#I think I get the thing about seeing other trans people and experiencing dysphoria a little bit.

[neverendingford]

.

#tag talk #I think I get the thing about seeing other trans people and experiencing dysphoria a little bit. #seeing trans women irl literally never does it because real people are their own self contained person and that's really cool and beautiful #but seeing pictures online really fucks with my head. the chance for higher scrutiny. more critical gaze. I don't like it at all. #the constant fear of “man in a dress” or “man wearing makeup”. it's so much easier to feel that anxiety from an image. #harder to compare myself to real people because I know we're separate. easier to project myself onto an image. #anyway I sometimes browse reddit and get recommended mtf stuff and I usually hate it so much #also I'm so tired of seeing nothing but skinny white girls. like #I just wanna see diversity and actual different people not just the same image recycled over and over and over again. #anyway. getting on reddit always feels like a mistake and makes me just hate people a little more.

[johannestevans]

Woe, Boypussy Be Upon Ye: Transing Characters in Fanfic & Fanart

What’s the deal with envisioning your blorbos as transgender?

Originally published in Prism & Pen. Also on my Patreon.

It’s a meme, I made it. Here it is.

It’s been unbelievably positive for me as a trans dude, the change in approach to trans characters in fandom and subsequently in media in general, and I just wanted to write a bit about my experiences with the cultural shift and how positive it’s been for me personally.

What’s weird about people in fandom confidently, nay casually, writing characters as transgender and just having them be a regular dude with a pussy or a regular girl with a dick is that like… I remember when it wasn’t a thing.

Back in 2009, for example, which was a big time for fandom — Superwholock was running rampant, Star Trek (2009) had just gotten a new generation of fans into Trek — or even in 2012, when Les Misérables (2012) had dropped and gotten new people into Les Mis, or when the Hobbit had revamped a lot of interest in Tolkien’s books and the original Lord of the Rings films, not to mention The Hobbit itself, none of this even getting into the Marvel movies, like…

It just. It wasn’t a thing.

Sure, there were transgender characters around, characters that people wrote as trans, but I remember it so strongly as being very niche. It was deep, emotional work where people had to work to “justify” the emotional work they were doing, and even then, they couldn’t just say a character was trans and be chill about it. In order to justify a character being transgender, one had to put in mountains of evidence, or admit the trans perspective was a genderbend of sorts.

For me, I’m pretty sure the moment when things started to change was when I was reading and writing a lot of Loki-centred fanfiction, roundabout 2014–2017 — and the more permissive culture was very much borne of Loki being seen as an exception.

Loki, of the Marvel film and comics, is an alien secretly kidnapped and adopted into the Odinson family, and is known to change his body and appearance frequently, including changing his apparent gender or expression.

He was, in the comic canon (not to mention the original Norse mythologies) quite genderfluid, after all, so even if you didn’t refer to him as explicitly transgender, you could explore him as being some variety of genderfluid, nonbinary, or intersex — as an alien, as a Jötnar as opposed to being AEsir like Thor or Odin, as a god.

But then things changed a bit more.

Welcome to Night Vale, a weird narrative horror podcast, started in 2012, and one thing you could rely on from a lot of fanfics is that people might have weird or alien or otherwise not-not cisgender but not entirely cisgender genitals either. The Magnus Archives, also a narrative horror podcast, started in 2016, and when I got into the fandom in roundabout 2019, which is also when the new Good Omens TV show was due to release and there was a resurgence of interest in the book as well, I remember experiencing a sort of newfound thing where like…

I’d had a mental block around writing many trans characters, before — I could create my own characters who were trans, but a big part of me still felt like I wasn’t allowed to just make a canon character trans if they’d never been mentioned as being trans before or made explicitly trans.

What was it that stopped me?

My own dysphoria? Perhaps a little. Maybe some lacking self-confidence.

Most of all, it just felt as though I couldn’t justify it. I couldn’t justify seeing a cis man written by cis people in a cis show and saying, “Hey, no, he’s like me, actually” — even though I could easily do it about the same character being gay or Jewish or even chronically ill or disabled.

It was like there was a mental block inside me I just couldn’t get past.

I still had a lot of the old online cultural expectations stamped onto me, I think, even being an out trans man who knew many many other trans and intersex and nonbinary people of every gender imaginable in fandom.

I think for Welcome to Night Vale and then especially for The Magnus Archives, part of what made it so easy for people to write and envisage different characters as trans, the fact that there was such limited physical description of characters, the fact that you were attached to them by their voices alone, allowed people to envisage them in whatever way they liked.

In The Magnus Archives, most of the main characters are envisaged as trans in one way or another — Daisy Tonner particularly is explored with all flavours of butch dykey complexity, trans in whichever ways or directions are juiciest and most interesting. But for so many of the characters — from Jonathan Sims and Martin Blackwood to Sasha James and Tim Stoker to Elias Bouchard to Peter Lukas to any of the other Entities — there is no end to the characters people will explore or envisage as trans or nonbinary or just straight-up outside of gender or gender-weird.

No one has to justify a period character being trans with no problems. Loads of people write Izzy Hands or Stede Bonnet or Edward Teach, as being trans in Our Flag Means Death alongside the canonic nonbinary character Jim Jimenez. Any and all characters, trans or otherwise, are invited to participate in ye olde top surgery performed by Roach, the ship’s surgeon, or somehow get hold of ye olde hormones in whatever handwavy way necessary, and it’s cool and fine.

And what’s wonderful for me is the way I see the current approach to trans characters gleefully and delightedly applied to fandoms that are years if not decades old.

I see people write House MD fanfic now where they just go, right from the beginning, yeah this or that character is trans, and they’ve always been trans, and it’s chill. What if James Wilson was trans? It’d rock, that’s what. What if Greg House was trans? Yeah, he’d probably do his own T-shots under the table.

People write Spock as trans now, or guys from M*A*S*H, or Jean Valjean.

What if in the X-Files Dana Scully and Fox Mulder were T4T? Makes complete sense, and also, the idea fucks absolutely. They’re already so lesbian vibes for each other, it fits perfectly.

I wrote a silly little Tumblr post a few weeks ago envisioning Morticia and Gomez Addams as T4T, and it blew up immediately — I think about how if I’d made that most a decade ago it would have been met with crickets, if not a bit of scorn, and not just from transphobes, but just people who like me at that time hadn’t been able to relax and have fun with it.

That’s the real crux of the matter, the impact a lot of fandom has made on me and the way that trans characterisation is approached, the hunger I have for trans characterisation now — it’s the idea of being trans as joyful and delightful, as inherently fun and sexy, but also just as being something every day and normal. A detail you can include as casually in your interpretation of a canon character as any other headcanon.

There’s a beautiful freedom in it, and I’m so grateful to have been able to learn from and grow because of other trans people paving the way with their confident headcanons and delving into trans ideas in their fic.

It’s done wonders for me everywhere — not just in my fanfic, but most of all in the original works I pen now, each one of them featuring trans character after trans character.

#musings #fandom #fandom culture

[stardustdiiving]

I would love to hear more about your thoughts regarding Wanderer being trans whenever you find the time to write about it more!

(follow up to this post)

AWESOME. okay. So. This got super long and I keep nitpicking if it clearly says every single thought that goes through my head or not so I’m just going to post it

There’s many interpretations about this headcanon I enjoy, but one particular angle I would find interesting to explore that I’ll pitch here is basically centered on a characterization where Wanderer’s internal relationship with his own transness is very tied with his non-humanness, maybe even more so than his gender.

The appeal of this angle for me is essentially having a character’s queerness tie into genshin’s overarching themes about identity & personhood, especially in regards to the relationship between divinity & humanity—themes that obviously apply to Scaramouche (and also basically every other not human genshin character I can think of that people generally agree are engaging characters)

Scaramouche (which name I use for him is intentional & reflects what era of his life I’m talking about) to me is someone who basically enforces a sense of apathy over his own emotions, especially ones relating to his sense of identity—he seeks godhood in hopes of being able to purge himself clean of experiencing (human) emotions, and therefore the vulnerability & trauma he associates with having them.

Intuitively I can see him feeling a similar conscious apathy about his gender: I see him as viewing gender identity as a “too human” trait and therefore something he’s above, basically—which is really a deeper deflection of his own insecurities with his personhood/identity.

So to Scaramouche, internally, anything about his transition or transness is less about gender and actually far more about his desire to obtain godhood, and this is a mental narrative he really sticks to because it fits in comfortably with his hatred of humans and desire for a purpose/identity for his existence as a non human entity “without a heart”.

If this were a fic I were writing, Scaramouche would undergo a lot of physical/medical transitioning during his time as a Harbringer and he would essentially be narrating & viewing anything gender affirming thing he does as him becoming closer to godhood and further from being human. This would contrast how I’d portray Kabukimono earlier on in his arc—where I imagine Kabukimono took on a lot of social transitions based on observing humans and building a sense for what human things he liked to participate in or mimic.

Kabukimono, in a manner similar to Scaramouche, might sometimes categorize some of his transness as relating to being more of a puppet/nonhuman origin thing than a gender thing, (ie getting gender dysphoria from having long hair but rationalizing it has more to do with not wanting to look like Ei), Kabukimono was more in a position of building towards his transness being a positive thing that affirmed him his sense of personhood & sense of belonging with others. By the time Scaramouche reaches the point of resenting humans, and in turn resenting his own sense of humanity in his arc, he needs to establish all parts of his identity as the farthest thing from human as possible

The irony, however, that I’d highlight in the hypothetical fic of this, is that Scaramouche’s experiences with his transness are narrated as being things no one could ever understand because of how inhuman he is—while in practice you see a lot of his trans experiences are actually pretty common ones many trans people would understand.

So like, Dottore does his canon typical physical experiments/modifications on Scaramouche, and the entire time Scara is undergoing but also gloating the entire time how he’s able to endure this because he’s not as weak as humans are—and this continues when, at Scara’s request, Dottore gives him Evil Mad Scientist Top Surgery, and he’s having this snide internal monologue about how godlike he is because of all the inhuman ways he can physically modify and mold his body to be to his liking, and then suddenly he looks in a mirror and sees himself with a flat chest for the first time and just has… like, a moment of very genuine happiness with feeling more like himself for the first time, and processing all the ways he can exist more comfortably in his body without having to work around dysphoria constantly. He imagines himself existing among humans in these brief thoughts without even realizing it, and the idea is this is written in a way that makes him sound very human—and how he seems happier when he lets himself be.

Meanwhile Dottore in the background is just, very nonchalant about this and makes some bored comment about they ought to not delay more important procedures any further if he wants to ascend to godhood anytime soon. Scaramouche kind of snaps out of it & back into his usual sort of headspace/mindset and kind of sneers at him how this was a far more significant step in ascending to godhood than Dottore could ever understand.

And after he says this he mentally pauses, because he really hadn’t been thinking of it like that before—and then wonders if it was true, because it wasn’t an experiment that made him feel more powerful like the other ones had. What he feels now is something other than more powerful—but there’s not really any other explanation for this reaction. More godly, maybe. It makes him feel not more powerful, but closer to what he wants—which is a god.

So from there my idea is Scaramouche kind of…attributes the joy associated with his top surgery, and other similar major landmarks in his transition, with his pursuit of godhood. It spurs him on to want to be a god even more, because it's solidified in his mind as the one thing he really needs to be himself/truly happy

And then he does finally reach godhood—and is plugged into the Everlasting Lord of Arcane Wisdom’s body, he’s just finds himself feeling disappointed.

He has this minor mental crisis about it where he’s not unsatisfied—he’s more exhilarated than he has ever felt in his entire life, because he feels unspeakably powerful in the way he should be. It /is/ everything he wanted, and he savors the sheer triumph and power of the movement, but it’s just not the same. It’s not enough to make him regret what it took to get here but he’s really frustrated, because he doesn’t feel happy. Which is not an emotion Scaramouche really cares about, but even one thing he wants being somewhat out of his reach when he had hoped to suppress all the unpleasantness of having emotions is deeply unpleasant for him.

I think the next time Scaramouche really feels something close to what he’d been missing is post Inversion of Genesis, after he becomes the Wanderer.

In this narrative I think it would be an extra kick in the face that Dottore had helped him with part of his transition while Scaramouche watches Dottore kill Niwa, where Dottore basically affirms Scara’s dehumanization while Niwa insists on affirming his humanity with his dying breath. There’s the obvious violation violation of realizing someone basically sabotaged your support systems to isolate/alienate you from the world, then manipulated and groomed you into joining the fatui so they could experiment on you for their own satisfaction and intrigue, but he also finds himself grappling with recontextualizing alot of his interactions with Dottore, and coming to this conclusion that Dottore was only ever vaguely interested in Scaramouche’s potential for godhood, and doesn’t care about…this other part of why that was important to Scaramouche as a person. (Which is his transness, basically)

It’s not that he ever believed Dottore cared about him or wasn’t pursuing his own interests, but I think recontextualizing how dehumanizing Dottore’s treatment + view of him is, forces him to really pick apart his transness vs desire for godhood, and realize there’s sort of a distinction between the two he hadn’t been making.

Post IoG I think this line of thinking, along with learning Niwa hadn’t betrayed him making him hate humans much less, lets Wanderer start developing a much healthier relationship with his transness, and also just his entire identity in general. He can reconcile with his own humanity, which lets him reflect on himself more, and I think eventually he can come to an answer on why becoming god wasn’t what he needed to be happy with himself + his gender.

So essentially I’d write present day Wanderer as being more comfortable with his gender than Scaramouche would be. If I were to apply our contemporary English labels/language to his gender I think he’d more or less jsut view himself as a trans guy, but I guess by technicality has a sort of “non binary” gender bc he just doesn’t view himself in terms of human binaries due to being a puppet?? That’s just my own characterization tho. All in all I bend characterizations of characters’ queerness in line with what whatever sort of transformative work I feel like doing so this isn’t even the only way I’d write trans Wanderer. Just usually the one I go off the most when portraying him as a character

#additional thing. in my og post I mentioned I kind of default view Wanderer as trans whenever I portray him in my fan works right #u can absolutely do a trans reading of the fic I wrote based off this concept of Wanderer/Makoto resemblance #I have thoughts on a more active trans reading of it that I did actually consider while writing it #even tho there wasn’t rlly a way for me to like mention wanderer’s transness naturally in the text #scaramouche #wanderer #Genshin #fandomferns #gender impact #asks #fern.txt

[transmascpetewentz]

A Short Guide To Writing Gay Trans Men

So a few disclaimers before I start:

I'm not going to talk about anything sex-related here because 1) people have made other guides and google is your friend & 2) I'm not very comfortable with it.

I am just one person, and due to the fact that I am white and thin and perisex, I will definitely have blind spots. If you want more information about intersections that don't apply to me, ask someone who it does apply to!

I did get lots of messages from trans guys giving me advice on this, but nonetheless I do not speak for absolutely everyone.

There will be very little info here on how to accurately write medical transitions because that's not something I've experienced. Google is your best friend on this one.

This is not a complete post. I will keep adding to it as time goes on. If you're seeing this post reblogged by someone else, click on the original to see if I've made any additions or corrections before you send me that anon hate and/or comment telling me to kill myself.

What Not To Do

When there is a trans male character written by a cis person, especially a cis man, there's a very solid chance that he is going to check off at least 9 of the following boxes:

Thin

White

Able-bodied

Neurotypical or LSN neurodivergent

Binary

No nuance given to his identity and expression

Sexuality not specified or elaborated on

A cis person's love interest

2 dimensional transmasc stereotype

Usually small and feminine, but not actually femme

Gay transmasc characters written by cis people are very difficult to find because cis authors will often not specify the sexuality of the trans man dating a cis man or elaborate on his connection to the MLM community. This is because many cis authors believe that writing a gay trans man is just writing a woman but switching one of the genders. This is, of course, not true, and there must be more care taken to provide nuance and create a more accurate (and non-dysphoria-inducing) representation.

Moving Past The White Twink Stereotype

This is one of the most basic bars to clear for a cis person writing a gay trans man, and yet so many continue to fail at this very simple task. Ask yourself: is your gay transmasc character a white, hairless, thin person? If the answer is yes, that's not inherently a bad thing, though it may be good to reflect on why you want to create a character like this if this is the only type of transmasc representation you write.

The biggest thing you need to do here is to give him a set of defining traits. Not physical traits, not even gender expression traits. Just personality. What kind of person is he? How does he cope with the transphobia in this world (unless you're writing a fantasy universe without transphobia)? How does he act towards strangers? How does he approach people of different genders? What is his outlook on cis people? Once you have the basics, it's time to think about his physical appearance & expression and how that has impacted his life and his personality.

You also want to avoid the trope where a gay trans man's personality is undeveloped and he is treated as an object for cis men to help them advance their character arcs. It's fine for trans men to serve a purpose like that in the story, but they need to be their own individual humans.

Writing Sexuality

If your trans male characters date men, and I cannot reiterate this enough, make them be open about their homosexuality or bisexuality. Give them a sexual orientation and make them be proud of it. Of course, not every gay trans man is going to identify heavily with a masc/fem role in gay male relationships, but you should seriously consider whether or not your character would.

Additionally, don't follow the flawed line of logic of "trans man -> vagina -> bottom -> fem/femme." It's fine to make your gay trans male characters fem but please, I swear to god please give them a good reason for being so. If you do make your character femme, be very cautious to use language that doesn't trigger actual trans men's dysphoria. Don't constantly point out the character's physical features that may be associated with femininity unless you're making a point either about his dysphoria or about how society treats him or maybe about how he comes to accept his body. However, please be extremely careful with the last one as this trope has been used in so many transphobic portrayals.

Have your gay trans male character exist in gay spaces with other gay men (both cis and trans). Have him be open about being a gay man specifically. Give him cis gay male friends. Give him trans gay male friends. Don't allow your reader to ignore the fact that he is very much a gay man.

Dysphoria

For the love of all things good, please do not write your gay trans male character's dysphoria as "from the day I was born, I knew I was born in the wrong body. I have had no internalized shame or guilting into making me doubt my transness, and it was obvious that I was not a woman." That's not how anyone's dysphoria works, even if they did know from a young age that they were born in the wrong body.

For gay trans men specifically, most of us end up realizing we're trans around either age 12 or age 20. This doesn't mean he has to be exactly that age, but that's generally the safest age to have your character's egg crack. Of course, you can sprinkle in signs that he's trans since he was a young child, but I know a lot of gay trans men and I have yet to meet one who has known since birth and has had no doubt in his mind about it. However you can and should write older gay trans men, even some who find out they're trans in their 40s or older. Representation of older trans people is seriously lacking compared to how many there are.

Don't make your character the stereotype of a straight trans man who doesn't face the specific intersection of being trans and gay. Facing this intersection does affect something even as personal as dysphoria. Many of us will have self-doubt, believe that we're disgusting fetishists of gay men, or simply exist as women in gay spaces for a time. You also have to take into account gay beauty standards & your character's upbringing to figure out what they're likely to be most dysphoric about.

hi :3

That's it for now. I'll keep adding to this post as I get feedback and suggestions. If you want more advice, feel free to send me an ask. When I get enough asks about things, I'll make an FAQ post answering some of them.

#wentz.txt #transmasc #writeblr #long post #extremely long post

[biracy]

I think it's deeply unfortunate that conversations about "representation" have become dominated by the issue of gay representation and That's It. I'm someone who thinks mainstream gay representation matters, but I also understand why it's easy for so many people to go "well I don't NEED boring lame high school romcoms for LOSERS. The only 'representation' I need is like, idk, weird furry comics made by the fagdykes online! Become unmarketable!" when the only issue on the table for them is sexuality. But I think it's not useful to take that mindset and apply it to "representation" as a broader concept, because in my experience at least it becomes quite different when the issue is less "the only mainstream representation for me is something I find kind of boring" and more "I don't think I have ever seen a person who Looks like me be presented in mainstream media in a positive or desirable light" (which applies to all sorts of stuff including trans stuff, body stuff, disability stuff, race/ethnicity stuff, etc.) Obviously I love subcultures and I love niches and I love Finding Community With Other Freaks or whatever, obviously I love that! But I also, as someone who is of Many Overlapping Marginalized Identities, Kind of want to see people who look and act and live like me be presented as People. Visibly trans characters who have things going on besides just experiencing transphobia or gender dysphoria, openly Latino characters who have things going on besides just experiencing racism or xenophobia, neurodivergent or mentally ill or socially disabled or whatever characters who have things going on besides being Weird or Creepy for the sake of a joke, chubby or fat characters who have things going on besides being demonized or mocked or A Message About Body Positivity. Characters who are People, the way like. normie white guy characters get to be lmao, and not just tools to teach some kind of lesson. "You shouldn't look for that in mainstream media/pop culture" well why not? Why shouldn't a culture's popular media represent the people that make up that culture? Not everyone is an online 20something attuned to the best queer indie art of the decade, yknow, and people who exist outside of our subcultures deserve "representation" too. Ever since I was a little kid I had an affinity for openly Latino characters on TV or in books, and that hasn't gone away. Different kinds of people Exist and deserve to be seen in art that isn't relegated to being "alternative" or "niche." Because while I am alternative, it's not my body or my upbringing or my social problems that make me that way. No human being should be considered a "deviation from the norm." Don't let art and culture forever belong to those who have deemed themselves "the norm" through continued subjugation

#open mick night #lgbt #boricuaisms #selective mutism #gender #and all the other shite i post about #oh also all of this also applies to discussions about 'slurs' re: people using 'slurs' to literally only ever mean homophobic slurs #and obviously none of this is exclusive to the specific identities i bring up (latino neurodivergence etc) that's just My lane

[blueraspberrycoke]

Best college research is in USA cost vs degree use which has a list of schools, this gives you the best loan for degree cost of the degree is the goal. Look at that and the subject then online at the best cross matches. Unless you want a social experience mostly then whatever vibes. Listen you know anti-trans bigotry like in your about has NO ethical point in feminism, it's just bigotry.

Thank you for the advice on college :)

I'm not a bigot. I'm not anti-trans. I don't think trans people are inherently evil. But I do not believe you can change your biological sex. I do not believe allowing trans women into women's sports, changing rooms, sexualities (lesbians being pressured to date trans women), etc. is good for women and girls. It's not just a belief I have, it's factually proven to be dangerous to put TW in women's prisons (1, 2, 3, 4, 5) and in bathrooms (1, 2, 3, 4, 5 [5 is written by a trans woman]).

I'm not saying I hate trans people or that I don't trust them or that teens/children who identify as transgender are "broken" or "wrong" like people have said I do. I think we have manipulated an entire generation of lesbians and homosexual boys (though not all trans-identified people are homosexual/bisexual) into believing they have to be the opposite sex. We've lied to dysphoric teens and told them they're going to die if they don't recieve gender-affirming care (see all the posts on the protecttranskids, transgenocide, transrights etc. hashtags).

This is also evident in that anytime you question someone who says trans people are experiencing a genocide, especially a younger person (like a teenager who gets all their information from Instagram and TikTok) they actually can't come up with a single example. Even when they bring up the so-called "anti-trans legislature" being passed in the United States, they can't name any specific bans, because that actually does not exist. What I linked for you is HB1276, which, if you read it, allows minors who underwent sexual reassignment surgery to sue their doctors up to 30 years after they turn 18 for malpractice if they regret surgery. Trans Legislation Tracker labels this an "anti-trans" bill.

They have reason to regret it, too. Lupron, the drug administered in FtM transition to dysphoric females, has painful and sometimes deadly side effects that gender-affirming medical clinics will not disclose with you in full. (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

Also, a disproportionate amount of FtM females are autistic, homosexual, and depressed. I care especially about these women because I'm eighteen, autistic, and a lesbian, so I really resonate with their pain and struggle. I'm not disgusted by transgender individuals and I'm not angry with them. I feel terrible for them. And I want to help.

What I think we have in the world now is an extreme lack of education. It's harming girls and women my age, when there are more affordable and better options. We've known for a long time doctors will push medicines that don't work/shouldn't be as expensive as they are in order to make money (I'm talking about things like selling insulin for $500 a vial. I'm not talking about things like vaccines.).

If you want to change your name and use other pronouns, cool, fine, whatever. I don't care what you do with your life, your money, and your time. But don't call yourself male or female when you're not. See my pinned post for why doing so harms women and men.

Transgenderism is motivated by misogyny. Go to any of the subreddits created for TW (r/Egg_irl, r/MtF, r/transgender [though that one contains trans men also]) and you'll see in every "How I knew I was trans" post that these people consider being female synonymous with being feminine, and it isn't. I'm not feminine. Does that make me a man? No. It just makes me a nonfeminine woman.

I'm not denying the existence of gender dysphoria. Many of my mutuals are desisted females who still struggle with it. But hormone therapy/SRS (sexual reassignment surgery) are very clearly not the answer. I hope this helps you understand my position better. I also hope I've not come across as condescending or patronizing in any way.

#mine #radblr #radfem #radical feminism #terfsafe #terf #actually autistic #transgender #trans #detrans #desist #detransition #feminism #wlw

[anamericangirl]

I remember seeing someone say that the only questions you should be able to ask in order to correctly identify real gender dysphoria is to ask “do you feel like your life/sense of self is in poor quality” and “do you think any of those would improve if you were the opposite sex”.

Combined with the questions I’ve seen in another ask about asking why people don’t feel like they were the sex they were born as + why you don’t feel masculine/feminine enough and who said so, I feel like there would be a lot less misdiagnoses of gender dysphoria and less “trans children”.

I’ve also wanted to ask, why do you think that there isn’t any medication for true gender dysphoria yet (besides money)? One of the things I’ve read actually made me think that, if it’s classified as a mental illness, then why isn’t there any research for creating a medication for it (like bipolar depression, ADHD, etc.)?

I feel like maybe those are the only types of questions being asked considering the amount of people identifying as trans now. It's a shame because since the treatment for gender dysphoria is so drastic and life altering it's really dangerous to have such vague qualifiers for determining if someone is actually experiencing it.

About a month or so ago I responded to someone else who was also asking why I think there might not be medications for it or more attempts to create one so I'll just repeat what I said then. There’s a lot of reasons I think could contribute to that. First, mental illnesses are hard to treat and often a medication doesn’t do much other than alleviate symptoms. Therapy is probably the best option for any type of dysphoria in my opinion because dysphoria can go away and most of the time does if you actually seek therapy and treatment rather than “affirmation.” I’ve seen studies done on detransitioners and the main reason given as to why they detransitioned was they realized their dysphoria was related to “other issues” which is something people typically find out in therapy. Another reason I think there’s not much headway in a medication for gender dysphoria is financial incentive. Medical and gender affirming institutions get a big check for every one child who transitions and they’re more interested in making money than anything else. It’s not healthcare at this point. It’s just activism.

#anon #answered

[calpalsworld]

I just realized Im over 6 months on T...!!!

My genuine review of T for others who may be considering or just interested in the topic.

Keep in mind that everyone will have different results on T. For me I am on a small dose because my T levels were already high to begin with.

Reasons why I went on T:

Was living out publicly as non binary but I would still feel upset when strangers would misgender me.

Had been wishing that I was more masc body wise and voice wise since at least high school.

Didn't have intense dysphoria but I felt very neutral about my body. It felt strange and like it wasn't progressing how I imagined it would. I had certain features that pissed me off, which I knew T would change.

Dysphoria was triggered in public interactions and when I had to acknowledge my body by myself. I felt like strangers weren't seeing me as me, and felt that I wasn't experiencing my body in the way I wanted to.

Pros:

Everything!!!

Voice that surprises me with how deep it is sometimes. When I lean back against a chair and speak I can feel my diaphragm rumble.

Menstruation stopped almost immediately.

(May be TMI but this is a major thing yet the only thing that I did not know was going to happen before starting). Rapid and significant genital changes. Psychologically helpful for me.

Hairier arms, stomach, and thighs.

Stomach fat and face fat increase. (potentially boob and thigh fat decrease but it may be placebo or just in contrast).

More facial fuzz.

Slightly veinier hands.

Slightly thicker/more muscular arms.

Looking at myself and seeing someone who looks good and confident and masc/butch and feeling great about it. Sometimes I look at myself in the reflections of building windows and get excited.

Being able to discuss T with other friends who are on T.

People misgender me as he/him and a man (Im non binary and go by they/them) more often than misgendering me as she/her and a woman now. This is still not ideal but it bugs me less.

Random queer strangers asking "are you on T!?" and being excited.

Knowing I dont have to live my life as a lie.

Cons:

My pre existing erotophobia (I'm triggered and obsessive over certain things relating to sex) has been activated as I experience new things.

My pre existing paranoia being rebranded into a trans related experience (I worry sometimes people are stalking me and planning to kill me for the slightest things I do wrong, now I worry that its because Im trans). This will go away once I work through my mental illness and internalized bigotry.

Voice hurt when the changes started (like a sore throat for a few weeks as if I was sick).

I cant do a lot of funny voices that I liked doing anymore, but I can do new voices.

New and strange sensations in genital area, during the first few weeks it was very painful (I have Pelvic Floor Dysfunction and Vaginismus so this may not be a universal experience).

Became slightly stinkier and oilier when I started, but it seems to have gone away.

I'm non binary and I still feel connected to women and I get anxious that people won't be able to comprehend that. (examples: others might not like me calling myself "butch" or sharing my experiences with womanhood). But this is internal rather than reflective of anything I've experienced. This may be entirely in my head.

Family awkwardness. Family members assuming crazy stories about how I feel. (generic things like: thinking i hate myself and am scared of men so i want to turn myself into a man?!?!😭😭😭). But friends and others do not assume these things.

(TMI but true) Thick buttcrack hair is annoying.

Future thoughts:

I feel very fortunate that my experience with T is going very well.

I know the best parts of T takes time and patience to become apparent so I am excited that I started at 21.

I am proud of achieving what I thought might only be a fantasy, and I hope I can have access to T for the rest of my life.

#transmasc #testosterone #trans hrt

[my-castles-crumbling]

Soooo, i’ve been following u for a while (adore ur microfics btw ❤️) and now I require advice… thankfully you’re good at that. 

So i’m straight. And i’ve fallen in love with this guy. He’s adorable and sweet and brave and honestly the best person I know. I met him about a month and a half ago at a work thing (he doesn’t work where I work tho, not that it matters) and we’ve been dating ever since. 

We haven’t done anything sex related yet (don’t worry this isn’t abt that). But the other day I decided we should talk about it, because he seemed super bothered by the idea (i had a hunch he might’ve been ace, which I was fine with) but it turns out it’s not that, he’s trans. 

He told me he transitioned pretty young, and that he’s had top surgery but not bottom. I reassured him this doesn’t change anything, cause it doesn’t, but to be honest, i’ve never really been around trans people? I know queer people but i’ve never had a trans friend or anything. So i’m worried about how to do this right. 

I assume it’s best to just be normal? Sex has never really mattered to me that much, so I guess in that regard i’ll just go with the flow of whatever. But I just thought, is there anything I should know or think about? 

I think this could be a really great relationship, we want the same things and get on so well. 

Maybe i’m being panicky, trying to make sure I don’t do anything that could hurt him. He asked me if it was okay that he’s trans because i’m straight. I told him that I love him and I don’t doubt that. And that I still feel straight. I still love a man. I wouldn’t really aline my sexuality with genitals anyway? 

I don’t know. I’m nervous I guess. I’ve been in plenty of different types of relationships. Good and bad. And I just don’t want to mess up or make him uncomfortable or not notice a hint he’s trying to give me? 

Look tbh I don’t totally know what i’m asking but like- advice? Please? Thanks Cas ❤️

AHHHH I think this is so cute. The fact that you're being thoughtful enough to ask is UGH. SO sweet.

So, you're ABSOLUTELY right. Sexuality has to do with gender, not body parts. So you're a girl (I'm assuming) and you're straight. Meaning you're attracted to boys. And this person, trans or not, is a boy. Simple! The fact that he is worried about your reaction is probably because he's experienced transphobia in the past. For this, just remind him that you see him as a boy, regardless of his body parts.

Trans people can deal with something called 'dysphoria' meaning they are uncomfortable (physically or mentally) because they feel like their expression or body doesn't match the gender they identify as. Dysphoria can be caused by anything - looking in the mirror and seeing something they don't like, a comment from someone else (even unintentional), or intimacy (amongst other things).

As far as sex, I'm going to break my rules here and give you some advice because I think it's important.

Sex could cause dysphoria. It's super important to note that every trans person is different. Some experience extreme dysphoria, others just a bit, others none at all! The same thing is true with intimacy- every trans person (just like cis people) has different preferences with intimacy. But this is especially true because for some trans people, intimacy could cause dysphoria because you're interacting with body parts that are normally not as...interacted with, lol.

Because of this, its super important to communicate. Ask him what he's comfortable with. What does he/doesn't he want you to touch? If you're going to use dirty talk, does he prefer certain terms for his body parts?

But here's the thing- communication is important for good, healthy sex anyways. And for a healthy relationship. And it's much better to just ask. Asking questions isn't wrong, and it shows that you don't want to make him uncomfortable. It could also be a great idea to make it clear what you've said to me- you see him as a boy, you don’t want to mess up or make him uncomfortable or not notice a hint he’s trying to give you.

Keep the communication open and everything will be fine <3

I'm going to name you adoring anon in case you write again!

#ask #asks #ask cas #adoring anon

[transtalesofdoom]

Personal experiences with Gender Roles as an AFAB Transmasc

I know not everyone's big on describing yourself with your assigned gender, but for me, it is a pretty significant part of myself and my upbringing specifically. And that's kinda what this post is about.

Growing up as a nonbinary transmasc, there weren't a lot of opportunities for me to have strong feelings about my gender, whether that'd be dysphoria or euphoria.

Presenting masculine-ish as a girl is pretty easy. It's socially very acceptable. We even have a word for it. Tomboy. If there's a non-derogatory version for feminine-presenting boys, I'm not aware of it. I wasn't a full butch tomboy, I kept my hair long and happily wore dresses to special occasions. I also wasn't exposed to particularly strong gender roles. My godfather wore his hair long. My mom being a single mom meant she had to fill the dad role too. My grandparents were equal to each other, even if my grandma was the housewife and my grandpa was the breadwinner - roles that they mostly wrapped up by the time I came around. My gender expression was never about gender, really. It was about convenience. Pants are comfier and allow free movement. Make-up just takes up time in the morning. Flat sneakers are comfier than anything with heels. I wore quite an amount of pink, not by explicit choice, but because they were convenient hand-me-downs. Wearing a pink sweater was more convenient than having to go shopping. Once I got older, I cut my hair short. Also for convenience, of course. (Spoiler: That one wasn't for convenience.) So I didn't really have an opportunity for an "aha" moment when expressing masculinity for the first time. It was just always kinda happening. And it wasn't particularly special. It wasn't like presenting more feminine bothered me, either. No "aha" moments from that side.

I think it's a little more difficult for transmascs to experience and especially identify gender dysphoria. Because growing up female, you're taught over and over that what makes you female is awful, inconvenient, and shameful. Boobs are heavy, painfully sensitive, they get in the way, and give you back problems. Wearing a bra hurts. Not wearing a bra hurts. Bras are expensive, too, but don't you dare show them in public. They're only acceptable in public when they're on poster advertisement models, looking seductively for some reason. When it comes to boobs, no one actually likes having them, but a lot of people enjoy looking at them. There's thousands of jokes about dicks or dick related masturbation. Middle schoolers draw dicks everywhere. It's the height of comedy. You ever see a vulva drawn somewhere? Know a joke or even a euphemism for masturbation involving a vulva/vagina? No, that's taboo. Periods are awful. There are so, so many things I could say here about menstruation, social stigma, pain, and so on. I'm not going to. You've heard it all before, countless times. Of course you hate your period. No one likes their period. There's another whole section I could write about women's role in society as caregivers, about emotional labor, everyday sexism, but you've heard all that as well and the post is long enough already.

Of course you hate being a woman. Being a woman is miserable.

And within this atmosphere, within this external and internalized misogyny, within this misery, how do you differentiate? How do you tell apart dysphoria and the pain of womanhood you've been told is normal? A lot of terfs use this a talking point. They like to claim that trans men are just women who couldn't cope with the misery of the patriarchy. This post isn't about debunking that, but I'd like to briefly go on record and say that they're full of shit. Trans Men are Men. Trans Women are Women.

As someone who hasn't experienced a lot of gender dysphoria or euphoria, this does leave me with the occasional wave of doubt. Are these really trans feelings? Do I just hate being a woman, the way every woman does?

Then I remember that gender is an entirely fake concept and I can do whatever the fuck I want.

#i think this is something we need to talk about more #transmascs reading this i love you and youre valid #terfs if you even look at this post i will stomp you to death with my hooves #crimes against the gender convention #long post #trans #transgender #personal #genderqueer #lgbtq #nonbinary #queer #nb #enby #transmasc #trans positivity #trans experience #trans men #trans masc #transmasculine #gender roles #misogyny #feminism #internalized misogyny #female socialization #afab

[transenbyconfessions]

Tw: Dysphoria I think

I’ve wanted to talk about this issue I’ve had as a trans man for a while now, but I’ve only just gotten the courage to say it.

So, I’m AFAB, and luckily for me, I’ve grown up to have a fairly masculine build and deeper voice (which gives me lots of euphoria when people point it out). Though, unfortunately, I have a fairly large chest. I’ll look in the mirror with masculine clothes and short hair, and I’ll be proud of myself and of my body, then I see my chest, and it ruins the whole thing.

It’s like I’m so close to what I want, but there’s always my chest there to hold me back. I’m so close it’s painful almost. It’s the one thing I hate most about my body. My chest is only one issue, and, yet, it’s the one that makes all the difference. I remember as a kid when my chest was smaller, I would get called sir, bro, dude, etc. by strangers all the time, but now strangers just think I’m a women in men’s clothes, so they call me ma’am, girl, lady, etc. I’m not in a place where I can get a binder, so that’s out of the question for me. I’ve tried sports bras, loose shirts, layers and none of it does much.

At this point, I’m not sure how much longer it’ll be until I can figure it all out. All I know is that it’ll be years.

This is the first time I’ve outwardly talked about this regarding myself, but I’m sure many others have experienced this. To all those who have and still are, I send you my best wishes!

(Whooo this one was a long rant)

Submitted May 30, 2023

#transgender #trans #trans masc #transmasc #trans masculine #transmasculine #trans man #trans boy #transgender man #transgender boy #trans guy #transgender guy #ftm #afab #dysphoria #gender dysphoria #chest dysphoria

[being-kindrad]

Q&A Panel with seven detransitioners, 2023, transcribed

The following is a transcript of the first ever Q&A panel discussion with seven detransitioners filmed on Detrans Awareness Day 2023. Seven detransitioners speak publicly and answer questions from the audience at a film screening of the documentary No Way Back: The Realities of Gender Affirming Care.

The panel discusses the medical ethics of the gender affirmation model of care for gender dysphoria, and the untold harm personally endured by detransitioners Chloe Cole, Laura Becker, Luka Hein, Estella Suarez-Hamilton, Brian Wagner, Rachel, and Shape Shifter.

The panel answers questions from concerned parents about the relationship between gender distress, social contagion, trauma, and familial relationships, and panelists give advice about maintaining and repairing relationships with children and loved ones who are experiencing identity issues.

View the panel recording here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LyJGijjI2JU 

Transcript after the break.

Panel moderator: How do you guys feel? Had you not seen [the documentary] before? Did it bring up any feelings for you guys?

Estella (female detransitioner): It brought up a lot of feelings for me. I medically detransitioned this past year and I was still maintaining my social transition, clinging on to that, and kind of hearing about the process of other detransitioners and even speaking to some people who are here today, learning how much commonalities we have with this journey. It makes you realize that “oh, well, maybe this is rare, but maybe this is not so rare as they're saying.” Especially when it comes to medical consequences. I can speak for myself with some of the effects that testosterone has had on my body—it's menopause, it's going through menopause at nineteen. And when your body's not ready for that. And there was like a list of that, the incontinence, not being able to hold your bladder, not being able to sleep because of heat flashes that are painful. It's ridiculous, thinking that a teenager should go through that, when they're just at the cusp of adulthood, so it brought up a lot of emotion realizing that I wasn't alone in a lot of that. I know that I had a conversation with Chloe earlier this year about heat flashes and that was the first time that I had spoken to anybody about the itchiness and the uncomfortableness at night and realizing that wasn't just me, you know, and that's what you hear a lot, a lot of people being like “oh, well it's just you, I guess it just didn't work out for you.” It's like, it's not just me, you know, this is something that could happen and it's exhausting. So, yeah.

Panel moderator: Can we just go down the line really quick and introduce, you guys can introduce yourself, so we know who you are and then we'll open it up for questions.

Shape (male detransitioner): Hi, I'm Shape. I'm a male detransitioner, gender non-conforming. You guys may know me from YouTube or Twitter, so this was pretty powerful, also triggering, but powerful.

Rachel (female detransitioner): I'm Rachel. I transitioned when I was like 25, lived as a “man” for like seven years, realized “oh I don't need to do this and I'm running away from other things,” so I went back to living as a woman, more or less, a year ago, and just kind of opened my eyes to kind of like the whole gaslighting of this “trans marketing” like it's you know they—well not to get too far into it, but the whole thing is weaponizing empathy to make people believe that “oh you have to affirm these kids that's the nice thing to do,” but long term, well, I think you guys know.

Brian (male detransitioner): Good afternoon, my name is Brian Wagner. In my early 20s, I had substance use disorders and mental health issues. I transitioned from male to female, I lived my life as a transgender woman for close to 10 years, I detransitioned upon sobering up and getting to see a psychologist that was not an activist. The most powerful part of this documentary for me personally was when it talked about Jung's “Shadow Self,” because I think for a lot of society and especially the trans rights movement, detransition is a reality that they're not ready to see or face or accept quite yet, so thank you.

Estella (female detransitioner): My name is Estella Suarez Hamilton. I gave an introduction already so…

Luka (female detransitioner): My name is Luka Hein and I transitioned as a minor at 16 and de-transitioned around six months ago when I was 20.

Laura (female detransitioner): Hey everyone. My name is Laura Becker. I was in the documentary. My hair was looking a little messed up at the time, I had dyed it too many home dyes, pink—thank you—for a little while it was—so yeah, some of you may know me from Twitter, Funk God artist, and I designed some of the Detrans Awareness hats and shirts that some people might be wearing so that's what you may know me from.

Chloe (female detransitioner): I'm Chloe Cole and I'm somebody who also transitioned as a minor between the ages of 12 to 16. And I've been speaking out about my experience for not much longer than a year now, since I was 17.

Shape: I guess I should tell a little more about my story since everybody has. I transitioned in my early 20s as well, the first time I ever got any kind of mental health help was when I went to Fenway House in Boston and they completely ignored my internalized homophobia, other comorbidities, and affirmed me, like there was no pushback. I got on estrogen pretty easily, but my mental health declined after that, but I attributed it to being in a “wrong body,” so unfortunately I got cleared for the sex assignment surgery. That deteriorated my mental health even further. I have complications after multiple revisions. I have urinary tract infections every month, that's why I was going to the bathroom like a million times. I am unable to have sex, I have osteoporosis, I haven't been able to get any help really from endocrinologists or even surgeons to reverse this. This is all one giant experiment I fell into when I was very vulnerable and not in a good emotional place. I definitely got sold lies and “hardware fixes” for my “software issues” that actually never went away. And my biggest push for transition was internalized homophobia, I just didn't want to be gay, because I was brainwashed from very young age that gay is bad and sinful, so the minute I realized I could escape my homosexuality, I latched onto the idea that I'm a woman, but I realized that none of those transitions solved any of my mental issues, in fact it made it worse, thank you

Panel moderator: Okay, does anybody have a question?

Audience member: Hi. Thank you all for being here, you're all very brave, and I probably follow mostly on Twitter or something. I think like a lot of parents whose kid is in this ideology, fortunately, my daughter so far has not said she wants to medicalize, but I can see just socially things sort of upping, which scares the hell out of me, because she'll be 18 next year, so I'm wondering if you guys had seen this documentary when you were 17 would it influence you [several panelists shake their head no] or is there anything that you would say to somebody at 17 who's in the grip that you like would help them like, you know, for body acceptance or whatever it would be, I would love to hear.

Estella: Yes, if I saw this documentary it would have made a difference. There are some people that are stubborn and very hard-headed and I was one of them, especially when you're 19, you think you know everything. If somebody says “oh you're gonna get menopause,” “oh I don't care,” you know, because you don't know what that means. The more information people get I think from first-hand, it makes a difference. I remember—and I said this prior to when we sat down—I didn't get top surgery. I was on testosterone for over seven years, and I was socially trans before that, and then a little bit after that, but I never went for top surgery. Specifically I can remember I watched a testimony of somebody who was transgender, they were a transman, so they were a female, and explaining that they had done all this surgery, and all this hormones, and everything, and it still—they were feeling like it wasn't resolving anything. And I remember he was this big buff bodybuilding guy and I was thinking “oh he's so beautiful I want to be like that” and he was like “don't do it, it will not fix your dysphoria” and so that gave me enough to just hold back, hold back. When I came to Los Angeles, there was no gatekeeping. I went to a very popular trans clinic down the street from here, and I was new in town. It was my first time going and talking to them, and they had an interview with me and like a car dealership, you get a packet of papers and you're good to go, like they have everything. But because I had seen the testimony, I thought “well let me just give myself some more time to think,” and the more you read about long-term and the more you talk about these surgeries and how they affect you in the end, the more you realize “well this is maybe not the most creative solution and this is probably not the most healthy solution,” so that's—I think it would make a difference, I think that absolutely this this film is a snapshot into history, and a good opportunity for people to get a different perspective. Especially because it's going from a leftist view too, so it's very nice to be able to digest that.

Brian: When I first transitioned, or started to, I specifically remember I saw the testimony of a man named Walter Heyer, he's an elderly man who I believe did in fact have the vaginoplasty and it didn't stop me. Thankfully, I never had that done, but I was well aware of it. But I was in a very delusional and ideological mindset, so I really don't think seeing this would have stopped me, I really don't. But I would have just told my former self to be careful what you wish for and don't rush into anything, because changing your gender it's not like you know, shaving your head, or you know, something like that, it's very difficult to undo and the further you go, the harder and harder…

Rachel: One thing for me, in female social circles, I definitely felt like I got “cool points” for it and I was already in my 20s, and it's got to be ten times that when you're in high school, so I feel like almost anything you would say would just fuel it even more, because it's like “oh this is something you're not allowed to do,” and it's kind of risky, so that's more exciting. And I don't know if this would help, but one of the biggest reasons I detransitioned was because I realized I felt affirmed in my identity as a “man” when I was with my female friend group, but then as you get more and more masculine, they don't see you as a woman anymore, and your brain does literally change, like there is something different with the hormones, so any kind of feelings of belonging she gets like within her current social circle, just basically imagine losing all those female friend groups, because once you look like a man, it doesn't really work the same. So like I don't know, I'm not really even sure how to explain that to a kid, but like “would you do this if you were completely alone by yourself without the affirmation of all your friends?” And she'd probably say “yeah sure I would,” but people tend to socialize in gendered groups, so just imagine if she can't socialize with her current friends, because of the way that they see her as, like, a man, later on. I don’t know how better to describe that.

Chloe: So, I'm 18 now, I'm a legal adult and as many of you know, I travel around the country talking about this subject. And there's still a lot of things that I can't do legally, like I still can't buy marijuana, or nicotine products, or alcohol. I can't rent a car. I can't even rent a hotel room. Because I'm under the age of 21. And yet, at 13, I was allowed to make the decision to change my sex. But I really don't think that 18 is just some magical age where all of a sudden you're capable of, maybe legally doing something, but that doesn't necessarily mean that you really fully understand what you're doing. I mean, the estimate right now is that most people's brain development finishes at around the age of 25, and it's probably much later for a lot of other people. But brain development aside, there's still a lot of things that people at the age of 18, at the age of 25, and even beyond, don't know about the world. When you're young, you don't really have a lot of knowledge or experience having to do with the world, and I was lucky to find out that I wanted to have kids at the age of 16, and to stop transitioning then, but not a lot of women figure that out until much later now.

Luka: I think particularly when you have a child going into this and you're worried about them heading down the path of medicalization, every situation is different, but presenting a different perspective, I feel like, couldn't hurt. They may not listen, because young people tend to be rather stubborn, but it couldn't hurt. And you know your kid doesn't stop being your child when they reach 18. You still need to be there, and let your concerns be known, with care, and compassion, and a genuine concern for their health and well-being. Keeping that line of communication open, to be that safe adult for your child, even when your child is an adult, is something that young adults still need, everyone needs, to a certain extent. And there's gonna be young people who maybe didn't transition and they reach 18, and rush into stuff, but I don't think it's acceptable to give up on them just because they maybe won't listen or they're hard-headed. If anything, that's when you need to be more compassionate and really keep that line of communication open, because they deserve for you to keep trying.

Laura: Yes, so I think that this documentary definitely would have impacted my perceptions, because although I had a lot of magical thinking, was naive, very stubborn, I was also very overwhelmed and we all started to know the kind of common wisdom “kids need structure.” Everyone needs structure, we need to order chaos, because things are very overwhelming. And I was overwhelmed, that's a lot of what passive suicidal ideation is—just being overwhelmed and your brain goes to this solution, this fantasy solution of escape, so it can deal with it at that moment, and transition is very similar, the transition fantasy. So I think I really was hungering to be helped. I was very alone, from peers and family, and I really wanted a safe adult to really sit down with me and listen to everything, and tell me that they knew how to help. Not in a pushy way, or in a controlling way, but in a way that allowed me to feel like myself, and I just never really got that, because my parents, by the point when I was 19, when I transitioned, they were exhausted, and they were not very equipped to deal with it, and there was some abuse as well, to me, psychologically. So they just kind of did emotionally sort of “give up,” and because I was so stubborn, they said “okay.” And the thing is you know, you just kind of get used to people not seemingly really understanding you, you know. Teachers didn't understand, therapists just—low quality, low, shallow, shallow understanding and so they'll say “yeah you're valid” or like “sure you can, are you sure you want to do it? Yeah okay, you know, maybe it'll help, because you're already so f-cked up, you're already so mentally ill anyway,” so they were very desperate too, my parents. But I was suicidal and had unprocessed trauma—PTSD—so, definitely keeping that connection, I know it's very difficult, but still listening and still being there, and not giving up is this inevitable outcome that “this person is just going to be messed up and they're disabled and they're mentally ill and that's their identity” and trying not to see your child as broken, because I saw myself as a broken human being that didn't deserve love or was capable of achieving happiness, so of course you're going to go to desperate measures, like surgical interventions. So I would say this documentary would have really been a relief to me, because it just provided so many calming, intelligent, rational adults that are experts in the field, they know what they're talking about. It just would have relieved my existential anxiety and overwhelm to know that there is an alternative because I thought that there wasn't. I thought it was either “I'm inevitably going to kill myself and I don't want to live anymore as myself,” or “if I transition maybe that'll help I'm doubtful about it, pretty hopeless, maybe it'll help.” I didn't realize until several years too late, I mean too late in a short-term sense, for the surgery and hormones, that there were alternative pathways, and so I have been able to cure my gender dysphoria and treat my suicidal ideation and PTSD, still working on that one, that one takes some time, but yeah, thank you.

Shape: Yeah, this definitely would have helped me. A lot of things did resonate with me, specifically how autistic people think “black and white.” I didn't feel like I could have existed on a spectrum of a gender while being a biological male. Also the way that's like, I really got obsessed with transition when I found out that it was a “possibility,” so it kind of clouded my entire judgment. Also it's the first time I've heard how dysphoria shifts, so you fix kind of like one part of your body and then you get obsessed over another part, and that actually never went away—I'm still obsessing and experiencing body dysmorphia. Yes, it would have definitely helped me, because at the time I didn't know that many trans people, and definitely didn't know anything about detransitioners, I've heard a little bit, but all the stories were like “well those people were never trans on the first place,” you know, the same things they're telling me right now, so it's a very important documentary, it was pretty well balanced, I'm glad it was not really a radical documentary, it was very factual, so I think that it could help a lot of people.

Luka: I also just wanted to add that when it comes to a parent talking to their child about this, regardless of the age of the child, or anyone in general really, it's important to remember that only telling someone “yes” and telling someone “yes, you're valid” and only affirming them and only saying “yes” is not an act of love. That's not what love is. Love is not giving in to every whim and only saying “yes.” Love is putting up those boundaries and saying “no,” and having to keep someone safe, even when they might be upset at you for it, because only saying “yes,” and only going down one path, and only affirming, isn't love, it's enabling, and I feel like that's just something that parents need to understand with this.

Panel moderator: Thank you, we're going to have another question.

Audience member: Sometimes clinicians tell parents that if you insist too much, if you try to show your children a different reality, they will dig their heels in even further. [Some panelists nod.] What is the difference between the things that do that, versus the things that you think can actually bring on a shift in understanding?

Rachel: I think it's tricky, because I feel like I had to actually, unfortunately, transition to be grounded back in reality, because you’re told all these things—the thing with transition is it's sold as this magic cure, like the snake oil to cure anything, because we don't really understand what gender is anyways, and we haven't really done this experiment culturally. There are a couple people who did it, like, way early in the 1900s, like a handful of people, but it was out of reach for most people until medical science today, so there's this huge placebo effect, and when people have these different mental illnesses, we don't really know a lot of time how to solve them, but the thing is, the power of belief works really well, and transition, there's like this whole “gender euphoria” thing with testosterone, it is very euphoric. How do you bring people back to reality without them having to actually go through it? I think, and this is the tricky thing, I think that's why we're gathered here, is that we don't really hear the downsides of transition, right, we only hear about “oh, this is this euphoric thing that's gonna be life-changing, affirming, it’s going to be this person's real authentic self, and it makes us all good people for affirming, you know these trans kids because you know we have to save them from themselves from suicide.” I don't know, I think just sharing stories of like people who have gone through transition who were, or maybe still identify as trans, but found “hey, like there are some issues with this and there are other ways we can deal with this,” whether that's recognizing there's maybe autism, maybe there's internalized homophobia, there's other kinds of traumas, I think just people being more aware that there's this other side of transition that isn't the the “rosy” side of transition.

Estella: To understand your question, like “how do you avoid them from being you know upset that you're showing them the the other way,” and I remember the mindset that I was in at 19, at the time, I came out on social media because I knew that my parents would give me pushback and I just wanted to just spring it on them and just not give them any chance to have any kind of push back to me. So I remember my mother telling me “You'll never be able to fully get a penis! You'll never be able to impregnate a woman!” all these different things that were logical arguments and I was just like “No no, Buck Angel has a penis!” you know, all these different things, and I just wanted her to hear me, I just wanted her to hear what I thought was going to be a good idea, and I think that maybe a good solution would be “Okay, well, if you want to show me your resources or propaganda or whatever, then I would like you to watch some resources that are from my side” and then that way they could feel listened to and you could see what they're actually looking at and then give them an opportunity “Okay we watched it now please would you watch this documentary with me, or would you read some of the side effects and we'll go in and see ‘Do you know what a cyst is?’ ‘Do you know where those come from?’ ‘So here are all these different side effects.’ ‘What does atrophy mean?’ ‘When a woman goes through atrophy, is it just their uterus or is it their bladder? And all the muscles that are along with that?’” because that's something I didn't know until probably about a year ago, and I'm 27, and I should have been—a doctor should have sat down and talked to me about those, but that never happened, so if you had like a little “give and take” maybe that would be helpful, that's the best solution I can think of right now, in this moment.

Luka: I think it also is, you know, it's somewhat inevitable that when you give pushback, sometimes these kids are going to be upset. It is natural in child development for each age group, is there are boundaries, and it is very natural for kids to push against those boundaries in a healthy way, and it is the job of the adults to make sure that those boundaries are still maintained and that the kid can express that pushback in a healthy way. It's unfortunate with this issue that we've seemingly, as a society, not only we just removed the boundary to push against, but put a medical system there in place. But sometimes when you push back, they're gonna be upset, and they're gonna need a space to really express that, because you know when they are upset, that is an emotion that they are having regardless of if, you know, as an adult, you feel like maybe the reason is stupid, or they're overreacting. To that child, that's a very real experience, that they are very upset about this. And whether that be that they just need some space to go blow off some steam, or they need you to be there as a compassionate adult to explain to them why you did what you did, or they just need someone to listen, it is still a parent or adult's job to do that with a sense of care, because you know you can't force someone to realize things, but you can be there, and you can be there in the best way that that kid needs. And that's going to be different for every kid, and some of them are just, they're gonna be stubborn, they're gonna be upset for long periods of time, but I think just for this issue, we can't just throw out that responsibility that even if a kid is upset, as long as you are doing what you're doing with care, and they are able to process that emotion of being upset, that that is still a good thing, because you know the parents have a lot of emotions in this and they deserve a space to process those as well. The kids are going to have a lot of emotions, and we really have seemingly taken away that space that they need to process those to come to the realization that maybe you know “hey maybe my mom isn't pushing back because she's hateful, maybe she's concerned” or you know the parent being “maybe my kid isn't acting out because you know I told them ‘no’ but maybe they're acting out because there is a deeper issue there and they are crying out for help.”

Laura: Yes, that's exactly what I was thinking. I just wanted to add on to the idea of boundaries. What I often tell parents is, you know, this isn't palatable to hear, but the reality is that whether you tiptoe around—I've known parents that tiptoe around every little thing and they're walking on eggshells all of the time and it's extremely stressful—and I know parents who just get right up in there and take charge and say “no I'm the parent and I'm doing this” and I've known both sort of methods being taken and it is up to the individual parenting style, and the relationship you have with the child, but the reality is that as Lukas said, pushing back against authority and against parental wisdom is natural, normal, and even healthy. It can be an opportunity to further develop the relationship, because a child needs to learn how to manage their emotions. They need to learn how to take “no” for an answer, they need to learn how to look critically at other people's perspectives, and so it's very difficult. But repair is the other side to preserving a relationship. There will be conflicts, sometimes severe conflicts and damage will be done to the relationship, and so I think a lot of parents are focused so much on not damaging the relationship, which is understandable, but once it is damaged, I think that's when a lot of people might get into a really worse situation than if they had focused more on just the long run, you know, each little incident or confrontation is a smaller battle in a longer war, a war of preserving a relationship and having just a healthy life for everyone involved. I think focusing on “how do you repair” learning how to repair with your child is going to be critical, because it might be a very long period of time where they're processing things and if you act resentfully towards them, or bitter, or start punishing them, overly criticizing them. This is a more severe version of what may happen, but I had a parent who would verbally abuse me and gaslight me about it, and you know, I understand that they were angry and they were emotionally dysregulated, and that shouldn't have happened, but once it did happen, there was another opportunity there, the real work could have lied in the repair, that they had an opportunity to repair their relationship and further understand my perspective, but instead of doing that, they would gaslight me about it, and say that it was my fault, and say that never happened and that they did nothing wrong and in fact, I was, you know, punishing them or being a b-tch to them, you know, it was like very manipulative, that really damaged me, to feel it was all my fault, no matter what I did. Any emotion I had was unacceptable, and so whether it's arising to the level of like verbal abuse, or just—it's a spectrum of behaviors—but being able to repair and to acknowledge, you know, “I understand that this is painful for you” and not adding a “but” into it or like “but I feel this way” or like “but you're not listening” or like “you're so difficult, you're so difficult to deal with” you know, something I've heard a lot.

[cont] Really listening, and allowing them space so that they can start to trust you again, because the more you push when there's already been a damage a fracture to the relationship, the further and further away they're going to get, and then you might try to cling on even more, they're going to keep going. So it is inevitable that there will be damage, and I do think it's more prudent in the long term to think about the bigger picture of the relationship, and you may even lose what many people consider to be the biggest battle of all, which is when they get testosterone, when they get a prescription for hormones, when they get surgery, when they become an adult and they do something permanent, the reality is that even that is only a battle in the long-term war. There is life after the surgeries, obviously none of us advise doing it, but I think a lot of parents are so focused on just preventing that surgical outcome that they may lose sight of other ways to better the relationship, and once gender is over, what if they what if they forget about gender, what if you forget about gender, what what would that even be like? Are you consuming so much of your life based around that? Is there anything else in your marriage but just talking about the kids' gender problems, for example. And I'm not criticizing anyone, but I feel, you know, think about the long term, and things come and go, you know.

Shape: I'll be quick, I feel like one thing I've learned being in trans and detrans community, a lot of us have childhood trauma and if your kid thinks that they may be trans, maybe there's some trauma you don't know about, maybe you failed to protect them from predators, maybe you're the source of the trauma, because a lot of parents have been traumatized as kids themselves so they have all those personality disorders that they kind of transfer to their kids, so sometimes you need to look at yourself as well before communicating better with your child. Also unfortunately right now a lot of trans activists such as Jeffrey Marsh are teaching children online that they should go “no contact” with their parents if parents try to push back on transgender identity, which is completely crazy. It's pretty much emotionally manipulating parents to agree to support their transition, which sucks.

Chloe: Right. I mean, I agree that as a parent there are going to be some things that you'll have to do for your child that you may not necessarily want to, that they may not necessarily want, or that might not be the best for your relationship in the short term, and for a lot of parents this does involve taking away all Internet devices like their computers, iPads, phones, whatever else might give them internet access, and I think in most cases this is a good approach, but I think that if you're going to take something away, you have to replace it with something. A lot of these kids, the problem is a lot of them are addicted to the internet, because they were introduced to at a young age, and these devices are very stimulating, and for a lot of kids, especially kids who may not necessarily have a lot of friends at school, it can give them a sense of community online, but I really don't think that the internet and technology in general is really appropriate developmentally for most kids and teens, and a lot of these kids, they don't feel like they really belong to any communities in person, they don't really have any friends at school, a lot of them are bullied, many of them aren't really active in clubs, or sports, or extracurricular programs. If you're going to take away this one big thing from them, you have to replace it with I think one of those, which they should be in already.

Brian: Yeah, just real quick, I think one of the things that would have helped me in the beginning was if I had just gotten out of my woke echo chamber at my college, like if I had someone took me surfing, or gone dirt biking, gotten into some kind of rigorous exercise, I think that would have really helped, but yeah it's true. My psychologist, when my dad wasn't down with it, she was like “eh, you just won't have a father anymore” and I cut him out of my life for many years and I regret that now but, you know, had I just gone camping with my dad a couple times, or just listened to—I mean once I started listening to—it's really corny, but I started—I listened—there was two podcasts with Joe Rogan that I listened to as a trans, I was like “no no no, I'm still a man, I like man things,” and you know, not that women can't like, you know, MMA fights and, you know, certain things, but, you know it really realized that, and being sober, I was like “I made a huge mistake,” and yeah, take your kids out in nature.

[Time is reached, panel ends. Panel moderator thanks panelists, and informs the audience about current bills being considered in the legislature.]

#gender critical #gender is a social construct #human rights #detransitioners #detrans #detransitioning #transgender #gender ideology #gender identity #youtube video #video #transcript #transgender ideology #Youtube

[gougarfem]

I want to transition so bad

I agree with radical feminism and all but theory cant relieve the sex dysmorphia. I wish you the best of luck!

Question tho: the health related risks are a large part of whats kept me from transitioning. Are you planning to start taking testosterone? If you are how do you plan on doing it in a way that poses the least risks to your health? If you’re not then in what ways can a woman transition to a trans man without hormone therapy?

Thanks!

Signed, lookupmedicalmisogyny

(Which is not my main, hence the anon)

i would naturally urge you not to transition, as i believe the vast majority of dysphoria is treatable. if you can be happy without transition, it is a much better life. better for your health, better to know you always have the support of other women, better to find comfort in the same body you've spent your whole life with. some feel the need to have some sort of medical alteration without transitioning fully or adopting the male gender role - again i advise against this, but if you really have no other option and it helps you to find comfort in your sex it is a route some go down. anything is better than spending a lifetime fighting your biological reality and adapting to living as a member of a different sex category.

i am on testosterone, and have been for several weeks - i was on it for nearly a year in the past. health for me is very much different to most people, so i don't feel qualified to give advice there. i have a chronic illness which nearly killed me multiple times and took years of my life away, so risking my health is a huge huge concern of mine and absolutely terrifying. i am under medical supervision, taking the dose i took in the past which did not seem to have immediate adverse effects (although in the future i will likely need a hysterectomy, but have wanted one for years anyway due to a very severe menstrual disorder), having regular blood tests and on constant guard for any signs of changes to my health. personally, i have found the increase in muscle mass reduces my chronic pain and leaves me more energised, but this is achievable by other means such as bodybuilding.

the reality is that testosterone is never truly safe. the effects on females have not been studied properly, and there are many anecdotal reports of the damage it can do by detrans women. i will most likely need a hysterectomy - this is not a concern for me personally, but nobody should unnecessarily remove a vital organ. vaginal atrophy, hair loss, and blood disorders are risks i have had to come to terms with. there are worse risks, and there are unknown risks. i am willing to go through this only because i am certain i can't keep living with dysphoria this severe, and have experienced it since early childhood. nobody should go through this if they have another option.

i would suggest lifting weights to build a more muscular and potentially masculine physique. feeling stronger in general can reduce dysphoria, and exercise is brilliant for your mental health, especially weightlifting as it's an instant rush rather than a more drawn-out activity where you can get lost in your thoughts. cut your hair, dress however you want, break the barriers your female socialisation imposed on you. be loud, angry, confident and outspoken. take up space. all of these things are possible as a woman, even though society says otherwise.

i would urge you to also consider the following: - when did your dysphoria start? was it impacted by factors like puberty, trauma, the realisation of gender roles?

- are you uncomfortable with the idea of being a masculine woman? how does your current expression impact your dysphoria? what about sexuality?

- can you see yourself growing old as an old man? can you see yourself growing old as an old woman? in 60 years, how do you think you'll consider gender? can you picture the future at all?

- do you experience 'gender envy'? is your identity tied to appearance, or the people you're around? is the idea of being a masculine twink with female friends more appealing than being a fully biological male? do you value your femaleness in any way, such as a sense of community, familiarity, connections with female relatives?

- if you woke up on a desert island, would you still want to transition? do you want a male body, or do you crave the male social role?

- what do you associate with womanhood? what does being a woman mean to you?

these are questions you can't answer in a day. it may take months, years, or a lifetime. but please consider them before trying to transition. if nothing else, you'll have a deeper understanding of yourself and the feelings that led you to this point.

i hope this wasn't too rambly and made some sense. i'm always open to dm if you want to discuss things further or just chat to someone who gets it.

take care <3

@lookupmedicalmisogyny

#lav.txt #asks #transition #retransition #dysphoria

[a-dragons-journal]

Hi — I’m new to this, so sorry if this isn’t something you have experience about and/or something that’s real obvious to folks in the community but.. can humans get species dysphoria??

I feel connected to being a dog. Not enough to identify as kin, or even hearted, but I’m very much connected in my heart. But outwardly I have cat energy. Enough for some friends to excessively argue that I HAVE to be a catboy and I’m outright wrong for thinking I could be a dogboy / have dog energy. Other friends are less intense about it, but still think I could go either way.

This upsets me way more than I think it should for a typical human. I’m trans and it felt similar to my gender dysphoria — I’m NOT a cat. But I still identify as entirely human?? Is this a thing that happens sometimes????

I don't see any reason why not. I think for the vast majority of people, species dysphoria will cause them to identify as nonhuman, but there's no reason you couldn't experience species dysphoria and still identify as solely human - especially in regards to "I am not this nonhuman species you keep calling me" type dysphoria. As always, if you're experiencing something, it stands to reason that it's possible to experience that thing, because if it wasn't, you wouldn't be.

Also, you probably know this already, but you should probably let your friends know that this genuinely upsets you and you aren't just pretending to be upset for the bit, because if you haven't already, they're probably thinking you're playing into the bit and not realizing they're actually upsetting you and should stop. (At least I hope that's what's happening, because otherwise they're being assholes if they do realize and they still keep going.)

#otherkin #alterhuman #rani talks #asked and answered #anonymous

[drdemonprince]

hi sorry if this is kinda ramble-y. im an 25+ introverted acearo who has never kissed or dated or "experimented" in high school/college cuz i was too focused on my grades and i think i'd would like to try sex once just see what all the fuss is about but i am also afab non-binary and i'm not "visibly trans" so i just get misgendered a lot as a "cis woman." would you have any advice on trying to not feel gender dysphoria when having sex? like, i feel like if i got flirted with by a cishet man or a cis lesbian woman, i feel like i would feel awkward and dysphoric like they are only attracted to me bc i look like a "woman" and also kinda bad like i am wasting their time. should i try to just put something in a dating/tinder/idk (dating app here) profile like "t4t" or my they/them pronouns or "ace4bi/pan" or "ace4other sex-favorable/curious aces" or a little trans flag emoji or something and hope people take the hint?

while i think i would prefer a 1-on-1 meeting for my first time, i also was worried about going to places like a total stranger's apartment/house/hotel alone and i had briefly thought about trying a public sauna since it did seem safer for the reasons that you gave to previous anon that there would be others around and security, but my city's gay baths is pretty. dinky? if google reviews of 2/5 stars are to be believed, it's kinda gone downhill since 2011 on facilities maintenance/showers/hot tub not working, etc., and is very pricey compared to other bigger cities' bathhouses. just generally disappointing i guess? and as an afab looking person, i think would only be allowed to go in on sundays which i think is their all genders day according to the website? but still, from my outward appearance, i was worried that i would get misgendered by any who approach me as a "girl" or get thought of as that stereotypical cishet girl invading gay bars/queer spaces, etc.

also, i dont like being touched on basically my entire torso/back or neck area, only limbs i think.

do you have any advice for a non-binary curious ultra-virgin/late bloomer with too many conditions for an ideal partner? should i just. try to think real hard about not thinking about getting misgendered and ignore any bad vibes/cbt/gaslight myself out of it??

or should i give up since i doubt that other extroverts who are experienced with no touch aversion issues and just looking to party/have a quick hook-up and have a good time would want to deal with introverted me and my picky-ness and gender/touch issues ruining their weekend/wasting their time?

(also i did kinda look into that surrogacy sex therapists/councilors that are apparently a thing now?? but they look like they're mostly in the cooler PNW/west coast areas. im stuck in plain boring uhh let's say think of ohio-pennsylvania-virginia tri-state area suburbs with limited car transportation. but i can get around the city by bus. its not even the cool east coast, its like mid-atlantic/midwest ugh. even some of those cuddle parties/councilors i had thought of for trying to lessen my touch-aversion are mostly west coast and texas for some reason?? my region is just too boring....)

(again sorry if this is a long ask! ^ ^ )

You should hire a sex worker!! When you're looking for something specific and you don't want to play the field it's a great great time to support your local sex workers and ask for exactly what you want. They'll treat you right. Try Tryst !

[jjkyaoi]

Multigender is a term for anyone who experiences more than one gender identity. It can be used as a gender identity in its own right, or can be an umbrella term for other identities which fit this description. Or at least, that’s how the wiki describes it.

When some people think of the term multigender they think of genderfluid, and really, I can’t blame them. Amongst the small, vastly underrepresented multigenders, genderfluid is the one that’s most known. Although, with the way it’s represented, I could argue that people don’t know jack about how being genderfluid works, but hey, that’s not what I’ve decided to complain about.

Not to sound like companies in June, but it’s a spectrum. There’s hundreds of identities—not just amongst the multigender label, but that’s what I’m focusing on—that aren’t represented amongst the media, and it’s because they aren’t simple. They aren’t understandable enough as trans, or nonbinary, or gay or bisexual, and it’s not like those are widely understood either. Peoples reaction to multigender folks is usually an instinctual, “that’s not real”, and sure, to people who don’t experience the things that multigender people do, it does sound far fetched. It doesn’t make sense. Trust me, buddy, not making sense is my whole fucking existence at this point.

I’m a little something called abrogender.

Abrogender is a gender identity with two definitions: A form of genderfluidity that changes more erratically and in a less defined way. A gender that is so intricate, and changes so quickly, that it is nearly impossible to nail down. Again, at least that’s what the wiki says.

With “micro labels” like these, it’s easy for people to say, “well, that’s just genderfluid” and yeah, it’s similar, but you can’t make that call. You don’t know what I experience and how it differs, and sure, to some people the “millions of labels under the LGBTQ+ identity” are annoying and hard to understand, but they’re there for a reason, because it isn’t as simple as labeling myself as genderfluid as it is for most people, which is another reason why you won’t see bigender, pangender, genderfaun/genderfaunet etc people being represented in media because the media doesn’t know how to represent us, or they take something as complicated as our identities—something they can’t make sense of in a blink of an eye, and call it not real.

Can you imagine how fucking frustrating that is?

I can’t describe to people who are comfortable with their gender, in the body they were born with, the type of feeling that looking in the mirror and seeing the wrong thing is. It’s hard to describe it if you haven’t experienced it, as much of this will be, but I remember I was getting more and more uncomfortable, for reasons I didn’t understand—I didn’t have access to all these millions of different labels as a kid.

I never really felt connected to being a girl. You know, it wasn’t instinctive revulsion, I didn’t “feel trapped in my body” most days, like some trans representation will have you believe. I’m not Kalvin Garrah, I’m not going to say you have to have dysphoria to be trans. I didn’t feel connected to any gender, really, but I didn’t feel without one either. If somebody were to assume I was a boy, I wouldn’t get offended, because sure! It’s not like I wasn’t a boy. Most people don’t experience that shit.

And then quarantine hit. I was on the internet more than I ever had been, because it’s not like there was much else to do, and I was allowed access to things I barely understood before. AKA, I was dipping my toes into the trans label.

Demigirl was what I started with, because at the time it felt accurate. A label where you still identify as a girl but also somewhere outside the binary? That’s exactly what I thought it was. This isn’t me shaming demigirls, you guys are so hot, sexy etc, it just wouldn’t be that simple for me. And then, as the years went on, I felt more and more disconnected from being a girl, and I picked up nonbinary like a golden star and stuck it to my shirt for a couple years, without fully reading the contract that came with it. Again, at the time, that’s what I thought it was. The idea of being a boy wouldn’t come to me for a couple years, but once I started doubting my gender again I sort of.. hid from it? The last couple weeks of identifying as nonbinary weren’t honest, and it was more so me clinging to the surface level of the trans identity just so I wouldn’t have to come out a second time. I slapped transmasc onto the nonbinary label and was hoping to god I wouldn’t fuck around and find out.

And then.. after a while, I allowed myself to look further. Bigender, and then trigender, and then pangender—none of them stuck.

One thing I did know, was that now that I was allowing myself to identify as such, I loved being a boy. I loved it. I wanted to have a flat chest, and a big, bushy beard, and for people to look at me in the store and call me sir, and to be somebody’s husband in the future—I wanted all of it. And with this, I strayed further and further away from being a girl, if that was even possible, and adopted the trans man label in 2022.

Most people would think; well, you’re a trans man. You’re not multigender. And that’s what I thought. I really did think so, I thought my gender crisis was over, I felt content, and I didn’t think much into it because it’s not like I could be wrong again, right?

Well. Some fucking god must have had it ought for me, because after a happy year of identifying as a trans man, in early 2023, I had yet another patented moment of wait.

I have been relatively open about my gender struggles here. Relatively is an understatement, I’m sure you can find a post about each label I identified as at the time I identified as it if you just search it on my account, so you can imagine how frustrating this was. I was finally content with being a trans man, and that year was really, really good. My friends were all insanely supportive, were using my correct pronouns and everything, and then I would have to do the walk of shame to tell them, again, that yeah.. I wasn’t right about this, guys :/

Out of everything, the number one thing I was worried about was annoying people. Amongst my own thoughts of faking it, of trying to be different, I really did think my close friends would get tired of me constantly saying something else. I wanted so badly to just be normal, to be simple, to be like the thousands of cis people in the world who are born with the gender they’re assigned as and don’t have a moment of questioning it—of feeling unsure, but at the same time whenever I thought about being just a girl for the rest of my life I got this sick, awful feeling in my stomach. But just being a man didn’t feel right, either.

So, what? What was I?

I still don’t know. If you assume I’m a girl, you won’t be wrong, but you won’t be entirely right, either. If you assume I’m a man, you won’t be wrong, but you won’t be right either. If you assume I’m neither, something that exists outside the binary, you won’t be wrong and you won’t be right.

I tried to be content with just being me. With saying, I don’t need a label, I am who I am! But that wasn’t true. I wanted so badly to have a label, something to explain this, something to prove that there wasn’t something wrong with me—that I wasn’t alone. That I wasn’t faking it after all.

Abrogender is the closest definition to what I’m feeling.

The definition isn’t in my own words, so it isn’t exactly what I’m feeling—hell if I’ll ever be able to explain that to people without sounding insane—but when I found that label I breathed out the biggest fucking sigh of relief. It’s the closest thing to unlabeled as I can allow myself to have, but at the same time it’s still a label. It’s still a sign that people feel how I feel, enough for there to be a definition for it. After years of switching, of nothing sticking, of feeling crazy, like I was making the whole thing up and trying to stick to one thing just to please other people, I finally, finally could breathe. And it’s not something I can explain to somebody who never has to doubt any of these things to begin with. I’m not going to force myself to tone down what I am just so it appeals to a mass of people who wouldn’t have loved me anyways. I’m not going to do that. I was miserable doing that.

So, if you think it’s not real, what I feel and how I identify, and if you think the millions of people who identify as multigender, or some label on the LGBT spectrum that isn’t easy for you to grasp are all faking it, just know that you have the privilege of never feeling a stranger in your own body, in your own mind. You have the privilege of getting up and getting ready in the morning and loving your body, never feeling like an imposter, like you have to put on a performance to please. Of course you couldn’t understand what we go through, and you know what? I am happy for you.

There's a part of me that’s bitter, that’s envious, because I’ve wanted that experience for myself for years. I can't tell you how much. But I’m learning to let things like that go. If you’re one of the millions of people who are truly, entirely happy with how you identify, then I’m happy for you.

If you asked me why I posted this, I would tell you don’t fucking know. Is it because I wanted people to understand the complexities of gender, of the vast labels and how they’re overlooked, as a person who has a lesser known label? Yeah, sure. Is it also because I wanted to just talk my shit for no apparent reason? Yes.

If you’re doubting your own gender like I was, if you feel like you’re faking it, like you’re an imposter to yourself and the people around you, I promise you that it’s going to make sense eventually. It might not be this year, or the next, but you’ll find something that’ll work. You’ll have that moment of finally being able to breathe, of that euphoria of finally not feeling alienated for something you can’t control anymore—no matter how long it takes, it will happen. And you’ll find people who’ll understand, who won’t get upset with you for being confused. There’s millions of people on this earth, and no matter how much your brain tries to convince you, there is always a group of people, no matter how small, no matter how unrepresented, that feel the same. I feel the same.

#max talks #HEYO!! #this was sitting in my google docs for months and i decided to post it finally #maybe one day i’ll stop talking about my gender #but today is not that day!! #and it might not be for years!!! #balls to the wall!! #lgbt #gay #trans #transition #transmasc #abrogender #nonbinary #multigender #genderfluid #if this doesn’t get any notes that’ll be embarassing #long post #really long post #gender fuckery is basically my brand at this point #is this even anything