WE REALLY WERE TIMELESS
PAIRING. dan heng x gn!reader (also dan feng x reader ig!)
WORD COUNT. 3,722
SUMMARY. dan heng does not want to remember his previous reincarnation, but there is one part he doesn't want to let go of forever— you.
SOF'S NOTE. i was listening to taylor swift's timeless and thinking about how much i love dan heng...and this was born :3 i love him sm and i def feel like love with dan heng could transcend all lifetimes <3 pls enjoy if ur a fellow dh lover :>
Dan Feng was many things. Cold and ruthless, some said. A merciless killer, said others. Revered and powerful, was the more popular and favorable opinion. But, what most people seemed to wipe from their memories was that he was also a lover.
A lover to you, at least. You, and only you.
His days as the Imbibitor Lunae were long and laborious. He lead countless battles to destroy threats and rescued Xianzhou fleets from annihilation.
Dan Feng was used to spending long periods away from home, but when he returned, he knew he would at least be greeted by you.
Occasionally, you were there fighting alongside him. Capable and strong. But most of the time, you preferred using your strengths to continue studying and advancing medicine. You were compassionate and knowledgeable, and you wanted to help your injured allies rather than cause more destruction.
His favorite moments with you involved the little leisure time he had between battles when he was able to stay in his residence with you, wrapped in your embrace.
Dan Feng, proud member of the High-Cloud Quintet, was left speechless and in awe at the sight of you. Those nights you spent together were filled with both heat and passion, and attention and love. Every moment he spent with you was intentional; he never took those times for granted.
Of course, those times couldn’t last.
Be it his selfishness, his arrogance, his drive to help his friend—he lost you. Not because you shunned him or turned him away, but simply because he was forced to reincarnate and locked away without the ability to say even a simple goodbye.
His love, lost in the blink of an eye. And he may never see you again.
Now, as Dan Heng, he was almost in denial when Jing Yuan informed him you forcibly reincarnated as soon as you heard the news of the Sedation of Inhibitor Lunae and slipped away from the Xianzhou Luofu.
What were you to Dan Heng? Dan Feng was no longer here and Dan Heng did not want to claim his past.
Imbibitor Lunae was not him. Renowned member of the High-Cloud Quintet was not him.
But when Jing Yuan spoke your name, memories of his previous life rushed through him. If he didn’t acknowledge his past, would that mean you had no chance of ever being his again?
Dan Heng had no attachment to the name Jing Yuan. Yingxian no longer held special meaning either. He didn’t want it to. But hearing your name stirred something in him. It caused a battle between past and present. And the present was winning until he walked along the streets of Penacony.
An intense shiver shot through his veins and the hairs on the back of his arm stood up. You were here.
He knew it. He felt it. Dan Heng didn’t know where exactly, but your presence was so powerful, it was something he couldn’t ignore. He wasn’t strong enough to.
You were his first and only romantic love— A love he thought would be eternal until he got reincarnated. The draw to you was so intense he found himself wandering the wide pathways filled with Gothic buildings until he felt the call was satiated.
It wasn’t completely gone, but he felt more relaxed. More at peace.
Dan Heng notice his body stopped in front of a library with a square roof and he immediately entered the building. The interior was filled with rows of bookshelves and large tables, busy with scholars and those here for leisurely reasons alike.
Despite all that, Dan Heng knew where you were right as he laid eyes on you.
You were half-hidden by piles of books as you took notes on a blank sheet of paper. You sat straight on the chair and briefly put your pen down when you noticed his staring. Your gaze met his as your eyes darted around the room.
When they landed on Dan Heng, you tilted your head to the side as he watched you, but you showed no signs of recognition.
His stomach churned. Of course you wouldn’t recognize him. You had reincarnated soon after Dan Feng did. Your past life was gone, your memories were gone, and he didn’t even know if your name was still the one that was so familiar on his lips.
With an inquisitive look on your face, you beckoned him over. He was surprised that you acknowledged him so overtly, but if you were anything like your past self, he shouldn’t be too shocked.
Dan Heng wondered if he should turn around and leave. Did he want to pretend he didn’t see you? Pretend that your fates weren’t inextricably linked?
His heart felt like it was being torn out of his chest as he turned away, ready to go on as if this never occurred so he could continue his life as Dan Heng with no ties to the previous Imbibitor Lunae. He began walking out of the library, shoving his feelings down deep to hide them away for good.
The cold outside air hit his face as he opened the door. It felt damp out—as if it were raining.
Dan Heng touched the wet drops on his face before he realized it wasn’t rain. It was his tears.
It pained him more than he cared to admit. His past love was here and he was going to throw it away before he even had another chance. He grit his teeth and clenched his fists, nails digging into his palms so deep it hurt the flesh. But it had nothing on the pain his heart was feeling.
He couldn’t do it, he realized. He couldn’t severe the bond from his past completely— Dan Heng couldn’t severe his bond with you. He’d lose a part of himself he wasn’t even aware he still had.
The muscles in his body screamed as he entered the library once more, this time walking straight to you instead of basking in hesitation. You looked confused as you stared up at him, probably wondering why he ignored you, left, and came back all in the span of one minute.
“Hi there! Can I help you?”
Dan Heng instantly froze at your words. He yearned for the familiarity; a sense of comfort washed over him at your simple acknowledgement.
But it didn’t look like you knew who he was. There wasn’t an ounce of recognition on your face even as he stood closer.
It’s me. Do you remember? he wanted to ask. The desire to reach out and grab your hand, touch your face, was strong enough to make his heart pound. But he refrained. If you didn’t know who he was, it might frighten you if he did that. And discomfort was the last thing Dan Heng wanted to make you feel.
You laughed nervously, letting out a single cough to fill the silence.
Dan Heng, realizing he hadn’t said a word, quickly scanned the books you had stacked up. They were books on medicine and the evolution of healthcare. He tried to find something relevant to say.
“I almost gave someone CPR once.”
You blinked slowly, a small and uncertain smile on your face. “That’s great! I think…” For a moment, you considered what he said. “I supposed it’s not great if someone was in a situation where they needed CPR. But it is great you were willing to help.”
Dan Heng nodded, glad his plan went well.
“Why did they need CPR? If you don’t mind me asking.”
“We found them unconscious. They had a weak heartbeat and pulse so I wanted to make sure they stayed alive.”
You took in this information, looking slightly impressed. “Typically, we start CPR when there’s no pulse, but if the individual begins gasping for breathe, it’s usually a good sign to start CPR.”
“I see.”
The two of you fell into a long silence before you gently cleared your throat.
“Is that all you had to say?” you asked. Dan Heng suspected you didn’t exactly buy that he wanted to talk to you solely about CPR. “Earlier, when you were looking at me, you had a strange look on your face. It looked like you recognized me.”
Dan Heng stilled.
You clasped your hands together on top of the table, leaning forward almost conspiratorially. “Do I know you?”
His breathing quickened at the prospect of you remembering your past with him.
“Maybe from a birthday party as a kid? Or did we go to the same school?”
Dan Heng’s face dropped. “Oh. No.”
You hummed in thought.
“You…might know me, though.”
Curiously, you raised your brows at his vague response. He wondered if he should stop himself, but he wanted to tell you about your past life. Maybe then you would remember him.
But would that be a good idea? Would it work in the first place?
Dan Heng didn’t know.
He felt impulsive but he needed to talk to you more. “I can explain more, but can we go outside first?”
You craned your neck to the side, considering your options. He knew what he asked of you was something ridiculous in the eyes of a stranger. To stop what you were doing, take time out of your day, and follow this man you had only just spoken to with no explanation.
It was wishful thinking to expect a yes.
Yet somehow, you always managed to surprise him. “Of course. Let me just return these books.”
Dan Heng tried to hide how pleased he was as he patiently waited for you to turn the books back into the librarian. He offered to help you carry them, but you managed to gather the heavy stack into your arms in its entirety.
“Now I’m ready,” you said with a smile, eyes studying him in wonder. You looked confused, but you didn’t seem concerned. Perhaps something inside of you also sensed familiarity. “Do you want to see the stars with me?”
He nodded and you led him to a clear, grassy spot away from the town. The grass was tall and green, pastel wildflowers growing amongst the landscape. You smoothed down your clothes and sat on the soft ground. Dan Heng sat next to you, careful to respect your personal space and keep a slight distance.
He took in the scenery of the night before he saw you gazing at the stars. He quickly followed suit, tilting his head back.
Moments of tranquil silence passed by before he asked, “Do you know what I am?”
You didn’t miss a beat, almost as if you were expecting that question to come. “You appear human, but your presence doesn’t feel as so.”
“Much like you, correct?” he countered. “A Vidyadhara.”
You touched your head instinctively, the place where your horns should be. With wide eyes, you hastily put your arms back against your sides.
Dan Heng raised his brow.
“I thought my appearance had changed suddenly,” you said with a nervous laugh.
He shook his head. “I’m sorry to cause such alarm. You don’t need to worry; you still appear human as well.”
“It’s not as if I’m trying to pretend I’m not a Vidyadhara,” you explained, “it’s just easier to live here and be unnoticed with this appearance.” You looked away from the starry sky and turned to face Dan Heng. “And you— Why do you choose to appear human?”
“I refuse to pay for the sins of my past reincarnation. It’s not me,” he said, voice tense. “That’s not who I am.”
“You remember your past reincarnation?” you asked, your body perking up. Embarrassed by your eagerness, you stilled. “Sorry. That’s insensitive. There must be a reason you don’t want to remember. Sometimes, I just can’t help but wish I did.”
The corners of Dan Heng’s mouth tilted upward. “Don’t be sorry. I don’t care for my past…except for one particular detail.”
You shifted your position to sit with your legs folded over the other. You didn’t say anything, instead letting him speak as he felt comfortable.
“Maybe one particular person is more accurate.”
Your eyes closed as you breathed deeply, the wind blowing around the two of you as if creating a bubble from the rest of the world. In deep concentration, you changed into your normal Vidyadhara form. Your ears were pointed, regal horns emerged from the top of your head, and you looked taller as your tail appeared underneath you.
Expectantly, you looked at him.
Dan Heng hesitated, but soon followed suit. He felt his body change to the one of his past as he revealed his true form to you.
“Am I the person in your past?” you asked slowly, examining everything from his turquoise horns and dark hair, to his long tail landing in a semi-circle around you.
He smiled to himself. Attentive as always, he thought. Lifetimes had passed, the galaxies never stopped moving, yet you were just as he remembered. Your experiences may have been different, as did the environment you grew up in, but at your core, you were still thoughtful, caring, and intelligent. No matter the reincarnation, you were still you— His beloved.
A conflicted look formed on his face as that thought. Dan Heng was getting ahead of himself. He wasn’t Dan Feng. You couldn’t be his.
You didn’t let his lack of response deter you, instead staring up at him with a hopeful gaze. “I’m sorry if that’s too personal of me to ask. It’s only… Something about you just feels safe and warm.”
His tail swayed back and forth. You felt it too?
“But you’re a stranger in this life, as far as I know,” you said with small laugh. “So why do you seem so familiar? Perhaps it means in my previous, you weren’t so strange.”
Dan Heng noticed his tail getting closer to your body before he managed to sway it the other way. You bumped yours against his mischievously. He jolted in surprise, both at the sudden touch of his tail—which he hadn’t felt in years and years—but also the small spark running through him at the point of contact.
You bristled as well. “What was that?”
“I am not sure either.”
For a moment, you were lost in your thoughts. He wondered what you were thinking as your eyes swirled, looking more captivating than any galaxy he has ever seen. Your elegant horns looked as if they were glowing against the night sky and he wanted to reach out and feel them like he used to. One of your sensitive spots, he remembered.
“I felt something when our tails brushed,” you said slowly, thinking your words through. “It wasn’t much, but it felt like a glimpse of my previous life. Do you think I can touch you more?”
Dan Heng absolutely did not mind if you touched him. Anywhere—for that matter. But he figured what was visible would be safest for the time being. He bowed his head, offering his horns to start with. “As you wish.”
You smiled brightly and his heart fluttered. He felt deep down he would do anything for you. Even confront his past life. And he vowed that what he didn’t do in his past life—spend enough time with you before it was too late—he would do in this. If only you allowed him.
Reaching out, your gaze was fixed on his tall horns. You started with a careful touch to the tip and ran your fingers down to where his horns branched out. Heat and cold were both searing through his body at the touch and he was certain from your expression you felt the same. Your hands trailed down his face, feeling the point of his ears and resting on his cheek.
Whether it was from the pain of the intensity coursing through you or whether it was because you were remembering your past life, Dan Heng saw tears rolling down your cheeks.
He brought his hand up to you to wipe them away, but stopped right before he could touch your skin. “May I?”
You nodded, a light sniffle coming from you and Dan Heng yearned to be of comfort.
He started with a light brush of his thumb to gather the wetness on your face, gently wiping it off. Then, same as you did to him, he felt the elongation of your ears and ran hs fingers from the base of your horns to the very top. They were just as smooth as he remembered and he felt you tremble at the touch. He smiled. They were still also as sensitive as ever.
“Are any memories resurfacing for you?” he said quietly.
Your eyes were squeezed shut yet tears still leaked from them. It took a while for your to respond, overwhelmed by all the emotions, but eventually you managed to ask, “Is it… Dan Feng?”
“Dan Heng now,” he gently corrected. “I don‘t go by that name anymore.”
At that confirmation, you cried even more, jumping into his arms and burying your face in his chest.
“It‘s been so long,” you said in exasperation, your words mixed with sniffles. “The Sedation— We didn’t even get to say goodbye!” You paused, removing yourself from his chest and looking up at him. “Rather, I didn’t get to say goodbye to Dan Feng. But with you here, maybe now I can.”
He nodded in understanding. His ending was so abrupt. Due to his own hubris and for the life of his closest friend, he ended up sacrificing himself. And in the long run, he learned he even sacrificed you. Dan Heng would never treat your relationship with him so casually again. He should’ve showed you it was the top priority in his life.
Dan Heng watched in silence as you closed your eyes and whispered under your breath. He didn’t fully understand what you were saying, but he allowed you to have your private moment and say your goodbyes. He said goodbye to the past you as well—a right that was also stripped away from him as he was forced into reincarnation without second thought. Anger rose in his cheeks at those who took that away from him. From you. But it died down. Ultimately, what Dan Feng did wasn’t a part of him now. Maybe the person he is today wouldn’t have agreed with those past actions in the first place.
Moments turned into minutes and minutes turned to hours before you finally opened your eyes and looked at him. Your gaze was clearer, as if it was truly him—Dan Heng—you were seeing.
You smiled wistfully, hand gently stroking the spine of his tail. “I may have said goodbye to Dan Feng, but, at your core, the Dan Heng in front of me still feels like the man I love.”
He hummed in thought. He understood exactly what you were feeling. “Your core is the same too,” he said, his palm resting on your chest where your heart was beating. “You’re someone I will always love. And I’m sorry it took me so long to find you.”
Your face broke into an expression of sadness and Dan Heng felt his heart tightened.
“I’m sorry I, as Dan Feng, left you. I’m sorry I couldn’t be with you until the end.”
You shook your head, trying to force a happy look on your face. “No, it’s okay. You didn’t leave me. You were taken and punished and I couldn’t say goodbye. But I forgive you.”
“Why? I valued my power and my friend’s life and, ultimately, was selfish and didn’t consider the impact on yours. There are so many reasons I don’t want to hold onto my past. But if being here with you means facing it, I will.”
You sighed, a small, sad chuckle escaping your lips. “You see someone selfish and arrogant, but I see a kind and selfless soul who wanted his friend to be there with him forever.”
Dan Heng thought back in shame of the Blade he met on Luofu.
“Our pasts are linked, but so are our presents,” you said, lifting his chin up. “You’re not Dan Feng anymore, are you?”
He nodded firmly.
You smiled in acceptance. “You’re not exactly my first love, Dan Feng, but I have a feeling I’ll like this Dan Heng person even more, anyway.”
His body immediately warmed and he wanted to melt into your touch. You were always so kind, so thoughtful. Dan Feng may have messed up and got the two of you separated, but he would never.
“In our last life and this life, and if we have even more to come, we will always find each other,” he vowed.
You touched your forehead to his before leaning in for a kiss. He met your lips as if he were securing a promise. A promise not to leave you again, a promise he was really here, and a promise he still loved you. There was so much he had to learn about your new life—and you, his. But Dan Heng was certain it’d only make him love you more.
He had gone through the betrayal of a friend, the betrayal of a nation, and death and exile from the very place he once called home, but no pain compared to that of losing you. And now that he found you again, he didn’t want to make the same mistakes as his past reincarnation.
You placed your hand on his cheek and deepened the kiss, breaking him out of his thoughts. Your hand was warm against the cool air of the night. Dan Heng ran his hand down to your waist and wrapped around to rest on the small of your back. He pushed you closer to him, wanting to feel your body against his. The heat emanated through the fabric of your clothes and the faint smell of wildflowers and vanilla filled his senses. It was a familiar scent he had always loved.
He smiled into the kiss and you moved closer, draping a leg around his hip. Dan Heng didn’t ever want to let you go, but he knew he had nothing to fear. Now he knew the strength of your bond—how the draw to each other could withstand lifetimes.
Not even time itself could separate you from him.
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HEADCANON ¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ █ ▌▌▌ayaks.
‘‘‘lust’‘‘ for battle.
i mean it may go without saying around here,
but i analyse the psyche of all my muses, so.
ayaks’ ‘’‘lust for battle’‘’ is obviously a well-channelled coping mechanism. ( the chaos that follows in his wake is a more gothic horror type of thing related to the foul legacy, & that’s not the point of this post. )
it’s the outlet he started with when he just got out of hell the abyss, the coping mechanism that was an extension of the battle that had just not actually ended- not for him. & as a child, all he could do was act on what his mind told him. end the fight. end the fear. end the fight. end the fear.
you can’t stop being afraid until you needn’t fear the threat— & threats there will always be. so you need to be powerful, not at peace.
he’s simply traumatised.
the anxiety that makes it impossible to relax, let alone rest. forget sleep - what if you never rest while you sleep? no matter how many hours you get in, you cannot rest deeply enough to enter REM sleep, which heals the mind by processing whatever’s happened. the very balm to his PTSD is out of reach because of it.
the memories that he cannot even have as they are so thoroughly repressed - & yet their imprint haunts him, leaves him with the negative space he cannot grow away from - only into & around. there are parts of him that will be missing unless he ever deals with this, & he doesn’t know to deal with it. he thinks that he does, already. the progress he has made in his stability & ability to function in day to day life tells him he is on the right track.
in reality all he has learned is how to cope,
& while it is incredibly impressive, it nixes almost all opportunity to heal.
how it helps to fight, is thus:
in a proper battle— with someone who is a good match for him & so registers as a real threat* —the immediate fear takes over his c-PTSD’s general constant fear responses. that is just so much less suffering, no matter how serious the threat he faces, is. in addition, it makes this fear actionable — no longer a pointless, useless, painful inability to be anything but a pinpointed would-be weapon—
an actual fight
is something he can win.
& when he does, his entire brain finally experiences a break from the terror & the way it just won’t let him go — no matter how little he has grown to care for his own pain. end the fight, end the fear. success proves to instinct that he is powerful enough not to need to be afraid. failure proves that he has something he can work on to make it all stop nagging.
*hence part of his lack of lust toward fighting the innocent & the defenceless & those simply not on par. not only is childe not... unkind?? inherently. i don’t think he’s a sadist - like maybe a teensy bit, in the manner of those who are stupidly competitive & those who need to see what they can take. but that is more masochism in his case.
—anyway. ayaks has no need to hurt random people. he just wants his fucking brain to stop turning him into a blind, deaf, mute shriek.
there is either no danger, or you are the greater danger - & especially in ayaks’ life in the fatui, it has become impossible for him to expect or desire peace. it’s a fleeting farce of something he cannot truly feel anyway ((his muscles are made of steel not just by training but by stress))—it is something that would lie to him, like it did in his youth. there is no eternal peace — only the belief in it, which is the innocence of childhood.
so if there is no danger ( that you need to be afraid of ),
then there is no fear. eventually, ayaks will reach that height-
& if not, he’ll have reached all the heights that lead up
to his ending point.
& he will end. that’s just how it goes.
that’s an unprotected weakness ( for it cannot protect itself ): dead.
the mind only supplies us with fear when it registers a warning sign. the problem in PTSD is that the brain has been so unable to process terror that it simple brands the entire situation & ALL ITS FACETS a reason to be in fight/flight mode.
& this is especially crippling in ‘complex-PTSD’, which occurs when fight or flight continues to be aggravated across a span of time. you can be in f/f mode due to literal sliced bread if your brain latched onto it during that time.
but because he never treats the REAL fight & fear, every battle only staves off his reflexive terror momentarily. fear is lodged into our psyche & that is called trauma - an impact that hasn’t been buffered through. therefore you remain permanently in the moment of impact ( &/or in the buffering, which is just as cruel in its own way ).
also he dissociates so fucking hard literally 24/7 to cope with being said shriek. any angst, disaster, hardship - it’s water off his back, easy peasy. nothing can touch him. his mind protects him well.
if it didn’t he’d have chased the end of that fear into being killed somehow. not even suicide—just chasing the end of a battle & so a battle, whether it be climbing a mountain beyond the ability of his body & just falling bc it failed him - or pissing off more people than he could take because what he can take, was never enough to quiet the fear.
it is absolutely why he pushes himself so hard despite being half god-like re: power levels. & no wealth of power will ever be enough. because it won’t process his old fears. he doesn’t know this.
he just figures he was born a bit of a baby, & he has to be tough so as to not succumb to his sensitive, weak nature - which is only a bite of bitter resentment toward himself when it gets particularly tiring. he doesn’t blame himself for being weak. to him it’s just a fact; & so he does not see his constant terror for what it is.
& the fatui won’t get him the help he needs to stop being the weapon he is so driven to be... so. yay. ( if teyvat even has the means. which i hate to think of them not having BUT MOSTLY BC I CRAVE CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT LMFAO. )
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