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system-comforts · 10 months

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hi im questioning plurality and scared to ask systems i know irl about experiences and help so im asking for help here (im sorry if ive already sent an ask to this blog bc i /gen dont remember if i did)

okay i think im going to split this up into two sections, one for reasons I think I may be and symptoms, another for reasons why i think I may not.

Reasons I think I may be plural:

I frequently experience bouts of dissociating or just feel generally fuzzy and after i can feel a range of symptoms including: Feeling a new energy with me, confusion on where i am, confusion on who i am, feeling an off feeling, thinking something is wrong with my body or room and more.

I frequently feel multiple energys w/ me w/ different emotions, ages, and general vibes.

I constantly switch between feeling very strongly w/ one belif or gender to the point where it feels like i have always felt like this then not long after sometimes feeling the complete opposite.

I very often feel not incontrol and almost like someone else is in control of the body.

I occasionally say things aloud that i dont think I actually said and it feels like someone else did.

I occasionally think things that i dont think I actually thought and it was like someone else did.

I have occasional laspses in memory.

Reasons I think I'm not plural:

I have 3 irl plural friends so statistically its very unlikely that I am plural too.

I retain almost all memory from when I feel like I am different people.

I feel like I am always there no matter what.

The different energies I feel tend to be very similar to my own and I cant really distinguish between them for the most part.

I feel like I may just be experiencing symptoms of something else and confusing them for plurality.

I feel like I am forcing myself to experience symptoms of plurality.

I don't think the truama i have could have been bad enough for me to be plural (im sorry if there are plural ppl who dont have truama i js dont know much on that topic specifically)

Other things to note:

I have ADHD and Autism (un-medicated)

I have BPD or Bipolar disorder (me and my therapist are still discussing which we think it may be)

I hope someone sees this and could please help me figure out if maybe another disorder is making me experience these things or if those symptoms listed are genuinely symptoms of plurality because I cannot figure out if what I am experiencing is normal or not

also im vvvv sorry if this is a blog that connot help w/ this kind of thing /gen

Hello there. I can tell by the way your organized this ask you've thought a lot about this question! I'll try to answer most of your points and hope my input helps as you continue to evaluate this question.

Your first few points regarding amnesia for where you are, identity confusion regarding your gender, and depersonalization with your body, based on what you've said here, points towards fairly high dissociation. At the very least, looking into dissociative disorders in general might be a good idea for you (and your therapist) to explore. This is especially true if these symptoms cause a lot of distress and hardship in your life.

You also talk about not feeling in control of your body, your actions, and your thoughts. The way you describe these feelings is similar to how we and many other systems might describe it. However, it can also be good to also ask if the "someone else" who did and said these things was you in a heightened emotion or at a different time, or if it was a distinctly different person. Even singlets have a variety of emotions based on different situations. Consider how consistent these actions are, is there a pattern? Does x person mostly tend to react y way to z situation? We've found it helpful to establish patterns when trying to figure out if there's a headmate involved.

Regarding your reasons you may not be plural, there's a few things I want to note. Regarding your plural friends, I wouldn't say it's "statistically unlikely" that you're plural. To truly consider the statistics, you would want to look at total populations, like of a region or country, not just in a friend group. For example, some friend groups will have no one plural, but that doesn't mean plural people don't exist. Friends come together for a variety of reasons, largely for similarities in life experiences and identities. It's possible you've found friends similar to you in some regards, and this might include plurality.

Your next three points about retaining most of your memories, feeling always present, and how these "energies" feel similar to your own also do not entirely rule out plurality. These descriptions could be from a median system, which, on the sliding spectrum of plurality, is a sort of is not quite singlet but not quite as distinct as plural systems and their headmates. It might be helpful to look into median systems as well as possibly fragments as you continue to question if you're plural.

On your final point, I do want to point out that not every system experienced trauma. Some experienced trauma but it didn't cause their plurality, and some, even if they experienced trauma, may not feel it was "enough" to cause plurality. What you say about your trauma is what many other plural people say. Try to put that question aside as you question your plurality, or at least don't dig in too deeply.

Now for your notes. The high number of plural autistics has been frequently discussed in the plural community. Not every autistic is plural of course, nor is every plural, but it makes sense that those with different brains and neuro types would also show and develop other differences like plurality. Regarding your BPD or bipolar disorder, there are also systems with these disorders. So it's not really about being plural or having one of these- both can occur. What's important to consider is how the symptoms align with each disorder. Can your amnesia, dissociation, and these different "energies" be explained by BPD or bipolar disorder? Or is there something else going on in addition to that? I think that question might be helpful as your continue those discussions with your therapist.

I hope this has been helpful to you, and we wish you the best as you continue asking if you're plural!

-mod neptune

#mod neptune #ask #am I plural #questioning #plural #bpd #tw invalidation

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oikawasass · 4 years

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IM A BAKUHOE CAN U PLS DO 74 OR 76 WITH BLASTY ASS 🥺🥺🥺 - midoriya anon

hi I did both cause they were cute.

also new posting format baby lets goooo 😎

its also like almost 3am and this is half-ass edited so forgive me but I hope its alright

prompt 74 : “You’ve shown me what love can feel like.”

prompt 76 : “I wouldn’t change a thing about you.”

reassurance.

‣ pairing : bakugo x fem reader.

‣ oneshot.

‣ synopsis : bakugo finally confronts his girlfriend on why she’s been so distant.

‣ wordcount : 2.1k

‣ warnings : swearing, angst if you squint.

a series of heavy knocks could be heard on the other side of her door, immediately alerting her of who exactly it was. there was only one boy in the u.a dorms who could knock like he was about to punch straight through the wooden panel, and that was, of course, bakugo katsuki.

(name) shut off her phone and pulled her pillow over her head, dreading the conversation she knew would come about if she let him inside. so naturally, she ignored the knocks in hopes that the blonde who was about to start throwing down with her door would go away.

but we all know katsuki is far too stubborn for that.

another series of much louder knocks erupted from the doorway, as bakugo grew more and more impatient from the lack of response.

“oi, open up already dumbass, I know you’re in there.”

truth is, (name) had found herself in a bit of a rut, and had been feeling rather insecure for the past few weeks. the first little while she’d been begun feeling that way, she was able to bite the bullet and keep going about her life, pushing most of her negative thoughts aside as best she could. but now, for the past 5 or so days she’s been completely cut off.

talking to her boyfriend about things wasn’t hard for her. she trusted him and didn’t find it too difficult to open up when something was bothering her, but this was different.

insecurity was something bakugo typically didn’t acknowledge and quite frankly, looked down on most of the time. (name) didn’t wanna find herself bothering him with something she knew he most likely would think is annoying, hence the multiple weeks she had kept quiet about it, hoping it would go away on its own or she’d be able to figure it out herself.

unfortunately for her, things didn’t go quite according to plan when she continued to spiral downwards.

she’d been quiet in her classes, noticeably dodging bakugo and her friends, not sticking around for lunch or after training like she normally would, and everyone noticed she was off. everyone including katsuki.

he wanted to give her space to ‘sort her shit out’ before he began pestering and questioning her, as normally he’d want the same thing, but now it was coming up on a week and they’d hardly spoken. a few mutters of (name) saying “cant, homework.” or “sorry, I’m tired.” was all that had been said that week.

so naturally, bakugo got tired of all the silence and went to do what he did best. confront her. he wanted to know what the hell was going on, he was tired of pulling his hair out trying to figure out what he did wrong.

(name) didn’t answer the door once more. she knew she had fucked up pretty bad by ignoring him, but she didn’t know what else to do. and now she had to confront whatever problem she may have caused, which only made her want to curl up and hide more.

alas, when she heard a much softer, much quieter,

“please?”

coming from the hallway, she broke.

standing up with a heavy sigh, the (colour) haired girl stood up from her bed, rubbing her eyes and walking over to unlock the door, immediately going and flopping down into her mattress afterwards.

katsuki walked inside, shutting the door behind him and shoving his hands into the pockets of his black sweats. scanning over her figure, he took note of her tired eye bags, messy thrown up hair, and these fuzzy black penguin patterned pyjama pants which he knew she only wore when she was upset. paired with one of his hoodies she had stolen, of course.

“you look like shit.” bakugo grumbled, going and sitting down on the end of her bed, sinking into the soft (colour) duvet on top.

“good to see you too, babe.” (name) replied sarcastically, turning and shoving her face into a pile of her pillows.

there was an uncomfortable silence hanging over the room for a moment as katsuki figured out what he wanted to say, and it was obvious that (name) wasn’t gonna say anything first. with a heavy sigh, the blonde ran a hand through his thick, spiky hair and spoke up.

“did I- did I do something or whatever the fuck?” he asked, his words a bit harsh but his much quieter tone helping to deliver them much easier.

(name) bit the inside of her cheek gently, keeping her face hidden in the pile of sheets and freshly washed pillows.

“what makes you think that?” her response was mumbled by the fabric practically eating her face.

“don’t play dumb, shithead. you’ve been dodging me all week. you’re normally all- all clingy and shit and you never cancel plans.”

clingy. that one stung a bit.

“so if I did something to piss you off just- just fucking tell me already cause I’m getting really damn tired of-“

“you didn’t do anything, alright? chill out.” (name) cut him off, rolling onto her back so now the couple was making eye contact once more.

bakugo tsked, throwing his hands in the air a bit and letting them fall onto his lap.

“so then why the hell have you been blowing me off all week, huh?”

(name) sighed heavily, rubbing her eyes and sliding her hands down her face as she struggled with how exactly to articulate that she’d been feeling incredibly insecure and didn’t wanna be a nuisance to him without sounding like an absolute moron.

“I just- I’ve just been feeling shitty lately and I didn’t wanna bug you with it while I sort things out, okay?” she explained vaguely, nervously fidgeting with her fingers while she avoided his gaze.

when she mentioned she hadn’t been feeling well, bakugo softened up a little bit. he knew sometimes she got like this, having periods of time where she just wasn’t herself, but normally she came to him herself and told him what was up. so he couldn’t quite understand why this time was different.

bakugo sighed and stood up to go lay beside her, propping himself up on his elbow while resting his cheek in the palm of his hand.

“well why did you just say that in the first place, dumbass?”

he wasn’t a great advice giver, and he wasn’t great at comforting, but when it came to things like this he was a pretty good listener, so he always offered up his ears when (name) was feeling down.

“what’s got you down, huh? talk to me already.”

the girl beside him continued to fidget and play with her fingers, debating on whether she actually wanted to explain to him her feelings, or just shrug him off and do her best to convince the blonde it was something else.

she was ping-ponging back and forth. lie and most likely not get away with it but still not sound stupid, or tell the truth and have your boyfriend think you’re an idiot. a wide variety of lovely choices she had to choose from.

yet, in the end, she decided it would be best to be honest with him. oftentimes, nothing good came out of lying in these types of scenarios, and she surely didn’t want to fuck up more than she already might have. sure, katsuki wasn’t mad for the time being, but that boy’s temper can switch on and off like a light sometimes. so she still approached the situation cautiously.

“I feel just- annoying and like I’m a bother to you with this shit all the time so I didn’t wanna throw all my problems or whatever into you again, alright?

you’re practically this idol student who’s so damn cocky and confident in himself, so when….”

she sighed, trying to find the words once more.

“when I start feeling gross and insecure, or when I’m starting to completely flop in some of my classes, I just- i feel like I just become this huge weight on your back and..” she swallowed, slowing herself down as she felt herself begin to rant.

“…and it’s embarrassing! you shouldn’t have to deal with me feeling like an idiot, you have enough on your plate as it is and- and I should be able to deal with this kind of shit on my own, not immediately run to you whenever I feel-”

(name’s) midoriya-muttering speed ranting was cut off when a familiar pair of plush lips were pressed up against her own, immediately shoving all her worries into the back of her mind. she hadn’t realized how much she missed something as simple as a kiss from her boyfriend in the week she’d been distancing herself from him.

after a moment or so, when bakugo was sure she would be shut up enough for him to speak, he pulled away.

rolling onto his back, bakugo waved her over to him, using his other hand to prop up his head from behind.

“come here, just be quiet and listen for a sec will ya?”

(name) was not hesitant to cuddle right up into his side, tangling her legs in with his and resting her head atop his toned chest. after wrapping an arm tightly around her shoulders, rubbing her back slowly, the boy began to speak.

“it��s my job to be here for you, okay idiot? as sappy as it sounds, when you’re upset, I’m upset too. I don’t like seeing you down, it makes me feel like a shitty boyfriend for not bein’ able to help.” he leaned down to kiss the top of her head.

“you shouldn’t be embarrassed to tell me shit, doesn’t matter how stupid you think it is.

nobody’s perfect, alright? get that through your head.” bakugo said, flicking her forehead gently. (name) chuckled quietly.

“even you?”

“only sometimes, but that doesn’t leave this room.” bakugo answered, smirking to himself.

“listen, I know you’re a badass, and you can get through shit on your own. you’re strong as hell.

but that doesn’t mean you can’t take it. speaking from experience, sometimes it’s better to just bite your tongue and accept the help from people that care about you.”

(name) listened to every word that he said very carefully, letting them sink in as she processed them. it was rare that bakugo got like this, but when he did, it was rather impressive how easy he was able to make her feel better. his advice sucked half the time, sure, considering “blasting the fuckers to hell” isn’t always an option, but this kind of advice was something she’d keep with her always.

“you’re damn special, you know that? you’ve done somethin’ even better than getting a decent grade on your stupid chemistry test.”

bakugo stated, leaning his head back so his gaze was fixated on the ceiling, closing his eyes with a sigh. (name) furrowed her eyebrows together slightly, tilting her head up to look at her boyfriend.

“wait, but what did I do exactly?” she asked, curiosity lacing her tone. bakugo placed a hand on top of her head, ruffling her hair a bit.

“you’ve shown me what love can feel like. somethin’ I thought i’d never know or go through. so to do that, you’ve gotta be pretty fuckin’ incredible.”

(name) smiled up at him and leaned up a bit more to kiss his jaw, returning to her comfy spot on his chest right after.

“I’m sorry that I get like this. I’ll work on it, ‘kay?” (name) said quietly, still feeling a bit bad that bakugo had to go and tell her all this, though she can’t deny that it made her extremely happy to hear.

“shut up with that already, will you? you know I wouldn’t change a damn thing about you.”

and that was enough to reassure (name) almost completely, that her negative feelings and emotions weren’t as bad as she had been painting them out to be.

with a soft smile, and a slow close of her eyes, (name) nuzzled closer up into bakugo, her cheek squished up against his chest.

“I love you, you big softie.”

“yeah yeah, whatever. I love you too.”

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wittynameme · 3 years

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I read this ranboo headcannon that when hes overstimulated he likes to hold things because his enderman instincts kick in, i don’t remember who posted it but if you read this HI i drew you this! sorry its fuzzy my cams busted.

the tiny wrighting in the corner is some of my headcannons/ consepts i just found interesting.

ran and boo are officially not cannon ranboo said so because he doesn't want to misrepresent DID

i saw a very interesting head cannon that, following the logic that we cant sleep in the nether or end , than the same goes for mobs that spawn there in the nether/end not being able to sleep in the over world,so ranboo never gets tired (and thus cant see phantoms). but the moment he goes to the nether , all the time he spent without sleep catches up all at once and he passes out. same with other mob-baced characters. im not sure if ill use it but i thiink the idea is funny

he sneezes purple particles

(a personal one) he has medical conditions specific to endermen and his highly specific body . because of this hes still a bit of a medical mystery and getting the medical help he needs is very hard

(another personal one) my theory is that when ranboo said he has no backbone , he was of corse talking metaphorically but i think its cannon that it may be literal too, when he dies to an alpaca early in the story he drops body parts, nowhere in there did he drop bones! HE HAS NO BONES!

he also has to different types of blood, dont know how,why,where,when but he does, this is just cannon but still.

endermen are brainwashed mindless servants of the ender dragon, whatever they spit out is gibberish or word salad , simple phrases they hive knoking around in the hive mind for some reason, perhaps remnants of there old selves. every now and again they say something as an impulse whenever stimulated and something awakens in them, just for a flash. raboo has connections to the hive (why he has bad memory) but because of his distance from the end and his other half he isn't completely controlled, but in moments of panic he may shout a random phrase in garbled English like an enderman.

I don’t think water/eye contact is AS bad as .. i don’t know. theres more than one scene where hes in the water or rain and doesn't mention it, he talks to people and doesn't seem too uncomfortable. i feel like its a really good example (weather he intended it or not) of what i like to call “backround humm’ anxiety. usually people with anxiety disorders learn to internalize and minimize anxiety , it become a subconscious hum , we don’t usually notice it but if we pay attention too it some people can sometimes physically feel a sharp pain or fuzz in the skull, maybe we dont notice it but thats why its dangerous, because it predisposes us to a panic attack, we just need something to push us over the edge. mebay our friends will notice a quiver in the voice or fog brain , matched with hot face.

because of previous head cannon i think that if you listen very closly and your in a quiet room, you can hear a hum or buz or ringing (kinda like the endeman sounds actually) when hes stressed, and hes so good at repressing his ish that he does’t notice (i really dont think this ones cannon, ranboo expressly said that he doesn't want to misdirect disorders, but coming from someone with severe anxiety disorder , i relate to endermen WAY TOO much with the eye contact and hissing sounds and what i like to see as“stimms”)

he can not teleport, but he may figure out how to later (probably not tho).

ranboo is a MINOR

#dream smp #ranboo #headcannons #art #my work

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deniigi · 5 years

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Hello! Just about to sit down and read your newest fic, so excited about it! I had a question for you (you very well may have answered this already, so sorry in advance!), but do you have advice for writing? Advice in terms of getting start, plotting out stories, helping get the creative juices flowing? I have all these ideas but seem to lack the drive to get things written out. I know the best advice is to just write, but I'm having a horrible time starting. What do you do in those moments?

Hello my dear!

Sorry for taking so long to get back to you. The lord has blessed me with a head cold and ruined all my plans of productivity for the day, so I can finally answer this ask! I’ll talk a little bit about both how to get started with a story and then some little things that help me motivate myself.

I have started a tag for writing advice here: http://deniigi.tumblr.com/tagged/writing-advice

This is going to be a long post, sorry mobile users.

I am going to preface all of this with the understanding that I am technically a professional writer in terms of like, a handful of ways, but I have absolutely zero training in creative writing, so take everything I say with a grain of salt!

So, I personally find that, on the whole, that psychological hurdle of getting started comes a lot from the anticipation of the kind of response a story will get (how many hits, how many comments, how many kudos) in addition to a bit of anxiety or fear over theloss of sustained interest in that story (by yourself and/or by your audience). I find that this can be alleviated by really, truly internalizing the understanding that you are allowed to write your work however you damn please, for whoever you damn please.

There will be work you write for others, and there will be work you write for yourself. Not all work needs to be published; sometimes, it is really nice to just write shit for yourself; it is a plus for humanity if you decide to share it with others, but you do not have to do that.

Furthermore, I would like to present you with this:

This is what my current folder for under fire looks like. And you might notice that there are almost always multiple drafts per chapter. Yes, I did in fact rewrite chapter four 5 fucking times, you bet your ass I did. And I’m not ashamed of it. I think the story is better for it. And that’s the important thing here: you do not need to produce a perfect draft the first time around. You will not produce that perfect draft. Accept this. Embrace this. Embrace it and your cat at the same time to really ingrain it as a warm, fuzzy feeling.

Liberate yourself from the pressure of needing to produce the perfect, most right draft and you may find starting the piece overall to be a much easier, more pleasant experience.

And along with this beautiful, uplifting spiritual advice, I also bring a practical thought: when it comes to getting started, a lot of times, people feel like they need to set the stage, yadda yadda yadda. Ha. No. Fuck that.

That’s a surefire way to bore the shit out of yourself. Start right in the middle of a scene that captivates you if that’s what you want to write. It’s a free platform. No one’s gonna arrest you if you stick Spiderman upside down in trash first thing. They might even applaud you actually, because you didn’t make them slog through some of that ‘It was the evening of the 25th and it was cold out in the streets” bullshit we all learned from Dickens.

Alright. Now let’s talk about actually getting started making words appear on paper.

So, from my knowledge there are generally two ways that folks write creatively. You have what I’m going to call the planners and then you what I’m going to call the monsters (I call them this entirely affectionately, I’m sure there’s a better word for these folks, but I don’t have it atm, all I have is a headcold). Planners are folks who sit down and work out their major plot points, who write outlines, and who create the scaffolding of their work before they set out on their magical journey. I think of these folks as architects.

And then you have the monsters and these are those fuckers who just sit down and write stream of consciously like the heathens all our high school teachers tried to teach us not to be.

I am both a planner and a monster. And a lot of that depends on the length of work I’m going for. I have never in my life planned a one-shot, for example. I just attack that as it is. I follow my heart, if you will. But when it comes to longer chaptered fics, I really do think that some outlining is super helpful.

You might find it useful for one-shots, though, I dunno. Maybe give it a try and see what happens?

The two main fics I’ve done proper outlines for are Inimitable and under fire and I actually find outlining to be immensely helpful in psyching me up to write the story (I go through and re-read my outlines when I start to lose interest or diverge too much from the plot outlined there in the actual writing. 9 times out of 10, re-reading gets me stupid excited to write all over again) and it also helps me keep momentum going throughout the plot.

Here’s a pic of some pages of under fire’s outline.

Physically writing the work is really important for me because it forces me to only put down key points/feelings/ideas I want to include, whereas typing gives me far too much room to get lost/distracted by extraneous detail. And since my handwriting is a teacher’s worst nightmare and I cross out shit and write huge with emotion, I’ll give you a little bit of what the middle page here says:

Miles-

there’s something thrumming

vibrating in his ears wherever he goes

-closes his eyes and somehow enters blackness- emptyness (Stranger Things style)

beat

“help.”

–BACK - everything is gone

closing his eyes doesn’t bring the space back

–it makes him panic. He doesn’t know why. His heart is pounding. He’s sweating He has a horrible feeling of doom.

beat

its gone.

he goes home anxiously. Pretends everything is normal.

his neck crawls

So basically it’s less of a formal outline and more of a collection of stream of consciousness feelings and screenplay directions which I’ll flesh out in the actual story.

Personally, I love writing these kinds of things because they get me pumped for the story I’m about to tell. I get to write out the key scenes and work through all the hard parts first, and then, while I’m writing, I work through the little fun details and banter and I have to write to figure out how we get from one scene to the next and I love the challenge of having to fit those pieces together. I very rarely stick strictly to my outline, (as anyone who is currently reading under fire can tell you right now), but I do try to stick to the main plot points in it and my writing is certainly better for it.

So yes. Outlining is very good, but it is even better when you do it to some kind of music. I listened to What’s Up Danger from the Into the Spiderverse soundtrack on repeat while I wrote this outline to kind of transfer some of the relentless pace conveyed in that song to the piece’s plot.

I highly recommend using music to set the mood of your piece while/before you write a piece of any length. It helps get you in the right headspace (excited or somber or angry) to write. You need emotion to write creatively. You can’t just make that happen sometimes; you need a little help.

A couple other things which might help:

1. Leave your house or the space you’re normally in. Go to a cafe and find a nice corner and have a think and a try in there. Sometimes moving to a different space helps you escape cyclical thinking patterns.

2. Write what you want to read. Don’t bother writing for other peoples’ interests; that’ll just bore the shit out of you all over again.

3. Find an atmospheric mood sound to listen to on Youtube or smth (I personally like Rain on a Car Windshield for slightly somber fics, but you might be into ocean storms or dripping caves or whatever).

4. Heat your feet. I don’t know why but I am entirely unproductive when my feet are cold. Maybe this one is me-specific, but whatevs. Heat the feets!

5. If you’re still having trouble just sitting down and pounding the story out, that’s okay! Maybe it’s not ready to be written yet. Maybe you’re not in the right headspace yet. Sometimes that’s just how it is. One story makes its way out in like, a hour, and the next one takes like, months to finally be written. We all work at different paces. We all write for different reasons.

It might help to figure out why you want to write a story before you write it. Like, if its for attention, it’s gonna be hard as hell. But if there’s an idea that you feel like is important or if there’s a mood you’re trying to work yourself into or out of, then that might be a little easier. For example, I wrote a piece called make it work which is about Fogs finding his motivation to be a lawyer and fight for justice when Kavanaugh was confirmed and I felt super helpless in the face of our present justice system. That story kind of wrote itself and it needed to be written, I feel, not just for me, but for others who were feeling just as helpless.

Writing is catharsis in that way. Maybe you just need to find out what you need to wring out of your soul.

Sorry that got very metaphysical. But I do want to stress that getting started and ending a story are the hardest parts of writing them, so you are definitely not alone if you feel like you’re ramming your head into a wall here.

I hope something here helps you, my dear!

#fic #writing advice #fanfiction #managingmischiefsince1988

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weeniewrites · 3 years

Text

OKAY ONE LAST POST BECAUSE IM ABSOLUTELY TERRIBLE AT NOT TALKING

its a more serious one though, so if you dont wanna see me be more personal go ahead and skip i dont mind. im gonna ramble abt the shame i feel with having sadistic thoughts and fears of sexual agency, and kinda, sex in general, maybe some self destructive behaviors? kinda honestly putting my soul out there. its a bit of a vent post. im not having a bad night or anything, just thinking a lot, and want to get those thoughts out of my head

i, really outta do some research on actual sadism or just, see other people who have similar thoughts cause ill admit i feel a lot of guilt about it. like id never, ever, EVER want to hurt another person, and the idea of even spanking someone consensually is very scary to me

but this isnt a new thing for me, some of the first things i found arousing as a kid involved pain. i was fascinated by inuyashas blood covered hands, and rewatched part of a youtube letsplay over and over and over again just to hear the noise link made when he got injured again. same with part of that animated 2ne1 music video where the villain grimaces when his car gets hit. these are really vivid memories for me so like, i know this isnt some suddenly new thing for me. (im also repulsed by gore but can also find it beautiful in art, and writing violent stuff is therapeutic for me but can be REALLY triggering if im reading it)

and i dont know if that sorta, anti kink purity culture thing the internets been moving towards has contributed? to that shame i feel, or if thats just my empathy acting up. because i really do care strongly for people, basically every person i ever meet. and i, sort? of understand the appeal of masochism myself, and i definitely understand the appeal of domming. but i dont understand how to control a scene, how to start up a scene, how to monitor the subs mental state, how to even take that control in the first place because even imagining doing that scares me so, so fucking badly

so i write noncon dom stuff, so i dont have to figure out how to get them there, or how to keep them safe, and i get to satisfy that deep hidden desire to scratch and claw and smile and laugh at someone shaking and crying in fear. or if its soft, just taking care of them and loving them and being loved and needed i can imagine companionship in the only way i understand how, through sex. ive had very few long lasting close friendships, ive never had a crush, and honestly im not, sure? i enjoy sex? like i like being touched but once i have to do it back i get really scared (unless we take things really slow, but im also very inexperienced). i just like being desired, or honestly getting touch of any kind and thats the only way i know how to ask for it

and i kinda, only realized that fear recently. i dont think i had it when i was 18 and I was just starting to interact with people online. but back then i wouldve never dreamed of flirting with anyone either. (had that fuckin trauma BOY HOWDY)

um, to bring this around to what brought these thoughts out, a while ago i was flirting with a friend, we just did that for fun absolutely no sexual or romantic intentions involved. and they told me about how sore they were and i responded back with a grin and giggle and a growl and a laugh and said all the different ways id love to bend and prod them to make it worse because, well, I’m a sadist. and they liked it. i got dizzy with how much i enjoyed that teasing. i literally started slurring my words and had to stop because i couldnt talk anymore, just drool and lay in a warm fuzzy heap of satisfied feelings.

and then afterwards we talked for a bit and as i calmed down and came back to myself i just, i felt like i was going to burst out of my skin, shakey and unsteady, head buzzing, nearly obsessive with the need to tell them i’d never hurt them and make sure i hadnt. so i told them. tried to keep control of myself but i cried. i was near fucking inconsolable. i was terrified i made them uncomfortable, went too far though everything was consensual and it was just flirting, not even explicit! teasing at the maximum! we’d said far spicier things before! they knew i’d never hurt them never want to hurt them never dream of hurting them. and i still cried. i felt wrong. i felt mean i felt horrible, and i’d enjoyed it

and im still a sadist, i find specific kinds of pain arousing, i dont like scarring or blood, preferring discomfort over all, and occasionally i write much much darker content that i dont find sexually appealing, but helps me get out my anger and other emotions i dont know how to process otherwise, and sometimes its just, fun? i know i dont want to hurt people, and i know these things are helpful for me, but i still feel shame

honestly a lot of the kinks or fetishes i used to like, im not sure if i do anymore, either because i just, dont, or ive realized theyre not as acceptable as i once thought, or theyre just not as common online anymore. and i dont feel comfortable sharing them, whether out of fear of rejection, or of making someone else uncomfortable. considering some of the stuff i enjoy imagining or writing i cant read myself. thats, kindof a weird contrast isnt it? (but that might also be because when i was younger, much younger, id read very dark fics, or angst, or look at gore, animal death, death and the nearly dying, as a form of self harm, purposefully seeking out what i knew would trigger me just to keep me dissociating for as long as possible so i wouldnt have to feel, and i’ll admit this is still a mild problem for me, but ive gotten leagues, leagues LEAGUES better. and i try very hard to heed warnings, because i know no one would want me to do that with their works)

cant i just have fun, do i have to have all these shames and memories to go along with this kind of stuff. whyd i find it when i was younger. why do i so closely associate porn and sex with pain when ive never really stopped consuming it. why cant i admit i just want to be held and told im important and enough instead of imagining getting dicked down by men who i both wouldnt be attracted to irl and be scared of

#weenierambles #tw vent

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calmdownlove · 4 years

Text

Ruminating

my cousin raped me when i was a child.

She would make me touch her and have sex with her and she would tell me about all of her adventures with boys. I was young. Before 7. And after 7. Im sure it was before 7 because I time most events in my childhood based on if it was before or after my brother was born.

It went on for years. She would invite me over on the weekends because my mom was always working. My dad didn’t work weekends but he always had somewhere to go and something to do. So he would drop me off at my cousins house so we could spend time together. I never really wondered about what he was doing really until I got older. I just know that most times when I was going to my cousins house I really wanted to be with him.

My cousin would make sure that we ate and played and talked and watched tv. We would play jump rope outside and go on walks and ride our bikes. It was fun. We would have so much fun sometimes that I would forget about home and for a while I would stop wondering where my dad was or what time he was coming to get me.

My cousin would always get back to conversations about sex. Sometimes she would make us watch porn. She would touch me and she would make me touch her. I can remember her smell. There are things I don’t remember....blocks of time I specifically don’t remember. I do remember having fun outside of her bedroom and I remember the touching..but then there are moments that are blank. or fuzzy. I get scared that I cant remember what was happening to me because I was thinking about where my father was and what time he was going to pick me up.

my cousin also raped her sister. Her sister was my younger cousin. She was quiet and cute but slightly attitudinal. she did everything her sister said and she was always aware of what her sister wanted. One time my older cousin had all three of us lay down on her parents bed naked. She would put porn on tv and she wanted us to masturbate. Another older guy cousin walked in on us while this was happening. I remember feeling sick to my stomach and my older cousin told him not to tell my dad. I just remember being so confused.

There was one time that my two girl cousins slept over at my house. I remember my parents being asleep and my older cousin had my younger cousin sit on my face and she tried to teach me how to eat her vagina. I didn’t want to do it so I pretended like I was doing it with my chin. My younger cousin screamed and said “she’s doing it too hard.” I remember I started to cry.

I remember one time my older cousin and I were hanging out in her room and she called a guy to come see her. She told me about this friend’s friend that wanted to meet me. I remember we got ready and I remember that this was something that made her so happy. We used to do this a lot. She would talk about sex and guys and I would listen to her. She would talk about her parents and how much she hated them. She would talk about her sister and how they looked different. She would sometimes talk about me and about how lucky I was. I would listen and I just wanted everyone around me to be happy.

I never told anyone about any of this. I never talked to anyone about anything that wasn’t good news.

One time I was going over my cousins house. My parents had just finished arguing. When we got into the car, my father turned around and looked me straight in the eye and he said, “you don’t talk to anyone about what goes on at home, ok?” I looked at him and I said “Ok.” This was a moment I remember so clearly. I remember thinking that he really meant what he said. This must really be important. I made sure that I listened and I obeyed because my father was really important to me and I really valued his opinion. So I remember thinking since it was important to him then I would also make it really important to me. My father didn’t say much. He was a quiet man. What he did say I took to heart and I valued it. Don’t talk to anyone about what goes on at home.

I never told anyone about what happened with my cousins. There were times when it made me feel uncomfortable, confused, scared. But it was what we did and I knew it made my cousin happy. I felt like I had to. After a while it felt normal.

I remember when I started to become curious about sex on my own. I remember constantly feeling stimulated and wanting to learn more about it. I would sneak and watch porn sometimes. Sometimes I would watch it when my parents were in the next room. I was just trying to learn about it or feel good I don’t know. But I just didn’t know how to do it without my cousin. This was frustrating for me. One time, my mom caught me watching porn and she made me kneel down in my room and she beat me with a belt. I was so confused. I was so confused.

When my brother was young, probably before 2, I remember asking him to sit still so that I could examine him. I didn’t understand why his body was different than mine. It was confusing for me. I told him I wouldnt hurt him and I just looked at his penis. I was young. Maybe 8. I didn’t understand why he had one and I didn’t. I just wanted to see it and learn something I guess. I remember thinking, “he’s different.” I didn’t do anything else. And I didn’t feel anything else past confusion. The learning process of body parts, and sex, and my sense of self. That was all very confusing for me.

Whenever I think back on that moment with my brother I feel horrible. I always wonder if he can remember and if I hurt him. What if by looking at his stuff I hurt him. I was curious. But what if I hurt him like i was hurt? These are thoughts that go through my mind all the time. What if the same confusion in me is in him? And what if I put it there? What if he remembers and he is trying to figure out what why his sister did that to him. It was...harmless....from my perspective but I am sure thats what my cousin thought of what she was doing because I am sure she was also learning and confused when she was with me.

I remember hanging out with another cousin of mine. on my moms side of the family. I remember one night she slept over my house and I wanted to show her all this fun stuff I was doing with my other cousins. That was mostly how I knew how to have fun so I told her that I would teach her what I was taught. There was one time we were grinding on each other and I am sure that the bedroom door was open but I couldn’t really control myself. Im sure this was before 10. I remember her saying, “Ok! thats enough” and I stopped. I remember feeling sick to my stomach. It sounded like I had hurt her and I was so confused. She was my favorite cousin and we always had so much fun but I worry if i broke her. I might have exposed her to something that she was never exposed to before. She gay now. And i don’t know if its because I did that that night. I was doing what I was taught.

I don’t remember when the sex with my older cousin stopped but it stopped at some point. I remember replacing it with a story in my head that my cousins boyfriend raped me. That story made more sense in my head than my girl cousin raping me so I stuck with that. It was a boyfriend of my cousins that my family was comfortable with. He raped me and my cousin was fine with it. She denied it at first but then she was ok with it and I went with it to make her happy. That was the story I made in my head and I knew that I couldn’t tell anyone else so I told myself over and over again until I couldn’t remember that it was my girl cousin. The only time I ever told this story was when I wrote my college essay. The question was, “Tell us about an adversity you experienced that made you who you are.” So I told my story. But it was the one that I was telling myself was the truth. Even that wasn’t the truth.

This method worked well for me. I would make what i needed to be true true in my head so that truth didn’t hurt. As an adult I now understand that this method was just a product of my environment. I felt like i couldn't tell the truth. I needed to understand the truth and what was real. That is how I am set up. So instead of not understanding what was going on with me not being able to get anyone to clear up my confusion I replaced that problem with my own solution and my own understanding of the situation. But that is not right. I lied to myself about how my trauma happened because I wasn’t supposed to talk about things that were important to me. My father taught me that. Especially about things that were happening at home. When I wasn’t home I was at my cousins house. Her mother fed me, my cousins babysat me and it felt like home there. In my home my parents would fight about money all the time. In my cousins home my aunt and older cousins would talk about how much money my father owed them. I felt stuck in the middle. I didn’t talk to anyone about how I felt in the middle and how being in the middle affected me.

The sexual abuse I suffered as a child has affected me constantly into my adulthood. I have a hard time expressing my emotions. Its tough because a lot of my identity rests on my emotions. My intuition is strong and I use it to make the best decisions I have ever made in my life. But most times life is hard because I cannot properly express what I need and how I feel both to myself and others. This is not a muscle that I learned to flex so now in my adulthood I have to dig through myself and find my truths and talk about them. So I can move forward. Now with the safe spaces to speak and think clearly, I can see why I am so fucked up.

For a while I struggled to figure out if I liked girls or if girls just liked me. Everywhere I go I get attention. I am a beautiful girl. Not just physically. My spirit is also extremely beautiful and everyone can feel it when I walk into a room. Everyone includes guys and girls. So when I’ve been presented with the opportunity to explore women I have taken it and I was convinced that what I wanted. If they want me then I want them. Thats how it worked with females. I like to pursue men. But females were different. I have hurt women in the past trying to include them in my relationship with a man because i thought that was what i needed to do to be happy. I aimed to please others and I did what I was taught. But as I get older I realize that yes I am going to be attracted to women, women are beautiful. But most of the reason I ever explored the idea of them was because I was trying to understand my past. Live it out. Every girl that ever liked me was just like my older cousin. Aggressive, needy, sneaky, over sexualized, jealous. Every last one. I was traumatized. I was introduced to sex by a girl and it has affected my relationship to people in general, my relationship with sex, and my relationship with myself. Its a lot.

I had a really hard time trying to figure out how i got into that situation in the first place. l I feel like I’ve been pacing in my head for years. Never got the answer. I got tired wondering why couldn’t I just stay home? Why did I have to be at my cousins house every weekend? Where was my father? I knew my mother was at work...but where was my father? Soon enough I started to piece things together.

I remember one time my father dropped my mother off at work. He had my brother and I in the back seat and he drove to someones apartment in Brooklyn. It was an apartment off of Flatbush. He drove up to the apartments, told us to wait in the car and then disappeared for a while. When he came back he had weed on him. He didn’t say anything to us he just drove home. He bought us McDonalds on the way home. He would bring me McDonalds every time I would ask. When we got home I didn’t see him. He smoked, and then he napped for hours. I watched tv for hours and my brother played his games.

I remember one time my mom went to work and my father spent about an hour and a half getting ready for something. He would shower, get dressed all nice, smelling good and he would go out. Wouldn’t tell us where we he was going. Sometimes he would be home before mommy got home. Sometimes he would stay out. My brother and I would just be home watching tv. Whenever he got home he would act like nothing happened. Like he didn’t just go out and have a good time while his kids were home bored and mom was at work providing for the family. I remember this happened a lot. I wondered if he would go the same place every time. Was he going to see someone? Was he going to see another woman? another family? was it just his friends? And where was he while i was with my cousins? While I was raped? While I was confused.

And now? Where is he now? I haven’t seen my father since a random day back when I was in college. I had come home from college and I went to the courthouse with my mom. I waited in the car while she went inside and I saw my father in the parking lot. I hadn’t seen him in a while. I hadn’t seen him since before my mom had him arrested. I didn’t really want to see him in that parking lot. I didn’t fully understand why I couldn’t stand to talk to him then but I knew in my gut that he didn’t deserve it. And I knew that I was a different person than he knew before. I was smarter and I was starting to make sense of the type of person that he was and the type of person that he had been for years.

Between the years when I was always dropped off at my cousins and that last time I saw my father.. a lot happened....

I grew up. I went to boarding school for high school and became extremely independent. I went off to college . I grew smarter and tried different relationships with different people. Throughout it all I didn’t speak with my father very much. I always wondered if it was because I went away. But we weren’t very close before that I guess. When he was home he was doing his own thing. He would smoke, or be on the computer, or watching tv, or sleep. And when my mom would come home he expected her to take care of him after she had been at work all day. As I got older it got harder and harder for me to respect that.

As I grew up I stopped caring too much about a relationship with my father. It was easier to do that when I was away. While I was away I wondered if my absence had an effect on the relationship between my mother and father. While I was home I was usually the glue. My parents always decided to work things out or work a little harder for me and my brothers sake. I wondered if that got harder because I wasn’t there. My brother would call me on the phone crying sometimes because he was sad and scared that they were fighting. It was hard for him to deal with on his own and I felt guilty for not being there for him and explaining things to him. At the same time I knew that the conditions of my home were not my fault. It was out of my control. I would go back and forth between it being my fault and it not being my fault. That drove me crazy and it drove me away. I avoided family for a while. It hurt. But I didn’t speak to anyone about this.

My mother could always tell that I was easily hurt by things so she doesn’t always tell me when things are going wrong with the family. She thinks it will spare my feelings. If she did tell me she would wait until the last minute.

I found out that my father was arrested from my older cousin. She called me when I was in the back seat of my friends car in the McDonalds drive thru. She asked me if I knew and I told her no.

I was told he was arrested for child endangerment. He refused to put the heat on in an attempt to get my mother kicked out of the house. For weeks my mother was sleeping on the floor in my brothers room because she couldn’t sleep next to him. My father locked the bedroom door and had a key for it. He had my mother thinking about moving into an apartment and changing my brothers school because of how bad things got at home.

Meanwhile. Im in lala land. At school. Creating my own reality while my mother and my brother were suffering. Because of my father. Because of his neglect. It is hard to forgive. I also suffered and I still suffer because of my father.

I think about what my mother and brother must have really went through. Emotionally. Because they don’t ever tell me the full story. I guess they don’t want me to worry. But it makes sense. Communication has always been hard for my family. After school leaving for school I didn’t really tell them much of what happened to me either. I shared a lot of good news. But not the bad news. That was supposed to stay inside.

It is only recently that I decided that I cannot keep things inside anymore. I hold too much in. I get scared to let it out. I fear that no one will hear me or understand me. Sometimes it feels more comfortable to be quiet. But that has all developed into illness. Its gotten to the point where I cant sleep well. I don’t eat right. its hard to hold conversations. I get paranoid about what others know about me. I get nervous easily. I get anxious and I do this all quietly. I try not to let others see me sweat and as I get older this gets harder and harder.

I started getting anxiety attacks. So I had to do something about it. I just wasn’t strong anymore. Things just kept happening to me. My friends boyfriend took advantage of me. Then I lost all of my adult friends because I had no time for them. My boyfriend lost his job then left me. It was too much.

I took a short trip to New York and I spent time with my mother. After a day of fun I broke down. I told her that I was having trouble connecting with people and I thought something was wrong with me. I told her that my best friend’s boyfriend put drugs in my drink and tried to have sex with me while I was asleep. This happened when i was about 25. He took all of my clothes off and I didn’t know where my friend was. I felt like I couldn’t stand up for myself. I felt paralyzed while it all happened. I felt like I had felt in my cousins bedroom.

My mom held me. She consoled me. She wondered why I would let anyone take advantage of me like that and why i didn’t tell anyone. I just didn’t know how.

That cry and that conversation helped me a lot. My mom told me that i needed to have a conversation with my friend. I needed to tell her what happened to me and what a man that she trusted did to me. I avoided this process for a while, but after about 6 months of thinking about how that conversation would go I did talk to her. I messaged her and asked if we could meet up and talk.

This is one of the most genuine friends I had ever had. We connected on so many levels especially music. When this guy came into her life I had a bad feeling about him. I could just feel in my gut that something was off with him. He had problems with boundaries and their relationship progressed so quickly. I expressed that I wanted her to be careful and not move too fast with this man.

After moving in with him and planning a future with him I gave in and decided to be happy for my friend. We would all hang out and get to know each other. A group of us were all supposed to go to a concert together. It was three couples and another person I think. One couple dropped out last minute. Then my boyfriend dropped out. I didn’t want to cancel on my friend so I went.

It was a good time. We went to the concert. I don’t remember much of the party I just remember my friend’s boyfriend giving me a beer. When we got to the apartment I felt sick. I never feel sick when drinking I always hold my alcohol well so this was weird. I felt sick that night so I took a shot of water and apple cider vinegar because that always makes me feel better by the morning.

I remember him taking my clothes off. I remember him on top of me in bed. Me forcing my legs closed. Me not being able to speak after a while.

I didn’t tell my friend anything the next morning. She didn’t believe me when i told her he wasn’t any good, so i didn’t feel comfortable talking to her about him. My boyfriend wasn’t there. I missed an appointment that morning. I just left without saying anything. I went home and cried to my bf but didn’t tell him anything. I broke up that friendship because all of that hurt too bad and i didn’t know what else to do.

I told mommy about it though. And after a while i told my friend also. I told her that the rape was the reason I ended the friendship it wasn’t her. I told her everything that happened and how it affected me the past couple of years. I did not blame her I just wanted her to know the facts of that night. I didn’t want her to have an idea of me that was false.

After telling her I felt so good. I felt free. I felt like I was back in her apartment but the morning after was different now. Now she knew and now the story was real to her too. I wasn’t the only one carrying what happened. Everyday up until then I would think about that happened to me. Everyday I think about what my cousin did to me and I hope that after sharing my truth I will be able to move on from that too. Its something that happened to me and I am the only one who carries it. I am the only one who feels it over and over again. Even if it is not in the front of my brain it is somewhere in my body. In my chest, my back, my head. I have body pain from all that I keep in. I’ve kept it in since I was a child. its not fair that other people get to have different memories of what happened to me. I have to let it out and take the weight off my back.

I want to be free. I want to tell the truth about me and it starts here. I used to want a relationship with my father. I used to think that a relationship with my father would help me to feel more free and alive. But i am not sure that is what it is. I think its that I wanted to understand my father. So that I can understand myself. I want to understand some of the decisions he made so i can understand why I feel so broken. I needed to spend time thinking about why I needed him so bad. I’ve finally figured it out. My father was supposed to be the person who protected me. When he was supposed to be doing that he was out protecting himself instead. Because he protected himself from all corners by making sure that he didn’t have to assume responsibility by pawning his kids off to someone else, leaving financial burden on his wife and then blaming her for shortcomings, and making sure that his fuckery never got out because it wasn’t ok to talk about what went on at home with anyone else. Maybe I still want a relationship with my father. But I don’t need one. I already understand everything that I need to understand. I don’t need to hear it from him or worry about some make believe apology. I know for myself that I will not receive the attention that I deserved from him as a child. I understand that my father is a human. He is his own person and he had his own reasons for making the decisions that he did. Just like I have reasons for doing the things that I do. I understand how hard it is to be an adult making decisions based on things you never learned and you were never thought. So on a human level I do understand my father and I forgive my father. I forgave him a long time ago. I just haven’t forgiven myself.

I want to forgive myself for staying down for so long and staying quiet about things that are important to me or ways that I have been hurt. I forgive myself for putting other peoples needs and other peoples feelings before my own. I forgive myself for carrying weight that was not mine to carry. I didn’t know any better back then and I was traumatized. I worked through that trauma the best way I knew how but I never fully healed because I never fully understand what happened to me. So the trauma kept showing up over and over again until I got to the right answer. The answer is me and it has always been me. I always have to do what is best for me. ALL THE TIME. I know what is best for me and I must do only that. I have to use my voice to tell my story no matter how ugly fucked up and hurtful it may sound. It is mine. It is true and if I do anything else other than to tell the truth it will be painful. I know because I experienced this quiet pain for years. Slowly but surely I am releasing it all. It is no longer me. I have to get better. Because I have goals. And I am on my own way. I pray that I heal and I pray that my voice is heard. I pray that whatever else comes up on my heart that I am able to express it and I pray that I come back to myself when I feel confused and I listen to my intuition and my own instruction and I respect myself. I forgive myself.

#respect rape metoo father

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abra-ka-dammit · 6 years

Text

a lot of my dreams involve driving, now much more heavily than they did before i knew how to, but usually now its not scary, just Part Of The Story. i need to Get Somewhere.

a lot of em have also involved flying in some way lately which i find interesting because im fucking terrified of heights and the idea of falling but last night i was gliding and trying to figure out how to get higher up, and ive flown with wings, with magic, on mounts, and somehow im never actually afraid

theres also a lot of school that i may or may not actually be attending which never fails to fuck me up because the school i dream of is like some weirdass mall with no rhyme or reason to it, then theres always creepy fucked up/surreal/dilapidated buildings that seem like they should be haunted or part of some supernatural horror movie but just make you Think instead (usually itll be where i live in the dream), then theres often sleeping, me having Girlfriends, going to food places, the store, and ofc theres almost always some weirdass animals and/or my cats involved

(oddly enough, any time theres food involved, i never eat. i look at the food if its out but ill never take or order anything...?)

theres also often people i dont know or vaguely know (like old family friend-families) just kinda chilling and/or living with me, and if one of my parents show up theyre usually antagonistic

and of COURSE, most of my dreams end up having Video Game aspects to them. ive made multiple trips to the same dungeon/cave that respawns with “enemies”?, ive flown over maps full of mobs with chunks of sort of different Zones and went to my Quest Destination to find Specific Person for Specific Reason (i dunno about battles tho? i think ive stealthed around a lot of potential fights, guess my subconscious is as bad at writing combat as me awake), ive even done a multi-part escort quest/scenario deal in some egypty desert place where we were in airships and shooting down at huge waves of mobs and then we hit this huge door and had to go by foot through a temple that was cavernous and mazelike and at the end we emerged to a completely different ecosystem and it was wild. lately ive also been to a beach under siege where people are fighting some sorta demons and theres wreckage and airships and the lighting is sometimes pretty red and dark, but the hills and cliffs by the beach include a cave that leads to a spidery tunnel that usually ends up leading to an underground building of some sort

theres been like, theme park rides in a couple (like uh, roller coasters n shit) which are always the same of a small chunk (like theres some water log slide i get a lot) but i almost never actually ride them, just end up walking around on the parts u go up to get to the top

(i have been on a couple water slides in my dreams which are always crazy, long, and sometimes scary, but tbh i love water slides irl, even if i almost drowned at the end of one as a kid because my mom weighed a lot more than me and the double tube flipped and i ended up under water and my dumb ass still doesnt know how to swim to this day.... mom got me tho all good)

sometimes my actual irl friends show up which is always interesting since i know them primarily through the text they send me online, so i feel like even tho i know what they all actually look like they show up in my dreams as a very vague entity that my brain just kinda fills in the context for (”that fuzzy humanish shaped form is karen” “sure, okay, seems legit”) and they never seem to behave “in character”

(probably due to my own insecurities)

then theres always those strange dreams where im in mutual dokis with someone i have 0 feelings for irl where i wake up afterwards and lay there like..... shit.... DO I like that person???? do I NOW?

(no. it’s just a dream, dumbass. i knew damn well who i liked in high school and it wasnt her.)

then theres stuff that shows up a lot in dreams that are usually actually kinda nice, like the long roads surrounded by nothing but empty dirt that lead into craggy mountains that end in this beautiful cliff cave-like thing with open walls so youre shaded but can see by sunlight, with a lake that waterfalled into another clear lake outside, and in the cave is a perfect little sitting balcony where ive often gone by myself but also have brought others to (including dazzle?)

and shit that shows up in a lot of the Bad Dreams, like the one-lane highways that for whatever reason turn into super high, twisty ramps with no fucking sides at all

oh and not to mention any time i feel really insecure in a dream im usually dating or trying to get back with my ex i was with for 6 years because all the time ive spent single since makes me wonder if i made the right choice because maybe hes the only person who’ll ever actually love me lmfao so hes always rly nice and supportive of whatever im feeling weird about (my teeth, my body, my unshaved legs, etc), except then sometimes my dreams remind me of the whole pressure/guilt-coerced sex and various other shitty parts of what we had so YEAHHHH

anyways theres a lot more i cant think of rn too but there u go, a buncha dream rambles from me

#stupid shit #me just talking abt a lot of stuff from my dreams

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sarahjane0886 · 7 years

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My Everything

“You are my everything, everything else is just everything else.”

“Babe, I don’t know that you should be going today.”

“Valentin, we’ve been over this a hundred time. I have to go. It’s the last day before break.” Jenna said of her current work project. She was working on a production with a local performing arts school. She was the choreographer for the students for the winter production. The children however followed a different schedule than the regular academic calendar. They were going to be having a fall break starting tomorrow for 2 weeks.

“I get it, I just don’t think its okay. You’ve barely slept these last few days. I honestly think you need to go to the doctor.”

“Tomorrow, I promise. I’ll be okay. I’ll make it.” She said as she felt her stomach grab in pain once more. For the past three days, she had been having sharp pains in her stomach. Sometimes they wrapped around and sometimes it was just stabbing. It got way worse when she laid down at night so she hadn’t really been sleeping much at all.

“You’re not going to cave on this are you?” He said finally relenting. He was seriously concerned about his girl. She was as pale as a dead person at the moment and she had bags from her lack of sleep. He was worried that if whatever was wrong didn’t take over first, she was going to pass out from sheer exhaustion.

“No babe, I’m not. I’m sorry. I know you’re worried but I’ll be okay.” She said moving over to him and wrapping her arms around him.

“Fine, I’ll relent on one condition, well two.”

“What’s that?” She said as she settled into his chest feeling his voice vibrate in her ear.

“That you call me if you get worse. And that you let me go with you to the doctor tomorrow.”

“Babe…you have…” She said getting ready to state he needed to worry about his current partner with DWTS.

“No, Shay will understand. I know she’s important because she’s my responsibility but I’ll make up the time to her. You’re more important.” He said as his hand ran over her back as he swayed them slowly.

“Fine. I’ll call and you can go with me. But you have to promise that you’ll prioritize Shay first.”

“You’re my most important priority.” He said nearly with a growl.

“Valentin.”

“You’re not getting me to cave on that one. Do you want me to drive you over?” Val asked.

“What time are you done with Shay today? We finish at 3 so just a little before you.”

“If you don’t mind, I’ll go with you.”

“I never mind sweetheart. Maybe you can rest a little more on our way.” He suggested before, dropping down to her lips to press a kiss to them. She hummed and nodded into him before they went their separate ways.

“Okay, call me if you need me sweetheart.” Val said as he dropped Jenna off at the prep school. She leaned over gingerly. She realized that she was kind of just experiencing a constant dull ache at that moment. She wasn’t super sure if that was better or worse than the stabbing pain.

“I will, love you. Tell everyone hi for me.” She said as pressed a kiss to his lips.

“I love you too. Promise you’ll call.” He said as he linked their pinkies quickly. It had been their thing whenever they seriously needed the other to listen.

“I promise.” She whispered as she squeezed their fingers before getting out of the car. She waved to him before heading in. She began to stretch as she waited for the students to begin arriving. The groups were split into age and skill set. Each group was performing different pieces as well as solos, duets, and small groups as well. It had been a huge amount of work on Jenna’s end but she was absolutely loving the experience and the time with the children. She had gained so much knowledge over the past 5 months, it was crazy to her.

“Hey Miss J, you okay?” One of her students, Aria said as she came in. She dropped her bag and sat down next to Jenna and began to stretch. Aria was 10 and was super talented in her skills. She excelled at contemporary but additionally at the Latin style dances.

“Yeah, I didn’t sleep well last night so I’m a little sleepy. How about you, you ready to work on your duet with Liam?” Jenna asked.

“Definitely, can we work on the lift some? I just want to get it down before we’re away.”

“Yeah, you guys almost have it completely down but I know what you mean.” She said as Liam walked in then. They were her first session and once he was stretched, they began to work. Like Aria had asked, they did work on the lift however Jenna began with the steps leading into the lift. She knew from experience that if those were smooth as well, it would help the two execute the lift. Once they had it down, they moved onto the lift.

“So Liam’s hands should be here and then when I leap, that’s when we start right?” Aria said. She was very skilled however had come across as very terrified of this whole lift business.

“Right, so here, come here, so you’ll start here. You’ll leap, Liam will lift you up and over so that you’re now above him. Try the leap with me.” Jenna said moving into position behind Aria. She placed her hands under Aria’s ribs and got ready to lift. As soon as she counted and Aria jumped, Jenna felt like something snapped in her stomach. She yelped loudly as she lost her balance. Both her and Aria tumbled to the floor.

“Ahh!” She yelped as she held her stomach tightly. She heard Aria and Liam panicking and tryng to assist her but the pain was so overwhelming that she couldn’t speak. The next thing she knew the world had gone black.

“Easy, easy, take it easy sweetheart.” Jenna heard Val’s voice off in the distance. She was confused because the last thing she remembered was the collapsing with Aria. Suddenly she felt the familiar dull ache in her stomach again and groaned.

“Val.” She murmured as she tried to open her eyes.

“Easy, I’m right here.” He said as he rested his hand on her head using his thumb to stroke her forehead. She opened her eyes and suddenly could see his fuzzy figure in front of her.

“What? Why are you here?” She mumbled.

“You’re in the hospital Jen. But you’re okay.” He said gently.

“What why?” She said suddenly beginning to panic.

“Calm down baby. Its okay you’re safe. I’m right here. It’s all okay now.” He repeated.

“Val.” She said again as tears filled her eyes.

“I know, remember your stomach pains? Well you collapsed at practice with Aria & Liam.”

“Oh my god, are they?” She said trying to sit up but groaned in response.

“Whoa, still baby, lay still. Its okay, they are okay. You however, your stomach pains were an appendicitis. It burst and that’s why you collapsed. They brought you in and did surgery.”

“What?! You’re not serious?” Jenna stammered in pure shock. She could feel her body shaking and was just confused with all the information. A nurse came in then and made Val step away not helping Jenna’s shock and panic. Finally she was done and he was allowed back beside her.

“Sweetheart, I need you to relax. I promise, it’s all okay now. They got everything and you’ll have some recovery time but its okay.” He repeated.

“What about the kids?” She asked as she reached for him. She wanted him as close to her as possible.

“I can’t lay with you Jen. You just had surgery.” He said gently.

“Please?” She said as she weakly tried to pull him back over to her.

“Jen.”

“Please Val. It’ll help.” She said knowingly. They both knew it would. He sighed and tried to figure out how to do this.

“Only if you promise to calm down.” He relented. “And I need to be on your other side. I know it’s not what you’re going to want but your stitches are on this side.”

“Okay, just please.” She said again. He let go of her hand and moved to her left side and settled next to her. She shifted in as best as she could and found his hand again. She felt herself begin to calm down.

“Rest baby.” He said as he pressed his lips to her head. He could feel her relaxing slowly.

“Explain first, from the beginning.” She said as she settled. He knew that she wasn’t going to budge on that one so he began to explain from the beginning clear up until the end.

“So you’ll be in here for 2 more days. And then you’re down for the next 7-10 depending on how well you listen and heal. And I’m going to be your nurse so I’ll make sure you listen. Just you and me for the next 2 weeks.”

“Val, the season, You have Shay.” She stammered as she realized what he was saying.

“Maks is going to fill in for me. I already talked to the producers.”

“You cant….you can’t do that for me. You can’t do that to Shay. The show, it’s important. It’s your livelihood. I can’t let you do that.”

“Jen, when I got that call that you collapsed, it felt like my whole world fell out. Sweetheart, you are my everything, everything else is just everything else. So yes, the show and Shay are important however you are more important to me.” Jenna felt him shake lightly against her and knew that he must have been scared.

“I’m so…” She started.

“No, I just, you’re okay. We just have to get you healthy again. I love you. Okay?” He said as if that was enough. She knew it was and she knew he did but his statement was still quite big. She decided against fighting with him though and just rested on him. She suddenly felt like the weight of the day hit her hard and her body became exhausted.

“I love you too.” She said with a yawn.

“Sleep sweetheart.” Val said knowingly. His hand moved to her hair as his fingers combed through it lightly. He felt her drift off quickly and just took solace that although they were laying in a hospital bed, his everything was there in his arms, safe and on the road to recovery.

**Hope you loved it again! My Valenna skills may improve as I continue going on. :) I do like this concept tho. And I can totally see this occurring. Like Val being like uh no, this is alllll about you cause you’re my queen. Don’t forget to like it up and let me know what you thought! Love you guys!

#valenna #val & Jenna #val chmerkovskiy #jenna johnson #shorty #one shot #quote prompts #sarahs stories

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overlyzealousegg · 7 years

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Recently someone I know on shared a video on facebook of some woman, who I promise is not qualified to be talking about ADHD, saying it wasn’t real and I forced myself to watch the whole thing and it was filled with ignorance and misinformation and I was fucking pissed off, which usually is what fuels my long ranty posts on my fb. Anyway I made a list of things I go through because I was so mad. ANYWAY HERES MY LIST.

Know what having ADHD is like?

-It's interrupting people all day because your brain can't sit on something for too long bc it'll forget and you have literally no control over it. -It's having to ask someone to repeat what they said eight times only to slowly have to piece it together an hour (or days) later. -It's reading something over and over wondering if you're not understanding or if its really that weird of a sentence. -It's talking when you have nothing to say and wishing to the adhd gods above that they'll finally let you shut up. -it's learning to say nothing because you hate yourself for talking too much. -It's being in the *middle of a sentence* and forgetting what you're even talking about. (this is the worst I do it so freaking often) -It's going quiet and spacey and thinking about everything all at once, which feels like thinking about nothing at all because you can't focus even in your own head. -It's hating yourself. -It's having friendships that feel like they mean *nothing* to you, although you try to convince yourself otherwise. (This one confuses you because you know its a meaningful friendship and you try your hardest to be a good friend always but you also know you struggle with *feeling* like its meaningful) -It's hyperfocusing until your eyes go fuzzy you're so exhausted. -It's not being able to solve a really simple puzzle because your brain sees the right answer but also its convinced theres a different way to do it. -It's feeling like your chest is going to cave in because you couldn't be perfect, which you know is unreasonable but you feel it anyway. -It's failure to control and regulate your emotions at random. -It's not being able to eat certain foods because the texture makes your skin crawl and you can't even chew it it's such a strong repulsion. -It's having sensory overloads. -It's getting up at 2 am because you cant sleep and cleaning, organizing, and rearranging the space under your sink in the bathroom instead. -It's having no self worth. -It's thinking about something for so long that you pick it a part and rationalize every aspect of it until you can understand wholly or firmly decide it's a good decision or mind-frame or whatever because you have an unwavering NEED to find rationality and logic in everything. -It's hating the way sheets feel on your toes and sleeping under blankets only for your whole life. -It's being hungry because you haven't eaten anything in almost 24 hours and pacing around the kitchen thinking to yourself "I'm not really that hungry" just because you can't decide what to eat. (This is how you got here in the first place.) (Sometimes you settle for a soda instead but since the headache is bad enough you usually force yourself to make a decision.) -It's having people who know nothing about adhd saying that "its not real" and thinking its an illness only children can have. -It's not knowing for 15 years that you didn't 'figure it out' but that you were on medication and it was helping you, you didn't know that you don't out grow it- the symptoms just change.

It. Is. Real.

Here have some more, Tumblr.

-It’s going to class and doing the best you can and still failing the class three times in a row, even if you do tutoring, study with the aids, and try everything to be prepared. -it’s knowing exactly what you want to say but never being able to put the pieces together to accurately convey the concept. -It’s rewatching an episode several times because you’re watching it but your brain is 900 lightyears away. -It’s wandering aimlessly around your house for and hour and fourteen minutes and thirty two seconds. This includes: sitting in your room for two minutes, getting up and walking into the living room and watching the news (standing 3 feet from the tv) with your mom for five minutes, going into the kitchen for twenty minutes (still watching tv as you try to decide if you’re hungry or not), going into the laundry room to get soda, walking back upstairs to sit in your room for three minutes, getting up and doing your hair in the mirror 11 different ways before deciding this was a waste of time (why did you do it anyway?) effectively throwing away eight minutes, sitting in your room for six minutes then getting up and sitting in your nieces room, where you sat all day babysitting, and look at the guinea pigs for two minutes, going back upstairs and sitting in your room for twelve minutes, walking around doing nothing for one minute, going back into the kitchen for another ten minutes, going to stand in the room with your mom, looking around for something to ??? you’re not even sure why you’re there, for three minutes, then you turn and take five steps in the direction of the stairs and stop again for another minute, finally you walk up stairs and back to your room and stay there. -It’s getting caught in a loop of thinking about the same thing at the same time every day for days on end, you pick the thing apart and figured it out (mostly anyway) almost on the first day so why you’re still thinking about it is a mystery.

I think that’s all I’m going to add, but yeah these are me-things that I consider related to my adhd.

But go ahead and tell me adhd isn’t real.

#adhd #my adhd life #add #long posts #attention deficit hyper disorder #combined type #peer sharing #attention deficit disorder

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teamkaiforever · 7 years

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HERETICS

(requested by anon) . word count : 3 736 summary : Reader is a heretic and gets sent to the (new) Prison World. * gif by jake-riley note : (to the anon who requested it) i'm sorry it took so long 🙈, hope you like it :) __________________________

Y/N sat on one of the tables at the Grill waiting for her order, looking around. Mystic Falls , the 21st century verison of it , looked like a nice place to live. Her hand reached in her jacket pocket , pulling out her phone when suddenly someone sat opposite her. “Who are you?” wondered Y/N as a young woman with short dark brown hair , green eyes and olive skin sat opposite her at her table. “Town witch.” replied the stranger. “I am here to deliver a message.” “From who?” “Doesn’t matter really.” she smiled. “The Armoury keeps very detailed files on hybrids like you. We know about what you did in Georgia … and Dallas.” Y/N shifted on her seat trying to figure out where the conversation was going. She knew about the Armoury and what they had done to Mary Louise and Nora. Last thing Y/N wanted was to end up in one of their cells. Specially after finally getting her freedom. Spending over 100 years in the 1903 Prison World had been enough of a torture for her to last her a millenia. “And ?” “Everywhere you go , death follows.” replied the girl.” You should’ve stayed away. Why did you even come back here ? Your family is gone.“ Y/N clenched her jaw trying hard not to think about the fact the people she had known for decades were all gone now. “Mystic Falls has been my home for over a century. Granted it was a snapshot of a snowy day , but…” “We cant allow you to stay in Mystic Falls.” “Who ? You and the mysterious Armoury ?” wondered Y/N , waving her hands in the air in pretend fear before starting to laugh. “What are you going to do ? Glare me to death ? There are no more Prison Worlds and as far as I understand the entire Gemini coven is gone.” The girl rested her back on the chair , folding her hands on her chest with a small smile on her face. Sometimes Y/N wondered what would’ve been like to stay in Mystic Falls with her family , but going away when Oscar had , had been the better option. Why stay in the same place when there is a world to explore and … people to eat , unlike in the Prison World where she had had to live on a few drops of blood every day , just to stay awake in an agonising pain ? No. Y/N had chosen to see the world , not realising there wouldn’t a be home for her to come back to later. “I’ll ask you to leave. Once.” said the girl. “You get up and leave now - you get to live your life.” “And if I chose to stay?” “There is a Prison World , waiting for you.” replied the girl leaning in on the table. Y/N stared at her. There were no more Prison Worlds. The girl was obviously bluffing and Y/N didn’t plan on falling for it. “Witches … always so brave. Ready to protect everyone but themselves.” replied Y/N , purple black veins showing under her eyes as her fingers wrapped around the knife on the table and jamming it in the girl’s hand , pinning it to the table before grabbing the girls hand and siphoning her magic. “Thing is - you are not a match for me. And to think this could’ve gone in a completely different direction.” “You are not … the … first heretic I’ve had to … deal with.” said the girl through gritted teeth , flicking her wrist magically snapping Y/N’s neck.

* * *

Y/N opened her eyes , her cheek and shoulder resting against the cold floor. Her neck hurt and she rubbed it for a moment before running her fingers through her hair. Slowly the girl got up , cracking her neck for a moment. Loud music was blasting from speakers nearby , so loud the glasses on the bar were lightly moving across the surface. “UGH , that song is awful.” she muttered , turning off the music with a flick of her wrist. The place was empty , absolutely empty or at least thats what she thought until someone groaned behind her. No wonder she hadn’t noticed that with the Spin Doctors playing. Y/N got up looking around. She was no longer at the Grill but in what appeared to be a karaoke bar. On the stage there was young man chained to a chair, his skin was gray with every single vein in his body visible. Y/N tilted her her in confusion , studying the guy’s face. He seemed very familiar to her , though it was hard to say considering he was not quite himself. In a few short steps she got on the stage , leaning in towards him , waving his hand in front of his face. “Hello?” she asked. “Are you awake ?” Another groan. Y/N smiled to herself. “I’m going to take that as a ‘yes’.” she said. “Look , I’ll get those chains off you and we are going to find something to eat for you. If there is even someone to eat in this place. It’s so beyond quiet..” A sigh left her lips , starting to realise the girl’s words had been true. A few seconds later the chains dropped on the ground. The young man’s head dropped and Y/N had to help him up. Except when she did , the guy grabbed her hand and sank his teeth in her wrist. “Oh-kay.” she muttered flinching in pain a little. “That works too.” He kept feeding , drainng an artery or two before letting go. Her head had started to feel a little dizzy but she was still stronger than him. “God , you taste delicious.” said the young man , dropping her wrist. He looked at her with curiousity - purple / black veins still flashing under his eyes, a smirk showing on his face. Next moment her neck got snapped , again.

Kai kept feeding , draining every ounce of Y/N’s blood from her body trying to figure out why the girl’s blood tasted different than human blood then he figured it out and a smile spread across his face recognising her. He let the girl ‘sleep’ on the floor after feeding on her and waited for her to wake up. About two hours later Y/N woke up , opening her eyes and jumping up fast and away from the guy. “You could’ve said ‘please’.” she said. “Or at least 'sorry’.” “Whoops.” said the guy amused. He was sitting on one of chairs , his feet crossed on the table and his hands behind his head. There was a smile on his face. “Where is the fun in that ?” Y/N laughed , reaching behind the bar. “Funny.” she said. “I’m curious to find out where we are because there is no way that’s a Prison World. Those do not exist anymore. How I got here and most importantly how do we get out… I don’t plan on spending my life in a magical prison.” “Good. Then we are on the same page.” said the guy , getting up and walking towards her. “Specially on the 'get out’ part. I’ve been in a Prison World before and I’m not looking forward to spending another 20 years stuck in one.” Up close , now that he had fed , Y/N recognised him instantly. His blue eyes , that smirk and his voice. There was no way for her to forget that voice. “Wait.” she said. “Kai ?” “I wondered if you’d recognise me. ” he said smiling , putting his hands in his pockets. “Its been like what ? Four years , maybe five ? I lost track of time being chained in that chair in excrutiating pain. Now I understand why first chance you got back in 1903 , you grabbed me and sank your teeth into my neck. Sorry for feeding on you and snapping your neck. I was … a little delirious.” “Well , now we are even.” she smiled , wondering what would happen if her arms wrapped around him. There weren’t many familiar faces in the world left for her. Back in 1903 she and Kai had become friends. Y/N had asked him questions about what the world is like and he had been more than happy to tell her everything. “It’s nice to see you again. Maybe this time I can repay the favour and help you get out of this place.” Y/N opened the bottle , grabbing two glasses and poured a drink for her and Kai. Her eyes studying him the entire time. He was supposed to be dead. Then again so was she , technically. Kai moved a step towards her and wrapped his arms around her without any warning. “Oh hugging.” she said smiling , wrapping her arms around him. “That’s definitely new. What happened to you ? Don’t tell me you have gone soft?” she teased. Kai laughed , pushing her away. “Sorry. It’s been … a long time since I’ve seen someone who doesn’t have the intentions of beheading me or trapping me somewhere or sending me back to Hell.” he said smiling nervously. “I’m not going soft. Not a chance.” “Good.” she said , handing him one of the glasses. “I like you better this way. It’s going to be so much fun getting revenge after we get out.” Kai took a sip and left the glass on the bar. “Yeah… about that.” he said. “There is no way out this time.” “What ?” she nearly choked. “I’m guessing Bonnie sent you here.” he said sitting on one of the tables near by. Y/N looked at him with puzzled expression. “Green eyes, dark brown hair , oilve skin ?” “Ah.. yeah , must’ve been her.” “Anyways , when she ditched me here there was one thing she made very specific. No eclipses to bail my ass out of here.” he said with a note of anger and hurt in his voice. Y/N understood where he was coming from. Like her he had spent years in a Prison World. “Though something’s been bothering me ever since I got here. Because as you know I am the leader of the Gemini coven and as one , I should be able to get out without one but -” “You are not sure if that still applies now that you are a heretic.” she sighed , gulping her glass at once. “Well , we still need the Ascendant. If we find this , we can figure out our way out. There are two of us now.” “We’ll also need a celestial event and Bennett blood.” he added. “I don’t suppose you tried to bite her head off and maybe got some of her blood on your clothes ?” Y/N took a step towards him with a small smile on her face. “No… I didn’t bite her.” she trailed off, glancing at a blood stain on her jacket. “I stabbed her.” Kai’s eyes widened and he looked at the semi dried blood on Y/N’s jacket sleeve. Then he looked up at her. “I could kiss you right now.” he said smiling widely. Y/N smiled back at him , feeling a warm fuzzy feeling spread through her body at his words. “We can get out ! Take your jacket off.” He ran to the bar , grabbing one of the small bottles , emptying it and used a spell to transfer turn back the blood to liquid and transfer it into the small bottle. Kai’s fingers wrapped around it looking at the blood with a devilish spark in his eyes , then looked at Y/N. “Admit it.” she said smiling. “I am your favourite girl on the planet. Well , I am the only girl in the planet but still.” “Fine.” he said laughing for a second , leaving the bottle back on the table , taking a step towards her. “You are my most favourite girl on the planet. So , do you happen to have the Ascendant in your pocket too ? Or am I being too optimistic?” Y/N laughed under her breath. “No , that I don’t have … yet.” Kai looked at her curious , taking another step towards her until they were standing barely a metre away. Y/N was full of surprises. Out of all the heretics back in 1903 he liked spending time with her. They were roughly the same age and were alike in many ways. Not only because both of them had been cast out of their coven. Y/N was nice to him , not like the others who just wanted to use him as a blood bag. She treated him as a person , as someone who is worthy of having friends and family. Unlike everyone else he had known. “Yet?” he asked gazing into her eyes. “How much do you know about the Armoury ?” she asked with a playful smile. “I know their cells don’t have the proper security to hold a vampire / witch heretic.” he said taking a step towards her. “And that there is a tunnel that leads from Mystic Falls directly into the voult of the building barely 7 miles away from here as the crow flies.” Y/N took a step towards him until they were barely inches from each other. “Where do you think the Ascendant came from ?” she asked raising her brows , turning around towards the exit leaving Kai completely breathless. “Are you coming or what ?” Kai blinked a few times and grabbed the small bottle in his hands , placing it in his pocket before chasing after her. Not only he wasn’t alone anymore , but Y/N had quite literally brought him the key to getting out of that place. Going after the twins had gotten him into that mess , now weirdly he was glad about it other ways he probably never would’ve seen her again. There was another thing on his mind other than revenge in that moment. Even if their plan failed and they got stuck there , at least he wouldn’t be alone for all eternity. A smile spread across his face at the thought. “Never thought I’d say this … but thank you Bonnie.” he whispered , catching up with Y/N in a split second.

* * *

Y/N and Kai had spent the following days going through the archives at the Armoury searching for an entry describing the Ascendant he had seen. It had taken them a while but finally they had gotten their hands on the mystical relic.

“We still need a celestial event. Although …” he trailed off , twisting the Ascendant in his hands looking up at her. Y/N crossed her hands and took a step towards him , resting her hip on the edge of the table standing barely half a metre from Kai. He turned towards her. “.. we might not need one. The Armoury is the hot bed of supernatural energy. If we can siphon enough magic , we might not need one.” “Lets go then.” she said starting to walk away. “You seem awfuly eager to get away from me.” said Kai grabbing her wrist. “Why ?” “I’m not eager to get away from you.” she said smiling. “In fact I actually kind of like you. Thing is … I’ve spent nearly 120 years in a place like this. I feel a little … claustrophobic ? No , thats not the word. Caged ?” “What do you mean you 'kind of like me’ ?” he wondered not letting go of her wrist. “Whats with the 'kind of’ bit ? Am I not charming and funny enough ?” Y/N laughed placing her hand on his chest. “You are beyond charming Kai…and quite funny. Lets go. The sooner we get out of this place , the sooner I can rip that witch’s head off. Although … weirdly , I don’t mind much she sent me here.” Kai let go off her wrist and went after her. He knew the feeling Y/N was describing. Being in a Prison World is worse than being trapped. You can still be outside in the park or somewhere on the street and feel like you are stuck between four walls with no way out. It can drive a person mad , specially knowing there is no way to actually die. All he had done in 1994 had been try to kill himself , only taking a short breaks from existing without truly living. It had messed with his head. He tried imagining that times five , being a dessicating vampire living only on a few drops of blood. The thought of it created a lump in his throat. If it hadn’t been for her , he’d still be chained in that chair , listening to that awful song. Kai caught up with her , taking her hand in his. Y/N seemed surprised but didn’t push it away. “You know , I like you much better in those clothes.” said Kai as they headed through the voult back to Mystic Falls. He looked at her from head to toe - jeans , a white top and moderately high high heels. “That dress you had on back in 1903 - it was cool and probably was all the rage a hundred a fourteen years ago , but…this century suits you.” “Thanks.” she smiled at the ground. “I like it better too. Definitely do not miss corsets.”

They walked in silence for a few minutes , taking a turn or two along the way. It wasn’t very dark , specially not with their cell phone’s flash lights. That had been a nice change from the early 20th century. If they had had to carry a torch around they probably would’ve ran out of oxygen in that tunel. “What happens when we get out ?” wondered Kai. “We go to see the world.” she smiled at him. “Together , the two of us.” “There is an us ?” he asked smiling. “Well , we are the only two heretics , unless we count Valerie.” replied Y/N. “Before , you know in 1903 , you said you didn’t get to live before they sent you away. I will make sure you the chance to live now. Keep you out of trouble .. or start trouble with you.” she winked at him. Kai laughed. “I’d like that very much. Being alone … is not as fun as people think.”

* * *

THE NEXT DAY

“Hurry up.” said Kai , pulling Y/N behind him. “Sorry , I can’t run in high heels in the woods.” she said trying not to laugh. “Do you have any idea what its like to run in heels?” “Um , no. I don’t.” said Kai trying to suppress a laugh. “And I have no intentions of finding out. Here , I’ll carry you if you want.” “Maybe some other time.” she smiled. “Are we there yet?” “Almost.” After figuring out the right spot to do the spell and siphoning pretty much all the magic at the Armoury it was time for them to try and get out. Kai felt more eager to get out than ever. Y/N had promised not to leave his side and to show him and teach him how to feed so he doesn’t kill anyone and they can go undetected. He had been worried that after getting out , he’ll be stuck all alone again but she had assured him that’s not going to happen. Almost at the old remains of Fells church , they stopped and Kai turned towards her , not letting go of her hand for an instant. He didn’t want to risk leaving her behind. Not after everything she had done for him. “Hold my hands.” he demanded and Y/N held onto him , glancing between the Ascendant and the tiny bottle with Bennett blood he had just poured on the device. “If this doesn’t work out - ” he started. “It will.” she smiled at him. “Be more optimistic.” “You be optimistic.” “Fine.” she laughed and Kai started laughing with her. “You remember the spell right ?” Y/N nodded. Kai had spent the entire night repeating it out loud over and over again , it had started driving her crazy around 3AM. At some point she wondered if somehow he’d teleport himself out of this place alone but he had spent the entire time repeating the spell , holding onto her hand. “Good.” he smiled , seeming to relax a bit. “Ready ?” Kai took a deep breath and both he and Y/N closed their eyes and started chanting the spell over and over again. At first nothing happened , but neither of them was willing to give up. There was no celestial event for them to channel , that had become clear to them. It all depended on the magic they had siphoned at the Armoury. Either they’d get out or they’ll spend eternity together. All of the sudden there was a little gust of wind blowing out of nowhere and when Y/N opened her eyes , they were standing on one of the streets like two blocks away from the Mystic Grill. Kai looked around smiling widely , wrapping his hands around Y/N quickly , muttering Invisique. “Wha-” “Sshhh…” he said , placing his hand on her mouth. Y/N stared at him with puzzled expression trying to figure out what was up and then she heard a familiar voice. Two familiar voices actually. A moment later Damon and Bonnie turned around the corner and walked right past them. Y/N’s eyes went wide.

“I bet Kai is happy now that he has company.” said Damon. “Wouldn’t it have been wiser to put her in another Prison World ?” “Why ?” asked Bonnie. “Its not like they can go anywhere.” Damon smirked at her just as they walked past Y/N and Kai.

Kai waited a few minutes until they were gone before letting go off Y/N. “Well … those two are up for a giant surprise if ever they decide to pay us a visit in the Prison World.” laughed Kai. Y/N laughed with him , taking his hand. All of the sudden her revenge fantasy didn’t matter. It took her a moment that it had been a few days since she had let go of that idea without even realising it. “Come on. It’s time for you to live your life to the fullest.” “One thing though …” trailed off Kai , pulling her back in vampire speed. He backed Y/N against one of the cars near by and smashed his lips on hers taking her breath away. “I should’ve done that in 1903.” he whispered smiling. Y/N bliked fast a couple of times, her eyes darting between his eyes and his smile. “Well , about time.” she smiled at him , pulling him in for another kiss.

[MASTERLIST March / April 2017] [MASTERLIST MAY 2017] [MASTERLIST JUNE 2017] [MASTERLIST - SMUT]

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book-n-bean · 5 years

Text

What would it be like without tv?

Every night, we put the tv on and watch it until it’s late or we’re too tired to stay up any longer.

Since when did everyone just switch on their tvs at night after dinner and just watch?

What’s it like without the tv? Without the noise? When you have to entertain yourself? Would you spend more time with the people you love, would you read more? Would kids do more homework just to have something to do?

I’m not saying I’m not grateful for technology, I just think it’s so sad to be in this position every night, it’s so empty and boring and sad.

It’s just going to get worse as I get older too. Everyone connected to technology more and more. How long will it take for our world to be made out of technology? We’re already working on trees that glow in the dark to provide light and save electricity?

I don’t know.

Lately I’ve just been feeling like life is so empty and sad and pointless, and maybe that’s me being a little depressed and hopeless; but it’s true. What should we be excited about in life? Our futures? Because our futures are the same as everyone else’s, there’s really not much we’ll do that other people havent. And of course, that doesnt mean we wont enjoy it, i dont know what it means.

Maybe there’s something wrong with me - I FEEL wrong. Like im so much more up in my head than i should be, but i cant figure out how to come back to earth. I cant even remember if this is normal, to spend so much time thinking; even when im talking to people, doing things, i’m in my head. It’s worse when im listening to music, or doing something that doesnt require concentration. Reading is a distraction, and watching things can be a distraction too; but then i feel strange when I stop doing those things. I feel blank and empty like there’s nothing waiting for me beyond the book or the screen. Like the world is so quiet, unturning, people are frozen out in the street where they were walking, smoke comes from the exhaust of cars...but they dont move. And then time just skips, and suddenly it’s a couple of hours later and ive lived and so have the people in the street, the frozen cars are different to the ones before and the light outside the window is different. I know i lived every moment that i seem to have skipped, and i can remember each and every one of those seconds, but it feels like nothing happened in them at all...

I think i need help, but it would be so hard to talk about this. No one would understand, they couldnt help...it’s like that feeling i used to get, where it felt like my cells were freezing, through my chest into my left arm, into my palm. It felt like my blood was freezing, and it hurt. It would throb through me, some kind of icy breeze, and then it would linger...then disappear. My counsellor didnt understand that, i cant remember what she said; but im sure i would have remembered if it had been useful or interesting/important.

What do i do? I feel like ive got so many problems, but maybe im not looking at the big picture. Maybe i’m looking at every individual problem as it hits me and they just keep banking up as i fail to immediately solve them. That’s another question though, how far do they bank up? Have i actually been solving any of my problems, or have i just been side-stepping them and saying “good enough”?

I know i need help...maybe, and maybe i want help...but how do i get it? Therapy has never helped me before, ive always been better off working things out on my own, talking to my mum about things to get them off my chest and then doing the rest on my own. Who do i get help from? What would it cost? I could go to a school therapist, but i’d have to skip class for that, it would get weird. I dont want to skip class - that would stress me out. And last time, the school counsellor didnt help, but then again, i cant remember having big problems the last time i went...i think i’d been dating james for 2 months when i went to her; that’s such a long time ago, around about now.

Maybe this is normal...it’s just being a teenager, right? I dont want to worry my mum either, im okay, im dealing with it; even if that means struggling...as long as im just dealing with it. Im trying to focus on music, i know i should be trying to focus on school but im not interested right now. School feels empty too, i go to a building, entertain myself on the bus twice a day, talk to people i call friends, sit through six classes and take notes, pretend to/actually listen, crush on people who dont notice me, and then i go home and do it all again the next day. For what? An education, to be social; whatever. See what i mean? Everything feels pointless.

Even my possibilities seem close-ended; my endless possibilities. Breaking up with James was meant to make me feel open, see all the options out there. It doesnt feel like that. Sometimes i get a flash of that feeling, realising that there are so many people to love in the world and I could probably have a lot of them...but that door is as closed as ever because of my crush on the boy who’s taken; my heart is already dedicated to him...and he’s going to have to break it. I dont want him to, but if im going to move on, he’ll have to break my heart first. Maybe it’ll be indirect, maybe i’ll do it for him, telling myself he’ll never notice me, that im not like her and she’s better than me, the simple fact that it probably means nothing when he looks at me, oh and the lack of him noticing me. Yea sure, we text a lot occasionally, when i start the conversation, we tease each other and joke, but at the end of the day, what does it really mean? Anything? I dont know.

That’s the answer to all of my questions: I don’t know.

I’m not going to get help, not yet. At least I know I’m not depressed, something’s wrong but it’s not that. Luckily, I’m not suicidal, and I don’t want to self-harm; I tried that. In the shower, with the shaving razor, two little red lines, running blood, the sting, it didnt feel good, it didnt help; and I regretted it, I wanted it to go away. I won’t be trying that again, at least not for a while.

I just don’t understand, when did this all happen? And why? What started it - and how do I stop it? Melbourne Music Tour was perfect, I felt alive again, life felt electric and full, lovely and full of opportunities, friendship, warmth; experience. It was 7 days. I had seven days of life. It has been almost 7 days since. I have had seven days of emptiness. I could say it’s a cycle, but it’s not. It was a long, flat line of nothing, and then a 7 day blip, a promising little heartbeat...the world has gone flat again.

I’m kind of getting sad writing this, negativity and all. And it’s not helping, I feel the same, fuzzy head, tired, bored, it’s late (11:07pm, so not really that late for me, but im still tired). Im surprised about how much ive written though, how all of this is just flowing and ive just been letting it all out; ive barely stopped.

Maybe i am a little depressed, sadness comes easily. I do feel sad, deep down, it hurts. And when i do feel sad I know it’s deep, it’s the kind of sadness that opens a ravine in your chest and makes you want to hug something close to you, tight, to close the gap, make it feel better; to have something to hold onto while you’re being ripped apart from the inside out; and when you have no one that’s a little hard to do.

I want to tell myself that I’ll be okay, the thought lingered in my head, but I don’t feel like I will be right now. Im not interested...in life? I dont want to die, i just dont feel interested in doing anything im doing, not really. Even my hobbies are all dropping away. What are my hobbies? I spent one day writing in the holidays and i havent since. I read a bit...but its not very fun. I havent painted anything for months, watching Glee is a good distraction, but its more a way to pass the time than a way to entertain myself. Music is my only real hobby, i enjoy it, i love playing guitar, feeling the song, learning piano, looking at sheet music, recording my voice memos on my phone; if anything can get me through, it’s music. Maybe that’s the way out. I’m planning on buying a proper microphone, to record myself and sing into and...ive been thinking about starting a youtube channel, to have somewhere to put all of the voice memos i record. Maybe people will like it, maybe i’ll like it. It feels like the only step, in any direction, that im planning on taking in my life right now; everything else seems blurred and slow motion, walled-off. Music seems like a road to follow...

I dont know how to end this, i dont know what to say at all. I feel like there’s a lot more to say, but i know ive already said a lot, and i also know that theres nothing else materialising in my head right now; just the distant feel of thoughts. Im scared as well, we just watched a movie, there were dead people in it, it was gory, scary; i didnt like it. So now im paranoid and scared. I’ll go sit in my room, against my headboard, with the wall next to me; it feels safe there.

Maybe i really do need help - i sound insane. Im not, im just going through stuff...maybe i’ll end up talking to mum about it, but for now im going to take the weekend to chill.

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theboykingofhell · 7 years

Note

9, 15, 16, 18, 26, 31, 32, 34, 41, 42, 45, 46, 47, 49, 51 for TSG, 54 :*

ricky found fucking dead in miami after looking at these PROMPTS,

9. Least favorite trope to write.

what a weirdly phrased question because if i hate it, i ain’t gonna write it... UHH. i really don’t like bringing dead characters back to life???? i don’t like writing scenes for shock horror... well, that’s a lie, i DO like to horrify the reader through my writing, but i don’t want to cheapen the emotional ~journey~ they go through by being like ‘JUST KIDDING! everything actually DOES work out in the end!!’

i have a story where narratively its kind of leading to a place where i have to make a ‘dead’ character come back (chaos actually, since i use her in red’s actual story) and it’s making me so mad like wtf thought we had a deal

15. Where does your inspiration come from?

SONGS... and just insp in general but i get a lot through music and nnnh... there’s just so many good aesthetics and quotes on my dash tbh i’m like constantly and consistently inspired, it’s great

16. Where do you take your motivation from?

imma be honest, the thing that motivates me most sometimes is either reading a rly shitty novel or seeing a shitty show and just getting livid and writing out of spite because THAT DRIVEL WAS PUBLISHED????? MY SHIT IS SO MUCH BETTER WTF... or i think to myself ‘what the fuck, what if i die tomorrow????? with my damn novel unfinished?!?!! HELL NO’... pretty much anything that reminds me that my stuff is Great but no one knows how great it is because it’s not DONE and OUT THERE yet makes me get off my ass

18. What’s your revision or rewriting process like?

depends! for books it mostly just consists of rereading after a long period of ignoring my story and just tweaking lines that seem out of place or that ruin the flow i’m imagining. if i’m rewriting, then i have two word documents out (which the program scrivener makes SO easy god BLESS that program) and just... rewrite it word for word while STARING at the old version. that always makes the prose come out slightly different, it smooths out stuff or lets me cut away or add things i really like and, most importantly, it adds length, which i tend to struggle with a lot because i like just being TO THE POINT

with playwriting though it’s mostly about the format.. i write all plays like i write everything online... in lowercase with little regard to actual grammar. so i gotta actually pretend i give a damn about the english language and format it all properly and add stage directions cuz in a first draft for plays, i always just focus on dialogue and that’s it

26. Standalone or series, and why?

standalones are far more fun and way more satisfying and, quite honestly, require way less fluff. i keep FORGETTING how much fluff is needed in a goddamn novel. MULTIPLE BOOKS OF FLUFF no FUCKING THANKS

31. Hardest character to write.

in the rp: tyler (because he dissociates in a way that literally cuts me off from? any parts of his character? which is like the ESSENCE of his character but it’s VERY unenjoyable to write tbh) and nicki (because i put too much pressure on myself to make her seem a certain way instead of letting it happen naturally)... tbh canon characters and/or characters that are based on people are generally just rly hard sometimes cuz there’s SO MUCH IMAGINED PRESSURE TO MAKE THEM GOOD!!!

in original shit: honestly i’m really tempted to say aaron and that’s just because he’s so... unlikeable to me???? but also i think it’s just because i’ve really only written one scene for him (i always write in order unless a scene is just KICKING MY ASS to write, like this particular scene) and... he seems like a Lot... of annoying bullshit to have to write out lmfao that bitch

32. Easiest character to write.

red because i’ve been writing him for like 7-9 years now, i would hope he’d be easy by now... honestly, really explosive and dramatic characters too like bert or nora come SUPER easy for me, they’re so fun to write (especially dialogue-wise) because they’re very emotional and i can get PARAGRAPHS based on one reaction. characters who try and hide shit from everyone, INCLUDING ME, are so annoying,

34. Handwritten notes or typed notes?

typed because they’re legible,,,,, but then again, my handwritten notes make more sense because they’re kind of fully crafted ideas like ‘***make nisha and aaron meet at 42nd street for transformation chap???’ while a typed note will be like... ‘42nd street+aaron’... what did that mean, ricky-at-5am... why did you do this to us

41. How many stories do you work on at one time?

two... kind of as a minimum, sort of as a maximum... like there’s usually the MAIN story and then there’s something i’m kind of doodling in the side, something that’s just sort of cooking in the backburner that i’m not too serious into the process of it, but it’s goin... i’ve never tried to do 3 stories at a time but i feel like my attention would be too divided and it wouldn’t work

42. How do you figure out your characters looks, personality, etc.

UHH........................................... i’m very fond of faceclaims cuz idk i just kind of... feel how they look... i don’t ever really envision a full person though, i get like traits... i’ll be like... oh she has long black hair and she’s not white and her eyebrows look like this... and then i’ll see a pic of pooja mor and be like THAT’S HER THAT’S EXACTLY IT. idk what it is about eyebrows and why that’s literally always the deciding factor of how a character looks, but there it is

personality just kind of... man, characters just poop out of me, i don’t decide any of this shit wtf jhsfjg

45. Worst piece of feedback you’ve ever gotten.

once someone told me to stop making the boys kiss in the first chapter of my story so i made the boys fuck instead

46. What would your story _______ look like as a tv show or movie?

scrolls WAY up... sees you didn’t add a story as a prompt WELL i’m still riding the tsg train here so

a tsg movie better look like the 90′s, goddamnit.. not like... found footage really, but i want something in the quality to be a little fuzzy and sort of tinted that one kind of grayish brown color i always associate with the 90′s for some reason... like, i can’t stop thinking about all these amber lighting and how dull everything looks, and how higher in quality things look the further and further it goes, like, it’s something i would concentrate a lot on visual cues with because i focus so much of the storytelling of tsg on nisha’s narration. sometimes you don’t know how many days have passed because nisha doesn’t know how many days have passed, if she dissociates, i’d want that shown on camera, if she keeps repeating the same number over and over again, i’d want to watch one little piece of a scene getting repeated again and again. it’d be VERY disorienting as a movie tbh but it’d be fun...

47. Do you start with characters or plot when working on a new story?

characters!!!! plot is such a backburner thing for me, if you have rly great characters, you already have a great plot right there. the plot is just set so i can see how characters react to things, man...

49. What do you find the hardest to write in a story, the beginning, the middle or the end?

THE MIDDLE, FUCK THE MIDDLE.... endings are literally the easiest thing for me, beginnings similarly so, it’s just getting from that BEAUTIFUL starting scene to that GORGEOUS ending that fucking kills my poor undeserving asshole

51. Describe the aesthetic of your story _______ in 5 sentences or words.

low-res pictures of old cemetaries... that’s five words right there, i’m sorry but the END IS IN SIGHT, I’M ALMOST FREE AND CANT BE BOTHERED

54. Any writing advice you want to share?

can’t stress how useful having an insp blog is... creating a story through the unconscious collection of pictures and quotes that just feel relavant is just SO useful not just when it comes to really constructing a character an an atmosphere to your story, but making a fucking plot????? my tsg blog is like my most perfect insp blog because i got the idea to seperate it by chapters, and i’ve found that i can literally just... go into the chapter tags... and make connections and build on plotlines that i had NO IDEA ABOUT when i made or filled those tags, IT’S REALLY FUN and it keeps me inspired to write

#i did not proofread this at all cuz OOP IM DROWNING HERE...#w #mmementommori #ask tag

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fatesinthenight · 7 years

Text

Autumn (part 18)

Bron didn't hesitate, he instantly jumped in. He dives in and sees Autumn slowly sinking down into the water. He makes it to her and wraps a arm around her and swims back up. He lifts his head from the water breaking the surface bringing Autumn up with him. He makes it to the rocks and River is already there leaning over and taking Autumn in his arms to place her on the grass. Bron gets up and leans over her, he listens for a heartbeat.

He hears nothing...

"No not now!" Bron leans in and starts to give Autumn mouth to mouth. He presses on her chest to get her heart going. He doesn't stop and River and Tomis watch him not knowing what to do. Bron keeps going but still hears nothing. "You Are Not Doing This To Me!!" Bron is getting frustrated.

Footsteps rush to them. Sharon gasps and Katherine rushed beside Autumn's side. "Why is this happening... Why wasn't I with her... Don't do this Autumn please.." Katherine is shaking and tearing up.

Lori walks in soon with Missy and Penny. She looks at Bron frantically working on Autumn with little success. "Your highness you need to stop. Her heart has stopped beating for a while now."

"No!" Bron gives Autumn air again.

"Your Highness please. You need to let me work on her now." Lori speaks calmly.

Bron refuses. "If I stop I will lose her! I cant pause for a second." He refuses to listen to anyone stuck in his own bubble.

Lori sits beside him and give him a look. "Bron please. Let me do this. I know it will hurt her but it has to be done."

Bron stops reluctantly and Lori has her hand over Autumn's chest like she did with Tomis. She slowly moves it up and thats when the pain hits. Autumn feels a shock that makes her conscious again and feels a heavy mass forming in her body. Like all the water she took in is gathering together in one spot. The pain was that Lori moving it up to her mouth slowly. She felt like she was choking and started kicking. Bron was holding her down so she wouldn't move and Katherine was holding her legs down to keep her still. If she were to move to much Lori could lose control over the water and it could flow back into her body, choking her more and killing her. It felt so painful feeling the ball of water make its way up her throat and she had tears coming down her face. It felt like hours and then finally Lori had the water out and had it in her hand in a orb. Autumn had taken in so much water from the pond and Lori tossed it and it spattered on the ground. even if the water was out Autumn instantly went back to her original limb state and her heartbeat died off from the shock.

Bron scooped her up in his arms and cradled her moving her hair out of her face. " Why don't I hear a heartbeat... Lori her heart should be beating now."

"The shock must have stopped it. She is human so this is very painful procedure. Humans are more fragile than us." Lori saids softly.

Everyone is waiting for Autumn's heart to start beating. Every second is agony and makes them worry more. Katherine is tears pouring out and Sharon is holding onto River. Tomis is hoping for something while Penny and Missy are huddled together. Bron puts his had on Autumn's cheek, she feels so cold. He feels like he can't breathe and is slowly losing it every second that goes by that he hears silence. "Please wake up. Please..." Bron whispers to her.

Thump

Bron hears it.

Thump Thump

Everyone looks at Autumn eyes wide. After what seemed like a century Autumn takes a breath. Her chest rises and falls slowly. Her eyes flutter open slowly. Everything she sees looks like a blur but can make out figures. She feels something hold her close and move her to hold closer but softly. She feels a hand running through her hair slowly and carefully. She wants to speak but cant feeling so weak. She cant make out the voices she hears and they sound fuzzy to her.

She feels herself being lifted and cared off but still can't make herself fully wake up. While being carried off she knocks out again. She tries to wake up again but can't still but feels she is in bed and can slightly hear others around her. She feels someone holding her hand softly and patting it. It could be Sharon Autumn thought, because she always does that to her. Then she knocks out. She has her eyes slightly open but still cant bring herself to move. This time she feels someone laying beside her and another person brushing her hair from her face then giving a kiss on the head. It would be Katherine laying with her, she always did that when Autumn would get sick and she look after her at night. As for the other person she smelled fresh baked bread so that could have been her brother. Soon she felt a hot cloth on her head and could head two sets of footsteps walking around moving things. that could be Penny and Missy taking care of her. She then feels someone tug the covers on her more and another person lays a hand on her head. From that hand her feels calmer, Autumn realizes this must be River relaxing her and Tomis is trying to keep her warm.

One feeling she always has constantly is that someone is holding her. Someone is nestling into her neck and had a arm wrapped around her. Sometimes a hand continues to brush her hair and stoke her cheek with their thumb. She would feel a kiss on her cheek or her head too but she knows its not from Katherine because it feels different. Autumn does not know who this could be.

Finally she wakes up. She opens her eyes fully and blinks a couple of times to adjust. Looking around she is in her room in bed and a set of night clothes. The curtains at the window were closed so there was hardly and light. She sat up slowly, her head feeling slightly heavy. Autumn moves to get off the bed but when she tries to stand her knees buckle and she plops on the bed again. Her legs feel weak for some reason like she hadn't walked for weeks. Her door opens and Penny and Missy are surprised to see her.

"Autumn your awake!" Missy is surprised at the door and Penny comes to Autumns side to help her stand.

"How long have I been asleep?" Autumn looks at both maids. They don't answer right away but Penny looks at Autumn carefully.

"It has been two weeks..." Penny said as gently as possible.

"Two weeks!" Autumn feels like she is panicking. "Why was I asleep for so long?"

"Well when Lori treated you it took more out of you than we thought. For demons this will only make them sleep for three to four days if most. Tomis is really strong so he recovered faster." Penny explains. When she mentions Tomis she is slightly pink.

Just as she finished Katherine walks in with Sharon. Katherine doesn't speak and only rushes to Autumn and hugs her. "Autumn... your ok... I thought I lost you." Katherine snuggles her.

"Im ok Katherine." Autumn hugs her back rubbing her back. "It's ok now."

"We were so worried about you. Every day you didn't get up be grew more concerned." Sharon saids softly.

"Im fine now. I feel weak though." Autumn holds onto Katherine for support.

Bron walks in looking at Autumn. He doesn't say anything nor show any real expression. But he has the biggest urge to push everyone out of the way and hold her. "You are wake." He saids slowly.

"Our sleeping beauty has woken from her slumber." River leans in at the doorway.

Tomis peaking in the room smiling happily. "Autumn im glad your awake now."

"How are you feeling?" Bron asks seriously.

"My body feels weak but other than that I'm fine." Autumn smiles weakly. "Actually I would like to take a bath if anyone doesn't mind."

Bron wants to help her walk but before he can say anything Katherine already helps her out. Bron watches as Autumn is led to take a bath by Katherine and Sharon, missy and Penny following behind. They go into the bathroom with her and close the door. Bron instantly remembers seeing Autumn's bare back, he holds in his feelings on that.

"Are you jealous Sharon get to see your wife before you." River teases Bron.

Bron sighs. "No."

"Sure. Just asking because I can feel your emotions right now and they are screaming with love." River nudges Bron.

Bron glares at River. River puts his hands up in surrender as Tomis chuckles softly.

Bron walks away from them and they follow behind. He doesn't say it but he is very relieved that Autumn is awake now. However now that she is up he will miss one thing. He will have to get used to not going into her room at night and keeping an eye on her to see if she will wake up. He didn't mean to start laying beside her but for some reason he just felt like doing it. Snuggling up to her and brushing the hair from her face. Every morning before he left he always stopped and gave her a kiss on the head or cheek. So many times he was going for her lips but he stopped because if he was to actually kiss her he wanted her to be awake hoping she kiss him back.

#autumn #demon #demon bride #demon kisses #story #fantasy

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sketchyprincessartblog · 7 years

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1-25 Tell me everything.

Okay, im gonna do the main 4 ocs I have rn because those are the ones I have the most fleshed out for! Also gonna put it under a readmore because ho my god that's gonna be a LOT of text lmao

Kai

1. (their voice) Kai's voice is high-pitched and raspy due to her constant yelling and screaming. There is also a level of charisma too it, but its hard to explain. Its like her voice is so weird that you can't help but listen.

2.(their smile) Her smile is big, wide, and mischievous! Pair that with her many rows of shark like teeth and it can be very off-putting; she tries not to smile but her personality makes it almost impossible. However, one you get to know her, you can tell the difference between a fake smile and a genuine one.

3.(their greatest achievement) Kai considers her greatest achievement to be her magical prowess; her skill with her water magic is advanced for her age. She definitely likes to show off, haha.

4.(their insecurities) While she may act tough and arrogant, its just a façade to mask her low self worth and depression. As the queen/future queen she is terrified of failure; how can she lead others when she can't even help herself? Like I mentioned before, shes also insecure of her looks, because they give away that shes possessed.

5. (their shortcomings) Her ability to control her impulses is practically non existant lmao, she'll just straight up jump off the roof of the castle if she feels like it (which is a lot). Also her ego gets her into quite a bit of trouble as well. And her anger is a problem too; if she cant control it it becomes like a hulk situation. This is part of the reason she drinks, it numbs her senses.

6.(how they deal with grief) haha, that's a good one. Kai doesn't deal with grief she just drinks or does more dangerous shit to take her mind off of it. Or she'll just scream and wreck stuff; either way it ends up being more harmful than helpful.

7.(how they like to dress) Kai would prefer to dress in clothes that are easy to move in like pants or shorts; things that fit tight and have little resistance. But because shes royalty, sterling makes sure she at least dresses the part (much to her annoyance; she doesn't seen the point in all the ornamentation and frills. She does find them pretty, just not on her.

8.(what they like to eat) Anything that she can rip apart like meat and stuff. She loves using those teeth lol

9.(their theme) I think this means what their character is based around, but if im wrong please correct me. Kai's theme is embracing femininity, learning to grieve, and learning to be an independent person.

10.(their fashion sense) Like mentioned earlier sterling picks out most of her clothes for her, so her fashion sense stems from his (and she hates it lmao)

11.(their family life) Her mother died when she was 10, and she has no other siblings. Her father is too busy running the kingdom to pay attention to his daughter. Sterling and her have the best relationship (they were inseparable those first 10 years) but after the queens death and kais subsequent possession, things have become very strained.

12.(their romantic life) HAHAHA. Yeah no shes demi ace and terrified of emotional intimacy and commitment. If she did flirt, she'd be pretty good at it, but she's kinda oblivious about that kinda thing. People often mistake her charm and charisma as romantic interest, but she's just very friendly.

13.(their embarrassing memory from years ago) The most embarrassing thing to happen to her so far, is that sterling is the one who saw her covered in blood and possessed. Its a fuzzy memory at best, but she remembers enough for it to be painful.

14.(how they react to burning their tongue on food) Lots of choking and cursing, occasionally followed by yelling at whoever made the food. And if shes feeling particularly stupid that day, she'll just down the rest of it, hoping it burns her mouth even more.

15.(how they react to a brainfreeze) She's never had anything that cold before, but if she did there would also be lots of cursing, followed by her immediately drinking/eating as fast as she can to make it happen again lol

16.(their dreams) She dreams of being able to go to the ocean; her mother promised she'd take her when she got older (they live very far away from any large body of water much less an ocean) She also dreams of being free from the restrictions of being royalty and just being able to do whatever she wants.

17.(their ambitions) Her main ambition is to find a way to put her heart back into her chest (it was literally cut out of her and put into a box) and get rid of the ghost possessing her.

18.(how they sleep) She sleeps most of the day and stays up during the night. Its not restful sleep by any means, but its all she can get. She has constant nightmares and also its hard to sleep when theres an other worldly entity watching you 8)

19.(their reaction to betrayal) She avoids relationships for this very reason (but it still happens), she just shuts down completely; no talking, no crying, nothing but heavy silence.

20.(their reaction to a mystery love letter) She'd act all "of course! one of my many admirers'!" then when she's alone, she furiously tries to figure out who and why lol.

21.(how they react to pain) Because of complications from the possession she is hyper sensitive to pain (the ghost possessing her did this to try and prevent her from doing anything dangerous to increase her magic power, but jokes on her it backfired) So while it may seem likes she's being overdramatic, that would be the one time she's actually not over exaggerating.

22.(what they're like on two hours of sleep) Wired as shit. Anything can set her off, and she talk super fast too, like she's had 12 cups of coffee or something.

23.(how they act when they're sick) She can't actually get sick, again the ghost prevents it. She needs a healthy, preferably young host to completely thrive, so she makes sure that the host gets sick as little as possible and that they stay young as long as possible. It's why kai is so small, her growth is stunted.

24.(what motivates them) Her want to take back control over her life and fix the damage she has caused to others through her reckless and selfish behavior (on a smaller scale) her flaw of being a people pleaser.

25.(why do you enjoy them) I enjoy her because she reminds me a lot of myself, both currently and how I used to be. Shes the first oc I ever created and gave backstory and a personality to; shes my shark baby ;v;

Sterling

1. His voice is smooth and rich like chocolate (he is my hot character okay let me have this). He has a medium pitch voice that is gentle and kind, while still remaining authoritative and firm. He loves to sing and has an amazing voice (honestly wish I had an example but I haven't found one yet)

2. He has a smile that radiates pure gentleness and sunshine and he smiles often! He doesn't believe that all knights have to be boring and stuffy, and he likes to use his kindness to challenge that.

3. This is gonna be so sappy but his greatest achievement in his own words is "watching kai become her own person".

4. He worries constantly that he has failed at his job as a knight to the royal family. He blames himself for the queens death and kais downward spiral. He also has scars that he is self conscious of ( kais the only one whos seen them, and even that was an accident)

5. Sterling can be a bit too controlling when it comes to kai, it comes from a place of love, but its also his way of dealing with this resentment towards kai. He is also an enabler and allows reckless and unhealthy behavior to continue because its easier to not confront it. And his fear of blood is debilitating as well.

6. He'll usually allow himself to cry, but only in private. He usually bottles up his emotions so he doesn't burden others or takes his aggression out by sparring.

7. Sterling has a uniform to wear like the other knights, but even when not on duty his clothes very much give away that hes a knight. He dresses solely for function; if he can work and get around in them hes perfectly fine.

8. Sterling loves bread, like im pretty sure he'd marry it if he could. However because of his knight status and pride in his own appearance, he has to resist and make himself eat a healthy diet lol.

9. Sterling's theme is family, or rather, even if you aren't blood related you can still be family. And that sometimes things are out of your control and that's okay.

10. He has pretty good fashion sense, he can figure what looks good on someone just by looking at them. He always looks impeccably dressed himself but prefers a minimalist style.

11. Sterling has a huge family! He has several siblings (some he's related to, some not) but I haven't decided how many yet. And he has two loving parents that are very supportive of his career choice (his mother still worries though).

12. Sterling has no time for romance, plus hes not interested (that doesn't stop people from flirting however); hes aroace :)

13. Probably when he was first actually assigned to take care of kai as a baby. He hade no idea what do and had to ask several of the other knights and servants to help him (some of them won't let him live it down either)

14. Just look at the "this is fine" meme and you'll have your answer

15. Same as above lol

16. He dreams of traveling and helping people all over the world, and also seeing kai grow and develop into her own person.

17. He wants to be the best knight ever (but he'd never actually say that shhhh) at least that's all I have for him haha

18. His sleep schedules kinda screwed because if theres a problem with kai, he has to handle it, no one else will. Plus he's naturally a early riser, so the amount of sleep he can get varies. He's a light sleeper as well.

19. (why would you betray him how could you) But betraying him will land you on his shit list and he will be as petty as possible; passive aggressive might as well be his middle name.

20. He's just kinda like "aw that's sweet" and never think about it again. He might share them with kai if theyre interesting enough. Honestly you'd be better of just telling him to his face how you feel, so he won't ignore you that way.

21. He has a pretty high pain tolerance; being a knight you have to be able to take damage and get right back up again, and he's gotten pretty good at that.

22. Same as usual honestly, maybe a little more drowsy but that's it.

23. He'll probably hide that he's sick lmao, he doesn't like being taken care of. He could be hacking up a lung and still refuse medicine like "don't worry about me im fine haha :D"

24. He wants to make a difference in the world, create a legacy to leave behind.

25. I enjoy him because I've always loved straight laced by the books characters, they're such dorks and I love it haha. Plus hes my pretty boy UwU

Elysia

1. Her voice is low and quiet; it commands the listeners attention. She developed this trait because she usually talks to animals who are more perceptive of tonal inflections than people are. She can sing as well, but it's more of a warble than actually singing, but it still sounds beautiful.

2. Elsyia rarely ever smiles, unless she's talking to animals (even then it can vary depending on which animals show teeth as a sign of aggression) but when she does its a nice small slight smile.

3. Her greatest achievement is the fact that she's still alive; everyday it takes all her strength to get up and keep moving.

4. Like with Kai a lot of her insecurities stem from the way she looks; people aren't exactly willing to be nice to demons. She also worries she's going to seriously hurt someone with her lightning magic.

5. Her paranoia and anxiety are her main problems (while they are not necessarily something she can always control, they do affect her perception and decisions).

6. She'll most likely isolate herself or just flat out leave for several days. She comes back but you can see something is still wrong when you look at her eyes (jesus Christ none of my characters know how to grieve)

7. Anything that's flowy and lets her breath is her favorite. Due to her blood being super heated plasma her body temp is waaaay higher than normal, so her lack of clothing is an effort to not over heat.

8. Elysia is a vegetarian! She doesn't want to hurt animals :( Also the effort to find plants to eat is less when you're constantly roaming than finding and capturing an animal to eat.

9. Elyisa's theme is self-acceptance and learning to put trust in others.

10. I imagine her as being pretty fashion forward but due to her body temp and money issues she just kinda wears whatever.

11. She's an only child, her father left her an her mother when she was young so she became the sole provider for the two of them. Unfortunately her and her mother are now separated.

12. Nope no nah no way. Like sterling she has no time and its not something she ever considered (until she meets kai of course >u>) But she's ace as well!

13. When she tried to catch a cow and ended up almost destroying the entire marketplace she lived at.

14. She can't feel it probably, so she'll just keep eating like normal.

15. She gets these a lot because of her need to consume cold things to stay comfortable, so she'll just wait till it goes away then resume eating at a slower pace.

16. Her dreams are to be financially stable (like that's it, she is a broke college student someone help her).

17. Basically the same as above (at least as of now)

18. She has insomnia so she sleeps two hours at a time if that, usually in trees or caves around a campfire. Very light sleeper with frequent night terrors.

19. She expects it at this point, it would still hurt, but she'd act like it was no big deal.

20. She'd wonder who was playing such a mean trick on her :(

21. She's kinda numb at least on her right side??? Cuz that's where she was struck by lightning so she has nerve damage on that side. So she has a normal pain tolerance with the exception of her right side.

22. Normal; irritable, grouchy, and curt.

23. She's a big baby when she's sick lol, but she doesn't want people to take care so she'll just suffer alone

24. Money at this point, she's trying to fill a void, but she's not having any luck, I think it's part of the reason why her motivations and ambitions seem so vague or unfulfilling; she doesn't know what she wants.

25. I love her design the most out of all of them, plus I love writing grumpy characters who have a secret heart of gold

Andie/Andrea

1. Andie's voice is calm and monotone almost as if they have to force a certain tone to their voice. Andie sounds like how a doctor does; brief curt sentences and frank attitude. Yet they sound like silk drifting in the breeze, it confuses anyone who tries to talk to them. When they become more "vocal" a raspyness makes itself known and suddenly all feelings of safety and security are gone and their voice becomes dark and cold.

2. Like with Andie's voice, their smile also seems artificial at further inspection; its almost too perfect, too inviting. It's a trap that most don't realize they are walking into.

3. Andie's greatest achievement is their biomechanical body parts; they pride themselves on being the peak of human and medical technology.

4. Andie worries that there's always someone better, someone smarter, faster, stronger; and that they exist is unacceptable. Andie fears death like most others do not, having escaped it once makes them never want to go through it again. However; their confidence in themselves to make sure that never happens is hanging on by a thread (much like every other aspect of them)

5. They are emotionally and physically abusive on top of being a manipulator with homicidal tendencies and a fragile psyche. Like I said, they're hanging on by a thread.

6. Andie does not deal with grief, at least not anymore. Now it's someone else's problem.

7. They dress to cover any "inhuman" aspects of themselves such as the metal limbs and spine andie has made for themselves.

8. Andie doesn't really eat, they considered it a waste of time. But they do remember the taste of the stew their mother always made...

9. Andie's theme is more of a warning than anything; do not let your experiences and fears consume you or you will be lost to them forever.

10. Andie doesn't care, if it's not related to their work it's not important enough.

11. Andie had a mother and father, but they burned to death in a fire. Now the only "family" (and I use this term loosely) andie has is her two assistants.

12. Andie has no concept of romance, but will use it if it is advantageous to them. Again another frivolous human concept as far as they're concerned.

13. They've erased most of their childhood memories from years of experimenting with their own brain; the more it made andie feel, the quicker it was removed.

14. They can't taste really since their tongue is artificial like most of the rest of them. Andie would get more upset at the fact that the food might be hot enough to damage the material they are made out of.

15. They'd be confused and angry at how useless such a reaction is; they'd probably try to rewire it later.

16. To never die and be an immortal. It's what they have devoted their life too.

17. Same as above, although andie does want to bring back their dead parents.

18. Lmao andie is half cyborg they do not sleep, but like with everything else other people do, they fake it to appear human.

19. Hoo boy that is something you do not under any circumstances want to do. Andie takes is as a very personal offense and will have no qualms about severely hurting someone for it.

20. "what is this? a love letter for me? Aww, how disgusting~"

21. Inhumanly high pain tolerance after years of body modifications; you could take out their eye and they'd be more upset about how much it took to make the eye than actually losing a fucking eye.

22. Normal; still off their rocker.

23. Don't get sick, but occasionally parts will malfunction or fail in which there is a lot of groaning and "fucking serious? again?"

24. Their fear of death and the unknown and bringing back their parents.

25. I don't enjoy andie per say, but they're therapeutic to write in a way? I dunno it's just nice having all these horrible traits in one character and it just gives me a way to vent about the shit ive had to go through. They are not meant to be enjoyed, andie was created to be a projection of the way ive been treated. I also want to say I don't condone any of andie's behavior nor do I intend to romanticize it. (And also I use they for andie not because they are agender or to demonize agender people, but as a reflection of andie's view of themselves. They see themselves as greater than male or female, so their pronouns reflect that. However, if anyone has a batter alternative please let me know :) )

Oh my god this literally took hours but it was so worth it! Thank you again for these asks it was very sweet of you (thank you for letting me be the attention gremlin that I am lol)

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