a-j-s-the-only

[a-j-s-the-only]

the color sp i l l i n g out

the numb

the constant

the company of pain

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[a-j-s-the-only]

The noises became loud

to force me to be quite

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[a-j-s-the-only]

I‘m no longer hurt by the things you said to me, but the way you saw your opening and got out stays with me. It was easy for you. So convenient to flee whenI wasn't looking. I was too busy rearranging my memories in my head, too caught up changing up conversations so they would have a better ending. Words said in anger lose their sting over the years, and yet every single one left its mark. Another nick in the flesh, another brushstroke added to the mural of our past. Sometimes my fingers brush over the places you touched and I remember how it felt when your knife split my skin. It's all right, I tell myself. It's all right to no longer want to see my scars and view them as landmarks of the town we built together. You weren't the first person I'd loved and lost but it still took me by surprise when your face that used to feel like a road map for me turned into no-man's-land. The tells I'd memorised over the years lost their meaning. While I used to read your mood by the tilt of your chin, I see nothing when I look at you now. Empty eyes and a mouth that speaks a language I became rusty in. I wonder when it changed. When the car drove right off the road. By now it doesn't matter. It only matters that it did.

landmarks of our town / n.j.

[a-j-s-the-only]

I can hear the pity in your voice,

I see it in your eyes,

it just doesn’t go away.

I am not some kicked puppy.

So show me pride that I am yours,

and show me respect for what I’ve endured.

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[a-j-s-the-only]

the color

how can something so freeing become so captive

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[a-j-s-the-only]

but till then

maybe

just maybe

I will be ok

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[a-j-s-the-only]

That sounds like a place your mind can calm and your heart can rest

when im at your house,

the love is so overwhelming

i want to cry.

it feels easy to laugh,

even easier when you do.

every time i step through the door

it feels like a big hug.

im surrounded by your love,

even when you aren't there.

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[a-j-s-the-only]

I wonder what you will think

when you see the white lines

on my hips on my arms

in my mind in my heart

will you cradle me gently

or say I’m dramatic

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[a-j-s-the-only]

but if it makes a difference,

or even none.

your darkness, your innocence,

I love it all.

forever, even after it’s done.

when you rise, when you fall,

I love you.

you hate me

but its okay

because

i hate me too.

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[a-j-s-the-only]

i want you to love me

with your whole heart,

promising never to flee.

treat me like a work of art,

don’t ever let me go.

i’ve always been hiding somewhere

between the light and shadow.

pull me out of the darkness,

hold me like packed snow.

don’t let me see the bleakness,

not ever again.

[a-j-s-the-only]

”forgive and forget”

fuck that

I’m going to “learn and protect”

learn what I can do in the future

protect those who don’t know

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[a-j-s-the-only]

“But my brain yells at my heart,

saying, ‘don’t embarrass yourself.’”

what a raw line.

i just want to curl up in your chest

and hug you and cry and laugh

because i feel every thing so deeply.

but my brain yells at my heart,

saying, "don't embarrass yourself."

its hard to express anything,

even worse when it's so strong

and it weighs on your chest.

i know you would understand

but i can't explain it.

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[a-j-s-the-only]

be careful

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[a-j-s-the-only]

what you did to me is unforgivable

so I will not forgive it

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[a-j-s-the-only]

I’m tired of your nonsense

just shut the fuck up

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[a-j-s-the-only]

Is it rude I want you to apologize?

just so I can reject it?

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[a-j-s-the-only]

I never realized I was in a cage until I experienced freedom

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