#so basically the 1 year anniversary of the end of my abusive relationship is coming up in a few weeks

[electricpossibilities]

mutuals, if you have any ideas....

#so basically the 1 year anniversary of the end of my abusive relationship is coming up in a few weeks #and i want to celebrate bc of getting away and healing and taking back power etc etc #currently brainstorming some celebratory ideas and wondering if anything comes to mind for you

[loyalshipper]

May I introduce the Tumblr DC community to one of my two favorite Batfam AUs I have created. Bruce Wayne owns a hotel/museum near an ocean cliff and still has a chronic adoption problem but doesn’t fight crime. (If anyone writes this you can make it to where heroes still exist, the Batfam are the inly no capes)

WE still exists but it isn’t run by Bruce it is run by Lucius because back in the 60s Thomas and Martha bought the hotel and wanted that to be their legacy. They still die the same way but Bruce puts all his efforts into running and blossoming the hotel which was his parent’s dream project.

I’ll get back into the hotel in a minute I’m taking about the kids now

Dick is gotten a similar way, he visits the Cape with Haly’s Circus, his parents die because of faulty wiring sold to the circus by Zucco and Dick becomes an orphan. Bruce just so happened to use his one night off in a while to go see the circus. He keeps thinking about Dick and ends up adopting him. He helps Dick and the Circus bring Zucco to justice and sues the hell out of him and shuts down his business. (Adopted at 8))

Jason was found living in one of the shut down rooms of the hotel. Because his dad left and was in prison and his mom od. So Bruce treats him like a wild animal and starts to leave food out on a regular schedule until Jason gets comfortable with him and he adopts Jason. (five years younger than Dick)

Tim was the son of two wealthy archaeologists who were gone 11 out of the 12 months. Bruce met Tim because he liked to come into the museum and take pictures of the museum exhibits and hotel architecture and shoreline which he would develop and give copies to Bruce. So he opens his house to this little boy with a penchant for photography. Until one day Tim’e parents call Tim telling him that they are staying in Egypt permanently because the archeological dig is producing wonderous results and they’ll be hiring him an around the clock sitter. Only for Tim to wait three weeks and no one shows up. They went so far as to fire Ms. Mac but never hired a sitter for their son. So he goes to Bruce in tears and explains everything, because this is it-his parents finally did abandon him, and Bruce sues them for custody of Tim. (Three years younger than Jason, adopted at 7)

Damian was the result of a relationship Bruce had in college while studying hotel management and hospitality. Talia is the daughter of a hotel conglomerate owner who is currently trying to buy Bruce’s hotel so it can be torn down and Ra’s can built a new hyper expensive hotel in its place. Damian was sent to live with Bruce to try and get Bruce to have Damian inherit the hotel so Ra’s can get it and destroy it, but that backfired because instead Damian falls in love with the hotel and his new family (reluctantly) and wants to see the hotel and museum flourish, not tear down this historical piece of architecture to replace it with a soulless hotel only available to the wealthy elite. But something available to everyone that families vacation to because there is so much history and beauty in a thing that has stood for centuries. So Damian turns against Ra’s. Due not that while Damian and Tim do have a sibling rivalry it is not as vicious and cutting as it is in canon. They love each other they just don’t mesh well while in the same room. And yes, Damian still has his variety of pets (7 years younger than Tim)

Cass came to the hotel with her “father,” David Cain, who went to the Cape for business, and just ended up leaving and forgetting Cass at the hotel. He was still abusive and Cass had trouble speaking but he wasn’t “turn Cass into the world’s greatest assassin” abusive. After Bruce finds Cass, he sues Cain for parental custody and then ruins his life unrepentantly. (Couple of months older than Jason)

After Martha and Thomas died, Alfred took over managing the hotel while Bruce was still growing up and while he was getting his degrees, now he is the grandfather to Bruce’s many kids and helps to keep them running and cared for while they run and care for the hotel. He’s also the one that helps the new kids transfer into the life of running a hotel.

Barbara is the daughter of the Police Comissioner still who became friends with Dick and works, first part time at the museum/hotel and then full time. Same with Steph and Tim (1 year older than Dick)

Cullen and Harper work at the museum, Helena works at the hotel. Carrie does both. Duke is the newest acquisition. Only, his parents disappeared and no one has been able to find them yet. So Bruce currently had temporary custody of Duke who lives at the hotel with everyone. (Harper is a year older than Tim, Cullen is a year younger than Tim, Carrie is the same age as Jason, Duke is a few months younger than Tim)

Each person has different jobs. (Dick is concierge/check-in, Jason does guided history tours of the hotel/museum/grounds, Tim works in financials because he deals with the least amount of people, Helena, Carrie and Steph are both maids, Carrie also does janitorial stuff with Cullen, Barbara works hotel check-in with Dick, Barbara and Harper work cashier at the gift shop, Duke doesn’t have a job yet because he is still dealing with the disappearance of his parents, Damian does every job to see where he fits in best.

JARRO IS THE FAMILY PET STARFISH THAT TIM ADOPTED WHEN HE FIRST JOINED THE FAMILY AND RESCUED FROM BEING EATEN OFF THE BEACH

The hotel is still fully staffed with not-batkids, like grounds keepers and other hotel cleaners and janitors.

Location time!

I’m turning Gotham nicer and changing the geography of the city.

The hotel Museum rests about 200 yds from a cliff that overlooks a beach. There is a well maintained stair case put into the cliff for people to walk down, as well as a longer gravel path that follows the cliff edge down to the shoreline. It is frequented by seals, sea lions, and in the distance, dolphins and whales. The hotel it’s self has about 100 or so acres of land and a long drive but it is technically within walking distance to the city. And it’s a normal coastal town with a port and touristic areas. Kinda eerie at night when the fog rolls in but that’s part of the charm of the NorthEast.

Selina is just Bruce’s friend in this. She is Helena’s mother and Bruce was a surrogate for her. She decided she wanted a baby and Bruce offered to be a donor. So Selina had Helena and Bruce is part of her life but not as her dad, which was the agreement. Selina takes care of the stray animals on the grounds and favors the cats.

Clark is a reporter that was tasked to right an article on the hotel and it’s history, became good friends with Bruce and brings his family (Lois, Jon, Bizarro, Kon, Kara, Lena, Chris, Ma, Pa, and Lex) on vacation to it every year. Lex and Clark are divorced husbands that left on good terms and are friendly enough to coparent their son, Connor, who was made the same way as canon but less hush hush and illegally, Kara is Clark’s cousin and Lena is her fiancée, Lois is his wife, Jon and Bizarro are their two biological sons (Bizarro has autism), Chris is their foster son. Bizarro latches onto Jason in a way that he hasn’t before and always loves coming to the hotel, Jon and Chris are best friends with Damian, Connor and Tim are long distance dating.

Collin, Maya, and Maps are Damian’s best friends from school (Damian has a crush on Collin) and he’s trying to convince them to join the hotel staff like his siblings’ friends but they are a) too young and b) not interested.

Roy has all of his problems as in canon and gets help for it, so as a way to try and bring the family closer, Oliver and Dinah arrange a vacation to the hotel for them Roy and Lian. As a stepping stone kind of thing. Get away from daily stress. Roy is resistant at first until he and Jason hit it off and start talking and Jason talks sense into him and they strike up a friendship turned romance.

The Flashfam visit the museum diring a countrywide roadtrip and mad the stop because Bart is a history buff and wouldn’t stop talking about it the entire trip. He becomes fast friends with Tim and is the only person to ever get a Tim Wayne history tour. No matter what Kon tells you he is super salty about it. Wally and Dick were internet friends and used the roadtrip as a way to be able to meet up.

Thad is the obligatory complainer who doesn’t want to stay in a musty old hotel.

Ivy is the main grounds keeper and is in charge of the native wildlife sanctuary most of the land is used for, as well as taking care of the native plantlife and lives in town with her girlfriend, Harley. Harley helps the kids prank Bruce.

Harley is a children’s psychiatrist hired by Bruce to help the kids deal with their various traumas. Her coming to the hotel for sessions is how she and Ivy met.

They started dating between Dick and Jason and Dick talks up each of them to the other, but each individual kid that comes in think they’d be cute together (since they are both professional while working there isn’t immediate proof that they are dating. But they will flirt with each other if they see each other) and it’s basically a right if passage to try and convince their siblings to help them get together and then try and set them up on their own and find out the hard way that they’re already together. They love seeing all the different way the kids try and set them up. They tend to go along with it until either the kids realise or they take pity on them.

Their favorite was Damian’s where he set up an entire romantic dinner at the hotel restaurant and Dick managed to slyly convince him to set it on a certain day that turned out to be Harley and Ivy’s anniversary.

Alfred is the head chef for the hotel, making room service meals and the breakfast buffet line up. Jason will help him out if he isn’t busy with other things.

Victor Fries and his wife hold an ice cream social ever summer at the hotel with all the ice cream flavors they came up with over the last year.

Edward Nygma, famous escape room designer, is hired to make an escape room themed on the hotel and museum that is built on the grounds near the main building.

Another ritual that starts, begins with Tim, where the older siblings convince the newest one that the hotel is haunted and Jason takes them on a “haunted ghost tour” of the abandoned part of the hotel (the part that is too dilapidated and run down to remodel safely) while the others are stationed at different parts of the hotel and grounds to run whatever scenario to scare the new kid. The only one that hasn’t been done to is Cass because even after several years she still jumps a little too hard at loud noises. But one time Jason accident closed a door a little too harshly while Cass and Tim were doing something and it caused her to jump so hard she knocked over Tim and started crying. They were contemplating whether she was strong enough to do it or not and that cemented that she wasn’t.

Tim and Cass are nearly inseparable and are commonly referred to as the Wayne Twins. For Halloween they decided to go as each other.

#batfamily #bruce wayne #batfam au #no capes au #dick grayson #jason todd #time drake #cassandra wayne #damian wayne #Duke Thomas #selina kyle #helena bertinelli #barbara gordon #flashfam #superfam #arrowfam #clark kent #lois lane #lex luthor #chris kent #bizarro #jon kent #kon kent #roy harper #alfred pennyworth #poison Ivy #harley quinn #edward nygma #victor fries and his wife #long post

[amyisherenowitsokay]

You know what just to SPICE it up a bit imma say zadr too bitch

This bitch tryna give me arthritis smdh. Making me out myself for my dual-ship on main, can't even believe a bitch.

PRE-RELATIONSHIP

1. How did they first meet?

School. We must never forget the infamous handcuffs scene.

2. What was their first impression of each other?

Pure, unrivaled loathing.

3. Did any of their friends or family want them to get together?

Gaz said "kiss already" and throws things at them when they're getting too far away from "I want you dead" territory and well into "you want to fuck me so bad and it makes you look stupid" territory. Professor Membrane thinks they're adorable.

4. Who felt romantic feelings first?

Dib. Hormones get the best of us all. You can only be obsessed with someone so long before motivations get blurry.

5. Did either of them try to resist their feelings?

Zim would nearly break his PAK and commit accidental die trying to delete the emotions or install an emotional inhibitor. Dib would have a full mental breakdown trying to sort through it, which would manifest poorly in his behavior and negatively impact his ability to engage in their usual altercations. Pro tip: if you are painfully attracted to someone, being in a position where they pin you to the asphalt or lean over your desk to hiss insults at you is a bad idea.

6. If you had told one of them that the other would be their soulmate, what would they think?

I stand by what I said on my ZAGR post in that Zim doesn't know what a soulmate is, or the concept of a soul, but given this is in regards to his arch-nemesis instead of a creature he's mostly indifferent too, he'd be pissed at the insinuation he was in any way bound to Dib. Dib's fragile psyche would not survive the revelation.

7. What would their lives be like if they had never met?

Really empty. Their rivalry and parallel situations regarding neglectful authority figures is what keeps them going for so many years.

GENERAL

1. Who initiated the relationship, and how did it go?

As someone who thinks Zim doesn't understand even the concept of not being a possessive jackass, I think Zim just sort of concludes after awhile that, regardless of Dib's feelings, or even Zim's own feelings, whatever they have makes them wholly and entirely each other's. Just completely and hilariously misunderstanding the concept of a relationship, but still being incredibly presumptive in assuming they already have one. He also doesn't let Dib know of this revelation either, so eventually Dib explodes about his crush, and Zim's like "we are already together???? moron???" Dib could argue, and he kind of wants to, but he also never expected Zim to reciprocate, so he just sort of nods and is like "you know what, sure" and that's the end of it. They do not have an anniversary, but Dib's not really like that, and Zim doesn't know anniversaries are a thing anyways.

2. Did they have an official first date? If so, what was it like?

Again, stealing from my own ZAGR post, but I don't think Zim's really a 'date' person who would plan out that sort of thing. Dib is an awkward moron with arguably worse social skills than even Zim, and mentally comes to the conclusion that dragging Zim on investigations is basically like a date, and Zim doesn't bitch about it anymore than expected, therefore he is a master of romance, so it's fine.

3. What was their first kiss like?

Awkward, and quick. Dib is not a great communicator, nor is he great at explaining things like human demonstrations of affection, especially not when Zim's scowling impatiently at him through is fumbling and stuttering. He just goes for it, and it's quick and he misses his mouth almost. Zim is extremely surprised, especially when Dib makes terrible excuses about needing to be elsewhere and flees. Zim does his own research, and their second kiss is predated by a lecture about being better than Dib at everything/Dib being bad at everything. It is much more successful, even if afterwards Dib instigates a fight about Zim's tongue being weird.

4. Were they each other’s first anything (kiss, relationship, etc.)?

First everything, except kiss. Gretchen kissed Dib in high school as a dare. Zim will never forgive her for it.

5. What’s their height difference? Age difference?

I'd die to make them the same height, but I think the image of Zim being average height while Dib is a gangly big boi is just too funny. Zim would be pissed, and Dib would be so smug but so uncoordinated.

6. What’s their relationship with each other’s families?

Gaz interacts with them as minimally as possible, because they are loud and gross and annoying, but she's okay with Zim overall. They have a mutual understanding that Dib is stupid, completely reckless, and requires constant supervision to keep him from getting eaten by a ghoul or something. Gaz does genuinely trust him to skewer anything that tries to kill her brother, but she also knows that Dib isn't the only one with 0 sense of self-preservation. Dib was initially wary of Professor Membrane's reaction, because his dad is sort of unpredictable when it comes to his only son, but the Professor's only commentary is that he is glad his son finally made it official with his 'little green friend.' Dib then realizes that the implication in that perpetual comment about Zim had air quotes around that "friend" part all along.

Dib thinks Gir's gross and loud and doesn't get him, but he likes to team up with him and/or use him as a means to annoy Zim. The Base hates him, because now there's two morons with no sense of self-preservation that it needs to keep track of. Minimoose and Dib are bros.

7. Who takes the lead in social situations?

Zim, if only because he is arguably more 'charming' than Dib's fumbling attempts at communication with non-paranormal parties.

8. Who gets jealous easier?

Zim. Dib I think would have his 'HTTYD Hiccup moment' as he gets older, but still has that ingrained low self-esteem from years of ridicule and abuse. He is completely oblivious to the new attention he gets. Zim, however, is not. Dib never really notices the cause of his weird snarling and clinginess, but he shrugs it off as Zim just being weird and continues with whatever he was doing.

9. Who whispers inappropriate things in the other’s ear?

Zim is a slut, I will die on this hill.

LOVE

1. Who said “I love you” first?

Dib. He says it casually, in the dark, when they're on a stake-out to find some wood goblin or something. He says it like he's talking about something plane and unremarkable.

I think a ZADR relationship would need Zim to be a lot more independent in terms of researching how romantic relationships 'work,' since Dib's not a great communicator, and there's an ingrained rivalry that will never dissolve between them, no matter how many times they kiss, so Zim would be a lot more motivated to figure things out on his own. He would, in this circumstance, know the weight of Dib's way-too-casual admittance, and it would be a huge shock to him. He'd be pretty shaken about it for awhile, and Dib's not bothered when he doesn't reply. Dib would be pretty sure Zim would never admit it, but he does, eventually, because he refuses to be a coward about it.

2. What are their primary love languages?

Verbal affirmations. With their self-esteems firmly in the toilet in Zim's kitchen, being able to have someone validate them who they respect would mean a lot to them.

3. Who uses cheesy pick-up lines?

Dib. He uses it to start fights with Zim about linguistics and metaphors. Also, he's 99.9% positive Zim secretly is flattered by it, but hates that he is.

4. How often do they cuddle/engage in PDA?

Zim is very clingy, but Dib's too on the move to really pin down for a good cuddle frequently. He's twitchy and his minds always racing, but every once in a while when Zim's completely fed up, or Dib's running on fumes but still forcing himself on, Zim will all but pin him to a cushioned surface and force him to sleep. Neither of them are PDA people.

5. Who initiates kisses?

Zim. Dib's really shy about it, and also normally too distracted to pay Zim the attention he so obviously deserves, and often misses Zim's 'signals.'

6. Who’s the big and little spoon?

PAK not comfy against sternum. It's also easier to force Dib to sleep if he's the big spoon, because he can pin his limbs.

7. What are their favorite things to do together?

Paranormal investigations, and morally ambiguous and/or largely dangerous experiments.

8. Who’s better at comforting the other?

Dib, which is hilarious, because he's about as smooth as a cheese grater, but he is very attuned to the person he's been obsessed with for years, and he can also relate to a lot of his issues. While Zim usually shrugs off the sentimentality and the empathy, dismissing it as 'pity,' the affirmation means a lot to him.

9. Who’s more protective?

Zim. He has to anticipate his lover's stupidity to make sure he stays alive to hunt ghosts another day.

10. Do they prefer verbal or physical affection?

Verbal. Hormones are real, but there's something that eases the sting of years of abusive in a crooning praise or a sincere compliment.

11. What are some songs that apply to their relationship, in-universe or otherwise?

https://open.spotify.com/track/3IvUhEVbbA81QnEVhsFHiH?si=b3c5787c9ff14105

12. What kind of nicknames do they call each other?

It is primarily age-old insults that lack the bite and sincerity they once had.

13. Who remembers the little things?

Dib. Zim isn't inattentive by any means, cataloguing all of Dib's weird habits and nuances and what not, but for all the compensating Zim does to keep Dib safe and healthy, Dib reciprocates in meaningful gestures. He remembers to pack Zim-friendly snacks on their road trips and ways to keep Gir entertained, if they have to bring him. He always checks the weather and has an extra coat, just in case. Never makes Zim feel bad about needing to check, just one more time, to see if he got any incoming messages from home.

DOMESTIC LIFE

1. If they get married, who proposes?

Dib.

2. What’s the wedding like? Who attends?

It's just Gaz, Minimoose, and Gir. Membrane is too far away to attend, but that was deliberate. Dib didn't want his tendency to make things about 'the Membrane line' effect the intimacy and importance of the ceremony. Also, Zim insists on incorporating some Irken rituals into it, so it'd be hard to make excuses and explanations to why Zim wants Dib to fuck with his weird pink backpack during their wedding.

3. How many kids do they have, if any? What are they like?

No kiddos. Neither of them would be interested, even if it was biologically possible.

4. Do they have any pets?

Seriously, Gir counts, right?

5. Who’s the stricter parent?

Dib. Zim refuses to parent Gir when Dib is more inclined to do it, since he's more irritated by it.

6. Who worries the most?

Dib has perpetual anxiety. So does Zim, but he masks it better.

7. Who kills the bugs in the house?

Dib, to prevent the gooey grossness that is Gir's bug-breath.

8. How do they celebrate holidays?

Just with Gaz.

9. Who’s more likely to convince the other to come back to sleep in the morning?

Zim will strap Dib to a bed himself to get him to go the fuck to sleep, because it's been over 48 hours you insufferable human, and--!

10. Who’s the better cook?

Dib's idea of cooking is a microwave, salt, and pepper. Zim is forced to learn the wonders of human food to keep his idiot from dying of malnutrition.

11. Who likes to dance?

Gir.

#my hand #is deceased #invader zim #ZADR #asks #Zim #Dib #amyisherenowansweringyou

[lesbianrobin]

So hot take but... Hopper IS abusive. He’s not an abusive CHARACTER, like Billy and his dad are written to be, but he’s emotionally and psychologically abusive to El in the scene he tells her he could send her back to the lab. It’s for a lot of reasons - his anger issues he’s never dealt with, his trauma from losing Sarah and being in a war, his own resurfacing “anniversary effect“ - but I think it’s really important that people stop down-playing abusive behaviour, especially in parents, just (1

2) because they’re not villains. What he does is abuse, and how El reacts to it is very realistic. What I think is more important, and makes me disagree (respectfully) with your bullet point about him being worse in season two, is that they let him have scenes that show how hard he’s trying with her, and, most importantly, where he apologizes to her, and shows that he’s doing the work to be better. He’s not really a good or bad parent, but season two Hopper was doing his best in an impossible situation with no help, and he recognized that and was trying to be better. This is why season three Hopper was, to me, the worst: he’s still as angry and violent, but he’s allowed to swagger around and be framed as right, never apologizes once, we don’t see him with El enough to know how much progress he’s made, and his anger issues are played for laughs now (like a lot of things in season three that shouldn’t have been). I guess it’s the framing that I have the biggest problem with; he doesn’t have to try any more, or acknowledge how he hurts the people (girls and women) around him. He’s not okay, but season two Hopper knew that and wanted to be better for El, and season three Hopper seems to embrace it. 

You’ve given me a lot to work with here and I don’t know what to say!! I can definitely see where you’re coming from, and I thank you for sending such a well-thought-out ask. Before I get into this, I’d like to say that I am not an abuse survivor myself, and if you have experience with abuse and see Hopper in a certain way, I absolutely respect that and I think you have the right to interpret his behavior however you want, because he’s a fictional character! We can disagree!

People all have different ideas of what constitutes abuse and abusive behavior, and I personally don’t think that Hopper is ever abusive, because I think that calling him as such implies a pattern of extreme behavior that I don’t believe exists. I think that he has issues. I think that he does things that hurt El, but there’s a difference, to me, between harmful/unhealthy behaviors and abusive ones. My own parents have, at times, yelled at me, taken away things that I care about, and said cruel things that hurt me, like Hopper in S2. I would never go so far as to call them abusive, though, because these instances were not the norm, my everyday life is generally peaceful, they don’t intend to intimidate or harm me, and I understand that parents are just as capable of making mistakes as anybody. This same reasoning applies to Hopper.

Hopper most certainly has issues with anger, and he should not have yelled and belittled her the way he did, but it is El who escalates their argument to physical threat. He’s an asshole, but he’s not abusive. I think that he was short-sighted and struggled to understand how isolation would affect El, when he himself generally lived a rather isolated life and didn’t see the issue, and I think that he struggled with establishing age-appropriate rules with El. He treated her like a little kid sometimes and like an adult others, because his own daughter died when she was half El’s age and he’s only been around adults since then. Abuse implies, to me, patterns of unreasonably controlling and harmful behavior, but that isn’t what I see in Hopper’s relationship with El. 

He only really gets angry with her in S2 when she endangers herself unnecessarily, and I want to emphasize just how reasonable his fears are. Benny was murdered in cold blood just because he saw El. Hopper knows that there is an incredibly real chance that if El is seen, she will be kidnapped by the government and tortured for the rest of her life. I think the worst thing he does in S2 is tell El that he could send her back to the lab, and while he shouldn’t have said it, it was very clearly an empty threat, considering the fact that he’s only angry with her because she took a risk that might have resulted in her being taken again by the lab. It’s like when most parents say, “I brought you into this world, and I can take you out of it, too.” A fucked up thing to say? Yes! Abusive? No, not in my opinion. He’s overprotective, but it’s extremely reasonable considering El’s situation, and he takes steps to correct this behavior between S2 and S3, allowing El to come and go more or less freely and spend time with her friends and boyfriend so long as she’s safe and smart about it and keeps him notified of her location.

In S3, we don’t get to see El with Hopper much, but he seems to have relaxed a lot as indicated by the fact that she’s allowed to do whatever she wants with her friends as long as they stay away from big crowds, and he DOES make an effort to speak with her and Mike and have a heart-to-heart! I think that it would have been unrealistic for him to pull a complete 180 between S2 and S3, and it seems to me like he’s continuing to do his best while struggling with his own issues. I think they went overboard with his threatening Mike, but once again, I don’t think it crosses a line into abuse territory. Hopper set reasonable rules as a parent, rules which El and Mike flouted, and while he shouldn’t have lost his cool, he wasn’t intentionally trying to distance El from her friends/boyfriend or trying to control her behavior any more than is reasonable as the parent of a 13/14-year-old girl whose boyfriend knows a hell of a lot more about the world than she does, and who tends to trust her boyfriend’s word and follow his lead on everything. I think that his restrictions are reasonable, and while he loses his temper sometimes, he never intimidates El, he doesn’t try to seriously threaten her, he tries to teach her so that she can be safe and self-sufficient, and he knows that he has issues and is making an effort to improve.

So, basically, I believe Hopper is making an effort with El in S3, and he’s doing better than he did in S2. It’s not something that can or should change overnight, and I find it pretty realistic that he continues to struggle with his anger and control issues even while he adjusts his behavior with El to be better.

Thank you again for sending this ask! I obviously have a lot more thoughts, but I don’t want this post to be insanely long, so I’ll end it here lmao

#long post #asks #stranger things #jim hopper #lesbianrobin.canon

[quarantinebreakup412081121]

Day 273 - “Hey so I’m garbage”

“Hey so I’m garbage

I’m talking to someone didn’t know how to bring it up and/or wanted to wait until holidays were over but then I would ruin your damn year already if I wait so fuck it.  I’m sorry, could have handled it way better but I guess that’s just classic ------”

That’s the message I received last night.

That’s the message I received after he apologized 5 weeks ago and said that he handled ending things with us poorly and that I deserved better and even during the years we were together that I deserved better.  “You meant a lot to me, maybe I wasn’t the best at articulating that or showing it but you’re really all I had. A job and you, unfortunately I focused more on the job and im sorry for that” were his actual words.

He also hit me with the “you’re an amazing person... and you deserve someone that will smother you in the affection and attention you deserve.  I’m the one that failed you.”

He said he had a lot of things to work on.

Well he has apparently miraculously fixed all of the issues he had within 5 weeks because he’s dating someone new.  So all of the things he couldn’t or wouldn’t do for or with me-- and the basic boyfriend-in-a-relationship things that he fought against doing constantly- I guess those have magically sorted and he’s ready to move on.

That’s sarcasm and very unlikely- but what’s more realistic is that he intentionally treated me the way he did because he could.  And he continued to do it because he wanted to and he knew I would pretend it was fine.  And he didn’t show me respect throughout most of our relationship, and he’s continuing to treat me like that now as well.  Maybe it made him feel powerful and in charge.  I don’t know.  I’ll never know.  It sounds to me like he lied to me about everything he said in his apology and probably only brought that stuff up because he was talking to someone new and wanted to clear his conscience of whatever microscopic amount of "guilt” he was feeling.

He has done a stupendous job of finding unexpected and creative ways to hurt me, put me down, and make me feel worthless.  But last night took the fucking cake.  No, honestly, that even beat his “It’s not working out. We should move on.” text back in March on Day 1.

“It’s not working out.  We should move on.” after 5 years and 2 months.  In the months leading up to it, there was no Christmas present, no anniversary acknowledgement, no Valentine, and no idea as to why I was hurt by any of that...  Then he blessed me with the breakup initiation via text.

Some people are trash and I get that.  But how did I allow myself to date one of them for 5 years?  Someone close to me told me that I shouldn’t let him control how I’m feeling- but that it made sense that I was feeling this way and that it’s the same way people in abusive relationships still have emotional connections to their abusers and have a hard time getting past things even though they’re in a better situation away from the abuser.  That’s the closest thing I can compare this to.  Don’t get it twisted-- there was never any physical abuse, but emotionally... it’s the worst I’ve ever been treated by anyone.

He’s an asshole, so of course he dropped that on me last night, when he knows I’m still celebrating and enjoying Christmas.  And I was.  In fact, I was enjoying it and not stressed about him at all because we’d been talking again recently and while it wasn’t with the intention of leading into another relationship- it was nice to have that gap in my heart temporarily filled during this time of year.  But he couldn’t wait until January- when nothing of significance was happening, when I’d be able to take my time and process things and work my way through this heartache all over again.  Nope, that fucker made sure that he hit me when and where it would hurt the absolute most.  I suppose at least he didn’t do it right before actual Christmas, and he probably expects me to be grateful to him for that.  Of course.

Last night when I read his messages, my entire body felt like it was on fire and my eyes started to swell up, and that sensation spread across my whole face.  I was with my family so I fought to hold in the tears and sniffles.  I stopped the Christmas movie that I was watching because I don’t want this to be the feeling I associate with it the next time I watch it.  I put on Avengers Endgame because that’s my “make me feel better” movie.  Not sure why- but it usually works, at least a little.  I cried.  I stared at the message and kept opening it to read it over and over again.  I wondered why he wanted to do this to me now.  Weren’t we trying to be civil and remain friends?  Isn’t that what was happening for the last few weeks?  I broke down and let it all out to a friend who was texting me to find out if I wanted to use his account to watch the new Wonder Woman movie.  He was sweet and kind and tried to make me feel better, but it didn’t fix anything.  I texted my best friend, even though I didn’t want to because she’s dealt with a lot lately and I didn’t want to throw a wet towel on her and her family’s happy Christmas break.  But I didn’t know what else to do.  I broke down and cried to my mom.  I tend to avoid talking to her about things that have to do with my ex because she didn’t like him (didn’t like the way he treated me, he was condescending, and he could come off as just being downright rude a lot of the time) but I couldn’t keep it in, no matter how hard I tried.  She brought up a lot of valid points and tried to make me feel better, but despite my ability to understand what she was saying and agree with her on all of it, it still didn’t do much in the way of helping how I was feeling.

I’ve never been so livid in my life.  I’ve never felt so sad and angry and dejected and hurt and hopeless and betrayed all at once and I couldn’t process it; to be honest, I’m still having quite a bit of trouble with it.  I went to sleep around 3am, still watching Endgame.  It didn’t really help but it didn’t hurt.

I laid there for hours, not actively crying, but tears were streaming out of my eyes constantly.  I had to take my hoodie off because the sleeve was soaked through.  I woke up feeling like I’d fallen and hit every part of my body at once, just one huge ache.  I couldn’t eat breakfast.  I ran errands.  We got things done, but for me it felt like 3 hours of anxiety attacks coming and going.  I started to feel anxious and panicked being in stores and around people and it felt like some sort of strange sensory overload that I have never in my life experienced.  I indirectly took it out on my mom a tiny bit without realizing it, and I beat myself up internally for doing that.  I got home and asked my brother to make a post office run for me so I wouldn’t have to go out around people again today.  I haven’t eaten anything in over 24 hours.  I have no desire to.  I need to make myself drink some water because I don’t think I’ve had water all day either.

His message is still sitting there... showing as read but not replied to on Snapchat.  I don’t know what to say or how to reply.  I want to say all of the things I’ve posted on this blog over the last year... I want to yell at him and scream at him and make him understand what he’s done to me for the last year (plus 5) and make him feel some of what I’m feeling. But somehow I feel like that would just give him some strange feeling of satisfaction and he’d be content knowing that he obliterated me and he’s moving along without a second thought.  It’s not fair how this is all unfolding. It hasn’t been fair for the last 6 years and it’s continuing down the same path again and I can’t take it.  I just can’t.

And in reference to the first line of his message.  Garbage doesn’t try to hurt you and ruin as much as it can for you then skip away like, “lol, but fuck it, that’s just classic me, rightttt???  lol haha lollllll”

Speaking of “haha” and “lol”-- I am just this second realizing that his increased usage of emojis and little fillers like “haha” and “lol” were probably things he started doing to change and improve his communication for this new girl he’s talking to, and I just got some of it because that was the default mode he was already in for her.  I fucking hate him so much I don’t even have words... but maybe later tonight I will, and I’ll write another post.

#heartbreak #breakup #quarantine breakup #quarantinebreakup #exboyfriend #boyfriend #love #loss #grief #asshole boyfriend #anxiety #rant #quarantine #december 2020 #christmas

[aplaceforthesoul]

Anonymous submitted:

22/f

I’m sorry if this starts making less sense as I type more, I’m just trying to describe somethings that I’ve never exactly addressed before? So I’ve felt it and experienced it but never exactly tried to put it in words before.

So basically, I feel like I have a tendency to become emotionally dependent on people I date. I have pretty bad anxiety issues, that I’m working on slowly. Sometimes this leads to depressing days. Well in terms of emotional dependency, with my boyfriend, we haven’t discussed what to do once we graduate next year, because there is still a lot of time left and what can we discuss when we don’t know what is going to happen with ourselves once we graduate, we probably need to figure out our own future before we discuss one together. But we are very happy together. But I feel like it’s starting to feel like a ticking clock. It’s terrifying. And what makes sense is to talk about it when the time is right, and just be in the moment and be together right now. But the problem since, like an idiot, I thought about it so much, I keep thinking we don’t have enough time left together and we need to spend more time together. Because the thought of breaking up scares me so much! And I’m trying to spend more and more time together and trying to force it more, unlike earlier when it just happened naturally. And since I’m forcing it and doing it because of the fear of things ending, it was always at the back of my mind, those times that we spent together just weren’t nice and would get messy and just end up sad or fighting. Until one day he finally told me to calm down and stop thinking so much into it, we’ll figure it out when the time comes.

Second thing, with the quarantine, we’ve both gone home and are obviously in a long distance now. It’s going okay. We did long distance last summer and it wasn’t easy but we were really good together. But this time it’s different. Our uni exams are postponed and online classes are over so essentially our summer break has started. Except it’s still a quarantine. And I won’t say we are very good this time. I feel myself getting more and more need and annoying(my words, he does not let me talk bad about myself, which is a little too frequent), but I need to say how I feel. Obviously the pandemic majorly worked up my anxieties, but work through that. But now I’ll be honest, I’ve developed this strange obsessive behavior that I want to talk to him all the time! And at this point, we’re both just at home so there isn’t as much happening. So there isn’t much to say. And I think I hate that. And it’s not like we don’t speak at all, just not as much as last summer. And I hate that I’m comparing SO much! At this point I’m just fantasizing the past. We talk. And our conversations aren’t dull. They’re just not constant. And when we text, sometimes the conversation ends, which it never did last summer. And unlike me, he’s keeping himself busy because he’s not finding it easy to deal with the quarantine mentally either plus he has own things to deal with in terms of family, and he does talk about it but he finds keeping himself busy helps. Which I’m more than understand but it causes him to reply late. And he’s ALWAYS assured me that unless he’s busy or the phone is away, he will always reply as soon as he sees the message, and I know he does. Now he’s majoring in game design and I’m majoring in animation. So even thought, our year is over, we still need to keep working and practicing. And I know that I need keep my peace of mind and just keep myself busy too, and there’s plenty of things I need to do. Instead, I choose to sit and sulk and overthink that he has replied to my text for the past 1 hour! And then I get mad and we’ve spoken about this at least 3 times since quarantine started and each time he’s made an effort from his side. But why am I still so needy?! I understand everything. I understand his side, I understand the current situation. But despite understanding, it doesn’t change the way I feel! And I just choose to agonize over whatever I’m overthinking about. I just keep making a mountain of a mole hill. I just want to stop feeling this way. I don’t want to sit around waiting for a text like I used to in high school! I have things to do and I want to do them so badly but why am I like this? Please, PLEASE tell me how to stop overthinking nothing. I’m not being hard on myself, I’m just desperate not overthink every single situation. Why am I so obsessed with him now?I can’t tell you how anxious this is making me.  I just want to stop being so scared all the time.

After high school, I took a gap year and got into this horrible emotionally abusive relationship. He was gaslighting me the whole time, made me cut ties with friends, made me constantly feel shitty about myself. Always told me I was dumb and stupid, without fail. And also was always talking to other girls openly, was obviously cheating on me. But when I would confront him, he’d accuse me of not trusting him and that I was stupid. And the strange thing is I knew that I was the one who right, yet I chose to believe him and stay with him? He was very manipulative. Idk how to explain what I was like back then and why. But I’m out of that now and I’m in a good place now. I just feel he is a big influence in the way I am today. And I hate that.

In a few days it’ll be my first anniversary with this wonderful guy. I love him very much and I’m SO happy that I met him. But I don’t want to be emotionally dependent on him. I want to be fine on my own too. And I was for a long time. It’s not like I rushed into this relationship after my previous one, I didn’t even meet him till 2.5 years after. But I don’t want this emotional dependency. I feel like I’m so scared of losing him that I keep making up scenarios which makes me feel like I’ve already lost him. And in general, overthinking and being dependent makes me feel shitty. I don’t want to be dependent on anyone for anything! In high school, I used to dream about becoming the strong independent woman. I thought by now, I would have become one..but clearly not. Maybe for my previous relationship, I can say that my ex really prevented any chance of me becoming one. But in this one, he really pushes me to be better and encourages me to become one! Just because I’m in a relationship, doesn’t mean I have to lose my ability to be fine on my own. This quarantine is a good time for me to work on being by myself. I want to work on myself, mentally. But I don’t know how?

hey there <3 this makes a lot of sense, I think you’ve articulated yourself really well. I would agree with you, it sounds like your previous relationship is playing a big role in your current concerns around identity and anxiety. just something to note though, there is a difference between emotional dependence and emotional closeness. emotional closeness is good and healthy, it’s something you want in a relationship. being emotionally close with each other involves trust and authenticity and communication -- there’s nothing wrong with being emotionally close to someone. emotional dependence can definitely be a problem though (more detail here on what can define it), and I would agree that that’s what you’re experiencing at the moment.

it’s hard not to make comparisons sometimes, especially when what you’re comparing against (ie. last summer) was so happy and positive and good! but I think a contributing factor of that was the “honeymoon” phase of your relationship? and now that you’ve been together almost a yr, the honeymoon phase has ended, and that’s ok. it’s ok if sometimes the conversation just ends now, it’s alright if you sometimes have disagreements or whatever. it’s not that things aren’t as ‘good’ as last summer? just that you’re becoming more comfortable with each other, your love is more stable and habitual (for lack of a better word), 

I think this quarantine is testing you in a profound way, and I think you’re dealing with things pretty alright :* being forced to be in a long-distance relationship isn’t easy at all, being forced to face your anxieties and insecurities is confronting, the covid-19 pandemic is magnifying issues and isn’t helping at all but even though you’re struggling? you’re not completely falling apart, you’re looking for answers and a way through this. 

having read everything that you’re going through at the moment, it feels like a lot of the anxiety is rooted in fear of the future? and I guess a major aspect of anxiety is the unknown! next yr and after graduation is unknown for you, but it can help to start making plans. if you start to make plans then it can clarify things for you, and give you a goal to work towards too. there’s less uncertainty, there’s less to get anxious over because you know what’s ahead and how to prepare for it. the sooner you do it, the better it will be! but the longer you leave things, the less time you have to sort things out and the more your anxiety rises.

you’ve recognised that you’ve developed a bad habit fo obsessively wanting to talk to him all the time? so work on breaking that habit. I’m currently not working or studying at the moment, and I’m finding it so difficult to find the motivation to even get out of bed sometimes! however, I’ve started to write a daily list of things to get done? and it really helps to motivate me and to keep me accountable for getting shit done. so that could be something to try doing: write yourself a (reasonable) list of things to get done each day, tick them off as you get them done. doing that can help keep you busy and possibly avoid spending time over-thinking him not replying super quick.

when anxious thoughts start to take over, when you start to feel really on edge and panicky over him not replying? stop whatever you’re doing, breathe. do some focused breathing exercises (here and here) — deep breathing works to slow down your heart rate, decreases blood pressure, allows more oxygen into the brain so you can think more clearly, and also gives you something else to focus on as well.

sometimes knowing the logic of a situation doesn’t always change feelings ): all you can do is choose to make conscious decisions and actions to fight against the anxious feelings. write down a plan of action, a list of things to do to combat the anxiety. when you start to feel anxious and you feel yourself overthinking something? go back to your daily to-do list and find something on there to complete, or maybe go for a run (or some other kind of intensive exercise), call a friend, find a new recipe and bake something yummy in the kitchen, anything that takes your full concentration and attention.

some ideas on how to work on yourself / improve emotional independence:

keep busy, create daily to-do lists to keep yourself motivated and accountable, use affirmations to fight against anxious thought patterns (see here for examples). 

know that there’s a difference between emotional dependence and emotional closeness — it’s ok, healthy and good to have the latter. you can still be independent while being emotionally close with others, the two can coexist.

something else to try, spend 1 entire day without technology. turn off your phone, laptop, tv etc, spend the entire day focusing on you :) that way you have control over the temporary time apart from your boyfriend, and when you’re in control? you feel more empowered, and less anxiety. talk to your boyfriend before you do this haha, and explain why you’re doing it (ie. to work on building emotional resilience and overcoming anxiety), I’m sure he’ll understand and support you.

practise lots of self care, indulge a lot in things that genuinely make you feel happy and warm and positive :) maybe that’s having an extra long bath with epsom salts and essential oils, maybe it’s giving yourself a face mask and painting your nails, maybe it’s practising yoga or meditation, or solo sexy time, or baking, gardening, playing games? whatever works for you! the more time you spend doing solo activities that you find gives you pleasure, the more your brain starts to associate spending time alone with a positive feeling. 

this is such a long reply, apologies if it’s a little rambling at times! but I hope this helps you lovely, let me know how you get on <3

- tash

#advice #submission #22f #relationships #abuse #abuse tw #trauma #anxiety #emotional dependence

[bakudekuficlibrary]

BakuDeku: Oblivious Izuku

1 Series. 57 Works.

What The Fuck Did You Just Call Me? by reading_raindrop (T |  8,303 | 4/4 )

“A-ah B-Bakugou! You dropped some pencils!”

Katsuki stiffened. Kirishima and Kaminari froze. Basically, everyone within earshot stopped what they were doing to look at Izuku like he sprouted a second head. What did he just call him? “What the fuck did you just say to me?”

Katsuki whipped his head towards Izuku with his signature death glare as he stood up from where he picked up the fallen supplies.

“U-um I said you dropped some pencils! I think this eraser might be yours to-”

“No. What the fuck did you just call me?”

Izuku starts calling him Bakugou and it pisses the explosive teen off a lot more than he thought it would

It's Okay, Quirkless by VMarus ( M |  34,187+ | 15/? )

Izuku just wants to make his mother proud and to be happy with himself.

AU. Quirkless Vigilante Izuku!

[Major Character Death | Graphic Depictions Of Violence]

A Challenger Appears by MariaMediaOverThere ( T | 9,467 | 3/3 )

"Oh, so is Midoriya really seeking a relationship like that then?" And for the first time, there's a crack in Kota's impassive stance. Vulnerability. But also a glimmer of something excited- hopeful.

"I don't give a shit, but if Deku were, hypothetically, looking for a relationship," and Bakugou would be the first to know if he was, as well as the first to line up, and also suspiciously the only one alive in line. "He definitely wouldn't be trying anything with some shitty high schooler." Bakugou sneers, not even attempting to mask the distaste in his tone.

"So stick your obvious fanboy crush up someone else's ass, okay?"

The kid seems to consider this at first before looking Bakugou dead in the eyes, "Well in ten years when your pro hero injuries are forcing you into retirement, this shitty high schooler will have graduated med school and then it will be you versus a hot young doctor with a stable income."

With an air of finality, Kota shoulder-checks Bakugou while carefully holding the coveted Deku figurine in his possession.

"...Bitch."

Heart Out by minzie ( E | 65,588+ | 12/? )

Bakugou Katsuki was not the type of person you’d call in an emergency. Sure, he’d help you out if he was standing right next to you and you were about to get stabbed because of his damn hero complex, and because he’s maybe, kind of, somewhere a decent person, but that’s about it.

It was just his luck that someone needed saving tonight, in more than one way.

Lights. Camera. Hero! by brichibi ( E | 23,248+ | 6/? )

If there’s one thing Izuku Midoriya’s good at, it’s dreaming big, and dreaming hard. That’s why he’s in Hollywood, of all places, his hometown an entire ocean away along with his graduating high school class and single mother. But he’s gonna be an actor, an international sensation, a superstar like no other.

He just.

Has to convince the rest of the world.

Which is, admittedly, a difficult task.

[AU where "My Hero Academia" is an upcoming television series, everyone's an actor/actress, and romance happens behind the scenes]

Not All Heroes Wear Capes by vulcanhighblood ( T | 11,002 | 3/3 )

When Kacchan offered to scare off pushy groupies and nosy reporters for Izuku, he hadn't realized that Kacchan was planning to lie about the two of them being in a relationship in order to do so.

Room 207 by bakudeku ( Not Rated | 8,796+ | 4/? )

No one, not even Bakugou Katsuki, could deny that Izuku was adorable as fuck.

ᶜᵃⁿ ᶦ ᵍᵉᵗ ᵘʰʰʰʰʰʰ

ˢᵒᶠᵗ ᵏᵃᶜᶜʰᵃⁿ

[Suicide Attempt]

Oh, These Aching Bones by IAmStoryteller ( T | 17,470 | 10/10 )

The cold weather rolls in and Izuku suffers unexpectedly, which leads to a series of events to make Class 1-A and a certain loudmouth childhood friend turned rival realize that despite Izuku's greatness as a hero, they have to look after him.

The Childhood Friends-To-Sweethearts Contest by Merrywetherweather ( G | 3,064 | 1/1 )

Present Mic just wanted to throw together a little event for couples and soon-to-be couples and these two 3rd year idiots come in and utterly destroy the competition while remaining 100% oblivious to everything that's going on around them.

This is more of a comedy piece than anything. I wanted to play around with the idea that Katsuki and Izuku probably still know a lot about each other and are ultimately still on the same wavelength. Like, you expect them not to know as much about one another, since they appear to not get along, but they know each other like the back of their hands.

[On Hiatus] Stay away from him, he's mine! by AShippingAddict  ( E | 12,143+ | 4/10 )

Bakugou Katsuki knew Valentine's Day was just a day where everyone went crazy trying to make love happen. He didn't care for it. He especially didn't care that everyone seemed to want Deku. He didn't care. It didn't matter that people were starting to invade Deku's space. Or that people kept touching him. He did NOT care, not one bit.

Or people flirt with Midoriya Izuku and Bakugou nearly kills someone because he's jealous.

Bakugou's Childhood Sweetheart Survival Guide by Butterfree ( G | 28,333 | 4/4 )

Childhood Sweethearts is a Japanese game show series inspired by the popular book The Childhood Friends-To-Sweethearts Contest by Merrywetherweather originating as far back as 2018. Childhood friends who are now lovers from all over the world compete in what is known as the ultimate challenge to prove your love to that girl next door, or to gain confidence to propose to the boy you've been protecting since you were both toddlers. Gaining a huge following and recently signing a contract to have their show aired internationally, the organizers opted to set up camp for the fifth season off the beach that Class 3-A happened to be spending a vacation on.

“Kacchan.”

“No.”

Deku gave him a look. “But I didn’t say anything yet.”

“You were thinking it. That’s enough incentive.”

Otherwise known as that other fanfic where Izuku and Katsuki sign up for a childhood sweethearts competition while remaining 99% oblivious to their growing feelings for each other.

[Homophobia]

Dirty Little Thoughts by MariaMediaOverThere ( E |  5,680+ | 2/3 )

“Think you can take me on one-on-one, shitty nerd? Better prepare yourself, because I’ll fucking knock you up!”

“You’ll what?”

“OUT! I MEANT OUT! I'll knock you OUT!"

Or Bakugou grapples with being a Deku-vert. That's right; a Deku-pervert. That's just what he is now.

Defenestration by amarielah ( E | 1,834 | 1/1 )

A drunken Bakugou pays Izuku a visit via window. Things get messy.

Series Part 3 of Bakugou Katsuki: Human Disaster

[Dubcon]

there are a million things to run from, but i'm not one of them  ( T | 3,961 | 1/1 )

Soulmate! AU Bakugou Katsuki is a firm ideologist in the belief that winners conquer everything and losers gain nothing. He's lived his life with an explosive demeanor and icy heart, and even as a model, he refuses to lighten up for the sake of public image. There is little that can change him, and nothing that can shake him- until he meets an insecure photographer whose fingers shake behind flash, but whose eyes shine stronger than anyone he's ever met before. Oh, and who makes a soulmark spring up on Bakugou's wrist the second their eyes meet. [In which Bakugou has no idea what secrets Midoriya Izuku is hiding, but he's determined to find out and in doing so discovers that sparks don't just come from cameras.] 

[Past Abuse]

Drunk Confession by bombingking ( M | 4,613 | 1/1 )

In which Izuku is invited to his first college party and is oblivious to the fact that the person who invited him also happens to have a secret crush on him. 

[Series]  Arranged by amiluna ( Not Rated | 2 Works | Complete )

Izuku knows as a quirkless he will be married off soon...he had hoped it would be to someone he wanted, but then life always messes with him like that. Add in the childhood friend he forgot and you have one hell of a mess for the boy who just wants to decide for himself for once. 

After Arranged, Izuku moves in with Katsuki. From here on out, he encounters hardships revolving his former friend and the joys of making a new friend. The only question now being will it all blow up in his face and threaten everything he has? 

Forgetful by Pop_Rocks (v_love) ( E | 3,436 | 1/1 )

Normally Bakugou managed to contain his temper -- even if it was just a little -- when it came to Midoriya. Even still, his outbursts just seemed to make Midoriya laugh now, mostly because it was never over anything big and Midoriya was no longer afraid of Bakugou doing anything but make little threats that he very rarely went through.

Normally.

Today was different though.

----

In which Midoriya forgets his and Bakugou's anniversary.

Series Part 1 of Kacchan and Deku's Shenanigans

[On Hiatus] “can’t sleep love” by avalescence_hurlocked ( G | 20,782+ | 7/? )

tell me, am I going crazy? tell me, have I lost my mind?

alternatively; Bakugou's got a crush, and he's got it really bad, but he doesn't want it at all. at least, that's what he tells himself.

Only for a bet (I fucking swear!) by Dana91  ( M | 3,096 | 1/1 )

Inspired by Tinogeb's fanart

Bakugo Katsuki teased. Bakugo failed. How did he end up fucking the damn nerd?!

That’s Not It! by Pop_Rocks (v_love) ( T | 5,800 | 1/1 )

Midoriya felt distracted lately, he couldn’t exactly pinpoint its cause (although he had an idea) which was even worse. However, he found himself spending less time focusing in class and during quirk training. He found himself drifting in and out of the conversations around him, and he found that he was a little flustered.

————

In which Midoriya realizes he has feelings for Bakugou after Bakugou’s gotten a little soft.

Series Part 7 of Kacchan and Deku’s Hooplas

Bakugou Deals With Jealousy in a Creative Manner by Renex ( E | 1,672 | 1/1 )

“That fucking half and half bastard I swear to god next time he pulls some shit like that again I’ll blow his head right off his shoulders.” Bakugou practically snarled, slamming the door to his dorm room shut before tossing his bag to the ground and collapsing down onto the bed.

“Kacchan, relax. He was just helping me that’s all.”

“Helping you?” The short-tempered blonde practically snorted, sitting up on his elbows so that he could get a better look at the freckled boy standing in front of him. “The man was practically tongue fucking you.”

Distance by IAmStoryteller ( T | 32,273 | 11/11 )

Distance makes the heart grow fonder. (Izuku and Bakugou deal with living life thousands of miles away from each other in their own way)

The Way You Used To Do by edema_ruh ( T | 23,710+ | 3/? )

"We're really sorry", his father says, in that teary-eyed, wobbly way Katsuki most certainly didn't inherit from him, thank fuck. "But your friend, Izuku, he's...", he hesitates for a moment, as if trying to find the right words for that situation. "He's gone, son", he concludes, giving Katsuki's hand a squeeze. Behind him, his mother stands, face almost as impassive as ever.

Katsuki can do nothing but blink up at them for moments that feel like an eternity, eyes darting between both his parents in obvious confusion, disbelief, and, more than anything, indignation.

"What the fuck are you two talking about?", he asks, not as aggressively as he would have liked to. "The damn nerd is standing right beside you!"

During a battle, Midoriya gets hit by a villain whose quirk detaches his soul from his body. Being assumed dead from his lack of brain function, the boy enters a race against time in order to save himself from permanently dying. Much to his luck - or lack of it -, the only person who can see and talk to him in his soul-like state is no one other than Kacchan.

Tempura Spitfire by Chyme ( T | 17,977+ | 4/6 )

‘Fuck. Flowers it is. Massive, sunshine, everything-is-fucking-great yellow ones, that will make him sneeze his head off.’

Months ago, Bakugou Katsuki had had a conversation with his father that had inspired him to act on his feelings for Izuku. This is the story of how said attempt turned out.

And don't give me that look, dear reader. Things are gonna turn out fine.

Series Part 3 of Dinner and A Show (Of Explosions, Presumably)

Bad at Love by officiallytrash ( T | 102,022+ | 11/? )

Class 1-A is put to the test in one of U.A.'s classes and tests where they face a faux-villain they can't seem to win against. During the two-day fighting, Bakugou noticeably becomes more and more shaken by the faux-villain.

Midoriya wants to help him and to become his good friend once again. Bakugou knows there is more than friendship in his own head but wants to keep Midoriya close, if only to keep him safe. But with jealousy, friendships, and their dreams on the line, they have to get even closer to help the other.

[On Hiatus] Efflorescence by SleepieAsh ( T | 10,349+ | 4/? )

As beautiful as they were, he grew tired of the sight (and taste) of green chrysanthemums after the first petal fell from his mouth.

(Somewhere between the bug-catching and hand-holding, Bakugou fell for his childhood friend. In turn, he traded the relief of surgery for feelings of fondness and the misery that came with it.)

spring snow by altruisticizuku ( G | 1,008 | 1/1 )

izuku is a bit of a lightweight and katsuki might be kinda jealous.

~~

bakudeku week 2018; day 2: romantic nights / dancing / your eyes

Series Part 2 of Bakudeku Week 2018

Broken Horns & Fragile Wings by zuccin ( G | 1,682 | 1/1 )

When Izuku was a child, he met an angel. An adorable angel that lived next door, Bakugou Katsuki. Years passed and Midoriya (or Deku) is sure his angel got even cuter by the time; he's glad they are together.

// In an universe where Angels and Demons live peacefully together, a green haired demon falls in love with an angel.

Series Part 1 of Angels & Demons

[Abandoned] Your Only One by iKrazybear (Hyuuwi) ( Not Rated | 14,258 | 8/? )

Bakugou gets pretty jealous of how much admiration Midoriya has for Todoroki.

He wants the cinnamon roll for himself.. so much that he can't control his emotions for him.

early bird gets the worm by yjslaugh  ( M | 1,091 | 1/1 )

This is bullshit, he thinks. Katsuki was there when Deku shit his pants in elementary school. Since then he's made it his personal life mission to get everybody to stay the hell away from him. Partly because he hates his guts and partly because he's hopelessly in love with the damn prick. Ninety-nine and one percent respectfully.

Katsuki knows it's probably not exactly healthy to be so possessive over somebody whos not his, especially somebody he's meant to hate, but when has he ever been healthy? He's filled to the brim with trauma, anger issues and more emotional baggage than a white family going to Hawaii.

Endeavors of the Mind by KittKatt420 ( M | 44,464+ | 5/8 )

Bakugo and Midoriya both struggle with different aspects of their newfound relationship. Katsuki wants to be more open with his affections for Deku, but is hindered by his intimacy issues. Izuku covets Kacchan's affection, but is too afraid of being overbearing. BakuDeku-centric with mentions of KiriShido and TodoMomo. Yaoi. M/M Lemon flavored chapters.

[Panic Attacks]

Cookies by Dana91 ( M | 2,641 | 1/1 )

If Bakugo Katsuki receives a gift, he makes sure to say Thank you (mostly if it's a gift from Deku).

Inspired by: Cruxnix's art (thanks! (シ_ _)シ)

[Underage]

Don't Burn the Mackerels by Starpotion  ( T | 1,376 | 1/1 )

Kacchan was willingly going to make breakfast.

The world was going to end early indeed.

Five times Bakugou Katsuki tried to get into Deku's pants, and the one time he succeeded by Moratorium19 ( T | 2,733+ | 3/6 )

« Is the smile included in the service? »

The waiter with the nameplate “Bakugou Katsuki” directed him the sourest glare he could muster.

“No,” he gritted out.

“Oh, good. You wouldn’t want to cheat your customers. I’ll take a light coke, a Big Mac without salad and onion rings instead of fries.” Izuku smiled, handing the menu back to the fuming ashen blonde.

“Sir” he bit out with barely restrained fury. “May I remind you that this is not Mc Donalds, but a Michelin star restaurant? Did you even have a look at the menu?”

“…No?”

“You fuckwad,” Bakugou hissed and cussed twice more internally. There went his paycheck.

(What you need to) Overcome by neerapen ( T | 2,751 | 1/1 )

Waking up in an hospital bed is normal routine for Izuku. Waking up with Kacchan's quirk still humming in his veins, however, makes him think. And everybody knows he shouldn't do that.

Or: Izuku doesn't know. Katsuki doesn't say it.

Series Part 2 of Nantonaku

[PTSD]

Not-Dates and Makeup by zuccin ( G | 2,137 | 1/1 )

Midoriya and Bakugou were hanging a lot lately. Not as a couple, obviously (at least Midoriya thought so). But the catch is: why is Katsuki so pretty with makeup?

Series Part 2 of Bakugou & Makeup

Falling by Dokuine ( G | 2,016 | 1/1 )

Midoriya Izuku did not have much experience or luck when it came to love, but he never expected it to literally knock him onto his rear one day. Not that he recognized it for what it was, not in that first meeting.

tribulation by insanityxspeaks ( T | 5,852+ | 2/? )

At least fifteen minutes of pep talk and reckless alcohol consumption later, Izuku and Ochaco stood pink-eared in front of Katsuki’s door. The duo didn’t dare look at each other. They didn’t dare breathe. They didn’t dare move, aside from Ochaco’s nerve-induced reaction of floating several inches from the ground. The only sounds that broke through the silence were the creaking of their open jaws and the creaking of the bed inside the room. Explicit utterances. Breathy moans.

A minute later, Ochaco: “. . . Those are one hundred percent the sounds of two men fucking.”

[A five-year reunion and drunken shenanigans brings Izuku to a door he swore he'd closed. A love story.]

Warm by Fitzfire ( G | 3,564 | 1/1 )

After graduation, Bakugou and Midoryia move in together. Still oblivious to the nature of their bond, and the feelings they harbor for each other, they fall into a routine.

Could a broken air conditioner throw a wrench in that?

Series Part 1 of Have Your Cake And Eat It

The Walk Home by artemancy ( G | 1,105 | 1/1 )

It's dangerous to walk around with your head in the clouds.

Workplace Relationship by bkdkwritingsdump ( T | 5,916 | 3/3 )

Izuku, the son of an extremely wealthy family, works at a high-end department store shortly after graduating college to get some real world experience and figure out what he wants to do with his life. His total jerk of a boss, Katsuki, also happens to be his old childhood friend who he hasn’t seen since middle school. And, on top of it all, his parents are breathing down his neck to find someone he can marry before he’s thirty. Katsuki overhears this… and asks him out.

Private Practice by thiefqueen ( M | 2,670 | 1/1 )

Midoriya accidentally sort of sets up a private fight with Bakugou during class after realizing he has a "problem" with the other teen. Their teachers are happy to set the fight up (and they not-so-secretly ship it).

Put It On Me by mangosmoothiecoran ( T | 31,018+ | 9/? )

Izuku has always had a passion for dancing. Looking up to the Pro-Dancers of the country, he always wished to be great. However, after moving away from his hometown and all he has known, he lost something inside of him. Fast forward eight years and Izuku finds himself in his second year at the prestigious dance academy of U.A.. Under the wing of Pro-Dancer All Might, his second year brings him face-to-face with a dance competition that will challenge his skills as a dancer and the normality he is used to. Unable to feel confident in what he is doing though, Izuku is reunited with a childhood friend who sparks a fire in him that died when he left his hometown.

(This summary will most likely change)

It's Not A Date! by otaku916 ( M | 3,672+ | 1/? )

“If he doesn’t attack you the moment you walk through the door his dick is broken.” Ochako interrupted, making Izuku and Iida both choke on their spit.

Or

What happens when you have the emotionally constipated, gruff, socially inept guy ask out the oblivious nervous wreck? An awkward disaster of a date that's what. Go through the pain of first dates, hormones, and running away from your feelings that comes with going through puberty - all while training to be a hero!

Island by ScreamingYearly ( T | 4,825 | 1/1 )

There wasn’t any room in Katsuki’s heart for crushes or love. He didn’t want to indulge any of those things until he had the proper time, but becoming the top hero wouldn’t allow him that time, and that was something he was fine with.

So, of course, during the beginning of third year, Katsuki promptly fell head over fucking heels for Midoriya Izuku.

[Underage]

Fae Boy and Explosion Girl by Swifty_Heart ( T | 11,196+ | 2/? )

I wanted to write a story about Izuku being a cute little fairy, this is fluff and Katsuki is an adorable girl. Izuku doesn't need One For All he's a badass fairy. Mythical creatures live among humans but humans don't know this

Fate Awaits by empressrice ( T | 4,329+ | 2/? )

Soulmates are supposed to be perfect for each other. They are supposed to meet and fall in love and be together for the rest of their life.

When Izuku and Katsuki find out that they are soulmates it feels like that for the moment, but reality comes crashing down on both of them, a rift forming between the two, one that neither of them can ever see being fixed.

But when the universe declares something, it will come to fruition, whether they want it to or not.

Home Is Where Your Deepest Scar Is by Glamgas ( E |  7,121+ | 1/2 )

When Bakugou had heard that true bravery was loving the person you hated the most he could have laughed in the person's face. Doubled over in pure disbelief. How were you supposed to love someone you hated? How could you care for the person who had caused you so much pain?

---

Snapshots of Bakugou's journey in finding home in the person he hates the most.

Gift in Winter by DragonKRZ  ( T | 5,854 + | 2/? )

No fucking way, it wasn’t possible. It was Deku they were talking about. The only thing Bakugou knows is that he's fucked. Kirishima should stop grinning at him and giving him thumbs up before he gets his face pummeled. Midoriya is an oblivious fluff ball while Todoroki joins the Deku squad. Tentatively set in the summer after their first year.

But I'm Batman (Deku) by theskywalkerkid ( M | 1,781+ | 1/? )

When Izuku was eight years old his parents died in a car accident and it left a hole in his heart. They left him with happy memories, company to run by himself, and his best friend/ butler Shinsou. To fill the hole in his heart Izuku started to do vigilante work under the name Deku, although quirkless he still manages to get his job done. However, when a threat against his life is made known his childhood friend and business partner Shouto, gets pro heroes to protect him. Enter Bakugou Katsuki the number one pro hero who is working with the police to hunt down the vigilantes for doing illegal hero work and also protecting Izuku not realizing that he is one of the vigilantes that he's hunting down.

Basically, a story where Izuku is Batman, but goes by Deku and works with other vigilantes to save people who he feels that the pro heroes neglect.

The Dragon Mark by multi_bnha ( M | 2,737+ | 2/? )

“Momma?” “Yes dear?” Inko asked. “Why do I have this mark?” Confused, Inko looked at her son. What is this little boy talking about? She checked all over his body and didn’t see any kind of mark on him. “What mark are you talking about sweetie? I don’t see anything on you.” “This one right here,” he says while lightly tracing above his elbow. Looking over his body again, she didn’t see anything different on him. “Are you sure there’s a mark on you Izuku?” Inko questioned one more time. “Yes momma, don’t you believe me?” Izuku said as tears started to form around his eyes. ‘Oh no, I didn’t mean to make him upset,’ Inko thought to herself. Pulling him in a hug she said,"Of course I believe you, don’t ever think that.” Sniffling he looked up at her, “Then how come you can’t see it? Is something wrong with me?” Feeling more guilty over what she said before she tried to reassure him that he’s normal and nothing seems to be wrong with him, even if she can’t visibly see it. As she’s comforting him, his tears slowly started to fall, but he made no sound and stayed in his mother’s embrace until he fell asleep.

Say you love me by Marsbears ( M | 32,919+ | 5/? ) I’m not really good at summaries but this should kinda spark your interest.

Izuku is going through his very first break up and suffering the whiplash affects of it. He very shockingly discovers he’s got a new neighbor and his name is Katsuki. They’re not the best of neighbors but by the end of the story they will be.

But basically Izuku and Katsiki end up falling in love but don’t necessarily know that they both feel the same way about one another because they’re both very slow in the feelings department when it comes to other people. But with the help of Bakugous best and only friend, Eijiro, and a lot of prolonged effort shit happens.

[Panic Attacks]

You're Always on My Mind by ariela_jack ( T | 3,034+ | 2/? )

Midoriya Izuku has a dangerous empathy/fuubutsushi quirk that could be taken advantage of, so he grows up not knowing and believing that he is quirk less.

A fic where Izuku figures out about his quirk and Katsuki helps him through it. Also, this is all going on while Izuku is battling through his mental health issues.

and/or

Izuku finds out about his quirk at a stupid class game on a field trip, with all the sexual tension there he realizes he can feel what everyone is feeling and goes red.

(I'm really bad at writing summaries, and just writing in general but I hope you like it.)

[Panic Attacks | Self Harm]

Bakugou's Aversion by Foolish_Observer ( E | 1,436+ | 1/2 )

Bakugou grew onto his classmates surrounding themselves around Midoriya since they started dating, but there was was one person who always seemed to piss him off since day one.

Chances by RyvernTerrus ( T | 2,002 | 1/1 )

Katsuki is apologetic. Izuku is shook. Both are oblivious fools.

How do we call this? by ravioligirl ( Not Rated | 2,973+ | 2/? )

Misunderstanding /ˌmɪsʌndəˈstandɪŋ/ [ (n.) a failure to understand something correctly.]

In which Katsuki and Izuku find where they fucked up and fix it

Snow and Forgotten Memories by Akira575 ( Not Rated | 938+ | 2/? )

During a trip with their classmates, Bakugo and Izuku get caught up in an avalanche! Izuku gets injured and loses his memories. Bakugo has to keep them alive during a blizzard and deal with Deku being basically useless. Will Izuku forget Kaachan forever? What will happen?

Make A Move (Katsudeku) by Death_by_Crayola ( T | 444+ | 1/? )

Katsuki Bakugou is what they would call a teenage delinquent, but he considers himself a hero. He's fighting against an oppressive government who's bargaining to create a "utopia" but who are leaving the world stifled and grey. He runs a rebellion, one of no name, and is a highly wanted person in the world he lives in.

Izuku Midoriya is a quiet mannered, rule-abiding kid, but when he sees the infamous Bakugou in person, running from the police, when he's out buying groceries for his mother, he becomes fascinated with him and his cause, and ends up putting himself at risk to know what it means to want more than what's given to you.

(Originally called Uprising Imminent, I changed it and I like this title better)

#BakuDeku #KatsuDeku #BNHA #bkdkfl masterlist #Masterlist #long post #w:underage #w:violence #w:mcd #t:s #t:homophobia #t:panic #t:sh #t:pa #t:dubcon #t:ptsd #curator jay

[poetryasf-ck]

Good Grief #4 - Lloyd Robinson

Lloyd Robinson has almost twenty years of performance experience as an actor, poet, and musician. He is one of the few performers holding the title ‘Bad Boy Of Spoken Word’, is a multiple slam winner, the reigning Axis slam champion, and qualified for the Scottish National Slam Championship the last three years running.

Lloyd is the host and co-organiser of Edinburgh’s most exciting new-material poetry night, ‘The God Damn Debut Slam’ in the Scottish Poetry Library. He has been featured at many of Scotland’s more popular spoken word events, in particular Hidden Door Festival and StAnza literary festival. He has also independently released an album of spoken word and music, ‘Reclaimed Memories’, has a degree in Creative Writing & Drama, and a diploma in psychotherapy.

Image credit: Perry Jonsson

1. Why, if there was a reason, did you write this poem/these poems?

Catharsis. Therapy. As a tribute to my brother in law who took his own life, and to raise awareness of the very real issue of Male suicide. I have a compulsion to try and ‘fix’ bad situations, but obviously this was unfixable, so writing about it was the closest I could get.

2. Why, upon writing this poem/these poems, did you perform them?

To raise awareness. And to be totally honest, to shock the audience. I want them to be uncomfortable. I want them to remember this material out of everything else they see, and have a newfound respect for the gravity of the subject. Not only that, but suicide is still socially permissible to joke about, and I want people to think twice next time they laugh at it.

3. How does performing this piece change how you look at what happened to you?

It makes me feel more in control after something very chaotic. I like to think that he would like the piece and be proud of me.

4. How do you separate artistic performance from lived personal experience?

Focus entirely on replicating my more successful rehearsals, improving performance and heightening audience reaction. I am making art for public consumption, so I choose that as my focus. Also, quite subconsciously I (for the most part) avoid the ‘I’ pronoun, instead using ‘we’, which gives me a little more distance.

5. Do you find yourself affected negatively by performing this piece? If so, how do you look after yourself?

When I started performing it, I would be somewhat exhausted afterwards. These days though, not so much. It can depend on the audience. If they’re clearly very emotionally affected that has fed into my performance before. I’ve never lost control and become tearful, but I have felt intense.

6. Do you practice any aftercare after performing this piece (either for yourself or audiences)? (E.g., talking to audience members who are upset, taking some time out after your performance to ground yourself, ensuring you perform in places where you feel safe etc.)

I try and be around post-show; I reliably get at least one audience member come up to me afterwards who has been affected by suicide. They always thank me because being bereaved in this manner can completely alienate people and make them feel alone. For that reason I consider it important to perform this piece and make the time for them, so they realise they are not.

7. Do you do any content warnings for this piece? Why?

Depends on the night. If it’s a night with a more therapeutic lean, or it is specifically designed to be a safe space, or friendly to vulnerable people then yes. Really, in that context I probably wouldn’t perform it anyway unless it was actually requested or on theme. If not, then no. When people go out to see live entertainment, the performer should work in service of entertainment. Theatre isn’t supposed to be 100% safe, and performance poetry IS theatre. If an audience has come to a poetry show on purpose, the implicit relationship is that there will be emotional themes addressed, you don’t have to know anything about the scene to realise that. People watch theatre to be elevated and catharsis through experiencing challenging performances is a big part of that. Content warnings, unless handled very carefully, can break the rhythm and illusion of the show, as well as creating preconceptions about a piece.

EG; I have been in the audience when someone has started a poem with ‘trigger warning, suicide’ which IMMEDIATELY put me on edge. However, the poem itself was really comforting and I’m glad I ignored my instinct to leave.

THAT BEING SAID context is important, I’m not about to blanket damn trigger warnings. A LARGE part of serving the entertainment of the night is the ability to read the room, spot when something isn’t appropriate and make a call. If I’m doing the poem as part of a longer set, I will usually do a brief intro to it, not specifically making a content warning (although one is implied), but to steer the audience into a different energy. In reality you can never 100% tell which way a performance will go. Someone could be fine hearing a poem about suicide, but get upset with a poem about food because they have a history of eating disorders. There does come a point where you have to acknowledge all audience reaction as valid even if the audience straight up walks out. Sometimes trigger warnings are very necessary. Sometimes putting a trigger warning in front of a piece is actually more about giving yourself an illusion of control that you don’t, in reality, have.

8. Does the artist owe any kind of protection or safeguarding to their audience?

Yes and no. The artist owes organisers and programmers an accurate representation of their performance practice and general content so they can be booked for appropriate nights. They owe it to the audience to create art to the best of their ability. If their art is massively triggering, though, they have to be prepared to not be booked very often, or only for specific nights, or to have to put on their own shows. It is the organiser’s job to keep the audience safe, especially at curated nights, where they should know their regular audience well enough to bring in acts that will succeed. When there is an open mic element, the responsibility is a little more shared. Again, you have to read the room but you also have to acknowledge that you are a part of a community. If you are unfamiliar with the nights setup/it’s your first time, you should either scout it out first or bring a backup piece in case your chosen material isn’t going to work. There is no ‘don’t be an asshole’ rule, but there is an understanding that you should ‘try not to be an asshole’. Still, ultimately it is the organisers responsibility. They have to serve the needs of their night, and if someone steps to the mic and directly works against those needs, they have to be able to stop it.

BUT AGAIN this is not a hard and fast rule. Art practices don’t exist in a vacuum and absolutes are rarely sufficient to support the balance between safety and progress. Nuance exists.

For a scene in rude health, there needs to be a wide variety of event types. The safer spaces need to exist, because vulnerable people deserve entertainment and self-expression, but they ideally would exist in parallel with middle-of-the-road-pop-Poetry for the newcomers, and a more extreme end of the spectrum where limits can be tested, because such testings are VITAL to the evolution of the artform. ‘Saved’ by Edward Bond featured the stoning of a baby onstage and it resulted in a court case that DESTROYED the Thatcherite censorship of British theatre. ‘Shopping & Fucking’ featured drug abuse and violent rape, but broke new ground, opened doors for today’s pioneers of queer theatre and predicted the neo liberal society of today. ‘Ubu’ by Alfred Jarry was considered so nonsensical and artless that it caused TWO FUCKING RIOTS on opening night, but it spawned numerous artistic movements, without which we wouldn’t have Monty Python or Mighty Boosh. Nights need to exist where decency is malleable, simply for the evolution of the artform. Great art is not impossible when subjects are considered ‘off limits’ or ‘inappropriate’ BUT there are great things that can be achieved by breaking perceived barriers.

HOWEVER. NUANCE AGAIN.

We can’t have a blanket ‘anything goes’ approach, even at the most basic level. You have to restrict hate speech for a start, because one confident speaker given a platform can convert others to a cause. You have to no-platform predators and abusers because they will pretend to be innocent and use a platform to find more victims. This, as far as I can tell, is the most pressing responsibility an artist and an organiser has. It’s not a service to the artform, it’s a service to society, so in this case, yes, the artist, and to be honest EVERYONE is responsible for bombarding hatespeech, bigotry and abuse with poison until it dies like the fucking cancer that it is.

Thank you for coming to my TED talk.

9. Do you believe writing about areas such as grief, loss or trauma is a form of healthy catharsis or memorialisation?

Yes. NEXT QUESTION.

Alright, alright;

Writing stuff down can allow you to recognise and acknowledge your feelings much more clearly. Also, there are three poems that, whenever I perform them, will make me feel like the lost are still here with me.

In fact, every year on the anniversary of my brother in laws passing, I meet with my family, we chat, we support each other, and I perform two poems; the one I’m writing this survey about entitled ‘jump’, and another, more personal one that I rarely perform in public. Before I started organising this, we were stuck with ‘just getting through the day’ when it came around. It’s still the worst day of the year for us, but we have something to focus on that brings us together.

However, once again, we should be wary of absolutes. People can process grief in many different and utterly unexpected ways. This works for me and a few folk I know, but it could be catastrophic for others. Grief is one of those things where you have to acknowledge every possible emotion, no matter how illogical, as valid. If the bereaved responds by instinctively picking up a pen, whether to memorialise or seek catharsis, then writing is a valid response to grief. Therapy and/or seeking advice from medical professionals are also valid responses. It’s a simple case of ‘you do whatever makes you feel better’. If that includes enrolling in clown college and riding a unicycle everywhere; valid response.

10. What kind of warnings signs would you point out to someone new to poetry or performance who was performing about their traumas?

First of all, unless they specifically asked me, I don’t think I would. In this hypothetical I’m going to assume they are an adult presenting as neurotypical. They have a right to explore their own trauma/reclaim their narrative in whatever fashion suits them and I wouldn’t want to patronise them by giving the impression that I thought they needed help (see my question 9 chat about valid responses; we mustn’t tell people how to or how not to grieve). Humans are much hardier than they often give themselves credit for. The only context in which I would intercede would be someone clearly exhibiting signs of severe anxiety/depression, & I had even the slightest suspicion they might be a danger to themselves. However, these conditions make it very difficult for new voices to leave the house, let alone sign up for an open mic, so while I acknowledge there’s a risk, it isn’t a particularly likely scenario. I feel like that’s not the sort of answer you’re after, though.

I do think there is a bit of a danger (the extent of which I’m unsure of) that a new poet could see performances on YouTube and in slams that lead them to think they have to mine their own trauma to get material. The warning signs of this would be asking yourself ‘what can I write about’ and the answer being ‘ooh, that horrible thing that happened’.

When rehearsing the poem, it is perfectly normal to cry (or similar emotional release) even a few times. If you well up during a public performance, also fine AS LONG AS THE PERFORMER FEELS IT HELPS.

If, however, you have an uncontrollable emotional response EVERY TIME you perform it, I’d start to question whether you should.

If the idea of performing it causes anxiety above the usual pre-show nerves, and that anxiety reduces when you decide ‘oh I’ll perform something else instead’ then that’s a CLEAR indication.

It is hard to point to specific warning signs other than the above and feeling peer pressure to perform grief-motivated poetry, because everyone’s responses can be incredibly varied. All I’d really say is some advice I was given when I started writing;

“There are two types of writing; what you send out into the world and you do for yourself. The first type needs to flexible so you can improve it based on the responses you get. You have to learn that constructive criticism is valuable and not a personal attack. The second is imperfect and often messy, but it helps you learn about the craft and your own mind. Always remember the two are flexible. You can start writing something personal and realise it’s for everyone. You can send something out into the world and then entirely take it back upon realising that this was just for you.” 

lloydcarltonrobinson.bandcamp.com/releases

https://www.patreon.com/poetryasfuck

#lloyd robinson #suicide #poetry #poet #poem #spoken word #grief #loss #trauma

[kangwei18053060]

Reflective

 Reflective posts

Blog 1

It usually takes a dog, or a cat or some form of human stupidity to go viral on the internet. However, one of the viral videos doing the round of the internet was an old woman, frail looking, sat in a chair with downcast eyes. Her hands fluttered to the swelling music of Swan Lake. The text on the video told the viewers that the lady was a former ballerina with dementia. For someone, who has been hearing about the “power of music” this video reinforced that notion. It made me realise potential of music to connect with people and also head down the scientific or rather neurological route to find out the many ways that music plays a vital role in one’s memory. Auditory memory while being the among the first things we develop, is also the last one to deteriorate and as primal animals, we humans are so responsive to it.

Further research on this led me to new avenues and I was rather saddened to know that the ballerina in the viral video, Marta Cinta González Saldaña, passed away last year, the year that the now-viral video was shot. She resided in Cuba, went on perform in New York, taught ballet in Madrid, and in a nursing home located in Alcoy, she dreamt of performing ballet with elderly residents. The viral video has made her a viral figure and has also made headline in half of countries around the world. Tributes from other artists also poured in for her. I guess what lives on is the power of music and its effect on people.

Blog 2

When I sit down to watch a film, I tend to focus on the background score first and then on the narrative. But does this mean if I have walked out of a film with good plot but bad music? No, but during the entirety of the film my attention was constantly drawn towards the loud or misplaced music. This is why I hold Whiplash very close to my heart. If I am allotted only three adjectives to describe the film then I would primarily call it intense, followed by awe-inspiring and beautiful.

The film is about Andrew Neyman, played by Miles Teller, a freshman at college, who is an aspiring drummer and does not simply want to be good. I must say that I was initially undersold by the trailer of the film, as I thought it was about drumming. However, it is about how the extent someone is willing to go to become the best at what the do. The instructor, Terrence Fletcher, played stunningly by J.K Simmons, is willing to go to any extent to make their students great. This includes verbal to emotional abuse and also physical abuse. I think the film also presents the dilemma of whether Fletcher is just doing his job of an instructor or carrying out the version of this job. In doing so, he becomes more of a drill sergeant than a music instructor.

I believe one reason why this film interest me primarily is because as a someone majoring in music studies, the film trained my ear in picking out each piece of music in a thorough manner. Also, when I consider my interest in music therapy, this film seems to lie at the extreme end of it. Music here is not therapeutic but rather cathartic and it always makes me wonder how this piece of cinematic adrenalin shows the competitive and cutthroat world of music, which is something that not many consider when thinking about the therapeutic effects of music.

Blog 3

Quite frequently, music gets minimal amount of consideration in the present filmmaking industry, and it is not hard to perceive any reason why. Music is invisible in films. Additionally, not every person is musically inclined, and they might be so enveloped with the co-ordinations of production process, that music is actually pretty low on the priority list at this moment. However, it is important to remember the impact that a music director wants to evoke from the crowd during each scene and set aside some effort to give genuine thought to the central component of music in the film project.

It is possible to affect the audience visually, and it also possible to affect them audibly in what one lets them hear. However, when the visuals fit with sound in a meaningful manner, that is the moment when the crowds go from essentially observing and hearing, to really feeling. Think of the ominous music that plays before the famous shower scene in Psycho.

On the off chance that you have watched any of the classical films, you will quickly observe the presence of music at urgent moments in the story. There is a certain melodic extravagance that films of past ages had, that I lamentably do not see quite a bit of today. A ton of films used to have long basic credits, that highlighted the film's main theme, which constructed expectation for what was to come, and set up an air. Consider Alfred Hitchcock films, James Bond, and so on.

In the entertainment world, there is access to shading palettes, designs, rules, protocols and best practices for pretty much everything. Nonetheless, with regards to music, it is not generally that obvious. A filmmaker will must be the one to settle on the decision on whether the selected scene would be ideal with music. In some cases, even quietness or simply ambient music of the scene convey more weight than music could at that time, and this is something I learned during my postgraduate lessons need to consistently aware of during production.  

Blog 4

This year commemorates the 250th birth anniversary of Beethoven and I believe this is an opportunity to reflect about a craftsman who endured and conquered uncommon difficulty. It is genuinely fitting that Beethoven, an artist who endured and conquered exceptional difficulty, would be so vitally associated with this year that brought unprecedented challenges to people all over the world. In Symphony No. 9, Beethoven expressed an expansive existential way of thinking that supported his faith in solidarity, resilience, harmony and euphoria. The symphony culminates in Ode to Joy, as it offers message of bliss, expectation and positive thinking that is genuinely needed during this year of pandemic. It appears in the fourth movement of Symphony No. 9 and it is among the most recognisable piece of music.

I have taken solace in finding stories about my favourite piece of classical music. Would you be able to envision what it might have been like if you are in your mid-twenties and steadily started losing your hearing, the one thing that is so desperately required for composing music? Obviously, such acknowledgment is decimating, and understandably Beethoven decided to end his own life however his resolute obligation to his aesthetic reason kept him pushing ahead as well as propelling himself innovatively more than ever. I am of the viewpoint that his loss of hearing brought about an internal creativity that challenged history and empowered him to rise above all limits.

I came across a research by the British Cardiovascular Society (BCS) conference held in Manchester found that listening to music that has 10-second repeated rhythm concurs a drop in pulse, diminishing the heart rate. Some of the recordings mentions in the conference were Va Pensiero by Italian Giusuppe Verdi, Nessun Dorma by Giacomo Puccini and Beethoven's Ninth Symphony adagio. While it is not a prescriptible medication (yet), the research proposes that these impacts are not individual, yet universal.

In the event that more proof affirms such findings, it could imply that similar kinds of tunes with comparable rhythms (like third movement in Beethoven's Symphony No. 9) may help in lowering blood pressure in each one of us.

That is quite impressive.

Blog 5

Over the couple of decades, music therapy has evolved into modern science. The Chinese culture have used music for medicinal for a long time. As I study at music from a technical point of view, I decided to find more about the traditional Chinese music therapy. For more than a millennia Chinese community looked for the privileged insights of the universe's melody and cadence. I have grown up hearing from my grandparents about music therapy being an aspect of traditional Chinese medicine. These two aspects share an interwoven and continuous relationship. Music, along with theory of yin and yang, and the five elements remain interconnected.

In ancient times, people thought Tao was the essence of music. As a child, I don’t remember paying much attention to this piece of information that my grandfather was so interested to impart. Years later, as a high school student, when I came across the concept of Tao, I knew better than to not pay attention. Tao is the changes in yin and yang, controlling the force of life, as well as the universe’ tone and mood. In ancient China music was divided into five tone that belonged to each of the five elements of Kung, Shang, Chiao, Chih and Yue.

What I found to be particularly interesting is that as per traditional Chinese medication, the five sounds compare to the inner organs. This hypothesis is utilised in various clinical diagnosis and offering treatment. Various sounds influence various organs. The hypothesis of the five tones frames the holistic premise of music therapy in traditional Chinese medication. The yin and yang related to Heaven and Earth are identified with the body's yin and yang. Taoists have consistently accepted that the human body is a little universe, and inward harmony can be influenced by external harmony. How profound is this.

As per the five basic tones, one can identify various impacts in the human body. For example, Kung-based tunes are grouped as noble, Earth-related, and influence the spleen. Regularly tuning in to such music makes one open minded and kind. Shang tunes are hefty, similar to metal, inflexible. This music influences the lungs; and successive listening is said to make one noble and amicable. Chueh-based music proclaims the onset of spring and stirs all life once again. This sort of music influences the liver. Tuning in to it makes one charitable and conciliatory. Chih music is profoundly emotional, similar to fire. It influences the heart. However, tuning in to it makes one generous.

Yue-based tunes are despairing, as peaceful as running water. They influence the kidneys. Tuning in to these tunes balances one’s intellect and gentleness.

As the ancient Chinese saying states "sad yet not hurt," and "content but not overabundance". While I do not claim that body ailments needs to be treated in the above stated manner, this is the way of life that Chinese music endeavors to pass on.

Blog 6

My secondary school-life revolved around two main interest: music and bio science. My adoration for bio science started with an interest in the functioning of human body. I once toyed with the idea of turning into a medical caretaker, but I feel nauseated when I am around blood. I wound up predominantly thinking about may be simply choosing other field in bioscience for my higher studies, yet something was preventing me from doing it.  I knew I did not want to give up music, and I went beyond jamming sessions with my band after school hours. But I was not sure how to make that into a career. Last year of high school, I carried out research on possible options, and then I decided to pursue music for higher education.  

One would have thought that knowing how to play certain instruments would have made my academic life easy but soon I learned my lesson. While being an undergrad is difficult, being a music understudy is hard. Between classes, theories, practices and schoolwork, one is kept unquestionably occupied. It was while I was pursuing my college degree that I came to know about music therapy. It grabbed my attention immediately.

While there are times when I questioned if I chose the right degree, I also reminded why I chose to study music in the first place. Discovering music therapy was an important point as it made me consider if I as a sound engineer I can curate or make music that intentionally incorporates therapeutic outcomes. I realised this more during the current pandemic situation where I found myself searching for music that would help me feel better during the lockdown situation. I decided to dig deeper and study the music as an aspiring audio engineer. While this is an ongoing side-project of mine, I think the outcome will help me attain my goal of creating therapeutic music later on.

Blog 7

Last Thursday, I found myself reflecting upon my own encounters in music as a study, and a seasonal guitar player. My thoughts mostly revolved around how I went from someone who thought they wanted to pursue bio science to someone studying music. Who were there to support me along my bending path? I wonder if other people also ponder about their scholarly and their support system? I think one of the common factors among all of my support system was they understood my belief of music lessons being something more than playing an instrument. Music exercises can be viewed as life exercises.

I must put a small disclaimer before I go any further. I cannot specify each and every individual who went to impact how music played an important role in my life. There are endless individuals who have empowered and shown me, including my previous and current professors. I think about my absolute first music instructor, my grandpa, who handed me his old guitar and when I was 10 years of age and taught me to play some of his old favourite tunes. I started to choose tunes and make melodies after two years, and I always count my grandfather as my first music instructor. I remember him as a sweet, kind man who possessed a charming little Shitzou canine who would drink up tea (with cream) on the floor beside the couch where my music lessons would take place.

My grandfather played guitar for fun and once I reached 13 years of age, my music interest began to diversify, and I wanted to learn how to play the drums. We started looking for a teacher and I had to look no further than my family. This time it was my cousin, who took me under her tutelage and gave me lessons every weekend.

I learned more in the years to come but my grandfather holds a special place as my first music teacher.

Blog 8

This year was quite revealing to me. Pandemic and my lockdown coping method aside, I found myself pursuing various interest, trying new things and found surprising thing about myself as well. One that I did not see coming is I would go on to enjoy gospel music in a therapeutic manner.

I found gospel music to have a relieving and quieting impact that influences the brain in a positive manner. It lifted my state of mind, and the verses have a method of elevating one’s spirituality to another level. I believe that at the point when the barbed edges of life are influencing oneself, gospel music can mellow those issues and water down feelings of anxiety. This is on the grounds that gospel music recognises the disappointments of everyday day life, and it gives the support that makes the listener easy to push ahead. The tempo of the music, the pitch play a significant role in it.

Tuning in to gospel music is not just entertaining, as it can likewise offer nurturing of one’s soul. Gospel music in general is motivational, fortifies confidence and spirituality, which gives a decent foundation to spiritual development. All through time, music has been related with the divinity. It has been utilized in religious practices customs to improve supplication and confidence, give a way to request, petition and commendation. Music can help individuals to remember their connection with imagination and eventually with the innovative life power.

While my religious beliefs do not align with the Christianity, I listen to gospel music as I find it soothing, minus the religious connotations, and it demands my whole attention. It engages me in a movement, and I follow the beat of the music as I follow the tempo and pattern and go through various mixture of emotions.

Blog 9

Internet is changing the concept and perception around classical music. I think of the duo TwoSet Violin when I think of this. I just spent an hour binge-watching their older videos. Set up in 2014, TwoSet Violin is an Australian comedy musician group who every now and the showcases the life of classic musician through YouTube videos. The founders Brett Yang and Eddy Chen were past members of professional orchestras in Australia. They established TwoSet Violin to fulfil their goals of being comedians while keeping music near their work.

What is not there to like about TwoSet Violin? Their friendship, their rigorous knowledge on the world and life of violin players, and my personal favourite making fun of violists and viola, all in good humour. Then later on I was introduced to Victor Borge, another acclaimed piano player who also makes use of humour and makes fun of the carefree side of musicianship by telling jokes and actual setbacks that occurred during his exhibitions.

What caught my attention to TwoSet Violin’s YouTube channel is the duo’s constant experimentation, and their parodies of life as classical music students. Very soon, I found myself laughing at Ling Ling jokes and “Practice 40 hours a day” saying.

As a teen thought the world of classical music was “all work and no play.” But TwoSet is changing the notion of classical music being a piece of high culture. For instance, the duo have played pop music in the style of classic musicians. Who would have thought Jingle Bells in Paganini style would be such an interesting experience? They also make light jabs as the tune’s simplicity. Besides their creative and funny content, I think the popularity of TwoSet Violin lies in the fact that they genuinely combine humour with the splendour of instrumental pieces and live up as professional musicians while also having a humble personality.

Blog 10

I created a pandemic playlist.  Of all things that I did to keep me afloat during these testing times, curating a playlist was the most fun activity I did. I think perhaps there is certain truth to finding joy in little things. Without a doubt, this pandemic has tested the resilience of my emotional well-being. The lockdowns and remaining indoors prompted my increase in my depression and anxiousness. Not only this, but I was continually stressed over the wellbeing and security of my loved ones some of whom are frontline workers and are the preferred choice to treat coronavirus patients. My everyday routine had become monotonous and this likewise brought huge changes in my eating and sleeping habits. I caused me to feel like I had no control over my situation and heightened my anxiety. In the entirety of this, music acted as my saviour and it caused me a great deal to improve my psychological well-being. I made a playlist and I recently added some songs to it.

I call my playlist “Tanghulu” after my favourite Chinese sweet. These are my top 10 songs from the playlist.

1.     Taylor Swift- Shake It Off

2.     Black Pink feat. Selena Gomez- Ice Cream

3.     Twice- Likey

4.     Boney M- Sunny

5.     ABBA- Dancing Queen

6.     Escape Plan- The Brightest Star In The Night Sky

7.     The Beatles- Here Comes the Sun

8.     Namewee- Stranger in the North

9.     KUN- Lover

10.   BTS- Dynamite

While not done intentionally, the playlist reflects the theory of positive psychology. This theory has gone on to affect the discourse that surrounds the topic of mental health, while also providing significance ideas concerning the link between one’s mental health and music. I am not professing my playlist is the cure-all to end negative thoughts but this one works for me.

[jocelynbass1991]

Stop A Divorce And Save My Marriage Surprising Tricks

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#Stop A Divorce And Save My Marriage Surprising Tricks #How To Save Your Relationship When Shes Pullin

[shadowsong26fic]

Index Post

This list will be updated as and when I remember to. My fanfiction is primarily hosted on AO3 (though I do have an old FFN account if you can find it), but I figured this would be a good idea/make things easier to find, especially for the content that’s Tumblr-exclusive, as well as my original fiction which is hosted elsewhere.

Stories marked with an * are complete.

My AO3

Star Wars:

Precipice

An AU in which Anakin Skywalker does not follow Mace Windu and the others to Palpatine’s office after they leave to arrest the Chancellor. As a result, he doesn’t get that final push over the edge, and doesn’t Fall.

…well, that’s where it starts, anyway. Our Heroes reunite with some old friends and pick up some new ones; Sidious find substitute apprentices…the story continues on for several years after the breakpoint, with the Rebellion gradually taking shape and the twins growing up, as well.

Content warnings for war, genocide, strongly implied child abuse (not from any of Our Heroes; Palpatine is raising a child), the Emperor is a POV character.

On AO3

Bonus Fic 1: Father’s Day; Untitled*

Bonus Fic 2: 100k; Margins*

Bonus Fic 3: One Year Anniversary; Secrets*

Bonus Fic 4: Valentine’s Day; All My Love, - A*

Bonus Fic 5: Mother’s Day; Untitled*

Meta, answered asks, deleted scenes, etc., can be found in the Precipice Verse tag

Updates (theoretically/ideally) approximately once every week/two weeks, usually somewhere between Thursday and Sunday night.

I have been on semi-hiatus for the past few months due to getting super-busy at work and then Moving, but I’m planning to get back on track for June, so we should be back to regular updates in the near future! ::...knocks on wood::

Distaff

In which Anakin Skywalker is a cis lady and the twins' gestating parent.

This story’s working title was The Crack AU That Takes Itself Too Seriously. In essence, Anakin Skywalker is a cis girl. So is Padme. Anakin still somehow gets pregnant. She is very confused. Everyone is very confused. And then ROTS happens...

Content warnings for war/violence; also, while no one is, has been, or will be assaulted, the topic of sexual assault does come up a couple times. I believe I’ve left a note on all the chapters where it comes up.

On AO3

Bonus Fic: Mother’s Day; Untitled*

Meta, answered asks, etc., can be found in the Distaff tag

Updates as and when I complete material, does not have a fixed schedule.

Masks

A near-canon AU in which Emperor Palpatine has a daughter.

An In Spite of a Nail AU, for the most part; though I tend to operate in a blended Legends/official canon. For those of you who follow Precipice, this is essentially Lavinia’s story if she existed in a canon-aligned timeline, rather than a true AU.

On AO3

Meta, answered asks, etc., can be found in the Masks Verse tag

CURRENTLY ON HIATUS

Auxiliaries

This is an AU in which Queen Amidala’s ship stopped someplace other than Tatooine for repairs. (The rest of TPM goes basically as in canon–someone else blew up the control ship, I’m sort of handwaving that detail, at least for now).

Eventual ObiAniDala; either Anakin-centered vee or full triad, I haven’t decided. There will also be at least one key OC involved, though I haven’t actually introduced her yet. This is the most divergent timeline I’ve written (or probably will write) for SW, but I have a lot of fun with it.

Auxiliaries is a little different from how my other stories are structured, in that it’ll be told as a series of short fics/vignettes in the overall AU (the title of which will be explained in later sections), not necessarily in chronological order.

General content warnings for war/violence/slavery; anything else that comes up in a specific story will be tagged accordingly.

A Day at the Races: Part One; Part Two [upcoming]; Part Three [upcoming]

                  Around three years after the Naboo Crisis, Jedi Knight Obi-Wan Kenobi is sent on a mission to Malastare, and meets a certain champion podracer for the first time…

Bout*

              Five years after meeting Anakin Skywalker on Malastare, Obi-Wan is back at the Temple, observing a senior initiate saber class.

Updates as and when I complete material, does not have a fixed schedule.

The Phoenix

About halfway between The Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi, Luke and Vader crash onto a planet that is essentially a typical fantasy world.

A crossover with my original fantasy world, The Farglass Cycle

Content warnings for some body horror, slavery, impending genocide, some mostly oblique references to previous genocide, other violence.

On AO3*

On Dreamwidth*

In theory, there are two other parts to this story, working titles The Caladrius and The Hercinia. I do intend to put them up eventually and have been poking at them off and on, but do not have an estimated completion/start date or anything at this time. So it’s less a hiatus and more a…waiting for the next season to start, I guess…?

AU Outlines

Heralds of Star Wars (Jedi of Valdemar?)

              Crossover/fusion with the Heralds of Valdemar series.

The Rabbit Hole AU: Part One; Part Two

               Temple-raised Palpatine

Bail Unfucks the Timeline

               Exactly what it says on the tin.

Distaff Variant 1a

               A Distaff AU in which Palpatine’s solution to the problems presented by Anakin’s pregnancy is to poison her and induce a miscarriage because yes I do in fact write AUs for my AUs. CW for discussion of miscarriage/abortion, as well as the same as the main/actual story.

Ventress and Her Tiny Time-Travelling Conscience: Part One; Part Two

               In which ten/twelve-year-old Luke Skywalker walks through a Magic Canyon and lands about a year/year and a half before the end of the Clone Wars.

Everyone Is Time-Travelling and No One Will Admit It

               Okay, okay, so the title is a little bit disingenuous; the entire PT trio is time-travelling (but they’re the only ones), Anakin and Obi-Wan have told each other but no one else, and Padme is keeping things entirely to herself. CW for some portions that could read as suicidal ideation (i.e., the last like ten minutes of the animated BatB movie ‘maybe it’s better this way,’ with a side of Act Five of Cyrano de Bergerac.)

               (Also, I may end up redoing/reworking this one at some point)

Distaff Variant 2

                 A distaff AU in which Anakin decides to go to Utapau with Obi-Wan. Which, if she weren’t, y’know, pregnant, would probably have been the best possible thing for her to do...

Let’s Go Steal a Crossover: Part One (Background); Part Two [Upcoming]

                 A crossover between an AU of Masks!Verse (specifically, the Lavinia Organa AU, the background for which is described in Part One above) and Leverage.

You can also check out the AU Outlines tag

One-Shots:

Sanctuary: Tumblr; AO3*

              Rey wants to find her place in all of this. When she finds a reference to Mortis in one of Luke's books, it seems as good good place as any to start looking…

To his family, send him*

                In a world where Shmi survived, Obi-Wan brings Luke to safety.

It’s Like Déjà Vu (All Over Again)*

                 Three days ago, Padme Amidala closed her eyes for the last time in a sterile white room on an asteroid at the edge of nowhere. Three days ago, she opened them again in a sleek, chrome starship, watching Dorme put the finishing touches on Corde’s headdress, her own weighted braids a comforting blanket on her back.

                Padme decides to change things, decides she can save Anakin this time. Except, as time passes, she starts to realize things aren’t happening exactly the way she remembers…

                   Content warnings for war, violence, referenced genocide, referenced murder, these two dorks and their AOTC angst…

The Magic of Midwinter*

                  A little more than a year after the start of the Clone Wars, Padme, Obi-Wan, and Anakin celebrate Naboo's Midwinter together.

                  Written for JediFest 2017 December Drabbles exchange; Prompt: ObiAniDala, Holiday

These Three Remain*

                  Immediately after the Festival of Light (and Obi-Wan's stint undercover as bounty hunter Rako Hardeen), Anakin and Padme leave Coruscant on impulse, in response to an anonymous tip sent to Padme's office about vital intelligence hidden in a cache of stolen goods. But things go terribly wrong, and they find themselves stranded and injured, with limited resources and no one knowing exactly where they are.

                  Meanwhile, back on Coruscant, when Padme and Anakin don't return as planned, Obi-Wan does everything he can to find them and bring them home.

                  Their situation, dire though it is, forces the three of them to process everything that just happened, and what it might mean for their relationship, moving forward.

                     Written for SWBB 2018.

Untitled Mother’s Day Ficlet*

                       Quick, meditative little ficlet about Shmi and Anakin and lullabyes/bedtime stories.

Original Fiction:

The Farglass Cycle

This one is very difficult to summarize. It’s a big, sprawling fantasy world with loads and loads of characters. The main plot has to do with a war with Feredar, one of the major nations on the continent. Principal characters involve certain members of the Feredar royal family, members of the royal family of the City of Glass, who are primarily fire-mages; a water-mage pirate captain and her lover and sister; a water-mage who was held captive in Feredar...The war is kicked off when a prince from Glass goes into Feredar as a spy, to find out if the situation there regarding the enslavement of mages is serious enough to justify a war.

Content warnings for war, violence, slavery, impending genocide. There’s also a serial killer subplot, and some espionage and murder.

(...I need to get better at summarizing things...)

This archive, as a note, is incredibly out of date—I think I last updated it in December of 2014.

Lux

It’s the thirtieth century, and the Biblical Apocalypse is about to begin. Translator Mariko Anders gets swept up in the action when she meets and falls in love with the titular Lux, an Alien whose species she can’t quite identify. There’s also an immortal wandering around who periodically gets his memories erased, a sprawling human Family that traces itself back a thousand years, the newly-awakened Horsemen, the Antichrist and the Second Coming are growing up in hiding, and, of course, angels—some terrifying, some warm, some a little bit of both.

Basically: the Apocalypse. In Space.

(With lesbians.)

(Archive last updated in December of 2014.)

Battlestar Galactica:

Serenissima

Joseph Adama is the Doge of Venice, which is in graceful decline from its peak of maritime economic and naval power. His younger grandson, Zak, has recently eloped to King Louis' court in France with one Kara Thrace, and a dangerous politician, Thomas Zarek, is soon to return from a twenty-year exile related to the untimely death of a previous Doge.

Between Don Zarek's imminent return and the likely imminent increase in the Serene Republic's long-standing rivalry with the Ottoman Empire, Doge Adama wants to shore up a few alliances. He arranges for Laura Roslin, a widowed noblewoman, to marry his similarly-widowed son, Commander William Adama. His elder grandson, Lee Adama, is likewise engaged to the young daughter of Cardinal Gaius Baltar. The first wedding is to take place immediately, the second in approximately a year.

In Istanbul, the Sultan, John Cavil, is indeed scheming and preparing to launch a massive attack on Venice, while internal politics within his own family and court may not be quite as clear-cut as he thinks.There are spies everywhere, and nothing is certain but that looming problems foreign and domestic promise trouble for the Serene Republic in days to come...

A Total AU set in Baroque Venice, somewhere between 1650 and 1750. One key OC is involved, because I like my OCs. Cowritten with tigerkat24.

Currently more or less on hiatus.

For Sorrow Sung

Nineteen days before Baltar's trial is set to begin, a teenage girl is shot just outside of Dogsville. Helo investigates.

CURRENTLY ON HIATUS

Nothing AO3; Livejournal*

Alternate ending to Crossroads: you never know how you'll meet the end until there's nowhere left to run.

End of Line*

Poetry; stream-of-consciousness in prison, persona poem.

[I believe that’s everything I actually posted; I may update this if I find something else digging through my archives. I know I wrote some bits that I never posted anywhere for various reasons]

Supernatural:

Note: I’ve more or less fallen out of this fandom, so pretty much everything listed here can be considered on semi-permanent hiatus; though I’m happy to discuss them if anyone’s interested.

Heaven on Their Minds

An In Spite of a Nail AU where Judas Iscariot is a key player.

Arc One: Livejournal; AO3*

                  While Castiel tracks Crowley down, looking for the Colt, Bobby finds a reference to a Weapon that can banish anything. Seeing a shot at a Plan B, Sam and Dean go to meet with a professor who might be able to help them track it down. From there, they are put on the trail of Judas Iscariot, who is not exactly what history claimed he was.

Arc Two*

                  It's been eighteen months since Lucifer and Michael were trapped in the Cage, and Sam now has his soul back at last, but things aren't going as smoothly as hoped. With the war between Raphael and Castiel heating up, Gabriel scrambling to keep his old lies from coming back to haunt him, Judas AWOL, and whispers about Purgatory floating around, it isn't going to be easy to keep things from totally falling apart at the seams. Again.

                  Then, one day, Dean gets a call from Jo about an old friend wandering back into their lives...

Arc Three*

                  Gabriel is struggling to control the chaos in Heaven in the wake of Castiel’s destruction. Meanwhile, with Castiel gone, his wall gone, Lucifer and Leviathan everywhere, Sam gets closer to Judas. After all, no one knows psychic pain, and guilt, and the long, hard road to redemption, better than the two of them.

Sidestories

                  These are bits and pieces that take place in the Heaven on Their Minds universe, but, for various reasons, didn’t make it into the main story. All of the ones up there take place either prior to or during Arc One, but reference a significant spoiler.

There were further arcs planned, but I don’t anticipate them turning up, due to the aforementioned falling out of the fandom.

The Promises of Angels: Livejournal; AO3*

Nick has never been anything more than a pawn, and he knows that--but even a pawn, strategically placed, can change the game for everyone.

It's a world full of angels, demons, and humans all fighting for control of the board. And while all he's really playing for is what he was promised in the first place--peace that never seems to come--Nick finds himself dragged back into a high-stakes game he can't afford to lose. No matter how much he wants to break free, it becomes increasingly clear that something buried deep inside him has changed, in ways he can't possibly understand; ways that just might keep him involved in the horrors that Heaven and Hell both inflict on humanity and, in the end, make things better--or worse. Along the way, there are friends and foes, wardens and protectors, and those who would try to use him to shape the future they want to see...

This is canon compliant until, depending on how you’re counting, Swan Song or Goodbye, Stranger; most of what happens up through Goodbye, Stranger could theoretically happen alongside canon events/doesn’t contradict anything we see onscreen, but sets up the significant AU from that point on.

There were originally sequels planned, but as I’ve largely fallen out of this fandom, I doubt they’ll materialize.

Cartography Verse

Named for the Seanan McGuire song.

Moving On*

                  While Dean is in Purgatory and Sam is in Texas, Jody joins a grief support group and stumbles onto a case. Canon-compliant through 10x23.

Compliance*

                  Three years after meeting Nick, Jody learns the rest of his story. Canon-compliant through 10x23.

Fragments: Livejournal; AO3*

                  In an attempt to talk Sam out of seeking Lucifer’s help with the Darkness, Dean tracks down the next best thing on Earth--Nick. As it turns out, he’s closer than they think, and the trace of Grace left in him when he was dispossessed may be vital to defeating the Darkness. Unfortunately, Sam and Dean are not the only ones chasing Archangel fragments, and at least one other person on the trail seems willing to kill Nick to get what they need...

the summers die; one by one: Livejournal; AO3*

                  The aftermath of Hammer of the Gods. CW for discussion of canonical character death.

Avatar: the Last Airbender

UNDER CONSTRUCTION. I’ve more or less fallen out of this fandom, as well, though there’s a chance I’ll get back to it at some point. Almost everything I wrote was one-shots, and they’re scattered around in several different places. I don’t expect to put out any new content in this fandom for the foreseeable future.

I’ll probably dig around and put together a specific link list at some point, but for now, a lot of it is on AO3, some of it is on my LJ, under the avatar tag 

Miscellania

Lighter than a Feather*

               Wheel of Time fanfic;  The night after Rand and Nynaeve cleanse the taint from saidin, Mazrim Taim goes to deal with an Asha'man who recently snapped. CW for murder and saidin-taint madness. Some alternate character interpretations, as well. Spoilers through Winter’s Heart.

              This was originally going to be the springoff point for a much longer AU. I don’t know if I’ll ever write it, even if I fall back into this fandom, but I may take some of the concepts/plans and file the serial numbers off for an original fantasy story.

The Epic Crossover RP OF DOOM

               (I linked the Tumblr tag because it’s easier)

               A crossover between Precipice, Marvel/MCU, BSG, The West Wing, Castle (technically), Miss Fisher’s Murder Mysteries, The Daisy Dalrymple Mysteries, Thin Man, Thrilling Adventure Hour: Beyond Belief, and The Phantom of the Opera.

               Cowritten/RP’d with tigerkat24. OCs abound.

The Blood to be Repaid*

               A crossover between The Farglass Cycle and Pirates of the Carribean

Support of Family*

               Sequel to The Blood to be Repaid

The Hands of Cain*

               A crossover between The Farglass Cycle and Criminal Minds

#miscellania #shadowsong26fic

[womenofcolor15]

Kelis Says Pharrell Williams ‘Stole Her Publishing’ - ‘I Don’t Feel Like Protecting The Sanctity Of The Black Man Any More’

It’s 2020 and Kelis is no longer protecting black men. She has revealed producer Pharrell Williams stole her publishing from her first two albums. When she approached him about it, he basically blamed her for signing the contract. She also gives an update on her co-parenting relationship with her ex-husband Nas. Get it all inside…

Caught Out There!

For the most part, black women have defended and protected black men as it has been preached to us since we were young. Racial solidarity is definitely a “thing” and it’s taught early.

Black women and girls are pressured to keep their mouths shut to protect black men who violate us and to also step up to the plate to defend black men who have been wronged, i.e. Gabrielle Union supported Terry Crews when he made sexual assault allegations only for him to act obtuse when she spoke out about the "toxic" and "racially insensitive" work environment behind-the-scenes at “AGT.” His defense was he never experienced any racism or sexism on the show. However, he didn’t have to experience it to simply have her back like she did for him when he was battling against critics of his sexual assault claims.

Well, it seems black women are catching on and are speaking out about the alleged abuse and violations at the hands of black men.

Singer Kelis is at a place in her life where she no longer feels the need to “protect” black men at her own expense. And she’s sharing her story, unfiltered, regardless of how men who have wronged her feel.

These days, the trained chef is taking care of her farm that’s two and a half hours outside of LA, deep in wine country, with her photographer husband Mike Mora. They live on the farm with their four-year-old son Shepherd and Kelis’ 10-year-old son Knight, whom she shares with rapper Nas. Sounds kinda dreamy, actually.

It’s the 20th anniversary of her debut album Kaleidoscope, so she’s gearing up for a mini tour to celebrate.

Reflecting on her debut album brought back some bitter memories. The 40-year-old singer-turned-chef shared how her friendship with the Neptunes – Pharrell Williams & Chad Hugo – crumbled over money.

“I thought it was a beautiful and pure, creative safe space,” she said in an interview with The Guardian. “But it ended up not being that at all.”

Kelis’ story about being an aspiring artist signing a shady contract is something we’ve all heard about the music industry over the years. However, this story hit different for her because it was “friends” who ripped her off.

“I was told we were going to split the whole thing 33/33/33, which we didn’t do,” she explained.

She said she was “blatantly lied to and tricked,” pointing specifically to “the Neptunes and their management and their lawyers and all that stuff.”

Her first two albums – Kaleidoscope (Dec. ’99) & Wanderland (Oct. ‘01) – were produced by the Neptunes. She alleged she didn’t make a dime for her album sales because she was making money from touring “and just the fact that I wasn’t poor felt like enough,” but she eventually smartened up and realized she was NOT receiving her coins.

“Their argument is: ‘Well, you signed it.’ I’m like: ‘Yeah, I signed what I was told, and I was too young and too stupid to double-check it.’”

Def heard this before. It’s a common theme in the music industry about young, black entertainers signing contracts without having their own legal council to look it over. By the way, The Guardian said they reached out to Pharrell & Chad, but they did not respond to repeated requests for comment.

When it was time to work on their third album Tasty, she decided to work with different producers and she said she could tell the Neptunes “were really offended.” After that, they were no longer friends. However, Kelis said she’s not angry about the situation, she’s simply “stating the facts.”

“To be honest with you, I think if it were not for my faith, I feel like that would probably be the case. It’s very clear to me, especially being on a farm, that whatever you put in the ground, that is what’s going to come back to you,” she said.

A few years ago, Pharrell was performing at an industry event where she was seated in the audience and she shared their interaction.

“And he did that thing to me that he’s notorious for, which is making a nod from the stage [to someone in the audience], so it seems like there’s mutual respect, when in reality …” She throws her head back and laughs. “I’m like, OK, I’m not going to yell back: ‘You stole all my publishing!’ So you end up nodding back and everyone thinks everything’s great. Like, whatever.”

When asked if she would ever work with P again, she said, “Ummm, at that point there’s having faith and there is also just stupidity.”

Can’t blame her there.

This revelation comes after Kelis revealed in 2018 her ex-husband/rapper Nas (whom she married in 2005) allegedly physically abused her throughout their relationship - something he vehemently denies.

She left Nas while seven months pregnant and she credited the Rihanna/Chris Brown 2009 assault as the driving force that helped her make that decision – “It woke me up.” After she found out she was pregnant, she knew she couldn’t bring another person into the madness, so she dipped for good.

After all that she has gone through, she’s no longer staying silent.

“Well, I’m a very private person, and whether it’s the stuff with the Neptunes and being assaulted from a business perspective, to then being assaulted in the home, I fought so hard to have my own voice, even with the umbrella of these men looming over what I was trying to do. I’m not broken. But I don’t feel like protecting the sanctity of the black man any more,” she shared.

After Kelis made the allegations, Nas denied ever assaulting her and accused her of not letting him see his son.

“Any rational person would look at this situation and say [to Nas]: ‘Well, if you want to see [your child], you have to actually show up!’ My kid is a really happy child, because I don’t tell him when [his father] says he’s going to come and doesn’t show up.”

So, it seems she and Nas still have a strained co-parenting relationship.

Kelis also opened up about racism in the industry:

"The issue of race has been such a big part of my entire career. It was never something that I struggled with personally. But it was other people’s confusions. Macy Gray and I were the first [black women] to be considered alternative. But people were like: ‘But you’re black and alternative? What is that?’ Which already is a stupid-ass question, but it was put in our faces all the time,” she explained.

No surprise there. 

        View this post on Instagram

                  It's the 20 year anniversary of my first album Kaleidoscope! Hitting the road in Europe to celebrate Tickets on sale Friday at 10am CET.

A post shared by Kelis (@kelis) on Nov 18, 2019 at 1:05am PST

  On the bright side, Kelis will leave her farm to kick off “The Kaleidoscope Tour” on March 3rd in Europe. She'll wrap up in London on March 17th.

Photos: Everett Collection/ Ron Adar/Shutterstock.com

[Read More ...] source http://theybf.com/2020/01/31/kelis-says-pharrell-williams-%E2%80%98stole-all-her-publishing%E2%80%99-%E2%80%98i-don%E2%80%99t-feel-like-protecting-the

[lightoverturesystem]

24

Birthdays.

They are supposed to be a day about celebrating your life, and subsequently, the fact you are still living. Most of my life, it has been a day the opposite of that. The last happy birthday I can remember was when I was 7. I got a Pokémon poster, and that's about all I can recall. My mother always seemed to make the day that was supposed to be about me, about herself. She made the entire ordeal so stressful and abusive some days, I would wish it wasn't my birthday. From 15 on, I started telling her I didn't want anything for my birthday, that I didn't like cake anymore, or I opted for something simple. Presents, when I was lucky enough to get them, were just a reminder my parents didn't really know me anymore, because they drove me away with their abuse. As a child, I was always sad about it. I felt forgotten, or unimportant. All around me were children who had "normal" birthdays, who were obviously loved by their parents. 

Being on the cusp of the holidays, which were a bad time in its own right, my birthday has always been an indicator one of the official worst days of the year coming up really fast. Around this day is when they start bringing out all the holiday items in stores, put up lights, and everything else deemed "Christmas." To make matters worse, each Christmas I had been ostracized from half of my family for being transgender. Which in the end, was probably a good thing, though painful nevertheless.

This time last year, I was in a very different place with very different people. My birthday was a quiet celebration on a skype call with three of my lovers, two of which turned out to be pretty terrible to me. I sat through most of that skype call pretty sad inside even though I appreciated their efforts to make the day about me. Things were hard, at least on my end, being one abusive relationship, and another where I was not satisfied. At the end of the day, when everyone was gone, busy doing other things or asleep, it was just me and Dandy. She told me about this great thing on Netflix that was a fireplace ambience piece put as a video. I put it on my TV, had a drink, played Farmville and celebrated my life the best I could. Looking back, we both agreed with was a good night between us. Dandy and I would grow closer in the coming months, as she struggled to process her own abusive relationship and mine started to come to a head.

This year around, I am sitting in bed with my partner, and watching a great TV show. She brought me my favorite breakfast in bed meal, chocolate chip pancakes, and made Blue his favorite chocolate chip cookies cut out into little animal shapes. She presented me with thoughtful sentimental gifts: finger-paints and fridge magnets, both he has shown a desire for earlier in the year. She got Jasper (my male witch alter) and I a big mug (which Blue has a favor for large bowls too) that says Basic Witch on it, and two glass mason jars that have chalkboard lids. Lately I have rekindled my passion for cooking and baking, which was lost as a teen, as we have been watching The Great British Baking Show together. I expressed my desire for proper measuring spoons and ware so I can try making new recipes at home as well, as I have been at her house for the last five weeks. She got me a set of porcelain measuring spoons, and a sturdy spatula that has cooking conversion measurements on them. Along with these, I was handed a 1 Lb candy cane, a bag of spearmint and cinnamon candy, holiday mike and ikes, & hot cocoa flavored cotton candy. Lastly, she bought me a copy of Pokémon Ultra Sun and a Pokémon poster, to compliment the 3DS and Pokémon Moon I got her earlier last month, an investment for our relationship since we can play together. I was waiting for an ex to mail me back the 3ds I gave her, but months have gone by so I gave up on that. I told her I didn't want it back, but she insisted, so I told Dandy she could have it since I didn't really want it anyway. I told her awhile ago if it didn’t come through, I would get her one anyway. Dandy, who loves animal crossing and has just found a love for Pokémon, is very excited to play with me. I've wanted to find someone as excited about Animal Crossing as I have been for a long time, and finally I found someone, something Blue and I are very happy about!

Tomorrow, we are going hiking down a trail and picnicking to celebrate our 1 year anniversary early while we are together. Sunday we are making homemade authentic ramen, and Dandy is making a vegan version of Hershey's Pie since that was my favorite growing up, and going to a drive in with her parents to see

This year, now 24, my health has changed for the better. I am on several new medications, and am going to be starting physical and hydrotherapy. I started a new type of meditation that is going to be monitored scientifically through a pain psychologist, and my transition is as far as I can take it now except for waiting for time to make the rest of the slow changes being on Testosterone. I am uncovering the memories I have always wanted to, even as hard as that can be. This evening, we are going to get dressed up and go to a local vegan restaurant that is black owned and operated, which is a double gift in itself as intersectional feminism is something we bonded deeply over and is nice we get to support what we would prefer to when we can, especially on a special night. We both firmly believe in supporting black owned businesses, especially locally owned, and up north I have not much chance to do this as things are more commercialized where I live.

The 13th I am leaving her to go back home to a new place with a good friend, to practice making different types of breads, jams, desserts and entrees that I have learned while here. I have a lot more writing to do once home, but for now, this has been a great day so far. Dandy is one of the most generous and caring people I have ever met; I can only hope to match her kindness once her Birthday rolls around. 

Today is not only a celebration of the fact I have made it this far, am alive to see 24 through it all, but how I am in a much better place emotionally, physically, and in my life and relationships, both lovers and friends.

xo for now, I’ve got a shower to take with the love of my life.

#tw abuse #tw christmas #tw food

[diddykongfan]

well in that case: Librarian + 77 d; if that's good for you

“I might even be able to tell you when there’s a ghost around before you know it yourself.” - Demons Are a Ghoul’s Best Friend, Victoria Laurie

So, I do not recall exactly when you asked for this, @amaryllisblackthorn, but I found your ask and the quote I was supposed to use as inspiration waiting around in my drafts and I am so sorry that it’s probably been three years? Just. Judging by when most of my Librarian + fics were written. For the delay, I sincerely apologize.

Anyway, this fic became a monster of a multi-chapter, if I’m honest with you, because of how I finally got my inspiration on what it could be - and as such, this particular post is only the prologue. Though, with all the pieces that are in play, I don’t know when other chapters are actually going to come, because I just have so much to work with.

Gremma, obviously. Though the prompt comes from Victoria Laurie’s Ghost Hunter Mystery series, the AU is based more around Heather Graham’s Krewe of Hunters series. Basically the formula I derived from the Krewe of Hunters and applied to Gremma goes as such: “psychic investigator + skeptic who probably actually has a bit ofpsychic ability themselves + gruesome murder + ghosts most likely, probably ahaunted house too = sparks flying!” and in that vein, since we all know who the skeptic in the relationship is (*looks pointedly at Emma*), Graham is gaining ghost-sensing related psychic abilities!

Despite the paranormal goings-on, this is absolutely a No Curse Modern AU, with a bit of role reversal in that Graham is the one to come from out of town while Emma is established as Storybrooke’s Sheriff.

There is a murder right here in this first part, just as a warning to the reader, and there will most likely be other dark moments later on, so read at your own discretion.

Things Half in Shadow, 1/?

The Storybrooke graveyardisn’t known for being haunted; it is, very much so in the opinionsof those in the know, but it’s a fact that the folks trying to drum up tourismrefuse to acknowledge, despite the draw New England hauntings tend to have.

Maybe it’s not being thesite of a great tragedy that saves it from such a cheap fate, the MotherSuperior muses as she walks among the tombstones. She’s never liked the idea ofghosts, of souls denied their final rest, but she has believed since the day ofher own biggest failure - the day Bae Gold went missing. Even now, no one knowswhat happened, not fully, but she would have sworn before a judge that theteenager had come to her that day, terrified of his father, looking for advice.

But he couldn’t have,because at the time that she would swear she saw him, he was also seen gettingon board his stepfather’s boat, though Captain Jones himself had been down atthe Rabbit Hole.

She’d had a soft spot forBae - so sweet, and willing to believe in a way that she foundwas getting rarer as years passed, to believe not just in a higher power but inthe goodness of man. It wasn’t the first time he’d come to her because hisfather’s abuse of power unsettled him, just the most openly frantic.

Except he could not havebeen two places at once, and he has come to her since - though it’s been nearlytwenty years, and he hasn’t aged in that time, he does appear in her officeevery year like clockwork, the anniversary of that last day. He doesn’t speak,anymore, just stands silent in the corner, and she mourns his bright spark and regretsnot doing more to help before he was lost to them all.

(Others might write offher visions of Bae as her own guilty conscience. But she knows the clock on thewall read 8:15 that night, when he arrived, and multiple witnesses at the docksconfirmed the same time for their sighting. She knows that something happened,something not just in her mind.)

Since then, she’s quietlyaccepted the souls between the headstones, makes a point to keep them companyweekly, as she’s doing now. Even if she has not seen them, she can feel in herheart it’s the right course of action.

But Bae only visits oncea year, the end of June, and on this chilly October evening, she is as far fromexpecting to see him as is humanly possible.

Yet there he stands, overthe grave his mother has occupied since her heart attack. He looks almostalive, the darling boy.

“Sister!” she could swearshe hears him, swear there is fear in his eyes, “Sister, you have to run!Run now!”

How odd. Butshe trusts in God well enough to know if Bae is telling her to run, He sent theboy for her protection.

Unfortunately, perhaps due to the surprise of seeing him unexpectedly, shehesitates to act on it too long for the warning to be of any use, somethingcrashing into the back of her skull with a sickening crunch as the boy’sfrantic spirit fades from view.

…

A few years ago, when theteam had only just formed, Graham might have been surprised to find Aurorasitting atop her husband’s desk, journal and pen in hand, glaring at whatevershe’d written like it personally offended her.

Now, not so much. Thoughhe is unsure why he’s faced with this sight instead of… Well, Phillip hadcalled him in to meet, hadn’t he? There had been a voicemail on his phone tothat effect, and stating he should just walk in when he arrived, when he’dwoken that morning. He’d gotten in as soon as he could. And yet, the man isclearly out of the office, for the time being.

Aurora’s dreams areplagued by spirits begging for help, but they can only communicate with herthrough oftentimes gruesome images.

He knows she envieshim his form of speaking to spirits - he feels, sees, andhears them in the waking world, where they are far more eloquent, so long asthey actually know they’re dead. If not, they tend to be in a state of shock,wondering why no one can see them, hear them, and why they’re- Stuck, for lackof a better word.

“What was it this time?”he asks. It may not be what he’s here for, and if it was particularlydistressing he would probably be the worst at providing any sort of comfort,because his social skills are… Lacking, as Ruby puts it. But he knows that ithelps Aurora to have someone listen, and he can do that, at least. She looks upat him, and her anger from before falls into sadness.

“A woman,” shesays, “Her son’s been missing twenty years, but I didn’t feel him. She’slong dead, but she was terrified for a nun that used to be kind to the missingboy. I think the nun may already be gone, I saw– She was on the woman’s grave,and there was… Quite a bit of blood.”

Between the six of them,blood and gore and murder are nothing new. He was NYPD Homicide before he wason this team, Belle worked in forensics in New Orleans, Ruby had been asmall-town deputy… Phillip had been in the FBI three years before getting thisassignment. August was an expert at special effects and sleight of hand, andspecifically debunking fake video and audio, but he’d gained experience on thejob. Aurora had been a nurse before her abilities got her invited in – sheisn’t squeamish, so that she seems reluctant to say what she saw attests thather vision must have been worse than usual.

Aurora’s visions, whenthey aren’t already on a case, almost invariably precede their getting calledin. He knows that as well as he knows that Ruby believes her ability to findmissing people is somehow tied to her sense of smell, as well as he knows thatBelle relies more on her research and logic and forensics than she does on herability to see past events as though they were taking place in front of her, aswell as he knows that when they first started this team Phillip didn’t believe any of them actually had abilitiesbeyond the normal (Phillip still is, in many respects, a skeptic first andforemost – though much more open to possibilities now than when the teaminitially came together).

For the past few years,these people have been more of a family than he ever had in his life. So, givenhow things tend to work out for their little group, he knows that the visionwith the nun is very likely to become their next case, however it is thatalways works itself out. So he contemplates for a minute before choosing hisnext question.

“Did you get any namesfor Belle to start researching?”

She usually does – andthen it’s usually up to him and Ruby to get Belle researching before whateverproject she’s been working on between cases distracts her too much. And provideher with caffeine.

“Not this time,” Aurorashakes her head, “Not people. Not even the ghost that contacted me. But I didsee the sign for the cemetery. Storybrooke.”

…

The moment the call had come through, Emma had known it wasgoing to be a long day.

On the phone, Kathryn had been completely composed as shereported finding a dead body on her trip to the graveyard to leave flowers forher late fiancé, Frederick. But, then again, Kathryn Midas is a lawyer and theyoungest member of the town council; composurehas long been her trademark.

Emma had called in Marian and called in Doctor Whale – her deputyand the closest thing the town has to a Medical Examiner. Technically, there’ssupposed to be an election for M.E. whenever the election for the Sheriff’soffice comes due, but no one has actually run for it in years, and thus theposition falls to whatever Doctor is available.

Not that there have been an abundance of murders, or even suspicious deaths, inStorybrooke, to put it to any sort of actual test, but the system works well enough.

Kathryn’s statement in person hadn’t varied at all from whatshe’d said on the phone, except in that the shock was starting to cause herusual demeanor to come apart. She visits Frederick every Sunday, had been onher way to his final resting place when she’d seen the body and the blood and,dropping the flowers she was holding, immediately dialed her phone and stayedwell back to not disturb anything.

The blood alone had made it obvious that the Mother Superiorwasn’t going to be moving anytime soon.

“My initial findings are that it was blunt force trauma tothe back of the head,” Whale stands from his place surveying the scene. “I’llknow more after a more detailed examination in the morgue, of course. Judgingby the injuries and the blood, I’d say this is your crime scene – she wasn’tbrought here and posed after death.”

To be honest, this is the first crime more complicated thanpetty theft that she’s had to deal with since becoming Sheriff; definitely herfirst truly violent crime. Storybrooke isn’t perfect, but it’s always beenalmost too peaceful. Like somethingout of the world’s most sterilized and boring fairytale. She doesn’t complain –it makes her job easy, means she can spend plenty of time with her son, and more crime is not something any saneperson would want.

Although it does mean that she’s a bit out of her depthswith this. Knows what she’s doing, intheory, worked hard to get her criminal justice degree as a single mother,and on the surface it’s just like any other crime – find who had the motive,means, and opportunity, and find evidence, make an arrest and send them tocourt, let the jury reach a verdict.

But theory and practice are not remotely the same. And,considering who the victim has been identified as, and the fact that it’s a murder, this is the highest profilecrime in Storybrooke in something like 20 years – since she was a kid and oneof the local teenagers had disappeared.

“Emma?” She turns to where Marian had been stringing up thecrime scene tape to keep out gawkers who might trample their evidence, is morethan a little surprised to see her best friend standing there. Elsa has been Mayor a little less than a year, now– shouldn’t she be in her office, working on legislation orwhatever it is her job technically entails?

Still, she heads over. The Sheriff’s department does answerto the Mayor’s office, meaning Elsa is technically her boss, and it could beimportant.

“Anything wrong, Elsa?”

Her friend rubs gloved hands together, a nervous habit thatEmma knows well. Then, she lets out a sigh before speaking.

“Ruby called.”

The words don’t seem relevant, not really. Ruby was theirfriend, was Emma’s deputy before Marian moved to town; she’d been invited tojoin some government team after finding a few missing people after thehurricanes that had plagued the coast for the past several years, and it hadbeen a great opportunity for her career, but they haven’t spoken much since.

“You know her team is… Unconventional,” Elsa continues, andEmma crosses her arms. Yeah, unconventional is one word for it. They’ve been inthe news from a few high-profile cases they’ve solved. Supposedly, they’re allpsychics, looking at supernaturalangles to their cases to find the living, breathing humans behind them.

“One of her teammates had a vision, she said. A nun. Dead.On a grave. In the Storybrooke cemetery. Anna told me you called her to look after Henry so you could come out here, so as soon as I heard what Ruby had to say I came to see you myself.”

There’s not many ways she can respond to that; she doesn’tbelieve in psychics and visions and the paranormal, but Elsa doesn’t exactly have a reason to lie abouta story like that. About Ruby calling her to say those things.

“Why did you need to come see me?” Ruby’s teammate’s “vision”has to be a coincidence or something. Anna telling her sister about babysitting Henry for her is innocent enough, something that the younger of the Arendelle sisters would have no reason to hide if Elsa invited her to lunch and she needed to explain why she couldn’t come. Neither of those things explains Elsa being here in person instead of just calling about it.

“Ruby was worried the minute she heard Storybrooke might beinvolved. She wants – well, she wants to bring a few of her teammates down hereto help you look into things. On a volunteer basis. Considering the cemetery’sreputation, it might be prudent to-”

“The cemetery’s reputation as haunted, you mean,” Emma interrupts, her stare absolutely deadpan.The reputation that has no merit in anything except people’s imaginations; it’sjust a cemetery. A burial ground. There’s no spirits haunting the place. There can’t be, because those don’t exist.

“Listen, you know I don’t want to overstep my bounds. TheSheriff’s department is your office. But these are law enforcementprofessionals. One of them was a forensics expert, one of them was NYPDhomicide. It can’t hurt, can it? You’reshort-staffed, and Storybrooke hasn’t had to deal with something like thissince…”

Since her step-grandmother had killed several people,including her grandfather, in some sort of misguided attempt at “revenge” oversomething her mother supposedly did. But that was before she was even born,which most likely says something about the town that she doesn’t dwell on to figure out. Just because herpredecessor had thought there were holes all over the story in the Bae Golddisappearance and had a very thick file on it gathering dust in the office didn’tmean it was something of this magnitude.

“I told Ruby it was up to you,” Elsa says, instead offilling in the blank of the last time Storybrooke had a case anything likethis. “She said you would be in charge of the investigation, no one isinterested in stealing your jurisdiction. They don’t have any active casesright now--”

“Elsa, stop,” she shakes her head, brings a hand up to pinchthe bridge of her nose as she thinks. Normally she would laugh the offer off,say something along the lines of not needing ghost hunters mucking up her investigation. But they are professionals in the law enforcementfield first, Ruby herself is proof of that. And it could be nice to see herfriend again, and, more importantly, more relevantly, they have actualexperience in murder investigations that she and Marian and even Doctor Whalesimply do not have.

“I’d like to meet them before I make a decision. Can I getthat at least?”

“I’ll call Ruby back, see what we can arrange, okay?” Elsasmiles, pulling her phone from her pocket. Emma turns back to her crime scene,resumes photographing the scene and gathering evidence, refuses to feel like she’s just been manipulated into agreeing to something - she didn’t agree. Not yet.

There’s really nothing else to do but work on solving thismurder.

#amaryllisblackthorn #gremma appreciation #gremma #gremma au #(eventually anyway) #krewe of hunters au #things half in shadow #also some things feel ooc and there's a lot here that i'm 'meh' on but #i'm doing it i'm writing this au and i'm gonna see it through to the end no matter how long it takes #there's a whole bunch of characters mentioned besides gremma #and most of them will have supporting roles in some capacity #and the frozen characters are around even though i quit watching before they came in #mostly to give Emma a friend and Storybrooke a mayor who isn't Regina #(also Emma wasn't an orphan in this verse which is one of the reasons David is not her deputy) #(the other main reason being that Marian deserved better than what OUAT gave her)

[hayleybaaaby-blog]

because I really haven't taken a survey in years - I miss MySpace bulletin board or whatever, lmao.

1. What’s one thing that’s happened to you that has made you a stronger person?
• I'm not sure, honestly. I was in a severely abusive relationship for well over 4 years, ending in January when he was incarcerated for brutally beating me, raping me, & attacking me, all with our two children present. Our 5 year anniversary would be in a few days, the 28th. 😐 Truthfully, I don't know if I'm stronger, but I definitely know that I'll never tolerate anything like that again. Never. 2. What’s one thing that’s happened to you in your life that made you feel weak?
• being abused over & over again, physically, emotionally, sexually. All in front of my children. I feel pathetic, weak, & disgusted with myself to have kept taking him back.. 3. Where is one place you feel most like yourself?
• uh, well. I don't know. I feel trapped in the house I live in with my parents & 2 kids, but that's because of what Luis did to me in my very bedroom - on my bed - and in my kitchen + living room. I feel HAPPIEST at the park or library with the kiddos. Or outside in general. 4. Where is your favorite place to escape to?
• outside with my kids, walking up the dirt driveway. 🌞 5. Who do you think has had the largest influence on the person you are today?
• my kids' father. He's made me the MESS I am today.. 6. If you could change one thing about yourself what would it be?
• I can't just name one thing. I hate my mental health issues (severe anxiety, depression, & ADHD), dealing with constant migraines, the fact that I don't have a car, & the way I'm constantly beating myself up about everything. 7. If you had one day left to live, what would you do first?
• hmm. Take my kiddos to an amusement park or somewhere fun for kiddos. 🌸 8. What decade do you feel you most belong in?
• none. 😂 they're all awful tbh. The only one I kinda like is the 1980's. 9. Who are you closest to in your family? Why?
• my children, of course 👩‍👧‍👦 I birthed them, ya know 🤰🏼 But aside from my kiddos, I guess my mother. We butt heads a lot, but she's a very strong & motivated person. My sis & I used to be close.... it hurts. 10. Who is the one person in this world that knows you best?
• no one, shit I hardly know myself. 🙅🏼 11. What is your favorite quality about your best friend?
• how they grew inside of me, came from my body, love me unconditionally, & NEVER want to leave my side. 💘 if y'all can't tell who I'm talking about, that'd be my 2 darling babies. 💜💙💗 12. When you were younger what did you think you were going to be when you grew up?
• as a youngin', I wanted to be a teacher. Then as I got a lil older, I desired to be a Psychologist. But then I fell pregnant with Miranda & only took one semester in college.. 13. If you could identify with one fictional character (from a book, show, or movie) who would it be?
• honestly not sure. 14. Do you easily accept compliments? Or do you hate compliments?
• oh, who doesn't love compliments. They're brighten your spirit. Especially seeing as I suffered years of being told that I'm bad looking 🙄 but I'm also extremely self-conscious & awkward when I receive a compliment, so 🙈 tis the anxiety. 15. Is your favorite attribute about yourself physical or non-physical?
• I guess non-physical? I like how understanding and caring I am. I tend to care too much, tho. 16. What is your favorite attribute about yourself?
• I'm caring. 17. What is your favorite non-physical attribute about yourself?
• I've literally just said that 😂😂 18. Do you believe in love at first sight?
• I used to believe that anything was possible, until I met a monster who destroyed all my positivity. 19. Do you believe in soul mates?
• don't think so. 20. How seriously do you take horoscopes?
• I don't really check them lol. 21. Have you ever been in love? How many times?
• true, blindly, awful love: once. Puppy love: twice. 22. What makes you fall in love with someone?
• everything.... 💔 23. What does vulnerability mean to you? What has the ability to make you vulnerable?
• vulnerability just perfectly describe me currently. I'm fairly low in my emotions, so yeah. My kids' dad is who always made me feel that way. Also heartbreak, being betrayed, & embarrassment make me feel like that. 24. What’s one thing you’re scared to ask a man, but really want to?
• ain't nothing to scary to ask a man 🤔😬 25. If you were a man for a day, what would be the first thing you do?
• nothing lol I have no desire to be a man. 😳 26. What do you find most attractive about each sex? * men would be probably their eyes, smile, hands, arms, build. women would be their hair, eyes, smile, passion, body. 27. What’s one thing you’d love to learn more about?
• psychology. 28. What is something you’ve never done that you’ve always wanted to do?
• take my kids to the beach. 🌊☀️🏊🏼‍♀️🚣🏽‍♀️ I've been before, a handful of times in my childhood & teenager years, but not since I was 17 with my mother, my ex (their dad), & a few other people. I would be so incredibly happy to take my babies to the beach, lie out in the sand & tan while we build sand castles & then take off running to the water to swim 💙🙌🖤 Another thing I'd love to do is go on a cruise. I want to travel the world someday, also. I want to rock climb. Attempt to surf or ski. 🏄🏼‍♀️⛸⛷ Even like to try to ride a horse. 🏇🏼 I want to take self-defense classes 🥋🥊🤼‍♀️ that'll protect me & my kids once my ex does get released. I ALWAYS wanted to learn how to play the piano or keyboard 🎹 I wanted to learn to ACTUALLY dance, take dance lessons & also I'm OBSESSED with gymnastics. But since I'm in my twenties, I'll settle for asking my babygirl to join gymnastics 🤸🏽‍♀️ & just maybe, she'll become an Olympian 🥇🎖🏅 hehe. I played softball for 7 years. I hope so much that my kiddos are athletic 😄😅 29. Why haven’t you done it yet?
• because that's A LOT of stuff, & I don't have the 💵💰💸 for all that. Kids are expensive lil creatures, ya know. 🤑 but so worth it. 🙌💕 30. If money didn’t matter, what would your dream job be?
• I definitely would love to go into Photography. 🖤📸🎥📱 honestly, I want to be a Psychologist & earn my PhD, but that's so many years in school. With two kids, that's going to be fairly difficult when my main focus & top priority is them. I dunno. I have even considered nursing because it's only 2 years in school, fair pair, good insurance, & different hours. 31. If you had off from work today, what would you do?
• I don't have a job currently. Just a stay-at-home mama. It's 7:35am. I've done nothing but stay up all night, lying on the couch, playing on my phone or tablet. 😂🤷🏼‍♀️ I'll regret it later 🤦🏼‍♀️😅 32. What was the last thing that made you cry?
• some dude. Talking about how I need to get over what Luis did to me because it's "in the past" && how I'm not a perfect mother basically. Here's this: Eff You 🤔🖕 33. What was the last thing that made you laugh?
• my son. 💙 his smile & laughter are contagious 👶🏽 34. What is your favorite memory?
• the first time I held each of my child, most definitely. 💓 also, the first time I ever breastfed them, kissed them, & pretty much all of the good memories with them. 😍😭 35. What’s the last thing that REALLY embarrassed you?
• I'm VERY easily embarrassed, like it's terrible. So, there's no telling. Everything literally bothers or embarrasses me. #anxietyproblems 36. What is your biggest fear?
• losing my children. death. my ex. 37. Do you have any regrets? What’s your biggest one?
• yes, I have 2 very big ones. The first regret I have is taking Luis back AFTER I left him for around 2.5 months. I was newly pregnant with Leonardo, like maybe 3 months pregnant but had only just found out a few weeks before. He attacked me, and I called my dad. Left him & only took Miranda to see him during daytime in broad daylight, never was alone with him for too long, & did not spend the night. The second regret I have is letting him come in my window the morning he intended on killing me.. 38. Have you ever broken a law? If you haven’t what is one law you’d love to break?
• of course I have. I've been arrested before 🤦🏼‍♀️🙅🏼 All to protect my piece of shit ex because HE ditched my car while drunk. It taught me a valuable lesson, though. I didn't drink after that & still don't. He, on the other hand, didn't learn anything. I ended up with obstruction of justice charges & underaged possession 🙎🏼 I had 100 hours of fucking community service!!! Had to even take an AA class & driving class EVEN after they found out I wasn't driving. Oh, & the magistrate wanted to lock me up for 10 days to "teach" me a lesson about lying to authority 😭 39. What is the craziest thing you’ve ever done? * stay with my ex. 40. Would you have a conversation with a stranger?
• sure would. would give me anxiety, but some people need their day brightened. 41. Would you tell a stranger they have toilet paper hanging from their shoe? Or their dress tucked into their underwear? (Or anything else that is embarrassing to be seen in public)? * yup sure would. 42. What’s your favorite joke? * I'm not sure . 43. Are you a dog person or a cat person?
• can I be both & neither 😂 I love animals, but all of my babies have passed away. I used to have a ferret, who passed in December. She was my girl 🌝🌚 miss my Loca Luna. 🐾 44. If you could be any animal, what animal would you be?
• a cat 🐱 45. What’s one show, movie, or book, you’re embarrassed to admit you enjoy?
• Jerry Springer & Maury 🙈🙊 46. How do you think your parents would describe you as a child?
• like Angelica from the Rugrats 👧🏼 47. If you could go back to any age or time of your life, what age or time would it be?
• when I was like 18 & pregnant. Everything was so new & exciting. I loved my ex with all of my heart, too. So blind. 48. What’s something you believe in that not everyone else does?
• that women have the right to their own bodies. & that borders are imaginary lines that were only created after this country was stolen from the indigenous people.. 49. What’s one thing you would say that makes you unique from other people?
• I'm a single mommy who's been through hell & back but am surviving && thriving 💋 50. What is one thing you feel your life is missing?
• a vehicle ..

#survey

[pitz182]

5 Lessons from 5 Years of Sobriety

I’m entering my fifth year of sobriety this April. Finding and maintaining sobriety has been no small task and I’ve learned a lot about myself over this time. I’ve changed from who I was as a drunk and as a newly sober person to who I am now. There have been high points, low points, and everything in between.I’ve had many opportunities to share my experience with others: I’ve spoken at conferences, written articles for The Fix and many other online publications, been interviewed by WIRED, and been a guest on numerous podcasts and radio programs. I’ve felt scared and vulnerable sharing my stories and experiences, but on each of these occasions I’ve been rewarded with community support and increased accountability. Inevitably someone reaches out to thank me, in person or virtually. I believe this human bond we create through sharing is critical for all who struggle with addiction. In this post, I am commemorating my fifth sober anniversary with a reflection on five lessons I’ve learned. Holy shit! Did you read that? I’ve been sober for five years. I didn’t know I could make it five days, let alone one year. I would have laughed if someone told me I’d make it five years. Wasn’t I just pulling a typical Victor and waiting for the fallout from one of my drunken rampages to calm down? Turns out I am able to stick with something.I’ve spent most of the last five years examining myself and reflecting on life. One thing is clear, I am full of contradictory thoughts and actions. We all are. As famed American poet (and proponent of being naked in nature) Walt Whitman wrote in Song of Myself:Do I contradict myself?Very well then I contradict myself,(I am large, I contain multitudes.)You will see my contradictions here and elsewhere. Let’s jump in to the lessons.1. Recovery Does Not Equal RecoveredI still have cravings for alcohol. I still need to remove myself from situations that make me feel out of control. My life is not perfect and I’m not all better. I have the same shit, the same trials and temptations to deal with, but now I address them as a sober person. I don’t believe in full recovery – not for myself. I’ll define recovered as either a complete lack of interest in drinking or the ability to drink in moderation with no chance of falling back into abuse.I’m aware some people identify as recovered and no longer have issues. I don’t dispute their recovery but I have enough self-awareness to know this has yet to occur for me. My thoughts when I crave alcohol are to feel drunk, to overconsume, to try one more time for the elusive buzz I spent over 10 years unsuccessfully chasing. To stay successful in recovery, I need an in recovery--not recovered--mindset.2. Sobriety Is What You Make of ItSobriety without additional work has a limited impact on your life. It might be a huge impact, but the ceiling extends drastically upward when you combine it with additional work on yourself. Alcohol abuse wasn’t the only issue I had and being sober allows me to begin addressing these underlying issues. I’ve needed to continue working on myself beyond sobriety. I have areas of deficiency I’ll need to work on for years, if not forever. For the sake of brevity, I’ll refrain from listing these.Sobriety (from alcohol) at its most basic level is a period of time spent not drinking. I understand why many people commit to the day at a time mindset. You need to have small, achievable time frames to get through cravings, days which you spend refocusing, creating healthier habits, rebuilding or building a new life, and building your support system. Simply staying sober will heal your body. Staying sober while learning and growing will heal your mind as well.I haven’t always been successful at doing more than staying sober. In fact, I’ve recently gone through a year or so of backsliding when it comes to handling my anxiety and mental health and building social support, which has resulted in some drastic negative changes in some of my closest relationships. However, I have stayed sober and this has allowed me to correct my course. I’ve become proactive in using techniques to manage anxiety and I’ve pushed myself to develop new and deeper relationships with positive people who support me. I’m seeking new opportunities to grow in the right direction.3. Sobriety Is My SoulmateSound dramatic? How about, sobriety is my rock? Sobriety is my better half? Sobriety is the one thing that has been there for me every single day for five years. Sometimes I didn’t want it around and sometimes I’ve had to fight to keep it. I’ve gained and lost a number of things over the past five years but sobriety is the one consistent positive presence in my life. I get to choose every day whether I want to keep my sobriety or not. Choosing yes for another day deepens my commitment and strengthens the neural pathways that help me resist temptation.When I reflect on this choice I’ve made every day for five years, I realize sobriety is a limitless resource, readily available for anyone who needs it. I won’t run out of sobriety one day if someone else becomes sober. I won’t run out of sobriety if 500,000 people become sober. Sobriety can be everyone’s soulmate simultaneously.Sobriety won’t leave me if I slip up. These five years are made up of a string of days where I’ve made the same choice. If I had chosen to drink on any of these days, sobriety wouldn’t be any less available to me; I could have come back the following day. In that sense, five years is meaningless. Regardless of what stage you’re at, or even if you’re just thinking about it – sobriety will be there when you’re ready for it. Sobriety won’t judge you. Sobriety doesn’t care if you had a drink yesterday, or if you’ll have another drink in a week.4. Drunk Conversations Are Toxic to EveryoneI remember being the drunk who shared my philosophy of the world with anyone who’d listen. I was so smart, my insight incomparable, my language spot on. If only I could hold on to that level of confidence when I’d sober up the next day, I’d show everyone how great I was. Yet I could never muster the words or confidence when I wasn’t drunk. In sobriety, I see drunk conversations as absurd, pathetic, or sad at best. Few sober people would say the words that so comfortably spill out of the mouths of drunks.I still frequent bars and venues where alcohol is a focus and I still encounter plenty of drunk conversations. They fall into three categories:Drunk with plans to conquer the world. You have the ultimate plan and you know how to execute it. If only the rest of us were as excited as you are about it. You’re going to pass out before you can start making progress.Drunk with plans to conquer their date. This is disgusting. You are seducing your date with slurred words and poorly veiled references to sex. They are looking around to assess their exit strategy. Hopefully you don’t throw up on them.Drunks who are sad, whiny, or complaining about life. Bartenders find themselves having to support these conversations unless it’s a group of drunks and then it becomes a contest over who is the most aggrieved. Sometimes these folks end the night with fighting or violence. Regardless of how tough you talk or how many people you fight, drunk shit-talking still boils down to being a sad, whiny loser.I’ve written these three conversations out using a judgmental tone. And while I am judging, I am also aware that I’ve been an active contributor to each type of drunk conversation on dozens of occasions. I’ve done my part to give others uncomfortable experiences. I apologize for that and hope some of my work in sobriety has atoned for some of what I’ve done.5. Being Vulnerable Without Alcohol is More Authentic and More RewardingI had what I refer to as diarrhea mouth when I would get drunk. I couldn’t stop talking. Alcohol was a truth serum for me: I could get drunk and tell you exactly what I was thinking and feeling. I could express elation, I could express sorrow. I could tell you I hate your fucking guts. The words came easy (see my previous lesson!). Speaking the truth while being vulnerable without alcohol is more difficult, but it’s also more authentic.I now pause before I share my thoughts and feelings. I have coherent thoughts during this pause where I calculate whether what I’m saying might be harmful to others. I also consider if what I’m saying leaves me exposed to criticism or hurt. This pause didn’t exist when I was drunk. I’m also fighting my natural tendency to withdraw from being social during the pause. Sober Victor is someone who is less comfortable sharing what is happening inside of him. I still end up saying hurtful things or oversharing in ways that might make others feel uncomfortable, but I am aware of and accept the consequences.My vulnerability extends beyond what I say. Writing exposes me to criticism in the form of online comments or posts in other forums. Opening myself up to written criticism from others is a reversal of how I used writing as a drunk. I used my writing to hurt people: mean texts, drunken Facebook posts, belligerent emails, and even hand-written letters were a hallmark of my absurd drunken behavior. Again, I hope the words I write now to share what I’ve learned provide some atonement for the words I’ve written to hurt people.Here is a sixth bonus lesson. I plan to write more about this in the near future. My reflection on my history of alcohol use has led me to conclude:6. I’ve Abused Alcohol Since My First EncounterI didn’t progressively become an alcohol abuser. Yes, my abuse became worse, but I abused from the beginning. I’m fairly certain I’ve never had a single healthy experience using alcohol. If you can relate to this, consider stopping your drinking until you can figure out if you do have an issue.Five years have passed in the blink of an eye. I had no concept of what five years would be like when I first stopped drinking and I’m not sure I fully understand or appreciate the magnitude of this accomplishment. I’m not sure I’d have been healthy or alive to write this if I hadn’t found sobriety.What do I see for the next five years? I’m committed to staying sober and I’ll need to make some adjustments to accomplish this. I have recommitted to seeking support in the form of healthy relationships with other sober people, attending support groups, journaling, and practicing mindfulness. My sobriety is not on cruise control. I also intend to stay an active contributor to The Fix and other relevant publications; I find it helps me stay accountable.Thank you for reading this post. Thank you for being part of my journey. Please share this with anyone who might find it useful.