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asking-jude · 5 months

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So I just came back from a youth training and we'll. It was intense but I'm so proud of what I accomplished there. The project coordinators were genuinely really helpful. My issue is that I'm in love with one of them

So in love you don't get it it's not a crush

I'm 20 (and I have a boyfriend)

He is 28 and he has a gf

Maybe it's because I low key saw him as a supportive father figure who cared for me that made me fall that badly but idk

We couldn't be together too much of age difference and I don't know him that well. I just am so touched about how sweet he is. I genuinely can't get over him. I wanna be with him but I can't. He is from the same country as me

Do you want free, fast mental health help? Visit askingjude.org.

Hey love,

Thank you for reaching out to Asking Jude. Acknowledging and processing strong emotions can seem overwhelming, but it is great that you have the self-awareness necessary for recognizing your feelings towards this person. I would recommend trying to talk through your emotions with a close friend or family member. Talking to someone with an objective viewpoint on the situation can help you precisely determine what specific thing is drawing you to him. If you do not feel comfortable discussing this topic with anyone, I would recommend journaling, which can also help you better understand your feelings. There are many different ways to journal; you can journal with specific prompts in mind, or you could try a stream-of-consciousness method. The stream-of-consciousness method is particularly effective because you simply write whatever comes to mind, and you don’t have to worry about grammar or sentence structure. There may be a brief period of trial and error before you decide which method works best for you.

Journaling can also help you recognize and work through the stress you are feeling about this situation, which will allow you to make an organized plan for what to do moving forward. As you mentioned, your idea of him as a supportive father figure may be contributing to your intense feelings. Pinpointing what specific thing is drawing you to him and writing out why you think you are having these feelings can help you determine whether or not you genuinely feel love towards him, or if you are just heavily infatuated.

Here is a link that talks more about journaling, its benefits, and how to get started: https://dayoneapp.com/blog/emotional-journaling/.

Next, although it may seem terrifying, I would suggest discussing this issue with your boyfriend, especially if these feelings persist. If you genuinely have feelings for this other person, it would be unfair of you to lie to your boyfriend and continue your relationship with him. Honesty and maintaining open communication is crucial for all relationships, and having a conversation with him will prevent any feelings being hurt later.

Here is an article that discusses some advice for effective communication with your partner: https://alchemy-of-love.com/expert-relationship-advice/how-to-communicate-relationship.

Love and emotions are incredibly confusing, so please remember to be kind to yourself. Striving to understand your feelings and maintaining honesty with your partner will hopefully help you through the situation.

I hope that some of this information was helpful. Please do not hesitate to reach out to Asking Jude again if you have any further questions.

Love,

Jordan Sadan

Ask a question here.

#ask #advice #mental health #love advice #relationship advice #dating advice #lgbtq advice #health advice #life advice

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gingerbravecookie · 1 year

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it sure has been a year: cursor's kind of retrospective (or resume idk) on 2022

happy new years everybody,, or new years eve depending on where you live at the time of reading this

I'll go straight to the point 2022 has been one of the most mixed bag of a year I've had since i have the memory

The start of the year was kinda cool honestly,, the weather in my country was great and i was starting to get new interests,, of course also expecting you know what games near the end of it,, going back to normal class was weird and tiring but i got to make new friends and recconect with old ones i hadn't talked to since the start of the pandemic,, i got to see the coolest fucking movie at the start of april and i loved it,, i had also met kit and joined pocket home and i met good people in there shout out to everyone,, the start of the year seemed pretty good

and then things started going downhill

for starters right at my birthday i started feeling kinda weird,, specially my nose felt funny,, the next day at school i was barely on my feet,, with my entire respiratory system in shambles,, with an awful fatigue and trembling every single moment,, i wanted to go to the nurse's office but i persisted due to having to show a cosplay i worked hard on that same day

long story short the next day arrived and i got positive for covid,, i spent two weeks at home

it didn't help that i missed multiple tests due to quarantine and had to do 5 the same day,, my stress level was on the god damn clouds

in that next month i caught colds and stuff way more easily but hey,, it was june!!! pride month!!! Gay month!!!! also i had finally decided to get into artfight and was ready to make refs for my oc's

Also i had made my very own server and got to meet cool people!!! shout out to kino,, harp and jaz

and then right before winter break started and got time to work on them and the event itself my knee snapped off

yes it did hurt like hell,, i went to the hospital and luckily i didn't need surgery but it was still awful,, i got out of the thing at 3 am and i couldn't even move

I spent the first few days of july on bed,, when i finally was able to barely walk again i got to do a few art fight attacks but then my family from the capital arrived and i couldn't access my laptop for two weeks,, i was pretty bummed out i barely got to do attacks AND that i had to be almost every single day to the doctor in order to heal my leg

also i joined ballcord and then maincord as my cookie run interest started coming back to me

anyways september came along and of course it was independence day for chile,, cool date tbh,, and i decided one of the most drastic meassures i took on my irl image,, i cut my hair

"what's the great deal with that" thing is i've had my hair pretty long and i didn't like cutting it at all,, but as i grew i pretty much realized i was growing out of it and it also became more tiring after it getting tangled everywhere,, best desicion of my life tbh it felt great

I got the funni squid game 3 as well

well i also continued getting sick as a downside of things,, which was weird as fuck since years prior i only got sick at least once a year

my school situation became worse every day,, my grades started lowering and to top that. i started getting bullied. again

i had been on that school since 10 fucking years and they still fucking bullied me,, none of the teachers did shit about it

my mom got an interview at school where they took account of my anger issues and fucking guess what happened there

after years and years of asking i finally got therapy

proper therapy as i had a meeting with one of them before and he just said i was a spoiled child lmao

so news!! I'm pretty much part of the autistic spectrum,, with very minor traits according to my therapist but yeah pretty much that

she's a cool person,, she really helps me and i mean that in a genuine way

my family. well,, they're trying,, our relationship has gone two sides and sometimes made me feel kinda shitty tbh,, anyways back to topic

even if my teacher knew about the bullying it still got worse and worse from heavy verbal abuse to almost physical attacks

the school said they would talk to the bullies and me to get to an agreement and then. never talked to me again

it would all come to a close in early november,, after i snapped in front of the whole class about it

i had a massive panic attack

i had to ask my mom to come get me early and i had to talk to the teachers where it turns out. they talked to the bitches but never to me.

if i had known that then i could have told them so they would actually stop

and then they started twisting the blame onto me for staying quiet when they didn't fucking tell me shit to start

anyways,, my mom decided i wouldn't go to that school again,, i have been home ever since,, we are hoping another school accepts me in the meantime

As of social media well. i have gotten into a few projects i want to really get through,, i still need to do owed art and i apologize for making it so late. i really really do

my first comic project,, a game (RPG maker Is a bitch sometimes btw) and of course my askblogs and au's,, I'll try to get them fully moving in 2023,, i really want for everyone to see what i have to tell storywise

also i hope i stop getting sicker lmao

i guess this Is going nowhere tbh,, kind of a long resume of the shit that happened to me this year and an excuse for why i barely post decent art and ideas here nowdays (sorry),, but hey at least i met cool people

thanks for sticking around Is pretty much what i have to say

2022 has been kind of a bitch,, here's to hoping 2023 Is at least a little bit better

happy new years everyone,, happy to still be here

-cursor

#sonic speaks

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voicesagainstliars · 2 years

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Phantom thieves, for your deeds in the metaverse, good job!

Yuuki: Thank you so much! The ability to fight against people who're trying to do wrong by others... it's everything I could ever dream of! Remember, all of you: You have more inherent worth than you may think.

Haru: We have taken quite a lot of pleasure in dealing with Shadows and Shadow Selves alike. It's been an exhilarating experience! Remember, all of you: You do not have to allow injustice to persist because of others.

Juleka: I'm not afraid to speak my mind as much anymore... I fear doing wrong by others way more now. Remember, all of you: Silence is violence.

Futaba: My story is similar to Juleka's. I've overcome a lot of fear... but when I remember how much everyone's looking out for me, the scary times become a lot less scarier. Remember, all of you: Seek the truth with your own eyes!

Shiho: Guess who can also relate to those two? The hurt people have put me through... it doesn’t go away, but at the same time, the pain that doesn't need to control me forever. I can't let it - I won't let it. Remember, all of you: Things may never be quite the same as they were before... but that isn't the only definition of good. Eventually, you will heal.

Makoto: What justice is has always been a big question in my mind. You may share your understanding of right and wrong with others, but the fact that others agree or disagree with you shouldn't be what dictates whether you fall in line or deviate from them. Remember, all of you: No matter how hard it gets, keep working to achieve justice for yourself and others!

Nathaniel: In spite of my Ice abilities, a lot of the stuff I've seen and heard about regarding our world makes my blood boil. Even so, you have to balance how much to listen to your head with how much you listen to your heart. Remember: We are all inherently equal, and no one person or life should be treated as if it's worth more or less than someone else's.

Yusuke: For about a decade, I averted my eyes from painful truths. The cup of my heart has since runneth over, and the cruelty of many will no longer be allowed to stay intact. Remember, all of you: You need not be unjust or cater to injustice for the sake of others who will continue to sully the good name of our society if left to fester.

Kim: It's gonna be a long, hard time to make a lot of social issues mostly things of the past. We can't eliminate all evils and pains, and we can't eliminate some evils entirely, either. That doesn't mean getting things as good as we can isn't worth fighting for. Remember,, all of you: Don't give up! Keep pushing!

Kagami: It is hard to rebel from those who have power over you. My family is known for its conviction, tenacity and drive... I like to think I inherited that well. Remember, all of you: You have power, even if it seems outweighed by those of others. Others may guide you, but they cannot be allowed to control you.

Ann: There are times when no matter what you do, the best results are out of reach. There are limits to what we can do on our own, but we're never alone. Remember, all of you: Stick with good people who you can help - they'll help you when you need it, too.

Alix: When shitty stuff is happening, feeling shitty is totally natural. It’s how Hawkmoth and Mayura are successful in finding victims... 'course, you gotta know when to keep your cool, when to let it all out, and when to find that perfect middle ground between the two. Remember, all of you: it is never wrong to feel - it’s how we react to those feelings that matters.

Ryuji: Gender, sex, race, ethnicity, sexuality, “neurostatus,” economic status, viewpoints... we’re all going through life with perspectives that’re gonna be both similar to others’ and different, too. And just in the same way, there are tons of things where we gotta be treated equally to each other and ways in which we gotta be treated differently! Remember, all of you: We all work a bit different, but we’re all worth the same.

Nino: A dude or dudette getting hurt is bad, but when you can do something but don’t... that’s even worse. I never actively participated in bullying Mari, but I know I stood by and let it happen; deceived or not, I shouldn’t have let that happen. Remember, all of you: Don’t be a bystander. Silence can lead to violence!

Morgana: Fear is a powerful motivator, perhaps more powerful than any other emotion we can feel. If we let fear of punishment by the corrupt higher-ups for doing the right thing control us, all will definitely be lost... remember, all of you: Have hope, and don’t give up on yourself or others!

Luka: Your heart may grow weak desperate when times are low... don't misconstrue pain for an excuse to act out. Your heart is always trying to lead you in the right direction, and it will only lead you wrong if you disobey or misconstrue its instructions. Remember, all of you: Be good to others, but be good to yourself, too.

Akira: It’s hard, being a leader and a Confidant for all the people I know. Could I give up on them? Yeah, I could... but when I see people suffering, my heart bleeds. It’s what got me into my mess in Tokyo, but I hope one day it’ll get me out of it, too. Remember, all of you: Do the best you can do for others, because that’s what they’ll do for you.

Marinette: As Ladybug, I once thought I couldn’t make any mistakes without everything going horribly wrong. Eliminating that mindset is... a work in progress... but that doesn’t mean a healthier mindset is worth giving up on. I may not be able to do the best, but I will do my best, because that’s what this world deserves. Remember, all of you: Mistakes happen, but you can't wallow in them. Never stop fighting for what's right!

#RYVAL #Persona 5 #Miraculous Ladybug #Persona #Phantom Thieves of Hearts #Team Miraculous #morals #fight #don't give up #you are worthy

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coffeeman777 · 2 years

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Hi Kreg, I’ve been confused about something. I have been feeling extreme loneliness lately (I literally only have my immediate family and one best friend in my life, no one else, and it has been this way for about 7 years). Most days I push feelings of loneliness down to keep them at bay, but they periodically resurface and it gets overwhelming. I see everyone online say that I should be reaching out to God to help me with this, but idk where to start with that. I know He doesn’t want me to feel lonely/depressed so to me it just seems like if I talk to Him about those feelings, He’s on the other end annoyed that I keep letting these feelings persist for weeks at a time. Plus I think if I talk to Him about crippling loneliness, He’s unhappy with me because He is always there so I have no reason to feel lonely. I basically don’t feel comfortable going to God for these things, as it just makes me feel like a failure in His eyes by letting loneliness get to me.

Heya.

First, I want to apologize for letting your ask sit in my inbox for so long. Things have been chaotic on my end since we moved, and likely will continue to be for a few more months. I'm trying to be more consistent with answering my asks. Please forgive me.

About your issue, please know that God will never be annoyed or irritated by you coming to Him with your struggles. We're specifically instructed to run to God with our troubles and give them to Him. He is a patient, loving Father who will not be bothered by you pouring your heart out to Him. He's in your corner, on your side. He will never turn His back to you or look down on you for talking to Him. God is infinitely more understanding and kind than we often give Him credit for.

So, yes, definitely, run to Him in prayer. Tell Him all about how you feel, and do it as often as you need to. He's always listening, and He'll never reject you.

Additionally, you should get involved in your church, if you aren't already. Surround yourself with other Christians. Go to the normal services, and see about getting involved in other events and gatherings. That will go a long way.

I'll keep you in prayer. Be blessed!

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benlaksana · 3 years

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2021

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It's been roughly a year and a half since the start of the Covid-19 pandemic here in Indonesia, and I've recently been trying to understand where I'm at. Not physically, as in physical space, but mentally and probably existentially. What is the state of my mind? I am aware that I've become somewhat bitter, my late nights are sometimes riddled with anxiety for what the next day may bring and reoccurring personal-collective grief has at times, and recently more often than I would like to admit, numbed me.

This may probably be my mind's automatic coping mechanism seeing all this death mainly as a result of how my government has failed us, its citizens, especially during a time of crises. And I really need to stress this point: how my government has failed us Indonesians during the times we need it the most and I very much believe that it is because of this why many of us Indonesians are in constant misery and haunted by that feeling of despair. If chronic physical pain causes constant daily anguish, I am not surprised if chronic physical and mental pain caused by structural violence causes persistent misery as well.

I'm somewhat fortunate in this regard, I'm grateful that I've learned ways to keep my sanity in check. My contemplative practice is key for me. Honestly, I wouldn't have gotten far in life without it. I have many people to thank, but Art Buehler especially, my former professor in esoteric contemplative/meditative practices who reminded me and pointed a certain possible direction of where I should head when I sense a lost in my life's direction, is one those I should thank the most. I know this seems like an individualized response to structural oppression, and I don't intend to paint such a picture, but I do believe we need some kind of mental stability to keep on going. To survive if not thrive.

Art sadly passed away in 2019. I received an email about his passing. And come to think of it I never really did allow myself to properly grieve for his passing. I don't know why. To be told through a short concise email that someone you cared for died, without having the opportunity to properly say goodbye feels like that person never really passed away. It is horrible way to end relationships. A sudden cut, nothing finalized, and since goodbyes are relational, now nothing can really ever be concluded. I have to make amends with myself and only with myself. If I said goodbye yesterday, or if I say goodbye today or perhaps tomorrow, will it ever be enough for me?

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Life is individual yet also relational. It's good to have friends, family, people that care for you or the odd mix of all three to get you through life. So although I have these array of tools to possibly help get me through life but if the people whom you look for some kind direction is no longer present, I'm just not sure for how long I can maintain it if I'm doing all this by myself. Will a breaking point come to me?

The mind is a fickle thing, and the mind is as strong as its habits. Bad habits, bad mind. Good habits, good healthy mind (no habits, no mind?). They also say that things that might happen, will indeed happen. It is just a matter of time. If so, how will I break? To what extent? For how long? What will change? What will I lose? Will there be something renewed? Will I come out the same person? Will I come out changed but for the worst?

This is one of the things that worries me. That certainty of uncertainty. The certainty of breaking, the uncertainty of when and of its form. Will I explode in sudden exasperation, engulfed in madness? Will it be a quick balloon pop yet a slow descend into meaninglessness? An unabashed diatribe rant towards someone I care? Something that's just a twitter post away from me on actually doing it. Will this be an opening, an opportunity for 'satori', a sudden lift of the 'veil', bringing about comprehension and understanding of the true nature of things? Questions, questions, questions, not much when it comes to answers, is all I have for now. To be hopeful is hard these days and with the wavering hope, very much coming and going like waves, it has become incredibly hard to even retain any semblance of kindness. That is something I do not want to actively become a habit of. Without hope, comes the cold embrace of fatalism that many on the 'left' are guilty of. Clutched by fatalism, empathy becomes harder to come by. I've seen it, and I have felt it.

I know that my eroding sense of hope is connected to my personal dreams. Specifically how it has become very hard to actualize it. Rara and I never really planned on staying in Indonesia for long. I was confident enough, a bit too confident come to think of it, that we will be out of Indonesia by 2021 the latest. A mere 2 1/2 years after our last stay in New Zealand. The plan was for me to continue my studies, getting into a Ph.D. program and of course a scholarship. That was our ticket out. Hoping that we'll be back to our old routine in Wellington, in and out the university's library, my head in books, loving our 'flatwhites' while regretting having too much of it, the usual stint doing some university tutoring, community organizing stuff, lazy gardening, out and about on the weekends tramping around Wellington and if Covid did not happen or/and maybe if my government handled things much, much better I think that would've been the case. Or at least I constantly would like to imagine that would be the case.

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Yet here we are still in Indonesia, me struggling to do my Ph.D. through this wretched distant learning, initially in the comfort of my home yet steadily devolving into cabin fever. And Rara with her own struggles trying her best to get back on her feet as an aspiring musician. None of it is going as well as we had hoped for. All this while juggling trying our best to keep ourselves safe and our families and friends safe. Both of us have become direct witnesses how challenging this has been, physically and mentally. Both of us slowly grappling with the continual kick in the gut, the never ending structural absurdity, violently absurd.

That slow grueling realization of how fragile our lives are. Not just existentially. It is existentially precarious yet at the same time understanding that precariousness in many of its aspects is structurally and politically maintained. It is this political construction of precarity, which Isabell Lorey elaborates in her book State of Insecurity: Government of the Precarious, that angers and saddens us the most.

Lorey provides a nuanced approach in unpacking and differentiating this thing called being 'precarious'. The three dimensions of being precarious: precariousness, precarity and then precarization. On precariousness, Lorey draw's on Judith Butler's conceptualization of precariousness which she sees as existential, relational and inevitable. I'll insert my existential philosophy and Buddhist values here, to help me see and more importantly accept the transient nature of life and that impermanence or change is the only constant. Our lives, our bodies are destined to die and wither away. We humans are fragile mortal beings. The loss of life, the loss of one's identity, the loss of everything that makes us, us is unavoidable. It's also a 'relational' thing, as in it is also a shared experience. Everyone will experience it. It is the great equalizer some say.

Then we have precarity. Yes everyone dies, but the process of dying or even the process of grieving someone's death is dependent on what Lorey see as the “effects of different political, social and legal compensations of a general precariousness”. Some die at young age due to starvation, riddled with poverty and disease and have nothing or no one to ease their pain, others die surrounded by family and friends in a well-cared for hospital. Some have days or weeks to grieve, others have to go back to work the next day as she or he have no luxury to stop working even just for a moment and simply grieve. To stop working even for a day draws some closer to the possibility of death for the person or those dependent on the person working. This is the inequality of dying and grieving due to our social hierarchies. How fragile we are, is dependent on those social hierarchies.

And last we have Lorey's third dimension, governmental precarization which is the instrumentalization of insecurity by the government. In other words, the government using the idea and the reality of insecurity as a tool or device to control its citizens. The calculated, deliberate attempt by the government in destabilizing our lives in order for us to be easily governed. Insecurity, be it real or due to perceived constructed fear of insecurity is an effective governing tool. The fear of being labeled "useless and lacking in contribution to the nation-state". The genuine insecurity of not being able to get a job due to the false understanding that it is simply a result of an individual's laziness rather than due to systematic government policies. The deliberate attempt in making our lives constantly insecure, constantly on the edge, without us initially knowing it and when we do come to understand, the blame is on us. It is normalized and it is internalized.

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This is not simply a social issue, it is a deeply existential one as well. We Indonesians have very little to make us feel safe at the moment. Covid and the government's response to it has severely limited our movements and it's not simply physical immobility, but also an existential one, the inability to even have the imagination that our lives are actually "going somewhere", towards a forward direction. Perhaps some sort of minute incremental progress, but progress nonetheless. This imagined mobility is what Ghassan Hage calls as "existential mobility" and this immobility suffered by many of us is what he also calls as "stuckedness".

Turning an often momentary or the ephemeral nature of a crisis into something prolonged and perhaps even permanent is another part of the strategy of governmental precarization. Our lives or jobs are always on the line and again coupled with the sick prevailing idea that we only have ourselves to find the solution. The crisis is permanent, we don't know why but we've been told that way, if we fail to overcome it is because of our personal inabilities thus proliferating and intensifying this sense of stuckedness.

Forcing us to accept whatever solution the government-messiah presents us with in order to relieve us from this suffering. From labour laws that normalizes precariousness even more, to oppressive new laws that limits our desire and ability to dissent, to including who or how our enemies are defined, easily accepting who is to blame for all this insecurity we are all suffering.

Be it the long dead Indonesian communists, the Chinese Indonesians and the racist perception of them being "selfish and greedy", the Indonesian Islamists - the kadruns and their conservatism, the "foreign forces" whomever they may be constantly trying to take over Indonesia, anyone or anything is to blame. Anyone but the Indonesian government and its affluent patrons. Insecurity and the fear that rises from it renders many of us easily governable and compliant.

This governmental precarization and this 'stuckedness', which Hage sees no longer as a possibility that may or may not happen but an "inevitable pathological state which has to be endured" is how Rara and I feel at the moment.

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Rara and I feel our lives are going nowhere. We feel that our lives are stuck, constantly rotating in a hamster wheel trying our best to overcome our precariousness. No progress, no forward movement, no growth, just trying our best to survive from this sustained uncertainty. It's an awful feeling, paving way to existential dread. We are very much looking forward to moving back to New Zealand as soon as possible but with the conditions right now, that is something I can't even dare to imagine.

And although I am grateful that the weave of our privilege with at many times just pure sheer luck has kept us alive and physically well for the time being, we both now realize that we have hit a proverbial concrete wall here. Adding to the already precarious nature of life here in Indonesia, our line of work as a fledgling social science academic and aspiring artist and what Rara and I aspire to do socially, what we aspire to become, easily ends in stagnation if we intend to continue to live our lives in Indonesia. (I want to direct you to Social Science and Power edited by Vedi Hadiz and Daniel Dhakkidae to get the gist of what I'm trying to get at here.)

This is a hard pill to swallow, harder to write and even more so to act upon. I am existentially tied to Indonesia, my family and friends are here, my father is buried here and so will my mother. Memories of the distant past, the colloquial language when shitposting on social media, my mind and body have been shaped by Indonesia in ways I possibly do not even fully realize. This is why I oscillate between guilt towards others and guilt towards the self. I feel guilty for simply having an exit strategy when many others don't, I have the luxury of choice. Yet I also I feel guilty for feeling guilty about this, as it means I am also neglecting the well-being of myself, now and in the future. I need to work on this and find my bearings, being stuck in a guilty limbo won't get me anywhere.

And the future is far from stable, I wonder what is on the other end of surviving this pandemic? There is so much collective grief, collective anger and of course personal anger. All this will amount to something, I'm sure of that. Although I don't know what exactly, I'm not entirely confident this something will be good. John Keane's new book 'The New Despotism' comes into mind.

What do I personally do with all this anger? I’ve noticed how anger, especially when it is on the verge of hatred, morphs itself and easily descends into madness, into aggression and often showing itself, unawaringly to us, when the act of expressing anger happens. Your mind becomes instantly clouded, ending in mindless action. This inability to have control over oneself terrifies me. I already have so very little semblance of control over life in general at the moment, if I truly have no control over myself whatsoever, what then do I have?

And I wonder if it is a waste of time asking these pseudo-intellectual questions? I don't know, yet I do know I live in a society where it hones aggression and hostility, whether it be in physical and digital spaces, and I would like to draw myself away from all this at the moment before I transform myself into something I do not wish to be. Anger I can fully understand, and it is needed and useful. Yet to actively transform it into deep blinding hatred and sustain it daily, is something I feel psychologically destructive for me and I'm trying my best not to go on that path.

I rarely update this blog I know, but this blog has always been used as a personal chronicle of how much I have progressed, digressed or both. And I needed to write all this, because I've never been this least sure of what my life should be like and where it should go. I know I am not alone at this. This pandemic has destroyed the lives of many, our futures, our dreams, our sources of love and I hope that anyone of you reading this finds a way to get through it, doing anything you can do day in, day out.

I'm not sure it if amounts to anything. Maybe it won't, maybe it will, or maybe it has but maybe we just can't see it. All I can personally do for now, is to hold on to these 'maybes', and maybe, just maybe I'll get through this too.

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“Where must we go...

We who wonder this Wasteland

in search of our better selves?”

- The First History Man, George Miller

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mmmleckerlecker · 3 years

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I was reading the questions you've answered, and I'm curious now: you said that the co-existence between preds and prey is very recently. So I was thinking the HP world from years ago, when pred could snatch up whoever prey they wanted... How was the society in that time? How did they live? (Headcanon: prey lived underground?) Did the preds have no qualms in consuming whoever they could find? (prey children/teens or the elderly, for example?)... The harmony was founded by a prey or pred? (1/2)

What was the reason for the preds to make the jump from consuming indiscriminately to the public/private contracted prey? (another headcanon: preykind severely disminishing in numbers?) I find your worldbuilding so enchanting, I'm sorry for the avalanche of questions. You're awesome! (2/2)

AHHHH YES!!! THE QUESTION I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR!!! No need to apologize!!! I have considered making a post about stuff like this for awhile now but I’m always like “do people REALLY wanna hear all that?” But now i have the perfect excuse. Thank you, anon! You’re awesome too!! (WARNING this kinda turned into a chapter length read. So I hope y’all like to read history about fictional worlds.)

Okay so. This is all stuff I’ve sorta kept in my head and have built upon when I’ve had ideas, so sorry if there are some gaps currently haha.

So I imagine preds and prey started trying to “make peace” about five centuries ago but didn’t start living in true “harmony” until about two hundred years ago. And I use the term “harmony” loosely because clearly there’s still a lot of infighting happening. Before that, the preds and prey lived in two entirely separate cultures. The prey lived in larger, more stationary groups while the preds lived in much smaller, more nomadic groups. They also DEFINITELY didn’t speak the same language.

So for preds, the groups they would live in were more like traveling pods that consisted of maybe 1-3 families living/working together. Having groups of preds getting too large was… not sustainable. It would create too much competition for food. So each group would usually give other groups of preds a wide berth. Granted there were definitely still spats for territory, especially if said territory had a good supply of prey available.

Prey, much like in modern times, were never really the preds’ main food source, however. Preds would still hunt and gather like normal. It would usually take some organizing to get a raid together on a prey village (or a pred could just get lucky and stumble across one that wandered off alone). Consuming prey all the time was just too much effort. They weren’t a practical food source nor a completely sustainable one if they were over-predated. Also! Keep in mind, the more a pred consumes, the more their body acclimates to handling such a large meal. It would be better for the preds to consume every once in awhile and have their prey take longer to digest (hence, keeping them fueled longer) than to consume ALL THE TIME and risk addiction. I think consuming would probably become more regular in the cold months too, when it was harder for preds to find other food sources.

As for WHO the preds would consume? Definitely adults would make for the best meals. Children? Well, I imagine prey would be very protective of their children, first of all, making them difficult to obtain. But also they would just make… not as filling meals? Also prey children are mostly the same size as pred children so there might be that little hesitation there on the pred’s end as they’re reminded of their own kind. I guess if the pred is desperate? There’s always gonna be a time and place for special circumstances. As for the elderly… I imagine they also live in places that are harder for preds to get to. I also think if a prey managed to live that long, they would have a trick or two up their sleeve. But like I said, there’s always a possibility for things to happen.

Now for how prey live…. Like I said, they live in larger groups. There is safety in numbers, after all. These groups were basically villages, sometimes even cities where prey could really know their territory and set up defenses against any invading preds. (An underground dwelling is really cool idea tho! I also believe that prey evolved to be able to fold themselves up and be comfortable/feel safe in tight spaces that preds could never reach them in, so prey living in like a cave system might actually work really well!) Like it’s been stated in the story, prey tend to have a lot more children than preds for “just in case.” This could cause their towns to become rather large and populous sometimes.

Prey, also unlike preds, usually tried to keep in contact with neighboring towns/villages/cities. This was one of the key factors for what made it possible for the shift to both sides living in harmony to happen. Since the prey lived in settlements and kept in contact with other prey settlements, it allowed for a certain development of culture as well as the sharing and recording of knowledge that preds… just didn’t have. Prey were able to develop things like farming and running water. They could study math and science and share their knowledge in libraries and schools. They were really on their way to becoming an advanced society, they just had one big (both figurative and literal) problem holding them back. They constantly had preds attacking and killing off their people.

Despite their efforts to fight them off, the prey just weren’t winning. So they decided, if a war against preds wasn’t going to get them anywhere, then why not make peace? The first step for this was the prey learning the preds’ language. This was… dangerous, of course. But it was done enough that the prey were able to open conversation with preds. Just this move alone caused a huge shift between both sides. What are you supposed to do when your food, which for centuries has only babbled nonsense at you before you swallowed it down, suddenly starts speaking to you like an equal? It certainly gave preds pause, but not enough to stop consuming. Not that the prey didn’t expect this. They approached the preds with more than just a common language. Their first big move was offering them food. And not just any food, but GOOD FOOD. Cooked food, decadent food, spiced foods, foods that preds didn’t have the resources (nor the patience) to prepare.

Sharing food took… probably a little more effort than one might expect. Prey and preds view food fundamentally different. To prey, it’s sustenance but also something to enjoy and connect with. To preds, it’s simply something to stop hunger. There was a sort of learning curve for preds to actually learn to ENJOY food for its flavor, but once they got it… OH BOY!!! A door was opened! Because despite LIKING prey food, the preds weren’t always so good at preparing it, so it gave the prey something they could exchange for safety. (This is also something that persists into modern times. Preds are still often stereotyped as not having very refined palates and not being very good at preparing food. This is referenced a little in Heart Pangs itself as well as the one-shot I posted last week!) Once the food trade became established, it opened up relations enough to exchange other things!

The prey shared would they could with the preds in exchange for their own survival. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn’t. Sometimes it SEEMED to work but then the preds turned on them and things went downhill very quickly. But the prey had the advantage of sheer numbers and determination on their side (that and if they didn’t keep pushing they would literally be eaten alive). It took generations of negotiations, but the preds and prey eventually came to a sort of truce, though consuming never stopped entirely.

The preds weren’t stupid, they saw the prey had a lot of good stuff to offer them. At first they took what they needed and went their separate ways, but as they gained more trust from the prey, the preds encroached more and more into their territories until both sides were more or less neighbors. There were some advantages to this. If both sides cooperated enough, they were able to make further advances as civilized societies. But there were also disadvantages… like the fact that the preds were always bigger and the prey were always making sure not to anger them so it became very easy for the preds to take whatever they wanted and leave the prey with less than they deserved.

The prey even began to lose their own language as most of the preds couldn’t be bothered to learn the prey’s language (although a lot of prey terms for food and science stuck around). The preds stopped being the enemy who lived outside the prey’s walls and suddenly became the bully who lived next door. Yes, technically the prey were a little safer than before, but the advantages they once held over the preds were slipping away as the preds claimed more and more of what the prey had until the preds were able to start developing their OWN advantages.

For a long time, the preds and prey operated as two different societies that lived in one space, meaning each group had their own leaders and their own laws. But as things began getting more and more strained between each side (as they tend to do when two natural enemies live side-by-side), the prey (once more) tried to make peace. They made the bold move of reaching out to the pred leaders in an attempt to work together and function as a singular society (although both sides more or less continued to live as two societies, just under the rule of one government). The preds were surprisingly open to this change, which was a relief to the prey… at first. But then it became clear that this was mostly just a power grab for the preds to acquire more status and wealth and power amongst the prey.

Besides the fact that a lot of prey were falling into poverty because of this, the most glaring issue was that the “unification” had made it even easier for a lot of preds to break the peace and consume prey with barely any consequences. This caused a lot of prey to flee and seek out safer, more remote places to live. Eventually it got to the point where the prey leaders threatened to break away from pred society completely. The preds didn’t like this, though, as they’d gotten very used to having prey within easy reach. They also knew that losing half the people in their society would cause a lot of problems in terms of keeping everything running smoothly. However, the preds very much did not want to give up consuming entirely. It was in their nature after all, they argued.

So after A LOT of negotiations, both sides came to a compromise. The preds would actually start enforcing consuming as something illegal UNLESS the prey being consumed had agreed to it beforehand. Obviously the prey leaders couldn’t see any prey ever AGREEING to being consumed, so they settled on the compromise thinking that was the end of it. This was the true beginning of the “harmony” between preds and prey, but of course, the preds always have something up their sleeves.

Rich preds began offering up money and food and shelter to all those desperate prey in poverty. Those prey could get everything they could ever want for, the only payment was their lives ending in said pred’s gut (after a specified amount of time). These ventures started slow, but once they started to catch on, BOY DID THEY CATCH ON. The desperate prey began hearing about certain preds who were practically giving away wealth, all it took was a signature written in (figurative) blood. Meanwhile preds began hearing about other preds who had found a loophole in the consuming law and wanted in on the action. Like any good entrepreneur, the preds turned their contracts into a business and started selling them to other preds.

The prey leaders, of course, despised this, but what could they do? It all aligned with the compromise they had made. The only thing they could do was stand by and help come up with regulations for this new practice. So they did. Over the decades, the contracting businesses grew to what they are today (large corporate monsters… although the smaller, more private contracts still exist) as well as became the core to keeping the peace. Even the government itself offers contracting services now.

Society has shifted considerably in the years since harmony was reached. The two sides have mostly learned to live with each other. Prey have fought viciously to be treated as equals while a lot of preds go their whole lives without consuming (particularly fatally) even once. And, as you know, the development of neutralizers allowed preds to experience consuming without having to hurt anyone. A lot of progress has been made, but a lot of progress still needs to happen.

And I think that pretty much catches us up to the setting of Heart Pangs (whew)! I keep thinking it would be really cool to write a story that takes places in an earlier time period to further explore how different the relations between preds and prey would be, but I have yet to come up with a plot haha. Maybe someday. I’m sure an idea will come to me at a proper time. Anydays, thank you for your interest! It was really nice to be able to (finally) type all this up somewhere!!

#ahhh this is so much info!!!#but i hope some people are interested in it!!#if i accidentally raised more questions than answered them feel free to ask tho 😂#asks #heart pangs #heart pangs worldbuilding

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thejustmaiden · 4 years

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Jaken = Rin's Dad?

Okay, is this how a daughter treats their so-called father?

Most definitely not.

Rin and Jaken's relationship clearly screams of your typical sibling rivalry punctuated with cute and silly moments of playful bickering.

Yes, Jaken may technically be her main provider, but that doesn't necessarily equate to him being more of a father than Sesshomaru. If anything, he demonstrates more of a brotherly love towards her. As we all know, parents (which Sesshomaru embodies more based on real life patterns and parallels) will leave their older more capable children in charge of looking after their younger brothers and sisters. In this case, that would mean making Jaken responsible for watching over Rin and protecting her if need be. Ah-Un offers protection, too. Think of it as Jaken as the big brother and Ah-Un as the family dog who are babysitting while Sesshomaru as the parent of the household is away at work or taking care of business. I mean, they literally fit that description to a tee and I'm dying at the accuracy of it all! 🤣👌

[Quick! Someone write up a modern au where Sesshomaru finally gets out to have a nice date night but everything goes wrong in the most spectacular way. Like maybe Rin and Jaken catch a ride on Ah-Un to go spy!]

I recently revisited some episodes from The Final Act, and I couldn't believe how many moments like this there were where Rin got after Jaken or when she would "put him in his place" so to speak. Obviously, all of it is mostly harmless. I was only surprised by how often it occurred, not to mention how Jaken would just stand there and take it. Towards a supposed father figure, Rin's behavior is downright unacceptable. There's a certain level of respect a child is expected to show their parents/guardians, and that's just not what I'm witnessing here between them. Like at all.

Rather their dynamic has the nature of some sibling relationships like I mentioned above. So I really wish fans would stop pretending otherwise, because based on what we know of father-daughter relationships- healthy ones at least- they don't appear anything like what Jaken and Rin have. If you could please provide me other examples of where we've seen similar portrayals in fiction or in real life, then perhaps I can get on board.

Look, that doesn't have to mean that because Jaken isn't her father then Sesshomaru must be. They can both be her caretakers without necessarily filling that traditional father role. I'm just saying that if we're going to start assigning titles to characters, let's make sure we are accurate and truthful in our assessments. If you're going to label anyone Rin's dad, then it needs to be Sesshomaru. Jaken doesn't have precedence over him in terms of fatherly attributes, that just wouldn't make sense.

After all, this isn't about what you want to see, this is about what Rin very likely sees. It's safe to assume that she views Sesshomaru more like a father than she does Jaken. She knows she's safe with him (broadly speaking lol) and that he'll come for her no matter what. That sense of security and comfort is what a child seeks and what they should always feel in a parent's presence. She trusts and even idolizes him, just as a young and innocent child tends to do with their parents. At that age, parents are perfect and could do no wrong in their child's eyes. Idk about you, but this describes perfectly how Rin is around Sesshomaru.

Rin adores him and will follow him anywhere- yes, even into danger! That's what the innocence and unconditional love of a child will bring them to do if necessary. Fortunately, at the end of The Final Act we learn Sesshomaru takes Kaede's advice when he realizes that leaving Rin with her in the village is in her best interests. That way she'd be able to lead a more normal and safer life alongside other humans. Remember, Sessrin shippers, that doesn't mean he wasn't still a part of her life and didn't witness her become a young woman over the years right before his very eyes. Therefore, if they eventually do become romantically involved, then most if not all of those gifts had intimate and seductive intentions and it essentially constitutes as child grooming.

I understand from a Sessrin shipper's point of view why it'd be so much easier to claim Jaken as the father. In doing so, they diminish Sesshomaru's role in her upbringing. By refusing to acknowledge the real role he had in helping raise Rin (short periods can be crucial and impressionable too esp. in a child's early years so yes they did assist in raising her not only Kaede), these shippers are better able to justify how their filial-like relationship evolved into a romantic one. So yeah, I get it, if I were a Sessrin shipper I'd probably do the same. It's one of the more plausible arguments available to them, after all. "Let's pin Jaken as the father to fend off antis!" is the best chance they've got, but even so, it's still not good enough. But if you insist Jaken is indeed like a father to Rin, then Sesshomaru is most certainly one too. Who says she can't have two fathers anyway?

The thing is however much you want to deny or downplay what Sesshomaru truly means to Rin and vice versa, nothing will ever change or hide the truth of the matter. Please, stop acting like they're only traveling companions and nothing more. Some of y'all even go so far as to say that they're like strangers. Knowing potentially little about a person is not equal to a lack of love and affection. Making big assumptions such as this to defend your ship is actually doing you more harm than good. Let me elaborate.

According to your reasoning, if that's all Rin ever was to him was a companion and Sesshomaru had no real attachment to her, then what precisely is the basis of your ship? Recall that Adult!Rin doesn't exist yet, thus we have no real idea what she will be like or if she's even alive. So how can you make comments like that but then go on later to say "they have such a unique and unbreakable bond" or "only Rin can be the mother because she's the only human he ever cared for" if all that time spent traveling together didn't amount to much in the first place like you claimed to believe beforehand? Do you see how your rationalizing is confusing?

Contrary to what some of you may think, I'm not just saying all this because I'm an anti and I'm obligated to disagree with you, or whatever other excuse you want to tell yourself. Believe it or not, I'm attempting to give as unbiased and objective of an analysis I can based on widely accepted interpretations of family dynamics, development, and any history we know of.

Of course I respect that at times fans will perceive things differently since that's bound to happen. What's hard for me to wrap my head around however is the unwillingness of some fans- not exclusively Sessrin shippers- to apply basic common sense and sound judgment to their observations and deductions.

Looking at all our facts, then taking the small handful of scenes Sesshomaru and Rin do share together into account, one can logically conclude that their dynamic is akin to one found in a typical parent-child relationship. If you still fail to recognize Sesshomaru as a parent to Rin, then that's fine too. In the end, that won't really change the fact that he'd still take on a role resembling an adult figure overseeing a young child's care and protection. Be it as a vassal, guardian, what have you. Plus, nobody is saying here that Sesshomaru doesn't make mistakes regarding Rin's general well-being, but so do all parents. Overall, I think the majority of us agree that Rin is in good hands. Whether it's in his direct company or in his occasional supervision from his frequent visits to the village.

In other words, it doesn't really matter what exact title you assign him in relation to Rin, as the distribution of power is all inherently the same with any and all adult-child relationships. That bond never changes once you've established it either, seeing as it's a special kind of connection one can only form with a child and a child alone.

I was a teacher for a few years, and speaking from personal experience, you don't need to be a parent, per se, to take on a role of authority in a child's life. I know without a doubt that I could never and will never view any of those kids I taught in a sexual/romantic light later down the road; yes, not even once they become grown-ups who are independent and more than capable of making their own decisions. Those of you who disagree are usually missing the whole point though, because we're not trying to dictate what Adult!Rin can and cannot do like many tend to accuse of us doing. This isn't a question of taking away from her autonomy nor does it fall under "purity culture," which is why people shouldn't continue jumping to these outrageous conclusions and really listen for a change. You're deflecting from the real issue here when you choose to misinterpret what we're saying by ignoring the problem we're actually referring to. You cannot present a valid counter-argument if you persist in twisting our words.

Bottom line: once these kids become old enough to pursue a sexual/romantic relationship, of course they have that right if they're ready. All we're trying to say is you guys ought to stop pushing forward this it's-completely-normal-to-want-to-bang-your-adoptive-dad-since-you're-an-adult-and-can-do-as-you-please agenda and not expect backlash. Ship it if you want, but please stop acting like their romance would be the epitome of a pure and healthy relationship.

Sesshomaru may not wear his heart on his sleeve, but it's foolish to presume he didn't actually care about Rin during their whole time together just because he didn't openly express his feelings until the very end. Surely everybody can comprehend that people handle and process their emotions differently. The way Sesshomaru chooses to is completely valid for the most part, so let's cut him some slack regarding this already.

What I'm trying to get at is that any child whose life you played an influential role in will always be a kid in a lot ways to you even when they're old and wrinkly. Just as they will always picture you as the loved one who guided and protected them when they were most vulnerable and couldn't always fend for themselves. Can't we relate this to children we know personally and apply it accordingly?

Finally, I want to end on this note. Could you kindly take a look at these two images below for a second?

The reason I ask is because of something I recently read that's relevant to the topic. There was this pro-sessrin tweet I saw that stated Rin trying to take care of Sesshomaru when they first met is what a mom would do for a child, which in their opinion, translates to Rin being more like a mother than a daughter if anything.

First off: are you freaking kidding me????

Seriously, so now children aren't allowed to tend to their sick or injured parents?! Parents are apparently superhuman and shouldn't be offered a helping hand from a child, even if they mean well and want to help their parent who's in pain?? Now this Twitter user was mostly being a smartass, but at the same time, it was evident they genuinely thought they offered a valid enough point that warranted no further explanation or clarification.

Secondly, by saying this Sessrin fans don't seem to realize that in actuality they're contradicting themselves and proving the point we've been trying to make all along. Glancing at the first picture and moving down to the second, the role of the one being cared for and the caretaker is reversed. So then by their own logic, Sesshomaru IS in fact like a father to Rin.

What it comes down to is the names you give to the roles these characters play aren't as crucial as the dynamic they share. The specific characteristics of that dynamic are what define the importance of said role, not so much the name in the role itself. So real father or not, Sesshomaru and Rin clearly mean a lot to each other. Close relationships are defined and solidified by the devotion and belonging they have to one another, not solely by the duration of time spent together and their proximity.

Well, that's a wrap! I hope you guys got something outta this blog, and that you enjoyed or found some portions of it interesting. I would love to hear your thoughts on the subject from this fandom, but only engage in conversation if you plan to be respectful. Thank you!

#inuyasha #hanyo no yashahime #sesshomaru #rin #jaken #anti sessrin #child grooming #family dynamics #parent child relationship

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blazehedgehog · 3 years

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Do you ever think of yourself as being on the ASD? Up until the past few years (I'm 25 now), I never considered the possibility but as I delved deeper I identified with a lot of common behaviors (obsession, preferring isolation, social issues/anxiety, pickiness) and explained why I found it so difficult to assimilate in high school.

I’ve occasionally wondered, but there are a lot of things that kind of go against the grain of that kind of diagnosis. The few symptoms I exhibit of ASD also overlap with something that’s far more likely, and that’s that I probably have ADHD.

I had two or three teachers growing up try to convince my Mom that I had ADHD and that I needed to be medicated for it. My Mom refused to believe them, because back in the early 90′s, the traditional definition of ADHD included hyperactivity, and I was not a classically hyperactive kid. The image of ADD kids back then was being unable to sit still, unable to stop acting out. ADD kids were loud and grabby and uncontrollable, which I definitely was not.

We understand a lot more about the condition now and even though you should never self-diagnose, I’m 99% sure I have ADHD. My inability to focus on one singular hobby (hi, I’m an artist, game developer, sound engineer, youtuber, streamer, and writer), my extremely selective and poor memory, my inability to switch tracks and get motivated on something else after my mind is already set, my utter impatience for certain things, etc.

My isolation and social issues can be explained simply by my depression more than ASD, I think. I’ve talked about this before but I fell apart in high school. Things happened to me in middle school; I had bullies that acted like my friends, they did some deeply horrible things to me, and it completely destroyed my ability to trust anyone for decades. To some degree, it still persists to this very day. It just... wrecked me, in a way that’s hard to describe, and harder to even comprehend. I stopped showering. I stopped brushing my teeth. I just gave up on taking care of myself. I’ve blocked most of the memories out because of trauma coping mechanisms; I only know some of these things because other people have told me they happened. It really was that bad.

I had a really bad stretch of like, five years, from around 13 years old to 17 or 18, maybe even 19. I did eventually get away from those bullies in high school, but the combination of self-loathing they left me with combined with my ADHD and the mounting anxiety problems I was developing meant I coasted through an entire semester of algebra class absorbing absolutely nothing and I got a failing grade. Friends (new ones) dared me to skip one class with them for fun, and I figured “Well I’m doing bad in algebra anyway, so yeah, I’ll skip with you and go to the bowling alley.”

And that started the snowball. I became unmoored from the routine of school, which can be a big problem when you have ADHD. Skipping algebra every now and then became always skipping algebra. Then I started skipping gym too, because getting undressed in front of the other kids in the locker room was an introvert nightmare. Skipping two classes turned in to skipping three. Then four. Then all classes. Who cares, right? I couldn’t muster up the interest, especially when I realized I had no idea what the current lesson plan was anymore.

My girlfriend dumped me. The school waited until the start of my senior year to pull me aside and inform me that it was impossible for me to graduate under any circumstances (the first and only sign of disapproval they had shown me in three and a half years). My internet friends were yelling at me. I lost touch with my real-life friends. I had massive, gigantic, reality-ending panic attacks that left me too paralyzed to leave my room even to go to the bathroom. I teetered on the edge of having a nervous breakdown. I lost over 100lbs, leaving me nothing more than skin and bones. The mountain of stress I was feeling was taking a toll on my health.

I shut down. Closed myself off to the outside world. Ryan did not exist anymore. And for something like a decade, that’s how I lived. My only human contact was with immediate family (when they could drag me out in to the sunlight against my will) and with a core group of shrinking internet friends. The few that did not lose respect for me, anyway.

That does things to you. The parts of your brain that knew how to socialize atrophy and you forget how to hold a conversation. When I was still going to school, my cousin and I told each other we should become therapists, because we were excellent at listening to people and being mediators. We could fix anyone’s problems. Now, those skills died inside of me. I went from being able to make anyone feel better to constantly sticking my foot in my mouth. Being a nuisance, even when I wasn’t trying to be. I lost all sense of what was appropriate to say, or how to convey my feelings. Or convey anything outside of a keyboard, really. I made a lot of people angry and upset totally by accident, or pushed them away without realizing what I was even doing.

And all of these bad habits fed in to each other like an endless loop. It was a slippery slope that steeply went down, and down, and down. The more isolated I became, the more I wanted to isolate even more. The shame and embarrassment for who I was becoming kept getting stronger. I was caught in a spiral.

I was getting close enough that I could see where the bottom of the barrel was. I call myself introverted, but I’m also the guy who, completely of his own volition, downloaded the Shoutcast Server software in September of 2000 and hosted an all-night live internet radio broadcast. Alone. I was livestreaming myself playing video games for the internet four years before Twitch.tv was even invented. Whenever it came time to read aloud in class, I was always one of the best, clearest students, never needing to sound out words or pause for anything. Nowadays I'd never say I was anything but an introvert, but deep down there’s also been a voice inside of me dying to get out, and at some point I woke up and realized I could be better. I just need less fear and more confidence.

The person you see writing this blog today is the result of finally starting to become aware of what I was doing to myself, and forcibly dragging myself back out in to the world, inch by inch. I don’t think it’s going very well, but at least I’m still making an effort. I fell apart in to many small pieces, and they’re taking a long time to reassemble. I finally graduated high school about five years ago. (I re-read that post a few months ago and started crying.) As you may pick up on from the differences between that post and this one, I’m still learning a lot about myself and what’s wrong with me. The picture is always becoming clearer by the day.

But knowing the problem means you can find the solution, right? That’s what you’re doing, too. It’s a slow process, but I continue the fight to heal the damage I’ve done to myself.

Anyway, sorry for getting so randomly heavy and spilling my guts out like this. I appreciate people looking out for me like this. And who knows, maybe I am on the spectrum after all. Just because I have my own theories doesn't mean they're necessarily right.

#questions #heavy #personal #Anonymous #public therapy

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mental-health-advice · 3 years

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Hey.

For a while I feel like my friendship with this person has become inherently codependent.

I didn't realise how much I needed to be needed by him until recently. I put a lot of my self worth on him and in the process put him above everything else. And I felt justified because he was going through a tough time. And I don't want to judge him, but he isn't exactly the best person. He can be extremely cruel to other people and selfish. But I never questioned anything he did because I wanted him to like me. I didn't neglect any other things like school and stuff. I kept on top of it, but most of my free time was taken up for him, having conversations that I really didn't want to and I enjoyed myself most of the time but sometimes I felt like I outgrew his company. I made up versions of him in my head that were so much better than real life. This was aggravated because we were all in lockdown and I couldn't meet other people. I've only ever known him through phone calls for a while and the two months we actually met in in person school were spent with him feuding against my other friends in his quest for power. I always found it impossible to pick a side in these situations, because the others were right but I wanted to please him too. I was incapable of refusing anything he said. I always had to hide away a part of me because I was afraid he wouldn't like me then. And he could be very controlling too. He thought he was above everyone and the school director kind of favoured him too, so he had a lot of plans for a very unsafe event. But then schools shut down again and he became really depressed and was suicidal and tried to pin everything on me at one point, just because I respected my mother's words. I tried to be there for him, and this went on for four months. I agreed to everything he said because it was easier than fighting with him. Now stuff hit rock bottom and the director has shut him out and told him to just get back to academics. Schools are opening this week and now he's really scared again.

I don't know what to say when he tells me his life sucks and that he doesn't want it. He's out of the extreme phase now and he expects everything to be handed to him without working hard for anything.

I knew he was someone who didn't care about other people and took joy in the sorrow of others but I always excused his behaviour. When things got too bad I stepped aside.

But apart from all of this, I always craved for him to call me. My happiness depended on his. I needed him to talk to me. And me only. I got insanely jealous and beat myself up inside. I worried so much about him but he didn't seem to care about me at all. When I tried to talk about my feeling it resulted in us fighting continuously, with him saying I didn't deserve him. I never needed him to respect me or my boundaries because I knew he was incapable of caring about someone else and that it wouldn't be worth my time. But now I can't take him just using me anymore. At first I just thought that I had feelings for him which caused my jealousy, but then he came out to me, but these still seem to persist. I just need him to come to me for any problem that he has, but that took a hit today, when I couldn't deal with him at all. I've read up codependent friendships and I think that's what is really going on in my head. I don't like him romantically I think, I'm just really insecure.

I don't want to be that person anymore. He doesn't respect my boundaries, my family or my interests. I'm not allowed to have an opinion because anything that he doesn't agree shouldn't be said in his presence. I feel like I'm stuck in the same place and unable to truly be myself. We are so different and my beliefs directly contradict his but I've never been able to express them to him. And he calls himself my best friend. Our other best friend, is kinda in between. She regularly argues with him and demands respect, but he doesn't even consider it. But when he has a problem we have to drop everything for him. And he accuses me of not trusting him. And he tells me not to say things that make him angry rudely but he doesn't do the same for me when I tell him calmly that I don't want to talk about something. He's really condescending too, and acts as of nothing matters but him. And because of the lack of going out, he was the only solace I have.

Despite this I still deeply care about him. This morning he was groaning continuously, and I told him that everyone had problems, he completely turned on me and said that I didn't get to say anything because my life was fine and that his was way more difficult. He acts as if he knows everything about me and assumes that I will be fine no matter how hard his words are. And he's kinda right, because I always come back to him. This same person told me a few minutes ago that everyone one in our grade was fine and that nothing was wrong and that someone should die, so that their life sucks. So he'll be fine if someone died and if they shut the school and the state, so that he doesn't have to deal with the consequences of his actions. He even has the nerve to whine about how he doesn't deserve any small hardship that comes his way. But life's hard and he doesn't seem to realise that there is life after your senior year in high school. He seems to think that this is all that matters. We're just sixteen and he acts like this is all we ever have. I don't know how to help him. He says he has a bad home life, but I don't know how that excuses him being a horrible human being to others for no reason. And he is privileged. I tell him to work hard this year, and next year in college he can do what he wants. But he says he wants the life of a film star without lifting a finger.

I feel like it's my responsibility to fix his issues, but he's the only one who can. I can't help someone who isn't willing to help themselves.

Moreover he doesn't even care about anything that other people are going through stuff too. And he called me selfish for implying that the world doesn't revolve around him. I've always tried to be there for him, and I still want to, but I don't think it's good for both of us. We're toxic to each other. Sometimes I wish his problems were magically fixed so that we could go back to being normal friends instead of the complete wreckage we both are.

He says no one understands hima s if he was accusing me of not caring enough about him. But I felt like I hit a breaking point and that I couldn't just nod my head anymore. I'm human being with issues of my own but he doesn't give a damn.

I can't even talk to him normally, I have to thread around eggshells to keep him happy, but I'm never happy with him. He says I don't act enthusiastic to his ideas. I hate his ideas but I'm always nice about it. I don't shut him down. I hope he gets the things he wants even if they aren't to my liking. And today he calls me boring and attacks me for not liking marvel. I mean come on can't I even have an opinion on a movie? I said I liked a ship in it ( it was a comfort ship that helped me escape) and he said I didn't have a right to have an opinion because I hadn't watched all the movies. Fandom is something that gives me joy and keeps me grounded and today he attacked something that I thought no one could. My imagination. My ability to create worlds in my head. The worst part, we met because we were both Harry Potter fans. And now he doesn't even feel like that. I helped him edit and write his debut novel. I feel like that person who believed in something is gone. He even admitted to just using me for my knowledge in the beginning.

I still feel sorry for him though. I'm really sorry if I've rambled on for too long. This has become more about him that it has about me.

I still really like him and feel that we can be friends if he starts to try to help himself and if I get rid of my insecurity and jealousy when he talks to other people. My brain is illogical. I don't want to have to deal with all of his issues all the time with no regard for myself, but I don't want him to confide in some else either.

I hate this person that I've become. Who cares about no one but him. I tried to use his issues as a shield against the problems going on in my own life. I try not to let anyone see that I don't have my life together either, because I feel bad about bothering others with my issues, when they have a million struggles of their own, but isn't that what he's doing to me? He disregards my feelings but I'm still very much obsessed with him.

I've lost my sense of self respect completely, and I pushed away other people for him.

I need to stop being codependent on him, and start at least liking myself.

Please help me. I'm sorry if this is too long. I seriously needed to get this off my chest.

And I apologise if I bothered you with my silly problems. I know there are more important things in the world but I seem stuck here. I don't want to appear ungrateful for anything so I pretend that everything is fine. And honestly I feel like I can never be not okay with a wonderful mother like mine. Oh and he hates her too. I just can't seem to win with him. My dad though is a whole nother issue.

This guy gets on my nerves, but I still need him to be happy too. But I shouldn't have to carry that burden. Right?

Hey there,

Due to your Ask being so long, we kindly ask you to resend your Ask and try to keep to our new 700 word limit if at all possible. Long Asks are very difficult for us to answer as there is just way too much information for us to take into account which means that often the Ask will be in our inbox for a lot longer as we don’t always have the capacity to answer them.

We hope that you understand and we are sorry for the inconvenience!

I hope that you are going well!

Take care,

Lauren

#mha-lauren #advice #advice blog #mental health advice #anonymous #resend Ask #new 700 word limit

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surprise-suprise · 3 years

Text

Feb 17

I know I was a day late to post this! But I was so distraughted and I cannot get myself to post the day recap!

The day began with internet cutoff and restore at 9:00AM. The best news of the day was that there were mass car breakdown in the middle of the road in the early morning across Yangon. This was a tactic to make the government employees who did not participate in CDM late for work. This was brilliant but it had some risks. The police took the picture of the car model and license plates and threatening them that they will punish them by not giving them license renewal. But most persisted this threat. In some places, the crane truck was called out to haul these cars but in one place, the crane truck arrive to the scene and driver tell the police that "Sir, I'm so sorry to tell you that my crane truck is out of petroleum". (I don't care if it's true or not but that drive get my respect)

Some of the places were also doing this kind of protesting like Nay Pyi Taw and Muse (the chinese border). In Nay Pyi Taw, the police beat the drivers and confiscated the cars. (I couldn't find the police beating the civilian videos but I saw the live footage of the drivers demanding to give them back the car but they did not get them back). People across the nation, particularly those live in Yangon, demand the military junta to give back the internet and if not they would do the random car breakdown protest in social media posts.

More people participated in February 17 peaceful protests across the country. I believe that the protests in 17th had the highest participation than other days. Apparently, MRTV (national TV) announced that 40 millions people welcome the coup the day before. The people showed where they stand by showing up at the protests. This protest had been called country-wide general protest.

During the day, the news of more than 10 journalists and staffs resigned from Myanmar Times (One of the major media outlets). The main reason is that many local journals and media outlets protest the military junta by not going to the press conference on 16th Feb but the owner of Myanmar Times forced the journalist stationed in Nay Pyi Taw to attend the event.

The bad news kept rolling in when the night was near. The arrest warrant was issued to many actors, actresses, directors and social influencers who actively participate in the protests.

The most frustrating and heartbreaking news of the day is that there were shooting and using tear-gas at train station in Mandalay. Even the sound of gunshots from video footages made me shudder.

The incident started when people heard that the staffs were threatened by the police and military to operate the train and one of the high ranking staff was taken at gun point to operate. As soon as the people in the neighborhood heard it and gathered around the station to give back the people they had taken. There had been people protesting in front of that station till the night but we thought they already disband due to curfew. Due to the news report, most people disbanded but some remain to negotiate the release of those detainees and the police started shooting with guns and tear-gas. There were also people living near the train track and most of them are illegal settlers. Their houses are made of bamboo walls instead of solid walls. When I stumbled upon a live stream of a woman inside one of that house, I could feel her fear, pain and suffering. The voice got tremble as the time went on, she was explaining where her house is and the situation. The most moving things was that she was worried about the protesters instead of her family. When some people run inside of her home, she gave shelter but as soon as the police were about to arrive their home, she told them to run. On one footage, we could see that police use all kind of weapons: tear-gas, guns, shields, slingshots and even rocks. The ambulance with volunteers arrived as soon as they heard but they are also injured by the police forces.

After that in my town, the fire brokeout. Although it is far from my home, I can see the flames reddening and filled the sky with smokes. It was a relief that the fire was in a garbage disposal area and far from the houses. But the fire didn't die off even 4:00 in the morning.

I know that we must go on but we are getting tired. We are devastated. We are sleepless.

The terror must not continue till the next generation! We will keep resisting!

Photo credit to original posts

#save democracy #say no to dictatorship #police brutality #peaceful protests

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musicallisto · 4 years

Note

Hey hope you're doing good! Could I get a Harry Potter (marauders and golden era) ship please? I’m a (straight) 5’7 girl, ENTP, Slytherin and studying English literature, I want to be a writer! I have curly, blonde, shoulder length hair with hazel eyes. I’m very social and can talk to pretty much anyone, and hate being alone. I'm quite hedonistic and stand up for what I believe in, as well as my friends! I love standing out in my fashion, I usually wear long floral dresses, flares, blazers :))

I Ship You With...

Sirius Black (Marauders era)

I imagine that at first, and in some twist of irony of life, Regulus would be the one to have a crush on you, not Sirius. You’re in his school year, in his house, he sees you practically in every class, and you’re so gracious and confident, starting up conversations with everyone like it’s the easiest thing in the world. Every time he gets home, the habitual silence in the Black centuries-old manor is Regulus talking about your prowesses with stars in his eyes. It’s not like Sirius talks much with him, but he’s bound to hear it as some point, and your portrait piques his interest. You don’t sound like such a terrible Slytherin. In fact, you sound like an tringuing person... someone he inevitably grows to love, just through his brother’s eyes.

He resolves to woo you, whatever the cost. But he’s seen how much of a loser James is when he’s trying to court Lily, so he obviously won’t go down that route. He’s much more gentle, much less pushy, even if he’s still sure of his charm. He’s Sirius Black, after all. He won’t get cocky with you - he’s too afraid that could drive you away -, but he’s sure you’re bound to give in someday.

And giving in you do, but it takes much longer than Sirius had anticipated. It’s a cat and mouse game that plays out where you’re both too proud to admit you lost, but can feel yourselves slowly slipping in the pits of your doom: you’re both crashing into each other, and it hits you at the most random times. When he first sees you in a new dress, long flowy around your ankles, the cut perfectly complimenting your body, the warm flowers echoing your radiant smile, he’s taken aback for a second, and he realizes that he loves you so much that any other girl in that dress wouldn’t even catch his attention. And when he’s concentrating on studying for an upcoming DADA test, for the first time something that genuinely interests him, you notice how unsuspectingly cute he is when he gets totally immersed in something he loves. You can’t help wishing he would give you that much care. When you’re unashamedly, carelessly being yourselves, it’s hard for the other to keep the self-assured facade. So you give in, at the same time, in a parallel urge, meeting the other halfway.

He often tells you how you should’ve been a Gryffindor. You know it’s a running joke from the way his eyes crinkle when he says that and readies his fingers for a tickle match, but you can’t help wondering if he means that. If he sees a little bit of himself in you as well, a little bit of what he could have been. You just answer that you’re not a Gryffindor, not because the hat said you weren’t, but because you feel in your bones that you are a Slytherin, and that you choose every day to be a Slytherin. A true Slytherin, not like the perversion that runs along your classmates. If anything, it helps Sirius see that some arbitrary verdict given by a decrepit hat can never be a basis for his worth, or for anyone’s, for that matter.

You never knew about Regulus’s passing crush on you, but once you learn, you make sure he’s not bitter about the whole ordeal. Not that you would want to have dinner at the Blacks regularly, but you don’t want things to be awkward between the two of you. He’s not bitter, actually. He tried his hardest, really, but he can’t. He loves his brother too much, much more than he thought he loved you romantically, and he respects and appreciates you too much to lose himself to some disillusion.

Sirius Black (GT era)

Your life shattered in a single night. One second Sirius was playing the piano in the room next to yours, a calm yet somber melody, and the other he was gone through the door. He had heard before you did, he had stormed off before you did, blinded before you were. You knew instantly where he had gone. To Godric’s Hollow, destroyed already by some harmful hope that anything, anything at all could remain of his best friends, of his godson. You waited for him for one entire night. You had to find out the worst way possible - in the newspaper, brought at the first lights of dawn by a distracted owl. “Mass murder. Criminal. Sirius Black. Azkaban.”

No matter how much you tried to, some part of you couldn’t bring itself to move on, to think about anything other than your love in a cell for a crime you were certain he didn’t commit. When you became a writer in the following years, between pamphlets and poems dedicated to spread your message of persistence and rebellion - the Death Eaters are still out, the threat is still here, the Order of the Phoenix will not stand down -, your words would sometimes take the shape of a defense speech, a plea for your lover and his unjust case. You called on everyone who had known him to testify on his behalf. You pleaded the Ministry to issue a second trial, a fair trial, to use Veritaserum, to get him out of here.

Naturally, in such times, it was hard enough being a known Slytherin writer, let alone vouch in favor of a convicted criminal. The Black family were rotten to the core and had always been; it was no surprise that one of them would turn into a murderer, and anyone who associated with the likes of them were equally as rotten. And yet, you didn’t lose hope. One day, Sirius and you would be reunited. You were sure of it.

The first time you saw him, twelve years later, you were working on your next novel in the quiet of your bedroom, after receiving a check-up visit from Remus, the only one who had always, deep down, refused to believe the tale. A rustling in the leaves outside your front door caught your attention. Thinking it was a wounded animal, maybe a raccoon, you unlocked your door and took a few tentative steps outside. In the pitch black night, you could distinguish, clear as day, a familiar black dog. You held back a sob - you had been deceived so many times. But when he turned back, and he embraced you for long minutes, so emaciated and disheveled, you couldn’t doubt anymore, and you let your tears flow.

The Order gets a breath of fresh air in its lungs when Sirius is back. You were two of its most prominent members, so his return and his innocence are a victory worth celebrating. A party is held with all of your friends at 12, Square Grimmaurd, where he’s in hiding now. As usual, you are both the life of the party. Twelve years in Azkaban couldn’t tear the wings of two social butterflies. But Sirius still saves a moment for you and only you, stepping out in the backyard, under a million stars, and extends a hand to you. “We have many dances to catch up on,” he smiles michievously, although you notice a glint of nostalgia in his eyes.

You slow dance under the stars all night long, your heart resting on his. A thousand hours could not make up for all you missed in that time, but it’s a great start.

(I hope you don’t mind that I paired you with the same character in both eras, but because I saw you with Sirius so well and also I love him, and because he’s a character in both eras, I thought I would make this the continuation of the first part.)

#ships #ship #matchup #harry potter #marauders era #sirius black #sirius black x reader #mywriting

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prxttypxrker · 5 years

Text

[secrets: part seven]

[part] one two three four five six

[tags] @falling-stars-never-cry @sarai-ibn-la-ahad @hphmincorrectquotes

You had family over.. you had family over? The only person you ever mentioned was your older sister, whom you lived with, and the late parents you lost at a young age. There were family friends and your sister's boyfriend, sure, but never any other actual blood relatives. The text you sent sat uneasy with him. While he was happy you weren't ignoring him for as long as he expected, the confusion of who you could've meant was tenfold. Does he ask you at school tomorrow? Or does he just bypass his curiosity and let it slide?

Peter flipped over on his bed, staring at the phone sitting between the pages of his chemistry textbook. He'd been debating calling or not—considering you did say you had family over and couldn't meet with him. However.. maybe you could do a phone call? Or a text. Texting sounded better. You wouldn't be able to hear his very unnecessary desperation to figure you out just for tonight.

He threw his head down and groaned into his pillow. If he didn't have a crush on you he wouldn't have been as persistent. And it was overwhelming. He didn't recall any moments he felt like this when he liked Liz last year; not even when he found out her dad was Vulture and had to fight him. That was crazy, but it didn't meld his mind as much as this did. He didn't even think he could like someone this much after that whole experience. “Hey.” He turned his head enough to see his Aunt May leaning against the doorway. “Are you going to call her?”

He sat up immediately, turning his screen off and shutting the book he was reading just to help you on the project. “What? Call who? I don't know who you're talking about.”

She stared at her nephew for what felt like eternity before giving him a small smile and shaking her head. “I won't ask what it's about, but if it has to do with a certain superhero swinging around the neighborhood—well—I’m sure she'll understand once you have a real talk with her. I know she wouldn't want to jeopardize your friendship either.”

He didn't say anything—he couldn't, really. There were moments he forgot his aunt discovered that he was Spider-Man, so whenever she discreetly brought up the other side of his double life he was taken aback. Although this time, he was more than glad she had a sixth sense about what went on in his life. He cleared his throat and nodded his head slowly. “Yeah.. yeah, I'll make sure I talk to her. Thanks, Aunt May.” She gave him another smile and turned to head back into the kitchen. He immediately opened up the book and turned his phone back on.

While he was trying to decide whether calling was a good idea, you were sitting at a dinner table with your sister Katrina, her boyfriend, and pretty much the only person your parents were extremely close with. Everyone was engaged in lively conversation while you could barely get a word in. It all made sense, but for some reason you still couldn't wrap your head around the fact that your crush was also the one who prevented what would have been a tragic event in your life. A part of you preferred he was just making new friends that would replace you guys in the future. At least then you could cope and talk it out without having second thoughts. This was a whole other situation. Peter was an actual hero, not the regular, run-of-the-mill kid who takes city crimes into his own hands. He was skilled and friendly and as selfless as anyone with powers could be. Not to mention he worked with Iron Man; you remembered seeing that ship 'incident’ on the news the year before. As well as photos and videos people would post online of the two of them taking on bigger jobs together. It was amazing and impressive, but something still bothered you.

“Y/N.” You looked up from the phone sitting next to your plate, sending it to its black screen before acknowledging your sister. “What’s up?”

“Nothing. Just some stuff about homework.” It didn't seem like she believed it, but she only shrugged and continued on with the conversation with her boyfriend. They didn't give it a second thought, but the other guest clearly did. You watched him glance between yourself and the device, raising his eyebrows. Was the conflict really that obvious? Could he see that you were struggling with a friendship? Or were your mixed feelings with the current situation making their way into your eyes? “Um,” you cleared your throat and stood from your seat, “I'm gonna go work on that project Miss Simms gave me.”

After saying an early goodnight to the other three in the room, you made your way down the hall toward your bedroom. You closed the door and breathed out a large sigh, throwing yourself on the bed. You laid on your back so you could see the ceiling; see the space where you had half of the pictures of you, your friends and family stuck with tape and staring straight at you. It felt weird to have photos up at first, but over time you would look at them each time you just needed someone and they couldn't physically be there. Mostly during your moments of sulking or frustration, in which you hated bringing down the moods of others so you would look at the smiling faces above you to keep you sane. You hoped they would still help with something as big as this.

You sighed and rolled over onto your stomach, deciding that if you weren't going to talk to him yet, you might as well actually work on that project. While you started doing the worksheets there was a light knock from the other side of the door. “Come in.”

“Hey, misfit.”

At the sound of the all too familiar voice you put everything in your hands down and sat up, giving the man your full attention. “You haven't called me that for a while.”

“Now that's because you haven't caused any trouble in a while.” You rolled your eyes, smiling up at him as he gave you one in return. “So what's up? Why have you been ignoring me?”

“I haven't.”

“You're a terrible liar... definitely got that trait from your dad.”

You frowned and he gestured toward the open spot on your bed, waiting for you to nod so he could sit down. There was a silence that hung in the air as the two of you sat there, both looking around different pieces of your room. It was a silence you always hated when it was between you and him. You much preferred the weird, fatherly or innovative talks that would happen whenever you'd see him. After your dad passed away with your mom, he was the only one that was able to tell when something was bothering you or if you were lying about anything. So after another minute or so of quiet, you spoke up. “Why didn't you tell me?”

He sighed, letting the question sink in on both ends. He then adjusted his position so he could look at you properly. “It wasn't my place to tell you that. It’s his responsibility to decide when to say who he was to any of you. I've just been there as the... moral support, you could say.”

You snorted, “Snarky Tony Stark as moral support? That I would like to see.”

The billionaire raised an eyebrow and grinned at you, seeing that his said snarkiness had been rubbing off on you more and more. His gaze found its way to the object with the screen displaying your contact list. There were times he forgot how much you grew since that tragic day, but seeing the extent of what you'd been going through the past few months helped him see that you had more than just normal, teenage issues. You had a knowing crush on a boy who went around saving pedestrians and putting his own life at risk once in a while. All while having a father figure who had an arc reactor in his chest, flew around in an iron, red and gold suit saving New York from aliens with other heroes, was part of Earth's best defenders, and had a mind so big only those truly intelligent could fully understand him. “Talk to the kid. He goes through a lot. He could use someone like you on his side.”

Without waiting for a response he pulled himself up from the sitting position and made for the doorway. You bit your lip when he took a step out. You didn't want the chance to say it slip by, so just as he was halfway down the small hallway, you let out a small shout. “Thank you, Uncle Tony!”

With his rare modesty in check after your miniscule burst, you went back to the materials laid across the mattress. Your eyes combed over everything, stopping at the name that both frustrated you and sent waves of butterflies in your belly every time you heard it.

Neither of you were aware the other knew about having a crush on one another; these types of instances almost never happened, especially during high school. It was a decision of part temporary confidence, part consideration, and part nobody wanting to lose a friendship out of this. You were both unsure for different reasons, but at the end of the night feelings were only an excuse. In your beds, you each took a deep breath and pressed the name on your phones.

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ts1989fanatic · 5 years

Text

MARY ELIZABETH WILLIAMS

JUNE 20, 2019 7:00PM (UTC)

I'm not saying that Taylor Swift is the Beatles. But is she? Let's look at the facts: Both the Fab Four and Swift went from youthful mega fame to durable adult success; both managed to balance being wildly popular with staying gleefully provocative; both turned their flings, feuds and phases into lucrative musical output. But where Taylor really snatches that bowl cut wig is in the way she's leaned in to fandom's obsessive belief that our idols communicate their truly enlightened followers on a whole other level. Goo goo g'joob!

For as long as humans have been churning out creative works, they've been inserting hidden messages into them. Wake up, sheeple, it's called allegory. And along with the poetic, "It works on two levels" flourishes, we've also been adding "Did you see what I did there?" ones. Illuminated manuscripts are riddled with marginalia seemingly drawn for the sole purpose of entertaining the artist and the rare rando who'd notice it. You can find similar little winks throughout classic architecture, if you know where to look. But symbolism is a two-way street, with artists inserting enigmatic clues into their works and audiences free to interpret said works in their own, sometimes entirely different ways. Enter John, Paul, George, Ringo and Taylor. One of the most gloriously bonkerballs conspiracy theories of all times began, of course, with a disavowal of a conspiracy theory. While history is a murky thing, the first rumblings appear to started in 1967, with a fanzine called "The Beatles Monthly Book" with tamping a "FALSE RUMOUR" from January that "that Paul McCartney had been killed in a car crash on the M1. But, of course, there was absolutely no truth in it at all." Two years later, a Drake University newspaper piece discussed the now bubbling rumors of Paul's demise and replacement with a lookalike — and the alleged secret messages on The White Album to prove it. Soon after, Detroit disc jockey Russ Gibb fielded a phone call from a listener about the rumors. Gibb, with a keen ear for ratings bait, took the story and ran with it, and his show became an early landing page for theories and clues.

It didn't take long for a trove of "evidence" to emerge, from John's alleged "I buried Paul" on "Strawberry Fields (he later insisted he was saying "cranberry sauce") to the "funeral procession" cover of Abbey Road, with its cryptic "28IF" license plate on a nearby VW. The entirety of "I Am the Walrus" was cited as an account of Paul's death and its concealment. The fact that the conspiracy theory was able to get this big and this elaborate so quickly is truly a testament to resourcefulness and persistence of a pre-Internet rabbit hole generation. Well done, boomers.

Why the biggest band in the world would engage in a coverup and then confess about it in cryptic song lyrics album art is beyond me; I assume everyone was on psychedelics at the time. McCartney soon had to issue a public declaration of his continued existence, even appearing with his family on the cover of Life magazine with the headline "Paul is still with us." Now it's 50 years later and he still hasn't convinced everybody.

Taylor Swift may never have had to contend with an elaborate hoax theory about her existence, but she has cheerfully declared herself dead — or at least buried the "old Taylor." She's also, increasingly, loaded her work with more Easter eggs than a White House lawn in the springtime. Because it gets attention — bigger than Jesus-level attention.

If there are lizard people, Taylor Swift is DEFINITELY their queen. She famously works her lucky number, 13, into both her music and videos whenever possible. After her 2016 feud with the Kardashian-Wests blew up and social media embraced the serpent as Swift's patronus, she fully took it on, loading snake imagery into her videos as if to say, yes world, here I am, in my full reptile form. But then, the snake morphed into a butterfly because that is how biology works in Swiftland, keep up. Earlier this year, Swift made a mural of a butterfly appear in Nashville as "the best surprise clue" regarding her new song, commending fans for their "FBI level detective skills" in figuring out that the butterfly was Taylor.

Over the past few years, Swift has gone from directly naming songs after her exes to being a person whose videos are now accompanied by lengthy explainers of all the secret messages and symbolism. And your family said you'd never find a use for that art history degree. Popsugar recently found 28 hidden clues in her "Me!" video, which is only eleven fewer than an entire Rick Riordan series. And her latest, the hot take generator "You Need to Calm Down," is so dense with celebrity cameos and numbers and tricky secrets that I do, in fact, need to calm down, because somewhere in all of this there are the coordinates to where the aliens are hidden.

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