#like i told someone i basically trauma dumped on her and it is true :))

[gxldencity]

I GOT to learn more about Dolores!

@allyennah also asked this lmao

Full Name: María Dolores Adelaida Alvaros y Marasigan

Gender and Sexuality: bisexual (cis) woman

Pronouns: she/her

Ethnicity/Species: Half Drow/Half Human

Birthplace and Birthdate: 10th day of Ches 1464 in a small barangay (town) in Cupang, Sina Una :)

Guilty Pleasures: Kids. She would never have them and had nightmares about being a parent but she's fond of them on their own. Like she's so weak to kids. The one time she got utterly mad so far was when Kagha was threatening to imprison and torture a child (like...the eldritch powers truly came out when Dolores was intimidating her to spare the kid)

Phobias: spiders lmao. She would not last a day in her father's homeland in the Underdark. Kar'niss would be an interesting person to meet.

What They Would Be Famous For: She already is (in)famous in the islands of Sina Una for nearly destroying an entire town :).

What They Would Get Arrested For: Murder :) and bc of her pact (which IM still trying to figure out the full conditions) she has been almost arrested in every town she's been in but thanks to the "kind" mercy of the eldritch creature she has a situationship with, she almost always gets away.

OC You Ship Them With: None tbh :) she truly zoomed in at the one person who has been appreciative of her efforts this entire time and has planned out their life together lmao.

OC Most Likely To Murder Them:

Also none. If anything Dolores would probably adopt them.

Favorite Movie/Book Genre:

Comedic plays I'd say. Anything to make her laughs.

but okay okay assuming this in the modern day and they share the same media as we do, she'll be a Romance novel and movie lover! She's a perpetually tired eldest daughter. She'll love the escapism and unabashed joy of a good Romance novel. The Brown sisters trilogy by Talia Hibbert would be her favourite.

Least Favorite Movie/Book Cliche:

Same idea as the last question...assuming this is in the modern day and we share the same kind of media as they do then she generally won't be a fan of doorstopper books and incomprehensible movies. She can appreciate the artistry of them but that's it lol.

Talents and/or Powers:

Aside from the powers given to her by her patron, Dolores is good at weaving and has knitted shawls and scarves for the camp. (Withers is fond of the hat she made him)

She's also highly organized and good at most housework thanks to her parentification :)). Not that she likes doing them. She still hasn't cooked for the camp because she finds no joy in cooking.

Why Someone Might Love Them:

Dolores is fiercely loyal and wears her heart around her sleeve. She has a lot of love to give. She's also compassionate and a good listener, an open shoulder to cry on.

A lamplight left on in the darkness, leading them home...so to speak :)

Why Someone Might Hate Them:

She can be overbearing, thanks to her wanting to find fulfillment with being needed. It's like something that she clashed with nearly everyone in the party early on bc like...just bc they have problems doesn't mean she has to solve them or god forbid use her illithid powers to read their minds (Gale and Wyll did NOT like that at all). She can be nosy as well and it is something she struggled with Shadowheart at the initially as u know Shadowheart prefers to keep things a secret as part of her calling to Shar.

How They Change:

She learns that it's okay to be selfish from time to time and not to sacrifice herself constantly. She also learns to channel the deep-seated anger she had for her family into something more healing. Like finding peace doesn't necessarily mean forgiving and forgetting the person who has harmed you.

Why You Love Them:

Dolores is like...my answer to most eldest daughter stories I've encountered :)). They almost always are too fluffy and ends with the daughter forgiving and reconciling with her parents after years of neglect and/or abuse. And that is fine I guess but I hate how most of the narrative around eldest daughters is basically that.

Sometimes your parents are abusive and they suck ass. Sometimes siblings also perpetuate the same kind of abuse your parents and living in the same abusive environment does not excuse or forgive their actions. And it's totally okay to have a negative reaction to this, to be utterly pissed off and angry about your situation.

It's fine to be resentful and hate your family. If they didn't want to be hated then they could've spent the entire time you're alive not being...abusive.

And there is absolutely No Need to dress eldest daughter obligations as "a way to show love to the people she cares about." Fuck that lol. Dolores can love and want to care for her family without being forced to give up her freedom to care for her siblings bc her parents suck at being parents.

Without getting too deep into it, Dolores is the most personal OC I've ever made. Moreso than the Ryder twins who were already very personal OCs (but for a different time period in my life and a different set of trauma lmao). There are some parts in her backstory (which I shall eventually post) that are similar to things that happened to me irl. While my family isn't That bad compared to Dolores' own family, a lot of the feelings are still there lol.

#dolores alvaros #she was also made out of spite :)) but i shall not elaborate further Lmao #like i told someone i basically trauma dumped on her and it is true :))

[madfantasy]

Been crying alot lately not knowing why, nd now I can verbalise it, I need to type it down for the sake of my sanity.. I think its lots of trauma dumping, I'm sorry

I've seen a post ask about if you're an ace would u be in romantic relationships, and I have just thought about how I'm always revolted by these concepts since I was 6 years old.

Having been always groomed to be wed to one of my cousins or a rich somebody to be my highest achievements as it solely focuses on my private parts as my worth and my ability to contribute to the family's "Good reputation" and reap back benefits to.

But I knew, all along, if I was forced to be with someone, that will end me being on this earth or them if they tried going near me. And growing up, I always tried to accept that fact, accept that u need to be pure and clean and be good for wedding and basically enslaved to it, cuz that's all our still impoverished family can aspire to. And on top of the dark thing that happened to me, making me truly believe I have no worth in this world and have prayed to be taken to heaven before I hit puberty, and have tried pitiful attempts to leave it, untill i got faint access to Internet and stole the keys to the locked books, they themselves should have been reading, around 17 years old, found an only opening and escape to reality.

I remember, my refusal was all the firmer the more anyone tries to tell me all about the glamor of being an intimate house maid and the domestic abuse they gloss over that I personally have witnessed time and time again with every couple that visited or we went to. I always respond that i am already one to my guardian's with the same abuse minus the gross intimate part.

I didn't even understand why I hated it so much while everyone is doing it, and as young as 16.

I avoided alot of marriage offers thanks to my guardians being, in one good way, over protective. And me losing my mind every time they brought it up. Literal uncharacteristic melt downs and now they fear the subject after they finally snapped me after saying no for years wasn't enough of a respond.

I'm 30 and the latest offer was from a rich cripple who was willing to pay all my guardians debts and give them a farm. My guardians dream. They turned it down without consulting me.

I've always hated the concept of pairs joined by s*x and the s*x itself. And marriage as a whole never made sense to me, considering the developing world and its problems. But I understand it as a bond if its first and foremost was not for love, it was for safety— mental, financial and otherwise.

And where I come from, independence is supported by the family, you can not survive, work, do anything if you do not have a family, and specially if you assigned a certain gender. So basically, I lived in isolation for the majority of my life, in poverty, marriage seen as the only -allowed- way out.

And it's all stims from a so called religious teachings.. Alot in common in this world, who take it as a personality trait and use it to justify injustice. Even though most of the time they know nothing about it beside what they are told by their authority figures and operat in this world as superior to all others because they were told they r the true religion. I saw on TT a so called mus-girl complaining about her children being exposed to 'rainbow ppl' in school education and having the nerve to complain about it living as a foreigner welcomed to practice her religion in a western country and claims not to be hateful. And yes, Arab ppl call the community 'rainbow' which reeks of the phobia and condescension. Like their religion teaches them to be at peace with all and treat ppl how they like to be treated, yet they fail to apply that when they don't like or lack the emotional intelligence to understand others who are merely different, just different and existing, exactly like them. And they do believe God made everything, so he did make those people, so what their excuse to that? And they exsisted since tbe dawn of humanity. And funny thing is their religion tells them that God made humans different, and urges them to read, to wonder the earth and consider facts and if they don't know to ask who are knowledgeable, and their intentions matters more and if they did unjustly by anyone, who ever they are, they r not a true mus--. It obviously translate to just ask a man who knows nothing about science, empathy or common sense or notice the accumulating facts and only repeat a select few he is told at a religious house. Thinking seems to be a burden these people happily relinquish to others. Which irkes me to no end

I was told all the shit I endured is because it from gods teachings, and it should make me happy. I never stopped questioning if this is a bless then why I was never happy? And why I can't do as I am told

They beat me up when I drew, when I was rowdy and when what now i know is stimming, shaming it as an act of another religion, and it was the running joke in the whole family. Mental health was an immense shame and hush hush, and anyone who seemed to need it was judged to be just a lesser mus-- so they deserve all the pain and suffering they get

I was glad that lady was getting chewed by ppl who was responding to her, but one person said something that just made me burst into tears and I couldn't stopp crying lately..

She said she was a teacher that goes from school to school and stuff so she experienced alot of communities and she noticed the vast differences between children who's family love and support is unconditional and those who don't, they obviously tend to later thrive.

And thats the word..

Thrive

Besides our financial situation never changing to the better, everything else was in decline, my guardians health themselves relying on me even more, and my mental anguish exasperated to a point i barely see a point in life, daily.. I can barely draw now, something I did 24/7

Everything that I am I had to do deep research for just to know that there's nothing wrong with me or im not deserving punishments for. I am ace, I am a gentle Them, I am on the spectrum, and I am Mani..

I did everything I do now in secret and complete agony. I learned English to gave privacy, continued to draw cuz it was my only alive part, and posted online when I was forbidden completely to protect my art from being lost, had to swear that I was nit interacting with others. I lied and one of the few times I was found, I was beaten while a school friend was on the other line in a voice chat. I was more humiliated that my friend witnessed it than being caught.

I still have the deep fear and distrust, I can't deal with social things, having to keep guessing which social cues they are using and not to become a living status, leaving the house the mere thought if it alone is panic inducing, I can never feel safe and cant risk something that might bring any harm to me and my sibs, every few days I struggle not to just delete my whole exsistance online. I can't look at faces even in pictures and if I did or need to I have to mentally prepare myself for so long. I literally had to convince my guardians that I can have a credit card so I can "learn" to do stock shi then used it to have PP and one day i got commissioned, and only when that happened I was able not to keep it a secret. And in its place now I feel the pressure when I can't provide or won't

The rest I still have no luck, I bearly managed to tell them recently that I suspect that I am on the spectrum, reading alot about it lately and it explains even things I couldn't. The nearest I managed to tell them that I am ace and what it is is that I started by saying I find who we are suppose to be wed to disgusting and I already living that glamorous stay at home shi nd co-raising 5 siblings they know very little about. They said fine but don't go saying that out loud cuz God says that marriage is the greatest bless but I won't force u ever.

I just feel my life force almost over, while I experienced nothing of life beyond isolation and constant need, so i cant thrive in anything.. Everything I wanted to do I begged to try was denied cuz either of my privates or cuz we were poor. I wanted to be athletic and do sports but there was no such thing as a second gender sports around. I wanted to be and still wish I could be, a wrestler. Unsurprisingly WWE was my inspiration and practiced as serious as a kid could, having what I believed a super pain tolerance cuz I never cried as I was beaten. I was cut from even watching it because it was "shameful " all of a sudden. Later I understood it was because everyone was shirtless and it was s*xulised by them. Everything became the same later, everything I drew or expressed feared to be s*xual and or homo nd I was punished over, I literally drew dying ppl and bromance alot at first. And they just projected their assumptions on me. I understood later and still can't bear the thought that ppl can project s*x into anything, and it never clicked in my mind because of what I am. And that was their biggest fear. I drew things cuz I saw them beautiful, and they only saw it as vulger, because they can't help but hyper s*xualize everything or assume it being so even with clear indications. Something that happened online too, tumblr nd tt, so it triggers me horribly

Something ace i also realised there's a word for (forgotten ittt ugh)— even though s*x and its mention is completely revolting to my person and I can have no relation to it. I can still enjoy it as a fictional concept, as entertainment, if u will, specially in a muse of two characters I enjoy. So drawing it is fun and exciting and enrichs my naughty side. Until I finish it and I never want to see it again cuz I'm not super good at it yet heh

In my mind, I can love and treasure who ever platonicly, and our bonds does not have to direct our paths in life. My romance is bromance, and meaning I will do everything to make my bestie happy, and my biggest wish is to live like tintin, in a mansion and everyone can be free to go on adventurous escapades, like getting coffee. ( i never done that, so

And this is something I wish to do with my siblings, if the stars were ever to align..

At least have Sherir with me.. puppets make me happy

#text #personal #vent

[risingfire17-the-weeb-trash]

40 Day Anime Challenge  Day 19- Something you ship that makes absolutely no sense: Alice Liddell and Peter White from Alice in the Country of Hearts (2011)

Synopsis (paraphrased from fandom.com: Alice Liddell is kidnapped to  Wonderland and thrust into a "game," where the only way to return home is to get acquainted with Wonderland’s denizens. However, her attractive, weapon happy new friends are embroiled in a power struggle that may kill her first!

Warning: I know this is a post about anime, but in this case I will say DON’T WATCH THE ANIME! They adapted a 10-route otome game that took a 6-volume manga and 9 spin off series into an 85-minute movie. Needless to say, it’s terrible. Play the game or read the manga.

*MAJOR Spoilers Ahead*

Yes, Peter kidnapped Alice and brought her to this dangerous world. Yes, he constantly disrespects her boundaries. (To be fair, so do most of the other characters.) And yes, his attitude is really annoying. So, why do I ship this?

All based on a headcannon that isn’t even true. Peter was the only one who saw Alice in her world, and it’s explained in the manga that he brought Alice to Wonderland to rescue her from a tragedy in her world, that she doesn’t remember that her sister Lorina is dead, and that in order to bring her there, she couldn’t remember him from the Sunday afternoons in her world. My musings started when @sailorstarr-chan4​ told me she believes Alice killed her sister, which is why she feels guilt about her sister but cannot remember that she’s dead. And it made so much sense I couldn’t let it go.

Now, why would Alice kill her sister? We know she constantly compares herself to her sister and has incredibly low self esteem, and that she was dumped for her sister. Given Alice’s character, I don’t think these motivations alone are enough for her to kill her sister. However, let’s think about the life of the real Alice Liddell. She was the middle child of a well to do family, and thus routinely ignored. She received romantic attention from Lewis Carroll when she was 10. Something happened that led her parents to cut contact with him, and while that something has never become public knowledge, the rumors about it ended her engagement to the love of her life, Prince Leopold. Looks to me like someone was abused as a child and blamed for it later. So back to our anime/manga/game, why would her sister be the target of her rage? My theory is more fleshed out in this fic I wrote, but read the trigger warnings first!

But, after reading Peter’s spin-off and playing his route, I found no evidence to support either theory. In fact, his route didn’t even mention that Lorina was dead. But then I read this true end summary, and while her sister is confirmed dead, neither me or Star’s theories are true. The truth is actually way more boring. She blames herself for Lorina’s death (who died of illness) but blames herself after being blamed by her younger sister Edith simply because she cannot cry at the funeral. Just because she processes grief differently, she is blamed and blames herself. That’s the despair that Peter wanted to save her from when he kidnapped her. I mean, I’m glad she didn’t go through what I thought she did, but still...kind of underwhelming.

So, that’s basically why I ship Alice and Peter, because in my mind, he’s the one who saves her from trauma. And he still is, it’s just not as dramatic as I thought. And by bringing her to the Country of Hearts and making her forget the truth, he’s impeding her ability to process her grief and move forward, so really, how much of a hero is he to her? I ship them because I see Peter as Alice’s hero, but that opinion doesn’t make much sense anymore.

Also, the true ending shows that Nightmare had a role in bringing Alice to the Country of Hearts, and it’s unclear who’s idea it was originally to bring her there, so who is really her “savior?” And it’s revealed that all the characters loved her and tried to make her happy because of what she’d been through. So, if everyone knew, then any of them could have been with her based on my trauma bonding/healing ship dynamic. 

HOWEVER...I still ship it.

#anime #40 day anime challenge #heart no kuni no alice #alice in the country of hearts #manga #otome #Alice Liddell #Peter White #ships #ships that make no sense #true end #spoilers #trauma bonding #grief #healing #unhealthy coping mechanisms

[kerobin]

sobrang naaamaze pa rin ako that we all have different perspective pagdating sa love, na iba iba tayo ng definition nito. lagi ko nang naririnig dito na hindi dapat gawing therapy ang isang relationship, and that’s true. na we should not dump our past traumas sa partners natin. and then i realised na hindi siya ganun talaga kadaling sundin sa totoong buhay. kasi kahit gaano pa ka healthy yung klase ng relasyon na meron kayo ng partner mo, lahat ng desisyon mo, gaano man kaliit o kalaki ang magiging impact nito, it’s always attached from your past experiences, regardless if its relevant to the relationship now or not.

meron akong best friend sa dati kong work, she had an 8-year relationship with a guy. sobrang maalaga nung guy. between the two of them, yung lalaki yung may trabaho na may mas malaking sahod so he mostly provided (as he should). sobrang maalaga niya, at sobrang pampered nung dati kong best friend sa kanya. they always ate out, went to travel around the country. they were really happy, she said she could already see them growing old together, na inaantay niya na lang na magpropose yung guy so they could tie it up. however, that didnt happen. the guy broke it off. she was shocked at first. and when it hit her, she was really really devastated. eight years. they were together for eight effin years. her other friends (from home) knew his friends, she knew his mom and she was always at his house, her brothers were friends with him, she was friends with his sisters, and they just broke up. months later, she heard he got engaged with someone. she really took that hard. she was a wreck. andami niyang nakalandian, fubu dito fubu doon. she never took anyone seriously. and i couldn’t really blame her. sobrang tagal nung 8 years for that to be wasted only. lagi siyang nagwawalwal, stress-eating, she wasted away, her potential as a whole.

until recently, she found someone, and so far, it has been the most consistent relationship she’s had since the 8-year guy. however, ito ang catch: she’s the one who’s always calling the shots. she says where they would eat, what he needs to wear, when shed like to see him, that sort of stuff. she’s basically the one holding the steering wheel. she’s the navigator and hes only there for the ride. im not sure if shes serious with him this time, she hasnt told me that part yet, but she says that shes happy with him and she’s just guarding that happiness kasi ayaw niyang matulad na naman dun sa nangyari. i dont know if i should pity the guy, but i can see naman na shes sincere and she loves him, saved for the walls she built around her heart.

my point is this: i know i cant fault her for her love. i saw her when she was with the 8-year guy and i see her now with the newer guy. and she is miles different. im not sure if its because of the duration of the relationship (the old and the current) but i dont think anyone should be able to tell anyone how they can show their love. yes, i don’t agree with how she’s now showing her love to her current partner but i cant say its wrong, kasi that’s the love her experience has taught her or at least that’s how she defines it now. thats the definition of love for her. and while i have a different one, hindi ko naman pedeng ipilit yun sa kanya at sabihin na yun ang standard meaning ng love dahil 1) magkaiba kami ng pinanggagalingan; at 2) di ko rin naman alam kung tama ba ang paraan ko ng pag-ibig.

maaaring sa paningin ko o ng mga nakakakita, toxic ang klase ng pag-ibig na meron sila ngayon. o kaya naman, maaaring para sa kanya, this is the only way and only the right way to show her partner her love. and we really cannot say for certain.

sobrang laking konsepto ng usapin ng pag-ibig, and maybe i really dont have the right words to even attempt to start a discourse about it. pero sobrang naaamaze lang ako how something can hold this much significance. how something can evoke so much emotions, so much thoughts. sobrang laking concept ng love that until now, were still trying to look for its meaning and purpose (which, we may or may not find at all. or maybe were not even supposed to be looking in the first place)

#me #yikes ang haba neto di ko inexpect na dadaldal ako nang ganito charot #tldr; we have different meanings for love and it sure as hell shows from how we act on it

[nolongerdani]

in which i talk about my father issues and anxieties

OK to preface this, I am writing this at 3 a.m. due to another insomnia episode, and as the title suggests, I am going to talk about my father issues and how it’s hard to be someone with an anxious/disorganized attachment style. Trauma dumping, if you will. 

I don’t like boxing people into psychological terms because I believe that humans are complex -- our experiences and traumas trigger in us responses that are unique from one another. But in this case, it’s just really textbook shit. 

Anyway, here goes. 

My parents separated when I was in sophomore year of college. My mom up until that point had been constantly irritable -- she complains about my dad a lot, she’s stressed, and basically all those years of raising us, working for our education and needs, without ANY help from my dad just took a toll on her that she decided one day -- and with our blessing -- that she has had enough. 

To be fair, my siblings and I weren’t close to our dad, at all. In fact, we were constantly bullied, neglected, and verbally abused that an attachment or bond between father and children didn’t really pan out. My dad saw us as trophies. He couldn’t care less about raising us, about being a dad at all except when being called at school for awards or other achievement that he had little to no contribution in. I for one has had lots of bad experiences with my dad, all of them I can remember vividly and have been stored away at the deep recesses of my memories. Well, basically the separation did not come as a surprise to us -- in fact, we felt relief. 

The early years of the separation weren’t easy. Us children were obligated to be there for our father -- out of guilt my mom forced us to bond with him. I didn’t experience the brunt of this, my second brother did, but that didn’t mean that it didn’t affect me. We were in this limbo where we’re trying to unlearn years of societal conformity of always being submissive to our parents even though they didn’t give us a time of day. 

For a while I sought support from my friends, even though it terrified me that they might get tired of me and see right through me -- that I’m just me, a burden with all these childhood trauma. I guess this is where my anxious/disorganized attachment developed. I always wanted constant assurance from them that they’re still my friend. But I do love them all fiercely, I’m grateful to have them in my life. They were a huge part of my healing, their presence and their understanding was my fuel all throughout. 

After years of struggles, of arguments with my mom, of witnessing this toxic cycle, there was peace. Truth be told our relationship with our mom was solid, while our relationship with our dad was civil -- of course we would give him respect but because he was our sperm giver and we weren’t bad people. We weren’t the type to spread the word about our family’s situation, we weren’t like that. We minded our own business and just lived our lives normally. After all, we deserve this freedom. Until my dad just starts playing the victim, creates this victimized narrative of him, to the point where my best friend of 16 years’ family got involved. How mature, right? (Sarcastic)

My best friend knows the true situation. And I appreciate that she stands up for me whenever her mom (or dad) talks to her about my estranged dad and how he spews these lies about us. But this honestly disturbs me because I don’t want them to get involved -- this is our family’s problem. I totally get where her parents are coming from, of course they would be that way because they only know my dad’s version of events. And it absolutely terrifies me to lose her because of my dumb, vindictive father and how he just makes this fake narrative. It’s like he’s deliberately doing this knowing that the kid of his friend is friends with me -- like he’s doing this to sabotage me. 

I trust my best friend and I love her to death. I know she knows the truth because I’ve only ever been transparent and true to her. But it’s just disturbing to sandwich her and her family in this family drama. Like, shut up dad. Please. Time to accept that our family will never be the same. Time to accept that your children will never be close to you because of your negligence and indifference. Time to move on. Move on to your new thang and your new family and I hope you shower them the love and care that you didn’t on us. 

#trauma dump #storytime #musings

[softxsuki]

Hi, can I please send in an urgent request? I'm just having a really night, I can't stop crying. I keep remembering what happened and I feel like I'm in that place again and I'm all alone. I don't want to trauma dump so I'll put in some warnings. If you see something that triggers you, please disregard this request, I understand and I can manage.

Warnings: Manipulation, Gaslighting, Cheating, Insecurities (body image, mentions of scars and size)

I was a teen when I first had my first "serious" relationship. It lasted 3 years and it was on and off. We broke up multiple times due to them cheating and me not being able to cope with it. We had a 12 hour time difference and lived on opposite sides of the world. I wasn't perfect. I wanted him to be here when we were both teens, expected too much. He gaslit me when I questioned him when he became cold. Truth be told, I think he's a good friend and person but wasn't a good partner to me. I got traumatized by this relationship and second guessed my every move. I got into a relationship after that one and I promised myself to do absolutely right by this person. He didn't have confidence in our relationship and other people were telling him I'd leave him for someone who was "better" looking. He believed them. Over the period of a year, I'd tried my best at showing affection. Texting, updating, and trying to call but he wouldn't answer. It even reached a point where there was 10 days where he didn't talk to me but I still texted good morning. I went to his college to give him a gift and he basically shooed me into a bus terminal to make me go home. I didn't even know the way back home because I didn't know the area. He then got sick while I was in uni class. I blew my month's budget for food and necessities to buy him what he needs while he was in the hospital. I went there right after class, still in my school clothes and tired after 10 hours of class. He wouldn't say which hospital it was. I had to call around to find him and when I got there, he wouldn't even look at me. After that, he broke up with me. Soon the person he was cheating me texted me just to rub in into my face that he chose her. It hurt. It still hurts. And we got back together after half a year with promises for him to change for the better and he has changed. He did everything I asked. Been nothing but regretful and trying his best to change and show that he's changed but here I am still hurting. And all of this started when I saw that he had a reminder set for her birthday that he forgot to remove.

I just need comfort, please. Like maybe a scenario where there are rumours that Hawks (he's my comfort character) is cheating and he comforts me, tells me that it's not true and reassures me that he loves me through and through, even my scars and my size. or I'm vividly dreaming that he's cheating on me to the point that I'm crying in my sleep then he wakes me up to comfort me because I'm really wishing that this is all just a really bad dream and I just wish someone would wake me up.

I'm sorry. I found your blog a lot earlier and I told myself to only send an urgent request when I couldn't handle it by myself anymore. I just need reassurance from my comfort character.

Hawks Comforting Reader Who Hears Rumors That He's Cheating On Her

Pairing: Hawks (Keigo Takami) x Fem!Reader

Warnings: Mentions of cheating (he's not actually cheating), mention of scars, low self-esteem because of body image

Genre: Comfort, Fluff

Post-Type: Oneshot

Word Count: 1k

Summary: In which you see an article that suggests that Hawks is cheating on you with another woman. As soon as he gets home, you confront him about it and he denies the rumors as he tries his best to reassure and comfort you.

[A/N: Hello anon! First, thank you for coming to me with your urgent request. Please don't ever hesitate to send one in, I'm always grateful to be able to help you guys like this if I can. Second, I am so sorry you had to experience all that. Cheating is such a horrible thing and I know it may seem like you're the one who is having bad luck finding a man who won't cheat on you, but please know that you are NOT the problem. You deserve someone who makes you feel secure in your relationship with them. I really hope it works out with your boyfriend that you have now, but if it doesn't (which is normal), then I know the right man is out there waiting for you. Someone who will treat you like royalty, who won't make you feel insecure in your relationship, and someone who will love and appreciate all the efforts you make, while making efforts of their own. NEVER SETTLE. You deserve so much more <3. With that being said, I hope Hawks is able to provide you with some kind of comfort through this oneshot. I also made reader Fem so please let me know if you'd prefer a Gn! Reader and I'll change that up for you. Take care <3]

Not again, please not again.

You read the headline over and over again.

“Is Number Two Pro-Hero Hawks Seeing Someone Else?” you read the title out loud for the nth time.

Attached to the article is a picture of Hawks with another woman that wasn’t you; his hand was placed on her lower back as he looked lovingly at her. You eye the woman in the photo– she was perfect. Everything you wished you were–thin, beautiful– not one imperfection in sight.

Why did this always happen to you? You always did your best to show affection to your partner, giving him all your love and attention, putting him first before yourself whether he realized it or not. What were you doing wrong?

Your boyfriend wasn’t even home yet so you couldn’t confront him about it, but truth be told, you wished he wouldn’t come home yet. You weren’t ready to talk about it. What if he really was cheating on you? How would you deal with that again after your numerous previous relationships where you had been cheated on? If only you could just close your eyes and wake up from this horrible nightmare.

Your thoughts are cut short as you hear the jiggling of keys at the front door. He was home. Your heart hammers loudly in your chest–so loudly that you can hear your heartbeat in your ears.

“Baby I’m home! You here?” you hear him announce himself as soon as he gets the front door open.

You peek around the wall you were sitting behind, trying to hide yourself from him as you see him walk further into your shared home, still in his hero clothes. You almost jump out of your skin when his eyes flick to yours, his eyebrow raising slightly as you scurry to hide yourself behind the wall again.

“What’re you hiding for?” he asks now crouching right beside you.

You screech at his sudden presence and move away from him.

“N-nothing,” you say, not ready to know the truth yet.

“Oh c’mon baby, you can tell me,” he moves closer to you, bringing a hand up to cup your face lovingly.

You swallow hard, hating the way your body reacted to his touch, leaning into the warmth of his hand, but you stop yourself and scoot away from him once again. You hold your phone up to him, allowing him to read the gossip article you had found about his alleged cheating.

He stops in place and takes your phone from you, reading the article and scrolling through it, the frown on his face grows longer the more he reads. You can’t help the warm tears that come falling down your face as you admire him. Will this be the last time I ever get to see him as mine?

“Y/N, baby. These aren’t true, I promise you. I had just saved that woman from a gang of villains. These reporters just happened to capture the moment I was putting her down as she thanked me. I’ve never seen her before other than that,” he explains as he finally looks down and sees your tear stained face.

“But she’s so beautiful. Not like me with my disgusting body and horrendous scars. I can see why you’d want someone like her,” you confess the dark thoughts that had been eating away at you.

Cheating or not, you always felt like Hawks would eventually leave you behind whenever he found someone more appealing–someone worthy of loving.

“Baby no. Don’t say that about yourself,” his eyebrows furrow as he sits on the floor beside you, taking your hand in his, “I love you and only you. I love your scars, I kiss them all the time, don’t I? I love your body too! Every inch of you is complete perfection to me. No one on this earth could capture every inch of my heart as strongly as you have. I just wish you could see for yourself how amazing you really are.”

“Really? So you don’t love her?” you sniff, turning towards him to see if he was being sincere.

His eyes were pooling with love for you as he responded, “Of course I don’t love her. There’s only enough room in here for you my love.”

He pats his chest where his heart is located and once again cups your cheeks.

“Let me know whenever those negative thoughts come back into your head. I’ll kiss them all away,” he says as he leans in and kisses your forehead, “And please know that I would never cheat on you, ever. A man never lets his woman feel insecure in their relationship, so I’m sorry for not showing you enough, how much I love you.”

“You do!” you assure him, remembering all the moments he’d take care of you and make the first move to call you or tell you he loves you, “I just let my insecurities get the best of me. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t ever apologize,” he whispers before leaning in and leaving a lingering kiss to your lips, savoring the feeling of your lips on his–his favorite feeling–before pulling away, “Always question me whenever you feel insecure or suspicious, I’ll make sure to ease your mind instead of having you worry about it by yourself. I love you so much, please remember that.”

“I will,” you hum, leaning your head on his shoulder as you close your eyes and enjoy his presence.

You feel him leave your side for a second, before warm hands wrap around your back and thighs, lifting you off the ground.

“Off we go for cuddles!” he announces with a laugh as he carries you to your room.

You laugh along with him, swinging your arms around his neck, glad that he wasn’t cheating and still loved you dearly.

He lays you on the bed before jumping in beside you and pulling you into his arms.

“I love you,” he rests his forehead on yours, “so much.”

“I love you too,” you reply, closing the distance between you with a kiss of your own.

REQUESTS ARE OPEN :D

Posted: 12/26/2021 (yes ik it's the 27th, but I haven't slept yet so no <3)

#mha x reader #bnha x reader #hawks x reader #takami x reader #keigo x reader #mha #bnha #keigo takami #mha x y/n #mha x you #bnha x y/n #bnha x you #hawks x y/n #hawks x you #keigo x you #keigo x y/n #mha oneshot #mha fanfiction #bnha oneshots #bnha fanfiction #hawks oneshot #hawks fanfic #keigo oneshot #keigo fanfic #mha comfort #mha fluff #bnha comfort #bnha fluff #hawks comfort #hawks fluff

[ladyloveandjustice]

The Westing Game Chapter 28

“And Then…”

It’s time for a WEDDING! Nope, not Angela and Denton’s wedding, thank God. It’s Otis and Crow’s wedding. I’m…going to assume he told her everything about how Westing hired him and his true identity? It would have been interesting to see her reaction to that- but it is in-character she’d forgive him pretty quickly, considering how little she thinks of herself in the first place and how much she kept hidden, she’d overlook others ‘sins’.

It’s very cute that Angela and Sydelle are the bridesmaids. I’m glad Angela ended up providing comfort to Crow.  After all, through Angela she’s presumably shown someone like Violet can live a happy life. Crow gets a “second chance” at seeing how she could have been happy. Was that Westing’s goal in introducing them?  But honestly, it could have easily gone another way. This whole experience- INCLUDING seeing that someone like her daughter didn’t have to suffer and she really could have prevented it if she’d eased up like Grace was eventually made to do- well, that could have just driven Crow deeper into her guilt and trauma. It was really down to luck that it didn’t. Alternately, things could have gone another way for Angela, where the family didn’t change, she didn’t change, and she ended up suffering. 

It’s a good thing it ended up the other way, but so much of Westing’s scheme could have had catastrophic consequences, yet he was still willing to risk it. Which does make him interesting, because he’s still a jerk in a lot of ways, just one that ended up having enough good inclinations (in his elder years), good luck and the saavy needed to pull off a good thing.

Now we get to see which way each heir decides to go with their life post-Westing.

-Her debt paid, Ford decides to use the rest of her money to help finance Chris’s education. Very heartwarming. Again, the book has a theme of marginalized people connecting, and though Ford and Chris are marginalized in different ways, its cool to see Ford recognizing Chris has struggles she can help with.

- Theo can go to college now too!

-Hoo’s inventions are selling well, and Sun feels more comfortable and at home being his business partner than she did at the restaurant, where she had to dress up and engage with people getting this theme park idea of her culture. She’s gotten closer to Doug and made friends at the apartment too.

-Sydelle returns to work, and no longer feels the need to fake illness or injuries to get attention, as her status as Westing heiress gets her plenty. She is, however, still pretending a little- basically acting like she has millions. I guess that’s an improvement. Baby steps!

-Jake has, uh, been appointed consultant of the state lottery, good for him I guess. Grace is now running her own restaurant, having taken over Hoo’s space, and is very happy. There’s definitely irony in how she tried to stifle Angela’s career prospects, only to find fulfillment in pursuing her own career. That’s internalized misogyny for ya. It’s interesting that when listing why she’s lucky she says:

[..]She was a respected restaurateur, wife of a state official and mother of the cleverest kid who ever lived. Turtle was going to be somebody someday.

Angela is…not included in her mental list. SHE’S the forgotten child for Grace now. Which after years of being controlled, Angela’s very okay with, but it still indicates that while Grace has gotten better in like, not valuing her kids based on a restrictive idea of womanhood, allowing them more freedom, etc, she’s still obsessed with status and pretty terrible. Angela is only in college, and only regular-really-smart instead of a supergenius, so she slips Grace’s mind. And with all that’s gone on between them, the relationship between mother and daughter might be irreparable. I doubt they’ll ever be close. Which is sad, but realistic. Grace sucks a little less, but she still sucks, and Angela’s doing her own thing.

-Angela doing her own thing is being back in college and saving for med school btw, and dumping Denton and any other guy trying to pick her up. Happy for her.

-Meanwhile, Alice. Implied to be playing chess with Westing a lot, still hanging with Flora a lot (aw!) and investing in the stock market. Grace is right about one thing, the kid’s going places.

-With Westing’s money, Crow and Otis upgrade their soup kitchen. Very nice. I appreciate how everyone changes for the better, but we still see nuance- people like Grace and Sydelle still have obvious faults, everyone is getting on with their lives with room to grow. And we still have two chapters! What could happen next?

#nev reads the westing game

[erectionsandtea]

OKaY GuYS, listen, I'm sorry to do this but I need to get this out bc I can't sleep bc it's bugging me so much, okay?

I want to say a few things to people who claim that mileven is fake/not in love/toxic in ST3 (and I don't mean byler/byeler fans specifically, jsyk), things that have probably been said before but I'm going to say them again anywah

Sorry in advance

1) I DON'T CARE if you think 14 year olds can't be in love. I'm not watching ST for its realism, I just want my babies to be happy

2) "mike and eleven's break up was so colorful and upbeat, so clearly they don't love each other" pREpARE tO BE TOLd

Eleven knows next to nothing about relationships, and most of what she DOES know (if not everything) she learns from max in those moments when max is convincing her to dump mike. Max tells el that she's dumped lucas like five (5) times, and he has always come crawling back. With how little el knows, she's probably thinking that's what will happen with Mike, she will dump him and he will come crawling back and all will good and whatever

"mike doesn't love el cos he didn't cry when she dumped him, also he just sits around in the basement eating cheetos and burping at lucas" while true, it could very be because MaYBE This dumping came out of NOwHERE, literally nowhere. They hadn't fought (yet), everything was fine (or so mike thinks), and then out of nowhere he just gets dumped?? Maybe he was just so shocked and confused that he wasn't registering it at first, mAYbE he was in denial, idk!!

Also I'm sure mike doesn't love el bc he doesn't spend the entire rest of the season trying to figure what he did wrong ,what's wrong with her, and trying to win her back, oh and also caring for and about her even tho they are still broken up Oh WAiT-

3) "mike doesn't love el, he loves will bc" etc, other stuff in s3 -> are we just ignoring that fact that mike is literally ignoring will a lot of the time bc he's stuck on el, I'm sorry but of our boy loved will maybe he would have stopped to play dnd with him

4) pleaSE zTOP comparing mileven's breakup to mike and Will's fight outside castle byers in the rain. They are not the same and shouldn't be compared like they are (and I am NOT saying that mike doesn't care about will at all or anything bC OFC He DoES)

5) mike literally does that cliche movie trope thing where he blurts out his feelings for el without even thinking or before he realizes what he's doing "I love her and I can't lose her again!" You can see the shock on his face after he says it, that shit isn't planned, it was spontaneous which often (THO NoT AlwayS I AdmIT) means it's true/real in tv and movies

6) "if mike loves el, why doesn't he say it back at the end of the season?"

*ahem* fIRST of all, because he already said it! SeCOnD of all, when she says it, she says "I love you too". You don't say it back to the person who is saying it back after you already said it once. It would just sound awkward. It doesn't matter that they both said it at different days/times, they can still both mean it

7) "why does mike avoid saying his feelings when el confronts him at the end?"

Picture this: you blurted out your feelings to the world, and then you find out mAYBE the person for whom you feel has heard it, but you don't know for sure, and they don't say it back. Then that person confronts you about saying it. AND you're a fuckin teenager!! You're probably going to be awkward and weird about it, and you might try to pretend you have no idea what they're talking about bc maybe if they don't feel the same way, you can just brush the whole thing off as a joke or pretend it never happened

8) "mileven's relationship is toxic/unhealthy, all they do is make out" -> they. Are. Teenagers. They're probly horny as fuck, aLSO who's to say they didn't talk and get to know each other over the MaNY mONthS separating seasons 2 and 3? You can't say, I can't say, we don't know, not to mention they did get to know each other (EVEN IF JuST A liTTLE bIT) during season 1, remember? You honestly expect me to believe that horny teens won't be all over each other at every fuckin opportunity?? Please

"well max and lucas weren't making out all the time" well max and lucas could be at a different stage of their relationship, couldn't they, they haven't know each other QUITE as long, haven't been through QUITE as much trauma together...see what I'm saying?

"neither mike or el spend any time with anyone else, their relationship is so unhealthy" um yes they do, after they break up their time together gets quite limited okay, and I will agree with you that I think they needed some of that

9) and maybe, MayBE mileven won't be endgame, okay, it is possible, but I will not sit here and pretend that the reason they are not endgame is because they don't care about and love each other

EDIT: 10) "el isn't ready for a relationship" maybe so but y'all think will is?? (Okay this one may be directed at byler/byeler)

Will basically went from pre-pubescent to puberty without properly transitioning between the two, because he was either missing, possessed, or suffering from ptsd for like two years!! And when he's finally okay (mostly), all he wants to do is pretend things are how they used to be. He's not interested in relationships or love or whatever, poor boy just wants to play dnd and not worry or think about stupid grown-up stuff

The last thing he needs (imo) is MORE drama from a relationship. What he needs is someone to just be there for him.

~

I know, I'm a bitch, byeler/byler shippers will hate me (if they don't already) or maybe everyone hates me

But

I'm just tired

You can't just claim a ship is real or not but at the sAME TIMe ignore crucial details or facts okay ? (I mean okay, I guess you can, but like why??)

I am going to bed now, of I think of anything else to say, I will add it in the morning, and I am ready for the hate

❤️

#stranger things #mileven #once again will not tag byler/byeler #im not that fuckin cruel to push it in their faces like that or something #ship who you want #im just trying to say you cant ignore details and then claim truth #also i need to rewatch s3 so lmk if i got anything wrong #❤️ #goodnight #are watching the same show i feel like we're not #st3 #me trying to counterpoint every single pro-byler argument i see lol #im terrible

[okaywitheverything]

Can I request a Kakashi x reader where Kakashi and the reader have a unspoken thing between them, like they both know how they feel about each other even through when going through different relationships but it’s just not something they’ve acted on because of ✨ninja life✨ and ✨trauma✨then one of the readers relationships starts moving too fast so kakashi finally confesses. I love your writing btw sorry I went off on a ramble it’s like 4am and I’ve had a lot of energy drinks

A/N: Thank you so much honey! I had a kakashi kick so i decided to write this, Hope you enjoy! Please show it love and I’ll be more than willing to write a second part!

 “I had a fun time too.” You lied straight through your teeth, with a smile on your face to make your statement look more convincing.

You had just returned from your sixth date with Genma, and you were the most cruel human possible for leading him on like this. Given, he was a player back in the academy and broke many hearts but he had now redeemed himself and parted with the playboy ways. Your intuition told you he was genuinely falling for you but you couldn’t reciprocate, constantly giving yourself the excuse of just one more date.

But how to give your heart to him when it already belonged to another?

He pecked your lips lightly and gazed into your eyes, then stepped back and continued, “So I was wondering if you would come back to my place for dinner next Friday?

He looked like a golden retriever yearning for its favourite toy, you didn’t know how to say no to him.

Of course, you weren’t dumb. You knew what he was hinting at. The next level of your relationship was physical intimacy. You were sure this was the longest Genma might have dated someone without indulging in uhh, lovemaking.

You knew he was trying to be patient with you, because you had never gone that far with any of

your previous relationships, third base was foreign territory to you. You knew this was a well known fact among your colleagues but you were over the initial embarrassment now.

But the question was,

Were you ready for that?

He was one of the most sought after bachelors in Konoha, alongside Izumo, Kotetsu, Kakashi-

Kakashi of course.

Kakashi was coolness personified and you were not even kidding. Almost every one wanted to either be him or be with him. Both applied to all possible genders. Even as a kid, he was a once in a millennium prodigy, the pride of ANBU during his youth, famous in every Ninja village across the world. He was a celebrity for goodness sake! He had his own horde of fangirls and fanboys alike. Kakashi had single digit failed missions in an entire record of few hundreds at least. It was almost an insult to give that skilled shinobi a mission below A rank. You both started alongside ay the academy and you were nowhere near his match. Both as an opponent and a partner. That too in both senses, as a team as well as a couple.

You were sure you were one of the many girls pining after him. Sometimes, you gave yourself false hope that even though you weren’t in the same circle at academy, he might have noticed you, crushed on you, felt the same adoration for you.

But who were you kidding? With a exquisite range of beauties lining up at his doorstep to create his progeny, where would you even stand?

“(Y/N) babe? You alright?” Genma asked snapping you out of your thoughts and you almost forgot he was standing in front of you, actually paying you some of his wanted attention and your younger self might have almost felt giddy about it, but you felt nothing but horrible. Horrible because you couldn’t return the enthusiasm and love Genma was offering to you with a pure heart. Horrible because you couldn’t find it in yourself to be brave enough and confess to someone you wanted to be with so much. Horrible because you knew, somewhere deep inside, that your favourite fantasies of love would never come true. But Genma didn’t deserve this either, he didn’t deserve to be treated this way, and the sooner you told him that, the more heartbreak you would be saving both of you from.

“Genma I have mission on Thursday, which might extend up to weeks. I’m sorry-” That was the truth. It might buy you some time as well to figure out what to say to him.

“Hey, it’s okay, not your fault doll. We’ll reschedule after maybe? That sound good?” He gave you a cheeky smile that you loved. Before any of this, you had been friends and he was a gem of a friend. Loyal, true and charismatic. You nodded a genuine smile up at him and suddenly hugged him, he was a good friend after all and you knew nothing would come in the way of that ever.

“Thank you.” You murmured in his chest and he kissed your forehead.

“Anytime.” He replied and left with a smile.

He knew you needed a friend at the moment and that was all he was being then, a good friend.

It was two nights before your mission when Genma suddenly asked you to meet him at the bar. ‘A casual hangout’ he said. But you knew that was obviously not the case.

You had dressed in a simple attire, a top and jeans, the basic only. You had thought it over the previous nights and finally reached the conclusion, you were going to tell Genma the truth. The exact conversation hadn’t played out in your head but you knew what lines to go along.

You would even tell everyone he dumped you and it would be okay if he never wanted to speak to you again cause you didn’t deserve even his friendship for being so ruthless and downright nasty.

But how would you survive without one of your true companions?

Well that was certainly your problem now, not his. Genma was immaculately kind and genuine and you were a cold bitch.

“This is clearly not working (Y/N).”

Well that wasn’t what you were expecting. You knew what he was getting at but juts so you were on the same page you dumbly asked, “What?”

He sighed and looked in your eyes, giving you a smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes.

“It’s getting kinda obvious. You do know I can read you quite well and I see there’s something you’re trying to hide, something that so clearly shows. I could tell you were moving on, well trying to at least. You gave your heart to him when we were just kids, while I gave mine to you. Funny how fate works?”

Neither of you laughed.

“But I guess this is some sort of karma. And it’s going to hurt me for a bit of time. But I’ll be okay. I can’t see you like anymore though. I really hope he appreciates all the love you have for him. And comes around soon. But stay in my life nevertheless.”

You didn’t realise when you started crying, but your face had heated up and you streams of tears tried to cool it down.

With a shaking sob, you replied, “I don’t deserve you Genma. But I Know you’ll find  another and be just fine. For your sake, I really hope you do. And Thank you.” You wrapped your arms around him while tears landed on both your shoulders.

It must have been so incredibly hard for him to do this yet he never failed to amaze you. You were proud to be a part of his life. You tilted back and looked in his glazed eyes, stood on your toes and pressed your lips to his, one last pasting kiss. There was so much emotion in it, from both sides that you knew you’d never forget this moment ever.

Genma really knew like the back of his hand, you never even said his name but both knew who you were talking about.

Kakashi always sat at the back of the bar, where he could drink his beer without the prying eyes of others trying to see his face. He rarely drank, lest he was with his friends but his heart was aching right now. He had messed up his mission yesterday because he couldn’t think straight after he saw (Y/N) looking as gorgeous as ever With her sleek (f/c) dress and cherry red lips. He might have drooled, he did actually, but gained his senses when he saw Genma accompanying her. He quickly hid, masking his chakra and looked at the happy couple. It was his fault, if anything for never acting on his feelings.

What good are your worldwide achievements if you don’t have a family to share them with?

Both his parents were taken away from him at a very young age and he had no relatives. Studying too hard, over exerting himself and being bratty became his coping mechanisms. Since his early childhood, Kakashi was very independent and self-confident, at times even appearing arrogant and condescending. Despite that, Kakashi was very perceptive and intuitive, quickly realising the situation for what it was. After his father's death, Kakashi became more stern, aloof and cold toward others, dating was never something he considered important, it didn’t even cross his mind. The only people he ever let into his life were a handful of classmates like Gai, Asuma, maybe even Kurenai to some extent but romance was out of his story, At least he thought it was.

Only know you've been high when you're feeling low Only hate the road when you're missing home Only know you love her when you let her go And you let her go

He first realised his love at some festival being celebrated in Konoha, when his bored eyes saw you all dressed up, beside your group of friends. You were laughing so wholeheartedly that even tears pooled there. He was thankful for whatever had you wheezing so hard. Sure, he always thought you were attractive, he knew how to appreciate beauty, but for some reason that laugh created a domestic picture in his head and he knew wouldn’t mind listening to it again.

That night he thought about you, like really thought about you. Reminiscing about every encounter you both had ever had, and he fell harder for you the same night. He remembered how you approached him after his father’s passing, the only person whose eyes held true sadness apart from his real friends’ circle.

He knew a lot of his admirers left him gifts at his house, expensive chocolates, cards, bouquets but he knew their intentions were never genuine. But he also remembered that among the lot, were homemade cookies and chocolates. They never had a name but he connected the dots when he found out your distant aunt had some sort of bakery. It was conformed when he saw you travelling through Konoha with several baskets in your hands, Your teen self trying to figure the addresses. He might or not have followed you. Some were your aunt’s deliveries while you brought some of them to your friends’ house and one last basket which you left at his doorstep.

You never approached him after to take credit, or with some other purpose. You didn’t even contact him in academy the next day.

He found himself wishing way too often that you did.

As much of a genius as Kakashi was, it took him way too much time, more than he’d like to admit, several years exactly, to realise the extent of his feelings. It happened when you started to date someone. It never crossed his mind why you never dated before but he wished it could go back to that. He caught you with your date kissing in a park and he swore he heard his heart break. Like really, really break. Then the intellectual finally figured out his Love.

And he knew he screwed up.

 You see her when you close your eyes Maybe one day you'll understand why Everything you touch surely dies.

 After that realization, you plagued his thoughts. He thought he would confess if your relationship ended but he was a coward. And he hated himself for it. He knew how shit his reason of losing you if he confessed was, but it was effective. The amount of close people he had lost just amplified his fear. He couldn’t afford to lose you, even if it pained his heart to admire you just from afar.

He was an exceptional ninja and his alert senses identifies your chakra as soon as you entered. Even in casual clothes, you were the prettiest thing he had ever laid eyes on. His gaze followed your short walk to the bar countertop where he found Genma and his mood turned sour. He was once again reminded of all he couldn’t have.

He observed the couple from a few feet behind his crush, and he saw you both hug suddenly. His heart broke all over again when he saw a tear roll down Genma’s cheek and you pulling Genma in a hot, steamy kiss. Though you both weren’t aware, you made quite a scene in the bar and everyone was gazing right at you both. Kakashi quickly paid for his tab and ran out, breathing heavily.

What if Genma proposed? That was a bizarre thought because he knew you’ve been dating for just over a month but Kakashi didn’t know how relationships progressed. That night found him lying awake in his bed and he came to a conclusion.

That he’d be damned if he let you get away without even trying.

A/N: Thanks for making it till the end. I hoped you liked it. Requests are open and if you don’t have any prompt, just comment which character you’d like to see more of and I’ll consider requests of that character. Please reblog and like. I’ll love you if you do.

Until next time.

[andoqin]

Sisyphus: The Myth Ep 1- A Dissection

Okay, so I’ve had some time to process what I subjected myself to today, so I’ve decided to list everything in episode 1 that is just completely insane and an example of how Not To Do it. 

I’m not an expert on Film Theory, but i’ve watched a shitton of media, plus I watch a lot of Youtube Video essays, so clearly I’m half

The episode starts off okay enough even if we get a weird exposition dump and “tense” parting scene between a father and daughter. 

We start in what presumably is the time travel terminal where people stand around in pyjamas waiting to get through.

Okay, fairly interesting if unspectacular but I’m guessing that’s the point, this is now an industry. We zoom in and get this line that made me laugh, because well...

a) humans are living creatures and b) the amount of microbial organisms on human skin is estimated to be at hundreds of billions, or more. And this kind of time travel/teleportation is always hinky because well if you think about it, how does that even work without getting into The Fly territory. I’m willing to cut this drama some slack here and maybe it’s an awkward translation besides. 

This gets... exceedingly long, but if you want a (too) in-depth summary of what happens in ep 1 and why it doesn’t work (for me) read on :D.

But then the real trouble starts, because PSH’s dad (I’m not bothering to learn the character names) says he’s not going with her and this is apparently very sudden. He then makes her repeat some lines that are supposed to create tension? Be exposition? Idk.

“Don’t trust anyone.” 

“Don’t get involved with [CSW]’s character.”

PSH get’s teary eyed, because her dad is not coming with her, but the problem with scenes like these is: I don’t know either of them and do not have an emotional connection to their parting. Sure, it tells us something about PSH (she likes her dad and is worried about him) but I also don’t know how important her dad is going to be down the line. So when PSH asks about her mom and what if her mom dies and her dad just replies everyone dies at some point I’m a bit weirded out, but not to the point where I necessarily want to know more. 

We then smashcut to PSH waking up in a world that’s more similar to ours and she does what her dad told her to do. She grabs her (very inconvenient) suitcase and runs along the tracks she woke up next to. We see that she is somewhat surprised by the running trains and also hardy enough to track on despite bleeding feet. 

Alas, creepy people in gas-masks with guns and drones are waiting for her, so she runs even harder and after some near misses (they are able to track her by some sort of radiation meter) makes it to safety. 

On top of a train car that the TWO DOZEN PEOPLE WITH GUNS AND DRONES are too stupid to check apparently. Clearly if she’s not under the train car, the detecting devices must be mistaken. So she just chills on top of the train car, sitting on her suitcase and those goons trundle off after 5 minutes presumably like they’re Assassin’s Creed Enemy NPCs.

Now we get introduced to CSW in the most insane scene i’ve ever witnessed. Honestly. 

He is just ~chilling in 1st class in an airplane, filming a douche who is rude to the plane staff and epically owning him because he’s So Smart.

First of all, I don’t know what that has to do with soggy noodles(which the other asshole complained about), since by that measure the noodles should be *undercooked* (lower boiling point means longer cooking time after all) and secondly good lord I already hate this guy. He then proceeds to Epically Own (tm) with a convenient Forbes (sorry “Eorbes”) Magazine that he is on the cover of and flirts with the plane hostess. 

So right off the bat, our impressions of CSW are supposed to be: He’s Cool (look at his hoodie and general bearing), he’s Smart (debatable), he’s nice to The Help (I guess???) stands up to bullies, and most importantly he’s fucking rich. I guess we’re also supposed to get the impression that he’s arrogant, maybe a bit of an asshole, but still cool and everything. 

If this had been where the scene had stopped I would have rolled my eyes and then just continued on watching. But no, the writers thought: “Schooling some sexist rich asshole isn’t enough to show off how Cool and Smart and Cocky our main character is. Also he likes the ladies.” Look at him, he’s Tony Stark only from South Korea!!!

So shortly after he sits down, and we have the first moment with CSW where he connected with me emotionally (he sees the ghost of his dead brother and the way he says “because ... you’re dead.” and I thought OOOH this I can work with), the cockpit windshield is hit by what looks to be a suitcase (DUN DUN DUUUN) and something crashes into one of the engines, causing it to explode and catch fire. 

The pilot is knocked out and unconscious and even the co-pilot loses consciousness (after conveniently unlocking the cockpit lock). CSW is the only one who goes to check on the pilots, having grabbed a fanny pack from his onboard luggage and quickly assessing the situation he revives the copilot and welds the hole in the windshield shut with some ducttape out of his fannypack and a plastic notepad. IT’S VERY EFFECTIVE! They did it in WW2, or so CSW tells us so you know it’s true.

I’m not sure that ‘s how plane windshields and duct tape and plastic notepad thingies work, but well the plane is still in freefall we have more important things to worry about :).

The electrics are all on the fritz, the copilot cannot get control of the plane and so CSW takes a seat in the captains chair (having foisted the captain out of it, not even he is so crass to sit on some unconscious dude’s lap i guess) and quickly calculates that they have 3 min and 30 secs for CSW to restart the electronics before the plane crashes. So he hands the co-pilot HIS PHONE with a timer on it for 3.5 minutes so the co-pilot can tell him when 30 seconds have passed. Instead of idk, contacting Air Traffic Control or ANYONE he just sits there and lets his big boy brain work. 

After 30 seconds he has an idea, because he’s Tony Stark-ing it up like crazy now and can just figure out the electronics of a plane cockpit in 30 seconds, but guess what. HIS PHONE RINGS. AND HE ANSWERS IT, because he’s devil-may-care and “haha look at this, friend, i’m in the cockpit of a crashing plane we have 2 minutes before i’m dead.”

Said friend is calling him from the board meeting of CSWs company, bc of course the board is ~unhappy with CSWs antics (I gotta say I can’t blame them) and the friend doesn’t believe it at first, when he says he’s in a crashing plane, but checks on the news to see it’s true. 

I ... I don’t think news work like that, we’ve gone 5 minutes from the initial troubles till now, there won’t be news reports all over the media yet. THEY’RE NOT EVEN TALKING TO AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL YET. Hell he even tells his friend to call 119 or the airport for help. I just... I’m very forgiving of a lot of things in a drama when it comes to writing. I’m willing to ignore obvious blindspots in a narrative, if I think the narrative is strong enough to support whatever it’s trying to say. At this point what could calling the police or the airport do, they have like 90 seconds left...

I don’t know what the writers are trying to tell me with this scene though? It’s so stupid, so unrealistic and CSW is so unpleasant and weird in it, because he tells his friend that he has to confess to taking out the friend’s college girlfriend on a date while they were still together. 

Well since the drama is longer than one ep, they do make it out alive, but the fact that the co-pilot managed to safely LAND the plane (which is insane to me) gets skipped over and we just get news snippets that herald CSW as a hero who singlehandedly saved the planes passengers. 

We then get to see him in his natural habitat “convalescing” in his giant apartment where he is being showered with gifts by worshippers basically. He continues to be an asshole, but his friend tells him, one more stunt and the board will kick him. 

The board will kick the guy who just saved a plane full of lives????? Yeah right, I’m sorry but that’s just fucking stupid from the writers. Why would anyone do that, even if the board hates him, kicking him now, when he’s literally a national hero would be the worst thing they could do for the stock prices. It’s only here so the writers can shoehorn in that CSW is close to OD-ing on pharmaceuticals and that the board wants to monitor his therapy and they have a way of “forcing” him to comply. 

Also he has what looks to be a dental x-ray machine next to his bed. Someone correct me if I’m wrong but lol what’s up with these set design choices. 

His friend tells him to go to fucking therapy or else and the next scene he is actually at a therapist. 

Who’s his ex-girlfriend (they have a whole tangent about that).

Who writes a report about his therapy to the board. 

But hey at least the therapy gets us a flashback of the last time he saw his brother. Big surprise he was an asshole to him as well, so no wonder he’s traumatised by that.

After therapy he *conveniently* runs into the co-pilot who’s incoherent and beaten up and hands CSW a usb-drive. It contains video of the cockpit on the day of the crash and it’s obvious what struck the plane was a suitcase and what crashed into the engine was a human being (DUN DUN DUUUUUUN maybe someone forgot to convert feet to meters when setting up the time travel thingamabob).

As he looks at the (very pixelated) figure of the person about to crash into the engine, he suddenly sees his brother’s face and honestly this scene just made me laugh? I know it’s supposed to be haunting and more evidence of CSW’s deep trauma, but I guess at this point my brain was just completely checked out. 

And that’s what we end our introductory phase of CSW. What the fuck was that plane thing even for. To show us he’s callous in the face of danger? He’s an asshole even when he’s about to die, so he’s got a long way to go? He’s haunted by the spectre of his dead brother and the guilt he feels for not being there when he died? I got a lot of that before we had the insane Plane Adventure!!! There are literally millions of ways they could have gotten this information to the viewers and not made an absurd spectacle of the plot that means that everything afterwards just feels lame, because you already had the insanity that was this plane ride, so it can only go down tension wise.

Now we’re back to PSH, but honestly her parts are kinda boring and bog-standard “UwU I’m unfamiliar with this way of life, I don’t even know how to eat a banana (that looks *nothing* like a banana btw), so I just eat it peel and root and all. Also I’m from the Future, that means I obviously know todays LOTTERY NUMBERS.”

I know kdramas like clichés and tropes, I like them too, that’s why I watch kdramas, but you gotta give me a bit more if you want me to at least invest in PSH, because I’m sure as hell not invested in CSW. 

She gets taken in by some guy, because we can’t have her homeless all the time, and she needs someone to explain this world to her and also how to eat bananas properly and she opens her suitcase. It’s got both future-tech-y looking stuff and a pink notepad that seems to hold specific information on what needs to happen on certain days. 

She also makes this expression and I don’t know if we’re supposed to laugh because she’s not threatening or if we’re supposed to laugh because she’s not threatening, but we know she’s gonna kick ass later, haha you just thought she was harmless. I gotta say it’s the former for me.

Rarrr fierce Elite Warrior PSH coming to get you.

She tries to get in touch with CSW, already breaking one of her dad’s three commandments. Oh, I guess staying with this guy breaks the other two. Welp, so much for that then. What even was the point of that first scene...

Anyway she tries to get in touch with CSW but ofc you cant just call the richest person ever (Elon Musk and Jeff Bezos would get very angry voicemails from me if that were the case), but she manages to get his voicemail. Or a voicemail he spoke for. But oh no, she is just Not Familiar with this world and keeps having a conversation with the voicemail as if it’s CSW himself. 

CSW who has scienced his way to finding the suitcase that crashed the plane and as she begs his voicemail not to open the suitcase, of course he opens it and gasp the combination for the suitcase lock is his birthday!!! Something his brother used to do!!! 

MAYBE THAT MAN WAS HIS BROTHER AFTER ALL!!!! OH NO!! 

But thank fuck the episode is over now.

VERDICT:

Just no. Don’t do this. The latter half of the show is more standard fare, but the first 25 minutes destroy any capability of this show making sense. I can see what the writers are trying to do, but it’s so hamfisted and badly written I’m just not willing to go along.

If you want a show that also has a fantasy action aspect (and this show is all fantasy no matter how much it tries to science it up), watch LUCA instead. That show at least knows how to set a tone, how to get us invested in the characters and does exposition in a way that doesn’t feel obtrusive. 

#sisyphus: the myth #sisyphus #I RANT #FOR WAY TOO LONG #kdrama

[daylighteclipsed]

“This is another reason most of future lost rights” May we hear your thoughts?

Now that I have officially finished watching the original Steven Universe series, I have many Thoughts about the continuation. Prepare for some detailed salty takes.

-- My biggest gripe is that Garnet, Pearl, and Amethyst lose pretty much all of the emotional intelligence they gain in the original series to maximize Steven’s suffering.

So like the gifset that prompted this ask for example, where Garnet realizes she’s hurt Steven with her future vision and apologizes? Makes her reaction in Future to realizing she hurt Steven again OOC. The OG series also teaches us and Steven that Garnet can’t see definites, because there’s so many possibilities, and the future’s always changing, and the future can always be changed. So her line about how there was no universe where Steven didn’t propose to Connie as her reason for why she didn’t try to stop him, is bullshit.

The Volleyball episode gives away that Steven is clearly not OK, and Pearl does nothing about it. Neurotic, mother hen, let’s make a plan Pearl does not ask Steven if he’s alright and makes 0 plans to train him to control his new alarming powers. Pearl, who now has a better sense of how trauma works because she has it herself, who we have seen in the OG series suspect Steven is dealing with some post traumatic stress after being taken to Homeworld and reach out to him about it, does not in Future reach out to him after he expresses blatant distress over having to deal with more of his mom’s problems. I’m supposed to believe this? Seriously?

And Amethyst? I think she’s the most obvious offender since a big part of her arc in the end of the OG series is emotional maturity.There’s a whole episode dedicated to her putting Steven’s feelings first. Acknowledging the pressure he’s been under and the shit that’s been dumped on him for years and the horror of finding out Rose was a Diamond which makes him a Diamond and recognizing that he’s not OK. He can’t be. Learning that Steven deals by distracting himself with other tasks and people. But sure when Amethyst notices Steven throwing himself into his work in Future, her response is just “When did you become such a prick?” Yeah. Totally sounds right.

There is a whole arc about these two emotionally connecting through their insecurities and the strength they find in having each other to relate to and rely on and confide in. It is one of my favorites in the entire story. And it is totally thrown out a window in Future. If no one else you’d think at least Amethyst would reach out to Steven in Future before he spirals, but no.

Literally it’s like the entire Gem trio’s emotionally sent back to square 1 and their perception’s lowered to 0, which is lower than it was to begin with, because it was the only way Future could work. Seriously, after Prickly Pair nobody tries to talk to Steven? Nobody insists they need to talk about what the fuck just happened? Nobody goes after Steven when he runs away, twice?! Once after crashing the van with his dad inside, in which he disappears for 3 whole days. Another time after talking about how they can’t help him anymore, which is really alarming! Then they all just let Steven go when he returns from Homeworld glowing with Diamond pupils?! are you kidding me, are you fUcking KidDing me am I supposed to believe they’re even his friends in Future what the fuck I hate this 

-- And framing everything like the Gems have never been there for Steven? Hate that too. There’s countless episodes in the OG series proving that’s not true. Steven himself says it’s not. At one point that’s what keeps him from literally falling from the sky.

“I just need something that makes me happy, something I can always depend on to cheer me up. My guys. They spent all night out here just to keep me company. No matter how much I mess up they’ll be there to help me.”

It’s the biggest reason why the Gems are foils to the Diamonds!

“Remember back when I was little and maybe kind of annoying, and I couldn’t come along on adventures? You guys would still drop everything to hang out with me.”

Garnet, Pearl, and Amethyst begin kind of oblivious and inattentive, but they don’t stay that way. They are always learning, and apologizing, and changing when they realize their behavior is harmful. To themselves, to the team as a whole, to strangers, to Steven. They do very early in the series start setting work aside to spend time with him. Together breakfast (which ends up meaning so much to Garnet that it becomes her wedding cake), mini golf, cards, board games, movies, the arcade, the amusement park. They’re Steven’s band in beach-a-palooza. They become, not only better caretakers, but his friends.

A team. For the main Crystal Gem quartet so much of the show is about them learning to become a team by learning to understand each other and helping each other grow, leading to a stunning display of teamwork in the finale with Garnet, Pearl, Amethyst, and Steven all fusing together into one kickass warrior, Obsidian. It’s so perfect that this didn’t, couldn’t, happen until the end, after all that development. It’s so satisfying.

-- Like I mentioned before, there’s no reason why the Gems, including the others like Peridot, Lapis, and Bismuth, wouldn’t try to help Steven learn to control his new powers in Future.

-- A lot of the, uh, conflicts Steven faces in Future also feel ignorant to the OG series.

Steven in future: i just feel like i can’t make mistakes in front of you guys and cant be honest cause its mean and i have to be nice and perfect :(

Steven in og series: oh geez I really messed up sorry guys; [feels like the worst Crystal Gem cause he’s always fucking up]; (Garnet: You’re making Pearl very upset) “IM very upset!“; “What Rose wanted--ARGH! What about what I want?! I’m sick of you always lying to me!”; “Home’s been awful! Here’s been awful! Everyone’s been acting awful too!”

Steven in future: idk how to be a friend to someone who’s not a miserable sad sack with no direction in life

Connie: hey what the fuck

What was the point of all the townie episodes if we’re going to act like Steven never connected with the human part of his life why would the og show bounce between gem eps and human eps if not to show how Steven connects with both worlds ad’g;ajfgjfagjLAFKJS

Steven in future: why didn’t my meddling advice work? this has never happened before. am i losing my touch. who am i

Og Steven, multiple times: aaAAAAAH I SHOULD NOT HAVE MEDDLED AND PUSHED I MADE THINGS WORSE

- Why wasn’t Mindful Education revisited? Steven’s a fusion technically, right, so if he’s feeling, you know, deeply conflicted about his 2 halves, doesn’t that mean he’s out of harmony? There’s a way for 2 halves of a fusion to communicate through meditation and address what’s causing the imbalance, but I guess that would’ve solved Steven’s problem too easily. That’s the only reason Connie’s kept out of Future for so long too, right? Ugh. Never mind the fact that Mindful Ed taught Steven that it’s really important to face upsetting thoughts and feelings and traumas before they tear him apart. But whatever! what ever

- God this isn’t even half of the issues I now have with Future, but I don’t want this post to be 8 miles longer than it already is. Basically I feel like Future does a disservice to the characters and story being told in the original series, which I am very fond of now. It reminds me of an OOC fanfiction. It leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

I really do not want to argue about this. It’s just my opinion. I’m kind of venting. If you agree, great. If you don’t, please keep scrolling. Thanks.

#this is very salty im sorry #and long #negativity #// #su #crystal gems #steven

[prettyboysdontlookatexplosions]

songs on taylor swift’s LOVER (2019), a concept album about eliot waugh and quentin coldwater from SYFY’s the magicians, rated by how much they are about eliot waugh and quentin coldwater from SYFY’s the magicians

i forgot that you existed - lmao these dummies will never be over each other. bumped a bit because it would be good on the soundtrack for the fic i still kinda want someone to write where eliot gets brainwashed by the dark king who for god’s sake is not trying to bring back to life his beloved who died because of homophobia and gets catfished by his dead brother but is just a supernatural evil despot manipulating eliot’s pain and erasing his memories of quentin only to be defeated of course by the power of true love. weak showing to start but things quickly improve. 2/10

cruel summer - this is a song about being out of your mind with horniness for someone you would rather die than admit you’ve caught feelings for, which is.... VERY queliot. love eliot watching quentin at a hotel vending machine at night and insisting to himself, “i’m not dying.” good for a non-beast AU where quentin dates alice and eliot dates some non-possessed normie boy and they both get dumped finals week and get obliteratingly drunk in the physical kids’ cottage as bros and hook up and wake up like “LOL haha rebound sex” and then it happens again and they’re like, sure, you know, why not, you’re heartbroken, i’m heartbroken, let’s help each other forget about it by fucking like rabbits, except of course by august eliot is drunk in the back of the car crying like a baby coming home from the bar because he is not fine about all the times he has told quentin it’s fine. ALTERNATELY this is actually just quentin in the mosaic timeline after they hook up and he wakes up in the morning totally ready to talk about how they’re dating now and eliot is like LET’S NOT OVERTHINK THINGS and quentin’s like, haha yeah ok! and they keep having mindblowing outdoor sex but like as bros and quentin regrets every waking moment agreeing to pretend not to overthink things with his best friend who is amazing in bed and who also he is definitely falling in love with. “breakable heaven” is a good description of the mosaic timeline, because many pieces and because it broke by never happening. bonus point because “i love you, ain’t that the worse thing you ever heard?” is SO eliot and also SO quentin in related but distinct ways. 8/10

lover - UGH!!!! SO QUELIOT!!!! “have i known you twenty seconds or twenty years” vs. “i bond fast, time is an illusion.” “can i go where you go” for two people who have been thrown together and torn apart so many times is wildly romantic. “my heart’s been borrowed and your heart’s been blue” = i dated a possessed guy and then became a possessed guy and you are chronically depressed. “you’ll save all your dirtiest jokes for me” is all about eliot’s smirks. i ALREADY have feelings about taylor swift, a human being who spent most of her adult life ruled by the lingering wounds of having been uncool in eighth grade, putting in her big sweet love song the line, “and at every table i’ll save you a seat,” but i have SO MANY MORE feelings when i apply that to quentin coldwater, who ate lunch in the bathroom on days that julia was absent because of the horror of finding somewhere to sit in the high school cafeteria. 9/10

the man - margo says she hates this song because it’s white feminism but whenever she gets drunk at karaoke she makes quentin sing it with her. he always flips his hair on “i’d be just like leo in st tropez,” because he is the only other person besides taylor swift in america uncool enough to think that’s still a reference that conjures up associations of a sexy awesome playboy. 3/10

the archer - FUCKING!!!!!!!!!!! GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!! this is... ok. ok. i’m calm. this is the eliot song of all time. “i’m ready for combat / i say i don’t want that / but what if i do” is about eliot’s reactivity and his fear that on some level he wants to blow everything up more than he wants to be loved. we don’t know what started the fight we see in the mosaic timeline but what we glimpse is very “cruelty wins in the movies”: this impulse to win by pushing the other person away to avoid your own vulnerability. “i’ve got a hundred thrown out speeches i almost said to you” is eliot unpossessed after quentin is alive but before he and alice have broken up thinking about all the apologetic true love confessions he made charlton watch him rehearse. “i search for your dark side / but what if i’m alright right right right here” is about refusing to believe in good things because they are so threatening when your formative experiences of love and family were so unsafe. “i cut off my nose just to spite my face / and i hate my reflection for years and years” is, quite literally, just the exact plot of 4x05. “i wake in the night / i pace like a ghost / the room is on fire / invisible smoke” is more A+ abandonment issues content, and i can’t even TALK about “all of my heroes die all alone” in the context of eliot waugh who FULLY has on MANY occasions raised a toast to living fast dying young and leaving a beautiful corpse and has never himself been wholly sure exactly how much he was kidding. “all the king’s horses and all the king’s men / couldn’t put me together again / cuz all of my enemies started out friends” is first of all a very funny thing for a former high king of fillory to say, and second upsetting because MOSAIC, PIECES, MINOR MENDINGS, ELIOT SEES HIMSELF AS A BROKEN THING, and third devastating because of how much of the Trauma Chalkboard involves times eliot has betrayed other people. ok FINE we can start talking about the refrains now, even though they CAUSE ME THE MOST PAIN. “help me hold on to you” is the subtext of every post-4x13 queliot fic for the very good reason that it’s the most vulnerable and beautiful and real thing eliot could ever say. “i’ve been the archer / i’ve been the prey” is again about eliot as a person full of regret for all the ways he has lashed out in his life against people other than the ones who wounded him so deeply. “screaming who could ever leave me darling / but who could stay” is sooooo eliot, with the drama and affect of it all (“darling!”), and the performed belief in his own excellence combined with his deep insecurity. “they see right through me” is about how he’s secretly afraid everyone can smell on him that he grew up on a farm in indiana, “can you see right through me” is about both fearing and hoping that quentin will see all of him, “i see right through me” is about how hard he’s lied to himself about wanting love. the best song in the world probably. 20/10.

i think he knows - my favorite thing about adult taylor swift referencing anything about adolescence is that taylor swift had a totally deranged abnormal adolescence because she spent the whole thing first trying to be famous and then actually being outrageously famous. so i love it when she says “it’s like i’m 17 nobody understands,” because when she was actually 17 she was dating a jonas brother for like 3 months and then writing break-up songs that made it sound like she was never that into it, so it’s like this idea of being 17 and hormonal in some kind of normal context where you actually are thinking about sex all day instead of meeting with your branding team. this is a fun idea to extrapolate to eliot & quentin, who were both miserable at 17 and never got the experience of devoting your brain full-time to all-consuming horniness for the first person to ever give you an orgasm, but who can now experience that with each other. also “his hands around a cold glass make me wanna know that body like it’s mine” is a queliot line because of my very strong personal headcanon that eliot is obsessed with quentin’s hands. 6/10

miss americana and the heartbreak prince - see above re: tswift & teenhood. "when i was 16 / lost in a film scene” is even better because actual teen taylor swift spent many hours of her life literally acting out on film these like pathologically normative high school scenarios that she never lived because she dropped out after ninth grade, and because this song is all about like, image vs reality but is also itself a fantasy? fucked up and weird, i love it. taylor swift spent so many years portraying her specific teen shame as being about her deep dweebery and i think it’s really funny that in this song she is still an outcast but now it is because she is like, too sexy and misbehaving, both through the line “they whisper in the hallways she’s a bad bad girl” and by setting it to basically a lana del rey track. i feel like this is a very eliot move, to rewrite your own history of exclusion as more glamorous and flattering than it was, to portray yourself as like this debauched rebel instead of a sad gay kid in a homophobic environment. eliot obviously was never enamored with this kind of stock teen americana imagery the way taylor was, but i think he has that same tension of deeply resenting one image while being very drawn to another one. extra point because “heartbreak prince” is such a hilarious and amazing way to describe quentin. 7/10

paper rings - good song for a very chill no-beast AU. “i like fancy things but i’d marry you with paper rings” is very eliot. it’s cute to imagine eliot reading all of the books besides quentin’s bed not because he likes them but because he wants to get to know quentin better. “i want your dreary mondays” is a nice thing for either of these dudes to hear. 5/10

cornelia street - all songs about being overwhelmed and terrified by love are about eliot waugh!!!!! especially songs where someone does something casually that is clearly not casual at all. it rules that both of the key metaphors in the verses are extremely quentin images: fresh page on the desk / card sharks playing games. stories and magic! thinking about eliot and quentin barefoot in a kitchen together makes me want to cry, for normal reasons. 8/10

death by a thousand cuts - i have to be honest, for a long time i thought it sucked that the best song on this album was actually not about queliot, but then i saw the light and realized that this is a song about how totally incomprehensible it is that you’re supposed to just move on with your life when someone you loved absolutely is no longer yours, so ACTUALLY, this song is totally about quentin after the mosaic! “i ask the traffic lights if it’ll be alright / they say i don’t know.” trying to be normal while secretly dying inside. “i look through the windows of this love, even though we boarded them up / chandelier’s still flickering here” = i said it was chill when you compartmentalized our 50 years as soulmates as something that happened to other people but actually the me i am right now wants you real bad! “what once was ours is no one’s now” because it happened in an alternate timeline that never existed. “you said it was a great love / one for the ages / but if the story’s over / why am i still writing pages” = you said it was kind of beautiful but also that wasn’t really me but if so then why do i want to bone you so bad. gets even more fucked up if you extend it properly into season 4. MY HEART MY HIPS MY BODY MY LOVE / TRYING TO FIND A PART OF ME THAT YOU DIDN’T TOUCH: a line i can only ever type in all-caps and about which i can say nothing because it is perfect. “gave up on me like i was a bad drug” is also very quentin reflecting bitterly on eliot. saying goodbye to your possessed ex is death by a thousand cuts because that’s how many times the monster sockpuppeting his body is going to randomly show up in your apartment covered in blood. the morning comes and you’re not my baby, because you have been possessed. flashbacks waking me up because i have PTSD now from watching your body murder like 80 people.  8/10

london boy - lmao. no 0/10

soon you’ll get better - I Feel Weird Jokingly Assigning A Rating To Taylor Swift’s Very Sad Song About How Taylor Swift’s Actual Mom Has Actual Cancer Based On How Much It Relates To A Fictional Couple In Which One Person Has A Parent Who Dies Of Cancer So I’m Going To Rate This Not Applicable. N/A. great song tho

false god - jesus, does she really go london boy / soon you’ll get better / false god? her sequencing is so deranged. anyway i know i was JUST talking about my interest in fic where quentin and eliot get together but don’t necessarily talk out every single one of their 800 issues in the timespan covered by the story, but this song about make-up sex is still not very queliot to me, possibly because i cannot get past the dorkiness of taylor swift calling herself new york city. “you can't talk to me when I'm like this / daring you to leave me just so I can try and scare you” is pretty good though. “if you want to live your life live it here...” damn eliot waugh and taylor swift really are like the same person on the level of psychological architecture. i know i keep saying it but it keeps freaking me out. 4/10

you should calm down - eliot unfollowed jonathan van ness on twitter after the video for this came out. he unfollowed antoni too but then refollowed him because he’s hot.  -1000000/10.

afterglow - so THIS song about fighting actually DOES have very queliot vibes. and it’s funny, because i keep talking about eliot’s fear of lashing out and hurtfully pushing away people he loves, and i think he does have that impulse (”if you want to live your life live it here...” what did you MEAN eliot), and i also think he’s SUPER afraid of that within himself, partly because of how the dynamics of his childhood make anger and conflict really fraught for him... but actually the character we more often see being a huge dick because of his own issues is, in fact, quentin, and that is who this song about. we all know i am obsessed with the scene where quentin comes sheepishly back to alice apologizing for being an asshole because it’s so vulnerable and honest and such a powerful moment of growth for him... as robbed as i feel of like tearfully joyful queliot reunions i also feel robbed that we never got to see quentin and eliot have a moment like that together! 7/10

me! - absolutely not. -30/10

it’s nice to have a friend - i like this song but the way taylor talks about it always makes me kind of sad, because she draws this equivalence between being excited about a friend as a kid and being excited about romance as an adult that really does make it sound like she thinks in adulthood romance takes over a place that friendship used to occupy, instead of co-existing with it... but she’s also talked a lot about the importance of finding who her real friends are so idk maybe i’m being too hard on her and also oversensitive because of certain plot developments. “call my bluff / call you babe” is cute. card sharks! pet names! 5/10

daylight - R U KIDDING ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE QUELIOT ANTHEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! two people who have been hurt and hurt others, who have spent a long time running away from their own hearts, who have been confused about what they want... “i wounded the good and i trusted the wicked / clearing the air i breathed in the smoke” about every mistake and regret and fuck-up... “maybe you ran with the wolves and refused to settle down / maybe i’ve stormed out of every single room in this town”... the trauma chalkboard, the fight outside the hedge bar... the people you become to try to erase the person you’re afraid you are... and then! “throw out our cloaks and our daggers because it’s morning now / it’s brighter now”... to find peace in the person you never need to hide yourself from... the transformative power of letting yourself be seen... “i can still see it all in my mind / all of you all of me intertwined”... i can still remember this other life that never happened which matters not because it’s where i fell in love with you but because it’s where i revealed my whole self and learned that whole self could be loved.... and of course above all most crucially, “i once believed love would be burning red / but it’s golden / like daylight”... the very beautiful story the magicians accidentally almost told was a story about letting go of the narratives you’ve been taught to want and realizing that as much as real life and hard and scary it is also lovelier than any of those wan old stories... “i wanna be defined by the things that i love, not the things that i hate, or the things that i’m afraid of”... please!!!!!!! 100000000000000/10

#the magicians #queliot #we're doing. great. just. just having fun normal times qreating quarantine qontent #no readmores we alienate our followers like men #if u can't handle me at my Completely Fucking Losing My Entire Mind About Something Fully Unhinged #this is not the blog for u my friend

[ruffiorocks]

Kara needs to decide who she actually is, hopefully through therapy.

Lots of people are talking about Lena needing therapy but what about Kara? No I don't mean for the trauma of losing her planet, that's a given.

No I'm talking about her 3 personalities.

There's Kara Danvers, the woman she was told she had to be the by the Danvers. Working at Cat Co was just so she could be useful, she suddenly wants to do the same job as Clark?? She isn't the human Kara Danvers. The whole, clumsy, nonsense she copies from Clark isn't her at all. She was taught to blend in so that's what she does. She even told Lena that she kept 'pretending'. Who is she when she goes to Lena outside of Supergirl? Why she's Kara Danvers, so is Kara Danvers even real?

Then there's Supergirl, Kara is completely different as Supergirl. Confident, authoritative, bit of an arsehole at times, need to be obeyed, takes on authority she doesn't actually have, she even treats Lena differently as Supergirl. Even before their argument she landed on her balcony with Clark and looked her nose down at Lena. There's the Super Pose and the crossing of the arms she does, is this Kara? Or is it just a persona since she doesn't do this as Kara Danvers. She lost her s**t with Lena as Supergirl knowing that's her best friend as Kara, but she seems to forget she's Kara Danvers here and only Supergirl.

Then there's Kara Zor El, the one person she was taught to suppress for years. Kara Zor El only resurfaced for Kara really when she became Supergirl and not really all that much. Kara Zor El isn't Kara Danvers, and she isn't Supergirl. Think of when Kara went to Argo, she wasn't Kara Danvers there and she wasn't Supergirl.

Kara was never allowed to be Kara Zor El, the little girl who lost her planet and culture. She was told to be quiet about it, never tell anyone. The one person who she could have been that person with dumped her with humans the moment he met her and as well meaning as they were they forced her to be Kara Danvers instead.

Remember when Kara told Winn her secret? "Most of my life I've run from it, but last night I embraced who I really am and I don't want to stop'. She wasn't talking about Kara Danvers.

We have seen Kara jump from Kara Danvers, to Kara Zor El to Supergirl all in one episode at times.

This is the issue I have with Kara being besties with Lena as Kara Danvers but then an authoritative Supergirl with her at other times. Kara seems to immediately switch personalities depending on the situation and who she is with.

Clark Kent is different. Clark was never Kal El, he just knows that was his birth name. But he was raised as Clark Kent, that's who he is. Superman is the lie or rather the disguise not Clark Kent. Kara tries to be Kara Zor El with Clark and he shows some interest but we don't see a lot of this.

Kara doesnt seem to know what personality to use.

This is why I think she was Jekyll and Hyde with Lena. For arguments sake let's say she was justified to be an ass to Lena as Supergirl, is it normal then to go back as Kara Danvers and act like nothing happened at all? Listening to Lena rant about Supergirl? No it really isn't.

Kara is being three different people and it's not normal or healthy.

Lena knows Supergirl, and she thinks she knows Kara Danvers but has she ever even met Kara Zor El?

Lena has always been Lena Luthor to Kara, she's never changed her personality. Even when you think she's done wrong she's never gone to Kara pretending to be someone called 'Tess Mercer'.

This is why Lena and Kara's "friendship" can't be the way it was before. Because to a point it was never 100%, real. Was it real to Lena? Well Lena loves Kara Danvers, but that is only 1/3 of who Kara is, Kara Danvers is the disguise. Lena knows Supergirl but she's seen several sides to her, they aren't friends and never have been, they work together and saves eachothers lives and have had mutual respect until they didn't, that's not Kara to Lena.

Lena has never met Kara Zor El, she's probably the only one out of the Superfriends that has never really gotten a glimpse of her, save for the time she saw Supergirl with her mother.

The only people who have ever really seen all of Kara are Alex Danvers, Jonn and yes Mon El.

Alex grew up with Kara Zor El and watched and taught her to be Kara Danvers. But Kara is comfortable with Alex to be Kara Zor El at times because Alex knows everything about her anyway. James and Winn have never really seen Kara Zor El. They know Kara Danvers and Supergirl, but they don't get the Supergirl 'persona' Kara is still Kara Danvers with them in the suit. Whereas someone who knows Kara Danvers, say Franklyn would not recognise the persona she uses as Supergirl.

Mon El to a point was good because Kara could be Kara Zor El with him. She met him as Supergirl but bonded over being from sister planets, so he knew Kara Zor El immediately. Mon El saw Kara Danvers but he already knew the other sides to her and didn't understand Kara Danvers, the downside to this was Mon El didn't repay the favour, he came to Kara as a palace guard, not the Prince she already stated she wasn't a fan of. He may have come to her as Mon El the palace guard, but he still had the personality of the spoilt Daxam Prince. Kara felt she had to change him and she tried to make him like her and into Mike Matthews even down to making him work with her and she even dressed him like her, which was the same as Clark Kent, basically what would have happened had she succeeded is the same thing she's been forced to do. Mon El would have been secret Daxam Prince, old palace guard, Mon El the Super hero and also Mike Matthews all with the personality of spoilt Daxam Prince. It's not good.

Even when he came back he was different, gone was the Daxam Prince, which was good, but it was also who he was, gone was Mike Matthews, (save that one time) gone was the selfish 'hero' he tried to be and in his place was Valor an actual super hero but one that still had flaws. But Mon El was only one person when he came back, though he did struggle.

Kara can be Kara Zor El with Jonn as well because he understands the loss of her planet and he understands having to assimilate and pretend to be human.

No before anyone says it, Nia doesn't count. Nia was born on Earth, Kara came out as Supergirl to her, but Nia hasn't really seen Kara Zor El. Only Kara Danvers and Supergirl.

Kara needs to know who she actually she is. When her planet died Kara Zor El died for a time and Kara Danvers was born , when Supergirl came out Kara changed again and suddenly Kara Zor El was back, Supergirl was in there and so was Kara Danvers. When Mon El left Kara suddenly declared she was no longer Kara Danvers, that Kara Danvers sucked and she was a mistake. This says that Kara Danvers is someone Kara can drop whenever, so she isn't real. So who even was she at that time? This implies that Kara's whole personality was dependant on Mon El, but she was all these people before he even showed up.

Kara tells Lena she lied because she could be just Kara with her. But she never was 'just Kara' because 'just Kara' doesn't exist. She's either Kara Danvers, Kara Zor El or Supergirl. Kara can say she could be just Kara with Lena but it's not true, because Kara Danvers is a persona, a lie. Lena never got all of Kara, only a small fraction of her, because Kara never shared the important parts of her life with Lena and constantly lied. So that statement confuses me. It seems what Kara really wanted was just someone she didn't have to be Supergirl with, but that doesn't mean she can be 'just Kara'.

So I want Kara to have therapy to reconcile these personalities within herself so she can learn who she actually is and who she wants to be with Lena or at all.

Lena doesn't know Kara, she knows a part of Kara that she portrays. Whereas Lena never made a secret about who she was, Kara even knows that Lena has and has wanted to kill people, it was never made a secret. She doesn't know she killed Lex but Kara is well aware Lena has the potential to do that because Lena told her she went to kill Edge. Plus she can't judge her for it, since Kara has killed and she let Lex fall to his 'death' without trying to save him past a few words to let her. She then smiled at the cheering crowds made up with herself. So... is Kara someone who doesn't kill like she says? Parasite, Reign(pre time travel) and Lex would say different.

If Kara and Lena are to be friends again it has to be something new. It cannot be the same as it was. Lena needs to know who she is and whether she wants to be friends with whoever it is Kara decides she's going to be around Lena now.

#supergirl #kara zor el #kara danvers #alex danvers #Supercorp #lex luthor #lena luthor #mon el #Superman #clark kent

[fly-sky-high-bug-games]

gghgghhgg SILVA IS REALLY THE CHILD OF ALYSSUM AND MUGO ??!!! I knew Mugo was like an adoptive father but ... Mugo knows that Silva is really his daughter? I think Silva doesn't know. but if mugo knows ... how he understood that she is his daughter ??? especially that he doesn't know that Alyssum had an egg !! and Alyssum have not seen Silva yet. she can't say it's her daughter! ;-;

Oh man, y’all gotta understand I absolutely love how much their story sounds like a soap opera~! 8D

Short answer: Yes, Silva is Mugo’s and Alyssum’s child. No, Alyssum doesn’t know her baby survived (thank you Gambit, you’re the best mom!). Yes, Mugo somewhat figured it out but he isn’t sure yet, Amalma is suppose to confirm it for him. No, Silva doesn’t know aaaaanything~!

Long answer under the cut~

Well, Mugo and Alyssum obvious had their intimate moments while dating and while my logic of “female chooses if eggs are fertile or not by deciding to lay them in the first place”, Alyss picked to have just one for this occasion. I figure eggs themselves don’t have to be in the egg too long before larvae hatches and has to be nurtured with food so it can molt and grow until they cocoon themselves to actually reach a stage of the anthropomorphic look, AKA baby 2.0., so they can develop other skills and not just through fetus like stage as larvae. (uhh sorry if this is confusing, I’m trying to do logic but it’s literally cartoon bugs...)

Anyways, Alyssum dumped Silva sometime after hatching. While Mugo got her letter to come meet her for the “little surprise”, he obviously refused to show up (he had every right to do that), Alyssum had no use of the baby and just left her at crossroads to die. No one knows about, no one hears about, dangerous place... perfect baby dumping situation with no evidence~

Of course, Gambit found Silva soon after some time after her poker night with Sly, coming back to the entrance of the mines and passing by near the tram to find her and adopted her. 

So you have both parents kind of being quiet for about 20 years, each doing their own thing and no one really knowing anything.

Then you have our sweet Yonna who met Silva then some time later, while Silva was busy OBSESSING OVER TRYING TO RID OF INFECTION IN THE MINES BY HERSELF (gods...), Yonna also met Mugo by chance while on the way to colosseum. Mugo got a little attached to both her and Rham due to sharing quite a bit of interest (like disliking the nobles and having weird/abusive parents and intimate traumas... haha), he sort of got attached to being Yonna’s weird uncle.

During the whole coli mess with Zeeke, they also met Amalma, who works for Alyssum’s White Magnolia as a spy, being on the mission. She knew about Mugo’s existence because her clan shares some information and keeps them safe regarding Magnolia members. From Alyssum’s claim, Mugo is a creep who hurt her and that’s a story that’s been within the inner circle of the members.

Admittedly, Amalma attacked moment thinking he was creepy and harassing Yonna. She kind of got concerned for the moth and tailed them for most of the stay until Mugo and Amalma almost fought and Yonna stopped them, demanding they all have a talk.

Things were cleared out but the fact that Alyssum resurfaced in Mugo’s life by hearing she’s been saying he’s a nasty harasser of nice girls really got him mad and upset. Amalma learned that wasn’t true, at least, and she somewhat got attached to the group.

SOOOO the whole shabang with Zeeke and the vessels and getting banned from the coli happened and Yonna, Rham and Mugo head back to the Crystal Peak to meet up Silva again. Taka let them know via dreams Silva wasn’t fine and they kind of zoomed back home, Yonna having to save her arse and memories. Mugo tagged along because he honestly didn’t want to just leave for work without seeing Yonna and her supposed crazy girlfriend will be fine.

After the whole unlocking Silva’s memories deal, Mugo was asked to stay a bit longer. He didn’t really want to rush and leave, getting to really love some company and understanding family vibe after being a lone wolf for so long.

So the gang chilled at the peaks, Mugo was having issues with looking at maskless Silva but didn’t quite click why for him yet. He also tended to be harsh with words towards her but Yonna would draw attention to it and he’d apologize.

Then... this fun conversation happened~

It was dinner time, Rham was basically cracking Mugo’s spine with stretches and massages and Silva and Yonna talked about whether Mugo is a moth or a butterfly, Silva never really understanding the difference. The two curiously and playfully went to ask him and while Mugo was on the floor groaning in pain, he replied with something like “What sort of butterfly has a mane like this?”

To that, Silva got a little concerned and said “I’m a butterfly though” and they started to chatter about Silva’s past and parents. She said she couldn’t know, she was found at the Crossroads, near tram station, adopted by the miners and that was the story Gambit told her, to which Rham confirmed because he remembered.

Cue Mugo’s anxiety jumping sky high (hehe). He figured “no, the location must be a coincidence” but the very accurate coincidence made him remember the letter... Mugo then started asking them questions, last one being “Silva, how old are you again?”. She replied the exact number of years since he got the letter.

Cue Mugo entering panic attack. He hopped up to his feet, briefly apologized while hyperventilating and hurried outside for some air. Yonna was too familiar with the reaction so she went to be support for him while Silva and Rham stayed behind, Rham explaining to Silva he had a rough past with someone and that the talk might have triggered something.

Mugo hasn’t taken off his mask at this point... But he had to. He couldn’t breathe and with Yonna around, he took his mask off. Rather similar to the ask I drew and reply, he had to pace and take time to breathe before calming down and explaining to Yonna what’s happened with Alyssum and the letter...

Of course, Silva’s looks were somewhat a giveaway too but neither was too certain. So Yonna assured him to wait and see, not tell Silva anything until they are fully certain. Mugo told Rham later but Silva is absolutely oblivious.

They had a chance to meet Amalma again because she was hiding from Zeeke’s assassin going after her to kill her for carrying information she got about Zeeke. It was during Pim’s kidnapping and after the group was almost killed in fire by said assassin. They stayed at Dirtmouth and Amalma hid there for a little while. She spoke to Mugo and he asked her to check for information at Highgrove and see if Alyssum ever bore a child.

Upon Amalma’s return to Highgrove (that has yet to happen but very soon), Alyssum has already spoken to Zeeke... who mentioned Mugo to her... so now she knows Amalma did as well because she helped stop Trail when she was after Pim’s life. Luckily, Amalma knows how to lie. She acted as if Mugo was the scum Alyssum talked about to be more convincing.

“So you confirm there is a young, wingless moth girl very close to him?”

“.... yes.”

“Uhuhu, how his gentleman persona has rotten. Say, if they’re close, you wouldn’t mind fetching the said moth girl for me, wouldn’t you, Amalma dear?”

“... anything you wish, mistress.”

“Good. I’ll leave that task to you then.”

#UFUFUFUFUFUFUFU!!!! #so many muses #but wee!! #lumiere-angel-90

[marcholasmoth]

OSRR: 2232

today was eh. i fully intended to do all of my homework today, but could i focus? no. what makes you think i can focus? lmao

anyway, me and my entire inability to focus spent the day frustrated and hungry and kind of mopey? just desperate for affection and understanding. and sugar. i helped mom finish up her puzzle though, so that was at least a little entertaining.

once mom went upstairs for bed, my papa and i sat and talked for a few hours. in that time i told him about my trauma and my frustrations and what i think and how i perceive the world and basically so many things i've kept bottled up from everyone in my daily life. just kinda unceremoniously dumped it on the table. and while i was doing that, i told him about how i'm confident i also have adhd and i listed off my symptoms that i've found in my research, and as we continued to talk, i grabbed a pad of sticky notes and wrote things down as they popped into my head so i could try to clear it up, even though i didn't realize what i was doing at the time. when i finally looked up at the wall, i burst into tears. i had used almost half of an entire pad of sticky notes with things that were littering my skull and preventing me from focusing or thinking. i pointed to it and sobbed, "that's why i can't fucking think." and he understands. he and i talked about so much and i cried a bit more and it was so nice to get it off my chest and out of my head. and to have all the smaller things floating around now in a solid state on my wall? chaotic and daunting, but at least i'm not freaking out about it all now. i just need to organize it.

but at one point we were talking about my mom, my aunt, and my grandma. my grandma is generally pretty shitty. we all know this. my aunt is a sweetheart who deserves none of gramma's shit, even though she does share some of her characteristics. but my aunt shares more in common with my mom than she does her mom, and my aunt deserves so much better than to live with gramma. i tied gramma's shitty behavior into my mom's shitty behavior, mentioning how my mom believes that therapy is for broken people, and i said to my dad that if only she could've gone to therapy, she and a doctor could have talked about it and gotten to the root of the problem.

and then i said something i ended up putting neatly on a pink sticky note, stuck in the center of the sea of orange ones:

it's never too late to start healing.

and that hit me way harder than i could've ever imagined. but it's true. it sucks ass, absolutely. and you gotta come to terms with who you are and what's happened to you, and that's even worse ass to suck. but in the end, i think it's worth it. for me, it's to undo the conditioning i was raised under. it's learning how to live my own life. to make my own decisions. to decide what i believe, instead of following what someone else believes. it's learning to love myself when all i do now is hate everything that i am. and i know i have a real fuckin long way to go. but i have to believe that it'll be worth it in the end.

that's a lot deeper than i anticipated getting today in general, but that's what happened. and now i know that my dad is on my side and that he understands and loves me. i was also seriously considering telling him that i'm not entirely straight, but i decided against it. it seemed like the perfect time, but there may come a day when i'll see a change to tell him and be comfortable with it. my papa is the BEST. the BESTEST best.

anyway, tomorrow's the wedding (today really, it's almost 5fucking am, smdh), but i finally know what i'm gonna wear. so that'll be good. i'm wearing heels for the first time in almost two years i think, so i'll be v tall. excitement there. i'm also bringing flats so i don't murder both my feet and my ankles, and because being 6'1" for an extended period of time is a little much for little old me. (everything is too SHORT.) also because joel is like 5'11" and i don't want to be taller than he is for an exorbitant amount of time. (although having him look up at me is a fun mental image.) (god i wish i were a man like 80% of the time.) (those seem unrelated but they are in fact not.) (joel's the best, goddamnit. i just wish i were more his type.) (do i though?)

*probably tmi here, also tw for sex mentions i guess, talking about my sexuality here

don't worry about all of that - give me a minute and i'll explain. so at this point in my life, either being a repressed human being for so fucking long has either messed with my psyche, or i'm just genuinely not interested in sex all that much?? i'm all for romance (and by god if i don't love hickeys getting marked love bites? i hate that term) but like, actually doing the do doesn't seem all that exciting to me? like i know i like making joel feel good, but i don't find myself needing that sort of pleasure. like, i'm fine. i like the idea of it, i guess, but i'm indifferent towards getting some myself. i'm still trying figure that one out. i might be some shade of ace. any help figuring that one out is appreciated.

#molly rambles #operation srr #osrr #2000s #2200s #sunshine boy #tw sex mention

[hawkinsschoolcounselor]

Mike and Eleven are an unhealthy couple, and other ST relationship notes

Relationships have been shown to be a big part of Stranger Things from the beginning. In Season 1, we’re treated to The Party’s unique dynamic, Nancy’s rocky romance with Steve, Joyce’s interactions with her ex-husband, and Johnathan and Will’s brotherly bonding. We are also introduced to Eleven, who more or less instantly bonds with Mike. These relationships allow us to get to know the characters in a more intimate way, and help drive the narrative. In Season 2, we get deeper into these relationships and also see new ones bloom. We witness the special bond that Mike and Will share, the abusive dynamic of the Hargrove household, Dustin and Lucas spar over Max while she adapts to being adopted by a group of nerds, Steve and Nancy’s relationship fails and Johnathan and Nancy’s begins, and even Karen get frustrated over her boring rut of a marriage. We also see Mike, at least early on in the season, desperately reach out to Eleven, and it’s indicated he’s been doing this for just shy of a year (353 days I believe).  In Season 3, a heavy-handed theme is “we don’t understand each other.” This is displayed prominently by multiple relationships. It’s most obvious with Johnathan and Nancy, where I believe it was directly stated. Nancy feels he doesn’t believe in her and her journalistic hunches, while he feels she isn’t considering how badly he needs that internship since he lacks her familial resources. Joyce and Hopper’s relationship goes on a roller coaster stemming from Hopper seeing Joyce as playing around with him as he tries his best to open his heart again, but Joyce still has grief over Bob and understandable paranoia about the lab holding her back. Max and Lucas seem ok, showing some playful banter, but we’re also told they’ve broken up five times. Seeing as how they’ve only been together for about 7-8 months or so. That’s a sign of a lack of understanding, but sadly we don’t get much more out of Lucas this season. Karen is tempted by Billy to bring some excitement into her life, though Ted is shown to be rather content with his boring family life. We’re also treated to the heartwarming friendship of Steve and Robin, which is teased as a romance through yet another misunderstanding. This brings me to the crux of this post (finally), and that is Mike, and his horrible (or horribly written) relationships in Season 3. I can totally buy his attachment to Eleven. She helps him find Will in Season 1, and is traumatized by her disappearance (and apparent death) during the final battle with the Demogorgon. It’s completely understandable that he’d be affected by that, possibly feeling guilty and responsible, and desperate for her safe return. It’s totally realistic for a 12-year-old to develop a crush on a girl in a short amount of time such as the week he knew her. It’s unbelievably realistic for him to be immensely happy and relieved when she comes back in Season 2, safe and sound. It’s totally in-character for him to be a nervous wreck when she goes to close the gate. At no point, however, does this have the appearance of a romantic relationship, at least not a true and healthy one.

In Season 3, however, he is completely obsessed with her. It’s revealed by Lucas that he’s been neglecting his friends. He’s been seeing her every day, at least since summer started, and there are implications that Eleven primarily only sees Mike (Max is shocked to see her, we see no interactions between El and the others, she’s still not allowed to be out in public, etc.). This girl has had no opportunity for social or emotional growth in the roughly year and a half since she’s been out of the lab. Her question to Max (”How do I know if I like something?” or something along those lines) should be jarring. She’s never considered anything for herself. Pre-dumping, she and Mike are shown basically just making out. There’s no conversation, no getting to know each other, no simply enjoying each other’s company. The only time we see them with the others, Mike and El very quickly leave, which the others know means they want to make out. El is supposed to be friends with them too, but she seems equally obsessed with this relationship. It’s been months since the Snow Ball, they should be out of the honeymoon phase even if Mike’s opportunities to see her during the school year were limited.  So, unpopular opinion, Mike and El share an unhealthy relationship. He’s more annoyed than upset when she dumps him, while El has a blast hanging out with Max. It’s nice to see her grow with this, but she’s quite honestly depicted as being better off without Mike as a boyfriend. I’m not saying they couldn’t grow into a better couple, but we see nothing like that in this season. They make up in the hospital, and Mike awkwardly tries to talk about feelings in the grocery store, but they just aren’t hearing each other. They don’t understand each other. They still don’t at the end, to be honest. While many people seem to think they rekindle their relationship before the Byers’ move, Mike seems legit confused. He stands there, stock still, as El kisses him. He doesn’t kiss back, he doesn’t close his eyes, he doesn’t put his arms around her, he doesn’t return her “I love you”, and, as she walks off, he doesn’t get a goofy grin, a sad smile, or a hopeful look on his face. He stands there, confused, as if that kiss was unexpected and he doesn’t know how to feel about it. That wasn’t a boy who had been going out with this girl for the past three months post-Starcourt. If they were meant to be seen as a happy couple, tragically being torn apart, then the writers did a terrible job of it. It’s almost too obvious that we’re supposed to compare this to Mike’s strained relationship with Will, though at the same time it’s like we’re meant to forget all of that. There’s curiously no acknowledgement to any of the bonding they shared in Season 2, even through flashbacks. Will is portrayed as being upset at the slightest sign of Mike and El’s romance. He doesn’t show frustration with Max or Lucas, and he’s amused at the prospect of helping Dustin contact his camp girlfriend. If this wasn’t intentional, then it’s either poor acting or poor writing. Both Mike and Will become single-minded, Mike towards El, and Will towards D&D. There’s many possible explanations (besides the aforementioned bad writing) that could explain Will’s change of character, but that’s a post for another time, if people are interested. Will reaches his breaking point in a conversation that reads more like a breakup than anything else. Again, though, it’s clear they don’t understand each other. This is where the “Is Will gay?” speculation hits a crescendo, as he angrily states it’s not his fault Will doesn’t like girls. Will is...devastated, shocked, terrified? It’s hard to nail down. Mike is immediately remorseful, though his apology is severely lacking. Will’s parting words of “I guess I did. I really did.” again seem more like a breakup. I’d like to go on more, but besides Mike tracking Will down in the rain (not unsignificant), we see little between them until the goodbyes. Their scene is shorter than Mike and El’s, but significant in that it’s the only goodbye Will is shown having (apart from all the hugging). They speak in code again, with Mike worried Will may replace him, and Will reassuring Mike that could never happen. It’s worth mentioning that the smile Mike shows in this scene is the most genuine we see all season from him.  I’m not sure what to think about it all. Mike and Will’s relationship is somehow portrayed as stronger and deeper that Mike and El’s, but simultaneously less significant. It makes more sense for Mike to be closer to Will than El, and it’s curious that he and El are never shown trying to get to know each other. My ultimate conclusion, drawing on personal experience and someone with degrees in psychology and counseling, is that Mike and El are bad for each other, at least based on how they’ve been depicted thus far. They’re shown to be better outside of their relationship.  Ultimately, Mike lost both of these relationships at the end. While we know the three of them will meet again, they simply have the hope of visits and calls. Mike is left visibly upset as the Byers family drives off, but it’s ambiguous as to whether Will or El leaving upsets him more. I don’t think he knows the answer to that either. As he enters his mother’s embrace, he appears in a state of shock. This scene parallels him being comforted in season 1 when Will’s fake body was pulled from the water, even going so far as to include the same song. It’s possible he’s coming to a realization involving Will, which could explain the shock. I think the simplest explanation, though, is that we’re supposed to be as confused as Mike as to what all this means. Mike starting to consider that Will is more than just his best friend would be a breath of fresh air for a story like this, but I doubt it.  If you made it this far, let me know if you’d like more posts from me. I have thoughts on the effects of trauma on the characters, theories for season 4, and general opinions about seasons 1-3.

#stranger things #mike wheeler #will byers #dustin henderson #lucas sinclair #max mayfield #eleven #nancy wheeler #jonathan byers #joyce byers #jim hopper #joncy #byeler #mileven #jopper