#worst part is i can do nothing to control it... im starting to believe that everyone hates me and i silently wish i could do smth about this

[dxckgrxsonx]

soo… can we get more dickpic storyline?? IM ON MY KNEES BEGGING YOU 🙏🙏🙏😩😩

okay. so this took longer than i wanted. on the upside, i've got about seven different scenes half written out because this fought me every step of the way.

Jason gets a little jealous in this one which i will explore in the next part ;)

MASTERLIST // SERIES MASTERLIST

**

“Do you have to go?”

Panic snaps tight like an elastic band around your chest and you whirl a full hundred-and-eighty degrees to face Jason, breath still frozen solid in your throat.

There’s a pout settled on his face, bottom lip pushed out just slightly, eyes downcast. He looks almost…pathetic really for someone who has the potential to be dangerous. A mean looking bruise grabs at his jaw and annoyingly, it almost makes you cave right there and then.

“Will you stop doing that!” You snap, pitching a tube of lipgloss in his direction. “The idea of dying from a heart attack is so embarrassing. I either die in an epic shoot-out, or I simply just do not die.”

Catching the tube with one hand Jason grumbles and flops face-first onto your bed, “I can’t believe you’re leaving me.” He whines, voice muffled by the duvet. “I bought us facemasks. You’re denying me beautifully moisturised skin. This is the worst thing you’ve ever done.”

“Aw, poor baby.” You mock, standing up from your dresser and draping yourself across his well muscled back. “Is this worse than the time I blew up your microwave? Or the time you asked me to look after your plants and I accidentally killed them?”

Grabbing a pillow, Jason reaches behind him and wacks you with it, “You’re a horrible person and you’re going directly to hell.”

Sniggering, you balance on your knees as Jason shifts underneath you. Once he’s settled so he’s facing upwards you seat yourself comfortably on his stomach. Jason looks at you with nothing but disappointment when you request his attention by sticking a finger in his mouth, but you ignore him and ask, “Will you be there?”

“Get your fucking finger out of my mouth before I bite it off.” He garbles.

“What was that? I can’t understand you.” Grinning to yourself, Jason rolls his eyes and sinks his teeth into your finger. He bites down hard enough for it to fucking hurt and you yell whilst yanking it free. “That was attempted murder. You’re definitely going to hell with me.”

Jason doesn’t reply and you feel the pause in the air. It makes you nervous and you can’t decide if it’s in a good way or not.

“You look really nice.” He suddenly blurts out, and you pause in your anxious examination of your now injured finger. He swallows thickly when you look at him like he’s grown another head, pink splotching clumsily across his cheeks. “But you’re missing something.”

“Yeah.” You agree, trying to control your voice without letting him know that your heart is shaking at the bars of your ribs. “A finger without teeth marks.”

The pink starts dipping to caress his throat and you shift just slightly on his lap, getting worked up about just how far down that colour could reach if you pushed him a little more.

Opening his palm, Jason reveals your lipgloss and he twists it open. You expect him to hand it over to you so you can apply it yourself, but Jason–forever full of surprises–reaches out his steady hand and goes to apply it for you.

His swipes with the wand applicator are precise and you rub your lips together to get them evenly coated, but you end up smudging a small blob of gloss at the corner of your mouth.

Jason’s lips quirk up at the edge and he silently wipes the excess away with the pad of his thumb before you get a chance to even raise your hand.

“There you go.” He says, and his voice is thicker than normal, heavier. “Now you look perfect.”

You find yourself lost for words.

It doesn’t happen often. But sometimes you find yourself grasping at thin air, letters slipping between your fingers like sand.

Well, that's not entirely true.

The right letters are there, but you just don’t know how to hold them yet. And you don’t know what would happen if you stopped hoarding them behind your teeth.

How strange that the fear of something unknown can keep you from being happy; how unbelievably human that is.

Touching the tips of your fingers to the bruise on Jason's jaw you sigh, almost like it’s causing you pain. The colour is dark–recent–not yet starting to heal. Jason exhales and tips his head to the side, baring his throat and letting you explore the edges of the bruising. His eyes slip closed and there's a yearning throb inside you swelling up at just how much trust Jason has in you to be vulnerable.

His hands come to rest on your thighs, thumbs digging into the soft flesh. Sweeping your fingers at the very bottom of the discolouration something catches your eye.

A thin white line stretching across his jugular.

It looks like he’s had this throat sliced open.

Pulling your hand back you say Jason’s name in a near horrified whisper and he turns his head to look at you. There’s something there, written in the lines of his face and the way he looks at you–like you’re everything–but neither of you say a word.

A sudden smile lights up your face despite the sharp wedge of something like grief in your chest and you plant a sticky kiss across Jason’s cheek, “Mwah!”

“Fuck you so much.” Jason says, shoving your head away and wiping the lipgloss from his cheek, but he smiles back at you, Lazarus eyes glittering. “For the record–”

“Oh no you don’t. If the next words out of your mouth are something stupid like, ‘for the record I know you ate the leftover pizza in my fridge last night’ then I’m not listening.”

“For. The. Record…” Jason starts again, “If you’re with me in hell. Then it’s not hell.”

“You’re such a fucking sap, Todd.” Shoving your entire palm in his face he makes a disgruntled noise in the back of his throat and swats at your thigh. “Sweet talk isn’t going to make me stay home tonight. I’m going out and it’s going to be fun!”

**

You’ve got seven messages to say your friends are waiting outside and you wrestle open your door with a growl then turn to face Jason who’s sprawled out on your couch.

“If I don’t text you by one–”

“I’ll come look for you.” Jason finishes. He’s got a mug of tea in his hands and he picks up the book he left on your coffee table the last time he was at your apartment. “Have fun! Don’t do anything stupid.”

“Pfft. I’ve never been stupid a day in my life.”

“Hey! Remember that time when you–”

“Nope!” You interject loudly whilst Jason laughs. “I’m leaving now.”

**

Your shoes keep sticking to the floor.

Resting with one elbow on the bar you sip at your drink and throw a glance around the crowded club. Bodies are jammed together on the dancefloor and as the music swells the crowd rises to match. The entire atmosphere is electric, the push and pull of thrumming bass and alcohol making your hips sway easily to the beat.

“Well hello there, pretty thing. Can I buy you a drink?”

Pointedly glancing down at the glass in your hand with a slight quirk of your mouth you look up and make eye contact with the guy standing beside you. The first thing you notice is that he looks completely out of place; like he would be more at home somewhere quiet. He fiddles with the sleeve of his shirt and you quickly realise that he’s nervous.

It’s almost endearing if not for the whole ‘pretty thing’ thing.

“God.” He says, laughing to himself and rubbing the back of his neck. “That was absolutely horrible–there’s literally a drink in your hand. I’m so sorry. I must admit, this isn’t usually something I do.”

Across the club you watch as your friends zero in on you, waiting for any sign you need intervention–or an escape. Just the knowledge that they’ve got your back is enough for you to loosen your shoulders slightly.

The air around you twists and swells. Someone else has your back too.

“I agree. That was horrible. I mean, pretty thing? Really?” Someone says from behind you, their voice eerily familiar and sharp. A firm arm snakes around your middle and the memory of having that same thick arm wrapped around you whilst you slept flashes bright behind your eyes. “She’s not interested.”

You've never heard Jason sound like that before. He sounds almost possessive, maybe even jealous and it feels like someone just jammed a taser into your ribs and shot you full of fifty-thousand volts.

“The fuck are you doing here?” You ask, leaning back against his chest, skin warm and buzzing. “But also, thank fuck you’re here. Did you hear that guy? Pretty thing? Seriously? I’ve never felt more objectified.”

Jason laughs and rests his head on your shoulder, “It was boring waiting for you to get back and I didn’t feel like doing facemasks on my own. What are you drinking?”

“Something fruity.” Comes your response and you lift the glass so Jason can take the straw between his teeth. “Are you sure you didn’t just miss me?”

Humming as he takes a sip Jason lets the straw go and turns so he can press his mouth against the shell of your ear, “And if I did miss you?”

Your whole body shudders at the tone of his voice and you just barely manage to stop the whine from coming out of your mouth. His arm tightens around your waist and you can’t deny just how good it feels to have him close like this.

“You could have just called. I would’ve come home, you know?”

“I did call.” Jason rumbles, and you pull out your phone to check. “See. I called you twice and you didn’t answer. You’ve really hurt my feelings.”

“Oh here we go again. You’re always talking about your feelings.” Jamming your elbow backwards and into his ribs, Jason recoils in offence. “I hurt your feelings when I stole all your socks. I hurt them when I burnt that cake in your oven. I even hurt them that one time I laughed when you fell down the stairs.”

“I can’t help that I’m sensitive!” Jason defends, the pitch of his voice touching the roof. He shifts to pinch your waist and you smack the back of his hand.

Patting his arm you spin around to face him, and when you glance up at him you suddenly turn thoughtful–emotional.

“You’ve just got a big heart.” You say softly, reaching up to brush your fingers through the white streak in his hair. “There’s nothing wrong with that.”

Jason pauses, and you let your hand drop back to your side.

“And yet you laugh at me when I fall down the stairs.”

“Of course.” You deadpan. “Because it’s really fucking funny.”

**

You took your shoes off a few blocks back and they’re hanging from your fingers as Jason gives you a piggy-back ride home. You were fine until you stepped one foot outside the club and then the hit of somewhat fresh air sent your head spinning.

“I really hope my ass isn’t out.” You mumble, head resting on his shoulder. “No one needs to see what underwear I’ve got on.” Jason sighs like every word out of your mouth causes him physical pain. “At least I hope I’ve got underwear on.”

“You are a goddamn disaster.” He says, mostly to himself. Shifting you further up his back when you start to slide down he grumbles, “For fucks sake you’re not making this easy.”

“I live to please.”

“I think I might actually hate you just a little bit.”

“Rude. Now you’ve hurt my feelings.”

“Now, now, pretty thing.” Jason mocks. “Having your feelings hurt is my thing, not yours. So shut up.”

Breaking out into giggles you tuck your face into Jason’s neck and sigh, “The only person I want to call me pretty is you, Jay.”

“Well I’m not going to do it now.”

Without thinking you sink your teeth into his neck and bite down hard enough for it to bruise. Jason stops dead in the middle of the street, his rough hands flex around your thighs and you honest to god hear him moan.

It sounds almost exactly the same as it does on the videos and you shiver.

“Y’make such pretty noises, Jason.” You praise, and run your tongue along the indents of your teeth in his skin. Goosebumps flare up his forearms and you feel him swallow. You wonder for a split second if he’s blushing again. You wonder how far down it goes this time. “My sensitive boy.”

Yawning loudly, you slump your head back against his shoulder, and Jason starts walking forwards again, his pace uneven.

“M’tired.” You slur, half asleep.

“Almost there.” Jason reassures, “My pretty girl.”

**

#jason todd x reader #jason todd x reader series #jason todd x you #red hood x reader #red hood x you #dickpic!jason x reader #jason todd fanfic #jason todd fanfiction #asks #answered #ella writes

[altades]

Vashwood rant

I can't sleep so why not analyze vashwood in the middle of the night

Now, this analysis is mostly of the manga, with maybe small takes from 98 and tristamp

To start let's look at the boys from their respective beginnings

Vash is so cruelly mischaracterized as a child, and it might be a little bit of trismaps fault, even though i do love it, or maybe people are just putting characters into boxes without really thinking about it but Vash is so not soft-shy-nice little baby brother. The whole thing with him being younger is so insane to me, i get why if Nai was born like 10 minutes earlier he would make it his whole personality (very sibling thing to do) but it's just so stupid. No, they have 0 age difference and it doesn't affect their dynamic cuz the are literally twins for the love of god. And, really, when you look at the manga as kids Nai was the emotional one! And he still is!

Nai is plagued by fear and anger and resentment and those emotions are what drive his every decision. Vash, on the other hand, is much more in control of his feelings and doesn't show them as much. That is to say that pre-tesla nai is the one worried about their relationship with humans, about their future, he's the one crying after talking to Conrad (what a sweet child he was) while Vash seemes much less scared.

And when they find out about Tesla Nai is the one who faints - he’s the more reactive one, the emotional one. And that small difference is what sets their paths so differently. Because Vash actually gets a chance to talk to Rem and figure things out.And that talk is so very important because it makes Rem, who already was everything to Vash, even more important. 

Now, I want us all to think about how terrified Vash was after seeing Tesla cuz he probably thought his own mother was going to dissect him and his brother. But then she saves him when he tries to end his own life, proving that no she’s not gonna kill him, because she, as every human, has the capability to learn from her mistakes and make better choices. (too bad Nai didn’t get that lesson lol)

And then we get to the big bad things. (it’s genocide) But the important part from that whole ordeal is Rem’s sacrifice. Because, listen, I love stories where humanity is shown to be capable of change and forgiveness is a virtue and love and pussy and all that but oh man can it be so so unrealistic and a little bit insane to watch (su im looking at u (i love su but oh boy that is not how the world works unfortunately)) but Trimax manages to make it work so well. I believe that’s cuz Vash is a very kind and loving man but is also completely out of his mind and has horrendous mommy issues. At least half the reason he doesn’t kill people is because Rem has died to save them, and killing them would make it all be for nothing. If he kills these people or if he lets them die would that mean that Rem died for nothing? Did she sacrifice her life to save these people only for her own son to end their lives? AND you know I’m right cuz he literally says it in the manga but also BECAUSE HE DOES THE SAME FOR WOLFWOOD (also he did kill Nai when he had the chance but we don’t have time to unpack that)

All of that is A LOT and very complicated (i love Vash he’s so well written he’s my perfect little meow meow) now let's talk about Wolfwoooooooooood /twirls hair/

WW is much easier to understand and analyze cuz he is, just a guy,, WW is just a normal person who gets insanely unlucky and gets in THE WORST possible situations (If he ever played DND he would roll straight 1s). That is to say that his story is sort of a way to show how much life in the badlands sucks, but also that there are good things even in the worst places (the orphanage) And WW reacts to situations in the most rational way possible way - he kills to survive. he doesn’t want to but he doesn’t get a say in it. If he could chose he would just live with his family and friend and do whatever. And that, him being so normal in such a violent and bloody world is what makes him suffer all the time. His inner moral compass is screaming at him what a terrible person he is and he promptly ignores it.

That is until that moral compass manifests itself in the form of a tall, blond and handsome stranger that he’s supposed to lead to his death. The stranger who turns out to be the most compassionate and kind man WW’s has ever seen. Who he’s supposed to kill. It’s like finding an oasis in the desert and being forced to burn it to the ground. And WW doesn’t want to do that, and he refuses to believe that the oasis is not a mirage so he tries to get Vash to kill someone, even if it’s WW himself. (It doesn’t work.)

As we all know WW changes his mind because of Vash’s influence. And he dies for it. Because even though Vash’s beliefs are born of human virtues, no man is made to walk his path, for he is not human and any mortal who tries to follow an angel to the skies is doomed to crash. WHAT YOU DON’T EXPECT IS THAT THAT MAN WILL BRING THE ANGEL DOWN WITH HIM

There is this line I wrote for an art i’m planning to make and if you’ve read this far you deserve a lil spoiler - “have you found absolution in bringing an angel to his knees?” and it captures perfectly what i'm thinking. And also Vash spends so much time trying to be closer to people but I think him killing Legato might’ve been the most human thing he’s ever done. Cuz it’s is so beautiful in the way he does it for the memory of the person he loved and yet so ugly in it’s cruelty.

I’ve said this before but most of the time when there is a human/ some immortal powerful creature relationship I don’t think the human is that special but WW HE SO IS. Maybe it’s the way that he’s just as deep in the nuclear bombs with personality business as Vash is, being one of said nuclear bombs, but still remains a normal person with relatively good morals that he can anchor Vash to a sort of normality that he doesn’t get often. Like what other guy would get hunted by all sorts of freaks with you, get in trouble all the time, get shot and etc and etc and then go for a drink with you like it’s a normal wednesday? Wolfwood. Or maybe it's that WW learns of every worst part of Vash, he sees him be on the brink of losing himself, he knows Vash has actually caused the deaths of hundreds of thousands of people and ALMOST did it again after Julai, and still stays with him? He sees Vash become something that is not human at all and still stay? Idk MAYBE IT’S ALL OF THAT but WW is just so important and so down bad but we all know that already so i’m not gonna add to that

Anyways, I got this all out of my system gn

#vashwood #trigun #trigun maximum

[pansear-doodles]

Twitter doc version (which is slightly longer and more detailed)

I reflected a bit. I kept insisting i would change and stop making mistakes. However, some individuals made me snap to the reality that I have not been doing it, and they were right.

I realized that I have been blurring this line of something for myself and something for my standing. I kept telling myself that there aren't any true stakes when this blog is made for me and my twitter is made for me. I'm no longer in the area where I can wholly express my emotions (well, i still could, but with a limit), and I would constantly create posts that exhibit that I'm emotionally vulnerable, which to many, including Wayne, finds wrong and upsetting.

I have not been understanding my true needs and have been essentially denying it. I have mangled my love of art and something between personal and something thousands of people can see. I have been undermining how far my signals can reach, believing that "this is my art blog, so i do whatever i want", that's true, but i never really understood its limits.

Some of you may find me gross after the revelation. I suppose it was the manner of opinions from that topic. While it's wrong to leak private information, especially when you're not up to date with said information, the very information itself is not a matter of technicalities- that would be something that is up to you on deciding who i am as a person from there forward. I'm sorry you had to discover it. Everyone has a bit of their strange side. And I'm starting to accept that not everyone is going to agree or support me on this. It was an uncomfortable change. I'm going to miss some people. But holding onto this baggage will not do anything for me. I must carry on. Yes. I did draw those things. So what? I know it was a mistake to draw that very specific part and I'm sorry for that; I learned of it long before the rumors started to appear and I have stopped doing it since. Do I have irrefutable proof? Of course not, unfortunately. But I am telling the truth here.

People can absolutely choose to decide their opinion of the idea of it, and if you decide to see me as a bad person for it, that's okay, but I never intended to harm anyone with it. Nobody was harmed. It was only exchanged between consenting adults and nothing more.

I never asked to be popular, but i subconsciously rode that wave. If Wayne is correct on one thing they said about me, it's that i let these conflicting emotions control me. For years i have been doing this because I grew up in bad environments where stuff like this was desensitized. I thought Wayne wanted me gone because they hated me. Well perhaps, some of it is true. Even back when we were friends, it was hard to read them, which made me walk eggshells. But nonetheless I do think Wayne did it out of care, but they did it in the worst way possible.

I didn't have the best reaction. I was too hasty because I panicked. I should have made a document that really details things that's been going on between us and the other things Wayne's done in SC (im doing that actually, one step at a time). For now though, I want to make this post for the purpose of saying that- yes, I haven't been innocent and I have been constantly hurting myself, in front of so many others nonetheless.

You would see me vent. You would see me make "pity parties". You would see my emotional vulnerability. Again, i thought with this blog and my twitter account, since it is my personal spaces, i thought it was fine. But of course it wasn't. I forgot that there are thousands of eyes, even minors who aspire from my work.

I haven't been good to myself. I made things worse and worse. I didn't know how to handle it despite dozens, if not, hundreds of people telling me. And now after realizing it, I wanted to take it to my own matters, for my own good and safety, and for the safety of others and people who worry for me and care about me. Despite all the damages, if I really want to make a change, I must really show it.

From this day on, I'll be making different blogs. One is a more personal, smaller blog where I can really express myself and would not use primary popular tags. One where i dump all of my negative emotions that are private and overlyvulnerable. And one blog- this one- where I can show my art to the world. It was stupid of me to not have thought of this solution before, but it's better late than never. I would only show these side blogs to my friends and the people who are genuine with me rather than those who idolize me only for my art. I should really make a clear boundary between the me on the fandom side of things, and the me on the myself side of things.

I plan to make my twitter inactive. I don't know why I've been insistent on keeping it up, but now i know and it's an ugly side of me i denied constantly: I kept it up for fame, because I equated fame to my self importance- which isn't good. You would see it evidently when I get upset about the numbers. It was easier for people to access my stuff. This amount of attention has become a detriment to my mental health but, back then, shutting it down would subconsciously mean that "the bad people won". Throughout growing up on the internet, I'd see these artists back away from their popular accounts. I didn't really understand why. I never did. But now I really know. A sacrifice has to be made, and it would be something that helps me most of all. Plus, twitter is too negative for me. I would really only use it to look at art and news, but all the other drama sticks and paparazzi and blegh- no man i think id rather sit here.

I *may* still occasionally post things there, but I'd primarily post on tumblr, where things are more relaxed.

So what did I want? Fame or comfort? My comfort was entangled in fame and it became an uncomfortable experience. What I desired to draw became also the desire from others. In truth, i definitely enjoy making rain world art. I love making my anthro au. The very reason why I made Rain world fanart in the first place was because I was sad and drawing the characters where they were happier and loved helped me cope. I anthromorphize the characters with this empathy. I believe this was the biggest reason why the anthro au was made. It was made because of the high empathy, which is why it was meaningful and closest to me- and I loved when other people understood and loved it too. My feelings were understood. I surrounded myself with friends and people and took great comfort when they shared this experience with me. And I was touched every time someone else showed their anthro au, with or without my influence. I never felt alone in these moments. I felt like I was seen. But i know not everyone is going to be my friend and not every output everyone makes is for my own likeness. There were those who wanted to be my friend for my fame and nothing more. And those who expressed that they didn't like my anthro au, i unfortunately took them as personal attacks. This is definitely not the case at all, and I'm sorry for invalidating any forms of critiques. This was an awful thing for me to do and everything got carried away in the end. I likened my au too much to the point its starting to become something that controls my judgement.

The matter of filtering what I post isn't censorship. It isn't invalidating my feelings and it isn't the matter of controlling out of fame. It is a matter of defending myself and in turn keeping others safe. The very reason why my insecurities kept getting enabled was because of me and not what other people do to me (well, it can be, but i admit I'm not completely clean from it). If people truly want to empathize with me, it should really only be my loved ones and me taking alone time like watching yt videos or taking walks.

As for the frequency of updates, people take issue with my lack of time and breaks. Admittedly, I have been having issues of time senseless for the past months and amnesia. A whole week can feel like a few days, a single day can feel like a whole week, two weeks can feel like a month. So on. These are side effects of my mental illness and I should work on it better. Like making alarms.

I thank everyone who has been very patient with me throughout my time in this fandom. I thank my followers who stuck by me despite everything. I thank my friends who cared for me and remained my friends throughout it all. I'm sorry I haven't been the best artist to those I have affected. I'm sorry I haven't been giving great examples. I'm sorry for being stuck up on believing that whatever I'm doing is correct and have been avoiding the criticism of it. And most of all, I'm sorry to everyone whose advice I ignored, even Wayne.

Overall, I'm taking one step at a time for these things. Block people liberally- that's something I've been avoiding because it felt mean, but I should utilize more. Of all of my ignorance, emotional breakdowns, the wrongs i did upon myself which then to others, I never meant any of it maliciously. There is no black and white here. Only gray morals. Wayne was a shitty person, but I was a shitty person too. I haven't been nice to myself, but starting now, I will be a little bit more selfish (in a way that helps me and doesn't hurt other people). How you evaluate me as a person is up to you. I'll welcome anyone who's nice to me in my specific spaces regardless.

But no matter what happens, I'll push forward. Because I love art and I love my friends, and I'll keep fighting for it and against the horrors that keep me from self-respect. I should focus on the things that make me happy.

Thank you, everyone. I truly mean it.

#thoughts #drama #ask to tag #long

[chekhovs-nailgun]

i have some thoughts on coping thru fiction and using fic/writing as a general tool that i wanna put out there. warning: i will be discussing grooming below the cut.

so to get it out of the way, i was groomed when i was 11. i don’t think this is the time nor place for me to go into a whole ramble about the specifics of that, so i won’t. all that’s necessary right now is that it happened and within a year i started adding similar dynamics to a project i was working on.

it was a sideplot during my first nanowrimo attempt centered around a post-apocalyptic scenario. the jist of it was a kid in his mid-teens, think 16 or so, was romantically obsessed with a mid-20s, closer to 30 woman. the age difference was about the same. i would ask for advice on the story in general from my mom (phd in psychology, literally never had a problem with it lmfao, funny how that works).

was it ass? absolutely, it was. a 12 year old wrote it. it’s never seeing the light of day lmao. but it was really important in the process of me not fucking hating myself for years for thinking/internalizing that it was a moral failing on my part.

the thing about it is that at the time, it didn’t feel like coping. i felt like i was just writing about something that happens. fleshing it out in that sterile environment helped me get a grip of how fucking gross what happened to me was, while putting myself in a position where i had control over what happened, something i didn’t have irl. i didn’t even realize that’s what happened until i thought “ah yes, i started writing dark fic when i was 12, the same calendar year i was groomed.”

“…”

now i look at people arguing over the semantics of it, with fic of that type being morally reprehensible with exceptions like “only if you never share it” or “only if you use it to cope” or “using it to cope is morally reprehensible for this-or-that reason, don’t interact with it in any way other than seething rage or some other specific way”. while seething rage and pure fucking anger can be a totally fine way to deal with it, people who think in these kinds of ways need to remember: not everybody is you. making broad assumptions, nitpicking, and believing that your way is the only correct way does nothing but harm other victims by taking away an opportunity for them to work out their trauma, at best. at worst? it allows more predators to hide and commit tangible harm due to widespread assumptions that the people hurting others are the people posting fic, and not the “safe” adults playing into kids’ interests and making them feel important and special. (source: that’s what mine did; yucky bad fanfiction was never a part of the equation.)

i know what the response to this is. “ackshully posting it is doing harm because it normalizes it and gives predators the confidence to act on the thoughts they already have; the human psyche is more sensitive to porn and if you get tired of fiction you’re bound to turn to nonfiction”. this is where the age old disagreement comes into play, and while i don’t see much of a point in rehashing it for people who already have their minds made up on it, i would like to note a couple of things, firstly that humans aren’t mirrors. most people see things like this and recognize it’s wrong, just like they recognize that other subjects criminalized irl are wrong, such as murder, theft, etc. if somebody sees something problematic and decides it’s a good way to act, there was something already wrong, be it undiagnosed mental illness or being too young/impressionable to participate safely in such circles. i also find this viewpoint really cruel in that it takes responsibility away from the actual predators, essentially painting them as wild animals who “couldn’t help it, they became desensitized and just had to have more of that vile content you people make” when grooming is, at its core, a desire for power over another. im gonna come out and say it: predators are smart. they are called predators for a reason. thinking of them as lawless beasts who operate out of instinct is entirely disrespectful to victims.

the cold hard truth of the matter is that darkfic, no matter how disgusting people find it on a case by case basis, is morally neutral. it cannot damage anybody by simply existing unless warnings are ignored or it is actively weaponized, sometimes meaning that the content itself is removed from the protective warnings and wantonly put on display for large audiences of underage people to see.

i personally don’t like a whole lot of darkfic, im really picky about what i read. and i think that no matter my thoughts on it, it has a right to exist. idc, consider me a “bad victim” lmao. if you do that’s your cross to bear, not mine.

tldr: sometimes you need to express shit and fuck you if you try to enforce your own feelings on others trying to do so

#ok to rb #tw grooming mention #chekhov’s cathedral #shipcourse #proship #anti anti #proship please interact

[sister-juniper]

Safe With Me (Terzo x Reader)

Prompt was suggested by @saruman-the-silly

feel free to comment with any suggestions for oneshots :3

★ Angst with comfort/fluff :) ★

my ao3

my wattpad

☆ Word count: 1252 ☆

⊹₊ ☆₊ ⊹ ⊹₊ ☆₊ ⊹ ⊹₊ ☆₊ ⊹ ⊹₊ ☆₊ ⊹

You were lounging on the bed in Papa Terzo's quarters. He was out for the day, as Papa Emeritus he is incredibly busy. You as a sibling of sin don't have very many duties, especially since you began seeing Papa. He had gotten you excused from most of your duties.

You were relaxing in the black and purple bedding, the time was 8:00 pm. You could see the sun setting beautifully through the massive window behind his desk. Terzo should be back within an hour at most. You were excited! You had been longing to see him all day. You were quite attached to him, he made you feel the safest and most loved you have felt in years.

Suddenly, you feel your phone buzzing next to you on the sheets. Not really wanting much social interaction with others at the moment, you groan in dissatisfaction as you grab the phone and look at the screen. It is an unknown number. That's weird...

You press the button to answer and hold the phone up to your ear. An all too familiar voice fills your ears.

"Y/N, where have you been?"

It is your father. 

You had fled your home in search of something better a few years ago, and in doing so you found the ministry. You had blocked everyone including both of your parents. They were conservative and abusive. You never, ever, wanted to hear from them again. 

Your breath was caught in your throat. How on earth did they get your number? 

"U-um. Hi" you choked out

"Y/N, answer me. Where have you been?!?" your father yells over the phone

You curl your knees to your chest "I ran away..."

"We have been trying to get in touch with you for years! How dare you just abandon us like that!!"

You want to hang up. You want to so badly, but your body and mind just won't let you. Part of you is too afraid to.

"Y/N, answer me this instant!!"

"I am staying somewhere else..." you say as tears prick at your eyes

"Tell me more..." your father states sternly

"No, im not going to!" you yell into the phone

"Y/N!! How dare you raise your voice at me!! Has the devil gotten to you or something?" Your father screams

Your body starts to shake, you feel yourself beginning to be on the urge of a panic attack. You must stay strong though, you must.

"You need to come home this instant. You have brought shame to our community..."

"NO! Im not doing that. I am happy where I am!"

"Stupid child, I am your father. You. Listen. To. Me!"

"I am an adult, I make my own decisions!!" You scream as tears stream down your face

"Not in our community you don't. I still make the decisions."

"Well fuck that. Im not in the community anymore!"

"Cursing now huh? What has gotten into you??"

You clench the phone in your hand as your breathing speeds up "Im happier now. Just leave me alone."

"This is what the outside world does to you. It brainwashes you! You cannot be happier"

"Well, I am. Deal with it, Dad."

"All that's out there is hellish and the devil. There is nothing good."

"Who says the devil is bad?" You say quietly into the phone

"Who says?? Everyone says!! What is your problem?? Are you nuts?!"

Now you are sobbing, and trying desperately to control your breathing. Him speaking to you again after years absolutely terrifies you. It was one of your worst nightmares after leaving the community, and now it is happening. But you cannot show your weak side to him, you must stay strong.

"The devil sure is better than you ever were."

Before your father can respond, you hang up the phone. You throw your phone down on the bed and curl up in a fit of sobs. You can't believe what had just happened. His voice brought you back to years ago when you were living under his roof.

Your breathing is frantic, and your entire body is shaking. You are having a panic attack and you know it. 

Very soon, Terzo has arrived back. You hear the faint sound of keys turning the doorknob and suddenly the two of you are in the room together. He takes in the sight of your shaking figure and panicked, tear-stricken face and he is immediately filled with concern.

"Mio caro, what happened? Is everything okay?" He questions as he approaches you

You open your mouth to respond but all that comes out is a pained sob. Terzo sits on the bed and pulls you into his embrace.

"Hey... it's gonna be okay yes? Im right here..."

You bury your face in his chest and sob into his arms. He rubs your back and kisses the top of your head in an attempt to comfort you.

"I love you... everything will be alright.. you are safe with me..."

"I-I love you too.." you say through sniffles

After around 10 minutes, you can feel your breathing beginning to become more normal, and you start to calm down. Your tears stop flowing, and he holds you close. You lift your head up to look at him.

"Do you want to talk about what happened amorina? Only if you want" he says with a soft smile

"Yeah, I do..."

He lets go of you so you can sit up and look at him face-to-face.

"I got a call from a random number. I answer it, and it is my father on the other end of the line..."

Terzo is taken aback "Your father? Cazzo... you told me about him.."

"Yeah, him. Well, he had apparently been trying to contact me for years and he wasn't too happy.."

"He yelled at me, he said a lot of nasty things, but I didn't show him my weak side"

Terzo puts a comforting hand on your shoulder. "Whatever nasty thing he said is not true you know. You are perfect"

You smile a little "Thank you..."

"He said a lot of things about how the devil is getting to me. I guess that part is true" you say with a small chuckle

Terzo smiles in return "Sí, the devil is not bad. It is how you found this ministry, it is how you found me"

"I am a little scared though..."

"Why is that? You are safe with me, you are always going to be safe with me"

"I don't know.. what if he finds me somehow?"

Terzo sighs and pulls you close to him again. "He will never be able to get you. I will always be by your side"

"What about when you are on tour? When you are busy?"

"Ah well, I can just have a ghoul keep watch over you. They will tear the hands off anyone who tries to harm you"

You smile against his chest "Okay... thank you Terz..."

Terzo presses a kiss to your forehead "Of course mi amore, do you feel a bit better now?"

"Yes.. I do.."

"Good! Im glad. Just remember, im always by your side forever. No matter what"

You sit up and press a kiss to his lips. You pull back and the two of you look deep into each others' eyes.

"You are everything to me amore, always remember that. Your father is not here to hurt you any longer. It is just you and I now"

He pulls you into another kiss. You will be forever thankful that the dark lord has blessed you with the life you have currently. It is out of your wildest wishes, and you never want it to end. You are safe, you no longer live with your abusive family. 

You are safe in the arms of Terzo Emeritus, you are safe within the walls of the Ministry, for all eternity.

⊹₊ ☆₊ ⊹ ⊹₊ ☆₊ ⊹ ⊹₊ ☆₊ ⊹ ⊹₊ ☆₊ ⊹

#ghost #ghost band #ghost bc #papa emeritus #papa emeritus fanfiction #the band ghost #ghost terzo #papa emeritus iii #papa emeritus lll #terzo emeritus #papa terzo #papa emeritus terzo #terzo #terzo fanfiction #terzo my beloved #terzo x reader #papa iii #papa emeritus the third #papa emeritus fic #papa emeritus x reader #ghost the band #angst with a happy ending #angst #fluff #angst and fluff #ghost angst #terzo angst #papa emeritus iii x reader #band ghost #ghost x reader

[suhyewon]

more unwell thoughts about the idea of healing and how the show intertwines it with truth and memory in different ways. under a cut because im going to TALK

i'm re-listening rn and i'm just approaching the end of season 1, and coming back to the beginning right after finishing the final season is just striking with how much dot and lily's relationship evolves over the course of the show. i mean, of course it does, but like........ the way lily shows up still so angry and hurt because of her mom leaving, and how much that shapes every part of their relationship especially at the start, and that hurt isn't gone by the end of the show but they're working on it. they understand each other better.

like, dot knows why she moved back to mount absalom, and the glimpse we get in 5.11 shows us how hard it was for her, but lily doesn't know that. she was a kid at the time. and at the start of the show she doesn't even believe (or doesn't want to) that dot cares about that, that it was hard for her, even that she's a good person. and learning the truth doesn't change the pain they both went through but it does let them start to rebuild a better relationship.

what about with wes and silas, who in their own ways have both forgotten their pasts? i don't think we know how long wes worked at fenwood with dot, but he spends a good amount of time just walking around completely unaware that he's dead. and you could argue that he's happy so it's fine, but there's just this huge chunk of his existence, of who he is, that he can't even begin to grapple with because he doesn't know about it. and how do you even answer a question like this - is it better to be unaware of something so monumental about yourself, if it means being happier? never thinking too hard about anything that might cause the facade to crumble, even something as simple as your home address? is that happiness real, is it worth it?

and silas being kind of the same but in the opposite direction, he doesn't remember what happened to him either but that just means he's walking around with this immense pain and sorrow he can't do anything about, because he doesn't know what caused it. and even so, he doesn't want to know - lily still has to talk him into it - because remembering might be the first step to healing but it's still going to fucking hurt. is that better? you'll never move past it but at least it won't get worse? (it always gets worse! "i'll lose control" "you've already lost it")

and that just..... circles back around ad infinitum. of course wes doesn't want to find out that he's dead! he seemingly disappears from the face of the earth once he does, just trying to deal with it all, with what this means, and then later with who he even is if he's an echo or a memory rather than a ghost. he has a complete crisis, which is completely reasonable, and it must have fucking sucked.

likewise silas, having to face what happened to him, knowing nothing except that it's going to be awful. blooms even tries to deny remembering it when lily says he does. having to relive all of your worst experiences just for the chance of peace after.

and likewise lily, coming to terms with her mom leaving and how much that continues to hurt her, but being able to acknowledge that it hurt dot as well. and that even though dot caused her all that pain, she's also not a bad person, and they love each other; even though it means letting go of her anger and resentment about it. like, that's also hard. anger can be validating. you were hurt. it is and will continue to be horrible. but being able to move past it means their relationship can start healing, too.

there's just something about all of that, how facing the truth can heal but first it's going to hurt. it's going to hurt because it means acknowledging the pain is there. it means acknowledging bad things happened. maybe it means having to relive something awful or realise that the situation you're in is way more fucked than you thought - but also acknowledging that denial is only going to make it worse.

it hurts first.

but you can heal.

#unwell podcast #does this make sense am i screaming into the void #i could specifically talk abt how this applies to wes and silas and blooms for like 2000 more words at least #because it is FASCINATING to me #like with wes its just him. he's dead and he doesn't know so he can't deal with it #and when he knows he does process it and eventually come back #then silas and blooms are like #gestures #here you have the repressed awful memories (blooms) #and here you have all the pain with none of the context. because the memories are repressed (silas) #and they CANNOT work through that because neither of them has the whole context #what is a ghost but a memory what is a ghost when the memory is gone but the feeling remains #going to gnaw off my own arm

[basketcaseeeeee]

A Lost Ship: part 2.

TRIGGER WARNINGS ⚠️ - self harm, depression.

Walking your friends out hugging each of them goodbye. Telling them how much you love and appreciate them, especially now at this moment in time. Closing your front door you lean your forehead against it closing your eyes sighing trying to prepare yourself for the talk you were about to have. Walking back into your bedroom you lock eyes with Eddie. Guilt written clear across his face but his giving some sort of sympathetic sad towards you. Sitting back down on your shared bed you stayed silent. Staring straight ahead at your TV playing one of your favorite comfort shows now ruined to you forever by these moments, this event. Not even paying to attention to it because you couldn't. You couldn't think. Your mind was just..blank. Trying to form a coherent thought to speak but your mind just wasn't working. Breaking the silence Eddie says "I'm sorry." You just shook your head turning to face him "No, you're not. I don't believe you. I can't believe you. I can't believe you did this this way" gesturing around your room. "I had to. I felt like I had to. I knew if they were here you wouldn't try to hurt yourself like the last time I tried to break up with you." He said back. Face started to burn anger creeping up your throat the words starting spilling out before you stop to think "that is not why I did what I did! That, me cutting, has nothing to do with you! It never has! I don't know how to deal with things properly and when everything becomes too much that's how I deal. It's the only thing in life that I feel like I have control over. I would never try to off myself because you or get you to stay with me and the fact that you thought that is insane to me. It's pathetic. Why did you stay with me if that's what you thought? If that's how really you felt?" "You know who would get blamed for it you had?! ME! Cops come to find you like that and im going to prison!" He angrily spewed back at you. Scoffing in disbelief bringing your hands up grasping your hair "that's what you were worried about?! Are fucking serious?! So you what just staying together with me so you wouldn't go to prison? Unbelievable" you say shaking your head at him. "Yes! I am! Cops would blame me, your family, yours and my friends. And no, thats not why I stayed. Not the only reason I stayed." Crossing your arms over your chest you just scoff at him again saying nothing. He continues "I did love you...I do love you but I love myself too. I can't keep going on like this. We can't keep going on like this. We've both said and done things we're not proud of and I thought I could get past them. Thought that I could let them go and just move on but I couldn't. I can't." You can feel your heart breaking more and more by every passing minute. "We could go to couples therapy. I could go to therapy. Maybe we just need some space apart to work on things. I'll still move out and we can work through this." You plead but he just keeps shaking his head no looking downward. "There's nothing I can say or do to convince you is there? Your mind is made up. It's over isn't it?" You choke out. Tears blurring your vision. "I'm sorry." Is all he can manage to say. Silence overcomes the room. The tv still playing in the background and of course the universe kicking you more when you're already down. Your comfort show that no longer brings comfort plays the worst scene at the worst moment. The quote now being ingrained in your mind. "I hate being alone. I don't like being left with my own thoughts, such as they are." This moment burned into your memory forever. Life's cruel joke.

#stranger things #eddie munson #angst #eddie munson angst #eddie munson x reader angst #heartbreak #breakup

[arjunasearth]

It's really easy to be angry. Anger became so familiar to me that I had a difficult time differentiating between that and my sadness. Both of them felt equally daunting. It's difficult to work on your sadness when its root is boiling with anger. And it doesn't always look the way we expect it to. Sometimes, the face of anger is neutral, a quiet rumble that you don't notice because it's buried so deep. That steady stream of anger and hurt can trickle into every single thing that you do. It's time to start nurturing what is buried so deep within us that we forget it was even planted there. -Brianna Pastor

(Adding what I wrote here on myself when I first saw this post on IG:)

This.

I've been dealing a lot with the energy of anger. What does my own anger show me? What does my own anger of others reflect (also to themselves)?

It is an alchemization of anger into sadness, from sadness into healing. It doesn't happen from one day to the other. It happens as a process, releasing a lot (!) of pain. Anger is also necessary to feel our hurt. But it can also overflow us and activate other mechanisms (e.g. taking control) of ourselves( others. Dealing with anger also teaches me how pushing it away is literally the worst thing that one can do; because the energy of pain and hurt gets stagnant in a way.It is so so important to let it all out, to relase.~~

How do we, collectively, deal with anger?

Are we willing to deal with generational and intergenerational anger,too?

Are we dealing with anger at all?

What are our coping strategies- as a Culture? As a society? As individuals who are an inherent part of (various) Communities?

Also, I would like to add here that Im going through an intense phase now where I absolutely question everything I do in my relationship to men (in particular) and how it affects me mentally, physically, spiritually, energetically. I've been going through ENORMOUS phases of ignorance in my previous relationship and also, he ignored and still ignores himself and the truth, only to protect himself. This made and still makes me so so angry. At one point, I just started yelling out of the frustration and tiredness of not being heard, not being felt, not being accepted or taken seriously. Nothing hurts more than that: ignorance from your closest ones. And yet, it is still even worse to ignore one'self (and ones' self, too) on a daily basis. So many people are lying to themselves- simply-because it is the easier option. This is what makes me the most angry: They know the solution but they are simply not willing to take responsibility , to become autonomous and NOT Selfcentred! Plus the collective anger that is going on in the country i live in. So much suppressed anger. Never spoken out loud, never released. Germany is not easy in this point, believe me. So yeah here we are. opening up about it and embracing vulnerability certainly helps because I came to a point where there is so much anger , pointing to hurt, pain and grief, to (intentionally) not being understood and ignored just for the sake of one's ego. I will never understand how one can be like that and life clearly shows me that I dont have to! These people barely even understand themselves. Completely different stage of consciousness evolution. Ive learned it the hard way..but I learned it for sure

#shadowwork #lightmessage #releasingpain #whatdoesourangershowus? #healingisnotlinear #healinghurts #itisokay to allow feel pain and hurt #angerpointsatsthbigger #reflct

[royalwriteroftheuniverse]

Summer Wedding Part 4

But this is what really happened....

18+ just incase

No publishing or printing REBLOGs and COMMENTS are Appreciated!!

Warnings: Angst some fluff some mention if like ari being over pritective but he is an assasin at times so thats whay I meant ai wasn't trying for him to be controling but rather make sure no one kidnapped her. I cant think of others. I walked in the kitchen seeing Ari there I gasp. He turns

"I'm so sorry  I-"

the nervous pang of an invisible sharp knife hit my chest and rippled into my limbs as tears filled my eyes.

"I'm leaving I-Im so sorry.I-"

"Wait I-"

I can't believe I did that how did I not hear him.  Oh God. The tears started all over. There was a knock on the door.

"I'm sorry please dont make me leave tonight." After the fight we had I dont think I know him anymore. Then I realized what came out of my mouth. I was begging him. I don't think I know who I am anymore. Who has he turned me into? "Can I come in?"

"It's your house."

"It's  ours. I'm  sorry I just. When you danced and I saw him have everything I wanted in his arm I-" He wasn't looking at me. It felt like a stand off. He never finished his sentance.

"Can I have some privacy please." He nodded and left. I got dressed. I wasn't going to wait for him to kick me out or whatever. I needed to leave and just get air or something.

And thats how I ended up at a Jazz and blues  bar in the middle of the night. It was quiet after a band played for hours.  "You know I thought I'm the one that's supposed an expert in the blues."

She turns to her right as shes still tring to process what he said.

"What?" She was stirring her drink The man broke his cool exterior,

"Sorry  that was a really bad pick up line."

She couldnt help but smirk "I've heard worse." "You look like the last thing you need is a man trying to pick you up. So how about a a trumpet  player?" She cracked up.

"That's just wrong on so many levels."

"Made you laugh."

"That I did need."

"Beer." The trombone player asked the bartender

"Haven't seen you here before.-"

"You here every night?"

"Just when I work,"

she gave him a confused look and he gave her a confused well more of a concerned look about why she was confused.

"The blues, trumpet player. I'm with the band we played over two hours tonight"

"I am so sorry I, I'm just so out if it I just I had a really bad week- My boyfriend broke up with me and we had the worst fight. I mean I just felt like shit like im the worst person in the world right now." Tears filled her eyes. "I'm sorry.

"Don't be. And you can't be worse than my ex trust me talk about being assholes."

She raise her eye brows, "You can't leave it like that."

"My ex just told me she was pregnant-"

"Congratulations,"

"It's not mine she broke up with me just before graduation about well  few years back. Actually  the day I was going to propose, yea she thought it would be a good time for a break . I was going to follow her all the way to her job is Pennsylvania from Georgetown"

"Wow"

He chuckles.

"Then I ran into her at a wedding where she tells me she's pregnant and wants to have lunch to catch up where she wants my advice on how to propose to her boyfriend."

"Oh my god you're kidding- you're just saying that to make me feel better."

"God I wish I was." He takes a swig of beer.

"So what'd your ex do? why'd he make you feel like shit."

"How do you know it was him?"

"You said boyfriend."

"No I mean-"

"I know, you just seem too nice.  You're thinking about it, sulking I'd bet if you were the one that did whatever it was you'd be after his forgiveness not sitting here for 3 and a half hours nursing the same drink."

"Wait 3 and a half hours? What time is it?"

"Almost 3 am."

"Oh my God."

"So spill."

"I'd spend less time tell you what I apprently did (i.e. nothing at all hence the worthlessness she feels) or didn't do even Helen of Troy was my fault."

"You gotta love that one. It's all your fat because God forbit they an adult take responsibility foor anything."

"Right like and the way he said it I just, I still feel like-" I sighed "doesn't matter now anyway" I  stared at the small slip in front of me.

Looking for a new place?

"Yea."

"I uh can introduce you to a landord if you want. I think you'll get along. You can take a look at the apartment too."

"When?"

"Now?"

"Now? It's like 3 am? Do I look that- "

" No I-" he drops his head and shakes it. I dont mean it like that I-I'm  the landlord. Really."

He looked honest. But so did Ari once upon a time.

"Screw it. Besides if anything happens I'm  sure Ari will say it was I was asking for it so it had to be my fault."

I could feel Nick was eyeing me.

"You're serious."

"Yep. Like I the fall of the roman empire was my fault."

True to his word. Nick was the building manager and the apartment was gorgeous, big roomy and I'm  pretty sure way more expensive than I could afford."

Nick was hading back and leaned on the side of the living room despite it being fully furnished.

"So what do ya think?"

"I think I love it-"

"It's yours."

"I don't think-"

"You can afford it. I promise." "You dont even know what i make- if I make anything." He sighed and turned around My parents own the building you don't even have to pay rent ok.  Why don't you stay here tonight and If you dont mind waiting a few days I can help you move all your stuff out into here." "Really?" "Yeah" "Thank you." I randomly gave him a hug. "I know what it's like to have a bad ex." "You have no clue."

Ok so I wasn't going to tell Nick that Ari was a forign operative and that if anything did happen to me, while it would be "my fault" or not he'd  still save me as he has some sort of hero complex. But if Ari also really cared about me he wouldn't let it get that far. I knew him that much. Which made everything feel so much worse. Any other day before today if I was out this late he'd get nervous and text me. If I didnt answer in like 10 minutes he'd blow up my phone.  He had reason to it's not safe in the city alone-vulnerable especiallyif someone knows i date him and they have a bone to pick. Beig in the US puts me away from all the later. But the former....Sad but true as a woman alone. He used to say I was too pretty for my own good he meant is as a complimentI thought, that ...but now I see it wasn't no way it could have been .  I'm  sure that sounds possessive I'm sure this all does. He believed me when I said I was safe. He believed me when I said I was at a girlfriend's house. He always did. So it's not like he came running after me to drag me back home. But I liked it. Or rather I liked having someone to come home to. (Or to come home to me) Someone to care about me someone worrying if I'm ok. Maybe that sounds pathetic but I really was ok with it. Not that he didn't teach me self defense, as did  Rachel (who was more intense)  well it seems just about everyone taught me some self defense.  Ari did...was he used to be concerned about me. Which made all this worse. (Did I say that already?) If he cared at all he would've texted me just once. He knew I wasn't there and it was evident he didn't  care. I feel like I lost everything I had even though I know it wasn't true.

Part 5 comming soon

Tag list

@nana1000night @sapphire-rogers @sparklybarbarianninja @hawkeyes-queen

#chris evans #ari levinson x female reader #ari levinson x reader #ari levinson x you #avengers #andy barber #ari levinson fanfiction #chris evans fanfiction #steve rodgers fluff #chris evans smut #before we go #blues #jazz #nick vaughan #nick Vaughn xreader #angst #crying real tears #love #ari levinson imagine #ari levinson #ari levinson fluff #chris evans x plus size reader #steverodgersfanfiction #nomad steve #red sea diving resort #ari levinson x y/n

[slowjamastan]

hate that the best advice on doing something that intimidates you is to just do it. like yeah no shit but im not asking "how do i do x" in a literal sense. im asking about how to stop freezing like a deer in the headlights over minor tasks while going thru An Episode. like are we sure there's not a way that isn't pushing directly through the fear (try not to kms challenge) or just substance use/abuse? "just do it lol" is awful to hear and a struggle to internalize, and i get it. i literally get it, ive seen this method drastically improve my life before. but when im asking for HELP its not the doing it part thats confusing me. and the will to complete tasks is really really not something that other people can force on you. the worst is when someone is like "fine ill walk you through it" and treats you like a toddler to get whatever stupid task done. its worse than being left to fail. not only is it eating away at your sense of control long term but i end up right in the middle of the thing they started, mentally unprepared to be there because im only asking for help at this level because im in a place where nothing is easy. and i wanted help doing the task i guess sure but now there's expectations on me to continue and, yea, the intention was to force me to meet those expectations that have been set in motion, sure, but thats literally where i give up. i already wasn't able to handle the pressure, this was actually the original problem. and instead of failing at the beginning in an understandable way, im in the middle of it all looking insane. now im a liar and unreliable and people are mad at me, because i was forced to essentially make promises i cant keep. god dude i wish i could take "just do the thing" to heart all the time. i get these weird stress convulsions like, so much, from things that should be preventable or have an easy fix. and when the tide of paralysis ebbs and im able to push through the manageable level of everything sucks, its fantastic. but my god this is not possible all the time, even if i have a long stint of being Fine and functional it will go away again. and i genuinely wish that i would be allowed to fail on my own without people pitying me and helping pull me back together. i just want to really fuck everything up in a way that might snap me out of this bullshit forever out of fear ill ruin my life a second time. because there's no way this is an innate problem. its something i can and will get over, to whatever degree thats possible to do. sometimes im afraid its permanent but i choose to believe i can still pull my brain back together. this is like.....life circumstances brought me to this space where i cant function like an adult all that well. and we're gonna work thru that even if the appropriate age to do so was a while ago. thats fine. i just cant live like this for the rest of my life so it better not be some pure mental illness bullshit.. im gonna keep trying to act normal until it kills me lmao im gonna get normal eventually im sure. it'll be fine. thats all

#post

[flunkisflunk]

i ended all my long term friendships; two 7 year ones, three 5-6 year ones. a 3 year one too, i guess, because she hasnt been responding. all of my close friends. i got so caught up in my gradual descent back to my worst habits that i didnt even realize how i had been hurting them; it took an audio message from the young woman i had considered to be my soulmate(platonically) for me to fucking wake up from my stupor, after i didnt even text her despite her being fucking bedridden with covid, her telling me shes gonna start prioritizing herself and her own worth,saying that in our little 3 person group, that existed inside another larger friend group, i had always liked the other girl more. at first, i didnt even believe it was that serious. then the next morning, it clicked, with her second message, a reply to my apology, and my insistece that i loved her: “i lovED you, but right now, its hard.” , and i broke, fully and utterly -- for a few hours, before all feeling left me again and there was nothing left at all. i didnt quite know what to do, especially considering the wider implications it had for our very tight-knit friend group, but i wasnt the only one in deep shit; my other closest friend, my oldest friend, the 3rd  person, was also being accused of similar negligence and attention hoarding(and some other shit i didnt quite get but idk). she was the reason i texted my other friend in the first place to receive the message i did, after she had called me crying. i just remembered, as im typing this, that i had soothed her on the call, saying that it wasnt that serious, and i would never stop loving her, and i would never leave her. at least one of those things is true. 

and then we went on that trip, where most of the friend group couldnt even go, because they had, as mentioned, covid, but my oldest friend was one of the people who came along, along with another girl from the group, who was the kind of mom friend/leader. it was awkward, sure, but we got over it. my oldest friend response to the situation must have been much better than mine bc it seemed to me like she had a chance at actually repairing the rift. 

so one of the nights when im alone and the others are out, i call one of the friends that couldnt come bc of covid, who was also the boyfriend of the girl who sent the voice message that started it all, who i was so close with that i had been using his spotify for years, and who, despite being male, i felt very comfortable around -- he really is a sweetheart. one of the first things i asked him is if we were still friends -- “its complicated” -- if we were gonna stay friends “it depends on your behavior towards {my girlfriend} and {other people}”. i ended the call by telling him i loved him. he did not reply.

it was in that moment i realized that i couldnt fix this, that the level of hurt i caused was beyond acceptable. i had been such a terrible friend and person that the person who had swore to always love me, no matter what, no longer did. one of the kindest, most forgiving people i knew no longer knew how to deal with me. everybody was hurt and no one had said anything, just bottling it up inside bc they didnt want to cause a sense, despite how i treated them. and the worst part is: i dont even remember. i dont know what i did. i cant even remember the months leading up to this, manic and consumed as i was. i cant even remember my fuck ups, because i was so self obsessed. gd im so fucking disgusting.

 i went on to have the worst mental breakdown of my life. like im talking absolutely fucking mental; i was screaming, crying, yelling -- i yelled at myself in the mirror for 40 minutes straight-- slammed my head against the edge of a door til my skin broke. i couldnt calm down. i was so outta control. and when youre outta control like that, theres only one thing you can do to calm down, and luckily i had something there to use. 

so i calmed myself down, went to bed, prayed that i did miss any blood spots, and woke up the next morning to the familiar feeling of nothing. i knew for my oldest friend, her integration into the group would be easiest if i wasnt a wart on her side-- not to mention the hurt i had caused her too over the years. as the trip came to an end, on our last day, as it was just the two of us walking at the beach, i turned to my her and told her that after we returned home, we would probably no longer be friends. she asked me “what? so we’re no longer friends now?” and i replied “no. we still have today.” and we did. and then we returned home.

the next interaction i had was when i cancelled going to a friends birthday(a member of the friend group). the person id always thought of as my soulmate messaged me to tell me to pull myself together, call our friend and tell him i actually can go, and go, to not leave him hanging. i didnt reply. i wasnt going to ruin his party with my drama, and its not like my presence was a make-or-break for the party -- they were going to have fun anyways. later she wrote me that i always do this, leave people hanging like this, and it devolved into a larger argument of me apologizing and explaining my reasons, and her calling me out that my words were empty without action and that they sounded like a preachers sermon. it was the moment i told her i wasnt just ending my friendships with all of them, but also my oldest friend, the one shed accused me of loving more than her, that i think it really clicked in her head that i was serious. that this wasnt a gag, or something i was doing for attention, but i was really going to cut all ties, bloody and messy. it was then she told me something very sweet, she said: “ if this is what you think is best for you, fine. but i hope you hear a little {me}-voice in your head telling you not to do this. take care of yourself, and if you ever need anything, we’ll be here for you.” and that cracked something inside of me to know that even after all of this, her heart was still big enough to extend this kindness to me. shes such a wonderful person, really.

our next interaction, the last actual one really, was at the birthday of the aforementioned mom friend/leader of the group. i spent the first half of the night saying nothing, sitting there like my mouth was wired shut, which was probably very unnerving to everyone else there considering usually i didnt know how to shut the fuck up, drinking a fuckton on my two day empty stomach, and i got wasted. the person who came to me in that moment, as i sat there alone on a bench, was a person who i hadnt accounted for in all my imagined versions of how that night would go; the mom friends boyfriend, who ive known forever and is such a sweet person (i would always joke that they were my second parents) came and talked to me, and i, i completely broke down, sobbing loudly. i was wasted.

i asked to move to the bench that was secluded from the rest of the garden because i felt guilty for disturbing the party, and we did. moments later though my two oldest friends showed up, and so i sent him away so we could talk. i honestly do not remember much. they were sober, i was wasted, trying to have this serious conversation, and when i pointed out how unfair that was, my soulmate correctly stated that i never would have had this conversation sober. i laughed, because she was right. i would have run away. i couldnt stop crying while laughing, almost just screaming with the intensity of it. i realized that the worst part wasnt that we wouldnt be friends anymore, or we wouldnt be seeing each other anymore. the worst part, aside from the obvious fact of how much hurt id caused them, was that they still loved me. all of them. from the depths of their hearts they still cared, and they didnt want these friendships to end, and they were scared for me. thats what got me, thats what completely shattered my heart. i even recall that the conversation had a positive end, like we might be friends again. after getting home i sent the girl who started it all the google doc containing the short story id written about my feelings on all this hoping it might explain my feelings better. aside from that and a few basic messages asking to return possessions, etc.; i have not talked with any of them.

its been a month. i have a new friend group that one of the 3 people i didnt cut out of my life introduced me too, and theyre nice, and easygoing (stoners, yk).

and i think i have to retract my earlier statement because i think what the worst part really is, is that now, despite all these memories and over half a decades worth of love, despite everything; i feel absolutely fine.

#i know people dont read these but just in case: #tw self harm mention #tw disordered eating mention

[frya]

'10th month' thoughts ~~ I was super anxious last month. I was starting to have this thought at the back of my mind that we were going to break up because the thought "this is where most of my relationships end" kept on echoing. This set me off to a constant battle to self destruct. Just yesterday, I was walking alone and contemplating about things (even though I was too anxious to do it in fear of breaking down in the middle of an unknown place to me) to see how I was, where I am, and what I really wanted to do.

I'm totally and honestly super disappointed in myself. Not being 'just' hard but just being truthful. Recently, I have seen that I let my anxiety get the worst in me. It has lead me to hurting the people I love. Saying hurtful things. Hurting myself even more. I am at a point where I honestly cannot see myself ever capable of being good or deserving of anything I have at the moment. This very thought is pushing me off to isolate myself even more as I kept on seeing how this affects the people around me. Who could do that to the people they love? So far in my life, this is the part where I can say that im really at my worst.

Despite all that, its truly beyond my belief that I still can say that im cared and loved. Although there are overpowering scenarios and thoughts about how people have to me recently that keeps on setting me off to a rough patch, what I have right now is more than enough for me. Its beyond what I deserve.

2. Im at a point in my life where everything is being pulled to the left and right and sometimes the stretch is a bit too much for me that I think I might finally break. But im still here. Pain is my friend because of that. Funny still, that there's this glimpse of positivity in my heart that I am in the right place, its just difficult right now because this is beyond my comfort zone. What made me see this is how things are just starting to fall in to place without me even trying. Heck, im so tired to try. That I just said to myself, I'll just go with the flow this time.

Im still trying to get a looser grip on the things that I have tried to control for so long to lessen the strain in my life. But still, I hope that the things that are very dear and important in my heart stays the same or finds its way to be what I need and want.

3. In most of my confusions and thoughts, you are the only thing that makes sense. Mel, I am truly grateful of how understanding and gentle you have been. Even if I have been nothing but a cold hearted, needy, and useless in all of the fights and misunderstandings we had. I truly don't deserve you. And you certainly don't think that you deserve how I have been to you to the point that several times I started to believe that being apart from you is my way of protecting you from myself. But you never let me go. And because of your love, I want to make everything worth it for us both. Even if right now whatever is in my hands I can't get properly a hold of. I love you beyond words. Thank you for giving me a chance to become better at loving you and also for reminding me to love myself again. I appreciate that you still try to understand me even if im really difficult to understand. But I want you to know that it means the world to me that you do understand, you are a big part of why Im still here. Why im still fighting. You make me happy, you make me feel alive and that I want to live. Thank you my love. You surprise me still after all this time. I hope you can forgive me for my shortcomings. I love you forever.

I will be doing my best for the next seasons of our love to love and treat you better.

[dailytatsu]

Hello! I saw request were open so i was wondering if i could request some headcanons of the Archons and/or the Adepti meeting a God reader who is the God of Chaos and destruction. The reader is not a Archon tho and travels all over Teyvat cuz small bits of destruction were ever they go. They're pretty mischievous and somewhat smug but despite how they act they're actually a good person. They dont mean to cause problems(most of the time anyways) chaos follows them were ever they go. Idk if you have a character limit but if you do please tell me so i wont make a mistake again. And if there is you can just do Zhongli and Xiao. Optionally could you make them a dendro user, there not a lot of dendro content and if not thats fine. I understand. Could you make the reader Gn or Non-binary they/them pronouns please? If not male reader is totally fine. Im so sorry for the long post and I hope you have a good day/night!

Ohmy, it’s my first time just writing headcanons! I’m use to write a lot, so let’s hope I did it right (^ ^' )7

Thanks for the request! ✨

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[HC] God of Chaos! Reader and the Archons + Xiao

Characters: Zhongli, Xiao, Venti, Shogun Raiden (Ei).

Gn! Reader

I tried doing it with everyone but I’m no still that confident to try writing with some characters ＿|￣|○

Sorry for any mistakes!

Request are open!

Genshin Masterlist

Second part ->

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VENTI

To be honest, he didn't notice your presence at first. He had other concerns on his mind that day to perceive the chaotic (and slightly threatening) aura that Mondstadt was infected with that day.

Barbatos is a person of habit, so he couldn't help but be curious when the crowd in front of him began to look a little agitated instead of seeming to enjoy his lyre and his songs.

But then a series of domino events appeared in front of his very eyes.

The purity of the chaos was such that he felt overwhelmed, even without the white-haired boy around, if it wasn’t Bennett fault, then how was it possible for everything to be ruined in such a short time?

His patience ended when, out of nowhere, the strings of his lyre jumped close to his face as they snapped. Making that awful noise that couldn’t mean nothing good.

Okay, enough, who is messing around in here? No more joking in his nation!

He concentrated a little, a faint but unique presence kept his nerves on edge, as if he was being watched from afar. He moved away from the busy areas and then chased that ephemeral energy to the highest point of the church, where the bells were ringing in an irregular and stressful way.

Then he found you. Snoozing against one of the columns, somewhat tired because the trip you made to reach Mondstadt.

Surprisingly, Barbatos understood you since the first exchange of words. A god of chaos who was also a free spirit, you followed no rules ever written in Teyvat, and you had no plans to apologize for the mess you made.

Both of you were Zhongli’s worst nightmare, but that’s another story.

He managed to through your arrogance and your teasing nature that you, in fact, were a lonely spirit that liked to witness the life from above of everyone.

The difference between teasing someone accidentally and committing a crime was really visible, but he still couldn't help but feel like he should scold you after your mere presence messed up with the guild's baskets full of fish.

But hey! He also enjoy the company! Venti tried to teach you how to enjoy the calm and the whisper of wind, music can also contain chaos, feelings, old stories waiting to be told again, expressions and desire united, in a wonderful piece of-

As you yawned his lyre broke up again. Making clear the message.

Okay, not even God of Freedom and Wind can control chaos. Anyways, what a tragedy, but there’s nothing a simple bard can do, smh.

“Do you like kids, don’t you?” He said once, after a nice day of hearing him sing before your chaos reached his little concert. Again watching everyone from above on the hands of the statue, with your attention caught by some kids playing tag.

“… I don’t know what do you mean.” Once discovered you had no choice but to remain defensive, pretending to be disinterested.

“Heh, you aren’t a good liar.” It may not be the wisest thing to make fun of someone who could destroy the place where you were resting, but Venti was confident that he knew you well enough to know that you were not so explosive. “You know!, I just have some pieces, but I think it’s because they are little walking concentrations of pure and innocent chaos, am I wrong?”

He wasn’t, no at all. But you would never confess something that embarrassing.

This guy wrote a ballad about the days when Mondstadt got immerse with that strike of bad luck. Kind of an apology of not being able to handle the situation.

Now there’s the rumor that says that, every time somebody sings that song, something unlucky will happen in front of you.

The song is cursed.

One night when the moon was shining on the Cider Lake his well tuned ears distinguished a melody that was broken from time to time by the accidents of his performer, distracting him of his way to look for you.

It could be painful to listen to, but Venti could certainly feel the dedication of the one who was playing the imperfect song.

The ballad of the god of chaos, hummed like a lullaby that instead of making you sleep makes you question the events of the day. Wishing for the slightest thing to be different after an exhaustive week of peace and tranquility.

A lonely spirits cursing their existence, sitting in the highest point of a stranger’s palace, where you can reach the sky by only rising your hand.

The next day, Barbatos invited you to drink some wine, this time near Windrise to avoid accidents in the city.

As he almost dropped the bottle when a lot of slimes were attracted by your presence, he confirmed the theory about that the way to spend time with you would not be his personal definition of hanging out.

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ZHONGLI

Okay, there’s only two scenarios that could happened when you set a foot in Liyue.

Old man has a soft spot for you for being a relative young deity.

Or he’s always lecturing you for not having control of your aura and powers.

How u dare bringing chaos to the nation of order? It’s that a death wish?

Jokes aside, you’re not really a threat. And he could sense that after he saw how you tried to avoid having direct contact with the city. Rex Lapis found your silhouette jumping and crossing through the mountains until reaching the fairest point that allowed you to enjoy the view of the streets that were filled with life and light as the sunsets.

He even noticed how you sighed in frustration when a storm started out of nowhere. A rain dedicated just for the arriving of the God of Chaos. Not even bothering of getting shield, you stayed in your place to look at all the people who were getting back to their places.

The rain seemed to stop over your head, for a second was enough to stop you from being cruelly swamped by the very weather you had created. An elegant umbrella covered you, the long awaited surprise you expected from someone as outdated as Morax.

You looked up, and found his expression calm and attentive, watching you. As if he had made a great discovery that he could not believe

“May I have a moment of your time to keep you company? Letting out your sorrows in the middle of a torrential storm is not what I would recommend as way to spend a good day.”

“… What are you talking about? Get in your own business, old man.”

“Well, you should know that a sorrow shared is a sorrow halved.”

Next time you knew was that he was helping you to dry your hair with a towel once you let him guide you to his place.

Zhongli picked you up like a abandoned cat that day. Even if having you near meant to deal with new the roof leaks.

Also kept you away from Hu Tao, if you two ever get along for being partners in crime he would seal himself underground-

For all the time you spend exploring Liyue, there he was. Like a little kid showing his treasures. But also like a worried father looking after his child for them not to stumble making their first steps.

Look at you! Almost crushing those Treasure Hoarders when a bunch of rocks fell down after you jumped at the edge of the cliff.

Wait, no- come back here! You should verify the surroundings and be aware of the weight of your power if you’re going to explore in that bold way. You, chaotic brat.

Another one who believed fervently that your mood was to blame for the constant chaos you caused. He also tried to show you the wonders of peace and calm, teaching you how to prepare tea while listening to the storyteller (also both being a little far away from the rest of them, just in case).

He couldn’t help but sigh when the teapot arm broke as soon as you tried to serve the tea. What a waste, he thought.

You apologized to him, kind of stressed with yourself after you took all the pieces with your bare hands to run away with them. Leaving a confused Zhongli behind.

Next day you were back, with the teapot repaired and just like new.

He let out a lot of thankful words, some flattering and a lot more cheesy things that you never had received before.

With that unexpected affection you couldn’t help but react flustered; then a cat that was chasing a bird jumped through a lot of decorations and merchandise, almost starting a fire as the chained events kept going.

Yeah,, uh, Zhongli got some useful mental notes about you and your chaos that day.

Hey, before you go, want to make a contract? You won’t regret it!

But as the wandering spirit you were you had no problems in reject his offer, but also promising that you would visit Liyue if he wanted you to.

Of course he wanted! But.. maybe next time you should stay in Huaguang Stone Forest instead of roaming near the city,,

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XIAO

Tried to kill you.

I mean, your aura is threatening and full of a destructive energy, how is possible that you weren’t a demon to eradicate??

Sorry, but he had a point.

Your first met was on your way to reach Huaguang Stone Forest along with Zhongli for introduce you with the Adeptus.

Xiao, in the other side, thought that you were about to attack Morax from behind, so he just struck against you. With his polearm near to go through your chest, just stopped because you felt him before.

Lifting your hand at his direction, summoning chaos, this time, on purpose. The wind gained a wrathful nature and the biggest roots that were hiding under his feet rose to caught him.

And when you were about to hit each other Zhongli’s shield appeared just in time to separate both of you. Preventing a real catastrophic event.

Now stop fighting and introduce to each other.

Nice(n’t) to meet u.

What if you tried to awake Azhdaha to bring chaos and destruction to Liyue? What if you wanted to summoned Osial? What if… ?

Zhongli had to confirm and promise to him that those cruel possibilities won’t be a near future for respecting the real reason of your travel.

No matter if he wasn’t comfortable with your presence, it wasn’t his decision to allow you to roam freely, so he had to get use to it.

He immediately knew after hearing about your nature that was your fault that lately there were a lot more demons and monsters. Even his karma was getting more painful than usual.

(If you ever meet Hu Tao, please think twice before doing Xiao a prank)

You both didn’t interact a lot, and being honest, it was better that way.

He hadn’t a single intention of talking with you again until the day you were practicing the song that your Anemo friend taught you. By the other hand, Xiao noticed that the melody had the same nature as the one he once heard before being consumed by the karma.

It wasn’t a flute, but a worn lyre that was still in one piece after weeks of being repaired again and again.

“That song… ”

“Do you know it?” Xiao just nodded, staying in silence, being your very first audience even if you still have a lot to learn about playing a lyre.

It wasn’t as effective as the original, but was still… nice, kind of nostalgic.

Next morning, the Yaksha called for you. Made you stay still in the middle of a plain and then he disappeared of your sight.

He abandoned y- wait, what’s that? Why those monsters has that weird dark aura?

You were about to defend yourself until Xiao appeared back just in time to defeat them.

That day you became his personal bait for demons and monsters. Naturally you attracted chaos, so anyway you were, there will be also something to fight.

I guess this is your way to pay for all the troubles you made for him and his duty, so no complaining about it.

If you ask for a unexpected experience to Ganyu she would said that once she found both of you fighting along against the catastrophe, looking after each other’s back and almost having a perfect synchrony.

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SHOGUN RAIDEN; EI

Also tried to kill you.

Well, the puppet tried to.

And then Ei tried when you had the opportunity of facing her.

But since killing a god just mean the releasing of a lot, pure, energy she couldn’t afford that risk, much less considering your “speciality”.

Who knows what would happen to Inazuma if your vital energy burst across the nation. Just like that old story about Sal Terrae and their goddess.

She just defeated you. Letting you rest and recovering in the midst of the plane of her reality within her mind. Your inert body in the middle of the battlefield as she kept meditating.

When you woke up she ignored your presence, but also denying your complaints about letting you go out back.

In her words, you were a burden, another enemy of eternity. Something as unpredictable as you and your “accidents” couldn’t get along with her utopia.

Ei could banish you from Inazuma, but she knows your type. Stubborn and not accepting the most simple orders to obey.

She knew that you would found a way to be back.

It’s better like this.

And in the hypothetical case of you being freed when she trapped the traveler (kicking you out) and then having a chance to see her again after the end of the war, then things would be somewhat different.

There’s not that much of civilization on some islands, so she allowed you to explore as much as your heart wanted. But if something serious happen, she promised that would end her work in the middle of the sea so your remains never be found.

Okay, message clear. Just do chaos near monsters and bandits, got it,,

Even if she wanted to spend some time with you and telling you some stories about Inazuma and other gods she couldn’t found the right time to call you at her presence.

As the current ruler of Inazuma she was busier than the rest of Archons you have meet. Maybe just some letters now and then like a way to keep a logbook, but not really a face to face talk.

Until she got the opportunity of a day off, just to found you messing around near some ruins. Trying to solve a puzzle before your speciality strikes in. The structure fell down after your fingertips reached the stone.

When the dust dissipated, you discovered her figure judging you from the other side of the remain ruins.

Give her a good reason for not errase you from the map, I dare u.

You felt the worst was about to come when Ei ordered you to follow her after a long sigh. Crossing her arms and starting to walk away from the bunch of old and worn rock.

Plot Twist, she actually invited you to rest under a tree, asking in her serene voice the reason for your journey and your origin. In such a direct way that it seemed more like a sentence than a talk to get to know each other better.

You answered what you could remember and then the silence stayed like the only way of interaction between you two.

Ohno, you know this pattern. Something’s about to happen-

“There is some strange beauty in the chaos, it may be the calm after the storm, but the catastrophe itself is seen as a necessary evil to appreciate the stillness. How much it would last until the lighting hit the valley?”

“So I arrived to keep order between the humans?”

Well yes, but actually no.

“… You see, if there is nothing but order and a lack of problems, mortals are likely to create them on their own. Their minds feels the need to be tested, to prove their worth, so I guess some of your chaos may be part of the history.”

“… then shall we take a walk in Inazuma?” You did not know if you were right, but you thought you saw a faint smile through his lips in the same way that lightning can be seen in the sky.

“I’ll allow it.” She said.

Her only condition was for you not to approach the huge boxes of fireworks down the street.

#genshin fic #genshin headcanons #genshin imagines #genshin impact #genshin impact x reader #reader insert #genshin impact x y/n #genshin scenarios #mondstadt #genshin liyue #venti headcanons #genshin zhongli #genshin boys #baal x y/n #gi x reader #zhongli x y/n #xiao x y/n #xiao headcanons #xiao x reader #gi x you #male reader #genshin request #genshin baal #raiden shogun #genshin x gender neutral reader #genshin x reader #genshin fluff #ei genshin #venti genshin x reader

[kyoobot]

Spamton Character Analysis/Discussion

Gonna post my thoughts on spamton and his character since I saw talk about it! I love this guy so ill present everything I know and what I think is going on with him

I enjoy writing a lot, but I am an amatuer so please forgive my structure haha. 

I wrote this addressing all sorts of thoughts and questions. If anyone has anything to say please do! 

Spamtons introduction I think his introduction is a pretty good starting point for him He pops out of his dumpster and gives his introduction AND then notices kris and addresses them Spamton gives me the animatronic giving its dance number to an empty auditorium vibe He gave his little intro before being aware anyone was watching him He has a certain way of acting and it seems there's some things he can't help Like his introduction and his quirks

Spamton absolutely is aware hes scamming people, but I think he feels that there's no other option. Other characters have mentioned him asking for their help to get into the mansion, and the addisons pretend he doesn't exist. He comes across as a sort of person no one is willing to help, so he has to resort to lying to get what he wants. Which for his current goals, i don't blame anyone for not. I say he knows bc in pacifist Neo he apologizes for the scams and promises to do better. Personally I think this is exactly where people get his softer interpretations. Spamton seems to know his scams are wrong and wants to do better and actually be a friend, but the universe or whatever is tormenting him just won't let him have it. 

Is Spamton being Controlled? I would say, yes. To what degree? I'm not sure! I do not know where he got the idea to put himself into Neo. Did the voice tell him? Did he figure it out? Did he not put himself in before because he wasn't that desperate yet? Whatever the case, I believe the pursuit of Neo was his own sort of. I think whoever gave him forbidden knowledge/is controlling him knew what would happen but he convinced himself it was the solution to everything. I think, that whatever is controlling spamton is more in his thoughts and what he can say. The very telling shop dialouge where he seems to "break character" and beg someone for forgiveness strongly hints that hes not just talking about freedom in an existential way, but more of an actual way (edited) Spamton is desperate. He says so to us. His dialog and flavor texts also hint at this. He says very clearly "[help]", NOTHINGS WRONG NOTHINGS  WRONG NOTHINGS WRONG., the it burns dialouge, the soft cry for help in the shop Lots of things in his dialouge plainly show someone who needs and wants help but. Its Spamton. He doesn't know what will help him and he believes he has to scam to get any help. All he has is Neo as his one last hope.  I personally don't think he's bad for "scamming" us either. We go along with it willingly. Kris maybe doesn't, but we do.  I see Spamton as a very flowey/chara like character. He needs help, but he doesn't know what he needs. He thinks Neo will solve all his problems (like flowey with the human souls and wanting to "play" forever). Thing is, spamton never needed any soul to realize what he was doing was wrong. He knew, he just didn't think there was any other way.  Spamton is sentimental and deep down just wants friendship imo. He talks about being a big shot being his end goal, but at the end of pacifist, all he's happy about is being free and living for himself and his friends. In snowgrave he talks about muttering his "lost friends" names at the bottom of a dumpster. He very clearly misses his friends. But he has been abandoned. His friends even clearly stated it was them that left first. I don’t know why they did not reconnect with him afterwards. There is lots we do not see with spamton. He could have estranged them even further, or perhaps he avoided them on purpose because he was ashamed. He misses them and wishes to see them still though. This again is where I think people get his softer interpretations. He is a scammer, but honestly. Hes the embodiment of spam email. He can't help being who he is. He's like Edward scissorhands. He cuts everyone he loves because of who he is, regardless of how he feels. 

He’s a very difficult character to parse! Characters that are embodiments of actual concepts also having their own personalities is difficult. It’s like the whole nature and nurture thing, how much of their actions is purely them and how much is it because of who they are? (Not forgiving any actions here lol, i just find it very sad and interesting how spamton is literally something people hate in the real world and how what he is influences his “life”)

Alright next thought: Spamton hates himself Now this is a weird one huh? The guy that plasters his face on everything and sends mini versions of himself to fight hates himself? Not as unlikely as one would think! Snowgrave is very telling on this one. His whole speech is basically to himself. Talking about his abandonment and how he is pathetic and how he makes himself sick. He calls himself (and the player) a worm. Everything he says to kris in that speech is projection at himself. Even in pacifist Neo fight we see some of his self hate. He is absolutely elated at the idea of not being a "long nosed doll" anymore. Spamton very much doesn't like himself or his body. He stinks because he lives in a dumpster and he hates it so much he punches it likely leaving a dent. Personally I think everything has his face on things bc the only thing he has left is himself. It's the only thing he can "sell". And like mettaton he probably used to sell things with his face on them  all the time. Its like his introduction, its just part of who he is. He probably just rolls with it bc he probably tries to see himself as a temporarily embarrassed big shot. His face will be worth millions again!! Just you wait!!! (....) 

Snowgrave Spamton Since we mentioned snowgrave, im gonna say yeah, I dont think spamton is evil. If flowey ultimately isn't evil, then he isn't either. Just like flowey, our actions influence him. In pacifist, spamton desperately jumps at the chance of us helping him get to Neo. We can totally just ignore him and complete the story without him with no punishment for that. In snowgrave however, when he sees us murdering everyone he has to change up his tactics. Of course he knows that if he fought us he would be frozen. So he's gonna help us. He's an opportunist 100%. Hes not the main villian at all in snowgrave. We are lol. We murder everyone. He helps, but its us who goes the whole way. He is still wrong for giving us the ring though and he even comments on that. I do think its strange that both he and the pink addison conveniently had rings that helped Noelle get stronger specifically. They almost feel intentionally placed, like someone gave them those items for snowgrave. Perhaps we will see more on that in future chapters.  I do think its very funny that spamton counts taking over the mansion as becoming a big shot. He also seems fine with the wires in snowgrave. I do wonder if snowgrave Spamton is more "controlled" to be honest, but thats much more in conjecture than fact lol. To have more information on that we would have to just see in later chapters and see if a pattern emerges.

Anyways, I do think spamton is the ultimate opportunist. He will do what he can to get a leg up. He doesn't care how he does it. In snowgrave you prove to him that the way he's going about things is right. In Pacifist spamton comes to the conclusion that he was wrong because of your actions. He falls, but he is able to be lucid enough to not be self serving and gives himself up as an item to you. For someone as self serving as spamton to sacrifice himself is a big character moment imo. As gut wrenching as it is. I can see why people want to help him at that point. Post Neo spamton is the spamton that would most be receptive to help and friendship. I think lots of people struggle with pre neo spamton because it's hard to showcase his self serving nature. He's very selfish! He hates himself, but he wants to love himself again. Everything is about him in his world. Hes extremely funny in that way :y He is also aware that he has to sell himself. He knows that he has to be interesting so people will let him scam them. So thats just doubling back to why its always about him haha. Hes 100% a mettaton analog. Its all about him darling! (But secretly, all he really wants is his friends and life back) ((with sick neo wings lol))  Who is Mike? I have seen the Mike is the Voice/Gaster theory and you could interpret it as that yeah! You could totally say that. Personally, I think Mike was Spamtons camera guy for his commercials. Either that or a TV tycoon. Id say Mike will probably be like burgerpants/alphys to spamton Like, a mix of them together I imagine spamton would boss Mike around a lot like, GET THIS SHOT, or NO YOURE DOING IT WRONG But he genuinely considered Mike as a friend, until he was abandoned or stabbed in the back by him (edited) Acid theory Again, this is a maybe! Queens acid DOES shrink and spamton does have dialog you could connect it to (help! It burns! Please!)

You could argue this is a mis interpretation as in the Japanese dialog that line is more about staring into a bright light (the sun probably), if im remembering correctly. The implications of this with the English lines though make me wonder if spamton willingly became this way or if his mind was broken because of what he saw. Considering the dialouge involving that is begging for it to stop.

Spamton and religion Spamton discusses heaven, having communion with the divine and angels a lot. A personal note, but i find this to be one of my favorite parts of him. It’s very interesting Very strange that an inanimate object is aware of the divine, yeah? Spamton is very hung up on the idea of angels. His magic resembles them and his neo form resembles an angel as well. Spamton also prays and talks about having a communion with the divine. He seems to think that the Neo will save him and it has a connection to the divine (the light world?) (Personally I think heaven is our world, and he thought Neo would get him higher than the game, like how flowey thinks the human souls will help him) Thats why I think he just rolls with whatever the player does. I think he's aware kris is being controlled. He sees whatever they do as sort of divine. If he believes kris is being piloted by the angel. He does mention angel a lot in snowgrave, he could be referring to Noelle, or he could be talking to us. Or maybe he thinks all of it is kris. Spamton might just be projecting onto kris and just happens to be right on the money in his assumption that kris is also a puppet. 

Personally, I think spamton is the strongest darkner we've met so far! If you encounter neo, the computer closest to the spam email junk bin (spamton is the whole bin), will blue screen. It does not do that if you dont encounter Neo. Spamton really was strong enough to influence the reality above his own and cause a physical change. What that means in the future, im unsure! We will have to see the other bosses in later chapters

Spamtons appearance In the poster he looks much different He looks more like an addison there, and in the fangamer merch we see that he didn't look like a puppet at all during his big shot era. 

(You could argue the fangamer merch isnt canon, but they did base it off the poster from the wall, which doesn’t look like puppet spamton at all, so I am going to say, it is probably close enough to canon to count)

There are so many questions revolving this How did that happen? Who did that to him? Was it self inflicted? Why a puppet? Some people have brought up the acid theory but instead of shrinking spamton dies and possesses a doll/mannequin. For me, that would explain why mad dummy is a part of Neos theme along with mettatons. I do find it deeply interesting how an electronic being can be a ghost however. Its very...."living" to be able to have a ghost. That implies having a soul. The idea makes me sad though lol. Makes the addison procession after the Neo fight much more like a funeral than it already is.

Pre big shot and big shot Personally I think spamton before everything was just like. A regular dude. He had friends, he did his best, he had big dreams. He just, like his friends said, was very unlucky. He never sold anything and once he got his big break it all crashed down on him leading him to become a broken and homeless man living in a dumpster. Big shot spamton I think he was very much like Mettaton in this era. Everything was about him, everything he sold had his face on it. He was probably very full of himself, but like mettaton, he probably missed his friends a lot. But with him, no one checked up on him or called until it was too late. I really dont like the addisons lol. In undertale, Mettaton has napstablook who calls him to let him know how they feel. With spamton, none of them tried to connect with him, and even afterwards they pretended he didn't exist. Despite how they treated him, he STILL thought of them and wished to see them!!! I honestly think the addisons, any of them, if they had been in the same position as him would have come out even worse. Spamton still thought about his friends, and they only showed up when he was dead. (Hes not dead in the dealmakers, but) Its very brutal abandonment and I can understand spamtons bitterness when he insists he and kris need no one. I will be fair and say, there is probably history we are missing, but from just their own admissions, the addisons aren’t very good friends imo. 

Overall I think spamton is very selfish and opportunistic but he is also strangely sentimental and caring. He is a very beautifully multi faceted character who not only makes black and gray decisions all the time, he makes white ones too. I think everyone that interprets him as a sleazeball is correct and everyone that interprets him as a sad lonely guy who needs a friend is also correct. Both of them are spamton.

Spamton and Mettaton A discussion on his character and his relations to mettaton Spamton i absolutely believe is a mettaton analog He wants to be in a new body, he was an entertainer, he has friends who he is now estranged from all like mettaton Id say spamton even personality wise is very close to mettaton Id say both of them are morally grey, absolutely so before they meet the human (pacifist) You might be wondering why im saying mettaton is gray as well, well there's a good reason In one of the neutral endings, mettaton becomes ruler and he straight up has dissenters to his rule killed or jailed And he is quite verbally abusive to burgerpants Hes not a perfect angel at all, but that makes him fun I bring up mettatons wrongs in the neutral route bc I believe ultimately its our decisions that change how both characters look at life.

We are a force of the universe, we literally shape the rules. We either show that kindness and patience can win out, or that in this world its kill or be killed. Both characters understand and operate by the latter to a degree. With mettaton he is completely fine with dangerous things on his show (even tho its all just for show) and being a despot dictator when he finds himself in that position.He’s only the friendly robot host in pacifist/less murdery neutral routes.

Spamton seems to believe that he can only get what he wants by scamming. He thinks that nothing is given for free or done out of the kindness of one's heart. After all, we are helping him because he promised us the sought after [hyperlink blocked]. He understands hes scamming, but to him, its just the way the world works. When we go snowgrave we show to spamton that he was right to think that he can only rely on himself and he should only be trying to uplift himself. He sides with us simply because he can see money to be made! He sees us as a way to get to his goal, so there is absolutely no character growth for him in snowgrave. I could argue he slides even further down, bc in his final speech its mostly just a hate filled breakdown directed at himself.

In pacifist, we show spamton that its not all about scamming others. Even though he fell hard from the last string being cut, he seems to still believe what he said. He knows he can't be free, but he's going to do the self less thing and help someone else despite his wish to be free. Thats very big character growth for him. I would say pre neo and post neo spamton are almost entirely different characters to us. Same as how enemy and friend undyne are different. Pre Neo, spamton is very manic, always focused on himself. Hes always saying nows your chance, but he obviously means nows MY chance. All of his deals benefit him. He very clearly wants help, but he has no idea how to get it without manipulating others. He just doesn't see anyone engaging with him unless he has something for them to "win".

Post Neo spamton i would say realized that he doesn't have to scam people. Before he fell he was going to turn over a whole new leaf. And I think he genuinely meant it, because after he crashed down and it turns out he wasn't free after all, he still offered himself to help save someone else. Despite wanting to pursue his freedom, the lesson that not everything has to be a deal stuck with him. So him giving himself up, no deals attached, was his big character growth moment. Hes also still a silly guy, as shown when the pocket is full. I very deeply hope he comes out of the pocket someday. I imagine he would still be very silly, but also a bit more reserved. He would probably make very little or just more honest deals. They may still be just him selling garbage, but he wouldn't be making them to manipulate others into making him god.

#spamton #deltarune

[donutbf]

ooh new blog, hi donut!! i love ur writing so far. having c!dream brain rot atm... maybe when dream breaks out of prison he visits reader and it’s just nice “i missed you” sex,,, headfull

also, 💌 anon perhaps ?

ahhhh, tysm! glad you enjoy it and its rlly nice than you decided to let me know what you think about my writing! <3

and like actually 80-90% of my simping is solely for c!dream so i gotta say, BIIIIIIG fucken same. the c!dream brain rot is deep and real. he’s godawful and i love him deeply. i watch him fuck things up im like <3 <3 <3 cute voice go brrrrrr

anyways there were a few different directions i could imagine for this scenario... 

like, either him roughly taking out all his pent-up frustrations on you, him being incredibly touchstarved all whiny and submissive - happy with anything you’ll give him, or it being uncharacteristically tender and loving.

you said ‘nice’ so i’m going w/ the third one. sorry if im barking up the wrong tree here!

edit: i wrote that intro before i wrote the piece itself and i meant for it to be tender and loving but its more like tender and angsty im-

oh! and psst- that emoji is so cute. great choice. you can indeed be 💌 anon! <3

(long NSFW elaboration under the cut. i uh. really went buck-fuckin-wild here. oh my god......)

sometimes people wonder whether or not there’s a person behind that smile.

that mask he’s never seen without. represented by a smile. a mockery of any true expression of joy.

he’s done so many awful things. he’s hurt people. badly. it’s what landed him in that godforsaken prison in the first place. everywhere he goes, he leaves behind an indelible scar.

they could call him a god, or a man with the makings of the devil - or a million other names that lie in between - but you know better.

you know him.

there is a living, breathing human behind that mask and you know him well. you know him with your hands and your lips and your tongue. you know his breath and you’d know him without sight.

you’d know him to the ends of the earth.

so when you find him on your doorstep in the middle of the night - hazy in the moonlight - a part of you distantly wonders if you’re still asleep. but the other part just knows. there’s no mistake. he’s here. 

your dream has come back to you, the way he always swore he would.

you’re not an idiot. you love him, but you could never believe blindly in him. you saw what he did. what he’s done. to agree with all of it... that’d make you naïve at best, a wild fanatic at worst.

even before all of… this, you had differing stances. your faith in him was always balanced. 

this is one thing you never doubted from this stubborn, broken fool before you. 

he’d always come back to you.

you reach out a hand towards him. you want to cradle his face, to make sure that he’s actually here in the flesh - because it doesn’t seem quite real yet - and he flinches reflexively. at this, your heart drops into the pit of your stomach. still, he lets you touch him.

ushering him inside, quickly, quickly, to the privacy of the house, you’re thankful for the isolation of your home and the solitude of the night. if anybody saw you right now, housing him… it just doesn’t bear thinking about.

“dream,” you murmur. you have so much you need to talk about, but right now, nothing else has to be said.

your thumb brushes against a new crack in the surface of his ever-smiling mask, almost split in two now.

he’s not smiling.

fingertips trace every bump and divot you know so well, before slowly taking it off and discarding it on the table behind you.

he looks like fucking hell. you’ve certainly known him to get into scrapes and fights, and even yelled at him for his carelessness before,,, but this? this is something else entirely.

it’s the result of weeks upon weeks of senseless beatings - underfed and unhealing - never given the time or space to regen.

you want to touch him all over, to hold him together in your hands like some fragile thing, but you’re so, so afraid that he might’ve already broken.

neither of you have even attempted to breach the silence yet.

you lead him by the hand to the bed. for rest, is what you think, but he stoops down to tuck his face into neck and inhales, deeply, his hands creeping lower down the front of your body. 

he breaks the silence first, deftly trading it for the quiet instead.

“please let me feel you...” his voice is barely a whisper, the sound a cracked, hoarse thing.

to touch another person kindly, after so long spent alone and in pain. to know that you’re still here, and that you haven’t left me. because i love you.

so many reasons and they all go unsaid.

still, you understand him.

clothes are peeled off and bodies are re-explored after so much time spent apart. his bare body’s on display in front of you, all long limbs and pale skin. what was previously smooth and soft now lays dry and cracked - marred with injury - before you.

his eyes won't meet yours. it's something he’s never done before in bed with you. another newly ingrained habit, like the flinch. 

you wonder if he’s ashamed right now; if he feels ugly before you, even. he wouldn’t care how he looks to anybody else, but it’s you. and that matters to him. (and the force of just how MUCH it matters terrifies him.)

malnourished and beaten half to death, you still couldn’t find him anything other than beautiful.

cupping his cheeks, you gently tilt his face up to yours, meeting his lips in a slow kiss. every movement of your lips against his is lazy but deliberate.

you touch him as gently as you can, trying to avoid brushing against the myriad of bruises peppering his skin, and cuts both old and new.

even with your efforts, at times you catch him slightly pained - when a touch makes him twitch and wince, sucking in a shallow breath behind gritted teeth.

though he tries his best to hide this - the same way he does in battle, to gain the upper hand - even he knows that he can't hide anything from you.

he preps you but you don't take as long as you maybe should. your movements may be slow and cautious, but you’re both desperate for each other, completely ravenous to feel each other. 

you sink down onto him and bite your lip at the feeling of him stuffing you full, stretching you open. god, its been so long.

and apparently, being inside you is what finally breaks the dam. he starts to cry, loudly. 

burning hot tears roll down his cheeks and his face goes ruddy with emotion as he starts to talk. his hips never stop pounding up into you.

the pace he sets is erratic, his thrusts stuttering much more than you’ve ever had with him before - the man you’ve always known to be so deliberate and ever in control - but it's all excusable. everything is so different now. what even is the new usual?

“god, i missed you so much. i sat in that cell and- and all i could think about was you. i felt like i was going insane, maybe i have- i thought you’d move on, that you’d leave me. fuck. fuck! i’m so fucked, i’m a mess, i’m bad, i don’t deserve you, i- i...” 

and he keeps going. he sounds like raw, jagged edges torn in two, his breaths hitching and his voice cracking open on almost every syllable. 

eventually the open sobs devolve into silent tears and the mindless, shaky repetition of your name. 

he holds your name in his mouth like its a precious thing, a word he doesn't deserve to say but chooses to say anyway.

he says it twenty times, thirty times, until it doesn't even sound like a word anymore. your name is on his lips when he cums.

physically sated and emotionally drained, you both sink into the bed together. all you can do is hold each other tight and try not to think about the magnitude of what you’ve done, and what tomorrow could possibly bring.

whatever happens - heaven or hell - at least you’ve had tonight. 

that will have to be enough.

#18+ #smut #drm #fanfic #fanfiction #dreamwastaken smut #dream x reader #dsmp x reader smut #mcyt x reader smut #dream smp x you #dream smp x reader #dream smp x y/n #dsmp x reader #💌 anon #i dont even know what this is #ask to tag #Anonymous

[bratz-kitten]

if you ever need proof that astrology is real.... my brother is a leo mercury. here’s a few fun facts about his communication style:

• he passionately discusses his point of view in a heated debate, talks in a way so fierce that suddenly everyone is shutting up to hear what he has to say. at the peak of the discussion, he drops an impossibly dramatic one-liner and leaves the room, shuts the door behind him in the most dramatic way possible and we are all left in a room silent with the tension he built. no one knows how to breathe for a second

• and when i say he has a knack for exiting discussions in the most theatrical way possible..... i mean that he does this CONSTANTLY. like this piece of shit cannot have a discussion without it ending up in him shutting a door behind him in a loud manner. im convinced he does this shit just to prove His Point

• he ALWAYS COMES BACK TO THE ROOM TWO MINUTES AFTER HIS DRAMATIC EXIT. he literally uses that gesture as a way to make sure his words are impactful and mark everyone and then, when the tension dissipates, he comes back and acts like nothing happened

• we constantly have fights about his ego, and he never once denies it. he’s like Yeah im arrogant but also deal with it

• he’s dumb loyal. no matter what me and my mother are fighting about, he will always, always insert himself in the conversation and defend me until his last breath. and he’s like this towards everything he cares about. if he likes an album, he won’t shut up about it until e everyone has listened to the album. if he has an opinion, he spends hours defending it. he doesn’t know the meaning of giving up

• i’m the only one who can tell when he’s lying, and i honestly feel bad for everyone who isn’t able to see past his bullshit because he’s a good liar. he exaggerates the fuck out of his stories, tells blatant lies that he swears are Scientific Facts, could (and would) probably bullshit his way into persuading a cheese-seller into believing cheese is a conspiracy theory

• you know when the donkey in shrek is travelling with him to far far away and he’s like “are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?” the whole trip? that’s my brother on the daily basis. i can count with my fingers the times when i’ve seen him low on energy, because this piece of shit is always acting like a hyper toddler

• his existence is anything but quiet. im not talking about words.... just the way he exists in general. he never wears headphones to listen to music when inside the house, he just grabs his column and blasts music at the higher volume until everyone is complaining. he starts singing when the house is silent. when he enters a room, you know, not just because of his energy but because he insists in saying hi to everyone. individually. his existence is just so loud and flamboyant and unapologetic

• would kill for me, would never share the middle part of the toast with me though

• very expressive expressions, if you do something he disapproves of you’ll know IMMEDIATELY by the look of disgust on his face

• the way he speaks is just so expressive in general. big adjectives, big opinions; i wonder if he feels casually about anything – because, name a subject and he feels strongly about it; he can and will debate you on why he’s right. his perspective of seeing life is like a matter of life or death to him.

• his debatably worst flaw is that he’s oftentimes unable to see things from others’ perspectives. he has the worst time with compromising and instead of learning from others when they express an opinion different to his, he retreats into his stubbornness and tries to convince them of why he’s right

• gives constant pep talks and advice.... that he most definitely DOESN’T preach. “do what i say, not what i do” kind of thing. he just really loves telling others they should fix their lives when his is an absolute mess

• “take a picture of me. no not like that, in this angle. i want the sunset hitting my face. how should i pose? make sure i look tall. should i smile or look intimidating?” i take 100 pictures of him, he likes one of them and posts it everywhere. after that i find him repeatedly observing said picture (which he posts with an awfully inspiring caption, by the way) and asking me how it looks every damn time.

• knows how to control the tone of his voice in a way that gets everyone listening to him, it’s a very instinctive talent that he has

• jack of all trades, master of none. LMFAO i swear he’s tried everything at least once; he’s gotten invested in songwriting, drawing, design, gaming, hacking, politics, criminology, physics and mathematics, composing. but he gets bored of shit really fast so it’s hard for him to pursue things for more than a month. but it’s so easy for him to get emotionally involved in things, he sees the potential in everything so once something draws his attention he’ll focus on it 100%

#leo mercury #astrology #leo