#just. a lot of self hatred and internalized homophobia

[benveydraws]

i can't love you in this skin

#twittering birds never fly #saezuru tori wa habatakanai #suggestive #<- jic #interpret this as you will #there's A Lot about gender and yashiro's relationship with gender and heteronormativity especially in relation to doumeki #he asks him what type of Women he likes. they only watch m/f stuff together. “i wonder if he's gentle with women”. #the anger and disappointment when he realizes that doumeki is actually attracted to him #unless he's remembering something that happened he only fantasises about doumeki with a woman and not with himself #(same was with kageyama iirc) #except for that kiss in the elevator but that's a whole other conversation. and even then there was a woman present #he even tells kamiya that doumeki is basically straight and he's just a rare exception #yashiro's is so so desperate to push doumeki towards a “normal” life #aka not in yakuza. not with him. in a normal (straight) relationship #just. a lot of self hatred and internalized homophobia #all that being said. i think regardless of the author's intent reading yashiro as a closeted trans person is also valid #the “i could never afford myself to reflect on this and i also don't care enough about living to even bother atp” type of closet #would it contradict some of the things yashiro says? sure. but he contradicts himself all the time #am i projecting as someone who will live and die in the closet? sure #i think it's interesting that the only person who genuinely asks him about gender is ryuzaki #in the same conversation where he asks him about falling in love #and yashiro's response is basically “it wouldn't change much” and “i'm fine with what i have”. are you tho #there's a lot i can say about yashiro and aoi and yashiro and ryuzaki's girlfriend but i can't articulate it well rn so whatever #the way dumeki's lie about dating a woman affects yashiro is also interesting regardless of which interpretation you go with #which is also why i'm using post time-skip for the art. the topic keeps popping up #but yeah uh. take it as you will i just have a lot of feelings about. This #art tag

[thateclecticbitch]

"Its bury your gays because a character struggling with internalized homophobia/repression comes out and is happy and then dies at a later time" first of all, thats whats not bury your gays or internalized homophobia is. Second of all, Stede Bonnnet is right there and also still alive and happy. You know. The main character you are supposed to care about and be invested in?

#Its not like Im not sad or that the guy hasnt grown on me #Its that I just care a lot about words and terms being used correctly #Bury your gays is like #The first person to die is gay #only gay people die #HIV/AIDs as a punishment for being gay #not “guy who happens to be gay among an all gay cast dies” #Also this was the man who called edward a “namby pamby in a silk gown pining for his boyfriend.” #did we just like... forget how fucking homophobic that was? #Using other queer people as a receptical for your own self hatred isn't internalized homophobia #It's just homophobia. #And there's a section of the fandom who /relate/ to this guy? #I mean. I get it. Character growth. Improvement. Sopping wet meowmeow. #But #I was severely bullied for basically all of school for being queer and gender expansive #If I found one the people who called me a faggot in highschool had come out #I would be fucking PISSED #like. Good for him that he discovered stuff and improved. I feel bad for what he went through #is the fact that he was in a shitty situationship supposed to be an apology for all the shitty stuff he said and did? #Certain parts of the fandom sure treated it like it was and you know what #It kinda sucked seeing fans say that the show doesn't have homophobia when it very much does #It's just that the homophobia isn't the focus. So it doesn't feel like trauma porn. #Anyway I'm glad Izzy finally apologized to Ed. That's the bare minimum. I wish Ed could have apologized to Izzy more but like #how do you even properly apologize for taking a man's leg? “sorry. That was wrong of me (obviously). won't happen again (I sure hope not) #ofmd spoilers #ofmd season 2 #ofmd #ofmd s2 #ofmd 2 #our flag means death spoilers

[discofama]

I love how comfortable Adam and Lute are around each other.

I mean, look at this

So they're casually together during the extermination, much like how friends gravitate towards each other when in an event even if they're not talking or doing anything, just because it feels easier than being alone. Or perhaps Lute flew closer because she saw the huge war machine approaching Adam and got a little worried.

Charlie and Vaggie are going to attack them, and look at what they do:

Despite being Adam the one closer to Vaggie, he doesn't move an inch. They don't say anything (besides the shit talk) and Adam doesn't even look at her, he expects Lute will take care of Vaggie with no order from him, even if he's closer.

Obviously Adam is confident and doesn't think Vaggie can hurt him at all, but he clearly trusts Lute to get her out of the way. He probably knows how bloodthirsty Lute is for Vaggie and lets her have her without a word, and Lute complies, again, without a word, leaving him to handle the strongest of the enemies at that moment (Charlie).

So in this second, Adam and Lute communicated in silence. Adam didn't move and trusted her to cut in even if it was him the one under attack, and finally Lute trusted him to handle Charlie so she could fight Vaggie, as she didn't seem worried at all of the possibility of Charlie coming to protect her girlfriend.

They're in harmony. They're just natural together.

He lets her grab him like this and is willing to listen to her. It's clear he respects her and deep down appreciates that she'll keep him from doing something stupid, even if he whines.

She also climbs him? Lol. (Look at how she holds onto his arm 🥹 she's super comfortable with touching him!)

They're always hyping each other up, like in their songs:

(Look at Lute's smug face here 👇, she's sooo satisfied with what Adam's saying)

I honestly believe that they kinda make each other worse, that neither of them would be SO mean all the time if they didn't have the other: a companion who is always backing them up, who agrees on any crap that comes out of their mouth (Lute lets him talk shit about random women and nods, Adam goes along with Lute's homophobia despite seeming to not care that much about homosexuals).

Many portray Lute being a lot smarter than Adam, but I think they're both dumbasses. I mean, we laugh at Adam for saying he never made a mistake in his fucking life, but it was Lute who first stated angels don't make mistakes, somehow keeping a serious face. I think Lute seems smart because she's more quiet and cares about the rules, but she doesn't do logic very well either and can be impulsive too, as shown in the end of ep. 1.

They're probably each other's best/only friend, because they're just so unlikeable. And it makes sense they'd deeply care for one another. They care about that person that stands them and agrees with them and actually enjoys being with them. They're always seen together, hanging out even off duty. They clearly have a lot of fun.

I'll be honest. I ship GuitarSpear, I love it, but I don't know if I want it to be canon for 2 reasons:

1. Lute might be a lesbian.

She is so repulsed by homosexuals that it feels personal. Talking about how disgusting and blasphemous Charlie and Vaggie's love is, or how many cocks were in Angel's mouth and calling him a whore. She cares too much about it for it to not be personal, and I think it makes sense that she'd be a closet lesbian with a shit ton of internalized homophobia. She probably knew about Vaggie's sexuality and held a lot of resentment towards her before tearing off her wings. Maybe she was even attracted to her and was so repulsed about it that she redirected her self-hatred to Vaggie.

2. I think it could be better for Adam's character.

Let's just think about it. This character has a very distorted view of women, he has a fixation on them and hypersexualizes them. So the idea of this horny man, who always sees women with sex colored glasses, being good friends with a hot female below him in the hierarchy with no sexual or romantic interest whatsoever is nice to me. It'd work as sort of a redeeming quality in regards of his relationship with women, and I personally think this man is very redeemable. Let's hope he gets a second chance!

Still! All of this trust and comfort and team feelings can be read as romantic and I certainly wouldn't mind if it becomes canon! They could be the best villain couple!

Summarizing, these two are soulmates, end of the story. They're worse together, but also probably provide the other of a very needed company.

I have no clue if Adam will actually come back, but if he doesn't, I'll feel very bad for Lute. Yeah, yeah, she's an evil bitch, I don't care.

#sorry if the way i write isn't very sophisticated #english is my second language 👉👈 #hazbin hotel #hazbin hotel lute #hazbin hotel adam #analysis #guitarspear

[comfortablynumb]

I see a lot of people saying that Old Man Daniel is repressing his sexuality/is in the closet/has a lot of internalized homophobia and I just don’t see it? Like, yes he’s married multiple women and had children with them but he’s bisexual. A man can marry a woman and still be bisexual. And every time he talks about his past marriages, he describes his ex wives with such adoration and fondness. It’s only when describing himself/the way he acted in these marriages that he starts to get bitter and angry and hateful. Like he really did love these women (or at the very least, Alice) but he knew he didn’t treat them the way they deserved. Because of his addiction, his mental health, and his fear of dying, he wasn’t as good of a husband or father as he should’ve been. And I think he hates himself because of that, not because he was secretly gay or because he didn’t love them.

And, when Daniel tells Louis he only went to that gay bar in San Francisco to score drugs, I don’t think that was him trying to claim he was straight or denying his sexuality. If anything, to me it felt like he was trying to deny the fact that he’d been attracted to Louis. Trying to hide the fact that Daniel followed Louis home, not because he wanted an interview or to buy drugs, but because he wanted to be with him. (And like, if you watch the flashback, it’s very clear Daniel was attracted to both Louis and Armand, and was hoping something would happen back at Louis’ apartment.)

Like, idk, let me know if I’m missing something? I think Daniel has a lot of self-hatred and shame, but I never got the vibe it was because he’s queer. I think he just has a lot of regrets in his life, and he hates the way he acted around people.

#interview with the vampire #iwtv #daniel molloy #amc iwtv #armand #eric bogosian #louis de pointe du lac #louisdaniel #devils minion #the dubai trio #old maniel #old man daniel #the vampire chronicles #bisexual

[tommykinard6]

I love your headcanons!

Why do you think Tommy has a difficult relationship with sex and how does that show?

Also do you have any more ideas about the emergency contact one? Like the first time they get a call from the hospital...

Yessss thank you so much for asking about those headcanons! I’ve been wanting to talk about these.

I actually just got another ask about the emergency contact and I’m going to go super in depth for that, so stay tuned!

But why do I think Tommy has a difficult relationship with sex? I’m so, so glad you asked. This is one of my biggest headcanons.

However! Please read with caution. TW: for a form of self h*rm involving sex, self hatred, and internalized homophobia.

Tommy was extremely closeted for most of his life. When he was at the 118, he couldn’t even accept himself. But at some point, he stopped being able to ignore it. For me, this might be when he realized he liked Sal (see my other post).

Now for some people, exploring your sexuality includes a *ahem* wild phase. To me, Tommy had two parts of this phase. The first one was…not great.

Tommy was a self loathing closeted man. He hated himself for being gay. He wanted to be “normal”. So when he stopped being able to ignore it, he thought he could “get it out of his system”. So he went to bars outside of LA (he wasn’t risking bumping into anyone he knew) and hooked up with any man who showed interest. He wasn’t picky. He was just more focused on getting out of this “phase”.

So he hooked up with a lot of men. And he didn’t care about himself at all. In fact, he out right hated himself every time. So it devolved. If something didn’t feel good, Tommy leaned into it because he saw it as punishment. He used sex to punish himself and to hurt himself.

I’m not quite sure about how he pulled himself out of it, but we’ll go with this. My idea is that he had a sexual partner who caught onto what was going on, that Tommy secretly hated something happening but refused to stop on his own. The partner shut down the event and when he called out, gently, Tommy on what was happening, Tommy broke down. The partner held him and listened to his garbled story and talked him through it. Instead of the hookup, they spent that night just talking, with the partner trying to get Tommy to see what was happening and get him out of the slump.

And it didn’t fix it. Tommy continued this pattern for a couple more hookups, but he started to get discontented and uncomfortable. Around this time maybe, the 118 got Bobby Nash and the dynamic started changing. Sal was gone and working with Hen, an openly queer firefighter, started to shift how he looked at himself.

So Tommy stopped the hookups and started working on himself. He couldn’t quite face himself still, but he worked on liking himself outside of his sexuality. He started laying down boundaries when he hooked up. And then he left the 118 and started therapy. He was ready to start over. He was tired of the pain and the self hate and the cycle he’d been stuck in for so long. He wanted what he’d seen others have. He saw Hen with her wife and he wanted a bond like that and he knew it could never be with a woman.

Skip forward all this time and he’s learned to be gentle with himself. He finally loves himself. He has embraced his sexuality. Maybe he’s still friendly with that past partner or maybe they never spoke again, idk. He’s had some relationships but nothing’s really stuck. Then he meets Evan Buckley.

He meets Evan Buckley and he feels the sun for the first time. And Evan is still figuring himself out and Tommy not only really likes him, but also wants to make sure Evan doesn’t make the same mistakes he did.

Does that answer the question? Let me sum it up.

Tommy used sex to punish himself and those were his first real experiences with guys. So even now, in healthier relationships and with better mindsets, he doesn’t do the hookup game anymore and is very shy of having sex too soon. He doesn’t have sex without knowing and trusting the person.

Y’all I have no idea if this made sense, but this is literally the premise of a story in my brain.

#911 abc #9-1-1 #911 show #tommy kinard #911 season 7 #lou ferrigno jr #bucktommy #evan buckley #911 spoilers #tk6 answers #tk6 muses #911 meta #tw: mental health #tw: self loathing #tw: self destruction #read the tws

[skepsiss]

Tooth and Nail pt2

Part 2 of this mini-series. I guess I'm writing like 4 mini-series right now. This story is about Eddie being the one to question his sexuality after Steve comes out first. Read the first part to get the full details.

This part is pretty darn sad with a lot of introspection. I put up a mini-poll asking people what they wanted to read the most and Eddie being introspective was winning when I started writing this. I'm likely to write all the options on that poll still, so don't fret. I want to say clearly too that I do not agree with Eddie's thoughts. Sharing your emotions is never selfish and I think the fact that he feels like a burden is something he needs to work through. He is unwell. I'll admit I made myself cry writing this so if you're emotionally fragile like I am (lol) read at your own risk.

TW: Internalized homophobia (he's working through it), self-hatred, brief thoughts on death, mention of war (Vietnam and Korea).

PT1 PT2 PT3

---

"I kissed Steve."

"What?" Gareth said, startled as he stared at Eddie. 

Eddie was sitting on a beaten-up old armchair in Jeff’s garage; it was night and they’d opened the garage door to let in the summer air. The whole block was having a party and despite the time of night, the street was still alight with lamps and Christmas lights as people mingled in the street. Eddie had taken refuge in the garage (slightly paranoid that someone was going to touch the band equipment) after the first hour of forcing himself to be social. He had a beer in hand, even though he was underage, but it didn’t seem like any of the adults cared as long as they behaved. Hell, Eddie didn’t even live on this block but he was here enough that the neighbours didn’t seem to mind.

“A week and a half ago,” Eddie answered. He was slouching badly with one leg up on the seat, looking as if he was trying to lounge on a satee instead of a corduroy, La-Z-Boy from the 60s.

“Wait–sorry, what?” Gareth asked again, holding his own beer between his knees as he stared at Eddie. He had come to join him a few moments ago since Eddie had been moping by himself, and then they had proceeded to sit in silence until now.

Eddie flicked his gaze over to the younger boy before taking a long sip of his beer as if to say, yeah, you heard right without the willingness to repeat himself. He was quietly pissed, actually, but was chomping at the bit to talk to someone about it.

“So, are you like…” Gareth started, waving one of his hands as if that would fill in the blank.

“I’m fucking straight,” Eddie muttered, looking away and taking another long drink from his beer.

“Then why–” Gareth wasn’t going to get a word in edgewise and anyone who came to talk to Eddie when he was in a mood like this knew that coming in.

“I don’t fucking know!” Eddie grumbled, crossing his other arm over his chest and slouching all the way down in his seat so only his neck was being supported by the back of the chair.

Gareth frowned at him and looked away, no doubt wondering what he should say to all of that. It gave Eddie a moment to calm down and he eventually sat back up.

“I just…” he muttered, speaking into his drink, “I don’t know; it’d be easy if he was a girl. I just wish he was a girl.”

“Eddie…” Gareth mumbled a bit incredulously as he pinched his brows in. His expression was pitying and Eddie hated that it looked like he felt sorry for him. That was annoying and he scowled before looking away. 

Eddie’s logic was sound, it didn’t make sense why Gareth would be questioning it. Things would be easier if Steve was just a girl, that way if he had kissed him it wouldn’t be a big deal. Just an oops, sorry, that was uncool, well, anyways, and then they’d move on. He wouldn’t have to be dealing with this crisis of conscience and saying that he was just joking around wouldn’t have blown up in his face–maybe, he wasn’t sure. If Steve was a girl saying that he was joking actually might have blown up in his face more now that he was thinking about it… probably wasn’t cool to yank a girl’s chain like that.

“We were high and I don’t know, I wanted to talk to him about it being fine that he’s gay or whatever and I wasn’t thinking at all and I just…” Eddie sighed heavily and chugged the remainder of his beer. He twisted the pull-tab off and flicked it across the room, aiming for the bin and missing.

“You always want to kiss people when you’re high?” Gareth asked an edge of humour to his voice. He was teasing lightly, but Eddie didn’t have the patience for that kind of crap right now. 

“Fuck no,” Eddie grouched, crossing his arms and resuming his earlier position where one of his legs was up and he was slouched into the corner of the seat. “I wouldn’t kiss your ugly mug for money.”

Gareth snorted lightly and took a swig of his beer, letting the moment simmer.

“So…” he continued, glancing at Eddie before looking away sharply, “he get mad or something?”

Eddie groaned as he covered his eyes with the side of his hand, cupping his forehead as he tipped his head back. Why had he brought this up? He didn’t want to talk about this. It had been eating his insides alive, but he didn’t actually want to talk about it. What was Gareth going to do? Tell him the magic words to make Steve like him again?

“I told him I was joking,” Eddie mumbled, “and that I didn’t mean it–I even apologized, and I don’t fucking apologize to anyone.”

“Tell me about it,” Gareth muttered under his breath and Eddie hucked his empty beer can at his head, forcing Gareth to duck.

“Jesus–” he half laughed, the can knocking against him harmlessly and clattering to the ground, “just saying.”

Eddie flicked him off and motioned to get up. He didn’t need to be here for this, he didn’t want to be around people. This sucked. He could tell that Gareth was trying to be helpful–trying to be a friend–but he didn’t have the patience for it and he didn’t want to have another fight with another friend over something stupid.

Eddie stuck his hands in his pockets and shuffled over to Gareth before picking up the empty can and chucking it into the garbage. He wasn’t about to leave trash in Jeff’s garage, his parents let them practice there and store their gear most of the time and Eddie wasn’t going to burn this location. 

“Say bye to Jeff for me,” Eddie muttered, grouching out of the garage, “and thanks for the food.”

“You going home?” Gareth asked, leaning over the side of his chair to watch Eddie.

“No, this is an illusion,” Eddie mocked, turning and waving his hand in front of his face and giving a manic smile, “the Eddie you know died a long time ago.”

Gareth half laughed, but his brows pinched in at the same time. Eddie didn’t stick around to see if that meant he wanted to say something. He just continued to walk away, turning and hunching his shoulders as he walked past energetic little kids chasing one another and people starting to pack up their dishware. He didn’t feel like unpacking what he had told Gareth or why stating that he had died twisted his guts up into knots. He also didn’t like that he could tell that his upset wasn’t due to the fact that he was lying, but rather that it felt too close to the truth. 

Eddie lit a cigarette and started the long walk home. He lost the last of the dusk light halfway through his walk, already two cigarettes down as he got closer to Cherry Street. He wanted to say he ended up there by accident, but that would have been a lie. He walked this way often, actually, and it had been convenient once upon a time. Steve lived on Cherry Street… and Cherry Street backed up onto the forest that connected to the trailer park. A funny coincidence, he had said once to Steve, makes it easier to bother you. That was all too true now though. He was more than a bother.

Eddie stood looming at the end of the street as he stared off towards Steve’s house, the large, stark white structure easy to spot even in the dark. The lawn was lit up by small pot lights and the street lamp across the road shone brightly down onto the sidewalk. Eddie was out of view of any of the windows from his vantage, but he could see the side of the garage and the front of Steve’s house still.

He grumbled miserably and flicked the butt of his cigarette, not bothering to stamp it out before rerouting and taking the long way home. He didn’t want to walk past Steve’s place and risk seeing him, he didn’t know what he’d say if he saw him… he still didn’t really know what had happened. The whole thing felt jumbled in his mind and then crystal clear all at once. He could remember everything so vividly, but it was as if they had been speaking a foreign language to each other: none of it made sense.

Why did he kiss Steve?

Why had that led to Steve getting so angry he nearly got hit?

Why was he such a jackass that seemed to ruin any good thing that happened to him?

It was pitch black by the time Eddie made it home, but he knew the route well enough. The trailer park didn’t have any lights other than the rinky-dink porch lights that some of the homesteads had. It wasn’t that late, but things got dark this far away from town. He came home late like this all the time though, so it wasn’t a surprise when the flyscreen slapped open and Wayne was lounging on the couch. Wayne wasn’t working right now, which was a problem, but they had a small nest egg from the government to live off of for at least a few more weeks. It was amazing how far you could stretch a dollar when you’d been doing it for 20 years. 

“That you, Eddie?” Wayne asked, sparing a glance towards the door as a commercial popped onto the screen.

“Yeah…” Eddie mumbled, standing by the front door with his hands in his pockets still. He was looking at the ground, and Eddie wasn’t sure why he felt paralyzed. He didn’t want to move, but he didn’t want to be standing there either… stuck in some kind of limbo.

“You’re home early,” Wayne commented, his tone sounding cautious as if he wasn’t sure if a conversation was going to come out of this, “everything alright?”

“Yeah,” Eddie answered, again, not really sure what he was expecting.

Silence drew out between them as Eddie shifted from foot to foot, just wanting to… be around someone. He wasn’t sure if that was right, but he wanted to be invited in or something. He selfishly wanted to be comforted even though he was the problem.

“What’re you watching?” He mumbled, still not looking at Wayne.

“Mash,” Wayne answered easily, “reruns.”

Eddie nodded and sniffed, feeling like a stranger in his own home. Though he supposed that wasn’t right, this was Wayne’s home, he was a guest. He was a guest that had worn out his invitation by years and years. The deal had been until he graduated, but he still hadn’t done that and it was starting to feel like an impossibility. He didn’t want to be a burden though and he knew that getting a job was the next best thing… but he hadn’t been able to force himself to do that yet either.

Slowly, Eddie shuffled over to the couch and sat down a cushion width away from his uncle, looking up at the TV. The commercials were ending and Eddie felt his throat tighten as he tried to push himself into small talk.

“Is it a good episode?” He asked, having seen most of MASH living here with Wayne. He liked the show, and Eddie could understand why. All the characters questioned why they were at war and the ethics of it all. Made sense for someone like Wayne to get some kind of catharsis from the show after coming home from ‘Nam all those years ago.

“It’s the one where Hawkeye tries to get ribs sent from Chicago to Korea,” Wayne explained, sipping the drink he had in his hand and looking back at the TV.

Eddie snorted slightly, remembering the episode. He toed his shoes off and tucked up onto the couch so he could rest his chin on his knees, the room falling into silence except for the murmur of the TV and the tell-tale M*A*S*H song in the background. It was easy to watch and Eddie stared at the grainy images on the screen as Wayne and him shared the living room. He always liked that he could be quiet with Wayne, but it felt a bit forced on his part tonight.

A commercial broke up the episode and Eddie sighed, not looking at Wayne as he tipped his head to the side before chewing his lip and finally speaking.

“You ever… had a fight with a friend?” Eddie asked quietly, not liking the sound of his own voice right now. It was quiet for a beat before Wayne responded, his tone calm.

“Sure,” he said easily, obviously waiting for Eddie to continue, “you… have a fight with the band?”

“Steve,” Eddie mumbled, shaking his head no to Wayne’s assumption as he picked off the black polish on his nails.

“What did you do… to fix it?” Eddie asked, still not looking up.

“Apologized… talked, bought them a beer,” Wayne offered loosely, “depends on what the fight was about.”

Eddie nodded solemnly, not liking that there wasn’t some magic answer to his query. He wasn’t sure what he was expecting, but he didn’t feel like elaborating his problem either. So he just nodded and picked at his nails, waffling for a long time before more words tumbled out of him.

“Do you think… people just… dislike me?” Eddie asked, his lip quivering a bit before he got control of it, swallowing hard to hide his emotions. Wayne didn’t say anything right away which forced a bitter laugh from Eddie’s lungs.

“Like, I’m difficult, I know it, people don’t like difficult but sometimes…” Eddie smiled sadly as he held back his emotions, hiding his face between his knees again, “something even when I’m around people that are… like me, I’m just… different.”

Eddie didn’t like the words that were slipping out of him, why he felt like this was related to what had happened with Steve, or why he was saying it to begin with. He didn’t want to talk about this and he didn’t want to put this on Wayne to think about, that wasn’t fair. Wayne dealt with enough of his bullshit, more than any Uncle should have to, but sometimes Eddie couldn’t help that his uncle felt like the only safe person to talk to.

“It feels like it’s just so easy for me to–” he laughed quietly again, having a harder time holding back the wavering tone of his voice, “--to just–fuck things up with people.”

His body betrayed him and Eddie felt tears slipping down his face and he rushed to push them away so they wouldn’t be seen, still shielded by his knees as he hunched like a gargoyle.

“Eddie–” Wayne started, too much sympathy in his voice.

“Sorry,” Eddie muttered, trying to put levity into his tone, “I know you don’t like it when I drop the f-bomb.”

That was partly true, but Eddie also knew that Wayne didn’t care that much. They swore all the time, he just didn’t like being sworn at.

Wayne went quiet for a moment and Eddie squeezed his eyes shut, trying to get rid of any lingering tears that might be holed up in there.

“What’s going on, boy?” Wayne asked, his voice incredibly gentle.

Eddie felt his bottom lip bunch up, hating that any time Wayne sounded like that Eddie was doomed to start breaking down. It was like a superpower or something–he didn’t know, but Wayne had made him cry dozens of times when he felt on the verge of tears. He always felt selfish seeking out comfort from his uncle when he had already saddled him with so many problems.

“I hate people–” Eddie blubbered, not sure if that was what he really wanted to say but that felt like the strongest phrasing he could find to describe how he felt. He felt so small and so selfish, reverting back to some kind of scared kid who didn’t know how to deal with his own emotions. 

Eddie finally looked up, his face wet and his chest tight, and he crawled across the seat cushioned and collapsed onto his side, pressing his face into Wayne’s thigh. He was so pathetic… he was twenty years old and he was crying into his uncle's lap? Eddie the demon, the freak, the devil, metal head, satanic worshipper – yeah right.

“Sometimes it feels like–people just–I’m just–-I’m made to be hated,” he blubbered, hiding his face and gasping through his words. He felt miserable and like he wasn’t really saying what he meant, but he didn’t know what he wanted to say or even why he was doing this right now. It was like hundreds of emotions were trying to fight their way out of his chest and he couldn’t do anything about it. He hated it.

Wayne touched the top of his head and Eddie felt himself choke.

Wayne’s touch was gentle and Eddie couldn’t help but sob as he started to stroke the back of his head. It was a subdued affection, but one that Eddie knew was genuine. Wayne wasn’t a man of many words, so sometimes a touch was the best he was going to get. There was a reason why Wayne sometimes felt like the only safe person–even if Eddie still felt like he was a burden to his uncle.

“Everything about me just—” Eddie sobbed, gritting his teeth as he just let his thoughts and feelings freefall from him. “Why am–I—I–why do I like everything people can–can just hate–about me? I don’t like anything normal—I’m just–nothing about me is normal.”

Usually, Eddie was the first one to proclaim that he was different and scream it loudly for people to hear. He’d shout and point and own it and draw all the other weirdos towards him. He was the king of all the freaks, but it felt like he was still an island amongst them. He was always somehow different. Like there was this wall he bumped up against far too easily that would crop up out of nowhere. How he’d say or do something and just fuck everything up in one fell swoop. 

Why did he keep giving people new reasons to call him a freak?

“I hate being like this–I hate–I hate that I can’t just–be normal for—for five minutes,” he gasped, feeling that swell of self-hatred rising in his chest, “it’s always my fault–it’s–I’m always… so… difficult. I just—I can’t—...I don’t know why–I don’t—I hate it, I hate it so much.”

He was feeling sorry for himself again and that felt unfair. It didn’t feel like this was something he got to be upset about or something that Wayne or anyone else cared about. It felt unfair to complain to a man who had probably watched dozens of friends die right in front of him during the war; to complain to a man who had taken him in when no one else would and had to bear this kind of responsibility when he hadn’t asked for it. To have a snot-nosed-brat sobbing in his lap because people didn’t like him. But Eddie was nothing if not selfish.

“I’m so tired of being different–I don’t… I don’t want it anymore–why does it matter so much to people? I just–I don’t want it anymore–It’s–like—I know, I know people hate me—everyone in this goddamn town–people–pe—everyone hates me. Wayne–” he was heaving now as he rambled, everything just spilling out of him in these waves of emotions as each ugly sound crashed into the next. “It’s not fair—I don’t—I don’t want to be the freak–I don’t what—I don’t want to be a loser–to be a drop out–I don’t want—I don’t want to like men–”

The last of his confessions slipped out and Eddie felt his body tighten; his throat felt like it was being ripped apart and his lungs couldn’t pull in enough breath to satiate him. It hurt so badly. It hurt and he hated it and he didn’t know why he said it.

Eddie felt Wayne’s pets pause briefly before picking back up again. That more than anything made Eddie feel ashamed. It made his jaw shake and his shoulders tighten. How fear and sorrow rattled around inside of him at the consequences of his words. He didn’t know what saying them would do–he didn’t mean them. He knew he didn’t mean them–he couldn’t have meant them. Those words were a death sentence.

“It’ll be alright,” Wayne mumbled, the words not sounding as hollow as Eddie thought they would, “I like you plenty.”

Eddie tucked in at the compliment, feeling weak and small as his sobs quieted a bit. His tears didn’t stop, but his chest heaves changed into fluttering gasps as he slowly regained his composure.

“Freaks run in the Munson blood,” Wayne continued and Eddie blubbered a small laugh shifting to press into Wayne’s hip. He was such a child, but he couldn’t help but soak in the comfort.

It was quiet again for some time as Eddie’s crying turned into hiccups and then sniffles, the TV quietly rambling in the background. It took a long while for Eddie to calm down, but Wayne never stopped stroking his hair. He felt wrung out and hollow now, his emotions dull and his body aching from how hard he had cried. Still, it did feel better than when he walked in here.

“I kissed him…” Eddie said quietly. He felt Wayne shift to look down at him, a question in his movement.

“Steve,” Eddie explained, mumbling, “I kissed Steve the other week.”

“I see,” Wayne answered back, obvious awkwardness in his delivery. He had never been good at talking about stuff like this–anything really–but it was obvious that he was trying. “And he doesn’t like that you’re a guy?”

Eddie shook his head, and closed his eyes, tucking in closer still as he pressed his forehead against Wayne’s stomach.

“Steve likes guys,” Eddie sighed, breathing heavily as he wrangled his emotions.

“Alright…” Wayne replied slowly, obviously puzzling through everything. Eddie frowned and tucked in again, hiding as he felt shame wash over him.

“I kissed him…” he explained, sniffing, “and then I told him it was a joke, that I didn’t mean it…”

“Ah…” Wayne answered, sighing a knowing breath. “Did you mean it?”

Eddie swallowed thickly, taking a long time to answer as he pressed hard into Wayne as if he could disappear this way.

“I don’t know…” Eddie replied, his voice muffled. Wayne stroked his head again and Eddie breathed deeply through his mouth, feeling bad for crying all over Wayne’s lap.

“Alright,” Wayne answered simply, not pushing the subject at all. He was good at listening and Eddie quietly appreciated that Wayne always seemed to have time to listen to him ramble. Slowly, Eddie sat back up, his back to Wayne as he hugged his knees and rallied.

“Sorry,” Eddie mumbled, feeling like he had to apologize for the way he had acted. 

Wayne just patted his shoulder and Eddie felt a few tears slip down his cheek as if they had been knocked out of him by his uncle’s kindness. He sniffed hard again before getting off the couch and stumbling into the kitchen to splash water into his face and clean off the snot and tears. Eddie lifted the hem of his shirt to dry his face and then leaned against the kitchen counter, going quiet once more.

“Eddie?” Wayne spoke up and Eddie peered over at him through the cabinet shelf, “try telling your friend the truth.”

Eddie frowned at the suggestion, but he didn’t have it in him to be angry. Still, he didn’t think that was a great idea. What was he supposed to say? He wasn’t even sure if he knew what the truth was. How did he feel? Did he like Steve? That felt stupid and the idea made his stomach turn over. What good would a confession do anyway?

“And what’s that?” Eddie asked a bit flippantly, wiping wet strands of hair out of his face. 

“That you’re figuring it out and you want to stay friends,” Wayne offered, looking over at Eddie for a moment before turning to look at the TV again.

Eddie stared at the back of his uncle’s head, not sure what to say to that. Was it that simple? It felt like he wasn’t allowed to tell anyone that he didn’t know how he felt about something. That he was unsure and vulnerable and scared—it didn’t feel like things were allowed to be that simple.

He didn’t answer Wayne as the TV flicked from image to image painting the dark little trailer in different colours each time. It felt comforting and Eddie appreciated that his Uncle wasn’t smothering him. He was more grateful that Wayne had just… accepted him. He had accepted him like he always did. He hadn’t said anything when Eddie started to grow his hair out or when he got a tattoo, when he flunked school, and now when he had said… he liked men. It had been a surprise to hear himself say those words and there was still deep-rooted shame attached to all of that, but that felt like something he had to unpack on his own. Still, Wayne’s reaction had been the same as it was for all of Eddie’s past transgressions. He’d quietly support him or sigh with worry, but it never seemed to change anything between them.

Eddie shifted awkwardly from foot to foot and went to the fridge. He pulled out a can of beer and walked it over to his uncle, touching the cold metal to Wayne’s forearm so he’d look up.

“Thanks,” he muttered gruffly, looking at Eddie briefly before redirecting his attention to the TV.

“Yeah,” Eddie replied quietly, wiping his nose and touching his uncle’s shoulder before stepping away, “thanks.”

PT3

#we stan Wayne Munson in this house #Wayne Munson = best uncle #Eddit is dumb cause he spent all of last fic (the week prior to this) #proclaiming that he loved queer ppl cause they were treated like he is #he thinks queer people are cool but now he's like I CAN'T BE QUEER #that's just cause he's scared of what that means and he has to face so many horrors all the time #doesn't like being hated and sometimes the RSD gets to him #the “being straight” thing is like armor that has just been stripped away and he's been shown he can be hurt here too #he'll learn and grow and eventually love his queer-ness #my_writing #steddie #steve and eddie #eddie munson #steddie fic #my writing #wayne munson #I'm bored so take pt2 early

[mlmmetalhead]

God, do you love me?

Jason Carver x Male reader

Summary: Jason is fed up with guilt of his actions, searching for an answer of what awaits him and a way to distract himself.

CW: smut, religion induced internalized homophobia, angsty, vent fic(?), self hatred, Top!Dom!Reader, Sub!Bottom!Jason, no prep anal, cumming in pants, dacryphilia.

An: honestly I don't even know. I like this a lot but hate it at the same time.

WOMEN DNI

“Heavenly and Almighty God, I come before you humbled and sorrowful, aware of my sin, and ready to repent. Lord, forgive me for I have sinned before you. Wash away my sin, purify me, and help me to turn from this sin”

Jason muttered, folding his hands in prayer. God did not answer. Then he closed his eyes and tried to concentrate. But all his thoughts bounced from one to the other, like a faulty transistor radio, distracting him. Only one thought swirled in his head like a nasty insect: He had fallen so low, so far in his sin, that God had abandoned him. Suddenly, as if forced by something otherworldly, he looked up. There was no one up there. No one. No one is going to protect him anymore, as for he is a sinner. And it's his fault, of course. 

"Why?” - he whispered, bitter tears forming in his eyes.

Why was he the victim of the demon of lust, who embodied all his sins, all his filthy thoughts, and unfulfilled desires, worsening his self-loathing? Why him? Is it the will of the Almighty? Or was He punishing him for his other sins? Jason bit his lip, feeling the cold tears run down his cheeks. This was how his life would end. He would just disappear, never see God again, never remember Him, never go to Heaven. He won't have any peace at all. And yet he loved this world so much. Everyone admired his successes. He was happy. He was in love. He was free. A pang of burning guilt was eating away at his soul of passion and sadness. He wanted to be loved the same way. He wanted his enemies to know that sooner or later he would be free and love them himself. What would become of him? Would cold stone steps be the last place of his life? He will die. And who will regret it? His family? Or a world that will change forever? His friends? Why would they grieve for him? A wretched sinner, rejected by God. Wasn't that what he'd always wanted, wasn't that what he'd been born for? It was all for nothing. How unfair.

Now he will never ascend to Heaven. They will never know what he meant, how he acted, how he loved. All because of the horrible, god-awful thoughts that filled his mind. And it was never, never possible to get rid of them at all, though he tried his best. They were devouring him from within, like fire devours a dry log. And how many times had he tried to drive them out! But always, as soon as he touched Jason gently, they burst into flames with renewed vigor. And so it happened again and again. 

Jason could not get his lips, his hands, his soft voice, the smell of his body, his contagious laughter out of his head. And when one day Carver thought he had overcome that obsession, that he had succeeded in driving the red witch and her red rose away from him, he willingly gave in to the terrible temptation and kissed him. It was the first time this had happened to Jason. It was the ultimate sin. But he liked it. And now he hated himself for it. But he couldn't hate him, even when he tried. Because then he would have been able to say that he would never let anything like that happen again. And he couldn't say that. That would be a lie, because it was the best kiss of his life. The sweetest. And he wished so much that everyone around him would know about it... And when Jason made up his mind, and put his palm on his lips to get his attention, and as he felt the others hands roaming confidently over his torso, Carver's body rocking in a dark room, spread apart in a silent cry, as his cock worked rabidly, Jason managed to think - “What happens when he cums and silence ensues?” He'd have to get dressed again, wouldn't he? And then go home. Alone with his thoughts, and with his body, which could never be pure again.

And as if he couldn't learn from his mistakes, only halfway along, he realized that he was going back the same way, while the wind blew around the back of his head, with what felt like worms crawling around in his head. When the door opened, Jason's breath hitched again, just from the look on his face. Jason tried to put on a smile, but it quickly crumbled under the new tears that had fallen down his cheeks.

"Are you okay?" - Y/N asked, and Jason shuddered. He was utterly disgusted that his friend was actually worried. But he was even more disgusted with the fact that he was enjoying himself. He wanted to feel his hands on him one more time. It made him grow warmer at heart to know that L/N cared, and that made him want to vomit. He shook his head, and unable to get the words out of his mouth, gave in forward to Y/N, their lips meeting. When the air escaped his lungs and he felt the others tongue in his mouth, a hoarse moan erupted from his lips. Something broke inside him. Every single one of his repressed desires and thoughts broke free. And he could taste his approaching orgasm in his mouth. Jason almost came at that moment, unable to stand it. But as soon as Y/N put his tongue over his lips and said something indecipherable, he couldn't stop, and his orgasm was born as if by itself. Carver moaned, feeling even filthier than before, but he couldn’t wait for more, at the same time. He couldn't stop his hands when they wandered around L/N's neck, fingers ghosting at his earlobes. As their bodies pushed through, and the door fell shut behind them, one of the guys spoke up:

"W-wait, Jason... What's going on? Did something happen?"

And he couldn't bring himself to answer, only gazing into the others eyes, the feeling of helplessness once again washing over him, as his thoughts were forced to return to what led to this predicament.

"It's nothing... It's just I... I don't know..."

And Jason felt himself spiraling again, losing touch with reality as every sensation in his body blurred out, disappeared within the static surrounding his clouded mind. He was returning back to clarity, which is the only thing he didn't need right now, exactly what he was trying to avoid. And then, he felt it all coming back to life, as a voice whispered to him, right next to his ear, making shivers run down his spine.

"It's alright. I missed you, too."

Followed by a gentle trail of kisses left upon his neck, leading down to his chest. Jason held his breath and exhaled sharply as his body responded by pressing against Y/N. Thoughts, like sensations, flowed through him again into the real world while he swooned under the gentle touch of his wet lips, before he heard a soft whisper right above his ear.

"How far do you want to go? The same as last time?"

His mind was too clouded for him to give any sensible answer. Yet immediately a low moan escaped his throat as he felt gentle fingers unbutton his shirt, leaving his burning chest exposed. Carver’s hands reached for the buttons on the other man's chest, and when they clicked open, his lips touched now exposed skin and his cool palms ran over L/N’s naked torso. Gradually Jason's arousal reached its apex, and he arched forward, running his hands through the strands of H/C hair. Again a low whisper echoed through his head, which seemed to him the sexiest thing in the world.

“Get on the couch, and take your pants off.”

Despite the heat, a chill wave ran down Carver’s back. He obeyed and after getting on the soft fabric of the couch, quickly pulled down his jeans along with his underwear. Jason’s heart was frantic, but he was willing to do anything now So what followed was a mixture of shock and arousal happening at the same time. He couldn't completely comprehend the fact he was sinning like this again. Everything seemed surreal in the darkness, and maybe that helped to calm the guilt that was bubbling up in his chest along with the arousal. Jason squeezed his eyes shut for a second and wished, almost tearfully, that this would be his last night. He wouldn't have wanted to die any other way. At that moment two wet, firm hands wrapped around his hips, and he slid headlong into the heat. Through the haze he could feel L/N’s tongue wandering down his legs, caressing his thighs, ass cheeks, and the wet surface of his skin, quickly covering with droplets of sweat. The fingers that gripped his flesh tensed. It wasn't a shiver of arousal, but a subtle twitch of desire. Carver’s heart raced, watching through the cloud of desire as he watched Y/N’s, who loomed over him, the most beautiful creature he'd ever seen. Y/N pulled off his shirt and tossed it on the back of the seat, stripping off his shorts at the same time. He growled and rubbed his pelvis against Jason's thighs, making him afraid he was going to pass out. When he opened his eyes, he saw the other man’s face right in front of him, almost radiating a luscious tenderness.

"You're very handsome," a quiet whisper escaped Jason's lips on its own. Y/N laughed, leaning forward and kissing him. 

Their tongues merged in an endless kiss in which everything but their joined bodies dissolve, driving them crazy, creating a merging of two souls at the same time. Carver didn't have time to realize when Y/N entered him, feeling something hard and hot inside his body. He cried out and lifted his hips against the pressure of the man's flesh. Jason could feel L/N absorbing more and more of his body with each movement, as if his entire soul was concentrated in the center of this intercourse.

"You're the most beautiful man in the world, Y/N," he whispers, pulling away from him a little, and feeling himself succumb to the others pressure.  Thou wast perfect in thy ways from the day that thou wast created, till iniquity was found in thee. 

Jason himself was no longer strong enough to speak, but it didn't matter anymore, because there was no one else in the world but the two of them, and they continued to merge in a single stream of feelings until they were one soul. Carver moaned loudly, and his moan combined what seemed like the expression of bliss, love, and agony. Before he knew it, bitter tears were streaming down his cheeks. His hands clawed at L/N’s back, leaving the marks of his nails on the others skin. 

"You're mine, mine, mine," he heard a whisper in his head, and Jason himself could no longer distinguish whether he was saying it himself, or were it L/N’s words. 

He felt the movements inside him echoing in every single corner of his body, and each one was a tie between the two of them. Jason seemingly lost the comprehension of how fast was Y/N moving, or where else was he grabbing him, as his whole body felt on fire. 

As if forced out of the flow, Jason let out the words, "I'm yours," one last shuddering ecstasy causing him to roll his eyes and let out a moan that combined every emotion imaginable and unthinkable, the drop, the bliss, the ecstasy. He felt a sweet warmth pour inside him, like something had exploded on the inside at that moment. Carver twitched in an exodus, wrapping his arms around the other man’s neck. After a few seconds, the convulsions stopped, and the last thing he felt were Y/N’s lips gently pressing against his forehead. Whereupon circles swirled before his eyes, and he sank into darkness.

#stranger things #x male reader #x reader #stranger things x reader #stranger things x male reader #jason carver x reader #jason carver #jason carver x male reader #gay #stranger things smut #top reader #top male reader #dom reader #dom male reader #sub character #bottom character #male reader #male reader insert #reader insert

[mari-lair]

What got you into HanaKou? Any head canons? :3

Their early dynamic! Hanako being flirty and condescending is so good, and Kou acting super suspicious and confused, switching between "EVIL SPIRIT IS TRYING TO DECEIVE ME!!" and "...oh he knows a lot, he is helpful??" is charming.

Honestly, they are just plain fun.

I stayed in this ship for the soul-crushing implications as the manga went by but I do love their goofier dynamic just as much.

And I do have headcanon Anon! Strap in:

Hanako has mixed feelings about Kou growing up. He likes that he is alive and that he gets stronger with time, not experiencing the pain of being a ghost, but there is an unbalancing feeling that comes from watching the 'kid' grow up, slowly shaping into a new person, an adult, through the years while Hanako is forever 13. It is hard for him to adapt to. He hopes to be exorcised before Kou is unrecognizable from the boy he decided to trust, he hopes to see him grow all the way into an old man. He mostly tries not to think about it.

Hanako said "I can't wait for when you exorcise me" when they met, but he didn't care all that much about who exorcised him at the time, he just thought it would be useful to have someone to get the job done near. Now it needs to be Kou, he really wants it to be him. He is full of self-hatred so he will accept if someone else kills him without fighting, but it won't be the same.

Hanako has internal homophobia since he experienced being alive in the 60s, but it is a strange, oddly 'passive' kind. When he gets a crush in the young exorcist arc he does not register it as a crush, chalking it as part of the admiration/respect/trust package, which is a hard bag of feelings to process, considering how apathetic and isolated he has been in his afterlife. He is convinced this pull towards Kou is not that strange for friends and can think things like "If Kou was a girl, or I was a girl, it would be fun to seduce him~" without batting an eye. (I am still not over the genderbend Hanako chapter.)

Touch, and Quality Time are Hanako's main love languages. Kou's are Acts of Service, and Words of Affirmation.

Hanako gets plenty of quality time and his touch is never rejected, so is hard to get insecure about Kou not liking him, he mostly gets emo about not deserving his love. Kou does not get many words of affirmation, the Mokke has heard more compliments about Kou from Hanako than Kou has, this can make him insecure and extremely confused about how Hanako sees him, or how trustworthy Hanako is, so he is rarely soft or vulnerable with Hanako.

Kou gets so surprised he either goes speechless or embarrassed when Hanako gives him sincere compliments without hiding behind his "I am such a mischievous and playful ghost! am I being honest or am I being condescending?~" attitude. (It's rare and never last much)

Kou bakes him donuts when Hanako is sad and the ghost bothers him when Kou is sad. Hanako is a bit weird when it comes to comforting others, if what makes the exorcist sad is directly his fault or he feels like it is his fault, the ghost grows very guilty and invested, if it's not his fault in any way, Hanako becomes somewhat detached, still worried but not obsessed over it: He will help, but his worry isn't visible, is easy to believe he doesn't care about the problem at all.

If Kou ever met Amane he will be '???' cause the idea of a alive Hanako does not compute. Amane will find him rude, but kind of funny.

#sorry it took so long to answer Anon #the hanakou ghost posses me at random #also it is 30ºC (at 9pm???) so i am melting sorry for any grammar mistakes #tbhk #toilet bound hanako kun #hanakou #jshk #jibaku shounen hanako kun #kou minamoto #tbhk hanako

[gothlute]

Since you said it was okay to send you asks about Lute (and I really wanna talk about her ajshgs): do you have any headcanons for her as a character, fallenwings and/or guitarspear? :)

Also, as a doodle idea: fallen angel Lute!

I love this so much!!!!

Okay so the fallen angel Lute doodle will be done a bit later since I ordered a graphic tablet and I wanna draw it on it. I'll tag you!

Ive already made a post about Guitarspear headcanons too :D I might post more if I get ideas!

___________________________________________

Lute headcanons.

• Metalhead & likes goth music

• Had an emo phase, obviously, tho she won't admit it

• She's REALLY into music, either listening to it or making it. Adam and her make music together! She can sing and kinda play drums (tho she's a begginer)

• Her favorite bands is Type O negative

•Her favorite colors are black and red

• Super picky eater, and so is Adam

• High IQ, and possibly autistic, she gets told to get tested a LOT but she doesnt want to

• Is SUPER good at make up, she does her eyeliner super fast

• Very very good at strategy games. She's overall very smart and learns fast. The kind of kid to learn how to read super early and then get pissed at other kids because they can't do it

• Super serious most of the time, but the most unhinged mf with Adam because she trusts him deeply. She actually makes almost as much dirty jokes as him when it's just the two of them

• Both bi and homophobic : she was raised in a SUPER religious family and feels attraction to girls but is deeply ashamed of it.

• Had a situationship with Vaggie, but had too much internalized homophobia for it to work. She's SUPER bitter about it

• Pretty interested in mythology

-She's pretty muscular and very strong, she works out a LOT and pretty much all gay exorcists have/had some sort of crush on her (and everyone's aware of it except for herself)

• Wears a band shirt and black sweatpants like 50% of the time when out of uniform

• She would LOVE the Saw movies. They have gore, interesting lore and she'd love to learn about all the traps (she would wanna try them on demons LMAO)

___________________________________________

Now let's dive deeper into the Lute and Vaggie part.

Fallenwings headcanons (sorta)

!!CW interalized homophobia

I don't believe Vaggie and Lute dated. I do think they had something going on though.

To begin with, I think Lute is bisexual, with INSANE. amounts of internalized homophobia and religious guilt. She's plain homophobic, and thinks it's a sin, while ignoring the part of her that likes it. It has been easy at first because she wasn't into ONE specific girl.

But when she started liking Vaggie, everything was way harder. Her feelings were too hard to ignore. She felt genuine physical attraction, to the point where training with her was getting hard. Everything was complicated.

And Vaggie felt this way too. She started flirting with Lute, and even though she felt painfully guilty about it, she gave in.

They kissed a copious amount of times (never in public), slept together almost as much, and genuine feelings were developping for both of them.

But Lute's self hatred was only getting worse, and it was getting in the way. She would rather die than make their relationship official (though let's be honest you'd have to be blind to miss the sexual tension during training), and Vaggie had to constantly remind Lute that it was okay, that it didn't make her a sinner.

She didn't believe it.

She sometimes pushed Vaggie away when she initiated any contact, even chaste and friendly, and got very cold and disgusted to talk to her. Because after all, she's gay.

Vaggie tried to be as understanding as possible, but it was getting too far.

Her and Lute got into an argument.

Vaggie was like "this is stupid, you insist that we hide when we see eachother, you seem uncomfortable and it's clear that you don't really like me SO we should probably just stop". She wasnt that mad just a bit annoyed and sad

Except Lute took it very badly, and got VERY defensive and mad, because Vaggie was right. She got mean and lashed out on her, Vaggie left and they just...stopped talking

Basically, Vaggie thinks Lute used her to "try it with a girl" while Lute had actual feelings, and she HATES Vaggie because she let her see her weaknesses and thinks she's disgusting for making her fall for her!! She was a lesbian after all.

+ She betrayed heaven and it was OVER. It was the proof Lute was waiting for, proof that Vaggie was just a filthy sinner, disgusting, that she deserved to rot in hell, and that Lute's little phase was over, probably a test from God she passed.

Sometimes, Lute still dreams of the filthy sinner, of her sweet words and the warmth of her embrace. She still feels all warm when seeing two girls kiss, she still gets jealous. But she knows better than to indulge in those feelings now, she's a warrior.

#hazbin hotel #lute hazbin hotel #hazbin hotel lute #hazbin hotel rambling #fallenwings #vaggie hazbin hotel #lute x vaggie #vaggie x lute #dangervag #I hate this name LMAO #lute #vaggie #queer

[ontologicalsynaesthesia]

Queer Metaphor and Queer Literality

People have been comparing Our Flag Means Death and Good Omens a lot, but the similarity that stands out most to me is on the meta level of how they do their storytelling. I think they both feel like a similar flavor of meaningful queer story because they depict queerness at both a literal and a metaphorical level, where the positive elements occur at the literal level and the negative elements are depicted through metaphor.

On a literal level, both series are full of explicitly, textually queer characters who have actual romances with kissing and everything. Characters can be trans and express their gender in non-normative ways without reprecussions (mostly). There's almost no depiction of overt homophobia onscreen. I'm not sure whether Neil Gaiman or anyone else involved in GO has talked about this choice, but I know David Jenkins has said that he wanted to avoid making the characters in OFMD constantly deal with homophobia and queer trauma. It's not that they take place in queernorm worlds, exactly; it's more that the bad stuff largely happens offscreen. (I've addressed this in an OFMD meta about season 1.)

But the thing is, neither show actually shies away from depicting homophobia and queer trauma - it's just that they happen at the metaphorical level.

In GO2, both Crowley and Aziraphale's relationship to heaven and hell is, metaphorically, that of queer people to a stiflingly heteronormative society that will never truly let them belong and be themselves at the same time. They find community in each other - they are the only people in the world who have experienced the things they've experienced (and isn't that a relatable queer feeling!), and they also find community in queer humans, in a way. But to their home societies that originally gave them belonging and purpose, they're outcasts, and that's very lonely for both of them. They both deal with this very differently; Crowley abandons heaven and hell entirely and embraces his outcast-hood and independence (even though it's still lonely), while Aziraphale still longs for that sense of belonging and eventually decides to try to assimilate again (even though he can't really be himself there).

There's a lot more you can say about metaphorical queerness in GO (like in this recent Tor.com article). But basically, Crowley and Aziraphale's differing reactions to the ostracism of their native society mirror two different ways a lot of real life queer people respond the ostracism of their native societies, even though Crowley and Aziraphale themselves don't really face explicit homophobia for their queer romance onscreen.

OFMD intertwines the metaphor with the literal in a different way. In a way, piracy is a metaphor for queer community; we've all heard Izzy's "piracy is about belonging to something" line in the trailer (even though we don't know the context yet.) But pirates also commit acts of violence, and most people consider them horrible monsters. Stede and Ed both struggle with feelings of monstrousness that are about their piracy-related actions on the surface; but those feelings are instantly and horribly recognizable to a lot of queer people. Chauncey Badminton's "you defile beautiful things" speech is burned into my brain in part because that's exactly what my internal monologue sounds like sometimes (and I think you can pretty easily interpret that speech as being about Stede being literally queer as much as it's about Stede killing his brother; Badminton comes just short of outright saying it.)

When Stede leaves Ed, Ed dives headfirst into being the monster everyone believes him to be. He hates himself; he thinks he's unlovable; he commits as many atrocities as he can in the hope that someone will put him down, and he'll deserve it. I think he feels that Stede left him because Stede, too, saw him as an irredeemable monster, and he tries to make it true to justify his own self-hatred. Ed's self-destructive rampage is an over-the-top expression, in the context of a pirate story, of some deeply recognizable and relatable queer emotions. It's easy for society to make us feel monstrous; Stede dealt with that by trying to remove his influence from the world and return to the (heterosexual) status quo, and Ed dealt with it by trying to live up to the monstrousness he felt inside himself until it destroyed him.

I think one reason these two shows have been so effective - and been effective in similar ways, to more or less the same group of fans - is that this combination of literal queer joy and metaphorical queer suffering feels like a very deep, authentic, relatable portrayal of queer experience. It's fun and wish-fulfillment-y, and avoids getting too close to the reality of the negative experiences a lot of fans have probably had. But at the same time, it filters those negative, complicated, and familiar experiences through the lens of the fantastical, which gives them a certain clarity and emotional grandeur that they couldn't have in a work more true to life.

I'm pretty skeptical about equating "representation" to quality (I've read a lot of deeply mediocre queer books), and I don't think it's quite accurate that these shows have been so successful simply because they depict queer protagonists in queer romances; I think that take misses something, because in this day and age, there are a lot of queer romances out there and easily accessible. But I think the way queerness is embedded into multiple levels of storytelling in both these shows gives them a lot more depth of meaning and emotion, and I think that's a big part of what fans have latched onto.

#our flag means death #ofmd #good omens #ofmd meta #good omens meta #ofmd stede bonnet #ofmd blackbeard #ofmd os #ofmd s2 spoilers #ofmd spoilers #ALSO if you like stories that are queer on both literal and metaphorical levels of storytelling #please watch revolutionary girl utena and sarazanmai

[heretherebedork]

Alright, let's talk internalized homophobia.

Kawi is the poster child for internalized homophobia and how it can cause you to both avoid your own feelings and to attach yourself more strongly to any ideas that can keep you away from what you might actually desire in an effort to keep yourself safe.

This is a immature man who has never gotten past the kneejerk reaction he has to people assuming he's attracting to men. These are two strangers who think he's dating Max... who he's had a serious falling out with and who is, currently, barely willing to speak to him at all and obviously not in contact with him in the future at all.

Kawi is constantly thinking about how people see, how people view him, what will make people like him and what will lead to him being liked by people. And being gay? That won't do. Neither will being poor but he can't really do anything about that, not directly.

Kawi truly doesn't believe that who he is is something people can like. And it goes past being a messy eater, being a bit of a glutton and into just the very concept of who he is. Of him being poor, of having to work through university, of being awkward, of being bi/gay. None of that is acceptable because none of Kawi is acceptable except for the parts he molds to what he believes people expect from him.

This truly comes back to self-acceptance again and again. Kawi is so certain that if just changes himself enough other people will like him and so he rejects every aspect of himself that doesn't fit into that image. He doesn't eat with Pear, he doesn't talk to Max, he couldn't give or explain a broken gift, he can't admit he doesn't have money because none of those are part of how he thinks he has to be, who he thinks he should be but isn't.

It doesn't help, at all, that Piseang is drunk and upset when he grabs him in the future, a decade or more of pining behind him and facing marrying a woman he doesn't love coming out in a way that only pushes Kawi farther away from anything he might desire. (Not that he does at this point, I will absolutely argue that Kawi does not want anything from Piseang at this point in the narrative and will have to learn about his own feelings over the course of the story. Right now he genuinely and wholeheartedly loves Pear.)

That is disgust and discomfort and it is focused on the kiss.

I do think that a lot of Kawi's issues with internalized homophobia stem from whatever happened with Max but also from his own visceral discomfort with himself. Kawi is filled to the brim with self-hatred and the only real break he's ever had from it has been with Pear. Pear, who took care of him with him having to ask. Pear, who smiles at him. Pear, who represents someone from a 'better' kind of society accepting him. Pear represents who Kawi thinks he is supposed love but also who he thinks he's supposed to be. He is supposed to be a straight, rich man who isn't awkward, who takes care of someone else easily, who can be there for her and marry her, who can make his father proud by being exactly who society says he is supposed to be.

But he also experiences disgust at the thought of Piseang kissing him because he is still caught on the idea that he should marry Pear (he, in this case, meaning frankly either one of them) and that it isn't right not to want to marry Pear. I am unwilling to wipe his disgust under the rug because this moment is important. This is not Kawi's reluctance alone. This is someone who has accepted society's idea that being kissed by the same gender is inherently worse than being kissed by someone of the opposite gender. Which feeds, again, into how Kawi is focused on how society views him and believes everything society says about gay people, poor people, shy people, awkward people, sober people, lonely people, so on and so forth.

Kawi is being faced with a choice right now but it isn't what he thinks it is.

He is facing a choice between himself and the world. Between who he truly is and who he wants to be to fit into society.

And to even begin to face that choice, he is going to have to face his own homophobia and his own views of the world. He is going to have to face Max and Knot and Piseang and Pear. He is going to have to look at everything he has experienced and lived and realized that he has been trying to change a fundamental part of himself, many fundamental parts of himself, for his entire life.

Kawi needs to look past what society says about people, about him, and find out for himself what he thinks.

(I am absolutely terrified of how the show might handle this. There are so many layers and so many complications inherently built into the narrative we're seeing and this is based on Jittirain who does not handle nuance well. At all. And who definitely does not handle low self-esteem well. And characters in Jittirain stories tend to bow to whatever she wants the plot to be so... fear. Intrigue... but fear.)

#be my favorite #be my favorite the series #internalized homophobia #thai bl #thai drama #thai series #asianlgbtqdramas #asian lgbtq dramas #thaibl #bl series #bl drama #thai bl series #gmmtv #thai bl meta #thai bl drama #thai boys love #bl thai #oof i wrote an essay #it is probably only half-coherent #but i have a lot of thoughts #and a lot of fears

[jamisonwritestf2trash]

Slightly boring question, I know, but what LGBTQ+ headcanons do you have for the mercs (if any) , and for any of those, how do you think they realized?

LGBTQ+ Headcanons For The TF2 Mercs

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oh no anon this isn't boring at all, I love talking about queer shit, and TF2 so this is super fun for me!

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Uhhhh, light homophobia and transphobia??? I tried not to add any but a little bit of it!

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Demo is trans and gay. He was like twenty when he realized he was trans, like this dude was sitting in his home, and it just randomly clicked? Immediately thinks,

"Oh, that explains a lot." He had absolutely no clue what to do with that information, but he eventually figured out how to be comfortable in his own skin. As for him being gay, it was probably just the natural progression of things. He liked men before, and he liked men after. This man was so scared to tell his mom that she literally didn't care, she loves her son.

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Engie is pan and trans. Engie just always knew, like felt it in his bones knew. One of those kids who the moment they could talk just goes, "Oh yeah, I'm a boy now." His parents would just tell him he was a tomboy and that he'd grow out of it. Wrong! He only became comfortable with his identity when he was fifteen, only after years of internalized guilt and transphobia though. Uh, he definitely had to keep it a secret for a lot longer than that. He also just always knew he was pan. He always liked women and men, and he realized he didn't even care if the person he liked was both or neither. He just likes people!

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I think Heavy is bisexual,and like, he didn't even realize it until he met the other mercs. He just ignored the fact that he liked men. After all, every man around him seemed to only like women, so he just focused on women. (Well, not really, lmao) anyway! One night, all the mercs were talking about their escapades, and then some mercs brought up their experiences with men, and he just stared at them and was like,

"You, you can do that?" The team is just like,

"Yeah???"

"Oh."

(I've seen other people headcanon this and I love it and agree so much.)

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Medic is intersex and it just went unnoticed? Lack of proper medical care and a neglectful mother will do that to you. He's glad, though. Growing up, it was confusing for him, especially when he realized that his body was different, but he learned to love himself. He actually learned that he was intersex indirectly. He read some books on anatomy and realized he didn't look like the people in the book and that his body couldn't quite be defined as male or female. Would only be able to put a name to it years later. (I think he'd have Klinefelter syndrome) He's also gay! I think he just always knew, he just never had interest in women, but always chalked it up to being to busy with his work and studies to have time for dating, then he kissed a guy, and oh boy it clicked then. Once, he didn't have to worry as much about being harmed for his identity he became the silly guy you see now.

(His ass does not have a wife! He would call his husband his wife.)

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I want to trans Scout's gender so bad, but alas, it's funnier if he's cis with T-boy swag. BUT, this man is a queer. Bi disaster. He had a stroke when he first joined the other mercs. This man had to work through a lot of shit, all while pretending he isn't working with men who make him question his sexuality on a daily basis. I think at first he tries to convince himself that it's nothing or battles with extreme internalized homophobia and self hatred, and it takes him forever to accept the fact that it isn't weird or wrong to like both men and women. He's still just scared that even though he likes both, he's not good enough for either. (Oops, got angsty my bad.)

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Sniper is queer but just doesn't care too much about exploring his sexuality. He knows he has a preference for men but also has never considered being attracted to other genders, but also doesn't think he'd mind, and over all he just, doesn't know, and it's easier for him to just call himself queer and not have to figure it out. I don't think there was a defining moment, I think one day he just realized he wasn't attracted to just women anymore.

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"You can't just headcanon every shapeshifter as genderfluid!" Uh, yes, I can. So Spy is genderfluid. Spy dress might not be canon, but it's canon in my heart. He has no problem with being masculine one day and feminine the next. I think he realized on a mission one time (not with the other mercs) where he had to present fem for some reason, and he really liked it. He's also bi with a preference for women. He dealt with a lot of internalized homophobia like Scout did (like father like son and all that), but eventually came to terms with it when Scout came out actually. He realized that it probably wasn't that weird, especially when the other mercs chimed in with their sexualities.

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Soldier is pan, but he is also another case of "I want to trans his gender so bad, but it's funnier if he's cis." The comedic value of him not understanding being trans so he's supportive in the weirdest ways. Um, as for him being pan, he just doesn't care. He likes anyone who's a similar personality type to him, gender doesn't matter. It's all the same to him. I feel like it's another case that he always knew, dealt with internalized homophobia, and then the other mercs helped him work through it. (The team is very helpful when it comes to being queer, nothing else, though, lmao)

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Pyro is well, a whole bunch of identities, but I personally rock with, mtf trans agender, pan, and ace. So the mtf and agender part might seem kinda complicated, but I'll do my best to explain! I feel like Pyro was born male, but just always hated they're body and always wanted to have a female body, but then they realized that they wanted to have a feminine body, but no gender, so they did just that. Another case of them liking everyone, they just have a lot of love to give. Being ace, for Pyro, is no sexual attraction at all, just wanting to love a person, wanting romance, not anything more. They realized everything separately, being trans when they were around their teens, basically going through puberty and realizing how awful it felt for them to present as male, being agender years later when someone referred to them neutrally and they really liked it, and being pan when they forst started viewing people romantically, and ace when they got into a relationship.

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Not that it was asked but Miss Pauling is a lesbain btw

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Ah, these queers. UH Medic did everyone's surgeries, in case you we're wondering. He has so many uteruses lying around.

Some short and sweet hcs, uhhh, i have no idea what order im writing anything rn to be completely honest, I'm hoping I'll get through my flufftober asks, then some angst and some other asks but we'll see if I switch this up.

I had such a hard time writing this, I kept getting embarrassed at my writing style and thinking it was the worst thing ever written 😭

#tf2 #team fortress 2 #tf2 headcanons #team fortress headcanons #tf2 hcs #tf2 demoman #tf2 engineer #tf2 heavy #tf2 medic #tf2 scout #tf2 sniper #tf2 spy #tf2 soldier #tf2 pyro #tf2 miss pauling

[sergeifyodorov]

Hello um I don’t go here but what is the really good hockey fic from 18 months ago?? 👀👀

Okay dkjfhskjdfh a few people have said things like this so i have 2 clarify there is no That One Fic, i made that post up wholesale and started seriously watching hockey cause there was nothing on television (and grew up sort of half-watching over my dad's shoulder) and fic followed. THAT BEING SAID have some fic recs anyway... general cw for homophobia, the fics themselves are tagged with more detail

safe as houses, 31.5k, auston matthews/mitch marner. spy au. glorious in its horror. riveting in its universe. well-written and thrilling and deeply, deeply sad.

camouflage, 13.7k, phil kessel/sidney crosby. fairly lighthearted and sweet but is built on a base of hockeyculture... i crave slightly depressing realism even within my fluff

[_eliaspettersson just posted a photo], 9.8k, elias pettersson. this is one of THEE masterpieces of internalized-homophobia-self-hatred misery and i love it so much

pass it on, 9.2k, sidney crosby/evgeni malkin. this is basically hrpf required reading

it crawls with failure, 2.6k, taylor hall. sad sad man complains about his joints

also going 2 rec my own fics :pray:

scheherazade, 36.1k, auston matthews/mitch marner. let's get bombastic loretastic ... am34 gets bisexual in the timeloop

strange trails, 17.7k, quinn hughes. this was written before he was named captain but honestly it was kind of about him being meant to be captain. petey's here too. a little bit about the destiny of the canucks and a lot about hypothermia

cat's claw, 4.2k, matthew tkachuk/aleksander barkov. hard to shave with a broken Entire Upper Body

i wore his jacket for the longest time, 3.9k, auston matthews/rasmus dahlin. winner's room. these two really hated each other for a hot minute last year and i wanted to make them fuck abt it

#asks

[causesciencethatswhy]

The way Jikooks friendship even gets so minimised, all because JM is as close to JK as they want themselves or their self insert to be (because they don't understand/care for real Tae either) is so hurtful. Even beyond shipping, it's vile. It's also very telling how this is happening to Jimin in particular. Reeks of homophobia and a whole lot of internalised misogyny if you ask me. Same with Hoseok a lot of the time, too, especially in the Yoonmin dynamic.

The state of Army especially on twitter is...a lot to take in.

Exactly what I keep thinking. I've always considered that the vitriolic hate tkkrs/kpop fans in general have for jm is a result of internalized misogyny and I remember blinks or someone had mocked army's when they'd first brought it up because apparently men cannot be victim's of misogyny (some people need to really take a gender studies class in college is all I'm saying to that ).

Because jm presents in a more softer way that lends to feminity he also becomes the easy soft target to becoming the "other women" to their ships. It kind of made me really notice how a lot of the type of fetishisy shipper groups that you see in bl/fujoshi spaces are very similar to how tkkrs behave. The same intense hatred for the 'women'/women aligned characters and the immediate dislike for more feminine queer men is all something I've seen in fetishing bl spaces a lot.

The way jimin presents is much more obviously queer than any other member (purely based on mannerisms, cause if you hear joon or yoongi talking about love for a few minutes you can put two and two together). And his overt queerness makes a lot of cis hetero shippers (or kpop fans ) uncomfortable because they're forced to confront their internalized homophobia and misogyny head on. So they find a way to diminish his importance to the other members or villanise to cartoonish levels to deal with that discomfort.

I think the jikook suffer the worst brunt of this because jk for a majority of the fandom is the 'ideal boyfriend material' member , and that's perfectly fine as long as you're still able to see him as a full person outside of your fantasies of him. Jk obviously adores and admires jm (even if we're just looking at them as platonic besties). There should be no apparent reason to feel so threatened by jimins presence and importance in his life, except you see something There too. Except jimins queerness makes you uncomfortable and you project that onto jk.

As for the hobi thing with ynmin I honestly had no idea that he gets similar treatment in their theories (tho I'm not too surprised if that's the case).

I can barely scroll through army twt these days tbh. It's just bad takes, solo stan recruitment or ppl being dismissive of actual issues that army's should be focusing on like the kicking out 🛴 Braun from hybe, but instead being forced to debate blinks for the 100th time.

#jikook

[pluckyredhead]

My Favorite Comics of 2023

Sometimes I think I should review all the comics I read as I read them. Then I realize I read like...40 comics a month and decide to not do that. But I figured I could at least round up my favorite books of 2023!

So as not to bury the lede...

My Favorite Comic of 2023: Green Arrow

Was there ever any question? All I have ever wanted for like 20 years at this point is Arrowfamily shenanigans, and this book has been all about reassembling the gang and letting them romp through the DC universe. This is an Ollie who is overflowing with love and bad ideas, and that's perfect. Every character and relationship has gotten a chance to shine so far, and I can't wait until they bring the girls in. I especially love how clear it is that Roy is Williamson and Izaakse's favorite. ME TOO, GUYS, ME TOO. The fact that this is now an ongoing instead of a limited series is the best gift DC could have given me.

The rest of my faves...

Alan Scott: The Green Lantern: I did not expect to be as moved by this book as I am. The overall plot is a bit hard to follow, but that's not really the point of the comic. What blows me away every issue is how unflinching and occasionally brutal the book is in its portrayal of 1940s-era homophobia, including Alan's internalized self-hatred, and yet how simultaneously incredibly kind the book is. The love and validation, especially in #2 and #3, is so generous and beautiful. Also, it's the best and most beautiful I've ever see Cian Tormey's art look - he gives everything such a hazy, heartbreaking softness here. Please read this book.

Batman/Superman: World's Finest: This continues to be one of the most enjoyable books DC is putting out right now. Mora is one of those artists, like Doc Shaner, who draws the DC universe exactly 100% the way it looks in my hindbrain, and Waid is absolutely in his sweet spot of classic heroes, Silver Age lore, and extremely comic book-y adventure. Plus, Tamra Bonvillain is doing that thing she does with colors that taps directly into the happiness center of my brain - they are so rich and sunny and joyful.

Birds of Prey: I love everything Kelly Thompson writes and I'm so glad we finally have her at DC. She is the absolute perfect writer for this book, too - she gives such good superheroine. The banter! The action! The way she mixes and matches her cast in such fun combinations! Leonardo Romero's layouts are so kinetic and fun, and Jordie Bellaire's colors, YOU GUYS, JORDIE BELLAIRE'S FUNKY SEVENTIES COLORS! I can hear the soundtrack of this book. Love love love.

The Flash: To be clear, I mean the Jeremy Adams run that ended earlier this year with #800. I will forever be salty that DC canceled this delightful book, which was all of the action and humor and heart and love of continuity that I crave in comics, in favor of the so far completely mid Spurrier series. RIP Adams run, you were too good for this world.

Fire & Ice: Welcome to Smallville: This book got off to a slightly slow start, in my opinion, but every issue just gets better and better. It is so funny, and I want Natacha Bustos to design every outfit I ever wear for the rest of my life. Plus, Tamra Bonvillain is doing the color thing here, too! I want to live in her world.

Poison Ivy: I trust G. Willow Wilson with my life. This is such a good, complex, nuanced take on Ivy. (Also messy and poly and queer.) I have no idea where this story is going but I'm on this ride 'til the end.

And finally...

Favorite Backlist Title: Starman (1994): You guys. YOU GUYS. I mainlined all 80 issues of this series this year at an absolutely blistering pace because I did not want to stop reading it for even a single second. It's everything I love about comics: truly serialized storytelling with a huge cast and lots of intertwining subplots, tons of twists and foreshadowing that pay off in immensely satisfying ways, a deep dive into continuity that's still accessible to people who know almost nothing about Starman (me), a love letter to a fictionopolis, and one funky little dude trying his best at the center of it. I am BEGGING you to read Starman. Please.

#comics #meta

[agreekdemigod]

Features:

-Trans!Sanji/ Sanji wears dresses and make-up / crossdressing (<- tbh it is so beautiful and heartwarming to see him being so giddily happy whenever he wears a dress, his enjoyment is so honest)

-Fascination-at-first-sight/Zoro supporting Sanji and not staying quiet when Sanji's insecurities make him Act Up

-And boy does Sanji Acts Up (Negatively) as he battles his own self-hatred and Homophobia, in a realistic-ish way that really leaves you hurting/ feeling fustrated and yet not losing that vulnerability that makes you empathise for him. (FR, he is blantantly serious about his disgust. It is the Real first stages of "Gay Crisis", if u know what i mean)

-Smut (there for enjoyment but also a way to move the plot foward) /Sometimes it can be experimental for Sanji, other times it is a way to badly cope with himself and there's also times in which it is sweet and reassuring, it has all the flavours and it is sexy everytime.

-RE: The sex, also can i add that I love the author's description on how utterly smitten they are with each other when they fuck even if they are not openly admitting it, it is just so blatantly obvious they have been saying "i love you" (or at least "i care for you") from the first time they fuck

-This fic deals a lot with instrospection and the struggling of homophobia and self-hatred but also it is adorable and tooth-rootingly sweet with its happy ending. It is an story of growth and self-acceptance about how you can only get there yourself (by pushing your own internalized "standards" and pushing out of your comfort zone) AND how sometimes your love ones' support also involves they standing up against your shitty attitude (because a good friend/lover is one that also knows when to tell you to stop/says "no")

-The fic's tone is mainly dramatic and serious but also it has this very delicate vulnerable moments of happiness that make you feel safe and heals your emotional wounds to keep going and wish for a well-deserved happy ending (which they get). It is really good.

#zosan #zosan fanfic #demi reads zosan #ik i wrote a lot here perhaps more than other fics #but this one is more serious that the ones i use to read and i just love it sm i need yall to know it deserves the love #it may be heavy for some but it rewards you as a reader