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couldntbedamned · 4 months

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Back to Where You've Never Been - Chapter 14

Summary: In an alternate reality, Peter Parker is living out his dream of being Spider-Man and working as an intern for Stark Industries (and the Avengers!) under his hero, Tony Stark, before heading off to college. For the most part, it's incredible. Okay, the Avengers treat him like he's still a child, and Mr. Stark's not exactly the friendliest mentor. But still, it's good.

Except that recently, Mr. Stark's been in the worst mood and Peter finds himself the unwitting focus of the man's ire. He tries to keep his spirits up and tell himself that it's not personal, that anyone in the lab would be a target, but when Mr. Stark kicks him out, Peter knows he's done.

Then he finds himself falling for what feels like an eternity before returning to New York. Only it's not his New York City and the Iron Man he ends up fighting alongside is definitely not his Iron Man. Anthony Stark is kind of perfect. The Other Avengers are kind of perfect. Everyone here seems to love him. And when he and Anthony are tapped by Dr. Strange to help seal the rift between realities, Peter finds himself wondering if he was supposed to be in the reality with Anthony all along.

Warnings (or AO3 tags): Peter Parker needs a Hug, Tony Stark has Issues, Peter Parker Whump, Tony Stark is a Dick, Alternate Tony Stark is Perfect, Alternate Avengers are Perfect, Peter Parker is of Legal Age, Pain. Lots of Pain.

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Chapter 14 - 6:02 AM EST

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New York City rejoices when they realize that their hero - Spider-Man - has returned.

A few news sources question the change in his suit - apparently the red and blue is missed. But the silver, blue - Anthony's blue - and black aren't going anywhere. This suit is his last tie to the life - and man - he'd loved.

He doesn't patrol nearly as often as he used to before that fateful day in Mr. Stark's lab. It's an ordeal again, getting to a secure place, suiting up, and then slinging up and away. It's a pain in the ass to make his web-fluid in the kitchen he shares with May. And most of all, he resents the need for secrecy.

He remembers how wonderful it had been to just be Peter Starr, aka Spider-Man and not have to worry about the people he loved being in danger. He remembers what Steve said with such conviction.

"We don't hide behind masks."

He'd been free, in a way.

He thinks about actually doing it, about revealing his identity to the world and taking his chances. Then guilt roils in him until he's sick in the stomach. He can't risk his Aunt May like that, or MJ or Ned. It's so selfish to even think about it!

It was simpler, Over There, he thinks.

Life was better Over There.

He finds that he's resenting being stuck Over Here. Everything he's once loved now feels tainted somehow. He doesn't like it at all and he especially doesn't like how he's starting to feel apathetic.

"We need a plan."

If it was like before, when Peter was still with them - with him - where he belongs, Anthony would tease Steve for how serious he's being.

But this is no time to tease. The stakes are far too high.

"Agreed," he says. He looks at America. "How does this magical girl star power thing of yours work?"

America considers. "I concentrate really heard about where I want to go. Then I just sort of, you know, punch a hole in reality and step through. Once I'm through it closes."

"And you haven't noticed any deterioration of the realities?" Strange asks.

"No," she says emphatically. "No, and I spent a lot of time studying up on it during all of my travels."

"How do we make sure we're hitting the right reality?" Hope asks. "I don't want to risk inter-dimensional war."

"I think if I had something of Peter's, from before, it would help me focus." America looks at Anthony. "Did he have anything on him when he fell through?"

"Just his suit and web shooters."

"Do you still have them? The web shooters?"

Anthony nods in answer to Sam's question. "Yeah. I couldn't bring myself to throw them out." The web shooters and suit are in a little box in the back of his closet. They were his last tie to the man he'd loved.

"Okay. We make it Over There. What then?" Steve asks.

"We need to make sure we're not risking civilians," Sharon says. "And we need to be careful. They're still Avengers and from everything Peter said, they're considered heroes there like we are here. The public probably won't take a group attacking them too well."

Anthony scowls. He doesn't like the idea of those people being considered heroes. Not when they were so terrible to Peter.

They talk through the plan, poking holes in it where they can and refining until they have something solid.

Then Bucky speaks for the first time.

"We can't just steal him back."

"I'm sorry, what?" Anthony bites out. "You've been in on this planning session with the rest of us and you're just now offering your thoughts?"

"Look, we know he didn't want to go back, but if we just show up and forcibly take him, are we any better than they are?"

"He's happy here," Wanda argues.

"I know that!" Bucky exclaims. "And I want him back just as much as you all do. I'm just saying that he deserves to be able to choose to come back." He looks at them all. "You know I'm right."

Anthony runs a hand over his face. "Yeah, we know." Then he sighs. "He'll probably say no."

"You don't know that," Bruce says.

"It's who he is," Anthony argues. "His whole thing is ignoring anything he wants if he thinks it will make others happy, because... because..."

"Because he doesn't think he deserves to be happy," Nat finishes.

"We can least offer him the choice," Pietro says. "We can give him that, which is more than they ever have."

"And we can kick their asses," Ava adds fiercely. "They have it coming."

"They certainly do," Steve agrees, shocking them all. "What?" He adds defensively at the incredulous looks. "I never said they don't suck!"

"I need you to know that I'm so proud of you, Spangles. So proud," Anthony tells him. "One day you'll learn to swear properly."

Bucky snorts. "Remind me to share some stories from the Commando days."

"I don't think that will be necessary," Steve says with a sheepish look.

"We should all get some rest," Strange advises. "This trip is going to take a lot out of us."

"Do you know how this turns out?" Anthony asks him after the others have filtered out and it's just the two of them.

Strange's face is blank. "I can't answer that," he says. "I know it's not what you want to hear but it's all I can say."

"Your job sucks," Anthony says after a few moments.

"It's not without its difficulties and frustrations," Strange admits.

"Any sightings?" Tony asks.

There have been no sightings of Spider-Man since last week, Sir.

Tony sighs and rubs his face. It used to be that the kid couldn't get enough of his patrolling. He was always chomping at the bit to be free of his classes so he could suit up and sling around the city helping anyone he could. Peter isn't even coming to the Tower so he can make his web fluid. For all that Tony had wanted Peter out of the line of heavy fire, he almost wishes the kid was fighting bad guys on the regular like he'd been so determined to do.

"Keep your eyes open, J."

Of course, Sir.

"Tony?"

He turns to see Pepper leaning against the doorway to his lab. He searches his mind and frowns when it comes up blank. "Did I forget a board meeting or otherwise important shindig?"

"No," she says softly. "But you have been forgetting to sleep."

"I'm not sure I know how," he says. "Pep, I messed up, so much worse than I could have imagined and I don't know how to fix it. He won't talk to any of us and he's hardly going out as Spider-Man, either."

"He's not the boy you knew," she says, moving over to him and cupping his face while he looks up at her with saddened eyes. "He did an awful lot of growing up while he was gone and he's never going to be the Peter he was before."

"I was just trying to keep him safe and away from all of this, you know, before. I know I'm an unbearable ass when you go on vacation and I'm left in charge of everything but knowing that I hurt him the way I did kills me. And realizing just how unfair we've been to him? We were terrible and I was the worst of us. And it doesn't even matter how much I apologize, because he's not going to accept. I can't even blame him for that, either."

"All you can do is give him time. And maybe give him that data stick that he had on him when you all pulled him back."

He rolls his chair back and stands up. "I never have been the patient type," he admits. "But since I can't just build him a new suit, I suppose I should make sure he gets this data stick. I'm not sure I see the point; if he's homesick for that place, it might just make it worse."

"Tony."

He sighs. "Yeah, you're right as usual, Ms. Potts."

He calls for one of the Iron Legion and sends the Mark 47 to the kid's apartment, data stick in hand with a message: You had this on you when you came over, must have fallen out of your pocket during all of the hustle and bustle.

Pepper leaves after securing his promise that he'll catch a few hours on the lab futon. He actually means it, too.

He looks around, wishing he'd been in a state to properly appreciate the last time Peter came bouncing through the doors to the lab, cheerful and ready to work.

He'll probably never get that again.

'You really are the worst, Tony," he mutters to himself.

Peter looks at the data stick the Mark 47 had given him.

He's so glad to have it back; he'd promised Anthony he'd take care of it and he'd lost it! Hell, he'd forgotten all about it!

"Hey Gwen, can you interface with this?"

The nanites in one of Peter's web shooters reform to accept the data stick and plugging it in, he pulls on his mask and lays down on his bed.

“Hey, Pete. If you’re viewing this, then I guess you made your choice, and it was to go back.”

"I didn't!" he wants to scream at Holo-Anthony. "I didn't chose to come back here! I wasn't going to leave!"

But Holo-Anthony can't hear him, of course.

His heart breaks over and over again as he watches the message Anthony had prepared for him, just in case.

“Maybe this whole recording thing is a no-starter - miracles happen - and you’ve chosen to stay. But either way, Peter, there’s two things I need you to know. One is that I love you, more than I thought I’d ever be able to love anyone. And the second is that you, Peter Starr, are the very best of any of us. Okay.” Holo-Anthony nods with tears brimming in his eyes. “I’m done.”

Before he can scream or cry, video starts playing.

“J, give Peter here the same access and rights as me, outside of the Core files."

Very well. Mr. Parker, I am at your disposal.

“Say something to him,” Anthony prompts. “Ask him anything.”

“What do you like to do for fun, JARVIS?” Peter asks.

There are several hackers within SHIELD that I enjoy shutting down on an almost-daily basis. I also spend time interfacing with my brothers.

“The bots Anthony built?”

Yes.

“That’s really nice,” Peter tells JARVIS. He looks at Anthony, delighted.

“You’re just full of surprises, aren’t you Peter Parker?” Anthony grins. “I don’t think anyone living here has ever asked J that before, have they, J?”

They have not, Sir. Including yourself.

Anthony rolls his eyes. “Oh please, J, you know I love you.”

Peter tells Gwen to pause the video and clenches his eyes shut. That had been his first night Over There and officially one of the best nights of his entire life. He'd been warm and safe and without the consistent pangs of hunger that had plagued him for years. He'd met Anthony. Seeing it again just makes the pain of being trapped Over Here worse.

He lays in bed, miserable. He half wishes that Mr. Stark had just kept the damned data stick.

Hopefully Mr. Stark hadn't seen anything on it; that would be too humiliating. What would Mr. Stark even think of him, falling in love with Anthony the way he did? And the dietary needs? Mr. Stark and the others would probably just think he's some helpless little charity case.

Maybe he should look for a real job. He can make money that way and since he's not patrolling and has no interest in attending NYU, he'll have plenty of free time. He hasn't really had so much free time since he started working on the...

He sits up suddenly.

“...First and foremost is your whole healing the reality barriers deal, since one, it’s brilliant and two, I can’t imagine you not carrying on back Over There."

The barriers! How could he have forgotten?

"Way to get self-absorbed, Peter," he mutters to himself. "You really are the worst." He suits up and climbs out the window. He has a sorcerer to see.

They're quiet as they congregate in the lab where Peter had been taken. Hank and Janet are present, both eager to observe America's powers at work.

"We shouldn't be too long," Anthony assures them.

He's waved off. "We were in the superhero game before you were even in school," Janet tells him. "We still have some tricks up our sleeve if anyone decides to cause trouble while you're gone."

Hank nods. "Don't underestimate the ants."

Well, that is a terrifying thought, Anthony thinks, looking around. There's a restlessness in the air despite the early hour.

Sharon checks her powered garrotes and Natasha fiddles with her Widow's Bites. Clint is rearranging the arrows in his quiver while Bucky flips one of his knives. The others are similarly nervous.

Anthony is regretting the third cup of coffee he drank after waking up; he has visions of vibrating out of the suit mid-reality jump and somehow dying. He shakes his head. America has assured them it's safe and she's the expert.

"Is this everyone?" Strange asks as he portals in.

"We're just waiting on our friendly ghost," Anthony says. "JARVIS said she's on a slight delay.. She'll be here in a few minutes."

"Is she up for this?" Steve asks Sam. "I know she's been struggling."

"Oh, she's more than ready," Sam insists. "She's probably just drinking that stabilizing tonic Janet created for her to make sure there are no mishaps."

Ava enters the lab suited up and ready to go.

"We good?" Anthony asks.

She nods, a hard glint in her eyes. "We're good."

"Remember the plan," Steve says as they gather in a circle. "We've probably only got one shot at this, so let's stay focused and show them just how hard we're willing to fight for Peter." He looks at America. "Whenever you're ready."

America pulls the web shooter out of her pocket. She holds it tightly, closes her eyes, and takes several deep breaths. When her eyes open, they're glowing white. She steps out of the circle, turns, and with the hand holding the web shooter punches forward into the empty air.

The air splits into the shape of a giant star and through it they can see the different reality's Central Park. She steps through the star and pauses. She looks at the web shooter and then out at the park, searching for something only she can see. Then she turns around to face them.

"This is it. Come on through."

They jump through in two's and three's until the last one through is Strange, who does one of his sparkling circle things and makes the star disappear.

"It's in the mirror dimension. That way no one can accidentally wander through."

"Smart," Nat says.

"Alright. Let's do this," Anthony says.

Tony startles awake when the alarms go off in the Tower. He glances over at the clock.

6:02 AM EST.

"J, give me the scoop," he mumbles.

There appears to be a temporal distortion near Central Park. I've attempted to surveil the area but all camera feeds are currently non-functional.

Tony groans. "Well, better go see what AIM is up to this time. I assume the others are on their way to the location?"

They are indeed.

"I'll be there in a few," he said, calling his suit up and flying through one of the access hatches.

There's nothing there, when they all arrive. Sure, it feels weird, the place, but it's as empty as Central Park can be just after six in the morning.

"There's nothing here," Nat says. "Something is off, but nothing's here."

"Let's fan out," Steve suggests. "Stay on the comms, though."

The energy signatures have them moving around through the park, not nearly as spread out as Steve was hoping for. But the way they moved here, then there, then forward, to the side...

They were being herded.

Doctor Strange isn't at the Sanctum.

At least, that's what Wong tells him.

"When will he be back?" Peter asks.

Wong looks torn.

"Oh, just let him in!" come the good doctor's voice.

"You're supposed to be sleeping," Wong scolds, turning back to where Strange is coming down the stairs in a robe that's far shorter than Peter ever wanted to see the man wear.

"Please. I'm used to thirty hour days," Strange says. "I'm good for another ten hours at least." He motions for Peter to come inside. "How can the Sorcerer Supreme be of assistance?"

"When I was Over There, I was helping Anth- I was helping Mr. Stark and the others with stabilizing the barriers between reality so that that Dr. Strange and other Dr. Stranges could work on fixing them. And I know I've been selfish and having the world's biggest pity party since this Mr. Stark and these Avengers pulled me back here, but I was hoping I might be able to help you with it, too. I'm just sorry it's taken so long to reach out."

"Taking time to grieve isn't selfish, Mr. Parker," Strange says. "And if you want to share your strategy for stabilizing the barriers, I'd be happy to hear it." He pauses. "But it's not your job, just so you know."

Peter frowns. "But it was, Over There. Why would Over Here be any different?"

"I can't answer that," Strange says cryptically. "Just know that the situation will be handled."

He doesn't understand, not at all. Why was the other Doctor Strange so insistent while this one is so unconcerned?

"Can I offer you some tea?" Strange asks.

It's early in the morning, just after six.

"Actually, that would be nice. Over There spoiled me for coffee so hot tea is about all I can stand, caffeine-wise."

"You speak of that reality fondly," Strange says once they're seated, each with a cup of tea and saucer.

"I was going to stay," Peter admits. "I didn't choose to come back."

"I'm sorry for how things worked out," Strange tells him. "And for my part in assisting them in their endeavor."

Peter shrugs. "I could have been stuck in a hell dimension for all you guys knew."

"I was fairly certain that wasn't the case," Strange says. "They were very insistent that they needed to save you and make things right."

That has Peter rolling his eyes. "They can't make it right," he says. "I didn't deserve to be treated the way they treated me and I don't think I can forgive them for any of it."

"I was so happy," Peter says after a few minutes. "I was in love. For the first time in my life I felt like I belonged and coming back here has been a nightmare. One they caused."

"You don't have to justify your feelings to me." Strange refills Peter's cup with more of the steaming tea. "And you're well within your rights to forgive or not forgive any of us."

Peter thinks about that. "I'll probably forgive everyone eventually," he admits. "I'm not built for grudges. I always feel bad for keeping them, even if letting them go feels like losing."

Strange chuckles. "You have such a kind heart, Mr. Parker. That's something to cherish."

The area they all end up in is deserted at the early hour, even though New York City almost never slept.

"I don't like this," Sam says. "Something ain't right."

"Agreed, but this is where the energy signatures stopped and we ne-"

There's the sound of a repulsor and Tony goes flying back into the side of one of the brick buildings.

A blue suit appears - an Iron Man! - and the face plate lifts to show another Tony Stark - Peter's Anthony. The Other Avengers plus a teenage girl and another Doctor Strange surround them, crackling into the reality from that damned mirror dimension that apparently all Doctor Stranges love so much.

"What the hell was that for?" Tony asks, pulling himself up to face his hovering counterpart.

"You took something that doesn't belong to you," Anthony says with narrowed eyes. "We've come to bring him back."

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#couldntbedamned fic #starker #starker au #anthony stark x peter parker #peter parker x anthony stark #au tony stark #au avengers #pain. lots of pain.#tony stark x peter parker #peter parker x tony stark

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builtlikeastickofcelery · 6 months

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get up cocksuckers were personalposting on main !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i can literally and viscerally feel the end of my relationship coming??????????????????????????????????? and like,,,,,,,,,i knew it obviously bc we're young and were pretty different but DAMN i did not think it would Hurt like this bc it never has bc i never emotionally attach myself (to romantic relationships specifically on purpose!!!!!!!!! like jesus christ we should be similar on paper but no !!!!!!!! our senses of humor are completely different and that is the only way i know how to connect with people !!!!!!!!!!!!! what the fuck am i supposed to do????????? and theyre always telling me i shoulld probably get a therapist, or get medication, etc etc and !!!! i cannot do those things!! i have tried!!!!!!! but i dont want to say that to them bc their last (really really shitty ex) was the type of person to say things that were obvious cries for help and then brush them off for some sort of attention and i have been repeatedly told that there is nothing i need treatment for by doctors !!!!!!!!!!!!! i dont know what to do.

also its fair to mention that they are Pretty White and have a very different family dynamic to mine, which, despite being very minimally east asian is still pretty east asian, and also that while both our families are solidly upper middle class they live in a higher income area of our town super close to where the rich rich people live and constantly refer to/make jokes about it being better (not on purpose and i don't think they get why it bothers me a little). i dont know how to talk to them about this without sounding like a nepo baby trying to convince the public they were a struggling self-made actor. and ofc if it falls apart itll probably be my fault bc i dont know how to talk to them about things that bother me bc i dont want to be like their shitty and weird and creepy ex (who is in one of my classes and is constantly trying to make eye contact with me and tried to get my number as well).

i like them a lot, and also crushed super bad on them for 6 months before we started dating and two years ago when i met them i sort of liked them aswell, but more and more im realizing that i dont even know if i wanted to be with them or just be them -> be whiter (i have JOURNALED about this!!!!!!!!!!!!) especially when i realize that were different in too many ways and also that i dont know how to be emotionally vulnerable with them specifically bc of that!!!!!!!! a lot of their friends rn are slightly not stable (or really not stable) and i dont know how to say any of this to them without fucking up their mental state. not to mention that october-december was a really shitty time for them last year and also that i dont want to be the one who ends things because i still really super like them but at the same time sort of resent them for having things i want??????????? but not when im with or near them only when im getting insecure in my rroom which has been happening a lot for some reason!!!!! also two of their very close friends (one is a mutual friend of ours but she's closer to them) are both really weird about us dating at least to me, like the mutual friend lied to me about them not liking me for seemingly no reason right before we got together which significantly delayed it and the other.......i dont even know she jsut always gives me weird looks whenever she sees me and whenever i take the bus with them they sit together and she locks me out of the conversation. i also dont know her very well, so idk.

plus my partner has a weird habit of not engaging with me at all whatsoever (as in having a conversation with another person while also sitting fairly far away from me or not talking to me at all annd staring at their phone) but then being annoyed when i dont try to join to conversation or engage with them. its also fair to note that they are allistic and tbh as someone with a lot of adhd/autistic tendencies (i sort of Suspect myself of audhd but i can never be sure) it actually affects the relationship for me which is insane bc usually i dont Feel it like that. like im fairly certain i mask ??????/ (again no clear diagnosis other than family history of being undiagnosed w/ something) and while i dont mask around my close friends i do still mask, even if its not as heavily, around my partner, who ive known longer than some of those friends. the only time i wasn't masking in some sort of way while we were dating was a day when i was so drained i also ended up sleeping on their couch for like thirty minutes bc i could barely stay awake. i just dont know what to do. in the past ive usually been the person more innvested or into the relationship and i can almost feel that happening again and i dont know why or how.

anyway no pressure t9o reply or annythhing to tthis i just nneeded to get this out into the air

#personal post #vent #<- sorta????

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devisrina · 11 months

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(I have no idea if you've answered this b4) Who's ur fav? Benvi, Bela-Eric, or Danny/Mindy (Ryan/Kelly is not an option)?

Hello Anon! I actually have not answered this before. So I might have to describe each ship, so I can give you the gist of which is my favourite.

To be straightforward- My favourite is Bela Malhotra and Eric Miller.

And Because I love talking about these ships, I'm going to give you the rundown of how I view each ship and if I like them or not.

(SIDE NOTE: This is going to become a long post.)

Danny and Mindy - THEY ARE AN ABSOLUTE NO FOR ME. I have never liked them one bit. He was alright in season 1, and I did sort of see the potential. But if I'm being honest, I preferred Josh, Casey, Sam, and even Brendan Delaurier over that misogynistic dickhead.

And in season 2 of TMP, I preferred Cliff Gilbert Over any other love interest she had in that show. He was smart, sweet, and had nice banter with her. He genuinely had an interest in her. And it pissed me off so much how they ruined his character to make DANNY of all people seem to like her better match.

And believe it or not, it got worse. DANNY LITERALLY SA'd her in season 3 episode 4. And this issue got 'resolved' by him explaining to her that he was insecure about his experience and wanted to try it out. LIKE BITCH DO YOU NOT KNOW HOW TO COMMUNICATE, WITH words? He literally made her feel bad for something that he did when he violated her.

Ben and Devi - They are pretty neutral to me. I don't actually dislike them, nor do I love them. If you asked me in season 1 if I was either Team Ben or Team Paxton, I would've 100% said, Team Ben.

But now, I kind of just think that they kept fucking with their storyline. I got tired of the fact that we didn't even really see them date and how they would be in a relationship. I genuinely don't think that they would be toxic, they were really cute in season 4. But another thing that annoyed me quite a lot was the lack of communication, and the fact that Eleanor and Fabiola kind of push her away from ever really expressing to Ben how much she likes him. Like, Ben wants Devi to be open about her feelings, it really doesn't matter if she comes off looking uncool or not.

Also, I kind of liked how realistic Ben was in season 1 in comparison to how he is in the other seasons. In season 1, he was kind of like a mixture of himself and Ethan in the way he would respond to Devi. Like the way, he was just kind of chill and more grounded. they just made him super cocky in seasons 2 and 3 and then tried to give him growth beyond that. It was clear he kind of held a bit of resentment towards her after she broke his heart. I just wish that they quit trying to hit the replay button with them. They could've had more scenes together.

Bela and Eric - They are my favourites! They are the vibes, and like Quinn from Kappa says, "We have to preserve the vibes."

And I love to proclaim myself as one of the people who defended Eric even before season 2. I just thought he was capable of growing and changing. And I love how chill and unfazed he is by Bela, he sort of just accepts her for who she is. I love it so fucking much. It's not cringe, and it's very natural in comparison to Ben and Devi. I just see Bela and Eric as their ages and the writing team does a good job of connecting them to college life.

Because with Devi, you can kind of see when 'Mindy Kaling Dialogue' is set for her. And I wince every time I have to hear something along the lines of that. But with Bela, because the actress who plays her has this charisma where she doesn't really care what other people say, it just works. I know, Bela is insecure when it comes to how people view her, whether it is with her comedy writing, boys, making friends etc. The actress doesn't get enough credit for her variety and range.

Just to disclose, I am a Bela supporter. I think the fandom is too rude towards her, the fact that some of them even compare her to Ryan is truly gross to me. I don't like that she cheated on Eric, but it also kind of bothers me to see how many people were quick to dislike her. Especially since everything Eric says kind of gets swept under the rug the minute Bela does something shitty. And let's be honest, people love the 360 development of the 'asshole who is not so much of an asshole' and it happened with Eric. He literally heard her tell him that she was being ordered around by the comedian, and he just swivels in and takes the opportunity. Bela is not Innocent, what she did was horrible, and while the thing he did was not as wrong, it was still a shitty move. I've seen people dislike Bela since season 1, people will just jump at the chance to dislike her. And she got assaulted last season, and people overlook that because the narrative doesn't lead us into it. Like yes, the show is kind of shit when it comes to following up on major plot points, like with Whitney literally being Gr**med. But that doesn't mean that it didn't happen. It clearly affected her.

And people like to use the handjobs as a reflection of Bela always being sex-crazed. No, it just REINFORCES that she was broken even before college. She had all of this cultural pressure on her, she never had many friends, and she was nerdy and uncool. She had such a bad and negative view of herself before, so she's sadly just giving into any attention she might get even if it's bad.

And I think Eric would've been a good influence on her if they made a better choice in the way they wrote them. He warmed up to her in ep 10, he kind of just looked annoyed with her in Episode 1 of Season 2. There wasn't even any room left for subtext. After he gave her advice, and she left, he could've been seen looking at her walking away before he slowly closed the door. It could've been a parallel moment to the caution tape scene in the quad.

And the reason I loved Bela and Eric so much is that he was essentially who she would've been if she was more security with herself. Like, notice how she likes his glasses and his nerdy comedy vibe. He is the version that connects her to her old self where she was nerdy and loved comedy. Of course, she still loves comedy, but she tried to feed into that cool girl vibe. And that shows a lot about how she is with Priya. She is so insecure when she sees Priya's glow up and her jealousy of seeing how quick she got along with everyone kind of hurt her. It is wrong that she was projecting onto her, and it's not okay to be rude to people because they look nicer.

I think the most infuriating thing Bela did for me was when she was with Jorjia and ruined everything with the foxy. Evangeline and Jo were really on her side and it makes me sad that she self-sabotaged.

I do believe that Bela and Eric could get back together. But I think they need to develop a better connection as friends. Without the benefits lol.

I'm thinking that maybe they could have an encounter where they both have the same internship. At this point in time, Bela might be at another school if she did follow through with the transfer. Or she could still be in Essex, but they just don't talk to each other. Eric is mad at first and Bela doesn't blame him. Maybe there is a point where she helps him gain more exposure, and he kind of sees this as a silver lining. Like maybe she has changed. During this, Eric decides to let her in more and they have a nice friendship. He might try dating someone else for a bit, and Bela helps him navigate it because she doesn't want to be jealous or rude. I want her to go through therapy during this, so she can self-reflect. I think at some point Bela and Eric could have a moment where they almost kiss or gaze intently into each other's eyes. They kind of just brush it off, and Bela thinks everything is okay and it was a heat of the moment, thinking he didn't feel anything. But Eric wanted to kiss her. He might quit dating the girl afterwards because he realised he still has feelings for Bela. And because he's Eric, he kind of doesn't know how to deal with this, so he kind of pushes Bela away anytime they are at the internship and Bela asks him if he was okay.

And there could be a point where he almost sabotages the internship for himself and he bursts out the door. Bela could follow him out. Then she'd be like. "I have tried so hard to get on your good side. What else do you want?" It's kind of like a parallel to the summer theta party where Eric asks her what she wants.

Then he's feeling a mixture of conflict, anger, and everything above. But he knows he can't blame her. "I-I'm just mad."

And she shouts. "Why?!"

Then he's like. "Because you made end things with ____"

And she's all confused. "Why is that my fault?"

And then there is a moment of silence and the tension is thick. And she's like. "Well?"

And then he's like. "God damn it Bela-" and then he leans forward and they both know what is about to happen next when he kisses her.

It's all passionate, and then he releases for a second when they have to breathe, and they're all wide-eyed and their lips are swollen. And he says "Because she wasn't you."

And then following it, they slowly take their relationship slow. They talk to each other about their feelings, and they become an official couple this time.

So yeah, I didn't expect this to be such a long post. But yeah, thanks for the question!

#The sex lives of college girls #Bela Malhotra #Eric Miller #Bela x Eric #Eric x Bela #tslocg #slocg

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my-head-is-an-animal · 2 years

Text

Honesty Is The Best Policy

John Dee x Reader/OFC

Word Count: 2315

Summary: After getting tired of everything going wrong in your life, a stranger by the name of John Dee changes the way you look at things.

I stood up, tired of sitting on a bench, tired of feeling sorry for myself, tired of life being so difficult. But I did not anticipate walking straight into a very solid figure and having the wind knocked out of me.

‘Oh, god, sorry!’ I exclaimed, looking up to see the middle-aged man I had just randomly slammed into. ‘So sorry.’ I said again.

‘That’s alright,’ he said. ‘Wasn’t looking where I was going either.’ He gave a slight grimace. ‘Are you alright?’ His eyebrows knitted together.

‘Oh, yes, fine.’ I nodded, but I could taste salt. I closed my eyes for a moment, feeling the last of my energy disappearing. ‘No, actually, I’m not.’

‘Then why would you say you were?’

I had to chuckle. ‘I don’t know. It’s become habit by now I guess.’

‘It’s an awful habit to get into.’ He said simply.

‘It’s also a very tiring one.’ I nodded.

He gave a quick nod and gestured to the bench, I had to admit, I wasn’t ready to leave the park just yet and the sun was starting to go down.

‘What’s your name?’ He asked as we sat back down.

‘Sarah. Yours?’

‘John.’

He kept a careful distance between us, I suppose he was unsure how close to sit.

‘Why don’t you tell me why you got into the habit of lying in the first place?’ John folded his hands in his lap, it was only then I noticed he was wearing pyjamas. How odd.

I thought for a moment, looking over at the fountain in the middle of the park.

‘I suppose when you tell people you’re not fine,’ I swallowed nervously. ‘There’s a sort of sigh they do, as if you’re about to zap all their energy away. People don’t really want to hear about how not fine we are, even our friends don’t want to hear it. No one has the energy for anyone anymore. It’s just easier on everyone to pretend you’re fine.’

‘It’s not easier on you.’ John frowned.

‘No.’ I looked back at John, his blue eyes scanning me curiously. ‘But that’s my point, people would rather believe a nice lie than hear a heart breaking truth.’

John half smiled. ‘Not me.’ He shook his head. ‘I hate people who lie. Truth is always better. Will you tell me the truth?’

I couldn’t help a small smile appearing on my face. ‘Okay.’ I swallowed. ‘Maybe it’ll do me some good.’

‘I think it would be very good for both of us.’

There was something so kind and gentle about his face, soothing in a way, something that made me feel like my truths would be safe in his hands.

‘Okay, what would you like to know?’ I asked, curious about where this conversation would take me.

John thought for a moment. ‘We’ll start easy and don’t worry if you think it sounds selfish or horrific, I just want to hear the truth.’

‘Okay.’ I nodded.

‘Do you love your parents?’

It was an odd question to start with, but easier than others. I thought about it for a moment.

‘Sometimes, not always.’ I felt a small relief, I had never admitted to that before. ‘Sometimes I resent my dad, when I was younger, I wanted him to be proud of me, so I just did whatever he asked. I wanted to act, but he told me I should have a back up that would help in some way, like Sports Science.’

‘You don’t like sport?’

‘I do,’ I nodded. ‘Well, some sports. I like learning about the human body, it’s incredible the things it can do, but it wasn’t my passion and I didn’t enjoy it as much as I wanted to. I should have studied acting. I even met with an agent one who wanted to sign me on.’

‘What happened?’

‘I was fourteen and my dad said no.’ I felt a lump forming in my throat. ‘Thing is, it’s an industry where second chances don’t come around that often.’

‘You feel you missed out?’

‘Yeah.’ I whispered. ‘I blame him for me not making it.’

John nodded, there seemed to be something of relief in his eyes. ‘What about your mother?’

‘Oh, she’s just…’ I tried to think of the right words. ‘She’s just very disappointed. I’m nearly thirty and she still treats me like a child who can’t dress herself. I think she always wanted me to be this elegant young woman, but I don’t wear satin tops, I wear bands t-shirts and, in her eyes,… it’s all just very disappointing.’

‘I am sorry you’ve been treated so poorly.’

‘It’s not all bad.’ I shook my head. ‘My dad and I share a love of music, I told him I wanted to learn to play the guitar, we went out that afternoon and he got me my first acoustic guitar and a book to learn from. We would spend hours in the basement playing simple songs and he always encouraged me to learn something just a little more challenging every time. And my mum loved to paint, she taught me how to draw.’ I swallowed back the tears that were forming. ‘So, sometimes I love my parents. There’s been a lot of ups and downs.’

‘There always are.’ John mused, observing me closely.

‘What about you?’ I asked, hoping to get the same honesty in return.

John gave a sad smile. ‘I never knew my father, but my mother was an awful woman.’

‘I’m so sorry.’

‘She had me put in prison, you know?’

‘Prison?’ I exclaimed, suddenly not feeling so safe.

‘Well, she called in a psychiatric hospital, but it was basically a prison.’ John explained, but there was still something haunting about him. ‘I wasn’t allowed to leave because they thought I would hurt more people, my mother only visited when she wanted something of mine, but I never gave it up.’

‘You hurt people?’

John’s eyes snapped to mine, I felt fear trickling down my spine. ‘Only in self defence… are you afraid of me, Sarah?’

I inhaled deeply, honesty was the best policy. ‘Yes, I am. I’m scared you’ll hurt me.’

‘You’ve given me no reason to.’ He said, earnestly and I really did believe him. ‘You haven’t lied or tried to hurt me… and I like your honesty, it’s refreshing. Don’t you feel better for it?’

It wasn’t until he asked that I actually realised that I did feel better for getting those things off my chest.

‘Yes, I do.’ I admitted.

‘Maybe we could keep talking for a while, I think we’d both feel a lot better for it.’ John smiled a really rather kind smile and as long as we were in public with cameras everywhere, then maybe it wasn’t so bad.

‘Okay.’ I nodded.

‘Good, so are you in a relationship with anyone?’

I inhaled deeply once again, thinking about whether I should just get up and leave, but something in his earnest look kept me in my seat.

‘No.’ I shook my head. ‘I was, but it didn’t end well.’

‘Abusive?’

‘Not exactly.’ I swallowed, nervously, no being careful with my words. ‘He slept with someone else.’

‘I see.’ John nodded, moving his gaze away from mine to look at the park around us.

‘What about you?’

‘Oh good gracious, no.’ He chuckled. ‘I’ve never found anyone good enough for me to entertain in that way.’

I frowned, it seemed like such an odd way to respond.

‘You seem surprised.’ He commented.

‘I suppose I’m surprised that it isn’t the other way around,’ I confessed. ‘Most people would assume that they aren’t good enough for someone else.’

‘Do you think that?’

‘When my boyfriend slept with someone else, it was hard to think much else.’

John nodded and stayed quiet for a moment.

‘May I ask something rather forward?’ John shifted just a little closer, but still not intrusively.

‘Sure.’ I gave a curious smile, wondering where he was going with this.

‘I would like to ask you to go out with me,’ John said, fidgeting a little more. ‘But I would like to know something before I think about asking… would you be able to stay honest? Never lie?’

I took a much deeper breath and thought for a while. It wasn’t what I expected to happen that evening, John seemed nice enough, harmless as long as you kept by his rules, but to spend a prolonged amount of time with him may have been more than I could handle.

‘I think I could say yes to a date, I could be completely honest for an evening,’ I swallowed nervously. ‘But I need the small lies in my life. I just don’t think I could give you what you were looking for long term and I don’t think you could give me what I am looking for.’

John looked up at me with his clear blue eyes and smiled, nodding. ‘The most hurtful about that is I believe you. And in some ways I feel you might be wrong, but perhaps you’re right.’

I smiled with him; he seemed so easy going in this new light. ‘Besides, you can’t tell me you find me that attractive, I know what I look like.’

John’s smile faded as a small frown appeared between his brows. ‘What exactly is it you think you look like?’

I shook my head, not expecting to be asked that question. ‘Well, you can see me, I’m so plain and uninteresting, there’s nothing unique or eye catching about me. I’m just average, in every sense.’

John suddenly let a breathy laugh go, shaking his head. ‘That is the first thing you’ve said that is entirely false, Sarah.’

‘I’m not lying.’ I felt my heart pumping a little faster, unsure of what John might do.

‘I believe you, well, I believe that you think so.’ John said, turning his body to face me slightly. ‘When we bumped into each other a few moments ago, I thought your eyes were quite stunning, they were full of water admittedly, but there was something about your sadness that caught me off guard. And I don’t think you’re giving yourself enough credit where plain and average are concerned. There’s nothing unattractive about you, plain is better than ugly and average is smoother than unique. I like smooth, very much.’

I could feel the smile forming on my lips, somehow he had altered the way I saw myself and it was bliss. I felt warm under my skin for a moment as my cheeks began to flush.

‘The colour suits you.’ John remarked, making me chuckle. ‘Happiness is an attractive quality in anyone, it removes all negativity and leave only positivity, don’t you think?’

‘You might be right.’ I chuckled, watching my hands in my lap, fidgeting. ‘I never really thought about it that way before.’

John paused before speaking again. ‘What about me? Do you… find me… attractive?’ I could sense the nervousness and I felt for him, he must have had a very lonely life in that hospital.

‘I think you’re very kind and very curious,’ I said, nodding. ‘I think those are very attractive qualities. And you hate liars, which is even better.’

John chuckled with me. ‘But you don’t think you could be with me.’

He wasn’t sad exactly, more stating a fact and I felt our evening coming to an end.

‘No.’ I shook my head. ‘Like I said, I need a little dishonesty in my life. People are far too complicated for me, there are some things I’d rather not know.’

John nodded. ‘I understand.’

I felt myself smiling at John, catching his eyes flickering to my mouth and I had to admit, I wouldn’t have minded kissing him. I swallowed and turned away once again.

‘Sarah.’ John hummed. ‘If you’re going to say goodbye, perhaps we could do so with something more honest than words.’

My nervousness was returning tenfold. I wasn’t sure I wanted to encourage John, but I couldn’t deny it would have been nice to be treated with care for a moment or two.

The moment I turned back to tell John I needed to leave, I felt my heart pounding in my chest, just something about the way he looked at me, like nothing in the world was wrong with me, if I was just honest with myself.

His lips were cold, but soft. He was tentative, just giving me a moment check in with myself, to wonder if I was enjoying this. I was. I kissed him back, just a little more pressure than before, he responded and deepened the kiss for just a moment, bringing his hand to cradle my face.

I couldn’t help but melt into the touch, it had been far too long since I had been kissed like that, far too long since I had been treated with such care and kindness, a part of me wondered if I could in fact go out with him, spend more time with him.

John pulled away gently and I wasn’t quite ready for the moment to end, but the cool evening air was now between us and I needed to go back to reality.

My eyes fluttered open and John was smiling at me. I couldn’t stop my small nervous chuckle.

‘Goodbye, Sarah.’ John spoke quietly.

‘Goodbye, John.’ I repeated back, but I wasn’t sure I wanted to say goodbye just yet.

‘Should our paths cross again, I would like to take you up on that date.’

‘Okay.’ I breathed, biting my lip gently.

John’s eyes darted over my face for a moment, taking it in one last time before getting up off the bench to leave.

I watched him walk away out of the park, feeling the same sadness draping over me that I had started with.

Who was John?

If you liked this, please consider supporting me ☕ thanks for reading!

#john dee #john dee x reader #john dee x ofc #john burgess #the sandman #the sandman fanfic

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chaifootsteps · 9 months

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I relate to Bridget in a trans way, but like, in the opposite direction. Please forgive me for the amount of oversharing I am about to do, I apologize for the wall of text.

When I was a kid, I was the only daughter amongst my siblings. So my mom, ever since I was young, wanted me to be sort of a miniature version of her. Tried to get me to like makeup, dresses, Barbies, the kind of music she liked, you get the idea. Hell, for my first three Halloweens, I was a cheerleader. But my grandmother gave me plastic dinosaurs and my dad gave me his old rock CDs, and I took to playing in the mud and bugs instead of hanging out with other girls, and suddenly it became apparent, even from a young age, that I wasn’t going to turn out to be like her.

And honestly? I think she still resents me for it. She always bought dolls instead of dinosaur toys, and even until college she controlled my entire wardrobe. I couldn’t buy anything without sending her a picture first. She controlled everything I ate because she didn’t want me to get fat, and for a period of time made me weigh myself before I could eat dinner. Entire sections of the pantry were off-limits to me, and only me. She’d force me into makeup and girly clothes whenever we went out, and if I refused, would threaten to cut my long hair because “I obviously didn’t want to look like a girl”. I wasn’t even allowed to be what I wanted for Halloween (a werewolf or anything scary) because she would always break the costume if she didn’t like it.

Even today, there’s a point of contention between us. She loathes the fact that I was able to get myself a suit, loathes the fact that I wear a binder. Says I’ll be mutilating myself if I ever get top surgery, and that I was so, so lucky to be born pretty, that I’m an idiot for wanting to throw that all away. Tells me that, if I do “think I’m a man” that I should tell her now so she can “start to grieve”. Says no one will ever see me as a dude regardless if I don’t cut my hair, and that “people like me” will never get a good job, and that I’ll just end up some “creepy boss’s whore”.

I can relate to that in Bridget, in being forced into something since you were small because your parents thought that would be best for one reason or another. Wanted something else out of you that was never in you in the first place. My relationship with gender is a weird one— I don’t call myself “trans”, just “androgynous”— but in those old lines where he said that he was a boy, I fucking got it. I got repeatedly telling others that it didn’t matter what you looked like, it didn’t matter if your hair was too long or your favorite color was too girly or whatever. It didn’t matter if I didn’t want to change my presentation too much, because I knew who I was inside and I knew how I wanted to be perceived by others, and dammit even if no one else saw it in me, I’d make sure to tell them anyways.

So like, seeing him be forced to be trans by the writers, and hearing that his abusive parents were “always right” in a sense? That maybe he’d figured out he was trans, but “wanted to explore that in his own way”, even if it was entirely fucked up that he was basically pressured into being like that since he was small? Hearing everyone celebrate that because being a girl is somehow “better” than being a guy?

It feels really fucking bad.

First of all, thank you for sharing this, Anon. The way your mom treated you was supremely fucked up; your life was your own, not a vehicle for whatever issues she has. I hope you're doing better now.

You hit the nail on the head. Bridget was never trans, but instead represented something more complicated that applied, like tofu soaking up the surrounding flavors in a pan, to different people all across the spectrum of gender nonconforming things. Like a lot of characters that have ended up in the same boat as Bridget, Bridget represented the feeling of being forced to present as something you weren't, of how ridiculous society could be. He wasn't exactly angsty about it, but the fact that he'd been forced to grow up presenting as a girl (or be in danger) when he didn't see himself as one had undeniably fucked him up a little, to the point where he wore a handcuff representing it, which comes off in the Jam endings. But he always knew exactly what he was, and he was loudly, boldly, unapologetically who he was, which was a guy. For a lot of us, he was our first taste of all of this.

There's this extremely cruel narrative that only "porn sick femboys" are upset about the Bridget retcon, but for a lot of those guys, Bridget was the first one to ever tell them that wearing a skirt didn't make you less of a man. Androgynous people like you related to Bridget. Trans guys like me related to Bridget.

To be told (by a good chunk of people who never touched Guilty Gear before Strive no less) that it's fine if a little kid grows up the way Bridget does, that it was good for it to happen? To be told he was never ours in the first place?

That's so, so fucking shitty.

#Anonymous #Guilty Gear #Bridget #actual blog post

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c0smicfern · 5 months

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in order for me to *actually* believe that i'm autistic, i need to rely on my intuition more than... you know. logic, facts, what i know about asd after *months* of research. is young fawn's intuition more credible than current fawn's months of research? fuck, dude, maybe. i have no idea anymore.

i originally had the thought when i was quite young. and then it kept happening over the years. when i got the sense that i was 'overreacting' to a sudden change or stimuli (which wasn't prompted by my environment, moreso just a gut feeling), i'd think, "it's that fucking spectre again. haunting my life." similar thing when my family would visit our cousins on my mom's side. one cousin in particular, i was especially close with growing up. idk if i feel comfortable going into detail on his traits, but i think i knew before anyone else. my mom tried to tell me that he's "ocd moreso than autistic" just a few months ago. like, no. i'm sorry, but no. idk if she & my aunt just never talked about him in that capacity, but it seems unlikely. i'm sure he has his rituals & genuine ocd symptoms, but he's literally been interested in the same video game character since we were kids. the franchise he's from is still in his most played & his avatar on his nintendo account is that character to this day. growing up with him, though, i just got this sense that, for all the distance between his experience & mine, we were the same. as i moved into middle school & started having even *more* struggles relating to or connecting with anyone, our connection actually started to make me feel resentful. wasn't his fault, and he was confused & upset when i said that i liked his brother more at that time. it was... sort of true, i guess. but only because i didn't feel that spectre looming over us in the company of his brother. in other words, i liked his brother better at the time because he was different from me. i didn't want to be reminded, not during that difficult part of my life. eventually, i got over myself & we went back to being close friends until we stopped visiting. now, i have to contend with the idea that i may have been distant from him for that period for *no fucking reason*. if we're *not* the same, then i was just needlesly cruel toward him for that part of our childhood. it was needlessly cruel, anyway, but it really served no purpose *at all* if that 'spectre' was only my imagination the whole time. it's a difficult thing to accept.

i thought *anyone* with a lived experience like mine had to be autistic before i even knew that word or what it meant. i mean, imagine "knowing" from such a young age, growing up & meeting other people like you & knowing that they were *like you* without needing to even speak. going through middle school & high school, counting the number of words you said each day & knowing that some days, that number was zero. upsetting others despite your best efforts to manage their emotions & be polite. not knowing whether you were actually being bullied or not, and realizing years later that people treated you like a freak from the moment they saw that spectre looming over you. always feeling like *normalcy* was just outside your reach, despite being able to 'see' it. watching others in an attempt to learn how to 'reach' it. despite it all, reaching the conclusion in adulthood that these experiences were just a patchwork of adhd symptoms, social anxiety, and a tendency to doubt yourself & the cruelty of others. burning out, and the quiet acceptance that kept these thoughts at bay just... fizzling out. and ultimately, knowing that the answer won't change anything for you. you've been broken either way, and you need to keep moving forward regardless.

#gonna delete these later. just need to purge the thoughts from my head.#if you don't want to know my personal life & private thoughts then get out of my diary ❤️#i don't especially love the metaphor i used here but idk how else to describe the feeling.#imagine being 7 & your brain telling you 'that one. that one's *just* like you.' wtf would you call it?#it's an almost psychic perception that i've experienced as being outside / separate from myself.#alternatively maybe i was picking up on adhd??

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elliebear666 · 1 year

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Letter To A Ghost

So, in my quest for closure, I'm doing anything and everything I can to let go. Maybe this will help. I hope it does. Please feel free to ignore how absolutely pathetic and sad this is. But... I know I'm crazy already, okay? Posting this won't make anyone think I'm more or less crazy than they already do. This isn't meant to be read by anyone. I'm doing this for me.

Hey.

It's me.

Probably not anyone you want to talk to. And I get it. To be honest? I can't say I'd want to talk to me either. The way things ended leaves me with a pit of sorrow and grief inside my heart. I feel like I dug a hole to the center of the universe to find the key to your heart, all while throwing the loose soil into your face. Not intentional, to be fair, just an unfortunate consequence of me being a bitch and too obsessed with you to properly love you like I desperately wanted to. That's a... pretty pertinent issue of mine. I'm working on all of it. I considered going to an in-patient facility for a while, but I don't think getting in would have been easy. I guess I made due.

There's a lot I never got to say that I desperately wanted to say. I tried to get you to talk to me, but you wouldn't. I don't know why. I mean... I do, sort of? But not fully? I begged. I wanted to understand. I might have tried to convince you to change your mind, which you probably knew. If that was the case, I can see why you didn't want to. But... my intentions were pure. I would cut off both of my testicles and invert my penis to give you a massage tbh. In fact, hell, I'd probably have artificial breasts inserted above my pectoral muscles if I could give you another hug. Oh well.

I am consumed with overwhelming feelings of regret and guilt and shame, of grief and heartbreak and loss. I felt like my emotions - those great waves of feeling - were too much for you. That I cried so often. That I was so intense. I understand. I'm not easy to love... and I wish I had been able to look outside of my own pain and suffering to help you overcome yours but... I suppose, it's unfair to both of us that I felt I needed to. I become so consumed by what I'm feeling that I can't look outside of myself. It isn't that I can't or don't want to or don't try... I feel like I'm drowning in whatever I'm feeling and I have to swim to safety before I can be there for you more.

I never felt good enough for you, if I'm honest. Not that I was incapable of providing for your needs, but that you didn't think I was capable of doing so. I understand. My mom told you to remind me to take my medication lmao. That's... not your responsibility. It never was. I'm getting better at that now. To the point that I almost never forget. I'm rather proud of that progression. Um... I suppose, since I saw you looking for... "sugar daddies"? I immediately felt that I couldn't provide the life you wanted. I was poor... and disabled lmao. Which is pathetic. I wouldn't be on it if I didn't need it. The fact that I lost my shit and became homeless and had month long manic episodes? I mean, I get help for a reason. But I understand if my mental issues were too much. I do. And don't resent you for feeling that way... all that much I guess. Maybe a little.

So, back when I was breaking up with my first partner, I told her that I'd kissed you and she messaged you about it. I didn't intend for that to happen. To be completely honest, I think I told her that so she'd think I had moved on and she could move on. But... it made things worse. I didn't want to hurt her. I loved, and love her now. I actually regretted breaking up with her even when we first started like... pseudo-dating? Because I still loved her. But then... I don't remember when, it was you and only you. As if no one else had ever existed. That's kind of scary. I told you I was obsessed and... I'm sure you were honestly scared of me. I... I'm sorry I stalked you. Like a fucking psycho. I was desperately trying to prevent abandonment and, as I had done in the past, to no avail, I clung and frantically tried to say or do anything to keep that person from leaving me. And I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive myself for what I did, let alone apologize to you in a way that matters. And I understand. As much as that acceptance has left me with an emotional limp and persistent literal panic attacks... even as much a... fucking jerk as you could be? You didn't deserve that. Ever. I wouldn't let me back in either. I'd stay away and keep to no contact. It's for the best. Which I fucking just... HATE to admit. Because I... idk. If you asked me to take a bus to fucking, idk, Rhode Island tomorrow because you were waiting for me, I'd do it. Which is kind of sad, but that's where I'm at.

I hope to get to a place where the love I had for you and the pain I feel about it not being fully reciprocated is... a sad, but distant memory. I don't think you ever be a forgotten memory. As selfish as this sounds, a part of me hopes you don't forget me either. I hope that, one day, you'll look back and think... "She loved me. But she couldn't love me properly." And you'll be right. I guess it's a sad truth that we tend to hurt the people we love the most. I will be honest that I... I failed you. I failed to control my insanity. And I'm sorry I said and did what I did. I will torture myself for years in repentance. I feel like I deserve worse.

But, honestly? The reason I said what I said on your Instagram was... I was so psychotic and unmedicated, that I'd crafted an entire paranoia universe in which you and your friends were torturing me. And hell, maybe you were. But... I shouldn't have tried to "give 'em what they want." What a petty, pathetic thing to do. Give them the villain they want! I... said what I said because I thought you had hired someone to rob me. Tbh. So I retaliated. But the shit I said to your and your friends as I split left and right? Disorder or no? It was unacceptable and crazy. My, ahem, shitty personality doesn't excuse abuse. I hurt you. And you had every right in the world to block me from your life forever.

I guess um... you know you were right, you know? When you said I acted like a 16 year old girl? Lol I uh... I did. Because I was. And I just... I desperately wanted to tell you. Especially when I met your trans friend. I thought maybe you'd accept me and love me anyway. But I didn't. Like a coward. I repressed myself so much I... got obsessed with shit that wasn't even an issue.

I would wish that I'd been getting the right help from the start. I worked for YEARS to mask quirks and... nervous tics. Counting and stimming. I worked to move beyond my issues with tactile sensations and different fabrics. I worked to cover up anything that screened "neurodiverse" because I didn't want to be. I wanted to be normal. And that level of masking? It was killing me. I just... I repressed and masked and buried everything so deep that I became even more of a shell. I didn't think people would love me if I was "weird."

I'm sorry posted negative stuff about you on my blog and Facebook. I hated you tbh. I hated you for breaking my heart and abandoning me and all the shit you did so I guess... for a while? I felt like I wanted to destroy you. And once I came down from that insanity? I fucking hated myself with every fiber of my being.

Maybe you never loved me. Maybe I was a practice relationship. But for me? For whatever reason, I'd chosen you as like... the one, so to speak. I've found many others I declared "The One" but I never really dated them. And honestly, a year or two after their rejection or perceived abandonment? I'd move on. But I haven't moved on from you for some reason.

I fear I will always want you. Even saying your name in my head is akin to summoning the pain of ten thousand moments we shared. I am tormented with what ifs and why's.

I haven't said all I wanted to say, but I feel like you probably didn't read all my paragraphs anyway. Sorry.

I guess.... if you ever wanted back in to my life? For whatever insane or self-destructive reason you can conjure? You will always have a lifetime pass. No matter what. I could be 78 and in a wheelchair and I'd get up and run to your before breaking a few bones.

But honestly? My advice is... don't even think about me. Because, as much as I may love you, and will continue to do so? I'm complicated. Even "healed", I will be complicated and intense and emotional. And I don't feel like that's what you want. I hurt you once. I fucking... I threatened you. I'm crying 😅 and I can never undo the damage I did.

I hope you heal. I truly, truly do. I will never ask for your forgiveness because, in my mind, I don't deserve it. I really don't. I'm just... my therapist says I'm a good person. But good people don't do what I've done.

I wish you could see how you hurt me, though... you really did. You made me feel worthless and small and weak. You hurt me a lot. I just... I was so sensitive but I hoped you would see how much I was in love and you'd decide I was worth it. But you didn't because I wasn't.

Wrapping up...

"Get back to me when you realize the world doesn't revolve around you." I understand. I wish I'd... fucked off and let you do your own thing. That I could have gotten into intensive therapy and healed... and maybe we could have been friends? I don't know if I could have. But... I did act like the world revolved around me. I was so self-absorbed, but!!! it was because my emotions were often all-consuming. I was such a cunt, though and there is not an excuse in the universe that I would ever use to justify my shitty behavior. I know I can't take back any of it. I begged for years for a way to go back in time and unfuck up everything. But I can't go back. I'll never be able to get back to you. I don't deserve to be in your life. This isn't some fucking... reverse psychology-ing the universe either. I'm being absolutely honest.

I wish I could get back to you. But I can't. And I won't because I was too idk, insecure or insane or whatever tf I was to be good for you. I will ask the universe time and time again to send you into my life. But I'll never see you again. And I understand and now have to live with that.

I guess, in summation, I want you to understand that, idk... despite my disgusting behavior? I may have been unable to love you right. Or hell, treat you right. But god damn it, I will always have love for you in my heart. Just... don't come back? Idk why tf you would? But I couldn't handle being in your life as a friend. Seeing you love someone else and not me will always break me.

I do wish you'd gotten to meet Ellie. I really love her. I used to mimic and emulate you when I came out. Part admiration, part love, small part envy, part wanting to keep pieces of you alive. But I'm not you. But I am finally becoming me.

I wish you could have met Ellie before you met Matthew. I think our relationship would have been immensely more healthy.

I miss you. I will continue to miss you.

I hope every good thing you ever wanted in life becomes true and that you can heal and learn to love yourself the way you are worthy of being loved.

Goodbye...

P.S. You have a perfect nose... please don't change it? But? If you DO? I hope it brings you the peace and self-love that you deserve. I always thought you had the cutest nose.

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sunnyanddumb98 · 1 year

Text

BLEEDING BUTTERFLYS

CHAPTER 1 bleeding

She was so obviously worried about her period, all she did at brunch was not talk about it, fidget, and look around. On the other hand, she seems overly worried about being fired; she need not worry, not because she was excelling or even proficient at it, but because she was a personality hired. I myself, in college, worked with her for that very same reason.

— I have a normal amount of shame— she excused herself — like promising myself to stay longer after a long coffee break, but it brushes away during the day, right? but not while you're actually doing the damn thing, right? I know Im falling behind. I asked for a performance review, and nothing of the sort came up, but I know I can see their disappointment. I can see that they reassign my task when we're in a rush —

I felt that way many times, and that is the reason why I took the gap year in the first place, a year to lay in bed and see your savings account running dry. So I understand, and I always understand my friends. I'm a little resentful of them, but I know there was no way she could leave work and do nothing for a year.

Anyways Vale was driving me to the edge, looking around, searching for someone, giggling to save herself from embarrassing stares. brushing away my concern with vague dismissals, I hate to see the hopeful expression on every chair move, every door opening, and every coffee order being called out.

He wasn't coming because he wasn't in her life anymore. Actually, no, the main reason isn't her no-contact policy; the main reason is that he never loved her. He wasn't going to show up because there was no incentive to do so and he never had before.

I would not show up either, perhaps before him. I warn her when in our freshman year, she was not listening, and she told me she could never. That it wasn't like that; I have told that lie many times before; I always lie, but groomers are patient and manipulative, and now she needed reassurance constantly, more than anyone could give or at the very least me.

She felt ill, so we asked for the check and left. On the walk home, she started to look blue. I have never seen someone alive look blue; I took a picture of her. Sometimes I feel like I only appreciate my friends for the memories that they can provide for me; a healthy friend is an unuseful friend.

— I haven't gotten my period this month — great! wonderful! Pregnancy and I hope and pray that she didn't tell him. In my experience, metalheads are prone to Republican views of the world. She was already a ghost of what she used to be. I picture her reclusive, raising a child in cheap, dirty, scary suburbs. making the best of it, in a tunic, being the crystal lady, or some sort of very ill-lucrative endeavour.

When we got to the door, I was sweating. My parents always told me to learn how to drive, and I always stated that I was a professional passenger. I could get a driver anywhere anytime, but not like this. Vale was curled up and bleeding, grasping at my shoulder while I tried to open the door, no cab would take us.

She bled for hours, and we sat in the bathroom with an analgesic cocktail and movies, legally blonde, clueless, and with a pampa illusion for the good old times. I was by her side on the floor over a towel, cracking jokes, and on my mind, I was writing my funeral speech. Perhaps I could turn this into a novel.

Once she fell asleep, I started to clean her out. While the warm water ran through her legs, I realized something in the blood was moving; the clumps were dying too. I rinsed them to have a better look; they were butterflies. She bled out the butterflies of her stomach. I couldn't contain the tears or the ache in my chest.

Vale, my dear sweet girl, would get over him. Perhaps it would take years, but she could, and she could be less vain and find a better job, one which she like, one in which she excelled, and if it was just a bad miscarriage, a dangerous one, she could adopt later in life, but this was bad; she was doomed; she could never fall in love again.

#first draft #first chapter #novel writing #wri #writing a novel #short stories #web novel #novelist #author #creative writing #female writers #first novel #book writing #short story #book

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emilemily · 2 years

Text

Wrote up a whole last post about you detailing what you meant to me and how losing you affected me.

Then I went into our old messages and read our last 6 months of content. Who were you? Controlling, explosive, cruel, unpredictable, unhinged…

I feel like I’ve spent months bargaining with the universe to send you back to me in some capacity. I’ve looked back at our past, at who you used to be and I’ve missed you like I’ve never missed someone else before.

But tonight as I looked back at the last bit of contact we had, it hit me… I’ve been mourning a version of you that no longer exists. An outdated version. Someone in my memories who still had a heart.

The way you spoke to me at the end is soul crushing. Ignoring me for a month because I couldn’t talk right when you wanted to, returning and venting and then dumping your girlfriend, blaming me, and then wanting to call me high. I told you that if you’d be high, to not call me.

You even mention that I always say we only talk when you’re high. So you knew it was an issue for me. Do you know why that was? Because when you’d call me high you wouldn’t say anything. I’d grasp for things to talk about and throw them at the wall to see what stuck, but the conversation was flat. Every single time. I told you that. I missed our little talks. I missed feeling like you cared or wanted to talk as much as I did. So I told you to not call if you weren’t sober.

Because of that, you ignored me again. I tried to talk to you multiple times, even shared a dream I’d had about you. You finally replied and called me a coward, and told me you only had harsh words and resentment left, and that it’s better to say nothing. You said you deleted every conversation we ever had and were intent on erasing me from your mind.

That was it, that was the last thing you ever said to me. The day you said those things, I was visiting my mother in Kentucky. I was laying on her bed scrolling my phone and she was a couple feet from me on her laptop. I started sobbing. I cried so hard I hyperventilated and crumbled to the floor of her room. She started panicking and asked me to please tell her what was going on because I was scaring her.

I hadn’t cried so hard since my dad died. I kept trying to speak, but each time I’d try to get a word out I would hyperventilate again. And suddenly I just lost it. The deep in your soul hysterical crying reserved for death in the family or finding out you have 6 months to live. I swear to god, it was the most brutal cry I’ve ever had.

I said your name between hyperventilation and my mom said “Emily, please don’t cry over him, what did he do to you?” And I gathered myself enough to tell her I’d be back to talk later. She grabbed my hand and squeezed it and gave me a sympathetic half smile

Went into the bathroom and started the shower up to cover any sound. Got in with my clothes on and just cried like I never have before. Nothing has ever made me feel so hurt. I felt physical pain, like my heart was shattering. I had a panic attack in that shower and prayed to god (who I don’t even believe in) to make it stop

I couldn’t comprehend how the one person in this world that loved me more than anyone else had previously, had given up on me and thrown me in the garbage. You erased all my messages when messages were all we had the majority of the time. You were intent on erasing me. Over that? Over something as simple as a request for you not to be high when you called me? I didn’t understand! I couldn’t wrap my mind around it!

I kept repeating your words in my head to make sense of them until it all became so much I couldn’t breathe. Laid in the fetal position in the shower, staring at the wall sobbing for a while before I got out, tossed my clothes into a trash bag to wash later, and went back to my mom

I told her what happened and she got so mad. She told me that you had always had a sort of power over me that no other man had. She told me that she knew from 2009 onwards that you would always be in my life to some extent. She knew you had an effect on me.

She told me she was so sorry that you had hurt me so bad, and she told me that it was probably a good thing, because loving someone that much is not healthy. I think she might have been right.

At some point you became cold, you stopped being kind to me. You hardened up.. you told me repeatedly that it’s what women liked, and I never understood that because the right woman would’ve loved you as you were. Kind and gentle and loving.

I’ll never understand it, but I accept it.

I’m done wasting time in my life crying about you or wondering what I did. What you did and the things you said are a reflection of you.

I’m not sorry anymore. I deserved better. I was a good friend to you. Don’t you ever try to come fucking crawling back. What was once burning love in my soul for you has slowly turned into something else I can’t place. Hatred is too strong a word.

Maybe I’m finally going through the motions. It is precisely 3:35 AM and I now have given myself a semblance of closure that you never provided. I’m ready to let you go fully, now that I have read back and seen how you really were in those last days. I no longer blame myself.

I’m erasing the messages now, too, and I am now intent on erasing you.

Good luck in whatever you’re up to these days, though it is no longer my concern. I won’t lose any sleep about it going forward.

Goodnight.

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lubdubsworld · 3 years

Text

⋆⋆✵ Perfect Imperfections ✵⋆⋆

Chapter 1

Genre : Arranged Marriage AU! Angst! Explicit Sexual Content.

Rating : 21+

Warnings : Ableism , Chronic disability. OC has limited use of her left leg, Emotional infidelity? Mild Cheating ( nothing very physical.. a kiss or so )

Summary : Marrying Jungkook is a mistake. Falling in love with him? Definitely the worst exercise in masochism .

~~~~~~~~~~

Chapter 2

No one tells you how easy it is to imagine yourself in love with a beautiful man. Especially when you don’t have a clear understanding of what love actually is.

When I met Jungkook, even knowing he was in love with my sister hadn’t done much to douse the flames of hope and attraction. He was a lot of things that other men in my life weren’t. Kind without being pitying. Concerned without being overbearing. He took care of me without making me feel helpless. And there was always such a thin line between these things that I found myself impressed by his ability to toe the line so well.

Jungkook took care of me without making me feel like a burden and I suppose, some part of me had assumed that this could, in due time turn into love. But I was clearly wrong.

Jungkook and Liza had been kissing in the hallway of their hotel room and someone had taken pictures. My father and his had managed to get them taken down but the news was already out, spreading like wildfire . My phone began ringing sometime around eight in the morning and hadn’t stopped. It was now a little past one in the afternoon and I felt queasy, despite the assurances that it was all being taken care of.

It was the pity in everyone’s face that I couldn’t bear.

I wasn’t hurt. Angry, yes? Upset? Of course. But I wasn’t hurt because there really was nothing to be hurt about. Jungkook didn’t love me. He was in love with my sister . He had made it clear, through his words and his actions, over and over again. At this point, I could see this debacle as nothing more than a possible way to get out of the marriage. Perhaps, my father would approve of a divorce?

I glanced at the article again.

The photo is just so annoyingly clear, I thought with a grimace. If it was a little blurry, I could convince myself it wasn’t him and her. But it was clear. That was my husband with his lips locked with my sister’s. Against my better judgment, I read the article again. It was a gossip column, of course there would be nothing good in there. But sometimes curiosity can be a persistent thing.

I felt my skin crawling as I realized that the phrases were all pretty true. There was no gossip here. Just plain facts.

And then my eyes reached the end of the article.

Of note is the fact that Jeon Jungkook’s wife is disabled and perhaps the virile young man is merely looking for pleasure he can’t find in his own marital bed.

I swallowed, quickly exiting the page and tossing the phone on the bed, away from me. I stared out of the window of our bedroom, the large doors left open to let air and sunlight in. There was a tall sycamore tree right outside out bedroom and the branches almost reached in and I stared at the rustling leaves, trying to scrub my mind clean of the words I’d just read.

But it was impossible.

It wasn’t something I hadn’t thought of. The stark difference between me and Jungkook, physically. He spent five days a week in the gym and they were right. He was a young man with healthy sexual appetites.

I’d never cheat on you. Jungkook’s voice from a week ago still echoed somewhere inside my skull.

I sighed, playing with my wedding ring.

I wasn’t a virgin when I married Jungkook. Hadn’t been one , when I got into the accident either. My then boyfriend, a tall strapping lit major had been a very sexual guy as well and our libidos had matched pretty well. But I’d been an athletic nineteen year old, able to bend like a pretzel at his whim and there was just endless time and endless stamina and just a whole lot of attraction . We had spent hours, exploring each other the way college kids do. Weekends in bed spent trying every possible permutation of sex positions and kinks and I’d discovered all the things I liked. All the things I didn’t.

But then the accident had happened and well, when you’re in crippling agony, sometimes sex takes the backseat. I’d been focused on my recovery, on making sure that I came out of this at least with the ability to walk and I’d succeeded. Burying the part of me that craved a man’s touch, it wasn’t easy but it was necessary.

And then Jungkook had happened.

Sex with Jungkook hadn’t been difficult. Not really. I wasn’t completely crippled after all but it was also nowhere near as exciting as it could be with someone who had full use of her legs. I knew that. It was kind of obvious. But I hadn’t dwelt too much on it because to be honest, Jungkook hadn’t looked like he’d minded. He had seemed to enjoy himself .

But then reading about how he probably hadn’t enjoyed it definitely stung.

Worse yet, probably half the country was reading it with me. I felt nauseous. Did no one think that they should have left the last part out of that article? It was terrible enough without adding that bit about me.

A faint buzzing made me turn to the bed.

I glanced at my phone as it rang, my father in law’s name prominent on the screen.

Showtime, I thought with a grimace.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“I suppose it was too much to hope for , expecting that boy to keep his dignity. This is outrageous.” Mr. Jeon’s loud voice rang through the foyer of the house and I flinched, gripping the edge of the futon as Sana jumped a bit . She sat next to me, holding my hand carefully. Moral support I supposed but I was feeling entirely too blasé about the whole thing. None of this was unexpected, I thought miserably and I wasn’t feeling up to pretending otherwise.

“I still wish they’d talked to me about this.”

My brother in law’s voice broke me out of my thoughts. The man looked like he’d been dragged through hell and back and I felt a pang of genuine sympathy. He looked wrecked and it was obvious she was in love with my sister. Resentment coiled thick and deep inside me. Resentment and envy.

With no effort at all she had charmed both the Jeon brothers, I thought bitterly.

Jeon Jihyun looked absolutely stricken at the thought of losing his wife.

“I’ve asked Lisa to take the first flight out. She called me this morning, hysterical. It was something done in the heat of the moment. She .. She’s very apologetic. I believe her and I’m willing to forgive her. We’re…. We’re thinking of starting a family together. ” He said softly and my stomach turned.

I felt my skin go ice cold as I wrapped my arms around myself. Shivering just a bit, I lightly squeezed Sana’s hand. She looked at me in askance and I had to swallow to get my voice out, throat dry. The words made me want to retch. I could imagine how Jungkook would take this news.

“Can you get me my shawl? It’s in the green room.” I said hoarsely. She bowed before moving away from me and when I looked back up, Jihyun’s gaze caught mine.

“This must be hard on you.” He said softly and I flushed, staring down at my knees.

“Not like I can run from it. Literally or figuratively.” I smiled without mirth.

“Jungkook is …he’s just confused. He needs some time to sort himself out. I’ve asked him to take a break and come back to Seoul after a couple of weeks. The separation would do him some good.” Jihyun said quietly and I sighed before nodding. What else was I supposed to say to that anyway? There wasn’t much I could do, my influence on things almost nonexistent at this point.

“Are you going to give the boy a break, Jeon?” My father demanded, staring at Jungkook’s father who sighed.

“Yes. I’ve been trying to get these damned reporters off our back. They’re all over the place. And yes, I think Jungkook should stay in Japan for a while. We’re starting a new distribution branch there and I wanted him to scout places and possible vendors. I’ll tell him to hash out all the details before coming back.”

His phone rang again and he excused himself . I watched him leave the room, trying to make sense of his words.

How long would it take to build a whole branch in Japan? I had no clue. But it could hardly be done in a few weeks, could it?

“That’s.. That’s a long time.” I said hesitantly and my father frowned.

“is that a problem?” he asked.

I sighed. There was no point keeping this to myself. I was supposed to go to the doctor’s tomorrow. And well, it would be better if they heard it from me first.

“I.. I’m pregnant.” I said quietly.

The silence that followed was deafening. I stared at the carpet, not able to bring myself to look up at them. I could guess, what I’d find there. It was what I always found in people’s faces.

“Oh, sweet child.” My father’s sigh made me look up and there it was. The pity. I felt sick to my stomach. Sana returned, settling the hand knit shawl over my shoulders and I wrapped it tight, before glancing at her in some desperation. She smiled reassuringly, settling next to me and gently taking my fingers in hers. The warmth grounded me for a second and when Jihyun growled, I stared at him.

“I… I didn’t know. Fuck, I’m going to kill Jungkook. This fucker…” Jihyung swore and my father sighed, clearly thinking hard.

“you can’t be staying alone now.” He said softly, sitting up and cracking his knuckles, and I swallowed. I wouldn’t bear it if they tried to take me back home. I had hated it there.

“ You must come back home with me.” He said softly but I quickly shook my head.

“ No.. No I won’t. I … Please.” I begged, the mere idea of going back to my childhood home a nightmare. My mother would kill me with just her sharp and vindictive words. I was in no shape to put up with her verbal and emotional abuse. It was one of the things that had made me agree to marry Jungkook in the first place.

“Well, you can’t stay here by yourself.” My father protested. I’ve been by myself my whole damn life, I wanted to scream.

“I’ll be fine. I have Sana and the others to help me.” I said tiredly. My father shook his head before turning to Jihyun again.

“Is Namjoon still working on his book?” My father asked him and Jihyun frowned. The name elicited a tug in my memory and I turned to stare at my father, confused.

“You remember him? He used to tutor you when you were hi High School.”

I had a brief flashback to dimples and almond shaped eyes. I remembered him vaguely. Very vaguely. But nowhere well enough to want him to live with me, alone or not.

“Dad…” I protested but he held a hand up to silence me, nodding at Jihyun .

“Namjoon? Kim Namjoon? ” He shook his head. “ I’m not sure. Why?”

“I think it would be good if he moves in here. His father was telling me that he was looking for a place to stay, now that he’s moved back to Korea. ” My father said softly, staring at me and I stiffened.

“Father…” I began desperately and my father shook his head.

“Don’t argue. He was a dear friend of yours. I don’t think you should be alone at a time like this. And I think Jungkook would approve. Like Jihyun said, the kid needs some space to sort himself out. Let him finish whatever business is going on in Japan.” My father glanced at Mr. Jeon who looked at me with guilt.

“I owe you an apology , on behalf of my idiot son.”

I looked away, not sure what to say to that. I hated the man quite passionately. Jungkook wasn’t perfect… far from it. But this man had taken a sledgehammer to my husband’s mind and heart at every turn. The disdain, the condescension, the sick way he favored his brother over him, the way nothing Jungkook did was ever good enough. It had all taken a toll on my husband. I had watched it chip away at Jungkook’s self confidence, at his mental health.

“I think more than anything, you owe an apology to your son. You knew he was in love with Lisa and yet…. You forced him to marry me.” I said quietly and the room went eerily quiet. My father rounded on me , eyes blazing.

“Leah!!! Apologize, now!” He roared and I looked away.

“You’re all the same. Ungrateful and entitled.” Mr. Jeon said sharply, before turning to his son. “ I’m leaving Jihyun-ah. Tell me when that wife of yours get home. I want to talk to her.”

He shared a half hug with my father before stalking off and my father grabbed his jacket as well.

“I’ll leave as well. Your mother is being quite hysterical. Apparently, all her friends are hounding her about the article.” He sighed and I nodded , watching him shrug on the jacket before nodding at Jihyun and then following his friend out to the front doors.

Jihyun stayed standing , watching my father’s form disappear through the door before turning to me.

“ Are you alright?” He said quietly, moving to kneel in front of me. Sana stood up, bowing before leaving and I watched her disappear into the hallway leading to the kitchens. Jihyun’s fingers wrapped around mine, brushing my knees and I stared down at him.

“The question is, are you alright?” I brushed the hair off his face. He sighed.

“No. No I’m not. I’m angry and jealous and very much filled with resentment towards my brother.” He said honestly and I laughed, tugging on his hand and patting the seat next to me. He straightened before moving to settle next to me and I leaned on his shoulders, sighing as he wrapped on around me, the warmth of his body comforting .

“Are you going to give your marriage a chance?” I asked carefully.

“She told me she was going to break things off for good. We.. We’ve been talking about it. Starting a family, making this work.” He said quietly. I nodded. It was understandable. Unlike Jungkook and I , Jihyun had a responsibility. He would need a son and even though people liked to act like they didn’t care much about gender, like they didn’t care much about having children , it was sort of an unspoken rule. First son of the house ? You had to have a male heir to carry the family name.

I wondered how that conversation had gone between Jungkook and Lisa. It didn’t really match the photo I’d seen.

“I suppose Jungkook probably put up a fight. He genuinely wants to end up with her. He… He tells me often that he loves her and can’t love anyone else. ” I wondered if I ought to feel embarrassed or insulted.

But the truth was, I was numb to a lot of things that had once hurt quite a lot..

The conversation with Jungkook about my pregnancy had definitely cleared things up for me. There was nothing there worth salvaging. Chasing something that wasn’t real , that was foolishness. Especially when I had a very real baby to think about. A child that counted on me to make the right choices.

“I don’t think he did. She spoke to me last night and said that he agreed. Of course that was before the article came out. I’d like to think she didn’t lie to me but I’m not sure.”

I sighed, settling in closer to his chest. He was warm and firm, solid and reliable. I wondered if it would have been easier, if my father had just married me off to Jihyun instead. Jihyun and I …we were alike. We had been friends , even from childhood. Had watched with fond adoration as our younger siblings had fallen madly, wildly in love. Jungkook and Liza had been drawn to each other from the first. Inevitable.

Jihyun and I were more carefree. We didn’t feel things that intensely and perhaps that was why we could sit here in the calm of the afternoon air, quiet and introspective when we ought to be furious and raging.

“ Should we run off together? You and i?” He said suddenly making me laugh.

“Very much incapable of running.” I reminded him with a grin and he squeezed my shoulder .

“I’d carry you.” He said simply.

“Where would we go?” I asked curiously, indulging the fantasy for just a few minutes.

“Somewhere far away. Maybe India? There’s so many people there and we could get lost in the crowds.”

“That does sound appealing.” I smiled and turned to look up at him. His face inches from mine, not as handsome as Jungkook but strong featured and kind. “ But I’m not alone anymore. I have a child.”

His gaze dipped to my lap.

“Yes. Jungkook’s child.” He said thoughtfully.

“No. Mine. Nobody else’s . Just mine.” I said quietly. Jihyun’s gaze softened. He pressed a quick kiss to the top of my head.

“I’m sorry.” He whispered, echoing his father’s words.” On behalf of my idiot brother, I’m sorry.”

And where Mr. Jeon’s words hadn’t made any sort of impact, Jihyun’s made my heart clench and ache in the worst way. Self pity was something I loathed but sometimes, being handed the short end of the stick at every turn in life makes it impossible to not feel sorry for yourself.

Tears stung, welling up in my eyes and spilling over my lashes like water bubbling out of an aquifer.

I blinked slowly, not bothering to wipe them as they traced a path down my face, dripping into the fabric of my shawl. In a moment of clarity I wondered what Jungkook must be going through now. Nothing good for sure.

It definitely said something, that I still worried for him. Sighing, I let Jihyun hug me closer. I would take advantage of his kindness for a few more minutes. It had been a while since someone had held me like I mattered.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I called Jungkook that evening.

It wasn’t an easy choice but my heart ached and my mind raced with unanswered questions. I didn’t want to get lost in my own thoughts so I didn’t overthink it. We were still married. I was allowed to call him.

He picked up on the third ring.

“Where are you?” I asked quietly and Jungkook’s groan made my face heat up a little.

“I… Leah?” He sounded groggy. I glanced at the time. It wasn’t late.

“Are you sleeping?”

He didn’t reply for a few minutes.

“I’m sorry about what happened. We.. We didn’t do anything else. It was just.. it was a kiss. Just that.”

“Are you still in the hotel?” I asked quietly ignoring his words.

“ For tonight, yes. Dad wants me to stay with a friend of his. I’ll be going over to their place tomorrow morning.” He replied .

Silence followed for a few seconds.

“Namjoon is moving in tomorrow.” I said stiffly.

Jungkook didn’t respond for a minute or so.

“Yes. Father said it’s a good idea. And I agree. You shouldn’t be alone while I’m here. He’s right. Hyung’s a nice guy. He’ll help you out.” Jungkook said softly.

“Liza came home. She wanted to talk to me.” I said quietly.

Jungkook didn’t reply and I sighed.

“I told her I wasn’t going to talk to her before I talked to you. I don’t… I don’t want to say anything to her that I haven’t already said before. But I still want to know your thoughts on all this. Your plans, that is. I take it you weren’t happy with her ending things.” I said stiltedly.

Jungkook didn’t reply for a few seconds.

“Things between us ended a long time ago, Leah. It was over when we both agreed to marry other people. Maybe even before that, I don’t know… I … I guess I just didn’t want to acknowledge them.” He said quietly. “ She’s different, now. Even that kiss felt so wrong. She’s moving on. I’m glad in a way. She deserves better than me. She deserves someone like hyung. He’s better than me in everyway and-”

God I wanted to strangle him.

“So why did you kiss her?” I snapped. “ If you’re so generously letting her go why would you…” I stopped.

“I didn’t kiss her. She kissed me. It was barely for a second.” He muttered. “ whoever it was must’ve been videoing us for a while.”

I had to remind myself that in the grand scheme of things, this little detail made no difference.

“Right.” I sighed. “ So, you won’t be home for a while?”

“Six weeks at least.” He said quietly.

I tried to keep the disappointment down. I still wanted to see him, just to make sure he was okay. But I knew that was just the pregnancy hormones talking.

“Okay.” I said simply.

“How are you? Did you go see the doctor?” He asked softly and the question surprised me. I was half sure he had forgotten.

“No, not yet. Maybe in a couple of days.” I scratched at a small stain on my skirt. Lime juice and baking soda, I thought absently. That should get the stain out.

“Its pretty late. You should go see the doctor, Leah. I.. I looked stuff up. They say you have to be on pre natal vitamins, folic acid and iron supplements and you have to have a balanced diet. I called Sana earlier and told her to speak to our doctor and get a diet chart for you. She said she’ll do it soon. So , please take care of yourself.”

Jungkook sounded entirely serious and as always my brain felt muddled, unable to process why he did the things he did. He had looked things up about the pregnancy and that implied some sort of interest, didn’t it? But ….. he had also kissed my sister so what was I supposed to do with this?

“I’ll call you.” I said shakily, drained. I was done for the day.

“Right.” He said softly. “ Namjoon hyung will be there tomorrow right? Should I talk to him? He could take you to the doctor.”

“No.. That’s fine. I’ll manage.” I said quickly.

“You’re sure?” There was genuine worry there.

“Yes.” I sighed.

“Alright.”

Silence again. I exhaled shakily.

“Should I hang up?” I asked quietly.

“Yeah. Good night. ” He breathed.

“Good night, Jungkook.”

Click.

I stared at the wall, gently lowering the phone and placing it on the bed next to me.

She deserves better than me, his voice echoed in my head.

Well, so did I.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Namjoon looked nothing like the twenty one year old college student I’d seen a decade ago. I knew he was a successful novelist and I’d read all his books. They were mostly philosophical or commentaries on life and emotions. I enjoyed the way he wrote : melancholic and deep but also clear and easy to understand. It was like staring at a particularly deep pool, being able to see all the way down to the bottom because of how clean the waters were. But once you put your feet in, the depth always surprised you.

“That’s a lot of books.” I laughed, gripping the edge of the door frame as I watched him stumble under the weight of a crate full of bound books. Namjoon’s messy brown hair peeked over the top, and when he adjusted the huge load to stare at me, I caught sight of his handsome face stretched in a dimpled grin, eyes glinting.

“Research.” He grunted, straightening himself up and I watched the flex of his muscles as he carefully moved to place the crate down in one corner of the large bedroom that I’d had cleaned for him. It was on the west wing of the house, parallel to my own bedroom that I shared with Jungkook . Namjoon had spent three years working as a professor somewhere in Indonesia. And I knew that he’d spent a year backpacking all over Scandinavia. I stared at his tall strapping figure, watching him set up his writing space carefully, sorting out boxes and electronics.

He had driven here in his Range Rover and I knew all his clothes were still there in the back of the car.

“Should I ask the footmen to get your clothes?” I asked and he glanced up at me, frowning.

“Footmen?” He looked confused and I rolled my eyes.

“Namjoon…” I said chidingly and he grinned again.

“I keep forgetting you’re filthy rich. Makes me wish I should have beaten Jungkook to the game and bagged myself a rich wife.” He winked. It was a joke but there was no mistaking the hint of interest in his eye. Or maybe it was just wishful thinking on my part. Being married to Jungkook had definitely made me question the attraction I held for men so it felt good, having someone as handsome and whole and successful as Namjoon look at me like that.

“I’ll ask them to get your clothes. You should shower and settle in. We’ll meet for dinner tonight.” I said quickly and he nodded.

“You’re going to be okay heading back to your room? Let me know if you need help.” He pointed at my feet and I nodded. It was sweet of him to offer.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dinner was surprisingly not awkward at all. Namjoon had a lot of interesting stories to share and I found myself clinging to ever word in rapt attention. He spoke about all the folklore he’d run into in different places, how he thought that no matter the culture, there were always some common things you could find in every one of them. He also talked a little about his next book, which he hadn’t named yet.

“It’s about second chances. Forgiving and moving on.” He said, taking another bite of his braised pork and moving to make another lettuce wrap.

“ Heavy stuff.” I said thoughtfully. “ Most of my writing is commercial. I just try to sell stuff to reluctant people. It’s not much but it keeps me occupied and it’s always nice to make money that you can call your own.”

“It’s because you don’t write for yourself. When you start writing for yourself, you can truly be who you are.” He said firmly and I nodded in agreement.

My writing in college had been vivid and bright and filled with life. But after the accident, it had turned grey and gloomy. The words seemed to drip with loss and longing and I didn’t enjoy it, because it was a reminder that I was no longer the vibrant, attractive fulsome girl I once was.

“Maybe that’s what I’m afraid of.” I smiled. “ Being who I am. I would rather pretend I’m at least a little alright.”

Namjoon stared at me, thoughtful.

“You used to run track.” He said softly and I grinned.

“You remember.” I said, pleased.

“Of course I do and you were captain of the volleyball team as well. You used to organize all those hikes and treks and stuff.”

“Yes I did. I loved the outdoors.” I stared out of the window.

“Loved? Past tense?” He tilted his head. I stared at him, shaking my head.

“What kind of question is that.” I shook my head. “ Look at me. I’m not trekking anytime soon, considering how the last time ended.”

“You can still go out.” He frowned. “ When was the last time you went somewhere?”

I shook my head.

“Oppa…”

“Listen. You know me. You’ve known me for more than a decade. Do you honestly think I’m going to let you rattle around this old house like a ghost when you should be out there taking in all the sunshine you can get?” Namjoon placed his chopsticks down and linked his fingers together, staring at me.

I stared at him, and it was definitely there. The concern, the affection. Not that different from when I was sixteen and struggling to understand what pathos meant.

But now there was a definite undercurrent of attraction. Back then it had been childish, the wild crush of a teenager on her hot tutor but now, now I knew that he was so much more than just a hot guy.

“I’m pregnant.” I said softly, more a reminder to myself than anything else.

Namjoon grinned.

“We’ll steer clear of horse riding and alcohol. Anything else you can just let me know.”

“Are you serious?”

“As a heart attack.”

“I think I’m getting one now.” I deadpanned.

“Because you’re nervous.” He grinned.

“Because your dimples look too adorable.” I retorted.

He laughed.

“I’ll talk to Jihyun and we’ll go see your doctor first. Then we’ll go out and have a nice picnic.”

“Namjoon, I can’t…”

“You don’t know that.” He said firmly.” You don’t know if you can or can’t because you’ve never tried. Listen I love picnics and I love going out and I want company. I’m agreeing to be stuck with you for a while and the least you can do is give me company at a picnic. You know how big a loser I’d seem like if I went by myself?”

It was like I was sixteen again getting brow beaten into things by a tutor who just hated the idea of not getting his way. I shook my head fondly.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Fourteen weeks. Three and a half months.

I stared at the ultrasound, feeling a multitude of things, not all of them good. The baby was growing well and I had all my prescriptions filled. Namjoon had offered to come with me but I had refused. It was too intimate and he was still a stranger. I did take a photo of the ultrasound and sent it to Jungkook.

/Jungkook called me back almost at once.

“You went to the doctor?” He asked, sounding a little breathless.

“Were you running?” I asked, surprised.

“Not really. I’m supposed to be meeting one of the vendors for lunch and I thought I could walk to the restaurant but its farther than I thought.” He huffed.

“Everything’s fine. Baby’s due in July.” I said quietly.

“Summer. That’s good.” He replied. “Right?”

I hesitated. What did that mean? What did it matter when the baby would be born?

“Because winter would mean it being too cold . Summer we can take the baby out and stuff without worrying too much.” Jungkook said softly.

Oh.

“How’s work?” I asked awkwardly. The non conversation was getting tedious. There was just so much to talk about and it was obvious that both of us weren’t in the mood to actually ask or answer anything worthwhile.

“Did dad say something?” Jungkook asked quickly and I frowned.

“No. Why?”

“He wants me to join hyung in the corporate office. Leave the smelter units.” Jungkook sounded subdued and upset and I felt sympathy well inside me.

“Join him? As what?” I asked quietly.

“Head of the marketing department. I’ll be reporting to Seokjin hyung.” Jungkook had clearly started walking again, breath coming in little exhales.

“You don’t want it?” I asked confused, not sure if this was a good or bad thing.

“I mean… I have a degree in Business and Finance. Hyung’s the CEO , I was hoping I’d be the CFO.” Jungkook sighed, “ But I suppose I should be grateful he didn’t disown me altogether after what happened earlier.”

I stayed quiet and so did he.

“We need to talk . When you get back. You … I know you don’t like sharing about what you feel but you owe me an explanation.” I said firmly.

“I know. But I meant what I said when I left. I’m going to be there for you and the baby. You’re still my wife. That’s not going to change.”

I ran my fingers over the ultrasound.

“Did you also mean the part where you said you can’t stand me.” I said bitterly .

Jungkook didn’t reply.

“I… You know I didn’t. That was just something I said on impulse. I’m sorry. You’re… You’ve been nothing but good to me. And honestly, just the fact that you’re carrying my child is proof that I can definitely stand you.” He sounded just a little hoarse.

I bit my lips, staring up at the door when I heard a knock.

“Leah? I’m going to have some tea in the garden … You wanna come with?” Namjoon’s voice rang through the room and I froze.

“Oh.. Oh.. yes. I’ll be down.” I said quickly, nodding . Namjoon pointed at the phone and gave to thumbs up before moving back out.

“Was that Namjoon hyung?” Jungkook’s voice came over the line.

“Oh… yeah. Yeah, he’s… he wants me to have tea with him in the gardens.” I said awkwardly.

“That’s nice. You should go. Get out of the house once in a while.” I didn’t know what to say to that so I stayed quiet.

After another minute or so of silence, Jungkook cleared his throat.

“ I got that form you sent in for me to fill, about my medical history. I’ll fill it up and mail it to the doctor’s office. Is that alright?” He asked hesitantly. “ If not I can fly back home. If they need me in person or something.”

I frowned a bit.

“They don’t need you in person, Jungkook of course not. Mail it, that’s fine.”

Another pause.

“This is really happening huh? A baby. We’re having a baby.” The exhaustion in his voice was palpable and I wondered.

“Yes. We are.” I said simply, not having anything else to elaborate on. It was happening. I was torn between pleasure at having something to look forward to and guilt at forcing Jungkook into a role he wasn’t ready for. But , for better or for worse we were married. The child was his. It would be a Jeon.

“ I’ll do better.” He said quietly. “ With the little one. I’ll be better.”

Tears these days, sprung up out of nowhere I thought miserably, furiously swiping at my face.

“Leah?” His voice came over the line. “ Leah are you there?”

“I need to go.”

“Alright.”

“Take care of yourself too, Jungkook.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Loneliness .

It’s such an odd sort of feeling. Sometimes you get used to it so much, that you forget all about it.

It stays , a part of you that doesn’t make much of an impression on you until one day, suddenly it becomes unbearable,

Until you get a glimpse of what it’s like to not be lonely.

And then suddenly it’s like a deep chasm of longing and desperation just opens up inside you, craving love and warmth and company with a hunger that feels like it can never ever be satisfied.

I’d never paid much mind to the fact that my life revolved around myself, my writing and the flowers in the garden. Not until Namjoon had come, demanding to be felt and seen and heard .

Namjoon hadn’t joked about not letting me rattle around the house. Our days were spent sprawled on the lawns of the Jeon estate, each of us occupied with our own writing . Namjoon typed away on his laptop while I preferred my leather bound notebook. It was oddly soothing, lying there on the clean cut grass, the sharp blades rubbing against my bare legs, as I leaned back against a tree trunk, watching Namjoon’s furrowed brows as he wrote.

Namjoon had changed in a lot of ways and yet he was still somehow just as I remembered, focused and often lost in his own head. He was a contemplative man and seemed to spend as much time reading as he did writing.

“There’s a poetry club that meets every Tuesday in Gangnam. Would you like to come with me?” He asked casually, about a week after he’d moved in and I considered it. The paparazzi had finally stopped hanging about the estate and Jungkook had called the previous night with a ETA for when he would be back.

Four weeks at most, he had said firmly and I wasn’t sure if I was feeling all that excited for his return anymore. Days spent with Namjoon were more exciting. He included me in every little thing and I was addicted.

Somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew this was probably wrong. Namjoon was sweet and kind but I was still married. But on the wake of that thought came the bitter reminder that there was nothing between Jungkook and I. He was in love with someone else. Why should I deny myself the joy of Namjoon’s company over a relationship that really wasn’t a relationship at all.

Namjoon treated me as an equal, teased and flirted like there was nothing wrong with the two of us living like this, together and away from the rest of the world and I liked it. It made me feel like perhaps happiness wasn’t such an abstract, unreachable thing after all. That perhaps I could find happiness like this. In friendship and mindless conversation with a man who didn’t see me as a burden.

“I’d love that.” I said with a smile, letting my fingers knit together with his.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Scorned wife getting even? We spotted the recently cheated on Mrs Jeon getting cozy with a strapping, buff hottie in a private restaurant last Friday and we can’t help but wonder if perhaps the reclusive lady is trying to get back at her husband by flashing her own boytoy.” Namjoon read cheerfully from his phone, looking way too entertained as he showed me the zoomed photo of us holding hands over the dinner table .

“That’s quite the description they’ve put for you.” I grimaced, sipping my chamomile tea slowly. My father and Mr. Jeon had reacted with their usual anger, threatening to sue the gossip rag for libel but it was pointless. They would keep being intrusive rats. There was nothing much to be done beyond enduring them.

“My agent’s losing his mind. He’s been at me trying to get me to agree to book signings and public appearances and he’s pissed that this is the way I get introduced to Seoul’s High society. Poor guy.” Namjoon chuckled and I felt guilt churn.

“I’m sorry, Namjoon. I really didn’t think they’d be following me. I mean… usually they’re only tailing Jungkook but I guess with the whole thing with Lisa , they’re just looking for ways to make things worse.” I said hesitantly.

Namjoon hesitated, staring at me for a few seconds.

“We never really talked about how things are.” He said quietly. “ Between you and Jungkook, that is.”

I ran the edge of my chopsticks on the brim of my soup bowl.

“ There’s not much to say. He’s…. He’s still sorting things out. With my sister.” I smiled a little. It ached a lot less, I realized with surprise.

“They loved each other deeply.” Namjoon said softly. “ that sort of thing doesn’t go away that quickly.”

I nodded.

“Of course. And I’ve been …understanding of that. I like to think.”

“But its unfair to you. You deserve to be loved too. Fully and well .”

I leaned back to stare at him.

“Are you offering?” I laughed, teasing.

Namjoon didn’t smile, leaning forward instead.

“Depends. Will you ever consider leaving him, for me?” He said seriously.

My heart turned over inside me.

“Namjoon…” I choked out and he reached out and lightly touched my palm.

“I know how marriages work with people like you, so I think I should draw boundaries now, if I want to keep myself safe.” He smiled a bit.

“I’m pregnant. With his child.” I swallowed and Namjoon’s brows went up.

“I thought it was your child. Yours and no one else’s.”

I felt torn, staring at him and wanting to say that I didn’t consider Jungkook as the child’s father, not in the way most people did. But I also remembered my husbands determined voice, the way he kept insisting that he wouldn’t neglect the child.

“Its not about Jungkook or the child, Leah. Its about you. You married Jungkook knowing he was in love with your sister and that tells me that you listen to your parents. You don’t want to stand up against the rules set by our parents and I don’t fault you for it. But I can’t let myself fall for you, knowing you’re going to be bound by your obligations to yurr family.”

I shook my head.

“Don’t fall in love with me.” I said easily. “ You��re right. My family comes first. And whether I want to be or not, I’m bound to Jungkook for life. So don’t fall in love with me.”

He smiled and nodded.

“Alright then.”

“Do you want to move out?” I asked bitterly and he looked genuinely surprised.

“What?”

“You clearly think I’m trying to seduce you or something when really, I-“

“Hey. Hey, Leah…no. No alright, that’s not what I meant. These two weeks, it was amazing. I love your mind and you’re easily one of my favorite people on this planet. We’re friends. And we’ll stay friends no matter what but you must know why I said what I said. You’re a beautiful woman and I’m a lonely guy.” He smiled a bit, “ I just don’t want to make it hard for myself when you want me to leave.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jungkook arrived back in Korea on a cold, rainy morning and against my better judgment I let Jihyun and Lisa drag me to the airport. It was some kind of publicity stunt, that much I could fathom but I didn’t know if Jungkook was in on it. I hadn’t spoken to him in a few days, he had been busy wrapping things up with the new branch in Japan.

It was another bad day for my leg and I found myself leaning heavily on my sister, her arm wrapped around my waist as we walked over to the waiting area. I could already identify a few men with cameras staring at us discreetly. Paparazzi . I saw them move their cameras down to the now obvious curve of my stomach and I swallowed. I could already imagine the articles wondering who the father was : Jungkook or Namjoon.

“You alright?” My sister asked worriedly and I nodded, not looking at her. Lisa hadn’t been discouraged by initial refusal to speak to her, keeping at it till I finally caved and let her visit me at the estate. She didn’t love Jungkook anymore, she insisted . It was over. They were over . She wanted to give her marriage a chance. Very sweet and nice, that. And it was obvious that she wasn’t lying, what with the way she and her husband kept

Jihyun and Lisa had made amends with each other and it annoyed me that they seemed to be madly in love with each other all of a sudden. Like the past couple months hadn’t even happened. I stared down at my wedding ring feeling stricken. Was it unfair that I resented them for this? Why hadn’t the two of them thought of this, of breaking things off and moving on before the damn wedding. And then maybe Jungkook and I would have had a real marriage too.

Bitter and hormonal was definitely not a good combination I thought with a wince, fingers splaying on the curve of my lower belly. It was so odd, being pregnant. The extra weight somehow foreign but also …so soothing. The last scan had shown that I had an anterior placenta and that meant that I may not feel movements for a while. I didn’t mind, having found comfort in just tracing my palm over the bare skin of my stomach.

“There he is.” Jihyun’s voice made me look up and ure enough there he was.

It wasn’t the longest we’d been away from each other and yet, I felt my heart leap at the sight of him. He truly was a very handsome man, I thought miserably. And no matter what people said, it was infinitely more difficult to hate your husband when he looked that good.

Jungkook’s eyes caught mine first and I saw the way his gaze dipped straight to the curve of my bump. Even from the ten feet between us , I saw hi lips part in surprise , eyes going wide. It probably hadn’t felt real to him till now, I thought biting my lips as he carefully handed his bags over to the two chauffeurs who had rushed to help him.

Jihyun wasted no time in bounding over and hugging his little brother tight.

I glanced at the man who had been taking photos, pleased to see the surprise in his face. Was he hoping that the CEO would punch his little brother in the face ? Idiots. Lisa stayed by my side and I exhaled shakily.

“ Dad told me something and I want to know if its true.” I said quietly.

She didn’t reply.

I took a deep breath, still watching the two brothers embrace each other, Jungkook’s face buried in Jihyun’s shoulders. I could see him shaking just a little and I felt my gut clench.

“He told me that …that you never told him that you wanted to marry Jungkook. That when he suggested Jihyun you agreed at once.”

She looked away.

“Lets talk about this later.” She said quietly.

“Does Jungkook know?” I demanded. “ Because he spent that first month of our marriage cursing our father out for forcing you to marry Jihyun. Forcing. And dad says that he did no such thing. So what is the truth.”

Lisa didn’t respond.

“Jungkook knows.” She said finally, “ I told him… the truth. When we were in Japan.” and I laughed in disbelief.

“Was that before or after you kissed him?” I snapped and she looked genuinely pained.

“Leah, I never meant to hurt you or Jungkook.” She said shakily.

“My God.” I shook my head. “ I always knew you were a selfish, greedy person but I didn’t take you for being a liar and a deceitful coward. ”

She stared down at her feet.

“Yes. I’m greedy..” She whispered “ And you may not understand it now but I did it for you and for Jungkook.”

She moved away and I watched as Jihyun pulled away from Jungkook, still holding his arm as he held a hand out to Lisa. The smile on her face seemed genuine as she took her husband’s hand and I shifted my gaze to mine. Jihyun and Lisa walked away to their car and Jungkook stepped closer to me, his face stoic and impossible to read.

“Leah.” He said quietly, dark hair falling into even darker eyes.

I didn’t reply, merely stepping up to gently press my palms on either side of his face.

“Welcome back.” I said softly, before reaching up and kissing him full on the lips. Jungkook’s entire body went stiff as a board at the gesture but he didn’t pull away , thankfully. It felt cold and impersonal and barely lasted a few seconds but hopefully the man had gotten a few good shots. I closed my eyes for effect, running my thumb over the clean shaven curve of his jaw, before pulling away slowly.

I peered over Jungkook’s shoulder, just to make sure and sure enough, the man was moving closer to get better angles. I smiled a little. Good. That should hold these vultures off for a while. I turned back to Jungkook and his eyes followed my gaze catching sight of the man with the camera and his entire body seemed to go stiff with anger.

“Why did you do that?” He growled and I bit my lips.

“You know why.” I made to turn away but he gripped my arm, hard. So hard that I winced.

“What are you doing?” I asked panicking, glancing at the man who was still watching.

“Since when did you start pandering to those pigs?” He whispered angrily and I flinched.

“Your father wants to introduce you to the Board of directors this weekend.” I whispered quietly, “Most of them read the news Jungkook. The last news about us can’t be about you cheating on me.”

“That’s my business. And I’ll deal with it. We’re not doing this, Leah. I’m not putting on some kind of act just to please my fucking father.” He looked furious and the taut line of his jaw made me flinch.

“I’m sorry.” I said quickly, guilt churning inside me. He was right. I shouldn’t have done that without talking to him about it but I knew that the scandal with him and Lisa wouldn’t go down well with the Board. And the Board generally had a direct say on who got hired to top managerial positions.

“I just want you to get that job.” I said softly and he stared at me, stiff body relaxing marginally.

“Let’s just go home. Yeah?” Jungkook said tiredly and I bit my lips.

Less than fifteen minutes since he came home and we were already at odds with each other.

The most ill suited couple in the universe, I thought with a grimace as he stepped right next to me and wrapped a hand around my waist.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I had a very terrible tendency to forget taking my pills. So I generally left them by the bedside table. Stepping out of the shower, I found Jungkook sitting on my side of the bed, examining the bottle carefully. I tugged on the white t shirt I had on, suddenly embarrassed because it was Jungkook’s

I’d asked to borrow a couple over the phone, simply because I no longer fit into my own and the ones I’d ordered weren’t here yet. Jungkook had agreed but still, it felt awkward when he was wearing the exact same t shirt himself.

He turned around when I moved to the vanity to put on moisturizer for the night and through the reflection I saw his gaze linger on my attire.

“Aspirin? Didn’t know that was part of pre natal vitamins?” He said seriously and I blinked., surprised. I turned around to stare at him, licking my lips nervously.

“How much research did you do?” I asked, genuinely curious and he flushed.

“I had a lot of free time. “ He said defensively. “ These six weeks.”

I frowned, before turning back to grab the small pot of night cream from the draw.

“My blood pressure is a little elevated. My mother had pre eclampsia with my sister and they just want to be careful.”

“Pre eclampsia?” Jungkook’s voice was fraught with nervousness and I turned back to see him almost white as a sheet.

“Jungkook…I.. its nothing serious.” I said hastily and his jaw went even more taut.

“What do you mean its not serious? Do you even know what it is?” He demanded.

“Do you?” I snapped back, annoyed at being treated like I was an errant child.

“I know that it’s the leading cause of maternal death during birth.” He all but shouted and I flinched.

“Okay…that’s only in extreme cases.” I held both my hands up. “ it’s a bit too premature to be panicking over that.”

Jungkook opened his mouth, as though to argue but then seemed to calm himself down.

“When’s your next check up?” He asked casually.

“This weekend. But its okay, Namjoon is-“

“I’ll come with you. I.. I want to come with you.” He said quietly.

I stared at him, feeling too awkward to outright refuse.

“You have the meeting with the Board. This weekend.” I said softly.

“So?” Jungkook shrugged. “ I’ll just tell them your appointment and health is more important to me. Besides isn’t that what you wanted? The reason you kissed me at the airport? You want the board to think we’re happily in love. I think that would be an excellent way to show them that. ”

Jungkook stared at me , head tilted curiously, daring me to deny what I had old him myself.

Sighing, I nodded.

“Alright.” I managed a weak smile. “ You can come with me.”

“Namjoon hyung left today, you said?” He asked casually.

I nodded.

“I should send him a bottle of his favorite wine for taking care of you so well. You look good.”

“He did it because he wanted to. Because he enjoyed it.” I retorted, his words rubbing me just a little wrong.

Jungkook smiled although it was more of a smirk.

“I’m sure he did. But I’m here now. And I did promise you that I’ll be there for you.”

“For the baby.” I said sharply, not liking the way he looked. The things he seemed to b implying.” You promised me you’d be there for the baby.”

“And right now, said baby is inside you.” He grinned now and I felt my pulse quicken at the sight. Jungkook didn’t smile with me. It wasn’t something that happened. At all. “ So I’ll have to take care of you.”

I stared at him, biting my lips.

“What are you doing?” I demanded. “My sister told you she never wanted you so now you want to start fucking me again?”

It was cruel. A terrible thing to say and I regretted it at once.

The smile faded.

“What?”

“ I…fuck Jungkook.” I groaned.

“is that what you think of me? Need I remind you that you were the one who came to me all those months ago? I never…. I would never force myself on you, Leah.” He looked like he’d been stabbed and I heart clenched.

“Jungkook , I…”

“I’ve been honest. Through all of this I’ve been honest to you. I lied to your sister, I lied to my father and fuck I even lied to myself. But I’ve been honest with you , Leah.”

“And that’s supposed to make me feel better?!” I cried out, despairing. “ You were in love with my sister and –“

“And she wanted to marry my brother.” Jungkook yelled, standing up and turning to me, eyes blazing. “ All along. Know what she told me Leah? That it was never supposed to be me. That five years of us being together…it was because she was in love with my brother and she couldn’t bear the thought of being alone. She started dating me to make him jealous and when she saw that I spent so much time with Jihyun she stuck around . So she could spend time with him.” He shook his head.

I stared at him, horrified.

“Jungkook….”

“I thought I could never feel more pathetic than when I stood there listening her tel me how she never felt a single thing for me. But wow…. Thank you for proving me wrong. Because right now, standing here begging you to let me a part of the child we both made knowing you only see me as some kind of pervert just looking to get into your bed….” he shook his head,” I feel worse. I feel dirty.”

My throat went dry.

“You know what?” He moved to the closet and to my horror he grabbed a bunch of his clothes and a small suitcase. “ I’m going to go get a Hotel room.”

“What? No… Jungkook, wait!” I rushed to his side, grabbing his arm but he threw my hand off quickly.

“Ask Namjoon hyung to move back in. Better yet, tell dad the truth. That you think I’m disgusting. That the thought of me being in your life makes you sick. Tell him you want a divorce and-“

“It��s a girl.” I exhaled sharply.

Jungkook went completely still.

I swallowed, my heart racing so fast I couldn’t catch my breath.

I took a deep breath and moved to lightly touch his back, fingers splaying on the broad expanse of his shoulder blade .

He turned around at that and my heart lurched at the tear tracks down his cheeks. He looked wrecked.

“ A girl?” He whispered.

I bit my lips, nodding.

“We’re having a little girl.” He looked a little shell shocked.

“Yes. And hopefully, she isn’t as dramatic as her father.” I said softly, grabbing the dozen or so t shirts he’d pulled out of the closet and pushing them back into the shelves.

Jungkook didn’t protest, still staring into space, probably just taking the news in. I felt awful for one second because I hadn’t even cared all that much when the technician had told me.

I closed the closet door and moved back to the vanity trying to process all that had been said in the last five minutes, only to feel a headache come on. I would think about it tomorrow.

I finished braiding my hair when Jungkook’s voice came from the bed.

“If you don’t want me to intrude into your space you can tell me. I’m okay with only getting information about the baby.” He said quietly.

I stared at myself in the mirror.

I turned to him slowly. i took a deep breath, considered that what i was going to say would likely change everything between us. But i had to.

I’ve always been honest with you Leah, He had said and I decided that perhaps he deserved some honesty in return.

“I think I’m in love with Namjoon.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Author’s Note : these two are such a mess istg.

ooh i don’t have a taglist for this so please comment if you wanna be on it.

#jungkook smut #jungkook fics #bts smut fics #bts smut #jungkook arranged marriage #bts arranged marriage au #bts fanfic #bts smut fic #bts fics

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lollypopsx · 2 years

Note

WHAT IS CHARLEIGH'S MUM SITUATION? 🧐🧐🧐

This is sort of a continuation of these two: I’m sick of you - Sneaking Around

Drabble Request

Drabble Masterlist

Warnings: Talks of childhood trauma

——————

"This is hopeless Niall!" Charleigh groans in frustration, hitting her hands against the piano keys.

Niall was sat at the sofa, picking chords on his guitar, with his notebook in front of him and finishing off a song he wrote a few days ago. “Hey now, c’mon. Ya need to dig in deep Char” He chuckles softly.

“Every song tells it’s own story...you just need to work out what you want the story to say”

“I don’t have a story...” She mumbles, staring at the blank notebook in front of her.

“Everyone had a story. Whether it’s good or bad. And every story has it’s own morals” Niall let out a gentle sigh and places his guitar back on the stand before puling a chair up beside Charleigh.

“What do you mean? What are morals?” Charleigh quizzed, confusion in her eyes.

“A moral is like...the lesson you learnt. Like the boy who cried wolf, he lied all t’time, then when he was really in trouble, no one believed him. The moral there is; If you tell lies, people won't believe you when you do tell the truth.”

“What lessons have you learnt Char?” He questions.

She sat deep in her thoughts for a moment. “Giving second chances doesn’t mean someone has changed...but Dad always say’s it’s ok to make mistakes sometimes...”

“And how did you feel about that Chez?” Niall pushes the question softly.

“I don’t really know...I never understood when I was younger. I didn’t understand why she wasn’t around when everyone else had their Mum’s...then when she was released from the Hospital all those years later...and Dad had told me what she did and how she had left me alone as a baby and set fire to the house, I was angry, Mum’s don’t do that. But when the courts contacted us and said she wanted to have contact with me and she...she said she had changed. Said she was all better, I...I felt bad. And Dad told me he wouldn’t stop me having contact if I wanted to...” She mumbled softly, sitting on the painful memories in her chest.

“Then I was mad at myself because I tried so hard to get to know her...and I thought I could trust her, but then she left again. I mean...I thought leaving me as a baby and trying to set the house on fire was bad enough...but then she left me at home on my own when I was 7 so she could get drunk. And I think that made me more angry, because I remember it...I got out of the burning building with no scars on my body...but I still have the scar from when I was 7″

“You still have it?” Niall questioned in surprise. Charleigh nodded and pulled her sleeve up, faint scars permanently embedded into her skin. “Considering she she came home drunk at 2am, jumped because she saw me still awake and accidentally dropped a wine bottle on the kitchen side and it shattered over my arm..it doesn’t look too bad. The incident never hurt as much as the memories do...”

“I begged Dad to let me spend the night at her house...he only let me because you guys needed to finish the album...” She mumbled, chuckling to herself.

“Your Dad never forgave himself for that you know...” Niall admitted.

“I know...” She whispers, she still felt guilty. “Maybe if I hadn’t of begged him, everything would be so different now...But I know he never wanted me to resent him for not letting me see her.” She rambled quietly.

“Charleigh...there’s only one person who’s in the wrong here. And that’s her.” Niall frowns firmly. “Not you, not your Dad. Just her. Your Dad loved her...you loved her...she was his fiancée and your mum, you two didn’t do anything wrong. You trust the people you love until they give you a reason not to trust them” Niall rested his arm around Charleigh.

“Dad always said the day he stopped loving her was the day he ran in to get me from the burning house...thank god he never got hurt” She whispers.

The conversation was interrupted with the ring of Niall’s phone. “I need to take this...get writing trouble” He smiles, tapping the notebook and taking the phone call outside of the room.

Charleigh picked the pen up, spilling words upon words onto the pages. Filling them with potential lyrics, and ideas. When Niall came back, Charleigh was already scribbling away with piano chords and lyrics.

The day had flown by, they had pieced together Charleigh’s perfect song, with help from Niall, she had a stripped down, piano recording of them singing it together in his home studio.

——————

Towards the end of the week, Charleigh felt so much more relaxed after spending the week in LA, catching up with friends and having time for herself. She had the week to take a break from travelling with her Dad, being on the go 24/7 and mainly, just a little time away from her Dad.

They had really been getting on top of each other lately, and Niall could see a huge difference in Charleigh. She seemed well rested and happier, calmness filling her body.

Friday had rolled around and she was eating a crispy chicken salad outside in the garden for lunch while finishing up some work.

“Hello Cherry” A voice sounded as a tall, curly brunette man appeared, coming out of the French doors.

“Dad?! What are you doing here?!” Charleigh grins, placing her food on the table and rushing over to him. His arms instantly wrapped around her tightly.

“Came to see my girl...missed you” He smiles, embracing her tightly. Charleigh cuddled into his chest tightly, the familiar scent of his Tom Ford aftershave that she had definitely missed, hit her happily.

“I missed you too...” She whispers. “Are you busy? Can we have a talk?” Harry asked softly. Charleigh gave him a nod and headed over to where she was sitting before, tucking back into her salad. “What’s up?”

“Well...I just wanted to talk to you and see what you wanted to do and...how you were feeling now compared to last week.” Harry says softly.

“I feel better. I really needed this, I was just getting tired with travelling so much and I know we’ve been doing it for a long time, but it’s different when you’re older” She explained, pushing her food around with her fork.

“I’m really glad I came here, we we’re driving each other stir crazy and I think we just needed a few days out of each other’s hair” Charleigh admitted truthfully. “Because I realised that I missed you”

Harry smiles with a chuckle. “I agree...I missed you too you know. Although it was great to not have our tour bus a total tip and full of all of your stuff” Harry teases with a smile. “Hey! You have just as much stuff!” Charleigh pouts.

“Yes but I’m tidy Char. So...what do you want to do from here?” He asked seriously.

“I‘m ready to come back on tour” Charleigh smiles widely.

“Are you sure? You know we can sort something if you really don’t want to...I just...I’m not ready for you to be staying on your own yet..”

“I don’t want to be on my own either Dad. I feel safe with you guys” She sighs softly.

“Well...welcome back baby!” Harry chuckles, happily pulling her into another hug. “So, what did you get up to this week?”

“...We wrote and recorded a song” Charleigh gives him a small smile.

“You did?...Can I hear it?” Harry held a surprised grin as Charleigh nods.

*Moral Of The Story (Ashe ft Niall Horan - Original) Moral Of The Story (Ashe ft Niall Horan - Acoustic Version)*

“So I never really knew you God, I really tried to Blindsided, she’s addicted Thought we could really do this But really I was foolish Hindsight, it's obvious Talking with my father I said, "Why’d she have to leave?" He said, "Young people fall in love With the wrong people sometimes" Some mistakes get made That's alright, that's okay You can think that you're in love When you're really just in pain Some mistakes get made That's alright, that's okay In the end, it's better for me That's the moral of the story, babe It's funny how my memories Come back in my bad dreams When running wild, turned volatile It's not funny how it changes Now we’ve ended up like strangers 'Cause you burnt down our paper house Listening to my father He said “you’ll always be mine, Even if some people fall in love With the wrong people sometimes” Some mistakes get made That's alright, that's okay You can think that you're in love When you're really just in pain Some mistakes get made That's alright, that's okay In the end, it's better for me That's the moral of the story, baby They say it's better to have loved and lost Than never to have loved at all That could be a load of shit But I just need to tell you all Some mistakes get made That's alright, that's okay He thought he was in love But he was really just engaged Some mistakes get made That's alright, that's okay In the end, it's better for me That's the moral of my story

Some mistakes get made That's alright, that's okay You can think that you're in love When you're really just in pain Some mistakes get made That's alright, that's okay In the end, it's better for us That's the moral of our story, babe”

——————

Tag List: @harryhoney-bee - @sunandherflores - @beachwood-cafe - @damnasstyles - @awesomebooklover17 - @hazgoldenstyles - @evanjh - @harrysbracelet - @nerdypartytrashpsychic - @harryssweatcreaturee - @hibaiqbal12 - @ayeshathestyles - @michelleficrecs

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buckyownsmylife · 3 years

Text

Give your heart a break - Chris Evans smut

The one where Chris is a biker and decided he wants to start your forever.

Warnings: I’m gonna tag this as dubcon just to be safe, Chris definitely crosses a line without proper consent, breeding kink, biker!Chris AU, bondage, (belt used to restrain hands), dirty talk

A/N: this is for my own birthday celebration challenge! Like I explained here, I’m going to try to fill every single AU I listed with the characters I picked for the challenge, and since the deadline if May 27, these fics will be posted randomly, as I finish them. Hope you guys like it!

Chris’ P.O.V.

“Hey, baby!” The smile she opened up when she turned around to see it was truly me who had just arrived at her coffee shop made my heart beat faster than it ever did while I was away from her.

I guess the adrenaline the bike used to give me was nothing compared to her effect on me.

“What are you doing here?” She exclaimed, jumping on my waiting arms so I could twirl her around, like I always did after we spent some time apart. She looked just the same, which comforted my heart somewhat.

I hated leaving her, but this nomadic lifestyle I’d chosen for myself long before we ever met would never work for her. It’s why she always resisted accepting any kind of labels to what we shared.

That was all about to change, though. Even if she still didn’t realize it.

“What? Can’t I stop by to visit my best girl?” Her smile became even bigger at the pet name. It was the indication I needed of her true feelings. She wanted to be mine, she really just couldn’t handle the biker lifestyle.

“Of course, you can. I just wasn’t expecting you, that’s all. Sit down, I’ll bring your usual order!” I watched as she fixed me a black coffee and picked a muffin with great care before bringing it to me. I had no doubt it was the warmest one on the tray. “Will you be sticking around for tonight?”

I could see the glint of hope and desire in her eyes. I knew that even though she didn’t want to be tied down to me, she hadn’t looked for pleasure in anyone else ever since I first kissed her. And even though I was sure she thought differently, neither had I.

She owned my heart ever since we met. There was no one else I’d rather have underneath my body. “I think you’ll soon realize I’ll be sticking around for a lot longer.”

Her eyes lit up at that, excitement clear in her features. “A whole week?” She’d been asking me for that for as long as I’ve known her, and I’d never been able to stick through the whole seven days. There was always some shipment to assess, brothers to help.

This time, nothing would force me away from her.

“You’ll see.” She rolled her eyes at my attempt at keeping a mystery, and I know what was going on through her pretty little head. I was already too secretive as it was, there was no need for more hiding. But I had a plan, and I was going to stick to it.

“I’ll be right here until it’s time to lock up. I’ll walk you home, how does that sound?” The way the corner of her eyes crinkled as she smiled at me was enough of a response, yet she gave me one anyway.

“Perfect.”

Y/N’s P.O.V.

“Stop that.” The order startled me, too lost in the haze of lust to realize that he’d stripped down to his boxers, finally noticing that I’d climbed on the bed and had been playing with myself while I waited for him to join me.

Usually, I’d immediately follow his directions - almost instinctively, actually. It was probably some remaining fear that used to exist inside of me when I saw him on his bike just outside my shop, before I decided to give him a chance and began this little adventure between us…

I never wanted to see his anger directed at me. But tonight, I was feeling brave for whatever reason. Maybe it was because of how much I had missed him this time we spent apart and how I unconsciously resented him for always leaving. We’d never have an actual relationship, and it was all because of him.

So maybe that awoke the brat in me, because all I gave him was a smirk, keeping the movements on my clit as I watched him watch me. “I don’t think you deserve that,” I taunted, taking notice of the way he seemed transfixed by the wetness gathered on my lower lips, until I stopped my movements and raised my hand to slather it on my lips.

“You’ve left me all alone so many nights, with only these fingers as company…” I returned them to the apex of my thighs, pushing them inside of me this time, making sure to exaggerate my moan at the relieving sensation of being filled. “I think you deserve to suffer for a while longer.”

He looked so beautiful with his eyebrows furrowed, the length of his eyelashes and the pinkness of his lips almost making me overlook how threatening he still looked, all tatted up, clearly disappointed in me.

“Stop it,” he warned once more, but I wasn’t in a submissive mood. Not tonight.

“Why should I?” I argued, fucking myself faster. “I’m not yours. You can’t boss me around.” That was the wrong thing to say, I realized the second his eyes darkened, jaw clenching at my defiance. He was on me in a second, easily gathering my wrists in one of his hands as he pulled them up in the direction of the headboard, and it was only when I felt the leather around them that I realized he’d picked up his belt to tie me to bed.

“Yes, you are,” he breathed out against my face, eyes looking directly in mine to show me just how serious he was. “And you should know better than to disobey me.” The authoritative tone in his voice had me shivering, especially after he pulled away and stopped covering my body with his, taking advantage of how I was bound to the bed to drink in my naked figure.

“I promise I’ll behave,” I tried to argue, legs flailing around his figure until he grabbed them. “I-I just missed you, that’s all.” The way his huge, rough hand felt on the inside of my thighs should be illegal. And he knew just how much it affected me, as he smirked and looked up at me from under his eyelashes with a knowing glint in his gaze.

“Don’t you trust me?” He questioned, head tilted as his thumb slipped and found place right over my nub. “I just want to make you feel good, sugar.” I hesitated for a moment - I hadn’t really experimented with any sort of kinky sex before, even though I expected him to try something unusual ever since the first time we were together. Guess this was starting small. I could take it.

Besides, I needed him too fucking badly.

“Yeah?” He confirmed after I nodded, tone almost patronizing as he kept rubbing me and playing with himself. “Got yourself wet and ready for me, won’t need to prepare you, huh? Guess your disobedience has it’s advantages.”

All I could do was whimper, especially when he finally leaned over me again, resting his hard cock over my navel. “Feel this?” He asked, and I nodded once more. “It’s about to be inside of you, pretty girl.”

And so he grasped my hips and adjusted himself to start pushing in, spearing me open. Having him for the first time after a while was always a challenge, and although he always took it slow to get me used to him again, he was never one to give me time to accept the intrusion. He just took his time, thrusting in and out, taking note of every little moan that I released as his hips pressed against mine.

“Oh, fuck…” I groaned, wanting to wrap my arms around him but unable to do so, due to my restraints. “T-that f-feels s-so good!” I was positively trembling as he started to pick up his pace, cocky smile only adding to my arousal.

“Oh, yeah?” He panted, drops of sweat starting to form on his naked body from the frantic activity. “Then fucking scream it, sweetheart. Tell your entire neighborhood how good it feels to have my cock inside of you.”

I must have obeyed him, from the way my throat felt hoarse when I finally came back from my orgasm, but I couldn’t remember it. I was too far gone. All I knew, all I could focus on was the way it felt to have his cock rhythmically dragging in and out of me, the sounds of my juices reverberating off the walls.

“Pretty little pussy,” he complimented, eyes focused on the part of me he was so obsessed with. “Can’t wait to fill it up with my cum.” Well, that jolted me back into reality, suddenly pulling on his belt again.

“W-what?” Only when he heard my question and the hesitation in my voice did he raise his gaze to meet my eyes, a patient smile defining his expression.

“C’mon, pretty girl… You know you want it too. Don’t you want an ‘us’?” He urged while I could only stare back, mouth agape. “You know I want more, I’ve always wanted more. Now I’m ready to give it to you. And I know you want me too.”

His voice was soothing against my ear as he kept fucking me, “You want to be round with my baby, don’t you? You want me to keep you filled all day long, until your breasts are heavy and your belly starts growing, so everyone will know you’re now undeniably mine.”

And to be his is all I’d ever wanted, but I never expected it to happen like this. I could only watch, frozen in place as he came deep inside of me, moaning right by my ear before kissing my temple.

“I love you, sweetheart.” He’d never said those words to me before. I don’t think he’d ever said them to anyone. “I know it’s fucked up that I’m only now telling you this, but I do. And I wanna fall asleep next to you every day from now on.”

And so he kept me plugged, full of his cum even as he released my wrists and lulled me to sleep, and for the next seven days, when I woke up in the morning, he was really still there.

“You’re really here to stay,” I whispered on the eight night, cradling his face in amazement as he smiled before kissing my palm.

“Forever.”

#my 2k challenge #my fics #chris evans smut #smut #chris evans #biker au #rpf #rpf fanfiction #chris evans x reader #chris evans x you #chris evans reader insert #chris evans reader inserts #chris evans reader #chris evans fanfiction

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sweetbitterimpossiblecreature · 3 years

Text

A Brief And Concise Summary Of Is Wrong With The ACOTAR Series

I think we can agree that a lot of ACOTAR is pretty iffy. Consider this a very brief refresher.

What's Wrong With Feyre/Rhysand (juxtaposed against Feyre/Tamlin)

Rhysand drugs and sexually assaults her in Book 1

This is "for her own good". Because he "has no choice". Despite the fact that, from what we know of the plot, Amarantha thinks that Clare Beddor was the one Rhysand was diddling, and is only interested in Feyre because Rhysand, "her" man male, has taken an interest in her.

If we extrapolate from this we can figure that Rhysand is the one directly putting her into danger.

Now, let's be clear: drugging someone is bad. Sexually assaulting someone is bad. One could argue there were extenuating circumstances. But if, in such a situation, what your mind goes to is "I know, I should assault this person... for their safety" I have questions about your moral qualities. There were a million things he could have done. He could have done whatever he did to Clare - that is, remove her ability to feel any pain - easily. He could have helped her escape. Under The Mountain, he - while still there unwillingly - has a lot of power, as Amarantha's side piece. Maybe this would have resulted in him being punished- however, he is hundreds of years old and a badass motherfucker, and she is a nineteen year old human girl.

Now, onto Tamlin. Obviously not a lot of people really ship F/T anymore after ACOMAF, because compared to F/R, it's boring. I read another person's post about it, which was very enlightening: they said that Feyre's personality is essentially a mirror. When she is with Rhysand, she's snarky and malicious- because she is "bouncing off" his energy. When she's with Mor she's super feminist and "in awe of her strength". On the other hand, Tamlin is kind of an empty character. He's a pretty boy with anger issues, which should be more interesting than it is. SJM manages to make him bland. Because Feyre has nothing to bounce off of, (a lot of this is from the person's post), she and Tamlin together is mainly just him introducing her to his world.

What Tamlin Does: prevents a skinny twenty year old from going on dangerous missions with him and combat-trained soldiers, accidentally blows up a room with her in it, and, at the end, prevents her from leaving the house.

This is not a Tamlin apologist post. Obviously it was really fucking gross of him to do that, and their relationship was toxic. However, a lot of his abuse stems from their inability to communicate, as well as own negligence. He does not knowingly and purposefully sexually assault her or rape her mind. And tbh, leaving a girl without combat training at home while he goes on missions with a bunch of muscled sentries is... kind of reasonable?

Again: not a Tamlin apologist post. It was abuse. However, if Rhysand is "allowed" to sexually assault, mind-rape, and drug Feyre "for her own safety", why is Tamlin demonized for preventing her from leaving his mansion "for her own safety"?

Another pertinent point: Rhys is never punished for sexually assaulting her. It is brushed off as part of his "mask" or that his hand was forced. Jesus Christ my dudes, his hand was not forced under her skirt. If he has to maintain his gross rapist abuser tyrant oppressor mask... why? Who did that benefit beside him? None of his actions remotely helped Prythian. They were done solely for his buddies - five people safe in a rich hidden city - and no one else, which is explicitly stated.

Finally, the power dynamic is fucked up. Feyre is less than twenty five years old. Rhysand is 500. There is a tendency in fantasy romance to romanticize a centuries year old man with a young girl, because the man does not show symptoms of age, and so it is easily ignorable. However, can we just briefly acknowledge how fucked up it is? Rhys is over five times older than Donald Trump, Harvey Weinstein, Jeffrey Epstein, and other known predators/abusers. She is twenty. That is really fucking gross. She is in a vulnerable position and he takes rampant advantage of that.

If he had wrinkles, liver problems, and erectile dysfunction, more people would acknowledge it.

Let's be clear: I'm not saying writing a book with an uneven power dynamic is automatically bad. For example, in The Locked Tomb series, which is in my opinion THE BEST FANTASY SERIES THAT HAS GRACED THIS EARTH (lol i'm starting fires), one main character Harrowhark Nonagesimus is in a position of power over Gideon Nav, the other main character. However, this is not glossed over or romanticized. Gideon resents Harrow for this- there is a relationship of mutual antagonism, fraught with unwilling familiarity and intimacy from growing up together. They are roughly the same age. While there is a certain power dynamic (in that world, there is a dynamic of necromancer and cavalier, i.e. sorcerer and sword) the "empowered" character (Harrow) emphatically respects her and does not abuse this power, although both would of course deny this, and she does make a show of threatening and being aloof. In short, while Gideon obeys her, Gideon also has power over Harrow, and the idea of what is essentially slavery is not romanticized.

Feyre Doesn't Face Any Consequences For Her Own Actions

Let me present a radical notion: a guy preventing you from leaving his house does not justify completely fucking ruining his country and harming the people inside it.

In other words: Tamlin does not deserve what she did to him.

I know that sounds iffy. We're conditioned to think that if someone is an abuser, then they are the scum of the earth, they deserve to die, torturing/murdering/doing anything to them is completely A-OK. However, here's another radical notion: someone harming you does not justify you doing worse.

Obviously, the effects of psychological abuse can cause you to hurt other people (see: Nesta), but Feyre deliberately and maliciously (oh, God, that insufferable POV of her in Spring Court; she reads like a cartoonish Disney villain) dismantles his country. She uses sexual manipulation (Lucien), torture (causing the sentry to be whipped), and mind-rape (who didn't she do this to? lol).

A summary of the entire first half of ACOWAR: "It smelled like roses. I hated roses. For this capital offense against my olfactory system, Tamlin and the entire Spring Court deserved to burn in hell. I knew exactly what I was doing. I smiled at him sweetly: no longer a doe, but a wolf. He didn't see my fangs.............." *aesthetic noises*

Man. I'm starting to think SJM had a horrible experience at a Bath & Body Works and took it out on the rest of us. Don't do it, Sarah!! I know Pink Chiffon and Triple Berry Martini are way too strong, but don't take it out on an innocent population!!

She steals from Summer Court (there are, yk, other solutions to theft. Like maybe asking politely) and ruins Spring Court. Her boyfriend - yeesh sorry, MATE - does nothing while a dozen Winter Court children are murdered.

Now: moral ambiguity is not automatically bad. Again using The Locked Tomb as an example, in the second book (spoiler alert), Harrowhark has a sort of moral ambiguity. She was raised from the beginning to worship the King Undying as God, and so she obeys him without question. Because of this, she commits a lot of crimes in His name: she "flips" - i.e. kills - the life force of planets, and she plots murder (albeit the murder of someone who tried to kill her first). There is no attempt to justify this. There is also no attempt to paint her as a virtuous and yet also badass Madonna figure. She is desperate, plagued with the "wreck of herself", and the book clearly displays her moral pitfalls. While her POV is of course colored by her mindset, it also is limited by her lack of information, and we as readers can acknowledge that.

BACK TO ACOTAR: Feyre is seen by everyone as gorgeous, formidable, and essentially perfect. Rhys sees her as flawless, "made for him", wonderful, beautiful, blah blah blah. (THEY ARE SO BAD FOR EACH OTHER; THEY EXCUSE AND GLORIFY EACH OTHER'S CRIMES, IT'S SO BAD, GUYYYS). Tamlin is insanely batshit in love with her, or whatever. To the Night Court she's the High Lady. In this way she personifies the Mary Sue character. (Excerpt from the TV Tropes page on Mary Sues: "She's exotically beautiful, often having an unusual hair or eye color, and has a similarly cool and exotic name. She's exceptionally talented in an implausibly wide variety of areas, and may possess skills that are rare or nonexistent in the canon setting. She also lacks any realistic, or at least story-relevant, character flaws — either that or her "flaws" are obviously meant to be endearing. She has an unusual and dramatic Back Story. The canon protagonists are all overwhelmed with admiration for her beauty, wit, courage and other virtues, and are quick to adopt her as one of their True Companions, even characters who are usually antisocial and untrusting; if any character doesn't love her, that character gets an extremely unsympathetic portrayal." Sound familiar?)

There is the Ourobous scene. And yet, paradoxically, while presented as an acknowledgment of her flaws, it is in fact a rejection of them. She sees her own brutality... and instead of recognizing that she has these deep, deep moral flaws and realizing that she needs to grow and be better, she in fact "accepts" them.

Guys: Self love means: "I'm important to me, so I'm going to get a massage today after work", or "heck, why not splurge on some expensive lotion, you only live once" or "you know what? I had a tough day today. I'm going to get that strawberry cupcake". SELF LOVE DOES NOT MEAN "oh, I accept all the war crimes I have done, I love myself". LOVING YOURSELF DOES NOT MEAN ABSOLVING YOURSELF OF ALL WRONGDOING.

It's this refusal to acknowledge wrongdoing that is so grating about ACOTAR. It's so goddamn one-sided. And you can tell that after Book 1, SJM decided to completely change the trajectory simply because of how jarring Book 2 reads compared to the first one.

Also: Feyre is a very, very young girl (compared to the other ruling fey) who did not know how to read for the majority of her life. She has no experience whatsoever in politics. Her being High Lady is not a win for feminism.

Rhysand: He Sucks

First, he is 500 years old. He should be written as such, not as some 20 year old virile frat boy feminist. Fantasy is all the more compelling for its elements of realism, which is a concept that SJM does not appear to grasp.

Second of all, his morals are absurd. He is written as the Second Coming of Christ, as someone who can do no wrong, ever, and his flaws only serve to make Feyre love him more. Anything shitty he does is written as part of his "mask" and she can See Beneath It and knows that it "hurts" him to maintain this "mask".

Fellas, WHY DOES HE HAVE TO MAINTAIN THIS MASK???? There is no reason for it. If A) he does not give a shit about Court of Nightmares (we'll get back to that), only about Velaris, and B) Velaris is hidden/protected from the world, what is he pretending for?

It would not hurt him politically to be seen as someone who cares about his country.

"Pretending" to be "Amarantha's whore" does not in any way shape or form benefit the macro-world that is Prythian. In Amarantha's name, he commits atrocities. He commits war crimes; he systemically oppresses entire societies. It doesn't even really benefit Velaris, because Velaris is already hidden.

Let me put this in a real-world perspective. This would be like if Donald Trump was suddenly like: "I know I was a shitty president but IT WAS ALL PART OF MY MASK, WHICH WAS TO PROTECT THIS MICROCOSM OF PRIVILEGED PEOPLE THAT I CARE ABOUT". Like: okay? Sorry, or whatever, but I don't actually give a shit. What about the parents of the children who died? What about Clare Beddor? What about the people who were held in slavery, murdered, tortured?

Rhysand: omg it sucks that my cousin Mor was oppressed by this toxic misogynistic culture from the Court of Nightmares.

Also Rhysand: lol whatever, who gives a shit about Court of Nightmares. They all suck. They meanie. Lol what did you say? That there might be other girls just like Mor who are oppressed by this system? Lol whatever. I can't do anything, I gotta maintain my Mask. I gotta sit on this throne and show the entire Court that not respecting women is completely okay.

In summary: by parading Feyre around as his "whore" (!!) he demonstrates by example that it is completely okay for the Court of Nightmares to abuse their women.

A good ruler cares about all his people. Rhysand cares about a tiny tiny fraction of his people: those who were fortunate enough to be born into Velaris.

God, I'm exhausted. Onto Nesta:

The only character who successfully breaks the Mary Sue effect Feyre exerts on her people is Nesta. Her POV for the first half is a joy to read.

Obviously it sucks that Nesta was a huge bitch to Feyre for the beginning of her childhood. However, it was wrong for Rhysand to threaten her- he is a man male with a huge insane amount of power, and it is not okay for him to threaten to bring the brunt of it down on a young girl because she was a bitch to his girlfriend.

I've seen a lot of discourse on the morality of F/R sending her out of Velaris. Here is my two cents:

It was okay for them to cut her off of their money. If they don't want to enable her self-harm, that is their choice. Again, it's their money, even if it wasn't fairly earned (Rhysand born into an enormous fortune).

It was not okay for them to banish her from Velaris with the implication that she was an embarrassment. Let me explain.

If Rhysand and Feyre are talking to her as sister/brother-in-law, then that is that. They have the complete right to express disapproval and try to help. However, they should not be using their royal privilege against her.

If they are talking to her as ruler to subject, then they have the power to banish her from the city. However, a ruler would not give a shit about a random subject getting drunk and having sex. So, they should not be talking her about her problems as a ruler to subject.

I've heard it compared to her being sent to rehab. However, rehab is a system designed to help people with certain problems. It has specialized medical centers and involves therapy. Nesta gets her life threatened multiple times. It is not rehab.

In summary: why did SJM inflict this upon us. Throne of Glass was actually good! GAHHH! After the first few books she completely whipped around and introduced the idea of males and mates and fey and that C is actually A and the quality took a huge nosedive. Sigh.

Final horrible but unmistakable truth: The entire ACOTAR series reads like a bad A/B/O fic. I hate to say it but it's true. We're lucky there were no heat cycles. OH WAIT

#anti sjm #anti rhysand #anti acotar #anti acofas #anti acomaf #anti everything #anti feyre #to some extent #mentioned: the locked tomb #mentioned: gideon the ninth #mentioned: harrowhark nonagesimus #anti #strongly anti #pan-int #that's my ao3 tag!#meta #my post

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