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lapseinart · 7 months

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And God saw the light, that it was good

FYI I’m not a practicing Catholic (Schrödinger’s Catholic) (I’m agnostic unless my parents ask) and I speedran my First Communion + First Confession + Confirmation so I’m basing this off 6 years of Religous Ed. crammed into 6 months and 15 minutes of googling Christianity in Japan. Yee

Okimura Rin is a dutiful Christian.

Mostly.

Some of the time.

Okay, so not really, but he definitely goes to Sunday mass more often than Yukio and he always helps out around the monastery and he goes to confession once a month, so, really, between him and Yuki, he’s definitely the more dutiful Christian.

Yeah, sure, sometimes he struggles with the theological virtues and the cardinal ones, and if he thinks about the fruits of the Holy Spirit, he isn’t exactly great at patience, gentleness, or self-control… but he tries his best, and he’s pretty sure God appreciates it anyway. Because He is all loving. All forgiving.

It’s hard to think about God when his demonic heritage is revealed. He’s the son of Satan. The offspring of evil incarnate. Why would God let him exist? How could he be anything but damned?

It’s Monday. Rin is alone.

The worse thoughts always come to haunt him when it’s quiet. They prey on him when he’s alone, without any friends to distract him. Not that he has any friends anymore after he revealed Satan’s flames. How could anyone accept something so stupid, so useless, when they were going to Hell either way? Why the hell did he bother?

He needs to get out.

He scribbles a hasty note in case Yukio comes home while he’s gone (not fucking likely he’s never home he hates you-) grabs his keys and wallet and goes wandering around the campus.

Somehow, he walks for what feels like hours but may have only been a few minutes before he finds himself outside a small church. He’s never seen it before, tucked into the little alley like it is. It’s open for confessions.

Rin walks in.

“It’s been…” he wracks his brain as he tries to make himself comfortable in the confessional, “six months since my last confession.” It felt like so much more.

“I haven’t been going to services,” he starts and it’s like he can’t stop. “I’ve fought with my brother more often than usual. I harmed one of my teachers during a training session. My dad died because of me. I… found out I was the son of an evil man,” he explains inadequately. “I’m damned. For these and all my sins, I am heartily sorry.”

The priest is silent for a moment.

“It sounds like you’ve been going through a lot,” he says gently.

“Yeah,” Rin croaks, and it’s only just not a sob.

“How did your father die?”

“He… he was protecting me,” Rin says softly, “from… my biological father.”

“Then I think that he wouldn’t be happy with you stewing in guilt,” the priest says. “Just because your father is evil doesn’t mean that you are evil.”

“But I’m like him!” Rin says, desperately. “I-I-I hurt people!”

“Do you want to do it?” the priest says calmly. “Do you want to hurt people?”

“No,” Rin whispers.

“You are a child of God,” the priest proclaims. “You renounce sin and seek to do good. There is no penance for being the son of a bad man. Try to attend Mass more often. Your penance is three Hail Marys and two Our Fathers. You may now say your Act of Contrition.”

Rin walks out of the church feeling lighter than he has before, like a burden has been taken from him, the reassurance that he can be good if he chooses to be. He feels… different, lighter, after getting it all out of his chest, even if it was inadequately explained to a stranger in a confessional booth. It’s different to have to convince the whole world that he isn’t his father then it is to have someone else tell him he isn’t evil.

You are a Child of God.

Rin takes solace in those words. They’re right. They have to be.

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vokriid · 2 years

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okay I lost a follower so I think the ex-Mormon is gone so it should be safe now but anyway, to elaborate on my incoherent post that TES lore is super Mormon but specifically MK's TES lore is super Mormon:

- easy comparisons like Azura cursing the Dunmer with black skin and the curse of Ham (a now-generally rejected doctrine that was present across Christianity, Judaism, and Islam as a whole but like, really, really present in Mormonism until the 1970s). and the Redguards sure do have Lore.

- 'godhead' which is, again, by itself innocuous enough to not be specifically Mormon, although the Mormons use it with way more frequency than anyone else

- the elven religions that believe they're the descendants of the gods and that mortality/material world is a trap and a mistake by itself is actually pretty Gnostic, but then you throw in that the Enlightened Humans believe mortality/material existence is a blessing and Good Actually and it starts to look a lot like Nicene Christian ideas of Original Sin/the fall of man vs the idea of felix culpa which, again, while not exclusively Mormon, is still very much intertwined with the history and doctrine of Mormonism. also the Altmer have Catholic/Calvinist Guilt which is honestly just fucking funny.

- TES's wildly anti-indigenous lore is, yet again, obviously not something that originates exclusively from historical Mormonism but it sure is an especially prominent thing in Mormon history

- and like most of this is particular to MK's lore? by itself I'm not against his idea of open canon by itself but it does remind me of continuous revelation which is. Yet again. Strongly influential in Mormonism.

- like dude???? HELLO????

- and then there's the whole tribunal, c0da and CHIM shit which makes waaaaay more sense when put next to exaltation as a comparison. and maybe specifically Adam-God doctrine? Less sure about that bc you cannot make me read c0da but in any case the Adam-God doctrine, like the curse of Ham, is currently rejected by the mainstream LDS church (and, unlike the curse of Ham, seems to have been controversial since its beginning) but very much a part of the religion's history.

anyway suffice to say that each of these alone wouldn't mean anything but when put together and wrapped under the little 'godhead' bow, I think MK has some.... Fascinating Ideas TM. though I can't tell if he's sincere, a fundie, or has a fetish for what he considers 'exotic.'

#leaving this untagged as a courtesy #i hate having to read mk's shit pls don't ask me to do that again

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oskarwing · 3 years

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I really wanna talk about the parent child relationships in Midnight Mass

I’m not sure if I’m good at writing this sorta Meta but here goes nothing. Very many spoilers follow.

Let’s start with the adults:

First we have Erin who suffered so much at the hands of her mother and later because of her mother’s abuse. We don’t get much detailed info on Peggy Greene but from what we can gather she was a lot like Beverly Keane, who seemed to idolize her (though that probably got easier for her after Peggy was gone), in her self-righteous over-pious manner. She just happened to be Beverly with an alcohol problem and a daughter who she could take all her anger at life for not working out her way for God loving her just the same as everybody else out. The dove scene is really such a good scene. But Erin was stronger than her mother, stronger than the abuse that was about to repeat itself and when she found out that she would have a child of her own she left and tried her best to give her kid a better life than the one she had. And she found the strength I think with the help of the same God her mother most likely used as legitimation for her abuse (don’t get me wrong I believe it was Erin’s own strength but she also clearly found something in religion that helped her gather it) and it helped her to carve out a path for herself and her unborn child.

Sarah’s relationship to her parents is such an interesting one because we get to see the end of it. The man who she believed to be her father has been dead for a long while and her mother is suffering through the late stages of dementia. And Sarah showed up for it. As a doctor she most likely knew what would be happening as soon as Mildred started to show the first symptombs but she wasn’t going to leave her mother. That kind of care for an elderly parent shows something that is proven in Mildred’s character time and time again: She is a very devoted parent and the love between mother and daughter flows both ways in every scene they are in together, after the birth of her daughter her world turned around Sarah and she loved her with all she had. There are a few scenes that show that Mildred’s understanding of the duty she felt towards her family came from the old values of her time. She wouldn’t have taken off with John and their child not for a lack of love but because in those times, in catholism still at least where I’m from, you can’t just marry a priest. You can’t just have a child with a priest eventhough you’re married and then fuck off with him. As a woman, as a wife and mother you have to stand with your husband, stand with your child and you have to stop running after fantasies I’m sure Mildred had. I’m saying this all from her perspective btw, I don’t necessarily think running away with John, in the way he wished to, would have been good for Sarah but honesty might have been and her old fashioned values were also what kept her from being truly honest with her daughter. To John on the other hand Sarah is a fantasy, a dream he couldn’t reach. His daughter, his baby, so close and yet so far away getting to watch her grow into an adult but never being able to really be her father as in her Dad instead of her priest. And it’s painful to him, he clearly loved Mildred, loved Sarah but he was also kinda selfish in his love that in the end took Sarah away. At first he isolated his child by starring at her giving her the creeps and the feeling that she had done something wrong that he knew she was gay and dissaproved and then he took it upon himself to ‘cure’ Mildred in the same way he was. Sarah wanted to take care of her mother wanted to be there for her in those final months and John decided it was up to him to give Mildred a youth potion to make it so she’d never die. And with that he took away from Sarah what is without doubt a hard but for many people a very important last part of the relationship between child and parent. John was a complicated man and would maybe have been a great Dad he certainly showed a lot of fatherly love for his altar boys but he couldn’t have the family in the way he fantasized about and in the end it was that fantasy that made him act the way he did.

Riley Flynn causes his parents a lot of pain. Him killing that girl in the beginning, his alcoholism, him simply not liking the place, the home they build for themselves through hard work causes the Annie and Ed so much pain and financial loss and you can see how tired they are, how much guilt they feel for failing their son. Ed calls out his own guilt and says that he doesn’t belive it could be Annie’s fault because ‘your mother’s a saint’ but what I truly love about Annie and Ed Flynn is that they both aren’t saints. As a mother Annie is very much overprotective and suffocating, wanting to keep her children on crocket island and hating the notion that they might leave her, even though she is kind and sweet and loving. And while Ed seems rather checked out as a father but he is the more honest parent, never talking down to Riley and telling him as it is, telling him about the pain he caused him while also admitting to the guilt he feels. The Flynns are flawed people even in their religious practice (I think the way Annie speaks about Ali showing up at church when Hassan seemed to be nothing but nice to her spoke very loudly to the fact that Annie is rather misguided sometimes) but they are good people at the core of it and their parenting might have been part of Riley’s way into alcoholism but it wasn’t only them. There were things they couldn’t change and things they had no influence over like his heart being broken by Erin running away, the sort of people he went out on parties with and so many other things... Yes, they may have shaped their son in a way that made him vulnerable to addiction and the party scene of the stock and tech market and brought him to the point where he killed a child but it doesn’t happen through parenting alone and they also shaped him in the good ways. Him not losing himself when Pruitt changes him, him being brave enough to warn Erin, him standing up for what he believes in those things were also shaped by Ed and Annie. They are one of the best example of flawed but good hearted Christians I have seen in recent media and their portrayal was one of the most heartbreaking ones.

Now the kids:

Let’s start with Leeza. Little Leeza Scarborough who before it comes to her wonder gets treated with pity and overprotectiveness from her parents and the island community at large. Leeza was injured by Joe Collie transforming him into the island’s villain and her into the ever present victim. What happened to her is without a doubt horrible and I understand why Wade and Dolly started to become these overprotective parents, why they were so easily sucked in to John’s and Bev’s scheme. Their little girl was almost taken from them eventhough Wade is the mayor, one of the most powerful people on the island he had no influence over what happened to Leeza even was the one who took her out that day and what followed the accident was as we can gather from their conversation with Sarah a lot of pain and financial burden though they say they would have done it all over for Leeza. In fact a lot of places in crockett island are wheelchair accesible and I am sure that Wade as mayor made it so (I can’t really imagine that a small place like the island was very inclusive though I may be wrong). After Leeza is healed they don’t want to question in don’t want to think about what might have been the cause for it. In fact they stop questioning anything after that point, after Leeza walks again they are completely vulnerable to Bev’s manipulation and them letting that happen, them just going along with everything, Wade protecting John after he kills Joe long after Leeza forgave him and with her forgiveness send Joe on a better path is what in the end makes them lose her. Because Leeza isn’t that little victim who needs pity and help, she is a strong minded, strong willed young woman with a lot of wit who similar to Erin finds strength in her faith but in a way that isn’t devotion without question and when the Easter vigil is held she doesn’t follow her parents eventhough she loves them deeply. She forgives them I think, because that’s what Leeza’s character is about in it’s core but her parents were two of the instigators behind what happened on the island, without Wade’s protection John and Bev couldn’t have come as far as they did and they put their trust in them because they loved their daughter so much they didn’t stop to question if maybe what made Leeza walk again was also a bad thing.

Ali and Hassan don’t have it easy and I as a white person really can’t speak much on the racism and religious discrimination they face. I can say this I think: The first line spoken about Ali before we even really get to look at him is “You didn’t invite Aladin” and already sets us up for what both of them know: They are the outsiders. Not only because they just moved to the island but also because in their faith they are different from their peers and religion can often be a community building event for people before it is anything else. Ali starts balming his father a little for that, for not trying to fit in more with the community, for moving after his mother’s death and then not trying to be closer to the people around them and for the pain all the pain the two of them went through before Crockett island. It isn’t oly peer pressure though of course that brings Ali to St Patrick’s. Sure, Ali wanted to be part of the community but also desperately wanted to believe that there was a devine power who could if he just did it (it meaning faith) the right way he might find a way to avoid the pain of his parents. Hassan knew that and he warned him that that wasn’t how it worked. Hassan was a protective Dad and maybe he overdid it from time to time but his worries were never without reason, his need to keep his son safe from a world that hated him for a crime that happened when he wasn’t even born yet never unfounded and him wanting to make sure his kid kept the memory of his mother alive never anything but the wish of a griefing man and loving father. In the end when they pray together there is peace in them. They face their ends with the dignity Ali’s mother would have wished for and they face it as father and son. While Beverly the true religious terrorist of the story burns away without it.

Warren is the youngest Flynn and it is never directly stated yet omnipresent that his coming of age happens in the shadow of his older brother’s mistake. Annie warns him away from drinking when he goes out he in fact doesn’t drink. He never drinks because of what his brother did. Warren would have been 12 when Riley killed that girl and so he would have seen and felt what his brother’s actions did to his parents fully without being yet old enough to maybe see the nuance. Annie and Ed probably try to right the wrong they believe to have done in parenting Riley with Warren and that’s a lot for a kid. I do think it’s pretty usual that parents of multiple children especially when there’s a larger age gap try to do better with the younger children, but that isn’t fair is it? Warren is his own person not a second chance to do it over. And yet seemingly he does what is asked of him. He’s alter boy, he’s charming and helpful and sweet, he doesn’t drink (even when he does smoke pot) and he helps his father where he can with his work. But in the end he feels guilty because he thinks he wasn’t enough and says at that last dinner he would have been different if he had known he wouldn’t see his family again. But Leeza is right they know and they love him and Warren deserved to not be perfect all the time.

Littlefoot saved Erin and Erin payed her back with all the love she had. She was never born but she gave her mother the strength and willpower to leave. In her speech to Joe Leeza said he reached through time and took things from her she didn’t even know she had yet.When Erin left her husband she reached through time and saved Littlefoot from a childhood like hers and when John gave Erin the angel’s vampire’s blood he reached through time and took away her child, a child who would have been loved and cared for. A child with an amazing mother and probably a great step-dad. Littlefoot’s story is tragic because she never got one.

#midnight mass #midnight mass spoilers #parents in midnight mass #I dunno man I just really love how they showed all these examples of parents

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sanderssidesfanfiction · 3 years

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If There’s a Place I Could Be - Chapter Ninety Four

If There’s a Place I Could Be Tag

December 12th, 2003

Emile took a deep breath as he stared at the phone. He brought it back up to his ear. “What would Grandpa possibly have to say to me after hearing about the wedding?” he asked.

“I don’t know, sweetheart. I just know he wanted to speak with you,” his mother said. “Is there a chance you can go see him?”

“Maybe over spring break?” Emile said helplessly. “Until then, I’m pretty busy, and I also...I also have to work up the courage to actually see him.”

“I understand, Emile. Would it help if it was at our house, rather than his? Even ground, so-to-speak?”

Emile sagged. “Yeah, that would help a lot,” he breathed. “Can you set it up? Sometime late March.”

“I’ll talk to him,” his mother promised. “Hang in there, Emile. I know you can do this.”

Emile smiled. “Thanks, Mom.”

December 14th, 2003

Emile was the only one home when there was an urgent knock on the door. He walked over from the kitchen, halfway to the door when the knock started up again. “All right, all right, I’m coming!” Emile shouted at the door. He opened it up, instantly regretting doing so when he saw Remy’s mother on the other side. “Oh, it’s you,” he said disdainfully. “What do you want?”

“What is the meaning of this?!” Remy’s mother demanded, shoving a wedding invitation into Emile’s chest.

Emile looked down at where Remy’s mother was still holding the invitation up against him, then up at Remy’s mother. She pulled away, and Emile let the invitation fall to the ground. “I knew we should have gotten a P.O. box instead of giving you our address,” he said drily.

Remy’s mother scoffed, crossing her arms. “Where’s Remington?” she asked.

“Currently? At work,” Emile said. “And no, I’m not giving you the address.”

“I don’t need the address. Tobias gave it to me,” Remy’s mother scoffed.

Emile rolled his eyes. “Yeah, sure, that’s totally believable. What, did you snoop in his room for it? Or did you just find the newspaper clipping Remy sent his brother?”

Remy’s mother turned red. “I demand an explanation!” she said.

“You don’t get to demand anything,” Emile said. “But I would have thought the wedding invitation would have been clear.”

“My son is not gay!” she screeched.

“That’s not what he said last night,” Emile said before he could help himself.

Remy’s mother gave him a disgusted look.

“Yeah, I’m not proud of that one either,” Emile said with a shrug. “Sounded funnier in my head, to be fair.”

“You’re going to Hell!” she seethed. “And I will not have my son be dragged down there with you!”

“Your son is, one: willingly with me, and two: absolutely the most wonderful person I have ever known. I would be shocked if he ended up in Hell. Genuinely shocked. But then again, your particular flavor of Christianity doesn’t care for that, does it? No, you just care that people cough up money to your church and stay in line. Heaven forbid an individual try to be themselves, am I right?” Emile spat. “Now listen: I don’t care for you. That’s abundantly clear to both of us. But consider, for one moment, that I love Remy enough to agree with him to invite you to the wedding. Consider that he actually wants you there. Is there not enough love in your cold, dying, shrivelled up heart to allow him one day of happiness? One day where you don’t kick up a fuss over his choices? One day where you can say you’re proud of him? Is that not possible?”

Remy’s mother snarled. “How could I be proud of my son being a fag?”

Emile’s hands balled into fists, and it took all his restraint to not beat Remy’s mother to a pulp then and there. “You don’t get to use that word,” he said, voice deadly soft. “That is not yours to use, and Remy doesn’t want that label for himself. Bad enough that you use ‘gay’ like it’s a slur; don’t use actual slurs against him.”

Remy’s mother growled, and Emile crossed his arms. “You’re trespassing. I demand you leave now. Or I’ll call the cops. And I don’t know if you remember this, but last time you lied to them they gave you a hefty fine.”

“I’m not leaving until I get an explanation!” Remy’s mother exclaimed.

“Mom! What the hell?!” Remy exclaimed, stepping out of his and Emile’s car. “What, you know I won’t listen to you so you send Dad to give me the ‘we’re disappointed in you’ speech?! ‘Cause you know, I own my own shop now, I can ban both of you from entering!”

“Remy, mind your language,” a man who Emile didn’t recognize said, exiting their car.

“Dad, I love you, but now’s not the time,” Remy growled. “I brought you here so you could leave, not to receive a lecture on my behavior.”

“Remington,” Remy’s mother seethed. “Your...your friend here has been incredibly rude to me!”

“You show up to our door unannounced, demanding an explanation, probably calling me a slur or three, I’m not surprised,” Remy said. “I take it you won’t be coming to the wedding?”

“I don’t want her there after what she said about you,” Emile said, glaring at Remy’s mother.

“I don’t want your grandfather there after what he said about you, and still hasn’t apologized for,” Remy shot back. “We invited him anyway.”

“He doesn’t stalk either of us to ensure we’re on the ‘straight and narrow,’” Emile responded, looking over to Remy. “Just saying no is better than...this,” he gestured in the general direction of Remy’s mother.

“How dare you?!” Remy’s mother screeched.

“Mom, he meant your behavior, not you,” Remy sighed. “Emile, can you apologize?”

“I don’t apologize to bigots,” Emile snarled.

“Emile. Please,” Remy said.

“Rem, she’s stalking you, trespassing, and wreaking havoc on your mental health to the point where you’ve had nightmares,” Emile wisely didn’t bring up the fact that Remy was in need of therapy.

“Emile,” Remy pressed.

“Rem, I’m not backing down on this one,” Emile said. “She doesn’t deserve an apology.”

Remy sighed. “Mio amore...”

Remy’s mother turned her ire on Remy. “Don’t use that sort of language for another man, Remington, it’s unbecoming of you.”

“Mom...” Remy shook his head. “Don’t you understand? I love him. I love him enough to marry him.”

“Why couldn’t you find a nice girl to settle down with?” Remy’s mother bemoaned.

“Because I’m not bisexual,” Remy said. “I’m gay. And you need to respect that, and me.”

“Respect is earned, Remy, and you haven’t earned ours,” Remy’s father said. “Based on your decisions, do you really think we can trust your judgement?”

Emile blew out a breath. “Your dad’s almost worse than your mom.”

Remy rolled his eyes. “Tell me about it. The guilt-trips he took me on when I was little? Definitely worse than my mother guilting me into forgiving her for her behavior, any day.”

“Goddamn,” Emile uttered.

Remy’s mother shrieked. “You bite your tongue!” she declared.

Emile raised an unimpressed eyebrow at her. “You realize if you don’t accept Remy being gay, and I’m just his ‘friend,’ you don’t even have theoretical power over me, in my house? If I’m not your future son-in-law, I don’t have to follow your rules. I don’t have to, anyway, but I’m trying to follow your backwards logic for a minute. I can swear all I want.”

“Spoken like a true sinner,” Remy’s mother spat. “Next you’ll tell me that you seduce little boys.”

“Ah, the ‘all Catholics are pedophiles’ argument, how I missed you... not,” Emile rolled his eyes and continued, “I’m only a year older than Remy, and I was in his same grade, anyway. Now. Am I your future son-in-law to you or not?”

Remy’s mother’s lip curled.

“What do you think about the name ‘Mister Emile Picani,’ Rem?” Emile asked.

Remy was stifling laughter as he walked over. “You know? I think that sounds perfect,” he said, kissing Emile on the cheek.

Remy’s mother looked positively scandalized.

“You know, Mom, maybe it’s for the best that you’re not coming to the wedding. If a kiss on the cheek makes you blush, imagine what would happen when we make out at the altar?” Remy said, laughing. “Because I love my fiancé, more than words could possibly describe. And we kiss, and hug, and are happy with each other. We make love, too, just in case you thought there was any hope that you could save me from Hell; there’s not.

“We love each other, Mom. If that’s not enough for you? Well, sorry,” Remy said, shaking his head. “And I’d really appreciate you not showing up again unless you’re going to apologize for your behavior. Thanks.”

“You’re making a mistake, Remy,” Remy’s father said.

“No, Dad,” Remy said. “For once in my life, I’m making the right decision.”

Remy’s parents didn’t say anything for a beat, and Emile laughed. “You know, all the arguing about last names was solved by this, so I’d say that’s a silver lining.”

“Mm, I still think Remy Thomas would be a good name,” Remy teased. “But you’re right, it doesn’t have quite the same ring as Emile Picani.”

That seemed to snap Remy’s mother out of her reverie. “You will not be sullying our good name with this!” she snapped.

“You still have a good name?” Emile laughed. “After all you’ve done you think it’s still in good standing? No, honey...your son and I are gonna restore that name for ourselves, our way. And if you have a problem with that, then you’re not coming to the wedding. You can’t exactly protest it, unless you want to protest outside a Catholic church.”

Remy’s mother sneered at him. Remy’s father just watched the exchange with an air of disappointment and sadness around him. “Honey, we should go,” Remy’s father said. “There’s no way we can convince Remy out of his choice like this. He’s made his bed, he’ll have to lie in it.”

Remy faltered a little bit and Emile wrapped an arm around his fiancé protectively. “The only bed he’s made is with me,” Emile informed Remy’s dad. “And I don’t know if you realize this, but loving someone who uses the same pronouns as you? Isn’t actually a sin.”

“It’s not a one-way ticket to Hell, but if he doesn’t repent—”

“—Why’s it any of your business whether or not he believes what you believe or whether or not he shares your values?” Emile interrupted. “If he doesn’t share your values, why should he be judged by your standards?”

Remy’s father frowned. “Are you saying he doesn’t share our values?”

“I’m saying he’s marrying me, and that should be a rather large hint that maybe you should reevaluate your relationship to him,” Emile stated primly.

Remy’s father turned back to Remy’s mother. “Honey, we really should get going. You promised to call Vanessa by five.”

“Yes, to explain the drivel she received in the mail, and I haven’t gotten an explanation!” Remy’s mother exclaimed.

“You’ve gotten a perfectly good explanation, it’s just not the one you wanted, Mom,” Remy said with a sickly sweet smile. “You have your explanation. You can track down every last person in my family and tell them not to come to the wedding, and see who listens to you. Test their allegiance. Tear the family into who supports me and who supports you. Have fun.”

“Well, Vanessa won’t come to your wedding, and neither will Tobias!” Remy’s mother spat.

“Gee, you sure?” Remy asked. “Because I could have sworn Tobes was gonna be my best man.”

“Honey, leave them alone,” Remy’s father said. “They’ve made their choice. And it’s the wrong one, but they’ll have to deal with the consequences. You promised you would call Vanessa. We need to go if we want to make it home before she calls.”

Remy’s mother growled, but went to leave. Remy picked the wedding invitation up off the ground. “I take it you don’t want to save the date?” he called after them.

“You’re evil,” Emile said with a smirk.

“In the best of ways,” Remy said, giving him a kiss.

Emile smiled as Remy’s parents drove off, but sighed after they left. “This is going to be nightmare fuel for you, isn’t it?”

“Oh, yeah,” Remy said. “But I’d rather not think about that right now, if it’s all the same to you.”

“You know what? Fair enough,” Emile said. “We also got our wedding checklist done for the day, we decided on a last name. We’re good to go.”

“Mm, I thought we were deciding on a color scheme today,” Remy said.

“I figured one is as good as the other,” Emile said with a shrug. “Was I wrong?”

“No,” Remy said with a shrug. “I just need to call Tobes sooner rather than later about the tuxes.”

“Oh, good point,” Emile said. “So let’s figure that out, and then we can relax.”

“Sounds good,” Remy sighed.

Emile’s arm never left Remy as they walked back inside.

#if there's a place i could be #sanders sides fanfiction #remile #emile picani #ts sleep

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lookatmerosalie · 4 years

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Love’s Consequences, Seventeen

Sunday mass. It's something I've had to attend my entire life. It's never something I've decided to attend, but have done so anyway for my parents.

I wasn't always apathetic when it came to religion. When I was little, I actually had a strong connection with God. I liked singing at church, and I thought the cathedral was gorgeous. But as I aged, I became more and more disenchanted. I wondered why all these things were taught to me, and if it was truly real. Was there really a divine power watching over me?

By the time I reached middle school, I had a weak connection to the Catholic church. I saw the way my parents would treat certain groups of people and felt guilt. The way my life was going, I felt like I was alone, and no one was watching over me. It didn't feel right.

Today, I still continue my tradition of going to church every Sunday. Stepping into that same white and gold cathedral, my parents leading me inside. We find our usual spot and sit at the pew. Once more people arrive, the mass gets started, and we partake in the opening hymn.

We talk of pardoning our sins, and jump right into the gospel reading. Another hymn, more pardoning of sins. The name of Christ is holy, blah blah blah. It all sounds like amplified white noise to me.

Since I've started dating Austin, my relationship with the church has reached an all-time low. Although my parents have never explicitly stated that they hate gay people, I know their backgrounds, who they were raised by, and what messages have been given to them by the church. I feel like an outsider, even just standing in the pew. All the people around me, though they've seen me grow up and have known me my whole life, would never speak to me again if they knew who I really was.

This time of year, our church prepares itself for lent, Easter, and the rest of the coinciding holy holidays. I can tell that, as usual, my parents are super invested and excited to be here. I find it great that some people can find solace in the Catholic church, but I'm not one of them.

As if I fell asleep and woke up suddenly, the mass is nearly over. I lost myself in my own thoughts, which happens pretty often these days. I must have just gone through the motions until now.

We go up, take communion, and head back to the pew for the remainder of the mass.

"The Lord be with you."

"And with your spirit," I mumble.

"May almighty God bless you, the Father, and the Son, and the Holy Spirt."

"Amen," everyone responds.

We all get dismissed and file ourselves out of the cathedral. My parents exit with giddy strides and smiles on their faces. I exit with the weight of the world on my shoulders.

"I thought today's mass was excellent. Did you enjoy it, Dylan?" my mom asks me. I nod, not saying anything in response.

The three of us make our way down the street to the parking lot. Across the street, two women with dyed hair sit next to each other. As we pass, they kiss. My parents keep walking, but I could see the stink on their faces from a mile away.

As soon as we get in the car, my dad says, "Right across from a Catholic church? Really? The nerve they have."

My mom shakes her head. "I don't understand how people can choose to live that way. It's downright sinful."

I sit quietly. My dad asks, "Is there anyone at your school who is in a relationship like that?" My heart starts to race.

"Nope, not that I know of."

"Good. I don't want you being exposed to that kind of behavior. It's sickening," he spits.

Thank goodness I'm not exposing myself to that kind of behavior. That'd be a tragedy.

The whole ride home, I have a pit in my stomach and a sense of dread falling over me. Being super old school Catholics, I should've known they wouldn't be LGBT-friendly. I was an idiot for thinking otherwise. I wish I got the cool, hip, modern Christian parents that Sammy has.

"Make sure you wash the dishes today, honey," my mom reminds me before I can escape to my room.

Not wanting to fight, I simply say, "Alright."

I wash off the muck from our bowls and plates and try to put them in the dishwasher as quickly as possible. Midway through, I feel a buzz in my pocket. I wipe off my hands and take my phone out to check.

"I love you," Austin writes. I smile wide and my heart flutters.

"What are you smiling at?" my dad asks, walking in the kitchen. I quickly click my phone off and put it back in my pocket.

"Just a funny post I saw," I tell him, getting back to the dishes.

"Mhm," he says, suspiciously. He continues walking into the living room, but his presence was enough to put me on edge. So, I simply finish doing the dishes in silence.

"I'm going to tell them."

"What? Are you sure?" Austin asks me, a little concerned.

I nod. Although every bone in my body disagrees with my decision, I nod.

He sighs. "Okay. Please be careful."

I nod. "I will. Thank you," I say, kissing him one last time.

Suddenly, I'm back with my parents. The two of them sit on the couch, looking at me expectantly. A surge of pain courses through me, but I walk closer to them nonetheless.

"Mom. Dad. I need to tell you something," I speak softly.

"Spit it out," my dad says, getting up and towering over me.

I take a deep breath. "I'm gay."

The floor opens up into a dark pit, and I stumble in. I hold on to the edge, which was growing by the second, with my fingertips.

"No, you're not," both of my parents say simultaneously. Both of them step on my fingers, one taking responsibility of one hand, forcing me to let go and plummet down.

I scream until I can't anymore. Eventually, it feels as though there's no air left to breathe.

Suddenly, I wake up. I find myself in a dark place, not able to see anything around me.

A familiar voice in my ear whispers, “He’s mine.”

Flashing to another scene, I see six figures in the distance. Two stand out to me: a slim, chocolate haired boy next to a girl with short red hair. They hold hands and the whole group laughs together. They turn around, and I see my friends.

“I told you he’s mine. Why are you back?” Sammy asks, glaring. My heart races and I double back a few steps.

“W-what’s happening?” I say, wanting to cry.

“We don’t need you,” all of them say in unison.

Frozen in place, the man who should be my boyfriend approaches me and repeats, as if some type of twisted mantra, “We don’t need you.”

Blinded by tears, the scenery changes once again. All I can hear is laughter, but it didn’t seem like they were laughing at anything funny. I wipe my eyes and look around to see faceless teens in a school hallway, laughing and pointing at me.

This can’t be real... no...

I jolt up in bed, feeling hot and sweaty. I strip my blanket off from on top of me and turn so my legs are hanging off the bed. I quickly grasp around for my phone on my nightstand, and click it. It’s 2:43.

My heart continues to race from whatever hell I just experienced. I’ve had dreams like that before, but never that painful. And never with Austin.

I try to regain comfort in the fact that none of it was real, and I’m safe again. But the pit in my stomach remains.

Although I’m unsure if Austin is awake, I call him anyway. It rings only once or twice before he picks up.

“Are you okay? Is something wrong?” Austin asks, clearly panicked. I calm myself a little just from the sound of his voice.

“I’m okay now,” I sigh a breath of relief.

“What’s wrong?” he asks, still concerned.

“If I said I had a nightmare, would you laugh at me?” I ask, scratching my head.

“Of course not. I’m guessing it was worse than usual?” he asks, knowing I’ve had plenty before.

“Yeah. It was rough.”

“Do you want to talk through it?” he asks kindly.

“No. I just wanted to hear your voice,” I tell him.

“Oh yeah?”

I blush. “Yeah. Hearing you makes me feel better,” I admit.

He lets out a brief sigh of happiness. “Everything’s going to be alright, Dyl. I’ll always be here with my voice.”

I smile wide and lay down, leaving the phone next to my ear.

“Is it okay if I just leave you on for a little longer? You don’t even have to talk if you don’t want to,” I ask.

“I’ll stay on as long as you need. I’m here,” he says sweetly. I close my eyes and just listen to the sound of his gentle breath, pretending like he was right there next to me. I quickly find myself falling asleep, Austin still virtually by my side.

The next morning, I’d come to find out that he never hung up.

#teen #teen fiction #bxb #writing #original content #seventeen #love's consequences #gay #lgbt #religion #romance #love #romantic comedy

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theyearoftheking · 4 years

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Book Thirty-Two: Needful Things

“Why is it that so many people think all the answers are in their wallets?”

When I started this blog, it was kind of funny how life events were lining up with the books I was reading. I finished The Stand just as we were starting to learn about Coronavirus. I read Misery while we were all stuck in quarantine. And this weekend I finished Needful Things just as riots were starting to break out all over the country.

I’m not egotistical enough to think my reading of these books is bringing them to life, but I’m also kind of terrified to crack into The Dome... just sayin. And I guess we did avoid murderous clown shenanigans with It, so maybe it’s just a freaky coincidence. But I might skip Sleeping Beauties just to be safe.

I might have discovered my new favorite Steve book. This was my first time reading Needful Things, and the story captured me in a way I wasn’t expecting. I was immediately reminded of Something Wicked This Way Comes; which my husband admitted to never having read/watched the movie, which is a real tragedy. But the book truly feels like one big piece of Bradbury fan fiction. And I’m not at all mad about that.

Before cracking into Needful Things, I recommend going back and reading Sun Dog, the last novella in Four Past Midnight. Sun Dog brings us back to Castle Rock, Maine, and introduces the characters we explore further in Needful Things. Reading it isn’t mandatory, but it does make for a richer experience. In the introduction to Sun Dog, King explains Needful Things is the last book he’s going to set in Castle Rock (lies). For those keeping count, we’ve got Cujo, The Dead Zone, The Dark Half, and The Body (Stand By Me). All these stories are referenced in Needful Things, and we even find out what happened to our friend Thad Beaumont from The Dark Half. Spoiler: it’s not great.

“By virtue of Thad’s drunken phonecalls, Alan had become an unwilling witness to the crash of Thad’s marriage and the steady erosion of the man’s sanity.”

Additionally, Thad’s wife Liz took the twins and deuced out. I mean... not surprising. I don’t know how one recovers from being stalked by their alter-ego, and having their house busted into by a bunch of sparrows. In case you need a reminder about all the shenanigans and bad luck Castle Rock has endured, here’s the Cliff’s Notes version:

Before I get into the plot of the story, I’m going to issue a Trigger Warning. Needful Things does deal with the suicide of a young boy, as well as the murder of two seperate animals.

Needful Things is a quaint little shop which just opened up in downtown Castle Rock, and it promises oddities and strange little finds. The proprietor of the shop is Leland Gaunt, and he seems to have something for everyone. Everything from aviator sunglasses worn by Elvis, to autographed Sandy Koufax baseball cards, to a splinter believed to have come off Noah’s Ark, to a necklace believed to cure arthritis. Every little oddity in the shop is wildly affordable, but comes with a few strings attached. Gaunt asks a favor, or a “prank” of each patron that comes into the shop.

Slowly but surely, he’s got the entire town feuding. It starts with two old women dueling on a street corner, because one believes the other killed her dog, and the other believes she threw mud on her clean laundry and broke her windows. Gaunt plays on the already growing tensions in town: the Catholic church wanting to have a casino night fundraiser, and the Baptists who are fiercely opposed to the idea. The embezzling city official who parks in the handicapped spot, and the deputy who is pressured by his boss to give him a ticket for it. Before long, these “pranks” and “favors” are adding up, and the town is thrown into a state of chaos. Meanwhile, Leland Gaunt just sits back and smiles.

It falls to Sheriff Alan Pangborn to try and figure out what’s going on in town, and how the riots started. He visits little Sean Rusk in the hospital, who witnessed his older brother Brian commit suicide. Brian had stopped into Needful Things and left with an autographed and personalized Sandy Koufax card, which of course came with a few small strings attached. Brian ends up committing a few acts of vandalism that led to the old lady duel. The guilt eats him alive, and he shoots himself. Sean tells Sheriff Pangborn Brian was acting strange lately, he had caught him mooning over a random, ratty baseball card. NOT the autographed, personalized Sandy Koufax card Brian thought it was... Because, dark magic.

So, Alan starts to get an idea of who is behind the madness plaguing Castle Rock. As his city is looting, rioting and falling down around him, he goes to confront Gaunt with prank snakes in a can. You know... a real prank... not like killing someone’s dog, or ruining their laundry. The snakes take on some kind of magical power, and send Gaunt on his way to Iowa. I speak for all midwestern folk when I say, “God speed to Iowa, Gaunt. That state could use some livening up...”

The book was fantastic; there were so many threads that came together at the end, it was masterful. And I speak for everyone who has bought crazy, random shit off the internet during quarantine... at least my Keds/truffle infused hot sauce/Christian McCaffrey jersey/protein powder/2 liter water bottle didn’t come with any strings attached. Just sayin.

There were two Dark Tower references... at two different points in the book, Steve referred to people battling as, “gunslingers”. No Wisconsin references, and I’m kinda glad. The last thing we need is some Leland Gaunt up in our already messed up state.

Total Wisconsin Mentions: 25

Total Dark Tower References: 25

Book Grade: A+

Rebecca’s Definitive Ranking of Stephen King Books

The Talisman: A+

Needful Things: A+

Misery: A+

Different Seasons: A+

It: A+

Four Past Midnight: A+

The Shining: A-

The Stand: A-

The Drawing of the Three: A-

Nightmares in the Sky: B+

The Dark Half: B+

Skeleton Crew: B+

The Dead Zone: B+

‘Salem’s Lot: B+

Carrie: B+

Creepshow: B+

Cycle of the Werewolf: B-

Danse Macabre: B-

The Running Man: C+

Thinner: C+

Dark Visions: C+

The Eyes of the Dragon: C+

The Long Walk: C+

The Gunslinger: C+

Pet Sematary: C+

Firestarter: C+

Rage: C

Cujo: C-

Nightshift: C-

Roadwork: D

Christine: D

The Tommyknockers: D-

I hope everyone stays safe amid the riots and protests, and the ever-looming threat of Coronavirus. I’m one hundred pages into The Wastelands, and it’s the ultimate escape reading for me. Walking into Roland’s ka-tet is like coming back to see old friends. Lovely.

Until next time, long days & pleasant nights,

Rebecca

#stephen king #constant readers #needful things #castle rock #dark tower #ray bradbury #something wicked this way comes #cujo #the dark half #sun dog #the body #stand by me

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geek-girl-writes · 4 years

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Take Me To Church

So, I've been thinking about this song for a while, and I may be completely off my rockers but I think--

Take Me To Church is a song about conflict.

A ballad-esque story of a Christian guy with internalised homohobia falling in love with another guy.

If you notice carefully the chorus and verses are completely at odd with themselves.

The verses are slow—they talk about giggles and desire, and lovers.

My lovers got a humor

She’s the giggle at the funeral

Knows everybody’s disapproval

I should have worshiped her sooner

If the heavens ever did speak

She’s the last true mouthpiece

I always found it interesting that the lyrics used she to denote the lover when you could clearly see that the lover is a guy.

But it makes sense. This is a story set in a deeply homophobic, and ultra religious town. The narrator wants to tell the world about his lover—wants to brag about his humor, his qualities, but can’t.

So, he changes the pronouns, and suddenly it becomes acceptable. It’s a irony aimed at us. People don’t even want to hear what queer people have to say about their lives. They don’t want to hear about your sinful choices.

‘’Do whatever you want to, don’t flaunt it on our face,’’ they snarl.

You can talk, and gloat, and write songs after songs about girls, love and sex. But heaven forbid, if a gay person wants to talk about his lover.

You don’t matter, your ‘love’ doesn’t matter, they want to say. What matters is gender. That you could be anything and everything—but not with a guy.

The lyrics above are filled with reverence, and admiration. You could see that the singer knows, this person he is falling for is trouble. That he is going to go down with him; this love is fire and it wrong but he can’t help it because—

Yes.

YES.

Everything with him is a yes.

Every Sunday’s getting more bleak

Fresh poison each week

We were born sick

But I love it

Command me to be well

Amen, amen, amen, amen."

The Church, it’s hypocrisy, it’s becoming unbearable. It’s almost as if the singer is questioning—If what I am doing is a sin, then why do I feel calm and sure? Why do I love it?

The singer sounds almost as if he is taking blessing, a yes-nod—not from the church. But from God itself. Command me to be well. Amen.

But then the chorus rolls in, and so does insecurity and society. The singer falters, he asks for repentance. He pleads—he has sinned, and now he must do everything to absolve himself. Years of doctrine, and dogma have made it almost impossible to embrace this new part of himself, no matter how right it feels.

The softness of verses disappear. Here in the chorus, you have drums, and rock, and anger. This isn’t folk, and love. This is desperateness, this is darkness. These are the words of a broken man so afraid of hell he has forgotten to live.

Take me to Church

I’ll worship like a dog

At the shrine of your lies

I’ll tell you my sins

And you can sharpen your knife

Offer me that deathless death

Good God, let me give you my life.

The chorus is repeated, and the tension makes the words shiver. The singer knows, that Church is lying. He knows what confessing his sins would lead to—it’s play that has been repeated over and over. And yet, he isn’t ready to leave.

I would take death but I would not sin. Take my life, absolve me, Lord.

But he doesn’t want to. He wants love, and hope, and solid arms. Chaos unravels, and conflict heightens.

Make a choice, or suffer.

Often, humans make their homes admist trauma, and darkness. And even when happiness, and liberty come knocking at your door, you don’t want to leave.

Few among us get the privilege to keep our communities and be who we are.

But how long can you survive in a community that hates you? How long will you carry the burden of lie and break your bone for other people’s comfort?

The second verse still simmers from the anger of the chorus, and breaks into this—

If I am the pagan of the good times

My lovers the sunlight

To keep the goddess on my side

She demands a sacrifice

And right here. Right here, you see the crux of the song. Almost as if his lover is asking to him—what are you willing to lose to be with me? What length will you cross, what boundaries will you break?

And the singer does. He crosses the lengths and bounds. Even when he knows this is a sin, he can’t—won’t—stop himself. He’s tired of denying himself for so long the simple pleasures of life.

It’s important because we see him take the agency for the very first time.

To drain the whole sea

Get something shiny

Something meaty for the maincourse

That’s a fine looking high horse

I don’t care how absurd this sounds, or whatever Hozier says, in my head they have sex here. I mean look at the lyrics—it’s full of innuendos.

It also makes sense (atleast in my head) that they would want to be with each other—to have gay sex, to actively make that choice of sinning— I can’t think of a greater sacrifice.

Also, peeps, c’mon. High horse and meaty means only one thing.

What you got in the stable?

*eyebrow wag*

We’ve got a lot of starving faithful

That looks tasty

That looks plenty

This is hungry work

And then comes the revulsion. The fear, the dread, the paralyzing dose of catholic guilt leads us back into the chorus with the singer still pleading but—he is also slowly coming to terms with himself.

The drums seem softer—there’s an urgency, but beneath that tranquility shimmers breaking out to the surface.

I like to imagine the last verse like a conversation between lovers. Soft, tender—guiding our broken lost singer to salvation, and not the kind the Church would approve of.

I like to imagine, this is where he surrenders all of himself. Completely.

The Church asks for devotion and blind loyalty, and our narrator gives it freely. But to his lover.

In Love he finds his God.

No masters or kings when the ritual begins

There is no sweeter innocence than our gentle sins

In the madness and soil of that sad earthly scene

Only then am I human, only then am I clean

Amen, amen, amen.

#hozier #love #queer #queer love #queer life #take me to church #interpretation #headcannons #lgbtq #lgbtq representation #lqbtq pride #God #christian community #homosexuality #the hoziest #gaypride #music

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theoi-crow · 5 years

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I know you’ve gotten a bunch of these. But that post about the Gods and our potential. It hit me again. I’ve been really struggling with things and faith. Trying to unlearn things. Lots of guilt and shame. I admit I yelled and ran away. But it’s been a bit and I’ve come back. Hurting but it’s getting better. I cleansed my apartment and set up a protective barrier. And this time it felt like it worked. I felt and sensed a warmth and lightness. Peace.1/2

2/2 and I made an offering and an apology. It was on the 23rd. There’s worry that I pushed the Gods to far. Things changed after an all to real dream about an explosion. Thought it was real, woke me up. Maybe I’m fooling myself. But that post really helped. I can’t truly express how much you’ve helped me. So thank you.

----------------

Wow, this is amazing and also why I decided to make a blog.

There are so many people who have ideas about these "rules" they expect for themselves or others on "how to be a devotee", or how a devotee "should" act.

It sucks because the gods are SO FLEXIBLE.

And not just in modern times either. There is no official book or "Bible" on what is standard procedure on how to treat a god or how to worship one.

Even people who are reconstructionists are working with surviving information that mostly came from Athens. There are other locations but the bulk of our Ancient Greek information comes from Athens, which is one of many City-States.

Each city-State was different, had different traditions, preferred certain gods over others, etc. So to accommodate these devotees that were very different and had different needs, the gods became flexible which is why a god will have abilities that feel like they are coming from left field.

And if Ancient Greece wasn't enough, the gods had to become even more flexible in order to survive the christianization of Europe.

They knew their devotees would die if they were caught worshipping pagan gods so they accepted whatever the devotee could give, in the time that they could give it, because that was what was available.

Some devotees didn't have time to physically spend with their gods because they had to go to church and do all of these things to prove they were good Christians while still praying and holding their gods in their hearts.

That's because they would see their loved ones and neighbors get killed as punishment. An anxiety they passed down their lineage.

The Italian Renaissance was such a blessing for these devotees because now they could have a painting of Apollo or Aphrodite while claiming it was for the love of art.

But they had to be careful the paintings were not setup to look like altars because every home would be thoroughly investigated to make sure there were no traces of worshipping pagan gods.

Another problem with these expectations is the devotee's point of reference.

A LOT of devotees (not all) come from a Christian background. A background that has its own rules on how to worship a god and the punishment/guilt that comes with not doing it right.

A lot of the Christian religions have a shame method that is so psychologically embedded, it is akin to feeling ostracized. This is also where the rules on "HOW to worship a god", "what to do or not do" and how "you'll be spited and damned" for not following these rules.

Again, the gods saw that their followers HAD to get creative. They couldn't just worship them in temples that were no longer there. Or do it in the open because they would face death as a very real possibility.

The gods know society is still ruled by influential religions.

Look at stores that assume everyone is Christian during Christmas or how there are mandatory days off during Dec. 24th and 25th. How people still greet everyone with "Merry Christmas" but lose their minds when you reply with "Happy Holidays" or "Happy Yule." The "war on Christmas" segmants on TV. The Christmas episode/movie every network seems to have. It's everywhere.

The gods know we're expected to follow certain ways but that's why they are still so flexible.

They'd rather us take our time, take it slow, do our best than quit altogether.

A few years ago I quit working with gods. There were so many expectations and rules I had to follow as an apprentice to ex-Catholic witches who would shame me for not worshipping a god in certain ways. Then Aphrodite appeared.

I told her I was over working with gods because my depression and laundry list of mental diagnosis just zapped the energy I needed.

She told me to do what I could but to be respectful of my own limits.

Even though she suggested I also work with Apollo, It would be 3 years before I actually added Apollo to my practice. After that Apollo suggested Hermes and after a year or so, Hermes was also added.

Then Aphrodite suggested Ares. "No way!" Was my immediate reply.

Ares and I had history.

I grew up in an area where gang wars, kidnappings and killings were so rampant. I'm lucky to be alive but that's because I was 5 when Ares appeared and promised to protect me.

He trained me to look tough, defend myself and be cautious of the things around me by depending on reflective surfaces when I was walking, being aware of every exit at all times, etc.

I grew up thinking he was an imaginary friend.

But we had a falling out when I first started practicing Wicca (I'm not wiccan but it was the first thing I learned before dabbling in other forms of witchcraft.) Because wiccan books in the 90s were so anti-war, they said that no respectable witch would ever work with Ares, the god of war so I told him I never wanted to see him again.

I was 12. That was 15+ years ago.

I was afraid that he hated me, that he would yell at me for believing a book over him, when he had helped save my life on SO MANY occasions.

But when I finally agreed to it, I saw Ares and he smiled.

HE SMILED!!!!

Then I remembered every time I was afraid he was there making sure I was okay even though I had told him I never wanted to see him again. He was there when a man tried to get me in his car and his tire suddenly popped. When a guy pulled a knife on me but the police sirens freaked him out. And so many other seemingly miraculous close calls!

Ares had been all around me. I was so happy he had forgiven me that I cried.

And this is what I mean by limits.

Ares knew my limited 12 year old mind would be panicked at the thought that I was working with an "evil" god. He knew I would yell at him and tell him I never wanted to see him again so he didn't appear but he kept doing all these things to guarantee my safety.

He knew my limits so he worked around them.

I stopped working with Ares for 15+ years and he still forgave me.

Your gods KNOW.

They love you, every single part of you, including your limits.

I apologize for the length.

May your gods be clear about their love and patience for you.

#ares #aphrodite #Greek Gods #ares devotee #Aphrodite devotee

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queermediastudies · 4 years

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C.R.A.Z.Y. and the Search for Identity

C.R.A.Z.Y. is a 2005 French Canadian film from director Jean-Marc Vallée. The film itself centers on Zac, a character that his going through an identity crisis over the course of the film. Zac also has four brothers. Christian is something of an egghead who reads everything and is (assumed) to be very smart. Raymond, whom Zac declares his enemy and is the films problem child. Then there is Antoine who is the athlete of the family. Finally there is Yvan, the youngest in the family and the one who speaks the least. The movie itself, focuses on the relationship between Zac and his father. While the movie clearly shows the struggle for identity, and acceptance, this is all the movie really does. It is not actually interested in taking on the greater LGBTQ issues throughout.

Zac is the fourth born son in the family. When arranging the brothers in order of birth it is, Christian, Raymond, Antoine, Zac and Yvan. The first letter of their names, in birth order, spells out C.R.A.Z.Y., which the film uses to symbolizes the dysfunction of the family as a whole. The boys have all grown up under a strict, incredibly masculine father. The father’s name is Gervais and he wants all of his children to grow up to be big strong men. Zac is fortunate enough (or unfortunate enough) to be born on Christmas day in 1960. He is constantly reminded that his birthday is the same as Jesus Christ (which is significant with him growing up in a very Catholic family) and that because of that he must have a gift. He is, the film points out, not like other boys. The film leads audiences astray by saying Zac must have a gift. If he thinks of people while they’re in pain they’ll get better. What the film is really alluding to, however, is Zac’s homosexual desires.

The film plays around with the identity crisis a lot. While Zac is the main character and his identity throughout the film is front and center, the film is really about a father’s love for his sons, but also the toxic masculinity of that father. As the film begins Zac is a child, and his father’s favorite son. But as Zac gets older his father wants him to be a “man.” He doesn’t want Zac to be soft or feminine. A key scene in the film is Gervais stumbling upon Zac wearing women’s clothing and enjoying himself. This moment, Zac narrates, is a moment which “declares war” on his father, unbeknownst to him.

The film goes through three different periods of time. First the early 60’s when Zac is a child. The film then jumps to the mid 70’s when Zac is in adolescence and finally ends in early 1981 when Zac is an adult. It’s in adolescence that the film primarily pays attention to Zac and the “problem child,” Raymond.

Raymond, who represents a lot of toxic masculinity, is shown as Zac’s sworn enemy throughout the film. Raymond picks on Zac, tortures him, and calls him homophobic slurs. But it is also in adolescence that Raymond begins to develop a drug addiction. Like Zac, Raymond disappoints his father, but it’s due to his drug addiction, not sexuality. On the other hand, Gervais actually sees Zac’s sexuality as more of a problem.

Zac spends a great deal of the film wanting to desperately win his father’s approval and he does so by trying very hard to repress his homosexual desires. The movie has a way of communicating Zac’s identity crisis as he explores who he may be. In one particular scene the audience sees that Zac is a David Bowie fan in the 1970’s. David Bowie was said to be undergoing an identity crisis during that time. In 1972, David Bowie said he was a homosexual. Of course, over the course of his life, Bowie has been quite ambiguous about his sexuality (with the most common answer now being that he was bisexual). With Zac undergoing his own identity crisis, David Bowie is definitely the perfect symbol in the 1970’s. In a scene where he’s singing David Bowie in his room the audience can also see the Pink Floyd rainbow spectrum in the background. Though Pink Floyd has nothing to do with homosexuality, the rainbow is a symbol of gay pride. The camera makes sure you don’t always see the whole Pink Floyd symbol and mostly shows the audience the rainbow.

In another scene Zac is seen interested in other boys and trying not to let that show (in one instance he feigns having an infatuation with his cousin when it is, in fact, her boyfriend he’s actually interested in).

The most important part of his identity crisis comes from wanting to please his strict Catholic father. Gervais has a Patsy Cline record where he listens to his favorite song: Crazy. Part of how Zac “declares war” on his father is also because he accidentally broke that record. However, this symbolizes their destroyed relationship. A major subplot of the film is Zac constantly trying to find this record in hopes that this will please his father enough to accept him.

Catholic guilt, another trait associated with homosexuality within catholic households, is also a major theme in the film. There are several instances of crosses seen throughout. The mother is devout in her prayers and Zac even takes a trip to Jerusalem where he is able to accept his identity. The fact that the film spends so much time with a son getting right with his father is likely another Catholic symbol. Catholics often have to confess sins and ask for forgiveness to get back into the circle with God the Father. This is exactly what Zac has to do throughout the movie. Instead of having to get right with the Lord, however, Zac has to get right with his literal father. This can only happen by confessing his homosexuality to his father, and himself. Something Zac spends the majority of the film trying to repress.

Another interesting aspect of the film is that throughout, it is clear that most of the other characters are aware of Zac’s homosexuality. Zac’s mother is quite supportive of him throughout the film. Even Raymond the “problem child,” ends up defending Zac from homophobes. The only character in denial is Gervais, who spends much of the film suggesting that Zac couldn’t possibly be a homosexual because in late adolescence and early adulthood Zac manages to get himself into a relationship with a woman. During this time in adulthood, it seems like Zac is able to please his father, but this means lying to himself.

C.R.A.Z.Y. definitely takes the issues of identity and acceptance quite seriously and without a lot of sex. There are implied sexual acts, but nothing explicit. C.R.A.Z.Y. isn’t out to shock the audience, it is out to show a very real struggle that happens with those who identity as LGBTQ. There is nothing presented about Zac’s identity crisis that’s funny. His process of coming out and acceptance isn’t treated as a joke, but rather torture. Whether that’s from his father or his brother.

C.R.A.Z.Y. was a huge critical success, but it was not necessarily a mainstream one. Being a foreign film meant that it was not widely distributed in the United States. It was also a smaller independent project. C.R.A.Z.Y. also came out the same year as “Brokeback Mountain,” but this film’s lack of media publicity makes it feel less like a moment where the culture pats itself on the back, and more like it was trying to present something more authentic. C.R.A.Z.Y. doesn’t rely too heavily on stereotypes. As well as it handles the identity crisis, however, the movie shows that it is firmly a product of its time by refusing to be too political in any sense of the word.

C.R.A.Z.Y. came out eight years after Ellen had literally come out. The approach that Ellen took was a means of depoliticizing queerness, and focusing on identity (Dow, 2001). C.R.A.Z.Y. is similar in that it does not spend a lot of time focusing on any particular political issues of the day, or even struggles beyond identity. This is especially baffling within the film, as the majority of it takes place in the 1970’s, but has little to say about the ongoing gay rights movement that was taking place in Canada at the time. The movie seems to care little for actually discussing the political climate that Zac is finding himself in. This suggests that the struggle for identity and coming out is one done in isolation, with nothing from the outside creeping in.

It is also worth examining who created the film. Director Jean-Marc Vallée is known more today for the movie “The Dallas Buyer’s Club,” but he is a straight, cis-gendered, white male. This will often bring about the question who the movie is made for, and why. As Doty (1993) reminds us, the director of a film can actually influence what the audience sees and experiences on screen. Vallée is actually quite known for his attempts at allyship through film, but he has also been criticized for his handling of some of these issues. C.R.A.Z.Y. is his most praised work for how well it dives into identity, but it also shows the reality of who is able to have their projects funded. Could C.R.A.Z.Y. have been made by a queer man? It is unlikely that this would be the case.

On the other hand, as Joyrich (2014) points out, such displays of identity can still help in smaller ways. I do believe this to be true of C.R.A.Z.Y.. The film came out in 2005 when such topics as gay marriage and visibility were greater topics of discussion throughout Canada and the United States. Nevertheless, the film would still be considered “safe,” by all accounts. C.R.A.Z.Y. is a fairly sexless affair. One that is able to meet the “approval” of most straight audiences. In fact, until the very end, one might wonder if C.R.A.Z.Y. even is about identity simply for the fact that even after Zac fully realizes his homosexuality… the movie doesn’t explicitly state this. The climactic discussion between Zac and his father is one in which “homosexual” or “gay” is never stated, but is explicitly implied. Much like the 2016 film “Moonlight,” C.R.A.Z.Y. is one that largely meets approval based on how little sexuality is on display. This might refer to Guy Lodge’s (2017) criticism that in order for queer cinema to succeed in the west it needs to be sexless. In discussing “Moonlight” Lodge pointed out “it’s hard to imagine an equally accomplished yet more explicit film receiving the same acclaim.” The same can be said of C.R.A.Z.Y. Even though C.R.A.Z.Y. is a French-Canadian film, it is still quite Americanized in its presentation. Homosexuality can be talked about, but it can’t fully be on display.

This also means that the film risks being part of what Suzanne Walters (2014) refers to as “the tolerance trap.” Walters argues that gay visibility alone is not a sign of progress. “Acceptance is the handmaiden of tolerance, and both are inadequate, and even dangerous, for accessing real social inclusion…” (p. 3) C.R.A.Z.Y. has been praised substantially. It is one of a small number of films on Rotten Tomatoes to have a 100% rating (it is the only LGBTQ film to have such a rating). This praise may not have the same back-patting praise that a film such as “Brokeback Mountain,” has, but it still has the air of “tolerance,” to it. Zac spends the majority of the film either in the closet or repressed--unable to act on his sexuality in any regard. The main point of the movie is his father’s acceptance. This is the goal of the movie--to establish Gervais’s acceptance of his son. Once this is achieved and the “war” between them is over, the movie concludes. Considering that the movie itself ends in the year 1981, this means the movie does not have to deal with the AIDS crisis that will soon follow.

C.R.A.Z.Y. is a film more concerned with visibility and identity, but does not seek to apply this in a manner that would deem the film too “political.” This approach more to acceptance and identity helps a little, but it isn’t quite enough, even in 2005. It’s certainly better than what the the championed mainstream film “Brokeback Mountain” was. However, the obsession with tolerance, acceptance, and the lack of engaging politically with struggles beyond the personal makes a film like C.R.A.Z.Y. only really appear daring at what it does. It’s feels like more than window dressing because it comes across as more authentic. This certainly allows audiences to empathize with Zac, but it also stands to leave the audience with the belief that empathy and acceptance is all that is required when engaging with LGBTQ people. It’s a lot like saying, “I don’t care if your gay, bisexual or attracted to buildings! You’re still my son and love you!” From a personal standpoint this sounds just fine, but it does not show that one would stand up and fight for LGBTQ rights, or fight to enact change. Rather it shows that one can engage in individual forms of acceptance and tolerance, but that once something more is required than simply the personal, audiences may not necessarily be willing to rise up and do something. This could be, as Doty (1993) notes, because the “queer operates within the nonqueer” (pp. 3). C.R.A.Z.Y. may not have been as big of a mainstream hit as “Brokeback Mountain,” but the intent was still to reach a much wider audience. This is something that the film cannot do if it’s “too political.” This would risk alienating a section of the audience. In order for a film like C.R.A.Z.Y. to find mainstream success, it needs to be seen as acceptable by dominant power structures. This involves not necessarily challenging those structures, which is why the film’s messages are more individualistic and personalized.

References

Doty, A. (1993) “Something queer here,” in Making things perfectly queer (pp. 1-16). University of Minnesota Press.

Doty, A. (1993) “Whose Text is it Anyway,” in Making things perfectly queer (pp. 17-38). University of Minnesota Press.

Dow, B. (2001) Ellen, television, and the politics of gay and lesbian visibility, Critical Studies in Media Communication, 18(2) 123-140. doi: 10.1080/07393180128077

Joyrich, L. (2014). Queer television studies: Currents, flows, and (main) streams. Cinema Journal, 53(2), (pp. 133-139). doi:

Lodge, G (2017, January 5). “Does Moonlight show gay cinema has to be sexless to succeed?” The Guardian. Retrieved from https://www.theguardian.com/film/2017/jan/05/does-moonlight-prove-that-gay-cinema-has-to-be-sexless-to-succeed

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#queermediastudies #crazy #queeridentity

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lux-i-fer · 5 years

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hello there, i have a question for you and well to your followers if they want to reply there, do you think as a christian is wrong to watch lucifer? cause honestly i didn't see it that way until a friend tell me it was wrong and now i don't know if i should watch s4 or not, it make me feel a little guilty idk, what do you think? im sorry if i bother or if this seem stupid i'm 15 and i go to a catholic school so haha i still need a lot to learn i guess

The short answer? No.

Never feel like your faith-based questions are stupid. They’re important questions that you actually need to have. As you get older, your relationship to God will start to change and it’s important to get answers now so your faith can still support you in the future.

I haven’t practiced my faith in a long time, but I still consider myself Christian so from one Christian to another, here’s my long answer: never feel guilty about watching a show like Lucifer. The Bible preaches forgiveness of our sins, redemption for our most wretched, and benevolent love for ourselves and others. All of these attributes are in Lucifer. At its core, Lucifer is a show about redemption and salvation. The Devil, evil incarnate, wants to become a better man. I don’t think God would frown upon anyone trying to make positive changes, even if that person is the Devil himself.

If you’re feeling guilty because you’re watching a show where they paint the Devil in a flattering light, just remember that half of the time, Lucifer is depicted in the worst light possible. He may be our protagonist/anti-hero, but he is in no way the audience’s role model. Multiple characters including Dan, Chloe, and Ella have all viewed Lucifer’s most “desirable” traits (smoking, alcoholism, drug use, hedonism to the point of isolation and avoidance, and even his wealth) as harmful at one point or another. Lucifer constantly messes up and constantly says the wrong thing. However, like I said before, that doesn’t make him irredeemable. He’s always stressing things like consent (see 1x10) and always want to make sure other people are cared for before he indulges. Lucifer is always honest and, while he enjoys punishment from time to time, does not like seeing innocent people hurt. In fact, Lucifer almost kills himself grieving for Uriel’s murder in 2x05 and 2x06.

On that note, the show promotes good mental health and seeking help (whether it’s faith-based or therapy-based) when you find yourself in a situation you can’t pull yourself out of. The show wants you to talk about the things it’s difficult to talk about. Lucifer hits on self-hatred, guilt, and the importance of forgiving yourself. All of these things, while unpleasant, are healthy things to discuss in order to help us reach spiritual satisfaction.

Additionally, Lucifer as a show has some good role models for Christians. Ella is a very faith-driven character without pushing her beliefs onto others, as well as accepting others’ viewpoints. In 1x09 we see Father Frank, another very positive Christian figure. He accepts Lucifer and even views him as worthy of forgiveness in the eyes of God. Even God himself is never really depicted as “bad” per-say. Lucifer hurls a few insults here and there, but that is not reflective of the show itself.

I say watch season 4 and take notes. I honestly think every Christian should watch Lucifer. It’s probably the most Christian show out there right now. It has all of Christianity’s main beliefs and it presents them in a way that’s very easy to comprehend. It’s a show that teaches us love and compassion (see 1x12, 2x07, 2x12) and it’s also a show that teaches us that everyone deserves a chance at redemption in their current life and the afterlife.

#anon #ask #lucifer on netflix #s4 #faith

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shellybeebee · 5 years

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I completed my first dream when I was 16. I remember thinking well I’ve completed a dream. And it felt magical, but then it was over, and I wondered well I guess I’ll have to have another dream, but to know that the feeling is all that I made it to be and that once it’s over it’ll be back to square one it truly drove me to a dark place. A place that made me question my own happiness, and that I didn’t want fleeting happiness like after a night of drinking with good friends or a fun day.

I wanted a happiness that I would wake up and say “ yes, I get to live another day, and I am happy” So quickly did I spiral with having such a thought. I kept asking “ why aren’t you happy? You have everything?” And I did besides a broken family, terrible communication skills, and an inability to love myself without trying to prescribe a physical worth to myself.

You see all the time that so-and-so is worth a net worth, and you go... well then what about me? Even to die will cost 7 grand.

I became exhausted everyday trying to work and work to make myself try and believe if I worked hard enough I would get somewhere. There was some truth to that because I did learn a lot. However the cost of pursuing such things isn’t worth it.

I would stare across a bridge every night leaving work dreaming of jumping and it all to be over. I would put myself in tears to think of such things, but it felt like it would be such a relief. To the point I had to go to the doctor and demand that I can’t do this anymore.

They put me on lexapro and I got into therapy. That was only the beginning of a very long journey.

When you walk around pretending everything is okay with a smile because your soul cannot bear to see another soul unhappy like yourself you give the world to them. Even if you don’t have it. Because you want to believe it.

Until they tell you that you make them happy everyday with your smile and you cry because you can’t make yourself happy.

I realized going through the motions that well... nothing brought me lasting happiness. I even went back to a job I hated to prove this to myself that I can find happiness admits the chaos, and I did. Leaving there a second time I wasn’t given the harsh goodbye I did before, but a wow you’ve changed and I will miss you.

It was after that and a little vacation and strong intentions that I gave up all the dreams I had in life. I had focused on my getting better and made a promise to the universe that if it takes me my entire life to figure this out then so be it.

I need to pass on the info because too many of my loved ones and myself are suffering from these mental illnesses.

What happened next. I will never forget, and I’m sure you will think, maybe she mentally broke? I thought so too, but the only way to describe it was that I felt like Lucy from the movie Lucy. The only thing I do is smoke weed and drink here and there.

April 14th I came out as an atheist. I was tired of hiding it and I’m surrounded by a Christian community. To everyone. Even telling my parents and close friends how I was involved with my cousin in sex play when I was younger and felt guilt about it and torment about it. Though I found many children do this. My body was stuck in a freeze mode because when it happened I went with it instead of saying I don’t want to do this, and it tormented me since it happened. I’ve even talked to my cousin after blocking her. She is one of my dearest friends even though that happened. For it takes two to tango.

I ripped my nail twice speaking these things. Then I went and saw my brother and his girlfriend and I hugged and apologized for disappearing because again when a relationship withers it’s because 2 didn’t make an effort and if one did then shame on the other, unless it was toxic and you needed space.

We spoke and I even asked if I came off manic because I felt like I could be. Like a flood of dopamine came into my brain and my depression and anxiety gone. She said there had to be a higher power and we talked of astrology and how even astrology was real, and for the first time I believed her. I realized no the astrology we created isn’t real, but astrology is if you see it as prophecies I came to learn.

Then we turned on the TV and notre dame was burning as moments ago it said. I said “ let it burn” what good has the Catholic Church done, but compile money and lead people astray” God’s church is us and I began rebuking my statements as an atheist to everyone I said it to.

I said to them “I can feel him” and it changed my perspective on everything”

I then went to whole foods and everyone was so nice to me, oddly nice, I live in mass and most people treat me like I’m invisible and some did... to a literal point where I was like “behind you” (I’m a chef so I feel inclined). The woman at the register asked how I was doing and we chatted and then she asked again how I was doing. I was weirded out and said “very good” I looked around to see if anyone noticed, but they were all distracted. She said “ You made it through the madness, good for you” and I was on my way. A few other said things that resided in my as my soul no longer was heavy carrying such burdens. Some even told me I was confused when I spoke of the things that happened.

He revealed so much to me and I realized who my enemy was. I even burnt sage shouting that I was a child of God and you are not welcomed here. In my garage I heard shaking and a squeal but no movement to even place where it was. I was shook.

I’m okay if you don’t believe me. Old me wouldn’t believe me either. She was quite the If I see it I’ll believe it kinda girl. The kinda girl who accepted that this may be all that’s it and end up brain dead in the grave so make sure you live your life. The kind that didn’t believe in anything, except maybe evolution and adaptability. So I get it I truly do.

A girl who was much more into the darker side of spirituality even told me one night out that I was protected after the rock in my necklace fell out on the floor. I didn’t understand what she meant.

I went to a friend a very close one much more of a Christian than I who got into a terrible accident and I think that’s what woke her up, and she told me that people are waking up. Instantly I said your right and started explaining what I believe and her eyes looked at mine in fear/aw because she said it took her a while to learn such things. That Christ was merely a man who was able to tap into God because Christ was the epitome of who we were meant to be. gods. In the old testimont in Isaiah it says we were gods of the earth, but Satan has made us lose the way through our desires to have and be without God and feel like all we do is through ourselves.

We are quite mistaken for God and Satan are energies as the world and universe is. So we either go on God’s path for us and give in completely or be subjected to Satan’s chaotic world where nothing makes sense besides thinking shit happens.

I never cared when I died. I thought it would be 25, and alas I am 25 I just didn’t realize the death I would experiance wasn’t physical, but earthly.

I continue to seek to be more like Christ and beg for forgiveness when I think I’ve done things myself. That is my testimony, and I hope you may see there is always a way because there is always a will.

God Bless your souls, he loves us all. Even when we turn away.

#vulnerability comes healing #healing #mental health #recovery #ptsd #narcisistic abuse #god is good #testimony #believe me or not Idk #already been told that im crazy #im okay with that #im finally happy #every fucking day #because God is real and he is so fucking good #Death will not take us

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howwelldoyouknowyourmoon · 5 years

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Why I Am Not A Unificationist

I’ve been a Unificationist since childhood. From then, until I was around 19, I had to eat all of the sadomasochism fed by Rev. Moon. My new Father. My new Messiah. I’ll take some time to go through them, but please be patient. I had been told that God was some sort of compulsive crybaby whose universe was forever torn asunder because two naked teenagers had pre-maritial sex in a garden. A step up from the apple and snake, I admit, but the Garden of Eden is still a myth no matter how you spin it.

Anyways, I was also told that human history was a convenient series of failures on behalf of the human race to understand the infinite sorrows of God. The Church painted said God, interestingly enough, as quite impotent. He was a servant to some pseudo-scientific law, called the Divine Principle: a lugubrious, confusing, absurd, and comical attempt to plaster Moon’s idiotic theology onto human history. Neon Genesis Evangelion’s myths made more sense.

I’m not quite sure if the Divine Principle was supposed to be a moral law or not, but I certainly was given that impression. I would be horrified and disgusted if the Principle was by any stretch of the imagination considered moral. This so-called morality dictated that again, because two naked teenagers had pre-marital sex in a garden, the Biblical wars against various tribes, the Crucifixion of Jesus, the Fall of Rome, both World Wars, the Holocaust, the Korean War, and numerous other tragedies, in the Bible and in history, were ordained by the Divine Principle to occur as payment for indemnity, or global karma. The Principle has weird ideas on proportionality. I don’t think that even Zeus, at the height of his maliciousness, would have approved of such a doctrine, so it would be doubly discouraging if a loving and compassionate God did.

Why then does Moon praise the Principle with such fervor? Even it was true, it should have been condemned and resisted, even if the effort was futile. Of course, there’s always the idea that the Principle is brutally objective, but then, I don’t recall Newton’s Three Laws of Motion or the Pythagorean Theorem bluntly putting persons into sides of God or Satan.

Again, I swallowed this nonsense in my elementary years – I didn’t know any better. I think that I was still watching Power Rangers. So all of this made me very terrified of sex. Moon had a cute obsession with sex. If you don’t believe me, just look up the instructions for the 3-day ceremony. It’s quite revealing. He also said that if a pretty woman attempts to touch your penis, you should kick her 1,000 miles and God will praise you for it, but I’ll touch on his sexism later.

He just could not stop going on about the sexual organs and how they were at the center of the universe, or something like that. Easy enough to pledge abstinence when you’re young, but after puberty, I felt like I was walking in a nightmare. No sex until after I married, and Lord knew when that was going to happen. No choking the chicken, either, but when I did get the occasional slip of the wrist, so-to-speak, my whole being filled with guilt, as if I had committed a crime against God and joined the ranks of Satan.

I realize that abstinence is quite common among many Christians and even Muslims in this country, but at least they are allowed to date! Yes, because God certainly doesn’t want His Children engaging in the evil of DATING. Okay, so women were off limits until I married. At least I got to choose my wife. Oh, what’s that? My wife could be chosen for me? We might barely know each other before getting married? She might not even speak English? There could be a waiting period before having SEX? You know, there’s a word for people who have a peculiar interest in other people’s sex lives, they’re called perverts, and Rev Moon was certainly among them. Lord knows the countless unintentional pregnancies, STI infections, and abortions his teachings may have prevented had he taught instead about the options of masturbation and birth control.

Speaking of sexuality, Rev Moon was diseased with homophobia. I am sorry to say that I caught this disease as well. Moon referred to homosexuals once as dung-eating dogs and homosexuality as an activity that attracts Satan. He also said that those who love dung eating dogs, ergo people who support gay rights, will produce that quality of life. I’ve heard some homophobic statements from Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson, but Moon’s hate speech sounds like something you’d hear from Neo-Nazis. Yeah, I went there, but Moon’s words were straight up dehumanizing and condemnable. NO group of people deserve to be described in that fashion. Also, Moon himself said that Hitler and Stalin were reborn as new beings, and they declared him the messiah. So he seems to think quite a bit of their opinions.

In any case, many religions still have trouble with treating homosexuals as equals, and that’s a shame. I repeat, a shame. Moon could have learned a thing from Desmond Tutu. Even the 14th Dalai Lama supports gay marriage and Pope Francis, who does not like homosexuality, says that the Church has no right to interfere with the spiritual lives of gays and that he has no authority to judge gay Catholics. I grew out of homophobia after I grew out of Moon.

Then there’s this whole damned idea of Rev Moon being the Messiah. Hell, anyone can claim that. Just ask Father Divine, Marshall Applewhite, Elijah Muhammad, Jim Jones, or L. Ron Hubbard. We all know the story. Jesus asked Moon to take up the cross and suffer for humanity as the first True Parent. The whole idea being that Jesus was supposed to get married as opposed to being crucified. Now I wouldn’t force crucifixion on my worst enemy, but marriage on the other hand, should be a choice, not a requirement for joining heaven, as Moon teaches. I think that most people are comfortable with the parents that they already have, and don’t need fanatical ones from Korea.

What makes Moon so special that he should be the Messiah, anyways? It’s his word against mine. Surely, Jesus didn’t expect Moon to convince people on word alone. Except that he apparently did. To be honest, I believed that Moon was the Messiah out of pity. He does deserve some. His home country was torn apart before his eyes, and he had to suffer atrocious accommodations in a North Korean prison camp. No one should have to go through that. The pressure was all around me to convert. Certainly I wouldn’t turn against a man who suffered so much. Before I knew it, I was bowing before photographs and reading books I could hardly understand at six in the morning. For those who want a better idea of what I am talking about, check out the film, “Ticket To Heaven.” Moon, however, had a habit of romanticizing Korea as the center of the world. I don’t hate Korea. It’s a fine nation, but not a holy one. Since Moon cast North Korea as Satan and South Korea as God, he probably forgot to mention that “God’s” nation had brutal dictators like Park Chung-hee.

I could also go on about how, in face of separation of church and state, Moon crowned himself like a king in the Dirksen Senate Office Building, how he implored Americans to forgive Nixon who sabotaged the Vietnam Peace Talks in 1968, how he founded the Washington Times which spews climate change denial, and how he had at least one affair while dictating other people’s sex lives, but I think I’ve made my point. Moon is no more of a messiah than my dead goldfish. If you still want a Korean to admire, try Kim Dae-Jung.

In closing, you may wonder what exactly liberated me from my slave-masters? It was a woman named Nansook Hong, whose book I would implore all of you to read. She married Moon’s first son, Hyo Jin, and suffered unspeakable abuse, both mental and physical. When Moon was told of these things, he blamed her for not being a good wife. This is the sexism I was referring to earlier. Moon was more concerned about his magnanimous legacy than about the domestic abuse of his daughter-in-law. As I read her testimony and followed her journey, I found myself going through a similar one. By the last page, I left the church and freed myself from the depressing theology of Rev Moon. I live a happy life now. I’m not very religious, but I don’t hate religion.

Moon didn’t learn a lot from religion. Many Jewish scholars see the Old Testament stories as metaphors to learn from, not literal historical events representing the Cain and Abel dichotomy. If Moon really understood Jesus, he would have lived more like Gandhi, Tolstoy, or even Shaliene Woodley, as opposed to Donald Trump or John D. Rockefeller. The Qur’an opposes collective punishment for crimes done by others and would be disgusted with ideas like indemnity. While both Buddhism and Hinduism see atheism or agnosticism as acceptable spiritual paths, Buddhism more so. Moon denounced godlessness as Satanic.

I would like to thank HWDYKYM for giving me a healthy space to express these thoughts. As you can see by the length of this, they’ve been bubbling beneath the surface for some time now. I know that I may not have not have gotten everything right as far as Moon’s doctrine is concerned. I simply speak from my own experience – what I was taught, what I had believed. I hold no ill will towards current members, by the way. Many of them are still beloved members of my friends and family, just don’t expect me to go to workshops.

Sun Myung Moon’s theology used to control members

Divine Principle – Parallels of History

Sun Myung Moon – Restoration through Incest

Moon’s Theology of the Fall, Tamar, Jesus and Mary

Nansook Hong, transcripts of three interviews

Nansook Hong In The Shadow Of The Moons, part 1

#Nansook Hong #Divine Principle #Sun Myung Moon

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halli-in-thailand · 6 years

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“Hello, God? It’s me.”

I’ve read Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert twice and watched the movie about a hundred times. As cliche as it has become, I admire her vulnerability and bravery, and as I continue on my personal path to understanding myself, I identify with Liz in different ways most days.

In one scene, Liz describes her “Hello God” moment which I have heard many people reference in their own lives where they decide to talk to God. There are a lot of feelings involved in conferencing with God when we have ignored Him for any part, or sometimes all, of our lives.

For me it was fear, guilt, feeling of undeserving, yet a desire to be “sure” and a strong feeling of love and yearning to be with Him.

I was raised Catholic and was a strong participant in the church through high school and a bit into college, but I believe that is when my life and mind truly strayed, although I was no saint in high school either. (Come to find out, God loved me this whole time! We’ll get to that later.”) I spent a long time feeling that since I could not know for sure, no one knows for sure, I could not dedicate my life and heart to one truth. I committed myself to learning about all beliefs.

When I came to Thailand I had no intention of turning back to God, and in fact, I was excited to learn about Buddhism and religion in other cultures firsthand. I went to religious events and ceremonies, even going through the motions at the temple and meditating/praying at times.

But, as they say, God works in mysterious ways. After 3-4 months of going to temples and then moving to a Muslim community and attending prayer over Ramadan, I found myself wanting to talk with God again.

It was really hard for me to release my pride and trust Him. I struggled with accepting that Jesus was more than a prophet or just another man of the times who called himself God. But really the only option was for me to ask God about these things for no one else truly knows the answers.

I started with prayer, conversation with Christian friends, and bits of the Bible.

My friend, Christalynn, prayed over me one day in a hard time over voice messages on Facebook messenger. I felt that deeply, way more than I had expected. A new friend, Christopher, has recently found God, was very supportive throughout the process, giving me guidance through the Bible and praying with me and over me with patience when I wasn’t ready. I have some amazing role models who live life through Christ in the Peace Corps. I asked to join a Facebook group and reached out to another wonderful man, Gabriel, who truly walks with God and has been showing me what that means since the day I met him. My friend Bethany showed me what God means to her and helped me get over some of my fears of the God I thought I had to know instead of the God I already know in my life. I started talking with others in the faith more and more.

There’s a great app called YouBible that has many plans depending on what you are interested in exploring. I chose to explore the concepts of faith and finding God.

I started turning to prayer whenever I thought of God, then integrated prayer into my yoga routine, then created a reminder twice a day to create a habit, and now I pray all the time and aim to walk with Him in every step.

What’s so cool is that He loves me all the time, even when I forget and treat people poorly or treat myself poorly or neglect Him, he still loves me. Even though I was constantly thinking of ways that I felt I needed to be better, He was already in love with me as I am. He loves me so much that He sacrificed His only child. Think about how much love a parent has for their child. He sent his child to DIE ON A CROSS, so that I could sin, be forgiven, and still live forever in His glory. WOW!

There are still so many things that I’m not “sure” of, I still feel that I don’t deserve His unconditional love, I’m still afraid of Him. But I’m here and my heart is open and I go to Him instead of seeking the strength within myself because I truly do not have it without Him.

A beloved priest and friend told me years ago when I was first questioning, before I left the church,

“You are a dancer, and God is the dance.”

So now I’m just dancing and I trust Him to guide me to the next move when it’s time.

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schecterism · 6 years

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What do you think happens when people die? I'm being for real. Is there a heaven or hell? Is there a God? P.s. a long response is welcomed.

Well to start, i'm not sure about there being a heaven or hell. Nothing in this world is black and white, most things are the many shades of gray in between. I dont understand why you would be judged on the sum of your life decisions and given a place to reside for the rest of eternity based on this. I dont believe theres a cloud-filled kingdom; nor a fire-pit where you're poked by the devil for the rest of forever. I think there's something much more complicated than that, and its not as simple as it sounds. I think everyone has a soul, and that their soul's presence can have purpose after life is over. i've had my own experiences with my dad who passed away that confirm this for me (personally). I see him in my dreams a lot, and almost each time he appears, I know its him, or at the very least his presence. it hard to explain, and im sure i sound crazy (or grieving i suppose), but I sincerely believe he watches over me or at least can move his "presence" into my dreams. those dreams always feel so different compared to others. My thoughts on God? I dont know. I dont have any sort of concrete belief or religion. There's no possible way for me to know, so I dont think about it that much. I dont believe in a shred of the bible, or that theres a man in the sky with a beard who reads our sins and decides who's worthy of his kingdom. I believe in the possibility of some kind of creator, but I dont know enough or care enough to have any real concrete thought about it. Do I worry about it? Yes. I have what I guess people would call "catholic guilt" (except i was raised a Christian). It makes me worry about "sinning" and whether or not God's watching me. I resent my family for making me learn these things that fuel self-hatred and judgement so easily.What happens when we die? I dont know, but I hope nothing too bad. One of my major fears is death (which is ironic because i used to want it more than anything). I cant help but wonder throughout the day if it's gonna be one of my last. I'm a bit morbid in that way, i suppose. When i think about what happens during death, i'm plagued with these thoughts of my dad: "did he know it was happening?" "did it hurt really bad?" "did he see anything crazy? Or did he warp straight to heaven or wherever it is our consciousness goes?" I dont know, and i dont know if I wish i did know. The thing I hate the most about death is that it takes everything you've worked at, every memory you have, your personal opinions, thoughts, ideas, dreams, and it just sweeps it all away, wipes it into nothing. When you die, that's it for you. You are nothing. (probably). And when you die you cant help but leave people torn, broken, and completely depressed. And I'd hate for my family to feel that way. I've flirted with death many times, and none of them have been pleasant. I've been to that last breath of life, then somehow kept breathing. I've been inches away from dying in the sun, but somehow it didnt happen. It's made me grateful, but too afraid. I'm constantly worrying im gonna be right back at that spot, reaching out for life, trying to grasp at it. It's scary and I dont want to go through it again. But I certainly will at some point, and that's gonna be it. The one guarantee of life is Death.Thank you for the evocative ask, anon :) I know it turned a bit morbid, but I'm glad I had some time to think critically and give you my opinions. Sorry it was so long (and weird)! i hope you have a good life c:

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imherenowarenti · 7 years

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Coffee with God

Of the long list of questionable things I’ve done in my short life, including the time I tried washing a part of my face with a Mr.Clean sponge (which, fortunately, only caused some dry patches of skin. And was cured with a good cream. My friends had a good laugh at me.). What I’ve done on the 8th of August in the year of 2017, might just top that list.

About a week and a half prior to that date I was approached by two Korean women. I didn’t think much of it at first, I thought they must be tourists asking for directions, which happens often. But these women have come to talk to me about God (wanting to give me directions apparently) Now, my family is Catholic, I am well aware of God, but I spared them the few minutes I could kill. Seeing I had nothing to do until I had to go meet my friend. So while sitting on the top of a terrace of a mall in Ottawa, I watched this introduction video to the World Mission Society Church of God.

The World Mission Society Church of God was first founded, although not under that name, in 1964, in South Korea, by a man who goes by the name of Ahn Sahng-Hong. He, by the way, grew up in a Buddhist family and later joined the seven-day Adventist (a church that has faced a lot of criticism for unorthodox practice) and then founded his own church, Witness of Jesus church of God. He preached that he was showing the true teachings of the Bible, that mainstream churches have strayed from the path of truth. He went further and said that the second coming of Christ (or of God) has happened and he has come in the form of himself. Yes, ladies and gentleman, he is back and he is so conveniently in the man who formed the church, quite the miracle. And after his death in 1985, God has transferred himself inside of Jang Gil-Ja. The Co-Founder, along side Kim Joo-Cheol, of what is now known today as the World Mission Society Church of God. Neat right?

The church has been said to have a very effective tactic to make you join their church: fear and a big serving of guilt, not entirely uncommon for Christianity. By chance, their guilt tactic has worked on me. Because for the light of me I don't know why I agreed to meet them again. It must have been the promise of a free cup of coffee, that or the inability to say no. Whatever the reason, during this second meeting the women brought with them their English speaking friend. He then spent two hours teaching me about the bible. Specifically, he talked about the passage concerning the wheat and the weeds. This passage, as I was informed was to let the people know that lies have been placed in religion.

The first lie he talked about was that modern Christianity has added pagan traditions, like Christmas (a holiday to worship the sun) and Easter (a holiday to worship the goddess of fertility and of the sun- ancient civilization had a thing for the sun. But who can blame them, it is the source of all life.). They no longer stay to the one celebration that should be done, which is the pass over*.

And the second lie, according to their teachings, is that the true holy day, the day on which you celebrate and worship God was not on the Sunday of every week but actually on Saturday. They called this the sabbath day, and again, the fact that it was moved to Sunday has its sources in Paganism. It was placed as a day to worship the sun, and of course, heretic.

And that was that, I left with a promise I’d meet them again for coffee and more bible talk. At this point, I decided to keep going because the information did interest me, from a historical point of view. Not to mention I’ve never had encounters with people of such groups, and I guess you can say I was curious about what they were all about.

On our third meeting, (this being the 8th of August) the same group came to meet me on a campus of a university. This time we sat down and he started talking about Daniel. Daniel was a priest during the Babylonian time that, with the help of God, interpreted the king Nebuchadnezzar’s dream. The king’s dream was said to be a prophecy, telling him of the rise and fall of several kingdoms.**It further said that an evil will come to lead astray God’s people. The evil that is going to lead the world astray is, according to WMSCG, is the papacy. They believe that the devil has come back in the form of the pope and the Roman Catholic church. This, admittedly, floored me. All the things about celebrations that are not originally part of Christianity didn't really come as a surprise. But saying the pope is the devil is quite the accusation. But they have proof, in Daniel’s dream he brings up four ways to recognize this evil. These being: One, he will speak against the Most High, second he will oppress his holy people, thirdly he will try to change the set times and the laws. Lastly, the holy people will be delivered into his hands for a time, times and half a time. At the time the prophecy was explained to me, It all made great sense, although now I can’t make heads or tail of it.

And after this, it takes a strange turn, because after the big revelation that the pope is the devil. I was dropped quite a bomb of a question. “Do you want to get baptized today? because you never know what might happen.” I’m sure at that point I must have looked like a deer caught in the head lights, and they thought that to be very funny. I spent a good minute to try and figure out if they were being serious, and they were completely serious. And then I spent another minute to weight out my options. The conclusion I came to is: “well I don't have any other plans today.”. So I found myself in a car with three other people listening to dull music and seriously wondering if I should be placed in a mental institution. After a short ten minute drive, in which I started to silently laugh like a maniac, we arrived in a residential area. They haven’t found a place of worship yet, so their place of operation was an in a nice one-floor house with an open concept and finished basement.

The baptism itself wasn’t bad. I was asked to step in a bathroom, where I had to change into a robe specifically for the baptism. I then kneeled inside a bathtub where one of the men there started reciting a prayer, I only had to say Amen at the indicated time. At that point I was shaking a bit but for two reasons. The first was because the coffee I had earlier was starting to have an effect, the second because I was having a hard time from stopping myself from laughing. Right at the moment, as the water was poured on me, I realized how absurd this situation was. Here, next to me was a man praying in a dull voice, all the while the people outside the washroom were signing. I was participating in something I did not believe in along side people I barely knew. But, alas I was able to go through it and the baptism was finished with no fuss or notice of my laughing state. I was then asked to fill in this sheet, because even religion needs a signup sheet, and then went to have the pass over. With no wine, unfortunately.

And so here I was a full fledged cult member. Well maybe the word cult is too strong, the politically correct thing to say would be a religious movement. And just by looking there doesn't seem to be anything wrong with this religious movement, the members all seemed nice and genuine. Although, after some research, I found out that there are reports from ex-members that the church does suspicious things. For one they constantly try to isolate their members from people on the outside. Yes they do have jobs and they can walk around town, but they are often pressured them into spending all their free time at church and studying the bible. Often families with a relative in the Church say that they don’t see that person anymore and when they do, those people tend to criticize their beliefs. Secondly, the members are encouraged to give 10-15% of their paycheque to the church. That is a lot of money if your church has over 150 000 members. Lastly, they exercise a lot of control over their members, choosing who their members marry or date. Going as far as telling a person to get an abortion if they wanted it. And of course they have to, or else you can find yourself being kicked out. It’s complete obedience and devotion or nothing. It seems just a weekend option for the casual cult goer is not available. Not to mention, they often treat the women of their church like children, myself have been more than once addressed in a condescending tone by the men I’ve had contact with.

My story with the WMSCOG ended shortly for my part, since that day I’ve never gone back to that house nor have I met with them outside. I was invited to come to worship but I ignored them, I decided it would not be worth it not even on a learning level all the while knowing I'd make my family worry. I’ve also blocked them through all ways of communications they’ve had with me. I was never worried about ever being ‘stuck’ in the Church. My motives were that of pure curiosity and not in a search for a path. But I can’t stop myself from thinking about the amount of people who have fallen in the fear of the end and have traded their life for a promise of an eternal life. About how many families have lost a son, aunt, cousin, to a cause that often tries to prey on the victims and the confused. I was lucky, but there are some that aren’t and there are some, when they leave the church find themselves feeling scared or guilty. I feel bad for those two women who first approached me, because they are so nice but so naive and how, no matter what I could tell them they wouldn't be convinced to rethink their participation in this church.

Information regarding the teachings of the WMSCG or Biblical matter Disclaimer: I am no scholar on this subject I only know what has been conveyed to me by the members I’ve met and some extra research I’ve done.

*The pass over day, in the old testament, is the day once a year where believers would paint blood on top of their front door at twilight so God would know who are his real followers. And for every house that didn’t have blood, he would punish them by killing their child (they’re first born I believe). But in the new testament, the one with Jesus, the pass over is celebrated through the last supper, and so now once a year, the people of the WMSCG have the pass over. In order to fill your soul with life. And the practice of having communion every Sunday is false.

**In the king's dream he was presented with a statue. “The head of the statue was made of pure gold, its chest and arms of silver, its belly, and thighs of bronze, 33 its legs of iron, its feet partly of iron and partly of baked clay.” Daniel, Chapter 2. In the dream, each part of the body, or metal, all represented a kingdom that has come to power. In order form head to toes: the Babylonian, the Persians, the Greek, the Roman, and lastly the division of Rome into ten kingdoms.

#religion #writting #World Mission Society Church of God #Church #Personal #Journal #story #Coffee #God #experience #learning #Bible #catholic #catholiscism #theology

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