#but I also like that this time the Doctor honoured her choice to die

[thirddoctor]

as a long time hater of Donna's original ending I'm feeling so vindicated right now

#I thought Hell Bent's repudiation of companion mindwipes was the closest we were ever going to get to justice for Donna #but here we are! #I'm really happy that she got to have her memories back and keep them #but I also like that this time the Doctor honoured her choice to die #obviously I'd much rather have her alive but even if she had actually died that would've been a way more fitting ending than before #Ranger shut up about Doctor Who #DW spoilers

[magnetic-rose]

Why Spones is a top-tier ship

AKA “the inherent homoeroticism of annoying the shit out of your co-worker.”

Spock and McCoy have a complicated relationship. A lot of their bickering and ideological differences lead fans to believe that they hate each other, but that’s an over-simplification of the truth. The reality is that Spock and McCoy are extremely close friends who care about each other deeply. Though sometimes their bickering turns serious during stressful situations, for the most time they seem to enjoy the banter. A common mischaracterization of their relationship seems to put McCoy as the bully and Spock as the victim. In truth, there are many times where Spock will say something specifically to get a rise out of McCoy. They fight. That’s how they show affection, not disdain. In fact, one could argue that some of their bantering have a flirtatious tone to it.

Kirk: Mister Spock, regaining eyesight would be an emotional experience for most. You, I assume, felt nothing.

Spock: On the contrary Captain. I had a very strong reaction. My first sight was the face of Doctor McCoy bending over me.

McCoy: ‘Tis a pity brief blindness didn’t increase your appreciation for beauty, Spock. (Operation -- Annihilate!)

Spock is a half-Vulcan, half-Human who has mostly chosen to follow his Vulcan heritage. As such, he is a being of almost pure logic. The truth about Vulcans are that they are secretly beings who feel things very deeply and intensely, and they feel the need to keep a tight lid on their emotions as to not succumb to them. McCoy, on the other hand, is a regular human. He’s a deeply emotional man who cares about others. One could argue that McCoy is almost too empathetic, as he lets his emotions rule him. Spock and McCoy are polar opposites; the brain and the heart, the logic and the emotion, the super-ego and the id.

Despite these differences, the two men are similar in a lot of ways. They’re both men of science, men of peace, and they both care very deeply for their Captain. They’re both self-sacrificing morons, to the chagrin of the other. Spock will prioritize McCoy’s life even when both of them know it’s not the logical choice to do so. Likewise, McCoy will take a hit for Spock even when they both know the Vulcan is stronger and better equipped to deal with pain than the doctor.

Spock: (In the middle of a blizzard) In this severe cold, we cannot survive much longer.

McCoy: Leave me here, Spock.

Spock: We go together or not at all.

McCoy: Don’t be a fool. My hands and face are frostbitten. I can’t feel my feet. Alone, you have a chance. Now do what I say. Go try to find Jim.

Spock: We go together! (All of Yesterdays)

In the episode, “The Empath,” Kirk, Spock and McCoy have to choose someone to be offered as sacrifice to be tortured by a group of aliens. Kirk obviously volunteers, but gets put to sleep by McCoy with a tranquilizer. Spock then states that he’ll offer himself up, as he has the higher chance of surviving the torture. McCoy then proceeds to sedate Spock as well, and sacrifices himself to be tortured by the aliens.

Spock: While the captain is asleep, I am in command. When the Vians return, I shall go with them.

McCoy: You mean, if I hadn't given him that shot

Spock: Precisely. The choice would have been the captain's. Now it is mine.

(McCoy turns away. Spock sits to carry on working. Gem puts her hand on Spock's shoulder, and smiles. McCoy comes up behind him and gives him an injection.)

Spock: Your action is highly unethical. My decision stands. (Spock falls asleep next to Kirk.)

McCoy: Not this time, Spock.

Underneath all the fighting and disagreements, there is a deep caring between Spock and McCoy that manifests itself into protectiveness towards each other. In “All of Yesterdays,” Spock is constantly showing concern for McCoy after he almost died of hypothermia. In aftermath of McCoy’s torture in “The Empath,” Spock is seen hovering over his body and caressing his face, worry written into his features. On the other hand, while McCoy constantly makes fun of Spock for his lack of emotions, he’s also highly aware of the Vulcan’s mental state and protective of it when others threaten to shatter his resilience.

McCoy: He's a Vulcan. You can't force emotion out of him.

Philana: You must be joking, Doctor.

McCoy: You'll destroy him.

Parmen: We can't let him die laughing, can we?

McCoy: (Watching as Spock starts to cry) I beg you! (Plato’s Stepchildren)

The episode “Amok Time” also demonstrates McCoy’s perceptiveness of Spock and Spock’s true feelings of friendship towards McCoy. McCoy is in fact the first person to notice that something is wrong with Spock:

McCoy: Oh, captain. Got a minute? It's Spock. Have you noticed anything strange about him?

Kirk: No, nothing in particular. Why ?

McCoy: Well, it's nothing I can pinpoint without an examination, but he's become increasingly restive. If he were not a Vulcan, I'd almost say nervous. And for another thing, he's avoiding food. I checked and he hasn't eaten at all in three days.

Kirk: That just sounds like Mister Spock in one of his contemplative phases.

Kirk doesn’t notice anything wrong with Spock, and initially dismisses McCoy’s concern, but McCoy immediately picked up on Spock’s mental turmoil. Despite his cantankerousness, McCoy not only cares about Spock but goes out of his way to look out for his mental state. Part of it might be because he’s his doctor, but how many doctors go so far as to monitor someone’s eating habits because they notice that person’s suddenly being fidgety? On Spock’s end, when it comes time for him to beam down to Vulcan to complete his marriage ceremony, he specifically asks for McCoy to be there:

Spock: By tradition, the male is accompanied by his closest friends.

Kirk: Thank you, Mister Spock.

Spock: I also request McCoy accompany me.

McCoy: I shall be honoured, sir.

One episode I find extremely fascinating in terms of McCoy/Spock moments is “Mirror, Mirror.” In this famous episode, half of the Enterprise crew get transported into an alternate universe dubbed The Mirror Verse, in which evil versions of the characters exist and terrorize space as a fearsome military force. McCoy is part of the team that gets transported in the Mirror Verse, while Spock stays in their regular universe. Mirror Spock immediately realizes that half of the crew, including Kirk and McCoy, are acting strangely. When he corners Kirk to question him, he does so by threatening McCoy: “I shall not waste time with you. You’re too inflexible, too disciplined, once you’ve made up your mind. But Doctor McCoy has a plenitude of human weaknesses, sentimental, soft. You may not tell me what I want to know, but he will.” This Spock seems to have a intimate knowledge of McCoy’s mind.  When the party decides to attack Mirror Spock, he fights all of them except for Uhura and McCoy, who he simply pushes out of harm’s way.

When Mirror Spock gets hurt as the crew is trying to escape back to their own universe, McCoy is suddenly unable to leave his side. Kirk allows him to stay to nurse Spock back to health, and McCoy risks almost staying in the Mirror Verse forever for him. When Mirror Spock awakes, he backs McCoy into a wall and initiates a forced mind meld onto the doctor. The next scene has Mirror Spock holding a disoriented McCoy up and bringing him back to his crew; he now understands what is happening and he wants his regular crew back, and thus he allows Kirk and company to make the switch back to their own universe.

Other Star Trek properties have gone more in depth on how a forced mind meld can be extremely traumatizing on the person receiving it. Star Trek: Enterprise has an entire story arc dedicated to the Vulcan T’Pol trying to heal from a forced mind meld. Unfortunately, because the nature of TOS episodes were episodic, we never got the chance to explore the emotional fallout of McCoy’s forced mind meld and how that might have affected his relationship with Spock. The franchise also never went in depth on Mirror McCoy outside of what Mirror Spock speaks of him, since Mirror McCoy died of xenopolycythemia in 2269.

Closing the list of evidence of Spock and McCoy’s affections towards each other are the Star Trek movies “The Wrath of Khan” and “The Search for Spock.” Towards the end of Wrath of Khan, Spock sacrifices himself to save The Enterprise in one of the franchises most heart-wrenching scenes. Moments before his sacrifice, he knocks McCoy unconscious, touches his face and whispers “remember.” What happened in this scene was that Spock, knowing he was about to die, transferred his Katra to McCoy. The katra being the Vulcan equivalent of a soul. This speaks to the amount of trust that Spock has in McCoy. For someone who keeps most of his emotions under a tight lid, it’s a huge gesture to entrust another with the essence of their entire being. The next movie, The Search for Spock, is a journey as the Enterprise crew fight to return to Vulcan so they can reunite Spock with his body. When they finally arrive, the Vulcans warn McCoy that the process is extremely dangerous and could even result in his death. McCoy calmly replies that he “chooses the danger.” He cannot fathom living his life without Spock.

McCoy: (Speaking to Spock) I'm going to tell you something that I... I never thought I'd hear myself say...But it seems I've missed you. I don't know if I could stand to lose you again.

So in conclusion, Spock and McCoy have a rich and complex relationship that is much more than simply just “they dislike each other because they bicker a lot.” Their bickering is more akin to that of an old married couple. There are plenty of examples not even included in this post of how deeply they care for each other. Despite their ideological differences, they balance each other out quite nicely. McCoy is finely attuned to Spock’s emotions, arguably better than anyone else on the ship. Spock in turn is protective and gentle with McCoy. Once you stop looking at their interactions solely on the surface level, you’ll be able to see the tenderness and years of love and friendship between them. This is why I think Spock/McCoy is one of the most underrated and misunderstood relationships of TOS. Don’t let the constant arguing fool you into believing these two dummies don’t adore each other.

Shout-out to Tempest for their extremely lengthy ship manifesto on Spones called “Spiced Peaches,” which goes even more in depth on why Spones is a great couple. Using their manifesto as a reference was key to remembering Spock/McCoy moments. Also shout-out to the site chakoteya for having full transcripts of TOS episodes, so I could easily find quotes for this. If you’ve come this far, thanks for reading!

#star trek #tos #leonard mccoy #spock #spones #this was... a lot

[ssaalexblake]

Watching 12's first few episodes, seeing how stunningly early the narrative of his suicidal ideation was started has kind of made me recontextualise the narrative of 13's mental health? Especially in s12, but more peripherally involving s11 too.

The specific narrative of choosing to give the doctor a group of friends whom are genuinely doing a good job in how they interact with her in the state she's in in s12 (like, don't @ me here, the reason they had no luck was because 13 was not willing to accept their help. You can't truly help somebody unless they let you, they did everything right) and then how they contrasted it with that the master (even if we didn't know about it till the very end) who was actively attempting to drive her to suicide the whole season.

In Spyfall part 2, 13 tells Ada and Noor that she has a problem with the Master wanting to kill her because, yeah... She'd like to Not die, thank you. It's kind of a joke, but it's also Not, really. 12 didn't suddenly wake up one morning with the feeling he'd rather not do that living thing again, the signs of his suidical ideation were Right There in Deep Breath... Every reason he gives Mr. Mechanical Man for why him staying alive is a useless idea applies equally to 12.

12 fought a long fight and he still only regenerated out of a last minute decision. And then 13.

She actually Wants to live. It's not a 'well... Might as well'. She Wants to live. She didn't want to die in Spyfall before the revalation, but at that point she's mostly just angry, she is then tested beyond anything anybody could cope with and by the time she makes it to the tardis in the timeless children, sending the humans away... She doesn't want to die, still.

She doesn't want to leave the fam, she doesn't want to blow the bomb, she doesn't want to make that cold and lonely walk to the matrix to the master, she wants to stay with the fam.

In this metaphor, the fam represent her urge to live and the urge to recover and the master represents the suicidal ideation. She doesn't Want to walk to her death, she only does because she thinks she has to. She wants to stay with the fam and Live, not to die with the master.

These are all Choices. The 12th doctor made his last minute, hail Mary choice to not die just to see what'd happen, i mean, Maybe it'd actually be Good? And that was the first step and after that it Did get better for the doctor... But then all that horror came back again. But the doctor reaffirmed their choice that they didn't want to die, over and over again even after being tested.

It wasn't Easy, no, but she made the choice to keep going again and again, because that's what you have to do. There are lots of reasons you could put to 13 not pressing the trigger in the timeless children, but i've always been fond of the simple 'she did not want to die' over anything else because i think it has the most narrative resonance.

From here, she's going to have to choose to keep living as The Doctor, it may not be choosing actively to die as an alternative, but she's going to have to keep the mantle of the doctor alive now, and not lose in in despair and trauma.

I actually kind of also think, if you want to take it less metaphorically here there's an argument for a kind of interpretation about the toxicity of our relationships in this arc, too. As the fam try their hardest to help her in her trauma in healthy and reasonable ways, it's juxtaposed with the doctor's very oldest friend trying his damned hardest to ruin her and see her (and himself) dead because He's hurt.

It's just. Interesting. I feel like 13's reluctance to die is a statement in regards to 12's arc. He wanted many things for his next regeneration, and she's honestly failing spectacularly on pretty much all counts, but she's also honouring the unspoken in that she's trying to Live in general... She was a last minute decision but it was still an active and conscious one, and That, at least, she honours.

12's last wish Wasn't really his speech to his future self, because his choice to regenerate was him making an active choice Against the suicidal ideation he's been carrying his whole life. It wasn't Passive for him like other regenerations that just happen because it was natural for them to, it was a Choice and that, That at least 13 continues to honour... Even if she can't quite manage the rest. She got the biggest part down.

#dw shit #suicidal ideation cw #if the phrasing in this is wonky... i wrote it at half 3 in the morning #oops #dw meta

[ethanramseyyy]

Open Heart Second Year: Chapter 13

So this chapter was quite uneventful but also quite heartbreaking. With Ethan’s mom to esme’s patient. But it began with Farley getting checked into the hospital with Jackie. To be honest I can’t help but feel as though Farley was sending MC flowers and checking up on us just so he could get free healthcare. I might be reading too much in to it but it all seems abit fishy. Nevertheless. MC being the kind hearted person she is, helps him out and even gets Ethan Ramsey to help. We all know Ethan agreed to help because MC asked, also think about how Ethan would have reacted in book 1 if we brought a random patient in. It would have been a hard no. This is what we call progress ladies and gentlemen.

Esme. What a powerful young women. We really haven’t seen much of her and I love that we got to see more of her fiery personality today. I’m glad she finally got an apology from that doctor because that was long awaited. Zaid and Esme is the friendship we didn’t know we needed. The argument over the movies, to be honest I had no idea what they were going on about but it was so cute. And we finally got to see Zaid after all this time. And my baby NAVEEN. But we’ll talk about that later. Also Esme calling Zaid ‘old man’ has to be on the highlights of this entire book.

Declan Nash. No. I don’t want to see him ever again. Never. Let’s talk about esme and Levi. They were so cute, the innocent flirting between them made what happened later in the chapter that more heartbreaking. We’ve only ever seen Esme with a hard exterior but with Levi she seemed truly happy. I can’t even deal 🥺. I hope we see esme this happy again because she deserves that kind of love.

Bitchhh, Gary Garrison deserves an honourable mention. Now I know I’ve been critical of him in the past but god it was so nice to see so many familiar faces again. After them just being forgotten by choices. Jackie seemed so stressed and forgetful. I’m so scared there’s something wrong with her and she’s just not telling us. I hope we find out soon because Jackie has always been there for us and I can’t see her this distressed all the time 😫. She’s usually so sharp and knows what’s happening at all times but she just seemed so stressed out!

Ethan. My poor baby. He has always had a complicated relationship with his mom and to see her like that must be so confusing for him. He didn’t know how to react or how to navigate his feelings. I was hoping for a heartfelt scene between MC and Ethan but maybe we will get one in the next chapter. I’m praying. I’m glad they’ve introduced her again and they haven’t just abandoned that storyline because the scenes we’ve had before were incredible. I hope we get to see Ethan’s family try and resolve their problems but I know it’s not always that easy.

Sienna. My girl. Seeing her FINALLY tell her intern what he deserves. Ugh I loved that scene! Let me just explain why I picked these words. “Wanker” was because I heard it in a show called “the originals” and I thought it was such a strange, British word I had to use it. ‘Draco Malfoy’ purely for the fact he had blonde hair. And then ‘lil bitch’ because well he’s a lil bitch. I love that we got to pick the words, honestly the highlight of the chapter.

I feel sooo bad for Esme. You could tell she truly liked Levi and for him to die due to her mistake is just so sad. I hope that she doesn’t get fired for it because I will actually protest. You think I’m joking but I’m not. When she said ‘he said he wanted to be useful’, I broke. He was such a sweet character 😞. One of the only things that made this scene kinda ok was NAVEEN. I literally said during the week that I missed him and he’s back!! I know that he won’t be as regular as before because he doesn’t have a large storyline but he better make more appearances. Hello I want more Ethan and Naveen bonding experiences.

I know this post is quite short but that’s because this chapter wasn’t as crazy as the others. Which I understand we can’t have such packed chapters every week. Let me know what you think about choices killing Levi and what you think will happen to Esme now Naveen is in charge. Thank you for the support!

#choices #open heart #playchoices #ethan ramsey #openheart #ethanramseyyy #ethanramsey #choicesoh #dr ethan ramsey #ethanramseyxmc

[reachexceedinggrasp]

Fated to Love You here reaffirming my long held conviction that no pure romance drama should be 20+ episodes.

This show is... really something. It is, in the fullest possible sense, A Lot. It starts out as an all-out screwball comedy wrapped around a troperiffic romance fluff plot. Wall to wall clichés, but not in a bad way; in a meta, self-aware, peak performance, finest Velveeta way. And if you’re not familiar with screwball comedy, think ‘light-hearted crack fic with slapstick and farce’. There is nothing believable or grounded about any aspect of it, it starts at Bonkers Level: Platinum and it only climbs higher as it goes on.

(On a side note, this results in the leading man being possibly the most memorable love interest in romcom history. His introduction scene is nothing short of batshit insane and you can't reliably predict how he will respond to anything. I have never seen a main character like this, he is all over the shop and utterly singular. Your first reaction to him is ‘wtf?’, your second and third reactions are ‘really?! this guy??’, your fourth reaction is ‘okay he do be mad hot tho’, your fifth and final reaction is ‘I cannot believe this performance exists, I have no idea what he is doing, but it is amazing.’

Appropriately(?) the actor who plays him is an uncanny Korean doppelgänger of Johnny Depp and- between the resemblance, the mannerisms, and the fearless total commitment to a bold as fuck acting choice with the very serious chops to back it up- I’m not convinced they aren’t half brothers separated at birth.

They do sabotage my happiness several times by starting to randomly style his (long, beautiful) hair very weird, fixing it right when the plot is rapidly circling the drain so he looks his hottest just as the show becomes briefly unwatchable, and then ruining him for the entire second half of the series by shearing it all off. WHY, my anguished cry goes up. Why do you do this?! Why does he have like seven hairstyles over the course of the show? Much later they even briefly give him that ubiquitous Kdrama Second Lead haircut with weirdly forward combed fringe in a solid straight line across the brow all the way back from the crown. It looks terrible on everyone and I hate it so much. This version was less bad than most but it is still bad. Anyway.)

So it’s an incredibly fun time to start but there are some problems with the tone and plot even in the first 9 episodes, including when the lovers start getting along really well right away and they’re both thoroughly decent people so there’s nothing keeping them from having a lovely time together making the best of the circumstances (forced/fake marriage). And, instead of introducing new conflict or advancing one of the dozen conflicts previously established and actually moving forward, there is a painfully contrived rehash of something they already dealt with which is then just never resolved. They make the hero leap to a conclusion his wife is nefarious after he’d already decided once that she isn’t (though it was completely reasonable for him to think she was- the fact that he decided to trust her so quickly just speaks to what kind of person he is), never try to find out more or talk to anyone about it, start pushing her away because of it, and have all this come to absolutely nothing. It only exists so he’ll stop being so incredibly nice to her and they won’t fall in love too fast.

You’d think they would have to eventually clear the air before the romance advances right? No. It wasn’t a real plot point, it was just a reset button to get them estranged and hostile again after they connect over their kindred spirits and we’ve spent a bunch of time showing how profoundly supportive and honourable our hero is. He’s being beautifully mature and selfless because he’s a really good dude (unusual for a romcom drama, right? for the main guy to be nice and considerate? to accept responsibility even if he doesn’t have to? Gun’s weird but he’s wonderful), but the writers need him to be cold and standoffish, so they just make him act like an unreasonable idiot for a while. He’s been thus far hugely proactive and direct and honest about everything, it’s one of his most prominent character traits, but suddenly he’s going to avoid confrontation in favour of being super passive aggressive?? Then the writers never solve it. Never! It just goes away. He got over it, I guess? He decided he doesn’t care if she’s a gold digger who deliberately trapped him? God forbid we have motivations that make sense and organic character drama, right? It's not like he didn't have totally valid reasons to be suspicious that could have led to legitimate conflict our heroine would struggle to vindicate herself from.

But anyway, apart from that kind of lazy bullshit, it’s a fine romance plot with extremely endearing characters who have great chemistry. They are fun and well-rounded and incredibly human despite all the silliness and OTT antics. Their relationship is hugely, hugely engaging and the dynamic is perfect, they really complement each other as characters and organically drive each other's arcs. There's the genuine depth and warmth and quiet pathos so often lacking from this kind of show. Things progress at a semi-reasonable pace. They work up to confessing their mutual feelings and get into some cute shenanigans before making out. It happens soon enough that you are not frustrated, but there's still plenty of build-up. Then- uh oh! We’re only 9 eps in and we have another 11 hours to fill with this fluffy plot!

Time for a bunch of absolute fucking nonsense. Time for our show, which has been so goofy and removed from reality it occasionally resembles a Monty Python skit, which has been so light it asks you to ignore the frankly incredibly fucked up implications of its premise for the sake of comedy (they were both drugged and proxy raped resulting in a pregnancy- the FL was a virgin prior to this and Gun had a girlfriend he wanted to propose to- and it was the FL’s family who did this to them: SUPER FUCKED UP), so farcical that it makes Some Like it Hot look like a gritty crime drama, that show to cover a bunch of serious heavy shit.

First, the rankest of melodrama. The families and the world all turn on our couple, but their love is true and will conquer all- UNTIL, he randomly collapses and gets convenient Soap Opera Amnesia. He’s forgotten their entire relationship and a series of coincidental pieces of misconstrued evidence, the machinations of his scheming ex girlfriend, the Soap Opera Doctor’s advice, and his closest confidants all going along with this conspire to make him believe (AGAIN) that his wife just wants his money.

This whole terrible episode is mercifully brief, but it just gets worse after his memory returns. This is where we get into the Noble Idiocy. The ‘pretend you don’t love them to “save them” from getting hurt by hurting them and making their important life decisions for them as if they don’t have a basic fucking right to decide that themselves’ kind. Which goes on for three FUCK years in the show. He wastes three years of their lives they could have spent together because he’s worried he might die young (in a terrible way) and doesn’t want to put her through that. And, of course, they inevitably get together later, so all he did was make it infinitely worse for her either way. To say nothing of how he thus couldn’t be there for her through the loss of their child. Possibly my most hated fucking trope of all time when done this way.

And, yep, you read that right. This show that has the single most batshit bonkers over the top slapstick I have ever seen in a kdrama, this show has a storyline where the fluffy romcom trope accidental pregnancy ends in massive trauma. Because she was standing around in the street after realising he does remember her (he continued to pretend he had amnesia after his memories came back, it’s all part of the stupid noble idiocy so I glossed over it) and gets hit by a car in the middle of their angst staring.

It is nearly Meet Joe Black levels of hilariously abrupt and incongruous.

so, blah blah, they lose their baby (there’s a very stupid whole thing about her telling everyone to save the baby instead of her- the baby is not far enough along for this to have been remotely viable. She is like 3 months pregnant. They all act like there’s a choice to be made between them and she’s mad at her husband for choosing to save her, but there was NO CHOICE. Either she lives or they both die! ffs I’m so irritated about this) and then he dumps her ~for her own good~~ because he loves her too much to make her go through losing him? So she loses him sooner?? right after their baby died???

Why do people in these stories always think being betrayed and abandoned for no reason and being incredibly angry at someone you love while also not getting to be with them is somehow less painful than making the best of your life together and then losing them against their will? ‘I will make her hate me and then she won’t be sad we broke up/I died!!!!’ is such a fucking galaxy brain take and I despise it with the heat of ten thousand suns. Fuck you, Spider-Man. You aren’t protecting anyone, the villains still know you love MJ and will still use her against you, you clod. Emotionally torturing the person you love is not going to make them not a target because the villains are not as fucking stupid as you two. Anyway.

Amnesia was right where I started fast-forwarding and skipping around (because I couldn’t bear it), but it only goes downhill from there. Maybe I would have toughed out more of the wretched middle part plot twist if they hadn’t cut all the hot guy’s hair off. If I’m going to watch total nonsense tedious melodrama, I need it to at least be pretty. I understand it was a Symbolic Haircut but damnit! Let me have this!

And it ultimately does the thing that kdramas seem obsessed with and which makes me want to claw out my own eyeballs with frustration. There’s a giant time skip, the female lead gets a personality transplant, all narrative momentum is lost, and the characters who eventually (at ENORMOUS length) get together permanently are essentially completely different characters with a completely different dynamic than the couple you were shipping for 90% of the story. It is so FUCKING unsatisfying and it is EVERYWHERE.

Not so much with this one because this one still had a lot of very romantic scenes late in the game, but most that do this, it’s also like all the romance is sucked out of the post-time skip episodes and the ending is a consolation prize instead of a triumphant culmination. Inevitably, the heroine abruptly cools off and is suddenly wary of the hero and wants this Important New Career she never mentioned until the penultimate episode but is now her one true life’s dream. What the apparently irresistible appeal is of these contrived separations and demure conclusions is I CANNOT FATHOM. I’m here for the fucking romance guys, you have not made Citizen Kane, please just indulge me with a big schmoopy finale.

And if not that, it’s frequently that there’s been so many random mood swings and so much shitty behaviour by the end that the relationship doesn’t make sense and you don’t know why they even bother to get back together.

I’m not inherently against all misunderstandings (they are the bread and butter of low stakes romance let’s be real) or attempts at noble idiocy from misguided characters, but the duration and seriousness of the drama these generate needs to be in proportion to how ridiculous they are. If your entire plot can be solved by a thirty second conversation there is NO REASON not to have and the continuation of the misunderstanding is a result of someone just NOT SPEAKING UP when any functional human being would have spoken up seven times by now IT’S BAD.

Do little cliff-hangers, whatever, but don’t draaaaagg out silly misconceptions into Shakespearean tragedy, it’s just wearying. It makes me hate the characters for acting like emotionally constipated toddlers with terminal stupidity. If there is so little trust, so little understanding, and so little basic patience between these people, they probably shouldn’t be dating, so try fucking harder, writers. And noble idiocy that is more than an impulse they fairly quickly see the error of is just insulting. You are not helping the other person, you are being domineering and selfish. I have a whole complex about wasting time and seeing endless parades of characters flushing years down the toilet for literally no reason gives me hives. Especially when the whole issue is about time!

(And, btw, so much of the plot is about how desperately the family needs an heir and everyone still wanting them to have kids the second time they get together- while the ~dilemma used to keep them apart is a GENETIC DISEASE which could STRIKE AT ANY TIME. Do you SEE THE PROBLEM WITH THIS WRITERS????? NO, I KNOW YOU DON’T. ommmmmmmmggggg that’s awful! So they’re just dooming more kids to Soap Opera Brain Disease? And maybe growing up without a father just as Gun did? And no one even considers suggesting adoption??? He never considers that he shouldn’t have biological children despite thinking he shouldn’t have a wife?)

ANYWAY. Please do watch the first nine episodes and the last three, it’s bananas. They are cute as fuck, Gun is The Best, and the tropey romance scenes are top quality. You don't get those things executed so well, it doesn't happen, so you need this in your life. The acting is of a calibre you never usually see in modern romcoms; these are people at the top of their game committing utterly and taking these characters completely seriously. In that way it is pure wish fulfilment for me as someone who loves romance and is almost always disappointed by popular romance media, and thus the show is incalculably special. But skip the middle. Just skip it. It's not worth the suffering. I find the tone whiplash honestly just this side of crass.

I’ve been thinking about it for over a week and I truly love the main characters so it did plenty right, but I just cannot with wedding the two things this show is trying to be together, especially when it goes so hard in two mutually exclusive directions. but also the Meet Joe Black sudden car accident device is not redeemable under any circumstances. Can we never do that again, please.

#fated to love you #kdrama #jang hyuk #writing

[drethanramslay]

90 with MC and Rafael. Thank you!!

Thanks for the ask, anon 😉

You can find the prompt list here.

#90-“Can…can you come over?”

Warning: it's fluff, angst and long 😅 also it's kind of based on my raf x mc fic

Author's note: The MC's name is Addison Jones. I usually use different names of the MCs for different pairings :)

Taglist: @miyakokurono @trappedinfandoms @openheart12 @sekizincimektup @junggoku @ethandaddyramsey @edith-eggs1 @ethanramseysgirl (let me know if you want to be added or removed from the tag list 😊)

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"Have a great day babe." Sora said as she kissed him on the lip.

Raf just grinned and kissed her back. "You too Sora. Kick some surgical ass out there, okay?"

"You know it babe." She winked and walked away. Raf watched her walk into the hospital, small smile on his lips.

He was about to leave but his eyes fell on the familiar blonde, sitting on the bench in the ambulance bay, eating a bagel.

"Hey Addy!" He said as he settled in beside her.

"Raf, if you even thing I'm going to give you my Nutella bagel, try again." She said as she continued to scroll through her phone.

"You wound me Addy. You can't even say a normal 'good morning' to me." Raf pouted. She just rolled her eyes and took a big bite of her bagel.

"You are big boy, I think you can deal with a little heartbreak." Raf winced but luckily Addison didn't notice.

It had been three months since she confessed her love for him. He wanted to run to her and say those words back but it was hard. He was afraid of what he had with Addison. The feelings he felt for her, were so intense that it left him dazed and confused.

Sora was his safety net, the one who will always love him irrespective of what happens.

You love Sora not Addy. Rafael chanted it like a mantra, hoping that it would nail into his brain. But, how do you fight off that feeling when the love for a certain person is ingrained into your DNA?

"Hello Raf?!! Anybody there?" She knocked his forehead. "Yup nobody. As empty as a coconut." She ruffled his hair, like she used to when they would lie naked in bed. She just wishes to turn back when he was hers, but that won't ever happen.

Addy, he made his choice. He chose Sora, you can do nothing but, respect that..

"Shut up. I have more IQ in my fingers that you have in your brains." He shoved her and Addy laughed. "Keep lying to yourself, superman."

She looked down on her watch and got up. "Ight imma head out. Don't get yourself killed big man."

"Don't stress yourself out too much Addy." He called out, with a huge grin in his face.

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It had been three days since their last interaction and Rafael hadn't seen the blonde. He initially brushed it off but when he spoke to Lahela the other day, he got to know she hadn't been coming.

"Hey Sora, have you seen Addy at work?" He asked nonchalantly as he drove her to work after having a late lunch together.

"Huh? No, haven't seen her... Anyways who cares?!" Sora laughed but Raf felt a pinch in his heart, hearing Sora say that to his- Addy.

He just shook his head and stayed quiet. He knew if he brought it up, they would fight.

As she got down from the car she turned towards him. "Don't forget, today's taco Tuesday."

He gave her a tight smile but his mind was wandering off to Addison. He was getting worried about her. He took out his phone and typed a message-

He put his phone on the seat next to him and pulled out of the curb to his work.

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It had been three hours since and she had still not responded. It was quite unlike her. That girl was obsessed with her phone and wouldn't be found dead without it. He had sent a couple of more texts but the lack of response just made him antsy.

So when his phone pinged and he saw her name he immediately unlocked the phone.

"Addy?" He spoke into the phone.

He heard her clear her throat. "Um hi."

"What's wrong?"

She chuckled dryly. "Nothing... Everything? I don't know..." Her voice cracked at the end.

"You know you can talk to me...right?"

"I- I can't on the phone... Can..can you come over?" She was breathing heavily, as if she was on the verge of crying.

"I'm on my way."

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When he entered the penthouse, Sienna looked worried. "Thank God you are here man." Elijah said as he opened the door. "What's wrong? How is she?" Raf asked frantically.

"She hadn't any food today and has been holed up in her room since yesterday."

"What's the date today?"Raf asked.

"18th. Why?"

Holy shit, how could I forget.

He knocked and entered her room, finding Addy on the floor looking at the photo album. She was wearing a 'guns n roses' shirt, which looked way to old and some shorts.

"Hey." She looked up and gave a small smile.

He went and sat down next to her. "Look at this picture." She pointed to a picture in which her twin brother and her were standing in the backyard, making a snowman.

"We were only five, but we had the best snowman on the block. Andrew was always the creative one. Hell, you should have see the cakes he baked and the art on them would be so beautiful that you wouldn't even want to cut it."

Flipping the page, she showed him another photo. He was holding a can whipped cream and Addy was lying asleep. But, the focus of the picture was the gigantic moustache on her face. "Even when he had leukemia, Drew always pulled such pranks on me. God, I was so pissed that day. We had a full blown out food fight in the dorm, which ended in him smelling like stale whipped cream and me having rotten egg smell, coming from my hair. But we always made up. He was my twin. We would always be joined at the hip. He was my ride and die."

She closed the album and tears streamed down her face. Clutching the shirt, which belonged to Andrew she spoke. "I miss him so damn much... It hurts. I thought I would go meet him, but God I couldn't enter go past the gate of the cemetery. It's been 5 years, but I STILL can't see his headstone."

Raf wrapped his arm around her shoulder and squeezed. "I'm not gonna say something like 'it's okay' or 'everything will be fine'. It's not okay and nothing will ever be the same. Just because time had passed, it doesn't mean that it will not hurt. Yes, the pain will gradually decrease but... It's okay to feel. Just reminds us that we are human."

He tucked her blonde hair behind her ear. "It's okay you couldn't go to meet him. Nobody is gonna judge you. People deal with grief differently. You dealt with it by becoming the best doctor in the hospital. And it's the small gestures that matter. You are honouring him with happy memories and I'm pretty sure that he is happy wherever he is."

He got up and walked to the adjacent bathroom and got a damp washcloth with a bowl filled with water. He lifted Addison in his arms and placed her gently on the bed. He kept the photo album on her bedside table.

He gently wiped her tear stained face. The cool cloth, helped her cool down the vortex of emotions in her chest. "Addy, you are the strongest person I've known. And Drew would be proud to see what his sister is doing."

He wiped her neck and her collarbones, where sweat had accumulated. This was nothing sexual. It was just Raf taking care of her.

He dipped the washcloth in the cold water and wrung it. He wiped her arms, his hands brushing the tattoo on the inside of her wrist. It was a simple one. Just the name 'Andrew' inscribed in an infinity sign.

Addison sighed, as her fingers traced the tattoo. Raf got up and walked out of the room to keep the bowl and washcloth. He returned in some time with a plate full of steaming pasta.

"Is that for me?" Addison asked as her stomach grumbled.

"Nope. If you think I'm gonna share my dinner with you, try again." He teased her.

She smacked his bicep and he just laughed out loud. "Yes sweetheart, its for you. Now open your mouth-"

"That's what he said." Addy snickered.

"Get out."

They laughed together as they ate the pasta. After cleaning up, he was just trucking her in, when Addison asked, "Will you stay?" giving him her puppy eyes.

His phone buzzed and he knew it was Sora, complaining about how he didn't make it. He didn't want to go home and have another fight.

"I'm not going anywhere Addy. I'm always here for you." He says as he snuggled into her blankets, feeling her warm petite body, lying on his chest.

Just the way it's always been.

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Today is the last day I am taking requests so don't hesitate to drop in an ask 😊

#my asks #anushka writes #choices stories we play #choices stories you play #choices oh #choices #playchoices #open heart mc #open heart 2 #open heart #ohsy #oh rafael #rafael aveiro #open heart rafael #rafael x mc #writing prompts #Pixelberry

[sparrowsabre7]

Used a guide, because life is short and this game is long. So I'm meant to talk to Fragile by selecting Fragile jump in my room. I guess that makes sense but given it's only ever been for fast travel not sure how I would have worked that out as a method of communicating, or that Fragile could put you into a beach.

It's quite a nice story beat, that Fragile can't jump to Amelie as previously explained, but she can jump to Sam and Sam can get to Amelie through the things that bind each of them like knots on a strand. It may be a little on the nose but it still works, as does perhaps the first moment of consensual touch Sam allows in the game, after Fragile quietly says "I'll have to touch you" and he silently accepts. For all his weird sexualisation of some scenarios and badly worded dialogue, Kojima can still sell emotional beats when he needs to.

On the beach at last; ok, Higgs is Darth Vader now and has force powers. He creates a BT spiderweb and sets Amelie at the centre before a fourth wall breaking monologue about stick vs rope and one last boss fight: no items, final destination, Fox only.

It's Strandin' Time!

Ok this kind of... blows. It's a stealth segment where he can find out where you are almost instantly. Why the fuck wouldn't you take any weapons Sam? It's really hard to break line of sight. I know I need to throw the boxes to distract him but it's not working. Did manage to yeet one right in his dumb fucking face though. Didn't see that coming Mr. God Particle.

Ah fuck this; LEEROOOOOY mmJENKINS!! Decked the shit out of him then pivoted to bind and then kick the shit out of him some more. God, that's satisfying.

After a few rounds of that, "I don't need a gun Sam". Brave of you to say half way through the fight dickwad. Come at me.

When you were partying, I studied the strand. When you were learning how to control BTs, I mastered the parry mechanic. While you wasted your days at the gym in pursuit of vanity, I cultivated inner strength. And now that the world is on fire and the barbarians are at the gate you have the audacity to come to me for a boss fight and expect victory. Welcome to dirt, punk.

Oh, and apparently you don't need a gun but do need grenades. You're a real honourable warrior, Higgs. Truly the last of the samurai.

Kicked out a Snake-like "Aaaaaah" from him and it's over.

No. Wait. Round 3. "We got DOOMS, Sam! This was only ever gonna end one way." Ok, I... I don't know what that means but now we're in Tekken apparently. Health bars above our heads and everything. Oh no, it's Mortal Kombat, with the slow mo jaw break.

This...

This is kind of a shitty end to a boss fight... I'm literally hammering attack and winning it's just so incongruous with the rest of the game, should have left it at stage 2.

It's got dramatic music like it's meant to be the Snake and Liquid fight in MGS4 but I have no emotional connection to Higgs, in-game or out. He's just kind of a shithead, there's no brotherly bond here and he's not been established enough.

Ah multiple headbutts finisher. It is literally trying to be that MGS4 fight.

I know this isn't the end since Cliff's thing is still unresolved, but it is definitely trying hard to feel that way.

Oh shut the fuck up Higgs, stop with your "you won but still lost" bullshit. Fragile, kill the fuck out of him, please. Ugh, don't repeat I'm not that Fragile like it's your catchphrase.

Ha! Fuck you Higgs! Run out of BT juice. Oh... was that it? One punch. Also, don't just repeat "You're damaged goods" back to him like you're in a Joss Whedon film and that's an adequate comeback. Wow after a strong start this not-finale has been super anti-climactic.

Oh nope,she is going to shoot him. But offscreen. Fragile managed to bring Lou over too, nice. "Where should I take you?" Fragile asks, before Amelie butts in with "He doesn't need you, he's got me." Alright, calm down. Jealous much. But Sam is like "yeah you should go." Glad Fragile at least calls them both out on it.

Ok, so now Amelie says she could have left at any time basically, but did it to force Sam to connect the Chiral network.

And now we're "Mario and Princess Beach" running back home.

And now everything has gone insane. Now Bridget is here but maybe she's also Amelie and Die-Hardman is here to kill Bridget for fucking the world up and now Cliff is here and he knows Die-Hardman (who's real name is John) and Bridget is sending him after Sam but now she's Amelie again and behind Sam and tells him to run by pushing him in the sea, causing him to repatriate but in the repatriation sequence it's not BB inside Sam but one of those horrid dolls.

What the FUCK.

Ok and now I'm back in my room and Deadman tells me Amelie ported me here and then checked out to "finish what Bridget started" which I'm guessing may still mean blow up the world or the beach or something. Christ it has got very dense very quickly.

"We've been operating on the assumption, Higgs was controlling Cliff"; have we? News to me, I always assumed they were two separate antagonists given the Battlefield was entirely separate from Higgs' brand of goopy nonsense. So now Cliff has Amelie AND Die-Hardman on the beach. Great so things have gotten worse. Now Fragile can't port me to the beach either because reasons.

So I have to walk all the way back East all the fucking way because she transported all the secondary characters before me.

Thanks a fucking lot. This has been a real kick me while I'm down moment.

At least I don't need to carry anything there save protection and climbing gear. Hope I can at least drive some of it.

Ooh more flashback time. Looks like Bridget was intending to use BB as a sacrifice to build the UCA, unclear if by causing the Death Stranding or somehow starting the Chiral network.

Anyway now I'm walking these 6k or whatever back to Lake Knot. Some zipline help but one asshole put the zipline where the dismount is off a cliff. Sam echoes this though with a "nice zipline, asshole".

I also have no equipment, so stopping off at the paleontologist to gear up. Nice, a free bike too. Everything's coming up Bridges.

Oh fuck off Deadman, I don't want a Cliff notes session (pun intended), especially when you're just restating a bunch of theories. So Cliff wants BB to b whole, yep already gathered, the battlefield is tied to him due to his anger dragging his hellscape through with him. Sure, cool, can I get back to my drive now?

Oh come on... BTs can now spawn as catchers immediately, don't even need to grab you. Fuck this, I'm running. Sorry purple bike!

Jesus fucking christ Deadman, fuck OFF. Blah blah secret BB experiements were to make BT detectors but actually they were designed to make the Chiral network like I thought.

Oh.

They made the network by building all the cities with a BB integrated into each one.

Jesus Fucking Christ, I didn't see that coming...

That's some heavy shit man. This is that episode of Doctor Who with the space whale heavy.

While I ponder that horrific choice I'll inevitably have to make I am enjoying coming back and seeing how much bigger the highways have gotten in my absence. It's so fun to boost down them on a trike.

Another call from Deadman. Cliff put his BB in the care of the scientists but didn't know they were going to use the BB for the Chiral network, I assume he thought the experiments were benign per the lie told. Deadman says he's unsure how he was able to arrive on Bridget's beach and that there must be more to their connection so I'm going to go ahead and guess, he's Sam's father as well as the BB's, or he's a sibling of Bridget.

Fucking hell, another call from Deadman. Jesus give it a rest. No apparent connection between Die-Hardman and Bridget because his past has all been redacted, also suggested that Die-Hardman had no connection with Amelie/Bridget and that it's DH connection to Cliff that allowed him access to Bridget/Amelie's beach. God my head hurts.

Heartman's saying that the beaches are beginning to merge into a single seam, aside from the battlefield and Heartman's beaches. Amelie may have some kind of super bridge that controls all beaches which further my theory that she was BB patient zero.

Oh boy, big ol' Chiral storm, looks like it's battlefield time.

Flashback time, Cliff gives a sad speech about being a father and it looks like Die-Hardman killed Cliff under Bridget's orders.

Ok we're in Vietnam now and Cliff's wearing DH's mask. Comparatively this opener is less badass than the WWI and II battlefields but only in comparison. In any other games this would be a ridiculously cool moment. The arena itself excels as always, still not sure I could pick a favourite. Vietnam feels more linear but the mix of violent explosions, fire and oppressive silence and darkness work so well together.

Ok, I was wrong, actually reaching Cliff gives a supremely cool scene of Cliff and co marching through a lake of fire.

Another intense game of cat and mouse later and Cliff is finally down.

It's actually a really nice moment of emotional catharsis. Cliff begins to whistle a tune to BB and Sam completes it. It's not a big shock reveal, just a quiet mutual realisation that Cliff is Sam's father. They embrace and then a gunshot is heard and Cliff disappears, having first transitioned from combat gear to a suit, I hope implying his becoming whole and at peace. Despite minimal development until this past hour of exposition, Cliff has been a much more successful antagonist compared with Higgs.

Another flashback, DH is saying that Cliff should escape with his BB, but he will be forced to carry out any orders Bridget gives, hence the previous flashback. Seems DH was one of Cliff's soldiers. Still unclear if the woman lying on the bed, who is Cliff's wife, is the same person as Bridget. It's deliberately vague and when Bridget approached the BB in a previous scene her face was covered with DH'S mask.

Oh... Sam seems to think Cliff is Lou's father but that very much wasn't my take away from that scene. Deadman comes along with a recording of DH, says that Amelie left a message for him to get to the beach with one of Cliff's dolls. He knows it's a trap but plays along anyway and says Amelie also has no recorded past and made the point no one's ever met her in person. Seems to point to the fact that she may only exist on the beach.

DH says that her soul remained on the beach while her body deteriorated in the real world, but with high DOOMs abilities. She could then travel to the beach body and soul by the time she was 20 and the president said never contact Amelie except by hologram, but once the Chiral network was up and running DH checked the old records:

Bridget had uterine cancer in her 20s and never had children, yet Amelie is the spit of a younger Bridget, so... what's the connection?

Ok, now Fragile's here, and says Amelie was behind Higgs, she led the Demens and he abandoned Fragile when Amelie showed up, began the extinction initiative. She could control BTs and she was the one who turned Higgs into Homo Demens, able to command BTs at will. There was no BB in Higgs' chest pack either, only another of the dolls Cliff had.

But if that's all true, then why did she not just trigger the death stranding when Sam competed the network? Why did she need Sam to kill Higgs?

Another chapter closes but I feel we've still got a ways to go.

#sparrowsabre7 plays death stranding #death stranding

[being-worthy]

The Last of Us Part II – Adding my two cents to the game

Just so we’re clear, let’s establish a few things first:

MAJOR TLOU II SPOILERS AHEAD!!

I also spoiled myself ahead because I needed to know what would happen to Joel and Ellie… and the ending as well.

I’ve played the first one. I liked how it ended and totally support the ending!

I haven’t played the 2nd part but I’m watching the playthrough on YouTube in small doses. My heart can’t take much of it at once lol (and being poor and paying of debt for a loved one is no fun because I don’t have much money to spend on myself).

Right now, I’m at the part where Joel goes with Ellie to the museum for her birthday – it’s so cute and fatherly and my heart can’t take how bittersweet this is …

The 2nd part was rushed and has some bugs that could’ve been avoided, whether you like it or not. That’s a fact and we’re here for the facts not the truth (if you want the truth join a philosophy course).

The parts with Abby are too long, more than what they should’ve been and her vengeance is 💩.

English is not being my first language but I do my best (that’s all I can do).

I’m listening to Bryan Adams and Richard Max while writing this because I’m still not over Joel…

You may voice your opinion but remember this is my space! Be respectful at all times and absolute no hate here!

The first part ended with Joel bringing an unconscious Ellie to the hospital where the last Fireflies are, she almost drowned and he had to perform CPR on her. He’s rendered unconscious too and wakes up on a hospital bed with Marlene and Ethan (the guy who hit Joel in the head with the butt of his rifle) in the room.

That’s when he starts asking where Ellie is and Marlene informs him that she’s not his problem anymore and being prepped for surgery. Here, we need to note the following things: Marlene had sworn to Ellie’s mother to protect and to keep her from harm’s way but TAKES the decision to practically sentence her to death and yeah, she gives a speech that it’s not easy for her either yada yada yada but it’s all bs. The reason why is because:

a)     making a decision refers more to the process and is something that takes time, while taking a decision is the act of deciding something that happens in an instant. Ultimately, Marlene decides for HER!! What about ‘my body, my decision’? Or in this case ‘her body, her decision’? It doesn’t matter if it’s related to an abortion or having your skull opened, the same principle should be applied!

She even says to Joel ‘because this isn’t about me. Or even her. There is no other choice here’. – Firstly, there’s always another choice! Secondly, Joel replies to her saying ‘yeah, you keep telling yourself that bullshit’ and he’s right, it’s total and utter bullshit. Even later on, when he’s carrying Ellie into the parking lot (I believe it was a parking lot), he tells her ‘that ain’t for you to decide’. Again, he’s right. It isn’t Marlene’s decision nor his but Ellie is still unconscious, so what do you want to do? Let them butcher her open? He crossed with her through half the country and ended up caring profoundly for her – she became like a daughter to him. He doesn’t have an on and off switch to turn off his feelings towards Ellie. Moreover, do tell me, if you’d like a doctor or someone else TAKE such a decision for you, instead of waiting for you to wake up and then tell you about the procedure and what this will entail. I get freaking furious whenever someone takes a decision for me or without asking me first.

b)     Neither she nor the doctor wait for Ellie to regain consciousness and since she’s unconscious, they see it as the perfect importunity to just go ahead and rummage in her brain to see if there’s something that could help them developing a vaccine or a cure.

c)     That’s another thing. They had zero guarantees, not even a 0.1 percentage of probability that they’d find something – nothing, nada, zilch. Just a hunch and maybe in an apocalyptic world for some people this might be enough but then why not wait until she wakes up and tell her ‘we don’t know for sure if your immunity will help us finding a cure or a vaccine. So that’s why we need to open your skull and see what makes you immune which ultimately, will kill you’ (in some nicer words though lol). Because they know she might not fully agree with it and they give a sh*t about what she thinks/wants and have that narrow military/cult mindset of ‘a sacrifice for the greater good’ and/or wouldn’t care either way because she’s a kid. I’m no fan of sacrificing one or a dozen people to save billions. If we can’t save them all or at least try our damn hardest, then we’re doing something terribly wrong! Also, she’s a freaking kid!! She hasn’t seen much and has her whole life ahead, doesn’t matter if it’s in the apocalypse. The thought that they’re willing to sacrifice her, a kid, without batting an eye shows me that all Fireflies are terrorists.

d)     Now to the doctor (the one with the scalpel) – according to the internet this guy was Abby’s father and his murder was why she tortured and slaughtered Joel. First things first, every doctor has to take on a Hippocratic oath. There are many different variations but they all come from an old one that states the following:

… I will apply dietetic measures for the benefit of the sick according to my ability and judgment; I will keep them from harm and injustice.

I will neither give a deadly drug to anybody if asked for it, nor will I make a suggestion to this effect. Similarly, I will not give to a woman an abortive remedy. In purity and holiness, I will guard my life and my art.

I will not use the knife, not even on sufferers from stone, but will withdraw in favour of such men as are engaged in this work.

Whatever houses I may visit, I will come for the benefit of the sick, remaining free of all intentional injustice, of all mischief and in particular of sexual relations with both female and male persons, be they free or slaves.

… If I fulfil this oath and do not violate it, may it be granted to me to enjoy life and art, being honoured with fame among all men for all time to come; if I transgress it and swear falsely, may the opposite of all this be my lot.

The doctor doesn’t keep her from harm or injustice, he isn’t even there for her well-being, only to see how her brain ticks. So, that immense violation of his oath doesn’t make him a doctor anymore but a BUTCHER and don’t come to me with ‘but it’s the apocalypse or it’s for the greater good blah blah blah’, then how better are we compared to rapists and people who murder out of fun? If we throw our principles out of the window just because it’s the apocalypse and/or it’s for the greater good, then with all due respect we all should just go ahead and jump from a building and burn in hell.

e)     I got to the part where Joel and Ellie went to the museum for her birthday and at the end there’s a graffiti that says ‘liars’ with the fireflies’ symbol above. Even at the end, their own members saw that they Fireflies were only a bunch full of hot air and nothing else. They ended up being terrorists and forgot what they once stood and fought for.

So, taking all this into consideration - who wouldn’t have saved her? And yes, Joel saves her out of selfishness, so what? True, that he didn’t tell her the truth either, but can you resent him for this? He’d have to tell her that Marlene betrayed her, betrayed her trust and her mother’s trust in her and was willing to let her die and let her body being violated (rape is not the only way to violate someone’s body – FYI). This would have impacted Ellie’s state of mind too. She’d have ended up resenting Marlene and the Fireflies or worse. She had gone through so much already and didn’t need more on her plate. So, he spared her that betrayal and resentment.

Now let’s talk a bit more about Joel. Joel is no saint or hero but no villain either. He’s just a man who was willing to doom the whole already-damned world to protect the girl he adopted. He does what he needs in order to survive but within some reason and hasn’t lost his humanity (it’s just deeply hidden in him), he’s a person trying to survive. He tortures people - yes, but only to get information and makes sure to end them quickly afterwards. I agree that one of the main things you’ve to do during such times, is to adapt or you’ll die or worse. In the 1st part he’s rough, tough, strong, stubborn, resilient, experienced in the world he lives in and wary of strangers (just remember that scene on the highway with the stranger pretending to be hurt and Joel knew from the moment he saw him that it was a trap), someone you don’t want to mess with, etc. On the other hand, there’s this other side of him where he teaches Ellie to swim, tries to joke with her, to play the guitar, takes her to beautiful places, he takes her to a museum with dinosaurs and stuff from space, that proves he’s capable for carrying deeply for someone, in this case Ellie, and don’t get me started on the gift he gives her when they’re in the space capsule (!!), and so on. Ellie and Joel have this great dynamic. Then in the 2nd part, they made him to be so trustworthy toward a young unknown girl, tells her even their REAL names, like he literally says ‘my name’s Joel and that’s my brother Tommy. We live further down’. Dude, why don’t you just go walking around with a banner around your neck stating who you are to the whole freaking world. At some point he even said the name of their home (Jackson)!’ - WHAT THE HOLY F*CK?! He even offered her to go with them and take her to their home and give her supplies. Then, even BLINDLY and WITHOUT ANY WARINESS follows her to a place with an unknown sized group, where he and Tommy don’t know anyone - HOLY FREAKING HELL?! It’s not like it could be a trap, I mean it’s completely normal that there are many survivors camping up in the mountains in the middle of a snow blizzard, it’s the perfect season for doing that ¬¬. We’re living in times were everyone is kind to each other… I just don’t get it. This behaviour change is too radical and old habits die hard, especially ones acquired and used for decades!! That’s a big flaw from Naughty Dog regarding Joel. They portrayed him as someone stupid (sorry Joel but it’s true), sloppy, too soft, etc. He’s older and fatherlier with Ellie all fine and good, but he’d still be very cautious toward outsiders, particularly when they outnumber him!! It’s true that at some point we’ll have to be more trustworthy toward others in order to try and reestablish society or something close to it but you’d still be wary and wouldn’t take them right to your home first thing!! I had also into consideration that they were being chased by a horde of runners and clickers and their options where limited but still!

In some games the death of an important and primary character is sometimes essential. TLOU II is one of them because this was necessary for Ellie to grown and learn more about herself, the world she lives in, among others but Joel deserved way better than what he got! I feel for Tommy too, he didn’t deserve to split up with Maria or lose an eye but I believe the reason as to why he became obsessed with avenging Joel was because he already thinks he failed him in the past already, either when Sarah died, or when he joined the Fireflies and Joel wasn’t happy about it, or when they blindly trusted Abby and her friends.

Before I start with Abby, we need to establish something else first: revenge is about retaliation; justice is about restoring balance. The motive of revenge has mostly to do with expressing rage, hatred, or spite. It’s a protest or payback, and its foremost intent is to harm. And because it’s so impassioned, it’s typically disproportionate to the original injury—meaning that it usually can’t be viewed as just. The punishment may fit the crime, but it’s often an exaggerated response to another’s perceived offense. Nevertheless, I do believe that justice comes from vengeance but that type of justice only breeds more vengeance, and this is what Abby essentially does, avenge her father (even though I believe he lost his way and became unscrupulous) and ends up being capable to live with herself with little to no trouble after what she did to Joel, after repeatedly hitting him over and over and over again with a golf club, and forcing Ellie to watch the last bit. Abby and a bunch of others, who were also aware of her secretive plans, travel thousands of miles just to find Joel and brutalise him and massacre him. That scene was really brutal. But at some point both Abby and Ellie have to realise that vengeance is not the answer and if everyone keeps coming back seeking vengeance, then they’ll move around in a vicious circle until someone decides to forgive because killing like this not only hurts themselves, but also those they love and love them.

I don’t see the WLF as a whole as someone who deserves sympathy. They’re quite similar to the Fireflies who maybe at some point had noble goals (or almost) but ended up strayed from their path. They loot and kill everyone they see, no questions asked (much like the police these days in our world), even if they’re just passing by and aren’t affiliated to any group and just want to survive.

The ending of TLOU II couldn’t have been better. Ellie was happy with Dina and the baby but deep down she knew she didn’t close the chapter with Joel’s murder. Abby, and knew that at some point, she’d have to revisit that part to close it entirely. Her leaving with Tommy was the right decision, even if Dina wouldn’t/couldn’t fully understand why and I feel sad for Maria too but I strongly believe that she’ll return - whether or not Dina will wait for her is another story.

This is all I’ve to add. I’ve been sitting her for about 5+ hours writing this because I wanted to put my perspective of this masterpiece out there and show people that the game is still great.

Let me know your thoughts!!

#the last of us #the last of us 2 #tlou #tlou2 #tlou2 spoilers #tlou joel #tlou ellie #the last of us 2 spoilers #joel miller #ellie williams #tlou abby

[myfandomrambles]

Tony Stark (MCU) Character Analysis [Updated]

Analysis:

Tony Stark is a character who is driven by an insatiable drive to create and make things new, ever the futurist. But his other greatest drive is his personal feelings of guilt and responsibility for what happens under his watch. Tony became Earth’s Best Defender through having been the Merchant of Death not in spite of it.

The social conditioning and Howard Stark’s abuse taught him that what people wanted was Tony Stark TM  For a very long he just was that. His whole upbringing moulded him to be the perfect heir Stark. Tony was natural insanely smart and skilled which I believe he would have always used, but everything around him pretty much told him what he was meant to use it for.

Tony attempted to not be what Howard and the others wanted but I think he became that for a long time. Being “genius, playboy, philanthropist” wasn’t all Tony is or ever was, but he let it be. His natural showmanship and sarcastic were all that was played up missing everything else.

However, his softer side was always there. Exemplified in his relationships with Happy, Rhodey and the Bots. He was always deeply protective and reliant with those close with him, even if they did not like his life choices all the time. Pepper was smart enough to have gotten another job way before she becomes CEO of SI but that she always stayed with Tony speaks that he couldn’t have been totally awful before that, Rhodey as well.

Tony was able to break out of this conditioning to some extent when he becomes Iron Man When Tony is faced with all of what he did the overwhelming guilt and responsibility he chooses to be something else and becomes Iron Man. This change also ignited his ability to make and create so many new things other than the weapons he had fallen into doing. He was faced with the idea he had to make amends for all of the destruction he played a role in causing and he becomes something amazing.

He made the choice to let his negative emotions change him into a hero, not just by being Iron Man but also with his money and inventions. He becomes able to show his light and more loving side even if only in small batches. Tony moved forward with Pepper, find (and to some extent lose) a family with the Avengers, Rhodey, Happy and Peter.

Obviously, he can’t kick all the bad habits he picked up, there is still the alcohol addiction and the sucking at communication skills. We know he recognizes that those make things worse, even when he can’t always control it. In IM 2 he uses the behaviours themselves as a protective mechanism (which I venture they were partly the whole time) pushing away his friends to protect them and himself from his impending death.

The effects of never-ending trauma he experiences heighten his obsessive tendencies and worsen the negative emotions that catalyzed his transformation into Iron Man in the first place. The Mandarin and Ultron are the worst side effect of this. Mandarin was egged on by his own struggle in dealing with his PTSD this lost him his home and hurt Pepper.  Tony attempts to move forward removing his arc reactor and blowing up his suites, but that isn’t enough to fix his mental health issues. Ultron In A: AOU we see he changed from building himself suites to building autonomous suites. Ultron was a confluence of his previous trauma and Wanda forcing everything into overdrive by her mind manipulation. Then the actual robot was worse than Banner and Stark really ever thought it could be the Mind Stone not really being something they could ever have control.

Harley Keener and Tony’s relationship show a parent side to tony and also was one of forced vulnerability as Tony was without working metaphorical and physical armour. Harley helped him work through worsening PTSD and was able to help remind him where his strength as a mechanic lies. Tony with Peter is quite endearing. We see tony’s incapability with emotions still plays a role as Tony is hesitant to actually become as close to Peter as he wants, but does act to protect and teach peter even inviting him to come to live with him. Both of these relationships show a caring side and another way he actually pushed back against his upbringing and self-imposed isolation. This culminated in Tony having a family with Pepper.

Tony and Pepper are able to pick up the pieces after the loss of the Snap and Peter’s death specifically. Tony retires (mostly) from being Iron Man and they retreat into the woods to have a family. Morgan Stark is born during the interim from the snap the final battle. Tony clearly loves her, they appear to be quite close. Tony shows he is very involved in her life and calls her his ‘second chance’ I believe he’s referring to the loss of Peter and the time before becoming Iron Man where he feared family. Having worked to help protect people (even if he failed to stop Thanos), having a family, friends and a mostly peaceful life this relationship with morgan and Pepper fulfils his promise from the first movie, he didn’t waste his life. 

This relationship with Morgan also is a pretty good culmination of breaking the cycle of shame he referenced in IM3 being willing to show affection and joke with his daughter. He is then willing to sacrifice himself for his daughter and Pepper. Tony would give his life,  not only for the world but more so for his family. Being able to no only through trying to stop violence in the world, but violence to his family, he lives to be a better man he Howard Stark ever could be. 

Tony and Steve’s relationship is a pretty illustrative one through their contracts in the series. They are similar they are both leaders, search for control, experienced a lot of loss, and want to build of future. When they first meet Steve buys wholesale the projection he gives to the rest of the world, Tony on the other hand straight off the bat tries to see other sides of Banner. Tony lets this show stand not attempting to change it. The Avengers give Tony and Steve what they were looking for, Tony gets a family and Steve finds purpose and belonging.

In CA: CW the act as foils to each other in the way they handle their responsibility with Sokovia and in what motivates their actions after the fact. We see how personal responsibility, guilt and wanting the Avengers to be a family are what drives tony. Tony’s solution was to try and do the bureaucratic things he was taught, which contrasts with Steve. In the bunker, I think we see another large example of Tony. He went to help them after betrayal, and then what drives him to actually fight to hurt was betrayal from Steve who he had finally let in to trust. Also, the line about how Tony was Steve’s friend is heartbreaking.

In Endgame when Tony Comes back we see how hurt Tony was by Steve’s lies and feeling like he left Tony a second time because he broke the promise from Avenengers by him having to face Thanos without steve or any of the other Avengers but Peter. The line: “No Trust, Liar” is the most powerful here because I think feeling as if he can’t trust people is his greatest fear, stemming from his childhood and Stane. His taking off of the Arc Reactor is a multiply symbolic gesture, it’s stood for his heart throughout the series, as his life force, as Iron Man and it references back to when Steve broke the reactor in CA: CW. It’s a gesture of anger and defeat. 

Later on, in Endgame is does return to help them all for many reasons but he does agree to fight as an Avenger one last time. When returning to the compound he gives Steve his shield back, telling him it was always his scene Howard gave it to him in the 40s. This I think is while agreeing to be Iron Man one last time, that he believes Steve can still be Capitan America. while in the past Tony ensures Steve trusts him, they patch up their relationship in order to save the world. However, it does seem interesting that this and the giving of the shield seems like Tony apologises to steve in a way Steve never really returns. However, it shoes a gracious point of being able to move on that is a strength Tony had to work for

Tony’s life ended up being consumed by Avengers, by being Tron man. Even if by A: IW he really wants to be with Pepper and start a family but he could never give up the responsibility he feels. He would never let others die if he can (he’d die first) and wants to never have to bury all those he loves (again). Tony is also addicted and can only survive as Iron Man, within the fight, within the violence.

For five years, Tony was able to break this addiction. He was able to live a life of relative peace and build something that lasted. He had people who he trusted in his life, it was quite nice. However, he had continued to update his Iron Man suit and built Rescue. While I believe there is a strength in his being able to build a home that is stronger than his past, we still see that he can’t fully move on the past trauma. When presented with the problem of time travel, his scientific mind and grief over Peter drives him to work out, and with little time he solves a problem the others couldn’t.

He debates not going to fight, but Pepper tells him that he won’t be able to rest if he doesn’t help save the world, one last time. I believe Pepper knew he wouldn’t come home, and Tony knew. We could see this because Tony had created the Iron Gauntlet, recorded his goodbye message and being in synch with the plan Doctor Strange had.

His death is heartbreaking, and we see it shatters those close to him, and in the outtake scene, all of the Avengers and others like Carol who never knew him are willing to kneel in honour. Pepper tells him he can rest now, mirroring her early line. Peper always knew it would in this way, years ago having told Tony he would kill himself saying others, and she was right. Unlike earlier though this moment wasn’t reckless disregard for his own health, but selfless regard for the lives of those he loved. 

Posthumously we see that the world never forgot him. They all remembered him, making Thanos’s words very powerful. 

Overall Tony is a genius, billionaire, philanthropist,  creator, mechanic, hero, brother, father, romantic, survivor. He is Iron Man and more.

ND Headcanon:

ADHD:

Body stims

The brain always runs faster than everything else

Can’t focus at all or it’s all he can focus on

Hyperactive

Hyperfixations on technology, iron man suits etc

Hyper focusing on his projects in the labs

Impulsive

Interrupts people all the time

Climbs all over stuff

Rambling

Restlessness

Trouble focusing

Depression:

Disordered eating

Fatigue

Feelings of hopelessness

Feelings of worthlessness

Guilt

Insomnia

Lack of self-care

Masking

Self-deprecating mindset

Self-destructive

Self Isolating

Self-medicating

BPD:

Addictive personality

Affectivity problems

Allows himself to almost die

Creates false personalities

Control issues

Depression

Destructive behaviours with sex

Disordered eating

Extremely strong emotions

Impulsivity

Interpersonal problems

Reckless behaviour putting himself in intentional danger

Seeks lots of attention

Self-destructive activities

Sensitive to how others see him

Struggles with taking care of himself

Unstable relationships

Unstable sense of identity. Over attaching it to his name “Stark” and “Iron Man”

C-PTSD:

Addiction 

Anger

Attention difficulties

Control issues

Distrust

Dysphoria

Flashbacks

Hopelessness

Hyperarousal/Hyperarousal 

Feelings of disconnection from other people

Inconsistent relationships

Identity issues

Irritability 

Loneliness

A misplaced sense of having to be a hero to everyone in a deeply personal vision and not an ideological system of beliefs

Manufactured beliefs to replace lost ones

Nightmares

Obsessive thoughts

Panic attacks

Paranoia

Recklessness

Shame

Strong emotions

Survivor’s guilt

Trust issues

#fandom: #mcu #marvel #topic: #analysis series #character analysis #Character Study #meta #type: #my post #txt #Character: #tony stark #peter parker #morgan stark #pepper potts #Steve Rogers #Howard Stark #harley keener #ship: #tony stark & peter parker #tony stark & harley keener #tony stark/pepper potts #tony stark & steve rogers #tony stark & morgan stark #tony stark & rhodey #cw: #child abuse #suicide #death

[werevulvi]

I feel like I should get deeper into my choice to take on the nonbinary label. Is it based on misogyny? Yes. Absolutely, yes. But a woman simply protecting herself from misogyny is not complicit in the misogyny that she is forced to face. Radical feminists should know that, I think. However, I realise that I may have missed to communicate that clearly. Allow me to try better, and dig deeper into my wounds.

Identifying as nonbinary does give me a sense of relief, a sense of wholeness - a relief to be whoever I want and feel allowed to just exist as my authentic self, free from either fucked up gender stereotype, thgose of both men and women - which might sound good on the surface level... but looking deeper, through my radfem eyes, what it means, is this: Why do I feel like I cannot be my authentic self as a woman, all of a sudden? There we have it, the big bleeding wound in my heart, and that's what I feel a need to elaborate on. I'll stay out of the nonbinary tag this time. This isn't for them. (Although anyone can reblog, comment or give a like.) What do I actually want, for myself, if it wasn't for society? I wish to continue transitioning. I wanna go back on testosterone as I deeply miss it and I'm panicking about my body hair thinning out and decreasing. I do not want to lose it for the world! I'm holding onto every single one of my vanishing hairs, for dear life! At the same time, I still wish to get new boobs. I still miss them sorely and I just need to have those kinda body parts again. I feel broken without boobs, I panic without T. I cannot explain it. It's weird alright, but I don't give a fuck! Without societal imput that's just how I want to look and love looking like. It's just body mods. At core, that's what it is: just body modifications. You know that as radfems - I know it just as well.

I love my body when it's masculinised yet retaining all of my originally female parts, such as curves, breasts and my pussy. That makes me feel very positively connected to my body; so to the point that it makes me feel entirely at peace with that I'm female, and very comfortable with that it makes me a woman. But I cannot be okay with being female if I had to be a traditional looking woman, or even a butch-looking woman. That is not ME, neither of those would be my authentic self. So, my medical transition deeply matters to me, as body mods, and I will not walk away from that. I believe that continuing my medical transition while still honouring my female body and womanhood is what is right for me personally. I understand that there is an issue with the beauty industry affecting me too, but I'm clearly not making myself beautiful for men - nor am I making myself ugly for them. What I'm doing is making myself beautiful for me, in an unconventional way, even though it makes me also ugly for most other lesbians. Can you understand then, from that perspective, how deeply important it is for me, that I willingly make such a sacrifice? (I'm already in a happy lesbian relationship, so maybe you can't, but alright.) I do not believe that I mod myself out of self hate. Not anymore, because I did in the past, and I believe that I can tell the difference between living as a man while actively attempting to escape one's female biology - and living as a male-passing woman while actively honouring my beautifully modified female body. You may think I'm mutilated, but I'd disagree. I am beautiful and my high self-esteem greatly surpasses such rudeness.

Is a heavily tattooed woman self-hating for her mods? I don't know what you may think, but if not, then neither am I with my beard and deep voice and future fake tits. An intentionally virilised (fancy word for masculinised, I like it quite a lot), modified woman is what I am, want to be and remain as. I do not have any "social dysphoria" accompanying my body/sex dysphoria since I recovered from my traumas, and thus I feel no need or wish what so ever to call myself a man, and I feel good calling myself what is true in science: female, girl, woman, she/her, lady, ma'am, miss, etc.

I believe that I have somehow managed, against all odds, with the help of radfems on tumblr... to balance transitioning my dysphoria with being a self-loving biological woman. Thank you for that. So what's the catch? I mentioned misogyny. Well, socially, as a male-passing, yet suspiciously curvy and overtly effeminately styled person - I have effectively lost my right to be a woman outside of radblr. I want you to understand this, especially other radfem's, so please listen carefully if you've got a few minutes, because this is important, as it absolutely has to do with both female oppression as well as trans ideology bullshit (and I'll try not to scream this time, but I can't make any promises, because this is deeply painful and upsetting to me.) Can't women take testosterone and like it and still be women? That's what's so complicated, and I need to be upfront and clear about why. Technically, yes of course that is possible. No one can or should stop women from taking T if they truly want a beard and permanently deep voice, right - but is it possible socially? No, in my experience it is not, and I will now try my best to explain to you what I mean by that, as it's kinda abstract. There are two aspects to this. Firstly, any female person claiming to want those physical features is going to be told that they then cannot be a woman. They are told that is incorrect thinking, that they are a trans man or nonbinary, that they have internalised transphobia or that they are indeed a "cis" woman but confused and should NOT take testosterone, implying that will make her dysphoric if she really is a woman. Because trans ideology says so.

Secondly, living as a male-passing woman who does not want to pass as female, was something that I found to be so difficult in practice that eventually it became too much for me. It isn't dysphoria-inducing, not at all. But it's very, very frustrating and constantly challenging. I can no longer access women's spaces so I have to put up with using the men's including locker rooms, convincing people of my still female sex is next to impossible (even doctors!), other women view me as a threat and an imposter, I'm frequently barred from lesbian spaces unless my girlfriend invites me to them first, I am frequently mistaken for being a poorly passing trans woman, and so on.

I'm effectively forced to either live as a trans woman (which I'd feel is degrading, untrue, and deceptive) or to claim a transmasculine label to at least be able to infer that I'm "afab" - but a WOMAN? No. Woman, in the eyes of society as it is today - cannot be a happily male-passing, dysphoric female. That is deemed an oxymoron. Gender has taken presendency over sex. People assume, wrongfully, that my "gender identity" is woman - and they assume, just as wrongfully, that my sex is male - and they make both those assumptions at once. They then refuse to accept that they are wrong, no matter how hard I have tried to explain it, over and over ad nauseum. I don't even understand why that keeps happening!

Therefore, I've come to the sad conclusion that I'm simply no longer welcome into society as a woman, based on my choice of looks, as I am indeed happily transitioned and do not wish to change what testosterone improved on my body. I completely refuse to. Not to be dramatic, but... I'd rather fucking die. My body is not a property of society. It is MY property. My ONLY true property. And I'll decorate it however I so damn well please. But what can I do about it, being treated like that? Realistically, in actuality, what CAN I possibly do about it? Honestly, not much. I can either suck it up and "admit" to being a man, or I can fight endlessly and keep explaining how I'm really a woman, or choose some kinda middle-road like nonbinary, but I cannot win that fight. Perhaps (hopefully) radical feminism can, but me, as a single, individual person? No, I cannot win that battle. I stand defenseless against a massive army, and that enemy has worn me out. I have essentially lost my right to be a woman, by being my authentic self. That is very, very sad. It scares me, it honestly mortifies me, but I have to deal with it somehow. I can't just slump down and cry about it, no matter how tempting that is.

I do not think that my experience with this is entirely unique. I believe I probably share it with tons of other gnc and/or male-passing women, but I am new to this.

I'm 30 years old, and have only lived as a male-passing woman for one and a half year. I grew up as a typically feminine girl, dysphoric about my sex traits, but never dysphoric about my feminine expression. My gnc mom taught me well, to separate sex from gender expression, and I thus never confused the two as I see sooo many other gnc and trans people do. I do not blame them, because so many people infer that my femininity=woman and my masculinity=man and that the sum of my whimsical androgyny equals nonbinary. But I cannot, do not, WILL NOT and have never in my life... seen it that way. However, big however, I STILL turned out dysphoric about my sex, despite being a happily feminine female, and lesbian at that, and that is something few seem to understand. I get that, I totally do. It's probably rare. Just see for yourself how empty the "dysphoric femme" tag is. Yes, it exists, with a whole whopping three posts. And I struggle to explain it.

It's very hard for me to live as a male-passing woman because it is entirely new for me and I'm struggling to adapt to facing this extreme level of misogyny. I break down from it, I do not know how to handle it. Perhaps most gnc/dysphoric women have lived with that crap since they were young tomboys, but I haven't, because I was never a tomboy. I suppose it will get easier, as much else does, and that is why I'm pretty sure that me using the nonbinary label now is only going to be temporary. Because I do not know how to deal with this. I'm sorry... I'm sorry for breaking down and admitting defeat, I'm so fucking sorry. I just want to be treated with the dignity and respect that I give to others, or at least just an ounce of politeness. So am I actually nonbinary, then, genderwise? No, I am not. Neither my choice of gender roles, nor my androgynous blob of a personality, not even my strange dysphoria is evidence of a nonbinary gender. If that’s how others see it: fine, but I cannot force myself to actually believe that THAT's what makes me nonbinary... No matter how much I keep getting that forced down my throat. All I do is choke on it. What I am is a woman, sex-wise, as I've always stated. Me taking on the nonbinary label is indeed a choice. A reluctant, but very deliberate, active choice.

Problem is that I cannot live authentically while at the same time calling myself what I literally am, without getting brutally punished for it. Yes, I believe the ones to blame for that... are the TRA's. Trans activism slowly changed society to overlook sex in favour of gender. I believe that is why I am being denied my womanhood, because it is based on my invisible sex. If you look clearly female in your day-to-day life, I do not think that you could possibly experience this. To clarify: I do not mind passing as male. In fact I like it quite a lot. What I do mind, is being treated like crap for who I am, and not being believed to be what I am. I had no idea that this would happen upon my detransition. I am shocked, and I am hurt. End notes: I wish that someday I can truly reclaim my womanhood, without having to change my body to fit societal standards, or claim a trans label to dodge the societal standards. I miss my womanhood, and I need it... but it has been snatched from my hands. The enemy won't let me have it back, unless I comply to the rules and (sell my soul to the patriarchy) turn myself into a conventionally attractive barbie doll - and my attempts to reclaim it without complying to those rules, are utterly futile. I am an incorrect female... deprived of my right to be a woman, and it hurts. Man, it hurts sooo bad!

Honestly I don't know what to do about it, but for now I need a breathing break from this constant battle, because my enemy has exhausted me. "Nonbinary" is such a breathing break. It is my retreat, but I will NOT surrender. Someday I will charge back into battle again, and shove down people's throats that I'm damn well a woman regardless of what they think of it. Because this bearded bitch ain't fucking dead yet!!!

#explaining my nonbinary radfem label a bit better #yes its because of misogyny #gnc female #male-passing women #gender critical #radfem #detransition #dysphoric female #metaphors #real life vs dumblr #reclaiming womanhood was way harder than i thought #also im going back to medically transition #this is probably the most brutally honest ive been about this shit

[antimatterpod]

Transcript - 47. Pride And Prejudice In the Original Romulan

If you found the audio on this ep a little painful (and I don’t blame you at all, so did I!), here is the transcript!

Liz:  Welcome to Antimatter Pod, a Star Trek podcast where we discuss fashion, feminism, subtext and subspace, hosted by Anika and Liz. Today we're going to TRY to talk about the TOS novel My Enemy, My Ally -- but it's raining at both of our houses, and we both have internet that drops out in the rain. So…

Anika:  [laughs]

Liz:  This is our second go at recording the opening. [laughs] And it's really bucketing down out there!

Anika:  We bring the drama.

Liz:  We do! We do. Anyway, I am so glad that I finally read this classic tie-in novel, because I had such a good time.

Anika:  It's a lot of fun. I have long loved these books. I have a great deal of affection for the Rihannsu novels, and the characters within them. I don't think I've ever actually sat down and read the whole book in a really long time. So I noticed a lot of things that I don't remember when I'm thinking about the book. These aren't the things that I remember, or think on fondly when I go back and read my favourite passages and things. Those, I know practically by heart, but there was a lot that I just sort of glossed over.

Liz:  I have been hearing or reading about these books for almost as long as I've been in Star Trek fandom. And I never read them before, because I knew that Duane's worldbuilding for the Romulans was so different from what we ultimately got.

And yes, there's a lot of stuff that's really outdated, and no longer current, and I laughed out loud at the bit where the Starfleet intelligence report is like, "There have been a lot of assassinations happening in the Romulan Senate!" And everyone's like, "That's not like the Romulans! That's so weird!" Guys, it's Tuesday, there's an assassination.

But I was so impressed by how well it still fits with -- and I think Picard actually has a lot to do with that, because it's added so many layers of nuance and details to Romulan culture that Duane's ideas can just slip neatly in.

Anika:  Right. Yes. especially when -- whenever Ael talked or thought about the Klingons, she is so anti-Klingon, and it was sort of hilarious, because everything that she said about the Klingons was sort of what the TNG Romulans do.

Liz:  Yeah!

Anika:  And everything that she believes in about the Romulans is pretty much TNG Klingons.

Liz:  Right!

Anika:  And so it was this weird, you know -- and so this book came out in 1984, and the movie, Star Trek III: The Search for Spock, which was really the first time we saw modern Klingons. -- was in Star Trek III.

Liz:  And they were not particularly honourable.

Anika:  But they did have -- like, Valkris? Something like that. She has a V-kris name. At the very beginning of Star Trek III, she does the whole little, "I have to die, now, for honour" Klingon thing. That was new.

Liz:  Oh, you're right! It's been so long since I saw that.

Anika:  So I feel like [Duane] was writing about these Romulans while they were writing about those Klingons, and they decided to move in that direction. Because, you know, like, five years later, I guess? Maybe three years later, Next Generation came out. I'm sure they were already writing Next Generation. So--

Liz:  They actually weren't! Planning for Next Gen was going on really, really late in 1986.

Anika:  Really!

Liz:  Yeah, listening to the podcast The Trek Files, they go through a lot of the early Next Gen planning documents, and it's actually a little scary how close to the release for "Encounter at Farpoint" they're still working out things like, "Should there be a doctor?" and "Maybe we should cast someone as the android?"

Anika:  Maybe.

Liz:  It gives me a lot of secondhand stress. [laughs]

Anika:  That's funny. Although, looking at the beginnings of Next Generation, I believe it.

Liz:  Oh yeah, absolutely. It explains a lot. But yeah, it's interesting that Duane kept going with these books -- and was allowed to keep going with these books -- even after Next Gen started up and basically -- I think the term in fandom is still "jossed"? For Joss Whedon? Jossed all of her ideas about Romulans. And I just think it's really wonderful that Star Trek: Picard has started restoring some of these ideas.

And some of them are quite different, you know, Romulans have three names (including a secret name), not four. But the seeds are there. And I believe I read somewhere that Chabon actually considered using the Rihannsu language that Duane created, but it was decided that it was too different from everything else we've seen of Romulan language on screen.

Anika:  Interesting.

Liz:  I just wanna point out, species can have more than one language. Just putting that out there.

Anika:  What? Are you sure?

Liz:  I know. I know. I've heard it's possible.

Anika:  I don't think that's true.

Liz:  I hear there are people on Earth right now who don't speak English.

Anika:  [laughing] I'm sorry, just the idea that that would be shocking to anyone? Is a little scary.

Liz:  I know.

Anika:  But we can say that they were dialects, even. It doesn't even have to be a different language. But one of the things I really love about these books is that at least five percent of the book is in Romulan, and she puts in no effort of translating it. She just expects you to be able to understand what's going on based on the rest of it. I've always appreciated that.

Liz:  See, that kind of annoyed me. Because, like, I have no problem with subtitles, and I'm not one of those people who was complaining about all the subtitled Klingon in early Discovery. But here, I'm like, IT'S A BOOK! I DON'T NEED TO READ THESE FAKE WORDS! But when they start talking about, um, mmmmnesssahiiii… [Transcriber's note: the word is "mnhei’sahe". Good luck.]

Anika:  Yeah, I know. My second point is, I can't pronounce any of it.

Liz:  No!

Anika:  I read The Romulan Way first.

Liz:  Oh, I think you've said that before, yes. That's the one set on Romulus, with the spy?

Anika:  Yes. I was not reading Star Trek novels in 1984. But I read The Romulan Way, and then I went backwards for My Enemy, My Ally, because Ael is in The Romulan Way, and she's amazing. And she's, like, a superhero that shows up at the end, so I was like, I need to know the story of that. So I went back to it. But at the back of The Romulan Way, there's a glossary of Romulan words. It's only three pages long. It's nothing like the Klingon-English dictionary. And I am still, to this day, angry that I can't learn Romulan the way I could learn Klingon. Like, you can learn Klingon in Duolingo.

Liz:  You can! It's outrageous.

Anika:  But no one's ever taken the time to do that for Romulan, and I'm just annoyed, because that's the -- since I was a small child, that's the language I've wanted to speak.

Liz:  It sounds like they have put in the work of creating a conlang for Romulan now, with Picard, so maybe you can learn that? But it won't be Duane's Rihannsu.

Anika:  But it'll be at least something. I would love for someone to take the time and translate a novel into Romulan, or something. Like Jane Austen. If the Klingons get Shakespear--

Liz:  The Romulans get Austen.

Anika:  Yeah.

Liz:  I feel like the Romulans would rather have John LeCarre. But no, they're getting Austen and they're going to like it.

Anika:  Pride And Prejudice in the original Romulan is something I desperately want to read.

Liz:  "It is a truth universally acknowledged that a subcommander in possession of a great fortune must be in want of a…" yeah. Anyway. I'm gonna have to take some time to think about how this translates.

I wasn't so keen on the passages of Romulan, but I liked the Romulan words and concepts that we were introduced to, and I like that now we have -- like, Duane gives us names of Romulan animals? And the significance that they attach to names, names of ships and names of people, I really groove on that sort of thing. And Ael's idea that the name of the Enterprise is very unlucky because it's such a big, powerful concept.

Anika:  Sounds accurate. And it also makes me think about the Enterprise. Like, obviously -- when I was a kid, watching Next Generation, watching The Original Series, watching the one with the whales -- you know, it's exciting that they get the Enterprise back in the end, right? It's a big deal, and the Enterprise is obviously the best ship in the fleet. Because it's the Enterprise, and these are the stories of the people who are on it!

But, if I think about the name, I hate it! It's so capitalist. It's so military. It's so American, and I just -- I hate it!

Liz:  It really is. I say this with all due love and respect. And I know it was a British Navy ship first, but come on.

Anika:  So, yeah, that's how I feel about it. So I appreciate that she makes me think about these things.

Liz:  Yeah, I really love her take on it. And it makes me like the name of the Enterprise, too. I think, you know, Discovery and Voyager are much more positive and less iconic names, and even Defiant -- you know, that's a big concept, and it's not so positive as "discovery" or "voyaging", but it's necessary to what the Defiant was built for.

Anika:  And I like that, in Discovery and in Picard, they have actually named some ships with non-English words and concepts and people. They're taking those tiny baby steps towards making it a little less--

Liz:  I know! For all that I've dunked on Chabon throughout our podcast, he made a deliberate choice to name starships after non-western explorers, and I really, really love that. Still all men, but, you know, we'll get there.

Anika:  Baby steps!

Liz:  My thing in fic is that I always name starships after women of science or science fiction. So when I am in charge of Star Trek, it will be a much better show. I promise.

I just wanna say how much I love Ael as a character.

Anika:  Absolutely.

Liz:  She's basically the perfect character for me -- she's not quite cranky enough, although she puts on a good facade of it early in the book, when she's deceiving the crew she's about to sacrifice. But she's -- I like characters who are old enough to have a past, and young enough to have a future. And she's perfect [for me]! She has her ship, she has her crew, she has her adult son, who serves underneath her as her first office. It's really wonderful. And I read that Duane created her as a woman who could sort of match Kirk at his own game, but in doing so, she created a wonderful character in her own right.

Anika:  I had to write this one sentence down. It's on page 93, when Ael beams onto the ship, onto the Enterprise, and so our Enterprise crew first see her. I underlined the sentence that I'm going to read, and then I wrote in the margins, "So that's why I fell so hard and so immediately for Admiral Kat."

Liz:  [laughs] Yes?

Anika:  And this is the sentence: "She carried herself like a banner or a weapon, like something proud and dangerous, but momentarily at rest."

Liz:  Yes! And I think she and Kat have a lot in common, because Ael is so pragmatic, and so ruthless in how she abandons the crew of the Cuirass to their own destruction -- which she has set up for them! And these were not particularly good people, they intended to betray her, but she still feels that twinge of regret, because this is her honour that she is destroying. And then she does it anyway. And I love that in a character. I love characters who are -- particularly women -- who are capable of terrible things, but know what they have done.

Anika:  Right. And, as you said, that she's old enough to have a past, and young enough to have a future. I think that that has that same -- and so I was like -- again, I read these books young. And so I really looked up to Ael as a role model, you know? I really was drawn to that. The character in The Romulan Way, the main character, is the character that I would want to be, and then she looked up to Ael. So it was like this whole thing.

So, going back and, again, reading it -- and really reading it, this time, not just skimming and skipping to my favourite parts, but really taking the time to read each passage -- there was just so much of things that I love about Star Trek and other mediums, and other fandoms, that were in this book. And it's like, oh, it formed -- it informed the future me, when I was reading it as a small girl. Because I was inspired by those things, and then I went looking for more of that.

Liz:  It's just the most wonderful piece of space opera, with empires attempting to push and shift the balance of power, and individuals working for the betterment of the community, the galactic community as a whole. I love that! And at one point, I was like, the worldbuilding in this story is so rich, and the plot itself is so interesting, this didn't need to be a tie-in. This could be an original piece of work. But, at the same time, would we still be talking about it if this "original novel" had been published in 1984? Like, there is a lot of great science fiction written by women in the '80s, which is just straight forgotten.

Anika:  Right. I agree.

Liz:  That's not to say that's okay, you know, I think there's a lot of joy to be had in rediscovering that stuff, like Vonda McIntyre's original work, but--

Anika:  And I also don't think it cheapens her worldbuilding and the effort that she clearly put in to make fifty original characters for this book--

Liz:  Fifty! Did you count?

Anika:  I didn't count them.

Liz:  Okay.

Anika:  I'm just saying, I started naming them, and there are people that are just -- and they reoccur in all of her other novels. Which is great. I looked up -- because Lia Burke, the nurse, I was like, is Lia Burke a "real character", quote-unquote, or is she only in these books? Because I couldn't tell. I really, firmly believed that she was a member of the Enterprise [crew] in The Original Series, or my guess was that she was introduced in the animated series. And since I'm never going to watch the animated series, I wouldn't know. So I looked it up, and no, she was introduced in The Wounded Sky, Duane's first book.

Liz:  Huh!

Anika:  But she appears in all of them, and is such a rich character, even with her two scenes and her four lines. But I know exactly who she is.

Liz:  She is such a rich character that I almost looked at her -- and you know I really hate the concept of the Mary Sue, but I looked at her and went, "Are you maybe TOO RICH to be a supporting character? You need to have your own series, love, you need to step out of the Star Trek universe and into your own thing. Because you are taking over."

And I think that's a really difficult line to walk with tie-in fiction, because you need to deepen the universe with original characters, and they need to be GOOD original characters, they need to be complicated and interesting. But at the same time, they're not what the audience is there for.

Anika:  Right. But I think she's amazing, and the way that [Duane] makes this rich supporting cast, and I firmly believe that they're a part of the Enterprise.

Liz:  Yes. Even the Horta officer, Ensign Naraht--

Anika:  I love him!

Liz:  He's so great! Kirk keeps comparing him to a pan pizza, and I'm like, (a) he is clearly a deep dish; (b) that's pretty racist, mate.

Anika:  [laughs] PRETTY racist? He's saying that he looks edible!

Liz:  Yes!

Anika:  That's a problem!

Liz:  And then TrekCore, yesterday, posted the stills from Discovery showing the Horta in the background of Lorca's chamber of horrors, and I'm like, was Lorca going to eat the Horta???

Anika:  But speaking of racism--

Liz:  I just want to say, like Duane's original characters always encompass non-humanoid Starfleet officers. And it's so great. I find it really distracting because, like, I've seen what the ship looks like, and I know that it doesn't accommodate these people? But at the same time, what she is doing is really good, and that I personally find it distracting is not actually a point of failure on Duane's part.

Anika:  I get confused trying to imagine -- like, she describes them, and I just cannot. I need someone to draw me fan art, or something, so I get it.

Liz:  I agree. Because, like, the three Denebian races, and one of them has tentacles -- I lost track of all of them, but I love them. What were you going to say about racism?

Anika:  I was just going to say, I find it interesting that there are a few times where our human characters, Kirk, Uhura, etc -- even Spock, I think -- will start saying something anti-Romulan, and then stop themselves and apologise to whichever Romulan they were interacting with. And the Romulan's like, "No, no, no, it's okay." And in -- I don't think Ael ever does it, but in her inner monologue, she sometimes will think about -- she has a whole couple of paragraphs about how she thought the Vulcans were one thing, but it turns out they're not. So it's like there's this whole, interesting "confronting racism" part.

Liz:  Yeah, there's a bit where she enters the rec room, and looks around at the relatively diverse Enterprise crew and goes, "This should be horrifying me maybe more than it is? Am I … a bad Romulan?"

Anika:  But then -- and I only wrote this one down, and, again, it's an old book, and we are all still grappling with racism and cultural appropriation and PC language, or whatever. But on page 135, it says, "What would you call Shanghaiing the Intrepid?" And again, I wrote in my margins, "I would call it racism!" Because, what the hell are you doing in saying that in the 22nd century -- whatever century it's supposed to be.

Liz:  Years and years ago, I used the term "shanghai" to mean, you know, kidnap someone and press them into service. And my friend Stephanie, who is Chinese-Malaysian, was like, "Um, Elizabeth?" She has this particular tone. And I apologised, but internally, I was really defensive about it, you know, [Well Actually voice] "That was a BRITISH term, and it was referring to stealing English people and taking them to serve in Shanghai, and blah, blah, blah, blah." But then it just dropped out of my vocabulary, and I haven't really felt the loss, to be honest. Like, you can say "pressed into service" if you need it. And so, yeah, that jumped out at me, too, it's such an archaic term, and something which has taken on a meaning that it did not originally have.

Anika:  Right. And that's the thing, language is constantly changing.

Liz:  And I noticed Duane uses the archaic M-Z spelling for "Mz" for Uhura and the other female officers.

Anika:  Yes!

Liz:  Which is great! Like, I love that artefact of 1984.

Anika:  There's a lot in this book. There's a lot more than we could possibly talk about. There's the part where she's thinking, you know, "The Federation doesn't understand that they have so much more than we do, and so we're hostile because we want what they have -- but they're so rich, and that's just the way they've always been, so they don't know." And I was like, oh, look at that.

There are so many of these things that we're talking about now, you know, in Picard and in Discovery. And I love that it was in this novel, that it was -- "I'm going to bring this up, and the Romulans aren't going to be just cookie cutter 'other' who we have to fight, but there are reasons for the ways that they are."

Liz:  It made me think, this is not incompatible with what we see of Romulans in the Next Gen era. Not wholly. Because Ael is very much a character who looks to a glorious and honourable past, and is sort of only dimly aware of how corrupt the present is. And that makes me think of the Klingons, who are also always talking about their great, honourable, glorious past, and, the Klingon Empire, make it great again! And, really, they also have this terrible cultural rot that's destroying them from the inside out.

Whereas the Federation -- particularly humanity -- we look at our past and go, "Wow, that is messed up. Oh God, we have failed so badly, we need to do so much better!" And I feel like these different attitudes are why the Federation -- part of why the Federation is more flexible and more dynamic than the Romulans and the Klingons. It's not looking towards this imaginary nostalgic past.

And that got me thinking about, you know, make America great again, and contemporary politics, and conservative nostalgia for the 1950s.

Anika:  That never actually existed! I did a paper on this!

Liz:  Right! And I'm sure that Ael's great, honourable empire never really existed either. But she herself is an honourable person. Mnhei’sahe…

Anika:  Meh-nehs-eye. That's how I say it.

Liz:  Mnhei’sahe! Mnhei’sahe. That makes it sound like a real word.

Anika:  I don't know if that's right.

Liz:  This complicated concept that is not quite honour, and not quite loyalty, and it's not quite brotherhood -- there's a whole vaguely sexist conversation about 'brotherhood'. But it's that sense of owing something to your family and to your people and to your culture, and they, in turn, owe you the same.

I think, because Ael believes in mnhei’sahe so firmly, she has a bit of a rosy-eyed view of the past. But we've met other Romulans in TNG who had mnhei’sahe.

Anika:  Yeah. "The Defector".

Liz:  Not just that, but the guy that Geordi meets down on the planet…

Anika:  "The Enemy".

Liz:  Yeah! They have very different values, but they come to respect each other, and that particular Romulan comes to recognise that Geordie has mnhei’sahe. Aside from treating assassination as an aberration rather than a hobby, I really do think that this is consistent with Romulan culture as we know it.

Anika:  Yes, I think it is, too. Especially because Ael is a very -- she has a very strong point of view. So she's saying, "This is wrong, and this is the way it should be, and our new Romulans are doing this." So if you imagine that the 'new Romulans' win, then they're the ones who are doing all the shenanigans and nonsense in The Next Generation, as opposed to the ones who are still clinging to that idea of honour.

Liz:  I have this fairly elaborate headcanon about the Romulans, and how they sort of almost withdraw into their own space -- aside from bombing the Khitomer outpost -- after the Federation makes peace with the Klingons. And then they emerge at the end of season 1 of Next Gen.

And when they emerge, they're a lot more physically uniform, they're a lot more -- you know, they all have the bowl cut, they all have the shoulder pads. Their society has changed. And they're less diverse in their personal presentation than they were in the previous century. And I think we can argue -- especially after Picard, and the great diversity that's exploded in the wake of the destruction of Romulus -- that this was a deliberate thing, that their culture became more oppressive than it had been in the past.

Anika:  I can absolutely believe that. And it became an authoritarian version of their empire.

Liz:  Yeah, I'm sure that it was never a democracy, but it seems like most Romulans maybe had more personal freedom in the 23rd century.

Anika:  Okay, at one point the chief linguists officer starts randomly reciting a Roman poem in the middle of the briefing?

Liz:  Right!

Anika:  [laughs] Which is hilarious, and I was like, okay, this is a little too on the nose for me.

Liz:  So on the nose.

Anika:  You know, like, wink, wink, not really into it. But--

Liz:  Especially when Duane has been separating the Rihannsu from the Roman-inspired Romulans.

Anika:  Right. But, obviously, the fact that they have their praetor and their senate -- they are very based on Rome. And the Roman Empire.

Liz:  There was a concept in Rome called 'romanitas', and it's basically mnhei’sahe. It's loyalty to the state, and it's personal honour, and it's being a responsible member of your family, and what you owe to your patron, or what you owe to your clients if you are the patron. Or the paterfamilias. It's all of that. It's mnhei’sahe.

Anika:  Okay, so we are in the year 2020, right?

Liz:  Allegedly. Time has no meaning where I am, but yes.

Anika:  Well, I'm just saying that that means that within -- 2000 years ago, the Roman Empire still existed. Right?

Liz:  Yes.

Anika:  Here on good old Earth. But we have moved -- we still have politics, and we still learn algebra, and we still look at philosophy in a very Graeco-Roman way. Okay?

Liz:  We still post, "Today I baked bread", we just post it on Instagram instead of carving it into a wall.

Anika:  But we also have changed. We've evolved from Roman times. Right? Would you say that we've evolved from Roman times?

Liz:  Yeah, absolutely.

Anika:  All right. According to this book--

Liz:  [laughs]

Anika:  --the Romulan Empire has stayed the same as ancient Rome for more than 5000 years. And, like, the Vulcans were also ancient Romans 5000 years ago.

Liz:  Yes.

Anika:  And I'm just, like, no.

Liz:  It's like this thing in a lot of fantasy and science fiction where the timescales are just massively inflated. George R R Martin does it all the time, and it drives me crazy!

Anika:  [laughing] That is not how that works!

Liz:  No.

Anika:  No way.

Liz:  It is absolutely not, but it's one of those things where I look at it and go, you're a trope. You annoy me. But fine, we'll live with it.

Anika:  See, it really bothers me. Because I can't just handwave that. I can't just be, like, sure. Because it's like, no. The whole plot is based on this whole, we're gonna steal Vulcan brain matter, and we're gonna graft it into Romulan brains, and then the Romulans are gonna have Vulcan powers. Right? That's the whole plot.

Liz:  But also, there's going to be this massive super brain that can control and paralyse Vulcans.

Anika:  That's one of the things that I skim over. I just even go to the massive brain part.

Liz:  [laughs] It was just so gross that I really liked it! It made me think of the brain room in Harry Potter?

Anika:  Ew. But yes, okay, I see that.

Liz:  Also not a highlight of that series.

Anika:  Vulcans and Romulans had space travel 5000 years ago. And then they split up. And the Romulans decided to not evolve from that point on. Meanwhile, the Vulcans grew brain powers. Like -- no! Just no.

Liz:  I always assumed that there was some sort of genetic drift, and maybe the genetic predisposition in the people who left and became Romulans meant that those genes just fell dormant and were eventually bred out. Because 5000 years is a really long time.

Anika:  Is a really long time! I can believe the dormancy of the Romulans. I cannot believe that the Vulcans -- that part doesn't happen.

Liz:  Yeah, I don't believe that they developed that -- no. No.

Anika:  I think it's more likely that all of them had the brain powers 5000 years ago, in Roman times, when they had space travel. And they split off, and what happened is that all the Romulans who were, like, the best brain powered Romulans were all murdered by the other Romulans, because that's what Spock says would happen.

Liz:  Right.

Anika:  So, sure.

Liz:  Also, I wonder, if they left and found their own home planet before they had faster than light technology, if the -- the limitations of a very long journey under those circumstances are part of what made Romulan culture so pragmatic and ruthless in its treatment of the disabled, for example. Because I know, in "The Enemy", the Romulan with all the mnhei’sahe is like, "Oh, if a baby was born blind on Romulus, we'd just kill it!" And Geordie's like--

Anika:  "Yikes."

Liz:  --"What the hell, man, that's not cool."

Anika:  "Super yikes!"

Liz:  Yeah. Mate. But, from a worldbuilding perspective, it would make sense if they developed that attitude in space.

Anika:  I agree. While we're on this subject, in that part where Spock says, you know, "Oh my gosh, if Romulans had Vulcan mind powers, it would be armageddon." Which is also, like, okay. But--

Liz:  I feel like his biases are showing.

Anika:  But that paragraph is very interesting to me from, you know -- my note here is, "Not to make everything about the Jedi, but…"

Liz:  [laughs]

Anika:  Spock basically describes Jedi mind tricks in that paragraph, and says that they're evil. And I would just like to put that out there into the ether.

Liz:  See, this makes me want to hit Diane up on Tumblr and go, "So, do you have any particular opinions about Star Wars? Did you have any particular opinions about Star Wars in 1984 that you would like to share with the class?

Anika:  It was just really funny to me.

Liz:  I really do like the idea of Romulans attempting to graft and weaponise Vulcan telepathy. I think that's brilliant.

Anika:  It is brilliant! It's great. And I have to appreciate that Kirk has the thought that, if the Federation got its hands on that, it would absolutely be the same problem. Like, he is self-aware enough to realise that it would be just as bad in the Federation as it would be for the Romulans or the Klingons to have it. Yes, the Vulcans are the only ones we can trust with this, which -- I don't trust all the Vulcans, but--

Liz:  We know from Next Gen and "Gambit" that even Vulcans can't always be trusted with psychic weapons. But, okay, go off. Yep.

Anika:  So what did you think of the characterisation of our main crew?

Liz:  I really enjoyed Duane's take on McCoy. He felt so McCoy-like, but also, he's, like, secretly -- not a chess champion, but a highly ranked player? He just likes watching the game, it's a spectator sport. I really liked that, and I really liked the bit where he starts ranting at Ael, and everyone's like, oh yeah, this means he likes you, this means you're one of his people now.

Anika:  Yes. McCoy, I think, is the strongest.

Liz:  I quite liked her Kirk? We were saying in Discord, you know, no drawing of Kirk ever looks the same, and no drawing of Kirk ever looks like William Shatner? He's basically a cryptid. And that's sort of how I feel about his characterisation -- well, everywhere. Because he fits so many archetypes, and some of them are mutually exclusive. But I liked the direction that Duane took him in here. I felt like he was a very likable character, and he was a great foil for Ael … or maybe the other way around, apparently he's the main character, I don't know.

Anika:  No.

Liz:  But a fundamentally decent man, who respects and enjoys getting to know one of his most honourable enemies. That's great!

Anika:  I like that they have a pre-rivalry. They know who each other is before this book, before they meet in person. And respect each other.

Liz:  Yes. Yes. They know that they're equals, and they like that, but in certain situations they would not hesitate to kill each other. And I love the bit where Ael is listing the ships that have been sent into the Neutral Zone. And there's the Intrepid, and the other one, and the other one -- and then, "worst of all, the Enterprise." Just great.

And Spock … I don't think it was a bad characterisation of Spock, but, as much as I liked the mindmeld scene where he enters Ael's mind and sees that she is telling the truth, or at least, what she believes to be the truth -- I felt like, giving his connection with her niece, the Romulan Commander of "The Enterprise Incident", there should have been some more discussion of that?

Anika:  Especially because it's eventually an important plot point.

Liz:  Right! And that sort of came out of nowhere, and it wasn't clear to me whether he even knew that she had this connection to the unnamed Commander. But I loved that she was the Commander's aunt, and the Commander had been her heir, and that her son, Tafv, ultimately betrays her because he is so angry that the Romulan Commander was stripped of her identity and made an unperson and exiled.

Anika:  Yes. You can imagine that I love everything about that relationship.

Liz:  Yes?

Anika:  I am so -- like, I can't be angry with Tafv, because I'm like--

Liz:  Oh, I can!

Anika:  --that is a really good motivation, and I am 100% on board with it, and I just want all of -- like, I want to see them as young Narek and Narissa types. In their version of Romulus.

Liz:  We'll get to that.

Anika:  I love it.

Liz:  I have something to say about that. I loved that he wanted to take the Enterprise, and that he wanted to get revenge on Kirk and Spock for what they did to his cousin. But I was furious that he was also betraying his mother, and that he also wanted to see her executed. Like, you little shit! She did her best!

Anika:  [laughs] Yes, but it was all the same feeling, where he chose his cousin over his mother. He chose one family over the other. And it was -- but before we move off of -- because I want to go into all of that, but before we move off of characterisation, I just want to say that I've never really liked Duane's version of Spock. I don't dislike it, like, I'm not saying it's bad, it's just that her Spock is not my Spock.

Liz:  No, and I think that's fair.

Anika:  And that's okay.

Liz:  I don't think it's bad, but he's clearly not her favourite. And that's fine.

Anika:  And it's true in -- again, across all of her novels. They're barely in The Romulan Way. It's mostly -- McCoy is the only one. And he's her best.

Liz:  And McCoy is clearly her favourite.

Anika:  Yes. but then, Spock's World is obviously -- it's like the version -- they go into all of the Vulcan mythology, and they have a whole court-senate-crazy thing on Vulcan, and all of our crew get to make speeches to all of Vulcan. Because not only are there thousands in the stadium, but also, it's, you know, live streaming to all of Vulcan. And they're all making their speech, and it's just -- it's interesting to me that 96% percent of Vulcans are into politics and pay attention and vote, and stuff. Like. That's crazy, because here on Earth, it's, like, in the 30s or 40s. So that's always interesting to me.

Liz:  Right, even in Australia, we have compulsory voting, and I think it comes out at about 86%.

Anika:  But her characterisation of Spock, and particularly Sarek, in Spock's World, is really -- it's like, I appreciate it, but it's not where I would go. It's not how I see them. And also T'Pring.

Liz:  It's not that it's bad, it's just that her headcanons are not your headcanons.

Anika:  Yeah, it's just different. Exactly. And so I really appreciate the writing, but it's an AU version of those characters for me. And this one, also -- like, he kept joking, and he kept -- I don't know. It was just a little bit off. At one point he says -- he asks the doctor how you would hold hands with a mother hen?

Liz:  Yes!

Anika:  And I was like, no. Spock would never. I just couldn't see it. I had troubles.

Liz:  No, and I really liked that scene. It's a scene where Kirk tells McCoy and Spock, you know, "You don't need to hold my hand and protect me," and McCoy is like, "Yeah, the way rumours spread on this ship, you're not holding hands with Spock, ever." And I was like, I see what you did there, Duane, and I love it!

Anika:  Wink, wink.

Liz:  But we didn't need to overegg the pudding with the mother hen/how do you hold hands bit.

I was going to say, with regards to Narek and Narissa, I'm so delighted and fascinated that Duane posits that inheritances are passed down to nieces and nephews, and the concept of the sister-daughter. And then we have Ramdha raising her niece and nephew, and it's like -- again, is that an intentional reference?

Anika:  Because I knew -- I remembered that Ael was her aunt, was the Romulan Commander's (who still doesn't have a name) aunt. But I didn't -- like, I thought it was just an offhand -- but it goes into, like you say, this whole inheritance thing, and there's this whole -- and the whole Tafv -- "the cousins were as close as anyone could be" kind of thing. And I was like, oh, that is so -- it IS transferred over into Ramdha and Narek and Narissa, and I love it, and I'm -- yes.

Liz:  And, as a concept, it's just such a nice bit where the worldbuilding is not default western … white people culture. And it raises questions, like, do they practice first cousin marriage, or is that as taboo as a sibling marriage? And what happens if your sibling doesn't have children? And what happens if -- you know, there are so many questions!

Anika:  Right, exactly.

Liz:  Romulan inheritance law is suddenly really interesting to me!

Anika:  [laughs] I love them. I love my Romulans, I love my Romulan families, it's all I want from the world.

Liz:  You know, I only decided to read this because Picard had sort of revived some of its ideas. And I'm so glad that I did, and I would really like to pitch a loose adaptation of this novel as season 2 of Star Trek: Picard.

Anika:  So have Ael, or a version of Ael, who comes to Picard?

Liz:  Yeah! Who has survived the destruction of Romulus, and is attempting to serve the Romulan Free State with honour, with mnhei’sahe. And who has learned that either the Free State or the Romulan Rebirthers are doing this terrible thing with Vulcan mind powers, and -- you know, it's awful, it's horrifying. So she seeks out the man who went to toe to toe with Commander Tomalak, and who commanded the evacuation. And then, along the way, she discovers with horror that her lost sister is alive and well and living on a vineyard--

Anika:  [laughs] Because she's Laris's sister????

Liz:  Look -- you know, from the beginning, I have decided that Laris is linked to the original Romulan Commander, Joanne Linville.

Anika:  Yes.

Liz:  And Ael is canonically linked to that character. And the loss of a family member is really important to Ael's arc, so to find that her sister is alive, and has almost abandoned mnhei’sahe -- abandoned her people, not only in choosing to go into this exile, but in joining the Tal Shiar, which is the sort of organisation Ael would loathe and detest -- I think it's a really interesting way to adapt the internal conflict within Ael's family from the novel to the present canon.

Anika:  I really like it. I really like it. I have one question, that is a very me question, and that listeners are probably gonna get angry at me for.

Liz:  Go!

Anika:  Does it involve getting Narek out of Federation prison, Tom Paris style?

Liz:  [deep breath] This wasn't in my head, but yes, I think it does.

Anika:  Okay. That's all I want.

Liz:  No, it would be sort of great, because if Ael  has to kill her son after he betrays them and all that, and maybe chooses to save Laris over Tafv, then she can adopt Narek and introduce him to the radical concept of mnhei’sahe.

Anika:  Yes! See?

Liz:  Yes.

Anika:  Call us!

Liz:  I actually think one great thing about the whole Covid disaster -- and this is really insensitive to say, given the scale of death -- but at least the Star Trek writers have a lot more time to work on their seasons before filming starts? [Transcriber's note: this was said in a deliberately facetious and self-mocking tone; obviously a shitty season and no pandemic would be better.]

Anika:  [laughs] Oh dear.

Liz:  But yes, that's my pitch for an adaptation. And I gave a lot of thought to who would play Ael, and because their first thought on meeting her is that she's so small, I was like, who is a very small, powerful older woman? And my first thought was Nana Visitor.

Anika:  Ooops. That's not gonna work out.

Liz:  Yeah, there's a problem there.

Anika:  That's not gonna work. I have--

Liz:  No, so then I went -- go.

Anika:  No, go ahead, if you want to say yours first.

Liz:  Oh, well, I have two. I sort of went in a different direction and went, okay, who could plausibly be Orla Brady's sister? Who is dark, and has great cheekbones and nice eyebrows, and has that sort of power? And so my first thought was Oscar-winner Olivia Colman.

Anika:  Okay.

Liz:  And then, as a back-up, because she might be busy doing other stuff, was Helen McCrory.

Anika:  Helen McCrory! Oh my gosh! Sorry. My brain had to catch up with what you were actually saying.

Liz:  [laughs]

Anika:  That is brilliant, I love it, I would cast her in anything, and I love the idea of her as Orla Brady -- Laris's sister. Make it happen. I went in a completely different direction, but I really, really love it.

Liz:  Oh! Go!

Anika:  So I decided -- I was sort of, like, I need somebody at least in their forties, and as you said, tiny but powerful. So I decided on Archie Panjabi.

Liz:  Ooooohhhhhhh!

Anika:  You know, olive-skinned-ish.

Liz:  Yeah, yeah! Obviously this breaks my Orla Brady's sister bit--

Anika:  Yeah, sorry, I didn't know that she was supposed to be Orla Brady's sister when you said we were fancasting.

Liz:  I wanted to surprise you with that twist! I wanted to give you a nice surprise! But no, I think she'd be quite good in the role!

Anika:  Yes, I think that, at least as written on the page in this book, I can imagine her even saying some of the things. And definitely I can imagine her going toe to toe with Kirk.

Liz:  Definitely.

Anika:  And also sort of having that flirtation happening.

Liz:  Absolutely. No, I think she would be really good. I didn't really look at, like, size once I moved on from Nana Visitor, because, you know, on TV everyone is sort of the same size? But yeah, I really like your take. Apparently Gene Roddenberry did not care for this series. Which only makes me like it more.

Anika:  [laughs] I mean, good on [Duane] for getting it done anyway, is all I can say to that. Like, I'll believe it. I haven't actually read your thing, and I'm gonna let you get to it in a minute, that you have linked here.

But I absolutely believe that -- given that, like I said, she creates so many different characters, she creates new departments on the Enterprise and then people to be in them. And entire other ships, and they're friends with Kirk, and they go back so-and-so time, and there's just so much that she creates for Star Trek. But it's her version of Star Trek. That I can absolutely imagine him being annoyed at the idea that she's going to create -- she's gonna give the Romulans culture? No? That's his job, and just because he never cared to doesn't mean that someone else should.

So it's sort of, like, great men do great things, but they also have great egos. And get annoyed. It's like they -- to pull something contemporary, the fact that Rose Tico is not in The Rise of Skywalker at all seems to me--

Liz:  Oh, I'm still mad.

Anika:  --solely because JJ Abrams didn't create that character, and so he was going to create two or three new characters to take over her part, because he was annoyed. And I don't think he -- and I don't know JJ Abrams.

Liz:  He is not a close personal friend of yours?

Anika:  I don't think he would necessarily even consciously -- you know, I don't think he would even consciously do it. But I can imagine that he would subconsciously do it.

Liz:  The preponderance of original characters was at the heart of Roddenberry's objections, particularly to The Romulan Way. Apparently he tried to block publication because he felt it was an original novel that used the Romulan names and had McCoy in it just to get it published as a Star Trek novel.

Anika:  I mean, that's true, but it's also really good.

Liz:  I know, I'm like, you're saying this like it's a bad thing? My source for this is vintage 1994 wank on Usenet. There's a link to the archive which I will share, but basically, Roddenberry's former assistant, Richard Arnold, spent -- seems like a good portion of the early '90s fighting with tie-in authors on the internet?

And it's not even that he's wrong, he's saying, you know, if you wrote a Star Trek novel, that doesn't mean you wrote for Star Trek, that means you wrote for hire tie-in fiction. It's not that this is untrue, it's just that … I don't like him? And I don't like the way he says it? Anyway there are all sorts of spurious allegations of defamation, and libel, and "I don't know what Duane Duane's husband has to do with this," he only co-wrote The Romulan Way, "so I'm not going to answer that."

But I had a lot of fun going through rec.arts.startrek.fandom fights from the early '90s. Especially the bit where I stumbled into a thread where they were looking at the premise of Deep Space 9 and going, "Oh my gosh, these people don't care about Star Trek, this is a blatant money grab, this is going to destroy Star Trek forever, look at all this political correctness with a black man in charge and a female first officer. I mean, God, Star Trek, it's just not going to survive."

Anika:  Oooh, that was one thing I wanted to bring up, too. Very early in this novel, here, on page 27, in fact, Uhura basically says that Starfleet is the worst. And then, two pages later, Kirk straight-up says that his and the Enterprise's priorities are usually different from Starfleet's. And I was just, like, you know what? She didn't pull that out of nowhere, that was in TOS. So everybody who's complaining that, in Picard, suddenly Starfleet is on the other side, and we're against them, has not been watching Star Trek.

Liz:  There's people who think that Star Trek is wholly utopian and perfect, and then there's people who agree with us.

Anika:  I just loved it. I was like, you go. And also, while I'm on the subject of Uhura, nearly every time she was in this book, she was described as beautiful, gorgeous, handsome. And I'm not complaining about this, but I love it. I love that she could not not describe Uhura as amazing and stunning.

Liz:  And it didn't feel objectifying. It wasn't, like, the male gaze. Yeah. I also enjoyed the Sulu POV when Tafv's people have attacked the ship, and he's climbing through the Jeffries tubes, and he's like, "I think I'm becoming claustrophobic. Maybe I should talk to the doctor about that. Eh, that's a future Sulu problem."

Anika:  And I love Khiy, the young Romulan who's hanging out with them, and fighting back because HIS honour has also been besmirched. It's so heartwarming! I just love them all.

Liz:  That was one of the things -- the conflict between mnhei’sahe, where one owes honour to different and competing parties, and this is not a flaw on your part, it's a problem to be solved -- I really liked that as a piece of cultural worldbuilding.

Anika:  Oh, and -- okay, so at one point she's saying, "Okay, here are the three ships that have been sent to meet up with us." And Nniol says, "My sister's on that ship, my sister's on Javelin, I don't know if I can fight my sister." Which is perfectly fair. And he says, "I have to go back to the other ship, I can't be trusted to be in battle against her." I loved that. I loved that it set up the whole "We're gonna punch each other and then start flirting" scene -- that was great -- between Kirk and Ael. That was awesome.

Liz:  Right?

Anika:  But then Javelin is destroyed! And I am so upset that Nniol's sister got blown up! I'm really, really heartbroken for Nniol, because he loved his sister. And she wasn't the captain, she wasn't one of the bad guys, she just happened to be on that ship. She was probably -- he was a really low-level person, she was probably a really low-level person, too, who just happened to be assigned to a tyrant. Like, the worst one. Javelin was the one where the captain took his own little shuttlecraft away to get back-up, and he's the captain who refuses to go down with his ship, and in fact, allows his ship to be sacrificed in order to allow him to escape. He's the worst.

Liz:  The mirror!Lorca of Romulans.

Anika:  So, of course, she's not -- I think that Nniol's sister probably had mnhei’sahe for her brother, and she would have been happy to join up with Ael and Bloodwing, and I'm really sad that she's dead.

Liz:  I found the TV Tropes page for this subseries of novels. And apparently Nniol's family come back in the later ones, and most of them have cast him -- except for one cousin, who's like, "Yeah, I think you did the right thing. I'm sorry. I love you, bro."

Anika:  Hugs.

Liz:  The later Rihannsu books were published in the early 21st century, and I have to admit that I'm less enthusiastic about reading them.

Anika:  They're not great. I will say, they're not great. I like that Arrhae -- she has to go be a junior politician, like, a junior senator for the Romulan Empire. And they're negotiating with the Federation, or whatever, and she has to go do this, she has to do politics, which I'm totally always into. And she is asked to be a spy. And she's already a spy, as we recall--

Liz:  I was gonna say!

Anika:  --she's a human who's spying on the Romulans, but she--

Liz:  I haven't read The Romulan Way yet, but I remember you telling me about it.

Anika:  [laughing] But she's asked by the Romulans to spy on the humans. So it's great, right? So she's, like, double-spying. And she's spying for the humans, she's spying for the rebels -- they're like the good Romulans. She's spying for the good Romulans and the humans, and she's trying to be a politician. All sorts of people already hate her because she was, like, a housekeeper who became a senator, and they're totally against that because they're super into, you know, pure blood and descent, and you should have 800 houses before you get to be a senator.

Liz:  Right. Nothing like the real world.

Anika:  And so I really like her plot, or the idea of her plot, because she doesn't really get to do much of it -- and she has this little sort-of romance that I'm into, as well, with the rebel. But it goes nowhere, and it becomes this whole treatise on Ael's honour, and -- it stops being about anything, and it starts being, "I'm going to preach about what I think things should be"?

I don't know, there stops being a plot, and it becomes entirely inner monologues. And I'm just, like, I'm over this, we're done, the people I care about are no longer here, so I'm going to move on. And there's no -- if I recall correctly, there are zero Star Trek characters in these books! I do not remember a single -- like, I'm pretty sure the Enterprise is involved in some way, but they're not a part of the plot at all.

Liz:  According to TV Tropes, the series ends with Ael becoming empress of the Romulan Empire, and she and Kirk exchange a kiss before he leaves and they never see each other again. And IN THEORY, I'm really into it, but -- like, I was googling around to see what people said about this series, and the thing that kept coming is, "Is Ael a Mary Sue?" And I'm like, mate, I don't care!

Anika:  [laughs]

Liz:  But I feel like making her empress is maybe a step too far. I love space politics, but I like the stories to be about the people functioning within that system rather than leading it.

Anika:  I think I've read the -- I read the third one, and that's the one where we get Arrhae's plot, and there's stuff happening. And it's, like, a cliffhanger where she -- something happens, and it's bad. And then there's two more books, and nothing happens in them! And they're really long, too, they're like, fourth Harry Potter novel long.

Liz:  Oh my God!

Anika:  And it's, like, I can't with this, I can't. And I don't remember Ael being empress, that's how -- you know how I said that I skim eventually? When they start talking about tentacles, I'm like, I don't need to know this. So my brain just shuts off, I have to try to read at some point, when the plot gets away from me, or I'm not following it. I read very quickly, and sometimes I'll read too quickly, where it's like, I decide that's unimportant--

Liz:  And miss things.

Anika:  --and I just say, that goes away. So, okay, at the end of the third Hunger Games novel, her sister is killed? I had to read that four times before I realised that her sister was killed.

Liz:  [laughs]

Anika:  I could not follow what was going on!

Liz:  No, I have the same problem. I read the Murderbot novel last night, and I really enjoyed it, it was so good, but I kept having to stop and go back because I was inhaling it so fast that I was missing things.

Anika:  So I don't remember them kissing! Are you serious? This has been an OTP of mine since I was nine! What? How is that possible?

Liz:  I'm just going with what TV Tropes says! Maybe it's a lie!

Anika:  No, I'm sure it's right, but all I remember of the last two books is being angry at them. So I completely believe that halfway through the fifth one, I was like, "Nah," and didn't even finish it. Very possible.

Liz:  It's a bit like season 7 of Next Gen, where things happen that you really, really wanted, like Picard and Crusher talk about their relationship? And then the outcome is so disappointing that you're, like, ummmmmm, I dunno. It's the seventh season of [these novels].

Anika:  Yes. But The Romulan Way is always going to be one of my favourite books, ever, in the world, and I really like My Enemy, My Ally.

Liz:  And, at a future time, probably when the international postal system is working again, and I can order a copy -- because I don't really like the ebook versions of the old Star Trek tie-ins, they tend to be really poorly formatted -- I will buy it, and read it, and we can talk about it on this very podcast.

Anika:  Excellent!

Liz:  But what are we talking about next week?

[outro music]

Anika:  Sorry, I had to move over into my --

Liz:  Yeah.

Anika:  Thank you for listening to Antimatter Pod. You can find our show notes at antimatterpod.tumblr.com, including links to our social media and credits for our theme music.

You can also follow us on Twitter at @antimatterpod. Sometimes we post cat pictures, and questions for our audience.

If you like us, leave a review on Apple Podcasts or wherever you consume your podcasts -- the more reviews, the easier it is for new listeners to find us.

And join us in two weeks when we’ll be discussing medicine and medical practitioners in the Star Trek universe.

Liz:  You said you were going to talk about ER, right?

Anika:  Yes.

Liz:  Does this mean that I need to watch some Chicago Hope, so I can talk about that?

Anika:  Yes!

Liz:  Awesome!

Anika:  We can have duelling Chicago hospitals in spaaaaaace!

Liz:  Yay!

#rihannsu #star trek #antimatter pod #podcast transcripts

[willexxmercer]

I was tagged by @dylanobrienisbatman in this super cool ships game!

Hunger Games Ship Asks

Choose 12 ships, without looking, and answer these questions below!

1. Bellamy x Echo (The 100)

2. Katara x Zuko (ATLA)

3. Sansa x Margaery (Game of Thrones)

4. Hook x Emma (OUAT)

5. Amy x Rory (Doctor Who)

6. Fallon x Liam (Dynasty)

7. Rachel x Jesse (Glee)

8. Harry x Draco (Harry Potter)

9. Rey x Ben (Star Wars)

10. Luna x Raven (The 100)

11. Kara x Mon El (Supergirl)

12. Amelia x Link (Grey’s Anatomy)

Tagging: @brillermcintyre @boomheda

These questions are about what you think would happen in a Hunger Games with your chosen 24 characters! This Hunger Games takes place in the arena from the first book!

1. Which ship would be your victor? Would they win together, or would only one win?

I kind of want to say Katara and Zuko, with their life experiences and bending combined.  They both can be ruthless when they need to be, and strategic as well.  Zuko’s good with weapons, too, which gives him an edge.  And when it comes down to it, they’ll either win together or Zuko will sacrifice himself for Katara because it’s the honourable thing to do.

2. How would they win? Kill everyone, or a Peeta/Katniss style trick?

I could see them pulling the Peeta/Katniss trick, honestly.

3. Who would be the mentor for ships 2 and 11?

Well obviously, Iroh is Katara and Zuko’s mentor (and that’s how they win).  Kara and Mon El would probably have J’onn J’onzz.

4. What districts are ships 1 and 5 from?

Bellamy and Echo – Probably District 12, tbh.

Amy and Rory – He’s a nurse and she’s a model.  District 1.

5. What scores would the characters in ships 6 and 8 get in the training?

Fallon and Liam: Fallon would probably get points for cunning and general intelligence but she has no powers and no experience, so maybe she’d scrape up a 2 or 3?  Liam might get a 4, just for sheer physicality, but again, he’s not trained in any weapons

Harry and Draco: Harry’s faced death multiple times and is pretty skilled with magic.  Probably an 8.  Draco, on the other hand.  Draco canonically has the second highest grades in their year, is pretty good at potions so he’d be good at recognizing the different herbs and plants, is also good at magic.  He might scrape a 9?

6. How do the characters in 12 and 9 die? 

Rey and Ben make it pretty far, but Ben ultimately dies protecting her and she gets reckless after that.

Amelia is killed in the bloodbath, since she has no skills with weapons.  Link lasts a bit longer, but ultimately goes down trying to avenge her.

7. Which ship dies first? Can be one character or both!

Definitely Amelia and Link, although Rachel and Jesse wouldn’t be far behind them

8. Which ship would use the tracker jackers as a tool?

I feel like Bellamy and Echo would, and it would be Echo’s idea.

9. Who would ship 7 team up with?

Rachel and Jesse wouldn’t make it long enough TO team up with someone

10. Which ship would get the most sponsors/would be the capital darlings?

Sansa and Margaery FOR SURE. Margaery can work a crowd, and Sansa has that pure innocence about her.  That’s how they last in the field so long, actually, because of the sponsors and because the Capitol wants them around to keep the viewers.

11. What would  happen if 10 and 4 met in the arena?

Luna and Raven with Hook and Emma.  Hm.  I feel like Raven and Emma would hit it off and they’d team up for a while, but Luna wouldn’t be fond of the whole idea of the Games at all, and Hook’s talk of revenge would bother her, and ultimately they’d split but Emma would want to keep tabs on them and make sure that they’re okay.

12.Which ship would be the best at survival skills?

100% Bellamy and Echo, with Katara and Zuko at a close second.  And Luna and Raven of course coming in strong right behind them.

13. Which ship would be the best at killing?

Probably Bellamy and Echo, again?  Fallon might have some grandiose ideas but she doesn’t live long enough to use them, and Zuko’s pretty efficient.  Ben and Rey would be in the running, too, for sure.

14. Which ships would try to go for the cornucopia?

Luna and Raven would probably go for it, very strategically.  Rey and Ben, too.

15. What would ship 3′s weapons of choice be?

Sansa and Margaery have their charm and wit, and Margaery’s surprisingly efficient with a knife.

#tag games

[brendanmoviedate]

Yer fond of me lobster ain’t ye?

Another year, another broken promise that I’d write more often. I’m not going to fool myself going forward and expect I’ll be able to keep up with reviewing every movie I see. However, I’ll continue to write my year-end movie review and perhaps a couple here and there when I feel inspired. 

Looking back to last year’s post, I wouldn’t make too many changes, though I would certainly move Into the Spider-verse slightly higher up. I would also consider adding Upgrade to the list for how brazen it is.

Most of the films I called out as ones to watch for 2019 ended up being either on my list or in the composite image, which goes to show that it’s worth getting excited for new films more often than not.

Vancouver being the way that it is, sometimes we don’t get timely releases of films when other cities do. As a result, I haven’t had a chance to see 1917 and Uncut Gems yet. The latter of which I’ve been dying to see for months and would probably feature on this list. 

Here’s the 10 best films I’ve seen from 2019:

10. John Wick: Chapter 3: Parabellum

Whereas John Wick: Chapter 2 was the perfect escalation of its pared down predecessor, Chapter 3 is merely an excellent continuation of the newly minted franchise. However, while not bringing anything entirely new to the world of John Wick, it is still an intensely entertaining film. The first 20 minutes is some of the best fight choreography in the series to date and enough to secure a spot on this list.

9. Long Day’s Journey into Night

From director Bi Gan, Long Day’s Journey into Night is a noirish drama about a man (Huang Jue) returning to his hometown following the death of his father to track down his lost love (Tang Wei). The film is a slow burn that jumps between past and present before descending into a surreal 60 minute single take shot filmed in 3D. Regretfully, the only screening I could attend was entirely 2D, but nonetheless, the sequence was still enthralling. This is the type of film that proves that spectacle doesn’t necessarily need to be tied to tentpole movies.

8.  Booksmart

Olivia Wilde’s directorial debut suggests she has an effortless understanding of comedy. Written by a quartet of female writers, Booksmart feels like Superbad for a new generation (I can’t believe that film came out 12 years ago). Interestingly, Jonah Hill’s sister, Beanie Feldstein stars, alongside Kaitlyn Dever (daughter of the guy that voiced Barney the Purple Dinosaur). While it would be easy to say it’s “the female Superbad,” Booksmart is in fact much more than that. Replacing the misfits trying to get laid story with one about a pair of overachievers realizing almost too late that there’s more to life than good grades lets the film be looser and allows the comedy to happen more naturally. 

7. Midsommar

Ari Aster’s follow-up to 2018′s Hereditary began filming almost immediately after wrapping post-production on his previous film. As a result, Midsommar has that extra layer of a director exhausting himself by putting everything on the screen. Midsommar is a much more mature work than Hereditary and one that took a while to grow on me. My initial reaction was less enthusiastic than it is now, but it’s one of the films from 2019 that has stuck with me the most. I imagine a second watch or the extended director’s cut might raise my appreciation of it even more. 

Florence Pugh gives a knockout performance that when combined with her roles in Little Women and last year’s Little Drummer Girl prove that she’ll be a star in no time.

6. Knives Out

Rian Johnson’s first post-Star Wars film sees him reinvigorated and working with a bigger name cast than he has in the past. Essentially a whodunnit along the lines of Agatha Christie, Knives Out follows Daniel Craig’s southern-fried detective Benoit Blanc as he investigates the murder of a wealthy publisher (Christopher Plummer). In addition to playing with a few plot twists, Johnson includes a couple of structure twists as well that turn the film on its head. 

In addition to Craig’s hammy performance, other standouts include Ana de Armas and Chris Evans as the publisher’s caregiver and grandson, respectively. 

Johnson has hinted at the possibility of more Benoit Blanc mysteries, and as long as Daniel Craig is onboard, I’ll gladly watch them.

5. The Lighthouse

In Robert Eggers’ followup to The Witch, Willem Dafoe and Robert Pattinson play a pair of lighthouse keepers in isolation. As would be expected, The Lighthouse is a paranoia-fuelled chamber piece, with Dafoe’s gruff experienced lighthouse keeper getting on the nerves of the younger Pattinson. And while this setup allows the two leads a chance to really dig into the 19th century dialects, the film takes the occasional departure into the eldritch for a very unsettling film. 

As with Black Philip in The Witch, there’s a standout animal character in The Lighthouse - fittingly, a seagull.

4. Once Upon a Time ...in Hollywood

Quentin Tarantino’s presumably penultimate film is perhaps his most mature work, ruminating on the idea of legacy and the film industry as a whole. Once Upon a Time ...in Hollywood is almost a Tarantino hangout movie reminiscent of parts of Jackie Brown and Pulp Fiction. A lot of time is spent on scenes that don’t necessarily lead to the film’s climax, but allow the characters room to breathe and feel real. Other than the historical event hinted at throughout the movie, the film doesn’t seem to have a particular direction, which allows you to live in the lives of these characters more than if it was purely plot driven.

The main cast of Leonardo DiCaprio, Brad Pitt, and Margo Robbie is great, but it’s Pitt who puts in a career best performance. There’s a quietness and a sadness to his character that brings some added depth to an otherwise bold cast.

3. Ad Astra

Brad Pitt’s other great performance this year is in James Gray’s Ad Astra. Having seen Gray’s The Lost City of Z and purposefully avoiding trailers and reviews, my expectation for this film was a reflective voyage centred around the ideas of obsession, loss, and family. All of these ideas were present in Ad Astra, but the real surprise was how seamlessly a space opera was added into the story. I never thought I’d see a lunar shuttle chase, but I’m glad I did.

The amount of casual sci-fi world building in the film is staggering, with entire premises treated as banal. We get to see Pitt’s Clifford McBride travel from Earth to the Moon mundanely on a commercial flight. Most films would take the opportunity to spoon feed to the audience why this is odd, but Ad Astra treats it as normal as the characters do, making it all the more fascinating.

2. The Farewell

Starring Awkwafina, who has quickly shot to stardom after featuring in Crazy Rich Asians, The Farewell gives the actress the chance to stretch her dramatic muscles playing Billi, who returns to China to visit with her grandmother who has cancer. Billi’s family insists on keeping the grandmother’s illness a secret from her so she can live out her life in happiness, while Billi struggles with the morals of lying to her grandmother. This premise allows for not only the comedy of misunderstanding, a staple in comedy, but also emotional tension and the devastation of preparing to send off a loved one. 

The comedy-drama balance is handled expertly by director Lulu Wang, making The Farewell the movie I both cried at and laughed at the most this year.

1. Parasite

Had you told me a couple of months ago that my picking Parasite as the best movie of the year could be considered a safe choice, I would have scoffed. Yet here we are, and Parasite has widely been hailed as the best film of the year. I suppose in hindsight it’s not hard to see why. It’s both a crowd-pleasing film and a film that’s deeply disturbing and thrilling.

After having seen Bong Joon-ho’s last five movies, one would be forgiven for expecting a linearity in Parasite. Most of his films tend to have a point A to point B element with an expected (though often subverted) outcome. Heck, Snowpiercer is about a group of people moving from the back of the train to the front, one car at a time. Yet Parasite is different. The film sets up a premise you only find out about as it happens and is quickly overturned once you’re comfortable with it.

I saw this movie the same day I saw Joker and the difference in how the subject matter of class is treated is stark. Whereas Joker wanted to go all dark and Taxi Driver with the theme, Parasite had fun with it and let the elements of drama, comedy, and horror slide along the theme of class.

Like Bong’s Memories of Murder, Parasite will be one of those films I endlessly revisit.

Honourable Mentions

Films that almost cracked the Top 10 that I wanted to shout out here are Us and Doctor Sleep for being really solid, exciting, horror-thrillers. As well as The Irishman for being a classic Scorcese film that gives De Niro and Pacino ample time to with each other. Finally, I wanted to applaud Avengers: Endgame for not only managing to pull off such an ambitious finale, but to make it so goddamned fun.

2020

This year I’m looking forward to new blockbusters from two of my favourite directors, Christoper Nolan and Denis Villeneuve - Tenet and Dune, respectively. 

Despite the stumble with Spectre, I’m extremely excited for Daniel Craig’s last outing as Bond with No Time to Die, by auteur Cary Fukunaga. I can’t wait to see how his style meshes with the Bond template. 

Also of great interest are the new films from David Fincher and Edgar Wright - Mank and Last Night in Soho.

#movies #review #best of 2019

[rotzaprachim]

марсианка (KOS The Martian AU)

This started with me thinking SPACE PIRATE NIKOLAI, and then not wanting to have to google a bunch of Star Wars shit to write that AU, and then remembering Mark Watney Space Pirate, and then writing that convo out, and then this whole mess grew from that one scene, and it’s almost 2000 words. So: Space Pirate Zoya. 

I know nothing about space or space agencies. I apologise so much.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/17714387 - AO3 link

----

He talks to her in Russian, over the coms. English is the main language of communication with Earth; it’s what she leaves her logs in, it’s what she got her climatology doctorate in even if, for the most elemental things, she looks out at the night sky and thinks, כוכב, kochav, before she hears the English. نجم, звезда, those come easily, too. And তারকা, she reminds herself. Najim, zvezda, tārakā. You play such games with your mind to keep from losing your grasp on earth, all the way up here.

Russian, though, it’s what her aunt spoke to her in, after she saved her life, in a tiny flat in a smoggy bloc of Petah Tikvah. The current pulls her home.

“Nazyalenskaya,” he drawls over the fritzy connection system, “I want to kill Rietveld.”

She quirks a smile at that; everyone has wanted to kill Rietveld. She would give a lot to want to kill Rietveld right now.

“I think you can spare him another day. If only for all the Van Halen tapes he left behind. And the ridiculous quantity of Indonesian rap.”

“I’m never going to forget about that.”

“Hmmmm, I’d be careful about talking, considering the number of romance novels I’ve found on the system, downloaded by one N. Lantsov.”

- 

“In the face of oblivion,” she tells the crew of the Терешко́ва, “the only course of action left is to science the shit out of this.”

-

How does it feel to be the dying goddess of your own planet?

Sometimes, that’s what she feels like, when she pulls water from Rocket fuel. No one around to hear her swear.

It may be on Mars, but growing potatoes in a literal field of shit pulls her from that revery, into some kind of ancestral, rain-soaked Russian field.

She wonders, absentmindedly and only half-jokingly, if she’s gonna be here long enough that attempting to distil some vodka for the pain would be worth it.

No. She’ll pull herself out of this on pure spite alone, if she has to. It’s gotten her out of other tough places. She’ll pull herself out of this mess, and above a dust clogged atmosphere to the sky above, and all the way home. She’ll buy a cheap- no, an expensive one, it’s what Earth owes her- an expensive bottle of wine from a corner store and uncork it with her eyes out to the sea and she’ll drink life down to the dregs.

I am not going to die here.

-

Look at the stars she tells herself, and try not to feel the fear.

The first English poem she memorised through to the end. Sarah Williams, the full version, not the one chopped to a fridge-magnet length quote. Reach me down my Tycho Brahe, -- I would know him when we meet. Considering that in its entirety it’s about a scientist comprehending his own imminent mortality, it is perhaps not the best choice of reading material. You may tell the German college that their honour comes too./But they must not waste repentance on the grizzled savant’s fate; Though my soul may set in darkness, it will rise in perfect light; I have loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night.”

She was a girl, once, and she wanted to get away and leave her old life in flames behind her, and she did. She ran and ran and ran, past national borders and past agencies with long acronyms and past the fiery bounds of earth herself. She ran until, quite literally, she could go no further, until she was a woman in a duct-taped house in a place no thing can live, like some kind of mid 21st century Slavic witch.

-

           “Not only am I the best meterologist on earth, I’m the best fucking botanist on this planet. Best surgeon, best cook, best-” she isn’t one to lighten the mood, usually, but what else is there- “best lover.”

-

She points up, through the palm branches of the sukkah’s roof and to the night sky above.

“You can see Mars, right there? See, you can see me. It’s not that far away.”

Lada doesn’t seem convinced.

“You might not come back-”

“You think a few million kilometers is gonna stop me from getting back to my best research partner? Huh. Thought you knew me better than that.”

“A few million?”

“Closer than the nearest bus stop.”

“It’s gonna be years.”

“And so? I’ll expect you to be a proper scientist, when I get back. Or a proper poet, or painter, or chicken farmer.”

“But you’ll come back?”

“There’s nothing that can stop me.”

-

“Nazyalenskaya,” he asks, and in her name is the universe. “How are you?” is not the question to ask a lone crew member stranded literally on Mars. “We got a letter from your family. Gonna patch it through to you.”

“What do you suppose the requirements for building a sukkah on Mars are?”

Not that there’s much of a rule book for this kind of thing, but it’s something she thinks about. Humans, they look at the void and the unlivable planet, and they make it theirs. Genya’s calculations for the direction to face Mecca. The whole crew’s World Cup fervor. The solid week she and Rietveld spent in a subtle face off with the rest of the crew about using the big screen to keep up with Eurovision. The constant, unending, awkwardness of Ghafa and Rietveld, though both were far too professional to act on it.

-

“Red wire to the green and-”

“Lotta fucking duct tape, I know.”

Repairing the rover- that’s a lot of fun. She never really learned how to fix cars, back home. But it gives her something to do, something active, besides staring at potato plants.

She opens another one of her precious rovers for the parts. A weather probe. Says a silent prayer for the death of science.

It’s a long way to Schiaparelli crater. Zoya’s hated road trips for as long as she can remember, both in the environmentalist, fume-hating way, and also in the traffic-hating kind of way. So, she tells herself. Channel that spite into doing what scares you.

-

“Nazyalenskaya,” he says, “I’ve been thinking about the international implications of what you’re trying to do.”

“Mhmm” she says

“First off, I’d like to thank you for being possibly the most diplomatically complicated climatologist alive. Got Roscosmos, ISRO, and the ISA all breathing down my necks.”

“Good. Use it. Play ‘em against each other. This is either the biggest propaganda win or worst failure of their fucking lives.”

“The other thing is law on Mars. There’s an international treaty saying no country can claim anything that’s not on earth. By another treaty, if you’re not in any country’s territory, maritime law applies. So, Mars is international waters.”

Treaties, red tape, diplomatic stuff- that was never her job. Her job was making sure that six other people could breathe in space. Maintaining, linking the systems of the Hab to be survivable.

The storms, though, that was why she was really there. Or at least, that’s what pulled her from earth. The kinds of weather this galaxy had, beyond the limits of earth.

(Once upon a time, Mars had a viable atmosphere. Once upon a time. She looks out at the orange hellscape and wonders: will this be us?)

And then a storm had been her death. She was just biding her time until it happened.

Pessimism. What else was left?

“So?”

“So, Nazyalenskaya, the Hab’s a tripartite effort. ESA, Roscosmos, CNSA. Non-military, but you know as well as I do there’s enough earth-based bitching about who owns it. The second you walk outside, though, you’re in international waters. Soon-”

“No-”

“Soon you’re gonna leave it for the Schiaparelli crater, and you’re gonna commandeer the Ares lV lander. No one on earth gave you explicit permission to do this, and they can’t until you’re back with us on Терешко́ва .”

She realises where this is going. “Fucking hell, Lantsov, not more with the-”

“So you’re going to be taking a craft into international waters without permission, which by definition makes you a pirate. “

Even she cracks a smile.

“DOCTOR ZOYA NAZYALENSKAYA, SPACE PIRATE!”

She can feel the excitement down the line.

“I better get an eye patch at the end of all this.”

“Nothing less for the best meteorologist on the planet.”

“A ship. Commandeered Spanish galleon.”

“Of course.”

“Crate full of gold bullion.”

“I promise you. I think the rest of the crew’s been planning their first meal back on earth for the last year.”

“Shut the fuck up. You’re not the ones living off potatoes and protein bars.” She’d found a few secreted-away bottles of kecap manis and a jar of sambal oelek in Rietveld’s luggage, which- completely against regulations for cargo by weight, but it’s inadvertently the best thing he’s ever done for her. At least when she eats her dwindling space rations, she can burn her fucking tongue off, due to Rietveld’s stubborn Dutch insistance to never listen to any rules, ever. 

“Yes, but. We’ve heard all the drafts of the epic-length poem Yul-Bataar’s written to herald you with on your return.”

“Almost makes me want to die alone on Mars.”

“Hush up. We’ve already had to watch your funeral once. I even wrote a speech.”

“I better get a recording of that when I get back,” she says. “You better have cried. You better have wept over the untimely demise of Earth’s best meteorologist.”

“You better believe it was a speech for the ages. Wait, i can find a draft and read it-”

“Save it. I want to savour my death, after I know I’m gonna live.”

“This is next level Slav gallows humour. How many people get to watch their own funerals?”

Zoya Nazyalenskaya does not giggle, but the thought of all those puffed-up world leaders saying things about her importance, her intelligence, her beauty. (Will men see anything else?)  Shedding a few tears about a brown, Jewish, Russo-Bengali meteorologist who’d they’d barely cared to listen to in her life, but here, dead, she’s the ultimate pawn in their games. . . .

It might make her laugh. Slightly.

           And then she thinks about Aunt Liliyana and Lada sitting shiva for her in that flat in Haifa. The first thing she’d bought with her earnings after the ESA had taken her on was a nicer flat for the two of them, in walking distance to the sea.

“Lantsov,” she says, although it feels like exposing some part of herself she doesn’t want to recognise. “Lantsov, keep talking. Please.”

“Of course. What about?” “The crew’s first meal. Back on earth. What is it?”

“Zenik said red-velvet waffles with, quote, “a fuckton of whipped cream. An entire can of whipped cream.” Andreyev like a good Moldovan says it’s gotta be sarmale, and I swore Rietveld lives off coffee and the destruction of his enemies but I know he’s got a thing for nasi goreng and. . ..”

-

This is a dumbass long-shot solution that will probably get them all killed.

It takes a certain kind of long-shot nihilistic self-destruction to enter the airless murder void in the first place, but this is. ..

“The only thing that might work.”

Bo nods and then glares at him to shut up.

The ship’s got a big whiteboard, and Bo’s hands move almost as fast as his mouth does as he sketches, scribbles, draws, talks. They’ve got a direct, illegal, verboten, unknown, lifesaving link through to the CNSA, and as Kuwei’s the only native Mandarin speaker aboard, he’s the main one doing the talking. He’s a chemist, though, - Ghafa’s the pilot, Zhabin’s the chief navigator, and it’s a controlled frenzy of different langauges and disciplines as the crew hashes out the most wild rescue plan in human history.

“How do we know-”

“He’s the best astrodynamacist alive. Also, my dad, but-”

He, Zhabin, Ghafa and Rietveld all independently run the calculations.

Да, Да, हाँ, Ja.

“Who’s ready to go against the explicit instructions of five space agencies to bring the best space pirate alive back home?”

It was never even a choice.

-

“Zoya,” he says, over the link. “We’ll get you home.”

#zoya nazyalensky #nikolai lantsov #zoyalai #grishaverse #grishaverse modern au #the martian au #the martian #zoyalai fic #my writings #grishaverse fics #gen

[jovialyouthmusic]

Charlotte’s Choice

A Royal Romance AU Fanfic

29 Live Wire

It’s the night before the Coronation, and Charlotte calls for Drake in secret. 

Not suitable for under 18s

@ao719 @agent-bossypants @andy-loves-corgis @sleepwalkingelite @boneandfur @blackcatkita @brightpinkpeppercorn @choicescommunity @darley1101 @drakewalkerrosenberg @debramcg1106 @fluffy-marshmallow-heart @goirishsunshine @gardeningourmet @livingthroughchoices @likethetailofacomet @mrs-nazario @mind-reader1 @ooo-barff-ooo @silviasutton1989 @speedyoperarascalparty @zaffrenotes @missevabean @mrsdrakewalkerblog @cora-nova @missameliep @tanelle83 @endlessly-searching-for-you @jlouise88 @drakenazario @annekebbphotography  @tabithacarlisle @furiousherringoperatortoad @notoriouscs @classylady1234 @wickedgypsymoon @carabeth @choices-fangirl @indiana-jr @indiacater @noey718-blog @katedrakeohd @bobasheebaby

If you can, please give this track a listen while you read xx

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qjgnOP8f5NU

Oh won’t you be my live wire?

Make me feel like I’m set on fire?

Your loving takes me higher and higher

Oh won’t you be my live wire, my live wire?

29 Live Wire

Drake stared at the message on his cellphone and felt a thrill of excitement mixed with dread. It was just one word – come. It had not been long since he had seen her at dinner – less than an hour. They had been at the Palace for two whole days and had only seen each other at mealtimes and passing in the corridor. Tomorrow at the Coronation ceremony she would be announcing her choice of suitor, and although she had promised that it would be him, he was fearful that something might come in their way.

He made his way outside and from there to a little known door in the wall that was hidden by a vine. He looked around to make sure he wasn’t seen and slipped behind the vegetation, opening the door to a narrow passageway. He took his torch out of his pocket and followed it to a steep spiral staircase and another dark narrow passageway. He made his way toward a chink of light and pushed on the panel that pivoted into Charlotte’s bedchamber. The passageway was intended as an escape route in times of danger, but it was also there for the reverse situation – he could go to her in secret, though they hadn’t used it since they were younger.

Charlotte had been shadowed all day by various members of the Royal Guard. She had undergone a medical examination as part of the ancient ritual that ensured the royal bride was untouched for her wedding. Now in her room she had the run of the Palace thanks to the little known secret passages that she and Drake had explored as children. As soon as the panel in the wall swung open, she rushed over and threw her arms around him.

‘At last, I thought that dinner would never end’ she said, her voice muffled as she buried her face in his chest. ‘Drake, there’s something I want to ask you’

‘Of course, you know I’d do anything for you’ He realised he was trembling – he was anxious at what tomorrow might bring.

‘Oh Drake, I have a terrible feeling that something is going to go wrong’ she said, ‘Call it a premonition – I just can’t shake it’ Drake swallowed.

‘Look at me Charlie’ he said, and she slowly turned her face up to his. She was pale and her eyes were puffy ‘I won’t let anything bad happen to you’ She let her breath out in a long sigh.

‘I know you wouldn’t, but how? I just – I’m so afraid Drake’ She laid her cheek on his chest and they took comfort in each other, holding on tight and swaying gently. She sighed after a while.

‘Drake, do you remember the promise you made me?’ She looked up at him, her brown eyes dark with love.

‘Charlie, I’ve made many promises to you, and I’ve always kept them’ he said, ‘Which one did you have in mind?’ His heart was beating fast – she held it in the palm of her hand and everything pivoted on her actions. She pulled herself out of his embrace.

‘You promised that no matter who I chose, you’d be my first’

‘First?’ he was puzzled for a moment, then his face cleared ‘you mean…’ She smiled

‘I had my medical examination earlier today’ she said’ I’ve been officially verified a virgin before the Coronation, so…’ Drake swallowed, and found himself dropping in front of her, his knees unable to support him any longer. She knelt too, taking his hands and squeezing them.

‘When I’m Queen I’ll revoke the chastity clause – so no more examinations. The doctor supplied me with birth control pills and I’ve been taking them already – so we’ll be safe, we can – we can be together properly’  Drake dropped his gaze, and took a deep breath before he drew her hand to his heart and fixed his gaze on her.

‘Charlie, I adore you, I always have, and I’d do anything for you. Are you sure this is what you want to do?’

‘Yes Drake, in case something happens…’ he interrupted her.

‘Nothing will happen, I promise. You’re going to stand in front of everyone, and you’re going to say my name, and we’ll be together. See it in your mind, really see it, and tell yourself everything will be fine’ At last he claimed her, pressing his lips hard against hers, nose squashed to the side, hand gripping her chin. She returned the kiss fervently until they broke for breath. He rested his forehead against hers and gazed into her eyes, feeling her soft breath on his face.

‘I love you Charlie, more than life. I couldn’t bear to see you with anyone else. It tears me up every time you hold someone else’s hand or link arms or smile at them. I want you. I want you all to myself until the day I die.’ he swore.

‘I want to be yours Drake.’ answered Charlotte ‘I want to spend the whole night with you, wake up in the morning next to you – no more hurried assignations scared of being discovered. I want to walk next to you in public, not hide away. We were meant for each other, I just didn’t know it.’

‘I would be honoured to be your first’ breathed Drake ‘But I want it to be perfect. I want us to be somewhere special.’

‘I already thought of it’ She said ‘We can get to Queen Phoebe’s room without being seen. It’s too risky to use this room, we can be heard’ Drake took her hand and kissed it.

‘We need candles’ he smiled

‘Done, they’re waiting to be lit, and the room is warm’

‘How?’ he asked and she smiled

‘Olivia went there before dinner and got everything ready’

‘It may be corny – but how about rose petals?’ She nodded

‘Sprinkled over the bed’

‘Champagne?’

‘I’m intoxicated enough’ she breathed and leaned into him, kissing him softly on the lips. He stroked her cheek gently with the tips of his fingers. There was no hurry, no fear of being discovered as their former meetings at the Palace had been – snatched moments in the stable loft or out in the woods or the gardener’s shed or summerhouse. Even recently  the most public moment they had managed had been in Maxwell’s bedroom while the others partied in the adjoining room. Where they were at that moment was warm, the lighting soft, and he didn’t want to move – but she had prepared the perfect space, and they would finally consummate their relationship properly there.

He stood and offered her his hand to get up. She smiled and he led her to the panel in the wall. He picked up the torch, and they set off along the passageways in silence.

In the excitement and anticipation of their meeting, he hadn’t noticed what she was wearing. Now he became aware that her footfall was soft – she was barefoot, and in the dim light he half turned to look at her. Her dark hair was piled up on top of her head, a few wisps falling over her face, but it was too dim to see what she wore.

They came to the final passageway, and he turned and scooped her off her feet to carry her into Queen Phoebe’s bedchamber. He felt soft silk under his hands, and she gazed trustingly into his eyes. He realised her arms were cold and rough with goosebumps, and swiftly he opened the panel to take her out of the cold stone passage. They moved through into a dim rosy light, the air warm and scented. A table lamp by the bed shed its light around the room, casting shadows of the huge four poster bed. He saw the rose petals scattered over the bed, and candles stood waiting to be lit all around the room. He put her down

‘You’re cold, Princess’ he said gently

‘Not for long, Walker’ she murmured, but he picked up a soft woollen blanket from the bed and put it round her shoulders. He found the lighter and went around lighting the candles and switching off the bedside lamp. She sat on the bed hugging the blanket around her and watched him moving about until finally he was done and stood just looking at her in the candlelight. The heavy curtains were drawn to stop any chink of light letting anyone else know they were there, the door was locked, and they had the night to themselves. Points of light danced around the room, cast by the facets of the crystal chandelier and candles, and the soft light cast warm highlights on the elaborate gilded plasterwork all around the ceiling.

He drank in the sight of her, and she put her hand up to her hair and released it to tumble down around her shoulders. She straightened out her long legs over the edge of the bed, bare feet touching the soft deep carpet and cast off the woollen blanket to reveal what he had not noticed before – a black satin robe tied at the waist with a soft belt. He caught his breath as she stood to untie it, falling open to reveal a scarlet negligee, barely skimming the top of her thighs, the silken material flowing over her soft curves.

He stepped toward her, barely able to believe they were alone, and unsure how to fill the hours that stretched before them. Almost every one of his romantic encounters, with her or with others, had been hurried and urgent. One step at a time, Walker he told himself Don’t rush it. He closed in on her and slid his hands under the gown, the silken negligee still between his hands and her smooth skin. He pulled her closer, her warm body moulding to his as it had many times before. He bent his head to kiss her lips again, slowly and thoroughly, neither soft nor harsh, just a balance between the two. His hands roamed over the small of her back, pulling her to him as he felt the globes of her backside overflowing his palms. He slid his hands under the silken material, groaning as he realised she wore nothing underneath it.

He realised he was wearing his usual garb of t shirt, shirt and jeans, and he pulled back smiling ruefully, unconsciously running his fingers through his hair.

‘I’m sorry that I’m not dressed for the occasion’ he said apologetically, and she looked up at him mischievously.

‘It doesn’t matter, you won’t be wearing anything at all in a very short time’ she grinned, her fingers elegantly unfastening his shirt buttons. He groaned in appreciation and ran his hands over her shoulders to push the robe to fall and pool on the floor and leaned down to rain soft butterfly kisses to her lips. She pulled his shirt out of his waistband and unbuttoned it, her hands dipping under his t shirt and roaming around his back on his bare skin, and he shuddered as she pulled him close.

‘Hey’ he said close to her ear as they embraced ‘I never got to finish the dance routine that day at the racetrack’ She grinned at the memory of Bastien bursting in to discover the two men bare chested and gyrating over herself and Olivia.

‘I thought you didn’t like dancing’ she said drawing back to gaze into his eyes. He smiled coyly, taking a lock of her hair and twisting it round his finger.

‘Brad and Olivia were there’ he said, ‘I’m more than willing to give you a private performance.’ She giggled, biting her lip.

‘Who am I to turn down Drake Walker giving me a private lap dance?’ she smiled. He stepped away from her and slowly shrugged his shirt off his shoulders, turning his back to her and giving her a cocky glance over his shoulder as he dropped it to the floor. He took hold of the neckline on his t shirt and turned, suddenly ripping it off over his head and throwing it onto the floor in front of her. His chest was peppered with dark hair and a trail led down to his groin, pointing like an arrow.

Charlotte turned over onto her stomach on the bed and retrieved his t shirt, gathering it up and inhaling his scent as she had before. She remained on her stomach, resting on her elbows to watch him, knees bent and waving her bare feet in the air girlishly, keeping his t shirt pressed to her nose.

He kicked his shoes off and pushed his hips toward her, swaggering forward and undoing the waistband to his jeans. She ‘ooed’ at the impressive bulge as he slowly unfastened the rest of the buttons only inches from her face. His jeans were not loose, and he carefully peeled them off slowly, bending over from the waist, facing her and keeping his chocolate brown eyes locked on her, then finally kicking them off to the side.

He had peeled his socks off with his jeans and remained only in his boxer shorts, barely containing his impressive erection which threatened to burst out above the waistband. He stood in front of her proudly and took hold of the top of his underpants, running his thumbs around his hips, pulling the fabric away from his skin. He drew it over his straining cock and let it spring free, hard and heavy. Charlotte’s breath caught in her throat and she rolled over and sat up on the bed with her feet on the floor, knees angled inward, looking up at him with dilated pupils. He drew his boxers down to his ankles and stepped out of them.

Drake moved closer to the bed and knelt, straddling her and pressing close so that when he bent his head to kiss her upturned face his erection pressed against her belly. When they stopped for breath, he sat back a little and took the hem of her negligee, slowly pulling it up over her head. She raised her arms to aid him and unflinchingly met his gaze until his eyes roamed over her naked torso.

‘We’ve never been entirely naked before’ she breathed, and it was true. Their hurried assignations meant they removed the minimum number of garments in case they were disturbed. He gazed at her, enraptured. His eyes roamed over her curves slowly, taking in every inch.

‘I’ve only ever felt your breasts before’ he whispered, and tears started to her eyes. He pulled her to him in a tight embrace and rocked her until her breath steadied. ‘You’re perfect’ he whispered in her ear, and she sniffled a little.

‘I’ve got a scar from when I had my appendix out’ she protested.

‘Show me’ he said, and she took his hand and slid it over her belly until he felt the rough line. He pressed her back gently to lie on the bed, and his lips strayed over her chest and down to where she had led him and kissed her scar.

‘It’s perfect because it’s part of you’ he whispered, ‘Every part of you is perfect.’ He slid his hand down over her mound and his fingers delved into her soft wet lips. She pushed her hips up at him and let her thighs fall apart, a low moan escaping her. He pulled out again, confident that she was ready for him but knowing he needed to go slowly, savour every second of her surrender. He leaned over to her, caressing her breast, thumb brushing her nipple. She gazed up at him with dark eyes, her arms thrown up over her head and lying on the pillows.

‘I want you inside me, Drake’ she said softly ‘I don’t want anything between us – nothing at all’ He looked down at her, concerned as she brought her hands to his shoulders, cupping them with her warm palms.

‘Are you sure? You don’t want to take more precautions? The pill isn’t foolproof’

‘Tomorrow I’m going to tell the world I’m yours, and then it won’t matter because I’ll be Queen and we’ll be together’ He swallowed, dizzy with happiness and desire.

‘Here’ he said, ‘I’m going to lie down, and you can straddle me. Then you can take it at your own pace. It will sting for a bit, then it will be fine’ He hoped he was right – he had many partners, but he had never taken a girl’s virginity before, it was something he had read, and others had boasted of. He also didn’t want to hurt her, and if they did it this way she could slow or stop if she needed. He believed she was relaxed and wet enough. She shimmied down the bed, her lips tracing down over his belly to his manhood, taking it in her mouth to moisten and lubricate it ready for her. He groaned and rolled his hips, the warm wetness making him harder that he thought possible.

She sat up and swung her leg over him and he rested his hands on her hips. She bit her lip, concentrating as he guided his tip to her entrance. She held her breath for a moment then eased down a little. He groaned, feeling her warmth start to envelop him. Her hymen had been broken a long time ago, supposedly in a riding accident (that had been a big scare, but she had gotten away with the excuse with the approval of the Royal Doctor), but it was not entirely gone. He had used nothing more than a couple of fingers to probe for her g spot, and she used the vibrators Olivia smuggled in only on her clitoris, occasionally bringing one with her on their rides and giving him a little show. There had been enough left of her hymen to convince the royal doctor that she had never had full penetrative sex – which they had been careful to avoid despite being sorely tempted over the years.

She lowered herself a little more, sighing with delight, and lower still, until they both felt a little tightness. She grimaced and drew back up a little. He gazed up at her, hands still on her hips, hating that she was hurting. She tried again and gave a little whimper.

‘It’s all right Charlie, take your time.’ he urged, hoping she could carry on through it. She drew up, then clenched her jaw, dropping down onto him suddenly so he was entirely inside her, her groin resting against his. She cried out in pain and leant forward over him, but he felt the tightness ease, and a warm wet sensation told him she was probably bleeding a little

‘We can stop if you like’ he said desperately, wishing he could make her feel better. Her face cleared a little and she drew up again

‘It’s ok, it’s just a little – sore’ she explained, and straightened up before settling onto him, groin to groin. ‘But it feels – it feels good’ Drake took hold of her hips and carefully manoeuvred her onto her back. He put his hands either side of her shoulders and gazed down at her naked perfection, his hard length vanishing inside her soft flesh. He drew gently out, studying her expression, spitting on his hand and adding a little more lubrication despite her wetness and slowly eased back in again. Her face was more relaxed now, and he sensed that her walls felt softer and more relaxed too. She had probably tensed up against the pain and was now letting go.

‘That’s it Charlie, relax now my sweet Princess’ he murmured, and she shivered at his pet name. He bent to kiss her neck, holding still and just relishing the sensation of being deep inside her, skin to skin, nothing separating them, their bare flesh pressed together from shoulder to hip, her legs drawn up and thighs resting against his sides, her fingertips tracing shapes on his chest. His hands supported him, keeping his full weight off her, then he switched to his elbows, feeling her soft breasts pillowing his chest. She softened and moved her hips a little, sighing with delight, her hands roaming over his back then settling on his hips. He sensed that it was okay now and started to set up a slow steady shallow rhythm, watching her expression, soft now, her eyes closed. She began to rise up to his thrusts, and he deepened them, angling himself so that his groin pressed onto her clitoris on each stroke. He felt hunger in her movements and he adjusted to her needs. 

Her movements became more pronounced and they started to move as one, rising and falling together, their bodies in synch, together completely for the first time despite having shared many moments of passion. He was no longer leading her, and she was no longer responding – they were as one, seamless and complete, moving toward their shared goal of ecstasy. He could not remember anything like it despite all his conquests. It was pure, it was sublime, it was more than a mechanical process as it had been before. This – this was what it was like to make love, he realised. It transcended every experience he had ever had in his life. Nothing existed but their bodies, nothing but their breath, and heartbeat, and their shared warmth, outside and inside. Outside the room there was nothing – nothing but the endless cosmos.

They moved in unison until the rhythm started to quicken and become erratic, and she writhed beneath him, gasping his name. He snapped back to himself, realising she was close and knowing that he could lose himself in her as she came. He felt her flesh start to pulse around him, softness around hardness as she arched toward him, a soft keening sound escaping her lips. He groaned in response, releasing the pent up passion that he realised had been building for as long as he could remember.

‘Princess – Charlie, my Princess’ he gasped as he erupted into her, surging waves of ecstasy seizing and shaking his whole body, and she clung to him as if she was about to be swept away by her own orgasm, the pulsing of her walls seeming to go on forever. At last they slowed, and subsided, and panted, his arms shaking as he kept his weight from her, withdrawing gently and rolling over to lie beside her, utterly spent and blissfully happy. He turned to the bedside table to retrieve a handful of tissues to clean them up. They lay in a languid heap side by side, and he wondered if he would ever be able to repeat such a transcendent experience. He could hardly move, but he could not bear to be separate from her and rolled toward her to brush her breasts and drape his arm across her hip, his chin resting on her shoulder, watching the falling and rising of her chest.

She lay gazing at the ceiling, the pounding of her heart slowing, breath returning to normal. She felt tears prick her eyes at how perfect their lovemaking had been, so long desired and anticipated. She turned on her side and took his hand and placed it on her cheek to feel the tears of happiness flow.

‘Drake’ she whispered ‘I love you.’ He smiled back at her, eyes shining ‘I didn’t realise – it was like a seed that grew, and I didn’t know what it was like not to love you until I tried to love someone else’ He took her hand and kissed it

‘From the moment I met you – we were so young, and I didn’t know what it was, but I loved you straight away. I wanted you to like me – I called you my friend, and hoped you would love me back, when I realised what love was.’

‘Oh Drake, how blind I was’ the tears changed to tears of sadness ‘All the time we wasted’ He wiped a tear from her cheek with his thumb, gazing into her eyes.

‘No moment with you was ever wasted, Princess’ he replied ‘Even when you didn’t notice me, or when you were with someone else - the only moments that were wasted were when we were apart’

‘You’ll have to call me Queen tomorrow’ she said softly.

‘You’ll always be my sweet Princess, my Charlie’ he murmured.

#charlotte's choice #drake x mc #drake walker #the royal romance #trr fanfic #trr drake #choices the royal romance #choices trr #trr choices #trr

[braddersbangerz]

I’ve seen people saying Thirteen is more fallible and less authoritative and how ‘They don’t feel like she’s The Doctor’ like what does that even mean? The Doctor changes all the time which means they can be anything..

But I digress and will get onto my actual point here. When you read the brief descriptions about the previous Doctors, she comes across very much like Five.

He was also a sensitive and profusely humane incarnation of the Doctor, who did not make himself an imposition, preferring to be honest, reserved, and honourable. However, the Doctor was also less willing to do what he thought was immoral, and became highly conflicted about what choices he could make in a crisis that were truly right. His hesitancy made him seemingly more fallible than many other incarnations, making those around him wonder if he was capable of resolving difficult situations. Nevertheless, he was one of the most overtly fearless incarnations, and frequently found himself right in the thick of battle.

Twelve and Six were very alike in a lot of ways but so is Five and Thirteen. Both are more, well look at the first paragraph of his wiki page

Youthful in mind, manner and appearance, the Fifth Doctor expressed an interest in all things Victorian and Edwardian: cricket, tea, fair play, good manners, and a keen interest in science and exploration.

She is youthful and she has taken the time to make sure her human friends know the danger. She’s well aware that not everyone who travels with them gets to come back (Five watched Adric die, and it only got worst from there. See Tegan, she ran from the TARDIS because ‘It stopped being fun’ and Five, from then on, swore they would be better but people still died, people still lost who they were, and others were forced to change (Cyberbill, Clara)) Five made a promise that he would never allow another one of his companions to die and well we all know how that went.

Also if it came to it and Thirteen and Ryan or Yaz or Graham contracted spectrox toxaemia like Peri did. Thirteen wouldn’t hesitate giving them the antidote like Five did with Peri, sacrificing herself in the process.

Five also travelled with multiple companions. Adric, Tegan, Nyssa, and Turlough at one point. Thirteen has Ryan, Yaz, and Graham (And if Grace didn’t die, we know she would’ve had her as well)

I just get major Five feels from Thirteen.

#Doctor Who #Fifth Doctor #Thirteenth Doctor