#tw slight self harm

[charlottesbookclub]

Clean (General Armitage Hux)

Summary: Armitage has a particularly rough day and takes a depression shower about it

Warnings/Tags: Hux-centric (no pairing), angst, stress, memories of child abuse, Hux works too much, did I mention angst?, body image issues, insecurities, maybe just very slight SH implications?, ANGST (let me know if I missed anything!)

Words: 1,162

Author’s Note: apparently I'm on a roll with producing Hux content recently! This is just a short little fic building off a headcanon I wrote about in this post. It's an idea I've had for a while and just finally wrote it down. Hope you all enjoy even tho it's super frickin angsty and kinda sad!

(oh and the lines from Br*ndol are from the Hux comic and I think Empire's End?)

            The faint beep his door emitted as it recognized his credentials and zipped open for him sounded almost heavenly to Armitage. He barely made it into his chambers before he collapsed back against the now-closed door, sliding down until he was seated on the floor. He rested his arms on his bent-up knees, folding himself down as small as was possible given his height. There was a strange tightness in his throat, and not the kind caused by the unseeable grip of the damned Force. The passing thought of that frivolous magic snapped him back to himself, and he pushed up off of the floor in one fluid movement, knowing that if he slowed or hesitated at all, his exhausted body would decide that he would be sleeping unceremoniously slumped against his door.

            It had been a long cycle. Or was it two cycles? How long had it been since he had last rested? He shook his head minutely, trying to clear the fog of weariness that had finally allowed itself to settle in his mind. His chambers were dark except for the pale light of the stars creeping in through the large windows. He didn’t bother turning a light on. Instead, he made his way slowly to the refresher, discarding items of clothing one by one, each seeming to represent a problem that he wished he could cast off as easily as his uniform.

            First, the gloves – Ren destroying another expensive control panel. Greatcoat next – an unfortunate meeting with Snoke that left his project on a much tighter timeline than he had originally planned. One boot kicked to the side, then the other – the knowing glances cast between former Imperial officers on the bridge, sharing some joke he wasn’t privy to. His uniform top – the endless forms needing his approval and signature. The light undershirt next – the constant pinging of his comlink and datapad with requests for his time. Then his trousers – useless meetings with more insufferable Imperial veterans who just wanted to feel as though they were still valuable by giving outdated advice. Finally, his undergarments and socks – the biting headache that has been festering behind his eyes for the past… well… however many cycles it had been.

            Hux reached the refresher and didn’t bother to turn that light on either. Instead, he stepped directly into the dark-tiled shower and turned the hot water to its full capacity. Normally, he limited himself to cold showers. He felt they were more effective at waking him up – or, more often than not, freshening him up since actual sleep was something of a rarity for the general. Either way, despite the fact that his rank gave him unlimited access to hot water, he rarely indulged in the luxury. Right now though, it was what he needed more than anything.

            Steam filled the refresher, indicating that the water had reached a suitable temperature, and Armitage stepped under the current, nearly gasping at the shocking heat. For a moment, he could think of nothing else but the nearly unbearable warmth of the water as it coursed over his skin. When he had gotten somewhat habituated to the temperature on his body, he dipped his head into the stream and hissed as the water cut almost-scalding rivulets through his hair. After a few moments of exposure, his body became desensitized to the intense heat. He was left with a welcome warmth seeping into every fiber of his being. He began releasing tension he wasn’t even conscious of as the hot water unspooled it from his coiled muscles. His pristinely coiffed hair was soaked into damp strands, the gel dissolving and relinquishing its hold on his orange locks. For a few glorious moments, his mind was blissfully blank. He thought of nothing, simply absorbing the sensation of the hot water against his skin in the dark shower.

            They always crept back in though – the voices, the thoughts. What a waste of resources. How frivolous. How useless. Hux gritted his teeth then, hearing his father’s despised voice ring in his ears: “I’ve yet to find anything that Armitage isn’t utterly useless at.” He was glad he couldn’t make out much of his body in the steam-filled darkness of the refresher. He knew his pale skin was turning a humiliating shade of pink – both from the heat and from the unwanted memories. And he was thin. Scrawny. “Thin as a slip of paper and just as useless.” Armitage pressed his fist against the cool wall of the shower, putting enough force behind it that his knuckles began to hurt. Anything to drive his father’s words from his mind. As the insults and memories faded, Hux heaved a sigh. He exchanged his fist against the tile for his forehead, the press of the cold black stone bringing him back to reality. Despite his face no longer being under the current of water, he nevertheless felt warm liquid slipping down his cheeks. He scrubbed at his face with his hand, assuring himself it was nothing but beads of condensation, and situated himself back under the stream.

            He allowed himself just a few more fleeting moments under the warm water, trying to let it sap the last of the stress from his body, even though he wasn’t sure that was even possible at this point. Tension had settled deep into his bones and made itself at home there, untouchable even by the calming hands of heat that spilled over his body. Before he lost his nerve and stayed in the shower for the rest of eternity, he snapped the water off and was left suddenly shivering as the cool air of the refresher began to prick his skin. Stepping out of the shower, he wrapped himself in a robe. He caught a quick glance in the mirror, but any glimpse of his body was mercifully obscured by both the darkness and the steam collected on the reflective surface. He didn’t want to be reminded of his weak constitution now, not when he had only just banished his father’s unwelcome words.

            He stepped back out into the main room of his quarters, letting the pale starlight guide him as he inched his way carefully along the trail of discarded clothing items, collecting them as he went. On his way to his bed, he placed each in their assigned places: uniform and undergarments in the chute that connected directly to the ship’s central laundry facility, greatcoat carefully arranged on a hanger in his sparse closet, boots lined up neatly next to the door. That done, Armitage allowed himself to sink into bed, pulling the covers over his chilled body. He was almost ready to give into his aching head and sore body, to just allow himself to fall into the oblivion of sleep. Then a shrill ping interrupted that futile dream. He rolled over, pulling his datapad into bed with him to check the notification. He could always rest after responding to this message.

#charlotte writes #armitage hux #armitage hux fanfiction #armitage hux headcanon #hux #general hux #general hux fanfic #general hux headcanon #hux headcanon #tw mention of child abuse #tw body image #tw slight self harm

[dxmurei]

another out of context look into Deced’s past :D

#runes!dem #RunesSMP #deced #oc #my art #tw slight self harm

[a-confused-wizard]

"Be good to your wives, give them what they need. And the kingdom of heaven will be at hand" - Good old Revs Putty

#what im trying to say is #I CAN TREAT HER RIGHT #CLAY AND DUMBASS PAPERMOUTH CAN FUCK OFF #tw self harm #tw slight nudity #tw bloberta puppington #bloberta puppington #bloberta hymentact #moral orel #my art #i wanna look inside her brain and shake it around like snow globe #fanart #moral orel fanart

[canonically-a-genloser]

man.

randy who played guitar because the pain from the metal strings was enough to distract him from life. randy who played guitar for his boyfriend and realizing the strings didn't hurt anymore and he didn't need them to. randy who didn't quit playing when showfall took him and his husband. randy who played guitar and sang with his four year old son while his other son and zombified husband watched. randy who couldn't force himself to touch a guitar after showfall took his kids and permakilled his husband. randy who escaped with rgb and eventually taught ranboo how to play a guitar after not touching one for ten years.

ranboo who learned how to play just as well as randy had been able to.

#this is about post escape rgb plus randy lives au #slight self harm tw #im thinking things

[emo-metalhead-punki]

⚠ Warning ⚠

S3lf HaЯm/Blood/Slight-Vent

I was inspired by "scar tissue" by red hot chili peppers, but i'll be okay soon,

Scar Tissue

♬"Scar tissue that i wish you saw

Sarcastic mister know-it-all

Close your eyes and i'll kiss you,

Cause with the birds i'll share"♬

#wii deleted you oc #fanart #myartstyle #art #digital art #my art #artwork #drawing #slight vent #cw blood #tw self harm #artists on tumblr #Spotify

[sardonic-the-writer]

One hundered and forty three days of persevering. Holy shit. Here's to one hundered and forty three fucking more

#more of a serious post #i just checked this app #holy shit #tw mentions of self harm #tw #slight tw

[sweetcreaturetm]

Steddie to the tune of Maple Syrup by the Backseat Lovers

~~~I still have your picture on the wall

I still have the nightmares

Where I would have to call you to calm down

I still think about you all the time

When I step out of the shower I'm reminded of the night

When we slept in the back of your car

And you left me with a pretty cool scar~~~

It’s 3am and Steve stares at his mirror in the light from his lamp. Well the Polaroid on the mirror to be precise. It’s him and Eddie, arms around each other. Steve in Eddie’s vest and jacket and Eddie in one of Steve’s obnoxiously pastel sweaters. A purple one. He remembers that day they could not stop laughing at Nancy in Robins clothes. Why they decided to swap clothes with their other halves he can’t remember. But he laughs at the memory anyway.

It had been almost 2 years since made it in time to pick Eddie up beaten and bloodied and carry him on his back. About a year and a half since he and Eddie started calling each other to help with the nightmares. Over a year since they became inseparable. And one month and 3 days since they… well.. separated.

Then he remembers the sadness. He feels tears start to build up in his eyes. He remembers why he’s even awake at this ungodly hour. The nightmare. Is it still a nightmare when it’s heartbreak and not fear? He thinks so. It’s always about Eddie now. They used to be about a variety of the traumas he’d been through; the monster that started this, Billy, the Russians, and especially Vecna, more to the point him stumbling on Eddie’s lifeless body. He used to dream that he didn’t get there in time. Those were the ones he would call Eddie for. The reason they fell in love, their middle of the night phone calls. But now the nightmares are different. He still wakes up crying but for a different reason. He wishes he had never agreed to go to Indy with Robin when he thought Eddie was spending the day with Wayne. Now he dreams of seeing Eddie’s fucking van with Eddie and someone he didn’t know. He can’t stop seeing the stupid fucking van. Seeing Eddie laughing with some asshole in his van. Seeing Eddie’s stupid fucking face drop when he sees Steve seeing him in Indy with someone who was very much not his uncle. Someone with a dumb wife beater shirt on that he’d definitely heard of. Christ he needs to stop. He needs to stop fucking crying.

He presses his hands into his eyes. Hard enough he’s seeing those black and white wavy lines when he opens them again. A shower usually calms him down. Clears his mind. Which is exactly what he needs right now. His parents aren’t home. Haven’t been for months now so he doesn’t have to worry about waking anyone.

He starts it as scorching as he can get it. It’s as close to burning that he can stand it might be a little more than he can stand truthfully. It itches. And he scratches as hard as he can. When he stops the scratch marks throb. He loves the feeling. Then when he gets adjusted he flips the knob to freezing. It shocks his system. He feels a rush like maybe this is hurting him. Like maybe he’s doing damage to his already damaged body.

Once out he reaches for a towel to dry off. He runs it over his skin taking in his various scars. His eyes catch on a particular one on his knee. Who would have thought he would have a favorite scar.

Before he can stop himself he’s plunged into a memory. He and Eddie are giggling to themselves as the load the van with pillows and blankets. They’re smoking and drinking in the woods with the doors open to the cool fall air. Neither of them are scared of the woods anymore. Not with the other by their side at least. They’re laughing about something he’s finding it hard to remember. They kiss and they laugh until they decide to close the doors. He’s crawling up to Eddie back against the seats of the van. He’s trying to be sexy and it seems to be working. If Eddie’s face is anything to go off of. He’s smirking but definitely turned on. Eyes sparkling if a little glassy from the weed. When Steve feels a shooting pain on his knee. Looks down to see a stupid random dnd character with a sword Eddie had painstakingly painted to look covered in blood now covered in the real stuff jammed in his knee. With his weed high IQ of 10 he decides to rip it out causing his skin to rip further. He laughs which of course makes Eddie laugh. The cut was jagged and rough but they just bandaid it and call it good they’ve got more important things to do. The first aid kit was in Steve’s car they were lucky to have even found a bandaid in Eddie’s van anyway.

Back in reality he runs his finger over the scar. Still a little surprised it healed so badly. Maybe if they had actually cared about it that night it could have been helped. But he didn’t care that night and he still didn’t care now. It was a permanent mark that he had been happy. That they had been happy. That they had laughed together and loved each other.

He sighs. The shower had been a waste of fucking time of course. His mind was as full of thoughts as before. It seems these days he can’t stop thinking about everything. Even the old stuff. When he was with Eddie the thoughts about how unlovable he was were gone. They vanished the moment Eddie looked at him and told Steve how he felt about him. He never should have believed him.

He gives up on the day before it even starts. He lays in bed while he waits for a reasonable time in the morning. Then he calls Robin to say he won’t be in at work and hangs up before she can ask him how he is. She knows the answer is bad. The answer is always really fucking bad. He tosses and turns tries to sleep but fights it too. It hurts. It really fucking hurts. Not the scars or his eyes or his most recent scratch marks still red and irritated. But his heart. His chest is filled with pain and he just wants it to stop.

The next day after not hearing from him Robin comes over lets herself in with her key that was supposed to be for emergencies. He guessed maybe it was seeing as he hadn’t eaten or drank anything for a couple days. She knew he was bad but maybe not this bad. He cries when she crawls in bed with him. She says “Steve, this is it. I can’t let you do this anymore. We cry tonight and tomorrow we get up and eat and drink and get better”

“How?” he questions “how do I get better”

“I don’t know but were gonna throw everything we got and see what sticks” she tries for light but he knows she’s serious.

~~~Your purple sweater's sitting in my room

I tried to wear it, but I knew that it would smell like you

I saw you dancing at the show tonight

I stood in the back

And I think that we both know why

And I lied

When I took you on a drive

And I said I'd never speak to her

Wish I would have kept my word~~~

Eddie sits on his bed and he’s sobbing but hasn’t realized it yet. He just got home and ran to his room slamming the door not caring if Wayne was home. He had been dragged out to some place on the outskirts of town that Gareth told him some local Indy bands were gonna be playing at. Something, anything to get him out of his house. But that’s where he saw Steve.

It had been one month and 11 days since he had seen him in Indy. He doesn’t think he will ever get Steve’s face out of his head. At first it had been surprise but when his gaze panned to Eddie’s passenger it turned sour, betrayal and sadness overcoming him. Eddie had frozen. He didn’t know what to do how to explain himself. He wishes he would have kept his word.

His mind jumps to the memory of his promise. The one where he told Steve about Rick his toxic bordering on abusive ex. someone he told Steve he would never see again. Not on purpose for his part. He had only gone to his house when the Chrissy thing happened because he knew Rick was locked up. He told Steve about the disgusting things Rick would say and sometimes do to him and then the gifts he would give Eddie and say he was sorry and it wouldn’t happen again. About Rick’s stupid seashell necklace and eternal wife beater shirt he never took off.

It started when Rick sold some weed to Eddie. The next time Eddie came asking Rick said he could make him a deal if he caught his drift. Eventually they were trading rough almost hateful sex for drugs on the regular but eventually that wasn’t enough for Rick so he had Eddie start his own dealing. Rick had this pull that Eddie couldn’t get out of. He had tried so many times. They would end things but Rick would end up on Eddie’s makeshift porch with some stupid bullshit gift and a sweet nothing and Eddie would be right back where he started. Eddie told Steve how much of a spell Rick had over him how he was scared to face him again because he was like a magnet Eddie couldn’t resist. Much to Wayne’s dislike. Not for his sexuality, which had surprised Eddie a little, but of Rick. Wayne always told Eddie he could do better than that lowlife. Hell he was right he managed to snag himself Steve Fucking Harrington. Before he blew it to shit.

He remembers Steve kissing him and comforting him. Telling Eddie that he would never say anything like that to him and he would never touch him like that in a hurting way. Eddie didn’t think other than monsters or Russians Steve was even built for a bad touch anymore. He knew about his past with Jonathan and Billy to Eddie those were justified but even Steve had said he had regretted it so much.

Shaking himself out of it he realizes he’s been crying for at least a few minutes. He breathes deep and tries to stop. He glances around his room his eyes landing on Steve’s purple sweater. He had been denying himself of wearing it. He didn’t want to lose the Steve smell. The fancy shampoo and Farrah Fawcett hairspray he was still using. The slightly musky cologne Steve wore. The scent was slightly marred by his own tobacco smell after they swapped clothes that day. He smiles a bit at the memory but it doesn’t last. It wasn’t his most Steve smelling item that was the yellow sweater in a box in the top of the closet. So he grants himself permission to touch the purple sweater. After all it’s close enough to grab off his dresser. He holds it in his hands and up to his nose and inhales the sweet musky smell. It’s relieving to smell. He can’t believe there was a time when he didn’t have a limit on smelling Steve he just knew it would be there forever.

He thinks about the Steve he saw at the bar. He was slightly skinnier maybe that was his imagination. Maybe he just knew Steve had been punishing himself again as if he should be the one who needed to be punished. He knew he hadn’t seen Steve’s car at his job when his usual shifts were. He knew he probably wasn’t leaving his house. Even when Eddie did see Steve at his job he didn’t do anything. Say anything. Eddie as always was a fucking coward. He definitely saw his hollower cheekbones and he hates himself for it. He hated himself for hurting Steve. He watched Steve dance with his eyes closed a hint of a smile on his face and a beer in his hand. He looked almost peaceful dancing to the music. Eddie had stayed in the back not wanting to even make Steve aware of his presence. He just watched as the music played. But then the bands changed and Steve opened his eyes. Luckily he didn’t see Eddie. He kept watching as he rolled his head on his neck and stretched a bit. What Eddie didn’t see was Robin. She had seen him walk in immediately. With her and Steve’s bizarre connection she was probably acutely aware of anything that might hurt him. And seeing Eddie would definitely be on that list. She had probably dragged Steve out, bribed him with a drink and some music and probably wasn’t expecting Eddie to walk in it wasn’t his usual crowd for sure.

She cornered him at the back of the bar. “What the fuck are you doing here?” She angrily questions him.

“I didn’t know he would be here. Gareth dragged me out here. I’ve been torturing myself as much as he has I can tell you that” he rebuts.

She scoffs “I highly doubt that. You know him you know how bad he can get? Why drag me into it? 'Distract him this one day, Robin' so I do and how did that work out?”

He sighs and rubs his head “I never wanted to hurt him. I never meant for this. I need to talk to him to explain-“

She cuts him off “you’re not talking to him here or anywhere, coward I do see you drive by every day. Even when he’s there you don’t stop. He sees you too just so you know.”

“You’re right I am a coward does that satisfy you to know that I hate myself?” he’s raising his voice a touch to distract from the wobble in his voice.

She glares at him then sighs, “No Eddie it doesn’t satisfy me. It makes me so fucking sad. I want you to both be happy. Like how things were”

He fakes a laugh “well things aren’t how they used to be now are they?” he raises his hands in question when he sees him again. Steve is staring at them over the crowd. Robins head shoots Steve’s direction.

She looks back to Eddie “if you don’t get your ass out of here I’m going to scream and who you think people will believe? Huh? Me or you?” she looks a little sick after saying it. Like she doesn’t want to but would do anything to protect Steve.

He raises his hands in surrender and looks back to Steve who just looks like his heart is breaking all over again. Eddie backs out and leaves. Like he always does.

In his room smelling Steve’s shirt. He makes a deduction. He’s going to talk to Steve. He’s going to tell him what happened and no matter what he’s not gonna run again.

~~~

Something wakes Steve up the day after he saw Eddie again. His brain was still a little fuzzy. He’d asked Robin to give him a word for word recollection of their conversation. He tries not to flinch when she tells him what she said to make him leave. He proceeded to drink four more beers before Robin cut him off. He was already pretty buzzed when he had seen Eddie anyway. Didn’t even think he was seeing him for real. He thought maybe he was hallucinating him. He can’t even remember getting home. He figures Robin had gotten them home. His assumption confirmed by the note on his nightstand with a bottle of pills, a granola bar, and a glass of water. It reads “got your shift covered Dingus. Take the pills, eat the bar, drink the water and come hang when you’re up and around.” But he’s suddenly shaken from his thoughts when someone bangs on his door. Oh yeah he thinks something had woken up from his sleep it’s still early. He looks at his clock 7:23am it reads. He downs the pills and water. The food can wait.

He throws on some old athletic shorts and an old sweater “Be right there” he calls when the person bangs on the door again. It’s probably Dustin. Though he should probably be in school winter break isn’t for a few weeks.

He swings it wide open and rubs his eyes. It’s Eddie. Of course it’s Eddie. But he’s shocked. Why is he here? Why now?

“Hi” Eddie does a little wave. Steve goes to close the door “wait wait!” Eddie reaches out and holds the door keeping it open.

Steve sighs shakily “what do you want Eds?” the nickname slipping out unintentionally.

Eddie seems to notice he smiles a bit “I need to explain. I’m done running. Remember?”

With a slow nod he lets Eddie into the house. He leads them to the living room though too embarrassed to let Eddie see the state of his room right now. Steve sits on one end of the couch. Silently hoping Eddie will sit close to him like he used to. But he doesn’t. He sits at the other end as far as he can get on the same couch. Steve makes a motion with his hand which Eddie takes to mean he should start talking.

“I miss you.” Is all Eddie can say?

Steve sighs and rubs his hands over his face. “Is that it?”

Eddie shakes his head “No, I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry.”

Steve just looks at him. He doesn’t know what to say. “I don’t know what you want Eddie.”

“I just want you to listen. Please?” he’s speaking softly like he doesn’t want to break Steve.

Steve nods for him to continue. “Okay I’m listening.”

He takes a deep breath “I want you to know I love you, I never stopped. I think no matter what I always will.” He continues “I didn’t mean to see Rick I promise”

“How can I believe that when you lied to me about where you were and he was in your fucking van Eddie?” Steve raises his voice

“I didn’t really lie, baby” Steve shoots him a look at the pet name Eddie goes on “sorry, it’s just. Habit. I was with Wayne. We were in Indy together. I made him go with me to get something for you. And then he made me stop so he could run into some store and” he sighs “stupid fucking rick came knocking on the van door. He was in before I even knew who it was.”

Steve looked at him questioningly and asks “it didn’t look like that. You were laughing. Your real laugh not even that fake ass laugh you do for the kids”

“Would you believe me if I said we were talking about you?” Eddie asks.

Steve gapes at him

“I know how it sounds trust me.” Eddie raises his hands in surrender “but, it’s true. He came in told me he’d heard about me crashing at his place wanted to know what that was all about. I made up some shit I really just wanted him out of the van.”

“So the laughing?” Steve urges him.

“Well, he asked what I had going. What I was doing up in Indy. So I told him” Eddie says suddenly shy.

Steve is so confused “I don’t get it. What were you doing:”

“I was buying you something.” Eddie says plainly.

“Just fucking tell me what happened Eddie. Please” Steve almost whispers.

Eddie stands suddenly pacing around the room almost making Steve dizzy.

“I just want you to know this wasn’t how I planned this” Eddie blurts he’s standing in front of Steve. He kneels. Steve’s eyes are probably wide as saucers.

Eddie pulls out a small box. A ring box.

“Steve-“

Steve stands up onto the couch almost falling over the back. “Eddie what the fuck??”

Eddie stands to steady Steve “Baby, this is what I went to Indy for. I asked Wayne to help me pick it out I also asked robin to distract you. I probably should have given her more to go on but that’s my fault.” He shrugs. Eddie tries to pull Steve down and with a little trying he gets him to sit back down.

“So this was your big joke?” Steve chokes out “the funny thing you and Rick were laughing about? You and me?”

Eddie gapes at him now “Steve no. This is not a joke to me it’s the most serious I’ve ever been. Ever. I told rick I was getting a ring. That I was gonna ask you to marry me. And he asked if I was for real. He didn’t believe me. He said I wasn’t good enough for you. That’s what made me laugh. Because I know we’re perfect together. Perfect for each other.” He’s got tears in his eyes now. He goes on though “but then I saw you. I saw your face. I kicked rick out but it was too late you were driving away. My brain stopped I tried to drive after you but then I remembered Wayne.”

Steve takes a breathy inhale “why didn’t you come home? To me? To explain?”

Eddie sighs and points at his head “Coward. Remember?”

Steve reaches for his hand and pulls it into his lap. “You’re not a coward anymore. Remember” he says in the same tone as Eddie had.

Eddie sets the box on the couch next to Steve and puts his other hand on Steve’s face. “I’m sorry I didn’t come straight to you. The whole way back I thought about what I would say and what you’d say and I psyched myself up too much.” He goes on “Baby, I love you so much I never want to spend another day without you. And I know we can’t get married for real but for me this is real. As real as any paper can say.” He drops his face to hide it from Steve.

Steve uses his free hand to pick up Eddies chin. “It’s real to me too Eds” he whispers. He brings their foreheads together. They breathe in each other for a moment. Before Steve pulls him in for a kiss. Deepening it when Eddie sighs into it. The pull apart and Steve gets a chance to look at the ring. Its plain gold its slimmer and more subtle than his father’s gaudy old thing. He loves it.

Eddie whispers “it’s engraved on the inside” he pulls the ring of its box to show Steve. “E&S”

They’re both crying but they don’t care. Eddie tries to lighten the mood a little “you never technically answered”

Steve chuckles wetly and rubs his eyes “Well you never technically asked me a question”

“Steve Harrington, will you be my husband.”

“Yes, Eddie Munson I will”

“No takebacks!” Eddie proclaims. He puts the ring on Steve’s finger. It fits perfectly. “You better tell Robin before she actually gets me killed.”

Steve truly laughs for the first time in weeks. “I will but I think we have better things to do.”

#steddie fic #steddie #steddie angst #steddie fluff #steddie ficlet #steve harrington #eddie munson #steve x eddie #babys first angsty writing #i apologize #slight self harm tw #also I did write this all in one day #so please be nice #stranger things #stranger things fic

[divingleadboy]

TWWW SELF HARM BEWARE!!! BEWAREE!!!!!!!!!!!!

self harmageddon or whatever its called

#tw #self harm tw #self harm #just beware #stay safe #art #slight artistic nudity #pls be nice this is such a personal piece #ty :3

[augustinxxz]

#tw vent #tw self harm #tw blood #slight nudity #? #stress relief #directed to someone in my family #wont tell:) #shes been body shaming me since i shared some photos of myself to her #“when did you became so fat??“ ”i miss when you were skinnier“ #shut the fuck up.

[purplebehittindifferent]

TW for everything under the cut. You have been warned

stay safe.

Before anybody asks. I am okay.

#I think #art #vent art #tw self harm #tw #bright colors #slight body horror #nonsexual nudity #but it’s censored #my art

[hauntedwoman]

i went on a walk today.

#tws for self harm and slight gore #but anyways enjoy and im sorry if i made ur stomach turn

[sweetandsourstalker]

26. What are their favorite parts about physical affection/sex?

#art #slight nsfw)) #the spice must flow)) #anon #ask meme response #tw bite marks #tw bruises #tw self harm #tw implied selfharm #tw scars #tw scarring #ahhh look at all the trigger warnings /to the tune of eleanor rigby)) #answered asks #yen & peter #yb peter

[dawn-t0-dusk]

#59: Sometimes, Sometimes, Sometimes

Sometimes-            Sometimes I wish I could escape my skin Sometimes-           I wish that when i looked in the mirror-                      It wasn't you I saw.           When I see reflections in the water           Familiar eyes,                      A plastic smile,                      An image of you, idealized           (To who?)                      (not me)

Sometimes-           I wish i couldn't separate me into you and dad            Sometimes-           I can check off the boxes          My eyes from mom,           My rage from dad                      (what is there of me?)           I have been looking and yet i don't see any           I am a culmination of parts,                      A spliced thing of your corroded heart

Sometimes-           I want to tear out the parts i don't know. Sometimes,           I take a blade to my skin,                      And i bleed out the parts that are yours           Infected bits of your sins                      The mistakes and trauma that i have carried           (why must i?)                      (this is not my job)                      And I wish i could tear you out.

Sometimes-           Sometimes when i rip myself apart,                    I take the tiny bits of me with yours                    There isn't a lot and every speck counts                    So I have to decide what I want more.

          (do i hate you more than i love me?)                      (maybe)

#original poem #poetry #original poetry #prose #prose poetry #daily poem #slight body horror #implied self harm #parental issues #tw: body horror #tw: self loathing #writers and poets #poets on tumblr #spilled ink #spilled prose #spilled emotions #poetsandwriters #poetic prose #writers and readers

[naes-dairy]

...so yeah.

I know I've been distracting myself, and I know why I'm doing this too.

It's an automatic thing now. Wasting time, doing nothing productive. I have things I need to do but I'm just not doing it.

I say I'm trying my best but I'm reality I'm lying to myself. I'm not even doing anything that will help me. Distracting myself.

Running away from my feelings.

I distract myself so that I'm not left alone with my feelings. I distract myself knowing that I'm not helping myself.

It's become a habit, it's hard to break.

I've gotten used to doing this. But it's not helping me at all.

I don't want to be left alone because my thoughts will come and attack my feelings.

Why.. am I like this?

Refusing to tell others, refusing to get help.

I don't want to hurt others, but all I'm doing is hurting myself.

I know I shouldn't, I know its bad.

But I really really really want to... The urge isn't as strong as it was before. But I feel like I deserve it.

I kind of want to do it...

.

I just realized I'm kind of hungry, but it's too late to do that now. I need to stop doing this. Eating just enough food to keep me energised, not enough.

I didn't mean to repeat anything and ik this is a vent post, but I feel like making a song.

But it's become a habit, it's hard to break.

I want to let my tears fall but not in front of others, but that's when they decide to come out.

So when I'm alone in my room, the tears just won't fall...

Holding back my tears automatically...

It's become a habit, hard to break.

It's not like it would turn out good or anything. But yeah.

#I probably need therapy #help #low self esteem #slight gestures of self harm? #thats a trigger warning right #i didnt really mention it tho #eh #tw self harm #i think thats it #hopefully #hate myself #expresso the depresso #naes vent posts #what #what?

[what-about-sastiel-samstiel]

This is family

Idk where I was going with this, canon typical violence, set in season 11? Uh the events that take place immediately after Amara and Chuck taking sabbatical. No beta we die like Bobby

( Sam still sees lucifer when he has no control over anything his brain does, in dire near death experiences, as exampled here etc.)

Sam x Castiel

Castiel was never one to read that much into relationships, romantically concerned, of course. But if they had solidified their bond as one thing he never looked at it in a different lense after that.

He acknowledged that the relationship may have changed, grown but always regarded it with the official label that was put between the two participants.

But now, after he had killed- and... Tortured, to some extent, people who might have (yes, might have, they weren't even sure.) Had a lead on Sam he reviewed the relationship again. Sitting in silence in the back of the Impala as Mary and Dean drove.

Sam at first was seen as the abomination of the world.

Though after being given a choice of freewill and watching the two, Sam, he had endured and fixed so much. Never complained about it outside of his brother. And even then he still he kept looking for ways to fix things. Things that didn't have to do with him. Ignored his overall health to help others that he didn't know, had fought the good fight and smiled most the way through.

Not to mention what his soul had gone through.

It was so frail, and wounded; energy, which should of been what he sesned when he retrieved it wasn't present, but replaced with fear. He held Sam's soul in the palm of his hand, and it was so damaged- Lucifer had done so much...

He'd admit that having gotten his soul out from that depth also added to his new found bond with the Winchester. But, that just amplified what he felt.

With Deans rise from perdition, he did have a 'bond', he was ordered to keep him alive, after all, he was the key to winning the fated battle. But, that was it. Sure it does add a slight more intimate aspect of their relationship but nothing like that.

Sam's rise however..

Sam was so eager to give his life for the cause at every turn, desperate to make up for all he had done, but, if you gave an abomination like Lucifer and his offspring a chance to redeem themselves, but paired it with free will, they'd squander it. They're too selfish not to! But, Sam, however, kept it as his first priority. Even when he went.. 'Darkside' (or darkseid?) He did it for what he thought was the right reasons.

Castiel respected him for that, he knew all too well what going down that path was like, and he justified it for heaven, and the angels but that doesn't make any of it okay. But Sam had comforted him.

"Cas, I know how it feels, you think you're doing it for these right reasons and it all crumbles around you and you're at fault. Weather the reasons were pure or not-"

The car swerved and through the heavy pants and Dean's cursing, the car door opened.

***

Sam gripped the shard tightly, acutely aware of the damage he was causing. He deserved it, anyway. Not that Dean would see it that way. Dean was always blind when it came to the ugly truth of his kid brother.

Hazel met Hazel, he supposed that's 7 years of bad luck, though in all honesty it seemed like his everyday life.

Memories danced around his vision, Lucifers laughs filled the back ground before coming to a halt.

"Really, Sammy? "

Turning around halfway and glancing behind his shoulder, he saw Lucifer. Hands held neatly in front of him, a scoff across his features.

"I know you suck, but, c'mon Sam, it was a petite girl!"

Sam twitched.

"And what, you're here, hoping big brother Dean will save you?" Lucifer paced, one hand on his elbow the other under his chin.

Sam didn't dare respond, he knew he was being watched, and if they figured out, he was still haunted by Lucifer it's a whole other level of done for.

"Come on, Samantha, talk to me! I hardly come around, and the one time I do?" He steps closer. "You're in someone's fun time basement, now, I don't judge, I mean" he chuckles continuing his advancements. "You do you, But, Sam, I could get you out of here."

His head pounded again, and he had to stifle a groan as his vision blurred.

"Sammy? Cmon man, do I have to go the whole nine yards with you?! Really?!"

Sam internally cursed, his left hand reaching up and gripping his temple.

"Sammy, I do miss our time together, really, I do." Lucifer was now leaning on the wall next to the shattered mirror.

"And I can't help but notice that your stupid little trick isn't helping!" He sing-songed, a malicious smile playing onto his lips.

Sam opened his mouth but it closed just as quickly, a vision of Dean dying, blaming Sam for it and ultimately causing him to grip the blade harder.

"I can make it stop," Lucifer continued to sing his words, walking up to Sam's shoulder.

Sam felt a tug on his tongue, beckoning him to spill his thoughts but he forced himself to remain silent, his glare only becoming more pointed.

"Awhawhaw... Isn't that cute?" Lucifer mused, gripping Sam's shoulder tightly. "She thinks she can get into your head!"

"Sam! Sam! Please, Sam!!" A different vision wailed, this time in Castiels Gravelly voice.

"Doesn't she know you've got nothing but mush stored up there?" He gritted out, pushing at Sam's head as he spoke, anger clear in his voice.

Sam flinched causing Lucifer to pause and chuckle. He continued closing the small distance around Sam, turning to face him again when he finished.

"Alright, Sam, talk to me, annnnddd I mightt," he looked into Sam's eyes, "might," he repeated, pointing at him for dramatic effect. "Let at least Dean live-"

Lucifer stopped, and then started again. "Nah, nah, nah, nah, hes done too fucking much, but maybe Mary? Eh?" He nudged Sam's shoulder like he were a friend.

Sam couldn't stop the pained groan that escaped him, surprised to hear a hint of a sob in there.

Everything was so foggy, so painful-

"Cassie?" Lucifer poked Sam's head again, trying to provoke a response.

Sam was close, so fucking close to breaking, Lucifer could see it.

"SaAaAm," Lucifer mocked the newest vision and flailed his arms a bit as he did so.

Lucifer was just about to continue his charades when Sam huffed and slit his throat abruptly, blood spewing out of the wound, Sam sat down, failing in not falling as he did so.

"Oo.. What a crash," Lucifer spoke as Sam landed on his ass.

"Oof, Sammy, I didn't think you'd stoop so low." He sighed, barely catching a glimpse of Sams bitch face as he struggled to keep consciousness.

It was barely a moment before Sam felt a hand on his throat, pressing down with force, he looked into the eyes and saw red. Lucifer was pissed.

"Sam, Sam, Sam," he sneered, getting even closer to the boy on the ground. "Pathetic, useless little Sam,"

He put more pressure onto Sam's wound.

Sam gasped, he had hoped whoever was watching him at this time would come in, try and save him ultimately allowing his escape, but Lucifer has other plans.

Lucifer licked his lips, before gesturing vaguely to a vision behind him; Jess burned before his eyes.

"Eh, let's change it up. What do you think, sport?" Lucifer crouched by Sam and with a flick of his wrist the vision changed.

Sam when he had demon blood in him, starting the apocalypse, played.

"Booorrriinngggg, "

It was like the channel changed, and Sam was now trying to kill Bobby. His father, and he didn't even care for Bobbys voice of reason.

"Hm, I like this one, you have a bit of character here."

He flicked his wrist again.

"Oo! Don't change the channel! Let's make popcorn." He laughed as visions of Sam killing countless demons and their mortal hosts for a hint about Dean's whereabouts.

"Honestly, Sam, this is where I knew for sure that you belonged in the cage. "

Lucifer shrugged.

"I mean, sure, countless people have died on your watch."

Sam winced, now wishing that his cut had been deeper.

"But brushing them under the carpet, look how many you killed... On purpose!" Lucifer turned to Sam, still amused. "Oh, and the ways you did it too..... Mmm, creative, I assure you. My favorite parts were the families, did you know, that that much grief and anger is kinda a turn on?"

Sam set his jaw, trying desperately to block out the arch angel. Sam noticed his shirt was sticky, looking down only to see blood seeping into his shirt and clinging to his chest. As if on cue, his vision blurred and his head felt as if someone had a jackhammer in there.

It took a lot more to recover this time, not even fully recovering as Lucifer decided to continue.

"Speaking of, why don't you ever talk about us" Lucifer gestured to himself and Sam.

"I mean, we have history. More so than old Jessica." Sam had to use all his willpower to not acknowledge the fallen angel, choosing to grab the shard of glass with his other hand, now noticing a large gash in its place.

"Sammy," Lucifer stared into Sam's own eyes, as Sam brought the shard slowly back up to his throat, "Sammy!"

Sam began to look at the devil confused as Lucifer began to say his name like a mantra.

He felt hands shake his shoulder, and all of a sudden Lucifer dissipated, being replaced by Dean.

"Sammy! Stay with me okay?" He yanked the shard out of Sam's hand throwing it somewhere behind him.

Sam gave a half assed nod, still unclear on his surroundings besides Dean. He does know however, that someone caught his brothers attention, he confirmed this when he heard a faint "Cas, *mumble mumble* brother."

A moment later he felt strong hands on his shoulders, a deep sound swallowing him whole, comfortingly soothing. Soon after he decided to give in to unconsciousness as it tugged at his eyelids. And all that was left was darkness and muffled voices.

**

Sam woke, the urge to vomit was pushed down as well as he could manage trying to gather his surroundings.

He was back at the bunker, hands bandaged and he assumed his neck was too when an uncomfortable scratch tore at his jaw.

"Sam," the same Gravelly voice from the visions, and faintly remembers it after too, rung in his ears in a welcoming tune. "You're awake."

Sam allowed himself to take in the angels features, and boy did he look like an angel.

Before he could stare he spoke up, fear rushing through him, "Dean, Mom- whe-" he rasped and winced as his throat turned up dry.

Castiel shushed him, placing a soothing hand on his shoulder as if telling him to lie back down.

"They're fine, Dean's taking a shower and your mother is sleeping."

Castiel smiled gently, and god was it not one of the most beautiful and calming things he had ever seen.

"Here, Sam, you should drink."

Castiel brought a glass of water from the nightstand and brought it to his lips, carefully making sure Sam drank it, either ignoring Sam's blush or not noticing.

Sam gasped gently when he finished, thanking the angel with a nod.

"Thanks, Cas, I really appreciate it." Cas hummed.

"It's no problem, at all, Sam Winchester. " Cas looked away and looked back quickly, a tiny hint of a blush crawling up his neck.

"I'm sorry I couldn't just heal you. She had quite the impressive magic spell on you, and drugs." He finished angrily, but quickly schooled himself.

"I could however heal your feet, much to my relief and surprise."

Sam nodded and smiled. "I don't know how any of us manage without you, Cas."

Sam looked groggy, and on the edge of falling back asleep but still Castiel flushed upon Sam gently holding his hand.

Castiel didn't know what came over him, but the words fell from his lips before he could stop them. "Sam, we we're so worried- I, was worried, you scared me out my wits when I saw you in that basement, murmuring about people who weren't there-" Castiel choked, his usual stoicness had completely disappeared.

Cas tightened his hold on Sam's hand, "I was so... Scared, we all were.. And seeing you like that? I will never let any harm be done to you again. I swear. You're worth to much, for everyone, to me.." Castiel ended his rant by finally looking Sam in the eye.

Sam was smiling like an idiot and his eyes were strainging to stay open, determined to not miss a moment.

"Cas-"

"Boooo, total chics." Dean interrupted, sitting on the other side of the bed, brushing the obnoxiously long hair aside to look at his baby brother.

"Heya Sammy.. How we feeling?"

"Good, tired, but I'm sure I'll feel at a hundred percent with sleep." His eyes drooped more as if to emphasize.

Dean smiled pulled a chair up to the side of the bed. Refusing to leave I order to make sure he was okay.

It wasn't lost on any of them that Sam and Castiels hands were still intertwined, and Dean made sure to talk to Castiel about his intentions later, but for now he was dozing off along with his little brother.

Sam couldn't be happier. The emotional rollercoaster was more than enough to drag him back to sleep for days if he let it. But this was good. This was nice. This was his family.

#sastiel #castiel #castiel winchester #sam #sam winchester #samstiel #spn #dean Winchester #dean #mary Winchester (mentioned) #mild hurt/comfort #why am i tagging this like ao3 #lucifer #slight ptsd #mention of drugs tw #mention of self harm tw #tw #mention of violence #canon typical violence #canon divergence #possible spoilers #discovering feelings #devolping relationship #canon compliant protective dean winchester #supportive dean Winchester