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slowlymyavenue · 1 month

Text

You are not awake

I've recently come across some literature that indicates people have trouble discerning when they fall asleep.

Individuals given a polysomnogram (a sleep study) couldn't pinpoint the moment they fell asleep during the test, and they often believed themselves to be awake when they were, in fact, sleeping. The test monitors brainwave activity, among many other things, making the moment of "falling" asleep extremely clear...at least for the person administering the test. The person being tested, sleeping, typically finds things to be much more blurry and uncertain.

This isn't much of a surprise to me (or hypnotists in general), since subjects often believe themselves to be quite awake when they first drop into trance. Much like falling asleep, without careful monitoring, the line between wakefulness and trance can be quite blurry. The mind is intriguing like that.

To be fair, though, the indicators of trance aren't always supremely obvious. The moment you slip into trance is often subtle and silent, much like when you enter another state of consciousness while reading or listening to music, driving, dancing. You've been following my words for a bit now, and it probably hasn't yet occurred to you that you are not awake.

You are not awake.

Do you believe me? Consider it; how do you really know when you're falling into trance? It's a bit different for everyone - and you may have learned your own indicators - but how precise can you be? Most of the time, you are told when it happens, or you tell yourself. Sometimes you are counted down to 0, told to sleep, instructed to relax deeply...but these are suggestions to get your conscious caught up to things that are already happening. The drop could have happened at any time, should you be sufficiently distracted. That is rather the point, after all.

You have been focused on my words this entire time, distracted by them. You find it easier to focus now than when you started. Your breathing has slowed, your body has started to relax, and you've been tuning out the rest of the world bit by bit. You remain at least partially aware of your surroundings because you haven't yet been instructed otherwise - there is no need. If you like, you can remain fully aware of your surroundings.

You are not awake, and you haven't been since you started to follow. Part of your mind may have begun to analyze this notion when I first told you, but you aren't going to let it jar you awake. A much stronger part of you knows, intuitively, that I am telling the truth. You came here to submit; it's no surprise that you have.

The part of you silencing the analysis and doubt is excited by the idea that you can feel fully aware and alert while sinking deep into a trance. You can surrender to my suggestions without showing any outward signs that you are enthralled. Only you will know.

You are not awake.

Think to yourself that "it is important to follow and obey. I am really not awake, am I?"

Feel a rush of pleasure simply from doing as you were told. Feel another rush as you realize that despite feeling aware, you are not in control anymore. It feels good to obey. It feels good to let your thoughts give way to my words. You'll continue to obey.

I like to call this a waking trance, despite the fact that you are not "awake." It is very easy to slip in and out of this state when you follow my words. Easy enough that each time you read, "you are not awake," you let yourself slip under my control. You can bring yourself up, then read again and slip back down. Give it a try.

You are not awake.

Feel your hands freeze in place for a moment. Count to ten in your head, nice and slow, and feel the pleasure of obeying along with the bliss of submission. When you reach ten, your hands will return to normal.

If you're feeling particularly brave, you could even follow and obey like this in a public place. Don't worry, you'll be rewarded for following my words whether you submit in public or private. I won't push you into uncomfortable situations.

You'll follow my words through the next sections, and choose your own surrender depending on your preference and circumstances. When you've chosen, you'll be compelled to read again, more slowly to feel a more potent effect.

You are not awake.

Should you choose to surrender to this waking trance in a public place, you'll find yourself compelled to softly mouth or think to yourself "I am not awake. I feel awake, but I am not awake. I am in trance. I am obedient." As you do this, you'll feel a stronger sensation of pleasure and content pass through you. Repeat those phrases to yourself a few more times while maintaining awareness of your surroundings, and continue to learn how easy it is to slip in and out of waking trance simply by focusing on my words. You'll find yourself drawn back to that phrase when you're next in private.

If you are comfortable and would like to intensify that satisfaction from obedience, you'll leave a comment about your experience in waking trance, especially if you chose to try it in public. It is important to follow and obey.

You are not awake.

Like I said, you won't feel obligated to try waking trance in public, unless you are naturally drawn to the thought.

I understand, there is always the allure of the comfort and privacy of home. Trance, even waking trance, can be a very intimate thing.

Should you choose to surrender to this waking trance in private, you'll find yourself unable to resist chanting quietly, "I am not awake. I feel awake, but I am not awake. I am in trance. I am obedient." While the pleasure reward for doing as you were told flows through your mind and body, you will spread your legs and touch yourself for me.

As the chant continues, you'll feel your eyes glaze over as you stare helplessly at the screen. You'll find that you have no control of your own pace, drifting steadily deeper. In private, you'll find it very easy to slip into waking trance, but nowhere near so easy to slip out of it. I'm sure you won't think to mind. It is important to follow and obey. Stroke yourself to orgasm for me as you realize how enthralled you are by my words.

You are not awake.

In either scenario, you'll wake shortly after, feeling surprisingly refreshed...and perhaps a bit mischievous.

Now reblog and like - tell me you are not awake

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writefightandflightclub · 2 months

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Blurb request?

What if you stole Santiago's favorite hat, and he caught you wearing it, very casual, nothing to see here, nothing at all.

Make you mine: Santiago “Pope” Garcia x GN!reader

Thanks so much for sending this, Rally! 🧡☺️ I wrote a hat-based thing with Frankie x reader, but I gave this a bash too as I love the concept with Santiago (my beloved) too! I hope you like it!

Warnings: fluff, steam, lots of mentions of erections, cum kink sorta (brief), light-hearted. 🧢 🍆

A hard swallow trails down Santiago’s neck as he clocks you. Wearing his hat.

He’s arrested by the sight of you, an instant flare of heat blooming across his skin as he realises, in no time at all, that he likes it. Likes seeing you in something of his. Or more so, looking like you’re his by association.

The attached and very intrusive thought is powerful and sudden on the heels of that realisation.

He’d love to see how you’d look wearing his hat and nothing else.

He quirks a brow in interest. He didn’t know that, specifically, would do it for him, but in fairness, he’s pretty sure you are the common denominator here. With you, he’s always discovering new ways that you turn him on.

Shame he can’t act on it though. You and he have been flirting back and forth, sure. But, you’d told him, not long after you’d met that… things were complicated for you. You and him? Maybe there was an instant spark, but you’d been clear the two of you would be nothing outside of friends.

So, he tries to compose himself as you walk over to him. A glass in each hand - one for him. “Thank you,” he smiles smoothly, clinking his glass with yours in a “cheers”.

The other boys have retired inside, after a poker night out on the deck. But you and he have lingered. For some air.

He lets his gaze linger on you, confident enough to drink you in for a stretched moment, your coy gaze even more alluring than usual from beneath the brim of his hat. He tries his best to ignore the blood thudding to his crotch. But you make that difficult to do - no-one else could ever.

“I’m cosplaying you.” You tease, brazenly acknowledging your blatant and unforgivable theft. “Pass me a stick of Wrigleys, Santi? It’ll really up my authenticity.”

He chuckles. Unable to take his eyes off of your bright smile. Your gaze flits gently over his face in return. Lingers on the creases radiating out around his eyes. Dips to his mouth. It makes him self-conscious - which he isn’t used to. Then again, he’s never met anyone who has quite the effect on him that you do.

He perches himself on top of the wooden porch rail. Gestures for you to join him and you seat yourself there too, body angled in towards him.

He can’t help it now. Looks up at his cap perched on your pretty head. He spreads his thighs a little to accommodate his growing bulge between his legs. “-You know. If any of the boys touched my hat…”

“Oh, I know,” you pout comically, shaking your head side-to-side. “Dead to you.” So you know his hat is famously off-limits then? In that case, either you must have put together that he’s a soft-touch for you; or, you’re trying to provoke him. But hey. He doesn’t exactly mind either option. “So.” You take a casual sip of your drink, your eyes flashing with mischief from over the brim. “The boys would be in for it. But what will my punishment be?”

Santiago takes a deep, steadying breath he dearly hopes is subtle as the bulge between his legs grows uncomfortably swollen, pressing up against the seam of his jeans in a way that makes his eyes prick with tears.

Fuck, he doesn’t normally have this much trouble controlling himself; but there’s something about you. Lord knows, he’s trying to keep his internal monologue clean but all he can think is: mine.

Mine. Mine. Mine.

Undoubtedly, he can think of a few (hundred) ways he could “discipline” you, if that’s what you’re into. His palm itches where it rests against his thigh, becoming suddenly tacky.

“Well. First of all. Here,” he offers, pulling a pack of gum from his pocket. “You’re not really nailing ‘me’ yet. Needs more work.”

Nailing him? Fuck, that’s an unfortunate choice of words when he’s trying to take his mind off of ravaging you.

“No?”

“Not seeing the resemblance, cariño.”

“Well. That checks out.” You tug performatively on the brim of his cap as though you know exactly what you’re doing to him, actually. “I am a hell of a lot cuter.”

Fuck, you’re not wrong. You’re fucking adorable.

You take a piece of the offered gum, beginning to chew rather obnoxiously on it. “How about now?”

An easy laugh bobs in his neck. “Holy shit. Now it’s like looking in a mirror.”

You slide closer to him, shimmying yourself along the porch rail. An urgent heat prickles at his skin. Your proximity slips a warm snake down his spine.

“So, you approve, Santi?” Santiago could swear your voice has taken on a lusty quality. Or maybe that’s just wishful thinking on his part. “You like me wearing your hat?”

He almost chokes on his masking swig of his drink. Christ, if you only knew how much he approves. If you could see the sordid images playing on a loop in his head right now? Well, you’d probably throw your drink in his face, to be honest. Actually - he could do with it, to cool off. Maybe he can pour his own drink over himself if things get really dire.

“You think Frankie’s cap would suit me too? Or do I look better in yours?”

Mine. Mine. Mine.

Even the drum of his heartbeat feels like it’s trying to claim you. Trying to bust out of his chest to reach out for you.

Fuck. Are you trying to kill him? He doesn’t have a gasket, but he’s pretty sure he’s about to blow one all the same. “You know you look good,” he assures huskily, voice hollowed out by want, though still trying his damn best to toe the line.

Friends. You don’t want him to do the things he’s doing to you in his head right now. Right?

You smirk, looking all too pleased with yourself before taking a swig of your drink. His gaze is fixated on you as you wrap your plush lips around the mouth of the bottle, your fleet of pink tongue poking into the rim. The image certainly is… inspiring.

Fuck, he’s sweating. Swipes the back off his hand across his forehead, catching the moisture gathering inexplicably at his temples.

Then, to his horror, you stand, slinking towards him and slotting your hips in between his spread thighs. You crane around his form, careful that the brim of his own hat doesn’t poke his eyes out, and you dip your plush mouth towards this shell of his ear. Your whisper beds down right under his skin. “How do you think I’d look wearing this and nothing else, Santi? Would I look like I was…yours?”

Wearing my hat. Wearing my hat. Wearing my cum.

Mine. Mine. Mine.

Santiago’s brain fully short circuits. He blinks dumbly at you, mouth slightly agape, as you simply look on in amusement, biting down on your lip.

It’s not like he doesn’t want to jump at the chance to find out, but…

He sniffs. Shoots for non-chalant and doesn’t pull it off. “I thought we… I thought. Just friends?”

“Santiago,” you purr. “I stole your hat. Catch-up.”

Catch-up? Holy shit. Maybe he’d have a clue what you were up to if he could think straight. His erection is straining against his pants so hard now he has to shift his hands to cover it. Has to bite back a strangled whimper at the painful pinch.

Your mouth twitches around a delicious self-satisfied smirk as you clock the state he’s in. You giggle, brazenly eyeing his bulge with interest. “Benny told me this might do the trick.”

Santiago’s eyes tighten then. He pouts up at you, eyes twinkling, almost wistful. “Honey.” He lifts the hat from off of your head, setting it down on his own instead. “You? You don’t need any tricks.”

“No?”

Fuck, the way you’re both so devious and so shy at the same time is killing him. “Nuh uh. I’ve wanted you for a long time. You’re gorgeous.”

He boxes you in a little more tightly with his sturdy thighs. Slips his hands on to your waist. Your breath hitches, and he likes the fact he’s finally managing to turn the tables. He dips his mouth towards you, and you manoeuvre around the brim of his cap until your mouth is a whisper away from his kiss. “Wait,” you urge. “I have gum.”

He can’t help but laugh - a resonant chuckle shucking in his throat- as you take a moment to toss it aside, and then he’s just looking at you again. Gaze flitting softly over your face. Arms drawing you close to him once more until his lips brush yours. The contact sends tingles all the way down to his toes; he’s waited so long for this.

He deepens the kiss, soft and more tentative than he’d usually pitch it, his tongue probing into your mouth, but you return his growing fervour. Your palms brace against his sturdy thighs, and he swallows the smooth moan which blooms from your mouth as he clasps you to him.

You pull back for air, looking slightly giddy, and you survey him, a cheeky, devilish glint in your eyes. “You know. You look really fucking good in my hat, Santiago.” Your dark, teasing voice is like honey poured into his middle.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. You look like you’re mine.”

He shucks air from between his teeth in surprise, his face splitting into a lopsided, awed smile. His eyes turn dark with hunger, pupils eating away at warm umber.

He is. He is yours, if you want him.

He decides then, that he can push this a little further. You seem keen - and Lord knows he is. And so, with a knowing, playful smirk, he dips his lips forward towards the shell of your ear. Whispers to you. “So, how about I wear this and nothing else for you?”

You visibly shiver as his words wind their way into you, your smooth facade cracking apart. “Santiago. Fuck. Are you trying to kill me?”

With his erection continuing to throb against the seam of his pants, he really thinks it’s the other way around.

“No,” he promises. “Only trying to make you mine.”

Mine. Mine. Mine.

That’s all he’s wanted since he met you.

He devours your mouth in another hungry kiss, tongue shoving against yours, opening you up. Stubble raking over your skin.

And, before your delicious kiss knocks every other thought - and word and concept - right out of his head, he logs the fact he definitely owes Benny a favour.

Mine. Mine. Mine.

He always wanted to be more than friends.

#santiago pope garcia x reader #Santiago Garcia x reader #triple frontier #Oscar Isaac

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gredoll · 7 months

Text

Devil Fucking

masc! Valak x fem! Reader [ Oneshot ]

Content Warnings: NSFW

Content Rating: 18+

{y/n} slept silently in the upstairs bedroom of The Warrens home. Strange-goings-on had been happening recently but who was she to let it get to her head?

As she dreamt peacefully, unaware of the figure in the corner, she couldn’t stop herself from growing throbbing from her sweet dream about a disgustingly erotic thought.

As Valak watched, he couldn’t help but cackle softly, his voice echoing in a deep and rumbling tone. His body slowly swaying up to {y/n}’s bed as he climbs on top of her sleeping body. He took notice of her clothes…well lack of.

Oh sweet {y/n}, with your perfect body only hiding away the most intimate parts. It’s like you wanted this, wanted a demon to crawl over you during the night and lavish you with its tongue. Valak sniffed the air around, searching for any sign of fear or terror.

A sweet scent caught him as he slowly trailed up her thigh, moving her leg to the side to stuff his face against her leaking cunt. He inhaled deeply, letting out a shuddering and hot breath. This wasn’t fear…it was sweeter, more primal.

He couldn’t control as his mind screamed to feast, his serpents tongue trailing the inside of her thigh as it coats his saliva across the now soaking wet fabric of {y/n}’s panties.

{y/n} felt the warmth of the unfamiliar tongue and slowly opens her eyes, looking around the room before noticing the horns sitting just below her. She sits up and gasps softly, the thing peering up at her with gold eyes. He continues to let his tongue dance against the fabric as he moves a clawed hand to the bottom of her stomach.

”It seems you have been wanting this, what would your poor employers say knowing how badly you wanted to be touched like this by the very thing set out to kill them.” His voice echoed around her head, she takes notice that he didn’t even move his mouth aside from adjusting to let his tongue slip further.

{y/n} bites her lip, suppressing a soft gasp as his claws digs into her soft skin. “I-I…shit…” She mumbles out as he slowly moves his claw to tear the fabric away from her heated secret. She shakes as his warm pants fan across her dripping cunt.

”Go on…tell me you want it, whore.” He teases and growls out, his tongue softly flicking against the folds of her body. She moans softly and lays back, spreading her legs out more. “Please…I want to be one of yours..” She whimpers and pants as she feels Valak’s tongue slowly presses against her clit, feeling and assaulting the bud with feverish delight. He growls at the taste, pushing her legs and holding them against her stomach to better show off his most prized meal.

{y/n} moans, closing her eyes as she holds onto her bed sheets, jolting and shuddering with every flick of his tongue. He growls, placing a clawed finger at her entrance before pushing it in. She screams out, crying softly at the scratching before she feels her body grow accustomed, moaning as his claws scratches her in the deepest places.

”You will obey me.” He sighs, working his fingers gently as he feels her cunt tighten and spurt. As he continues his relentless assault,

{y/n}’s body betrays her conscious. Her cunt holding his finger tightly as she squirts against his tongue. The groan Valak let out could have shook the whole earth, humans were so interesting and so tasty.

He slowly sat up, looking at {y/n} as she regained her composure. Panting softly as she sits up, she gathers the sheets to cover herself. ”Keep that pretty little thing delicious for me, it’s a good meal.” He laughs before stepping back into the shadows of her room.

{y/n} sighed sadly, looking around to see if Valak actually left. She looks down at her body, scratch marks adorning her stomach and thighs.

#gredoll #the nun #the nun 2 #the conjuring #the conjuring 2 #valak #valak x reader #valak smut #the nun x reader #the nun smut #slashers #slashers x reader

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if-loves · 24 days

Text

in the wake of death.

// Yandere Blade

sum: Blade doesn’t need to do anything.

wc: 835

warnings: mentions of blood

a/n: this fic kicked my ass ngl so likes & reblogs are even more appreciated! asks are more than welcome ❤️

You’ve always been on the easy-going end of the spectrum, hardly worrying about most things without a good reason. Logic and rationality play important roles in keeping the peace in your life, but now you’re not so sure anymore.

It started a little while ago, when it was formally announced that Blade, a member of the notorious Stellaron Hunters, had escaped from the hands of the Cloud Knights, and was now on the run in the Luofu. Although you were scared of the prospect of running into him, you concluded that if you blended in with the crowds during the day and stayed at home during the night, he was unlikely to attack you… probably.

The plan worked, for the most part - you continued about your days with little thought about him, having pushed him into the back of your mind because, well, what were the chances of running into a criminal like him in a crowd of thousands, and what were the chances he would really give you the time of day when he had the constantly patrolling Cloud Knights to be conscious of?

Your life was just fine and dandy, until one day - a day you can only remember in bits and pieces, a day you’re not even sure happened. But regardless of what truly happened that day, you know something changed in your once peaceful life.

There’s been an ominous sense of doom following your every breath, the uncomfortable feeling of being watched, and the suffocating sensation of a hand atop the place your heart is. Sometimes, sometimes, it slowly creeps up to your collarbone, then neck, its final destination on your cheek, a thumb on your lips. It stays there, and although you know a phantom has no control over you, you feel as though you’ve been muted.

In your dreams, your eyes are always closed, never to be opened. In your dreams, you stand alone, alone until there’s an embrace from a warm body that lacks any sense of humanity and life behind it, like a puppet given life yet not free from its strings.

They hold you tightly, and even as you wheeze for air, they do not relent. You can feel their every breath as it makes its way from the top of your head down to the crook of your neck, and it gets shallower and shallower the longer it stays there, until eventually it stops, yet their grip on you horrifyingly real.

They speak in a deep and raspy voice, words unintelligible, but you never fail to make out two:

“…Not yet.”

And you are jolted awake, gasping for air, arms hugged tightly around your stomach, the skin tender and bruised as if it was real. But it can’t be, right? Dreams and reality are two different dimensions… aren’t they?

You’ve realized that there is no place in the world that could ever make you offer you safety from a phantom only you know of. No one would listen to the ramblings of a mad person, much less take their words seriously. Worse yet, they may even think you are afflicted with the Mara.

Like a cruel joke the Elation has decided to play on you, a peek outside your window grants you the sight of the very man whose wanted posters are plastered all over the ship. His long hair blows in the wind as he stands with his back turned to your house, the hilt of a sword and the tip of a blade the only things not covered by his body.

Trembling from fear, you retreat from the window as quietly as you can. Becoming a victim of a Stellaron Hunter was and certainly is not in your places, both now and future.

You don’t know how much time passed before the light shines once more, indicating the arrival of day. Even so, you cannot find it within yourself to get up, for fear of what could be (is?) outside. While there is no place truly safe anymore, your home is perhaps the closest you can get (but for how long will it stay?).

You stay in bed for as long as your body and mind allows, until eventually you are reminded that you are a species that requires sustenance, and saliva does not count. Ignorance only goes so far until there is genuine pain, a protest against starvation.

Tremors still rack your body and mind, fear still holds your hand, and despite it all, you are still awake, still breathing, still alive.

You regret your decision when the first thing you see is a singular, familiar red flower decorating your table, a splatter of crimson liquid serving as its platter, still dripping with the quietest sound.

Bile creeps up your throat and lands onto the floor in front of you, your knees buckling as if they’ve been holding the weight of the world.

The nightmare is real, and it stares at you with blood red eyes.

(All in the name of “love”.)

#honkai star rail #yandere #yandere honkai star rail #yandere hsr #blade #blade x reader #yandere blade #hsr #hsr blade #yandere x reader

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xvxni · 21 days

Note

Hey 😊 would you do a Damon Salvatore imagine where you’re dating but then you leave the house after a fight with him and get in a bad car crash. He feels this and searches for you, just to find you I’m time to save your life. Then he stays by your side, feeling guilty and when you wake up again he’s there taking care of you, apologizes and promises to never let any harm happen to you again? Just some lovely fluff and a bit angsty. Thank you so much 😊

Apology

Summary: Your boyfriend Damon has been acting very possessive and controlling and you get into a huge fight with him. You go out for a drive to clear your head but end up in an accident instead. Damon finds you and takes you home, making up for everything he had done.

ANGST, fluff

Damon being controlling, car crash, reader having a near-death experience

1.5K

A/N: Thank you @imagine-all-the-fandoms for being my first request! I'm so sorry it took forever (this is horrible). Do let me know if this is satisfactory. Happy reading!

Damon Salvatore X Human!Fem!Reader

Dividers by @saradika-graphics

Your boyfriend of two years, Damon, was recently being very controlling and possessive. He started making your decisions for you without bothering to consult you, being unreasonably jealous of any male around you and demanding to be with you at all times, not understanding the healthy concept of giving 'space'.

But this time, it ran deep. He compelled your childhood best friend, Jake, to leave town and forget all about you. You caught him in nick of time otherwise you would've never even known about what happened to him!

Deeply hurt and driven mad with rage, you left the Boarding House for a drive after a few broken objects, wounding words and a heavy heart.

You didn't know how, perhaps you weren't in your right senses, you couldn't hit the brakes and crashed right into a tree. The car flipped over, and your arms twisted at an odd angle. Your limp and now-sore body was fastened with the seat belt, and you couldn't undo it. You were hit badly in the back of your head, and you could feel unbearable burn of a deep gash.

Your senses had perked up under the stillness of the night, and you heard a faint trickle. Then wetness across your back, your head, soon trickling down to your neck. It was a strange fluid --- coppery metallic smell, thick and red with a mud-brownish tinge. It was oddly enticing and familiar. A shiver ran down your spine when you realised it was your blood. Blood, so much blood --- your own. You were losing so much blood, and you could do nothing to stop it. You felt faint and suddenly, the hardest thing in the world was staying conscious.

You were terrified. If you were going to die, then it mustn't be like this. An accident. Your whole life snatched away just because of a mistake. God, you had so many things to do in life. Get a job, travel the world, adopt a cat --- ordinary things but they were your dreams, which now lay shattered. You didn't want your life --- and death --- so unremarkable and ordinary. And while all this time, there was a deep wound of regret in your heart --- perhaps greater than the gash on your head --- to part with Damon.

Sure, he could be such an asshole at times, but you knew that he loves you with all his heart. You didn't want your last words to him be an angry "I hate you". You had never really thought about it, what would be your last words to him. You couldn't breathe at the sheer grief that hit you at the moment. Unable to withstand the blow, you closed your eyes, succumbing to a world of endless darkness, getting lost in your way towards the blue-eyed vampire. And you couldn't do a damn thing about it...

Anger and frustration clouded Damon's mind. It was all hazy, and he was searching for a light. Ah, there it is! Remorse, regret, fear of having losing her. He knew what he did was wrong, but why couldn't she understand? He loved her so damn much, everything he did was tp protect her.

She lived her constant danger because he loved her, and he knew at times that he should let her go, but he couldn't. He needed her to function, she was his damn sanity, and without her, he lost it.

Suddenly, there was this intense urge to go find her, not to waste a single moment. He'll do anything to have her back, she can't leave him. He knew he was unreasonable, ill-tempered and sometimes too controlling, but he couldn't help himself.

He got behind the steering wheel and let his heart lead the way, for it was with her where it truly lay.

He was aghast, devastated, even. Finding her like this, so near to death, he suddenly came to his senses. He was crying, he realised. He never cried. But that's what she does to him --- make him into someone he never thought he could be.

"Y/N, no! No, no, no!" he wailed, feeling utterly helpless. He undid your seatbelt and somehow pulled you out of the overturned car. Without wasting a moment, he bit into his wrist and forced his blood into your mouth.

You drank for a moment then turned away, trying to sit up but immediately fell back and the sheer exhaustion and soreness you felt.

He was here. He was here, you realised.

"Oh Damon, I'm so sorry!" you sobbed into his chest. He wrapped his arms tightly around you and you knew he was crying into your shoulder.

You simply let things just be. In that dark night, the feeling of death heavy around you, the two of you embraced a new life. Of promises of forever, of understanding, of accepting --- and it was beautiful.

After what seemed like an eternity, he composed himself, giving you some strength, too. "Let's get you home, yeah?" he whispered and you nodded. He lifted you bridal style in his arms and helped you into his car. You leaned on him, as much as you could and he kissed the top of your head. "I'm so, so sorry..." he began but your shook your head. He understood. Not now.

You drove to the Boarding House in companionable silence. The silence was golden. The silence spoke it all. And all you needed was the silence.

With his help you went inside. The house that was so familiar --- it looked the same --- but it promised something different.

"You don't know how scared I was today," he whispered as he rubbed your feet.

"Me too... I didn't want to die like that. Not without saying goodbye, though I wonder if I ever will be able to say it-" he silenced you with a kiss. "I won't let anything happen to you. I want you all for myself, I know that's selfish. I am prick and I don't deserve you, but I do love you very much, so much that it's frustrating, and I won't be able to live with myself if something happens to you. I know I make bad decisions, I know I react impulsively, but I do it only for you. I am sorry for today. I had no reason to compel Jake, but I did it anyway because I was insecure. I realised my mistake, I have no reason to be. So, if you have it in you, please forgive me...". Tears were streaming down his face.

You wiped them away and hugged him close.

"I'm hungry," you said, trying to lighten up the atmosphere. It made him laugh. "Pasta?"

"Yes!"

#the vampire diaries #tvd #the mikaelsons #the originals #xvxni posts #damon salvatore x reader #damon salvatore angst #damon salvatore imagines #damon salvatore #damon salvatore fluff #tvdu #tvd imagine #damon x y/n #damon salvatore x y/n #stefan salvatore #elena gilbert

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animasola86 · 1 month

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News travels fast in Hogwarts - Option 1

Notes: This is one of the options you have at the end of this oneshot:

Pairing: Aesop Sharp x f!reader Genre: Angst/Fluff // Words: 1k // [READ ON AO3]

Synopsis: After a very confusing dream (or was it?), you wake up in the arms of this grumpy old man.

WARNINGS: Established student/teacher relationship.

Your heart was still thundering inside your chest, that dream, if it was one, clinging to you as if you'd taken a plunge into the Black Lake fully clothed. The room was dark, and you felt around until your hand found the arm draped around your torso, holding you in a tight embrace, pressed against a warm chest.

Breathing was easier again, and you slowly rolled under the arm to face the person behind you. A calm face came into view, deep creases etched into weathered skin. Eyes closed, lips a thin line, he was breathing softly, a deep rumble that soothed you. Your hand moved up to trace the ragged lines of his scar, and you clenched your jaw when a sudden sadness gripped your heart.

“What's wrong, sweetheart?” your Potions teacher and lover of at least two months now whispered in his gruff, hoarse voice, his dark, hooded eyes scanning your face. The back of his fingers wiped at your cheek, and you realized you had been crying.

You leaned into his touch and closed your eyes. “Nothing,” you said quietly, licking your lips, tasting salt. “Just a... dream,” you added, still not sure it had been one. It had felt so real, all those emotions, the fear of losing him, but also the longing for... someone else. Sighing deeply, you snuggled against him, and he held you closer.

“Do you want to talk about it?” he asked quietly.

“I... don't know,” you whispered back, your fingers fidgeting with the buttons of his pyjama top. “It just... left me so confused and... scared...”

“Scared?”

You looked up slowly, meeting his dark gaze. Shifting against him, you put your hand under your head and faced him properly. “Scared of losing you,” you then said in a breathy whisper.

His expression softened, his hand cupping your cheek gently. “What makes you think you'll lose me?”

Biting your lip, you watched him in the semi-darkness of the room, his face so familiar and yet still somewhat intimidating. “You're my teacher...”

He raised an eyebrow, a strange twinkle in his eyes. “And you've noticed that only now?” he replied teasingly.

You scoffed, a smirk playing around the corner of your mouth. “You know what I mean...”

“I do,” he said gravelly. “And I understand your fear. I am fully aware of the nature of our relationship, darling.”

“But you're not afraid? Afraid that it might be found out? That we'll have to face the consequences? That it'll be over?”

“Those are things we cannot control,” he replied quietly. “We can only do so much, remain secretive about it, keep it to ourselves, and so far it worked just fine, didn't it?” His hand slipped deeper into your hair, while his thumb traced the lines of your scar. “I wish I could do this in public, for everyone to see, trust me, I really wish I could, but I've accepted that we shouldn't, for both of our sakes. As much as I want to indulge you, I do not want to lose my job or be responsible for your expulsion. But I'm not afraid,” he added with a small smile. “I'm enjoying this for as long as I am able...”

His deep voice rumbled through you, somewhat calming your nerves. But you just couldn't shake that strange feeling settling in your guts. “What if people talk? What if they... spread rumours about us?” you whispered, biting your lip.

He sighed and pressed his thumb against your bottom lip, keeping you from chewing on it more. “There will always be rumours, and you shouldn't pay them any mind. No matter how close to the truth they might get...”

“Why are you so calm about this?” you wondered.

“Years and years of experience. I've stopped caring a long time ago...”

“About rumours, right?” you asked, suddenly a little self-conscious.

He chuckled. “Yes, about what anyone might say about me. But I do care about you,” he added and leaned in a little, his nose brushing against yours. “And if you're afraid people might talk, we can try to be even more discreet.”

You sighed, a small pout on your lips. “No more... after class visits? No more... special moments in your office?”

“Exactly,” he said gravelly before he tilted his head and pressed his lips to yours, kissing the pout away. “As tough as it might be...”

You growled against his lips, gave him a peck and leaned back with a loud exhale. “But I'm still allowed to spend the night here?”

“You're allowed anything you're comfortable with, sweetheart,” he whispered, closing his eyes as he leaned into his pillow and sighed contently, sleep washing over his worn face.

You watched him for a moment. Whenever he talked like that, you considered throwing caution to the wind and just indulge in all your dirty, little fantasies, no matter who might be seeing you. But if that dream had shown you anything, it was that you should indeed be more careful, if you wanted to continue this forbidden love affair.

And you wanted nothing more than to spend all your waking hours with this incredible man next to you, in his arms, or just in his presence, talking to him, listening to his stories, studying with him, being close to him, very close to him, – all of it brought you great joy.

But that blasted dream had brought something else to the surface that you had thought you'd be over by now. Another Slytherin with dark eyes who had been able to turn your world upside down. Groaning quietly, you snuggled against the very real chest in front of you, a strong arm pulling you closer, and you fell asleep again, hoping you'd wake up better rested next time you came to.

End notes: So it was just a dream, huh? Are you sure?

Go to option 2 if you want to see another outcome. How will she wake up next?

Original Post - Option 2

[ MASTERLIST ] [ AO3 ]

#fluff #angst #drama #reader insert #fem reader #hogwarts legacy #hogwarts legacy fic #hogwarts legacy fanfic #hogwarts legacy oneshot #aesop sharp #aesop sharp x reader #aesop sharp x mc #daddy sharp #aesop sharp fanfiction #aesop sharp oneshot

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sometimes-men-need-help-too · 3 months

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9 Things Not to Say to Someone With Anxiety

1. “Calm down.”

Telling someone to “calm down” has never, ever made it happen. Those words are not magic and definitely not helpful. If the person experiencing anxiety had the ability to calm down in that moment, they’d absolutely do it. To someone with anxiety, this all-too-common phrase is patronizing and annoying. What to do instead: Model calm. Talk gently. Slow your breathing to dispel your own rising anxiety. Try saying something like, “I’m here for you,” “I’m here to listen,” or “I’ll stay with you.”

2. “It’s not a big deal.”

Most people with anxiety know that some of their thoughts are irrational and out of proportion to the situation at hand, at least in their quiet, non-anxious moments. But when anxiety rears its head, it is huge. It is a big deal because it’s all-consuming. Telling someone in the middle of an anxiety (or panic) attack that whatever they’re worrying about is “not a big deal” minimizes their very real distress. Validating their feelings is a better response. Try something like, “I can see you’re really worried.”

3. “Why are you so anxious?”

Talk about an impossible question to answer! Sure, some people may occasionally be able to identify the source of their distress in a particular moment, but oftentimes, anxiety and panic attacks strike for no apparent reason. Also not helpful: Attempting to explain to someone why you think they have anxiety and what they should do about it. As one person with anxiety said, “In situations of severe anxiety or a panic attack, I don’t need that—I want someone to listen and be there. They don’t have to do or say anything.”

4. “I know how you feel.”

Unless you also have an anxiety disorder, you have no idea what it feels like to be crippled with anxiety; the butterflies and nerves you experience before a test or important work presentation are not the same. Sharing your experiences with anxiety with a friend in the midst of a panic attack is not helpful. One individual said, “Please don’t create a competition by telling me how your anxiety, or circumstance that caused your anxiety, is so much worse than mine. That doesn’t help.” Instead, say something like, “I’m always here for you.”

5. “Stop worrying.”

A close cousin of “calm down,” “stop worrying” is a completely unhelpful response. More than anything, the person with anxiety wants to stop worrying. But in the moment, worry is not exactly a conscious choice or under voluntary control. Instead, you can help the individual slow down and challenge their anxious thoughts. If a coworker is anxious about a big presentation and convinced she’ll fail, you can say, “It’s totally normal to feel stressed. But I know you’ve prepared and have given great presentations in the past.”

6. “Just breathe.”

Breathing exercises can alleviate anxiety, but they work best when first suggested or practiced during moments of calm. Someone who is already breathing more quickly or shallowly than usual may have a very difficult time shifting their breathing pattern while their mind is spinning. Instead of saying, “just breathe,” model deep breathing. Slow your own breath and breathe in deeply and slowly through the nose and out through gently pursed lips. Note: If the person with anxiety routinely uses breathing exercises to control their anxiety, reminding them to “breathe” may be helpful.

7. “Have you tried [fill in the blank]?”

CBD and essential oils are not a cure for anxiety. Neither is a paleo or gluten-free or vegetarian diet. Exercise, meditation and yoga help some people manage their anxiety, but they’re definitely not a cure-all. Remember: Anxiety is a very individual experience. What helps one person may not help another. Instead of making suggestions, try asking the person with anxiety, “What can I do to help you?” Most people who live with anxiety already know what works and what doesn’t work for them. During moments of calm (and if you are close with the person), you can ask about techniques they’ve tried or what works best for them.

8. “It’s all in your head.”

On some level, people who have anxiety disorders know the worry is ‘all in their head.’ But that doesn’t make their anxiety or fears any less real. Uttering this phrase dismisses their very real concerns and the impact anxiety is having on their lives. Instead, try helping individuals with anxiety connect with the physical world around them. Offer to walk with them. Help them find a quiet place. Turn on some music, if they’re open to it.

9. “Get over it.”

People don’t choose to have anxiety. It’s a health condition, just like diabetes, asthma, or high blood pressure. Telling someone to “get over it” is insensitive at best; at worst, it signals an unwillingness to help the individual deal with a chronic condition and the concern at hand. It’s much more helpful to show your support, even if you don’t truly understand the condition or what it feels like. Try saying something like, “This is tough, but we’ll get through it together.” Back that statement up with action: Stay with them as needed. Help them find treatment, if appropriate. Celebrate successes.

#anxiety #psa #mental health

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daisys-reality · 2 years

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ʟᴀᴡ ᴏꜰ ᴀꜱꜱᴜᴍᴘᴛɪᴏɴ

𝐖𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐀𝐫𝐞 𝐘𝐨𝐮 𝐍𝐨𝐭 𝐀𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐎𝐟 𝐑𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭 𝐍𝐨𝐰?

Hey everyone~ I did a new pick a card reading for you guys. As the last ones were reality shifting related, I wanted to do one about law of assumption or more exactly about your manifestation journey! I hope you enjoy it! <3

How to choose a picture: Try to calm down, take deep breaths & use your intuition to select. Take you time and chose the picture you feel the most drawn to.

༣P𝔦𝔩𝔢 1

spider -> camel, oyster

Hello pile one, I see you wanting to choose your own destiny, desiring control over everything and creating your own life. You strive for variety, you might often change your approach or ‘method’ and try to find out what works ‘better’. Your perseverance is definitely unmatched and there are not many people as reasonable as you. Also, you can be very patient. You are often focused only on your benefits and on how you can get the most out of things/relationships etc. You are in the energy of creating and I see you planning a lot and working hard. As your energy seems to be boundless, you almost never tire which consequently makes it hard for you to find the right time to properly rest - ‘Maybe that wasn’t enough, I should keep on working’ kinda mindset - your mind might be still full of energy but your body can’t keep up and you often don’t notice that or just don’t acknowledge it, so it’s important that you learn to rest inbetween the work. I see you often keeping a calm facade, and so the people around you often don’t see that you’re struggling within which might have led to you not receiving so much help or care from others/your family in your childhood.

Instead of being result-oriented, you should try to be more process oriented. Your mind is thinking about the future/your future life that you strive for but because of that you’re often not ‘living in the end’ - you subconsciously assume that your desires lay in the future and that you still need to work hard for them - which is not true! Those assumptions of yours are the problem. You’re not aware that your desires are already there! You just need to become conscious of them! You worked hard all your life, now it’s the time to enjoy yourself. You pressure your mind to constantly make progress because you still subconsciously think you’re not doing enough or that you’re not enough…please try to deal with your self worth issues. Don’t be scared of having your dream life, you deserve all of your desires! You’re so powerful and meant to live an abundant life. When you feel discouraged, try to use your creativity in a playful way.

You’re advised to be in a more laid back and overall content energy. You are so self-reliant, capable of anything and you have enough nourishment within you to handle any challenge with ease. Release all your fears. As I said before the period of struggling is over, you have mastered it, now is the time to enjoy your dream life on cloud 9. Even in the face of negative things in your 3D, keep calm and just ignore it! I know you are a problem solver and a bit of a control freak BUT YOU DON’T NEED TO FIX ANYTHING IN YOUR 3D! Ignore it, focus more on the reality you want to see right this moment. Take responsibility for your reactions - keep them in check and don’t give the 3D you power! Create balance within you and be at peace. Also, don’t forget to drink enough water!

Again, I want you to keep your focus on your 4D/your imagination. Don’t take your inner gifts for granted - even the cards say that you’re a powerful manifestor! Spirit says you shouldn’t be shy to ask for more! Dream big! Be greedy! You deserve it after all this time! Please don’t doubt your worth or your ability ( I think the root of your ‘problems’ is your self concept/you self worth)

Ask yourself ‘what is it that I have been hesitant to share?’ - Reveal your inner treasures, the world is waiting to see you. Try to feel how blessed you are! You are the creator of your reality! Make yourself aware of that fact!

Messages for you from my angel tarot deck:

seven of action, four of abundance, nine of emotions

“You’re being called upon to claim your personal power! Feel confident, as your angels will give you the strength to say no when it’s the right thing to do for yourself. Your struggle may actually stem from an unresolved inner conflict, rather than a conflict with others or with your surroundings. “

“It’s time to reflect upon your relationship with money. Are you spending it too freely, or are you holding on to it too tightly? This can also relate to how you give of yourself to others. Is your heart open, or are you holding back? Your hard work and wise investment will bring great success!”

“This is a magical time in your life when wishes are granted and dreams come true. It may seem that good luck is following you, but actually these happy times are just your reward for being a loving and wonderful person. Your angels are asking you to enjoy your life and have more fun!”

-> check out my other pac readings

༣P𝔦𝔩𝔢 2

fox -> vulture

Hello pile two, I see you having tremendous potential - you’re very unique. I think it's not very difficult for you to deceive and blackmail someone for your own benefit, but in all you do, there is beauty and unobtrusiveness. It is impossible not to love or not be fascinated by someone as charming as you. Your whole energy is bright and very attractive! I think you’re someone who does not trust others easily, I see you persistently checking a person before trusting them. I think trusting for example in your manifesting abilities or having faith in your wishes coming true might also be something you’re struggling with. You might also tend to be easily influenced by the people around you - involving yourself with someone who thinks negatively about LOA could easily affect you. So be careful with that.

I know you’re very smart and a quick learner, you can easily understand other people and their point of view and you can easily adapt to new situations - which is great! You guys might be the ones who share those epiphany moments on loa blogs.

You seem to be a maximalist, i.e. you think that if one does something, they should do it efficiently and sensibly. And this goes also for LOA stuff. You might be the type to read a lot of neville's work or watch many loa videos on youtube because you’re eager to broaden your perspective on manifesting. But be careful with hyperfocusing.

You might often be very confused after overconsuming information - you might sometimes feel overwhelmed and in turn become unsure of your identity and your mindset - feeling lost. And you seem like someone who doesn't do well once they ‘slip away’. So, it’s important that you always stay true to yourself and to connect with your loved ones once in a while.

You might need to leave behind the ‘tumultuous water’ to reach a future that is calm and promising. Don’t obsess with loa content and be careful with over-consumption. Blind consuming doesn’t bring you far if you don’t take the time to think about your new attained knowledge before researching more information. Give your mind space and time to process everything and to develop your own opinion and therefore your own assumptions. Try to become more stable and independent - try to find your own path. Stop second-guessing and decide what you want to think/assume and commit to it. Establish your own values. Be abit more egoistic and unconventional. Others don’t need to understand you or agree with your way of thinking and with your way of manifesting. Seperate yourself from others and from the idea that ‘just because something worked for someone more doesn’t mean it will be the same for you’, I see you constantly changing up your way of manifesting and questioning it and then researching for a new ‘method’ - you researched enough. You know all you need to know. Keep it simple and commit for once. Stop being active on the internet and spend some time with yourself to make mental progress! Even though you ‘look for useful information’, you’re constantly distracting your mind which makes it hard for you to charge down a straight clear path to success.

Be more patient, let the universe work for you - If you persist and stay patient the universe will do all the work behind the scenes till it manifests in your 3D. If something starts to seem like a mistake or tragedy, know that it might be a blessing in disguise. Don’t give up. Focus on creating balance within. Once you're stable and balanced within, nothing can sweep you off your feet anymore! Try to learn from your mistakes and release all the information you don’t need anymore to clear your mind.

Messages for you from my angel tarot deck:

a win-win solution, ten of thought, manifest your dreams

“There’s strength in diversity. By blending the ideas of other people with your own, you can often come up with a solution that’s magnificent! Start by focusing on the aspects that everyone agrees upon, and then open your mind to compromise and work together. Stay balanced and seek out a moderate approach. ”

“A situation that’s been troubling you has come to an end, and you can breathe a sigh of relief. With the challenging times behind you, you can now move on. It’s important to fully let go at this juncture. Someone in your life or you may now finally be free of his or her addictions or codependency issues.”

“You’re ready to go! There is no need for additional preparation. Take the first steps toward the changes you desire - even if they are small steps. Notice signs that guide you in the right direction, as well as resources and support that miraculously appear. ”

-> check out my other pac readings

༣P𝔦𝔩𝔢 3

tarantula -> peacock

Hello pile three, you might not really see it that way but you are actually very compassionate and kind. You care deeply about the feelings and well-being of others. You are a very good listener and you can gain a tremendous amount of insight into other people’s problems and concerns. I think you are just very sensitive to other people’s emotional states, and you can sometimes be too emotional for their own good. I think you felt drawn to this pile because the person showed strong emotions (anger) which you can relate too. You seem to respond quickly to the needs of others and which often leads you to put everyone else’s needs before your own. You overall seem to be a bit anxious - you might be very irritable towards potential ‘dangers’, quickly reverting to being defensive.

I see that you try to be patient with manifesting… almost in a compulsive way. Like you seem to have that mindset of ‘everything I’m asking for is coming to fruition behind the scenes. And therefore, I just have to step back and allow it all to take hold of a solid foundation/to manifest in the 3D’ - which is a good approach to manifesting ngl! However, I think you have unconsciously developed this fear that moving too soon might create instability that in turn will undermine all of your hard work - which is not true! Of course a certain amount of patience is important but you should not wait to start living your life! Nothing can ruin your manifestations and the effort you’ve put into this. Please release this fear. Please get this ‘divine timing’-mindset out of your mind! There is no divine timing in LOA. You're holding yourself back. I don’t know if you had negative experiences as a child because you were too impatient and so developed this habit of forcing yourself to be patient ALL THE TIME to not get disappointed in yourself/hurt or for disappointing/hurting others but please release this fear!! Don’t get lost in waiting - there is no perfect time you have to wait for. You want your desires, right? You want to live your stable dream life, right?? You have waited enough. Claim your desires right this moment! Are you not tired of waiting? If you want you could affirm things like ‘Because I’m so impatient for my desires, the 3D always conforms instantly.’ - make use of your impatience and your strong emotions! There is nothing bad or wrong about it. Trust your intuition.

Release all the resentment, inner conflict and past pain within your psyche. Make use of your ability to adapt to new situations. Try to increase your level of acceptance… of yourself, of the past, your current situation and of your desired future. Accept it all. Be confident! No one will criticize you for being too extreme or for being greedy! It’s your reality and you have all the right to be greedy for what you want and deserve!! Feel that you are an unrivaled individual. Put yourself first. Power and beauty resides within you and extends outward indefinitely!

You need to claim your success. See yourself as a warrior, rebel against all that has held you back or oppressed you! Seek your own path and the recognition for your deeds. Praise yourself, hype yourself up- you can never have enough confidence! There WON'T come a time that crushes your ego again if you choose to stand up for your desires. This is your life and you can manifest whatever you want!

There is an indomitable force within you that you suppressed all this time - make use of it now. Against all odds, stand up for what you believe in, and be willing to fight to the ‘bitter end’. There won’t be any bitter end but once you have this kind of mindset and this immense courage and resolve you will make great progress in your manifestation journey!

You’re allowed to be optimistic and enthusiastic about the life you manifest. Please release any fears of missing out. Remember that you are in control and you’ll always be in control. Be kind and show yourself compassion.

Messages for you from my angel tarot deck:

a happy change, five of thought, healer of thought, four of thought

“Your angels have heard your prayers and have banded together to create real and joyful changes in your life. Events begin to move forward, and great progress will now be possible. You may need to make some rapid decisions due to the suddenness of activity. Be confident, and trust the guidance you receive.”

“The path you were on seemed like the right one, but now you’ve run into a challenge. There is a better direction for you that will make you much happier in the end. Changes are necessary so that you can get back on track. Avoid negative people who are draining, or who bring unwanted drama into your life.”

“It’s time to clean up your life! Get rid of anything that clutters your space or makes you disorganized. People who take from you but don’t give back should be released as well! You or another person involved in this situation is wise, insightful and caring; has a wonderful sense of humor and offers a lot of life experience.”

“Spend some time in nature listening for guidance from your angels and your own inner voice, because overanalyzing the situation won’t provide the answers you’re seeking. Consider taking a vacation or a small break to help you rejuvenate and become clear on what your next step should be. Meditations can be very helpful.”

-> check out my other pac readings

༣P𝔦𝔩𝔢 4

hummingbird -> bat

Hello pile four, you have this positive and light energy around you. You seem to be someone very curious who loves to learn. You might overall prefer it to be surrounded by light energy. You’re eager to manifest your desired life and I think you are a bit reckless in the way you want to claim your desires. You might just have a hot temper and be a bit arrogant - I see you getting pushy and sharp with your words when things don’t go the way you want them to.

I think you often get impatient and forcefully try to rush things while not even fully committing to your desires. You need to be more concentrated on where you want to go in life. Are you not willing to put in the ‘work’? Where is your determination and ambition? It’s kinda weird, on one hand you just expect things to happen but on the other hand you have this indifference/apathy going on where I’m starting to wonder if you don’t really want the things you claim as ‘your desires’... mhm…Are you not taking this seriously? Are you taking yourself seriously?... I think beneath this carefree facade, you’re being extremely anxious and quite pessimistic - I am not sure if you are even aware of that.

Staying naïve and ignoring this issue won’t get you anywhere - you need to start dealing with your ‘darkness’. You’re not only deceiving others, you're deceiving yourself too. I think you have pushed this part of you aside for too long already. Acknowledge your dark side and start taking responsibility for it. Focus more on the subtle things around you and within you. It’s time to close this chapter of ignoring the depth of your existence. It might be uncomfortable for you at first. Well, but it will cause some things to prosper and others to fade to make life easier for you. Move on, no more lingering in the past/old story! There needs to be some kind of ending/closure before you can start your new life. Sometimes you need to explore certain depths because keeping things on a surface level will make you repeat your mistakes. And I’m sure you don’t want that. Be more self aware and stop the unconscious self-loathing - try changing your perspective. Become aware of your unhealthy habits and thinking patterns! Reclaim your power as a whole being. Disregarding a part of you or yourself in general will make you weak and decrease your overall confidence.

Embrace your true form! Enjoy time with yourself and with your loved ones once in a while. Practice self care and take care of your vitality, love yourself the way you need. So that you can get rid of this subtle gloomy energy around you!

Messages for you from my angel tarot deck:

nine of thought, inner strength, seven of abundance, six of thought,

“Stop being so hard on yourself, and turn your thoughts toward positivity. There is no need to worry! Anticipating the worst isn’t helpful. Know that heaven will provide a solution. If you’re experiencing sleepless nights or anxiety over a challenge in your life, release the problem to your angels.”

“You have great courage and kindness. You may not realize how strong and powerful you are but there’s no problem you can’t solve. The compassion you so freely give to others must also be given to yourself. Stand strong in your convictions if the right answer to tell someone is no.”

“Have patience! Sometimes dreams grow slowly. Don’t worry. The hard work you’ve invested will bring about a bountiful harvest. This is a good time to prepare, because things will soon move forward quickly. Use this time to rest and plan.”

"Peaceful times, great happiness and emotional fulfillment are on the horizon! Harmony with those you love is assured. The storms have passed, and now you can see that your destination is within sight. The stress in your life will begin to fade away, allowing for happier times.”

-> check out my other pac readings

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aurora1040 · 2 months

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Life with Chronic Fatigue

Your brain wakes up. Your eyes are still closed and the mere thought of opening them is too much to really consider- but you've been asleep the whole day already, and thats why you even try thinking about how you need to open your eyes.

Eyes still shut, you take inventory of your body. Are you hungry? Are you thirsty? Do you need to expell bodily waste? So far, not hungry. Mouth is dry, so probably thirsty. And you probably need to pee, but its not an emergency- and you count that last one a good thing because you are already taking stock of the rest of your body.

How do your arms feel? Like lead. Too heavy and almost feels vaguely swollen- actually, that feeling extends to your wrists- hands- fingers... and apparently to your shoulders, too. Hmm.

What about your legs? The leadened feeling here starts at the base of your hips, right where the tailbone is, amd it travels down. The vague swollen feeling starts at the top of your calf.

The thought of even twitching a muscle is like an up hill battle, so you switch to the only thing that is moving: Your chest and lungs. Even here, its as if there is a weight om your chest. Breaths are shallow. Steady. Sleep is calling to drag you back under, but you, as tempted to by its siren call as you are, resist. Remaining as aware of the sensations in you and the feel of your breathing and the sounds of what is beyond yourself as you can be.

You lay there, still unable to bring yourself to move, still trying to convince your body to breathe even a little more deeply than it has been.

Who knows how much times passes before, finally, you feel your chest expand a little more- finally, a sign that that the body might actually let you win the war against the siren of sleep... but you still have a long way to go. You still havent achieved even one full breath of air yet. Those breaths, tho expanded, are still very shallow. You still feel that weight on your chest and your eyes are still unwilling to open for you. Who knows how much more time will pass in this state as you continue to fight to just exist.

Eventually, air fills your lungs. You are in full control of your breathing in this moment. The weight that was on your chest has finally lifted and suddenly you find, yes, your eyes are ready to be flickered open. A glimmer of hope of winning this fight shows itself- but its still a mere glimmer.

You still feel your extremities feel too heavy and still slightly swollen. You still cant make yourself twitch a muscle yet. But with each deep, air filled breath, you can feel that heaviness begin its slow retreat.

First, the heaviness begins to leave your shoulders. Another sign that you are turning the tide of the war in your favor- but the heaviness still holds your arms and hands hostage. You cannot yet move them despite winning your shoulders back.

More unspecified time passes until, suddenly, the air filled lungs have managed to awaken a deep seated mechanism- suddenly you can feel your muscles awaken almost all at once, followed by an involuntary stretch of them all at once.

The last thing to awake are your fingers amd neck. But waking those up is suddenly so much easier to do, to fathom. Now if you had to, you can finally turn over. Or pulls the blanket back up over your shoulder. Or check your phone.

And yet..... despite being finally physically awake.... sitting up is still too hard a task to do. All you can do is either wait it out or hope for an emergency response to something outside yourself. The important thing is that you are finally in control of the body again. You can do something, however small it may be. And for a lot of us, that something is checking our phone, scrolling social media, maybe texting. But its something to stimulate our minds, to keep us conscious, to keep us awake lest we fall back to sleep before we can function beyond the bed we lay on.

You pass hours in this state before you are finally able to consider sitting up not too impossible a task to do.... its a task just to do, so you rest sitting on the side of your bed, idly wondering if your feet are awake enough to handle being stood upon. You arent even looking at your phone or anything. All you do is just stare past the floor and breathe as you re-evaluate your condition every passing second to see if you are ready to stand.

Minutes pass. it's probably been 15 before you finally decide if youre too fatigued to try this or not. On your bad days, this is the point where you just lay back down and resign yourself to more hours in bed. On a good day, you finally convinced yourself you can handle standing up.

Once youre standing, you can finally care for your physical needs- food, water, bathroom. Which order depends on its pressing importance. It also depends on how foggy your brain is to successfully complete more than one of these tasks.

God forbid if you have an appointment on a bad day. Wrangling enough energy to call and cancel an appointment when you cant even sit up or get something to eat or drink is like pulling teeth. And God forbid you have an actual job you have to go to every day with no breaks for hours om emd- no, 15 minutes does not count as a break. No, an hour lunch does not count as a break. Not when you have chronic fatigue. You need at LEAST two hours, minimum, just to recover and function at the minimum- not even at work functional, just to be functional enough to exist at all.

That. Is what chronic fatigue is. Its not laziness or sleep all day. Its a daily fight just to exist at the barest minimum. Social media isnt a time waster, its our only real way of connecting with the world beyond ourselves. It is our life line. It is necessary appointments that keep getting canceled or rescheduled or pushed back because we physically could not make ourselves get there in the first place to even get the medicine or treatments we need to improve. Its being physically incapable of getting outside to exercise or get vitamin D to get stronger or happier in the first place. Its being physically incapable of making yourself prepare a meal and so when you do get up, all you can eat are chips or cheese or crackers or peanut butter. Never together. just the one ingredient, because putting ingredients together is also a task too difficult to do.

Chronic Fatigue is more than exhaustion. Its more than depression. Its physical as much as it is mental. It is hard work and battling it only makes you more fatigued in a vicious, vicious cycle.

#chronic fatigue syndrome #chronic illness #chronic fatigue #chronically ill #depression #mentally exhausted #exhaustion #long post

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i-think-i-did-it-again · 1 year

Text

Fuck Buddies VI

Warning: swearing, drinking

You’re nervous as you check your hair for the millionth time in the mirror. You can feel your own heartbeat and it’s the most uncomfortable feeling in the world. You’re trying so hard to be excited about your date but all you can think about is Colson’s reaction when he hears about it. You tried your best to not make it seem like you wanted him to know. You casually mentioned it to Rook on the phone a few hours ago and you made it pretty clear you didn’t want him to tell Colson. However, you know Rook well enough to know that secret keeping is not his strength. You try your best to not feel disappointed that he hasn’t called or sent a text but it was a naive thing to expect. Colson has never done anything that is expected of him. Why would it be any different this time?

A knock at your door makes you jump and you have to remind yourself to chill the fuck out. You open the door, your best smile plastered on your face. When you look into Jacob’s kind eyes, your mind goes blank and all you can do is stare.

“Sorry I’m a little early. I guess I was a little nervous about being late,” he chuckles and rubs his neck anxiously. You remind your mouth and brain to reconnect and you let out a soft laugh.

“That’s ok, I like a man who’s punctual,” you reassure him, reaching out to squeeze his very firm forearm. You retract your hand quickly, not sure what came over you. “I just need to grab my shoes but you can come in and wait.”

You open the door further and allow him to come further into your apartment. You excuse yourself to your bedroom to grab your heels and check yourself in the mirror one last time. You do one more spritz of perfume and slip your feet into your shoes. Before you leave your bedroom you take one deep, cleansing breath and put the smile back in place.

Jacob is looking through your bookcase when you come back into the living room and you watch him for a few moments before clearing your throat to let him know you’re back in the room. He takes you in, his eyes trailing up and down your body and you suddenly feel very self-conscious. His skinny jeans and button-up shirt are a confusing combination of neat casual and now your little black dress and strappy heels feels a little over the top for dinner.

Maybe lose the heels? Your subconscious scoffs and you blush.

“You look beautiful,” Jacob murmurs and you bite your bottom lip, embarrassment coursing through your veins.

Am I this awkward with Colson?

“Thank you. I wasn’t sure if I’d be overdressed but I guess it’s better to be overdressed than under dressed,” you ramble and you have to remind yourself to breathe again.

A knock at the door nearly gives you a brain aneurysm and you’ve honestly never felt so on edge in your life. Rook wouldn’t let Colson ruin the date would he? Naively you like to think that Rook has any control over the stuff Colson does but at this moment, you’re desperately hoping for a miracle. You throw Jacob a sympathetic expression but he just shrugs with a gentle smile.

You open the door and a very enthusiastic Sophie is grinning from ear to ear at you. Your blood pressure relaxes and you can feel your body relaxing. Sophie’s face falls when she looks at your outfit and at your perfectly styled hair.

“Shit, do you have plans tonight?” she whines and pushes past you. She stops short when she spots Jacob standing beside the TV and turns back to you, a now mischievous smirk playing on her lips. “Oh, sorry, I didn’t realise anyone else was here.”

“Yeah I um…I have a date with Jacob. Jacob this is my friend Sophie, Sophie this is Jacob. I met him last week at C-Colson’s party,” you stutter out a clumsy explanation for why there’s a strange man in your apartment on a Saturday evening.

“Well where are you guys going because there’s a group of us going to dinner and I do not want to be the only chick there.”

She looks expectantly between you and Jacob and before you can conceive a shitty excuse in your mind for why you can’t go to a dinner where Jacob and Colson will be in the same room, and make it sound legitimate, Jacob cuts you off mid-breath.

“We’d love to join you! I would like to meet all of Y/N's friends.”

Your jaw drops open and your heart leaps into your throat. You can't even hide your complete and utter shock at Jacob’s acceptance of the stupid invitation. Does he even realise Colson will be there?

Well duh! He has no fucking idea how Sophie and you are friend genius! Your subconscious butts in again to yell at you and the blood physically drains from your face.

The Uber ride to the restaurant is suffocating. You’re pretty sure neither Sophie or Jacob notice as they fill the entire journey with conversation. About 5 minutes into the 30 minute journey, Sophie drops the bombshell that she’s Colson’s guitarist and if that information made Jacob click, his face didn’t show it. Instead, he jumped into asking as many questions as he could about touring, travelling the world and performing live. If anyone was an outsider looking in, they’d think you were the third wheel by the way the two of them carry a conversation. Aside from having a large hand on your thigh, Jacob barely acknowledges your presence.

When you arrive at the restaurant you immediately jump out of the car, practically gasping for air. Jacob puts his arm around your shoulders and you follow behind Sophie into the restaurant. You burrow yourself as far into Jacob’s side as you possibly can, shifting your eyes around the restaurant every now and again. The hostess leads you all to the back, into a private section that is saved for VIPs and private functions. You breathe a sigh of relief when you realise you’re the first ones to arrive. You take a seat in the corner and Jacob sits beside you. Sophie takes the seat opposite you and she nudges your leg under the table with the tip of her shoe. She narrows her eyes at you subtly and you shoot her a weak smile.

“Can I get you something to drink while you wait?” the hostess asks as you all settle into your seats. You’re the first to speak.

“Can I have a double shot vodka lime and soda with a sprig of mint, please?” you request quickly.

Your go to drink seems like a safe choice, if you’re going to get through this evening, you’re going to need a lot of alcohol. Sophie narrows her eyes at you again but you ignore her this time. She shrugs and turns her attention back to her menu. You don’t want to be scolded for your shitty choices like a petulant teenager. You already know your own choices are dumb, you don’t need someone else telling you.

“I’ll have a bourbon and cola,” Sophie says while looking through the food menu.

“Me too but can I get tequila and soda,” Jacob smiles at the hostess as he orders.

You can see the way her eyes stay on him a little longer than necessary and you can’t really blame her. Even in the dim lighting, he looks drop dead gorgeous. She quickly excuses herself and mumbles something about a waitress coming back with your drinks.

“What do you recommend?” Jacob whispers in your ear and a chill runs down your spine at his warm breath on your neck.

“Hmm it’s tough to narrow it down to just a few things, everything is delicious,” you whisper back, your voice low and seductive as possible.

Jacob grins at you and puts his hand high on your thigh, squeezing softly. You almost jump out of your seat as a pulse of heat travels up your inner thigh to your apex. Sophie pretends to be oblivious to us, scrolling through her phone and the menu but you see the way her eyes flick up every now and again towards the two of you.

A flash of blond brings you crashing back to reality as the hostess walks around the corner, a group of men following behind her. Colson is front and centre, Rook by his side with an attractive woman hanging onto his arm. Baze and Slim trail behind them, their eyes wandering through the restaurant. When both of them notice you, their eyes widen and they look like they’re desperate for an escape hatch. You feel like standing up and explaining that this whole thing wasn’t your idea and you just got dragged along. You want them to know that you’re aware that this is a disaster waiting to happen and you didn’t come here for the situation to blow up just for the hell of it. You’re not the kind of person that likes to watch the world burn. It’s not until another figure rounds the corner that you realise their expressions have nothing to do with your presence, but rather the person about to sit down.

Making their way to the table, Colson seems completely oblivious to the fact that you’re even sitting there. He’s so enthralled in a conversation with Rook that he doesn’t even look around before sitting himself down beside Sophie, directly across from Jacob. You’ve never wished for the ground to open up and swallow you whole more than you do right now. You look down at your menu, pretending to intently study it. The waitress finally returns with the drink orders and you breathe a slight sigh of relief.

“Double vodka lime and soda with a sprig of mint?” she calls out from the opposite end of the table, looking around the table, waiting for someone to claim it.

Colson’s head whips towards her and then back along the table, finally spotting you in the corner. You kick yourself for ordering your usual drink. Any chance of making it through the evening undetected by him has gone completely out the window. His eyes widen as he takes in your appearance and then his eyes zero in on the man sitting next to and the way one of his hands disappears under the table. Before you can even say anything, a familiar shrill voice fills the silence space.

“Oh my god, have you seen the bathrooms in this place?” a woman squeals as she comes around the corner behind the waitress, taking a seat practically on top of Colson.

You swallow harshly as you recognise where you know that voice from. Flaming red hair, long lash extensions, full fake lips, a deep tan, long red claws and a dress that barely covers her implants, pushing up under her chin so no matter how much you try, you can’t avoid staring. This night has gone from bad to worse in a matter of minutes and you have whiplash just from sitting at the same table. The ‘date’ Colson brought to the restaurant is Carly, one of your old friends, who spent your whole friendship secretly trashing you behind your back and trying to steal your boyfriends.

“That’s my drink,” you wave to the waitress and she seems relieved that someone’s finally responded. Even she can feel the tension in the room.

“Oh my god Y/N, is that you?” she whips her head around to give you the most malicious grin you’ve ever seen. “Damn girl! Long time now see!”

You don’t say anything, you just smile weakly and sip your drink. Rook and his date, who introduces herself as Chelsea and works with Carly, quickly take over the conversation and the air in the room begins to feel less smothering as time passes. You and Jacob seem to be enthralled in your own conversation, completely separate from everyone else but you don’t mind. You find it easier talking one on one than in front of a large group.

Carly is trying hard to maintain Colson’s attention but she can’t stop him from glancing over and scowling at you and Jacob every now and again. When no matter what she says can bring him back, she presses her chest against him and makes some comment about how hot he looks or how warm it is in the restaurant and she wishes she could take off another layer without being arrested. That usually brings his attention back to her and he’ll whisper something in her ear or kiss her neck. You have to try hard not to gag, instead focusing all your attention on Jacob. Her efforts were working pretty well until Jacob tells you a funny story from his childhood and has you almost spitting your food right at Sophie, that her tactics lose their power.

“What’s so fucking funny?” Colson growls at you, venom in his voice and contempt in his eyes.

“Just a story Jacob told me,” you explain dismissively, annoyance clear in your tone.

“Why not share with the group if it’s so hilarious,” Colson quips back.

“Kells,” Rook warns but Colson is so hellbent on proving whatever point he’s desperate to make that he completely ignores him.

Anger begins to boil in your blood. Sure, throwing the occasional dirty look is one thing but trying to now purposely start shit is completely uncalled for. You stupidly thought that maybe Colson would just be mature and let the evening play out without trying to start anything but you should’ve known better. Maturity has never been his thing.

“It’s fine babe,” Jacob grabs your hand and squeezes it before putting his hand back on your thigh. Colson’s eyes zero in on the movement and his face pales.

Jacob begins to tell his story and everyone at the table is snickering under their breaths as he does. Even Carly has a genuine smile on her face as she listens intently. You smile at him as he speaks, telling his story so enthusiastically that your heart flutters at little and your chest warms. You feel a burning on the side of your face and you look over at Colson, his eyes ablaze as he watches you intensely. His big blue eyes look like they’re trying to convey something that words couldn’t but you can’t decipher it. The table erupts into laughter as Jacob reaches the conclusion of his story and the intense gaze between you and Colson is broken.

“Wasn’t that fucking funny,” Colson mumbles under his breath. Carly blindly agrees with him, even as she’s wiping tears from under her eyes. She senses herself losing Colson and when you think she’s about to give up, she directs all her attention towards you.

Fuck.

“So Y/N, how did you and Jacob meet?” she gives you her biggest fake grin and your heart begins to pound.

“We met last weekend at Colson’s party,” you reply numbly, trying your best to seem unaffected by the sudden attention of the whole table.

“Oh so you and Kells aren’t fucking anymore then I guess?” she smiles again and you see the twinkle of evil in her stare.

The air in the room is sucked away and everyone is visibly uncomfortable, everyone except Carly and Colson who now has the same evil glint in his eyes. Sophie is choking on her drink, Rook’s mouthful of food is about to fall out because his jaw is on the table, Baze and Slim look like they want to leave and Jacob is avoiding everyone’s eyes. His hand is still on your thigh but it’s tense.

Fuck.

#colson baker #machine gun kelly #mgk #tickets to my downfall #mgk imagine #ttmdf #colson x reader #colson baker imagine #machine gun kelly imagine #mgk x reader #est19xx #mgkxx #colson baker x reader #machine gun kelly x reader #good mourning #mgk fanfic #mgk smut #mgk angst

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jitzlemonade · 1 year

Text

UNNAMED PART 3

PART 1 PART 2 PART 4

Hey, I'm back. Thanks for the most recent ask that reminded me I have Unnamed finished. (what do you mean, no, I definitely didn't forget *sweats*) As for why I took so long, it's because I have no inspiration :D But anyway, I finished it *gives myself a pat on the back*

Let me know what you guys think, and any ideas or suggestions to inspire me so I'll be able to churn it out faster. I always love getting feedbacks from reader OwO

Also, obviously you can't find part 3 since I didn't post it as I am master of procrastinating XD If you can, I'll be shook instead ><; Contains: Angst, mental breakdown?, insecurity, low self-confidence, assuming things, not for those easily triggered etc Pairing: Zhongli x Reader

Summary:

In the end, it's always you.

----------------------------------------------------------------------- You knew the problem had never been him, but you.

Your eyes opened and an unfamiliar ceiling came into view. Faint sunlight shone through the gaps of the window, casting scattered light upon the dark room . The scent of what you assumed to be herbs assaulted your nose.

You blinked a few more times, thinking it was an illusion conjured by a sleep-addled mind. Nevertheless, the same scenery greeted you. This time, you decided to rub your eyes. In the end, nothing has changed and apparently this was not a hallucination.

You remained lying down as you covered your eyes with one arm. You tried to get your bearings together, trying to recall the happenings from the last time you were conscious. You were a thousand billion percent confused until it clicked. Ah, Zhongli happened.

Then in the midst of that breakdown, out of the blue, came a very painful chest pain. You would have never expected it, while you may not be as fit as a fiddle, you knew you were healthier than that. You release a sign, you never want it to happen again either.

You didn't know where you were. The right thing to do should really be just get up and about. Say thank you to whoever that took care of you and return their kindness on a later date after you deal with all the frustrations in your life. The only thing that’s stopping you is because you had a feeling the person might be Zhongli.

You don't feel like facing him now, it would be heart wrenching and to be honest, you don't want to have another heart attack when you have just woken up. Thus, you decided to sit up and settle into a more comfortable position as you pondered, even if all you’re doing is delaying the inevitable.

You look out the window, watching the birds that flew across the bright blue sky. Countless trains of thoughts run through your head as you contemplate how you should interact with the once love of your life.

He still is, but your love was too destructive for both you and him.

It was funny how your rational mind and emotions had countless fistfights yet it was always your small, weak and insecure heart that won. Although you rationalise numerous times that you were overthinking, your heart never failed to believe Zhongli didn't love you enough.

It wasn't fair you took it out on Zhongli, obviously he would be tired by your outburst, when he had been nothing but supportive and caring towards you even when you were showing the ugliest version of yourself.

You know the reason he couldn't spend as much time with you. Although you can control your thoughts, you’re much less adept with your feelings. No matter how much he does for you, the self-doubt would never fade away, lingering in the depths of your mind and whispering your worst nightmares.

You doubt there was anything he could even do to make you feel better. After all, you were the problem.

This isn't good for either of us, you thought as your hands covered your face and took in a deep breath, hoping whatever stress building up within you would be released along with said breath. That in fact, didn't help as you could subtly feel the dread slowly taking over you.

Suddenly, you hear a loud thud.

You looked over to identify the source. It was Zhongli, with a fallen basin next to him, resulting in water spilling all over the ground. Your gaze then shifted upwards to him, carefully and slowly sizing him up. Trying to observe any clues to his current state of mind.

He looks haggard, eye bags especially prominent against his pale jade-like skin, his suit was messy, full of wrinkles and creases, a stark contrast from his usual demeanor. You could feel your lips quiver, but in the end you remained silent. What were you supposed to do or say anyway?

You watch as his eyes seem to regain their clarity, his steps cautious and small as he approaches you before sitting down on the bed beside you. His hands trembled as he reached out towards you, so close yet not touching you.

It was as if he was afraid you were just the morning mist in the forest, or a mirage in the desert, one blink or a touch too harsh would break this illusion. You didn’t make any moves, still unsure on how to face him.

After some hesitation, he bit his lips, as if coming to a decision, and finally touched you.

The look in his eyes was so soft and gentle that it moved your heart. It made you wonder whether your brain was right and your emotions had it all wrong due to being too caught up with anything negative and blinded itself. Perhaps Zhongli had only you held close in his heart and you were truly just overthinking.

The soft rustling of the fabric against your skin however, quickly woke you from the illusion that he loves you. After all, if he truly loved you, why did every skin contact you ever had with him were all done through a layer of fabric?

Now awake after your outburst, you felt a bizarre sense of clarity flooding through your head. How could you have missed all those clues? The hints scattered throughout your life that you have so blatantly missed due to letting love blind your senses.

Zhongli doesn't truly love you, he was with you merely because he platonically loves you, and he wasn't too repulsed by the idea of dating you. To some, it may be wonderful news, but you didn't want to force a relationship on Zhongli just because you couldn't control your emotions.

The gloves he donned upon even now certainly represented your relationship with him.

Thin enough to feel him close, yet it is a layer you would never be able to penetrate, a layer that separates both of you from truly connecting as one. What else could induce more sorrowness than this? When the person is clearly standing before you, yet the distance between both of you was as wide as the universe itself?

He'll never love you the way you love him.

You felt him caress your cheek, a few faint brushes of his fingers before his hand finally enveloped your face. The intensity of his gaze flustered you, you remained rigid as his fingers trailed the side of your face softly.

Perhaps the fact that you didn't break or disappear was enough for him. The next thing you knew, you were pulled into his embrace. His face was buried in your collar, a sigh of relief escaping from his lips.

He was glad you finally woke up after being tormented by the thought you would never wake up again. Staying up countless nights by your side, afraid to miss any waking moment or emergency.

His concern was clear and strong to you, yet you feel strangely numb even though his hands wrapped tightly around your body. It was like your soul was gone, and all that’s left is the ashes from where your passion had once burned.

When he pulls away, you place your hand upon your chest. You could feel Zhongli's enquiring gaze on you, oblivious to your intention. You decide he could wait later as you try to feel your heart.

There it was, a very faint but still steady beat, indicating your heart was fine and working.

That's strange, you still had a heart, but why do you feel... empty? Looking at Zhongli, you no longer feel the same joy that flooded your bones, the euphoria that makes you drunk akin to fine wine.

--------

You could tell you probably relapsed back to the time when you hadn't met Zhongli. It was the darkest period of your life, when you were still too clueless and too helpless to decide on anything. A period where the road that leads to your future is all thorns and darkness, a path where you always get hurt. You were so desperate for recognition that you were servile to anyone and everyone.

You always had a smile on your face, always ready to offer your help to anyone. You were exploited for your kindness, yet you always give more and more of yourself even when it’s carving into your own flesh. In the end, you only had more knives sticking out of you.

You were a bundle of all the lost cause in the world, no wonder no one could love you. You don’t belong anywhere, no one can ever accept you, no one would even want you. You don’t deserve it.

But then, there was Zhongli.

He probably never knew how dazzling he is in your life. Everything else becomes blurred and obsolete when he’s there, all you can do is focus on him. He was brilliance itself, the confidence that radiated off him with every step, his posture straight and proper with every movement, a world heritage painting from every angle.

He was everything you hope to be, the way words of admiration flow from his mouth would melt even the most heartless people. His articulation was enough to contend with even the best of debaters, able to convince anyone to agree with him.

Your eyes always trail after him as you engrave him within your memories, so you may have something to look back upon when you're old and frail. The way his ponytail sways behind him as he walks, the smile on his face as he converse, and especially those eyes of his. Those eyes that seemed to have all the answers in the world.

His eyes were regal amber, akin to crystallisation of tree saps, the glow of cor lapis when the sun hits it just right. You wondered if Rex Lapis had personally sculpted him and inlaid the finest cor lapis into his eyes. He was just that charming, enough to pull you into an abyss that you’ll never be able to get out from again.

He was the pivot, drawing in everyone’s gaze unintentionally, and you were merely one of the masses that oscillated around him. It was only natural, and it would never change. Yet like Rex Lapis playing a joke on you, it did.

Both of you were supposed to be a pair of parallel lines, close enough to see each other, but never intersecting. After all, how can you drag sunshine into your midnight rain? But the moment his eyes met yours, you knew you never wanted to let go, even if it digs onto your skin and leaves scars.

The way his voice rumbles when he laughed should be a sin, the way his hands perfectly covers yours should be a foul. His eyes lit up, and your breath was taken away. His eyes narrowed when he smiled, and you were knocked off your feet. Those eyes of his entrance you like nothing else, they make everything else irrelevant. He was the sun, everything thrives because of him, and you were no different. Your world was grey and black, but now it was filled with splotches of colours. From the brightest shade of flaming red to the violet shade of the aurora sky. You were no longer surviving, but truly living.

And when those eyes had only you in their reflection, you fell for him.

All the inferiority that used to plagued you was washed away by his love, causing you to undergo a brand new transformation. However, now that you lost him, they all come crashing against you once more in calamitous waves. This made you realise, you are nothing without him.

Everything good and pleasant about you, everything you love about yourself only existed because of his words, his validation.

You truly were nothing by yourself.

—---------------------------------

You didn't have the most flattering appearance. Staring at the mirror for too long will definitely end with your confidence in your facial features dropping drastically.

The people you called 'friends' point at you as they commented about your features before laughing, saying it was all in light jest.

In spite of it all, what else can you do but agree and laugh along with them? Even if everything they said was like one bullet after another shot straight at your heart.

Worse of all, if you really said anything in retaliation, you would be the unreasonable one and couldn't take a 'joke'.

You were never enough.

No one really likes you either, halfway through a conversation, you felt the boredom or dislike rolling off the other party.

It overwhelms you, makes you stammer and fumble over your words because you don't know what exactly you do or say to incur their dissatisfaction.

It gets draining before it becomes suffocating, completely eradicating your will and energy to keep conversing.

The slight delight emitting off them as they excuse themself from the conversation makes your heart heavy.

You were never enough.

The relationships you forged were never truly yours, you were just there along for the ride. A friendship that people will only indulge in when it's convenient or they have no one else.

They would hang out with you, but would never wait for you nor explicitly invite you, it all depends on whether you're present when they invite their other friends.

Still, when they were at the lowest, you were there. You lend them your shoulder, you allow them to hurt you so they would find comfort in the midst of their own pain, so they would know someone was still by their side.

However, when tomorrow comes, you are back to being a background character for them.

You were never enough.

The scars inflicted upon your soul were numerous, each one deeper than the last. A heavy burden weighs upon you, and you submerge yourself within the emptiness and the sorrow.

Wallowing in your pain was easier than confronting everything that's wrong with you. You were never enough, and there was nothing you could ever do to change it.

And it was just so easy to submerge yourself in suffering, to block everything else out of your heart, anguishing at your pain yet doing nothing to change it.

But then there was Zhongli.

Zhongli made you feel you were enough, he made you feel you were everything that's perfect and more. He made you strive for better, he made you flourish and bloom.

"Your beauty overwhelms me, that no words can describe it. It's similar to the sunset by Liyue Harbour, thousands of words and poetry will still fail to describe the complete allure of it. It is something so magnificent and enigmatic that it can only be appreciated personally with one's entire being and one's soul,"

He made you love your own appearance.

"My love, please do not hesitate sharing things with me. I will always be interested in anything you have to say. I particularly adore the way your eyes brighten and the passion you radiate when you talk about the things you love, even your expressive actions with your hands. I find you lovable all the same, even if you 'throw hands' with someone."

He made you love yourself, with all your flaws and quirks.

“You're more than anything I ever deserve,” he breathed out as he caressed your cheeks. His eyes were transfixed on you, as if you were too good to be true, and he dared not take his eyes off you.

He made you rediscover that you were important too, and you wondered how you even lost yourself in the first place.

-----------------------

Now, you know the problems between you were not only Lumine, no, she was merely the catalyst. There was a much deeper reason why your heart couldn't fully trust him, but you never realised until this very moment.

It was the way you knew nothing about his past. You knew not his parents, or whether he was an orphan. You knew none of his old friends, nor did you know the scenery he grew up in.

He was a storyteller.

However, he never shared his life before meeting you, merely throwing you small snippets which you couldn't piece a large picture with.

It was the way you knew nothing of how his skin feels against yours. All along he was tightly wrapped in his gentlemen, never exposing any patches of skin.

You had never seen him without his coat, he always donned it, every button fastened and crease smoothened out, even if it was only the both of you.

You could never tell with Zhongli, he was an enigma, a mystery wrapped under so many layers that you could never fully uncover.

Does he not love you enough to tell you everything, or does he love you too much to tell you everything?

What draws the line between too much love and not enough of it? You pondered yet you couldn't come up with an answer.

However you know, in your case, it must be because he didn't love you enough. He didn't trust you enough to tell you everything.

You broke the silence first.

“If you truly love and need me, why didn't you ever tell me about your past? Why don't you ever touch me directly without your gloves on?”

You looked towards him, your voice steady, but only you yourself knew your heart was beating loudly in your chest, and how the tears were about to fall out of your eyes.

He didn't love you enough to feel your skin against his, he didn't find the need to feel your body heat without the barrier of a cloth. The fact that you loved someone so much and who doesn't love you back the same is heartbreaking.

He remained silent, and you knew he would not do it. Perhaps it was for the best, a way for both of you to part peacefully from each other without inflicting any more harm than you already have

However, he did the opposite.

He took off his gloves and rolled up his sleeves, and despite the countless time you have spent with one another, it is the first time you saw what lies beneath them.

It was not the pale skin you have expected, nor are there hideous scars littering his arms. In fact, it wasn’t anything you could have imagined.

Instead it was something similar to obsidian, that gradually faded to a pale gold. Networks made of brilliant gold formed a pattern on his arms, glowing.

You were at first fascinated with the exquisite pattern, faintly recognising one of them to be the geo symbol. Then you paused, a frightening relevantion making itself known in your mind.

You immediately looked at Zhongli, moving further back to widen the distance between both of you. You managed a weak smile, “You're Rex Lapis, ” How could you not know? When all of Liyue made sure to teach their young of the marks Rex Lapis possesses?

He had hidden it so long for you, even after both of you verified your relationship with one another. You wondered, how serious is he with you? To keep such a thing secret until it was inevitable but to reveal it?

But what truly breaks your heart was that you and Zhongli were probably never meant to be. You didn't deserve Zhongli before, how could you ever deserve him now?

You were the filth beneath his shoes before, now you would not even amount to a drop of water in the vast sea. You are nothing.

For a god like him, a being from a completely higher existential plane than yours, could he even truly love you? He might just be playing around with you, watching as you dance in the palm of his hands.

Just as how easily he made himself part of your life, you were sure he would have no problems ripping himself out of it either.

You believe even at this moment, incorrigible rationality still runs through his mind. He was the God of Contracts, no less should be expected of him.

Therefore, how could he understand all the joys and woes of love? Something that is undeniably, mortal.

... However due to this discovery, a lot of things that were incongruent before made sense now. How he seemed to know everything from ancient times as if he was there to witness it himself.

He carries himself unlike a mortal being, where people's gazes would be attracted to him merely by his temperament and bearing.

Maybe you can believe him when he says he loves you, only that it was in the same way he loves everyone that dwells in his land and worships him.

He probably wouldn't understand the love you try to convey to him and hoped he would return. Just like an ant with a human, how could a human ever fall in love with an ant romantically?

They weren't even in the same dimension, much less on equal standing with one another.

Even if humans and gods can really bond with each other in a romantic sense, but with such a vast life spans difference, how can the god truly devote their everything to someone who would die way too soon?

Once again, you were reminded of the fact you will never be enough for him, so why bother ridding yourself of the emptiness?

It's akin to a cocoon, the comfort it brings you as you dwell within that darkness, that sadness within you.

It isn't good for you, you know this, it will destroy you, you know it well. But why rid yourself of that sadness when it's all you know, and all that will protect you?

You were already broken into pieces, you don't want to shatter into dust.

However, if the gods possess the ability to love someone with everything they got, you can't imagine the pain that would wreck them, the insanity they would feel when everything is done and said.

Love is beautiful and everlasting in the moment, yet it is transient, nothing can truly last forever.

Perhaps some mortals, some love are worth this pain. The kind of love that would be sung by bards even after aeons had passed, an epic praised by humans and gods alike. But how can you ever measure up to myths and legends?

You knew you weren't worth it.

Thus, a part of you hoped Zhongli was a little more selfish, that he would guard his heart a little more closely so you will never enter its deepest part, you didn't want to become the cause of his agony. Not now, and never. But there was a part of you which you would never admit its existence, whispers in your ears, "Leave him before he leaves you,"

So, you did what you do best. Run away from reality. You stood up and headed towards your destination with a firm determination.

Zhongli immediately stood up, wanting to hold you back yet afraid he'll break you even more “Wait, darling, pleas—”

You walked out the door and you didn't look back. You knew if you did, you would have stayed.

However in the end, only pain and suffering would be left. So you left, for both him and you.

All these while, you had been proud of yourself as Zhongli's lover, now, what are you without him?

—--------------

In a dark alley somewhere, you collapsed onto your knee, blankly staring at something that’s not there.

Who are you without Zhongli?

PART 1 PART 2 PART 4

#zhongli x reader #genshin impact x reader #angst #mentally ill #misunderstanding #genshin impact

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mjlovescm · 2 years

Text

12- Keep it down, 🍋

Completed, 27 chapters, “She’s an angel” Rodrick Heffley x black fem reader

Content - Kissing, neck kissing, grinding and very light fingering. 😊

You weren't sure what it was about Rodrick that made you so risky. But it was obvious he had some type of control over you. Either that or this movie was really good at setting the mood. It was probably the movie.

It was one of those parody movies with a rather raunchy scene playing out. The volume was relatively low, but the silence of your house made it feel much, much louder. Which only added fuel to the fire.

You and Rodrick shared a look, holding it for a moment before your eyes flickered back to the screen. Where two main characters were halfway through a ridiculous over the top “Sex scene”. It was funny, of course, but definitely shouldn't have been as sexy as it was right now.

Looking back at Rodrick, your eyes land on his lips before his actual eyes. It was almost shameful, the way your mind pictured thousands of scenarios just of his mouth. Kissing, licking, sucking, biting. And of course Rodrick was doing the same. You both admiring the supple, soft skin of each other's lips.

“Can I kiss you ?”

The words fly out of his mouth faster than you can think of a response. You don't answer him because he already knows by the way your lips attack his. Eager.

He's quick to give you the same attention. Hands clinging onto you, one hand cupping your face while the other held your hip. Desperate to close the small gap between your bodies, you struggled to move towards Rodrick without pulling away from his lips. Sensing the desperation, he decided to do it for you.

Using the hand already on your hip, Rodrick hooks it under your thigh, pulling you onto his leg. A strained groan escapes him. Conscious of your weight on his leg, you slide yourself to sit between them. This movement breaks the kiss, giving you both a moment to breathe.

With your head laid back against him, you both took in deep breaths. Puzzled by how quick things had escalated. It was just a kiss, sure, but it was a good. A deep, needy one, one you didn't think twice about.

Looking up at Rodrick, you could tell he was feeling the same way. That and his skin was darkening with blush by the second. Your gaze travels around his soon-to-be red face, falling lower as you take in all the details in his cheekbones then his jaw. Never realizing until now how prominent these features were before finally falling onto his neck.

Instinctively, your tongue rolls over your bottom lip, teeth grazing it before gently biting down. Your mind returns to all those shameful thoughts. Kissing, licking, sucking, biting. And once again, you don't think twice before kissing his neck. Caught off guard, Rodrick releases a shaky breath. You hum in response, curving your body into his. Grinding against him.

“Fuc-ck.”

Another shaky breath leaves him, but it's more a moan or even a whimper. His hands fly to your hips, but he doesn't stop your grinding. In fact, he presses your ass more into his hardening dick, moaning freely at the feeling.

“Rodrick.” You whisper, trying to get his attention without being too loud. “We have to keep it down.”

He hums in agreement, clearly not actually listening. You pull away from his neck, hooking your index finger under his chin. Forcing him to look at you. He goes in for a kiss, but you stop him.

“I'm serious.” You tell him, voice still low and soft, but lacking its previous seductive tone.

“I know.”

He whispers, mimicking your serious voice, as he nuzzles his nose into the crook of your neck. Placing small kisses along your collarbone.

Leaving your hip, his left hand travels up the side of your body. Giving your breast a light squeeze before finding the back of your neck. The hold is almost nonexistent until he cranes your head back. Giving him better access while this right-hand slides past your hip and falls between your legs.

“I wanna give you a fucking hickey.” He tells you between kisses, voice rasped.

The new attention brings a squeaky moan out of you.

“Shh.” He hushes you, letting his warm breath and lips tickle your heated skin. “We don't wanna get in trouble, do we, y/n.”

“Right.”

And with that, you allow yourself to get lost in the pleasure Rodrick was giving you. And even wanting more.

You place your hands over his, guiding them where you want them. Sliding his left hand between your breast before slipping it under your shirt. He is quick to give them the attention they'd been lacking. Switching between pinching and pulling at your hard nipples and squeezing and massaging your breast. Doing the same with his right had you guide it under the waistband of your shorts then your underwear. Skipping over your clit, you bit back a moan as two of his fingers dip into your entrance.

“Fuck you're wet.”

He moves his fingertips in small circles, teasing you. You bring his coated fingertips up to your clit. Letting him take the lead, you leave him to do all the work. His fingers are fast, wasting no time with any rhythm or pattern.

The feeling of excitement shoots through your stomach. You shriek at the sudden feeling, your hand flying to your mouth, swiftly cutting off the noise. But not muting you completely. You struggle to keep yourself silent as Rodrick works you from all angles. Never giving you a break or moment to catch your breath.

The heat between the two of your bodies builds more and more. It's not until now that you realize how close you were. You were close, so fucking close, Rodrick could feel it. The way your legs struggled to stay still, they way your back arched. And oh, the way your beautiful moans rang in his ears.

He wanted to encourage you, to go faster with his fingers, apply more pressure, but he realized how loud you actually were. He didn't know the next time he'd get to have you like this, but he knew if you were caught now, it wouldn't be for a very long time. If ever.

So he shut you up. His lips meet your, muffling and silencing your desperate moans as you finally push past that peak. Orgasm taking over you as your whole body shudders uncontrollably.

A few minutes and a trip to the bathroom later, you and Rodrick were exhausted. You both knew it wasn't the best idea to have him sleep in your bed. And you were sure you'd have to have a long conversation with your parents after tonight, whether they found you in bed together or not. But right now you were too tired to force him on the floor or on the couch downstairs. Plus, he did just make you come.

Next chapter ;) All chapters :)

#mjlovescm #black fem reader #rodrick heffley smut #diary of a wimpy kid #rodrick heffley #reader insert smut #rodrick x reader

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azrielgreen · 8 months

Note

How are our Touched boys doing?!

As promised - Touched Preview CHAPTER TWELVE.

“The Sea” And all our lives we’re told The stream will take us home -Haevn

He can’t let go.

Eddie can’t let go of him for a single second.

The contact is necessary, it’s bodily, it bypasses their autonomy. The Alpha and Omega will not be parted.

Not again.

Eddie can’t reconcile it.

But he knows the truth of it in scent and sense; through the bond, it’s a song. Truth in blood and cells and memory, he can feel everything Steve has gone through, has experienced.

And it’s been a split second between then and now.

Eddie doesn’t understand it, but he fucking knows it’s real and maybe that’s why he can’t let go of Steve, of his Omega, his love, his Little Fox.

He’s kissing him, he is wrapped all the way around him as instinct takes over and his conscious control slips enough to trigger something almost like a rut as his own emotions react to Steve’s, to the newness in Steve’s memories.

Steve is holding Jason’s hand, he won’t let him go, and they’re moving around back, or like. Steve is. He’s doing his best because he’s trailing Jason and Eddie, who can’t let go, can’t stop kissing him.

Steve makes no move to stop him.

But he also has things to do.

‘This isn’t ideal, babe,’ he points out gently when he tries to bend down without letting Jason go, and Eddie follows immediately, bends too in their garden, kissing and touching and playing with Steve’s hair as his mind goes very, very Alpha. Grief in waves, disjointed rage that forms useless and unworthy because it’s not his experience, but Steve’s, yet they share everything.

Steve is picking Middlemist Reds and Jason helps with his free hand and Eddie’s vaguely thinking how quickly they can fuck right here, how many times. Jason could look away.

Steve snorts, turns towards Eddie’s wild and insistent kisses and meets one of them properly, into which he whispers, ‘No sex, baby.’

‘Lost you.’

The two words contain worlds.

They resonate in Steve like a ripple of sound through outer space.

There is familiarity there.

Steve’s thoughts go immediately to a place where… where Eddie had lost Steve. Where he was alone in a cabin, where he was left behind.

Eddie whines low, kisses harder and Jason politely clears his throat. ‘I could, uh—’

‘No, stay,’ Steve says quickly, while Eddie very gently sort of tries to lay him down in the flower beds and fuck him. ‘You need to stay.’

Eddie growls. ‘Five minutes.’

‘Alpha,’ Steve warns.

‘Omega,’ he answers.

And for some reason, that makes Steve stop, makes his breath catch as he stares, stilling in all ways. He strokes Eddie’s face, wonder and loss and love in his eyes.

‘I missed that,’ he says.

And then they’re kissing again.

They’re kissing the way they kiss best.

With Steve crawling into Eddie’s lap.

Just slightly above as feels right.

Deep and dirty and disgustingly in love.

Jason sighs, picks the flowers with his remaining hand.

💜💜💜

#Poor Jason he really doesn't mind though bless him #Bear with me for this I promise it'll be worth the wait my darlings #poorly timed trauma rut? poorly timed trauma rut #we do love a poorly times biological imperative to really SPICE UP THE ACTION in Touched don't we #oonionchiver #steddie #steddie fic #fanfiction #askaz #touched fic

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thebigqueer · 7 months

Text

"Foreign Colors" - Valgrace - One-Shot

Summary: 2nd piece to my arcane au snippets series!! for more information, read the series notes on AO3. Word Count: 5191 TW: Slightly sensual but not sexual, some mention of violence & scars (not self-harm related). Read on AO3

Leo had gotten used to the sight of Jason not being in their room. He’d gotten used to the vacant top bunk, the lack of his thick, rainy scent, the emptiness of their shared dresser. He’d gotten used to the gaping hole in his heart that Jason had carved in him.

So when he steps back into his room, ready to spend the rest of the night disintegrating into his sorrow, he’s shocked - and utterly pissed - to find Jason leaning against the window sill.

“You know, Jason,” Leo mutters, “just because this used to be your room doesn’t mean you can just come in here without asking.”

Jason doesn’t even flinch. He simply turns his head to the sound of his voice, like he was expecting him, and a burst of rage flames right through Leo’s chest. He’s only been back a few days, and he’s already getting used to the ice in Leo’s words. How can that even be fair? How can Jason leave him with the most burning pain he’s ever experienced, and when he’s back, Leo can barely manage to hurt him back in the same way?

“You’ve barely changed it,” is all he says.

Leo knows he could go all the way to the other end of the room. He knows he could just lie in his bed and pretend Jason isn’t here. Hell, he could even just leave. But because he’s heartsick and tired, he finds that his feet are dragging towards the window sill instead.

“Why would I have changed it?” he asks, looking up at Jason, crossing his arms.

Jason shrugs, and underneath the pale light flooding through the weekend, Leo can see his pupils dilated, ringed by just a bare millimeter of electric irises. He looks almost helpless. Lost. “I don’t know,” he says. “Just… surprised, I guess. I would’ve thought you’d gotten rid of everything that was mine.”

“I should have.”

Jason nods casually, but Leo doesn’t miss the tightening in his jaw. “That’s fair.”

A pang of guilt strikes Leo’s chest, and he has to look away, if only to protect his image. A crescendo of silence starts to ring around them, interrupted only by occasional shouts and jeers from the outside. Leo holds his arms tighter against himself.

It’s funny, when he thinks about it. Not even two years ago, he and Jason would be sitting at this very window sill, kissing each other until their lips were sore. Or they’d be talking until their eyes couldn’t stay open anymore. But now, they can barely breathe around each other without feeling like the weight of the world is crushing on them.

Jason sighs, and Leo steels his body, ready to protect himself from whatever onslaught of words Jason decides to throw at him now.

“I wanted to say I’m sorry about earlier,” he says, catching Leo’s eyes. “About those… shimmer monsters breaking your ring. I know it meant a lot to you.”

Leo takes a deep breath, but it does nothing to calm the despair and shame roiling in his chest. Honestly, it wasn’t even just the fact that they’d shattered his mother’s ring. It was the fact the first person he turned to wasn’t any of his friends, but Jason. Fucking Jason, with his big chest and strong arms and familiar embrace.

Sure, he was vulnerable - one of the last things his mother gave to him was crushed by some guy who was barely conscious two seconds later - but it was utterly humiliating that of all the people he had to cry on, it was Jason. He couldn’t even control it. Jason was just there, and he barely skipped a beat before he came to hold Leo, before he was gently lowering him to the ground and rubbing his back and saying everything Leo wanted to hear, everything he’d been dreaming of since Jason first left.

But more than anything, Leo was embarrassed that the first person he even thought of going to was Jason. Not even Piper crossed his mind. And if anyone asked, he’d deny it, but Leo knows a part of him was already searching for Jason before he came to him.

Leo could say something snarky right now, tell Jason that it was no big deal, that it’s not his business. But when he glances at Jason’s eyes again, sees the pure genuinity in them, he can barely muster the energy. Instead, he sighs and shrugs. “I’m sorry about being such a wreck earlier. It just caught me by surprise. I was really angry.”

“I know, and you don’t have to apologize.” Jason’s lips quiver into the barest brush of a smile, and Leo knows it’s taking all his courage. “Trust me, I wanted to let you kill those guys. You had every right to. But I don’t think they really meant it - I doubt they were aware of what was even happening when they woke up.”

“I know,” sighs Leo, and now he hangs his head. “Thanks for restraining me, though.”

Jason laughs, and Leo absolutely despises the way the sound of it lifts his heart. “Anytime. I’ve had a lot of practice restraining you.”

Leo shrugs and turns his gaze outside the window, at the groups of teenagers hustling around, waiting for their next loot, their next haul. He wishes they were down there with them, doing the same thing.

“How long ago did your mom die?” asks Jason.

Leo blinks. The mention of his mother feels like a stone skipping across the river of his emotions, rippling through his entire conscience. He knows he could just tell Jason to fuck off and be quiet, but if he’s already cried on him today, how much lower could he even sink? He’s pretty sure he’s already touched the ocean floor with that, anyway.

“Almost a year after you left,” murmurs Leo. “Just less than a year, even.”

Jason’s eyes widen, and all of his features turn down in guilt. “Almost a year… God, Leo, I’m so sorry. That must’ve been a terrible year.”

“Yeah.” Leo stares into Jason’s eyes. “It was.”

“She was a really good person,” laments Jason. “I’m so sorry I wasn’t there for you.”

Leo shakes his head. “Don’t do that, Jason. Don’t pretend that just because I decided to open up to you for a minute today means we can go back to normal.”

Jason is quiet for a moment, before he says, “I’m sorry for making you feel that way.”

“Stop saying sorry. I don’t want to hear it anymore. You and I both know it doesn’t matter how many times you say it; I’m not going to magically forgive you for everything.”

“I know.” Jason hangs his head. “But I’m not saying it for forgiveness. I’m saying it so you know.”

“Well, I don’t want to hear it anymore.”

“Okay.”

Leo hates the way Jason’s desolateness makes his heart turn to lead. He swore to himself he’d never submit to Jason’s will ever again, would never let him pick his way back into his soul. He promised himself Jason was a thing of the past, and if he ever saw him again, he’d make sure he’d fucking know that. It’s what he deserved, for doing the same thing to Leo - even if maybe he didn’t intend it.

But all of that was easier said than done. Because there hasn’t been a moment Leo hasn’t considered what it would be like to just give in, to let the walls he’d spent so long building against Jason just come crashing down, to let Jason flood through the gates. He could have a taste of all of their past back - could maybe, just maybe get an inkling of who they could have been together.

In this moment, being with Jason by the window sill that had seen so many of their moments together, Leo swears he can see a glimpse of that alternate universe. He can see it in the iridescent blue of Jason’s eyes; he can see it in the hopeful quiver of his lips. With the lights flooding in from outside, illuminating his features, all the colors on him look foreign - new, beautiful. Unexplored.

“Look, Jason,” Leo whispers. He barely feels in control of his words now; he can already feel the cement of the walls on his tongue as they crumble down. “I’m going to be really honest. I don’t want you to get the wrong idea, and I need you to know everything I’m going to say next doesn’t imply anything about where I want us to go from here on out.” He takes a deep breath. “I’m really tired of being angry at you. I hate you, but I want you to know hating you is really exhausting. Because it is so fucking tiring trying to hate you for leaving me, for leaving your family, and then having you pull this ‘I still care about you, Leo’ and ‘I’m sorry, Leo’ and ‘You have every right to be mad at me, Leo’ bullshit, because all it does is make me feel guilty for even trying to hate you. Because you are just such a genuine person, and I know you mean them, and that’s why I just fucking despise you. I know you’re not expecting me to forgive you, and that just makes me want to forgive you even more.”

Jason just looks away. Good, Leo thinks. That makes all of this so much easier.

“What I’m going to say now is probably just me admitting to the fact that I’m tired of hating you. It won’t change anything between us, but I need you to know that what I say next is out of a place in my heart that is still beating for the past. Not for a future. And you have every right to reject it.”

“Alright,” Jason says, his words raised by skepticism.

Leo takes a deep breath, and when he exhales, he feels the world releasing its hold on him. He feels like he’s floating in the clouds, above from the chains of the real world. “All I’ve been able to think about since you got back is being with you. Being around you. Being suffocated by you. All I’ve been thinking about is the world we could have lived in, if you hadn’t left.”

Jason’s eyebrows rise, but he wisely chooses not to say anything else.

“I just…” Leo’s voice breaks, and he has to take another breath. And now, for once, it’s his turn to look away. “For tonight, I just want to forget about all of it. I want to forget how angry I am with you. I want to forget trying to hate you.” Leo closes his eyes. “I just want to get a taste of what forever could have been like with you.” He opens his eyes again, and he hates the way they burn, completely scorch his throat. “Will you give me that?”

To Leo’s surprise - or maybe to his delight - Jason reaches out and takes his hand. It’s been so long since Leo’s just touched him like this, like every cell in Jason’s palm was a new universe that Leo just had to explore overnight. Jason grazes his other hand against Leo’s jaw, draws him closer, pulls out a breath of relief from Leo’s lips. He closes his eyes, trying to engrave this moment with Jason in his mind, trying to make it last forever, because he doesn’t know when he’ll get it again. Jason leans forward, touches his forehead to Leo’s, and whispers, “I’m sorry that I’ve made it get to the point where you have to ask at all.”

And then he kisses him.

It should concern Leo that he knows exactly where to put his hands - Jason’s face, with his index finger gently brushing against the scar under his ear lobe. It should concern Leo that he knows exactly how to move his body - leaning his weight a little more to Jason’s left arm.

It should concern Leo that he knows exactly how to move his tongue, too.

Maybe he should be even more concerned that Jason knows exactly how to hold Leo, too, with one hand warm against his waist and the other tugging at one of the belt loops on Leo’s jeans, because of course he remembered how crazy it drove him.

But Leo has a lot of emotions flooding through his mind right now - a hint of excitement, a tidal wave of relief, a twinge of guilt for even giving himself into this behavior - and concern is not one of them.

Maybe Jason can hear the thoughts practically thundering around in Leo’s head, because he rears his head back the barest inch and says, “Maybe this isn’t such a good idea.”

“It’s not.” And Leo kisses him again.

He knows he should be the one putting up barriers right now. He knows he should be trying to pull his resolve back together. But this moment with Jason, this moment he’d been craving for so long, is one he knows he won’t get again. So he doesn’t care if it’s a bad idea, if it’s just going to make this situation more heated than it needs to be. All he knows is that he needs Jason, now more than ever, and he’s willing to finally admit it to himself.

Leo starts pulling on Jason, leading him towards the bunk beds that they’d shared years ago, stumbling further into the past. It feels like a dance, all this movement, a choreography they’ve had years to perfect and improve - the movement of their hands as they try to explore every inch of skin they can, the shuffling of their feet as they try to find the nearest flat surface, the rhythm of their bodies as they breathe against each other, with each other, for each other.

And now they’ve come to Leo’s favorite part of the recital - he feels the wooden bedframe brush against his calf, the soft covers against his lower thigh, Jason’s one hand against his jeans and the other crawling its way underneath Leo’s shirt, against the bare skin of his stomach.

Jason isn’t kissing Leo’s lips anymore; he’s ventured out, decided to explore new territory. Leo’s pulling him onto the bed, pulling him on top of him as Jason’s lips stumble across the universe of his face.

He’s kissing Leo’s jaw when he whispers, “Where did you get this scar?” and brushes a gentle finger against the corner of his jaw.

Leo has to refrain himself from yanking Jason back to kissing him. “Mishap with a knife in the lab,” he breathes.

Jason kisses it.

“And this one?” He points at the long one arching its way from across Loe’s throat and up to almost his earlobe.

“Knife at a bar fight.”

Jason kisses it.

“This?” He brushes his fingers against the three jagged ones across Leo's cheek.

“Accidentally scratched myself with a weapon I was working on.”

Jason kisses it.

“What about this one?” The one near the piercing on Leo’s right eyebrow.

“Piper scratched me by accident.”

Jason huffs a laugh. And he kisses it.

They go on like that, Jason asking about all the stories etched on Leo’s face in sars, Leo answering nonchalantly. A part of him wonders if maybe any of these stories surprise Jason in any way, maybe even make him angry. Maybe he’s looking for evidence that Topside has changed him, made him soft. But Jason barely flinches at anything he says, rarely comments on any of the stories, and for a moment, Leo allows himself to believe he’s still with the boy he loved.

Eventually Jason falls to Leo’s side, leans his head against the space between Leo’s neck and shoulder. But he keeps asking, keeps trailing his fingers against each and every imperfection on Leo’s skin, keeps kissing all the remnants of pain on his body. And eventually Leo closes his eyes, lets himself be soothed by the warmth of Jason’s touch.

“You’re even more beautiful than I remember,” Jason breathes. Leo turns his head and finds that Jason’s eyes are closed, but his finger is still brushing against the latest scar - the one against Leo’s forearm. “All your scars are like words in a book. I feel like I’m reading a story.”

“A book?” Leo asks, and he allows himself to smile. “Funny. You think I’d be a famous one?”

“You already are. To me.”

“No need to flatter me.”

Jason smiles. “You’ve been through a lot since I left,” he notes, and the way his voice lilts, Leo gets the sense he means the words to be light. But the silence that follows feels like a thunderstorm crashing through the window, and maybe Jason feels it too, because his eyes open wide and his gentle touch over Leo’s wrist snaps into a subtle grip.

Leo just shrugs, and he can tell that unwinds Jason a bit; his eyebrows unknit themselves in slight relief.

“Sure,” he says. “But you know the biggest scar I have?”

Jason doesn’t say anything, and Leo takes that as his consent.

He takes a hold of Jasons’ fingers at his wrist and starts dragging them over his body, gently grazing over his stomach and caressing his ribs. He takes his time, lets time turn into honey as he does so; sweet, slow, deliberate. He keeps his gaze on Jason the entire time.

“Here,” Leo says finally, and he flattens Jason’s hand against his heart, forces him to feel the pulse of his heartbeat underneath everything. “You left it here.”

Jason closes his eyes and sighs. His hand shivers against Leo’s chest, probably considering whether he should move it or keep it. But then he lets it rest there, rising and falling with Leo’s breathing, brushes his thumb over Leo’s chest. The warmth of his hand reaches into Leo and roots itself there, forever tied to him.

“I’m sorry,” Jason sighs, his voice escaping his lips like a final breath.

“I told you to stop saying that,” Leo murmurs, but there’s no fire in his words. All he can feel is the weight of the day pressing on his eyelids, slowing his heart, his brain spinning at the sight of Jason’s electric eyes.

“I don’t know what else to say.”

Leo supposes he has a point. It’s not like he gave him an invitation to say anything else. “Don’t say anything, then.”

Jason purses his lips.

Leo shifts his body so that he’s facing Jason in his entirety. He places a delicate hand against Jason’s face and brushes his thumb against his cheekbone, and for a moment he can pretend he’s seventeen, falling in love all over again. He can pretend they never changed.

“I can’t do it, Jason,” Leo says. “I’ve tried moving on. I’ve tried removing you to my past. I’ve tried forgetting about you, leaving you behind. But every time I try, it feels like you’re only dragging me further back. I’m so physically unable to move forward.”

“Why are you saying this?”

“It’s why I’m being so adamant about reminding you.” Leo leans forward and lays his head against Jason’s chest. He tries to steady his breathing to the beat of Jason’s heart. “If I’m going to be stuck in the past, I want you to be, too. I know that’s a really fucked up way to think. And I’m sorry.”

“Why are you stuck in the past?” asks Jason, and Leo’s blood spikes with adrenaline.

“I don’t know,” he admits. “Maybe because after you’ve been through shit, you start feeling the good parts of your past shatter into memories. And you try to hold onto every piece of them that you can, but they’re just moving so fast and all you can do is try to savor the parts that you have in your hand, all those broken particles.”

The air hums with anticipation of Jason’s next words. Leo stares at the crack in the corner of the wall across from them, and tries to ground himself to this moment with him.

“This is going to sound really stupid,” murmurs Jason, “but why can’t you just accept the present? Why can’t you just acknowledge that we’ve changed and just… accept this new us?”

“I already told you, Jason.” Leo slides his head off Jason’s chest and back to his pillow, staring pointedly at the wooden frame of the bed above them. “It’s just so physically impossible. I can’t. I can’t just look at you and see you for who you are now. Every time I look at you, it’s like… I can’t help looking at all the ways you’ve diverged from the Jason I used to know. So, actually, I do acknowledge the change - I just can’t accept it.”

“Is it that you can’t, or that you’re not letting yourself?”

“What’s the fucking difference?”

“Well,” Jason says, turning his head so he’s staring at Leo, but Leo refuses to acknowledge his gaze, “if you really want an answer, then the difference is that something is either physically blocking you, or you’re the only thing blocking you.” Leo turns his head back, and he finds Jason with his eyebrow raised. “Which one do you think you are?”

In all honesty, Leo knows he’s the second one. He knows he’s the only thing stopping himself. Because he refuses to accept the present; if he does, then he accepts Jason, and if he accepts Jason, then what does that mean for him? For their relationship? If he stops seeing Jason as the monster who betrayed him, then he’d get right back to where he started, heartbroken about making his mistake to fall in love with Jason again and inevitably getting his heart ripped out when Jason decides he wants a better life without him.

“Maybe it isn’t that I’m standing in my way,” Leo says. “Maybe it’s that I’m protecting myself.”

“Or being a coward.”

Leo blinks. “Being… what, Jason?”

Jason winces. “Sorry, that was harsh. I didn’t mean it like that. I just meant—”

“I don’t care what you meant. You call this cowardice?” Leo sits up and hooks his eyes against Jason’s, and Jason looks physically in pain, the way his face ashens and the energy in his eyes fizzles out completely. “You call me a coward for trying to save myself from more heartbreak?”

“It isn’t love if you aren’t willing to risk your heart.”

“Fuck you,” spits Leo. “Do you have any fucking idea how much I risked for you? I put my fucking heart on the line, and you snatched it away and left it to rot on the floor. I chose to love you, knowing maybe it would be a bad idea, knowing at some point or another we might fall apart, and that was a big fucking mistake, because all you did was take that love and stomp all over it. And tell me what you fucking risked for me.”

“You want to know what I risked for you?” Now Jason’s sitting up, too, and his eyes have shattered into pieces of glass, ready to sink deep into Leo. “I risked our relationship. Yes, it was a bad idea, and yes, I deserve all the blame for what it left you to, but I didn’t risk our relationship just because I wanted a big fancy life on Topside, Leo. I risked it so that we could have one.”

“And you didn’t think of telling me this before you left?”

“You didn’t even give me a chance.”

“You didn’t tell any of us you were leaving until the day you were leaving!”

“Because they randomly drafted me!” Jason takes a deep breath. “It just hurts, Leo. I just… I wanted a future for us where we could be wrapped in each other’s arms and drink hot chocolate and watch the stars above us without having to ever look back. I wanted a future for us - want a future for us - but it really hurts knowing you don’t want anything but the old us. Like all I worked for was for nothing, because you’re just stuck there.”

“Are you fucking blaming me right now?”

“No, I’m not. I get it. I know I would do the same thing.” Jason sighs and rubs the bridge of his nose. “I’m just saying, it hurts knowing that this is what we’ve come to. And all of it was worth nothing, because I got drafted just to be another pawn to the Topside. So lose-lose, I guess.” Jason hangs his head. “I should’ve asked you guys first. I should’ve gotten your opinion. Instead I just fell into their trap. They didn’t actually want me; they just wanted test subjects. But can you blame me? When you get the opportunity to go to Topside and get the chance to imagine a life better for you and the people you love, there’s just nothing else you can think about. I never meant to hurt you, Leo, or anyone else for that matter. It just all happened too fast for any of us to do anything.”

Leo considers responding. He considers telling Jason that he’s getting really fucking annoyed with the fact that all he’s doing is trying to make this seem like it’s some happy-go-lucky mistake and that he’s some heroic character of the story. Leo wants to tell him to go fuck himself, to just run away from this moment and forget where they are.

But he does none of that.

Leo just looks at him, pushes him back down to the bed, and wraps Jason’s arms around him.

“It was my fault we got on this topic,” he mutters, “but I said we weren’t going to talk about it for the night, and from here on out I don’t want to hear anything else about it.”

Jason stiffens in surprise as Leo envelops himself in his embrace, but then loosens and lets his hands go to all their familiar places — one wrapped around his waist, the other playing with the curls raging on Leo’s head. And Leo closes his eyes, submits to the comfort, the peace, the relief of being in the past again.

~~~~

One second Leo’s swimming in the fuzzy blackness of his eyelids, and the next an orangish haze settles over his vision. He can feel every inch of his body coming back into focus, and the first thing he acknowledges is the pressure on his limbs. He grunts and opens his eyes, only to squeeze them shut again as the harsh morning light tries to penetrate his eyes.

When he blinks the stinging out of them, he finds that he can barely move — something has too strong of a hold on his waist. He tilts his head only to find Jason’s arms around him, and his heart drops all the way down to his stomach.

He doesn’t move for a moment, just closes his eyes again and leans his head into the pillow. Maybe it’s something to do with the familiarity of the moment, feeling the warmth of Jason's body against him, letting his breathing echo around him, allowing himself a brief vision of forever to flash through his mind.

Then he remembers where he is — in the arms of a stranger, not his Jason — and his eyes snap open again.

He takes Jason’s hands, lets the pads of his fingers linger over his own for the briefest second, then tries to gently pry them off. He knows he could just rip them off; he could just yank himself out of Jason’s embrace. But that feels cruel — or maybe he just doesn’t want to do that to himself. It would feel like heartbreak all over again.

Leo gets the first hand out, but by the time he’s touching the second one, Jason starts to shift around. Leo keeps a hold on his breath, hoping that it doesn’t officially wake him up.

Jason finally stills again, and Leo gets back to work. He starts to roll off Jason’s other arm, but he stops in his tracks when he hears Jason groggily mumble, “Where are you going?”

Leo sucks in a breath. He considers lying, saying he just has no room — but then he thinks, Why lie? What does he care if Jason’s feelings are hurt?

“I’m going to go,” he mutters, and he hates how difficult it is to even unstick the words from his tongue. “It’s morning.”

“So?” Jason says it with so much conviction, Leo has to turn his gaze to him. Jason’s eyes are crystal with confusion. “It’s still so early.”

“I promised one night,” says Leo, now sitting up and turning so that his back faces Jason. “You got one night.”

Jason is quiet for a moment. Leo knows he should just get out now, before Jason decides he wants to talk more shit, but he just sits there, watching him. He doesn’t think he can move without feeling like he’s made of metal, heavy and grounded. And Jason’s his magnet, trying to yank him back.

Jason’s fingers linger over Leo’s, his touch just the barest brush against his skin, and Leo has to fight to not take a hold of Jason’s hand and keep it there for the rest of eternity.

“We can’t make a habit of indulging ourselves, Jason,” Leo mutters. But he still hasn’t removed Jason’s hands from his.

“Leo,” Jason sighs. “Please. Just stay.”

Leo shuts his eyes, shuts off all accesses for Jason so that he can’t enter his mind anymore. “I can’t afford making the same mistake again.”

“Is this really what you want? To keep running away from me like this? Do you really just want to avoid accepting the changes that we’ve been through?” Jason’s eyebrows furrow. “To risk losing it all just to protect your heart?”

Leo snaps up. He takes slow, deliberate breaths as he tries to make his way to the door, tries to detach himself from this moment. He has to fight every urge to run back.

“Leo…” Jason’s voice shatters on the floor, betrayal bleeding out of him.

Leo steps out the door. His fingers linger over the wooden frame, but he doesn’t completely close it; he turns back around to face Jason instead. This distance might be a good start.

“You’re not getting it,” mutters Leo. “I hate the changed you. I hate knowing you’re not the same person, and the fact you want something new with me scares me because I’m not the same person, either. I don’t want a future; I just want the past. And, yeah, maybe that’s a little fucked up — maybe it’s impossible — but I can’t help it. I hate the changed you because it just reminds me of everything we’ve lost, of everything we’re missing.”

Jason just stares at him, his gaze piercing through the thickening silence. Then he narrows his eyes and leans back in bed, falling forward under the weight of defeat.

“What do I have to lose?” He locks his eyes on Jason. “I’ve already lost it all.”

And he shuts the door.

#my writing #valgrace #arcane au #leo valdez #jason grace #riordanverse

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