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butchhamlet · 9 months

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are there any shakespeare retellings you recommend? i really enjoy retellings but it's also difficult to find ones that like. actually understand the source material... i've read your novella duodecimal and really liked it btw! excellent take on twelfth night :-)

THANK YOU SO MUCH WAH... yes, i can recommend some retellings! i keep intending to make a big post with my recs, actually, but there are so many out there that i haven't read yet... so for now here's an incomplete list:

a thousand acres by jane smiley: the first one that came to my mind seeing this ask. it's a retelling of lear set on an american farmstead, and the adaptation is done beautifully and smoothly--it's just distinct enough from OG Lear that you can judge it as a book on its own but also as a lear retelling. and it's sooooo good. it starts a little slow, but the character work is so excellent and it almost made me cry (i will note that there's a pretty hefty cw on this one but... saying what it is is technically spoilers? but feel free to send another ask or message if you want to know up-front)

the last true poets of the sea by julia drake: books that made me have to turn my camera off in zoom class so i could bawl properly. books written for me specifically. this is a loose YA retelling of twelfth night (looser than some of the other retellings on this list) and it's like. perfect. the teenage dialogue actually sounds like teenagers. every emotional beat clubbed me over the head. the love triangle is present--and done really well; it's not present for drama but because sometimes being a teenager is confusing--but more than that this is a book about the relationship between violet and her sibling, and about mental health, and god it makes me CRAZY. also girls kiss in this one

rosencrantz and guildenstern are dead by tom stoppard: i mean. i think most people into shakespeare know r&gad. but in case you haven't read it yet, it's an absurdist play from the point of view of rosencrantz and guildenstern and it's absolutely fucking brilliant. not sure what else to say about this; you've really just gotta read it

teenage dick by mike lew: another play, this one on the modern side--a retelling of richard iii set in a high school, focusing explicitly on disability issues. kind of more a reimagining than a retelling, honestly, but i really like the exploration of r3's themes and also it's fucking hysterical. although i will say there's a kind of jarring tonal shift in this one near the end, so don't go to it for something 100% comedic

american moor by keith hamilton cobb: okay this isn't exactly a retelling but if you've ever read othello you have to read it. you just have to. please god if you've ever read a shakespeare PLEASE. it's a monologue from the perspective of a black man trying out for the role of othello, half-resigned to being pigeonholed into playing that specific role in a very specific way as directed by a white director, but also half-chafing against that resignation, and also exploring the complexities of loving shakespeare as a black man, and it's soooooo so good

exit, pursued by a bear by e.k. johnston: this one is kind of cheating because it's not really a retelling, in that it has next to nothing to do with the winter's tale except that there is a hermione character and a leontes character and a paulina character. i still think it's a very very well-done YA book, though, and one of the only ones i've read that deals head-on with abortion

foul is fair by hannah capin: okay, i will admit i read this one some years ago when i was more into YA, so i'm not sure i would still go crazy over it now, but the plot of this book is that the modern lady macbeth character gets assaulted by a guy at a party and decides to kill everyone who let that happen. and then she does. and idk i read it in two days it felt like being on crack

the wednesday wars by gary schmidt: this one is DEFINITELY cheating, because this isn't a retelling of anything. but if you like shakespeare and you're open to reading historical fiction about a kid in the 60s using shakespeare as a lens through which to understand the chaos of his life (from the vietnam war to his school crush)... it's so good. it made me nearly sob. beautiful book

i'm also a fan of ryan north's shakespeare choose-your-own-adventure books, but those aren't exactly retellings and also the humor will probably not work for everyone. but i like em <3

and finally, i would be remiss not to shout out the fact that @suits-of-woe wrote an INCREDIBLE retelling of the two gentlemen of verona that, like, redeemed the fact that that play exists. if you've read that play and you thought, "wow, i wish this were explicitly homoerotic, or not a rape apologia, or good in any way," you will LOVE macy's book. unfortunately it isn't fucking published yet but WITH YOUR HELP--

#max.txt #feel free to send me recs for shakespeare retellings at any time btw!#i've been collecting a list #i just haven't gotten around to most of the books on it yet #asks

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hillbillyoracle · 4 months

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I've spoken before about the increasing tendency of online communities to coopt the language of specific material difficulties face by minority groups to give their personal complaints more "moral" weight.

The example I always use for this is "gatekeeping" - it was used for a long time in the trans and disabled communities to denote the situation we often face where a cis or able bodied medical professional got to determine whether we belonged to a group enough to access treatments we needed. This is a very serious medical issue that we face that leads people in the community to wind up using black markets and risking their lives with less than scrupulous people who seek to profit off of this medical alienation. Some people wind up in incredibly amounts of physical and mental pain or even committing suicide.

I spent a long time not understanding why in the last maybe 6 or so years so many people, mostly younger, seized on the words as if it was theirs to describe merely not being included in a group by others of the same identity were no route for filling a material need is impacted. Even more recently I've run across people who are using it to mean that information they want - for hobbies, interests - is difficult for them to find.

I hear all the time "language changes" - which is definitely true. But it's worth looking at why given language changes happen - and who benefits. This is a whole field in linguistics and it tell you a lot about the values of a given group. It hit me when I came across it most recently that whether people admit it or not, they borrow that language because they want their complaint to be taken as seriously as the material complaint they see it originate with.

And this is obviously not great right? Like you not being allowed in a discord you want or it not being easy to figure out how to knit a sweater are very obviously not on par with being denied a badly needed medical treatment to deal with your pain because you're not considered "disabled enough" by an able bodied doctor. I get this is largely happening subconsciously and we don't really have a language to talk about it making it even harder or people to catch in their own usage. I don't have an answer to that as I'm not a trained philosopher or linguist but I do have some food for thought.

For those who can be honest with themselves enough to see that they likely use words like this to lend the moral weight of marginalization to their mundane concerns, I want you to know some practical issues with this.

One, it pretty instantly flags you as being unsure of the veracity or relevance of your point, unlikely to be receptive to the other person, and more worried about appearances rather than the issue at hand. Which is a shame because you may have a really good point in there. You may absolutely be calling out an issue that needs addressed. But borrowing the language of these groups for their moral weight is simply not needed when you've made an effective argument.

Two, moralizing the mundane is a facet of carceral cultural creep. This really could be it's own post, but simply put, we've come up in a media ecosystem which tends to praise "justice" systems as being the means for processing difficult experiences - regardless of how true that is when interacting with the systems themselves. So even people who are out here saying ACAB will unironically police other people on having and performing the correct opinions in ever tightening loops (as punished people are needed to keep the rest o the group in line). You're not exempt from it and the desire to make mundane things like people not wanting you in their clubhouse and not finding the right video out to be a moral failure on someone else's part is rooted in those very non-progressive ideas.

Three, generalization means the language loses it's moral weight as it gets used meaning it is a constant process of habituation and more and more groups will wind up having their very important and specific terminology taken up for the sake of this particular selfish pyre. Once you've habituated to the language you can never go back and grasping at the language that these groups have to continually reinvent in light of this watering down is a type of violence given the material costs to groups who can no longer name the heinous act of the systems they face. If you indulge in this, it'll never stop and can never be enough.

The answer is pretty simple. Learn to state your feelings plainly. Learn to form solid arguments without resorting to mental shortcuts like coopting the marginalization to moralize your mundane experience. Learn how to set actual boundaries (which are about controlling your own behavior not others) and walk away from people and groups that don't align with your preferences and pursuits.

The answer is grow into yourself - stable, healthy, flexible.

#long post #I have no clue what to tag this as #I really didn't think it would be this long when I started writing #I would tag it gatekeeping but I don't want to attract #needless reactivity

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ghostsandfools · 3 months

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Gemini is so neurodivergent I don't know how nobody's talking about it.

OKAY, strap in, this one's gonna be long, and it's gonna be ranty, and I'm going to do it anyways.

Gemini is probably my favorite character... EVER. They are so perfect, I love them so much, I will die on this hill. They are the one constant for me. In this crazy, overly controversial fandom, in this crazy, overly controversial world, we all have one thing we can count on: Gemini. AND THEY GET SO LITTLE SCREENTIME! But that's not why I'm here.

So, almost everyone in TSBS has signs of some sort of mental illness or neurodivergency. This is not new. But I really wanna get into it with Gemini because I feel like nobody cares enough about them!

So, I'm going to split this up into parts. One for Pollux, one for Castor, and one for Gemini. Just to make it easier. LET'S GO!

Pollux:

So, Pollux. The first signs start to show with her when she was first introduced. She's hyper, she's unfocused, she's friendly, she's all over the place. These are very stereotypical, very basic signs of ADHD. HOWEVER, I actually DON'T think she has ADHD. I think she's just hyper sometimes. ADHD is much more that just being a little off the walls, it's a genuine disability that makes it difficult to focus or remember things, and I feel like if you dig deeper, that's not what's going on with her.

I do think that she's neurodivergent, however, in some capacity. Probably autism. I think her and Castor both have autism actually, but I'll get in to him later.

First of all, hyperactivity can also be a sign of autism. And while, when she first comes to Earth it seems as though she can't focus on any specific thing, I think that's because she's focused on Earth as a whole, explaining her interest in anything on Earth. I think learning about and exploring Earth might be one of her special interests, or maybe just exploring planets in general.

Now, the next point might just be due to technical issues, but maybe not. Pollux and Castor both have pretty blank faces, and don't have very many emotes. It may have just been a problem with their 3d modelling, so not the strongest point, but neurodivergent people and people on the spectrum often have difficulty with facial expressions, something I've also struggled with.

Pollux definitely has less neurodivergent coding than Castor does, but I think it's still there.

Castor:

Castor. I don't even know where to start with him.

When Castor was first introduced, he was very unexpressive and monotone, already a symptom of neurodivergency.

He also struggles socially, more so than Pollux. While Pollux was over-bearing, she had no trouble making friends once the chance arose. Castor, on the other hand, was perceived by most of the main cast as "creepy" or "rude", which hits closer to home than I want to admit.

But, over time, it becomes clearer and clearer that he only wants what's best. He doesn't intend to be terse, or rude, or weird, he's just never interacted with anyone that wasn't a star before.

Pollux seemed to adjust well to the environment on Earth once she learned more about the people there, but it seems Castor struggled a lot more with adapting in a new environment.

Castor is also a very private person. He has hobbies and emotions and thoughts, but he keeps them all to himself. Of course, after a while of spending time with Lunar, he starts to speak his mind more, which eventually led up to the last episode we saw him in where he yelled at Lunar for killing Eclipse. Still, I find it interesting that it took an extreme situation like that for him to finally speak his mind.

Gemini:

Gemini <3

Pollux and Castor work extraordinarily well together. They are THE siblings of all time, I love them.

I'm going to delve into headcanons for a minute here, but I feel like the other astrals don't like them very much. We never hear Gemini really talk about the other astrals, aside from basic details.

I feel like, after living with people for your entire life, your SIBLINGS, and those being the ONLY people you interacted with, you'd have some fond memories of them.

But they don't. And even now, there's tension between Gemini and the rest of the astrals. They clearly stand out. The other astrals seem to not take them seriously, and don't exactly listen to them. I feel like, from that recent scene from Taurus, maybe the other astrals, at least some of them, actively DISLIKE Gemini.

This may be why they're so unused to socially interacting on Earth. They probably spent very little time with their siblings, especially considering Nebula's existence. Maybe their siblings didn't visit them at all. That thought makes me sad.

Feeling outcasted is commonplace for neurodivergent people, as well as being perceived wrong.

Closing thoughts: Okay, I might be projecting here. I'm not sure. As someone who is neurodivergent, I identify with Gemini harder than any other fictional character. They're so special. I don't know if I'm picking up on subtext that isn't there, but if you have any thoughts, please share. I wanna know what you guys think.

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lilislegacy · 3 months

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(This gets a little rant-y sorry!)

I just saw the post that somebody said about Annabeth and Percy dropping out of college and I totally see that.

Something that I see a lot, especially in fanfiction, is people forgetting that these 2 are neurodivergent and severely traumatized.

College is really hard. In general, for a neurotypical person, it would be difficult.

I'm writing this from an autistic, dyslexic, adhd, ptsd point of view. College is really fucking hard.

I've seen fics where people will talk about how they'll be taking 4-5 classes per semester. That's not really possible for them.

I have been taking one class a semester, and it is excruciating.

Granted, I do not go to New rome University, which is mainly demigods. So it might be tailored differently to how most demigods learn, but still, college is really difficult.

I could definitely see them trying college but taking it at a substantially lower pace than normal.

Like the original ask said, they might just drop out because it would be too much of a mental load.

Especially because of how soon the turnaround is from their severe trauma (tartarus) and them going to college. Even if they tried their best, they wouldn't do well. (This is also me speaking from experience. When I was going through stuff in high school, it made my gpa drop like a brick.)

I'm just tired of people acting like the only symptoms of their trauma is bad dreams and that their only symptoms of their adhd and dyslexia are "oh squirrel!" And not being able to read.

(Sorry for ranting. This is just kind of a sore subject for me. Especially recently, I have had to deal with some ableism from my professor, and I'm looking into transferring to a different college because of it)

thanks for the ask @invadericee!

i totally see where you’re coming from. college is really really hard on its own. being dyslexic, adhd, and traumatized does not help.

however, i really do not believe that they would drop out. the biggest reason being they are both so determined to get though it. and when those two are determined, nothing is stopping them.

you also have to remember that new rome university doesn’t just accommodate for kids like them. the university is made specially for people like them. most everyone there has adhd. most everyone there has dyslexia. and many of them have ptsd. and likely, the teachers and staff are demigods. so they are the same way, and therefore know how to teach in a way that actually works for them. also, new rome university is a very very small college, so the students would get a lot of one-on-one time with professors and counselors, etc. so i don’t believe their learning disabilities will hurt them very much there, because the entire system is built around them having those learning disabilties. you know?

but i completely agree with you that i don’t like how people downplay their trauma a lot. and rick riordan himself is the biggest suspect of this. in chalice of the gods, percy and annabeth are mainly just happy to be alive and having a good time, and percy only makes one passing remark about his mental state not being great. and i get why rick didn’t dive into it - he wanted the book to just be happy and silly and enjoyable. but still, i wish he would show how they’re coping a little bit more. in the bits i’ve seen of TSATS, sally mentions how percy and annabeth have horrible nightmares, which probably means percy wakes up screaming in the middle of the night. but like you said, ptsd isnt just nightmares. and adhd and dyslexia aren’t just cute little issues either. now, i will say, i don’t think their adhd is the same kind you and i have. theirs is more hyperactivity than anything. and while most people with adhd struggle with not being able to focus on one thing, i think with them it’s more that they are constantly focused on a million things (becasue that keeps them alive.) i don’t know why it matters, but i just felt like giving my thoughts on that lol.

i don’t even know what my point is anymore. basically i don’t think college will be as hard for them as you think, but i agree with you on everything else 😂

#good lord my brain just threw up #excuse me #answered ask #pjo #percabeth

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traumacatholic · 4 months

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Something that I would seriously urge people to do is make their own list of resources in their local/national area- for all kinds of problems. Have a big list of resources that includes things for resources for housing help, resources for low income struggles, resources for mental health, for sexual assault, for disability, etc.

When you or someone you love are in crisis, it can be incredibly difficult to do the work of searching out resources. It is time consuming, and can be very emotionally draining - which is tough to do when you are in a very vulnerable position. If you have all of the important phone lines, emails, and drop in centres in one easy place then you are cutting down so much work. You can do this really easily by just copying links and phone numbers into a Word document or into Google docs. Or even write it out into a notebook. Put things under a basic heading of 'mental health' or 'housing/homelessness'. It doesn't matter the way you organise it, what's important is that you know how to navigate it. You can also use this resource to list resource lists that other people have made, so you can easily find things again.

Please do this even for issues that you think you might never be in a position to struggle with. You never know what tomorrow might bring. All it takes is for one awful event to happen for you to end up homeless, or to end up in a financial crisis, or to end up disabled. Please never think that these things can't happen to you - and that's not to doomer post. But it's important to keep in mind when building a list of resources. Do it for everything you can think of. Even if you never use it for yourself, someone might reach out to you wanting help with something. And being able to easily send them over resources will be of great help to the both of you.

If that's really out of the question, have a look and see if a charity or something similar has a list of resources for your local area - sometimes they might have some lists of different similar resources you can access. Make use of these resources, they're there to help you!

#mental health #disability #life tips #mental health resource #disability resource

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carrotcouple · 28 days

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World Lupus Awareness Day!

Hello, Hi.

So today is World Lupus Awareness Day. As just a normal person but also as someone with a younger sister who has Lupus, I feel like it's important that I help spread some awareness!

For those of you who don't know what Lupus (also known as Systemic Lupus Erythematosus), is an autoimmune disease in which the body's immune system mistakenly attacks healthy body tissue! I recommend that everyone look up more details!

Lupus or SLE's symbol among patients is a purple butterfly which is symbolic of the butterfly rash that some patients experience. Some symptoms are swollen and pained joints, fevers, chest pain, hair loss, fatigue and more.

A lot of this I have looked up (am looking up as I type so that I make sure I am accurate) and have also witnessed first hand. My younger sister was diagnosed with SLE in 2020 and was experiencing symptoms as early as 2012.

I'd like to talk about my younger sister in this post to just illustrate what she has going on and how things look for a person with Lupus (SLE).

My younger sister has Lupus Nephritis Class 1 (which means that she has Lupus in her kidneys), Discoid Lupus (which affected her scalp and caused immense hair loss, she still has scars from which hair cannot grow), Anti Cardiolipin Antibody Positive (blood clots could kill her or cause miscarriages so she's aways on blood thinners but this also means bleeding of any sort takes time to stop), Alpha Thalassemia Minor (similar to sickle cell anemia, she has tear drop shaped red blood cells), Chronic Interstitial Lung Disease (or also Restrictive Lung disease, she finds it incredibly hard to breathe in any situation where the air is humid and some days just normally she struggles to breathe).

All of these have made her life incredibly difficult. She is managing all of this with medication, however, medication only helps to manage it and some days are harder than the rest. Being a full time worker is hard. She had to drop out of college because she couldn't handle being a full time student, meds are incredibly expensive and what's worse is, because she looks normal on the outside, people don't accept that she's essentially disabled. (She's currently looking to apply for disability). A lot of days are just impossible for her but she keeps going because healthcare and legal help for people with SLE (or health issues in general) is so hard to get. Her mental health has to be constantly managed so that she eats and therefore can also have her meds.

Despite all this she finds it in herself to smile and do things she enjoys!

So! Yeah! Today is Lupus Awareness Day! Please share this and also look it up to learn more about it! Especially since I don't know everything obviously!

#sunny rambles #world lupus awareness day #lupus awareness #lupus #systemic lupus erythematosus #somewhat personal ig considering it involves my sister #REBLOG REBLOG TO SPREAD AWARENESS

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candlecafe · 11 months

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Hey since it’s disability pride month I want to talk about the ways that you might be accidentally contributing to ableism. If you do these things then it does not mean you’re a bad person, there’s a high chance that you didn’t know you were causing harm. I’m making this post to make light of these issues and so that you can improve.

Participating in the trend of “fake disorder/disability cringe”. This is a well known issue amongst disabled people but I think a lot of able people still don’t know this is problematic. Many disabled people have to deal with being called fake both irl and online (even by medical professionals). Making and spreading content about this often hurts more then it helps

Participating in cringe culture. Honestly cringe culture is awful for so many reasons but ableism is a big one. Cringe culture usually shames people for acting in a way that is socially unacceptable, usually this shows itself in shaming people for having interests that are to childish, edgy, weird, niche, popular, or just generally laughed at or in liking something “too much”. This can be especially harmful to people who don’t have a strong grasp of those social norms such as neurodivergent people, especially when it comes to “liking something to much”.

Jokes centered around shaming people for poor hygiene. I honestly can’t think of a single person who chooses to neglect personal cleanliness. I can however think of multiple people who struggle with hygiene due to disabilities. Some people might not be able to wash dishes due to sensory issues, or maybe fatigue keeps you from being able to clean your house, maybe mobility issues causes you to struggle with tasks like getting dressed, and many people with mental disorders/illnesses can struggle with executive dysfunction which makes it incredibly difficult actually get up and take a shower. I personally struggle with changing, showering, brushing my tears due to a mix of fatigue and executive dysfunction and I literally can’t do the dishes without constantly gagging. I haven’t told anyone (including my therapist) about these struggle’s because of stigma and fear of judgement.

Making fun of people who live with their parents. @2020knives made a great post about this here that I highly recommend reading, but to summarize a lot of disabled people have to live with their families for their own safety and the heavy stigma associated with this way of living can be quite harmful to someone’s social and mental health.

Calling people lazy. This is similar to the issues hygiene centered jokes. I don’t think that people should ever shame someone for being lazy (outside of like, billionaires) as a lot of people can be struggling to do the bare minimum. Some people *need* to lay in bed for long periods of time and shaming them for that is unproductive and harmful. Not everyone has the ability to get up and work everyday and no one should be made to feel lesser for that.

This is nowhere near everything so please add anything I missed. Please reblog and share this message where you can, I think that by talking about some of the harmful things that we do we can build a better community.

#disability #disability pride #disability awareness #disability acceptance

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alostlittleriverlotus · 3 months

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the pure fucking hell of having NPD and OCPD. Like. Yes. Perfectionism means love and lack of working or perfecting your work means you are opening yourself up to hatred, isolation, and everything you fear.

I'm so bad at explaining it. But like. I sit here. And deal with perfectionism from two separate disorders. That makes something as simple as playing RELAXING VIDEO GAMES stressful as fuck. Animal Crossing, Ooblets, Stardew Valley? No. If everything isn't perfect and I do my absolute best, I am a failure and will lose fucking everything within my grasp.

I'm still learning about my OCPD and how it affects me since it mingles with my narcissism a lot, but oh my god, it is so fucking obvious whenever I play literally ANY fucking video game. The relaxing cozy ones are obvious, but it's in RPGs and any "quest-based" games as well. Minutes feel too fast and ADHD and dissociation only worsens it. Plus my mind is crowded and busy.

So basically even my comfort games are exceptionally stressful for me and it's exhausting. And I'm REALLY trying to unlearn that. It just gets hard when I need to buy EVERYTHING, but can't earn enough money in the limited in game day or end up getting distracted and forgetting cause I have to do another task that I think of as I pass by it. I really have to teach myself to fucking enjoy relaxing down time. When all I have is down time cause I'm fucking disabled and isolated as fuck. Not to mention if OCD gets in the way especially with the little rituals I have to do or else shit gets bad which only wastes more seconds.

Narcissism + OCPD is a hellish combination. Perfectionism in either on their own is already hell. Group them together and it's suffering. Fucking hell.

As I unpack my OCPD and begin to explore disorders one by one, I focus on one trait that affects me at the time. And right now? It's the work obsessions/keeping busy and the perfectionism of OCPD. Especially since I'm disabled and unable to do physical work (cleaning, unpacking, an actual job, anything like that) or any other productive activity (drawing or writing) so I often turn to video games for a sense of productivity and it can be exceptionally relaxing. But I so often slip into that "maximize everything" mode. I know other people tend to do that too especially with like Stardew Valley, but like...having PDs with it is just hellish. Cause it's so natural to you and now without some other outlet for this such as school or work or even cleaning or writing, you turn to your comforts. And it eats away at you. I've just been experiencing it a lot lately and it's made it really difficult to play games especially since I never know what to play and feel like I'm missing a lot of stuff and it just sits with me as this huge discomforting, unsafe feeling. And it's so fucking distinct. And then with perfectionism being tied to my self worth with narcissism, that means if I'm not doing stuff, I cannot be loved and it worsens my mental state and self esteem. Plus the whole societal push of this shit doesn't help. I'm usually pretty good at undoing the ableist shit of "You have to work to be useful or else youre lazy" since I focus a lot on self care with my deteriorating physical state. But dude. Sometimes it gets to me. Like I cannot be mentally stable. There is so much fucking trauma packed into this bad boy. So many issues and so many disorder experiences that wax and wane cause of symptom holding alters or specific triggers for them to pop out.

Hell. Life is hell. And this is the recent mentally ill thing getting to me lately.

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norbezjones · 6 days

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I've been thinking a lot about something concerning Romance The Backrooms, so I wanted to write it down and share it.

Content Warning: Discussion of suicidal thoughts, self harm, mental health issues, and homelessness. There is a hopeful ending.

I got the idea for RtB in October, when I was living on a friend's couch and trying to find permanent housing. That ended up being a really difficult month for me, because I self-harmed for the first time in months and, as a result, I went to inpatient.

I was there for a while, and I got better. With all the time I had in thee, I worked on creative things, and really fleshed out RtB. I couldn't live with my friend anymore after October ended, but the social worker told me that she would find me a group home.

However, when I was transferred to a different wing of the hospital, I was given a new social worker. And this one said that I couldn't get into a group home, and he was going to discharge me into a homeless shelter asap.

That resulted in a spike of suicidal thoughts. Why had I come this far, only for this to happen to me? Should I just end it? But, no--if I did that, who would be around to make Romance The Backrooms? If my light snuffed out now, that game would never be made.

I've been suicidal since I was 10 years old, and it's usually nor big, grand things that make me want to stay alive. It's the dogs I would never pet and the movies I'd never be able to watch that make me say, "One more day." And RtB became my "One more day." It became the reason why I persevered.

After I was discharged, my friends told me that I still needed inpatient help & psychiatric care. So after touching things out for a few days, I brought myself to the ER and was admitted. A few days later, I was brought to another inpatient, and two weeks later, that inpatient sent me to a short-term residential program.

It was a wonderful program, and I met some fantastic people there. I also worked more on RtB--I figured out all of my love interests, and drew them for the first time. On the characters profiles, which you can view here, there are drawings with the description, "Concept art from when I was in treatment in December 2023." These were all done while I was at the residential program.

I was able to scrounge up some money to be able to get an Airbnb after I discharged--it was cheaper than other options, and would hopefully be temporary while I searched for permanent housing.

Unfortunately, finding housing is difficult when you haven't worked in 2 years (mainly thanks to pseudo-dementia, which I've documented extensively in this game here), and don't have the money for a security deposit. I also wasn't poor enough or disabled enough to get help from the government. Very unfortunate.

Long story short, I ran out of funds to stay at the Airbnb in 2 months. I was able to get into a short-term housing program for homeless folks with mental health issues. That was when I met Kevin.

Kevin told me he could help me get hotel & housing vouchers if I went with him after our time at the program was done. I had no other options, so I did. I spent the money I had keeping us afloat at a motel while we waited for the voucher, and went across the state to a different one when Kevin told me the one we were at wouldn't accept the voucher. When he left to retrieve it, I waited very patiently for him to return.

He never did.

I suspect the whole thing was some sort of scam all along, and even though part of me knew it could be, I went with it because it was either go with Kevin, or go to the homeless shelter.

The next day, I had to check out of the motel--I had literally no money left. I gathered my bags and sat in the lobby--well, I say lobby, but there weren't any chairs or tables, so I was basically sitting on the ground in the corner of the room, with sun from the window scorching my back--while I tried to come up with a plan.

I made a lot of phone calls to people who might be able to help me, but nothing came through. Even 211 had nothing, because the homeless shelters in the town I was in were full.

I became suicidal again at that moment. Again, the eternal question: why had I come this far, only for this to happen to me? Should I just end it?

No, goddammit. If I go now, Romance The Backrooms will never be made, I thought to myself. I want to be around to make it. I want to be around to see it through. Come on, Bez. Things looks like shit, but let's keep going anyway.

Not long after that thought came to my mind, another person entered my head, someone else I could call. I wavered, but eventually decided to try calling them, and they answered. They were able to help.

It's thanks to them that I am where I am today. I have housing for a while, and I got a job that I'm satisfied with.

Best of all, I'm working on Romance The Backrooms.

I'm so happy I stayed around to see it through.

#romancethebackrooms #mental health #personal #mental illness #my games

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scarfacemarston · 1 year

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Prostheses in Media - Historical standpoint

So I let the request I received about misconceptions in media for a few weeks because I wanted to answer the question adequately. My ultimate goal is to write information respectfully and ethically. I am nervous posting this and I hope I do it justice. However, I will listen to the community, especially about modern-day prostheses. I defer to them. This took days to complete. Please like and reblog if you liked it. It’s the only feedback I get and encourages writers like me to continue.

Some of the information is a little graphic, but I tried to stay away from that as much as possible. Spoilers for Agent Carter, Game of Thrones, Falcon and the Winter Soldier, and Boardwalk Empire. I’m so sorry for the wonky photo sizes, but tumblr keeps fighting my edits. Historically, people/shows underestimate how wildly different prosthetics can be. Some can be very cumbersome, but some are quite advanced in comparison to other fields of medicine at their time. The first plastic limbs were designed around the 1940s and, in some countries, far later than the 40′s leading some people to use wooden prostheses. It depended on economic status and the resources medical professionals could access. However, we also have evidence of very advanced Egyptian prosthetics and Medieval metal prosthetics, so I think some of these prosthetics were cumbersome but still relatively advanced. I'm not sure if Tumblr will flag me if I post the picture, but it's in the link.

As far as historical characters, that's difficult to analyze because I feel prostheses are featured more prominently in fantasy or sci-fi worlds where you can't measure that to real-life standards. I am sure some old movies and books demonstrate these issues I am unaware of. Fictionally, I felt Agent Carter did a great job depicting disability. Daniel Sousa has a prosthetic and walks with a crutch. The other agents at the SSR agency completely underestimate him, exclude him, make extremely ableist comments, and sometimes even get physical, such as pushing/crowding him out of the way. Sousa has some amazing comments about this in the early episodes of season 1, where he talks about how everyone cheers the soldiers returning home for a few days and then essentially ignores those who did not return the "same" way, whether that is physically like Sousa or mentally struggling like Jack Thompson.

One quote: "They weren't clapping for me. They were clapping for this and this. Clapping because I make them feel guilty, and they want to feel good. You think because I'm wearing a suit and I got a clean shave, we're different? We're not. We're both people nobody cares about.” Sousa is below Yes, I suck at sizing pictures. I’ll edit it once I can fix my resizing. :/ Don’t worry, you’ve read the longest part. The rest is pics with tidbits.

Picture above from 1947 of WWII vets looking at various prostheses. From the “Every Body” Smithsonian exhibit. Very cool site!

I think people don't know that there are actually tons of different types of prosthetics. I have read of early breast reconstruction surgery, but academically, there are a lot of arguments about whether rebuilding breast tissue is a prosthetic or plastic surgery. Plastic surgery has an early connection with prosthetics. For example, right around World War I, facial prosthetics were considered a massive breakthrough. It literally transformed people's lives. I don't know how much I can say without Tumblr flagging me because it is so incredibly graphic.

WWI was especially brutal because many new technologies were invented, allowing for more powerful weapons, tanks, and chemical agents like mustard gas. Think about what these weapons can do if it strikes someone's face.

The doctor who created much of the practices was Sir Harold Gillies, but American artist Anna Coleman Ladd played a prominent role in the creation of many of these pieces; some are actually rather beautiful in a macabre way. However, every single country had talented individuals that made key contributions. If you look up pictures before, during, and after the surgery, they are extremely graphic, so be warned. However these transformations are amazing, but the pure emotional pain, the physical horrors of war, and the transformation to something resembling "normalcy" is difficult to watch, but these people’s histories shouldn’t be forgotten.

Boardwalk Empire also depicted facial prosthetics' role through Richard Harrow's character, whose picture is above. The show features a WWI veteran with a facial prosthesis similar to the one I described. I've heard praise for it, but I realize that isn't a historical fact. I've heard of other period dramas having characters with a prosthesis, but I haven't watched them.

Since limbs are the most common prostheses -

Anakin and Luke Skywalker's prosthetics are entirely scientific-fantasy realm, as well as Jaime Lannister's from Game of Thrones. However, a German knight named Götz von Berlichingen had a relatively advanced arm. There is a picture below of Gotz's prosthetic.

Jaime Lannister’s prosthetic above:

I think another one of the most famous examples is Bucky Barnes. People generally know that his arm is highly unrealistic, so I’m not entirely sure how helpful I can be here. I can mention WWII prosthetics a bit though. Here are two links: 1. These are people who have prosthetics and / or work with prosthetics in a medical setting.

2. The Science of Marvel by Sebastian Alvarado has several bits about Bucky’s arm and its connection with the rest of his body.Falcon and the Winter Soldier explored this a bit and because of a chain of events, Bucky discovered a fail safe in his arm was placed by those who helped rebuild his arm. A lot of people are heavily debating whether this is an example of discrimination/ abelism or not. 3. Here is a video of some prosthetic experts and users looking at Bucky’s arm.

This picture is from the 1940s. This type of arm is still used today. Sometimes it’s function-based, but historically, sometimes, the type of prosthetic was based on your socio-economic status.

World War I prosthetics seem to appear more closely to an arm, but WWII prostheses seem to focus more on functionality. I post a pic here for the comparison. (PLEASE FEEL FREE TO CORRECT ME HERE. This is something that’s confused me for ages because the academic books and journals I’ve read contradict each other.) The picture below appears to be the type of arm Bucky would have had more likely than the picture that I show earlier. Ironically, despite the “better tech”, WWII veterans staged a protest over the quality of veteran health care, especially those with prostheses. Makes me wonder what Sousa and Bucky would have done. Would they have participated?

The fetishization of prostheses can also be a huge problem. There is fan fiction on which people in the prosthetic community have a wide berth of opinions. Since I don't have a prosthetic myself, I don't feel like it would be right of me to speak up on the subject except to say that there is zero denying that fetishization occurs. Finally, many people need to remember that not just soldiers/ veterans and action heroes have prosthetics. Some people are born with differently formed limbs. Another thing is not everyone feels shame over their body. I posted examples below of people who have different opinions. Regardless, the media could better reflect diverse stories. Disability research can be tricky as a lot relies on medical records, which can be tricky to get . The most crucial thing for historians is ethics and following protocols so finding records require more effort. There are also diaries, letters, and memoirs, but that can also be difficult to come across, meaning we don't have as many narratives from the people with the prosthetic themselves. However, there are new letters found and memoirs written all the time.

Finally to learn more:

I would recommend A Disability History of the United States (REVISIONING HISTORY) by Kim E. Nielsen, which you can find in libraries and other sources that have PDFs.....It’s a little more accessible, but another wonderful book is

Paying with Their Bodies: American War and the Problem of the Disabled Veteran by John M Kinder. It’s a more graphic read and more academic in tone, but I still recommend it.

Links:

Here’s a good mini-documentary about some of the latest advancements in prosthetics.

Here’s an article about the future of prosthetics.

I don’t usually post a source like ABC News, but they have an interesting WWII catalog type of graph and a great example of modern pieces.

I hope you all found this interesting. I was very nervous to post this. Please let me know (politely) if anything should be corrected. I’m here to listen to the community. As a disabled person, I think it’s crucial to listen to others in the community, even if our stories and experiences differ.

Feel free to send more questions to me! My specialties are the history of medicine and the history of human sexuality, but I also like to research other aspects of history, so feel free to ask!

#disability history #history of medicine #agent carter #daniel sousa #captain america #winter soldier #bucky barnes #james buchanan barnes #game of thrones #jaime lannister #boardwalk empire #richard harrow #captain america and the winter soldier #falcon and the winter soldier #anakin skywalker #luke skywalker #long post

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area51-escapee · 6 days

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Actually still thinking about that though like. The whole fucking “I want a golden retriever ADHD bf”, “I want to meet a neurospicy alt girl”, “I like him he’s a little autistic”, I just fucking hate it. They reduce real mental illnesses and disorders down to just quirky personality traits and to me they make it obvious that they don’t want any of the real problems that comes with having those disorders, they just want the #relatable traits that make for funny TikTok’s.

They’re okay with stereotypical traits of ADHD, being hyper or having that “class clown” type of personality, but what about when their ADHD partner hyperfixates on something and ends up not responding for several hours? What about when their ADHD partner has actual symptoms of ADHD, forgetfulness, time blindness, being disorganized or easily distracted. What about when their ADHD partner forgets to do a chore or needs to be asked to do something? Are they okay with that? Can they accommodate someone who needs extra help and extra reminders? Or will they complain that it’s “too much labor” to ask for something to be done because their partner should just Know that they wanted it done. Will they help their partner when they run out of meds and struggle with daily tasks more than usual? Will they be understanding if their partner forgets things they believe they shouldn’t?

And then the “I want someone who’s a little autistic” absolutely infuriates me. It’s outright admitting they want someone that has these traits they can romanticize but they don’t want someone who’s too autistic, they don’t want someone who would be too weird to other people, they don’t want someone who actually struggles due to being autistic. They like the idea of someone who’s quirky and interesting and “not like everyone else”, but they don’t want somebody who struggles with going to new places, who only eats a handful of specific foods, who struggles with hygiene or keeping their spaces clean. They like the type of autism presented in TV, someone who’s super smart in some specific area, but only if it matters to them, they don’t want to listen to someone with an odd special interest talk about it again and again, they don’t want their partner bringing their toys or stuffed animals or collectibles and trying to display them and “ruining” the aesthetic, they don’t want to help their partner through meltdowns or be understanding when it comes to communication issues.

There’s more to ADHD than being hyperactive or impulsive in a way that comes across as “spontaneous” and interesting, having ADHD doesn’t automatically turn someone into the fun loving extroverted “golden retriever” partner of your dreams. There’s more to Autism than just having “interesting quirks” or special interests in topics considered “important” and coming across as cool and aloof. These are disorders that impact every aspect of a person’s life, that make it difficult to go through day to day life, that often come with experiencing bullying and being treated as “undesirable”. It doesn’t make it better when you pick and choose traits that YOU like and turn them into some kind of category of person you can seek out on a dating app, especially if you are not ready to understand the realities of these disabilities and be there for your partner when they need patience and understanding.

#I’m sorry this kind of stuff just. drives me insane #I was gonna get in more to mental illnesses as well but #I have adhd and autism and those are the chords that get struck specifically #when I see things like that #I always feel just. unwanted. like being with me would only be a burden #because I struggle with certain things and I don’t show emotions right and I have difficulty with empathy #because I’m disorganized and gross and I behave oddly and struggle to speak to new people #it doesn’t make me feel better to see the disabilities that I have that cause those things #being turned into cutesy meaningless dating types #it makes me nervous that someone will have the wrong idea of me based off how common those posts are #and will be severely let down by the reality of what it’s like to live with those things

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ed-recovery-affirmations · 3 months

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Hi! I wanted to ask for advice on how to deal with extreme emotions controlling how much I eat or don't eat?

Something I wanted to clarify is that when I don't eat, I'm not starving myself on purpose, but when I do eat, I am purposely binging.

For a long time I lost weight thanks to being too anxious to eat. I would throw up during anxiety attacks, and lose my appetite for weeks during periods of stress. I was severely underweight and many doctors assumed I was dealing with anorexia simply based off my weight, even after I explained I wasn't losing weight on purpose and just had extreme anxiety affecting my eating habits and making me throw up.

Nowadays, my depression is a lot stronger than my anxiety. (I am dealing with grief from multiple deaths in the family, I'm disabled, and because of my life circumstances, it's very unlikely that I'll ever be able to live independently or work outside of home)

While anxiety makes me throw up or lose my appetite for food, depression does the opposite. I binge eat out of depression. I feel bored and aimless all day so I try to fix it by overeating, and I don't feel like a normal person when I eat. I plan out my binge sessions and consume way more food than what's healthy for me, even to the point where I physically feel sick from the bloating, or from eating foods that I'm sensitive to since I suffer from GI issues. I don't feel full after I finish binging, and it's starting to become very disruptive.

On the one hand I'm glad that I have an appetite and that I'm not at an unhealthy low weight anymore but I realize that what I'm doing now isn't an ideal coping mechanism, either. I'm having a lot of trouble coping, I don't have a doctor who I see regularly, and I can feel myself spiraling out of control. How do I learn how to eat normally?

Hm. This is such a complex situation. Chronic health conditions can be so difficult in these situations. If you're able to access counseling, I'd say start the process of finding a counselor who's a good fit for you. This will be someone who can guide you with a tailor-made plan just for you, and can adapt it at every step of the way. If you get someone who has expertise in eating disorder recovery, they might know about some of the health issues you ought to work on addressing. If you can get a new doctor, I absolutely would. The root issue here seems to be the stress vomiting, and you absolutely need professionals who will listen to you and take that issue seriously. Both a primary care provider and a mental health counselor might be good resources for helping you take on a multipronged approach to that problem. I'm so sorry you had to experience a doctor who wouldn't listen to you.

I understand your need to binge while you feel able to eat to get your body weight up. Do be aware that by prolonging this pattern, you may be ingraining the binge-restrict pattern more deeply into your body and mind. This is typically a pattern with people who are trying to restrict deliberately, as their bodies get more and more desperate and then when they do allow themselves to eat, they get out of control. It sounds like your body is creating a similar response because when you're depressed it knows you can reliably keep food down. But unfortunately ingraining this cycle into your body may cause long-term health issues too.

It must be so tempting to continue the cycle of overeating since it seems like a way to kill two birds with one stone. It balances out the times you can't keep food down and regulates your weight, and the dopamine from the binge gives you an easy boost out of the depression. But binge eating isn't a depression cure, especially not as it sinks into a pattern, and you said yourself you've noticed you include eating foods that make you feel crappy because you literally don't care. This is not helping you fix your relationship with food, I'm guessing. And it also won't help you learn to work through depression in a healthy way. Doctors and counselors might be able to help you with that and anxiety too, which I bet would help your relationship with food as well.

For the short term, do what keeps you alive and keep eating what you can when you can. But make sure you immediately prioritize accessing resources that will help you to break this cycle. If you're not finding the right doctors or counselors, switch. I know it's hard. I know it's a daunting process. But you've got to invest in you if you can. Be compassionate with yourself if you have setbacks, because it sounds like life has really been walloping you with obstacles and you've got to keep in mind that no one copes perfectly with circumstances like that. I hope things get better for you in spite of the many obstacles that have been thrown your way.

#ed recovery #binge eating disorder #binge eating #depression #anxiety #medical gaslighting #vomit cw #vomit mention #chronic illness

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behindthewox · 3 months

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Demographics and norm divergence

Disclaimers: I don't have any statistics, only assumptions and rough estimates based on experience and a familiarity with the demographic. If there are statistics and numbers somewhere I'd be very interested to see them and have other people explain the parts that I, who considers numbers a nemesis, cannot make sense of on my own. Am I ruining my own credibility here? Probably.

I'm not really an academic and my main credit is life experience as an observer and overthinker. All of this is based on impressions, a bit of guesswork and rough estimates based on the parts of the WoX community I'm the most familiar with.

"Norm divergent" is the most neutral term I can come up with, and to differ from a norm is NOT a bad thing. Different doesn't automatically mean wrong, flawed or bad, it just means different and it's part of nature's design for a reason.

O o O o O o O

One thing I've thought a lot about is the demography of WoX, and I've reached a few conclusions that I think are worth sharing.

The most obvious thing that all WoX users have in common is that they are users of one, or more, WoX sites. But if you look underneath that surface you'll probably find that they have far more traits in common. Everyone will not have every trait, but I think almost every user can tick off at least 4 of the 8 boxes below:

belongs to the fandom the site is based around (i.e. enjoys fiction)

enjoys creative writing

communicates (more or less) fluently in the language of the site they're on

has an interest or need for escaping reality for a while

has an interest or need for a community/fandom of their interests

has an interest or need to find likeminded people

has an interest or need to belong

falls in the range of ages 13-25

These traits are all traits that often coincide with not fitting into certain aspects of societal norms. There's a long list of normative traits that you can differ from but among them is sexual orientation, gender identity, mental health, physical health, and ability/disability. To this we can also add living situation, family dynamics and other external factors that may contribute to feelings of being different and/or excluded.

I think it's pretty safe to assume that the WoX community has a high percentage of "norm divergents" and site leaders need to take that into account. They're likely to have to deal with people of all backgrounds and varying differences, including mental health and disabilities, and that can be difficult. It takes a lot of empathy, maturity, humility and an open mind to achieve the best possible outcomes. Most importantly: it requires awareness and familiarity with norm divergence.

Norm divergence in the age range 13-25 often contribute to mental health issues and lowered self esteem. In today's society that's a massive problem and like I said, WoX probably has a relatively high percentage of users like this. They are all a bit more vulnerable than the normative human being, and some of them are extremely vulnerable. It's important to give them a safe place to hang out and feel included. That's what many of them are looking for and since they make up a large portion of WoX users it only makes sense to make an effort to try and provide that.

Considering that WoX sites are directly targeted towards an audience with the traits listed above I'd expect to see some effort put into making WoX a safe space for these users, including the more vulnerable users who could be seriously harmed if no one looks out for them and speaks up for them when they don't have the means to speak up for themselves. There also has to be people who speak up in cases of discrimination like racism and sexual orientation, and the site rules should make it very clear what counts as discrimination and that it's not allowed in any shape or form.

In a perfect setting there would be some sort of site counsellors who keep an eye out for potential concerns and can be contacted by users who may need additional support. But this wouldn't be a job you can give to just anyone, and that makes it tricky to implement as a system. Not only would you need to know what you're looking for in a person to fill this role, you'd need to find the right person for the job too. It'd also have be a position with authority in the highest ranks (mugwumps + Dan) as well to ensure that the leadership acts with the respect that is the keystone to a good community. In an online community that actively attracts norm divergent and vulnerable users it's especially important that the leaders act with care and respect.

There's much more to be said but that's where I'll end this post, I think. I'll sign off with a quote that makes for a very good rule in life:

"If you can, help others; if you cannot do that, at least do not harm them." - Dalai Lama

#wox #wox site

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instantartific · 2 years

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ও Neon J Headcanons

Ooh, I got a dollar in my pocket! // So, turn the music up and get it poppin'!

I'm tryna have some fun before I die slow- // So, all that really matters is tonight!~

♡

Note: the majority of these headcanons have to do with Neon being disabled one way or another, but some delve into the results of his (unresolved) trauma in the war, including phantom pain to poor mental health.

Neon isn't actually his name. It's what he was referred to back when he was a soldier. Out of respect to his brothers, he keeps the nickname alive. "J" is just his middle initial. Anyone who knew his actual name from him directly is long dead or plain ol' gone. A background check isn't exactly that difficult to work out, though, seeing the, er... y'know. Every surgery.

While his radar is definitely better than nothing, it isn't exactly great. His ability to actually see detail in anything he looks at depends greatly on how far out the signal is being sent and how he personally feels that day.

On a good day, he can actually somewhat see the outlines of the pens and papers lying on his desk, and can even write if he feels like it. On a bad day, it's almost completely dark and all he can tell is that he's facing a solid roughly shorter than his waist.

That being said, what is shown on his display isn't exactly what he's seeing. It's his interpretation of the information that he's gathering from the environment around him. People can completely disappear from his vision while still being close enough to be 'seen'; on the flip side, people can show up on his radar that don't actually exist.

He surprisingly relies on hearing a lot. He can track and identify people from how fast they walk, how they carry their weight, if they drag their feet, all before they start talking. He's around 1010 enough that he can identify them by walk alone.

Let alone having to rely solely on tone to identify emotion.

Memorization is essentially key in every aspect of his life. Which is a big reason why touching shit without asking, AND not putting it back where he knows it is? Single easiest way to royally piss him off, obviously outside of insulting his kids. Insulting his kids is the fastest way to make a very, very strong enemy.

Second easiest way is stairs. Goddamn stairs. Rin or one of the other boys have to help him with any set of stairs outside of the ones in the mansion. They announce when he's coming up to a set of stairs, count his steps, and announce when he's on solid ground. He has eaten shit cause of foreign sets of stairs so many times.

Outside of the boys, he uses a retractable walking cane to get around areas he's unfamiliar with, or if there's just too many people around in general. While his focus is directed on people moving around him, the cane keeps him from walking into things lower than his focus is set.

This cane is also 100% used as an impromptu weapon, if the need be. If you really think he's afraid to hurt someone just because he's trying to change now, you'll be solely mistaken. He's just much less trigger happy these days and would never cause harm for no reason. Self defense for himself or anyone he cares about does not count towards this.

He has absolutely caught one of the boys slipping and calling him 'Captain Whack-a-Mole'. He appreciated the effort to be PG.

He experiences phantom limb almost constantly. This usually isn't an issue, but if he's really out of it, he'll forget to actually move his physical body (swearing up and down that he moved his, well- original one instead. The sensation of moving his nerves is still very much there, and it's different from the sensation of moving the mech.)

He's not foreign to experiencing phantom pain from this as well. And with the inability to take any "pain killers", placebo or otherwise, he simply has to go through the torture with little to nothing to alleviate it outside of putting pressure on the area.

The more the phantom limb acts up, the more likely he is to be seen limping or using the cane to walk rather than feel where he's going. He makes an effort to keep it as subtle as he can, but there's only so much he can hide without being able to see what it looks like.

He wears two rings on his right hand: one black band on the pointer, and one gold band on the ring. Both simple, both relatively unassuming. But if he feels alright, he'll share that the gold band was his father's promise ring to his mother. And the black one is one in mourning them both. What can he say, he's sentimental.

He never really received help after the war, actually. He was primarily on his own. Just dumped off after his entire life had been stripped of him. That's the main reason why he chose to start repurposing those war bots. He'd never say this out loud, but he... initially just wanted someone to talk to again.

He considers himself to be anything but a good man, and will get uncomfortable if called anything like a hero. He feels that he's done a lot of bad things, and he now wants to improve himself and do better as a person, but he still holds a lot of past guilt.

And hearing distorted, off-sounding voices were easier than organic ones for a long time, even if they couldn't put up good conversation. At first, that is. Over time, though, he found that they were capable of far more than he first expected. And damn him for being sentimental, but he got attached.

He would have performed his own music himself, if it wasn't for the fact that being recorded (and not knowing who does and doesn't know what) makes him extremely paranoid. He's anything but shy, and certainly knows what he's doing, he just hates the thought of someone being able to see him without him knowing.

His greatest guilt and greatest regret is unintentionally programming 1010 to care more about their fans' love than their own lives.

#this is basically just 'write neon as disabled' propaganda and i stand by that #also officially calling him captain whack a hoe because of the cane thing #ও ~ headcanons #neon j #nsr neon j #nsr #no straight roads #i can probably even come up with more i just figured this post is long enough and i needed to Stop.#ও ~ writing

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fuck-your-proana-blog · 5 months

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Hello, same anon here as the previous anon, god, thank you so much, I am so screenshotting your reply. I already try my best not to end up on ana tags, it's a last resort, but every other day my mental health gets so bad I just need something, anything to distract myself and I don't have close friends I could vent to, and that's the only other thing I can think of. Plus at least sweetspos are nice and understanding, and I don't usually,,,get that from anyone, so yeah. I am already supposed to get some sort of social anxiety treatment, but they're extremely inefficient and slow with it. And they just shrugged when I told them I wanna kms. I thought I'll just throw whatever destructive coping mechanism at that, and when I no longer wanna die, I'll fix them, but now my hair is starting to fall out (I think. Unsure though.) and I am not better at all. And two people I used to be close friends with had restrictive EDs, and I guess this is my way of feeling close to them. And I'm turning 18 later this year, and that feels scary as fuck, and I thought if I lose stupid amounts of weight I can at least look childish. Okay, sorry, at this point I am just rambling, but I've been keeping this to myself for what feels like ages. Anyways. Thank you again for your reply so sosososo so much. It helped a lot.

I'm glad my response helped and I'm proud of you for working towards health. I distracted myself from my abusive childhood experiences (C-PTSD stuff) with weight loss too, and it quickly spiraled into anorexia- and it did the absolute opposite of making me not want to die, so don't convince yourself and ED will improve your life, it never will. I felt like I "deserved" to suffer, that somehow if I suffered enough it would make right what was broken in me. If I could just be "thin enough" it would fix all my problems, so I used behaviors and buried myself in my ED to avoid dealing with the real problems in my life. From what you've said it seems like you're doing the same, so please get help. I don't have any friends either so I come onto Tumblr to vent and find support as well. I know weaning yourself off of harmful tags is difficult, that it feels like a proper distraction from your other suffering, but it will not help. Please believe me, I've been battling these demons for almost 14 years- almost as long as you've been alive- and all it did was waste my life and make me mentally disabled and even more withdrawn from the world- as well as give me countless health problems I will never recover from. I may be in recovery, but my body will never fully recover from the hell anorexia put it through. I lost hair, have multiple damaged organs that require meds and outpatient care frequently, severe GI issues, I almost lost my teeth, needed multiple surgeries, developed osteopenia and had to do PT over and over as I continuously damaged my body with over exercising and starvation. It may feel like a "good" distraction now, but it's not. It will ruin your life more than it already has if you don't get help. I know growing up is hard, but it will only be harder with an ED. Sweeatspos are NOT "nice and understanding," they are another trap for you to fall into created by disgusting pro ana blogs to convince you your life will somehow get better if you get sicker. It won't. Anorexia ruined my life, my body, everything I had. I am just starting to get my life back in my late 30s. You're young; your mind and body can still fully recover if you make the necessary changes now- don't end up like me. Please, get help. I know what it's like to feel like no one cares, especially when you're suicidal, because I've been there. I just got out of the hospital after an attempt in November actually, and as soon as I attempted I got help and went to the hospital because I realized I didn't want to die- I just wanted the pain to stop, and I get the feeling that you're in the same boat. So really harp on your healthcare team about medication, therapy, anything you need to get better. If you feel you'd be safer in a hospital, GO. I've been hospitalized over and over throughout my life when I was most in danger from myself and even if it doesn't "fix" you it will get you more urgent physical and psychiatric attention by a medical team that will take you seriously and keep you safe. Don't wait until you can't fully recover like I did. Get help now, let them all know you're in real danger- it can bring discomfort to truly let people know how badly you're suffering, but you won't regret it. After all my time suffering I finally "came out" about my ED when I was hospitalized the last time to my close family and have only received support and love from doing so. I don't know if that will be your experience as I don't know any about your family, but I know having people irl who know my story has helped me cope, and if you can share your story with those who love you they could help you and support you in regaining your mental and physical health as well.

Your future doesn't have to be full of starving and pain- but you do have to choose, every day, to get better so it won't be!

#anti pro ana #tw ED #tw restrction #tw suicide #tw suicidal ideation #tw anorexia

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