#and that dementia causes regression

[littlecryptidsystem]

friendly reminder that if you're against age regressors/pet regressors who wear pads/pull-ups/diapers then you're ableist. full stop.

#did you guys know that... #le gasp #disabled regressors exist too #and that dementia causes regression #and that there's a ton of disabilities that make it to where you need diapers #and if a regressor regresses so deeply that they need one of those then maybe you shouldn't be telling them that they're gross #age regression #sfw agere #agere #agere community #sfw age regression #sfw littlespace #petre #age regressor #sfw pet regression #pet regression sfw #pet regression #pet regressor #sfw petre #petreg #agereg

[puppys-tiny-space]

What is ageregression?

In this post I will be explaining what ageregression is, why it helps, who recommends it and in which ways it migth occur as a symptom. TW for talk of trauma, abuse, neglect and kink.

1. What is ageregression?

Ageregression is a coping mechanism or symptom usually connected to mental health issues, brain injury or dementia. It simply means that an individual acts like a younger age, usually the person reverts back to this child/childlike mindset, sometimes even on cognitive levels, cussing them to lose control over certain body functions. This can present in multiple ways, for an example in speech difference, using a pacifier, playing with toys, using/needing to use diapers or training pants etc. The amount of time reverted can be any age younger then hier biologcal one but is often 0-13.

2. What causes someone to ageregress?

Ageregression can be cause by a multitude of things, when used as a coping mechanism it is often used by individuals with childhood trauma such as abuse, neglect, sexual abuse etc. Those individuals can use it as a means to relieve their childhood in a happier way or to recreate a time in which they felt safer. Ageregression can also be caused by mental health disorders like (c-)ptsd, bpd, bipolar, anxiety, depression and DID. There are also certain other neurological reasons to experince ageregression like dementia and long term effects of neurological injuries. Disabled people migth also regress to relive an accomidaten childhood.

3. Who recommends agere, how is it used?

A majority of mental health professionals reccomend regression as a means to self regulate, even for those without "typical" childhoods to suggest it. It is a common symptom of a multitude of preexisting mental health struggled and embracing it can often immensely help patients struggling with it naturally. Ageregression is often used as a coping mechanism from patients on their own but in some cases is also used within a therapeutic setting to work with a patients inner child or as a form of hypnotherapy.

4. Is ageregression the same as ageplay?

No it is not! From the outside it migth seem that way and while they do have a few similarites but ageregression is not sexual! Due to it often being a way to cope with trauma individuals may struggle with unwanted intrusive thougths when regressed but those are not a reflection of the persons desires! Ageplay is a kink with power dynamics and power exchange, while soem do use it as a coping mechanism it is not the same as ageregression and should be kept seperate from each other at all times! An ageplay er is not literally reffering back to a child/childlike mindset when engaging in sexual acts, they are simply pretending! Never ever try to be sexual with a regressor, they are most likely in the mindset of an actual kid!

5. How can I help someone who regresses?

If you know someone who regresses or want to try it yourself the best you can do is talk with them! See how they want to be treated and how they want you to treat the topic, they migth appreciate being able to share that part of them with someone but it could also be that they do not wish to and want to keep it private. Some regressors have a person in their life to help care for then when regressed, that person is usually called a caregiver and acts as a sort of parental role when the person is within that headspace, it can be anyone from a friend, romantic partner or even relative. If the person trust you and you would feel like you mfoth benefit from caring for someone you can suggest taking over that role from them! No matter what you do never shame then for it or sexualize them, try to understand them and why they chose to heal this way.

6. My child regresses, what do I do?

First like I mentioned above, do not shame them! Do not get angry and ground yourself before talking to them, your past behaviour migth be reason they regress and it migth not be. Calmly talk to them about it, you can ask them why they regress and if you should have done things differently whne they were younger, do not yell ro tell them to grow up! Simply listen and offer support however that migth look like, it could be simply letting them be!

7. What do all the terms mean?

Agere = Ageregression

Regressor/little = someone who regresses

CG = someone caring for a regressed person

Agedre = agedreaming or half regression

Age range = the ages someone regresses to

Headspace = someone's regression

paci = a pacifier

sibby = another regressor someone has a close, sibling like, relationship to

This post is meant as a tool to explain regression to those outside of the community including friends, parents, romantic partners and anyone you want to educate about it! It is quiet surface level in some parts so if you tell sowmeoem ans they have more questions you feel overwhelmed to answer feel free to dm me.

This post is a bit different to my usual things, I hope you like it!

#agere post #ageregression #boyre #noncom agere #agere education #boy regression #boy regressor #agere blog #agere community #noncom regressor #non community little #agere little #sfw agere #age regressor #agedre community #sfw agedre #agedre blog #age regression #agere boy #safe agere #petre community #pet regression #petre positivity #agere #agere caregiver #autistic carer #caregiver #agere cg

[sirenjose]

Analysis of Galatea Claude (+ Holloway Sanatorium Theory)

Holloway could be where Simon was sent following his accident. His trailer did mention “sanatorium”, which is the term used in the CN and JP versions of Annie’s letter, while the English version of Annie’s letter calls it a “nursing home”, which matches with the term used regarding where Simon was sent in Lily’s deductions and backstory.

Simon and Lily, as part of the Barriere family, would be part of the middle/upper class and thus would qualify for the Holloway Sanatorium.

Also, as Simon was said to have suffered “severe brain and body trauma, becoming paraplegic, mentally regressed to a toddler, demented, and unable to speak”, this could match with how Holloway Sanatorium was said to care for those with mental health problems and learning disabilities. With this facility being for the upper class, that could also explain why Lily needs a lot of money for Simon’s medical bills, especially as, unlike Annie, Simon wouldn’t be in the “temporary ward”. He’d be long-term.

I know some have said Simon could’ve actually been sent to White Sand Street Asylum, in part due to Galatea appearing during Lily’s trailer while Lily was visiting her brother.

Holloway Sanatorium was built by Thomas Holloway as an asylum for the mentally ill in Surrey. They used the name “sanatorium” instead of asylum due to the “stigma attached to being admitted to an asylum”.

So it technically is an asylum, just with emphasis on those who were better-off.

It was said “it was for a superior kind of inmate, somewhere between those who had only small means, and those who were more comfortably off but who could not have afforded the luxury of individual private care (although private rooms were also provided here). The original purpose was to cater for ‘200 patients, divided into four classes, 1st, 2nd, sick and feeble, and excited. All day-rooms, dormitories and single rooms had a south and south-western aspect. Attendants’ rooms were placed between day-rooms and dormitories with a glass window or doors of communication that allowed them to keep the patients under observation’”.

In its first year, 73 patients were admitted, whose primary diagnoses included anxiety, melancholia, mania and dementia. Some patients worked in the gardens or farm, or in indoor domestic work, while during leisure they could stroll through the grounds, or play tennis, croquet, or cricket.

In 1888, “gentlewomen” were the largest number admitted “a category made up of unmarried women of a good class, but perhaps without much in the way of financial resources”. In 1892, it had 615 patients being treated for insanity caused by “domestic and business troubles, worry and overwork”. Other reasons given were “influenza, drink, nervous shock and sunstroke”.

This would at least connect to and explain Annie being there (the large number of females, the mention of causes being worry, and for women of good class but without much in the way of financial resources). Simon could also fit based on his own mental and bodily issues.

But I wanted to also bring up the idea its possible Galatea could’ve been sent here for a time too.

Galatea was born to the Claudes, who are described as a “family of artists”, and we see in Galatea’s 1st deduction that she got started as a sculptor and displaying her skill from an early age.

We see she progresses quite quickly according to her 2nd deduction, which mentions her surpassing (likely her teacher’s) expectations and who wants to bring Galatea to Paris or Florence for the better “artistic atmosphere” and “expand her vision and benefit her artistic cultivation”.

Unfortunately, when Galatea was 18, she was diagnosed with dwarfism.

We know the Sanatorium was primarily for those with mental issues. Galatea’s 3rd deduction does have a doctor mentioning her having a “rare illness” that will cause her “serious challenges to her physically and mentally” in the long term. So maybe she could’ve been sent there right before and for a time after her diagnosis.

Dwarfism doesn’t typically affect a person’s intellectual ability. Those with dwarfism mostly all have normal intellectual capacities, but this is during the Victorian era, when these sorts of issues weren’t as well understood. In the Victorian era, they commonly associated physical differences or disabilities with intellectual or mental impairment and could be subjected to prejudices or discriminatory treatment. People with these sort of disabilities were seen as defective back then, with their issues believed to affect their ability to work and even their morals (due to the belief physical appearance was believed to reveal a person’s moral compass and chances at success).

This would actually connect to Galatea’s deduction 4, where we see someone saying about Galatea that “tangible beauty is out of her reach. She’s just a ‘child’ after all”. This shows that people thought Galatea as someone stuck, physically and mentally, as a “child”, which connects to how this deduction also talks about the “price of being ‘naïve’”.

Along this same line, Galatea’s 5th deduction, likely by her teacher again, says that Galatea was unable to “adapt to her new life in Florence”. Her teacher believes the reason for this is because Galatea is “still too immature, both physically and mentally”, before saying she may need a “change of environment to stimulate her talent once more”.

This again proves people saw Galatea’s dwarfism as affecting/stunting her mentally, not just physically.

Besides this, regarding Galatea’s inability to “adapt” should refer to how her backstory says “she realized that her soul would be imprisoned in this young girl's shell forever, and she fell into endless resentment. In anger, her creativity also entered a bottleneck period”. This creative “bottleneck” is why Galatea’s teacher suggests she change environment to “stimulate her talent once more”.

Dwarfism shouldn’t actually have any affect on Galatea’s ability to sculpt, so as we see this bottleneck was created by Galatea’s own feelings rather than any inability. Galatea was frustrated at the fact she’d forever remain looking like a child. Despite how mature she actually was, she would only ever been seen as a child, when she wanted to be viewed as equals and an adult. This belief that Galatea was only a child would also mean Galatea wouldn’t be taken as seriously. They would only ever focus on the fact that she was “defective”. Despite how vast her creativity or imagination was, or how great her mind was, Galatea was stuck on the fact she would forever be “imprisoned in this young girl’s shell”.

This connects to how Galatea is stated to like “beautiful, mature women”, something she wants to be and dreams about, but is unfortunately hampered by her being “imprisoned” in her current body due to her condition.

This was before Galatea gained her self-confidence. After her diagnosis, she possibly had a fair amount of self-doubt, as well as may have lacked proper support, not to mention felt the weight of how everyone around her saw her as basically less than she was due to her issue.

These were the things hampering Galatea’s ability to create. She was likely unable to focus on anything besides her issue and how people treated her as a result (which could also imply she did lack support and/or didn’t even have a sympathetic ear to listen to her feelings).

It was around this time that Galatea was said to have received an invitation from a “mysterious wealthy businessman” who “invited her to go to his home to make a statue for him”. This relates to Galatea’s deduction 6, which lists one of the envelopes as being a “check signed by Baron DeRoss”.

When she returned from this appointment, she came back “bursting with strong creative desire and dazzling sculpting talent, as if she was a different person”.

Galatea’s 3rd letter is likely a description of what she did for Baron DeRoss during this time.

The task he assigned her was to restore a “collection of sculptures dedicated to the Muses”. They were made using a technique that Galatea had imitated during her studies in Florence to “produce a number of animal sculptures”. 1 of these animal sculptures she made was mentioned in her 1st letter to be a “bird” she describes as “imprisoned in stone”.

The reason she describes it that way is to parallel herself. She is also someone “imprisoned” in a body that won’t change, just like stone. It is possible these animal sculptures were the ones she created during her “bottleneck” while she was still consumed by her “resentment” and frustration over her condition.

Her deduction 6 says there are several envelopes that had an “incomplete wax seal that seems to be part of a fern pattern”, which means they came from Oletus Manor and thus that Galatea and Baron DeRoss had more correspondence between each other before Galatea got the invitation and went to the manor. It is possible it was during this correspondence, before she got an invitation, that she sent him the bird sculpture. It’d fit with how Galatea was at that time before the trip to Baron DeRoss’ manor, as she describes the bird as “A meaningless, disorderly, insignificant work of which the spirit gradually died”, which relates to Galatea’s creative bottleneck while she was still consumed by resentment and frustration. This would explain how Baron DeRoss could’ve noticed how Galatea used the same technique as creator of the muse statues, and that would be why he invited her. This would also explain why Galatea says in her 1st letter that “when I see it again” (referring to the bird) she “destroyed it”. She made the bird, then sent it to Baron DeRoss, then when she was invited and went to his manor, she saw it again, and after seeing and studying the Muse statues, she decided to destroy the bird she made.

Unfortunately, we don’t know for sure yet who the creator of the muse statues was, the one who is described as “not a world-renowned sculptor” but was “a genius favored by art yet scorned by fate, has long since returned to ash, the tragic victim of a vicious fire”.

Although, Alice during Ashes of Memory 1 does say “These sculptures are mechanisms designed by Mr. Lapadura, and all the doors in this manor can be opened with the nightingale’s song”, though we know he has not died in a fire yet, as Burke is at least around through game 10 (with Tracy, Luca, Charles, and Bonbon). That could mean Burke may have modified the sculptures to have the mechanisms used to open the secret doors in the manor, but may not have been the one to actually sculpt them. He just designed the “mechanisms” in them.

While at the manor, Galatea studies the Muse statues and spends “an inordinate amount of time on my task, far more than necessary” due to making “a number of discoveries, ones that were not mentioned to me before”. As for the discoveries Galatea refers to, one of them is how there are “two genuine sculptures of the Muse Terpsichore in different poses”, while the 2nd discovery was “a near-perfect counterfeit of Calliope”.

Regarding Terpsichore, Galatea says it is rare to see 2 of the same figure in 1 set, and generally only happens when “a piece is lost during the sculpting process, forcing the artist to complete the original set with a new replacement”.

As for Calliope, Galatea initially says she has an “imperfection… left by her creator” before then commenting “Perhaps it isn't an imperfection at all, but an incomplete section of the sculpture? Much like the words written on the counterfeit's back (which have been rubbed away), perhaps it's simply waiting for the artist to return and finish what was started”. Galatea states Baron DeRoss needs to make a decision regarding it, likely regarding what to do or whether to complete the “incomplete section of the sculpture”. It is when he makes this decision Galatea feels she’ll return to the manor to “ensure that she is made whole”.

Besides that 1 incomplete section, Galatea finishes “restoring” what she can of the other statues. This is likely happening around the time Baron DeRoss (Orpheus) is restoring the rest of the manor and its grounds after he took over (after the manor had been ruined following the DeRoss tragedy when Alice’s parents were killed). Galatea obviously becomes obsessed over those statues and completing the one imperfection of the near-perfect counterfeit of Calliope. This could tie to how Galatea in her 1st letter says she “used to pursue the praise of fools. But now I don't have time to care for such trivial matters”, which fits with how we know Galatea is an “obsessed and crazy perfectionist” based on her design notes.

It is because of this trip that Galatea in her 1st letter talks about learning of the “fragile existence of the body itself” as well as “heard the divine birth of a sculpture” and the “truth of art breaking out of its shell”. This connects to the bird, which she described as “imprisoned in stone”, and to Galatea herself, and could relate to her now thinking about how to essentially break it and herself out of their “imprisonment”. This could tie to how the design notes say her goal is to “create a most perfect self” and how she “immerses herself as her own creation when sculpting”.

Her condition at first had made it seem like her goal would be “impossible to reach in her life” due to the “sick joke destiny played on her”. She saw herself and her creations as “ordinary”, “imperfect”, and “unable to be loved”. This realization, once she heard her diagnosis, caused her to be consumed by “hate, rage, and madness”. After her trip to the manor, working to restore the Muse statues, Galatea now had her own “muse” and a strong desire (due to her perfectionism) to come back to the manor so she could complete Calliope.

The experience changed her. Especially with all the time she had to think, I believe this helped rebuild her confidence and erase whatever self-doubts she had, with the help of her fixation on her goals, allowing her to break free of her earlier creative bottleneck. Rather than Galatea suddenly having so much new talent after her trip, I believe it was talent she already had but couldn’t access due until she broke free of the psychological chains created by herself and others due to their views regarding her condition.

She returns to Florence from Oletus Manor, eventually telling her father that “I’ve learned so much more from this trip than when I was in Florence previously”. As a result of what she’s learned, she tells him that she has “decided to end my study here and return home soon” and to reserve “side hall in the annex for my creative purposes”, making it clear she’s gotten past her bottleneck. We know from Galatea’s backstory that her family were initially “very happy” at her change and talent.

Some time later, we know from Galatea’s 8th deduction that she received “Volume 10 of Ovid's The Metamorphoses”. Based on the stamp with a fern pattern, this means this book came from Baron DeRoss. In Book 10 of Ovid’s The Metamorphoses are a number of stories, including the tale of Orpheus and Eurydice as well as the tale of Pygmalion and the Statue.

In this book, Pygmalion’s story is sung by Orpheus after he loses Eurydice the 2nd time. Pygmalion was a king of Cyprus who swore off women after seeing the vices of some (the Propoitides who had become prostitutes) that lead shameful lives. Instead, he devoted himself to art and sculpted a statue out of ivory of what he felt was the ideal women. He ended up falling in love with his creation (that he’d poured his heart and soul into) due to its beauty. Pygmalion named the statue Galatea and treated it like a real woman. When Aphrodite’s festival day comes, he prayed to her, asking for a wife like his statue, and the goddess brings the statue itself to life, which Pygmalion marries.

This connects very well to Galatea’s accessory Marble Bust, which has the description “It's a shame that it will never be real”.

Pygmalion wanted to create the ideal women after seeing the shameful lives some lived. To Galatea, her current condition is like the shameful women, and like how Pygmalion wanted to create an image of the ideal woman in response, Galatea’s goal is to create a perfect version of herself in response to her diagnosis. We know she works on this upon returning to her parents’ home as Galatea’s deduction 9 is about a “sculpture of a female named ‘Galatea’” that demonstrated Galatea’s “delicate” technique but also displayed the ideal version of herself based on the description of the “elegant curves of the body and tension of life bursting out of it will make it difficult to look away”. Deduction 9 is titled “Effect of Anticipation: You will become the most perfect creation”.

Galatea was finally received admiration and acclaim, as the review sates “the Claude's upcoming star is rising again” but as we heard in Galatea’s 1st letter, she no longer cares about the “praise of fools”, instead describing it as “trivial matters”. All that matters is creating her masterpiece, the image of what Galatea imagines her “perfect self” to look like.

She becomes obsessed with it just like how Pygmalion fell in love with his own creation. Her backstory states her parents noticed she spent more and more time in her work room, to the point she neglected eating and drinking. Her parents became even more concerned when they noticed she “often talked to the statues, as if they were alive”.

This is just like how Pygmalion treated his statue like a real woman before Aphrodite made it real.

This continued until one day, seeing Galatea talking to her statue again, Galatea’s father threw it off the terrace in a fit of range. Unexpectedly for him, Galatea jumps after it “without hesitation”. This connects to Galatea’s deduction 10, which describes the “Broken pieces of plaster scattered all over the floor” of Galatea’s sculpture, the image Galatea created of her “perfect self”.

It is said there were pieces for everything except the head. This could mean Galatea hadn’t finished her creation yet, and still needed to complete the head before her father destroyed the statue.

Galatea as a result of her jumping off the terrace after her creation becomes hemiplegic (paralyzed). This incident also results in Galatea’s parents deciding their daughter was crazy and thus sent her to an asylum, where they used “various inhuman ‘treatment methods’ on Galatea, but her condition did not improve”.

Galatea seems to have eventually ended up at White Sand Street Asylum based on the existence of the headless statue from that trailer appearing in 1 of the cells of White Sand Street Asylum in game.

I think it’s possible Galatea could’ve been at Holloway Sanatorium at least temporarily (then transferred later to White Sand Street Asylum when Galatea’s madness worsened. Or maybe she was here before her trip to the DeRoss manor, as people saw dwarfism as something that also affected a person’s mental abilities, though I prefer the idea that she at least could’ve been at Holloway first then transferred to White Sand later if anything).

We know Galatea was restrained eventually and put in what looks like a cell based on her trailer.

Holloway Sanatorium did have and employ physical restraints, such as straps and jackets, such as to stop patients from injuring themselves or others. Back then, it was more commonly utilized than it is today (not until the 1950s that it was limited to unless a patient was brought in by the police). Seclusion was another form of restraint, with patients confined to ‘strong rooms’ which contained only a bed, chair, and small table.  There were four protected or ‘padded’ cells at Holloway, 2 in the male ward and 2 in the female one.  In these rooms, the walls were literally padded, and the floor was made from a grey, rubbery, waterproof material. A drain ran around the edge of the room.  There would be a mattress on the floor, strong canvas sheets, and a rubber pot was provided for sanitation. The ward doctor had to order a patient to be secluded, which would last from 8am to 8pm, at which point the order had to be renewed.

Holloway did also employ treatments that would be considered inhumane today, including hydrotherapy and “continuous baths,” in which the patient would sit for hours in a tub of hot water and have cold water poured over their head. We already mentioned they used physical restraints like straps, jackets, and locked gloves as well as padded rooms. They also did other things including use hypnotic/sedative drugs like chloral and sulfonal, central nervous system depressants like paraldehyde, electrotherapy, force feeding, and more.

So this would still fit the description of where Galatea was sent.

Her backstory states that she refused to communicate with living people and would carve anything she could get her hands on. In her backstory trailer, we see her carving an apple, which matches her Fleeting Beauty accessory. It then says she “always carved out the same face and named it after herself, but due to the limitation of materials, she could only carve out a head before being caught and then treated again”.

Galatea naming her masterpiece after herself once again connects back to Pygmalion naming his ideal woman Galatea as well as to how this creation is meant to be Galatea’s image of a perfect version of herself.

As we know, Galatea gradually fell into madness, and it was said she was sent to a “remote yard” with a single female nurse taking care of her. This is the same female nurse we see in Galatea’s trailer.

Holloway did at least have a courtyard, and we’ve already discussed the “strong rooms”, which could be described as “remote” and away from the majority of everything else.

When Thomas Holloway was first working to build the sanatorium, he did set out for it not to hold any that were “epileptic, paralysed or dirty” and “no patient was to remain there for more than a year, no hopeless cases were to be admitted, there was to be no readmission” though we know this rule was broken in its early years (Thomas died before the sanatorium was completed), with plenty of examples of patients that stayed more than 1 year, as well as patients that were admitted despite being described as “hopeless cases”, paralyzed, or epileptic. The Sanatorium, despite what it was built for, was primarily concerned about profit (which is why it started doing voluntary admittance to attract customers).

As for the nurse assigned to Galatea, we know Galatea kills her, then placed on her headless body (a “mature woman”) “Galatea's head, which she had sculpted countless times” to complete her “masterpiece”. After that, Galatea disappears, leaving the “blood-soaked hospital room” behind, which the building staff would later find.

We do know Galatea eventually makes her way back to Oletus Manor to attend game 0, the very first game held.

Side not regarding where Galatea was held.

During the Stormy Night Surprise anniversary event, after Succubus is arrested by Sheriff/Officer Jose, Inference goes to her later to ask about Monstrous Bird. He finds her at “an asylum reserved for the wealthy dealing with sensitive familial issues”.

 An “asylum” for the “wealthy” fits Holloway Sanatorium (with the “sensitive familial issues” tying to people sent there due to mental issues). And if Succubus was “accustomed to this kind of situation”, that could mean she’s been here before, which could leave an opening for the idea Galatea (looking at the parallels) could’ve been at a mental facility more than just the once (potentially before she was ever paralyzed?).

#idv #identity v #galatea claude #sculptor #idv galatea #identity v galatea #idv sculptor #identity v sculptor #sirenjose analyses and theories

[fala-alfredo-pasta]

I did actually have an idea for what could be a catalyst for Protag!Nagito changing his mind; Sakura. Just as her main self's determination managed to pretty much stop Class 78 actively participating in the Killing Game, what if some of Despair!Sakura's original self managed to pierce the brainwashing through sheer willpower? Not fully able to stop the compulsions Junko implanted into her, but she does become a kind of mole among the Remnants for the Class 77 survivors. Protag!Nagito realizing that if there old selves aren't completely gone, maybe the simulation idea that Gekkogahara proposed before getting shot down might not be a pipedream after all. Up until this point I picture him as being kind of a "Anti-Hero Replacement" for main Makoto. He does undergo some positive character growth and forge stronger bonds with his classmates in their Killing Game. And he does become a somewhat inspiring figure in a way the mastermind didn't intend. But it's more like the audience found his plucky determination and never-give-up attitude weirdly endearing than him being an "Ultimate Hope". And after they team up with the Future Foundation, he's a little too onboard with Munakata's brand of fighting despair. But rehabilitating the Remnants could well be the point where him and the Class 77 survivors actually do better than the Class 78 survivors in canon. Like for example, maybe Sonia decides on the location of the NWP being a secure remote area of Novoselic instead of Jabberwock Island (her homeland still being a holdout in this timeline). And insists that they fake the Remnants' death in some kind of bombing. All to ensure that the Foundation doesn't interfere with the program. And Protag!Nagito's more flawed characteristics compared to Makoto could actually become an advantage here. Like he might have an easier time relating to the Remnants post-deprogramming, with some of them feeling like they don't deserve a second chance. Plus I could actually see him clashing with Gekkogahara and insisting she come up with a method that doesn't involve amnesia. Because on top of it feeling kind of offensive after his experiences in their Killing Game and his struggles with dementia, he's just thinking "How do you think they're going to feel when they wake up from a comfy European holiday and find most of their family and friends are dead, the world is a mess, and they're the cause?!" Hell, if the Monokuma virus does happen in his timeline (not sure if Hajime/Izuru would be present or not), maybe he just drops all the bullshit. Leading the others to some hidden dev room with Usami and laying out where they really are and why they're here. Could well be one of the few Killing Games in the multiverse that ends with no murders. He let Makoto Naegi down, but goddammit him and the other survivors aren't gonna let the rest of their Kouhais down this time.

I like the idea of Nagito preferring to have them remember well—their sins basically—as a call back his own personal experience with dementia because yeah, that was always such a weird feature for the program to begin with. It’s remarkably harder to get closure from an experience you don’t even remember anymore but still visibly and emotionally have to deal with the effects of. How do you even begin to approach that? This doesn’t even touch upon the fact that you’ve basically been age regressed to a teenager again and suddenly find yourself in an adult body that’s been mutilated in so many ways. I’ve always wondered how exactly the SDR1 crew were going to approach class 77 in the event of an actual successful program—no virus detected. I also found it amusing that Makoto seemed the most skeptical of the survivors to use the program as is considering he was the one who implemented the failsafe in the event something went south (which it did of course). Makes me think that Makoto would have preferred the program worked differently and, if given the time, would have made it be a much more different experience for the remnants rather than the whole Hope Fragment school field trip concept. I’d like to see Makoto’s version of the Neo World Program now haha. Ah, the DR lore really is somethin’—oodles of fun to consider all the possible aus that could have happened with just one simple change.

#anonymous #danganronpa #komaeda nagito #fala replies #a e i o queue

[trashyswitch]

Late Night Thoughts

I can make Sheldon Cooper lose his mind in 10 words or less; It is scientifically impossible to kill every germ.

And now for a mind-numbing, deep thought that I'm struggling to wrap my head around. TW: Talks of dimentia/Alzheimers, talks of a loss of memory and loss of ones self.

A person's life is made up of memories, right? And it's through those memories that a person grows psychologically, mentally, and emotionally. We talk about our regrets because they stick with us as painful memories. Usually, we'd rather avoid such memories because they are uncomfortable to replay in our minds. And yet, we feel a small sense of pride for learning from those regrets...because our thoughts on the memory changed, we had grown further as a person. Without that specific experience, we would not have emotionally and psychologically matured. With this in mind...A reminder that a person with dementia/alzheimers is slowly losing their memories. They're losing the one thing in their life that formed them as an individual human. That is likely why a dementia patient's personality changes so drastically. For example: My grandma has the early signs of dementia. Back in her late 20's to early 50's, she had been a perfectionate, stubborn woman. But seeing how her actions affected the others around her, she spent the next few decades actively trying to improve herself to be more loving, generous, caring and supportive. But because of the dementia, her younger personality is slowly leaving her mind and coming out in her words and actions. She is losing those memories...and she is losing those years of practice she remembered developing in order to improve herself. Without those memories of practicing, she forgets those coping mechanisms and returns to the person she originally was. This also may explain why moderately progressed dimentia patients regress to a younger version of themself...Because those memories they formed later on in life, are nearly non-existant by that point. All they really remember was their younger years. And depending on the day and their mind's progression, their body may regress to their older adult self, their younger adult self, and eventually their childhood. It's an absolutely terrifying disease that is incredibly hard to treat...cause once those memories are gone, there is no getting them back. Sorry if I terrified you, or made you sad while reading this...It's just thoughts I had going through my head at 3:27am.

#tw dementia #tw alzheimers #tw loss of a loved one #scary thoughts #deep sad thoughts #i'm so sorry

[abdlgossipblog]

It's scary how real age regression has almost been erased. Cognitive, emotional, and behavioral, it's all real, it really happens. Do not equate agere to age regression; agere is kink cosplay and age regression is a serious issue caused by a number of things. Often times as a result of complex PTSD or Childhood sexual assault. When a person is truly age regressed (even if they are an adult) they are no longer of sound mind or body, they do not have the autonomy or decision making skills to care for themselves. It's not just regressing to the state of a child, dementia patients often deal with hypersexuality during age regression episodes and the nurses and caretakers are trained to care for them in this state. Age regression does not include a power exchange or gear or special outfits or content creation.

[ghostingthemachine]

Hail storm

________________________

If I had to describe my great grandmother in two words, I’d call her a ‘hail storm’. 

She is strong, she is fierce, she is beautiful; 

and yet she’s made of ice. Her gaze is fierce, the pain her touch left is intense but incomparable to the ache her words cause. 

She had a tough, lonely, stone-cold Soviet childhood. She endured loss and despair. She suffered. She got married to a man weaker and kinder than her; had a child and then made her daughter suffer. And then abused her daughter’s daughter, too. Now we have three generations of wounded children who have a bad habit of carrying their partners on their backs. 

 She survived the deportation, WW2, the fall of Soviet Union. Yesterday, she managed to live through the death of her husband, too. 

   I never experienced getting smacked by my great grandmother; she never had the opportunity to cut me with her insults; yet I hold a grudge against her. Not for myself, but for my mom and grandma. 

Lately my resentment has started to turn into pity. Maybe that is because I learned more about her life; maybe it is because she has dementia now and is a shell of a violent woman we knew her of. 

She regressed and forgot who she was, now she is just a child who is cursed to stay in a constant state of total confusion. And I can’t help but feel sorry about it. 

Despite barely remembering anything, she still loved her husband and never forgot him. They lived separately for a year already. 

About two weeks before his death, she had a feeling he will go soon and begged my aunt (who takes care of her) to take her to visit him and talk. My aunt was not able to find the time to do it, and so, the husband left, and my great grandmother could not even say goodbye to the love of her life. 

During the funeral, she did not understand what was happening. She asked us questions like why are we wearing mourning attire, why are people crying, etc. People had to go through the uncomfortable process of letting her know that her husband died. She cried like a baby for five minutes, and then forgot what was happening again. So, the loop of confusion and devastation had to continue.

Right now as I am writing this story, I do not even know if she forgot about everything again. 

I do not love my great grandmother, but the sound of her sobs made my heart wreck. 

She caused so much indirect trouble and cursed my family with generations of trauma, yet I cannot hate her. 

Does she even remember who am I? Does she even know her eldest granddaughter has children? 

Where did my complicated feelings come from? What do I do with them now? 

#writing #creative writing #female writers #writers on tumblr #poetry #women poets #poets on tumblr #quotes #female artists #poem #aesthetic #dark academia aesthetic #artists on tumblr #art #writrblr #studyblr #literature #womanhood #girlblogging #feminism #women

[bucketofchum]

I'm having thoughts about the memory loss moment again in StarTumu AU

Don't wanna get too into it here but just some context

This is after Atumu came back from his 2 missing years, and he seemed to be recovering well, physically and mentally. He really pushed himself to start working again while barely recovered bc he saw their financial situation wasn't great, and felt guilty about it bc he had been gone for all this time and now, in convalescence, he was just useless.

In getting back to work and being back up and about, he runs into a familiar face. An older woman who used to be his boss (when he was like 15) and used to take advantage of him, and he immediately mentally regresses. The woman is still pleased that even 10 years later she still has this power over him and even though he's older, he doesn't seem to have changed at all.

She starts a secret relationship-like thing with him, mostly revelling in that he actually still listens to her. At this point, Atumu and Star are married (Star married Atumu very quickly once Atumu regained consciousness after his coma so that was a whole thing as well), and the woman relishes in the fact that Atumu would obey her even though he's together with Startop now

Anyhow, this secret illicit relationship causes Atumu to mentally regress so much that Star thinks Atumu is relapsing due to the 2-year-missing traumas - doesn't realise it's from something that is currently actively happening rn

It escalates to a point where Atumu is almost completely dissociated in his every day life that he's entirely mentally not present and just his body is going through the motions of life.

Star tries to get him professional psychiatric help - this ends up getting him hospitalized and it doesn't seem to be better. He's allowed to visit once a week but Atumu's lack of recognition is fucking heart breaking. They have him on some combination of sedatives that leaves him very zombie-like. Brain empty, no thoughts.

But at least these weeks outside of any interactions with Carol (the woman) allows his brain to do what it does best: repress traumas. The sedatives they give him at the ward leave him zombie-like, but they give him some stimulants when Star visits to he can be not-zombie-like.

It's really really really heartbreaking for Star at first seeing Atumu in this ward with other patients who are geriatric and experiencing dementia. Atumu doesn't even recognize Star. This was the whole "Who are you?" Thing that absolutely wrecked Star.

In tears, Star tries talking to Atumu. "Do you know who I am? My name is Startop.... Antoinette...do you know who you are? You're Atumu.... Antoinette... Do you know why we have the same last name? We are married..." It's really heartbreaking

Then the stimulants finally kick in but it's a terrifying thing for Star cuz he just sees Atumu kind of convulsing in full body spasms. He's contemplating getting the hospital staff to help but eventually Atumu comes to and he seems almost like himself for the first time in....idk months? He had had maybe 2-3 days of clarity in the past 4 months or so. He sees Startop - there is recognition in his eyes, and he asks "Startop?"

In this moment of clarity, Atumu asks where they are. A hospital... Atumu's first reaction is concern. Is Startop alright? Star explains to Atumu that they aren't here for Star...they are here for Atumu.

I don't recall exactly how their conversation went, but eventually Atumu recalls Carol and his brain has a really hard time processing this bc the only way he's able to function is if his brain represses those memories, but in this moment, he is forced to recall them. It doesn't go so well and he starts to relapse again and the hospital staff intervene to sedate him again and there goes Star's husband as he knew him. :(

This is another moment that never gets a neat resolution...

Oi I ended up getting too deep into it. Didn't intend to do that

#StarTumu #same age au

[unwelcome-ozian]

Could a delusion of having super powers be related to programming? I experienced sexual programming. Growing up we always thought we had superpowers of some kind, usually telekinesis but sometimes others like shapeshifting or mind reading. This belief has partially stuck with us over the years. I have episodes were I am convinced I have super powers which are usually accompanied or caused by age regression. I am trying to figure out exactly what causes these episodes as they seem semi random. Our littles seem to have more frequent episodes with it being a 24/7 thing for some. We also feel a need to control/use the powers to help others and that if we don't control them we're hurting others. We always used to use things swinging back and forth continually as proof because we didn't understand momentum and I also remember swinging objects being a theme in our programming. Is this likely related or just something that developed along side it unrelated?

Sorry for switch between I and we so much.

I’m going to share some information that I hope helps you and others in your system.

Magical thinking is a coping mechanism that commonly emerges when a child is either confused about a certain situation or feels helpless in the face of something that threatens their security.Five and 6-year-olds use magical beliefs in dramatic play to help them manage the chaos of their inner and outer lives. For example, becoming a superhero in play can be part of children's quest for power in a world where they have very little.

Part of DID is magical thinking. The feeling that things happening to us aren’t really happening to us but to someone else.

“Escape from reality. In some instances, dissociation induces people to imagine that they have some kind of mastery over intractable environmental difficulties. Dissociation is often implicated in magical thinking or self-induced trance states. This aspect of dissociation is frequently found in abuse survivors. It is not uncommon for abused children to engage in magical thinking to retain an illusion of control over the situation (e.g., believing that they "cause" the perpetrator to act out).”

― Marlene Steinberg

A delusion is a belief that is clearly false and that indicates an abnormality in the affected person’s content of thought. The false belief is not accounted for by the person’s cultural or religious background or his or her level of intelligence. The key feature of a delusion is the degree to which the person is convinced that the belief is true. A person with a delusion will hold firmly to the belief regardless of evidence to the contrary. Delusions can be difficult to distinguish from overvalued ideas, which are unreasonable ideas that a person holds, but the affected person has at least some level of doubt as to its truthfulness. A person with a delusion is absolutely convinced that the delusion is real. Delusions are a symptom of either a medical, neurological, or mental disorder. Delusions may be present in any of the following mental disorders: (1) Psychotic disorders, or disorders in which the affected person has a diminished or distorted sense of reality and cannot distinguish the real from the unreal, including schizophrenia, schizoaffective disorder, delusional disorder, schizophreniform disorder, shared psychotic disorder, brief psychotic disorder, and substance-induced psychotic disorder, (2) Bipolar disorder, (3) Major depressive disorder with psychotic features (4) Delirium, (5) Dementia and (6) OCD

In programming, Theta programming is created to use the psychic, spiritual realms, (occult) to monitor other people who are programmed and to keep the person who is programmed programmed.

#answers to questions #DID #magical thinking #Theta programming #mental health

[ickeyandmian]

oops here are some thoughts on 11x08 regarding Frank and Terry’s storylines

Spoilers ahead

Please bear in mind that these are my thoughts and interpretations. I understand others may not feel the same, and that the themes in this episode could have been difficult or painful for some, nonetheless I’m going to delve into what I took from it.  

I didn’t come into season 11 expecting to care about Frank but for me, his mental decline has been one of the most interesting storylines of this season, and arguably the most interesting storyline for his character throughout the show as a whole. What sticks out for me mostly is the care that the writers have clearly taken in setting up these final moments of Frank Gallagher’s swan song. This is a hard topic, it’s hard for viewers, who have developed a love/hate relationship with the man over the past 10 seasons, it’s hard for those who may have experienced loved ones suffering from dementia, and it’s a hard topic to write sensitively, especially for a character like Frank who has toed the line between villain and hero since day one.

But I do feel the writers are taking that care. It’s a slow burn, it’s not something that has come out of nowhere. It feels justified, developed, and with every episode we see those clues and those symptoms build and build and we know that there’ll be no lucky escape this time.

Frank has always had strong ties to his environment, he proudly belongs in the southside and that is heavily linked to his own selfhood, as we saw in 11x01 and his ramblings of the Gallagher’s history in Chicago (a questionable topic in terms of its accuracy). But that’s all being taken away from him. We’ve seen the gentrification of the south side, the threat of the Gallagher house being sold and now, in the latest episode, something so small as the renaming of a school is enough to threaten that wavering sense of his identity that Frank has been slowly losing as the series goes on.

Memory is a fickle thing, especially when it betrays you. The smallest things can trigger a stream of thoughts buried deep in the back of your mind and at this point, Frank relies on those triggers, because without them he ends up wandering the streets in the dark, calling out his kid’s names in a desperate attempt to simply find his way home. He talked fondly of his school days and, though he may or may not be fully aware of it, there’s a real fear that that’s going to go too, that he’ll forget.

If the school has a different name, what will ignite those happy memories again?

So he falls into his old ways, it’s political correctness gone too far, it’s a ploy by the woke millenials to specifically target people like Frank, to take away everything from him, to rewrite a history that he’s terrified he’ll one day forget and will be gone entirely. It’s a painful irony to watch his devout duty to remember battling against the inevitability of his regressing mind. Which is why, when it comes down to it and he’s standing in front of the panel of judges, we see that it was never about the naming of the school. It was about the memories he has, the ones he can still pick out of his muddled mind and share with a room full of strangers and about the responsibility we have to remember the past.  

And when Frank says there are ‘Gallagher memories embedded in every inch of that school’, we see the hint at the bigger issue at play here. Selling the house, a place that’s much more befitting of that statement than an elementary school. Without it, will Frank remember his family? His childhood? Will he forget Monica eventually too? The house is the last rickety foundation of Frank’s memories, and I’m equal parts excited and anxious to see what path his storyline goes down should they sell.

Now Terry.

Terry’s was a story about closure. But this is Shameless, and we were never going to get a neat and tidy resolution. It’s gritty and it’s complicated which is part of what makes this show what it is. There’s a lot here that felt significant, though it’s hard to tell if it’s intentionally so or if, as a fan, I’m reaching as always to desperately explain every nuance of what we are given of Mickey.

The driving force of this episode is that Terry Milkovich fucking sucks.

We know that, have known that for 10 seasons, and Mickey knows that, but Mickey is in the unique position of being both Terry Milkovich’s son and the face of a people he hates. Though we all would have loved to see Mickey turn his back on him for good, I’m glad we didn’t.

Family is family, and that is something that has been ingrained into Mickey since he was a child. It’s something that’s been weaved into the show from the start, from Mickey defending Mandy from an alleged assault no questions asked, to Mickey’s brother’s helping him kill Frank, again with no questions asked.

This has been discussed countless times by people much better at words than I am so I won’t labour the point, but we’ve seen the strength of Mickey’s sense of duty, the agony it causes him and how he does it anyway. And in this episode, we got a glimpse at that relationship from both sides.

The exchange between the two of them ‘You’d have made a have decent son…’ Vs ‘You’d have made a half decent dad…’ felt genuine in a way I wasn’t expecting. Not much was said, and what was said was laced with insults but the intent was there. Terry, racist, homophobic, vile, evil Terry in an undignified moment of vulnerability in being taken care of by the person he tortured and abused, is forced to face that fact. I’m not saying he feels remorse, or guilt or anything resembling that, but he’s aware of the situation and he responds to it. All he has left are his scathing words. He uses them, Mickey fights back and they’re left at a ceasefire.

It’s an exchange that sums up their years of history, and the fact that they had that conversation together is so important to the closure of their story because it’s an acknowledgement. It’s Terry admitting that Mickey was useful to him, then and now, and it’s Mickey finally getting to say what he’s always wanted to his father, just the two of them, without an audience. We then see Terry open his mouth and we, as an audience, wonder for just a moment if there is going to be more, maybe Mickey does too until it’s clear that Terry is just ordering Mickey to continue feeding him, to continue to be useful.

It’s interesting that in this small gesture, we see that Mickey’s usefulness in the situation outweighs Terry’s hatred of him, something that’s never happened between them.

And I believe from Mickey’s point of view, he understood that that’s as close to an apology as he’s going to get. But I also don’t think he was looking for one. He said himself, he wants to be better than Terry, and every single action he’s taken since then has proved that he already is.

I think I would have loved if this storyline had been given the time that Frank’s has, if it had been built up gradually, rather than the show treating Terry like a cartoon villain who in later seasons just seems to come and go when necessary, and then trying to squeeze whatever moments of sincerity they could from Noel’s gut-punching acting choices. (The look on Mickey’s face at the end is one I won’t be forgetting soon).

The death was shocking. I’m still figuring out how I feel about it. But it’s interesting to see that it’s Terry’s evil nature that is ultimately what killed him. His racist attitude chased away the first two carers, he bullied and harassed them until Ian and Mickey were forced to find someone white in the hopes his attitude would be different. Had he not driven the first two away, maybe he’d be alive. I would say he was undone by his own fatal flaw, but that would be implying Terry deserves the fanfare equal to that of a Greek hero. Instead, it’s simply an evil old man finally facing the consequences of his actions.

As they say in Oz, ding dong, the witch is dead.

#shameless spoilers #11x08 #TW dementia #TW death #Shameless #Frank Gallagher #Terry Milkovich #this got long oops

[memoir-of-the-girl-who-lived]

Age Regression and BPD

A common, yet normally not talked about, symptom of BPD is age regression.

What is age regression? Why does it happen?

Sigmund Freud believed age regression was an unconscious defense mechanism. It was a way the ego could protect itself from trauma, stress, or anger (this is subjective in theory though-- this will be discussed later). Various things can occur when you age regress. Some people may only regress a few years back from their current age (for example, someone who is 25 may age regress to 22), while some can age regress as far as infancy, taking on more childlike behaviors such as thumb sucking or whining. 

It’s important to note as well that BPD is not the only mental disorder that can have age regression symptoms attached to it. Other disorders include:

Schizophrenia 

Dissociative Personality Disorder (once known as Multiple Personality)

Schizoaffective Disorder 

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder 

Major Depressive Disorder

Dementia

Age regression can be triggered for a variety of different reasons. The person who is regressing, also known as age sliding, can find themselves in a stressful situation that involves them making adult decisions and, to escape the stress, will regress to a younger age where they hold the memory of being safe and stress free. Some people who are under a great deal of pain or distress will age regress to cope with anxiety or fear. And some people are “triggered” (a response caused by a particular action, process, or situation) when they come face to face with distressing memories or triggers. Some people are able to willingly age regress to escape stress, while most people who are triggered do it subconsciously. 

#bpd #bpd feels #bpd things #borderline traits #borderline personality disorder #borderline thoughts #borderline feels #borderline relationships #borderline #living with borderline #mental illness #awareness #recovery #age regression

[cybererotic]

currently thinking about how one of my ex friends was a hypocrite and a manipulator and made me feel abused and helpless and i still kept them around for more than a month

like literally the first time we met they dm'ed me on pinterest asking me to do a komahina rp and then, while i was having a visceral panic response to them asking me to play hajime (don't ask idk why either) they still wanted me to be hajime

later in a discord server they also played hajime as kind of a predator (e.g., when nagito denied hajime's advances in the rp hajime said "dont be a killjoy" or another time said "i've been waiting all day for this" and yet another time said "a little bit of fun couldn't hurt us) like dude can you back off

also in the rp server, they used to talk about mikan and (if they're seeing this i'll censor it) gamer girl ai from sdr2 negatively a lot (and i mean a LOT) and when people asked them to stop they said, and i quote, "the most i'm comfortable with doing is censoring it" (which they never even did)

if someone is uncomfortable with something you're doing, it's not a negotiable thing, there is no meet in the middle. when someone asks you to stop, you stop

they also did very nsfw actions in the (very public) server and never even asked anyone if it was okay

and yes, i did play into the nsfw stuff, encouraging it a couple times and once i even started it myself, but when people got uncomfortable and asked me to stop, i stopped, and i own up to it

a little after that happened i kicked them from the server, although still keeping communication because i thought i could help them, and i was very wrong

on one occasion i believe they guilt tripped me, but my memory is absolute shit so i won't make any firm accusations, this rant post is based off my feelings of what they did to me and how i perceive it, as well as the solid events i can remember, because of my memory

and now i want to move on to what makes me the most angry at them, even after all this: their absolutely disgusting headcanons for nagito

i don't know if i'm the most angry about this because of my high kinship to him (to the point where i see myself as him), but even aside from that they were appalling

i'll put a list here, but before that keep in mind nagito is severely traumatized and suicidal, which we can see in sdr2 and a lot of his trauma behavior in the animes. he also has frontal lobe dementia and stage 3 lymphoma. he is literally dying

nagito has a survival mindset based on his luck cycle. he has seen firsthand what the worst of his luck can do, including causing the death of his loved ones and getting him kidnapped, and thus he had been mostly focused on surviving for most of his life, except in the game/anime, in which we can see he is severely suicidal. in the first chapter the death he sets up is for himself, not twogami, which is why he told teruteru about it

and now a list on this person's headcanons for nagito

he is a little/age regresses (they talked about drawing agere komahina as well)

he likes lolita fashion

he is a crossdresser

he is short (i dont even know how thats a headcanon since his height is very clear)

his voice is soft and feminine (they specified that in this hc he would sound like cottontail, the musician who collabed with jazmin bean in their song Princess Castle- again, not sure how this is a headcanon since his voice is also very clear)

he has been/is a stripper

they also thought that the collar and leash on nagito's servant design in udg is sexual, and allow me to tell you why it probably isn't

nagito was a remnant of despair in that design, and thus likely the collar and leash were put on him by the warriors of hope to make him feel dehumanized and like an animal, which would be a very big source of despair for him

also some hypocrisy here- when i told them nagito was brainwashed by despair in udg, they made the excuse that he still picked that outfit (which i doubt he did, junko was probably the one to pick the outfits for the remnants)

and yet when i talked about how nagito literally stood by and watched monaca abuse the other woh, they made the excuse that he was brainwashed by despair/could have been punished

nagito is a fully grown man, and the warriors of hope are children. even with his illnesses he likely still could have stopped monaca, and could have walked away from the woh and used his luck to cause despair all around the world.

additionally, nagito was a remnant of despair at this time. he would have probably acted up more on purpose to get the woh to insult/harm him more so he could feel more despair.

he did neither of those things. nagito stood by and watched monaca abuse children who already had plenty of trauma to begin with.

you can see the double standard here.

if this person is seeing this, you disgust me greatly. you are selfish and arrogant and even while nagito is your comfort character and you project onto him way too much, the things you headcanon him with are unsettling and borderline if not way into fetishization territory. i don't care if this was your intention or not, because even after you were asked to stop, you never did. you crossed too many lines and i let you get away with too much. i hope you learn something from this.

also- if anyone here thinks i'm overreacting/can confirm what my memory fails to, please let me know

thank you guys for reading all the way here wow

#danganronpa spoilers #rant #long post #tw suicide #tw manipulation #tw abuse #tw fetishization

[silent-screams-i-cannot-control]

I just love being driven to tears by my sister like we're little kids again. Like, she is by far the most supportive family member I have and I'm always gonna have her back on things too, but...fuck man. She can be so god damn uppity.

My grandmother has dementia, and it's rough, but she's not so far gone that she can't hold a conversation or understand the things going on around her. She's sort of regressed to the mental state of a toddler, which my sister handles like an Olympic champion, but I...don't really know how. Kids are hard, an adult that's like a kid is even harder cause I've known her as an adult my whole life.

Mostly I've approached it with a whole 'simplify things, repeat til she understands' kind of concept. But every time my sister is around, she doesn't even let me get a word in edgewise, which just confuses my grandma more. I say one thing and "She doesn't understand that." Okay. Fine. I'll explain it some other way - "She doesn't know what you're saying." Well now you're just treating her like she's fucking stupid when she's not.

And I KNOW that's what's happening because when my sister isn't around I can explain the exact same thing the way I want to and she'll understand it - she just won't remember because two strokes and dementia will kill the memory. It's not like she's incapable of understanding shit now just because her brain isn't working with her anymore.

And the thing is, my grandma has also always been a person with a loose tongue. Even before the strokes and long before the dementia she had a knack for finding your insecurities and using them to tear you down. It's just that now she's even worse about it.

So today - she's been doing this one a lot lately too - she said I'm sick. That I look sick too. And not like I have a cold or anything, she's specifically referring to my depression whenever she says it. It's unpleasant, it gets under my skin, and frankly, it really fucking hurts to hear because I get enough comments about the things I do - or lack thereof - because of it.

After hearing it from her so many times, I called her on it. I said it was rude for her to say. And my sister just jumped right in with "She's 90 years old, she doesn't know what she's saying." Frankly, I didn't need that shit either, so I told her not to even start that shit with me. She ignored me, of course.

I was actually just trying to have a discussion with my grandmother about the fact that she kept hurting me with her words, and my grandad was even trying to help me on that front, but my sister was making it worse. As a result, my grandma thought I was mad at her - because my sister pissed me off. I had to defuse a situation that wouldn't have needed defusing if she'd just kept her fucking mouth shut. Funny thing though, I explained that those things hurt me, and my grandma fucking apologized! Because she understood and comprehended like she's still perfectly capable of doing.

My sister, on the other hand, yelled at me that I need to educate myself on what dementia is - like I haven't been living with my grandmother who has it for 5 months now - and then accused me of starting a fight with her because I tried to have a discussion to resolve an issue. I was going to spend time with my grandparents - and sister in turn - but she upset me enough that I had to leave the room.

And now I'm still crying because I'm apparently incapable of finding a coherent voice to defend myself against my big sister when she treats me like a fucking idiot. And it hurts, and she hurts me, and I hate it, and it sucks, and somehow it's probably all gonna get swept under the fucking rug because I need her to back me up against my fucking transphobic family and to be there because she's still my big sister and I need her.

#rant #transgender #ftm #depression #dementia #vent #negativity cw

[strawberryspeachy]

I want to be around my mom but then it just stresses me out to do so. I think about having to take care of her constantly and... I’m selfishly just like. No. I’ve done so much, let my family do it now.

And I fucking adore my mom. She was not only the best mom but the best person. She had her flaws and she fucked up but if everyone in this world were like my mom it would be a utopia

I tried to hang out with her when she was going downhill. As much as possible. Do memorable things. Generally I just came home tired and upset because the times of having meaningful conversation with her passed without me even noticing.

Like I think the last time I had a real good day with my mom was my senior year of high school when we skipped my lame reward ceremony and got pizza that we shared in the parking lot and talked.

Like we talked on the phone a lot while I was in college but it was just us sharing what was going on in our lives not like... deep connection stuff

And today I ended up having to watch her. I wasn’t happy about it. But I’m leaving soon and felt like I really should force myself to hang out with her cause I’ll regret it if I don’t.

She wanted to come in the kitchen and hang out with me. I have her a chair and she watched me cook. Asked every so often if she could help. I wish I could give her something to do - she had a cooking lisince. But she can’t do even simple things anymore.

She’s like a puppy. Just wanting to be close. Just wanting attention. And I kept thinking how 20 years ago I was the one sitting on the chair just watching her cook wishing she’d let me do something.

And I wanted to just sit in my room and check on her every so often. And I know that’s a dick feel and I knew it and I faught it. But I hate watching her play with a baby doll that she revived for Christmas and went ‘why would I want this?? How old does he (my uncle) think I am’

I keep purposely distancing myself from her...idek it’s not entirely on purpose. Idk

But when I finished cooking and she went and sat in the living room while I clean up she started crying. She does it a lot now and I asked her what was wrong and she gave me some nonsense. And asked about my grandfather being out

Then. She went ‘idk why I do this. I know he’s coming back. I don’t know why I do the things I do. I can’t help it’

And for a second I heard my mom.

It’s only ever for a second or so these days that I hear her... and normally it makes me cry. But it didn’t. I consoled her and explained her dementia to her and told her that we love her and it’s not her fault.

And she thanked me for always being nice to her and hugged me.

And that’s when I gave into the fact that I should sit with her. I hoped for a little while she could stay that way but she went back almost immediately to pacing around the room and talking to her baby and looking out the windows and saying people were out there. And she’s always asking about her older brother. Her brothers coming. My uncle is coming. Where is her husband. Ect.

And I sat on the couch watching tv responding to her if she asked a question or got to ansy

And another things she’s been saying the past few months is she’s gotta go. She likes me but she’s gotta go. She has small children waiting for her. They need her.

Today I addressed it for the first time instead of just being taken back that she obviously thinks my mother aunt and uncle are kids waiting for her at home

I told her all her kids are adults. I’m her youngest and I’m right here. It’s ok.

(I’m her granddaughter)

She said yea but (my name) needs me. She’s still small

And I told I’m me

And she looked at me like she hadn’t seen me in years. And started crying and went

You’re (my name)

And she grabbed my face and hugged me and went like

Wow! You were so small! This is you now?

And telling me how happy she was that I was here and ok and that she can’t believe it. And started apologizing.

She thinks she didn’t see me grow up. And I told her we’ve been together all along and she kept saying. “Why didn’t anyone tell me you were here”

Of course I started crying. I haven’t really been able to stop...

And she was like overjoyed for a moment. And I thought maybe she’d sit down and be happy for a second.

But then she said now that she knows where I am she needs to go feed the dogs.

I let her go on talking about them till she regressed back even more. Started saying she was waiting for her brother to come get her because she has to go home. And asking me “when is mom and dad coming home” an hour before that she was crying saying that she missed her mom

I miss mine too.... it feels like I lose her every day. And for seconds I get this hope. That she’s still there that she’ll pull through and be better even though I know she can’t. But just for those seconds I can’t help it.

Of course she would talk about the dogs. We had so many dogs and other animals. She always loved and cared about me, I was also just one of the many tasks on her daily schedual That’s why we didn’t get to hang out much. She took care of animals and went to work form 5am to 11pm for most of my life. In high school I told her I think she has adhd because even when I’ve done the work so she can relax - she wouldn’t sit down, always found something to do

I tried to play with my bop-it with her. She tried but gave up. I wish I could find something for her to preoccupy herself with. Even without this disease she never sat still. How could we possibly expect her to now. But she can’t do anything.... she stopped being able to when she started to get it because she would be so overwhelmed by how hard it was for her and get so upset that she’d just give up

Like when she tried to take a message that cvs had called and for five minutes she kept writing the letters out of order or upsidedown and backwards and randomly throwin in other letters into “cvs” and she just got mad at me for watching her. Told me she could do it if I weren’t there judging her and correcting her. The first couple times I just wondered what she was writing and asked her. But after that I went quiet and was just upset along because I knew what was happening and she was still in denial

I hate to lie. I told her today that I’ll always be here. There went anything else I could say. I couldn’t remind her that the animals are gone. That all the dogs she wanted to take care of died years ago. That my uncle is not outside - he is in Texas. That her mom and dad aren’t coming home. That this is her home now - not whichever house she was thinking over at the moment.

So long as my string of awful things don’t happen. - I’ll be in Japan in a couple weeks. I won’t be here. And today I kept wondering if I’m making the wrong decision.

I’m leaving because I can’t take the stuff going on with my grandfather and the house and my mother and all the boys who’ve hurt me. I can’t find a good job and everything sucks. That I want to and have tried to kill myself. That in almost any way I’m not going to be here anymore.

I want to me. I want to help my mom. But I can’t. She doesn’t even want me most of the time. She wants her parents. She wants her brother. She wants my grandfather. I am the 4th. Most asked for person. Top of the list when she remembers I exist.

And today was just a reminder how much my mom cares about me and how much this all fucking sucks. And I can help her and I can’t help her. And this will repeat. And each time it’s new to her and each time it kills me more

#dementia #mom

[whisker-biscuit]

Harley Quinn is Not A Good Role Model: Chapter 8

Rated T-M for language and graphic descriptions of violence

Pairing: Dr. Flug/Black Hat

Summary: Dr. Flug Slys is a successful psychiatrist working at one of the world’s most respected mental institutes for the criminally insane. But this new patient is unlike anything he’s ever encountered. Flug is determined to help him, nonetheless.

Black Hat has other ideas.

Chapter 8: You Win Some, You Lose Some

Lauren Rorschach’s office was well furnished. Her desk was dark mahogany, with hand-carved elephants marching along the bottom rim in wooden jubilee. Two violet couches lined each side wall, both big enough to hold three people individually. The walls were covered top to bottom with personal certificates and achievements, newspaper articles detailing the success of the institute, and one larger-than-life painting of a bowl of food – not the stereotypical fruit but vegetables instead. It was almost like a statement. The only mindless veggies here are in this painting.

Flug wasn’t very comforted by the thought today.

“You seem to have been making some enemies lately, Dr. Slys.” The director peered at her associate from over her glasses. He slumped sheepishly in his seat.

“Ah, y-yeah, I suppose so,” the psychiatrist offered rather weakly. “So uh, I’m guessing that’s why you called me in then.” There was a confirming nod. “Alright, w-what’s first on the roster then?”

“Well, considering Dr. Bautista came into my office earlier without so much as a knock, I’d say that matter might be a little more pressing. At least, according to him.” She quirked an eyebrow, amused at the dislike on her employee’s face – obvious even through his headwear – and continued. “Supposedly you are ‘out to ruin his reputation and slander his good name’, to quote him.”

“I’m n-not doing anything like that! I’m just, he just…I don’t think he’s a good fit for Black Hat’s case. And I wanted to talk about his intern, Martin. Um, Martin Naaji.”

“You did mention the intern in your email a few days ago. Why don’t you want Dr. Bautista with you on the case? I thought we chose him for his physical backup and your nonconflicting schedules.”

“Let’s j-just say some, uh, some things came to my attention that m-made me think we wouldn’t work very well together.” Flug worded his phrasing carefully. “He is a respected psychiatrist and a fine member of this institute, but he – we all have our strengths and weaknesses and some, clash more than others. And the patient himself doesn’t seem very fond of the doctor. He refused to answer his questions and only addressed me. He ignored Bautista completely.”

“Have you considered the idea that Black Hat is doing this in order to separate you both? To turn you against each other and make one of you vulnerable to assault?”

“Oh I considered that, yes, but ah,” he grimaced, thinking back on his inmate’s words during their first therapy session. “I believe it’s highly unlikely. And we don’t, we j-just don’t work well together, I think. So. I’d like to formally request to be stated as the only psychiatrist on this case. For now. Um, until – if something happens. Which it won’t so there’s nothing to worry about.”

“Dr. Slys, you don’t have to assure me of your prowess. I’m well aware of that fact.” An honest smile came his way. “I trust my employees, and I know they make the decisions they believe to be the best. I’ll abide by your request.”

The psychiatrist’s goggles lightened, but his director held up one hand.

“However, I also expect the employees to learn to work with each other regardless of differences in personality or background. I won’t force the two of you to work together regularly, but I do expect you to resolve any conflicts you may have within a reasonable amount of time. If there are any more concerns from either of you, I want to hear about them, but I also want you both to try to come to an agreement, or at least a compromise. Is that fair?”

“Of c-course, it’s more than I could ask for.”

“Good, now about Martin Naaji. The problem here seems to be that he hasn’t been receiving proper direction in his work here. Am I correct?”

“Yes, Dr. Bautista – I mean, both he and Martin have told me that they’re unsure about what he should be doing every day. I’m not, it’s not really my business but I promised that I’d ask you about it and get back to them about it.”

“In the message Dr. Bautista sent me, he suggested that the intern be transferred to your guidance.”

“I – me?!”

“That’s correct. Have you ever overseen an intern before? Have any experience?”

“No! No, I don’t at all.” Flug gestured a little desperately. “I don’t have any plans to take on an assistant or an intern, or anything like that. I don’t have the time, I can’t – and all of my patients right now are extremely distrustful or cautious of the unknown, I can’t just pop up with another person for them to get used to after all this!”

“So you wouldn’t be willing to take him on?”

“No I, don’t get me wrong, he’s a sweet kid, a wonderful student but. I don’t know how to help him. That’s why I wanted your input, I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize, Doctor, the best answer to that question is your honest one. I’ll work more with Dr. Bautista about it. In the meantime though,” she considered him, “didn’t you bring him along to one of your sessions with Patient 243? Dementia?”

“Oh yeah, I did do that. It went remarkably well. Why?”

“Would you be willing to let him do it again while we figure this all out?”

“I mean, that is – I think it’d be up to my patient. I wouldn’t mind it myself. But I need to ask Dementia before I could give you a real answer.”

“That’s fine. Do you have time after this to discuss it with her? I think it would be beneficial to both the patient and the intern if he joins you.”

“I can do that, yeah. I’ll ask her today.”

“Thank you. Let me know as soon as you can.”

“Absolutely, will do.” He picked at his shirt just briefly before making eye contact. “Um. Can we d-discuss 505’s situation now? I’m really worried about him.”

“Mm…” She glanced at her computer, pulling up a specific email up on her tab. “I have on record that 505’s physician sent me a message yesterday. He mentioned that you refused to allow the patient’s transfer to Floor 5 for observation and recuperation. May I ask why?”

The psychiatrist clenched at his lab coat. “Because he’s in risk of a b-breakdown up there! It’s completely detrimental to his health, and as his psychiatrist I can’t let it happen.”

“I see,” Dr. Rorschach brushed a stray strand of red hair behind her ear. “I’m assuming you’re referring to the…unstable nature of some of the other patients on that floor? Particularly the one who’s been causing the disturbance between you and Dr. Bautista?”

“Absolutely!” Flug bit back the urge to bring his finger up in triumph. “505 might be super strong but he’s never been a danger to anyone. We both know that, everyone knows that. I need to keep him safe and he won’t be safe, especially with – if he’s that close to Black Hat.”

“I see your point, and it’s a valid one. Unfortunately, we also know that 505 is unaware of how much damage he can and does cause. He’s gentle with his handlers, but we’ve kept records of the extensive property damage.” She read off her screen. “He’s destroyed numerous toys meant for stress relief and mind stimulation, broke four of your clipboards, and if I’m not mistaken, he made a six-centimeter dent in his cell during his first week here that we still haven’t fixed yet.”

“That’s true, but –”

“We also have no guarantee that his physical well-being is completely stable. His body may have healed but that could revert itself or produce unknown side effects that we haven’t seen yet from the aftermath of the…event. The bomb.”

“I know, but I don’t think –”

“Doctor, I know how much you care for your patients. It’s a joy to have such a compassionate individual working here, believe me. But I can’t risk any danger to an inmate’s health while under this roof. I can’t risk his life.”

“At the cost of his mental health? His chance to recover his mind, live a normal life?” Flug trembled openly. He wanted to stand, accusing, but ground himself into his chair instead. “This could be irreversible, Dr. Rorschach. You know that!”

“I do know that! Trust me, I do,” she snapped, her sharp painted nails pressing against the computer mouse. “We pride ourselves on our ability for our successful rehabilitation of criminals. But we are also so famous for the physical care we provide. 505’s situation is unprecedented. I’ve never seen anything like it in all my years as director. We don’t know what could happen – I don’t know what could happen, and that scares me.”

The psychiatrist tugged at his bag, noticing in his distress how much of it was mirrored in her body language.

“Dr. Rorschach, please. I’m begging you not to go through with this. I don’t want him to get hurt, but I really don’t want him regressing either. I’ll pay for cameras to be installed, I’ll check in more frequently, I’ll even camp out in his room if that’s what it takes! Just please don’t stick him on Floor 5. Please.”

They looked at each other for a long time in a battle of silence, wills, and the urge to understand. Dr. Rorschach cracked first and looked away with a weary sigh.

“I’m sorry, Dr. Slys. But we need to keep monitoring him and we can’t do it from his current room. I can’t keep him in medical either, they’ll need that room for others. I’ll have 505 placed in the cell across the hall and diagonal from Black Hat. It’s farthest away and it’s the best I can do. I won’t risk liability here, no matter what. You’re welcome to visit him as often as you think is necessary and I’ll increase your spending budget for his material items and toys, but that’s it.”

It was the firmness in those words, the finality of a no-nonsense director who wouldn’t take any answer but agreement that kept Flug’s mouth tensed shut. He bowed his head in stony, expected respect and stood up, straightening his lab coat meticulously.

“When can I expect you to move 505.”

“Most likely later this evening, when he’s been officially checked out of his medical room. I’ll let you know, if you’d like to be there.”

“Sure. Yeah. I’ll move his stuff to that c – to his new room then. If there’s nothing else to say, I’ll take my leave to start doing that.”

“There’s nothing else, no.” Dr. Rorschach usually shook hands with her employees before they left. She didn’t offer it now. “I am truly sorry, Dr. Slys, for what it’s worth. We just don’t have a better option.”

He didn’t respond, just clenched his fingers in his coat and gave a curt nod, turning and trudging to the door in soft, measured steps. There was no glance backwards as he left her office, and the door closed slowly and firmly. Flug refused to give himself a chance to dwell on the situation. He broke out into a steady jog, forgoing the elevator completely and trekking up two flights of stairs into Floor 3 and practically ran to 505’s colorful room.

It was far too empty without the bear’s wonderful presence, and the psychiatrist grabbed the closest thing to his left – a giant stuffed whale – and tucked it under his armpit. He filled his arms with as many toys as he could carry, balancing a green rubber ball precariously on top of a rainbow plastic slinky as he made his way to Floor 5.

Many of the patients were fairly quiet in the morning hours, and today was no exception. He passed Dementia’s room without her notice but stopped when he came close to the four armored cells in the back. One of Black Hat’s guards – Lucas – saw what he was holding and came over curiously.

“Dr. Slys? What’s all this?”

“We’re just, um, one of my patients is being transferred here.” Flug wilted, letting the severity of the issue come to his mind at last. “He’ll be here sometime this afternoon and I w-wanted to move his things here, make sure he’ll be c-comfortable.”

The ball tipped over and Lucas lunged for it, catching the toy before it hit the ground. He rolled it back and forth between his hands as the psychiatrist gave him a grateful look.

“Do you need any help? You look like your hands are pretty full.”

“Mm, I don’t – that’d be nice but d-don’t you need to,” he glanced at the disturbingly quiet cell of his trouble inmate. “Um, guard him?”

“Ah, well, Ben had to go take care of something but he’s bound to be back any minute – speak of the devil!” Lucas was suddenly grinning, looking past the doctor.

Flug turned around to see Black Hat’s other security officer walking briskly toward them. He blinked at the psychiatrist only briefly before his gaze moved to his partner.

“Man, sorry I’m late. All the stalls were full and the line was longer than I thought. What’s going on?”

“I was gonna help Dr. Slys move some stuff for his patient. Apparently someone else is coming over here now.” Lucas jerked a thumb at the cells behind them. “You mind if I do that for a bit? We’ll be back and forth.”

“Oh, that’s really not necessary –” Flug started to say.

“Nah, sure, go ahead. I’ll be right here if you need me,” Ben beamed at them both and took his position in front of Black Hat’s door. “Just let me know if you need help with heavy lifting. I’m much more muscular than this guy.”

“Hey! Don’t start with me,” Lucas growled in mock indignation. He looked towards Flug, who stood there a little lost. “So which room we taking this into?”

“Oh, ah, this one back here.” Passing Black Hat’s room made his skin prickle, but no terrifying face appeared at the window to verbally assault him. The psychiatrist and the guard placed the toys in various spots in the large padded room, and Flug found the silver lining in that 505 might enjoy such comfy walls and flooring compared to his other room.

Lucas helped him make three more trips between Floor 3 and Floor 5, making small talk and gushing about his son, who had just turned five last month apparently. The psychiatrist listened politely, not very interested but knowing how to appear so, and when the last of the bear’s stuff was moved – an easel for finger painting set along the far wall – he sighed in bitter relief and locked the door.

“Thank you, really. I d-don’t know how long this would have taken without your help.”

“No problem, Doctor. It gets super boring standing here all day anyway. And you’ve been really respectful to us, it was the least I could do.”

“You don’t…get treated well? From the other employees?”

“Oh no, don’t get us wrong,” Ben jumped in. “I love working here personally, but when something goes wrong, it’s always ‘let’s blame security’ for everything. Gets frustrating sometimes, y’know?”

“Unfortunately, I really do.” Flug had a flicker of memory and pushed it down far away. “But I d-do want to thank you again. For this and for – for saving my life back then. For looking out for me. I don’t know how to, to make it up to you.”

“Eh,” Lucas waved a hand. “You’ve been a pretty good source of entertainment, no offense. You and your inmate both. I’ve never seen anything like it, to be honest.”

“Neither have I,” he mumbled to himself. And I don’t know what to think about that.

At that moment of course, Black Hat deigned the situation important enough to make an appearance. When the psychiatrist risked a glance through the barred window, he saw a single glittering eye in the dark from across the room. He had only a moment to wonder why the lights never seemed to be working back here before his patient glided silently to the door with feigned disinterest.

“Am I to understand you’ve been discussing me without my presence? How rude.” The inmate let the brim of his top hat touch the bars without creasing it. “And to peer into the privacy of my room too, no respect these days.”

“Nnn,” Flug kept the reflexive apology from leaving his tongue and crossed his arms instead. The guards on either side of him shifted to be more prepared, but didn’t seem very alarmed by the criminal’s presence.

“Something on your mind, Doctor?”

“I, yes actually. I wanted to talk to you.”

“Oh?” There was the lifting of an eyebrow. “And what might that be? Perhaps to continue our conversation from the therapy session two days ago? I really did want to discuss with you about what I found, that –”

“It’s not that, a-actually.” The psychiatrist stiffened at the look Black Hat gave him as he cut him off, but ploughed through anyway. “We have another patient coming to stay in one of these rooms back here, and I d-don’t want you harassing him.”

“Why would I do something like that, Dr. Flug?”

“Because you’re a criminal, and you haven’t had any problems harassing me or Inspector Daniels, or, anyone really. This patient isn’t someone who can be set off, we don’t want him hurting himself or others and I know you’d – ”

“You don’t know much about me at all, Flug.” Black Hat looked nonchalantly threatening at the three of them. “I have no interest in pursuing actions against an invalid, unless he gives me explicit reason to. Harassing creatures so pathetic holds no value nor satisfaction for me. It’s a waste of time.”

“Then why go after me? Is it j-just because I’m your psychiatrist?”

“If that was the case, Dr. Flug, then I would have lost interest in you quite some time ago. You would not have survived the week.”

Two things wormed their way up Flug’s neck in that declaration. The first was sick, animal fear because Black Hat was not exaggerating or bluffing. He fully believed his patient in this. The second was something he couldn’t yet identify, but there was no small amount of it and he set it aside to analyze later.

“Okay, w-well, as long as I have y-your word that you’ll leave this patient alone.”

“I’m a criminal, Doctor. You said so yourself. What weight could my word possibly have? I’m just as likely to break it as I give it.”

“No,” he responded softly, honestly. “Something tells me that you wouldn’t. You’re a man – person – of your word. I don’t have any evidence for that guess, but I don’t think I need any. Am I right?”

Black Hat’s face split into a grin, born from surprise and delight. He looked very pleased by his psychiatrist’s deduction.

“You’re correct, Flug. I abide by my word. And I will not come after your precious patient unless he gives me reason to. Fair enough?”

“Yes–! I mean yes. That’s very fair. Thank you.” And he offered an appreciative smile of his own, honest and thankful and the first he’d ever given this inmate. It threw the criminal off, who drew back from the window with a quiet utterance of ‘it’s my pleasure’ and disappeared into the darkness again.

Flug let the smile drop into vague relief and gave his heartfelt goodbyes to Ben and Lucas, waving as they saluted him off. On the way back down the hall, he stopped momentarily at Dementia’s room. She was sprawled facedown across her bed, her hair spread over most of her body.

“Dementia, are you there?” He peered anxiously at the mass of red hair and white straightjacket lying motionless on the mattress.

The lump moved sideways and Dementia’s face appeared behind her hair curtain, blinking groggily at her psychiatrist. “Flug? Izzat you?”

“Ah, yeah, sorry to wake you. I just had a few quick questions, do you mind?”

“Nah, mm, jus’ gimme a minute.” The girl arched her back, catlike in her stretching. She groaned as her spine popped. “So, qué pasa? Need me to take someone out for you?”

“No thanks, we’ve already decided you’re not doing that. I wanted to know what you thought of Martin, from a few days ago?”

“Martin Maje? Sure, he’s a dumb butt. Why?”

“Would you be willing to let him continue joining us for our therapy sessions together? At least temporarily?”

“Uh…” She closed one eye, thinking about it. “I dunno. I guess he’s okay enough for that. This is kinda out of nowhere though, what’s this about?”

“My boss wants him to shadow my work for a while. Or shadow me working with you for a while. It’s not really something I asked for. I told her I needed to talk to you first.”

“Okay. Aren’t you coming in tomorrow? For my freedom free time?”

“That’s not what it’s called.”

“Well it’s what I call it so that’s too bad for you,” Dementia flopped down into her mattress, voice muffled. “He can come for that, I guess. I don’t really care. Just don’t let him touch me. And you better have something fun for me to do while my hands are free, or I’ll scratch him, bite his neck. Haven’t had fresh blood in a while.”

“You’re not a vampire, Dementia. You don’t need fresh blood.”

“Just you wait, Flug. Someday one will come swooping in and transform me, like a bat in shining armor. And then you’ll wish you listened to me, cause I’m not letting you have immortality now even if you begged me for it… Would you beg me for it?”

“No, Dementia.”

“Not even just a little bit?”

“Goodbye, Dementia.”

“Okay fine! I won’t share it with you! I’ll laugh when you get all old and wrinkly and your bag will get wrinkly too and I’ll laugh at you. It’s what you get for waking me up anyway.”

She turned her face away, and Flug might have thought she was upset at him except that she was peeking mischievously with one eye, the corner of a dimpled smile visible from the bed. He shook his head good-naturedly and walked away toward the stairwell.

As the psychiatrist made his way down each flight of stairs, he considered again the feelings that had come out of Black Hat’s not so subtle threat. The one he had been unable to identify, which nearly overcame the familiar fear, was a positive emotion. His shock at the realization made him pause halfway down one step.

It had been glee. An uncommon, traitorous little thing that he hadn’t felt in relation to himself for a very long time. It bubbled up in him now, against his will, and Flug took it reluctantly. He had been complimented before, had felt satisfaction from admiring words before, but it was different here. It wasn’t just because it was from an inmate either – he’d had plenty of those as well.

No, Black Hat acknowledged him for reasons he couldn’t fathom, out of respect or some other thing, and it made him gleeful. Made him happy.

He decided he’d let it be a good thing. For now.

#villainous #villainous au #asylum au #dr flug #black hat #demencia #505 #paperhat

[cokeincan]

Sleep deprived.

Working on a night shift is taking a toll on my health.

I wanted to try taking melatonin meds but I'm afraid it might have a negative side-effect. Found out it might cause dementia and I'm already having short term memory loss.

I hate that when I need to sleep my thoughts just keep on wandering. I always have this feeling of wanting to make a do-over, regress to the past. I wanted to correct my mistakes.