#i want him to try to play it cool and fail spectacularly

[rayan12sworld]

💙🧡Wish I could forget the taste of your skin and the feel of your hands pinning me down

By:KizuKatana

Summary:

Wei Wuxian would like to think that - if he had known that Lan Wangji would walk out of his life immediately after they hooked up- he wouldn’t have given into his ridiculous attraction for the man. He wished he were better at lying to himself.

Guest-starring Lan Wangji’s canonically poor communication choices after romantic cave encounters

Chapter:10/10

Words:63,215

Status:completed

“I don’t work with major sects. Especially not the Lan.”

~~

He had to see Wei Ying, to make sure he was okay. He hadn’t been allowed to see Wei Ying six years ago, and the man had nearly died. Would have died if Wen Qing hadn't randomly happened to be interviewing at Gusu hospital that same day. It was unacceptable that a sheer coincidence was the only reason Wei Ying was still alive. The company Lan Wangji’s family owned had put Wei Ying at risk, then abandoned him. Someone in his family’s company had made the decision to fire Wei Ying without notice, which violated company policy. Someone in his family’s company had further made the decision to pull medical support over a policy that was clearly not meant to be used in this way. Lan Wangji was going to find this ‘ someone .’ And when he did… Lan Wangji cut himself off at the shocking violent images that flickered through his normally peaceful mind. There was precedent for such punishments. Though much of his ancestor’s history had been burned, enough survived to make it clear that Lan discipline had always been harsh. In the modern context, he knew such measures would be viewed as archaic… even barbaric. But cultivators were given leeway by the authorities and society at large to handle their own business. Lan Wangji felt a primal sort of anger and thirst for vengeance that - for the first time in his life - made him fiercely glad that there would be no boundaries to stay his hand if he found the one responsible for Wei Ying’s treatment.

~~

“You never told me that you and Hanguang-Jun had been romantically involved.” Wei Wuxian choked on his in-drawn breath, which sent him into a coughing fit that lasted almost a minute. “What?!” He wheezed, when he could finally form words again. “Why would you think… it was only… we weren’t romantically involved. Fuck, who says shit like that?” Wen Qing eyed him skeptically. “If you’re trying to play this off cool, you are failing spectacularly. Though that’s nothing new.”

~~

Lan Xichen shot him a sideways glance, and continued to scroll. “Wangji…,” Lan Xichen said after several more pages of scrolling. “Did you have time to do anything other than follow Wei Wuxian around and document his actions?” Lan Wangji felt his ears heat as report after report with his signature flashed across the screen. He had, perhaps, not realized that there were so many reports he had written about Wei Ying. “I was the Compliance officer,” Lan Wangji replied tersely. “Mn,” Lan Xichen said, an unforgivable smirk appearing on his face. “You wrote him up for wearing too few layers on a night hunt after being covered in Yao viscera and changing into civilian attire?” Lan Wangji clenched his jaw. Wei Ying had been wearing only shorts and a tee-shirt. It had been a professional trip. It had been… distracting. “You know that most people don’t flirt by giving citations of minor rule violations to the person they are interested in, right?” Lan Xichen persisted, openly laughing at him, even if it was only with his eyes. “ Ge ,” Lan Wangji said repressively, which only served to amuse Lan Xichen more.

~~

He also really wanted to run his sword through Su She, metaphorically. And also literally. His hand flexed around the cool, smooth hilt of Bichen. He trusted his brother, but Lan Xichen was kind. Su She did not deserve kindness. “Please trust me, Wangji,” Lan Xichen pleaded, as if reading his brother’s thoughts. “Su She must face discipline. According to the sect rules, not civilian laws,” Lan Wangji stated. He would not bend on this.

#wangxian #wangxian recommendations #mdzs #mxtx mdzs #wangxian fanfic #ao3 recs #the untamed #mdzs fanfic rec #gusu lan #yiling laozu #hanguang jun #lwj x wwx #mdzs lwj #lwj #mdzs wwx #wwx #wangxian fic rec

[pretentiouswreckingball]

I need pathetic Regulus so bad you guys, I want him pining after James, writing in his silly little diary how good he looks today, I want him daydreaming about their wedding and drawing hearts at the margins of his notebooks with Regulus Arcturus Potter over and over again

#do you see my vision? I know Regulus can be portrait as this cold distant guy who lets nothing show in his face but I’m #i want regulus being so obvious about his devotion. I want him to salivate at the sigh of James and be after him like a sick puppy #i want him to try to play it cool and fail spectacularly #basically just Regulus having and embarrassing big-ass crush on his brother’s best friend #who in my mind is also Regulus’ in some degree #and then i want James being a bit oblivious about it until one day the light catches Regulus in a certain way and…. that’s all it takes. #he’s doomed. #a lot of rambling tonight so sorry #loops blabbers

[kanekoii]

Guess who's back hehe :3

Can I get some hcs of Kyo, Ren, Ike and maybe Doppi and Kotoka with a partner that kinda sucks at games that arent rhythm games or stuff like that but still wants to try playing smth with them(and fucking sucks)BRO IDK HOW TO EXPLAIN I hope you get what I mean bro (⁠っ⁠˘̩⁠╭⁠╮⁠˘̩⁠)⁠っ

lyra’s notes -> TEEHEE MORE EXCUSES TO WRITE FOR REN THANKS BESTIE

pairings -> kyo kaneko, ren zotto, ike eveland, doppio dropscythe, kotoka torahime x gn! reader

genre -> yet another fluffy scenario

song -> hissatsu no command - soramafuurasaka

warnings -> kyo being a little bitch but that’s why we love him

KYO KANEKO •

he lowkey loves watching you fail at games. more excuses to tease you, and that’s something we all know kyo loves. sometimes he’ll help you figure it out, but it’s often in a very sarcastic and condescending way. he tries to be nice sometimes, he really does. but seeing you struggle and whine and yell in frustration is one of his favorite pastimes. it’s so cute to him anyway, and he’ll help you eventually once you beg enough, but his sarcastic comments won’t stop ever.

when you play rhythm games though, he is in absolute awe at how you go full focus mode and won’t acknowledge him until you finish the song. it’s so cool to him, and he’ll definitely find ways to show off your skill to others.

REN ZOTTO •

he just gently helps you. if you’re playing something like mario party, he’ll help you and make it so you win. that way, you’ll feel more confident in your skills and he thinks that’s adorable! he loves seeing you confident! sure, sometimes he’ll tease you, but he’s overall very nice and sweet about it all.

when you’re in your element with games you’re good at tho…he thinks it’s so so cool and awesome and every other complimentary word out there. he loves it oh so much because it is so cool to see you in your element with things like that.

IKE EVELAND •

personal hc that he is an absolute little bitch about it. he loves you, but he is most definitely going to tease you about it. (sorry lmao i’m writing this during halloween and me and bestie are handing out candy to trick or treaters) boy absolutely loves you to death but teasing you is, much like kyo, one of his favorite pastimes. the writer isn’t absolutely perfect at other games, so he understands when you struggle a bit.

and we know boy LOVES miku, so he’s probably very experienced with rhythm games. he would love to have little competitions with you and see who’s the better gamer. doesn’t matter if you win or lose, he’ll give you a bunch of kisses anyway.

DOPPIO DROPSCYTHE •

oh the gamer. the silly. if you’ve seen how good he is at mariokart, you know where i’m going with this. he’ll make you play mariokart with him to train you. doppi won’t make you do ring-fit tho, he loves you too much to force you to work out with him. during big mariokart collabs, he’ll lag behind with you just to be side by side and coach you gently.

watching you play rhythm games is one of his favorite pastimes. he loves seeing you do something you’re good at and confident with, and he most definitely brags about you on stream and with his friends.

KOTOKA TORAHIME •

girlfaliure. she sucks at gaming. but she has fun when she plays with you, she really does. kotoka absolutely loves gaming with you when she’s not being a girlfaliure on her cooking streams. since you both suck, you’re equal in opportunity to win or lose spectacularly.

she brags about how good you are at your rhythm games on stream constantly, your girlfriend is just so proud to have someone who’s actually good at some games to balance out how bad she is at like all of them. sorry for the kotoka slander i love her

#lyr.fic #ah yes fellow rhythm gamer #nijien x reader #nijisanji en #nijien #nijisanji x reader #kyo kaneko x reader #kyo kaneko #kyo kaneko x you #kyo sohma #ren zotto #ren zotto x you #ren zotto x reader #ike eveland #ike eveland x reader #ike eveland x you #doppio dropscythe x reader #doppio dropscythe my favorite cheftective x you #doppio dropscythe x you #doppio dropscythe #kotoka torahime #kotoka torahime x you #kotoka torahime x reader

[banmitbandit]

Shoutout to a few of my bloodswap Solluxes :) Infodumps about them in the Keep Reading if I formatted Tumblr Correctly. I just couldn't stop myself from writing a bunch about all of them Q~Q

I always wanna draw more of Sollux so more bloodswaps is obviously the way to go about it :)

Burgundy!Sollux - telosAutotelic

Sollux dies pre-SGRUB, and can't bring up the energy to care about anything anymore, let alone his whole red and blue schtick. Shortly after the game begins, he's "gifted" a new robot body by Equius in return for having done some extensive troubleshooting for him in the past. He's horrified to find his new metal husk has all the features wrong- the horns are wrong, the teeth are wrong, fuck, even the stupid red and blue are wrong, and he hates it so much - he had no idea he could even feel hate anymore - he only uses it when it's more efficient to be a robot than a ghost. He quite literally doesn't have the time to fuck around these days. Equius is miffed his psychological warfare to get Sollux pitch with him fails so spectacularly.

Mutant!Sollux - tacticsAllogeneics

Sollux tells everyone he has red blood, but no one believes him because that's totally not a thing. This is all according to keikaku (Keikaku means plan). Despite this, everyone seems to think he's a pretty cool dude, and so when SGRUB comes around, everyone kind of just looks to him to lead. His only experience with leading is strategy games and a few FLARP sessions. He's absolutely miserable. He ends up learning just how fucked up his friends are in the thinkpans, and it falls on him to have to try and haul their asses into being useful. It causes some ire with his friends who come to the conclusion he sees them as chess pieces rather than people, but really he just wants to get through this game without people kicking the metaphorical bucket. He's forced to play the healer in video games.

Purple!Sollux - tamedAnimus

Sollux is the descendant of one of the most notorious purplebloods of all time, who had the art of subjuggulating down to a science, and he wants nothing to do with his legacy or the church, only maintaining a few rituals out of routine habit. He's found a good couple of heretics who are pretty chill, and as loathe as he is to admit it, he wants to see them thrive. He makes a conscious effort to keep his violent highblooded tendencies in check for them, though his mood swings are both frequent and intense. One problem, a rather big one, is that he can quite literally feel the emotions of those around him, hyper-empathetic to the point where strong emotions from his peers during the game give him migraines. When things start kicking off and people start dying, Sollux acts on the fear, panic, and rage that's flooding him like adrenaline and attacks two of his friends, losing his eye in the process. When everything cools down, guilt eats him into hypervigilance, leaving him paranoid and self-destructive.

Violet!Sollux - trenchantAnglerfish

Sollux has spent his entire life deep underwater, where few seadwellers dare to live. The Continental Catfish keeps itself well fed but Nepeta has difficulty finding the thing most days, so Sollux's small army of fishbots keep an eye on it for her, tracking its movements. Because he's never gone above water, he's something of a NEET, and Nepeta is glad she can push him onto some of her friends when the game starts because he really needs to get out more. He's not the worst, all things considered; he's somewhat petty and spiteful when wronged, but this is mostly a result of his on-again, off-again relationship with Karkat, who happens to think he's a huge tool with an even bigger ego (and his best friend). The first thing he alchemizes is a pair of dark-tinted glasses for his extreme light sensitivity.

#homestuck #Sollux Captor #Bloodswap

[effervescentdragon]

galex + whatever u want

it fits so much that you sent this bcs i was gonna tag you anyways, this is for @sebsrainbowbicycle and you, aka the george and lando to my alex 😘 yes, i realise how incestuous this sounds. i'm dee's sidechick anyways.

"- so he sat me down in the restaurant and told me to shut up until he's done talking and then told me he wanted us to be exclusively sleeping with each other."

Lando paused the game and stared at George. He opened his mouth, blinked three times, closed his mouth in a frown, then huffed.

"Isn't that what you've been doing anyway?" he asked. George groaned.

"I know! I didn't have the heart to tell him that's already the case with me, because I don't have the time or the energy to go," he waved his hands around, almost hitting himself in the head with the controller to Lando's immediate amusement, "screw around or something."

Lando snorted. "Or something."

"Shut up." George tried to glare at him, but he failed pretty spectacularly because he could feel he was blushing.

"When are you seeing him next?" Lando asked, unpausing the game.

"On Saturday. He's spending the night," George answered distractedly, because Lando immediately threw a Red Shell at him, the cheater.

"Huh," was all Lando said, and kicked George in the shin before he could remember to ask what that was all about.

-

"That smells wonderful, Georgie," Alex said as he stepped behind George and put his arms ariund George's waist. George was going to pretend that the heat in his cheeks was because of the oven.

"Give me a second to cool it off and you can eat the whole thing," he said, putting the poppy-seed cake on the tray.

Alex nuzzled George's neck, and it always felt so good, and then he whispered "I'd rather eat you," and George had just enough presence of mind to turn the oven off before he was dragged into the bedroom.

He didn't mind much.

-

"Bye, Georgie," Alex said, leaning in to kiss him once again.

"Bye," George replied, playing with Alex's hair tips. They were blue this time, and George thought they looked pretty cool, even though he pretended to disapprove on principle. Alex had only laughed at him, and kissed him until he forgot all of his arguments. "You'll pick me up on Thursday?"

"Yes, of course." He grinned, and George really liked how big his smile was.

"Good," was all George said, because he'd die before he said what he thought - I miss you already.

-

He was cleaning the stove when it hit him.

He almost brained himself trying to get to the phone. He did drop the phone, because he forgot to take his rubber gloves off. The screen-protecting glass cracked a little, so he'd have to change it, but that wasn't important because -

'Hell-'

"Am I dating Alex?"

There was a moment's pause on the line before Lando burst out laughing.

'I was wondering when you'd catch up! My money was on another two weeks at least, but oh well. Good for you.'

George sat down on the floor. "What the fuck."

'Very good fuck, from what you've been saying,' he said through laughter. 'I need to congratulate him on being smart enough to pull this. Good for him, not letting you sag - uh -'

"Sabotage," George corrected him quietly. "Yeah."

Lando said nothing for a moment. 'It'll be fine, yeah? He's good for you.'

"Yeah," George replied. "Yeah, he is."

-

The monologue George had been practicing for three days in front of the mirror went out of his head the moment he opened his door and saw Alex smiling and twirling a single daisy inbetween his fingers.

"Are we dating?"

Alex blinked, taken aback, and something in his expression became closed. George didn't like it.

"We are going on a date right now, Georgie, if that's -"

"Alex." he said, and Alex stopped talking. "Don't. Please."

Alex nodded seriously. "We are only dating if you want us to be dating, George," he said softly. "I told you when we - when this started. I like you. I'm not pressuring you into anything. Whatever you want us to be, I'm comoletely fine with that."

George's heart was beating too fast. He was gripping the door handle too tight. He thought he shouldn't be able to breathe, but he could smell Alex's deodorant and cologne and breathing was the easiest thing in the world.

"Okay," he said, and stepped forward, and kissed Alex.

He felt Alex smile into the kiss, and he broke it off. "Did everyone know asides from me?" he asked, and Alex laughed.

"Yeah," he said, grinning. "I think Charles won the pool. Lando was pretty pissed off about that." He kissed George briefly. "Fuck them. I got you."

George felt his pulse in his throat.

"Yeah," he said slowly, tangling Alex's fingers with his. "You do."

#this feels a bit rushed i know but i had to get it out #imma fix it uo properly bu5 i wouldnt be able to sleep unless i worte it #I HOPE YOU LIKE IT #barbie tag 🩵🩷 #my writing #galex #f1 rpf #PURE FLUFF OF A ROMCO. #effervescentdragonwrites

[sarucane]

OFMD Spiral Parallels 28: Izzy and Stede Talk Blackbeard

Intro: What I love most about how season 2 builds on season 1 of OFMD is the spiral narrative structure. Ground is repeatedly and explicitly re-trod from season 1 to season 2, but in season 2 everything goes deeper than season 1. Meanings are shuffled, emotions are stronger and truer, and transformation is showcased above everything. The first season plucks certain notes, then the second season plucks the same ones--but louder, and then it weaves them together to create a symphony.

---

For most of the show, Izzy and Stede are clashing in some way. But Izzy is actually pretty honest with Stede most of the time. His opposition to Stede just doesn't manifest in lies or deception--except twice. Twice, Stede is in his cabin, and realizes Izzy's in there with him. Twice, Izzy gives Stede a mixture of lies and truth as they discuss Ed, and Izzy faces up to the depth of the relationship between Ed and Stede. In the first conversation, Stede fails to notice warning signs about what Izzy really thinks, and Izzy doesn't actually lie directly. The second time, Izzy tells Stede a lie he wants to believe. Both times, Izzy talks around murder, and both times Izzy's intentions backfire spectacularly.

When Stede comes in after storming out of the fuckery, he's wallowing in his own (rather shallow) drama. But in the second season, Stede's been cleaning up the knives Ed left behind. From invented drama that Stede's responsible for, to actual drama...that Stede's also kind of responsible for.

Izzy appears behind Stede, and Stede's hostile. But in the first scene, Stede fails to read between the lines of what Izzy's saying. Izzy's pretty openly planning for what he's going to do after Stede's death. Izzy thinks he's about to re-assert the order of his life.

The Izzy who appears behind Stede in season 2 knows the futility of that idea, knows that life is lost forever. And while Stede missed all the clues last time, this time he knows he's been lied to, he demands the truth--and he refuses to accept Izzy's obfuscation.

In the first season, Izzy really does know more about Ed than Stede. Izzy knows how Ed feels about Stede, and while it annoys him, he's not frustrated--because he thinks there's an end date. He thinks Stede is going to be dead soon, and then it won't matter.

In the second season, as usual, the emotions go much deeper. Izzy's cool control and casual superiority vanish quickly in the face of Stede's newfound certainties about Ed. Izzy's frustrations about Ed, Stede, and himself--and the relationships among them--boil over, and honesty pours out.

But that honesty only goes so far. Just as in season 1 Izzy knew Ed was plotting to kill Stede, now he himself is guilty of (he thinks) murdering Ed. Both pieces of information need to be hidden from Stede, in order to make sure Stede does what Izzy wants. So Izzy obscures them. In the first season, he manipulates Stede to do the very thing Izzy thinks will result in his murder. In the second, he's trying to get Stede to help him hide Ed's murder. But he's not willing to take the risk of honesty. The lies are bolder, the truths are starker.

Both scenes are about what Izzy knows and Stede doesn't. But both scenes also point deeper truths about Ed, one that Izzy doesn't even know. In the first season, Izzy's creepy curtain molestation gives Stede the idea of adding a "kraken" to the fuckery (listen to the musical cue!). Izzy has no idea, but his evil is going to rebound upon him: the kraken, and the breakdown it triggers in Ed, is what's going to stop Ed from hurting Stede. Something in Ed's past is hidden from both these men, and Stede's going to bring it out.

And in fact, if Stede hadn't taken Izzy at his word and the manipulations hadn't played out, that might not have happened at all. Ed might have gone through with killing Stede, vanishing probably forever into his own darkness.

In the second season, Izzy tells Stede what he thinks is a lie, but which is nearer to the truth than even he realizes. Like he did in the first season, his actions and behaviors point to a truth about Ed's past. Here, his lie points to a truth about Ed's present: Ed's not actually dead. He is dying, though. Nature is doing the rest.

If Stede hadn't believed that lie, events might not have played out as they did. Stede probably still would have tried to help the crew. But would he have been with Ed at just the right moment, when there was still time to save him from falling into that darkness below the water? Maybe, maybe not.

Stede can be disastrously credulous, and Izzy can be a manipulative bastard. But both of them really do care about other people: about Ed, about the crew. That care leads both of them to these interactions. And ultimately, that care saves Ed from his own darkness.

#ofmd #ofmd s2 spoilers #our flag means death #ofmd s2 #ofmd spoilers #ofmd meta #ed teach #izzy hands #stede bonnet #blackbonnet

[trulytiredhermit]

No because imagine the reader who knows how to do Dice stacking.

( you could search videos about it )

It'll be fun to see the reader go like:

"I have a really cool talent, it's called Dice Stacking"

And then proceeds to baffle the Links with that.

It'll be hilarious i promise.

Okay gonna be honest, when I first read this the only thought that went through my mind is Reader teaming up with Ravio to make BANK.

like him and Reader just go to the Hyrule version of Vagas and scam the crap out of people.

Reader just sets up booths in towns and eggs people on to get them to come over and play. The rules? Try to replicate what Reader does.

Starts off simple, Reader sets down and single dice and covers it up with a cup. They slide the cup off the table, do a quick turn of their wrist and catch the dice before it falls to the ground.

But then it progresses. Next phase Reader does the same set up but this time they swirl the cup around and pick it up, keeping the dice up in the air by the momentum.

And then they bring out more dice and perform the dice stacking trick. By this time Reader has driven people insane because HOW THE HELL ARE THEY DOING THIS!!!

But Reader isn’t done yet, oh no, they’re bringing out the big guns.

They’ll look the person they’re up against directly in the eye and just say “Now I’m going to make it so every single 1 side of the dice faces you.”

AND THEY DO IT AND EVERYONE LOSES THEIR SHIT!

Now what are the Chain doing at this time, besides being baffled and in awe at Reader’s amazing-ness?

They’re Reader bodyguards.

Someone starts acting up, being too much of a sore loser? They’re never seen again, just like the money they lost to Reader.

Someone tries to cheat? They get off with a tense warning, they do it again though? The Chain ain’t happy.

You don’t get to try and trick their darling a second time.

Of course members of the chain (Wild and Wind) beg Reader to teach them their tricks.

Legend’s cackling with Reader about tricking rude people out of their money.

Time and Warrior, whilst happy that Reader is enjoying themselves, are happy that they’re getting a steady income of rupees to buy weapons/ingredients/potions with.

Hyrule and Four are a little skeptical and ask Reader straight up if they’re using some form of magic or getting help from the Picori/fairies.

Sky attempts to do what Reader does with a good heart. He really just wants to spend time with Reader and hear them laugh when he fails spectacularly.

I also feel like Twilight, Legend, and Sky are bringing people that they had a hard time completing their mini games to Reader to put them against Reader.

(Listen I have a personal vendetta against those two sections in Skyward Sword against that clown dude mini game and that other dude who was doing the mine cart mini game).

Reader, being as awesome as they are, absolutely decimates these people to the Links’ delight.

And this little talent of Reader’s just makes the Chain fall even deeper in love with them.

#chromonomatic #linked universe #yandere lu x reader #trulytiredhermit #linked universe x reader

[desiccatedwithering]

we live in troubled days (oh, my friend, we have the strangest ways) — ch 4/6?

(5.4k || read on ao3) (ch1 || ch2 || ch3)

He cannot do this.

It was bad enough trying to hang out with just Harrington, but Robin’s presence adds a whole new layer of weirdness.

It’s like this is a game of tri-dimensional chess, except instead of playing, he’s a rook. Or probably a pawn. Certainly not someone with a high enough vantage point to actually understand anything happening on the board.

For example:

Robin announces that they both have to watch her hang her new Rudolph ornament—dubbed Rolph—on the tree, and they dutifully follow her. While she and Harrington discuss the best location for him, Eddie takes in the tree, which is decorated with a baffling mix of perfectly matching glass ornaments and what can only be described as a middle school art room explosion. The number of painted light bulbs and cinnamon stick snowmen and paper snowflakes is truly staggering. Not at all what Eddie would’ve expected, given the rest of the decor in this atrocious house.

“There,” Robin says, finally placing the ornament on a suitable branch. “I think that’s good. You?”

“Yeah. Here, I’ll turn on the lights to make sure.” Then Harrington flips the surge strip on, and—

“Sweet! I love bubble lights,” Eddie says.

Robin replies, “Steve thought his parents’ rich person white ones were boring.”

Harrington nods, says, “But I can’t do normal colored ones because of, y’know,” makes a vague hand gesture towards the ceiling, and leaves the room.

Eddie’s subsequent attempts to communicate, What the fuck, that was weird, right? with his eyes fail spectacularly as Robin gets lost watching the bubbles.

He leaves her to stare at the lights and returns to Harrington’s side like a dog to its master’s heel. Honestly, this whole thing is starting to get pathetic. How has he failed to find any concrete evidence? He really thought he would be better at this whole investigation thing.

Should he just try to seem less nerdy so that Harrington loses interest in killing him? What do normal guys talk about? Better question: What do popular guys talk about? Big parties? But Eddie’s never been to one of those without dealing—and talking about hard drugs right now would probably start an international incident, based on the way Harrington reacted to weed.

Cars are out, since he doubts Harrington wants to hear about his van’s many and varied ailments.

Which leaves… sports? Yeah, Eddie can—probably—fudge a decent amount of Sports Knowledge, based on gym class and osmosis from the times Wayne’s watched a game in the trailer.

“Balls.” Nope! Immediate disaster! Being murdered right now would be a blessing, honestly, but Eddie rallies and says, “Uh, I mean. Basketball.”

Harrington stares at him for a moment, then says, tentatively, “…Yes?”

Eddie nods, trying to look like someone who’s voluntarily played a sport before. “You played in high school, right?”

“Yeah,” Harrington says, sounding like it’s the stupidest question he’s ever heard. Then he clears his throat and continues, less bitchily, “Well, not my senior year, since I was benched after Hargrove tried to cave my skull in with a plate, but. Before that.”

Eddie tries not to wince. Hargrove is probably a sore topic. Time to redirect. “Swimming!” he declares.

Harrington stares some more.

“You were, uh, captain, right?” What’s the least nerdy way to stand? Should he lean on something all cool and casual? Or will that make him look sickly, like his muscles aren’t strong enough to keep him upright?

“Co-captain,” Harrington corrects.

Eddie nods vaguely. “Right. Cool.”

“Cool,” Harrington echoes. He continues to watch Eddie with an unreadable expression, and Eddie desperately hopes that his nerves don’t show and he passes whatever jock visual test is happening right now. “Are you actually at all interested in sports?”

“Nope.” What the fuck! Jesus, he needs to find a brain to mouth filter.

Harrington snorts and turns back to the stove. “You don’t have to pretend to like sports for me. Just talk about your nerdy shit, or whatever.”

Yeah, he’s not doing that while trying to seem less nerdy, thank you very much. Eddie leans against the island—in a very athletic way, because you never know when your future murderer might glance over—and says, “Robin told me the kids were on their way?”

Harrington nods and calls, “Hey, Rob, did Dustin give you an ETA?”

“No, he just said—” Robin cuts herself off, and Eddie glances at the doorway to find her frowning at him. “Oh, Jesus Christ, Steve. What have you done to Eddie now?”

“What?”

“Just look at him.”

Harrington turns to look at his, again, totally normal and athletic leaning and says, “Shit, are you ok? Why are you slouching like that? Do you need painkillers or something?”

Eddie straightens up, pulling his hair in front of his face. “No, uh. Just. Stretching.”

Harrington eyes him for a moment longer—looking for weaknesses to exploit?—before turning to Robin and asking, “Hey, Rob, can you go set the table for me?”

“Ugh. Seriously? I’m a guest. I shouldn’t have to do work. You’re being a bad host.”

Harrington scoffs. “You practically live here. You don’t count as a guest anymore.”

“Why didn’t you do it while I was asleep?”

“Because I was cooking?” Harrington pointedly stirs the pot of… whatever he’s making now, then nods in Eddie’s direction. “And entertaining Eddie.”

“Oh-ho. Entertaining him, huh?” Robin leans back against the counter beside him with a wide grin. Her eyebrows wiggle around like seizing caterpillars.

Eddie has died and gone to hell; he’s sure of it.

Harrington’s cheeks flush red, and he takes a halfhearted swipe at her. “Get off my counter and make yourself useful.”

“This is cruel and unusual torture,” Robin laments, even as she opens up cabinets and starts pulling out glasses.

“I can help,” Eddie offers, not really keen on being alone in a room with Harrington after the joke Robin just made, even if Harrington hadn’t reacted badly.

“No, you’ll mess it up,” Robin says instantly, scowling at him like he’s committed some heinous crime. She grabs the stack of glasses and swans out of the room.

Before Eddie can figure out if he should be offended that she apparently thinks him incapable of setting a table, Harrington says, “She’s very particular about the place settings.” He raises his voice a bit and continues, “Which is why it’s stupid that we have this argument every single time.”

“You get extra bitchy if you don’t have regularly scheduled pointless arguments. They’re enrichment for your inner mean girl,” Robin calls back. “And I maintain that I shouldn’t have to set the table myself; you should just do it correctly.”

Harrington visibly bites back a response to that and turns to Eddie instead. “I forgot to ask earlier: Did you like the cake?”

And like an idiot who’s apparently incapable of not making every situation worse for himself, Eddie says, “I didn’t eat it.”

“Oh.” Harrington’s face falls. Fuck, fuck, fuck. How is he doing that with his eyes?

“My uncle ate it!” Eddie blurts. “Before I had a chance. Said it was delicious.”

Which is all true, technically. Sure, it leaves out the fact that Eddie had absolutely no intention of eating it himself. And it omits the near panic attack he had when he realized that Wayne had eaten it.

“Oh, um. That’s—”

“What’s the deal with that anyway?” Eddie asks, too loudly, desperate to redirect the conversation. “The whole ‘leaving a slice of cake on someone’s doorstep’ thing, I mean.”

“Oh, it’s something I read in an article about how to have a gay Christmas.”

Eddie is possessed by a demon. That’s the only explanation for why he immediately replies, “I’ll show you a gay Christmas.” God, and in a flirty tone? Was he just flirting? With King Steve? The man planning to murder him? Genuine question: What the fuck is wrong with his brain?

Harrington blinks at him for a second. His eyes darken and Eddie braces himself for a punch, but instead Harrington just sidles close, close, way too close and says, voice low, “Oh yeah?”

Eddie is saved by the bell. Or, in this case, a familiar knock immediately followed by the children throwing open the door like they own the place.

“Take your shoes off!” Harrington orders instantly, stepping out of Eddie’s space and heading for the door. Eddie trails after him like a duckling. Or a masochist.

“We know, Steve,” Dustin complains. Eddie loves the kid, but Christ, his attitude sometimes.

“If you knew, you would just do it without me having to remind you—”

“Happy birthday, Steve!” the kids all chorus over his bitching as he steps into the foyer.

Harrington sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Yeah, I’m sure that joke will just keep getting funnier every year.”

“It’s not a joke, Steve!” Dustin gasps, hand to his heart like the drama queen he is. “Why would we joke about your birthday? We’re all proud of you for managing to survive another year.”

“And forty’s a big milestone,” Mike says with a shit-eating grin.

“Haha. You can turn right around and go home, Wheeler.”

“Nancy’s long gone.”

“You have legs. I’m sure you can use them.”

“Wait,” Eddie says, before Mike has a chance to start whining, “it’s your birthday, and you still told me not to bring a present?”

“It’s not my birthday. Apparently the 26th is Saint Stephen’s Day, and someone felt the need to share that information. So now the kids think they’re being cute.”

“In my defense, I thought you picked the day on purpose,” Lucas calls from down the hall.

“Back up. You didn’t bring Steve a present, Eddie?” Dustin asks, extremely accusatory for a kid who literally ordered Eddie not to bring anything.

“You’re the one who told me not to!”

“Yeah, ‘cause Steve was all weird about it and told me to give you the message! But I didn’t think you’d actually listen. Who doesn’t bring something to a party?”

“For your information, I did bring something.”

“Oh yeah? What was it?”

Hmm. The kids must know that he’s a drug dealer, but Harrington was already weird at the thought of weed existing in the same house as them, so he probably shouldn’t bring it up. He scoffs. “None of your business, pipsqueak. It’s for adults.”

“Porn?” Dustin screeches.

“What? No!”

“Who has porn?” Robin asks, turning the corner to join the conversation at literally the worst possible moment.

“Apparently Eddie brought Steve porn for Christmas,” Max says, gleefully.

“Ewww.” Robin wrinkles her nose and eyes him suspiciously. Is he going insane, or does she linger on his hanky? He fights the urge to hide it in his pocket. “What kind?”

Eddie slashes his arms through the air. “No! Jesus Christ, I didn’t bring him porn! It was just weed.”

“Oh,” Dustin says, deflating. Then he puffs up again, like an angry rooster. “Wait, you brought Steve weed? Like, marijuana? That’s worse than not getting him a present at all! You know he’s been sober since the summer.”

Eddie stares at him. “How the fuck would I know that?”

“Because I’ve talked about it before? Do you not listen when I—”

“Wait,” Harrington cuts in, turning to Dustin with his hands on his hips, strangely severe for something that literally doesn’t matter. “You’ve talked about it?”

Robin lets out a low “oooh,” like she’s just heard a classmate be called into the principal's office.

“A passing mention!” Dustin says, holding his hands up in surrender. “I didn’t go into, like—” he covers his mouth and then continues in the loudest whisper Eddie’s ever heard “—classified details, obviously. Though the papers we signed aren’t even legally binding—”

“Maybe not for you little shitheads, but I’m over eighteen—”

“Excuse me,” the tiniest child—who Eddie is pretty sure he’s never seen before—says abruptly. “I see that Robin is eating a cookie right now, and if I don’t get one in the next thirty seconds, I’m calling CPS.”

Harrington immediately abandons his argument with Dustin and whirls on her, slamming his hands onto his hips. “You know where the kitchen is, Erica. And what the fuck would CPS do?”

Erica scoffs. “Uh, protect me? I am a child, in case you’ve forgotten.”

“You’re a pain in my ass, is what you are,” Harrington mutters, running a hand through his hair and looking extremely harried for someone who supposedly hangs out with these children regularly. “I’m not your parent? CPS can’t do shit to me.”

“Uh, CPS is part of the government,” Erica says, in that classic middle schooler How stupid can you be? voice. “And the government owes me free dessert for life.”

“Wasn’t it just ice cream?”

She rolls her eyes. “It changed to all desserts when I nearly died multiple times and had to rescue your useless ass.”

“Language, shithead,” Harrington says absently.

“Wait. Since when does the government owe you that? I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but none of us are government agents.” Robin gestures—bizarrely—between herself, Harrington, and Dustin. “And besides, the deal was null and void when Scoops burnt down.”

“The deal with you losers was void. But I negotiated a better one with the government. If they want me to keep my mouth shut, they have to give me something in exchange.”

“Shit, we could do that?” Lucas asks, walking back into the foyer and handing Erica a cookie.

She sighs. “You know, for a bunch of nerds, you’re all real stupid.”

“Hey! I just got you a cookie, and you’re calling me stupid?”

“That’s the only reason I’m not being meaner.”

“How does free dessert from the government even work?” Eddie asks. Everyone turns to stare at him, like they’d forgotten that he was also in the room for… all of whatever that was. Super cool vibe. “Do you have some sort of coupon signed by the president? Do you have to keep every receipt and report it on your taxes?”

“How should I know? I’m eleven.”

“But—”

“Damn,” Robin says loudly. “I can’t believe I didn’t realize we could extort the government. Then I could use my money from Family Video for something fun, rather than just saving it for college.”

Ok, yeah! Just talk over him; that’s fine. Also, what? Eddie’s, like, eighty-seven percent sure this has something to do with that “top secret” D&D campaign that the boys think he doesn’t know about, but why were Harrington and Robin involved? And why would Family Video be included? Maybe he was wrong about the D&D aspect. It could be some other game system, set in modern day for some lame reason and all about boring real life problems rather than cool shit like fighting monsters and—

“What?” Harrington asks, frowning. “Rob, all of us have ‘tuition funds.’”

“Since when?”

“Uh, ‘84 for most of us, and ‘85 for you and Erica?”

“That cannot be true.”

“Did you actually read any of the paperwork you signed?”

“Sorry, are you telling me that you did?”

“Obviously? I mean, sure, maybe I missed something, since I’ve gotten a concussion literally every time this shit goes down, but I wasn’t going to sign something without reading it? Especially not since the last two times were, again, legally binding for me. That’s, like, the one useful piece of advice my dad has ever given me.”

“So I have a bunch of money lying around that no one told me about? What the fuck. Where is it?”

“You don’t get access to it until you turn eighteen, so parents who don’t know about—” He gestures vaguely around at the group, points at the ceiling then the ground, and then spreads his fingers wide, palm facing out. Which Eddie interprets as The sacrifices we give to our gods, committed in my basement. Single jazz hand. Roughly translated, of course. “—don’t get suspicious.”

Robin opens her mouth, but before she can say anything, Mike loudly declares, “The minister’s cat is an awesome cat.”

“What?” Eddie asks, frowning.

“Oh!” Lucas says. “The minister’s cat is a big cat.”

Dustin heckles him as Erica jumps in with, “The minister’s cat is a cute cat.”

“What the fuck,” Eddie mutters under his breath. Is this some sort of spell? A curse they’re casting on him? Maybe all of Harrington’s victims were actually just turned into cats for… some reason. And the caskets were just buried empty or with fake bodies inside. Though why Harrington’s cult would want to turn people into cats is a mystery.

Damn, he should’ve asked when Harrington got Carmilla. Maybe she’s actually Barb. If Eddie were suddenly turned into a cat, he’d definitely bite hard enough to draw blood.

Carmilla meows, horrifyingly following the pattern. Yeah, this is definitely the casting of a curse.

“Oh good choice, Keys,” Harrington coos.

Dustin says, “The minister’s cat is an eloquent cat.”

All eyes turn on Eddie expectantly, and he takes an instinctive step back. “I don’t understand what’s happening here.”

“You gotta pick a word that starts with f,” Dustin tells him.

“Fuck.”

Harrington snorts.

Eddie crosses his arms and glowers at him. “What? He said a word starting with f.”

“You have to describe the cat. Y’know, like, fancy or something. But not fancy because I just gave you that.”

“...Why?”

Harrington’s brows raise. “Because it’s the rules of the game?”

“You’ve never played The Minister’s Cat before?” Robin asks.

“Obviously not? What the fuck is The Minister’s Cat?” Eddie flails his arms to encompass this whole situation.

“It’s a Victorian parlor game,” Robin says. “Everyone goes through the alphabet and says an adjective for their letter. If you repeat a word someone said in a previous round or take too long to pick, you’re out.”

God, the Victorian era must’ve sucked if this is what they did for fun. Eddie lets out a sigh. “Ok, sure. The minister’s cat is a ferocious cat.”

“The minister’s cat is a glamorous cat,” Robin says.

They continue through the alphabet until:

“The minister’s cat is an excellent cat,” Harrington says, scooping Carmilla into his arms.

“That doesn’t start with x,” Eddie points out helpfully.

The impact of Harrington’s bitchy look is diminished by the cat purring like a motorboat in his arms. “Oh yeah? I’d like to see you think of an adjective starting with x.”

“Hey, it wasn’t my turn. And I failed senior year twice, so—” He cuts himself off, head whipping around as Robin starts honest-to-god bawking like a chicken. He tries to stare her down, but she just gets louder. He throws his hands up. “Ok, fine! The minister’s cat is a…”

Fuck. Are there any adjectives that start with x? All he can think of is various ex- words, which obviously don’t work. The smirk slowly growing on Harrington’s face is definitely not helping the situation. “Uh…”

Harrington practically oozes smugness as he says, “Yeah, not so easy is—”

“Xenophobic!” Eddie shouts. “The minister’s cat is a xenophobic cat!”

“Woah,” Robin protests, frowning at him.

“Gosh, Eddie,” Max says, shaking her head slowly. “I can’t believe you’d make the cat a bigot.”

“It starts with x!”

“Yeah, but you could’ve just gone with xanthic,” Dustin says. Eddie turns wide, probably manic eyes on him, and Dustin raises his hands in surrender. Still, he sullenly grumbles, “Just saying.”

“Yeah, you had other choices,” Lucas pitches in, grinning. “Pretty offensive to call someone’s cat bigoted, if you ask me.”

“It’s a fake cat!” Eddie shrieks, steam probably coming out of his ears at this point.

“Alright, shitheads,” Harrington interjects. He supports Carmilla as she clambers onto his shoulder, then makes a shooing motion at the kids, herding them towards the living room. “That’s enough tormenting Munson. Scram. Go entertain yourselves until dinner’s ready.”

“We didn’t even finish the round,” Dustin protests.

“Well, I’m out, so go finish it on your own.”

Max grabs Carmilla off Harrington’s shoulder. “The minister’s cat is a zesty cat. There. Round finished.”

Dustin huffs. “You’re all just being sore losers, ‘cause you know I’d win.”

Max rolls her eyes. “Sure, whatever you need to tell yourself.”

“Hey, Steve,” Mike says, “can I switch your depressing old music?”

Harrington frowns. “It’s not depressing—”

“I love you, but this song is literally named In the Bleak Midwinter,” Robin says, patting his shoulder.

“Whatever.” Harrington rolls his eyes and turns back to Mike. “You’ll have to ask Eddie. I said he could be in charge of music when he arrived, since he wasn’t happy with my choices.”

“You opened the door, and Last Christmas was playing. Wham! makes my ears bleed. Sorry for wanting to spare you that sight.” Eddie doesn’t even realize his mistake until Harrington turns on him, brows raised and a wide grin on his face.

“You recognized a Wham! song?” he asks, leaning closer.

Eddie takes a step back and crosses his arms over his chest. “The radio’s played it constantly for the past two years. Obviously I’ve heard it. Against my will.”

He vaguely registers Mike saying his name, but he’s more focused on the way Harrington still looks way too excited about Eddie’s slip.

“Obviously,” Harrington agrees, taking a step forward. “But you—”

“Everyone shut the fuck up!” Mike hollers.

“Christ,” Harrington breathes, just loud enough for Eddie to hear. He pinches the bridge of his nose.

“El recommended this album because she likes the song about the bear, so everyone is going to listen to it and enjoy it,” he says, holding up a cassette.

“Or else,” Max adds, glaring directly at Eddie for some reason.

“El has never done anything wrong in her life—” Robin starts.

“And her taste is impeccable,” Harrington cuts in.

Robin nods. “So I’m sure we’ll all love it.”

The other kids chorus their agreement, which seems to mollify Mike somewhat. He still shoots everyone a dirty look as he starts the album, though.

Eddie waits until he’s sure the kids aren’t paying attention, then follows Harrington back into the kitchen. He keeps his voice low as he asks, “El? Mike’s California girlfriend? She’s real?”

“Yep.” Harrington glances over at him, lips quirking up. “Don’t tell me you thought Suzie was fake, too.”

“Dustin’s super genius girlfriend who he met at summer camp and lives in Utah?”

“Don’t forget that she’s hotter than Phoebe Cates.”

“Of course. Super genius and hotter than Phoebe Cates. Yeah, I definitely believed in her,” Eddie says, not very convincingly.

Harrington snorts. “Well, she’s real, too. I’ve talked to her a couple times. You should see the radio Dustin built with her. Kid calls it Cerebro.”

“Like from the comics?”

Harrington stares at him blankly. “Sure.”

“You know, Professor X, Charles Xavier—”

“Oh!” Harrington snaps his finger and grins. Then he raises his voice a bit and calls, “Hey, Dustin, Cerebro’s from the G.I. Joe comics, right?”

“You know it’s not, Steve!” Dustin howls.

Harrington’s grin grows even wider. “Hey, don’t blame me. I’m just repeating Eddie’s question.”

“Oh, you motherfucker,” Eddie hisses, mere seconds before Dustin appears in the doorway, tragic and waif-like.

“You don’t know about the X-Men?” he asks, lip full-on trembling, as if Eddie not knowing something nerdy is genuinely the worst thing that could ever happen to him. If the kid is a secret agent planning his brutal murder, he’s a remarkably good actor.

“No, obviously I know the X-Men. Harrington’s just messing with you.” He whips his head around to glare venomously at Harrington, expecting him to fold like his players always do in the face of his fury.

Harrington makes the most exaggerated Who, me? face Eddie’s ever seen, and Dustin infuriatingly falls for it. Unbelievable. The kid’s literally in a club that got its name from the Uncanny X-Men.

“We have to fix this. Right now,” he announces, attaching himself to Eddie’s arm like a limpet. “So, the first X-Men comic was published in—” Aaaand he’s off, monologuing at breakneck speed with, frankly, encyclopedic knowledge of the X-Men comics, as he drags Eddie from the room.

Eddie twists around and mouths, Screw you, at Harrington, who just grins and wiggles his fingers in a little wave.

————

Eddie finally manages to escape Dustin’s clutches and creeps out of the room. He bites back a curse as he nearly bumps into a cabinet right outside the door. Who the hell has a display of fancy plates right next to a doorway? That’s just asking for a disaster.

Eddie eyes the bowl of fruit on top of the cabinet warily.

It was definitely a mistake not to eat before coming, but he’d been so worked up, he probably wouldn’t have been able to keep anything down anyway. Is it safer to wait and eat the dinner that Harrington serves him? Or should he eat an apple and hope it tides him over (and that no one asks why he isn’t eating)? Harrington wouldn’t have poisoned fruit in a bowl that anyone could eat from, right? Besides, how would he even poison an apple? He’s not a witch (probably).

Eddie plucks an apple from the bowl, inspecting it carefully. There aren’t any blemishes, nothing that makes him think it was somehow tampered with.

Though if Harrington did manage to poison them without leaving any evidence, would it be all of them? Or just the top ones? Or—realizing that Eddie would obviously be suspicious of him—just the bottom ones?

Jesus H. Christ, he sounds like Vizzini. He should just eat it.

Before he can rethink his decision, Eddie closes his eyes and sinks his teeth into it. Now he just has to figure out how—

Jesus H. Christ, what the fuck is wrong with this apple?

How the hell is it so dry? And waxy? And— Wait.

Eddie freezes, eyes slowly falling to the apple in his hand with a sinking feeling in his gut. Yeah, that’s definitely not a real apple.

He spits the lump of wax into his palm with a grimace. There’s no salvaging it, so he moves a few of the other apples out of the way and buries the evidence of his terrible choices. He carefully returns the other apples to the bowl, making sure that everything looks the same as before—thank God all the apples were the same color—and nods to himself. There. Now no one will ever know what happened here.

Honestly though, this is Harrington’s fault. Like, who actually owns wax fruit? Between this and the Victorian game, it’s like Eddie’s been transported back in time.

Oh, shit, is Harrington a vampire? Actually… Eddie honestly wouldn’t be that mad if he gets eaten by a vampire. That’d be a cool way to go. Cooler if Harrington didn't kill him and just kept him around for smaller periodic feedings, rather than a giant annual meal. That way, he could tell the boys. And there’s always tension between a vampire and their blood donor, so maybe—

“Smooth.”

Eddie yelps, whirling around to find Erica standing in the doorway. “Jesus Christ, how long have you been standing there?”

“Since you first picked up that apple.”

Well fuck. So much for nobody knowing.

“I bit it on purpose,” he tries. “I… eat wax sometimes?”

“Uh huh. If you like eating wax, why’d you spit it out instead of swallowing?”

Eddie will not make inappropriate jokes in front of a child. He won’t. He has a modicum of self control. “Ok, fine,” he says instead, shoulders slumping. “You caught me. What do you want? I should warn you that I’ve got, like, twenty cents to my name.”

“I don’t want your money,” Erica scoffs. “I have Steve for that.”

“So we’re good? You won’t tell anyone?” Eddie asks, cautiously hopeful. That seems too good to be true.

“I didn’t say that.” Her lips curl in an impish smile. This whole house is filled with demons.

“Are you going to tell me what you want, or—?”

“Dustin!” she says, glancing over her shoulder. “Come here.”

Eddie bites back a scream.

“I’m a better DM than you,” Erica tells him, apropos of nothing.

Eddie blinks at her, entirely at a loss for how to respond because, like, he shouldn’t fight a child, right? Especially not one who’s blackmailing him. Even if she is unequivocally wrong. “Uh…”

“Just the facts,” she says, punctuating the statement with a loud pop of her gum. Jesus, is this toddler cooler than him? Granted, it’s not a high bar to clear and there are probably lots of children who are objectively cooler than him, but he’s never had to interact with them before. “Just ask Dustin. He said so himself.”

Now hold on. Eddie can’t in good conscience fight a middle schooler, but freshmen are absolutely fair game. He glares at Dustin the second he steps into the room and drops his voice to his patented villain growl, “You said Erica is a better DM than me?”

“That is not what I said!” Dustin cries, holding his hands up defensively. “She’s totally misrepresenting the situation!”

“No, I remember you saying that, too,” Max calls from the other room.

“No you didn’t because I never said that!” Dustin shouts back. “I was just talking about Scoops Troop and the Party. Nothing at all to do with Hellfire.” He turns back to Eddie with wide eyes, hands clasped in front of him. “You have to believe me.”

Eddie briefly entertains the idea of making him grovel more, but he’d rather figure out what Erica’s plotting. He points to the door. “Get out of my sight.”

Dustin opens his mouth, then seems to think better of it and scampers away.

Eddie turns back to Erica, raising a brow. “What exactly was the point of that?”

“Admit that I’m a better DM than you.”

“No,” he says immediately.

“I guess Steve will just have to hear what happened in here, then.”

“There must be something else. I’ll do whatever you want. Anything but that.”

Erica’s eyes light up. “You’re my personal servant for the night.”

“Fi—”

“And,” she says, holding up a finger, “you’re going to stop being shitty to Lucas because he likes basketball.”

Eddie splutters. He hasn’t been shitty. That’s absurd. What, she thinks that just because he doesn’t like sports or jocks that means— Oh. Hmm.

“Deal,” he sighs.

“I knew you’d make the smart choice.” She holds out her cup. “Now go get me more juice.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

Eddie catches the tail end of Robin’s sentence as he walks to the kitchen, her voice shrill: “—gross. Dingus, I am begging you to pick literally any other topic of conversation now.”

He presses his back to the wall right outside the kitchen, waiting to see if they’re talking about something incriminating.

“Fine,” Harrington grumbles. “So, how’re things going with—?”

“I’ve actually changed my mind. No more talking at all. I’m gonna stick my head inside the oven instead.”

“Oh, come on. Rob—” Whatever he says next is too low for Eddie to hear, but he catches Robin’s reluctant sigh, and then Harrington saying, “—and I mean, aside from certain unmentionable events, I’ve never really dabbled in anything like S&M, so—”

“I really don’t think torture counts, since it wasn't consensual or sexual... It wasn’t sexual, was it? Steve, you would’ve told me if—”

What the fuck? Harrington tortures people? God, Eddie thought that at least his murder would be quick.

“Jesus, Robin, obviously I—”

“Hey, nerd!” Erica snaps, drowning out Harrington’s voice. “You said you were going to get me more juice!”

Eddie bites back a rude comment because he did agree to be her servant, even if it’s inconvenient when he’s trying to eavesdrop. “Right away, Lady Erica.”

He steps into the kitchen. Harrington and Robin’s heads snap towards him in eerie unison. He offers them a weak smile, hoping that his face isn’t screaming the word torture, and holds Erica’s cup aloft.

“I’m on a perilous and harrowing quest.”

“That so?” Harrington asks, a grin tugging at his lips. “What is it?”

“I have to obtain more juice for Lady Erica.”

Harrington laughs and pulls the bottle out of the fridge, sliding it across the counter to him. Eddie almost doesn’t catch it—because he has bad coordination, not because he was distracted or anything. He’s not sure if Harrington noticed the fumble, but he doesn’t look up to check. He just has to pour a glass of juice without making a fool of himself. Easy-peasy.

“How’d you get roped into getting it for her?”

“Just following the code of chivalry,” Eddie says. He caps the bottle and slides it back—well, slides it part way across the counter. Good enough.

Harrington grabs the bottle and puts it back in the fridge. “Well dinner’s ready, so you can take it into the dining room. Robin can show you where Erica’s sitting.”

Great. Dinner.

This is going to be a disaster.

#steddie fic #stranger things fic #steddie #eddie munson #steve harrington #robin buckley #stranger things fanfiction #platonic stobin #the party #series: make the yuletide gay #my fic #my writing #my post #st fic #wip #my wips #not tagging the children individually but they Sure Are Here

[eyes-of-mischief]

weekly fic recs | 47

prompt: self-insert/OC-insert

fandoms: bnha, knb, mdzs, naruto, svsss

bnha

Causality of Temporal Paradox by MirrorDaltokki

"A tart temper never mellows with age, and a sharp tongue is the only edged tool that grows keener with constant use." - Washington Irving

In which you are very clearly not having a good time slipping through time and space.

Lucky for you, there's at least one constant. Hawks seems to not mind you showing up in his bed over and over again throughout his life.

But hey, look at the upside. There's pro-heroes, so that's kind of cool.

Cleaning Crew; Teaching Kids to Value their Safety, for Fun and Profit by Reavv

Takenaka Hideo is a thirty-two year old, in mild desperation for money, who has just been hired as a new janitor for UA's support staff. He has a quirk that lets him find lost objects, a liaison with the police because of it, and desperate desire for competent co-workers.

Oh, and he's already lived a previous life, in a world where quirks and heroes didn't even exist.

Not a big deal, though. It's not like you ever see the janitor playing a big part in action movies. He's here to get paid, and that's it.

On the opposite side of the equation, class 1-A has to wonder at the new UA cryptid that always seems to show up when things are on fire, and who keeps trying to convince them to let the adults handle the fire extinguisher.

knb

Horseshoes and Hand Grenades by Vroomian

You don't care about sports, and you didn't ask for this nonsense.

so miracles happen after all. by リリス - riris (arurun)

Paralyzed from the neck down, a former basketball star wished only for one thing.

And like a miracle, he wakes up in a new world, in a new body-- and there's only one thing he wants to do now, so he starts running.

"Wait, is this that basketball anime?"

mdzs

by foot it's a slow climb by Vroomian

(graphic depictions of violence) (major character death)

So. Let's get this straight - I didn't set out to derail any plot. My plan was to lay low and stay away from canon. It's just...

My plans tend to fail.

Spectacularly.

i told you when i came i was a stranger by Caramelized

(mature)

A modern OC arrives in Yiling before the start of the Sunshot Campaign. She has no friends, no money, and no cultivation. She knows what's coming, but what could she possibly do about it? *** “Well…” I looked down at my fingernails and tried not to squirm. “If there were a way to separate Wei Wuxian from Madam Yu without ruining his relationship with his siblings, I’d encourage it. Like, as an example, marriage.”

Xichen blinked. “To you?”

“No. Absolutely not. What even—?” The thought was so abhorrent I couldn’t hold it in my head. My brain spat it right back out. “To your brother.”

Xichen blinked. Again. “To Wangji?”

“Obviously?”

“This is a concern of yours?”

“I realize it’s not my business at all,” I admitted. “But you asked.”

naruto

Doing the Work by MarbleGlove

There’s more to peace than the absence of war. The work is as hard and uncertain as any Shinobi mission.

AKA: A highly self-indulgent fic in which a civilian woman helps an orphaned Sasuke and winds up saving the world.

wataru, wataru by unolvrs

(mature)

“Kirigakure didn’t need help. They needed salvation.”

No one knows anything about the Mizukage. Only that she’s kind. She likes to smile. She likes seafood like every other Mizu-born. And that there’s something inexplicably wrong with her. There’s something wrong with the Mizukage whom the Kiri-nin call a ‘god’.

—or, Wataru Wataru was never really a powerhouse, in this life or the last, but she’s resourceful. She knows cults, pyramid schemes, and corrupt politicians like the back of her hand, so of course, she becomes the Mizukage and becomes a god along the way.

svsss

exec_ep=diviega/. by MirrorDaltokki, MULmul

(mature) (major character death)

AKA: Female Protagonist Fights the System Because She Doesn't Want to Live on the Lesbian Peak Just Because She Won't Sleep With Luo Binghe and She Can Write This Piece of Trash Novel Better than The Stupid Author

#weekly fic recs #prompt #oc #self-insert #bnha fic recs #bnha #mdzs fic recs #mdzs #knb fic recs #knb #naruto fic recs #naruto #reader-insert #oc-insert #svsss fic recs #svsss

[taxi-cab-to-slowtown]

Core Disaster Week-- Day 7

Mission Report: May 27, 20XX

Timothy Jackson Drake-Wayne, Robin

Mission Completed: Young Justice Mission XXX

TW: Gender-swappage and references to not feeling comfortable in your body and speculations on how gender dysphoria feels. Stay safe. 

Summary: We went on our first date today, it was great! Until we got hit by a gender-altering ray. That was… not so great. I never wondered what it would feel like to have boobs. Spoiler– I didn’t like it, like at all . 

Notes: Today I discovered Bart is agender and uses any pronouns, but for the sake of these mission reports I’m going to use they/them because they’re fun to write and I think they’re neat. Bart does prefer to be called my boyfriend, so I’ll still be doing that. 

Notes For B: I am 100% sure that I am not trans. On a separate note: How the fuck fo trans people deal with that ewwy gross feeling all the time? I wanted to tear my own chest off, it was horrible . 

Report: I went out with my boyfriends in Central today on a date. We were all in costume in order to keep my identity under wraps since, as you know, Kon does not understand the concept of a secret identity. Obviously, Tim Drake can’t be seen with him, that would be about the equivalent of wearing a sign on my chest that says “I’m Robin” or changing my hero name to Drake. So, of course, some villain sees three heroes sitting in a diner all snuggled together and thinks, oh, you know what this heroes could want? Their date ruined by me. 

Now, don’t get me wrong, Central City’s rogues are dumb idiots, but they’re also super annoying when they want to be, and give Trickster and gender-changing ray and things get really messy really fast. Anyway, we tried to fight him, but the guy managed three lucky shots, and me, Kon, and Bart were suddenly all in female bodies.

Boobs. Are. Awful. I plan to tell Steph that I am sorry she has to endure this constant torture next time I see her. For one thing, they bounce around when you’re trying to run and they get in the way. Also, like, they’re really sensitive in the worst way? 

Bart was able to take out Trickster without an issue. Sure, they said the boobs were weird , but they thought it was pretty cool. They even bounced them around a couple times and giggled. Meanwhile, Kon and I stood across from them, arms crossed across our chests trying to make them as flat as possible and failing spectacularly. I hated every second of it. 

Luckily for mine and Kon’s sanity, Bart was able to steal the gun from trickster and shoot up back into our normal bodies. I felt so relieved. So, so relieved. I can deal with dressing it drag, but real boobs and no dick? No thank you. I never want to do that again. 

Bart kept the gun because they thought it would be fun to be able to change their body as will. They also kept their boobs for the rest of the date. I liked their long brown hair in their girl form, it was fun to play with.

#timkonbartweek #timkonbartweek2023 #timkonbart #dc comics #young justice #first date #agender Bart Allen #bart allen #tim drake #robin tim drake #kon el #conner kent #ao3 link #ao3 fanfic

[invisiblegarters]

The Sign Final Thoughts

Full disclosure, I was primed to love this show from the very beginning. Garudas and Nagas and epic love stories and Billy and Babe's pretty, pretty faces? Hell yes, gimme.

And then it was actually really good, to boot, and I was a very happy person every Saturday. Everyone was so much fun, especially Yai who was a scene and show stealer. Tharn was my baby woobikins who kept having to save his love interest and I adored everything about Phaya trying so hard to be cool and failing spectacularly whenever Tharn was within two feet of him. Dr. Evil Naga was great too and had amazing Evil Eyebrow game (TM).

Could have done with less cop stuff, but I did like Akk a lot and was happy that Chart was an asshat but not evil. I love me a dude who is a dick but isn't necessarily awful. And I liked that he risked himself to try to help Tharn and Phaya.

I do wish there'd been a bit more Dao and Nee, though. I still don't know what Dao's deal was or if she was into either of the siblings, but in my heart she was into Nee.

I also feel like the ending fell a little flat for me, and I think that it was how anticlimactic Dr. Evil Naga letting go of Tharn wound up being in the end. Not that I wanted him to keep him, but I guess I wanted more than him letting him go offscreen. Also Phaya's manbun of pain was hilarious. I'm not sorry.

I do appreciate the hell out of Idol Factory though. It feels like Saint is really putting his money where his mouth is in terms of representation, etc, and also he seems willing to take risks and play with different genres, which I like.

Final verdict: 8.5. It would have gotten a 9 but too much focus on cop stuff. And no tiger man. I really wanted there to be a tiger man.

#the sign

[astrologista]

Just saw Wish. I know it's getting hate, but... overall... I thought it was very... meh? Like literally meh.

(whinging)

The protag was likable, though a bit derivative in her motivations. The message was... ok, I suppose. The animation was fairly good in most places.

It does definitely have quite a few big issues, exacerbated by what it's trying so hard to be. All the pieces are there for a great movie, which is what's so frustrating about it.

For me, I felt that the textures and lighting in particular had some kind of issue. They look okay in some places, but the whole thing looked like it was un-rendered on purpose. Like it looked like the behind-the-scenes draft version before they do the final render on it. This was probably to give off a sense of "storybook" quality to the 3d models by rendering them all flat and matte but tbh it looks rather cheap for Disney. All the colors in the movie seem to also be quite muted. The color palette they chose is very cool and understated which made me want to take a nap. And since much of the movie takes place at night, that exacerbates matters a lot. There's also very little variation in setting, colors, or lighting, which makes things boring.

The songs are the biggest problem imo. I can't remember any of the songs at all, they're very forgettable to me. I'm sure there are kids who liked them and I'm not aiming to undercut that, but the fact of the matter is that these songs can't hold a candle to classic Disney songs. Classic Disney songs have a showtune quality. The melodies will stay in your mind for decades after hearing them once. The lyrics are perfectly suited to the characters and story. You want to sing along with them. And... these songs ain't that, sorry. It made sense when I learned that these songs were composed by musicians whose main background was writing Top 40 hits, not Broadway musicals. It sounds like the assignment was to try to be Lin Manuel-Miranda without paying for Lin Manuel-Miranda. They failed spectacularly at that. If there was one movie to get Lin Manuel-Miranda for, it would be this one. Had they done that and had a few absolute banger songs in this, it would have made a HUGE difference in this film's staying power.

As it is, I can't remember much about the music, so it's hard to comment on it. It wasn't offensively bad, just a very generic sound to it that didn't feel Disney-movie-esque (or at least, not major animated feature from Disney-esque. Certainly not 100-year anniversary material). The worst song is This Is The Thanks I Get because it had so much potential and they threw it away. The animation and staging during the song is great, it's actually the highlight of the film for me. They were clearly aiming for this to be the "Let it Go" of the movie, a huge hit that people talk about for a long time. And it's been a very long time since there's been a straight-up unapologetic villain song in a Disney movie, so I was excited for this one. Here's the problem. THE SONG IS NOT IN A MINOR KEY! Why? No, seriously, what were they thinking?? It has all the hallmarks of a big, grandiose megalomaniacal villain song AND IT'S NOT IN A MINOR KEY! The tone of the song is clearly meant to evoke fear as evidenced by the animation and clearly the storyboard artist was aiming for a big, frightening number. The song doesn't match that at all. Instead it's kinda happy? Playful? Like a Top 40 hit that your mom might play in the car? What the fuck? The lost potential is so sad because Maginifico could've been a great and funny villain. He's got the narcissism, comedic qualities, cartoonish mustache twirling and hot DILF-ness to carry the villain role. For some reason though, the big cartoon-y bad guy stuff feels a bit... restrained by the fact that he's trapped in a 3D model. Like the over-the-top maniacal 2D slasher faces that they keep trying so hard to give him just don't translate to 3D very well. He would've looked so much fucking better in 2D, I'm sorry. His voice work is done quite well, though - actually all the voice work in the movie is. (The goat was not that bad honestly)

Apparently one of the concept arts has Magnifico's wife (does she have a name) being evil as well. What the fuck, Disney, where was that?? They could've been an evil power couple, that would've ATE. They also whitewashed her, which... ok, interesting choice. It seems they were also going to have Star take the form of a boy and have a romantic arc with Asha which I'm glad they did NOT do, adding romance to a film like this probably would've served to make it even more generic.

As a movie for little tiny children I think this film is okay. For the Disney fans this was supposed to be a love letter to, let's all go watch Aladdin, Mulan, Lion King (THE ORIGINAL), Beauty and the Beast, and all the other films that weren't created in a boardroom lab. Wish has a generic look, a generic sound, a generic message, and as much as I support those who enjoyed it, I can't help but commiserate with the fans who are disappointed in the less-than-stellar Disney flicks of the past few years. It's like they are allergic to taking risks, hiring creatives and letting them work, or keeping greedy corporate hands out of their projects. Hopefully their revenues keep tanking until they get the message but it looks like Iger is still drinking pure copium based on his recent comments that "audiences don't want films with a message anymore". OK. Yeah, that's what you should take from this, Iger. Have fun continuing to censor your films, gotta get those bucks from the Russian and Chinese markets, pal.

#disney is creatively bankrupt. more news at 11 water is wet

[meekmedea]

Slade Wilson

“You know, some might call that jealousy,” noted a familiar voice. “And I think you just might be.”

Medea jumped in surprise, turning to see Slade’s smug expression. “I–Slade,” she says, trying desperately and failing to hide her shock. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“So, you weren’t spying on him.”

“No.” Though the answer was a little bit too fast to be true. 

`

The amusement was clear in his voice. “Aww, don’t worry, kid. You’re still my favourite Wayne.”

“I’d have thought it was Dick with your offer to become an apprentice.” Except the moment the words were out, Medea covered her mouth with her hands. Oh no. And just like that she knew that all had been lost.

`

“Who said I was talking about Richard?” Slade laughed, knowing full well that she’d been listening earlier. “Medea, you don’t even want to be a mask. Why would I ask you?” 

A scoff escaped her and she tried to mimic Talia’s air of indifference. “It wouldn’t hurt to be asked,” she muttered. 

`

“Ok. Then would you like to be my apprentice?”

“No.”

“See?”

“It’s different, Slade. It’s the principle of it.”

“Of course it is.” Though his tone suggested otherwise. At her sulky look, he placates her with, “Fine, fine. The next time I seek out an apprentice, I’ll ask you first. How’s that?”

“Better,” she huffed. 

`

He laughs. “So, how was that career day project of yours? A doctor, hmm?”

“Yeah.” Medea doesn’t ask how Slade knows, because she knows the adults in her life are all powerhouses in their own right. Gaining information like from her career day project is mere child’s play.

“Admirable career.”

“Thanks.”

“Do you want hands on experience? I could pull some strings and get you working under Dr. Villain for a term or two.”

Medea shot Slade a wary look. “I appreciate the sentiment, but I don’t think I’m allowed to join villainous organizations till I’m twenty-one.”

`

“Villain is just his surname. It has nothing to do with his profession, kid. He’s chief of staff at a medical centre.”

“Oh. Cool. Do you think,” she trails off hesitantly. “Do you think you could introduce me to him?”

~~~~~~~

“You’re the best, Slade!” says Medea, hugging the man. “I mean it!”

Bruce’s eyebrow twitched as he watched the scene playout from across the room. The glass in his hand threatened to shatter as the seconds ticked on. He was not jealous, he chanted in his head. He was not jealous. 

Wilson shot him a smug smile as before turning to listen to Medea. 

`

Originally with Dick’s welcome into their family, Bruce had been focused on getting his youngest comfortable and feeling part of the family. Then afterwards it was on Dick’s Robin training, and fussing over Robin’s first few patrols. 

He felt bad for neglecting Medea. Something Alfred had noted, and told him to get his act together. Well, in gentler words, but the meaning was clear. So he’d attended this event at the museum, hoping to surprise her with his attendance and to spend time with his youngest daughter. 

Needless to say, it had backfired spectacularly. She’d barely spent five minutes by his side before she disappeared from his side. From there, Medea mostly stuck by Slade Wilson’s side. 

`

He wasn’t jea–

“Bruce? Are you okay, you look constipated.”

He snapped out of his thoughts to see Dick staring curiously. “Oh, err…I’m fine. Just got lost in my thoughts.”

Dick made a sound that told him that this was going to be a very, very, long night. 

`

So when he hears Medea’s voice directed at him – the first time in hours, tonight! –Bruce immediately whips his head to look for her. 

“Dad! Dad!”

“Medea?” 

“You’re not going to believe it! Look!” she says excitedly as she came over to show him the email on her phone. “There was this research position, and I got in! Slade helped.”

“It was all Medea, really,” demures Slade, appearing to join her. 

`

Wilson? Being humble? Please. But there really wasn’t much Bruce could do, but smile and nod. Even if Wilson was looking all too smug as Medea went on. 

He is so proud of his daughter, but why – oh why did she have to befriend a mercenary? Especially this one. 

#bruce wayne #jason todd #slade wilson #female jason todd #reverse robins #bruce is so tired #your (not-so) typical school day au #reverse robins au

[romanromulus]

Adam, I've got a question to posit to you for fun about Peter and Mark based off something I've been discussing with another friend, just because I'm interested to hear what you think about it: You said before that you viewed Saw V as the death of Mark's humanity and how he might have had a chance at actually ending things for good if Peter had met him with kindess instead of suspicion (which I wholeheartedly agree with that analysis here.) But my friend and I were talking about a scenario in which like. Had Peter and Mark maybe had time to actually get to know each other for a bit before the events of IV, things might have gone differently. Specifically, that Mark might have left the pen for Peter to use in the water cube on purpose, because he actually wanted to give him a chance like he does with the coffin, instead of just leaving it there as an oversight like he does in canon. What do you think about that?

omg hi @macabre-angst! oooh this is a very very interesting question to me because it makes me spiral about rigg and Hoffman kinda.

okay it has been a little while since I’ve watched III and IV so I might be kind of off here but whatever. i feel like—based on the reveal that Hoffman set Amanda up—in IV Hoffman was really confident in that he was about to be rid of both Amanda AND John. Dead Lynn means dead John, and dead John means no more blackmail hanging over Hoffman’s head. Hoffman knew by the time he got out of his trap, he’d be free of John Kramer—and he was probably pretty jazzed about it. however, once again, Hoffman WANTS connection, he doesn’t want to be alone, so he positions rigg to be his new apprentice.

(I don’t remember if the saw IV test was still a John Kramer test or if it was entirely Hoffman’s creation, but either way, if Kramer had a hand in it, hoffman obviously floated rigg’s name)

Now we both know rigg fails his test. spectacularly. and Hoffman is PISSED about it. he’s visibly, furiously disappointed in rigg.

What is interesting to me is that rigg shares certain traits with Amanda—traits that SHOULD make Hoffman think twice about taking him on as an apprentice. Rigg and Amanda are both impulsive, they’re both emotional, and they both get way too involved with other people. they are passionate individuals. they come across that way pretty immediately.

you know who doesn’t come across that way at first? Strahm. for most of IV, Strahm is a pretty cool customer. he stays detached. clearly I headcanon Strahm as someone with anger issues, but in IV his anger doesn’t come to the surface until things get personal for him (Perez). It’s entirely possibly that Strahm is normally fairly level-headed, and that the grief of losing his partner simply causes him to express a level of rage that is out of character for him.

Okay so i’m arriving to my point, which is: Hoffman worked hard to get rid of Amanda, who he obviously thought of as a liability. why would he immediately try to saddle himself with another unstable element? he KNOWS he has to clean up rigg’s messes, he has literally already done so in the past AND then he nearly has to again right at the beginning of IV. i think hoffman only picks rigg for the test because he just has no other options (please make some non-work friends, Hoffman).

now, what if hoffman had just met someone who seemed ruthless, calm, analytical, and intelligent? someone he thought he could trust, someone he wouldn’t have to worry might lose their cool and get them caught?

what I think, my friend, is that if Hoffman and Strahm had gotten to know each other before saw IV, the water cube might not have ever even come into play. Hoffman might have decided to scrap his original plan.

He might have decided to test Strahm instead of Rigg.

#ask #mine #hoffstrahm #please let me know what you think about this because the gears are turning in my brain now #also this was such a good question ty so much for asking it!!!! #now assuming he did still decide to test rigg. yes i do think hed leave the pen in strahms pocket on purpose #he might have even given him an easier test bc the water cube is legit unfair anyway. if theyd gotten to know each other #i think hoffman would try to give strahm a test he was fairly confident strahm would pass. and hed probably know not to fuck with perez #bc its pretty clear strahm is attached to her. he wouldnt wanna risk alienating strahm further. #wait that also makes me think. if perez wasnt ‘dead’ and strahm wasnt so ruled by his fury over losing her. would he have taken #the time to listen to the entire tape in the glass coffin room? #man this was such a thought provoking question

[whenthegoldrays]

Okay, review time for Around the World in 80 Days (2004)!

I actually really liked the setup and concept of this adaptation. Making Phileas an inventor, though being just the sort of change I'd expect from a Disney adaptation (minor eye roll), actually plays out quite nicely, taking him the logical extra step beyond an educated gentleman who knows about science, to being an actual scientist.

I admit the trailer misled me about how the wager came to be, and Passepartout starting a gossip chain and inspiring the wager in order to get out of England quickly was unexpectedly hilarious.

So our two heroes set off, landing first in Paris, France. My hopes are high, and so far I'm thinking this movie could end up being a solid 7.5/10.

And then I realize I spoke too soon.

Things quickly get annoyingly wacky. First Phileas meets the lady who will become his love interest — an aspiring French artiste (RIP Aouda).

After some action involving the Chinese gang trying to steal back what Passepartout stole (back) from the Bank of England, the trio set off in a hot air balloon and soon find themselves on a train that, after a time skip (and an admittedly hilarious scene involving Phileas and Mademoiselle Monique's — gasp! — uncovered ankles), stops in Istanbul.

And then, we are thrown into one of the most uncomfortable scenes I have ever been subjected to, featuring Arnold Schwarzenegger (?!) and the traveling trio in a hot tub (?!?!)

Prince Schwarzenegger wants Monique as his seventh wife, Phileas saves her by threatening the prince's precious statue of himself, and they run. Time skip number two has us in India, and guess what? Inspector Fix is here too!

(Side note: the men discussing the robbery and deciding to send an arrest warrant for Fogg to India and one of the stuffed shirts going, "Thank God we own India!" is legitimately one of the funniest things I have ever seen. Thank you for your Very Subtle introduction to British colonialism, Disney.)

Fix is actually, legitimately, the most sad, broken husk of a man I have ever seen in my life. You could knock him over with a feather. How did this man get to be a police inspector in the first place? Your guess is as good as mine. But in this adaptation, he's a corrupt officer bought by the men of the Academy of Science to stop Fogg's journey. He actually somehow manages to get one (1) handcuff on Passepartout, only to promptly be used as his weapon to fight off the gang that's pursuing them.

Long Annoying Action Sequence, Phileas and Monique nearly kiss, and we're off once again!

We are now in China, in Passepartout's village (where we learn his real name is Lau Xing). Fogg, feeling rightfully betrayed when he finds out that Monique and Passepartout have been keeping the bank robbery secret from him and thereby putting his life in danger unnecessarily, storms off and decides to continue the journey on his own.

[insert Even Longer Annoying But Kind Of Plot-Relevant-This-Time (Though Not Enough To Make Me Want To Write About It) Action Sequence here]

Uhh... *checks notes* oh yes, Passepartout/Lau Xing accomplishes his mission of returning the sacred relic to his village, and then Fogg leaves China alone.

(Wow, one way or another, every adaptation has had Passepartout accidentally causing trouble for and then getting separated from Fogg between China and San Francisco!)

In San Francisco, Phileas has 19 days left to finish his journey. He's basically got the wager won — and then all his money gets stolen because he is A Literal Fool.

Passepartout and Monique catch up to him three days later, finding him failing spectacularly at being a beggar. Emotional Reunion, etc etc, and they cross America, meeting the Wright Brothers along the way (an actually really funny and good scene, featuring Owen Wilson!!)

And then it's time for Final Annoying And Probably Even Longer Action Sequence! This time featuring an unfinished Lady Liberty! Also featuring Scary But Cool Chinese Warlord Lady.

Maybe it's just because I already don't like long fight sequences, but these felt especially dragged out as they were so largely silly and exaggerated. I suppose it's a Disney movie, after all, but still. Not a fan of that.

And then, Phileas, Monique, and Passepartout board the ship Carmen (would it have killed them to call it Henrietta?) and, once the captain decides to go full speed ahead for the sake of Fogg's wager (which he's also bet some dollars on) and finishes up the coal, they resort to the classic practice of dismantling the ship and using the wood, but not to burn it for fuel! Instead they build a flying machine, the design of which Fogg somehow still remembers after briefly looking at Orville Wright's blueprints several days ago. (Also, there's a really weird... thing that I wouldn't call a joke involving the captain and an encounter with a shark that made me very uncomfortable once again.)

They fly into London (never mind that they would've had to go through Liverpool first), crash on the steps of the Science Academy, and the clock strikes twelve noon, indicating that they've lost the wager.

But then, in another painful reminder that this is a DISNEY MOVIE (!!), Phileas's rival, Lord Kelvin, starts ridiculously monologuing about how he sent assassins and other saboteurs after Fogg, and after a little girl states that the Queen will stop his evil plot, he begins to mock the Queen in the most cartoonish way possible, only to come to find that (of course) she's standing right behind him.

Kelvin is arrested, the Queen explains the International Date Line loophole, and Phileas and his companions rush up the stairs of the Royal Academy, winning the bet with over 23 hours to spare. He and Monique kiss, everyone cheers, and that's ✨the end✨

Honestly, this had the makings of a great campy adaptation and was incredibly funny at the beginning and other moments scattered throughout. The jade Buddha plot is actually compelling and General Fang is a cool villain that's on par with what I'd expect from Disney (in a good way this time). Unfortunately, this movie suffers a lot in translation. Fogg's romance with Monique is just... there? It feels incredibly rushed, with the actors not even having that much chemistry.

Speaking of rushed, I suppose we all knew that things had to be sped along to fit such a long narrative into a two-hour movie, but adding all those long action set pieces drained away a lot of the time that could've been spent building an actual bond between Phileas and Monique, or including anything found in the original book at all (RIP Inspector Fix, we hardly knew ye).

Also, Fogg is not very likable. I don't know what it is about him that just rubs me the wrong way. I think I'm officially placing him as my least favorite Phileas Fogg of all the ones I've watched.

And while, like I said, about half of the jokes and comedic moments land pretty well, the other half is just plain cringy and sometimes even painful to witness. At least those moments aren't dragged on for very long.

And what else to say about this film? I suppose it could be enjoyable enough if you're not familiar with the source material or show up with no particular expectations. But even then, one would more than likely notice the insane pace and lack of chemistry between the romantic leads. Jackie Chan is good though.

Despite a valiant effort, this movie lands, as expected, at the bottom of my ATWIED adaptation ranking, with a 5/10 rating.

Time to cleanse my palate with the David Niven version.

#atwied spoilers #around the world in 80 days #around the world in eighty days #atwied #phileas fogg #steve coogan #passepartout #jackie chan #film review #elly's posts

[write-like-wright]

Your First Kiss With Them: Prosecutors Edition

A lovely anon requested first kiss headcanons with both defense lawyers and prosecutors, so I'm just gonna do it in two parts.

Miles Edgeworth

It happens spontaneously with Miles.

You'd gone on a few dates already and he always walks you to your door, like the gentleman he is. When it's time to say goodbye, he lingers for a moment, as if unsure how to proceed. He always flakes in the end, leaving you after an awkward hug and a face that matches the colour of his suit.

One day you're just at his place. It's one of those lazy days when you order takeout and sit at home binging Steel Samurai. A funny scene comes on, something that leaves you both in stitches. It's such a sweet thing, seeing him laugh so earnestly, some colour rising to his face. You lean over and press a kiss to his lips almost instinctively and he freezes for a second and so do you once you realise what you'd done. You apologise awkwardly, fearing you'd crossed a line.

"What are you sorry for? I quite liked that," Miles laughs. "At least one of us has enough courage to act."

Franziska von Karma

Happens in the middle of an argument, most likely. Nothing serious, of course. You're just bickering over something silly and Franziska gets a bit too smug with her comebacks. It annoys you to no end, seeing that smarmy grin on her lovely face. You stand there for a second, feeling an overwhelming urge to-

"Why are you glaring at me like that? Just because I'm right doesn't give you the excuse to act like a f-"

Silence. Cut off by a kiss.

She's completely dumbfounded when you part. It takes her a moment to regain her composure.

"Well," she says eventually. "How foolish of you. Trying to win an argument through such underhanded tactics."

You keep on bickering.

She kisses you not two minutes later when she realises her argument makes no sense and you gain the upper hand.

Diego Armando/Godot

It's the classic scenario with him.

He takes you out for a cup of coffee one rainy afternoon. You sit at the coffee shop for hours, talking and laughing, enjoying each other's company. It's dark outside before you even realise it and he offers to walk you home. The conversation keeps flowing on your way to your place and you feel a pang of sadness when it's time to say your goodbyes. You tell him how much you enjoyed your date and he just casually leans in for a kiss that lasts a bit longer than you'd expected. There's no way your neighbours won't gossip about it tomorrow.

Klavier Gavin

He texts you to wear something warm before your date. You're confused but oblige.

Klav shows up on his bike to pick you up and it all makes sense suddenly. "Come on, Schatzi, I'll show you what a real adrenaline rush feels like."

He's true to his word. He drives you around the city, the cool twilight air rushing past you and you feel more alive than ever.

Eventually, he takes you to his favourite spot, a clearing overlooking the entire city. It feels surreal seeing all the city lights intertwine with the stars above. You sit on his bike while he stands in front of you, talking about something or another. It's hard to say who leans in first, but soon enough you're kissing. It's your first kiss together, then the second and third and fourth...

Simon Blackquill

You're just fooling around at his place.

Simon is a massive tease when he drops his twisted persona. He picks little fights and picks on you just to get you worked up. It's a mixture of endearing and annoying.

He puts on some stupid show you're not interested in one bit. Neither is he, but he'd rather tease you about it than change the channel.

"Give me the remote, Simon."

"Come get it, *insert dumb nickname*"

You try and fail spectacularly. It's just play wrestling, but that doesn't change the fact he's twice your size and can pin you down with one-fifth of his weight. Not that you mind.

You're both giggling breathlessly at this point. "Do you yield, miscreant?" He asks in his scariest prosecutor voice. Dumbass. "I yield, I yield! Just let me go!"

"You must pay the toll first," he deadpans, crossing his arms.

"And what is the toll?"

"A kiss, if I recall correctly."

You buy your freedom and he lets you up, handing you the remote and letting you curl up against him on the sofa.

You pay his toll a few more times during the evening.

Nahyuta Sahdmadhi

You're very hesitant to kiss Yuti.

He's a monk. You're not even sure it's allowed.

You start wondering if you'd perhaps been misunderstanding your outings. They were clearly dates, you thought, but then again he could merely see them as you acting as his tour guide to introduce him to your culture. You're very torn on the matter.

On your way home from dinner, you pick up some dessert. Nothing fancy, just cupcakes from a local bakery. You eat them at your place while trying to explain the concept of Netflix and chill to him. It's hard to say if he's scandalized or intrigued.

"These are so good! Would you like a taste?" You ask with your mouth full, perhaps overexaggerating your food-induced moaning.

He gives you one of those sweet, gentle looks he's known for. "Certainly," he says, bridging the gap between you, pressing the softest of kisses to your lips. You're confused by his actions but you'd be lying if you said you minded.

"What was that about?"

"Hm? Oh, that was a pick-up line, was it not? I've heard about those. Although I hear that one is usually used with flavoured lipgloss."

"Yuti, I was just offering you some of my cupcakes."

"Oh," he seems a bit embarrassed now. "Do forgive me then."

"I didn't say I minded. But you can't just go around kissing people like that."

"I'll jot that down in my 'How to act like a native' notebook."

Barok van Zieks

(Heavily inspired by my incessant bugging of @bailey-reaper from my main)

It happens during his University days.

Barok approaches you at a gathering, completely red-faced while Klint and Albert snicker within earshot. He asks you to dance with him in the most roundabout way possible, to the point where you're not quite sure what he's asking of you.

You agree and are surprised at how good of a dancer he is in spite of his initial and apparent awkwardness. Must be those long, elegant legs.

He takes you on a stroll after and you end up alone on a balcony. His initial nervous demeanour slowly melts away, although he's still more than a little shy. You chat away and you even get a laugh out of him at some point. It's one of your personal victories.

It's almost midnight when you are interrupted. "Ah, brother, there you are!" Klint van Zieks suddenly joins you on the balcony. His lips curl in a knowing smirk as he turns to greet you. "Mother has sent me to get you aeons ago! I've been looking for you all over. It's time to leave. Say your goodbyes, and be quick." He leaves then, giving you a moment of privacy.

"I-I, hm, I have really enjoyed your company tonight. Thank you for the dance. I fear I must be going now."

"Wait," you say placing your hand on his arm, half expecting him to recoil. He doesn't. You get on your tip-toes and you can still barely reach his face. Thankfully, he's already slouching. You press a quick, chaste kiss to his lips, hoping no one saw you. "Surely, you wouldn't have left me without a kiss goodnight?"

His face is burning now and he swallows. "Pray, forgive the discourtesy. How careless I am. I'll bear it in mind for next time." With that, he turns and leaves you.

Kazuma Asogi

He walks up to you one day right as you're about to head to your next class, looking pensive and excited at once. You know why, you'd heard the news. Kazuma had been selected for the student exchange and you were thrilled for him - no one deserved it more than he did. You just hoped you did a good job of hiding how sad you were to see him leave regardless.

"I can't leave you here without a proper goodbye. Leave your books, come on." He convinces you to skip the rest of your classes and drags you away on an adventure as he calls it.

You spend the day together, joking around, getting food and window shopping. Finally, you settle under the shade of a tree where you usually met up in secret. He babbles away about the law, the British Empire, his plans for the future.

When he runs out of topics to talk about, he goes quiet, dark eyes searching your face. "Do you know why I stole you away today?" Stole? He's so dramatic. You shake your head. "I don't want you to forget me when I'm gone. Remember this day, and me and this." With that, he gently takes your face in his hands and leans in, claiming your lips in a heated kiss. It's so intense, you feel yourself burning under his touch. Tears prickle your eyes when you part. "I hate to so you go," you whisper weakly and he gives you a sad, understanding smile. "I know. I'm so sorry." You pull him into another kiss, lying down on the grass, hidden by the shade of the tree. You're not about to let him forget you either.

#ace attorney #the great ace attorney #dai gyakuten saiban #miles edgeworth #franziska von karma #diego armando #godot #klavier gavin #simon blackquill #nahyuta sahdmadhi #barok van zieks #kazuma asogi #headcanons #x reader #can you tell who my favourites are from this yes you can hi simon barok and kazuma how you doing babes #did i tag everyone i hope so