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thesims4blogger · 3 years

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The Sims 4: New Game Patch (July 20th, 2021)

There’s a new Sims 4 update available for PC/Mac and Consoles. If you have auto updates enabled in Origin’s “Application Settings��, the game will auto-update once you open Origin. If you have auto-updates disabled, you will need to manually update by clicking the game in your library.

Your game should now read: PC: 1.77.131.1030 / Mac: 1.77.131.1230 / Console: Version 1.44

Remove all MODS and Custom Content before updating your game

Hello Simmers!

Hope you are well wherever you are in the world and that you are all having a fantastic Summer of Sims! We are excited to share today’s update with you. There is a lot of info, so make sure you have your tea/coffee/beverage of choice ready to read on. You all know I have my coffee ready for this!

As we continue to get ready to explore the countryside charm of Henford-on-Bagley and cannot absolutely wait to play with the adorable animals in Cottage Living, we also have updates and fixes that should improve and complement your Sims’ everyday life. We have something for everyone and we hope that you all enjoy them. Thank you for all your feedback and support.

Cheers!

-SimGuruRusskii ft. SimGuruRomeo and SimGuruJoAnna

What’s New?

Let’s start with some items that we shared in our last Sims 411!

For this update, we partnered with two talented artists from the LGBTQ+ community, Ashley Lukashepsky, and Mohammed Iman Fayaz, and they have brought their inspiring and beautiful artwork into the game. We have also included the modernized version of the large afro hairstyle that we showed you. But more than tell you about it in text, let me actually attach a screenshot of everything put together:

I love everything about this scene, not only it shows you how the artwork looks in a real game setting, but the whole scene with the two Sims and their surroundings is quite magical. Also, look at that hair! The way the light highlights it, perfection! You may also notice the hair of the Sim on the right, which was also added with this update for everyone. I want to personally thank all Simmers for their feedback and recommendations, as we are continuously working on adding more diverse hairstyles and textures to not only packs, but also to our base game.

Now that we are talking about artwork, the last patch notes I forgot to add the artwork made by the wonderful Jupiter Stevens-Hill. I apologize for that, I totally blanked out. However, I’m happy to see that a lot of you are enjoying it and placing it in your Lots! That makes a very happy Russkii =)

To find Jupiter, Ashley, and Mohammed’s paintings in Build Mode, make sure you take a look at the Paintings and Posters sort and filter by Base Game items. These artists are amazing and we hope you enjoy their creations.

Now, without further ado, let’s get to some new features and improvements that are part of this update!

A little bit of Gallery

When you download a lot made with the bb.moveobjects cheat, the game now notifies you about this so you know to activate the cheat before placing the lot. Builders, this means you won’t need to mention it in the lot’s description anymore!

A little for Sims

Trying to find the Sims in the current neighborhood? Select their portraits in the Relationship Panel.

“Focus the Camera” moves the camera to the Sim.

“Lock the Camera” moves the camera to the Sim and keeps following them.

Where did the Notebook go?

Found it! The Notebook has moved out of the Phone and into its own button for quicker access.

The “Center on Current Lot” button that used to be there has moved to the top right, adjacent to the Camera Controls.

Water Tool

You now can make natural, organic bodies of water! Just head into Build Mode, make a hole with the Terrain Manipulation tool, and fill it with water. It is that easy! The Terrain Manipulation and Paint Tools also have more brush sizes to enable finer detail.

In adding the Water Tool, we also took the chance to overhaul the related tools and object categories. Why not? Enjoy!

Pond Effects

All sorts of critters are available to complete the look of your pond ranging from ducks and swans to pesky mosquitoes. There is even an alligator!

New Pond Objects

Outdoor Water Décor now has an assortment of new Pond Objects to decorate the perfect pond. Some of these objects such as the Bog Log and Colorful Lily Pads have interactions on them in Live Mode to activate Turtle and Frog effects. The new Fishing Allowed Sign enables you to stock your pond with any fish your Sims have previously caught. Try it out!

New Water Styles

Go beyond the original crystal blue and dreamy magenta water. Additional options range from “Mossy Water” to “Pond Scum” to complete that au natural look.

The Shrubs category includes new plants to complement the water styles: “Green Fern”, “Leaning Not-Grass Grass”, “Not-Grass Grass Sans Inflorescence.”

Gardening with Children

Children now can help out in the garden by planting, watering, and weeding. They build their Mental skill as they garden. The process of purchasing and planting seeds is streamlined as well to make gardening more enjoyable for everyone.

Group Cooking

Cooking no longer is a solo affair. Sims now can cook in groups of up to five Sims including children. Start cooking together by selecting a fridge, stove, or any empty countertop.

Zoomers Food Delivery Service

Are your Sims getting tired of the same old pizza delivery every night? Well, gone are the days of redundant pizza nights. Maybe you are in the mood for pasta primavera or even a fancy steak dinner. All this and more are available courtesy of Zoomer Food Delivery. Order delivery through the phone or the refrigerator and the food will arrive in a jif.

Calendar

The calendar, previously available only with Seasons, now is available with Base Game to see upcoming events such as birthdays, school and work schedules, festivals, and fairs. You even can use it to book events, so it’s time to get to party planning!

Bug FixesConsoles

In Snowy Escape, skiing, sledding, and snowboarding on Bunny Slopes now contribute to the Extreme Sports Enthusiast Aspiration.

Also in Snowy Escape, Sims with high enough Skiing and Snowboarding skills now can enjoy the more advanced slopes. Sims also use the Lift to go to the top of the slopes and not go “the hard way.”

Simmers can now rotate Sims downloaded from the Gallery in Create a Sim. Spin them ‘round, ‘round, Simmers ‘round, ‘round – like a record ‘round, ‘round, ‘round, ‘round.

The Sims 4

We made some improvements that should help our Simulation lag, particularly on the usage of some computer interactions like playing BlicBlock, along with fishing interactions, which should make the game perform a bit better. Note that this doesn’t entirely fix simulation lag but it should help and it is a step in a good direction.

Fixed an issue in which placing Mirrors directly opposite Doors would create a visual glitch in which walls and borders would disappear around them and well it was quite spooky to be honest, glad we solved that one!

Ever wish your food didn’t expire? I know I do, especially when it comes to traveling and coming back to see a fridge in pristine condition, that is a dream… but alas, it is not meant to be in life or in Sims. Fixed an issue in which traveling didn’t let food expire.

Sims stuck sleeping and couldn’t cancel that interaction? Not a product of a sci-fi film as I thought, but I can say that we have fixed this issue, well I hope.

You want to know how to not make my day, have my coffee brew endlessly but without giving me the coffee! Luckily the issue in-game about the Brew Coffee interaction being stuck has been fixed. Wasn’t it odd? Wait… Sleep and Brew Coffee were stuck in a mysterious loop? SUS.

If your Child Sims suddenly interrupted their computer sessions to draw on the activity table when Inspired, worry not, this should not happen after this update.

Fixed an issue that caused the “Items Removed” pop-up to appear when no items were removed from the game.

Fixed an issue in which setting Lots on Slipshod Mesquite would sometimes generate a crash of the game for some Simmers. The Lot couldn’t handle that much flavor.

Some blush and lipstick opacity sliders are back as they were greyed out.

Step-Parent/Child relationships are no longer missing in the Genealogy Panel. Similarly, other cases of broken families in the Genealogy Panel have been fixed as well. It is all about reconnecting or connecting with what is important.

Platforms will no longer raise in height automatically when creating new walls to intersect part of them.

We also fixed an issue in which if you placed platforms in basement levels and a staircase from the floor to the platforms, it would create this gap or hole in front of the stairs and Sims were not able to route correctly. You know, I have played many platformers in my lifetime, but do you imagine Sims trying to jump those gaps? I mean, I am called JumpFail for a reason… glad we fixed this one!

World view Lots that had some off-centered border have been adjusted.

Toddlers will no longer gain negative Sentiments against their parents randomly, especially the Festering Grudge Sentiment. I should not be laughing at this issue as I type it, I should not…<giggles>

We got word that the camera was malfunctioning and bouncing uncontrollably in some Lots across multiple Worlds. We fixed an issue that caused this, but let us know if there are new instances.

Sometimes Ghosts can be part of our Households if we choose to, however, it is really hard to live with Ghosts that constantly break things, it makes it a bit… unlivable. So our expert team of Simghostologists has communicated with these Ghosts in the non-physical realm and they have agreed to not break everything all the time.

Fixed an issue related to flooring glitches while placing the dance floor or crystal clear flooring.

Went through all the trouble in hiring a Nanny only to have your Toddler get sent to Daycare? More than a schedule conflict I imagine having the Nanny show up and there is no Toddler so what does the Nanny do in this case? Do they leave? Do they stay and wait? I must know… However, This should no longer be an issue.

Fixed an issue where using ‘{}’ (curly brackets) in renaming objects would make these invisible in lists or UI in general.

Fixed an issue in the Likes and Dislikes section in Create a Sim that had some categories displayed incorrectly (either cut off, or words broken apart in new lines incorrectly) for some languages.

There was a clipping issue with the eye preset ymAsian13_Eyes that occurred when Sims were in extreme emotion, like Angry, and blinked. We adjusted this preset so this should not occur.

Toddlers can be picky eaters, but Toddlers not eating any fish recipe? That is suspicious, so we had a chat with the little angels and we have found a way to help them enjoy the complex flavors of our fish recipes.

Our UI team has fixed an issue in which a scrollbar appeared in the Sentiment section in the Relationship Panel when there were no sentiments. The mysterious scrollbar was mysterious. Similarly, they have also fixed an issue in which if multiple Sims gained sentiments together their thought bubbles look quite not right with the incorrect colors, so now they should look proper.

The Likes and Dislikes icon in Create a Sim will no longer overlap its text. It looked weird, honestly.

Droids (if you own Journey to Batuu) and Drones (if you own Get Famous) clipping into all kinds of objects in Build Mode? We saw that too, so there should be a fix for that in this game update. I mean this went beyond just crashing into things…

The option “Join After School Activity” will no longer be available if Simmers don’t have Seasons or Get Famous packs installed.

Sims in deviant paths now can properly reach the Level 4 of the Criminal Career.

Now, this is one that made my day, Cowplants are now able to dance again when Sims play music in front of them. Dance Cowplant, Dance!

Fixed an issue in which relationship points gained by friendly introductions were more than usual if Simmers didn’t have Snowy Escape installed.

We adjusted the color swatches for the S. Cargeaux Counter Island so that when it gets dirty, the counter doesn’t completely change colors. Dirty Counter – who dis?

Fixed an issue where the Scared Emotion UI was displaying a broken pose for Toddlers. The pose was kinda more scary than what the Toddler had been scared of, so glad that is done.

Outfits worn while Purchased and Worn in Festivals/Kiosks/Stalls should no longer remove accessories that were in place for the Sim.

Error code 134:571e5862 that occurred to some Simmers should be fixed now.

We fixed a few hairstyles (yfHair_EP05WavyBob, yfHair_EP01PartedFlat, yfHair_EP05UnderCutDreads, yfHair_EP01ShortSwept, and yfHair_DreamyCrew) that when used with the recently added color options would create splotches in the eyes, change the color of teeth, and/or change the eyelashes color.

As always the Localization team and this author have fixed and improved text across all packs and updates.

Get to Work

Aliens can now enjoy their custom Blush options in Create a Sim. Lewks out of this world!

Retail employees will now appropriately change into their assigned outfits. Listen, I grew up wearing uniforms for school, I get it, sometimes they are not the prettiest… but you have to wear them if you have to go to that establishment. I know the pain too well… but my sense of style grew from that… I think.

We made a fix to some of the swatches from the Barely Better Digital Camera that were missing a description for the item, so now all the swatches will display the text in all its glory.

Get Together

Some of these Sims are not like the others, some of these Sims just don’t belong. Can you tell which are not like the others by the time I finish writing these notes?

Fixed an issue in which some of the rooftops in Winderburg were not displaying Snow (if you own Seasons) correctly.

Fixed an issue where Sims didn’t sometimes change into their Club outfits when a Club Gathering was being held.

City Living

The Scattered Panes window in Build Mode now displays appropriate shadows in all options.

Sims enrolled in the Social Media career will now gain influence at the end of their stream instead of every few Sim-minutes.

Two hairstyles (ymHair_EP03BunHighPins and ymHair_EP03BraidedFlateBun) have been updated to reflect the correct look when choosing the Neutral Black color option.

Your Sims want to shoot some Basketball Close Shots, but they are trying to eat first? Well, now your Sims can finish eating before trying those hoops. Nutrition is important!

Cats and Dogs

We fixed an issue in which whiskers were not being seen applied to Cats. A Cat without whiskers is like Peanut butter without Jelly… or something like that! Just wrong!

Robot Vacuums should all now return to their docks accordingly. I hope this issue was not a sign that they were becoming sentient.

Sims will no longer get a Moodlet referring to the death of their Pet when witnessing the death of another Sim. The loss of a Sim is heartbreaking, but also getting a Moodlet for the death of their Pet when the Pet has not died, that is cold Grimmy, very cold.

Speaking of Robot Vacuums becoming sentient a few lines above, we fixed an issue that made the game crash when Cats would sit on the Robot Vacuum. CatonRobot.exe is now working.

We fixed an issue in which some Simmers experienced a crash with their last played Household loading into Brindleton Bay.

Seasons

Sims were changing into their cold-weather gear… while not in cold weather? We had some conversations with Sims and even though they love their winter outfits, dressing up in full winter gear in the summer was probably not the wisest choice. So the issue in which Sims randomly would change into their winter outfits while not in winter is solved.

Egg Hunts are adorable and fun! But not being able to have the furniture reset after looking for Eggs in them, can be quite the rain on Sims’ parade. But this should no longer occur.

Island Living

Mermaids will no longer keep the “Dried Scales” Moodlet when they are hydrated. Mermaids’ skincare regimen pays off! Moisturize, moisturize, moisturize!

Fixed an issue in which Lots that are placed in the sand looked quite odd displaying all edges of the Lot when it rained.

Sims that have the Collector Aspiration Trait are now able to catch Frogs in Sulani as part of their adventures exploring the island waterfall. Good Luck!

We fixed an issue in which some Simmers experienced game crashes when loading into certain lots in Mua Pe’lam. Happy Exploring!

Discover University

Sims having a hard time in Uni? No matter what they do they keep failing classes? Worry not, Sims will no longer fail classes when meeting all the criteria for course completion. Work hard, pass your classes hard!

Having Roommates can be hard. Have your Sims had Roommates complain constantly and leave even when their needs are met? Yeah, we made it so that Roommates don’t do this any longer.

Fixed an issue in which beds were counted incorrectly when placing an ad for Roommates. I mean, as much as Pets and even Toddlers can live with Roommates, the ad should be truthful to how many beds there are actually in the Lot, not count Toddlers and Pets as needing adult-sized beds.

We fixed Servo animations so that they don’t look like they are walking on one leg when hovering to their destination. Now they will hover properly.

We fixed an issue in which in some instances Professors could not go to work when a Professor NPC is added into that same Household.

Fixed an issue in which removing and adding back Household members as Roommates would create some… inappropriate moments, ahem.

Eco Lifestyle

Evergreen Harbor’s peace has been restored: roads and parts of neighborhoods no longer disappear or turn blue when businesses open in Port Promise while the Modern Development N.A.P is active.

yfBody_EP09DressShirt no longer has a weird texture in some of the footwear from various packs, especially platform shoes and chunky sneakers.

Had you moved to Cypress Terrace in Willow Creek and found you couldn’t really do anything there? We fixed the routing failures and interaction failures on the Mitey-Mitey Home – Insect Farm.

Snowy Escape

Mountain Climbing can be challenging, even for those experienced. But having indecisive moments before a climbing route like getting off and on your bike constantly seems that a lot of doubt is passing your mind… However, we did speak to these Sims that were experiencing this behavior and calmed their fears and doubts, so this should no longer be an issue.

The hairstyle yfHair_EP10BobBluntOmbre now covers all of the Sim’s ears.

For Simmers who own Seasons together with Snowy Escape, rain options no longer affect snow.

Sims no longer have the option to give a respectful or military introduction during activities such as Dancing or Bike Riding. I mean, I’m not sure about you, but I can’t dance and respectfully introduce myself at the same time. So many falls… so many falls.

We made some corrections to the Slippers that came with this pack and they should no longer display a greenish texture on Sims’ toes when selected in Create a Sim. Yikes.

Fixed an issue in which for some Simmers playing with the Yoshida Hall Household would generate a game crash when loading into Mt. Komorebi.

We took a look at our Ramen menu and have updated our cooking menu to label Miso and Egg Ramen as Vegetarian safe options. Buen Provecho!

Want to run a Restaurant in Yukimatsu but also want to enjoy the slopes? Now your Sims can enjoy the slopes and dine in style. However, this action is only directed, and will not be autonomous. In the same vein, Restaurant employees will not be tempted to leave work to enjoy the slopes.

Journey to Batuu

Batuu is an awesome destination for those who want to enjoy something fun and different, but if you bought a Droid from the Droid Depot and never saw it in your inventory, I know how frustrating it can be. Never fear, the Droids you were looking for will appear now in Inventories when purchased.

In Journey to Batuu, the First Order ID no longer disappears from inventory so Sims now can Access First Order Plans for the Top Notch Trickery Mission.

Fixed an issue with the Leveling the Playing Field Mission in which the Scoundrel Informant would not appear on the scene after Sims stole the Prototype Blaster and went to Oga’s Cantina to wait for the informant.

Dine Out

Eggs and Toast sound super basic and easy right? They will continue to be that way for our unassuming Chefs on the Chef Station since we fixed an issue that made them… challenging. Sims can also use the second burner for other recipes without fail or routing out.

StrangerVille

The Decorations and Kid’s categories in Build Mode should no longer have a “New” highlight when there’s nothing actually new.

Dream Home Decorator

Lighting can change the ambiance of a room, and your mood in a flash. Luckily we have fixed an issue that lighting was not even on sectional sofas to continue to set the right mood for our Sims.

Our stylists fixed the Sleep ‘N’ Study Styled Room to remove the P.R.I.M.A Computer from it as this is not an item that is accessible for everyone, pardon our dust.

Laundry Day

Fixed an issue where an animation clipped when Sims were loading their laundry machines. Because having your clothes go through you is awkward, are Sims made of fabric? I don’t think so.

Bust the Dust

Don’t need Simoleons, don’t need Fame. Don’t need dinner to have this date. It’s strong and it’s sudden and it’s cruel sometimes but it might just end your night… the power of Dust, that’s the power of Dust.

Our cleaning agents have determined that Sims won’t get romantic negative Moodlets related to filthy levels of dust in public places like parks.

#news #the sims 4 #ts4 #sims 4 #sims 4 game patch #game patch #sims 4 cottage living #cottage living

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hannibals-hoe · 3 years

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Hannibal and Classical Music (Season 2/3)

Thank you for joining me for Season 2, be ready for some spoilers. Also, I’m skipping a lot of dinner/cooking scenes because they all have the same purpose of making Hannibal seem ✨fancy✨

Ok let’s get going. Season 2 episode 3. Were preparing for Will’s trial and this we get the famous scene of Will and Hannibal getting dressed together (in different locations sadly). The piece that plays over this is Mozart’s Don Giovanni- Dalla sua pace. The lyrics translate as, “On her peace of mind depends mine too, /what pleases her gives life to me,/what grieves her wounds me to the heart./If she sighs, I sigh with her;/her anger and her sorrow are mine,/and joy I cannot know unless she shares it.” Ok if you can’t trace the parallel here I’ll say this, Hannibal most definitely has begun to see Will as an extension of himself. He sees in Will his ideal partner in life. However, this is not Will’s current perception of Hannibal. I have sadly yet to have seen a piece in the show that shows Will’s portrayal of Hannibal.

Ok next- later in the same episode is the sad boy hours for Hannibal, he is shown sitting alone in his office, empty seat across from him. Will is also shown, similarly alone in his cell. The piece that so played over this scene is Chopin’s Prelude in E Minor, op. 28, no 4. This piece was said to have been played at the composer’s own funeral, along with Mozart’s Requiem, which, if you recall, was also played in season one when Will missed a therapy session with Hannibal. The Prelude itself is said to have the title, (they were lost for a time) “What tears [are shed] from the depths of the damp monastery?” So yes, both Will and Hannibal find themselves lacking without the other, perhaps Hannibal more than Will. There is also significance in the structure of the piece itself in terms of chord progression, but that gets pretty complicated, so just know Hannibal was a certain way before Will came into his life, and once Will did, it set Hannibal off balance. Hannibal at this point in the series is able to retain his freedom in murder, but, that is going to chance when we come to the “Did you think you could change me” and “I already did” revelation in the last episode of season 2. That change being Hannibal’s feelings for Will which have broken down his former “person suit.”

Ok skipping a few episodes here, season 2, episode 8. Will is out of prison and the pair is driving at night to Peter’s barn. The piece playing is yet another Requiem if you can believe it- Faure’s Requiem op. 48 VII: In Paradisum. The lyrics are mostly churchy and not applicable, but still the paradise of the title in Hannibal’s case is being back with Will, but the piece is still a Requiem (aka DEATH) so this probably shows Will’s view of Hannibal at the time, which is he is still probably feeling a bit murderous. Also, this piece is used again in the next episode when Hannibal sends Randall Tier to, let’s be real, be killed by Will. This once again just shows the actions of the scene through the music.

Alright this is a good one. Episode 10. Will has brought what we assumed was Freddie Lounds to be prepared by Hannibal. They eat together at the table. The piece that is played here is Mahler’s Symphony no 5, Adagietto. This movement is notable and beautiful, but the most important aspect is that it was intended to be a love song to the composer’s wife. While the piece itself has no lyrics, a poem included reads “In which way I love you, my sunbeam,/I cannot tell you with words./Only my longing, my love and my bliss/can I with anguish declare.” Ok like damn. That is legit perfect to put over this meal. The two of them, sharing a perceived kill, working together... just perfect. It also helps when you look at Will’s eyes while he’s eating and the little evil smiles they share with each other. Wow just have sex already. Haha ok I’m getting sidetracked.

Next- episode 11. Hannibal and Will have dinner again, where they share the ortolans. Now this is BY FAR the most sensual scene I’ve ever seen that isn’t sex. Like, dude THEY SWALLOW THOSE THINGS WHOLE OK THATS BASICALLY THE MOST OBVIOUS SEXUAL REFERENCE IVE EVER SEEN. Ok so the piece is once again Bach’s Goldberg Variations. If you read my other post, you know that I classify this piece as Hannibal’s theme. It’s when he feels most in his element. So for it to play over a very sensual meal with Will, is symbolic of Hannibal sharing his life- his whole life- with Will. That’s hot.

Alright almost done- episode 12. Yet another resurgence of Faure’s Requiem op. 48. This time we have movement IV: Pie Jesu. This is played over the Patroclus and Achilles reference at the end of the episode. Ok the lyrics of this one are “Pious Lord Jesus,/Give them rest./Pious Lord Jesus,/Give them everlasting rest.” I like to tie this with Hannibal’s line, “It took divine intervention to bring them down.” Both foresee their ends in the coming episode, and while their “ends” are not really physical, the piece gives an auditorial symbol of such event.

Alright last one- episode 13, the finale. During Will and Hannibal’s “Last Super” Scarlatti’s Sonata in F Minor K. 466 is played. This a a baroque piece, which is what I infer as Hannibal’s preferred era. The piece itself doesn’t have much background but it is dark and melodic in nature, and can even be described as passionate and containing themes from the Romantic Era. So, dark and passionate: Will and Hannibal’s relationship. And of course, at the very end of the episode when Hannibal and Bedelia have fled to Italy, Bach’s Goldberg Variations is once more heard. It shows yet another instance of it being used as Hannibal’s theme.

Wow that was a time, thank you for reading all of that. I honestly did not expect all of the connections I made, so that gives me a lot of hope for the next season too. Ok bye bye besties :)

Also here’s part one: https://hannibals-hoe.tumblr.com/post/652836545072660480/hannibal-and-classical-music-season-23

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rokutouxei · 3 years

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the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart

ikemen vampire: temptation through the dark theo van gogh / mc | T | [ ao3 link in bio ]

The challenge seemed pretty simple: to try to befriend the university bookshop’s most sour employee, Theo van Gogh. As a literature major with a boatload of book recommendations on her back, it ought to be a simple task indeed. But as she uncovers what lies between Theo’s pages, the more she finds it harder to become closer to him without having to put the feeling directly into words. What can she learn from Theo about what it means to stay—and how can she teach Theo about what it means to let go? | written for ikevamp big bang 2020!

[ masterpost for all chapters ]

CHAPTER 20 OF 22

I wonder if you knew

that part of you was missing. I wondered where the other halves had gone.

- "Loose Threads", Sarah Kay

Theo does not push. Even when deep in his heart he just wants to call. Even when he’s dialed in her number so many times he’s memorized it. Theo sits alone in the bookshop reading like he did last fall, alone. Arthur doesn’t bother him about it.

He hears about the roadtrip from Arthur, in the form of an approved application for leave. He doesn’t chase. He doesn’t ask about her. It’s been weeks since they’ve last met, at this point. Sure, they’ve seen each other in hallways, down the streets sometimes but—nothing more. In between the exhibit, and Vincent, and going away, they hadn’t ever gone to their usual spot anymore. The Rooftop remains empty, uninhabited, and Theo imagines it haunted, with only the spirits of his past enthusiasm of going up there still left in that space.

He returns to his usuals. Vincent, the bookstore, their little home in campus. Like the past few months did not exist. Like she didn’t come barging into his life and went around turning it upside down. Like this, Theo can pretend nothing is wrong. That there are no arguments. That it’s just a misunderstanding that will disappear into thin air. That nothing happened at that Airbnb.

Theo, what if I told you I loved you?

He hears her voice over and over again, shouting in his head, an echo that never stops.

Did she mean it? Did she say that as a loose confession that didn’t need to carry its own weight? Was it a hypothetical that was only meant to lead Theo astray? It wouldn’t have changed a thing, he would have wanted to say, I will still push you away, I will still want you to go—

But he didn’t.

Because he couldn’t.

Because he knows if she told him then, that she loved him, he would have begged her to stay.

To come back.

But she didn’t, and that’s for the better, he thinks. Better like this.

She doesn’t deserve someone who will hold her back. She doesn’t deserve someone like him.

But just as he wonders about how time is a silly thing, how the universe once took its time bringing the two of them into a companionable friendship, how now the days pass by in such a blur he fears one day they’ll just breeze by and he will forget her—

She sends him a message.

[ 04:38 pm | coolest person on the planet ] 🔭?

He knows exactly what that means.

Whatever’s flowing in her veins now isn’t blood, just half exhaustion and half despair, the high tones of panic the only thing keeping her awake.

She thought that she’d be able to wait it out. That she would only need to buy herself some time for the nerves to go away, for her to be able to shrug this all off and let it go the same way Theo has—easily. She spent days running back and forth between the Administrative buildings and her department trying to get this paper signed and this request filled. Then when there was nothing to do, she spent afternoons reading books, forgetting to eat or get up until she just dozes off in her bed. She tried her best to let it pass.

But Dazai was right. She needed to talk to Theo. It really was the only way she could quiet her loud heart.

She knows what it is that is exhausting her, what is keeping her up at night unable to sleep, turning her phone on and off, hesitating, wondering, her mind running in laps, stepping on the same puddles, tripping on the same obstacles.

She knows what it is and she is ready to put this marathon to rest.

When she comes up to their usual spot at the Rooftop, it already feels like an unfamiliar place. They haven’t been there in weeks. She thought they’d never come up here ever again. She’s sitting on top of the outdoor table with a can of Diet Coke in her hand. She’s wearing the bright yellow dress.

(Like some sort of good luck charm.)

Her heart begins to pound once she hears the door open, but she urges herself to focus.

When he comes into her vision, she realizes Theo looks just the same as ever. Just the same old Theo she’d wrestled to be friends with last fall. His ocean blue eyes, the soft brown of his hair, that same inapproachable neutral face. His boyish features, his hands in his pockets, the sharpness of his gaze.

It’s still the same old Theo she got dared to say hi to, and something about that hurts.

“Fancy some company?” he asks, leaning against the ledge, eyeing her carefully.

She snorts. “Wouldn’t have called you up here otherwise.” Pointing at another can, she offers, “Fancy a drink? It was all that was left at the store.”

He teases: “Not alcohol today?”

She shakes her head. “Big day tomorrow.”

She wants to tell him but she doesn’t know if he even wants to know. It’s that kind of thing she still wants to tell him but long stopped feeling like she could. He takes the can she’s offered and opens it. The sound of the carbon fizzing fills the space between them.

It’s Theo that breaks the silence.

He takes a sip of his drink, and then, looking away from her, as if even looking at her hurts, he asks: “Why did you call me up here?”

(The truth is she hadn’t meant to. The truth is that Arthur had set this up for her the same way he did the very first time she talked to Theo. The truth is she wouldn’t have if Arthur hadn’t made her. The truth is she would have let it slide as she should have with her passing interest in Theo.

But she didn’t.

So when Arthur said “You owe me one, don’t you?”, she said, “Yes, I do.”

And when Arthur said “Then talk to Theo one more time,” she said: “I don’t know what good this will do.”

But she does anyway.)

She shrugs, never tearing her eyes away from the view below, as if knowing that once she turns to face him, she will lose all of the self-control she’d built up. He doesn’t need to know everything, anyway. “Dunno. Wanted company—quiet company. This is our spot, so I figured why not call you. You shouldn’t have come if you didn’t want to.”

“I want to,” he clarifies. He sounds hurt; as if her implying any otherwise was a personal offense. She can feel it, the hum of it. She has to grind her teeth against each other to make sure she doesn’t say anything she doesn’t mean to. “I’ll always want to spend time with you.”

She exhales a tiny puff of air, partly in disbelief. “O-kay, there’s no need for flattery.”

(Theo doesn’t do flattery and she knows that.)

The truth is that she doesn’t really know what she called Theo for. Or maybe she does have an idea, but she is smarter than that tiny version of herself that believed in that idea. She doesn’t want to keep her hopes up anymore.

So Instead of the dramatic conversation she had dreamt up for them to have, the big reveal, the collapse and the hug and the warmth and the undeniable pang of it all—they are quiet. Theo is quiet. Like he always is. When he is in his space, Theo doesn’t talk unless he is talked to.

She wishes he would initiate the conversation this time. Maybe if they tried again, they would get it right this time. If he would only ask her to talk, ask her what’s wrong, get her to admit the things she is too scared to admit, fearing what they mean, what they imply, what the consequences might be.

She begs him, in her mind.

But he doesn’t.

So she stops begging.

“I’m gonna miss this,” she says, instead. A whisper so tiny she isn’t entirely sure if she meant Theo to hear it.

“Which?”

“This, you know?” she tries to elaborate. “Hanging on the rooftop… looking down at the city below… we’ve made this sight quite a place.”

He chuckles. “Change your mind about it?”

She makes a face, but does not point it at him; still refusing to look him in the eye. “Hell no,” she says, venom in her voice. “I still want to go away. So badly.”

You will, the thought hangs over the both of them heavily, unsaid. You already will.

That shouldn’t be a bad thing at all. Not when it was the one thing she’s been so desperate to do for all her life. But what if he was right the first time—what if she doesn’t find what she is looking for out there? What if she has just all this time been tricking herself? What would it be like to crawl back here, defeated?

Would this place wait for her?

“Doesn’t mean I won’t miss it. You know that feeling?”

In her head, she knows Theo but also somehow she feels like she doesn’t. For a split second, she wonders: Does Theo find it easy to let go of things? When he decides to unwrap his hands around something, does it deem it something he no longer has any right to miss?

She doesn’t know these about Theo. But she knows she is asking: do you know what it’s like, to let go of something you know you will miss?

He stares at her side profile like it’s the last time he ever will, and says, “Yeah, I do.”

“It’s your fault,” she says, teasing in her tone, crossing and uncrossing her legs nervously. “We made this place special, and now it’s like this to me.

He hums. “Should I apologize?”

“Definitely.” She turns to look at him with a small smile, pointed gaze. “It was you that made it feel like home, you know?”

She’d practiced saying this a million times in the mirror, and while at first the word ‘home’ tasted weird, tasted different, not the kind she wanted to associate with this place, this town, this little dot on the map—eventually, she learns it’s right.

It makes Theo’s expression just the tiniest bit as well and—that makes it worth it.

She remembers the first time they went here—fall of the year before, a few days after the Halloween party. All of the now-green trees were in shades of bright red and orange, like they were on fire. They had a fight. And now look how far they’ve come from that.

Look how they’ve come full circle.

She remembers, then she shuts the memory away.

“Missing something is a tolerable feeling,” she says.

It’s tolerable. It’s better to miss something than to sit down in the pain refusing to let it go.

But Theo adds: “Only if you know it’s also longing for you too.”

She smiles, even if it’s painful. “You’re right.”

For a while, she is quiet. She sits there, wondering how long she should keep this going, how long they can keep this going, like the box of Schrodinger’s cat, unopened—as long as no one opens it, there is only peace in the unknown.

She doesn’t want the unknown anymore.

“Hey, Theo.”

“Hmm?”

There are a million things to be said clamoring their way up her throat.

Did you ever have feelings for me?

Did you ever return mine?

Is it okay if I’ve fallen in love with you?

Theo, what does it mean when you say—

For the first time since they’ve met today at the rooftop, she looks at him. Turns to him with the full force of her gaze, like she’s looking right through him, under his skin, like looking for something.

Her voice is soft, like a baby bird’s.

“Will you miss me?”

Silence. A long, uninterrupted silence that she feels seep into her bones with every second that passes. When she’s about to say haha, never mind, he answers:

“Hmm, who knows.”

The words sink like lead in her stomach.

“…Oh.”

She hadn’t meant to say it out loud, but it slips out of her mouth anyway. Theo turns to gauge her reaction, but she quickly turns away from him, facing the city.

Maybe it is her fault for expecting anything more from Theo at that exact moment. She doesn’t remember quite when they started playing this little game between themselves but—the game has gone on so long she doesn’t know how to play it anymore. That she doesn’t want to play it anymore.

But there’s no quitting a game like this until there is a winner, until there is a loser.

Until victory is decided and loss hits like a steel clang of the guillotine.

She groans loudly, leaning backward onto her palms looking up at the sky. The sound makes Theo look at her, and the feeling of his gaze on her hurts. “You make this so hard,” she says, defeatedly.

“What—”

“I know I’ll miss you,” she says, interrupting him. She turns to face him, and the eye contact makes something ache inside of her, but she holds it. “I know a year isn’t a long time but it’s long enough to miss something, and I’ll miss you.”

When he smiles in response, she wonders if it’s a smile of pity. “Why are you so sure?”

“Because,” she says, simply. “Because. Because you made this place feel like home. Nothing’s ever done that before.” She bites her lower lip and finally looks away. “You made it… more than the things I hated about it, and that’s not a skill everyone has.”

That’s the most roundabout way she can think of to say I’ve fallen in love with you and it’s the best she can do.

Theo shifts from where he’s leaning on the ledge, and approaches her where she’s sitting at the table while he asks, “Is that why you called me up here? Is that what we came up here for you to tell me?”

“Maybe? I’m not—”

She feels his fingers urging her to turn to him, but then the next thing she knows there is only softness. She slides her eyes shut in surrender. Her one hand curls around the sleeve of his shirt as he kisses her; soft and slow and gentle, the way an apology would be like if it were something you could hold. His lips are slightly chapped where they meet hers and maybe he has the tiniest hint of stubble but she pushes herself into him anyway, kissing him back even with the fear that this is the first and the last time she’ll be able to give him her love, like this.

Putting all she can pour into the kiss.

And then it ends, almost too abruptly. He parts from her and she leans toward him almost on instinct. She holds herself together. Only looks up at him, her heart already in his hands.

“Take care out there.”

His hands already in his pocket, his eyes just the littlest bit remorseful, she wonders if this is some sort of karma from the universe. Teaching her: this is what it’s like, to be left behind. Theo gives her four words she will hang on to until the longing in her burns out.

She smiles at him and nods. “Mmhmm.”

He reaches out to ruffle her hair one last time before he turns his back on her, waving behind him as he leaves the rooftop without anything much to say. The warmth of his lips and the sound of who knows? the only things really settling in.

And it is only once he’s gone that her mind makes sense of it. The painful realization that no matter how much she tries to convince herself, some part of her will always be tied down here. A rock, sinking slowly down the abyss of an ocean of love for Theo.

She calls a cab bright and early at eight in the morning. Her flight is at eleven, and the airport is two hours away. She’s kept away all the belongings she isn’t bringing with her in a few rented lockers downstairs, and now she’s standing at the stairway in front of her small apartment complex with two suitcasesz by her side. It’s late summer, and the ginkgo tree across her building is still bright green, but she imagines what it will look like in the fall, a bright show of fan-shaped leaves coating the street yellow when they drop.

She doesn’t know what will happen from now on. She’s leaving behind unfinished seams and she’s sure she will come back to them frayed. And she is so afraid, but—

She’s headed in the direction she’s wanted, and if he doesn’t want to come with her, he will only get left behind.

The exhibit opens at ten, so at eight in the morning, Vincent and Theo are already at the gallery, cleaning up and preparing. The building had an event that ran until late the night before, so they couldn’t set up any earlier than the morning of. Vincent is hanging paintings onto the walls, careful of the hooks, consulting back and forth with the ordered list he and Theo had planned out with her what feels like a million years ago. Theo is carrying the tables into the buffet area, smoothing out the table cloths and thinking—what a shame it would be to eat her favorite meals, the ones he’d ordered in secret specifically because he knew she liked them, and how he’d have to avoid maybe most of the food to be served today, knowing that they’d probably leave a weird taste in his mouth.

His phone makes a little ding of a message entering and his heart falters for a moment, hoping for the best, expecting the worst; the way he takes it out of his pocket comically slow; like it was a ticking time bomb instead of a smartphone.

[ 08:17 am | Doyle ] You didn’t take her to the airport?

Without preamble or context.

It takes all of Theo to answer him with the truth.

[ 08:18 am ] She didn’t want me to.

She doesn’t expect him to be there, like the sort of thing that happens in TV dramas—the one left behind racing into the airport and ignoring all sorts of security protocol; rushing to the boarding gate through a barrier, just so that they’ll be seen by the one they love one last time before they leave forever. Well, she’s not leaving permanently, but a year is a murderer to a teetering not-relationship, and she doesn’t even know if they’re still friends at this point, so it’s pretty much the same. She doesn’t expect him to burst through the scanners and shout her name and tell her the three words she’s long wanted to hear out of his mouth, no matter how hard she denies it.

No, actually, she would have been okay with hearing even just I’ll miss you, a reassurance that departure is not the end of everything, but.

Who knows?

Instead, she does her best to not look back behind her when it’s her turn to stay in line to board the plane, facing just forwards as if turning her head would make her change her entire mind about this damn thing. When the scanner at the front pings after checking her passport, the lady handing her the boarding pass, it feels like shackles being cut off, she feels free.

And yet not so.

So on her walk to the plane, she takes her phone out and checks her messages one final time for any clue, any last mercy. But there is none. Only the group chat with her friends, Dazai, Isaac, and Arthur greeting her excitedly, crying emojis and “make sure to message us before takeoff!” and “make sure to message us upon landing!” and “send a selfie once you get to your new fancy dorm!”, the kind you’d love to hear from your friends, and—

The kind you’d love to hear from someone you loved.

And she couldn’t have admitted it then, clearer this time around, sitting at the rooftop of the physics building, the one place she feels she’s made specifically to be hers and Theo’s, but—she would have, had he said he would miss her. She would have, had he said she was anything more to him. And sure, maybe, it was “implied”, as Arthur liked to say, but she wasn’t any Sherlock Holmes to emotions, and how hard was it to say, anyway? Why would it have killed him to just be honest with her for once?

Was she asking him for too much?

No matter. She sends a selfie to the group chat once she’s finally on the plane, her carry-on under her seat, her seatbelt fastened, her head against the plane window.

[ 10:23 am ] See you all again soon, guys! 💖

There’s a throng of people. Of course there is—this is, after all, finally, the capstone project, the graduation exhibit of the College of Arts’ legend Vincent van Gogh, the one the entire community had been waiting on for a long time. Said legend gives a short, teary-eyed speech thanking everyone who’s been with him all this time that garners an adoring round of applause, but Theo…

Theo doesn’t hear anything.

Instead, he’s standing by the paintings, the ones Vincent had made out of photographs of her, trying to make sense of what’s happening. Where is she now? Is she on board the plane? How much did she tell Vincent—how much did she not tell him? And why? Why did she tell Vincent but not him? Why could she not have told him herself? Why did they have to play this mind game with each other?

Only an avalanche of whys as his eyes stare through the red of the fabric she’d held in his brother’s little studio nearly a year ago, long before they were friends. Long before they were anything at all.

When they were something like this, still.

Like strangers.

He doesn’t know it yet, but all of it is out of her court.

It’s all in Theo’s hands now.

And at the side of the gallery, looking out the floor-to-ceiling windows, Theo squints at the bright blue sky. He pretends not to be keeping an eye out for airplanes.

#the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart #ikemen vampire #ikevamp theo

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cathal-mathers98 · 3 years

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IXD303 - Project Stages/Reflection

For my IXD303 digital project prototype, I decided to create a VR app for elderly people in care homes. At the beginning, I was thinking about creating an COVID app for teenagers and adults, that they could get an idea as to how long we have been in lockdown and a final countdown until the end of isolation, to give the person a goal to strive for and a moment in time to look forward to. And within this app, they could record their daily habits and routines, to keep them busy during lockdown.

However, I had to scrap this idea because, when I was in groups with my peers, we all agreed to study elderly people in cares homes as our intended audience. This gave me the opportunity to use VR. The reason for this was because, I myself are a fan of VR and I’m really interested in how it works and is created. Furthermore, nobody else seemed to be going down this route, which would add to the uniqueness of the project.

Research and Sketching

Research

The first thing I began doing once I decided to do VR, was to begin researching VR as a whole and for elderly people in particular, with and without disabilities. (I talked about my findings in a different blog post.) In the end, I decided my target audience wasn’t limited to one small group of elderly people, like the examples I researched, which was VR and dementia. This idea to design just for people with dementia was already taken. So, I decided to make mine for all elderly people, of course people who are unable to see (blind) or have any other limitations that they can’t use a headset, would be ruled out of this.

Nevertheless, I wanted to create a meditative app with the sole purpose of targeting elderly peoples mental health and helping them to feel stress-free from all the horrors and fears of the affects of COVID19, especially in care homes that was hit badly than nearly any other institution. I couldn’t imagine the fear, stress and death elderly people in these care homes were experiencing. So to take their minds off this, I wanted to create this app. Once, I knew what was required of me, I began looking at possible VR apps to take influence from.

I found apps such as “relax VR”, which is a meditative app that people can use to do yoga or simply relax. This really helped with the foundation of my app. It had some great features to take influence from. I even watched a full 15min review on YouTube of the app, just to see what it was like to navigate it. Immediately after this, I started thinking of names to call my project. With situations like these, I find it quite difficult to think of a name there and then. In my experience, I have to go about my daily business and think about a name then, in my spare time. I did exactly this and I came up with a few names.

I was mindful not to spend too much time on this task, as a name can always be changed later on if not suited. You can see from the names above that they are quite similar in one way, being that they are other words for a paradise or a happy place. e.g. oasis and tropic. They are used to describe a beautiful paradise almost. Anyway, in the end I settled for Nova, named after a supernova which when researched it is described that a supernova (if were seen with the naked eye) is one or if not the most beautiful and extraordinary thing you will ever witness. Which is quite related to my app, as it involves looking at 360 degree images of the beautiful views this world has to offer. Hence why I named it Nova.

Sketching the Logo

With regards to the logo, I again took influence from relax VR’s logo. I really liked the simplicity of it and the fact it was all low case as well, made it appealing and relaxing to look at. So I then began brainstorming a few ideas on paper.

I liked having the idea of the app logo relate to outer space, after its name, as you can see in the sketches. But then I realised that the app isn’t about outer space, its about relaxing and mediating. So I scrapped the idea of using this design. Still, it was good to have done. In the end, I received feedback from my tutor stating that with this digital product, there is no need to create a logo or a fancy looking visual marque. Just to have it in a sans-serif font. So taking onboard this feedback, I did just that. And I concluded with this design:

Early Designs for Name and Logo

But nevertheless, here is a few designs I made for possible visual marques and a logo before I was told to keep it simple. These were my previous ideas:

With regards to the slogan, I seen examples on Google that stated “Turning your dreams into reality”. I thought this was a very nice slogan and very relevant to my project. So I decided to change this around a bit and settle for, “Where Dreams Become Reality”. This would give the app a bit more professionality.

Sketching the App

Not long after this, I started sketching out some possible layouts for the application. Keeping in mind that I am designing for elderly people, I was aware to keep the navigation buttons large and the amount of content minimal. So began sketching. Below you can see my first drawing:

Main Page and Music Page

Location Page

Settings Page

As you can see I kept the buttons pretty large and easy to read. I wanted to include a music page were the elderly person, with the assist of a carer, is able to change the background song for when they are navigating through the app. I took influence from an app called Jaunt VR which is also a full immersive app, that allows you see different settings, whether it be up on stage with Paul McCartney or base jumping off a cliff. I copied the layout and the design of the boxes and settings, as seen below.

Sketch 2

I then created a second sketch to see if I can make the design more straightforward and easier to understand. I thought the settings and music page were quite alright, so not much changes were needed to that.

These sketches depicted how the app was going to be navigated. There is a button for the city, one for beach and one for forests. This was the design I wanted to follow. I had to be sure to get the dimensions right also. In order for the person to access the link/next page, they simply have to move the cursor which is lined with and built into the headset, to the particular button they want to access for 3 seconds. This will then lead the user to that page.

Buttons

With regards to the buttons, I originally took influence from relax VR again. Within that app the navigating buttons are rounded and appear to be like a large translucent bubbles.

I thought this was a really cool design and I loved how the buttons looked like balls of water that animated too. And as water is a great mediator and gives off a calming feel, this was a good move. So the next stage, before I began making the app, was to create the buttons on Illustrator. I created three drafts of buttons in total.

These were my first designs for the buttons:

This is only a small snippet of the buttons I created. At the beginning, I liked this design for the buttons. I wanted to include the colours, blue, green and white, as they were found to be relaxing colours and most associated with mediation. The font however, came to be less appealing when added to an image. So, I turned for help from my tutor and again I received great feedback on what I should do instead, which was to leave it as a san-serif also.

I once again took onboard this feedback and changed the buttons immediately. I research fonts to use and I came across the font that is used in Spotify. I am a user of Spotify and I really like their font. It really suits being in an app. So I decided to use this. Which resulted in me creating this:

This immediately looked better. The font really stuck out more professionally. But that wasn’t the last time I edited my buttons. As the time went past, I noticed that the buttons needed something else to help draw out the background. And this was when I came up with the idea of creating vector icons on Illustrator to add to the buttons. Of course, that meant that I had to make them square, but this however suited better for my Glitch work (see glitch blog post). I simply found small vector images and traced over them in Illustrator and pasted them in my buttons. These were the final design for my project.

An example of what they looked like:

The background colour appears darker in the actual project. In Tumblr it is showing it as a very light blue. Anyway, these buttons I loved. It is mad how a bit of icons and shapes can give an image a bit of life. To see the rest of the buttons, access the link to my work which can be found on my other blog post.

In conclusion, I am quite happy with the work I completed in XD for my digital product. I decided to cut the length of the app down a bit as it was totalling to 65 pages, which was quite a lot and overwhelming. To do this, I only created pages for: Forests, Beaches, Cities and Night Sky. My original design included hotels and piers. In the end, I thought this was a good move. Nevertheless, I did the best I could to minimalize the app and make it as straightforward as I possibly could. I have learnt that creating a VR app is quite time consuming and involves a lot of planning and research. An example would be, collecting a variety of 360 degree images on the internet. This was very time consuming as there is very little amounts of free 360 images. Many of them are repetitive and share the same location, which I don’t want.

If I had more time to learn about VR and was able to redo the project again, I would probably attempt to create the app as an actual VR project on the likes of A-frame or Unity 3D. I think the ability to create a full-blown VR website from scratch would be an unbelievable achievement. Which leads me to the question, what do I wish I learnt before doing this project? And again it would be, that I wish I learnt in depth what it takes to create a real VR app. However, this is always something I could learn for for the next time I decide to create a VR app or website.

#IXD303

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softjeon · 5 years

Text

Jamais Vu

• Pairing: CamBoy!Yoongi x Jungkook • Genre: Smut | CamBoy!AU • Words: 14k | AO3 • Disclaimer: /

written with @cassiavioletblue

↳ Part 1 of ‘Nuit Inoubliable’ in which you will follow three different stories about your favorite Cam!Boys and their unforgettable nights. → Jamais Vu » Triple Plaisir » Plaisir d'offrir

Jungkook bit his lip, shielding his eyes from the rain as he blinked up to read the name on the sign that was written in gold letters over the entrance. He got out a small piece of paper, where he had shakily written down the address and compared it once more. His heart did a somersault and picked up its pace. He quickly gulped down the nervousness, pulling his hood a little closer over his head to keep himself from getting drenched and walked closer. His hands were buried deep in the pockets of his leather jacket, the bag he carried filled with the stuff he needed for a one-night stay in a hotel. “Fuck,” Jungkook cursed silently, feeling himself hesitate to step in, his fist tightening around the piece of paper. He breathed in deeply, closing his eyes for a second and then opened the door.

It had only been a week ago when Jungkook had been just as nervous, but if one would ask him now he’d definitely say this was way worse than clicking on the ‘Apply’ Button and waiting for a response. It was one of those nights: darkened room, his roommate was out and only the flickering lights of his laptop was illuminating the scene. His eyes fixated on the man that moved absolutely beautifully as his hands gripped his own cock, jerking himself off in a live-cam.

Suga.

At least that was his artist name. Jungkook groaned, leaning his head back but quickly snapped back to not miss a thing from the cam. He could hear the man’s raspy voice. It was absolutely mad how he was turning Jungkook on just by what he said, riling him up so effectively that Jungkook had come so hard that night it only left him a shaky mess on his bed. He was breathing heavily, listening to his voice coming from his laptop with a faint, sated smile on his lips. Jungkook didn’t watch the screen anymore, just listening to Suga talking to the people that were chatting with him. Jungkook swore that it was better than any audiobook to fall asleep to, but something made him get up quickly instead of shutting his eyes this time.

“You guys want a partner show again?” Suga chuckled, successfully sending a shiver down Jungkook’s back by that sound alone. “You know you can apply right? Maybe I’ll chose one of you...do you want to be a moaning mess underneath me? Or do you want RM to come by?” The rest of what Suga said gotten lost because Jungkook had jumped up from his bed, cleaning himself up quickly and pulling his laptop on his lap again. And then he did it. Without thinking about it much further and only when he hit ‘send’ did he realize what he had done.

“Welcome to the ‘Nuit Inoubliable’ how can I help you?” The low voice shook him out of his flashback and Jungkook looked up at the receptionists. He was a young man, not much older than him, with dark brown hair and just as dark eyes that were staring straight back at him. A big boxy grin on his face. He narrowed his eyes a little, trying to read his name tag.

Kim Taehyung. Jungkook smiled at him, “Yeah, I...I got a room...on the name Jeon Jungkook?” While the receptionist was searching through his computer, Jungkook let his gaze wander over the lobby and the people around. The hotel was beautiful and modern, looking rather fancy and probably wouldn’t have been Jungkook’s first choice just because he couldn’t afford it. There were a few maids walking past them and people bringing their luggage up their rooms or leaving again. Jungkook’s gaze got stuck on a man at the other side of the lobby, who was leaning comfortably against the wall. His eyes wandered over the handsome man’s face and the way he stroke his hand through his hair, down to his tight jeans that were beautifully showing off his…

“Thighs,” Jungkook choked out quietly, completely in awe but then a young man cut the view from him, leaving him pouting. He watched how they engulfed each other in a hug and a sweet kiss, only to disappear together somewhere deep in the hotel’s hallway. That younger man seemed familiar, but Jungkook couldn’t put his finger on it. So, he returned his attention to the front desk and smiled, as if he hadn’t had a black out over a stranger’s thighs for a second, taking the key from him quickly. “Thank you.” Jungkook waved awkwardly and turned to find his room. He had to get himself ready.

...

Yoongi wasn’t really nervous, he had met too many partners before to really get nerves bit there was still a pleasant anticipation running through him. It was always exciting to meet up with someone you didn’t know yet but you could end up having sex with about half an hour later. It had been a while since he’s had a cam together with someone else but he liked to keep things interesting and every new person brought different vibes or talents to his job so he enjoyed it a lot.

He arrived a little early as he liked to observed when his ‘workdates’ come in, when they don’t know that he is there yet and are still their most true and honest selves. When he went up to the booth he normally used for meetups he saw that Jungkook had beaten him to it. He smiled. Someone must have had the same thought - or was a little too nervous for his own good and therefore over punctual.

Jungkook was biting his lip in an anxious matter, lacing his fingers together only to push them under his thighs seconds after. He leaned over to take in the straw, sipping on the coke as he looked over to the bar. There was the same boy again, the one from the reception. Apparently he was an all-around talent and now was helping out at the bar, throwing around bottles of alcohol as if it was nothing while pouring in drinks for the people around. Jungkook got out his phone to look at the time and sighed. He had been way too early, and it seemed like time was only slowing down instead of going faster, making him even more anxious. In a nervous habit he reached out for the little ‘reserved’ sign, playing around with it while watching the bar boy, whose name he remembered as Taehyung. He mindlessly tossed the little sign from one hand to the other, intrigued by the tricks Taehyung was doing – but because he was so nervous, Jungkook ended up throwing it a bit too far making it fall off the edge of the table and fall onto the ground with an awful loud sound. He apologized quietly (even though only a few turned their heads only to return their attention to their drinks) and reached down to grab the sign, when two pair of shoes stopped in front of his hand. Jungkook, halfway hanging over the edge of the booth seat, his head under the table, while his hand was holding onto the table to not fall over, slowly blinked up. With his doe-eyed look, he smiled up at the stranger, “I am sorry. I don’t think it’s broken but I will of course pay for it if I did.”

“That’s nice of you.” Yoongi grinned at the doe eyed beauty, “But I didn't came over because of the sign. I came here for you.” He sat down at the table to show that he wasn’t a waiter but the person Jungkook was supposed to meet. He could see the younger’s eyes widen when he realized that he was ‘Suga’. Of course he looked different when his body was hidden under clothes and his face visible, instead of the other way round. Though his masks were small they still helped a lot to hide his features. Also he changed his hair colors every once in a while, both for fun and anonymity.

“Oh,” Jungkook gulped, before flashing him a shy smile, “Hey.” Jungkook internally slapped himself on the forehead. Oh? Hey? That was it? That was all he could think about. But the moment Yoongi said in front of him, he couldn’t say more. His eyes scanned him fast, the soft cheeks and button nose, the dark orbs that were his eyes and staring straight back at him. “You’re pretty early,” And once again, Jungkook would have loved to just slap himself but instead reached for his drink to take a sip.

Yoongi chuckled. “Says the one who’s been sitting here before I even got there. What were you doing? Trying to get Tae’s attention? Or did you plan on learning to juggle?” Jungkook looked pretty nervous and now that he was closer to him he could see how soft his face was, how plush his lips. He looked pretty young. And stunningly beautiful. Of course he had seen a pic but he had thought that the other was just good at editing pictures or choosing filters. He was way too pretty to hide his face with a mask - and Yoongi felt strangely proud to know that if they clicked he would be the one who would get to see his face too on top of all the naked skin that would be shown on his cam. Maybe he should check the other’s ID first though, just to make sure.

“No, not really…I was just…nervous, a little.” He smiled, looking down at his hands to hide the light blush on his cheeks, “I hate not being on time and I couldn’t rest. It was only making me more nervous. Is it okay? I mean that I am nervous. Are other people nervous when they do this?” Jungkook rubbed the back of his neck shyly, “I’ve never done this and honestly, I didn’t think you’d take in my application anyway.”

Together with his boyish looks and cute shyness Jungkook’s statement had him listening up. “By ‘you’ve never done this’ do you mean sex or cams or hooking up with someone to be on a shared cam?” They had exchanged a few sentences via messenger but that was about it. You could lie way too easily when you were able to hide behind a laptop so he rather asked the real questions in person.

“Cams and hooking up,” Jungkook nodded. He wasn’t a virgin anymore, but neither did he have much experience. He was shy, not really out and partying a lot like his roommate did and therefore there were not really any opportunities to hook up. At college he just avoided everyone and quietly studied for himself, only hanging around his close friends. It had surprised himself even more when he just simply applied for a spot on Yoongi’s cam, but he had done it. ‘Suga’ felt more like someone he already knew than anyone he could meet in a bar and take home with for a one-night stand. Jungkook didn’t want that. But he had needs, too.

Yoongi nodded, relieved that the other hadn’t told him that he’s never had sex before. Although there was of course nothing wrong with it, it would have been totally inappropriate for his cam. He didn’t feel comfortable with taking on the responsibility to ‘deflower’ someone he had just met on tape. “Then it is totally fine to be nervous. Just so you know I only do live cams with people I know a little better so you don’t have to feel pressured. You have full control and if you are uncomfortable we can stop at any time. We can edit it later, cut out things that are too private or censor it if you curse too much or say something that would reveal your identity. This is just a test, on both sides. You will get paid of course. But the decision to post this online is something we can make after the session. Which means there is nothing you need to be afraid of. Or is there anything you are particularly nervous about? We can talk it out. There are no ‘wrong’ things to say or stupid questions.”

Jungkook listened attentively, sighing in relief when he heard that it would be pre-recorded instead of a live-cam. He wasn’t sure if he could have done that, though he really enjoyed them when Suga invited some of his friends and did partner shows. “Yeah, I guess…just are we going to…figure out what we do…ehm, before?” Jungkook started playing with the reserved sign again, before he noticed his habit and placed it aside, “Do you want me to tell you what I want? Or what I prefer? Do we just…” He licked his lips nervously, blinking at Yoongi, “I only see the videos when they are done. So, you can just…lead me through it I guess.”

Jungkook was absolutely adorable and Yoongi found his nervous habit utterly endearing. He smiled softly at him. “Of course we talk beforehand. Not that we make a plan and then follow it every little step but we will set basic rules and guidelines to go by. We’ll discuss what you are willing to do and what you don’t like and for safety I also like new boys to choose a safeword or go with the street light system. Even if we don’t do anything extreme you might get overwhelmed and telling me ‘no’ might feel like too much and then it’s easier to just say your word or tell me ‘red’. I won’t get angry at you or shame you into doing anything. That’s not how I work and I expect you do show me the same respect. My limits are my limits and if I tell you no then you are supposed to stop immediately. Also I’d like you to sign some papers for the company before we start. Don’t worry it’s by no means a contract, it just states that you are fine with the cams being taken and uploaded on the company page and other legal stuff like that you are supposed to keep my identity a secret - and other boys if you meet them on your way up and that you won’t tell anyone where the cams are being taken. It’s not a normal hotel it is owned by the company so no one can recognize the rooms unless you have been in here for a cam.”

“Sure, of course I’ll sign that,” Jungkook rolled his shoulders back and leaned back. The more he was talking to Suga, the more relaxed he felt. He seemed just as kind as he was in his videos. Jungkook had noticed it a couple of times – how caring he was about each and every boy that he filmed with. That he made sure that they felt comfortable.

He loved that about him.

And it made Jungkook feel safe.

“Great! If you don’t have any more basic questions then we can do the signing stuff at the reception and take the conversation upstairs. I feel like it’s more comfortable to take about sexual preferences and hard limits in private, don’t you think?” The ‘meeting in the restaurant’ was the first step of three and Jungkook had mastered it perfectly; he seemed nice, reliable and Yoongi had a good feeling about their cam. The next step would be talking about what they would do today on cam - but there had been only very few people that left or had to leave the room during this. And the last step was the actual filming. You could talk all you want there also needed to be a certain connection for it to look good on film. Yoongi couldn’t wait to see if they would have a connection on cam as well.

Jungkook followed Yoongi to the reception quietly, taking the few papers for the contract as soon as they were pushed towards him. He read through them thoroughly, while Yoongi was talking to the receptionist, getting the key to his room. Jungkook had to concentrate, trying not to listen in on what they were saying. He loved Suga’s voice. He always had. And it was ten times better to hear him in real life. And so surreal at the same time. “Okay, done,” Jungkook said with a smile and gave the contract back to the receptionist.

“Perfect. Then let’s go.” Yoongi reached out his hand for Jungkook to take. He wanted to initiate some casual physical contact for Jungkook to get used to him and to feel a bit more relaxed. When the other shyly took it he guided him along, up the broad main stairs with the thick red carpet which led to the first floor. There the carpet was more simple and it was mainly small visitor rooms for people who stayed overnight or storage room for equipment. And above that on the second floor were the cam rooms. He could practically feel Jungkook shaking from anticipation when they stopped in front of Yoongi’s room.

Jungkook jerked a little when there was a beep sound coming from the door when the card slid through the safety, the small lights lighting up green when Yoongi opened it. It wasn’t a loud sound, but it had startled him nonetheless. The moment they stepped in, Jungkook stood in awe. He could see the main room from here, where there was the bed, the couch and everything he had seen before in videos. Yoongi pulled him in a little further and where normally he let go of the boys’ hands, he could feel how Jungkook only tightened their hold as he gazed around. They passed a rather large bathroom (in comparison to his hotel room sized one) and another room, which looked like a small office. “Do you edit your videos yourself? That’s so cool. I actually study Visual & Media Arts and I love editing. If you ever need help-,” Jungkook giggled softly and turned to Yoongi, who had dragged him, further into the main room and away from his more private sections. For a moment he completely forgot about that he was about do porn. With a stranger, a cam star. Someone he only knew from his shows - which he paid for. And it only came back to him, when he saw the cameras on the table.

“Oh, that‘s good to know. We could definitely about the editing afterwards then. If you choose to stay.” There were some who got overwhelmed by the whole experience and needed some time for themselves while others preferred to stay and ease out of it and he wasn‘t sure which type Jungkook was. He secretly hoped it was the latter because he loved staying in bed for a little longer after the cameras had been disconnected, to just bask in the warmth and intimacy and connectedness you could feel right after. And Jungkook’s hair looked like it would be really nice to brush it.

“Do you want to sit on the bed to talk? Get a little more comfortable?” It would be easier to go from talking to kissing if they were already relaxed and right where they were supposed to be. It also helped to ignore the cameras if they had been around them the whole time rather than seeing them for the first time when they would start with their „compatibility test“. Yoongi got out of his jacket and put it aside, leaving him in a thin white shirt and a pair of comfortable jeans that were soft enough to sit crossed legged on the bed with them.

Jungkook was staring at Yoongi for a second too long, quickly realizing that his eyes had been fixated on the others chest, waist and then his hands. He always had loved Suga’s hands. They were the most beautiful one’s he had ever seen and he never had wanted to let go off them, but seeing him in that thin shirt now was definitely worth it. It was perfectly outlining his body. Yoongi was a bit smaller than him, but Jungkook didn’t mind. There was something about him that had always intrigued him, maybe his hands, or his voice or a combination of both and the way he always treated his partners as well as his own body. The porn Yoongi did was different from anything else you could find. It was intimate, personal and one could see how much Yoongi cared for each individual partner. When they asked them to kiss them, or soothe them, he was always right there. Jungkook loved that, it was something he wished for himself and knew he couldn’t find in any other stranger. He was too shy for flirting, leaving him be a stuttering mess all the time and Jungkook rather stayed home, working on his videos than going out to party. He could feel the excitement pool in the pit of his stomach, mixing with the anticipation and nervousness.

Jungkook got rid of his jacket, pulling at his oversized sweatshirt nervously, that perfectly hid his own body and sat down next to Yoongi. He mimicked him, pulling in his legs. “You’re really handsome, Suga. I mean...I....knew you must be, but...without the mask you’re way prettier,” Jungkook mumbled shyly, the blush creeping up his cheeks and down his chest making him awfully hot, “I’m sorry. That just...came out of me. I mean it though. You are. I’m awful at flirting.” Jungkook hid his face behind his hands for a moment. “Probably one of the reasons why I did this. Me being bad at flirting,” Jungkook added and shrugged his shoulders, “Jimin told me about you guys. He’s done it before, but not with you. And...I actually am not subscribed to the others. Only to you. There’s just something about your videos…” The younger one bit his lip, keeping himself from babbling even more, trying not to give in to the urge to hide in shame.

Yoongi couldn't help but smile fondly. Jungkook was adorable and the longer they talked the more he liked him. He got a little closer so that he could take Jungkook's hand again as it had visibly calmed the younger before. “It's alright. I won't judge, you can talk openly. I'd rather have you being honest and open with a little awkwardness - which is quite endearing by the way - than someone giving me perfect socially expected phrases with no meaning behind them. I like you. Not despite your little nervous habits and shyness but because of them. You're cute. And it's just human to be nervous.“ His smile turned a little more daring as he started to trail his fingers up the inside of Jungkook's wrist and arm. “I'm flattered that I'm the only one you've been watching. Did you see anything that you liked in particular? Something you want me to do with you?”

Jungkook shivered, feeling the light touches of Yoongi sending sparks up his spine. “I…I mean, yeah. I guess. I don’t know. I like your hands...a lot,” Jungkook confessed and chuckled nervously, “Anything you do with them and your voice. When you whisper…” The younger blinked up at Yoongi, “It’s probably not the information you needed, ehm…,” He rubbed the back of his neck, before adding quietly, “You can be a little rougher to me. I am not sure about toys or anything alike...I don’t have much experience...but I like to be manhandled.” Jungkook blushed heavily.

“Oh.” That was a little surprising. With Jungkook's shyness and soft eyes he had thought that he would ask for something gentle - or maybe even compensate for his inexperience with dominance. So rough sex just with their roles reversed. It intrigued him, the way the younger talked about him and asked for something with that beautiful blush adorning his cheeks. “I can do that. Within reason of course. I'd like to be a little more careful with our first time. But if we both like it and you really enjoy it then I can get rougher as we go along.” He dropped his voice a little, making sure it was the kind of husky rasp Jungkook would enjoy “Let's see how you'll handle it when I'm having you on my terms.”

Jungkook was internally key smashing the moment Yoongi dropped his voice. He knew he was doing it on purpose and still it went right through his groin.

“Yes, of course. I’m not even sure what I like, yet. I’ve seen things you did that I loved. But seeing them and then actually doing them is still different, so I’d like that. We could go for just what feels right to us.” Jungkook nodded, shifting a little closer to Yoongi. “But I know I have limits. I don’t want to be choked, or anything too restraining. I don’t like getting degraded in any way.” He said, trying to sound as confident as he could, “People quickly assume that I am more the dominant part, because of my appearance, but...but I think I’m not I…never had anyone really to try it with me. But I’ve seen the way you are with your partners. I’d love to try it out. I like to be exhausted and pushed to my limits. In a safe way.” The blush on his cheeks turned even darker, “Is that okay?”

“Of course it is. Everything that we are both comfortable with is fine.” He wondered why the younger was so shy considering he had no obvious reason to be. He was extremely beautiful, fit, knew Jimin which meant he wasn’t completely secluded and was studying something he seemed to have a passion for... Yoongi would have loved to get more insight in Jungkook’s life. But he figured he could wait till after the sex when People tended to get more open. “No degradation, got it.” He was absolutely fine with that as he didn’t enjoy it himself and only did it when his partner was really, really into it.

“How about pet names then? Sweet stuff I could call you if I think you’ve been good for me.” He cocked his head a little, watching Jungkooks face closely. The way Jungkook described his idea of their encounter and himself in general made Yoongi feel like the younger was a perfectionist who wanted to be ‘good’ in every way. He was young but already so tense that he would probably enjoy it if someone made him feel like it was okay to let go and let someone else take over whatever burden he carried. No responsibility on his side, no worries or overthinking. Just pleasure. And the way he always checked to make sure he didn’t do anything ‘wrong’ gave Yoongi the idea to push it a little further. “Do you like being called baby? Or maybe even baby boy?” His voice was calm and collected, his face showing nothing but curiosity. He didn’t want Jungkook’s shyness keep him from something he wanted.

Jungkook giggled softly as an answer, “Yeah, I do actually. I like it more than anything else.” He brushed a hand through his already messy hair, “I think if you ever whisper that into my ear it would be the death of me.” He smiled genuinely, lacing their fingers together again, “Is there anything I need to be aware of? Any boundaries? I want you to feel good, too.”

“We’ll see.” At Jungkook's cute giggle he had a hard time to not try and do it right away just to see the other shiver. Jungkook’s eyes had darkened a little just from talking about what was about to come alone and it was the cutest thing ever. “Don’t worry, I’ve done a lot of things so as long as you treat me like a decent person I should be fine. I don’t like to be hit though I can handle it if you scratch my back. Don’t spit at me or do anything that would hurt me in a long term sense. I don’t think that’s what you’re into anyways so as I said; treat me properly and it’ll be fine. Also I don’t have a problem to tell you if I don’t like something during sex so if we run into something despite our precautions then I’ll just tell you and we can make sure it doesn’t happen again. Ah, yes, one thing: Please don’t run away. If you get cold feet or get embarrassed or feel like you need to get out of here please just tell me. I’ve had someone run out on me once and it’s really shitty to be left alone without a word. So please don’t do that. I won’t force you to do anything you don’t want and I can give you room and space to breathe. Just talk to me. We can figure everything out. Together.”

“You really care about the people,” Jungkook cocked his head to the side, “I like that…actually, I always liked that. You can feel and see it in your videos. I think that’s why so many people want to apply for you. I’ve seen so many on your twitter and…” Jungkook smiled, “I don’t know why but…still you chose me,” He leaned in a little closer, “I won’t run away, I promise.”

“Yeah, I do. Sex is always about trust in a way, even if you like it rough and are trying to get quick, mindless pleasure you still have to make yourself vulnerable in a way. So I want my partners to know that I’ll catch them - and in exchange I can trust them as well. Also it’s just easier and more enjoyable if you are open with each other. It minimises unpleasant surprises and the negative kind of awkwardness. So it’s best for anyone involved if you are attentive.” He smiled encouragingly at the other. “Oh I don’t know why I chose you either - until now. It was just a feeling and I have learned to trust my gut in this. And now after I met you I’m a hundred percent sure I made the right choice. We will work great together.” As a demonstration he leaned into Jungkook, hesitating for a split second for Jungkook to pull back if he wanted. But the younger stayed, no flinching, no tensing up. He trusted him. As soon as he had reassured himself of this he closed the last bit of distance between them, covering Jungkook’s lips with his. It was a gentle kiss, soft and warm and definitely too chaste for the camera. It wasn’t meant for watchers though but solely for Jungkook. The younger’s lips were deliciously plush and warm and Yoongi enjoyed kissing him. It felt natural, their mouths fitting together easily and with a gentle touch on Jungkook’s neck he pulled the other closer, deepening the kiss, just the tiniest bit.

Jungkook melted into Yoongi easily, his hands wandering up his chest when he pulled him in. The younger took it as an invitation to come even closer and place himself on his lap, while his lips weren’t separating from his once. Right now, Jungkook could forget about the whole ‘porn’ thing again. It was just him. And Yoongi. He sighed softly into the kiss, wrapping his arm a little closer around his shoulders, while mindlessly letting his hand rake through Yoongi’s hair.

Yoongi liked how responsive the younger was and how easily he had decided to let him in. It felt good to have Jungkook in his arms and so he closed them around the other, gasping in surprise when he felt how tiny the younger’s waist was. In the oversized sweater with the long sleeves he had looked bigger than he apparently was.

“Woah, you’re tiny!” When Jungkook blinked in doe eyed confusion at him he chuckled. “I mean your waist. You honestly feel like a perfect camboy because it’ll make it really easy for me to hold you close. And it will look good in the video if you have a defined body. It’s all about angles.” He kissed Jungkook again, quick and sweet because he knew he had to let go of him for a little while. “I guess you should get ready now. I’ll show you the shower and when you come out I’ll be waiting for you here on the bed.”

Jungkook only hesitantly got up from his lap, a soft blush on his cheeks when Yoongi had so bluntly talked about his waist. He reached for his hand, pulling him up from the bed and let Yoongi show him the bathroom and the towel he had prepared for him. Only minutes later Jungkook stepped under the shower, letting the hot water run over his body to relax his nerves. He was starting to get nervous now, his heart picking up it’s pace, while he cleaned himself thoroughly and dried himself up after. Jungkook had wrapped the towel around his body and blow dried his hair (it wasn’t supposed to look like he just jumped out of the shower), before checking himself in the mirror. He could hear Yoongi roaming around in the room, probably setting up everything and it was making his heart jump. He was about to do porn. Real porn.

“Oh fuck,” Jungkook cursed to himself quietly, trying to ignore the lump in his throat and took a deep breath. But before he got out of the bathroom, he let his towel fall to the ground.

He wouldn’t need that anymore.

Yoongi had been getting everything ready, rearranging the cameras, placing the remote within reach on the bed, fluffing up the pillows. Just when he placed the lube and condoms onto the bedside table did he hear the door opening and turned around. His jaw dropped. His shy new partner was completely naked. And he was absolutely stunning. It was obvious that he worked out a lot but it wasn't just that. His soft look and boyish expression together with his sharp angles made for an amazing contrast. His skin looked to die for, showing off honey undertones and a softness that Yoongi knew felt amazing under his touch. His tiny waist would be perfect for holding him in place or just hug him close and his hips... they were deliciously narrow, just how he liked it. He wanted to see Jungkook kneel, just once, to see if those muscular thighs could get any more tempting.

“Damn, you really are a sight!” The compliment came over his lips before he could stop himself so he quickly added, “I mean I like you that’s why I asked you to stay. It definitely won’t hurt that you look like my secret wet dreams personified though because you’ll get me hard in no time just by looking at you. Makes it easier you know.” He playfully winked at him.

The blush on Jungkook’s cheek reached down all the way to his chest, fumbling around with his hands nervously and averting his gaze. “Thank you,” He said quietly and walked over to Yoongi. “I can give that compliment right back to you,” His hands pulled at the hem of Yoongi’s shirt, “Although I saw it a couple of times before. I bet it’s different to touch you. Let me, please.”

“Sure. It’s all yours.” He quickly pulled the shirt over his head so Jungkook could touch him for real, taking it as an invitation to reach out for the younger in return. Jungkook had taken a warm shower so his skin was pleasantly warmed up and Yoongi kissed his shoulder because he just couldn’t hold himself back. “Okay, how do you want to do this?” They hadn’t talked about their position yet - and simply thinking about the many ways he could have that beautiful boy in front of him spiked up his heart rate. It sent a shiver down his spine and Jungkook let his hands wander over Yoongi’s soft skin and down his shoulders and back, stepping even closer. He nuzzled his face in the crook of his neck, kissing him there softly, “However you like. Just keep me close, because I like this.”

He really did.

The way Yoongi felt in his hold, his sweet, musky smell. He felt not even one bit like a stranger and it was easy to forget about the cameras Yoongi had put up, when Jungkook could stare into the dark orbs that were his eyes to feel safe again.

Yoongi bit his lip, contemplating for a bit before suggesting: „You should definitely ride me some time as you have the thighs for it and it would be an amazing view – but we should keep that for a later cam. I guess it would be easier for you if I take control in this? Don‘t worry, we‘ll do something where I can see your face.“ He was an attentive partner so he would see it immediately if Jungkook would get overwhelmed or uncomfortable in case the younger couldn‘t really voice it himself.

„I was thinking we stick to the basics first so maybe you on your back? Depending on how flexible you are we can change the angle and see how deep you like it.“ Sinking deep into that beautiful body would be heaven „Or if you‘re really up for the intimate stuff right away I could take you on your side. It would be great for neck kisses and I could hug you if you like that. I could touch you a lot.“ He would definitely enjoy that too.

“All of that sounds good,” Jungkook giggled, hiding his face a little more because this way it was easier to talk about something so intimate with him. He began kissing Yoongi’s neck again, pushing his lips softly against his skin, licking and biting him there lightly as he moved up his jawline and towards his lips. Then he leaned in again, kissing him more passionate this time, pressing his body flush against him, while his hands were exploring Yoongi’s body.

Yoongi had barely time to catch his breath before the younger downright went for it. If Jungkook knew that neck kisses had him weak from his previous performances in the website or if he had just guessed correctly he had no idea. Nonetheless it had a strong effect on him as his knees practically buckled and he landed on the bed. He tried to defend his own ego by telling him that Jungkook was heavier than him and therefore could have easily pushed him down but honestly the over enthusiastic way Jungkook latched onto him as if Yoongi was the sweetest treat to devour had him breathless. He tried really hard to keep his mind in the game and not drown in Jungkook’s sweetness. There was one question he hadn’t asked yet, then he would start the cams right after.

„Wait, Kook – baby, just a sec,“ Being that excited could mean that he was also easy to overexcited. Some of his former partners had been so quickly to rile up on their first time with him that it had helped to get them off first and start with the main part later. „How.. how‘s your refractory period? Can you come twice or do you get oversensitive quickly? Cause if you think that you‘ll come too quickly like this I could get you off before we start the cameras. Or you could show me what you like while you do it yourself, whatever you prefer.“ He wouldn‘t lie, getting his own private show from Jungkook sounded promising. Though the younger would probably die from embarrassment - and it also was a pity that he would need to keep his hands to himself then. „Do you want me to blow you?“

“I can come twice, don’t worry.” Jungkook just kept on kissing Yoongi in between the words, in no way wanting to separate from his lips. “If you keep calling me baby, I might come a third time.” He giggled softly, pushing Yoongi back onto the bed to lay down to attack his neck once more. Jungkook sucked on Yoongi’s neck lightly, kissing his way up to his lips, when his eyes fell onto the masks that were lying on the nightstand. His heart skipped a beat and the nervousness rushed back into his veins, making him shiver. “Will you put it on me, please?” Jungkook mumbled in between kisses, rather wanting to keep on devouring Yoongi than thinking about anything else, but he wanted to keep his privacy.

“Yeah, get over here.” He reached for the remote and pushed the buttons to activate the camera, almost losing the remote because he was simultaneously trying to reach the masks. He would cut out the part at the beginning with their faces during editing. He placed the mask against Jungkook’s cheekbones, sighing as it covered up half of his face. “Such a pity. You’ve got such a pretty face. At least I can still see your eyes. And kiss your lips.” He nipped at Jungkook’s bottom lip, just for a second to tease him before he tied the velveteen ribbon at the back of the younger’s head into a small bow. As he had his hands in Jungkook’s hair anyway he brushed his fingers through the isilky strand, scraping his nails gently along the boy’s scalp. Damn he was already enthralled by him.

Jungkook took the mask Yoongi usually wore from him and placed it on his face gently. “Well, it’s a pity now that I’ve seen how handsome you really are.” He whispered and tied it, before he let his hands fall down to his neck, his gaze wandering over his beautiful features. His fingers were drawing soft little patterns into Yoongi’s skin, as he shifted on his lap nervously, feeling the fabric of his pants that he still wore against his own naked skin. Jungkook leaned in, his voice turning into a whisper, “I…I am still nervous.”

Yoongi tightened the ribbon on his own head as Jungkook had tied it a little too loose, probably scared to hurt him before leaning in and whispering right into Jungkook’s ear, “And I still find it cute. You don’t have to be though. If you don’t want the video to be uploaded after you can still get paid - and I can keep it for my own private collection, filed under ‘the sweetest babyboy I fucked so good he almost cried’.”

An involuntarily whimper escaped Jungkook and he had to bite his lip to keep from making any sounds. Yoongi’s deep voice was sending a shiver down his spine and he held on a little tighter to his shoulders. So, Jungkook took another deep breath and closed his eyes for a moment. “I want that,” He whispered back, placing a kiss right at the pulse point on Yoongi’s neck, “I really do.”

“And you’ll get it. Anything you want. Cause I’ve got anything I can dream of right now too, a beautiful boy, naked on top of me, willing to let me have him, ready to be taken apart…,” He turned them over, switching positions so that Jungkook was on his back, “Although I think I like you even better like this, on your back, looking up at me with those dark, pretty eyes…”

He stole another kiss from him before linking hands and placing Jungkook’s arms above the others head. He didn’t really restrain him or hold him by his wrist, he just kept their fingers linked and marvelled at all the expanse of skin and muscles that were yet to be explored by him. “Would you mind if I got to know your body a little better?” Exploring Jungkook with his mouth would be fun because he was pretty certain that Kook was sensitive enough to twitch if he attack his weak spots with his tongue.

“It’s yours for the night,” Jungkook answered in a husky voice, his eyes following Yoongi’s every movement. They kissed again, hungrily exploring each other’s mouth, before he dipped deeper and down his neck, leaving Jungkook panting way too easily. There was something about the way Yoongi was kissing him, that absolutely drove Jungkook mad and he couldn’t get enough of it. Yoongi’s hands slowly let go off his, caressing down his wrists as he wandered down his neck towards his chest, sending shivers throughout his whole body. “Mhm, I like the sound of that..” Yoongi hummed contently, looking up at Jungkook through his lashes before giving him a seductive smirk, “And I also like your taste.” He teased Jungkook’s nipple with the tip of his tongue, wetting it slightly and when the younger’s breath visibly stuttered he knew he was on the right track. He switched sides, using his free hand to rub the one that he had already teased while he started to nibble on the other one. He wasn’t lying, he liked the silky texture of Jungkook’s skin against his tongue.

If it would be solely his call he could do this all night.

Jungkook was writhing underneath Yoongi’s touch. He couldn’t help it, he had always been awfully sensitive on his nipples and he had found his weak spot right away. Jungkook let out a soft moan, brushing through Yoongi’s hair. He could feel himself harden from Yoongi’s teasing alone, making him close his eyes and bite his lip to keep from moaning too much already. Yoongi dragged his thumb over Jungkook’s bottom lip to open up the other’s mouth. It was red and swollen from where Jungkook had bit down on it which made it look even more dirty. He dipped into the the sweet mouth that he would claim again later after he was finished with his current project (aka get Jungkook hard) keeping him effectively from hiding his moans. “Don’t do that baby. I wanna hear it when I drive you crazy.” A sharp nip on his nipple underline the statement. However he showed some mercy after, soothing over it once more before kissing down further. There was enough time and room to rile the other up further downwards.

“O-okay,” Jungkook mumbled, watching Yoongi closely as he dipped down. His nervousness mixing blissfully with the anticipation, leaving him a shivering mess. But before Yoongi could kiss down his hip bone, Jungkook propped himself up on his elbows, “C-can you still hold my hand…if you…I mean…”

“You want me too..?” Yoongi startled at the request but when he realized that Jungkook was serious he wordlessly reached out for him, intertwining their fingers like they had done before. It seemed to be Jungkook’s safety net, to have something to hold onto. And it was also a nice way for Yoongi to get feedback while his eyes would be closed: If Jungkook held onto his hand tighter it would mean that he had upped tension enough for the younger to need an outlet. He didn’t go there immediately though, taking his sweet time to nib a soft love bite into the delicate skin above the boy’s hip. Then he slid his palm up along his thigh, feeling it up before nudging it to the side.

“Open up, sweety. Let’s get to where you want to feel me most.”

Jungkook felt a lot better, more relaxed now holding onto Yoongi’s hand. He leaned back again, teeth pulling at his bottom lip as he opened up his legs for him to get in between. Yoongi was slowly kissing down his thigh, taking his sweet time, never letting go off his hand once. He was really thankful for it, that he hadn’t really questioned it but just did what felt good to him. Jungkook smiled, reaching out for Yoongi to cup his cheek. The other turned to him a little confused, but Jungkook simply leaned over and placed a kiss on his lip, a quiet thank you, and then laid back again fully relaxed, spreading his legs a little more to show off his flexibility.

The way Jungkook easily opened up for Yoongi told him that would be able to take him comfortably on his back if they chose to switch to this position later. Still he wanted to enter him on his side, sweet and intimate. But first he needed to get him hard and aching so that Jungkook’s attention would be elsewhere while he prepped him. Without warning he pressed a kiss against the younger’s cock and smirked when he could feel Jungkook’s abs clenching hard. Yoongi had been told before that he was pretty good with his tongue and he used his skills to his full advantage while he got Jungkook fully hard, teasing the vein at the underside that he knew was sensitive, licking over the tip to make Jungkook’s breath stutter just to finally get him fully into his mouth. He had no problem with going down on him quick and dirty and although Jungkook must know it from watching his cams he definitely wasn’t prepared for how it would feel to have his mouth around him. It had him choke out a moan loudly as he arched his back. “F-fuck,” Jungkook cursed, gripping the bed sheets tight while with the other he was holding onto Yoongi’s. Yoongi’s skillful mouth left Jungkook gasping and whimpering in a matter of seconds. It felt absolutely dirty and he loved it, the way Yoongi was bobbing on his cock, his eyes locking with his own and Jungkook could see the smirk on his lips when he kissed the tip again, only to take him deep moments after. “S-suga, please…”

He pulled off with a pop, knowing that this was not what Jungkook had wanted just to ask him sweetly “Yes? Tell me what you are pleading for, pretty. Do you want me to take your cock back into my mouth, is that it? Or do you need something else?” While he let Jungkook time to decide he trailed his finger along the younger’s cock who stood proud and hard by now, rubbing gently along his ball and then lower, to get a feel of how sensitive the younger would be.

Jungkook twitched nervously, his blushed chest heaving heavily as he tried to think of an answer. “I…yes, please. I want you, please. Touch me.” He was pleading quietly, moaning when he was gently massaging his balls to tease him more, making Jungkook open up his legs a little wider. “Please. I want you so bad.”

“Touch you, hm?” He prodded against Jungkook’s hole, teasing the rim until the younger’s muscles clenched again. “You mean here?” He could have drawn it out a little longer but they were both turned on and ready to go for it so he decided to take it a step further and reached for the lube, squishing out a small amount that he could easily warm up before putting his fingers back where Jungkook wanted them. “Relax for me, please.” He warned him but instead of pushing in right away he just started massaging him a little more intensely, making sure the boy was used to his fingers and the way the rubbed against his skin, the easy slide over his perineum and around his balls and over everything else that had Jungkook restlessly moving against him.

Jungkook slowly turned it into sensual movements, circulating his hips against Yoongi’s fingers, sweet little moans escaping him whenever he was close enough but still too far away from working up Jungkook for real. The younger had reached for Yoongi’s hand the moment he wrapped it around his waist, pulling him in a little more while he was brushing against his rim with the other. He just needed it to ground himself and to feel the connection even more.

“Yes, there, please.”

When he deemed Jungkook ready he took a little more form the lube to make it wet and easy and then slowly pushed past the resistance of Jungkook’s muscles. While he kept still inside of him, giving Kook time to adjust he massaged soothing circles into his skin with the other around his waist. It didn’t take long for Jungkook to start moving his hips again and Yoongi took it as an invitation to add a second finger. He managed it easily and decided to start stretching the younger out, moving his fingers slow and deep in a pace that matched the sways of Kookie’s hips. He was about to ask if he still felt good when he stroked along the younger’s sweet point and a whole body shudder through him. “Oh. I guess I found what I’ve been looking for,“ He commented dryly and repeated the motion just to watch Jungkook shudder again.

There was pure ecstasy rushing through his veins, making him feel dizzy and Jungkook gripped Yoongi’s hand tighter. It felt so good to be touched like that, to have someone adore his body like that and that feeling alone made him shiver. “Suga, please, please…I just want you.” He cried out, arching his back off the mattress, when he rubbed against his walls so sweetly, stretching him out so well, like no one had ever done it before. Jungkook pulled at Yoongi’s hand desperately, wanting him to be back over him, kiss him and make him his for the night.

“You’re so pretty like this, all open and ready for me.” Yoongi absolutely wanted to give in to Jungkook’s pleas because every gasp and sigh the younger made heated him further up and it had gotten quite uncomfortable to still wear his pants.

Nonetheless he had no idea when he would see Jungkook like this again so he wanted to make the most of it. He kept his finger’s inside him, stroking and teasing him mercilessly before sinking back down on his cock, swallowing him whole in one single motion. Jungkook’s hips bucked and he couldn’t quite keep them down so he was forced to take Kook even deeper, swallowing reflexively around him and trying to breath evenly as best as he could. He was glad that he had practise with this or else he might have choked on the younger’s cock, embarrassing himself and driving Jungkook even more crazy than he must already feel. Jungkook let out a pathetic whimper, feeling Yoongi’s hot wet mouth around his cock was just heaven. “Fuck, please, Suga,” He moaned, letting his hips fall and Yoongi off his cock, who wiped over his mouth as if Jungkook had been the most delicious snack he had tasted. Jungkook could feel how Yoongi pulled his fingers out of him, wiping them clean at the sheet as a smirk placed itself on his lips.

The younger blinked up at him, watching his every move as he got up from the bed and unbuttoned his pants. Gulping heavily, Jungkook’s eyes flickered down to his pants and how easily Yoongi let them fall and with them his boxers. Jungkook dragged his thumb across his lip, shifting nervously on the bed when he could feel the mattress dip again.

“Are you getting nervous again, babyboy?” He positioned himself behind Jungkook while he put on the condom. A low moan escaped him when he rolled it on, jerking himself off once or twice to give his neglected erection a tiny bit of attention before he would focus on Jungkook again. It was easy to turn the younger onto his side as he went willingly however Yoongi arranged him. “That’s my boy. Don’t stress yourself, you’ll feel so good with my cock inside you. I’m gonna make you feel every slide, every thrust. You are so pretty when you shiver so I’ll make sure to abuse your sweet spot as much as I can. You’ll come so hard, baby, you might take me with you over the edge. I love it when pretty little boys tighten around my cock right before they come. And you’re gonna be tight, aren’t you?” All his dirty talk showed that he was pretty excited himself but in contrast to Jungkook nothing of it was visible on his face. He hiked up Jungkook’s leg a little more so that he could nudge his cock against Kook’s entrance, sliding past it once just to tease him and get him a little more desperate before he couldn’t take the tension any longer himself. WIth a satisfied sigh he pushed in, slow and deep. The arm around Kook’s waist kept the younger in place, flush against Yoongi’s body so that he could feel every twitch and shudder as if it was his own.

In this position Jungkook was looking right at one of the cameras, but the sudden anxiousness was just as quickly gone as it came, when Yoongi pushed into him. It left him completely speechless. “Ah, Suga,“ Jungkook moaned out blissfully, his thighs shaking as he was getting used to the sudden fullness. He turned his head, to avoid the camera but also to kiss Yoongi again. He pulled him in by the back of his neck, feeling his hot breath fan over his lips as he began to move his hips, pushing even deeper into Jungkook, “Yes, so tight fo-for you.“ Yoongi kissed the words right from Jungkook’s lips with open mouthed kisses. He could feel Jungkook’s abs clench everytime did something as simple as shift and so he gently caressed over his front in a soothing gesture.

“Relax, pretty. I’ve got you. Just.. just let go. I’ll take care of your needs.” He kept his pace sensually slow while concentrating on relaxing Jungkook instead. When he placed his hand over Kook’s chest he could feel how hard and quick the other’s heart was beating against his palm, almost as if he was scared but his stuttered breaths and little gasps spoke a different language. Gently he caressed the free side of Kook’s neck, nipping at his jaw and kissing bruises into the soft skin below his ear until he could feel the tension seep out of ihm. “It feels so right to hold you in my arms. Like you belong there.” His whisper held a little too much truth for his liking and yet he couldn't help but confess. The younger whimpered quietly as an answer, pushing his ass back to meet Yoongi’s eagerly. The words soothing and urging him on at the same time. He was putty in his hands, absolutely pliant from the first touch - this is how good he was, Jungkook thought to himself, smiling against the open mouthed kisses. “M-more please,” Jungkook blinked his eyes open, gazing at Yoongi through the masks while he was pleading in pout, “I really want more.”

The little pout on Jungkook's lips had him looking so cute that Yoongi might have cooed over him if he wasn't just buried inside his sweet ass to the hilt. “More? Already? You're a greedy little thing aren't you?” He gripped Jungkook's cock tightly and jerked him once, just to have him gasping for him (because that pout might be his downfall) before he gave into the youngers request. With a steady hand on his hips he pulled Kook back against him as he started to push into him harder.

Jungkook cried out in pleasure, leaning his head back against Yoongi’s shoulders, giving him even more access to kiss and bite his beautiful skin there. He fitted perfectly into his hold, moving against his thrusts in eagerness, while he tried to hold onto Yoongi desperately, the harder he was pushing back into him. Jungkook closed his eyes, letting go of everything else and completely let Yoongi take over. He hooked up his leg a little, spreading his thighs so he could reach even deeper. Jungkook wanted Yoongi to feel good, to remember this and not just because of the videotape. He wanted Yoongi to think about how he felt, how tight and how eager he was to please him. His hands wandered over to Yoongi’s back, squeezing his bottom there lightly and urging him on to take him even harder.

“You’re perfect, baby boy.”

It felt right to praise him already because Jungkook was a real pleasure to shoot with. Despite this being his first time being filmed he didn't try to hide or be a certain way for the camera, he just trusted him to do this right and showed all of his charms naturally. Yoongi could feel the desire run down his spine like molten heat the harder he pushed into the youngers sweet body, being rewarded with a little gasp or desperate whine whenever he moved just right. He was glad that Kook was flexible enough to turn a little so that they could still kiss and Yoongi made use of this, plundering the youngers mouth while fucking him good and hard.

Jungkook smiled, a blush appearing on his cheeks. “O-only for you,” He mumbled into a kiss, reaching behind him so he could brush a hand through Yoongi’s hair. “Take me however you like, please. It feels so good.” Jungkook started circulating his hips a little, moving sensually against Yoongi. He let his hand fall down again, searching for Yoongi’s who was holding onto his waist, “I can take more, please, Suga, please.”

“You really want me to have you how I want?” His voice was daring, raspy but it was also a honest question for consent, “Because then I’m gonna keep you in place and fuck you hard while jerking you off. You would come in minutes and I’d have you ride out your orgasm on my cock before I pull out.” He nipped at Jungkook’s skin again, the spot at his neck where Jungkook would have beautifully blooming bruises later. He just couldn’t get enough of the boys silky skin. “And then I’d push you on your back where you can just lay back, all blissed out and I’d have you hard again until I come deep inside of you. You want me to take you like this?”

His answer was a whimper, a sweet sound that made Yoongi shiver. “Please, yes,” Jungkook added and sealed it with a deep kiss, not being able to get enough of him. Yoongi tasted like the sweetest treat to him, like honey and his voice was so rough from fucking him that it was turning Jungkook on even more. He wanted this. More than he’d like to admit and he didn’t even care about the millions of people that would be watching it later on. He would be one of them. He wanted to savor it forever.

“Take me apart, Suga.” Jungkook blinked up at him, feeling Yoongi’s rhythm falter for a second, slowing down before he would give it to him right, “I still want to feel you tomorrow.”

“Oh you will, Babyboy. I’ll make sure of that.” WIth Jungkook’s okay he didn’t try to hold back his strength any longer, using what his body had left to give it to him hard. Jungkook’s body was shaking with every thrust and just when he could feel that he had found the right angle to make Jungkook’s knees weak he held him there mercilessly. There was no way to get rid of the tension or ease off the intensity of the pleasure as he hit Jungkook’s sweet spot dead on. He could feel it in the tremble of Jungkook’s thighs and the hitch of the younger’s breath that he was utterly lost in this. If Yoongi hadn’t held him in place so tightly Jungkook would have collapsed from the onslaught of pleasure.

Jungkook was grabbing the sheets tightly, trying to hold onto anything that gave him some kind of leverage. He reached out for Yoongi, pushing himself closer to the other, while he was abusing his spot over and over again, making Jungkook go crazy with the pleasure that was rippling through his body. He cried out his name, breathy little whimpers escaping him as he jerked forward with every deep thrust. It was exactly what he needed to let go.

Leaning his head back, Jungkook helplessly searched for Yoongi’s lips. Their kisses were messy and dirty, both too lost in their pleasure to care for technique or etiquette, they just needed to satisfy their need for reassurance, for connection, to feel the others breath against their lips and their heartbeats against each other. When he felt Jungkook getting close he reached for the lube again to slick up his fingers before he took a good hold of the youngers cock. The wet slide made it easy to jerk him off but Yoongi still started a torturously slow, loose rhythm to rile Jungkook up as much as he could before he would let him snap.

Jungkook was a whimpering mess, his whole body was jerking and tightening around Yoongi’s cock deliciously while he was crying out in pleasure-pain. “Suga,” He moaned, holding onto Yoongi’s waist to hold himself up or else he would have been already pushed over the edge of the bed with how hard he was going. He could feel every pull, every hit on his sweet spot. It was the sweetest torture. Each time Yoongi’s hips snapped forward, he jerked his cock at the same time and Jungkook swore he could see stars in front of his eyes. His thighs began to quiver, his fingers digging deep into Yoongi’s waist.

Jungkook’s moans were music to Yoongi‘s ears, his whimpers so sweet and desperate that they were his own turn on. If he kept this up for too long he might just follow Jungkook into oblivion and come right now. He didn’t want it to be over so soon though, he wanted to have the younger on his back, to make him come again later when he was all pliant and fucked out with his eyes hazy and his smile sated. His grip around the youngers cock tightened and he stopped playing games, making the younger sob in half relief, half pleasure. Jungkook was easy to play with his body responsive and sensitized by his caresses.

He might love this a little too much.

Jungkook cried out, closing his eyes as the pleasure was rushing through his veins like ecstasy and his whole body began to shake. Yoongi kept fucking into him mercilessly, while he was falling apart right on his cock, feeling every thrust so deeply inside of him as he tightened around him. He choked on a moan, whimpering quietly while losing complete control over his body.

The younger fell apart beautifully and Yoongi could feel him clenching tight around him in a way that was absolutely maddeningly perfect. He fucked Kook through his high, let him ride out his pleasure on his hard cock and only when Jungkook stopped shaking did he slow down, gently easing out of him when the younger had caught his breath. The urge to push back into that perfect, velveteen heat was overwhelming but luckily he was pretty good at controlling himself so instead he soothed over Jungkook's side and brushed through his hair.

“Are you good? Do you need a minute to calm down a little? We could just make out a little until you feel like you’re up for the next round. Or do you want me to keep going right away?”

“Mh,” Jungkook hummed in response, feeling absolutely pliant, reaching for Yoongi to pull him a little closer. There was cum sticking onto his stomach but Jungkook didn’t mind. He smiled faintly, closing his eyes as he tried to calm down, feeling Yoongi’s hands soothe over his body.

“Hm’yeah,” The younger mumbled, “Kissing…fucking…just both.” He turned a little, nuzzling his face cutely into Yoongi’s neck and placed a kiss there. “Don’t leave,” Jungkook was still shaking, soft little aftershocks from his orgasms, “I need you still.”

“Don’t worry, pretty one, I won’t leave you out of my sight.” Jungkook had pretty much given him his answer with the way he was curling into him, searching for warmth and closeness, basking in the intimacy that this position provided. He was glad that he always placed everything he needed within reach before he started a session because it meant that he didn’t even had to let go of Kook to get what he needed. He stretched a little, fishing blindly to get hold of a wet tissue and grinning triumphantly when he got one without Kook even stirring or opening his eyes. “Fair warning, it might get a little cold while I clean you up now but I promise you’ll get all warm and fuzzy again soon.”

Jungkook pouted when he could feel the cold tissue on his stomach, writhing his body away from Yoongi, “I’d rather feel dirty.” He giggled, his hands wandering down his neck and chest. “You feel so good inside of me, you really want me to wait even longer now? Or don’t you like your baby being dirty?” He cocked his head to the side, biting his lips.

“Are you getting sassy with me, sweetheart?” The tissue landed somewhere on the floor and Jungkook on his back as Yoongi rolled them over. “You think that’s a good idea while you’re all sensitive and fucked out? I’m still hard, baby. I can fuck you into oblivion again and again until you’re sobbing. Or do you think you got more stamina just because you sport all those pretty muscles?” He tweaked Kook’s nipple and revelled in the way the younger’s back arched off the bed.

“Maybe, ah, that’s what I want,” Jungkook moaned, a shiver ran down his body whenever Yoongi teased his nipples even more. He propped himself up on his elbows, so Jungkook could reach Yoongi’s shoulders, leaving a wet trail of kisses up his neck. “Please, Suga, I’ll be good.” He opened up his legs a little more, letting Yoongi in, in between them, before caressing a hand down his body taking a swipe of the cum that was left on his stomach and sucked on his finger deliciously. He wasn’t sure where the sudden confidence came from and maybe it was only to rile Yoongi up further. “I want to have a lick of your taste.”

“Oh fuck,” He definitely hadn’t expected the younger to get so daring and dirty with him during sex but it was a nice surprise. However, it chipped away at his control immensely and so instead of teasing Kook like he had initially planned until the younger was begging to be filled up again he just held Kook’s thighs open and sank back into the delicious heat that swallowed him whole. He moaned, low and strung out because he was aching and moving against Jungkook’s hips brought enough relief to make it bearable. Still it wouldn’t be enough if he kept going like that. Jungkook had gasped loudly when Yoongi had pushed into him without a warning. He could feel the oversensitivity mixing with the feeling of being filled and it made him shiver.

Yoongi fished for a cushion, urging Kook on to cock his hips up so that he could push the cushion under his back, changing the angle a bit. It would be easy to get deep now and with him on top he had enough leverage to snap his hips into the younger as hard as he needed. He would have Jungkook hard and whimpering for him in no time. When Yoongi’s hips snapped forward, he screamed out, reaching out for his shoulders to hold onto something. Yoongi smirked, drawing back awfully slow, making Jungkook whimper in the process. Nonetheless Jungkook kept his eyes on Yoongi, each thrust tearing another quiet sound from him.

It wasn’t as soft and intimate as before but it nonetheless had its perk to fuck Jungkook on his back. The younger was bendy and could easily open his thighs for him so both of them were comfortably while Yongi could roll his hips into the younger hard and reckless. He could feel himself sinking deeper and he groaned, trying to find a rhythm that wouldn’t have him coming too fast.

“You feel fucking amazing!” A soothing kiss took the edge off his curse as he kept on rocking into him over and over again, “So tight and perfect...I want to come inside of you, baby. Make you feel how much I love fucking you like this.”

Jungkook blushed, loving it how much Yoongi seemed to enjoy it as well. He held onto his waist, every thrust making him push deeper into the mattress and the cushion. It didn’t take long for Jungkook to get hard again, the pleasure pooling in his groin making him want even more. Eagerly, the younger pulled Yoongi down by his waist, roughly meeting his own. He was sure it would leave bruises tomorrow, but he didn’t mind.

He, now, just wanted to be fucked into oblivion.

“Ah, Suga,” Jungkook turned his head, whimpering and he could feel the bow of the mask he wore slightly loosen under the pressure and constant push and pull of his body. Jungkook took him well and willingly and considering that he had told him that he didn’t have that much experience Yoongi took it as a sign that there had good chemistry. He pretty much doubted that Jungkook would do this for about anyone. In a semblance of adoration and fondness he brushed Jungkook’s hair back, feeling how soft it was still despite Jungkook being all sweaty. “My pretty little baby.” The whisper was barely there, not meant for the cameras but Jungkook.

“You might just turn out to be my favourite boy.”

The younger melted into his touch, kissing the palm of Yoongi’s hand the moment it caressed down and over his cheeks. He was so blissfully gone in the pleasure that he didn’t really hear what Yoongi was saying, the oversensitivity making him unaware of anything else but the pleasure he felt with each hard thrust inside of him. Jungkook wrapped his hand around Yoongi’s wrist, not giving him a chance to pull it back but instead kissed him there endlessly, taking his thumb into his mouth to suck on it deliciously giving Yoongi the most beautiful scene to watch as he blinked up at him. He closed his eyes, arching his back in pleasure as he moaned loudly, “I…can’t…it feels so good.” Jungkook almost sobbed when a particularly rough push into him made him snap his eyes open, “Fuck. Don’t stop, please.”

It was utterly cute how overwhelmed the younger had gotten and Yoongi smiled fondly at him, kissing his face wherever he could reach while Kook writhed in pleasure under him. He was close already, he could feel it in the pulsing of his cock and the tightening of his balls so he slowed down a little, dragging it out because he didn’t have enough of Kook yet. His perfect body, his breathy little gasps that he loved already, his little whimpers whenever he pushed in deep. And right now he pushed in hard and deep and merciless with every thrust, teasing sweet sounds out of Kook with every snap of his hips.

“N-no, no please,” He pursed his lips into a pout, letting go off Yoongi’s hand to reach for his waist instead, wanting to pull him closer and make him go faster. “Ah, please,” Jungkook sobbed, shaking his head cutely as he gazed back up at Yoongi, who was only smirking, enjoying the view, “But-but I’ve been good. I want you, pl-please.” He began to move his hips restlessly, circulating slowly and sensually against Yoongi, making the cushion under his bottom shift with the movements – but Jungkook didn’t care. He pulled Yoongi in by his neck, kissing him deeply, whimpering and whispering pleads in between each one of them.

“So demanding, pretty.” Yoongi tried to tease him but his voice sounded a little too breathless for that. The way Jungkook moved his hips against him did things to him that got his knees weak and his thighs shaking. “I... I’m gonna come soon... but dont worry, I’ll get you off too… promise.” He leaned into Kook’s tight hug, trapping the younger’s cock between their bodies to stimulate him too but he’d probably finish before him. So maybe he would get to blow Kook fully tonight after all. There weren’t any words left in his mind as the tension pulled tighter and he let his control slip, taking Kook the way he needed to to finish off: quick and rough and as deep as he could.

Jungkook was holding onto Yoongi while wrapping his arms around him to keep him as close as possible. He closed his eyes, letting the pleasure take over and Yoongi be the one he could lean on. The way Yoongi was growling and shaking above him, told him that he was close and Jungkook spread his legs a little more, feeling how sore and tired his limbs already felt – but he loved it. The exhaustion was settling in his body, but the pleasure was making him feel so much ecstasy that he didn’t mind. Jungkook squeezed Yoongi’s bottom, feeling the firm flesh against the palm of his hands, while he placed open mouthed kisses on his shoulder and everywhere he could reach. The rhythm was faltering and Jungkook could feel himself tighten around Yoongi’s cock, heightening the pleasure for both of them.

Yoongi got close, so close when Jungkook started touching him and when the younger tightened around him like he had before when he had come on his cock it was over. Yoongi’s muscles locked up as he moaned in purest pleasure, emptying himself in the condom (that he wished wasn’t there right now. He always used them but with Kook he would have actually prefered that he hadn’t right now). He collapsed on top of Kook afterwards, making sure he caught enough of his weight to not hurt him, considering Kook was still hard and his thighs spread but he needed a moment to come down from his high. He felt amazing, a mellow sort of bliss in his mind that made it a little hazy, his body a little harder to control. The urge to pull Kook in and just hold him all night was sudden an unexpected and he tried to get rid of his feelings by kissing the younger deeply and telling him softly how good he had been and how amazing it felt to have him.

Jungkook hummed against his kisses, dwelling in the attention Yoongi was giving him. He brushed through his hair, blushing from the sweet compliments he was giving him. He smiled in bliss, not even caring if he had gotten off the second time or not, but he was sure Yoongi wouldn’t let him go so easily. He wanted to exhaust him, Jungkook had especially asked for that. So, he didn’t move, when Yoongi propped himself up again and kissed him sweetly, moving down his neck. He made a show of going down on Kook. He trailed all the way down with kisses, giving Kook’s perky nipples extra attention just to hear him whimper again and then stopped to admire the bruises on the inside of Kooks thigh that he had given him before. “Wouldn’t it be a shame to leave you one sided?” The younger whined helplessly as he attacked the delicate skin on his other thigh but with the way he was twitching and how hard he was Yoongi kept it short and let go of it quickly. He dragged his thumb over the reddened tip right in front of his face, teasing the precum over the swollen head before finally closing his lips around it and swallowing him down.

Jungkook bucked his hips upwards involuntarily making Yoongi choke a little, but it didn’t keep him from blowing him for real. There was no chance for Jungkook to pull off, or his hips away from Yoongi. He was holding him down, swallowing around him so deliciously that he could feel his thighs starting to shake in a matter of seconds. “F-fuck, Suga, plea-,” Jungkook choked on the moan, crying out as he arched his back off the mattress. His whole body was shivering, thighs trembling as he came right into Yoongi’s mouth. He had his eyes closed, putting his arm over them, feeling the tears sting in his eyes. The pleasure was completely overwhelming him, every touch of Yoongi was like fuel to the fire only heightening the feeling. Jungkook came quick and hard and Yoongi swallowed it all down, licking Kook clean while the younger was close to sobbing from the overstimulation.

The way Jungkook just kept still after, sunken into the pillows and arm still over his eyes told Yoongi that it might have been a little much for him. As there was nothing to clean up this time he could lay down besides him right away, soothing him with light, careful touches and small kisses on his cheek. He didn’t take his arm away for him as he didn’t want the younger to feel pressured but he addressed it nonetheless. “Are you okay there, baby?” His voice was still husky from before but he put enough softness in it to hopefully soothe him. “Do you want me to stop the cameras? Then we can take the masks off and just relax for a bit. You’re a little sleepy right now, aren’t you?”

Jungkook didn’t open his eyes but he let his arm fall, turning over to where Yoongi was to snuggle closer to him. “I’m okay,” He mumbled, “Yes, take it off, please.” Jungkook could feel Yoongi hesitate for a moment, but he decided to just edit out the end and gently pull the mask of now. First his own, then Jungkooks. The younger pliantly leaned into his touch, shivering from the sudden cold. “Is…is it okay if we stay like this for a while, Suga?” He was starting to talk in pout again from how tired he was, his hand searching for Yoongi's to hold on to, caressing down his arm while he kept his eyes closed.

Jungkook was so cute like this, leaning into him as if his closeness was all he wanted and Yoongi’s heart made a little leap that always lead to dangerous thing.

“Yoongi.” He answered, a secret whisper, only for Kook to know, “My name is Yoongi. And you can stay here as long as you need.” He kissed the boys pout as he laid there exhaustedly, apparently too tired to even open his eyes. Yoongi didn’t mind it, quite the opposite. It was his room so no one would throw them out and it would be really nice to fall asleep with someone in his arms - especially when this someone was a pretty little boy he’s just had sex with.

“Yoongi,” He whispered tiredly, cuddling even closer to his warmth. A soft giggle escaped him and he blinked up at him, “I really did that. With you. I hope they will like it.” Jungkook yawned, helplessly reaching for the blanket before giving up. “Your viewers. I hope they enjoy it…as much as I did,” His voice was quiet and one could hear how Jungkook was slowly drifting off, “I like you.” He leaned his head on Yoongi’s chest and closed his eyes again.

“I like you too, baby boy.” He chuckled low as the younger nosed along his jaw in a sleepy attempt to shift even closer before his body stilled and his breath deepened. Stretching a little he reached for the remote to turn off the cameras and pushed the button. A little click and a sirring sound told him that the cameras had just turned on. Confused he pushed the button again, effectively shutting the cameras off. He groaned as it dawned on him.

Jungkook had attacked him so passionately that he had barely watched what buttons he had pressed in the beginning - and apparently he hadn’t turned on the cameras at all, which meant they had just fucked each other for fun. He shook his head, glad that Kook was asleep and couldn’t see his embarrassment right now. Luckily he could take it lightly; he could still pay Kook and honestly it had been worth it. And if Kook still wanted to have an upload, well… then they would just have to fuck each other again soon.

A/N: Here we go! This is the first story to our little Series (3 Parts). Cat and I just wanted to try and write PWP and so this happened. You ready for your stay in the ‘Nuit Inoubliable’? Don’t forget to tell us how you liked it!!

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the-technicolor-whiscash · 3 years

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💍 Rose and 10 (or TenToo)

thank you so much for this one anon eighth grade me would be frothing at the mouth for an ask about these two

where they get married

I know, before anything else, that Jackie has to be there when they get married, because if she weren’t there and she found out they were getting married, she would slaughter them, so it has to be somewhere Jackie would be willing to go. I can imagine they don’t have a large wedding, so they don’t have a huge venue. Also somewhere they haven’t had a near death experience at. So maybe a nice botanical garden, or an uninhabited planet with gorgeous plant life. Somewhere with a view. Definitely an outdoor wedding.

when they get married ( ie what time of day, what month and season etc. )

They strike me as the types to have a spring or summer wedding, since you have the most outdoor options, but a winter wedding with lightly falling snow would be a delightful callback to the Christmas Invasion. Definitely an afternoon or evening wedding though. Rose is not a morning person.

what traditions they include ( do they get married under a chuppah and crush a glass, garter toss, ‘something borrowed, something blue,’ etc. )

I think they definitely do the borrowed/blue thing, with the “something borrowed” being something from Jackie or Pete. The Doctor claims the tardis falls under old, borrowed, and blue, but Rose keeps telling him it doesn’t work like that. Also I wanna see them throw rice if only cause I think that’s a fun sort of tradition. I feel like Rose would want the Doctor to try and bring some Gallifreyan traditions into the wedding, though frankly I don’t know what those would be. Also the ringbearer is K-9.

what their wedding cake looks like

Something traditional, but with lots of color. Maybe they have it marbled to look like space. And it’s gotta be chocolate.

….who smashes cake into whose face

Rose agrees not to smash cake into Ten’s face but Jackie immediately comes from left field and smashes it directly into his face. I would pay money to see that.

who proposed to who first

They both wanted to propose, but Ten was perpetually nervous about it, and Rose always liked going against society’s standards for women so she proposed first. Their wedding bands are Jackie and Pete’s, since Jackie has Pete’s from their world and Pete has Jackie’s from his.

who walks down the aisle and who waits at the altar ( or neither )

Pete walks Rose down the aisle. She would’ve asked Jackie, but even though Pete was from the other world, he had become as much of a father to her as her own Pete would have been if he had lived. Happy to have her father back, Rose knew he’d be the one to walk her down the aisle.

what their wedding dresses / suits / other look like

Ten wanted to wear his normal suit, but Rose expressly forbade it, since something different would make the day feel a little more special. Instead, he wears a black tuxedo with blue accents, with just a little bit of glitter to make it pop. He wears a rose on his lapel, but managed to get Rose to at least agree to let him wear one of his more professional pairs of converse, since “they’re comfortable!”

Rose wears a white dress, but not without some flair. The skirt is just a little poofy and made of layers of tulle, and each layer has finely embroidered light pink flowers on it. Her veil continues the flowery theme, with white and light pink petals making up the headband thing, and absolutely with some glitter. Is there body glitter involved? Maybe! And, since the Doctor was wearing comfortable shoes, Rose also wore a pair of sneakers, since “Nobody will see them anyway.” I watch a lot of say yes to the dress I’m sorry

what their wedding colour scheme is and what sort of decor they have

I like the idea of blue and pink, but not in an oppressively heterosexual kind of way. However, if they didn’t care about the scheme matching their outfits (i’m a coordination kind of man sue me), I would love to see a scheme based off of the amber, earthy tones of the tardis interior. Their decor isn’t over the top, but it’s not minimalist by any means. Lots of appropriately colored streamers, flower arches, the whole nine yards.

what flowers are in the bouquet ( if applicable. bonus: what do the flowers mean? )

I don’t know shit about flower language so we’re gonna ignore that. I like the idea of Rose having a lot of pale pink flowers in her bouquet to match her dress, flowers with character. Maybe they get flowers from another planet.

what their vows are ( eg poetry, traditional, improvised etc. )

They write their own vows, and everyone assumes that the Doctor’s gonna be long-winded and Rose is gonna be short and sweet. But instead, Rose has long, detailed, emotional vows, leaving much of the crowd in tears, recounting everything they’ve been through and how he changed her life. The Doctor is by no means succinct, but his is definitely shorter. He talks about how Rose came into his life at such a dark time, and how she helped him forge a new path, giving him hope for the future.

if anyone’s late to the wedding

I know this doesn’t agree with the timeline of anything (if we’re assuming they get married before the end of season 2) but I think it would be extremely funny if Jack decides to roll up late to the reception and ask them both for a dance.

who’s in the bridal parties / groomsmen / other

Ok so Jackie is definitely one of the bridesmaids, and so is Sarah Jane, and I can imagine Rose would want some of her old friends to be bridesmaids too. Hell, Jackie can be the maid of honor, why not. The Doctor has Mickey be one of his groomsmen as well as Pete, and frankly I can’t remember any other male characters close enough to them to be at their wedding.

what their bridal party / groomsmen / other are wearing

Definitely something coordinated. The bridesmaids are wearing pink, and dresses that by modern standards are a lil gaudy but by late 2000′s standards were all the rage. The groomsmen... I dunno. Suits.

who gives speeches at the reception ( bonus: what do they say? recount a sweet memory or two between them? tell an embarrassing story? )

Oh, there’s lots of speeches. Jackie gives an emotional one, Pete gives a short but sweet one, Sarah Jane gives one. Jack, if he decides to roll up, absolutely tries to flirt with the both of them, but in the end it all comes together in a heartwarming story of how he just knew the two of them were meant for each other.

who catches the bouquet( s )

One of Rose’s old friends. Rose feels bad for having left them all for so long, and is positively overjoyed that at least one of them can catch the bouquet. Maybe it means there’ll be a wedding in the future they can attend.

what their wedding photos are like ( are they sweet, with the couple holding hands or kissing or ~gazing into each others eyes~? are they silly, with a snapshot of the ‘cake-smash’ moment? or are they artistic, with one of them facing the sunset or holding their bouquets? )

They have the serious ones, of course, the ones that you’ll frame and hang on your living room wall, but they have a lot of fun ones. Running into the sea, pretending to fall off cliffs, shooting aliens with laser guns. They take a number of pictures in the tardis, but the one they love the most is right outside it, with the tardis door open, framing them like an archway. They’re facing each other, staring into each others eyes, hands locked, and you can tell immediately that they’re so very much in love.

what sort of food they have at the reception

Stuff that’s a little fancy, but mostly tasty. The staples, like your fish option, your meat option, what have you. But there are french fries, which Rose wanted, jokingly saying it was because the Doctor had never paid for chips in his life.

who cries first during the ceremony

Jackie, out of happiness. But as things get going, just about everyone sheds a tear or two. Rose cries walking down the aisle, and the Doctor cries during his vows.

how wild their reception gets ( who dances the best, who gets drunk first, etc. )

Since it’s not a big party, things don’t get overly rowdy, but there are absolutely some drunken shenanigans. It takes some effort to get him tipsy, but eventually, the Doctor does the YMCA on a table.

what their rings are like

Definitely Jackie and Pete’s rings. But, if they didn’t do that, I can imagine they’d have simple, practical bands, perfect for the fast-paced life they live.

what sort of favours they have ( heart shaped sparklers, mini champagne bottles, personalised candy etc. )

I love the personalized candy idea so they definitely have those. I think they’d want to give out practical favors, like maybe engraved portable chargers (i know, i know, i’m messing up the timeline), but not without fun stuff like miniature nerf guns.

where they go for their honeymoon

Everywhere! Across space and time, they visit both their greatest hits and fun new places. They visit Miami Beach, watch fireworks on Mars, learn how to shoot bows and arrows on a planet out by Alpha Centauri.

something memorable that happens during the party / ceremony ( do they run out of ice and someone goes to get it in full formal wear on foot, does anyone fall asleep in the middle of the party, etc. )

Ok if Jack shows up, he would absolutely be the memorable moment. I’m picturing him teleporting in mid-party or even mid-ceremony, bringing confetti with him. If you’re gonna crash a wedding, might as well make it memorable.

who officiates the ceremony

I think it would be really sweet if Sarah Jane officiated it, and she also seems like the one most likely to be legally able to do so. They could just hire a minister, but given the nature of their lifestyles, they probably wouldn’t want some rando being like “what kinda nonsense wedding is this”

what song their first dance is to

I’m gonna be honest. I have no idea. But I do know that their second dance HAS to be Tainted Love, since that was from their first real adventure together, and I love shit coming full circle.

Thanks for the ask! sorry it got so long, it’s a long ask meme lol and I have a lot of thots. I love tenrose and would officiate their marriage myself. actually i’m ordained so i could legally do it.

#the whiscash administration #doctor who #asks #long post #I’m sorry it’s so long my brain thinks a lot

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dat-town · 4 years

Text

CODE Z3RO | CODE 01

characters: BTS & Red Velvet genre: thriller, futuristic au warning: none summary: The twelve most ambitious and promising university students are welcomed in Choego, the world’s first entirely artificial intelligence-driven city, to compete for five job contracts that could change their life. But what if something goes wrong? What if they get trapped? What if the city suddenly turns against them? Can they find a way out before the countdown reaches zero? words: 4.4K tagged: @philosopher-of-fandoms

➼ Chapter Index

Smart cities had been prickling people's mind ever since microchip was created and even before. A place with infrastructure so developed you could find everything you need in a 10 minute walk radius, with such top security you wouldn't have to be afraid of letting your child outside, with an air so clear thanks to the green places and lack of cars that you could see stars clearly at night. The city that itself produced all the energy it needed making it sustainable and environmentally friendly. A community that didn't need nor relied on physical workers anymore but had machines to do everything they did. A city like that used to be a dream. Now, after dozens and dozens of failed projects, that city was Choego.

And Jeon Jungkook was there to make a name for himself.

After getting checked by a high tech security system, not to mention the more than 6 months long application and selection process, he was finally here, inside of those enormous gates of the artificial city, in the heart of future, as the second youngest of the twelve candidates to be a part of the real-life simulation, to experience another world, the life as it was and what it could be.

"This is beautiful," a girl with her brown hair in a ponytail, tied by a red ribbon whispered on his right in awe.

Jungkook glanced at her a little disinterested but followed her gaze anyway to marvel at the city built of metal and glass, pretty parks in-between of the human-made constructs and a part of him agreed. The lack of annoying mass of people flooding the streets, the clean roads without litter or stinking smell, the mathematical architecture of this place sure impressed him too.

Even if Choego was more of a ghost town with the lack of people than the dream city presented on ads.

"Sure if you have the taste of a caveman," another girl chimed in sarcastically, flipping her long black hair behind her shoulder, grabbing on her Gucci bag like her life depended on it.

Jungkook scoffed, averting his attention back to the huge projectors welcoming them in the city of future. It was a short movie about the development and building of the town, the fight and struggle of the hundreds of researchers, scientifics, politicians and other powerful people who dreamt a place like this could exist as it was today.

An awkward laugh cut through the murmurs of arrived students as their host descended on the granite stairs.

“Sorry for the advertisement. Our PR team insisted on showing you this,” said the tall, graceful female figure. She had a lab coat over her carmine dress, thick framed glasses on her snub nose and ginger hair so shiny she could have made an appearance in advertisements. She looked gorgeous, no wonder half the boys widened their eyes at the sight. However, the other half turned a blind eye to the welcoming committee, more immersed in the city itself.

Jungkook barely bat an eyelash at her as his mouth rather hang agapé on the enormous computer and server room the city had, a whole new district of wires and chips and machines that keep the city alive, it was basically the heart of its blood circulation. Amazing.

“My name is Han Raina and I’m the lead researcher here,” the woman bowed towards them slightly and being either polite or intimidated, most of the candidates did the same. “It’s my pleasure to greet you all.”

It sounded a bit forced, artificial but everybody anticipated her welcome speech because of the loads of classified information they basically came here in the blinds, not knowing anything about what to expect. Jungkook for one was clueless, and as he looked around, the other candidates had just as curious eyes like him. He was sure in one thing: he won’t go home without getting a job and the foundation of his stable future here.

“First of all, congratulation for passing our tests and being chosen. You are the greatest hope of the next generation and that’s exactly why you are here now. To see and be a part of the future. I would like to remind you that everything you do is recorded on hidden CCTV cameras all around the city because of security reasons and so that we can monitor your reactions.”

“I haven’t seen any cameras,” a pastel-haired boy interrupts as he checks the surroundings. A few follow his lead and he’s right, there are no cameras that can be seen around.

“They are too small to see. Probably micro or nano-sized,” Jungkook muttered and relished in the way every head turned towards him. As an electronic engineer student that was something he knew well.

“That’s right, Mr. Jeon, great thought,” Miss Raina smiles at him fondly and the screen that previously showcased the city’s presentation, was now divided into nine smaller frames, live recording of them from different angles. “But please, don’t pay any mind to them, act natural.”

For those who weren’t overdramatic, it was an easy task since they were aware that each public places had these kind of cameras recording people’s every move even in Seoul. Also, for safety reasons of future it was essential for the city to have eyes everywhere.

“I know all of you are very excited and curious since we left you in the dark but please understand that the simulation will only be realistic if you don’t know the details. However, it’s time to give you a little head-up on the city and about your week here. We can sit down and make ourselves comfortable in our meeting room. Follow me,” she beckoned a finger, inviting them closer and the dozen of university students followed her in unison.

“Sorry,” the earlier, ponytail girl apologized when she bumped into Jungkook on accident. She had pure innocence and childlike wonders in her eyes. Kim Yerim, the boy glanced at the name card hanging in her neck and he made a mental note about this girl not being a real competition.

“Let’s go, Yeri,” an older guy, Kim Seokjin based on his card, nudged her to move forward and there was both familiarity and fondness in his voice as he guided the girl by a hand on the small of her back. What a coincidence for siblings to make it to the top 12. Smartness must run in family or maybe the researchers wanted to add this as a factor to the simulation, who knows?

The group walked along a wall with a huge 3D map of the city into a room on the second floor which had a great view of the park in front of the building. They were merely 2 hours from Seoul yet it felt like another world, fancy, clean, ultramodern and green. Even the chairs in the room were done with utmost care to fit all the health requirements and ergonomic needs.

As soon as everybody was seated, the woman pulled out a high pack of documents and shared one pile of paper with each of them.

“First, we will need you to sign a non-disclosure agreement. You can’t tell anybody what you saw or experienced here. It’s a business know-how we can’t risk. If it’s done we can finally talk freely,” she explained as nobody complained. When they agreed to help this project, it was an evident, understandable condition.

Quickly everybody scribbled their names onto the paper but only a few of them read the contract throughout about the consequences of violating the confidentiality. Jungkook was one of those people.

When all of them handed the papers back to Miss Raina, she clapped happily.

“Okay, so now let’s talk about the city. You probably know a lot about its history, or if you don’t, you can always take our leaflets, so now let’s talk about its design,” she pointed at the map appearing on digital screen. As she was talking about certain parts of it, the map constantly changed, zoomed in or out. “We are now here, in the main research building of the town. Next to us is the laboratory, there’s the hospital, the public offices on the other side of the road. You can see the parks as the green blocks yourself too. Your dorms are located in the residential area, on the western part of the city. So yes, you will be able to see the sea but we do not recommend visiting it. For security reasons we closed off the ports.”

“And the bridge too,” a messy, brown haired guy mumbled as he stared at their cheerful host with cold suspicion. No matter how quiet he was, with that firmness of his voice nobody could not hear what he said and the hidden implication behind it.

Han Raina raised one of her prettily arched brows.

“Sorry but what do you mean by that?”

For a minute, it seemed like the guy was about to leave it with a grimace and careless shrug but then he pointed at the eastern side of the map where the Bridge of Silence, as they called it, connected the artificial island with the mainland.

“This city is totally closed and has only one way in and out with a gate controlled by electronics. Do you have any emergency plans for like terror attacks, or if they hack the gate?” he asked edging on the border of being necessarily polite and an arrogantly know-it-all. However, it was undebatable that the question he stated was an essential element of the security and safety of Choego.

“That’s highly unlikely to happen, Mr. Min but of course, “ the researcher lady nodded and sat down with her elbows resting on the table. She acted like the patient elementary school teacher educating the kids about the basic laws of physics. “Imagine this city as a huge computer. What happens when a computer is attacked?”

“The firewall kicks in,” the apparently tech-educated guy replied without hesitance and earned a satisfied smile from their host. A pang of envy poisoned Jungkook’s veins as he watched their interactions. Wasn’t it unfair for one of them to have a head start like this?

“Correct, it’s the same here too. Though, since our security is so high level any computer control panel has three-factor authentication including a biology one too,” Miss Raina explained and as Jungkook looked around, he wasn't sure everybody understood the concept of three-level protection. That it needed three separated traits to open a door, one knowledge-based like a password, one possession-based like an ID card and one biology-based like a retina scan. Because of the latter it was the most difficult kind of security system to trick without making a scene and the researcher echoed his thoughts:

“It’s impossible to hack our system from the outside. If anybody tries that, they have to be here and then we can pull a Louvre move on them. Does anyone know what happens if the security system detects a theft in the most famous museum of Paris?”

Ah, what is this? A quiz night? Jungkook almost grunted because he had no idea but he was actually surprised that for a long minute, nobody spoke up.

“It will close its doors, seal the endangered zone with bars until the police arrives,” the tall, wide-shouldered guy from earlier, Seokjin said much to the delight of the lady.

“Yes, so if anything like that happens, we plan to trap the intruders inside. The sectors would be switched off the electrical grid one by one until the attacker has no choice but to wait for the authorities right here,” she concluded and turned back to the suspicious guy. “And we have evacuation plans, too. Don’t worry.”

Jungkook wanted to laugh. If they were worried about something that definitely wasn’t terrorist attacks or a tsunami flooding the city. What were the chances of these events to happen right now while they were being evaluated? See? He was more stressed of the possibility of leaving without a contract in his hands, head down in shame.

“Okay, so since we talked about your dorm. Here are your ID cards,” Miss Raina flicked her fingers and at cue, the staff started handing out metal bracelets for each of them. “You can take off the visitor cards you got at the gate earlier since you are going to use these bracelets for identification from now on.”

The accessory’s design was simple, gender-neutral, easy to clamp on and light on the wrist.

“This functions as the prototype of the chips that will be injected into our future residents. It not only stores all the data about you but also monitors your health in case you were in an endangered situation. It also keeps track of your GPS coordinates to locate you and it holds all your authorization to make sure which sectors and offices you can and can’t go in. Your authorization level right now is a common researcher’s so you access most of our buildings including the labors. Once you will work here, of course, it will depend on your job position.”

“Does it have a camera in it, too?” a guy in baseball cap chimed in certainly not impressed by the idea of always being followed around. Not like phones didn’t have the same functions already and millions of people used those voluntarily.

The woman was quick to shake her head, seemingly absolutely horrified at the presumption.

“Of course not, we respect personal space.”

“But you will know when we go to pee,” said the guy as he threw in his visitor card that said Jung Hoseok to the middle of the table and put on the bracelet anyway. Even if this test took the evaluation process a bit too seriously with analyzing all their reactions, none of them wanted to leave. No matter how much doubt or fear they felt, they were too curious or too ambitious.

“What’s more, based on our health factors they will know when we need to go before we do,” a red-haired girl chirped and Jungkook frowned at the bracelet clipsed on his wrist.

“Yes, Miss Son is right, it’s an advanced tool, but keep in mind, it’s for your own good. It’s the future,” the researcher lady reminded them. The ‘future’ seemed to be their magic word solving every problem and being the ultimate answer.

“All in all, you need to have the bracelets on you all the time since it’s the key for your dorm rooms, too. Boys and girls will be separated, of course, but we provide you a common area to socialize where dinner and breakfast will also be served everyday. Based on your daily activities you will have lunch in either the offices’ or labor’s canteen,” she once again points at the map that highlighted the mentioned parts and flashed tomorrow’s menu on the board. Reading about Korean barbeque and pasta salads with salmon made Jungkook hungry as it was almost dinnertime and he hadn’t eaten since morning.

“Ahh it’s excited, isn’t it?” Miss Raina clapped enthusiastic again but nobody joined her. A few forced an awkward smile and some didn’t even care. They didn’t come here to have these chitchats and the middle-aged woman was most likely aware too as she added: “Don’t forget, even though we evaluate you individually, you have to work together in teams to succeed the simulation. Any questions?”

A few candidate exchanged uncertain glances but then a stern looking guy in dress shirt asked the question that had been on all of their mind: “What is the simulation about exactly?”

With his Rolex watch and elegant attire, it was obvious he came from a rich household. The son of Parks, Jungkook had heard about him. It was all in the news, that the child of the right-hand of Seoul's mayor will be a part of this test, one of those who can experience the dream city first hand. Some even thought he came here to spy for his father.

It was an interesting thought. Why would the investors of Choego let a potential rival's son on their land willingly? Or people are just being nosy and making fuss about nothing?

“I can’t tell you, sorry," Miss Raina shook her head and provided a diplomatic answer about her reasons. "It would change your natural reactions and the results of our research would be false.”

It actually made sense but Jungkook still couldn't make anything out about this project. He applied for the promise of bright future but they all basically dove into the unknown as they came here. But he wasn't the only one worrying about being left in the dark.

“And when will we be notified about our daily activities?” An older girl with rounded glasses asked as she was tapping on the glass table rhythmically but the awaited answer was just as vague as the earlier one.

“You will find your schedule for the week in your dorms. If you don’t have more questions, my colleagues will accompany you to there. Rest well, tomorrow will be a long day,” the researcher lady bid her goodbye with a well-practiced smile and two other scientists showed them the way to their temporary residences.

“You were brought here in an environmentally friendly bus but since the city is designed for pedestrians and not for cars you'll have to walk convenient distances like this,” they explained as they headed outside.

Their guides kept talking about the advanced technologies used in certain parts of the cities, the borders of the zones, the buildings' functions but Jungkook's mind wandered off as he stared ahead at the paradise made of glass, metal and money. He would live here one day, he decided and he wouldn't let anybody stop him now that he was finally here.

Kim Yerim had long learnt that in every group of people there was that one who knew the most nasty secrets of everybody and couldn’t shut up. She didn’t have to wait long to realize that among the twelve of them, Park Sooyoung was the gossip queen. No wonder since her whole family came from the tabloids.

“I really don’t get what half of these people even do here. It was in the requirement to have a major that can contribute to the development of the city and yet, here we have a psychologist, a sociologist and even a journalist?” she scoffed pointing at Joohyun, Hoseok and Yerim one by one. She didn’t even try to be discreet about her opinion as she was talking to noone in particular. She just wanted to show off but maybe it wasn’t the best crowd to do so, to outstand from. The mentioned boy didn’t seem to care that he was titled useless while the group’s eldest, Joohyun turned tomato red. It must have been quite offensive to her to be told off by a third-year while she was working on her doctorate.

And Yerim, she quickly turned her gaze away and her brother patted the back of her hand.

“Don’t even listen to her, okay?” Seokjin whispered into her ear and shot a sharp look at the girl in brand designed clothes. He was trying hard not to snap. He might have been a pretty calm person but for his sister, he would have done anything, to any extent.

It definitely wasn’t the hosts’ greatest idea to lock them into one place competing to get those limited job offers while they had to cooperate. They were both rivals and team members. What kind of absurd paradox it was? So when after having their nutritional dinner at their dorm place, they were advised to get to know each other a bit by introducing themselves or at least their name, age and major, it was almost obvious it wouldn’t end well.

“And that shabby kid?” Sooyoung carried on unbothered, pointing her finger at the youngest engineer of the group, Jungkook, if Yerim remembered correctly. “Believe me, he is the charity case here. This dorm is a real glow up from his place. The city creators must have taken pity on him”

“Oh as if you are any better. What the hell are you doing here, little vacation girl?” Jimin snorted and brought his arms onto the table, locking his fingers and looking straight at the Gangnam girl over his hands. From the look of her eyes, it was obvious the two of them had some history together or at least they knew each other, which wasn’t surprising as both of them lived the high life of rich kids. “You are only here because your daddy slipped a big pile of money to the investors.”

“Excuse me,” Sooyoung’s breath hitched and she looked downright offended by the accusation. “Every city needs tourists and that’s why I’m here. It’s just as important as the bullshit you do.”

That said bullshit was actually genetics, an innovative and really fascinating field of engineering. Yerim was actually quite impressed that even genetics were presented by the candidates.

“What did you just say? At least my field makes our lives better and healthier, it makes progress while you are just money-hungry...” the politician’s son kept raising his voice until Jin interrupted him:

“Enough,” he stopped the heated dispute with a single word before it could get even worse. “Haven’t you heard? We will need to work together. Not against each other.”

Maybe it was his Crisis, Disaster and Risk Management masters classes that taught him how to approach these problems but unfortunately, not everybody was so cooperating.

“As if,” somebody mumbled from the back, his lilac hair falling onto his forehead. He looked like he wanted no part in this desperate attempt at staying civilized as he stood up and left without any further goodbye. It stirred up the calming atmosphere again and Yerim couldn’t help but wonder if it was on purpose. Marketing was the keypoint of manipulation after all. That’s why she didn’t blame Sooyoung entirely for stereotyping all of them based on their majors and the information her father provided.

“Watch if I ever team up with these,” Gucci girl’s mouth pulled a grimace and as dramatic as she could be, she walked out the opposite direction Taehyung did, towards the girls’ dorm.

Yerim sighed. It was only their first day here and yet tension was already cuttable in the air. And the couple’s fight didn’t help either…

“Stop being so clingy, Joon,” the red-haired med student snapped at her boyfriend in disbelief. “We are not on a vacation, for god’s sake, let’s be professionals about this.”

“Huh? Now you’re saying we can’t be boyfriend and girlfriend here or what?” The pastel blonde hair guy blinked in confusion and - in Yerim’s opinion - understandable hurt written clearly on his face.

“It’s nothing personal, honey, but it’s basically a very unique job interview and you don’t befriend your rivals,” she said and trotted after Sooyoung.

A heavy sigh left Namjoon’s mouth and Hoseok who sit on his other side patted his back in empathy.

“My girlfriend also applied,” he told the exasperated engineer. “But when I got my letter, she said she was happy she didn’t got in because it would tear us apart. For your sake I hope she was wrong.”

She probably wasn’t, they all knew but nobody said anything and slowly they went on their way dispersing in the building.

Yerim got a good night hug from his brother and waved him off as she scribbled down some notes in her diary about today. Nobody was bothered by her little bit childish antics, nobody cared. The dining room was empty - save from one boy on his phone - when she finished and got up to shower and get ready for tomorrow.

Her assigned roommate was a very quiet girl called Seulgi who learnt some quite fancy named major - Civil, Environmental and Architectural Engineering as Yerim recalled - and she seemed pretty kind so far. They exchanged a few words before Yerim could actually use the bathroom. By the time she let her sore muscles loose under the hot water and brushed her teeth in front of the foggy mirror, Seulgi was fast asleep. With her nerves, the younger girl wasn’t so lucky, she struggled to close her eyes and let dreamland take her. Even the smallest noises of the ventilating system kept her awake.

After half an hour of tossing and turning in bed, she decided to take a world and have a glass of water so as quietly as she could she left their room. When the door closed behind her the corridor’s lamps automatically turned on much to her relief. She followed the directions she remembered from earlier, occasionally opening doors with her high-tech ID bracelet. Luckily she didn’t take it off for sleeping or else she would have had to go back for it. To her own surprise, she was able to locate and found the common room with kitchen without getting lost.

She filled a glass full of refreshing cold water and gulped it down as quickly as a man on verge of dying. Just as a relieved sigh bubbled up from her throat, she heard it… the clock ticking and hitting another hour. Then a flash of red painted the whole room colourful and Yerim almost dropped the glass as she turned on her heels. Putting it down onto the counter, she took careful steps towards the floor to ceiling glass windows. Her palm fit onto the cold surface nicely as she watched the moon’s reflection on dozens of glass buildings with wide eyes. The red light came from the building vis-á-vis burning carmine and angry. Yerim’s heart skipped a beat when suddenly she heard the unmistakable sounds of sirens.

“Ah I knew you were going to be here. Can’t sleep?” a familiar voice questioned in an amused tone and in her panicked state, the girl turned towards his brother, face breaking into a confused and terrified expression just like hers when they were children and she found a spider in their room.

“I think there’s something very very wrong, Jin,” she whispered in a trembling voice.

The faint distant sound of alarms and the warning red light suddenly stopped and then, all the lights darkened in the sector next to them. Like somebody turned the light switch off right at two o’clock and the border between the zones sparkled with electricity.

“No, it’s okay,” the elder said hurriedly pulling his sister away from the window. Just in time so she couldn’t see that lost bird flying right into the invisible wall and falling down as if it was struck by lightning. “I guess the simulation just started...”

#stories #series: code zero #bts fanfic #red velvet fanfic #bts thriller

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euphoriarps · 4 years

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❊ ◜THE .// introduction

ahoy there, friends! admin allie here coming at you with a fresh informtional guide about life here in sunny orlando (i say as i'm writing this from indiana and not florida). while we have definitey spent the majority of pre-buzz preaching to you that there is a lot more to orlando than just the theme parks (and as we have proven, there is) ... the theme parks are still an essential part of life in orlando. they are responsible for employing over 80,000 people and serve as a congregating place for tourists from all over the world. now for a little bit about me. i worked for the walt disney company from 2015 into 2016 as a part of the disney college program. during this time i had the privilege of working merchandise and attractions with this amazing company. i returned to disney for a secondary college program in 2017 during which time i returned to working attractions. i took a break from disney in the second half of 2017 and into 2018 and worked for universal where i worked for a period as an rip tour guide / vip tour guide / and with their guest services team. then i returned to disney in 2018 and worked in the resort side of disney before finally getting a fancy office job for disney working with the disney reservation center. i am no longer with either disney or universal, but i would like to imagine that my years of experience working for both theme parks pretty much makes me pretty knowledgeable on how things work as a cast member / team member. now it is important to mention that that everyones experiences with the theme parks is completely different. theme park work is not for everyone and my experiences are not my own and won't directly reflect those of another person. the opinions / facts expressed here are solely for use by members of euphoria, a jcink premium roleplay. they are not meant to bad mouth either of the companies in either way (though i will confess i am being brutally honest in expressing what to expect working for either of these companies). so without further adieu, an unofficial guide to working for walt disney world.

❊ ◜THE .// hiring process

applying for a job with disney is exactly like applying for a job with any other company, you go online to their disney careers website and you apply for one of their vacant positions. plain and simple. all applications submitted to the disney careers portal are not viewed by a human, instead they are run through a complex machine that picks up key words within your resume to determine whether or not you are the ideal disney candidate. it is for this reason that it is important to have a resume with disney-sounding buzz words. usually you'll know if you've moved on to the next step of working for disney within an hour to two hours after applying, receiving an automated email requesting that you submit a survey to help disney learn more about your personality. this is your stereotypical pre-employment survey asking the same exact questions in thirty different ways to determine whether or not you have the disney personality. after submitting this survey, if you have moved onto the next step you will receive a request to interview. interviews are held at the walt disney world casting building across from disney springs in lake buena vista. i would honestly recommend googling the building (there are tons of pictures) because it is really cool looking, and you get this big goose bumps feeling as you walk inside the main atrium because everything spews disney. you will be interviewed by a disney recruiter that will ask you your standard interview questions. it is important to mention that unless you applied for a job that offers a hiring bonus (ie: transportation, housekeeping) the recruiter is interviewing you for all vacant positions within disney and not specifically what you applied for. you very well could have applied for an attractions position and during your interview, you could walk out with an offer to work custodial. where you get placed as a cast member all depends on what areas they need staffed specifically, and your ability to direct the interview. if you really want to work in attractions, it is your responsibility to steer the recruiter towards talking about attractions and why you are a good fit for that specific role. if the recruiter likes you they will offer you a job on the spot. disney is not the type of company to say "oh, well, we'll call you." if they want you, they hire you. if they don't like you, they'll give you some disney excuse and send you on your way. the recruiter will email you your official job offer listing your specific role and your location and will have you accept it while sitting in their office. then they will send you back out into the lobby to wait for another recruiter to call you over to schedule the next steps. the next steps following getting hired are onboarding and then traditions. onboarding is exactly what it sounds like, a member of the human resources team will verify your i9 information and start running your background check. another member of the team will sit down with you and advise you of the disney look which i will go into more detail on later. you will be educated on many different dos and don't about working within the company and then finally they will end the onboarding process by finger printing you and taking your photo for your blue ID. and then you're done. traditions is your first official paid day of work. it is an eight hour class held at disney university, a building located in the parking lot of backstage magic kingdom. cast members joke and affectionately call traditions "disney brain washing," but ... it's not entirely an exaggeration. the point of the class is to teach you company history and background, and also give you insights on the culture of the company that you'll be working for. the class ends with a surprise visit from your boss, the big cheese himself ... mickey mouse. he delivers you very first name tag and your facilitators will hand out both your blue IDs and your name tags and if you're a first time cast member you will 100% cry because this is very emotional. and from that point on, it is on to official training. some helpful hints: as long as you fit with the disney look and have the personality they are looking for, it is fairly easy to get hired with the company. roles consist of attractions, custodial, quick service food and beverage, full service food and beverage, guest relations, "entertainment," housekeeping, front desk & concierge, transportation, merchandise, and so many more. the roles that you cannot get an immediate hire for are those existing within the entertainment bubble as those typically require a formal audition or a secondary set of interviews. entertainment roles include; character performer, musician, dancer, vocalist, photopass, or character attendant. i will be delving into entertainment and its ins and outs in a complete separate post, as this post is already going to have a fuck ton of information. you also cannot get immediate hire for most office and technical or executive jobs (the exception being reservations agents with the disney reservation center). you especially can not get an immediate hire for guest relations or tours with disney, these roles involving an intense application process that calls for at least nine months within the company, and an intensive interview + audition process to prove that you're good enough to wear the plaid.

❊ ◜THE .// company culture

disney has a very high standard that they hold their cast members to, and they either meet these standards or are damn good at pretending like they do. there are some company cultural values that you are taught during the interview process, traditions, and in your work location that become a part of your day to day life. the disney look is a very strict set of appearance guidelines you must comply with in order to work for disney. if you want a really good read, you can find the full disney look book here. if you're like me and you don't want to read that, the tldr of it is : your hair must be of a natural color and not have any sort of an extreme style. mo hawks, faux hawks, extreme fades, undercuts, and anything of that nature are probably not allowed. disney does allow for dread locks, braids, or artificial hair (ie: wigs) as long as it is kept neat and can be pulled up and away from the face if needed. jewelery is limited to a watch and one ring on each hand, earrings can not exceed the size of a quarter, makeup must be conservative (and your manager will yell at you if you try to pull of a cat eye), and you cannot have visible tattoos. your tattoos either must be able to be hid beneath your costume, or you must wear long pants / thick tights / long sleeves to hide the tattoo. only one piercing is allowed on each ear and cast members are not permitted to display any other piercings while working (ie: nose , eyebrow , lip, etc). men must keep their facial hair conservative and neatly groomed. overly long beards / mustaches, and patchy uneven facial hair are not permitted. the four keys disney's service standards are built around "four keys," that are essentially the cast member bible. in order of importance those four keys are; safety, courtesy, show, and efficency. they beat these words into you during traditions, during training, and your managers will regularly remind them of them during your day to day work. as a cast member, you must know and embrace the four keys in order to survive. cast member behaviors; disney has some standards for certain behaviors that you must upkeep. they encourage cast members to eliminate words like hard "yes" and "no" from their vocabulary and instead encourage things like: certainly, absolutely, it would be my pleasure, or "i don't know but i will glady find out for you." there are exceptions to this rule, of course, namely when a mother has stuck ice cream sandwiches in her son's shoes to try and make him tall enough to ride splash mountain. then the cast member will definitely tell you "no, your son can not ride." cast members never point with one finger. directions are always provided by pointing with two fingers or with an open palm. and the disney scoop is another strange cast member behavior you'll witness, where they can scoop up trash / a dropped item without even breaking their pace while walking. cast members are trained to get to know you. they will often comment on small details about you to try and make conversation. if you're wearing a celebration button that disney provides, they will wish you a happy birthday, a happy anniversary, a happy graduation or whatever it is that you are celebrating. if your name is displayed on your button, they will call you by your first name. little kids are addressed as "princess" or "space ranger," and cast members will kneel down to their level to interact with them and will keep the biggest possible smile on their face. it is encouraged to make children feel just as acknowledged as the parents are, because disney is created for individuals of all ages. and finally, cast members are trained experts of de-escalation, well versed at all variations of yelling guests angry over the most obscure of things. if it starts raining, if her son couldn't ride splash mountain because he was a quarter of an inch too short (because the ice cream sandwiches melted) it is your fault and you should be ashamed of yourself. your prized posessions cast members have several "prized possessions" that they keep on them at all times. first, of course, is your blue ID. it is a blue piece of plastic displaying your name, your personel number (how you are identified within disney's internal portal), the god awful picture you took your second day with the company at onboarding, and your seniority date (essentially the date you were hired. as disney is unionized, this also determines how easy it is to get the schedule you want, etc). your blue ID is neccessary to gain access to back stage areas, to redeem free parking at the theme parks, and to access your cast member discount so you don't spend your entire paycheck on disney merchandise (just most of your paycheck). the second prized posession is your main entrance pass. another piece of plastic similar to the blue ID, this is essentially your gateway into the theme parks. cast members receive free admission into all of the disney theme parks worldwide (besides tokyo) most days out of the year, though they are subject to blockout dates. they also receive a select number of "guest passes," that they may use to admit friends into the parks ... also subject to black out dates. the point system disney has a very strict point system that cast members learn to work with while at disney. there are numerous things that you can get points for, but the easiest way to accumulate points is your attendance. to be perfectly clear you do not want points. so here is the simplest possible run down i can give to points.... if you're half a second late to your shift, you get half a point. if you forget to clock in from lunch / clock out, you get a point. if you call out, you get a point. three points in 30 days / 6 points in 90 days / 9 points in 180 days equals a reprimand. four reprimands equals immediate termination, though disney has the opportunity to terminate you before that point if your work performance isn't quite what they're looking for. to succeed as a cast member get . to . work . early and don't call out. also don't call out and go hang out in the parks, that is the #1 dumb way to get termed (disney lingo for "canned.")

❊ ◜TRAINING .// and working

after completing traditions you will officially begin training. the first few days after traditions, depending on your role, are also classroom training. the second day of official work is usually welcome to operations which is a six hour class that you will probably fall asleep four. the class is essentilly focusing upon teaching you those four keys that i mentioned earlier and how to live by them like it is your religion. you are also made to watch the safety in motion video, which is available for your viewing pleasure right here. while training programs are different for every role and location, your third day is typically orientation to your specific park / resort where you will learn the background, history, and theming to your work location. day three very often results in meeting with your official training and taking your first official trip to costuming where you will get your costume for your role. probably the second most exciting and rewarding day of training after traditions, though the disney costume sizes are so bizarre that they'll probably make you feel fat. you wear a size six in real life? well at disney you're a fourteen. from that point on, you'll typically have a week and a half to two weeks of in person training where you have a trainer to show you the ropes and teach you everything that you need to know to function in your job. training will end with an assessment which is two parts, a practical test where you have to show you can perform the functions of your job to a trainer. the second is a written test where you get quizzed on various safety procedures within your area and the work processes that go along with them. and then you can officially get to work.

❊ ◜WORKING .// and other

cast members are usually statused as either full time or part time, with part time working an average of two days a week (12 - 16 hours) all the way up to thirty hours. full time cast members work thirty eight hours at the bare minimum, but typically average anywhere from forty to the possibility of working quite a bit of overtime. when i was in attractions with disney, i averaged sixty-five hours a week. your schedules are dropped via the hub (the website that is your resource for all things cast member) on saturday at midnight a week in advance. cast members typically have face book groups for their work areas where they can communicate and give away / trade shifts as needed to get the schedule that they need to work with their personal life. shifts can be given away / switched via the hub. other than that, working for disney is pretty much your typical job only with some pretty fantastic perks. you get free park admission, guest admission, a discount, and you get to make magic for people all around the world... overall ... pretty cool. if you have any specific questions about playing the most accurate disney cast member possible, you can reach out to me via the site discord or direct message me on discord. i am more than happy to answer questions regarding my specific experience with disney and how to best place your character!! i did not want to share too much information about disney publicy for fear that i would get a cease and desist warning from disney. that would be pretty bad. but i hoped this guide helped you. there will be another guide specific to working entertainment and then a guide to working at universal that you can look forward to sometime soon!

#euphoriarps #jcink premium #jcink site #jcink roleplay #orlando rp #florida rp #orlando fl #site buzz #preview:location #location:preview #update #god this is long #i hope someone gets use from this #take word vomit on working for theme parks

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thishazeleyeddemon · 5 years

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even villains love their kids; a Descendants fanfic

Y’all I really love Celia...and I was like hey, what if one of the VKs WASN’T a child of abuse?

(not that Facilier is really a...GOOD parent.)

https://archiveofourown.org/works/19472725 <--Read on Ao3! Please reblog if you like it :)

Facilier didn’t need to monitor the arcade directly, most of the time.

He did, of course, since Islanders were a sneaky, treacherous lot (this was thought without rancor or judgement; they all knew who they were and had been on the Isle), but actually walking the floor hadn’t been necessary for a while. He could just watch, instead; watch from his balcony the swarm and swirl of filthy, exhausted people surrounded by the glittering lights of his machines like a twisted parody of an Auradonian ball.

Oh, look. CJ Hook was trying to pry the back of one of the machines open. For parts, or for money, perhaps? Not that any of his machines had anything that had much use outside of being part of arcade machines.

He contemplated for a moment jumping down to tell her to go fuck off back to her dad or he’d go throw her in the sea, when he saw a small figure moving through the crowds towards her. It had a diminutive size but was making good progress, through judicial application of small, sharp elbows. Despite himself, he grinned, leaning against the rail of the balcony.

CJ, focused on her attempted theft, had not raised her head to notice the figure. It was likely she wouldn’t have noticed the figure even if she had, Facilier considered. He’d taught Celia better than that.

Celia, a good foot added to her height from her tattered old hat, stepped out of the crowd and clapped CJ on the shoulder. Facilier was up too high to hear what she said, but he saw CJ turn and snarl at her like a wildcat. Facilier curled his lip back. Some people did not know how to raise their children.

From what he could see of Celia’s face, she looked equally unimpressed. She folded her arms and said something to CJ that made the already-white girl pale even further. Still snarling something, but with the wind visibly taken out of her sails, she shoved her tools in the pockets of her red overcoat and stalked off. All the Hooks walked like that, he thought idly. Like a little kitten pretending to stalk like a tiger.

Celia brushed her dress off and gave the back of the machine a swift kick, knocking the back panel back into place.

The balcony was fine but this was getting dull. Time to go check on Celia.

Dr. Facilier closed the door to the balcony behind him and strode towards the stairs. They kept their house dark and warm like a cave, and the soft wood (not too soft, he wouldn’t have to replace it for a while yet) muffled his footsteps.

Here’s an important note about Dr. Facilier: he’d gotten dragged to Hell.

Several of the others had died, but they all reported not remembering what had happened to them. Facilier...well, he wasn’t sure if he’d died. Under the Friends’ care, however, there had certainly been a few times when he’d wished...

It gave him a different sort of perspective, on the Isle. Even without his Shadow, his constant companion that meant there was never a day he was alone in truth, even poor and magic-less, he was alive, and could breathe the free air under the sun – even if it was warped and faded from the Barrier. He could almost thank Tiana for it – if it was this or the Friends, he’d take this any day, any hour, any minute.

Here’s another note: he’d been poor his life. All these grand kings and queens didn’t know how to fend for themselves, how to make the best out of a poor situation. That was why Grimhilde was going mad in her tower and Cruella had stayed in her house ever since she’d tried to take a knife to one of Hades’ hounds and he’d...disapproved. They were falling apart, scrambling for power wherever they could find it. Pathetic, really.

He reached the staircase and, on the grounds that no one was watching, slid down on the banister. Braking with his cane, he stopped neatly before he reached the end and hopped off. Still got it. He strode off towards the door to the arcade floor.

Here’s one more note: Facilier was smart. One of his allies had gotten knifed by her daughter last week. They didn’t exactly do murder investigations on the Isle, but when he’d gone to see what was up the kid had explained to him at length how her mother had deserved it, had beaten her until she’d bled and how she couldn’t take it anymore. There was one obvious way, he felt, to avoid such situations.

He opened the door, and the blast of light and sound from the arcade was like a slap to the mouth. As always, something in him recoiled slightly; he didn’t have nightmares, at least not most nights, but too much light and open spaces still made his wrists and mouth itch. At least it wasn’t green.

A glance up told him the sun had started to set. Good. He was getting tired of this lot anyway.

A few wacks against the Wheel of Fortune got everyone’s attention. Those who hadn’t noticed got smacked by those who had, and in thirty seconds he had the eyes of every one of his patrons on him.

Back in New Orleans he would have come up with a spiel, but the Isle didn’t stand on ceremony. At least not in the arcade, everyone knew why they came here.

“Alright, show’s over, go home,” he called. At the various protests he received at this he scowled. He had a good scowl. He was gratified to see a couple of people flinch at it. “Machines’ll shut off with the sun anyway. Get out or I’ll make you.” He’d had to a few times; he hadn’t killed anyone (don’t want to waste a potential customer) but the miscreants still had the scars.

Shortly afterwards, the remaining customers were filing out. The crowd thinned as the sun’s light faded, the last man stepping out just as the sun dipped below the horizon and the mechanical hum dimmed and died. Magi-tech, they’d found, generally worked even under the Barrier – the problem was they couldn’t acquire any.

Celia was sitting on one of the pinball machines. He gave her a look and she hopped off.

“So, Cels?” he asked, switching to French – he could swear his thoughts were clearer in his mother-tongue. “What’d we get today?”

“Not much more than usual,” Celia said, walking over to his side. Celia’s French was worse than his was, but then it hadn’t been her birth tongue. “We made almost...four hundred and sev-”

Facilier smacked her on the shoulder, just enough to barely sting. “ No English at home, Cels, you know this.”

She sighed but switched back to French. “ I still don’t know why.”

“Because it’s one of the things Auradon would take from you, Cels,” he reminded her. He walked off towards the door back into their apartment, Celia following behind without question. She was no wilting lily to do everything he told her, she was whip-crack smart, but if she thought he had good ideas, she’d happily do what he wanted. Despite himself, it made his chest warm – any idiot could throw their weight around and get what they wanted by force or intimidation. It took intelligence and work to be able to get someone to do what you wanted all on their own and it didn’t come with any risk of betrayal.

“ Auradon would love you to be alone in the world, with no connection to anything outside the Isle,” he told her, opening the door for her (something he’d had to explain to her was only acceptable at home; he wouldn’t have her viewed as soft by this gang of malcontents and murderers). “ You’re going to know your history and people.”

She nodded, moving past him through the darkened doorway. He smiled at her back almost unconsciously.

They only kept a few candles in their house. It had never troubled either of them; they still had a few gifts from Facilier’s days as a bokor. Plus, the Friends, despite being creatures of night, had an abode with no shadows anywhere. Anywhere that didn’t look like... there was good in Facilier’s book. Also the candlelight made it look like his Shadow was still with him. Having an emotional attachment to your own shadow might be kind of strange, but hey. He was a villain (thanks Tiana.) It was allowed, he thought, and brushed his fingers along the wall.

The arcade brought a better income and protection for them than most people got. He closed his eyes, letting his consciousness spread out until he felt the gentle hum of the wards. They were still strong, untouched.

Auradon thought a mere Barrier could take all magic. Stupid.

Cels had flopped down at their kitchen table, tossing her hat down next to her and resting her head on her arms. He gave Cels a look. “ Hell’s wrong with you?”

Celia shrugged without raising her head. “ I’m just tired. Did you see that VK Day is in a few weeks?”

VK Day.

The shadows flickered with Facilier’s sudden rage.

“ No,” he drawled, “ somehow I missed it with all the propaganda posters up around the entire Isle.”

Celia snorted. His lips twitched.

“ I got one of their applications yesterday,” Celia told him. She raised her head, looking him dead in the eyes. “ I think I’ll fill it out.”

He stared at her. Separate from their lit candles, the shadows roiled. “ What -”

Celia raised her hands before he could finish. “ No, Daddy, I have a plan.”

“That involves going along with their -” Facilier didn’t quite have words for exactly how he felt about the VKs. He just felt, somewhere down in what had probably once been his soul, that it was alright for him to be...well, a villain, because he didn’t try to seem like anything but what he was. Anyone who thought he was trustworthy or safe was an idiot or desperate or both ( or Celia ), but leaving people on the Isle to fight and suffer while pretending to be grand heroes, smiling on TV and dressed in fancy clothes, looking every inch like the protagonists, was...a different kind of villain. One he’d hoped to leave in New Orleans.

Celia nodded. “ Just for a little while.” She rested her chin on her arms again, fixing him with one of her piercing gazes. “ I’ve been doing some groundwork with Mal, positive predictions, that sort of thing. I think she’ll pick me to go to Auradon Prep.”

“And then?”

“What do you think?” Celia fixed him with one of her wide, bright smiles, filled with life and mischief. “ I rob them blind, obviously!”

Facilier, unusually, found that for a moment, he had no words. Celia’s smile seemed closer to slipping with every second he was silent, but she held her ground.

Finally he spoke. “ What about the Wand?”

“I don’t think that’ll work now,” Celia told him. “Uma and Mal both tried for it and lost, it’ll be heavily guarded and they’ll be expecting us to go for it. There’s other magic in the world, though, stronger than faery magic. And Auradon is rich as anything – if I get money from them, I can buy all the spells in the world.” She rose from the table, stepping around to take Facilier’s hand. The cool leather of her gloves was offset by the warmth of her hands in his. She was so small.

“ I’ll free you too, Daddy,” she said, eyes shining. “ If I don’t go for the Wand and pretend to be scared, they won’t expect it. And then you can take me to New Orleans – teach me voodoo and hoodoo – maybe we could go to Tiana’s restaurant and steal some cake and stuff -” Celia smiled again, hope rising in her face. “ I can bring down the Barrier and free us, Daddy. I just have to get Mal to take me to Auradon first.”

Facilier was smart. He knew that while force and intimidation had its place, you could get much further on manipulation and knowing when to strike and that if you were careful, that didn’t even come with a risk of betrayal. He knew that the practical thing to do was to play to people’s sensibilities, make them like you, and then they’d do anything for you.

It was the furthest thing from his mind as he yanked his daughter into a very unvillainous hug. She froze for just half a second before throwing her arms around him as well. She smelled like they all did on the Isle, of dirt and malnutrition and exhaustion – he saw behind his eyes the two of them in New Orleans, no, in Auradon, where the people didn’t know their names, safe and healthy and back in power.

There would be no mucking around with talismans this time. This time they would do it correctly.

“ You know Cels,” he said quietly into her hair, “ That makes dollars and sense.”

Her laughter was more beautiful than he thought he could ever find such a thing.

Fine, Tiana, you win. I see what you meant now, that last night.

“If you got pride, wave your Vs up high!”

Mal’s voice rang out over the crowd, accompanied by cheers and hands shooting towards the sky. Below the VK podium, hidden in the shadows, Facilier observed the carrying-on.

Celia was in the crowd, waving her application in the sky like the rest of them. None of their conversation weeks before showed on her face. Was that his imagination, or did he see Mal cast her a few approving glances?

“You can take the VK out of the Isle, but you can’t take the Isle out of the VK!” Jay shouted. Facilier smiled, despite himself. Son, you have no idea.

Who else was here to dupe the VKs? Those two from Uma’s crew definitely were – Uma had a magnetic personality and a zero-tolerance for disloyalty - but who else? Not Dizzy, she thought Evie was her mother practically (as he’d heard her say – even VKs just hung out with their friends sometime, and Celia despite herself liked Dizzy), but perhaps that one of Gaston’s spawn?

“We used to steal stacks, now we give ‘em back!”

Celia cheered with the rest of them, looking just like another worshipping hopeful. Facilier grinned.

Maybe you do, VKs, but us? Auradon owes us a cut of those stacks.

He saw Mal’s gaze turn towards Celia. The older girl gave her a bright smile, beginning to beckon her forward.

And my Celia isn’t giving a single damned thing back.

Closing his eyes, he did something he hadn’t in decades. If anything’s listening, give my child some luck. More than I had.

There was nothing else to be done. With that, Dr. Facilier turned and walked away.

Maybe they would steal some cake.

Fin.

#descendants #disney descendants #descendants 3 #dr. facilier #celia facilier #d3 #descendants fanfic #i swear to god I haven't posted fic in years...#im serious about reblogging if u enjoy it btw #loren writes

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abundantchewtoys · 5 years

Text

HS Epi: Meat p25 reaction

---

Though, we might jump to Roxy & Calliope again. It might be that, now her Reload self is... verschwunden, she's going to regain consciousness to a certain extent again. We'll just have to see if her condition is any better than Rose's, but I would hope so.

---

"ROSE: Customarily, we speak in favorable terms about “getting to know each other” as people." Uh, wut? Rose... is talking coherently? I thought post-victory Rose would mostly have stayed to short sentences, in that discourse Dirk referred to. Talk about "working through the pain".

Well then! I suppose their discussion is more related to the ultimate self than Dirk was letting on. Of course it would be, I mean, Dirk is trying to get Rose in a favorable state of mind, maybe to break down her resistence to the ascension by convincing her of the validity of his point of view.

"ROSE: The more we learn about each other, the more the barriers between us fall and the closer we become." So, is that part of the ultimate self ascension, too? The more you understand other people and vice versa, the more even the barriers between your distinct ultimate selves fall away? ... Are they all evolving into their own story's version of Godhead Pickle Inspector?

"And to question this in any way is to succumb to dysfunction, to pathological insularity, to sociological sin. ROSE: It is to renounce humanity itself, is it not? DIRK: Yo, hold on a sec. This shit is dynamite, I promise. DIRK: Gotta take care of something..." Pffff, Dirk is half distracted. And Rose was having her groove on, too! For a moment I thought he was grabbing for a pen to take notes. :P

"Rose’s phone is ringing, and I know I’m in for an encore of my last dead-end conversation with Kanaya, so I block her number. I’d like to be able to attend to Rose in peace. It’s only cordial for me to give the greater percentage of my attention to someone I actually invited over. The nagging wife can hold her horses." Oh Dirk. You garbage bag of a person, you. He's quite literally full of himself, lately.

"Rose isn’t speaking to me directly. She’s been relocated to somewhere in the workshop a little more comfortable than the fucking floor." Having her talk out loud, drowning in her own thoughts. It's almost as if he's inviting her to become like him.

"Her head is in her hands again, hair falling over her shoulders. Her face is entirely hidden from me." It's as if it always comes back to Rose biting through her issues while hiding her face. An allusion to the blindfolded Seer?

"Her shadow has faded to light behind her, assuming the shape of a Rose-like apparition. I nod to her, and she continues. When she speaks, it’s almost as if it’s the apparition that’s doing the talking." ... Is her shadow slowly detaching from her as a separate being?? That's some Peter Pan-type shenanigans. I'm not even surprised this came back to be referenced. So, what if that's what's happening, and it isn't just that her shadow is fading due to the light changing outside? If the ultimate self detaches from the body, doesn't that mean they're, like, closer to ghosts? Does Dirk have his old body stashed somewhere, if this has happened to him? I doubt it, since he was perfectly capable of fighting Jake, earlier.

"ROSE: If two people were to know each other in such a complete way, what remains of their individuality? DIRK: If you’re going there, we might as well start at the bottom and define what an “individual” even is. ROSE: Oh dear god." Rose might be afraid to let Kanaya in any more than she already is. But in the grand scheme of the ultimate self, it might also have a double meaning. Maybe Dirk is convinced they're all shards of the same self.

"I place my hand on my chin and broadcast the appearance of being deeply pensive about philosophy all of a sudden. She gulps hard, broadcasting her grim realization that I have indeed become serious as shit about this. Literally any kind of intellectual pablum could pour out of my mouth any second, and she’s not prepared. For all she knows, I’m about to start quoting Kierkegaard." Is Rose afraid her biological father is going to lay the philosophy aside and slamming psychology? ... No wait, Kierkegaard was a philosopher, I find. Then, she might not be prepared for philosophy as much as psychology, when I thought the former was taking place already, but apparently.

"DIRK: Hey, where I come from, Wikipedia is a venerated literary resource. So if I told you I boned the hell up on his pages, you gotta believe me. That’s not meant as like, a punchline or anything. DIRK: I’m a really, really well-read dude." His education came from Wikipedia. Well, it beats Uncyclopedia, I guess.

"ROSE: But there were only two human beings alive where you came from. ROSE: Who exactly were the academic cognoscenti of your era to determine which sources were deemed respectable? DIRK: That would be me, obviously." Rose already ruled out trolls at the beginning of this page to have a valid opinion in this matter, so )(IC was already out.

"DIRK: I suppose you’re going to tell me you haven’t read enough Wikipedia articles on loads of scholarly shit to fancy yourself an elite academic by 25th century standards as well? ROSE: No, I guess I have. ROSE: I’d be one of the top intellectuals by that measure. ROSE: A measure set by, I guess, literally one solitary self-absorbed teen boy for the express purpose of making himself feel clever." This. Such a good burn.

"apparently in any given era the standard for depth of intellectual mastery is inversely proportional to the depth of the ocean." Well, we don't know that it's true for ANY given era. I'm not sure the proportion of intellectici vs. plebs in ancient Greece was proportionally higher than in the 21st century. We just have a lot of philosophy of that age survive until today. Also, heh, ocean, makes me think of LOLAR and her denizen at the bottom of the sea.

"DIRK: Let’s have a totally amateur debate on philosophy. Hit me with the classics. ROSE: Um. DIRK: I’ll go first." Well, heh, okay, at least Dirk is aware his assessment of himself is full of crap. That continues to be one of his most endearing characteristics.

"ROSE: How about, ROSE: “Subjectivity is truth.” DIRK: Wrong, but valid. DIRK: Try this on for fucking size. DIRK: “Late 19th century existential phenomenology pre-supposes that free will is a thing.”" For all that these might apply to the ultimate self... They're just quoting/paraphrasing the Wikipedia page now, aren't they?

"ROSE: I don’t think I bookmarked that page. ROSE: Can’t back you up there. DIRK: But what if there’s no free will. ROSE: You didn’t put that in quotes." How does she even know? :P His tone of voice, presumably. And yeah, this starts coming back to the discussion about the alpha timeline and pre-destination in the existential framework of Paradox Space. I suppose it would make sense that the Ultimate Riddle comes back in the discussion of the ultimate self.

"DIRK: Haven’t we spent the entire day having a feelings jam on how none of us got here by accident? DIRK: Our lives were meticulously planned from clone-ception up through this very post-canon moment we find ourselves riffing in about the very free will we probably don’t even have. DIRK: Don’t you think it’s all a little too convenient?" He's acknowledging his state as a fictional character again, without stating it outright. Does he want Rose to come to the same conclusion as him by herself? Though it is ironic how, post-realization, he's had so much more agency in the nature of his own life. Unless he realizes he still doesn't. Wow, that's really getting meta.

"ROSE: This seriously is just a conversation between two stoned people now." ROSE: The bad kind, where neither one even gets to be high."PFfffffff. Yeah, actually, we need Gamzee's input up in here. 'have you ever, like, really LOOKED at your life?'

"DIRK: Seriously, Rose. Do you think that you have free will?" Is it in essence the question that leads to ultimate self realization? That Dirk is hammering so hard on it? Ironic though, that the question is twofold no: one outside of the story, and one inside of it.

"ROSE: I... DIRK: Stand up." WOOOOW. He's going to show off his powers now, isn't he? What's that even going to do to Rose, realizing he can do that without so much as breaking a sweat?

She might resist similar to John though, which is proof that his influence isn't total.

"She tries to stand up, but I haven’t narratively allowed it yet." That's another application of his powers, apparently - to offset, to negate action. He hasn't used it a lot yet, though.

"She attributes it to exhaustion, an all-encompassing sense of weakness due to her condition. Of course, she has been weakened by her condition, and thus she suspects nothing." I like Blaperile's theory, that what Dirk can allow them to do is limited to what they believe they're capable of OR which they can rationalize away. I hope it's only the former.

"It’s done deftly enough that she doesn’t notice how close I end up sitting to her. To be honest, I don’t even notice myself until I’ve done it. I continue speaking, and she remains rapt. But now even I can’t help but wonder where I’m going with this." Uh... Has he really started to lose track of his own motivations? More proof that he isn't omniscient and still being narrated instead of being his own narrator.

"DIRK: Logically speaking, individuality is a collection of processes and properties, interrelations of matter and experience all bundled together. DIRK: Your experience and processes don’t want to be bundled together anymore." So, is it only that her selves are trying to merge, or that even her own 'self' is trying to become something more, merging with others? And if so, is that Dirk confessing to what he's going through himself?

"A moment goes by, and she’s quiet, perhaps puzzling over what I said. Then I remember I haven’t narratively permitted a response. I’m forgetting myself, like a fool. Distracted by the surprise my own actions have caused me. I resolve to stay focused, remain in control. I let her speak." He's getting distracted again. You can't be both a character and an author, at the same time, for an extended amount of time.

"ROSE: I don’t understand. DIRK: You do, though. DIRK: We’ve been talking about it, but using different concepts." I wonder if Dirk is trying to retroactively tell Rose what they've been talking about, filling in the unshown conversation.

"DIRK: Your Ultimate Self, that which is revealed when the mind’s partitions are stripped away, and all potentiality of who you are and what you could have been flow together. DIRK: Those are the experiences and processes that are refusing to stay bundled, that’s what your body can’t endure." Ah, okay, so not like her self is trying to merge with his and other people's.

"The unbundling itself is your mind coming apart. DIRK: Because you’re not as strong as me. Not yet. DIRK: But you can be. DIRK: I’m working on that. DIRK: But for now, I’m focused on stabilizing you with my own expanding consciousness." Aka, with his narrative powers, he's stopping her body from breaking down further, because he doesn't allow it. Does she have to stay near him for that to keep working?

"DIRK: You can’t see it, what I’m talking about. But I can help you. DIRK: I can help you see what I see, if only for a little while. DIRK: All you have to do is open your eyes." I don't think her shadow is going to develop eyes. ... I like Blaperile's theory, that he'll give her limited control on the narration, guiding her to further understanding. It would allow her to develop her own idea about what her Ultimate Self should look like, with less influence from him.

"Rose opens her eyes. Not her physical eyes. She opens the others easily, internally, beholding a field of perception elsewhere entirely. They see what I want her to see. That which quietly desires to be seen." Rose's mind quest begins. 'That which quietly desires to be seen', is that the story, or at least the part of it that is narrated, aka relevant, true and essential?

"We’re not in my workshop anymore. Physically, yes, we’re still here. But on a higher textual plane, we’ve pulled back from that, from Earth C itself. Rose takes a shuddering breath and runs an invisible pair of hands afforded by her new sight over the narrative whole cloth, and begins smoothing out the wrinkles. ROSE: I see... John." Cooool! She's starting to gain the same understanding as Dirk, here's to hoping she does a better job with it than him. But hey, Dirk still acknowledges his physical form on Earth C, so he isn't a ghost, and he still thinks of the body as important, at least that's something and he hasn't started to think of himself as some immaterial conscience.

"DIRK: Doing exactly what you told him to do, like a good boy." Not sure if he's actually done everything John planned. Plus, yeah, Dirk's been influencing him along the way.

"ROSE: ..." She might notice that, too.

"DIRK: What’s there to be upset about? You knew this was how it was supposed to go down. ROSE: He could have made another choice." And he did, in the Candy path. I wonder how that influenced the rest of the story, and if Hussie really went and showed us that. Maybe Dirk 'knows' about the Candy path and the difference it would have made.

"DIRK: Then where would we be? ROSE: Who knows." Meanwhile, in another narrative context, at the same time... :P

"DIRK: If it can happen, then it’s been written. And if it’s been written, you can read it right now. ROSE: I... don’t know if I want to see." ... PFffff, that's directed to us. No, Dirk, not planning on viewing that path just yet.

"I’m not going to describe what she sees. First of all, that would be spoiling it. Unless you already know, in which case, I guess what’s taking place here qualifies as something closer to dramatic irony. But if you really want to see it for yourself, stop what you’re doing, flip the whole thing over, and begin again. I’ll be right here when you get back, waiting. Trust me, no one’s going anywhere." ... In the Candy path the people are also going to be thinking about what could have been, aren't they? :P I do hope this isn't implying we should read the Candy path now. I mean, it's a bit awkward, navigating back, plus I would rather think Andrew'd bring the two paths together or add a REAL indication, before making it relevant to have read both.

"DIRK: So, what do you think? ROSE: It’s difficult to say. ROSE: I suppose there are negatives and positives. I can’t say if that option would be any better or worse than what we’re experiencing now. ROSE: Whichever way our fate unravels there’s too much of... something. ROSE: Too much blood, too much sugar." I think there might be a bit of a 'sugar overload' in the Candy path, in that it might seem there's too much fluff? Maybe inertia is taking hold of them over there, and people are slowly coming to regret not taking control of their lives. Even though, in a meta sense, only John could and did.

"ROSE: I almost can’t see through it. ROSE: It’s as if our extra-canon reality, our surroundings, our actions and their consequences... ROSE: They’ve all lost the ability to blend the ingredients responsibly. ROSE: Do you know what I mean?" It's like their fate has split like a cherub: a violent and a passive path, no inbetweens. But then, like a cherub, will one path 'devour' the other?

"It’s growing dark around her again. The apparition she’s been projecting behind her fades, and she starts to bleed light and shadow in all directions. Her physical eyes are open now, and shining bright. It’s a striking sight. She’s beautiful, actually—diaphanous and disheveled and filled with the limitless light of metaspiritual curiosity." She's literally starting to project light. Cool! And if she overcomes her current issues, it would definitely be a useful tool, and something to bond over with Kanaya.

"She’s my daughter in every sense of the word. My equal, my mirror.

It used to be odd to consider it. A technical fact I’d accepted as a genetic reality, but nothing that could ever quite penetrate down to the soul. But in this moment it doesn’t feel strange at all. It feels right, suddenly. And I know she must feel the same way. There’s no way she doesn’t. All she needs is a nudge in the right direction." Is that Dirk knowing, or projecting? Still weird how Homestuck made it so parents and progeny can interact as equals in age and demeanor alike.

"We’re family. We belong together. And after years of micromanaging the inconsistent and confused desires of total imbeciles, wouldn’t it be a relief to have someone by my side who understood me?" ... He really wants to co-narrate with her.

"ROSE: But what if the person you catch... ROSE: Isn’t me anymore? DIRK: Who gives a fuck. She’ll be better." I hope and suspect Rose will be a better omniscient narrator than Dirk. But I understand her concerns. If your influence is so total, it can become totalitarian.

"Would it not be to renounce humanity itself?

And yet, ironically, renouncing our humanity is exactly what we have arguably just done. Good riddance, I say.

Her body should be dead now. But I’m holding it together until I can implement the more permanent solution I have in mind." Has he done that to himself as well? Made a connection between his ethereal ascended form and his corporeal body? If so, he at least had the good sense to want to remain grounded. Still, Paradox Space, what the fuck? Having people die at 23 is only marginally better than 13.

"She regards me with an almost unbearably bright adoration. The kind that’s difficult to look at directly, but you can’t manage to look away either. It’s like the first time you see the Green Sun. Of course it is, because that’s the way I’m describing it. The truth belongs to me. And as of now, so does she." ... Eeeesh. I hoped he'd say, the truth belongs to Rose, too, but this. It's as if by ascending, she gave away a part of her agency to him??? He planned that, the bastard. Dirk, I really don't know what to make of you and your intentions.

"ROSE: I see it now. ROSE: You’re right. DIRK: Have I ever not been? ROSE: You...

A wrinkle in her brow. It smoothes out quickly. She murmurs to herself, trailing off quietly." Him, okay, I hope that means she can still cut loose in due time.

"ROSE: What... time is it...?

I step forward and steady her, hand firm but gentle against her cheek. That’s all she needs: a stable anchor. DIRK: Rose, does time even exist?" Dave (and Aradia, and Damara) would disagree.

---

Wow. I mean. Damn. Nice way of keeping us on the fence on Dirk's motivations. At least it should be a good thing he's no longer alone on that plane of existence. I'd rather have seen Rose immediately take control of the narration, but I can only hope it's due for the next page. It'd feel like reading her draft of CotL all over, her narrating in her longwinded fashion. :P

#homestuck #upd8 #reaction #spoiler alert #homestuck epilogues #homestuck liveblog #rose lalonde #dirk strider

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lorelylantana · 5 years

Text

Chapter 8: Eagles and Dragons

The weekend went by swiftly, a blur of dancing and practicing my magic. I was able to consistently create a sword and occasionally a halberd. Although, when I did make the halberd, it looked a little different than the one in the sparring hall. This halberd looked more like a long double axe. The axe on the outside was bigger than the one on the opposite side, and both the top and bottom ended in a spear point. Whenever I could form the halberd, I headed straight to the Sparring Hall so Snapdragon could teach me to wield it without killing myself on accident.

On my way to lunch one day I ran into Blackthorn in the hall.

“Hello Allie, I’m glad to see Kyrie is doing well,” he said, seeing her once again on my shoulder.

“Yeah, she was lucky.” I said, and was halfway down the hall when I heard him call out again.

“Allie, I really am sorry I couldn’t do anything about the note, but you must understand such letters are not uncommon. More often than not just fanciful roleplaying,” he said apologetically. “Besides,” he continued, “I doubt I would be mistaken in thinking that you and your friends might find a way to handle a real threat,” he winked, and continued down the hallway without another word.

When Monday came around we met back in the Map room. Once we were assembled, Robin lead us down a series of passages until we reached a vast chamber filled with chests, racks, and closets filled with weapons.

“Blades,” muttered Daedalus, “You could arm a whole battalion in this one room.”

“Daedalus,” I said, “That’s the point.”

“One might wonder if it is wise to arm teenagers.” Atalanta mused, looking about the room.

“It’s Spade philosophy.” Kennedia explained. “We believe that one of the ways to suppress violence is to conquer it. The logic is that if someone can fully comprehend and master force and the damage it causes, they will be less likely to use it.”

“There are also the practical applications,” Continued Robin, “People are generally less likely to attack someone if they know they are just going to fight back.”

We finished up in the armory and continued to the South wing to view the bunk room. It turned out to be a series of smaller chambers branching off of an even larger main area. We decided to use the main area as a makeshift sparring hall. We spent the rest of the hour moving weapons to the South Wing and putting tables along the walls where we would fill them with desserts and hot cocoa.

We spent the rest of the week making sure everyone knew about the Friday night meet and were pleased to find that the vast majority were looking forward to it. We also made great care the teachers didn’t know, because I severely doubt what we were doing was allowed. When Thursday night arrived, we were ecstatic as we were going over the final details for tomorrow night.

“You know,” Daedalus said through an eclair, “I feel like we should have a name for ourselves.” We looked up from our list of weapons to stare at him.

“What do you mean?” Atalanta inquired, and he shrugged.

“If we’re going to found an organization on that grand a scale we should adopt a name.It’s daunting, but I think we can do it if we use our skills correctly. We’ve got an encryptor and a navigator,” He gestured to Kennedia and Robin, but before he could continue, Robin interrupted him.

“I’m actually a healer too.” He said, and explained that his magic allowed him to see various wounds and ailments and if he directed some of his energy to it, he could heal them.

“That’s even better, so now we’ve got a directionally gifted healer, a brawler and a weapons expert,” He pointed to himself and Atalanta, “and Allie is our team leader. We even have a secret headquarters!”

“Hey wait a minute,” I interjected, “since when am I team-”

“So what do you suggest?” Kennedia asked, warming up to the idea, and Daedalus quieted for a moment, then said very seriously.

“Queen Allie and the Knights of the Round-”

“Very funny, and when did we decide I was leader? Shouldn’t we hold an election or something?” I asked, and everyone just looked at me for a second before continuing.

“How about the Order of Blades?” suggested Robin

“No, that’s too pretentious.” protested Atalanta.

“Yeah but it sounds cool.”

That’s how we spent the rest of the hour, bouncing ideas off of each other until we began to nod off. In the end we decided to call ourselves the Eagles after the name of the Observatory we gathered in.

The next night came in a flash and my Eagles and I had just finished setting the sweets on the table when the other students started to file in. At first it was a bit awkward and the students kept to their respective years, but soon enough when they began to eat and drink they started to open up. Within the hour, students from the Flock were singing and playing their music for Dancers while League members started to play the games that they brought with them.

After I danced a for a few songs I was introduced to a few games. Daedalus convinced me into being one of his pawns in the Spade version of chess. This version involved people taking the place of pieces on the board, which was a massive grid drawn on the floor. The king was the player that dictated where the others moved. When to players met on the board, they would have a sparring match in which the loser was captured and taken off the board. The main objective of the game is for the king to take into account the different strengths and weaknesses of the players below them.

Hilarity often ensued when players kept trying to influence the king’s thinking.

“Why did you move me here! I can’t do anything from here!”

“No don’t put me against her, I can’t fight her, now him I can beat, put me there!”

“I can’t believe you sacrificed me just so you could get the bishop!”

“What do you mean I’m expendable?”

Daedalus, as it turned out, was quite the king. He put me up against a Fledgling that didn’t really have a knack for hand to hand combat. He maneuvered Atalanta, his knight, and Robin, rook, to clear a path for me to the end of the board. Once I was a queen I was able to checkmate the enemy king by knocking her queen off his feet.

“You’re not bad, Hatchling. What’s your name?” He asked as I helped him up. He was a senior, or Dragon, named Zephyr.

“Allie Sage.”

“That’s right, you’re the one who started this whole thing right?” I nodded

“My friends and I did, yes.” He laughed.

“You did a good thing here, Allie. I wish I had thought of it. If you ever need anything I can help with, let me know.”

It was well past midnight when people finally started to sleep. When it was a few minutes before dawn I went with my friends to fetch more food for breakfast. We found that the pantry filled itself, and when we looked through some shelves, we found that there were more than sweets. We grabbed whatever breakfast food we could and went back to set everything on the tables before the other Spades woke up.

The night was a success by all means, everyone everywhere was saying how much they were looking forward to the next one, and many volunteered to help with the set up. As implausible as it might have seemed, we were gaining the trust of the other Spades while uniting them into one student body. I began to feel a sense of hope, we might be able to pull this off.

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#eagles rising #The Spade Chronicles #fiction #original novel #original content #fantasy

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bd60mma · 6 years

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The Pursuit of Nothingness

The last time I posted musings about my life and my personal insights on depression and anxiety was over a year ago. Few people saw it and even fewer read it, but one individual took the time to message me and tell me that it helped them with their own situation. For that, I am thankful that I was able to help someone else, and sharing part of my story was worth it.

I’m not really sure that any help or inspiration can come from this post, and unlike my last one I have no key takeaways I want to illustrate to people, but I feel like writing a follow up to it anyway, if nothing else as something for me to do while I’m currently bored. Perhaps someone will read this and feel better about their own life, or they’ll gain some additional insight into depression. Perhaps one day after I’m gone people will find this and look to analyze my life, trying to figure out what went wrong or who I really was. Or, more likely, it will fade into obscurity in the far reaches of the internet, as most blog posts tend to do. In any case, if you’re reading this it must mean something to you, no matter how little, so perhaps that’s purpose enough.

I’ll try not to get too bogged down in the details, but if you’ve read anything from me in the past you’ll know I’m a descriptive and detailed writer who isn’t great at summarizing, so continue reading at your own peril.

A lot has happened since that last post; I officially graduated university, I found my first full-time job, I somehow managed to find a girlfriend (for a while), I bought my first car, I made a close best friend...yet here I am, reminded of a thought now drilled into my mind through experience and constant disappointment:

It can and will always get worse.

There’s a common saying that’s meant more in an optimistic fashion that you’ve probably heard multiple times in your life - “It could always be worse”. It’s generally meant to inspire optimism by pointing out that no matter how bad you feel, be thankful that things aren’t worse. This can be extended to thinking about other people as well that have it worse off than you, something many parents will try and teach their children about. But in my experience, that phrase has turned out quite literal.

Let’s start somewhat chronologically from my last post - shortly after writing it, I officially graduated from the university I had been going to for roughly five years (since I came out of high school). I received a Bachelor’s of Computer Information Systems degree and became the first in my close family to graduate from university (my sister attended but didn’t finish her program). To most people, that would seem like a pretty big accomplishment, especially for someone who always hated school, as it meant I no longer had to step foot in a school ever again. Not for me, however.

I had always hated school, a sentiment that grew from my social anxiety and my general inability to make real friends or act like the person I really am (at least while I was growing up). I disliked the way the majority of classes were taught by teachers, with an emphasis on “grades” which inspired obedience rather than free thought and learning. University was slightly less hated by me than high school, if only because I didn’t have to deal with as many social problems and instead was left alone for the most part. Of course this had both good and bad connotations - other than a few classes which forced people into groups or shudder required presentations, I was able to simply attend class and leave without being forced into many social interactions; however, because of this I ended up making no friends and no real connections through five years of schooling. Of course when I did try and be more social I ended up failing and still didn’t get anywhere with people, but at least I didn’t really know anyone there and therefore didn’t have to worry much about what people thought about me.

When I graduated from high school, I didn’t go to prom, I didn’t attend the graduation ceremony, I didn’t even take graduation photos at the school. I just wanted out, as much as I may have wished I could participate in those things without being miserable and incredibly anxious throughout. In university, it was more indifference - I didn’t know anyone else who would be graduating that semester, I didn’t even know anyone at the school beyond awkward classroom small talk, so this time I didn’t have anyone bugging me to go to these events or asking me why I didn’t want to. Graduating itself really wasn’t a big deal to me, it was simply something I felt I had to do in order to find a decent job (as I’m far from a physical labourer and don’t have the connections to find a career suitable for me without schooling). If anything, I viewed graduating as more of a failure than a success.

I didn’t want to live anymore, I didn’t want to be there, and I didn’t want to have to continue going through life. In my mind I had hoped I’d be long gone by then, and I wouldn’t actually see myself graduating. Instead, here I was, finishing my schooling and moving on to the next step in life, moving past what were supposed to be some of the “best” years of my life. While it felt good to make my parents and family proud of me, to me graduating didn’t mean much and was just another thing I was sleepwalking my way through. I received good grades (I never received anything below a B) throughout yet in the end felt that I had barely learned anything, at least not that was applicable outside of school. Nevertheless, I received my degree in the mail (since I didn’t attend the ceremony) and that was that.

I took some time before I started looking for a full time job, and even took a couple of weeks off of my part-time job working as a web developer (I had been working there for about 4 years and it was entirely virtual, meaning I worked from my computer at home and (mostly) made my own hours), basically the only time I had bothered to take time off during my time there. Instead of partying or going out with friends or taking a trip somewhere, my celebrations consisted of me staying at home, mostly playing Xbox and watching movies. I also bought a 4K TV for myself with money my grandparents gave me for a graduation gift, so there was that too.

After my “celebrations” was the job hunt - first I needed to buy some dress clothes, since the only items in my wardrobe were t-shirts, hoodies, jeans, and shorts. Luckily my sister helped me pick out some nice pants and polo shirts, as I had no idea what I was looking for and shopping isn’t exactly my forte. Then I scoured online job sites and LinkedIn, hoping to find something that was local - finding something that didn’t require several years experience was difficult, and finding something that wasn’t in Vancouver (an hour’s drive if traffic wasn’t terrible) was even harder. Luckily, after over a month of nothing, I was contacted by a recruiter to fill a programmer position for a local company. I had my first interview at the recruiting company’s office, and felt like a dunce in my “fancy” clothes, but apparently did quite well in the interview, after which they had me fill out several questionnaires. I was then signed by the recruitment company, who basically promised that they would find a full-time position for me. The owner of the recruitment company actually asked me to wait while he finished up a call, then brought me into his office and said he thought I was perfect for a local position they had just been hired to fill, gave me pointers and set up an interview with the company.

It was all a bit nerve wracking and confusing but I went to the interview with two employees of the hiring company and the recruitment company owner who did a lot of the talking for me. The job was for a health-care application company whose office was about ten minutes away from home, and the people there seemed extremely laid back and casual (no dress code, people brought in their dogs, etc.) and I ended up being hired for a programming position. I was extremely nervous but also happy that I had found a job, and would start in two weeks after I had given notice to my old job.

Starting at the new job was quite scary for me, as I had never worked in an office (I was used to working virtually, and only ever had to deal with people online or occasionally by phone). The first day I had a severe panic attack in the middle of sitting with my new boss to go over setting up my development environment on my laptop, though luckily I was able to hide it well enough and I don’t think he noticed as he was basically looking at the screen the entire time. I had only had one severe panic attack before, but I’ve had more recently; they’re usually different depending on the person, but for me, I turn very pale, get extremely hot and sweat all over, feel sick to my stomach (though I don’t throw up), I get very dizzy and have difficulty focusing on anything, I feel extremely weak (just walking or even moving is taxing) and my chest hurts, as if I’m about to have a heart attack - a lot of people actually mistake their first panic attack for a heart attack. Unlike most, when I get one of these panic attacks I actually hope it is a heart attack, and try to hide it as best as I can not just to avoid being embarrassed, but also to avoid getting help as long as possible if it happened to actually be a heart attack.

Anyways, it was a bit overwhelming at first, but my boss knew that it was a lot of information to take in so helped whenever I had a question and was very understanding that it would take a while to get used to. The other employees (it’s a small office that we share with a graphics company, a total of around 10 people combined) all seemed friendly, and I liked the job along with the freedom of getting to work some hours at home, plus they provided an extremely powerful laptop to work on so I was happy with it.

As I was getting just used to the new job, my birthday came and went as I turned 23. I hadn’t much cared for my birthday in the last few years - it’s always nice to get gifts and have your family appreciate you, but to me it was just another year passing by, another year of being miserable and failing to accomplish or move toward what I really wanted in life.

And then something completely unexpected happened - I found someone.

I had been on Tinder along with several other dating apps for years and never actually met anyone (no surprise, most of the people on it are gross anyway) and had pretty much given up hope of matching with anyone who actually cared to talk. I had tried all sorts of different things to try and get to talk to people, but in the end it always came down to girls “ghosting” me if they ever matched or responded at all (depending on the app). The few times I did get a match on Tinder it was either a bot account (every few months there seemed to be a new wave of bots, and until you saw duplicates of the same bio they were easily mistaken for a real account) or it was an accidental swipe by them (I can only assume, as they would un-match virtually as soon as they matched). But one day I did match with someone, and in their bio they mentioned their love of videogames, something that I love too, so I tried a super cheesy videogame pick up line, and to my surprise, it worked.

She actually responded and conversed for more than a few replies, something that was super rare for me to experience on these apps. We had a lot in common and hit it off immediately, and being quite a text-y person (as you can probably tell by the fact I’m writing such a lengthy post on Tumblr) it was really cool to actually find someone who responded quickly and carried on a real conversation. In close to five years of using dating apps I had talked to just a handful of people that actually had a normal conversation for more than a few minutes, and none seemed overly interested in me and ghosted me before long. For about a week we constantly texted each other throughout the day - luckily, texting on the job was fine at my new work so long as I got work done.

Soon enough conversation moved to actually going out and meeting each other, which I honestly didn’t think would ever really happen - just the fact that she kept talking and seemed interested in meeting me was kind of surreal, given it hadn’t really happened before in many years of trying. She essentially asked me if I’d like to go on a date, and as nervous as that made me, there was no way I could turn down a chance like that.

Here I was, 23 years old, and about to go on my first ever date. Frankly it was the first time I’d ever even be meeting someone outside of a classroom/work or family setting, and certainly the first time meeting a girl one-on-one. To say that my social anxiety was through the roof is a bit of an understatement, but at the same time, I was also excited and for the first time in a long time I had something I had almost forgotten about - hope.

I broke the news first to my mom - I had always done my best to skirt around talks about girls with my family, as I always felt uncomfortable and it’s always embarrassing when you don’t even get to talk to the opposite sex yet get asked about dating and stuff like that. When I told my mom I’d be going out on the weekend and I told her it was for a date, I think she was as shocked as I was - happy, but shocked. I basically let her tell my dad to save me more discomfort - telling one of them was more than enough for me.

We decided to first meet at the theatre by her house (she lived in a town right by where I live, about a 15-minute drive from my place) and we’d talk first then watch a movie, and after we’d go for dinner. So, I put on some nice clothes (good thing I had gotten nice shirts for work recently!) and nervously made the trip. I made it to the theatre a bit early (if anxiety is good for one thing, it’s never allowing yourself be late) and being the middle of August during a bit of a heat wave, it was around 30 degrees. I was boiling, awkwardly waiting in the foyer of the theatre, sweatily clutching a pair of tickets to The Hitman’s Bodyguard, staring at my phone in my best attempt to look inconspicuous. Finally it was time and she texted me that she just pulled up, and a few moments later I saw her through the doorway.

I thought she was pretty in her pictures, but seeing her in person I found her even more beautiful. We nervously said “hey” and she immediately gave me a big hug. It was the first time I’d ever gotten a hug from a girl (not including family of course) and at first I was surprised, but then it just seemed like most of my nervous energy just melted away. We stood there hugging in the theatre lobby for what must have been thirty seconds, talking to each other about how nervous and hot we were. She was 19 and said she hadn’t been on a proper date before (although she did have 2 boyfriends in the past, so I didn’t really understand that) and had anxiety too, and hated the heat as I always have so we had that much in common. We took a seat at a table in the lobby and talked for a while; it was nice to actually talk to her in person, even if I was awkward and anxious.

After a while we got some drinks and popcorn to share and went in to watch the movie, and later on I asked if she wanted to hold my hand (I’m well aware of the fact that asking is weird but I was nervous so cut me some slack) which she thought was cute. That’s two things already off my bucket list - get a hug and hold hands with a beautiful girl. Later on she rested her head on my shoulder and all I could think was that this was the best movie ever. The movie itself was only decent, nothing special, but I would remember the experience forever.

After that, we went for sushi and had a great time talking, having gotten more comfortable with each other. Later on we went to a nearby Starbucks just to talk in the shade; it wasn’t until they closed at ten that I drove her home. She gave me the biggest hug ever before I left, and at the time it ended up being the best day of my life - it actually felt like someone out there liked me and liked spending time with me, and felt the same way about me as I felt about them. When I got home my mom asked a million questions (especially since I had been gone so long) and for once after doing something social I didn’t feel like it was a waste of time or that I had embarrassed myself.

We kept talking and went out several more times, becoming more comfortable and open with each other, as I would assume anyone does when going out with someone. I even got to experience my first kiss, which was scary as hell. But for the first time in as long as I could remember, I went to bed at night happy, looking forward to the next day; I woke up in the morning with energy, excited to text her and for the next opportunity to see her.

For the first time in my life, I felt like I actually _belonged _somewhere, that I finally found the place where I fit in the world, somewhere I could actually be comfortable and happy. Even when we went out for dinner in a crowded restaurant, it was like no one else was there - my anxiety was virtually non-existent, my depression was gone, it was a completely surreal feeling. I had always yearned to find someone to spend my time with, to share myself with, to be comfortable with, and I had _finally _found it. It was like life finally made sense to me, someone had finally given me a chance and it turned out I made for a great boyfriend.

I met her mom, and her two sisters; her mom seemed especially happy about her going out with me, as her prior two boyfriends had apparently been “losers” and verbally abusive toward her, so she was particularly happy about the fact that I had graduated from university and had a job and plans for the future. She met my parents as well, and I introduced her to watching fights by showing her clips and GIFs off of Twitter (she loved seeing knockouts) which she got into. We watched UFC 215 at my house with my parents; it wasn’t the best card but we still had fun, and then we went to see the movie IT in a VIP theatre, where the seats are extra comfy and paired in twos and the staff serves you food before the movie starts, which was really fun.

During this time, since I had started my new job I was using my dad’s car a lot (which he was fine with since he drives his work truck during the week) but now that I was seeing my girlfriend (still feels weird to type even now) on the weekends too I knew I’d have to get my own car to be able to do so whenever I wanted, and I had already been looking for a while. I had more than enough saved for a large down payment and I ended up buying a new 2017 Mitsubishi Lancer, with nice rims and a free 10-year extended warranty which I was quite happy with.

After a few weeks of going out we spent an entire day together, going out for lunch and hanging out before I took her to the drive-in theatre - about a half-hour from where I live there’s an old fashioned drive-in that shows multiple movies in a night and you get the audio through your car radio. I used to go with my parents and sister when I was a kid, or sometimes just my dad and I, and she had never been to a drive-in so we made it a date. We smuggled in tons of candy and chocolate from a dollar store and watched two movies together in my new car before going back to her place late at night. I had always dreamt of being able to sleep with someone (as in actually sleep next to them) and I was so happy to be able to. It was and still remains probably the best day of my life. Just getting to sleep next to someone that I cared for and loved spending time with, someone who I felt cared about me and liked spending time with me, was surreal.

I’ve always had trouble falling asleep, since I was a kid; it would usually take me hours to get to sleep, even if I was exhausted. I had been taking a supplement called ZMA that helped me sleep for the past couple of years, and would help me get to sleep within around 15 minutes. But now? I didn’t take anything and after a few minutes cuddling I was sleeping like a baby. By the time I woke up from her alarm the next day, I hadn’t even gotten a full 8 hours of sleep (which I normally need and am still tired after) and yet I think I got the best sleep of my life. Getting to cuddle in the morning with something other than a pillow was like a dream come true.

A few days later, after I had been over at her house watching TV and playing games with her, on the way home at night I had a random thought while driving; if I died tonight I could finally die happy.

It was a fleeting thought as I was driving down the road, something that popped into my head, a slight urge to plough my car into the median (something I often thought but for opposite reasons). I hadn’t thought about suicide since I met her; it was like I was a different person, devoid of my normal depression and anxiety. It was if I was suddenly just normal.

I used to always think of killing myself as a way to end my misery, to no longer have to suffer; and here I was, happy as could be, and the opposite thought occurred, if only for a moment. I could finally die happy.

It was a passing thought - there was no way I was going to die now that I’d finally found someone, and everything was going perfectly - for once in my life, I was happy. But that thought would come back to haunt me later, not as something that negatively impacted me, but of something I regretted not acting on.

We hadn’t been together for a full month at this point. She had just gotten a tattoo on her calf (she had a couple of tattoos already) and the day after she said she wasn’t feeling great, partly due to her leg being sore. We had planned to hang out at her place that night and that didn’t change, so I went over hoping to cheer her up and make her feel better; I brought her a drink that she liked, gave her a massage while she played her favourite game. I knew something was wrong and it started feeling like she didn’t want me there, but she said she wasn’t feeling good so I figured that was it and maybe she just wanted space. She still kissed me goodbye and gave me a big hug, and texted me the next morning like usual. She had to drive her mom to pick up her truck from repairs and then do some running around in the afternoon so we didn’t talk much that day, but I already knew that she was busy so didn’t think anything of it.

It was a Friday and I had a long and frustrating day at work, but left a bit early to drive to my car dealership (about half an hour away) to install an interior lighting kit that I had gotten thrown in with the deal but it wasn’t in stock when I had bought the car. So there I was and while I was waiting in the lobby, I drafted a letter to her on my phone. I had wanted to tell her how much she meant to me and how much I cared about her; I already did say things like that but since she wasn’t feeling good I figured it would let her know how much I cared and that I’d always be there to help or to try and make things better. By the time the lights were installed (which didn’t work the way I assumed and were kind of a waste), it was about five o’clock and thus rush-hour on the freeway, which I got stuck in. It took about an hour and a half to get home and I just wanted to relax and talk to my girlfriend after a long day.

And then I got home and saw a few long texts from her. She essentially stated she wanted to just be friends and wanted to take time to focus on herself, as she had been in relationships for the last few years without taking a break. She pretty much gave the tired old “it’s not you, it’s me” speech and broke up with me. Via text.

I didn’t even know what to think. Not only did it feel like I was being blindsided, as everything was going so well, but she didn’t even say this to my face or at least through a phone call. I texted back trying to make sense of it all, and wound up just talking in circles with her. One of her reasons was literally that she felt I was “touching” her too much, like with cuddling and holding her hand; despite the fact that she initiated that as well and regularly commented about how she liked that about me, and now all of a sudden she didn’t like it and that was reason to dump me without talking about it. And this came just a couple of days after she had texted me and started talking about sex, wondering why I hadn’t and I quote “tried anything” on her - as if she knew nothing about me and who I am. She had essentially wanted more “touching” and now holding her hand was a big issue?

It didn’t make any sense to me, nor did her answers when I pressed her as to why. I was devastated. I had a full on breakdown. Most people have a really tough time with their first breakup, even if they didn’t go out with the person for long - for me, not only was I upset at being dumped, it felt as if my one chance had been taken away from me, and I had no idea why.

I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t eat. But I texted my now ex to ask if she would at least talk to me in person to hopefully set things straight, which just turned into another fight as she didn’t seem to understand why I was upset at all. But she agreed and so I drove over, thinking of all the things I was going to say. By the time she came out and sat in the car to talk, my mind went blank. I had managed to wipe my tears and stop crying before she came out, but now that I was sitting there with her, I felt like I didn’t even know her. She gave the same lame excuses along with “I don’t know”s and I just shook my head in annoyance and disbelief before I said goodbye and she went back inside.

She had said she wanted to still be friends but I knew that being friends when I felt something more for her would just be torturing myself for no good reason...but at the same time I had never felt a connection like that with anyone, and I felt like we were so good together I just didn’t understand how it could be over, without me doing anything wrong (she even said herself that I didn’t do anything wrong). Even my parents, who I normally avoided talking about these kinds of things with (especially since being in a relationship was foreign to me, and prior to that when talking about girls I hadn’t even really talked to any, so it was just awkward and uncomfortable) both told me they were there for me and it just seemed like she didn’t want to be with me for whatever reason, and trying to be friends with her would just be making it harder for me.

Deep down I knew they were right; I knew that if she actually wanted to be with me at all, she would still be with me without issue, and if she truly cared she would have communicated properly and wouldn’t have broken up with me by text. But in my misery (luckily my new job was very relaxed and I could work from home, and at the time I was doing testing, very repetitive and simple work, so I said I was sick and worked from home that week, and barely actually worked but did enough that nobody knew) I pushed reality away and instead convinced myself that if we were just friends for a while she would come to her senses and see value in me.

And so we went for coffee and talked, and agreed to just be friends and that’s it for now; it at least made me feel a bit better, to the extent that I could actually eat something and have enough energy to get out of bed for once in nearly a week. And then the cycle began again - we continued to talk almost like we had before, and we continued to hang out - basically the only difference was now I didn’t get to hold her hand or cuddle or kiss her goodbye, but it still felt like there was definitely something more there, and I know I wasn’t just being crazy - I’m used to people not liking me, to people not being interested in me, and that simply wasn’t the case; she gave very clear signals that she liked me, that I know, not just on my own feeling but even by describing things objectively to other people that actually know about this stuff.

And so stupidly I continued seeing her, and things were pretty much the same; I’d always bring her one of her favourite drinks, I’d surprise her on her breaks at work (which was like a 20-minute drive for me each way just to see her for a maximum of half an hour, but I didn’t care), we went for dinner (and of course I paid for everything, because I’ve always wanted to be able to take someone out and do things with someone), we even went to a big mall near Vancouver (about an hour away) to walk around and go to different little stores there, which I’d normally hate but I enjoyed because it was with her, and I even bought her a couple little things she liked.

Her birthday was coming up, less than a month after we had broken up; I had already gotten her several little things, including hand-made pins I had found online from her favourite game Bioshock (she loved things like that) that I had mailed to her along with a nice letter since she had mentioned how much she liked getting things in the mail - I had sent her half of the pins I bought, and planned to give her the rest for her birthday. I had planned to take her to “Fright Night” at Playland (an amusement park in Vancouver, Playland had a special Halloween themed event every October where all month long each night you could go to the park, where they had Halloween decorations and haunted houses etc. set up) - she loved amusement parks and Halloween, and hadn’t been to Fright Nights (nor had I) so I figured it was a great plan. I had already told her (prior to breaking up) that I wanted to take her to it, since tickets were for a certain day it had to be planned to fit our schedules; but since I had gotten her other things (including a cool Monopoly collector’s edition of another of her favourite games, Fallout, and several other things that she loved) and given that we were no longer dating, I figured it might not be a good idea, not to mention it was also expensive.

So I told her maybe it wasn’t the best idea to go out for Fright Night together, but I said I still had gifts for her. She didn’t seem to understand why I said it wasn’t a good idea idea and no longer wanted to (because apparently breaking up with someone shouldn’t change anything?), but said that was fine. I visited her on her birthday and gave her her gifts, which she seemed to genuinely love, and said that it was so nice because people had never really given her gifts - even her family didn’t do much for birthdays and didn’t celebrate much for Christmas either, so she seemed to genuinely appreciate someone who cared and gave her thoughtful gifts. We went out for ice cream at Dairy Queen, and that was when I decided that maybe Fright Night would still be fun to go to, and asked if she’d still like to go and we could find a time that worked, as it was still on for another week or two. Instead, she was going to see her dad the one morning so the night I suggested wouldn’t work; multiple others would have but she said not to bother and essentially got mad at me because I had suggested it and insinuated it was my fault for not wanting to go.

I had just showered her with gifts, taken her out for ice cream, and was seemingly the only person in her life that had cared to give her anything for her birthday that year and yet when I offered something additional she was angry at me for changing my mind on something, and seemed bitter that she wouldn’t get to go (even though I was literally offering to take her). Again confused, we simply moved on and talked about other things.

Less than a week after her birthday, she came out to my house (which was weird as she didn’t enjoy driving for anything longer than a few minutes, and hadn’t driven to my place before, it was always me going to hers or taking her to my house) and we went out for a nice dinner. We had a great time and then at home I introduced her to the new Doom; she liked metal music and Doom has that kind of soundtrack, plus is insanely violent and fun and she liked that sort of game so I figured it would be fun to play, and sure enough she loved it. We had fun playing but at one point when talking about games she outright called me a dork, and not in a usual playful manner; I quipped “you’re a dork too, I thought you said dorkiness was cute” and she simply replied that “yeah well that was before”. I didn’t even reply, I was just confused as to how something that before someone liked, was all of a sudden a bad thing and used as an insult; she legitimately was insulting me. I didn’t understand but just ignored it and continued enjoying what was a nice night. That ended up being the last time I ever saw her.

By Halloween, we were still talking regularly throughout the day via text, but she seemed not as interested in talking; nevertheless we still texted, and I mentioned since we were both at home not doing anything, maybe we could hang out and watch a scary movie or something for Halloween. She started talking about how she wanted to go out and go to a bar or something (which was weird, she had never really enjoyed that sort of thing from what she had said in the past, and like me didn’t exactly have many friends to do that with, nor did she drink much and of course I never have) and seemed annoyed that I wasn’t interested, so we didn’t meet up. Then over the next few days, I had texted her a few times and she read my texts but never responded - that was really odd, as she always responded when she got my messages, as did I to hers. When I asked if everything was alright she essentially told me to stop messaging her and said she wanted a break from talking to me. I asked how I was supposed to magically know that if she didn’t at least tell me and she basically said well I’m telling you now so f- off.

So I did, and we didn’t talk for several more days. I sent her one message after almost a week had gone by and asked if everything was going okay, and got no response. I had a bad feeling, and just from my gut instinct decided to look on Tinder - I still had my account and even had it on my phone, though I was hidden and she was my only match, but I kept it because I wanted to keep our old messages (I had even showed her that before, so not like I was secretly using Tinder or something while going out with her). I looked on her profile and sure enough, it had been updated since we had gone out, with one picture being taken just days ago on her profile (I knew that because it was from a concert she went to with her mom on her birthday). And that was what finally broke my self-imposed illusion that this girl actually gave a shit about me at all.

Deep down I knew her excuses for breaking up were bullshit, and that if she wanted to be with me, she would be. She had told me about her prior two relationships, one which had lasted about six months and one about 4 years throughout school; both apparently would treat her like shit, but she always stayed, and her own mother said she was always attracted to the “bad boys” who were losers and not worth being around, which was why her mom was so happy when she had met me. But apparently that was her type; after all, here I was treating her like a princess, being nothing but good to her and yet I wasn’t worthy of a chance or even being told the truth. I confronted her and was angry, leaving several messages, and even still she had the nerve to lie, saying she was just looking for friends (in her own words from talking before, nobody on Tinder is there for friends, only either a relationship or hookups and girls that say otherwise are lying) and then said it was suspicious that I was even looking at Tinder, as if it was me who was untrustworthy.

We got into a big fight and finally I knew that anything with her was done; I wasn’t going to be lied to anymore and I wasn’t going to let someone use me and treat me like an asshole anymore. It went back to the break up and she said she didn’t give me a chance because she felt I wasn’t worth it. She said I put too much effort in (I had never heard of that, normally it’s not putting in enough effort, and too much effort seems like a very simple thing to address with _communication) _and would text her too much which she found clingy - again, something she never had said before or told me about, and she _always _replied and started conversations just as much as I did - it takes two to talk after all. I was very clear from the beginning that I found communication to be important, and made it clear that because of my social anxiety (something she supposedly understood as she also had anxiety) I had trouble sometimes reading social ques so if she wanted me to do something or didn’t like something, all she had to do was mention it and it wouldn’t be a big issue. From the get go I was very reasonable and responsive; if she told me she didn’t like something she never had to tell me again, quite literally, yet she was blaming me for things that if they were actually a problem, simply telling me would have fixed it, but instead she said nothing then resented me for it.

Despite calling me all manners of things, to which I said she was sociopathic, because of the amount of vitriol she had towards someone who in her own words did nothing wrong towards her and how she refused to take any responsibility whatsoever for anything she did, as if it was my fault I couldn’t read her mind. Full disclosure - I called her a bitch when I saw her profile on Tinder. I even had the stupidity to apologize for that (not like she apologized for calling me way worse things). Then she had the nerve to call me verbally abusive - I wasn’t the one telling her to go to hell, or calling her all manner of names in every single message, but somehow I was the verbally abusive one. I told her that she legitimately needs help and hope she tries to get it and said goodbye, to which she said she hopes my mental illness (she knew I was depressed and had social anxiety, I had even let her read my last post about it, and ironically she also had depression and anxiety problems) eats me alive and that I’ll die alone because I’d never find anyone else.

I couldn’t believe I had been so wrong about someone. I felt like an absolute moron for believing so strongly in someone who ended up being everything I thought she wasn’t, everything she said she wasn’t. I couldn’t believe someone I would have done anything for could resent me so much, and all this despite me having truly not done anything wrong toward her, even in her own words. All I had ever wanted was a chance, and when I finally (thought) I had one, I never really did in the first place.

I am not perfect, and I am not going to say I was, but I was a great boyfriend and person to her. Normally I can look back at situations and find a million things I’ve done wrong or want to do better, but this time, I really couldn’t. Maybe I shared too much at times, maybe I did talk a bit too much, maybe I was trying a bit too hard, but I know that I treated her right, I know that I did everything I could, I know that I was more than generous and caring toward her, and I didn’t deserve to be treated how I was. I went above and beyond, and looking back, she really didn’t reciprocate - I didn’t ask or expect for all that much, but she never went out of her way for me once while I bent over backwards for her and was always there to help with whatever she needed at the drop of a hat.

Funnily enough, I had posted something on Instagram about what I was going through - I didn’t go into specifics, I didn’t tag her or have her name anywhere, and I never really used Instagram but we talked through the app often, and I had something like 10 followers - the only people I know on it in real life are my mom and sister. She had already deleted me on it, and there was nothing derogatory, nor anything that wasn’t true or simply how I felt, yet she texted me telling me to remove it. She seemed more upset that I would post something about the situation than about anything that happened or anything she did, which let me know just how vain she was - especially since she was never mentioned by name or anything specific, and literally no one she knew could even see it (the only people I knew on there that could were my mom and sister, who already knew what happened anyway).

Ironically if I had wanted to post a picture of us or her I couldn’t have anyway - we never took one. Although I’ve always hated pictures of myself, it upset me after we broke up that after about a month of dating I didn’t have a single picture of her or us together. In fact the only thing I had from over two months of knowing her (dating then attempting to be friends) was a little keychain she had made for me that said “MMA” in a circular disc with some splotches of colour behind it. She liked making little trinkets and keychains from plaster and resin molds, and a few weeks into going out she gave me one. Although I liked it at the time and thought it was sweet, looking back, I had showered her with gifts and spent way more money on her than I should have, and all she had ever given me was a little keychain which she made tons of and was making a batch for herself anyway. I threw it out; I’d rather now have nothing to remember her by.

About a month after I stopped talking to her, I made the mistake of looking at her Instagram (who can honestly say they’ve never done something similar?) and was surprised to already see a picture of some other guy on her Instagram, along with lewd comments back and forth with this person on the picture. She must have really gone out of her way to hide her true self when around me, and at least I can take some solace in the fact that things never went any further than a kiss with her. It wasn’t long after I saw her profile pop back up on Tinder, so who knows how many guys she’s gone through since - can’t say I care about her at all anymore, and maybe she’s found her true calling as a slut, who knows.

Anyway, back to my story.

And so just like that my life was back to normal. No one to really talk to, nowhere I felt I belonged, my hopes dashed and my illusions of finding someone who truly cared about me shattered. Another week I stayed home from work, barely achieving anything, barely eating, sleeping most of the night and day, not bothering to leave the house. Normally I was a master of hiding my misery, but now my parents were genuinely concerned about me, something I hated. Just like that I was back to where I was before I had met her, now even worse, more miserable than ever.

I don’t have many major regrets in life - I have many little ones, things I should have done or shouldn’t have as a kid, minor mistakes I’ve made, and I felt now that meeting her was a mistake. I can’t say that I _regret _my actions, at least not of meeting and going out with her, because there was no way I could have known it would turn out this way or she would be something completely different than what she presented herself as. I thought I had a chance and opportunity to find what I’ve always wanted, and I can’t fault myself for going after that. I regret not sticking to my initial instincts and logic and not cutting off contact with her after she broke up with me, but I also understand why it was so impossible for me to do, because I couldn’t just accept defeat and not try my hardest to keep what I felt was special.

My biggest regret though was not listening to the voice in my head, that one night driving home from her house. That voice that told me I could finally die happy, right here and now. Somehow, my subconscious seemed to know things weren’t going to last, and for a fleeting moment which was effectively suppressed, it told me that my chance was right then. I could have simply died that night, and would never know depression again. I could have died happy; even if it was bullshit, my happiness was real, and it could have been the last thing I felt, never having to wake myself up to the nightmare that is the rest of my life. That is a regret I will likely have for the rest of my life, as (hopefully) short or as long as it may be.

Oddly enough, I had managed to find a friend from all of this; someone who I had previously talked to months before, that seemed nice and caring and to be genuinely a good person. We had effectively “friend-zoned” each other (even though we hadn’t met, we had just talked through a dating app) already, mainly because I’ve never been a big fan of kids and her whole life revolved around them, but that didn’t mean we couldn’t be friends. Unfortunately through a series of oddities (mostly revolving around texts not going through on her old phone, which she later even showed me) we hadn’t talked in a long time and I thought she had ghosted me. One day I had asked her opinion and thoughts on my situation shortly after breaking up with my girlfriend, as she was the only other girl I knew and I wasn’t overly comfortable talking with my parents about it, and I thought she could help me understand things - unfortunately, you can only understand so much about an illogical person.

But through all this we had become friends, and started talking more. She started to help me after I was no longer talking to my ex, and soon we were talking every day. We became best friends, and she still is my best friend to this day; we talk all the time about our lives and help each other get through things, and occasionally meet up to talk in person over coffee (well she has coffee, I have nothing or drink water because I’m weird and hate coffee). So at least I had one good thing going for me in the last year.

After a while, I summoned the courage (mostly at the behest of my best friend) to get back on all the dating apps. It was more of the same of course, but shortly before Christmas, one girl responded to me and quickly seemed interested in meeting me. We hadn’t actually talked much but she said she preferred talking face-to-face rather than through text, which was kind of weird for me (especially since everyone texts nowadays) but I figured I couldn’t say no when someone was actually interested in meeting me. So I decided to take the chance, even though I didn’t know a whole lot about her - I did know she was at least a real person, as she sent me a picture on Snapchat to prove it (I’m sure as hell not getting cat-fished by anyone).

So I went on a date with this girl, and it went awry pretty much immediately. Despite looking gorgeous in her pictures, and even in the Snapchat one she sent me, she looked quite a bit less appealing in person - it was clearly the same person, but somehow at the same time looked incredibly different. It’s hard to describe properly, but it was as if she had a much better looking sister who was in the pictures, to put it lightly. I still don’t know how she did it, because as far as I know other than Snapchat filters you can’t edit a timed picture through Snapchat, but it was quite off-putting to see someone who didn’t look like their pictures, even if it was seemingly the right person.

Nevertheless, we had dinner together and I felt like I did a pretty good job trying to converse, but it was incredibly awkward. You know the first few minutes of meeting someone, where everything is kind of awkward and you don’t know what to say? It was like that the entire time, because I was asking questions and trying to get her to talk, but she wasn’t being very talkative...something that is incredibly odd given it’s normally me who is more awkward and not very good at speaking to people. We also didn’t have really anything in common, and by the way she talked it would appear she was an alcoholic, which was kind of awkward considering that I have never and will never drink (something she couldn’t seem to get over and kept mentioning). It was not enjoyable but I still did my best and was a gentleman, I paid for dinner and after she seemed to want to do something so we decided to walk around the little mall that was right across from where we had dinner. I didn’t want to but I didn’t want to seem rude and tried to make the best of it, but on the way it just became clear we really didn’t have much in common. By the time we circled back I was counting the seconds to when I’d get to drive home, she gave me a hug and said we should go out again some time...I politely said “Sure” while in the back of my head I screamed “NO” and wondered if she was being serious. I called my best friend and described the date to her (she found it hysterical, though she kept saying sorry I also found it quite funny just how awkward and poorly it went) and helped me with what I’d text to the girl to politely let her down - I didn’t really know how someone could think that went well, but maybe I was more charming than I would have thought possible given the awkwardness of the date.

She had texted me thanking me for the date and said she had a great time (again I found it odd as to how she could have enjoyed what I found to be thoroughly uncomfortable and awkward the entire time) and I kindly sent her a nice message which essentially boiled down to the fact I didn’t feel we had much in common but had a nice time and wished her luck.

And that was the last girl I talked to for a while, back to the depths of being ignored on stupid dating apps. Or so I thought - at my job, I worked with only a few other people, one of which is a woman (she isn’t a programmer, basically she’s a project manager). On a new project, I had started working on some website development that needed to be done quickly, and since I had lots of experience from my prior job with web development, they had me take over for the few weeks of work that were needed rather than outsourcing it. This other employee was now working more with me, and I found her to be nice, though a bit weird; she, along with my boss, were the ones that hired me for the company, and prior to this I hadn’t really talked to her besides saying hey in the morning or saying bye when leaving the office, and for a few little things like setting up my employee benefits and such. She is older than me, being in her early thirties, has two kids and is married, and seemed nice enough though.

For the project she would text me through Google Hangouts (that’s how we tend to communicate for this job, and you can get it on your phone or in a browser), and she is someone who works late - she would always come in much later in the mornings, but would stay up late working instead - so I didn’t think much of it when she’d text me later in the evening about work, as that’s when she normally worked. She started asking more about me, and I assumed it was because I was still the “new guy”, and everyone else in the office seemed to know quite a bit about each other so I assumed that was her way of getting to know me. It wasn’t long before she was starting to text me later in the evening and no longer about work, asking me my favourite music and what games I like, etcetera. It started feeling odd to me, and talking with my best friend she joked (at least I thought she was joking) that it meant she liked me. I didn’t think that could be the case, as girls liking me has never really been a thing as you can probably tell, and this one was married with kids, so I figured she was just being friendly and was a little weird.

Well, then it got really weird. She is really into music and several of the musicians/bands she was talking about I had never heard of, so now she was sending me Youtube videos of the songs. I listened to a few seconds of each but didn’t like them, and just found it annoying but she’s essentially my boss so I couldn’t exactly say to stop messaging me, and that’s when things turned weirder. She said that she likes to talk through music and that she was sending me a message through the songs...I didn’t get it, from looking at the titles of them and I didn’t want to sit through the entire songs so I said I didn’t understand, then she said she’d make it more obvious for me...and sent me a song that even I could figure out the message of - it was a song pretty explicitly about sex, and then I realized my friend was right and now I was more uncomfortable than you could imagine. I immediately texted back, cautiously, asking “Uhm I thought you are married?” to which she basically explained her husband is an alcoholic and she’s staying because of the kids, but likes me and I’m “her type” (which is kind of odd, considering she smokes, drinks, seems to be a party person, etc.)...meanwhile I was frantically texting my bestie to ask what in the fuck to say.

I then went to the fact that I’ve never wanted kids and politely stated that I wouldn’t want to be involved with someone who is married and has kids, and wouldn’t be ready to deal with that either, even stating I’ve only had the one girlfriend and it was only for a month, so I’d never be ready to be involved with that kind of thing. Not taking the hint, she then said it didn’t have to be complicated and basically stated it would just be for sex, to which I had to basically explain my views on sex and why I wouldn’t be okay with that, to someone who is essentially my boss. Being that I work with her, I couldn’t exactly say that I find what she’s saying disgusting and morally despicable, so that was my best option. She basically said she found that sweet and that it was okay, and said not to worry she wouldn’t be awkward or anything and that it was fine just to be friends, so at least that part was over...or so I thought.

To put it bluntly, while she isn’t unattractive, I find her to be quite gross; she’s married and willing to cheat on her spouse (regardless of excuses or circumstances, if those are even true), wants to hook up with someone she doesn’t even know that well, doesn’t seem to like her kids all that much, and on top of all that smokes cigarettes, which I find pretty gross. And of course, the whole “I won’t be awkward” thing was a lie. She was very awkward from then on, calling me into her office for help even when it was for things that before she would have just texted me for and take only a few seconds to help with. She was coming over to my desk and getting super close to me; when a coworker had a few of us over at his desk to show us something she kept brushing up against me; one time when going into her office I literally saw her pull down her shirt to expose her cleavage right before I came in; and another time she seemingly dropped a pen (why she had a pen on her to come see something on my computer, without paper in sight, I have no idea) by my desk that looked pretty clearly to be on purpose then literally turned away from me and bent over right in front of me, as if that was totally appropriate. I finally had to tell her that I was uncomfortable with her when she was starting to talk about personal things again on Hangouts, and kindly asked that we keep it strictly professional. This was during/just after New Year’s at this point, and she stopped texting me about personal things, but was still being awkward and suggestive toward me at work. I was so uncomfortable at work when she was there (luckily she would work from home quite a bit so that wasn’t every day) that I was considering quitting outright, despite loving everything else about the job.

My boss and this coworker had been friends for years from work, and she had been with the company for a long time, meanwhile I was someone who hadn’t even been there six months, so if I told someone about it, it would be awkward and uncomfortable as hell for me and probably cause tension in the office. Even though I took screenshots for proof of what she had been sending me just in case, if she said she stopped and it was just the awkwardness around me there’s not a whole lot they could do without seeing it themselves and it would just be hearsay (and given her seniority, if they were going to get rid of someone because of it, it would be me). So here I felt trapped, and she was making the job that I liked dreadful for me. Luckily, I just kept ignoring her and she finally seemed to take the hint, and at that point I was legitimately starting to look for other jobs online. She stopped and the project we had been working on was finally complete (perfect timing) so I was back to working with my boss directly, rather than on a project she was working on, so the problem slowly faded away.

The cruel irony was not lost on me however; here I was, trying as best I could to find someone that liked me for who I am and that enjoyed my company, trying everything I could to find someone willing to give me a chance, and here is a woman that is genuinely interested in me, yet for things I wouldn’t do and who is someone I find morally disgusting. At least I could say a girl honestly liked me I suppose?

A few months later I started talking to someone else online, and we hit it off. She was very text-y like me and we talked all day, had things in common, and was pretty inexperienced like me but was someone who (seemed) to have good morals and be a reasonable and funny person. We even talked on the phone multiple times (I’ve never been good at or enjoyed talking on the phone and am almost as awkward on the phone as I am in person, even though it doesn’t make me nearly as anxious) and I not only enjoyed talking to her but didn’t seem to be overly awkward on the phone either with her, which was a minor miracle in itself.

I asked her out on a date and she accepted - we made plans to go for lunch and then go to a local amusement park by my house (not one with rides or anything, but they have mini-golf, arcade games, batting cages, go carts, etc.). I was going to pick her up first (she lived about 20 minutes away from me) as she liked going for drives, so we could talk and get used to each other before doing anything - then as things got closer, all the plans started to change. First, she said she wanted to see her friend (who lived near me) after our date, so she’d meet me for lunch instead of me picking her up, which I was fine with. We picked a restaurant that she liked, and that was the plan. Then the day before when we were talking about what time we’d meet, she then started saying how she wanted to go to her little cousin’s (I think it was a cousin, can’t quite remember now) hockey game before coming out, and it wouldn’t be over until the afternoon, and with her meeting her friend after, she wouldn’t have lots of time, so she just wanted to do lunch and nothing after. Although it was making me much more anxious (I’m already nervous enough meeting someone, but when plans aren’t set and I don’t know what exactly is happening it makes things much worse) I was accommodating and said that was okay.

Then the morning of, still not knowing exactly when she’d be coming, I got ready and texted her trying to figure it out, when she basically said she didn’t want to go for lunch when first meeting me (I don’t know why she couldn’t have said so earlier or right away) and even after me trying to explain it wasn’t a big deal, she basically said she’d rather not come out anymore at all. At this point I was getting very frustrated and anxious and didn’t understand, and asked why she’d agree to go on a date if she clearly didn’t want to go, and she basically said she did she’d rather just meet up and talk and not do anything else. I again said that was fine, and she could just let me know where and when to meet me. Then she said she wanted to come pick me up and just drive around or stop at a coffee shop - I didn’t really like this idea, I’m used to being the driver and it felt weird being picked up by a girl on a first “date” but she insisted so I said fine. Eventually she said she was on her way and picked me up, and we ended up going to the amusement park and just sitting outside to talk. It felt awkward but as we started talking more it wasn’t so bad. Of course she had to run so we didn’t talk for very long, and I was back home within an hour. It wasn’t a date, it was just like a quick meeting she seemed like she had been dragged to, and purposely sandwiched between other things that were hastily planned so that she had good reason to escape quickly.

We kept messaging and it didn’t take long for her to say she wanted to be friends but nothing more, as she didn’t “feel” it. At this point I was quite annoyed - she had been flirting with me and seemed extremely interested, accepted a date then basically butchered it and had suddenly lost interest. I called her out on it, saying that she had clearly already decided before even meeting me and I was tired of the same old bullshit from people, making excuses instead of just being honest. She admitted that she got anxious and that was why she kept changing the plans, yet I had already told her about my anxiety and she had explained she had some problems with anxiety as well, and instead of just being honest she made things way worse. She apologized for that and then went into the “it’s not you, it’s me” excuse of saying that her ex-boyfriend moved back into town recently and she still thinks she has feelings for him, and that’s why - despite the fact she had said they had dated and she ended up dumping him because she didn’t have feelings for him and that he ended up being pushy, and this was a few years prior. I was fed up and told her exactly how I felt - that she was making more excuses and changing her story instead of being honest, and she was fucking with me in a vain attempt of being nice rather than being truthful, and said I didn’t want to talk to her any more.

She of course said she was being honest and said I was being immature and she was sorry about changing the plans and all but that I should understand because I have anxiety too. So then, going a little too far, I sent her the link to my previous Tumblr post and said she had no idea what I know or how I felt...the one detailing my anxiety and depression...and said goodbye.

A few minutes later she kept calling me (I ignored them and said I don’t like talking on the phone so stop it, which was true and she knew that) and then she said she was crying and didn’t know and felt so bad. I had just meant to show that to say I didn’t understand anxiety and was being immature was silly, I hadn’t meant to upset her or anything like that, though I can understand how it would upset someone to read something like my post. We talked a bit and she said she really wanted to be friends and I said I’d need time to think about it which she respected, but I knew with how I felt it was just going to end up biting me in the ass.

I talked it over with my best friend and she said I should give it a chance to be friends with her as she could clearly tell I really liked talking to her and it made me happy, but I knew it would just end up with me being hurt as she wouldn’t have feelings for me. After a few days however, and not talking to her during this time, I of course just had to change my mind and try. I told her that I would be her friend and keep talking to her, but I might not really be able to actually see her or hang out, which she accepted and understood.

And so it started again, and it didn’t take long for her to start getting flirty and suggesting she had feelings for me (and it wasn’t just me thinking that, I showed my best friend some of the texts and she thought it was pretty clear too). A week or two later she even came by my house before going to her friend’s (she basically called me a while before and asked if I’d want to hang out, which was kind of out of nowhere but I said yes anyway) and she came in and we played Rocket League together. We had a lot of fun even though she didn’t stay very long, and she gave me a hug when she left. She was clearly giving out mixed signals with the way she was talking to me, and I asked her about it later that night and she said she still just wanted to be friends. I told her that if that’s the case she has to stop with the mixed signals, it wasn’t fair at all and if she didn’t stop I couldn’t talk to her anymore. She seemed to understand, apologized and promised she wouldn’t do it anymore.

It didn’t take long for that to change again, and a few days later she basically invited me to watch a movie with her at her place. By then I had already gotten my hopes up again, because how could I not? She was clearly interested in me, or at least blatantly conveying that, and we talked all day and enjoyed having our conversations.

And then it fell apart again. I asked her about it and she said she just wanted to be friends, nothing more. I confronted her about how she could say that when she’s been flirting with me and clearly suggesting something more and keeps doing it even after promising not to, and she even acknowledged doing that and apologized. I told her I couldn’t do this anymore, she clearly didn’t understand how hard it is for me with these kinds of things, to which she started pleading with me to still be friends, saying how she loved talking to me and how important I was to her - which again made no sense to me, because if I was this important, and she clearly had feelings for me, why was I not good enough for anything more?

She eventually admitted that she was talking to someone else too and though she has feelings for me, she liked this other guy more. She even stated that I was “perfect for her” but somehow that wasn’t good enough. I had even said how I feel about people who go out with multiple people at once or string people along while talking to someone else, which she had agreed with, and yet here she was doing it. I told her that I didn’t deserve to just be some second choice and that I was done talking to her. She kept apologizing and pleading with me (again confusing as to how I was so important to her if I was just the backup option) and eventually I gave her a choice - either she goes on a real date with me and gives me an actual chance, or I’m done talking to her - those were the two options. She said “fine” and that she’d go on a date, and I clarified that meant she had to stop talking to whoever it was she was talking to, and then that date was off the table. I told her that she made her choice then and to stop contacting me. She again pleaded and I made it clear she had the two options, those were the only ones she had and I was being more than fair, and shouldn’t even be giving her yet another chance. She said she wanted to think about it and so I said to go ahead.

After a few days she went back home to visit her family (she grew up and lived several hours north and only moved near me recently, with most of her family still being up north) and then texted me saying that the whole drive she was thinking hard about things. She basically said that she’s lived her whole life in a small town, is in a city now (compared to the small town she came from at least) and wants to explore life, wants to go on dates that turn out horribly, wants to meet new people, and so on and so forth. I didn’t really get how being in a relationship would somehow hinder exploring life (rather I believe it would enhance it) and why on earth someone would _want _to go on dates that turned out badly I’ll never know. The more she talked the more it sounded like another “it’s not you it’s me” speech. She again kept going on about still wanting to be friends, and after more questions she finally admitted that “although she was probably making a mistake” she still liked this other person more and that was a big factor in her decision.

Even when she was supposedly being sincere and open, she couldn’t respect me enough to tell me the whole truth unless it was forced out of her. By this point I had enough and finally stuck to my guns and told her I didn’t want to talk to her again, and that was that. She was possibly the most insincere person I have ever met.

After this, any hope I had was pretty much dead. I still tried to talk to new people, but even on the rare occasion I received a reply or two, gone was any excitement or hope that maybe someone was interested in at least talking to me. It was just an inevitability that I would be “ghosted” and now when it happened, it was no longer even disappointing - it was just expected and didn’t make any difference.

A few months later and I found another girl that was actually replying, and although in my head I was indifferent (I still talked the same as always, and through text I’m more than capable of interesting conversation, in my opinion at least) she seemed extremely interested and was as text-y as I am - rather than short replies as most people text, she would send lengthy paragraphs and even a full screen of text at once, something that I appreciated and reciprocated with long texts of my own (as you can probably tell, I’m a very descriptive writer). After a while I felt some of that hope return - she seemed eager to meet me, loved videogames almost as much as I do, and had a lot of things in common with me. I eventually said “fuck it” and asked her on a date, and she happily said yes. She had said she wasn’t feeling good over the prior few days, so when I asked I said after she felt better, therefore we didn’t have any actual plan in place yet.

We continued talking, then all of a sudden she stopped even looking at my texts - I had sent one to continue the conversation we were having, and after a day of seeing she hadn’t read it, I sent her another asking if everything was alright. A few more days passed, and again no response, my messages still left unread. One more message and a week passed without response, so I figured once again I had been ghosted. I was frustrated and annoyed - she basically got my hopes up again only to leave me in the dust with no explanation or even a goodbye.

After just over a week she finally responded and said sorry, saying that she had some “stuff to figure out” and she didn’t mean to ignore me. I told her that it was okay but explained (and we had already naturally talked about how important communication is to both of us) that I have a problem with a lack of communication - if she was going through something she could always talk to me and I would help as best I could or if she needed space that was fine too, but just ignoring me for a week with no explanation just causes me to worry and think the worst and isn’t fair. She seemed to understand and kept apologizing, and we went back to talking like normal. Then later that night, I had figured she had gone to bed as she hadn’t replied in a few hours, only to look (we were talking on Snapchat, as using text messages can sometimes be spotty where I live) and see that she had blocked me.

No explanation, no goodbye, right after apologizing and then acting like everything was all good again, we went back to having a nice conversation, and all of a sudden I was blocked. She hadn’t even read my last response so it couldn’t have even been something I said. And that was the last time I got my hopes up.

Any hope I had for finding someone was thoroughly killed at this point. Over five years of my life, trying everything I could to find someone, taking other people’s advice on how to start conversations and make myself more presentable, getting my best friend to help me, trying everything I could think of just to try and find someone that liked me for who I am, yet here I am, still alone and without anything to show for it.

I turned 24 in the summer, and like the last few birthdays, it was just another miserable day I didn’t look forward to. All I had ever wanted in life was to find someone that I could share myself with, could spend my time with and love, and that actually liked me back. Unfortunately, that’s not something that can be bought or gifted, and no amount of help would seemingly allow that to happen for me either.

I had looked forward to my birthday dinner with my best friend - earlier in the year I took her out for sushi for her birthday, and for mine we were going to go to a local restaurant that she really liked but I had never been to. She was and is the only person in my life besides my close family that actually cares about me and likes who I am, and we didn’t see each other much in the last couple months as she had been really busy (she always has a million things going on, polar opposite of me). So she invited me when it fit in her schedule, and on the day of, just a few hours before, she cancelled.

For the last while before that when she made plans (she always picked the time/day as her schedule was always hectic, which was fine with me) to go for coffee or hang out, something would always pop up and she would end up cancelling. I’d like to think I’m a pretty understanding person - I know she has a full schedule and things come up, but after it happened many times in a row, it was starting to become annoying - she would pick the time and day, and a few hours before she would cancel, and not always have a decent explanation why. I knew that she didn’t do that with other people, and it started to get frustrating especially given how anxious I get just leaving the house, and then to have plans constantly cancelled just made it even more stressful. I said as much and she kept apologizing and we didn’t see each other for quite a while until she made plans for my birthday. Since she was really into birthdays and was excited I figured at least for the hour or two she booked in her schedule to go to dinner with me for my birthday she’d make it a priority this time.

Then of course, a few hours before, she messaged me about how the carpet wasn’t right (her and her boyfriend were moving in to a house and were redoing a room) and that she had to be the one to fix it - the story sounded flimsy at best, especially since her boyfriend could have handled things or we could have just gone a bit later or something after she picked the new one, but nope, she was going to be busy until late that night so that was that. I was extremely disappointed and told her not to bother making plans with me anymore because every single time she just cancels last minute; she kept apologizing and saying she was such a horrible friend and making it into her bashing herself for it, but I was mad and didn’t want to hear it anymore and told her to stop. The best friend I’ve ever had, who always talked about how important I was in her life and talked to me every day, and yet I felt like I wasn’t even important enough to take an hour out of her day to see me for my birthday.

We continued talking later and I just ignored it, and it basically just went away - we didn’t meet up to hang out for coffee until over a month later. Since then it’s just kind of gone back to normal, every once in a while we’ll go talk for a while in person, and we no longer plan anything much in advance so at least I don’t have to deal with plans being scrapped, which is nice.

In terms of the rest of my life, I’m still working and like my job, and am saving up to buy an apartment (it’s ridiculously expensive in my area nowadays, even for small and old places). I spend my time watching fights, playing videogames, and that’s about it. I still have dating apps, but I no longer even bother trying to converse with people - I still have a funny and honest PowerPoint presentation I put together to describe myself (and it’s pretty clever if I do say so myself, I have gotten many compliments on it - even if those people aren’t actually interested, they like my PowerPoint) but now I basically use the apps as my version of people-watching since I don’t get out much. I’ll send sarcastic and snarky comments to people based on stuff from their profile for fun, and that’s about it.

Last week I took some vacation time from work since I had extra days saved that don’t roll over into the new work year. I was happy that I got both Forza Horizon 4 and Assassin’s Creed Odyssey in the same week, and both games are incredible. I played the hell out of both and thoroughly enjoyed them, yet I was still not happy. I sent tons of Snapchat stories to my best friend talking about the games, especially Forza which looks downright ridiculous in 4K (undoubtedly annoying the hell out of her, but she never complained) and bugged my parents talking about it. I always feel the need to tell people close to me about stuff going on or things that I really like, but none of that fills the gaping void in my life, wishing I had someone to really share my life with and to share in theirs. It’s something I can never seem to stop thinking about and wishing for, even when I know that it’s something I’ll likely never have.

At this point, I am resigned to knowing that I’ll always be alone. No matter how hard I try, no matter how many times I pick myself back up and try again, no matter how much I think someone may actually like me, it makes no difference. I think I’m a good person; I’m far from perfect, but I always try to do the right thing, to do right by other people, and no matter what I adhere to my own moral code, even if it’s inconvenient to do so (something that seems to be a hard concept for a lot of people to grasp nowadays). I’m confident in things I know and things I am good at; I know that I’m intelligent, I’m funny and have a wide range of humour, I’m reasonable and logical, I’m responsible and mature (especially for my age), I’m loyal to a fault, I’m passionate about the things I believe in and enjoy, I’m honest and open, and I’m a caring and compassionate person. But in the end, it doesn’t seem to ever make any difference.

For some reason, it’s never enough. I don’t know if people just see me as not being good enough, or just being unattractive (which I am, but I can objectively say I’ve seen much less attractive people that have no trouble finding people), or just don’t like my personality. It always seems to come down to me just being unlikable, though I rarely get to know exactly why anyone feels that way. The only thing that has ever made me happy, and the only thing that seems to help me with my depression, is the thing I can never actually have, or even get a real chance at trying to acquire.

And so I go through life one day at a time - I wake up wishing I hadn’t, I go to sleep wishing it was the last time I ever have to fall asleep. I’m stuck in my own purgatory, unable to pull myself out. The best option I have is to simply fade into nothingness and escape to the cold embrace of death, where happiness is no longer even a thought, but neither is depression or loneliness. It is simply nothing - no thoughts, no memories, no dreams, nothing - and that has been a much more enticing existence (or lack thereof) than my own for many years.

But I am chained to life, for I couldn’t bring it upon myself to transfer parts of my own misery on to the few people in my life that I love and that love me. Though in the logical sense my passing wouldn’t make much difference at all to the world, I know my family and my best friend would be devastated to lose their loved one. I see death differently than most because of who I am - for someone who is miserable, for someone who _wants _to die, it is a release; there is no more suffering, no more pain, no more loneliness, no more longing. Though that person may no longer be in your life, they no longer have to be miserable, they no longer have anything bad happen to them, they no longer have to worry about a thing.

I don’t like to talk much about “deserving” something, at least not when it comes to myself. Life rarely gives people what they deserve, and therefore “deserving” anything in life means very little. I’m not someone who feels entitled to much, and I’m not sure that I deserve to be happy - I’ve seen far greater people than I fail to be happy with their lives, but I’ve also seen far worse who couldn’t be happier. Life is just the way it is, and I’m not sure anyone can rightly judge themselves on what exactly they deserve, but I do think I deserve one thing - death.

I don’t feel I deserve to die because I am a bad person (which I don’t think I am), or because I’ve done something wrong, or even because anyone else wants me dead. No, I deserve to die because that is what I want, that is what I feel is my best option, and because I feel that I am a decent person. I don’t feel that I should have to continue to be miserable and hate life anymore. I’m exhausted and have no more hope left to run on.

Yet here I am, continuing on with my never-ending march toward insanity, dreaming of finally reaching my goal at the end of my pursuit of nothingness.

With my penchant for irony I’ll probably live to be one hundred, but I can take at least some solace in the fact that eventually, somehow, I will be granted my final wish - nothingness.

#Depression #Anxiety #Suicide #Nothingness #Dark #DeepThoughts #MentalIllness #Insanity

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