#take that thing that overcomes my family members one by one and makes them live in the woods and become paranoid of everything

[fairycosmos]

hi, just curious if you're able to answer this, what happened with becca? currently struggling with a sibling with addiction issues and wanted to get some perspective

she'd been on and off drugs experimentally/recreationally since she was like 17, but when the pandemic hit in 2020 she spiralled very quickly over the course of a few months into addiction which was worsened by her dating (and moving the guy into our house) another person struggling with severe addiction. we tried to kick him out when she got bad but they basically went out onto the streets together so we had to let them back in. to make a long story much shorter she was on a lot more shit than we realised, she choked in her sleep on aug 25 2020 and had a cardiac arrest. cpr didn't help, her shitty boyfriend didn't help, nothing helped. it was too late basically. all of this is messed up and blurry in my head so there's much more to it than that but that's the gist of it. in the weeks leading up i tried tirelessly to talk to her about it, mostly over text even though we were all living in the same house but in seperate rooms due to covid at the time. i would send her these big walls of text about how this wasn't right and how bad things were and she would agree but basically just mollify me, lie to me etc though i do believe that having those conversations was nessecary. just letting her know that i understand, that i'm here, that i know she's scared and in immense pain but that we can make small steps in the right direction together etc. while also being almost harsh and upfront about the harm she is causing and the way she was hurting herself and everyone around her. she had a doctor's appointment booked the week after she died to talk about the drugs and i do think she intended on going, but she was just such a mess. i don't have any concrete advice because it felt so hopeless at the time, talking to her was like talking to a brick wall. i was so fucking angry and upset about her situation and the way she was that it was hard to even interact with her sometimes. the spiral was so fast with her and that made it so difficult to guage what to do. but if you can continue talking to them on a human level, bringing up examples of their recent behaviour that has crossed the line, pushing for the idea of seeing a professional/local addiction resources or hotlines, then that's all you can do. i know how hard this is on you too and i know it is a special type of exhausting and endless hell to love an addict. all you can do is try your best not to facilliate the addiction while doing what you can to support getting them into recovery. there are a lot of addiction centers, support groups and hotlines that offer advice and support for loved ones - i would really encourage you to seek those out for more professional and exstensive guidance. i really hope they get clean eventually and i reall hope you're taking care of yourself and being kind with yourself throughout this whole thing. i'm really sorry it's happening to you, your sibling and your family. please know i'm here if you ever need a friend or someone to vent to about it. x

supporting someone with addiction / how to help an addict without enabling / helping someone who is misusing drugs or alcohol/ info about interventions / how to help a friend or family member with addiction / tips for supporting someone recovering from addiction/overcoming drug addiction

#anon #tw drugs #tw addiction #ask chloe #tw death

[iknowwhereyousleepatnight]

forgor to put something really expensive and cool on my wishlist for my weirdly money-having relatives that forget we exist unless they’re buying christmas presents (we don’t even do christmas lmao) or trying to convert us to christianity (we’re too cynical for religion lmao. it just doesn’t stick) so for christmas i got 10 usb drives. yippee. i’m going to keep 10 copies of my tumblr blog and all the fanfic i’ve saved and all the things i’ve totally legally downloaded so that i can keep them around the house and on my body at all times

#this is bc i’m paranoid btw. if u even care #like a month or so ago i was freaking the fuck out bc i was convinced the internet would go down and i would never be able #to access a bunch of things and i became convinced that i needed to download all the fic on ao3 to keep safe #and download all the copies of every book i’ve ever loved. and my digital art #and then print them all out and keep them in a hoard and have usb drives just in case #like i was lost in the sauce lmao #but at least i wasn’t convinced i was dying that time #so i see no reason not to carry out this plan #i should get money so i can buy a self-sustaining house in the woods and live as a hermit who hoards things and never leaves ever #ah fuck. wait no. shit. ugh #i can’t do that bc i will be giving in and becoming just like my stupid awful horrible relatives #ugh. is paranoia and the instinct to become a conspiracy-driven hermit something that can run in a family #bc i have multiple cases. they aren’t even related!! i have it in both sides. ah shit. now i’ve gotta break the curse or smth #nvm them. i will live not in the woods and i will hoard my things in a nice space near people so i don’t lose touch with reality #take that thing that overcomes my family members one by one and makes them live in the woods and become paranoid of everything

[wistfulcynic]

a non-izzy-centric reading of the events of season two

i didn't really want to get into this because it's so, so tiresome and i'd rather talk about the things i loved about this season. Poison, positivity, etc. But.

reading this post about people doubting their own judgement due to the overwhelming noise from Izzy stans along with a rewatch of season two from start to finish made me realise that i too had been influenced by a year and a half of being intensely frustrated by people insisting so loudly that OFMD was in fact the Izzy Hands Show. My initial issues with S2 mostly stemmed from overcompensating for that by resenting any development of Izzy on the screen because i did not want it to feed those people. Which meant that i also was centring Izzy in a way that he should not be centred! i was letting their noise lead me to read him as far more important than he actually is.

So i looked back at several points from the season that had me feeling uncomfortable and which, from a cursory browse through the Izzy tag i've concluded his stans see as a contradiction or a betrayal or something and re-evaluated them from the perspective of Izzy not being a main fucking character.

point one: "He's our dick."

When Archie (a newcomer and therefore a fairly effective audience stand-in for anyone not balls deep in fandom bullshit) asks Jim why they're going to so much trouble for Izzy, who she has immediately clocked as "kind of a dick", Jim gives this response. Which, if you think Izzy is important, may read as an expression of reluctant fondness. But then, Jim continues: "There was a time when life meant something on this ship. When we lived for each other, not just to survive." These lines are punctuated by a flashback to the famous Revenge crew found-family Renaissance-painting moment. Jim is nostalgic for the "good old days" of the Revenge under Stede's people-positive management style. It is out of respect for that (seemingly) lost way of life that they take the trouble for Izzy, not for Izzy himself. They'd have done the same for anyone, because they desperately want life to matter again. Izzy, as the person whose gamy leg is a direct result of his threatening Ed and bringing the kraken era down on all of them, is simply the one whose life happens to be on the line.

(honestly, i love this from Jim, who was one of Stede's boldest detractors in season one and still the crew member most likely to call him out on his bullshit. That's your "reluctant fondness" moment right there.)

point two: the new unicorn

apparently Izzy stans see the gift of the unicorn leg prosthetic as a symbol of deep love and respect from the crew to Izzy. Which is an absolutely wild reading when you look at what led up to it.

There's tension on the ship. Divisions. Lucius is chain-smoking and jump-scared by his own shadow. Jim, Archie, Frenchie, and Fang are overcome by guilt over their mutiny and frantically scrubbing nonexistent blood from the deck in what is a fantastically darkly funny Lady Macbeth moment for them. Izzy is sloppy drunk and yelling nonsensical abuse at the unicorn masthead. Roach, Pete, Oluwande, and Wee John make a well-intentioned but ill-conceived attempt to bring everyone back together (i say "everyone" but Izzy, significantly, is not included) which leads to them all being at each other's throats in the sort of mutually-assured-destruction configuration that starts world wars. It's a great scene. Izzy is not a part of it.

until he interrupts them, throws the unicorn legs at them and in his drunken clumsiness breaks his prosthetic. He then pointedly refuses their offers of assistance and drags himself away along the floor by his arms.

my friends. This is peak pathos. The crew do not respect Izzy in this moment, they feel sorry for him. They realise that he's worse off than any of the rest of them and that knowledge brings them back together. Making the unicorn prosthetic is barely about Izzy at all. It's about the crew coming together, repairing the rifts in their found family and as a bonus helping out their grumpy second cousin who doesn't really want to be there but has nowhere else to go. It's also a very generous offer of a new place on the ship--as the new unicorn--and a fresh start. Because that's what life on the Revenge is. For everyone.

point three: la vie en rose

much has been made of Izzy putting on drag makeup and singing at the Calypso birthday party, and fair enough. That's a big character development point for him. i don't hate it, though i wish there'd been more build-up to it, a longer conversation between Izzy and Wee John at least (insert obligatory "fuck Max" here) but regardless, if we accept Izzy's amputated leg as cutting off his old self and replacing it with the unicorn then we can arrive at a place where he's able to participate in a drag performance without too much cognitive gymnastics.

i've written before about the curious choice to have Izzy sing La Vie En Rose in French (after he initially sang it in English) at the very moment when Ed and Stede are having sex for the first time. On first watch i felt viscerally troubled by it, it felt like a validation of the obsessive psychosexual reading of Izzy's feelings for Ed. Looking at the season as a whole, it feels more like a (cringy, creepy, waaaay over the line) attempt on his part to signal approval for Ed and Stede's relationship. Especially when taken in conjunction with his (super creepy, like wtf who greenlit this) interruption of their breakfast in bed the next morning to make a ham-fisted innuendo. Weird but okay i guess, it's not like Izzy and social niceties have ever gone hand in hand.

many people point to the drag scene as the crew embracing Izzy and welcoming him as one of them. Again, i don't disagree. But, also again, this is not specific to Izzy. This is just what they do. They also embraced Archie with her snake-cult stories, they re-embraced Ed (who yes, they do love, refutations of arguments that they don't love Ed are a whole other essay though) and later they embrace Zheng and Auntie and also Jackie who once stole their savings jar and threatened to cut off their noses. That's what they do! They embrace people! That's what the show is about!

point four: the death scene

i have to be honest, i still hate this. i don't hate that Izzy died, i hate that he died in Ed's arms with Ed calling him his only family. That still feels unearned to me, and alas was probably another victim of the shortened season. But even with this extremely kind and forgiving death scene, the stans are not satisfied! They feel that the entire crew should have been gathered round, assuring Izzy of their profound love for him. There should have been weeping at the funeral, wailing and gnashing of teeth, rending of garments etc. It's what he deserves as such a beloved member of the crew!

except he wasn't beloved. He was accepted, yes. Welcomed, even. But acceptance is a far cry from love. Cheering as someone sings a song at a party does not mean you feel ready to weep at their deathbed or proclaim your undying affection for them.

yet even so, the crew are visibly distraught at his death scene. There are tears in many eyes! But effusive declarations of feeling from any one of them other than Ed would have felt (to anyone not convinced Izzy is the main character) completely wrong and very weird. You can headcanon what you like to fill the gaps in canon but on screen we have seen very few meaningful interactions between Izzy and any of the existing crew aside from Fang and Lucius and to a lesser extent Wee John. Izzy's primary relationship with another character is with Ed and so, as much as i still don't like it, Ed is the only one who has any real reason to be at Izzy's side as he dies.

as for the brevity of the funeral and the fact that they went straight from it to Pete and Lucius's wedding instead of having, idk, a prolonged wake at which everyone speaks at length about how important Izzy was to them, i mean. Obviously that wasn't going to happen. More than enough screen time had already been given to a side character who spent most of it either being miserable himself or making others so. It was time for the rest of them to find some moments of joy. As Izzy himself said, not moving on is worse.

in conclusion, i'd like to address the people saying that Izzy should have lived so he could continue his arc of self-discovery and sure, that would have been great--on the Izzy Hands Show. But OFMD is about Ed and Stede and Izzy had served his purpose in their story. i feel certain there will be copious fanfics to soothe anyone who feels Izzy was shortchanged.

on the show, though, he was treated in a very logical and foreseeable way as the antagonist who was able to see the light at the end but not necessarily to thrive in such a well-lit environment. Literature (by which i mean also films and tv) abounds with examples of this sort of character. They see the error of their ways but they are too stuck in them, shaped by them, to exist comfortably in any other way. They help bring about change to benefit others and not for themselves, that is the bittersweet beauty of their endings.

Izzy let Ed go. He embraced the softer parts of himself. He died surrounded by people who may not have loved him but at least accepted him as one of their own and felt genuine sorrow about his passing. That is a satisfying narrative end for a reformed antagonist! If you truly feel that he was shortchanged by it then you have forgotten what show you're watching and what sort of character he was.

Izzy Hands: not the main character, still an interesting one, absolute nightmare, what a guy.

#our flag means death #ofmd meta #ofmd season two #izzy critical #the izcourse #izzy hands meta #sorry not sorry to people who are going to hate this post but writing it has been therapeutic for me #i'm tired of hating a character on a show i love so much so i shall go back to thinking of him as the nasty rat man and focusing on faves #saira has Thoughts

[akookminsupporter]

Namjoon gave a good interview to Vogue Spain and in it he said a few things that I thought I'd share with those of you who may not understand Spanish.

This was at the end of the article but I want to write it first:

One thing that needs to be made clear about this album is that, no matter how much the rumour mill is trying to spin it, it is by no means the end of the successful band. "Oh, I'm not leaving BTS. Absolutely not. This is the first time I'm launching a solo project like this, so I'm trying to stand up and take my first steps. But I'm ambitious and I have willpower. So I don't want to miss the opportunity to do both. So I will try my best not to lose control and steer these two ships at the same time. A lot of bands split up and fall apart, but I hope that doesn't happen to BTS. I just love the music, I love my job, I love the band members and I love myself. If I can keep both projects going, I think it can be something legendary in the long run".

Other important parts of the article:

"The k-pop industry hasn't stopped growing since we debuted with BTS [in 2013]. It's become a lot more complex and has brought a lot more people into its structures. I think there are a lot of lights, but also some slippery shadows. Many of us started our careers very early as a group: we slept and lived together as teenagers. We became a real family, which is great, but this culture has also affected me a lot, because sometimes I find it difficult to be treated as an adult who has autonomy in his decisions. I'm perceived as just another cog in the crew, in the context of a mass phenomenon",

Did you ever feel like you were getting completely lost in this delirium of success? "I used to think so, but the funny thing is that I am fully aware that it was my own choice to devote myself to the k-pop industry. Nobody pushed me into it. But yes, I have lost myself at times. Although perhaps saying this is an excess of 'self-empathy'. There is no answer. Except that, if k-pop is about recharging the batteries of a mass audience and I'm responsible for doing that recharging, then I have to keep my feet firmly on the ground. As an adult, as a musician and as a human being. And these ten years of my career have helped me define who I am and learn to love myself. But I'm still in that process, you know? All these internal struggles will be recorded on records and videos," he explains.

"Music is really necessary for the world, but, when it comes to my music, sometimes I feel like I'm producing something unnecessary. If I were to die tonight, I don't think anything would change. It might matter to some people for a while, but a farmer or a street sweeper is more relevant to the functioning of society. When I ask myself about the role of our generation in historical terms, when I look at all the digital platforms and communities out there, I am overcome with confusion. There are a lot of people who don't want to think. They have frenetic lives and turn to music or television to escape, so the last thing they want is someone trying to lecture them from a pedestal. In that context, I wonder how I can make my music matter. I haven't found an answer yet, but I keep trying to bring my own perspective to it.

As to whether he is afraid that the army he has on Instagram (42.4 million followers) might one day turn against him for a silly mistake or a blunder, RM answers bluntly. "Yes, it scares me. It scares me 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. When I was younger I tried to come across as a cool guy who doesn't give a shit what other people think, but I don't think that's right anymore. I care about the publicity dimension of my career and the influence I can have on others. It stresses me out, yes, but I think I can handle it. That's why I don't retire or do things like go out and drink the night away and then drive drunk. I'm human, I can make mistakes, but I will do everything in my power to be the best version of myself. One of the keys is to treat this job for what it is: a job. I don't think artists have any special rights or status.

Note: if you would like me to translate another part of the interview, let me know.

#Namjoon #RM #vogue spain #bts #bts solo careers #bts break

[thesamoanqueen]

Emotional support

Tagged by my lovely foreva honorary friend @wrestlezaynia for a WIP friday.

A/N: for @xxtremee (is not a big long story but I did something)

She knew that pose, he used it even acting as the Tribal Chief, in front of cameras. Even outside, however, it didn't mean anything good and the chaos erupted from his family was enough to make her know what had happened. She had observed him while she helped tidy up, she had seen him scratch his dark beard, listen angry comments and complaints, nod a couple of times. He was sad, even though he was a big boy and he was keeping it in silence, she was not a football fan, but for him years before it had almost been his dream career and it was enough to make her a sad about that defeat too.

Finishing putting away the potato salad in another lunch box ready for who knows which member of his huge family, she saw him leave them after a while to join her

- They fought in the final, its a win anyway – she didn't know how the football business worked, but she was a visibility and marketing conoisseur, it couldn't have hurt the niners to be in the Super Bowl for sure.

- Next year maybe we'll make it – Roman agreed with a slightly too heavy breath and she felt like hugging him, showering him with kisses, anything just to take away that face from him.

Maybe was not a good idea in front of everyone, not with the racket in the living room and his cousins and uncles threatening to tear the house down, but maybe she could lighten the mood.

-You know, if you need emotional comfort, I can help in many ways... - she proposed, casting an elusive glance much lower and Roman put down the glass he had taken to look at her - I was trying to be helpful, doing my part. I thought it might help to lighten things up a bit, my bad – she cut it short, falling silent when his sister, Vanessa, stormed in the kitchen, passing them both without a glance.

Roman kept the fridge open for her, giving her time to get some juice for who knows which one of the many kids who were running around and Y/N smiled at her too, when she left in a hurry, taking advantage of things to put down the potato salad that was still in her hand.

- It can help – she heard Roman admit, shifting his attention from his sister to her with ease and Y/N widened her eyes, surprise quickly turning into a giggle at seeing him show a more contrite face than when he joined her.

- I'll do everything I can to make you feel better, I promise – she said, patting his chest playfully while he leaned down to hold her again, laughing softly.

It may not have gone as they had planned, either for the niners or for him, but she was pretty sure that one way or another they would all find something to overcome the emotional trauma.

Tag squad: @sunnyfleur23 @racerchix21 @alyyaanna @reignsangel444 @romanreignsdefencesquad @romanstheory @claymorexpunisher @keybladeofsteel @msbigredmachine @nayys-world @gobbersworld @utika151209 @cumxxslutt @civildawn @romanmydaddy @triscillal @papireigns-05 @helensanders92 @darqchilddaydreamz @meggylynnloves @unfriendly--blvck--hottie @nicolewoo @reignsx @reigns-central-blog @kianalea04 @daguenoire @extra-11 @thedonsfactory @snowpanda18 @brattyfics @mzv11 @romanreignseater @dreamsinfocus @tribalchiefdaily @2baddies2furious @vebner37 @depressedneedingrevenge @cyberdejos2 @mahi-wayy @jxtina-86 @harmshake @harlem11680 @southerngirl41 @blkbutterfly816 @spritelucozade

Tagging @joannasteez @racerchix21 @msbigredmachine @southerngirl41 whoever want to do it~

#roman reigns fanfiction #roman reigns imagine #roman reigns one shot #roman reigns fanfic #roman reigns oneshot #roman reigns x reader #roman reigns x oc #roman reigns x y/n

[hypergamiss]

No one cheers for you until everyone cheers for you.

The only people that I do not cut out of my life are immediate family members (we always manage to work things out thankfully).

But even they have doubted me or questioned my decisions because I chose to keep risking the things that I have earned in hopes of receiving bigger rewards (strategically, of course).

They would say “buy a house, invest here, marry this person, purchase this vehicle,” but if it wasn’t part of MY plan, I simply ignored most of their suggestions or rude remarks because I am paving my own path.

It’s hard to feel like you let the people you love down sometimes, because you feel like they have your best interest at heart. And they do, but they cannot understand or comprehend your decision making until you start to live a life that they would trade theirs for.

We were recently on vacation enjoying some of the finest wine/champagne and cuisines having a blast. It was my treat this time and not once did anyone begin to question my decisions. They are more open minded and take the time to hear my perspectives and thoughts on everything I do. If they are more curious I help them and give them the materials they would find useful to learn what I have learned.

I never wasted my time or energy in the past arguing with them or tried to force my point across. I simply let things go in one ear and out the other.

It is very lonely when you don’t have friends and family that you can talk to and vent about your goals when they don’t understand them. And at the same time you’re not successful enough yet to be friends with the people you would want to be friends with.

But once you get past this, it feels like you can do anything because you beat this mental game that toys with your mind. It was one of the hardest things to go through, but it made so many other things feel very easy to overcome.

So remember, no one cheers for you until everyone cheers for you. That is a part of life and you will get through it.❤️

[ay-chuu]

As a Boyfriend: Jade Leech

Warnings: Tooth roothinf fluff,cringe and lol first time writing for a character that im not so close... BUT for my dear; @fukashiin <3

Jade is the most advanced person in terms of emotional intelligence between Floyd, himself and Azul! He just doesn't show it, or makes people hard to guess it with his slightly sadistic traits. But he is neither open to everything like Floyd and lives according to the moment or doesn’t get hysterical like Azul and make things get out of control. He analyzes everything and approaches the person with the most point shots in an emotional sense. Just like when he managed to impress you (;

He considers himself a loser in many things, and he didn't realize it until he met you... he thought he was incompetent in most things because he set himself back from everyone, but after he becoma lovers with you, he realized that this was an idea that could only be overcome. And this is actually also when he falls in love with you. Because he has always known that someone who can make him believe unexpected thoughts is his soulmate.

A romantic gentleman. Everything he does in the position of butler is a factor that is not a role for you. Are you tired? Your favorite drink is already ready. Are you sad? Why don't you lie down on that couch over there and tell him everything? Problems with the lesson? Here are the most profound books on this topic.

You're a new member of Mountain Lover Club! At first you thought you'd be so bored... (no, you definitely didn't join that club to impress Jade...) But taking mountain trips and determining the types of mushrooms from the book turned out to be more fun than you expected! First of all, there is no phone, it's a great Decoupling from the digital environment.... Secondly, you are drunk with nature, and at the end of every walk you become full of love and mushrooms. Finally and most importantly, you taste Jade in the most authentic way... when you two are alone together, he shows you his incredibly true self and always makes you feel soft inside.

One of the things that upsets Jade the most is the sadness of his loved ones. Floyd and you are at the top of this list. If someone has upset you... God bless them. I don't think he'll let them go without leaving a serious trauma. Even if this person is your family, he scares them in some way and makes them respect him. Because Jade is always an influential person. But if any event has upset you, what he will do is solve the incident as soon as possible as efficiently as possible, because he would rather drown the world than see you upset.

He's quite jealous. But he usually shows it to the person he's jealous of by making life a little hell because he doesn't want you to understand that he's jealous…

Swimming in the sea with you with the eel form, is his favorite. You're playing with each other, laughing like there's no tomorrow, and just.... You're together.... As you lean your foreheads against each other, the reflection of the setting sun on your face is an incredible happiness for both of you.

It may seem like he's the dominant person in the relationship, but actually you're the secret boss! He's just being angry at you and leading you so that you can be happy. (He's a complete malewife... When you get married, you get a 10/10 service in your home. He is a devoted husband! devoted to his spouse, *insert proud face with mop!*)

To be lovers together with Jade is to be able to say that you also have a close relationship with Floyd! You three are a chaotic group, and there are no people who can understand or put it in a sentence to describe the craziness you are doing. And that's why Jade loves you so much. Just as you can have peaceful moments when you two are together, all the calm disappears in an instant when you put your twin Decoupled! (Floyd is very happy thst you two are dating and even jealous that Jade is dating you... But that's another day's topic!)

All in all, Jade is both a gentle lover who has all the qualities you can look for and want, and a wonderful partner who can give you the most crazy and adventurous moments.

#by.aychu #disney twst #twst #twisted wonderland x yuu #twisted wonderland x reader #twst yuu #twst octavinelle #octavinelle x reader #jade leech x yuu #jade leech x reader #jade leech #floyd leech #twst tweels #twst incorrect quotes

[psychedelic-ink]

𝐒𝐞𝐦𝐚��𝐡𝐨𝐫𝐞 - 𝐂𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐓𝐡𝐫𝐞𝐞 𝐨𝐟 𝐈𝐎𝐀𝐃𝐊

Pairing: FEDRA!Javier Peña x firefly!reader

Genre: slice of life, smut, romance, angst, enemies to reluctant friends to lovers, TLOU AU, minors dni

Summary: Javier, a former member of the Federal Disaster Response Agency in Kansas City, is haunted by the guilt and violence he indirectly caused by not taking action when he should have. After fleeing Kansas City in the aftermath of Kathleen's violent overthrow of FEDRA, you and Javier seek refuge in an abandoned train in the middle of a forest.

As you and Javier turn the train into a living space and learn to navigate the dangers of a post-apocalyptic world, you gradually overcome your differences and form an unlikely bond. But when your pasts catch up with you, you must confront the demons that haunt you and make a choice that could mean the difference between life and death. Will you choose to protect each other and find a way to build a new life together, or will the ghosts of your pasts tear you apart?

word count: 8.4k

chapter summary: you and javier go for a swim.

warnings: canon typical violence, no y/n, mentions of blood, nightmares, brief mentions of reader suffering from anxiety attacks pre outbreak, PTSD, more references to the main hbo tlou plot specifically episode 5, overall wholesome and full of fluff, mention of body hair, piv, vaginal fingering, dirty talking, biting, mild edging, one small mention of him threading his fingers through your hair but nothing else specified

a/n: it's all about communication, baby. It's a long one so get your warm drink of choice and settle in!

Semaphore - A signaling system used on railroads to communicate between trains and stations, typically using a system of flags or lights.

The cell was always so fucking cold. 

Javier hated being here, staring at the gray walls and reading that damn FEDRA sign over and over again all day long. He couldn’t help himself; it was right there within his eyesight. He wished it wasn't, that he could just rip it off and throw it in the corner.

YOUR RIGHTS WHILE IN DETENTION

YOU ARE ENTITLED TO:

LAWYER

MEDICAL ATTENTION 

FAMILY VISIT

FOOD

CLOTHING

Just a huge load of fucking bullshit. If you’re in here, you’re in here for one reason only: to give up names. Either that, or you never see the sight of daylight again. He took a sharp breath. With that, the man sitting across from him on the bench stiffened. A drop of water continuously dripped from the ceiling. Every time the sound echoed, the hairs on the back of his neck stood up. Javier preferred to be alone during interrogations.

A young man stood next to him. Unlike Javier, who was leaning against the cage, he stood fully upright and alert, rifle in hand. He glared daggers at the man sitting helplessly; his cheek was cut, and his right eye bruised. Javier wanted to place a hand on Adam’s shoulder and tell him to calm down, to let him know that this broken man was no threat to them. But he couldn't do that, not when he had to keep his mask on.

“What’s your name?” Javier asked the man, he scoffed in return. 

“You already know my name.” 

Javier sighed once again, and Adam narrowed his eyes. The newcomers were always like this: eager to put others in their place, eager for violence. FEDRA didn't teach them anything else, just how to take orders and to see the world in black and white. But that was another bullshit lie. Javier had told Carillo a million times that he didn't want anyone paired with him. Murphy was enough. However, like many things, his request was ignored.

There was just something starkly painful about seeing a nineteen- or eighteen year old so eager to kill.

I want to hear it from you," Javier spoke calmly as he pushed himself away from the fence and took a step closer. The man cowered back. "If you tell me what I want to hear, we won't hurt you.”

There was a moment of silence, followed by a meek whisper of a name: Martin. Javier swallowed, realizing that this man would probably give away all the information they asked for, if he had the information to give.

“Alright, Martin," Javier said, taking slow steps and kneeling in front of him. Adam was right behind him, standing and being as menacing as ever. "I need you to tell me who is a part of this..." Javier made air quotes with his fingers, causing Martin to flinch. "...'Resistance'."

“I don’t know anythin’ about that.” 

"Are you sure?" Javier asked with a raised eyebrow. "Not even a whisper?"

Javier heard Adam puffing up his chest and almost rolled his eyes. But he didn't look away; he kept his gaze fixed on Martin. He liked using silence as a tactic. He just stared, watching the other man sweat. It was clear to him that Martin was protecting someone. Javier could tell by the way Martin's tongue poked inwardly from one cheek to another; he was having trouble meeting Javier's gaze.

“You won’t be getting out of here,” he said, keeping his voice even. “If you don’t tell me who’s leading it.” 

"I can't," he murmured, looking down at Javier's knees. "I won't."

Shit. This wasn't good.

Adam shifted from one leg to another, fidgeting with his rifle. A chill settled at the base of Javier's spine.

"Fucking answer the question," Adam spat, pointing the rifle. "Or we'll blow your head off. Ungrateful shit."

The worst part of all this was that Javier couldn't stop Adam if he were to do something. Stopping him meant blowing his cover and revealing that he cared about these so-called "traitors." Javier hissed between clenched teeth and nearly gave Martin a pleading look.

Javier averted his gaze at the last second. And with a heave, he stood up, towering over the man. 

“Are you sure you’re not going to give us the name?” he asked one last time. “Any name.” 

Martin shook his head.

Javier wakes with a jolt. He hears something akin to a whimper. A cry. He slowly rises from his bed, his eyes moving toward the curtain that stretches in the middle of the car, making two sections. Their setup isn’t perfect yet, but the curtain accompanied by the beds gave a sense of home and belonging. He attempts to rub the sleep away from his eyes, his mind was still in a deep sleep, a fog slowing his thoughts and reason. 

Another whimper follows, and Javier's thighs quiver as he stands up. He reaches for the curtain, slowly pulling it aside.

There you are, crying in your sleep. Half of your face is tucked into the dirty pillow as your body contorts in the most unnatural ways. Javier's eyes follow the curves of your body: one knee nearly touching your chest while your other leg is straight like a stick, tense. Sweat makes your shirt cling to your skin. Moonlight trickles in from the freshly cleaned windows, giving you an almost ethereal glow.

Javier steps closer. This isn't the first time you've had a nightmare. And he's certain that you've also been awoken from sleep by his own night terrors. You probably wouldn’t believe him, but he hates seeing you like this. He can’t help but blame himself. He wonders how many more people were suffering due to the system he’s been a part of for so long. 

He takes a gentle seat on the bed, bringing your head to his lap, he makes himself comfortable. Again, this isn’t the first time he’d done this. 

Your whimpers and crying slowly subside, drifting into soft sniffles. Your tear streaks dry as you nuzzle your cheek into his thigh. He’s happy to see that this still works. You loosely wrap your arms around him, tugging him closer. Javier obliges shifting nearer. 

In a moment of impulse, he finds himself reaching out for the blanket that you had kicked away in your frenzied attempt to escape your nightmares. The seasonal shift worries him. They’re not ready for the cruel temperature drop yet. 

Javier pulls the blanket and you seem to melt at the warmth, your body becoming pliant over his lap. He adores seeing you like this. Your face softens, the tension that had hardened it dissolving.

Javier wants to hold you like this when you’re awake too. He thinks that you’d enjoy it, he never received any complaints about it before. His thumb moves down your cheek, he feels the scars he can’t see, and soon the pad of his thumb moves to your neck, your pulse thrumming under his touch. 

A deep inhale expands his lungs, he leans back. His head hits the glass with a thud. Javier licks his lips, his fingers start to twitch. He wants to smoke. 

By some miracle, he hadn’t touched a single cigarette all day, but that was only because he was going to be running out soon. What the hell was he supposed to do then? Chew on a straw? Like a cowboy?

He smiles at his own joke, his palm resting on your shoulder. He’s glad he’s not afraid of this. The apocalypse has made him a brave man. You’re probably more afraid of this attraction than he is. He can see it in your eyes; you hold his gaze for a beat too long, your hands lingering on his skin as if searching for something. He can’t help the boost of ego he gets from how you behave. He smiles every time he catches you but you miss it, turning your head away in a fit of panic.

A soft snore parts your lips and you bury your face deeper into his legs. Javier swallows, a thick knot in his throat as he feels his dick twitching under his zipper. 

He lets out another deep sigh. It’s going to be a long night. 

You find Javier outside, leaning against the train with a cigarette hanging between his lips. Holding your head, and still feeling a bit groggy, you join him. But instead of staying upright, you drop to the dirt, crossing your legs as you rest your back against the cool metal. 

“You saw a nightmare last night,” he says nonchalantly.

“Did I?” you ask, looking between the fence chain. “Sorry.” 

Your crinkle your nose when you inhale smoke instead of oxygen. Javier notices and tucks the hand holding the death stick between his waist and the train. It’s a chilly morning and you hug your coat tight around you. 

“I didn’t say that for you to apologize. I was trying to ask if you’re alright.” 

“Yeah, I didn’t really get that from what you said.” you answer, with a smile you rest the crown of your head against his knee. He stiffens, but other than that says nothing. “I don’t know. I don’t really remember what I saw if I’m being honest. Probably just a shit ton of death.” 

“That good old apocalypse classic.” Javier nods, bringing the cigarette to his lips. “Can’t live without it.” 

“So what’s the plan for today?” 

He shifts his weight from one foot to another, he slightly slides them forward, burying the soles further into the grass. Much similar to yours, the tips of his boots are worn out around the corners. It would be great to find some new ones. But wearing—taking someone else's boots isn’t easy. As if there isn’t enough death going around, you had to be reminded of it in every uncomfortable step. 

“I was thinking we go for a swim.” 

“A swim?” 

Javier laughs at the sound of your shock. His leg presses into your shoulder and you enjoy the heat, a small smile of your own blossoming. He crouches over, balancing himself by leaning against you. Your gaze is fixed ahead. If you look at him, you fear he might see right through you. He’s too observant not to hear your heartbeat. 

“Blue River isn’t that far off from where we are,” he explains. “Winter’s coming, it would be good to get clean thoroughly. And we should at least try to stock up on water too. I know rain and snow is an option but still, it wouldn’t hurt to be prepared.” 

“Guess not,” you murmur, looking up to the sky. 

“You have something against swimming? It’ll be fun. And, most importantly, distracting.” 

Your eyes widen, and your pulse skyrockets. He thought about this plan. He heard you crying in your sleep, woke up, went outside, and thought about something to do to cheer you up. You don’t remember the last time someone offered you their thoughtfulness. On your birthday, the third year you’d joined the fireflies, Amy had brought you a twinkie with a burning stick stabbed into it. And that was it. No one actually thought about your feelings. 

God, you missed it. 

It’s like a hug. A caress from the wind. The sun on your skin. It feels like breathing again. There’s no weight on your chest, because he’s helping you lift it. Someone fucking cares. A giggle bubbles up from your chest. Tears sting your eyes. Your head falls back against the train with a thud and you breathe out; fuck. You’re ridiculous. But Javier doesn’t seem to care. He’s just looking at you with those big brown puppy dog eyes, brows pinched in the middle. 

Heat coils in your stomach, searing, burning up your insides. 

“What do you suggest we swim in? Our underwear?” you tease without much thought. 

You don’t expect to see the mischief in his eyes, the hints of arousal splattered over dark irises like stars in the night sky. You swallow. He must’ve sensed it because he leans in, slowly, lips only an inch away from your parted ones. Javier takes a deep inhale, those same eyes you love, and hate, drop to your lips. 

You shudder. 

“Whatever the rebel is comfortable in,” he murmurs, tongue swiping over his bottom lip. “If you don’t want your panties getting wet, might be better to take them off.” 

The drop of his voice. The heat of his breath. Emotions spin wildly in your head, forcing you to be the one to take the metaphorical step back. Which is just you turning your head back to the fence. It doesn’t do much. You can still feel his breath fanning your cheek. It’s hard to hide the hitch of your breath, your chest rises up with the inhale you take, and, fuck, you just know he’s looking at your breasts. His gaze like a branding iron. 

“I think I’ll keep my panties on, thank you very much,” you manage to choke out, the tremble of your voice too noticeable to ignore. “But, hey, if you want to flash the clickers out there be my guest, handsome.” 

“Handsome?” 

Shitshitshit. 

You practically jump as you get up, and head inside the train. You hear him laugh, something dark and possessive lingering underneath. 

“Let’s just go!” you call out. “I don’t want to be outside the fence when the sun goes down.” 

Sex has been something you hadn’t allowed yourself to think about for a long time. 

But now, as you’re standing under a giant oak tree, your shirt on the ground and pants unbuttoned, you’re reminded of how enticing the mere thought of sex can be. Javier’s already in the water, head bobbing up and down with the waves with his hair slicked back. Before he went in, you got a good look at him—before the outbreak, you might’ve been shyer about it. Maybe you would’ve turned your gaze away with heated cheeks. You still had the latter going on, but you most certainly didn’t shy away with your obvious ogling. 

You might be dead the next day. No need to turn your sight away from something beautiful. 

And Javier is just that. The epitome of beauty. 

Javier stripping in front of you will forever be engraved in your mind; he shrugged off his plaided shirt and kicked off his pants, only leaving him in a black undershirt and his boxers. He was surprisingly lean and muscular, he wasn’t a big man, but he wasn’t quite the opposite either. You were surprised to see him jumping into the water with his undershirt, you tucked the question for a later conversation. 

He swims closer to you, resting his elbows above the soil. His gaze blatantly exploring your newly exposed skin. 

“So you ever plan on getting in, perla? Or are you planning on stealing my clothes and leaving me here?” 

A snort bubbles from the back of your throat. “You poor thing. That happened to you?” 

“Maybe,” he grins and pushes himself back enough so the back of his head is submerged in running water. “Just get in.” 

Finally, with a burst of unfounded courage, you kick off your boots and pants. The chill of the forest embraces your skin. With a pleasant tingle buzzing in your muscles, you walk ankle-deep into the water. You try not to think about your old bra, or your underwear that is scattered with small holes. You especially don’t think about the small hairs dusted above your legs and other patches of skin. 

You swallow. The knot in your throat makes it difficult. 

You wade further into the river, the cool water embracing your skin, as you turn to him with a hint of uncertainty in your voice. 'Perla?' you ask, and he responds with a fluid motion, gliding effortlessly above the water, following you. 

“It means pearl.” he answers, not giving much explanation. 

You drop yourself into the water, your head submerged along with your body. Your eyes are squeezed shut as you feel the water rushing around you. The river sings to you in a beautiful hum. Javier is moving somewhere in the water, you can sense his presence. You want to open your eyes, but sadly that is one of the skills you can’t seem to force yourself to gain. You wonder if the water is muddy or crystal clear. You like to think it’s the latter. 

You rise to the surface and take in a deep breath of fresh air. You wipe your eyes with the heels of your palm, ringing the excess water from your brows and lashes. 

“I know what perla means,” you murmur, blinking at him. “I was trying to ask why you called me that.” 

“Yeah, I didn’t really get that from what you said.” he grins, his answer a reminder of this morning. “To answer your question, I don’t really have a satisfying one. I just like pearls and it just came out. I won’t call you that if you don’t want me to.” 

Moving your feet, you move upright to face him. Water drops trickle down his sunkissed skin, rolling down his cheeks and down to his neck. Momentarily your eyes drop to his lips, only for you to pull them back up again. Meeting his gaze, you move closer, the heat of his skin plausible despite the cool water running between you two. 

“No, I like it.” you answer, you swear your heart nearly stops. “I was just curious.” 

You’re not sure if it’s the water or him, but he’s closer. Your pebbled nipples graze against his chest. You suck in a sharp breath. 

“When I was a kid, I didn’t have the toughest stomach. I would get sick from almost everything,” he explains. It’s hard to focus on his words when he’s so close. “My abuela— let her soul rest in peace— had these crazy remedies. She would use crushed pearls and mix it with honey or ginger, to make a weird paste thing. Then she would make me eat it. It tasted like shit but supposedly it was supposed to make my nausea go away.” 

“Did it?” you ask. Your eyes are wide with innocent, child-like, curiosity. Javier is a natural storyteller. It’s hard not to get sucked into the cadence of his voice. 

He shakes his head, laughing. You feel his breath on your cheeks and you lean in. Only a trickle of water moves between you two now. 

“It did not, obviously. But I believe it did. I still do. And no matter how bad it tasted and how much I complained…I still took my chances.” 

“So you decided to name me after a remedy that doesn’t work?” 

“No. I named you after a remedy that I believe works. And I’ll take it, every time.” 

In the quiet moment between blinks, the world seems to pause. Your eyelids, like two curtains, draw gently closed and then part again. His words heavy in the clear air. It's a fleeting moment, barely noticeable, and that’s when it happens. 

You feel his lips, warm and wet pressing against your mouth. It’s such a simple motion. A tender closeness. Nothing more, nothing less. You don’t even taste his tongue and he’s already pulling back. With a moment of panic, you chase him, capturing his lips once more in a more heated kiss. 

That’s when you feel his hands on your waist, pulling you closer underwater, your bodies swimming in unison. He inhales you. And you him. You don’t remember the last time you kissed someone or the last time you thought about it. You groan as his tongue cheats between your lips, your own hands white-knuckled as you hold onto his shoulders. 

Javier’s hands grab at your ass, kneading the soft flesh and tracing the crease between them with the tips of his fingers. Suddenly, he’s towering over you, pushing himself further above the waterline as he claims your lips again and again, sucking the air from your lungs and garnering you breathless. 

It's not you or him, not really, but rather the river that pushes you apart. A wave rises up, and crashes down. Water rushes into your mouth and nose, filling your lungs with a bitter, icy taste. You're forced back, coughing and gasping for air, as the wave pulls you away from each other. 

You move to the riverside, grasping at the slippery rocks. You wait for your breathing to return to normal. Javier’s hands are on your back in an instant, soothing you before they slip in front to rest on your stomach. His chest is flush against your back. You take a shaky inhale and let out a deep breath. 

“Are you alright?” he asks and you can barely hear him from the blood rush in your ears. 

“I’m fine.” you gasp. “You—You kissed me. Why?” 

You’re happy he can’t see your face. The question sounds so juvenile, so unimportant. What did it matter why he kissed you? He did and that was that, and you liked it. 

“Instinct. Felt like you needed a kiss.” 

You choke out a burst of laughter. Your eyes sting from, what you hope, the water of the river. “Asshole. Don’t try to make it seem like it was for my benefit.” 

“I’m willing to say it was for both our benefits.” 

“So, it was a one time thing then?” 

“Not if you don’t want it to be.” 

You turn around and his arms cage you in. You’re smiling. And it’s not the smile you make when you’re awkward, or angry, or sad—it’s genuine. You’re heart feels light and if the beat of it wasn’t steady, you would’ve thought it disappeared. It feels foreign. 

Javier rolls his hips, the outline of his cock leaving little to the imagination. It sends electricity up your spine, blinding, and mind-numbing. He’s grinning at you in a way a confident man does when he knows what he’s doing. His face dips into the hallow of your neck. Small, ticklish kisses are left upon your burning skin. With a shudder, your hands tug at the hem of his undershirt. 

“Why do you still have this on?” you whine, smiling against his lips. “Can I take it off?” 

He tenses under your palms and you stop. His lips are above your pulse, which makes it hard to differentiate the line between right and wrong. Your fingertips buzz with the need to touch and take. His tongue sneaks from between his lips and licks a line up the column, nipping at your jaw. 

“Would it kill the mood if I said no?” 

You retract your hands and your fingers smooth over the fabric, tugging it down. Your lips part with a soft whimper, arousal gushing between your legs and fading into the water. It wouldn’t kill the mood, no, not when you’re so worked up. But it does make you think. Maybe this isn’t the perfect way to go about this, whatever perfect means in this day and age. There’s still so much you don’t know about him. Your feelings are a whirlwind, threatening to throw you up into the sky and leave you to crash down into the earth. 

Your meek sounds of pleasure subside. Javier senses your hesitation. He peels himself unwillingly from your neck and stares fixes you with a leveled gaze. 

“You want to get out?” 

Entranced, you nod. Your heart beats in your throat, uncomfortable and larger than life itself.  

“Yeah,” you answer, a beat above a whisper. “That’s probably for the best.” 

“Understood.” 

There’s a deep stillness in his eyes. With a dry mouth, all you can do is parrot his answer back to him. 

“Understood.” 

“What do you miss the most?” 

The grass beneath you is soft and cool against your skin, the wind blows warm. A blessing considering the growing cold. The earth is comfortable against your back, a welcomed reprieve from the warmth of the sun above. You feel the trickle of water, your skin damp and pliant from the droplets that still cling to you.

The sun's gentle warmth kisses your skin, the light filtered through rustling leaves. The branches dance and tease, occasionally catching your gaze and tugging you away from the clouds overhead. You can’t help but smile. A memory reminiscent of the days you would do absolutely nothing. 

Javier's body lies perpendicular to yours, his face only a breath away. You feel the warmth radiating from his skin, his gaze looking up to the sky, and you wonder what the clouds remind him of. The sun caresses his skin, drying the water droplets that cling to him, much like it does to you.

“What do I miss,” he hums, thoughtful, eyes fluttering shut. “Having a purpose, I guess.” 

“A purpose?” 

A breathy chuckle escapes his lips. “It’s a bit silly I know, but before FEDRA, I was working in the DEA. My life was always hectic, but at least back then I could argue I was doing good. I was helping people. I liked thinking that I had a noble purpose in life. No matter what happened.” 

You turn your head to look at him, taking in his profile against the backdrop of the sky. He slowly opens his eyes, fixes them to the sky. A deep exhale leaves his lungs. 

“But now that I think about it, what I did wasn’t really noble back then either. I wish I spent more time with my family. It wouldn’t have been exciting, and I’d probably be bored out of my mind helping dad in the ranch, but at least I would’ve been happier.” 

You push your hand towards him and shudder at the way his knuckles brush against yours. Your fingers intertwine, his rough callouses fitting perfectly between the spaces of yours.

“What I’m hearing is you were an adrenaline junkie.” 

Your smile widens into a grin when he snorts. 

“Perhaps I was.” he muses. “What about you? What do you miss?” 

“I’m afraid my answer is less philosophical than yours,” What did you miss? You haven’t really thought about it, until now. Family and friends feel like an obvious answer. But you always felt lonely, even before the outbreak. You suffered from weird attacks you never got diagnosed, and when you attempted to explain them by calling them “something like a panic attack” you were always shut down, being told that if it was a panic attack, it would be far more serious. 

So, naturally, you closed up. Simmered in the heavy weight on your chest, crying with your hand between your legs, hoping someone one day would show up and close up the gap that you felt. You were so lonely.  But that person never came along, and then the world ended. 

“Cooking.” you answer, gauging his reaction. He squeezes your hand, thumb moving in circles on your skin. “Well, baking to be precise. I loved baking. Coffee—god, music, I miss music.” 

“Music,” he agrees. “I miss that too. Maybe if we find a guitar or something…” 

“You know how to play?” you perk up, a grin ready to take form. 

His laughter comes at the same time as the wind. The blends seamlessly with the rustling of leaves and the gentle sway of branches. It vibrates in your bones, as though his laughter is a part of the very fabric of nature itself.

“No, but I can learn. Some noise is better than none.” 

“Yeah,” you answer, seamlessly. “It is.” 

Javier was being followed. He walked past the broken-down toy shop, his steps now faster. He could feel the gaze that watched his every step. It was the crack of the morning, which was the only time he and Micheal could meet. Everything was becoming a mess of badly executed plans with feeling motifs. Every nerve felt like a live wire. It was hard sneaking around. Especially when you lived in a time where even the walls had eyes. 

“Peña!”

Javier jumped and turned, gun pointing at whoever was behind him. He saw the sight of familiar green eyes, then let out a breath. 

“Adam?” putting his gun back, he cocked an eyebrow. “What the hell are you following me for?” 

“I wasn’t following you,” he answered, almost offended. “I was looking for you. Murph brought in a lead we might be able to use and Carillo wanted me to let you know.” 

Javier nodded, ignoring the younger man’s curiosity-filled gaze. When they started to move, much to his annoyance, Adam began to voice out his rather loud thoughts. 

“What are you doing here anyway? You weren’t posted here, you were meant to patrol the east side.” 

“Felt like a walk,” he grunted. “And I don’t answer to you, pendejo.” 

Javier and Adam walked in silence as they made their way toward the Fedra headquarters. The old building was barely holding up, with paint peeling off the walls and cracks running through the ceiling. The air inside was stale and smelled of musty old books, a reminder of the once-functioning library that the Fedra headquarters used to be.

They were greeted by Carillo and Murphy, who led them to the interrogation room. A string of curses raised all the way up to the tip of his tongue. On the other side of the glass, a man was sitting down, someone he recognize very vaguely. The man was young-ish, with curly black hair and a mustache supported by a messily shaved beard. His leg bobbed up and down nervously as he waited.

Carillo grinned as he gestured towards the glass. "This is Henry. Apparently, he's willing to give us information in exchange for medicine for his younger brother."

“Is that so,” Javier answered, his gaze never leaving Henry. “And what information might that be?”

The room was small and cramped, with peeling wallpaper and a flickering lightbulb. Javier noticed a small crack in the wall that seemed to grow wider with each passing moment. He couldn't help but feel a sense of unease in this dilapidated building, with its creaking floors and musty air.

“The leader of the resistance. He’s going to help us catch him.” 

The corner of Javier’s lips twitched as he forced a smile. He could barely contain the heave of his chest, the fast-paced breaths he so desperately wanted to let out. 

His mind raced. Everything was about to get a hell of a lot worse. 

Your eyes are wide open, your body stiff and alert. 

It’s been a while since you and Javier decided to go to bed. Moonlight filtered through the windows, long shadows of leaves moving across the ceiling of the train. You breathe slowly; one breath in, a long breath out. You hear him. He’s mumbling something in his sleep, moving, thrashing over his bed, the springs squeaking under his weight. 

On nights like this, you try to ignore it. But it’s different this time. Memories of earlier today flood your mind; him kissing you in the river, his length pressed against the softness of your stomach, his lust-blown pupils. Then there was the moment where you laid on the grass, talking for hours with your fingers interlaced until you had to leave. You don’t have it in you to abandon him. For him to fend off the nightmares alone. 

Just hearing the sounds he makes…so full of pain, raw and emotional— there’s no way you can go back to sleep. 

Heading to his side of the car, you silently watch him. Again, he’s wearing his black undershirt and a pair of boxers. He’s laying on his stomach, one leg outstretched and one curled to the side. One hand is on the pillow whilst the other is balled into a tight fist, touching his lips. A choked whimper comes from the back of his throat. 

“Javier,” you call out, taking a step forward. “Javier wake up.” 

He doesn’t. So you try again. This time you reach out, the heat of your palm pressing into the slope of his shoulder. Honestly, you should’ve known better than to touch someone who’s buried deep in a nightmare. Especially in this day and age. 

“Jav—” 

Your reaction is close to none when you find yourself thrown to the bed, a sharp blade at your neck, drawing the smallest amount of blood. You breathe steadily. His fingers have your wrist in an iron grip, and the look in his eyes— deranged, still wet from the mirages of his past. The physical outburst isn’t enough to phase you, but the look in his eyes surely is. 

“It’s me,” you whisper, careful not to touch him. His jaw is locked, nostrils flaring with heavy breaths. “You were seeing a nightmare. It’s okay. Nothing’s wrong. It’s just you and me—Perla, remember?” 

“Perla,” he repeats slowly, lips remaining parted as he stares down at you. “Mi Perla.” 

The silence stretches between you two. Both of your heartbeats echo loud between the metal walls. Blood continues to trickle down your neck, staining the worn out sheets. His eyes drop to the wound, the small cut, and as if scorched, he throws the knife. It crashes to the floor with a loud clatter. The sound makes you jerk, a moment of fear evident enough for him to see. 

“Sorry.” he blurts out. “Fuck—shit—I…I didn’t mean to. Force of habit.” he shakes his head, his entire body trembling. “Are you okay? I didn’t—Why did you—” 

You raise your hand and his mumbling fades away. Your fingers hover an inch away from his face, you can almost feel the heat, the sweat that gathered in his pores. You give him a pleading look. 

“Can I?” Can I touch you?

He chokes out, “Yes.” Please do.

You rest your hand against his cheek. Just as you expected, his skin is damp. Your thumb rests right under his eye and you caress the soft skin. You’re surprised that he leans into your touch, seeking more of the comfort you promise to provide. You close your eyes and sigh.  You allow your hand to slide to his neck, smoothing out the nooks and crannies in his shoulder.

Javier groans as he dips down, you feel his lips on your neck, tongue darting to clean the blood. A whimper escapes you when he tenderly kisses the wound, his mouth moving slowly, gradually. Like he’s kissing your mouth. Heat coils in your stomach. Arousal pools between your legs. You play with the short hairs that are mussed against the back of his neck. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” you ask, breathless. 

He shakes his head, his voice stern. “No.” 

So you don’t. 

Javier crashes into you, breathing you in. It’s desperate, needy, and fearful. In fear of what—you’re not sure, but you have some guesses. 

You throw away your shirt and in a fit, you kick off your sweatpants. Even those brief moments of being a part are too much for you to handle, you drink him in like you would a fine wine. Your lips crashing into his again and again. 

You moan into his mouth and he swallows them all. Sucking your tongue between his teeth, he nips the soft muscle and squeezes your hips, grinding himself against your clothed sex. Your fingers trace the fabric of his shirt, tugging, but not attempting to remove it. He licks your bottom lip before breaking away from you, he sits back on his knees. 

“Sorry,” he says. “You must think I’m trying to be all mysterious. I swear I’m not.” 

“I wasn’t thinking that. You don’t have to remove it if you don’t want to,” your eyes drop to his crotch, a grin tugging at your lips as you witness the bulge. You drag your foot up his thigh. He shudders. “All we need is down here.” 

“Aren’t you charming,” his tongue thoughtfully moves over his bottom lip. You sigh as you remember how it felt against your own. “Just promise me you won’t ask any questions. I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t even want to think about it.” 

You make a cross over your heart and raise your hand, he chuckles. 

“Alright then.” 

You’re ashamed to admit it, but you’re acting a bit like you’re in heat. He slowly peels the fabric off and your hands immediately find a spot on his waist. Your mouth waters at the exposed skin. You smooth your palms over his stomach, your lips pursing to leave kiss after kiss over his torso. 

You notice it as you start leaning over. Your eyes drawn to the massive white scar that runs from Javier’s heart all the way down to his Adonis belt. It stands out starkly against his tanned skin. Your breath catches in your throat. The veins in your temples throb loudly in your ears. With a dry mouth, you look up to him and he sees the questions in your eyes. 

“You promised.” 

Fuck, you did but you’re regretting it now.

You’re used to small scars, a bullet wound, or two. Everyone has them, including you. But you’ve never seen a scar this big. It’s death carved into his skin. Your mind races and he fixes you a steady gaze. This cut wasn’t from Kathleen and the resistance, so it must’ve happened before that. But what on earth would leave a scar so big? And how the hell did he survive it? 

Your cheeks feeling unbearably warm, you finally tear your gaze away. You feel his fingers thread through your hair, and they slowly move down to your shoulder, an ache for skin on skin contact. 

You dip down, press your lips above the end of his scar, you feel the dip of his adonis through your mouth. Javier inhales deeply and sharply. Ignoring the heaving of his chest, you dart your tongue out and lick a steady line, following the traces of the closed wound. His nails bite into your scalp, his hips stutter forward, the outline of his cock caught against the curve of your shoulder. 

Words die on your tongue. You want to say something, you’re just not sure what. If you apologized, expressed grief for his past, he would think of it as pity. If you asked about it, he’d say you’ve broken your promise. 

So you thank him instead. 

Javier enjoys that. He pushes his hands between the crease of your underarms and pulls you up, kissing you breathless. He squeezes the meat of your ass and pins you against him. You whine into his mouth. With a grin, he bites your bottom lip and tugs it between his teeth. 

“I want to taste you.” 

“Fuck, Javi,” your eyes roll back and you shudder. Your underwear sticks uncomfortably to your pussy, and it pains you that you’re shaking your head. “As much as I want that…I need your cock.” 

Javier cups your mound, fingers digging into your clothed folds. You gasp when the rough fabric brushes against your clit. You brace yourself by holding his shoulder and pressing your lips into his neck. 

“You’re so wet, shit, baby.” he groans as he grinds his hips, you whimper. “How are you this worked up already? When was the last time you’ve been with someone?” 

Your sudden hesitation to answer earns you an understanding gaze from him. Javier pulls back slightly, the movements of his fingers more gentle. 

“It’s been long,” you whisper and look away. 

“How long?”

“None after the outbreak and even before that...two years.”

He snorts and you fix him a not so serious glare. 

“Don’t pity me. It’s not all bad. I learned how to get rather creative when masturbating.”

“I’m sure you have,” he answers, staring at your darkly. “Can’t wait to see it.”

Javier drags his nose up your neck, you’re positive he can hear how excited you are. Like your heart is about to stop. 

“Say it again,” he grunts. “Tell me how bad you want my cock.” 

You sigh. “So bad.” 

“Mi Perla…I thought you learned how to get creative.” 

He sinks his teeth into your neck and you cry out, your entire body quivering as he holds you upright. He’s quick to lap at the teeth marks, lowering his head, he pushes you back so he can swirl his tongue over your peaked nipple. Arousal gushes between your legs. Your nails digging into his shoulders. 

“Please,” you whisper. “Please, fuck me Javier. I don’t think I’ve ever wanted anything more in my life. I want you to fill me up with that big cock of yours, fucking me into submission—” 

The last addition stumbled out of your lips, stunning you into sudden silence. You awkwardly stare up at the ceiling, shadows of trees moving and mocking you. Heat spreads under your skin. You don’t realize how tense you are until Javier nips the swell of your breasts, bringing you back to him. His fingers pull at your chin and you find yourself looking into his big brown eyes. 

Your eyes drop to the curve of his lips, and you stop breathing. 

“Fuck you into submission hmm?” he taunts, his pupils blown wide. “Looks like the little firefly is tired of being a hardened criminal.” 

“Shuddup,” you pout, averting your gaze. “Don’t read much into it. I said it in the heat of the moment.” 

“Sure you did, sweetheart.” 

Javier hooks his fingers into your thighs and suddenly you’re falling back down, the old bed creaking with protest. Before you can say anything, his weight presses into you like a heavy blanket. You moan at the heat, the feel of his skin against yours. His lips latch onto a nipple and you spread your legs wide for him, the soft ache in your thighs making your cunt drip. 

“Let’s see if you’re ready to take my big cock,” he rasps, fingers moving to slide your sticky panties to the side. “You want my fingers, baby?” 

You nod and he clicks his tongue with disapproval. 

“If you want me to fuck you into submission, you gotta use your words.” 

You finally snap.

“God, yes. I want your fingers. How many times am I going to have to say it? I want you, Javier. I’m going to explode if you don’t fuck me soon.” 

He grins at your frustration. Two thick fingers slide up between your wet folds, circling your clit. You gasp, teary eyes fluttering shut. His lips touch one, then the other. Then you feel him on your cheeks, nose, neck. You tremble. 

“Don’t tempt me.” 

Two of his fingers sink into your heat without warning, your head falls back with a moan, your legs tight around his frame. Shit, it feels good. Of course he’s good at fingering, god forbid Javier Peña is bad at anything. Your breathing becomes fast paced, your heart beating a mile in your chest. Scissoring his fingers, Javier nips at your chin. Heat coils tight in your stomach. You whimper his name, not knowing what else to do. One part of you is afraid. If you’re feeling this unbridled with just his fingers, what the hell is going to happen to you when he gives you his cock? 

Your fear goes unnoticed by him. He curls his fingers, applies pressure right where you need him. His eyes follow your every expression. You can feel it. Licking your lips, you raise your hips to meet the thrust of his fingers, Javier hums his approval and fucks them deeper. His knuckles brush your aching clit and you scream out, your fingers grabbing his wrist. 

“Too much?” he asks, but his tone lacks any actual remorse. He sounds pleased. 

Asshole. 

“Javi,” your breath hitches and you push yourself off the bed, pressing your lips right where his scar starts. Above his heart. “I need you.” 

The growl Javier lets out reverberates through his chest, sending tremors through the air and into your bones. It’s a visceral sound, primal and raw. Your lips follow the outline of his jaw. He acts like a beast, nuzzling towards your lips and grinding his molars together. 

He pulls out his fingers, a whine ripping from your throat at the sudden emptiness. His mouth brushes the shell of your ear.

“Good thing about being in an abandoned train,” he says, warm breath fanning your damp skin. You shiver. “You can be as loud as you want to.” 

Javier’s hand comes up to your chest and he pushes you back down. Your breath catches in your throat as he looks down at his cock and spits. He wraps a hand around himself, meeting your gaze as he strokes his cock. You hold your breath as he comes closer, every nerve alive and burning.  The head of his cock sinks into your heat, and you both let out a long, breathless moan. 

“Fuuuuuuuck,” you groan, head falling back. “Fuck, that feels good. Holy shit–”   

“It does,” he hums, capturing your lips and speaking between moments of exchanged breaths. “And this is only the tip, querida.” 

With every inch being buried, you feel your body sinking further into the bed. You feel like lead. Pleasure skims your skin. With shallow thrusts, he works you open, stretching you wide. He nips at your collarbone, the sensitive skin tucked between his teeth, he pushes further until he’s flushed against you. 

You’re shaking, your hips frantically trembling and jerking. Javier waits for you to adjust to his size. He’s incredibly deep. So deep that saliva floods your mouth, a bit of spit trailing down the corner of your lips as you cry out. He flexes his cock, and more slick trickles down your thighs. Your hands frantically pull him closer, as if he wasn’t already flushed against your chest, but he obliges, allowing his weight to fully cave down on you. 

“I’m here,” he mutters. You don’t expect the sudden sting of tears filling your lash line. “We’re both alive. We’re both okay.” 

Your walls flutter around him, and he lets out a sharp breath. Meeting his gaze, you blink. 

A sudden guilt consumes you. You should be the one consoling him. He’s the one that was woken up from a nightmare. It should be you saying those things. Not the other way around. But Javier doesn’t seem to mind. He squeezes your hip and pushes himself upright. 

“Can I move?” 

“Please.” 

He slowly rolls his hips, watching his cock disappear into your quivering cunt with heavy lids, a white ring at the thick base. When your hands aimlessly attempt to grab at him, he takes a hold of your wrists, using your arms as a leash. 

“Messy girl,” he huffs, grinding deeper into you. Your eyes roll back. “You’re taking me so well, baby. You’re so fucking wet for me, I love it.” 

A fire builds in your core, slick sounds flooding the small space. Pulling out almost all the way, Javier slams back into you, emptying the air from your lungs. His pace becomes more frantic and desperate with every thrust. Your arms ache as he yanks your body to meet the flush of his hips. The wry hairs at the base of his cock sending jolts up your body, your clit aching from the rough drag of it. You cry out his name, over and over, repeating it like a chant. His cock throbs at the squeak of your voice. Javier buries himself completely inside, grinding himself impossibly deep, stroking the sensitive spot inside. 

You’re not going to last, and if the shallow stuttering of his hips is any indication, Javier isn’t going to last either. You dig your nails into your sweaty palms. His fingers still tight around your throbbing wrists. 

“Kiss me,” you beg with a choked moan. 

And he does. Breathlessly. Again and again. The lack of oxygen makes your head spin. His lips are so soft, so tender. He licks into your mouth, sucks on your tongue. He lets go of your wrists and cups your breasts, rolling the peaked flesh with his thumbs. Your orgasm crests over you like a tide, your chest stammers, your breath catching in your throat. Your muscles go stiff, and then relax again. His cock twitches as you gush around him, slick pouring between your legs and wetting the mattress underneath. 

With clenched teeth, your body arches into him and you bear your neck. He bites into the offered flesh, blossoms of pain making your walls clench around him. Javier moans, laps at your salty skin, groaning, his hips jerk—deeper and deeper—until he becomes still. 

Your entire body is lit aflame as he spills into you. Instinctively, your hands cover your face, soft whimpers seeping into the heat of your palms. His cock pulses, and your muscles tense as you milk him for every last drop, your cunt clenching and fluttering around him. 

Javier smooths his lips over your knuckles, kissing the back of your hands as you slowly come down from your high. Breathing heavily, you allow your arms to go limp and fall. His eyes flit between your lips and eyes, he dips down to claim your mouth in a less draining kiss. 

“That was great,” he breathes into your mouth. “How are you feeling, perla?” 

“Like a hundred bucks,” you answer, grinning. “I forgot how good sex can be.” 

Your smile falters when he pulls out. Now that the heat of your orgasm is fading, you’re not sure what to do. Your body feels nice and limp, and god, you do not want to move. 

His seed trickles down your folds and you let out a soft gasp, your pussy fluttering. Javier seems to enjoy that, he grins and spreads your legs. 

“Bonita.” he purrs, dipping his thumb into the mess. Your head falls. “I’ll get you cleaned up in the morning.” 

“I’ll take care of it,” you answer, making a show of getting up. Javier frowns and wraps his fingers around your ankle, it’s not a tight grip, he’s just holding you. Your gaze drops. “I’ll see you in the morning.” 

“You can sleep here,” he drags the pads of his fingers up your legs and you shudder. “With me.” 

“Are you sure? I wouldn’t want to bother you.” 

“Believe me,” he says, voice dipping. “This is no bother.” 

#javier peña x reader #javier peña x you #javier peña x f!reader #javier peña #javier pena x reader #javier pena x you #javier pena x f!reader #javier pena x fem!reader #narcos fic #narcos x reader #the last of us fanfiction #the last of us fanfic #hbo the last of us fanfiction #pedro pascal character fanfiction #pedro pascal character fanfic #pedro pascal characters #fedra!javier #firefly reader! #tlou au

[allwaswell16]

A fic rec of One Direction fics with a murder mystery that has similar vibes to the tv series Only Murders in the Building as requested in this ask. If you enjoy the fics, please leave kudos and comments for the writers! You can find my other fic recs here. Happy reading!

—Louis/Harry—

🩸 Drops of Jupiter by @itsmotivatingcara

(M, 121k, occult) But what happens when a string of break-ins leads to a brutal attack, and the towns' darling is murdered right under their Sunday hats? A murder that just so happens to bear the same modus operandi as similar homicides in neighbouring states. Has the killer been circling Virginia, or is he a local of Lavender Hills?

🩸 Victorian Boy by audreyhheart

(E, 101k, historical) When the two dukes come together for the Bilsdale fox hunt in York, Harry finds himself drawn into Louis' bed. But when secrets from Louis' dark past come to light, Harry fears that the fox isn't the only one being hunted.

🩸 If these walls could talk by louislittlesuns

(M, 94k, Canada) Harry and inspector Tomlinson get caught in a frantic race against time to solve the murder and stop rumours from spreading.

🩸 Baby, I think we might be too cold to float by @forreveries

(M, 81k, exes to lovers) Harry is a journalist that goes to Lake Tekapo, New Zealand, to look into a girl’s disappearance after a year of no movement from police. What he finds instead is his ex boyfriend Louis, who, six years earlier, ghosted him after five months of dating in university. A story of trauma, secrets, and the power of finally letting people in.

🩸 saw some things on the other side by we_are_the_same / @so-why-let-your-voice-be-tamed

(M, 61k, soulmates) Unfortunately, Louis’ plan doesn’t take into account the fact that instead of writing murder mysteries, he will find himself in one.

🩸 Sinister by ModestlyHomo

(E, 54k, dark) Louis Tomlinson, head psychiatrist of Violet Quarters Mental Rehabilitation Center is faced with the most difficult case of mental instability his career has ever given him.

🩸 A Study in Love (series) by Rearviewdreamer / @all-these-larrythings

(M, 52k, Sherlock au) He is rarely perplexed, mistaken, or wrong, and obviously, Louis is never ever surprised. And yet, his new flatmate after a very long string of failed ones has Louis questioning how he ever did any of it without him.

🩸 knives don't have your back by @turnyourankle

(M, 51k, uni) The lone survivor of an on campus massacre that claimed the lives of his four housemates, Harry is urged to take a sabbatical or transfer. Instead, he chooses to stay in school, move into the dorms, and overcome his fears.

🩸 Whispers in the Trees by hazzayoudoing

(M, 51k, boarding school) an AU in which Louis and Harry witness a murder on the pristine campus of Wellington Academy, their posh boarding school. They band up with their friends and family members to attempt to solve the whole thing—since the murderer has decided to target them next.

🩸 Suddenly Last Summer by @disgruntledkittenface

(E, 44k, the Hamptons) Suddenly he has someone who listens to him and cares about what he thinks. Someone who really sees him. But their happily ever after is forever marred by an incident at a party during Labor Day weekend, and Louis is left with a choice to make.

🩸 What Happened to 'Never Say Die'? by kiddle / @bluejeanlouis

(T, 28k, thriller) a coming of age American AU inspired by classic ‘80s movies like The Goonies and Stand By Me where everyone has a secret and no one wants to get caught.

🩸 There's No Antidote For This Curse by LiveLaughLoveLarry / @loveislarryislove

(T, 26k, historical) They haven't seen each other for years, but when bodies start showing up in Central Park, Louis travels to New York to cover the story. The two work together to uncover the killer, and uncover a few other secrets along the way.

🩸 Catching a Partner by @berzerkshires

(M, 24k, documentary) Harry is the latest victim who survived an attempted murder and is sent to live at a safe house with Detective Tomlinson as the killer is still at large.

🩸 And then there was love by @sweariwouldnt

(NR, 23k, Murder She Wrote au) A crime story in which Louis makes ridiculous jokes about Harry's bum and loves Ben Winston's dog; where Harry blushes and may or may not be dark!Harry under the dimples and curls; where the world-famous author sleuth Jessica Fletcher joins One Direction to their music video set.

🩸 Windsor Peaks by aace1234

(NR, 23k, age difference) Louis life was going well, he was happy, until two detectives from London turn up. Harry Styles and Scott Wolf are investigating a string of murders and a car accident that lead them to straight to Louis and his past.

🩸 Wait For Me To Come Home by twoshipstiedup

(M, 15k, NYC) Some people meet in line at the grocery store on a Sunday afternoon, others use social media and technology to find their match. Sometimes, it's the old fashioned way through mutual friends at a dinner party. For Harry and Louis, it was a hot summer's day on a crime scene.

—Rare Pairs—

🩸 Be Still by thisonegoes

(E, 150k, Zayn/Harry) Zayn hears the telltale sound of stretcher wheels bouncing up over a weather strip. A tech backs out of the door first, as both Zayn and Harry turn to watch. 

🩸 your crimes are quiet, my love by lightswoodmagic / @lightwoodsmagic

(E, 97k, Zayn/Liam) A darker Miss Congeniality AU that follows Zayn and Liam, MI5 agents, partners since training and best friends, as they race to stop a serial killer. 

#ficrec #1dficvillage #trackinghappily #trackinghome #tracksintheam #1dsource #hltracks #ficsfor4am #categoryrecs

[diabolikpersonals]

sorry for such a broad question but in your opinion is laito a well written character relative to everyone in diabolik? i really Want to learn more about him but i also dont want to subject myself to All That and i just want to know if he's worth reading about or just a pile of interesting plot threads thrown together for shock factor and unfulfilled thematically.

like my current personal opinion (may be wrong) is that i dont feel satisfied with the idea of yui's love or proactiveness fixing laito in any way because it doesn't mesh well with the actual ideas surrounding his character and unpacking that love is not poison goes beyond romantic love or a singular place of understanding. additionally it doesn't feel earned it feels like a chore for the player to trudge though for the sake of reading. i dont want to read laito's story that bad if it's the case yet im intrigued by the things offered by his character like the processing of the deeply visceral way csa shatters who you are

I wanted to wait till I finished his CL to answer so I'd be fully caught up with laito's routes, but that'll take too long so.....!! I might change my answer later!! lmao

[tw laito stuff, csa and suicide, yeah]

I do think Laito's a well-written character but his stuff is really difficult to get through if you have certain triggers, so it's tough to recommend. Even beyond the csa stuff, Laito is in a real hurry to die and he makes several attempts throughout the series. There's a certain unique sort of awfulness, at least for me, involving scenes where a character fails a suicide attempt and then get even more upset and desperate about it. So I understand what you mean when you say you're not excited about putting yourself through it. They were the hardest routes for me to get through too :')

A lot of earlier games suffer from endings that are like "And the two lived happily ever after, and we're not gonna unpack all that stuff!" and Laito's routes are no exception, but if you can look past that and make it to LE, I wouldn't say that Laito gets fixed. He has an ending similar to Ayato's that's like, it feels like we fixed everything but in reality we couldn't overcome the core issue! They really seem to believe that Laito absolutely can't be happy or live a normal life the way he is now. He has to die and/or rewrite his memories to be comfortable loving someone. It's up to your tastes if that's satisfying or not, but I kind of love the bittersweetness of LE endings, and the way they feel like a happy ending until you think about them a little too hard.

What's interesting is that Yui's purehearted love often hurts Laito more than it helps him. He responds to love, from Yui or from his family members, with revulsion. There's jealousy when he interacts with straightforward characters like Yui or Ayato, like "If only I could be as simple and pure as you, but nope, I can't." He's very self-aware for a diaboy, which only makes it hurt more when he keeps arriving at the conclusion that he's rotten. He definitely makes progress, which is really satisfying to see, like how he gradually allows Ayato back in his life emotionally. But as of right now, the end of his arc is so, like, "I tried, really I did! But my perspective on love is fucked and I need a hard reset! Maybe I'll be normal in the next life but definitely not this one!! Bye!"

...So, it's hard to say if you'll be happy with it. I see a lot of mixed opinions concerning the LE endings. They often give the diaboy what he wants but not what he needs, so you're left going, "Wait, I don't know about this...!" A lot of people really hate these endings, but they actually get more interesting to me the more conflicted they make me feel...and oh boy, was I conflicted about this one! :'D

If it sounds interesting to you, too, and you don't mind some pretty brutal scenes along the way, give Laito's routes a try. His HDB will definitely make you mad though lol

#text

[seleniangnosis]

𝓦𝓱𝓪𝓽 𝔀𝓲𝓵𝓵 𝓬𝓱𝓪𝓷𝓰𝓮 𝓯𝓸𝓻 𝔂𝓸𝓾 𝓽𝓱𝓲𝓼 𝓼𝓾𝓶𝓶𝓮𝓻?

Pile 1 Pile 2 Pile 3

Hi everyone! It's been a while since I've been around with a PAC reading, so I decided to do something , to let everyone know that 1. I'm still alive, and 2. I haven't given up tarot 🌸🤍

Tarot readings do not replace therapy and/or have to be taken as the absolute truth, so consume responsibly and take what resonates !

Reblogs are appreciated 💌🌟

Pile 1 🤍🌸

Card to represent your energy: The star

Additional cards: 9 of swords rx, ace of swords,  the world, the hermit, 7 of wands

The star and the 2 sword cards makes me go into the direction of mental health and new way of seeing the world. Worries, stress and anxious feelings are diminished and replaced by a clear thinking rooted in reality, rather than overthinking.

If mental health imorovement does not resonates with you, this could be as well talking about a positive change in terms of growth and overcoming a difficult life challenge. You've ended a chapter and gained all the information you needed to become self reliant and confident. You're no longer drowning in fears, doubts and unrealistic thinking patterns.

Whether it was your mental health or a life situation, this has shaped your personality, so now , instead of the passive attitude you might have had, you gained a newfound sense of self which serves you the right way 🤍

Pile 2 🤍🌸

Card to represent your energy: 4 of swords

Additional cards: 10 of swords, 8 of swords rx , 5 of pentacles, the star, 3 of wands, knight of swords

I can see so many different scenarios in this pile ... I'll start with facing a closed door whenever you wanted to take an opportunity and get into a more favourable environment. Some of you might have felt like you hit rock-bottom really hard because... life , and life sucks sometimes. These situations might have left you discouraged to try again or rethink your strategy of approach.

For others could have been the fact that you couldn't actually change the element that was bringing you down. You had to endure it until you got a " right time " to act .

Now, you might find a plan, or you already have one, on how to change this and turn your fate around. Instead of feeling doom all over you, you gained some hope and a vision.

This will be something you initiate, you've prepared or are planning it still, but it's not going to be some changes that happen randomly. You will initiate the change.

Pile 3 🤍🌸

Card representing your energy: 9 of cups

Additional cards: 7 of swords, 10 of cups rx, king of pentacles, the devil, 8 of wands, 9 of swords.

When I saw the cards, my mind immediately went " toxic family " , " cutting family ties " . Now ... don't leave your family because some tarot girl on tumblr told you so, it just that I'm seeing some sort of toxic bond here, and self fulfilment after the situation is being dealt with. It could as well be related to you being able to support yourself without help from your family who might have been shaming you for relaying on them . It could be an emotional distance from your family that you take because they don't get you.

For others it could be a member of the family who decided to leave , or just someone who lived in the same house as you. If its a divorce... I'm sorry for everyone and I hope that things will get better soon for you ❤.

This reading has a lot of toxic, unwanted, delusional, shameful actions, mental escapism type of energy all around it.

I'm sorry I couldn't help more, buy yeah... your pile has a lot of fluctuating, uncertain energies around it.

#tarot reading #pac reading #free tarot reading #tarot spreads #tarot cards #tarot pac #pick a pile #pick a card reading #pick a pile reading #tarotcommunity #tarotonline #tarotblr

[dapg-otmebytheballs]

tell me what the video Basically, I’m Gay means to you?

It was way past midnight for me when the video dropped. The first thing I felt when I saw the title was, inexplicably, fear.

Or well, I can guess at where the fear came from. I've known what it's like being outed, I've felt that same kind of fear every time a family member brought up anything queer, that feeling of "oh god they know, do they know? what's going to happen now?" and I've never quite gotten over it. I knew it was a long time coming, but over the years it has become such an unspoken thing, the elephant in the living room, that my knee jerk reaction was to brace myself. I remember immediately getting up and getting into the washroom, locking the door, knowing that whatever it is gonna be I'm probably gonna want some privacy with it XD

And I did, I laughed and cried and remembered the best and the worst parts of being queer, but what I loved was, it didn't just feel like a confessional or an address or vlog. It was a proper essay, it was divided up so well and coherently, taking the biographical elements and basing thematic segments based on the issues that crop up at each stage in the journey. It is incredibly personal as such things often are... but it remains to me first and foremost beautifully academic.

Maybe that makes it boring or less impactful for some people. Personally, I was never one to watch personal accounts of oppression and call them "poignant". I've read and seen plenty, I offer all the strength to people who share them, I see the merits of it, but none of those accounts stick with me. What has stuck with me, over the years, what has genuinely moved me, is political and academic accounts of oppression. I feel more seen in them, I feel like they go to the crux of the issue, I feel empowered by them.

Yk why? Because if Dan had just talked about how he was bullied and his fears and insecurities, too many people could have easily looked away. Too many people can see those accountants say "well I'm not like that". When I read academic and politically charged accounts of oppression what stood out was the clarity. There's no obfuscation, there's no mystification, there's no 'oppressed' with vague faceless figures of bullies ('oppressors'), there's named methods of oppression, of validating those oppressive systems in the smallest ways that people are quick to ignore. Even now within queer circles we see so many people reinforcing oppressive systems, being casually misogynistic and racist and transmisogynistic and a number of things that they look away from because "I'm queer I can't be oppressing myself".

I understand personal accounts and I think they're great, but I do not like when these things are pinned on faceless bullies and a nebulous idea of "society". Who is "society"? No one knows. This is why it mattered so much to me that Basically I'm Gay wasn't just a story about overcoming struggles but also a systemic exploration of power systems and various facets of existing as a queer person in a queerphobic world. You can't look away from that. And the reason it sticks with me is precisely because of that, because the topic is given the political seriousness which it calls for.

Ik, we've watched Dan grow up before our eyes, ik this is deeply personal for so many people. But I much prefer when it's political honestly. I much prefer when it's academic. And I am much more moved emotionally by it because I find it a lot more empowering. I don't wanna talk about how oppressed we are without talking about how we are oppressed, by whom are we oppressed, how are these systems being kept in place. That's what BIG means to me, something that didn't shy away from making it political when it could have been left personal.

#asks #basically I'm gay #i rambled for a bit so I added the bold and italics to make it easier to read XD #dan howell #daniel howell

[naushtheaspiringauthor]

~Child Of The Storm~

Nikolai Lantsov x OC

Image by - @brokendreamtale2

Plot Summary-

Anaya Nasrazeen was the daughter of a well respected Grisha. Her parents had hoped for her to become a soldier in the second army and serve her country and she too, wished for the same. But soon all her hopes and dreams are crushed, when her family dies in a tragic shipwreck when she's twelve. She is found by a group of slave traders in Ketterdamn who sell her off to a wealthy councilman, who made her do all his dirtywork. She then meets Kaz Brekker, a member of a gang of theives called the dregs and joins them.

      She gets used to the harsh life of the barrel and enjoys being in the company of her friends. But her life takes a drastic turn, yet again. She is taken to the little palace when her Grisha abilities are seen by the dark general, when she tries to break in and steal some documents from his ship. Now, she has to live the life she had dreamt of as a child, but began to dread as she grew up. She has to learn to gain control of the very element she had began to fear, and overcome the haunting memories of her past.

QOTD- What's the pov that you like to read the most? For me, I feel more comfortable in writing in third person. I feel like I can show different aspects of the same story in third person.

Warnings- Bits of violence, ptsd, traumatic flashbacks throughout the chapters

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Ch-1 ~New waves bring new beginnings~

Anaya Nasrazeen had been called many things throughout her life in the city of Ketterdam, a theif, a murderer, a treacherous scum, a raven. It had all began when she had left the service of Councilman Henrik and had a gang of thieves called the dregs, pay off her indenture. To the eyes of the people, the councilman had provided her with everything a grisha slave could have asked for. Good food, a place to live, an identity and even a job at the Tidemaker tower. But what they didn't see was, how the councilman had made her go through countless methods of torture and pain so as to not feel it anymore. How he had made her take the lives of everyone who didn't abide by him. How he had made her into nothing but a mere puppet whose strings he controlled. So when a young criminal prodigy and a member of the dregs, Kaz Brekker, had seen her fight and kill, he had offered her a job and asked her to join them, and promised to have his boss pay off her indenture in return.

"Be careful" Anaya nearly stumbled upon the rocky gravel path as she heard the voice behind. She had been aware of the person's presence near her but hadn't expected her to say anything. A bronze little girl revealed herself infront of her. Her name was Inej Ghafa, but was commonly known in the barrel as the Wraith. She was no older than fifteen but had mastered the skill of creeping in the shadows and making herself disappear whenever she had wished. To say that Anaya trusted the girl would have been a far stretch, but she had been closer with her than she was, with anyone else in all of Ketterdam.

"Yeah, I will. What are you doing here though?" Anaya raised her eyebrows

"Making sure you don't abandon the job and go stealing from a bookstore...again"

Anaya felt wave of embarrassment wash over her face. She'd actually done that once, and had to listen to Kaz's taunting for a week. "Okay but in my defense, they were from my favorite author" she waved her arms aimlessly

"I would have came along but you're the only one who has the necessary knowledge on those grisha documents"

She'd been assigned to steal confidential documents from a ship of some second army soldiers and their general. What exactly they were doing at Ketterdam was still unknown to them but they aware of the importance that those documents held.

They bid farewells to each other and Anaya watched Inej disappear once more into the shadows.

                                       .............................................................................................................................

She walked for a few more minutes until the first harbor came into her sight, along with the ship she had been searching for. The Ravkan ship had been as huge as she had thought. It looked large enough to fit three buildings of the barrel.  She gave a tight squeeze to her blade, it provided her with a sense of comfort in a place like the barrel. She sneaked past the guards, and went inside the ship from a narrow window present at the back and landed on the floor with nothing more than a soft thud. She went down the large pathways and checked every chamber she was capable of.  She finally came across one that had a different look than the rest of the chambers. It didn't seem to have any windows near it and was locked. Surely has things inside that need protection, she thought.

She quickly took out a small pin from underneath her sleeve and pushed it gently inside the lock. A few turns and she heard a soft click. She moved inside and her suspicions were confirmed when she saw giant tables inside, loaded with documents and walls covered with different kinds of maps. She began looking around to find the documents she had came for. It took her a much less amount of time to find the documents, than she'd expected. She folded them up and hastened out of the chamber. Well that was easy, she thought to herself with a slight grin spread on her lips. But soon her happiness came to an end when she saw several second army soldiers standing infront of her on the deck, as if they were waiting for her.

Two squallers, one inferni and a tidemaker, she counted in her head. A squaller waved her hands and sent a wave of strong wind at her. It made her topple over but she quickly regained her balance and threw a small blade at her, but the squaller was quick to dodge it. Anaya took out her blade and charged at them. She plunged towards the other squaller, and slashed it towards him. The squaller dodged her attack and raised his arms to summon, but Anaya threw a hard punch at his chest and then brought out her knee to his left leg, making him fall back.

The tidemaker brought a giant wave of sea water at her, making her lose the hardened grip on her blade. Anaya thought of no other way and brought her hands up. She glide them around and brought a threw a massive wave back towards the tidemaker. The squaller went up against her once again and she sent a giant wave towards her with a greater effort. She spun around and moved her hand near her waist and threw a wave at he squaller once again but the inferni burned it down. Damned infernis, she cursed under her breath. Before she could act again, she felt an intense thump in her heart. It felt like her heart was trying very hard to burst out of her chest, then she felt her whole body go numb. She lost all her balance and fell down. She then watched the world around her go dark.

#grishaverse #shadow and bone #nikolai lantsov x reader #nikolai lanstov #nikolai lantsov #nikolai lantsov fanfiction #six of crows #nikolai lanstov x reader

[jazzpostsstuff]

Chapter: AXL Development Documents, Initial Story Concept PART 3

If you happen to wonder why this project has some psychological or just some heavy themes that haven't been explored by the series prior, it's because the creation of this fanfiction happened to coincide with some bad and traumatic stuff I've experienced a mere month after I decided to make Chapter: AXL into a real thing. Usually when you feel like something is getting really good, there would be a moment you will just spiral down to the depths. Both your existence and mental state fall so deep you would look back at who you were before and not recognise that person anymore.

Going through a sudden loss of a loved one while you're still a child (or rather a teenager in my case but I can say I had a mind of a child at that time) is always devastating, and going through that together with your family can be even more soul-crushing because you see their pain and suffer even more from inability to influence your other family members, feeling weak and even going insane from that sometimes. Knowing that the last time I was optimistic was when I wasn't accepting the death of a family member and was trying everything to make them open their eyes and speak again has been making myself sad everytime I looked back at who I was just one and a half years ago. I am even tearing up while writing this right now, so I am clearly not helping myself here.

You can never truly recover from something like this. You can only overcome, let go and enter a new chapter fo your life as a new person. You would look back at the past, at the good moments you had so long ago, maybe you'll smile, maybe you'll get sad again, but just try looking at the bright side. Those happy memories were something that happened to you. The people you see in them might be gone, but it would've made them sad if you just gave up after the loss. You was strong enough to get back up and learn how to live again, despite everything you went through. And if you're still there, at the bottom, it can motivate you to get better for them and maybe regain the optimism or happiness that was lost.

If you fear death after an experience like this... I know how hard it isfor some because I've been there, but just try to accept your mortality. Knowing that you can't stay alive for all eternity would make you cherish the time you have on this Earth more and live a life to the fullest (within reason). Eternal life would just make you less human eventually (which was also something that happened to X prior to Zero series as well so here's an example of how living forever can suck).

"Why is it in a Megaman fanfic?". Well, I always related to Axl and I managed to bond even more with him after what I went through (the loss of a family member at a relatively young age, to be exact). Besides, Axl's story was supposed to be grimmer and deeper according to one of the producers of X7. I felt like taking a psychological approach to the story of Chapter: AXL and exploring the trauma that you get after experiencing horrific events only made sense. However, I am still not going into that topic too deep because I am still writing a Megaman story, but maybe you can argue that I still can do that because it's based off MMZ, but we have to remember that it's a story about war and hope - a hope for a better peaceful future that comes after the worst, like the light in the darkest depths you could've fell into.

You have to retain this hopefulness, give a breathing room after a disaster and not bombard the player reader with depression all the way through.

#fanproject #megamanzero #mmz #megaman #megamanfanproject #rockman #rockmanzero #ChAZ #Chapter: AXL #feelings #deep thoughts #hopefulness #dealing with loss #dealing with grief #overcoming

[sleepingpopplio]

Observations for Bnha volume 37’s cover

Ok there is so much going on in this cover that I don’t even know where to begin and it’s pretty difficult for me to articulate my thoughts when I get scatter brained like this, so here are some important observations I made.

The cover looks similar to the draft version of volume 29’s clover, with the feral deku front in center mourning his injured friends. Except this time, it’s just him and an injured Bakugo— both have a feral deku, and both have an injured, unconscious Bakugo 

This cover reminds me of certain comic book illustrations of heros holding injured friends/loved ones/family members in their arms. I am not implying anything in particular, take that information as you will, but it definitely does display closeness between Izuku and Katsuki. 

The red used in the background is pretty much the exact same shade of red as the cover of volume 10. Both of these volumes also include hand imagery, as the force of AFO (with Shiguraki under his control/manipulation) stands in their way as heroes and in the way of their development as people and friends

The color same shade of red also appears in many other volumes, such as volumes 2, 8, and 12

This is clearly a pattern, and brining things back to volume 10 again because it is the most similar in terms of design motifs, we are coming back

Red is an extreme color, and is typically used to indicate danger, violence, and general intensity. It is also the color of blood and as we know, Katsuki’s blood has been spilt in an attempt to get to Izuku (which worked before Mirio stepped in as an emergency therapist lol)

@siflshonen told me that red in a Japanese cultural context, red can mean happiness, and is used for special events such as weddings. I’m personally not thinking too hard about this, but it’s still an interesting and thought provoking fun fact I found out as I was trying to dig around for info! (Also, take this information as you )

The red string of fate also exists in Japanese culture. The string is typically depicted as being tied to fingers, and interestingly enough this cover is filled with fingers in the background that happen to be red. Now I am taking this one more seriously, as this could be a sign of how Bakugo and Midoriya’s fates are intertwined within both their lives and the legacy of AFO & OFA (they each represent one half of heroism— saving and winning— afterall) (ps. I’m not necessarily implying a romantic subtext to this, but I do think fate is a key part of MHA’s story and Bakugo and Midoriya’s close relationship)

The colors of Deku’s new costume currently seem to be inconsistent throughout all the images we’ve gotten of it thus far. WHERE IS THE REFERENCE HORIKOSHI I HAVE TO KNOW WHAT COLOR IT IS

Not having character references is an artist’s worst nightmare, trust me

Deku’s face is covered by his cape. This was shown in multiple chapters, but clearly horikoshi wants us to notice as it is front and center. The last time deku’s face was covered was duing the vigilante arc, and I’ve already talked about how much trauma and pain he was trying to hide during that time. This is probably a similar case

We cannot see his expressions with his mouth, so we have no indication on whether he is smiling like he does when he wants to save, or a frown like when he wants to destructively win

This is not a good thing— this is a warning to the audience to be on the lookout for some more moral dilemmas and emotional hurdles for deku to overcome. 

Finally, it should be noted that this is the 3rd volume cover to just have Bakugo and Deku on it— no one else. The first one was volume 2, then volume 29, and now volume 37

The volumes start with a literal rift between Bakugo and Midoriya, and they clearly are on opposing sides. We then transition into Bakugo reaching his hand out to (kid) deku, and the gap between them is now being bridged by Bakugo’s outreached hand. We then end with this volume, with Deku supporting Bakugo’s body. The point I’m trying to make is that they ae slowing getting physically closer to eachother with each of these 3 volumes. This clearly shows the growth and recovery of their relationship.

In the 2nd volume I mentioned (volume 29), Bakugo is reaching his hand out to deku while in this volume (volume 37) Deku is putting his hand on Bakugo, almost like he is accepting the hand that Bakugo offered to him. Of course he can’t physically reach out to Bakugo’s hand since he’s kinda sorta dead at the moment, but the symbolism of accepting Bakugo’s hand is there.

Also quick shoutout to @mettywiththenotes for being the first post I saw to mention the similarities between the covers for volumes 10 and 37, right after I was shouting about it to people on discord lol it made me really happy

#Bnha #mha #boku no hero academia #my hero academia #bnha spoilers #bnha manga spoilers #bnha manga #bnha meta #midoriya izuku #izuku midoriya #bakugo katsuki #katsuki bakugo #I really do think that the development of their relationship is amazing #This really is a fantastic cover art with so many little details it’s insane #I might add more observations to this as I notice things but we’ll see #bnha volume 37 #Bakudeku #Bkdk #i see them as a tad more platonic but i think this makes sense to tag too just in case

[maleyanderecafe]

Now, My Lady, It's Time for Romance (Manga)

Created by: Kutabi

Genre: Josei/Romance

There sure are a lot of Yandere guys in yakuza stories huh? This one was one that Cherry recommended me. I can't remember if this one has been recommended before, but it reminds me a bit of Kare Joshi Kasahara Ichika (25) ha Hentai ni Sukare yasui -Elite Megane ha Stalker, both in terms of my opinions and MCs, so there is also that.

The story is about Ritsu, the daughter of a yakuza who works at an office. She suffers social anxiety, so she comes off more aloof than she wants to be, in addition to many people shunning her after they found out she was part of the yakuza. She has her personal guard, Yaezo (or her "dog" as he describes it), who is popular with the ladies. The two go to meet Ritsu's dad, who declares that he will put Ritsu in an arranged marriage if she can't find someone else within six months. Ritsu ends up asking Yaezo if he can be her practice boyfriend. Some foreplay happens and the next day, Ritsu attempts to get closer to her coworkers by drinking together. Yaezo comes in and introduces himself as her boyfriend before bringing her home and doing some more foreplay. The next day after work, she bumps into another strange guy, and when he goes home to tell Yaezo, he gets jealous. There's a more sexy times and a misunderstanding the next day, making it seem that Yaezo doesn't really care about Ritsu, only really doing this as a job. Ritsu saves the guy she met the day before, Tohji, who is actually a member of a different yakuza club. The two hang out getting sweets together until it rains, and he attempts to bring Ritsu home. Yaezo saves her from Tohji, but because Ritsu believes Yaezo and her don't share mutual feelings, the two have some drama happen. The next day, Ritsu is saddened by the exchange from the previous day and ends up going to Tohji's place. We get a flashback on Yaezo, how his father was abusive and tries to make him kidnap Ritsu so he could ransom money from them. He ends up going to the park and befriending her. He ends up getting adopted by his grandmother and moved away, becoming a gang member after he came back to Ritsu's family. Yaezo breaks into Tohji's place and saves Ritsu, confessing to her and having sex afterwards. Yaezo asks Ritsu's dad for Ritsu's hand in marriage, to which he has no problem with that because the arranged marriage thing was just to get the two together in the first place (wow, ultimate wingman dad). The two live happily after that.

Ritsu as a main character is pretty standard for a lot of these Josei/Shoujoesque stories, where she's shy, not experienced with sex or romance and a bit bland. I guess she's... fine. I like that she still has a bit of a side plot of overcoming her social anxiety, but seeing as the story is more focused on romance and sexy times it doesn't take a ton of presidency in the story. Other than that I don't really have much of an opinion on her.

In terms of yandere actions, Yaezo's pretty light since it corresponds with his job as a bodyguard, though he does go the extra mile of tracking her, being jealous when other guys approach her, pretending to be her boyfriend amongst other things. In the story he doesn't go as far as actually protect her from other kidnappings like a lot of other yakuza style yandere stories but he is pretty jealous and manipulative in a lot of cases, making her stay away from other guys and generally being pretty overprotective. Because it's a josei, there's a lot of pseudo sex (foreplay, I guess) before the last chapter the two actually do get together.

Overall, the story was... okay? It does a lot of shoujo things like the MC being sort of shy (despite the fact that she's a yakuza's daughter), having misunderstanding in terms of feelings and the ever loving second male lead. I like that Ritsu does have to overcome her social anxiety, but since it's not the main plot of the story, it sort of becomes a back turned thing after a while. If you did like the first story I linked, then you'll likely like this one. I personally didn't think all that much about it, but I'm sure that many will like it.

#now my lady it’s time for romance #male yandere #yandere boy #yandere #recommendation #manga #completed