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lunaprincipessa · 24 hours

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ENTRY 184

I found this pic and wanted to explore what it says.

Of course, I don't believe healers are limited to being only female, but I do believe as healers, they all need protectors regardless of gender.

I wanted to do a little reading and share what I was able to gather from multiple sources about the healer/protector dynamic because it truly is a marvelous one.

First off, how do we identify healers and protectors whether in ourselves or someone else? Here are some of the most common traits reported.

HEALERS

1.) Feels the pain of other people; extreme empathy present.

2.) Strangers may open up to them rather easily.

3.) Vivid dreams, daydreams, or visions.

4.) Innate or natural need to help others.

5.) Can be overwhelmed by (large) crowds.

6.) Emotional due to high sensitivity.

7.) Most likely spiritual.

8.) Struggles with anxiety.

9.) Faces depression.

10.) Excellent discernment of the energy of people around them.

11.) They are the ones to turn to for comfort.

12.) They love any object with healing properties.

13.) Often seen as the mediator.

14.) Feels exhausted after social events.

15.) Most have experienced trauma that changed their lives.

16.) Wise.

17.) Compassionate and nurturing.

PROTECTORS

1.) Maintains order.

2.) Strong sense of duty and responsibility.

3.) Meets commitments reliably.

4.) Honest.

5.) Firm and forthright.

6.) Always seeks justice.

7.) Possesses good judgment.

8.) Often seen as the advisor.

9.) Provides support to loved ones.

10.) Assures safety from perceived and actual threats.

11.) Dependable.

12.) Thorough.

13.) Loyal.

14.) Observant.

15.) Mature.

16.) Intelligent.

17.) Sharp.

Now, do I think these lists hit every single point? Nope. Do I think there's some stuff missing? Yup. But, it's still a good starting point in my view.

~A Few Things that Healers and Protectors Have in Common~

*Healers and protectors have different roles but the same goals: finding ways to make the world a better place.

*A healer is one of your tribe, one of your people that helps you survive, as is a protector.

*Healers and protectors are strategic.

Another side note that captured my attention is that it can potentially be dangerous for a healer to bring in anyone else but a protector into their personal space or place of refuge on a deeper level.

People often assume that healers fit better with broken people because that's what they often attract. While they certainly have the heart to take the challenge on, a protector would be better because while broken people take (not always maliciously), protectors shield and rejuvenate.

The healer/protector journey of companionship, with their unique energies intertwined, offers a full spectrum of a wholesome experience between two human beings. They can both learn and grow from one another. Healers remain ever present and awake to energy and the spiritual aspects of being. Protectors are hyper-aware of the physical world. Together, they're a dream team going against the tide.

Healers have been compared to the Divine Feminine and protectors to the Divine Masculine and it really is a beautiful thing to see how they can work together. What they create and build is multifaceted, displaying both strength and softness.

There is also a spiritual and physical balance in the healer/protector dynamic. Within this incredible balance, they can introduce one another to the other aspects of life they often miss or overlook. They help each other reach certain places and they even educate one another as well.

It's pure alchemy, especially when the communication between them is open, honest, and true.

While healers provide a protective force, protectors are the fighters. Both are important, both are necessary, both can thrive in each other's company. Healers are the water and protectors are the rocks. Water is powerful enough on its own but can be held and filtered by rocks, making the quality of the water that much more refreshing.

It's been mentioned a few times how they help or assist each other. I feel that's vital for the world we live in today where the majority may not understand what these two go through. Protectors and healers can continue to help each other with awareness, simply know where they're at in life.

Healers are consistently vulnerable and underserved. But they are not an object serving as an endless source of comfort. Protectors are pushed, tested, and dehumanized. But they aren't objects with no emotion, just meant to endlessly guard. They each have their own needs and need to be safe and reassured when getting those needs met. They can help each other accomplish this with ease.

More thoughts later.

#healers #protectors

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brightblessed · 1 year

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random hc/munday ask but!! in what ways do you and roi differ? personality traits? habits? did he inherit anything in particular from you, such as love for food, etc.? only answer what u feel comfortable answering tho!! no pressure hehe

@swerte (thanks ♥)

So... This is something I have thought about for a bit. I don't want to go like uncomfortably deep into it, but when I made Roi I didn't intentionally put any of myself into him. In most aspects, Roi is far more fucked up than I am. I am gonna get kinda personal here. So fair warning and please heed my content warnings on the tags.

BUT I have come to realize I have a lot of stuff in common with him. Honestly, a lot of his negative traits are just more severe versions of my own. Roi is self-destructive and I also am. My depression very much manifests as intense anger. I feel the same powerful bouts of emotion. My desire when I made Roi was to make a character that wasn't a typical hero. Of course, a lot of what Roi is now grew over me playing msq with him. At first, Roi was supposed to be the sort of person that could easily become a villain. Alot of his sharp edges softened from the original concept as I played through the game with him.

Another thing I wanted to explore with Roi was trauma/mental illness. I have been incredibly mentally ill since I was 6 years old. I had a traumatic experience happen around that time. Something that no one even believes happened to this day. After that, the world became very scary to me. It manifested as extreme anxiety and paranoia. I had always been neurodivergent but idk. Anyway, from that point on I had a lot of struggles. I feel like I didn't have a childhood because of it. Still, to this day, I feel stunted. But anyway, I had all of this shit and none of it was making me nicer or anything. So I really wanted to explore that with Roi. How trauma and mental illness can be so negative and horrible. How it can make you nasty and how much it eats at you. Feeling like you are ruined or whatever. Like there is something wrong with you and you are just a cancer on the people around you. Like obviously, Roi's crap is way worse than mine. But I discovered that writing Roi could either make me feel way better since I got to get that shit out, or WAY WORSE because I kinda experienced the pain along with him. When I made Roi in 2019, I was coming out of some really dark places in my life. Being bipolar is like, and I only have bipolar ii but like... it's always so awful. Like I know life is very much ups and downs. But idk like it feels like I have no control a lot of the time. because even if things are good, there is this fear that an episode or relapse is gonna creep up on me. And when I made Roi, I had just gone through some stupid shit. I didn't like the person that I was. I think that really got imprinted on him in a way. I could go way more into all the things I see in myself and Roi but like... In a really crazy way, when I was making Roi I wasn't thinking of it like that. But like... you know. Now that I see it, after writing him for so long, I think he really helped me realize a lot about myself. Things I needed to change. And it's actually been really positive. I know it's silly since he's MY CHARACTER but like... At some point I realized a lot of the things wrong with Roi were also things wrong with me. And I realized that I needed to try to fix it. And obviously, I don't have any magical adventures or nearly the level of trauma Roi has. But there are def echoes of him in me. And now that I know that I can try to realize when I am being toxic to myself or others. So I love watching Roi heal because... Idk I want to heal too I guess.

#⌈ ♞ ⌉ ooc. || ˟ –––– it’s topaz #swerte #/// munday #/// negative #/// mental health #/// trauma mention #/// csa mention #kinda #if you squint #i will likely delete this in 30 seconds but you know

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lost-in-sokovia · 2 years

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the danny bunch helping you with a panic attack

hiiii!! so i wrote this because i struggle with severe anxiety and panic attacks are common for me. this weekend has been absolute crap for me SO i’m writing this for myself and anyone else who struggles with anxiety out there. this is based off the symptoms i normally get with my anxiety, but i know they’re not uncommon so hopefully all of you can find some comfort in this maybe :)

alex kerner: it really doesn’t take much for him to start understanding. he notices your quietness and sort of touchiness because you’re trying to pretend nothing is happening, and when he’s like “woah hey, what’s wrong?” you just like. lose it. and he’s sort of confused but doesn’t show it as you cry and like, gasp for breath. “i know you can’t breathe but let’s just try… there, you’re doing great.” after that he’s literally the most supportive and always lets you grab him when you need to and recognizes the signs. he always tells you how proud he is of you after you’ve worked through it and you’re laying against him catching your breath as tears silently roll down your cheeks.

niki lauda: okay i have like a THING about this. at first he’s like. “??? what’s the problem?” and like doesn’t understand why tf you’re having a breakdown and being all irritable and touchy in the moment. (tbh he’s very unhelpful the first time because he’s just like “if you don’t have a specific reason to be panicking then like,,, stop?? tf??”) but he later apologizes and promises he’s going to start trying his best to help you. he lets you twist his curls and grasp his hand, “niki i feel lightheaded” “i’ve got you, i’ve got you. you’re going to be okay soon enough” and like if you get overwhelmed in public places that man literally has no shame in being like “let’s go, come on” to make you feel better because niki gives 0 craps about what people think (as we know). though he doesn’t ever fully understand it doesn’t mean he isn’t your #1 supporter

zemo: this man is? a mental health expert? a therapist?? i mean i’m sure he’s had his fair share of panic attacks and or depressive episodes, so he is like on the ball right away. don’t want to be touched? no wait you actually want to hold his hand? okay don’t touch me but talk to me- nO not that topic switch topics wrong vibe wrong vibe- this man literally deals with anything you throw at him. and when you’re embarrassed after the attack calms and you’re just kinda crying and covering your face, he’s assuring you that you aren’t a burden and he’s so proud of you for allowing yourself to feel how you needed to feel and made it through even though it was uncomfortable for you. this man doesn’t want to lose anyone else and he is just SO incredibly supportive like pls #zemoismytherapist?

andrea marowski: oh, baby boy. he probably gets freaked out that you’re freaked out the first time it happens. luckily you kinda know how to get through it as best you can by yourself, but he’s just so sad and like “i should’ve helped more i’m so useless omfg.” and personally (i apologize fellow andrea stans) i feel like he’s not as good comforting in the moment as he is after. like he gets kinda overwhelmed and nervous when you’re having a panic attack, but he’s very good at aftercare and being there for you after. he’s very cuddly and wipes your tears while you kinda hiccup and get all embarrassed. “you are the bravest person i know, i love you.” he always makes you tea and just lets you cuddle him, and even if you don’t talk much he’ll talk to you and just tell you about anything and everything which makes you feel all safe and warm and fuzzy with him🤍🤍

sorry about the lack of content i’m literally just 😀 lately i stg i’ll publish more stuff im so sorry but here’s a quick hc

#daniel bruhl x you #daniel bruhl x reader #daniel bruhl headcanons #daniel bruhl #the danny bunch #the danny bunch hc #niki lauda x reader #niki lauda x you #baron helmut zemo #zemo x reader #helmut zemo x reader #andrea marowski x reader #andrea marowski #alex kerner x reader #alex kerner

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adhbabey · 2 years

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Hello! I hope this is ok, I love your blog but I also wanted to ask you a question. You don’t have to respond if you don’t feel comfortable. I understand you can’t give a professional opinion but I’m just looking for different opinions to inform my own. I’m a 26 female with bipolar type 2. I’m being treated with mood stabilizers and it’s helped my hypomanic episodes immensely. But I still experience certain things that still make life incredibly difficult to deal with. I thought it was just heightened anxiety and depression but my sister suggested that it might be mild adhd. Even if I’m not feeling anxious I have moments where I find it very difficult to maintain focus most of the time. Even in conversations. Even if I really want to. It happens so rarely that I literally note it in my mood calendar when I do manage to maintain good focus. I always thought it was just lack of motivation. I get so attached to certain topics and subjects and frequently send whole essays about them to friends though I don’t think it’s obsessive. I don’t know if I have a short attention span but I do zone out even in normal conversations. I don’t think I have difficulties in listening but I definitely had to actively teach myself to stay focused and to actively listen and how to socialize. Poor organizational skills and poor study skills is a resounding YES for me. Especially the poor study skills. Because I always feel so confused about how exactly I’m supposed to study. I’m 26 and I still don’t know how I’m supposed to study. I used to have good grades but now in uni it’s all gone downhill. I used to describe my issue with focus like my brain was on constant static. I don’t literally HEAR static. But it’s like when you keep turning the radio toggle looking for a radio station but can’t find one and even when you do, it’s still jumbled with the static and you can’t actually comprehend anything being said. I fidget constantly. I can’t just sit, most of the time I NEED to be moving, rocking, fidget, shaking my leg/foot. I do have memory issues though I don’t know if it’s similar to ADHD memory issues. I find it difficult to finish tasks sometimes even if it’s something I like. I used to like reading but I’ll spend half an hour trying to read 2 pages before I give up because I can’t focus. Reading out loud helps but not always. My biggest issue with the idea of having adhd is that I’m not sure if I had it as a kid and adhd is something you have since childhood. It’s doesn’t suddenly develop in adults. But then again, it’s pretty common for women to be diagnosed in their late 20s during their uni years. I guess I’m just wondering if this sounds familiar to you. Thank you for listening!

Yeah, y e a h, thats definitely ADHD. I recommend you look at my adhd checklist on my pinned post if you haven't already. But lets see, here's the symptoms you pointed out,

Difficulties maintaining focus. This sounds like a big part of not being stimulated during conversation, so you feel very restless/distracted. It's not that things aren't interesting, it's that they're not engaging enough. I recommend doodling or playing with a stim toy if you want to listen better. The thing to note here is that even if you want to, you can't, not that you wont.

Getting attached to different topics, "obsessively". This is a hyperfixation, all us ND kids got one. Like mine is fantasy stuff, or divination or cats, or something. I could go on for hours about it. And doing so, is called infodumping. When you send your friends whole essays about it, it's called an infodump.

Poor organization/study skills. Yeah, I never really understood this sort of thing, and it's kind of vague. It's just something we struggle with. Like, I understand, but I can't explain this one very well, I am sorry. I just know it's a symptom tho.

Static Brain. I think this one is emotional hyperarousal. Like where your head is loud, buzzing and full of thought. Also, brain fog, where brain is blank and fuzzy. I think also linked with this is dissociation caused by understimulation(just zoning out). Head full also can be when you're thinking about your hyperfixation, all that dopamine go zoom.

Fidgeting constantly. Yeah, this is just a physical hyperactivity symptom. Fidgeting/stimming is just how it goes. I've been there,,, thats my whole existence.

Memory issues. We have issues with working memory specifically. It's best if you look this one up, I'm not very good at explaining and google may help you better than me. But an example just now is just, me struggling to remember to look up "working memory" just now, as I switched to another tab. Though, memory issues is a symptom of a lot of disorders in the neurodivergent space.

Difficulties finishing tasks. Yeah this is Executive Dysfunction. And having a hard time reading can be you being overwhelmed or stressed. So take a break, make sure you're stimulated, and then try reading again. Don't force yourself if you're not in the best headspace. Like try watching a video first.

And yeah, I wasn't diagnosed until 22, last year, but I figured it out that in university, I was failing really bad due to lack of structure in my environment, and knew that something was up.

I'm sure you've had symptoms in childhood, just didn't know what they were. All of these problems are lifelong in some aspects. Especially with comorbid disorders like anxiety and depression. Also if you have had sleep problems since you were a child, thats also common. So yeah, it sounds like ADHD to me.

#babey asks #adhd symptoms #also the whole walls of text vs inability to read #both adhd traits

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caguaydreams · 4 years

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A thorough analysis on why Vah Medoh’s dungeon theme makes me want to cry

Yep, that’s an accurate title. Hi there! do you have a moment to hear about Breath of The Wild soundtrack? posting for yet a third time in hopes that tumblr won't hide it. I'm so tired

What started as a quick and harmless post, pretending to simply point out a couple of things, rolled downhill, out of my grasp and turned into a massive snowball of a short essay. How and why did this happen? Well, I assume a lot of people know about this song, and know what I’m talking about when I say that it makes me tear up and sob uncontrollably with every change in key as the seconds tick by and I spiral down into a dwell of misery from where I struggle to find the exit and to later recover.

……No?…..At the VERY LEAST it makes you a little uncomfortable. And I state this with much certainty, because after reading hundreds of comments everywhere online where this song is present, I picked up on a vast majority of people who expressed to feel the same way I did when it came down to our current music subject. See, statistics don’t lie… normally. So, naturally, my intrigue got the best of me. I wanted to find out exactly why this soundtrack was mercilessly stirring up everyone’s emotions, so I caved in and we ended up with this.

Buckle in, fellas.

Out of all Divine Beasts’ dungeon themes, Vah Medoh’s is the one that I can’t sit through. Not without growing antsy and wanting to turn it off as soon as possible. I find it genuinely difficult to listen to, and it’s not only because Revali is my favorite character and the song is just, plainly put, depressing, mind you.

We’ll start from 0 terminals activated.

It opens up similar to the other three dungeon themes; the pace is slow but eerie, gives off the impression that it sounds broken somehow. Something is off here, and it’s easy to figure out what that is from the get go: you’re basically entering a majestic, ancient, mechanical mausoleum, where everything went terribly wrong a century ago. Someone is gone, someone you knew, someone who was probably close to you, but it’s impossible to be sure. You don’t remember a thing, and this entire ordeal is confusing at best, and terrifying at worst. It’s your duty to make things right again.

It’s the same for all four Divine Beasts upon entering, save for the obvious little differences that separates them from each other and make them unique. Ruta’s is played on a major key, adhering to a sense of hopefulness. Naboris’s begins with a startling smashing of the piano keys, much like thunder of a sudden lighting strike. And Rudania’s theme starts threatening, dangerous, like scalding lava.

But now, back to Vah Medoh. The tone here is… alienating. The dissonant chords are all over the place, and feel disconnected, cold. It’s almost as if someone doesn’t want us to be here, or just like the elusive key, our presence is unexpected. Fitting, for a Divine Beast that’s high above the land, impossible for most to reach, yet we somehow made it. Apart from the piano, we have the occasional hint to rito culture, in the shape of a short, synthetic version of the rolled chords at the very beginning of Rito Village. A quiet reminder of where we come from. There is also, of course, the morse code distress signal, but we’ll talk more about that later.

As soon as this formal introduction is over, we finally get to the more, say, intimate stuff. Oh, and wouldn’t you know, it’s just tragic.

One terminal activated.

There’s no better short way I can describe this passage, other than anxiety-inducing. Especially when the strings come into play, and there’s two reasons I can think of why I feel this is an important thing to point out:

1- Characters and Symbolism.

I tend to associate stringed instruments, all of those which compose the violin family, with rito culture. And Revali, most specifically. In Creating a Champion we can see the early concept art and designs for all or most major characters in the game, and Revali’s highlighted rough design might be the one that changed the most throughout proper development of the character, out of all champions. He looks quite different from our usual depiction of him, it’s fascinating. What truly catches my eye, however, is the design of his bow.

You thought bird puns were bad? Oh boy, how do you feel about Revali having a bow that looks like a violin/cello/viola??? And do you need a bow to play it also??? Like, is it even an instrument or it’s nothing more than a mere fashion statement?-

Anyway. I believe this was originally going to be a not-so-subtle wink to rito culture, being heavily musically inclined as we can see and conclude for ourselves. Perhaps Revali was going to be a musician as well, now how cool it that!

Needless to say, the idea was eventually scrapped. But one detail I am CERTAIN carried over to the character we know and love today(okay not all of us love him but seriously if you dislike him why are you still here lol): strings. The association between bows(weapon) and stringed instruments, aside from being a quite clever and creative one, goes beyond the concept art and remains strong as part of Revali’s character, settling for having a presence via score. After all, Revali is a master of archery, so in that way it makes sense to keep strings as symbolism to reinforce the idea and drive it home.

But can you guess what other thing Revali excels at? That’s right: flying. He’s the only rito we know of who successfully managed to take advantage of wind currents and bend them to his will. And do you know what musical instruments are often used to evoke the feeling of flight and gale? If you thought of bowed strings, you’re correct! Unfortunately, I couldn’t find much support on this topic online, so you’ll have to take my word for it. I am most certain that this is fact, although not something worth discussing on the Internet, by the looks of it.

Anyhow, violins/cellos/etc are ever-present whenever we’re close to Rito Village or dealing with a rito related mission. Attack on Vah Medoh, for example, features a sequence of strings that is meant to evoke the strong winds we’re fighting against in that particular moment(*). Another great example is The Final Trial, the song that plays at the shrine of resurrection nearing the end of the Champions’ Ballad. Preceding the activation of each terminal, you’ll notice that a new instrumental element joins the crowd: the first one corresponds to the tambourines, related to the zora and Mipha; the second one are strings, referencing the rito and Revali, etc. I tell you, the moment I heard this during the trial I almost started crying like a baby. And, although strings have a lot to do with Rito culture in general, they tie most strongly to Revali, since he was the champion of his people, and his legacy carried over throughout the years. His accomplishments became material of folk tale, a legend, a source of pride and inspiration for the village. And let’s not forget that, at the end of the day, Revali is the crucial and foremost connection Link has to this place. Other than appeasing Vah Medoh, Link’s responsibility here is to free his past fellow champion’s spirit from Ganon’s malice. The soundtrack is referencing Revali first, and by extension his devotion to his home.

With all that in mind, let’s move on to our next point:

2- Nowhere to Go.

You shoot the canons, land on top of the Divine Beast, do what you gotta do, activate the first terminal and the soundtrack goes off unannounced. Like some sort of surprise anxiety bomb. The rhythm turns fast, the melody erratic, incredibly desperate in its execution. There’s this sheer despair, fear, this feeling of suffocation almost, which are so well achieved in this particular piece.

And that is, partially, because a quite familiar resource is used here as well; one that we’ve heard before in songs such as Rito Village or Revali’s theme. You could even think of it as a motif: two notes are played in an semitone interval, repeatedly and in quick succession. For the sake of later convenience, we’ll call this the Flight Motif, now let me explain why. In Breath of The Wild, this semitone loop is often followed up by some form of resolution. In Rito Village, formerly known as Dragon Roost Island(**), that resolution consists of a graceful descent of the melody, from a high that was built up previously during the motif. On the other hand, if you listen to Revali’s theme, you’ll notice that the interval repeats itself for a couple of times as thought charging up, to then rise fast and determined into a triumphal reprise of Revali’s distinctive assigned melody. This juxtaposition supposes the difference that lays between common rito flight and Revali’s trademark ability; both musical sequences are speaking of flight, albeit in two different languages depending on the way to achieve it. While the rito traditionally use their wings to glide and let themselves get swayed by the air currents Buzz Lightyear style, Revali takes full advantage of his flying capabilities to somehow create an updraft of his own, rising meters above the ground whenever he likes or needs to.

So, now that I layed out my base of thought when focusing on the strings, this’ll be much easier to explain. We’ve settled what the instruments themselves are a symbolic representation of Revali, in this scenario specifically. He was the only one inside Vah Medoh, and the score is, in a way, a retelling of what we can vaguely assume went down here during the Great Calamity, as much as it is what sets the tone and ambience for Link’s mission. But what are we hearing exactly? What we talked about, the Flight Motif, is being repeated nonstop. And that’s the thing, remember how I mentioned that this sequence usually finds resolution at the end? Well. Inside Vah Medoh,… it never does. The melody picks up in numerous occasions, but it’s not nearly as graceful, or calculated, as we’ve grown used to by now. It gets tangled and lost, and then inevitably falls to the ground in disarray. The pattern repeats itself, reaching higher after a handful of failed attempts, but no matter how much it tries, the cycle never ends. What used to tell us about flying and freedom in the skies, has morphed into an almost sinister musical incarnation of a tornado, and there is no way out of this trap. What do you think it must feel like to mindlessly flap your wings against wind currents so strong and violent, that it is impossible to get anywhere nearby, let alone take off every time you lose your balance. Or every time you’re shot down. On top of that, trying to aim and fight back in whatever short breaks and opportunities you get, at an enemy that’s much more powerful and relentless, who’s using your own element as a weapon to destroy you… it’s a risk Revali surely had to take in order to put up a fight. Even knowing full well that the odds were not in his favour, that he was most likely going to lose this battle, that he was going to die. Let that sink in. I’ll skip the activation of the second terminal, since there’s barely any change registered in the theme in general. So-

Three terminals activated.

I know this post is supposed to be a breakdown of the song purely, but that doesn’t mean there’s no place for a little theorising, and the following scrutiny is also quite relevant for our discussion. Bear with me for a bit. I’ve read almost everywhere about people’s most common interpretations on the Divine Beasts SOS signals, and how everyone thinks that Revali’s coming in last (a few seconds later than the other champions) has to do with him holding on for longer. Or, also, overconfident as he was, it means that the idea of calling out for additional support didn’t cross his mind until it was too late, and that’s why the beeping sounds more frantic and panicked than the others’ when it does appear. After giving it some thought myself, I’m betting on the latter option holding more ground, and that’s not all. I want to touch upon a detail of the piece that I never acknowledged was there until very recently(after seeing myself obliged to listen to this song fully and a handful of times, suffering every minute of it for the sole purpose of this analysis. It’s okay I didn’t need my heart anyway). Soon after activating the third terminal, the SOS signal disappears, or grows distant and faint enough that we can’t make it out from the background anymore. In its place, we’re confronted by this… shrill, piercing and painfully slow tune. It sounds synthetic, artificial, devoid of life. And it’s funny, because you know what it reminds me of? I’ll tell you:

A heartbeat flatline sound.

And I want to highlight that this doesn’t happen in any of the other Divine Beasts themes. All their SOS signals carry on, but Medoh’s is no more. This abrupt stop, followed by this bone-chilling tune…. makes me believe that Revali was the first of the champions to fall. A few days ago I came across SuperZeldaGirl’s video on a similar topic, theorising that this could very much be the case. There is not much evidence to support this claim other than some visual cues that could be suggesting to it, but after I found this in the soundtrack, and if we’re to rely on it for anything, I believe Revali was either the first champion to be ambushed by Ganon, or well…. the first to be killed. It is plausible, because short after Calamity Ganon unleashes his power, Revali parts from the group and flies directly to Vah Medoh, and he very well could’ve been the first pilot to arrive.

On this note…. we’ll have to wait and see for ourselves, when Age of Calamity provides long-awaited answers to many of our questions.

Four terminals activated.

An interesting melody is being played on what, for me, would qualify as a glockenspiel or a celesta, which are keyboard based instruments that produce a sound similar to that of a music box(***). If you want to pay more attention to it, I suggest listening to Vetrom’s Instrumental Mix Cover of the theme, where they practically zoom in on this part of the song (keep in mind that it uses the All Terminals’ time signature so it’s being played faster). For some reason, this particular addition makes me feel profound empathy. The sound of this instrument could be described as cute or childlike, magical, even. It is more often than not used to represent innocence, but I highly doubt that’s specifically the intention here. Much like the leading strings’ melody, the melodic contour of this one is trapped in a loop of going up and down constantly, but the difference is that this time around it sounds more under control. And much more uniform too. It doesn’t lose focus or takes risky, fruitless leaps, but rather chooses to stay on a path of waves that consistently rises and falls without taking detours. Like a determined battle strategy, giving it your all. You fall, but get back up again, and try again, and again. It reminds me of Revali’s approach to training, being persistent to the point of overworking himself. He had discipline nailed down to a tee, which I also think served him well in combat. It’s not just about being hard on yourself, either, but being confident and having complete faith in your abilities; believing that you’ll make it. For this to appear now, that the SOS signal is almost completely gone, is significant because it means that by this point, being so close to success on Link’s behalf, the music is sparing genuine encouragement for once, in spite of the tragic outcome of the past and the danger of the current situation. But, in all honesty, this is probably just me reading too much into it. Perhaps the composer just thought this addition sounded pretty bitching and there’s not much else to it, which is completely fine. Although, intentional or not, sometimes coincidences do happen, and at the end of the day, interpretations like this are a form of appreciation for an artist’s work and for what they can unknowingly accomplish.

All terminals activated.

This is the moment when the song finally lightens up. Notice how the strings abandon the wave pattern for a more even contour. The beat quickens, the melody stabilizes. At first I thought, coming from our flight analogy, that this meant a cease in movement entirely, and it was partly one of the reasons why the song in general makes me anxious. But thinking about it now, …there is something different going on here. The strings are playing on a steady rhythm. It resembles a march, it’s like a pounding heart. It’s a lively, hopeful statement. And what’s interesting is that, up until this point, there was so much fear and helplessness present in the score, even going as far as to reach a dead end when we activate the third terminal. But that’s it, isn’t it? the music just keeps going further.

It’s saying: this isn’t over yet. Even after complete and utter defeat, there’s still hope and an underlying wish to overcome this predicament, and we started to hear this as soon as a fourth terminal is activated. The melody we previously talked about? it’s here as well, and its beat is much more daring and confident.

And I just want to say… this is so powerful. Because this sentiment is deeply tied to the game’s story and Revali’s character arc. You see, he is introduced as someone who resents Link for being the manifestation of his failure, in a way, because Revali has trained arduously his whole life to be where he is, to be recognised. And yet… this hylian gets chosen by a magic sword and some tale of divine destiny and, apparently, that’s all it takes for him to be deemed the hero that will save the land. In Revali’s eyes, Link has done nothing to prove his worth before him, so it is easy to see why he despises the silent knight so much; he is yet another individual that was born into their destiny. Meanwhile, Revali has had to build his reputation from the ground up, earning him a place among the greatest warriors of Hyrule, and even then he finds himself surrounded by people who grew up praised for being born gifted. We can see how Revali is the odd one out, and can map out the reason for him acting so antagonistic towards Link.

But once we’re on Medoh, things start to change. When Link enters the Divine Beast, Revali greets him with disdain, as per usual. Of course, Link has no recollection of whatever happened a hundred years ago, other than a small glimpse of the rito champion talking down to him, a memory that came and went in a flash. So as Link, we more than expect Revali to act cold and mocking, which he does. He provides us with as little help as needed in order to free Medoh, reluctantly, shielding his wounded pride over having to wait for Link, of all people, to come to their rescue. But you can hear him starting to open up bit by bit(I wish I could translate his dialogue directly from Japanese but I’ll make do with a couple of dubs and other numerous sources from translators online). With each little step Link takes towards success, activating the terminals, the perception Revali has of him shifts from one of resentment to one of genuine admiration and respect. By the end of it all, he is willing to not only cheer on Link during the boss battle, but to trust him with his life’s worth achievement. And once left alone, he admits defeat and lets go of his bitterness, realising that he was wrong to underestimate Link, and later wishes he could’ve had a chance to measured up to him. To take all of this into consideration and work with it in the soundtrack I think it’s genuinely splendid. And for once, I am grateful that it ends in somewhat of a positive note that puts my soul to rest. I still have a hard time listening to the first two thirds of the entire thing, but now I can look forward to a hopeful and earnestly heartening conclusion for all the pain that this composition puts me in. I must admit that it’s beautifully and brilliantly crafted, and that I am enamoured of it regardless.

That is why I wrote roughly 4k words about it! I hate myself!

If you’re as crazy as me about the soundtrack of this game, I recommend you read the published cd interview with the composers themselves! if you haven’t already. I just found it yesterday(unbelievable but it’s true) and… after writing all of this and checking it out, I felt validated. It sure is a one of a kind feeling.

Alright folks, we’ve made it to the end. Congratulations for sticking around and thanks being interested in my nonsensical rambling!

I also hope that you, like me, will now be unable to listen to bowed strings without being reminded of Revali. Good luck!

————– Annotations/Sidenotes/Whatever

(*)The Flight Motif(in point number 2) is also present in this track. We can hear it in the background right after the Rito leitmotif, as per usual. It starts with a clarinet, I think, before the strings take the lead. (**) Note that the Flight Motif only comes into play in the Breath of The Wild rendition of the song. (***)I strongly associate this instrument with Mipha, given that it is used in her theme, in every “response” to the initial melody. It can be heard in Attack On Vah Ruta, as well, it enters the scene when the notes Mi(E) and Fa(F) are played. The initial tune, Si and Do(B and C) are played on a clarinet or oboe, wind instruments just like the flute that leads Sidon’s respective theme. The celesta can also be heard inside Vah Ruta, activating the first terminal…. when the song really takes a turn just like Medoh’s. Mipha has nothing to do with the song of this analysis, however. We must understand that instruments, although they are attached to characters/various story elements in some cases, can always be used outside of that context, for that is the nature of an orchestral soundtrack. If you have this many tools at your disposal, you will make good use of them.

#Revali #Vah Medoh #botw #loz #aoc

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kirksfattitties · 3 years

Text

asks you can smell the privilege and internalized ableism radiate from

(tw for ableism and other bigoted implications)

i’m bad at reading tone but even i understand that this is 100% you being condescending and trying to cover it up with smiley faces and false sincerity. and i don’t appreciate that.

before i get into deconstructing your shitty ableist argument, i want to explain the reasons i believe in self diagnosis (self-dx):

even professional diagnosis doesn’t start with a doctor diagnosing you. there has to be a reason for seeing the doctor. some people see a doctor in their adult life because they’re struggling, some people are taken by their parents, some people are referred or suggested that they see a specialist. whatever it is, you don’t just see a doctor and they magically give you a neurodivergency. people have neurodivergencies before they see doctors and even if they NEVER see a doctor.

the psychiatry system is flawed in MANY ways and to say that it isn’t means you’re denying the experiences of people with less privledge than yourself. also like psychiatry isn’t gonna suck your dick. you don’t have to be a bootlicker lol

in many places (hi hello i’m from america where our government tries to indirectly kill us by not providing us with adequate healthcare! i and many other people have many issues we can’t get fixed because simply our government cares more about the economy than us), seeing a psychiatrist or a therapist or going to a mental hospital or WHATEVER is INCREDIBLY expensive. and to assume that everyone has access and enough time/money/energy/transportation/whatever to do all of that is classist and elitist.

ANYTHING medical (including mental health) is biased towards white cis men. most studies are done on white cis men/boys. because of this, people who aren’t white cis men (or people who aren’t perceived as white cis men) are often not diagnosed. the system is racist. the system is sexist. the system is transphobic. people don’t know how to diagnose autism or adhd or personality disorders or other neurodivergencies or even mental illnesses in black people and other people of color, in women, in trans people, etc. and GOD FORBID someone be in multiple (or all) of those categories. saying “just go get diagnosed :)” is a privileged statement to make.

shocker! the psychiatry system is also ableist. if you’re already diasabled (whether it be mental or physical) and you see a doctor about ANOTHER disability? the doctor is most likely going to shoot you down. or at least be weary about someone having mutliple disabilities.

also most people who diagnose are neurotypical. they have never and will probably never experience neurodivergency so they can never fully understand it. they operate off of stereotypes of neurodivergent people and usually only stereotypical behavior of neurodivergent white cis men (which, as i mentioned before, is problematic for anyone who isn’t a white cis man). neurotypical diagnosers don’t know the neurodivergent culture and aren’t trained to recognize very common things (like masking for example).

a professional diagnosis can also be weaponized. not everyone can get a professional diagnosis because there are some neurodivergencies (such as autism and personality disorders) and mental illnesses (like depression) that can have legal and medical respercussions to have in your record. trans people can be denied medical and legal transition for being professionally diagnosed. people can lose custody battles for being professionally diagnosed. a professional diagnosis can be used as justification for taking away someone’s body autonomy (especially if that person is also physically disabled).

a LOT of neurodivergencies also have some type of symptom (or symptoms) that make it difficult to interact with people. troubles recognizing facial expressions, troubles understanding certain phrases and types of speech, paranoid about people, audio processing issues, being nonverbal in an environment that doesn’t accommodate for it, overstimulation, extreme social anxiety, discomfort in new situations, problems with eye contact, and a lot more. because like. for many nd people, interacting with people is very difficult and stressful. and hey. if you want to get a professional diagnosis? take a WILD guess what you have to do? FUCKING INTERACT with people! LIKE?? JEHDJJDKEKKDKDKDS. do you know how many professionally diagnosed nd people i know who made their appointment COMPLETELY on their own without help from a parent or family member or friend? LITERALLY ZERO! and i know A FEW nd people who have professional diagnoses! so if someone has social issues that prevent them from doing tasks like calling and making an appointment, showing up for an appointment, talking during the appointment, etc and ALSO doesn’t have familial or friend support (because newsflash! people who are friends/family of disabled people can still be ableist)? almost impossible to get a diagnosis! plus, the diagnosis process is TIME CONSUMING. not everyone can focus on a task for that long and not everyone can miss work/school for that long.

so those are the reasons i support self-dx. (although there’s probably more that i’m forgetting but i have adhd and it’s hard for me to remember things!)

so hopefully you now understand my reasons for believing in self-dx, and perhaps even you’re pro-self-dx now because before you were just uneducated on these issues and how they impact people who aren’t you.

but in case you’re still anti-self-dx and probably hate already-marginalized neurodivergent people, let’s talk about this horrendous ask (series of asks, actually) that i got sent. i feel like i can feel the self hatred and internalized ableism OOZING from this ask and into my inbox, so thanks for that i guess /s

“Sometimes people who self diagnose can take away from those who are actually nd, even sometimes from themselves.”

starting out strong with the ableism on this one by separating people into “self diagnosed” and “actually nd” people. self diagnosed people ARE actually nd

there’s not a limited number of nd resources. this isn’t a math equation of only x amount of people can be nd because there’s only y amount of resources. more people realizing they’re nd will actually MAKE more resources for nd people and will bring more awareness to being nd

even IF someone self diagnosed, and they go back on it later, what harm was done? they learned some coping mechanisms? they made some nd friends? neither of those are problematic and i think they’re both actually very helpful. i think nt people SHOULD learn more about nd people and stuff because i think that will lead to WAYYY less misunderstandings and WAYYYY less ableism

“There are many people who fake nds for attention,”

hey anon, what fucking world do you live in that nd’s are cool enough to fake having? because i would LOVE to live there. like, i literally had a post about my personality disorder (which i will not be specifying) i had to delete because people were sending my anons about how i was “scary” and “threatening” now that they knew i had the personality disorder i have. last year i left a discord server because the ableism i was recieving from not only the members of the server, but the mods as well. there are very few people i know irl who i tell about my personality disorder, but when i tell people about my adhd, they start treating me different. they infantalize me and make fun of me and use “jokes” about stereotypical adhd behaviors to alienate me and they even TELL OTHER PEOPLE without my permission. i was SEVERELY bullied throughout elementary and middle school for being nd. i have been refused job and educational opportunities as well as literal medical attention for being nd. people aren’t “faking” being nd, and if they were they probably wouldn’t be doing it for long because it’s not something that’s EASY to deal with.

kinda ironic that you’re saying people can’t diagnose themselves but that YOU can tell when someone is faking their diagnosis. that’s both hypocritical and a double standard.

masking exists. if you think someone isn’t “acting nd enough” they’re probably masking because they’ve been fucking bullied and harrassed. also you’re probably basing whatever you think nd is on stereotypes. not every nd person is sheldon cooper lol.

this is a side note but can we talk about how you’re literally just taking transmed rhetoric and molding it to fit nd people? like. you really come onto MY NONBINARY NEURODIVERGENT blog and expect me to validate your recycled “but what about the REAL [insert group] people?” ??? like grow up, elitist. you’re not better than anyone else just because you lick some boots 🥾 👅

“and claiming that self diagnosis (and this is just what I interpreted) is just as valid as professional diagnosis”

it is 😌

the only difference between self diagnosis and professional diagnosis is that a professional diagnosis can also get you medicine. not every neurodivergency needs meds and not every neurodivergency can be treated (at this time or even ever). for example, my pd (self diagnosed) doesn’t have a specific treatment but multiple symptoms of the pd (all professionally diagnosed) have specific treatments and medicines that work, so patients are given/diagnosed with/prescribed those instead. also, medicine doesn’t work for everyone! and sometimes people are allergic to or take medicines that will conflict with any new medicine.

“can really devalue the account of someone who actually has a disorder”

here we go again with that “self diagnosed” vs “actually nd” bullshit. literally just say you hate poor people n minorities and leave lol

someone having a different experience than you isn’t devaluing you, but if you’re the one who always has the spotlight maybe you should use your privledge uplift other marginalized people instead of feeling angry when everything isn’t all about you 100% of the time

“I have a second ask”

i don’t want it

“Plus it can be damaging for a person if they self diagnose wrong.”

how? what if they learn information that they wouldn’t’ve otherwise known like coping mechanisms that help them with their own neurodivergencies? that’s definitely not a bad thing

i think it’s funny that you bring up that people can self diagnose wrong and don’t even MENTION that doctors can diagnose wrong. like. you know. the people who GIVE OUT MEDICINE to people. i think it’s MUCH more dangerous when a PROFESSIONAL diagnosis is wrong. what are self-dx people with wrong diagnoses gonna do? read up on nd tips? maybe smoke some weed? drink some coffee? that’s about all they can do with a self-dx. but if a MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL gives you an INCORRECT diagnosis, they can ACTUALLY fuck you up.

“I was recently diagnosed with PTSD, a disorder which I would have never considered I’d have.”

that’s great about your professional diagnosis! i don’t know you but i’m glad you’re finding out about yourself and getting the help you want and/or need /srs

sorry if this sounds blunt, but honestly i’m not surprised you never considered you could have PTSD. based on your asks, you sound like you have a lot of internalized ableism you need to work through and a lot more research about neurodiversity you need to do. being anti-self diagnosis is a common belief among a lot of people with internalized ableism and a lot of these same people are the ones who have no issue with and even SUPPORT auti$m $peaks. many nd organizations that are run BY nd people (like asan) actually support self-dx.

“If I had of diagnosed my own symptoms and then started treating myself or taking precautions based on my self diagnosed "condition", it could of really hurt me.”

how? taking precautions to preserve your mental health is NEVER a bad idea. i’m not ptsd, but someone i care deeply about DOES have ptsd and has shared a lot of the precautions and coping mechanisms for ptsd with me and honestly they’ve been incredibly helpful. it’s almost as if different neurodivergencies and/or mental illnesses have overlap and that’s why there’s a whole community for us to be able to share these resources and information with each other!

the same person was rejected a formal autism diagnosis because of their ptsd, plus the fact that they’re transgender and the fact they have symptoms of adhd. it’s not really my place to talk about their experience with professional diagnosis, but i’ll send this post to them and allow them to add on their experience in a rb if they’re comfortable with that. but it’s almost as if their experience with the professional diagnosis process was unhelpful, harmful, ableist, and transphobic 🧐 and unfortunately this is a pretty common experience

“Also, by self diagnosing, I devalue the account of a person with the disorder l assumed I had.”

how? if someone thinks they’re nd, they have a legitimate reason for thinking so. either they have another neurodivergency than the one they thought they had, or they’re neurotypical and need to figure themself out and have a need for support. either way, they learned more about the specific neurodivergency, more about the nd community, and more about themself. i don’t see how that’s a bad thing.

if you think self-diagnosed people’s experiences inherently have less value, that is straight up ableism. especially considering that other marginalized identities and minorities have trouble getting professional diagnoses, you might also be bigoted in some other way. or at the very least, refusing to acknowledge your privilege.

“only one more I promise”

i don’t want it

“I understand that doctors are expensive and professionals can get it wrong,”

okay. if you understand this, then dm me your information so i can bill you for the cost of my professional diagnoses, the cost for my therapy sessions, the cost for my medicine, and the cost for transportation to and from all these places. PLUS the cost of the work and school i’ll be missing for these sessions. 🤲

“but self diagnosis can be really harmful to yourself or others.”

nah, you’re just ableist and a gatekeeper lol

“If you feel like you have a disorder, go see a psychiatrist, you may have it.”

[remembers when i went to a psychiatrist who diagnosed me with two major symptoms of a personality disorder and said i had other symptoms of the pd as well but refused to diagnose me with the actual personality disorder because i was a minor at the time and he told me “kids don’t have personalities so they can’t have personality disorders”. i understand being weary about diagnosing children with personality disorders because they aren’t fully developed but this dude straight up told me that i didn’t have a personality. this man literally only worked with children so that means he literally never diagnosed personality disorders. this man was literally just lazy and didn’t care about his patients. this man also refused to believe me when i told him the medicine he prescribed me made my symptoms worse and even made me hallucinate. he ignored me and refused to change my medicine so eventually i just changed psychiatrists and they put me on a new medicine that DIDNT make my symptoms worse and DIDNT make me hallucinate. also i looked it up after our session and apparently ONLY people with my pd and related ones experience hallucinations on that certain medication. it’s almost like his refusal to diagnose me and ignoring my symptoms/concerns harmed me. this man also constantly misgendered me and told me that homosexuality and transgenderism should’ve still been in the dsm. like golly, it’s almost as if being queer and neurodivergent in an extremely conservative state is harmful and dangerous. and that psychiatrists aren’t immune from being homophobic and transphobic and ableist.] but yes :) perhaps i should see another psychiatrist in this conservative state :)

“I don't want to undermine anyone's actual experiences, but it can be dangerous.”

then stop undermining people’s actual experiences :)

no ❤️

“If you feel like something's wrong, go see a professional.”

the whole point of the neurodiversity movement is that there IS no such thing as a “normal” brain, so saying that neurodivergent people have something “wrong” with them is ableist.

💰 🤲 hand it over

“I don't want to offend, I just don't want anyone to get mislead or hurt. :)”

you absolutely meant to offend. you literally said that self-diagnosed people’s experiences aren’t valid and have less value than people who have professional diagnoses

i know more people who have been (and personally have been) mislead and hurt by professionals than by simply existing as a self-diagnosed person

also i want to say that being pro-self dx is NOT being anti-professional/formal diagnosis. i think that people should absolutely get a professional diagnosis (if they are able to without negative repercussions)! being pro-self dx is more inclusive of marginalized people (like people of color, women, lgbtq+ people, people with multiple disabilities, etc). pro-self dx is simply just saying that professional diagnosis isn’t the only option

(neurotypical people and anti-self dx people don’t add anything; pro-self dx neurodivergent people are allowed to add with their experiences if they want)

#asks #long post #nd adventures #ableism tw #sexism tw #racism tw #transphobia tw #misgendering mention #medical abuse mention #not star trek #homophobia tw

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readyplayerhobi · 4 years

Text

Flower | 02

; Hoseok x Reader

; Genre: Fluff, angst, future smut

; Word Count: 1.9k

; Warnings: Talk of anxiety, depression, self-hatred

; Synopsis: You finally decide to take a dip into the world of online dating and find the Flower dating app. One of the top matches for you proves to be a guy who looks to be your complete opposite; tattooed, pierced, a metalhead and oh…incredibly handsome. What happens when you throw caution to the wind and reach out to him?

; A/N: Yes this is posted fast but it’s obviously not long. As said, this is a drabble series so it may be posted fast, it may be posted slow. It’s purely when I feel inspired by it. Thank you for the love I’ve had on the first part! I never expected people to like it so much. Please note that this is a slice of life fic that will deal with the MC having a lot of issues around herself including anxiety, depression, lack of self-confidence and more. I’ll put relevant warnings, but this fic is basically me helping myself by writing out some of my feelings. If you enjoy reading it, please reblog and comment to let me know! Again, I haven’t proof read lol

Flower Masterpost

Your phone screen is mocking you, you swear it is. The brightly lit screen clearly shows the Flower app message box, which clearly shows the series of messages that you’d exchanged with one seriously, outrageously attractive Jung Hoseok.

And it made you cringe, shrinking further down your seat as you pushed your face into the impossibly soft material of the cat plush you kept on your couch. As if somehow, that might make all your embarrassment disappear.

Because you have never regretted your social anxiety and inability to make small talk more than you do right now. You found it impossible to talk to people normally if you didn’t have a common interest, the conversation often dying down quickly as you struggled to maintain it but that was heightened with text messages.

Your own friends were well aware of this, which meant that no one ever bothered to call or text you to talk. Instead, they simply texted to ask when you were free and then came over or invited you out. You were very much one of those people who just operated best when you were comfortable with the person and could maintain a face-to-face connection.

Which was why you were now seriously regretting setting up this app. Groaning, you let your head fall back onto the couch and restrain the urge to have a childish hissy fit. Because it would be childish. Relieving, but childish.

“Why did I think this would be a good idea? You know you don’t like talking on the phone or by message, you idiot.” You hiss to yourself, grabbing the phone from the arm of the sofa and unlocking it once more.

Re-reading the messages just makes you want to shrink even more. It’s been an hour since Hoseok had first responded to you, and the messages were painful. In fact, it made you want to cry reading them over and how bad you were at conversing. You were trying so hard but you just didn’t know what to say or do.

You: Oh, thanks for responding! I’m okay, how are you?

Jung Hoseok: I’m good, just got in from a gig. You done anything interesting?

You: No, I worked and then just came home

Jung Hoseok: Okay...what did you do when you came home?

You: Watched Netflix

Jung Hoseok: ...what did you watch? Anything cool?

You: Not really

You: I’m watching this Korean drama, The K2

Jung Hoseok: Cool

The conversation died for ten minutes after that and as usual, you’d stressed over what you’d messaged him. It read so stilted and awkward, leading to you grasping at a topic to further talk with him. How did these things normally work? Was he expecting sex if you’d messaged him? Or did he want something more? Was it okay to ask him?

You’d struggled for a few minutes more before you’d finally sent something else to him, resulting in another series of lame messages that had you resenting yourself while also being thankful that he didn’t just give up on you entirely.

You: Who did you go see? Anyone I might know?

Jung Hoseok: Mmm, maybe? Do you know Disturbed?

You: ...no?

Jung Hoseok: Do you listen to any metal?

You: also no :(

Jung Hoseok: Ahhh...you wouldn’t know them then

You: Did you enjoy it though?

Jung Hoseok: Yeah! They’re great live. You should maybe try it, you might like them…

And that was where the conversation had stunted itself, leading to you simply staring at your phone and wishing that you were someone else. Someone who was great at talking and would be able to keep the flow going between him and you. Because he was evidently nice, willing to keep talking even though you were proving to have the socialisation skills of a baby.

Staring at your phone, you bit your lip and rested your head in the palm of your hand, elbow resting on your thigh as tears warmed your eyes. You wished that you could be someone better, someone who didn’t have to psychoanalyse everything that you’d said and every response that you’d been given. Thousands, probably millions of people across the world did this online dating thing every day.

Why was it so hard for you? And on the first guy!

Wiping the tears away with your hand as you sniffled, you grasped your phone and looked down at the messages once more with a frown. This guy, Jung Hoseok, was way too good for you. There was no way that someone this outgoing was going to be interested in you, not when he had to work this hard to maintain a conversation.

Here he was, going to concerts on a work night while you felt insufferable anxiety at the prospect of not being in bed by 9pm. There was no way you could work out, and maybe it would be better to just cut him loose now so that he didn’t have to bother trying anymore with you. You could always give someone a little more...boring a chance.

Wincing, you mentally withdrew that adjective. People weren’t boring, they just had different interests. You had no doubt that by your own standards, Hoseok would probably consider you boring.

Sighing, you began to type out your message to him, this once longer than anything else you’d typed.

You: I’m sorry. I don’t know how this online dating stuff works. I don’t even really know how real dating works. I’m really bad at talking, through text and phone. I don’t really know how to do small talk with you and you kind of intimidate me. I’m sorry for bothering you, I don’t think we’d work out and I don’t want to take up any more of your time.

You: Sorry :(

Sending those messages was hard, and you wipe once more at the tears that slowly trail down your face as you try to soothe your anxiety over what you’d sent him. And then you have to try and soothe down your worry that flares up over not being good enough for anyone.

As much as you wanted to listen to Soyeon and Chungha, and as much as you wanted a relationship, you were terrified at the same time. Because you kept yourself so closed off from people, only letting in the few individuals that your mind deemed worth the time and effort and whom you were positive wouldn’t hurt you too badly.

But a relationship meant letting someone in to a place that friends didn’t go. It meant giving the other person access to your most intimate areas; physically and mentally. Letting them know your dreams, know your fears, letting them into your heart and mind. And it terrified you. Because those people were the most dangerous to you.

With a mind that actively seemed to work against you sometimes, sabotaging yourself and your hopes with crippling anxiety and depression, the idea of letting someone that close to cause even more damage was fear inducing. It was giving someone the power to affirm all the negative thoughts you have about yourself, letting them wriggle their way into your life and your heart in a way that would make it feel like an explosion had happened if they decided you weren’t worth it in the future.

You knew that your fears were silly, that people entered and left relationships frequently and that not every relationship ended badly. Not every relationship ended.

But you were petrified of being the one left, of being the one who finally let down her walls and let someone in deeper than anyone had ever been before and having those fragile, vulnerable places deep within you blown wide open. And yet you still craved the love and affection that you watched your friends go through.

You’d tried to get it in college, dating guys and girls in such a casual way that you weren’t even sure it could be called dating. It was more like friends with benefits half the time, and you had so many fears about yourself that there wasn’t even a whole lot of sex. Nor had it been good, because it was hard to get out of your own head sometimes.

Someone like Jung Hoseok terrified you then, because he looked to be everything that you shied away from normally. Outgoing, attractive, outspoken and experienced judging from what you’d read of his profile. Someone who would probably laugh at the idea of a wallflower like you wanting to be with him.

You’re pulled out of the whirlpool of negativity and self-hatred that your thoughts had quickly veered into by the sound of your phone once more, the noise loud in the quiet of the room since you’d turned off your television. Swallowing, you blink hard and take in a deep and steadying breath before looking down at the message.

Jung Hoseok: Oh that’s fine! Don’t feel pressured or anything. I’m useless at talking on the phone too. Would you rather we meet up instead? Casually or as a date, whichever you prefer. I’m sorry I intimidate you, I don’t mean to :(

Jung Hoseok: I know I have tattoos and stuff, but I’m not mean! I swear. I think I’m nice...

Jung Hoseok: And we’ll never know if we could work out unless we actually try…

Jung Hoseok: :)

For a few seconds...there’s nothing in your mind as you stare down at your phone in disbelief. Surely you’d misread that? Suddenly lost the ability to read and your mind had made up what you’d rather it said instead. But when you blink hard, rubbing your eyes to clear them until the words are in focus again, you’re met with exactly the same thing that you’d just read.

He...hadn’t been offended by what you’d said. Nor had he laughed at you cutting him off so quickly? In fact...he seemed to be...understanding?

Your mouth feels dry suddenly and you grab a deep gulp of water, cheeks feeling warm as your stomach swirls with confusion, nerves and tentative excitement. He wasn’t annoyed by you. He wasn’t angry with you. He’d accepted what you’d said.

He’d even...asked you on a date?

And then you realise that he thought that you were intimidated by him purely because he had tattoos and piercings and stuff. Which out of all the things you’d stressed and worried over...that hadn’t even been a top 5 consideration. If anything, those things were just exceptional window dressing on an already outstanding visage.

His words seem to have a strangely soothing effect on your frayed nerves, a balm to your upset and confused mind. Maybe...maybe you could just meet up. You were a lot better in person than you were via text or phone. Your friends liked to say you were funny and sweet, which he might like.

Maybe he was right.

You felt an extreme whiplash that left you feeling a little tired from everything you’d experienced in the last few hours; from the trepidation of signing up to the surge of confidence at messaging Hoseok to the crushing negativity of your flatlining esteem to the small flicker of hope that was now surfacing.

Which is why you feel strangely calm when you message him back, watching your fingers type without really being aware of what you were doing. Completely unaware of the monumental impact your decision was about to have on your future and life.

You: Really? I’d like to meet up...if you want to

Jung Hoseok: I’d love to

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studylustre · 4 years

Note

hey bb!! you're kinda a queen on here for giving advice so I hope you don't mind me seeking your advice.... at the moment I've been feeling really lost, I'm way behind on my peers this age in almost every aspect of life,, a reason for this is that my mental health is really bad and I lost my teen years to depression. Therefore now I can't even seem to be making friends or hold a normal conversation with adults due to my social anxiety. I used to be intelligent but I think now I'm just stupid ~~~

~~~ my dad keeps telling me how much I suck compared to everyone else, not every day but often enough that I know I'm definitely not fulfilling his expectations and I feel like I'm never going to be able to catch up on that. I've spent a lot of time on my own, I still do and I don't know how to change that, how to build my own life so I'm not dependent on my parents anymore and can move out after I've finished high school. I just would love to know your opinion on that. Please don't judge me too harshly skskshvff :')) I just would love to know how to build your own life apart from your own family, how one can be able to live with their own thoughts without getting depressed hehe,, idk I guess I carry a lot of guilt with me and I've never been able to overcome it and that's why I'm stuck not being able to move forward. Thank youu if you've read this!! I apologise that this is so unnecessary long, I'd be really grateful for some advice!! I'm a new anon btw,, :) sending u love🥺✨🌈

hi angel!! i don’t mind at all, thank u for stopping by and opening up to me about this bc it’s definitely not easy to talk to people about ur inner thoughts!! there’s quite a lot to discuss here so apologies if my response is all over the place. i first want to address what u said about feeling behind ur peers - i don’t want to dismiss ur concerns bc ur feelings are always valid and this is a v v v common feeling so ur definitely not alone in thinking this, but it’s honestly okay. this is something that took me a while to start internalising (still working on it) but there really are no rules in life!! there’s no set timeframe for you to have to achieve anything by. everyone’s path is different - we all have different dreams and goals and resources and so we all experience things at differently and at different times. life is not a competition and u don’t have to compare urself to ur peers!! also, don’t forget that even the people who u think are thriving and living their best lives have struggles of their own too. like i said, we all have our own journeys. what u see of other people’s is just a highlight reel - u never know what struggles they’re facing behind the scenes bc i can assure u, we all are going through something. none of us are just floating along life absolutely carefree!! there’s obstacles for us all and they manifest in different ways for all of us so do!! not!! compare!! urself!! to!! others!!

secondly, i’m sorry to hear that about ur dad. that’s an awful thing to hear from a parent. i know this doesn’t make up for it but i just wanted to tell u, if u haven’t heard this from anyone else, u are doing great. u may not be where u want to be right now (which is completely ok!! u have SO much time ahead of u to get to where u want to be) but u are trying, u are doing ur best and u are still here which means u are doing great. look at u, here, despite it all!! u have made it all this way and ur going to make so much more progress. i know it’s easier said than done but please try ur best to ignore the naysayers. all that matters is that u are living up to ur own standards - forget what ur dad expects of u, because ur life is ur own to live and u don’t exist to please him. also, i just wanted to reiterate ur point about ur dad having super high expectations and u feeling like u can’t keep up with them. that’s a rough realisation, but i think it’s also a v important one to acknowledge because it’s one that can set u free. if u know his expectations of u are a) unrealistic and b) too harsh, then don’t feel obligated to try and match up to them. in situations such as these, i find it’s often the case that no matter what u do, it will never be enough bc they will always find something to nitpick on. u can achieve incredible things and do everything to perfection and they will still find something to complain about and be disappointed in u for. this may or may not be the case for u, but if it is, i hope u can one day walk away from these expectations and live ur life freely the way u want without feeling like u have to measure up to any outsider’s expectations for u.

thirdly, u are not stupid!! u have so much to offer simply just by being u. i feel like u maybe think ur best days are behind u but that is far from the case. ur best days are still waiting for u!! u have so much to look forward to and so much to experience and to achieve. it’s okay to be confused and lost when trying to figure out this mess we call life. we’re all confused here bb!! none of us know exactly what we’re doing but we’re all faking it til we make it. think about it from the perspective of ur younger self - idk if this is the case for u but when i was young, i thought people who were 18 were Proper Adults. i’m now 22 and i still feel like i’m fumbling my way through life and i definitely don’t feel anything close to being an adult, but hey!! that’s okay. the important thing is that u try. even if u trip up, it doesn’t matter bc failure is inevitable in life and we all go through it. what matters is how u carry urself through these experiences and how u deal with it. it’s okay if u don’t know which direction u want to go in, or if ur not sure it’s the right path for u. just give it a go and try. u can only find out what’s good for u through actually trying. if it doesn’t work out, then whelp, at least now u know for sure that’s something that’s not for u!! onto the next experience. and the next. and the next. until u eventually find something that clicks for u. at that point, u can look back with all ur wisdom from ur experiences and know that every single trial u faced and overcame has made u a stronger, wiser and better person. we love character development!!

u mentioned that u live with a lot of guilt and u haven’t been able to move forward bc of that. would therapy be an option that u would be open to? otherwise, would u be open to trying to face some of that urself through journalling or something like that? i’m far from a qualified mental health professional so i don’t want to give u too much advice in this area bc i’m not qualified to do so, but as an anxious person and chronic overthinker, i really find that journalling helps for me to work through my thoughts. u might not be able to find all ur answers through journalling (i think that’s something that just comes through time and also potentially having a professional to walk u through it so u can untangle everything) but it does help u to get stuff off ur chest and to help u realise what’s bothering u, which is a step in the right direction. also, this may sound weird, but i hear that saying ur thoughts (the ones that cause u to spiral and feel bad/anxious) aloud to urself or to a friend helps a lot!! sometimes u don’t realise how irrational things are in ur head until u say it out loud and really hear it, or have a friend to talk u down from it.

i hope this helps!! i know this is superrrrr long and ramble-y but i hope it gave u some semblance of comfort. know that ur not alone in any of ur struggles and that there are better days waiting ahead for u!!

#answered #anon

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catharticdevice · 3 years

Text

maybe life is not for everyone

I’ve been meaning to translate these jumbled mess of thoughts into coherent sentences. Just to see them from a distance. I don’t know why I think it matters—it really doesn’t. But here we are.

Come on in, everyone. Welcome to my version of a ✨spiraling free fall ✨

I’m okay, by the way—I think? If we share some commonality in terms of how we define okay, it really is not that serious. My suicidal thoughts have all been passive and my brain hasn’t lost its chemical capacity to perform my role as a functioning adult. In all honesty, I’m a bit wary of using the word depression; it’s such a blanket term that’s too intimately linked with the clinical branch of depression. The more nuanced lower end of the spectrum gets slided onto the back burner, because it’s not pressing—which is a perfectly sound logic. Given that none of my symptoms directly point to major/clinical depression, I’m more inclined to stay away from it altogether. My episodes are never debilitating to the extent that I ignore hygiene or fail to keep my job. So it feels stupid to be open about my minor inconveniences. I’d much rather invalidate my own mental struggle before someone can say to my face “You’re just faking it for attention—”

You know how people sometimes say “I haven’t been feeling myself lately,” More often than not, it indicates a varying degree of emotional disturbances—be it gloomy, anxious, in despair, discontent, bitter, or what have you. You recognize what your normal behavior looks like and you get a sense when it deviates off the course. In contrast, I can’t really tell if my low-spirited nature is just a part of a temporary mental distress or is it actually me. It has been my default state for as long as I can remember that it successfully assimilated into my personality traits. So much so that if I were to say “I haven’t been feeling like myself lately,” it would mean a good thing.

I learned to make peace with the way life works; how to navigate through the challenges while keeping my head above water. The secret is to give up all your hopes and be okay with not thriving. Life is not actually that bad when you feel apathetic. I’ve fully embraced my apathy and made it my home—very comfy here, 10/10 would recommend. Because who the fuck got time to do some thriving? Also, why must we thrive as humans? Why is that a necessity? Who decided that? Why can’t we just survive? How is it not enough to survive?

Not quite sure what else there even is to life that makes me willingly choose it every single day. But surviving has to be enough for now. I am not putting any more effort into this bullshit.

Anyway, that’s the baseline. That’s what my good day looks like. Lukewarm, with a hint of melancholy. Now, on to the good stuff—

Every time something drives me over the edge, my go-to coping mechanism has always been limited to safe non-lethal strategies, which include social withdrawal (textbook self-sabotaging behavior) and restrictive food intake (an effort to regain some sense of control apparently). It wasn’t until recently that my brain got a bit more creative and incorporated suicidal ideation into the mix. Whenever I only have my thoughts to keep me company, it’s incredibly easy to spiral into a self-destructive existential conundrum. Although the problematic eating behavior has now also progressed into a more frequent pattern. Anxiety is no longer needed to spur the action. I just need a win sometimes. And running on two cups of coffee and nothing else all day is the most instantaneous way to earn a sense of accomplishment. (PSA: I don’t recommend it though. It’s ok for me and me only, it really is not good for you, kids.)

I wonder, why has nobody told you that as you get older, cutting your life short is becoming a more and more interesting option? It really feels like I’ve maxed out on my lifetime serotonin quota—it’s all spent. I’m done. At this point I’m not even living anymore; I’m just wasting everybody’s time. The thought of having to endure 20-30 more years of this fucking non-consensual existence is such a nightmare. (Actually, with the rapidly accelerating climate change and billionaires continuing to play gods, 30 years is probably too generous.)

When it comes to the subject of suicide, some people’s prevention approach is to say stuff like “...think about how that makes your loved ones feel,” or “There’s so many things you’re going to miss out on,” First of all, let’s think about how I feel, ok. This is about me—focus up! Secondly, I don’t know where you got your biology lesson from, but you actually don’t have to worry about missing anything if you don’t wake up tomorrow. Because when you’re flatlined, your neurons stop firing. Ergo you can’t think, you can’t feel—so you wouldn’t have any function left to miss anything. Win-win.

I’ve been told countless times that it’s temporary; that there will come a time when I won’t feel this way anymore. But man...when you’re swimming across any large, deep body of water and then around mid way you’re slowly feeling your energy level is plummeting below zero, we all know how that’s gonna end. There’s no way you would ever be able to make it to the shore. Even if it’s only a few feet ahead of you. There’s nothing you can do except to let the water take you in.

I’ve been enjoying looking into how body donation works lately. Interesting hobby—quite niche if I do say so myself. Unfortunately Science Care does not currently operate where I live. Also, in Mass you have to sign a consent paper that’s called Instrument of Anatomical Gift. But there has to be two witnesses. Urgh...! Ideally, I’d like my heart to stop beating at the exact place where they would actually store the bodies before they’re being used. Dying in my apartment room doesn’t really appeal to me. I don’t want to create a hassle where somebody has to schlep my body around. Can you imagine being dead and still be a burden to someone? Also, where do people buy body bags? I wonder if they do like a prime 2-day delivery. In the event of a demise-causing-amount-of blood spurting out of my person, I wouldn’t want to leave a mess for someone to clean up—that would be rude. It should be much cleaner and easier to manage if everything is contained within a cadaver bag.

...

Ok, you know what, never mind—too many things to be mindful of. Fuck. I can’t believe being too polite is the only thing keeping me from actually executing any plans. Nope. Let’s be honest, you’re just a wimp, Sash. One day, maybe.

Again, let me reiterate: I am A-OK. I assure you, you’ll still see me being miserable and think about dying tomorrow and the day after. But other than that, everything’s fine.

Peace out, homies.

#suicide tw #ed tw

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mental-health-advice · 3 years

Note

Hello there! Thank you so much for your hard work and constant love <3

So I have a question...

Ever since the beginning of the quarantine I've been experiencing a lot of problems related to relationships/sexuality/identity and it's even worse since I struggle with anxiety and depression. The first time was when I started "dating" a guy (but I wasn't actually dating him bc quarantine) and we even get to call eachother boyfriends and stuff, which felt very weird to me but also couldn't say no for some reason. Later, I realized I didn't even like him and I was just with him because I felt lonely. This was a big big BIG red flag for me, and something that made me realize how many things similar to this I had been doing my entire life (not only dating but also with friends and basically my whole personality but that's something I've been working on therapy).

The second time I had a major crisis on my gender identity. It began all of a sudden one night when I questioned myself about my assigned gender for no particular reason and after that I spent like a whole month seriously doubting everything I did/like/thought about anything related to how I perceived myself and stuff (for example I would stress about my clothes, my pronouns, my name, other people's opinions, etc). The thing is that after a month of being almost paranoid about it I came to the conclusion that I was just so worried about it because I literally wanted something that made me different from the rest (friends, family, etc) and I didn't want "to let go of the only thing that would give me their attention" (I mean I know how absurd that sounds but my head is that kind of mess). So fortunately I stopped feeling so anxious about it but well... I was very worried about getting all worked up with something so serious that ended happening for the same reason as the first time (that I just wanted attention).

And this is my third time. I'm going through a lot of anxiety this days because all of a sudden I realised I like women more than what I thought I did (I have always liked/made out with women but only dated/had crushes on men). So now I'm constantly thinking about how would it be to date a woman and how would I like that person to be but I can't stop thinking about my past experiences getting all worked up over something that I'm supposed to know about myself, so now I can't stop thinking if I'm just making this up because I want attention/love/something different or because I really like women that much.

One hint that makes me think I really like women that much is that I have been having a lot of trouble trying to picture myself in a romantic/non romantic relationship with a guy and I just couldn't imagine myself like that with them, but when I start thinking about the same but with women I have no problems and I actually feel very excited about it.

But one hint that makes me think it might be just me wanting attention is that all my experiences with men were literally trash and maybe It's just that I still have unresolved tr*uma and that's why I can't imagine myself with them anymore (and well, obviously, the fact that I'm very anxious and paranoid about something that I'm not supposed to be so anxious about).

I'm very worried about this because this is the third time I get this anxious when I feel lonely and start questioning my whole existence :(

That's pretty much it, I'm sorry if it's too long or hard to understand but I had to explain everything to try to get to the point :(

Anyways I hope you are all safe and thank you very vey much for your help!

Hi there,

This wasn't hard to understand at all and I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling with all of this! I think that with quarantine, a lot of us have had extra time on our hands to think about things that we either ignored or just weren't aware of before, so know that you're not alone in having these realizations throughout quarantine.

It's great to hear that you've been working on what makes you happy. This seems like a common issue among a lot of people. We're often conditioned to do whatever makes others happy, which we can get kind of lost in over time. It takes a lot of work to realize that you're not doing things for yourself and then actively work on changing that, so kudos to you! I think, in addition to quarantine giving you the time and space to think about your identity, maybe working through doing what makes you happy is allowing you to think more about who you are as a person. I'm thinking about it in terms of you spending a lot of your life doing what makes others happy and now you're giving yourself permission to explore what truly makes you happy and that has led you to question your gender and sexuality. Does that resonate with you at all?

You mentioned that your gender identity is a crisis you've dealt with and you essentially ended up discovering that you're cisgender, but I wonder if this is actually the case. I don't mean this to sound like I know you better than you do because that's definitely not the case, I just mean that you probably wouldn't have mentioned it in your message to us if it wasn't something that's still weighing on your mind. If that's the case, it's totally okay! Gender is incredibly complex and most people don't figure it out overnight (or in the span of a quarantine). While I can't tell you what your gender is, I can say that most people don't question their (for a lack of a better term) cisness just for attention or to be different. Again, I can't say what your gender is, so this is just something to think about it.

Sexuality is also really complicated, as I'm sure you've figured out by now. It sounds like your dating history hasn't been ideal and I can definitely see why that could make you question whether you've been dating the right gender or not. You're definitely right when you say that this could be an effect the trauma has had on you. On the other hand, I think it's a bit telling that the idea of dating a woman is exciting, whereas the thought of dating a man isn't. Of course, just like with gender, I can't say what exactly this means for you since figuring out your sexuality is a very personal journey. Know that this isn't something you need to have figured out right now either. It's okay to take time to figure out who you are.

Finally, if any of this keeps making you anxious, you might consider bringing it up with your therapist. They may be able to help you process what's going on and figure out how to cope with it. You don't have to go through this tough time on your own.

Take care!

-Samantha

#gender #sexuality #figuring out gender #figuring out sexuality #relationships #dating #therapy #advice #advice blog #mental health advice #mhasamantha #Anonymous

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xxcureangelxx · 3 years

Note

5, 9, 10, 13, 20, 21, 24, 25, 28, 30-35, 38-42, 44-46, 50, 52, 54, 60-62, 66, 71-74, 86-91, 96, 100! 😊

okay I literally have no clue how old this is and if I'm even taking the questions from the right post but here goes I guess? 🙈

5. What is your favorite Color?

PURPLE

9. How tall are you?

about 1,70 meters or 5'7"

10. What shoe size are you?

size 40-41, I think that's about 8 in US sizes?

13. What talents do you have?

uhhh good question... not sure if it counts but I guess I'm quite good at a lot if things but can't do anything extraordinarily well?

20. Are you religious?

Absolutely not. Due to family history and a lot of other things I'm actually against it a lot but people can do whatever they feel like is right for them as long as they don't harm others with it.

21. Have you ever been to the hospital?

Yes, quite a lot actually. practically grew up in hospitals as a baby because of kidney issues, broke both my legs with 4 years old, had to revisit for tests a lot during my childhood because of the kidney issue. it calmed down afterwards until I was back in hospital last year because of my terrible mental health and I'm currently in a rehabilitation clinic for it as well.

24. Baths or showers?

Shower's because we don't have a bathtub

25. What color socks are you wearing?

currently none, I love going barefoot, but usually I wear white, gray or black. I know... I'm a bad gay.. no rainbow socks (;ŏ﹏ŏ)

28. What type of music do you like?

you know.... I hate this question with a passion even though I love music so I'll just throw in my yt-playlist here and everyone who's interested can look through it to get a picture xD not sorted in any way and not a conclusive list at all, I just add songs as I find them

30. How many pillows do you sleep with?

mostly just one at a time but I've got two different ones. one is the normal fluffy kinda pillow, the other is made of some kinda foam material and rather thin.

31. What position do you usually sleep in?

I'm always lying on the side! have been doing that since I was a baby too.

32. How big is your house?

compared to what? 🙈 I'd say decent size for 5 people to live in, would have space for 1-2 more if rooms were used differently but definitely not enough to comfortably live with 12 or even more people like my family used to. we've got like 3 proper sleeping rooms (one of which is the attic so not very nice in terms of heat and the staircase is smack in the middle of the room), a kitchen, a dining room, a big living room, a tiny bathroom that barely fits a toilet and shower, and the basement is a mix of storage, electrics and stuff, washing room/utility room and it's got another smaller room that's been turned back into a small workshop but used to be the room of my brother and later my grandmother.

33. What do you typically have for breakfast?

I guess this is where it shows that I'm german but we usually just eat bread (preferably whole grain) with cheese or slices of salami or ..meat sausage? is that a proper translation? 🤨 idk... it's rather simple really. on the weekend maybe buns and boiled eggs. on the occasion that I'm too tired for it or don't have enough time I eat cereals but it's not very common when I'm at work/school

34. Have you ever fired a gun?

No, and I don't want to

35. Have you ever tried archery?

Yes!! I did last year when I was in the hospital and it was super fun! was quite good at it as well, even for my first try 😤

38. What's the longest you've ever gone without sleep?

I think about 3 days? if we count "barely unconscious for a few hours" as sleep that is... otherwise no clue...my memory of the bad sleepless time is quite hazy lol

39. Do you have any scars?

yeah, quite a few tbh. got 2 huge ones from surgeries due to my kidney issues, well they look like 2 but it's actually multiple ones since they simply cut open party of the old ones again, tiny hooman apparently have very little skin. then I got some other ones here and there from accidents, general dumbness, etc, like when I cut through my sunday morning bun and almost cut half of the tip of my finger off because my mother sharpened the knife and didn't tell me or that time as a kid I couldn't wait for my ironing pearl pictures to be done and burned myself on the hot iron, mostly stuff like that.

40. Have you ever had a secret admirer?

I mean.. if they're a secret... how would I know? ;) not sure if it counts that it took me months to realize I had a crush on my best friend and the feelings were reciprocated and I was too blind to see the signs?

41. Are you a good liar?

Nope. People actually think I'm lying more often than I lie... so.... :/

42. Are you a good judge of character?

I'm.. honestly not sure what this one means? like, am I able to judge what kind of character a person has after barely meeting them or smth? if so, I'm terrible at it

44. Do you have a strong accent?

in german? nope. in english? hmm hard to judge since I rarely hear myself speak. I think the stuff I do know how to pronounce is mostly okay but since I learned it through reading I'm simply unsure of a lot of pronunciations. 'also'.... I can not for the life of me pronouns that word no matter how many times I hear it... it's kinda become a quirk after some classmates pointed it out to me and I'm incredibly aware how terrible I say the word but.... just can't get rid of it ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

45. What is your favorite accent?

I.. actually really love the way my best friend talks? 👉👈 they're french btw. just... typical me for struggling to understand them though, already terrible at it in german too...

46. What is your personality type?

honestly, I don't think I can answer that. I'm big on self loathing and everything's pretty shitty so, no thanks

50. Left or right handed?

Right handed. but does it even count id I'm bad at doing things with that hand too? lol

52. Favorite food?

hmmmm tough question... not the biggest fan of food in general a lot of the time... probably Züricher Geschnetzeltes

54. Are you a clean or a messy person?

Definitely messy. my allergies did not like this post trying to clean and tidy up more often though. my depression does not like this post either

60. Do you talk to yourself?

sometimes. quite a bit when watching movies or if I mess stuff up

61. Do you sing to yourself?

barely. got a lot of bad experiences with that so i keep my singing to a minimum. my shower is a great listener though

62. Are you a good singer?

I was in a choir for a few years when I went to 'middle school' and I had like one solo part once but other than that I can't really say because I barely ever sing in front of people

66. Do you like long or shor hair?

this question is currently my absolute nemesis.. I've got suuuper duper long hair and have had it ever since elementary school and I used to be super happy with it and sometimes I still am happy with it but other days, depending on where I'm at genderwise, I absolutely hate it and I just want to take the closest scissors and cut it all off... currently haven't had the guts to look for new hair styles though... but in other people? or women more specifically? I love long hair 🥺

71. What makes you nervous?

Or the shorter question: what doesn't make me nervous... I'd say pretty much everything has got the potential to make me nervous. I'm an overthinker, anxiety is a big thing for me and ptsd makes me scared of almost everything. so.. yeah... sucks to be me sometimes ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

72. Are you scared of the dark?

Yes, very

73. Do you correct people when they make mistakes?

I try not to but sadly I sometimes do, even if it's not my place to. I really don't like that part and hope I'll be able to learn not to sometime

74. Are you ticklish?

Yes and I hate it 😭

86. What are you allergic to?

again, easier question: what am I not allergic to... it's... a lot... like, really a lot. with the test on the skin of my arm I reacted to every single substance and the more thorough blood test lead to much of the same result. the absolute worst are birch trees (pitty, love those), then the usual pollen of pretty much every tree or flower, all animals with fur or feathers, dust and... yeah list goes on and on, you get the picture... :/

87. Do you keep a journal?

no.. have tried to multiple times in the past but never made it more than a week... too depressing to write and read... the therapist at the rehab clinic is currently forcing me to try a positivity diary for the millionths time, can't even get that done each day even though I'm doing it on my phone and get notifications to do it each evening...

88. What do your parents do?

making my life hell lol.. okay on a serious note, my father was a car electrician, he's retired by now, my mother is a housewife, she used to work different jobs before her first kid, later on she took care of my grandmother who was suffering from dementia, got some money and retirement points for that too.

89. Do you like your age?

I-... I don't know? it's weird because I both feel a lot younger and a lot older than I am rn....

90. What makes you angry?

another tough question... I actually have anger issues in that way that I'm barely capable of feeling anger... used to be worse but I already worked a lot on it in therapy so there's at least some there now... in the past I simply started to cry and felt overwhelmed by sadness whenever I was supposed to feel anger... so I can't tell very well what makes me angry because I first have to realize that I'm feeling anger or more like should be feeling it....

91. Do you like your own name?

Not really, no, but I guess I finally figured out some reasons why.. I've recently started going by a bit of a different name too but only my closest friends know so far and I'm not sure if I'll be using it irl at all..

96. How did you get your name?

I'm still trying to get my mother to admit that she named me after this song but she keeps denying it.. she's a fan of this band so it would have fit.. but she keeps saying she just liked the name, no long thought process behind it..

my chosen name is a bit of a different story. an ex friend I got to know through yt gave me that nickname almost 10 years ago after I complained that you can't make a shorter nickname out of my birthname and it's also the name of s character I like, especially his voice, and... idk it just feels more gender neutral and I simply feel comfortable with it. it just fit.

100. Color of your room?

same as question 5: Purple 🥰 or... well half the walls are purple, the other half is white

phew... can't believe I made it through all of these....

in case people haven't noticed yet, I'm currently kinda getting back into tumblr? I think I've already stayed a lot longer than any times I tried getting back before. it mostly started because we've got super bad wifi at the clinc I'm at rn and reddit takes up waaayy too much mobile data and... idk, I guess I just missed the vibe of tumblr

I'm not sure how long I'll be able to stick around but we'll see

#ask game #answered #I really really do not have any clue how long this has been sitting in my inbox...#the og post was somewhere around december if I saw that correctly (๑•﹏•)#oopsie...#just hope posting goes through snd my 3 hours of hard work weren't for nothing....#edit; posting worked but tumblr messed up the formating...#I'm not gonna bother fixing that because it's late and I need sleep 😭

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rotationalsymmetry · 3 years

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Sometimes my brain will not let go of a thing.

And, when I argue I tend to go back and forth between being very sure and argumentative, and second-guessing everything I’ve thought or said ever.

So, since I’m well into my second guessing phase, did I miss something there? I think if I missed something, it would be “sometimes it’s not about you.” Thing is though? I didn’t miss that. I’m aware of that. I’m fully aware that healthy people complaining about being inside more than usual, and missing out on stuff, isn’t about disabled/chronically ill people.

And that itself is part of the thing? Intention/impact. Not thinking about people can be a problem too. It’s...actually OK for people to notice and comment on when we’re *not* being thought of.

And it’s certainly not about not being able to handle people talking about being different. That’s...how do you even get there.

It’s not about being intolerant of people who are more sociable or more outdoorsy missing stuff. I miss stuff too. I get it. It’s fine to miss things. (We’re not different. I do miss things. I miss things so much.)

This is really not about whether it’s ok for people to be sad about pandemic restrictions. Of course it’s ok. (Feelings = always ok.)

It’s also incredibly frustrating, speaking as a chronically ill person, to hear people be publicly sad about missing things you’ve been missing from before the pandemic, while being completely oblivious to your own more enduring sadness. I get this with worship a lot: I tried a virtual worship service at a congregation that normally meets in person early on, and there was a lot of public mourning around not being able to meet in person. And I get that. Zoom worship is not the same. I miss in person worship too. And: I was already missing in person worship. And feeling profoundly alienated and ignored over it — not just that I couldn’t go to worship in person, but that I could easily see things my local congregation could be doing to be more inclusive, really simple things, that it wasn’t doing. So, zoom worship, especially everyone being on zoom, that’s actually a significant improvement for me. So hearing people be sad over something that’s a step down for them and a step up for me, without there being room for me to talk about how it’s a step up for me. How I’d been a step down (several steps down) from the current situation before. It’s.

There aren’t words. It’s like I turned invisible, or turned into a not-person, some time when I wasn’t looking.

I think that’s worth talking about. And at least as much worth talking about as the sadness of healthy people who are missing out. Who can also talk about their sadness, just, it’d be nice if sometimes they looked around.

It’s, uh, well sorry for this, but it’s a little like Dudley complaining about only getting thirty eight presents or whatever, when Harry’s right there and not getting any presents at all. There’s, uh, it’s ok to be upset, it’s not a competition, there is room for many different levels of disappointment, and of course some people are getting hit harder than others, but also...perspective please.

A little over a year ago I was in an airport, and had sensibly requested a wheelchair, and I got treated like luggage. Pushing the wheelchair without giving me a heads-up first even after I complained the first time it happened, for instance. Getting treated more like an object than a person is, tbh, not really something I’m used to happening to me. It’s jarring. To go from someone people care about. To being luggage. Going from being a valued member or prospective member of a congregation, someone who’s welcomed in and wanted. To someone that people won’t make even the smallest accommodation for, even when that accommodation would mean the world to you.

And, good grief, this is just me and I’ve still got it WAY better in many ways than a lot of other disabled people.

It’s not just about disability either. It’s also “oh it’s like being in prison” well no, you see there are actual people in prison, and they’re dying at appalling rates, and having to stay in your home that’s set up the way you like it and might even have multiple rooms you can be in and also being able to go for a walk around the neighborhood when you want, is only a tiny bit like prison even when people aren’t dying.

(And people can talk about their frustrations without bringing prison into it. And people who feel disappointed or frustrated that they’re missing out can be a bit cautious about complaining to or perhaps in front of someone who’s objectively missing out on more, or make sure they’re all ears when the person who’s missing out more wants to vent, because let me tell you a lot of disabled people find that abled people are in general not very helpful when it comes to expressing our frustrations.) (Some exceptions of course — but it is a very common experience, and personally I rarely full on vent to anyone except my partner or other chronically ill people. Healthy people tend to take complaints as a request for suggesting possible treatments, which is not constructive.)

There’s a lot of ways in which some people habitually have it much, much worse than others, and yet somehow the people who have it less bad get lots of room to talk about their troubles, lots of sympathy and understanding and getting to see their troubles represented in fiction and talked about on the news and so on, and the people who have it the worst do not get any sympathy at all. (Which of course is not to say I myself am perfect and always get it right, I’m not and I don’t.)

And when we’re presented in news articles or other media, often it’s for abled people and not for us (“inspiration porn”.)

And you see this on so many levels with the pandemic. There’s a zillion articles on working from home and reducing your risk when you don’t have to do anything more risky than a grocery run. And virtually none on how essential workers can protect themselves. I don’t know about media specifically aimed at parents, but news articles aimed at the general public rarely mention the difficulties of parenting during the pandemic. I don’t think I’ve seen a single article talking about how the pandemic and staying home might be especially hard on kids and teens, or even young adults (even though obviously it’s easier to be resilient when you’ve had a ton of positive past experiences you can draw on, which for many people includes prom night and early-twenties bar hopping, and even though young people are more likely to be in a life stage where they’re looking for a friend group or a romantic partner which is much harder to do if you can’t go places) or the elderly. (See? I get it. Nights out and road trips and so on aren’t frivolous, they’re what tie the social fabric together.) But there’s a ton of articles about how to adjust to working from home. And how the economy is doing.

Almost like we live in a society that values “workers” and “consumers” more than people. And only certain kinds of workers at that.

Let’s push back on that, OK? I’m a person. Terminal cancer patients are people. Old ladies who go to the dialysis clinic are people. Full time wheelchair users are people. People with intellectual disabilities are people. Dementia patients who don’t remember their own name, are people. Prisoners are people. Immigrants and asylum seekers are people. Sex workers are people. Black peoples are people. Indigenous people are people. Bus drivers and garbage collectors and baristas and cashiers and janitors are people. Trauma survivors are people. People with all sorts of mental illnesses — not just depression and anxiety, but psychosis and schizophrenia and personality disorders (edit: and addictions), all mental illnesses — are people. Furries or whoever is being made fun of these days, are people. People who can’t use words are people. People who “look funny” are people. People who are “I don’t know, they just have a really weird vibe, I just don’t like them, you know?” are people. People with bad teeth, with weird accents, who don’t know that thing that everybody knows, people who don’t have the right politics or use the right words, we are all people.

We all have inherent worth, we all deserve basic respect and compassion and care, we all have the same basic rights, we all deserve to have our struggles heard and taken seriously. Even when we don’t explain ourselves well. Especially when we don’t explain ourselves well.

Do you understand? Especially when we don’t explain ourselves well. Because, people who aren’t good at explaining things, also have problems and are understood less often.

Or people who want to explain things that are hard to explain, because they’re outside of the mainstream frame of reference.

#ramble #long post #political #ableism #oppression #marginalization #dehumanization #privilege #Harry Potter #coronavirus #quarantine #lockdown #treat people like people #discourse #I guess #what is discourse #what are words

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