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2002aspaceodyssey · 8 months

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I’ll Be Okay

I hate my own company, I used to admire and love the solitude of being alone but now I do my best to avoid it. I didn’t hate the idea of solitude, I didn’t hate the idea of being alone, I hated the idea of being trapped with myself. Deep in the pit of my chest there’s this profound emptiness that I found never quite filled up. So I found solace in the company of others in the hopes that this pit would slowly but surely disappear.

That pit persisted it stayed, regardless of the people I ran too, regardless of the company I found. Before my girlfriend left me, I thought that this would be the pit that would fill this general loneliness, she then left me, but during and after the relationship that sinking pit was still there like an uncle who’s overstayed his welcome, an uncle who puts his dirty shoes on the coach, an uncle who watches the Kapamilya channel at full volume.

I don’t think I’m ready for something serious again, because I am deeply empty person. All my life I’ve been leading my life as if I’m human Tupperware looking for thing to fill and distract me from this pit. For as long as I lived I thought that this pit was to be filled by other people and that was the ONLY solve, now I know the only one who can fill this pit, this void and this feeling of lack is me.

I’ve been trying to find the little and big philosophical things that make me happy. I specifically want to out this piece of advice my friend LJ gave me, “now that she left and she was a big factor in your joy, maybe you should learn to define joy without her” ( her being my ex-girlfriend, her could also mean the random people I used to fill that hole ).

I’m excited to define happiness in my own terms, to learn to love solitude and being alone again. I used to think that the solution was in the arms of another, but more than often they still catch you and deep inside you’re still broken. It’s nobody’s job to fix you, unless it’s your mama of course, but other than that nobody is obliged to take a look at your baggage, your trauma, your personality problems and that lingering feeling of emptiness and offer to fix it but you.

I really am trying my best, because before in times of hardship my friends and relationships was the solace I ran too, but every time our short moments together ended, I could not have been more deeply unhappy to know that I was alone with myself again. This I found out is not how I want to go about my life anymore, I want to love myself wholesale, embrace all cracks and bumps and still work on whatever needs to be worked on

I don’t know this is probably my longest blog entry yet, it really is something I enjoy and I’m planning to get back into again. I wanted to end this entry with a list of gratitude.

Thank you to my Mama who has been very patient with me, she turned a break up into an opportunity to fix myself and really turn things around. I am grateful that you look in my dusty attic of a mind and really just tell me what I need and that’s to look for contentment within myself and loving myself outright.

Thank you to my Tita Eda for being the hard ass that you are, you always make the truth more palatable even though you have to be tough on me. Thank you for teaching me to cry and mourn but now allow this sadness to envelop me.

Thank you to my friends, but thank you to LJ specifically, you saved my life with this advice and I thank you for being supportive and really just pulling me out of my headspace when everything felt so hopeless.

Lastly thank you Zion for loving me in the short while that you did, what we had was beautiful and you taught me to foster care for myself. Even though you had to leave for yourself and now I realize for the betterment of both of us, I want you to know that I am still grateful to have been a recipient of that love, of Your Love. I pray that in my next life that I grow old with you.

I know there will be setbacks and I know that this feeling of sadness and “dili ko ka kasabot sa akong gi-bati” does not flow out of you in slowly smaller and bigger pieces. I learned through LJ again (she really saved my life) and through observation, that this grief comes in waves that doesn’t make sense, some days small, some days gigantic, some days you feel empty, some days you feel happy, just trust that this is progress.

Just trust that this is progress.

“Ma okay lang unta ko, Puhon”

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spencersmagic · 3 years

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when times were tougher

Summary: Spencer and Y/N have had a tough case - one that has left them both in pieces. How they cope is only an indication of their strength: as individuals and as a couple.

Couple: bisexual reader x soft! reid

Categories: angst, light fluff, baby! Spencer, drabble, Spencer being a complete and utter sucker for Y/N

TRIGGERS (please DO NOT READ if you are triggered by the following themes): mentions and descriptions of self-harm and mental illness, detailed descriptions of cases/gore stuff by unsubs to victims, floaty headspaces (tell me if I should add any more).

Word count: 3220 words

A/N this was supposed to be a short blurb where Reid comforts reader but because im sad, I have written a +3k self indulgent word vomit I am going to post. I have spent way too much time on this to not end up posting it.

- - -

The sound of keys clanking against the metal lock that prevented them from going into their apartment made her heart flutter for a minute.

How can a person feel as exhausted as I’m feeling right now?

They had touched down from Nebraska two hours ago and the euphoria of catching this particularly psychotic unsub didn’t allow the couple to rest in the jet, enjoying instead a fun couple of chess games which, much to Spencer’s surprise, had been very close. He would never admit it, instead enjoying the possession of the role of “intellectual” in the relationship (something he prided himself in greatly), but Y/N was stubborn.

She would never go down without a fight.

Don’t get me wrong, Y/N is incredibly smart and talented. I mean, she kept the doctor Spencer Reid on his toes – in each and every way you can think of. But when it comes to PhD’s and reciting books from memory, he had the upper hand.

So, they laughed during their way back. Their hearts were caffeinated and delighted with each other’s company, earning them a few groans from the team (though some teasing remarks too, to be fair), who were drained from the traumatic events of the past weeks.

Y/N had been a perfect addition to the team from the beginning, not only because of her amazing profiling skills (which placed her at, probably, one of the best profilers the bureau had ever seen), but because her joy was impossible to taint. It had been one of Reid’s main concerns when she came in: that and how pretty she looked in the shirt and loose skirt combo that seemed to be her signature look.

He was all but worried, nay, terrified that the job would drain her light when she started working tougher cases, incapable of staying positive and joyful after seeing the vast horrors that mankind had to offer. To his surprise, she was as tough as they came and, even though she had moments of weakness (but don’t we all?).

This particular trait of hers allowed the team to find light even in the darkest times. Spencer had feared that the darkness in their jobs would destroy Y/N’s light, but it was the other way around. She brought light into such a heartbreaking job.

The team noticed it, too. Before she came in, they would feel devastated after cases. Prentiss would stare out the tiny window of the jet for way too long, reflecting on the true nature of their jobs. Hotch would drown himself in paperwork and the politics of it all, trying to forget the bodies of people that had been so wrongfully sentenced and the eyes of the cocky unsubs that were too confident in the fact that they could do anything to anybody and wouldn’t face any consequences. Even Penelope, who normally would be a ray of sunshine, would be found with tears in her eyes, subconsciously but desperately clinging to the little artifacts around her workspace which kept her grounded. Y/N’s presence was, in many ways, a relief to the team. A way to escape the horrors that they were seeing by focusing on something else.

Some would say I’m naïve for glorifying the woman’s way of ignoring the hard truths of the job that they had all chosen. I might be just a narrator, but I don’t think there is a way in the world to have a job like this, where you try to save as many lives as you can – where you see so much pain, suffering and death – and not try to shield yourself. In some way, Y/N taught the team to find this shield.

The alternative is finding a different job.

The couple were silent. Nothing about their relationship forced them to speak when they didn’t instinctively need, or want, to. Conversation flew through them naturally – engaging, interesting or silly – leaving no room for superficialities and forced words. Their relationship was too precious to taint it with small talk.

Spencer opened the door, letting Y/N through first. She walked in, hung her jacket on the hanger as quickly and she could and plopped herself down on their couch, clearly too exhausted now to even change out of the clothes she had been wearing all day. There was really no explaining what was wrong. All she knew was that after days like the one she just had, filled with so many different emotions, she would float into a bubble, suddenly feeling helpless and needy. I mean, she was definitely capable of handling herself, but Spencer would never let her push herself even more than she had during the case. She deserved a break, and Spencer would give her all the breaks she needed.

She kicked off her boots and watched as her boyfriend carefully positioned everything they had taken with them to Nebraska on their respectful places. His jacket was hung carefully, as If it hadn’t been worn in ages, his scarf wrapped around the hanger perfectly and his own boots were lied carefully on the entrance floor. He was incredibly careful with his belongings, as if he somehow knew that what he had could easily be lost in so much as the blink of an eye. And he did.

Nothing he owned was his, really. His whole life, heart and soul was, in some way or another, hanging on the line by his job. Even his girlfriend could, in some way, find herself in jeopardy by their job.

He tried not to think about it.

She hugged her knees tightly, as she watched every one of Reid’s meticulous movements. She watched as he disappeared into their room, and she watched as he walked right out, holding a change of clothing for each of them. Her heart fluttered at the sight, looking up at her boyfriend, Doctor Spencer Reid, with his hair sticking all over the place, belt unbuckled, shirt unbuttoned, and holding two pairs of sweatpants, two pairs of fluffy socks, and the largest tank top he could find (he guessed she wouldn’t want to feel confined into the tight fabric). For a second, she couldn’t believe she had gotten so lucky as to have him.

To be fair, when he walked back into the living room and saw her, curled up against the back of the couch, cheeks resting on her knees, eyes peeping out from behind her knees, looking up at him with such adoration, he couldn’t believe somebody as beautiful, funny and incredibly intelligent as Y/N could look at him like she did.

She was everything.

They looked at each other like they were all there ever was. As if all energy and joy in the world had its root between the little string that connected the two of them. As if the world would collapse into itself if they ever found themselves too apart for far too long.

“Here you go” he whispered as he sat down next to her, trying to accommodate to her needs. “Thanks” she mumbled into her knees, looking up at him. He sighed, feeling helpless. He wanted to do so much more for her.

“I’ll grab you some water, darling. You should get comfortable” he said with a small smile.

But, by the time he was back with two glasses of water and a blue, glass bottle, she was still in the same position. As if she had been turned to marble. He looked down at her and tsked lightly, letting out a breathy laugh.

“You want me to help you, don’t you baby?” he said, to which she nodded eagerly, bumping her nose into her knees repeatedly.

He didn’t mind babying her as much as she needed, because he was aware of the emotional toll this case had taken on her – it just hit a bit too close to home. The victims were all too similar to Y/N and, even though they would never admit it, they both felt way too exposed. Like the girls with the carvings in the torso spelling “mine” were her own. As if now, as she changed and looked down, she would see the remainders of those carvings into her own skin. It made Y/N go to an incredibly needy and floaty place once the case was finished, and it made Spence want to hug her a little bit tighter than the last time.

So, babying her he did. He took off his girlfriend’s blouse, replacing it with the tank top he had so carefully selected and his Caltech sweater over it, in a desperate attempt to make her feel less exposed. To feel like she owned herself again. The second his smell on the polyester engulfed her frame she sighed into it, feeling a little bit more like herself.

“Thank you, Spence” she said, shifting to put on the pants herself before he stopped her. “No, I’ll do it for you. You don’t have to lift a finger. Not when you’re feeling like this”.

Spence was incredibly accommodating. He always made sure to reach to the people around him when they needed him. His profiling skills, paired with his astonishing intelligence, allowed him to understand what people needed of him most of the times. And, even though social cues weren’t his strong suit, he knew her more than he ever thought he could know anybody: even himself.

He grabbed the hem of Y/N’s pants before pulling the fabric down to her ankles, and started kissing her thighs. It wasn’t a sexual move, but a supportive one. One that screams “I’m here for you”. She sighed, rolling her head back at the closeness and proximity that she has access to. Wandering around Y/N’s skin was something the doctor was very familiar with, kissing on her shoulder blades and neck when she was tense.

But this time it was different. Maybe Spencer’s sensitivity to what was going on around him, trying to analyze every single thing about her reactions, making sure nothing about her expressions even whispered discomfort. But when he got to give the sides of her legs some love, he looked down and saw several small, white, but distinct lines crossing her skin. Spencer felt his skin crawl and his gut turning, feeling like he was going to throw up.

These were self-harm scars.

He had seen them before. But he had always thought they were a product of the tough job they both had. However, upon further examination, he noticed that the lines were too shallow, too straight to have been inflicted by somebody else. He had never given it a second thought. It hadn’t clicked until now.

He had never felt as stupid as he did in that moment. He had seen them. And he had never given them a second thought.

She felt it, too. She felt the sudden hesitance in Spencer’s movements. She felt his lips lingering on her skin, and his fingers trailing over the previously open marks. And her heart stopped.

Spencer looked down at the marks that had previously grazed his lips in such a violent manner. They screamed at him. He could almost hear them screaming at him. “I was here when you couldn’t do anything for her”.

“Y/N” he said, with a wary tone. “How did you uhmm” he paused to lick his lips “how did you get these?”.

He knew. Of course he knew. But, at this point, he wanted to know if she would tell him. He wanted to know if she trusted him like he did her.

“Spence,” she sighed, “it’s nothing really” she tried to convince him.

He felt his heart break, his head desperately shaking in disbelief. “Nonsense. You’re hurting yourself! I don’t know how to even begin to explain to you how big of a deal that is!” he raised his voice, angry, mostly angry at himself. How could he not realize? He is a profiler, for Gods sakes! He should’ve seen the signs. The hiding certain parts of her body, even well into the relationship, the way she closed down at times, unable to talk to anybody… The only reason he saw them was because she was feeling too tired, too consumed in his touch to even realize what was happening.

“It was a long time ago and I’m okay now. I’ve found ways to cope with it” she explained, slowly growing restless. “You know me. Hey” she grabbed his face. “Look at me” she said, trying to steer his attention away from the thoughts that were positively swarming his head. His eyes roamed her face before focusing on her eyes.

“It doesn’t matter if I know you” he whispered. “I know statistics. I know that 50% of bisexual women engage in some form of self-harm. Plus, childhood trauma is one of the leading risk factors, and anxiety just increases those odds. 25% of 13 year olds turn to self-harm in order to cope, which is around when you went through – “he stopped himself as she widened she eyes, not wanting to have her remember any traumatic events that might’ve happened to her when she was merely a child.

He looked at you before continuing, somehow more desperately than before.

“I should’ve at least considered the possibility that you could fall in those odds. This is something I should’ve known, and I don’t know why I didn’t notice sooner i-“ she stopped him by grabbing his hands, trying to ground his swarming head and calm his shaky limbs.

She chose to spoke, knowing that the easiest way to settle his mind would be with facts.

“I haven’t done it since I was 18. I would only hurt myself when I felt sort of uhm…” she trailed off, voice wavering “hopeless, I guess. When I didn’t know how to express what was happening inside my head. It was a- about rage, more than anything” she lowered her voice into a whisper, feeling way too small to occupy the room with her voice. Tears were washing down her cheeks, pooling at the bottom of her face, where Spencer collected them with the pads of his thumbs.

She sighed.

“I never told anybody about this because I have learned how to cope with it. When I get the urge to hurt myself, I ground myself, I try to remember that its temporary and that I’m hurting the people I love by doing this. I was at a very low point when I did this, but I’m okay now” you say, stopping to inspect his face. How can he be so pretty, even when he’s so anxious? She brushed the pad of her index finger over the creases between his eyebrows – an action you brought yourself to do to soften his features. She landed a soft peck where her thumb previously rested.

“I promise” she whispered, “if I ever feel the need to do it again, I’ll tell you”. He nodded into her hands, offering a small smile.

“Now” she prompted, trying to lighten the mood “I don’t think we should stay up any more time. Chances are, Hotch will have a new case for us tomorrow. Let’s go to bed.”

He held out his hand, which she gladly took, and walked them back to their room. Spencer took off his shirt, exposing his lean muscles, and changed into the clothing he previously planned on wearing. Y/N admired him from the bed.

She decided to break the silence, seeing how concentrated Spencer still was on his own thoughts.

“I’m not leaving you anytime soon, love. I promise”.

Suddenly, his face changed. His eyebrows furrowed, his eyes shifted, and he licked his lips like he does when he’s nervous or having trouble with a thought. He took his time changing and tucked himself into her chest (a position they commonly referred to when they needed to feel each other – having Spencer’s curls in your neck did calmed you down immensly).

“Can we set some rules?” he broke the silence. “I- I know you are okay now and haven’t relapsed in a wh- while but more than half of people who have a history of mental illness relapse, even well into their sobriety… I don’t like those odds. I just-“ he sighed “I just need to be completely sure that you will message me, call me, heck, even come down to the bullpen if you need to be with someone” he spoke, breaking Y/N’s heart a little bit. Frankly, she hadn’t noticed how much pain she would put him through if she did relapse.

Did she ever think of relapsing? Of course. Sometimes, when life gets tough, her mind would falter to the little object that allowed her to release all the pent up anger she had against herself. But she clearly knew that this wasn’t the way to do it. There’s thousands of ways to cope with the ups and downs of life.

However, both of them were aware of how strong the pull towards relapsing can be, which is why you nodded.

“Spence, I’ll be honest with you. I do think of relapsing sometimes” he nodded understandingly, eyebrows wound together “But” she continued, “I used to do that when I was in a very dark place. Now, I feel like everything is going well; both within me and around me.” she looked down at him, at his lips, swollen from biting them. She couldn’t help but to lower herself to meet his lips with her own. He reciprocated softly, but hungrily. As if saying “never leave me… please”.

She pulled apart and smiled. “I promise I will tell you if I have the urge to hurt myself” she offered, forcing a smile. She obviously didn’t feel too comfortable talking about this particular topic but wanted to power through it for the broken boy holding onto you like you were his last breath. Plus, this is Spencer, for God’s sakes. There’s nothing you could say that would make him leave you. He leaned in to kiss you again before speaking one last time.

“If you do relapse, you can still tell me, okay? I promise you I will not get mad; I just need to know”. He mumbled into your lips. After all, he was aware of how strong the urge to relapse is and he didn’t want you to go through the same pain that he had. The words “how did I ever get so lucky to have you?” were at the tip of your tongue, but you didn’t allow them to come out.

Spencer’s mind had calmed down significantly, partly because of her words, but mostly at the feeling of her back against his chest as they cuddled to sleep. “I wish I could never let go” he thought, feeling way too vulnerable to even fathom the idea of getting out of this bed, let alone go separate ways in tomorrow’s case.

Now that he knew about her tendency, he knew to look out for the signs and, though it hurt him to know that you wouldn’t tell him something like that he also understands that he wouldn’t want to tell you about his previous encounters with addiction. He understand what you’re feeling. What he doesn’t realize yet is that this would be making him question their dynamic in the most mundane situations.

#Spencer reid #fluff #angst #drabble #reid drabble #Spencer Reid fanfiction #Spencer Reid masterlist #Spencer Reid fluff #self harm #this is so very fluffy I can't function #I need a Reid #please

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louandhazaf · 3 years

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ANNUAL WRITING SELF EVALUATION

1. List of works published this year:

Feeling it Out (Hazoff) : Harry lost the grip on his towel, and it fluttered to the ground. The other guy took a step forward, reached down to pick it up, and stepped closer to Harry to return it. Close enough for Harry to see the occasional grey hidden in his beard, the unruly pit hair, still wet and clumped together, the way his dark chest hair continued down, through the middle of his belly and directly to his— Harry jerked his eyes up to see the the other guy's questioning look.

lost in my head (Larry) : Louis had been, until about a year prior, the love of Harry’s life.

battling on the regular (Louis/Sam Fender) : Sam rearranges all the thoughts in his head that had been bouncing around since Louis had said relationship shit. Gone are flouncy bottle blondes who are not so subtly taking advantage of him and instead there’s Calvin Harris, breaking his heart. As if Calvin Harris deserves someone kind and generous like Louis to begin with.

Campus Creatures (Larry) (cowrite with @kingsofeverything) : It’s senior year for werewolf Louis Tomlinson and vampire Harry Styles, and as presidents of their respective fraternities, they’re determined to do it right. Though what that means is anybody’s guess.

Those Hometown Lights (Lilo) : Louis came back into the screen a few moments later. He was in the faded red lifeguard trunks that Liam had spent many an afternoon drooling over from afar, but now it was practically a second set of skin, cupping his dick obscenely and leaving absolutely nothing to Liam’s imagination. “Sometimes I can’t tell if I look any different, but I guess those squats are paying off,” Louis says with a laugh. He does half of one, with his back towards Liam, his thighs tensing and the seams of the bathing suit pulling tight.

Nothing but Time on His Dirty Hands (Larry) : Harry enjoys his daydream about Louis Tomlinson.

A+ Patient (Larry) : Harry hated everything about the dentist—the antiseptic smell and the bright light in his face and the disappointment in himself and the suction thingy that kept his mouth too dry. But the thing he hated the most was how in love with his dentist he was.

Tommo the Tease (Nouis) : Seeing Tommo relaxed and shirtless in person was a whole lot different than seeing him gleaming and shirtless on a camboy video.

When We Hold On (To The Past) (Zouis) : “Not a story to tell while we’re fucking,” Louis said with half a laugh. Zayn could drop the subject and keep fucking him, keep the strings from getting attached, pretend that they weren’t getting closer than Louis was comfortable with. Or Zayn could choose the opposite path—which he did.

Golden (Larry) : Harry makes a costly wish.

2. Work you are most proud of (and why):

OOF. Well, I’d say either Feeling It Out -- because the Hazoff pairing was really hard to capture and the fact that I got through it and posted it means I should give myself a pat on the back -- or else When We Hold On (To The Past) because I had been wanting to write fallen angel Louis for literal years and I finally found a way to make it happen.

3. Work you are least proud of (and why):

Eh. I’ll go with Tommo the Tease because I forgot that I wrote it and then when compiling the list for #1 I put it as a Larry fic and then I just happened to catch the pairing and realized it was Nouis which means I wrote a Nouis fic this year and totally forgot about it???? So I must not love it. Which is fine! But therefore I’m not exactly proud of it.

4. A favorite excerpt of your writing:

This feels like a bit of a copout since it’s also the summary, but I really adore this moment of When We Hold On (To The Past)

“Not a story to tell while we’re fucking,” he said with half a laugh. Zayn could drop the subject and keep fucking him, keep the strings from getting attached, pretend that they weren’t getting closer than Louis was comfortable with. Or Zayn could choose the opposite path—and he did—of pulling his fingers out and wiping them down and sitting comfortably, with his wide, intense eyes boring into Louis.

I just really love the idea of Louis trying so hard to keep a distance from Zayn, and then opening up for him (heh, while he was being opened up by him) by giving Zayn a choice, of either the physical or the emotional? I think this fic is a lot about living with the choices you’ve made, and this moment is sort of a corner where their relationship is going to change in major ways -- both because of Zayn’s choice to dig deeper emotionally and Louis’ choice to take another risk.

5. Share or describe a favorite review you received:

All of them. Literally every nice comment, every kudos, every fic rec... each one brings joys to my life.

6. A time when writing was really, really hard:

I mean.... motions vaguely to all of 2020. A quick summary of my year - I was laid off on 12/31 so I started the year jobless. Then we uprooted my family due to Covid19. I’ve been jobless all year. I decided to stay in the new location, so I’ve effectively moved... but my husband is still in the old location. I’ve come out as non-binary, I’ve done a lot of thinking about what I want my future to look like, I’ve been home schooling, and I’ve a year that is basically a total transition. So basically, all year writing was really, really hard. But since about end of summer, writing has been so hard that I haven’t done it at all.

7. A scene or character you wrote that surprised you:

Looking back, I’m surprised I wrote so many pairings! Hazoff, Larry, Louis/Sam, Lilo, Nouis, & Zouis!

8. How did you grow as a writer this year:

to be honest, I’m not sure I did, but more importantly, I managed to write 10 fics during a global pandemic, so I’m not going to beat myself up about it.

9. How do you hope to grow next year:

ha. Well. At this point simply getting back into the habit of writing would be a huge win for me, so let’s go with that.

10. Who was your greatest positive influence this year as a writer (could be another writer or beta or cheerleader or muse etc etc):

Literally everyone who was able to write during this year??? Like, I know how hard it’s been for me, and to still get to visit ao3 and have new works to read and to get to cheer my friends on, that has brought me so much happiness and stability and I can’t express enough how amazing it is to be part of such a great community

11. Anything from your real life show up in your writing this year:

Other than ongoing themes of learning to communicate, and the Lilo fic happening during the pandemic, nope.

12. Any new wisdom you can share with other writers:

I am not in a headspace to be offering up wisdom, but I hope other writers know how valued they are!

13. Any projects you’re looking forward to starting (or finishing) in the new year:

Yes. ha. There are some. I’m going to hold my cards close to my chest though.

14. Tag three writers whose answers you’d like to read.

@kingsofeverything @disgruntledkittenface @lululawrence

*All answers should be about works published in 2020. Also, you can skip any questions you hate or don’t want to answer, but please leave them on the list so that others can do them if they want.

(also, here’re my responses from 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019)

#this one is a little early this year but i'm not going to post anything else this year #so here we are #ha #whinging on about my writing

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bangtanblurbs · 3 years

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abyss

song: abyss by jin

first experience: as a relatively new song, i remember clearly abyss’ drop. 12/2/2020 - several months into whatever quarantine had come to mean by that point, thanksgiving had just past and christmas was coming up in a matter of weeks. those few weeks between the holidays often pass by in a blur for me. holidays are hard. they’re not the romantic times they always were when i was a child. once again i’d been sitting at home in my tiny studio apartment, freezing, trying to crank through work and school obligations. i can assure you my headspace was less than great, between the cold, the holiday season, the deadlines that had piled up... abyss dropping was the perfect medicine for how i was feeling.

feelings: when i listen to abyss i can’t help but feel emotional. of course. naturally the accompanying note that came with abyss was heartbreaking enough. but at the same time, the song feels like home. it feels like walking into my apartment after a long day and slipping into my favorite hoodie that desperately needs to be thrown into the wash. the familiar feeling brings about warmth despite the sobering reality that i’m still here, by myself, slipping into my ratty clothing and climbing into bed to disassociate from the self-hatred, stress, obligation, and grief i carry daily. the reality is, listening to abyss is like listening to my inner voice. i’m not saying i understand jin, or any of the shit he’s obviously gone through and dealt with in his very colorful life, but i feel close to him whenever i put the song on. i feel like as i grow older - i grow into myself - i grow into the pain i’ve harbored for years now. while i sometimes feel like i’m drowning in the abyss, at least i have the comfort that my feelings aren’t as alien as they seem. especially for someone who has been fortunate in life in many ways - this song shows me that i’m still *allowed* to hurt. i’m still allowed to carry my pain and feel it flow through me.

i must also say, that my heart broke many times know that jin feels the emotions that abyss conveys. the self-doubt, the anxiety... how we all must wish we could wash it away. i only hope with all of my heart that he’s been given time, space, and resources to process his emotions fully. i can’t imagine carrying what he’s carrying and having the schedule he has. bless.

personal connection: as alluded to, i’m not the most stable person. i can post happy photos online, i can breathe my idealism into others, i can love with the full capacity of my heart - but i have plenty of demons. i’m not sure where they came from, i noticed them around the time i became a teenager - that sinking feeling that all aspects of my existence are ugly, undesirable, annoying. these demons have never gone away. no matter how much i strive for my dreams, no matter what i accomplish, the amount of solitude that exists in my life allows for the cracks in my heart to rip open forcefully.

it’s this very thinking that limits me. i don’t believe in myself. i don’t really believe in anything if i’m being honest. everything feels dark. there’s ups and downs. much how jin describes in the song - i desperately want to be a part of a more vibrant existence. i deeply want to connect with others, but the anxiety, the self doubt, the hatred i harbor, they’re paralyzing. simple tasks - texting a friend to make plans, following through with plans, speaking in a group setting, advocating for myself, they’re all things i’d rather shut the door on. vulnerability? i can’t open myself up for any more pain. in my mind, i’d rather retreat to the darkness, convincing myself i’m not worthy of taking another’s time, space, efforts. and i get overwhelmed, the feelings that jin is describing perfectly - having someone take an interest in me - having someone show me love... it feels false, it takes my breath away, only makes me question more. it makes me wonder how long i’ll indulge them before i push them away and move to my own abyss.

in abyss jin isn’t even talking about another person. he’s speaking to himself. there’s not a romantic or even friendship he’s speaking of in the song. it’s more about like - is it okay for me to feel happy or hopeful? am i someone who should be allowed to meet happiness? this is something i relate to even more profoundly than the previously mentioned worries over letting new people into my life. ever since i went off to university from my kinda shitty hometown i wondered... is this life something i’m allowed to have for myself? am i worthy of it? did i do anything to deserve the place i’m at? i feel often like my work, my thoughts, my actions -- they’re not enough to place me in some of the places i’ve been lucky enough to have a seat. these doubts can cripple me with inaction and keep me chained to the present, or at the very least held back from progress and moving forward. these feelings were exactly what i was going through in december. do i deserve to be pursuing my phd? am i worthy? i haven’t accomplished near what my peers have, and i probably never will... i’m not as passionate as the others i pass by in the hallways, those i share a floor with at meetings... i’m a shell compared to them. should i retreat to my abyss rather than continue to occupy space where i don’t feel i’m allowed to be? am i allowed to celebrate and feel happiness when i’m not really doing as well as i could be?

obviously this sounds like whining, it sounds pathetic. and perhaps to someone it is, but it’s the reality of my mind. it’s something i bear and it’s something i’m finally okay sharing with others. i don’t know how to overcome these emotions i harbor - but that feeling of feeling most comfortable in my abyss, in the dark, in the little world i’ve created in my lonely haven... that’s my reality. that’s the feeling that i’ve connected to when i listen to abyss. it’s those moments when you look our your window, at your phone, and you see the outside world moving rapidly in the sunlight, and you can’t help but feel you don’t deserve to be a part of it... you can’t help but know that your true place is in the abyss. the pleasure i receive from escaping reality is unexplainable. and sometimes, it’s pleasure in the fact that i’m punishing myself, putting myself in the dark and ugly place i think i truly belong. that abyss - it’s my haven. it’s my sanctuary.

song breakdown:

musically: abyss is beautifully understated musically, but not in a way that makes it a stripped vocal song... but instead in a way that highlights the emotion laden in jin’s voice. the piano backing picks up with the song and brings in some effects along the way to highlight the emotional pauses between the heavy lyrics. its the perfect ballad. truly. the incorporation of a steady beat track at the second verse also ads to the emotions of feeling like something is dragging, the monotony of these emotions as one carries through each day.

the dramatic pauses that lead into the verses and highlight the pure emotion carried in jin’s tone also bring emphasis to the powerful refrain in the chorus - it’s almost reminiscent of personal realizations, personal *epiphanies* one might say. that moment where you draw in a big breath and gulp it down before confronting your demons. while the track keeps it’s steady pace, it does what it should for this piece - highlights the beauty of jin’s voice, and carries the weight of the emotions in the lyrics.

vocally: honestly, just wow. jin’s voice, is absolutely stunning in this song. completely breathtaking in the best kind of way. i say this with nothing but complete respect - jin’s vocals have done nothing but improve and grow in strength over time to the complete crisp perfection they are today. the amount of emotion he carries in his tone is also perfect to deliver such a profound ballad as abyss. i hope he knows that we can feel every ounce of truth and healing he put into the song.

we all know jin is the high note king, but he honestly ops for more of a storytelling vibe in this song, keeping within his lower register throughout the verses. it really isn’t until we are mid-chorus that we get the breathtaking high note during the line “ 잠기고 싶어 가보고 싶어.” this is perhaps the most profound lyric of the chorus as well, since it’s the moment in which jin expresses a desire. most of the lyrics up to that point explain a state of being, his emotions, but at this point - he is almost calling out his desire. his painful desire. to stay lost within in his abyss. it’s painful and stunningly beautiful at the same time.

the genius of the entire song was jin delivering abyss in a way that we don’t always hear him sing in BTS songs. the buttery smoothness of his voice is on full display, with no need to stay in his high register for long we can really hear the weight in his tone, the pleading in his voice, the sincerity. it’s sobering, and it’s powerful. and i must say, i can’t wait to get more songs like this from jin in the future. i hope he continues to share his heart, his voice, and his talent with us.

lyrically: oh man. this one is a deep cut. you can really feel jin’s voice throughout the lyrics of abyss. the accompanying note that he released with the song brings a lot of context and understanding to the lyrics. in the note jin explains feeling inadequate and insecure in light of the amazing accomplishments that BTS had made over the years, specifically highlighting the #1 on Billboard Hot 100. he explains that he felt like his passion and talents were lacking compared to others in music, and felt undeserving of the love, joy, and recognition he received. his emotions seem to be similar to those of imposter syndrome, feeling like he doesn’t belong in a space he inhabits and actually receives accolades for existing within. what’s more telling is in this note jin expresses his apprehension to share these sadder emotions he harbors. this song is so incredibly raw for being a place in which jin finally found a space in which to express his feelings, let them run freely and beautifully without the concern that he needed to stay strong for ARMY.

to jump right into a closer analysis of the lyrics - the song begins with a story like vibe. the first lyric “i hold my breath as i walk into my sea” brings about the image of the speaker (i apologize in advance if i alternate between speaker and jin) beginning their descent into deeper waters of the ocean. the speaker is bracing for this though, as they are the one propelling it forward with enough pacing to prepare and hold their breath. to me, this is alluding to jin knowing that he’s falling into a darker space in his mind, consciously allowing himself to slip into that space. he then moves into describing his state “i face myself who is crying beautifully and sorrowfully.” jin is describing that he’s taking account of his state, speaking to himself and seeing the distraught state that exists within his mind -- seeping into his outer appearance.

the pre-chorus moves into a different vibe, jin addresses the duality in himself. he recognizes both the parts of himself that are strong - that can shoulder and carry the parts of him that are deeply broken and sad. “myself in that darkness / i’d like to go find him and tell him” this is jin speaking with clarity to his broken self, his rationality coming through to speak to the parts of him that are insecure and hurting. “that i’d like to know more about you today, yeah” perhaps this is jin’s way of saying that he wishes he understood himself better, that he wishes he could more confidently identify the emotions he was feeling and process them fully. the pre-chorus in my mind is jin using some clarity to check in with himself and take inventory of his state when he’s in his darkest moments.

the chorus picks up and delivers a few devastatingly beautiful and sobering lines. “still, i remain with myself / with my voice unable to come out, i just circle around him.” this is where we see the ultimate conclusion of the engagement in the pre-chorus... jin’s insecurity and pain keeps his strength from winning out. the duality in his being still exists, but in this moment it’s the pain, the insecurity, the feelings of inadequacy that have won out. “that dark place, / i’d like to be submerged in it, i’d like to go to it / i’ll be there” jin then places us back into the story he started in the beginning of the song - he’s submerged in the abyss, the darkest and deepest point of the ocean. he speaks to taking the time to really feel the emotions that he is harboring, causing him pain. while this could be a conscious decision he is making to better understand and process his emotions it’s also likely that this desire is rooted in self-loathing, a desire to self-punish for his perceived shortcomings. the pleasure that sometimes one can gain from fully feeling pain that they believe they deserve. the line about being submerged also brings about the image of an anchor in my mind - like these emotions are weighing jin down. while anchors may sink slowly (like slowly taking a breath and walking into the sea) they’re hard to pull back up -- they want to stay seated to the ground, where they belong to do their job. perhaps jin is in some ways alluding to this. either way, the chorus is about a desire to remain in the dark place, where it feels safe, where he feels he deserves to be. the final line is “today as well, i circle around you again.” which brings us back to the pre-chorus dialogue between jin’s duality - the part of him that may rationally understand that he deserves love, that he works hard, that he is worthy... but yet this part can’t seem to gain control over the darker feelings within him... so there’s this idling, this perpetual circle of inaction.

moving into the second verse this interaction occurring within jin’s inner being continues. “the closer i get to you, the more breathless i become and the father away you feel” while this line is a bit more difficult for me to completely understand what i think he is speaking to is that as he begins to think he understands his emotions, when he thinks he might be regaining his confidence he realizes he is only scratching the surface. he realizes that there’s more to his darker emotions than he’d initially thought. perhaps he thought he was just having a bad day or feeling in funk, but then he realizes that there’s a piece of him that he doesn’t quite understand and perhaps isn’t ready to understand as the word “breathless” invokes a feeling of overwhelm. the second and closing line of the verse is “wouldn’t it be that you went deeper into the sea, yeah” invoking that these darker emotions only continue to grow, evolve, and perhaps overwhelm. he feels like he can’t quite pull himself out of the place he’s in, no matter what he tries.

the pre-chrous as analyzed above then repeats, although the meaning is somewhat different when following the second verse. this is because the nature of the second verse is more hopeless in nature, therefore while jin would like to be able to regain some control over these darker feelings -- he’s just expressed that as he tries he finds it more overwhelming and difficult. finds himself moving further into the dark emotions.

the final chorus is different that the previous - the lyrics change and while they continue a deeply sorrowful theme, they also bring about some hope. the first line, “still, i remain with you” is telling. jin is reminding himself that even if he feels consumed by these emotions, the other components of him still exist. he isn’t just the darker feelings that have taken precedence. he can have his confidence when he’s ready, he can maintain his duality. all aspects of jin, even if he’s feeling broken. “with my voice unable to come out, i just circle around him.” even if he feels he can’t gain control of these emotions, he can be patient with himself, he can know that there’s the potential that he can overcome, but also he knows that it’s okay in this moment to just feel. “that dark place / i’d like to be submerged in it, i’d like to go to it” this line is re-emphasizing jin’s desire to stay in the place where he feels comfortable, where he can feel his darker emotions, where he things he truly deserves to be. “today as well, like this, i close my eyes to get to you.” this is the final line of the song and it delivers a sense of comfort. no matter what, jin knows that he can be at peace - he may have these darker emotions, but he can close his eyes, he can rest and carry all aspects of his emotional state. the dark, the light, the highs and the lows. he can take his time in the abyss when he needs to.

tl;dr? abyss is one of those songs that anyone who has struggled with self-doubt, dabbled or dipped fully into self-hatred can identify with. many people i’m sure have their own abyss. their own place in their mind where they’d like to lock themselves in - a prison of their own design that in one way might be one’s punishment for their perceived shortcomings, but also can be a paradise when a beautiful being seemingly undeserved reality feels like too much to bear. jin’s artistry both in terms of lyrics and vocals are on full display in the song - showing his amazing range and delivering a piece full of emotional tones. abyss is a stunning piece of the man’s mind and heart that i am extremely grateful to be able to experience.

#bts #seokjin #jin #bangtan #Lyrics #analysis #abyss #abyss jin #army

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1-800-jmsbckbrns · 5 years

Text

‘code pink’

abo au #4.2 | alpha!stucky x omega!reader

‘you need to be strong for both of them’

a part 2 to paging doctor, which you can read here!

Steve exited the delivery room as soon as he could. The Beta nurses could handle taking care of the child and returning the Omega to her room. Or, he at least hoped as much. He didn’t trust his staff much after some of the slip-ups they’ve made.

Wanda was waiting just down the hall, her hands gripped together in worry. As if that wasn’t enough, Steve could smell it on her as well.

“What’s the situation?” Steve was adjusting his coat as they walked to wherever Wanda was taking him. She glanced at her pager for a moment before looking back to the hall. Was she reading something about Y/N? Did Bucky page her? Why didn’t he page him, if it was about Y/N?

“Something was obstructing the birth canal. Bucky was going to do the surgery but he couldn’t get out of the headspace. Stark is going to take over so you two can take over as supportive Alphas,” Wanda said.

They stopped before Y/N’s room. He knew she wasn’t there, nor was Bucky. Their pulse, their connection, was fainter. He wasn’t sure why they had stopped there.

“How is she?”

Wanda opened the door to the room and went to retrieve a ponytail and bobby-pins. Ah, Y/N’s hair was in the way. Steve should have expected as much.

“Panicked. Her pups are in danger, and Bucky being worried only worries her more.” Wanda turned to him and pointed a finger to his chest.

“Which is why you need to be ready to walk in that room and be ready to be head Alpha today. You need to be calm enough for the both of them.”

Wanda removed her hand and watched Steve put his hands on his hips. He looked down to the floor briefly.

“Okay,” he took in a deep breath, “I can do this.”

If he could calm Bucky down, then they could calm Y/N down. Though Bucky could get angry that he didn’t take care of their Omega first....

He could comfort Y/N first and that would help Bucky calm down as well. Either way, he was in charge of keeping everyone calm. That was his job right now.

The pair headed to the operating room and made it through all the clearances. Steve could feel the pulse grow stronger, as well as the worry settling under his skin. They must be getting close.

One turn of the hall and Steve was right. Bucky was sitting outside the room, staring at the door. That chair surely didn’t belong there, which meant he dragged it from the waiting room. His worry would almost be cute if his Omega wasn’t on the line.

“They kicked you out?” Steve’s voice was strong, but it wasn’t harsh. Bucky was more comforted by being honest than fluff and sweetness. At least from Steve anyway. Y/N was better at a softer touch and kinder words.

“I kicked myself out. Crazy what she can do to me.” He sounded defeated. There was nothing he wanted more than to be with Y/N, but the sight of her worry and the pain he could feel radiating from her....

“I’m gonna go take a look. She was put under, right?”

Bucky nodded, but his eyes didn’t meet Steve’s. Part of him felt as if he had let his pack down. Maybe he should have noticed the obstruction when she was at her last appointment, or through the hormone shifts. Something should have clued him in but he was too clouded to notice.

“We’ll talk in a minute. I’ll be right back,” Steve whispered. He held both sides of Bucky’s head and kissed his forehead. It was longer than usual, but he could feel Bucky relax some under his touch.

It took some time and effort but Steve was able to look through the window of the OR door and see some of what was happening. Stark was working hard to help their Omega. Though he couldn’t go in. They had to play a waiting game.

Steve returned to Bucky after he retrieved a chair from the waiting room. They could sit together and wait for the news. Their hands were intertwined as they sat in silence.

“She’s gonna be okay. Stark’s the best we know,” Bucky mumbled. He mostly wanted to reassure himself. Steve appreciated it though.

“You’re right. Y/N is our strong Omega. This is nothing for her.” Steve knew this and believed it in his heart of hearts.

It was a while before Stark finally came out. He looked exhausted but had a smile on his face. His presence sent the two Alphas standing full attention on him.

“She’s fine, and so are the pups. Small obstruction was removed and shouldn’t cause any problems in the future. Y/N will be back to her room and the pups are on their way to the nursery. Once she’s up, let Nat know.”

The three Alphas walked in the direction of the nursery. Stark wanted to see the pups all clean and ready to greet the world. He helped deliver them after all.

Bucky was the first to notice two pink bundles being carted in. They were so small, so pudgy. He wanted to hold them and never let them go.

“What beauties. You two should be proud,” Stark commented. He patted both their backs, then left to return to his job.

“I can’t believe....” Bucky’s sentence trailed off. He couldn’t believe so many things. He wasn’t sure what he did in a past life to feel such joy as this.

“I can. Our family is growing, and for the better.” Steve pulled Bucky in and kissed his cheek. They stayed in a comfortable hold for a few moments, watching their pups adjust to the new world.

“Let’s head back to Y/N. She’s gotta be back by now.”

Bucky held Steve’s hand on their walk. His head had leveled out some hearing the news from Stark and seeing his pups. Of course, Steve was a big help too. Sometimes when the static in his mind grew too loud, Steve knew the right words to silence it all.

Steve slowly opened the door in case Y/N was still sleeping. He and Bucky shuffled in together. She was barely awake, pinning her hair back correctly. There was something somber in her smell.

It wasn’t a secret that Y/N wanted to birth her pups naturally. She wanted a no hitch, all happy birth that made her Alphas proud of her. Knowing their Omega, she wasn’t happy with how this went down.

“There’s our wonderful Omega,” Steve said. He walked to the right side of her bed, sitting on the edge and holding her free hand. He didn’t want to agitate the IV in her other hand.

“Are they okay? Did I, Did I-” Y/N cut herself off by sobbing. The emotions were too much for her. She hoped it was just from the haze of surgery and all.

Both the Alphas were by her side in a minute, trying to comfort her. Steve rubbed her arm while Bucky rubbed her back.

“They’re both in the nursery, bundled and sleeping,” Bucky said. Steve nodded in confirmation.

“Stark said they were the picture of perfect pups. Healthy as can be.” That helped Y/N calm down significantly. Bucky wiped away her tears and kissed her cheek. She smiled at him, then Steve after. They were the best Alphas.

“Can I see them? Please?” Y/N wanted nothing more than to hold her pups and have her Alphas with her. She didn’t get to hold them during the birth, so she’d have to hold them for twice as long. If Bucky and Steve wouldn’t get so snarly, she’d keep them all to herself for the first hour at least. Though her Alphas deserved to see them and hold them and every other thing she could think of.

“I’m on it.” Steve pulled out his phone and started texting quickly. Y/N was very thankful her husbands had such big roles here. It made this whole situation easier to swallow.

It wasn’t long before two pups were delivered to the room. Any scent of worry had left Y/N and she was tickled to see her pups. The pack was full of excitement to see them.

“Pup A.” Wanda handed the first one to Y/N, carefully lowering the pup into her arms. Oh, she was perfect. Though she was spitting image of Bucky Barnes if she had ever seen one. She was gonna have all the boys and girls chasing after her.

“And Pup B.” The other pup was cradled in Y/N’s other arm. She was a little smaller, a little lighter than her sister. She took after Steve, but had Y/N’s nose. Still cute as a button to her.

Bucky and Steve were immediately enamored by their pups. They were pudgy and a little scary looking, but the two Alphas were too clouded by love to care. Their pack was complete.

Pup A was named Charlotte Rebekah. Bucky wanted to honor both his sister as well as Y/N’s. Plus, he wouldn’t admit it but he had always wanted a little girl named Charlie. They were gonna be a tag team, he could already tell.

Pup B was named Amelia May. There wasn’t much of a reason for the name. Steve had approached his Alpha and Omega with it and they both loved it. When she was finally here and tucked into Steve’s arms, he knew that it was perfect for this little pup.

Everything was finally perfect.

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author’s note: This took forever and ever but it is FINALLY here and done and everything. I had to scrap it all and restart. I also want to give a big, huge thank you to @ilostmylovetopoetry for beta-ing this and helping me fix it up. It means so much!

requests: Open! Feel free to send any requests here, and if you already have, I am working on them now!

tag list-

paging doctor pt.2: @fuyukaimemeboi | @ms-unorthodox-galaxy | @superheroabc | @bellejeunefillesansmerci | @capnbuck-tiltheend-oftheline

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mystic-kitten-writer · 4 years

Note

It’s wonderful how you love reading people’s words about almost anything and attend to their words, being able to sense their feelings behind it. And I agree, it’s so lovely when you can sense a person’s joy through their words, as you said! Here I am once again, feeling special, thanks to you 💛 You’re a darling! And I’ll try my best to send long asks whenever possible!! (1/11)

Ahh, it’s going to be a while before I actually feel comfortable doing chart readings! But you know what? I would be happy to read your astrology chart for free, if you want! It would be great practice for me and it would give me a chance to grow my confidence. Though only if you want, let me know! ☺️ I’m so happy to know you’re learning and grasping everything perfectly! The way you believe in me astrology-wise makes my heart all warm �� (2/11)

I’m sorry your summer courses got cancelled btw, especially since you were on track to graduate. Hopefully, this gives you time for yourself though. I wish I can say I enjoy being active too, but it’s not something I do often tbh. Though I do love walking, as well as dancing (but it’s been a while). I need to find more activities that can get me moving 😔 Ah I see, what solo activities do you like doing to stay active? (I fall on the introverted side, I tend to favor being alone too) (3/11)

I’m on the same boat as you + your family. I haven’t been outside since mid-March and being at home until now has made me a bit antsy. It probably added to the weird headspace I was in too. Though that’s gone now, I’m feeling much better + less stressed thankfully. The semester is still in session for me, I’ve got about until mid-May until it’s over. Though I’m glad that school will be over before my birthday, so that’s a blessing I’m super thankful for! I can enjoy my day in peace, aha. (4/11)

Manipulation can be associated with a few other signs too actually, but Scorpio is definitely up there in the top three! And it is definitely true that that as you get older, you can either grow more into your sign’s archetype or some traits lessen over time. Rather than it being some traits disappearing, it’s more likely due to other planetary energies in certain signs coming into play and becoming more prominent. (5/11)

There’s also this point in everyone’s chart, the midheaven. It’s been said that whatever sign a person’s midheaven is in, that person shows more of that energy as they get older. Which brings me to how you got the impression that I’m a Libra! My midheaven is in Libra, which is probably why you felt that more than Taurus. It’s fascinating, especially since we’re just interacting through messages. Didn’t know my Libra energy was showing that strongly but it’s nice being aware of that now! (‪6/11‬)

I will definitely let you know if any of my guesses change when I do a rewatch of the whole series! (P.S. did you hear the announcement that A:TLA will be on Netflix ‪on May 15th‬?!) And to make it more fun, I’ll assess the other characters as well and share what signs I believe they could possibly be! I’ll consider it my mini summer project 😋 But oh my gosh, soft Zuko in the comics? 🤧 Maybe I should read the comics too then, since it might give me more material to work with. (‪7/11‬)

Your questions made sense, it’s all good! I think the best thing to refer to and see how Yue’s Venus energy influences Zuko’s Cancer side is that conversation in chapter 22 of Limerence, where Zuko told Yue that if having a family meant having a family with her, then that’s all he could ever want. Of course, he loves her, so there’s no doubt about them having a family together eventually. (‪8/11‬)

Though this is highlighted more with Yue’s Venus + Zuko’s Cancer energy because those energies meshing creates a soft/tender vibe, which makes coming together and creating a family highly ideal. Because Venus carries this loving energy which reinforces Cancer’s love for being domestic. As for the dynamic of Yue’s Libra and Zuko’s Aries, I feel that it’s one of the things that sets the overall tone for their relationship. (‪9/11‬)

With Aries/Libra, it’s kind of a classic case of Venus & Mars, so Yue being the affectionate/gentle one while Zuko being the intense/bold one, that paints the picture of their Aries/Libra dynamic. All that Libra/Scorpio energy in your sister’s family though, wow!! There are some common patterns in astrology that can occur with family, and one of those patterns can manifest as a certain sign or two being strong in the family. I guess that’s completely true for your sister! (‪10/11‬)

I’ll wrap all of this up by saying that chapter 33 of Limerence is completely enthralling! With every single chapter, I’m just in love with your storytelling. You’re such a fantastic writer! And also, it’s very enjoyable talking to you every time! Thank you for showing such warm energy always, it’s refreshing 💜 - 🌻 (‪11/11‬)

AHHHH – my lovely 🌻-anon~! 🥰🥰🥰

How long have you been studying astrology, and how long does it usually take for one to gain the confidence and skills to provide a service? I’m just so curious – but I never had anyone to ask these questions and learn. I’m sorry if these queries sound silly 😅

BUT BABE.

I would love a reading – but I’ll have to give you something. I refuse to not pay or give something back (even if small!). Plus, I need to say thank you for indulging me and letting me bother you non-stop with my questions 😂 But, seriously – you should be confident. You have literally not only captured my interest but a lot of others too!

Honestly, as sucky as it is to not graduate, I’m doing exactly that – taking the time for myself. I’ve been going for walks as of late while listening to some tunes! I live near conservation, so I’m lucky that I have a huge forest with lakes and a beach to unwind. But before I got hurt, I used to do cross-country, high-jump, and shotput (I miss those days 😭).

But, if you enjoy dancing – I encourage Zumba💃

I know it seems random, but it’s something super fun to do by yourself (or with someone else, I usually do it with my mom) and it just gets you moving. I’ve been doing Zumba almost every day because sitting on the couch is starting to get to me. It’s totally random – but it’s a fun way to get active in the comforts of your home, and you got some fun music to listen to. I’m glad to hear you’ve gotten out of that weird headspace though – I relate a lot to you in that aspect. It can take a while to get out of it, but the important part is that you did it! And I wish you the best with school, you’re almost done.

Also, happy Taurus season, babe~! 😘😘

Ouu, so what other signs associate with manipulation? I always hear Scorpio, so you’ve piqued my interest. And, I’m going to be honest, I’m still in shock that you’re a Taurus LOOL. I don’t know why, but the way you write reminds me of some of my friends/family who are Libras. You just have this diplomacy when you write? Do I sound crazy – probably 😂😂. I’ve never heard about the midheaven, but now that you told me that, it does make a lot of sense. Like you know how Zuko screams Mars? You scream Libra for me😋

YES I DID HEAR. Okay, so I’m from Canada, so ATLA is already here for us to watch – but my best friend (he lives in the States) literally called me screaming in excitement. We’re planning binge-watching dates for us to video chat and watch together. So I think I can safely assume you shall be binge-watching ATLA starting May 15 😉😉

Soft Zuko.

I swear, I fangirled soooooooo damn hard.

My heart – gone.

Soul – snatched.

Zuko is just such a cutie, like a teddy bear – with that smile of his and I just ajsdksadjksjdkasdksd My body can’t handle this level of cuteness. Like he has his kick-ass moments, but getting to see that other side of him was beautiful. My favourite moment was he gives Kiyi a piggy-back ride and tucks her into bed. If you end up reading the comics – you gotta let me know. I’m dying to know what you think of it!

It was also neat seeing Katara’s and Aang’s relationship develop in the comics (and Toph). Like the comics captured the essence of an awkward teenage romance (Katara and Aang) blooming into a long-lasting relationship. Like my friends said they cringed so hard during some ‘romantic’ moments between them, and they’re like it made us cringe not because it was bad, but because that was us when we were teenagers with our partners.

Oh wow – thank you for the examples! Honestly, it makes sense now about the domestic aspects with Zuko’s Cancer and Yue’s Venus. I just needed to make sure I was understanding it, I need to know these facts👏👏 But I swear – I feel like their whole relationship is the definition of chaotic neutral 😂😂

Is there a reason why certain signs have a strong presence in certain families (like you mentioned how you have a lot of ‘me’s’ in yours lol). Or is just random?

But I’m glad you enjoyed chapter 33, love! It feels so nice to get back into a writing routine – I was going nuts, not able to write consistently. I need to channel my chaotic energy into my stories LOOL

But I hope you’re taking care of yourself (family and friends included) in these times! It’s nice engaging in these long chats, it makes so happy (can you tell 😂).

I can’t wait till I hear from you again🌻~! 💜💜💜

#ask me anything #anon answered #atla #Avatar The Last Airbender #🌻#🌻 anon #sunflower anon

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binnie-binnie-bambam · 4 years

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where I’ve been...?

hey. I feel like I owe y’all an explanation as to where I’ve been for the last 3 months. but imma put it the whole big detailed story under the cut just in case y’all don’t care haha and coz I don’t wanna clog up people’s feed with my incessant rambling.

TL;DR: I’ve been through 3 months of mental hell and that took a big toll on everything, including my love of a lot of things, so I’ve been struggling but I’m gonna try to be on here more and I’m sorry for being away for so long and not saying anything about it. Thank you to everyone who has tagged me in things and sent me messages during this time, I have seen it, I promise, even if I haven’t been in the right headspace to respond, you have made this time even just a bit more bearable, and for that I thank you greatly.

so yeah, things have been rough to say the least. I want to explain what’s been going on because I’ve always been pretty open on here and I know a lot of other people struggle with the same things so I don’t feel so alone. basically, I’ve fallen into another awful depression. I’ve lost my passion and drive and desire, I’ve lost the ability to find joy in things, I have no interest in hardly anything at all, I’m just not...me...right now.

I mean, my whole summer was crazy busy because I was spending almost all of my time doing wedding prep for my best friend/cousin’s wedding so I really didn’t have much time for myself and if I did, I was too exhausted to do anything I wanted to do. that’s when my partial inactivity started. I also started to see a new psychiatrist over the summer and he started me on new meds around August. since August, over a span of ~5 months, I’ve been on and off 6+ new meds, being treated for severe anxiety, panic attacks that resurfaced after being free of them for over 4 years, severe depression, ADHD, and trying different things to see if I had bipolar, as well as having a heart condition, thyroid issues, and fibromyalgia all going haywire.

I was pretty much ok through September, aside from some not so fun side effects that got me on and off 3 new meds in that month alone. like my mood and motivation and everything was fine, we had the engagement party and bachelorette party at the beginning of the month, I got to spend a bunch of time with the guy I have a (stupid) crush on, I was busy, things were going pretty great, honestly. but October rolled around. the first half wasn’t so bad, we had a girls’ trip for a weekend sort of as a last hoorah before my best friend got hitched and that was a lot of fun and I’m super thankful I was able to go, especially since I originally thought I wasn’t going to be able to make it due to family circumstances.

and wedding prep continued on, until I was driving over to my aunt’s house for the last day of prep and things started to hit me. my aunt and I got really close this past year and this was the last time I was spending with her for a long time, like sure we see each other once in a while but I was going over there and going shopping with her and doing all sorts of stuff multiple times a week and I think I just got scared of the idea that I was facing a new normal all over again when my normal had already changed so drastically at the beginning of last year. and also the fact that my best friend was getting married and moving an hour away when she used to be 10 minutes away and I saw her all the time. like we had the rehearsal dinner the Sunday before the wedding and my oldest cousin made this speech (because she knew she’d be sobbing too much to actually make it at the wedding) and she talked about us three girls as kids growing up and all this stuff about my best friend and how perfect her fiance was for her and it was just all really sobering I guess?

and I spent a lot of nights that week writing and rewriting a letter to the couple and I definitely spent most of that time sobbing over everything and sometime that week my mood just plummeted. my dad got /really/ concerned because the change in me was /so/ drastic but there wasn’t much we could do with only a few days until the wedding so we just hoped for the best and waited till my appointment with my psychiatrist to figure out the next step. I ended up getting a migraine at the wedding (I know it was from stress and from being so upset) so I couldn’t have a good time like I wanted to and I knew I’d regret it and I definitely regret it but I can’t change anything now. I got to hug the bride and groom goodbye just as they were leaving and I’ve never struggled so hard trying not to cry, which I mean, my best friend was sooo close to becoming a sobbing mess hugging me too, and the groom, well he was a blubbering mess (he’s a very emotional dude, all three of us have sobbed watching movies together, we’re a sight lmao) so I didn’t feel too strange haha. but it was a really weird feeling and it was really hard to sleep at the hotel that night. we drove home in the rain the next morning and did absolutely nothing the entire day.

then the news hit about Woojin and I spent my Monday night quite literally sobbing myself to sleep. at that time, I was still pretty new to skz but it still hurt like hell and I know my depression warped the emotions out of proportion but it was still so incredibly painful. but nothing could prepare me for the news about Wonho. nothing. I was already so deep into my depression and that just, I still don’t even have words. something hasn’t hit me that hard in I don’t even know how long. I couldn’t even cry, it took me over 2 months to cry about it because it just hurt too much. I still can’t listen to any of their music, I can’t even see photos of them without bursting into tears, and I’m ashamed at myself for being so attached to something that I react this badly, but even more so, I’m upset with myself that I can’t support them when they need it most because it causes me so much physical and emotional pain I just can’t deal with it. I’m not giving up on them, god no, I know it probably sounds like I am, but I swear I’m not. I love them way too much for that. it’s not even possible to describe how much mx and Wonho mean to me, I’m not giving up on them, I’m just handling things in my own way at my own pace, I guess.

from then on, things just spiraled out of control. on and off more meds, more and more problems arose, I really felt like I could not keep my head above water. and on top of it, I had the 7th anniversary of my grandma’s death in early November and the 10th anniversary of my grandfather’s death in early December and to say the least, that did not have the best effect on my mental health. it’s been 3 months of pretty much hell. I genuinely have /no/ interest in things I used to do, none of my hobbies, everything, and I mean everything, is a chore. it’s still like this. but I’m trying to do more to fix it. I’m seeing my doctor next week and I just spent 6 weeks getting another med out of my system so hopefully when I see him, he’ll try something new and we’ll actually make progress instead of taking 2 steps forward and 8 steps back. I haven’t lost hope yet.

there’s been many, many times in these past few months where I’ve felt like I’ve already hit rock bottom and I’m just waiting for the final blow to finish me off. but, if I’m being completely honest, what’s kept me going has been my really close friends on here that have stuck with me this whole time and my love for kpop which thankfully, god thank you, hasn’t diminished whatsoever despite everything. I can confidently say, I wouldn’t still be here without my friends, you know who you are my loves. y’all keep my world turning and no matter how painful it can get sometimes, I wouldn’t have made it this far, I wouldn’t want to keep going, I wouldn’t owe my life to you guys, so thank you, more than words can express. I love you all to the moon and back. and then some.

so this has just been paragraphs upon paragraphs of me rambling so I really don’t know why you would’ve stayed and read the whole damn thing, but if you did, thank you, I feel a lot better getting things off my chest. and this isn’t to say I’m back completely, I can’t guarantee how active I’ll actually be, but I’ll do my best to spend some more time on here because I genuinely do miss this place and all the amazing people in it. I’m so sorry I’ve been gone so long, especially without any real explanation. I’m going to do my best to rediscover my love for things, I may have lost it for a time, but it’s not gone completely.

until next time, this has been “aly won’t shut up”. thank you and goodnight, I love y’all

#sorry i've been inactive #things have been rough #i'm doing my best #one day at a time #i still talk too much tho haha #aly won't shut up #but yeah #if you've been wondering where i've been here's the big long explanation #i'll see y'all soon tho #i love and miss y'all lots

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idiotbrainjuice · 6 years

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(Tony has a scar he doesn’t like to think about, until he has to remember it)

Warnings: Depression

It's in the training room when Natasha and Bruce first sees the scar. Bruce is passing by the door and happens to glance in to see Tony and Natasha who are facing off and for the first time Tony actually holds his own longer than normal. He ends up on his back breathing hard but it's still good progress. Natasha can't help the small smile from seeing Tony progress. She moves to help him up but pauses hand outstretched. There’s a horrifying jagged scar at the base of Tony’s abdomen that catches her eye. She only gets a fleeting glance because Tony immediately pulls his shirt down a pasted grin on his face..

“I nearly had you this time what did I do wrong?”

Natasha helps him up a fond smile on her face.

“You want the long list or the short one?” Natasha’s explanation is shorter than it had been when she’d first started teaching Tony. And she doesn’t miss the subtle way Tony glances around the room to see who saw. When he makes eye contact with Bruce walking through the door his body stiffens and he turns away. “Hey all, don’t forget its doppelganger night, Lucy’s up.” Natasha groans as they both hop out of the ring.

********

There has never been a missed movie night the whole event being a time to recharge and relax amongst friends. They’re all sprawled over each no one person without someone’s limbs tangled with them.

During a lull in the film, Tony can't help but to ask “Why don’t they check facts before making this shit?” Bruce actually sits up from where he’d sunk into the sofa. “I mean how hard is it to just call a scientist and ask hey does this even make sense?”

Tony laughs bringing up more scientifically inaccurate movies and it's all downhill from there.

The rest of the Avengers groan “They're impossible, I thought we agreed no more science movies they do this every time.”

It’s actually really a joy to watch how both the scientists eyes and bodies animate. Tony nearly flies of the couch with one of his gestures but Clint catches him but in true Clint fashion, his fingers find Tony’s ticklish sides and the room is filled with Tony’s unwilling laughter Thor chuckles as the engineer tries to get away.

Clint’s hands find their ways under his shirt and the response is immediate. It's like Tony shuts down and flight it fight kicks in in this case it's both. Clint isn’t expecting the hand that flies at his throat nor the kick which sends him to the floor. “Tony what the hell?” the man in question is breathing hard his eyes distant before stammering an apology and leaping back off the couch. He makes a beeline to the elevator his hand doesn't release the tight grasp he has on his shirt.

At this point the movie is just white noise “Clint, you ok?” He waves him off “It takes more than that to take me down” There's a slight tension in the air till Bruce stands. “I'll go check on him.” Bruce doesn’t come back and the movie finishes but nobody is really paying attention.

A week later a well known fact is that Tony s heats aren't something he likes to talk about. He nests like any other Omega and they all notice when parts of their wardrobe goes missing and the appetite he normally doesn't have goes into overdrive. But unlike other Omegas he won't allow himself the “luxury”.

Morning rolls around and they find their stolen clothes in neat folded piles. Breakfast is a quiet affair but this situation isn’t new. What is new, is Tony coming out of wherever he holed up mostly coherent. But reeking to the high heavens how fertile he was. “Steeeeve, you smell nice.” Steve’s heart stutters when the Omega drapes himself over his back, his nose coming to scent his neck. He’s trying hard not to lose focus and ignore the snickering of their teammates.

But Tony’s assessment doesn’t stop at Steve, Thor and Natasha get a brief brush and Bruce is his last victim and he gets a more thorough pat down. Bruce doesn't mind though as he’s able to subtly check him over "Tony, what are you doing out of bed?"

"Cold." Is the simple answer he gives and with no warning he's tugging Off Bruce's shirt. He takes the scarf from Clint, a headband from Nat and Steve's running jacket. It's a sight to see when he takes his bundle of clothes to a couch in the living room. Coming back only to grab Thor’s something or other that none of them know the name to. Breakfast continues on only now with sneaked glances at Tony who’s moving head is the only thing visible from the kitchen.

Bruce follows him crouching to whisper in his ear “Buddy, you know your heat is gonna start soon do you want to be down here?” Tony rolls over one eye peering up at the other scientist. “I had a nightmare.”

Bruce can’t tell where his headspace is because he’s coming forth with more information than he would normally.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Was apparently the wrong question to ask because the color drains from Tony’s face. With more strength than any of them think possible he pulls Bruce down next to him and buries his face in the crook of his neck. “Oh ok, we can do this too.” This is actually a plus for both the scientists who really need their sleep.

Hours later his heat is finally in full swing. His shirt is already off, at some point in his sleep he’s stripped it off trying to find comfort in the warm cocoon that is his nest. At least he has Bruce’s cool skin to lay against but he’s not lying next to Bruce, the body next to him is an Adonis, it has to be to be this muscular. Who ever it is, they’re cool and they’re here. A hand strokes his hair and he purrs Tony’s fine with it on his head but as the hand moves lower coasting toward the back of his neck he pulls away warning bells going off in his mind. But the hand follows drawing forth a whimper from his throat.

“Nononononono.” the hand darts away as Tony in his haze finally rolls off the chest making brief eye contact with Steve who is wide eyed with worry. “Tony I-”

“Not my neck.” His voice is hoarse and he can’t stop backing up till his back is against something. His hands are shaking not just that his whole body is shaking with need, with fear. Its an unsettling combination that he’s sadly very familiar with. His hand comes up to cover his chest, or more accurately the Arc Reactor digging deep enough to draw blood.

“Tony, sweetie look at me.” His eyes land on Bruce but he’s not fully tracking. “Hey breathe with me.” He inhales and exhales watching Tony begin to latch on to the pattern. “You’re ok look at me? You’re ok.” He shudders and grasps Bruce’s arms grounding himself.

Steve hovers in the back unsure of how to help. Bruce turns to look at him “Can you hold him up?”

He hesitates “Would he want me too? I scared the shit out of him.”

“I think he’ll be ok now just be careful.” The trip to Tony’s penthouse is a short one. And as much as Steve tries not to look the scar screams at him. Telling a gruesome story of a sharp blade and less than humane operations.

Steve moves them near the bed and Tony falls back heavily on the mattress and breathes, “Sorry, Thank you.”

“You don’t need to apologize, are you all stocked up, You’ll be ok?” Steve asks.

Tony points at the water bottles and granola bars next the bed before reaching towards Bruce. “I need this one though.”

Steve blushes before making his way out of the bedroom.

A Week out of commission always tends to put him behind with any work he has for R&D and Shield and he compensates by spending as much time as he can in his lab catching up.

Tony comes out of the elevator clearly not ready for anybody’s bullshit. 48 hours of a science binge would do that to you. He goes straight for the coffee machine only to be intercepted by Bruce. “Babe, I’m really not in the mood.” he croaks.

Bruce levels him with a look and takes the cup from his hand. “It’s 9am and you need to sleep.”

The engineer grumbles but lets himself be manhandled to his room grumbling all the while. Bruce leaves with the promise of food and Tony begins to strip changing into pyjamas. His shirt is over his head when he hears a thump and a whistle.

“Gnarly scar dude you fight a bear?” The shirt is pulled down immediately and a glare is painted onto Tony’s face.

“Barton, I am running on 2 hours of sleep I don’t have the energy for this.” Clint goes to his closet and pulls out a sleep shirt. “I know you, you’re never tired enough to talk. Tell me about your scar.”

Tony pulls away “I’d rather not.”

“Don’t you wanna stay awake till your Brucie Bear gets back here with food?”

Clint hands him the shirt and splays a hand over where he approximates the scar to be. Clawed hand grabs his wrist. “Don’t touch me don’t touch it.” Clint pulls his hand away hissing.

“Jesus man calm down.” The door opens as Clint moves to leave “Oh Clint, where did you come from.” “The vents, Tony’s being a bully.”

“Am not, just, please don’t touch it.” Bruce pointedly jerks his head at the door and Clint raises his hands in surrender

“Don’t think this is over.”

The week for him goes downhill from there. He’s in the Kitchen when Jarvis reminds him. “Sir, it's the anniversary should you wish to-” Tony waves him away.”. Today will be one of those days he knows. He can’t pull himself out of the funk the heaviness on his heart weighing him down. He slips in and out of rooms his final stop the living room. He doesn’t expect the flurry of noise as the elevator dings open. . He hears a baby cry and he shoots up the noise jarring him from desolation. Clint rushes in with his baby cradled in his arms.

“Tony! Look at him, look at baby Nate.” Clint is so focused on his son he doesn’t realize the tears streaming down Tony’s face. “All the Kids are here but I thought I’d bring him to his soon to be favorite uncle.” When there's no response from Tony at all, Clint looks up shocked to see the tears cascading down the engineer’s face.

“Tony, are you-”

“Can I hold him, please?” his hands shake in desperation eyes only for the baby. “Yeah, of course.” the moment turns somber when Tony cradles the baby like he’s the most fragile thing in the world.

“Hey there little guy.” Nathaniel gurgles, a gummy smile on his face. He laughs tears dripping onto the blanket. “You already know I’m gonna be the best Uncle here right? Thats right , I’m never gonna let anything happen to you. I promise,” he looks up at Clint and Laura now, eyes red rimmed and teary “ I promise.”

******

Hours later when the party is over and all the Kids are tucked into beds Clint with a blanket bundled in his arms, finds Tony on the roof an untouched glass of alcohol by his side.

“She would have been two today.” is all Tony says as Clint sits next to him. His breath catches and he watches from the corner of his eye as Tony rub at his scar absentmindedly. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t-” “No, don’t today is and always will be a celebration of life, no matter how fleeting.” Clint hugs him close and drapes the blanket over them both looking out at the evening’s horizon.

#wriiteitdown wrote it down #i'm too tired for tags #avengers fic #hurt tony stark #sad tony stark #clint barton #and kids #kinda omegaverse but light brushes #DippedQuill

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rina-rambles · 5 years

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Hold On To That Feeling

Daydreaming and feeling overwhelming surges of inspiration is normal for me when I’m separated from the means to write (in other words, my laptop) for any extended period of time. I admit that very few times in my life have been so hugely joyous that a certain urgency to capture it in words lasts past the event. Some people have the gift of being motivational rather than nagging and I fully believe that it is the seven-hour car ride next to Sam and my number one baby that I owe this determination to not procrastinate anymore to.

The happiest and saddest experiences are either the easiest or hardest to put into words. In my grief for Max in 2015, I tried desperately to put into words the sudden sense of mortality I felt, being able to remember him as a little pup as if it were yesterday. But unlike my externally forced graduation speech back in 2010, which told as neutrally as possible of my hellish high school years, I couldn’t find the words for my sweet boy. The ever-expanding graveyard is since that summer where I find my ultimate peace and maybe that’s all I can ever say about it.

Maybe because I’ve admired and looked up to One Tree Hill actress and my idol Shantel Vansanten for so many years now, but I finally understand why she says “I look for inspiration in everything around me.” There was a time when I used to wait for that surge of urgency to write, but now many writing courses and pep talks later I’ve realized that it takes as much determination and focus as it does genuine inspiration to be productive. Every time I have heart-to-heart talks with Sam, I come away feeling more talented and capable for it so I owe it to her and myself to capture all the moments that it brings me joy to think about.

After the family vacation through Bruges in Belgium, the French war memorials and last but far from least Watford’s Warner Bros Studios three years ago, I always regretted not pushing through the procrastination to write about how much lasting joy I gained from October 10 2014. Naturally, it was my psychologist who helped me make use of that day of bliss at every turn, by using the happiness of the memory to put me back in a good headspace during stressful and less joyous times. Because I’ve figured out the key to making memories long-lasting for me personally, it is and always has been music. The more Indian weddings I attend the more certain I am that any Indian function my possible future wedding may have will be a sangeet only. I have a carefully chosen anti-anxiety playlist of positive musical associations and have to give even my least favourite One Tree Hill character, Peyton Sawyer, credit for one truth:

But I digress, being a huge fan of John Green’s The Fault In Our Stars after the film adaptation released in summer 2014, come the sightseeing in Belgium that October it was the soundtrack’s peppy track Boom Clap I tuned into as we walked the quaint streets of Bruge. The film’s love story took place in Amsterdam before terminal cancer turned it tragic and hearing that song on a tourist boat ride in Belgium felt close enough to the movie magic to be a joy to recall.

Seeing the war memorials on the next part of the trip it was my Dad’s excitement and the sheer scale of historical melancholy that made it unforgettable, being there to witness the 100th anniversary of WW1 was obviously an immense and sobering experience. But all that took place before one of the happiest days of my life, the one I’m sure I would think back on if J.K Rowling’s Patronus Charm existed in real life. In a way, I understand how she made the joy-sucking Dementors a metaphor for her own depression because that single day has had the strength to carry me through hard times ever since.

Harry Potter was what turned me into what I define myself as today: a fangirl. The fascinating Marauder era still holds a very special place in a heart no longer seventeen but probably happier than nearly a decade ago. It makes me feel old to think that the first Potter film adaptation came out sixteen years ago, 2001 was incidentally the same year to give the world Karan Johar’s Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Gham, which initiated my ten-year obsession with SRK.

Coming back to the Watford experience, I can safely say it was life-changing: Between Tom Felton’s humorous tour guide recorded narration, the animatronic Buckbeak that actually bowed and blinked and my first taste of Butterbeer, I was floored long before the most exhilarating and then emotional parts of the day. The simulated broom ride which thanks to the souvenir videos and photograph reminds me more than anything else how happy that day was, is still something I just have to watch to feel intense surrealism to this day. But my favourite photograph that day is of me posing behind the Privet Drive sign. It’s hilarious to think that on the set the awful Dursley’s home exterior is right next to the ruin of Lily and James Potter’s house.

Already soaring on a wave of bliss that had begun with the HP film scores blasting all the way to the parking lot, standing in front of that scorched wall is where I got really emotional because somehow the couple who are dead before the series even begins have always meant the most to me. Yes walking through Diagon Alley’s set with the incredible detail on all sides I genuinely felt like Harry in wishing I had about a hundred eyes at once. But somehow it was still that ruined Potter cottage that I remember responding to now; the fictional sacrifice for their baby’s life as stirring and inspiring as anything else that trip.

When I was sixteen I once had a crush on a boy just because he resembled the fifteen-year-old James Potter from the Order Of The Phoenix film adaptation, incidentally my last non-celebrity / fictional crush to date.

Needless to say, that went nowhere and Harry Potter has stayed an important happy place for me longer than anyone in school ever did. There might still be times when the high school years negatively affect how I feel about myself but those days are few and far between.

Luckily for me, it’s a fact that time heals all wounds and someday only those powerful happy memories will remain. As Albus Dumbledore wisely said after all...

Even as a writer, with a craft as creative and yet honed by habit as many others, the end result of a piece like this isn’t always in sight from the beginning. There’s always the fine line of discussing a work in progress with my cheerleading family and figuring out on my own what feels right. I’ve had all sorts of advice; to combine experiences or don’t, or to be honest and heartfelt but draw the line somewhere. But at the end of the day, I know that the only way to get the words out is to find my own flow and go with it. All the song lyrics and Disney mottos about following your heart have got to come from a place of some kind of experience I suppose, so that’s what I decide to do with every word.

The theme of this article is holding on to joy and describing some hugely happy moments in my recent past would not be complete without the last week’s trip to Kottayam in Kerala. Some say this past week, with a royal Indian wedding and such a fabulous vacation with old friends deserves its own article and maybe someday it will get it. After all it took three years to pay tribute to the Potter joy as this article does.

But stand-alone tribute or not, the vacation after the Scindia wedding deserves a very heartfelt mention for inspiring me to write again in the first place with the love from old friends and simply breath-taking experiences. In a way, it does tie into the whole filmy Potter experience because Chacko Uncle shared his jaw-dropping world so modestly with us. How often does the average person get to sneak onto an active TV set and witness a girl prance onto the stage to an iconic SRK song?

For almost a decade my love of Bollywood became a way to connect with my roots from abroad and now it is always being in India that finds some way or other to remind me how much I will always admire King Khan. Granted there’s a huge nostalgia factor now but that song choice and moment in a little corner of that studio, trying to sneak a peek without tripping over the wires or squealing out loud was something I won’t forget in a hurry.

Over the next two days, the thrills just kept on coming, whether it was the epic serenades of our very own crooner Charles (the man stole my heart with Kuch Kuch Hota Hai and kept it awed with a freaking Swiss German number) or getting to feel like a film star speeding along the backwaters, it was definitely like the Warner Studios tour in that I wanted to drink in all the sights and hold on to how I felt in the moment.

I’m not normally particularly keen on selfies, but with the enforced dressing up for the wedding before the Kottayam vacation, maybe the habit of sharing spilled over to that part of the holiday. Cruising along the backwaters I felt able to define wind-swept hair quite literally and even the slight motion sickness became easy to ignore with the sun kissing my exposed skin and finally getting to put my prescription sunglasses to good use. The picturesque backdrops helped me to feel beautiful and for that, I am more thankful than anything. Here’s hoping ten years don’t go by until the next reunion, visits to the south are as much a fascinating window into Mom and Dad’s past as anything else.

As my former obsession show used to say “by its very definition, glee is about opening yourself up to joy” and with experiences like these under my belt I might yet learn to do just that more often.

Despite the way it crashed and burned, Glee did teach me to never stop believing and I like to think I’m one step closer to that faith with the power of all these good experiences to guide me. One Tree Hill creator Mark Schwahn made the idea of “someday” a trademark of many couples he wrote and I think my someday of just feeling good might be a lot closer these days. To end on one final OTH quote because it has words for everything

I’ve come to realize that I don’t have to dismiss the bad things in my past in order to find happiness, but I feel like my perspective on the years of teenage suffering has changed and that, for now, is good enough.

#personal #oth #one tree hill #glee #kerala #backwaters #harry potter #watford #warner studio tour #lillian adler #srk #ddlj #peyton sawyer #quote #julian baker #mark schwahn #journey

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fitocracy · 7 years

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Increasing metabolism?

Coach Chuck posting with us today to drop some knowledge on the topic of metabolism.

The question “how to increase one’s metabolism” came up in the context of a discussion with someone who felt that their calorie goal was far too low to consistently lose weight. That’s something that that many people (me included) often face. It’s more of an issue for women and shorter men, and unfortunately, shorter women have the worst of it. And it sucks. If you work a desk job and don’t get in much activity during the day, you may need to hit a calorie goal as low as bodyweight x 8. Having faced this myself, I know how badly that sucks. It’s terrible and it feels like suffering, and because of that, it’s not sustainable. Heck, I’ve seen cases where someone needs to go even lower, toward 6-7 x bodyweight. Please never do that on your own without guidance from a professional. So….what do we do about that?

Measuring your metabolism

If you were curious about your metabolism and wanted to get an idea of your calorie needs per day, there are lots of ways to do this. You can use a calculator that’s based on statistics and formulas (for example, https://tdeecalculator.net/ ), but like most statistic derived formulas, they are only estimations and of specious accuracy. If you wanted to get a more accurate measure there are some medical tests that you can have done. These aren’t without cost unless your healthcare covers them. Things like DEXA, a Bod Pod or an RMR breath test. I had both a Bod Pod and RMR test in August 2016. Below are my results. What this showed me was that if I just sat at my desk job all day, and didn’t move around often, that even with ~3 days of lifting weights per week, my maintenance calories were around 2100. As you may know, I don’t swear on the blog often, but holy shit that’s low for someone that’s 6ft 2in and usually around 220lbs. So if I want to lose weight, that means I have to choose between increasing my metabolism or eating at a super low-calorie amount.

Increasing Your Metabolism

Things you can’t control

When it comes to your metabolism, there are some factors that are simply beyond your control and the only thing that you can change in regard to them is your perception.

These uncontrollable factors are your genetics, your biological sex, your age, and your height. All of these matter for your metabolism.

Metabolism differences can be simplified as spendthrift vs thrifty. When we see someone that can eat whatever they like, are at what appears to us as a healthy body composition, and not gain weight, this seems unfair to us. But it’s possible that this person is genetically different in that when they take in extra calories, their body burns them off and/or changes their appetite in response. So if they go and grab a burger and fries for lunch, they are going to be fidgeting, bouncing around, and feeling warmer. They are burning those calories off rapidly. And they may only have a smaller meal later in the day…and thus maintaining calorie balance.

For me (and I’m guessing you, if you are reading this), if I went to 5 Guys (or whatever local burger place you have) for a burger and fries, I’d feel sluggish all afternoon, not want to move, and then still eat my normal sized dinner….and then be out of calorie balance.

Yeah, that’s not fair, is it? But comparison is the thief of joy. It wasn’t until I accepted this fact…that it IS unfair, that I was able to refocus my energy on the things that I *COULD* change.

Things you can control

OK, so you’ve accepted that there are things that you can’t control and that your time and energy are better spent on the things that you can control. Good for you!

Those things that contribute to your metabolism, that are within your control, are things like the amount of muscle that you have, the amount of body fat that you have, your diet and food choices, your stress and how you deal with it, your exercise activity levels, and lastly, your non-exercise activity levels.

Muscle/Fat Amounts

As far as amounts of muscle and body fat, both muscle and fat tissues require energy. You’ll see crazy claims from quacks on talk shows stating that muscle burns 50 times more calories than fat! Or crap like fat doesn’t burn calories! Wrong wrong wrong.

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Muscle’s metabolic rate per day is about 6 calories per pound per day, fat is about 2 calories per pound per day. Brain tissue burns 109 calories per pound per day. So work on reducing your body fat, increasing your muscle mass, and getting a bigger brain.

( Reference: http://www.bodyrecomposition.com/research-review/dissecting-the-energy-needs-of-the-body-research-review.html/ )

Diet and Food Choices

One aspect that is most likely overlooked when weight loss is simplified to “eat less, move more” is the importance of your diet’s structure and your food choices.

Food choices matter because foods are processed differently by the body, specifically what the “cost” of digestion is. For example, with calories being equal in both cases, if you eat a higher protein diet, your calories burned side of the equation would be higher compared to eating the standard American diet.

Prioritizing whole foods with lots of lean protein sources, vegetables and fruits will help this aspect tremendously.

Secondly, when your calories get *too* low, your body may lower your non-exercise activity (more on that below).

It may be necessary to take scheduled diet breaks, and there are a few ways to do this. You could spend X number of weeks in a calorie deficit, and then take a 1-2 week break at “maintenance calories” to allow your hormones to normalize (as being in a calorie deficit for too long can throw things out of whack). I put X in there, as it really depends on the amount of fat you carry. The higher your body fat%, the longer you can go without a break.

You can also have higher calorie days around your strenuous workouts, and lower calorie days around your rest days. I’ve tried this before but it’s honestly a hassle to me, and I prefer to make things as easy as possible.

Stress Management

We often have this notion of what stress means, but it’s basically everything, both internal and external forces that act on us. Eating at a calorie deficit is a stress. Exercise is a stress (stress can be positive too). Watching the news is a stress. Too much caffeine is a stress, too much sugar is a stress. Even things we might not think of, like noise pollution, artificial light.

So what can we do to manage our stress?

Check out the free trial of the app Headspace. It’s an easy way to get into meditation as a stress relief tool.

Try to reduce some of the stressors when you can, so getting out of artificial light, cutting back on caffeine and sugar where possible.

Spend some time outside, in nature. Or at least get some sunshine.

Try some breathing techniques. Here’s a simple one. Push your tongue to the roof of your mouth really hard and hold it there. Close your eyes. Focus on that, and take big deep breaths. Do that for 10 seconds.

If possible, break your work down into 25-minute chunks, followed by a short break. Use a timer or timer app. This is called the Pomodoro Technique.

Bookend your day with rituals. By starting and ending your day the same way, every single day, no exceptions, you bring a sense of order to your life.

Lastly, and most importantly (in my opinion): physical contact with another person or a pet. Hugs, not drugs, mmkay?

Exercise and Nonexercise Activity

Before I get into the details here, I want to caution you to not view exercise as a way to burn calories. Instead, I’d ask that you try to view exercise with the lens of how it positively adds to your life: it makes you feel better, helps you relieve stress, makes you stronger, makes you look better nekkid, etc.

So with that said, exercise here means anything that you schedule like weight lifting, running, sports, etc. Anything that estimates your calories burned likely way overestimates calories burned, so much so that I don’t recommend you adjust your weight loss calorie goals based on exercise.

For weight loss, 2 weights/resistance workouts and taking a brisk walk of 20-30 mins after a meal is a great place to get started. But don’t view it as burning calories, look for what it positively adds to your life.

The other side of the coin is NEAT or nonexercise active thermogenesis. This is a fancy-pants way of saying moving your body around that isn’t the aforementioned scheduled exercise. That’s it. That means walking around from place to place, tapping your feet, fidgeting, etc.

I like using a FitBit for this, not because 10,000 steps is some laudable goal, but because when I don’t actively make myself get up and move around, it shows me that I barely move 2000 steps due to being at a computer for my livelihood so many hours per day.

To increase your NEAT, some things you can try are:

If possible, switch to a desk that does standing and sitting, not just standing OR sitting.

Take an active break every 30 minutes, meaning just walk around, get something to drink, use the bathroom, etc.

Take a walk after meals. If you can’t do that after every meal, make it a point to take a 15-minute walk after at least *one* meal.

Any time you make a phone call, walk around, don’t stay seated. Worst case scenario, at least stand up. Take the stairs instead of the elevator.

Park farther away in the parking lot.

One last thing to mention in regard to NEAT, watch out for cases where you have a particularly grueling schedule exercise session, and that you feel so beat up afterward that you just want to lay around. This can negatively impact your ability and desire to be as active as you would normally be.

Chuck’s Example and Bite-Sized Tips

OK so to wrap this up, I’d like to provide my own example of how I am dealing with my low resting metabolic rate. Like I mentioned earlier, if I don’t pay attention to how much I’m moving around, I will barely crack 2k steps. That’s horrible. So using the suggestions I gave above, I aim for 8-10k steps. I do some form of scheduled exercise 7 days a week, but a few of those days are active rest like dynamic stretching and yoga so it barely accounts for 15 minutes of my time.

Because my FitBit reminds, I get up and move at least 250 steps every hour or more. I take phone calls standing/pacing, I never sit unless it’s required.

Those were all changes that were not easy but were much easier than the difficulty in lower calories below what I was comfortable doing. If I were to go back to being an active couch potato (meaning I had 3 hours of weightlifting a week…and nothing else), then losing weight for me would mean a really low-calorie goal. No thank you.

As a result of these changes, I’d estimate my maintenance calories much closer to ~2800, which is lots more manageable.

For your own changes, look for the things that would be the easiest to change first, and let those small changes add up over time!

( If you’d like to train with Chuck or if you have more questions, his latest coaching group, Extreme Fat Loss , is starting up soon.)

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misscsolo · 4 years

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Always One More Chance

As we wrap up suicide prevention week, there are many stories out there to be told. Today is Saturday September 12th, 2020 and this is my story.

As the baby of my four, I am perceived as being a brat. There might be some truth to that. The only thing that I have ever wanted is to feel loved. I know that my parents love me, I know that my family loves me, I know that I have been told that I am loved but the question is do I believe it. From an incredibly young age that is all I ever wanted. Hopefully, you will never know what it is like to feel unloved, because that is the way that I currently feel and have felt most of my life.

When I was a young child my sister went to live with my grandparents leaving me alone with my mom. My mom loves me, but I never felt like she loved me enough. I always felt like I was competing with her current boyfriend for her attention and by the time I became a teenager I started acting out. From the age of 15 I tried extremely hard to get pregnant so that I can have someone in my life that loved me and that I could love. That pregnancy did not come for another four years but in the process, I was always searching for love. At 13 I have started having sex just so I could get the feeling of closeness and since then I believe that I still use sex as a form of closeness.

Over the years into my adulthood I have had lengthy relationships. I believe my first marriage to my daughter's father was my shortest relationship since turning 18 years old. We were actually together about two years and during that time is when I became pregnant, we got married and we moved in together. That was not my best relationship, but I got my daughter as a result of it and that was fine by me. We were both young when I had her, he had just turned 20 and I was still 19 for a couple more months and we were now a young married couple with the baby. It was very overwhelming, and our marriage did not last.

My next relationship was with the guy who bounce back and forth between me and his ex. This went on for about five years. Both myself and his ex knew about each other and we allowed it to happen. Just one more example of wanting, needing or chasing love.

My next couple of relationships were all the same. I love him and I thought that he loved me, but it appeared that he loved what I could do for him or our situation better than he loved me. Meaning he loved the fact that he had a girlfriend with her place to stay, her own transportation and a good job. So that only required him to be there emotionally or physically and most of the time I got the physical and not the emotional and sometimes I had to share the physical. Do not get me wrong, it is not that I do not love myself because I do but it is easier when you are not alone. Or so I thought.

So, my second marriage I met my ex-husband at a bar I bartended at. We did not start out to be a couple, we were just being friends to each other. You get 2 lonely people together that are looking for or lacking love and that is what you get. We were together a total of 11 years, together off and on for six years and married for five. He moved to Kentucky first to get a job and to get established and I came eight months after and we got our place together. Still looking for love, searching to be in love we were together, but we were apart. Within six months of me moving to Kentucky he was already cheating. But because we move here to be together, I tried my hardest to make it work. He tried to hide it the deep down in my heart I knew he never stopped. Fast forward to 2011 when I divorce my second husband. I would rather him be happy without me then to be miserable with me. This is always my thought process; I am a people pleaser. I get joy from my relationships if my partner is happy. In my relationships it is never about me or it is never about us. It is always about him and how he feels. If he is unhappy, I am trying to do everything that I can to make it so that he is in a better place. If he is good, then I am good. That is that whole love to be loved to want to be loved.

My last relationship has made me not want to go into another relationship. It was two years since my divorce I was living alone but not happy. I love being in love. I love the idea of being in love. I love when someone loves me. But at some point, I equated sex with love and that is a misconception. You do not have to be in love to have sex. So, after being in this last relationship for six years where he is probably started cheating within the first year, I am just spent. I do not think that I stayed in it because I loved him or was even in love with him, I stayed because I pitied him. There is no reason to be in or stay in a relationship but me being the enabler that I am I made it convenient for him and not for me.

Now after all my relationships probably a solid 30 years’ worth of relationships I am done. I love love but I do not want somebody to be with me for what I can do for them. I have often tried to figure out what is wrong with me? I am not ugly woman, I am a little bit on the larger side but who does not like fluffy woman? I have a good job, I have my home place, I have my own transportation and I do not have any children at home. I keep a clean house, I am a damn good cook, I am affectionate, fun, lay back, drama free and loyal. I have never had to have anyone that I was dating or married to call looking to see where I am at. When I am in a relationship my relationship, he is in the forefront. I believe part of the problem was that my boyfriend received husband treatment when they should have received temporary circumstances. Why not me? It makes me sad Because I cannot figure out what am I doing wrong. When you go through things like that all your life, looking for love and never finding it, it puts you in a bad headspace.

I know I started out this story by mentioning suicide prevention week, it is sometimes stories like this that leads people to believe that suicide is the answer. I am not currently suicidal, nor do I have suicidal tendencies, but I have wondered before what it would be like if I was not here anymore. I wondered would anybody even care if I was not here anymore? What would the world be like without me?

I love myself; I love my life and I have no plans on doing anything to harm myself. But I do understand where these thoughts come from.

If you feel like suicide is your only way out, you are wrong. Make sure that your circle is strong enough to help you out when you say, “I need help.” make sure you talk to whoever you need to talk to whether it is family , friends , clergy , a therapist or whoever you need to talk to in order to get the help that you need. If you feel like there is no one that you can talk to, call the suicide awareness hotline at 1-800-273-8255.

I tell you my story today because my story could just as easy end up needing to make that phone call. It is hard sometimes and sometimes you feel like giving up, but you must find your reason to keep going on. Find your purpose in life, do not rely on anybody else to make you happy but yourself!

You can do this! You are strong, and you will succeed!

#suicideprevention Livelife Gethelp

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howellrichard · 4 years

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How to Be More Productive in Work and Life (5 Stress-Free Tips!)

Hiya Gorgeous!

Please be unproductive. Ha! Has anyone ever said that to you? I certainly haven’t received that luxurious request. Quite the opposite in fact. Google “how to be more productive” and you’ll get over 200 million results!

We all want to increase productivity because we think it will help us be successful, make an impact and have more freedom. If we could just be more productive, we’d finally be able to finish that project, get that promotion and do everything we’ve always wanted to do but never had time for. Right?

This probably hits especially close to home if you’re an entrepreneur like me. We’re always looking for new ways to optimize how we use our time—it’s not easy to grow a business while maintaining some semblance of a life outside of work! As a result, we often push ourselves way past our limits, sacrificing our well-being in the process.

Look, I’m all for being driven as long as it doesn’t drive us into the ground. But between the pressures coming from our work hard, play hard society AND the high expectations we have for ourselves, we simply create more than we can process. So we’re left wishing we had another hour, day, week, month, year… life.

Hmmm, there’s obviously something wrong with this picture.

Remember—we’re humans, NOT conveyor belts! Whaddya say we take a step back and look at productivity from a different angle? It’s meant to simplify our lives after all, not make them more exhausting and stressful.

The 5 practices I’m sharing today have helped me accomplish everything from simple daily tasks to building a thriving 7-figure business, all while maintaining a good work/life balance. They’ll help you use productivity to make space for pursuing your deepest desires and doing what makes you happy. Because what’s more important than that?

Here’s what you can expect to learn:

How to be more productive at work AND at home—you can apply these tips in all areas of your life!

Simple ways to maximize time and headspace for better focus, faster results and more joy.

Why it’s even more essential than you might think to get clear on your priorities (and how to do it).

What time off and self-care have to do with productivity.

How to build in time for the unexpected challenges so they don’t throw you off course.

How paying people to take care of themselves supercharges your own productivity.

Ready to discover these surprisingly simple, joyful productivity tips? Let’s dig in!

How to Be More Productive: 5 Stress-Free Tips

1. Design your ideal week.

If you want to learn how to be more productive, you’ve gotta start by examining how you manage and use your time. Because even if you have all the time in the world, it’s still possible to be unproductive.

When I say design your ideal week, I’m talking about more than just blocking off space in your calendar (although that IS part of it!). It means looking at the week ahead holistically—including your responsibilities and commitments, AND the stuff you do to support your mental and physical health—then laying out a schedule that optimizes the time you have.

Ask yourself these questions when designing your ideal week:

What times do I want to go to bed and wake up? (A consistent schedule can help improve your sleep, too… win-win!)

What days do I want to work, and what should my stop and start times be? (This one is especially key for all of you entrepreneurs and self-employed folks out there!)

What existing commitments do I have that I can’t change? Are there any I can adjust to make room for new priorities?

What does a productive day usually look like for me? When do I usually feel most alert and focused? When do I tend to get tired or have more trouble focusing on more complex/creative tasks?

Where in my schedule would it be most beneficial to have breaks? What should my breaks look like (taking a walk, meditating, stretching…)?

What tends to distract or pull me off task? Is there anything I can do to avoid or better manage those distractions?

Where am I most productive? How can I set myself up for success with my work environment (consider lighting, noise, decor, how you sit/stand at your desk and so on).

Put together a first draft of your ideal week and try it out. Stick with it for at least a couple of weeks before you decide something needs to change (change often causes discomfort, so give yourself a chance to adapt). Then, don’t hesitate to make adjustments if something isn’t working or your needs change.

Remember, this is YOUR ideal week, not your boss’s, partner’s, kid’s, etc. It won’t always be perfect or easy, but it should be in alignment with your natural flow. Following your routine should give you a sense of security and freedom. *Queue deep sigh of relief… ahhhhhh.*

2. Take a “less but better” approach to your to-dos.

In our quest for productivity, we often end up piling more onto our plates before we’re able to metabolize what’s already there. Tell me if this sounds familiar: One day, you get a lot done and feel great about yourself. The next day, your list barely budges and you feel sucky. I think we’ve all been there.

Or maybe this scenario sounds more like you: If you have three things to do and you manage to accomplish them all, you feel awesome and do a happy dance. But if you have 15 things and only get those same three done, you feel like a bum who can barely make a dent.

You’re not the problem here, toots—it’s your to-do list. Forcing constant accomplishment is like expecting yourself to be an assembly line. So let’s talk about how to be more productive with a less but better mindset.

This practice is based on a concept from Greg McKeown’s book, Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less (which I highly recommend, by the way… it changed my life!). He talks about doing less, but better, so you can make the highest possible contribution.

Keep your to-do list short and sweet, it’s that simple! Rather than loading it up with a mess of tasks you can’t possibly complete, focus on the stuff that really matters and moves the needle on your Big Sky Goals. A more manageable list = less stress = more energy for productivity in the areas you care about!

A less but better approach is about aiming for the big wins that create a domino effect in all areas of your life and/or business.

And if you need some help getting your priorities straight, you’re gonna love my new ebook…

Do you have dreams you want to explore (hobbies, side hustles, going back to school…), but can’t seem to find the time or headspace?

Do you have a full-fledged business idea that sets your soul on fire, but you think it’s too risky, too hard, too far out of reach?

Or do you already have a business, but you feel stuck and don’t know how to reach your ultimate potential?

If any of these sound familiar, you’re going to LOVE my new ebook, How to Build Your Business without Burning Out: 10 Keys for Avoiding the Mistakes Most Entrepreneurs Make. And you don’t have to be an entrepreneur to benefit from it—this resource is for anyone with an idea they want to pursue (no matter how big or how small) while balancing a day job, family commitments and staying well.

This free ebook covers the most critical lessons I’ve learned during my 15+ years of owning and operating a thriving business, including…

How to overcome fear of failure so you can finally take the leap and start the business or project you’ve been dreaming about.

What to focus on in the morning so you can prioritize the work that actually impacts your bottom line (and sideline the tasks that don’t!).

How to grow your audience and customer base without breaking your back OR the bank by understanding what they really want and need.

Do yourself a favor and learn from my mistakes. The world needs you to share your magic… I can’t wait to see you shine even brighter than you already do!

3. Build in buffer time.

We can’t be productive 100 percent of the time. We also can’t will ideas and solutions to come to light just because we want them to! In fact, sometimes the harder we try, the further our productivity (and good ideas) plummet. It’s not convenient, but it’s the truth.

That’s why we need to build in buffer time—for when we’re stuck, things don’t go as planned or the crap hits the fan (trust me, it will)! Having buffer time is a way to give your brain SPACE. Like brainstorming without a looming deadline, doodling your way through a challenge or just resting. Good ideas have a way of bubbling up when you just let your smart noggin relax and do its thing. Haven’t you ever wondered why you get your best ideas in the shower?

So next time you feel stuck or stagnant, don’t harass yourself for not being productive enough. Instead, step away from the task at hand and breathe. And if you want to take it a step further, proactively work buffer time into your schedule. That way, it’ll be there when you need it (and you probably need it even when you don’t realize you do, so give it a shot!).

Buffer time is also a must for when life throws you a curveball, because if you pack your schedule too tight, one small hiccup can turn into a full-blown disaster. For example, let’s say you’re on a team of people preparing for a new product launch. You map out your timeline leading up to the big day and divvy up the tasks with respective due dates. Then, one of your teammates gets sick and misses a deadline by a couple of days. And of course, the next step is contingent on the previous one! Without buffer time, a small blip quickly creates a domino effect that pushes back the whole launch. Ouch.

On the other hand, if you plan for the unexpected, productivity doesn’t suffer if someone falls behind. Your buffer is your safety net—it’ll help you bounce back quickly if you miss the mark for any reason (which is normal because we’re human, remember?!). Let your buffer catch you, then jump right back in.

4. Prioritize simple self-care.

Sometimes we’re so busy thinking about how to be more productive, we forget to take care of ourselves in the most basic ways. I’ve been there! But you know as well as I do that when you throw yourself out with the bathwater, it all goes to hell. Your ideas dry up. Your relationships suffer and so does your health (mental and physical). To avoid that hot mess, commit to supporting yourself through simple, consistent practices.

These are some of my personal favorites:

Wind down earlier: I know what it’s like to try and cram in a bunch of tasks at the end of the day, but getting enough quality rest is essential for productivity. Start your nighttime routine a bit earlier to prepare yourself for sleep—put devices away and wean yourself off the late night putter! For more sleep tips, check out my Ultimate Guide to Better Sleep here.

Center yourself: How you start your day sets the tone for your overall success. Doing just 10 minutes of mindful meditation in the morning (or during a midday break) can be a game changer for productivity throughout the day. Check out my video on how to make meditation easier here or treat yourself to my Self-Care for Busy People meditation album here!

Protect time off: You can’t maintain a high level of productivity if you never take time off! For me, that means planning for at least three week-long breaks throughout the year. They can be vacations or staycations, but it must be time to disconnect and refuel. Find a balance that works for you and whatever you do, schedule and protect it like your life depends on it!

These are just ideas from my toolkit. Try them out or use the self-care practices you already love! Whatever you do, it doesn’t have to be complicated. Self-care comes in many different forms—yours doesn’t have to look like anyone else’s as long as it replenishes and grounds you.

Psst.. If you’re an entrepreneur, self-care should be a part of your business plan. That’s what I call holistic entrepreneurship. Your business is an extension of you—if you’re not healthy, it can’t be either. And at the end of the day, your well-being is far more important than any amount of productivity or success.

5. Pay people to take care of themselves.

While I couldn’t do this in the early days of my business, I’m so grateful I have the ability to do it now. This tip is especially critical for all of my entrepreneurial friends out there, so listen up! I know from personal experience how easy it is to fall into the do-it-all-yourself mentality. Your business is your baby, so relinquishing control can be really uncomfortable. But you can’t be your most productive self if you’re trying to do it all.

The trick is to hire folks you trust so you can be at ease with sharing the responsibility. My Crazy Sexy Team consists of full-time folks, freelancers and consultants—all of that unique experience and perspective makes for a top-notch crew if I do say so myself! I wouldn’t be able to be as creative, focused and productive as I am if it weren’t for my incredible team.

But while saying how much you appreciate your team members is valuable, it’s not everything. So at Crazy Sexy Wellness, we make sure that sentiment also comes through in the way we pay and treat our people. That means offering competitive salaries and benefits packages, plenty of perks and, perhaps most importantly, LOTS of paid time off (remember what I said about protecting time off in tip #4?!).

Productivity doesn’t appear out of thin air—it grows where people feel valued, rested, secure and inspired! If you want people to thrive, set them up for full-body, holistic success. Listen to their ideas, respect their independence and show them how much you appreciate them by contributing to their self-care.

This tip isn’t just for work teams—it’s really about getting comfortable with delegating in all areas of your life. Your team might include your babysitter, hair stylist, therapist, partner, moving company… you get the idea. Whoever helps YOU be more productive needs your support to be productive (and happy and healthy!) too.

There you have it, my take on productivity!

I hope these tips help you get more done without creating more stress! Keep in mind that there’s no one-size-fits-all productivity plan. Your ability to get ‘er done will shift as life shifts. Babies change the game and so does sickness, family needs, unplanned renovations and car troubles. Our lives should be able to expand and contract based on what comes up. Be kind to yourself. Less but better. I love you.

If today’s tips resonated with you, don’t forget to grab my free ebook, How to Build Your Business without Burning Out: 10 Keys for Avoiding the Mistakes Most Entrepreneurs Make! It’s a must-read whether you’re already an entrepreneur or have always dreamed of starting a business, or if you have a burning passion you’ve been waiting for the right time to pursue (hint: the time is now!).

Your turn: What are your favorite productivity hacks? Or if you’re feeling unproductive these days, what’s standing in your way? Let’s support each other in the comments below!

Peace & simplicity,

The post How to Be More Productive in Work and Life (5 Stress-Free Tips!) appeared first on KrisCarr.com.

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thegreenhorseman · 5 years

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For those who were with me this time last year, this is about the time my life got very hectic and I dropped off from writing for a while. As a first time homeowner and having the horses at home for the first time a lot was happening. This year our never-ending ever-growing “TO-DO” list is just as packed. It’s a great thing to be busy but keeping all the balls in the air without dropping anything is no easy feat.

This year I have been making a solid effort to keep The Green Horseman on a schedule. I want you to have something to look forward to here and I’m always looking for ways to improve. As a reader and follower here you can look forward to #WordlessWednesday, which began in April, as well as my weekly blog post every Thursday. The first Thursday of each month Blade takes over with The Blade Chronicles.

Speaking of Blade, is he doing a good job giving his perspective?

On the Facebook page, I take it one step further by sharing an entertaining video I found every Monday, #TakeTheReinsTuesday, which I feature a post from another website that I found interesting. Finally, on Fridays the Facebook page also posts #FarmFriendsFridays which are just a few photos I enjoy sharing with you from my life.

Taking a moment from the hustle and bustle to write and share with you is something I truly enjoy. I especially love it when I manage to write something that inspires, you, my readers, to reach out and join the conversation. The first few months have been a bit heavy in the research-based posts and not-so-much with my real life. Today I want to give you a snapshot of what’s going on at The Green Horseman house.

As you already know we have become a large family consisting of 1 dog, 2 cats, 3 horses, and 6 chickens. This is our first year having chickens and we spend a few weeks this spring designing and building our coop. The girls will begin to lay eggs within the next two weeks.

The horses have been wonderful but my paddocks simply won’t grow nice and lush like I would prefer. The lower areas are very muddy. I am currently in the process of working with someone to establish a nice dry barnyard measuring 50ft x 50ft. The guy will be removing the topsoil, laying fabric, and covering with stone. This will allow me the ease of getting to the tack room without mud boots and it will allow the horses to have a dry area to stay during our recent monsoon-like weather.

We are very fortunate to have a hill the horses can live on to stay dry as well.

The horses keep me busy but I also need to make money somehow. I work for a semiconductor company that manufactures microchips. For the last 2.5 years I have worked overnight shifts (6pm-6am) and it has taken a toll on my health. My commute to work is approximately an hour each way, which gives me less than ten hours to feed all of our animals and wind down enough to try getting enough sleep for the next day. Sleep has never come easy for me and it’s even worse when trying to sleep during the day. Blackout curtains, eye masks, droning white noise, lavender, and melatonin don’t always work.

I wanted to celebrate our beautiful flowers but the exhaustion after a long overnight shift is so very clear here.

Doing the math I cannot afford the switch to days until I have moved myself up to a new role. Since January I have been working extra hard to learn several new roles and show my company that I am worth the promotion I’ve been after. I have taken on leadership opportunities, cross-trained, and worked on extra side-goals in order to improve myself. Next week I will begin working day shift for two weeks as I train to learn yet another role. This will be my opportunity not only to learn and grown but also to get my face in front of the decision makers who work normal hours. I have been looking forward to this for weeks now.

The flowers are beautiful though!

On my days off I also keep very busy. I took the winter off from riding lessons. It was a decision I needed to make for several reasons. One being that I hate riding in the winter and I don’t have a reliable winter vehicle. Another was a financial decision. I also had become lost by autumn; I felt I had no goals, wasn’t improving, and needed space to clear my head and try something new. I love my trainer, but lessons had become a chore and I often felt obligated to go but had no drive, no flame. I was emotionally and physically spent.

I enjoy snowy winter bareback hacks but I prefer to keep extra layers on and heavy boots on my feet that simply won’t fit in stirrups.

I got a gym membership and spent the winter working on myself. I found a love for spin classes and attended as many fitness classes as I could. As a former trainer myself I thrive in the social environment of fitness classes. Even if I don’t talk to anyone I absorb the energy of others and give 110% to my workouts.

I don’t think I’ve lost weight but I feel less depressed and I feel that flame again. The spark of joy for what I do.

I began riding lessons again last month and was happy to find that my fitness regimen put me in a great place to pick up where I left off last fall. I was able to return and get right back into jumping.

Since we built the coop this spring I have also been gaining some confidence around the power tools at home. I have been teaching myself how to make things. The first project I had was to build jump standards, which I exchanged for riding lessons with my trainer. I have already made four sets now!

I also have made two trail bridges, one for my home and the other for my trainer. The goal is to have the horses walk across the bridge, which is trickier than it may seem until the horses become used to it.

I also found some old landscape timbers that were left in a large dump pile on our property. Six of the timbers were in decent shape so I pulled them out, cleaned them up, and gave them a facelift. I now have usable visually appealing trot poles!

Finally, we addressed our pool situation. We opened our pool this year and are looking forward to using it. The issue, however, is the accessibility to the pool. Last year I posted about giving the pool deck a nice new coat of stain (Overdue Update Part 6).

When we finally had our family and friends visit we realized we had a problem. The children were quick to get away and find their way up onto the deck. Since we aren’t yet parents of little humans we had never thought of this before. This year I mitigated the problem and went about making our own gate. It’s no ordinary gate either. I examined our existed deck and did my best to copy what the previous designer had done. In no time I designed the gate, bought the materials, made the cuts and stained the wood. When the wood was dry I assembled everything. This took me only an afternoon and I was able to hang the gate the next day. I’m thrilled with the outcome!

Last Year

I also redid our deck flower boxes!

…and of course, with all the successes come our OOPSIES. When carrying the paint outside a pint of yellow slipped from my control. It fell at just the right angle to open and splatter all over the house, door, door screen, and the steps.

I guess we can’t always win right?

At least we had a good laugh about it.

All in all I have a good life. I am doing my best to get myself out of the night shift situation. I am doing well pulling myself out of chronic depression. I am feeling fitter, happier, and more joyful overall. I always find that I am super busy with a “To-Do” list a mile long but it keeps me going.

Are there a few things I’d like to change? Yes. There always are. At least for right now I am in a good headspace to move forward. I can’t always say that so it is a big step in the right direction for sure.

How is your 2019 treating you so far now that we are halfway through?

A friendly treefrog that enjoyed my company and decided to live near our pool. He has since been relocated.

The Busy Life of the Green Horseman For those who were with me this time last year, this is about the time my life got very hectic and I dropped off from writing for a while.

#Animals #BusyBusy #Chickens #DIY #DIYProjects #Dogs #Family #Health #Horse #HorsebackRiding #horselover #Horses #LifeisGood #Pets

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mikeyd1986 · 5 years

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MIKEY’S PERSONAL BLOG 135, December 2018

Last Saturday night, I attended the CinFull Fitness Christmas break-up held at The Main Cafe Bar Restaurant in Berwick. Considering that I had to work for 9 hours and quickly got myself changed after work (into an ugly Christmas sweater of course), I was amazed at how “awake” I was. The restaurant was a lot more fully booked than I expected and I could tell that the staff were flat off their feet. I easily found the table that Cinamon booked for us so I just decided to walk on over.

The sad reality is that I hardly ever go out socially so tonight I was making the most of it. Still, I was being sensible with my alcohol intake especially when I had to get up early for work the next day. Cinamon made up these cute little gift bags with a personalised name tag, each containing some bath bombs and choccies. It was a really sweet and thoughtful gesture. I decided to order the poached chicken with chips, which ironically was the first meal to arrive considering I got there a bit late.

Even though social situations will continue to be a challenge for me, I was doing my best simply tuning into the conversations happening around me. As I’ve stated before in previous blogs, it takes a while for me to be comfortable enough to open up about myself to people. I guess it’s a self-defensive mechanism of mine, being cautious about who I trust and trying my best not to get hurt. I’m certainly not a closed book either, simply just shy and reserved.

I could also tell that these girls (and guy) were all pretty relaxed around me. That actually puts me at ease because I know girls can have preconceived notions about men but the truth is that they have nothing to fear. I try to be the most easy going, friendly, caring, humble man because that’s my nature. We did have plenty of laughs and somehow I managed to stay for over 2 hours, which is a pretty big achievement for me.

I didn’t even need to rush over to the toilet once (for a mental regroup) so that shows my progress with being in social situations. I enjoyed my night and I’m really looking forward to smashing more fitness and confidence goals in 2019 with CinFull Fitness.

On Monday afternoon, I had an appointment with my occupational therapist Ambika from Everyday Independence. I was feeling a bit nervous and apprehensive today as I really didn’t know what I’d be in for. I did my best to create a calming, relaxed space in the dining room with my folder full of notes, a notepad, glass of water and radio playing softly in the background. At least I could say that I was physically prepared for this.

The appointment seemed to go pretty smoothly as Ambika gauged what I needed assistance with at home and together we put together a helpful weekly planner to add household chores to including cooking, cleaning, dusting vacuuming, sweeping, wiping certain rooms of the house. She also made it realistic and manageable, considering I don’t do many of these tasks currently, in order to build up motivation and confidence gradually.

She’s set me the task of preparing my own recipe for dinner including writing out a shopping list and buying all the ingredients. Sounds simple enough, it’s just the “doing” part now. Ambika also recommended a few apps I could use to help with moods, coping strategies for stress and anxiety as well as daily planning and checklists. These are Daylio - Diary, Journal and Mood Tracker, Headspace: Meditation and Mindfulness and Google Keep - Notes & Lists.

On Monday night, I attended my last Boxing class for the year with Cinamon Guerin at CinFull Fitness in Narre Warren South. It’s hard to believe that it’s been five months since I’ve joined this group and I can definitely see the improvements I’ve made with my confidence, focus, determination and drive. I’ve always been slow to warm up when it comes to learning boxing techniques and combos but it doesn’t take me long before I’ve “got it”. https://www.expertboxing.com/boxing-basics/how-to-box/the-beginners-guide-to-boxing

It was just a couple of us tonight (Sam, Sarah and myself) but I was content with that. I was actually worried that I wouldn’t get there on time with all the local peak-hour traffic making me run late but I made it. We did some EMOM (Every Minute on the Minute) drills which involved 10 jabs, 20 uppercuts, 30 highs and 40 hooks plus 4 side to side straddles, 10 star jumps, a squat hold and 10 V-crunches. Plus some continuous walking combos which made us all laugh.

I’m hoping that in the new year, I’ll be able to come to classes more regularly and even stick around for a “double” one time. But right now I know my limits in terms of physical fitness. It’s something I need to continue to work on so that I don’t get as tired or fatigued as often. It’s about forming better habits and smashing through goals gradually. It doesn’t matter how many times I go off track, I’m going to keep bringing myself back.

On Tuesday morning, Mum and I attended the City of Casey - School Crossing Supervisor’s Christmas social function held at Zagame's Berwick Hotel. Switching the venue from last year’s event at the Lynbrook Hotel to here seemed like a good idea on paper considering how large the turnout was. Sadly, they still ran into a few problems such as using a “random bingo number” system to organise everyone’s meal orders. It was chaotic and messy to say the least especially with Sonya having to yell out the numbers instead of using a microphone. Going table by table would have been much more efficient but never mind.

We were lucky to sit in a comfy circular booth near the rear of the Sports Bar with Mum’s friend Val plus Kay and Ray. They put on a Morning Melodies performance for an hour, playing a mixture of Christmas songs (Hark Now Hear The Angels Sing, Blue Christmas, Rockin’ Around The Christmas Tree) and a few classics including ABBA’s Dancing Queen and Honey Honey, You’re The One That I Want by John Travolta & Olivia Newton John and Sugar, Honey Honey by The Archies.

After the drama with the main meals was over, Dreena (the School Crossing Co-ordinator) announced a few years of service awards and drew out some door prizes. Mum was lucky enough to win one which I was very pleased about. As expected, I got asked the question of what I’ll be doing next year. I always find it really daunting and hard answering because I never really know myself. I’ve lived this year pretty much day to day.

It’s like people expect you to have your life mapped out for the next 5-10 years but in reality, I’m lucky to plan a month in advance. However, I am considering enroling in one of the free TAFE courses such as the Certificate IV in Mental Health as I have personal experience as well as a keen interest in that area. Plus I still have a burning passion for creative writing including blogs and music/movie reviews and also getting back into art again. So there you go. Hopefully that’s a satisfying enough answer for those wondering.

On Tuesday night, I went to the final Body Balance class for 2018 with Astrid held at YMCA Casey RACE in Cranbourne East. I was still feeling very tense through my upper back and shoulders after my boxing session last night so I figured some yoga and pilates stretches should help with that. We did the new release (number 83) which features tracks including Towards The Sun by Rhianna, Die Young by Sylvan Esso, There She Goes by Leon Bridges, I Need a Forest Fire by James Blake & Bon Iver. https://www.lesmills.com/workouts/fitness-classes/bodybalance/#facType=modal&filterType=0&classes=bb

Overall, this wasn’t a bad release. The balance tracks and Pilates were the most challenging parts for me but I did what I could given my limitations. Here is a breakdown of the exercises: Tai Chi Warm Up (Overhead arm circles, Flowing Water arms), Sun Salutations (Forward Fold, Low Lunge, Downward Facing Dog, Plank, Crocodile, Baby Cobra), Standing Strength (Warrior 1, Warrior 2, Joyful Warrior, Intense Pose), Balance (Half Moon pose, Falling Star pose), Pilates Core (Foot circles, V-crunches, Bicycle crunches, Bow pose), Twists and Seated Poses (Swan pose, Wide Legged Forward Fold with Side Stretches, Half Lord of the Fishes pose), Hamstrings (Butterfly pose, Happy Baby pose) and Relaxation. https://www.livestrong.com/article/39660-body-balance-class/

On Friday morning, I had my first appointment with a speech pathologist named Amon from Everyday Independence. Was it going to be like the opening scene from Everybody Loves Raymond? (THEY’RE COMING! Come and sing a song of joy!). Probably not. That’s just my anxiety trying hard to freak me out. New person alert. Oh shit! It’s something I need to seriously confront in order to gain more self confidence really. And the reality is that he’s here to help me. https://www.everydayind.com.au/our-therapies/speech-pathology/

Today’s assessment involved being asked a lot of scerario-based questions related to my communication skills and how I talk with people I know and people I’m not familiar with. It was pretty difficult and confronting at times especially the part on making conversation. This is an area where I have huge issues and a lot of sensitivity about ever since my childhood. Plus it’s really draining answering questions for 1.5 hours. https://www.everydayind.com.au/therapy/communications-skills/

Luckily, Amon was very friendly and easy going. It was just tough coming up with decent answers like how I respond in certain situations and trying to remember specific examples of times when this happened. When you’re in a brain fog or you simply can’t come up with anything, it’s embarrassing as. But Amon was quite patient during these awkward silences and didn’t push me too hard.

We also came up with a couple of goals to work towards over the next 12 months. This includes: Being more confident and using strategies to make conversation with others, especially people that I’m not familiar with. Developing friendships with people I feel comfortable with and be able to spend time socially with in the future. I rated my level of importance has high for both of these goals. Hopefully 2019 will be a more successful year for me in terms of achieving more self-confidence and better communication.

“The cold wind is blowin' and the streets are getting dark. I'm writin' you a letter and I don't know where to start. The bells will be ringin' Saint John the Divine. I get a little lonely every year around this time...I've got to know (Nobody ought to be all alone on Christmas). Where do the lonely hearts go (Nobody ought to be all alone on Christmas). Oh cause' nobody ought to be all alone on Christmas.” Darlene Love - All Alone On Christmas (1992)

“All around the world. Anticipation. 'Cause here it comes again (you see). No matter where you are. It could be near or far. But it still feels like Christmas time to me. I tell you what you already know. Forget and ready to let it go. The countdown has begun. Whether you're in the mmh. North, South, it's all the same. Let your troubles fade away. Get ready to love everyone.” Kylie Minogue & Dannii Minogue - 100 Degrees (2015)

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