#and those thoughts are spiteful and vindictive.

[essektheylyss]

I don't understand how some folks, both people who like and don't like shadowgast, seem to still want me to believe that Liam "caved" to Caleb and Essek being in a relationship because of fandom pressure and continues to go along with it halfheartedly only because of that even though he secretly hates it.

And meanwhile we have entirely unprompted asides like "Imagine two wizards—" "I do. Often."

#I've seen both of these takes REPEATEDLY. RECENTLY. #like you do not have to like it nor do you have to even like how it is established in canon but ??? #just like..... admit THAT instead? #tbh people put a lot of words into cast members' mouths #but frankly especially weird to say about a player who has pointedly discussed not taking fandom opinion into account #like. it's all 'well they play their characters how they want!' when someone's talking story analysis until it's a ship someone's mad at. #also 'matt doesn't really like essek either' is even wilder cuz like #did everyone else watch a different version of the show in which they were fighting over that one essek shirt lmfao. #ANYWAY pls know that every time liam is funny about sg or essek I do think about the fact that this opinion STILL exists. #and those thoughts are spiteful and vindictive. #cr discourse #ig

[f1byjessie]

A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS ━━ LN4.

sometimes the right words are hard to come across, and sometimes everything you need to say can be captured in an image.

( lando norris x photographer!reader )

━━ part five.

There’s a part of you that wants to be spiteful and decline his call━ to give him even a minuscule taste of what you’ve been experiencing. It’s hard to just forget days worth of lunches spent locked away in a bathroom stall crying over his radio silence, and if he could feel even a fragment of that desperate helplessness then the fiercely vindictive part of you would be satiated.

At the same time, you also feel like you’ve been shocked back to life. Just seeing his name and catching a glimpse of the grinning selfie he set as his contact image all those years ago, makes you feel like a piece of home has been returned to you. You know deep down that there was never really any other option than to answer.

So you do.

You get halfway through saying his name when he interrupts you━ “Garrett Ward? Of all the people you could date, you choose Garrett Ward?”

The venom in his tone stuns you into silence. He sounds angry━ really, truly, genuinely angry.

Lando scoffs, “I mean, don’t you have standards?”

You’d known there must’ve been a reason for the unresponsiveness, and an ignorant part of you had hoped the unanswered texts and calls were a byproduct of his busy vacationing. You’d wanted to believe that when he called he’d have some wild story of getting lost in the jungles of Bali without signal, or that he’d lost his phone in the wilderness of the Australian Outback.

Ignoring the posts on Instagram proving otherwise was easy enough when you’d been limiting your own online activity to avoid the never-ending hatred splashed across your feed.

Deep down, however, you recognized the avoidance for what it was from the very beginning.

You know you should feel justified in being angry when he has no right to be so judgmental of you and your choices━ if he gets to be petty then so do you━ but the combination of Garrett’s surprise visit and the amendment to your agreement, and now the sudden vehemence of Lando’s own disdainful words have thrown you off kilter. It’s like you’ve taken a step off the worn path and now you can’t tell which way is back to the trail. Everywhere you turn it’s just another metaphorical boot looking to kick you back down.

You want so badly to be angry, and to rage, and shout right back at Lando that he doesn’t know the first thing about what you’ve had to sacrifice to get where you are━ that he doesn’t get to shame you for being with Garrett Ward if it means protecting what you’ve worked your entire life for. But it’s hard to feel confident when so little of your life is actually in your own control, and when someone behind the scenes can take everything you’ve worked so hard for and throw it away with the right words to the right people it makes you feel small and insignificant.

Nothing you do matters if it can so easily be erased.

So instead of yelling right back that Lando needs to watch his mouth and quit spewing shit about things he knows nothing about, you sit there and take it.

“Do you even know what they’re saying about you online?” He keeps talking. “They’re calling you a cheap whore, and a gold digger because why else would anyone in their right mind be with a lowlife like Garrett Ward? Seriously, of all the people, you pick the prick of all pricks?”

Beneath the frustration in his voice you can hear the slur of intoxication, and with anyone else it would give you hope that maybe they don’t mean what all they’re saying━ that the drunkenness is just encouraging him to go on a tangent and exacerbating the teasing he usually takes part in━ except you know that Lando’s drunk words are often his sober thoughts. They’re the things he wouldn’t normally let himself say for any number of reasons, but the liquid courage of whatever he’s had to drink has removed the filter his anxiety normally keeps in place and everything’s coming out whether he wants it to or not.

“I mean, do you know what this could do to your reputation? The comments are just filled with people tearing you apart and saying anyone could probably have their way with you because you’re a slut.”

Everything he’s saying now is what he believes.

“Obviously I know you’re not a slut, and the people we work with know you’re not a slut, but nobody else knows you the way I do━” he clears his throat. “We do,” he corrects. “Which means they see those comments about you sleeping with every athlete you work with, and that you’ve only got your job by fucking your way to the top, and they believe them. And I don’t want them to believe them, because you’re not a slut.”

He groans, “But Garrett Ward? Garrett fucking Ward? Like, were you drunk or something when he asked you out? Because nobody in their right mind would soberly agree to be Garrett Ward’s girlfriend.”

Honestly, you wish you would’ve been drunk when you’d succumbed to Garrett’s threats. Maybe it would’ve softened the blow a bit, or at least given you something to blame it all on━ remove the shame by passing the responsibility off onto a bottle of wine, a few shots, maybe a martini or two.

“I thought you were smarter than that,” he scoffs, continuing with his vitriolic rant. “You of all people should know that getting involved with athletes is risky, but especially guys with reputations like his. He’s been caught by the paps going to three different girls’ houses in a single night. Is that the type of guy you wanna associate with?”

You’d thought you would be okay with being berated and yelled at if it just meant getting to hear his voice again, but you’ve realized by now that there’s probably nothing more painful than having Lando be genuinely upset with you.

He pretends to be upset a lot, when he’s joking around. He once spent an entire weekend talking to you exclusively by using Carlos as a middle-man when you’d posted a picture of him for April Fools that hadn’t been the most flattering, and he’d only broken at the end when you mentioned you’d be sure to get his good side, to which he’d chimed in predictably that all sides were his good sides.

Apart from a handful of rare moments that are few and far between, you don’t think you’ve ever actually seen Lando genuinely mad━ and never at you specifically.

It makes you miserable.

And the reason why it makes you miserable makes you even more miserable.

You aren’t sure when it happened━ can’t place it exactly, the change was so gradual━ but at some point in time, the feelings you felt for Lando stopped being platonic and started being more. More than what friends feel for each other. More than what friends should feel for each other, especially friends that work together in an industry where everything exposed to the public eye is scrutinized and studied beneath a microscope to be criticized and torn apart.

When the realization hit you, however, that the butterflies in your stomach, the giddiness in your heart, and the overall sudden behavior change to that of a girl with a schoolyard crush was all for Lando, you shoved it down and locked it away with the thought that if you didn’t acknowledge the feelings, then they might eventually disappear as so many of your other crushes had in the past.

The only issue was that you still worked alongside him and he was still himself, and instead of the feelings fading away with time, they just got stronger. Stronger, more obvious, and harder for you to ignore.

But for the sake of your friendship and your career, you did. You had to.

You kept it all hidden away and played the part of the perfect friend, content that if you couldn’t have him in the way you wanted then at least you could stay by his side in the way you already were. You’d get over it eventually━ you would have to. He’d find someone else, and that would be the end of it.

It doesn’t make things any easier, though.

There’s a voice that sounds suspiciously like Daniel in the background on Lando’s end, but whatever he’s saying is too quiet for you to understand. All you gather is that whatever it is, Lando disagrees, and then the call drops and you’re plunged back into the unsettlingly loud quietness of your office.

There’s a different man’s voice echoing in your head now, and you’re loathe to say it, but you wish it was still Garrett’s.

Just a few hours later and you’ve made it to the end of the day, but it’s still a few hours that you’ve had to sit and stew with your emotions. The frustration and hurt has simmered low in the pit of your stomach and now it burns high, transformed into rage. It feels like a fire curling up within you━ blazing at your insides, leaving everything it can reach singed with the heat of your anger.

If Lando wants to play this game, you will play along.

You’ve played a role for years now━ hidden your real feelings behind the kind of feelings that are appropriate for friends to have, said the things friends are supposed to say, did the things friends are supposed to do. You’re not a stranger to wearing a facade, and this thing you have with Garrett is just another role you’ve been reluctant to accept.

But if Garrett gets something out of this agreement with you, then you might as well get something out of it for yourself as well.

If he wants you to be a good little girlfriend, then that’s what you’ll be, and if it gets on Lando’s nerves then even better.

You find Garrett in the physio’s office, scrolling through his phone with a pack of ice resting on his foot. There’s no one else around, so you figure he’s at the tail end of his appointment and is just following the last of the instructions given to him.

He looks up when you open the door, and raises an eyebrow.

“Can I help you?”

“Actually, you can,” you answer. “I’ll play along with this little plan of yours, like, really play along, be a good girlfriend, the whole shebang. But I want something out of it.”

He scoffs, “ More than the reputation of being a footballer’s girlfriend?”

“If I’m giving my all, then so will you.” You say instead of answering, taking pride in the way his brows dip down low and his eyes narrow.

Your phone pings in your pocket, and you spare a glance down at it.

“Sorry about Lando,” says Daniel’s text. “He was drunk and didn’t know what he was saying. Don’t listen to him.”

You swipe out of it without answering. What’s done is done. Neither of you can go back.

When you look back up at Garrett, he’s appraising you thoughtfully, and then he nods.

“Deal.”

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━━ tags: @maih23 @urfavnoirette @leclercsluv @f1luvur @formulaal @a-disturbing-self-reflection @starlightpierre @chezmardybum @marshmummy @405rry @sideboobrry11 @d3kstar @mcmuppet @happylittlereader @casperlikej @5starl1ght @bellezaycafe @whentheautumnleavesfall @mess-is-my-aesthetic @ssprayberrythings

━━ a/n: this part took so long to write, partly because i was struggling with just how i wanted to do it and then partly because i have just been so busy the past few days and didn't have time to work on it. the last little bit with garrett was actually written on my phone at a club earlier, so if it seems rushed or out of place, that's why, please forgive me, i was just did not want to work on this part any more 🥲

#formula 1 #formula one #f1 #formula 1 imagine #f1 imagine #formula one imagine #f1 x reader #formula 1 x reader #formula one x reader #f1 fanfic #f1 fic #social media au #lando norris #lando norris x reader #lando norris imagine #ln4 #oscar piastri

[ideasarestuckinmyhead]

Some more bittersweet thoughts.

When Al was in the city do you think he had days he couldn't look himself in the mirror bc all he saw was his Father's disappointed face?

Like, his father couldn't belive the boy he raised lovingly turned into a con man. Or even smelled something that his mom always wore or smelled like? Just ended up crying bc he just really needed his parents one day.

But I can't help but think about Seth too. Like when he came back to town around Christmas he said Al almost looked like his dad right? Do you think he couldn't look Al in the eyes some days? He'd get a glimpse of the people who raised him when his parents couldn't. The people that tried to give him what he didn't have, do you think he ever feels guilt clutching his throat?

Almost choking him? Do you think he ever paused and thought of how they would think of him now? The little brown haired boy that had those eyes filled with child wonder, now being so dull and devoid of life? Or the hatred he had chasing him to be spiteful of everything?

I wonder if Boo reminds Al and Seth of Alphonse's parents. Like Boo's cooking taste like Al's mom's, or even their hugs felt like his Dad's. Or even how they sounded for a quick second. You know how sometimes someone sounds like a person you lost and you don't belive it and whip your head to them. Just to see a glimpse of the person you lost just wanting them back?

Or even hearing their voice when no ones home and you can't help but cry bc you just wanted to hear them one last time. I wonder if Alphonse will ever look at those pictures of his parents again. Do you think he's forgetting what they look like slowly? How their voice is? What they're touch was? Would he be as tall as his dad by now? Would his mom still be able to give him a bone crushing hug?

I bet Al has those days he sits and thinks. My parents would have loved them, when Boo does something he parents would have done. Or even in general how Boo changed him for the better, well more like helped him. And if Al ever did marry Boo do you think he would sob bc his parents couldn't be there? Not being able to see their little boy marry someone he loves so much? That impacted his life so deeply? That stuck with him even when shit hit the fan?

Would he have two chairs in the front row for them? Just to have them bc he didn't have the heart not to? Do you think he ever visits their Graves? Or has he not bc the guilt he has weights him down? If he does do you think he talks so much about Boo? Along with everything that happened with Seth? Derek? Just keeping his parents up with his life.

Do you think Seth ever visited their Graves? To apologize for keeping Al away from them? For stealing him away and breaking him down? Do you think he ever misses that warm house in his childhood when things were simpler for him? Before the judgmental eyes and the vindictive whispers caused him to leave it?

I have lots of questions and honestly the more I think about them the more I wanna cry.

#yuurivoice #yuurivoice seth #sometjmes i dont like how i think so deeply aboht things #red's emotional #🔥im so tired🔥 #red writes

[anonymoushouseplantfan]

I am listening to it on audible and am still only half way through but so far have a few thoughts

1. ⁠It is actually very boring

2. ⁠You can feel the treachery, spite, vindictiveness, deceit, victimhood, maliciousness, envy, paranoia, delusion and manipulation in every sentence, Its oozes into my pores and makes me feel unclean just listening to it. I cannot think of a book I have enjoyed less.

3. ⁠The weird and constant mentions of his mum are just bizarre. I understand the tragedy of him losing her so young, but I am sure his reactions to it are not typically normal for what is now a grown man. He is batshit crazy.

4. ⁠He has long gratuitous sections about killing rabbits, deer, pheasants, and talks at length about the blood, gore and disembowelling. It literally made me feel sick.

5. ⁠He has a grandiose sense of self-importance that is utterly delusional.

6. ⁠His constant references to his drug taking are over the top. He acts like it is totally normal. I understand why this plays a part in his autobiography since he seems to have spent so much of his time taking them. But he seems to glorify it with no introspection on the dangers, and revels in spilling all the details with no cares for the people who have loyally tried to cover up for him over the years. Despite the fact he talks about leaking and planting by his family it is obvious how much they have covered for him.

7. ⁠He doesn't seem to give a damn if he destroys the monarchy, and after reading the book that is what I think he is intent on doing. He misses no opportunity to add in any malicious adjectives, unnecessary anecdote, unflattering (and unlikely) quotes about his family and throws shade and blame on to them whenever he can. He comes over as so petty and malicious. You get the sense that he feels that if he can't be king he will blow the whole thing up.

8. ⁠It is abundantly clear he has no real love for his dad, brother, or grandfather from the way he talks about them, and it is questionable that he even loved the queen. He shows no empathy or respect for them and makes them look bad whenever he can. He can talk all he likes about reconciliation but he has burnt every bridge and if he were my son or brother, he would be dead to me. There is no purpose to a reconciliation - if it is not for love then it is for his own self-serving purposes.

9. ⁠When you read the whole book rather than listening to excerpts, some stories fade into insignificance. For example the losing his virginity story is a minor mention in passing. But what you don't get from the excerpts is the whole sense of nastiness pervading every paragraph. Before reading it I really didn't like Harry, but blamed Meghan far more. Never before have a read an autobiography where someone has the chance to write the narrative of their own life in a way that is supposedly flattering, and I have found myself liking them even less, despising them in fact. He is an utterly nasty piece of work......and I am still only half way through the book.

I'm so glad you wrote it up. Thank you.

I think part of the sense of boredom is that the writing gets monotonous after a while. Also, you are immersed inside Harry's head and he really has no empathy for anyone. When I finished the first few chapters, I felt like I was reading one of those 80s anti-hero novels like American Psycho, where you are looking at things from the viewpoint of a sociopath. The way he focuses on the bedroom sheets and the hole in his shoe and even the way he spoke of women ("she was perfect, perfect, perfect") struck as very Patrick Bateman.

I agree as to the nastiness, hence the American Psycho reference above. One of the passages that most struck me was when the Diana Ghost Leopard shows up and his bodyguards are alarmed. He explains that they were alarmed because if the leopard mauled him the headlines would be horrible. It didn't seem to cross his mind that the bodyguards were scared because they did not want him hurt. He only thought of the headlines. That, to me, shows how warped his mindset is.

Ditto on the Diana segments. It feels almost sweet at first because the first chapters of the book deal with his childhood, but then it turns weird really quickly.

I'm surprised not that many people have talked about the hunting gore. It's very striking and, frankly, alien. I know hunters (at least in the US) and I've never heard of any describing the kills like this. It was truly disturbing, and I'm not anti-hunting. It's just that he seemed to enjoy the gore a little too much.

He is very arrogant, particularly for someone who was supposedly raised with an inferiority complex for being a spare.

Drugs seem to be a part of his identity, which surprised me since I'd bought into the "Hero Harry" image. I don't know if that was always the case, or if he bought into the California drug culture when he arrived there, but it's striking.

He does want to destroy the monarchy. That comes across very clearly.

He seems very detached from everyone in his family, and yet passionately attached to the image he has built of his mom (a tabloid-based image!). It's an interesting contrast. He has no empathy for Will's position at all or for his dad's struggles. His family relationships seemed to be stuck at a childhood developmental level--mom is the perfect nurturer, father is all-powerful, and brother is a rival.

It is all very nasty, and I'm surprised someone didn't step in to explain that to him.

[wuxianxkexing]

This face. I'm going to talk about it. Spoilers below!

So my pathetic little meow meow looks kind of unhinged here. I've said that much already. But what exactly is he thinking in this moment?

From a storytelling perspective Heaven Official's Blessing doesn't really have a main villain by this point. Pei Ming is the closest thing to one since he caused and ignored the Bridegroom and he tried to sweep his deputy's crimes in Banyue under the rug. However while those things might make him a "bad" guy that isn't quite main villain of the story material since he hadn't really gone after our main character Xie Lian all that hard. Yeah, he tried to shift the focus onto Xie Lian hanging out with Crimson Rain, but it wasn't really personal. He wasn't trying to drag Xie Lian down since he also spoke in his defense and said that Xie Lian was probably just tricked. He just wanted to shift the focus off of his deputy but failed to. Still a dick move to Xie Lian, but at least it wasn't personal? 😅 Or at least it wasn't personal until the very end when he realized that he wasn't going to be able to save his deputy after all.

But from a storytelling perspective having Mu Qing make this expression puts him on the radar as potentially being the story's main villain. At this point all we know about Mu Qing is pretty negative? He used to be Xie Lian's servant but left/betrayed him to ascend to godhood. He clearly still remembered Xie Lian though Xie Lian didn't recognize him and he seemed miffed by that fact. In the books it is revealed that he hangs out in the communication array all day every day, supposedly because he is catty and loves gossip and he has no friends. He is shown to have beef with General Nan Yang, who forgave Xie Lian's absolutely massive debt out of the kindness of his heart and who in this very episode publicly sides himself with our main character when he is concerned about him getting hurt. The audience realizes that Feng Xin is actually a pretty good dude, and naturally we are suspicious of anyone who openly hates him as much as Mu Qing does. Then Mu Qing makes that face. At this point the audience can only assume that Mu Qing made that face because he is a huge asshole and hates Xie Lian. The main villain has to be either him or Pei Ming. Right? They both have personal beef with him, and figuring out which of them is going to be the main villain gives the audience something to think about. I think this is why MXTX decided to have him make this face. The story needs a main villain but she wasn't ready to reveal them just yet so she kind of pretended to throw us a bone to keep us interested.

Ignoring the overall story reasons and focusing on the in world reason that I think Mu Qing made this face: He is just vindictive. Not towards Xie Lian, but Yong'An. Xie Lian describes him as both petty and spiteful. Up until Mu Qing makes his friendship confession and tries to kill himself afterwards the audience doesn't really know any better of him. I've seen some people say that he made that face because he was glad that Xie Lian isn't as perfect as he thought, but I don't think that is the case at all. If you actually hated someone for being too perfect would you even /want/ to be their friend? Let alone be willing to throw yourself into a volcano for them? Nah. Most people try to avoid people that they hate, so Mu Qing wouldn't have even helped out during the Bridegroom arc, or if he did then he would've only done it to sabotage the mission (which he didn't).

But knowing how spiteful and petty Mu Qing is having him make this face upon hearing that the former crown prince of his kingdom massacred the royal family of their invaders? That makes perfect sense for his character. This scene reveals that deep in his heart he is glad that the Yong'an royal family "got what they deserved." They destroyed his home country and they set into motion the process of him losing his 2 best friends as well. Arguably they are the root cause of a lot of his suffering. As for the frown after he was done having his moment I think that the revelation of why/how Xie Lian did it kind of ruined his revenge fantasy. Xie Lian did kill the Yong'an king to protect the former people of Xianle, but he didn't go on the cool V for Vendetta campaign that Mu Qing had hoped for. Which maybe that is a problem too but at least you can see where he is coming from.

Ultimately I think Mu Qing had a very real and human reaction to the news, but it only makes sense with context. Otherwise he just seems like a crazy person. Like all I can think of when I see that face is that if Mu Qing was the one poisoned by the Land of the Tenders instead of Xie Lian he would've had the worst bloodlust ever known to mankind. He is still my little meow meow though.

#heaven officials blessing #tgcf #mu qing #pei ming

[epickiya722]

I have made this argument before and I wanna see if it flies here: I don't think Sukuna counts as a hater. Because he doesn't care enough about anyone to truly hate them. He IS a huge bastard that treat people like plaything and disrespect them, but I never saw any of it as coming from a place of hatred? Even towards Yuji with how much bullshit he put him through and dissing him, I don't see that as coming from any feeling of hate, just the dismissness one treats a toy you not longer care to play with.

Ooh, okay hear me out because I do see where you're coming from, Anon. In fact, I do agree.

Sukuna does come off as someone who doesn't really spends his energy hating on someone as in "eh, what's the point".

Sometimes, you gotta have some bit of sense to care about something or someone to even feel anything else for them.

To care, is to acknowledge revelance and well, evident enough Yuji is the last person Sukuna would find important, huh?

But, hope you don't mind, I want to add onto this a bit more because I have thoughts and well...

I am (finally ╥﹏╥) finishing up a post I have had since January that is about how Sukuna views Yuji. (Kid you not.)

Now, before anybody says anything, yes, you can say Sukuna is a hater. He is indeed a Hater, with a capital H. But he really shows that behavior towards only Yuji verbally. Like... I can't recall him ever being so vindictive towards anybody else but Yuji.

He has expressed annoyance towards others and more recently even small moments of anger. Sometimes, he's even dismissive.

But with Yuji? Yuji won't even be in the same vicinity and he hates on him. He has this special animosity towards Yuji.

Why does he though? What's the reason?

This is what I suppose.

Sukuna definitely hated Yuji and probably still does because he was more of a cage to him than just a vessel. When Sukuna first was reincarnated and Yuji suppressed him, that actually was Sukuna's first L of the series. No doubt he despises him for it. Promised a second chance at life and a vessel and when you get that vessel? He controls you not you control him.

Come chapter 248, we get a bit more as to why Sukuna hates Yuji. No matter what he does, Yuji continues to get back up. His resolve is so strong that not even the King of Curses can break him at this point. And because of that, Sukuna decides to continue on where Kenjaku left off just to spite him.

But thinking about it... why? The thing is Sukuna never really had a goal in mind besides wanting to kill people for the hell of it. He does what he wants whenever he wants. He eats whatever he pleases. Something pisses him off, he gets rid of it.

So doesn't it seem off that Sukuna is actually going the extra mile just because of some teenage boy irks him? Is taking over for Kenjaku to merge humanity actually necessary? Just to spite Yuji?

Yuji ain't the only one attacking him, so why just antagonize him? He doesn't find anyone else boring?

You said the right word, Anon. Sukuna treats Yuji as a "toy". He treats Yuji like a toy. But he also does for everyone else. Everyone else (except Uraume really and he really doesn't pay much mind to Kenjaku and we don't know his relationship with Tengen) is a toy for Sukuna. There is not one person he genuinely cares enough for spare their life. Everyone he has fought was just entertainment for him. He killed people just because. He breaks people because he can.

And even though Yuji is one of those toys to him, Yuji is a toy that Sukuna keeps picking back up. He ignores him, but then goes right back to turning his attention on him. No matter what he does, Yuji is a Nokia phone. He's practically immune to Sukuna's tomfoolery.

If I had to say, if Sukuna doesn't hate Yuji, he hates what he stands for. He hates the idea that Yuji is fighting him and willing to die because he's selfless and wants to save people. Opposite of Sukuna's selfishness and entertainment to torture people.

#this was just sitting in my drafts because my mind has been elsewhere for a while... #yeah... #kiya answers #jjk #jujutsu kaisen #jjk spoilers #jjk manga spoilers #itadori yuji #yuji itadori #yuuji itadori #itadori yuuji #sukuna #ryomen sukuna #sukuna ryomen #ryoumen sukuna #sukuna ryoumen

[thelocalscepticx]

the atlas paradox after thoughts

{SPOILERS}

- callum is so broken and i think hes such an interesting character to analyze. like the thoughts of 'if you could feel everyones emotions all the time, you would have to shut off your own or you would fucking shatter'

-tristan needs to get his shit together ngl

- NICO AND GIDEON FINALLY

- hc libby is a lesbian and belen deserved better

- libby is imo the most cruel and manipulative person of the six. it was true in the first book its true now

- tho we love a corruption arc

- ngl kinda hope ezra lives. like did he do shitty things? yes. should you kidnap ur ex to 'save the world'? probably not. did i disagree with some of his philosophy and reasonings.... next question. also the fact that i think that that interaction would be really fucking fascinating. (i just want to have him and atlas yell at eachother more so i can critique their relationship more)

- parisa is and always will be the queen of my heart. i want more callum and parisa moments im the next book because i think theyre so similar and seeing their banter cracks me up

- if libby and tristan end up together i will literally cry and throw up and shit my pants in rage they are AWFUL together.

- belen deserved better pt 2

- i think reina didnt do much this book (other than possibly draft a damn pantheon) so im hoping we see her research come to fruition in the next book

- suddenly i love dalton? like him and parisa burning it to the ground? mania? madness? im living for it

-callum x tristan supremacy. they remind me of those broken plates that you mend with gold and they become more beautiful

- does anyone remember all the shit callum said about the 6 in the first book?

"Libby Rhodes was an anxious impending meltdown whose decisions were based entirely on what she had allowed the world to shape her into. She was more powerful than all of them except for Nico, and of course she was. Because that was her curse: regardless of how much power she possessed, she lacked the dauntlessness to misuse it. She was too small-minded, too un-hungry for that. Too trapped within the cage of her own fears, her desires to be liked. The day she woke up and realized she could make her own world would be a dangerous one, but it was so unlikely it hardly kelt Callum up at night." (301)

"'Parisa is dangerous. She is angry," he clarified. "She is furious, vindictive, spiteful, naturally misanthropic. If she had Libby's power, or Nico's, she would have destroyed what remains of society by now...[she's here] to find a way to do it...Destroy things. The world possibly. Or control it. Whatever option suits her when she find it"'(305)

"Libby was a hero. Parisa was a villain. They would both be disappointed in the end." (300)

the way that all of this is being brought up again in TAP is beautiful

- callum is on his way to some sort of redemption/selfless arc i can TASTE IT and i crave it.

- everyone is hot. all the time. it hurts me

- blake is great at gaslighting me into making me think i understand any of the mathematic scientific bs they talk about at any given time

- theyre all so broken and in need of therapy

- i want callum to verbally destroy adrian caine

- i want all of them to succeed in their funky lil goals and become gods (except libby)

- speaking of libby- i think shed be a great villain

anyways. this series? owns my mf ass

#callum nova #tristan caine #parisa kamali #libby rhodes #dalton ellery #nico de varona #reina mori #atlas blakely #the atlas paradox #the atlas series #the atlas six #ta6 #after thoughts #ezra fowler #i love callum #parisa and callum are the loves of my life #gideon and nico are so cute #nico x gideon #tristan x callum #libby x belen #parisa x dalton #ace reina supremacy #novacaine

[jitterbugjive]

So, some people may have noticed this but I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want to bring attention to it and I wanted people to just assume it was someone theorizing. But it appears someone from my ex friend circle whom I had trusted with certain details of how Discord Whooves would end decided to stoop to a lower than low level and ruin the ending for anyone who stumbled on their posts that had been made on a blog made specifically to post spoilers and tag them with common tags Discord Whooves uses. I’m sure it was out of sheer spite towards me and the people who dared to support my work.

Saying bad things about me and things I’ve done and said, okay that’s justifiable. But going out of their way to take something I once trusted them with because I thought we were close friends, and then throwing it out for the world to see out of revenge against me and anyone following me? That’s just petty, immature, and a really low blow to make. Even if I really hated someone, I would never reveal their harmless secrets to the world just to get back at them. There’s a chance to be the better person, and at least have some code of ethics to know when it’s going too far. I deserved to be called out. I didn’t deserve to have my 12 years of work undermined by a vindictive person who can’t move forward, and my fans didn’t deserve it either because they are not even involved in this drama.

There is a point where revenge goes too far and one crosses over into just being villainously cruel.

It’s sad, and really pathetic that someone thinks they have to do everything in their power to screw me over in some way instead of trying to actually recover and get past the point of obsession over wanting to get back at me all the time.

I’m sorry the whole world isn’t against me like you want it to be. I’m sorry a lot of people believe in recovery and the fact that I feel terrible enough already about my shitty actions in the past and am doing everything in my power to avoid anything like that happening ever again. I’m sorry I’m not being bombarded by hoards of angry people calling me names and telling me to kill myself. I’m sorry my feeling horrible isn’t enough to satiate you and all you want is to see me suffer.

It’s been years now. YEARS. For the sake of your own mental well being, just cut me out of your life completely and stop obsessing over me. You already won. I am constantly in a state of panic thinking of this shit and how else it’s going to come and bite me in the ass. I lost the comic website I depended on, I’ve lost a huge chunk of my readership and no longer really have my ‘popular’ status. (very rarely get fan art, not being bombarded by asks constantly, no longer receive fan mail, original projects aren’t catching on very well) Selling commissions has gotten increasingly more difficult. My insomnia is worse than ever and I have to take heavy duty sedatives just to sleep because my mind won’t stop spiraling about this stuff. I cannot go a single day without feeling guilt, regret, self hatred, and doubt and wishing hopelessly that I just never did those things. I have severe trust issues and have almost no one I can feel comfortable enough sharing anything personal or story related with which was just made even WORSE by these recent actions, and I haven’t been able to form new bonds with anyone in years either.

I know I hurt you badly, I know what I did was incredibly wrong and irresponsible, and I don’t know how it’s affected you over the years but this rage and anger is not good for anyone. I don’t hate you. I just want you to be able to move on and learn to be healthy and happy and no longer stuck thinking about me and how much you hate me and want me to fall. I don’t want to be hurting you by just existing and trying to move on with my own life, and I wish there was something- ANYTHING I could do to bring you peace.

But the only one who can ultimately bring you peace is yourself. So you can keep on trying to claw and bite and drag me down with you, or you could be the better person and try to just move forward and put the past in the past where it belongs.

I’m not mad. I’m just incredibly disappointed. I would have thought you were better than this, but I was wrong. I was wrong to ever even trust you as a friend, and I wish we were never friends to begin with, or even ever met, and I’m sure you feel the same way.

#vent #drama

[the-world-of-nai]

birth chart analysis: taylor swift

today's celeb that we are going to be analyzing is miss americana herself, taylor swift. (also can we talk about how gorgeous this woman is because DANGGGGGGGGGGGGGG)

i am not a swiftie, but i do find taylor an interesting person. she is a narc but she doesn't seem like the crazy evil kind. she is ultra successful, so loved, but so hated.

┊ ┊ ┊ ┊ ┊ ┊ ┊ ┊ ┊ ┊ ˚★⋆｡˚ ⋆ ┊ ┊ ┊ ⋆ ┊ ┊ ★⋆ ┊ ◦ ★⋆ ┊ . ˚ ˚★

sun in ♐︎, 21 degrees

this makes taylor a sun ruled sagittarius. in other words, she is a sag with some leo vibes. sag people are free spirited. taylor values adventure, soul searching, and philosophy. she is a fun person who knows how to have a good time. she is spontaneous, adventurous, honest, funny, blunt, straightforward, authentic, rebellious, and spiritual/philosophical. she values truth and meaning to life. taylor sees her life as a constant journey and herself as the traveler. with the sun ruling over her, taylor likes to be in the spotlight. she also have a natural confidence/charisma to her. this leo influence can make her stubborn in her philosophical views and her needs for freedom/rebellion. naturally, this can make her someone who is non-committal and doesn't like to be told what to do. she has her own visions and her own truths, and no one can tell her otherwise. taylor may have the tendency to get bored easily. her mind is full of ideas. she is flamboyant and likes to command that attention. she can be quite femme fatale in nature due to her sagittarian confidence and free-spiritedness. she is an independent woman!

⋆｡‧˚ʚɞ˚‧｡⋆

moon in ♋︎

(she could also be a gemini moon, but most people agree she is a cancer moon so i will stick with that).

as a lunar cancer, taylor is sentimental and romantic at heart. she is compassionate and giving to those she values. she may have the tendency to reminisce a lot about the past. cancer placements can do this often. taylor lives in the past a lot; either romanticizing it or looking back at it with sadness, remorse, regret, etc. she does not open up to others very easily. in fact, she can be quite cold and uncaring to people she does not know. her close friends and family see the true extent of how self-sacrificing she can be to her loved ones. she cares and gives. she makes people feel safe, understood, and heard! however, the thing with lunar cancers is that they can become vindictive and spiteful if they feel unappreciated. it is one of their shadow traits. with this placement, taylor may have a habit of feeling overly sorry for herself and wallowing in her own victimhood. think: self pity parties. "i did all this for them, how dare they treat me this way? i am too nice and kind for my own good. people don't appreciate me and all i do for them!" that is something that can come out as a shadow trait of cancer placements. she may not voice it out loud, but it is what she is thinking. anyway, with this placement, taylor likes to be at home. her home and house are very important to her, and she always makes it a comfy, warm place that she can hide in.

⋆𐙚₊˚⊹♡

mercury in ♑︎

taylor is thorough, systematic, and precise. she is a detail oriented person. this placement can also mean that she works on projects with thoughts of how successful it will be and how much money or status she will obtain from the completion of it. like she will change her projects around and work on them according to that. commercial success and approval is important. she is quite traditional in her methods as well. she is a facts based person. she speaks thoroughly, slowly, can have a nerdy or cold voice.

⋆｡‧˚ʚɞ˚‧｡⋆

venus in ♒︎

ah yes, the venus in aqua. this placement is interesting to me. i honestly thought she was a cancer venus for so long. taylor is the type who does not fall in love very easily. aqua venus can be quite emotionally detached in romance. it can leave their partners wondering if they are even special at all LOL. her love language can be hard to understand because it is so unique. taylor really values friendship, perhaps even more than romantic love. she sees her lover as her best friend. she wants to be creative with her lover. she would love someone who inspires her to be better, inspires her creativity, and someone who she can work towards a bigger cause with. she values mental connection over everything. having good conversations and having her lover understand her way of thinking is very important. she values freedom and spontaneity in her relationships. venus in aquarius can also indicate a love for learning, writing, learning languages, etc. taylor makes her friends and lovers feel accepted. she is charitable and giving. she is honest, unique. she may often feel misunderstood by her lovers/friends. a bit of special snowflake syndrome. she wants to change the world in some way, be it environmentally or through charity work. these things bring her joy and satisfaction. she would want to do those things with her lover as well. taylor is a trailblazer and she likes to do things differently, in her own way. she likes to stand out and be unique. this can also make her a bit of a know it all, a bit of a 'pretentious artist' archetype. taylor is authentic, honest, and a bit of a quirky weirdo.

⋆𐙚₊˚⊹♡

mars in ♏︎

what a great placement tbh. taylor's work ethic is otherworldly. she will do anything and everything to accomplish what she has her eyes on, and she will tear anyone/anything down if it gets in her way. she is laser focused on her goals. taylor pours her heart and soul into what she wants to accomplish. mars in scorpio is extremely ambitious. no one can tell them no, for real. you don't want to get on taylor's bad side either because when she's mad she will destroy you. she can become very vengeful and harsh when she is mad or hurt. taylor is intuitive with this placement and the cancer moon as well. she has a strong intuition and a bit of psychic abilities perhaps. one of her shadow traits may be manipulation of those around her to get what she wants. nonetheless, this placement also gives her a lot of empathy and strong emotions. she feels emotions strongly and processes them slowly, thoroughly. she likes to go deeper. she'll ask herself things like: 'why did this hurt me?' etc. taylor may find herself stuck on her traumas from the past and holds grudges against those who hurt her. like, it's hard for her to let go of past pains. but with her empathy, she is forgiving and understanding of others.

┊ ┊ ┊ ┊ ┊ ┊ ┊ ┊ ┊ ┊ ˚★⋆｡˚ ⋆ ┊ ┊ ┊ ⋆ ┊ ┊ ★⋆ ┊ ◦ ★⋆ ┊ . ˚ ˚★

anyway, that's all for today's analysis! lmk what you think. i been watching the 1989 world tour clips and i wish i could've seen it live cuz it looks amazing. lmk who i should do next!

#astrology #astro notes #astrology community #astrology observations #birth chart #analysis #astroblr #astro observations #zodiac #zodiac signs #horoscopes #horoscope #cancer #libra #taurus #celebrity astrology #astro #astral #astrologist #astroloji #spirituality #loa #manifest #manifestation #tropical astrology #taylor swift #taylor #swift #swifites #1989 taylor's version

[irkendogma]

tak is the main antagonist for this crossover fic im writing and due to the lack of canon content beyond literally that one episode and some of etf, sometimes i worry im not doing her any justice or it’s too ooc. what do you think would be the best way to write tak in your opinion? (if you happen to have any advice on the matter. just wondering! byeeee💃)

i'm genuinely so relieved at the specification of "in your opinion" because i have such a strange long-lasting attachment to tak that i think i would second-guess my thoughts on her in an objective vacuum to the point of just saying "she should be purple". but as it is i now have the freedom to go stupid crazy about it

i think there's a number of crucial elements to tak, but i think the one that people miss most in writing her is that she isn't just meant to be a more competent counterpart to zim - she's a direct parallel in terms of her ego, motivation, and backstory (the latter particularly as a result of treatment by irken society)

like zim, tak has an enormous ego and an audacity that places herself above anyone else, even the empire itself (see: her custom invader insignia. that's like drawing a crucifix but substituting yourself for jesus after being refused by the church), and like zim, in spite of her disregard for the empire's rulings she's striving for recognition both by it and within it (to quote her: "the plan i have in store for this nasty rock will so impress the tallest that they'll have no choice but to make me an invader"). the same way zim "quit being banished", tak "escaped" from the janitorial squad she was placed under as a stopgap job until the next elite test in seventy years

i've seen some people write her as tall, but in my opinion her being only very, very slightly taller than zim is not just a stylistic choice but an essential part of her character that draws her backstory together: technically that janitorial job wasn't even a punishment, it was just deemed the most suitable position for her in the absence of official imperial proof that she was capable of anything "better" or "higher" that would've been afforded to a taller more easily

that she made it so far in the elite course at all in spite of her height gives context and precedent to the competence and sheer refusal to admit defeat she exhibits in her attempt to destroy earth, a planet she initially believes is already undergoing an officially-sanctioned invasion judging from how bitterly she tells zim about what should've been "rightfully hers", down to specifically mentioning the great assigning - loops back to her audacity, in that she has zimlike degrees of ego regardless of how hard the circumstances logistically are aligned to stomp her back down (see again her quote where she confidently states her plan to hijack an official invasion will impress the tallest to the point they won't mind her flagrantly flaunting the rules). she would've spent so much of her life striving to meet her own exceedingly high expectations, not the exceedingly low ones assumed of someone her height, that this likely isn't far from her standard procedure of "show them i can do it better than the rules say"

what sets her apart from zim, i think, is in how much she's allowed herself to let those miserable expectations get to her and leave her pettier, more vindictive, less grandstanding speeches like zim than showing off everything she's capable of as often as possible, no matter how necessary (ALL the stupid parkour she does for no reason) - which i think is admittedly less her fault than partially being the result of her having actually experienced her confidence failing her when the entire future she'd set up for herself was pulled out from underneath her

unlike zim, who experiences failure regularly but never has it truly sink in, tak had the entirety of her progress wiped off the board in a single moment as a result of circumstances entirely beyond her control: i think a large part of the reason she resents zim so deeply and sincerely isn't solely because of the practical consequences of her missing her test (though it is in no way insignificant to it) but because he was the one who broke her streak - he was the one who made her brutally aware that no matter how she built herself up, no matter what proof she offered, she could still fail and be crushed into exactly the nobody she was expected to be

and she just cannot abide that, no matter what, because even if the memory of helplessness and humiliation will never go away (not that she'd acknowledge it wouldn't), if she can make him hurt the same way maybe that will give back to her some of the power and control over her life and her identity that she lost in losing her potential status as a real, sanctioned invader

also, i do think she should be purple. she seems to have a great attachment to aesthetics and individual style, given her custom pseudo-elite uniform (which we see her wearing even in training, on her test day), the fact she designed and programmed her hologram specifically to have the distinguishing marking of a beauty spot in the same place she has one on her actual face, and her penchant for making nearly every damn piece of her tech purple some way (minus mimi, who while being her own bootleg SIR unit still follows the same red color scheme as a functional one) - even the cockpit of the spittle runner she pilots is initially purple before it's ejected as an escape pod, and the magma pump's interior looks like this:

girl likes giving things her own little touches whether that's in terms of her trademark color, her near-blasphemous custom imperial logo, or her doing a tactical slide between bars of a railing instead of just stepping normally onto the floor

#i am so sorry this post turned out this damn long. i really like her #also i'll admit here i think tak's ego is more impressive because she doesn't even have the arguable delusions that zim can use a shortcut #she just developed that thing through sheer force of will and trained her skills to support her claims

[wheresarizona]

Learning to Live Part 3

summary: You’re having a wonderful time on your second date with Javier when his ex interrupts, revealing details of his past in order to put a strain on your new relationship.

rating: E (18+!!! Smut in this chapter. Phone sex, dirty talk, masturbation (f and m), talks of creampies, heavy make out session, lots of kissing, hurt/comfort, a little angst (but we make Javi feel better), feelings, not Lorraine friendly.)

pairing: Javier Peña/f!reader

word count: 6500+

A/N: This takes place post-Colombia and S3, summer of 1998 in Laredo. As many of you guessed, Lorraine is going to make an appearance and she’s not kind. But do not worry, Javi will feel much better by the end of the chapter! I know this is so quick after I posted the last update but I had most of it written. Expect feelings and as a treat some smut 😏😏😏, because let’s be honest, Javi and Cielito can’t help themselves. I’ve got a minimum one more chapter and epilogue planned! Thank you for reading and commenting, I am loving the response to this series! As always, this is dedicated to my love and inspiration, @juletheghoul and shoutout to my beta, @invisibleismyname, who makes me a better writer and is the best. ❤️❤️❤️

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“Hey, Javi,” a woman said, Texas drawl strong as she stood beside the table.

You watched as the happy, genuine, smile on his face vanished, eyes closing for a second as he took in a deep breath, readying himself for the interaction, breathing out a whispered fuck. You saw the mask come over his face—the clearly forced smile, the tightness around his eyes, the crinkle between his eyebrows a little more prominent. His hands were clenched on the table as he turned his head towards her.

“Hi, Lorraine,” he said, tone a bit tight.

You wondered who she was and why she was making Javi so uncomfortable. You looked at her, noticing the nice clothes, designer bag, and big diamond on her freshly manicured fingers. You thought there was the possibility she was an ex, with the way he’d gone stiff—definitely not someone he’d want to run into while on a date.

“I’m picking up dinner for the family and wanted to say hi and introduce myself to your… lady friend.” She said the last bit with disdain as she turned to look at you, and your eyes narrowed slightly before you schooled your features. Definitely an ex, you decided. “Hi, I’m Lorraine.” She stuck her hand out to you, and you gave it a friendly shake. “I’m sure Javi’s told you all about me if he brought you here,” she chuckled.

You didn’t know what the implication of him bringing you to this restaurant meant, but you could tell from her demeanor that she wasn’t being kind.

“I’m sorry,” you said, putting on a polite smile. “I have no idea who you are.”

Lorraine looked like she’d sucked on a lemon.

“You must not be that serious if he didn’t tell you about me. I’m his ex-fianceé, the woman he left at the altar seventeen years ago before he ran off to whore around Colombia—Or wait,” her eyes turned towards him. “Is it whoring if you’re paying for it, Javier?”

You saw his eyes widen, and throat bob, panic clear on his face, and many things suddenly made sense—him not thinking he was good enough, the reputation, him constantly doubting himself, guilt. Anger was roaring in your belly that this woman would be so spiteful, putting him on the spot and trying to humiliate him all because he was on a date. You were having none of it, and Javi looked like he’d just been punched in the gut.

“It’s been gr—” he started.

“Wow, Lorraine,” you interrupted, and the other woman’s attention turned back to you. “I’m sorry about what happened to you, but it’s been seventeen years, you said? And now you’ve got a family and have clearly moved on, so I don’t get why you felt it was necessary to bring up those things in front of a stranger. It was a bit vindictive, you know? Makes you seem bitter and a bit jealous, which honestly aren’t great looks. But thanks for the information I didn’t ask for! Happy to say I’m an adult who understands that Javier is human, and makes mistakes like everybody else in the world.” You put on a fake, cheery smile. “It was so nice meeting you, and this has been such a great first impression! I’d like to get back to my date with this really great guy, who it looks like has been dodging bullets since before the DEA. Hope you enjoy your dinner!” And then you looked at Javi, your smile shifting into something real as Lorraine stood in your peripheral, her mouth opening and shutting like a fish, eyes wide, and face glowing red through the layers of makeup.

He was looking at you, eyes wide and mouth slightly open, and you could see him processing what had just happened, and then you watched his face soften, and a look of adoration taking over his features, and you felt yourself melt at being the recipient of such a look.

“It was nice catching up, Lorraine,” he said, not even bothering to look at her. “Like she said,” he paused for a second. And that made you smile even bigger. “Hope you enjoy your dinner.”

Lorraine turned on him, huffing.

“Fuck you, Javier Peña,” she seethed, turning on her heel and leaving, grabbing her bags of food from the front counter.

“She was delightful,” you said.

“That’s one way of describing her.”

You leaned forward conspiratorially, a look of mischief in your eyes as you smiled slyly. “Thought it was nicer than just outright saying she was a bitch.”

He laughed, a full belly laugh, that took him a good thirty seconds to calm down from.

“That’s a better descriptor,” he replied.

You put your hand back onto the table, offering it to him, and it didn’t surprise you when he took it. What did surprise you was how he leaned forward and brought your hand up, kissing the back of it, his eyes never leaving yours.

You gulped.

“Thank you,” he said as he sat back in his seat, laying your hands back down. His thumb was rubbing circles in your skin, and the look was back—the look he saved just for you. His eyes had softened, and the little smile he had on was genuine and sweet, making your heart pound in your chest.

“It was nothing,” you shrugged. “What she did was a real dick move. Honestly, I don’t blame you for leaving her at the altar. I wouldn’t want to be stuck with someone like that for the rest of my life.” He grimaced. “Sorry!” You said quickly. “That was insensitive.”

His free hand ran through his hair, messing it up slightly, as he sighed.

“There’s more to the story,” he said.

“You don’t have to tell me if it’s not something you want to talk about,” you reassured. “I can tell you beat yourself up about it—I mean for goodness sake, Javi, you hardly believe me when I try to tell you you're good. I know you’ve got a chip on your shoulder and some baggage, and Lorraine,” you spit out her name, making a face. “Just opened the suitcases and threw around all the contents.”

He huffed out a breath.

“She did. I’m sorry about that.”

“It’s okay. Sometimes there’s an ex that you avoid like the plague.”

He nodded.

“True. I want to tell you the whole story.”

“Only if you want to. I’m a great listener.”

He smiled. “I know you are, Cielito.”

And he told you about her.

Everything.

Spilled his guts, like he was confessing his sins.

They had dated in their early twenties, getting together in college, and when he had tried to break things off, she had told him she was pregnant—told everyone she was pregnant.

Her family is prominent in Laredo, having ties to local government, their fingers in many different pies, and when they heard the news, they pressured Javier into proposing. He did it because of the pressure and the way he’d convinced himself that it was the right thing to do. He was terrified. Scared shitless over the prospect of being a father and tying himself to a woman he didn’t love. The wedding was planned soon after the engagement, a big spectacle of an event her family had put together, and the biggest wedding of the year in Laredo. Everybody in town had heard about it, the guest list was astronomical, and then the night before it was all to go down, Javier was drunk off his ass, chain-smoking in his underwear, when he’d gotten a call from Lorraine: She’d gotten her period, she wasn’t pregnant. The moment he was sober enough to drive, he’d packed a bag, jumped in his car, and started driving, only stopping once he was a state away to call her and tell her it was over. He got a job with the DEA, and she met some guy in finance, got married, and started a family.

He had the chance to apologize to her years later, the first time he'd come back from Colombia. He thought they'd buried the hatchet, put it all behind them, and moved on. What had once felt like a huge chapter in his life, gradually became smaller—from a chapter to pages, pages to paragraphs, until now, it felt more like a word or two in the book that was his life. But that word still haunted Javier. It would always haunt him, showing up in new chapters, no matter how hard he tried to erase or forget it.

You felt for him, understanding he’d made a mistake, but at the time, he felt that he’d had no other choice—he had been put between a rock and a hard place, and the second he had a shot at freedom, he took it. You understood that there were better options to handle the situation than just disappearing in the dead of night, but he’d acted in desperation, and as you told Lorraine, he’s human, and he made a mistake that you know has eaten away at him since the day it happened. So, yes, it was a shitty thing to do, but it was also a really shitty situation where no one was going to come out on top.

He laughed humorlessly, hand running through his hair for the sixth time in the last hour that he’d been talking, his once nicely styled hair now a mess atop his head, he looked away head slightly ducked, almost in shame.

“After I’d apologized and she’d told me about how grateful she was for what happened, that we ended up where we were meant to, she said, ‘Can you imagine if we were actually married?’ And I… couldn’t,” his eyes met yours, a sadness shining through. “Hit me like a fucking truck that I couldn’t imagine anyone wanting to marry me. I’m a grade-A fuck up.”

Javier felt like he’d revealed too much as he watched her face fall.

“Oh, Javi,” Cielito whispered. She got out from her side of the booth, coming over to his seat and sliding in next to him. He watched, taken aback as she moved under his arm to wrap her own around his middle and rest her head against his chest, hugging him tightly. He was surprised for a second, then found himself wrapping his own arms around her, resting his head atop hers, as he melted into the embrace. He had to admit it was nice after revealing so much, and he should’ve expected her to do something like this.

She moved her head to look at him, eyebrows knitted together. “Did someone say that to you? Why would you ever think those things?” She asked.

He sighed. His throat a bit tight as he spoke. “I could see the look on Lorraine’s face when she’d asked—saw she thought it was a fucking crazy idea. If the person who agreed to marry me before Colombia couldn’t see me as husband material, what fucking chance do I have now?”

His hand rubbed circles on her back, finding her being in his arms comforting. He hadn’t intended to bring up his past just yet, figured that was more of something that would come up a little later than the second date. Fuck, his stomach was in knots over everything he’d told her. He’d expected her to be disgusted by what he’d done to Lorraine. Worst case scenario, she’d just up and leave, never talking to him again. Instead, she’d listened intently, letting him get it all off his chest, and by the end, he’d felt like a weight had been lifted off him. There was no look of disgust, not even judgment, just curiosity, her eyes widening in surprise at certain things, and it made him comfortable to explain it all.

“Who cares what she thinks,” Cielito said.

“It’s not only that. Look at me.” His free hand ran through his hair, knowing it was a mess. “I’ll be forty in no time, I haven’t dated in over seventeen years, and I’ve done some really fucked up shit. Who would want to be with someone like that?”

She was frowning, her eyebrows furrowing even more. She made sure he was looking at her, her eyes boring into his with such an intensity he gulped.

“You’ve made mistakes,” her voice was even. “Everybody makes mistakes, and you can’t keep beating yourself up over your past. You told me what happened, and yeah, you could’ve done things differently, but it’s been seventeen years. She’s moved on, has a husband and kids, and yeah, she’s still a bit bitter, but what can you do about it? Nothing. You just have to live your life and let it all go.”

He frowned.

“But—”

“No buts,” she interrupted. “The only thing I agree with Lorraine about, is that you both ended up where you were meant to. You did so much good—took down cartels, for fuck’s sake. Javi, you’re a good man.” His face must have shown his disbelief. “Don’t give me that look. You are, and I’ll keep telling you until you believe it. She did a real number on you, and you feel like you need to atone for everything you’ve done, but you really don’t. You’ve done enough, more than enough. The past hurts, but you can either run from it or learn from it, and you’ve learned. A lot.”

He was processing her words.

“That’s very… inspirational?”

“The last bit I stole from a children’s movie, but I felt like it really fit the situation.”

He found himself laughing, and she smiled big.

“A children’s movie?” He asked.

“Yes. Lion King tackles a lot of very serious topics, and the music is so good.”

“The talking lion movie from what, five years ago?”

“Four, and yes.”

He shook his head, still smiling.

“I’ve never seen it. But I might have to.”

“It’s good! The moral of the story is to learn from your past, grow, and then move on. The past is in the past.” She shrugged. “We could watch it together sometime.”

She’d want to watch a movie with him? See him again after everything that had happened tonight? His eyes widened, heart speeding up—all the things she’d said finally hit him.

You can’t keep beating yourself up.

Live your life and let it all go.

You’re a good man.

You’re a good man.

You’re a good man.

He was stunned, mouth falling open. She was an outside perspective—had heard about his failed wedding, the informants, and the stuff he’d told her about Colombia, and still, with complete conviction, thought he was good. She thought he was worthy of her time—worthy to take a chance on when his past should be a glaring red flag, and yet, she chose to see the goodness in him.

Was he a good man?

He had a hard time believing that when the memories of all he’d done the past seventeen years rolled through his brain like a fucked up greatest hits reel.

The past is in the past.

It was time for him to move forward with his life and not dwell. If she truly believed he was good after hearing so much about him, maybe it was true in some way he had a hard time seeing. All that really mattered was she still liked him after learning about all of the mistakes. Fuck, she was too good for him—too perfect. How in the hell had he lucked out?

Without a second thought, his free hand cupped the back of her head, and he leaned in, pressing his lips against hers. She made a surprised sound, and he smiled, kissing her harder, his eyes closing as he lost himself to the feeling of her mouth against his. She swiped her tongue against his lips, and he let her in, moaning as their tongues moved against each other.

When they parted, they were both panting, Javi resting his forehead against hers.

“I’m not complaining,” she whispered. “But what was that for?”

He chuckled.

“You’re just… Fuck, you’re incredible, and I needed to kiss you.”

She giggled, and the sound warmed him.

“You’re adorable.” She leaned back, and he opened his eyes to see her looking at him. “I think we’ve put on enough of a show for Maria,” she said with a smile.

He looked past her at the teen still standing behind the counter, clearly pretending to do homework, when she chanced a glance at their table and met Javi’s eyes, her cheeks reddening at being caught. He looked back at Cielito, still in his arms.

“Yeah, it’s been very eventful.” He checked his watch. “And it’s close to closing. Let’s get you home.”

He pressed a quick kiss to her lips before moving to grab his wallet from his back pocket, thumbing through the bills before pulling out three twenties that would be more than enough to cover their food and leave a generous tip.

They got up, wished Maria a nice night, let her know how great the food was, and left the restaurant the same way they’d arrived: Cielito pressed to his side, holding his hand and hugging his arm as they walked down the street.

The sun had gone down, the street lights were glowing, washing everything in an orangish-yellow glow, and it was still warm out, typical for a June night. Many of the businesses they walked by had closed hours ago, the places dark and void of life.

Javier felt lighter, and that lightness brought an easy smile to his face; he was genuinely happy to be in the company of the woman on his arm, leaning down to press a kiss against the top of her head as they walked. The dread he’d felt upon seeing Lorraine, the horror of her spiteful words, and the anxiety of telling that tale had vanished with the squeeze of Cielito’s arms around him, and her words—calming, reassuring, thoughtful; a sweet balm to all of his worries.

He opened the truck door for her and couldn’t help himself when he stole a kiss after she got into her seat.

And before they knew it, they were driving down the road heading back to her apartment, his hand holding hers atop her thigh.

“I had a really good time,” she said.

He glanced over, seeing her smiling.

“Even with all of the shit that happened? I still feel bad. I know I haven’t dated in a while, but even I know that was a lot.”

She laughed, and Javi smiled, turning his eyes back towards the road.

“You would’ve told me at some point, be it the second date or the tenth; I know you would’ve eventually told me the story.” She squeezed his hand. “It was shitty of her to air all of your dirty laundry like that. I’m happy you felt comfortable telling me, though.” She brought his hand up to her mouth, kissing the back of it, and he looked over again, smiling.

“I would have told you. Wouldn’t have kept something like that from you,” he reassured.

She set their hands back down.

“I have zero doubts.”

His eyes were back on the road.

“So, you picture a tenth date?” He asked.

“Definitely. Preferably, without clothes.”

“Cielito,” he groaned, hand squeezing the steering wheel tight. “Torturing me.”

“Hey, I was on my best behavior while we were out.”

“You were…” He looked over at her. “You busy tomorrow night?”

Her eyes brightened as she shook her head.

“Nope.”

He focused back on the road.

“Would you like to be?”

“Yes,” she said quickly.

Javi chuckled.

“I’ll pick you up at six.” He was turning into her apartment parking lot. “Does dinner and a movie sound good?”

“Sounds perfect.”

He parked in the same space as the night before, and the memory of what they’d done had his jeans feeling tighter. Did the cab of the truck get hotter? He was beginning to regret wearing the leather jacket as he swallowed thickly. He knew her eyes were on him, and when their gazes met, he could see that her mind had wandered to last night, too—her pupils blown wide and biting her lip. He licked his own, and her eyes went to his mouth. He could feel the pull, wanted to crash his mouth against hers, touch her, fingers itching to feel her.

She must have seen the want, quickly undoing her seatbelt, Javi doing the same.

“Come here,” his voice came out deeper, raspier as he lightly tugged on her hand, and she came to him, mouth landing on his as she straddled his thighs. He groaned, hands running along her back, feeling her warmth through her dress, pulling her closer to him. She wrapped her arms around his neck, and his tongue slipped between her soft lips, drinking in the moan that escaped her throat. She was all his brain could think about—the smell of her perfume, her body against his, her mouth on his—almost overwhelming him as they drank in each other, moaning and groaning, his hands wandering until they were under her dress, grabbing handfuls of her ass.

“You’re so fucking perfect,” he said, voice muffled.

She ground her core against his straining cock, a groan rumbling from his chest.

“Fuck, baby.” He guided her hips against him. “Feel how hard you make me?”

He kissed along her jaw as they caught their breaths.

“If you keep this up,” she gasped, with another roll of her hips. “You’re going to make me come in your lap.”

His cock twitched.

“Fuck,” he groaned, holding her still against him. “Okay.” He kissed her hard, her hands tangling in his hair.

She lightly tugged to pull him back to look at her.

She had a knowing smirk on her face that made him gulp. “You’re positive you don’t want to come in?” She asked before leaning down to suck at the skin of his neck. He knew he’d find a mark there later. His fingers dug hard into the flesh of her ass.

“Fuck, Cielito,” he gasped, eyes squeezing shut. “One more date.”

She came off his neck, kissing his lips.

“I’m very excited for our next date.” She nipped at his chin, and he shuddered.

He looked at her.

“Me too. Hopefully, it goes well.”

“It will be great!” She said with a smile. “And do you want to know a secret?”

He nodded.

She moved her head to the side of his, her lips at his ear, her breath tickling it.

“When it’s over,” her voice was husky. “I know for a fact you’re going to get lucky. However you want me.”

His eyes closed as he gasped out, “Fuck,” his mind whirling with all the different things he wanted to do. His dick was uncomfortably hard in his pants, and he knew he would need to take care of himself when he got home.

His hands moved up her back before cupping her face, pulling her in for a searing kiss that had her moaning into his mouth.

He looked her in the eye.

“It will be worth the wait. It will be so fucking good.”

She was smiling.

“I know. Now, I think it’s time I head to my place before we get worked up again.”

He chuckled.

“God, yeah. Our self-control…”

“Is really bad,” she laughed.

Javi joined in on her mirth, and before they knew it, he was walking her to her door, the two of them pausing just outside.

She looked at him, a knowing smile on her face.

“I won’t ask if you want to come in again, because I know you’ll say no.” He smiled, ducking his head. “The only thing keeping me from begging is the fact I know what tomorrow means.”

He looked at her, smirking as he spoke.

“Yeah? You’d beg?” He stepped a little closer, and he saw her suck in a breath.

“Yes,” she nodded.

He cupped her cheeks leaning in until his mouth was hovering over hers.

“Then I’ll give you everything you want… tomorrow.” His lips met hers, soft and pliant under his own, her body shuddering when he deepened it. His hands moved down her back, over the soft fabric of her dress, wanting to touch more of her—to be closer, pulling her into him, devouring her soft whimpers and moans.

The kisses turned less fervent, becoming tender brushes of their lips against one another, just enjoying themselves, before finally pulling apart.

“And you say I torture you,” she said with a chuckle. “You kiss me like that and then leave?”

“Absence makes the heart grow fonder.” He squeezed her ass, making her squeak. “And I’m just making sure you don’t forget me.”

“You’re a tease.” She leaned up on her toes to quickly kiss him. “I’d never forget about you, Javier Peña.”

He smiled.

“Good. Tomorrow at six?”

“Yes. I’m looking forward to it. Really, looking forward to it.”

“I am too. And thank you again for tonight. For everything.”

“Nothing to thank me for,” she said with a shrug.

“The fact you didn’t run, is something….” He looked away.

“Still not something to thank me for. Unless you’d done something truly unforgivable, I don’t see any reason why you shouldn’t have a chance.”

It was his turn to steal a kiss.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, Cielito.”

“Will you call me when you get home? I just want to know you made it.”

He felt warmth radiating in his chest as his face softened, nodding.

“Of course.”

“One more kiss.”

“You’re asking a lot,” he chuckled but leaned in to kiss her, this time holding her face as he kissed her lips, forehead, both cheeks, and finally her nose. “Is that enough?” He whispered.

“Maybe just one more.”

“Anything for you,” he said, giving her one last kiss on the lips.

They parted, her turning towards her door and unlocking it. It was taking everything in him not to go to her and give in, follow her inside and not leave till morning. But, he’d told himself after the third date. She looked so beautiful in her dress, her lips kiss swollen, and happiness showing on her face. He felt like he was floating, because the look she had was because of him, even after all that occurred—after all she found out, she was still happy to see him.

She looked at him before going inside, and he could see her desire for him to join her, which made him bite his lip.

“Goodnight, Javi. I’ll talk to you in a bit,” she said.

“Goodnight, Cielito. I promise I’ll call.”

He could see she wanted another kiss, her eyes lowering to his own kiss swollen lips, and he licked them without realizing.

Fuck.

“One more for the road,” he said, closing the distance for one kiss that he tried not to linger for, but couldn’t help himself when it lasted over thirty seconds.

“Goodnight,” he said.

“Goodnight.”

They both had beaming smiles as they went their separate ways, Javi waiting to leave until after he heard her door lock.

The night hadn’t gone how you thought it would. You had a great time, of course, and had expected to learn more about Javi; you just hadn’t thought you’d learn that much about him on the second date. It wasn’t a bad thing, and your feelings towards him hadn’t changed. It had honestly explained a lot about him; you just felt bad he was put on the spot to share so much. Aside from the Lorraine hiccup, the night had been wonderful, and he wanted to see you again.

You did your nighttime routine with a smile on your face and your body feeling warm with the memory of being with him and his kisses? They were like an electric spark igniting a wildfire in your body, and you couldn’t get enough. Your panties had been drenched when you’d changed into your bedclothes—an oversized shirt and clean pair of undies—he just had an effect on you that was so exhilarating and exciting. He was wonderful company, a great guy, and he was sexy as hell. You sighed as you crawled into bed, waiting for the phone on your bedside table to ring.

Not even five minutes later, it was ringing, your heart feeling like it would beat out of your chest as you picked up the receiver.

“Hello?” You answered.

“Hey, Cielito, it’s me,” his raspy baritone made a tingle go down your spine, biting your lip. “Javi.” He added. “The guy you went out with tonight.”

You giggled. “You make it sound like I’ve got a roster of men. You’re the only one I’m seeing, Javi.”

“Yeah? Just me?” You could hear him smiling.

“Yes,” you nodded. “I don’t need anyone else.” A thought came to you, worrying your lip between your teeth, eyebrows furrowing. “Um, am I the only person you’re seeing? I mean, I know we’ve only been out twice,” you said quickly. “And you’ve said you haven’t dated anyone since, you know,” you didn’t want to say his ex’s name. “And I’d understand if you didn’t want to be exclusive—“

“Cielito,” Javi said, cutting you off. “There’s only you. I don’t need anyone else, either.” He sighed. “I haven’t been with anyone,” he paused like he was thinking. “Since before I came back to Laredo. Yeah, since before, and with the shit Lorraine said about Colombia? That was years ago.”

“You don’t need to explain anything….” You said slowly.

“I know, but I want you to know that I was careful back then, and I got tested before returning to the states. Clean bill of health.”

“So, theoretically,” you started, a smile turning up on your lips. “You’ve got a clean bill of health, and I had my annual exam two months ago, which also came back clean, you could, and again this is theoretical—you could fuck me raw? If you were comfortable with it….”

“Fuck,” Javi groaned. “Cielito, baby, do you want it like that? Want me to fuck you bare?”

You rubbed your thighs together to ease the sudden ache between your legs, feeling yourself dripping into your underwear. You were so turned on by his words.

“God, yes,” you moaned. Your mind whirled at the thought, imagining him inside of you, feeling him. The hand not holding the phone moved to your chest, teasing your hardened nipple through your shirt. “Want to feel you, Javi.”

“Fuck yes, baby. You can have me any way you want.”

His voice was doing things to you, the sound of it sending pleasure straight to your cunt, making you clench.

“Oh God,” you gasped. “I want you so bad,” you admitted. “Your voice, fuck, I could get off from the sound of it.” Your hand went from your breast, down your stomach, to your underwear, toying with the elastic band. This call was going in a different direction, and excitement was pooling in your belly.

His voice dropped a bit lower. “Are you wet, Hermosa?”

“So wet—been wet since you arrived at my apartment.”

“I need to take care of you, then,” he rasped. “You want me to help you come, baby? Want me to talk you through touching that pretty pussy?”

“Please,” you moaned. “Want you to touch yourself.”

“Fuck,” he groaned. You heard movement on his side of the phone, the clear sound of a belt being undone, and a soft gasp coming over the line after a moment. “I’ve got my dick in my hand. Loved how you got me off last night—can’t stop thinking about it. What are you wearing, baby?”

“A shirt and panties.”

“Take them off. Want you naked.”

“Okay. One sec.” You set the phone down and quickly stripped, tossing the garments haphazardly onto the floor before laying back down, head comfortably resting on the pillow with your legs spread. You picked the receiver back up. “I’m naked.” You ran your free hand down the front of your body until it rested on your mound, waiting for the next instruction.

“Bet you look fucking gorgeous. Can’t wait to spread you out and eat your pussy, make you come all over my face.”

“Fuck,” you gasped, the image of him between your legs making arousal spill and your cunt clench.

“You want that, don’t you, baby? Want me to eat you out until your legs shake. Rub your fingers through your pussy, feel how wet I make you.” You did as he told, running two fingers along your slit, making you gasp at the contact. You could hear the sound of wet strokes over the phone, and it lit a fire in you, knowing he was enjoying himself just as much as you.

“I’m so fucking wet,” you said.

“Circle your clit, just how you like it.”

You followed his order, fingers easily circling with the help of your wetness. You felt the coil building in your belly, eyes closed, as you let the pleasure build.

“It feels so good,” you said. “Are you stroking your cock? Are you hard for me?”

“Been fucking hard all night. I’m imagining it’s your hand on my dick. It felt so good when you touched it.”

“Yeah? I’m imagining it’s your fingers on me. So thick, making me come so hard.”

“Bet you’re thinking about how they felt inside of you. Do you need to be filled, Hermosa? Need something inside your aching cunt?”

“Fuck, yes,” you moaned.

“Push in two fingers, keep your thumb on your clit.”

You did as he said, gasping as your fingers entered you. It wasn’t like when he’d done it, not filling you the same way, but it took the edge off of your ache. You pumped your fingers, working your thumb against your clit. The coil was winding tighter, feeling yourself getting closer.

“I miss your fingers,” you said.

“I know, baby. Wait until my cock is inside you. Gonna stretch open that tight pussy. How do you want it? Soft? Hard? You’re going to feel me for days.” He was breathing harder, grunting.

You were getting worked up from his words and your fingers. “Want it hard. Want you to rail me so hard with that big cock it ruins me for anyone else.” Javi groaned.

“I’ll give it to you.” His voice was so deep, sending tingles through your body. “You want me to have you face down, ass up, making you scream my name?”

“Fuck,” you gasped, cunt clenching around your fingers. There was wet squelching as you pumped your digits, so close to coming. The images in your head and his voice were pushing you closer. He was grunting, the sounds of his stroking louder. “Want it like that,” you said. “Want you to make me come all over your cock, and then I want you to fill me up. Want to feel you paint my insides, make me drip for days.”

“Shit, fuck,” Javi groaned. “Are you close? Fuck, I’m close.”

“Yes,” you moaned.

“You can have my come. I’ll fuck it deep inside you. You want that? Want me to fuck you hard, wreck that tight, little pussy, and come inside? Leave a reminder of me?”

“God, yes,” you panted.

“Come for me, come on your fingers,” he grunted.

His order had you falling over the edge, coming with a wail of his name on your lips. You were floating in a state of euphoria, hearing him speak.

“I’m coming,” he gasped before groaning deeply.

It was quiet for a minute as you came down from your highs, both panting on the phone, your body tingling.

“Fuck,” he finally said. “That was…”

“Good,” you finished with a giggle. “So good.”

“It was,” he answered, chuckling. “We really get carried away, don’t we?”

��We do. Our self-control…”

“Is really bad,” Javi said, and you both sputtered into laughter, enjoying your orgasmic bliss and each other’s company.

You spoke after you calmed down.

“First time I’ve ever actually come from phone sex,” you mused.

“Really?”

“Oh, yeah.”

“I’m happy I could get you there.” The way he said it, you imagined his chest was puffed up a little, and it made you giggle.

“I’m happy I could help you out, too.”

“I, uh, planned on thinking about you in the shower, but this was a lot better.”

“I was going to star in your spank bank material? Javi, I’m honored,” you said with an amused tone.

“Of course. Can’t get you out of my head. The truck still smelled like you on my drive home—kept thinking about tonight and last night, and fuck, how beautiful and amazing you are. Fucking perfect. Couldn’t wait to jerk off thinking about burying myself in your tight pussy.”

“Damn, Javi. You want to know a secret?”

“Yeah.”

“I was going to get off thinking about you, too. But let me just say, talking to you got me off quicker than anything I could’ve imagined.”

Javi chuckled. “It’s the same for me. What, uh, what would you have imagined?”

“This seems like a very dangerous choice of topic.”

“And why is that?”

“Well, looking at our track record, we’ll end up riling ourselves up again, and you’re only so strong, Javi. I don’t want you driving all the way back here at,” you looked at the clock on your bedside table. “Midnight, because you couldn’t wait any longer. Plus, little ol’ Mrs. Hernandez next door probably would not appreciate me screaming your name at this hour.”

“She’ll have to deal with it tomorrow,” he said matter-of-factly.

You grinned, arousal stirring in your belly.

“Yes, she will, and I’m going to make her an apology pie.”

“Apology pie?”

“Yeah, you know, a, ‘Sorry the walls are thin and you heard me getting fucked within an inch of my life’ pie. It’s the neighborly thing to do.”

Javi laughed.

“Fuck, I can’t wait for tomorrow.”

“I can’t either. Some promises were made that I hope you’ll keep.” You bit your lip.

“You really want it without protection? I’m okay with it, but I don’t want to risk—”

“I’m on birth control,” you said quickly. “Take it religiously and would never want to pressure you into something you didn’t want to do.”

“It’s something I want to do… badly,” Javi said. “Half-hard just thinking about it. I’ll give it to you how you want—how I want. Fuck, I haven’t fucked without a condom since.” He paused. “I can’t even remember. God, Cielito, you’re going to be the death of me.”

You laughed.

“We probably won’t go outside for days. Just locked away in my apartment fucking our brains out.”

“Need to have food delivered.”

“I can cook.”

“Not sure if I’ll be able to leave you alone long enough.”

You giggled. “I won’t even be able to walk. We’re getting ahead of ourselves. We still have a third date. Dinner and a movie?”

“Yeah…” He seemed to weigh the word for a second, like he was thinking about the plan. “Dinner and a movie. I’ll pick you up at six.”

You snorted. “Each night, we’ve gone out earlier and earlier.”

“I just can’t wait to see you.”

Your heart stuttered, feeling your face warm at the sincerity in his tone.

“That’s sweet. I can’t wait to see you too. Tomorrow at six?”

“Yes, Cielito. I’ll be at your door.”

“I can’t wait. Javi?”

“Yeah?”

“What does Cielito mean? You’re always calling me it.”

“Mi Cielito. My little heaven.” He paused for a moment before speaking softly. “My little love.”

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[touchmycoat]

been thinking a version of hanahaki where it's not unrequited love but unwanted love that manifests as plant growth, and it's not just love but potentially all feelings. Symptoms building up to the full development of the plant are more obvious, and for most people, actually producing and expelling the plant means a total exorcism of that unwanted emotion—as in, it will never grow again. The plant is your immune system's response to the disease of unwanted feelings, and once the plant is mature, you now have immunity to that unwanted feeling.

anyways the qijiu version of this where SJ is a biological anomaly. Fully manifesting a plant doesn't make him immune—it just keeps growing over and over and over again, and hanahaki becomes short-term solutions to a larger, more persistent question. The unwanted feeling in question? His care of YQY, of course. Canon-compliant: he joins Cang Qiong and is fucking determined to forget Qi-ge as he'd been forgotten, but he still sees, much to his displeasure, the hardships YQY has to go through as the next Sect Leader. SJ investigate and seethes from the shadows because there are snakes everywhere and YQY isn't fucking accounting for it. SJ doesn't want to care but does. SJ doesn't want to help but does, steadfastly burying all evidence of his involvement in securing YQY's well-being.

The only "evidence" he can't hide is the growing forest of bamboo on Qing Jing. There's minor relief, some apathy to be had every time he vomits up a tender bamboo shoot, and ironically, those are the times he's most civil to YQY. Apathy hardly begets passion, after all, and spite runs on passion. But over and over again, the same care takes root, and for the times when the plant is still maturing inside him, SJ can't help but care. He resents YQY for it. He resents his own body's failure to properly immunize him against this single feeling. But there's nothing for it except to keep planting.

Sometimes, he contemplates burning the whole forest down. It's not like it would make a difference—once out, the plant doesn't hold any magical properties, nor does it need to be kept alive for the "immunity" to hold. He'd only planted them at all in the first place because—well, because—

They got out, didn't they? They may have been unwanted but they did their jobs; they cleared the disease from SJ's body for just a moment, at least, and whatever the world thought, SJ wasn't nastiness incarnate. Stupid to vindictively crush a bunch of bamboo shoots, wasn't it? And once they were out they would either dry up and die or take root and thrive; it was no skin off SJ's back to just chuck them into some dirt and let them do their thing.

But now the bamboo forest was famous. A true sign of its owner's beauty, elegance, and righteousness, was what they said. Only a true junzi could cultivate such a sight. The irony was painful with these motherfuckers. How dare they finally buy into SJ's grift of the great immortal Shen Qingqiu because of this? How dare they see the horrid, relentless proof of SJ's greatest weakness and decide that it was actually SJ's greatest accomplishment?

(He's both furious and devastated by the thought that this forest would be the most beautiful thing he's ever produced, as his relationships with his peers become more difficult. He hates the thought that this persistent care has and always will be the best part of him, that the other things he's doing to compete and survive are far more ugly.)

Anyways, this should be a fix-it. How? LQG puts it together? He's on patrol duty and so sees the rapid growth of the bamboo forest, even out of season. He delegates guards for merchant caravans and so sees the import manifests, where there's never any bamboo shoots being imported. He doesn't think too hard about it 'cause it could just be magic bamboo, but it means he's not very shocked when on a poorly timed mission, he spots SQQ with the symptoms of hanahaki. The pieces come together, and he's immediately judgy.

Hanahaki's debilitating. An expulsion can come during a fight. It's idiocy to let it run rampant.

You think I vomit up a lung once a week by choice? Immunity doesn't build for me so save your amateur doctor crap for someone who'll actually buy it.

I know you don't have immunity, that's not what I meant.

What exactly do you mean?

Whatever feeling you don't want? Want it.

That's the way LQG's been taught, at least. Look—pain is your body's way of telling you its needs, that something is wrong. Feelings are the same way. Not so much the fleeting feelings from moment to moment, but rather the persistent ones that have the strength and truth to manifest as hanahaki. If it's strong enough to give you symptoms, it's strong enough to teach you something about yourself. It's strong enough to be necessary for you to process.

The quintessential example from LQG's training is a student who one day loses a competition they fully intended to win. They are ashamed and devastated. Symptoms begin manifesting but they hide them, and one day, they cough up a small desert rose. From that day on the student was no longer ashamed of that loss, but had also completely lost all drive to work hard. The shame that they did not want was entwined with the desire to be a better fighter, and by not processing and accepting both those feelings in time, the student lost them both permanently.

The stakes obviously weren't as high for someone of SQQ's constitution, but still. Hanahaki wasn't without pain, and like LQG said, it would be bad to let it get the better of him during a battle.

As if it were that easy, SQQ replied, incredulously.

I didn't say it was easy, LQG said, annoyed. You just have to do it.

How, SQQ asked, do you want to care for someone who betrayed you? Someone who forgot completely about you and left you for dead?

Did they have a reason?

No.

You know this for certain?

Yes.

LQG was quiet for a long time.

So why do you care for them? he finally asked.

SQQ was quiet for a long time too.

Beside what they did to me, he said, they are, I suppose, good and kind.

Why does that matter to you?

There was enough emphasis on the you that SQQ sneered, knowing full well LQG meant an insult to his character. Indeed—SQQ hardly cared for good people. He'd never once indicated a belief that kindness ought to be fairly rewarded.

I wish it didn't.

LQG learned something about SQQ that day: the aloofness was, at least in part, an act. He said he didn't give a shit, but it wasn't true. In fact it was so untrue that he'd bled up a mountain of bamboo to cope with that lie.

I care for them on the basis of the devotion they showed to everybody but me, SQQ laughed. So tell me, Immortal Liu. Should I want this feeling?

LQG sighed, frustrated and final.

No. We'll find another cure.

#qijiu #svsss #oops it turned into liujiu at the end #both both is good #anyways I was thinking about this hanahaki set-up and holding up each blorbo to it #hoping for best fit #SJ was as always the perfect poor lil meow meow #plot stockpile

[enarei]

expressing bitterness, anger, complete apathy towards the self, in a way that rejects external understanding or an apparent desire to improve, that requires the knowledge that threats to your life will be interpreted as threats to grand narratives of how people should process trauma, that a mandatory period of introspection and universalizing negative emotion are necessary processes of being hurt, that unapologetic self-destruction is intelligible as a psychological tool against others, not just a tragic loss of yet another emotionally dysregulated person. this is not equally afforded to all. even within tranny scenes ostensibly very concerned with sexual trauma + insanity, the notion of the jaded, outspoken mentally ill woman that destroys her body and bares the incoherence of her thoughts through art managing to survive ostracism from her peers conveys a specific image. what they lacked was not the right mental healthcare or means to exact carceral punishment on those thought to have harmed her the most, but the same agency to be unapologetically mad, a failing that cannot be attributed to any single individual. this is on you, not me. the need to always promote the "innocence" of the marginalized denies them the freedom of exercising vindictiveness and apathy towards appearing rational in a liberating way, their support hinges on them embodying the effectiveness of passive reflection, therapy, and their own ambiguously defined 'community', whereas another being only bitter, indifferent towards being understood, and openly bearing scars with no pretense of remorse is unlikely to be accepted as a sign of great confidence in spite of being formerly vulnerable. a visible history of psychosis, self harm and drug abuse damage the perceived sociability of a now "stable" —yet still angry and unrepentant— insane person far more, as they disagree with notions of how people ought to relate to madness, wherever narratives of "recovery" are thought to be least disseminated; one cannot express such complete disregard towards this codified 'improving', but rather embracing their extreme anger at everything through themselves, without it being perceived as an attack on other victims of the same group

[helianskies]

ugly maths.

i hate maths, right. i don't usually like numbers, and if i do like numbers it's gotta be an 8 or a 48 and nothing else.

thing is, i've recently caught myself doing maths again. ugly maths. the kind of maths that, really, i've been trying to avoid as much as possible because, well, it's ugly!

you... wanna see?

okay, fine... but don't say i didn't warn you!

ugly, see? look at all those numbers! not a 48 in sight!

huh? what's that? you don't see what i'm on about? oh... oh! hang on, lemme just—

better? yes? no? no? okay, what if i—

mmh, yes. ugly numbers. see it now? can you see why they're ugly?

here, i can make it worse.

these numbers are ugly. the maths they make me do is ugly.

now i'll level with you: the worst ones by far are the yellow numbers. the maths they make me do it the ugliest.

why ugly?

because it makes me ugly.

those numbers turn me into not only a suddenly number-obsessed fool, but a fool who also cannot understand these numbers and what they mean and why i feel like they reflect on me and my ability.

87, 75.

the thoughts are as follows:

• the orange numbers are big, so why are you being ugly about the yellow ones? you should be happy with what you have. so many nice big numbers! not everyone receives that.

• is it that there are two different audiences for these two different fics? perhaps. they are quite different works, with different appeals, and different themes. maybe you are reading too much into it.

• why are you obsessing over numbers anyway? you don't like maths! you left maths behind when you were 16, put it down!

okay, okay, fine! i'll put the maths down. right here, in fact!:

that 87 was an 83 at the start of the year. the 6161 it is attached to was a 5453.

4, 708.

ugly maths.

the 75 is a nice number. in fact, compared to 87, it is beautiful, radiant, enchanting. at the start of the year, 75 was 48. wow. now that is one sexy number!

27.

mmmm.

6161, 1061.

5100.

87, 75.

12.

mmmm.

you know, my most favourite comment left recently on a fic of mine was 2 characters long: :(

it made me :)

well, actually, it made me >:) because it was left in response, presumably, to one of the key scenes in a new chapter which left the exact impression on someone that i hoped it would.

they must be the only one who reacted like that, though.

1.

have i mentioned that that 87 and 75 include author responses?

i won't try to do more maths, there. it might not end well for me. the maths is making me tired enough as it is, and i have an early start tomorrow.

oh! but, that being said, i have another set of ugly numbers to show you, so keep 87 and 75 in mind.

ready?

838, 245.

(want a hint? the green numbers!)

838, 87. 245, 75.

9.6, 3.3.

ugly maths. it's ugly again, see? i don't like it. i'm seeing numbers within numbers within numbers, and i can't seem to stop!

the numbers make me ask new questions:

• why is it not good enough?

• people seem to engage more with one fic over the other, so shouldn't you prioritise?

• is all this maths this really good for you?

no, it isn't.

i want to avoid ugly maths. ugly maths makes me want to tear my hair out. it makes me want to start from scratch. it makes me want to grab someone and scream. it makes me want to cry and press a button that has tempted me many times before when the numbers become too ugly to bear.

ugly maths turn me into an ugly person.

ugly maths make me obsessive, paranoid, anxious, regretful, vindictive, spiteful, alone.

i hate maths. i hate numbers, just like, it feels, the numbers hate me.

#helia rants #cw vent #i'm okay but i'm not #this has been playing on my mind over the last couple of weeks #it's aimed at the sky rather than anyone here #i know i'm not the best myself as commenting. i justify it to myself by affirming i don't read much. which i don't. #since the start of the year i have tried to comment on everything i have read #bearing in mind i may also dm someone rather than comment because i want to scream and ramble about their fic more personally #that being said. i know i'm not the only one who finds themselves doing ugly maths #and in turn starting to feel uglier too #i don't like looking at the numbers #i was doing well at the start of the year #but as i open my drafts and look to a new chapter and at the notes i wrote #i can't stop myself from opening the fic. from seeing where it's at. from seeing if it's changed. from checking my inbox to see if... #if only... #what it's meant is that i've come to a point where a fic i loved has become exactly that: a fic i loved. past tense #the other fic is still a fic i love. but i know deep down that that is tied to the numbers too #i hate that this is what i've become #because i have tiny fics. fics with 50 hits and maybe 1 comment. and i love them. i still love them #but when it comes to the big ones. the multi-chapters. the hefty fics. after a point all i see are numbers #and those numbers have come to determine both my happiness and fulfilment as a writer #and so i am ugly. i am sad. i am pathetic. #and i don't know how to stop. #helia's stuff #this was meant to save back into my drafts. i was editing tags. tumblr decided it should post. so... so be it. #also this is not an attention thing if anyone dares go 'oh but you're a good writer uwu' i might do something we'll all regret #this is also not a 'ffs comment on my fics will you 😒' hell no #it's just about me. and my issue. and my unhealthy relationship with these fucking numbers. #gotta get this shit out of my head somehow :)

[angelsdean]

what if the empty was actually the big bad of s15, not chuck. silly meta with very little proof that i've been thinking about for weeks but.  

like, ok, bare with me. so, the empty was thee title card of the season, right? which to me feels like it should have been a larger presence than it was. and yes, the empty gets cas in the end, but mmmm, that doesn't feel like enough. ever since the empty was introduced, it's been vindictive, spiteful, and furious at being disturbed and awoken by cas.

a point was also made to establish that the empty is an ancient cosmic entity that exists outside of god's control. 

god has no domain in the empty. the empty also doesn't belong on earth or in heaven or other realms, but from what we saw in the episode where cas makes his deal, it can leave it's dimension and invade other realms. we also see this when it visits Death's library. 

throughout the seasons the empty is shown to have a clear agenda against cas. it targets jack to get to cas. it wants cas to suffer. and it /knows/ who cas loves. it knows all of cas's weaknesses. so, why wouldn't it toy with the winchesters? make them suffer, make them lose everything?

another thing we know about the empty is that it can take on various forms.

and this post about the disconnect between early seasons chuck as "an absentee authorfathergod" vs s15 chuck who is thirsty for revenge really got me thinking....what if that wasn't chuck at all in s15. what if it was the empty posing as chuck, wreaking havoc for the sole purpose of making cas and the winchester's suffer?

like i said i don't really have much "proof" to back this up it's just a silly little thought, though i'm sure if i rewatched s15 i'd start connecting dots to prove the theory but two things i do have to offer is, 

first: “chuck” disappearing all the people. Sure, god could do that, but there's just something about leaving the world utterly Empty that pings little lights in my brain. there is a profound sense of emptiness throughout 15x18 which then culminates in cas being taken by the empty. we already know there was a clear parallel being made with charlie and sam losing their significant others in that ep and then dean losing cas. so it would be all the more fitting it it *was* the empty responsible for all those losses.

second: lucifer and lilith coming back. both were in the empty. god supposedly has no domain in the empty. 

now spn has been finicky about it's lore in the past, like cas has come back / been brought back before by god / gadreel but those instances were before the empty was introduced as a concept so. ignoring that for a moment, one could reason that god shouldn't have the ability to bring back angels and demons from the empty. in fact, billie literally keeps jack stashed in the empty for a while specifically because god would not be able to reach him / detect him there. 

later the empty contradicts this saying that god isn’t supposed to have domain over the empty but that’s a lie and that billie has promised to fix this glitch. they also say they’re warded from entering earth. however, isn’t that exactly what an evil entity would say to mislead you so you don’t figure out they’ve been possessing god’s vessel the whole time? yea. 

anyways so, when cas comes back in s13 it's because the empty decides to release him. so, the empty-possessing-chuck would totally be capable of bringing lucifer and lilith back for funsies too. and LIKE HELLO:

lastly, the empty's pretty pissed at jack too for exploding inside it and making it loud. so when jack "becomes god" that's the empty leaving the chuck vessel and taking over jack.

and finally, what does the empty do best? put people to sleep and create illusions. the empty wants to sleep. the empty wants quiet. and who would threaten their quiet more than the winchesters? especially the one looking to bust out his angel. so, dean and sam think they won but they're sleeping. that over saturated heaven? sam's whole life post-dean? nothing but a dream. the empty won.

#oh this got so long. im sorry #but anyways. been tossing this around my brain for like 3 weeks #the empty won theory #also this has nothing to do w that chuck won meta post that's been going around. i still think chuck totally won not trying to dispute that #and i plan on reading that whole meta sometime soon #this is just. insane victoria thoughts that i finally sat down to write out lol #spn meta #long post #vic.txt #mymeta

[ronkeyroo]

Does Raven have any scars? (Physical and/or emotional) and is she(?) frightened of anything? 🥺

dfhdsjfd This bimbo be covered in both emotional and physical scars 😭 BUT!!! This is an interesting question...

Some of her scars are a mix of character lore, some based on real scars I share on my own body, and a couple "i just think its sexy and i wish i had it irl but i cant so Raven have it" scars SUCH AS the scars on her chin + cheek!

However, for deeper context + Depressing character lore: TW for mentions of self harm and heavy themes ;;

Raven has a complex set of Traumas she's struggling and fighting to overcome. A lone werewolf longing for connection, she wielded a tender heart that sought out love and wonder despite a lifelong of struggle — unfortunately all in a decaying world where such desires were considered nothing but wishful thinking and naive weakness, "wasted potential" where power and control were valued above all. You're either a monster, or youre easy prey to one.

Having stubbornly refuse to become such a thing under this grim reality, she insisted to fight for the good she believed in. She fought so many monsters before, she was certain she will recognize them through her journey.

However, her own path betrayed her. She was too soft, thrown back and forth between people who preyed on her vulnerability for their own selfish gain, time and time again.

With her wanderlust betrayed, sentiments corrupt, and trust broken - She entered a searing cycle of emotional decay; constantly stuck between two extremes. You, or them? Good or False? Human or Monster? Blurring her sense of self as well as sense of control.

The unyielding rage, spite and resentment for having been wronged so many times soon overshadowed the good she fought for, the tenderness she insisted to protect. And in the end she grew to believe that it was the very reason for her suffering, her "weakness". Having cast her heart away, Raven grew cold and dangerous, if only to protect whats left by course of detachment and intimidation.

One of her biggest issues would be that self sabotage and lack of self control both emotionally and physically. Everything was either too hot or too cold, too numb or too vivid. A beautiful truth, or a beautiful lie. She haven't yet developed an inner anchor to ground her when she loses herself to rage or hopelessness, nor did she believe she was capable or worthy of any good. She cannot allow those feelings release, which is why she's covered in "self restraint" scars.

Betrayed by the world around her, terrified of what she has become and resentful of those responsible - She ultimately accepted her 'fate' as being nothing but a monster in the end. Vindictive and despondent, she swore that if she were to become one - She will pledge that volatile chaos to hunt down other monsters instead.

Despite it all, her desire for love and wonder refused to fade away completely, glimpses of her warmth still slip away when met with those genuine and caring of her, her heart longing to radiate the very love she thought lost. However, stained by the wounds of the past and fearful of hurting others - She didn't yet learn the right way to co-exist with those emotions without struggling to accept them, or worse —seeing them as some sort of weakness, an illusion, questioning whether it was ever meant for her or not, and ultimately cowering away.

One of her biggest fears are all bound to that heartache. Be it to put effort into something that is bound to fail, to love only to hurt, or to become the very thing you hated all this time.

Her scars hold both stories of victory and survival against living monsters, or hatred and defeat by those of her own.

#sad werewolf bimbo hours ;_; #Raven #Character Lore #oc lore #my art #hauntedadagium #friend shenanigans #Ronkey Replies #I hope...Raven finds her peace one day #I know we will work side by side to make that happen #shes not alone through it at least ;_; theres still her guardian Shayu and his role/part in her story! #literally the embodiment of her self love #This inspired me to get back to their worldbuilding and lore...thank you sm friend ;; i hope this wasnt too depressing to read hhgndhf #i promise the soul duo shall prevail #ronkeyroo