#much!!! yesterday i kept having to wake myself up because my dream felt so real and i didn’t want to believe that i it t was or else i woul

[aakristinejoyce]

#3 beginning of an end

life is a matter of perspective.

I was 16, my life was falling apart in a non teenage drama way. I was graduating high school, and life should be a full speed ahead with possibilities. It was a silent dream to study where my mom graduated college. UE, University of the East, that’s what I’m aiming for. BSED major in History, AB History those are my dream courses. To be far away from home, that’s the goal. To have something else than this little hometown. To be somewhere more than what I used to know. The idea of getting away gives me a sense of euphoria. Maybe if I’m away, I can be seen and heard because ever since then I knew I am better off loving people in a safe distance.

But life’s what you make it, not what it makes you. You can wake up one day and watch how a drive downtown can be your first real shock of how “everything is just okay last night”. Then everything that used to matter started slipping out of your grasped. In just a snapped, a whole new world opened, one whose welcoming your agony. Filing for college registrations turned into filing for SSS benefits, PCSO donations. Countless of sleepless nights studying turned into anxious battles. Running away from home turned into coming home lonelier each night. No one knew what we are going through cause I have no idea how to voice it out. So I kept silent. The loud cheers and painted smiles got me through. I had my own battle to conquer, I’m trying to redeem myself. I worked harder than my three years combined just to get to the top. The moment I made it, I had been slammed by how much little I’ve fought for, that there’s more coming. A lot of things matter, but at that moment, she’s the only one I continously beg God to matter the most.

“Take half of my life and give it to her, and I promise to do everything I can with my remaining half to make sure she knew and felt how much I love her.” Everyday, every night, every prayer, always these same words.

7 months were all it took when she breathed her last breath. 3 times I bid good bye, 3 times I felt myself dying in pain. Around 7PM of Oct 29th, 2013 we fully lost her. At the start of that year, I was sure, I’ll be good, that it is gonna be good. I am starting to build the foundation of my future, the vision of who and what I wanted to become. It was for grasped, it was right there waving. The dream school, the faraway fantasy, the dream course, the ticket waiting. All I wanted was to succeed, but after everything, wanting starts to fade and the need starts to profess. I need her to survive. I only need her to get through. But she didn’t, and that was the greatest loss that change the course of my life forever. We lost and for awhile, I didn’t know if winning after will meant anything anymore.

I lost my sense of time. I never became early with anything in my life after that. I’m always trying to beat the clock. I count minutes, I calculate time and not move until the final second drops. I never got bitter that I lost her, but life became a living hell after. I can never understood why it had to happen that early. Why is she not allowed to beat the clock? I hate being early, because now, I have to wait a lifetime to be with her again.

I got into a college with a course I never fully liked, in a place where I wanted to run off my whole life. I stayed in a hometown where all the hospitals remind me of her, surrounded by people that were once part of her life, where streets and alleyways relives yesterday’s memories. I stayed and watched how everyone manage to break the glass and continue with their life. While me, I had no idea how to brush off grief and pick myself up. She died and I feel like I did too. So there I was, pretending that life was coursing through me, when the truth was, the concept of future stops for me.

A conference. An exposition. A prayer in tongues. It was my first encounter with the Lord through the gift of tongues that opened other gifts for me. The gift of perception, seeing things through His eyes. After that prayer, the world didn’t change, but I did. My agony didn’t change, but a part of me understood. That was the first time I saw grief as love. More importantly, that was the moment I knew that life is a gift - unmeritted, unfavored, undeserved but still given.

“Thank you for the 7 months.” those were the words that ended my prayer. Going home after that conference, I kept on asking myself, when did something so broken became so beautiful? When did agony turned into something graceful? When did my pain became so purposeful? Where did all these beauty extracted from? Cause I was sure, it wasn’t from me. It was from Him. He showed me that a flower surviving from a desert isn’t just a flower thriving greatly, it is a miracle. It shouldn’t be existing, but it did. 7 months with her is a miracle, but what He made me realize through that prayer, is everday I’m choosing to live after she died is a miracle too. It was that conversation with the Lord that changes what matters after.

Life after ~ became a promise to honor her memory. It became a personal mission to honor beauty in all things, and if possible be a glimpse of His beauty in a world that forgets. Life is a matter of perspective. We could either run from the pain or get to know why it’s there. I’ll bet my life, the reason behind it, is because it matters so much. It took me quite some time to embrace the fact that I will always mourn for a life I can never have anymore. It is with a change heart I started to believe that life can still be more, that it can still be full. Dreams can change, convictions can sharpen, beliefs can ignite, more importantly life can still run its course even if you stumble many times. A kid in you, or a once you failed to reach its goal but it doesn’t mean the you today doesn’t have a chance.

Life is a matter of perspective doesn’t mean turning the bad things into something meaningful, it’s not about finding the inspiration in the most uneventful part of life, it’s not really about looking at things with a silver lining. For me what I learned from it is knowing that whether it is good or bad that comes my way, it will never lessen the love I had felt from above. Good things don’t happen to people because their good, bad things don’t happen because people are bad. Life happens. Living takes a toll, it takes a baggage. In all life’s glory, all you can do is just give the best of your ability, your heart and your strength to your chosen cause and purpose. Whatever life throws back at you, you can be at peace with the thought that you have done all that you can to honor the life you have been given.

In my brokenness, I started to see my scars as an opening for light to come through. The wounds are healed, yet the scars remain. It is a reminder of the hell I went through yet also a reminder of how much heaven had fought for me.

For me, what makes Philippians 4:13, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” affirming is before Apostle Paul said these powerful words, he first said, “I know what is to be in need, and what it is to have plenty. Whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want… I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me”. I am never deserving of anything, yet I am still given a life to live. I matter. In the vastness of this world, looking up into the horizon, whether I have nothing today and everything yesterday, I am grateful to experience and feel all of this ruin and wonder. It gives me strength to face life head strong for He had breathed a new heart and purpose within me. I have found myself being sure of who I am. A strength that doesn’t come from my own, but of a love that came down and made every little thing in this world matter.

If all door closes, the windows are still open. You might shrink or bent or be in pieces to fit, but in the end, the other side of it had always been life changing.

#llh

[pbandjesse]

Today is the best that I felt in a week and a half. I still have a cough but most of my exhaustion seems to have passed. And that is nice. On this eve before my birthday.

I slept okay last night but it was rough waking up. James had asked me last night if I was going to wake up at 7:00 and go to work with them or sleep in the extra hour. And I woke up in the middle of a dream when my alarm went off at 7:00 and was just like nope. I need that extra hour. And went back to sleep.

When I got up for real I got washed and dressed and made the bed. And checked on sweetp. He still seems to be doing good though I think he's very fat right now. I'm worried that he's swollen but I pressed all over him and he doesn't seem like it's bothering him at all. So I continue to hope that he is okay.

I left here and went and got breakfast. There was a lot of traffic on the way in but I was still on time so it was fine.

And the museum was great today. I was very excited to get to tell everyone about my excellent interview yesterday. And we have a new person who is a older woman. Younger than our old guys. But an established adult. And she's great. She would go with John on tour and then would be with me for the cannery.

And we spent some time talking this morning. And it was a really good way to start the day. Talking to her and John and just poking around. Having a good time.

Our school group walked to the museum, which always surprises me. But when they got there I brought them all inside and we got them all split up. And it was great.

I did not notice that they had gotten there early though. So once we were split up I just took my group and went to do my tour. And right after I introduced myself Jessica comes over and she was like you have 15 extra minutes. Oops. I didn't even think about it. I was just go go. So I gave the longest cannery intro I've ever done. Honestly maybe a little too long but it was okay. The kids were really excited. One of them had been to the museum a bunch and already knew a lot of it so he was able to also make them excited cuz he was excited to share. And I have them all do things like carrying the cans and really got into stuff that I don't always get to get really deep into. It was great.

And the rest of the tour was really excellent We did the machine shop they want to see everything. We even had a couple minutes in the middle to check out the car. Which I think helped a lot because we have been standing still for so long.

And once the tour was over I felt really good about everything and I took them to lunch and went to sit down and have a break myself.

I had my sandwich and just kind of played on my phone. I didn't bring any of my sewing stuff to finish the backs of my embroidery because I wasn't entirely sure how I was going to approach it. But that's fine.

The cannery went great. The new woman's name is Rosia. She's very nice. And I spent the intro of the cannery running her through the whole program and everything that was going to happen. And I kept telling her I know this is a lot that I'm throwing at you but you will get it and please don't quit. And she thought that was very funny. And the cannery was really good. The kids were super engaged and they were a lot of fun. Was having a little trouble with my printing presses but the green one is working a lot better than it was. The black one was embossing the type but not putting ink down and I don't even understand how that's possible. But it's fine.

After the cannery I did some oysters upstairs. Showed Rosia how to clean them and how we set them up. I made some cans as well. We have a new can form because the new lids are slightly smaller. But they fit so much better in the conveyor belt thing we have for sending them downstairs. So hopefully we don't have them get stuck all the time anymore.

I got to show off some of my wedding photos to Rosia as well and she was making a big fuss in that fell really nice. I feel like I haven't shown people our wedding stuff in a bit and it's nice to be able to show them off to a new person.

I sat downstairs with James for a few minutes and talked to Jessica. And we talked about the three new people she's definitely hiring in the two she's probably hiring. And she told me to not feel bad about taking other jobs and other hours because she's not going to be as strapped for people anymore. And that made me feel a lot better. Jake had gotten back to me this afternoon that he was going to send my interest to the groups that I had told him I was interested in working with. And we'll see what happens.

I didn't realize it was going to rain today. But it was raining really bad. I was having some issues with my sinuses when I was sitting down and I found that taking a walk for a minute helps a lot. So I took a little walk around the museum and stopped to tell Mike what I was doing and he said that if I wasn't too busy that I could look for any water on the ground. Because our roof tends to leak. And I did find a spot in the garment loft that is possibly bowing down. So I went to find Phil to look at it and we ended up talking for like 15 minutes about taxes and all that kind of adult stuff. He's really fun guy.

And then I talked to James and decided that I would come back for them since I didn't want them to have to bike in the rain. And I would go spend some time walking around the thrift store because I had a coupon.

I drove out to value village and I had a great time looking at all the purses. I didn't buy a purse because I do not need a purse. But I really loved that I was able to find four very bad fake coach bags. And one real one. I considered buying the real one because the leather felt really good but I don't need another coach bag. And I didn't really like the buckles that were on the strap so I decided that I would be responsible and not buy it.

I mostly have fun looking at the weird stuff and picking things up and poking around for an hour. And then I looked at the dresses and I found two that I really liked. One that's like Grecian and fancy and one that's a sweatshirt material t-shirt dress. And I feel very good about my two purchases and I spent less than $20 because I had a coupon and everything was good.

When I left it was still drizzling but I headed back to get James. I waited in the car for a little while until they were done and then we drove home.

When we got back here James made hot dogs for us and I would go and work in my studio fixing some dresses that have been on my to do pile. Some buttons need to be reinforced in a seam that had been torn. And once I did that I had some spaghetti. And James had to get on their podcast because they're going to have a special guest that they were really excited about. And I jumped in to starting to line the backs of my embroideries.

It took a really long time. Originally I thought I was going to put down pieces of fabric and having to iron them but then I realized that I could just pin them directly. With the folds on the scenes and I had to cut the fabric a few times to figure out exactly how to fit it all together but in the end I'm really happy with it. Took me two solid hours to hand stitch all of these backs on because I could not figure out how to do it on the sewing machine without the stitching showing through the front. And then once I was done all the backs I decided to line the entirety of the pockets because I thought that the weight would work better. And so I did make the pockets on the sewing machine and then hand stitch them on to the jacket. I started at around 5:30 and I finished around 7:30. It was a lot of fun honestly. I don't hand sew as much as I used to. Not counting embroidery. So it was a lot of fun too have this project and now it's completed. I feel really happy about that.

Once I finish that I show James and they finished their podcast pretty soon after that. And then they had another call for their little book club which I think is so cute. And I have been in bed with sweetp since then. I think now though I'm going to get up and go take a shower. I'm going to wash my hair so that I have clean hair for my birthday. Which is tomorrow. I can't believe I'm going to be 32. I have been saying I am 32 for like 3 months though so it doesn't feel as big but I have completed 32 years of life and that is pretty cool. We're about to start 33!

I hope you all have a great night tonight. Sleep great. I will see you tomorrow!

[dam-meh]

May 10,2023 -- Anxiety Kicks In

Yesterday I felt sick. I keep sneezing and my head feels heavy. I was advice to take some rest. As I slept this morning a familiar feeling creeps in. I saw him again in my dream. We were talking, smiling and giggling. My eyes started to wet. I tried to wiped it but tears kept flowing out. I was embarass because he asked me if I am okay. I almost told him Im just happy I get to talk to you and wished to keep this on being by your side and be accepted by everyone. I felt the familiarity beside him. The feeling when he stares at me with complete love. I tried to woke up because I know it was not real but myself stops me. I want to be with him I want to runaway be with him to give him love to help me him to learn to love himself. But I have to wake up because that was not the reality I am in. Im a mother now, a partner, a daughter and a sister. Im no longer the teenage girl who felt lost because everyone has already found their purpose. I have to accept that this is the decision I have made. The consequences of my decision that I decided to made. He clearly does not want to be involve with me again. He clearly told me our chapter was done. We had our chance. And I let it passed. You know what scares me? To feel this again. I can still cry a lot for him. I wished I could forget about him. I wished I could just adjust my brain and delete those part where I loved him so much. I dont want to cling in our memories. He is doin’ fine. Im doin’ fine. He told me to do the things need to be done. To be responsible and ignore him. Because it was just an infatuation i felt for him. I wished Lord he was right.

[peepo]

#i genuinely need to jill myself #if i adress this with my mom she’ll just guilt trip me if i talk about this to anyone else nothing good will happen they’ll just b burdened #i keep thinking that maybe i just need to not talk to anyone else. maybe #but the last time i did thag i went into such a depressive spiral i nearly died for real for real. anyways #whining #at least it’s in the tags this time #genuinely see no way out of this unless i win the lottery or something which maybe i should start playing #i can’t do anything right or save my money because all of it goes to my mom i can’t not give her money when she asks for it and i just #wanna die real bad. i don’t even care if she’s left as a mother of none i just hate living here i hate being alive #and nothing helps even if i spend time with my friends i still come back to this sick house where i’m yelled at and berated and treated lik #a psych ward patient. i’ve been through that already i don’t need it at home. i hate this so much i wish i was never born and never alive #i can see why my friend killed himself and i just wanna join him in not having to bear any of tbis ugly ugly self hatred and suffering and #isolation anymore. #i hate this. i hate myself. i don’t want to be here. #please please please i just want to die and be rid of all of these issues. love gender money family psyche mind everything it’s just too #much!!! yesterday i kept having to wake myself up because my dream felt so real and i didn’t want to believe that i it t was or else i woul #due in real life or hurt myself or die for real i just. i’m so psychotic and mental and i just want it over with. i hate it here LOL #whatevrr. goodnight. my phone charged so i can listen and ruin my hearing #because my walls are so thin i have to blast white noise into my ears to sleep #everything sucks. everything is horrible. i just wish i were dead

[punkcupcakestyles]

Love Song

Part 16

Catch up!

In which one of them says the “L” word.

TW: Hi, this chapter contains references to DV. If you don’t feel like reading it, that's fine, your wellbeing is a priority. However, if you would like to read some of this new chapter, you can skip it, as references are only made in the first part directly under the “read more”, which is marked with a ++++ for you. Once that bracket ends, it is TW-free. 

****

Are Harry Styles and Sofia Welsh a thing?

Surely, you must be asking this yourself…

++++

Harry was still asleep when I woke up. He was sleeping on his belly, with his back turned to me, and I scooted closer to him, brushing my fingers over the light red marks I had left on his skin. So, last night had happened, and those marks were there to prove it. 

I laid on my back and stared at the ceiling, trying to come up with all of the ways I was different that morning. We had sex, which was new, and then took a shower together and fell asleep in the middle of kisses and giddy laughs, which wasn’t so new. My body was the same, except for the slight pain on one side of my hips, and the ticklish memory of Harry’s lips on my skin. My mind was fluttery and anxious, but that wasn’t Harry’s fault.

It was mine.

One thing was different: Harry knew.

What had happened last night? I was desperate for Harry to stay. I felt like my heart would break irreparably if he walked away. A desperate, exaggerated feeling, no doubt, but it felt so real at that moment, so overwhelmingly true, that nothing else mattered. So I told him about my mom and my aunt, about my family. I had told him I needed a hiding place…

What comes next?

Harry rustled in his sleep and I found myself holding my breath before I could even realize, watching as he turned to lie on his back. It seemed like he was going to wake up at any minute now, and I still hadn’t chosen the feeling I should focus on. 

On one hand, I felt excited and giddy, the memory of the previous night vividly replaying in my mind. Last night, he was mine, he had stayed and I had slept in his arms; I also felt guilty and ashamed, tied up to a story I hadn’t chosen for myself. 

If I closed my eyes, I could see him, moving in all of his fury. I could hear the screams and the lies. I could never shake away the feeling that it was all my fault. I should have done something earlier. 

“Fuck,” I moaned, already feeling the ghosts as they circled me. I could see him, blazing up like a pure fire that wanted to burn everything that it could find. I could see her, making herself small, waiting for whatever was coming her way. Neither of them could see me. 

“Sof?” I heard Harry’s voice, but it sounded far away, more like a whisper making its way through a tangle of darkness. If I searched for it, if I reached for it…Harry looped one arm around my waist, and he must have thought that I was having a nightmare, cause he let his body wrap around mine to keep me warm and close. Safe. “It’s ok,” he whispered and I could hear his voice clearer now, even if it was sleepy. “I’m here, baby.”

I think he did it out of reflex, because his eyelids were still heavy with sleep, struggling to open, even when it was still dark around us. I quickly turned around, burying my face onto the crook of his neck and smiling when his hug became tighter and his fingers tangled in my knotty hair. 

He still smelled fresh from the shower and his skin was cold to the touch, so I sighed as I kissed his shoulder and neck, and I felt comfort when his lips met mine in a lazy, soft kiss.  

“Were you having a bad dream?” He asked, once sleep had faded away. I could see the outline of his face and could feel the touch of his fingers as he brushed them up my waist and to my back. It was soothing, but the ache was still there, bringing me down and suffocating me. 

“No,” I said with a raspy voice that I could barely recognize as mine. I cleared my throat and blinked away the tears that were brimming my eyes so he wouldn’t notice them. “I was awake. Sorry for waking you up.”

“It’s ok.” I could hear the smile in his voice, which was tinted with a sweet hint that settled underneath my skin and made me feel warm, my own heart forgetting about rhythm and beating. “Are you ok?”

“Now that you’re awake, I am.”

“Good, baby. I’m here for you,” Harry whispered. He brushed his lips over my forehead and pressed a soft kiss there, one that told me more than words could. “Wanna tell me what happened? You were so tense.”

“H..." I hesitated. How did I explain it to him? How did I tell him what I had done? That I didn't regret it? “Do you really want to know?” I asked him. I pushed myself away from him, rolling away from his arms to sit on the bed. He did the same, sitting by my side as he propped himself up on the pillows. This wasn’t how I imagined the morning after, and I bet it wasn’t like he had imagined it either.

“Yes!” He said, which was exactly the answer I was dreading. “You don’t have to, Sof, but you can always tell me if something’s upsetting you.”

“I...I didn’t want you to go yesterday. I wanted you to stay,” I said, trying to earn myself some time to articulate my thoughts. “So I told you some things that I’ve never said to anyone before. And I’m feeling guilty and afraid of what you might think.”

“Ok,” he said, which was not nearly enough, but it prompted me to continue. 

“And I feel the desperate need to tell you that my dad wasn’t always bad, that I had a pony, and on Fridays, I could eat way too much sugar. I don’t want you to think…” I stopped because I needed to gulp back my tears. My mom and I, we’re strong people.”

“I know.”

“And I don’t want you to think any different about me.”

“Why would I, Sof?” Why would he? Because I kept telling myself that I did what I had to do, but I’m lying. At that moment, all I felt was rage, not survival. I wanted to hurt him, make him suffer for what he had done, even if just a bit. I wanted to kill him. But I didn’t. “C’mere,” Harry said, and his fingers found mine and squeezed them lightly as he laced them together. So I obeyed and breathed him in as he pulled me into a tight hug. “You’re safe, I promise.”

“I know.”

“Good,” he breathed and his body noticeably relaxed, even though I don’t think either of us even had realized he was holding his breath in. 

If anything, it made the butterflies in my tummy rise and flutter. 

****

Kacey Musgraves and Harry Styles reunited yesterday, on the last date of her Oh, What a World: Tour II, to sing “Space Cowboy” from her hit album Golden Hour. The heartfelt performance was received with cheers from the audience. At the end of the song, Styles praised her former tour partner, calling her one of his favorites. It was a breathtaking moment.

Eagle-eyed fans, however, also noticed a special guest that was not announced, and that tried to blend in with the crowd: Styles’ on-and-off rumored girlfriend Sofia Welsh-De la Rosa was seen in the crowd during the duet performance, along with her agent and some friends. Does this mean a confirmation of the romance? Not quite, as she stayed to enjoy the concert even after he left the stage and was nowhere to be seen during the closing party. Was it just a coincidence? Is Welsh a stalker? Fans have been weighing in on Twitter, but the question remains: If Sofia Welsh gets ghosted, what hope do I have? Below you’ll find some of the most relatable comments…

****

It all started innocently, sitting next to him on the couch to cuddle while he reviewed the plan for his next single. It was all laid out in an e-mail, with wardrobe ideas and stage mockups. A glimpse of his screen was enough to catch my attention, as I saw what looked like a fisherman island and a couple of lively-looking fishes. 

“What’s the song about?” I asked him, peering up at him as my head rested on his shoulder. I had to ask, there were fish involved!

“Well...you. It’s about you.” Harry smiled and I saw him blush a little while he avoided looking me in the eyes.

“No, really, tell me!”

“It’s about you, Sof. What makes you think I’m joking?”

“Why would you write a song about me? Is it about how annoying I am?” I grinned and I propped myself up with one hand, so I could look him in the eyes while we talked. It was funny, ‘cause I knew about the song, he had told me the night of our date, which seemed like ages ago. But now, my brain was going into overdrive, and I stared at him as he leaned closer and let his lips brush over a kiss over my forehead. 

“It’s about how much I like you,” he said, and this time, he met my eyes while I stared at him stupidly. 

“Is that the surprise you told me about? I would’ve thought you had pulled it from the album after everything that’s happened these last few weeks.”

“I did try, but Jeff told me to go fuck myself.” I didn’t know if he was joking. The quick smile on his lips disappeared as Harry looked at me. “And I wrote them for you, it’s only fair you get to listen to them.”

“Can I? Listen to it, I mean...” 

“As long as you don’t tell Jeff to pull it from the album, I think we can do that.”

“I promise I won’t.”

The few seconds he took to look for the song seemed like an eternity, that I spent with my heart pounding in my ears and my eyes fixed on his phone screen. There were tons of songs there, and while some had a proper title, most were named with just a word or a date. I watched him go to a list called FL, and there, he scrolled down to the bottom, before pressing play on a song named “Adore You”. 

As the first few notes started to play, I went quiet and let Harry pull me into a cuddle. Once again, I was lying next to him, with my head resting on his chest, and I could feel the steadiness of his heart, and the warm touch of his fingers as they pressed to my waist. 

“Walk in your rainbow paradise…”

His voice was rich and soothing and it made my heartache in a way I didn’t know it was capable of. I listened to it, focusing on the words and the melody. I wanted to decipher every bit of it, every intention, every hint, tear it apart, and build it up again second by second. 

Harry was smiling when I looked at him, almost shyly and apologetically, like telling me how sorry he was for putting me in the spotlight. 

But I loved it. 

“Play it again”, I whispered when the song came to an end, as I looked up at him. Harry smiled in satisfaction, a little cocky grin, as he put the song on repeat. He then shifted on the couch, sitting up so I could straddle him. His hands went to my back and held my waist as mine looped around his shoulders.

“Did you like it?” Harry managed to ask between my kisses, lips pressing softly to his own, his cheek, his jaw, his nose. 

“I did. I loved it,” I giggled as I looked for his neck to kiss him there. I wondered how many times we would listen to the song before I was satisfied. Many, I had to guess. 

“Good…” Harry smiled and broke the kiss apart to look at me in the eyes. “I love you, Sof.”

I froze, stopping my frantic mission to kiss every available inch of his body, and I slowly brought my hands to my lap, as I looked at him, forgetting how to breathe. 

“You don’t have to say it back,” Harry breathed with a light laugh. “I know you have feelings for Sam, so it’s ok if you have to think about it. I just wanted to let you know… I’m yours if you want me, Sof....and even if you don’t.”

“What…” I started, but words kept failing to form in my lips, just as much as they failed to organize coherently in my brain. There was so much I wanted to say, many things I could tell him, but instead, I pressed myself to him, hugging him tight to my body until our breaths mixed, and it wasn’t too clear whose heartbeat was louder. 

“It’s ok. It’s ok, Sof, you don’t have to say anything,” Harry whispered reassuringly, so I did the only thing I knew I could do, I kissed him. 

Right then, it was easy to see how everything had changed from the night before, or even a few minutes ago. Now his touch felt different, filled with the memories of the night before. He knew my body better than I did. It was his to explore, to taste, and touch, and he did so. Everything, including the kiss, was slow but intense, soft and sweet but so fucking hungry.  

“I love you, Sof.” I kept replaying it in my mind, with all of its letters, one by one. Like a gospel, a moment of prayer to calm the soul. 

Harry made his way down to my collarbones, and he trailed his kisses down to the valley of my chest, where he stopped, and let his fingers curl around the cups of my bra to push it down. The warmth on his breath rose goosebumps all over my skin and I moaned quietly as he wrapped his lips around my nipple and sucked on it. It felt so good, but still, anticipation was boiling in my tummy, demanding more. I wanted to feel his tongue, his warm breath, the drowned moans. I wanted them to echo down my body until I had no more choice but to cry out in pleasure. It was a delicious, bubbly feeling that clouded my mind, only leaving space for Harry.

I was so sensitive, all raw skin and prickly nerves, the slightest touch sent a shiver up my spine and made me arch my back and moan.

I was too aware of the light touch of his hand brushing down my stomach and sliding underneath my panties. I could see a flash of a smile before he went to pay attention to my other nipple, sucking harder on it as he grazed his finger around my clit. 

“Fuck,” I moaned, trying to relax as the sharp pain of my soreness took over my senses for just a second. But it didn’t escape Harry, who stopped right away to look at me with a worried glint in his eyes. 

“Are you sore, Sof?” He asked, and to my despair he pulled his hand away, placing it on my leg instead with a light squeeze. 

“A bit,” I said, almost apologetically. “But we can still do it.”

“It’s ok,” Harry smiled. “There’s no rush. We can just kiss.”

“We’re going back to L.A. tomorrow, and you’ll be off to London by the end of the week, so at least I’m in a rush. I’ve already wasted a lot of time.”

“So, what are you suggesting? That we should fuck non-stop now?”

“Yes!!” I laughed. “You should fuck me.”

“I want you to enjoy it,” Harry said and he hugged me closer to his chest. The sentiment was appreciated and I had no doubt he actually meant it, but that didn’t mean I had to make it easy for him. His tummy tightened as my fingers brushed over his tanned skin, the slight swell of his pecs, the muscles on his abs, and a low moan escaped his reluctant lips as I shifted on his lap, and rolled my hips for him. He was getting hard, maybe because of all of the feverish kisses we had shared, and I felt the sharp bite of his nails as they dug on the round of my ass. “So it feels good for you. It kinda hurts my ego if you don’t.” he smiled. His hands pressed tightly to my hips, stopping me from making any movement. “And I owe you one from last night.”

“I enjoyed last night, it was perfect.”

“Really?” Harry asked, his smiling lighting up his cute face when he looked at me. “I always thought our first time was gonna be fucking special, like a hotel in Paris looking at the tower, or something like that.”

“You thought about our first time?”

“I did, it got me through the nights,” he said. His touch had no urgency other than to feel me close and feel the warmth of my skin under the tips of his fingers. 

“Good to know I’m on your mind, then.”

“All the fucking time, didn’t you listen to the song?”

So engulfed we were in each other that we had missed the sound of the door opening or that of the soft steps that followed it.

“H, why did you change rooms? Listen, man, if I have to listen to Diana nag me because of you...oh, fuck! I’m sorry,” a male voice exclaimed, going from very confused and slightly annoyed to sincerely apologetic. I scrambled to the couch to cover myself with the pillows, while Harry remained seated, calmly looking at his friend. 

Jeff was holding what seemed like a bakery paper bag, and 4 tall coffees. He set them down on the little table in front of the couch and cleared his throat while he clearly avoided looking at me. Without saying a word, Harry stood up and walked to the room, and came back after he had dressed, and holding a shirt he offered to me. It only took him seconds, but it felt like an eternity, and Jeff and I were awkward enough to make it evident. 

“I thought you had left for L.A., Sof. Diana told me you did,” Jeff said, now that I had put on the shirt, and he was free to look at me. He sat down on one corner of the couch and picked up Harry’s phone to stop the music. The room felt too silent without it.

“I decided not to go.”

“Good,” he smiled. Both of us were looking at Harry, as he smiled at me. He was our only connection, after all, and I had a nagging feeling that Jeff did not like me all that much. “Does Diana know?”

“That I stayed?”

“With Harry, yeah,” Jeff pressed.

“I haven’t told her, no.”

“Ok, we might want to do that,” he smiled too kindly. I would have felt overwhelmed by the, how does the song go? Oh, yes, bad moon a-rising feeling of his words, but at that moment, Jeff leaned over the table and started fixing breakfast in front of us: buttery and flaky croissants, little pastries filled with chocolate and raspberries, cinnamon swirls and avocado and eggs toast. The sugary and buttery smell took over my well-intentioned anxiety. It kept me on top of things most of the time, never too surprised when things went wrong. 

“How many people did you invite for breakfast?” I asked him. 

“Well, Diana is coming. Yesterday she told me you were leaving and that you guys were probably moving on, so I told her to meet me this morning.”

“Moving on from what?” Harry asked his friend as he picked two croissants and offered me one. Mine had red stripes, so I guessed it must’ve had some kind of strawberry or raspberry filling. He picked a chocolate one for himself and set it apart on the table, grabbing a cup of coffee first. 

“I’m gonna take a wild guess, and say you, they’re moving on from you.”

The croissant was still warm and I held it in my hand like it was a war grenade, ready to blow off. Could I eat it? The short answer was no. The long answer was more complicated than that, but it also ended in a no. My tummy grumbled, it had been long since the last time I had really eaten or felt hungry, so it took me a couple of seconds to realize what was going on around me, like the fact that both Harry and Jeff were looking at me as if I was fucking crazy. Perhaps I was. 

“Are you having a meltdown over a croissant?” Harry asked, and the mocking hint that laced in his voice stung. Oh, he didn’t understand. 

“I’m on a diet, and I need to be because otherwise, they might not give me the role.”

“They already did, that’s why you’re training like a crazy person.”

“They can still say that I don’t look good in a latex suit, because who fucking does? And take the role away from me,” I tried explaining, as I leaned over the table to put the croissant down and pick a black coffee.

“They won’t,” Harry said as he picked it up back again and offered it to me. “I promise. You’re the queen right now, and everyone’s in love with you. And if they choose to take the role away from you, they’re assholes anyway,” he continued, with a sweet smile on his face. I took the napkin and leaned back on the couch as I took a bite out of the croissant.

“Good,” Jeff exclaimed, reminding us that we were not alone in the room. “Now, do we talk about Sofia wanting to move on, or do we just ignore it?”

“I, uh, I don’t want to move on.”

“Ok, so I’ll talk to Diana,” Jeff nodded. “I’ll do it soon, so you guys don’t have time to change your fucking minds.”

“Thanks, Jeff,” I smiled at him. He didn’t like me, oh, not at all, but he wasn’t doing it for me. So he shrugged, and took a pastry for himself, to eat it with his coffee. 

Maybe we had said Diana’s name too many times, because there she was, closing the door behind her. She couldn’t see me, but I saw her, with her green dress with white flowers on. She was holding a plastic bowl of fruit and a holder with 3 tall coffees and she walked into the room and towards us without noticing me. When she did, a frown etched between her brows, and her eyes danced from Harry to me.

“You didn’t leave. Good, we need to talk.” Diana said as if nothing could surprise her anymore. She walked to me and picked up the piece of croissants I had left in my hands and put them down on the table, before she sat down next to Jeff, with a bright, satisfied smile on her face. “You can’t eat that. Actually, we might need to go even more strict. Dior wants you for their new campaign and Rihanna is wondering if you’d like to model some underwear. I said yes to both.” She waited for the ovation. I could see that she was holding herself from clapping in excitement. But we all remained silent, and she slowly calmed herself down, looking at me as if I was the one that didn’t understand, which was a fair assumption; I didn’t understand. 

“It means people know you can sell, Sof. We can ask for more money. We can ask you to be one of the top earners in the Marvel Universe. The top earner in every other movie you make,” she said, giddily. “Now, Dior wants you to shoot their campaign with one of their most iconic dresses. It’s a size zero, and they’ll stretch it to a size two, a tight one. So, we need to cut down a bit.”

A bit. 

“Why don’t they just stretch it a little more?” Harry asked. 

“Because it’s an iconic dress, I just said it, Harry,” Diana snapped. 

“That’s bullshit, Diana,” Harry said, and even though he was smiling, there was a hint of anger in his voice. He was annoyed and he didn’t feel like hiding it. 

“Oh, you think you know what us women…”

I couldn’t take it. I knew I should have said something, perhaps side with Harry and tell Diana that I wasn’t interested, but it was all too much. So I did what I know how to do best: I got up and left, walking to my room to hide from both of them and closing the door behind me. I sat on the corner of the bed and let out a shaky sigh. I wasn’t alone for too long. Harry entered the room and he cautiously walked to me and sat down by my side. The bed wobbled a little and I looked at him for a second before going back to look down to the floor.  

“Are you ok, love?” He asked. 

“I just started having sex,” I said. 

“I am aware,” he replied. 

“So, all of this talk about my body...it fucking sucks, especially because you’re there and you can listen to all of it, and…”

“And what?”

“Realize I don’t look good in a catsuit.”

“Do you want to see me in a catsuit? I don’t think I’d look good either,” He offered, and I laughed, despite everything, because that was the thing about Harry, he made everything better. 

“Would you put on a catsuit for me?” 

“I’d do anything for you, Sof...Come with me to London, let’s forget about this whole thing.”

“I can’t, H. I have to train and follow this diet, and be camera ready.”

“I promise I’ll keep you busy,” he said.

“Yeah? How?”

He did exactly what I expected him to do, he kissed me, his fingers pressing softly to the back of my neck, while his tongue swept my bottom lip. It was a lavish kiss, slow and intense. It made me forget that there were people in the other room, and to shift on the bed until I was sitting on his lap, with my legs on each side of his body. His hands started their journey on the upper part of my back, under my shirt, and he ran the tip of his fingers down the length of my spine. Every inch of skin he touched set on fire and reminded me how alive I was and all that I was capable of feeling because of him. 

“Please,” I muttered against his lips as his fingers got to the round of my ass, and he dug them and kneaded on my skin. 

“Please what?” He smiled. 

“Please whatever you want…”

“You need me, baby?”

“I need you, I want you…”

“Can you be quiet for me?” 

“Yes, I can try. Please.”

****

The plot thickens: Harry Styles and Sofia Welsh were seen leaving his hotel in Nashville together, where the singer was staying after he performed in Kacey Musgraves’ concert. The stars, who haven’t confirmed the status of their relationship, went out to grab lunch with a group of friends, including Musgraves herself, and then left for the airport together. 

This outing comes as a disappointment for Logan Lerman fans, who have started shipping him with the actress, as they are both set to work together in Amazon’s new show...

#Harry Styles #harry styles writing #harry styles one shot #harry styles smut #harry styles fluff #harry styles fanfic #1dff #harry styles fanfiction #hiiiiiiiiiii

[weepinglevi]

whos your favorite fic writer/moots and why? Got any recommendations?

first off: pls know that if you're not listed here it doesn't mean i don't like you or your work, it simply means that i have a pea sized brain. love all of u. keep on writing. i really don't want anyone to feel bad (ask nia, i've been crying to her about it).

secondly: i'm not referring to them as my "favourite" cos i can't pick favourites, never really could. maybe that's why i'm simping for so many aot men at once ahaha.

and last but not least: this is going to be a long post so i'mma do all of us the favour and put it under the cut. i feel very soft today and have been listening to the titanic soundtrack for the better half of my day. bear with me, i'mma shower you with love. go check them out!

CHECK THE DNI TAGS ON THESE BLOGS BEFORE READING OR FOLLOWING, PLEASE!

this is in no particular order.

@kojinnie: my queen of angst. the other half of the princess-duo (i came to the conclusion that we're both princesses, we deserve to hang around in pretty dresses and have the time of our lives). especially dream me home still haunts my dreams. i love how you captured the pain and fear both of them feel. and i kind of view it as the start of our friendship, what with both of us writing about the mission to retake wall maria and you jumping into my dms after the fact. love you, kojin, and i only wish you the best.

@starrynightlys: shield-maiden claire. beautiful, talented, funny claire. i love you and i am so happy to have found you here, i really am. i know i've told you this multiple times but whenever i see you on my dash - either fighting off the floch anon or you posting memes, there's a big fat grin on my face. apart from your absolutely mesmerising presence, there's also one work in particular i always come back to: the beginning of forever. you are my source of happy levi content. when the world turns dark and i want him to be happy, i turn to this fic and to your blog in general. love you and i am dreaming of us listening to some good music in a park sometime soon!

@snkslush: luv! my first tumblr wife! this alone has gotten you a very special place in my heart ahah. i love the energy you have - whenever i see you on my dash i feel happy and it's because of how you interact with others. it's like i've known you since forever because of how easily i can talk to you. and reading your filthy thoughts about connie has set off my connie brainrot more than once ahaha.

your headcanons on how the aot boys react when their s/o tells them they want to be railed and also the follow-up still has me drooling. fucking love them. so accurate as well and i'm a slut for everyone ahha

@aotwrites: my lil sunflower. lil sis, you have no idea how happy you truly make me. i love the lil talks we have and i still remember the message you sent me when you were half-asleep, i always giggle when reading it ahah. just know that if you ever want, you can come up to me and ask me weird stuff lil sisters normally ask their bigger sisters. not that i have any good advice to give, but i have a lot of reaction pics to send!

it's very hard for me to pick out one of your fics to recommend - like i said, i have a problem with choosing favourites. but if i absolutely had to, it'd be all of the stars. cried my way through it. will cry again when i reread it. i cry a lot in general.

@arumiee: mars, i know we haven't talked much but our conversation about nurse!armin yesterday is still running around in my head. i can't wait to read about either armin or eren in scrubs, istg. you're so kind and happy-go-lucky, i usually feel nervous when tagging someone on a post but with you yesterday? no problem at all. you give me a sense of safety ahaha (pls don't think i'm weird, i'm actually not. or, yes, i am but in a good way). your purify me had me wanting to take a bath in holy water after reading it. preferably a bath with eren. i guess we're both headed to hell ahaha

@odmlevis: rizrizrizrizriz. i'm laughing right now because all i think of is our last conversation and it's hard to gather my thoughts whenever my mind goes to eren and reiner. or eren and jean - or jean and connie ahaha. i'll have all of them with me in the middle, pretty please.

but back to topic: your the most hurtful things they'd say to you still has my heart breaking. absolutely broken into pieces. because somehow you managed to put all of my worst fears into it. i don't know why i reread it on the regular (i do know, i'm a sucker for pain). other than that, i'm always so happy when i read your messages and when i see you out and about, making others happy with your lil "someone told me to tell you something"-thing you do so often. you're so precious, lemme smooch you.

@onyxoverride: onyx istg your blog is the place i go to if i am down bad. down bad bad. i know we rarely talk and me saying your blog is the place i take my horniness to might come off as weird but it's the truth. i even have problems with picking a favourite because goddamn they're all so good?? what is your secret? if there's a reason for me to go to hell (other than mars' purify me) it's gonna be because of ocean spit. do i have to elaborate further? eren's titan form is fucking hot and thank you for this delicious meal ahha. i am getting all flustered rn just by looking at the lil pic on top of your fic. i will see myself out now. love u onyx you are cool as hell (and i'm nervous as fuck - you're sitting at the cool kids' table in my head ahah - that's why i am so silent around u)

@1252291: and now to you. connie 2 my sasha. erwin smiths ball whore. twIN FLAME, LIGHT OF MY LIFE. buckle up cos we're in for a wild ride. i was debating whether or not to post every of your fics here, because i love all of them so much. i came up with a better idea tho: here's your masterlist. i will talk about two of your works in particular later on, but first you're gonna have to endure me violently showering you with kisses and love.

i haven't told you this before (shocking, i know) but ever since we started talking, i feel like i have a real-life friend again. i haven't had friends in a while and i am so fucking thankful to have you. i really am. i even told my therapist about you because he asked why i am so happy all of a sudden? newsflash: it's because of you.

usually, it was insomnia keeping me up at night but now it's because i am talking to you. and you have no idea how fucking great it feels to wake up in the morning and feel tired; not because some shitty thoughts kept me awake but because i was talking to a friend. i will forever love you for this. you've been there when i was at one of the darkest and loneliest stages of my life and lit up the fucking room with your personality and humour. thank you for being my light. for giving me the same feeling i have when rewatching lord of the rings. for being you. i will stop now but you know i will keep on loving you on main until i take my last breath.

now to your works. falling in love and stay forever. i think you already knew that these are the ones i hold dearest. i still think about felix and rue. i love felix and rue and my heart hurts when thinking of them. your way with words has characters coming to life and touching your heart in a way i've never experienced before. like i said, it felt like those are my friend who died. my fingers running through levi's hair, trying to make his endless pain go away. i am crying again. thank you for creating this. if you ever find the books you've written (or write a new one) i will buy a copy. or ten. have to have some to give away so i can promote your work.

i love u connie 2 my sasha. i really do.

#not me being soft on main #that's a new one ahah #recs

[jawritter]

Save Me

Summary: It’s hard to be the hero, especially when no one saves you. 

Warnings: Cannon level Dean Winchester depression. Mentions and hints of drug use, Alcohol abuse and excessive drinking, language, self loathing, maybe a hint of jealous!Dean? Dean’s in a very dark place in this fic, and it’s a tear jerker. 

Paring: Dean Winchester x Reader

Word Count: 2013

A/N: This fic was based on the song Save Me, by Jelly Roll. The lyrics are in Italics. This fic was also beta’d by @miss-nerd95! Thanks so much hun! Please do not copy my work! I hope you all enjoy this one! 

Want More? Check my Masterlist!!! Want even more? Become a patreon, and as little for two dollars a month you can get exclusive fics first!!

**MASTERLIST**       ***BECOME A PATREON***

Somebody save me Me from myself I've spent so long Living in hell

Dean twisted the cap off of another bottle and downed the contents of the warm alcohol quick enough to make himself a little tipsy, and that alone felt like an accomplishment. He could hear Elieen and Sam in the room just down the hall from him, and honestly, it made him sick. 

It wasn't  that he disliked Elieen. In fact, he was the one that told Sam to go for it. She knew what they did, understood their lifestyle because she herself was a hunter and if Sam had a chance at being happy, who was he to tell him otherwise. It was more than Dean himself felt he’d ever have, or even deserve. 

He supposed this was the price of being the 'hero'. The guy who saved everyone's  ass. Why couldn't he be the one getting saved for once?

Eileen’s laughter cut through the silence  of the Bunker and drifted into Dean’s room where he pulled the covers up over his head to try and block  the sound. 

He was tired of living this way, but once he got drunk enough to not feel the lonely ache in his chest, he guessed it would stop mattering then. Then he could carry on with this shit-storm of a life he’d been reduced too. People thought Hell was lonely, turns out it was pretty much the same topside too.

They say my lifestyle is bad for my health It's the only thing that seems to help All of this drinking and smoking is hopeless but feel like it's all that I need Something inside of me is broken, I hold onto anything that sets me free

“Dean, you're getting too old to drink like that, man,” Sam said from his side of the table in the library where he and Eileen had taken up residence to look for another hunt. Dean hoped they’d fucking find one because he was tired of sitting here looking at them and just twiddle  his thumbs.

His liver desperately wanted him to find something to do with himself as well, not just keep on damaging it, and seemed to be screaming at him pretty loud this morning. 

“I’m fine, Sam. I quit the hard stuff a long time ago. I just need some sleep. Come get me if you guys come up with a hunt.” 

He got up and slid the chair back with more force than needed, but he hated it when Sam tried to butt in his life and tell him what he should and shouldn’t be doing. It’s easy to say shit like that when you don’t have to wake up to a cold bed every morning. 

Dean was just like everyone else. He craved companionship that didn’t come from some one night stand he picked up at a bar. He wanted a family, hell, he wanted to have kids someday. There goes that opportunity when you're in your forties and too damn broken to even get through the night without alcohol. 

“So much for being a good father figure,” Dean snorted to himself as he flopped down on his bed, letting the silence that stood in his room carve him deeper than any torturer from Hell could conjure up, or any wound his body had ever endured. 

Dean’s eyes drifted over to the almost empty bottle of Tennessee Whiskey on his nightstand, and he let out a huff. He would never tell Sam about the dime bag he kept in the hiding place under the floorboard of Baby for when things got really bad and he knew that he should stop doing this shit to himself, but it was the only relief he seemed to get sometimes. Today seemed like one of those days.

I'm a lost cause Baby, don't waste your time on me I'm so damaged beyond repair Life has shattered my hopes and my dreams I'm a lost cause Baby, don't waste your time on me I'm so damaged beyond repair Life has shattered my hopes and my dreams

Dean picked up his phone that was lying next to him on the bed, and somehow he started to dial your number, just like he’d done a thousand times over the years. It felt like a lifetime since he’d last seen you, but he always kept your phone number and would even dial it on occasion to just hear you say “hello” before he would quickly hang up. 

But he couldn’t do that to you, he couldn’t put you in the kind of danger his life seemed to be saturated in.  Besides there was no hope for someone like him, and if he thought he was fucked up years ago when he’d first meet you on that hunt in Wichita? Well, fuck if he wasn’t more in deep shit now than he’d ever been. 

Dean was sure you’d moved on by now anyway, he wasn’t going to waste your time on him. He was a lost cause. A shattered, broken shell of the former hunter when he was 28. Now it was all an act and a brave face until he could get stoned enough to get numb to not give a damn, because Dean fucking Winchester wasn’t allowed to feel. And as a result, he never did .

What if the night sky was missing the moon? And there were no shooting stars, to use wishing on you And all of my sorrows, I just wash them down It’s the only peace I've ever found. All of this drinking and smoking is hopeless but feel like it's all that I need Something inside of me is broken, I hold onto anything that sets me free

Dean didn't stop until he was tired of driving, but it was better than being in that Bunker with the couple fucking happy in love. He found himself in probably another state, but fuck if he even knew which one, they all looked the same after so many years on the road. A joint burning slowly in one hand, a bottle of cheap whiskey in another, and his back stretched out on Baby’s sleek, black hood. Nothing out there between him and all of his past years of regret but the stars, and the moon that shined out over the body of water he was parked in front of.

He was starting to feel the effects of his self-medication, and he knew he’d end up spending the night out here-which wasn’t much of a problem for him. At least it was quiet, peaceful even. That or he was just shit-faced enough to drown out the voices in his head that were screaming at him louder than usual that he would die alone, just like his father. Chasing his demons. 

If this little bit of pot and that little bit of alcohol gave him a little earlier out without having to actually pull the trigger? Well, fuck he’d take that too. He deserved nothing less than to die stoned, drunk, and probably in his own vomit. So much for being a hero. At this point though, he was pretty positive that heroes didn’t get saved. 

When the alcohol had run out and he had to lean against a tree to take a piss, he decided that he’d go crawl in the backseat and try to sleep it off so that he could play the hero one more day. That was, if he woke up

When he had flopped across the leather seats of the only real home he’d ever known, he pulled his phone out of his pocket and dialed the number he was pretty sure he’d never forget. It rang and rang until he was just about to say fuck it, and hang up when you finally answered the phone. 

“Hello?”

Dean’s breath hitched in his throat, and he knew that he should've just hung up but for some reason, he couldn’t. He couldn’t stand the ache in his own chest any longer.

“Hello?” your voice said again as one silent tear slipped down his cheek onto the leather seat underneath him.

“Y/N, It’s Dean… I-uh, I’m sorry to call you so late.”

You could have heard a pin drop as your own heart picked up pace, your mind racing a thousand miles a minute. 

“Dean? Damn it’s been years. I thought you were dead!” you tell him in disbelief, sitting down on the concrete steps outside of your little house. His face still was a clear picture in your mind, the night he’d left you felt like it was yesterday as it was all those years ago. 

“Not dead yet, Sweetheart,”  Dean laughed almost humorlessly. It was too late to hang up now, so he could either lie to her, or he could tell the truth, he could tell her how lonely he really was and how much he regretted the day he’d left her all those years ago. “I’m-uh… I’m thinking about coming by and seeing you for a few days. It’s been a long time, and I just… God Y/N, I just really want to see you again.”

Your mouth fell open in shock. You could tell he’d been drinking by the slurred speech, but it was almost as if you could hear the cry for help in his voice. 

“You know you're always welcome here Dean. I told you years ago, and it still stands today, you can always come home.”

Dean swallowed the lump in his throat as the tears started to flow freely down his face now. “So you never moved on? No, Mr Right?” Dean tried to sound like he was joking, but honestly, he just felt like he sounded weak. Still, he had to know. 

“No Dean, I told you-it was you, and it would always be you,” you said, drying tears of your own away with the sleeve of your shirt. “I still love you, Dean, I always will. No matter how dangerous you say it is.”

Dean was about to hang up and tell you it was a mistake, but you had to go and say that. The internal battle was still raging inside of him, but dammit if he wasn’t tired of fighting it.

I'm a lost cause Baby, don't waste your time on me I'm so damaged beyond repair Life has shattered my hopes and my dreams I'm a lost cause Baby, don't waste your time on me I'm so damaged beyond repair Life has shattered my hopes and my dreams

You talked to Dean until he had passed out with the promise he’d see you in the morning. He told you over and over again that you should hang up on him, that you should rightfully tell him to fuck off, but you refused to. So now you stood pacing the front porch of the address you had texted to his phone last night. Praying, hoping that you’d see that beautiful black Impala that haunted your dreams pull down your driveway. 

Some of the things that he’d told you last night that he’d been through were horrific and you knew he wasn’t the same man he was all those years ago, but you also knew he still had the same soul. He saved you all those years ago, and now, it was your turn to save him. 

You didn’t breathe easily until you heard Baby’s engine purr and saw her coming down your street. It took all you had not to run to meet him halfway, and when he got out of the car, he said nothing, just wrapped his arms around you and pulled you tight into him-like you were a lifeline, and if he let you go, he’d never surface again. Little did you know that it was exactly what he felt.

“You’re home Dean,” you told him through broken sobs of your own mixed with his. 

And he was. Finally, someone decided he might just be worth saving too, and he was glad that it was you.

Forever Tags: @deanwanddamons @rvgrsbrns @bi-danvers0 @onethirstyunicorn @i-love-superhero @akshi8278 @lyss-dw79 @magssteenkamp @lemondropirwin @squirrelnotsam @hobby27 @spnbaby-67 @mrsjenniferwinchester @defenderrosetyler @screechingartisancashbailiff @thecreatiivecorner  @aflamboyanceofgays @vicmc624 @busy-bee-angel-misska @justanotherwinchester @brilovesdeanwinchester @idksupernatural @lyarr24 @amandamdiehl @love-jackles-37-blog @miraclesoflove @waywardsistershy @emoryhemsworth @dean-winchesters-gardian-angel @softsebastian @tatted-trina6​ @deanmonandnegansbitch​ @hayleeharling​   @flamencodiva​ @coldmuffinbanditshoe​ @bxbyizzy​ @rain-dance-goblin​ @itmejado​ @supernatural3002​

#Dean Winchester #Dean Winchester x Reader #Dean Winchester x You #Dean Winchester fanficiton #Dean winchester fanfic #dean winchester cannon #dean x reader #dean x you #jealous!dean #hurt!dean #sad!dean #spn fanfiction #spn fanfic #spn #jensen ackles #save me #jawritter #x reader inserts

[kinetic-elaboration]

March 15: Odd Day

Gonna have to write this quick because my computer is desperate to update and I guess it’s going to do it now and I can’t run from it any longer.

Today was a supremely weird day. Last night I had the worst nightmare of my life. I dreamed a black shadow person was grabbing me, and it felt very, very real. I had to wake myself up to free myself. I thought it was dawn but it was 2am. I managed to get back to sleep--and then I had even more bad dreams. Not as bad, but not good. They were filled with serial killers and violence.

So I felt really confused and uneasy when I woke up. I wanted to get to work for some people and normalcy, but it was a deaaaaad zone. Only one other person, my supervisor, was at work in my department. Half of full time circulation is on vacation this week. We have no student workers, and hardly any students/patrons, because it’s spring break. Thus I continued to feel... awkward and adrift.

It got better, sort of, later in that I kept getting pulled into conversations by the few people who were around. But then I also got less done than anticipated.

Also, I am very confused about the days of the week and the time. The time change didn’t mess me up as much as some people (because my schedule is already so bad lol) but it did a little bit, plus the light is just... around at the wrong times. Better times! But wrong. Also, I have moved completely to in person work, starting this week, so I came in on Monday. But I’m taking off Friday. So it’s still a 4-day library week, but different days. Thus I never know what day it is. Yesterday felt like Tuesday, today like Wednesday. Etc.

And I was in the middle of a let’s-make-plans-to-see-each-other convo with B yesterday when he just stopped responding so I’ve been checking my phone every 0.5 seconds looking for an answer and that’s just mentally/emotionally exhausting.

It was really nice out today but I got a ride home anyway, with a co-worker who doesn’t usually work on Tuesdays, just to confuse me more, and picked up an early dinner on the way. It was good but I think it’s sitting weirdly in my stomach. Idk. I’m a little afraid to sleep but I’m also very tired so hopefully my brain will be nicer to me tonight. I gotta get up tomorrow, and then go grocery shopping after work. So I need that energy.

#the year 2022 #2022: rl

[mrs-dynamight]

Be Nice To Me 4

Part 3

*************************************************

Pairing: Katsuki Bakugou x fem!Reader, Denki Kaminari x fem!Reader

Warnings: Eventual mature content, angst, hurt/comfort, love triangle, the reader is lowkey toxic, everything will be adressed in every episode (:

Chapter warning: Just a single curse word.

Chapter: 4/? I'm sorry, this is going to be long :c but I just loooove writing it

Synopsis: You're in love with your best friend Bakugou, and you're cofessing to him but things get a lot more complicated when Denki starts to treat you different *wink wink*

Word count: 1.6k

Author's note: This is a little bit shorter, but it's pure fluff, and the next one is going to be so long they will compensate eachother, hope you enjoy it!

Chapter 4 Bloom- The Paper Kites

I was floating in cloud nine, everything I have ever dreamt of suddenly became true, there he was, the boy of my dreams liking me back, what else could’ve I asked for? Maybe a little more time together before he’s gone.

The doubts in my heart were getting more difficult to ignore with every passing minute, we came back to the dorms like two hours ago but I was incapable of going to bed, let alone trying to sleep, there was so much to think about, were we a couple? I’ve never had a boyfriend, I don’t know how these things are supposed to work, we like each other, that’s all that it takes right? A long-distance relationship? I’ve heard that those never work, or should we wait for him to come back to make it official? Aren’t we already official? We’ve kissed, like a lot, there was even some tongue; ugh those thoughts made me feel so embarrassed.

The light of my home screen lightly illuminated the room, and with my blushed cheeks I went to check who was messaging me, it was Kaminari, I opened the text that reads “R u awake? I had a nightmare and I really could use a hug from my bestie rn” followed by five crying emojis; “See you in the place” said my reply, the place was this empty service room in the rooftop of the dorms, nobody ever used it for anything so it is completely empty, we made a copy of the key one day that we had to clean the entire dorms because a certain yellow-haired guy decide to play “potions” in chemistry class, and since then it’s been our hiding place, it had everything that we needed, a lot of junk food, fairy lights, a portable speaker, blankets and an Opossum holding a cigarette poster in one wall; whenever one of us needed a break from the outside world we came here, this is our safe space.

I opened the door to the place and saw Denki standing there, he looked so tiny and vulnerable, I hugged him instantly, the dim fairy lights in the opossum wall made his facial features even prettier, it was obvious he had been crying, I didn’t asked any question and he didn’t said anything, we just hugged for what it seemed like hours, with a heavy sight he pulled apart and give me smile

-Thanks Y/N I really needed that- Said Denki with his hand in my cheek and his eyes fixed in some point between us

-They’re back, aren’t they? - I asked with concern

He nodded and lied in one of our blankets in the floor, I did the same, we both were looking at the glow in the dark stars glued to the celling not saying a single word, he held my hand and started to cry

-Why do they keep coming back? I don’t wanna be afraid anymore- I knew exactly what he meant, he had a recurrent nightmare, a big fight against villains, every one of us dying in awful ways, he is always the last one to die, and before that there is always someone telling him that he is the weakest of us, that this was all his fault for not being enough.

-Your mind is playing tricks on you, you are not weak, I know I’ve told you that a gazillion times, but I’m willing to do it a million more, all the times you need it, I’m here, we are all safe and sound, you have nothing to worry about- Anytime the nightmares come back I make sure Denki knows he’s just as strong as any of our other classmates, that he’s smart and capable of being a great hero.

-I want to be able to protect you, I don’t want you to die- Said Denki facing me and locking his eyes with my own.

-I promise you, I’m not going to die in the hands of a villain, I’m going to die being the coolest grandma in the neighbourhood, doing a sick backflip and daring Satan himself to come for my soul- I said to make Denki laugh, and apparently it worked

-You’re my best friend Y/N, I don’t know what I would do if you weren’t here, please never stop being like that-

-Being how? -

-I don’t know, funny, smart, a real pain in the ass to the villains and the teachers, a stubborn whiney stuff-

-Are you sure you aren’t describing yourself? –

-Nah, I didn’t said the most handsome man who ever walked the earth, but you’re not bad looking-

We both laughed, I really enjoyed being around Denki, his presence always felt comforting, like coming back home after a long trip, or eating your favourite homemade dish after a rough day, like a cool late summer breeze, he makes my heart warm and my troubles go away, I never feel more like myself than when I’m around him. That’s what friendship feels like, right?

-Could you do me one last favour Y/N? – Denkis voice took me out of my own mind -I don’t want to go back to my room and have another nightmare, I don’t wanna make you unconformable or anything, but could I sleep with you? -

It definitely took me by surprise, we had a lot of sleepovers over the years, but never just the two of us

-I understand if you say no, but I promise I just want to sleep, and having you around makes me feel safe-

-I have an idea, let’s have a sleepover here in the place, I’ll put one of those white noise videos that last hours, so you don’t have to think about anything-

-I’ll set the alarm to get up early and go to our dorms before anyone sees us, thank you so much Y/N, I’ll make it up to you, I promise-

-You don’t have to; I know you’ll do the same for me-

-You’re an angel but with no wings-

-So, like a person? –

-Shut up Aubrey Plaza-

We were both lying in the blankets on the floor, our heads at the same level (look at the reference above) and I was slowly falling asleep, all I could hear was the white noise and Denkis soft breathing, I closed my eyes and just before I completely lost my consciousness and succumb to the tiredness of my body I heard it, Denkis soft voice, “I love you Y/N”. I turned my head to look at him with my heart racing miles, but he was deeply asleep. Maybe I just imagined the whole thing, it probably was my tired mind, I took one last look to the boy next to me, sleeping so peacefully and with a little smile in his lips feeling the same familiar warmth in my soul, is this really what friendship feels like?

The alarm went off exactly at 5 am, I woke up and it took me a moment to realize that I wasn’t in my dorm room, then I remembered Denkis nightmare, our sleepover, and that thing I thought I heard. I had to wake Denki up so we could go to our respective rooms without Aizawa founding out we were out of our rooms at night, or even worse that we had the keys of the place. I sat there and moved Denki to wake him up. He opened one eye and whined

-But moooooom, it’s Saturday, I don’t have to go to school-

-Come on Denki we have to go to our rooms-

-Five more minutes- He said and hugged my leg

-Do you want Iida to found out we didn’t sleep in our rooms and telling Aizawa? -

And just like that he got up and started heading to the door

-Shit, you’re right, come on, you know that guy wakes up hella early-

We were in the stairs heading to our rooms, and although we were on Denkis floor, he kept climbing down the stairs with me.

-You don’t have to escort me to my room Denki-

-Oh but I want to- Replied the yellow haired guy

When we were in front of my door he leaned down and planted a chaste kiss in my forehead.

-Thank you for being there for me, I will remember this night for the rest of my life- And he turned around without waiting for a response disappeared heading towards the stairs.

I stepped into my room with a heavy cloud around my mind, there was so many feelings inside me that I couldn’t even tell them apart, where do I draw the line between friendship and love? Between admiration and affection? Between what I feel for Bakugo and what I feel for Denki?

I closed my eyes and remembered everything that happened yesterday, Bakugos confession, our shared kisses, the promise we made, six months apart now sounded a lot more crucial, after all the things that could happen in the matter of a few hours. Did I just said that because the heat of the moment? The words Bakugo said to me sounded so mature and logical, not like my own thoughts right now, am I just a slave of my own feelings? How would he react if he were me? What about Denki? Was he aware of all those years after his friend? And what if he knew and that is the reason why he hasn’t told me anything yet? Maybe I was just overthinking the situation, nothing was written in stone, neither my relationship with Katsuki nor Denkis feelings for me. I was getting tired of my own thoughts running in circles and not coming to an end, so I wrapped myself in the sheets of my bed and prayed for my mind to shut down so I could get some rest.

************************************************

Part 5

Heeeey I just wanted to thank all of you who read my work, LY, the next few chapters will be like an episode of skins UK, soo be warned, also there is going to be some thirst but nothing too explicit because I'm a shy motherfucker. Enjoy the last chapter free from Mrs-Dynamight Drama™

Taglist: @mikasalt

#bakugou imagine #bakugou fic #bakugou headcanons #bakugou x fem!reader #bakugou x you #bakugou x y/n #bakugou x reader #denki imagine #denki x you #mha fanfiction #bnha fanfiction #bnha headcanons #bnha fluff #mha x you #bnha x you #denki fanfic #denki fic #denki headcanons #denki x reader #denki x y/n #denki x female reader #mha imagines

[tinyboxxtink]

"Doppelganger" *Part 9*

I don't know if this counts as two chapters today, but there will probably be another one up late tonight which most of you won't see until tomorrow, so I think this is cool to drop now.

Reminder: We are nowhere near the end people, don't worry.

Part 8

Part 10

Tag List

@madamsnape921

@lolliepopsicle

@chasingeverybreakingwave

@milkshqke

@wanniiieeee

@word-scribbless

@gibbs274

@sassyada

@aprildecker-blog

@bookishfanfic

@stars-in-the-skies-world

@stars-trash-18

@omgsuperstarg

@objection-argumentative

-------------------

::Let’s rewind that back::

As soon as you felt that orange liquid run down your throat, your mind blacked out. You woke up in a dark, dark room. You blinked a few times, trying to get your bearings. And then in the distance you saw a light. You ran towards it, it was a small window. You ran to stare out of it, and you saw...Nevada? You could hear your voice echoing around you.

���Vada,” You heard your voice eerily happy. What the…? Then it dawned on you, what Rafael had said about being under Olivia’s spell. It was like he was stuck in his body, screaming to get out. This must be what was happening. Oh God, this was hell.

You saw “yourself” fighting the love of your life. There had to be a way to stop this, there had to be. You ran every direction in the pitch black, trying to find a wall to hit. You ran to the window, banging on it. You felt the room, your “head” shaking, hurting. The window began to crack, you yelled:

“RAFA!!!!!!” You heard yourself speaking. Your eyes filled with hope, but then the weirdest thing happened-- you could hear Nevada’s voice booming through your head.

“NO. YOU HATE HIM. KILL HIM.”

What the hell. What the hell?! No! This could not be happening. You saw your body push him away, walking back to Nevada, then making out with him.

This was a nightmare.

-------

The Next Day

Rafael decided to do something he really didn’t want to-- ask for Olivia’s help.

He nervously walked into the precinct, as soon as he locked eyes with Olivia the biggest smile appeared on her face.

Crap.

“Rafa!!!” She ran over to him and started to give him a kiss, but he stopped her.

“I--Uh, Liv, can I-- can we---?” He gestured to her office.

“Ooooh, private time. Absolutely,” She took his hand and led him inside.

“Now, where were we?” She wrapped her arms around his neck but once again he pulled away from her.

“No, Liv-- Look,” He sighed. “...The...me, that came to you yesterday. That wasn’t...me,”

“....What are you talking about?”

“I…” Rafael hesitated. He knew if he told Olivia about Nevada, she could tell the whole squad, maybe the entire police force. They’d always think he was Nevada pretending to be him, he’d lose his job, maybe his career if they never caught Nevada. But they had to catch him, otherwise he’d never see you again. So really, he had nothing to lose.

“It was Nevada Ramirez,” He finally admitted.

“...I’m sorry, what?” Olivia half laughed. “The drugpin of The Heights?”

“Yeah he-- we, have the same face,” He felt stupid saying it out loud.

“....So what are you, twins or something?”

“No, not at all.” He shook his head. “I...I had no idea. You know he’s always been a ghost, nobody’s seen his face before,”

“So how have you?” She raised an eyebrow.

“....He has Y/N,” He gave her a puppy dog face.

“Ah,” She nodded. “I see," She shook it with a sad laugh. So, yesterday when you were talking about ditching her for me--”

“That wasn’t me,” He gave her an apologetic face.

“Right,” She nodded sadly.

“You don’t believe me,”

“No actually, I do,” She continued to nod. “It did seem pretty odd that you would just come waltzing in here and denouncing your ‘true love’ for me,”

“Liv I’m sorry he did that-- I really am,” He laid his hand over hers.

“Yeah, I’m sure,” She shook her head with a sad laugh. “I guess I kind of deserve it,”

“Well--” Rafael made a face.

“So why did you come here then?” She gave him a look.

“Because I believe you when you say that you really love me,”

“You do?”

“Yes, but you need to believe me when I say that if you truly love me, then you’ll let me be happy with whoever I choose, even if it’s not you,”

“....So you want me to help you get her back,” She raised her eyebrow.

“...AND take down the most notorious criminal in New York,” Rafael added. “Think about what that will do to your reputation,”

“Right, because I care so much about accolades,” She rolled her eyes. “But...I guess I don’t really have a choice. I mean if I don’t help you, it’s not like I’ll get you anyway. And if I let her die, then I’ll never even recover our friendship,” She looked at him sadly. “And I do cherish that,”

“Me too, Liv,” Rafael took her other hand. “I swear to you, I really do,”

“Alright then--,” She smiled while squeezing his hands in return. “Where do we start?”

“....I’m gonna need your signature on some things,” He said in a "I'm really sorry to ask this but--" tone.

------

Meanwhile

Nevada paced his penthouse apartment while your body sat there like a robot. Inside the black hole of your mind prison, you were screaming at yourself to run, make a break for it, something.

“God DAMMIT!!! You screamed. You jumped up and down, pounding on your ‘eye window’. You felt yourself shaking your head, it was pounding. You were coming out of it.

“I…” You started to speak, but realized he still thought you were still under his power. You quietly stood up and tried sneaking towards the door while he kept pacing and looking at his phone, waiting on Rafael’s call. You had almost made it to the door of the penthouse when out of the corner of his eye, Nevada caught you trying to escape.

“Hey! No no no, you sit back down!” He commanded you.

“Fuck you,” You spat as you threw open the door and started to run out and down the hallway, but were met with two of Nevada’s men with guns.

“Ayyyy, hermosa,” Nevada shook his head with a laugh. “Do you think I’m estupido, not having constant supervision? I’m a very wanted man-- in many ways,”

One of the men grabbed you and forced your arms behind your back.

“Now why the sudden change, mujer?” He stroked your face. “Don’t you like being mi reina?”

“I’ll never be your anything, you piece of shit!” You yelled.

“Ooooh!!!! Kitty’s got claws,” Nevada laughed, but soon turned serious. “....You must need another dose, don’t you? Dios mio that’s annoying,”

“Keep her here, I’ll be back,” Nevada ordered his men who dragged you back to his penthouse. He sighed and walked down the hallway to the elevator.

“Always gotta do everything myself…” He shook his head. While he was walking, his phone pinged in his hand. A text from Rafael:

“I have your papers,”

“Ah, bien,” He smiled to himself as he got on the elevator. “At least something’s going right today,”

--------------------

Nevada entered the old woman’s shop, with an unamused glare on his face.

“Ah what now, penjedo?” She crossed her arms.

“Tu anciana estúpida!” He grabbed her by the throat. “Why didn’t you tell me your voodoo only works in a time limit?”

“Well what did you expect, tonto?” She gasped as she wriggled in his hands. “Uno y hecho? That wouldn’t be very good business practice,”

“Ah I see,” Nevada chuckled as he released the old woman. “I can appreciate a good buscavidas such as myself,” His smile turned to an evil scowl. “But not with me. Now you’re going to make me enough of your poción that I can keep mi puta under my thumb for a very, very long time. Or I might not be so nice the next time I decide to visit your little pawn shop,”

“That’s going to take a while, cabron,” She scoffed.

“I’ll wait,” Nevada crossed his arms with a smirk, pulling up an old rocking chair.

----------------

It had been about an hour since Rafael had texted Nevada and he still hadn’t gotten a response. It was beginning to drive him nuts, thinking about why he wasn’t answering. What was he doing? What was he doing with YOU? It was torture. On top of that, he hadn’t gotten any sleep last night just replaying the events of last night over and over in his head. He knew you were in there, he saw you. And those brief moments that you were in his arms, he was terrified he’d never have that again.

“...You look like hell, Rafa,” Olivia’s voice knocked him from his thoughts.

“Thank you?” He laughed sarcastically.

“You should go home, take a nap,���

“But what if--?”

“I’ll forward your texts and calls to my phone, so if he responds I’ll call you and wake you up, okay?”

“....Okay,” He said reluctantly. He didn’t know how much he trusted Olivia with access to his phone, but it wasn’t like she could contact you and mess with you. He left her office and headed back to his place to take a nap.

--------------

Before he knew it, there was a knock at his door waking him from his sleep. He walked out of his bedroom and towards his front door.

“Liv you could have just called--” He started to speak, but the image in front of him rendered him speechless.

You were standing right in front of him.

“...Y/N?”

“Hi baby,” You smiled as you pulled him into a kiss. He picked you up and carried you inside, not breaking the kiss as he sat you on the couch.

“How did you--?” Happy tears started rolling down his cheeks as stroked the side of your face, before he had a horrible realization.

“....This isn’t real, isn’t it?”

“Not yet,” You smiled sweetly, stroking his face as well.

“Right,” He nodded with a sarcastic smile, remembering when this situation was reversed. Wait, when it was reversed.

“But this is you,” He held your face in his hands.

“Well duh,” You shook your head with a laugh. “You think you’re the only one who can dream walk?”

“...I don’t think that’s actually a thing,” He gave you a look.

“It is for us,” You pointed out.

“Because of our love?” He said semi sarcastically.

“Because our love can do anything, Rafa.” You placed your forehead against his. “Haven’t you figured that out by now?”

“I suppose I should have,” He chuckled.

“In fact, right now I’m not even under any of Nevada’s powers, the dumbass didn’t think he’d need to keep me under,”

“Wait so, so he’s not having sex with you right now?” His eyes perked up.

“Rafael!” You hit him playfully. “Gross,”

“Yeah you say that now…” He made an uncomfortable face.

“Look, we don’t have time to unpack all of...that,” You made a face, not really wanting to talk about what you’d eventually have to discuss.

“Just-- Just know, that whatever happens when you see me in person, whatever I say or do to you, it’s not me,” You assured him.

“I know that carino--” He smiled at you while stroking your hair.

“Yeah I know you know that but I need you to know that,” You took both of his hands and squeezed them tightly.

“...Okay?” He gave you an amused smile.

“Just-- I need to hear you say that you know that, okay?” You pulled his hands toward you.

“I just said--” He started but you needed this.

“RAFAEL,” You crossed your arms. “I am doing my damndest to astral project my brain into yours, the least you can do is humor me,”

“Okay Okay,” He softly chuckled, pressing his lips to yours. “I know it’s not you,”

“Okay,” You smiled, pulling him into a deeper, more passionate kiss. A kiss that rivaled your epic “yellow swirly memory floating” kiss.

“Te amo, mi amor,” Rafael whispered, knowing how much his spanish speaking meant to you. “Te amo mucho,”

“I love you too, Rafael,” You kissed him one more time before the both of you were pulled away back into consciousness.

----

Rafael was woken up by the sound of his phone going off, it was Olivia. She had forwarded you the text from Nevada:

“Excellente. Meet me outside your courthouse, wearing your black and pink suit. I’ll be waiting in a town car,”

Great…

------

“Hey amante, nap time’s over,” Nevada shook you awake from your nap in his bed.

“What now, Vada?” You grumbled sleepily.

“Good news baby, we’re going to see your abogado,” He smiled sweetly, before pulling out a champagne bottle full of bright orange liquid.

“But first...a toast,” He added with an evil grin.

Oh no...

#rafael barba #rafael barba x you #rafael barba x reader #rafael barba fanficton #law and order svu fanfiction #nevada ramirez fanfiction #nevada ramirez x you #nevada ramirez x reader #nevada ramirez #trouble in the heights #doppelganger

[mosrael]

I had like...an awful derealisation/depersonalization panic attack last night oh my g o d i just have to talk about it because boy let me tell ya--I am really shaken and I just have to write it out to get it out of my system--

Wow. So, I’ve dissociated before, but this has literally has never happened to me before to the extent that it did last night. Normally it’s like a super mild just...shallowness...or weirdness...hard to describe, really, but this time was so different... I was absolutely terrified. Idk what I would have done if my boyfriend wasn’t there to convince me that i was real, i was awake, i wasn’t stuck in a dream, everything around me was real, just...i don’t think i’ve ever been so terrified in my life. i couldn’t convince myself that i was awake or real. i literally thought i was having a breakdown. 

My brain just kept trying to wake up, but I was already awake, I just couldn’t tell that I was, so I felt like I was stuck in a dream, and nothing was real, and I wasn’t real. I just kept trying to wake myself up because I couldn’t tell what was reality, but I couldn’t wake myself up because I was, of course, already awake. I was in the bathroom splashing water on my face, slapping my face, drinking tap water, i even tried drinking soapy water just to feel something--anything--real, just to try to figure out what was reality, whether I was real, or in a dream. I just needed something to ground myself in reality but nothing I was trying was working. I saw myself in the mirror and literally didn’t recognize myself and that’s when the panic attack set in-- I was shaking so hard and hyperventilating and it was all i could do to like walk to the bedroom and try to explain as best I could what was going on to my boyfriend so he could help me. It was so weird and so awful, and I felt like I couldn’t control my body, that I was losing my tether to reality...gosh, I realize this sounds so bananas, but its genuinely how i felt.

He ended up just like, telling me this was real, that i was awake, and telling me a shit ton of random warhammer lore (it’s weird, but I know that it helped me because it was new information to me, and I just needed him to talk about literally anything that I didn’t already know about--anything to pull me back out into the real world. I feel like this sounds weird, but it made sense to me and it did help me, so I dunno.), and putting on music I’d never heard before and rubbing my back and like bringing me water and putting on an audiobook--just doing things to help me get grounded and back into my body, I guess. Idk what I would have done if he weren’t there. In my head, I knew that I needed to do something to reconnect me to my body and prove to myself somehow that I was real and awake, but I just couldn’t convince myself that anything was real on my own at the time, that’s for sure. I really thought I was having a breakdown. It was so scary.

Even now, I still feel weird and not entirely connected to reality. As though I’m not...lined up with my body properly, or something. Just...off, I guess. It’s slowly going away, very slowly, and all things considered,  I still feel much better than I did yesterday night at the height of it all. Now i’m just jumpy and kind of trying to stay super aware of my body, because I realize it’s my best link to reality right now. If I can feel the water on my fingers while I’m washing my hands, then I’m awake. If I can count the stairs up to the floor that I work on, then I’m awake, and this is real. My straw is green, and I looked away from it and then looked back at it, and it’s still green, so I’m awake, and this is real. That sort of thing. The fact that even I have to do that right now to stay ok and convinced that I’m awake and real is kind of scary, but it is slowly going away, and I’m just glad with that right now. That was probably one of the scariest things that’s ever happened to me. God, I never want to feel that ever again. 

This is such a long post, and I don’t think anyone will read it, but if you did, thanks for listening to my weird experience. I just needed to talk about it (even if its just to scream it into the void lol) to get it out of my system and help me move past it just a little bit more. If you read this and you’ve dealt with/deal with something similar, then just know you’re in my thoughts and I hope that things get better for you too. Just know that you’re real, you’re awake, and you’re okay, and we will get through this! 

#tw derealization #unreality #? #idk what to tag this as but i sure as fuck dont want to trigger anything for anyone so lmk if theres something else here that i should tag

[middleearthpixie]

Someone to Watch Over Me ~ Chapter Four

In honor of Fanfiction Writers Appreciation Day, I thought I'd move up tomorrow's chapter and let it go out into the wild today. So, if you enjoy it, please let me know - comment, reblog, recommend, what have you! <3

Author's Note: Here is where the story will begin to mirror the events of The Hobbit, with some poetic license taken, of course.

Summary: Thorin and Seren arrive in the Shire, and she meets the Company, as well Bilbo Baggins.

Pairing: Thorin Oakenshield/Seren (female OC, formerly of Dale)

Characters: Gandalf the Grey, the Company, Bilbo Baggins

Rating: T

Warnings: The sexual tension between Thorin and Seren ratchets up a bit now.

Word Count: 4,359

Tagging: @tschrist1 and if anyone else wishes to be added, just let me know!

Thorin stared up at the ceiling, only just barely able to make out the stains on the plaster. Water stains, most likely. He couldn’t imagine what else they might be. Didn’t want to imagine what else they might be.

To his right, Seren was sound asleep in her bed. Every now and again, she let out a snore that made him smile. At least one of them could sleep. He was far too busy mentally berating himself for his idiocy earlier.

He hadn’t meant to try to look down her tunic. It simply… happened. He didn’t know why he asked her about it, either. Up until the words crossed his lips, he had given no more than a passing thought about the fact that she was a girl pretending to a certain extent to be a boy. Her reasoning made perfect sense, after all, and he could hardly fault her.

But once she’d told him her secret, his eyes slid of their own accord to her chest. There was no indication whatsoever of any sort of curvature. Which made him wonder. Which made images pop into his mind. Images he neither wanted nor needed.

Trouble was, they were there now and that was why he couldn’t sleep.

Perhaps it would be easier if she looked more like a mountain troll. Or a goblin. But, in fact, she was actually cute. Pretty, even. Her hair was a pale, shimmering gold, like that of the elves of the Woodland Realm. She kept it back in a neat braid, which she then tucked into the neck of her tunic (stop thinking about that damn tunic!)

But her eyes were by far her most striking feature. They were wide and green, but unlike no green he’d ever seen. The outer ring of her iris was the deep green of a forest in summer, but as the color swirled nearer to her pupils, it softened to paler green, and finally yellow. They were almost mesmerizing in their tranquility. By far the most beautiful eyes he’d ever seen.

And that was also why he stared up into the darkness, at the questionable stains. The fire smoldered on the grate. The fire she’d ended up having to start because all he was successful in doing was crumbling the flint like a fool.

That seemed to amuse her as she took it from him, saying, “Perhaps I should do this. I have the feeling that nasty little man at the desk wouldn’t be too keen on giving me another flint, knowing I’d be using it to keep a dwarf warm.”

He’d rolled his eyes. “I’ll go down and get a new flint. He won’t dare try to put me off.”

“You don’t know that.” She’d shaken her head. “He might have steel of his own or worse. It would be better for me to deal with him, if it comes to that.”

His gut twisted with irritation over that. A girl coming to his defense. Of course, it wouldn’t be the first time she came to his defense, much as he hated to admit it. He appreciated it, but would rather not think about it, if at all possible.

Which led his mind right back to what happened earlier. He groaned softly into the darkness, rolling over to punch his pillow as he tried to will himself to sleep. It didn’t help. All he could think about now was what she kept hidden beneath that oversized tunic. And that was enough to drive him mad. His imagination ran wild, torturing him as the night wore on and the logs on the fire were slowly consumed by the flames.

He rolled onto his side, facing Seren. A mistake. She lay on her side, facing him, with only the light sheet drawn over her. In the darkness, without the shapeless clothes to hide her, the curve of her hips, the slope of her waist, were as plain as the nose on his face. And when he closed his eyes? It made things worse. Now he saw her in the rain, peering up at him as she had that first night. Rain beaded on her cheeks, caught in her eyelashes, shimmered against lips that he suddenly wanted to taste.

He squeezed his eyes shut in an attempt to will alway the sudden rush of desire he felt for this woman. No. She wasn’t for him. She was of Man and should stay of Man. Dwarves and Men would do well to remain far apart from one another. Nothing good could come of his desiring Seren Gilwynn, nothing at all. He would enjoy himself in the moment, no doubt, for he had the feeling she would be far different from any woman he’d known prior to meeting her, but in the end, it could never work. They were far too different and their paths would never be the same.

Now if only he could convince himself of that.

Finally, sleep crept in and his eyes slid shut. But, his dreams were every bit as frustrating as his waking thoughts; steamy and erotic and when he woke at the first light of dawn, the ache that settled into him was all too real.

He opened his eyes slowly, his entire body humming from the force of his dreams. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d dreamed so vividly and as his gaze fell upon Seren, whose back was now to him, he bit back a groan. Perhaps letting her accompany him was a terrible idea, after all.

No. He’d overcome this. It would pass, as every other infatuation did. He had far more important matters with which to concern himself, and with that, he threw back the quilts and sat up. His trousers were draped over the foot of his bed and he slid into them before crossing to Seren to catch her shoulder.

“We need to move on,” he said, giving her a gentle shake. “Seren?”

She rolled over with a low sigh and her eyes slowly opened. She gazed up at him and his belly gave a sharp flip as a sleepy smile lifted her lips and she said, “I was dreaming about you.”

“Were you?” He tried to keep his voice as neutral as possible as he turned away.

“I was, yes.” The linens rustled and he peered over his shoulder to see she’d sat up and was now rubbing one eye with a fist. “It was interesting, really. We were in an earthen cavern, surrounded by goblins. And one was about to stab you through the throat, when Gandalf appeared.”

He spun around to face her. “What?”

“It was so odd,” she said softly, looking up at him. “But so vivid. I’d swear it was real, but we are right here in Bree, and there are no goblins here, so…”

He sank onto the edge of his bed. “Perhaps you should remain here, or in the Shire. If we are to go to Erebor and face a dragon—“

“That dragon destroyed my home as well,” she told him, her voice low and soft. “I want it to pay as much as you do.”

He looked over at her. Her eyes held a sadness he hadn’t seen before, and his first instinct was to offer her comfort. “So, you and I fight for the honor of killing Smaug?”

To his relief, she offered up a sleepy smile. “I don’t delude myself into thinking I could kill a dragon. But I would like to be there when it happens.”

“How is it you lived in Dale, yet I only ever saw you that one afternoon?”

She lowered the hand that had been rubbing her eye. “I didn’t wish you to see me.”

“You hid from me?”

“More or less, yes. I watched you, but after that day, you thought me a pest. I’d follow you if you came into Dale, with my little sword at my side, just in case anyone thought to give you trouble.”

“I thought you a pest?”

To his discomfort, she nodded. “You caught me once, around Athluna Farydale’s shop. I’m sure you’ve put it from your mind, but I remember it as if it was yesterday. I confess, Mr. Oakenshield, I had a bit of a crush on you back then. You were so handsome and fearless… But then, you laughed at me and said I was but a child and I should go home.”

He tried to bring up the memory, and little by little, it came into focus.

He’d first spied her as she ducked behind a table displaying Miss Farydale’s goods, and had thought nothing of it. But then, the distinct feeling of being watched had settled over him and at least twice more, he’d turned to catch a flash of blonde hair disappearing around a corner, behind a table, lost in a crowd.

It went on that way as he’d made his way from one end of the square to the other, when finally, he ducked behind a corner and as the girl passed, he stepped out to grab her by the arm, growling,“What are you doing?”

The tiny girl with long blonde curls and wide green eyes blinked up at him, gazed up at him as if the sun rose and set on his shoulders. In one hand, she held a sword. At first glance, he thought it was a toy, but then realized it was anything but. Small, perhaps, but honed to a lethal degree from the looks of it.

He released her, folding his arms. “I’m waiting.”

Those green eyes met his and to his surprise, her fair cheeks grew pink as she stammered,“I—that is, you—well… I mean… I’m here for you to watch over.”

They winced in unison and he’d replied, “I beg your pardon?”

“I’m here to watch over you. In case Alfryd tries to make good on his threats.””

“Watch over me? Whatever for? I need no one to do such a thing. Especially not a child. Run along now, and bother me no more.”

“But—“

He didn’t wait for her to finish, but turned and stalked off, shaking his head at the very thought of that child thinking she was protecting him from the people of Dale, from Alfryd. Laughable.

“That was you?” he murmured, reaching for his tunic, draped over the foot of the bed as well.

As he drew it on, she said, “It was. Do you remember? I made a fool of myself.”

“I remember I was far too old for you at the time.”

“Yes, you probably were.” She kicked back the coverlet and rose and he swallowed hard at the sight as, once again, she was in only her tunic.

To make matters worse, her trousers lay draped over the table, before the windows, and as she stepped before them, the sunlight streamed in behind her and the effect stunned him into silence. No matter how he tried not to look, he couldn’t help but see the outline of slender, shapely thighs, softly curved hips, the slope of her waist, and the faint hint of those bandages of which she spoke last evening.

He turned about, the only way he could avert his gaze. “I was and I still am and we need to go.”

“Well, it no longer matters,” came her pert reply and he breathed a sigh of relief as the swish of fabric against skin reached his ears. Her trousers, hopefully. Unless of course, she was trying deliberately to drive him mad. “I’m not that same girl any longer.”

A relief that. He turned back to find her dressed once more, which came as another relief for him. Now, they just need to make for the Shire and once the entire Company was assembled, his thoughts would no longer center on the girl in his room at the moment. In time, she would just be one the others.

Or so he hoped.

“So,” Seren was saying as she tugged on hose that had seen better days, “how long will it take us to reach the Shire?”

“No more than a few hours.”

“Good. And do you know where we’re going?”

“Haven’t the foggiest,” he replied as he fastened his scabbard about his hips. “But, we’ll find it.”

“And if we don’t?”

He offered up a long look. “We will.”

“Very well.” She tugged on her left boot, then her right, and straightened up. Her brows pulled low as she peered at him. “Is something wrong? You look a little flushed this morning.”

“I’m fine,” he told her, shrugging into his fur wrap and then his cloak. “We need to move.”

“If you say so.”

He held open the door for her. The sooner he put this room, and its two comfortable beds, far behind them, the happier he’d be for it. Perhaps then his thoughts would stop torturing him.

Seren shielded her eyes from the sun as she waited for Thorin to emerge from the inn. Something bothered him. He avoided meeting her eyes, or even looking directly at her, and that made her smile. He had no trouble doing so until she teased him about catching him trying to peek down her tunic. It wasn’t until she’d teased him about it that this sudden change came about.

Was it possible that he really had tried to look down her tunic? She thought that’s what he’d been doing, but it was entirely possible she was wrong.

Or so she’d thought.

Then, he came thudding down the steps and out into the road and she smiled up at him. “I thought you’d gotten lost.”

“It seems our innkeeper friend thought we damaged the room. I don’t know what he thought we were doing, but he charged us an extra fifty for it.”

“Fifty?” Her belly kinked sharply. She didn’t have much more than a hundred or so left in her purse. Still, she set her sack on the ground to open it. “Well, let me—“

“Worry not about it,” he said, catching the sack to lift it in one smooth motion and thrust it back at her. “I let him think we’d had the time of our lives up there and paid him. It was the quickest way to get out of there.”

She bit back a smile. “I wonder what he thought we were doing?”

He shrugged. “I neither know nor care. Now, come along. We still have a way to travel.”

For the first time since catching up with him at the bridge, when he’d dragged her into the underbrush, she fell into step alongside him. “How far is the Shire from here?”

“About half a day’s walk. We will be there by nightfall.”

“And is there an inn there?”

He shrugged. “I couldn’t tell you. But no matter, we will find somewhere to sleep.”

She cast a sideline glance up at him. The sunlight danced along the dark strands of his hair and highlighted the silver streaking through it. The small silvery cube braided into his hair caught the light, threw it off in flashes of blue and white light. “What is that?”

“What is what?”

She gestured to her own ear. “That block in your hair. What is it?”

“It’s a rune. Woven in by my nephew, Kili, when he was a toddler.”

“And how old is he now?”

Thorin glanced down at her. “Not much older than you, I’d wager. He would like you.”

“Really? What makes you say that?”

He shrugged. “Kili likes pretty girls. Fili as well, but he isn’t quite the flirt as his brother is.”

Hearing him say he thought her pretty did something odd to her. It made her belly flip in a way that was as delicious as it was unnerving. But, she didn’t wish to embarrass him again, and so merely smiled and said, “Tell me more of them.”

“Kili and Fili?” He glanced down at her, then looked ahead once more. “They are the sons of my younger sister, Dis. They are typical boys—reckless and headstrong and eager for a fight. You will meet them at some point in the next day or so.”

“I look forward to it,” she replied.

Perhaps it was but her imagination, but it seemed to her that his shoulders tensed with her words. But then, he said, “And they will most likely thank you,” and smiled down at her.

They walked on in silence a bit longer. As the sun warmed the air, she unfastened her cloak to drape it over her arm, and winced at the hint of sweat trickling down between her breasts. The linen wrapped around her was even warmer, and she wished she at least had the satisfaction in knowing she’d be able to unbind herself soon.

But, the truth was that as long as she traveled with a group of men, she would have to pretend to be a boy. And that mean remaining wrapped tight.

Not exactly the most pleasant of thoughts.

She tugged her braid from her tunic. The ends of it rubbed oddly against her skin, which irritated her as the healing blister on her foot irritated her, as the cut on her arm irritated hers. But, she kept her complaints to herself. Mama always said it did no good to complain and that energy was best spent trying to find a solution instead. Trouble was, the only solution was to confess her true gender and she wasn’t at all certain that would be wise. Thorin, she could trust. The others? She didn’t know them. And anyone else with whom they might cross paths, such as orcs, goblins, or trolls? She definitely did not want any of them to know the truth about her.

“Thorin?”

He peered down. “What?”

“Do you think I should come clean about who I am to the others? To Gandalf?”

He stopped and faced her. “Why?”

She also stopped and shrugged. “It’s warm. And that makes me a little… uncomfortable.”

She half-expected his gaze to lower, as it did the night before, but to her surprise, he held her gaze as he said, “It’s up to you. No one will touch you, if that is your fear. But, I cannot say the same for anyone we might meet along the way.”

“That’s what I’m afraid of,” she said softly, looking off into the distance, where the fields rolled an even deeper emerald green than the woods from which they’d come. She saw curious buildings in the distance, ones that looked as if they’d been built into the countryside. It all looked so lush, so peaceful, it was unlike anything she’d ever seen. She’d never been this far west before.

“How uncomfortable are you?”

“Fairly.” She resisted the urge to tug at the bandage where it rubbed along the left side of her ribcage. “My skin gets sore.”

“How quickly can you rewrap, if necessary?”

She smiled up at him. “I’m quick. Maybe a minute or two. As I said, I haven’t much to wrap.”

He looked around, only there was nothing but rolling lush fields, beautiful lush trees, and those odd buildings in the distance. Behind them, Bree was but a smudge on the horizon. “Unwrap yourself then. At least for a night or two.”

“Here?”

He nodded. “No one is around and I promise,” a hint of mischief glinted in his blue eyes, “I will not try to peek.”

She couldn’t help but smile. “Do you really promise?”

Another nod. “I really promise.”

And with that, he turned his back to her. She looked around, then dropped her sack, shrugged out of her scabbard and set the knives down, then tugged her tunic free to reach beneath it. The bandage was knotted between her breasts, and it took her only a minute to work it free and then, with a low sigh, she unwound the length of linen. At first, the sore patch just below her left breast stung, but after a minute or two, the sting faded. The relief was so great, she couldn’t hold back her lusty sigh.

Thorin turned back to her then. “Are you all right?”

She held up the roll of bandages, tossing it into the air and catching it in the same hand. “Freedom feels wonderful.”

He grinned and she didn’t miss the hint of blush that crept across his cheekbones. She couldn’t resist teasing him a little. “You are blushing, Thorin Oakenshield.”

“The deuce I am,” he retorted, turning away.

But she wasn’t letting him off that easily. She darted about to stand before him again. “You are, you know.”

Then, she tossed the bandages at him. “Catch!”

He did just that. “What are you about?”

“Did you ever have a splinter that hurt. That hurt no matter what and when you finally got it out, it just felt so good, that your mood improved tenfold?”

“I have.” He tossed the roll back to her. “If it hurts so much, why do it?”

“Because I have to. You don’t understand. You’re a man. A dwarf warrior. No one will trifle with you. I, however,” she pressed a hand against her chest, “have no such luxury. I have to pretend to be what you already are and hope no one learns the truth.”

“I know the truth.”

She dropped the roll into her sack and gazed up at him. “But I know you won’t tell anyone. I trust you.”

“No one will harm you, Seren. Not as long as I walk this earth with you.” He stepped closer. “I give you my word. If you wish to remain unbound, know you will be safe with us. With all of us.”

He sounded so serious, his eyes holding not a hint of mischief and his blush had vanished. She knew her trust had yet to be misplaced or unfounded. She nodded. “Will you tell anyone?”

“Not if you don’t wish me to, no.”

“Can I let you know once I’ve met everyone?”

“Of course.”

She nodded. “Good.”

“We should keep moving. We still have a bit of a way to go.”

She nodded and crouched to slip the sack’s strap over her shoulder again, then stood and they continued along the road to the Shire. The sun sank low, streaking blue and coral across the sky. Red skies. A promise of good weather to come. Thank the maker the rain had finally come to an end.

But the landscape was deceiving, as it seemed they wandered from one end of the Shire to the other. She began to wonder if Thorin had any clue as to where they were actually supposed to be when he stopped for the third time, muttered something under his breath and said, "There it is!"

It was a house built into the hillside, with brilliant green trim and a round door that looked like the bottom of a barrel. On the brilliant green door, someone had carved a sigil and Thorin sighed as he grumbled, “Easy to find, my foot.”

Seren peered through one of the windows. Warm light filled the interior, and she heard the cheerful stamping of feet and the muffled voices rising as one in song. A party? It seemed odd that this was where Gandalf had sent them, and she was about to say as much to Thorin when he rapped on the door with a fist.

She held her breath as it swung open and Thorin leaned in to say, “Gandalf! I thought you said this place was easy to find? We lost our way. Twice.” He ducked as he stepped through doorway. “We wouldn’t have found it at all, had it not been for the mark on the door. You remember Seren, don’t you?”

He turned, saw she still hung back, and reached to catch her by the wrist. As his fingers brushed hers, a jolt rippled along her arm, strong enough that her head snapped up and she looked at hi. But he didn’t seem to notice as he tugged, pulling her through the doorway into a small house. For the first time in her life, she felt tall—almost giantlike—in that house. Everything was small. The furniture was tiny, the ceilings were low, she almost had to bow her head as she followed Thorin into a cozy, warmly lit dining room and found herself staring at twelve very curious dwarves and one very stressed halfling.

“Who’ve you there?” A dwarf with huge white hair and an even bigger white beard, gestured to her.

“Everyone, this is Seren Gilwynn, of Dale. He will be accompanying us and—” he held up a hand as a chorus of protests rose—“Enough. I’ve seen him with steel and his fists. He will be an asset.”

Then, he turned to her. “Seren, this is the Company.” He pointed to the white haired dwarf and moved along the crowed, “Balin. Dwalin. Oín. Gloín. Bofur. Bifur. Bombur. Nori. Dori. Ori.”

Then he moved to two young dwarves, both strikingly handsome, one blond, the other dark. “Fili. Kili.”

His nephews. She smiled. There was no way she would ever remember all their names, but at the same time, she nodded and said, “It’s a pleasure to meet all of you.”

They all greeted her with friendly, if confused smiles and minutes later, she and Thorin sat at the table, plates of something delicious before them, and she just listened as Gandalf outlined their plan for retaking Erebor, with the halfling being the burglar who was going to take something called the Arkenstone. The halfling who looked terrified at the very prospect of doing so.

With a sigh, she settled back in her chair and just listened. And as she did so, she couldn’t help but gaze over at Thorin. Had he felt that jolt when they touched or was she just projecting what she wished he would feel? Because truth be told, she still had a crush on him. Only now, she was no longer a child and that could mean serious trouble for both of them.

#The Hobbit #Thorin Oakenshield #Hobbit Fic #Hobbit Fanfic #Fan fiction #The Hobbit fan fiction #Thorin x OC #AU #Thorin Fic #fanfic writer appreciation day

[jae-daddy]

Chubby (14)

Jaebum AU Series 

one / two / three / four / five / six / seven / eight / nine / ten / eleven / twelve / thirteen 

masterlist

pairing: im jaebum x reader genre: angst, romance, mature, drama plot: you are getting bullied and jaebum decides to help you  a/n: i got too drunk and i have no idea what i’ve written. not edited. hope y’all like it.i was going to write another part, but i think i’d rather go cry 

Everything is spinning when you wake up. Your head feels heavy, your throat so dry it hurts to swallow and a sour taste remains in your mouth. You felt your head hammer against your skull as your tummy unsettles uncomfortably as the urge to be sick threatens you. 

But nothing happens. You don’t vomit, you don’t reach for the water bottle. You don’t even move your body as the uncomfortable position pushes against your spine. You lay on your bed, sideways, staring at the wall as your mind raced and blanked all at once. 

You wished the memories of last night would have been erased. You wished you had experienced a blackout like everyone else in movies and books. But alas, you remembered everything, everything so clearly you would paint each and every second that happened. 

Jaebum had kissed someone. 

But then Jaebum was also there for you and got you home. 

That was probably just him being a good friend. 

A good friend; after all thats what you both were. 

You groaned closing your eyes as your headache increased. You tried shutting your eyes and burying yourself beneath your blanket to hid from the pain and memories, but it didn’t help with both. 

After a few minutes of defeat, you got up chugged a few gulps of water. You didn’t stop and kept moving because you knew once you stopped you’ll be filled with pain. Pain from the memories and from the spliting headache. 

                      ........................................................................

You stood outside Jaebum’s door. It was a bit past noon. 

The pain in your head was refusing to go, and you couldn’t do much about it. But you could do something about the one you were pushing back. 

You didn’t want to hide from Jaebum. You didn’t want to ruin this friendship between the two of you. 

You love him; there is no denying that. You have loved him from the moment you had seen him. You continued to love him as your heart was yanked from your chest. And you love him now as you stand outside his door step with your bleeding heart. 

But you didn’t want to lose him. 

You wanted him in your life no matter what role he filled. He meant so much more than a simple crush to you. He meant so much that you could look past your aching heart and a blinded kiss. 

You reached up and were about to knock on the door, but decided to ring the bell instead. 

You heard heavy footsteps rush towards the door, before the door swang open revealing Jaebum. 

He looked like a mess. Probably more than you even though you had a such a rough night. 

He must’ve just stepped out of the shower, you guessed, as you took in his wet hair. It was slick back like last night, and it made your heart twist more.

It wrenched as you took in his puffy dark eyes, dim with dark circles surrounding them. His straightened shoulders slumping, as his whole body rigid  posture melted away as he took you in. His lips parted in shock, his eyes widening and something glistened in them, but you didn’t try to read it. 

Jaebum seemed relieved to have you at his door step, but shocked, at once. 

He opened his mouth to say something, but closed it deciding against it. He stood there gaping and closing his lips unsurely like a fish making you chuckle. 

You pushed away everything you felt from yesterday, and smiled at him shaking your head. Before wincing as the headache seemed to worsen by the movement. 

“Do you have anything for a headache?” You walked into the apartment leaving him at the doorway. Jaebum’s body followed you like a magnet turning wherever you did; feet coming closer to you no matter which was you turned. 

“Or should I say a hungover?” You gave him an excited look raising your eyebrows. “Damn, is this a hangover? This sucks.”

Jaebum continued to stare at you wide-eyed. He stood infront of you. He didn’t say anything, he didn’t do anything. He just kept his gaze on you, as you tried not to notice. 

“Jae,” you shot him an impatient look, “I swear my head is going to explode. Please help me.” 

You tried to keep light and friendly. Like none of last night happened. You wanted to move past it. You want to treat it all like a bad dream and pretend that it didn’t happen. 

When Jaebum didn’t move, your voice softened as you focused on him. You didn’t want to say it out loud. It would make it all too real. it would be like you were back there; in that room with Jaebum under her, her lips on his. 

“Jae,” you whispered. Please. I don’t want to do this. Please, let’s just move past this and pretend last night didn’t happen.

Jaebum sighed in defeat as if he could hear every word and went off into the kitchen. You settled onto the sofa, as Tuesday snuggled into your feet. 

“Hi, Tee,” you cooed, lifting him up onto your lap. “How have you been?” 

He didn’t reply. Instead he moved up and snuggled himself against your neck. He was hugging you. 

You casted your eyes on the ceiling to stop the tears that threatened. You stroked his soft grey fur as you brought your face closer to him, snuggling back into him. 

“Thank you, buddy,” you whispered. 

It didn’t matter how okay you act. You still felt raw. You still felt like your heart hung bleeding out of your chest exposed to the whole world. You still felt stupid. You still felt so tired that you wanted to curl up into a ball and hide away from everything. 

“Here,” Jaebum settled a tray infront of you. He sat beside you, as he picked up a tablet and a glass of water. “Have this, first. The tea is still hot.” 

You removed yourself from Tuesday, as you held out your palm to him. He placed the tablet on it, his fingertips brushing your soft skin and you tried to ignore it. 

But you failied. 

Your tummy flipped, as your heart skipped a beat. 

You took the glass, making sure you don’t touch him and gulped it down with the pills. 

“What kind of tea is it?” You were talking more than normal, but you would rather talk about the colour of the wooden floor of his apartment then sit in silence and guess what’s going on in his mind. 

“Lemon and honey,” he replied gently. His eyes looked at you, but they didn’t meet your eyes. They studyed your fidgetting hands on your lap, the puffiness of your cheeks. The reddness of your lips, nose and cheeks. The way your chest rose and fell, the movement of your neck as your nervously swallowed. 

The messiness of your hair as you had pulled it into a bun away from your face. How that once strand of hair fell against your cheek, and how he wanted to tuck it behind your ear. 

How he wanted to feel the softness of your skin. To run his fingertips over your velvetness. How he wanted to hold your nervous hands in his. How he wanted to look into your eyes. How he wanted to kiss you once to erase all the memories from last night, and then a thousand times more to create new ones. Good ones you both were proud and happy off. 

His eyes landed on your knees, and his jaw hardened. 

The scrapes from last night left your skin broken and red. 

“Does it hurt?” He asked, keeping his eyes on your knees. 

Your eyes snapped at him surprise. You didn’t know what he was talking about. Did he mean your heart? Why would he want to know? What to you say?

“No.” You lie, your voice barely above a whisper. 

Jaebum meets your gaze, but looks away instantly as if it burned him. 

“It looks like it would hurt,” He pointed to your knees this time as he got up. “I’ll go get the first aid.” 

You got up with him. You bit your nails into your palm. 

“It doesn’t hurt,” you told him, “but, if you want to, I’ll come to the bathroom with you.” 

Jaebum smiled at that. 

“Right,” he tried holding it back, but couldn’t. He shook his head at you. “You and your proper locations.”

Jaebum had learned a pet-peeve of yours was doing activities in places where they did not need to happen. For example, dressing wounds in the living room; especially where you both ate. It made sense, but your rigidness and physicial pain on your face made Jaebum find it more adorable than logical. 

Jaebum led you into the bathroom. You sat on the toilet after putting the cover down. 

He pulled out the box and turned towards you. 

“I can do it myself,” you held out your hand. You didn’t know if you could handle caring Jaebum. “I can reach it.”

Jaebum hesitated. And then he held out the box. 

Just as you were about to grab it he pulled it away. 

“Let me do this,” he said softly, as he bent down infront of you. “Let me do something for you.” 

“You do so much for me already,” you whispered, just as soft. You winced as Jaebum rubbed alcohol on the broken skin. 

Jaebum looked up at you, before blowing on your knees softly as he continued. 

He shook his head after as he reached for the ointment. 

“It’s not enough,” Jaebum said, his jaw hard but his words so faint it almost disappeared. “It’s nothing compared to what you do for me.”

You shook your head as you felt them begin to burn and water. 

“I’ve done nothing for you, Jaebum,” you told him, your voice harder, stronger making him stop and look at you. “I haven’t done a single thing for you. But you have. You’ve done so much for me. 

“You helped me. You reached out. You made me happy. You adopted a kitten because I asked. You let me cook and eat with you. You became my friend. You tried to help me at school. You cheered me up. You took care of me. You took me to my first party-” 

You stopped, and bit your lip at that. Jaebum looked away, and cast his eyes on the ground ashamed. 

“The point is,” you sighed as you put your hands on the sides of his face and turned him to look at you. “Im Jaebum, you have done so much for me. So don’t ever feel like that.” 

You felt Jaebum’s jaw harden, as removed himself from your hold. 

“But I hurt you.” 

“Jae,” you sighed. 

Jaebum angrily ripped out two bandages from its wrapper before placing them on your knees. 

“I hurt you. I made you cry.”

“Jaebum, I-” 

“It doesn’t matter what you say,” he cut you off curtly. “I hurt you, and no matter how many things you think I may have done for you; none of them can make up for the tears I’ve caused you.”

You stared at Jaebum as you sat unmoving. Your heart shivered as emotions ran vivid through your veins. Your mind with a million thoughts as you looked at Jaebum. Your felt your heart crack a little more as you took in his defeated stance. 

“Jaebum,” you whispered, as your hands gently fell onto your lap. Jaebum didn’t look at you. HIs hard eyes continue to be focused somewhere beyond the four walls of the bathroom. 

You weren’t really sure what to say to him. You didn’t know what to tell him that would erase his guilt, and take away last nights memory like a magical spell. You didn’t know what you could do to make this moment, and the moments to come worth more than the bad ones that haunting loomed over you both. 

“Jae,” you called again softer. Jaebum turned his head, his tortured gaze meeting your confused ones. You didn’t know what to feel. You didn’t know how to deal with your emotions from last night. You didn’t know how to balance your feelings against Jaebum’s guilt. Jaebum’s eyes reddened with anger; and your heart clenched. 

Jaebum was so angry with himself. He was beating himself so much. No matter what you said could take away what he felt. It would remain with him. It was more than just guilt, it was something you didn’t want to understand. It was something that frightened you. 

“Jaebum, tell me, and be honest,” you told him. Your hands clenched your skirts nervously. You wanted to hold his face, and look into his eyes and tell him it’s all going to be okay. That you would be okay, so he doesn’t need to feel this way. “Did you mean to hurt me?”

Jaebum’s took a sharp breath as his sharp eyes widened in surprise. 

“Did you do it to hurt me?” You asked. 

Jaebum shook his head. 

“No.” His voice was low and heavy, but it was certain. He didn’t do it to hurt you. 

“Was I on your mind when it happened?” You asked, and the image of her lips on Jaebum burned your mind. 

“No.” Jaebum shook his head, casting his head down. “There was nothing in my mind.”

Except her. Except lust.

“I didn’t even know it was happening. One moment she was telling me about her parent’s divorce and the next she was on top of me. Before I could do anything, you opened the door and saw everything.”

You froze. 

“I won’t lie to you. We used to do things back in the day. Maybe I gave her the wrong idea. I don’t know.” Jaebum sighed frustratedly. as he ran a hand through his dark locks. His jaw clenched as he looked pained. “I don’t know. I don’t know what to say.

“But all I know is that I would never do anything to hurt you. I would never do anything to hurt you if I can help you.”

You stared at Jaebum as his dark eyes looked into yours. The golden flakes in his dark brown eyes swirled as it glistened with desperateness as he peered into your eyes to make you understand. But he didn’t have to tell you. You knew he would never do anything to hurt you. 

You knew that much. You had just thought that him kissing her was something that didn’t relate to you; and thats why it hurt. Because you didn’t mean anything to him. Nothing more than a friend. 

But friends don’t do this. 

They don’t stare at eachother, begging for them to understand. Begging for them to not misunderstand. They don’t make eachother’s heart ache and race as Jaebum made yours. 

You casted your gaze down from his searching eyes. 

“Then it’s settled,” you lifted your eyes to meet his with a small smile. “What happened last night doesn’t matter. You didn’t mean it, and I well...” You cast your eyes away, as your cheeks tinted red. “It doesn’t affect me.” 

Jaebum nodded his head, falling back. But you could see something inside him sink at your words. You could see him falling down, deeper inside his head. You wanted to grab on to him. You wanted to hold him, and make him believe that it was all going to be okay. 

But you sat there. You didn’t know what anything of this meant. None of it meant sense to you. Not even your heart as it ached. It didn’t help that Jaebum didn’t kiss her. It didn’t matter that it was her who misunderstood things. It didn’t matter what Jaebum’s past or actions were. 

All that mattered was the now. The now where Jaebum was still not in love with you as much as you were in love with him. All that mattered that even in a small four walled room, it felt like there was a lifetime between you both. 

Jaebum could never love you, at least not in the way you did. The only thing you both had in common was that neither could let go of eachother. While your reason was laid out infront of the world, bleeding red as every beat of heart sang Jaebum’s name. Jaebum’s reason remained closed and hidden away from everyone. 

As Jaebum’s warm hands gently held your face, your body melted, but your heart tightened. As his lips softly touched your forhead, lingeringly, your heart ached. 

You didn’t know what all of this meant. 

#jaebum #jaebum angst #got7 #angst #fluff #chubby #bullying #jaedaddy #hope y'all like it #not edited #im jaebum #series #I have no idea what I wrote

[yoonia]

About Time // Part 15

Character: Jungkook x reader / Jimin x reader (feat. BTS)

↳ Type/Genre/words: Angst, Fluff, Alternate Universe (Time Travel!au/Time Leap!au, Soulmate!au), PG rated / 7,300 words

↳ Prompts: “What if you find your soulmate… at the wrong time?” - Lauren Kate, Passion

↳ Summary: Be careful for what you wish for, because you may never know how to deal with them once it comes true. What would you do when your wish for a second chance actually came true? But was it really a fulfilled wish? Too many questions lie when it actually happened. Were they real memories? Or perhaps a part of a past life? Was it only a dream all along? Will everything be different this time?

↳ Warnings: Mentions of cancer, (probably) inaccurate medical and law terms

↳ ⤎ Previous Chapter | Series Index: About Time | Next Chapter ⇢

—First life. St. Vincent’s Hospital, year 2027—

I shouldn’t have taken it lightly when they warned me about it.

The scans, the blood tests, the physical examination, most of them I could handle. Until it came the time for them to lay me down and put a massive needle right through my spine to take a piece of a membrane from the growing monster inside me.

“Baby, it’s okay,” Jimin held my trembling hands with one of his while he uses the other to brush my dampened hair away from my face, where my sweat and tears came together as I tried to hold back the pain. “Look at me, baby. Just a little while longer. Take a deep breath and keep your eyes on me.”

I kept my eyes on Jimin as I felt as if they were sucking the life out of me. And I was relieved that he was there, for his eyes were hypnotising me enough to make me feel as if the pain was somewhere far away.

It was quite unusual for the hospital to allow someone other than an immediate family or a member of the doctor’s team to be there while they were doing these tests. But I was so frightened about the test that I had a major panic attack about it and I was also feeling terribly exhausted after going through a bunch of tests running the whole day that I was practically crying and begging for them to let me take a break. That was when Jimin came into the room and offered to help.

“Let me be there so she won’t freak out. I won’t interrupt, I promise,” he said then, basically pleading for them to let him in, before Dr. Kim finally gave in and gave him permission to enter the room.

An excruciating pain struck me so badly as I felt them pulling the needle out that I cried out and Jimin pressed his lips on my forehead, completely ignoring the fact that I was sweating buckets when he did. “You did good, love. It’s over now,” he whispered to me.

I looked up to him through my tears and tried to speak, though I could barely get my voice out while I kept sobbing as the pain was still too much for me to handle. “It hurts,” I cried with a whisper.

Jimin nodded his head knowingly. He was smiling at me as a way to encourage me, but his gaze was filled with sadness and pain, as if seeing me hurt had caused him just the same amount of pain. “You are brave, baby. You got through it good,” he said while kissing my tears away. “Just close your eyes and focus on my voice while the nurse is finishing up. I’m not going anywhere.”

He gave me a chaste kiss on my lips and my sobs slowly came to halt. The pain still lingered even once the doctor and his team had finished his job. I could hear his voice complementing me while letting me know that it was over and I could feel it when he cleaned my wound and patched me up before he left. But all I ever wanted to focus on was Jimin’s voice as he kept whispering sweet things to me and on the way he was holding my hands tight to let me know that I was not alone.

His presence was my cure and it was then when I finally realised that he had become the rock that kept me together. When I felt his lips on mine as I closed my eyes, I knew then that I could face and conquer anything as long as I had him with me, for it was the love I felt and the compassion I saw in his eyes that became the only things keeping me alive.

Jimin joined me in my bed that night.

We were lying on our sides and facing each other, talking about all the pointless things in life to get my mind away from the throbbing pain on my back, when he reached out, brushing his fingers gently across my cheek.

“You are so beautiful,” he suddenly whispered. I was caught off guard that I fell silent for a moment, before I started laughing. I could not believe that he would randomly say such a sweet thing right in the middle of mint chocolate versus cookie dough ice cream flavour discourse we were having.

“That was so random,” I whispered back. The goofy smile on my face refused to stay clear that I had to hide it by pressing my face down on my pillows.

“It just came to my mind,” he said, chuckling while he tilted my chin up so I could look at him again. He grazed his thumb gently across my lips before replacing it with a kiss. “I want to fall asleep watching your face and listening to your voice, then wake up to see this face and this smile again the next morning.”

“Are you trying to tell me that you’re getting sleepy?” I teased him, while he only smiled at me.

“Aren’t you the one who is supposed to be asleep?” he asked me. “I can tell that you’re forcing yourself to keep your eyes open. You must be tired after the long day you’ve had.”

I took his hand and started kissing his knuckles. “I am really tired. But I’m too scared to sleep.”

Jimin furrowed his brows as he looked at me. “Why?”

Shrugging, I could only tell him the truth. Or at least, half of it. “I feel calm when I’m with you. I don’t want to wake up to find you gone.”

As I looked into his eyes, all of the things I was so afraid of, all of my fears came to mind.

The truth was, I was too afraid to sleep because I had feared that I would not wake up the next morning. Or that I would wake up, only to find out that everything around me had disappeared.

Would it be wrong of me to feel as if all of this might fade away? I kept feeling as if he would disappear from my sight anytime I looked away and I refused to have that. It had been so long for me to feel like this. To feel something so intense that I just wanted to grab him tight and not let go before he could fade away.

Jimin reached out, cupping my cheek with his palm to bring me back to him and not lose myself in my thoughts. His lips tilted up to a small smile when he promised me, “I’ll be here when you wake up. I’ll never leave you, ______. Not unless you want me to.”

“Promise?”

His smile didn’t change, but his gaze did. There was something in his eyes that told me how scared he was to make that promise. Instead of giving me an answer, he leaned closer and kissed my lips gently, giving me his silent answer that I could hold on to instead of his words.

“Go to sleep and get some rest. I’ll hold you and wake you up when morning comes.”

That night, as I fell asleep in his arms, I had a long, dreamless sleep for the first time in my life. And it felt wonderful.

“Is it going to be like this every time this happens?”

It was the day after and Jimin had once again found his spot at the edge of my bed while we had our lunch. He kept his promise to be there when I woke up this morning, his misty eyes greeted me warmly when I opened mine. Then he insisted to give me his morning kisses no matter how hard I tried to fight him against it.

The only time he left was early in the day when I had to be cleaned up and checked by the nurses and he had to return to his bedroom for his own morning routines. The nurse who helped me bathe had joked about us sharing a room together in the future to make it easier for us but I brushed it off by saying that I needed my privacy.

That was until I started missing him so badly when morning past to noon and I nearly leapt out of my bed and into his arms when he walked into my room to keep me company at lunch.

I had sworn that I felt extremely famished before my meal arrived. But now, I was suddenly having trouble to eat or to swallow anything more than two spoonfuls of my meal. I was still exhausted and drowsy from the excessive hours of treatment I got yesterday and from the medications I got this morning that all I wanted to do was to lie down and close my eyes, instead of pushing down anything past my bitter tongue that could barely taste anything at all.

Jimin reached out and placed his hand on my knee just as I dropped my spoon. He patiently smiled at me when he answered me, “It comes and goes. Sometimes you’ll be able to eat everything that they give to you, but there will be times when your body refuses all the food and drinks no matter how much you used to enjoy them.”

I remembered when I first started the treatment and my medications would make me so nauseated that my body would refuse to take in anything at all. When I first questioned the nurses about it, the only warning I got was how things would grow more intense as I continued the treatment. It was expected that my body would react this way, yet it certainly did not feel good when it was finally happening.

My eyes fell on Jimin’s plate and noticed that he was also having trouble to take in more food. But he was pushing through it. Nibbling small portions of food each time he ate until the last bit of his meal.

“How do you get through it?” I asked him, wondering how he managed to do it when he had been taking these treatments and had been here to endure everything much longer than I had.

“I have found my own tricks to be able to eat,” he said, passing me a small cup of his pudding when he knew I wouldn’t be able to finish up the rest of my meal. “Soft textured food, like pudding and cakes, or anything sweet can trigger my taste bud and bring my appetite back when everything else tastes too bitter. Fruits and milkshakes help a lot too. And it’s always a good idea to have some light snacks in between to keep your stomach filled even when you can’t swallow your meal.”

As I took a few small spoons of the sweet pudding he gave me, I found that he was right. I had no problem in taking it in, even if I could only take a few small bites of them at a time. I took a mental note to make a grocery list for Hoseok to get for me once he would return to accompany me at the hospital.

Jimin must have noticed something on my face that had him grown wary, because he suddenly reached out just as I froze up, completely lost in my own thoughts for a moment that I stopped eating.

“Hey, I have an idea,” he said, brushing his thumb across my knee until he finally grabbed my attention.

His smile lit up while his eyes were glowing with excitement when he suddenly suggested, “Why don’t you finish up, and then we can watch some movies and nap for a while. Then later, if you’re feeling good enough to go out, I can take you somewhere so we can watch the sunset together.”

“Sunset?” I immediately perked up to the idea, yet I could not imagine how he would manage to show it to me while we were both stuck inside this hospital, which was surrounded by other tall buildings not too far from us instead of a beach or an open field. “How?”

“That’s a secret. Try to eat as much as you can and I’ll reward you with a little fun trip before I let you rest.”

Jimin was so secretive about it that I was half expecting him to blindfold me before he moved me into my wheelchair and started wheeling me away from my bedroom.

He seemed to know the way as he guided us both with ease through the hallways of our floor, snatched an empty elevator leading up, then found his way up, all the way to the rooftop.

“You are fucking unbelievable,” I mused at him as he pushed me out the door then led me to one small corner which he called as a ‘viewing port’, not too far from the hospital’s massive helipad and locked my wheelchair where he knew it would be safe for me to take a good look over the horizon. “How on earth did you find your way here?”

Jimin only chuckled. “The older men from our treatment group took me here during the first week I was treated. They did it to entertain me because they noticed I was looking down and lonely. Said one of them was carried to this hospital with a helicopter and he remembered how pretty the sky was when he arrived here. He used to come up here to watch the view whenever he was lonely before he started to bring the others with him,” Jimin explained as he spread a lap blanket over my legs to keep me warm, before spreading a different blanket on the concrete bed right beside me so he could sit down and join me watch the scenery.

“We can still see the sun coming down through the massive windows along the hallways on the top floor, but I really think that this is better,” he said while looking up to me with a sly grin. “An open air might do good for us too. We’ve been cooped up in our rooms for so long I’m starting to forget what if feels like to be outside. How the temperature changes as the sun sets or how the air out here feels like.”

“It’s still the same. The same polluted city air,” I mused after taking a long deep breath, the smile on my face was unstoppable as I breathed in the open air which contained none of those sickly scents from inside the hospital.

I heard Jimin chuckling beside me as he reached my hand, entwining our fingers together while we kept our eyes on the indigo coloured sky. “Yeah, don’t you miss it?”

Tightening my grip on his hand, I smiled at him, meeting his gleeful eyes before I went back to glancing at the sky before us. “I’ve missed it a whole lot.”

Silence fell between us right after, as we watched the sky changing shades with a mix of red and tangerine streaks of lights dancing together, before it grew into a dark, indigo blue coloured sky as the sun continued to descend and darkness slowly took over. Jimin kept his hand on mine as we marvelled on the beautiful sight, a complete contrast to the white walls and ceilings that had been surrounding us for the past week. As we sat there, letting the darkness engulfed us for a moment before all the lights on the rooftop came to life, I felt warmth and peace for the first time in my life. And when my eyes fell into our entwined hands, for the first time after such a long time, I no longer felt so lonely or lost.

The little trip to the rooftop we made to watch the sun descending between the concrete buildings had made me grow tired that I dozed off right after. When I woke up again, it was already nightfall yet the sky seemed to have only turned dark not too long ago before I opened my eyes.

I was instantly engulfed by everything that was a part of Jimin the moment my senses came to wake — the silky soft bedspread that he used on his bed, the wonderful scent of his sweet cologne which took over the room against the scent of antibiotics and anti-bacterial products, and Jimin himself, who was dozing off right beside me, lying on his back while his hand was resting over his chest.

I could not remember how I had managed to fall asleep on his bed or how we managed to end up in his bedroom, but his warmth and soft breaths had put me at ease that I settled back down against him. If there was something I could immediately notice from being in Jimin’s arms, was that I felt like I was at peace and that his presence felt like home.

Moving slightly to get more comfortable by his side, I placed a hand on his chest and had my head resting on his shoulder. I could hear his heartbeat and soft breathing beneath me, lulling me back to sleep.

“You should wake up and go back to your room, love,” he suddenly whispered. I felt his lips on my forehead, brushing gently against my skin when he spoke.

I opened my eyes to meet his sleepy ones and pouted. “Don’t you want me here?”

Jimin chuckled softly and shook his head. “I do want you here, more than anything. But it’s your brother’s turn to keep you company for the night,” he reminded me with a sly grin, before he reminded me of what had happened the other day. “You practically kicked him out of the bedroom the other night even when you knew that he was so worried about you. He would hate me if you choose me over him again tonight.”

Sighing, I rested my head back on his shoulder, wishing that I could just go back to sleep instead. “He’ll probably get angry and sulk for a while, but I’m not sure about hating,” I murmured against his shirt. “But you’re right. I should go back. I’m probably smothering you because I keep bothering you and not give you a proper time to sleep.”

He brushed my hair gently with his cold fingers. “I’ve slept and rested enough, don’t you worry. You help me relax whenever you are close, so I don’t really mind to have you around,” he said, tilting my chin up to let me read all the sincerity in his eyes to know how much he had meant what he said.

The moment I saw his eyes, the urge to keep him close and to hold him tight grew much stronger inside me that I pulled him down to me. Neither of us said anything as our lips met each other, and every word we wanted to say to one another was replaced with a kiss. A very long, deep, and needy kiss to last us the whole night without each other.

It took me quite a long while before I could peel myself off of him. Then, not only did he help me settle down on my wheelchair, he had insisted to wheel me out and take me all the way back to my room.

“You don’t have to escort me all the way back too, Jimin. I could’ve asked the nurse to do this for me,” I protested as we finally came to my bedroom and found him sweating a little thanks to the little journey we had to take.

“I wanted to,” he said to me with a smile. “A little exercise before bed would be good for me. I also want to kiss you goodnight and tuck you to sleep. Don’t you want that?”

Of course, I wanted it.

But I chose to tease him a little by rolling my eyes. “Suit yourself,” I playfully scoffed at him. In return, Jimin scooped me out of the wheelchair and helped me lie down on my bed. Watching him carry me in his arms worried me a little, but his playfulness was still there as he tucked me under the blanket and he was showing not even an ounce of pain or any trouble in carrying my weight.

“Good night, love. I hope your dreams tonight will be beautiful,” he whispered to me while pressing his lips at my temple.

“Thanks to you, I know they will be.”

With my arms wrapped around him, I pulled him down to me so I could kiss his lips. Our kiss lingered, starting gently before it grew deeper when he fell over me. I was so lost in the kiss, lost in his touches, and was feeling as if I was flying high in the sky with how completed I felt and how much he made me feel so secure, as if I was coming home in his arms.

Our lips moulded to one another, our tongue entangled in the cavern of his mouth, and our hands entwined together as he held me close. We became so lost in our love, in the comfort of our warmth as our body were pressed against each other, that the world around us no longer mattered.

We couldn’t care if the earth around us would stop spinning, if the time would stop, and we definitely did not notice the presence of a man standing in the doorway. Neither of us realised that there was a pair of eyes watching us closely, rage radiating off of his gaze as he watched the woman he married years ago kissing and embracing another man right before his eyes.

It happened so fast.

One minute, I was lost in Jimin’s tender kiss. His warmth was the only thing I could feel and I was close to falling asleep in the comfort of his embrace. Then suddenly, he was yanked away from me. It was so rough and abrupt that I was pulled along with him. Even the air inside my chest was pulled away until everything around me started spinning.

It took me a few seconds to realise what was happening, before I finally recognised the voice yelling out with pure anger and noticed him.

“Who the fuck are you? What are you doing to my wife?”

I was frozen stiff, still in shock and in fear of what I was seeing. Jungkook’s face held so much rage which I had never once seen before as he came face to face with Jimin, glaring with hatred and pain in his eyes. He had his hand clutched at the front of Jimin’s shirt, pulling my best friend and lover’s body up to his chest as he kept yelling to his face.

Once I recovered from my shock, I looked down on his other hand and found it clenching at his side, as if he was trying so hard to hold back from pounding at Jimin’s face.

“Jungkook, don’t!” I screamed at him. My heartbeat was racing, and I tried to push myself off of the bed to stop him from hurting Jimin. But there was nothing I could do when my body failed me. All I could do was move an inch before my body fell sideways, too weak to rush to his side and tear them apart. “Jungkook, please—you’ll hurt him!”

Jungkook seemed surprised when he heard my voice. Either his rage had him nearly forgetting that I was there, or that he had never expected to have me defending someone else but him, he just fell silent. The rage in his eyes instantly turned into an icy glare to whatever he was seeing on my face when he looked at me.

Yet what caught us both by surprise was Jimin, when his eyes showed no fear even as he met Jungkook’s gaze, nor was he trembling as Jungkook held him in arm’s reach, with his fist ready to blow a punch to his face.

“So you’re the ex-husband?” Jimin asked him, chuckling softly while his eyes held a weird, gloomy mood as he gave a look of perusal at Jungkook. “Didn’t think you would be back so soon. Or so late.”

There was a glint of shock and insecurities in Jungkook’s eyes for a moment to what Jimin had said to him, and I could easily tell what his word implied. As if Jimin was having a blast at taunting my ex-husband, he only continued by saying, “Visiting hours are over. You shouldn’t be here, you know. Don’t want the security to catch you and kick you out of the hospital now, do we? Because unlike me, you are not allowed to be here and you are definitely not wanted.”

Jungkook’s hands tightened even further as the fire in his eyes rose to the surface and I instantly screamed, “Jungkook, please!”

But it was too late. Especially when the only thing Jungkook could hear was Jimin’s voice when he taunted my ex-husband once again with, “Why don’t you go run along and go back to where you came from so I can tuck her to sleep? That’s what I’ve been doing anyway, tucking her to bed while you’re out there fucking up your marriage.”

Nothing could stop what happened right after, when Jungkook finally threw a punch right at Jimin’s face before shoving him against the wall where Jungkook kept a chokehold around Jimin’s neck with his strong arm.

The only thing I could do was watch the scene unraveling through my tears and screamed for him to stop while crying for help. Thankfully, that was when help came, right before Jungkook could do any further damage. Hoseok came bursting through the door along with a couple of nurses following right behind, all with clear shock on their faces.

“What is going on?”

“Oh my God—call the security!”

“Sir, you need to stop!”

“Jungkook, what the fuck? Let him go!”

I heard my brother’s voice coming at last and I felt relieved for having him here. He saw the distress on my face and rushed to Jungkook while the nurses kept yelling at Jungkook and another rushed out to call the security.

As if he just snapped out of it, Jungkook finally released Jimin and his eyebrows furrowed deep when his eyes found me, shaking with fear on the edge of my bed while tears came running down my face. But I never bothered to look at him. I kept my eyes on Jimin as he toppled over, wrapping his palm around his neck and had one of his arms around his abdomen while he was coughing out blood.

“Jimin, no—” I cried for him, reaching out to grab him and hating myself for not being able to reach him or touch him. I felt completely powerless when I could not move and even more so when I could see that Jimin was in pain and I could do nothing about it when I was the reason why he was hurting.

“______,” Jungkook called my name before I felt his hands on me, trying to help me up while he was begging for me to look at him and look away from Jimin who was now on the floor. I could not see where Jimin was hurting or how much in pain he was by being too far, and I grew even more restless on every second of not knowing if he was okay.

“No!” I pushed Jungkook away as he grabbed my upper arms and pulled me to him. I finally turned to him. But the only thing I did was to scream at his face, “What have you done? You hurt him!”

Jungkook fell back a step and let me go when Hoseok pulled him away. With Jungkook out of the way, one of the nurses came rushing to Jimin, helping him up while the other went to help me to sit straight up on the bed. As I was settling down on my pillows, Jimin refused the nurse’s help and rushed to my side. I was a complete sobbing mess at this point, and it became worse when I finally saw the damage — his bruising cheek that may turn blue or black in the morning, the small cut at the corner of his lips, the drying blood on the back of his hand which he had gotten when he wiped his lips and the bloodstain which he had coughed up on his shirt.

“No, no, no—Jimin,” I cried and cried as I clutched my hands on his shirt. I felt powerless and angry at myself for letting him get hurt.

“Hey—” Jimin whispered to me as he cupped my face with his trembling hands. His eyes were misty and I could sense how badly he was trying to mask his pain when he forced a smile, hiding them away from me when he gently whispered, “Sshh, baby—I’m okay, love. Look at me, I’m fine.” He caught my chin, forcing me to look up before he leaned to me, completely disregarding the other people around us as he kissed my tears away.

I sensed people moving and heard some shuffling as I closed my eyes, enjoying the way Jimin was calming me down before I reached and wrapped my arms around him, holding him close to me. The nurses started to leave, stopping briefly at Hoseok’s side to whisper something to him. I didn’t bother to look. All I could hear was his calm voice reassuring them, “I got this,” before the nurses walked out the door.

Another movement was made, and I could tell that it was possibly Jungkook trying to reach for me without even looking. But Hoseok must have stopped him when I heard him speak, “You need to leave. They’re calling security.”

“I just—” Jungkook’s voice came out deflated, as if his rage and all of his spirit were gone. “I just wanted to see her.”

“I know,” Hoseok told him. “But you’re only giving her stress and she needs to rest. Come back tomorrow. Just—leave before she decides she doesn’t want to see you.”

Nobody made another move for a brief moment, until I heard him call my name.

“_______?” Jungkook called me, sounding unsure about it before stopping himself when I tightened my arms around Jimin, shaking my head against his chest as I refused to look at my ex-husband or my brother. I could feel Jimin moving in my arms, turning us around a little to hide me away from Jungkook’s eyes.

I could vaguely guess that he might have looked over to Jungkook, challenging him somehow, because the next thing I heard was Jungkook’s voice, turning ice-cold and determined when he spoke, “Alright, I’ll come back tomorrow.”

Hard footsteps were heard leaving the room which I recognised as Jungkook’s, but I still kept my eyes closed, still kept my face buried in Jimin’s chest where I could hear his heartbeat slowly settling down to a steady pace. For some reason, I could feel my world and my hope crumbling to pieces, and Jimin was the last thread that was holding everything together, even if I could already feel it coming close to snapping apart.

After years of having him breaking his promises, Jungkook did return the next day as promised, right when the morning visitation hours had just started.

Hoseok had stayed for the night and he had just finished cleaning up what was remained of my breakfast. It was still early for Jimin to be here. And though I resented the fact that he would need the extra hours of resting in his room this morning that I would not be able to see him until the end of today, especially after what had happened last night, I was relieved that he was not present when Jungkook arrived. Even Jungkook had taken a brief moment to look around when he came into the room, as if he was searching for him, and was visibly relieved to see that Hoseok was the only person there.

“Can we talk?” Jungkook asked me, looking nervous when he spoke. The bags under his eyes were dark and deep, and it made me wonder if he also had trouble resting last night after the chaos he had created. I dreaded the thought of smelling any scent of liquor if he had gotten too close, since I knew he would always reserve to drinking whenever he got restless.

“Then talk,” was all I said to him, keeping my back resting against the pillows and my hands crossed on my lap.

Jungkook looked over between me and Hoseok who was now sitting next to the bed. “I was hoping that we can talk alone,” Jungkook added, yet he kept his eyes on Hoseok, as if he intended to say those words to my brother so he could leave.

“I don’t think—” Hoseok started to refuse, but I stopped him from finishing his sentence.

“That’s alright,” I told my brother, to which he turned to me with a concerned look on his face.

“Are you sure?”

I nodded. “I should listen to what he has to say. Besides, you have to return those to the nurses, don’t you?” I pointed at the tray and the half-empty plates he had set down on the bedside table and smiled to him. “And you haven’t had your breakfast and coffee yet. You should take a break for a few minutes. It’ll be fine.”

I could tell that my brother was not completely sure about leaving me alone with Jungkook, but I reached out to grab his hand and squeezed.

“Fine,” he finally said, sighing in defeat before his eyes glared at my ex-husband. “Don’t stress her out,” he said to Jungkook, then turned to me. “Call if you need anything. I’m leaving your cellphone beside the bed.”

Neither of us spoke a word after Hoseok left me and Jungkook alone in the room.

Jungkook had taken the empty chair Hoseok left behind and sat down on it. He had come in bearing gifts — a bouquet of flowers which was now resting on the bedside table, a small polar bear plushie which was now resting on my lap, and a small basket of fruits.

“This is—really nice of you,” I finally spoke once the silence and the tension around us became unbearable. My fingers were nervously pulling the soft fur on the polar bear’s tummy just so I could stop myself from feeling so tense around him. “Thank you. For the gifts, I mean.”

Jungkook nodded but kept his eyes on the bear. “I just wanted to say I’m sorry—” he started to speak, clearing his throat a little when his voice came out shaky, “—about last night. I, uh—perhaps I overreacted. I only came to see you, but then I saw you with—”

He stopped and clenched his jaw. I could not say a word and chose to wait until he continued to speak. I did promise to listen, after all. But then he only exhaled a deep breath and pointed at the bear in my hands. “I heard it can be lonely at night here. I know Hoseok stays the night with you but I figured the bear would be nice for you to keep, just in case you need something to hold on to.”

I chose not to correct him and tell him that either Yoongi or Jimin would take my brother’s place once in a while to keep me from feeling lonely, but I kept my mouth shut and gave him a smile instead. His words had also snapped something inside me that brought me back to the past, to remind me how often he would do this to me when we were still together, how he would come to me with small gifts just to surprise me and make me smile whenever he would notice me having a bad day.

That time in the past now seemed so long ago. For he had ruined those small, beautiful moments with all the painful ones. I looked down, shaking my head just to clear my mind out of it.

“Thank you. He’s really cute,” I told him while waving the polar bear’s hand at him. That had brought Jungkook’s lips to curl up into a smile and I could feel the tension between us slowly breaking down.

“I’m glad you like him,” he said, sighing in relief and smiling to me before asking, “How are you doing?”

Shrugging, I looked down on my lap as I answered, “I’m fine, but that’s only because you caught me on one of my good days. I got my bad days just as much as my good ones, so consider yourself lucky.”

Jungkook furrowed his brows. “What—what are your bad days like?”

Licking my dry lips, I began to answer cautiously, “Waking up with nauseous, drowsiness, or oftentimes, fever. Sometimes my skin will feel sensitive to any kind of touches while my tongue can barely taste anything and my throat will be in too much pain for me to swallow any food or water. Pain happening everywhere that I won’t even know where they begin and where they end. I’d sleep more than I am awake, then I’d wake up with my pillow filled with hair—” I stopped then and reached the top of my head, suddenly feeling self-conscious about myself and the fact that my hair had been thinning drastically after my last treatment.

Jungkook had placed his hands on the edge of my bed and he clenched them tightly. In fact, every single inch of his body was tense. His jaw ticked as his eyes followed the movement of my hand as I ran it up and down my thin hair. “Was that the reason why you cut your hair short?”

My hand stopped and I clutched the polar bear plushie on my lap with my hands. “I already started chemotherapy when I came by the house last time.” I closed my eyes as the memory from that day came back to me — the last time I lied on our bed with him, side by side, before he finally let me walk out the door. The reason why he came back and started acting this way was completely lost to me, when he had vowed to let me go and allow me to move on.

When I opened my eyes again, Jungkook still had his eyes closed shut. “What was it yesterday?”

I looked up to him and tried to read his expression just as he opened my eyes to me. But he showed me nothing as he waited for my answer.

“A little bit of both, I guess?” I finally answered him. “I just had a few test runs and 12-hours chemo the day before which gave me terrible exhaustion and pain. I was grateful I escaped the fever coming to me the next morning, but the pain was so surreal that I had to rest for the entire day. You came just as I had returned from a little tour Jimin gave me to get my mind out of the pain,” I explained to him, leaving out the fact that his first visit to my room was the first thing which had led me into that long, painful day.

A sudden change of mood trickled in the air and his expression hardened. His eyes turned ice cold all of a sudden, which threw me completely off guard. But before I could even question it, I quickly realised that I had mentioned his name.

“Jimin, hmm?” Jungkook questioned me with his hands clutched tighter. I could feel his rage coming while my anxiety rose up high. “Is he your new boyfriend? Was he the reason why you asked for a divorce? So you can be free to make out with him while you’re here in the hospital?”

How dare he, I cursed silently. I could not believe that he would think so low of me, or to accuse Jimin of anything so low. He knew exactly the reason why I wanted a divorce. I should have known that he would always turn the table and put the blame on me.

“You know the reason why I asked for the divorce, Jungkook. You knew and you agreed,” I said to him. I was seething with anger but I held myself back the best I could. I would not let him ruin my good day. Not again. “You can’t come here, asking for a chance to see me only to talk to me this way. What I do or don’t do while I’m in this hospital really is none of your business, Jungkook. Not anymore!”

“It is my business. It still is!” He suddenly burst into anger and pushed himself off the chair. He leaned over me to intimidate me with his dark gaze. He opened his mouth to speak but quickly snapped out of it. As if he just remembered Hoseok’s warning earlier, his eyes snapped wide open and he pulled back.

Yet the anger in his eyes remained.

With his hands clenched on his side, Jungkook stood by the window and spoke to me with a low voice, “I made my mistakes and I admit every single one of them. I will spend the rest of my life making things right for you, to tell you—no, to show you that I am sorry, that I truly, deeply regretted everything I have done to hurt you and all the things I did to ruin us. But my biggest mistake was to let you walk away, to let you leave. I am not going to make that mistake again, ______. I am not going to just sit down and do nothing as you fall into another man’s arms.”

As Jungkook kept talking, the intensity in his voice grew just as fast as his anger was rising. His whole body was shaking as he held back from reaching out to me, while his chest kept heaving, as he kept breathing quick and shallow to hold back that rage and jealousy he had even if I could see everything through his eyes.

He kept his eyes on me, locking me in place with his penetrating gaze when he continued without giving me a chance to speak, “I will spend the rest of my life begging for your forgiveness, for breaking your heart and for violating our marriage. But I really think you should know by now that if you carry on whatever it is you have with him, then you’ll be no different than me.”

I had been completely speechless and in shock to his rants, but his final statement was the one that surprised me the most. My heartbeat kept pacing rapidly inside my chest as my anxiety refused to settle, as if everything in me was letting me know that I would not be happy to hear whatever he was trying to say to me.

“What—” I tried to speak, but stopped myself when my voice got caught in my throat. My whole body was shaking, wariness came building inside my chest, but I clenched my fists around the plushie doll he gave me and forced myself to speak, “What on earth are you talking about?”

Jungkook straightened his back and looked straight into my eyes with full determination on his face. And then my suspicion was confirmed the moment he spoke, the moment he ripped apart every hope I ever had of having my last chance of happiness by saying,

“I never signed the papers. Do you know what that means? It means you are still my wife. You are still legally mine.”

All Rights Reserved © 2016-2020 Yoonia

Disclaimer: All works are written by myself. Any copyright infringement, reposting on any other social media or website, and any act of plagiarism will be dealt with legal action

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