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ridingthewavesinspace · 8 months

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Immediately forgetting pretty much all of a relationship, good and bad after a breakup.

#dissociative amnesia #Living with DID #I hate this #dissociative identity disorder #did #polyfragmentation #did osdd #did system #endos dni #actually did #diagnosed system #did community #complex post traumatic stress disorder

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windchimesystem · 1 year

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It's tricky being a system when in relationship with another person, especially when triggered and a persecutor/protector comes out.

Even though the person didn't inherently do something wrong, the situation can bring our system back to a time when malicious behaviours in similar situations meant we needed to defend and protect.

Unfortunately this can cause our old, unhealthy reactions to spring forth and hurt people we care about. It also sabotages the relationship and pushes the other away, leaving us with an empty and lonely feeling.

Guilt and regret reign, and the disappointment in ourselves cuts deeply. We often feel unworthy of comfort or forgiveness when it happens....the others in us desperately ask what we could do to make it better.

Yet being told "to just stop doing it" and "stop justifying your behaviour" even when the person/people in us feel like they were justified in the reaction leaves us feeling at a loss for what to do, and more guilt pours in.

We wish the traumatized parts in us could trust freely without doubting the goodness of others constantly. We wish that we could consistently do the right thing, considering the time we spent in therapy trying to practice "using the tools" or "saying the right words".

Alas, it's not always possible, and we feel ourselves closing up inside, wanting to isolate from the goodness available to us, feeling unworthy of forgiveness.

And the hurt person in the relationship often feels attacked...and g*d help us if that person also holds trauma....then their old coping mechanisms jump forward in them too, triggering them and forcing a wedge to push us all apart from each other, especially if the attacked person has an avoidant attachment style.

If the relationship is a stronger one that has learned to come back to each other after separating for a time to let the wound heal a bit, this can be a learning experience.

Yet, it doesn't stop the anxiety of the persecutor/protector who attacked spontaneously to the situation. They continue to simmer with the fear of abandonment, especially if they're anxiously attached.

Know that this is another life challenge, and that we see you and know the pain. Sending love and goodness to anyone feeling lost or hurt this day.

#dissociative identity disorder #protector #persecutor #system #syscourse #self care #living with did

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sliiping-away · 11 months

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✟God Forgive Me✟

from my instagram

!OKAY TO REBLOG/PLEASE DO NOT REPOST!

I AM THE ORIGINAL ARTIST

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multiplicity-positivity · 1 year

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A Day in the Lives of the Dreamland System: Living with DID

Hello! We recently received an ask with a few research questions, one of which asks people with DID to describe what it’s like living with this disorder. So we wanted to make a “day in the life” sort of post where we talk about our daily routine as a DID system!

(Note: while we are diagnosed with DID, we also have many comorbidities that affect our experience. Our life as a DID system will look different from another system’s!)

8:15 - Parker wakes up in the body when the alarm goes off. Sometimes another alter will wake up in the body, say, after a night of rough nightmares or being frontstuck the previous day. We’d guess Parker wakes up in the body about 85% of the time!

8:20 - Ralsei cofronts and gets us ready for the day. Soft brushes our teeth, takes our meds, and gets us into our work clothes. If they have time, they’ll fix a bite of breakfast for us and do some Hebrew practice (whether on Duolingo, writing the alef-bet, or saying and memorizing blessings). Sometimes Toby cofronts during this time!

9:00 - Margo switches in (that’s me!) to drive us to work. Usually I switch when we’ve changed into our work uniform. At work I’m the primary fronter. Parker’s almost always co-con, and sometimes Kip, Ghost, Cecil, or Ralsei will cofront with me to keep me company and make sure we can get through the day. Sometimes there’s special cases - last week Django cofronted with me at work which was his first time fronting in a long time! It all depends on what’s going on in our lives and what our emotional state is like. If it’s slow at work (it usually is!) I’ll hop on this blog and try to answer some asks or draft positivity posts.

5:00 - We clock out and Margo brings us home. Usually I’ve switched out between clocking out and getting in our car, leaving Parker to drive us home, but sometimes I don’t switch until we’ve been home for a few minutes. A couple nights ago I was frontstuck after work for a few hours, which was weird and stressful for me!

5:15 - Kip switches in to play with the cats, shower, then get us stoned. We’re severely mentally ill with lots of chronic pain and fatigue - drugs help us to manage our symptoms and feel calm and safe at home. During this time, Kip may do some reading (on DID/dissociation/psychology, Judaism, or something else), journalling, or play video games alone or with our wife.

7:00 - Ralsei fronts again to make dinner! Fluff never gets to eat the food they make however - if it’s a favorite food of one of our littles, they’ll front to gobble it up. If not, Parker or Kip usually front for dinner.

7:30 - Whoever fronts in the evening is entirely dependent on what we’re doing. If we watch a scary movie with our wife, Alucard will front. If we practice piano, Cecil or Basil will front. If we’re watching cartoons or playing a kid-friendly video game, one of the littles will front (most likely Ollie). Kip and Toby front to study (we’re studying Jewish texts!) and Ralsei fronts to do chores. A few of us may blog or scroll tumblr at this time, and any of us might seek out our cats for scritches and playtime.

We have to keep ourselves very busy during this time, requiring constant distraction to keep us from ending up in a bad place. If we don’t have something to do, we can get in a negative mental spiral and dissociate very quickly. GiGi or Nebula may front (the former is a persecutor, the latter is our autopilot), leaving us feeling overwhelmed and guilty, or empty and numb. Sometimes a traumatized little will front, which sends us into trauma flashbacks - we may feel nervous, terrified, anxious, sad, hurt, confused, and a host of other negative emotions. We may feel stuck in the past, hopelessly tied to our trauma memories, and unable to recognize our surroundings.

Thankfully many of us don’t hold recollection of these times, only hearing about it later from our wife or a journal entry.

11:30 - Bedtime! Parker brushes our teeth if he can remember, then it’s straight to bed. We try to fall asleep quickly - the time between getting in bed and falling asleep can be pretty dangerous for us. It’s when we’re most prone to having hallucinations, so we sleep with a blanket over our eyes to keep us from potentially seeing something frightening.

And that’s how an average day goes for us! Our DID affects every aspect of our life and really informs how we see the world and go about our day. Of course, there may be differences and fluctuations day-to-day, but this is roughly an average of how we live our life. Sometimes we have great communication and memory-sharing, sometimes it’s frustratingly difficult. It really depends on a lot of different things!

We hope some of y’all are able to find this post interesting or enlightening! Truth be told our life may seem pretty boring, but we like and much prefer it this way. ^^

Thanks so much for reading everyone! Take care of yourselves and have a wonderful day!

#osddid #dissociative identity disorder #living with did #cdd system #did system #complex dissociative disorder #drugs mention

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unwelcome-ozian · 2 years

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#DID #living with DID

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thyroiddiseasediaries · 1 year

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I had planned for awhile now to keep my meds the way they are even though I’m not good because I was hoping therapy might assist me and I can feel better by facing my demons and then decide what to do about psych/anxiety meds.

But I have been having worsening episodes where I’m losing control and screaming and slapping myself because it felt like electricity and fire ants are racing at the speed of light in my body and it’s so all consuming. Like my insides are on fire or my is crying, almost like I’m feeling overstimulated.

I think I need to at least up my dose... it makes me feel like a failure. It scares me because nothing scares me more than the thought of becoming a shuffler, to go back to feeling nothing and losing more years.

Like I finally want to live, I want to be okay. I want to be happy.

I don’t know what that looks like for a girl like me. But, maybe my lesson is...

Sometimes we have to ask for help... more than once, and that’s okay.

What I want the most is to find a therapist I can trust, that can help me figure what’s wrong with me. BPD? PTSD? CPTSD? DID? Am I on the spectrum?

I got tired of fighting, I got tired of arguing with doctors who think losing weight will solve all my problems, won’t listen to me. Fuck that.

Therapy Den is a great place to look for therapists and counselors that will fit your needs, and understand you. In case you were ready to reach out for help too. You aren’t alone, and you deserve to be happy. You’ve punished yourself enough. <3

I’m ready to find my inner child and love on her the way she needed it when I was young.

#depression #mental illness #pmdd #pmdd support #cptsd coping #ptsd recovery #ptsd #living with did #did #bpd #living with bipolar #bipolar disorder #mental health #on the spectrum

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serpuntine · 1 year

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Happy System Awareness Day from Nico of The Forest System!

System Awareness Day brings awareness (oh really?) to people with DID or OSDD that live as a system of alters. I only learned about it earlier this year, and it honestly made me feel very happy and seen. I hope all the systems out there have a nice day!

Living with DID isn't fun or enjoyable so I find it a bit difficult to call today a "pride day", but my headmates and I have survived our trauma because of each other, so it feels important to bring awareness to our mental illness.

Happy System Awareness Day!!

#did community #did #osdd #living with did #system #system pride day #dissociative alters #dissociative identity disorder #mental health #mental health awareness #system awareness day

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butchfalin · 5 months

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the funniest meltdown ive ever had was in college when i got so overstimulated that i could Not speak, including over text. one of my friends was trying to talk me through it but i was solely using emojis because they were easier than trying to come up with words so he started using primarily emojis as well just to make things feel balanced. this was not the Most effective strategy... until. he tried to ask me "you okay?" but the way he chose to do that was by sending "👉🏼👌🏼❓" and i was so shocked by suddenly being asked if i was dtf that i was like WHAT???? WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME?????????? and thus was verbal again

#yeehaw #1k #5k #10k #posts that got cursed. blasted. im making these tag updates after... 19 hours?#also i have been told it should say speech loss bc nonverbal specifically refers to the permanent state. did not know that!#unfortunately i fear it is so far past containment that even if i edited it now it would do very little. but noted for future reference #edit 2: nvm enough ppl have come to rb it from me directly that i changed the wording a bit. hopefully this makes sense #also. in case anyone is curious. though i doubt anyone who is commenting these things will check the original tags #1) my friend did not do this on purpose in any way. it was not intended to distract me or to hit on me. im a lesbian hes a gay man. cmon now #he felt very bad about it afterwards. i thought it was hilarious but it was very embarrassed and apologetic #2) “why didn't he use 🫵🏼?” didn't exist yet. “why didn't he use 🆗?” dunno! we'd been using a lot of hand emojis. 👌🏼 is an ok sign #like it makes sense. it was just a silly mixup. also No i did not invent 👉🏼👌🏼 as a gesture meaning sex. do you live under a rock #3) nonspeaking episodes are a recurring thing in my life and have been since i was born. this is not a quirky one-time thing #it is a pervasive issue that is very frustrating to both myself and the people i am trying to communicate with. in which trying to speak is #extremely distressing and causes very genuine anguish. this post is not me making light of it it's just a funny thing that happened once #it's no different than if i post about a funny thing that happened in conjunction w a physical disability. it's just me talking abt my life #i don't mind character tags tho. those can be entertaining. i don't know what any of you are talking about #Except the ppl who have said this is pego/ryu or wang/xian. those people i understand and respect #if you use it as a writing prompt that's fine but send it to me. i want to see it #aaaand i think that's it. everyday im tempted to turn off rbs on it. it hasn't even been a week

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hamletthedane · 3 months

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I was meeting a client at a famous museum’s lounge for lunch (fancy, I know) and had an hour to kill afterwards so I joined the first random docent tour I could find. The woman who took us around was a great-grandmother from the Bronx “back when that was nothing to brag about” and she was doing a talk on alternative mediums within art.

What I thought that meant: telling us about unique sculpture materials and paint mixtures.

What that actually meant: an 84yo woman gingerly holding a beautifully beaded and embroidered dress (apparently from Ukraine and at least 200 years old) and, with tears in her eyes, showing how each individual thread was spun by hand and weaved into place on a cottage floor loom, with bright blue silk embroidery thread and hand-blown beads intricately piercing the work of other labor for days upon days, as the labor of a dozen talented people came together to make something so beautiful for a village girl’s wedding day.

What it also meant: in 1948, a young girl lived in a cramped tenement-like third floor apartment in Manhattan, with a father who had just joined them after not having been allowed to escape through Poland with his pregnant wife nine years earlier. She sits in her father’s lap and watches with wide, quiet eyes as her mother’s deft hands fly across fabric with bright blue silk thread (echoing hands from over a century years earlier). Thread that her mother had salvaged from white embroidery scraps at the tailor’s shop where she worked and spent the last few days carefully dying in the kitchen sink and drying on the roof.

The dress is in the traditional Hungarian fashion and is folded across her mother’s lap: her mother doesn’t had a pattern, but she doesn’t need one to make her daughter’s dress for the fifth grade dance. The dress would end up differing significantly from the pure white, petticoated first communion dresses worn by her daughter’s majority-Catholic classmates, but the young girl would love it all the more for its uniqueness and bright blue thread.

And now, that same young girl (and maybe also the villager from 19th century Ukraine) stands in front of us, trying not to clutch the old fabric too hard as her voice shakes with the emotion of all the love and humanity that is poured into the labor of art. The village girl and the girl in the Bronx were very different people: different centuries, different religions, different ages, and different continents. But the love in the stitches and beads on their dresses was the same. And she tells us that when we look at the labor of art, we don’t just see the work to create that piece - we see the labor of our own creations and the creations of others for us, and the value in something so seemingly frivolous.

But, maybe more importantly, she says that we only admire this piece in a museum because it happened to survive the love of the wearer and those who owned it afterwards, but there have been quite literally billions of small, quiet works of art in billions of small, quiet homes all over the world, for millennia. That your grandmother’s quilt is used as a picnic blanket just as Van Gogh’s works hung in his poor friends’ hallways. That your father’s hand-painted model plane sets are displayed in your parents’ livingroom as Grecian vases are displayed in museums. That your older sister’s engineering drawings in a steady, fine-lined hand are akin to Da Vinci’s scribbles of flying machines.

I don’t think there’s any dramatic conclusions to be drawn from these thoughts - they’ve been echoed by thousands of other people across the centuries. However, if you ever feel bad for spending all of your time sewing, knitting, drawing, building lego sets, or whatever else - especially if you feel like you have to somehow monetize or show off your work online to justify your labor - please know that there’s an 84yo museum docent in the Bronx who would cry simply at the thought of you spending so much effort to quietly create something that’s beautiful to you.

#shut up e #long post #Saturday thoughts #this has been in my drafts for a week haha #also this is the heart of why AI art feels so wrong #forget the discussion of copyright and theft etc - even if models were only trained on public domain they would still feel very wrong #because they’re not art. art is the labor of creation #even commercial art and art commissioned by the popes and kings of history: there is humanity in the labor of it #unrelated: I did not know living in the Bronx was now something to brag about. How the fuck do y’all New Yorkers afford this city???

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stil-lindigo · 3 months

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frankly, the people whose kneejerk reaction to bisan asking for a global strike form the 21st-28th is to say that it takes years to organize a general strike are really unhelpful! no one is saying otherwise, but palestine will be a smoking crater if we all wait for years to do anything - bisan is asking us to do something now. Like are we only supposed to do something if we can do it perfectly??? At some point it’s a valid critique about the work that goes into social movement, and at another point I feel like some people are just trying to absolve themselves from not putting any effort into observing a week of economic inaction.

like idk! I get it, okay! People have bills to pay that don’t magically go away for a strike, we don’t have nearly enough social infrastructure in place to support people to fully stop going to work for a week. But fuck, dude! Stop immediately responding in such a defeatist way! Cut out unnecessary purchases! Try to shop local! Put more effort into promoting Palestinian voices online! Attend a protest, call a local rep, do something!

#like am I going insane #why did I see a post with thousands of notes on it talking about how it doesn’t make sense to be asking for this sort of action #it doesn’t make SENSE?#like god! I hope you’re taking other more sensible courses of action then!#fucks sake man #bisan is living through a waking nightmare and some of you are so pedantic and miserly #palestine #free Palestine

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androidboy · 10 months

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i was in the passenger seat and my girlfriend put her arm out when she made an abrupt stop and her friend in the backseat was like “aww that was so cute that you just instinctively did that!!” and it WAS very cute. but i know she used to deliver pizzas. i know i was precious pizza cargo

#that pizza post lives in my brain and it’s all i could think of when she did this

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secondbeatsongs · 1 year

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for anyone too young to know this: watching The Truman Show is a vastly different experience now, compared to how it was before youtube and social media influencers became normal

before it was like, "what a horrifying thing to do to a human being! to take away their autonomy and privacy, all for the sake of profits! to create fake scenarios for them to react to, just to retain viewership! to ruin their happiness just so some corporate entity could harvest money from their very humanity! how could anyone do something so evil?"

and now it's like, "ah, yeah. this is still deeply fucked up, but it's pretty much what every influencer has been doing to their kids for a decade now. probably bad that we've normalized this experience"

#the truman show #sbs rambles #I keep thinking about how children on popular youtube channels should probably have laws to protect them #social workers assigned to them maybe #I dunno #they did not sign up to have their lives sold for profit #but here we are #tho #I guess none of us signed up for it #and our data is harvested more than ever #god #high-tech capitalism sucks turns out #OH WAIT because tumblr is bad at getting context sometimes #let me specify:#I am not saying that the movie The Truman Show is bad or that it normalizes this #like all good sci-fi (because it is kind of sci-fi) it's there to warn us of what the future could hold #and it did that in a very good way - it's a beautiful movie #I could see someone with a bad faith take assuming I meant that it was part of the problem #it absolutely wasn't. it didn't normalize this; we did #youtube did and social media #it's us that's the problem #or more specifically: big corporations and a lack of regulation #that's the origin of most modern problems

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biggest-gaudiest-patronuses · 1 year

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woke up and someone spilled vanilla extract all over my dash, so as punishment you strange little beasties are getting all the VANILLA FACTS i know:

vanilla is the 2nd most expensive spice in the world (2nd to saffron)

which is why more than 99% of what we call "vanilla extract" is actually vanillin (vanilla's dominant flavor compound) and is not extracted from real vanilla.

luckily, even professionals struggle to tell the difference when it comes to things like baked goods. but there is a distinct difference in non-heat treated products like vanilla ice cream. real vanilla has a more complex, individualized flavor profile.

why is vanilla so expensive? because it is a ridiculously delicate & demanding crop. complete primadonna.

vanilla beans come from vanilla orchids. these crazy flowers bloom for A SINGLE DAY and have to be HAND-POLLINATED in a process that is exhausting, delicate, and requires specialist knowledge passed down over generations.

then, if you're lucky, you get vanilla beans.

which then require months of further specialized treatment.

the entire process takes about a year and can go wrong at any stage

vanilla has been cultivated for over 800 years (possibly much longer). the first known cultivators are the Totonac, an indigenous people of Mexico.

the Aztecs used it as a sweetener to balance out the bitter taste of cocoa. it was popular in a drink called xocolatl--the precursor to modern hot chocolate!

it is only pollinated by a very specific orchid bee!!!

which is why no fruit could be grown outside of Mexico until the 1800s

Edmond Albius, born into slavery, invented the pollination method we still use today--launching a global industry when he was just 12 years old.

today, the majority of the world's vanilla is grown in Madagascar

if you want real vanilla, read the labels carefully--it's harder to find than you think!

in conclusion, those tiny black specks you see in fancy vanilla ice cream? those are vanilla bean seeds! itty bitty orchid seeds!!! they are delicious and also a PRISSY BITCH!

(src)

#Vanilla Extract #i open the tumblr app and immediately my nostrils are invaded by the overwhelming stench of vanilla #also if you want real vanilla extract at a discount: check out stores like HomeGoods TJMaxx Marshalls etc #the foodstuffs section tends to have fancy nonperishables for much cheaper than upscale grocery stores #you can get things like saffron truffles fancy oils at surprising prices #still expensive but like. 50% cheaper #or just shoplift if that's your thing i won't tell you how to live your life #did i just spend an hour writing this? yes. why did i do that? i don't KNOW

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reineydraws · 6 months

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