home to my flatmates, Ellie and Bea and cried for hours before I had to go work a 7 hour shift at a pizza place. 

I stayed in bed, and cried, and cried. and cried again. I didn’t get out of bed unless I needed too. The only people I talked too were my flatmates E and B and Maya. 

Everything was sorted out eventually, a lot more happened, but as I’ve been writing this article for you guys, I realised that all of that stuff is no longer relevant to my journey and isnt something I want to bring back into my energetic circle because I’ve made peace with the fact that a lot of people who betrayed me when I was at my lowest, peace with the fact that these contestants who wanted to “work together” to get out of this mess, actually wanted to save their own asses and leave me in the cold. 

But I still got out of it and I’m still here. 

I nearly got sued by a man with less than 20 pound to his company account online, but hey, I’m here.

I guess why I’m telling you guys this really short account of my summer is to both record it for myself but also to say its okay to flop, its okay to fail. I did both this summer. and thank god i did. it was the best thing that ever happened to me. 

following your dreams is scary, doing it as a black girl is terrifying because society has already kind of set you up to fail. there’s already misconceptions about what you do, who you are, where you come from and how good you’re going to be at what you do. its almost like we cant fail and we need to work 10 times harder to obtain half of what the average white person will get. and sometimes it can feel like we dont have any space to fail or make mistakes because of this but let me tell you thats not true. 

if anything, the universe will put you in places that will force you to grow through the mistakes you make. and thats exactly what happened to me this summer. 

i chased my dream so relentlessly i ended up in an environment i thought i manifested, i thought was good for me, only for the universe to show me that that specific environment i’d been wishing to be in is the furthest from what i need right now in my life. 

this so called failure showed me that not everybody who smiles can be trusted, and that people can be way more deceiving than i ever thought, especially when push comes to shove and they need to save themselves. you start to see the real them when it starts to get tense. the people who seem to be around you when you’re doing good will most likely dissapear when things start to go south, including some of your oldest friends. you will get radio silence on their end. be upset. cry. but after that be glad that this situation revealed their true colours. 

and then never put any more energy into them again. 

this failure showed me how fucking strong i am. how resilient and kind i am even in the face of disrespect and actual evil. it showed me how much i can care for someone who i believe is at a risk of losing it all, and showed me that this will not always be reciprocated. and for a while i thought that meant that i had to harden myself up and grow a shell. but i dont think so. i will not allow the things ive been through to make me into a hard person when i was born soft. i mean now, im a little rough around the edges, jagged enough to cut anyone who comes too close with some of that bad energy, but soft enough to hold myself tight and glue myself back together when i need to. soft enough to hold the people who held me this summer. soft enough to help people who i know deserve it. 

im a good person in a shitty world, i don’t need to match the world and become a shitty person to survive. 

after all of this happened, i stopped writing music. 

i haven’t written anything properly or produced anything in months and sometimes i get worried that ive completely lost my talent. but thats another thing that this failure taught me, i can never truly lose whats meant to be mine. i know that i was put on this earth to create change, to inspire, to be an activist and a voice for people who dont have one. i know i was put here to do it through a creative medium and right now i still think that is music. 

i think i just need to stop being so scared to start again, to learn my craft again.

i used to be so scared of failure but now i am so thankful for it and the lessons its taught me. i had so much hurt and pain and hatred in my heart for the universe for, in my head, doing this to me. but then i realised that the universe never does anything to you, it does it for you. all of this happened in my best interest and while i definitely didnt understand at the time, i get it now.

thank you universe for the worst summer of my life. 

and my black ass will be continuing to chase my dreams relentlessly, failing, tripping and falling on my ass until i get to the very top. 

besides, if everything had just gone right, that wouldnt have been very interesting, would it?

#blackgirlology #black girl #black power #black love #black blogger #Black Blogs #music #blog #blogger #journal #journaling #diary entry #diary of a black girl #diary #dear diary #tumblr diary #dreams

[tisthenightofthewitch]

GHOST'S TOBIAS FORGE ON FILM PLANS, COPIA'S FUTURE, "DARKER, HEAVIER" NEXT ALBUM

Bandleader also talks Metallica, Mercyful Fate, why a Ghost biopic would be "like premature ejaculation"

The Gospel of Cardinal Copia began barely a year ago, his birth as the new frontman of Ghost neither virginal nor particularly miraculous. But there he stands, a religious man of style and mystery: left eye icy blue and blazing, dressed in fine liturgical threads, leading a band of Nameless Ghouls in silver masks through songs of plague and vermin, love and death.

In the eleven months since the beatific release of Ghost's epic fourth album, Prequelle, much has happened in the world of this wildly theatrical metal act from Sweden. The first of these events was the reveal of Tobias Forge as the living, breathing mastermind behind the masks and papal vestments. Though he's never explicitly stated as such, it's widely understood that it's been Forge all along behind the mic, disguised in corpse paint and/or latex masks, first as a series of consecutive demonic popes called Papa Emeritus (Nos. I-III), before reemerging in 2018 as the grimly debonair Cardi Copia.

Prequelle was a medieval concept album that became a hit, spreading the word of Ghost to a growing congregation, in the U.S. reaching No. 3 on the Billboard album chart, and the Top 10 across most of Europe. An American tour filled theaters and last year delivered Ghost to select arenas in Los Angeles, New York and Montreal. It was all a preamble to Ghost's upcoming Ultimate Tour Named Death, a true arena tour of North America, where the band will deliver a fully realized, theatrical rock show of stained glass and fireballs this fall, beginning Sept. 13th in Bakersfield. (Ghost is also openingfor Metallica this summer on a "WorldWired" European stadium tour.)

"For some reason and luckily for me, I have never really crumbled in front of challenges — maybe going to the dentist," Forge tells Revolver. "I've always got a kick out of doing challenging things. More than anything, it just forces me to go further."

As a lifelong devotee of Queen and Kiss, Forge is a true believer in the power of rock's epic sweep. Taking Ghost to its fullest potential as operatic spectacle is the ultimate fantasy-come-true for Forge, who birthed the band with few expectations a decade ago with a trio of satanic metal tracks.

"There were definitely moments where I had to walk into the arena in the morning and pinch myself a little bit: All these trucks are ours? All this is just for us?" Forge says of his experiences at the handful of headline arena shows Ghost performed last year in America. "I've always wanted to do this since I was a child. I've envisioned it so many times that I don't know really where the dream ended and it sort of went into reality."

Out of costume and out of character, Forge is a friendly and contemplative figure, a seemingly humble rocker and family man behind Ghost's larger than life image. And there is much still to be done as he heads into this final leg of Ghost's Prequelle cycle. To accompany the tour, he's just completed a new series of online video "webisodes" that dive deeper into the mystery of Copia through Gothic intrigue and comedy.

"There are a few episodes coming in the future that might bring some clarity as to who this fucker is," Forge says of Copia, without offering details. "My hope is that he gets to become Papa Emeritus IV. That is the goal. It just takes time and it takes effort. And that is what he's proving now."

The videos are an essential part of the band's mythology, and now Forge is close to realizing his ambition to create the first feature-length Ghost movie. If all goes well, the film will be shot before the end of the year.

"If it wasn't for the fact that I ended up finally being a musician, the one thing I really, really want to do in my life is cinema," Forge says. "Any chance I can have to do that, I'm definitely grabbing it."

There had been discussions about this over the years. As an especially visual band, with its own cavalcade of insane characters, the potential was obvious, but things often got stuck on the form a movie might take. "Most films about bands are biographical, and I see no reason to tell our story yet," says Forge, who still considers Ghost to be in its early years. "It's a little bit like premature ejaculation. You have to have a career first and then you can tell the real story, so that was never an option. And when you yank away that, what do you have? Well, that would be a fictional story."

He's confident that the story of the film has now been figured out, and would partly take place around a live concert. Figuring out the location, budget, etc. will make all the difference.

"The cog wheels are turning on that one," he says. "We're just trying to figure out a lot of the practicalities. Making a film is a big endeavor. Another problem that I have had over the course of my career is that I don't have a shit-ton of time. I am also a father of two kids and I'm married. I try to not to break my back. I've been so close so many times to overworking and I said yes to everything just because I was so keen on not losing momentum. I've learned over the years that it's really important not to do everything at once."

Beyond the film and the final leg of this tour, Forge is contemplating what comes next when he returns to the studio in 2020 to begin work on a new Ghost album. He's leaning toward a harder, riffier sound this time. He'll start in January and finish that summer.

"I want to make a different record from Prequelle. I want it to feel different," says Forge, being careful with his words to avoid misleading fans. "If I dare to say heavier, people think that it's going to be Mercyful Fate all the way ... but I definitely have a darker, heavier record in mind."

Prequelle, he says now, was "a little ballad heavy." The next one will lean more in the imposing direction of 2015's Meliora without repeating the same ideas. He's worked to make each album different, starting with 2010's gloomy, metallic debut, Opus Eponymous.

While the sound and message of Ghost remains rooted in the initial ideas he first had when he wrote the riff to "Stand by Him" as a mostly unknown metal player in Sweden, years before first trying on the pope attire. He's also made a point of evolving as a lyricist.

"I have always pushed myself to write the songs that we don't have instead of going back — it maybe would've been a smart move to just try to replicate Opus," he explains. "I can regurgitate. I grew up with metal. It's in my DNA, so I can formulate death-metal lyrics easily. But I try not to repeat myself on that.

"I like to make the Metallica comparison — where Kill 'Em All is a little bit more crude, on Ride the Lightning they started writing about more real things. It had more depth," he adds. "I'm not going change everything and just talk about politics, but I believe that if you have people's attention, you have responsibility to weigh with your words a little. Sometimes that is hard. I find that harder than the musical challenges."

Even so, the unexpected opportunity to take his vision of Ghost to ever larger scope across multiple albums and now onstage at arena-scale is a challenge he welcomes.

"I try to remind myself every day that it's pretty mind-blowing that we got to this spot. You need to try to appreciate 100 percent and do the best every day and nurture," Forge says, then adds with a laugh, "At the risk of sounding a little religious, this is a gift that you've been given."

All rights owned by Revolver Magazine

#The Band Ghost #Ghost Band #Cardinal Copia #Tobias Forge

[myintention-s]

Today I turn 25. And it’s a weird day. I feel it’s a birthday of mostly mental and emotional growth and here’s just a few of the things I’ve learned since hiting my 20’s. To help me reflect on things I haven’t gotten the chance to yet.

It’s okay to look weak if it means your sorry. It’s okay to not participate in an altercation or even just an argument. It’s okay to allow someone else to win. Having the last word doesn’t mean as much as it may in the moment. If you’re wrong about something, just admit it.. people may not like it but they’ll respect you for it.

Relationships have also been something I’ve been learning much of as well. As i’ve entered a relationship this past year that I pray life will allow us to keep for the rest of our days. I’ve learned that there can always be an argument found if you’re constantly looking. So stop looking. Ive come to realize that after losing so much, you’ll start appreciating more. So appreciate it now. Ive learned that love is never just one thing you can point out, I believe it’s made up of multiple events that really can only be felt between the two. I’ve learned that love grows larger but can also be harder with age. It’s a book that really never ends, that we must continue to learn if we want it to last. I’ve learned that with busy schedules, work and finances, it’s not always so sweet. Like the fairytales may say. We miss each other a lot, even at night when we’re side by side in bed. So it’s so important to invest your love in someone who invests so much in it right back. I’ve learned that no one is perfect, and you cannot force someone to change. Embrace the imperfections, and just be your true self. You’ll find the “true” love you’ve been waiting for.

I’ve learned that family time isn’t so frequent as everyone becomes older. So make sure you make time for your loved ones. Any of them could be gone in just a split second. Tell them you love them as many times as you can when you’re face to face. Eat all your moms food she used to make you as a kid, you’ll appreciate it so much more now knowing how much of a pain in the ass it is to cook after a long hard day. Hug your parents, and just hold them for a few moments. One day you won’t be able to.

I would be lying if I said my 20’s weren’t a constant financial struggle. My mom asked me yesterday if I’m excited turning 25. I told her no, I told her that I feel at this age I should have my own house, a nice car, with maybe even a baby on the way. She quickly reminded me how untrue that is, how everyone’s life is set in different order, how everyone’s life works at a different pace. She told me that living in an apartment verses living in a home is not something to compare one to with the coming of age. It’s not the material things.. she asked me to look deeper into my soul. She said to me if I weren’t to grow older, then my only other option would to be dead.

And the irony in that screamed at me. Embrace the coming of age, because that means you’re living. And with that alone has me asking myself.. am I living? What’s a life of constant comparison, a life of self doubt, a life of fear, a life of lying and cheating, a life of insecurity, a life of anxiety that my nailbeds can feel. That’s not living. If I’m able to grasp that concept and turn it around while I’m living rather than not, I think that will be the most beautiful life to have lived.

These past 5 years have flown by, since turning 20. And I know since turning 25, the next 5 years will fly by even more quickly. What I will achieve and experience in the next 5 years of my life is something I’m excited for, but also just as nervous. I’ve felt much pain in my twenty’s. A lot of the pain I’ve brought on myself. But with pain comes growth. And if I could take back the pain I’ve also put onto others, I would in a heartbeat. But I can only hope now at this point that that pain has taught them and helped them grow as well.

Here’s to 25 🎊. I’ve been finding myself along with losing some of myself during this journey of life. But nothing I’ve lost I have missed. And I’m sitting here now, with a cup of coffee before heading into work, soaking in the day - THANKFUL to see another. And to grow another year older.

#audrina #me #mine #michigan #girls who like girls #gay #girls who kiss girls #lgbtq #metro detroit #personal #birthday #25 #virgo #virgo season #wisdom #growth

[gg-astrology]

🌊

Hello!❤️💙🖤 Dropping in a little bit today bc I had? some stray thoughts about scorpios ;; ❤️💙🖤 

Scorpios and the idea of ‘black and white’ ⬇️

- adapting, personal identity and 'open-mindedness’ 

Alternatively NOT for scorpios, but for anyone who struggles to be ‘open-minded’ enough.

Or struggle with ‘accepting’ things right now ( ‘want to be better’ )  

🚫long post 🚫

y know.. ive just been thinking about -- well, myself. And how i AM a black and white kind of person. As most people are? 

Most of us tend to think of ‘black and white’ as connotation for being bad nowadays, we don’t usually like to admit it. Rather, we usually go ‘no no im not -- im not like that im open-minded and trying to be understanding’ - which isn’t exactly what black and white might be like to the person? 

I’m black and white in a way that I know who I am, and I know what I’m comfortable with. My space is big and small at the same time -- it’s not just me, but others as well. The people and the circumstances, the environment around me in my space and what i consider to be spaces i’m into. 

I think that within this space - I’m comfortable with getting to know new things, of accepting it, or being good and nice and comforting around it. Anything that pops into my stream of comfortability - of course I’d be wary of it at first -because this is a safe space. But it can integrate, assimilate into my space. It can be loved and it can be accepted. It doesn’t mean that you stay stuck in your own head - to me - black and white just means I have a flow for myself and I have to integrate it into me before I push it out into the stream.

It’s kind of like a stream with a flow of it’s own - water rushing, one direction, sometimes it gets big or small. It’s just the general idea of being comfortable in the different spaces of that stream because it’s your stream. 

I get uncomfortable if this space co-joins with another stream - another group of consciousness or people. It’s the different water temperature that gets me - sometimes maybe this new stream is cold - so cold that when it meets my stream (the one I’m familiar with) - I need to adjust to the new temperatures. It rucks up my sedimentary banks as well, things beneath the grounds, it ruffles the little organisms, treasures, things and brings it up. Evaluate it, turn it into a new leaf that I’m not prepared for/don’t know what they’re going to do with it. 

It’s very human to need time to adjust. Since your body doesn’t do well if you’re suddenly pulled into freezing cold temperature and a flow of water is moving in a different direction. Gut-reactions, impulses. These things (knowing you’re not prepared/used to it) keeps you safe and on your feet (as well as being pretty Scorpio and Martian as well). 

Motion exists - this new stream might be pulling in a different direction, you can’t stop your body from being pulled to a different rotation. You get dizzy if you’re the flow of the water. That’s just - how we can’t control certain things and how we have to adapt to it. How our biological body adapts but it needs time to do so (cool down/warm up). 

Sometimes it’s the expectations that we have to accept something immediately, when we don’t understand the meaningfulness of the purpose, of the concept to the other person. 

Most of the time, we have some pre-conceived ideas and concepts, we’ve assimilated we have to break down in order to get through to accept new ones. 

I don’t think having it is not not being open-minded? I think it’s very? what? consumerism? fast-consumerism? to expect things to happen just like that. 

Like oh just accept it (which can be good! and what is needed !) - but sometimes, the meaning behind it gets lost. Those who does this can still act out of ignorance because they don’t understand the true significance behind it. And they end up hurting the person after they accepted it, because they don’t actually understand it or stand by it- hesitance and not knowing yourself, sometimes kinda sucks to feel about your own person.

Adapting to things always takes time. Maybe this stream is slower than our stream - things that we aren’t used to or isn’t a part of us yet.  

Imagine a different case/scenario. If we didn’t have this - like, if we just expect people to adapt to different streams intersection into our lives all the time. We’d be totally dizzy and ill-prepared, we’d be off our footing all the time. 

With no idea of who we are, our own sense of identity and assimilation of the goal behind it into our core-values. How are we supposed to integrate into being a better person, if we never actually commit to understanding the concept + adding it into what we value/sense of identity? 

Sometimes it’s harder to not know our own identity, because we’re swayed by so many motions. Than it is to just think about swimming in different pulls of streams all the time.

Some people do well when they ARE prepared to jump into different streams, different intersectionality. But thats because 1) they’re prepared and 2) that’s inherently a part of who they are and learning about things, gathering stuff. More yang-signature than yin of nature to me.  

If I were to say who I am - I’m more prepared to go ‘ok, i’m dizzy.’ and set my foot down. To open up and make the stream settle into one, cohesive lake. Where there is a pull and language, understanding for it all (for the different intersectionality) and mediate from there instead.

Everybody wants to love, and to comfort and accept. I hope nobody actually wants to keep good things out of their lives if they can’t help it (well, healthily anyways). 

But rather than just gobbling up and saying ‘i accept’ over and over, in order to be ‘open-minded’ without truly understanding the significance behind it (the whole story) - sometimes we need time to understand something, to adjust, to look out and tread cautiously so we don’t get hypothermia or burnt. And that’s sometimes a part of self-preservation and/or attack or defenses.  

Does this make sense? Next time you think about Scorpios - try thinking about water flowing in a direction. Streams can help, whether some part of it is big or small. Things live in streams, micro-organism, fishes, etc. It curves and it follows, it’s a strong current that has it’s own path. 

Bending that path by man-made effort, requires understanding and respect - mostly of its original stream. The significance of the stream’s original responsibility - to other organism, to things it dutifully carries over its waters towards, nourishing trees and it’s resources, animals that are too nervous to be around humans. There’s more to it than what we see - or what we want it for our immediate benefit personally. Rather than jumping into the fray and seeing it from our own perspective/wants/needs only, some sights and consideration for what it does might help to aggravate them a little less. 

Black and white doesn’t mean it’s automatically unaccepting. Black and white can also mean there needs to be some understanding in-between, takes time to adapt, to seek out/find resources, some clearing of space, to make room for the new things to come in. Things when they are secured (like a lake/pond - Scorpio fixed sign) are cohesive and uniformed. Sometimes it requires pausing in order to be accepted, to settle and to see where things land. 

Adapting sometimes doesn’t happen like a snap of your fingers for everyone, and we probably shouldn’t expect it cold water to clash with hot water and there not to be steam coming off from it. But that doesn’t ultimately mean that there won’t be changes - whether its done by the person or those who evoke those changes themselves. 

Sometimes it’s saying one thing - but then going through to evaluate the thought, the turmoil inside - and then coming out the other end accepting it. I think that’s what it’s like for me - I’m not an all-accepting, open-minded person either - but that’s because I’m human and I need to adapt. 

I need time, and to make space inside myself, to evaluate things inside of me in order to do so. And I think that’s something most people can do. Or should do? in their life maybe.

The archetype of Scorpios.. I’ve been thinking alot about as well. How Scorpio’s greatest attack is their defenses, the resilience that makes them seem almost impossible to stop. 

In their gift of realizing deception, rejecting hollowness and seeing through shallow facades, Scorpios are not afraid to expose realty for what it is; they are the emissaries of a more complete sense of truth than many of us are prepared to contemplate, the penetrating aspects of it often being too painfully sharp for comfort. 

There’s a part where Scorpio and Virgos are very similar. And I think I’m mostly gathering my understanding about this from a very Virgo Mars perspective. 

I do think the idea of Scorpios being black and white + sediments being rucked up when soil underwater is disturbed, can talk a lot about being protective of things that shouldn’t be quickly consumed. We can sometimes be too impatient, so quick to want others to explain things or be/communicate or understand things just like us. But people aren’t always - not all are the same. 

Some people needs time, hot meeting cold water, water flowing in different directions. These things takes time, especially if you think about the body of water actually housing banks of organism underneath it’s watery body. If you walk in - even if it’s well-intended- trying to pull the stream towards yourself, sometimes you don’t know what significance it has, this is just asking for everyone involved, to put in the consideration and thoughtfulness for the nature (of others) around them as well.

Anyways! Yeah, this is some thoughts. ;; I tried to go over it a couple of times. Here’s more about Scorpio and it’s qualities, archetype if you’re interested. It’s where the above excerpt came from as well. I hope this comes across well, and give you some kind of hope, peace or calmness if that’s what it comes down to. 

In conclusion for those who feels like they are struggling: know yourself first, before you learn to know/accept/learn about others. Sometimes the struggle is just us being pulled taunt in different streams, different temperature and we’re reacting to it. Let our bodies adapt and let our mind (gut or feelings) assimilate the idea on our own terms. 

Sometimes we’re putting up a struggle because we’re trying to 1) assimilate the idea in and 2) know ourselves as well. Those two things can be at odds, and cause up a reaction (just like steam when temperatures met). 

If there’s things we need more time on, or things we don’t brush off, we struggle to work through. There’s more chances of coming out of this much more self-loving, accepting and understanding the significance much better processed. It takes time, but know yourself. Whether you’re stuck in a rut and you’re more of a jumping stream person, or whether you’re a calm-water person and is stuck in between water flow that’s different. Let’s learn to know ourselves a little better and adapt as we’re prepared for it.  

#personal #psa #update #scorpio #scorpios #virgos #honestly can u tell im a capricorn #makes me think that the easier assimilated #like pisces and cancer #or capricorn and virgo #are like #things that comes into the stream of Scorpio #they'll have favourites and those they enjoy in their waters #as well as those theyre like damn can i kick this b out #but thats #like #pretty neat isnt it #to think about it this way sometimes #anyways