#there's years worth of things piled on top of each other and of them TELLING US so coming right up to the present- THAT'S why

[notjoelmiller]

see you on the other side

MDNI

joel miller x reader summary: You're drifting from Joel, but you promise him you won't leave Boston. Even as things get worse. wordcount: 3k warnings: smut (p-in-v, m-receiving oral), angst, death (non-major characters), violence, injury, mention of alcohol and painkiller consumption a/n: no spoilers as long as you've seen ep1. hope you enjoy <3

Joel never liked Boston. He visited as a boy then again with Sarah. Both times he came to the same conclusion: Texas was home.

Now Boston’s home. Not by choice, certainly. Tommy wanted security and community. He had a pipe dream about a sense of normalcy like before and somehow convinced Joel that a quarantine zone would be worth the trouble.

It was, like Joel predicted, not worth it. 

Add on top of it the chilly winters and gray skies, Joel wanted to up and leave.

You moved in a year after them, in the next door unit in the designated “childless” apartment building– more like a barracks. 

Tommy tried flirting with you the moment he laid eyes on you. Joel was there– standing behind him and rolling his eyes so hard that he nearly missed the way your eyes flickered to his figure in curiosity. Dejected by your rejection, Tommy slips into Joel’s place too soon to notice the bashful smiles you two exchange.

Within a month, a picture of you and him sits on Joel’s fridge.

****

Tommy joins the Fireflies a year after you move in with Joel. Joel can’t understand why. He spends the better part of that winter tormented by migraines as he tries to understand where he went wrong. He hasn’t spoken to his brother in the better part of the season.

He worries for Tommy. He convinces himself that his brother has gone off on a suicide mission. He chest tightens with each step into the town square, convinced his brother’s body will be hanging. Dread of the possibility that he’s spoken his last words to Tommy looms over Joel’s head.

You’re less worried than Joel. You actually talk to Tommy, truly listen to his side of the story without letting rage take over. You become Tommy’s advocate. The Miller’s middleman.

He’s not stupid Joel. You know that.

Try sayin’ that when he gets his neck snapped by FEDRA.

Joel handles his anger– his premature grief –better than most people these days. He talks to you when things get bad, vents until he runs out of energy to talk. It’s usually those nights, when he’s loosened by frustration (and some whiskey), that you have your longest, most heartfelt conversations with the man. It’s during those conversations that your relationship progresses the most, albeit baby steps. They include the nights when he asked you to move in, first told you he cares about you, and told you about his daughter.

You distract him. He spends less time draining his decanter in favor of drowning his woes into you. He wakes you up at night, when the thoughts get too much for him, with a hand trailing up your side and his mouth on your neck.

He takes it slow those nights, on your sides and him behind you. He whispers to you, words emphasized by the slow pistoning of his hips. He thanks you, praises you. He begs you not to leave.

Afterwards, with his seed drying on your skin, his arm tossed over your still-clothed chest, you always tell him you love him. He never says it back.

****

The first time you sneak out, you confess immediately afterwards. Tommy needed help with a job, not for the Fireflies, but one he didn’t trust Joel to act hospitable enough for. You leave in the blanket of night and return before curfew ends, unscathed, but with a look of guilt in your eyes.

The next time you sneak out, you spare the details. Tommy had a job, you say. There’s less guilt in your eyes, especially when you tuck a thick pile of ration cards into the stash.

After the third night you sneak out, Joel accepts it as a routine. He knows not to question a good thing. Ration cards are a blessing, and your work with Tommy keeps the food coming in when Joel’s smuggling falls short.

Things turn after that. The Fireflies pull a stunt. They line up half of a dozen off-duty FEDRA workers in the square and beat them to death. Their blood flows down the street the next morning, leading crowds to the scene. Their bodies are marred, sitting in a pile underneath a messy Firefly, painted on an old brick wall.

They post their manifesto all around town, and for the first and only time in a year, the Miller brothers reunite.

You stand between them, staring down at the bodies collecting flies. The scent of cadaver fills the air, the spread of the scent expedited by the summer sun.

Tommy’s shocked.

Joel tells him, “It’s what you signed up for.” They’re his parting words.

FEDRA leaves the bodies on the street for the day, letting the people of the quarantine zone watch wives and children publicly grieve. It was their way of garnering support, of encouraging compliance. Every sob that echoes through the city is a question.

A mother cries for her son. Is this what you want?

A brother falls to his knees. Does freedom require such violence?

A child learns that their father won’t come home. Shouldn’t the Fireflies pay for what they’ve done?

The Fireflies fail, and their manifesto is ignored. FEDRA increases security within the zone. They crack down on illegal activity, not just the Fireflies. Jobs with Tommy become more risky. More hours go into planning, and execution takes twice the time.

Joel’s smuggling ring comes up with a code, something with decades of music. He refuses to share the details with you. He spends hours at a time sitting at the radio, scouring its stations for any sign of whatever. Some days he completely disappears into it, songs you haven't heard in years filling the apartment as incoming and outgoing signals.

Joel worries. You worry. 

There are hangings in the streets almost every day. It used to just be Fireflies. Now it’s everyone: kids sneaking out past curfew, the elderly pocketing extra ration cards, just about anybody they can deal an infraction to.

One night, when it’s too dark for him to read the vulnerability evident on your face, you tell Joel the truth.

“Tommy’s thinking of leaving.”

Joel scoffs. “That’s a stupid thing to do”

“It’s dangerous here.”

“It’s dangerous out there.”

“Maybe.”

“You’re not thinking of leaving.” 

You’re not thinking of leaving. It’s a statement, so presumptuous it makes you dizzy. But it shouldn’t. He’s right. You’re not thinking of leaving. You couldn’t leave Joel. He’s become a part of you. Leaving him would splinter some vital part of your very soul. It would shatter the pipe-dream of love in this world that you’ve somehow made true.

“I wouldn’t leave you, Joel.”

I can’t leave you, Joel. Not now.

****

He’s awake when you shuffle through the door. You don’t turn on the lights, just stumble through the apartment to the bed. You keep your right leg straight as you lower yourself next to him. Your pants are off already, shucked off by the door, he assumes. A bloody bandage wraps around your knee. It seems to stare back at Joel.

It’s blizzarding out. It’s one of the things he hates most about Boston. The bone-chilling storms that never seem to let up. He wonders if that’s why you’re back so late.

“Rough night?” He asks. You don’t answer.

You speak less these days. He doesn’t raise a fuss because when you do speak, you’re arguing. The two of you dance around each other, pretending like there isn’t an invisible wedge driving itself between you. Intimacy evades you, and your features come to harden more and more each time you sneak in past curfew. There are still peeks though, of that woman who smiled so bashfully at him: the way you smile when he greets you with a kiss, laugh at his dry humor, sigh as he sinks himself into you.

“Been two days,” he says. 

You hum in what Joel assumes is your attempt at a response. Your eyes are closed, that he can make out from the moonlight streaming through the window. You’re breathing heavily, either from frustration or pain from your leg. He selfishly hopes it's the latter.

“You should have left a note.”

“If I knew it’d be long, I would have.” Not an apology.

“You didn’t know?”

You sigh, and for a moment Joel thinks you’re going to ignore him, just turn on your side and fall asleep. But you push back, a warning lilt to your voice, “Things went wrong.” He can hear it between your words, I don’t want to do this right now, Joel.

He wants to stop, roll over and pull you into his arms and pretend like your lives aren’t on the line, like everything’s okay. But he’s worried. “Tommy’s gonna get you killed.”

You sit up, so fast Joel thinks you’re going to knock him off of the bed. There’s a sparkle– no, simmering –in your eyes. “Joel–” You stop yourself, a hand coming to pinch the bridge of your nose.

Silence returns to the apartment. You look older in the low lighting, stress pulling unfavorably on your features. 

Joel knows he should apologize for his roughness, but remorse isn’t something he can find within himself. Apologies come hard these days. He lets his anger, fear, and hurt control him, afraid apologizing would let all those feelings melt away, and leave him with an emptiness and need to face his cruel reality.

“Can we not do this?” You whisper, “Not tonight, please.”

Joel purses his lips, pulling you into his side. You let him hold you, feeling the pulsing of his heart beneath his ribcage.

Your hand slips from his shoulder. Lower– to his ribs. Lower– to the softness of his waist. Lower– to the band of the jeans he fell asleep in. He knows what you want. What you need. Most of your arguments end the same way. One of you stops it early, before things get nasty. There’s no resolution, just anger and hate and energy sitting in the air. It needs to be spent somehow.

But he’s tired. You’ve been gone since yesterday morning, longer than you’ve ever been out. And he was awake, waiting for you to walk through the door, weighing when and where he needed to storm off to find you. Adrenaline has come and gone and turned Joel to a husk.

“Tired, baby,” he mutters, placing his hand over yours.

“No, no,” you whisper, though you stall your movements. “Don’t worry about me, baby. Just let me take care of you.” You look at him expectantly, begging silently.

Joel nods and you send him the most honest-to-god beaming smile he’s ever seen as your hands unbutton his jeans. He’s– shamefully –half-hard by the time you work him out of his jeans, and the way you take his tip into his mouth, hands working the rest of his length, has him solid so fast he’s dizzy.

It’s unceremonious and awkward. You lean over your lap to fit him in your mouth. Your bad leg rests on the ground, straight at the knee. He wants to stop you, tell you to move into a more comfortable position, but then his tip hits the back of his throat and all bets are off. His hands knot in your hair as he groans. 

His length pulses in the wet heat of your mouth. He bites back a curse along with the carnal need to take control, hold your head and just thrust. You’d let him, too. That was the worst part of it. You’d let him just take control and abuse your throat. You’d look up at him with wide eyes, tears building up, maybe they’d spill over. 

You’d let all that happen because you were just so fucking good to him. So he stops you, pulling you off of his length with the hand fisted in your hair. You mewl, looking back at him with confused eyes.

The hand in your hair comes to your chin, bringing your face to him. “Lay back down, baby,” he mutters against your lips.

He doesn’t take off your underwear, just pushes it to the side as he presses a finger to your clit in a languid circling. Your hips chase his touch as best you can, mindful of bandages that seem to have just gotten bloodier over time. 

“Careful,” he tuts, though he allows two fingers to slip into your heat. Soaked.

Joel rolls himself on top of you, and your good leg comes to wrap around him, hugging him close. He wastes no time in sinking into you, starting with a brutal pace.

You entangle yourself in him, reaching to get as much of Joel into your arms as you can. You tangle your hands in your hair, trace the line of his jaw, put a hand to his mouth while he plants a kiss on your palm– you’re trying to get close to him, as much as you can without making the pain in your legs scream even more. 

He wants to tell you he missed you, that he’s worried, but then you flex around him, squeezing around his length. He’s reminded of how positively debauched this all is. The morning. He promises himself he’ll tell you in the morning.

His thrusts get sloppier, its staccato less rhythmic as he reaches his peak. You worked wonders on him with your mouth, and it’s biting him in the ass. The lingering of your touch and sensation of being close to you, after so long, has him fighting the urge to let go.

“Where?” He gasps, hips unrelenting in their assault. Your hands fist in his shirt, nails digging to bite at his skin through the fabric.

“Inside,” you rasp, and he almost finishes at the thought of his cum dripping from your cunt. You’d keep it in, 

“So fucking good to me, baby,” he grunts.

He’s close. You’re close. You’ve given up on biting back your moans– your neighbors be damned. You’ve begun murmuring beneath him, words of admiration he can’t hear with his bad ear, yet you mutter them all the same. You take advantage of these moments to share the most intimate parts of yourself without fear of his cold judgment. The same intimacy he’s never reciprocated.

He spits in his hand and slips it back down to your clit. He circles it once, twice, and you melt. The sensations are too much for you, the drag of his cock, the wetness of him swirling at your clit, his choked moans in your ears– they’re all cruel and make your vision go white.

Your orgasm pushes him over the edge. He curses, a rare sound in your ear, but continues his drilling into your cunt.

“So. Damn. Good.” He punctuates each word with a thrust, pushing his spend deeper into you. You clench around him, a vice-grip emphasizing the way he just fills you.

His cock twitches one last time before he draws himself out. A pear of your mixed release slips out with him. You watch his face as his eyes fix on the drip, as he contemplates it before scooping it up and back into your abused cunt.

He lowers himself unceremoniously back down on the bed. Your eyes aren’t on him anymore. They occupy themselves with the ceiling, glazed over with something akin to coldness. You reach for his hand, though, taking it in yours and pulling it to your chest. He leans into you. The arm over your chest pulls you close, while a thick leg traps you beneath him. His head nuzzles into your neck, breathing in your heady scent.

“I need you,” he mummers into your skin.

“I love you,” you say.

He doesn’t say it back.

Drifting to sleep, Joel hears a sniffle, muffled into the fabric covering his chest. It’s just the cold, he tells himself. You’re sniffling because of the cold.

****

He wakes up alone, head pounding with the beginning aches of a migraine. Not now, please. The last of the painkillers were traded to pay for winter heating in the apartment. The chill still finds its way in the crumbling walls of the building, though. Most days it’s bearable, when he can pull your body up against his. But you’re not here.

It’s dark out, still. There’s no way curfew was up. How much sleep did you even get last night? Did you even sleep?

He calls your name. His voice fills the space. When the sound echoes back to him, something in his stomach curls.

Your boots and bag are gone. In fact, your sneakers are missing from the small line of shoes by the door. 

He takes a moment to ground himself, breathing deeply before the pang in his stomach comes to consume him. Emotions aren’t easy to regulate, not when they come to you. Especially not when you’re out in a blizzard. Injured. And tired.

He goes about his day after that, anxious at your absence, but there was business he needed to tend to. It’s not until dinnertime, when the emptiness in his stomach is too much to ignore, that he discovers it.

The photo on the fridge has been his favorite. Tommy took it with an old polaroid. You’re tucked under Joel’s arm, beaming as he plants a kiss on your cheek. When you’re gone, and Joel’s feeling lonely, it keeps him company. It reminds him of an easier time, when FEDRA wasn’t on your tails. When being together was easier.

The picture is gone, and in its place is a note, scribbled on a single, crumpled piece of paper.

He can’t read the letter– refuses to put himself through loss like that again, even at the cost of closure– but his thumb traces the last line of the note. It’s written in bigger, messier text. He still recognizes it as your own. Perhaps it was an afterthought. Perhaps you didn’t want to be presumptuous, just to disappoint.

See you on the other side.

For the first time since you smiled at him in that hallway, Joel Miller feels alone.

#joel miller x reader #joel x reader #joel miller x y/n #joel miller fanfiction #tlou fanfiction #joel miller x you #joel miller smut

[k9effect]

Currently thinking about how Viper would have handled that first night after the hop 31 accident

Mike stared deep into his coffee with half lidded, glassy eyes. It looked like the dark sea, the froth from the creamer an eerie resemblance of sea foam. For a moment he got lost in it. Imagining what Pete had been through.

"Mike." A gentle and familiar voice pulled him from his thoughts. "You look like shit."

Mike forced a breath out his nose, half-hearted and humourless. He knew how he looked. Dark bags haunting the underside of his eyes. Drowning under the pressure of the piles of paperwork, a destroyed fighter jet, one of his students dead and another under medical surveillance.

So, yeah, he looked like shit.

He scrubbed a hand over his face.

"If you came in here to tell me that, Jes, you should have saved yourself the effort." Viper's voice was gravelly, raw.

Jester closed the door behind him as he stepped into the threshold of Viper's office. He crossed his arms as he leaned back against the door.

"Did you even go home last night?" Rick asked, eyeing the takeaway containers and the empty coffee pot that Mike had been refilling.

Mike dropped his hand to lay his flat palm against the table top.

He shook his head.

He had called Mary close to seven o'clock to tell her that he wouldn't be home until much later. She had called his office at one in the morning asking if he would be home at all. He had said he wasn't sure and next thing he knew she was showing up on base with the leftovers from the previous night in takeaway containers. She sat with him for an hour while he explained everything, even getting her to read over one of his reports as he wasn't exactly trusting his eyes this late at night.

She had tried to get him to come home but he couldn't. He had to be on base in case something happened to Pete. He couldn't leave him.

Instead she opted to curl up on his two seater lounge he had in his office and stay by his side while he worked. She drifted off for a few hours before rousing and pulling him from his desk and to the sofa. Mike managed to get maybe an hour's worth of uncomfortable, fitful sleep before he was waking back up and returning to work. His neck and back were paying the price for the uncomfortable sleeping position.

Mary had left just after six o'clock, needing to be back home to get ready for her own job. She told him that she would be back as soon as she could and to give her updates on 'their boy'.

Pete was always, and continued to be, their boy. Even if he didn't know it.

Something inside Mike had shattered seeing Pete passed out from the adrenaline crash and exhaustion of it all, looking so small in that big hospital bed. Mike's heart broke, knowing that Pete would wake up to a Goose-less world, his best friend ripped from his life. He knew that feeling all too well. He wishes he could have protected Pete from this fate. It was a tough fate.

He knew Pete wasn't at fault for the crash, anyone with a brain could see that. But the Navy had it out for Pete, all because of his father and his sacrifice.

So, if Mike doctored the reports just a little to swing the odds more in Maverick's favour -to keep him in a cockpit, where he belongs - it was no one's business but his.

"He'll be okay." Jester reassured. "I know we… we lost Goose. But Maverick. He's going to pull through. He'll be okay, Mike."

Viper breathed through his nose deeply.

"I almost lost him too… I promised his dad I'd take care of him." Mike grimaced at the memory of Duke Mitchell and the drunken night all those years ago where they promised to take care of each other's families if anything happened to the other. He had tried his best to stick to that promise. Had helped Rosie Mitchell when her grief was too much and she couldn't provide for herself, let alone her six year old son. He helped put Pete through school so she could save what money Duke had left them. But inevitable, Rosie joined Duke far too soon and Mike was helpless when they took Pete away. "I've done a pretty shit job of it."

"How about we go see him. Nurse said he was starting to wake up." Jester offered.

Mike nodded.

Yes, seeing him would help ease the quaking in his heart.

#sam writes #sam drabbles #top gun #top gun 1986 #vipapa #viper #mike viper metcalf #mike metcalf #maverick #pete maverick mitchell #pete mitchell #fanfiction #top gun fanfic #top gun fanfiction

[stopthatnel]

cherries (part two)

cw: dubcon, rough play, dirty talk, oral (female receiving).

sn: i know some of the things said in this are just... well... brb imagining a part three. as usual, minors do not fucking interact.

i wrote this while listening to sleep token's, sugar. think hozier but metal and also with extra magical abilities to immediately make you go feral. also happy new year! 🩷

s: nanami was chivirlous enough to get you there, but who was going to make sure you kept coming back? wc: 2.5k

i haven’t been able to meet his gaze since that night. in my mind, there was always something else to do, far away from him and his knowing eyes. i’m sure he’s confused, from being in each others business everyday to suddenly barely speaking unless absolutely necessary. but it’s not that i don’t want to talk to him, but how can i look him in the eye and hold a conversation when all i can think about is how he defied all my expectations? nanami had me in the palm of his hand, and i’m positive he knows that.

“are you avoiding me?” he asks me. i jump, startled by his sudden presence. i swivel my chair back to face him, briefly meeting his stare before turning back to my desk.

“no nanami. i am not avoiding you.” i lied between my teeth. the office i sat in immediately became much more interesting than any words i could’ve strung together. i never noticed that the clock was crooked. i’ll have to make sure i fix it before i leave. “liar.” he checks me.

i sigh.

“was it something i did?”

of course not. i struggled with my mind for the words to tell him that it was me, but everything sounded so damn cliche. in all honesty, it was me. i’m avoiding him because of how vulnerable i felt. i felt the man reach into my body and touch my soul in a way i’ve never experienced before, it scared me.

“no.” i reply curtly. i shuffle through the papers on my desk, putting them into piles and straightening them out. “is that all?” i ached for him to leave, to give me some more time to process my fears, to understand them in just the slightest. but he doesn’t.

nanami closes my office door and a quick click bounced off the silence. “what are you doing?” i ask, turning my chair to face him, watching cautiously as he comes back to my desk. he pulls along a chair and sits in front of me, wordlessly.

“i said, what are you doing?”

i wasn’t sure what was driving me the crazier, the obnoxious ticking from that damn clock, or how his brown eyes stared down at me in contemplation. through them, i felt myself become weak. time slowed down my ability to think, to breathe. i was drowning in caution and anticipation, too aware for my own good.

i’m sure i know what he’s thinking, i’m being weird, putting a boundary between our friendship because we hooked up.

i am.

but it didn't feel like just a hookup. he told me to feel, and god did that feel like something more. it felt like years worth of passion, like all my doubts were something he could pick up with one finger and discard with ease. did he mean to do that? to make me feel like that? to throw me out of whack whenever he was remotely visible to me?

“this is a twisted game you’re playing with me, (y/n).” there was a strain in his voice that you could easily miss, like he wasn’t saying what was truly on his mind. “but i’ve known you long enough to guess that part of you enjoys this game.” my eyebrows perk up at his words, the trance i was in suddenly shattering like a mirror.

“what the fuck does that even mean?” i spit, a bit harsher than i intended. he tilts his head to the side, pushing his glasses on top of his hair. his eyes narrow at me, a hint of surprise dancing behind them. his movements are quick, pulling my chair from underneath and dragging me toward him. as much as i hated to admit it, i squeaked when i felt his knees hit the edge of my chair. my knees were on either side of his, i was almost embarrassed.

“you want to complicate this. you want to ruin this before it ruins you. but i won’t let you do that, not to me.”

not to him? “i don’t do that.” solely because in the past, there was nothing to complicate in the first place. in the present however, my best friend is adamant i give in to something that's new to me. “you do baby, and it's okay. but not when it’s me, not when i’ve developed a taste for you. i can’t let you take that away from me.” it’s not until i'm walking home do i realize that i’ve figured it out. it’s his words that put me in those trances.

i’m staring at his text as i open the door to my apartment. i’m staring at his text as i take off my shoes. my keys never made it to its post because i couldn’t take my eyes off his text.

N: let’s talk it out. i already let myself in.

i’m not sure what feelings swirled around in my gut but they were heavy. they were heavy enough to keep my feet planted on the ground, staring at nanami who’d made himself comfortable on my couch. “what is there to talk about?” i manage, forgoing my hello’s. nanami turns his head to face me, a gentle smile resting on his lips. “welcome home, come sit next to me.”

i don’t find it in me to move from my spot, wanting answers.

“what do you mean by ‘taking’ whatever ‘this’ is away from you? what even is ‘this’?” my questions come out quicker than i thought it would, and nanami throws my first question back in my face. “i thought you said there was nothing to talk about?” i sigh, growing exhausted. my feet drag me over to the couch, instinctively plopping down next to him.

maybe he was right, i was complicating things too much. we both had fun, we both enjoyed it, so why ignore it? in fact, maybe i shouldn’t be pushing this away at all, he was the only one that took his time, didn’t get frustrated with me, didn’t get too excited, talked me through it. and it seemed like he enjoyed it too, not just the sex but fulfilling me. it’s the ‘what if’ that’s holding me back, but i could hear him out.

“talk to me.” i say, ready for whatever he was about to throw at me.

“‘this’ is us. you’re pulling away from me. we have never been like that, why start now?” nanami’s words are fluid, as he speaks, his hands reaching over to pull my jacket down my shoulders. i allow myself to join his lucidity, pulling my arms out of the fabric and laying it over the arm rest. he keeps his hands on me, placing them on my knees and rubbing soothing circles over the skin. “we go together, that night was just the cherry on top. you think it’s too much? we won’t put a name on it. you think it’ll disappear? i won't let go. but if you don’t want this, i’ll back away. you just need to tell me.”

my silence was deafening as i watched the way his hands trailed up to the hem of my skirt, his fingers dancing underneath the fabric. my breathing was shallow against his touch, his fingers almost too hot to bear on my skin. they were options, each one addressing a different ‘what if’ inside my head and the only one i disagreed with was him backing away. all i had to do was tell him.

i don’t want to tell him to back away, i want this. i know i do. i know it in the way i allow him to reach farther up into my skirt, pulling my thighs apart and kneading the supple flesh between his palms. i was back in the palm of his hand except this time, i knew what to expect. there wouldn’t be any coaxing necessary, any dubious thoughts behind whether or not he was truly a man of his word could be thrown away along with the rest of them; because this time, i knew for sure.

and he knew as well. bringing himself to his knees on the very ground beneath me like he was a sinner and i was his god. it would be a greater sin to turn away his worship, his lips pressed against the top of my thighs, without any rhyme or reason. his fingers laced themselves underneath my underwear, playing tug of war with my conscience and will. for a moment, he paused to look up at me, no doubt a light bulb going off in his head.

“do you want me to take it?” he asks. i struggled with the words in my mind, let alone in my mouth but the way heat rushed through my body said more than i needed to know. i couldn’t make a sound, allowing myself to answer him with a simple nod of my head. his gentle touch turned rough, pulling me to the edge of the cushion and pushing my body down onto the couch. “you want me to take it because you don’t want to burden the responsibility of how this ends. but i need you,” he grunts, popping the buttons off my blouse and taking my still clad breast into his hand. “to understand that as long as it’s within my power, you are not going anywhere.” his free hand grabs my chin and forces our eyes to meet, a grin eating away at his lips. “if this will help me get to where i want us to be,”

he delivers a harsh squeeze to my bosom, “then i will take, and take, and take until you realize you can do nothing else but give.” a sigh falls from my lips when he presses against my clit through my panties, closing my eyes as flashbacks of him taking, ripping waves of pleasure through my body. he was right, if he needed me as bad as he says he’s going to have to pry the uncertainty out of my body, which clearly proves to be no issue to him.

“at the end of the day, princess, you’re going to live with the way i’ll make you crave me. i’ll make sure that every time you reach into the back of your underwear drawer you hesitate. you’ll reach for your phone and call me, and each time you call i’ll be at your heels, i’ll be in between your thighs making mess out of this pussy.” his words went to my core, heat rushed to my face when he pulls my panties down, seeing the mess he made. “but it seems like you have no problem doing that already. you want this as much as i do, and i’ll get those exact words out of you, in that order.”

i stifle a whimper when he dips his head down between my legs, kissing my lips and digging his tongue between them. i couldn’t bring myself to look at him still, but faulted back to his words last time.

“i don’t want you to focus on looking, i need you to focus on feeling.”

so i let myself feel again, i let him make his assaults on my cunt, twitching and grinding into him, giving him my body even though i was desperate for him to take. he held me down against the plush fabric underneath me, claiming his power over me. i didn’t want to argue anymore. i wanted him to give me every reason to shut up and the cries i was stifling only had one solution, his hand. i take his wrist between my fingers, dragging it up to my mouth and then i look down.

he was so beautiful, amber eyes almost on fire, brows pursed together as he peers at me from under them. i didn’t have to see his lips to guess that they were coated in my slick, plump and pink as always. and even though his hand sat loosely on my mouth, i pressed up against it as i cried, wave after wave of pleasure coursing through my veins in a way i couldn’t imagine without him present.

he pulls me from my bliss, wedging himself between my thighs and i can’t get enough of his cock; how it feels inside me, on me, rubbing between my folds and pressing onto my clit. the sounds of his breathy moans only heightened my sensitivity to everything around me, i didn’t have to move a muscle to please him the way he pleased me. it felt so gratifying, feeling like all i needed to bring to the table was plain and simple, myself. for a moment, his passion and determination was clear to me; watching the way he threw his head back as he bottomed out in my cunt, it all was so clear. he wasn’t going to let up, and i had no intention of allowing him to.

“k-kento,” i sound pathetic, whimpering his name and digging my nails into his hips. “harder.” my request seemed to light a new fire in him, and he’s smirking to himself. “yeah?” slowly, i begin to lose my grip. he’s hissing between his teeth as he grabs onto my waist, holding me still against his thrusts. as enveloped in pleasure as i was, i can’t help but watch him; from the rise and fall of his chest, the way his shoulders shudder when he goes in deep enough to have me clenching around him, and more importantly, the way his tongue runs over his lips, probably still tasting my climax from earlier.

“kiss me kento.” and he complies, moving his hands underneath me and pulling me up, enveloping my lips with his. he sucks and nibbles at my bottom lip and when our tongues finally introduce themselves to each other, i can’t help but to moan into his mouth. he rests his forehead against mine briefly, as if to catch his breath and he’s back to exploring my mouth again. i was coming quicker than i could have realized it, my jaw going slack and my eyes squeezing shut.

he hugged me as i came, stilling himself in me and holding me close to his chest. for once, this didn’t feel claustrophobic. it was like the world had suddenly stilled and all i could hear was his heart thumping against his chest. in that moment, i couldn’t be bothered with how tightly i held him. he was an anchor and i was a balloon too ambitious for my own good. i could’ve given him anything he asked for and as the ringing subsided in my ears, he only asked for one thing.

“let me take care of you.”

where's the rest of your work?

#jjk smut #jjk x you #nanami x reader #nanami smut #nanami x you #kento smut #nanami kento #jjk kento #kento x reader

[perhaps-in-anotherdream]

I apologize for asking, but I felt curious after seeing your tweet about the new main story update and you are the only person that I know keeping tabs on main story. Are all of the new chapters update lately has been disappointing?

I just finished S1 and was contemplating whether to proceed with S2. However, if it means the story will revolve around a repetitive cycle of the MLs, ESPECIALLY Victor sacrificing themselves, I'm not sure if it's worth continuing... Thank you for answering.

there’s no need to apologize haha. first and foremost, i don’t wish to discourage anyone, so please go ahead and explore the story at your own pace b/c we all have our preferences, and you might end up with completely different impressions than me. and regarding the newest release of CH 49-52, as i mentioned in my tweets, i still need to sit down and read “read” before making final verdicts on the update haha~ 🏳️

secondly, i do feel it’s worth mentioning, with the things currently happening in my real life and gaining clearer and newer perspective of my preferences might have been affecting the way i’m interacting with my fictions to some extent LOL. however, i’ll say this: in essence, Lovepro main story is all about the men exhausting themselves to uphold their 初心 (whether white/gray) and the writers throwing their characters into new and deeper pitfalls (whether it’s a disease/ moral dilemma/ or just pure angst LOL)— and then you have Li Zeyan, who is almost always put at the pointy edge of the knife each time at the climax. 

so, it happens the first time, you’re ripping your shirt, screaming, and wailing at the top of your lungs. the second, third, fourth time, you’re repeating those reactions + staring into space in the middle of the night. but after that, it’s just a transition from “okay, what’s next?” to “meh, well that exists” you know? i still remember how i bawled over the main story even last year around this time, but now i’m just numb lol, despite the stakes being so much higher. it’s difficult to be excited about something when you know it’s just another way of selling you the same story in different wrappings and milking off the loyal consumers. but regarding the writing teams, among the 5 men, 2 of them have god-tier writing teams, and they are consistent in that tier. the other 3 men have decent to well-rounded tier writing teams, and they are consistent in that tier. so i’ll give Paper this; they’ve won with their writers and the writers are doing their best within the scope they’re given, with some slip-ups once in a while, which is not unexpected. i am still very appreciative of that, but what i have issues with is the story telling direction, the repetitive cycles, making bigger messes than before to get out of the current one and resulting in an even bigger mess, dragging something that was “extraordinary” to “eh, well it is what it is” just to keep the story running. 

while i’m aware it’s just wishful thinking when we are about to celebrate the 6th anniv. soon LOL and Lovepro main story is on the story-driven side and is more or less mindful of the 端水 treatment, but i do strongly feel that the story could have been so much more exciting if it was a little more character-driven, where we wouldn’t just leave the characters hanging and do a hasty conclusion just b/c the allocated chapter time is over, but actually invest in taking apart each segment of the characters and give ourselves the time to get deeper into the roots. no, don’t just shove more problems at my face on top of the already piled up unsolved and undealt ones i have just b/c you need something “new”— and i’m afraid this is where my patience with the main story is alarmingly wearing thin :>

—

#ask #bowing down to Li Zeyan’s writers in any case. Y'ALL ARE MY GODS lmao #mlqc #mr love queen's choice #恋与制作人 #love and producer

[ijustloveharry]

Prompt ; "Hii can you write Harry styles × sister where she is younger than him and feels like he is neglecting her and favouring her twin more and also she is bullied at school . Something angsty with a happy ending." / 4.8k words / platonic anst & fluff & sibling stuff

Requests are open.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Harry loved his sisters, and he'd do anything for them.

Gemma was older; she could take care of herself but Harry still felt responsible for her wellbeing.

Natalie and Gwen were a year younger, and Harry felt even more pressure to make sure nothing happened to them.

They didn't attend the same school as him this year, Harry had just graduated and was off to college. He stayed in town in case his mum and sisters needed anything.

Natalie got a boyfriend over the summer - and Harry wasted no time making sure to check if he was worth her time. He was. Harry and Jason got along pretty well and after getting his seal of approval, Gwen felt Natalie bonded with Harry in a way Gwen never got to.

Gwen loved her older brother. She loved her sister. But she always felt second best to everyone in their family; she didn't have any special people to bring home, she didn't have any major hobbies or extra curriculars. She did okay in school and worked a weekend job at the bowling alley.

Harry came with his friends most Saturdays - Gwen loved that he would visit her at work and grill her coworkers about her life and how well she was doing. She didn't have anyone to go out with on the weekend so seeing Harry and his friends made her feel like she was a part of something.

Until Natalie and Jason started getting invited.

Gwen didnt want to be petty. She couldn't come right out and tell Natalie that it was her and Harry's thing and that maybe she could just fuck off for once in her life. Natalie and Gwen loved each other but they were "much too different to hang out together all the time."

I guess Harry and Natalie weren't too different to hang out as friends, though.

Gwen began to dread Saturday nights, She even tried to switch to the morning shift, but no one wants to work Saturday nights. They all have plans with their friends.

Like clockwork, they rolled in around 830pm. Gwen always had a lane reserved for them, and bowling shoes ready. Harry always came early to make sure she was having a good shift before his friends showed up.

The last couple weeks, though, Natalie and Jason had arrived first. Natalie didn't talk to Gwen, avoided her almost, and by the time Harry showed up they were all eager to start their game.

Gwen hated Natalie for that. She didn't say anything, though. She just shut up and kept working.

When they were finished with their rounds, the group piled to the counter to drop off the shoes they had just finished with. They were discussing an upcoming party, and Gwen tried to tune out so she didn't feel too horrible about not being in invited. Harry noticed she was checked out.

"Hey, you okay?" He asked. Gwen shrugged.

"You guys should come on Saturday - a couple guys girlfriends are your age so it'll be good. I think it's at Bryan's - let me check the texts"

"I'll be there. But I dunno why you bother with her, Harry, she's not going to want to go to a party"

"Sure I do." Gwen said swiftly "Why wouldn't I?"

"Oh, it's just, who would you hang out with?"

Harry looked at Natalie puzzled, before turning back to Gwen "It's at Bryan's, 11pm. I'll bring you guys some booze."

Natalie didn't get Jason to give Gwen a ride. She said they wanted to hang out just the two of them before heading over. Gwen opted to take the bus. She bought a new outfit, she thought she looked pretty cute. The top was a bit smaller than what she'd usually wear, but that didn't bother her for once. She felt good; she looked good. And she wanted to meet people and her usual clothes weren't prepared for this kind of social interaction.

Gwen brought a bottle of vodka. She had gotten it from their aunt years back and never had anyone to drink it with. She was in twelfth grade, she decided she didn't need anyone to share vodka with.

"Hey - I told you I was gonna get the liquor." Harry teased, He was not impressed with his sister's low cut shirt but decided to leave it.

"Where'd you even get that, anyway?" Natalie asked. Of course she was already here.

Gwen chose to ignore her and headed towards the kitchen. She placed the bottle in the sea of others and mixed herself a drink. She didn't know what she was doing but she figured confidence was key.

It wasn't. She was sure she had never had anything that tasted worse, and she stood in the kitchen until she finished her drink to try again for round 2. It was just as bad.

"Damn, looking to get fucked up?"

Gwen stopped pouring the clear liquid, turning to the source of the voice. She didn't think she had ever met this guy before.

"Steve" he introduced

"Gwen" She smiled.

"Let me show you" Steve offered, using a shot glass to measure the amount of alcohol for the drink. "Two shots is usually more than enough"

"Oh, I put way more than that"

"I saw." Steve laughed "Wasn't sure if you just liked your liquor."

"Not a big drinker" Gwen admitted

"Not yet" He winked, clinking his cup against hers.

"Harry's sister?" Steve asked her

'Yeah, how'd you know?"

"I dunno. Similar vibe."

Gwen wondered what that meant, but decided not to ask. Harry had a good vibe, she thought.

"I think they're playing never have I ever in the living room if you want to mingle"

"Sure" Gwen shrugged. She didn't really know what people were 'supposed' to do at parties.

"Can we join?" Gwen asked, piping up when they entered the circle

"Gwen - you've never done anything, so I'm not sure you'll get much out of this game." Natalie giggled, rolling closer to Jason. Gwen's grip tightened around her cup.

"Never have I ever.... fucked in a car"

Most people drank, including Natalie, but Gwen wasn't embarrassed that she hadn't had sex. She was 17, she was fine.

They went around the circle, and Gwen was starting to get a bit sweaty. She hadn't drank once yet.

"Never have I ever.... kissed someone in public"

Gwen decided to drink. It wasn't really true, but I mean - she had kissed her relatives on the cheeks and that counted enough for her topsy state.

"C'mon, you know she's lying." Natalie mocked, pointing directly at Gwen "The past five minutes is the most attention she's ever gotten in her life."

It was that moment Gwen decided to leave the game and head back to the kitchen.

"You're such a bitch, you know that Natalie? Why do you always have to make everything worse?" Harry's voice could be heard, Gwen tried not to care about any of it.

The colour in Natalie's face drained, clearly not expecting her brother to scold her in front of a room of college freshman.

"Let me, man. Enjoy yourself." Steve smiled. Harry didn't like that.

"All good - seriously, all good." Harry threatened.

"Hey, are you okay?" Her brother asked, joining her in the kitchen.

"Yeah, I'm good." She smiled. Honestly, she was good. Those drinks she had were pretty strong.

"Don't listen to her, she's just going through it-"

"I don't give a fuck about Natalie, Harry." Gwen interrupted, finishing off her drink "She's always like that."

Harry was surprised to hear that. "What do you mean?"

"I mean she goes out of her way to make sure people don't want anything to do with me. It's fucking weird, but I'm used to it. I don't know what her problem is and I don't give a fuck."

Gwen poured herself another drink and Harry eyed her skeptically. He wondered how much she'd had.

"Jesus - I'm fine." She said. She wasn't fine. She was drunk.

"Uh huh." Harry wasn't convinced.

"Thought this was a party" She mumbled, finishing mixing up her drink the way Steve taught her. "What do you know about Steve?"

"Don't talk to Steve." Harry said simply. He didn't elaborate.

"O-kay." She smiled "Who should I talk to them?"

"No one. This was a mistake."

That pissed Gwen off. "What the fuck is that supposed to mean?"

"It means I thought you were gonna wear a cardigan or some shit not come here looking like you're trying to get laid."

Gwen raised her eyebrows at her brother.

"I'm not.. trying to get laid, Jesus. Does it look that bad? Should I change?"

Harry realized his mistake, and cursed himself for commenting on her appearance at all.

"No - God, no. I've just never seen you dress like that, is'all."

"Maybe I should more often" She smirked, grabbing two clean shot glasses from the stack. "Now do a shot with your baby sister?"

Harry chuckled, he didn't want to condone her drinking any further but he also wanted to give her room to be a teenager. He was still a teenager himself and he needed to remember that.

"Sure."

He watched as Gwen poured the liquor into the small glasses, clinking them before they shot it back. Gwen winced. That was the worst.

"Harry, I'm not really feeling well. I think I might need a ride home." Natalie was standing at the kitchen door; she looked absolutely fine, for the record.

"Guess it pays not to drink so much in never have I ever." Gwen mumbled. Harry caught it but he refrained from chuckling at her remark.

"I thought Jason was driving you?" He said simply, He'd just started drinking. He didn't want to leave.

"He wants to stay" Natalie pouted "Please? I wouldnt ask if I didn't have to"

Harry cursed to himself and agreed, heading to the door to find his keys and jacket.

"Shotgun." Natalie smirked to her sister

"I'm not gonna go just cuz you are." Gwen said simply, glancing through the different types of alcohol on display. "Have fun at home though."

Natalie was about to protest, but Harry came back and wiggled the keys at her.

"Ready?"

"Gwen says she's not coming, I can just wait until she's ready to go." Natalie said, sighing "Annoying but I'll be okay"

"All good. She can cab home with me later. Tell Jason he's a dick for me."

Gwen saluted them goodbye, and was left alone in the kitchen again. She decided to explore.

"Hey, I'm Gwen. How do you guys know Bryan?"

The group stopped their conversation, huddled around the fire in the backyard. They were passing around a joint, Gwen assumed before walking up, and she figured they would be the most open to meeting someone new.

"Econ." One guy finally said "You're Harry's sister?"

"Yeah." She shifted. She wondered how they knew Harry.

"You must be the hot one, right? I heard one of the twins was smokin and the other one was a total loser. Must be glad you're not your sister."

Gwen shuffled uncomfortably. Did Harry say that?

"Unfortunately I think I might be the loser." She joked. "Glad I can pass as Natalie though."

"Yikes, my bad. Jason was telling everyone that, I didn't realize the other sister was even here. Want a hit?"

Gwen hesitated before taking the lit joint, inhaling the smoke way too much. She coughed slightly, but suppressed it enough to play it cool.

"First time smoking weed?" The girl next to her asked "Hey, sit down."

She shuffled over slightly and Gwen found a seat next to her.

"I'm Carmen, this is Zack. The asshole, over there, is Dex. Don't listen to him."

"Yeah my bad." He interjected "You definitely look like the hot one."

Gwen smiled to herself at that, proud she went out of her comfort zone. The shirt showed a lot more chest than what she usually opted for so she was happy to hear it was paying off.

"You're in grade twelve, right? Do you know what you want to do when you graduate?" Carmen asked, smiling at her warmly.

Gwen did know, but she debated sharing.

"Neuroscience." She finally said

"Fuck yeah, smart and hot. My kind of girl." Dex said. Gwen blushed.

"Shut the fuck up, Dex, Harry will beat your ass to a pulp." Zack cut in

Gwen rolled her eyes. "He probably wouldn't even notice."

She was right. Harry had come back and was playing beer pong inside. He knew Gwen was somewhere. Natalie was home and Gwen was around - that was good enough for him.

"Yooo can I have a puff?" A girl leaned in, smoking the joint from Gwen's fingers. It had just been passed back to her and was nearly gone,to her dismay.

"I'll light another" Carmen read her mind, passing it over to Gwen. "Neuroscience is cool. I'm in education, which sucks so far."

Gwen nodded. She had yet to meet any of the people her own age that Harry had mentioned earlier that week.

"Like you wanna be a teacher? Ewwww" The drunken girl exclaimed. Gwen never caught her name.

"What do you want to do?" Carmen asked her politely

The girl shrugged, plopping to take a seat on the grass.

Gwen maintained conversation - she was surprised she could keep up when they discussed their intro classes. Who knew all her reading would benefit her at a party so much?

"Hey - there you are."

Harry's voice cut off Carmen's story. Gwen was really invested so she waved Harry away.

"Hey Harry" Dex smiled, standing to give him and embarrassing bro hug. Gwen hated seeing Harry talk to his male acquaintances.

"Keeping and eye on her?" He raised an eyebrow at Carmen. She laughed.

"She can take care of herself."

Gwen smiled at that, but her felt the ping in her chest when he immediately walked away. He would have stayed and looked out for Natalie.

"Wanna go inside? I could use another drink" Gwen turned to Carmen. She nodded and gathered the few things she had askew on the seat next to her. She told Gwen it was to prevent guys from 'helping themselves and feeling her up'.

They did a shot in the kitchen before moving to the basement. It was the only place Y/N hadn't ventured yet but Carmen immediately headed that way.

It was busier down there. There was a pool table and a steady flow of beer pong rounds going on.

Behind the table was a whiteboard - Harry's name scrawled at the top. He was the current champion, I guess.

"Wanna play doubles?" Steve came up to the two girls, wagging the ball.

"I don't do beer pong." Carmen rejected "But you go ahead."

Gwen shrugged. Why not.

They played against another couple, Gwen couldn't quite remember their names. (Jen and Mike? Jesse and Mal? She didn't know).

Her and Steve won, to her surprise she was actually pretty good.

"Damn Styles, where you been hiding your sister?"

Gwen froze at Steve's forward remark. She knew Harry wouldn't like it.

"The library." He slurred. Oh, he was drunk. She had never seen him proper drunk before.

"Well all that physics or whatever helped her slay at beer pong. We'll have to vs you and Hannah sometime."

Harry stopped for a moment, before carrying on without another word. Two hours ago he told her not to talk to Steve, and now he was totally fine to leave her alone with him? What the fuck, Harry?

"Think I need another drink" She didn't "Wanna head upstairs?"

Steve nodded and the trudged up the stairs. That, Harry noticed. He got a scolding for embarrassing Natalie on the car ride home - he wasn't going to make that mistake again. He'll leave her. She's fine. Steve's fine.

"Have you had fireball before?" Steve asked, pulling a Mickey from his back pocket

"No" She admitted, reaching for a shot glass.

"Nah" He brushed her hand away, passing her the plastic bottle "Just swig it from the bottle"

Gwen obeyed, downing the liquid quickly. It burned, really burned, and she decided she liked fireball.

"Good, right?" Steve asked, taking a swig for himself. "So tell me about you."

"What about me?" Gwen asked, leaning on her hands on the counter "Not much to tell."

"Tell me what you like. About your friends. I dunno." Steve was leaning with his back against the counter, fully looking at Gwen

"I don't have many friends" She admitted "I don't get along with people my age much."

Steve smiled at that. He liked her.

"People your age kinda suck." Steve said

"Yeah." Gwen agreed "Especially my sister."

"You have a sister?" He asked

Gwen was about to tell him that she, in fact, had two, when Harry trudged up the stairs.

"Wanna come out for a blunt?" Harry asked

"Sure" Gwen replied, glancing at Steve expectingly. He shifted awkwardly, declining Harry's offer.

"Don't smoke much." He shared "I'll catch you around"

Gwen pouted at his swift exit, following after Harry to the back porch.

"So, who's Hannah?" Gwen teased. Harry didn't look over at her.

"Literally no one." He finally replied "I told you not to talk to Steve"

Gwen shrugged "It's not like you were talking to me."

"I'm not your fucking babysitter" He mumbled, kicking a rock as he puffed on the freshly lit joint.

"Exactly. I can talk to whoever I want."

Gwen was proud of herself - really proud. The liquor looked good on her, she thought.

"You're still my sister." He said, passing it over to her. "And Steve is no good."

"He was nice to me." She stated "And didn't cross any lines."

Harry scoffed, finally taking a seat beside her.

"Not yet. Did he offer you fireball?"

Gwen got defensive, why was he being like this?

"So what if he did?"

"Exactly" Harry chuckled "Fuckin Steve."

"I haven't done anything wrong"

"I didnt say you did."

"Well you're implying-"

"I am not implying anything. I'm just telling you not to talk to Steve."

"You're being an ass, and I'm going back inside."

Gwen left the porch swiftly, joining the sea of people. It was just before 2am, and it seemed like the party was in full swing. She glanced around for anyone she may have met earlier.

"Hi! I'm Fatima." A girl smiled, coming into Gwen's line of sight.

"Gwen" She said, relieved to have joined a conversation instead of continuing to awkwardly looking around. "Got busy all of a sudden."

"Yeah, that always happens at Bryan's parties." Fatima smiled knowingly "I'm Bryan's girlfriend, by the way."

"Nice to meet you." Gwen said "I'm having a great time."

"Do you go to school with him? What's your connection?"

"Harry's sister."

"Ohhh." Fatima said knowingly "He gave a pretty hefty pep talk to the guys before tonight. Said everyone better leave you alone or there'd be hell to pay. Probably scared them all off, hope you haven't had a hard time meeting people tonight"

She talked fast, Gwen almost missed what she had said. She found Harry's protective nature endearing - maybe she should find him and apologize.

"Wait, I thought his sister name was Natalie?" Fatima stopped, pulling someone over "The girl Harry was warning everyone about, what was her name again?"

"Natalie." The girl confirmed "She left though"

Gwen stood there awkwardly, unsure how to respond to the current conversation in front of her. Guess Harry really wasn't worried about anyone being interested in her.

"Oh, I'm Cherry by the way." The girl stuck her hand out "Harry's girlfriend, if you know Harry."

Gwen smirked. Oh, so Harry had a girlfriend?

"I'm Gwen, Harry's sister. Natalie is my twin, she went home cuz she wasn't feeling well." Gwen suddenly felt very, very petty. "Guess she can't handle her liquor."

"Guess not." Cherry said "have you seen Harry? He left to play beer pong ages ago but I haven't seen him awhile."

"Last I saw he was talking to Hannah." Gwen smiled "Looked friendly."

Cherry looked at her baffled. Guilt immediately flooded to her gut as she realized what consequences could come.

"Interesting. Excuse me, I'll be back."

Fatima looked at her, eyes wide.

"Do you know who Hannah is?" She asked, Gwen shrugged.

"No but Harry's a fucking prick so I'm sure he'll deserve what he gets."

At that, Gwen turned on her heel and headed towards the kitchen.

Carmen and Zack were about to pour shots, which Gwen gladly agreed to join in on. She poured herself another drink and chatted with them in the kitchen for awhile. She had almost forgotten about Harry, until he came storming in.

"Gwen, can I talk to you?"

"Kinda busy" She brushed off. Carmen eyes the two anxiously

Harry's eyes narrowed at the empty shot glasses and the half finished cup in her hand.

"I was thinking we could go now."

"You can do whatever you want Harry, it's none of my business."

Harry was getting frustrated. He obviously couldn't leave her here, but he was ready to go home.

"I met Cherry, She seems lovely." Gwen smiled sickly. Zack scoffed.

"She's not." Carmen said, removing the cup from Gwen's hand "But Harry knows that."

Harry rolled his eyes at the pair, narrowing them slightly.

"So have you two fucked again?" He asked. Carmen froze and looked over at Zac. Zac was glaring at Harry

"Again? Zack what the fuck." Carmen slammed her cup onto the counter and stormed out. Zac cursed and followed after her.

"Spoiler alert: they haven't fucked yet." Harry said. Gwen shrugged

"Who cares if they have." She picked her cup back up from the counter and continued to sip on it slowly. "I didn't know you had a girlfriend."

"She's not my girlfriend" He mumbled, pouring himself another cup "Thinks she is though"

"I think that means you have a girlfriend." Gwen stated "better break up with her if it's not serious"

Harry was tense now, more tense than Gwen had seen him in awhile. She wondered about the inner workings of his love life, but he always spared the women in his life of the details. There was no one serious enough for him to talk about.

"Think that's done now." He admitted, downing the rest of his drink before promptly refilling it "On my ass about how my sister said I was making out with Hannah"

Gwen snorted, placing her empty cup on the counter next to Harry's. He hesitated before filling it with water.

"That's not what I said"

"Well whatever you said - thanks. Been trying to get her to leave me alone since grade eleven."

That surprised Gwen. They went to the same school for two years - she had never even seen Cherry before. She wondered what else she didn't know about her brother.

"I was" He said. Gwen looked at him questioningly "Making out with Hannah, I mean."

"Oh" Gwen didn't know what she was supposed to say to that. "Was it good?"

"No" Harry laughed, tapping the cup of water in her hand.

Gwen obliged and sipped the cup.

"Sorry to hear that." She finally said

Harry shrugged. "Such is life."

"Not my life." Gwen said quietly and Harry glanced at her

"I've never kissed anyone" She admitted

"What?" Harry asked, He didn't believe her "Don't you have like a nerdy study boy - er or girl? question mark? that you run off to all the time?"

"No" Gwen laughed "Is that what you think? I head to the library at night to meet a mystery boygirl"

"That's what Natalie thinks."

"Natalie is a pro at making shit up."

"Yeah." He agreed. "So you just run off by yourself and, what, read?"

"Basically, yeah. Sometimes I cry."

Harry frowned.

"Well why don't you ever want to come hang out?"

"What?"

"Like parties and stuff, Natalie always says you don't want to come."

"Natalie has never onced asked me." Gwen said

"Of course she hasn't." Harry mumbled "What a bitch."

"Yeah, I mean you've never invited me either. Natalie's always with you" Gwen said pointedly "Literally always."

"Yeah because she begs me to come." Harry rolled his eyes "She's so annoying."

"She is annoying" Gwen agreed. Tonight has been very eye opening.

"I knew you'd like my friends more than she would - sorry, I guess I shouldn't have taken her word for it."

"Why do you think that?"

Harry shrugged. "Because we get along better."

"We do?"

Harry looked at her like he had been hit by a bus. Suddenly Gwen felt bad, really bad. She clearly didn't know Harry as well as she thought she did.

"I mean - yeah. Uh, I thought so.."

"I always thought you liked Natalie more."

"I mean, you're both my sisters and I love you guys, obviously I love her to death. But she's always needy and she's kind of stupid so I don't love to have her around all the time because I feel like I gotta keep an eye on her, or whatever. I dunno. I guess I just trust you more to handle yourself."

Gwen laughed to herself, and Harry joined in shortly after.

"Yeah I used to be really beat up she didn't want to hang out with me - be my friend, I guess, but as I get older I just think she's right. We don't have a lot in common."

"Yeah but honestly I think that's what kills her. She's pretty insecure, and I think you make her jealous. Did you see her face earlier when you said you aren't gonna leave? I thought she was gonna shit"

Gwen laughed. She wished she had confided in Harry sooner.

"Love her though." Gwen said.

"I love her too, but it's always about her. I don't think she wants to come and meet my friends - I think she wants to tell her friends she has college friends."

Gwen knew that was probably true, but she didn't comment on it further. She had never heard Harry complain about Natalie. It was refreshing.

"Gotta protect her or whatever but God I would love to stop worrying about her all the time."

As if on cue, Jason came in, giggling, hand in hand with some blonde girl Gwen had never seen. Harry's jaw tensed.

"Let me." Gwen eased.

"Don't mean to be a party pooper, but this guy gave my sister, his GIRLFRIEND, chlamydia. Might want to avoid him." Gwen said to the girl.

The girl looked at Jason disgusted, and stormed back to the basement. Jason was about to scold Gwen off before he realized who she was. His mouth dropped to an o, and Harry watched the scene unfold from behind the island.

"Yeah. You should probably just go."

"I dont-"

"Get the fuck out, Jason." Harry said, not moving from his spot.

Jason rolled his eyes and left. Harry and Gwen burst out laughing.

"She deserves it though." Harry said "Obviously I wouldn't tell her that and he did seem kind of nice but I'm not surprised that she doesn't know how to pick them."

"I don't know how to pick them either." Gwen teased. Harry looked at her confused

"Steve?" She reminded

"I really like Steve."

"What?" Gwen laughed "Well then what the fuck was your problem?"

"I know Steve." Harry said simply "He's nice. Of course you find the one nice guy whose ass I don't want to have to kick. I figured Natalie would be my problem tonight, not you."

Gwen smiled to herself. She liked Steve too.

"Never in a million years would I have guessed it would be Nat going home early. I figured you'd bus out of here at like 1130 or some shit and she'd get shitfaced and I'd have to hold her hair back."

Gwen was surprised, and clearly her face showed it because Harry lightly shoved her shoulder, pointing to the last few sips of her water.

She finished it off and tossed the cup in the garbage.

"Ready to go?" Harry asked

"Sure." She shrugged. She felt she had gotten what she wanted and more out of tonight.

"Oh! Are you guys leaving?" A voice snapped Harry and Gwen to the patio door, Steve was walking in and slid the door shut behind him.

"No man - just me. Take care of her for me, yeah?" Harry smiled at Gwen knowingly

"Of course. Have a good night."

Gwen was about to protest but Harry waved his hand to stop her. "Have fun."

"Bye Harry" Gwen smiled at her brother. He gave her a quick hug.

"Text me if you need anything" He whispered, Gwen softly nodded onto his shoulder.

"Be safe!" Harry called back, heading out towards the front door.

"So, how about another drink?" Steve smiled

#ask and you shall receive #harry styles fic #harry styles one shot #harry styles #harry styles angst #harry styles fluff #older brother harry

[cozyxmasstrberry]

Fuck It.

Spidersona x Miguel 18+ smvtty fic!!!!

“Lyla. Shut everything down. Please.” Miguel rolls his shoulders and yawns as his screens shut down. Today was pretty rough. Bullshit after fuckup with his job at Alchamex along with keeping the multiverse in line was all too much. On top of that, he's dealing with people *all day.* No explanation needed. He couldn't be more stressed at the moment, so he thinks of the one thing he usually does to relax a bit.

Mya had been his best friend for the past few months. It's only been a few months, but it feels like he's known her for years. He finds it so easy to relax around them since they have no high expectations and judgement towards him. He can just be around them, and that alone is relief enough. He's found that they're close enough to the point they practically live at each other's homes, and they're able to predict a lot about each other.

But as of late, things have been tense between the two, and the tension, romantic and sexual, is only getting worse. The atmosphere became so palpable, Jessica and Peter give each other knowing glances whenever there's an awkward silence between Miguel and Mya. Earlier that week while they were on a mission, they came a millimeter away from kissing next a pile of rubble, out of breath and bruised from battle. Thank goodness Ben had been there to snap them out of it with his dramatics.

Both of them have similar mindsets at the moment. They both think that ignoring the obvious chemistry between them will smother it and snuff it out soon enough. The poor fools have the same logic as pouring gasoline and acetone on a burning forest to drown out the flames.

Ignoring the looming feeling of nervousness, Miguel decides to keep Saturday nights normal and taps in the coordinates for earth 20725. Lyla manifests as if she'd read his thoughts, but before she could say anything, he swats a hand through the hologram, making her pop up somewhere else. “Say anything and I'll have you reprogrammed,” he warns with a frown. She rolls her eyes and dissipates.

^°^°^°^°^°^°^°^°^°^°^°^°^°^°^°^°^°^°^°^°^°^°^°^°^

Mya sits at her vanity, doing some skincare her mom was telling her about recently. Her mind wanders to Miguel, without fail, thinking of how they'd been less than an atom away from kissing earlier that week. If Ben hadn't been there, wailing about a scratch on his, quote unquote “handsome face,” would they've kissed? They feel like they've forgotten to breath naturally, having to force each puff of oxygen in and out of their lungs. They clear their throat and focus on their hands rubbing the serum that's supposed to rejuvenate her skin. *“Just don't think about him right now. Relax.”* They tell themself. She rubs her hands together before putting a small amount of oil in their hands and running them through her hair.

*“Don't think about him. Focus on what you're doing. Best friends don't think about each other that way. Quit it.”* Their thoughts repeat over and over until they overlap like an awfully trained marching band. Her pens begin levitating slowly, along with her books, then other small miscellaneous things. Her stomach does a flip and breakdances. *“It's probably Jess. Or maybe Peter's hungry.”* She thinks. A small thud sounds, followed by her things dropping back down. They don't turn around, they keep running the oil through their hair with their fingers. They swallow, but it serves no purpose. Her mouth is just as dry as her throat.

Miguel lands on his feet, and looks around the place. Just the atmosphere makes him feel that traveling across the multiverse to be where he is was worth every second of the trip. The house smells like Mya. The soft scent strawberry nectar and regal plums enters his senses. The color of dusty rose and tan relaxes him.

Or, it would relax him, if it weren't for the feeling of her presence. He can feel it seeping from her partially opened bedroom door, creeping through his nostrils and strangling his lungs. He sighs deeply and brushes it off before walking over to it and knocking a couple of times before walking in. He clears his throat.

“Hey.” Mya’s heart falls into her stomach, causing the ocean of butterflies in it to have a violent uproar just at the sound of his voice. she swallows again. “Hey. Was work any good?” She doesn't turn to him. They continue running their fingers through their hair. Usually, she would've been done with that by now. Miguel shifts his feet. “No. I'm exhausted, and it was less than tolerable.” Mya lets out a chuckle through her nose. She finally rubs her hands against her thighs.

“Well, you can take it easy now.” They wonder why they're so conscious about how they sound. Is her tone too awkward? Shaky? Miguel rubs his fist into his palm. “Yeah. I'll be in the shower.” Mya nods as he walks into her bathroom. As soon as the door closes behind him, her muscles relax and she breathes normally. She looks at herself in the mirror. They're not wearing anything out of the ordinary, just some lounge wear she'd usually throw on to wind down for the night.

She can't help but wonder if it's the wrong color. Pink is often a color associated with love and romance. They hope he doesn't take that as a signal, though they know that he wouldn't care about it. She's worn more showy outfits in front of him before and neither of them cared. It wouldn't have mattered before, but it does now because she has feelings for him. Feelings she's not sure he reciprocates. she swallows once again, snapping herself out of her thoughts. They get up and plop down on the bed, hoping tonight won't be excruciatingly awkward.

Miguel goes through the motions of showering, not thinking about lathering as he does it, not thinking about rinsing himself while water cascades over his body. He's thinking about how he can get through the night without looking like an awkward asshole. He could stay a good distance away from her, but that's out of the norm and it'd raise suspicion. He obviously can't be overly touchy with her, and he doesn't think making a move on her would be the best choice at the moment. They'd push him away and their friendship that they'd both fought hard for would crumble out of existence.

He runs a hand over his face. He makes up his mind and decides he'll have to deal with it and refrain from doing anything stupid. He sighs and shoved a towel in his face to dry it. When did he finish showering? The faucet was already off and he'd already grabbed a towel from the bathroom closet. He hadn't noticed, he'd been so lost pondering how he'll deal with himself around Mya. He dries himself, wraps the towel around his waist and walks out of the bathroom, freeing the steam that was in the room with him. He walks over to Mya’s dresser to grab some comfortable clothes he'd left.

Mya themself keeps their eyes on their book. Neither of them says a word, and the silence of full of awkward and overthinking. Miguel pulls his shirt on over his body, then sits on the bed with her, trying to keep some semblance of normalcy. He looks over to her, her face still buried in the book until he nudges her, making her lose her page. “Are you gonna read for the whole night, or are we doing something else?” *Did that come off wrong?* Mya sighs and closes their book, tossing it on the nightstand.

“We can do something else.” She mumbles, grabbing her remote and turning the TV on. “We can watch a movie or something. Like usual.” She swallows again. Miguel nods and puts his eyes on the screen. “Yeah. We can.” They hand him the remote. “You pick. I'm indecisive.” The corner of his lips tug up. He takes the remote and browses through.

“What do you feel like watching?” He asks. They only shrug and shake their head. Truthfully, they could care less about what they watch. Miguel decides on Flicka and turns it on since it was a familiar name. “What's this one about?” Mya asks. Miguel shrugs. “I don't know. I just remember it's good.” He answers. “You'll like it.”

She looks at him with squinted eyes. “How do you know?” Miguel's eyes meet theirs. He feels a heat drop to his groin as soon as her onyx pupils land on his. He may joke and tease her about her eyes resembling a cartoon alien's, but truthfully, it's on of his favorite things about her. They always light up when they see him, the way they dilate when they're focused, or dart around when they're annoyed; it's always made him feel some type of way. But right now, it's making him feel stupidly horny.

Their eyes stay locked on each other's as if the others gaze has a vice grip around their necks. Their eyes are saying everything their lips don't have the courage to. All noises and surroundings are blocked out now, only focused on each other.

“I know *you.*” he surmises, his voice lower than usual. A volcano erupts in Mya’s stomach, the heat travelling throughout her body. She swallows for the umpteenth time. “I know what you like before you do.” He continues, his eyes dropping to her lips, then her chest then slowly back to her eyes. They slowly lean closer unconsciously as if they're magnetic and being drawn to each other.

“I don't think anyone knows me better.” Their voice feels lighter and more breathless than they remember it being. Does it sound that way? Her gaze falls to his lips over and over. They hope he doesn't notice. He's noticed, though. “No one does,” he brags as their faces become close enough to make out faded freckles and pores. Their lips become so close, they can feel each gentle puff of air coming from their lips.

Miguel’s hand travels up their arm with a featherlight touch. Mya’s eyes meet his again, pleading for *him*. After a long and irritating moment of keeping their lips separated from each other's, Mya gently grabs his tank top and pulls it towards her.

*“Please.”* She whines in a hushed tone. In a span of two seconds, he considers everything. What'll happen if he gives in, and what their friendship would be like afterwards. Would anything change? His thoughts run a million miles a second. He really doesn't want to lose them if this isn't the right move, but the way she's looking at him, begging with her eyes. He'd be a damned fool to deny her now. *“Fuck it.”* He thinks to himself.

His hand reaches to their neck, grasping it gently, yet firmly and pulls them in, crashing his lips against theirs. His hand glides to the back of her neck as her arms wrap around his. His free arm wraps around her waist, pulling her closer to him as their lips move together with urgent, pent up passion. A huge relief runs over them, like a balloon releasing after the stress of being filled with too much air. It feels so sweet to feel each other's lips. Finally.

The noise of their kissing and soft moans fill the air, and soon enough, Mya pulls him on top of her. His hands travel down her sides and back as they relish in each other's tastes. After at least a solid five minutes of making out like horny teenagers after prom, he pulls away. For a moment, he just looks at them to admire the way they look right now. Her lips are puffy and her cheeks a wine-like hue. Their eyes turn him on to no end. The look in them are overflowing with lust, but not just lust: there's genuine admiration and love.

“Can I touch you, Mya?” He asks in a slightly teasing tone, although it's a genuine question. They nod eagerly. “Hm?” He questions again, his thumb pulling at their bottom lip gently to make her answer verbally. “Yes,” She says breathlessly. He brings his lips to her neck and collar bone, peppering kisses and love bites on her neck, taking her breath from her.

His hands glide up her sides slowly, wanting to take his time end savor every second before his fingers finally make it to her shirt, unbuttoning them carefully. He pushes each sleeve down her arm until she was shirtless. He glides his hands over her bare skin before placing his hands on the hem of her shorts, tugging them down and off. Mya reaches for the hem of his tank top, looking at him for permission, pulling it over his head after he gives her an approving nod.

He brings his face close to theirs once again, capturing their lips in another heated kiss as his hands roam their body. He kneads her breasts and grabs her thighs and waist as their tongue explore each other's mouths. His hands come to the waistband of her panties. “Can I?” He asks in a hushed, low tone. She nods. “Yeah.” She lets out a shaky breath, trying not to come of as needy. Unfortunately for them, they're failing.

Miguel kisses their cheek as he tucks his hand into her panties, running his middle and ring finger up her slit. He groans softly, feeling her arousal coat his fingers. “This wet already and I've barely even touched you.” He teases. He gently presses his fingers against her clit, keeping his eyes on her face. He doesn't want to miss a single expression she makes. They gasp and moan faintly, flinching slightly at the sensation.

He lies close next to them, his free hand caressing and playing in her coily hair. Slowly, he moves his fingers in small circles, watching them writhe and squirm beneath him. He grips her hair and gently turns her to face him. Her eyes lock with his and they don't move away. He moves his fingers faster causing her to breathe out a louder moan. “You look so fucking pretty like this.” He whispers to them.

Her eyes are half opened, her cheeks are warm and the moans he'd only imagined her making are flowing one after another through her full parted lips. He doesn't want to stop. If he could see her like this 24/7 he wouldn't complain about another thing again. Her moans are music to his ears, a perfect guide to lead him in bringing her pleasure. Her gasps and whimpers are the best thing he's heard, and it only makes him want to keep going. He moves his fingers quickly yet gently, side to side, making her curse through her whines.

“Je…suis proche,” she whines out with a cracky voice, only promoting Miguel to keep going. With a gasp, she comes undone, gripping onto his wrist tightly as he slowly strokes her clit to help her ride it out. “That's a good girl.” He murmurs in her ear. Once she catches her breath, he pulls her panties off and tosses them aside as he presses his lips against hers once again. He'd been so caught up in bringing them pleasure, he's just now noticing the ache in his groin.

He places wet kisses on her neck, sucking the skin of it. He doesn't care if anyone finds out about it anymore. In fact, he hopes they see all the marks and hickeys he's leaving on her neck and shoulders. “People are going get suspicious about these hickeys…” they say breathlessly. Miguel chuckles. “Good.” Just the thought of having her to himself, being the only one to see her like this makes him twitch against his fleece pants. He looks down at her once he feels her legs wrap around his hips. He chuckles. “Do you want more?” He asks half rhetorically, knowing the answer. “Yes, you know I do.” She whines impatientlly.

With that, he tanks his pants down, his cock springing up from them. He pulls her by her hips to bring her closer as he leisurely strokes himself, precum dripping from his tip already. he pushes the back of her thighs up, making sure she's in a comfortable position for the both of them. He gives her a quick kiss, then another and another. “Are you ready?” He questions. Mya nods. “Yes.” She confirms.

He presses his lips against hers, slowly and sensually moving his lips against hers, pouring out his affection and tenderness for her through the kiss. She kisses back, closing her eyes and running her fingers through his hair. They moan feeling the head of his cock push through their entrance. Miguel slowly presses forward, keeping his lips against hers. Once he's buried as deep as he can go, he pulls his head back to look for signs of discomfort. He confirms they're alright, and he brings a hand to the side of their face, holding them tenderly. Her hand remains on the back of his neck, gently running through his hair.

He pulls his hips back and pushes forward slowly, looking into her eyes. She looks back at him, letting a faint moan escape her lips. He slowly rolls his hips against hers, moaning as he feels her warm walls swallowing his cock. “Fuck, you're so tight,” he curses under his breath, relishing how good they feel around him. Mya moans softly as he slowly massages her walls. After making sure they're adjusted well to him, he snaps his hips forward, causing them to moan and clench around him. He groans feeling how tight they grip his cock.

He plunges into her over and over, the atmosphere filled with the sound of flesh slapping flesh, moans and groans and breathless curses. Miguel rutted into her, wanting her to feel every inch of him inside of her. She begins to tear up as she moans, begging him to keep going. Miguel moans and groans into her ear, setting her off even more. She moves her hips in sync with his, earning a moan from him. He keeps going until she comes to another unbelievable orgasm. He rocks himself deep inside while her walls contract repeatedly around his cock.

Once she calms down from her high, he begins moving again slowly. “I should warn you, I suck at pulling out. I'll need a little cooperation.” He warns. “You seem like the type. Don't worry about it.” She answers back with a giggle. He chuckles along with them and kisses her cheek. He backs up and admires the way they look. He brushes a hand up to her neck, wrapping his hand around it. She looks up at him, her hands caressing and holding onto the arm that's holding her neck. He thrusts hard into her, making a loud slap sound along with a moan. He strokes softly into her again before giving another hard thrust.

With that, he starts pounding into them harder than before. They moan his name as he fucks into her roughly. He lets out all the pent up desire he's kept bottled up for months with each snap of his hips. With his free hand, he rubs her clit, making their back involuntarily arch. He can feel their walls trembling, ready to collapse again. She gasps, the tears from her eyes falling. She lets a long moan out, her insides clamping around him repeatedly. With a final thrust, Miguel moans and comes deep inside her.

After, he collapses onto her, wrapping his arms around her and kissing their face. They hold each other tenderly as they catch their breath. Mya lets out a satisfied sigh as she turns to the TV lazily. She stares at it for a second, watching the credits roll. She snickers and laughs, causing Miguel to look at her. His expression is a confused one until she points at the screen. He chuckles along with them and stays there for a moment before finally pulling out of them.

“If it wasn't clear, I don't want us to be just friends.” Miguel says. Mya sucks her teeth. “Oh, really! I wouldn't have guessed.” They scoffed playfully. Miguel shoves her shoulder gently and lies next to her. He wraps his arm around her waist and tucks the other under her head. Mya finds the remote in the tangled sheets and puts on a national geographic jellyfish documentary. She could sense Miguel is thinking about something. Right on que, he clears his throat.

“Why'd you kiss back?” He questions quietly. Mya decides not to answer because the answer is obvious, and puts on her bonnet. Miguel knows it's obvious too, but his self doubt nags him into thinking he has to ask. “Mya.” He says, prompting her to answer the question. “Why do *you* think I kissed you back?” They ask softly. There's no sarcasm or malice behind the question, rather one they want him to think about.

“I don't want to be just your friend, either. We could be more.” Miguel sighs through his nose, pressing his lips together. He wraps his arm tighter. “It won't be easy…” he trails off. He knows how he is. He forgets, Mya does too. “I know.” She says softly. “My patience for you is infinite. I'm not going to give up on you easily.” Miguel feels a burn in his chest and throat hearing the honestly in her voice. Not a single lie was told. she puts her arm over his, rubbing it soothingly with her thumb. “I love you. I hope you know.” Miguel can't tell if his heart aches or throbs after hearing those words. His eyes burn as he blinks back tears.

“I love you too. I'm sorry I don't know how to show it well.” He says, his voice brittle and raspy. Mya snickers. “You do know how. You just think about it too much.” She says. He doesn't know what she means. Maybe this is one of her “wise sentiments” that he won't get until he fucks something up. He doesn't want to think to hard about it though. He doesn't want to think in general. He just wants to be with Mya right now. He buries his head into her silk bonnet and closes his eyes.

They don't regret it.

#across the spiderverse #pink #spidersona #miguel o'hara #atsv #atsv miguel

[beardedmrbean]

i have at least two far left leaning acquaintances who, in wanting to up their oppression points, converted to judaism a few years back when 'jew' got you as many points as 'muslim' or 'disabled' did. (and i'm almost positive that these two are not unique, especially since these two are in spheres that do not touch and i know for a fact don't know each other) now, ordinarily, i'm not the kind of person who would make assumptions about people i'm only just acquainted with, but these are people who will make very sweeping generalizations about christians and will tell you in no uncertain terms that believing in a god is weak and you're weak for clinging to a fairy tale. so i guess you can probably see where i'm going when i say something tells me that they only converted to judaism for oppression points. (and what a lot of work it is, to have gone through all that just for oppression points. wouldn't it have been easier to throw a box of firecrackers in a bonfire and hope to lose an eye?) i have to admit, i do take a sort of schadenfreude in watching them hurriedly and ashamedly try and cover up what they've done now that it's not cool to be jewish anymore. it's a sick, gut-punch kind of schadenfreude that doesn't necessarily make me feel very good, but it's the kind you cling to when you've got nothing else good to hang onto, if that makes sense.

Ya, Judiasm isn't a faith that really does and proselytizing, used to have the whole 'turn you away 3 times before I take you seriously about conversion' various reasons I've heard for it.

I think connecting it to Ruth and Naomi is the one I want to believe the most, pops into Christianity too with Peter getting it from Jesus as a you sure about this after Peter had denied knowing him 3 times.

But ya it's not one that's known to be easy to integrate into, not just the language bit either, but if you're looking for one to step out of the mainstream but still be big enough to be known Judaism works, not gonna get bagged on for 'cultural appropriation' like you would if you went and looked into Hinduism, Sikhism, Buddhism...... things really drop off numbers wise once you get past Hinduism

That last one is bit over 100 years old, don't worry I've never heard of it before either.

i have to admit, i do take a sort of schadenfreude in watching them hurriedly and ashamedly try and cover up what they've done now that it's not cool to be jewish anymore. it's a sick, gut-punch kind of schadenfreude that doesn't necessarily make me feel very good, but it's the kind you cling to when you've got nothing else good to hang onto, if that makes sense.

If you're right about their motivations I'm going to be less concerned about them than I will the community they were part of, imagine on top of all the other shit that's been piled on you finding out that these people you invited in to your community only did it so they could capitalize on oppression points.

Not something most any Jewish person I've ever met does anyhow, the claiming oppression points that is, not much beyond 'I'm Jewish so I know what it's like to go through this' at least.

at least we have a nice cautionary tale to tell now I suppose, not worth the price but gotta find some bright spot somewhere

#anonymous

[theunwillingassistant]

Recovering [THE CHAIR, PART TWENTY TWO]

Lufroz didn’t know how long he had been unconscious. Hours? Days? He couldn’t tell at all. But by the time he began to emerge, he began to feel pain, as if it were welcoming him back into the world of the living.

It was so strong that Lufroz tried to cling to his unconsciousness, but to no avail. The more he felt pain, the harder it was to stay asleep and, soon enough, he woke up, with no possibility of going back to the blissful sleep he was already starting to miss.

He opened his eyes slowly, clenching his teeth at the amount of pain he was in. His entire body was hurting, with some areas worse than others. For a second, he was confused as to why everything hurt so bad- until his mind began to remember everything. His face turned pale as memories washed over him, memories that were way too fresh for his own good.

God… God. No wonder he was in so much pain… The hour he had spent with Bastoff felt like it had lasted an entire day. He didn’t dare imagining the state he would be in if it had been the case. 

He could barely move. His entire body screamed every time he tried and, despite the urge to look under the covers to assess the damage, he decided to remain still. He could already feel the cast around his foot, and that was enough for him. Instead, he watched his surroundings. It really didn’t take long for him to recognize the room he was in.

It functioned as an infirmary. Well, it was more the place where they stored all kinds of medicine, really, but there were two beds, which were used anytime someone from Morgan’s team was hurt. They obviously couldn’t go to the hospital for very obvious reasons, so a room like this one was a must in this type of work.

There were a lot of different cabinets, all filled with medical supplies of all types. There was a fridge too, which Lufroz assumed was used to store special kinds of medicine. Each bed had its own nightstand, but nothing was on top. Next to Lufroz was an IV drip that was connected to his arm, probably a pain killer, but the bag was empty. This was probably the reason he woke up in the first place.

Other than that, the room had nothing else, really. There was no desk for any doctor, as they were called only when there was a need for them. No one worked here full time, and those who did were paid not only for the care, but also for their silence. The young man knew that it would be a while before he saw the doctor again. He still hoped someone would replace the bag on the IV drip, though.

He sighed. The pain made it hard for him to think. He tried to rest again, but he couldn’t. Between his suffering, and his own anxiety, there wasn’t much he could do but think. 

Was it all over? Now that he had endured Bastoff’s torture, he was going to be free again, right? That was what Morgan had said before, or at least that was something he remembered, a hope he clinged to. He honestly didn’t think he would be able to get back on that damned chair after all that… The only thing he wanted was to get better, and… Try to forget everything that had happened in the last few days. 

Although, deep down, he knew very well he wouldn’t be able to. This was just another traumatizing event, one that was added to the multiple horrible memories he had gathered while working for Morgan. It had only been a month, really, but it felt like years, honestly. It wasn’t like he had had a choice, though- it was either working for Morgan, or die from his hands. 

Anything to stay alive, he had thought back then. Was he regretting it? Somewhat. It was debatable whether this new life was worth living, especially after everything that had happened to him this past month. Between the verbal, physical, and sexual abuse… All of this was just new trauma added to the pile.

The only good thing in this new life was his sister, the one true person that made it worth not dying. Ever since they moved closer to one another, seeing her was something he looked forward to. After all… She was the only family he had left. She still had her mother, but Lufroz… Not so much. 

He groaned, and moved his uninjured arm to cover his eyes.

Everything had been his father’s fault. This damned project of his, this obstination towards an unattainable goal, his dying wish for Lufroz to continue his work, to put himself in danger for a man who had neglected him for years… And all for what?

For this entire project to be wasted- no, worse. To end up in the enemy’s hands, and for the same to happen to Lufroz.

He should have never accepted to help his father. Should have never accepted to grant him this dying wish, the one that was responsible for Lufroz’s entire situation. He wished he hadn’t accepted.

But it was too late to regret. In the end, thinking about that was just hurting him more and more. He had accepted his father’s wish, had paid the price by getting hunted all over the state by mafia organizations, only to request the help of the only person able to help him.

And now, there he was.

Lufroz sighed, shutting his eyes hard. At least, his sister was blissfully unaware of all that. If she ever found out… He really didn’t want to think about it. The less she knew, the better, and the safer for her. All he wanted Lesly to do was to enjoy life. If she was okay, then… Then he would endure everything. Or, at least, he would try to.

In any case, he hoped things would go back to “normal”, now that his mistake had been paid for. Well, he hoped it was, anyway. The only thing he could do, at this point, was to wait for Morgan, and hope for the best.

#kohrel #the unwilling assistant #tua #lufroz #lufroz winter #text #text file #oc

[oblivionumbra]

HTP. Marcus x Reader X Kitten  Cuddles and care

This is a late birthday gift to my younger sibling! Happy birthday @gremlin-lord 

Summary: You had a very stressful day at work and your lovely fiancés are just the right remedy you need. 

Reader pronouns (They/Them)

Disclaimer: I’m still pretty new to the HTP fandom so please bare with me!

“Ugh...” You groaned and flopped onto your bed. Your job as cashier was always irritating and exhausting but fuck today was the worst. First an angry Karen decided that her perfect demon of a child was allowed to just take the candy without paying for it. Then your manager was being a rude asshat for refusing to take a well deserved break after dealing with rude customers all day. To put the cherry on top after a long 8 hour no break shift, your manager decided to keep you an extra TWO HOURS to restock your store’s supplies. 

To say you were pissed a was the understatement of the year!

Your whole body was so sore and your stomach was empty but you had zero energy to get up.

Eventually you hear the door downstairs open and your ears were met by the sound of Big D scolding Marckus for god knows what. Seems the guys are back from another hunt. You had zero energy to deal with it.

Eventually the door to your shared room opens and the first thing you hear was a very concerned Marckus. “Sweet heart what’s wrong?” Your fiancés come into view and you could already see Marckus got beat up pretty badly by some vampires. Kitten’s hand gently rested on your back while you reached out to hold Marckus’s hand. “Shit day at work.” You muttered. While Marckus chuckled Kitten seemed to be very concerned. “You look so pale darling, have you eaten any today?” When you tell them no and that your shit boss neglected to give you a damn break, you could feel both of them get angry. They hate your job just as much as you do. “I’ll go cook us something. Marckus look after them.” He placed a small kiss to your forehead before heading downstairs. You softly smiled. Marckus gently pulled you into his arms. “Are you okay? You look like how I feel.” You asked. Both of you laugh. “Eh, I’ve gotten worse. We’re more concerned about you.” A soft sigh escapes you as Marckus runs a hand through your hair. 

“Why don’t you just quit that stupid job and come hunting with us? I’m sure you got some pent up anger to take out on those bitchpires.” You laughed as you look up at Marckus. “Trust me I would but ONE of us has to a have a normal job.” You then snuggled up to Marckus. “Plus Kit would have a heart attack if I joined you guys.” You then hear said man from the doorway. “You damn right I will!” He brings you three a bowl of beef stew. With a low groan you sit up to except the bowl. “After you eat, I’m running you a hot bath.” Kitten said, pointing his fork at you like a damn weapon.” He then aims it at Marckus. “And I got this for your black eye.” Kitten reached into his pocket to pull out an ice pack for Marckus. “What will we do without you my love?” Marckus wooed. Through your food, you smiled softly at the two.

Once you got out the bath, you flopped into bed and cuddle up to Kitten who was reading one of his many romance novels. “CUDDLE PILE!” You and Kitten tensed up as Marcus dived bomb onto the bed to engulf the two of you. “MARCKUS NO!” But it was too late, you heard the poor man bang his head on the headboard. “Ow...worth it!” Kitten huffs as he worries over Marckus’s new head bruise. But he just gives both of you the widest smile you’ve ever seen. It made you softly smile, it was always amazing to come home to these two. The three of you eventually got comfy in each others arms. Marckus sat in middle of both of you. With a soft sigh you say. “I love you ya dinguses.” Both of them smiled at you. “We love you too sweetheart.”            

#hunter the parenting #htp #htp kitten #htp marckus #reader #reader insert #fanfic #wholesome #cuddles #love

[dragon-kazansky]

Christmas at the cabin

For @bayisdying

Fanboy x Lucky

The Chaos Squad

Fanboy and Lucky are spending Christmas in a cabin. There's plenty of things to do when there's only two of you.

♡♡♡

This Christmas was going to be perfectly romantic. At least, that's what Mickey was aiming for. This Christmas was going to be spent in a cabin away from the chaos of the city at this time of year.

Fanboy surprised Lucky pretty last minute by telling her what the plan was. He knew both of them would be home over the Christmas period, so he jumped at the chance to sweep her off her feet.

When Lucky found out about the cabin trip she jumped up into his arms and kissed him like there was no tomorrow. No one had ever done anything like this for her before, so she was very excited.

Mickey had everything planned out.

They drove up on the Friday, arriving about midday. Lucky had plenty of time to let her friends and dear ones know she would away for a few days. It would just be the two of them this year.

When she climbed out of the car, she couldn't stop smiling at the sight of the cabin. It was a raised cabin surrounded by trees. Snow covered everything in a thick blanket. It was stunning!

Mickey throws an arm around Baylie's shoulder and leans into her, pressing a kiss to her cheek.

"Well?"

"It's perfect!" She smiles at him. "Completely and utterly perfect."

The pair unload the car and head on up to the cabin. Getting the cases up the stairs was an adventure in itself, but they were laughing, so all was good. Mickey only nearly fell three times. He just wanted to get out of the snow, but Baylie's smile was worth nearly breaking his neck.

Once everything was inside, Baylie took off to explore. Mickey laughed as she darted about the room, poking her head into the living area and then rushing to the kitchen. With quick footsteps she was heading upstairs and he heard her squeal, knowing she must have seen the bedroom. The pictures he had seen offered a large comfortable bed. It would be a wonder if she even got up in the morning.

Lucky comes back down and wraps her arms around Fanboy again. He chuckles as he hugs her.

"This is amazing!"

Mickey holds her hand as they head into the living together. It's time to make this place their home for the next few days. Mickey let's go of her hand to light the fire. It will be nice to get cosy in front of the log fire. While he does that, Baylie heads over to the tree.

A tall Christmas tree sits in the corner, but there is nothing other than lights on it. At her feet sits an open box full to the brim with decorations. She smiles as she sees a note stuck to the box. It's from the owners who rented out the cabin to them.

'Heard you like to decorate the tree. We left everything here for you. Have fun and Merry Christmas!'

Baylie chuckles softly as she puts the note back down. Mickey must have mentioned that to them when he booked it. Lucky looked forward to decorating it with him, maybe with some Christmas music on in the background.

The fire roars to life as Mickey stands up and turns back around to face Baylie. They both smile at each other again.

This is going to be the best Christmas ever.

With the fire burning, and snacks set out, the pair play music while they decorate the tree. Mickey makes Baylie laugh several times, and helps her put the star on the top. Both of them have to climb on the furniture to do it, but they get it up there.

They find themselves eventually curled on the sofa with a movie on. Some DVDs had been left for them, so Lucky chose her favourite from the pile and they got comfortable. Fanboy had an arm around her for the entire duration. Every so often he would press soft kisses to her hair.

After another movie they make dinner. The pair cook together, making the most of it. Lucky can't remember a time they laughed this much.

After dinner they get all cosy by the fire. Music plays softly in the background. A blanket hangs loosely around Lucky's shoulders as she watches the fire flicker. Half empty glasses sit on the floor between them. Mickey wiggles his sock clad toes as he enjoys the warmth.

"Thank you for this, Mickey."

Fanboy looks up at Lucky. She is still admiring the fire, but there's the smallest hint of a smile on her face.

"You're welcome, Baylie. We needed this," he says, speaking softly.

Lucky looks up at him.

"We needed a break away. Somewhere just the two of us. Spending Christmas in a cabin with you seemed like a fun idea. Tomorrow we can do whatever you want! We can facetime Ice if you'd like. I know you'll probably want to check in with him now that you're here."

Baylie smiles.

"I love you, Mickey."

"I love you too."

The couple share a kiss in front of the fire and lean into each other. Lucky smiles as she rests her head against his shoulder.

It's quiet between them for a little while, but then Fanboy speaks.

"Should we break in the bed?"

Lucky bursts into laughter and nearly falls over. She clutches her stomach as she throws her head, falling into a fit of giggles.

Mickey looks confused.

"What? I meant it!"

Lucky just laughs some more.

Yeah, this is going to be a fun Christmas.

#fanboy x lucky #the chaos squad fics #the chaos sqaud #top gun #Christmas

[missywritesfor7]

🌺 Promise Flower | PJM 🌺

Synopsis: Jimin is a popular dance student and the best one at his university. Mina is a photography student and has known Jimin since high school. An idea for a photo project finds Mina getting closer to him than she ever has before. She learns how big his heart is, but also learns how closely he guards it. Every time she thinks he'll let her in, he pulls away again. Is it even worth the trouble?

Pairing: college student!Jimin x fem!oc

Warnings: depression, anxiety, panic attacks, alcoholism

Previous Chapter | Next Chapter | Masterlist

|| Ch. 13: Green Eyes ||

We’re not a couple.

Jimin and I are not a couple.

We just spend every moment we can with each other. I take him to physical therapy and we watch dramas together. We have lunch together on the days our class schedules allow, and we have dinner together on most days.

We’re not a couple though.

I can tell he still gets jealous when Tae is brought up.

“You have to answer him right away every time?”

“Why isn’t he at his apartment?”

“How long have you known him? Not as long as you’ve known me, right?”

It’s like he has a Tae-radar or something. Every time my phone goes off he instantly starts pouting. Even if he doesn’t say anything I know what he’s thinking, and I know he’ll be vying for my attention if I spend too much time looking at my phone.

He’ll lean over and rest his head on my lap to get me to run my fingers through his hair. He’ll nestle his face into my neck to get me to wrap my arms around him. At times he’ll even pull me into his lap and he’ll begin running his fingers through my hair, knowing how much I enjoy it.

He’s never over the top about it, and he doesn’t directly say that he has a bit of insecurity when it comes to Tae, but he doesn’t hide it very well either.

The end of the semester is near and my photo project is due at the end of the week. After that I’ll have a week of studying endlessly before finals week. Once that’s over I’ll be able to breathe and I can’t wait.

With that, Tae and I have been spending more time at my place working on finalizing our projects. We give each other feedback and make adjustments so we can make sure everything is perfect. This project counts for a lot and could mean the difference between passing and failing the entire class, so we’re a bit stressed.

Jimin texts me a lot when I’m not with him which is great because Taylor is constantly texting Tae, and watching him smile at his phone every two seconds can get a bit sickening. But it’s also really cute.

The two of them seem to be made for each other. They haven’t made themselves openly official just yet, claiming to enjoy the anonymity of their relationship, but they’re adorable. I just wish they didn’t come to my place for refuge so much. They promise to pay me back in their own way once they’re able to get their own place together, which won’t be until the start of the new year. They both have awful roommates so I’m happy for them to finally move out.

Thursday night Tae stays over at my place, this time without Taylor who’s been stressing about finals. Tae felt that they would just stress each other out if they were together right now. Tae is stressed as well and says he doesn’t want to pile his stress onto Taylor’s. I ask why he’s at my place piling his stress onto mine and his response is because I have good snacks. He’s such a pain in the ass and he’s lucky I love him.

The next morning we gather all of our things to turn in and head to class. We’re both a ball of nerves, but once we give our presentations and turn everything in we breathe a sigh of relief. I’m sure we did fine and have nothing to worry about, but I guess the nervousness is natural when it comes to classes.

We celebrate by having lunch at our usual table in the cafe. We still have a lot of studying to do for our other classes, but right now we just want to take it easy. I’ll study next week, I just want to enjoy this weekend.

As we’re chatting and eating, Jimin enters the cafe and notices us at the table.

“Hey,” he says walking over and taking a seat next to me. “What are you guys up to?”

“Nothing, just having lunch and breathing a little relief now that we have our projects turned in,” I reply. “What are you up to?”

“Getting a bite to eat.”

I can’t help but notice his hand making its way to my thigh. And caressing it softly. He’s positioned himself quite close to me and with a cheeky smirk he snakes his arm around my midsection taking me a bit by surprise.

He’s never openly shown any type of physical affection towards me in public. I don’t know why he’s suddenly doing it now, but I can see Tae raise a suspicious eyebrow and I know exactly what he’s thinking.

“Shouldn’t you go order then?” I ask with a smile, but also giving him a look of what are you doing?

“I’m going,” he chuckles, making sure to run his hand across my entire back before getting up to go to the counter.

“Not a couple?” Tae says still holding his eyebrow high.

“Don’t start,” I say trying to avoid the conversation.

We’ve been going back and forth for weeks about Jimin and I not being a couple. No matter what I say, Tae is convinced that we are even if Jimin and I haven’t even discussed the topic.

“You know this isn’t helping your case of denial,” he says cocking his head to the side.

“Shut up.”

“He was practically all over you just now.”

“You’re exaggerating.”

“I just watched it with my own big eyes, Mina!”

“Ugh!”

“Why won’t you just accept it?”

“We haven’t even talked about it. I can’t go around saying we’re a couple without talking to him first.”

“I don’t think he needs you to talk about. He just made it clear as day.”

“Taehyung, I will throw a fork at you if you don’t hush.”

“Ok fine. If he comes back and he doesn’t put his hands on you then I’ll never bring it up again. I’ll even let you throw your fork at me.”

“Deal,” I say holding my fork menacingly and giving him an angry but playful scowl. He gives me a smirk as if he’s already won and nods.

Jimin returns to the table with his food and instantly rests his hand on my thigh while digging in to his salad with his other hand. Tae smirks in amusement and I’m considering throwing my fork at him anyway.

“So do you two have any plans for the day?” Tae asks.

“She’s taking me to my physical therapy appointment later,” Jimin answers before I can open my mouth. He turns to me with a big smile. “Maybe we’ll watch a movie later and I’ll get us something nice for dinner.”

“Um yeah,” I say trying to read his face. He’s looking at me like he wants to eat me more than any type of dinner. He turns back to Taehyung and leans his body closer to mine.

“Do you have any plans tonight?” Jimin asks with a bit of sass in his voice.

“I don’t know,” Tae hesitates. He twists his face a brief moment and then raises his suspicious brow again.

“Hey!” Taylor enters the cafe and greets us causing a big smile to creep across Tae’s face. “Having a party without me?”

“We’re just having lunch,” Tae says. “Sit. Chat with us.” He pulls out the chair next to him and looks at me with a smirk. I can just hear the gears turning in his head. He’s up to something.

“How’s your therapy going?” Taylor asks Jimin.

“Great,” he answers with enthusiasm. “My flexibility is getting better.”

“That’s good,” Taylor smiles. “We miss having you in class.”

“I miss it too.” Even with Taylor at the table, Jimin doesn’t put any distance between us. His hand is still caressing my thigh and he feeds me a few bites of his salad periodically.

“So, how long have you two been together?” Taylor asks with a shit eating grin much to Tae’s amusement. I’m going to need another fork to throw.

“Well we-“ I start.

“We should all go out for dinner tomorrow!” Tae says cutting me off.

“What?” I ask caught off guard by his sudden suggestion.

“All four of us!” He looks at Taylor and then Jimin. “It’ll be like a double date!” He’s way too enthusiastic about this.

“A double date?” Jimin asks seemingly confused. “You two are together?”

“Yup!” Tae and Taylor say in unison.

“Really? I didn’t know that.”

“Well we haven’t actually announced it to the world,” Taylor laughs. “But we kind of like it this way. Something about being mysterious makes it more exciting.”

“Oh,” Jimin says processing the information he just heard. Then he smiles. “I’m really happy for you!”

“So tomorrow night. All of us. Double date. Fun times.” Tae says winking at me with that big boxy smile. He’s a menace and he knows it and if he didn’t reach across the table to remove my fork from my hand I would have hurled it at his head.

“Sounds good to me,” Jimin says looking at me with a big bright smile. I guess I can’t back out of this now.

Tae and Taylor continue chatting with us a little longer before heading off to Taylor’s place. Jimin and I go back to his place until it’s time for his therapy appointment. I won’t say that I’m bothered by his sudden public show of affection, but I’m definitely confused.

“What was that about?” I ask laying on my stomach across his bed and cuddling with Blossom.

“What?” He asks laying next to me.

“The…” I wave my hands in the air. “Everything? The touching and affection. In public. In front of Tae and Taylor.”

“I didn’t know they were together,” he says avoiding my question.

“Yeah, and they’ve been driving me crazy,” I chuckle. “They’re cute together though.”

“Yeah they are,” he agrees.

“You didn’t answer my question though.”

“Dinner with them tomorrow should be fun.”

“Jimin!”

“Mina,” he smirks. He knows what he’s doing and he’s enjoying it.

“Dammit, Jimin, come on!” I whine.

“Sorry,” he chuckles. “If you don’t want me to I won’t touch you anymore.”

“Well no, that’s not what I said. I’m just confused.”

“So you want me to keep touching you?” He scoots closer to me pulling Blossom out of my arms and sliding his hand around my waist to pull me closer.

“You’re still not answering my question. You’ve never shown affection towards me like that in public before. Why now?”

“I thought you looked cute today.”

“Jimin.”

“And I haven’t seen you much this week.”

“Jimin!”

Before he can say anything else my phone goes off. I start to roll to my side to pull my phone out of my pocket, but he tightens his grip and pulls me closer to him.

“Is it important?” He asks with a low growl.

“I don’t know,” I say suddenly nervous. “It’s probably Tae.”

“He can wait.”

“Jimin,” I whisper trying my hardest to maintain my composure under his suddenly dominating gaze. “What are you doing?”

His intense stare makes my heart race. The longer he hesitates to respond the less I’m able to breathe. He thinks a bit while biting his bottom lip. I would love to say fuck it and just kiss him right now.

“I’m just enjoying your company,” he says loosening his grip on me.

“But earlier…”

“We should get ready to go soon.” He jumps up from the bed and steps into the bathroom leaving me there with more questions than I started with.

He’s just enjoying my company? What does that even mean? Is he trying to take things further with us? But then he pulled back as if he changed his mind. He was just all over me at the cafe, what was that all about?

I pull my phone out of my pocket and as I figured it was Tae texting me.

[Tae]: Now that he knows Taylor and I are together maybe he won’t be so jealous of me anymore 😌

[Me]: Jealous of you?

[Tae]: Come on it was so obvious!

[Tae]: I thought he was being weird at first but then I could tell he was just jealous.

[Me]: You’re crazy.

[Me]: But I think you’re right.

[Tae]: I’m taking a screenshot of this moment 📸

[Me]: 🖕

The way he left little to no space between us. The way he seemed to try making it incredibly obvious that something was between us, though I’m not entirely sure what. The way he spoke to Tae with a bit of sass in his tone. The way he looked almost as if he was bragging when he mentioned us having dinner and watching a movie tonight.

It wasn’t until Jimin realized Tae and Taylor were together that he started to lighten his tone a bit. He was still physically affectionate, but his sass disappeared.

So why did he pull away just now? He acted like he was trying to make a point, as if he was letting everyone, Tae especially, know that I belong to him. Why won’t he just make it happen? Why put up that front but then act like it’s nothing when I ask him about it?

After all he’s told me, I don’t believe him to be the type of person to just toy with me for shits and giggles, but he still leaves me so confused. I thought when he opened up to me about his past that he wouldn’t close himself off from me any longer, but he always comes just short of taking that next step. He has a way of skirting around the subject when I bring it up. I’ll admit I’m not that great at being direct with him about it, I thought I’d be able to ease into the conversation somehow but apparently not.

I don’t seem to have a choice anymore. I’ll have to be direct with him. I don’t know how much longer I can go on without having a clear definition of what our relationship is.

#bts #bts au #bts fanfic #bts fic #bts fluff #park jimin #jimin #Jimin au #jimin fic #jimin fanfic #jimin fluff #tw anxiety #tw depression #tw panic attack #tw alcoholism #friends to lovers #college au #university au #cross posted on ao3 #cross posted on wattpad #jimin x original character #jimin x oc

[farawaystardust]

I wrote this upon watching Romi Bean's video of Erik skating around after the cup ceremony on the ice, after everyone else had gone. This man and my feelings for him are both huge. Enjoy.

------ ------ ------

This video will never be shared anywhere but he’ll watch it every so often when he wants to feel this again.

It was so much brighter out here when his team was standing smiling at him, passing around this stupid trophy he’s been chasing since he was a teenager, a little boy who had no idea what was to come.

He was a young man when he left St. Louis where he had had such high hopes, had been full of optimism and positivity, only to have it fall apart spectacularly.

The noise was so much louder that year and the next.

He’s a tow headed baby and he’s never felt less grown up but Gabriel comes along and then Matt and then Nate and it feels like things are happening for them.

Except when it doesn’t.

Except when it all implodes.

And it hurts more than he could imagine to have it be someone else who walks away. Someone who gets on camera and tells the world that they can’t do it, that Erik can’t do it.

He’d known the pain of a whole city turning their backs on him, but to have the next person who hurt him be someone he trusted like a brother just made the wound ache that much deeper, left it with more scars.

With every loss and every time they inched closer to the treasured cup only to lose their grip in the end only pushed the knife further and on his darkest nights tricked him into believing it would never be his turn.

The goofy boy from Bloomington, the caring loving veteran defenseman who takes such good care of his team and his captain.

The injury prone draft bust, the untrustworthy pest, the slow poke, the no longer top pairing, the what am I even still doing here skeleton in the closet of his beloved team.

His soul is in Denver now and he just needs to make it through he can’t give in and when he’s got steady hands on his shoulders and arms wrapped around his torso, it doesn’t seem so hopeless after all, it doesn’t feel like he’s the burden.

Holding Nate’s precious head in his hands, all that strategy and intelligence, he knows that despite the disbelief it is real. It’s real. They’ve won it.

He’s careful, so careful, to touch and squeeze every single one of his boys. He shouts until he knows his voice will be hoarse in the morning.

He took care to love Gabe in the beginning and Gabe has given it back tenfold. He never made Erik feel useless. And now, passing the cup to him, beaming into each other’s faces with the exhausted glee of a champion, Erik knows it was all worth it.

He’s skating a slow circle in an arena in Florida and there’s only a handful of burgundy jerseys out there in the crowd, but it doesn’t matter. His arms don’t wobble, though his breaths are shaking, labored. Not from exertion, but from emotion.

It finally happened for them. For the people he loves best to share this moment with him, it’s an indescribable thing to witness. He watches with wet eyes as they all take their turn.

He watches them with pride swollen like a living creature in his chest, wrapped with warm fingers around his heart and his ribs. He’s so glad to see the faces both young and old, lips pressed to the rounded silver edges of the oldest and best trophy in sports.

And when he flings himself down onto the pile of his team for their group photo, there’s not a chance this feeling could ever be replaced. Repeated, sure, and he hopes like hell that he will get to watch these boys hoist another cup. But this group, this year, this team has been everything.

He’s done it with the logo on his chest that means it’s okay to believe in hope, to believe in believing.

So he skates another lap around an empty rink. The quiet after the noise rings with comfort and peace that he’s never felt before, that he wants to cherish forever.

And seeing Gabe skate toward him, he knows they’ll move through it together.

#colorado avalanche #erik johnson #stanley cup #hrpf #hockey fic #I guess? #fic #avs #gabriel landeskog #nathan mackinnon #the intimacy and the rush and the holy fuck what just happened

[xamassed]

⟬ @wishmcker — Eijiro’s Birthday 10 • 16⟭

Ochako had been slowly putting money away for months to be able to afford something nice for Eijirō’s birthday. This gift for her boyfriend (squee!) had to be perfect. The moment she had seen him looking at those expensive sneakers, she made sure to memorise every detail she could so she could purchase them for him in time.

The brunette excitedly presents the redhead with an almost crudely wrapped box, mismatched wrapping paper from presents she had carefully saved covering the gift like patches with a lot of tape. Inside the box were those very sneakers, top of the range with cushioned support and laces that matched his colour scheme as hero Red Riot.

Much like earlier in the year, inside one of the mouths, was a small bag of tiny heart-shaped chocolates - once again a little messy, but made with as much love as she could muster for him.

“Happy birthday, Kirishima-kun!” / did i forget his birthday? no, I legit had no ideas for chaks for him 😭

Slapdash as the wrapping was, Eijiro made it a point to admire the various colors and patterns. He was the loud and obnoxious sort, always smiling and throwing himself around because it didn't feel right to sit still for too long. Yet when he opened her gift, he was the textbook definition of delicate.

Each piece was barely torn, an impressively kept pile eventually sitting beside him. It took longer than most of his friends were comfortable with, but that may have been due to the quick, appreciative kisses he gave to her cheek between every change in paper. He had to let her know that, no matter what he found in the box, she was the greatest gift he could have ever been given.

He was hurried to open the box, several pairs of hands grabbing his broad shoulders and shaking him mercilessly. He tried to laugh, but the rattling made it sound broken. Okay, okay. He was getting to it! He moved twice as slow now just to tease, but there was no containing his excitement.

The lid was thrown off, and more than his elated gasp could be heard.

"No way. . ."

"Those are——!"

Eijiro's mouth hung open as he slipped the sneakers from the box. They had that distinct scent about them, of new rubber and plastic. He had never noted the smell before, but now he reckoned he'd remember it for quite a while. "How did you know?"

He had never mentioned wanting the pair, but he had given them longing glances whenever they visited the mall. He never felt bad for wanting things so long as he kept that want to himself. Some day, he would tell himself. He could save up and work for them, and that would make them all the more worth it.

Except he didn't have to now. His girlfriend, sweet and thoughtful and generous despite her situation, had considered him for one second and decided that he was deserving.

But the shoes would have to wait because he absolutely, without a doubt, needed to spoil her with every ounce of affection swelling inside his chest. They were set aside carefully, his thick arms wrapping tight around Ochako's shoulders. If he wasn't careful, he might crush her with his enthusiasm.

"Thank you, babe! Seriously, these are supposed to be amazing shoes!" He groaned gleefully into her neck, face buried against it. He was too happy, his whole body threatening to burst with the amount of love he had been shown by her and his friends.

"You're the best girlfriend ever!" She was the only girlfriend, obviously, but he was too overjoyed to think. Yet words weren't enough. Not caring what the others might think, he kissed her. It wasn't a long one, and it wasn't passionate enough to fully disgust their friends, but they did groan ( except for those that cooed and teased. )

When he pulled away, he cupped her face in his large hands. "I'm gonna wear the heck out of these!"

#wishmcker #wishmcker ; ochako #「 ( kirishima ; ic ) 」 #「 v. the wall that never falls ( kirishima ; student ) 」 #「 r. got him feeling light as air ( kirishima ; ochako ) 」 #( he will legit love ANYTHING she gives him ) #( even if it's just words ) #( but he's going to wear those shoes with pride )

[waitingformyfavoritesongs]

13 Friday Jan u ary 2023 8:04 pm pdt

I’ve had a lot of stomachache and PAIN and diarrhea that smells like vinegar. If you ever used vinegar, you will probably experience some stuff deteriorated because of it... 😭😱😞😖🥵😤it gives me a lot of fear. He is 😖😭😖😭😖😭😖😭🥵😤🥵😤 really destroying me. I have no real reason to believe that it’s for any other purpose than to kill me. A lot of times my throat has been dry especially the last 2 years. He is making me drink 🍺 it I believe. Like a doll 🧸. A puppet. I believe that is how he has been breaking down my bones 🦴. Was that usher? Sang so many ways to love you ... break you down.. oh my gosh I’m so inlove you make me wanna say oh oh oh oh. Didn’t realize until last year how demonic it sounds. Incubus and him are friends, right? On the voice together? 8:13 pm pdt. I almost have no moment now. I used to hold it and procrastinate going to the bathroom 🚽. It’s been continuously coming many times this week. I had a small break when I moved a few days ago to a worse location, same place though. 8:17 pm pdt

8:40 pm pdt I’m afraid 😱 of my new location. Too much high powered fast velocity stuff acidic pee not feng shway. 8:43 pm pdt. Incubus I heard likes to fake out a lot. incubus has probably made my whole life complicated and difficult to make and keep friends, even with relatives. He made me think 💭 I did the worse things in the world 🌎 and deserving of condemnation? Suicide crossed my mind several times. I was too scared 😱 though to follow through. That I would do it wrong. I had tried to prepare for in case something happened to me: I tried to minimize paper 📄 and I scanned a lot. And ironically I think I lost all of it??? When I ran away more than a year ago. But now we moved back in with relatives and it’s difficult again. Movers basically swindled us these last 2 times we moved. I have already told my mom that the furniture 🪑 needs to be moved first. It didn’t happen. Everything is disorderly and furniture is piled on top of the other. I caught 4 movers, 2 on each occasion doing bad stuff: moving light weight empty containers instead of the furniture 🪑. I talked as kindly as I could to him telling him he needs to move the heavy stuff, and the previous movers did a similar thing and even moved my shoes 👟 so I had no shoes 👟 to wear and had to borrow from my aunt. My mom and aunt let them off the hook 🪝 and my mom paid $1000 the previous time which they charged us a lot for a moving truck 🛻 we didn’t need because we only moved downstairs 😑. I think it would have been nice if the movers could have had a procedure that helps all their clients such as moving furniture 🪑 first. I literally am living in a fire 🔥 and earthquake 🌍 hazard now. We have away a dining table and a tall ikea hermes? Dresser to them without seeing what happened in the new apartment. 9:01 pm pdt my aunt and cousin moved first days ago but seem to be too busy with work to help much. It would have been nice if cousin helped more than pack a few boxes 📦, we probably could have gave her more money 💰 if she helped more. I don’t know 🤷🏻‍♀️ her well unfortunately bcz relationships have always been difficult for me - probably bcz of my Saint Lucia /chavah/Jesus/ apocalypse desolation curse. Please read previous posts. 9:06 pm pdt. I guess in this life Adam is the new god and divorced eve bcz the previous god said eve is bad bcz she ate his fruit without his permission. So instead of sharing the consequences and being kicked out of eden, he divorced eve. 9:09 pm pdt

so much for in sickness and I’m health through thick and thin. I also bought a guitar 🎸 from a white guy prob in his mid 40s married and lived in a 2 story house in scotts valley . I paid $600 for it stupidly. I looked it up a few years ago, not BEFORE buying it, and found out it’s only worth $200. I relied on my mother’s boyfriend at the time he found it on Craigslist and I trusted him with everything. And then he tried to get me to spend more money 💰 on it at a store 🏬 that makes it’s own guitars 🎸. He also looked like a white guy. I used to think white guys were so attractive and wanted to date them. I have not yet met one to fall in love with. I’ve fallen for a half white guy, at least once, maybe 2 times the same guy, but we didn’t survive an argument? He was usually hard to get, too, but whenever we hung out I 98% ? Of the time enjoyed his company even (pain 😖🥵😤😭 hot acidic in flesh front again ) though we never kissed or did anything sexual with each other and I used to believe that he would eventually be my man. But there always seemed to be some other woman 👩🏻 more worth his time Bcz he didn’t make many plans with me ahead of time. Whenever it seemed he was pushing me away he said stuff like someday “you will have blonde babies” he said something like that. And when my first real boyfriend broke up 🆙 with me he said something like “you will meet a handsome blonde guy soon.” I think that’s what I recall. These 2 guys know each other and we all went to the same high school 🏫. Weird similar themes. Both these guys are half Asian half white, but both have brown eyes and black hair. 9:25 pm pdt.

10:54 pm pdt time goes by fast 💨 everyday... when did I do scanning of my documents ? I did it I think 🤔 2014? Or 2015? Until early 2017? And I think I was thinking 🤔 about suicide 2015? And I was watching Inuyasha on Hulu while feeling like my life was over. Some people even commit suicide over grades I heard many years ago? I really believe that there is no heaven, now. (Gurgle? 😞) 10:59 pm pdt. I’ve always had pain in my life since I was a kid 👧 from scratching myself in my sleep making myself bloody 🩸 and scabbed up 🆙 up and down both legs 🦵 and arms when I was 6 or 7 years old, irritable bowels, and chronic eczema from 7/8 years old forward, and then this chronic bone 🦴 and muscle and flesh and eyeballs 👀 pain from ≈July/august 2017; and also occasional? pain (including whole body pain at least once) from 3 seasons of running 🏃🏻‍♀️ sports in high school 🏫 and whole body aches that made it difficult to move and breathe 🧘🏻‍♀️ December? 2014, I think I also remember feeling like an old person in probably 2013? And after my parents separated my mom once commented that I look 👀 like a sick old woman 👵 and she said I should get a hair cut 💇🏻‍♂️. When I was very young maybe 6 or 7 years old my grandma 👵 on my dads side took my hair and with her fingers she made a snip snip gesture and said snip snip. I’m not close to any of my relatives. Even the ones we had visited many times in SoCal. 11:11 pm pdt I heard this evening something about ecstasy, interesting. I cannot see maryka’s Instagram anymore. My mom canceled the home 🏠 internet. and she blocked my friend on Instagram. 11:14 pm pdt.

12:15 am pdt 14 Jan u ary 2023 Saturday

(12:27/8 am pdt note 📝 for 12:15 spiky sharp acidic pain in anus when was in bathroom 🚽 )

incubus is faking us out as apocalypse pestilence and faking us out again as if it is not???? Incubus does not like. He got back what he wanted from us. He swindled us out of our strength by making us wait. He will never let us have a happy life. 12:18 am pdt he has no intentions of anything resolving. He probably only has intentions of letting cases become cold 🥶 and unsolved. And innocent men will die in prison. Some innocent men live half their life time in prison before found innocent??? Some men who rape and murdered women with children 👶 say about themselves that they are good people???? How do we (pain 😖😭😤😫😩) know what is true? They confuse me. I don’t know if I can even believe in myself bcz they mess with me all my life. Even football 🏈 players are strong 💪? And wear helmets ⛑? But still! Are very affected by body collisions in the sport. I read once that we are still very affected by concussions and maybe 🤔 they said (gurgling a minute ago 😞bad signs 🪧) 12:28 am pdt unfailing love of god .... kings will forfeit? Their crowns 😭🤕 surrender their crowns. 🎹 I was advised to give up 🆙 the case against the incubus and Sierra Lamar stuff in consequence goes with surrendering to incubus. Bcz incubus is bad and powerful like god and Merlin 🧙‍♂️ king of kings = lord/god? A happy king 🤴 he is. 😑😵 12:33 am pdt Jesus is king 🤴 Jesus is lord Jesus is worthy= stuff found online and then n songs. (Gurgling 😞) 12:34 am pdt expect only weakening and death ☠️ bcz Godzilla incubus is a double crosser. Crossing a line is double crossing your wife. Et cetera. My own family won’t 👂 hear me out when I talk about stuff related to incubus like back in 2015 one-of my cousins started talking online to a guy she didn’t know. They were on webcam but he was sorta hiding himself behind a hat 🧢. I wrote a letter trying to tell her some of my experience of chatting online with guys you don’t know and at least 1 out of 2 was a liar 🤥. Please read previous posts? I might have to write more here. 12:40 am pdt both my cousin and aunt deleted my letter without reading 📖 it. I suspected incubus sent them vibes ? To delete it. 12:41 am pdt 12:56 am pdt I sent it via Facebook.

2:03 am pdt I am completely in the dark, out of the loop 🔁 , not part of the incubus’ plan. This diarrhea is non stop 🛑.😖😭😞 clan not plan. 2:05 am pdt

2:21 am pdt incubus will use the softness of your heart ♥️ to lie to you. He is cunning and conniving? His lies have no boundaries. It’s a trap 🪤. 2:22 am pdt

2:24 am pdt in the apocalypse the whore of Babylon falls. He will rob me of my legs 🦵. 2:25 am pdt he has been giving signs 🪧.

2:29 am pdt we are all connected in a circle ⭕️? A hoop ? That never ends?? 🎶🎼🎵There’s probably an end. Dominos?? There’s a very loud thunderous sound been going all night. I cannot believe no one has complained. It’s the second? Time I heard 👂 it. It’s eerie and frightening. Everything and everyone is strange. God is a grater? Beer is good??? People are crazy. 🎶🎼🎵. Gurgling 😞2:35 am pdt

2:44 am pdt incubus wants me scared 😱 of everything. And doesn’t like it when I write ✍️ type or talk. He makes me feel guilt about everything. He gave signs 🪧 he might throw a car 🚗 at me, make a train 🚊 derail if I ride it, but he’s eating 🍽 away at all the hard materials in my bones 🦴 with vinegar and fire 🔥... lake of fire 🔥. I’m not 23, (but sumner is???) and I’m probably in the verge of spontaneous combustion woe is me 🎵🎼🎶😞 hans Christian Anderson?? Little mermaid 🧜‍♀️. Anderson elementary school 🏫. Everything has been decided before conception. Aries ♈️ ram 🐏 = Japanese 🇯🇵 “r” pronunciation like “L”. Sacrificial lamb 🐑 of Abel. Anne ? Or Anna? Was virgin Mary’s mother’s name I learned last year I think 🤔. My mom’s name is Annabel. And virtu is part of my grandmas maiden name. A lot of psychology to keep me quiet? 🤐 or to keep other sacrificial lambs quiet and complacent? As they weaken. Song of Christians Jesus is defender of the weak. 🎶🎼🎵😞 my middle name is my mom’s maiden name which is like nature’s bathtub 🛁. 2:54 am pdt in the apocalypse it tricks you into thinking rams will be saved when they aren’t. In my dads old dictionary it says goats 🐐 mean lecherous man 👨. Today it means greatest of all time. So I’ve been tricked. And so have many others. 2:56 am pdt god is incubus to Virgin Mary . Incubus is lecherous rapist murderer pestilence. God likes things the way they are, status quo. He prefers white peoples over Philippinos and Asians, but he needs only some of them. During COVID disproportionately??? More philippinos have died in California??? Was it? Sam Diego article. 2:59 am pdt incubus does not prefer Filipino but he will use them so he will make them pay 💰 high prices for concert tickets 🎫 probably when they are still relatively third world 🌎 country? Last time I went you still have to bring your own toilet paper 🧻 with you even at the nice new mall, and he will tell them sweet NOTHINGS. 3:01 am pdt

3:07 am pdt I don’t know much about the Philippines 🇵🇭 they have a lot more conveniences now, but it still in some way retains a sort of third world 🌎 feel? There a lot of dirt roads still, maybe shacks? I’m not sure now. More reading 📖 to do if this diarrhea ever stops. I’m pushing my luck now. 3:10 am pdt haughty? unfortunately?. 😞 3:10 am pdt

3:31 am pdt 3:33 am pdt he did it again to the time. Skipped a minute. Please read previous posts and watch his music videos. You will see why I believe this. 3:34 am pdt

3:37 am pdt can a rose 🌹 rose 🥀 by any other name smell 👃 Hana as sweet? ... Juliet is in the east, and Juliet is the sun 🌞 ouch hot 🥵 don’t want to be the sun ☀️ 😭😰 Susanna ... su... close. I can not trust anyone yet I’m typing 💬 all this. 3:41 ehi = pee. Everything is a con I don’t like it 😭😖😭 3:42 am pdt too big = water 💦. 3:43 am pdt gurgled 🥺😞😖😭 it won’t stop! 🛑 3:43 am pdt 3:45 am pdt god = pain.

3:52 am pdt I feel sorrow. I have had a lonely bitter painful life. It will never get better, I will never be well. If I do have a biological child s/he will probably be sacrificed very soon. I anticipate nothing good from those fiends. 3:54 am pdt 3:56 am pdt that or they have actors pretending. They are always pretending. I hate it. Making me believe this then trying to make me believe that. I’m tired. Extremely disappointed that I feel it the sorrow. 😭. I at some point in my life I was afraid to be alone like dad. So I tried too hard to like som people. Some people I think I start liking them and then my feelings changed to the point of feeling sick 🤒🤕😵 when I try to like them again. 4:01 am pdt

4:43 4:44 am pdt also bcz of all my problems I rarely wear makeup 💄. So maroon 5 sugar is not a romantic song 🎵 for me. 4:45 am pdt in the beginning I think incubus tried to trick me , 2017, and sorta when it came out with the music video bcz my dads bday is around the day that’s printed at the beginning of the music video gurgled I’m doomed. I’m not okay! Either. 😵 4:47 am pdt

5:11 am pdt this vinegar they keep putting in me is probably not good for all parts of the body. I anticipate dying soon 🔜. 5:12 am pdt

5:12 am pdt there was a time in my life I really wanted a best friend. Someone once kept telling me we were best friends but I could not consistently reciprocate the feelings. When she said it though I don’t think we hung out that much. I m not sure if she was being honest anymore at that time. She had a lot of friends. There was one woman she seemed very affectionate 🤗 to and she seemed to reciprocate without being lesbians but close? I guess? A lot of best friends are probably like that without crossing that line. And then she found a new woman 👩🏻 to hang out with, then that friend of hers confided in me and another that she felt she was being shut out and what she should do. All I could think of saying was maybe it is time to hang out with more people. 😬😵 feelings are fickle. Unfortunately. And later on the other woman told me that she Had started dating that woman. So essentially, she probably was being shut out, a third wheeler she became. 5:20 am pdt.

5:45 am pdt b4 that woman tried her new lesbian relationship, we had both expressed interest in the same guy. We at the time 5:56 am pdt

5:58 am pdt I don’t trust a lot of people now . I don’t trust people I don’t know 🤷🏻‍♀️ and that’s basically everyone now. Trust is earned. 😞 sometimes I want to trust but if I see something feel something experienced something then, you know. Maybe 🤔 my flaw was I trusted the wrong people too easily. 6:01 am pdt continued: we didn’t tell one another to back off. But I didn’t exactly stand in her way if she wanted to take a picture with him, I let her, we took turns. Then she says she wants to do an artsy company with another guy 😭 and that’s how I ended up 🆙 with Sagittarius ♐️ incubus’ friend Scott (gurgled). 6:04 am pdt

6:21 am pdt I told her we had s*x (gurgled & heard 👂) 6:23 #3

10:25 pm pdt god enlightens who he wants to enlighten. God gives strength to who he wants. God gives and takes away. Nothing is impossible with god. If you know, you know. Sometimes? You don’t know until it’s too late. A lot of movies/tv shows back in the day used to have stuff in it such as a line that sounded like “now that I’ve told now I have to kill you” #3 gurgle 😵 10:29 pm pdt

[call-me-doll-face]

So recently, I went through what I THOUGHT was going to be the hardest part of my life. I thought my 3 month old baby was going to die.

He caught three different diseases all at once, didn't show any symptoms, and stopped breathing. I wanted to freeze. I wanted to stop breathing with him. I was terrified, but I'm a mother. I'm HIS mother so I did what nobody else in the house could. I put my mouth over his little nose and mouth and I gave cpr until first responders arrived.

After 100 and some minutes of resuscitation (which I was told an adult wouldn't usually survive through) he miraculously lived. The damage was extensive, but he is a fighter.

No, the worst part is what came after.

Him and my four other children got removed from the home. Now I know what you're thinking, believe me, I do. I've thought the same thing a million times. It's taken me so long to be able to sit here and tell you that I wasn't a bad mom.

I've never done drugs. I've never beat my children. I've never put them in danger. However, I did neglect them.

After an entire years worth of awful events piled on top of each other, I lost. I fought so so hard, but I didn't win.

I started zoloft before I even had my baby because I knew I had a history of post partum with all my other pregnancies. I had thought that it was working because I felt so much better, how could it not be?

I stopped being the fun mom. I stopped wanting to go outside to play with my children. I stopped wanting to leave my bed.

My hair would go unbrushed for weeks. I was too exhausted to even shower, so I'd sit in the tub and let the water run over me....

Then the panic attacks came. I would wake up panicking thinking my baby wasn't breathing. I would have to hold him with my hand on his chest for hours. Even though I could feel him breathing, my brain told me he wasn't.

I got to where I couldn't put him down. I couldn't put him in his own bed, or leave him in his swing or anything in case I were to leave and he'd stop breathing again.

I lost sleep. A lot of it. The sleep I did get didn't even do anything for me. I'd wake up even more exhausted.

My therapist made a house visit. She said that day had been the deciding factor. My husband had been working non stop all week then sleeping as soon as he got home. The oldest kids were sick. I was sick.

She said she didn't even think I was there. I was just existing, going through the motions. I wasn't living.

Looking back now, as much as I hate the kids got moved, I know it needed to be done. I know it's temporary and they will be back soon. I know they are safe with family and I now have the time to take care of myself so that I can take care of THEM better.

I didn't realize then that I had been slipping. I had been slipping so fast I didn't even realize it until I was drowning. I know that I'm a mother and that comes before all else, but I'm also human, and sometimes us humans need a very hard push in the right direction.

I feel like I was pushed off the cliff. I was free falling and thought I was going to die at first. But then my family, my parachute saved me. I am thankful for every single person that has checked on me, helped me, and supported me.

Mental illness is no joke. Please hug your family and friends. Please check on them and don't listen to the bullshit lie that they're fine. PLEASE be supportive and don't shame them if they decide to take medicine for it . Don't judge someone for the way they learn to cope with the shitty hand life has dealt them.

Be compassionate, have empathy, love and embrace one another.

I love you all.

#tw depressing stuff #kinda depressing #sorry for being depressing #tw depressing thoughts #parenting #my babies #sad thoughts #angst #slight angst #anxious #anxienty #this is a pain in the ass #writing #exerpts from a book i'll never write

[1d-discourseoftheday]

Mon 11 Jan ‘21

Turns out there is no Zayn zoom call, it was faked by fans, but Zayn heard us all crying about just wanting to hear him talking and did one better anyway; he tweeted a phone number (1 323 991-ZAYN) for us ALL to call him! The number has a recording of Zayn (“yo Zayn heah!” yesss thank you) inviting us to press numbers between 1 and 9 to hear a preview of the 9 songs on the album that we have not yet heard so we can GET EXCITED and pick our faves. And then after you call it “he” sends you a fully skeezy text asking for your deets “so we can stay in touch” so if you ever dreamed about Zayn sliding into your DMs here's your chance to pretend (in a more wholesome way than faking it to make other fans feel bad.)

Spotify restored the “This is Louis Tomlinson” playlist (he finally got one when Walls came out and he had enough solo songs, but then it quickly disappeared, until now)- Spotify says “we made it! sorry this took so long to fix” which explains nothing but there ya go. An intrepid detective connected the dots between an old picture of Dianna Agron from Glee in the Pride tent at 2019 Glastonbury with the picture of Louis from Glasto that was found a year after the fact (on some guy's tinder)-- he was also in the big rainbow colored gay tent. And present day Louis (today!) liked a post that was both inspirational and about football, regular Louis catnip; “Really moving! Best of luck to him!” he said about the guy's story.

Lottie apparently felt like riling up the fandom today and ran a “favorite fruit” emoji poll which, I'm not saying Harry OWNS FRUIT now or anything but she sure wasn't steering away from people going there, least of all when she commented oooh gosh kiwis sure seem popular how about that, or when she then said her favorite 1D song was “I have loved you since we were 18” against a cherry backdrop, and Veeps pulled it back from a typo on a post about Liam singing a 1D fave with an excellent “cause you make me Trong” follow up post.

Meanwhile even the entertainment press, desperate to make sense of it all, are plaintively asking “So who should we believe?” in headlines about the Holivia timeline and posting whole articles about the contradictions; when Harry said “time is irrelevant” in his 2015 song 'Olivia' he was sending a message to the future about exactly this, clearly! Tragically the hilarious 'Harry turns detective to try to puzzle out who told the press about Holivia' angle seems to have been dropped, though presumably not for being too stupid to believe because, well...*gestures...*

#zayn #louis tomlinson #harry styles #liam payne #santiago receipts are flying which is all fun and games except I would like to join in with the chorus of voices once again reminding you #that Luis is Harry's PA and that is certainly who Luis Lime is in the fruit coded room assignments #(not that harry owns fruit) #the question was also raised of whether it was Luis in the video from the hotel which is for sure possible #(the fact that the person is actually carrying bags does mean it would be deep subterfuge if it was Louis lol) #but ultimately who cares? it seems like Louis was in Santiago even without that and even if he wasn't like... they're together #these little specifics don't really matter. that's anti logic that saying they are is based on things like videos #there's years worth of things piled on top of each other and of them TELLING US so coming right up to the present- THAT'S why #not because someone might or might not have slipped here or there #11 jan 21