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ewritesthangs · 4 years

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Ba-ding. Ba-ding. Your phone alerts you that someone was calling. That someone, being your boyfriend of 4 months. Corpse.

"Hey babe."

"Hey princess."

"Whats up? Everything alright?"

"I just wanted to hear your voice before we start gaming and I can barely hear you."

You blush and sit down at your desk. "You're so charming, you know that?"

"One of my many quirks."

"I love all your quirks."

"I can't wait to see you tomorrow. I'll be able to sleep again."

"Did you not sleep well babe?"

"Not really. My insomnia got the better of me."

"You should have called i would have read to you."

"You're so sweet. I didn't want to wake you."

"You do know I don't care. If you need me call. No matter what."

"Alright. Alright. I will if it gets bad tonight."

"Good boy."

"Woof woof."

"Hey, its almost 1. Time to get the game ready. I shall talk to you later."

"I adore you."

"Feelings are mutual." You blush and hang up. You do what you need to do and join the Among Us game created by none other than Pewdiepie.

"Whats up guys?"

"Hey, Y/N! You're here!" Sean tells excitedly.

"Hey Sean." You shyly say. Thankful they can't see you. You were happy to be able to game. In the semi dark. By yourself. You were confident with Corpse. But with more people? You became an innocent shy noodle. The game starts. Crewmate. You sigh in relief.

"I'll be a good task girl and do my tasks."

Corpse went up to you, and you assume he gave you a small smooch before going to card swipe.

"Don't fail it now babe." You were thankful you didn't live stream yet. You wanted to get a few rounds down and warm up before doing so.

Corpse POV

"I'm going to give Y/N a kiss before card swipe. Muah." My character runs over to her, runs into her looking like mine was giving a kiss. "Love you babe." It slipped out, on livestream. Shit. Oops. I shoot Y/N a quick text.

Accidentally may have said i loved you on livestream.

Oh..... you want to let everyone know, now?

Why not?

Sure babe.

You sure?

Yesh.

"Yeah um ehe I am dating Y/N guys. Surprise." I say to my viewers. "I hope you don't like leave me because of it." My chat was blowing up by now. Saying mostly positive things. I smile at the comments and thank them as much as I can before I get killed by Sean. "What. The fuck man."

2nd Person POV

You report the body and unmute yourself. "Oh no not my baby!" You say softly.

"Wait. What?" Sean chuckles, confused.

"Corpse is my boyfriend." You whisper nonchalantly. "I saw you vent Sean!"

"You killed said boyfriend and self reported. I saw you."

"Where is the body?" Felix asks.

"Inside admin."

"Jack i sense liar voice."

"You always sus me felix." Sean sounded like he was pouting.

"I'm voting sean." Rae says. Everyone votes. Sean votes you. Most of them vote Sean. Sean is ejected.

"Bye bye muthafucka." You say softly, to which everyone gasps.

"Little Y/N just swore."

"I can't believe it. Pause the game."

"What? No guys shhhhh I didn't say anything." You quickly grumble and slap your forehead. "Fuck me. Shit."

"And she keeps swearing! My god." Sean chuckled as he was unmuted still, like everybody.

"I'm muting myself now. Bye." You mute yourself and cover your now red face. "Fuck me in the eyeball with a candlestick."

Nice mouth babe.

Shut it.

Corpse was laughing so hard he was gonna piss himself soon if he didn't stop. You are so cute in his eyes. So innocent.

You got a call a few hours later. The familiar ring of your boyfriends ring tone rushing to fill the void. You had fallen asleep so when you answered you sounded gravelly. Groggy.

"Hello?"

"Sup swearing sailor?"

"Are we allerterating now?"

"Yessssssss."

"I was just having a nice dream about Matthew Gray Gubler and you went and woke me up."

"New found confidence?"

"You bring out the best in me."

"My princess."

"Ya ya."

"Come over. I need to see and kiss your beautiful swearing face."

"Will you let that go? For fucks sake."

"Probably not for awhile."

"Bitch."

"Well are you coming?"

"Not if you keep being mean."

"I loooooovvvveeeee you." He sings.

"I love me too."

"Well now I don't want you here."

"...... I'll bring your favorite."

"See you in about an hour!"

"Spoiled rotten little brat!"

"Love you!"

You went over to his apartment. When you arrived at his door, he engulfed you into a big hug. You feeling so safe and warm in his embrace.

"My princess."

"My prince."

You guys kiss, a sweet and simple kiss. Without letting you go, he walks backwards into the apartment. You guys spend the whole night watching things and eating as much as you can handle. Once it hits 1am, your eyes grow heavy. But you don't want to tell him you're tired. Not yet. Corpse comes back from the bathroom to you falling asleep on the couch.

"Baby, do you want to go to bed?" The sudden sound of his voice startled you awake. With a small nod, you stand up a little uneasy on your legs. Corpse takes you into his arms. Picks you up bridal style. You being too tired, just let it happen. You snuggled into him, before realizing you were in your normal clothes.

"I need to change." Your voice had an obvious tired tone to it.

"You can wear my hoodie babe."

"I dont want you getting cold."

"I'm a human furnace babe."

You just simply nod and lay back onto the bed you were placed upon. He slips his sweatshirt off and hands it to you. You take it and stumble into his bathroom.

"Baby you can change in front of me. I won't look!"

You yawn and get dressed into some sweats and his hoodie. You walk out, swimming in his sweater. You felt safe and cozy. He smiles and holds his arms out for you to come sit on his lap. You waddle over and do as you are motioned to. He holds you as you fall asleep. He watches you before he himself falls asleep. A beautiful way to end an eventful day.

#corpse husband #corpse husband imagine

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hawks-is-kinda-chicken-little · 4 years

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Voicemail

Hawks X Reader

Summary: Commitment is sometimes scary, especially when Keigo already has so much on his plate. So instead of communicating that to his lover, he grows distant.

-part 1-

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

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One moment Keigo was flying through cloud nine and the next he was falling faster than ever.

(Y/n) was the first one to break his walls. See the broken man through the believable facade portrayed by the media. She loved him, the real him, not the picture perfect model on the tv young boys and girls dream about and idolize. All his flaws and scars never repealed her for even a moment, she loved him unconditionally. She was the first to do so, the first to show him that he didn’t have to be perfect.

Keigo remembers when she shattered those barriers. Oh, how he cried. It was only a week until their one year anniversary. But, this was the first time (y/n) had seen him all battered and beaten from a fight earlier. No feathers on his back, nasty gashes on his face and arms, Hawks might as well have been fresh out of a human sized shredder. Really, he should have gone to the hospital, but he figured he could just handle the damage himself. He remembers being frozen in place when his eyes landed on her after just walking into their shared apartment. She should have been asleep already, yet there she was standing in the dim lighted hallway with the worry shining in those doe eyes of hers. Her cheeks were puffy and her eyes were red as if she had been crying moments ago. Quickly, she scurried over to him scanning over his torn form. From there gently but quickly guided him to the bathroom where they kept the medical supplies.

He was sitting on a stool near the bathroom sink as (y/n) sat right next to him with her legs folded on the floor. The silence was deafening, no questions were asked. Hawks quietly watched her shaking hands delicately wrap one of the bandages around his wounded arm. Making sure the fabric was not to tight, but not too lose that it would come undone. Sighing, he reached the hand she previously wrapped and cupped her cheek, rubbing his ever so gently under her eye, causing her to stop her actions and place her hand upon his own, closings her eyes. She lowered her head as her shoulders started shaking ever so slightly with every sniffle and hiccup that came from her. Hawks used his other hand guide her face towards his wiping away freshly dropping tear that cascaded down her puffy red cheeks. It was only a couple for minutes before she broke the silence.

“I saw it on the news,” Her bottoms lip quivered more as she spoke.

“What did you see, my love?”

“Them hurt you,” She sobbed “It was all over the news, you were- you were thrown through the building and pummbled into the ground, the- then the power shut off and I did know if- I didn’t know-”

The poor thing couldn’t even finish the sentence, she was now curled over her knees sobbing into her hands in attempt to muffle her cries. Hawks was in shock, he knew she cared and worried for him, but apparently underestimated the extent at which it went. Never in his life has someone genuinely cried on his behalf, not even his so-called parents. This was the moment he broke down. This was the moment he knew she truly loved him and he truly loved her.

Shifting so that Keigo was now on the ground with her, he pulled her to his lap, rocking them both from side to side, as he burying his face in her hair. In this moment both of their hearts beat for each other and nothing could change that. He hadn’t even realized his own tears that were falling until she pulled back just alittle to stare into his eyes and wipe them away. There was nothing but love and care in those glazed over her eyes.

Hawks remembers sitting on the tile of the bathroom floor the rest of the night in eachothers embrace. No one in the rest of the world mattered, it was only them, both vulnerable to each other’s love.

She meant so much to him, she was like the feathers on his back, freeing and always there to lift him up. Everyone at the agency loved her, she was motherly to the interns and alway there to vent if someone needed to talk. She was a true blessing to all those around her. Time went on and there love only grew stronger.

Lately something had seemed off with Keigo, he was acting cold and distant, and not even he could pinpoint why. Maybe it was the stress of all the hero work piling up. Being the number Two Hero came with a lot of responsibility and a lot more work which he had to keep on top of. Keigo had been staying at the office later doing paperwork into the early hours of the morning for the past three days. And when he did return home (y/n) was always draped over the arm of the couch in her night time attire asleep. It was obvious that she was trying to wait up for him, but always seemed to fail. Shaking his head with a small smile at her silliness, he picked her up and brought her to bed. It wasn’t long before he joined her, but Hawks was always gone before she would wake up.

She would leave him encouraging texts and voicemails throughout the day, to which he never replied to. It seemed like they hadn’t even really had a real conversation in a couple of months. Every time she would try and reach out to her, he’d blow her off, avoiding any sort of confrontation. Keigo already has so much going through his head with all this league of villains stuff, the last thing he needs is another person giving him problems.

Today marked the 3 year anniversary of their relationship. It was a quiet day at the agency, so (y/n) came to visit. Of course a bunch of the women pulled her into the break area to gossip. They were all talking and giggling when he was walking by. Hawks stopped to listen at the door when one giggling in particular reached his ears making him smile. The ladies wanted juicy details about Hawks and his lover’s relationship. He couldn’t stop the smile creeping up his face hearing her stutter out haste responses obviously embarrassed by their questions.

A couple more questions were thrown around and he put his hand on the door getting ready to barge in and save his poor baby like the hero he was. Hawks was half way through the door when one of the ladies asked about marriage making him halt. All eyes were on him, but his eyes were on (y/n)’s as his smile slowly fell. He shifted his gaze to the ground as he backed out the door, the sound of a chair being pulled back followed by the hurried steps of his lover close behind him. Her hand reached out and grasped the hand in an attempt to make him stop, which was successful and he turned to look at her, his face void of emotion.

“They were only joking, you know,” She said, hoping to lighten the mood, but there was some sort of panic or desperation hidden in her voice, Hawks could hear it.

He didn’t say anything, he only stared at her with a straight face. By the grace of whatever higher ups there were, his work phone went off signaling an emergency.

She squeezed his hand “I don’t know what’s going on in that head of yours, but know that I love you and I will listen if there anything you want to talk about when you come back, we can skip our dinner reservations and just chill at home if you want.”

“I can’t talk about this right now, ill see you at home,” He muttered, ripping his hand from her hold.

Keigo turned around, walking away from her, but not miss the shocked and pained look that spread over her face. As he walked towards his office, the employee’s mouths hung open in shock. With shame and guilt beginning to set in, Keigo quickened his pace to his destination, slamming the door behind him as he arrived. A frustrated sigh escaped his lips as his hands tugged at the untamed locks on his head. Pulling himself together, Keigo grabbed his gear and headed to the destination at which he was needed.

The mission was a breeze, but he didn’t return to the office, instead he opted to clear his mind soaring through the night time clouds. He flew out of the city bounds and landed on a tree that stood miles away, facing the glowing outline of the city. Hawks sat on one of the sturdier branches leaning against the thick core it sprouted from and closing his heavy eyes.

What was his issue? What had changed to make him act so harsh? God, (y/n) probably hates him now. Can’t say he would blame her though, he’s been nothing but a jerk to her these past couple of days. Damn, he was such an asshole at the office. Ignoring her, snapping at her, pushing her away when she had done nothing wrong.

But that’s not what she thought. These past days all she could do was pick her own mind over and over again. This has been going on for an entire month, nothing has been resolved, it only seems to be getting worse. She tried staying up and waiting till he got home to talk to him, but he was always home so late. (Y/n) tried calling, but that never got anywhere. It was alway go straight to voicemail. The same old:

“Heyyyyy, sorry I can’t answer at this moment. If its urgent or you have chicken that you can eat/ just want to give me chicken call my bussiness number at (***)***-****. Talk to ya later.”

She would alway leave a sweet and encouraging voicemail, sometime she would ask when he would be home, or if he maybe wanted to meet her for food or something.

So now here she sits at 1am, holding the tiny wrapped box she was going to give him for their anniversary while tears streamed down her face. Stuffed inside is a pregnancy test, they always joked about kids before this issue started. She found out about two weeks ago, deciding to wait to give it to him today, or yesterday, since she could never really get a hold of him lately.

She can’t do this much longer though, it was really starting to get to her, maybe it was the hormones talking, but it hurts nonetheless. No matter how she twisted it in her head she couldn’t understand where they went wrong. Setting the present on the counter, she walked to their shared bed room so she could grab a couple of necessities for the night. As of right now she was planning on crashing at a friends house who was already informed of (y/n)’s current predicament. Rumi Usagiyama always knew how to cheer her up.

After stuffing the duffle bag, (y/n) wrote a little note and left it at the edge of the night stand before grabbing the car keys and heading out the door. Making sure to turn off all the lights and lock the door on her way.

Unfortunately, in her rush she left the small box neatly wrapped bright colors and a golden bow resting forgotten on the counter.

It was hours till Keigo finally got the courage to head home to her for the night, or morning, as it was past 1 am. It felt cold inside, it felt empty. Keigo didn’t like it. Normally (y/n) kept the kitchen light on as she would always try and wait up for him when he came home.

The further he walked in the more he panicked, (y/n) wasn't passed out on the couch. Uneasiness settled deep in his gut as he started searching the apartment in a frenzy. Heading towards their bedroom, he froze at the door frame seeing, it was empty, she wasn’t there.

He started yelling out her name, desperate for some sort of response while he searched every room. Keigo checked his phone, nothing. He called her, no response. Maybe, she was somewhere outside. Yeah, (y/n) loved going on early morning walks.

While rushing back towards the front door, a shiny gold sparkle caught his eye. It stood out of place in the dark kitchen. The glittery glow illuminated from golden ribbons wrapped around a package all connecting to form a bow on the top.

Cautiously walking over to the counter he picked it up, immediately eyeing a tag that had flopped to the side. Two fingers grasped it, flipping it from one side to the other. On the opposite side was written ‘To: Keigo’ in the beautiful handwriting that could only belong to (y/n).

His heart sunk as guilt started eating away at him. Pulling the ends of the ribbons, he slowly unwrapped it, taking the lid off the small box. At first he was confused, inside was just a bunch of tissue paper and some kinda plastic stick. When Keigo saw the 2 bright red stripes going down one side, it clicked. It was a pregnancy test. A positive pregnancy test.

Keigo’s mind went blank as the world around him froze. Tears started racing down his now damp cheeks. God what has he done. After placing the stick back in the box and then shoving it in his coat pocket Keigo bolted to the closest window, phone in hand attempting to call her phone.

All calls went to voicemail. There was no sign of her anywhere. Keigo could feel his wings shake in panic and desperation. Two hours had gone by and there was nothing.

Where was his (y/n), where was his angel? The woman who put up with all his shit throughout the years. The woman who loved him unconditionally, even when she saw how truly broken of a man he was. The woman who worried for him, cared for him, healed him, knew him. The real him. The woman who was carrying their baby, the woman- the one he pushed away. The one who he ignored and made cry. The one he hurt.

He needed to find her, try to mend all his mistakes. Hell, beg on his knees for her to forgive him. Ask how he could make it up to her. Let him show her that he can be a better man for not only her, but their baby. Oh, god they were going to have a baby. Just the thought of the little chick, made his heart cry out of joy and love.

There was so much he had to say to her. So much time he wanted to make up for. He wanted, no, needed to hold her, encase her and their little chick away from the world in a cocoon of red feathers. But, first he had to find them.

Landing on the barren street he began searching on foot, choosing to call up a few other heros in hope that they had either seen her or would help search for her. No one had seen her, not even Rumi, her best friend, had heard from or seen her the whole day. The few heros that were awake in the early morning, including Endeavor and of course Rumi, went out to start looking for her.

Another hour went by and there was no news, at this point Rumi was using her phone to try and call her. As Rumi was calling, Keigo faintly heard the familiar tone of (y/n) ringtone.

It was faint, but if he followed its sound, it kept getting louder and louder, and almost seemed to be more distorted from its original sweet tone. He followed it right to the entrance of an alley. The ringing stopped signalling the reject of the call. Leading into the dark shadowy ally was a smeared red looking substance that glistened in the moonlight.

Rumi caught up to him, eyes following his gaze to the ground. She watched as her friend shakingly pulled his own phone from his pocket, calling (y/n). A lump formed in her throat as the ringtone of her best friend went off a couple feet before them as a light illuminated from the receiving device.

Neither of them could move as Endeavor came from behind them, witnessing the whole thing. Endeavor used his fire to create a light source, giving them a better view.

Before the heros was a blood splattered ground, all over the brick walls and objects on the ground. But there was not a source of where that blood might have come from. The reminisce of a duffle bag lay abandoned on the side next to a dumpster. It’s contents were scattered all around, ripped clothes and other items which blood splattered all over.

There was only one person who all there’s items belonged to. They all knew it. Especially Keigo.

He took a couple steps in stopping right before a bright screen in the center of it all. The device displayed warped images of the two of them on the shattered glass of the screen. Keigo could make out both of their faces, he was holding her on a bridge. Arms wrapped around each other, him kissing her blush covered cheek as she sweetly giggled.

Keigo fell to his knees in front of it. Rumi started wailing, yelling to (y/n) that this was not a joke, demanding she come out. Endeavor stepped to the side calling for backup and a forensic team.

Curling over his knees, Keigo started sobbing hysterically. His wings slumped to the ground shaking with every sob that racked through his body.

The phone kept ringing, as if it was mocking him. Ringing. Ringing. And ringing. Over and over again. Until it went on, until it stopped and caused his phone to go to voicemail. Her angelic voice came from his speake

“Sorry if I couldn’t answer right away, make sure to leave a message and i- hey! Keigo stop, no, Keig-,” “She obviously busy, if it is urgent call a hero or something,” “Keigo for God sake, give me my phone” “Leave a message or call later, i really don't care which,” “You dorky chicken leg, give it back!”

Then it cut out, ending the voice over. Her voice faded out, leaving his broken cries the only thing to be heard.

Keigo never moved, he sat there hurled over in the middle of the alleyway, wings splayed out over the ground.

Endeavor had to drag Keigo to his feet and haul him out of the way so that the investigators could get to work. He made Keigo sit on a bench by the front of the building next to the alley. A bunch of heros were trying to console Rumi through her mentally breakdown, as she cursed the world, threatening the worst to those who took her family.

Keigo stared back towards the ally littered with a team of investigators through blurry eyes. He felt his world come to an end. No damage he could or had taken amounted to his current pain. It squeezed at his chest and restricted his airways. He couldn’t control his muscles, everything ached from head to toe.

The one person who kept him from falling was stolen. Not even the wings on his back can keep him from falling into the cruel hell hole that is society.

Reaching into the coat pocket his coat pocket he pulled out the box, holding it in his lap. Tears once again spilling down his face. She was pregnant. They were going to have a baby. Someone took away his babies.

She always called Keigo her hero. She promised him that nothing would ever change that.

(Y/n) could be alive somewhere, the investigators came over and informed that there is no sign of a body, but a blood trail that leads to tire marks through one of the connecting alleyways.

Keigo is going to find her. He’s going to bring his babies home. Shower his angel in all the love she deserves. He’s going to fix everything.

Hands clutched the box in a tight grip as razor eyes narrowed at the alley. Keigo could feel his feathers sharpening from his state of anger. There was going to be Hell to pay. Blood to shed. Bones to break. May God have mercy on those who took (y/n), because Keigo will have none to give.

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Edit: I’m not sure if I should just leave it there or make a part 2 so let me know what all y’all think.

#hawks x reader #bnha #bnha hawks #bnha keigo takami #keigo takami #bnha fanfiction #my hero academia #boku no hero academia #hawks #kiego takami x reader

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sunflowerstache · 5 years

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Just imagine coming home one night from Gemma's and you think Harry's gone out with friends like he said he was, but you enter the living room and find F.R.I.E.N.D.S on the television while he snores on the sofa, bundled up with blankets; a cold cup of tea on the coffee table with bottles of medicine and crumpled tissues, a bucket on the floor and Evie curled at his feet. And after your near heart attack of shock you realize he said "spending time with F.R.I.E.N.D.S," not "friends." 🤣😯

It was Gemma’s week to have you over for wine night - basically just an excuse for you both to vent about life, work, your significant others, and everything in between. It was something that happened once a month, switching between your two homes, and you were endlessly thankful for the small break from reality.

Before leaving the house earlier, Harry had been complaining about his sinuses and progressing headache, but despite his insesant complaints, he insisted that you kept your plans with Gemma; said he was going to be spending the night with friends. So, you left him with a extra large cup of steaming tea and the bottle of cold medicine on the kitchen counter.

You always had the best time with the eldest Styles sibling, as she was so similar to your boyfriend but provided the support of an older sister. it was about four hours after you originally left your house, the owl who had made its home in the tree by your front door was up and ready for the night’s adventures, neighborhood streets void of all daily noise, and only the glimmer of street lights illuminated the neighborhood.

“Baby? I’m home.” the light on in the living room gave you an indication that Harry was in fact still awake. “H? How was your night out?”

You were met with the sound of loud snores and the distinct chuckle of a live studio audience. Walking into the living room, you were met with one of your favorite sights; Harry snuggled up on the couch with your four leggeded daughter tucked into his side. The sight of your small family always made your heart flutter with love. The familiar sound of Chandler Bing yelling echoed throughout your living room, causing Evie’s head to immediately perk up.

“Hi sweetheart.” you whispered while gently plopping down next to your family. “Should we wake up dad? Think he’s be mad?” to which she just responded with an equally as quite meow.

Deciding it was best to wake up your boyfriend so that he could move into the comfortable bed instead of straining his neck on the couch, you began to run your fingers through his hair. “Harry? Come on mister, lets get you upstairs, huh? Wake up, love.”

At your voice, his eyes began to move wildly behind his lids, indicating that he was about to fully wake up. And when he did, a small grin broke out on his face. “Hey baby. Back already?”

“It’s almost 1am, H. Been gone awhile.” you laughed, rubbing his back when he sat up, preparing himself for getting up off the couch. “but I see you had a riveting night with friends. Thought you meant you were going out with friends tonight, not spending the night on the couch watching F.R.I.E.N.D.S. you idiot. I was worried about you all night.”

“Ouch! I got a headache already, don't need ya adding to it.” he chuckled, rubbing a hand over where you had gently slapped the back of his head.

“Oh hush, you’re fine. Go upstairs and get into bed while I make you some new tea. I see my first one wasn’t up to standard” pointing to the now frigid cup on the end table by the couch, “Make sure to leave me some of the clay mask this time. Least you could do for making so worried all night.”

“Or I could make it up to you another way.” his eyebrows wriggled slightly before he lifted his arm to up to sneeze into his elbow.

“Yeah, I’m gonna take a raincheck on that one, hot shot. Don’t need your leaky nose dripping everywhere on me.”

“It was one time!” he yelled from the stairs, the giggle in his voice evident even from so far away.

#im not the proudest of this one #but i think its kinda cute #harry styles #harry styles imagine #harry styles imagines #harry styles blurb #harry styles blurbs #harry styles one shot #harry styles one shots

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dwindlingashesburnt · 5 years

Text

How long do the shields stay down?

This is something I think is really really important for you to be aware of if you're in a situation that's bad for you or are just doing kinda shit in any way - physical, mental, emotional, whatever. And I'm including stuff like food, shelter, sleep under physical for the sake of this

And that is this - at some point your body and or mind will almost definitely try to protect you by shielding you from it. When it's mental or emotional this is typically a very long term thing to keep you safe that you have to actively unlearn, as is physical stuff like training yourself not to flinch or stuff like that. When it's a lack of something physical like sleep or food or so on, it's generally just intended to keep you going until you manage to get whatever it is you needed, at which point the shields should start falling on their own pretty quickly

But the obvious problem with this is that if you're being shielded from the problem, you don't know how bad said problem is. You might not even be sure what the problem is, or even worse, might not even be aware that there is a problem. This means that until those shields go down, you can't figure out what's wrong or how to fix it, and you may end up actually making the problem much worse without realising in the meantime

(That's the end of the general advice bit - which is important btw! - and now goes into my own stuff, which isn't important except to me cos it's mostly just venting so feel free to stop reading at this point)

I rediscovered this yesterday night.

Every time I get this badly worn down, it always happens exactly the same way - I've already been apathetic and tired for quite a while, low on sleep, and been constantly tense for a long time, but bc I'm apathetic and can't sleep, I stay up watching videos on youtube for far too long. At some point, I find myself actually in quite a bit of pain and only then realise it's because I'm so incredible tense, and at this point I start finding it to be a real struggle to focus my vision or pick out the voices and concentrate enough to really watch videos. A while after this, I normally find that I'm shaking uncontrollably, and acknowledge to myself that it's most likely a mixture of a shitty mental place, being so tense for so long, and utter exhaustion. So to double check, I put some simple music on that doesn't require much focus, close my eyes and focua on going limp - I know that if my own thoughts fade to absolutely nothing while the singing drifts through my mind, and that I lose ALL tension and start melting into the bed...This means I'm on the point of passing out and or veering into dangerously sleep deprived suicidal ideation type territory, and need to sleep stat.

And this is the part that really alarms me - before I go to bed I need to put the light on so I don't trip, put my phone on charge, go to the bathroom and have a drink of water. Before sitting up at this stage I am AWAYS exhausted, noticably shaking, struggling to focus my vision beyond a blur, and so mentally wiped out I can barely string a single thought together, not to mention thirsty, empty, and feeling tired down to my bones, off balance and like I want to either pass out or start sobbing any second.

But by the time I get back into bed I'm always seemingly fine, if not better than when I first started watching videos - and this fucking scares me.

Because that switch happens in less than five or so minutes! Nothing has changed in that time, I am still on the borderline of passing out, I am still exhausted, I am still in an absolute shit place both mentally and emotionally and quite frequently in the middle of a relapse, and god knows what else. NOTHING HAS CHANGED I'm just far too good at putting up a front even to myself, and so practiced at it I just do it automatically- even though this normally happens around 2am or 1am when there is absolutely nobody to put up a front for!

And when I get back in bed, if I didn't remember exactly how bad I had been not ten minutes before, even I wouldn't realise there was any issue whatsoever! Let alone an issue THAT bad

That means that every time I walk into the bathroom and instantly feel sluggish thoughts crawling through my mind and then rapidly speeding up to a somewhat normal speed, every time I fill my water bottle and watch as my hands go from shaking so bad I dropped my phone and struggled to take out my earphones to not shaking at all, every time I stand and feel the majority of the tension leave and my shoulders force themselves up and back into more of a slouch and less a slump, every time I realise my vision is suddenly clear enough to be able to plug my phone in, and balance good enough to safely walk past the landing...It scares the fucking shit out of me.

I don't make any conscious, or as far as I'm aware, unconscious decision to do this, to put up this front - it just fucking happens without my input, automatically. That's terrifying because it suggests it's going to be difficult or even impossible to stop this, or any lesser form of this, from happening in the future

It also alarms me that it tricks me, that it goes so far as forcing my thoughts and mindset to shift, and that it happens when I'm entirely alone and safe. That's fucking scary - how do I stop it if I'm not even aware of it, if it's deep enough to change how my thoughts are happening, if no outside input seems to affect it? It's not a case of just, remove the bad input and I'll be fine - what do I do with that?!

Additionally, the fact that it's so thorough, tricks even me and happens without my input..I'm horribly aware that means that at more or less any moment I may be maintaining this front and not even realise. And I know for a fact it impacts my decisions...It makes me feel scared that maybe, maybe I'm hurting far more often and far more than I think, maybe I'm effectively lying most if not all of the time, maybe I'm making decisions I wouldn't if I wasn't shielding, maybe, maybe others don't even know me properly with this.

It's only maybe ten minutes total between music (shield down) and getting back in bed (shields up)

Sometimes I suddenly and very temporarily break free of this front, or apathy, or simple fear and nonoIcan't, and message my friends trying to tell them things I urgently want to share that I know I won't be able to when those shields come back up, so it's urgent and important.....And sometimes they don't reply in time and they ask something like, "what is it?" but I won't have the words anymore, or it won't seem important, or it will seem like the worst idea ever, or I'll struggle to even remember what "it" was, or I'll feel unable to say it

But every time I know I urgently wanted to say something, and now I can't because my mind and body is just, doing its damn best to protect me, which I appreciate but I just....But it also is awful because I don't know how to tell them in a way that makes sense "I'm sorry. You missed your ten minutes. I can't, I can't, I'm sorry - I want to but I can't. You missed it" so...so often I end up deflecting because at that point really do anything else

And usually in THAT kinda scenario it's not ten minutes (it may be anywhere from 2 minutes to 2 hours) but it never lasts too long so, so if they're not online or busy or caught up in another conversation etcetcetc......I lose the chance to be honest.

And I often don't get another chance to be really, truly honest, for LITERAL MONTHS

Apparently it's been determined that this is the best way to keep me safe and not in even worse health, but it's also incredibly isolating and I hate it

Quite often all I really want to say or do is more than a quickly passed over "I love you" and a brief hug - I want to be able to say "I love you. You're my best friend and I love you for this reason and this reason and this reason. You're amazing, and I love you - you help me in this way and this way and this way and I'm so grateful. If there's ever anyway I can ever help you or make you happy...Tell me. I want you to be happy. I love you - how could I not love you?"

And I CAN'T and I FUCKING CAN'T and I can't share any of the other stuff about my experiences or personality or relationships or opinions or anything that my brain has deemed "unsafe" BECAUSE OF ABSOLUTE PIECES OF SHIT WHO THINK IT'S SO FUCKING FUNNY TO BULLY AND BELITTLE AND GASLIGHT AND EMOTIONALLY ABUSE AND HURT AND IT'S NOT FAIR

The three biggest things for me, are affection, understanding, and being close to people

Do you know how much it fucking kills me to not be able to say EXACTLY how much I love everyone near me, because I was told so often that to love anyone and especially to love so freely, was am invitation to be hurt?

Do you know how alone and miserable and frustrated I get when I try to be understood and understand others and succeed in neither?

I nearly started crying one time because I was with my dad and sibling, and that was all, both of whom should be safe, and I started telling a funny story about one of our cats. And suddenly I just realised that the words coming out of my mouth weren't the truth. I knew damn well they weren't, and I hadn't been planning to lie at all, and I'd started off truthfully, but some stupid small part of me had started going "this isn't safe this isn't safe you'll be hurt they'll hurt you scream at you make you feel like you should be dead they'll make you cry then call you evil for it it's not safe it's not safe" so suddenly I realised the words coming out of my mouth weren't the ones I meant to say, and I tried to stop talking and it didn't work, and I tried to go back to how it actually happened or just my original story which was very very minorly altered (like 10% different from the truth) to keep me safe, but I couldn't and that scared me because I just kept talking, this version of the story that played up how cute and tiresome the cat was, that simultaneously diminished my part in it all and yet at the same time painted me as being silly and harmless and useful and entertaining and I just....I remember I freaked out a bit when I kept speaking even though I didn't want to, but that part of me was still going "not safe not safe not safe" and then I remember feeling for an instant like I was going to have to flee because I was about to start sobbing, but then I just felt some part of me shatter and go dim and silent and die. And suddenly I felt hollow and miserable and I was shielded again, and so I just kept talking even though later I cried about it and freaked out a lot and just...I hadn't even meant to lie. I was safe. I was among allies. It was a harmless story about a cat that didn't even feature me heavily and certainly didn't cast me in a bad light, but the entire time some part just kept chanting "not safe not safe they'll hurt you you musnt you cant you cant let them theyll hurt you its not safe its not safe its not safe"

And that fucking kills me

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thedappleddragon · 3 years

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twofer because sleep schedule madness

Woken up at noon by dad, left at 2something to go driving for a couple hours to practice parallel parking, running over lots of cones in the process because they were too short for us to see. Stopped practice early so we could go to the hardware store to pick up hooks so my sister can set up a hammock, and went grocery shopping where it was VERY CROWDED and gave me a little headache, partially from chewing gum too long. We got home and my dad started cooking dinner on the grill and I helped by making stuffed mushrooms which turned out amazing :) we had asparagus and mushrooms and scallops and burgers and pork chops and hot dogs and pasta salad and potato salad oh my. My friend dropped by to pick up the bear I made them, but first they went grocery shopping and lost their wallet lol. Afterwards I hung out for a bit and accidentally fell asleep. I woke up for half a second when my dad came in to turn off my light, and didn’t wake up again until 1am or so. My dreams were centered around a mechanic of matching rhythms and events to move time forward or something, idk. But since I went to bed early and just now woke up when I would normally start thinking about going to sleep, I’m afraid I’ve fucked up my sleep schedule and won’t be able to go back to sleep tonight. I’m gonna try tho. (all that was typed at 1 am, its now midnight the next night) so no I did NOT go back to sleep. instead I watched tiktoks and drew Bugsnax but mostly some random gemsonas. I washed the sun rise and heard my mom come home from morning shift, but eventually my sister got up and started her day so I got up too. I felt just a little sick, just like the embodiment of sour milk, and my head spun just a little bit as I walked down the hall. but I ate a bagel and hung out and was fine. there was freezing rain outside so all the trees had little icicles on them so I couldn't go outside with my cat, and I couldn't go driving with my dad. I finfished up the tiktok and hung out, played some stardew valley, ya know. I talked with my mom for a little bit and we ate together and I struggled to not eat the rest of the girl scout cookies dad bought yesterday. I was just chilling in my room when my sister walked in with a letter from ball state talking about tuition costs, and I made the mistake of showing my dad which stressed him out on his day off which I feel kinda bad about. but then he kept giving me lists of stuff to do and kept telling me; in the kitchen, in the living room, standing in my doorway- it sucked. instead of doing something productive I listened to tally hall and put on 5 asmr videos at once to block out everything I possibly could and I just laid like that for a while until I could move again. my brother texted me and i watched a video about the dorm I'm staying in and DAMN IT LOOKS SO NICE?? its a new building with fully stocked maker spaces and a kitchen and semi-private bathrooms and communal spaces that remind me of my high school and a really clean and tidy laundry room. I think I'll like living there, but tbh lately I've been stressed and hesitant about college. I know it’ll be a great time and I'll learn a lot but I cant help it. idk man. but I did spend some time checking off stuff for the to-do list they sent in the mail. I don't understand the proxy but I promise I'll do it soon. I also set up a time/date for my drivers license test which I do not feel ready for AT ALL but hey we still have a week and a halfish. I also need to tally up my driving hours which is hard because I didn't consistently write them down :x oops. I'm pretty dang sure I have enough, I just have to fudge the exact times. that's another thing I was supposed to do today. ugh god I'm thinking too much about college tuition. maybe if I can funnel my energy away from stardew and back into fursuit making, I can make some decent money off of that. I just need to order a couple furs but the long white shag is out of stock right now. it’s never in stock tho which fuckin sucks. bleh I have too many things happening at once, and on top of all this I feel like a lazy shithead disappointment of a child because I just bum around the house all the time while all my friends are working full time or doing school or both and fhdgfdsflgjs shit sucks :( I think I'll get some good pictures of my brown puffy paws and try to pawn them off, maybe sell one of my mostly-finished fursuit heads as a fixer upper and throw in her unfinished paw and the fabric I used for it if I can find it. for now I just dont want to think about it and play stardew valley or something instead. I was gonna say maybe I’ll play Webkinz but it brings me a little sense of dread because I feel bad for not playing daily but when I do it feels like a chore. ughhhhh why do I have to throw myself into things 100% for a while and then give up on them? oh right its the mental illness. fuck. maybe some of this is just from being awake for almost 24 hours now. but does it even count if most of that time is laying in bed concerting energy anyway? I found out during highschoolI can pull an all nighter mostly unscathed as long as I'm laying down in bed while I do it. Ifeel guilty about not using my desk or cleaning my room or having mom spend all this time money and effort to try and make my room nice but instead I still do everything in bed. fuck. I wished I could have talked with my friend about feeling left behind and unproductive since school let out but it turns out she’s been working full time so I really am a slacker and dragging behind everyone else. why the fuck am I like this I hate it here why do I have to go through life with unmedicated adhd. godamnit this is all gonna be irrelevant in like 5 minuted when I fuck off and watch youtube to forget about it anyway so who cares. I didnt mean for my daily report to turn into a vent, sorry

#thanks for coming to my ted talk #march 2021 daily #2021 daily #long post #vent #also I started feeling very Gender during the tally hall moment

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writeamarachi · 6 years

Text

THREE IN TWO YEARS

VICTORIA

Victoria’s mind wandered as she sipped on her glass of red wine, craving for intimacy and a body to devour. Not just anybody but his body. Her heart pummeled an undiscovered pulse that rendered in places soft and wet. She breathed in deeply trying to grasp ever breath she held inside, then exhaling in an erotic moan. She wanted to play, but hadn’t a teammate. What could she do with her time of need, but stay laying on her pillowy bed fantasizing her lust for him. She wanted him; she longed for his words and hungered for everything he hid within, everything he was afraid of. She wanted to know more than his name, but his name was all she had. She called out in a whispering moan, “Brad!” How she wished he were here, but he was on the other side of the world. Not a land far away, but one that seemed too far to go to at that moment. What could he give her, but a fantasy. She didn’t trust his readiness, or his longing for her. She asked herself, “What do you truly want from me, Brad?” But he wasn’t there to answer. He usually wasn’t there. She turned to her side, folded and rested her head on her forearms as her eyes dripped tears of lament. She wept for her lover, her love. She wept for him, but knew she could not have him, not yet.

BRAD

Brad’s mind raced a marathon. He wasn’t sure of anything. One side drew him to a conclusion, but the other showed vengeance. He was stuck in the middle. He had his new girl waiting, waiting for him to grab her and tell her she’s all his and he is all hers. But there was something preventing him from that act, something stronger than he recognized. He paced back and forth inside his dimly lit apartment in a confusing spree of thought. A woman he loves, no, a woman he once loved who suddenly ended things, is still a hanging picture on his wall. He stopped in his steps and stared at her photo, almost gazing through it as if to summon her alive. His will wasn’t strong enough to remove her from his wall. He told Victoria, his new girl, that he was over that chapter of his life, of his ex-lover, “But why is her picture still hanging there?” he asked himself, aloud. He seemed unable to settle into his emotions.He could not even decide where to go to clear his mind because being in his home, pacing, and staring at the photo was not helping with answers. What drove him wasn’t driving him any longer, and the music he wanted to play wasn’t forming clearly. He stared solemnly at the guitar that rested at the feet of his bed, it was neglected. The confusion was driving him into a dark place, a place he didn’t want to revisit. He finally decided to walk out of his apartment to freshen his perspective.

MANDI

Mandi sat on her stool overlooking her kitchen counter and the entire of the kitchen. She drowned her troubles in a pint of ice cream; it was his favorite ice cream as well. She drifted into a time when they both were in unity, at the top of the world. A time when she was secure in knowing that he was always there for her, but this time things were different. She had to let him go, because her heart was not in it anymore. Brad would probably be there for someone else, he’d be alright. She thpught. After all, she gave him the right to make her his second choice or rather, not even a choice at all, when she told him it was over. As she sat there, twirling the ice cream in its pint, and wished that she hasn’t uttered those words. But what will taking them back do now? Nothing! She thought. She was alone in her house with no one to hold as the minutes grew quiet. Even though she shared the space with her lovely flat mates, they were all asleep. Before they went off to dreamland, they tried cheering her up with stories, laughters, her favorite comedy films and the pint of ice cream she was eating; it helped. But now, sitting alone, he colonized her heart. Every pulse in her body wanted to call him, but she thought it wasn’t going to accomplish much. After all, he answer in that nonchalant tone of his he uses when trying to hide his true emotions. She wished his words would embrace her as they had in the past. Would they? She thought to herself as she looked towards the counter at her phone. She grabbed her phone, held it in her hand in contemplation while twiling her, no, their favorite ice cream.

***************

BRAD

Brad walked back into familiar territories, a place he’d sworn off when he was with Mandi. It was the same place his family beleaguered him about in the past. He found himself back there, standing at the main entrance, weighing if he should walk in. It use to be home to him for years, a home with the happiest and worst memories. But before he could make a decision, his best pal, Christophe, tapped him on his shoulders and walked him into Lucky’s Tavern. Maybe Christophe’s vent of all his womanizing would heal Brad’s wounds or even draw him to a decision about Victoria and Mandi. “Brad!” Christophe shouted, as they stood at the bar in Lucky’s Tavern. “Where have you been all my life, man?,“ Brad said jokingly. “Long time now see. What were you doing standing outside like that?” Brad didn’t answer, just yet, as he stared at Christophe’ ordering a beer. He thought of ordering one, but knew it would be the start of a path he did not want to revist. He watched, still on mute, as Christophe ordered his beer and led him to a seat for both of them.purchased a beer for himself. As they sat on the tattered cheers of Lucky’s Tavern, Brad whispered to himself, “Why am I here? Should I get a drink? No. I’ll just wait.“ He had given up drinking for two years since being with Mandi, although their relationship lasted a total of two and a half years. His drinking had led to an all time low, it controlled every decision he made and almost landed him in prison twice. Reaching his low, he’d given up that lifestyle. But, right now, as he sat in Lucky’s Tavern, he knew temptation was at his feet. He knew one drink wouldn’t let him Christophe placed his beer in between Brad and him. Brad stared blankly at the drink in front of him, which left a worried look on Christophe’s face. At that moment, Christophe shifted the drink away from Brad to the side of the table. Brad stared at Christophe’s hands while he did so. “What’s up Brad? You don’t look too well, man.” Christophe asked. “Ah…” Brad said guardedly. “Ah… I’m all right. Just a bit stressed is all.” "My man, you look worse than stressed. What’s eating you?” Brad thought for a moment if divulging his mental and emotional state to Christophe was a good idea. He knew Christophe was his best mate, but laying down all his turmoil onto one man, who might not be in the correct humor to hear anything melancholy, wouldn’t be fair. He held his breath tightly and released a long sigh, which only made Christophe worriedly curious. I shouldn’t have done that. He thought, after noticing Christophe’s inquired glare. “Okay, now I know something is eating you. Man, let me know! I’m sure whatever it is can be easily dealt with.” Christophe said, with sudden enthusiasm to help. Brad, decidedly said, “It’s about a lady…” Before he could finish Christophe sporadically responded, “Oh is it that Victoria lady I’ve seen you with a couple of times before? She’s a fine!” He finished with an oblong smile filled of ardor in his eyes. Brad didn’t know whether to protect the Victoria who had slowly overtaken his heart or to let Christophe enjoy his momentary fantasy of her. He let Christophe enjoy it, but couldn’t decipher what exactly Christophe was thinking of by the look of drooling excitement in his eyes. I just hope he isn’t imagining her naked or worse, goodness! Brad thought. Continuing, Brad said, “Yes, it’s about Vicki.” He paused, then said, “And Mandi.” “Mandi?” Christophe yelped in surprise. “Bro, what else do you want with Mandi? Didn’t she leave you? Forget her, man.” Christophe said, with slight frustration. Brad looked down at the table somewhat embarrassed but didn’t want to hold back his feeling to Christophe. He answered, “She did, but we are sort of trying to be friends now, all according to her. She called me around 1am the other night. I didn’t pick up, but I wanted to call her back. She ended things, and I’m not sure what to do with her and of Vicki. Vicki’s a beautiful lady inside and out, I’m beginning to like her. I’m just confused, man, just confused.” Brad concluded, shaking his head. With eyebrows raised, Christophe spoke, “If I were you I’d leave Mandi alone and go with Vicki. You’ve known of Vicki for a while now. What is it, like two years now? And you both are closer now than before. Having Mandi, there, especially with some kind of weird, ‘I love you, want to fuck you, but we are friends,’ kind of atmosphere between you two, will only complicate things for you, Mandi, and might turn Vicki off. And honestly, I don’t think Vicki’s the kind of girl who’d wait for you, man. She’s probably moving on as we speak.” The words that came out of Christophe’s lips only burnt holes in Brad’s heart. It rang true that Victoria was the best for Brad. Something new, something tasteful and delightful, something risky; he’s always been a risk taker, but what kept him from taking this plunge? He hadn’t an idea. He sat there while Christophe spilled a verbal list of pros and cons but he listens fixedly. He could not escape his best man’s honest words.

VICTORIA

The phone rang, Victoria sluggishly removed her body from the bed to answer its call. Her mind wasn’t letting her eyes make out what was in front of her or where the phone was for that matter. She began to scavenge over her mountains of notes and letters, hoping to find the rings’ location. No luck, until she stared at the side table and located a red blinking light. “There it goes!” she said to herself while running over to answer it. She picked up the call on what seemed to be the last ring and luckily caught the person on the other end. “Hello?” she said as she caught her breath. “Hello, Vicki? It’s your mother.” Not enthralled at hearing her mother’s voice on the other end of the line, Victoria reluctantly said in a monotone voice, “Hello mother. How are you? What’s going on?” Victoria’s mother, Charlotte, did not often call her, but only for emergencies. Victoria only hoped all was well, especially with her father. She didn’t want to hear any bad news adding to her mood. “Vicki dear, don’t be so rude to your mother. I’m only calling because I was concerned about you. Georgia mentioned to me that you weren’t yourself. Are you pregnant, Vicki?” In Victoria’s world, being pregnant would be the last of her worries, but to Charlotte, her mother, it seemed to be the end of the world if any of her daughters became pregnant out of wedlock. Victoria’s instincts were to slam the phone down, leaving her mother at the end of the other line in distress but that seemed a wrong idea. She simply took a deep breath in and exhaled softly out as they taught in her Yoga classed; something to do with calming nerves and relaxing muscles. She figured it’d work for anger as well. “No mother, I am not pregnant. I’m just not feeling too enthusiastic at the moment. It’ll pass. Don’t worry yourself too much.” Victoria exclaimed. “Well, all right Vicki, I don’t want my head bitten off. I will leave you be. But please learn to call me as Georgia does. It’ll be nice to hear how you are from you, not your sister. Also, your father dearly misses you, so call and check on him too. He’d love that.” Relieved that the conversation with her mother was coming to an end, Victoria smiled, saying, “I will, mother. You have yourself a nice evening and tell Papa I miss him so much too. I will talk to you both over the weekend.” Charlotte agreed and both women hung up their phones in accordance. A few minutes later the phone rang again. Victoria could not believe it. Victoria grunted in displeasure as she walked towards the phone. “Hello? Who’s speaking please?” Victoria said in exasperation, hoping it wasn’t her mother again. The person on the other end cleared their throat and immediately Victoria noticed it was a male calling, but didn’t know who he might be. “Hello, Vicki, it’s me Brad.” Victoria placed her hand on her chest as though her heart was trying to escape its cave. His mind spun as fast as light years and her breath was caught in her voice box; she could not speak a word. “Hello, Vicki? You there?” Brad slightly yelled, hoping she did not hang up on him. “Um…” Victoria finally spoke. “Um, yeah, I’m here. Um, Yeah… how are you Brad?” Brad chuckled a bit, and answered, “I’m fine. I was just calling to see how you were. How are you?” “I’m doing great!” Victoria lied. “Just tidying up around here, as usual.” They both giggled, followed by a long awkward pause. Both having nothing but sorrows and aches in their hearts for one another and the situation they were in, they both sat in silence, hearing the other’s breath and background commotion within the phone. Victoria wanted only to tell her love how much she cherished him, but she held herself back waiting to see what he wanted to tell her. What his reasons for calling were. Brad cleared his throat and said, “So… Um, I was wondering if you were up to anything tomorrow, maybe we could both get some dinner, say around 7pm? What do you think?” Victoria’s heart fluttered like butterflies in springtime chasing their next flower. She could not believe she’d have the chance to see her love, again. She did not want to screech like a schoolgirl so she simply muttered, “Yes, tomorrow at 7pm works.” And they both easily hung up after Brad told her he’d give her a call when he gets out of work.

MANDI

“Goodness, it’s cold out here!” Mandi murmured under her breath. She was on her way to see Kathleen and John, mutual friends of hers and Brad’s and the happiest couple she knew. They met the couple at one of Brad’s performances. She wasn’t too excited to meet them because she knew they were aware of her and Brad’s sudden end. She did not want to be appointed the role of announcing their end or even analyzing why they came to an end with two inseparable lovers. It was just not a subject she thought would be wonderful to speak on at the moment. She wanted all but to be reminded of Brad. Her want for him has, in a span of two days, turn into a secret loath of his existence. Not that her love for him did not exist, but her want for him was vanishing. Her heart still sang the songs of ache because it wasn’t so simple to erase a memory of two and a half years, no matter how easy it was to say it. Mandi caught a glimpse of Kathleen and John within the windows of Perdu, one of the couple’s favorite restaurants. It was known that Perdu was the same restaurant the couple met, and it’s the same restaurant they planned on having cater their, unsure but expected, wedding. Thinking of weddings forced Mandi to regurgitate her lunch and skipping a beat in her step, almost falling on her knees. A strange man near her assisted her asking her whether she was alright. She was fine and thanked him, continuing in the direction of Perdu. As she settled in the doors of Perdu, closing her eyes to the warmth that came from as she stood in the doorway, Kathleen and John summited her to their table, which was set for four. She wondered who the other seat was for. She walked towards them with a bit of distaste in her mouth. “Hey!” Mandi said, smiling from cheek to cheek, a false smile she quickly drew on her face from the pits of her stomach. Kathleen and John got up from their seats to embrace her in an exclaim greeting mirroring hers. She sat across Kathleen with a look of curiosity on her cheek. She wondered if Kathleen was trying to set her up with another one of her menacing male friends. The last man Kathleen set her up with was nothing less than arrogant and narcissistic. She did not want a repeat of that night. Kathleen recognized the look on her face and immediately consoled her. “Babe, don’t worry, there’s no one coming. I heard about yours and Peter’s outing and I extremely apologize! I don’t know what I was thinking setting you up with that fool. He seemed enthusiastic, so I…” Before she finished Mandi interjected saying, “It’s all right Kathleen. No need to apologize. The night is behind us. Now how are you lovelies doing?” John felt the need to answer seeing as Kathleen almost wasted her breath, trying to apologize for the faults of Peter. “We’re doing very well, but we haven’t seen you in a while, Mandi. How you are you doing after, you know, the Brad thing? How is that fucker doing, anyhow?” Kathleen looked at John annoyed and said, “Babe, how is she suppose to know how Brad is doing, when they aren’t together anymore.” She turns to Mandi in a shocked look asking, “Unless you have spoken to him recently. Have you?” “No, I haven’t. I swear you two seem more involved in my love life than in your own.” Mandi said irritatingly at the fact that they brought up Brad so quickly. “I don’t care to talk about him if you both don’t mind.” Kathleen and John both in harmony said, “We don’t mind at all. Sorry!” The table was silent for a moment and all Mandi could do was drift off in memory of herself and Brad. From the time they first met to their ending. A bittersweet feeling rested on her tongue. She decided to take a sip of the warm Vanilla Bean, Cappuccino that sat in front of her; Kathleen remembered it was her favorite drink at Perdu, so she ordered it before Mandi arrived. Letting the gulp of the Cappuccino settle in her belly, she knew it was what she needed. She was in need of the perfect mixture of warm and sweet, which wrestled the bittersweet thoughts of Brad. She did wonder what he was up to but hadn’t an idea, but she didn’t want to think anymore of it, because it angered her. It angered her that he couldn’t pick up her phone call, or hadn’t returned it in a couple of days now. She ended things, but didn’t think it would have taken this toll, where they couldn’t talk to one another as friends. She missed talking to him. The remainder of the evening was spent jabbering about both John’s and Kathleen’s future plans together while Mandi, sadly, spoke about her work and school endeavors. She felt all right not having a man by her side or rather Brad there with her, although she wanted to share ideas with him. She felt her own, and was ready to let him go and enjoy her life. Her possibilities seemed limitless. VICTORIA AND BRAD

Waking up from a light slumber Victoria noticed the time recited 5:35 PM. She did not expect to sleep that long after returning from her office. She only expected to nap for an hour or so, but it wasn’t a time she needed to spend analyzing why she slept in. She needed to start getting ready for her evening with Brad, an evening she was looking forward to, to either receive welcoming news or news that will end her chapter with Brad before it even began. She didn’t know what to expect of the evening, but thought to wear her best because no matter the outcome, her memory of how good she looked will stand out the more. She rushed into the bathroom, rinsed herself lightly of the toxins she might have carried with her from her day at work, so she can feel refreshed for the evening to come. After lotion, makeup, and seductive smelling perfume, she slipped her satin red dress over her medium curled locks. She was ready to take on the evening by the groins, dreaming of Brad grabbing her with his masculine build, holding her tightly to a sexual moan. “Oh Brad, you don’t know how much I hunger for your touch, for your voice.” She said as she slipped on her high heeled sandals. She put on her jewelry and grabbed her purse and a light sweater, then walked swiftly on cloud 9 outside her front door. But while she walked down the first couple of steps she remembered that Brad hadn’t called her yet. She smiled at her mishap and walked back into her apartment. She threw the sweater, her keys, and bag onto the couch and sat in front of the television in a trance. She soon rose and walked to the kitchen to grab a wine glass out of the cabinet, a bottle of Shiraz off the countertop and poured.

A moment later her cell phone rang. The caller ID blinked “Brad Mullard.“ She slowly picked up after four rings, refusing to show her excitement as though he could see it through the phone. “Hello?” “Hi Vicki, sorry I took longer to reach you, I was held up with some last minute paperwork. Are you still up for meeting tonight?” “Yes, of course I am. Where am I going?” “You can take a taxi, I’ll pay your way to… Wait, do you have a pen and pad?” “Hold on, I’m getting one now.” Victoria ran to her writing desk and grabbed a pen and pad. “Okay, got it. To where?” Brad gave her the address to Zaranda, a restaurant he’d grown to love, the same as it seemed of Victoria as well. It has been a special restaurant to him when he needed a Five Star-cooked meal without the hassle and pretense but one that held baroque. Brad waited a while for Victoria to arrive at the taxi. He told her to call as soon as she saw Zaranda’s awning; it was impassable. A few minutes went by and a ring came to his cell that blinked “Vicki Vick.” His heart fluttered and stomach filled with butterflies. He hasn’t seen her yet and his body was shaking because of her. This feeling coming upon him, told him what he was doing was exactly what he is supposed to do. He walked outside Zaranda, without a blink, he noticed Victoria standing aside a yellow taxi, his eyes widen. He nearly tripped on his toes, and smiled at her beauty. Victoria giggled at his clumsiness as she waited glowingly by the taxi. As Brad neared her, his fingers grazed her soft flesh, sending shock waves down his spine and hers as well. Before he paid the taxi driver, Brad reached in, and embraced Victoria by her waist, which made her knees feeble. The cab driver yelled out the window for his payment, but when he noticed the two entwined in a kiss, he smiled and cheered for them. Others walked pass Victoria and Brad, also smiling in cheers for the two. Catching a breath from their tight lock both Victoria and Brad beamed at one another, staring deeply into each other’s eyes. They both knew now, that’s where they were, was exactly where they were suppose to be.

[Amarachi Esowe: 12.2013]

#short story #short stories #love story #relationships #triangle #love triangle #after breakup #breakups #first dates #three sides to a story #amarachiesowe #writeamarachi #love stories #happy ending #writing #writer #creative writing

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doctorsorders-deathboy · 7 years

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Cake

Based on the one word prompt “Cake” sent in by @rainyclodstoday (ty!!). I seriously considered writing a fic based on the Melanie Martinez song but decided, "NO! NO ANGST. ONLY FLUFF," and I ended up with this. I hope you enjoy :)

Summary: There are few problems chocolate and a considerate boyfriend can't fix. Even if it's the middle of the night.

Word Count: 1259

Read on ao3

Nico had always enjoyed solitude. No matter how happy he was or how many people there were in his life that he cared about, alone time had always been important to him. Will apologized sometimes for always being so busy but Nico didn’t mind all that much. Will made an effort to spend as much time with Nico as possible despite the fact that he was working his ass off to become a doctor, and Nico appreciated that. They had fallen into a rhythm in their relationship that they were both happy with.

Nico regularly got plenty of time to himself in their apartment while Will was at school and interning. The longest of these times was Monday nights, when Will had to stay out until 10pm, which meant it was usually the most productive time for Nico.

Nico would get the bulk of his own schoolwork done and usually managed to clean a bit of their apartment before burrowing in their bed and reading or watching some TV. One Monday, Nico found himself so engrossed in a history documentary that he barely registered the door opening from across the apartment.

“Hey,” Nico called out a few moments later, once his brain had processed the noise he’d heard.

“Hey,” came the half-hearted response.

Nico frowned but didn’t move. It wasn’t unusual for Will to be tired on Monday night. It was routine for him to get ready for bed before cuddling next to Nico and venting a bit if he needed it.

Sure enough, Will appeared in the bedroom and moved to grab his pajamas like he did every Monday. His eyes were redder than usual, though, causing Nico to turn down the volume on the TV.

“You okay?”

Will sighed as he began to change. “I didn’t get the internship,” he admitted after a short silence.

“Oh. I’m sorry.” Nico tried to sound as sincere as he could as he wracked his brain for details surrounding said internship. He could recall Will talking about it previously but couldn’t remember any specifics. He’d been more focused on helping Will study and prepare for his upcoming tests. The internship application hadn’t felt like such a big deal in the long run.

“It’s just frustrating,” Will continued, “because the guy who got it doesn’t have nearly as many qualifications as I do. He just got the internship because he knows the right people. He didn’t put in half as much work as most of the applicants did.”

Will left to brush his teeth before coming back and getting in bed next to Nico, who turned off the TV and rolled over to face Will.

“I don’t know. I’ve just had a lot on my plate lately and to see this jackass just get handed what he wants without having to do much to get it… It was the last straw, I guess.”

Nico smiled at him sympathetically, pushing a golden curl out of his face. “I’m sorry. But hard work’s going to get you a lot farther in the long run. This guy might be able to accomplish some things while slacking but he won’t get far. Your brain’s going to accomplish much more.”

Will smiled tiredly. “Thanks, Nico.”

Nico kissed him on the forehead. “Do you want some tea or something?”

“No, thanks. I just need sleep.”

Nico nodded and rolled over to turn out the light before facing Will again. “You’re kicking ass, you know. I can’t believe the amount of work you put in every week without keeling over.”

Will laughed shortly. “No, I definitely end up keeling over.”

Nico smiled at him in the darkness. “Goodnight, Will.”

“Night, Nico.”

~*~

Sometime in the middle of the night, the bed shifted as Will got up to go to the bathroom. Nico grumbled in his sleep at the minor disruption before hearing sniffling. He cracked his eyes open to see Will leaving the room before getting up and following him.

Nico went out to the hall where yellow light shone from beneath the bathroom door. He knocked softly. “Will?”

Will gave a small laugh, but his voice was strained. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you.”

“It’s okay. Can I come in?” There was no response, which Nico knew to take as a yes. He slipped into the room and sat across from Will, who was sitting against the wall with his knees pulled up to his chest. “What’s wrong?” Nico asked softly. He tried to meet Will’s eyes, which were trained insistently on the floor.

Will let out another shaky laugh and moved his hand up to wipe at his eyes. “I don’t know. Everything. I’m just so stressed and I know I need sleep but my mind’s racing and I don’t… I don’t know.”

Nico reached out and took Will’s hands in his own. “Can I get you anything?”

Will shrugged noncommittally but didn’t pull away from Nico’s hands. “Chocolate would be great,” he quipped.

Nico raised an eyebrow at that. “Hm. I’m going to remind you of this moment the next time you go on one of your health shopping sprees. Chocolate heals, not kale.”

This time, Will’s laugh held a bit of its normal joy and his smile felt more genuine. “Fair enough.”

Nico pulled him up and led him to the kitchen where he began searching their cupboards. “What the hell happened to our chocolate?” he asked after searching for a minute.

Will shrugged sleepily. “Dunno. Did you eat it all?”

Probably.

Shit.

“Aha!” Nico exclaimed, victoriously pulling a package out and setting it on the counter.

Will raised his brows. “Cocoa powder?”

“Don’t give me that look, it’s the best we’ve got.”

“Nico, I don’t think you can make hot chocolate with this stuff.”

“I know that. We’re making chocolate cake.”

Nico turned away from Will’s skeptical expression and began to gather the other ingredients they’d need.

“Nico?”

“Yes?”

“It’s 1am.”

Nico sighed, setting a large bowl down on the counter. He looked at Will tiredly. “Are you saying you don’t want to?”

There was a short silence before Will exhaled. “Fine, but you’re cleaning up.”

~*~

Two hours later, the kitchen was a wreck, but the smell coming from the oven made it worth it.

“How edible do you think it’ll be?” Will asked as Nico pulled the cake from the oven.

“Edible enough.” Nico set the pan down on the counter and went to grab plates.

“Nico, wait, it needs to cool. If we try to cut it now, it’ll fall apart.”

Nico yawned. “I’m not waiting for frosting. I’m not waiting for cooling. I’m eating and then I’m going to bed.”

A spatula turned out to be the best utensil for scraping the cake out of the pan and onto plates, and a spoon was best for eating it. Will and Nico laughed as they struggled to get servings onto their plates.

“They weren’t kidding when they said college is crazy,” Will joked. “We’re eating cake with a spoon. At 3am. On a Monday.”

“Tuesday,” Nico corrected.

“Mm.” Will took another bite. “On the bright side, this is very much edible.”

Nico hummed in agreement. “You feeling any better now?”

“Oh, I’m feeling great at the moment. I will definitely hate myself, though, when I’m trying to make it through the day with hardly any sleep.”

Nico yawned. “Gods, me too.”

“Nico?”

“Yeah?”

“Thanks.”

Nico smiled sleepily. “Of course.”

“The next time you’re feeling sad, I’ll make you a cake in the middle of the night, too.”

Nico laughed. “Gods, please don’t.”

#solangelo #nico di angelo #will solace #fanfiction #pjo #hoa #toa #riordanverse #fluff #request #rainyclodstoday

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vizkopa · 7 years

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Closer (Zoro x Reader) Soulmate AU

Fem!Reader Word Count: 2350

You felt soft sunlight on your eyelids, filtered through cheap motel curtains. The smell of freshly made instant coffee—bitter but welcome nevertheless—roused you from sleep, though it was still not enough to mask the scent of the cigarette smoke that permeated the very walls of the place. But you didn’t mind. As far as mornings in motel rooms went, this was pretty close to perfect. Especially when said coffee was being brought to you by a half-naked man in grey sweats that left little to the imagination. He set the coffee down on the stained nightstand, running one hand through still-damp green hair. You smiled sleepily up at him. “Mmm, good morning,” you said. “Morning,” he grinned back. You sat up and stretched, sighing appreciatively as your joints popped. “What time is it?” “Just after nine. We got plenty of time.”

You peered at him curiously from under your lashes. “Plenty of time for what, Roronoa?” you teased. You took the opportunity to really appreciate him in all his post-shower glory. Droplets of water still clung to his bronzed skin, sliding down his bare chest to catch in the waistband of his sweats that hung low on his hips. The edges of a tattoo were just visible beneath his left hip bone, raw and wild and everything that embodied Zoro. You tore your eyes away from it. Looking only made it hurt more to know that some stranger bore its counterpart when it should have been you all along. Zoro noticed the downturn in your mood and tackled you to the bed, peppering kisses over your face and neck, before lavishing attention on your shoulder where your own tattoo stood out like a beacon on your skin. You flinched away from the touch of his lips and he pulled back, the skin between his brows crinkling in a slight frown. “Hey,” he said, running the pads of his thumbs across your cheek bones. His eyes captured yours, daring you to look away. “I love you. No ink is going to change that.” “You’ve never met them. You don’t know that.” “Would you ever go back to him?” “Not in a million years.” “If you can walk away then so can I. Trust me, [Name].” “It’s not you I don’t trust. It’s fate that’s trying to keep us apart.” “Then we keep running. As long as we need to.” You smiled then. “And never look back.” He grinned back. “There’s my girl. Now, we have an hour before we need to check out of here and the this is the first time we’ve had a real bed in a week.” It was mornings like this you lived for. Quiet motels in the middle of nowhere. No one to recognise you, no one to judge you, to hold you back or tie you down. You could take as long as you needed—it was as if time itself waited for you, the occasional truck thundering along the highway outside the only sign it was even still moving at all. Some mornings it got away from you, and you would miss your checkout time. Neither of you minded. You would simply pay for another night—you had nowhere to be. On the road, time didn’t exist. Only the feeling of each other’s skin in the back of your Land Rover, of the sharp sting of teeth on your shoulder, mismatched tattoos bared shamelessly to the world. Together, you felt like you could live forever. But fate doesn’t like it when you disrupt its plans. “Babe, wake up, we’re nearly there,” You opened your eyes blearily and looked at the time. Almost 1am. “Wow, you only managed to get us lost twice this time,” you teased. “Shut up.” “How long?” “About twenty minutes out.” “Wanna switch?” “Nah, I’m good. I’ll sleep when we get there.” The car jerked suddenly and the engine sputtered and died. Zoro wrestled it over to the verge, wrinkling his nose at the acrid smell of smoke seeping in through the vents. “Well, shit.” Your heart sank. “Seriously, again? This old bucket of junk is costing us more than it’s worth.” “We can walk it maybe? If we hurry, we can make it before the sun rises, find a motel, call a mechanic.”

“I’m not walking along a highway at one in the morning. We’ll get killed and left in a ditch or something.” “Then you can wait here and I’ll go get help.” “That’s even worse!” “You got a better idea?” You twisted in your seat to flash him a mischievous grin. “We could just wait here. I’m sure we can find a way to… occupy ourselves until morning.” Zoro looked at you, incredulous. “You are insatiable.” “Only for you.” His hands were on you in an instant, pulling you into his lap. “I wouldn’t have it any other way.” It was almost noon the next day before the repair service finally arrived and you were dying for a coffee. Despite living out of your car for the last six months, you were still not used to sleeping in car seats. Zoro had even let you take the back seat that night. It didn’t seem to matter; you were still nursing a crick in your neck. The truck pulled up beside you and a young woman jumped out. She was wearing the most outrageously short jean shorts and a shirt bearing the company’s logo and her name—Bonney—across the breast. Her obnoxiously pink hair was too bright for such a morning and it only left you all the more sour about your situation. For every idealistic morning fooling around in motel rooms with Zoro, there were always those mornings that made you wonder if it was all worth it. After relaying what happened to the mechanic, Zoro sidled up to you and pressed a kiss to your temple. Humming contentedly, you moulded yourself against his side and closed your eyes. Yeah. It was worth it. “I found your problem, but I’m gonna have to take a better look at it back at the shop. I can give you folks a ride into town if you like?” Zoro was in the middle of accepting her offer when you saw it. The way her shirt rode up ever so slightly as she reached up to pull the hood back down, the sharp lines of the tattoo that stood out stark against the white skin below her left hip bone. You heard Zoro’s sharp intake of breath. It was the sound of your whole world collapsing around you. Of all the roads in the country, your car had to break down on this one. You almost wanted to laugh. You felt Zoro’s hand on your shoulder. “We’ll talk about this when we get to a hotel.” Neither of you said anything the whole ride into town. Zoro stared blankly out of the window, a slight frown furrowing his brow. You were concentrating on trying to keep your breathing under control, trying not to think about how you were currently sitting wedged between your boyfriend and your boyfriend’s soulmate. Fate really was cruel. Bonney dropped the two of you off at a motel close to her shop. “I’ll call when you can pick her up.” Then she was gone and you could breathe again. Zoro booked your room while you waited outside. You had no idea how he was staying so calm in this situation. If your own experience was anything to go by, rational thought and instinct would be warring inside his head right now. You were dreading the impending conversation. He said nothing as he led you to your room and you were beginning to fear the worst. He was going to leave you. You should have seen it coming the second you agreed to run away with him. You closed the motel room door behind you and leaned against the cool wood. “Did you feel it?” You knew he would know what you were talking about. It was impossible to ignore—the inevitable tug of the red string of fade, the undeniable draw. Zoro sat down heavily on the bed and let out a long breath. “Yeah,” he said. “I felt it.” “Then you understand why I was so worried.” “Hey,” he said, standing and walking over to you. “You have no reason to be worried. She might be my soulmate but she’s still a stranger. I’m not gonna choose her over you.” “You say that now, but the longer you wait, the louder the call.” He took you face in his hands, made you look at him. “So we get out of here. As soon as the car is ready, we take off. We never look back.” You shook your head, tears welling in the corners of your eyes. “You don’t understand. You don’t know how hard it is. To leave them behind… it’s like tearing yourself apart.” “Then I will tear myself apart for you,” Zoro growled. “Damn it, [Name], I love you.” You looked up at him, at the fierce resolve in his eyes. “Prove it,” you whispered. And he did. Multiple times. The next morning, you were woken early to a knock on the door. Zoro hastily pulled on a pair of sweats and got up to answer, pressing a swift kiss to your forehead as he did so. You yawned and rolled over, ready to go back to sleep until you heard a familiar voice. “Hey, I was in the area and just thought I’d stop by to let you guys know your car is good… to go… is that what I think it is?” Your eyes shot open. Zoro hadn’t thought to put on a shirt. “Your tattoo… it’s…” No! You scrambled to pull on your clothes, rushing to his side. Bonney stood in the doorway, eyes darting between the two of you. Zoro reached out and took your hand, squeezing reassuringly. It’ll be okay. We’ll be okay. “Why are you… why would you… I don’t understand.” Her voice was starting to rise. You could feel her gaze on you, on your tattoo. You couldn’t bring yourself to look her in the eye. “Listen,” Zoro said, trying to keep his voice low. “We can explain everything, just… give us a chance.” “Why should I?” Bonney’s voice shook. Then she turned on you. “Does your soulmate know? About this… affair? Do you have any shame?” “Hey!” Zoro cut in. “This isn’t on her. This a choice we both made.” Bonney scoffed. “It’s not supposed to be a choice. What you’re doing, it’s—it’s unnatural!” “Look, I don’t know you and you don’t know me. I don’t care what the marks on our skin say. If you ask me, forcing two strangers to be together is a hell of a lot more unnatural.” Angry tears were now beginning to show themselves. Bonney’s lip quivered. “What gives you the right to decide that I should live my life alone? When you realise it isn’t all about you, come find me.” She stormed off without another word. Zoro shut the door a little too hard behind her. He turned to you only to find you in tears. The anger washed away immediately and he gathered you up in his arms. “Zoro, I can’t go through this again,” you sobbed. “I can’t hurt anyone else.” “Shhh,” he soothed, burying his face in your hair. “You won’t have to. I’m gonna go talk to her.” You clutched him tighter and he chuckled. “Don’t worry. I’ll come back.” “Promise?” “I promise.” Watching him go out that door was the hardest thing you had ever done. No matter how much he’d reassured you before he left, it did nothing to dispel the dread, the nagging, incessant thought that he might never come back. You had done it all before and it had almost destroyed you had it not been for Zoro. Without him, you don’t think you could resist the call any longer. You waited in the room, perched nervously at the end of the bed. You didn’t dare close your eyes for even a second because you didn’t want to miss the moment he came home to you. Please, come back to me. It was late into the afternoon when you finally heard he key rattling in the lock. You were on your feet and across the room before Zoro had even closed the door behind him. You threw your arms around his neck and hugged him tight, violent sobs of relief wracking your body. He was tired—you could feel it in his posture—but he hugged you back with just as much fervour, sighing contentedly into your hair. “Told you I’d come back,” he said, voice hoarse with emotion. You released him and pulled back to examine his face, taking in his dishevelled hair, no doubt from running his hands through it in frustration, and the wrinkle between his brows he only got when he was stressed. “How did it go?” Zoro led you to sit down on the bed, and he collapsed beside you. “She’s not happy,” he said and immediately your heart sank. “But I told her our story and she’s willing to give us a chance.” “What, really?” He nodded. “She said she doesn’t fully understand it, but she’s never seen two people this happy.” Then he flashed you a grin. “Then she threw a wrench at me and told me to get out of her sight and never come back.” You chuckled and leaned in to kiss him. You didn’t care what others thought, what they whispered behind your backs. Nothing in your life had every felt as pure, as right as being with Zoro did. No one was going to take that away from you. “Where should we go?” “Hmmm…” he hummed, nuzzling your neck as he contemplated. “How about Japan?” “Japan?” “Yeah.” You laughed. “Any reason?” “Nope. Just the first place that came to mind.” You smiled. You would go anywhere if it meant you were with him. “Japan it is.”

#one piece #zoro x reader #roronoa zoro #roronoa zoro x reader #soulmate au #alternate universe #soulmates #soulmate tattoos #one piece fanfic #one piece fanfiction #one piece imagines #one piece scenarios #angst #fluff

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roamrevival-blog · 7 years

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The Red Dragon: A Study in Madness While Being Stuck in Customs

by Evan

It smelled of puke, because there was puke, lots of it. It was being blown into the only receptacle available to Xian Customs: a trashcan, half-filled with discarded ’Lychee Candy’ wrappers and cans of Kěkǒukělè. A female customs agent watched us, careless of the smell or condition of the person vomiting up what food poisoning brewed of the day’s breakfast and lunch, as she stood at the doorway of our room like a prison guard wishing we were hatching an escape so she could finally see some action. Another round of intestines being squeezed of its halfway-digested food and sent spelunking into the trashcan that’s being cradled like a priest’s bible during an exorcism and yet another layer of putrid smell is laid down onto the ever-thickening atmosphere of our room that was growing colder by the minute. This room would be forever known to Vanessa and I as “The Icebox.”

I said to the female agent: “Is there any way to warm it up in here?”

…

“When…will…the…Airline Stooge…from…Sichuan Airlines…be…back?”

…

“Do you have internet so I can use Google translate and tell you what I just said in Chinese?”

…

Before imprisonment in The Icebox, before the granite-faced guard trying to suffocate the last ounce of humanity from her soul as she she watched us with disdain as we froze, before the puke, there was this:

“Hello, ladies and gentleman, this is your captain speaking. Due to weather (SMOOOOOOOOOOOOOG), we will not be able to land at Changdu. We are diverting the plane and will be landing in Xian in about 30 minutes.” Click.

The stewardess informed us that the airline would hold us up at a hotel for the night and then figure out a new flight to Phoenix (layover before Mexico).

“Thirty minutes” (an hour) later and we land in Xian.

Mark the time: 1am. We’re standing in line at customs and when we finally make it to an agent he says something in Chinese. We explained the situation about being diverted. He tells us using a series of hand-motions that we need to wait in a designated waiting area. He holds on to our passports and passes them off to some boss, then they’re passed off to another boss, and so on until they disappear (forever?). The minutes go by and every single one of the passengers on our flight stroll past us in the waiting area and on to their comfy hotel stay.

Mark the time: 2am. Customs is empty save for Vanessa and I and a few agents walking around, shuffling paperwork at a desk; trying to look busy at 2am. Vanessa and I, as the minutes continue to go by like they’re struggling to walk through a swamp of knee-deep mud, plead…beg…for an answer. Every cuss word in the English language (even a few in French) has been practically shouted to the Heavens! What the fuck is going on?! And for an entire hour we were ignored. We were paupers trying to get the attention of some royalty as they strolled down a cobblestone street paying us no mind. Filthy, beggars! Be gone!

Mark the time: 2:30am. Finally, mercifully, an agent that speaks a bit of English approaches along with a rep from the airline. “Him from airline,” said the agent of the rep. “He help you.” (I’m not being racist; I’m not picturing Mickey Rooney from Breakfast at Tiffany’s when I recall this conversation. This is how I remember it to the best of my muddy recollection and that is what he sounded like). Airline Stooge: “You cannot leave.”

“China?!”

“Customs.”

“Why?”

He more or less explained that because our layover in Changdu was only eight hours and we didn’t get a visa (because there wasn’t a need for one), they couldn’t let us “into the country” after our plane had been diverted and our stay in China forcibly extended. “Into the country” meaning into the airport, anywhere out of customs.

“What about our bags?” I asked him.

“They go to Changdu.”

“With us?”

“…Maybe. If we get you flight.”

Vanessa: “I’m not feeling so good…”

Mark the time: 3am. The Icebox: Vanessa is huddled over an empty trashcan, feeling queasy. I’m talking with a customs agent, the one that speaks the best English. “My wife is sick. Is there any way to get her into another room that isn’t meant to keep beef shoulders cold?”

The agent, smiling: “No.”

“Please. There has to be another room somewhere.”

He just laughed: “Hahahahaha. No.”

I repeated, accentuating every syllable thinking it’ll help him understand somehow: “There has to be another room. My wife is sick, if you couldn’t hear it or smell it already.” I pointed to Vanessa heaving into the trashcan.

“Hahaha.” Then, with a wave of a hand, he motioned to the room next door. I opened the door and saw…a padded room, set to the same frigid temperature as The Icebox. The floor though, wasn’t padded.

“Why isn’t the floor padded?” I asked the agent.

He just shrugged.

“I mean, if someone crazy wanted to kill themselves in here, couldn’t they just hit their heads against the floor?”

Another shrug.

I mocked his shrug and said: “The Icebox it is… But, bathroom first?”

I did what we all do in the bathroom: pretended to take a leak but cried tears into the toilet bowl.

“Wanna give me a shake, dipshit?” I asked the agent waiting for me right outside of my stall.

“Yes.”

“What?” I peeped through the crack of the stall, seeing if he had any idea what I said, and thankfully he did not.

Mark the time: 4am. Back to where the story started. Still no idea what’s happening. The Airline Stooge mentioned trying to help us get on another flight to Changdu a few hours ago. We’ve heard nothing since. Not a peep. None of the agents around us spoke English so I busied myself by trying to win at a staring contest with the stone-faced agent guarding the door as I held Vanessa’s hair back. Not even the slightest turn of one corner of her mouth. Steel.

Mark the time: 5am. The cold inside The Icebox starts to feel like I’m being frozen by Xian customs to preserve American specimens for research, or for a study in madness. How have they lasted this long? I wonder, says the lead scientist. Mark the time: 5am. ‘Four hours in Cryo-Chamber and still alive. Not one ounce of information given to them about their predicament and what’s to happen next. Remarkable. I kept picturing all those people on our flight asleep in cozy beds, dreaming like babes of frolicking through any of a number of warm climates, free as birds. Those bastards.

Alright, Chinese Ashton Kutcher, now’s the time to come springing out and yelling ‘You’ve been 刺!’

“Hey, Terminator 2 Linda Hamilton, go get the Airport Stooge,” I told the female agent guarding us, The Dangerous Prisoners of Xian Customs. I knew she didn’t speak any English, but my frost-bitten mind denied me the kind of recognitive power that God gave the Blue-Footed Booby (and look where they ended up). “Get the Airport Stooge!”

Steel.

“Dammit! Get the damn Airport Stooge!” Vanessa interrupted with a forceful shout before I could repeat basically what she said as she dropped the trashcan that’s been filled up to the halfway point. If there was a mirror, I imagine we must’ve looked like monsters—pale, dark-circles-around-the-eyes, puke-breathed, abominable monsters. Defeated, we sat back down and continued in our Freezing to Death…

Mark the time: 7am. Nothing’s changed. We’re still suspended in a time-looped nightmare. Hallucinations began, slipping in and out of consciousness as we’re hugged harder and harder by the freezing touch of impending death seeping from the vents above us. That’s right, it says with a hiss, you’re almost mine.

I turn to Vanessa, and she turns to me, very slowly, and I say to her: “I just want you to know, that if we die in here, I’m glad you’ll be by my side.” I take her hand in mine, thinking I could warm it up, but realizing my hand was just as cold.

“…Shut up.”

“Hello?” We knew that voice coming from the doorway behind us; the Airline Stooge.

We turn and look at him. He looks at us like he stumbled on a crime scene and both dead bodies had suddenly come back to life. “Uhhhh, here your new flight.”

The flight was leaving in thirty minutes…from the other side of the airport, headed for a layover in Hangzhou and then off to Phoenix.

“What about our bags still going to Changdu?”

“So sorry.”

“That’s it? So sorry?”

“Yes. So sorry.”

After stumbling through the airport like a pair of half-dead/half-drunk dogs going through some agility competition at the Westminster Kennel Club, we barely made it to our flight.

I have to hand it to the Chinese, they are a resilient folk; seeing the density of the smog layer hanging over Xian as we flew away made me think: There’s no way a human being could live in that. (Applause). I pictured myself struggling to breath like an astronaut on Mars after having his helmet struck by some small projectile from space, cracking it open and sending in the carbon dioxide, my eyes bugging out like Schwarzenegger’s in Total Recall.

Mark the time: 8am. We waved goodbye to Xian, China’s cruel mistress sent to make our one and only time with The Red Dragon a time we’ll never forget, no matter how hard we try.

#roamrevival #blog #travelblog #travelstory #travel

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