#i am happy though even though i feel unsure and insecure about myself

[sixtyfourk]

I went to my first Pride event in my life today.

#64personal #it was just a low-key festival in a park #i'm glad i went though #this is the first summer i've been 'proud' i guess... or okay with who i am #i still don't feel like i belong anywhere or that i'm a 'real' anything #i still have so many doubts about who and what i am #especially since i'm such a baby at this... i feel like i still don't understand so many things and i'm immature compared to others #who have more experience #especially with romance and stuff #but i hope i'll get there; i've come pretty far over this year #it's going to be a bit tough going back home because i won't be able to do things like this anymore #but i know that i can get through this and stay proud of who i am #i might delete later dfhkjdfdfdf aaah... #i am happy though even though i feel unsure and insecure about myself

[andromeda-nova-writing]

My Favorite Actor Is…

Fem!Reader

Summary: Infatuation over a film star. It’s a very common thing to have happen. There’s not much to be done over it besides talking about said infatuation over that actor. And if there is jealousy to be had at least handle it as healthy as possible.

Words: 975

AN: I wrote almost all of this on my phone as I was dealing with the holidays when it was written. Just when I thought I would have time to myself to edit the fic and make sure things made sense, I got a new puppy. So it was either edit the fic and be unsure if things made sense or get help. Thanks @milkstore. You are the best. Puppies are tiring but very cute.

“Ayaka had me and Thoma go with her to see a film earlier today,” Y/N explained as she poured herself and Ayato a cup of tea. The two of them were still warming up after coming back to the estate from Inazuma City. The winter air had been so chilly with flurries landing on them but not sticking to the ground.

“Did the three of you enjoy yourselves?” He took a towel trying to dry off his hair. Even though it was flurries, being out there long enough meant that two of them were a little soaked. They had hurried in quickly changing into something dry leaving just hair affected by the snow.

“Yes. It was quite exciting. But I did have one gripe with it.” Ayato could hear the disappointment in her voice changing so fast from the happy one she had started the conversation with.

“What would that be?” He left the towel wrapped around his shoulders to avoid his hair dripping. Ayato grabbed the teacup and took a sip embracing the warmth it brought him.

“There was a new actor in the film. He had the most gorgeous eyes but only had a few lines of dialog.” Y/N rolled her eyes before she frowned. “It was an absolute waste of perfect talent. And to make matters worse, that's the only film he's in.”

Ayato remained silent before letting out a single word in judgment, “Oh.” Now he wasn't one to let jealousy affect him. That was a silly emotion filled with insecurities that he didn't have. But to say he wasn't the slightest bit affected by her words was a lie. One that he would tell because who was he to dump feelings he should process on his own onto his lover.

Any understanding of his emotions was ignored. “Ayaka had told me he even turned down a role that would have given him more screen time. It’s such a crime really. What I would give to see him on screen for those two hours rather than just two minutes.” He could practically see the hearts in her eyes. 

Ayato didn’t think there would come a day where he’d be annoyed even if it was just slightly by the look she had in her eyes. There wasn’t anything to feel threatened by though. If she had to stand by his side while someone tried to openly flirt with him while he and Y/N were holding hands, he could at the least let her fantasize about someone she would never meet.

“Maybe you’ll get lucky and he will get cast in another movie.” He did his best to remain engaged in the conversation. When he looked down at his cup filled with the most gorgeous green tea he hated the reflection that looked back. 

“I wish. Sadly he’s too busy with other projects to even think about acting.” Ayato enjoyed the small victory he had gained even though Y/N was upset at the fact she was telling him. Who knew her love of the arts would betray him?

“Well just be glad that he was able to appear in this film.” He comforted her. Maybe the lack of rest was getting to him if such a disgusting emotion as jealousy was trying to make an appearance.

“I am. I do wish I could at least meet the actor and tell him how well his performance was. Thoma said you’d be able to make that happen.” Y/N had placed an empty teacup on the table. He hadn’t even noticed that she was drinking it this entire time.

All Ayato knew was Thoma who he thought was filled with so much loyalty had betrayed him unknowingly earlier. Now he had to compete for his wife’s attention with some mystery actor that he would do his best to never let her meet. “If they are busy it might be easier to get an autograph.” He hoped that Ayaka would be okay with him using her as a way to talk through these emotions later.

“Really? But even Ayaka agreed that he would find the time to talk.” Y/N spoke with a frown that hid the smirk she really had. Not that Ayato could notice at the moment.

How do you ground your adult younger sister and man who grew up almost like a second sibling to him? “That’s not guaranteed dear. It’s a bit of wishful thinking. Ayaka and Thoma don’t even know the man. Who even is this actor anyway?” His composure was finally beginning to break. He wasn’t proud of it.

Y/N laughed. “I didn’t even tell you the movie we saw. I’m sorry. The movie was The Two Musketeers.” It wasn’t often that Ayato felt embarrassed. “The actor was a man named Kamisato Ayato. You sure I won’t be able to meet him?”

It was at moments like this that he was reminded why he and Y/N had wed. It was also moments like this that reminded him one of the reasons they wed was that they both enjoyed a bit of mischief and teasing each other now and then. It was something that lately he had been catching her off guard with. And here he was getting a taste of his own medicine at the moment.

“Y/N.”

“Yes.” She answered with a laugh. 

“I would prefer if you would try to not make me jealous of myself.” Ayato requested with a sigh.

“You know I was wondering when you would catch on.”

“It’s been a long day. A long week.” He explained. She could see the tiredness on his face.

“Why don’t we get my favorite actor to bed then instead of trying to hold a conversation about the day?”

“That would be smart.”

#kamisato ayato x reader #kamisato ayato #genshin impact x reader #genshin impact #ayato x reader

[neyswxrld]

moments like these (fireworks)

Wrecker x fem!reader

summary: You really, really like Wrecker, but you're a little unsure if he likes you back. The New Year's Eve party you're hosting seems to be a great opportunity to find out about his feelings.

warnings/vibe: pining, reader is a bit insecure about feelings, reader is very in love with wrecker, reader likes to touch wrecker, like they're touching each other constantly (consensual), a small kiss at the end, some fireworks, new year's eve, slight misunderstanding, some tears

words: ~4500

a/n: since i was left behind again, this time on new year's eve, i need some comfort for myself. 👉🏻👈🏻 i am still very in my wrecker feelings, and this is me compensating my touch starvation. also, there are so many cringy clichés in that fic again but well, what else are you here for? what else did you expect from me? xD aaand i wish you a happy new year!

Nervously, you look into the mirror, smoothing out your clothes.

You tried to look nice today.

Well, you always try to look good when you're expecting visitors, but today was a little bit different.

Wrecker and his family are coming over for New Year's Eve.

Since they were living here on Pabu, you met all of them here and there, and soon, the boys became your best friends. So it wasn't a surprise for you to host a small gathering at your place today, inviting them and their little sister over.

Especially since Wrecker has a special place in your heart, and you really want to spend this special occasion together with him.

It didn't take you long to realize that he is the reason for the butterflies in your stomach, the warm feeling in your chest, and your rosy cheeks every time his smile is directed at you.

And even though you know you really like Wrecker, you never dared to say a word.

You kept your feelings as a secret, too scared that he wouldn't return your feelings. Too scared of losing him and his brothers.

Nevertheless, you want to impress him. Of course, you want to. Because even though you are scared, there's still a little spark in your chest that makes you hope he likes you back.

You smile at yourself in the mirror and nod once. You look good tonight.

Just at that moment, the doorbell rings.

Immediately, your heart rate increases for a short moment. Your fingers start to tingle and excited, you open the door.

"Come in!" you smile and step to the side, letting all of them in.

They greet you with quiet words and happy smiles - except for Wrecker.

When it's his turn, he grins widely and lays his arms around you, hugging you close to his warm chest, and yell-whispers a small "Hi!" in your ear.

"Hey, Wrecker," you greet him too, hugging him back.

His typical scent rises to your nose, and it takes all of your strength to stop yourself from inhaling deeply and embarrassing yourself. There's a hint of the salty ocean breeze and some sunscreen in it. Together with his mild shower gel, it makes you wish to never smell something else again.

After a few seconds, which were probably too long but felt way too short, you parted again, still smiling at each other like idiots.

It were moments like this that sparked the hope within you.

"Where should I put the desert?" Crosshair suddenly asks, ruining the moment.

"Oh! Oh, yes. The kitchen," you say, startled, and guide him to said room.

"You can take a seat! Do you want to start eating already?" you ask the others, pointing at the table where different kind of foods found their place. While the brothers volunteered to make something sweet for after the dinner, you decided to take out your dusty, old pizza maker.

With that, everyone could make some tiny pizzas with their own toppings. It would take some time to feed everyone, but that was the perfect food for a long evening like this.

"I'm starving, can we start eating?" Omega asks and looks at Hunter expectantly.

With a small nod, all of you agree and settle down. Of course, you are seated next to Wrecker.

With some sweet small talk, funny jokes and hearty laughs, you enjoy dinner together. The atmosphere is relaxed, easy, and you're sure no one has to feel excluded.

Here and there, your and Wrecker's hands brush, and while you're a little bit jittery in the beginning, you soon find yourself enjoying the feeling of his warm fingers against yours, and as time passes on, you find yourselves touching each other quite frequently and way more often than necessary. For example, when you hand over a bowl, or when there's a plate a little too far on one side, and you have to lean into each other's space to reach it. Neither you nor Wrecker minds about it.

It were moments like this that made you think that maybe, just maybe, Wrecker likes your touch too. Otherwise, he would tell you to stop, right? Or he wouldn't initiate those touches by himself, right?

After a delicious and filling dinner, everyone helps to clean the table and the kitchen, and while Crosshair completes his dessert with some finishing details, Omega rummages through your cupboard that is full of different board games.

When all of you settle down again, ready to eat the fruity sweets and play the card game Omega found, you notice how Wrecker and you seem to sit a little closer to each other this time.

Would you have been sitting on the couch, watching a movie, you maybe would have considered giving it a try - but now, at the table with all of Wreckers brothers around you? No. You don't dare to make a move.

While you already were close next to each other in the beginning, now your arm is almost touching his arm with every movement. You would just need to tilt your head a little bit, and you would be able to lay your head onto his shoulder.

You soon find out that Wrecker is an awful player, at least concerning this game. His hands are full of cards, and even though they are huge, he struggles to hold them in an organized position.

Secretly, you try to help him and show him what to do under the table, and while he tries to act inconspicuous and follows your instructions with a big smile, he cheers for you for every move you make and laughs with you, every time you're the reason one of his brothers has to draw a few cards.

When the game is over, you're able to make the first place, carrying Wrecker to the second.

Smiling, he throws his one arm around you and presses you into his side.

"That's my girl! You did so well!" he grins proudly. In addition to his body heat that spends you some warmth, you notice your hot face that has to look like a tomato by the time he squeezes you into his side one last time, before pulling his arm back again.

But not entirely: he leaves his elbow resting on the back of your chair, so his heat still reaches your body.

You turn your head to the side, look at his side profile, and memorize all of his features.

His kind eyes that sparkle with happiness. Even his cybernetic one with the grayish tint.

His big nose that looks so adorable and sweet at the same time.

His full lips that seem to be both rough and soft.

His web-like scar that covers his face and makes it not only so unique and hard but also complete.

When Wrecker turns his head in your direction again, the hardness of his face melts into softness. His lips curl upwards, and he smiles at you again, eyes still sparkling.

Around fifteen minutes before the big firework begins, all of you start to dress yourself for outside. Omega is one of the most excited today, and you smile at her nervous nose crinkles. It's one of her first fireworks to see, and you can absolutely understand her excitement, especially because it's rare to see some fireworks here on Pabu. Even though you know it's not the best thing for your environment, you can't do anything other than stare at the beautiful play of different colors and sparkling lights in awe whenever someone decides to put a show on.

It were moments like this that make you think of a future together. With him. Your older selves sitting together somewhere, it doesn't even matter where, and just tell whole stories of lovely memories that formed the two of you, smiling and giggling with each other.

You sigh quietly, trying to ignore the thought.

Another very excited person is Wrecker.

He told you so many times how much he loved to blow things up and enjoy the sight of the wild flames or the smell of burned black powder of old weapons. Since the day he heard about fireworks, he wanted to try to make some by himself. In the span of a few days, he could explain to you how the little, colorful explosions work in detail. He knew which chemicals make which colors, how to make them sparkle, how to spread their projectiles in a certain way, and what he would need to make some of that firework of his own.

Sadly for him, he realized that not everything he would need was planet side. Since then, he was looking forward to every supply run he and his brothers would make, ready to bring home everything he'd find that would be helpful.

When the clock finally hits 00:00 o'clock, the first few colors start to brighten the sky.

Everyone falls into each other's arms, happy to be here together. You walk through the boys one by one, wishing them a happy new year. You give Omega, who is settled on Echo's hip and looking up with big eyes, a small boop on the nose, making her giggle. Because of her, you hug said man in an awkward angle, and he returns the gesture with a small pat on your shoulder.

Hunter and Crosshair each receive one after him. Then you gently pat Tech's shoulder, knowing he dislikes hugs.

Last, but not least, there's Wrecker.

You stand in front of each other for a few silent moments, smiling at each other in a shy way.

For a short moment, you even debate to just throw all cautions in the wind and just go for a kiss, but then you decide against it.

He gives you hope. A lot. And sometimes you feel like he likes you too. But then you just don't want, can't, take the risk of losing him. He means so much to you. So, so much.

"Come here," he breaks the silence between the two of you and pulls you closer.

Chuckling, you let yourself be pulled into his strong arms and enjoy his sudden closeness. You put your arms around his neck and hide your face in it, savoring his smell again. Wrecker presses you tightly against his chest.

"I wish you a very happy new year," you whisper into his ear after a while, still not pulling away from his tight embrace.

"Thank you. I wish you a very happy new year, too," he almost yells, excited, making you smile.

You part after another few seconds and stand next to each other, looking up into the sky. You're not holding hands, but you feel the back of his hand brushing against yours again. And again: while you would love nothing more than to just take his hand into yours, you're too shy to finally do it.

Despite her excitement, Omega already fell asleep in Echo's arms, and Echo himself is fighting with the goosebumps that start to spread over his cold body. Hunter looks as unhappy as Crosshair, holding his hands onto his ears, while the sniper presses his eyes together in an unpleasant looking way. And while Tech seems to be mostly unfazed, Hunter drags him inside with them.

After some time, almost everyone goes inside again.

Which leaves only you and Wrecker, also very unfazed, to stare at the night sky that is still highlighted with some single, late fireworks.

"You wanna go inside, too?" he asks quietly, looking at you from the side.

"No. I want to enjoy the quiet for a few moments," you explain, "What about you?"

"No. Can't miss a single little explosion," he grins at you and makes you laugh lightly.

"Understandable," you smile again, before adding: "Do you want to sit down?"

Wrecker turns his head a bit until he sees the small, wooden steps that lead up to the porch again.

"Yeah, come on," he nods and takes your hand, pulling you with him slightly. With a small smile, you follow him and sit down right next to him.

"Are you cold?" he asks suddenly, as he sees how you put your arms around yourself.

"Mh-hm. Yeah a little, but no worries, I can go inside and take-" you begin, but Wrecker seems to be faster.

Hastily, he pulls his jacket off and drapes if over your shoulders, tugging it around you securely.

"You can take my jacket," he says, almost proudly.

"But aren't you cold?" you ask, already snuggling into the fabric. It wasn't the first time he gave you the jacket and even though you know what he would say, you just want to be sure.

"No, I'm pretty warm. Keep it," he says, the familiar words. Smiling, you nod but decide to lean into his side a bit. Of course, just so you could spend him some warmth.

He still surprises you with his next words: "Besides, I really like how the jacket smells after you wear it."

You look at him with big eyes, almost unable to answer. You swallow a few times. The heat in your face indicates how red it has to be, and in the end, you simply decide to just smile, say a small thank you, and lean your head onto his shoulder.

"So, how was your day?" you ask after a few moments of quietly looking into the night.

"Well, it was very long because I was so excited and couldn't wait to come over," he answers with a bright smile.

It was so difficult not to smile when he was around. You felt like the corners of your mouth were glued upwards today.

"Yeah?" you ask in a playful tone. "Mh-hm, and when I saw you the first time today, I just could think about how pretty you are."

Your face turns red all over again, and with a shy smile, you hide it in his shoulder again. He just has given you another incredibly sweet compliment. You felt like your heart grows bigger and bigger by the minute, and only for him.

"Thank you, Wrecker. You look pretty amazing, too, today," you whisper, looking up into his face, that also has a rosy tint on the cheeks.

It were moments like this that seriously made you question your insecurities about his feelings for you. Wrecker wouldn't act around you like that when he felt nothing at all. He wouldn't make you compliments, touch you with those feathery and smooth movements, and he wouldn't have that burning face when you complimented him back. Right?

You swallow, and slowly but surely make a decision. You are going to tell him how you feel.

Now.

"Have you any new year resolutions?" you ask him, playing with your fingers and try to ignore your nervous heartbeat. You're trying to be smooth and not go like a bull at a gate.

Wrecker nods and looks over at you with kind eyes.

"What are they?" you want to know, genuinely interested.

"Oh, not so many. I want to train some more again because I feel a little lost sometimes without my routines. And... And I want to be a little bit braver. What about you?" he explains and asks you a question all the same.

"Be braver?" you ask, ignoring his question for now. "But Wrecker, you're one of the bravest people I know," you try to assure him, but he just smiles, looking a little bit nervous.

"Yeah, sometimes. But not all the time. Sometimes I feel really shy when it comes to... feelings and people and stuff," he says, and even though he just sounds so timid at the moment, you can't really imagine him like that.

"Shy? You? Wrecker, you're one of the most open and lovely people I know. I've never had the feeling you're not brave," you try to assure him, putting a hand on his arm.

"But well... I met this girl and I really like her. And sometimes I get really dorky around that special person because everything gets warm and wobbly inside me. And I feel my heart in my chest beating so fast, suddenly," he says again.

Your cheeks start to burn again. Sweat pours out of your skin, you get hot and cold at the same time, and your hands start to shake.

Is he... Is he talking about you?

But he said he met someone... Why didn't he tell you that?

"She has to be lucky to have a guy like you by her side.", you murmur, already ready to bring some space in between you. When he likes another person, you shouldn't be that close. It isn't right. Did he play games with you? Why was he acting so kind and lovingly, when he met someone else? Why did he say those lovely things around and about you?

"Oh, that sounds like you really like that person," you try to hide your fear and your disappointment and notice how your heart hammers in your chest. At the same time, you realize how the corners of your lips sink down. You know you can't hide your feelings.

"Oh yeah, she's the best person I know," he agrees, grinning widely.

On one side, you're hurt. You feel so hurt like never before in your entire life. But on the other side, you don't know what to do. You're so confused and overwhelmed and not sure about how to act. Should you run away crying? Should you scream at him for bringing your hopes up? Should you act like there isn't a problem?

Wrecker is your best friend and at the moment he is telling you, what is going on. How he feels about a certain girl. He is showing you a vulnerable side of him. You can't just run away, even though you want to.

And despite all the chaos in your head and your heart, you still cling to that little hope that maybe, just maybe, he's still talking about you.

Why would he act like he did when he didn't like you? Why would he hurt you like that? It is Wrecker. He is the kindest person you know. You couldn't believe he was able to hurt a fly. You couldn't believe he would play around with your feelings like that. You know him. You know him!

"You think?" he asks quietly.

"Of course," you swallow, "you're kind and lovely. There for me when I need you. There for your brothers and Omega when they need you. You're such a good listener and give great advice. You're empathetic and funny, and you always make me smile. You're strong and help people where you can. I feel like your heart is bigger than your whole body. And you're one of the prettiest people I know," you continue telling him how you view him.

This time, Wrecker gets red around his nose. He looks at you with a hint of embarrassment, but at the same time, he looks touched, even honored by your words.

"I think you should take your shot," you say, and even though it breaks your heart, you know you want him to be happy. If that isn't with you, then it is how it is. He still deserves to be happy.

Wrecker looks into your eyes for a few seconds longer.

You feel like he's going to reject you. You're almost bracing yourself for him telling you that he will go now and visit his special person.

You notice how they slowly start to gather some tears in them. You look away from him, not able to face him directly.

You try to swallow the tears. He doesn't need to feel bad about it. It is just unfortunate for you that he doesn't reciprocate your feelings. It's not his fault. The only thing he is to blame for, is for playing with your emotions like that.

"Okay," he whispers and nods slightly.

He tilts his head to look into your eyes again, but when he finally sees them, he stops. His gaze turns into a concerned one.

"Hey, what is it?" he asks quietly, just as one single tear slips over and travels down your cheek.

"I-It's nothing," you stutter and stop his hand from wiping away the tear.

"If it's nothing, you wouldn't cry," he says worried, but keeps his hands to himself.

"It's... well, it's... You made me feel like a precious and loved person. Like I mean something to you. Like you would like me back. And... well, I really appreciated that. I really like you, Wrecker. But knowing that you're in love with another girl? It hurts. So, so much. It's kind of hard for me to be glad for you at the moment. I really want you to be happy, and I'll come around and will be, I promise, but I just can't at the moment," you whisper, and with every word, you feel like the dam is crumbling.

You see how realization hits him. He blinks at you with wide eyes, opens and closes his mouth a few times, before he finally finds his words again.

"Oh- oh no, I didn't mean to-," Wrecker stutters a bit helpless, and despite your struggles, he pulls you into his arms and pushes your face to his chest.

"Hey, hey. I didn't mean to. I-I wasn't talking about another girl. I'm so sorry about that misunderstanding," he says hastily, and gently strokes through your hair.

You breathe frantically for a few times, before you suddenly stop, picking up on his words.

"You weren't talking about another girl?" you ask, voice shaking slightly, just to be sure.

"Yes. I was talking 'bout you. Of course, I was!" Wrecker says, somewhat upset, and pushes you a bit away from him, so he can look you into your eyes one more time.

Carefully, he wipes the tears off your cheeks and dries them on his shirt, before laying hus hands on your cheeks affectionately. You let him.

Tenderly, he strokes them with his thumbs. His gaze is soft, lovingly.

"I never met someone like you. I feel like you're the first person that really gets me. You understand how I think. You know what I like and what makes me happy. You make me laugh. And I, I really hope I can be all that for you too," he murmurs and doesn't take his eyes off yours once.

His eyes are holding so much love, and appreciation, just for you.

"Oh." Now overwhelmed by all his honesty, you can't stop another wave of tears that start to roll down your face.

Just like before, he wipes them away, not bothered by them.

"I'm sorry," you whisper after a few moments. You try to stop them and after a few minutes, you have some success.

"For what?" he asks.

"Uh, for crying and all," you sniffle quietly. "For being upset and thinking of the worst."

"Don't be sorry about that. It's me who needs to apologize. I didn't mean to scare you. I approached the subject in the wrong way. Do you think... you can forgive me?" he says, still not moving an inch.

But to be honest, you don't really want him to anymore.

You're almost on top of him, almost straddling his thighs. His big hands on your face and yours on his forearms. You can feel every muscle he moves.

"It's okay," you whisper and don't dare to move.

Your eyes are still locked, and suddenly, your seemingly too loud emotions quiet down. In the next few seconds, you feel like in trance.

Wrecker's finger are still moving over your cheeks slightly, comforting you in a way no one else could.

Slowly, he starts to come closer again and puts his face right in front of you. Your breath hitches, and with much anticipation and hope, you observe what he's doing.

He looks deeply into your eyes. This time, instead of hitching unevenly, your breath picks up.

Your fingers start to shake out of excitement, and your heart seems to beat out of your throat.

Wrecker slowly closes his eyes and comes even closer. You do the same, tilting your head to the side, ready to welcome his lips on yours.

You can feel his tense but excited breath on your face. Yours isn't much better. You really want to do this.

Now.

With him.

Just before your lips touch his, he stops for another second.

"Is that okay?" he asks one last time.

Touched, you feel your heart swell even more. Even in this intimate situation, he considers how you feel and wants to know if you're okay with his actions.

A happy exhalation leaves your lips, and you hum a quiet "Yes, of course it's okay," before you take the lead and finally close the gap between you.

As soon as your lips touch, you feel like a firework explodes inside of you.

For the first time, you feel like you really know what people mean when they talk about the butterflies in their tummies.

You're excited, and the adrenaline pumps in your body. You can feel it in your throat, your fingers. Anywhere. For the first time in a while, you feel whole and alive again. Like a new person.

Wrecker's lips are soft and warm. You can feel some uneven bumps where his scars end just above his mouth, and his light stubble tickles your skin.

Both of you keep the kiss sweet and simple, and as soon as you part again, you miss the feelings of his lips already.

"You okay?" Wrecker asks after a few seconds of silence.

"Absolutely," you say, and can't stop the wide smile on your lips. "You?"

When you look at him, you see the same facial expression. He nods, seemingly more than happy.

You settle down next to him again, and snuggle up right into his side, as he immediately puts his arm around your shoulders again.

You smile content, still a bit unbelieving about what happened just moments before.

Wrecker really likes you back.

Together, you keep sitting on the small stairs and watch over the sky, still enjoying a few lonely but colorful explosions in the distance.

When you're not whispering, smiling, or laughing together, you're sharing some sweet kisses and slight touches, letting the evening fade out together, right at each other's side.

Happy new year, you think to yourself.

@isthereanechoinhere96 @trixie2023 @freesia-writes

MASTERLIST

TAGLIST:

#the bad batch #wrecker the bad batch #wrecker fluff #star wars wrecker #bad batch wrecker #clone trooper wrecker #tbb wrecker #the bad batch wrecker #tbb wrecker x you #tbb wrecker x reader #wrecker tbb #tbb wrecker x fem!reader #x reader #x you #tbb #wrecker fic

[herotome]

Hi there! I’ve been following for a fair while (I was interested in the premise) and have been meaning to play the game for a while as well, but only started the last day of 2023! One heck of a way to start a year though!

I was wondering, how would the ROs feel about/interact with an MC who is touch averse? If MC can’t stand for people to touch them without getting a little sick feeling? How would that affect their relationship? Would that be a thing that would determine if they would or would not enter a romantic relationship with MC?

And maybe as a lil tiny bonus if you’re feeling up to it, how would the ROs feel if MC one day tried linking pinkies with them? If MC told them that their specific touch isn’t that bad and they wanna try slowly building up physical affection?

Sorry, this is kind of a long ask >.< I myself am iffy on touch at best and I know it’s commonly seen as a “necessity” in relationships of all kinds. Herotome is a VN that kinda breaks down modern relationships and I was curious so I wanted to ask, but alao totally understand if you don’t want or are unsure of how to answer this. Have a lovely whatever time it is in your time zone and I can’t wait to see how Herotome progresses!

Dude(gn) you're valid as hell thank you sending this over <3

I do wanna give a quick shoutout to @crescencestudio who - I know through my direct experience of editing for Alaris - is putting a huge array of touch-averse dialogue options in their VN. Do give them a follow if that interests you...!

I also want to express how flattered I am that Herotome kinda breaks down modern relationships - that's definitely been an unstated goal of mine.

Now let's see about your ask...

Warden: Fuck yeah he's down-- gosh what's gotten into me I'm cursing so much today but I'll make an effort not to censor myself <_< But yeah... honestly a touch averse MC would be right up his alley - assuming he is reassured that he has not done anything wrong/offensive with any accidental touches. To some extent, he enjoys the concept of self-restraint(...) and begins both his professional and romantic relationships rather carefully - so not having to worry about whether he's not touching someone too much or too little - and instead focusing on not touching them at all - should be quite refreshing for him tbh? He may want to touch sometimes, particularly after spending a LOT of time together... but being respectful and ensuring his beloved is comfortable is way more important to him.

Griffin: ..... well, Griffin would do her best LOL. They would have to set expectations and really communicate upfront (which you would always be doing with Griffin regardless of touch aversion, lets be real) - what is not on the table, what could be on the table in the future, what MC wants out of a relationship - and if MC is prepared to discuss these topics and - most importantly, if MC is 100% ready for a relationship - in all likelihood a touch averse MC will be able to make things work with Griffin. Just gotta be clear and communicate.

Mia: ngl she can get pretty needy, it might be rough with her...! She'll want to hug when she cries and she can get pretty insecure about herself, so I wouldddn't super recommend a touch averse MC getting into a romantic relationship with Mia... Communication can be rocky with her even when both sides try their best. But gosh she'd treat touch averse MC sooo well in the time they spend together, if MC would allow Mia to cook and pamper!!!

Dart: Eh.... Why not? He's willing to give it a shot, and if it doesn't work out then it doesn't work out. ....... I'm sorry this is all he's giving me ;;;;;

Jade: lmao she's touch averse on and off herself so she'd understand MC best out of everybody with very minimal communication no questions necessary. They'll be perfectly happy reading on opposite sides of the couch or something...

As for linking pinkies and slowly building up physical affection-

lol idek what to say bc that's so stinking adorable and swoonworthy

Warden, Griffin, Dart, and Jade would make sure MC is not pushing themself over their comfort zone just for their sake - they went into a relationship knowing not to expect touch (I assume?!)

Mia would be too busy having the happiest day of her life straight up vibrating and also having a heart attac like

#creatorofstars #ro: everyone #herotome ask #can I promise a full set of touch averse choices in my own game no #are touch averse mcs valid hell yes #both can be true at the same time

[alltoowille]

I am a massive fan of your work on AO3. I have taken down several of your quotes... these are some of my favs.

“I love you,” he suddenly felt the need to say it again. He told Simon that all the time. Not because he worried Simon would forget, but because sometimes it felt like there was a volcano in his chest and if he didn’t occasionally toss out some of the bubbling, burning love churning within him it might explode. (The way you describe airing out your feelings to someone as a bubbling volcano is so fucking vivid and honestly helped me to understand why at times I too would also need to randomly speak my feelings out loud.)

The joy of watching the people you love fall in love with each other. (I cant even begin to describe why this quote means so much to me. I have always been someone who loves to watch my loved ones interact with other people I love in my life.)

Simon saw him and didn’t turn away. Simon saw him and came closer. Simon saw him and walked until their bodies were touching and he could feel the heat from Wille’s burning heart and Simon wasn’t scared of fire. Simon pressed his hand over Wille’s bare skin and reached inside of him and pulled his chest open, just to get a better view of his heart. (Now THIS! THIS!!!! Has gotta be my all time fav from you. This is just so fucking lovely. I can't! I have thought about this quote every single day since I read it, and it has made me so happy. JUST THIS!!! WOW.)

Tradition, he long ago learned, had a way of muting its own atrocities. (The way you made me think about my own traditions I have in my family and the ways that I so easily gloss over some of the disgusting parts of it. You make me think a lot whilst reading your fics haha.)

He felt honoured, in some ways, to be the first to get to walk around the garden of Wille’s heart, hand in hand with Wilhelm as they looked at the thorns and flowers and weeds and herbs that had grown quietly, invisibly, over the past nineteen years. (No other words. This is just simply beautiful.

It felt as though they were flicking pure delight back and forth at each other, like the water was transformed into a fountain of nectar imbued with magical qualities, able to make everything lighter and more joyful than ever before. (Again. Just beautiful. 'Flicking pure delight.' Just wow. I love it so much. Made me think of my own times just being a kid with people I love. Being carefree. Thank you for reminding me of those times.)

The aisles were wide enough that there was no chance of them accidentally slamming into anything or causing any sort of problems—neither of them would risk breaking Rosh’s trust. Still, the benefit of being adults acting like children was that they knew the exact limits, both knew to remain careful enough that Simon wasn’t worried at all. (I love this. Thats all I can say.)

So yeah... pretty much all fics I've read from you have been exquisite. Your writing it breath taking and several times when I'm reading (or rereading), I have to take pauses just to compartmentalise what I'm reading because its simply beautiful, and just like poetry. Please never stop writing. I'm always super excited when I see an update from you. I've saved many a quote from you, and they all have such a special place in my heart. I often find myself rereading quotes and just ruminating on how gorgeous they are. Thank you for sharing your talent.

i have left this in my inbox for so long because i’m just floored and so touched by this ask holy FUCK!!!!!!! tbh i would KILL to see the full list of every quote you’ve noted from my fics or if you’ve ever talked w anyone else about them (even if it’s long my messages r open for as many screenshots as u have 😭) cause it’s insane to see lines on here that i was sort of unsure of or insecure about and then others that i was so happy with but not sure if they would resonate with other people ….. im just!!! at a loss to express my gratitude for this dani omg thank u so so much. i alwayssss look forward to your comments and im so happy to have tangible expressions of validation to look at when i doubt myself. also i have to add that the watching people you care about fall in love with each other is an allusion to yanigihara! “He experienced the singular pleasure of watching people he loved fall in love with other people he loved” is the original quote <3

anyway i was just feeling some self doubt and came back to look at this and decided it was time to answer :))) thank u so much for this it means so much to me!!

#asks #painter au #lake house

[rescatada]

Sorry to use your inbox like therapy but I really need some advice. Sorry.



I’ve always struggled with insecurity and feeling like I’ll never fit in my whole life but I’ve also really wanted to understand Christianity and become more religious out of a very serious sense of spirituality. But when it came to actually trying to go to church, I always felt too insecure and scared that I wouldn’t fit in to go which we get in the way of me becoming more religious so it’s like this really weird cycle that I can really figure out how to get out of. I’ve always been insecure over my weight and looks and since I am not a Baptist like the rest of my family and I’m more interested in going to Catholic churches, I’ve also been scared of sticking out like a sore thumb because I don’t really understand anything. Plus, I’m black which has made me really scared of experiencing possible racism since there aren’t many black Catholics where I live. I just don’t know how yo move past this bc I really want to go to church and learn and talk to a priest, I’ve done some learning on my own but there’s only so much I can teach myself, but I’m just so damn insecure and scared I hate it. I hate being like this. There’s also the fear of my family as well since their baptist and I don’t want to be. When they first got wind of me wanting to be Catholic they literally stopped me from talking to the Missionaries and since I still live with my mom, even though I’m 22 :/, I’m still scared to go to church without her finding out because if she does find out then it’ll be a big problem again

No worries! If you want to DM me, you can. There are online groups of Catholics on Facebook and discord more than happy to support you. Is there a way you could move out on your own in the future? I live with my husband so I didn’t run into this issue, but my dad wasn’t happy at all about my interest in Catholicism at first. I think that he didn’t respond more strongly because I’ve always been someone who walks to the beat of my own drum.

I’m not sure that I’d encourage sneaking to church for your safety and I’m unsure about the moral implications of lying to your family to go to church. If other Catholics want to weigh into that, feel free to! If you choose to try and go to mass, I’d try and find Catholics near you first to go with if possible so it’s less daunting and they provide a support system for you in case your family does find out and things go south for a while

I’ll pray for you.

#anon #prayer request

[sophsun1]

Hey! I’m the anon who asked you about s4!

Yeah I also love ted and brian’s friendship it feels so nice to watch. And we also have great storylines as you say, it’s just so painful sometimes.. I found myself struggling a lot more for the cancer arc than i did for the bashing, for example

4x01 is probably one of my favourite episodes EVER. Brian accepting his friends’ help, plus acknowledging them as partners.. in general in s4 their relationship feels a lot more stable and “mature”.. it really makes you believe that, after surviving that, they can survive anything (before s5 ruins it lol)

I do know they break up during this season! I had kinda removed the abrupt violence of the scene, that I’ve just rewatched, in which Brian throws Justin out, but I knew they split up.. but at least AT the beginning and AT the end of the season they’re together 😂 it feels so good to see them riconciliate a few episodes later and I’ve just realised that s4 Justin is probably my favorite Justin! it’s thanks to his determination and love that they got back together this time and I absolutely loved the “eat some fucking chicken soup” scene (s5 Justin feels so ooc to me, idk about you!)

I wanted to ask you, if I may, the reasons why you despise the pink posse arc (so do I btw)

anyway thanks so much for replying! hope you have a good day! x

Hey anon, welcome back!

I love hearing other fans perspectives because for me it's the opposite I was far more engaged with the bashing arc than the cancer one 😅

4x01 is a glorious episode Justin flipping the script back on Brian and getting him to accept the monetary help from them just like Brian helped Justin back in Season 2 with his loan for school, we love a parallel. Special honours for the end scene of Brian Kinney cuddling and nuzzling Justin's cheek outside declaring that his bed is for them and them only ALL THE FEELS. They are definitely more mature and stable in their relationship in that there's not the constant insecurity about how they feel about each other. Justin's not worrying that Brian doesn't love him and Brian has got over himself even advancing from his non defined, non conventional boyfriend to we're partners.

The chicken soup line is one of my all time favourite Justin lines and Randy's delivery of that whole speech is so satisfying to watch like yes call his ass out!

Lol even though it was a tiny split we must acknowledge it! I'm not a huge fan of Brian putting hands on Justin then (the scene I hate the most is during the pink posse arc when they actually hit each other like wtf glorified violence for dramas sake no thank you) I answered another ask about my pink posse thoughts which I'll attach below.

My favourite Justin is definitely Season 3 - Seeing him choose himself and his happiness over the fear of losing Brian. Don't get me wrong he and Ethan make me cringe but it was important for him to experience that. Plus I adore breakup era for britin. Standing up to his father and being proud of who he is and his be gay do crime stockwell era is 💯.

Yeah I've made many a post on the out of character writing for both Brian and Justin in Season 5 it was just a hot mess!

#britin #soph asks #ty anon #i love talking britin #😊 #queer as folk #brian kinney #justin taylor

[cybermeep]

there was an outfit i really wanted to wear on friday— changed last second because of the simple fact it wouldn’t work with my binder underneath it, and i’d have to put on something else to compensate for it. actually, not really. i mean, i did, and i was gonna be okay with it— but with both still coming to terms with the fact one of my ex acquaintances was a creep, along with the general stance of me not wanting to be called a girl more than i could help it, i didn’t. also because i generally wear my chest binder everywhere i go once i step outside..

which sucks. i love this shirt. its a hello kitty tank top i got from someone online, mainly white with some pale pink & green & yellow involved. one of my favorite shirts which i almost never get to wear publicly.

it’s complicated, because i could wear it, but then i would have to endure staring. possible dress code if i wasn’t wearing a sweater or something with it— which i was going to if i wore it— but even worse than that? not feeling like a true neutral figure because of it. because its fine if i get stared at, but i’ll be stared at as a girl.

..which is a hard thing to explain, but i’ll try. you see a guy wear a pink sweater or hoodie once in awhile, right? tank top? you dont look at him and think oh, thats a girl wearing that but because of the simple fact i look like.. well, myself, that’ll be the case. and its hard because i don’t really wanna… change? i like who i am. sure, voice could be deeper and taking testosterone would be really, really nice, but i’m also fine with my body. im not trigger happy to get top surgery as soon as i turn of age, cause.. i mean, im fine with my chest? i guess? its hard to talk about with people who don’t get it, and even with ones who do i never seem to find the right words. i mean yeah, id like it to be flat, but not right this second. maybe after awhile. but im.. fine with myself.

which makes it so much weirder when other people notice my weight. apparently, i’ve gotten skinnier. which is.. fine? i don’t really care. but, to be honest, no matter my current weight, i’ll always be a bit pudgy around the edges. i’ll always have stretch marks, no matter how faint. and i’m happy with that! im happy with who i am. its just weird when my body is made into some kind of foreign concept, because im just.. me. to myself, anyway.

..made a little drawing that inspired this whole tangent earlier too. id call it accurate. little moles and all! although i definitely have more. small little marks near my chest are a bit overstretched (same as the stomach hair) but still not too inaccurate. actually still have a small patch of skin pinker than the rest in my chest area from a time in 4th / 5th grade i stabbed myself in the chest with a mechanical pencil. still unsure why. during the summer i finally realized ‘wait, i should probably get that graphite out’ and then proceeded to.. kinda dig through skin to get it. was kinda gross. did get it out though! very mediocre story.

also forgot to mention how the tank top does ride up a bit, hence another reason why it would probably be dress coded. stomach does show a bit with it, something i used to be very insecure about. not as insecure about it anymore.. yippee!

#long tangent over! if youve read this long i commend you with a lollipop. thank you for listening to me #cybers tangents #cybers art stuff #cause theres some art in here

[7thpuzzlepiece]

Today is a pretty sunny day. I wake up next to him, looking cuddly in his pajamas, his left harm on my waist. As I try to get out of the bed he reaffirms his grip on me and embraces me with his two arms. As cutely annoying as it is, his little scrunchy face makes me smile. I turn over to look at him. Our eyes lock and we smile while staring at each other. He indeed is the most beautiful human being I ever saw. So pretty, with his harmonious face, lean but not skinny body, and soft hair. I wish I was as pretty as he is, I wish he had a girlfriend on his beauty level. I try to get these thoughts out of my mind, and I kiss his nose before leaving the bed with a grumpy boyfriend complaining about his empty arms. Soon after, he joins me in the kitchen, bringing me a fluffy jacket. We eat our breakfast together, with a very calm and peaceful vibe.

The sun being too bright to stay inside, we agree on a walk and a bit of shopping in a nearby place. As I try to find clothes that please me, I struggle and just end up wearing the baggiest jeans I own, and an equally large sweater. As I walk out of our room, I compliment him on his outfit. Those jeans look very good on him, as well as this black turtleneck and his blue shirt. He always kinda makes me buffer when I see him in turtlenecks. He knows it and smirks when our eyes meet.

We walk out of the home, he takes my right hand and put an AirPod in my ear. I let my thoughts fly away with the music, and try to enjoy the sun, him, and this moment. The river we walk along flows calmly, and a soft breeze blows. As the 6th song starts, we enter a mall we have already been to a few times. We first decide to go to the library and end up spending a few hours there. I see some books I am interested in, but I can’t seem to make up my mind and chose any of them. I feel like whatever I decide I will be disappointed, whatever the book I chose or don’t choose is. I end up leaving the shelves I am interested in, to go to some uninteresting place. He has a bit of trouble finding me in such an unexpected place.

« What are you doing here ? Are you getting interested in… sports? » He says laughing softly, « You’ve been too far for the music to keep on playing between us, you made me a bit scared ».

« I’m sorry, I didn’t meant to. I will warn you next time », I put a small smile on my face and takes his hand to bring him toward the exit. « Let’s go eat a little something, I am in a fruit kind of mood, and you? »

I see the line between his eyes appearing, and scared to ruin the mood, I start walking with him on my heels. We eat a fruit bowl, in a small restaurant on the third floor. When we finished our meal and walked out, we find a new shop with pretty loose streetwear kind of clothes. His eyes light up and he looks at me.

« We have to go there! That’s exactly the kind of clothes you like! ». For sure the clothes there are really pretty and I think that I could find some I like. However, I am a bit unsure I haven’t been able to decide on anything today and have been very insecure for the whole day. However, he looks so happy that we found clothes I might like that I am not brave enough to refuse. We go into the shop, and I find some jeans I like, as well as a sweatshirt and a shirt. I go into the fitting room and try the first jeans on. Even though they are supposed to be loose, I feel like they are way too adjusted on my thighs, and it makes them look even bigger than they already are. I don’t even go out of the room to show them to him as I know he will say they look good on me and I will once again question whether it really is true or he is just trying to reassure me. I try on the second ones, very wide, dark blue, only staying on my body thanks to my hip bones. I head out shyly to show them to him.

« They look very good on you, but shouldn’t you try a smaller size? I could myself easily wear those jeans » I shake my left and right, telling him, that it is exactly the very wide pants I want. I head back to the fitting room and try the sweater, I end up not liking the shirt, which makes me a bit unsure. He says that he wants to offer it to me, as it looks like one of his and it will be « so cute to have matching shirts ». I doubt it will be cute since everyone probably considers that It is such a waste to have a beautiful man with me, but I smile at him. Feeling fake.

When we go back home after our day out, I feel drained. But I want to try again my new pants with the shirt I bought and a black turtleneck to be clothed like him since he seemed to be so excited about it. However, as I wear the very low jean with a fitting teeshirt, all I can focus on is my belly, looking way too big under the black teeshirt. I try to look at myself from different angles, but none of them is making me feel better, and I slowly start to cry. All of the anxiety, doubts, and pressure I put on my shoulders today is leaving my body. He hears me and comes into our bedroom.

« Love what’s wrong? Did you hurt yourself?  What happens? ». He hugs me softly, which only makes me cry more. But he deserves to know.

« I am sorry you are dating me, I am a person who looks so bad and who has such an ugly body, while you look so good. You deserve someone better, and someone who doesn’t get anxious about everything or cry whenever anything happens. » His big eyes open wide, incredulous.

« Who said such things? You are my favorite-looking human being ever, you are the only person I would stop walking for in the street. Your face looks incredibly cute and lively and you look perfect. You are not fitted like those skinny models, but I am glad you’re not. You have a very healthy and beautiful body and I love it so much. Your jeans for instance look amazingly good on you, and this whole fit you have on would actually have made me buffer if I didn’t hug you. » He slowly embraces me a bit more strongly and leaves his palm on my belly. I try to contract it, but he makes me take deep breaths to let it be. He gives me some time but then strokes my belly.

« This body is giving me so much love every day, I hope you could do the same, but in the meantime, I will love the two of us for you ».

« You are the one I chose to be my girlfriend, the only one I want to hug, wake up next to, cook for, and read books with. No matter what you think I might be thinking about, I am probably not. Please, next time, if you are having a hard time with your head, just tell me, and I will remind you what my thoughts are ». He then leaves the room and comes back a few times later with some fruits, water, and a present.

« I saw you being hesitant in front of these books, so I thought it would be a good idea to buy them for you, little girl ».

I wrap my arms around the neck of my boyfriend. My loving boyfriend. Thankful. Knowing he knows me better than I know myself. He loves me. He cares for me. He treasures my existence. I love him

#boyfriend #cute #caring #imagine #ed #body dismorphia #comfort #comforting #hug #warm #mental health

[mufidahfd]

What a year

Last year was a very confusing year for me. On March, I became an English teacher for the first time. It was such a bold move, I merely applied to become one because I didn’t want to become a person without nothing to do. Haha. But then from here, my journey became a loong journey..

In the beginning of teaching, I realized my English was (or is?) not that really good. Yeah, especially the speaking also the grammar, also how to manage kids in a large class with English. I made many mistakes, was teaching awkwardly, learned bunch of everything about how to teach English from YouTube and other teacher at my work place, whilst at the same time, must handle my own insecurities about why I chose this path instead pursued a job in line with my major. Especially after graduated from my master that cost a fortune. That was a roller coaster life.

Then I kind of shocked about children in this era. First, they were born in around after 2012, I feel so old (and ponder what am I doing with my life until now?). Secondly, they are not the same with me when I was in their age. They are more blunt (not always in a bad way, but mostly :’’8 ), smart (some of them have better pronunciation than me), and more mature. What I mean with mature is, they have already exposed to something 18+ and can talk it without hesitation in the class. Just 1 or 2 people actually, but it really become a headache.

Also, I tried using movies and Duolingo app for teaching, but then I startled, what they rated suitable for kids apparently in my opinion it is not suitable for them. Like kissing scene in 10+ rating movies or obvious lgbtq contents in Duolingo. I humbled and become more cautious to apply new things in my class.

After I found out, that kids nowadays are like that. I asked myself, “ do I still like teaching children? what kind of children do I like to teach? is only an innocent child? only a good kid? why they should meet my expectation of what children should be? am I a good teacher? am I a proper adult?” and so on, and so on. My final answer is let them be, let me be. I accept them like they accept me. But I try to tell them what’s wrong what’s right in Islam manner, then it is up to themselves to do it or not. Even though, I pray hard to Allah that Allah guide them in the right way. My conclusion is I really like teaching children, they are fun to be with haha.

Enough about the children, after 7 months of teaching English only for youngsters, then the roller coaster track brought me to a lane where I must force myself to teach adults. Not just any random adults that I didn’t know before, but they are teachers, for exact my teachers from my elementary school. That was really nerve-wrecking. Really. A day before, no not a day, a week before my class for my teachers, I cannot feel myself. I was afraid, unsure, and overthinking things. Again, asked myself why do I do this? why I put myself here? Why I am me? (nah lo). But right after finished the training for one day (we called it training not teaching), I felt relieved, it was not as bad as I imagined. My teachers are friendly and supportive. But then the cycle rotated again when my training schedule approached in my eyes. After the training project finished, I am very happy until this day, that Allah helped a lot along the way.

Not finished yet, on March this year, I became a trainer, for my former teachers again, this time is my junior high teachers. What a year huh!

Oh Allah please help me and make me a competent person that You proud of... please give me a tranquility heart and mind

[dex-starr]

The worst feeling is that part of me feels like I was jumping the gun getting ready to like change my life completely by moving over there. Like that was all me — all of that burden was all me. Not the financial part of it because you would’ve helped. But the acclimation and figuring things out, hell.. figuring myself and the future out because the only thing I felt sure of was our relationship. I just felt unsure of myself being all that great for you because of things I noticed from you. I never felt those insecurities even though I did have insecurities that I didn’t explain well to you. But like yeah like I’m sitting here having resolved most of my financial issues and debt. Having gotten myself together in that regard — somewhat fixed my health and my body to where I can actually be somewhat useful. Hell I was not in good shape at all in all these years we were together and I was fooling myself thinking so. But the biggest thing, the biggest thing I needed to just acclimate to was changing my entire surroundings and packing up what is essentially everything in my entire life that wasn’t you and taking it with me somehow. I hadn’t figured out a way how to do that with my stupidly wired brain. That kind of change was difficult to start but also difficult to follow through and well adhd is a bitch and a half for these things.

But like now I just sit here and think did I jump the gun in saying I wanted to marry you? Did I jump the gun when I was only half joking when we met about these things? Like the worst part of it all is I’m seeing stupid shit like people relating their crushes or intense feelings to just sources of dopamine for adhd like that just fucking deflated me so much because that was something you said. That I just liked the idea of being in a relationship. That fucked me up so bad you have no clue. I still kept it together then but in hindsight man that made something I felt was unwavering waver so much. It was a catalyst to let it fully crumble, my distance from you was just me not knowing what to do because I’m socially maladapted to what you’re going through or we’re going through. I wanted to reassure you and kept on trying to do it better but it either felt like I wasn’t doing enough or you wanted something I was incapable of even though I kept on doing more. I don’t know which it was. In any case the point I’m trying to make is doubt crept into my head and sits there. I am the type of person that will take the blame even if it’s not completely on me because it’s easier. I’m the type of person who would rather give you someone to yell at if that’s what you think you needed to move on and be happy. I think that was so fucking stupid of me because I didn’t want to give you that but I also did because I kept on telling myself there was no way you were going to be happy with me with what you were saying.

Maybe it was true, maybe it wasn’t. It probably wasn’t but the problem was resentment had started to creep in and doubt had started to creep in as well. When those things take root, no matter how pure our intentions were and how honest our feelings may have been — it corrupts everything into something completely unrecognizable. Because that’s what I can say about both of us when we did our worst actions — they felt unrecognizable

#shut up pls dex #feelings are difficult when you're a dumbass #my thoughts are incomplete and incoherent as always and they just keep coming #I really do be the I’m gonna elaborate and still leave you confused kinda guy

[likeaphoenixrise]

I've had a lot of time over the past few days, to reflect and ponder Me. I have always known several things about myself. Over the years those things have not changed, if anything, they have grown, even in years that I emotionally stayed stagnant. These things make me who I am, they are the reason people love me, and they are the best attributes that I possess.

I am an Empath. I love people, not just those who love me back, but everyone. (now, there are a select few that have done certain heinous things to me, that no longer deserve my empathy, and I have added them to a list of people that I despise. Once you are on that list, you don't come off) Being an empath is tremendously rewarding and the hardest thing I've ever done.

I am submissive. Notice I didn't say I was "A" submissive, rather it is in the making of my DNA and is literally who I am. It isn't a part I play, or a title I assume, or even necessarily something that has to be mentioned in my relationship. It isn't a BDSM centered thing, it is ME, and it is never going to change because I can't remove my DNA.

I have boundaries. Not many, I am pretty laid back when it comes to what I will deal with and what is a deal breaker. The biggest and probably main boundary that I have is, I REFUSE to sacrifice or give up so much that someone else is happy, taken care of, etc. and I am left feeling small and miserable. I will literally do most anything and go along with most any decision so that others will be content. But I won't be miserable while everyone around me is satisfied. If there isn't a way to make sure that I am also happy, content, satisfied, etc. then I don't and won't be a part of it. Another boundary of mine, is I expect to be treated with basic human decency. This means, that I expect to be talked to, treated, and generally considered and worried about like any other human. Human decency doesn't involve titles, it is simply given becuase you are another human being. It can be taken away if that human is evil, or makes decisions that make them undeserving of it. If I am not evil, and I definitely haven't done anything to not deserve it, then I expect it.

I am okay with being alone. Do I prefer it? No, but I will be alone and content, before I am with anyone and feeling like I don't matter at all. I DO matter. I matter to ME, and that is enough. If I am not important enough to someone, for them to respect me, talk to me like I am someone and not like I am the piece of gum or dirt on their shoe, then I would rather be alone.

I am no longer going to stress myself out to make things happen for other people. I will spend a few moments trying to help, but I am done running myself ragged and then none of my efforts being appreciated.

I am an emotional being. When the universe designed me, it put in me the ability to show my emotions and not bottle them up. If my ability to show my emotions is hard for someone, then I suggest they not look at me if I am upset, angry, happy, excited, etc. I have big feelings and emotions. I am PROUD of that.

I have a lot to work on as far as recovering from 2 abusive marriages, and it isn't going to be an overnight transformation. I have 32 years of junk, trauma, abuse, negligence, abandonment, and a slew of other things that I didn't ask for, to deal with. I am beginning to deal with it, and those who are patient and kind and respectful, are appreciated.

I am a lot to take in, love, deal with, etc. I am the first person to admit that, however, I am also the person who will love you through literally the good, the bad, the ugly, the confused, the unsure, the insecure, etc. etc. I deserve to be treated like a QUEEN, especially if I treat you like a KING. A lot of the attributes that I have, are viewed as weak, scary, other names that I wouldn't call anyone, and that is ok. Only the real and good people will get to see it. A transformation is taking place though, and I would hate for someone to miss it. It is going to be something out of this world. I am worthy, deserving, a QUEEN, kind, Submissive in my very nature of being human, and I want to share that with someone. Cris, I know that things are not playing out like you would have hoped and /or expected them to. I know that this situation puts a lot of strain and worry upon your shoulders. I am here to say, that You do not have to take me on as another thing to overload your brain. I am perfectly happy with whatever makes us happy and makes our relationship flourish. I know this was long guys, and if you made it this far, I sincerely thank you for reading and hope that you will be able to use anything that I've written. As always, Be Like A Phoenix XOXO

#long post #warningitslong #self impro #self love #self reali #empathy

[madeupoflowers]

Your next glow-up!😗💅🧚🏻‍♀️

LMAO ITS BEEN A WHILE SINCE I’VE POSTED BUT NO FEAR IM HERE NOW.

Excited I got more posts coming as soon as I finish editing them.

Now, pick a Mina Myoi(from left to right) and whichever picture(s) tug at your heart has a message for you! If nothing happens then thats fine as well, this post may not have a message for you yet. Take care and I hope you all enjoy. Sending lots of fairy dust to you lovelies.😗💕💗🧚🏻‍♀️

Pile 1

My instant though when putting down the cards was “counseling or psychiatric”. I feel if you chose this pile you are definitely going to prioritize your mental health more. There are deep wounds here and I’m so happy to see you all seeking the help your hearts need. Healing from toxic illusions and patterns passed onto you and healing your wounded/broken heart. I feel someone here got screwed over by a former institution or mental health worker, someone you spilled your heart out too who completely let you down. You’ll be taking a big and brave step to opening your heart a little bit to seek help again. I see someone breaking their shackles and them falling onto the floor and shattering as if they were made of glass. Don’t mind the slight graphic nature of my next sentence but you will be shedding your skin and becoming a whole new and different person. Trust me when I say it’ll be the best thing to happen because you will find inner peace. You will take more time for yourself and have no guilt for it. You are finally gonna be seeing your worth and God…that makes me so damn proud of you. Cheers to you babe. Wishing you the best of luck!! <3

Channeled messages: silver cup, lysol wipes(idk either dude), Virgo, mint, dark colored eyes, Keanu Reeves, 16

(such a beautiful cover of Coldplay’s, (Yellow)

Pile 2 

OHHHHHH DAMN HONEEEYYY. Ok ok I’ll stop. Y’all have been putting in work for what may feel like such a long damn time already. Well hon let me tell you it was all worth it and now your luck is about to change for the absolute best. I got the Empress and Queen of pentacles/and wands in this reading(bare in mind this is for all genders so don’t let Empress or Queen catch you off guard) so you will be growing into the most true and comfortable side of yourself. It is who you have seemed to have been unsure of for so long and maybe even insecure. I feel some people here have been uncomfortable with their natural feminine/masculine energy and have been trying to reject it but now you will see the value in it. I see this is really gonna surprise many around you as it may literally be you waking up one day and saying “Fuck it, this is who I am.” I see cutting a few people off specifically two people are standing out here. These people have either been up in your physical space and leeching off of you even or taking up space in your mind and causing distress. Either way they have been real douchebags and you are D.O.N.E. You are gonna get rid of those holding you back. You will step into your power and take the reigns and ride off into the fucking sunset. Good for you babes. Shame on those that thought they could take your power from you cause shiiit, they are about to regret it. 

Channeled messages: a significant necklace, silver star stickers, gold, sunflower, snakes slithering around, clouds, oranges, wind chimes

Pile 3

Yup, this is the break up pile. Situationship/lead on/third party/etc. You have been stuck in a situation where you didn’t know which step to take, almost like you find your worth in others especially romantic partners. Now this shit is about to shift. You are taking that power back for yourself and giving no fucks about it. You went from the Page to the Queen of wands. You are tired of these useless battles and waste of time. Giving more and accepting less than you fucking deserve. Ugh I’m feeling angry all of a sudden and like I wanna scream, you have been holding this frustration and burden in for so long. Let it all out honey. You decide if this is how you wanna live your truth. You want someone who puts in 100%? Then accept NOTHING less. You understand me? Know you don’t need to settle for ‘Page’ like personalities(negative Pages: immature, unfaithful, angry, guilt trip, unmotivated.) but King/Queen like personalities whether that be in love or friendships. I see you loving yourself more and taking time for yourself. Loving yourself the way you would want to be truly loved. Babes, you are stepping into such a powerful era I am so excited for you. You aren’t gonna settle for anything less, you are becoming aware of how much of this life if all in your hands. Take your power back. This is your life. Not anyone else's. You better remember that. Good luck hon. I’m rooting for you!

Channeled messages: Joan of Arc, Athena, maple, the Phoenix from Harry Potter, amber eyes, pink silk, Taurus, sound of flowing water, smell of moss, humidity, the Earth after it just rained, 11, waxing crescent moon

(Hehe I love this song. Pink is so snarky and hilarious. Highly recommend a listen!)

Pile 4:

Ahhh yes every reading seems to have this pile lol. Y’all got mostly Court and Major arcana cards. Literally only one Minor Arcana. Wow. If you chose this pile I know damn well you are not letting any of these bitches take your kindness for weakness. You are so kind and giving but I feel on the surface you protect yourself like a Spartan going into battle. It sucks you had to have been abused so much to have to harden and protect yourself like that. It makes me so mad and disgusted. Know your next glow up is learning how to keep balance when it comes to being sensitive but also not a push-over. I feel you guard yourself too much it could accidentally pinch those you love dearly and even yourself. Balance is a challenge for you, I can feel it. That’s gonna be one of the main lessons this time honey, you will learn how to play the cards of your own game and not subconsciously put those in other people’s hands. You of course are a naturally strong and protective soul, you’d fight and maybe even kill for the ones you love. Know that you don’t gotta choose a side of yourself. You don’t gotta repress yourself. In the end all those little pieces of you are what makes you this whole, powerful and amazing human being. This unique soul. Take zero guilt for setting boundaries and laugh until you tear up. I know being vulnerable is such a challenge and won’t be healed over night but I see you opening up gradually and surly. To me that is beyond beautiful. I’m so proud you. I believe you so much. Sending my love to you. Channeled messages: ENTJ, yin & yang, colorful beads, silver wire, yellow daisies, black top, green eyes, Aries, deli, India, ‘the land of the rising sun’, the word ‘Ancient’(instantly thought of a very old soul)

#pick a card #pac #tarot #astrology #2022 #selflove #glowup #riderwaite #1111 #manifest #fortune #Spotify

[absolutelyfizzing]

unwanted feelings

james potter x reader

description - You'd had a crush on James Potter for years and when he kisses Lily Evans in front of you, you are heart broken. Later you find that he didn't actually feel as you expected and he explains himself.

warnings - some angst, unsure reader, fem pronouns, self doubt, negative self talk, not eating for a day cause reader is avoiding someone

word count - 2800

A/N - so this one isn't my best work by far but i wrote it so looks like its getting posted. i don't know why all of my reader inserts lately are so fem and sort of bubbly, i guess it's sort of what i'm aiming for for myself right now but i'm sorry if it maybe isn't coming off as relatable.

MASTERLIST

Your throat tightened in anxiety as you watched James zoom around the pitch. He was reckless when he was playing quidditch and it was one of the things that made him great at the game and an excellent captain. It was also the thing that nearly gave you a heart attack every time you watched him play. You went to every one of his games and you always wore something of his with his colors when you were in the stands. You were stood up on your seat and a slightly bored looking Remus sat to your right, reading from a book you didn't recognize. You'd thought that Sirius playing would be enough to keep him interested but sports was just not something he enjoyed watching. You were usually that way as well but whenever James was playing, suddenly you were the most intent spectator in the stands.

You were more worried than you should have been. More worried than what was appropriate for a friend to be. That's what you were, friends. That had been reinforced many times by the shaggy haired boy and you tried desperately to get it through your head before you embarrassed yourself one of these days. Sometimes though, you just couldn't help it.

Really you might have thought he reciprocated if you didn't know any better. You often got comments on what an attractive couple you guys were but each time it was quickly corrected by James. Normally along the lines of 'Oh god no, we are just friends. Purely platonic' , sometimes followed by a shudder or a gag even. It upset you every time to no end but you played along. You rarely, if ever, contributed to the shooting down of any feelings but that was never noticed by the man you had feelings for.

You'd had a crush on him since you were probably in your second year and now you were coming to the middle of your seventh. There were a million times that you almost said something but every time there was a reminder that you were not the one he had eyes for. It usually took the shape of disgust at the thought of dating you or commentary as he pined over the Evans girl who you felt you could never compete with. How could you when she was just perfect. You saw her to the left of you as she stood in the stands as well and your hands shook with insecurity before looking back toward the game. Your heart raced nearly as quickly as James did around the pitch and you prayed that the snitch would be caught soon so that you could get rid of the stress surrounding you. You felt a hand on your right shoulder and you looked over to find Remus had stood and was looking at you caringly.

"Are you alright, Y/N?" He asked softly and you tried your very best to soften your gaze and calm your stance so you appeared less concerned with someone that you shouldn't have that much interest in in the first place.

"Of course I am. When am I not?" You smiled before looking out at the pitch.

"When youre watching the guy you're in love with play a dangerous game that you don't like." He stated simply in response to the question you meant to be rhetorical and your eyes widened.

"I don't know what youre talking about." You nearly whispered and Remus smiled.

"I'm not gonna tell anyone Y/N but its not exactly subtle. It probably doesn't help that I know the look on your face because it's how I feel too watching Sirius play." He was still smirking but your anxiety was far from eased.

"Oh god, does he know?" You asked scaredly, terrified that the answer would be yes and you would have to stop spending time with him.

"Shockingly, no." You sighed out in relief but Remus continued. "You should tell him though or else he might end up moving on."

"What do you mean? There's nothing for him to move on from. Everyone knows he's in love with Evans and he has made it pretty clear that he is opposed to being anything more than a friendly relationship with me." You choked out, struggling with the words leaving your lips but knowing them to be true.

"I mean he has a minor crush on Evans but it's nothing compared to the annoyingly huge crush he has on you. He's probably just overcompensating for the fact that he's insecure and doesn't want you to reject him."

"Why are you telling me this?" You asked sincerely. You were friends with Remus as you were with the rest of the marauders but it was nothing compared to the friendship they held within their group. You knew Remus was more loyal to James than to you so you couldn't understand why, if it was true, Remus would be telling you at all.

"Because he is trying desperately to move on seeing as he is under the impression that you aren't into him and I'd hate to see him throw something away that could be really good for him." Remus smiled gently and you looked at him gratefully.

"I really appreciate you telling me and all but I just don't think I can believe you. I can't even count how many times he has made a big show of not liking me. I love him too much to ruin what we have and I know that if I confessed and it went bad that I would lose him all together. I would rather have him in my life in a way that hurts than not have him in it at all." You stated sadly and Remus sighed but nodded in understanding.

"I get it but just know that I'm being honest and pretty soon he is going to give up on it. I just want to see you both happy but if its too big of a leap, I understand. That's exactly the excuse he tells the rest of us too."

Suddenly cheers erupted from the stands, cutting your conversation with Remus off as everyone ran to rush the pitch. The snitch had been caught and gryffindor won. You were excited for James but you were also a little terrified to walk onto the pitch to see him with the now conflicted thoughts running through your head. Your thoughts were stopped by the image in front of you which was causing the whole crowd to cheer. James had pulled Lily Evans into a kiss in his excitement and your heart stopped. You felt nausea rise in your throat and Remus caught your eye with a sympathetic look. You didn't look at him for longer than a second and you ran off the pitch with tears streaming down your face. You found your way up to your dorm, pushing yourself to get there quickly before the common room filled with students celebrating their victory. James was always one to love attention so he would be getting crazy after the game which he did just about every time they won.

When you made it to your bed, you hurried under the covers, throwing the shirt you were wearing which belonged to James onto the floor. You felt your heart clench at the despair you felt. You wanted to be upset at Remus for getting your hopes up but you knew he was sincere in his want to help. Still you felt that you would probably not be able to face James in the weeks to come. Maybe, given a little time, you could be around him and not be upset at the world for taking away your chance with him. As you laid in your bed, you stared at the ceiling. You felt tears streaming down your face and you grew angry at yourself. He didn't owe you anything, he wasn't into you. That wasn't his fault and it was so unfair of you to expect anything more from him when your feelings were not his responsibility.

You weren't sure how long you laid there but you could hear the party start and end in the common room. It must have been late. Sleep wouldnt come though, you could just feel your heart continue to break and you were stuck in a loop of self pity. You made the decision that the following days would be spent away from James if you could at all help it. That was probably what he wanted anyway and it was the only way that you would get over the pain you were feeling. At some point your roomates entered your dorm and sleep overtook you for a few restless hours.

When you woke up, the sun was barely on the rise. You hurried up and got dressed and ready. You were planning on getting to breakfast early to avoid running into any of the marauders. You found your plans were not going how you wanted when you entered the great hall to find a head of red hair next to a mop of black. Your throat tightened and you quickly moved to turn and head out of the great hall. You heard a familiar voice call your name but you rushed out before you could give it too much thought. You knew that if you let him try to convince you, you would end up having a very upsetting breakfast with your best friend and his new lover. You would rather avoid breakfast.

Throughout the day, avoiding James was proving to be harder than you had thought it would be. You had many of your classes with him and you even sat next to him in a few. He was insistently trying to get you to open up about why you were suddenly so closed off to him but you remained shut off, reassuring him that nothing was wrong and you were just a little tired from the game the day before. You avoided lunch for the same reason as you had avoided breakfast and you felt yourself starting to get a bit lightheaded. Your afternoon was spent avoiding James but soon he was preoccupied with Lily anyway.

You were hid in a corner of the library when a cough alerted you of someone's presence. You looked up to find the very eyes you hadn't wanted to see.

You pushed it down with a gulp and smiled a bit at him, trying desperately to keep the tears at bay but they were growing harder to hold back after keeping everything pent up all day. It probably didn't help that you were hungry and therefor a bit more emotional. You could feel the tears sitting in your eyes, waiting for something to go wrong so they had an excuse to escape you.

"I don't know what I did wrong." He mumbled while looking at the floor in front of you and you took a deep breath.

"There's nothing wrong James, I promise. It's just been a long day." You smiled and your heart picked up speed.

"Since when did we lie to each other?" He questioned and your heart stopped. You were left unsure how to respond.

"Since the truth would cause more damage than good." You spoke honestly. At this he looked up at you and your eyes met. A tear left you and James immediately moved to comfort you but you tried to move away, standing quickly to evade him. You regretted it as spots filled your vision, the lack of food catching up to you. You know that you turned a bit green for a moment because James looked slightly scared.

"Y/N I dont know whats wrong but you look like you should be getting to the hospital wing. You don't look well."

Before you could answer you felt your vision blacken and your legs give out before your consciousness left you completely.

When you woke up, you knew you were in the hospital wing. It smelled sterile and the bed was stiff underneath you. When you started to wake madam pomfrey came to check on you.

"You can't go around with an empty stomach like that again, do you hear me?" She scolded, though her eyes were soft. You nodded solemnly. "I was alerted that you hadn't been to the great hall to eat all day, you have to know that isn't good for you. I'm gonna have a prefect watch out for you the next couple days to make sure you're eating at meal times. Understood?" She asked again and once more you nodded before leaning back and sighing. You looked at your surroundings and were surprised to see the black haired boy next to your bed fast asleep. Your heart took off again and you felt trapped by your environment. As anxiety swirled around in your chest, James had woken up a bit.

"You're awake." James sighed, laced with relief. You still wouldn't make eye contact with him.  You felt the bed dip as he sat on it and you looked up to watch him put his head in his hands as he leaned over. You felt guilt fill your chest more than it already had from hating that you felt any claim over the man in front of you. You knew you were in the wrong and the last thing you wanted was to cause him any pain. "Remus talked to me." He almost whispered.

At that moment, you wished you could have apparated to anywhere else in the world. You looked back down at your lap and tears were once again brought to your eyes. You felt betrayal that Remus would reveal your feelings to James.

"I'm sorry." You apologized and you fiddled with your fingers.

"Why are you the one apologizing, I'm the one whos behaved poorly." He assures and you shake your head.

"That's not fair to yourself. You're allowed to want to be with whomever you want and my feelings should have no effect on that. You've made it clear for years that you weren't interested in me and it is my fault that I couldn't take a hint. I'm so sorry." You gushed out and tears started to fall from your eyes. You felt James get up from your bed and you prepared him to leave but instead you felt arms wrap around you and a kiss came to your head.

"Y/N I have had feelings for you for years. I was just always too scared for myself to even consider that you might feel the same." He whispered out but you felt only a different kind of pain. Even though he had now admitted his feelings, he was still dating Lily. Not you. Almost as if he could hear your thoughts he spoke quietly. "I broke it off with Evans." You pulled away immediately.

"What? Why would you do that?" You asked quickly and before he had a chance to answer you feared the worst. "Oh god is it because of me? James please dont let my feelings have any bearing on who you want to date, I can't stand the thought of being the reason you broke up. Even if we do have feelings for each other, you deserve a chance with Lily if that's what you want."

"It was mutual, actually. She understood that I had feelings for you and she said she had a crush on someone else. It just seemed like I had kissed her a bit rashly on the quidditch pitch and we agreed that we shouldn't have gotten together in the first place. It was only a day anyway." He reassured as he explained himself and you calmed a bit.

"So what does this mean." You got out, almost inaudibly.

"It means that, if you'll have me, I'd like to take you out on a date." He stated as if it were the simplest thing in the world and you almost couldn't believe your ears. Before you were even thinking you were nodding quickly, causing spots to once again fill your vision and James grabbed your shoulders to stabilize you before you both laughed. He pulled you by your shoulders toward him and he caught your lips in a kiss that somehow expressed all of the years of repressed feelings. When he pulled away he smiled at you and sat back on your bed. He spent the rest of the day with you in the hospital wing talking about all of the places he was going to take you in the coming weeks.

#harry potter imagine #harry potter x reader #hp imagine #hp x reader #the marauders #marauders imagine #marauders x reader #marauders era #james potter #james potter x reader #james potter imagine #james potter fluff #harry potter fluff #james potter angst #hp angst #hp fluff