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sturnlovr · 5 days

Text

𝑷𝑶𝑳𝑨𝑹𝑶𝑰𝑫 ┆彡

Pairing: boyfriend/dom!chris • poc/sub!reader

Summary: you and your boyfriend are messing around with a polaroid camera, which suddenly takes a quick turn . . .

Warnings: smuttyy, p in v, overstimulation, pet names (baby), fingering, degradation if you squint, faux sympathy, getting caught?, oral (fem receiving), choking.

Authors note: SORRY THIS IS REALLY SHORT IM WORKING ON A LONGER FIC RN AND THIS IS JS A LITTLE FILLER (also i didnt add a taglist because its not letting me tag people)

NOT PROOF READ !!

comment here to be added to the taglist

𓂃⊹ ִֶָ

You were currently in the triplets house, specifically your boyfriend, chris sturniolos room. You were taking polaroids of him in his clothing brand, fresh love to post on insta and include in orders.

"Okay, now just sit still on the bed with your arms crossed . . . no wait run your fingers through your hair theres a peice sticking out" You try to explain to chris who was lost in his own world.

"Like this?" He questions, running his hands through his locks, the triggering strand of hair still out of place.

You groan, growing annoyed,

"No, just like this," you huff, straddling him to fix it and any other imperfections. Your tits slightly bounce infront of his face, you feel him smirk under you and the tent in his grey fresh love sweats slowly rising.

The boy puts his hands on your hips initiating you to rock on his lap,

"Chris we need to finish these pictures," You breathe out, trying to hide how turned on and wet your becoming. His grip on you is so strong that your struggling to get out of it.

"I was thinking we could take some photos of you?" Your boyfriend suggests, still keeping his firm grip, tracing random lines with his finger on your thighs.

"I dont know chris.." You bury your head in his neck, you have always been camera shy.

"It'll be fun baby, i promise" He whispers the last part in your ear before gently nibbling on it, making you practically drenched through your clothed pussy.

You nod and pull him in for a kiss which was soft and sensual, which turned into a sloppy and heated one. He bites your bottom lip, swapping spit with you. You start to grind on him, making him groan into the kiss which gave you a chance for your toungue to take dominance. He quickly grabs the camera, snapping a polaroid of the two of you making out and letting the photo drop on the bed.

You both pull away, his lips swollen, puffy and tinted purple. Chris removes your oversized fresh love shirt which left you in only your thong, no bra. He picks you up and places you on the edge of his bed. Chris forces your legs open, smiling at the thong that your wearing. it's his favourite.

He yanks it off, stuffing it into his pocket. The confused expression on your face is interrupted by chris' toungue plunging into your hole. His toungue explored your walls, it didnt seem like he was going to stop anytime soon. He was drunk on your pussy. His toungue pulled out and flicked your clit. As you reached your high, you let a loud moan slip out which causes him to stop.

"We have to be quiet baby, you dont want my brothers to hear your pretty noises do you?" You mutter a soft okay before chris runs a finger through your folds collecting your juices and bringing it to his mouth, pulling them out, making a pop sound while keeping intense eye contact before switching his focus back to your pussy.

"So fucking wet for me" He groans with his mouth near your entrance which sent vibrations through your body making you cover your mouth with your hand, hiding your moans. He takes the polaroid camera and takes a shot of your drenched pussy.

Without warning, your boyfriend pushes a finger into you, you whimper quietly feeling empty.

"Chris..." you whine,

The brunette chuckles at the sight of you,

"Awh, does the slut want more of my fingers?" He puts in another finger, thrusting it in and out at a high speed, curling it into your g-spot.

"Fuck this," He says in a low tone, slapping your hand away from your mouth,

"Wanna hear those pretty sounds," He adds a third finger into you. You move your hands to his brown curls, tugging at them while pornographic moans leave your mouth. Nick and Matt can definitely hear you.

"Oh, s-shit" you barely get the words out.

"Tell me what you want baby," His thumb finds your clit and starts to circle it.

"f-fuck i need you in m-me" you stutter as your legs start to shake, chris pulls you into another messy kiss, his fingers still moving at rapid speed.

"Let go for me ma" You instantly cream, your cum dripping out of you, of course ; chris takes another photo of this. He moves you further into the bed and flips you over so your head is facing the bed.

Chris takes his sweatpants and boxers off, throwing them somewhere in the room. He slaps your ass, kneading it shortly after.

"Ass up,"

you comply with his orders, raising your ass so it's on display below him. He hums and gives you another smack to your ass, leaving a stinging sensation.

He teases you, running his length across your entrance a few times before ramming into you, making you scream and see stars. He brings his mouth down to your back and peppers wet kisses in a trail, sucking on certain places being sure to leave a mark. He quietly whimpers, enjoying the feeling of being in you while trying to keep his dominant act.

"You close?" Chris pants, keeping his fast pace intact. You attempt to respond, but it comes out as estranged moans,

"Im fucking you dumb hm? you can't even get a word out. it's pathetic. " He scoffes and wraps his hand around your neck, slightly squeezing it. You squirm under him, trying to be free of his grasp, your sensitive bud pulsating at every thrust.

"Take it," He says through his teeth, throwing his head back at how tight you are. His thrusts start to get sloppier and slow down,

"Cum with me ma" You both release at the same time, his seed and your juices spill out together, Chris takes a polaroid of your mess before taking you to the shower to get cleaned up.

𓂃⊹ ִֶָ

You and chris come home from a date the next day, his arm around your shoulder as you enter his room to see matt holding one of the polaroids you guys took the other night. Your eyes instantly widen at the boy in chris' room, his face scrunched up with disgust. He turns to chris, not even looking at you.

"Next time, keep your door locked if you have weird shit like this in here"

He walks out, throwing the polaroid in his brothers face, who laughs at this. Your face burns with embarrassment, turning your dark skin to the slightest colour of pink.

𓂃⊹ ִֶָ

#sturniolo triplets #chris sturniolo #matt sturniolo #nick sturniolo #christopher sturniolo #nicolas sturniolo #sturniolo fanfic #sturniolo smut #sturniolo x reader #matthew sturniolo #chris smut

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razorspidey · 15 days

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intro ⋆ READ B4 INTERACTING ⌁

my name is ajax/reo (you can call me either of those names) my pronouns are he/xe i am a minor (i'm 4teen) and i used to be @spinnspidey and @radiospidey and @knifespidey (that was the more known one) but i got t worded (again...). to whoever got me t worded, block dnt report. thanks!! ૮ ˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶ ა yeah so heres my intro. i'm a little bit of a weirdo if i do say so myself and i'm heavily tumblr obsessed so yeah i'll be on here nd i'll probably post a lot ^^ i'll post whatever goes through my mind which might be bad so warning on that. i might show symptoms of mental illnesses and if i do then mb idk not really my problem… but heads up i WILL say shit that shows that im not doing great. please do not try to save me or smth. also im looking for friends so bmf i promise im nice. DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT PROMOTE ANYTHING THAT I POST. I AM POSTING AS A WAY TO VENT.

more info + stats under the cut!!! (tw for talking about sh + ed. don't like, don't read.)

sh﹐tw . . . ⋆ i have been cvtting since 2022 ⋆ i have hit styro ⋆ only styro on my thighs ⋆ i am not allowed to cvt anymore (unfortunately) ⋆ i have cvt my thighs, arms, stomach, and neck ⋆ most scars on thighs + arms ⋆ mostly cat scratches ⋆ all scars have healed (or are almost done in the process of healing) ⋆ my parents found out so i can't do it for now... (⇀‸↼‶)

ed﹐tw . . . ⋆ i have always hated my body ⋆ started trying to lose weight january 2023 ⋆ started around december 2023 (probably before, like over the summer but idk...) ⋆ 160 cm (last time i measured myself at least..) ⋆ sw 57.6 kg (bmi 22.5) ⋆ cw 51.2 kg (bmi 20) [will update every morning] ⋆ gw 1 50 kg (bmi 19.5) ⋆ gw 2 45 kg (bmi 17.6) ⋆ gw 3 40 kg (bmi 15.6) ⋆ ugw 38 kg (bmi 14.8) [or lower tbh...] last updated 24.04.24 (will update when my period ends)

dni . . . ⋆ basic dni (idrc ngl, do what you want but don't report me thanks) ⋆ judgmental people ⋆ overly sensitive people ⋆ people who aren't ok w dark topics/get uncomfortable by stuff like that (this is more for you than for me, i dont wanna make anyone upset) ⋆ people who get triggered by talking about sh, ⭐️ving, alcohol, etc… (yes i am aware that it's bad, no don't come to my dms with a savior complex telling me to get help. i'm trying to get help) ⋆ i block freely btw cuz ik a lot of ppl dont respect dni lists + theres people who are unavoidable at times…

byi . . . ⋆ if you interact with me, i might seem excited n stuff ⋆ i might sound like i'm flirting but i'm not (i have a partner and i love them) ⋆ i can make a lot of sex jokes ⋆ i am very immature ⋆ dnt try to "fix" me, i'll probably block you or ignore you ⋆ i'm a little unusual so yeah ⋆ dnt be scared to interact w me i luv talking to peopleヾ(≧∇≦)ゞ ⋆ i am not pro €d or $h i just post about it and my experience…

fandoms . . . ⋆ hypmic (hypnosis mic) ⋆ genshin impact ⋆ paralive (paradox live) ⋆ servamp ⋆ tougen anki ⋆ karneval ⋆ bsd (bungou stray dogs) ⋆ seraph of the end ⋆ litc (lost in the cloud) ⋆ kagerou daze ⋆ the case study of vanitas ⋆ pandora hearts ⋆ enstars (ensemble stars) (i am KIND OF a part of it because my ex filled me up on a lot of lore when we were together…) ⋆ pjsk (project sekai) ⋆ theres probably some others but i forgot…

interests . . . ⋆ vkei ⋆ scene ⋆ anything bloody ⋆ cannibalism (ooh edgy) ⋆ tortures ⋆ psychology ⋆ music (i listen to vkei, scene, metal, etc…) ⋆ vampires ⋆ fanfiction (mostly genshin but other stuff occassionally) ⋆ true crime (im not tcc) ⋆ rarepairs (mostly genshin) ⋆ bats ⋆ writing ⋆ books ⋆ etc… ⋆ btw if youre interested in any of these or are interested becoming friends PLEASEEE message me 🙏🙏😓 im looking for friends pleaseplwaseplease

tags . . . ⋆ i tag all my posts with #razorspidey ⋆ i tag my normal posts with #razorspideys normal posts, meaning they are unrelated to $h and/or €d related things ⋆ i dont have a specific tag for $h/€d/vent related things so beware. i usually put a warning on all my posts like that at the end of the post tho ⋆ i tag my moodboard with #razorspideys moodboards ⋆ i tag stuff about me/my life as #razorspideys diary ⋆ i tag my rants/more serious posts with #razorspidey rants ⋆ block any of those tags or my blog if you do not wish to see it!!!

other links . . . ⋆ fanfic/dead dove: do not eat blog ⋆ poem blog ⋆ carrd

remember!!! block DONT report this blog if you need to ^^ this blog is meant as a way to vent my feelings/talk about my feelings so please don't dm me about how its bad. i am aware.

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bonny-kookoo · 11 months

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Jungkook

𝓜𝓮𝓪𝓷𝓽 𝓽𝓸 𝓫𝓮 : Dont be scared

Sometimes, death is a beginning and not an end.

Tags/Warnings: Angst, hurt & Comfort, Idol!Jungkook, Hybrid!Reader, Cat Hybrid!Reader, mentions of depression and depressive thoughts, heartbreak, homelessness, it's a bit heavy sorry, mentions of mental abuse and manipulation, betrayal, slow burn, eventual smut, dead dove do not eat

Dead Dove do not eat: warning for potentially triggering content that can't be tagged without spoiling the story.

Length: 2.2k Words.

-> Masterlist

~✿~;~✿~;~✿~;~✿~;~✿~;~✿~;~✿~;~✿~;~✿~;~✿~;~✿~;~✿~

"I didn't think.. it would, you know, cause something like this." Hanako says quietly, her voice all raspy from crying so much. Jungkook is standing at the end of the hallway, looking out the window. He's not said anything these past few hours since the last nurses had left your room- and Hanako herself had been consoled by her boyfriend as she'd cried to herself.

Jungkook wasn't crying. Not anymore. There was no reason to.

"They didn't tell me- You know, I told you didn't I? I didn't know-" She continues to try and justify her actions of failing to meet the deadline of your heat implant. She'd just left it there for almost an entire year, when it's supposed to be checked and changed every three months, didn't bring you to any of your medical appointments any longer, and Jungkook himself snaps as he hears the young man next to her try and tell her it wasn't her fault.

"You could've asked." He growls, not turning around- but Hanako can see his reflection in the window, rain outside in the nightsky pattering against the glass with just as much force as it takes him to hold his emotions in check it seems like. "She had regularly scheduled appointments that you did not take her to- for nine months." He continues stabbing at her, uncaring of hurting her emotionally. "If anyone is at fault here, it is indeed you." He finishes, and the young man next to her gets up to argue. "Sit down, and shut up. You don't even have the right to be here in the first place." Jungkook turns around and points at the seat, eyebrows lowered and eyes sharp as he clenches his jaw.

"Jungkook, I didn't mean for this to happen-" Hanako cries, trying to regain his sympathy in any way she can. But he doesn't budge.

"Save it." He simply says, staring at the closed hospital room with a heavy heart. "It's not like it matters anymore anyways."

~✿~;~✿~;~✿~;~✿~;~✿~;~✿~;~✿~;~✿~;~✿~;~✿~;~✿~;~✿~

"What're you doing?" Namjoon wonders, carefully peeking into the room he remembers the singer being so protective about. Today, it's brightly lit by the opened windows, curtains blowing in the slight breeze while Jungkook is busying himself folding freshly washed laundry.

Clothes that clearly aren't his- but yours.

"Moving on." Jungkook calmly states, taking in a deep breath as he continues to fold another shirt of yours, your bed clearly made, shelves dusted off, carpet vacuumed. The time capsule has been opened, revealed, and now- time has begun to tick away again, the frozen state of the entire room shattered. "Just like you told me to." He nods to himself, continuing his task.

"Jungkook.." He tries, but he knows there's nothing he can say that would help. There's still a long road ahead of the young man, no matter how much he wants to say that he's fine. Things happened, and with everything going down, it's no wonder that there will probably be some lasting effects of those things happening to him. No one should have to go through this- and unless the industry changes at least some way to protect their artist's private life or puts up boundaries for fans to stay behind, it'll happen again and again and again.

And not everyone is as strong as Jungkook. Not everyone can just accept things like this.

"Are you okay?" He asks softly, unsure how to approach his friend.

"I am." He agrees, putting everything in a neat pile, before he puts them into a black traveling bag. "Or.. I will be." He shrugs, walking back to the window, closing it.

"Are you sure that.. this is a good idea?" The bandleader asks. "Your career is at an all-time high. A hiatus right now-"

"Is just what I need." Jungkook finishes, sighing. "It's just a couple of weeks. I just.. need time. I can't just pretend like nothing happened." He explains with a somber tone, pulling the pale pink curtains shut. "The company has already painted out a convincing story as to why I'm going to be taking time off. Hyung- just.. let me have this. I need some time to think." He simply sighs out, before zipping the black travel bag close.

Like a silent request for his bandleader to leave.

And so he does- because maybe Jungkook really does need some time for just himself.

~✿~;~✿~;~✿~;~✿~;~✿~;~✿~;~✿~;~✿~;~✿~;~✿~;~✿~;~✿~

It's raining.

The sun is shining, but it's raining.

You don't remember it raining that day, back when Jungkook still loved you. You don't remember ever going to a place like this with him- but maybe you did, and this dream is simply calling back those buried memories you've somehow forgotten. "The forecast didn't mention rain.." He mumbles with a slight pout in his voice, scrolling through his phone behind you, hand on your shoulder. The warmth of it seeps through your fluffy cardigan- he has always been warm, no matter the situation. Whether it was his body, or his smile, or the color of his eyes- all of it was always warm. And it made you feel warm, too.

You watch as the leaves of the potted plants dip in rhythm of the thick drops of rain hitting the leaves. It's like they're dancing to the faint music playing in a cafe close by. Can plants feel warm too?

"It should stop soon, though. See?" Jungkook points at the sky, his inked hand coming into view for you- and you can't help but focus more on the veins over the back of his hand, ink slightly blurred out from the time it's been there- purple heard a bit splotchy, but present. Maybe your mind can't really remember it well enough to paint it out properly. Have you ever looked at his tattoos in detail?

Maybe you should've.

"Silly cat, up there." He chuckles, taps your chin with his other hand to move your gaze towards the sky. He's right.

The thick dark clouds have broken up, sun finally able to peek through the cracks, warming your face up almost instantly. You have to close your eyes a little as to not get blinded. But you also don't want to- cause if you do, the dream will end, and you don't want that to happen. Not yet.

You want to dream a bit longer.

Taking a look around yourself, you realize that you don't remember this place. Nothing seems to recall any memories for you- and the writing on the signs close by, you can't read. Looking down at yourself, you're dressed in white. Your dress is a little wet on top of your chest from the rain, some other drops sparkling in the fluff of your cardigan. Even your shoes are white- shiny white mary janes you don't remember owning at all.

You look like a ghost.

There's a small snail in front of one of your feet. You can spot Jungkook's larger shoes behind yours- black combat boots with a thick and broad sole, making him even taller than he used to be next to you. You bend down to pick the little insect up by it's colorful swirled housing, and you notice your fingers are all red. Maybe you're cold.

But you don't feel cold?

You walk to the plants who are still dancing in the rain, placing the snail in the soil underneath the large leaves so it won't get crushed, won't get wet. It's a dream, isn't it? But even in a dream, you'd hate to accidentally hurt the little thing.

"Hey- baby you'll get wet, come here." Jungkook softly says, pulling you back underneath the small roof of the cafe you're standing in front of. The music is coming from there, inside, you notice. It's unfamiliar. Instrumental. A nice, calm tune, for a cozy feeling. Do they sell cakes and coffee in there? Can you even enjoy these things as a ghost any longer?

Maybe if you just try and remember the taste of it, it'll be the same.

"What's gotten you so deep in thought, hm?" Jungkook asks, hands wiping your cat ears dry with his sleeve, and it feels nice. You've not looked at him. In a way, you're scared of what you'll see.

You remember that all your dreams always end with him mad at you, as soon as you look at his face. You don't want that right now. This dream is too pretty as it is.

So you just shrug, unable to give an answer. What answer could a ghost give anyways?

"Your hands are all cold-" Jungkook notices, holding them in his own, and you look at them for a moment. This hand doesn't have tattoos. It's bare, but the veins underneath are still present. His nails are short and round, but his knuckles seem like he's hurt them some time ago. Like the scabs have just about fallen off, skin underneath still pink and new, standing out against his otherwise familiar complexion.

Warm, just like the palms of his hands.

You look at your own, one of your hands slipping out of his featherlight grasp, as it notices something underneath your cardigan. A bump of some sorts, and it makes you a little anxious. Your dream is shifting it seems, thunder scaring you for a moment, making you shrink in on yourself for a split second, before you pull up your sleeve despite the small scare.

Your hand is so cold, and the thick bandage feels weird. You want it off.

You pull on the edges of it, fiddling around, when his inked hand pulls your fingers away with gentle motions. "No no no angel, you gotta leave that." He tells you, other hand adjusting your sleeve again to hide your arm.

You whine in complaint. You don't want it, and it's a dream anyways. It'll turn on you no matter what you do, so you try and do it again. It makes him chuckle, of all things. He should get mad instead. This dream is so confusing- and why is he holding onto you like that anyways?

Suddenly, the cars all seem to pass by way too fast, way too loud. There's people, and you're scared to look at their faces, because what it they're monsters waiting to shake you awake? Your head whips from side to side, unsure where to look. Someone yells something in the distance, but it's in a language you don't speak, and can't remember ever hearing.

This isn't a dream anymore- it's a nightmare.

The sky won't clear up like Jungkook had told you it would. In fact, the thunder seems to roar so loud it rattles your bones, and the music behind you appears to be more so loud than soothing as it was before. There's so much going on, way more than your ears can follow, and your breath quickens as you begin to feel light-headed, nauseous.

This isn't right.

None of this is right.

Jungkook had tried to save you, no? You remember him holding you, back when you were hiding, when the world of ghosts had called you. You remember his scent, and the way he cried- is he sad now that you're gone? And if he's still alive, then who's the Jungkook that's holding onto you right now? Is he just a figment of your imagination, never to have a soul and heart like the real one did?

You're scared. You don't want jungkook to be alone.

He's always been an introvert, had told you that he doesn't mind being by himself. He loves performing, loves his idol life, but he also hates everything that comes with it. He'd once told you that it annoys him that while he has the money to do whatever he'd dreamt of as a kid, he now can't do it because he's got to make sure no one will ever see him. You remember how heartbroken he'd been for his brother Jin when his fiance had been attacked by obsessive stalkers, the poor young woman's identity revealed against her will-

And that's when everything changed, it seems like.

Maybe he'd realized how unrealistic a future with you would be if his brother and Bandmate couldn't even date a regular human woman. If he was to ever say out loud that he was in love with a hybrid of all things, his life would just shatter into pieces, wouldn't it?

Maybe that's the real reason he got rid of you. So he could keep on living his dream.

Jungkooks arms are pulling you now, somewhere dark, behind the store, and you can't see all of a sudden, as if something is blocking your eyes. It's dark, your sight gone, and you're sure you're trying to scream- But in a dream, no one hears you. Your ears are useless, ringing with the chime of a thousand bells, the blood rushing in your head drowning out anything else you could her. You want to yell, but even when alive, you'd never been able to scream either.

And as a ghost, could anyone even hear you at all?

#bts imagine #bts fanfic #bts fic #jungkook imagine #hybrid imagine #bts jungkook fanfic #bts jungkook imagine #bts jeon jungkook imagine #jeon jungkook imagine #jeon jungkook x reader

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suncaptor · 11 months

Note

hi! i hope you don't mind me asking, but i need a certified opinion on sam winchester and you seemed like the person to go to :D

could you rec me some good sam-centric fic & character studies? preferably for early seasons or pre-series?

i'm showing spn to a friend and they like sam a lot, but we are both. somewhat afraid to go into the tag lol. so I figured you could have something nice bookmarked or there's maybe a rec list i dont know about.

thanks!

Okay I actually mostly read later seasons Sam stuff (or at least s5+) because the more trauma the better <3 but here are some that are either sam studies that include earlier stuff or earlier/preseries (like kripke era)

DO check trigger warnings! since these are (mostly) pre hell (and I would not read w*) they aren't as bad as some of the sam & lucifer fics I'd share, but some still have different potentially triggering themes (like addiction, suicide, etc, so please just be careful! I'm assuming you can check the tags on ao3 <3)

also some are 18+, not sure your age but I don't personally want my followers talking to me about nsfw content if they are minors. so be wary around that too, but they're all outer links so ao3 will have them rated/stop you etc.

Sam w/ OCD rec list & my old Sam rec list

samjess

Sunlight by sp8ce, samjess

The first time Sam tastes blood it's human blood, and it feels like shame and the closest he has been to truly human wrapped up in one. He's never been so safe and in love. The second time it's electric and consuming. He has nothing left, but the desire to chase the power and hold on to the objective of revenge, only still connected at her touch. The third time, he's pretty sure it will kill him, burn him like purifying light from the inside out. --- An exploration of Sam and consuming blood. This work is the first time: with Jessica Moore.

also if you like samjess sp8ce has later seasons ghost samjess too<3

sam & john

the type who doesn't burn by patrocluus

On a late October afternoon in 1997, John Winchester takes his son out into the woods and puts a bullet between his eyes.

make a mirror out of you by sp8ce - john kills jess (it's john pov though)

The thing about Jessica's death is that it makes Sa,m understand John more than anything else ever could and choose everything John's ever wanted Sam to choose. Azazel always seems to have John's silhouette.

sam / gen or multi

This Is the Way (The World Ends) by Lise

In Georgia hunting a skinwalker, Dean saw Sam. AU. Like, really.

Weblike Causality by sp8ce

Which came first? The fear or the inevitability?

instrument by sp8ce

Sam Winchester grasps with his own personhood.

Polaroid Sun Picture by sp8ce

Sam has been stalked his whole life in order to be manipulated into an instrument of his worst fears. He has no privacy to himself. He has no defence.

therefore I react by sp8ce

for a while, in the cage, all Sam sees is a tree.

(okay so I've tried to not give you any lucifer stuff but this one is a sam & learnt helplessness thesis for connecting past & present)

This Kid's Not Alright by safiyabat

What exactly did Sam get up to at Bobby's while Dean was at Sonny's? When John makes a very odd request of the older hunter, Bobby takes the boy into his home for a few months. It isn't an easy time for either of them.

the easy way out and the hardest part by queenbaskerville

Sam would rather die than be Lucifer's vessel. Lucifer will just resurrect him now, but there was a time before the seals were broken—a time before Sam broke the seals. To save the world, to save Dean—Sam knows what he has to do.

The Special Children by TheMightiestPen

After Dean reveals his Dad’s last words, he asks Sam to lay low for a while. This time, Sam says no. This time, Sam goes all in in his search for the other kids like him. S2 AU, for spnhiatuscreations on tumblr for week 5: favorite season.

sam & dean

Dear Abel by lowkey_existential_despair (it has samjess/early sam&dean basis okay)

It wasn’t always like this, is the thing. There used to be a time when caring about Dean was more than just a habit. There was a time, once, when seeing Dean with demon-black eyes would’ve been the worst thing in the world. But that was a long time ago. Now, he looks at this black-eyed version of Dean—wrapped in layers of chains, in pain, sobbing quietly—and he feels nothing. Nothing at all.

Purify by cenotaphy

"We know what happens when Sam drinks demon blood.

…but what happens when Sam drinks angel blood?"

Set at the end of season 4, before Sam gets out of the panic room.

Hell Fractal by sp8ce

Sam's last real memory is of Dean stabbing him after he let Lucifer out. Sam keeps, with varying levels of memory and awareness, waking up in the panic room. With Dean needing to kill him.

Man-in-the-middle by ambersock (who has some lovely fics <3)

Sam hears the driver’s side door open, hears footsteps approaching. He remembers that Dean still has Ruby’s demon-killing blade. Yet another voicemail fix-it.

The Choice by authoressnebula (authoressjean)

(this author has other early seasons sam&dean stuff)

One gun. One bullet. It's up to Sam and Dean to decide who will shoot the bullet…and who will die.

it’s not that i think i’m good, i know i’m evil by redskyatmorning

(author has good later seasons Sam stuff as well)

The conversation that leads up to Sam ending up in the panic room, again, to detox from demon blood.

Fade Far Away, Dissolve, and Quite Forget by Lise

You've seen isolation before, but not like this. It's not quite another hemisphere, but it's close enough.

Catharsis by BlueIris08

Sam copes with learning of Dean's promise to John in the classic Winchester way--with alcohol. Or, the drunken, angsty post-Croatoan/Hunted scene that didn't happen.

Don't Think Twice, It's All Right by WilsonTheMoose

In which Sam gets beaten up (rookie), Dean mentions the voicemail (idiot), and nothing really changes (figures). Fits into the first episode of season 5. For an anonymous prompt on tumblr asking for Dean hitting Sam in the earlier seasons. This is not quite what you wanted anon, sorry.

yeah, well, i don't want to by AreYouReady

He didn't do it on purpose. / Dean sabotages Jess's warding in pilot

Comets, Stars, Haunted Houses, and Other Things Best Observed from a Hundred Million Miles Away by occasionallyalways

See also: violent deaths; apologies; lightning. Or; Something happened in the panic room. Something went wrong. Dean finds out six years later.

sambrady

One to Save You by sp8ce

If Brady needs Sam, he'll be there immediately.

The Piece You're Missing by sp8ce

Brady can't seem to figure out why Sam won't give up on him. They have a conversation where he tries to dissect and understand why.

Out by TheMightiestPen (also sam&dean)

A god-possessed witch reveals a secret that Sam’s been keeping for a long time. The brothers handle it like mature, well-adjusted adults, for once.

sastiel

Grace (made perfect in weakness) by Sidewoundcore (CherryHollow)

After he is freed from the panic room, Castiel, rather than Ruby, is the first person to find Sam. In the end, it changes nothing at all.

atrophy & other stories by saintsurvivor

early seasons sastiel that is sam centric

Monster by Ginipig (voicemail fic so mostly sam&dean)

After everything that happened between him and Dean with the breaking of the final seal, Sam is having trouble moving on. Dean's weird, sort-of helpful angel friend wants to know why.

Not that it's any of his damned business.

Comfort by Never_x_Better

Sam's being tormented by Lucifer and Castiel just wants to help him. Nightmares, blood addiction, hallucinations, and fluff ends up leading the two friends down an interesting path.

Wishing Is Cold This Year by Lise

Dean has his head rather determinedly up his ass, so it falls to Castiel to take this one. Post 5.03ish.

what did you bury / before those hands pulled me from the earth? by starlightswait

It’s the strangest thing. Sam’s in the Cage. And then he’s not.

(technically post kripke but it's my favourite sastiel <;3)

Ruby Red by sp8ce (also samruby but I don't read or write a lot of samruby)

An exploration of Sam and consuming blood. This work has Sam reminiscing on Ruby. He then has more blood forced upon him by some hunters who think they can purify him. (can be read standalone or in series)

#fic rec #fanfiction #writing #sam winchester #sammy #spn #supernatural #fic #incoherents #wow that took hours. making rec lists is a time warp #also there are some of my beautiful mutuals who write beautiful later seasons fic. if i didn't include you it's cause I'm focusing earlier

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davosmymaster · 1 year

Text

The Saddest Part of Me

TAGS AND WARNINGS - +18, Minors DNI, no smut (yet) but mentions of sex/sexual themes, hurt/comfort, angst, fluff, mention of past abusive/violent relationship, canon-typical violence, breaking-up, Jake is the fist of Khonshu, Marc and Steven don’t have the suit anymore, post-MoonKnight, my non-native English is a warning itself, no beta

PAIRINGS - Jake Lockley x fem!reader ; Marc Spector x fem!reader ; Steven Grant x fem!reader

WORD COUNT - 4.6k

SUMMARY - Tired of Jake’s missions turning deadly, Steven and Marc ask you for help. It backfires.

A/N - This started as first person pov, dont know exactly why but i liked it and went with it. Then it changed after one of the pauses and I was too tired to change it (also i like it as it is) so I didn’t. Don’t read if you are easily triggered. Credits to whoever made the gif. Part two will be up when it’s up.

THE SADDEST PART OF ME

Toni Morrison once wrote that "love is never any better than the lover". And as if that wasn't a horrible enough claim on its own, she followed with "wicked people love wickedly, violent people love violently, weak people love weakly, stupid people love stupidly."

I found myself called to those lines and, trapped by the words of a book that had me crying for most of it, I discovered I was more moved by that sentence than I had been for the rest of the novel. Trapped as I was, my mind rushed to find meaning beyond the words. I remembered past flings and failed relationships, abusive exes, and even friendships that hadn't worked. Finally, at last, my eye caught the shape of one of my boyfriends watching a cricket game on tv; as if I hadn't been aware that he was there, as if it was the first time I saw him. Truly, saw him.

Steven noticed, of course he did. He was always hyperaware of his surroundings and, unlike Marc, he didn't know how to be subtle about it. He leaned back on the sofa, almost melting against it, and looked in my direction with the most relaxed expression he had in weeks. There was one cute smile on his lips; eyes gleaming with comfort after a long week of work. He was finally spending time with his girlfriend, and the time felt valuable for both of us even if each was doing our own thing.

He must have seen something on my face, something buried and hurt perhaps, something I'm still not very sure of what it was; but something regardless, because his eyes switched off their glow as if someone had thrown a handful of sand over them. His smile trembled slightly, without him ever finding out, as if his body was understanding something he was not. A presage.

"You feeling alright, love?" he asked.

Even though I heard him loud and clear, felt his worry as my own in the way he looked at me; my brain did not seem to register. My mind was long gone, far away from there. I was looking at Steven but I had no problem with him. I was looking at his body. No, I was not, either. I was looking at the shell that contained the three men I was in love with. And I just happened to be looking at Steven because he was there —the wrong place at the wrong time— but who I was really looking for in those eyes, the person that deserved to be there at that moment, it wasn't Steven. It wasn't Marc, either.

It was Jake.

We'd just had the most terrible month in our relationship. Even though I'd like to say it only concerned Jake and I, it truly did not. Marc and Steven had their role in the problem too, even if it was well-intentioned in the end. Our argument seemed to be over, at least for now. But neither of us had apologized nor had we found a peaceful way out of our trouble.

No. Not at all.

It was over because we had both decided we loved each other more than the problem hurt us. Now we were ignoring both the problem still unresolved and the gap his lies had created between us.

Yes, Jake had lied to me. Repeteadly and over a long period of time. Problem was he didn't regret it at all. My mind had been trying not to think more about the matter, ignoring it, living happily in naivety. In my coping mechanism I was blind to the elephant in the room: Jake didn't regret his actions at all. He didn't regret killing those people and he sure as hell didn't regret lying to me about it.

That meant only one thing: he would kill again. That is, if he hadn't already.

As if he could read my mind Steven's frown deepened. He got closer, his hand closing the space that separated us. His thumb very slowly touched my cheek. It was so slow, so gentle, as if he was frightened himself of my stupor. Or even scared of me.

The slowness did not restrain my soul from shooting back into my body. The jump it caused could only be described as the sensation of falling from an imaginary abyss just as you are about to fall asleep.

It was right then when I realized Jake wasn't hidden there, in those eyes. It was just Steven. Only sweet and sincere Steven.

"You alright?" he asked, a worried chuckle dancing on his lips. "I lost you for a moment there, uh. In the land of the dreaming?"

I smiled, even if I couldn't quite remember how.

"Yeah, yeah... Sorry I scared you," I said, but still took his hands and put them away from me. All I could think about was those hands unfortunately being a part of Jake. Those pretty hands that belonged to Steven and Marc too, but which had been smeared with thick blood clotting around the nails. All I could see was them holding the gun Jake had been so reluctant to throw away, the small pocket knife he always wore as a key chain.

"Can I ask you something..." I said then, my words so fast my mind had barely registered them, my tone so devoid of life it sounded as if I was going to ask him to kill me. Maybe I was. "...Steven?"

I pronounced his name trying to breathe a bit of life into the sentence, but I could already tell by the way his breathing was caught in his lungs that he did not believe my facade for one split second.

He took my hand in his, the heat warming them but freezing my body at the same time. Those hands...

"Of course! Of course you can. Bloody hell, why do you even ask it like that?"

I smiled and, with my thumb, I massaged the deep frown between his eyebrows. He relaxed the muscles there, suddenly aware of his expression.

Half of me did it for him, because I was starting to feel guilty for worrying him. Half of me did it because my hands felt trapped under his.

Steven relaxed, smiling once again. Partially relieved.

"Are Marc or Jake listening?"

Steven seemed confused at the question at first. He fixed his eyes on my own, but at the same time very far away from there. Then he looked around: at the tv, at any nearby mirrors, even his mug and the tea in it.

"No, they aren't," he said. "But I can look for them, wake them up, if you want me to."

"No, no. I just wanted to talk to you for a second."

Steven tilted his head to one side slightly, confused.

"Oh, oh. Sure, love."

That's when my turn of taking his hands in mine came. It was the only way in which I could feel safe in both my question and his answer, in the truth of them, actually. I had never once before questioned Steven. I had blind faith in him, I always had. But as I said, what should have stayed as a Jake and me problem, had somehow tainted Steven and Marc too. Up until this point I had firmly believed I distinguished every single one of them from the others, and treated them accordingly; but now my body was showing me that, in fact, a part of me saw all of them as the same man.

"If Jake hurt anyone again, you would tell me right away. Right?"

His eyes shot open. From where I was seating in front of him I could almost hear his heartbeats.

"Of course! Of course I would. Marc would too. We did it before, right?"

"Eventually, yeah. After hiding it for months," the tinge of disgust in my voice did not go unnoticed.

His hands were now trembling.

"We didn't know what to do! At first we didn't even notice it was something that would affect us. Then I told them. And neither of them listened. We did tell you about Khonshu and we thought it was... implied. But Jake never wanted to kill...!"

"Okay, okay. Steven. Steven look at me," I said, as he kept talking and talking in a panicked state. "Look at me, okay? You said sorry. Marc, you and I talked about this. It's okay. You said sorry. You're forgiven."

He stopped talking, pressed his cheek against my hand when I tried to comfort him. He nodded as if trying to absorb my words. But his pupils still jumped slightly, here and there. Restless, unsafe.

"I would tell you," he finally said with a tiny voice. His eyes welled with tears. "I promise. I promise I would. Please don't go."

He made me cry too. Almost jumping over him, I hugged him, pretty much estranged him with my arms. I clung to the sweater he was wearing as if holding on for dear life. Steven followed with no less force. He crushed me against his chest, breathing hard into my hair, silently crying. With hands wide open over my whole back, it felt as if he was both trying to memorize the feeling of me in his arms and, holding me in place so I wouldn't abandon him.

"Why do I feel like you're gonna leave?" he whispered.

Steven had very little power of the matter, and that fact terrified him beyond reason. He couldn't stop Jake from killing again. He couldn't bear the thought of seeing your disgusted, disappointed, crying face again. But if there was something he could not even think about, that was you breaking up with them, leaving them, hating them. He could not conceive the world without you being the first thing he saw in the morning. He could not go back to be and feel as lonely as he did before. He couldn't.

Being in this impossible situation, anxiety rising up to the clouds, the only comforting thought he could get was that, if he behaved, if he was good, despite what Jake could do, if he was good and behaved like you wanted him to, then you wouldn't abandon him. You might abandon Jake for being a murderer, but if he proved himself... then you wouldnt —couldn't— leave him.

In his mind, he is ten years old and doing the dishes at two in the morning so mom will kiss him goodnight.

Stupid people love stupidly

Regaining someone's trust is not an easy task, everyone says that, but no one talks about how complicated it is to regain intimacy with the other person.

It's not about sexual intimacy. That's easy, perhaps too easy. And Jake makes it even easier; he knows what buttons to push, where and when to touch you so you're left wanting more, pursuing him yourself against your own judgement. It's the other intimacy that is difficult to get back, the type in which you start talking about life and don't finish until dawn. It's about the cuddles, the feeling of being comfortable around each other, planning stuff to do together because you don't want to —not even think about— doing it with anyone else. Before Marc and Steven told you what Jake had done, asking you to help him stop, it wasn't uncommon for you and Jake to dance around the kitchen while cooking; both slow and quick Latin songs playing through the speakers. He loved to dance bachata, you loved to see him happy.

Now your home is silent, the closeness complicated. The kitchen doesn't smell like spices anymore, and even the flat seems to have become darker. Maybe London has become darker, maybe the entire world has shunned the sun.

Jake promises one day that he will never do it again. He waits for you to be in bed and slides under the covers. For a long time, he says nothing; he's still hesitating. Jake isn't sure he can keep this promise he is about to make. After all, he doesn't kill people because he likes it; he does it because they are necessary.

Eventually, when he feels your breathing evening out, he knows if he doesn't do it you will never trust him again. And so he does it; unsure and scared, but is anyone ever not unsure and scared? he asks himself.

You hug him tight then. It's the closest he's felt to you in a month. He's missed you more than he dares to admit. So he buries his hands in you, in your hair, your back, your shoulders, the back of your thighs. He doesn't want to let go. All he wants is for time to stop. If he could choose where to live for the rest of his life, he would live in the exact spot between your jaw and neck that his nose is caressing just now. He would die there, too.

You're the only good thing in his life. Everyone knows that.

Suddenly a month has passed, a more than reasonable amount of time for you to start letting your guard down. Jake has been so patient and careful that you start to feel like a fool for creating this awkward space between the two of you; although the truth is, it's not your fault.

There are only fifteen days to your anniversary, or at least the start of it, as each of the boys takes an entire day to celebrate it with you. That makes your anniversary a weekend-long thing. With your anniversary so close, you feel an overwhelming sensation of hopelessness. And in the midst of your nostalgia for what you were, and loathing what you've become, you ask Jake to forget anything ever happened. He complies.

The following is your day off, but Jake has work in the evening. Still, that doesn't stop him from scheduling a date. He takes you out for brunch to the most beautiful restaurant you've ever seen. You are seated on the inner patio. There is a fountain there, and the decoration is Bukowski books on small shelves and flowering vines on the walls.

You sit on a pallet drilled into the wall. It has beautiful rainbow-coloured cushions to sit on. Jake takes the chair in front of you, but he's too far away for your liking. Instead, you take his arm and ask him to sit a bit closer. Jake takes the seat next to you, not even his flat cap concealing the happiness glowing in his eyes. As he sits down, as if by a reflex, he puts one of his hands on your thigh. He caresses your knee for a few seconds before taking the menu and placing it in front of you to decide what you both will be having, together.

Two hours later both of you are taking a walk in Hyde Park. It's January, but the sun is shining over your heads anyway. Jake has never been one to be affectionate in public, but now he has his arm around your shoulders as you walk. Your face hurts from laughing and smiling. This is exactly what you missed, just what you needed. It all gets worse when, just before you leave, a squirrel chases Jake across the parking lot.

Jake drives you home, he drives slowly through London because he doesn't want to let you go. He doesn't want today to end. He stops the car at the beginning of the street because there's a street market today and he can't get through. He stops the car there, double-parked because it is impossible to park anywhere else in the city. He gets out of his limousine at the same time you do. With a quick, determined step he circles the limousine, and you wonder what the hell he's doing. Then, he takes your face in his hands and kisses you. His lips brush yours, it's barely a caress until it's not. All you feel is him, his love, his warmth, the fabric of his driving gloves on your cheeks.

"Thank you," he whispers.

It feels like an I love you, so you take it that way.

Unfortunately, the honeymoon phase lasted just one more day.

He had no other choice, he wouldn't have ever risked another fight with you if he had the option not to. In fact, it was an accident. The fault wasn't entirely his. Yet Jake was so scared that you could see what he had done in his eyes, through his soul, that he drove to the other end of London and fell asleep in the back of the limo, on the plain floor.

Steven had panicked so much that his consciousness disconnected. He was nowhere to be found. Marc, on the other hand, was going through all five stages of grief. He had gone from calling him every single insult in the English language to denying that Jake had done anything. By the time Jake decided to get back home, Marc was in full depression stage. Thinking of the worst.

Even if he wanted to shut down the way his alters were doing, he couldn't. Jake cared for the others to an obsessive extent. All his life, he had taken the hard punches. He had killed so the others wouldn't have to, he had taken his mother's beatings with not a single tear shed, he took insults and humilliations; he took Elias' calls begging Marc to come back home when he ran away, he took the hardest parts of military training and most life-or-death situations that followed.

He took Khonshu. He was still taking Khonshu.

Marc and Steven had enough of the god, but someone had to do the work anyways. After all, the pigeon had only freed the other two. And if Moon Knight and Mr Knight wouldn't fight, then Jake Lockley would have to do. Someone had to protect the travellers of the night, that's what Khonshu had said when Jake asked him to free him as well.

He was still debating what to do, whether to keep it from you or not, when Steven made the decision for him.

"Jake," he spoke, appearing out of nowhere. "If you don't tell her yourself, I will."

He grabbed the steering wheel tight. He saw red for a split second, then focused on the road ahead.

"What?" he almost barked.

"You heard me."

"Si será hijueputa- Who do you think you are?"

Steven said nothing else despite Jake's attempts to provoke him. His silence only made him even more nervous. He insulted him for twenty minutes, called him things he didn't really mean, until eventually, he stopped.

"Okay, Steven, have it your way," he said. "Just give me some time to think how."

"You have an hour."

The image Jake formed on his mind was nowhere close to the moments following his confession. Yet it was somehow even worse. The smile from your face vanished quickly into a thin line, your eye became dull, absorbed by something far away from there. Whatever you were thinking, whatever images were playing inside your brain, he just hoped it wasn't him covered in blood.

Your sight was lost somewhere on the small dots that covered the kitchen table, round wounds in the wood like gunshots. Your index flew to one of them, rubbing your fingertips against it for a few seconds, then giving up and lifting your head to look at him again. Crossing your arms over your chest as if you were cold.

"What do you expect me to do now?" you asked. If death had a voice, Jake was certain it would sound like yours. "You promis-."

"I know," he said. He inhaled oxygen, but seemed to exhale despair. He moved quickly from where he was standing at the other end of the table. With a squeak he took the chair right next to you and sat down. "I don't expect you to forgive me, but I had to-"

"You had to." you spat. "Was someone pointing a gun to your head?"

"Actually, yeah..." he responded, lips pressed as not to laugh. He forgot to mention he was also caught by the throat, until the other guy pulled the trigger and Jake moved his attacker's head in the trajectory of the bullet. "But I don't think that changes anything, does it?"

He saw what he thought was doubt in your eyes. Although he could have easily have mistaken it for the misery drowning your pupils. Deep down —perhaps not so deep— Jake couldn't understand why you cared so much for these people. Sure, he didn't like to have other people's blood on his hands, but at the end of the day many of them deserved to be dead. Jake wasn't getting why there was so much fuss about the matter. All he cared about was you, though. And if you cared, that made the matter grow in importance. He didn't care about hurting his enemies the same way he didn't care if he found a wallet on the street and didn't return it; sure, it wasn't ideal, but it was their loss, not his.

He took your hand the same way you had once done with Steven. He tried to comfort you somehow. Jake wasn't good with words. In fact, he didn't think he were any good with anything except his job, his work for Khonshu, and fucking your brains out. He had never had the need to protec anyone who didn't already live in his body; but he cared about you too much, and didn't want you to suffer.

Then, you took your eyes out of his fingers warming your cold ones. With the same expression and voice but dry eyes, you spoke

"I think we need to break up."

Jake blinked a few times, nodded, too; but his mind had not caught up on the words. He looked at your eyes again, confused by your pitied expression.

Then he chuckled, lips tightly closed.

"What?"

"I said..." a shaky breath came out of your mouth. "I said I... we need to break up."

Jake felt his chest and throat close up, the bile still rising to his mouth somehow. He coughed once, when he felt the acid burning its path, then rose up from the chair, swallowed. When he got to the window, he realized he was shaking. A hand tugged from the roots of his hair.

"¿Qué dijiste?" he asked, turning around to look at you. He looked at his reflexion in a mirror right next to his face, found his own face, not a trace of the others, but asked them anyway. "¿Qué dijo la pendejita esta?"

Rage was quickly starting to burn up in his veins. Slowly, as not to scare him further, you walked closer.

"I'm sorry, Jake," you told him, now your own eyes welling with tears. His arms wanted to take you, hold you, tell you everything is going to be fine; but you were only crying because you were hurting him. And you know it. And you know it. And he hates it.

"Don't fucking-" he said, although he doesn't even know where the sentence is going. His body was not reacting to his command, not even breathing properly. He doesn't understand why his mouth tastes bitter, or why you're trying to hurt him saying that.

He touched his face because there was something there bothering him. Dust, maybe a particle of something, an eyelash stuck in his eye, whatever. But when he touches it, his finger are wet.

Oh, a tear.

Before your body could make contact with his he held both your arms to stop you, his fingers curled around your forearms, your eyes filled with tears only half shed.

"You can't," he said, then chuckled again like a madman. "You could never."

He was so sure, too sure, there was not an ounce of doubt in his mind. He seemed so certain that his back straightened, his breathing evened out. He seemed calmed and it confused you. Were you driving him mad?

"You can't," he repeated, halfway to a chuckle again. "You could never break up with the others, you love them way too much."

His claim broke your own heart. The only reason Jake had for believing you would stay with him through thick and thin, was because he believed you wanted the others too much. The pieces of your heart crashed, splinters flew away, you could no longer feel it beating. You ached for him, but that didn't change anything.

"Jake I'm not breaking up with the others," you said, and regretted there was not a kinder way of doing it. "I'm breaking up with you."

He thought he heard a relieved breath then, and he lost it, completely lost it. It could have been the air coming in through the partially opened window, it could have been the tv still on, or even the kettle still complaining as the water cooled off. But he lost it all the same, not even knowing if the sound had come from Steven and Marc in the headspace or something entirely different. He took the mirror next to him and punched it, hard. The splinters covered his knuckles, blood rushed through the wounds to the to the rhythm of his heart.

Violent people love violently.

"Putos cabrones," he insulted them, but his tone was softer that he meant, breathy even.

"Jake, baby... don't."

He let you touch him this time. You kept still crying and he hated it. As his concern for you grew, so did his hatred. Your cold hands held both his cheeks, your lips pressed against his forehead just once. The blood staining his white shirt, his whole uniform. He had never gotten it ripped or even stained in a fight, and he was partially embarrassed that the first time he got it stained was because of his own blood, his own wounds.

You kept saying things, words that he supposed should sound comforting. But he was not listening, not at all.

"Why are you doing this to me?" he whispered, then his knees gave up under him. "I trusted you. I trusted you."

"I can't." you told him, begging him to understand. "I had a relationship before, one where he would tell me he was going to change, promise me, and then go back to treating me the same, and I forgave him. And he would do the same thing to me again. And I forgave him. I can't go through that again, baby. Not again. Not with you."

Jake wanted to scream. He wanted to ask you why you could be patient with others but had not the same patience for him. But he didn't. He stayed silent. He knew such a question would hurt you. Countless times had he hold you while you cried for your past, for how others had mistreated you. The thought that he had done the same was burying him alive. He wanted to melt, pass through the wooden planks on the floor, fall until he reached the barren land, then be swallowed by dirt itself; become nothing.

He wiped the tears from his face, leaving a bloody trail wherever his fingers touched. You blinked in front of him a few times, shaky lips he wanted to kiss saying goodbye gave him, instead, a bit of hope.

"Violence is easy, Jake, it's the easy path," you told him. "I can't- I won't be with another violent man. If you show me you can change, I promise you'll have me forever."

He nodded. He had a mission now.

Tags:

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#jake lockley x reader #marc spector x reader #steven grant x reader #moon knight x reader #oscar isaac x reader #jake lockley x fem!reader #jake lokley #moon knight x you #steven grant x fem!reader #steven grant #marc spector x female reader

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gu1lty-as-sin · 3 months

Text

˚₊‧꒰ა every breath feels like rarest air ໒꒱ ‧₊˚

hii!! ☆ juno ☆ they/she ☆ minor ☆ bisexual ☆ cancer sun, libra moon, sag rising ☆ intp-t ☆ aus ☆ either a celestial god or a pebble ☆ anxious mess ☆ i change my theme way too much ☆ sparkling water > regular water ☆ in love with piercings and wants all of them ☆ professional procrastinator ☆ a humanities/arts/music girl in a science/maths world ☆ wouldnt survive a day without spotify ☆ free palestine!!

͙͘͡★ i love - literature, the arts, queer culture, astronomy + astrology, witchcraft, feminism (no terfs allowed!!!!), fruit flavoured drinks, flared pants, converse, dark red, nail polish, eyeliner, burgundy lipgloss, tank tops, tote bags, brie (always dreaming of cheese), pinterest, spotify, my headphones, the ocean, my grandparents house, spring+winter, very specific shades of pink and green, black <3, fiddling around on the guitar, fantasising about being a famous musician, finding new music, snow, picking silly little outfits, drawing, writing, going to concerts

͙͘͡★ books - osemanverse, the hunger games, books by rhiannon wilde, tim te maro's subterranean heartsick blues, all the best liars, books by octavia butler (specifically parable of the sower and parable of the talents), the last true poets of the sea, acotar, the weight of the stars, the seven husbands of evelyn hugo, the picture of dorian grey, house of hollow, howls moving castle, harry potter (mainly marauders, FUCK JKR), i kissed shara wheeler, red white and royal blue, song of achilles, wings of fire, the secret history

͙͘͡★ movies + shows - dont look up, little women (2019), scream (i like most of them but 1996 is my fav by far), ladybird, barbie (2023), some of the mcu (thor and guardians of the galaxy <33), spiderverse (itsv is my love), gilmore girls, stranger things, loki, heartstopper, arcane, scott pilgrim takes off + scott pilgrim vs the world, mean girls (i love both hehe), dr who, percy jackson (the show, i um havent read the books), gossip girls, do revenge, my little pony (ignore that i’ve never actually watched it BUT IN THEORY-)

͙͘͡★ music - boygenius + solos, taylor swift, glaive, brakence, paramore, ricky jamaraz, melanie martinez, lana del rey, ashnikko, girl in red, billie eilish, doja cat, big thief, adrienne lenker, ethel cain, mitski, remi wolf, cigarettes after sex, ericdoa, tv girl, clairo, the neighbourhood, bon iver, deftones, maneskin, courtney barnett, poppy, the smiths, american football, susannah joffe, renee rapp, mcr, the front bottoms, pierce the veil, flyleaf, gracie abrams, feeble little horse, esha tewari

͙͘͡★ albums - the record, 1989 tv, around the fur, riot, three cheers for sweet revenge, all we know is falling, hypochondriac, girl with fish, doa, things with wings, punk2, songs, masterpiece, guts, lust for life, dykttatuob, punisher, stranger in the alps, i care so much that i dont care at all, collide with the sky, manic, badlands, folklore, trafoamp, k-12, crybaby, portals, this is why, home video, ttpd + the anthology

͙͘͡★ talk to me - asks and dms are open for chatting/venting/whatever, i might take a while to respond ☆ i rarely follow people without an intro post/descriptive bio (with name, age group and pronouns especially) ☆ discord is astraeasparrow (i dont check it often and dont know how it works very well) ☆ i dont currently have any trigger warnings tagged but just send me an ask/dm if you want me to tag something specific!! ☆ dni: people who are: rude, racist, homophobic, transphobic, zionist, terfs, sexist, ableist, antisemitic

͙͘͡★ tags:

#juno.txt -> ramblings, original posts

#asks -> asks ive answered

#ask bait -> send me asks!

#tag games -> tag games ive participated in

#beautiful mutuals -> interactions with my beautiful mutuals!

#spotify -> my music obsession

(im working on a better taglist with my moots tags)

͙͘͡★ socials: pinterest ☆ spotify ☆ carrd

͙͘͡★ sideblogs: @likeasugarcubeinateacup (notes app poetry) -- @slowrotburiedinthepark (web weaving and random art) -- @stabbingstarsthroughmyback (writing) (im not that active on them though)

͙͘͡★ notes/updates:

☆ previously astraeasparrow

☆ last updated: april 21st 2024

☆ dividers by @dollywons, @v6que, @chilumitos

thats all!! stay hydrated and have a wonderful day/night everyone <3

#juno.txt #asks #beautiful mutuals #them tag <33 #tag game #ask bait #tag games #spotify #intro post #<- you can check out my crusty old intro post there #juno's 270 celebration

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olderthannetfic · 8 months

Note

Re: Hypertagging characters/ships for triggers, yeah as someone whos insane ass has a very serious trigger for a specific fictional character -particularly if they are portrayed in a positive light- I just Do Not Read Fic in that fandom by and large and blacklist it pretty hard.

It sucks I had to divorce myself from the fandom because I LIKED the earlier seasons and sometimes the fic was cute and good, but I simply cannot reasonably ask anyone to tag every mention of that character so I blacklist it all.

Its a me issue, NOT a them issue, so its my job to manage it and actually put effort into that.

That means blacklisting the show on every platform that is possible that I use, not following people who are likely to post that character, not consuming the new canon content of the show in case I get jumpscared with the character, and only ever intentionally looking for content if im in the right frame of mind to be able to stand simply seeing the name somewhere while I control+f a fic to see if they show up. I even sometimes ask friends to prescreen fics sometimes if I REALLY want to read something.

I make my own content if I want to engage with that media and I avoid the fandom. Its... I wont say its easy because it really sucks actually, but the world cannot and should not cater to me in that way. Its a competing access need and unreasonable to ask.

Its reasonable to ask a friend to warn/not deliberately show me that character- not NOT reasonable to ask a rando to do that.

Id even try to desensitize the trigger if I was in a good place for doing it but I am the wrong kind of insane to be doing that any time soon lol. Trauma work lays you right out.

To people wondering how anyone could be so fragile as to need something like that tagged; PTSD and other mental illnesses that cause serious triggers often latch onto innocuous things. Do you think I want to have such a 'cringe' trigger that causes me to [redacted] at best and have a dissociative panic attack-flashback combo AND [redacted] at worse? No its dumb as hell and I hate that there is very little to do to suppress it. Does that make the trigger go away? Also no. Its not like this is just me not liking or being uncomfortable with the character, this is an involuntary serious-hazard-to-health negative reaction I shant detail that sucks ass.

Yes us crazies do deserve to participate in fandom spaces too, we arent too broken to be barred from playing with everyone else- we just have to understand where the reasonable line is on accommodations for tagging, understand that competing access needs are a thing, and do the rest of the work ourselves.

Its not perfect but its the most good for the most people.

Id invite anyone who has a character/ship/etc trigger to seriously just blacklist the media and do what I do or even be more strict about it. You will feel so much better and more stable im not kidding. It sucks to lose a beloved fandom but you will feel so much better.

For everyone else- dont feel you need to tag every last mention on something. If you really want to be trigger friendly for some reason, you can put in the chapter notes all the minor mentions of stuff or w/e. Please Do Not put it in the proper tags.

Sadly, "dumb as hell" is a pretty default setting for triggers. If only brains were logical and behaved themselves! But one has to work with what one's got.

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lcvernat · 1 year

Text

I’m Sorry | Natasha Romanoff x Fem!Reader

Request: Hey :)

Idk if you’re doing requests or not but if you are…

I wanna ask if you can please do a Nat x TeenR with Angst or Nat x femR with anxiety

Tbh as long as it has Angst in it :)

You dont have to give me any recognition for it as long as you tag my bestie @romanoffs-widow in it bc she loves this type of thing 🥰 thanks!

Word Count: 2.3k

Content Warnings: definitely very angsty, anxiety, panic attacks, overall bad mental health + pls read at your own discretion!

A/N: hi anon! i chose to go with nat x fem reader for this request :) i hope that’s okay!! and i hope your bestie enjoys <3 + for everyone out there who suffers from anxiety i hope this fic gives you some sort of comfort and just know you’re not alone, i promise you, and my dms are always open if you need someone to vent to!

Living with anxiety was like having a shadow following you constantly: you could never get rid of it, could never quite catch a break. It convinced you of things that you knew logically couldn't be true, but that didn't matter because your brain couldn't help but believe in it and send you spiraling. It made you second guess and overthink everything, and it made the simplest of daily tasks impossible. Sleeping was really the only time that you were free from the torment that was your thoughts.

You never quite fit in anywhere. Your friends quickly became tired of you bailing on them at the last minute when they invited you out, so they eventually just stopped inviting you. You couldn't quite blame them, but you didn't know how to explain that the very prospect of going outside made you feel so violently nauseous you spent most of the morning sitting on the floor of your bathroom beside the toilet, and then every time you ended up cancelling because you just. Couldn't. Do. It. And you felt pathetic for it.

All you wanted was to be normal. To make these thoughts go away. To stop freaking out about every single thing. Yet they never went away, no matter what you did. The physical symptoms had to be the worst to deal with. You could manage the thoughts sometimes, could ignore them sometimes, but the nausea, sweating, shaking, and the constant feeling of something being stuck in your throat was a nuisance to deal with. You felt so drained from it some days that all you wanted to do was lie in your bed and cry.

Oddly enough, the only time you felt solace was on missions with the Avengers. You had to be focused, with one specific goal in mind: the mission objective. It left no room for your anxiety to manifest, and it was one of the only times you were free from its grasp, despite it defying all logic - death-defying missions should’ve been the one thing that elicited anxiety in you, but it didn’t, and instead simple, mundane tasks such as going to the grocery store seemed catastrophic. It was stupid.

Through the Avengers Initiative you met your girlfriend, Natasha Romanoff, and she made everything better. You’d told her about your anxiety, knowing you couldn’t keep it a secret from a super spy who would inevitably find out, and despite you thinking it was pathetic because she had gone through so much more in her life and had seemingly never been left debilitated by the mere thought of going outside, she assured you that you weren't pathetic, and your feelings were completely valid. She understood you. She didn’t push you, and she didn’t get angry if you had to back out on dates because you couldn’t handle it. She quickly learnt what usually overwhelmed you or triggered a panic attack and made sure you avoided those situations or if you couldn’t avoid it, she’d be there by your side throughout all of it. She knew exactly how to help you when you had a panic attack and she was so loving and patient towards you, you were so eternally grateful for her. You don't know how you had managed to get this lucky, she was well and truly a miracle.

But of course, anxiety just couldn’t let you have good things without poisoning it. ‘She hates you’, ‘you’re literally so annoying’, ‘she doesn’t love you’, ‘she’ll leave eventually because everyone does’ - constant thoughts of self-hatred wormed its way into your mind, despite your best efforts of keeping them out. It got tiring, sometimes, trying to get better, because anxiety had to be one of the most persistent monsters on the planet. It never went away, no matter how hard you tried to make it go away. Your chest constantly felt tight, your hands constantly shook, you felt nauseous nearly all of the time and your mind was on constant overdrive: the thoughts never stopping. You just had to live with it.

Some days were worse than others. Today was a particularly bad day. You didn’t have any energy to get up, and had spent all day lying in bed, scrolling mindlessly on your phone. Nat and Steve had an important and quite dangerous mission coming up, so the redhead had been away all day preparing for it, which meant you were alone in your shared room. It was late evening now, and the room was starting to get dark, but you didn’t have the energy to get up and turn on the light. This morning, the thought of getting up and facing the day was so impossible you were nearly sick, so you just couldn’t do it. You couldn’t battle it today, you just couldn’t.

The sound of the bedroom door opening and footsteps walking in filled the room. The footsteps soon stopped in their tracks though, when they saw that it was nearly pitch-black inside and the light wasn't on. The only light was the screen of your phone, barely visible under all of the covers you had covered yourself with in a desperate attempt to shield yourself from the world. The light switched on then, the room filling with the glaring yellow of artificial light as you squinted your eyes, letting out a grunt of annoyance.

"Y/N?" Natasha's voice sounded cautious, as her footsteps slowly resumed, getting closer to the bed. "Are you okay, moya lyubov?" Her voice was soft as you felt the bed dip with her added weight. Her hand came up to gently remove the covers from your face so she could see you. All you do is shake your head the tiniest bit, such a small action that anyone else would’ve missed, but Natasha didn’t.

“What’s wrong? You can talk to me.”

You frown. That was a tough question. What was wrong? You didn’t know. Nothing bad had happened to you recently to make you feel like this. You didn’t have anything major happening this week that would’ve caused you to feel anxious. You simply woke up today with an insanely overwhelming feeling of anxiety. Worse than normal. There was no actual reason for it. There rarely ever was an actual reason.

Sitting up in the bed, Natasha moving back slightly to give you space, you start to play with the hem of your sweater. “I don’t know,” you mumble almost incoherently, your voice so small and fragile from not being used once today.

Natasha’s gaze softens as her hand reaches out to tentatively take yours. She gives your hand a squeeze. “I’m always here if you need to talk, you know that,”

You inhale, the familiar feeling of your chest tightening an unwelcome accompaniment. God, why were you feeling like this today? Nothing. Was. Wrong. “I don’t-“ Your throat feels tight. You swallow, the object in your throat not loosening, “I just- I need to be alone. Please.”

You never pushed Natasha away. Never. She was your rock, your medicine, your cure. The only thing that could make you feel better. But right now, you needed to be alone. So, it wasn’t surprising when confusion quickly followed by pain flashed across her features. She didn’t say anything, she just simply nodded. Natasha got off the bed, slowly making her way to the door. The soft clicking of the lock sounded as she left.

You couldn’t breathe. You rubbed your chest, but the tightness didn't ease. You clench your fists so tight you know crescent-shaped marks are engraved into your palms. 5 senses. 5 things you see. Hear. Feel. Taste. Touch.

You’re okay. Okay. You’re fine. Nothing’s wrong. You’re okay. You’re fine. Fine. You’re okay. You are okay. Nothing’s wrong.

Nothing.

You hold your head in your hands and cry.

You’d fallen asleep after. Your body and mind so tired you couldn’t stay conscious for another minute. You woke up feeling disorientated and groggy. The light was still on. Checking your phone, you realized it was well past 3am. You bite your lip before running your hand over your face. Chancing a glance at the other side of the bed, it was to no surprise that it was empty.

You felt horrible to think that Natasha never went to bed because you wanted to be left alone. You’re a horrible person. Horrible. You needed to find her. Your body screams in protest as you get out of bed for the first time in ages.

You opened the door, not surprised to be greeted with darkness as the team had clearly retired to bed hours ago. You make your way quietly through the Compound. You don’t know where Nat could possibly be. Unless she was rooming with Wanda tonight to give you space. Maybe she’d be better with Wanda anyway. At least Wanda wouldn’t have to cancel on dates because she couldn’t do it.

No. Don’t be stupid. Nat loves you; you know that.

You decide to check the kitchens first and are thankful that you don’t need to explore any further because there she is: sat at the kitchen island, a cup of coffee in front of her. She turns at the sound of your footsteps, and her eyes widen when she realizes it’s you.

Natasha is in front of you in an instant. She doesn’t touch you. She doesn’t say anything. You play with your fingers nervously. You look down at the ground as you attempt to gather your thoughts.

“I’m sorry,” you start, your voice shaky. Natasha interrupts you before you have a chance to continue by gently lifting your chin to get you to look at her.

"You have nothing to be sorry for," she says softly.

Frustrated tears spring to your eyes. Frustration at yourself and for feeling this way, for not knowing how to fix it, and pushing Natasha away too. God, you hated yourself sometimes.

"I do," you say, "I'm sorry for pushing you away, you didn't deserve that. I'm sorry for being like this for no reason because my life really isn't all that bad, you know? People have it worse and yet they aren't anxious messes all the time. You've had it worse, and you manage fine. I don't know why I'm like this and I hate it and I'm so-"

You cut off, unable to continue because the object in your throat has gotten bigger, preventing any words from getting out. You can't breathe again, and tears are streaming down your face. The next thing you feel is Natasha's arms wrapping around your body. You wrap your arms around her as tight as you possibly can while your head goes to rest in the crook of her neck and all you can do is just cry.

Cry because everything's been too much recently, too overwhelming, your mind has been a hellscape that you can never escape from, and it's just gotten too much to handle. So, you let it all out, you cry, and Natasha holds you through it all; her arm rubbing up and down your back, a steady rhythm to comfort you.

You don't know how much time has passed since you've stopped crying. Your throat is dry and sore, your cheeks are stained with tears and Natasha's shirt is wet from where you've cried. You pull away, hands reaching up to wipe away your tears, but Natasha gets there first. She dries your cheeks with her thumbs, her touch so gentle and tender as she cradles your face in her hands.

She kisses the tip of your nose and your nose scrunches in response.

"Don't ever say you're sorry for feeling the way you feel, okay?" She starts, her voice soft yet said with so much conviction you nearly start crying again, "Your feelings are completely valid, you are not a burden, or a mess, or anything else that your brain tries to convince you that you are, because none of it is true. You want to know the truth? All of us are messes, really, and it doesn't matter whether someone has it worse or not because we're all going through our own shit and battling something on our own and it is still completely valid even if you think your battles aren't valid. Some people are just good at hiding it. I am so sorry you have to battle this anxiety all of the time, and I know it must be exhausting, but you are the strongest person I know, okay? You will get through this, and you will get better. Whether it takes months or years, you will get better, and I will be right there by your side all throughout it. Some days will be worse than others, but I know you and I know that you can get through it, and you know you can go to me for anything. I love you so much, you know that right?"

Tears have sprung to your eyes again, but this time for an entirely different reason. Complete love and adoration for the redheaded woman that is currently cradling your face in her hands fills all of your senses. You nod, a smile making its way onto your face for the first time in a while.

"There's that smile I know and love," Nat says softly, returning your smile as she pulls you in for a hug again. Your smile widens as you lean back to kiss the love of your life.

You break apart to lean your forehead against hers, "I love you so much, you're the best girlfriend ever," you whisper against her lips.

"No, you're the best girlfriend ever, and I love you most."

It was 3am, you were standing in the Compound's kitchen wrapped in your lover's arms, but that was when you knew that every single word that came out of Nat's mouth was true. Even if you wake up tomorrow and have to battle your anxiety all over again, Natasha will be right by your side throughout it all. And you'll get better someday.

Maybe not today, but someday. And that was enough.

tags: @sheneonromanoff @olicity-boo @r4nd0mgir1 @tigerlillyruiz @dj-bynum3718

dm me, send me an ask or reply to be added to my taglist!

#natasha romanoff x reader #black widow x reader #natasha romanoff #black widow #natasha fanfic #natasha romanoff fanfic #black widow x y/n #black widow imagine #black widow x you #natasha romanoff imagine #natasha romanoff angst #natasha romanoff fanfiction #natasha romanoff x female reader

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minthara · 2 months

Text

really long personal answer to an anon i got. trigger warnings in the tags.

First of all i wanna apologise to everyone who follows me for the last few days lmao, but i feel like if i dont post about it im literally gonna kill myself. I need somewhere to write down my thoughts because i feel bad always going to the same 2 friends i still have and complain about the same situation again and again about a dude they dont even know that well.

Thank you so much for ur message really, and sorry if im gonna take it as another excuse to write down all my thoughts, but i think it will really help me.

So the pathetic thing. I didnt ever post about this and in real life i think only like. 3 people knew. But after we broke up i begged him for months to take me back. It really was pathetic. And when he called me pathetic i think he was just very very hurt, because that was the second time i broke up with him (just a few weeks ago). It was in the sense of me begging him for so long just to break up again a few months later. I feel fucking stupid even writing this. I spent about 10k euros trying to get away from him, it fucked up my life so massively that i lost a job i really loved over it.

And now my new job is about 5 minutes away from our old apartment and i think thats a huge reason why i cant get over it. Every day i walk past restaurants, the supermarkets, anything we went to together. I had to buy snacks for work today and just burst into tears in the fucking supermarket because we used to go there together. The people at work are always so appreciative bc i know the area so well but they dont know how much it fucking hurts me and its so stupid like. Should i just avoid that part of town forever??? No fucking get over it bitch like wtf its a fucking supermarket.

And it also hurts because i know i wasnt always perfect and there were many times i was super mean to him. But at a point i couldnt deal with his ADHD anymore and that sounds so shitty but im a super organised person to the point where sometimes i wonder if thers anything ocd related but i dont think so. In my head i swap between i have ocd, i have adhd, i have borderline, i have autism - i have no idea whats wrong with me, but the way i feel cant be normal. I know this because the way i behave isnt normal, i know i can come across as really strange, i cant judge social situations well and often dont know how to behave. But i constantly criticised him for symptoms of his mental illnesss.

But i never physically hurt him, and that was the last straw for me, why i left. I dont know how u can do that to a person you love.

And im just mourning the life i thought i was going to have so, so, so much. I know on tumblr ppl somehow think youre brainwashed when you want a traditional marriage and kids and stuff, but i really thought that was going to happen in the next 2 / 3 years, thats how i planned my life since i was fucking 21 and i met him. And now im almost 27, and i cant even go on dates because i cannot bear talking to new people because all i want is a clone of him but better.

I know i will look back at this and think “u cried about THAT guy???” in a few years, because thats how its always been in my life lol (except for one relationship, but were still really really best friends). I always think afterwards i will never love someone that much again. But it hits so much harder because it was such a serious relationship lol i really wanted to marry him. Sobs lol.

#asks #anonymous #abuse cw #suicide cw #i feel so much better after writing this down lol #blondshell salad on repeat if u know u know

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n0vatsu · 9 months

Text

♡Hello everyone♡

⚠️WARNING⚠️

Blood, swearing, can occasionally be 13+, bright edits, spoilers from shows/video games/movies ocs might be sexualized(dnt cancel me plz I’m trying not to make them like that), religious and pride opinions, and more stuff that might be triggering continue at ur own risk ig lol

Welcome to my blog i am a American gacha tumblr/tuber you can call me Tsut, Tsu, Author/Creator T/S,Saturn or just Tsutsuji

My other scmd apps:D!!

discord: galatsu._. server link:D

Pinterest (i rly hope ppl at my school dont find thi)

Instagram YouTube

Roblox user is tsutsuji_mysticwolf(ik bad user) display: n0va ✨my other blogs✨ @dosei-slays (USE THIS BLOG FOR TAGGING)

@tsutsujireblogsthings

@tsutsuji-picrew

@tsutsujiroblox

@tsutsuji-the-creator

@tmwcomicseries @haruna-tsutsuji

follow these amazing peeps

@floofy-cat(bestie irl) @flamy-t @calalapatapola @emuiy(hru:D??) @andreadadonutsimp @reshramlove1ob @adriannaamione @lunarthefrieschild @akioatturasluvr @mel-loly @leaf-and-jud @rookie-choco @boiling-potato @8oddotters @typical-sophie @urlocalgworllol @screwzara @untitled14360 @sc-the-doodle-bugs @justafriendlystranger @jassygay25292691 @simyona(miss you girl<3) @gachaclubideas @neongrimlen505 @serentiydraw5678 @2laffy2 @neko-sufis-world @xxkurosakutisaxx @nxy1134 @ykimhak01 (actually not sure ngl) @atlasprefects @nia1sworld @loki104-uwu(again not sure) and @th4t-w13d0-b1sh

I have many more peeps don’t come at me if u didn’t got tagged lol I have a lot of mutuals ALSO PLZ DNT BEG ME TO ADD U I DNT WANT TO ADD TOO MANY PPL MY PINNED POST WILL LITERALLY BE AN ESSAY IF I DO

Oc + creator bios

Tsutsuji’s bio

Safaia’s bio

Emerarudo’s bio

Baioretto’s bio

Sukāretto’s bio

Ayu’s bio

Creator’s bio Oc intro masterlist

If you are a ,z00ph1le p3do(seriously if you are one of those two or both you rly need to get help), racist, religophobic,homophobic (if it’s for religious reasons I understand but just dnt go around harming people who do) please stay out of my blog yes I do art requests but just dnt do too many cuz I am currently in my lazy and tired era with school and everything lol also plz dnt be mad or offend this blog if I didn’t do it also I dnt always like doing sm details all time in art so I may not

OH AND SINCE I DISABLED MENTIONS CUZ I DONT WANT TO BE SPAMMED WITH TAG GAMES USE THE HASHTAG #tsutsuji’s fanart☆ WHEN YOU HAVE ANY FANART FOR ME

Feel free to ask my ocs anything tsutsuji’s gl2 code (I’ll make creator’s soon) yes I do art trades but I’ll only do it if I say yes don’t send me 18+ art tho…

art requests are closed for now but I might gift you art sometime but I’ll more likely do it if you are a winner from a comp I hosted or a mutual I just want to gift to

End and be safe

#free Palestine I’m not Muslim but I’m a supporter Idc if my family doesn’t support Palestine but genocide, extreme unfairness and harm is wrong🇵🇸🇵🇸🇵🇸 peace and love from United States (yes ik that usa supports Israel but still) stay strong Palestinians

Also enjoy my music taste while your scrolling through my blog;D

Also some kny stuff!!!(mainly works if you have spotify)

last updated in April 7, 2024

#masterpost #gacha #tsutsuji⭐️💖#gacha ocs #my ocs #plz dnt repost any of my posts without permission dnt be a theif (⁠눈⁠‸⁠눈⁠)#Masterpost💖✨#creator💖✨👌#Free Palestine🇵🇸#Spotify #tsutsuji's fanart☆

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wonderinglostsoul · 1 year

Text

Criminal Mind Fanfic

Pairing: Aaron Hotchner x Fem!Reader

Synopsis: You are an FBI agent with a past and you were about to enter the BAU.

Trigger warning: BAU stuff like killing, violence, assault, mention of rape and suicide. I tried not to get too graphic with the decription

Note: This is a slow burn so I hope you can bare with me. I am trying to make it as short as possible. ( I actually wrote this note when I am writing the first chapter and now I have 8 chapters on my draft sooooooooo)

I know that it is a long read but I tried to make each chapter as interesting as possible by adding some case. And as a reward here is a smiling Thomas Gibson

You can view other chapters on Wattpad

Master list:

Chapter 1

You arrived at the BAU one hour earlier. No one was there yet so you roam around the office to make yourself busy, trying not to touch anything. You don’t want to evade any privacy or think that you were snooping even before you get the job.

As you roam around you study each of the desk. There is a desk with a lot of books and science fiction stuff. The desk was tidy but not organize. You know that this is a guy in his late 20s. He was hired by the FBI not because of his strength but his intelligence.

The next table was easier to identify because of a family picture on the table. It was the blonde woman who is an FBI and her husband? You figure that he is a cop. You were about to go to the next table when one of the office at the top of the stairs open.

“Can I help you?” A man says with a soft voice. He is fit, tall and handsome. You can see a hint of tiredness in his eyes. Or was it sadness? All you know is that he havent left his office since yesterday. You got a glimpse of the name tag on the door. It says Aaron.

“Mr. Aaron Hotchner, Hi I am [Y/N/L].” You hurriedly went upstair and held out your hand. “Nice to meet you sir”

He shakes your hand and spoke “You too. But you were early, our meeting was not supposed to be in an hour. Please come in” He opened the door.

When you enter the room you see some paper works. He go to one end of the table and he asked you to sit on another.

He read your file. You know that half of it are true but the other half? Its only your previous boss knows.

“This is a good recommendation that you’ve got. However, your experience with the bureau is… short. I am not sure if it can be sufficient with what we need right now.” He said while he continue reading your resume. You can see the hesitation on his face.

“I do understand that you wanted to hire someone who has experience. But I know that I can be of help with you here, sir. I can be of help so you dont have to pull all this all nighter and spend the rest of your time with your son.” You told him. He looked at you intently. You knew that he was not convinced but both of you also know that this interview is just a formality. Hotchner does not want to hire anyone through nepotism. And this scenario reminds him of how Emily Prentiss started in BAU and he is afraid that the history will repeat it self

He sighed and put the folder down. “ I want to be honest with you,” he said in a low serious voice. “I dont know who you are but everyone on the higher ups wanted me to hire you. But this job. What we do, its important and dangerous and if I cannot trust you or you lacking the experience you might be endangering us all”

“Then try me.” You said, sighing in between smile. “If my experience is not enough for you then put me on the field so I can show you what I can do. I know that I have all these backers but I also studied behavioral science and profiling so I know what I am doing. I pass my exam here in Quantico so I am qualified as any of the agents here. I am top of my class. ” You said with conviction. A knock on the door interrupted your meeting. The door opens and a bubbly blonde open the door. You figure out that she was not the same kind of agent that you are.

“I’m sorry, sir but the Texas PD called and they need our help.” She said.

“Thank you, Garcia. Tell everyone to meet at the conference room.” He said.

“Yes, sir.” She said then closed the door.

“I hope you have your travel bag with you. Follow me please.” He stand up and headed to the door.

We arrived at the conference room and everyone fell silent and looked at us.

“Everyone this is [Y/N]. She will be part of the team “Probationally”.” Hotchner Said emphasizing the probationally.

He starts introducing everyone. Reid, the guy with all the book, Jennifer, the woman with a kid and cop husband, Penelope, the girl who knocks at the Hotchner’s door, Morgan and Rossi.

They were talking about a mass shooting in Texas but they cannot find the shooter.

“An L.D.S.K. “Reid said as a matter of fact.

“What is L.D.S.K?” You asked.

“Long distance serial killer” Reid answers.

“A sniper?” You asked. Hotchner click the remote and shows the victims photo.

“Most likely yes. It seems that the victims were being assassinated. The shooter is from a high a place and shot in the victims in the head and the trajectory of the bullet is in downward position” Hotchner explained. Great! You thought. The last thing you need is a case related to your past

“We need to go to texas. wheels up in 30.” Hotchner added and then he headed out of the conference room.

Everyone started to stand up and followed hotchner. You stayed because you thought of something but Morgan interrupted your thought.

“Hey newbie, you coming?” He said,

“Yes, yes.” You said absentmindedly.

You arrived at the jet. Good thing that your previous boss told you to ready a travel bag because this assignment requires a lot of traveling. Derek and Reid are already seated beside each other, in-front of them is JJ. So you seated at the long couch beside them. Rossi and hotchner was seated at the other side of the plane. The screen opens and Garcia was at the monitor. Rossi and hotchner both stand up and join your area. Rossi seated beside you and hotchner seated on the armrest beside Rossi.

They started to discuss about the victimology. 2 of the victims are male both from a different age group and industry.

“I remember one of our L.D.S.K unsub. The nurse. He would use his car to hide himself and shoot his victim.” Morgan suggested

“Yes but he was not aiming for the head. He was only aiming for the stomach. And he was shooting as many victims as he could so he can save them. But this new unsub kills all the victim.” Reid said.

“Of course you remember it correctly. This is were you got your gun right, out of hotch pity because you saves his life.” Morgan teasing.

“I was able to pass my exam after that so I earned it fair and square” Reid answered.

“Alright, how about you [Y/N] do you have your gun. If not, I think Reid’s whistle is around here somewhere. “Morgan teases and started looking around

“She has a perfect score on her qualifying exam. She has the license to use any kind of guns” Hotchner said. You glance at him and you saw that he was looking at you. Everyone fell silent so try to join the quip.

“I can teach you when we comeback” You told Reid with a smile. “ But my tip is to Aim, shoot and follow thru.”

“Thats the same tip from hotch.” You look at hotchner and he was still looking at you intently so you smiled at him. To stop the awkwardness you address garcia,

“Garcia, do you know the height of the victim?”

“Not yet but I will send you the details as soon as I got the ME.” Penelope responded,

“And can you please check the trajectory of the bullet. Can they Identify the angle?” You added

“For what?” JJ asked,

“To find where the shooter was located during the shooting. We can narrow down the buildings and floors to search.” Rossi answered JJ. “That was impressive [Y/N]. You seems to know a lot about balistc.”

“Yeah” You answered.

“Rossi, [Y/N] and Reid, go to the hospital and check the bodies, you can get your answers there. Morgan, JJ go to the lasted crime scene. I will meet at the texas pd.” Hotchner ordered. They all go back to their seat. You read your case file again and analyze the crime scene.

“Newbie, what’s your story” Morgan asked you.

“What do you mean?” You answered peaking from the case file.

“What do you do before you join the BAU?” He asked, everyone was waiting for you to answer. Even Hotchner put down his case file to listen.

Of course you cannot tell them who you really are. It is confidential and they might not understand even if you tell them. So just tell them all the half truth on your resume. You study behavioral science and profiling in quantico. At the same time you do trainings to be a field agent. You have a short stint as an undercover agent and then you asked to be transferred to BAU to pursue your dream job and become a profiler.

“Why is it that your dream job is to become a profiler? It seems rare to find someone with that dream.” JJ asked.

“Because I can read people easily like an open book. For instance, you are married with 2 kids. You grew up in a farm and based on your body built you are athletic. When we are waiting for take off, you ere fidgeting your phone, contemplating whether to call or not but you opted to text. I concur that you had a fight with your husband and you just inform him that you were on the plane and might not be home tonight. I can go on but I dont want to be rude. But I guess you got my point.” You said apologetically.

“Thats amazing,” JJ said still in shock.

“I know, but it seems that I cannot read 100% of who they are and it still puzzles me how they can kill so many people. Do they have remorse or do they enjoy it so much. All I know is that there are alot of things that you can learn with the human behaviour.” You said passionately.

“I hope you’ll get what you needed here. “ JJ said warmly.

“Thanks” you answered,

The plane landed in Texas. When you embarked to the tarmac you see 3 cars waiting for you. You follow Reid and Rossi to the hospital.

At the hospital you confirmed that the unsub did the shooting at a high place. Approximately 18 floors. You asked garcia if there are building like that in a 10 mile radius and she confirm that there are 17 buildings. you were able to narrow it down because of the position of the victim when it falls. He was laying on his back so most likely he was facing the direction of the shooter.

You call Hotch and mentioned this to him. He asked Morgan and JJ to join you so that you can check floors 17 to 19.

You were able to find the bullet casing on the 18th floor and handed them with the ballistic team. Hotch asked you all to go back to the station to round up your findings.

On the way Garcia was able to find the connection on the victims. They were a member of robbers who were responsible on robbing a bank in the early 90’s. The statue of limitation was about to expire soon and they can now used the marked money that they were able to rob during that time. The team figures that one of the member was trying to eliminate the others to have all the share by themselves. There are still 3 members alive.

The team was able to profile the suspect. Male in their late 40s early 50s. Previous member of a gang. Not really an anti social but does not have any committed relationship in the past years.

The team investigated the bank robbery to identify the other suspect. You spent almost the whole day and still does not got anything. Hotch told everyone to go back to the hotel take a rest and start fresh tomorrow.

You were walking at the corridor when Hotch called you. You glance back and said “What’s up?”

“You did great a while ago at the building. You were able to identify the crime scene. It seems to me that you really know a lot with regards to guns and ballistic but it does not show in your resume.”

“It was just a hobby.” You said defensively. “I also read alot of cases before thats why I knew how to examine medical reports. And I guess watching alot of criminal drama also do good.” You told him smiling. Hotchner just nod but still examining you.

“Sure. Rest up and have a good night.” He bid you good night and open his door. You make way to your own room and started to settle in.

The next morning you all reconvene at the station. This time you made the connection. You were separated in 3 teams and went to each suspects house. All of them was out. On the 2 of the suspect you saw letters asking them to meet at the nearby plaza but the other one did not. Now you knew who is the unsub. Hotchner asked everyone to meet there but before you go with Hotchner to the car you realized something.

“Hotchner, wait!” Hotch glance back at you, holding the car door.

“I dont think that the unsub will be at the meeting place. If he used a sniper before, I bet he will also use one here. He will hunt both of them down.”

“You’re right!” He get his phone and dialed Garcia.

“How can I help you today lovely people.” Garcia greeted at the other side of the phone.

“Garcia, can you find a building near the park. around 10mile radius.”

“There are several, ma’am.”

“How about High rise building with atleast 18 floor?” Hotchner asked.

“There are 7 but there is one building with exactly 18 floors and the highest floor is currently renovated. I will send you the address.”

“Thank you!” You and Hotchner both shouted. You go in the car. Reid was waiting for you. While driving you called everyone and mentioned your finding. You will go to the building while the rest will go to the park. Hotchner also asked back up. While on the way you saw a taller building, atleast 20 floors high. You ask Hotchner to stop.

“Stop the car!” You shouted.

“Why did you find anything?” Hotchner asked.

“I am about to. You go to that building that garcia mentioned. I will check something here.” You said in a hurry. You were about to go down. When Hotchner asked you to stop.

“I did not authorized you to do any of this unless you tell me why. Why do you need to go to that building. What is the connection to the case?”

“I cannot tell you just yet. But I can promise you that I can help. just please trust me on this. If I screw up then fire me right here. Just trust me please.” But you know he will not do that so you immediately grab the black bag you stash under the seat and jump out the car. You heard the car go away but you did not look back.

You run in the building and asked the guard that you need to go to the roof. You show your FBI ID badge and they escort you immediately. When you were at the last floor you asked the guard to stay put and dont approach the rooftop until you said so.

When you are at the rooftop, you open your bag. Inside is your sniper. Which you always bring anywhere with you. What was not added in your resume is that you were a trained sniper of the FBI. You are one of the best there is. You assemble the gun and insert some bullets.

You position your gun and look into the scope to locate the building that Garcia mentioned. You scan the top floor and saw the UnSub. He was preparing to shoot. You scan the park and saw the target and you also saw Morgan, JJ and Rossi approaching the 2 targets. When suddenly each of the swat team started falling down. You knew that the unsub was shooting. Before anything else, you point your gun to the unsub. You can see him smiling. And with your instinct you pull the trigger. It hit the unsub in the head. You saw his gun fall on the ground when he lose grip and fell down. Your heart was raising. This is the first time that you use your sniper after that unfortunate event. You were still looking at the scope when you saw Hotchner go to the window trying to find the one who shoot the unsub but you know he will not find you because you are a few miles away that the naked eye cannot see anymore. You look at him at scope for a while. Trying to read his facial expression. You know that he knew you were the one who did this so you know that he was angry at you. But when you look intently at his face, it was not anger, but rather worry that was registering in his face. He was scanning every single building around but to no avail. He frowned then you saw Reid joined him. He talked to Hotchner. Based on his lip movement you read that the others are fine and the officer that was hit was not critical. You smiled and put away your gun.

You retrieve the bullet casing and put it on your pocket. You went down and join the team at the park.

When JJ see you she was surprised.

“I thought you were with Hotch and Reid at the building where the UnSub is?” JJ asked

“Something happened thats why we have to split. How’s everyone? “ you answered her

“Everyone was fine. Some of the SWAT Team got shot as we approached the target but there were graze, I dont think the UnSub has any intention to kill them.” Morgan answered.

“And what will happened to the robbers?” You asked him

“The statue of limitation will not expire until tomorrow so they can still be arrested.” Morgan answered. You smiled.

“Thats great.” You know they have questions. Its not normal that the boss will let someone alone especially during they apprehension of the suspect. And the bag that you carry. You look more suspicious than any unsub there is. But you know that this is your last day. so you do not care anymore.

When you arrived at the station you saw Hotchner. He was shocked for a second to see you and is that a hint of relief? No, you must be imagining. And in a split second his face become serious again. He raised on eyebrow and then look away. You know that you were fired the moment you left that car. So you just approached him holding your badge.

“Sir,” You said in a low voice. When he turn around you stretched your arm, offering him your badge. He just raised his eyebrow again at the sight of the badge then he look at you

“We will talk when we arrive in Quantico.” He said then turn back to whatever he was doing. You retrieve your hand and walk away, joining the rest of the team.

The plain ride was excruciating. Hotchner was quiet and pretending you did not exist. The rest was minding also there own business. So you just lay down on the couch and tried to snooze all the noises. You cannot believe that you were able to screw your dream job.

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