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justiceamberheard · 2 years

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Amber Heard’s testimony, part 7.

Day 16.

Amber Heard is asked about the first time she alleges Johnny Depp hit her. She tells the court: "You never forget it, it changes your life forever, you never forget something like that. I just had the date wrong." She has changed the date of the original incident, which she says happened during an argument over Depp's "Wino Forever tattoo" in early 2013. Heard now says she believes the first act of violence actually took place in 2012.Heard goes on: "I'm embarrassed to say I would have liked to believe I wasn't hit so early in the relationship and stayed."

Heard testifies she reviewed journals, diaries, text messages, calendars and therapist notes to determine the timeline of her relationship with Depp and the alleged abuse.

Amber Heard tells the court that: "Violence became normal towards the end [of the relationship with Johnny Depp]. It's hard to say now, but the brain does with trauma what it does - puts it away as best it can."

Heard testifies the word "couch" acted as a safe word in her fights between Depp. Jurors heard this word repeated on audio recordings of the pair's fights.

Heard testifies she found a folder on Depp's computer labeled "No Fun for JD," that included red carpet photos of her wearing revealing clothing.

Amber Heard says that after Depp had had his hand surgery (during which the tip of his finger was re-attached), he had managed to "get clean" that she thought "we had finally done it, we were clean and never going back".She says: "We fell deeper in love than we had been before, we were talking about the future, about having kids." She says her parents came to visit and all went well, and when they went back to Australia, they were talking about "babies, buying a farm, and looking at homes in California. It was wonderful. Wonderful". She calls times like this "beautiful and peaceful" .

Heard says: "He could not even mean to kill me..." She says she often feared he would kill her during one of their arguments without meaning to. She goes on: "I remember looking down on him... Clawing at him trying to get his arms away from my neck. At one point I remember him ripping my shirt, and one of my breasts became exposed... I pulled at his lapel and his shirt tore... He ripped it off and put it around my neck." (July, August 2015)

Amber explains why she said: I was hitting you audio.

Amber Heard explains, “I did start a physical fight” was an act of reactive violence after Johnny Depp had pushed a door over her toes and was charging violently at her.

Amber Heard tells the court that there were periods when Johnny Depp would be with her, or she would be talking to him on the phone, and he would be "talking to people who weren't there".

She describes a time in February 2016 in LA, when she feared he was in a confused state and would "think he was mad at me" even though she says they weren't arguing at the time. The court is then shown a video of Depp in the green kitchen of his apartment in Sweetzer Avenue, and he can be seen violently slamming kitchen cupboards and smashing glass in one of the cabinet doors as he thrusts it shut.

Amber Heard is describing her 30th birthday in April 2016 and a fight she says she and Johnny Depp had on that evening after her party. During it she says Depp "chest bumped me", "pushed me to the ground" and "grabbed me by the pubic area". She says he would often grab her there, and ask her if she thought she was "tough, like a man".She says during the fight he told her: "'All this will go away', while pointing at my face or body, and that my t*** would sag, and no one would ever love m."She says Depp left, then returned and screamed 'Happy f****** birthday'. She says "also left a note to that effect". She says he then left.

the poo incident.

We move on to the period after Amber Heard's birthday in April 2016, after which she says she and Johnny Depp didn't see each other for around a month.

She says Depp was furious with both her and Io, saying he was: "Calling Io every horrible imaginable name you can imaging calling an LGBT person, some really nasty stuff."She says Depp shouted down the phone to him: "If you want to have my woman now, you can have her," before throwing the phone at "what felt like my eye".She says Depp then grabbed her, "trying to expose my face" and doing "a mocking taunt as he's yanking me around the room". She says her friend Rocky Pennington came in, at which point she says Depp let her go.

pictures taken after May incident, 2016. (bruises)

pictures of the damage.

New audio played in court of Johnny Depp shouting and screaming at Amber Heard.

Jurors hear audio recordings of a conversation between the couple after Heard filed from divorce from Depp. Heard then testifies about what Bredehoft calls a "smear campaign."

Another recording played for the jury of Amber Heard telling Johnny Depp he is an abuser.

Heard gets emotional on the stand, testifying, "I don't want anything from him, just don't call me a liar."

Amber Heard just wanted to be left alone and Johnny Depp wanted to humiliate her and ruin her life.

The lawyer asks: "Why did you ask for a domestic violence temporary restraining order?"Getting emotional, Heard says: "I wanted to change my locks, I wanted a good night's sleep." She says security "would always let him in, no matter if I begged them not to let him over". She says they would let him into the building even if he was "mad or drunk or high".Heard describes the affect this had on her, telling the court: "I was losing hair, I was losing weight, I got really sick, I had shingles, I couldn't sleep, I was having panic attacks all the time, I was falling apart and I was scared and very conflicted as the person I was scared of was also the person I loved."

Ms Bredehoft asks Heard to describe the image. She says: "It's a picture of my face while I was sitting at the court house. I was wearing nothing, not a stitch of make up."The lawyer asks what she did there: "I provided testimony, and sat their and cried." She confirms the court granted her a temporary restraining order at that time.She then describes leaving the court: "I walked out to a sea of paparazzi and photographers... They just surrounded me and screamed horrible things at me". She says she had never seen so many photographers surrounding her before.

about the make up routine.

The lawyer asks Amber Heard why she accepted the $7m divorce settlement.Heard says: "I didn't care about the money, I was told if I didn't agree to a number it would be overturned... so I took far less than what they were offering and what I was entitled to."She goes on: "I promised the entirety of [the settlement] to charity because I was never interested in Johnny's money... I wanted the truth, I wanted him to clear my name, and I wanted him to leave me alone. I've been saying that since 2016".She explains she pledged $3.5m to a children's hospital in LA as she had worked there for 10 years as a volunteer and the same amount to the American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) as she was a supporter and agreed with their aims.She says she agreed to "pay in instalments" as she was receiving her divorce settlement in instalments, in order to to get the tax benefits of doing it like that.

Heard explains that she lost opportunities following her application for a temporary restraining order. However, she said she worked hard after the divorce to build her career back up. She says: "I fought to keep my job, and the biggest movie opportunity I had to date was Justice League, with the opportunity to be part of Aquaman."

about the op-ed. She says she knew her attorney, Eric George, as he had previously represented her when she objected to a body double of her being used in a sex scene in the film London Fields (this was discussed earlier in court). Heard says she made all the edits Mr George suggested, and didn't ignore any of the changes or edits he requested.

Amber Heard says she appeared in Aquaman 2, but that it "was a very paired down version of the role".She says: "I was given the script, then given different versions of the script... they basically took a bunch out of my role.

#anti johnny depp #johnny depp #i stand with amber heard #amber heard

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traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors · 7 months

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TW - COCSA, SA, mention of parental figures with life threatening conditions and mental issues, mention of attempted kidnapping (1/3) Mostly a vent, but also looking for advice. Sorry this is long, but I'd honestly just feel better having someone read this. Tall order, I know, sorry in advanced. My case was textbook COCSA between young peers. We were six, and he would pressure me into oral on several occasions. I said no several times on several occasions but he would use guilt tripping, emotional manipulation. Threatened not to be my friend, threatened to tell on me and get me in trouble, which sounds like nothing but to me was everything. Told me its just what "girls and boys do" or would just keep asking until I did what he said. He would have his friend watch then tease me when I did it and would make me cry on at least one occasion, and he laughed. He got me to bite it and the feeling was horrible and I still feel it in my mouth. I remember being disgusted then, and still feel that same disgust now. Embarrassed too. This continued until I was 7 at varying frequencies. I understand his threats seem like nothing to an adult, but to a child they felt very real, like my world was ending. The threats of abandonment terrified me cos I only had one other friend, had ADHD thus rejection sensitivity, and I had experienced trauma surrounding fear of losing my loved ones already, my father having a life threatening condition at the time and my mother with mental issues where she would threaten suicide and leave the house after saying so for hours at a time amongst other scary things. He didn't know the latter two stuff but did know I was bullied a lot, he manipulated me, and coerced me. I never wanted to do that stuff. Not to mention, the behaviour was extremely developmentally abnormal as penetrative acts between children that age is not considered normal even if its just oral. I'd argue there was a power difference too since I was developmentally behind my peers in terms of cognation and social skills, and he had more knowledge on this stuff than me. He learnt it from porn, but I suspect an adult may have abused him too since he used very "adult groomer like" language when trying to convince me. I don't even blame him, he was more like a bully than an abuser. But I do blame the adults who hurt him and thus me indirectly, and the adults who knew what he was doing to me but did nothing.

Here's my conundrum though. I've looked at the Brooks traffic light tool. I'm in the red. I looked at the continuum of sexually harmful behaviours from Hackett (2010 model I believe), what I experienced is firmly in the "abusive" section. I used the Sensoa Flag System and aside from the ages being off with both children being 10 instead of both 6-7, there was a scenario described in the textbook that was EXACTLY my situation that was in the red, abusive behaviours section. And an added note that if the coercion occured on more than one occasion, it was actually BLACK FLAG behaviour. By all professional measures of this type of abuse, it's abuse. The therapists, psychologists, police, etc, that I've spoken to all told me its a form of sexual abuse/CSA. Yet I always feel that my abuse does not count or isn't as serious as the abuses of others. I feel guilt seeking help from rape charities or specialist counselling services specifically for CSA survivors even when the councillors from those services tell me I have a right to be there. I feel guilt calling myself a "CSA survivor". I feel the need to specify I experienced "COCSA" when I talk about it, but then I need to explain what COCSA is to those who don't know... and then usually I feel the need to explain the intricacies of COCSA and the specifics of my situation to validate to them that what happened to me, for all intents and purposes, was sexual abuse. And its exhausting when I am just trying to go into a space to vent with other SA survivors, that this was the worst thing I've experienced and needing to justify that. I have experienced SA as an adult but that barely effects me these days in comparison to the fucking carnage the COCSA caused me. Not to mention the other traumatic experiences I've had in childhood and adulthood, including emotional abuse and even attempted kidnapping. COCSA remains the worst thing I experienced in terms of its impact. I think of it daily. It's so hard to not be seen as "weak" or judged or seen as an attention seeker without having to explain the decades of studies I've read through just to justify my emotions to MYSELF. I use the tools the professionals use to justify to myself my emotions are valid. I just want to figure out how to stop thinking like this. It's frustrating. I just want to stop thinking about this topic as a whole preferably, but I'd at least like my brain to stop compelling me to read decades worth of scientific writings on the matter of COCSA and peer on peer sexual abuse so I don't waste hours of my day on a near daily basis. I also have an issue with the fact that the COCSA caused my reactions to the other forms of sexual violence like simple sexual harassment to really fuck me up. Stuff that others would probably barely count as harrassment. I cannot walk home alone at night at all. I have to call someone if I need to. That's partly due to the attempted kidnapping to be fair, and being followed home once as an adult, but also the harassment I've faced over the years of both childhood and adulthood. It feels constant to have some crusty dusty old guy perving on you. Not to mention that as an adult I realise lots of the "innocent" interactions I had around older men as a child were not as innocent and rather older men asking me for disgusting things like me dancing for them and shaking my butt in my swimsuit for them. And having even another child hurt you in that way? Idk. It makes me feel that no one is safe to be around. And worse, no child is safe from others. Not even other children. I am terrified of that concept. It makes me not want to have children because I am so terrified I might fail them in some way or they be hurt by someone else who they were supposed to be safe around.

Hi anon,

I'm so sorry about what you've been through and please know that not only are you not alone in experiencing COCSA and polyvictimization, but you're also not the only survivor to feel like what happened isn't serious or valid enough to get help or resources for your experiences, or to even label yourself as a survivor. This can be especially difficult if you've been gaslit or victim-blamed over what you went through.

Regarding how your COCSA still overshadows your SA in adulthood, it's important to recognize that your COCSA was at a formative age, which could partly explain why it's had a much more significant impact on your being. That being said, sometimes it's simply a mystery why our brains find one experience more traumatic than the other, even if it seems it should be the other way around. But it's important to honor your trauma as it is, and consider that trauma isn't defined by what happened, but rather by how we psychologically respond or process those events.

It's really hard to struggle with validating your own trauma. Something that has helped me personally was to imagine it vicariously. Like, imagine that someone else went through the exact same thing as you did. Would you tell them that they can't call themselves a survivor, or that what happened to them wasn't traumatic, abusive, or severe? Would you call them weak or an attention seeker? If you answer no, now consider that this person is you. It may not completely resolve things, but it may put it somewhat at ease.

I think that your experiences contextualize your general unease, fear, and distrust. But it can also be isolating and exhausting to navigate your life in a way that is dictated by these things. As a survivor you deserve to shine beyond your trauma-informed fears and live a life that is meaningful to you. If you can access or afford it, a mental health professional could help you process all of your traumas, including your feelings surrounding them, and work with you to reframe your thoughts and equip you with some healthy coping mechanisms that you can take with you along your healing journey.

I hope I could help and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

#mod bun #trauma talks #tw abuse #tw child abuse #tw sa #tw csa #tw cocsa #tw emotional abuse

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highpri3stess · 1 year

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Hello Mon Mon~~ I was busy the past few days soo... I am sorry for not showing up... But the whole week was such a chaotic one...

So basically, I became a lawyer, a psychologist, a businesswoman, a class adviser???? a therapist, an artist, a debater, and a single mother of freshman college students who made me their personal all of the above jobs that was mentioned... And somehow all of them are sooo clingy like djksfhjksjsdk I realized that I am better parent than my own parents.....

The context:

So I am selling my products (as usual) when suddenly I saw my favorite set of juniors (The First years) who were about 3 years younger me. So as usual, I try to sell my gummies and baked goods to them and I still earn a lot from them alone. So while having a conversation with some of them, the two of my juniors who were near the chalk board suddenly came up to me and were like,

"Ma! She won't believe me when I said that her crush is such a red flag!"

And I was like: "Did you just call me Ma?"

"Oh my god Ate (it is an honorific in my country which can mean 'big sister' or someone who is older than you who is older than you...)! I am so so sorry! I did not mean to-"

"Finally! One of my children called me Ma! I am so happy."

And he was like: Oh you want me to keep calling you Ma?

Of course I do! Because Monica, I proclaimed myself their mother the moment I saw their batch... Same goes with the other school years... (The amount of Mommy issues that I have is showing in that very sentence)

So they already know about that mother title thingy 4 months ago and they were fine with it, but this is the first someone from them called me Ma so I was so happy.

And I was so happy and he was like a flustered baby! My son was so adorable like awww....

And he was like: O-oh okay-

And some of his classmates were like: "Jay is a Mama's Boy!!!"

And I told them, Nah... Stop teasing your younger brother and they giggled at that...

So time skip! It was break again, and after checking my other juniors, I checked up on their section and they saw me and they looked so distressed and I asked them: What is happening???? and I found out that one of the girls in one of the friend groups in their department actually backstabbed and sabotage their friend group and even screenshoted a private convo and showed it to someone... the fight was so big that most of their class was so affected.

And I told them that what she did was illegal because according to a certain privacy act, you are not allowed to screenshot a pm without the permission of the other person that you are messaging... so I became a lawyer for a second there-

And somehow, they can't decide on how they were suppose to handle their Christmas party, so I became their class adviser and I even held an open forum so they can petition the issues inside their class.....

And somehow along the way with that- I became a therapist- some started talking about family problems, some wanted relationship advise, and a few issues in the room... and it was so chaotic, sad, funny, all emotions all at once...

Someone even opened up about being groomed, someone opened up that her father held their mother at gunpoint wile arguing, someone even cried... And I am so so glad that I am doing this mother title thing... I was able to took care all these people who had broken childhoods and dead inner children...

You're literally an amazing parent person! Literally! I legit admire you. I'm so happy your juniors have an older person they can look up to. And that situation with the girls was genius! Your week is interesting as hell. This is so beautiful!

I hope you take care of yourself too! At least we know that bad parenting didn't break you and that's beautiful asf.

Also the boy that called you 'Ma' I almost teared up. He sounds like such a sweetheart istg 🥺🥺

#found family irl #you're so lucky and i'm proud of you #moots ♡#but take care of yourself too okay?

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witchlockmonsterfox · 2 years

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how did you come to realise your mother was That Way? i’m like in my early 20s and i always thought i’m a bad person & a monster because i’ve never been abused yet i have strong cluster b tendencies, especially in the narcissism & lack of empathy department, and i am extremely self serving and controlling. starting to realize how parts of that were formed and reinforced by the way my mother has treated me, who has narcissistic tendencies (broadly speaking, don’t wanna arm chair diagnose bc she also did that to me my whole life lol) herself. and it’s like idk it shouldn’t have taken me two decades to arrive at the conclusion that i’m not a bad person for needing a sense of security and control that’s 10x higher than the average population like i’m not a villain for simply requiring control over my body and life……. and one time i talked to my therapist about my mother & how my need for control clashes with her behavior and my therapist was like “does she know you have that need” & i was like 🙂 yes she holds it against me during fights 🙂 idk i’m in a high conflict situation with my mother atm (live together) and i had to think of you because i just feel like maybe you had similar experiences, even if mine was never that of outright abuse. also. how did you cope LOL every day im so close to violins

there were many moments but the three biggest ones:

1) when i finally started to talk to my friends about her behaviour online as a young teen, they couldn’t believe it and told me that’s not how mothers act. a very telling moment was when i was 12 i met an online friend and my mother openly mocked me in a restaurant, which disturbed my friend’s mother.

2) after she lost custody and i was in the custody of my father he took me to a psychologist when i was fifteen who helped me realize my mother was abusive. he told me short of cases that involved severe physical abuse (like starvation or fractured bones) i was one of the worst abuse cases he had ever heard, pointing out particularly how i was so brainwashed that i didn’t even fully realize the severity of what had happened to me.

3) the final and last defining moment for me was in my early 20s when my mother attempted to take my infant daughter away from me by force. she falsely reported me to child protective services (who concluded it was a false report), got a judge to sign off on an order forcing me to temporarily hand over custody to her (which i got back quickly), and then dragged me to a court hearing to win custody.

she subpoenaed multiple people arguing i was unstable, violent, mentally ill, and a potential danger to my child, citing things i had done as far back as the age of 12 years old. i was basically slandered in court for four or five hours by her.

while i did end up signing over custody to my father due to mental illness/personal issues (my child hadn’t been neglected in any way but even regardless of that i was concerned over my child being around in such an environment… my ex and her bio dad was also very aggressive, cut himself, and physically destroyed things) i won the case. the judge found my mother’s claims ridiculous, everyone she subpoenaed had good things to say about me, and i had evidence my mother was in fact the abusive one (the reason she lost rights/custody of me was documented + online posts documenting her abuse of me.)

realizing the way your parents affected you negatively because of their own fucked up issues can be hard and that especially includes realizing potential abuse and neglect. my mother literally hit me (and i don’t mean just spanking) and i didn’t even realize i was being abused because she had me so convinced that was normal discipline and “what mothers do”.

#asks

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asrai-azurrcat · 3 months

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tumblr lets you vent without anyone seeing so ig ill try?? but i dont rly have anything to vent just writing down.. things umm tw sh?? depression?? but not mine.

why is mental health in kids so bad- like as someone whos thirteen and has never had any issues other than the common insecurities, why are so many people my age suicidal for years?? like. i know a lot get bullied and then there's family problems, but then some people just have happy lives until the internet; and then place expectations on themselves and sh and then they start to have thoughts about dying- and they're only, what, ten? eleven? twelve? like, they're practically still children. not even teen. and as terrible as it sounds, i just cant understand, especially how theres a lot of other kids who think being depressed makes you cool and edgy and gets you attention so they start to pretend to be unhappy and then draw attention away from people who need it, and at this age you really can't tell those kind of people from the genuinely hurt ones. i made this mistake with my year 6 bsf, ill call her blossom. but like. she's basically perfect in every way: beautiful and one of the only people who don't pretend to be kind, they really are just. actually. so kind at heart. and especially now that she's moved away and then got her phone taken away, took a massive break from tiktok and her stupid fucking boyfriend and studied and now, shes even better. doing better. in year 6 especially id always find sh scars on her arm and she'd never stop, and she talked abt being depressed before but i never even believed her. i was such an asshole friend abt that. like trying to will her to 'stop pretending to be fucked up'- how can she even consider me a close friend to her now, still? i have a vivid memory of one of my friends puppy, looking at blossom closing the school scissors around her fingers and puppy saying, 'oh my god blossom, stop acting depressed', and then blossom just smiled and stopped and i as a really horrible friend internally agreed with puppy. like. im supposed to be there for her. im just so self-centred and pigheaded, and i was prancing abt the world with rose-tinted glasses, thinking. like. there's no way anyone my age can be depressed, thats bullshit! anyone doing it is doing it for attention. and i hate myself for failing blossom like that. and then when i found out her fresh scars and knew she was being real abt this, and i just tried to press her for answers, she wouldn't tell other than a vague answer that her parents always argued. and then id only find out a year later in high school after she moved away, from a fucking spotify playlist, that she didn't get along w her mom. meeting up w blossom again in this new year, and seeing her talk about a new boyfriend who isnt obese and chronically online like her ex, and studying and omitting swear words and reading classic books instead of manga. idk what i was feeling, but i just feel a bunch of regret that i didn't even help her at all when i was friends with her, closest with her, just focusing on myself and my social life and feeling sorry for myself. god i hate myself for not caring more about her.

and now in high school i meet a bunch of new people with puppy and eventually join a friend group i can stabilise on, have fun, make new friends, find shil. and shil is a mirror of blossom, like throughout the entire y7 i was just constantly thinking: oh wow, they both care a lot abt other people. they're both into genshin. they both need a therapist. they both have parents that are on the verge of divorcing. they both aren't straight (actually im not sure abt blossom's sexuality after coming out of her y6, is she still pan?) and i don't deserve either of them. shil is just. so, so friendly and nice, staying friends with me despite my terrible personality, but she has her own friends that she prefers more- two groups of them- and i dont have anyone now that cappu has left, so i always feel like im the one clinging onto her. and shil is also dealing with her stuff, like the shit that happened in her home country and then her parents aren't getting along, she's been bullied and manipulated as a child. i mean, at least she's confiding in me this time unlike blossom, so at least i know what she's going through. and she doesn't have sh scars on her arms but who knows?!! who fucking knows because arms arent the only place you can cut yourself and shil could just be hiding them. and the difference here is that blossom liked me as much as i liked her to the point we could say ily to each other (platonically, near the end of the year very few times but still it was there) and shil is.. more distant, because as much as she's opened up more to me than blossom has it's not even the tip of the mountain of things she's carrying around. and going to a top girl's school filled with smart people and asians, we're surrounded by people under pressure and as much as the teachers stress that the school counsellors are there barely anyone really goes there. but shil is, im glad she applied. she needs it. i don't want to be an asshole to her like a did to blossom. and i thought just occurred to me that, if i lose her, ill be alone in the school, so basically my thinking is just centred around me. self-pity. feeling sorry for myself. if i don't stop being this self-centred, it probably will happen.

and then again, im always judging everyone, which shouldn't be a problem until i go acting on my judgements, and then i make myself fall closer to the social rock bottom because those judgements are mistaken, and i just like to judge people by their outward appearance and personality. like what happened with blossom. i didn't even know bats was this depressed and sh'ed until i found her vent. i just assumed she liked s3x jokes, and they never bothered her. and J too. im confused about J, but J really is suicidal too, because i remember her sending a massive vent to cappu and cappu telling me abt it. and i sort of gave her a blind eye during the period last year when her social life was evidently down and mine was blooming, being an absolute fucking idiot stupid selfish asshole not talking to her enough until the end of the year when we went to the mall with patty everyday like a ritual, and she befriended lin, hitch and tee, and vali, and hy, but she still has no energy, and she looks really tired everyday and looks like she's not taking care of herself.

why are children getting depressed? why are twelve year olds and eleven year olds getting depressed? why are they unhappy with their lives, why are they getting anxiety and cutting themselves, why is the internet doing this to them? what's going to happen to our children's generation, will fucking toddlers commit suicide- i want to understand these people. i want to help them, i want to avoid being a bystander to their unhapiness when i could help and i want to never make the same mistake i did with blossom. i want to stay friends with shil. i want to make new friends, join a new friend group, other than the inner circle with puppy that talk about things i don't even know like taylor swift or boys they meet on snapchat. i want to stop being self-centred and selfish, because these days whenever i try to think about other people like this it always circles back to me

i hope no ones reading this lmao

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unchartedmusings · 1 year

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Reflection 01

Whew. It’s been a rough few weeks so we should probably take a second and look back with some gratitude. Friday was rough girl. You stood up for yourself 3 different times in a 5 hours span. Finding my footing with my boundaries with my parents has been a journey. It’s so hard to know what to say or how to act when you go from feeling almost thirty to 11 years old in your mind so fluidly with them. BUT, you did it. Friday. Maybe it was bumpy? Maybe it was small, but you you did it. And most importantly s your parents didn’t need you after all. They survived, they’re happy, and they’re moving forward. There was no crisis because you didn’t help. You didn’t have to stop everything for their to be a resolution. You don’t have to parent your parents. Can we also take an honorable mentioning for standing up to your friends? They aren’t ill intentioned. They can be lost, fighting their own battles etc. not every hurt is done on purpose BUT you can express your hurt anyway. And you did it. It was nerve wracking. I wondered if we would argue, they would ignore it, despite knowing you’re not a mean person. I just imagine the worst case scenario to prepare. It took a few days after our talk to hear back from them but slowly but surely things feel like they’re going back to normal. You can express your needs to friends too. It’s ok because if they love you you’ll find a way to meet in the middle. And finally. Despite maybe being an unofficial expert for standing up for yourself at work, this time was different. This time you exercised patience, trouble shooting, kindness and courtesy despite hurdles. You didn’t cry and take work home with you. You let it roll off your back until you decided you needed a change. You expressed yourself well, not angry, and not unprofessionally. You had solid ooh ya backed up by your work. And you’re taking further steps to see it through despite a possible job offer in the table. You could have just given up and kicked back until you heard but you kept the momentum despite being frustrated. That’s noteworthy. You haven’t over-complained, beat a dead horse, or made yourself sick over it. You handled it. And all of these things whole being sick. Going to urgent care and the ER alone with no cell service and no one to talk to. You didn’t cry, you didn’t panic you HANDLED IT. You came even took an appropriate amount of time to rest and run errands! Like who is she? A healed and healthier girl? I think so. I’m proud of myself. My therapist is proud of me. My boyfriend is proud of me. My dog is proud of me. I’ve overcome obstacles with a clear mind and steadier nerves. So the next time there’s a rough patch. And there will be, sorry babe. Let’s come back here. Remember this moment. Who we were before this and how much we have grown since. I love you. Good night.

#reflection #0523

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specialagentsergio · 3 years

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rationalizations

rationalizations: a defense mechanism in which one makes up a false but reassuring explanation to explain their behavior and/or feelings to both themselves and others, thus avoiding the reality of why they are really acting or feeling as they do.

summary: You’re the psych evaluation for Spencer. You think he’s full of shit, so you refuse to sign his clearance form until he actually tells the truth.

pairing: spencer reid x f!reader

category: angst (happy ending)

content warnings: spencer’s canonical trauma, flashbacks, mentions of suicide and suicidal ideation, swearing

a/n: i wrote this for @imagining-in-the-margins‘ enemies to lovers event. it’s not my favorite trope, but one of the prompts sparked inspiration for me. i also took a good amount of inspiration from meredith’s various therapy scenes in grey’s anatomy, so if some of it feels familiar, that’s why! i swear i intended to make this cute and funny, but, well… here we are lmao.

word count: 3.6k

masterlist

Spencer throws his bag onto his desk with a frustrated huff. It thumps loudly, startling JJ at her desk across from his. She gives him a sympathetic look regardless. “Still not cleared yet?”

“No!” Forgetting that it’s wheeled, he drops himself into his chair. It skids backwards and he has to scramble to grab something to keep from falling out of it.

“Careful there,” JJ says, trying valiantly to suppress a laugh. “That psychologist's got you really worked up, huh?”

“I don’t know what she wants from me!” he complains. “It’s been nearly a month! Hotch’s ex-wife was murdered by an unsub, but they cleared him. I was only shot in the neck.”

“I mean, that’s still kind of a big deal,” she says. “You could’ve died, from the gunshot, or from the nurse that tried to kill you afterwards.”

“Speaking of that nurse,” he starts, “Garcia is the one who shot him and she’s been a wreck over it. She insisted on going to the guy’s execution. But the therapist cleared her!”

“Penelope’s not in the field,” JJ points out.

He crosses his arms. “Still. This isn’t the first time I’ve been shot. That possibility is part of the job. It’s not like it came out of nowhere and I was completely unprepared for it.”

“I don’t know what to tell you, Spence,” she says. “Just keep all of your appointments and I’m sure you’ll be cleared soon.”

He pulls a stack of papers on his desk towards him. Paperwork—one of the things he’s actually allowed to do. “I better be,” he mutters.

---

“And it was really scary, you know?” Spencer wipes at his eyes with a tissue. “Not knowing if I was going to live or die.”

“Mm-hmm.”

He takes a deep breath. “But… it’s over now. The preacher who shot me died in the same shootout. Owen McGregor, the leader of the corrupt deputies, died later that night, in another shootout. And Greg Baylor, the one who posed as a nurse and tried to kill me, was sentenced to death row and he’s gone now, too.”

His psychologist makes a note on the paper in front of her, but doesn’t say anything, so he continues.

“I… I feel better now, just letting that out.” He takes a new tissue and dries his nose. “I feel ready now. Ready to go back to work.”

She nods slowly, considering him. But she doesn’t even look towards her desk where the clearance form sits, frustrating him to no end. After five minutes of silence, he breaks.

“You can’t be serious.”

She raises an eyebrow. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

“I’ve been coming to these sessions for over a month, and I’m still not cleared to be in the field. I…” He musters up more tears and makes sure his voice wavers during his next words. “I just don’t know what you want? I’ve tried everything.”

“No, you haven’t,” she says plainly.

He blinks in surprise, sending some of the crocodile tears down his cheeks. “What?”

She crosses her legs. “You’re full of shit.”

“Excuse me?”

“You’re not being honest with me, and I don’t think you’re being honest with yourself either,” she says. “You’re a great actor. I can see how you’ve gotten clearances easily before. But that stops with me.”

Spencer stares at her. “I don’t understand.”

She moves her notebook to the side. “What happened in Texas isn’t the first time your life’s been in danger. Why do you think that is?”

“Wh—that’s part of my job,” he argues, fake crying long since forgotten.

“Not to the extent that you take it. I’ve read your file,” she says. “You take unnecessary risks with regularity.”

The tissues crumple in his hand as he clenches it. “I do not.”

“Let’s go back to the beginning.”

“The beginning of what?”

“Of your career.” Yet she doesn’t take out his file, or look at her notes. She speaks from memory. “2005. The BAU is assisting with a hostage situation. You go into the train, posing as someone who is there to remove a microchip from the unsub, but the first thing you do? You take off your bulletproof vest.”

“Okay, clearly you don’t understand what the situation was,” Spencer cuts in. “Ted Bryar was suffering from a psychotic break. He was somewhat unpredictable, and he told me to take off the vest.”

“And you just listened?”

“He—he had a gun, and was threatening both me and the other passengers with it!” he says. “What was I supposed to do, not listen?”

“Uh, yeah,” she replies. “You easily played into his delusions just a few minutes later to distract him. Why not do that to keep yourself safe?”

“I was twenty-four and was running on adrenaline,” he says defensively. “And it was my first time doing something like that. You can’t expect me to think of everything.”

“You’re right, I can’t,” she agrees. “So let’s jump forward a few years. How about the time you approached a teenager who was wielding an assault rifle with no protection, not even your own firearm?” she challenges.

“You mean Owen Savage? That was a unique situation,” he protests. “I knew I could talk him down.”

“No, you didn’t. You thought you had a good chance, but there’s no way to be one hundred percent sure of that. He was volatile, and on a killing spree,” she counters. “You didn’t know if you’d succeed--”

“I did!” He startles himself by unconsciously raising his voice, but he doesn’t apologize. “I did, because….”

“Because you related to him,” she fills in. “And that’s fine. Having empathy for an unsub doesn’t suggest something’s wrong in and of itself. But you still put yourself, and the rest of your team, in danger, didn’t you?”

He crosses his arms. “I got that lecture from Hotch when it happened, okay?”

“So then why’d you confront an unsub alone a few years later in Miami?” she asks. “You didn’t even tell anyone where you were going. You left your vest behind and just ran off.”

“I was having a head—wait, how do you even know that happened?” he questions. “It wasn’t in the report.”

“Well, first of all, you just confirmed it,” she points out, and he wants to kick himself. “Secondly, I can read between the lines.”

“I was having a headache,” he repeats. “I wasn’t thinking all that clearly. I just knew Julio’s life was in immediate danger, so I went to help him.”

“Uh-huh. More recently,” she says, brushing past his excuse, “You confronted your girlfriend’s stalker without your vest or gun.”

Spencer’s getting angry now. “I was trying to save Maeve. She asked me to leave them behind.”

“And you simply listened. Do you see the pattern I’m drawing here, Dr. Reid?” she asks. “These are just a few of the instances that stand out. Time and time again, you put yourself in unnecessary danger. So I’ll ask you again. Why do you think that is?”

Spencer looks over her—really looks over her, trying to understand what she’s getting at. “Are… are you suggesting that I’m suicidal?” he asks quietly.

She looks him straight in the eye. “You don’t act like someone who wants to be alive.”

It’s like she set off a bomb in his brain. Memories, and the feelings attached to them, emerge—Elle handcuffed to a seat, a teenager with a rifle, a blinding headache, Maeve and blood on the warehouse floor.

“Here’s what I see,” she says. “I see a man who’s been through so, so much. Your mother is mentally ill, your father left--”

His father is packing a suitcase. Spencer doesn’t know what he’s supposed to do or say, so he falls back on what he knows.

“Statistically, children who grow up in two-parent households attain three more years of higher education than children from single-parent households.”

It doesn’t help. “We’re not statistics, Spencer.”

“Your file says she’s staying at an institution, and with your father out of the picture, I can only assume you were the one who had her admitted--”

“Spencer, please don’t do this to me!” she cries as she’s escorted out of the house by Bennington Sanitarium’s transport staff.

“A few years into your work here at the FBI, you were kidnapped, tortured and drugged--”

He’s tired and cold and his whole body aches. Tobias—the real Tobias—looms over him with a syringe.

“Please. I don’t want it,” he pleads of his captor. “I don’t want it, please.”

The needle punctures his skin regardless.

“—you were held hostage by a cult leader--”

Emily sits across from him on the plane with a black eye. “What Cyrus did to me is not your fault.”

He pretends to agree.

“—you went through the death and reappearance of Agent Prentiss--”

He’s tried to make it clear to Jennifer that he wants to be left alone, but she won’t stop trying to talk about it with him, and he’s had enough.

“I came to your house for ten weeks in a row crying over losing a friend, and not once did you have the decency to tell me the truth.”

“—and your girlfriend was shot in front of you.”

“Who’s Thomas Merton? Who is he?” Diane demands, gun pressed against Maeve’s head.

“He’s the one thing you can never take from us,” Maeve replies, and Spencer’s heart drops. Thomas Merton is Maeve’s way of saying goodbye—she’s giving up.

“Wait!” he cries out, but it’s too late.

“This is just some of the more traumatic stuff. And then there’s what happened last month, which is why you’re here. You present a face of not being bothered by all of this, because that’s what you’ve been doing all your life, but I think you are bothered. You really, really are. And you don’t want to admit to anyone just how much it all has affected you. Maybe you don’t even want yourself to know.” Her expression and tone of voice are certain.

Spencer can’t take it anymore. The whirlwind of emotions and memories is overwhelming.

“The number of times you’ve almost died is staggering--”

“Yeah, and sometimes I wish I had!” He glares at her, breathing heavily. “Is that what you wanted to hear?”

But she doesn’t seem intimidated or alarmed at all. She leans back in her armchair. “Now we’re getting somewhere.”

The response only serves to make him angrier. She questioned him relentlessly and made him admit something he swore in the dark hours of sleepless nights that he’d never think again, never voice, let alone admit to anyone. She forced it out of him, forced. She made him say it against his will.

So why does he feel a sense of relief?

“I…” Tears well up in his eyes—real ones this time. “I’m done,” he chokes out.

He pushes himself off of the couch and out the door, slamming it shut behind him.

---

He storms in Hotch’s office and demands to see a different psychologist. But she was one step ahead of him—a few hours before the appointment, she had emailed Hotch and told him that under no circumstances should Spencer be allowed to get a clearance from someone else.

“And you’re going to believe her?” he cries.

“She’s doing her job, Reid.”

“You barely know her! You’ve known me for a decade!”

“Yes, I have,” Hotch agrees. “And you’ve told me yourself that you’ve fooled psychologists and therapists before. So if this one is saying you’re not ready yet, I’m inclined to believe her.”

Spencer just stares at him, but as usual, Hotch doesn’t blink.

“Unbelievable,” Spencer eventually mutters.

“Take the rest of the day off,” Hotch replies, glancing down at fists Spencer hadn’t realized he was clenching.

“Fine.”

Too agitated to stand in the elevator, he takes the stairs. As he stomps down them, he swears he’ll never go back to her office, even if it means never going into the field again.

A week passes, then two, and he hasn’t seen the psychologist since. But he doesn’t feel any better—he actually feels worse. It’s like her words broke a dam in his mind, in his gut, and feelings of unease and uncertainty won’t pass. It keeps him up at night. Her words echo in his head. “You don’t act like someone who wants to be alive.”

Spencer’s had yet another sleepless night and is struggling not to doze off at his desk despite the coffee he’s drinking. He stands up with the intention of splashing some water from the bathroom sink on his face, but his feet take him somewhere else.

He stares at the nameplate on the door. He swore he’d never go back, yet he feels compelled to knock.

It only takes her a few moments to answer. “Dr. Reid. Can I help you?” she asks.

“I…” He sighs. “Are you busy?”

“No. Come on in.” She steps to the side, opening the door wider to let him pass. He sits down on the couch.

She waits patiently. She doesn’t rush him. She lets him speak first.

He wrings his hands in his lap, staring down at them. “Something you said is bothering me.”

“What was it?”

“About… living,” he admits quietly. “I… I think you might have been right.”

When he gets the courage to glance up at her, he finds a soft smile on her face. “Would you like to talk about it?”

Spencer hadn’t realized he was expecting judgment and disdain until it didn’t happen. His shoulders slump down in relief. “Yeah,” he says. “Yeah, I think I would.”

---

“You’re still thinking about her, aren’t you?”

Spencer looks up from his paperwork, slightly out of it, to find Derek watching him. His coworker had, indeed, caught him thinking about her again. His psychologist. Well, former psychologist. After his second session back with her, she’d handed over a clearance form and a referral to a therapist outside the bureau to see long-term.

“And you better follow up with that,” she’d told him, the corner of her mouth turning up despite her serious tone of voice. “I’ll know if you don’t.”

He’d promised that he would, and had followed through. But despite the progress he was making with the new therapist, he was feeling a little disappointed that he didn’t get to see her anymore. He only saw her in passing, sometimes in the elevator or walking down the hallways of the building. They would exchange hellos, she would ask how he was doing, then give him a little wave as she left. Each time his heart would skip a beat, and he’d feel an urge to follow her to wherever she was going.

Yet he hadn’t quite realized why he seemed to be preoccupied with her until a dream he had a few weeks ago—a dream in which he found himself kissing her. Despite being alone in his bedroom, he’d woken up feeling embarrassed. He promised himself that he would put her out of his mind. Having a crush on his psychologist? It was ridiculous.

But then he saw her in the elevator a few days later and he couldn’t help but analyze her body language. It was open, and she twirled her hair around a finger while she looked at him to ask him how he was. A few other people entered the elevator on the next floor, but her attention remained on him. They were subtle signs, but signs that he recognized nonetheless—signs of attraction. And once he started seeing them, he couldn’t stop.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Spencer tells Derek, picking back up the pen he hadn’t noticed he dropped.

“You can’t pull that on me, kid,” he replies. “It’s your psychologist. You can’t stop thinking about her, can you?”

Spencer sighs. “So what if I can’t?”

“So go ask her out already!” Derek says like it’s obvious.

“You don’t think that’s just a little inappropriate?”

“You’re not seeing her as a client anymore, are you?” he points out. “Go for it, kid. You’ll regret it if you don’t.”

Spencer takes the advice—as soon as Derek said it, he knew he was right. He would regret not taking a chance on her and the connection he felt. Sure, she’d helped him with therapy, but it went deeper than that. It feels like she knows him.

He leaves the bullpen ten minutes early that evening, hoping to catch her before she leaves for the day. On her doorstep, he feels just as nervous as he did on the day he admitted that she was right, but it’s a different kind of nervous. An excited nervous. He knocks on the door.

She’s surprised when she seems him. He watches as her pupils dilate, and it boosts his confidence. “Dr. Reid. Can I help you?”

“You can. I’d like to talk,” he says.

“Oh. Well, I guess I could do that,” she says. “I thought things were going well with the therapist I referred you to, though.”

He shakes his head. “No, I don’t mean I want an appointment.”

Her eyebrows come together in confusion. “Okay, then, what do you want?”

Spencer doesn’t hesitate. “I want to take you out to dinner.”

“I’m sorry, what?”

“I really like you, and I think we’re meant to be together,” he replies, voice softening a bit.

She pauses before answering. When she does, her voice is gentle. “Dr. Reid, sometimes a medical professional’s care can start to feel like affection over a period of time, but--”

“No one has ever listened to me like you do,” he interrupts.

“That’s my job,” she points out.

“I’ve seen therapists before, but none of them have been like you,” he counters. “You understand me.”

She sighs. “Well, I’m glad I was a good fit and was able to help you. But that doesn’t mean that I see you as anything more than a client.”

“You’re lying.”

“Excuse me?”

“You do feel something more for me,” he says firmly, but then backtracks a little. “Well, I know you’re attracted to me at least.”

She blinks and shakes her head slightly, take aback. “Dr. Reid, this is not appropriate--”

“Please call me Spencer,” he says, then jumps into his explanation. “See, when we’re attracted to someone, our bodies display involuntary signals, and I’ve seen you do some of them when you’re around me. Whenever we run into each other here, your body will turn a little towards me and you’ll play with your hair. Your attention is almost entirely focused on me. And, when you see me, your pupils dilate. They did it when you opened the door just a few minutes ago. Oh, and I’m attracted to you, by the way,” he adds as he realizes how one-sided he’s been. “I imagine my pupils probably dilate when I see you, too.”

Her mouth opens and closes a few times, like she wants to speak but doesn’t know what to say. She looks flustered, and he wonders if maybe he’s pushed it too far or said too much, but he can’t turn back now. “So, please, let me take you out,” he says quietly. “Just… just give it a chance.”

She bites her lip and looks at the ground. There’s a crease between her eyebrows, which he’s come to learn means she’s thinking. She speaks seriously when she looks back up. “If I go out with you, I can’t treat you anymore. If you ever need another evaluation or session, you’d have to get it from someone else.”

“I know,” he says. “I get along well with the therapist you referred me to, though. And having to get clearance from a different psychologist at the bureau is something I’m willing to give up in favor of getting to know you better.”

She considers him. “You’re serious about this,” she states.

It’s not a question, but he answers it anyways. “I am.”

She tilts her head to the side, eyes unfocusing as she ponders the situation. Eventually, she says, “Let me think about it.”

It’s not exactly the answer he was hoping for, but he’ll take it.

---

It’s only six PM, but Spencer is already exhausted. He unlocks his apartment door, fully intending to collapse onto his bed, but instead receives a pleasant surprise in the form of his girlfriend waiting for him on the couch. He can’t help but smile.

“Sweetie, what are you doing here?” he asks, then adds, “Not that I’m complaining.”

“Penelope told me it was a bit of a rough case,” she replies. “And I missed you.”

She holds out her arms and he takes the invitation, joining her on the couch and laying down between her legs, placing his head on her chest. “I missed you, too.”

Her next words are overly familiar. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“Hey, we agreed to no therapy,” he says. “Something about I can’t be your client anymore?”

She huffs. “This isn’t therapy. This is being a good partner.”

Spencer smiles into the fabric of her shirt, snuggling in closer. “I know, I’m just teasing you. I don’t need to talk about the case,” he says, finally answering her original question. “I feel fine now that I’m here with you.”

She lets out a pleased hum and starts running her fingers through his hair. “I ordered take-out for dinner, by the way.”

“Where from?”

“You know where.”

A wide grin spreads across his face. She must have ordered take-out from the restaurant he took her to on their first date. He lifts his head to look her in the eye. “Aren’t you glad you said yes to me all those months ago?”

“Oh, I suppose,” she says with pretend annoyance, rolling her eyes.

Then she kisses him.

Spencer’s never been so happy to be alive.

---------------

tell me what you thought here!

please note that i DO NOT ENDORSE asking out your therapist/former therapist. this is fanfiction. thank you.

general taglist: @calm-and-doctor , @spencerreid9

#spencer reid x reader #spencer reid x you #spencer reid fanfic #spencer reid angst #criminal minds fanfic #criminal minds self insert #spencer reid #angst #my fic #i just cannot stop myself from writing about mental health issues and treatment can i

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loliwrites · 2 years

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What would Addi and Alex do when they have an heated argument and their kiddos witness and think their parents gonna have a break-up/divorce because of that?

GAWDDAMNNNNN Nony. Freakin' coming for me like this.

Ugggggh I am a product of a loud, noisy household. And let me tell you, being a product of that sort of household is brutal. Lord knows the hours my therapist has spent trying to get me to work through the fact that my childhood was loud and noisy. And the bad sort of the loud and noisy. It’s not loud and noisy with laughter and giggles and love. It’s loud and noisy with yelling and anger and outbursts.

I’ve written before that Alex and Addi take pride in the fact that they don’t have that sort of home. Their home is only noisy when it’s from laughter. There’s not a lot of raised voices or (passive) aggressive tones. But we also know those fics where the lovebirds have fought. And partners do fight. It’s okay to argue as long as you’re arguing in a healthy and productive way. If there was any inclination towards yelling before kiddos, I think that’s the first thing they’re adamant about abolishing once the kiddos are born. It’s not something that happens overnight. Sometimes something happens that just rattles one of them and the first instinct is to get a little worked up -- and perhaps a bit louder than they ought too. But because it’s something that Addi doesn’t want her kids to grow up around as she did (and that Alex didn’t grow up around that), it’s something they try to be conscious of all the time.

It would have to be about work, right? The thing that sets off the argument. Something like Alex said yes to a job and he’s beyond excited about it. It’s the type of project that comes around once in a blue moon and makes you happy to be alive and part of it. As soon as the offer came in, he gave an immediate -- albeit tentative -- yes. It’s made worse that Addi finds out about it by someone other than him. Maybe Alex had left his agent’s office and wasn’t picking up his cell phone, so his agent called the apartment (let’s live in a realm where they still have a landline). Addi’s been half-battling the kiddos all day. Maybe they’re on a break from pre-school/kindergarten, so they’re particularly rowdy because of all their free time. So when she hears the voicemail his agent leaves... something about what the shooting schedule will look like. A couple months in Lithuania. And another couple in Croatia. And just the thought that he’s going to jet off for at least four months and leave her to single-handedly parent two kids under the age of five -- without so much as a conversation -- sets her off. With the kids distracted by some arts and crafts that’ll be a nightmare for her to clean up later, and Alex not answering her calls either, she’s got some time to stew.

About two hours worth of stewing before he walks through the door a little inebriated... a little too lax for her liking right now. The kids run for him the moment he passes through the threshold. They’re ready for bed, acting like little angels now after Addi basically exorcised the demons from them in the bathtub. She can straight up tell he’s working with a nice little buzz and that sets her off a little more. He was out having fun, carefree, and she was winning the golden belt buckle for kiddo wrangling rodeo. Maybe she didn’t even think she’d bring it up tonight. She knows she’s worked up about it, and conversation now probably won’t be the most productive. But she tells the boys it’s time for bed, and they groan and ignore her because their papa just walked through the door. And instead of backing her up on it, Alex kind of ignores it too. So suddenly, the thing she had no intention of bringing up tonight, is halfway out her mouth.

One stern mention about bedtime later that finally clicks in Alex’s brain that he should give them a pat to get going, and the boys are stomping off. Just as they’re alone, but not quite out of earshot from the kiddos, Addi starts -- and it’s just a bit louder than she wants it to be.

“Lithuania! Croatia! Four months?! What a nice vacation for you. Sure, fuck my work, I’ll just stay home and take care of the offspring.”

“Sweetheart,”

Normally she loves hearing that term of endearment come out of his mouth, but right now it’s like all those times on set when some older man says it and it drips condescension. “Don’t sweetheart me! I’m so fucking done with you carelessly jetting off all over creation. You’re not thirty anymore. You have responsibilities. I need help, and you just seem content to leave.”

Now, because of the liquor, Alex is looking to match the fire and spice she’s coming at him with. “I’m not leaving, I’m--”

“What do you mean you’re not leaving! Does this look like Lithuania to you?! You don’t have to take these action blockbusters that whisk you off to some random country for a tax break.”

“But I want to!“

And if Addi wasn’t seeing red before, that just about does it. “And I want to be able to follow my productions to location too! But guess what, I stay here. I don’t leave you alone to parent singlehandedly. I give you ultimate consideration and you give me none!”

Though it’s been brief, it’s been a loud argument. She’s sure the neighbors below have gotten an ear-full. It’s then that she and Alex both catch a little movement in their periphery and find that their two little kiddos have been eavesdropping and witnessed the whole thing. As soon as they find themselves in their parents’ direct line of sight, they scurry off to their bedroom as quick as their little legs can take them. Now on top of being pissed at Alex, Addi’s pissed at herself for lashing out like she has. She scrubs her hands over her face to try and stave off any tears.

“I can’t do it,” she mumbles and stares at the floor, “it’s too hard.”

With that, she turns and heads off for the kiddos’ room to try and remedy any harm their argument created. To her dismay, they look shell-shocked. Curled up together in one bed, their eyes wide with the blankets pulled up to their noses. They’re still too young to really comprehend fully, but what they do know is that they just saw mama and papa explode, and they never see that. Alex steps into the room too, just as the older kiddo asks, “are you and papa breaking up?”

She doesn’t want to act like that’s an idea that’s terrible. It’s not great, but even within their own extended family there’s a lot of disjointed and separate parents, and the kids are just as happy. But the notion of that happening to their own little family unit breaks her heart a little bit. In her hesitation, Alex sits next to her on the side of the bed and rests his hand on her back.

“Sometimes mamas and papas argue. We’re not breaking up, buddy.”

The little nugget pushes the blankets down a little bit. “Then kiss and say I love you.”

Maybe Alex feels Addi stiffen a little bit and interprets it as her not wanting affection right now. He understands. “Buddy, you know we don’t touch other people’s bodies without permission,”

“But it’s mama!”

Just like he had to do with Addi when they began dating, Alex reiterates. “We don’t touch anyone’s body without their permission, right?

The older kiddo nods, and mimicking his older brother, the younger one does too. “Mama, kiss and say I love you,“

“Bud,”

But Addi twists her body to face Alex. They’ve both calmed down, they’re both seeing the other’s perspective a little clearer now. She nods, “I love you,”

A fleeting grin passes over Alex’s face. He cups his hands over Addi’s cheeks and kisses her. It’s not anything too much, and is quickly parted when the boys spring up and hang over their parents. Alex rests his forehead against Addi’s. “I love you, too.”

They don’t talk about it for the rest of the night, deferring to leave it for the morning when truly clearer heads prevail. Alex beat her awake the next morning and made the kiddos breakfast to allow her some time to sleep in. When she awakes and grabs her first cup of coffee that morning, Alex lets her know that he’s already called his agent and backed out of the deal.

#asked #anonymous #alex skarsgard drabble #alex skarsgard #alex skarsgard imagine #angsty al #hurricane addi #papa al #also putting this under #more alex and addi

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traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors · 4 months

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hey, hope you're doing well. you can tag my asks with the nickname calliope, please.

looking for advice, opinions, and resources if you have any that would be helpful in stopping this problem i've been dealing with.

tw for family issues and negative feelings towards myself.

i've been accused of copying people (i don't mean mild copying like just mirroring some of their mannerisms, i mean being told that i am literally stealing people's entire personalities). i do not do this on purpose and don't even know i'm doing it, it's that my mom tells me that i'm trying to copy (person) and it comes up a lot. it has been going on since i was much younger and the person i'm supposedly copying varies.

i've been accused of copying friends, former classmates, family members, fictional characters, and celebrities/people on reality TV shows. and i never seem to copy any of the good/healthy/positive parts of their personality, either. only the bad things that they say/do. it usually comes up in disagreements where my mom doesn't like the way i'm acting and she says that it's just me supposedly copying the personality of someone else who does things she doesn't like, like arguing with their parents or being selfish.

my mom says it's something i do because she thinks that i think it's cool or trendy to be certain people. or she thinks i'm doing it to be "funny" even though i don't really understand that either because it's not funny to me. and the thing is, i don't realize i'm doing it. not at all. i'm not purposely copying people's personalities but it's still something i'm apparently doing all the time without even being aware of it, until my mom mentions it and tells me to stop doing it. and i don't really have anyone else in my life who would be able to confirm whether i'm really doing it or not because the person who i'm around the most is my mom.

i've told my mom multiple times that i'm not doing it on purpose. and she's actually acknowledged it at times. however, she still gets angry at me and blames me for my copying because she thinks that if i didn't talk to certain people, or read/watch things with people or characters she doesn't like in them, then i wouldn't end up copying their personalities. but like i said, some of the people i'm supposedly copying are ones i don't talk with anymore (sometimes she thinks i still talk to them behind her back, even though i don't). even the celebrities/reality stars a lot of times are ones who i don't keep up with anymore even if i did watch them before during a different point in life (but again i've never purposely tried to copy any of them).

my mom doesn't always do this next thing, but one thing she does do sometimes is that she'll go for days not calling me by my own name anymore, but calling me by the name of whoever she thinks i'm supposedly imitating at the moment. i tell her to stop and she says she'll stop it when i stop being a copy of them. and it really gets under my skin and sends me spiraling into full-blown meltdowns, because i feel like she's basically drilling into my head that i'm not even a real person with my own thoughts and feelings, i'm always just copying another person, i'm some kind of glitch or mistake who isn't capable of being human, i'm fucked up and i can't do anything to stop myself from copying and copying and copying. i start spiraling into thoughts of not being real and sometimes it's made me feel like i don't deserve to exist because after all, why the hell does the world need someone who's nothing more than a copy, right? because of my mom i constantly feel like a fake, i honestly feel like i'm somehow a clone or alien or robot or something from a sci-fi movie and not a real human being with their own normal personality, whatever that even means. i'm just an imitation.

i wish i could get a therapist to provide their perspective but unfortunately i can't right now. if you need more details to better understand my situation i can send in another ask. i just really need help with not doing this anymore but i don't know what i'm supposed to do. i truly hate myself for this, and for making my mom so sad and angry all the time. and when i look for online resources, i don't find anything helpful.

i've explained the problem to people before and they totally misunderstand what i'm trying to say. they always think that either a) this is about mirroring people's body language (but it's not about body language, it's about personality), or b) i'm copying people in order to make them like me more, like to mold my personality to be more similar to theirs and get closer to them (but that literally makes no sense whatsoever since some of these people are ones i've never met and will likely never meet in my life, like celebrities and reality stars, and even the people from irl are almost always ones who i'm no longer in touch with).

-calliope

Hi calliope,

I wonder if this accusation is simply meant to hurt you instead of holding any substance. Perhaps you actually aren't copying anyone or anything, especially if no one else is pointing this out, and especially if it's not something you can personally identify. I think it could help to do some inner exploration and try and identify what exactly you might be copying or internalizing, but if it's that hard to figure out, then maybe the accusation is truly false. It also sounds like your mom has brought it up only during arguments and not to genuinely sit down and discuss it with you, which also indicates that she may be making this up on purpose. That being said there's obviously only so much that I know about this situation but that is what makes most sense to me based on what you shared.

If anyone has any other comments or suggestions, feel free to add on. Otherwise, I hope I could help, and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

#mod bun #trauma talks #calliope #tw abuse #tw emotional abuse

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queenmolina · 3 years

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bobby was in the system

i’m going into detail about how i imagine it just because that’s what anon asked me to do - if you think this might be upsetting then i advise you to stop reading here <3

i’m going to preempt this with some disclaimers

- i’m british so my pov of the system will be wrong, i’m not even going to try and translate it

- i’m not picking out sad/tragic things to be deliberately upsetting for the sake of an angsty backstory, this is just genuinely how i choose to imagine it happening

- this is a compilation of my friend and i semi-projecting onto our shared comfort character. im more than happy to share this because i really like this take for bobby, but please be sensitive in any comments you might make in (more for other people’s sake - im comfortable to discuss any of the content)

bobby doesn’t remember his parents. he lived with them for a time and from what people have told him, they were a really happy family. his mom was a therapist and his dad was an author. there are photos of the two of them smiling happily at the camera - some even had a small, baby-faced bobby bouncing on their knee, though they called him robin. it’s on all of his certificates, all of the documents. his name is robin. it doesn’t feel right

when he’s three, bobby’s parents pass. he thinks it must have been some kind of accident - to take them both in one go - but he doesn’t get offered any explanation. he’s almost immediately fostered into a family but there’s so many kids there that it’s basically a foster home. he’s one of the youngest and is immediately babied by all of the older kids which is where he starts to be selective about physical affection/contact with other people

he stays there until he’s six. all of the kids there get moved about when their ‘parents’ (it’s what the kids were told to call them but it never really applied) decided they actually weren’t cut out to look after a dozen children and threw in the towel

six year olds are a bit middle of the range in terms of how quickly people foster/adopt them but bobby’s gained a bit of a reputation for being ‘tricky to manage’ because he’s so fussy - he’s not fussy, he just wants people to stop mollycoddling him and give him some peace and quiet. he stays in a foster home for a year until eventually a couple take him in. but it doesn’t last long - they say bobby acts out and all of a sudden he’s back on the front step with his shopping bag of possessions and they’re passing ‘robin’ back as though he’s a library book and not a child

from the ages of eight to twelve, he gets passed back and forth from one place to the next. some are better than others, obviously. there’s the malone’s where the only other kid is their 17 year old biological daughter who thankfully doesnt much care for ambushing bobby like some of the others had. there’s the harper’s where bobby’s surprised they even passed the social worker visit because the house is a tip - but the carers are nice and he has his own room. there’s the vegaro’s who he even allows himself to hug when he had to leave. the rest of them aren’t even worth remembering. they never lasts, even the nice ones always go wrong. he’s back in the foster home every time he begins to get settled

when he’s twelve, the rate at which he gets fostered slows again. he sidles along with the older kids who seem to have given up hope and spend their days causing trouble or sneaking out of the home just because they can. bobby doesn’t go with them for a few months - until he realises that it’s fine. no one will care if he disappears for a few hours. will they even care if he doesn’t come back at all?

on his thirteenth birthday, one of the carers helps him gather his stuff from his bunk and shove it all into a bag. he’s fed up of trying to find a real home so when a woman shows up to take him, he doesn’t even try for a smile

it’s his aunt. his biological family. she has the same soft features as his mother in the photos and the same dark, pin-straight hair. somehow it manages to hurt more when she wrinkles her nose at his attempts of a conversation

her husband is nice. jerry, his name is. a portly man with a receding hairline and a frequent habit for offering bobby a sip of his beer. he’s not related to bobby by blood but it’s nice to feel like someone’s on his side

his aunt hates him. she doesn’t say it out loud - not when bobby’s in the room - but he sees how she looks at him. he hears her arguing with jerry about him sometimes and saying nasty things about his mother too. she and jerry seem to fall out a lot

she leaves one day. and doesn’t come back.

for once, bobby doesn’t get sent back to the foster home. if anything, he feels more welcomed once his aunt had gone. he and jerry feel like family - a little strained but bobby thinks that must be how all families feel. they watch tv together and even share hobbies. jerry even bought him a guitar, something brand new and for bobby and not second hand. bobby was worried he would have to give it back when the time came for him to return to the home but that wasn’t something to worry about right now. he meets jerry’s friends and family and for once, bobby feel like he has a family of his own

this is also the longest he’s ever stayed at one school. he thinks he might be making friends (he can call them friends this time, they’re not allies. they’re friends)

when he’s fifteen, jerry passes. he hadn’t been very well, it had been getting worse. bobby had seen that it was coming and had half-packed a bag before it had even happened

his new friends from school come to the funeral and sit with him on the front row of pews. alex - who was a foot taller than the rest of them - cowers a little from all of the attention. luke pulls at his sleeves and collar, clearly uncomfortable in the fancy get up, but he offers a sad smile whenever bobby catches his eye. reggie isn’t sure what to make of the whole thing but he can see that bobby’s upset and their shoulders knock together whenever reggie wants to remind him he’s not alone. at one point, bobby even takes reggies hand in his. he would be embarrassed or uncomfortable at the contact except he’s lost his family and he’s probably going to lose his friends too

instead of going back to the group home, he’s asked to move in with jerry’s mother, althea

she has a pretty big house and a garage which she converts into a space for bobby to hang out. he’s still unused to having his own room so to have two feels a little overwhelming. he invites his friends over to fill the space and when luke asks to start a band, bobby allows him to convert the garage into a makeshift studio. althea doesn’t mind, in fact she encourages it.

bobby isn’t the best at putting his thoughts into words but he can put them into action so when the boys start having trouble at home, he makes one thing very clear: the studio is their home. the studio belongs to all of them and if they ever need a place to stay, they should stay here. this is their home, where they’re loved and looked after. bobby tells them this in fewer words but he hopes they understand

(he’s not sure why the boys are so upset about their home lives - bobby would do anything to be with his parents. that is until he sees alex stifling hot tears or luke choking up over his test results or reggie knocking on his bedroom window at two am, desperate to escape the noise. then he gets it)

luke moves in and bobby starts carting his dinners to the studio to eat. althea pretends not to notice that there’s another boys clothes in her laundry loads and just starts doubling bobby’s food portion to make sure they both get enough

then it goes wrong. and bobby loses another family.

althea teaches him things to keep him distracted. she shows him how to knit, teaches him more tagalog, more recipes. it does nothing to make him feel better but he could never tell her that. he’s grateful for every moment she spends with him. she didn’t owe him anything and yet she took him in. the least he could do is try to smile and forget about his boys for a moment. for her.

she’s the one that encourages him to keep creating music, to make them a legacy they can be remembered by. it doesn’t work out that way in the end and she’s the only person that understands how the guilt weighs him down quite so much

years later, when he’s told that he’s going to be a father, his first thought is to run. he can barely cope with being responsible for himself, let alone another person. but it wasn’t his choice, she was going to have the baby. he was going to be a father

carrie is three when her mother leaves. it feels like another cruel twist of fate, like a knife in his gut. he always wondered when it would be his turn to go. he’s 29 and maybe he should’ve gone 26 years ago with his parents, or 14 years ago with jerry, or 12 years ago with his boys. but he would not let carrie have his struggles. so he cries to althea alone and puts on a brave face for his daughter

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spn-romantica · 3 years

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So I watched SPN for years, right up until the end of S11, when they brought back Mary. I heard that S15 would be the last season, and I was like ‘oh ok I’ll rewatch (for like the 8th time) and finish SPN then’ BUT THEN 15x18 happened and I was violently pulled back into the SPN fandom. I still haven’t caught up fully watching yet, but I’ve read so much discourse now...and I have thoughts. Hypotheses currently. I’ll wait to finish the whole show for real to call any of this theories but, I wanted to record my thoughts.

They’re about Chuck. As a villain. Which weirds me out. As an antagonist? Sure. As evil? No. Can’t envision it. I just finished my rewatch of S5 and, damn, but if Chuck is the ultimate villain, S5 reads very differently. :0

But I recently saw a post comparing Dean’s reaction in 1x18 (I believe) to his in 10x05 (for sure) about when someone mentions his mother’s death. In 1x18, it’s Sam when they were children and Dean gets angry. In 10x05, it’s a group of high school girls and Dean just bops his head along to the song. The post was framing it as 10x05 not understanding Dean’s thoughts about his mother, but I think that both episodes understand Dean. When Dean is a child, the trauma over his mother’s murder is still fresh. By 10x05, the event is 70 years in the past. Of course it still affects Dean. Of course. You never really get over something like that. But I’d argue that after 70 years, Dean has moved through the stages of grief to acceptance. It still hurts, but like an old ache, not a fresh, still-bleeding wound.

Interestingly, 10x05 is when we see Chuck, after a long absence. He’s watching the play, probably happy that someone loves his work enough to even make a musical, but he is also watching the Winchesters. The actual episodes of the show, aka the books Chuck writes, are what Chuck knows/cares about regarding the Winchesters. Despite being God, I’d argue he doesn’t pay attention to every second and all the little minutia of the boys’ lives. So, here in 10x05, we have confirmation that Chuck is around to see that Dean has healed from his mother’s death.

Later, in S11, Dean acts as therapist/life counsellor to Chuck/God, regarding Amara and Lucifer. And it works! Dean teaches God about family and about healing. Why does God listen to Dean Winchester, a random human? Perhaps it is because of S1-5. Perhaps it is because Dean and Sam were part of God’s test, as God himself describes it in 5x22.

What was the test? Was it God’s experiment about choice and free will? About freedom vs peace? Or, perhaps, was God trying to understand sibling relationships? He and Amara are two faces of the same coin. They are siblings, but with very different outlooks and it caused a rift between them, caused Chuck to seal Amara away before she could destroy his creations. Chuck regretted this, but saw it as a necessary betrayal. But then, some time later, Chuck’s angelic children experience their own betrayal and sibling rift. Lucifer tries to turn the angels against God, rebel and reject God. He makes demons, for sure, and maybe even Hell. But why? God figures that Lucifer was maybe jealous of the new baby (humans) like others in the show postulates. Or maybe Lucifer had beef specifically with Michael, because humans are little more than amoebas from an angelic perspective. Aside from Castiel, Anna and a handful of other angels, angels consistently view humans as humans might view dust mites. Maybe humans were the cause of the rift between Michael and Lucifer, but it was Michael and Lucifer’s relationship that needed fixing in the end, regardless.

So God is left with the sad conclusion that maybe close siblings will inevitably betray each other and be unable to forgive and heal. He wants to heal with Amara. But he also wants Michael and Lucifer to be able to heal. (It doesn’t occur to God that maybe Lucifer’s problem was never with humanity or Michael; it was with God.)

So God has research to do, to see if it’s possible for siblings to experience such deep betrayal and still heal. He turns to his little hairless apes, the only sentient species on Earth with potential to parallel the angels. He starts testing siblings. Cain and Abel are first up. Needless to say, but the betrayal was too strong and left no room for healing. But on down the line of Cain, God continues testing. Eventually, we come to Sam and Dean.

God has scheduled Michael and Lucifer’s family counselling session for 2010. All the data up to this point says it can only end badly. Maybe it’ll half-kill the Earth, but it’s finally time for Michael and Lucifer to meet and for one of them to die. God isn’t happy about this conclusion, but it’s what the data says. So, finally, the last test subjects, the last in the line who will be the vessels for Michael and Lucifer’s showdown, arrive. Sam and Dean Winchester are to be the last sibling test. The conclusion seems foregone at this point, but there is no point in cancelling the last bit of the test after so long, so it continues. God watches. And Sam and Dean surprise God. Siblings after siblings had failed for millennia to heal. Betrayals too strong, healing too little, too late. But Sam and Dean. no matter how badly they hurt each other, find a way to come back together and heal. They don’t give up on each other, despite millennia of data to the contrary. Still, the angels and demons push and push at Sam and Dean until their rift is as wide and as deep as Michael and Lucifer’s, as God’s and Amara’s (in late S4). It seems, despite the brothers’ best efforts earlier on, it’s all for naught.

But there is a further element of randomness, something God couldn’t foresee. Castiel. God hasn’t had occasion for romantic love in his own experience, so he is entirely blind to what choices Castiel is likely to make. He provides an element of randomness to the experiment, an essential part that gives Dean the ultimate chance to go back to Sam and begin to heal (4x22).

Throughout S5, Sam and Dean heal. There is hurt, still, of course, but they love each other and forgive each other. By 5x22, they’ve surprised everyone. Even the angels have given up on turning them against each other, and have shrugged and settled for using Nick and Adam as the vessels for the showdown. Sam and Dean passed their test. They were siblings who betrayed each other and healed from it. God reconsiders how family counselling will go with Michael and Lucifer. He figured it would be the Apocalypse, the end of the problems between Michael and Lucifer, as one of them dies, as had always happened before. But, Sam and Dean showed God, that though it is rare, it is possible to heal. So God gives Sam and Dean an out. He gives Sam the strength to seize back control from Lucifer, should things go south.

Finally, the showdown arrives. Michael and Lucifer meet. They talk things out. To God’s surprise, Lucifer reveals that he never had a problem with Michael. He had forgiven Michael long ago. But Michael couldn’t forgive Lucifer. He had to be a ‘good son’ and do what he thought God wanted him to do. But Michael didn’t realise, that God doesn’t give orders. Free will all the way, baby! But the whole thing comes as a surprise. Apparently, all this time, the problem relationship wasn’t siblings, it was parents.

Oops.

Good thing God had a back-up plan.

Sam throws himself and Lucifer (and Michael and Adam) into the Cage. Michael and Lucifer have an eternity to figure things out between each other now. But that’s beside the point. The point is, now, that God has to start testing all over again. Not how to fix sibling relationships, but how to fix parent-child relationships.

God restores Castiel, perhaps for a few reasons because God exists outside of time, but originally it may have been just for one. He likes Castiel. He is impressed that Castiel invented free will for himself, broke free of angelic programming (multiple times over), and did it all for love. It’s novel. It’s interesting. God might even think it’s sweet. But God has had time later, and thought about it, and he has a plan. And Castiel is essential.

But Dean Winchester is the key.

Sam and Dean’s relationship with their own father has been strained, but both boys find a way to forgive John his flaws and failings, and love him. Whenever they do get a chance to see him again, post his death, they don’t hate him. They’ve healed. John’s relationship with Sam and Dean is one point of data, Abraham and Isaac another. There are many data points that God can reflect back on and consider.

But as S6 through S10 roll on, God watches Sam and Dean and Castiel. He even watches Crowley and Rowena for another data point. Dean is his main focus, however. (This is a little meta, but as the story focuses more on Dean than Sam post S5, it ties in. Prior to S6, both Sam and Dean were essential - the sibling test. Now, post S5, the parent test, Dean is the most essential. Of course, Sam and Castiel are important too. But Dean is key.)

Dean is a good father. He was a good father to Sam, even when he was only 6 years old himself. He was a good father to Ben. He was willing to die for Bobby John. He’s always good with kids. Not only that, but Dean is blunt enough, brave enough, and crazy enough to tell God to God’s face what he thinks. God needs Dean’s advice, his perspective and opinion on family relationships, but he also needs to see what Dean would do if he were in God’s shoes.

[Edit (1/04/21): After seeing Michael and Lucifer (mostly) heal, and after seeing Sam and Dean heal their relationship, God finally has hope for him and Amara. So God logically wants to retrieve Amara from her prison. But how? Well, he could just wander on up to Cain and do it himself, but what would Amara say? “So I see you’ve come crawling back, eh, Chucky?” She wouldn’t be impressed with God. She wouldn’t understand, because she’s hopeless too. SO how to give her hope? How to make her see that she and God can be okay again? Why, stick her near Dean Winchester, of course! So God sets things up for Dean to get and lose the Mark of Cain, thereby ensuring that Amara will feel a connection to Dean and stick around him/keep him alive long enough for Dean to work his life-coach magic.]

In S11, God and Amara heal their relationship because of the hope Sam and Dean gave God, and also the direct advice Dean gives God. God and Lucifer, not so much.

God needs more data. He needs to see what Dean would do. In comes Castiel’s relevance. God sets things up so that Lucifer can have a son. A nephil. Jack. And God points Castiel in Jack’s direction, trusting Castiel’s ability for unconditional love to keep Jack alive long enough for the experiment. Castiel becomes Jack’s father. But Castiel will never betray Jack, the way God betrayed Lucifer. And, besides, Castiel isn’t the target of this experiment. But it is Castiel’s relationship with Dean Winchester that provides the link needed to get the experiment rolling.

Because Jack is Castiel’s son, he is therefore Sam and Dean’s nephew. Except, God has been watching Castiel and Dean. And, frankly, their romantic love for each other is so obvious even God cannot miss it. Through Castiel, Dean sees Jack as his son too. He loves Jack, exactly like a son. In this way, Dean parallels God, and Jack parallels Lucifer.

But God knows Dean would not easily turn on any child, let alone his own child. So God had a plan for that too. One that Amara helped him with.

They brought back Mary Winchester.

Mary is the one person in existence whose loss would hurt Dean enough to spur him to action. So, she was brought back to die. It was a matter of only a few years of gentle prodding to get everything in position. Jack causes Mary’s death. Dean is faced with a horrible decision. If Jack can kill Mary, what’s to say that Sam and Castiel wouldn’t be next? Mary’s death is like everything beginning all over again for Dean as well. Her first death set off a chain reaction, a series of unfortunate events that spanned decades and nearly caused the ruination of not only Dean’s life, but Sam’s and John’s and even the world. That scar, which had healed as well as it could after 70 years, that God saw was healed in 10x05, has been violently opened up again. It’s the only thing that could force Dean’s hand, that could get him to betray Jack and try to kill him. If Jack had killed Sam or Castiel, it wouldn’t have had the same effect. Both Sam and Castiel had died and come back so many times, and while it would hurt Dean and make him doubt Jack, their deaths would be a sacrifice that Dean would feel obligated to respect, to give Jack a second chance like they would both want. (And God has been laying the groundwork for Dean, convincing him that Jack is evil, will be evil like Lucifer, can’t be allowed to live. All things God has thought about Lucifer over time. Was Lucifer inherently evil? Was their rift inevitable?)

So, here it is. The big test. Will Dean kill Jack? Will he betray Jack and cause an unhealable rift? Or will he find a way to heal, like he did with Sam against all the odds?

And, once again, Dean impresses God. He refuses to kill Jack.

But now we’re in the endgame. Sam, Dean and Castiel are aware that Jack’s life was only on the line because of God. It’s not something they can forgive, or understand. They’re all God’s guinea pigs, and while he loves his guinea pigs, he knows he’s hurt them in the name of science, of knowledge. or healing, and God can’t undo what he’s done. Free will is linear, after all. So it is time for the Winchesters, Castiel and Jack included, to be done with God. God is done with them, too. It’s time for them to be free and at peace. The experiments are done. God has decided not to kill Lucifer. He has decided to try to heal. He can get Lucifer out of the Empty and talk and try to fix things. He has forever to fix things, now that he knows he can. (The last element of this, Jack forgiving Dean for trying to kill him, is something I have limited knowledge of, but I am under the impression happens so... To be added in the edit once I finish the series.)

But the only way the Winchesters will be able to rest, is if they think God, the last and greatest villain, is out of the way. They know they’ve been manipulated their whole lives, first towards the sibling experiment and now the parent experiment, so they need to think God is gone so they can feel secure in their free will once more. Truthfully, God never took their free will. He set them up in situations, maybe even gave a bio-chemical nudge of anger (Dean) or attraction (Sam and Eileen) every now and then. But the choices were always theirs. Still, God knows they won’t see it that way. So he sets things up so that they can defeat him.

He lets them win. He wants them to win. They cannot defeat God, after all. It’s not God’s time, and Death is the only one who can claim God in the end, as the two embrace as friends and walk to the next existence. But the Winchesters need this, and so God allows it. A last gift, to the beings who have been such help, hope and inspiration to him.

With an eye for an eventual S16, 15x20 is written to be ‘an ending’ but also one that could easily be reframed as a bad dream.

For example...

Unfortunately, after Jack, suped up on a extra Grace God lent him, restores the Earth and expends all the Grace (”giving up the mantle of God so that their is no God, no plans, only Free Will”), and Dean, Sam and Jack head back to the Bunker to regroup and gather the ingredients to do the spell to rescue Castiel from the Empty, they’re jumped by monsters who are angry with how much God has fucked with them on behalf of the Winchesters. 15x20 is all a djinn dream Dean is trapped in.

16x01 is Dean waking himself up from the djinn dream, Sam and Jack escaping their own monsters, and then the end of 16x01 is Dean saying something about waking Castiel up from his own dreams in the Empty. The rest of S16 sees the boys save Castiel, reunite with Eileen, start a monster-hunting Bobby Singer/Men of Letters-esque organisation, Dean and Castiel getting together and getting married on Valentine’s Day, Jack getting to live a normal life, going to school, making friends, etc.

If their is no S16 ever (which would be criminal), then 15x20 makes no sense, unless it is plainly a recount of an old, hopeless ending written by God. However you spin it, 15x20 is not the way it seems (like owls).

All things being said, God is an antagonist, but he’s not evil. He’s an asshole, sure, but he never once worked against the Winchesters, never bet against them, never tried to erase or end them. He wanted them to win. He wanted to see the fruits of free will be love, second chances, hope, forgiveness, healing, and happiness, not just betrayal, pain, selfishness, jealousy, disappointment, and hopelessness.

Why is the ending he shows Becky ‘hopeless’? Because God is. He has spent his long existence losing his most loved family members. Amara, Lucifer. How can things end well for God, when they can’t even end well for humans? But Sam and Dean defy the script, again and again. They surprise God, defying the statistics, defying the hypotheses, throwing the experiment into disarray. Giving God hope. Sam and Dean were okay. Dean and Jack were okay. If God had a romantic love, he would find hope from Dean and Castiel being okay. But when God wrote the book he showed Becky, he was writing what he thought would happen. In the end, surely, not even Dean can be enough to hold Sam and Cas and Jack together. But in the end, as we see, as God sees, he is proven wrong and he’s happy to be wrong. He’s hopeful. And he can leave Dean, Sam, Castiel and Jack, and all the angels and all the humans, to rule the Earth and the Heavens. He doesn’t need to learn anything more from them, so he heads to the Empty, with Amara, with Lucifer, with Death (Billie or not, Death is there for God in the end), and they can all depart for a better existence of their own.

If you read all of this, thanks! I eagerly anticipate watching the remaining 10 seasons so I can come back and edit the heck outta this, but until then, if y’all have any thoughts, I’d be interested to hear them~

TLDR: God is a morally bankrupt scientist and the Winchesters are his guinea pigs, but he’s not evil and he does love his guinea pigs, even if he could really treat them nicer.

#supernatural #spn #dean winchester #sam winchester #jack kline #castiel #god #chuck #amara #lucifer #mary winchester #destiel #deancas #this is what i get for living on spn tumblr in a post s15 world while rewatching s5 and having memories ranging from hq to 8bit about s1-s11 #be kind i haven't finished my rewatch/finished the show so i probably have stuff wrong #what if god isn't evil just has no inherent moral compass because he has to teach himself everything #and he's taken to using the winchesters as his guinea pigs/life counsellors

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mvlcxlms · 2 years

Text

hello you gorgeous people ! in the midst of focusing on the rp i totally forgot that i had to make an intro , so i’m sry if this seems messy & rushed , but tbh that’s pretty on brand for me so (☞ ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)☞ . anyways i’m casey , your always stressed and sleepy admin , she / her pronouns , and this is malcolm and he’s a garbage boi so here we go !

( dylan o'brien , cismale , he/him , matthew lillard ) have you turned on your tv lately ? all they ever talk about now is MALCOLM TORRANCE . apparently the ACTOR is the biggest thing in hollywood right now , which is crazy because they're only TWENTY - SIX years old . i hope they don't let it get to their head , but you know what they say about GEMINIS . my cousin met them once , and she said they reminded her of the smell of cigarettes clinging to ripped clothes , expensive white shoes covered in dirt stains and crude drawings , polaroid cameras filled with private moments . in an interview they said that their dream is to STAR IN A CRITICALLY ACCLAIMED FILM , but i guess only time will tell if they end up being a flop or not . ( casey , 23 , she/her , est )

name : malcolm anthony torrance

age : twenty - six

date of birth: may 31st

zodiac : gemini

place of birth / hometown : jersey city , new jersey

gender : cismale

pronouns : he / him

orientation : bisexual

parents : edward torrance & kathleen reilly

siblings : benjamin torrance

career : actor

backstory

malcolm was born in jersey city on a rainy day in may

his parents , at the time , were thrilled to add another member to their small family after trying to get pregnant for years after giving birth to their first son

from what malcolm remembers of the first ten years of his life , it was pretty normal , pretty happy aside from his older brother doing older brother things to make his life hell

he was in fifth grade was when he started to notice a change in his family – his dad seemed to work a lot , slept on the couch often , he could hear arguing coming from their room at all hours of the day

his brother , about fourteen at the time , would distract him with movies and skateboarding lessons because he was old enough to know what was going on

the next year was when his parents filed for divorce , and of course at the time he didn’t know it was because his dad had been cheating on his mom but he did get remarried awfully quick so it didn’t take a genius to figure it out

his mom had family in california so that’s where she moved them once his dad’s new wife got pregnant and he dropped all pretense of caring about him and his brother

and when he was fourteen his mom got remarried too , the same year his brother left for college , leaving malcolm to deal with them alone

so high school was rough for him . he was in detention a lot , one of those kids that you just expected to get in trouble on any day ending in a y

he’s done it all – smoked cigarettes behind the bleachers , spiked the punch at dances , graffitied any available surface , argued with teachers over the smallest things

he’s generally not a dick , so the therapists his stepdad sent him to said he did it for attention and also probably because he has adhd ( he just sold whatever they prescribed him so joke’s on them )

his stepdad wasn’t terrible , but obviously not the paternal type , always acting like malcolm was some cat that he just had to make sure to leave food out for

but jeez was he rich , some soulless businessman type that liked to make money but liked to spend it even more , always flying his mom out to tropical vacations and buying malcolm whatever new piece of technology just came out , probably just to keep him from bitching too much

his mom , though he loves her to death and knows she was just trying to give him the best possible life , was easily won over by the money ; she loved the nights spent at expensive restaurants and hotels , loved going to broadway shows and spending thousands on a single shopping trip

so she wasn’t around much either , but malcolm kept his mouth shut because he figured she deserved it after dealing with his dad for all those years

and malcolm wanted to make the best out of the situation so he found ways to keep busy , and one thing he learned that he really loved to do was act

he joined the school’s drama club because he figured it’d be an easy a but his energy just translated really well on stage , he had no problem giving it his all because he essentially has no shame

so after he graduated high school he went to LA to try and make it , blessed by his mom and his stepdad’s money keeping him from starving

he had a few bit parts until he hit the jackpot with hackers in 95, which is when he started getting recognized on the street and photographed leaving bars drunk off his ass , branding him a messy party boy by the media , but he has absolutely no problem with it

personality

malcolm is … for sure a gemini askdflj

he loves change , loves switching things up constantly because he gets bored faster than the flash can run a mile

for that reason , he’s kind of a terrible boyfriend . not that he’d cheat or anything , but it’s hard to hold his attention and keep him in one place

he does try because he’s a very loyal person , like will for sure go to jail for you if he loves you , but it does take a lot of dedication to become someone important to him

he’s a super fun person to be around , always up for anything , doesn’t stay in a bad mood for too long ( partly because he has a shit memory but oh well )

but he does have his mood swings here and there , you never rly know what’s gonna set him off , he could be laughing one minute and then throwing things at a wall the next

should probably go to therapy again but he’d sooner eat glass

might have a partying problem but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ he’s young and famous what else can you expect

probably high 99% of the time

he likes to think he’s a bad boy but he’s a fucking sweetheart , 11/10 cries while watching kids cartoon movies , especially if they’re about dogs

speaking of which , he has an bernese mountain dog named lazlo

idk what else to add here , the backstory was pretty long so i’ll give y’all a break <3

so that’s it ! if u wanna plot ( which i would luv ) u can like this & i’ll come message u , or u can dm me here or on discord @ 𝐝𝐫. 𝐦𝐚𝐧𝐭𝐢𝐬 𝐭𝐨𝐛𝐨𝐠𝐠𝐚𝐧#9604 . can’t wait to rp with all u cuties ❤️

#( ❛ 𝐦𝐚𝐥𝐜𝐨𝐥𝐦 𝐭𝐨𝐫𝐫𝐚𝐧𝐜𝐞 | INTRO . )#97:intro #tw: drugs

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awanderingdeal · 3 years

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Summer camp AU - Chapter 5 - Remus

Finally an update to this! I found this chapter super hard to write for some reason. I hope you enjoy it!

CW: Food, implications of past toxic family relationships

Fic Rating: T

Please message me if you feel that any content warnings need to be added or the rating is not appropriate.

The characters in this fic belong to @lumosinlove and you should definitely go and check out her fics!

For previous and future chapters please see my masterlist

Remus moved tentatively as he climbed over Sirius, doing his best not to wake the other man. He wasn’t quite sure when Sirius had arrived, a vague memory of a muttered apology sometime during the early hours of morning surfacing, but he’d been asleep and barely registered it. He huffed a laugh at how Sirius had burrowed himself under the sheets, his inky black hair the only thing visible. The bed really wasn’t big enough for the two of them, and as much as Remus loved Sirius, his boyfriend leaked heat like a furnace. Still, soon the campers would be here and the two of them would have to set an example by not sneaking into one another’s accommodation so Remus savoured the company whilst he had it.

The air had already started to hold a damp heat when Remus stepped out, despite the amber hues of sunrise barely having lifted. A sweet breeze gave some welcome relief as he picked up a steady job, his muscles slowly waking to the chirping chorus of birds he couldn’t identify even with their daily meetings. Remus almost missed the flash of red hair hidden behind a tall pine tree, except for the hushed laugh that drags his attention away from a feisty squirrel he’d paused to watch. He rolls his eyes at the couple, an act he acknowledges is highly hypocritical considering the origins of his own relationship. The two kissed again, drawing the owner of the rough laughter into view and Remus startled. He peered closer, confirming his first observation - that was Kasey Winter, but the person he was with was most definitely not Natalie Darcy, Kasey’s girlfriend. Ordinarily, Remus would pretend he hadn’t witnessed anything, writing the situation off as none of his business, only both Kasey and Natalie were good friends of his. He pushed the dilemma to the back of his mind for now and pressed on with his run.

The work day had seemed unusually long, Remus learning the cruel lesson that even the most adored job became tiresome when you wanted to be somewhere else. Placing the final package of dressings in their drawer, Remus ticked the item off his checklist with a flourish. He looked around the nurses station, giving a satisfied nod and a self congratulatory smile; the place was really starting to come together. Now that he was finished for the day, Remus rolled his shoulders, letting himself relax.

Without the distraction of inventories and paperwork, Remus’ mind wandered to thoughts of Sirius. A phone call from a panicked parent needing reassurance the camp could, in fact, accommodate her child’s allergies had lasted long enough to result in him taking a late lunch, so Remus hadn't had a chance to talk to his boyfriend all day. He knew he could find Sirius in the drama studio, his phone having buzzed earlier with a message informing him of the fact Sirius would be there for the entire afternoon, only he didn’t want to alienate him from the other counsellors by spending all their time together. Traipsing back to the cabin to change out of his uniform, Remus shook off the doubt. There was a time for balance, but it wasn’t the day after your boyfriend reunited with their sibling after years apart.

Both Sirius and Heather jumped at Remus’s knock on the heavy wooden doorframe, the pair deep in conversation. “Oh, I believe that is my cue to leave,” Heather smiled, the expression settling something in Remus he hadn’t even realised needed settling.

“Thanks for all your help today, Heather.” Sirius accepted the broom she handed to him. “Both with this,” he continued, gesturing to the room around him, “and for the advice. You should consider a career as a therapist. Trust me, I should know.”

“Here I was antagonising over my future and Mr Sirius Black solved it in one afternoon,” Heather laughed, sticking her tongue out playfully. “It was no problem, way better than sorting out the games’ equipment shed, anyway. I can’t wait to see what your tiny theatre kids do in here.”

“They’re not tiny, they’re middle schoolers.”

“Exactly, middle schoolers. Tiny,” Remus agreed, stepping into the studio. It smelt of polish and other than a pile in the centre of the floor, any evidence of the years worth of dust that had been allowed to gather was gone.

“The key is not to let them know you think that,” Heather winked.

“This isn’t my first year, you know,” Sirius grumbled, his accent thickening the way it always did when he was even mildly inconvenienced, “Get out of here,” he shooed Heather off. “And talk to June! I definitely saw heart eyes this morning.”

“Well then, you need your eyes testing,” Heather retorted, leaving with a raised eyebrow and a peppy wave.

"Bonjour, mon loup,” Sirius sang, gathering Remus in his arms. At 5”11, Remus wasn’t even short, but Sirius could still easily prop his chin on the top of his head, albeit only briefly. A short breath of air left Sirius’ mouth, almost but not quite a laugh, and Remus found his chin being lifted for a kiss. "Come on, let's go and sit by the lake. I'll tell you everything."

Remus schooled his expression into the most innocent he could manage. "I was just going to ask how your day was."

"Sure." Sirius laughed properly now, the both of them stumbling slightly as he tried to nudge Remus' shoulder. "You're practically vibrating. Thought I was supposed to be the intense one?

“Sometimes it’s my turn,” Remus smirked, pointing out a large, flat rock in the distance that seemed like an ideal sitting place. Sirius nodded, letting Remus guide their slight change in trajectory to head towards it. “You know, you don’t have to tell me anything if you don’t want to. I will always be interested in your life, but if you want this to stay between you and Regulus then I completely understand.”

Sirius flicked his gaze over to Remus briefly, the smile soft on his face. It reminded Remus of when they had still been dancing around one another. Long evening walks where their hands would brush, just barely. Looking back, he didn’t know how they had lasted so long before that almost inevitable kiss. One thunderstorm and two leaking roofs, that was all it had taken in the end. “I know,” Sirius shrugged. Those were the last words he said until they reached the low slab, a once rugged thing that had been smoothed out by a lifetime of exposure. Remus thought there must be something poetic in it, but he was too tired to figure it out.

The quiet lasted long enough for Remus to figure Sirius had changed his mind, playing their hands together as they looked out onto the water.

“They live in California now, they’re here to teach archery and they are non - binary,” Sirius breathed out the sentence, the words blending together and his accent thick, but Remus was practised enough to decipher them.

“California? That’s a long way from Montreal -” Remus toyed with the sleeve of Sirius’ t-shirt. “ - How’d they end up there?”

Sirius' face crumpled a little, quickly gathering himself. “They were staying with a friend of our family’s there, Severus. He always seemed nice, nicer than the rest of their crowd anyway, but it turns out he’s no different to the rest of them. Regulus is trying to get out of there.” A sheepish smile spread over Sirius’ face. “I might have invited him to live with us. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I should have asked first. They were just so worried and -”

“Hey,” Remus squeezed Sirius's hand. “I’m not going to pretend that a consultation wouldn’t have been nice, but it’s your house -”

“It’s our house,” Sirius frowned.

"The house was bought with your money and I can completely understand and appreciate why you offer a roof over your sibling's head without question."

Sirius played with the necklace, a silver lion, hanging around his throat. Remus lifted his hand to touch its twin, draped around his own neck. "Just like that? Even though I've spent every mention of them detailing how much they had hurt me?"

Turning to face Sirius more surely, Remus gave a comforting smile. "Do you trust them?"

There was a brief pause, but the "yes" that followed was sure and confident.

"That's good enough for me," Remus said. "Shall we go and join everybody for dinner? There's apple pie tonight."

Dinner ended up being the usual ruckus that Remus had become re-accustomed to over the past few days. He loved the way the dining room thrummed with the same energy that radiated throughout meals with his own family. Thomas and James' dares grew more and more ridiculous until Sergei barked at them that he wouldn’t allow them any more BBQ if they did not calm down.

“ -Yeah, so ma Maman had to come and collect me. I think I lasted 5 hours,” Jackson finished his grandiose retelling of his first experience at camp.”

“Nado!” Evgeni set his glass down with a heavy thud. Remus had learned the tall Russian man had the gentlest of spirits, but grace was not an attribute he possessed in large amounts. “Why you go to horse camp if scared of horses?”

“I was 8,” Jackson argued. “I had never seen a horse in real life. It just looked fun.”

Once the rippling laughter dissipated, the conversation evolved into useful hints of tips from those of them that weren’t new on how to handle similar situations with their own campers.

“Hey, Katie,” Remus leaned over Sirius to address the youngest of the Dumais’. She had only arrived yesterday along with her siblings and Sergei’s wife and children, but she’d made herself right at home, squeezing herself between Sirius and Logan, who she had declared her favourite, instead of joining the rest of her family at their table. “Can I steal Sirius please? I need to show him something.”

“It’s time for Katie to go with Anya back to our cabins,” Celeste interrupted. “Viens, ma chérie. Tu peux revenir demain matin.” Katie left with a pout to a round of goodbyes.

“What did you want to show me, mon loup?” Sirius cocked his head curiously.

“Nothing,” Remus admitted sheepishly. “I just wanted to get a good spot under the pavilion before everybody else finishes and comes outside.” Sirius rolled his eyes, letting Remus tug him into a standing position. During camp, the small structure would serve as a meeting point and could fit a dozen or so people in when they were standing, but it was pretty full with Sirius’ 6 foot 3 form sprawled across it, there wasn’t much space for anybody else, and this was Remus’ favourite spot. He could lie under the shelter, a little less exposed to the biting insects that seemed to love him so much and still see everybody on the green around them.

Soon, the space would be filled with eager children, and Remus would be constantly poised to treat the next ailment, but at the moment, he was content to watch this year's counsellors get to know one another better. He was an old hand at this now, however, he could remember the bristling excitement as his first training week had drawn to a close, the knowledge that he was soon to be responsible for people who didn't seem all that much younger than he was, both terrifying and exhilarating.

The sky had been threatening rain for hours now, and it finally fulfilled its promise.

“My hair!” Finn’s screech broke through the chorus of rain. The blonde boy, something in the back of Remus’ brain supplied him with the name Leo, immediately tucked Finn against his side, throwing his jacket over his head. Remus wasn’t sure whether their shaking was as a result of the damp seeping through their clothes or the pair’s laughter.

Remus had always enjoyed people watching, noticing the subtle intricacies of human behaviour when they didn’t realise you were looking, so he caught Leo’s small glance up at Logan just before he put some space between himself and Finn.

Finn wasn’t having any of it though, dragging Leo back to him, attempting to get the small jacket over the top of the both of them.

"Do you see that?" Remus lifted his shoulder, jostling Sirius slightly.

Sirius grunted, the annoying chime of the game he was playing sounding loudly as he progressed to another level. Remus had given up on complaining, and the repetitive nature of swiping candies across the screen seemed to relax Sirius more than it bothered Remus. "See what?"

Leo was standing now, his t-shirt soaked through and his hair plastered against his face in damp strands. Remus couldn't quite work out what he spluttered before walking off with long, quick strides, one last quick look at Logan as he went.

"There's something going on there,' Remus hummed.

"Stop meddling," Sirius laughed.

"I'm not meddling!"

Sirius turned a raised eyebrow on Remus and tucked his phone into the pocket of his jacket before pulling them both down so they lay on their backs. "Listen. I love the sound of the rain."

Remus knew he was being distracted, but the thudding rhythm of heavy droplets against the wooden slats of the rood was incredibly relaxing. Or at least it was until the sheeting downpour didn't stop and they had to dart through it, laughter heaving in their chests to meet the others in the large hall. Celeste sighed, bundling towels into their hands to dry off.

"Nice of you to join us, gentlemen," Dumo said, a guitar propped in his lap. "Take a seat. We were just about to teach our newcomers a few campfire songs. Sans the fire, of course. As two of our most experienced, maybe you could lead?”

“Je te hais,” Sirius grumbled.

Dumo ignored the declaration, and once they were seated he smiled. “Perhaps we will start with Everywhere we go?”

Despite an early reluctance from Sirius the sounds of the song were soon echoing off the walls, the group of counsellors enthusiastically answering Sirius’ calls.

Everywhere we go

People always ask us

Who we are

And where we come from

So we tell them

We’re the Lions

The mighty mighty Lions

And if they can’t hear us

We shout a little louder

We shout a little louder!

Dumo was lenient, taking over leading them through a few more songs himself until he faked a large yawn. “Well, it’s bed time for me. I’ll leave the guitar for anybody who wants to play. And remember, no matter how much we try to teach our campers such fun songs, they’d rather learn whatever routine is popular on Tip Top or whatever that thing is called, so be prepared!”

Logan commandeered the guitar quickly, holding it strong against his thigh and strumming it with a relaxed ease Remus wasn't sure he'd seen in the man before. He played through a few songs, others slowly filtering out as time went by until only a handful of people remained.

“Do my song, please?” Finn asked, eyes wide and pleading.

Logan shook his head, “Not here.”

Finn’s lower lip dropped into a pout and Remus saw the exact moment Logan succumbed to the expression. Remus didn’t blame him at all, Finn’s face bore an eerie resemblance to Bambi and only a monster could deny it.

“Fine.”

The slow chords started and the room quieted as Logan began to sing. It was more romantic than Remus had expected from the younger man.

And you can tell everybody

This is your song

It may be quite simple, but now that it's done

I hope you don't mind

That I put down in the words

How wonderful life is while you're in the world.

Logan and Finn were so invested in one another that Remus wasn’t sure they noticed Leo slipping quietly from the room.

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bakingandbooks3 · 3 years

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Hold My Girl

For @sayosdreams, I hope you like it <3

Nesta has never been the party person, and never would be. She had her people, friends from law school, and family, but parties weren’t her scene. Especially after a day like today.

Nesta woke up with the pit in her stomach, again, and knew that today would not be good. She tried to do her comfort routine: go on a run, take a long hot shower, cuddle Ivy (her kitten), and do anything to take her mind off the nothingness.

It didn’t work.

She had started seeing a therapist a few years back, trying to finally come to terms with her past and childhood. Her weekly sessions started after a bad experience on a drunken night when she realized that the path she was on wasn’t what she wanted in life. The partying, the drinking, the hangover after.

Her younger married sister had other thoughts.

“Oh come on Nessie, you never come out anymore! Please, it’s just one night out and all of us will be there. Me, Rhys, Mo-”

“Feyre, what part of no do you not get? I’m not in the mood to go out, I don’t feel good and can barely keep food down as it is. I don’t need you and your husband making eyes at each other all night to compromise that.”

“Well damn, Nesta, you don’t have to be so rude about it. You never come out anymore and we miss you, can you seriously not handle one night of fun? I mean, come on, stop neglecting us and-”

Nesta pulled her ear away and ended the call, she didn’t need to hear what came next. The routine never died; Feyre would try to guilt-trip Nesta and Nesta would stand her ground, while wallowing in her own despair.

The neon-lit clock on the edge of her kitchen island read a quarter past eight. Too early to sleep and too late to be productive.

Nesta’s health mentally hadn’t been in a good place for a long time, since her parent’s deaths and the… accident not too long after. Yes, she might’ve been one of the top students in law, proving to be a formidable future lawyer, but she was empty. Waking up was not just opening her eyes, it was pulling herself out of a grave and struggling through her day. Nesta would eat hardly anything and could barely keep her eyes open.

So, when therapy started she tried her best. The steps were small, but steps all the same; eating a full meal, writing down the positives in her day, putting away the bottles for more than 12 hours. Unlike her sister, Nesta was never one to boast of her accomplishments. Nesta had been fighting the fight of her life and was starting to see the end. But, to get further sometimes you have to take a small step back.

Today she went back a bit.

She could hear her sister blowing up her phone, most likely angry texts harassing her, but Nesta knew better than to leave the phone completely. She settled on putting Feyre on silent, thinking about how nice life would be if the human Feyre had a silent button.

Drowned in her thoughts, sitting at the kitchen island Nesta picked at her food. It was half-eaten, but that was better than she thought she could do. She picked up the plate and put it in the fridge making her way to the bedroom up the stairs, after checking her door was locked.

She pulled herself underneath the covers and nuzzled up between the duvet and weighted blanket she had sprawled on the massive bed. Nesta liked her house cold and her blankets stacked, it was cozy for her and made it easier to sleep.

Nesta didn’t turn or spook when she heard the keys in the front door, she already knew the only person with the second set. He’d probably shown up to the bar where Feyre was at and realized she wasn’t there. How quick he was to change his plans.

Cassian loved a lot of things about Nesta, her storm-struck eyes, the small laugh she made at his god-awful jokes, her devotion. It was hard not to love all that, too bad people were intimidated by the rough exterior to see what was underneath. He loved his friends, but he knew them too well- Nesta wasn’t like them and was pushed aside because she wouldn’t bend to their mold. He knew that there was more behind it than just resilience, but he also knew better than to push it.

They had started seeing each other not long ago, about two months at most. Nesta didn’t want to move fast at all, but Cassian understood. He was patient, and even though he was more than ready to make things official, he gave her the time she needed.

When he told her that he wanted her after a long night of arguing about some stupid mishap, she told him where she was. The bareness, the vulnerability, it just made Cassian's thoughts more clear, the words ringing in his head again.

“Cassian, I’m not doing good. I haven’t been for a while, and I don’t know if I will be for a long time. I’m trying my best, to be a good sister, a good friend, but your… people are overwhelming me. I’m not asking you to choose between me and them, I would never. I just want you to understand that sometimes I can’t be around you all together, it’ll break what I’ve worked so hard to make of myself.”

He didn’t have any idea how bad it was until then, and he couldn’t believe how calm she was. Where he was a burning flame that kept her warm, she was the waves that covered him in peace.

Cassian knew it was one of those days and had seen her little signs; the porch light wasn’t on, her bookmark was away from her book, and Ivy wasn’t curled up with Nesta but just waiting at the door. So, he took off his shoes by the door, and picked up Ivy, kissing her nose and taking her upstairs with him.

He found Nesta in her bed, curled up underneath her millions of blankets, and couldn’t help but think how precious she was.

“Hi, Cas.”

“Hi beautiful, can I sit?”

The blankets ruffled a bit and a muffled “sure” came out.

He put Ivy by Nesta’s head and pulled himself under some of the covers, careful not to invade Nesta’s space. He knew that when she wanted him close she would say something.

It felt like hours he just sat there, looking at the walls in her room and this place that was so hers, when she finally turned and laid her head in his lap.

“Hi again.”

“Hi, again Nesta.” He chuckled.

She burrowed deeper, hiding her blushing face, “I’m sorry for not going out tonight, I don’t feel good.” He could feel how bad she felt and he couldn’t pinpoint if it was guilt for not going or guilt for him coming and leaving his friends.

“Sweetheart, it’s okay. I already told them I wasn’t going tonight because I had plans to come see you, but I just told them I had work to do. Don’t feel bad, I wanted to be here and spend time with you, even if you don’t feel the best.”

“I know, Cas, I do. I just… I don't feel good today. It’s been tough.”

Cassian knew this was her way of letting him know to be near. He picked her head up off his lap and gave her a quick kiss on the forehead before pushing her back to her own side. Pulling up the covers for her to come closer, she dove into his arms and curled up into his chest like little Ivy, who was asleep at the end of the bed. With Nesta in his arms and the world asleep outside, he knew this is what he wanted.

Nesta wasn’t saying much but she was grateful she didn’t have to. It had taken them a while to get here, to get Cassian to understand her and what was going on. He was quick-tempered at first, but over time grew more patient and soft with every passing day. Nesta knew that his efforts were building the foundation of something more than what they were now, but he wouldn’t push it, he’d hold back for her as long as she needed. Nesta was falling for him, and although she was scared to admit it with every passing day he made her feel more and more like she was doing the right thing. Being his was easy.

Not long after she began to lay in his arms Nesta fell asleep. The relief Cassian felt was immeasurable, he knew how hard it was for her to stay asleep or even fall asleep in the first place. He took a small triumph in making her comfortable enough to sleep with him near, but would only give himself that. Nesta was not his project, or a broken toy to fix- like her sister acts like she is- and she wasn’t something to be mended. No, even though neither one of them would say it aloud, Nesta was his girl. She was more than capable of fighting her own battles, but he’d always be there to hold her hand on cloudy days.

#nessian #nesta #nesta archeron #nesta and cassian #cassian #nessian fic #acotar #acomaf #acowar #acofas #acosf #pro nesta

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