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dropthedemiurge · 3 months

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Love for Love's Sake | Things You Didn't Notice #3 | Learning Korean with the boys

I have (barely) emotionally recovered after the ending of this series, and so I'm back with my usual translation notices and cultural specialties posts ^^ Long post ahead!

// Read previous posts with translations & comments I pointed out //

This time I'll look at the Episode 3 [Yeowoon's Affection level from 0 to -99]. Disclaimer: I'm not fluent in Korean but I've been learning it for years and I've lived and studied in Korea for a while. However, in particular Sangwon and Sia annoyed me so much this episode because their banter is so funny but I cannot decipher their wordplay 100% by ear without KR subs so I have to skip over their dialogues %)

Anyway, there's still some fun language stuff to point out!

- "You're late, Senior (hyung)" - "Senior? (Sunbae?)"

Fun fact: Sangwon, who's the same year as Yeowoon, addresses Myungha as "hyung". Meanwhile Yeowoon addresses Myungha only as "sunbae". Hyung is a term guys call their older male friends (if you're familiar with Thai BLs as well, it's same as "Pi"), meanwhile gender-neutral sunbae means senior, someone who's been longer than you in the industry or some institution (like school).

If I remember correctly, Yeowoon keeps calling Myungha 'sunbae/senior' until the very end of the show. Even when they are sleeping over in the same house after school hours, Yeowoon doesn't call Myungha hyung but sunbae only. In Korea, you use titles or formal full names to people older than you or acquaintances, and you usually use names with the people younger than you. That's why, if you think about it, there wasn't a moment in show when Yeowoon says Myungha's name :D Only sunbae. And that's normal. (this is also why Myungha never mentions Writer sunbae's name at all)

Also, we'll return to Myungha's usage of Yeowoon's name a bit later.

"Keep doing it if you want to die young, Sangwon-ah." "*gasp* You call me by my name when you're mad?"

But Sangwon is talking to Myungha in a very familiar way, using 'hyung' instead of 'senior' every time, making it feel like they are friends (and most of their interaction this episode revolves around Sangwon trying to make Myungha talk to him like a close friend as well xD).

Why is Sangwon so thrilled every time Myungha calls him by his name? Because there are many other Korean words you can use for people, especially if you're angry with them (ranging from the impolite 'this guy' to swearwords). But every time Myungha gives a casual warning to Sangwon who's annoying him, he still says "Sangwon-ah", which is how you'd call your younger friend who's just being a brat. No wonder Sangwon keeps pushing Myungha to get his attention and affection^^

On the topic of names and intonation: I noticed Myungha uses aegyo (acting cute) often when he talks to his grandma. However, with other school students, like I mentioned in my previous language posts, most of the time his speech feels like a patronizing talk of a 29-y.o. adult.

But! I found that one scene when Myungha is deliberately using aegyo with Yeowoon! The reason for it is that Yeowoon finally responded and wanted to meet up after avoiding him for so long, and Myungha is extremely excited.

"Yeowoon-ie, you're waiting for hyung?~" "Don't use that voice".

Two things: Myungha calls himself Yeowoon's "hyung" which feels closer than "sunbae", he wanted to take the next step and make their communication less formal. And instead of saying friendly "Yeowoon-ah" like he always does, he changed the pronunciation of his name to "Yeowoon-ie" — which is, together with the playful intonation in his voice, is so. fucking. cute. However, Yeowoon instantly rejected his aegyo and Myungha returned to the way he always spoke x) RIP.

I already pointed it out briefly in another post but – Myungha cooked a curry rice for dinner with Yeowoon. It might not seem like anything, but I thought it was an amazing detail to show later in the series that even when Yeowoon almost forgotten about Myungha who disappeared, he kept bulk buying rice with curry (yellow packages) for his dinner.

"You act like you're my parent (guardian)." "Well, you're not wrong."

I thought that Myungha telling Yeowoon he's not wrong about him being his "parent" was a bit weird, and indeed, the word they are using here is 보호자 (bohoja), which is "guardian". It can be said about parents but also about anyone who's protecting something or someone as well. Which is exactly what Myungha is striving to do in this world and in this game. To protect and take care of Yeowoon.

"My mom split (ran away) but my dad said she died." "I wish I could split (run away)... I kept running around the field because I felt frustrated. But how could I run away?"

Here I'll need some help from native English speakers, which I'm not, can 'split' be used in this dialogue with the same connotation? Because in Korean, Myungha clearly says "My mom ran away", to which Yeowoon responds "I wish I could run away" and immediately remembering about the reason why he became a runner. And I just loved the accent the show made on this word, which got lost in Gaga subs.

"Don't slack off because you think no one sees." "Maintain your image (Do some mental training)"

This one is surely a mistranslation. The coach says "Do Image Training", in Korea and in some other Asian countries, as far as I encountered this term, this basically means "mental training", or "meditation" and has nothing to do with maintaining one's reputation.

Think "breathe in, breathe out and think how well you'll do and imagine yourself running that race before it starts".

Yeah, probably no one cared about that dialogue or scene anyway, but I hope you're still enjoying my hyperfixation on this show xD Anyway, it's been a long post and I'm done for Episode 3 — but as a bonus, let me share bonus with one of the Sangwoon x Sia scenes.

I tried hard to figure out the word that Sia uses when Myungha pleads her to get rid of Sangwoon, and the closest I could get was 분력 (the power of Buddha), but one thing for sure — following Myungha's begging, Sia cross-sprayed Sangwoon with perfume like holy water and ordered him like "Begone, demon!". Lmao :D

#love for love's sake comments #haha i hope I won't fixate over every moment in the next episodes otherwise I'll never end #but there is such an interesting scene in Episode 4! It'll take me another long post for sure #love for love's sake meta #korean language #language #love for love's sake #kbl #korean bl #kdrama #bl series #korean drama #love supremacy zone #dropthemeta

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supanuts · 3 months

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it is day six of losing my mind over the peteway hand-holding, what came before, what came after, and what may or may not come later, and today i am thinking about the importance of touch.

or most importantly, of touch as a gesture.

because there's the touch itself, which as two enigmas with touch-based powers that are probably touch-starved for genuine consensual purposeful touch (thank you @marinacourage, i am never recovering from reading those words strung together in that order) is... already a lot. we can infer from what we've been shown/how deliberately they focus on it every time that both their powers work by touching people with their hands, which i imagine must be incredibly alienating for both of them, albeit for different reasons, but specially so for pete who (unlike way who also has to verbally issue a command) seems to need only to touch someone to invade the privacy of their mind even if he doesn't want to.

so, the act of touch alone is incredibly intimate for both of them.

once everything is out in the open, when they both know the other is an enigma and what his powers are, and way knows that pete has been using his power every time he touches him to read his mind, pete could just stop touching him. which is what he does at first.

but then there's my favourite part: both the intent and the manner of the touch. because pete withdraws, but not because he doesn't need or want to keep touching way; he does it because he was using his power surreptitiously, and now he doesn't need to.

pete reaches towards way again, and not only touches him: he slides his own hand in between way's and touches their palms together. pete is touching way, but he makes sure that way is touching him, too. and just like when he bared his neck earlier, pete is putting himself in way's hands, at way's mercy; he can read way's mind, but way can control him if he wants, either to make him back off or anything else. and way doesn't, nor does he draw back even if he looks at pete in surprise.

because pete is showing way he believes in him. he's telling him as much, saying "don't let obligation or fear make you not dare to decide to do the right thing. you are worth more than daddy says". saying "you always have a choice. you still have the right to choose, way".

but he's also telling him with his touch, with the palms of their hands resting together. "i see you", "you are not alone", "i'm here, and i believe in you", "your past sins will not drive me away. wounded hearts can still be cared for".

and also, because of how pete looks at way and because of how emotionally charged this moment is, i cannot help but think about the metaphor of "and palm to palm is holy palmers' kiss" in act 1, scene 5 of shakespeare's romeo and juliet; juliet's evocation of a palmer touching the hand of a saint's statue as an almost holy and transformative experience. a kiss with hands.

#pit babe #pit babe the series #peteway #ending this post with 'k bye' and fading into the shadows #personally i too would have been overwhelmed by emotion and would have turned toward the metaphorical light #just saying #this turned into something of a scene breakdown accidentally #i just wanted to scream about their palms touching #also the palm thing coming from romeo and juliet of all things is not relevant ok don't let that distract you #does this explain why it took me a whole hour to get through this scene on first watch?#because i was bouncing off the walls #also i'm listening to tiffany young's born again and would love to know what in the lee taemin is going on with all this religious imagery #me losing all my hinges: is this anything??

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etrevil · 5 months

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I cannot get over this absolute banger of a front cover.

First we have Odasaku front and center, and then there's Dazai - split between side A and side B - right above him. There's a clear, jarring difference with Beast!Dazai's dead eyes, bruised skin, while almost drowning in bandages, compared to Main!Dazai's mischievous grin.

Their worlds are such vast contrasts to each other, and yet Odasaku remains unchaging in both, especially in appearance. Same old striped-shirt, beige-coat wearing Oda.

And then there's the cards. Someone made a really good tweet about the meaning of every card (here's the link) but basically, Beast!Dazai has cards that symbolise commitment and death - which greatly connects with the fact his main goal in the Beast world is making Odasaku stay alive, a plan that probably started way before he was fifteen - while Main!Dazai has cards that express genuine self, freedom, acceptance, and personal growth. Development that we see in the main story, nearly growing alongside him sometimes.

Now if that isn't a knife to the gut, I don't know what is.

Oh wait. I do.

The future of the Beast world. The frames that have Dazai and Oda's confrontation, where everything came crashing down until the jaw-dropping finale in Beast. I absolutely hate how I'm still not mentally, emotionally, of even physically recovered from this scene.

How can I when Oda described Dazai as a child about to cry 😭

Anyways, my parting words is that I wanna imagine the burnt page in Oda's hand signifies that because of Beast!Dazai's intervention, he "burnt a page" about the good relationship they could have had. For him to survive, Dazai made himself be the enemy in the Beast world and made something of a good world that still feels emptier than the original one.

🥲✌️

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pinesfamilyguidetotheweird · 7 months

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Gravity Falls Thoughts: Ford and Trauma™ (Part 01; because I know I'm turning this into a multi-part series)

So...when you start to think about it, Ford has been through a lot. Because of Gravity Falls' nature as a 2-season Disney cartoon, I feel that we've only scratched the surface of all the crap this man went through.

And thanks to the fandom...good Lord in Heaven, all the flippin' Trauma!!! Sweet Moses...

I mean, other than Bill Cipher and Weirdmageddon, Ford has a level of trauma that not a lot of people have.

Of course, Ford isn't the only one with Trauma™. Really, all four of the Pines are traumatized in some way. I mostly want to focus on Ford for now.

Now, most of the trauma Ford is given is fan speculation/interpretation. The thing is though, is that these traumas would make sense if Gravity Falls was given a more serious direction. (sort of like Steven Universe, a show that is more emotionally driven)

Okay...first things first, nutrition.

In a previous post I've made (I think it was about the Feral Ford headcanon; which I may or may not go into further detail in this series), I said something along the lines of how Ford wouldn't be all that bothered by weird looking food or could even stomach strange food combinations.

While a part of me still thinks this, another one thinks of something else thanks to reading a lot of fanfics of his essentially living off of nutrient pills.

This is from Ford having to be constantly on the move to avoid Bill's reach during his travels. I'd imagine it's a rare occurrence for him to be able to sit down and have a decent meal, either at an establishment or even hunting for food. Not only that, but you have to remember that a lot of the places he went to probably don't have food suitable for humans.

So, Ford has probably taken to nutrient pills so that way he's always on the go, among other foods he's able to preserve and carry.

The thing is, living on mostly nutrient pills could only take you so far before it could be more of a bad boon. Nutrient pills wouldn't exactly give you the appropriate amount of calories a human adult male needs. Especially if they are constantly in danger.

This can lead to some malnutrition.

Yes. I took time to research this so we can properly make Ford's life more like hell.

Signs/Symptoms of Malnutrition (according to NHS)

(Other than the main concern of weight loss and BMI being low)

reduced appetite

lack of interest in food and drink

feeling tired all the time

feeling weaker

getting ill often and taking a long time to recover

wounds taking a long time to heal

poor concentration

feeling cold most of the time

...feeling cold most of the time...

"feeling cold most of the time"

...And who wears a turtleneck sweater/trench coat combo during the summer?

And, lastly, Low mood, sadness and depression.

Furthermore, it would seem that Ford would have developed a low tolerance to actual food (other than bland, mushy stuff) and is probably incapable of eating a whole meal without throwing up.

It's a struggle to be sure, especially if Ford already has a history to forget meals, even as a child (may or may not be projecting here as someone who forgets to eat)...not to mention the months of paranoia due to Bill prior to being sucked into the Portal.

I'm honestly imagining a scene in which Abuelita (bless her soul) tries to feed Ford when she sees how skinny he is...or at least what she perceives as skinny. And no one (no one) can say no to Abuelita Ramirez. And it's Mexican food. There is absolutely nothing bland about it. And Ford does his best to eat it...only to scurry into the bathroom after three bites. He didn't mean to be rude. It was honestly very delicious. Ford's body just couldn't handle it at the moment.

At least Abuelita is understanding of the situation and becomes Stan's right hand woman on his quest to help Ford with his eating habits.

...Great, another idea for an upcoming fic...I had a title in mind but I feel like I should call it *Trauma* Ford Edition.

#gravity falls #stanford pines #grunkle ford #ford pines #gravity falls thoughts #trauma

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m3r1m4r5u333 · 3 days

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Reasons why I keep rambling about Bi!Eddie...

Why? Why would Eddie hide his sexual identity, bisexuality? Because... why not, he thinks.

Dating only women would mean less conflict with his family. His family is religious and Eddie loves them, is scared to lose them.

Eddie also fears triggering more conflict, maybe even fears his family might not consider him a good dad anymore if he came out.

He already almost had to fight for his son's custody with them. What if he comes out and they lash out? He has a dangerous job, works ridiculous hours, is a single parent. A queer man is not every courtroom's favorite person.

So women... That's where Eddie hides, it's what he knows. It's "a safe place to hide"... because in theory, it's fine, it's comfortable. Eddie is attracted to women. So he isn't really sacrificing anything, or at least much, he thinks... Just marry a woman you love, and it's all good. No need to come out and clash with your family, or make Christopher's childhood even more of a challenge. After all, the world is still prejudiced and not all children of queer parents have it easy.

But the truth is... Closeted life isn't a cake-walk even if you avoid detection, and are sort of adjusting. You are still hiding a part of yourself. Acting. Feeling like you need to pretend. Scared and unable to be fully yourself.

I've noticed that Buddie fans keep pointing to Eddie's panic attacks as this "haha gotcha, you're GAY!"-confirmation. It's ignorant.

Did you know that panic attacks are actually not at all unusual among closeted bisexuals, either?

Masks are always suffocating, no matter what you're hiding.

Not to mention, when Eddie starts having those panic attacks, he's under a world of pressure. Trying to recover and get back to dating... Quite soon really, after losing his wife.

He's also got a mountain of trauma and PTSD after surviving several near-death- experiences. To add to the trauma, the way he experienced the shooting? He thought Buck was wounded.

And then he is pressured into asking Ana out even though it hasn't been that long since he lost his wife.

Also I'm quite sure... His heart just isn't in it, dating. I think he has actually by that point fallen for Buck. And ignores it, tries to move on, forces himself to date someone else.

Get back on a horse, even if you don't really want to, feel the need to. Doesn't matter what you like, just do it anyway! "Horses" it is. Dating it is.

So Ana and Eddie? It's a tale of unrequited love, for Eddie, and for Ana. Falling for a concept because the person you truly want is simply not invested like you are, is emotionally unavailable to you.

The anxiety builds when people keep assuming Ana is Eddie's wife or Christopher's mom. It's too soon, it feels wrong. The relationship is just a mask because Eddie hasn't actually moved on. From Shannon, or from Buck. He panics when Ana says. "I'm not his mother... I'm... just a friend."

It's a reminder that she isn't Shannon - not Christopher's mom.

And she isn't Buck either. Buck who isn't really Christopher's father, who is... just a friend.

And like Buck... Ana is becoming Eddie's ready-made family anyway. Actually the third ready-made family, really. Shannon, Buck, Ana... All happened without much room to stop and re-consider.

Shannon... A rushed shotgun marriage triggered by an unplanned pregnancy and catholic guilt.

Buck, (a seemingly) straight friend quickly becoming family - clearly a dead end romance-wise.

Ana... A rushed, pressured romance built out of need to forcibly move on, and find a step-mom for Chris. Three ready-made families, all destroying Eddie in different ways. Anxiety, inner turmoil, panic.

....

So. Eddie's bisexuality!!!

That ice skating scene in "Malfunction"? The episode is very Eddie-centric, and the theme is "Me a tough macho man, me trust nobody, ugh!"

There's Eddie's fight club clusterfuck, his argument with Lena about Eddie being emotionally distant. Eddie, crying in front of Bobby about his grief, about Shannon leaving because Eddie "broke" her, because he wasn't enough...

Eddie = Trust issues galore, abandoment issues galore. Persistent shame and guilt making him unable to go for anything he really wants. Avoidance. Hidden pain. Constant urge to be in control, and never slip.

So let's look at that ice skating scene in "Malfunction"...

It's a blood bath on ice. Figure skaters toe-picking and getting injured, all because of one fallen sequin on ice triggering a domino effect. Bobby knows to look for a sequin because he's got some experience with this stuff.

Chimney: So how come you know so much about figure skating?

Eddie: Always thought you were a hockey player, cap.

...

Bobby: Who says you can't do both?!

(They team is shocked. Buck says "We'll google for photos later"

Chimney waves his hand around like he agrees... But in a way that ends up looking like he's pointing at Buck AND Eddie. And Hen then throws this shocked lingering stare at Buck and Eddie, like she just realised something!)

...Who says you can't do both? Indeed... Is there some secret quota, unknown to me, that dictates how many bi characters a tv show can have?

Is there a law that a queer male ship must always be the sum of one bi male, one male gay character? Why do we expect that? Because it would be more diverse, more varied representation?

Correct me if I've got this wrong... But writing Eddie as gay would in fact not score the show more diversity points, not in the realm of 9-1-1.

The show STARTS OFF with a storyline about a closeted, married gay man! If Eddie was gay... It would be the show's second storyline about a closeted, married gay man. That's not diverse representation. That would be in fact... quite repetitive, unimaginative queer representation!

Also, let's keep in mind that the show already has several gay male characters by the time Eddie joins the team.

Michael! David! Josh! That's already three gay men. If Eddie was gay, Eddie would be the fourth gay male character.

Oh wait. Tommy. So... FIFTH one! Also there are even more strictly gay monosexuals: Two lesbians. Hen and Karen.

However, there are just two confirmed bi character so far. Buck and Eva.

So really, Who says you can't "do both"?

Who says both of these characters can't be interested in women and men, into more genders than one? Who says both Buck and Eddie can't be bi?

"We're everywhere, man." That's Eddie's line in that scene, gif below. (And pink+yellow balloons, blue gloves? Pansexual-coded colors. Multisexuality!)

Eddie, subtly illuminated in bi-coded colors. Blue, purple, pink... On a date with a woman.

Talking with Buck. Bi-coded lighting.

Oh look, what's behind Eddie? The famous bi-cycle. While he talks about "the menu" not being the issue...

"The sex was never the issue", with Shannon. Canonically they actually went at it like bunnies, even to the detriment of their relationship because they failed to talk due to being too distracted by each other's bodies.

"The "menu" is not the issue." And it's not with Marisol, either. Not until Eddie learns of her hyper religious past.

Confronting Marisol, a former nun-student? That's the issue here, that's what Eddie's trying to avoid. Confronting his obviously at least at one point very religious, quite possibly bigoted girlfriend...?? Would certainly be an issue, if you're bi!!! Who wants to date a bigot?! Your very own domestic hate crime.

So... Eddie talks about the upcoming alone time with Marisol (when Chris was away) feeling exciting, naughty... Until he learns she was almost a NUN!

He talks about "eyes on the ground". And that's what dating a fundamentalist would be, if you're bi and closeted. Eyes on the ground, close to you.

Suddenly being judged for same-sex attraction is no longer just a distant fear, a vague idea to Eddie, it's a living, breathing person in his home, in his bed.

Really, imagine dating a bigot. Imagine your partner being disgusted, disturbed, judgemental... by your sexuality, your identity, your desires, dreams. Imagine them being repulsed by such an fundamental, persistent part of what makes you... you. Something you cannot change.

Imagine sometimes fantasizing about men as well as women, and then... trying to have sex with someone... who you suspect might consider your secret fantasy life disgusting, wrong. Imagine that negative reaction if they knew the whole truth, who you really are?!

An efficient boner killer, for sure!! No wonder Eddie is suddenly avoiding her company, anxious by the idea of sex with her. He doesn't trust Marisol anymore.

Also, let's talk about Eddie and moving on.

Why going home is an issue. Leaving Buck's place is an issue. Because trying to move on? Those words just need a melody, and ta-dah it's the Eddie Diaz theme song. The story of his life. The concept just keeps coming up.

Moving on. Being unable to move on.

Quite frankly, I think this is the main reason why Eddie cannot date without freaking out.

When Eddie joins the team he's still stuck on Shannon. "They weren't my type." Less awkward than to say "Sure they were hot, but I do have an estranged wife."

Shannon was his first crush, love, his first everything. The mother of his child. His friend. But they were young, not ready to get married and have a child, especially one with special needs. They were pushed to do that anyway when Shannon suddenly got pregnant, unplanned.

Btw, may I just point out that they're already under a lot of pressure and struggling when we first see them together on the show?

What we miss out on seeing... are the times when things were still great! That creates a limited, tinted view of their romance, and warps our entire view of their relationship. When we first see Eddie and Shannon, their relationship is already quite fractured, and falling apart.

Doesn't mean it always was bad.

Inability to work together. That eventually destroyed their relationship. Both failed to listen to each other, to be a team. Their love died because their mutual trust and respect died.

Eddie couldn't handle sudden parenthood, sudden marriage (and catholics truly expect forever), Christopher's cp diagnosis. He enlisted, escaped to the army. Shannon couldn't handle the guilt, thinking the cp was her fault. They fought all the time. Eddie let his parents meddle with Christopher's upbringing, walk over Shannon. He refused to listen to her when she wanted to move to another city. Eddie avoided bonding with Chris.

So when Eddie got home from the war-zone, she left. Eddie was suddenly alone with Chris. And Shannon was gone for a long time. Her leaving, it was a shock to the system. Eddie no longer trusted her, she'd abandoned him, and more importantly, abandoned Chris.

So Eddie is struggling. Alone. Hurt.

And then... Eddie meets Buck, who is ridiculously helpful. Buck is someone Eddie can count on. They're almost instantly a team.

So Eddie moves on from Shannon, and falls for Buck. From that point on? There is no real room for others. From then on it's just barely discreet heart-eyes at Buck, and Eddie not truly wanting to date anyone (else).

Eddie doesn't really want to get back together with Shannon when she returns. The sex is still great, that was never the issue, they both agree on that one thing...

But she was simply gone for too long, she even says this. It's obvious. Eddie has adjusted to life without her, found a new focus, moved on from her.

For example when we see Eddie, Buck and Chris visit Santa? Eddie talks about Shannon to Buck in this almost anxious way, like he feels the need to explain himself to Buck, like he's been cheating on Buck. Buck then calls Eddie "brother", and Eddie's face, just for a moment... Falls. He looks disturbed, disappointed, to be called "brother".

Eddie tries to mend the relationship with Shannon. It's obviously out of a sense of duty (catholic guilt, marriage should last, divorce is wrong), he keeps waiting for a "sign", keeps ducking her questions, pushing her away, keeps dragging his feet. His heart is no longer in it. Shannon realises this, wants to break up.

And then she dies. Eddie grieves. Feels guilt for failing to salvage the marriage. And then Eddie is just... stuck. Unable to move on, from grieving Shannon, from the guilt caused by their failed marriage, from Buck. Tries to force himself to move on. Fails. Keeps dying inside.

Heart's already taken.

.....

There are so many talks about moving on after that. Seemingly they are all about Shannon, and I do think they are about Shannon...

Just not... entirely. After all, Eddie didn't really want to get back together with her, did he now. We see them fighting, a lot. Their relationship wasn't dancing on roses, there were serious problems.

So the talks about moving on are also about Buck. Buck, who Eddie thinks is straight, yet parenting Chris with him. They become close, are seen doing all sorts of domestic family stuff.

What a painful existence would that be, to raise your child with someone whom you love and desire, but who you think cannot ever return your feelings? Who wants that? Of course Eddie would want to move on!!

Then shit happens... And Eddie clearly just... spirals without Buck. Partakes in illegal fights to let off steam. Yells at Buck at a grocery store about "not being around, Christopher missing him..". They end up looking like a couple in the middle of a messy divorce.

People, including Buck, pressure Eddie into dating. Buck keeps dating women. Eddie... keeps having talks about moving on.

Looks totally dead as he tells Buck that he needs to move on, Eddie has. It's an obvious lie, and it's such a bizarre thing to say to a friend, no matter the circumstances - very relationship-coded.

Almost like Eddie was just desperate to voice those words out loud, wishing that saying them would turn them into reality. Move on, I have!! (Move on, stop approaching me, stop tormenting me like this.)

....

So move on, Eddie...

....

There's Buck, urging Eddie to ask Ana out.

......

Bobby, telling Eddie that he will always miss the family he once had, but he loves the new one he now has. So you should try moving on, Eddie!

.......

Eddie's doctor... suggesting he could be repressing things.

The talk with the doctor;

They're talking about the shooting... Until it sounds like Eddie isn't.

Eddie: I don't even think about him anymore.

Doc: That could be called repression.

Eddie: Or just... moving forward.

Then some more subtext about pining. Remember Buck... being compared to a golden retriever?

Remember the man who cornered himself on a roof? Whining that he always wanted a dog but mom wouldn't let him because "Barry was allergic!"... (Or maybe, queerphobic?)

.....

Ana: There's a lot to be said for getting back on the horse. But there's also value in learning that you don't like "horses".

Eddie: I'm sorry?

....

Carla, telling Eddie to follow his heart, not Christopher's.... (Edit. Btw, look up the pictures of those hearts, I can't add more pictures to this post.There's Buck's silly, happy "misunderstood the assignment" love-type heart symbol... The one Chris drew, the one Carla warns against following?

Dead-looking, clinical, anatomical. And it's drawn with bisexual-flag colors!!!!

Love can't be about logic and rationality, reasoning with yourself and finding a good enough match. Even if on paper it makes sense. Love needs to be an emotion. It needs to make you happy.)

.....

The first day Buck and Eddie meet:

Buck is taking selfies.

Eddie: You're in the wrong lighting, man.

Buck: Some of us don't need lighting to look good!

And...

Years later... At the dark firestation, Eddie looking at Buck, getting lost on his memory lane, forgetting to introduce Ana.

Ana: Even in the dark this place is amazing! (The parallel to "Some of us don't need lighting to look good.")

And Eddie panics.

(*panicking, looking between Ana and Buck*)

Eddie: I don't want these things to wilt!

.....

After that... Eddie, looking at Buck:

Somehow we became a ready-made family, and I... I don't know if I'm ready for that.

(and how could he be ready for that, he thought Buck was straight.)

.....

Eddie talking with his tía, learning that she's been married twice, not just once, like Eddie always thought.

Eddie, learning that she had been unable to move on from the first husband, and didn't feel ready to date... But her friends had dragged out anyway, and that's when she had met her second husband-to-be.

And it was this, meeting someone else, that made her move on. So Eddie forces himself to date, thinking that all he needs to do is meet the right person, and he'll finally move on.

.....

The scene with Marisol, setting her bag on Eddie's hallway table.

Checking that it's not falling off... because there is barely enough space for Marisol to set down her belongings.

The table is already full. There's a toy truck on it, which BUCK gave Chris, years ago,

and it takes so much room.

It's lit, under a lamp, in the center of a table, the first thing you see when you enter Eddie's home. A prized little thing, a treasure. It's clearly valued, spotlighted like art... Even though a toy like that? Would not be very expensive.

Still, it's clearly something Eddie cherishes. Chris is no longer a little kid, he doesn't play with toys like that. But the truck stays, it's something Eddie wants to keep looking at. And it's huge, centered, leaves little room for something else.

Eddie is pining!!!!

Whether he realises it or not... This man is in love, that's why his relationships feel so suffocating, why they keep failing. His heart is already taken. His romantic relationships are just glued on, they're pretense, acting, a desperate attempt to move on, from Buck.

#evan buckley #911 buddie #buddie #eddie diaz #buddie 911 #911 on abc #evan buck buckley #911 abc #tv: 911 #eddie díaz #bi!eddie #bisexual erasure #bi buck #abc 911 #Ana Flores #shannon diaz #Marisol Doe #i make no gifs brain is potato

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stars-n-spice · 3 months

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TBB S3 TRAILER

Holy FUCK I was not prepared for this.

As soon as I saw the trailer posted on Instagram, I grabbed my laptop and casted the trailer on the TV and stood in front of the TV like an old asian man; hands behind the back, spine bent, feet planted shoulder width apart.

Cannot believe it's finally here and I've got a lot of thoughts that I'm going to put under the cut because holy shit, this trailer hit me like a brick.

Idk if they will be comprehensive honestly but I'm writing them down as I rewatch the trailer.

In summary though? This season is going to absolutely wreck me and I will never recover from it emotionally and probably financially too if we get a new wave of merch and shit with it too.

Anyways, thoughts and reactions under the cut-

What the fuck are they doing with that transport? They stealing something? Retrieving something? Is it a tank? Hello, where is Echo??? IS THAT FUCKING CROSSHAIR?! IN S1 ARMOR???

PHEE GENOA!! so fucking great to see her again, I'm going to be absolutely devastated if they show us her reaction to Tech's supposed death.

CAPTAIN REX MY LOVE YOU'VE COME HOME!! "I thought the end of the war would mean the end to losing more of our brothers" <- that better be about Tech and not about Cody, so help me god-

OMEGA'S NEW HAIRCUT :( she looks so much older now :((

STOP CROSSHAIR LOOKS SO FUCKING SAD. I feel terrible actually... this is like,, this is a shell of a man,, like,, this is a man who's got like,, nothing. He looks awful and I swear if he doesn't get some peace of mind I'm going to lose my mind.

"Omega's been waiting for us a long time." NO NO NO DON'T FUCKING DO THIS TO ME. I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD IF YOU DO A TIMESKIP, ANY MEASURE OF TIME THAT OMEGA HAD TO BE WITHOUT HER BROTHERS AND WONDERING WHEN THEY WERE GOING TO COME AND GET HER IT'S GOING TO BREAK ME. I fucking hate timeskips so much, I swear if she's been by herself for more than a year, or even just a year, I'm going to be PISSED. If she doesn't get the chance to be a kid like she deserves I'm going to fucking lose it.

PALPATINE?! "There is nothing of greater importance to secure the purpose of this Empire" <- y'all talking about cloning? About cloning Palpatine because you have to explain why "somehow Palpatine returned"???

HEY WHO THE FUCK IS THIS?!

Holy shit the animation is really good. Like that whole fighting montage?? The fucking scene on the bridge looks like,, fucking live action to me. Idk how to describe it but the animation is fuckng beautiful and I wish Star Wars did more animation because this is gorgeous.

FENNEC SHAND MY LOVE!! MY WIFE RETURNS!!! PLEASE BE IN MORE THAN ONE EPISODE MY QUEEN I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!! and Cad Bane is there too ig-

"They are coming, for all of you." <- who is this. do not come for me but I cannot for the life of me figure out who this is. It's not Cody, I don't see the scar. Someone help me out here-

WOLFFE IS BACK BABY!!! FUCK I CANNOT WAIT TO SEE HIM IN TBB ART STYLE

HUNTER ON PABU! Thinking they probably went back after everything and I want to see how they've adjusted and settled in, please, I am begging.

My baby, my angel, myivida, the light of my life. Fuck it's so good to see and hear you again. If anything happens to you I swear to god-

LMAOO DID HUNTER JUST GET YOINKED BY A SPACE CROC?!?! WAIT THEY'RE ON THE BOAT WITH FENNEC!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAA

There are two clips that allude to the fact that they get Crosshair out of there before they get Omega and I'm going feral over it. If this means we get them reuniting with Crosshair sooner than later I'm fucking ecstatic. Like because,, that's Crosshair's rifle and they clearly cropped the screen for the sake of the trailer, right? Right??

Hey where is the zillo beast?

ASAJJ VENTRESS??!?! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?! You're telling me,, I get a season,, with Wrecker, Wolffe, Fennec, AND Asajj? Oh be still my beating heart. Anyone hear something meowing?

Also I know in the trailer it seems like she's facing off with TBB but the backgrounds don't really seem to line up so I'm hoping they don't actually face off with each other.

Tech literally only being indirectly mentioned and showing his death scene again but recolored and shit makes me feel all kinds of things.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

3 EPISODE PREMIERE?!?!?!?!?!?! fuck me.

Echo wasn't in this trailer enough and where the FUCK was Cody?!?!?!?!

Fuck.

#tbb #the bad batch #star wars #clone force 99 #tbb trailer #tbb s3 #tbb hunter #tbb wrecker #tbb echo #tbb tech #tbb crosshair #tbb omega #best believe i'm feral over this #screaming crying throwing up #i am unwell #i love them a normal amount #i love this show a normal amount

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goodluckclove · 23 days

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Tell me about your suffering is art stance. I wish to know. Please and thank you. <3

Man you know I never thought I would openly talk about this part of my life because it was a nosedive that took me literal YEARS to recover from. But I'm seeing a close friend of mine go down the same path despite watching me almost sink into the void, so apparently this isn't universal information.

Storytime, dear ones. And it starts here. TW for mania, derealization, substance abuse, kind of parental abuse, and ultimately suicide related stuff.

This is an issue of Content magazine from 2016. It's a popular arts magazine from the Bay Area of California. Flip through it, it's neat! The arts scene in San Jose and around that area is small, but very dedicated.

Now go to page 56-57. The headline for the interview is "Miranda and the Young Outlaws". I did not choose the headline. I did not decide to have my photo be the only one in color. I was, at one point, Miranda, and at the time of that photo I am 19 years old.

I've been a novelist since 12, but at 16 I got into playwriting. It was instant validation. People thought I was good at it, and I was - though good in a way I don't believe applies anymore. Google my full dead name and you'll see some short plays of mine. Some short stories. I don't really mind putting my full dead name out there, mostly because I worked hard for all of that and would rather not let it die forever. So have at it.

If you read this interview you'd probably be impressed. Maybe envious at the depiction of independent creativity being validated at such a young age. A few notes from my present self:

- when Miranda referenced the rehearsal on the street outside the coffee shop, she neglected to include how once her actors finished the final scene, she laid down on the dirty sidewalk with no warning and began to weep from exhaustion. The cast, her friends from high school, most of them still IN highschool, gathered around her and struggled to calm her down.

- when she describes her "house of recovery" she doesn't mention that her "recovering addict" parents got her hooked on medical cannabis to stop her nightly, hyperventilating panic attacks. Not everyone who smokes weed is addicted. Miranda was for three years.

- "when you're young and you find an art form you're really passionate about it helps you emotionally..." The reporter misquoted Miranda here. It HURTS you. That's what she said. It. Hurts. You.

- I considered the other people in that group photo the most important people in my life. None of them talk to me anymore. I get it, though.

The Young Outlaws was my legacy at the time. We did The Muses, and it was one of the most profound experiences of my life. Then after that I had a complete, screaming mental breakdown the night before our Halloween show.

I was working five jobs at the time. I dropped out of school to focus on theater. I didn't eat much, and every other weekend I wrote a new full-length script in the span of less than two days. I was insane and miserable constantly, but that's what an artist is, isn't it? Someone who suffers? Isn't that what it means to put in effort?

It's crazy, but that brainwashing runs so strong that as I write this it's hard not to think that I was somehow STRONGER back then.

I didn't stop so my body stopped for me. I shut everything down over a video on the Facebook group for my troupe that I filmed while lying on the couch, and then I just kept lying on the couch for days. Then weeks. I have a memory of lying on the patio at dusk, looking up at the clouds pass and wishing desperately that I had enough energy to kill myself.

I didn't write. I didn't write for a long time.

But that's what an artist is...right?

It got better when I stopped smoking weed. As I kept going to therapy and adjusted my medication. Then my foundation broke again and I walked out of the show in Santa Cruz I was emceeing for and made an attempt that landed me in the psych ward for a week.

I did write a play there in the notebook they gave us. A friend I made in the unit gave me the title. If I ever make a Patreon or something I'll put it up there because it's good but it's too painful to ever hear aloud.

Listen. Please listen. Lean in close like we're children sharing a secret.

Suffering isn't cool. It is not helpful. It. Will. Not. Help. You. Not in relationships, not in life, especially not in art. Do not make an identity out of pain that you can get ease or erase entirely. If you are an artist with ANY sort of neurodivergence, you do not have the luxury to be the picture of the Tortured Artist.

Mania shows through artistic pursuit. Same with depression. Same with anger and delusion. But people expect artists to be weird and a little unstable and edgy, so what's the problem?

The problem is I'm dying. The problem is that I could've died. The problem is that so many other artists have.

Writing can still be hard. You can write something that's painful. But if your writing is always hard, always painful, always lonely and doubtful and you never walk away feeling proud of yourself - something is wrong. You need to reframe the way you think about yourself in relationship to your art. This is not an option. The alternatives are that you either don't make art, or you make a few works that some people might find so amazing that they talk about how much of a shame it was that you died early.

A few brave people have shared their writing with me and I've been thrilled and impressed. I'm seeing things that should be on bookshelves. I'm looking up short story journals and practically begging them to submit. To them, to you, to me, and to Miranda, I say this:

Your craft is your heart. It can feel, but it doesn't have to break to be worthy. People don't study the tragic greats because they were drunk and high and mean, they study them because they had a beautiful heart and it is an immense loss that it was shattered so soon. Please don't become another tragedy. Please find a way to listen to your craft and your body with sympathy and tenderness.

Please? For me?

#writeblr #writers on tumblr #writing community #writing #on writing #authors of tumblr #queer writers #queer artists #young writer #young artist #oof what a ramble haha

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saltwaterburns · 4 months

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VERY EXPLICIT DETAILS AND DESCRIPTIONS OF MY FEELINGS AFTER FINISHING "THE EMPTY GRAVE"

I tabbed 5 pages: blue for 347, red for 354, green for 385, orange for 415 and yellow for the very last one

i. Lockwood tells Lucy about the blue sapphire necklace his dad got for his mum as a "symbol of his undying devotion".

I was listening to Radiohead for most of the book, and this scene in particular was very dear to me because "Weird Fishes/ Arpeggi" is almost most definitely Lockwood's song. Like. Everybody leaves when they get the chance to, but Lucy won't. Lucy is back here and he's with him and they're standing side by side and he nearly can't get the words out of his mouth that's gone incredibly dry but somehow he's telling her about the necklace in his palm and his mind is racing while thinking about how pretty it'd look against her supple skin. He's almost about to give it to her, his mouth is open but the words die in his throat because Kipps is leaning over the doorway and telling them that Winkman is here and now he might die and she might never really know about his feelings for her but it's okay, because she'll live. He'll make sure she'll live.

ii. "But, if anything, I had my eye on someone else."

"Good God, you don't mean George?"

"You must know there are other possibilities in this world."

Sweet, darling girl Holly and her unrecruited wlw crush. Sweet, darling Holly who was squealing on the inside whenever she caught a glance of Lucy, her glowing skin and twinkling eyes and bright hair. Sweet, darling girl Holly who couldn't help the mean words that sometimes spilled from her lips because God forbid anyone realised what actually might hide under those longing glances.

iii. Lucy and her pet Skully but Skully is being TAKEN AWAY and they're having an angsty goodbye.

I'm pretty sure I actually cried during this scene. As much as she hates to admit it, she's so fond of Skull and his company and she's so used to his vile, unannounced jokes and comments that when he's being taken away from her, her heart literally stops, even though she isn't in the living world anymore. We only realise what we have until we've lost it, and this quote fits here perfectly. Sure, she hates him and his comments are unneeded and he never helps her, but they can't just take him away, can they?

iv. "Marissa came by?" Lockwood asked. "Was she alone?"

"Hey, Lucy asks the questions around here," the youth said. "You can't just barge in and take over like you're the leader or something? Where's your respect?"

Bonus - Skull telling the Clapham Butcher Boy to "find his own human"

I GIGGLED SO LOUD. He's so emotionally dependent on her. Find your own goddamn human, fish face!! That's right!! He's my favourite character. Nothing intellectual to talk about here, it just made me smile really big.

v. She hung the symbol of Lockwood's father's undying devotion to his mother around. Her. Neck. Cause. Locky. Gave. It. To. Her.

CAN YOU HEAR MY SCREAMS AND SOBS? Oh my God, where do I even start? During the entirety of those 5 books, they've always ran and someone's been hunting them down and Penelope was always breathing over their shoulder but not anymore. They'll still take on dangerous jobs and get into little quarrels with Barnes but now Kipps and Flo are also part of their little 35 Portland Row agency. They'll still be in danger every day because that's just what their job requires but it's different because Lucy's got that little gemstone around her neck and it might not mean anything to simple onlookers but all the love and light that's ever been gathered in it is now shining upon her. It's casting a little golden halo around her head and it's all okay because even when death is looking them in the eye, they'll look at each other and nod and everything will be okay.

This is it! Thank you for reading my little rambles. I don't know how I'll ever recover, because 35 Portland Row will eternally be etched to my heart. As my favourite singer once sung, there'll always be a chamber in my heart dedicated to those three and all their little hooligan friends and the shenanigans they got into.

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iwishiwasfictionalblogs · 9 months

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So I finished good omens season 2 last night at like 4am and idk if its cause of tiredness or cause I acc dodged every spoiler like an expert acrobats but...the final scene. I didnt see it coming. Not from a mile away.

Look I don't care that we got Nina and Maggie who are basically a mirror of Azi and Crowley. (Also so much to say how Ninas abusive relationship is basically Azi with heaven but anyway)

I also don't care that Azi and Crowley have basically been married since Eden. Nothing...and I mean nothing, physically prepared me for that finale.

Years of queerbaiting have desensitised me to hope of any kind. Genuinely even when all the signs were pointing to a confession, as soon as Azi went first and started talking bout heaven I thought that was it. Crowely is gonna crawl back into his shell.

BUT NO HE HE DIDNT. HE STILL SAID IT. and god can I say how incredibly brave that is. Like I'm so proud of him for saying ANYTHING. Like I get us as an audience think it's obvious and woulda been frustrated if he didn't and we are frustrated with how it went but. Honestly with the set up the boy was given I don't think HE for one second even remotely thought this confession was gonna go well. He had like the tiniest smidge of hope that was...of course crushed and burned. But. God I'm proud of him for saying something. And then standing his ground and not going with the man he loves even though it hurts cause going back to heaven would hurt more.

Anyway needless to say my jaw was ON THE GROUND for the kiss. Absolutely unhinged. My jaw hurt but I was so flabbergasted. I didnt know what to do with myself. It came outta nowhere in my mind even tho in traditional media it had obviously been building up to that I was still so...wow. This show. 2023. I love you.

Given this after the gift that was our flag means death. I dont know if I'll ever emotionally recover. Also I'm so not used to this idk what to do now. Do I go read fanfic? I mean..yes always but. Its canon. I almost wanna save myself for canon even though season 3 isn't confirmed. Idk if I have enough patience for that tho.

#this has been my good omens rant #yes i have so much more to say #but this is enough that maybe i can stop thinking avout it for 2 sconds to go about my day #i have work and all i will be thinking about is this gay show i...#time to play it on loop in the background so amzon will give us a new season and start paying their writers and actors #the way if i had the money i would fund this show myself.#welcome to my personality for the next couple months #i have never been more mad i am missing comic con than i am this year #good omens #good omens season 2 #good omens spoilers #spoilers #aziraphale ziraphale fell #aziraphale #aziraphale x crowley #crowely #anthony j crowley #season finale

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lizzie-dude · 5 days

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I've been trying to figure out why I didn't like the sun and the star for a while now and I think I finally get it, so here are my useless ramblings.

Rick Riordan's books have always been silly and full of jokes, and they've always had cute fluffy romance moments, but there have also always been sacrifices. In the first five books, people die. A lot of people. You obviously know that camp half-blood is going to win the titan war, but while reading it you're worried about individual characters, because it's been shown that important characters can die. There are stakes. The heroes of olympus had a lot less death, but they were equally full of depressing moments and serious topics. Leo remembering his mother's death, what happened with Frank's grandma, Percy and Annabeth being separated for six months, what happened with Reyna's family, Percy and Annabeth falling into tartarus, Nico's scene with Cupid, Bob being left behind, and probably a lot of other things I'm forgetting. There was tragedy, there was sacrifice, the books could be serious when they wanted to be. Even in the trials of Apollo, which were much more full of jokes and references, tried to balance it out with Jason's death.

To me, tsats didn't have any moments like that. I knew throughout the whole book that Will wouldn't be left behind in the underworld and that Bob would be rescued. It didn't feel like there were any stakes at all. Not only was there no sense of loss, or even the possibility of loss, but it practically erased some of the tragic moments from other books. I can't feel the same sense of tragedy rereading Bob's sacrifice now, because I know he just gets taken home and none of it mattered anyway. That part of House of Hades was emotionally impactful because you thought he was never coming back; Bob gave his life and his freedom for his friends and that's what made the moment beautiful. But all of that is just...undone. So is Nico's trauma. I get that Rick was doing the whole "your problems will always be a part of you, but you can still learn to live with them" thing, but the way Nico's issues were resolved still feels incredibly shallow to me. To take years of pain and loneliness and heartbreak, to take the feelings of a kid who lost his mother and his sister, who's dad never truly loved him, who was ostracized from the only society he knew, who only found company among the dead, who had feelings he had been told all his life were wrong, who loved someone that could never love him back, who faced the depths of Tartarus, who lost his closest friend after he had only begun to heal, to take that kid's feelings and turn them into cute little fluffy balls feels so freaking insensitive I can hardly put it into words. Trauma can be healed, it can be recovered from, it can be lived with, but it can't just be turned into something sweet and wholesome.

Idk if I explained all of this right, I was trying to articulate how I felt. You can agree or disagree.

#the sun and the star #tsats #pjo tsats #Rick riordan #Rick Riordan critical #riordan #riordanverse #riordan books #Riordan universe #pjo #pjo hoo toa tsats #rrverse #book crit #book critique #book criticism

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chaoticdelinqueerwithglitter · 5 months

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Red Snow (KakuIza oneshot)

Wow, I can't believe I finally finished this!

This was actually sitting on my drafts for half a year. The idea came at me when I started wondering what if some characters start to slowly remember other timelines? And bam, KakuIza appeared to me. Tragic as always, but asking with puppy eyes if I could give them happiness (or show it, since technically the canon already did this). I had it all wrote except the last scene because apparently the angst comes easily at me (no surprises here, oops)

But Tenjiku being animated and knowing what we'll see in a few week... Yeah, I needed to end this and fix that mess.

(link to ao3 in case some one preferes to read it there)

Summary: Maybe the snow was the last tribute from heaven to this king who died too young trying to protect his servant. After that day, every time it snows, Kakucho couldn't do anything but look at the snow, the bloody red snow that seemed to be everywhere. Now, the red is gone. Izana is there. The snow makes Kakucho happy again.

Warnings: Manga Spoilers. Angst with happy ending (with a lot of angst before the happiness) and depressed Kakucho (who could blame him?)

Notes: This is canon compilant, from Kakucho's POV (so keep in mind that any opinion on another character is Kakucho's, not mine, I love them all). The italic parts are Kakucho's memories, I hope it makes sense how I organized, since it's not chronologically, it only makes sense emotionally. If saying this makes sense at all.

English is not my first language, so be nice please! :)

Kakucho has been wanting to see that smile for so long that he can't even remember when he started to miss it. Or maybe it's the excruciating pain in his shoulder, which doesn't allow him to remember properly. All that he knows is that suddenly it's here, a real smile on Izana's face, lighting everything up. He can't stop looking, even if some part of his brain detects all the chaos and screams around them, Kakucho only has eyes for him, for his king and this smile that it's making the world shine again for a few seconds.

He thinks his yelling, but he's unable to focus in anything other than Izana bleeding next to him, correcting his servant once more “Our era”. The king keeps talking to Mikey, but Kakucho doesn't know what he's saying anymore, the last words still hitting his brain, his ears, his whole body. “I'm sorry Kakucho, but you're all that I have”.

As Izana's hand begins to get colder his servant is still caught up in those words “All that I have”. So Kakucho close his eyes, more than willing to follow his king one last time. He's not going to left him alone, not now, not ever. The last coherent thoughts that cross his mind is that this is his fault, for wishing too much, wanting too much. He never would have wished to see Izana's real smile again if he had known the price.

He's still able to see the snow before everything goes dark (or feel, he's not sure of his own senses any more). It's ironic,they used to love the snow, now it seems like the universe is mocking on them. Or maybe it's not, maybe the snow is the last tribute from heaven to this king who died too young trying to protect his servant.

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Kakucho wakes up in the hospital. The doctors say that he's going to recover, like that's good news. They are not, not for him. He survived, again. Nothing makes sense, he doesn't feel alive, so... How is it possible? He wants to die, he doesn't understand, his live is meaningless, just a servant. Kakucho hates himself for surviving, he should have died protecting his king, not the other way around.

None of this matters, his feelings are not important, he can't go back to being selfish, getting caught up in his own desires. He knows that he has to keep living, Izana died for him to live. 'Why? Why Izana? Why you never show how important I was to you when we still had time? Why did you leave me? Why am I the only one stuck with our regrets? Why?'

He needs to stop thinking, there is no point in doing so. Izana exchanged his own life for Kakucho's, so he knows he has to keep living. Even tough he is already dead.

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Every time it snows, is the same. It doesn't matter if Izana is already in middle school, as soon as he sees the first flakes he starts running looking for Kakucho, ready to drag him under the snow again. It's a miracle how he's able to contain all this excitement until he finds his friend (his servant) when he's actually jumping trough the corridors.

Of course, Kakucho follows him, pretending to complain about the cold. He doesn't pretend too hard, it's not like he's even trying to hide his smile. Or like the cold matters, when Izana is still taking his hand while they keep running until being outside.

Kakucho didn't care about the snow before, now he loves it. Or maybe he loves how the older boy's face seems to glow when he smiles at it. He knows that Izana isn't exactly the happiest kid around, so he treasures every second when he can have his friend acting like this, without masks or titles between them. Just two friends playing in the snow.

They always play outside for hours, never bothered by the rest of the kids, probably too busy hiding inside the building from the cold. Kakucho thinks they are idiots, they don't know anything. For him, the snow is a reminder of that warm feeling inside him, that thing he felt the first time they played like this. It was almost freezing inside their igloo, but all the ice went away when Izana said those words “Our kingdom”. The younger kid doesn't understand why, he only knows that for a second he felt like the most important person on the entire planet ( besides Izana, of course ), the previous cold forgotten and replaced by warmth within his chest.

Suddenly, a snowball kicks him and he realizes that Izana has already started the fight. He was lost in his own thoughts, so obviously Izana is cheating. Again. He sighs and starts making his own ammunition. 'Some things never change, right?'

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The world lost his color that day. Now everything looks gray, like if someone repainted it with a monochrome palette during the time that Kakucho was in the hospital. The apartment is worse, because he can still see where the colors are supposed to be, like a shadow from the past. He can still see the guitar by the window, where Izana used to play it. The tropical fish, now his only roommate.

It's a really small apartment, the only one that Izana could afford at that time, when he came back to the orphanage just for rescue him ( actually it was more an scape than a rescue, but they didn't care about that ). When his king went to juvie he promised that he wouldn't forget about Kakucho. And he didn't, because Izana never lied to him. 'He just kept too many things inside, but he never lied, how ironic is that?'

He didn't have time to miss the colors, because one day starts snowing. Kakucho was walking towards the convenience store when the first flakes began to fall. Suddenly he can't breathe, he can't move, he can't think. He can't do anything but look at the snow, the bloody red snow that's everywhere. 'Red. That's not supposed to be red. Why is the snow red? Where does all this blood come from? Fuck, fuck, fuck!'

Kakucho doesn't know how he manage to run until he's safely back home, safe from the memories that come true with every flake of snow. From that day on, he avoids going outside in the snow. So he stays in this apartment full of ghosts, the ghosts of colors, forever gone from his world. The ghost of Izana filling every corner, reminding him that he must keep living.

---------------------------------------

Apparently Izana made new friends in juvie. He doesn't know how he feels about it, but it's weird trying to imagine Izana making friends. Until his king explains how he made them. 'Oh, that checks.'

“Why are you doing this face? Are you jealous or what?”

Izana says that with a smirk in his face, his obviously teasing him but for some reason the younger boy still feel that something is off.

“Come on servant, don't be such a pain in the ass, I beat them for you, the least you can do is be grateful, don't you think?”

“For me?”

Kakucho doesn't understand what that is supposed to mean.

“Yeah, you're going to lead our army, remember? I wasn't going to let you lead an army of weaklings.”

And with that, he puts a hand on Kakucho's head, ruffling his hair on the process. An obvious sign that the conversation is over and, once again, his servant will follow him with a smile.

When Kakucho finally meets this new friends, he can only think that they're all idiots. Well, except for Mutto, he likes Mutto because he's calm and quiet, he always knows his place or when it's better to shut up. Shion is the complete opposite, he never knows when to shut up or stop moving. To be honest, Kakucho thinks that Shion probably can't do any of that. Mochi is just another idiot, with less energy than Shion, but the same amount of brains. The Haitani brothers are their own category. 'This two aren't just idiots. They are idiots and weirdos.'

Time passed and Kakucho still thinks the Haitanis are weirdos, but he actually likes having them around. They always show up with some expensive and extravagant gift, as if money is nothing to the rulers of Roppongi. Today they bring some delicious cakes, as always they remembered to buy a portion of Kakucho's favorite. He knows Ran is the one who paid attention to these tinny details, he can't help but act like a big brother.

But the cake is not the reason why Kakucho likes them. It's not the only reason, at least. No, Izana is the real reason. Every time the Haitani brothers are there the white haired boy looks happy. Of course, he doesn't show it, so sometimes he seems amused, entertained or even pissed off as if he's about to lose his already little patience. But Kakucho knows him better, he knows that Izana is happier when the weirdos are here. So before he realizes, the four of them are friends. Well, maybe one king and three friends.

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It's being a few months since the Kanto Incident. He doesn't know how many, because time stopped making any kind of sense for Kakucho since his reason to live disappeared. He didn't realize how much time had past until one day when he hears an annoying knock at his door. A really annoying knock that doesn't go away forcing him to open the damn door.

Of course, when he opens the door, the Haitani brothers are there. He should had know, but he really wasn't aware that they were already out.

“Kakuchooooo, I know you missed me, so stop making that grumpy face and be a good host!”

Ran looks exactly the same, still talks like he's teasing at you with every word. After all that time, he still brings cake, Kakucho's favorite.

“Come one, let us in already, I was about to pick the lock.”

Yeah, that's Rindou's way of showing that he was worried. Still the same weirdos. So obviously, he lets them in.

Before he understands what's going on, he's sitting at the table with one brother at each side of him, eating cake and talking nonsense. And he's smiling, even laughing at times with their most absurd anecdotes. The scene is so familiar, so comfortable, it's almost like nothing has changed. 'Almost.'

Kakucho doesn't know what happened, but suddenly finds himself unable to breath. He tries, he really tries, because he doesn't want to break in front of anyone. But they aren't just anyone, they have cake and comfort words “Breathe, it's ok Kakucho, we know” and “We're here now, you are not alone anymore”.

So he breaks, he let himself cry in front of these weirdos that share his pain, his lost. In front of what's left of his family, what's left of all that happiness that he doesn't even remember how it felt. He doesn't realize that all this time he has been gripping his necklace, the one with a hanafuda image that they know all too well. The one that used to be one of Izana's earrings.

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Kakucho would never know how they knew it. The Haitanis always seem to have a sixth sense or something, because they show up unannounced like they always did. The strange thing is that they seem to know that this time Izana is going to welcome them, without beatings or cruel words. They seem to sense that their king is starting to get better and he can't be more thankful, hoping that maybe this is what Izana needs.

He's not wrong, but he's also not right. Izana isn't quiet there most of the time, but at least he eats, talks and even has a smile sometimes. It's not he's real smile, his eyes don't show any emotions, it still looks unhinged. But even if it's a weird smile, he does it more when the brothers are there, so Kakucho thinks that's good. 'He just needs more time, that's all, this has to be a good sign, right? Yep, one day he will really smile again, I'm sure.'

Kakucho definitely likes having the Haitani brothers around. They are more than friends, they are family.

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Kakucho didn't want to follow South, he only have one king and he will never betray him. He ends up in Rokuhara after that monster beats the shit out of him, but that doesn't mean his loyal to that gang. He put his life ( and his heart ) in the hands of another man a long time ago.

It's actually much easier than he expected, being back in this live, the fights, the adrenaline. Maybe that is all he knows how to do or maybe he doesn't even care anymore, but this makes him feel a little bit more alive than spending day after day hiding in his apartment with only ghosts and a fish for company.

It's different with Mikey and so familiar at the same time that he feels on edge. Every time that he's in a Kanto Manji meeting he has to control himself or he would freak out ( unconsciously grasping his necklace trying to calm down ).

Looking at Mikey gets him deja-vu. Really bad deja-vu, if he has to be honest.

The invincible is falling, Kakucho can see him fall into the darkness, exactly as he saw before. That's what scares him most, that he already learned how this ends. But he can't run away ( even if sometimes that's all that he wants ). Kakucho can't run away because he knows, he doesn't know how he knows, but he knows Izana wouldn't want him to leave Mikey. Or maybe he's just projecting, trying to fix the past by fixing the present.

“You can't save him.”

Of course he has been noticing the look in the older Haitani's face, he's obviously worried, but he didn't expect that. He wasn't prepared for that.

“What?”

“You can't save Mikey, not from himself. Stop it, you need to start thinking about what do you want for a while.”

There is more, things that Ran never says, but Kakucho listens anyway. The unspoken words keep floating around them 'You can't save him, the same way that you couldn't save Izana.'

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At the beginning, Kakucho was happy of seeing Izana taking care of himself again. Starting to be open to people, to life, once more.

Now, he's just worried. Really worried. He realized that Izana's only motor is revenge, that he's getting really obsessed with Mikey. Izana is falling into darkness, a little bit more every day. His smiles are not real, his beautiful purple eyes never catch up with them. He looks deranged, completely unhinged every time that he starts talking about his revenge plans.

Kakucho knows that, but he'll follow him anyway. He'll follow Izana because he just wants to see him happy again and if this revenge is what it takes, he'll follow his king. Izana isn't drinking and sleeping all day anymore, so he hopes that maybe, he just needs time for smiling again. A real smile, like before. If Kakucho have to follow him to hell for being able to see this smile once more, he'll do it happily.

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It's even worst the day that Rindou finally snaps, just before the battle with Toman 2nd Generation. They're alone, just trying to keep themselves entertained with some video game, trying very hard ( and failing ) not to think about tomorrow.

“Who do you think will die?”

It's just a whisper, so he wants to ignore it, pretending that he didn't hear it until he turns around and sees Rindou's face.

“No one, this time no one is going to die.”

He doesn't believe it, of course, not after watching how Mikey almost killed Takemichi of all people. But he's trying to comfort the other, and probably himself.

“You don't believe that, don't fuck with me!”

Then he realizes. Rindou fucking Haitani is panicking right now, he's having a panic attack and Kakucho doesn't know what to do. So he just keeps listening, hoping that helps. He's definitely not prepared for the next words.

“I... I've been having nightmares since that day, you know? What if... What if Ran tries to protect me like Izana did with you? What if... This time Ran... Shit, I can't even say it out loud, I'm fucking pathetic! But how am I supposed to keep living if that happen? How you keep living with that?”

Kakucho really, really doesn't want to answer that, but he's never seen the younger Haitani like this before, he knows he deserves an answer. He also knows that the only one he can give is not going to help.

“You don't.”

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Kakucho is dying. He knows he is dying, he knows that Sanzu's katana cut is too deep, that there is no way that he could survive this time. He's okay with the idea of his own death, he always thought that the last two years were a cruel and extra time.

But he can't, he can't die yet. Kakucho needs to stop this damn train, he needs to do it or a lot more people is going to die. Not just people, his friends. Shion, Mochi, Takemichi. Not just people, his family. Ran. Rindou. The last survivors of the broken family they had once. The last two people in this whole planet that still remember Izana with affection. Kakucho can't let this happen, he can't let them die without trying until his last breath.

That's when he sees him. Izana.

Izana is here, Kakucho can feel him, he can feel his warm presence by his side once again. He doesn't even have time to think what's happening, when he listens Izana's voice.

“You're still as reckless as ever. Well, that's what makes you, you.”

Izana smiles and puts his hand in top of Kakucho's own hand. He can feel Izana's strength going through his body.

“I'll help you out, Kakucho.”

Just like that, they are able to stop the train. Together, like they always should be. They did it, they saved their family. And now, Kakucho is finally letting go, allowing himself to die. He's not afraid anymore, he's just happy that he could see Izana one last time. He's dying, but he's dying with a warm smile. Kakucho is finally reunited with the love of his live.

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Kakucho never knew when he started to feel that for Izana. Maybe it was always there, maybe his feelings just changed and grew into something different at the same time that he was growing. But he could pinpoint without any doubt the exact moment when he realized that he was in love with his king.

The day that he saw him “better” again after Shinichiro's death. Izana just cut his hair and wanted to do a big entrance with his new Tenjiku's uniform. He was showing it to Kakucho, his arms opened and allowing him to see the whole view. His earrings dancing with him again every time he moved.

Kakucho knew it. Like and instant revelation, he felt that he just found the missing piece of a puzzle that he didn't even realized he was doing. Kakucho was doomed.

He wanted too much, he couldn't ask that from the older boy, but he still couldn't avoid it. He wouldn't ask, he'll keep following him until the end, just like always. He was sure that be by Izana's side will be enough. At that time, he thought this was the best decision, he still didn't knew that never confessing his feelings to Izana will be his last regret.

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Kakucho opens his eyes, looking around and feeling completely disoriented. He's laying on a king size bed, the other side showing signs that some one was sleeping here too. He touches his chest, not understanding why there isn't a wound there. A scar, at least. But nothing.

Suddenly, he realizes that his necklace is not there. He's about to panic, thinking that he lost Izana's earring forever. Until he hears it, a soft voice calling his name. The sound of footsteps entering the room.

The scarred boy wants to punch himself, because this can't be. But he recognizes this voice, he would recognizes this particular footsteps anywhere.

“Kakucho? Are you awake or are you going to start acting like Ran and sleep forever?”

Izana enters the room, looking even more ethereal than ever. A smug face and playful tone. But he looks... Older. It's subtle, little details than some one who didn't know him as his servant does, wouldn't notice. But Kakucho does it. His king looks exactly like he kept growing up during the last two years.

“I-Izana? Are you real?”

Is just a whisper, he's too afraid that if he talks, he would break this illusion, this dream. But it's more than enough for Izana's face changes into one of worry, quickly sitting on the bed by Kakucho's side, a gentle hand on his forehead.

“Are you okay? You look sick... I can call Manjiro and tell him we can't go to the lunch this week.”

Izana's voice is so soft, his tone of concern so genuine, his warm hand on Kakucho's face so comforting... That he breaks. He starts crying like a little kid, hugging him, clinging onto him like his life depended on it (it does).

“Kakucho? Kakucho, look at me.”

A gentle touch on his chin forces him to look directly into Izana's eyes. An intense gaze staring directly at him, trying to analyze what the hell is happening. The hand moving softly to wipe his tears. But there's something in those violet eyes, something different. Like they had less walls, as if the usual storm that Kakucho always saw on them was calmer.

So, without even thinking about it, Kakucho just says the words. No more regrets.

"I love you, Izana.”

He whispers, before talking again, this time more firmly.

“I love you. So you can't die, because I love you. You have to promise to me that you'll not die."

Izana stares at him, a puzzled look on his face. 'Well, that's not the worst reaction ever, right?'

"I know that, idiot. We've been dating for almost a year now, you don't need to act so fucking intense about it. What the hell is wrong with you today?”

The words sound blunt, but there's so much affection behind them, that Kakucho just melts with it. Specially, when Izana ruffles his hair. A small gesture that says a lot more.

And that's when he finally gets it. This gesture, all the gentle touches, all the non-verbal things that his king is saying... They aren't new. It was always there. This was always Izana's love language. It was always there. But Kakucho never understood until now, because he never thought he deserved this love.

“Nothing. Nothing is wrong, Izana.”

He answers, a bright smile on his face. Feeling lighter than ever. Of course, the older boy is not buying it, an interrogation look on his eyes. Kakucho just laughs at this, throwing his head like a little kid, unable to content so much happiness. So much life.

Until he looks through the windows and he sees it. It's starting to snow outside.

“It's snowing.”

Izana's whole expression changes with this words. His face lighting up with excitement. A genuine smile on it.

A real smile. One that makes Kakucho notices that this time, he can actually see the snow. The red is gone. Izana is there, holding his hand and smiling at him. Looking ethereal but at the same time, so real. So tangible. So alive.

The red is gone.

Izana is there.

The snow makes Kakucho happy again.

#me writing🌻#tokyo revengers #izana kurokawa #kakucho #kakuiza #s62 being a found family because i say so #haitani brothers #s62 generation #tokyo revengers fic #oneshot #tokyo revengers spoilers #in my tenjiku depression era #i blame tenjiku for the angst #i made myself cry #i broke my own heart #final timeline #angst with a happy ending #hurt/comfort #canon compatible

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shortpplfedup · 1 year

Text

Chapter 7: My Heart Represents the Moon

Wrecked. This show has absolutely fucking wrecked me. Like...ITSAY/IPYTM-level wrecked. I'm never going to recover. Jam comes to town, and Ms. Hong departs in the absolute saddest episode of the entire series, yet you're still left with a sense of hope amidst the wreckage.

Khaotung motherfucking Thanawat y'all. Gaipa gives us the full range of human emotion this week, from joking with Leng about how he feels sad for Jim losing out on him, to having a full on breakdown as he sings 'The Moon Represents My Heart' at Ms. Hong's cremation. I absolutely knew how talented Khaotung is, but honestly he blew me away this episode. You could feel the layers of sadness as Ms. Hong's sudden death piles up on top of Jim's rejection. The moment Gaipa comes out of the hospital room to tell Jim, Leng and Li Ming that Ms. Hong is gone...I don't think I've ever seen a more accurate depiction of that kind of moment in all of cinema. The way he can't even comprehend it, then can't say it, then it tumbles out and he just crumples...honestly every time I was on the verge of being okay Gaipa would break down again and I would be in shambles. I don't go in much for hyperbole so when I tell you that this is an award-winning performance, know how sincerely I mean that.

Jam's unannounced arrival stirs all kinds of pots over at Jim's house, as Jim finally decides to discuss the New Year's kiss he witnessed with Li Ming at the worst possible time and in the worst possible way, not knowing Jam was there and could hear them. Jim's struggle to accept Li Ming's sexuality is threaded throughout the episode. Jim and Li Ming (of course) fight about it. Then Jim tries to discuss it with Jam calmly but of course that's a fraught conversation because Jam's comments about his own sexuality live rent-free in Jim's head, along with the ghost of Beam's betrayal. Jim eventually seeks Wen's advice, which is a biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiig step forward for him, and of course Wen gently chides him, telling him literally all the things he already knows intellectually but doesn't feel emotionally: that Li Ming being gay isn't a bad thing, that Li Ming isn't gay because of Jim's influence, and that yes, the world might be harder on him because he's gay, but that doesn't mean he can't have a good life. Eventually, Jim and Li Ming settle into a new normal where Jim can tease Li Ming about 'trying' Heart and liking him, and Li Ming can tease Jim back about minding his own business.

The other pot Jam stirs is Li Ming's very presence at Jim's house, as she wants to take him back north with her. Whether Li Ming came to live with Jim before Beam died or after I'm not sure (he may have been with his grandparents before coming to Jim, he mentioned living apart from his mother for '5 or 6 years' and Beam only died 4 years ago), but he's been with Jim for years at this point. Jim has essentially been the one raising him. But Jam's stable now, she's about to get married, to a man with some means, and she wants to try to be a mother again and provide for her son. Jim, surprisingly, tries asking Li Ming what he wants rather than telling him what it's going to be, and the ensuing conversation is a new direction for them, a first stab at a new kind of communication. And we discover that as much as he and Jim fight and argue, Li Ming is clear about who he considers as his parent. As he tells Jim, he's not sure how he feels about his mother, but he knows he loves his uncle.

Jim continues his softening and opening up to Wen, essentially admitting to him that he wants him around, but he's still not quite sure of what that means for them in the future. That sniff kiss Jim gives Wen, aside from somehow being the hottest sniff kiss I've ever seen, is a promise of a kind; it says 'give me time, but yes'.

Side Dishes

I know that Alan/Gaipa scene will make a lot of folks happy.

Alan releasing Wen from the responsibility of taking care of him was hard to watch. He's so sad, and seeing Wen immediately meet Jim as he drives away makes him even sadder. Awww, you'll be ok Alan!

Ms. Hong seems to have left Gaipa a very rich man. I think I have some idea of what he's going to do with that.

Heart's parents finally starting to learn sign...they're trying to make amends and reconnect with their son, and Heart seems to be really happy about that.

Li Ming not making the slightest move to help his mom with her bag at any point was a clear indication of his feelings.

Li Ming not understanding how his mom could have loved his dad and also love her new husband, because she loves them differently is so perfectly, preciously young of him.

So Beam's parents stole everything Jim had except the damn car after Beam's death, and they could do that because Jim had no legal protections as Beam's partner, and Beam put nothing in place for him. He LITERALLY had to start from scratch when Beam died. I think we've finally found some villains in this piece. Also Thai BL continues its marriage equality push.

Jim is FINALLY gonna close that damn diner and I'm happy and sad at the same time. Him deciding not to buy the place and also cancelling the lease is him finally taking a step forward into his life after Beam.

Finale tomorrow! What the hell am I gonna do when this show is over?

#moonlight chicken #midnight series: moonlight chicken #the moon is beautiful tonight #bl meta series

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