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james potter x deatheater!black!f!reader
warnings: language, angst, they just wont listen to each other (stupid mfs) lmk if i missed any
english is not my first language
constructive criticism is appreciated
summary: sometimes keeping the truth to yourself can save your tears.
word count: 1,1k
a/n: this is my first fanfic ever so i hope i didnt fuk up too bad lmao, possibly part two (??)
â
ââŠand then siriu- are you even listening to me?âyour boyfriend was rambling about his day for about fifteen minutes and you werenât listening. you couldnât. not when you were keeping such a awful secret from him. your conscience and heart were telling you to let him know as soon as possible and let him decide. but then the thought of his reaction, his heartbroken expression, the grief in his eyes, soreness painted all over his handsome face and stinging pain he wouldâve felt was enough for you to know what was going to happen.
âmerlin, stop being such a baby, i donât give a shit about your stupid pranks. shut up already and go bother someone else.â you snapped.
if you didnât want him to love a monster, you had to make him hate you.
âw-what?â he wasnât sure if he heard you right. why were you so mean? did he do something? or maybe you were right? he should stop telling you every smallest detail about his life.
âyou heard me. leave me alone iâm sick of this. iâm sick of you.â
judging by his expression he wasnât going anywhere due to the shock he felt, so you decided to be the one who leaves.
â
âhave you told him about it already?â your brother, regulus, asked. both of you had to give up your dreams and live up to your parents expectations. you could not do anything against their will, because of the consequences that you would have to deal with. why werenât you more like your other brother, sirius? why couldnât you be rebellious just like him? you were a coward.
thereâs really no way of winning, if in your own eyes, you donât deserve it.
âno.â
âwell, are you going to do that?â
âdo i even have a choice?â you asked, even though you already knew the answer. âyou know what?â you were met with his questioning face. âiâll tell him right now.â
he couldnât say anything else as he was met with black smoke and you were gone.
â
teleporting to prefects bathroom you sent your animagus, which represented a black cat, to james with a message saying meet me in our bathroom.
soon after you were met with a sound of running footsteps from behind the door. when james barged in, all of your confidence was gone. but it was not you who was important. it was him and his safety.
after a few moments in silence you decided to do what you had to do. âi have to show you something, but please, let me explain before you judge me. â to say he was confused was a understatement. maybe, just maybe, in the back of his head he knew what was going to happen. but right now he didnât really think about it.
âlove, i could never judge or hate you, just please, show me. iâll understand.â oh how wrong he was you thought.
pulling up your left sleeve, an ugly, dark mark was visible. you turned your head to the side, because you knew you wouldnât be able to stand a look on your loverâs face. when he didnât say anything, you dared to look at him. and it was a mistake. the way he looked at your arm was so hurtful to both of you that you couldnât stand the tension in the room anymore.
âi-i didnât want i-â you were cut off by his words.
âno, no, you didnât. y-you couldnât, you wouldnât be abl- oh merlin, why? why y/n?â
âjames, let me explain, please! i never wanted it. iâm sorry for the way i was treating you lately. i just- i thought that if i was going to make you hate me, it would be easier, i-â
âthereâs no need to.â
âw-what do you mean?â you asked, trying to stay calm but your own body betrayed you.
âbecause i already do. â
his words cut like a knife. you could literally hear your blood running in your ears. jamesâ cold expression sending shivers down your spine.
âyou donât mean that. i can help us! canât you see what iâm doing? what am i sacrificing? for you! just so you can be happy! iâm doi-â
âcanât you see what youâre doing to me?â the way his voice broke was your last straw. you vanished just like a coward. the coward, the snake you truly were.
â
âthatâs not fair! thatâs notâŠnot fairâŠâ quiet sobs were heard from the prefects bathroom when sirius passed by the door. he was walking around the hallways, searching for his best friend. worried for him, he gently knocked on the door.
âprongsâŠhey, are you there? you okay?â the eldest black brother asked worried. he has never seen james in such state, he wasnât the type of person to be open with his negative feelings.
the sobs quieted and water splashing on the cold sink was heard. now, sirius was siriusly worried. what had to happen to make james so miserable? he was always the sun in their friend group. whenever someone was in a bad mood, james was always first one to be there for them and lighten up their mood. so sirius was going to be a james for james.
âalright, iâm coming in!â
âthey are all the same.â
âwhat the hell happened?â
â
you were sitting on the astronomy tower, feet hanging over the barrier, cigarette in your right hand. there wasnât anything going through your mind right now. your head was totally empty, you just couldnât bring yourself to think about anything else thanâŠexactly. every time you wanted to keep your mind busy, it lead to thinking about the mess in your life. you were only sixteen. how come your life was so bad already? what did you do to deserve it? you had no idea. everything went downhill so quic-
ây/n? y/n/n is that you?â you heard a familiar a voice followed by footsteps from behind your back. âhey, is that you? did you tell jam- whoa, what happened?â he asked even though he already knew what was going on.
you smiled, but your smile wasnât the happy one. âwell, long story short, everything is fucked up. but yâknow what? i canât blame him. i mean- i wouldnât react any better, if i found out that my boyfriend is on the opposite side of the war.â regulus sat right next to you and put his hand on your shoulder in reassurance.
âoh y/n/n, iâm so sorry.â
âitâs not your faultâ
âi know, but i still am.â
the siblings sat in silence, watching the stars and chasing answers to their questions, that were never to be answered.
â
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