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#i have like the LEAST amount of confidence in myself that i can actually do it

seospicybin · 9 months

Text

TOO HOT TO HANDLE.

PART I

Felix x reader. (s)

Too Hot To Handle Masterlist

Synopsis: You and Felix become contestants in a reality dating show, Too Hot To Handle. (15,4k words)

Author's note: It's kind of experimental turning this into a fanfic but hope you enjoy it. Part II will be out next week x

Content warning: This is entirely a work of fiction and not affiliated with real Too Hot To Handle show.

YOU: I think physical appearance is not that important. It's all about confidence. [flips hair] I think all women should carry their self with confidence, stand tall, and always strive to be better.

But when you look at me, I'm pretty much a smoke show [laughs] I'd date myself if I could [laughs]

My ideal type is someone with a distinct charm. I'd love to see a tattoo or two on a man and someone who knows how to keep it exciting, cause I get bored easily [blows kisses to the camera]

Desperate times call for desperate measures.

That's why you accept your cousin's offer in exchange for money that would save you from getting kicked out of your apartment and from dropping out of college.

She was in a desperate time too when she reached out to you as one of the contestants decided to drop out of the reality show she worked in as the casting director.

Guess desperate times reached out to each other.

But you, as a nobody with less than a hundred followers on Instagram and you believe half of them are bots, have no experience of being in front of the camera, doubting that you'll do well in it.

Other than that, you think reality shows are just a waste of time, they have no educational value but dumb people down.

But what option do you have? You're broke, jobless, and a week away from being homeless when the offer came.

"What's the reality show about again?" You ask your cousin, Sara.

She rolls her eyes at you, it's probably the umpteenth time you asked her about it again. "It's on the description."

It's on the pile of papers she gave you but you're too lazy to read that many pages written in small fonts with single spaces.

You have to bring it close to your face to read it.

A group of determined singles visit paradise to meet, mingle, and remain celibate for their chance to win $200,000.

"So..." you stop reading after seeing the amount of money you can win from it, "it's basically a dating show."

"Yes," she answers, "but... you will not be allowed to kiss or touch or have sex."

"Oh, thank God!" You let out a long sigh of relief.

Yes, you need the money but knowing that you don't have to do such things for a reality show makes you feel relieved. At least when one of your peers knows, you wouldn't have to be embarrassed about it. You can say you did it for the experience, but spare the part that you did it for quick money.

Another question pops into your head, "But then... how are we going to date each other if we're not allowed to kiss or touch and whatnot?"

Sara smiles at you, "See? That's the catch!"

She gets all excited in a second, "you have to resist each other from going at it," she further explains as her eyes turn a little loopy.

"Oh, so they'll be sex in it?"

She chuckles, "Maybe yes. Maybe not. Who knows?"

That's a vague answer and you still don't get how she would make money from making a reality show but doubtfully giving people what they want.

It's not like you're in it to actually find someone to date. You agree to join because she promised you more money once the shooting is done.

You're going to stay at a gorgeous villa on an island with a few people and try not to be in each other's pants, which is not what you intend to do in the first place.

What's so hard about it anyway?

Wow!

You might have missed the part that you have to be dressed in provocative swimwear and show as much skin as possible in the papers Sara gave you.

However, there's this one motto that always works to make you through the day.

Fake it till you make it and you have no other option but to fake it.

Your hair is styled into loose waves to make it look like you've been spending time at the beach and thankfully, you're allowed to do your own make-up. You put on a simple one, put a little blush on your cheek, and a layer of shiny gloss over your lips.

You changed into a two-piece bikini and look at yourself in the mirror.

Damn, you don't even have to fake it anymore. You look hot and you think that's why they still passed you as a contestant despite knowing that Sara is a relative of yours.

The first segment of the reality show is contestants entering the villa one by one, but in your case, you have to do it with another gorgeous girl.

"I'm Maeve," she introduced herself in a cute Irish accent.

You might or might have not just checked her out from head to toe before shaking her hand back to introduce yourself back.

You're taller than her but that's what makes her cute. She has that pretty dirty blonde hair and a nice smile, exuding a very positive vibe. You like her already.

The staff gives you the cue to start walking into the gravel path that leads to the villa while the cameras take you from every angle possible to capture your best features.

By best features, you mean your breasts and boobs, anything that possibly makes people think that's how a perfect body should be.

You are against female objectification but again, what other choice do you have? Giving up your principles just so you can live another day in this capitalist world.

Cheers welcoming both of you as the other contestants that have made their entrance before you, watching you step into the scene.

You can feel their eyes on you, either in envy or lust or things in between. You introduce yourself around with hugs and kisses, which is not how you usually introduce yourself.

Once they handed you a welcome drink which is a glass of warm champagne from being under the sun too long, it's when you see each one of them better.

Your confidence deflates in an instant because they're all way hotter and sexier than you. They look good in their bikinis and their hair is perfectly tousled like they rolled out of bed looking that gorgeous.

You're not just talking about the female contestants, the male too are incredibly stunning, their abs are on display since they're only wearing swimming trunks, their skins glowing under the sun.

You find yourself fanning your neck just from stealing glances at it.

"Hot, huh?" The other girl asks you, one with a perfect bone structure and full lips.

You lightly chuckle, "Everyone in here is hot," you carefully with what you said, aware that a mic is attached to your body.

"I know right?" She says with a flirty smile.

After a moment, you learn her name is Laura and she's the epitome of a hot girl. She has the perfect hair, perfect body, perfect nails, and even the way her hair parted is perfectly in the middle. Other than that, Laura, like other pretty girls, has it easy in her life, she's a social media influencer with 300k-something followers and said she's here for 'shit and giggles', her words, not yours.

A lot more male contestants enter the villa and everyone refills their champagne flutes as the temperature raises. You can't tell if it's because you're so close to the beach or there's just a lot of heat in here, or it could be that you're panicking inside and try not to show it.

Your cousin Sara is wrong about one thing.

There's not just one catch, they're all a catch and you can't do anything about them.

YOU: I feel like I'm in an ice cream shop and they have all of my favorite flavors. Vanilla, chocolate, salted caramels, cookies, and cream... [bites thumb] I just can't wait to have a scoop of each flavor [chuckles]

After the introduction and draining six bottles of champagne in the process, everyone is allowed to explore the place, get familiar with each other, and mingle.

Well, of course, you have to do your part, be flirty with them but you don't intend to go into that yet. Not when your confidence level is at its lowest that you can't even fake it anymore.

You sit by the lounge chair by the beach, enjoying the view of the beach while trying to ignore all the cameras filming you.

One of the cameramen suddenly got closer to get an angle when you notice that one of the male contestants is coming to the beach and you see no one else there but you.

Suddenly, you feel alarmed, immediately check your appearance, and got you wondering why that is your first reaction. This never happens in real life.

"Hi," he says, sitting on the other lounge chair next to you.

You raise yourself from the longue chair, supporting the back of your head with a cushion.

"Hi," you finally say back, trying to sound calm yet sultry like how Laura speaks.

You notice that he speaks in an accent that you can't quite decipher its origin, "may I know what accent is that?"

"It's French, but I do speak German as well," he says.

"And English," you point out.

He chuckles, "That too!"

"I learn that everyone has an exotic accent while I'm here with the most basic accent," you say and it surprises you how well you're doing at being an obnoxious reality show star.

He smiles, showing his perfectly good teeth, "Nah, I think you're cute."

And surprises yourself again at how receptive you are, smiling at his compliment. You laugh to yourself as you try to remember his name, everyone introduced themselves too quickly earlier and gave you no time to memorize them.

"I'm sorry. What's your name again?"

"Alex," he says, taking another step towards you as if he wasn't standing close enough.

Alex is super tall, super attractive, muscles in all the right places and you have never cared about such things in a man before. Alex has nice brown skin and soft curly hair, he's charming in a way that subtly grows in you.

"Well, Alex, how come you're so tall?" You playfully ask him, holding your champagne flute close to your face.

"I play basketball," he answers.

You click your tongue in awe and at the same time, feel afraid that Alex has raised your standards of men to a whole new level.

YOU: Alex is hot. Isn't that obvious? That French accent ooh... [whistles] and he plays basketball. He's like a tall glass of water and I'm super thirsty.

He's hot, he's tall, he speaks three languages, and he also plays sports. What else can he do? You wonder...

"What about you?" He asks.

You think for a moment, "Well, I only speak English," you answer with giggles.

He leans forward and puts his elbows on his knees, looking at you with an intense stare.

"I can speak cat language too if that counts," you add.

He raises an eyebrow at you, "So you're a cat person, huh?"

"Yes, I am."

"I see..." he says, looking at you with an even more intense stare, "you like to be spoiled, huh?"

You turn to lay on your side to show him the curve of your body and bite your lower lip as you bravely stare back at him, "who doesn't like to be spoiled?"

Alex licks his lip as you catch him glancing at your lips, he thought of kissing you for sure but has no idea what stops him.

"What animal person are you?" You ask as the conversation starts to dry up.

He props a hand under his chin, "Why don't you guess?"

You tap your lips with your index finger to subtly tease him, "A puma?" You wildly guess.

He laughs, "Why?"

"I got the impression that you're wild, can't be tamed," you say whatever it is crossed your head at that moment.

You don't think Alex would care anyway with what you're saying because all he can think about is whether he should kiss you or not.

"Am I right? Or am I not wrong?" You dare him by closing the gap a few inches short.

Yet he remains in his seat and you're getting bored of waiting already. You retreat from keeping this going and sit up on the longue chair.

"I think I have to start getting ready for the party," you excuse yourself.

You're not proud that you're back to being such a bitch who plays with men but gosh, something about this reality show that brings out the bad girl in you.

YOU: Perhaps it's too early for him to get his move on someone. I think he wants to keep his options open and that's what I'm doing as well, I want to get to know a few of them and see if I... uh can have some fun.

The males are already waiting at the beach for the party.

The females are taking longer time to get ready because there is so much to do, hair, make-up and even putting fake acrylic nails.

You have lived as a woman for twenty-three years but only realized now how exhausting it is to be one. Not that you don't like it but people oftentimes don't give women enough credit for it.

"Come here, you sexy!" One of the males says.

Wow. What a way to impress a woman!

Everyone is sitting on the benches set around a bonfire and drinking cocktails with umbrellas in them, sipping and talking, checking each other out in secret or not so secret

A player recognizes another player so there's no use for all contestants to play naive, pretending that they're just here to sit around bonfire and make friends.

Everyone knows that they're here to get wild and becomes famous by doing it on a reality show. Except you thought, you don't want to go that far.

"Icebreaker time!" Says the girl with brunette hair and rosy cheeks. You believe her name is Heidi.

"Each one of us will take turns to stand in the middle with a blindfold on and anyone can do anything to that person. In the end, they have to guess who did it," she explains but more like babbling around the words while seductively chuckling in between words.

You don't get what she's saying but try to learn the game by watching as she takes the first turn to set an example. Heidi is a total babe, it's impossible if no one wants to have a piece of her.

A male comes up to her and has a deep kiss that put everyone to shame. One look and you can tell that it's one hell of a kiss. You sip the drink you've been holding in your hand.

Your heart is drumming the closer it gets to your turn, afraid that someone does things with you but it would be more embarrassing if no one does things with you.

So far, everyone at least has a kiss or a smooch, Laura even lets a guy touch her ample bosoms. You haven't made a move yet and it's kind of a requirement that you show your wild side because that's the idea of the show.

It's Jamie or that's what you remember his name is. He's taking his turn and putting a blindfold on, he looks gorgeous wearing a white shirt and short pants.

Jamie has glowing tan skin and six-pack abs, his hair must have skipped months of a haircut but rocking it all right. He keeps brushing his hair to the back, knowing that it looks better when it's messy.

You take a glance at everyone and none of them seem to make a move on him, impulsively, you get up from the stool and come up to him.

It's when you stand in front of him you have no idea what to do with him or more like, you have tons of ideas of what you want to do but can't choose one.

Everyone else is watching from their seats in anticipation, you shut down your brain from thinking and just go with it. You stand on your tiptoe and kiss him on the neck, covering your lips once you're done to not give him any clue that it's you who kissed him.

You run back to your seat and see what his reaction is once he takes his blindfold off. Next, Jamie has to guess who is it and to avoid looking suspicious, you calmly sip your drink and watch him guess who did it.

After taking too much time observing, he gives up, "I don't know. But whoever it is, I kind of want more," he says.

You try to remain calm and take another sip, looking anywhere but not in his direction.

It's finally your turn, your heart is beating faster and you wonder if the audio guy can hear it too with the mic resting around your neck.

Taking a quiet deep breath, you tie the blindfold over your eyes and around your head. You can only hope for the best now and block every insecurity that tries to reside in your head.

"Ooh..." everyone coos in unison and that only means someone is coming or about to do things to you.

Nervous, you clench and unclench your fists to calm yourself. Then a pair of hands gently cup your face and tilts your head upward.

Not ready for it, this mysterious person kisses your open mouth and proceeds to kiss you more, using his tongue in the most pleasurable way to taste you.

Damn! He's a good kisser and you reflexively respond to his kisses with your hands holding theirs. For a split second, you forget that you're in the middle of shooting a reality show and everyone is going to watch it.

You gasp the second they let go and have you fixing your lipstick because there's no way that phenomenal kiss not smudging it.

"Whoa. Can barely think after that kiss," you shamelessly tell everyone as you act drunk as you walk back to your seat.

Sipping your drink, you secretly assess everyone and try to guess which one of them kissed you. They're all hot anyway, it's not a loss to kiss one of them and you didn't know why you were fussing about it earlier.

Since Laura is taking the last turn and everyone seems to be whipped by her, you can see that all the male contestants anticipated this. You bet they're lining up to get a kiss from her.

It takes only a few seconds for anyone to make a move, the first one to have it is Daniel with half of his body covered in tattoos. He has a lean body and that bad boy attitude, he confidently strides to kiss Laura on the lips, so hard that she gasps in surprise.

You find yourself clapping at two people doing lewd things in front of a group of people. When you think Daniel is the only one succeeding in having a piece of Laura, another one takes his turn.

You almost scoff seeing Alex holds her by the neck and kisses her so deeply. Instant turn off, all those charms he has seems to be wiped off your head in a second.

YOU: Well, now we all know why Alex didn't kiss me [laughs] He likes someone else and that's good, I'll stop chasing him from here [sucks air through teeth] and on to the next one! [Raises hand triumphantly]

Moving on to the next segment, you prepare yourself for your act.

Sara is nice enough to let you know what the show is really about. When you ask everyone else, they believe that they're on a dating show and are here for partying and having fun and such.

Well, until... the cone-shaped talking pops out of its hiding and stops the party and the fun altogether.

"Hi, I'm Lana, and welcome to Too Hot Too Handle!"

Everyone stops talking and turns serious while deep inside you will find pleasure from their pain.

"You have been specially selected because you are all choosing meaningless sex over genuine relationships."

"That's true, though!" One of the males says and the other chuckles along.

"The purpose of this retreat is to help you gain deeper emotional connections in your personal relationships."

Daniel seems to be taking the news badly, "I'm not here for that!" He comments.

"As always, there are conditions to your stay here. You must abstain from sexual practices for the entirety of your stay."

Everyone is groaning in frustration, covering their eyes as if not having sex will make them die.

"No kissing. No heavy petting. And no sex of any kind."

More groans are spilling out of everyone's mouth.

"This also applies to self-gratification."

Wait! You didn't know that you'll not be allowed to touch yourself. Your body and you can't do anything about it.

YOU: The second I saw Lana, I know it's bad. But I didn't know it's that bad. Can't even touch myself? What?

"However, to aid your development, I've increased the prize fund to $200.000."

That one gets everyone hyped and jumping in excitement, including you. Thinking of that much money, you can shrug all your financial problems away.

"Each time the rules are broken, money will be deducted from the prize fund."

But this one gets you down immediately, there's a possibility that no money will be left with all these horny people locked in a villa together.

"Everyone, welcome to the retreat!"

"Ugh!"

YOU: Everyone is pissed off, including me. But you know, something about being told not to do something only makes me want to do it [bites lip]

No, you're not pissed off about it. Sex is something you can easily avoid doing, you just need to keep it in your pants and that's what you're going to do.

You want the prize so much and want to put your focus solely on that.

"How do you feel, babe?" Maeve asks while putting her wavy hair into a messy bun.

You're cleaning up your make-up with her with Heidi in the room, "I'm super bummed!" You lie.

"I'm here to have fun so... I'll continue to do that," Heidi eggs on the conversation.

Maeve nods in agreement, "Right!"

Going to the bedroom, you see the next struggle and that is choosing your bed. A few of them have chosen partners to share the bed with. You don't want to choose yet so you nudge Maeve's elbow, "Want to share a bed?"

She smiles at you, "I thought you'd never ask," she answers.

Everyone else is on the bed and you look around, catching someone staring at you from across your bed. It's Jamie.

"It's you," he points at you.

You raise an eyebrow at him and mouthed, "What?"

He turns his head to the side and shows his neck, "the kiss."

Instead of answering, you slump down the bed and giggle behind the duvet. You bet he can tell from the color of the lipstick mark.

However, from all the males you see, you can't guess yet which one of them kissed you. Alex can't be it, he's sharing the bed with Laura and looking comfortable there.

That leaves Jamie, Daniel, Cole, and Felix. It could be Jamie but...

"Goodnight, babe!" Maeve says as the lights are turned off for the night.

"Night, beautiful!" You greet back and you silently thank her for stopping you to think about boys when you should be thinking about the money.

Eyes on the prize.

The first day and you wake up feeling so disoriented. It's the timezone, the weather, and the blinding sun that greets you the moment you get out of the bedroom.

They provide swimwear in the closet for everyone to wear besides your own clothes. You pick a pair and put on your make-up after with Laura and Alex, not sure if either of them is trying to make you jealous.

It's the first day of the rules applied and you already need to remind yourself of the prize fund.

"Who do you like?" You curiously ask Maeve as you're in the pool together with Jamie.

"I like Felix," She answers without a beat.

It's an obvious answer. If this show has two main characters they would be Laura and Felix. The males go for Laura and the females for Felix. You haven't had time to speak to Felix in person then again, everyone in here is attractive.

"I think he's just so hot and cute," Maeve adds.

Jamie splashes her with water, "you're blushing!"

Maeve giggles and splashes water back at him, "what about you? What is your type?"

You didn't expect she'll turn the table at you and that you're like a rabbit about to get hit by a car.

"Come on, you can say it. Brunette with a British accent, nice smile, nice hair," Jamie playfully says with a grin at you.

Maeve chuckles then comments, "I think you two look cute together!"

YOU: I think Jamie is cute, he's a goofball. We share a vibe and he always smells so good [laughs] I can't say anything yet but yeah, let's see.

There are five males and five females, everyone can pair up and be a couple but things don't work out that way. There are so many things to consider like chemistry and connection, etcetera. However, you believe everyone is just waiting for someone to break the rules to go further.

That seems to be plausible with Lana throwing a party tonight.

"We're matching!" Jamie says.

You chuckle seeing that the only matching thing you have with him is the color of the pants you're wearing.

"You look beautiful," he compliments.

You tease him by jutting your ass at him and looking over your shoulder while batting your eyes at him, "Thank you!"

Doesn't want to be tempted, he turns your body around and puts his arm around you to lounging outside. You bet that he will use the opportunity to tell you about his intention.

You haven't been in relationships for so long that you forget how nerve-wracking it is.

"Cheers!"

"Cheers!" You clink your glass with him before taking a sip.

The sky is so pretty and clear tonight that you can see the stars like pinpricks on the night sky. The breeze is warm and salty, it's not good for your hair, you spent almost an hour straightening your hair and it's ruined in ten minutes.

"So do you have anyone you like?" Jamie asks.

You put your glass away and shake your head, "Nah, not yet."

He stares deeply into your eyes, "well, I like you," he suddenly admits.

"Like it isn't obvious," you jokingly say.

He laughs and licks his lips which makes you glance at his lips, it's round and full, glistening wet. You look away before it gets too creepy.

"You're gorgeous and easygoing and so fun to be around," he starts by complimenting you.

You don't know how he can have that conclusion when you only know each other for one day, you go along with him and nod, "Yeah, I agree."

He shifts on the seat and leans in close, putting his arm on the back of your head, "You're the first that caught my eyes when I came."

It's hard to know if Jamie said that in all honesty or to merely impress you. You saw how Alex jumped from one girl to another in a span of a few hours so you can't just trust his words.

Remember that they're all here for a reason, they're horny and emotionally unavailable. Sadly, that's what your types are for the last few months.

"I was hoping you'd compliment me more," you joke.

He throws his head back as he cracks a laugh, "I think it's your time to compliment me back."

You fold your legs on the sofa and put a cushion on your lap to play with the lint to keep your brain stimulated, to prevent you from zoning out midway.

You look at him as he looks back at you with hopeful eyes, "I think you're absolutely fit, you have a nice smile and are tall enough—"

"Tall enough?" He asks, a little offended.

You chuckle at his reaction, "In the best way. I hate when a guy is too tall," you explain.

"Okay, continue..." he allows.

"And you always smell so good," you lean in to take a whiff of his perfume.

"Good, yeah?"

"Tell me the perfume you're wearing," you playfully ask.

He shakes his head, "Not when there's the chance to make you take a whiff of it from me."

Jamie places his hand on your knee and the gust of wind makes his hair tousled and makes him look double attractive. His light brown eyes pierce right through you with the gaze he locked you in.

"What is there not to like about you?" You conclude.

He props a hand to support his head as he looks down at you, "what do you think about us?"

To be honest, it's too early to say something about this relationship. Not only that you barely know him, you don't have the intention to have a relationship at all.

"There's something there but I don't know, not sure about it yet," you honestly answer.

The hand on your knee moves up to your thigh now. Damn! Jamie is smooth.

"Maybe once I get to know you better, I'd know," you hurriedly add before he gets the wrong idea.

The next thing you know, you get yourself in a pickle as you find him leaning closer to you and his hand that was on your thigh, now resting on your waist.

"Maybe if we kissed, we'd know each other better," his eyes are centered on your lips.

"You want to kiss?" You lower your voice, afraid that there are other people around you.

Jamie leans in closer until his nose meets yours, "So bad," he answers.

Is it why he smells so good? That his perfume isn't just perfume, but it's also pheromones? You hold his chin, unable to choose whether to turn him away or bring him close, finding it hard to resist him.

YOU: Jamie looking so good tonight. He's literally too hot to handle [dramatically rolls eyes]

Jamie leans in closer and an inch away from your lips when you put your hand on his lips, stopping him from kissing you.

"Stop!" You mewl at him.

Jamie looks a little taken aback, thinking that he can seal the deal tonight.

"I want to kiss you," you tell him with your thumb brushes over his lips.

"But..." You cup his jaw and slowly speak to him so your explanation is not lost in the middle, "I don't want us to be the first to rule break."

If you were out there in the wild, you'd be all over each other by now. However, you think about the money, and spending money this early in the show isn't worth it, well, for you. Other than that, being the first to break the rules will only get you so much shit from everyone.

YOU: If we were outside, I would have ripped his clothes already by now [laughs] [facepalm] Lana, you should be proud of me.

Jamie sucks air through his teeth and laughs this off, maybe he feels a little rejected, you bruise his ego. Men are fragile like that.

"It's hard for me too," you sincerely tell him and throw your arms around him, consoling him with a hug.

"I'll just give you another kiss on the neck, okay?" you proceed to do it, placing a soft kiss on his neck right below his ear.

You hear him lowly groan with eyes closed, "That's not... uh, make it better."

He puts a hand around you, keeping you close next to him, "what about sharing a bed?"

You laugh at how relentless he is. Not only it means putting you at a bigger risk to break the rules but also, he's being haste about this.

"I'd like that," you answer, earning a grin from him.

"But not tonight," you hurriedly add.

His hand slides down your head to play with the end of your hair, twirling it around his fingers.

"Why not?"

The player recognizes the player and Jamie is giving you the eyes right now. You look away and snug to his side, "I hump in my sleep and I think you'd like that too much."

He cracks a laugh with his hand drawing you closer to him, "More reason to share a bed!"

YOU: It's too early to share a bed with anyone. I still want to get to know the other and... [shrugs] keep my options open.

The party is far from over but you feel tired from socializing, and worse is, you can't escape them since you're sharing a house with them for the rest of the month.

You decide to excuse yourself, going to the make-up room and powdering your nose, then staying there to sip your drinks in silence.

There are nine other people to get footage from so you don't have to worry about making it interesting for people to watch.

"Hey, I've been looking for you!"

You turn on your seat to see Maeve entering the room, "what's up, babe?"

She drags the chair next to you, then sits on it. She checks her hair in the mirror and brushes the end with her fingers.

"I'm thinking of talking to Felix," she finally answers.

You sip your drink before talking, "And why are you here?"

Maeve laughs at your playful response, she leans back on her seat and sighs, "I don't know I'm so nervous to talk to him," she says.

That should be your question but you know that Maeve doesn't seek an answer from you, she needs some encouragements.

"You're gorgeous and fun, I think he'll like you," you tell her with a gentle squeeze on her shoulder.

She warmly smiles at you and checks herself again in the mirror.

"But if you intend to break the rules, I suggest you apply matte lipstick," you poke fun at her.

"I should do that," she searches for her make-up bag from the cluttering mess on the long vanity table.

After sending Maeve out of the door with another encouragement in a form of a cheeky slap to her butt, you bring your drink with you to the bedroom, feeling so ready to end the day already.

The first thing you see are two bodies going at it on the bed in the corner. You don't know why but you stay there standing in the doorway of the bedroom, watching them kissing on the bed.

After a minute of observation, you're positive it's Heidi and Daniel.

You hear someone coming from behind you, you hurriedly turn around to find Jamie there.

"Get me more drinks?" You immediately ask him, trying to sound natural.

"Sure, yeah, been looking for you," he says, more than eager to take you back to the party.

It's the only right thing to do. He doesn't care about the rules and if he knew that someone has broken the rules, he will be more relentless than he already is.

Thankfully, Lana doesn't announce any rulebreaking behaviors for today, the party ends on a good note and everyone has their happy ending, at least for today.

But for you, you're just happy to finally get on the bed.

As Maeve climbs onto the bed after you, you can't wait but ask her about how the talk went.

"So, how's the talk?"

From the lack of her usual radiance on her face, you can tell that it didn't go well. You regret asking about it.

Maeve scoots closer to you on the bed and leans in, keeping her head turns away from Felix's bed.

"I talked to him and he was nice, said he finds me cute and funny," she keeps her voice low.

"Well, that's great!" You comment, a little louder than you intend to.

Maeve puts on a thin smile, "yeah so I asked him if he has eyes for someone," she says.

"Yeah and?"

"He said he likes someone," she answers.

You playfully bump her shoulder, "and it's you."

"Else," she finishes her words, "he likes someone else."

She rests her head on your shoulder and you put your arm around her, comforting her with gentle squeezes on her shoulder.

"Does this mean you're going to stop trying or...?"

"Not sure," she shortly replies.

"He said you're beautiful and funny, you should focus on that and work your way from there," you comfort her.

Men are not only stupid, they're all short-sighted, and that's why they like everything big. Maybe at first glance, Felix didn't see Maeve clearly and that's why you encourage her to try once again so he can take another good look at her because who knows?

The morning alarm is ringing.

They set a time to let everyone know when to start their day even though a few of us have woken up earlier. The lights are on and greeting each other, barefaced with eyes still sleepy.

Jamie jumps onto your bed and gets between you and Maeve on the bed.

"Good morning, girls!" His voice is muffled by the pillow underneath.

Maeve gently pats his back, "Cuddles only!" She reminds him.

He lifts his head and looks at you, "Not going to lie but I was about to kiss her until you said that," he tells Maeve.

Jamie looks so fine with a bare face and his bedhead looks extra fluffy when it's tousled.

YOU: Good morning! It's a good day, clear sky, nice weather with no chance of sex. [Snorts]

When everyone is called to the cabana, you know that it's judgment time.

You feel calm knowing that you successfully refrained from breaking rules but you know that everyone is not going to be pleased that a few people spent a few thousand dollars last night. Including you.

So far, you only knew about Heidi and Daniel but there's a big chance that other people break the rules too. It's a big place, you can't keep track of everyone.

This secret you've been keeping is getting too hard to bear yourself. The only person you can share it with is Maeve and you're positive that she didn't break any rules, not that you know of.

"I walked in on Heidi and Daniel kissing," you whisper to Maeve.

"My Gosh!" She lowly gasps.

The sound of Lana's cone-shaped head chiming and your heart leaps. You're not ready to lose money, not when you have your credit card bills spilling out of your mailbox as you speak.

"I regret to inform that there are several rule breaks."

Several? So that means there's more than one rule break? You're doomed, everyone is doomed.

"Everyone better be telling the truth right now!" Cole says as the resident's sex cop.

Everyone is looking at each other and a few are looking very suspicious right now. You bet that Laura and Daniel broke the rules from the way they avoid everyone's eyes.

Heidi raises her hand like she's in a classroom, "So..."

And everyone groans, knowing that they are about to hear a piece of bad news.

"Daniel and I, we kissed in the bedroom," she admits.

It's good that Heidi decides to come clean but it's a bit upsetting that Daniel just sits there like he didn't take part in it.

"But that was it. Just one kiss!" She assures everyone.

Welp, that's $3000 down the drain. However, Lana continues to press everyone to confess.

"Let's just get it over with, guys!" Cole adds with gritted teeth.

Can't hold it in yourself for long, you call them out by the names, "Laura? Alex? Have anything to say?" You ask with a piercing gaze.

"We uh... we kissed," Alex may have a buff body and the tallest of the bunch but he's bad at being honest like all men are.

"But it's because we're sure we have a connection. That's why we kissed," Laura is, of course, backing her man and ready to claw people with her super-long acrylic nails.

"I don't care what all of you are saying. We—"

"You kissed for how many times?" Cole cuts her off with the most important question of all.

There's a moment of silence and that means it's bad.

"Twice. On the bed and the beach," Laura answers with no apologetic expression whatsoever.

"That's so selfish!" Maeve exclaims next to you and lets out a big sigh after.

The worst is Lana is still here and asking if anyone wants to own up to their shit. You don't even want to count the most you've lost, it's a lot.

"You've got to be kidding!" Jamie groans from the end of the sofa.

Not only that the truth costs everyone money but serves the juiciest drama needed for TV broadcasts.

"Daniel kissed me," Aly finally confesses.

Everyone's eyes dart at Daniel, he kissed two girls yesterday and put them in a fight after this. Heidi looks furious sitting next to him.

"I'm pretty sure he kissed me first then he kissed Heidi," she adds, her eyes throwing daggers at Daniel.

"This is a mess!" You quietly comment and plant your face in your hands.

"These rule breaks have cost the group a total of $12.000," Lana announces.

You groan into your hand thinking that much money can cover a couple of months of your rent and here these fools spending them to satisfy their wild desire.

YOU: From now on, I'll be thinking of a Chanel handbag every time I get the urge to kiss someone because that's how much it costs.

"There are a total of four rule breaks in the last 24 hours and the fine on any further rule break will be doubled as of this moment," Lana announces another shocking news.

YOU: Great! A kiss equals two Chanel handbags now. [Hand against forehead]

It was one hell of a way to start the day.

Everyone's mood turns sour after that and Cole, being the sex cop he is, doesn't stop preaching to everyone to not break any rules.

What you fear the most with rules has been broken more than once now, it's allowed everyone else to take their turn and that includes Jamie.

It's only about time that he'll start demanding a kiss from you. Don't get fooled, men are just as insecure as women but they mask it well with their huge egos.

You try to avoid him and hang out with Maeve instead, chilling by the pool.

"I heard Irish people are a great drinking buddy," you want to distract yourself from the reality show you're in.

"I wouldn't call myself a 'buddy' but yeah, we're good drinkers," Maeve answers with her playful laughs.

You dip your fingers in the pool water and mindlessly splash it around.

"Come to Ireland and I'll show you a good time," she says.

You snort thinking that with the debt you have, you can't afford to travel out of the country right now but you can't pass on the invitation.

"Okay, I'll just go there with my winning prize," you jokingly say.

"Oh, yeah, totally," she responds with giggles but her eyes are nowhere in your direction.

Following her line of vision, she is watching Felix working out with Alex and Cole at the beach. You take it that she hesitates to make a move on him after knowing that he likes someone else.

"You're going to talk to him again right?"

Considering that the outside world is off-limits, leaving all of you with no choice but to interact with each other. This also means that Maeve will have to get a move on him or try not to be awkward with Felix walking around the house for the next three weeks.

"Who do you think it is?"

"The one he likes?" You guess.

She nods, glints of curiosity filled her eyes, "yeah."

"Certainly not you," you joke and break into laughter.

"Ouch!" She splashes water at you.

YOU: Maeve thinks a lot when she has nothing to worry about. She should just do it.

The house is huge even for ten people living in it but you can't keep avoiding Jamie.

After dressing up to hang out in the firepit, you sit next to Jamie at ease with the presence of other people there. But that doesn't stop him from touching you, putting his hand around you to play with your hair and whatnot.

"We should have kissed yesterday," he suddenly says.

You lowly chuckle, "When it was cheaper?"

The wind keeps blowing your way, sending your hair flying around and making it messy. Jamie attentively puts the stray hair away and tucks them behind your ears.

"Do you still want to break the rules?" You ask out of curiosity.

"If you want to," he answers.

He fixes the collar of his shirt and looks at you, "what about you?"

You crinkle your nose at him, conflicted. On one side, you want to kiss him and see if there's a spark between you and him but on the other side, it costs two Chanel handbags.

You rest your head on his shoulder, "I just don't think we should be selfish by spending money recklessly," you honestly answer.

"Yeah..." he agrees but the sigh he lets out at the end tells you otherwise.

YOU: Jamie sounds a little disappointed that I don't want to break the rules. I mean, don't hate the player, hate the game!

The make-up room is crowded with the girls cleansing their faces and doing their bedtime routine. You decide to take the last turn, lounging on Jamie's bed to make up for not sleeping with him tonight.

"Are you guys going to sleep together tonight?" Aly asks from the bed across the room.

Jamie turns his head with an eyebrow raised at you, asking you the same question.

"Yes, we are," you finally answer.

Jamie can't hide his triumphant smile and it looks adorable on him, you can't help but smile along.

YOU: I don't want to feel pressured to do it but I owe it to Jamie to at least try and see if this relationship is going somewhere.

It's understandable for them to be nosy, it's what the viewers need, a little drama, a little action but what they need are the juicy details.

Before anyone else gets nosy, you start getting ready for bed. Wipes clean your make-up and go to the bathroom to wash up, someone else is showering inside the stall.

It's a normal occurrence. Honestly, everyone else is just so calm about seeing each other's body at this point.

However, the glass wall is blurry so you don't have to worry about seeing someone's naked body inside. You head to the sink and mind your own business.

As you're brushing your teeth, the shower door opens and a hand reaches out for a towel hanging by the handle. In the mirror, you see Felix steps out of the shower and your eyes eventually meet through the reflection and you reflexively smile with a toothbrush tugged between your teeth.

"Hey," he greets.

It surprises you that the deep voice belongs to him, "Hi," you greet back.

He walks toward you and you scoot to the side knowing that he needs to use the sink.

"You don't mind, right?" He asks, taking his toothbrush out of his toiletry bag.

You shake your head, "not at all."

It's hard to not see his body when he stands close next to you. Everyone in here has a nice body but on the first impression, you see him as this thin and dainty guy.

Now, you've seen him up close, he has one of the best bodies in the house, his muscles are perfectly toned and it shows that he diligently worked on his body.

"How's your day?" He casually asks with the towel hanging low around his hips.

"Alright, I guess," you answer.

"You?" You ask back while washing your toothbrush under the running water.

He looks at you and smiles, "just got better, actually," he answers.

Felix is definitely flirting and you immediately fill your mouth with water before stupid things come out of it. You decide to quickly wrap it up before someone else enters the space even though you're doing nothing.

YOU: Felix and I are just talking. There's— [inhales] he's low-key flirting with me and I freaked out, there I said it.

Maeve is already on the bed when you enter the bedroom and so is Jamie with a space prepared on the bed for you.

It would be rude to say nothing to Maeve that you'll not be sleeping with her, so you come to her first.

"I'm sleeping with Jamie," you tell her.

She slyly grins at you, "Should I give you the sex talk?"

"No, thank you, mom!" You grab your pillow and walk to Jamie's bed still laughing.

Jamie's smile grows wider the closer you get to his bed, he opens his arms to welcome you.

"Come here, sweet thing!" He playfully says.

You hit him with your pillow before coming into his hug. As you settle on his bed, Felix walks past your bed and flashes you a smile, a little different from the one he gave you earlier.

You forget that he sleeps on the bed next to Jamie's and you don't know how it suddenly feels awkward to you.

"Be good, you two!" Cole warns with a piercing glare.

"Not going to break any rules. You can have my words," you assure him despite Jamie nuzzling his nose onto your shoulder as you speak.

YOU: At least, that's what I hope. Being in bed with Jamie and try not to break rules will certainly not going to be easy. Ugh!

Once the lights are out, Jamie spoons you from behind with his arms wrapped around you. Not going to lie but it feels nice to be with someone.

"You smell so good," he whispers into your ear.

You don't respond, afraid that it will only encourage him to do more.

"You're so soft," he says again with his hand splayed on your bare stomach.

"Night, Jamie," you put an end to the talk.

That doesn't stop his hand from cuddling you and nuzzling his nose in your neck.

"No goodnight kiss?" He asks.

You take his hand and kiss it as a substitute, earning a low laugh from him.

Jamie kisses you on the neck in return, "Night!"

YOU: It's getting a little hot in here [fanning your neck]

The first thing Cole does when he wakes up is ask everyone an important question.

"Did anyone break any rules last night?"

You shake your head because as much as it's been hard to refrain from touching Jamie, you didn't do anything but cuddle under the cover.

"I can promise you we've been good in here!" Jamie confidently states and puts his arm around you.

Aly as Maeve's new bedmate, points at Laura and Alex's bed, "I definitely heard noises coming from their bed," she snatches on them.

Alex may have a good poker face but you can't say the same with Laura, she's looking guilty but the kind that tells she's not sorry for doing it.

"You may as well spill the truth now," Daniel eggs in.

Laura nonchalantly shrugs as if she's not been acting selfishly when it's only about time that Lana announces how much money we've lost because of them.

YOU: I'm proud that Jamie and I managed to not break any rules last night. I hope that proves that we do have a real connection.

It's too late for you to walk out as Felix sees you coming into the bathroom.

You walk to the sink to grab your toiletry bag you forgot to take with you, "I can't believe our meet cute is in the bathroom," you say.

He laughs hearing your words while struggling to put sunblock on his back.

"Need help?"

He considers it for a moment then nods, "Yes!"

You take the tube of sunblock from him, pressing a big dollop of the cream on your hand and slowly lathering it on his honey skin. His skin is smooth and warm with muscles that make his back the perfect spot to lean on.

"So, you and Jamie, huh?" he suddenly asks, looking at you through the reflection in the mirror.

The question snaps you out of your daze. You're thankful that he can't see your face as you're busy making sure the sunblock is covering his back evenly.

"Yes," you shortly reply.

He hums while subtly nodding his head, "And what do you think?"

You play dumb but it's also because your hands wander to his lats and they're distracting, "of what?"

Felix leans forward with hands resting against the sink, "is it serious?"

You silently gulp air because his question only means that he has an interest in your relationship which also means that he has...

"We're still figuring each other out," you settle with a diplomatic answer for him.

You glide your hands back up to lather the sunblock down his shoulder blades.

"I see," he responds with a smile.

And not just a smile, a smile that tells he got the answer he wants.

You slide your hands down his arms and playfully squeeze his biceps, "there! Done!"

He takes the sunblock back from you and checks himself in the mirror, "thank you."

Felix raises his hands for a high-five with you, "Let's have a great day!"

You smile at him and return the high-five, "Let's do it!"

YOU: Maeve likes Felix and I'm obviously team hoes before bros. Always!

"Blue looks good on you!"

It's another day of Jamie's endeavors to kiss you, starting the conversation by complimenting your bikini. He joined you sunbathing by the pool in the afternoon, sharing a sun lounger.

"Thank you!" You reply with a smile with your eyes squinting under the bright sun.

His hand is squeezing your arm, "you got some muscles here," he says.

"I played volleyball in high school," you share.

Propping a hand under his head, he looks down at you, "I want to see you play volleyball."

You chuckle, "That was years ago. I forgot how to play."

"Must be looking sexy serving ball in tight shorts," he lowers his head into your neck.

You burst out laughing and slip your hand in his soft locks, "that sounds so wrong."

Not only that you're out in the open, it's rather dangerous with how close he is and his lips looking inviting as he plants it on your shoulder.

It's only right that you distract him by giving him a little taste but not too much, enough to make him crave more.

"Do it for me?" You ask with a bottle of sun spray in your head.

"I'd love to," he eagerly says.

Jamie sprays on parts of the body he wants to touch, all over your back as you lay on your stomach and down to your asscheek, excessively kneading on them.

You laugh at how he can't stop himself that you eventually have to turn over so he can continue, spraying your shoulders.

You take off the straps around your neck so he can spray your chest and sneaks his hand on the valley between your breasts.

"Yeah, get in there!" You playfully encourage him.

Jamie grins like a child who got caught taking a cookie out of the cookie jar. He then continues to spray on your abdomen and evenly rub them down your thighs next while glancing into your eyes once in a while.

To say that you don't enjoy teasing him would be a lie.

YOU: Jamie becomes more relentless by the day but am I wrong to not want to rule break? Isn't that the purpose of this retreat?

As the day turns to night, it's only about time until everyone got called to the cabana.

You feel sick listening to the sound of Lana's cone-shaped body chiming, especially with Laura and Alex acting so suspiciously.

Lana is a computer but she sounds not pleased as she greets everyone. Cut to the announcement, she informs that Laura and Alex did break the rules last night.

You glance at Cole who got speechless that he's just looking at Alex in disbelief.

"These rule breaks cost the group $18.000."

YOU: For three kisses? Really? Lana, please, be reasonable with the prices.

"That's not the only rule break they committed," Lana spills more truth.

This is what you fear the most, getting riled by the whole group for breaking the rules. Everyone looks at both Laura and Alex waiting for them to confess.

"I touched his willy under the cover," Laura confesses.

Everyone groans in unison.

You don't know how Laura is okay being so selfish and can keep a straight face, but that's probably why her make-up is super thick.

"This rule break costs the group a further $4.000."

"Why would you do that?" Maeve asks and she rarely gets this mad.

"It's not a big deal!" Laura nonchalantly responds.

"Yeah but not for $4.000!" Heidi snaps at her, as furious as everyone.

"Now the prize fund stands at $166.000."

YOU: I can use that money as a deposit for a house and here we are, spending it on kisses and a hand down a guy's trouser.

The night gets darker not only on the outside but inside the house as well.

Lana sends Laura and Alex to the suite to test if they're building a true connection but everyone is skeptical that they'll pass the test.

You sit on the bed with Jamie resting his head on your lap, brushing his hair to relax you now that you've lost a chunk of money.

"Alex is like the horniest people and Laura is the biggest teaser, it's a recipe for a disaster," Aly comments, lying on her stomach on the bed opposite yours.

"They will rule break once or twice at least," Jamie adds his opinion.

The night ends early but you see that Maeve and Felix haven't returned yet to their respective beds. You hope that things are going well with them.

You nuzzle your head into Jamie's chest and murmur, "We haven't broken any rules," you tell him.

"Yet," Jamie continues your words clasping your hand with his.

You look at him and smile as he looks back at you, "We've been good and I'm proud."

He foolishly smiles and opens his arms to invite you for a hug. You jump right into his embrace and those muscles on his body feel pillowy under you.

Jamie pulls the duvet to cover both of your bodies even though the lights aren't out yet. You squeal as he starts to glide his hands down your sides.

YOU: I appreciate Jamie for being so patient because I know, it was hard for me to not throw myself at him.

"We don't need another rule break tonight!"

Cole pulls the duvet down to reveal that the two of you are just tickling each other under the cover.

At the same time, Felix makes his way to his bed, seeing you straddling Jamie on the bed which sends you to get off of him immediately.

It's unclear why you do that but your eyes go straight to Maeve's bed, it's empty even when the lights are already out.

You nestle your head in Jamie's neck as he lightly touches up and down your arm and kisses your hand once in a while.

You plant a soft kiss on his neck and whisper, "Night."

He kisses you back on the head, "Goodnight!"

YOU: I start to believe that maybe Jamie and I do have a genuine connection [smiles]

Everyone is looking restless from the moment they woke up and looks in shambles once they gathered in the cabana, ready for that time of the day.

After a while, Laura and Alex are returning from the suite. You recognize the glow on Laura's face right away but you could be wrong.

God! You hope you're wrong and they didn't do anything selfish last night.

You're spacing out as Lana comes with her anxiety-inducing ping sounds and all you can think about is how much money Laura and Alex spent last night.

"They're looking suspicious," Aly whispers at you.

Indeed, they are, and looking very guilty as well. Everyone waits in anticipation as Lana takes her time to announce whether they pass the test or blow all the money in one night.

"I must tell the group that Laura and Alex did..."

You hold your breath for the worst outcome.

"Not..."

It's getting harder to breathe now.

"Break any rules!"

Everyone shoots up from their seats and congratulates the couple in turns. You got so far in life that you get to celebrate people for not having sex.

YOU: So they can keep it in their pants! I'm proud!

Lana has another announcement after everyone settled in from the celebration.

"To motivate everyone to grow genuine feelings of connection as opposed to lust, I've prepared gifts for all of you."

You take the box in front of you and open it to reveal a watch inside.

"When I observe two people forming genuine connections, they will be given a green light like this."

Everyone's watch chimes and turns green at the same time.

"While the lights are green, the rules do not apply for a limited amount of time."

Cole claps his hands together to get everyone's attention, "There's no more excuse for anyone to break any more rules!"

YOU: This [shows the watch] motivates me to build a connection with Jamie. Hope we get to be the first to get the green light.

After a very stressful morning that thankfully ends with a happy ending, you can have the room to breathe since the boys are out of the house to do a workshop at the beach.

The girls are hanging out in the bedroom and with the drama going on earlier, you forgot to ask Maeve why she went to bed late last night.

To get a little privacy, even though you can't get any with cameras placed in every crook and nook of the villa, you take her to the make-up room. You sit next to her while fixing your make-up in the mirror.

"Is everything okay?" You ask.

Maeve sits with both feet up on the chair and looks down at her nails, "not okay, honestly," she answers.

You stop looking at the mirror and turn your chair to face her, "why? What happened?"

Maeve hugs her folded legs and looks at you, a sad smile on her face.

"I just don't know what I'm doing here..."

You place your hand on her knee, "hey, don't say that!"

"I'm not making connections with anyone and I tried, but it's not working. I-I don't know why I'm here," she says with a heavy sigh at the end of the sentence.

It seems like things aren't going well between her and Felix, and Maeve is someone with low self-esteem, which makes her somewhat dejected that things didn't go well.

"You don't have to be a couple to make progress, you know," you comfort her and it's true, Cole is proof that he's fine not being in a pair and dedicates himself as an avid protector of the prize money instead.

"I'm not pretty. No one wants to be with me," she breaks into tears and buries her head in her hands.

You get up from the chair to hug her, "First of all, everyone here is pretty and it's not a beauty pageant, okay?" You comfort her while slightly bending down with your arms around her.

"It's not about look. It's about chemistry, attraction, and stuff," you awkwardly explain.

You have no talent in comforting someone but you try your best. After a moment, Maeve lifts her head and looks at you.

"No one is attracted to me," she says with her fingers carefully dabbing the corner of her eyes to avoid ruining her make-up.

You scoff and turn the chair to face her before sitting on it, "you are so beautiful, Maeve," you assure her with both hands holding hers.

Maeve puts down her feet and your clasped hands dropped onto her lap, "I know," she half-heartedly agrees.

"For you, I'll fly to Ireland and come see you, we'll get drunk and have so much fun," you cheer her up with nice thoughts while shaking her hands.

Maeve cracks a laugh and you can see that she starts to get hopeful again. She's a genuinely kind person which is not someone you expect to meet here, you think of her as a friend despite it happening because you both are in a reality show.

A crazy idea crosses your head, "you know what? We can be a couple and win the money," you tell her.

YOU: I'm bad at comforting people and the only thing I know how to comfort someone is through actions [slyly smiles]

She laughs at your wild suggestion that it takes her a while to reply to you, "I'd love that, yeah," she jokingly answers.

An even crazier idea crosses your head, "come here then," you tell her, pulling her close until your heads meet in the middle.

Maeve senses your intention but not doing anything to stop you, instead, she leans in first to kiss you.

You kiss her back as she softly brushes her lips on yours over and over again. She tastes so sweet and warm, she knows how to use her tongue and not overdo it, and overall, one hell of a good kisser.

You pull away first as the reality that someone might walk in on you dawns on you.

"Did we just break the rules?" Maeve asks while wiping her smeared lipstick.

"You'd better have a good poker face!" You warn her.

YOU: Goodness! Maeve is a good kisser and that kiss... I think that was the best $6.000 I ever spent. No regret at all.

The boys are back just in time for another party Lana is throwing tonight.

The theme is Saints and Sinners and there's a box of costumes for everyone to wear. You choose to be an angel with wings even though you've been behaving badly after breaking the rules earlier.

He sits you on his lap even though the sofa is spacy enough for another two persons but you feel safe since Alex and Laura are there, cuddling in the smaller sofa across from yours.

"So, what did you do in the workshop?" You ask Jamie.

He takes a deep breath and his chest heaving along with yours, "we learned how to be more open with our feelings."

You nod along and leer over at him, "And how did it go?"

Jamie rests his chin on your shoulder with a hand resting on your stomach, "Well, I'm never good at it but I think I did alright."

He doesn't sound so convincing but you appreciate the effort.

"You look beautiful, babe!" He compliments you along with a gentle squeeze on your thigh.

You're immune to sweet nothings like this but a compliment is a compliment. You smile and mutter, "Thank you!"

You slip your hand into the opening of his shirt, "I like your shirt," you compliment back with a seductive smile.

He sees your hand slide in further into his shirt, "should have let another button open."

Jamie keeps checking his watch hoping that the light turns green soon.

You doubt that a few compliments can do it and silently laugh at his fruitless effort.

YOU: I'll always be physically attracted to Jamie but I don't know. I can't tell if I doubt myself or him, or us, entirely [clicks tongue]

The time for doom is here.

You exchange nervous glances with Maeve knowing what we've done would damage the numbers on the prize fund. You doubt that it's what Laura felt when she broke the rules because what you're feeling is a sense of guilt but that's solely because you behaved selfishly, not for the kiss.

"Hours after receiving the gifts of my watches, a couple of you decide to break the rules by kissing," Lana announces.

Everyone's eyes land on Alex and Laura since they're the regular rulebreakers. Just know that they'll be surprised once they found out who did it.

"You know the routine. Just spill it!" Cole sounded so done at this point.

You hate to break his trust but you don't feel bad for breaking the rules, not when you have a good intention. Your heart is pounding for how much shit you'll get either from admitting it or don't, you choose the former.

"It was me," you blurt out with a hand raised.

Jamie snaps his head at you, eyes wide filled with confusion because he knows for damn sure you didn't kiss him or vice versa.

"I'm not going to name names who I did it with and why," you quickly add and it's the only right thing to do, you don't want to force Maeve to speak out unless she wanted to.

"I'm sorry," you apologize.

Jamie looks even more confused but his eyes are scanning the guys one by one even though it isn't any of them you kissed.

"I'm sorry, Cole," you apologize to him personally since he's the one who gets sensitive the most about the money.

Maeve raises her hand and decides to admit it as well, "she did it with me."

They let out a collective gasp, laughter, and sneaky eyes going on after. Jamie squeezes your shoulder but not saying anything to you.

"Another $6.000 has gone from the prize fund, leaving the group with $160.000," Lana furtherly informs.

Funny that you didn't about the money at all when you kiss Maeve. Probably because you know that you intend to rebuild Maeve's confidence, so she's not giving up on herself and continues her journey here.

However, when it comes to Jamie, you're still not sure if you want to spend $6.000 on a kiss with him.

The rule break doesn't seem to leave that much impression on everyone.

Maybe because they give you a pass because it's your first time breaking the rule and the night ends in peace or that's what you thought.

You're chatting with Aly in the firepit to avoid the crowded make-up room when suddenly Felix comes behind you. You didn't notice until Aly sends you a signal with her eyes.

"Can I talk to you?" He asks.

Aly gets the hint and decides to leave, "I'll excuse myself then."

You've spent a couple of times alone with him even though they only last for a few minutes, but this time is different, no one is around except for the filming crew lurking in the bushes or somewhere you're not aware of.

The sofa could fit a couple of dozen people but Felix decides to sit next to you.

"Hi," he sweetly greets.

"Hi, how are you?" You ask with a smile.

His legs are spreading wide and he has gaping holes in his jeans, exposing bits of his thighs that you found are surprisingly muscular.

"I'm good," he answers, doing the classic move of putting his arm on the headrest of the sofa, "how about you?"

Your body somehow responds by putting your leg over the other and leaning towards him, "Never been better."

Felix gets quiet but his eyes are deeply looking into your eyes as if he found something fascinating in them. A while later, he clears his throat as he slightly slouched on the sofa, legs spreading wider, sending the holes in his jeans to stretch and expose more of his skin.

"During the workshop, we were taught to open up about our feelings and I–" He pauses to scratch his small nose and continues with an uneasy glance at you, "I know what I want and I want to do it. I know I'll regret it if I don't."

"Okay," you respond while nodding along and at times, getting distracted by the holes in his jeans.

"I know you're with Jamie and I don't mean to break things between the two of you but I feel like... I need you to know that I like you."

Felix talks without a beat and with the intense stare he's giving you, you gulp air feeling nervous but in an exciting kind of way.

"I like you," he says again.

Your heart starts to race because you can feel how much he meant all of his words.

YOU: Oh my God! The hottest man in this retreat likes me?!

"You don't have to do anything about it," he casually says as if he didn't just put you in a predicament since you're with Jamie.

Felix retracts his hand and accidentally or not, brushes his hand on your shoulder. He gives you the faintest of physical contact but enough to send a shiver down your spine.

Still speechless by his sudden confession, but you know you should have said something to him to avoid him getting the wrong idea.

"Thank you for letting me know," you begin.

"You're very welcome!" He excitedly responds with a wide grin.

"But let me know if you want to do anything about it," he adds with a playful grin.

Something about him makes you warm inside, you can feel your cheeks heating, flustered with his eyes never straying away from yours even for a second.

The night is late and the fireplace is laying low, swaying with the gentle breeze coming from the sea, Felix's lips suddenly look so inviting, enticing you like a forbidden apple.

This is dangerous.

"Let's head inside," he says, thankfully being the one putting a brake on the imminent danger.

YOU: This is honestly what I seek with Jamie, that excitement, that sparks and it's a problem that I got it from someone else without any sort of physical contact whatsoever.

"So, Maeve, is she a good kisser?" Jamie asks as he sits with you on the bed.

Maeve sips water from her tumbler before answering, "The best!"

She takes another sip before talking again, "You're in for a treat, Jamie."

He glances at you with an impressed smile, "Too bad that I can't confirm that," he says.

That's his way to dig at you for what you did. You understand that he feels betrayed by what you did, you refuse to kiss him but easily kissed someone behind his back.

You put your hand across his chest and look at him, "Are you mad?"

"Nah," he coyly answers.

You bring your mouth close to his ear, "are you jealous?"

Jamie chuckles as your breath tickles his ear, "A bit, yeah."

You kiss his cheek and deliver your apology with a heartfelt whisper, "I'm sorry, baby."

YOU: I, of course, feel bad for not giving Jamie the heads up about the kiss I did with Maeve. He looks rather upset but I know I deserve it.

It's probably luck that follows you throughout the times you spent in the retreat.

Everyone forgot about your rulebreaking as Daniel decides to get a new bed partner. He used to sleep with Heidi but tonight, he decides to sleep with Aly.

You nudge Jamie who's sleeping with his head nuzzles in your neck to witness the drama happening in the room.

His mouth opens in surprise while you look at Heidi who's slumped down on the bed.

"You okay?" You mouth at her.

"No," she mouths back.

You turn to look at Jamie, "Oh my God!" You lowly gasp.

"I feel bad for Heidi," Jamie whispers.

"Me too," you say back behind the duvet at Jamie.

YOU: Let's say we never know what's going to happen next [shrugs]

The mood the next morning has been set to gloomy with the drama that happened last night.

The good news is there's no sign of anyone breaking any rules and the bad news is that Jamie seems to not moving on from your kiss with Maeve yet.

Jamie is usually chipper whenever he's with you, except for today, he seems distant even though you're working out together by the beach.

"Tighten your glutes," he instructed.

You play dumb since that's the most successful way to win a guy's heart, "tighten my what?"

Jamie chuckles and enthusiastically shows you the parts of your body you need to work on, the back of your thighs and legs. His hands don't skip the chance to rub over the curve of your ass.

"Can you feel it?" He asks as he guides you to do a proper squat by standing right behind you.

You intentionally nudge his crotch with your ass, "oh yeah, I can feel it," you answer with giggles.

By working out, you hope that it would help to release tension between you and Jamie, it worked but in the process, you're getting that tingling down there with his hands constantly touching you.

You collapse onto the yoga mat from doing a plank and groan, "Ugh... I'm so horny."

Jamie laughs as he helps you get up from the mat.

YOU: I realized now that maybe Jamie needs validation, he needs more than just words from me. Maybe I have to do something about it [raises an eyebrow]

Before you can set a plan, Lana calls everyone to the cabana.

Not sure if anyone breaks any rules but you feel sick in the stomach whenever you sit down and face her cone-shaped body.

Cole is getting ready to put his laser eyes on anyone who breaks the rules.

"No one break any rules last night," Lana announces.

Everyone seems to be letting out a sigh of relief and you feel guilty just from thinking about doing a rule break later for Jamie.

"With the couples seeming to form deeper bonds, it's time to establish how committed to each other you really are," Lana states.

Couples? You are positive you and Jamie are included in it.

"By sending some of you on dates..." Lana continues.

YOU: The question is... Who's going on a date? I would love to go on a date with Jamie.

Now everyone starts to hold their breath again with Lana dragging each piece of information just to torture all of you.

"With new arrivals," Lana finally finishes.

This is not a good time for Lana to intervene, not when you plan on taking things further with Jamie. Also, new arrivals mean that they're not adapted to the rules yet, they'll be uncontrollable, horny babies like... well, everyone here a week ago.

"The first arrival is... Mia," Lana announces.

The guys snickered in joy, excited even just from hearing the girl's name.

"I have given her a choice of dating one of the boys currently in couples."

Your mouth hangs open in surprise, you're wrong to underestimate Lana's power and that she owns this game, she's the mastermind.

"She has selected..."

YOU: I hate to think about it but I have an inkling that this Mia girl is going to choose Jamie [leans back on the sofa]

"... Jamie."

The timing is impeccable.

Things are going well between you and Jamie, then Lana, being the girl boss she is, decides to ruin all of that.

You look at Jamie and he looks slightly pleased that he got chosen.

You're spacing out the rest of the time Lana announces another arrival, a boy who chose Laura to be his date.

It's unclear whether you're jealous about him going on another date or you regret holding yourself back from him all these times.

Jamie rubs his hand up and down your arm, briefly kisses your cheek, then says, "You have nothing to worry about."

How come you trust his words when you've witnessed all these bed hoppings and jumping ships happened overnight?

YOU: What Jamie said only makes me even more worried. Lana said it's a test so this Mia girl must be sexy, and speaks three languages or something. You know, like a girl version of Alex.

Maeve is helping you style your hair for tonight.

"How do you feel about Jamie going on a date with someone?" She asks.

You shrug and sigh, sending the powder you're holding flying around your face.

"I just hope she's ugly," you jokingly answer.

"Hate to break the news but I think she's hot and a potential rulebreaker," Maeve decides to pour salt on your wound instead of soothing it.

"It's not that I don't care but I decide not to care," you explain.

You finish your make-up with a setting spray and check yourself again in the mirror, "but you know, deep down, I'm scared, shitless," you admit.

It's getting more nerve-wracking waiting for Jamie to come back from his date. Maeve keeps you occupied with happy thoughts, telling you fun things you can do in Ireland with her.

The other girls low-key comfort you by complimenting your looks. It's a nice gesture except that no one died and you're not in mourning, you just want this to get over with.

Laura is the first one to come back, guiding the new arrival by linking her arm with his.

She introduces Killian around, an Irish man who's just the perfect match for Maeve.

Killian is a great distraction, his accent is attractive and so is his smile. You keep nudging Maeve's elbow to send her hints.

Maeve replies by elbowing your side and you thought she was being playful, then turn your head around to see Jamie has came back from his date.

"Oh shit. She's hot!" Aly exclaims.

You bite your tongue and put your lips together, not wanting to lose your calm easily. There are only two possibilities, Jamie stays with you, or not.

As Jamie pulls you to the make-up room, you know it's time for him to decide.

"How was the date?" You ask with a smile.

"It was nice. We had champagne and fruits and cheeses," he gives you an answer that you don't expect.

You silently gulp air and keep on putting on a smile for him, "Sounds lovely!"

The moment passed in silence is deafening and you need to burst it. You clear your throat and hold the hand on his lap.

"So... are you here to tell me I was right for not worrying you?" You joke.

Jamie awkwardly laughs at your question and that you're right for worrying him. A part of you is in denial that you're not chosen but another part of you decides to shut him out right here, right now.

"I want to tell you that Mia and I... I think we have something going on between us and I want to get to know her more," he slowly explains.

This heart is fickle, you decided not to care but you feel a sting in your chest when he told you that.

"You're saying you chose her?" You ask for confirmation.

Jamie takes your other hand, afraid that you run away before he can explain.

"No, I'm staying with you and openly telling you that at the same time, I want to get to know Mia," he refuses your words when it's exactly what he wants.

Other girls would give him the chance but not with you, if Jamie chose her then he should stay with her. There's no use for you and him to stay together if he wants to get to know someone that isn't you.

"Jamie you can't do that. You either stay with me or be with her, you have to choose!" You insist on him settling on a decision.

YOU: Apparently, Jamie wants to have his cake and eat it too [shakes head]

You get it that Jamie is conflicted because he still likes you but the other girl offers him something that you don't give to him.

"I like you. I still want to be with you," Jamie persists.

His words are not aligned with his action. You shake your head and put his hands away, "it sounds like you're asking me to wait for you while you're getting it on with someone else."

That seems to put the nail in the coffin that he got speechless. The disappointment got to you that you and if you stayed longer, you're afraid you would say something you didn't mean to him.

"You've made your choice, Jamie," you tell him.

YOU: To say that I'm disappointed is an understatement. I'm livid, I'm... I was planning to take things further but yeah... [brushes hair to the back] Mia happens.

Can't believe that you'll be the one serving drama tonight.

You stall in the make-up room, not wanting to get to the bedroom yet. You're drying your hair after a shower and sitting there for a minute, just taking everything in and trying to let it go.

Taking a deep breath, you keep a straight face as you push the door into the bedroom and have no choice but to share a bed with Heidi since Maeve is sharing the bed with Killian.

"You alright, babe?" She quietly asks.

You hold your forehead and slump down on the bed, "it's shitty."

She gently squeezes your elbow, "yeah."

You lay down on the bed and avoid the eyes looking back and forth between you and Jamie. You may decide not to care but seeing him sleeping with another girl right in front of your eyes, hurts.

You cover your eyes with your hand and mumble, "I just want to get this day over with."

YOU: Jamie has decided so he has to live with that decision. Good luck, I guess.

If it weren't for her, Jamie would have stayed with you and you wouldn't be waking up to Heidi lowly snoring next to you.

Mia might have seduced him but it wouldn't happen if Jamie remained faithful so you decide to blame him, not her.

This is probably what Maeve felt that day when she cried, defeated, and dejected.

But Jamie has to try harder if he wants to see you cry.

"How are you feeling, sexy?" Maeve asks as she waddles in the swimming pool.

You sit on the edge with your feet dipped in the sun-warm water, "I don't know, really," you shrug.

She holds onto your leg, clinging to it to stay afloat, "You're better than her, trust me, she's not that attractive if you looked at her long enough."

You know that she's not saying that out of spite, she said all that to make you feel better.

"Saying unkind things about her doesn't make me better, Maeve," you tell her with a glare.

"I'm sorry but it's true," she says with a subtle shrug.

YOU: Jamie and I [sighs] We hugged, we cuddled, we slept in one bed together. I don't want to care but the truth is... I care.

The day drags on and you're more than happy to get to your bed except that you're not ready to see Jamie and Mia cuddling on the bed you used to sleep on.

You're hanging out with Maeve in the make-up room while she's braiding your hair to pass the time.

"We can sleep together. I'll just tell Killian—"

"And risks Heidi stealing him from you?" You cut her off with a joke.

Maeve laughs as she tied the end of your hair with an elastic band and fixes the loose hair on the back of your head.

"Enough about me. How about you and Killian?"

Maeve plops down on the chair next to you and takes a hairbrush from the table, slowly combing the end of her hair.

"We chatted a lot but not sure if we have that connection," she answers.

"But don't worry, we're getting along just fine," she assures you in response to your concerned expression.

"Is it perhaps because you haven't moved on from Felix?"

Asking her that is like walking on eggshells and you're doing it carefully. Mostly because Felix confessed that he likes you that making it seems that way to you.

"Oh come on! I've moved past that," she answers while twirling her hair around her fingers.

You consider telling her about Felix's confession that night but it comes to no use, the retreat has come halfway to finish and you're not sure if Felix still likes you.

It's close to lights out and you step into the bedroom with Maeve.

Heidi is already taking half of the bed with her long legs that you have to scoot close to the edge to lie down.

"Goodnight, everyone!" Aly says to everyone in the room and getting sleepy mumbles in return.

YOU: When I think about it, I'm seeing Lana more than my therapist [uneasy smiles]

This is not how you want to start the day.

You don't want to hear what Jamie and Mia did or how they spent $20.000 last night. He probably has pent-up tension and finally got to release it with her.

"You got the watches, man!" Cole is coming at him.

You sit back and watch it from the end of the sofa on how Jamie is trying to explain himself.

"I know you won't believe me but Mia and I, we have a connection," he explains.

"Why not act right and get rewarded?" Cole is jabbing him with words.

"You won't understand," Jamie says with a defeated sigh.

YOU: Maybe that's why I doubted Jamie. I can see it now, the bright side [smirks]

Nothing says a fresh start than doing yoga with Heidi.

Apparently, she is a licensed instructor and you feel a whole lot better after stretching your body to the limit.

You share the shower with Maeve to cut the time and get ready to dress up.

As you're applying your lipstick, Lana chimes in and makes you jolt in your seat.

Maeve's mouth drops open and she stops curling her hair altogether.

"Hello, ladies!"

"Hi, Lana," you nervously answer and push your chair away from the table.

Then she calls your name and you almost choke on air.

"Y-yes?"

"I'm offering the chance to go on a date with Felix " Lana informs out of the blue.

"Me?" You ask in disbelief.

"Would you like to attend?" Lana asks.

You turn to look at Maeve to remind yourself to be a good friend and a good friend avoid hurting her friend's feelings.

"Shouldn't we make them wait for at least 48 hours for an answer, Lana?" You playfully respond.

Maeve kicks your feet under the table, "what are you doing? Say yes!"

"Then how about you?" You blabber, not expecting that she gives you the blessing to go on a date with her former crush.

"What about me?" She asks in pure confusion.

"Don't you like him?"

Maeve excessively sighs, "I told you I've moved on!"

She kicks your feet again, "Hurry! Say yes!"

You turn to look at Lana in her mixed purple-hued lights and hesitate to say yes. Not only it means you have to start it all over again, but also letting yourself open for another heartbreak.

"Would you like to attend?" Lana asks once again.

YOU: I'm not sure if I'm ready to try and restart [sighs]

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solarmorrigan · 11 months

Text

You know how cats seem to have an innate sense of when you’re about to get up, and they choose that exact moment to sit down on your lap? And no sooner have they made themselves comfortable than you realize that you have to go to the bathroom, or someone calls you over, or the phone starts ringing, and you have to shove the poor cat off your lap?

That’s basically Eddie’s sex life right now.

Well alright, no, not entirely, but – it’s a component that’s certainly starting to become an irritation.

It’s just that Steve has a wonderful lap.

At least, Eddie assumes it’s wonderful. It’s wonderfully inviting, at the very least; it’s wide enough to offer Eddie (who is not quite as generously endowed in the whole… thighs-ass department, he’ll admit) a good seat, and he’s had his hands on the area often enough to know it’s firm but with just the right amount of give to be very comfortable.

But Eddie’s never actually gotten to spend much time on it.

He doesn’t even mean that in a sexual way (although that much is also true). Every time he’s so much as tried to plop himself down on Steve’s lap to do something as innocent as watch a movie, Steve seems to remember something he needs to get up and do within just a few minutes.

For a little while, Eddie had been worried about what that meant. Did Steve not want to spend time with him? Did Steve not want Eddie near him? Did Steve not find him attractive? Did Steve just find him annoying?

But further time spent together has given Eddie more confidence. Clearly Steve enjoys spending time with him—submits to it willingly and often—and does find Eddie annoying but in a way he enjoys. Steve also most definitely finds Eddie attractive (and, in fact, has no trouble at all spending extended time on Eddie’s lap). So at this point, it’s more of a puzzle. A frustration.

It can’t be that Eddie’s too heavy for him; Eddie isn’t a small guy, really, but he isn’t huge, either. He’s seen Steve push and pull bigger people around – hell, he’s seen Steve carry Mike a good ways through the woods and back to the car after the kid had slipped and twisted his ankle when they’d been out walking (an incident which none of them are allowed to speak of ever, for varying reasons of blackmail and dignity), and he’s not too much smaller than Eddie.

Eddie is nothing if not a direct sort of guy, though – if he’s thinking something, he’s going to say it. This is mostly because he has very little brain-to-mouth filter, but he’s learned to make it part of his image. He’s pretty sure it works for him.

All of this to say that one afternoon, as they make out on Steve’s couch, Eddie freshly settled on Steve’s lap, Eddie decides to just… ask.

He waits until he can feel Steve’s hands sliding down around his thighs—not groping, but with the intent to move him—before he pulls back to say anything.

“Hey,” he says—gasps, really, still a little breathless with his attempt to seize the opportunity, “question.”

Steve blinks up at him, startled. “Uh. Shoot.”

“Do you not like it, when I sit on your lap? Because it kinda seems like you find other places to be when I try to make that happen.”

If Steve had been startled before, that’s nothing on how he looks now. He covers it in an instant, but Eddie’s seen it; Steve’s good, he’s very good, but Eddie is literally right in his face.

“What?” Steve pulls back, brows drawn in confusion. “No. Why would I have a problem with you being in my lap?”

Eddie shrugs. “Not a damn clue. That’s why I figured I’d ask. It’s just that whenever I get myself settled here, you suddenly remember you have to get up.”

“I don’t do that,” Steve scoffs, throwing in a good-natured eye roll.

“You kinda do, babe,” Eddie says, keeping it light; this isn’t an argument, nor an accusation – it’s literally just a question, and he doesn’t want to scare Steve off.

“So you’re saying, that every time I have my boyfriend on my lap – a guy I find insanely hot, by the way,” Steve’s hand slide back up Eddie’s thighs, edging towards his ass, and this time he’s groping, “you’re saying I don’t want him there, is that right?”

Eddie’s resolve almost breaks as Steve stares up at him with his ridiculous, pretty eyes (he’s good, he’s very good, Eddie will give him that) and tugs him closer with his ridiculous, strong hands, but he knows Steve is lying. He knows it.

He just doesn’t know why.

And isn’t that interesting? Eddie wouldn’t exactly call Steve an open book, but they know each other pretty well by now; Eddie can usually read Steve, but he has no idea what he’s thinking just at the moment.

So he decides to allow it.

He’ll see where it goes.

“Hm,” Eddie hums, as if he’s thinking. “That does sound a little silly, if you put it like that.”

“Completely silly.” Steve grins up at him, but there’s a thread of very genuine sincerity in what he says next. “Of course I want you here.”

And Eddie’s not sure what to say to that, so he leans back in to kiss Steve again.

And for a while, it’s fine. Great, even. Steve is a very good kisser, after all, and Eddie likes to think he’s no slouch himself, and a good time is being had by all, except before too long Eddie can feel Steve starting to tense up under him.

Once again, Eddie doesn’t mean this in a sexual way.

It’s not the fun, anticipatory kind of tensing, but the ready to run or punch something kind of tensing. The kind of tension that comes from a threat, not from having your boyfriend on your lap.

Eddie waits to see if Steve will do anything, say anything, but he does nothing. His kisses grow more distracted, quicker and shallower, but he doesn’t pull away. He doesn’t push Eddie away.

It’s when Steve starts shaking that Eddie gives up.

“Okay,” Eddie pulls away, shifting himself to the side so he doesn’t have more than an ankle draped over Steve’s legs, “what’s wrong?”

“What do you mean, what’s wrong? You’re the one who pulled away,” Steve snaps.

“Yeah, because it feels like you don’t want me up there,” Eddie shoots back.

Steve rolls his eyes again, irritated this time. “What, you don’t like it if I don’t let you sit on my lap, you don’t like it if I do let you sit on my lap– What the fuck do you want from me?”

“Maybe just the goddamn truth.”

Whatever Eddie expects, it isn’t for Steve to just… stare at him.

He stares at Eddie for a good five seconds in full silence before shaking his head. “No,” he says quietly, “you don’t want that.”

His sudden reticence only sparks Eddie’s irritation. “Don’t tell me what I do or don’t want, Steve. You don’t want to tell me, that’s on you, but don’t decide for me what I don’t want to know.”

“Well what do you think you’re going to hear, Eddie, huh?” Steve barks. “What do you want to hear? You wanna hear how Billy Hargrove sat on me – pinned me down while he beat me unconscious? Or you wanna hear how it felt to be handcuffed to a fucking chair while some Russians– while they– how it felt to be held down and not be able to stop them from doing anything?”

Steve has stood up now, pacing in front of Eddie, and Eddie wishes he could do anything other than fucking stare while his boyfriend has some kind of breakdown that he started.

“Or – or how about how I ruined multiple dates, or hookups, or whatevers when someone tried to sit themselves down on top of me and I damn near shoved them off onto the floor and then had to make up some dumb fucking excuse and run out on them before I had some kind of fucking panic attack? You wanna hear all that?” Steve demands, rounding back on Eddie. “No! You don’t… you don’t want to hear that.”

“Steve… no, I don’t wanna hear all that,” Eddie says, and hurries on when he can see Steve practically crumple in on himself, “I don’t want to hear that all that horrible shit has happened to you, but I need to.”

“Wh– what?”

“You don’t… I mean, you don’t have to give me specifics if you don’t want, but I need to know what might set you off so I don’t accidentally do it, okay?” Eddie says. “It fucking terrifies me that you went through all that, and I know I can’t do anything about it, but I’m at least not going to be one more thing that makes you hurt. I’m gonna make damn sure of that.”

“…Oh.”

It’s clearly not what Steve was expecting to hear, and for a moment he shifts uncertainly in front of Eddie. He wraps his arms around himself before seeming to think better of it and crossing them over his chest instead. Eddie wants nothing more than to draw him close and hold him, but Steve’s not quite ready yet.

“I’m not… I didn’t want to say anything. I don’t want it to be an issue,” Steve finally says.

I don’t want you to treat me differently, he doesn’t say.

“Then we won’t make it an issue.” Eddie shrugs. “You got some kind of trauma associated with sitting on other people, or can you come back over here to me?”

Steve blinks at Eddie, startled, before he gives in to a little huff of laughter, slowly crossing back over to the couch.

“You’re an ass,” he says, all fondness.

“Mm, so I’ve been told,” Eddie says, aiming a smug smile up at Steve as Steve settles himself right over Eddie’s lap. “And yet, here you are.”

“Yeah…” Steve leans in, pressing a quick kiss to the corner of Eddie’s mouth, quirking a little smile as he pulls away. “Here I am.”

#This week on Steve's Got Trauma: whatever this is #steddie #eddie munson #steve harrington #stranger things #this got a bit sappier than intended but here we are I guess #solar wrote #eddiesteve

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bloggingboutburgers · 2 months

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Hey, allo anon with an ace partner here. I wanted to say thank you so much for the well wishes! I figured I would send this in here again, so anyone else who is curious about what this experience looks like from the other side can see it.

My girlfriend came out to me a little over 2 years into our relationship. At the time it surprised me a lot, because she'd never given me any signs that she wasn't enjoying what we were doing. After we talked more I understood that she wasn't repulsed by sex and she didn't hate it, but she didn't really love it either and wanted to stop doing it for a while (so a sex-neutral ace).

Honestly, at the time, I did get anxious about it. Not just because of social conventions, but because I had viewed sex as an important bonding part of our relationship. I don't do well with change, and I was super worried about how a lack of sex would change our dynamic. I also had some insecurities about my own body, and my girlfriend admitting that she didn't see me as sexy was upsetting. But after speaking to my therapist, I realized that I was projecting my own issues on to the relationship. So I spoke with her again, and she reassured me that she wanted to be with me, and that she was confiding these feelings because she trusted me. She likes how I look, she just doesn't have the same sexual impulses I do.

So, I realized this was pretty much like cuddling. I love physical touch a lot, and I want to cuddle for a much longer time than she does. I like it when someone lies on top of me. She doesn't want me on top of her chest during cuddling. She still cuddles with me, but she tells me when she's satisfied, and we stop.

A few months went by, and I noticed that she wasn't spending any less time with me; she was actually spending more. We would still call every evening when we didn't meet up in person, we would still joke around, and she still told me she loved me and did everything she could to show it to me. We also began trying out new stuff together, and playing games and watching stuff more often. We also still had plenty of physical intimacy with things like cuddling and kissing, which made me really happy.

I realized that I didn't feel like anything was missing from the relationship. I just needed her to show and tell me she loved me in the ways she normally did. Sure, I am still attracted to her that way, but it wasn't something that would make or break the relationship.

It's been years since she came out, and at this point, I never expect anything sexual. It happens rarely, and I always check in with her multiple times before and during. We stop at any point she tells me. There are quite a few hard boundaries about what is and isn't off limits, and I always keep them in mind. I would rather satisfy myself forever than make her uncomfortable, and she knows it.

It's been over 5 years and we are still going strong. I am hoping to ask her to marry me in the next few years, because honestly, I can't picture wanting anyone else by my side. She is kind, funny, beautiful, intelligent, and treats me well. I could never ask for anything more from a partner.

Thank you SO MUCH for sharing. I myself definitely lack knowledge of what it feels like from an allo's perspective, so this was very educational for me, but beyond that... You have no idea how much hope this gives me.

From you being aware of how much sex meant to you in the context of your relationship and still being fine without it, to just... Heck, even your therapist for not blaming her for the situation. Therapy is still very much, in my country at least, an area where the absence or lower levels of sexual attraction will be hastily labelled as something wrong physically or mentally, so... Yeah, the amount of relief I felt reading that, you have no idea. And I can only imagine how much your partner appreciates it too.

Honestly I teared up a bit reading this - I sincerely wish you guys all the best and I hope you have a bright future ahead! (Also fun fact, seems you guys have been together as long as my partner and I have, it's nice to be able to relate to that too hehe^^)

#anon #asexual #ace #allosexual #thank you so much for sharing

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justporo · 8 months

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From the Touch of Gentle Fingers

Just a short little drabble of Astarion and Tav sharing a tender, vulnerable moment worrying what the future might hold. Pairing: Astarion / Tav (You) (Genderneutral reader) Rating: General

You were organising the enormous stacks of books all over the floor in the room Astarion wanted to turn into a study. And he kept buying tons of books and scripts. And yeah, he did read them but he didn't care very much about keeping them in order or putting them back where they belonged. Seemingly his neat outter appearance didn't seem to reach past his own fingertips.

In fact in the months of living together in an actual home you had learned a thing or two about him and yourself. For example, you seemed to care much more about order than you'd thought possible while he seemed to have quite the chaotic nature.

But it might not be that but rather that he tried desperately to find out who he was or at least who he wanted to become now that he was free of higher powers. Maybe it was that with the still pretty recently regained freedom he felt a sort of impeding doom having to choose from a seemingly infinite amount of choices of what came next. You thought about that a lot and hoped you could help him and ease his anxiety.

As you were putting away another dusty old tome, you heard a few soft notes from a piano downstairs. You frowned. There was in fact a piano downstairs - the two of you had bought it. But you had been sure it had been a splurge only for decoration. So either Astarion was downstairs playing the piano or you had to deal with a ghost.

The sounds stopped then began again and started a little melody. You slowly got up and silently walked down the stairs. You felt that what was going on was pretty intimate. You stopped in the frame of the door and saw that Astarion was indeed sitting at the piano. His back was to you.

He softly played the keys and was humming to himself while the melody went on. It was hesitantly at some parts but still pretty impressive. The longer he played the more confident he got, the chords coming more quickly.

But then it ended promptly: a note amiss, Astarion angrily slammed his hands on the keys causing a discordant sound. Then he sighed in desperation and threw his head back. He was about to slam the case of the keys shut when you made yourself known: "I didn't know you could play."

Astarion winced and turned around as you walked over to him. "I don't really... It's been over two hundred years since I last played." "Sounded pretty good for that." He snorted and turned to the piano again while you slid down onto the bench next to him. He shuffled a little to make space for you.

You grabbed Astarion's hand that was closest to you and started to massage it. "You know how to do incredible things with these hands, Astarion, I bet you'd quickly take it up again if you wanted to." "Hmm yes, I bet you know exactly what these hands can do", Astarion replied with a smirk and a wink. Then the vampire sighed, his cheeky demeanor gone. You let go of his hand and stretched yours out to reach for the other. He gave it to you and you started massaging it as well.

"It's so frustrating", the vampire said with another sigh and looked at you. "Sometimes I'm reminded of something in the past, something I felt back then was true to myself. And some of these are things I want nothing more than to get rid off and then there's other stuff I would like to get back but it's all tainted." He softly took his hand from you and pressed the heels of his hands to his eyes. "And then... there's stuff I desperately hope will be true for the rest of time." "Like for example?" "That you're here and that I love you, that there's always a path to take and that at the end of the road the clouds will always pass." You grabbed his hands from his eyes so he would look at you. "Well, the first one's a given, isn't it?", you said and leaned in for a kiss Astarion happily provided.

"And as for the rest", you continued, "I guess you can have and be all of the things because they're a part of you but it's up to you how you let them define you - and you can always make something new... something better." Astarion looked at you for a moment of silence. Then he tenderly cupped your cheek and pressed a soft kiss to your lips: "Then I guess I might have already started doing that."

#astarion #astarion x tav #baldurs gate #baldurs gate 3 #baldur's gate 3 #baldur's gate iii #astarion x reader #astarion x mc #baldurs gate astarion #astarion x oc #astarion x you #fanfic #fanfiction #astarion ancunin #bg3 spoilers #angst #fluff #piano playing

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666writingcafe · 14 days

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A Decision

Returning to the manor after spending the day with my parents, I can immediately tell something's not right. There's usually some amount of noise that can be heard from outside, but not this time. Everything's eerily quiet.

I pull out my knife as I slowly walk up to the front door. I'm not about to let someone kill me. Not without putting up a good fight, anyway.

A note is taped to the front door, addressed to me. Glancing around to make sure no one is lurking in the shadows, I carefully take the note off and open it.

Welcome to your preliminary test. There are six stages, and you must pass each one in order to get your next star. Your goal is simple: do not succumb to temptation. On the table right inside the door is a ring that will be used to track your progress. Once you put it on, the first stage of your test will begin. If you do not wish to start this test, please text either Solomon or me, and we will stop things immediately. You will also get the opportunity to end the test after each stage. This is designed to push your limits, so it is completely understandable if you are unable to finish, in which case you will be judged solely on the stages you do complete. Good luck, MC. You're going to need it. -Azzy

Well, at least I don't have to deal with a serial killer.

I stick the note in my pocket and sit down on one of the patio chairs, mulling over my options. If Asmo's involved in this test, then most likely my next star will be the one for chastity. After all, it's the virtue that's opposite to lust. The fact that this has been sprung on me, while annoying, isn't a huge problem. I've done fairly well on pop quizzes before. If this was being administered before Asmo had successfully charmed me, then I'd be more confident in my ability to pass.

But that isn't the case. He's seen my deepest, wildest fantasies, and I have no doubt that he's selected six of them to be used against me. And since they're not limited to just one or two people...

I pull out my D.D.D. and tap on the chat icon. It's one thing to daydream about doing sexy things with these people, but to actually go through with them is something else entirely. I don't know if I'm ready.

But then I remember how dull the last test was. I felt like I was sleepwalking through most of it, because it felt like a huge waste of time. I figured out the "twist" about having to fight Solomon long before it actually happened.

Perhaps not knowing what I'm up against will be better for me in the long run. It'd certainly be more interesting, that's for sure.

Sticking the phone back in my pocket, I take a deep breath before getting up. Worst case scenario, I'm only able to complete the first stage, and that wouldn't be the end of the world.

Stepping inside the manor, I grab the ring off the table before shutting the door behind me.

"Well, here goes nothing," I tell myself, slipping the ring on.

#obey me shall we date #obey me mc #obey me asmo #obey me solomon

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wxlfbites · 2 months

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For at least as long as I’ve been involved in nonhuman communities, there’s always kind of been this emphasis on not just identifying as nonhuman but also being able to accurately label that identity under the massive amounts of terms that exist to describe every variation in personal experience one can have. Hearted identities were seemingly given the “middle child treatment” and experiences like flickers or links or even frequent cameo shifts were often harshly criticized. And while I’m glad to see much of that has changed now, there is still quite a bit of label pushing and a hierarchy of experiences.

Before I distanced myself from the therian community, I was a frantic mess trying to label everything and anything I experienced just to feel some validation among my peers. I lost sight of who I really was deep down because my focus was more on the labels and how to fit them than my actual lived experiences. Now though, I feel so much relief and confidence in my identities that I hardly ever question or doubt myself anymore. Not having a billion words to juggle around stresses you out a lot less, trust me.

All this is not to say I don’t sometimes like to have words to describe my experiences though! Specifically as of late, I’ve been questioning what the squirrel means to me. I sat with the possibility of being squirrelhearted for a bit, but that just doesn’t seem right; squirrels don’t feel anywhere near the same as bears, coyotes and Twilight for me. It occurred to me though that whenever I see squirrels, or objects and art depicting them, I immediately think of my daemon. Her tiny voice in the back of my mind squeaks with excitement at recognizing herself, the same way I do when I see a wolf. “It’s me”, she says, “it’s Philomena”, I say. I get this warm, aching feeling in my stomach like I just have to have the object, that I just have to be with my daemon in the physical.

So I wondered what I could call this feeling, an almost hearted adjacent experience. And I remembered the word I “coined” for such things as this - and many other types of feelings of being drawn to something -: Calling.

Squirrels call to me because of Philomena. I like them because they remind me of my squirrel-girl. I like watching their movements because it helps me visualize Philomena. I feel drawn to squirrels because they make me feel closer to her. They bring her to the front of my mind and briefly give us back some closeness to each other that we’ve lost recently. Without Philomena, squirrels don’t mean much to me. It’s only because she’s a red squirrel do I feel an affinity with them.

Calling definitely feels like a good fit

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tobiasdrake · 5 months

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Rating Rain Code Characters on the Fight Me Bruh Scale

Here we go. We're ranking all of the major characters in Rain Code based on how confident I am that I can beat them in a fight.

Swank Catsonell

I want you all to know that despite what the rumors may suggest, I absolutely did not pay him to take a dive. This was a fight I won fair and square, because I am very principled and masculine.

<.< >.>

Seth Burroughs

For all his bluster, Seth is the least threatening man in Kanai Ward. The only thing threatening about him is his control over the Peacekeepers. He does nothing for himself, even needing one of his men to carry a megaphone around for him.

Seth feels like he'd go down so fast, I'd almost feel bad for him. But then I'd remind myself that he's a fucking fascist and hit him harder.

Yakou Furio

Despite his name, Yakou's not very tough. He gets routinely floored in every fight he's in. He did manage to shank Huesca with the element of incredible surprise, but that was more a product of crafty premeditation than formidable brawling. Even when he jumped his wife's would-be assassin, we next see him beaten to hell so clearly that fight took a turn after she (and we) bailed on it.

His file says he weighs 165 lbs but I have no idea where he puts it because his body type is skeletal. A stiff breeze would knock him over.

Yomi Hellsmile

Yomi reeks of paper tiger to me. As much as he loves throwing his weight around, he's too chickenshit to throw down himself. Even with guns in both hands and people he wanted dead right in front of him, he inexplicably returned the guns to his soldiers and ordered them to shoot everyone instead.

Yomi's fighting style is to run for his life and try to find someone else to fight in his place. But those other people who would fight for him, would already be fighting instead if a fight was happening. By definition, if I'm fighting Yomi, then there's nobody around to stop me from fighting Yomi. If this fight takes place then I win it. There is no version of the fight where Yomi fights and doesn't lose.

Desuhiko Thunderbolt

When he was faking the Master Detectives' deaths, Makoto figured that Desuhiko would barely even make it out of the starting gate. He judged correctly. Desuhiko is not a fighter. He's scared of blood and sticks to undercover intelligence.

His best shot at victory would be to show up to the fight Disguised as someone tougher than him. But it's not super clear whether that would actually help him.

Vivia Twilight

From what little we see of him in action, Vivia's incredibly quick on his feet and holds his own next to Halara. He moves blindingly fast and shitstomps cops with the best of him. But that's when people he cares about are in danger.

If we're just duking it out in the street, there's a strong chance Vivia goes down with the first punch and then mutters something to the effect of, "Oh well, you got me. Guess I'll just lay here now. Maybe the small bruise from your fist will kill me. Wouldn't that be nice?"

I only win this fight if Vivia isn't motivated enough to snap my neck before I know what hit me. But I don't plan to do anything that would motivate him to do that, so this is the most likely scenario when Vivia and I throw down. I'm not proud of it but I'll take the win.

Yuma Kokohead

With a Truth Sword in hand, Yuma is incredibly formidable. He's outfought countless Mystery Phantoms and even outmatched Makoto in a swordfight. However, it's not super clear how transferrable those skills are outside of the Labyrinth setting. Most of the time when Yuma's cornered, he's powerless; However, most of the time when Yuma's cornered, guns are involved, so that's not a fair comparison.

What it amounts to is that Yuma's ability to hold his own in a street brawl is difficult to gauge. That said, his stature is intimidating in and of itself. I'm always leery of fighting someone whose height easily allows for a full-body haymaker to the junk. Short people have no chill.

Kurumi Wendy

Kurumi doesn't get many opportunities for action but given what we know of her, I don't envy my chances. She's had to evade pursuing Peacekeepers in the past, which implies she's pretty scrappy and quick on her feet. She also managed to get in and out of Dohya District while it was under a counter-terrorist lockdown, skirting through Guillaume and Dominic's police state with so little effort that it put Yuma and Fubuki's attempt to do the same to shame.

So even though she never gets to throw a punch in the entire story, she fucking scares me. I start shit, she is going to sucker-punch me in ways I couldn't possibly see coming. There is a feral beast inside of her waiting for an excuse, and I'm not talking about her homunculus biology.

Martina Electro

This woman scares me. She's Yomi's right-hand, which means she does all the physically-intensive things that he doesn't. She's in the field leading from the front and, unlike Seth, we see that she's entirely willing to take matters into her own hands.

I have no basis for saying she could probably fold me in half and feed me my own spine, and has likely done exactly that to people in the past. But I believe it.

Dominic Fulltank

Are you joking? This man is 500 lbs of solid murder.

Let me paint you a word picture. I throw a punch. I break my fist on his rock-hard abs. Then he picks me up and rips me in half with his bare hands.

Guillaume Hall

Are you joking? This girl is 150 lbs sopping wet.

Let me paint you a word picture. I throw a punch. I hit her right in the fucking face because she's not a fighter. Then goddamn Dominic appears out of nowhere, picks me up, and rips me in half with his bare hands. But with extreme prejudice this time; Before, he was just defending himself, but now he's defending his boss.

Makoto Kagutsuchi

If I could define Makoto in one word, it would be cunning. Makoto has no reservations about doing whatever it takes to win, and his ultra-genius intellect is constantly plotting and scheming. He's so physically unimpressive that he looks like he'll collapse with a rough shove, but by the time fists start flying, he's already figured out 11 different ways to kill me.

Even if he might seem to be on the backfoot at the moment, Makoto is always in control of every situation he's in. He chose the place, he chose how we fight, he chose what happens to be on hand to use in the fight, and he chose who wins. He merely let me think that I chose those things.

Fubuki Clockford

We see precious little of what Fubuki's capable of in a fight. But she's no stranger to it. When Yuma first asked her to clear out the coffee shop patrons, her kneejerk go-to was to try violence. He had to talk her into a distraction instead. So she's clearly been in fights before.

Her biggest asset is her ability to save scum, though that has its limitations. It takes a lot out of her every time she turns back time, often leaving her winded and gasping for breath by the second reset. The stamina cost offsets the advantage of temporal prescience, especially in a street brawl.

But that advantage is powerful nonetheless. Do I feel confident that I could take Fubuki in a fight? Sure. Do I feel confident I could take her in five out of five fights? That's much more intimidating. Fubuki only has to win once. She decides which match "counts".

Halara Nightmare

Halara can take Fubuki in five out of five fights. Halara can take anyone in five out of five fights. Consecutively. Simultaneously. However you want to go, you'll regret it fast. We see them in action plenty and it's always the same: Halara Nightmare is violence incarnate.

Some fighters hit like a sledgehammer. Some hit like a truck. Halara hits like hospital anaesthetic; You blink and then wake up seven hours later with your kidney removed and no idea where the time went. They put me down so fast that I spend the rest of the day trying to figure out what even happened. Like a Hangover movie but instead of being drunk I got my ass kicked.

They are, and shall remain, the reigning champion of violence in Kanai Ward.

Real Yuma

I want you all to know that despite what the rumors may suggest, he absolutely did not offer me free ramen in exchange for taking a dive. This was a fight I lost fair and square, because we are both very principled and masculine.

<.< >.>

*slurp*

#master detective archives: rain code #drake plays rain code #fight me bruh #yuma kokohead #halara nightmare #yakou furio #desuhiko thunderbolt #vivia twilight #fubuki clockford #yomi hellsmile #guillaume hall #dominic fulltank #makoto kagutsuchi #seth burroughs #swank catsonell #kurumi wendy #martina electro

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38sr · 5 months

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not sure if this necessary qualifies as an #industryQs but any tips for doing line art that does just look like i’m drawing a coloring sheet if that makes sense? idk something just feels clunky and off about it compared to others art (including yours which is awesome btw)

Oh hmmmmmmm, well honestly my lineart is a result of my handwriting being pure cursive. So, I normally suggest people to practice writing in cursive haha. It might be a weird suggestion, but penmanship classes actually helped me a lot with understanding line depth and control throughout my art journey. If you think about it, writing in cursive is about using one line (or the least amount) to write a whole word. That requires control of pen pressure and when to curve, make short strokes, long strokes, etc. The more you practice that, the more decisive you are with your line making.

For this drawing, I used a thicker, gritty brush and you probably can't tell but I'm using a combination of long and short strokes to help push the pen pressure (or really the line thickness from the brush).

All the red lines are long, singular strokes that have a bit more variation in line thickness unlike the blue lines (mainly the hair) which have the same line thickness. Personally when I see young artists start out, the line weight feels heavy and flat because there's not a lot of confidence in the line making. More strokes doesn't always mean a better line. Knowing when to use a long or short stroke can drastically change the "look" of a line. And the extra cool thing about it is that it can be applied to any pen/brush you use:

In this drawing, I'm using a brush that has no pen pressure whatsoever. The line weight/thickness doesn't change regardless if I'm using a long or short stroke and yet it doesn't feel flat.

But something like this starts combining line with form (human body, fabric, hair, etc.). Which for myself was good way for me to learn how to depict form more decisively (and accurately) since I couldn't rely on line weight to make thicker strokes. So, I would say try practicing writing in cursive to help feel more comfortable with line making. A common practice is writing the English alphabet in one stroke (it's possible trust me haha) or the least amount of strokes possible. Also drawing/writing strictly in ink traditionally can help you think more about what lines you want to make since it's more permanent. At least that's what helped me, so don't feel like to have to do any of this if it doesn't work for you. ^^; I hope that answered your question!

#industryQ #line art #anon #ask #send me anons #send me asks #txt

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peach33melon · 10 months

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PAC - Relationship with your current person?

Before I start, remember that these readings may not be accurate. Do not take it to heart, if it's not for you then it isn't for you!!

PILE 1:

Right off the bat, I think you may need to move on Pile 1. There seems to have been a situation involving lies, manipulation, or even this person not being who you thought they were. Whoever it is in this connection seems to be unfit for a relationship right now. They might not be able to fulfill your needs, emotionally and physically. They could also be insecure, aggressive, or just generally unstable.

The best advice I can offer you right now is that you should probably move on, and focus on making important moves. Your person might even be holding you back from rapid, needed growth. Take time for yourself, self care, hobbies, etc. Work on blooming into who you were meant to be, or want to be.

Maybe one day you'll find each other again, but that seems unlikely if there is not change. You will have probably moved onto bigger, and better things.

PILE 2:

Okay, first of all, I think this person and you could be vastly different. Or at least, one or both of you is different to what the other is used to. Someone in this connection could see the other person as more confident, popular, and attractive.

I get the feeling that someone could have been in an unhealthy relationship in the past. This could've caused a large amount of uncertainty and insecurity to fester. As a result, they could've built a large wall around their heart. Now, due to these sudden romantic feelings it's like their whole world is being torn apart. Every negative preconceived notion that they had about about relationships is quickly crumbling.

You make them feel safe and secure, but also so free and nervous. They might want to build a family. They want the big house, long road trips, and bonding time.

It is all SO DIFFERENT to what they're used to, but they're willing to try. A little reassurance is needed I think.

(Also, some of you could already have children and I think this person would not/does not mind, and would actually like having a family around.) They could also just feel comfortable around your family.

PILE 3:

There's so much going on in this pile, dawg. So, you guys either haven't admitted your feelings for each other yet or you're fighting for the 5th time this week alone.

There seems to be a lack of commitment on one side, and perhaps that's what's causing or could cause a disagreement. You might also be apart, or have a star crossed lovers type beat. It's really giving me, "I wanna make out with you so bad rn, but also I need to work on myself first", tbh. There seems to be so much tension but that's kind of what makes it work. One or both of you seems to have so much on their plate at the current moment which might've led to other conflicts. I feel like this is what's kind of causing this rift.

If I'm being honest, both of you might need to take a step back and get together when you feel ready. Don't think you have to be held down or do the things you're used to just because you're involved with someone romantically. This is also what might be causing them to be flighty as well. They're scared of commitment because they think they have to change who they are. You both seem like very dominant people, and it's scaring them because they feel as if they finally met their match.

There could be a problem where one of you drops everything or makes your partner the main priority in your life. Whoever this is needs to learn to balance everything appropriately and take care of themselves first while also communicating with said partner.

That's it!! Sorry if it didn't resonate :(

Tags: @lalalibrah

#pick a card #pick a pile #tarot reading #PAC #tarot #Spotify

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st33le · 8 months

Note

How do you think Charles would’ve gotten along with Trapper, Henry, and Frank?

SHAKES YOU!!! I have so many opinions on Charles interacting them!

I’ll start with Henry because I have the least amount of headcanons about him and Charles.

I do love Henry a lot but to be honest I just think a dynamic between him and Charles would just be a watered down version of what he already has with BJ and Hawk. Or at the very least, just Charles thinking that Henry is a bit incompetent and neglectful of his duties, but like charles already thinks everyone is pretty incompetent so like?? There’s not a lot there. Though I do think that Charles would appreciate the craftsmanship of the desk lmao. If Henry was CO during the time that charles got there I’m sure that charles would take waaaay longer to warm up to camp. Only because he would see Henry as someone who enables the shenanigans.

Now with Trapper, I actually believe it wouldn’t be too similar to how he treats bj. BJ, to Charles at least, is a decent man, a jokester and annoying especially if he and hawk are up to something, but a kinda of respectable family man when it comes down to it. Oh but trapper! Tapper John is Hawkeye’s perfect mirror and OH what a wall they would drive Charles up. I could go on a 3 hour rant about Trapper and Hawk being the perfect comedic duo on the camp, but this is about Charles. I think Charles would have a hard time merely being in the same room as trapper at times. I think trapper would act way better then Charles to get on his nerves, like act like he knows way more then he does about culture and opera and stuff like that, and that would drive Charles crazy. NOT TO MENTION that they’re both from Boston. Imagine Charles first coming to the 4077th and finding out Trapper was from Boston. Initially I think Charles would try to confide in him only for trap and hawk to pull a prank or something. I know in the early Charles episodes the show likes to laugh at Charles misery but oh well, can’t be helped I suppose. Another note, if they actually interacted in the should I could honestly see myself shipping Charles and trapper for a time. I think their personal dynamic would have been really really fun, trapper being overly flirty and Charles just being like “oh someone help me.” Though I don’t think they would be able to work long term, as trapper imo really likes to be ‘adored’ and taken care of in the relationship, and I don’t see Charles wanting that in someone, and especially cause of their economic difference it would make Charles feel kind of used? Idk. That’s just the Hawkchester part of me going off tho.

Okay okay, now Frank. I think, that this would honestly have been peak comedy for the show. ESPECIALLY if they were the same rank during their screen time together. If Frank was there I think that Charles would have very quickly gotten along with Hawk and BJ, especially if they were doing something to spite Frank. I can definitely see Charles, out of everyone hating Frank the most. I’m sure, it’s been said before, but I think it would be very funny if like Charles have a backhanded insult that frank is just too dumb so he interprets it as a compliment. Only for Hawkeye to add on. I think half of the dynamic between Charles and Frank is just Charles being bewildered by Franks incompetence. But also on a side not I can see him being like a wingman for Margaret like “honey you can do better then that.” Frank would definitely think there was something between Margaret and Charles, and he would get mad over that and ask Hawk and BJ for help only for them to laugh their asses off cause Charles and Margaret are MLM WLW solidarity.

Those are my basic thoughts on them, sorry for taking so long to reply I had to get my thoughts in order.

Also sorry for any spelling mistakes, writing and being coherent is hard lmao.

More asks about mash are always welcome!

#talk post #mash #mash 4077 #hawkeye pierce #charles emerson winchester iii #Trapper John #trapper john mcintyre #Frank burns #henry blake #margaret houlihan #bj hunnicutt #long rant this time woo!#thank you so much for the ask these are really fun #I love talking about mash

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transgenderteensurvivalguide · 4 months

Note

i’ve just recently started to understand that i’m non-binary. my dysphoria varies a lot, and when i’m wearing masculine clothing i’m fine, but when i dress in any way feminine i just become really uncomfortable with my chest? (i’m afab, and definitely NOT flat chested) like it literally depends on whether i’m presenting more femme as to whether i’m uncomfortable with my figure, but yeah. is this, like, odd? i’ve not seen anyone saying they feel like this yet and i don’t really know what it means for me.

Lee says:

Your experience is not odd or unusual! Gender identity and expression are deeply personal and can vary greatly from person to person. Many non-binary people experience fluctuations in their gender dysphoria, which can change depending on how they are presenting or how they feel on a particular day.

The discomfort you feel with your chest when presenting more femininely, while being fine with it in masculine clothing, is a valid experience.

That being said, one thing to consider is whether you're actually comfortable in feminine outfits in the current moment with the body/presentation that you currently have. You might be feeling self-conscious in women's clothes because you just aren't comfortable with wearing those clothes right now because it emphasizes things that you're not comfortable with (Aka reminds you of your chest).

You may want to experiment with different feminine clothing styles that might make you feel more comfortable. Sometimes a different cut, fit, or type of fabric can make a big difference in how the clothes drape on your chest, and it can be possible to wear a feminine outfit which doesn't emphasize your chest. Men's floral shirts with a stiff fabric can look feminine but also provide a good amount of coverage.

If you find out that even with different styles of clothes you still feel uncomfortable with your chest when presenting femininely, you may want to consider binding. We have more information about binding on our Binding FAQ page, so I won't get into the details of that right now, but binding might be a good option to creating the profile you like in the clothes you like.

But I think sometimes we tend to overthink these things. If you're saying "Doing X thing makes me feel bad!" and X thing is optional, and not doing X thing is neutral (or least not-bad for your health), then the solution might be "OK, just don't do X thing!"

So ultimately if you don't feel comfortable with your chest while dressing femininely, then maybe one solution is to not wear feminine clothes and then you don't have chest dysphoria and the problem is solved.

I think some people tend to react defensively to that, and I'm not saying you really Need to stop wearing feminine clothes, but I do think it's something worth considering. Do you really enjoy wearing feminine clothes? Or is it something you think you should like, something you used to like, or something you want to like but don't really like the reality of?

I used to have this confusion myself for a while with some gender expression stuff, but eventually I realized that in general there's a difference between admiring something and thinking a style looks cool and actually feeling comfortable doing that thing/wearing those clothes. I might like the idea of certain things but they don't make me feel comfortable and self-confident because it just feels like it's not me.

I do know that there are some people who had top surgery, for example, and then were super excited to start wearing women's shirts and crop tops and stuff like that because they really liked wearing women's clothes and just didn't like the way their body looked in those clothes, but it can vary.

Personally, when I was pre-op I wasn't super comfortable with how I looked in clothes (or without clothes lol) because I had a lot of body dysphoria. After I had my surgeries I became more comfortable with my body which included being comfortable about how it looks in clothes. But I didn't change my style because I still like the same things (I'm still wearing the same sweatshirt as I wore at 16 on the daily!) I just feel more comfortable in general, so I still tend to only wear men's clothes.

Anyway, circling back to where I started, it's possible that not feeling comfortable about your chest while wearing feminine clothes might be a sign that you're not comfortable with your chest in general, and the only reason you don't mind it in men's clothes is because you notice it less because the clothes aren't made to emphasize it. Journaling or reflecting on your feelings when you dress differently can help you better understand your dysphoria and what triggers it, and that might be a place to start if you're trying to get to the bottom of it. Therapy can also help you untangle your feelings.

I would also say that as things are now, experimenting with different solutions is a good idea. To recap, that includes not wearing clothes that cause chest dysphoria, wearing the clothes but also binding, wearing similar clothes but differently styled (with a zip-up sweatshirt left unzipped to hide your chest, a men's shirt with a stiffer different fabric but a similar pattern/print than the women's shirts you like, etc), or just wearing the same dysphoria-triggering clothes without binding but trying coping strategies to deal with the dysphoria.

These feelings can change and shift over time, so you may feel differently in the future-- maybe you'll grow more comfortable with your chest in time, or maybe you'll start to experience more persistent dysphoria and ultimately undergo surgery, or a myriad of other possibilities. It's okay if your feelings change over the course of your transition and it's perfectly normal!

You only recently started to figure out that you're non-binary and that means you likely haven't fully explored your identity yet. There are still some things about yourself that you may not really know yet-- we can surprise ourselves as we grow into our identities/selves and grow up.

I can't really tell you what your feelings mean for you because only you can figure out who you are and what it all means, but I can tell you that it's okay to feel that way, and that you'll figure it all out eventually.

#Lee says #dysphoria #clothing #chest m

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anzynai · 1 year

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Hey! I’m so happy to see that a tkl writer is into TWST! There are barley any fics and hcs on here and I’m STARVING! If you’re taking requests can you please write some hcs for the dorm leaders? Thanks!

Housewarden Tk Headcanons (Twisted Wonderland)

HELLO!!!! my requests are closed so normally i would have to decline this ask.. but i guess it’s ur lucky day anon because i’m actually obsessed with twst and this is my first request from this fandom so… enjoy! i love all these losers so there’s gonna be a good amount of hcs in this post LOL i’ll count it when i’m finished!! HELP MEEE THERE ARE 63 HEADCANONS. um, you’re welcome i guess this took 4ever!

also it sometimes makes me laugh when i put really serious and cool photos for my headcanons and then it’s just silly little tickling but uh. yes.

Riddle Rosehearts

hello so goldfishie is at least like a 7 on the scale. his worst spots: uhhh his neck (IDK I THINK IT SUITS HIM) and his sides!!

who tickles him the most? let’s see. floyd and trey are tied. but occasionally, if duece and ace see trey tickling riddle, they’ll join in as well.

it’s kinda funny when he’s tickled bc he gets angry (even when he’s enjoying it) so he’ll be like “let go of me this instant” and be disappointed when they actually do. however, he has too much pride to admit he didn’t actually want them to stop.

though he doesn’t always like being tickled. like, floyd has a habit of just tickling people whenever he feels like it no matter the time and place, which sometimes puts riddle into incredibly awkward and embarrassing situations.

he bites his lip to conceal his laughter but it’s like a river cuz the second a giggle slips out and it will, it’s over. he’s dead, he’s dying.

u know those people who want to retaliate so so bad, but they don’t dare think of it because they KNOW that they would receive it back tenfold?? well maybe that’s a little specific so u might not know people like that BUT RIDDLE IS LIKE THAT

but bro just needs more confidence bc the times he has tickled someone, he becomes an absolutely menace. he somehow has some kind of instinct for the best spots.

he can’t really tease all that well unless he’s really in the mood cuz he gets flustered hshghshs

Leona Kingscholar

sometimes this dude is like too lazy for tickles????? so this doesn’t happen too too often (but it does)

I GIVE HIM A 6!!!! his worst spots: hips and ribs (more hips thooo)

ruggie likes to tickle him to get him to wake up basically bc this dude will not get up for ANYTHING and most people don’t tickle him besides ruggie because who would dare??? anyways, once ruggie gets to his hips, he’s gone.

IDKKK I FEEL LIKE HE WOULD GET SOOO EMBARRASSED by tickling like that’s one of the only times u will see his face bright red, though he tries to hide it like he will look anywhere but at u lol

kinda scary if he gets u back tho cuz bro has no shame. all he cares about if that u are thoroughly wrecked. (this fact does not work well in ruggie’s favor, but how else is he supposed to get leona to wake up?)

he is a bit on the tougher side when tickling but never enough to actually hurt you

and somehow he’s a deadly teaser and knows how to hit it where it hurts?? flusters???? IDK sometimes it feels like he can read ur mind and know exactly what will incite the best reactions out of u and uses that to his advantage while he’s tickling u to death

his favorite thing about tickling is honestly getting to see the reactions on his victims face LOLLLL

Azul Ashengrotto

hi azul ashengrotto is my fav ever and that’s irrevelevanf but u should know anyway also he’s an 8 tbh on the ticklishness scale. (if i had my way, it would be 11/10 but i just can’t lie to myself)

his worst spot: HIS TUMMY AND HIS SIDES??? generic, i know. he hates it, because it’s the go-to spot and so right off the bat EVERYONE who ever tickles him knows his worst spot

he lowkey hates this laugh (no he doesn’t, he’s just embarrassed) cuz he snorts and like??? this sly, cunning businessman.. don’t tell me he… snorts when tickled..? wait he’s ticklish? YES HE IS AND YES HE DOES and he is so embarrassed by it

i feel like he probably would write a contract to keep someone from revealing his secret. that would be funny.

floyd and jade know and they’re ALWAYS using it against him. it’s like their main method of annoying him cuz what better way to mess with their boss than tickling?? well, they also use it for cheer up tickles mostly when he’s feeling self-conscious.

bros the type to like.. cover his mouth to try and hide his laugh. he’s not fooling anyone, everyone can hear his concealed laughter. it’s really easy to get his hands to move anyway, because if u get his worst spots, or occasionally armpits, he will be too busy trying to pry ur hands away lol but his face gets pretty red

he’s a sweet ler tbh i feel like he gives gentle tickles and never pushes the lee too far yk? like since i imagine him being really good at reading people, he will be observing their reactions the whole time so he can tell when they’re nearing their limit

that said, he’s a pretty mean teaser. he builds it up so u think it’s not bad at first but somewhere along the lines, he manages to say the most embarrassing things with no shame. “i guess it’s fitting for someone so adorable to be so ticklish.”

he tickles floyd and jade sometimes. sometimes when he’s in a bad mood, he takes it out on them by tickling them. again, never going too far tho.

he’s also the type to like gently and quickly scribble someone on their back or neck.. or poke them in the side as he’s walking by or if he’s trying to get their attention? ofc he only does this with close friends (and jamil bc my azujami heart can’t help it)

ANOTHER AZUJAMI HC BUT TICKLE HUGS AS THEY CUDDLE

Kalim Al-Asim

bros def a 9… 9.5??? SOMEHWEEE ALONG THOSE LINES. anyways, he’s very ticklish.

worst spots: def his chin and his thighs.

ALSO IDK I FEEL LIKE EVERYONE CAN TELL BUT HE DEF LOVES TICKLING. he likes being tickled, he likes to tickle, just he’s like “it’s a fun way to bond with friends”

if only jamil could agree. kalim jumps him and ambushed him with tickles. but it’s fine, because jamil absolutely wrecks him when kalim isn’t behaving or is being lazy. (why are kalim and leona so similar aka don’t wanna do shit sorry that’s mean but am i wrong)

kalim has a really loud laugh but it’s very distinct compared to his regular laugh, which is also very loud. many times, his laugh can be heard throughout the dorm and the students just sigh cuz they know what’s going on.

also i feel like kalim would be the type where after being absolutely destroyed, he’d be breathless and struggling to catch his breath and still be super energetic and all like “wow you got me good!!!”

can i say kalim sneak attacks???? like esp with jamil, but all of his friends always fear the wrath of kalim because they could be doing literally ANYTHING but he just pounces and tickles them whenever they least expect it

while most times he is pretty caring when tickling someone, there are times he gets to wrapped up in it and goes a bit overboard and someone has to stop him. afterwards, he feels super guilty so he will shower u with aftercare, hugging you and apologizing nonstop, offering snacks, you name it.

his tickles tend to be on the rougher side but not enough up hurt. it used to, but after realizing that some people don’t like it like that, he eases up a bit. since i said before that he sees tickling as a bonding activity, he wants to make sure that everyone’s having fun.

Vil Schoenheit

sorry i love vil he is so so pretty UHH BUT I THINK IM GONNA GIVE HIM A 4. idk i just can’t see him as all that ticklish.

unless….. UNLESS U GET HIS RIBS. the shrieks he lets out if u get him there are actually insane

rook is actually the most devious and feared tickle monster in all of NRC (REAL, NOT LYING) and unfortunately, vil is one of the people who suffers the most from his tickly endeavors. and sometimes it’s a bad thing and sometimes it’s a good thing.

first of all, vil isn’t all that embarrassed about being ticklish. now, that doesn’t mean he wants the whole world to know. he’s alright with being tickled or tickling someone as long as it’s in a private space.

he still blushes like a hyena tho (i don’t think that’s an actual simile but for some reason it was the first thing that popped up in my mind so it’s staying) but he will still be like “if you’re going to do it, just get it over with…” meanwhile his heart is pounding

expectantly, i mean who would have ever guessed, vil has the most graceful, beautiful, angelic, harmonic laughter anyone who’s tickled him has had the honor of hearing. it’s like a reward, not to mention the fact that sometimes it can be difficult to find spots that make him laugh. after all, most generic spots like his sides, can only incite a huff maybe?

he is like scarily good at keeping still while being tickled (the other housewardens could never). umm so any “keep your arms up” games that go on, he’s probably going to win LOL

pretty good ler but doesn’t do it too often. really only rook and epel, sometimes he thinks it’s a bit childish (even if he enjoys it)

BUT BUT BUT when he was training epel with etiquette, he would like scribble on epels back to get him to stand straight or yk just things along those lines. and for rook, he just goes crazy. (somehow he still manages to look gorgeous while doing it)

surprisingly gentle tickler, honestly it’s crazy. sometimes it feels like he isn’t even touching u with how light it is, which honestly just makes it worse because he makes u anticipating (i have no idea how to word this) yet still giggling and laughing lol

Idia Shroud

oh shit, this man. he’s so. 10.

he’s so extremely ticklish. like everywhere. except for his feet and neck. yay, the two spots people barely go for when he’s being attacked. like yeah, for the neck maybe a little scratch or scribble here and there but when he’s being wrecked, that’s not where people tend to tickle him.. how lucky.

blushy boy. his hair is red his face is red his ears are red. he wouldn’t even be as flustered if he was.. A LITTLE LESS SENSITIVE??? but when he’s laughing like a hyena (is this where i got the simile for the other one) he can’t help but feel ashamed

he loves it tho like i can tell u idia shroud loves being tickled and while he would never say it, everyone and i mean everyone knows. well, everyone who’s tickled him. i mean, he never tells them to stop. of course, it can’t go on for too long or he will start feeling uncomfortable but just the right amount will have him eating it up EVERY TIME.

bro def squeals tbh while like curling up

who’s that btw? the people who tickle him? let’s see: ortho (ofc, little bro always loves seeing his brother happy) and azul on occasion (when he’s feeling like a sore loser after a game he lost).. well this doesn’t make everyone a lot of people now taht i think about it. BUT MY POINT STILL STANDS

how could someone live being so flustered by tickling. yk those ppl in the community who struggle to say the word tickle? that’s him. idia shroud reads tickle fics!!…. okay maybe not, but he definitely blushes at the word “tickle”

he gets embarrassed tickling people back. unlike vil who rarely does because it’s “undignified”, he doesn’t it too because he’s too embarrassed. he’s never tickled azul (he wants to tho i swear) and he can’t tickle ortho because when programming ortho, he didn’t really have tickling in mind so obviously, he didn’t add anything like that in (he should tho and give ortho have a taste of his own medicine)

i feel like he would be an awkward tickler who slowly turns sadistic the more confident he gets, esp with the teasing. “hehehe, you’re a lot more ticklish than i thought. this is nice.” with a somewhat terrifying grin on his face

Malleus Draconia

i think i’d like to give him a 2 but when lilia is tickling him, it’s a 5? idk he’s not super ticklish and doesn’t get tickled often. also lilia has some kinda power that makes his ticklishness switch.. not really. he doesn’t know how it works either.

LILIA STILL LOVES TICKLING HIM THO and occasionally silver will join in if he’s not sleeping lol and sebek wouldn’t dare (even tho he wants to so so badly)

i think malleus has these super breathy buffs and giggles that are honestly so. just… damn. just wow. idk while they’re not the giggles most people would expect, it’s the kind of laugh that makes u want to keep doing it.

he lets u tickle him (as long as ur not some rando like y’all gotta be friends obv) but he doesn’t mind when lilia decides to tickle him

teases aren’t all that flustering to him either i feel like he would be the type to agree tbh. like lilia says “ur quite the ticklish boy aren’t you” and malleus is like “haha you’re right”

sweet ler, thinks it’s fun. he thinks u think it’s fun too. idk he just wants to have fun and he likes hearing people laugh and seeing them smile, but stops if they’re not enjoying it. also he is a gentle tickler.

honestly i feel like he wants to be in a tickle fight so bad but doesn’t because people are scared of him and that’s silly. idk lilia provides him with a lot of tickles and lilia lets him tickle him too if he’s feeling it, so he’s not all too down about it. he’s occasionally tickled even silver and sebek too (much to their embarrassment)

he doesn’t really tease he just smiles and it’s really cute and it makes u want to let him keep tickling u cuz he looks so happy which is just contagious and yes.

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hexhomos · 5 months

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do you have any advice on creating for a fandom where the target audience is super small? i published my first jv fanwork the other day and although i obviously dont just do it for compliments/attention, im hesitant about continuing to create because it feels discouraging to be the only one interested in what i have to offer if that makes sense. i feel like leaguefic is not in demand at all in comparison to arcane and im not sure how to motivate myself… i love your work, thank you so much

To be perfectly honest, not bullshitting you at all here: I don't think there is a single-person fix for this. I have a share/discussion based brain and i generally thrive when doing most of my work within, at least, a private active community. A lot of times my motivation *for* finishing a complex painting or polishing up 10k+ words of something is that i want to be able to show other people what i see and what i like about certain things. Without that community aspect, i just tend to keep to myself and never evolve past drafts lol

Making art is hard. Especially if you have some sort of affective or emotional attachment to the subject. I think a couple years ago it wasn't so tasking, or at least it didn't feel so lonely, because fandoms tended to be more willing to leave indepth feedback or engage with things they liked on a daily basis -- but the culture of 'fast consumption' 'content mills' and 'neverending generated content' of the present decade has taught a lot of people to undervalue the work that goes into transformative projects.

This is why nowadays we see so many frequent calls reminding people to comment in fic, or actually hit the reblog button on some art they like, or even try to use long tags to express what they feel. The 'neverending content influx' marketing push has rendered broader audiences (and im including myself here, i'm not perfect) more apathetic, and more wiling to silently pass by things without a word, prioritizing the 'consumption' of 'large masses of content' rather than curiosity or engaging with a single thing for large amounts of time.

the TL;DR is that I don't think this is something you can fix on your own. It's an environmental issue. When I write, I'm doing so with the confidence that at least one person is really going to engage with it. (this can be a friend, or another internet person similarly lost in the digital desert, it varies.) The only way to rejuvenate a fandom ecosystem is to remind people to *try to give a tiny piece of their time* back to artists whose work they love, appreciate, or even mildly enjoy. It doesn't have to be HUGE extensive feedback everytime. If something made you chuckle for even a second, just try telling that to the person who made it. If you enjoyed reading something, or were amused by how someone wrote your favorite character, go tell them! right now! Try doing it a little bit of that every day! If everyone who sees this post went out right now to leave a word for a small creative they enjoy, we already would be so much better off. Communities are like orchid gardens; to get the special, unique, blooming flowers, you need a steady hand caring for them. We are all gardeners.

#resources

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solitaryandwandering · 4 months

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15 people, 15 questions

I was tagged by @wen-kexing-apologist (here) and @telomeke (here), always glad to arrive late to a tag game!

1. Are you named after anyone?

I share a middle name with my paternal and maternal grandmothers (and coincidentally with an aunt who married into the family). As for my first name, my dad used to tell everyone that I was named after Meg Ryan, who he had a crush on and my mom really disliked (unrelated to the crush). It's a slightly creepy story and entirely untrue. I believe in reality they just thought the name sounded nice and chose it over the alternative, Kate (thank GOD).

2. When was the last time you cried?

I honestly can't remember the last time I full-on cried. Usually I only really cry when reading, watching shows or films or otherwise engaging with emotions in that way. When I was visiting family in Ohio I was feeling pretty unlike myself and stifled (the majority of the family are Trump supporters or centrists, if that gives you any idea of the kind of stuff being said). Whenever I visit them and the attention turns to me, the only things they tend to focus on are my love of reading (which I can no longer do very often) and disabilities. I am the first to assert that I am not ashamed of being disabled but there's very little agency I feel around this group of people (and though I love my immediate family they weren't always very helpful), made all the worse by the fact that my sight has considerably worsened in the last year, so any and all attention and vicarious grieving was a bit more difficult to swallow this time around. So, the night before we left, I did sit in the bathroom and tear up for a bit. But, no crying! Legitimately, one of my intentions of the new year is to let myself fully feel my emotions so I can more consciously heal from more of my PTSD and be more mindful in my life, which necessitates more tears. Lots to unpack there.

3. Do you have kids?

No, and I'm unsure if I ever want any. Definitely don't ever want to be pregnant. But I do love kids a lot.

4. What sports do you play/have you played?

I consider myself to be naturally pretty athletic, despite it all. When I was growing up I played a wide myriad of sports, like tee-ball, ballet (is that a sport?), track (usually 200m), and volleyball, with lots of swimming, gymnastics, rock-climbing (usually in the context of hiking), basketball, baseball, and football thrown in there. I'm still pretty proud of the fact that I can throw a perfect spiral (though getting my hand around the football is a bitch). I used to do a decent amount of weight-lifting, too. I was asked to play rugby at one point in middle school by my history teacher but had to decline due to the risk to my cochlear implant. But by far my number one sport was soccer; I played 19 seasons before I graduated high school, though it was always on a club level. I was actually pretty good (and very fast), if inconsistent (Usher + ADHD + low confidence + toxic sports environment led to some apathy on my end). My nickname was "bulldog" because I was so effectively aggressive and quick. I usually played as a defender (all positions, but left-winger typically), though I was also a midfielder due to my speed. Pretty sure I played every position at least once. Only scored one goal, and it was not an auspicious moment lmfao. I really loved the sport, even if I was bullied/ostracized by many of the girls. Right now, I don't play sports and am in the worst shape of my life, so a 2024 intention is to slowly get back into exercising as regularly as possible, even if I can only regularly keep up with PT workouts.

5. Do you use sarcasm?

I am almost entirely made up of sarcasm and dark humor. I've had to soften this, though, since a large majority of people in my life are not super receptive to either due to either some neurodiversity or trauma.

6. What’s the first thing you notice about people?

Depends on the environment, haha. If it's crowded, loud and unfamiliar I am usually noticing people's position in relation to me, if they're looking at me, and if they're trying to say something to me. So, a lot of looking at people's mouths. Otherwise, I think I still notice people's proximity, their body language, their eyes and smile/facial expressions. I grock on to people's emotions pretty quickly so I notice their general mood, too.

7. What’s your eye color?

On the brown side of hazel. I actually think they're a pretty color, especially when sunlight hits them. Then they can look golden, with some streaks of green or copper.

8. Scary movies or happy endings?

Weird dichotomy, but ok. I'd say I largely prefer happy endings, especially if they're earned. I'd actually argue that some scary movies do have happy endings, just depends on your definition of "happy." I like horror quite a bit, especially as a genre to discuss and learn about, but my OCD does not enjoy watching them, so I am pretty particular about the ones I see.

9. Any talents?

Yes, I suppose? I think I am good at analysis, critical thinking, listening to others, media literacy/reading comprehension, coming up with creative ideas, and learning new things. I also like trivia, though it's been a long time since I really exercised that talent. I think I'm a pretty good writer, too. Really had to resist sarcasm and self-criticism, there.

10. Where were you born?

In a hospital in Northern Virginia, strangled by my umbilical cord and forcibly pulled from my mother with forceps.

11. What are your hobbies?

Watching BL and scrolling Tumblr, of course. But I also love watching films, in general, and reading media analysis and criticism. I also like reading social critique (that's my sociology degree talking) and lightly keeping up on psychological research in areas I'm interested in (trauma, sexual health, mental illness/health, developmental psychology, etc.) as much as I can. I also listen to a lot of podcasts (mostly fiction) and listen to music. Another intention for the new year is to slowly get back into reading books, however I can. And I also want to write more about BL on here :)

12. Do you have any pets?

Technically no - we have one dog which was passed on to us when my high school Braille teacher died, but she is with my dad, whom my mom is in the process of divorcing. He is holding on to her both as emotional support and collateral. So... I am not sure if I will see her again.

13. How tall are you?

Sort of average, around 5 ft 4 in

14. Favorite subject in school?

English, first and foremost. Followed by history (though my teachers usually were not great), most sciences (even if the mathematical sections caused some grief), and anything artistic or creative, such as a film studies elective I took in high school. In college I liked most of my psychology and sociology classes, thankfully, since those were my majors. Basically anything but math. I could always get behind the theoretical enjoyment of mathematics but (undiagnosed) dyscalculia REALLY made me suffer in those classes.

15. Dream job

If I ever get enough money and stability to do so, I want to go to grad school to become a clinical social worker. Otherwise, my actual "dream job" is to work in some way in media analysis, though I have no idea what that would entail or what it would look like.

Not tagging 15 people, I don't even know that many who would do something like this lol. Do if you want!

#it's me #tag game

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wind-becomes-lightning · 1 year

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Can I please have Gai or Yamato “touch yourself for me”? Also many congrats and i wish you many more followers 🖤

alright @kankuroplease, I made in time for Gai's birthday lets go! Thanks for the request, this was quite... something :D

Might Gai x gn! reader (i tried)

Explicit. 18+. mdni - talk about masturbation and actual masturbation lol

2250 words.

Ao3 link [x]

A drunk dinner talk about masturbation leads to Gai asking you to explore your own body a little more.

Too much alcohol can turn any situation awkward, lower boundaries and start conversations that nobody would usually bring up. Things that you can laugh about the day after and shake your head saying “I can’t believe I mentioned this embarrassing story”, before lying down on the couch with a massive hangover headache. At least this is what happens most of the time, sometimes, unfortunately, loose lips do sink ships.

Last night for example, when a nice round of Jonin sat in a circle around a low table, enjoying the local restaurants all-you-can-drink policy with massive amounts of beers among them, the conversation suddenly moved on to masturbation of all things. You sat besides your boyfriend Gai, who as always was the centre of the party, making the place lively just by his general positive attitude and endless stories. You’ve never been a very confident person, not in your looks or your abilities, but Gai has never been shy of telling you exactly how much he liked you. Being with him sometimes felt like having a warmed up blanket on cold nights. Cosy and homely.

Gai wasn’t bothered by the sudden change of conversation to this very intimate topic. His face was a little red already as he freely told about his first experience touching himself and seeing what reaction it would get out of him. “I learned more about myself by exploring,” he boasted, “Exploring one’s body is part of what one should do in youth. Everybody should do it.”

Going around the table people shared stories now. Their first experience, what they liked the most, Anko used her hands to visualise the size of vibrators she had at home, which seemed to be several. You knew the conversation would eventually lead to you and shame crawled up your neck like a little insect. How could you get out of this situation?

You were still wondering if you could just make a run for it when Gai slinged an arm around your shoulder and knocked his head against yours: “Your turn, dearest, I’ve never heard you talk about it.” He chuckled a little.

Too late now to fake having to run off to the toilet and hope that the conversation had moved on by the time you would be back. Everyone was already staring at you. You bit the inside of your mouth. “Uh- I don’t - don’t really do that…” you murmured.

When you looked up everyone stared at you, even Gai’s mouth was half open. “You don’t do it at all?” Genma asked, a little amused. This was exactly the reaction you had thought they would have and you consider again if running away is a valuable option.

“It’s not like I never do that.” Your fingers grabbed the beer glass in front of you. “There are of course moments when… but I just never really… want to.” Nobody was saying anything for a moment until Gai, seemingly aware of how uncomfortable you felt around this topic, quickly threw in one of his own stories again. It was arguably a pretty funny one, the first time he had gotten full hard in his jumpsuit and then walked back from his mission from wall to wall, so people could only see his backside. Everyone laughed, including you.

And that was that, for now at least. Gai brought you home, you helped him get to bed, as he was a little more drunk than you and fell asleep in his iron, but warm grip and maybe that could have been the end of it all, nothing more than an awkward conversation that most of your friends would not even be able to remember the next morning. At least it would have been if Gai wouldn’t possess perfect memory.

In the morning he rolls over to you and after giving you the usual kiss good morning he buries his nose into your hair, while you press yourself against his still naked chest. Your hopes that the topic from last night have been forgotten are dashed as he says softly: “Can I ask you about something that you said last night?” You don’t even need him to clarify what he is curious about.

“Yes, I don’t want to keep secrets from you,” you say, though you can’t stop feeling insecure anyway. How to explain the very unique unease you have with yourself to someone that is so naturally positive about himself and everything?

“You don’t ever masturbate?” he asks the question you knew he would ask.

You laugh a fake laugh again and touch his arm: “Well you keep me satisfied, so I don’t need to.” It isn’t even really a lie. Since dating him, Gai has never left you wanting for anything romantically or sexually.

He smiles as if he wants to thank you for the compliment. “But before that? Before I entered your life… did you do it then?”

“Uh - n- not really.” You repeat what you said last night. “I just don’t feel like it.” You stop for a moment to rethink how you can explain what you are feeling. “And it is not that I’m not… horny or something.. I just - can’t stop my mind from telling me that I look absolutely awful…”

Without much warning Gai rolls you over on your back, one of his strong arms under your head. “I think you are wonderful ..” he gives you a kiss “... and beautiful” … he kisses you again, “.. .and you are especially sexy if you let yourself go like that.”

You blush and avert your eyes. He is always so direct in a way that you could never be.

“But I understand having doubts about yourself,” Gai continues, “I, too, sometimes think there are things not quite right with me, despite all the youthfulness flowing through me. Still, the most important thing is that I think you would not look awful at all if you’d satisfied your own urges, do you believe me?”

Gai has never said anything in his life that was not the truth, you think, so you nod. “Yes,” you say. Despite how you might feel about yourself, each compliment Gai has made you since you started dating was heartfelt and true. You know he means it, even if you don’t understand why and so this is no exception.

“Amazing!” he exclaims, then he moves close so his nose touches yours, “so touch yourself for me.”

You push your head back into the pillow: “What?”

There is a slight smile on his face as he runs his finger through your hair: “I said: touch yourself for me. I would love to see you do it, so please.”

“Oh, I don’t know…” you begin, but Gai is already kissing you first light and then deeply, his one hand still in your hair. He knows how to keep you going, what you like and so you are a panting mess not five minutes after he has started. You don’t have to touch between your legs to find out how turned on he has already made you.

He kisses you again, now rolling you to the side so he can get rid of your pyjama top and kiss shoulders and chest just enough to have you breathless, before then taking one of your hands that had so far been running over his back and intertwining his fingers with it.

“Will you do me the favour I asked you?” he says with this rough voice that only comes out when he wants to turn you on and it is working which is the worst of all. Your heart flutters against your chest as he leads your hand onto your own belly so leave it there.

You are still unsure. If this were night and he could not watch you so closely, maybe it would not be an issue, but it is daytime, morning, and in this way Gai can see your reaction pretty clearly, maybe a little too clearly. He must have spotted the insecurity in your eyes because he draws back a little: “I’m sorry if I am pushing you too much. Of course you don’t have to if it makes you really uncomfortable.”

The affirmation makes you feel warm and you lean forward to kiss him again. Everything he says and does is always so earnest, in fighting, in friendship, in love, in sex and that is the reason you fell in love with him in the first place. You want to grant him his wish, because you know he means it.

“It is fine,” you say and then stutter a little, “j-just tell me how- I mean I know how just … instruct me.”

A light flashes in his eyes and you take it as acceptance. He leans forward and touches your nose with his again. “Take your pants off, please, dearest.” And you do, nerves suddenly alight with excitement from the order alone. You now can feel the proof that you are as turned on as you suspected previously.

Gai closes one hand around yours again, stroking the fingers softly with his thumb as he leads you between your own legs. “I’m pretty sure you know what you like best,” he whispers to you and lets your hand go. “I would like to know too. So show me.”

He lets your hand go and you take over with shaking fingers. It has been a while since you’ve done that yourself even before Gai and you started dating you hadn’t done it in years. You move slowly at first, lightly tracing over yourself as if you are exploring it for the first time. You are reminded of how Gai said last night that experimentation with your own body is part of youth.

The thought escapes you as Gai leans over to kiss your neck and shoulders again, temporarily distracting you from your own work. Instinctively the hand between your legs keeps on moving, as if it automatically knows what to do. You can’t help but moan a little, which leads Gai to say: “You’re doing wonderfully”, which forces a sigh out of you.

He forces you into another kiss, tongue swirling over yours as you melt right into him, feeling his own arousal pressing against your leg. You can feel the familiar warmth at your core and the desire to go faster and chase that feather light feeling of release. With his mouth on yours and his roaming hands on your body you fully forget being nervous.

As your breath starts escaping you he finally lets you go, and when you open your eyes you can see that Gai is watching you. Suddenly the embarrassment is back and part of you wants to pull your hand away again, but you’ve worked yourself up too far now to worry about how your face might look at this moment.

“You are absolutely beautiful,” Gai says as if he just read your mind. The compliment hits you at your core and you lean forward desperately to have him kiss you again. He does.

You ignore the pain in your hand as you move quicker trying to chase the flames now licking on your insides. Your eyes fly open again and Gai still looks at you, maybe he hasn’t even closed them to kiss you. There is a light in them, a genuine fondness for you mirroring so clearly. His loving look alone almost pushes you over the edge.

“I’m so c..close…” you say and long for his lips again.

Mercifully, he kisses you, but only shortly. “Move to the side, so I can see it clearly,” he instructs and you are not sure you can or want to move now that you are so close to the end, but you can’t disobey him so you roll onto your back and push the blanket off you completely exposing yourself.

As a reward he kisses you again. “You are so gorgeous, “ he whispers against the shell of your ear. “Show me how you enjoy your youth, dearest.”

Your hand works on its own, increasing the pace until your insides feel like they are exploding. Your eyes fall shut as you come, head pressing against Gai’s forehead as he keeps whispering praises to you and finally his lips are on yours again, guiding you with soft force through your orgasm.

You’d never enjoyed masturbating so much before. You can barely believe how intense it feels.

Gai has paper ready for you to clean yourself as your hand comes to a stop and you regain your breathing. You push yourself on your elbows so you can kiss him. “Thank you,” you say and you don’t really mean the paper.

He smiles, the fondness you have seen in his eyes before now all over his face. “I don’t think I’ve ever found you more beautiful than just now,” he says, “Next time I’m out of town and you are in the mood, think of that.”

You want to wrap your arms around his neck and pull him so close that he can’t breathe. It is incredible that such an amazing human being could even exist and that he loves you of all people. Your lips curl as you try to find the words to thank him, but then you notice that there still is quite the tent in his pants.

“Hm,” you humm, leaning over to kiss him again, “how about I get to see you enjoying your youth now?”

Gai laughs his normal, roaring laugh.

#nisi follower celebration #fanfiction things #might guy #maito gai #might guy x reader #eh yeah oops!

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