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seungmoonandstars · 5 months

Text

𝒮𝑒𝒸𝑜𝓃𝒹 𝒟𝒶𝓉𝑒

Kim Seungmin/Female Reader

wc: 7.1k

rating: Mature, NON-explicit (part 2)

→ PART ONE

Part 2 of 4

The sun is coming through the trees and leaving freckles of light over Seungmin’s face and chest. His eyes are closed, hands propping him up as he leans back and stares up at the sky.

You’ve been meaning to ask the question bouncing around in your head for several minutes, but you can’t stop staring at him like this. You reach out and gently shake his foot until he looks at you.

“Hey, sorry…I didn’t mean to get quiet.”

- Seungmin is tired.

Car rides are his worst enemy if he’s trying to stay awake, especially if he ends up in the backseat. His head keeps swaying side to side. The ride is far too smooth, and he feels like a baby being lulled to sleep.

The car turns left, then right, then right again. He doesn’t need to feel it come to a stop to know he’s home.

As happy as he is to finally be done with traveling—for now, he doesn’t think he has the energy to get himself back on two feet.

He hits his neatly made bed immediately. No unpacking, no snack, no checking text messages. There is zero time between thinking about sleep and passing out; there is only a deep dreamless sleep.

____

It’s dark and warm in his room when he wakes up. His eyes stay closed tight, but he can feel how late it is. He knows he’s been sleeping far too long. Nobody bothered waking him for dinner or checking up on him, because that would have been useless. He doesn’t even mind that he missed the Giants game.

He feels much better now, until he looks down at his phone to check the time. The first problem is it’s already past midnight. The second problem is he has 43 notifications to open.

Seungmin scans over them to see if he missed anything important. Most of them look deletable, but a few he duly notes, and definitely needs to answer in the morning.

He opens the text from Choonhee, though.

Are you here for the long weekend?

He doesn’t mind texting her this late. He sends back a quick response without much thought: “I’m here until Wednesday!

Time to shower and eat.

Seungmin stands in the shower for a good fifteen minutes—clearing his mind, easing the tension he always holds in his shoulders— before finally, somewhere in the back of his memory, the part where he puts things and never ever remembers them…he remembers something.

“Oh…” he cups his face in his hands and scrubs at his cheeks, “shit.”

He takes his time getting out. An extra half an hour accidentally ignoring you isn’t going to make much of a difference now. Hair gets dried; fresh clothes thrown on. He clicks the fan in his bedroom so it pushes the warm air around. The cool night air is at least trying to find it’s way in.

Now he notices how hungry he is. Might as well find something in the kitchen before getting into a conversation. One that goes well, hopefully.

A bowl of oi-muchim, a beer, and his phone in hand, Seungmin makes himself comfortable on the couch. He pulls up Choonhee’s text messages again and hopes she still awake…

“Is it too late to text her? Do you think she’s up?”

He sends it off and tries not to watch his phone for her reply. He clicks the tv on and eats, but before his second bite, his phone goes off.

She won’t mind if it’s you

Seungmin hopes Choonhee’s right. And hopes you’ll still actually want to speak after two months of accidental silence.

Now he puts his food down, drinks some of his beer, and thinks…”what am I supposed to say at one in the morning?” He mumbles it to himself. But he starts typing anyway, letting his thumbs and his heart do the work. If he thinks too much, nothing will ever come out.

“Hey, I’m sorry I’m texting you so late. And also sorry for not getting back to you sooner. I hope you can forgive me. I’m in town for a few days if you’re interested in seeing each other.”

He reads it and rereads it. Then sends it away. It’s the best he can do.

The rest of the night is nothing but a long wait. The nap he took served perfectly as a good nights sleep, so the next few hours are spent catching up on baseball highlights, finishing a drama, and then silently obsessing over whether or not he’ll get a text back while a new show plays out in front of him .

At 7:30, Seungmin’s phone buzzes in his hand. He’s sound asleep, but still holding onto it. It wakes him right away, but it takes a moment before he can remember where he is, and what he’s doing there. Too much sleep makes his head fuzzy, and yesterday and this morning must have been a combined eleven hours.

He looks at the notification and remembers. Only the name on the screen registers in his mind before he unlocks his phone and sits up. He shakes the sleep from his head and rubs his eyes before reading…

I would love to see you

A sigh of relief. You’re not mad. Seungmin’s heartbeat picks up in his chest as he types.

“Tonight? Or today. Any time is good.”

This reply takes a little longer. He gets up to change just in case he has to run out the door to meet you. Your reply comes a few minutes later. Seungmin reads it as he’s jumping into his shorts.

I’m free all day. Do you want to come over for breakfast?

“Come over for breakfast? Are you going to make me breakfast?” he thinks out loud. He’s hoping that’s what you mean.

“I’ll be there in an hour”

____

Your internal alarm hates you. At precisely 7:25, you’re awake. Even on the weekends, you can’t sleep in. It takes a couple of minutes before you can even think about moving, but the warmth in the room and the sun peeking in eventually forces you up. You can only take so much.

Your phone, charging on the nightstand, buzzes softly. Probably an email. It buzzes again. You thought you put it on sleep mode last night, but maybe not. It’s a miracle nothing woke you up. You grab it and unplug it…

Email Spam email Work email you never opened or cleared Instagram

Text from Seungmin

“Seungmin,” you say his name out loud in case you’re still a little bit asleep. Seungmin, who you haven’t had a text from in months; who has probably been very busy and very tired when he isn’t busy, sent you a text at one in the morning.

You open it quickly, butterflies in your stomach, and read. You read it a few times. His texts are always a little longer, never one or two words. And you always read him in his voice. You’ve listened to him singing and speaking enough now that you hear it in your sleep. You don’t have to think much about your reply.

“I would love to see you”

____

There’s little time to pick up the apartment and figure out what you’re going to make for him. You do your best with what little time you have. Shower, hair, makeup…outfit. You probably should have given yourself a little more time. Too late now, he’ll be on his way soon.

It’s been nearly seven months since your blind date, but it doesn’t feel like it’s been that long. The time between his last text and today somehow felt longer. You feel like it’s going to be a first impression all over again, so you really want to give him your best. Maybe even better than last time, now that you know what you’re getting into.

In the kitchen, you start pulling things out to make, and you’re relieved to find you have something to cook for him.

You hope he likes American breakfast. You do know he likes coffee. Just a few days ago a care package came from your parents; coffee, snacks…things you miss from home. You pull out the bag of beans and start grinding.

Minutes later, or at least it feels like minutes, (the full hour, plus 20 extra minutes, has passed) you hear you phone buzz. Before you can get to it, the intercom buzzes. You grab your phone and run to the door.

“Hi I’m here”

You smile at his message and let him into the lobby before texting back, “543.” You’re surprised and a little flattered that he remembered where your building was and was confident enough to come without even confirming.

He sends a smiling emoji in reply.

Your back is against the door, eyes closed. Your picturing him walking to the elevator, pushing the button, waiting…

The elevator here is pretty slow…

He gets on and hits the 5th floor button. It comes straight up without stopping, considering the early hour. Everyone else in this building is definitely sleeping in. He turns right and walks, maybe a little hesitantly, toward your apartment, looks at the number on the door, then at your text.

He knocks gently. Three soft little knocks. You take in a deep breath; you’re more nervous than you thought you’d be. The deadbolt clicks.

When you crack the door he’s smiling down at you. You pull it open the rest of the way and stand there awkwardly for a moment. You feel like one of your eight-year-olds trying to find the right words in English. You stupidly breath out a wow and desperately hope he didn’t hear it

He stands there with one hand in the pocket of his shorts. The other hand is holding a paper bag. He swings it a little as he takes a careful step over your threshold.

“Morning.” You finally manage to say.

“Good morning,” he closes the door behind him, and his smile grows as he moves closer to you.

His face looks a little different. It’s been long enough that you’re thinking his braces have changed his smile, or maybe he’s just gotten older. The spring sun has turned his skin a few shades darker compared to October. His hair is dark and straight across his forehead; different then the last time you saw him. You’ve also gotten used to seeing him only in videos and photos. None of that does him justice. In front of you, he’s better—and you forgot how much better.

“Are you okay?” Seungmin reaches his hand toward you as if he’s going to touch your cheek, but he stops just short of you, and his hand falls slowly.

“Yeah, yeah…sorry,” you set your hand on your face where his hand should have been. “I uhhm,” you still can’t seem to find the right words. So much for a new first impression. Now what?

You put your other hand around his waist and pull yourself to him. You’re relieved when he reciprocates the embrace. He holds onto you for a while, not letting up on his grip.

“I’m sorry I didn’t keep in touch.”

Even though you had plenty of old texts to return to; to re-convince yourself that Seungmin liked you and wanted to see you again, you still needed this physical reassurance. The last two months were a lot more lonely than you care to admit, and part of you was starting to let go.

“It’s okay, I know you’re busy.”

“Still a bad excuse.” He loosens his hold on you, but doesn’t let go completely. The bag he’s holding shakes a little in his hand. “I brought this for you.”

“Another gift? You’re making me look bad.” You slide away from his grip (very reluctantly) and head toward the kitchen.

“Well, you did make me coffee. It smells good.”

Seungmin follows closely behind. The kitchen is a little bit of a mess, but cooking and cleaning at the same time is not one of your strong suits. You grab a few things and toss them in the trash, the sink, the dishwasher. You don’t even realize he’s right behind you until you turn again to grab two clean glasses.

“I can bring you your coffee. It’s a mess in here, you don’t need to see this.”

“Oh I don’t mind. You are definitely a messy cook, though. You should clean as you go!”

“Believe me, I try.” You pour the cooled coffee into a glass over ice. “I hope you like this…have you ever had Kona coffee?”

Seungmin shakes his head and smiles. You briefly wonder if he realizes how cute it is, then you pour some for yourself, “I’m sure you’ll like it.” He takes it from you and follows as you lead him out of the kitchen and into the living room.

You sit. He sits, and sips his coffee, then adjusts so he’s a little closer to you.

“How long have you been in town?” You bring your knees up to your chest and turn your body to him.

“I got in yesterday afternoon, but I fell asleep and woke up very late.”

“Oh, that explains the late text.”

“Yes, hopefully it didn’t wake you. Choonhee told me you wouldn’t mind if I texted you so late.”

“It didn’t wake me up. It was a nice surprise this morning.”

He’s bouncing his legs up and down; knees are moving together, then apart, then together again. A nervous tick, maybe. All you do know is that the movement of his thighs is distracting. You tear your eyes away, and when you do, he’s looking at you.

“How have you been?” He asks, and he’s not just making conversation. The way he speaks is sincere. “Anymore blind dates?” He whispers the last part.

“Oh, no…no,” you stare into your coffee and shake your head. “Nothing special, not since our date.”

He smiles, but says nothing.

“I did keep up with you. I caught a few of your lives, checked YouTube for new videos…”

Seungmin laughs and lays his head back against the couch, “next time we don’t see each other for a while, I will call, and we can have a real live.”

“Is that a promise?”

He thinks for a moment, “yes, promise. I’ll be a better texter…also.” He adjusts and moves himself a little closer to you.

“I’ll take either.”

“I think I just…don’t know what to say sometimes. I don’t want to say something stupid, so I don’t say anything at all. And then I forget.”

“I don’t mind if you say something stupid.” You reach out and move a piece of hair out of Seungmin’s eyes. “I’d prefer it, actually. Then I can say something stupid back.”

He tilts his head and his hair falls back over his eyes. “Good to know.”

“Are you hungry?” You move his hair again.

He looks at you without answering for a very long moment. His eyes are impossibly big and dark; bottom lip a little bit red from biting down on it. Your eyes jump from the beauty mark on his cheek (you’re also thinking about how nice it is to finally see him again without makeup), to his eyes, his nose, his lips. His hair swings back down in front of his eyes.

He brings his hand up and attempts to fix his hair, but he just shakes his head again and smiles, “yes, I am. Very hungry.”

“I guess you can help me finish up,” you reach for his hand, which he happily takes, and lead him back to the kitchen. You prepped everything, but wanted it to be fresh when you sat down to eat.

“What are we having?” He looks at the counter. Four thick slices of bread and a bowl of something milky, eggs. “Oh these I can do,” Seungmin picks up an egg and holds it next to his face. “I can fry a good egg.”

“Okay, that’s your job.” You freshen his coffee while he examines the half dozen eggs in front of him. “Make however many you want.”

“Can I make all of them?”

“Yeah,” you laugh, “I have more if that’s not enough.”

“French toast?” He examines the milky batter next to the slices of bread. “I’ve had it before, but not for a very long time.”

“Is that okay? I can always make something else.” You turn the burner on low and let the pan get warm.

“No, I want to try your french toast.”

You reach for the butter, taking great care to reach around him by placing your hand on the belt of his shorts. He watches you closely as you dip each slice of bread into the batter, and when the butter melts completely, place them neatly in the pan.

“Nice sizzle,” he whispers. And then he laughs when you laugh. “Oh, I’m doing the eggs…” He turns his burner on low, butters his pan, and cracks four of the six eggs.

Seungmin looks at you, “I don’t want to crowd them.” He nods his head at two intact eggs. “They can wait.”

“You’re the expert.”

“They will be good, I promise.”

“Even if they’re bad, I’m sure I’ll love them.”

You hear him laugh as you tend to the French toast, shaking on the cinnamon, flipping them when they’re just crispy and brown. Seungmin ooohs at them as he seasons his eggs.

“Do you prefer maple syrup or…honey?”

“Hm?” He flips the eggs carefully and takes them off the heat before turning to the selection of toppings you’re setting out.

“Can you turn my burner off?”

He clicks it off, and Seungmin finds his way to the cupboard to get a plate. He gently sets his finished eggs onto it and cracks the remaining ones into the warm pan.

“Do you like maple syrup, or do you want honey?”

“Oh…maple syrup! And strawberries.”

“And whipped cream?”

“Dessert for breakfast…” he takes one of the strawberries and bites into it.

____

You have one dining table in your tiny apartment. It has two chairs, and it’s right next to the large picture window that sits just between the kitchen and the living room. Outside is a limited view of the city. It’s nice, though. And you can afford it.

Seungmin is watching the city slowly start to move, chin resting in the palm of his hand. He has a smile on his face–it’s very subtle on his lips, but not in his eyes. You made him sit while you got the rest of the food ready, and eventually, he listened.

“Is this enough strawberries?”

He looks at you first and smiles, then at his plate. “Yes, thank you,” he waits for you to sit before whispering jal meokgetseumnida and when you pick up your fork, he follows. Seungmin opted for maple syrup, strawberries, whipped cream. He goes for the whipped cream first, eating a forkful by itself.

“Did you make this, too?” He takes another bite of it, this time with a big piece of strawberry.

You nod.

“It’s very good, it’s not too sweet.” He cuts into his French toast now, getting a bite of all three at once.

“If everything is too sweet, it ruins it.”

“Sometimes…” he says in a singsong voice, almost a whisper.

You sneak glances at him between your own bites. He’s a quiet eater this morning, but you’re comfortable sitting there with him in the silence.

“How has work been?”

“Kind of crazy.” He takes a drink of his coffee, “we will be in Japan in two weeks, and then to the US after that.” Seungmin nods to himself and divides the four eggs between you.

They do look perfect and exactly how you usually make them. Over-easy. “That’s exciting…but I’m sure it’s very exhausting.”

He picks one up and shoves the entire thing in his mouth. You can tell he wants to speak as soon as he does it, but he chews patiently. “I wouldn’t want to do anything else, but some days it is a lot. And very tiring.”

He rests his face in his hands again. He finished his food. Now he’s looking at you with the same tired eyes he’s given you before.

“Thank you for making time for me.” You say.

He sits back in his seat, smiles, shakes his head a little.

You look at him questioningly. His mannerism are cute, but you’re not quite sure how to interpret them sometimes. “What is it?”

“I’m happy to be here.”

“You are?” When you stand to clean off the table, he stands with you to help. You let him.

“Yes,” he bites into another strawberry when he gets to kitchen sink with his dishes. “I like you. You're...you're relaxing to be around. I don't feel any pressure here."

You look at him and smile, unsure of how to respond at first. "Thank you." It's not enough of a reply, you know that, but you're a little lost for words.

"Is that a weird thing to say?"

"No! Not at all. It might be the sweetest complement a date has ever given me."

Seungmin follows you wordlessly to the living room, and sits when you sit. You move a little closer to him and relax, hoping he continues to mimic you. And he does.

“Can I ask you something…um,” he purses his lips as he thinks, covers his cheeks with his hands. “Something personal I guess. Kind of. Maybe not really personal but-”

“Yes, of course you can.” You take one of his hands away from his face and hold it in yours. It’s starting to feel like the first date, except now he seems a little different than last time. Maybe he’s worn out from performing. Maybe it’s just an off day.

He’s looking down at his hand clasped in yours, “do you ever feel like, um…I guess it’s hard to put into English.”

“That’s okay, we can use whatever words feel best for you.”

Seungmin can’t help but smile at that, and a tiny laugh escapes. “I almost forgot, you teach kids. You do sound like a teacher.”

“Oh, I’m sorry! I mean…whichever language.” You pull his hand closer to you and put your other hand over it. “I’m sure between us we can figure it out.”

“You’re so sweet.”

“What’s bothering you?” You squeeze his hands even harder.

“I don’t know if you will, but if you ever meet my friends…the other members.” He stops for a moment to look at you.

You nod at him, but at the same time you’re completely unprepared for that statement. Meeting his friends? It's a big jump from where you're at right now.

“I guess I’m worried you might like them more than you like me.” His head falls back on the couch and he covers his eyes with his free hand. He sighs loudly.

“Why would you think that?” You pull him closer and shake him a little, “Seungmin…Seungmin, what do they call you when they don’t call you Seungmin?”

You get him to laugh, at least.

“Minnie,” he looks at you through his fingers. He says it again under his breath. “Min…puppy.”

“Puppy?” you scoot even closer to him, until you can almost set your chin on his shoulder. "Puppy."

He closes the gap a little.

Your forehead is almost touching his. You hold his eyes there. Then you kiss the bridge of his nose.

He leans forward and sets his head in the space between your neck and shoulder. His hair is tickling your ear, and his lips are brushing against your skin. You’re certain he can hear your blood pumping through your veins.

He lets out a long sigh. You don’t really want to say anything, you’d prefer it if the two of you could just stay like this for a little bit longer. And suddenly thinking of him leaving again (for another six months, maybe) gives you a horrible sinking feeling in your stomach.

But you need to talk to him.

“Why do you think that?”

He’s quiet for a few seconds as he searches for the right words. “There are eight of us…and sometimes I end up feeling, uhm…”

There's a long pause while you both think. He's searching for the words; you're searching his mind and his face.

”Do you feel like you're stuck behind everyone sometimes?” You think that’s what he’s getting at. You can see it in his eyes.

”Yes, I guess so. I mean, I know I am not as popular.”

It’s a hard comment for you to respond to, but the sad smile on his face makes you a little angry. Not at him, just at every single person outside of your apartment.

“Well, you’re my favorite.”

A hesitant smile appears.

Your hands close around either side of his face, and you graze your fingertips over his ears, “I’m sure the others are great, and I’m sure I could be friends with them someday...but they’re not you, and I already told you we wouldn’t make very good friends.”

You’re not sure why him being vulnerable and honest is suddenly, making you so bold, but you’re not going to question it. He’s quiet and calm as you speak, so you must be doing something right.

“I wouldn’t want anyone else here with me.” You hope he believes you, but you also aren’t a stranger to the hesitant feelings he’s obviously processing. “And I wish you could stay.”

“I can stay today!”

____

Seungmin falls asleep on your couch again. This time, though, he’s lying comfortably with his face shoved into one of your pillows and his curled up legs are almost on your lap. It’s a small couch.

You put a movie on, but he didn’t last more than a half an hour. It’s been two hours now, and you really don’t want to wake him. You’re certain he’ll get up on his own soon.

The kitchen is clean, the movie is over. You’re a little tired yourself, honestly, but you don’t think you could fall asleep while he’s here and almost in your lap. He’s a quiet sleeper, and he’s hardly moved, but you can hear his big sighs every few times he exhales.

He shifts a little when your hand touches his leg, but he settles back down immediately, and is out again. Even when your palm slides over his skin, he doesn’t move.

The soft buzz of his phone doesn’t wake him, either. But it’s going off again, and it’s the third time. You’re wondering if it’s important, but you don’t want to pry.

You run your hand over his leg again. Still nothing. It goes off again—this time it’s ringing. You can see the name on the screen without looking very hard.

“Seungmin…” You whisper. This time you gently drag your fingertips across his skin. “Seungmin?”

A little groan. His leg stretches out across your thigh. You squeeze his calf a bit and he seems to react, but not enough, so you gently move him and get up.

“Seungmin?” You kneel down until you’re face to face with him. He looks so peaceful and content, and while you hate to disturb him, you’re kind of looking forward to him slowly waking up. Saying his name isn’t getting through, though, so you place the tip of your finger at his temple and lightly trace a line down the side of his face.

A raspy mmm is all you get in return.

You bury your fingers in his hair and comb through it, kneading into his scalp a little. “Minnie?” You move down toward his neck, knead a little more, this time into a soft part of his shoulder.

His eyes open slowly, eyelashes fluttering a bit as they readjust to the sunlight in the room. He looks around before his gaze settles on you, and for the briefest moment he seems lost. But then he remembers where he is, and he smiles at you.

“Hi,” his voice is sleepy and raspy, like he hasn’t used it in a long time. He closes his eyes again.

“No no, eyes open.”

“I’m awake,” he mumbles.

“Look at me,” you lean toward his face until your noses are almost touching.

Eyes open again and he blinks a few times. “Are you gonna kiss me?” He asks, and the sleepiness in his voice is unbearable.

Yes, if he wants you to, you will kiss him. You lick your lips. But first, “your mom is calling you.”

“Oh, she’s probably wondering why she hasn’t seen me since I got home.”

“Do you want me to call and tell her you’re busy?”

Seungmin laughs and finally seems to be fully awake. He shakes his head and slowly sits himself up. “Do I have bedhead?” He rubs his eyes and runs his hands through his hair.

“A little bit.” You comb a hand through it and fix his part, “it’s cute, though.”

“Nooo it’s not,” he flattens it more and lays back against the couch. “I’m sorry I fell asleep.”

“You apologize too much.”

“Do I?”

You nod and sit down next to him, “I’m glad you were comfortable enough here to fall asleep.”

“Did I snore?” He looks a little embarrassed.

“No, you were pretty quiet. You kicked a few times, though.”

He almost apologizes, but stops himself and picks up his phone. He reads through his messages and eventually types a reply to one of them. Then he turns to you, “what should we do now that I’m well rested? Are you tired?” He throws his phone down and turns the rest of his body to you, “did you sleep at all?”

“I didn’t sleep, but I’m fine.”

“Maybe you should rest,” he smiles and tilts his head. “I can leave for a while and come back, if you’d like.”

“No, I don’t want you to leave.”

He nods, “We can try another movie,” Seungmin relaxes on the couch, pillow at his side, and extends an arm. “And if you fall asleep, we’ll be even.”

You stare at him for a long moment. It’s not until he beckons you with his hand that you realize it’s an invitation to cuddle up to him. And you take it without another moment of hesitation.

Your cheek settles against his chest, open hand spread out over his stomach. He wraps an arm around your shoulder and pulls you in a little tighter.

“Are you comfortable?” He grazes his fingertips over your forearm, very slowly, as if he’s still testing the limit of touch between you.

“I am.” You feel the goosebumps jump up on your skin, and Seungmin runs his fingers over you again, like he notices.

He does notice. You hear a breathy little laugh come from him. “Good.”

Now you think you could definitely fall asleep. He’s warm, but a good warm; not like the summer heat moving around the room. You push your face further into the space under his arm and inhale.

“What should we try to watch? Maybe something funny.”

He browses through Netflix. Meanwhile, you can feel yourself slowly slipping into sleep. But you don’t want to fall asleep. Sleeping now would just be wasted time with Seungmin, so you adjust yourself and sit up a little more.

He sits up, too. His eyes are big and a little worried.

“I don’t want to fall asleep.”

“Okay, how can we keep you awake then?”

You stare at him thoughtlessly for a few seconds. Then you feel like maybe you’re blushing because he probably (probably?) isn’t thinking the same thing your sexually frustrated mind is thinking. Now you can’t get the thought out of your head. You try not to breath out like you’ve just been holding your breath for too long.

He grins a little, so you think the thought may have crossed his mind after he said it. But he stays quiet.

“Maybe we can…go for a walk,” you say it as you exhale and then take a steady breath in. At the same time, your brain is slowly unbuckling his belt and lifting his shirt. “We should go for a walk.”

“Okay, that sounds nice.”

____

It’s warm out, but not enough to be uncomfortable.

You changed into something to show a little more skin, because you might as well try to get his mind where yours is. He may not even be interested in going there.

“So, are you allowed to date yet?” It comes out before you even decide if it’s a good thing to bring up.

Seungmin giggles. You look at him and see him covering his mouth with his hand, but the smile in his eyes is obvious.

“Sorry, that came out of nowhere…”

“It’s alright. You can ask me anything you want,” he shoves his hands in his pockets and slows his walk a bit.

“Okay, I’ll just throw questions at you as I think of them.”

“Good,” he stops and bounces on the balls of his feet, “ we should get some boba.”

You were already concerned about Seungmin being recognized on your walk, and going into a boba place seems like the most obvious way for him to be seen. But you’re not going to tell him no.

“Maybe I should go in and get us both something, it seems a little busy in there.”

“If that makes you feel better, yes.”

“It doesn’t. I just don’t want you to get any unwanted attention.”

“I think I’ll be okay,” He brushes his hand against your arm and leads you across the street. “I’m not as popular or recognizable as you might think.”

“I don’t believe that.”

“If nobody expects to see me, they’ll miss me,” he hops up on the curb like a kid. It feels like he becomes more and more relaxed as the day goes on. “But…” he pulls a black face mask from his back pocket and loops it around his ears. “I’ll be much happier if you’re more comfortable.”

____

The sun is coming through the trees and leaving freckles of light over Seungmin’s face and chest. His eyes are closed, hands propping him up as he leans back and stares up at the sky.

“Hey, sorry…I didn’t mean to get quiet.”

“I have a question.”

He sits up fully and smiles, “oh I never answered you before. No dating. Openly. Technically.” He says it like he’s not sure if he’s using his English words correctly. “Maybe that wasn’t the question.”

“It wasn’t, but I did want to know that, too.” You sip your drink and think about your question again. You had it ready to go, but Seungmin said the word openly and you lost it. “Do you know that I’m older than you?”

“No, I didn’t know. But I don’t mind.” He gets on his hands and knees and crawls closer to you. “If you don’t mind that I’m younger.”

A breeze picks up and his hair is swept across his forehead. He tousles it a little until his bangs fall back in front of his eyes.

You shake your head. “No, I don’t,” the question starts forming in your head again. “Would you ever consider dating, uhm, me? I mean, let’s say you weren’t who you are and we still somehow met. Is that something you’d…consider?

Seungmin looks at you, and his eyes have certainly never been this big before. His ears and cheeks are slowly turning red. And he’s quiet. His mouth opens a bit, but no words come out. You’re afraid you asked the stupidest question you could have possibly thought of.

You made it weird.

“You don’t have to answer. I’m sorry. Please pretend I never said that.” You lift your knees to your chest and bury your face in the space there. You whimper a little to yourself and hope he doesn’t hear it.

“That’s a tough one.”

You can’t see his face, but you can imagine it.

In reality, he’s thinking and playing with his straw. Still blushing, still smiling. If you’d just lift your head and look at him, you’d see that he’s unable to contain his smirk.

“Let’s go back to you looking up at the sky and me not talking.” You relax as much as possible and your back gently hits the grass. You spread yourself out, hoping to sink into the ground.

“No,” he sips his drink and leans back on one hand. “You asked, now it’s out there forever.”

You peek up at him briefly and see his face in the sun again; eyes closed but smirk still tugging at his lips. Quiet and thoughtful.

“Seungmin?”

No answer. You look back at the sky, but you can hear him moving and getting closer. His shadow blocks the sun from your eyes, so you open them.

“Yeah?”

“It’s okay if you wouldn’t.”

Still no answer. Your eyes close again, and then he lays down next to you. It’s a nice moment, or it would be. The birds are singing and there’s the sound of the wind through the trees. The only other people around are far enough away that you can barely hear them.

You feel like you could cry.

Maybe he just isn’t very good at letting people down. He can’t find the right words to tell you it would never work, and that’s understandable, really. He’s sweet and thoughtful and kind. He doesn’t want to hurt you. He just wants to be friends.

You cover you eyes with both hands and sigh as quietly as possible.

“I would, but…I don’t know…” he hmmms and uumms a few times. “Nobody has ever asked me out before.”

“I don’t believe that.”

“You don’t believe much.”

"If that's true, it's because you're intimidating."

"Me?" He's trying not to laugh. "I'm not intimidating! Am I? Is it my face? Do I look angry?"

"Okay, wrong word to use. You're too handsome to approach, I mean. I would have never, on my own, started a conversation with you had I seen you at that coffee shop by yourself."

Now you sit up and shade him from the sun. There’s a stray eyelash on his cheek, so you lean forward to gently blow it off.

His eyes flutter open. "I am not too handsome to approach." He whispers and lets himself laugh out loud.

“Okay fine…so I’m your first.”

“So you’re not taking it back?”

“You mentioned meeting your friends earlier. Did I interpret that wrong?”

He shakes his head.

“Then no, I guess I’m not taking it back.”

----

The trip back is not awkward. You expected him to keep his distance, physically and mentally, but he walks almost shoulder to shoulder with you the entire time. He hasn’t given you any type of answer yet, but you’re not worried about it. Part of you still wants to take it back and let things flow at a slower pace. This is, after all, only your second date. The other part of you is already on fire. It’s a tough line to walk.

Inside the apartment it’s gotten much warmer, and you regret not starting the AC before leaving. It’ll take forever to cool down now. You close the windows, lower the shades, and pull the curtains closed. Then you head to the couch and collapse onto it.

Seungmin makes himself at home by heading to the bathroom, then finding himself (and you) something cold to drink. You’re too distracted to even care that he’s digging around in your messy fridge.

“I forgot about this,” he grabs the bag from the side table and dangles it in front of his face. “Your gift.”

You sit up against the arm rest and smile at him, “thank you, Seungmin.” Inside is a small yellow dog plush. “Oh, it’s you!” You squeeze him and adjust the hoodie he’s wearing before bringing him up to your face. “Was he yours?”

“Yeah, he was mine.”

“He smells like you.”

“Is that a good thing?” He sits down by your folded legs and sets a hand just above your knee.

He’s touchy today...almost as much as you. And for never being properly asked out (now you wonder what else he hasn’t experienced), he knows just what to do to make you squirm.

You sit up a little more, bumping his hand off of you by mistake. He pulls it back a little, so you reach out and take it in yours. “Yeah, it is.”

He squeezes your hand and pulls you closer so he can place a kiss on your lips. You kiss back, but your brain takes a second to catch up with your mouth. When it finally does, you kiss hard enough to force him back against the couch.

Seungmin is better in action than he is with words today.

He doesn’t struggle against you or ease up, but pushes on with just as much enthusiasm.

You don’t know what to do with your hands, though. You have a lot of options. Through the hair? No. Neck? Maybe, but you don’t want to be too rough at this angle, and he might not be into that. Face? It’s a good option, and his cheeks are soft and nice to touch. And it's not too much.

Before you can decide, he takes your other hand and pulls until you have no choice but to swing a leg over his lap. And then his hands are on either side of your thighs.

You pull back and look at him.

He stares back, catching his breath. “I’m sorry I’m so bad at answering your questions.”

“You don’t have to.” You let your hands wander over his chest and down his sides. He squirms just a little; probably ticklish. When your hands settle on his belt, you lean in to kiss him again. On his lips, over his cheek. “I shouldn’t have put that on you.”

“I’m glad you did,” he looks down at your hands. “It was nice to be thought of like that. It felt good.”

“If I can see you again, that’s enough for me.”

“Is it?”

It really isn’t, but you decided on the walk back that anything with Seungmin would be okay. “If it’s what you can give me, yeah.”

Your needy, clingy heart feels like it’s crumbling, but you do your best to keep it from showing on your face.

“I can’t promise much, but I can try.”

You kiss him again, and without thinking it through properly; without thinking at all, really, you slide your fingers down and over the zipper of his shorts and feel the significant bulge that you somehow didn’t notice before.

Seungmin’s tiny oh and his hand wrapping around the offending wrist makes your stomach sink. His eyes are wide and fixed on you.

“Shit, I’m sorry,” you gently push yourself away from him and sit against the opposite side of the couch, hands covering your red face. “I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking…”

“It’s okay,” he giggles and adjusts himself, and you watch from behind one hand as he runs a palm between his thighs. “Please don’t be upset, you didn’t do anything wrong.” His voice softens as he speaks, and the last part is a barely audible whisper, “it was my fault.” But the grin on his face only sharpens. He’s looking down at his hands as they nervously fidget with the hem of his shorts.

“Was that uh, a first, too?” You regret asking it as soon as it leaves your mouth.

He doesn’t answer right away. You’re worried he feels embarrassed about it. And you feel weird for bringing it up. The urge to get closer to him is kept under control for now.

“It’s no big deal, Minnie…if it was.”

Using his nickname breaks him from his trance, and he looks at you, blinks, nods. “Yeah, it was.”

“Did you want that? I mean, when you pulled me on top of you.” Now you scoot a little closer. “You can give me boundaries.”

“I got caught up in the moment.” He starts, thinking and picking his words carefully. “But I did want to kiss you like that.”

“Got it,” closer still, until your knee is brushing against his thigh. “You can always stop me if I go overboard. Sometimes I can be too much.”

“Is that bad? Too much is sometimes nice.”

“I guess it depends…”

You lean forward until your forehead can lay on his shoulder. His cheek rests on your head. You stay that way until you feel yourself relaxing and drifting into a half-sleep.

“I think it’s time to rest.” You don’t move, but Seungmin lifts his head.

“That’s a good idea,” He grabs the pillow to his right and puts it on your side of the couch. “Do you want me to stay?”

You lay back on the couch and sigh. “Yeah, I do. If you want to.”

“I do…move over.”

#kim seungmin #skz fluff #skz seungmin #skz x you #kim seungmin x reader #kim seungmin x y/n #seungmin x you #seungmin x reader #seungmin x y/n #stray kids fluff #kim seungmin fluff #kim seungmin x you #skz x reader #skz smut

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duskbats · 2 years

Photo

i’m not sure if this is something that people are interested in, but i kind of wanted to make this as a personal thing anyway in case i end up losing all of my occult related mods one day. these are mods for occult sims that i have in my game and either can’t live without, or am excited to try out myself!

this is heavily inspired by many other wonderful must have mod lists, so thank you to everyone who has made one of these as this post will follow a similar layout and structure and inspired me to make my own. i’ll try my best to keep this post up to date! - updated 6th april 2024.

mods marked “new!” aren’t necessarily new mods, but are new additions to this list.

vampires.

bloody bites & wounds.

i think i’d consider this my most essential vampire mod. it’s not for everyone, as it is quite gory, but i personally love that this adds levels of blood messiness depending on how much they drink etc. it’s pretty self explanatory otherwise!

vampires can kill.

this is a fun one that just made sense to me. i’m not one to have violence mods in my games, but sometimes a vampire can get a little carried away and drink more than they should, y’know?

immersive vampires.

i’m a big fan of any mod that adds depth to the way sims can interact with each other, even if it doesn’t have a significant effect. this mod adds the ability for vampires to ask others more about vampires and confess that they’re a vampire etc.

vampire magic.

i still have yet to actually play with this mod, but it appealed to me after making my vampire the masquerade sims and the tremere clan as they’re known to be magic users of sorts. i also really like how this mod can add a special sage too, and you find out vampire spells by asking the sages!

vampire bloodlines.

reworks the vampire bloodlines a little bit, making each bloodline have a different weakness/strength level in regards to xp gain and energy drain when being exposed to sunlight.

vampire initiation ritual.

this is another mod i haven’t played with yet but i 100% plan to when the time is appropriate in my gameplay. this adds a special event for a vampire initiation, where you can invite other vampires to witness the turning of a human.

more drinks for vampires.

another mod that i’d consider essential for my gameplay, i’m always on the lookout for more vampire drinks and food as the game is lacking them! this mod only adds drinks though, featuring a simple glass of blood and a blood cocktail. these can also be accessed from the vintage glamour bar which i think is super handy.

vampire food set. & NEW plasma foods!

similar to the above mod, this features food specifically for vampires. i do wish there were more vampire recipes, though. i also wanted to mention srslysims’ cooking overhaul includes some vampire recipes too, and for those who enjoy playing with vampire toddlers, this mod is great!

plasma fruit override.

pretty self explanatory and simple. it makes the plasma fruit look more blood-like by making everything red, this is something i’ll only use sometimes depending on the vibe of the gameplay i’m doing with vampires as sometimes i want it to be more sims-like and keep with the purple theme. but i’m currently using this mod!

vampires weakness freedom.

this is something i like to be selective with with my vampires, some i want to give weaknesses and some i don’t. i used to use mccc to remove weaknesses after picking their powers but this one allows you to pick powers without requiring weaknesses, too! but you can still pick them if you’d like. i also highly recommend this creator’s other vampire mods, such as no friendship decay from hissing.

misc. vampire mods.

there are a few other minor vampire mods that i want to include but they’re not major enough for me to make a section for each, so i decided to link the creator i depend on the most for my vampire mods, zero. they have various mods that i find to be more quality of life things for vampires, such as the pass out animation being more dramatic, and many more.

spellcasters.

alchemy overhaul.

once again, one of the most important mods for spellcasters i think! this mod allows you to create the outdoor retreat potions with the cauldron, adjusted the prices and ingredients and you can also purchase alchemy ingredients at the computer.

functional spellbook.

i actually adore this mod and every spellcaster of mine has one in their home! it’s very helpful for spellcasters that live in small homes as they can learn things from the book without having to walk all the way out to a big open space to practice spells in front of their neighbours.

expanded spells collection.

another handy mod that expands on pre-existing spells for your spellcasters. it adds more depth to certain spells such as allowing to clean pets with scruberoo, adding new types of summonable undead with necrocall and more.

craftable wands, brooms & tomes.

this one is completely new to me and i actually just found it when i was compiling this list, but it seems exciting to use and a great idea for running an alchemy shop. it’s pretty self explanatory, it allows you to craft certain wands and brooms with the woodworking table. tomes can be written on the computer like a regular book.

kids can perform magic. UPDATED (untested)

i know this mod used to work at some point, but i’m not 100% sure if it does anymore as i remember having some problems the last time i had a spellcaster child in my game. i was recently browsing this creator’s patreon and discovered that i THINK this mod has been updated? i haven’t been able to test it yet but here’s hoping! but if it does work or gets updated, this is a great mod as i never understood how magic for children wasn’t a thing in RoM already.

magic realm initiation rework.

i really like the sound of this mod as i never personally liked the “mote hunt” to become a spellcaster. this mod makes it so that each sage has a different task for spellcaster initiation.

misc. spellcaster mods.

similar to vampires, i depend on zero a lot for my spellcaster mods. they have many other minor quality of life mods or spellcasters as well that i highly recommend you check out if you play with spellcasters a lot!

werewolves.

i want to add a sidenote to this section to say i actually haven’t played with any of these mods yet as i have yet to play with werewolves in general, but i wanted to include werewolves in this list regardless as there are actually mods for them now!

mooncasters.

this mod seems to essentially give the ability for werewolves to be spellcasters, but they’re called mooncasters. it seems a bit complicated to become a mooncaster, but this mod looks very well thought out and in depth!

werewolf blood kills vampires.

i put this in the werewolf section as it seems to be more beneficial for werewolves than vampires, considering it has dire consequences for vampires. but the mod name itself is pretty self explanatory!

werewolves can kill sims.

another self explanatory mod name, and similar to the vampires can kill mod. werewolves can attack and kill sims with this mod!

no relationship loss from werewolf reactions.

i never liked these features that EA adds that makes it so that all sims react negatively to occult sims, so i’m happy to have this addition in my game!

less furious werewolves.

another mod i have yet to experience, but it seems that werewolves’ fury meters fill up way too quickly so this seems like an important one.

fated mate changes.

changes the way a werewolf can find their fated mate. previously, the werewolf would have to use a romantic interaction to discover if a sim is their fated mate. now this mod can make it so that any interaction can find their fated mate. also makes it so that a werewolf can find a fated mate whether they’re an occult or not!

werewolf club activities.

allows you to add werewolf activities to a club, essentially making a club version of a werewolf pack!

werewolf tweaks. new!

pretty self explanatory. this mod features a few tweaks for werewolves such as giving vampires a venomous bite, more vicious rampages and even a tea to protect sims from werewolves.

werewolf bloodlines. new!

basically the same as the other bloodline mods included here, but for werewolves.

various occult mods.

this section will feature mods for other occults or multiple occults, considering i haven’t found enough to give them their own section yet. werewolves will be added once more mods are made and i’ve experienced them to see what mods i find useful.

occult activities.

this applies to both spellcasters and vampires, and i think it’s really useful! it allows vampires to go out hunting in a rabbit hole if you don’t feel like helping them hunt for sims to feed from, and spellcasters can forage for ingredients for their potions.

supernatural traits.

this is a great mod that allows you to add special traits to your supernatural sims. these can either add depth to a pre-existing occult sim (i.e, a vampire with a haunted trait) or make new occults all together (sort of).

enhanced aliens. CURRENTLY BROKEN - Causes wants & fears to not show up!

this mod adds some well needed features to aliens. it gives them powers such as mood boosting and draining other sims and mind control powers that allow them to command a sim to do things, plus some other stuff.

alien bloodlines.

this basically just adds bloodlines similar to those that spellcasters have to aliens, but i definitely think it’s worth using if you play with aliens!

ghastly ghosts.

something that i’ve ALWAYS wanted is the ability to make ghosts feel more unique, and this mod seemingly does exactly that. now only certain sims can see ghosts (children, occults & mediums) and ghosts can’t easily communicate with living sims anymore, making those sims that can see ghosts feel special.

dormant occult traits.

this allows sims who have a lineage of occults to be born with a dormant trait related to that occult, which is apparently something that came with werewolves. these dormant traits can be unlocked in certain ways and allows said sim to rediscover their lineage and become that occult!

various occult food.

this find was HUGE for me, considering i’m always wanting more food for vampires in particular. BUT this list features foods for other occults, too!

credit of course goes to all of the wonderful mod creators, and i want to credit those who have made mod lists before me as i was heavily inspired by those lists.

#i'm sorry if this is messy #my head is fuzzy today but i wanted to get it done #i'll try my best to keep this updated!#especially for werewolves whenever more mods come out for them #ts4 #the sims 4 #simblr #mod list #mods

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luveline · 10 months

Note

hi jade! <3 i love love love your writing! and i wanted to ask and if possible would you write zombie au steve comforting reader through a bout of depression? if not that’s totally okay!

hi my love! thank u for reading, I hope this is okay! steve zombie au. fem!reader, 1k

Steve smothers a sigh as he sits down. His knees ache from sitting with legs crossed, but he doesn't know if you're okay with him lying beside you right now. Your back stiffened as he approached, but you turn to check it's him. It's an improvement.

"I got you," he begins, a quiet sing-song, "a present. But you have to drink some water first, and then I'll give it to you."

You don't say what you claimed earlier —Not thirsty. Steve is more than thankful.

You sit up on the bed wrap. You'd let Steve take care of your hair so as not to become unmanageable last night, and you'd cried the whole time. The memory is one of Steve's worst. Him trying to be gentle, you trying to be silent.

"I really don't feel well," you say hoarsely.

"I know. I'm not trying to be mean to you, but it's because you're not getting up. I know you don't want to but if we eat something and move to the next house, you'll feel better."

You and Steve are doing something you call a neighbourhood hop, where you spend a night in one house before moving along to the next, in search of food and nice things. If there's no food, you skip houses. For a fortnight, you'd been sleeping in unfamiliar beds and eating different foods, but something in you snapped jagged a few days ago. You couldn't get up.

Steve was upset at first, then a little mad, but he realised quickly that this wasn't you being difficult. You're fucked. He's not sure how to fix it or what brought it on. You'd been smiling the night before. You'd held his hand.

You sip your water bottle.

Your eyes are glassy. Steve hesitates for a moment before reaching out to cup your cheek. He'd wiped your face clean for you this morning in a more catatonic moment, and he rubs your chapped cheek now with as much tenderness as he can manage. It's a raw expression. There's a lot of things unsaid between you, more unacted intentions, but even if you don't know how deeply Steve cares for you, you know he'd do anything for you, and he'd argue that's that's just as good.

"Can we try that today? Can we get ready to move over?" he asks.

You swallow and look down. When you nod, it's heavy with shame.

"Thank you, honey," he says, stroking your cheek. You relax into his palm.

Steve's lots of things but impenetrable isn't one of them. He loses any tentativeness to wrap you in a steel-armed hug, squeezing your front against his. "I promise you'll feel better soon,” he says.

"What's my present?" you ask.

"Oh, you heard that bit, did you?" he teases.

Steve sits back to grab the make up bag he'd found. You laugh at it weakly, but Steve tuts, "Hey, don't judge a book by its cover."

Inside is a treasure trove of fancy skin creams and things. You're not super interested, he can tell, but you're pretending for his sake. Steve takes it back to grab what he thought you'd like most, a rose lip balm with the tiniest pink tinge.

"For your dry lips," he says. "What do you think? That'll make you feel better."

"Can I brush my teeth first?" you ask.

Steve smiles. "Yeah. Of course you can."

You brush your teeth. You actually manage to get changed, new underwear and socks stolen from the dresser. It's hard finding things in sizes that fit, but you'd been lucky lately. Steve's not so fortunate.

He doesn't mind. It's nice seeing you smile at the feeling of new cotton socks.

Your energy is waning after that. Steve doesn't know he's going to get you up and walking today, he really doesn't.

"Look at this one," he murmurs, unveiling a pot of 'night cream'. He's sure it's good for all hours of the day. Unscrewing the pot, Steve lifts it to his nose for a sniff. "This'll make us look like supermodels, for sure."

"What's it smell of?" you ask.

He puts it under your nose.

"Like the lip balm," you say.

"You want to put some on?”

"Maybe later." You lay back down, covering your eyes with one hand. "Sorry, Steve… sorry."

Steve pulls at your elbow gently. "It's okay, don't hide. Here, close your eyes."

"Steve."

"It's okay. Close your eyes,” he repeats, softer.

You close them. Steve dips his finger into the moisturiser, way too much, and dabs it on your cheek. Your eyes flutter open.

"I'll get it in your eye," he warns playfully.

"That's okay."

It's harder to touch you while you're watching. He feels like there's a magnifying glass held between you enlarging all his thoughts and feelings, all his wants. He misses you. He can't do this without you. Steve wonders if you know that.

"It's so cold,” you mumble.

"It's too much," he says, wiping the excess down your neck. You lift your chin to give him better access, your eyes slipping shut once again. "You okay?"

"I think I'm tired."

"You rest up if you need to. But we're gonna go to the next house tonight. Okay?"

Your knuckles brush against his knee. "Can I have the chapstick?"

"You gonna make me put this on you, too? You're such a princess."

Steve finds he wants to. He's disappointed when you do it yourself, rubbing your fingertip against the balm and then to your lips. You're not in the same place as him, your thoughts somewhere he can't seem to reach, no matter how soft he is with you.

Steve lays down. He doesn't think about it, needling his arm behind your shoulder blades and dragging you into a selfish embrace. He's not expecting your immediate reciprocation, clumsy arm thrown over his waist, forehead pressing against his sternum. You curl in. He curls over.

"Things will get better," he promises, his breath warming the top of your head.

"Sorry," you say.

He closes his eyes, crossing his arms over your back even tighter than before. You have nothing to be sorry about. For now, you can rest. In a couple of hours you'll be back on the road.

#steve zombie!au #steve harrington x reader #steve harrington x you #steve harrington x y/n #steve harrington #steve harrington fic #steve harrington blurb #steve harrington drabble #stranger things x reader #stranger things fic #steve harrington imagine #steve harrington fanfic #steve harrington fanfiction #stranger things #stranger things 4

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pizzagame4000 · 1 month

Text

NOISETTE THEMED DOODLE DUMP ft. cheesecake and the spouses

copious hazel headcanons under the cut because i can’t help myself

first off: her name is Hazel 👍🏻 ik that’s a common one but it’s literally perfect… canon info to me

her favorite thing to do, besides making experimental food, is actually exercising! she’s an incredibly skilled acrobat and stunt artist, so she needs to be fit for that, but she also just enjoys letting the excess energy out bc she gets really cranky otherwise. she’s toned af and could wipe the floor with you - she doesn’t go around picking fights for no good reason, but if she did… heehee

she has such an unending well of passion for all of her interests that some find her to be too much but she dgaf… she’s unabashedly autistic and does NOT care if you don’t want to hear her infodump about obscure cheeseslime genetics, she will do it anyways

i like to think that, although she is very bubbly, she has an insane morbid streak that catches people off guard. she loves talking about anatomy and gross-out subjects to anyone who can stomach it, and cracks the most fucked up jokes - it’s one of the reasons her and noise get along so well. she is thinking about blood and guts because she thinks it’s interesting!!!! she will give you hyperspecific graphic threats of violence if you make her mad!!! teehee!!

i would put her at like… chaotic neutral but leaning towards good. she has an almost scientific fascination with violence and seeing what kinds of stress a body can take, and doesn’t mind watching shit unfold instead of helping… unless something actually super fucked up is going on (like way past canon typical pizza tower violence), she’s not going to bat for you lol she’s gonna grab a camera and clipboard

her interest in anatomy branches out into a love for biology, medicine and health in general - as much as she loves watching her boyfriend beat the shit out of some chump on live tv, she also loves studying how different creatures work and how to treat injuries. she almost became a doctor! but she didn’t like the rigid schedule and pressure, so she fostered her interest in dance and gymnastics, and went into television as a stunt double instead. that’s actually how she met noise! that’s why they look so much alike - she was told to inquire NTV for a job because of the resemblance. noise thought she was so cool she was asked to be his co-star instead, and they’ve been inseparable ever since.

sometimes she gets tired of the noisette persona, but she does genuinely like theo, so it’s hard. she’s been more busy with this NTV gig (that’s looking more like a full blown career) than she would like, so that’s why she opened her cafe - to do something else for once dammit!! she likes weird shit, food included!!!

i have two shipping scenarios i like, so consider these parallel universes - hazel x vigi, and hazel x vigi x noise

if you don’t like negative takes on the noise relationship i’d recommend skipping to 2 ^_^

1. her relationship with noise deteriorates bc noise can’t accept the fact that hazel doesn’t wanna be noisette all the time! they’re so busy, he barely even makes time for her anymore - he barely even tolerates her! it’s not until vigi comes into the picture that she realizes she doesn’t have to deal w that mess. but it sucks cuz noise isn’t just her bf, but also like!!! a big part of her career!!! and she does genuinely love him but he’s just!!! an uncommunicative ass!!! it culminates in hazel leaving him and crashing at vigi’s farm because fuck it, it’s her life she does what she wants. she will kiss the cheese AND rebuild her tv career, on her own terms this time baybee

2. noise and hazel still have that issue but they actually communicate like adults and fix their relationship problems, so none of that shit happens! happy ending! hazel has her own life and theo actually lets his gf know he loves her! woah! enter vigi, in: “we saw you across the bar and we really dig your vibe…” imagining vigi as a third to hazel and theo, completely out of his depth but too bisexual to care, is SO funny to me lol… like hazel and him are probably the only two together at first but over time he and theo warm up to each other more (gay intent) and it’s perfect

#pizza tower #noisette #cheesecake #pizza tower cheesecake #noisecouple #the noise #theodore noise #the vigilante #pizza tower vigilante #headcanons #noisette x vigilante #noisette x noise #i could make an entire oc out of this lol. love adding depth to characters that don’t have much in canon #she deserves it 💯#minor blood tw #just being cautious #don’t think i need to tag the legs joke but 💀 idk how i would anyways #ask to tag #i guess lol

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radioactivesweet · 1 year

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I can order Shuumatsu with Thor, Poseidon, Hades and Hercules with a human reader who loves to cook, she is always in the kitchen at home preparing something for them to eat when they arrive! (she likes to cook only at home as a hobby)

Honestly writing about cooking makes me so hungry guys 😭😭btw I believe I might have gone a little of topic o p s as usual

Thor has never minded food nor cooking much. he just saw it as an useful skill that could grant the correct amount of energies - even though with him being a god, he didn't really feel the need to follow any particular diet and didn't feel the need to try any human recipe. There was no point for him to eat human food and had no interest in trying it, before meeting you. When he discovered you passion for cooking, he just thought it was an useful skill to have for surviving purposes, since humans needed food in order to survive. So he just saw it as a way to keep yourself alive, without considering it could be a form of hobby, art or fun. But, after a while, even he couldn't help but notice the way you put your own soul into your cooking. You couldn't completely change his point of view on food, his divine nature prevented him from doing so. But he got to taste and perceive food in a different manner, to actually feel flavours and essences he had never once tasted in his long lifetime. Sometimes he would even go as far as asking you if he could taste whatever you were cooking and took pleasure in just watching you spending time in the kitchen.

Poseidon, similarly to Thor, used to see food just a human's necessity for survival - something which made humans and gods even more different from one antoher. To him it was just another sign of humanity's weakness compared to gods, who had no need for food in order to survive. The fact that humans could find cooking entertaining seemed even more silly and foreign to him - it made no sense. Yet, you seemed so happy and joyful whenever you found some new recipe or way to cook some ingredient. He would observe you mixing and cutting and blending different ingredients together, without any apparent logic. He couldn't understand why you'd spend so much time and effort on it - he saw it as nothing more than a waste. He didn't understand the appeal neither, but he guessed that, as long as it made you happy, he could give it a try. He wouldn't be going to ask you to teach him how to cook nor anything, but sometimes he may be willing to taste what you cooked. He admitted that, after all, human food wasn't that bad.

Hades during his time as the God of the Dead came in touch with many souls of mortals - some of whom told him about human recipes and traditions. Though, he never actually found the chance of trying any of it before meeting you.

The first time he interrupted you while you were cooking, Hades imemdiately got interested in what you were doing, asking what type of dish was that, how you were preparing it, the recipe, the ingredients - he made a lot of questions while keeping a detached tone, so you couldn't really tell whether he was actually interested or wanted to be respectful to you. Whenever he had some spare time though, he would more and more often come and found you while you were cooking, always showing the same amount of interest, even arriving at the point of asking you to teach him how to cook. He wanted to know firsthand why humans enjoyed cooking so much - Hades, thanks to you, understood that company played a huge part in it too. The fact that you were cooking with him made it much more enjoyable.

Heracles feels nostalgic when he first sees you cooking - it reminds him of an ancient age, when he was human and would feel the need of eating. He remembered the huntings and the dishes he cooked with Castor. He had long forgotten the feeling of being hungry and the satisfaction after a good meal. He immediately joins you, even though he doesn't know what you are cooking, but he is here to learn. Also, he reminds some recipes from when he was human, even though he doesn't know if you could cook it nor if the ingredients he used still existed. Either case, he wanted to be your assistant whenever he could and even tried to involve Hermes and Ares too, with atrocious results. He almost felt hungry after you had finished cooking - he knew it wasn't possible, but that simple action of cooking made him feel as if he was human again after thousands of years of being a god. After all, some things never changed.

#record of ragnarok #record of ragnarok x reader #ror #ror x reader #shuumatsu no valkyrie #shuumatsu no valkyrie x reader #poseidon x reader #thor x reader #hades x reader #heracles x reader #hades #heracles #poseidon #thor #shuumatsu no walkure #snv x reader #snv

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marshmugii · 1 year

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“It's the little things” || Heartslabyul

[ SUMMARY ] They say that being in a relationship with someone changes you, for better or for worse. Sometimes, you develop little habits because of your special someone.

[ CHARACTERS ] Riddle Rosehearts, Ace Trappola, Deuce Spade, Trey Clover, Cater Diamond

[ GENRE ] Fluff

[ NOTES ] These are so short but I am so tired. Anyways, FIRST POST please enjoy!!

. . . ⇢ ˗ˏˋ Riddle Rosehearts ࿐ྂ

“You have time from 3 P.M. to 5 P.M. to get some work done—with some breaks in between, of course. After that, would you like to join me for a game of croquet?”

✦ Riddle is a pretty strict person, both with himself and with others. He isn’t that different with you, but that doesn’t mean it’s bad. In fact, it helps a lot especially if you struggle with doing things in a timely manner.

✦ Riddle helps you keep track of what you need to get done, helping you have some sort of schedule to keep you from drowning in work. Of course, the way he plans things out leaves time for you to rest and spend time with him, otherwise you’d be too stressed out. The last thing he would ever want is for you to be unhappy because of him.

. . . ⇢ ˗ˏˋ Ace Trappola ࿐ྂ

“Hey, what're you doin' after school? Wanna do something fun? You were working on something yesterday, right? Let's go do that!”

✦ Ace is someone who speaks his mind and, in his own subtle way he might not even notice himself, pushes others to be better. It’s as if he has endless energy and he’s always annoying encouraging you to do something.

✦ Ace never fails to make your day exciting (though sometimes that… isn’t in a good way). Your dates will tend to be something with high energy like an amusement park, but he doesn’t mind doing something tamer if you want to do it.

✦ He’s your #1 fan, too! Just like someone cheering for a basketball team (you know. because he’s in the basketball club.), he’ll give you energy!! You wanna learn something new? Go for it! If it’s interesting, maybe he’ll even join you!

. . . ⇢ ˗ˏˋ Deuce Spade ࿐ྂ

“Where are you going? Do you need to buy food for Grim? Let me help you and carry the bags. I don't want you to carry them all the way back to Ramshackle, and at least you'll have company with you.”

✦ Deuce is genuine and he doesn’t wish to burden others. He wants to help ease the weight from your shoulders, just like he does with his mom. He can be sort of dense sometimes and doesn’t see all the cues, but he tries his best for you.

✦ He has a habit of asking what you need to get done. Whatever you need to do, whether it be studying, doing chores, or something else, he offers to lend you a hand. Now you only take half as long to sweep the floors of Ramshackle because he’s there with his own broom too! Sure, he’s not the smartest student, but at least you aren’t alone, right?

. . . ⇢ ˗ˏˋ Trey Clover ࿐ྂ

“You got a test tomorrow? Here, I actually just prepared your favorite food for you. Why don't you eat it while I help you study?”

✦ Trey was a natural worrier for the people around him. He treated them with care and looked after them as naturally as an older sibling would. He does that with you, too, no matter what you’re doing.

✦ He’s observed some of your habits and knows what you tend to snack on whenever you feel a certain way, like how you eat this when you feel stressed or that when you want to unwind. When he noticed that you were feeling particularly exhausted, he’d make something special for you, whether it be your favorite food or something he thinks you might like. Of course, he’s also concerned about your health and tries not to spoil you too much, but it’s hard when he just wants to make you smile.

. . . ⇢ ˗ˏˋ Cater Diamond ࿐ྂ

“Hey, I heard you liked this. Guess who just bought you some merch? Yup, Cay-Cay himself! It was super easy! Nope, I don't need any payment as long as you love it! And love me, too.”

✦ Cater tends to stay on top of the most popular trends, but as soon as you mention any of your likes to him, he’s following every bit of info about it, no matter how niche. His sisters pushed him to only have things be cute because that’s how they liked it, and that’s embedded in him. He normally doesn’t cater (haha get it) to his own interests. This time, however, he genuinely wants to learn more about it because it’s for you.

✦ One day, you might briefly mention your interest in something. “Hm? What’s that…? I’ve never heard of it!” is what he’d say, and now he’s listening to what you have to say about it. The next day, you’re both discussing your favorite aspects about it and he can follow along. It was tough having to learn that stuff overnight, y’know, but he’s happy enough that you get to freely enjoy what you love.

#twisted wonderland #twst #twisted wonderland x reader #twst x reader #riddle rosehearts x reader #ace trappola x reader #deuce spade x reader #trey clover x reader #cater diamond x reader

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hiswitchcraft · 1 year

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I am a witch who's trying to get back into witchcraft after an immense amount of burn out. The burn out wasn't due to the witchcraft, it was due to things piling on my brain in general. What sort of things do you suggest to ease myself back into it? If you don't have an answer that's okay, just thought to ask

I've been dealing with this myself and I actually just made a video on it that I really like not too long ago, so I think I can help you!

How to Come Back to the Craft After Burn Out (+ A Guide to doing Witchcraft with Low Spoons)

I was burnt out in general and because of the craft, particularly because of the way I was filtering my personal practice through social media. I realized a lot of my burnout was tied to pushing myself, and shame. I feel like maybe this is common. This is a mix of both personal and witchy advice, and I may be projecting, but I think you have to focus first and foremost on not rushing back in and getting overwhelmed by adding a bunch of stuff to your routine at once and trying to do everything right or perfect. A good practice or routine is sustainable, not perfect. Perfect is the enemy of good, and also the enemy of done. I've had to focus on this a lot recently.

With this in mind, you might be wondering where you should even begin when it comes to actually practicing again. Remember to go slow. I’d suggest thinking about what you were doing and interested in before and start practicing and researching whatever sounds the most fun when you’re ready. You could also go over any notes you had about your practice before, if you had a blog or something look at that, etc. You get the idea! It will help you remember and might inspire you. If you really enjoyed tarot for example, you could do that when you feel inspired to. Starting slow is important. if you want go slower you could just do whatever practices you were doing before, or like now, whenever you feel like it. You could also try working witchcraft into your routine. Routine is hard for a lot of people but it doesn’t have to be intense. It can just be adding one thing. That’s all it needs to be. It could be something you do once a month, once a week, when you wake up, after you brush your teeth, only some days or whatever you think will make you feel the best.

Of course I don’t know anything about your practice but to inspire you and others, here’s some ways you can easily introduce magic into your life.

Daily divination A tarot card every morning is what I like to do but you could use any kind of divination you like!

Meditation Meditate for a few minutes every morning/evening. Even 2 minutes makes a difference. Also, despite popular belief meditation does not have to be emptying your mind.

Dream interpretation Interpret or just journal about your dreams! Honestly journaling in general I think is great for witches.

Witchy items of the day Pick out some items to carry on you for the day. This could be crystals or herbs you want the properties of, a hag stone, or other items with properties you want to draw to you or use in your practice.

Intention in drinks & food! If you have coffee or tea every morning or day you can stir intention into it. Clockwise for things you want in, counterclockwise for things you want to banish. Or that’s the typical belief/way people suggest doing it. You can also stir sigils into it or add items to your drinks/food with or by intention.

Enchanting personal care Another way you can bring magic in your everyday life is enchanting personal care products. I’d do this for added layers of warding but you could get super creative with this and do whatever intention you like.

Sigils sigils sigils Sigils are fun to make. You can use them for a ton of other things on this list. Stir them into your drinks. Draw a sigil on your skin using lotion. Write them on your walls for warding. Sigils, sigils, ... sigils!

Spritz cleansing If you have a hard time cleansing or not a lot of energy right now when you DO have energy you can put together a mixture for cleansing using a spritz bottle and then you have it done and ready to go ahead of time for many cleansing sessions. Beware of herbs and things you add if you have any allergies/pets. Actually just research any plants you handle anyway.

Layering your wards If you’re struggling with burn out right now you probably don’t have a lot of energy so this is a tip I like for when this happens and just the long term overall. Always add small layers using different methods to your personal and spacial wards. An example of this I love is some of the above, carrying an item with strong protective properties or writing sigils on the bottom of your shoes/sewing them into your clothes/etc are some other ideas I love. Customize as needed! Be creative!

Basically just think of things you do everyday and try to make it witchy! Or think of practices you want to do more, like maybe cleansing, and figure out how to make it easier.

Also I did mention research. I think in addition to picking a practice to try again or add to your routine, picking a topic to research that sparks interest may help too. Here are some ideas for that!

Intention

Cleansing

Charging

Grounding

Warding

Circle casting

Consecration

Visualization

Meditation methods

Divination types (some are listed below)

Tarot

Oracle cards

Lenormand

Pendulums

Runes

Scrying

Astrology

Palmistry

Dream interpretation

Spell types & spell construction

Taglocks

Sigils

Other symbols & what they mean

The Theban alphabet

Color magic

Moon phases

The Elements

Correspondences of days, times, etc

Crystals

Moon water

Black salt

Plants, herbs, and spices in witchcraft

Local plants

Local history & folklore

Pantheons & their deities

Deity work

Spirit work

Astral projection

Hope this helps 💕

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khaire-traveler · 2 months

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what are ways to connect with hermes as a psychopomp/chthonic deity? aside from like when an actual death occurs. im realizing i never really have, but id like to!

Hey, Nonny, great question! I don't often see interest in this topic.

A big part of honoring Hermes' Chthonic aspects, from what I have seen, has actually been honoring the dead themselves. During the celebration of the last day of Anthesteria, for example, offerings were given to both Hermes and the souls of the dead, honoring them alongside each other. A specific food offering, called koliva, was given on that day.

With this knowledge, a good way to honor Hermes Chthonios/Psychopompos would be honoring the dead. Doing such things as visiting a loved one's grave, leaving flowers at graves (with permission, of course), and even interacting with ancestors can be ways of connecting with him more. I think another great way of devoting to him is showing kindness and respect to your fellow human. While this can be for Ouranic Hermes as well, I think having compassion to others (not at the expense of yourself) is still a great devotional act to Chthonic Hermes. As a Psychopomp, I'd have to imagine he has to be pretty compassionate towards the souls of the dead to effectively do his job. I'm sure he's helped terrified souls, furious souls, and confused souls cross the threshold into the afterlife, so practicing that same kindness towards others in your life is a great devotional act. Help life be easier and more enjoyable for one another. :) Simply working to enjoy your life can also be good. Trying things you've always wanted to try, engaging in activities that make you happy, volunteering for causes you care about - such activities could all be dedicated to him. Enjoying the life you currently have is an underrated form of devotion, in my opinion, and it's something I've found Hermes likes a lot (he's even actively helping me with it).

Something I like to do to as well is engage with media that discusses death. Two movies I recommend watching with Hermes Chthonios would be Puss in Boots & The Last Wish and Coco (I know Coco is a different culture, but the way it approaches the topic of death is very nice, I think). Also, media like Ask A Mortician on YouTube works because it engages your curiosity - a trait Hermes seems to value - and helps resolve any fears you may have towards death/educates you on the topic.

As for offerings to give to that aspect of Hermes, I would say incense that reminds you of his specific energy is a good option. You can give him classic scents he normally likes as well, such as frankincense, lavender, and myrrh. Black gemstones or rocks make a good offering as well; I'm personally a big fan of black tourmaline to represent Chthonic deities. Dedicating the tarot card Death to him from one of your decks (if any) could be good. Speaking of, any art you make of him works perfectly. In ancient Greece, butterflies were thought to be the souls of the dead, so butterfly imagery would be great, too. Giving him drink offerings such as black coffee, warm milk with honey and cinnamon, and lavender tea would work. Maybe also dedicating water placed under a new moon (I would specifically give it to him at night). A reminder that these are mostly based on UPG (some are historical)!

If anyone else has more suggestions, please feel free to share!

I hope this helps a bit. I hope you enjoy connecting with Hermes on that Chthonic level. Good luck to you, and have a good day/night. <3

#anon asks #answered asks #hermes deity #hermes worship

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beemaya · 24 days

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Harry had been nursing his drink for what seemed like hours when the rookie found him. He still couldn’t get used to the respect and some sort of messed up admiration in the eyes of newcomers. What was there to admire? He had never possessed the attributes of a good leader, had made so many mistakes to keep him awake till morning hours and after every mission he had prepared, he thought about better ways that would surely save at least a little bit more of his friends and the new kids whose names he always tried to remember. But he never thought about those better plans at the right time, always too late.

So the fact that the kids were seeking him, of all people, for advice and words of wisdom, meant that the Army had reached a new level of low.

He had stopped trying to say something meaningful long time ago. Or was it last week? Harry wasn’t sure. But he could handle the questions, he could tell them something horribly plain and impersonal. “Try to stay alive” and “Just focus on the task ahead”. It couldn’t get to him. Very little could, Harry thought.

“Captain Crosby,” the kid nodded, standing somewhat awkwardly next to Harry, ordering a drink.

They were quiet for a while, Harry being too tired to fake interest or to lie to the replacement without absolutely having to, the kid probably too shy to actually speak. Maybe it was a bet between him and his friends, go talk to some senior. Harry could remember his friends doing something like that back in States. God, it seemed like different life, when they were all alive and living, laughing and thinking things couldn’t be much worse than the training camp with thin mattresses and five types of meals rotating. Some past life, indeed.

“Can I ask you something, sir?” the boy finally spoke, making Harry tilt his head toward him. “Sure.”

“Has it always been like this?” Harry’s eyes widened. “This…I don’t know, quiet?”

The place was buzzing with voices and music, but Harry knew what the boy meant. The energy wasn’t loud and overwhelming, not like it used to be back in the day, when the 100th first got here. It was more reserved, certain tension lingering around the corners, threatening to suffocate them all if they weren’t careful. The weight of all the ghosts was right there, a never leaving presence, seemingly non-existing entity.

“You know, it feels like all of you older people are waiting for something to burst in through the door.” Someone, was Harry’s immediate thought and it startled him, even more than the kid’s observation itself.

What was he supposed to say? How do you explain to a 19-year-old boy who has no idea what war truly means apart from reduction of food and some commonly available items? That the longer you stayed here, the more you lost? That you found yourself stuck in a place where you knew, logically, that some people simply weren’t coming back, and yet still eyed the door hopefully whenever they opened?

There just was no way to describe what had been lost. Who. No words to cover the horrors, that the older ones saw and the new-comers were about to get in touch with all too soon. How could Harry tell the living kid, that all the empty spaces used to be just like him, once, ages ago? He could never get close to embodying his best friend in the whole world, Bubbles, who had seen in Harry everything, that Harry could never really believe he actually had. Who encouraged him, made him laugh, who never made mean fun of him. Or Brady, who had covered for Harry’s mistake and had never taken it against him. Or Curt, with all his talk about his true nationality, his too-soon-asked questions, and jokes and box abilities. He was the first of the huge gaps, one of the most notable deaths. The silence after his last mission roared even louder than any other before.

The one truly impossible to put into words was the disappearance of the two Bucks. How it had felt as if the very heart of the base had been ripped out and the body itself had been, still was, moving only because of some messed up law of inertia. Even if Harry tried, the kid could never understand who those two were, with their constant touching and banter, never-leaving each other’s side, Bucky’s laugh and god-awful singing and Buck’s smirk and this sweet something in his eyes whenever he was looking at his best friend that the whole squadron collectively decided not to question.

Harry was spiraling deeper and deeper into his memories, tender smile forming on his chapped lips, as he let the ghosts from corners and empty seats and beds bury him. Because he forgot to be careful, he forgot to hide, to pretend and now the ghost were breathing his air, controlling his mind a crushing his heart.

“Captain?” the kid dared to speak again, his dark eyes wide, unsure how to react to Harry’s silence and the look on Harry’s face, the pity and sadness. “Just be glad you will never be the last one left.” This was, Harry knew, hardly a response to the question but that was simply everything he could tell the boy without crumbling to pieces.

#mota #harry crosby #john egan #gale cleven #curtis biddick #bubbles payne

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sixthwater · 5 months

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Back with another yearly review! This time it's just seeing how the beginning of your year went vs where you are now. This is mainly for those who aren't sure if they've made any progress, or to see what lessons you've learned. Maybe to check what the theme of this year was? Either way, it's difficult to see where your tracks begin and end when you're the one walking the path, right?

Left → Right / Pile 1 → Pile 4)

Decks Used: Archetype Cards, Animal Spirits, Rider Waite, Sacred Creators Oracle, Fairies Oracle Deck

Disclaimer | Pinned | Tip Jar | Paid Readings

Pile One

Beginning of Year

Cards: Virgin, Zebra, IV of Swords Rx, Shift, Sacred Treasure

Very straight-forward! In the beginning of the year there was a lot of external energy present; you had a new beginning or you were very open to a lot of new experiences. I’m not getting a change in mindset because this feels more action oriented, but it’s like being very excited and rejuvenated to try new things and get back into a groove after a period of rest. Before this you might have been questioning a path or why you were doing certain things, because some cards are asking you to keep reminders of your goals or your inner child with you if you start to doubt yourself again. Also Virgin speaks to someone who keeps their innocence with them regardless of what happens, as well as a new beginning. Overall, I see you being very excited and somewhat giddy about the new opportunities around you and I keep hearing ‘getting back into it’, so a return to the external world basically! For some it could’ve been an external block but I also sense just trying out new activities and experiences (food, cultures, friends, etc).

End of Year

Cards: Queen Rx, Fox, VIII of Cups Rx, Spark of Hustle, Divine Hustle

I figured something like this would happen. I wanted to pull up a playlist of a group I can’t fully listen to on spotify, and their discography is going backwards in this video. This is what your energy feels like somewhat. I also want to note that your first pile was very earthy and there were a lot of blue-greens, meanwhile this pile is red-yellow, but feels stiff and cold. Right now it feels like that energetic and passionate energy has turned into a survivalist one. It reminds me of an earth mindset where money and finances are the driving point — which in these times I’m not too surprised. Instead of passion being a driving force, it’s about what can keep you stable and what gets people interested instead of what you enjoy doing. There’s still external activity, but it’s like clocking in/out of a job. This can also extend a bit to relationships. For some, molding parts of your personality so they enjoy your company. The other group needs to reach out and spend time with loved ones and also listen to their advice/opinion if you vent to them about your stress regarding the first portion of this reading. A piece of you is testing out things, understanding they don’t work, and trying something else out but you’re not actually processing the lesson. It’s just go go go. You need to take care of yourself as much as you can and get back in touch with things like spa days. There’s a difference between reaching deadlines and pumping out content; so which one are you doing? Come to that understanding and make sure you rest your body appropriately. Also someone needs to hear this because it keeps popping up: you are not using all the skills that you have, but are still holding onto the possibility that it’ll work out. If you work at it, there’s a higher chance it’ll work out, but simply dabbling in it won’t give you the results you’re seeking. Don’t obsess over the results if it is a hobby (they should make you happy), but if you want it to work out, you have to try harder.

Pile Two

Beginning of Year

Cards: Priest Rx (Light Attributes), Unicorn, VIII of Pentacles, Divine Masculine, Joke’s on You

You are new here or you discovered a new system. I also Never take the empty cards from the Archetype deck but it wanted to come out, so I don’t believe you did anything I’m about to explain with ill intent. It could lean to just friendships for some but it’s definitely spiritual for most of you.

There’s a feeling of superiority here. Equating it to material goods, let’s say someone got into an AP class or has a higher degree. A few percentage of them will subconsciously have a tendency to exhibit some classism (ex; this person didn’t go to college therefore they aren’t as smart as me). So specifically, it can feel like the usual case of finding this new world and realizing that some people just ‘don’t get it’. So there can be some cases of trying to explain/share this newly found knowledge but being a bit intense, or distancing from old connections in favor of those who are closer to these subjects. I see someone taking in a lot of these topics and wanting to find out as much as they can immediately which is why it feels like something is new here, because that’s usually what happens. However there’s a misleading energy so it’s like...so I wanted to have TMG on in the background for whatever reason before I pulled cards and I understand why now. Some songs are poking fun at people; usually from the pov of someone who’s a disaster talking shit about other people (ex; deadbeat, no flex, clout, etc) and that’s immediately what clicked in my mind. So it generally feels like the energy of someone at a podium shouting about the good word but they barely know it themselves? That’s the general energy I have here. As I said, for some it could be about relationships and a betrayal of some sort, possibly regarding that, but that was a flicker of a message — it’s not that strong.

End of Year

Cards: Angel, Hummingbird, Ace of Pentacles Rx, Living Poetry, Gold at the end of the rainbow

Oh this is cute! I knew it’d go this way but this is more adorable than I expected haha.There is some control on the previous energy from before. You’re still expressing yourself and communicating with others, but it’s more organized? It’s when people come to you instead of you going to them, or you post stuff online. Perhaps you have a separate account to help mitigate those urges to express all the ideas in your head! So you can still share how you feel, but it’s not gaining the previous reaction mentioned before. As I said, there was never ill intent and you do want to legitimately help people. It feels like you found solace in whatever practice it was and you just want others to be able to feel the same, thus you’re trying to find the best way to do so. The Gold card mentions that you should stay focused, as you will soon reach your goal. I don’t believe it’s monetary. I’d be shocked if you weren’t new because you have the same progress that most of us have haha. When you start off, you want to express these feelings to people, you make a lot of connections and you just say them, and sometimes people just find it annoying if it’s the wrong crowd. Eventually you will find a good balance, and usually you want to start off doing it for free and to help people because it makes you happy! That’s what I’m seeing here. There’s a sweet energy coming from this section and I can see you trying to reject people’s offers to pay you for something. I’d be a bit surprised if you weren’t active in the community somewhere (whether that’s in a discord server or actively posting).

Pile Three

Beginning of Year

Cards: Victim, Beaver, King of Cups Rx, Fearless Expression, Time to tinker

Shadow work. Definitely going through negative traits you have, and confronting any past demons that have been holding you back. Enforcing boundaries, standing up for yourself, and doing your best to try and put yourself first. I don’t see you closing yourself off or becoming more cold, but it’s more like wanting a better life. You have a future that you want, and you know the steps you need to take in order to achieve it. It’s like the order of the cards; The Star comes after The Tower — that’s what I feel like happened to you but more like internally/emotionally before you started enforcing it. There’s a possibility that a few of you might be going to therapy considering some sort of expression is here, but for a majority of you it’s just placing boundaries down for what you will and will not accept into your lives.

End of Year

Cards: Hermit, Beaver, Knight of Pentacles Rx, Bliss, Sacred Treasure

Special Note: Hermit wanted to come out from the tarot but it flipped back in

Veerrryy slowed down. Focusing on yourself, your loved ones, and what’s important to you. Self-care is super prominent here. There’s a pinch of health issues for someone (you being the care-taker?) but that’s a very specific message. The point however is that you’ve basically gone into the woods to do some rebuilding from the ground up. To find your inner child, see what’s upset them and make them happy again. You want to feel peace purely from within, and you’re trying to create healthier habits around your spiritual practice or your mindset. I can see meditation, however there is also a big piece of re-framing how you see yourself and talk to yourself. Instead of negative talk it’s being more patient and reaffirming your positive qualities. I feel very calm and it’s a beautiful energy here, so if you feel like you’re not making progress don’t be fooled, you are. There’s a lot of realigning with yourself until you can head back into the over-stimulation of what society can bring. I think it’s important to note that I wanted to watch a supernatural ghost hunting youtube channel while doing this, and they have a halloween special which is heavily edited and has clips of ‘high activity’ — I can see this connected to doing shadow work when you think about it. If the caretaker message resonated with you, I can see that this time to focus on others might make you rethink your path or what you want in life (usually seeing someone run into health issues can make you think about your own life). Ah...I think also with the current transits going on (Saturn), you might be wondering what you’re even doing here. That can explain why your energy feels so intense. Please be patient with yourself, things like this are a lifelong journey. There is a chance you could get things wrong, because it’s more rare to get things right the first time around. Take time to understand what you want to do, what gives you happiness, and go for it. Just recently Andre 3000 said that a friend had told him that it’d be over if he released ‘Hey Ya’, and that most of his friends don’t like his music. He makes things that he likes and you should follow that same mindset. Yes, outside feedback is helpful but not if it imprisons you.

Pile Four

Beginning of Year

Cards: Addict, Owl, The Moon, You are light, Showing up

Interesting...in the beginning of the year there was a lot of reflective energy going on. It’s a bit difficult to explain, but it’s similar to how sometimes we can attract those that show us what we need to work on within ourselves? You were that person for others for some time. It might have been that you were outgrowing a few people in your life as well and that’s how this is showing up. It isn’t coming off as doing work on yourself, it’s more like you’re telling others about things they need to work on for themselves. Maybe some of you are tarot readers/astrologers lol. I don’t think many remarkable things happened for the first quarter of this year for you (at least not for it to show up), but you showed up for others. As I said, people probably sought you out for advice, or you subconsciously were highlighting a lot of people’s insecurities. This can sometimes make people act out, so I wouldn’t be surprised if there was a little animosity during this time due to this.

End of Year

Cards: Destroyer, Panther, The Lovers Rx, Fierce Serenity, Wayward Paths

Ah, the relationships probably started gaining traction during the middle of the year? Your energy still seems peaceful? Usually with these cards it seems a bit thrown off or frustrated but I’m getting the image of someone dusting or cleaning. You’re just simply sorting out what should or should not be in your life. The main theme is relationships, but I think it causes you to sometimes think about jobs, hobbies — what your energy is going towards. Is it worth your attention and love. You give off fixed sign energy. You have an idea of what you don’t want in your life. I don’t think you’re set on what you allow in, but once people/things cross boundaries then they have to go. You have a set of standards and right now you’re doing a spring cleaning of sorts. As I said, I don’t see it as being aggressive — I don’t see any door slamming. It’s just like...distancing? Or prioritizing different people and things that give you more happiness. I think in the beginning there was a bit of confusion or you were giving some extra chances but you realized it was throwing you off kilter which you didn’t appreciate. You’ll be entering a ‘new’ stage of your life come next spring? At the latest.

Ahaaaa, looking back at both of these piles, there was a high chance you were pulling in a lot of relationships to teach you lessons. Let’s say you had 3 friends back to back and they had varying ways of abusing your kindness. That was happening until you realized something needed to change and that’s where you are now. That’s where the subtly and slight animosity was coming from.

#pick a card #pick a card reading #tarot reading #tarot readings #pac #pick a pile #tarotblr #mysticalcreations

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the-s1lly-corner · 4 months

Note

I wanna try something different this time around.

I’ve started to grow an interest to Eyeless Jack, I mean I haven’t read the story but the character has intrigued me.

What’s some fluffy headcanons you can think of for him with a partner in general?

General hcs for Eyeless Jack x Reader !

ehehehehe welcome to the ej fan club!! evil laughs >:) gotta admit my take on ej is only loosely based around the original story (guy waking up to find one of his kidneys missing is the TLDR version) but a lot of my hcs are based around a fic (?) reimagine (?) of ej that i remember seeing floating around yeeeeears ago back in middle school and im unsure how many people follow the "jack used to be a human but got dragged into a cult/human sacrifice unwillingly" idea since i admittedly dont interact much with the fandom outside of writing these lil hcs and making fanart TToTT

after everything that happened to him jack ran off to the woods to be away from prying human eyes, and as far as he knew he was viewed as (albeit unwilling and you could argue it was in self defense) murderer.... kind of puts a stop into your plans of finishing school and going into your dream career.. oh and also the teeny tiny detail that you now rely on human flesh as sustenance with no hope for being able to physically accept alternatives and as more time goes on you start to resemble something.. not human... theres that, too

if you want to see him during the day you're likely going to have to visit him in the woods, but fear not hes not homeless, hes found refuge in an old cabin; slowly hes been patching it up

dont expect him to make you do any work on the cabin, he views it solely as his responsibility and he'll likely deny any actual work helping rebuild it... though i dont think he would be against any tools and decoration (ex. stuff for a generator so he can have power, means to wash his clothes, basic supplies that arent food ectect)

i think overtime he would even get a little mini fridge for you so you can store snacks and drinks at his place, since he doesnt. have food

sometimes visits you at your place, but he only does this during the night so he doesnt get caught wandering the streets by other people... usually enters through the backdoor, to avoid anyone seeming coming from the front

very quiet and reserved, not very high energy... so most nights hanging out with him are calm... usually him asking you how you've been doing... you /could/ ask him the same, but he can only talk about patrolling his area in the woods for hikers straying too close so many times, and he doesnt want to bore you

thats actually another thing, he has traps set up around; mix of a means for hunting without having to go out and pick someone, and to make sure no one gets too close to the cabin

so i think, in the beginning he would ban you from coming to him without him guiding you, at least not until youve had ample time to get used to the traps and how to look for them and remember the general locations of them

teaches you how to forage, him being alone for so long has forced him to pick up new hobbies to keep him from going insane, so you now know how to do that sort of thing as well as identifying plants and fungi... fun!

on the very rare occasion you can convince jack to walk around town with you at night when everyone else is asleep.... its nice, i think.. kind of gives him a chance to just sink back into what his old life used to be and feel like hes normal again; though he tends to be quieter than usual on these walks

i dont think hes particularly possessive, dont get me wrong he cares about you and he does have the passing thought of you just up and leaving him one day (and he doesnt blame you, he holds a lot of self loathing for himself nowadays) but hes not going to be breathing down your neck and watching your every movement... he has enough trust in you not to get hurt or stuck in any situation

blunt, he doesnt beat around the bush and sometimes he doesnt sugarcoat things when the blow needs to be softened... mix of jack just being a little insensitive to others but also because hes gotten so used to thinking so logically and straight forward and numbing his own emotions over... who knows how long, probably even before he got all messed up..

can be a little sarcastic at times, so he might come off as an asshole every now and then, especially when you mix in the bluntness

i dont think he would actively try to be mean to others though, he'd try to understand and fix something if his habits upset you because he doesnt want to lose you

very cold, physically, so be sure to bring blankets and stuff when you want to cuddle into him

very careful with you, he has claws and teeth... and sometimes shedding blood around him can be really dangerous (he feeds on human material, he tends to push off eating for as long as he can since the fact hes eating people meat messes with him.. argument between survival of himself and survival of others; but due to his curse he can go into 'frenzies' and momentarily lose himself to his hunger. think how in finding nemo the sharks went nuts when dory cut her fin on accident, its like that but he doesnt go nuts all the time) so hes very very gentle even when he has a strong hold on himself

speaking of his forced diet, he doesnt eat often.. only really needing to do so every now and then, but i like to think he would still sit at the table with you to keep you company while you ate dinner

though he wouldnt want you to do the same when he DOES eat, might prefer you not come at all on those days actually

him and reader remind me of the "its rotten work"/"not to me, not if its you" audio

#creepypasta x reader #creepypasta x you #creepypasta imagine #eyeless jack x reader #eyeless jack x you #eyeless jack headcanon #eyeless jack imagine

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shou-jpeg · 8 months

Text

-Back on the Beat-

Part 4. 04

Porchay can’t stop looking at Kim.

Kim is sitting at the piano in the studio, humming tune Chay sent him earlier and adapting it for piano.

He looks so beautiful.

Kim looks amazing even on his worst days, but right now he’s ethereal; in his element and with a soft flush to his cheeks, as if he knows Chay is staring at him.

He probably does know, Kim is observant and Chay isn’t being very subtle.

Though... he’s been trying to flirt with Kim for two weeks now and Kim seems to let every attempt fly over his head. Chay would think he was being intentionally obtuse to let him know that he wasn’t interested, except Kim is the one who told Chay he wanted to try again. So Chay isn’t too sure what to think.

Does Kim just have some sort of flirting detection force field?

Maybe he’s just shy? Chay had thought that Kim was shy last time he tried this - maybe that was true.

Chay wonders if he should just ask Kim out point blank and save them both the trouble. He did tell Kim that he would let him know when he was ready to try again, Kim might be waiting for something a little more specific.

He wants to know if Boyfriend-Kim is also shy.

“I think this part would make a good prelude, and then the lyrics come in later over the top and the music builds from there, maybe a drum track and a bass to add depth.” Chay snaps back to the moment at the sound of Kim’s voice.

Right. The song.

The one they’re now composing together.

Co-writing.

Co-writing for a new WiK single, because Kim got inspired by what Chay had sent him and then asked him in the car on the way here if he wanted to help him make it into something real.

Chay dreamt of exactly this on a regular basis back when he was just a fan, except it means so much more to him now.

“It should be soft though. The drum beat should be slow but steady, like a heartbeat, and the bass will then support that same energy.” Chay picks up his pencil and begins scribbling down dot points as he talks.

“What kind of song are we writing here? We should probably decide on a theme to help guide the composition.”

“Definitely a love song.” Chay says with confidence. Kim looks at him. “I’m imagining a love song, but for a person that the singer already knows. They’ve been in love before and then were torn apart and didn't see each other for a long time. And the song is about them finding each other again and rediscovering their love for each other.”

Chay really isn’t being subtle.

Kim looks back to the piano, expression open and vulnerable. "In that case... perhaps the beat can pick up pace a little towards the bridge, to reflect the subject's emotions as he begins getting closer to his ex again." Kim says, and then begins talking about measures and other technical terms Chay isn’t that familiar with, since he’s never actually studied music theory.

He loves watching Kim talk about music though.

Chay is almost doodling hearts in his notebook.

He considers his pen for a moment. Then draws two hearts in his notebook anyway, because it’s cute and he likes being a romantic.

They stay at the studio composing late into the night, until Porsche messages Chay telling him he missed dinner, and that Nok, the bodyguard assigned to him today, needs to finish his shift and also have dinner.

Chay makes Kim order enough food at the drive through on the way back to feed both of them and also Nok, who reacts like Chay’s given him something a lot nicer than cheap take out.

“I’m never allowed to eat stuff like this anymore!”

Chay makes a note to sneak his guards junk food more often.

The rest of the drive back is quiet but not uncomfortable. Chay selects different songs to play over the car’s bluetooth and glances at Kim each time the song changes to gauge his reaction.

They pull up to the compound and Chay hops out of the car. “Should we go back to the studio again tomorrow, P'Kim?”

Kim looks down at his phone, bringing up his calendar. “I have a meeting tomorrow morning until 10am. How about I pick you up for lunch and we go to the studio after?”

“Sounds good! I’ll see you tomorrow.” Goodnight, phi. Kim smiles at him softly and Chay tries not to melt.

He closes the car door instead. Kim’s smiles are only slightly less devastating through tinted glass.

He waves goodbye as Kim pulls away and heads inside. It’s late, but he might stay up a little longer and play some video games, or to make some memes for Kim. He kind of wants to keep working on the song, but he doesn’t want to do any more without Kim around.

It’s their song now.

Chay smiles to himself.

He can’t wait until tomorrow.

---------------------------------------

Chay takes a deep breath, determined.

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Playlist

#kinnporsche #kimchay #kim theerapanyakul #porchay kittisawasd #porchay pachara #back on the beat #i want you bach au #i want you bach au part 4 #forgot to schedule this one so its a little late lmao #oops

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moghedien · 2 years

Text

Queerness, Contamination, and the Neurosis of Shirley Cohen

In a show full of queer characters, Shirley Cohen initially seems like she's someone set up to be an internal problem for the Peaches' queers. Shirley is the first character that we see really be openly homophobic in a way that's immediately recognizable. She is also immediately established as a character that’s riddled with anxiety of every variety, and she is honestly one of the first characters I found to be genuinely relatable to my experiences. I found myself instantly liking Shirley even though she’s a character that is meant to be laughed at, and even as her homophobia became more and more apparent. By the end of the season, I feel like a lot of viewers probably have run the gambit of emotions when it comes to how they feel about Shirley, but my feelings have been generally consistent throughout. The only thing that was really changed is that I find her more interesting and relatable as the show progresses. I like her more, but not differently, and she is genuinely a character I find fascinating. So let’s explore why that is.

Now, as said before, Shirley is immediately established as a character with some form of neurosis. The first scene she’s in, she’s stretching next to Jess and after Jess spits next to her she comments on Jess spreading germs.

After the tryouts, we see her and Jess in the bathroom talking again. Shirley is complaining about her performance and blaming it on the fact that she didn't perform certain rituals while going to hit. This ritual can be seen basically any time throughout the season when Shirley is at bat. Later on, when they arrive in Rockford and Shirley and Carson are roommates, Shirley says that she picks up on the energy of others easily, suggesting that she’s made anxious by other people being anxious.

All of this immediately established Shirley as someone with some very active neurosis going on. She is abnormally afraid of germs. She has rituals she has to perform in order to do something properly. She becomes very affected by other people’s reactions to things, and she’s aware of this. I am largely against diagnosing fictional characters with specific mental illnesses unless that is clearly the point of the text, and I’ll refrain from stating anything outright certain going on with Shirley here. But I will say that as someone who has had obsessive compulsive disorder their entire life, these symptoms feel somewhat familiar.

Regardless, it's clear that Shirley has anxiety, and it's largely played off for humor. I’m actually largely happy and ok with that. It feels more like laughing at the ridiculousness of the things she’s anxious about more than laughing at her specifically or belittling her for having these issues. I feel like it's an important distinction to make here, because anxiety is largely ridiculous in my experience. It’s something that doesn’t make sense and acknowledging that is important to actually being able to not be affected by it as much. I like that in Shirley and I like that about her eventual arc and her overcoming her fears. But regardless of how it’s portrayed, let’s look at her issues.

Germophobia as it pertains to anxiety disorders (like OCD and other disorders that cause obsessive thoughts) is generally misunderstood. Typically it's not exactly the fear of disease that causes germophobia to manifest as a symptom, but the fear of contamination. That sounds like the same thing, but it really isn’t. A fear of contamination is much broader and germophobia is only one thing under that umbrella. Arguably, Shirley being afraid of the other girls’ energies can be categorized as a fear of contamination. It isn’t a physical illness she’s afraid of, but she’s afraid of being affected negatively by their presence. Another one of the earliest ways you see this fear manifest is when she’s explaining dangers of canned food.

Botulism specifically is the perfect thing to latch onto and be terrified of if you have a fear of contamination, given that it literally comes from contaminated food. Generally though, it's not common if you take the right precautions. Shirley however has decided that the only way to avoid botulism is to avoid anything that even has the slightest possibility of giving her botulism. It's not just dented cans that she avoids, but cans in general, since she doesn’t differentiate here. Dented cans specifically are only brought up by Carson later on.

Now, this fear of cans seems to be a very deep seeded anxiety for her. It clearly came with her from her life before the Peaches, so we don’t get to see the beginning of that. With persisting anxieties like this, they’re almost never as bad from the beginning as they’ll eventually become. There’s a sort of spiraling and build up that happens over time if the specific anxiety isn’t dealt with and is allowed to persist. We don’t see the beginning of her fear of botulism, but we do see the beginning of another fear she has, and this too falls into the category of contamination.

This is the first time that Shirley says anything homophobic, and it’s not the most blatant of comments, really. It’s more of a remark of Jo being masculine, and while it’s shitty, it’s one comment that she makes and then doesn’t really dwell on in her dialogue. The fear of Jo being queer isn’t what actually convinces Shirley to change the room assignments. If she's afraid of being contaminated by anything here, its the perfume that Carson claimed would trigger her allergies.

Shirley clearly had these thoughts about Jo before this conversation with Carson, and she didn’t seem to have an issue rooming with her until Carson mentioned something about her perfume. And that’s not even getting into the fact that if Shirley and Carson switched, Shirley would be rooming with Jess, who is extremely butch presenting, and she didn’t seem to have an issue with that. Carson herself had to come up with an excuse for why they shouldn't do a one way roommate swap.

Even then, it's clear that queerness isn’t so much an active threat to her at the moment. Shirley goes to see about the room changes herself and talks to Jo about the idea without even being asked to, and specifically says that she wants Carson “safe.” Whether that is safe from the queerness or safe the perfume isn’t clear, but I’m personally leaning toward the perfume, since Carson mentioned it bothering her and in this moment, Shirley doesn’t seem concerned about catching the queer.

However, catching the queer is clearly something that Shirley dwells on for some time, because as the girls are getting settled into the convent, she brings up the topic with Maybelle.

This, my dear readers, is what an obsessive anxiety spiral looks like. This is what it looks like when you have fear brought up (in this case being contaminated with perfume that would harm Shirley) and having it connected to an unrelated thought (Jo being queer) and having your brain combine them and make you very afraid of it.

Shirley had one random thought about Jo being masculine and that turned into her being seen hours later, visibly anxious and worried about Jo being queer and the fact that queerness supposedly spreads. She wasn't afraid of this when she spoke with Carson, but some time between then and now, she considered the fact that she might catch queerness from Jo.

Throughout the show, Maybelle is shown to be ok with her queer teammates and she’s shown to be very close to Jo. It’s very likely that she wouldn’t entertain Shirley’s conversation much here in order to protect Jo, regardless of whether or not she knew that Jo is queer. What can be certain is that she didn’t give Shirley an answer to this that satisfied her enough to stop thinking and worrying about it, because we see days later that Shirley is still concerned about it.

Now, Shirley is bringing this to Carson as if its completely new information, meaning that the comment about Jo on the bus wasn't necessarily meant to indicate that she's queer. Shirley is also clearly obsessing over this, because while fixating on Jo, she ignores that that are other very visibly queer people on the team. Jo was just the one that got brought up, who she made the initial comment about, so she's blind to seeing anyone other than her as the source of contamination here. Jo is the one that she's convinced might make her queer.

So Shirley isn't helped by Maybelle and so she goes to Carson about the issue. I'm not blaming Carson here, but her actions do make things worse. Carson is so concerned about outing herself or Greta that she doesn't really address the concern Shirley has in a way that would make Shirley stop. She just tells Shirley that they'll "get to the bottom of it" and then leaves, probably hoping that Shirley never brings it up again. However, to Shirley, this indicates that she should continue to investigate and worry about it. Because now its not only that she’s worried about catching the gay, its that Carson told her that they’d figure it out because she thinks they need to worry about it.

And so Shirley continues to worry about queerness.

Days later she pulls Carson aside to show her a newspaper article about two lesbian teachers being arrested. Again, she mentions the supposed fact that queerness spreads and insists that they can’t ignore Jo, because if they do it’ll kill them (which may be literal death or a metaphor for them being turned queer or just inherent doom).

Carson eventually comes up with a lie that Jo has been sleeping with Dove, and Shirley just immediately accepts that without any evidence. Literally, the first chance she gets to believe anything other than that Jo is queer, she jumps on it and begins coming up with “evidence” to validate the claim. She acts disgusted at the idea of the affair, but it’s apparently also a relief. She doesn’t actually worry about catching the queer again until Jo gets outed after being arrested at the gay bar. Before then, Shirley really believed that there are no queers based on no evidence just because Carson gave her another thing to belief that was comforting. She wants to not worry about it so jumps on the first opportunity not to, and only begins to worry about it again when it's clear that the thing that reassured her wasn’t true.

Now, Shirley’s reaction to having more or less proof that Jo is queer is interesting. She doesn’t actually seem upset about the idea of gayness. She never expresses any outright disgust at the idea of two women being together. The closest she actually gets is telling Maybelle that Jo could have seen her breast, and the way she says it sounds more as if she’s trying to justify being upset to Maybelle.

The thing that she brings up is that she can’t trust people because they might be queer, and that she’s unsafe around them. She doesn’t really express any thought that they might do anything to her. What she expresses is fear that she will be gay.

This could read as internalized homophobia, but I don’t think that’s the case. I think she does genuinely think that it's something that she can catch and she’s afraid of what that’ll mean for her if she does catch it. She tells Maybelle that she’s worried that Jo saw her breasts (something that is obviously true as Maybelle pointed out) because she doesn’t want to say that she might have caught the gay, because then maybe Maybelle will think that maybe Shirley has caught the gay.

Now, this is validated when she eventually finds out that Carson is queer and has been with Greta.

Again, its notable that Shirley never expresses any kind of disgust at queerness itself. Especially since she seems very affected when sexuality in a heterosexual context comes up. She's bothered hours after being left alone with Greta's date, Vernon. She's clearly disgusted that Jo and Dove supposedly had sex and were doing it in front of all of their faces. She's even disturbed when she finds out that Maybelle has multiple kids.

When she finds out that Carson and Greta were actively hooking up though, its not that that actually bothers her. It's that they were queer and she had trusted that they weren't.

Like it really should be pointed out that its not that Shirley is upset that the queer girls might have done something to her. She's upset that she might have caught it from them. This is made completely apparent when she eventually overcomes her fears of contamination by eating food from dented cans and kissing Carson.

Once she tests out her fears and learns that she's not going to catch gayness, she's fine with it. She isn't worried that Carson has been her roommate this whole time. She isn't worried that she now knows that others are queer and on the team and in the locker room with her. It was always just that she was afraid of catching it.

So why is that? Why is that what she's so worried about?

Shirley mentions multiple people in her life telling her that it's contagious. She mentions her cousin telling her this. She mentions her rabbi telling her this. She mentions her mom telling her not to trust women who like sandwiches. Now, I just want to point out that its 1943 and apparently a lot of people are talking to Shirley about queers for some reason. Seems a little weird for the time period. A lot of people are warning Shirley about queers for some reason and the fact that she could become one. Why is that?

Well, it's 1943 and Shirley Cohen is an unmarried woman who is very good at baseball, and that seems to be the only actual outlet she has.

Let's look at this conversation between Greta and Carson.

Now I don't think playing baseball is the only reason why Jo's grandma said she wasn't a real girl, but the point remains. There is stigma now about woman athletes. In 1943, you bet there was stigma. Hell, the entire purpose of Charm School was to weed out those that might play into that stigma and make them all look like queers.

We don't know much about Shirley's life, but we do know that she was very sheltered. She tells Carson that she's never been in public alone before. She tells Greta that she's never been drunk before. She has apparently never been left alone with a man before, and when she has gone on dates, her mother and aunt went with her.

What we know about Shirley is that she is very good at baseball, she has a serious anxiety disorder, her family members and authority figures in her life feel the need to tell her the dangers of queerness pretty often, and she doesn’t want to go home.

Early on, when the rest of the girls suggest that this isn't legit and they'll be sent home soon, Shirley appears immediately distressed. She later wakes up Carson to talk about those concerns. The way she repeats "Can't go home" is almost automatic and pleading. And then when she says "It's not even my chair," it sounds as if she's repeating a phrase that gets told to her often.

We don’t get any more specifics here about Shirley’s home life, but from the comments she makes throughout, it doesn’t seem healthy and she definitely isn’t happy. The only clear outlet she has is baseball, and it seems like maybe her family doesn’t think she should be playing it.

Almost immediately after she mentions her home in this scene, she brings up the article in the newspaper the girls read about their league “destroying womanhood.”

Shirley is the only one that seemed actually bothered by what the paper had to say. The others comment on it being offensive or ridiculous, but Shirley is the only one that actually expresses worry that it might be accurate.

This happens well before she starts worrying about queers on the team. She isn’t worried about the other girls here or that they'll make her look bad, she’s worried about her involvement in the destruction of womanhood. She’s worried about what that’ll mean for her, and if it’ll send her home. And she’s probably worried about what will happen to her after she goes home.

But still, why is Shirley so concerned about whether or not her family thinks she’s queer. What will happen to Shirley if she comes home after catching the gay after she was involved in the destruction of womanhood?

Well, in episode 5, Greta tells Carson about what happened to her first girlfriend Dana when they were caught together.

I’m not sure if this needs to be explained, but “put her away,” means they put her in a mental institution and left her there to rot. And to be clear, this was not an unheard of practice. It happened to women throughout history the moment their family members thought they were difficult or just wanted them out of the way. And it definitely was not uncommon for it to happen to queer women, or women just expected of being queer.

Now Shirley is already neurotic, and her family already feels the need to warn her about being too dykey. And looking back on her conversation with Maybelle, she was apparently told that the only “cure” for being gay was a lobotomy. I see people laughing at that comment, but it's frankly horrifying to me. This show takes place in 1943. In 1941, Rosemary Kennedy (the sister of JFK) was lobotomized for being a bit too difficult for her family’s preference and acting like a 23 year old. Most people that were lobotomized were women, and they really didn’t have to have a reason to do it. Greta’s girlfriend Dana was probably lobotomized, and Greta will probably never know if that’s what happened to her or not.

So with Shirley we have a woman who is good enough at baseball to have been scouted and to have made it onto a professional baseball team, who also has a family that is overbearing and shelter her to the point where she’s never actually been alone, and who feel the need to remind her not to look like a queer or she’ll get a lobotomy, because that’ll be the only way to fix her. And she desperately doesn’t want to go home.

So when I say I am compelled by Shirley through all of her homophobia and that I adored her throughout the entire show, know that I mean that with every inch of my fucking heart. Because here we have a snapshot of a woman with some very apparent mental health problems, whose life has only exacerbated those problems, and who constantly has the threat of the worst thing that will happen to her hanging over her head. And in the end she actively chooses to face those fears and risk that, because the risk is better than being afraid of it forever.

____________________________________

Other ALOTO essays:

Lupe, Carson, and Gaydar

Greta Gill: Visibility and Isolation

Max in Oz

#shirley cohen #a league of their own #aloto #hi this ended up longer than the one about Lupe #aloto analysis

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