#im sorry it hurts. i really am. but hurting and guilting others isn't the way to cope. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

starflungwaddledee · 8 months

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Okay you gave me permission so now it's time to go fully autistic

*inhale*

So something I'm really interested in (mostly for my Bandee x Marx bias) is that comic with Marx and Bandee interacting, like, what's their relationship in this au, how'd they get to that point and heck, what was even happening? also it kinda seems like Bandee may be the main guy in this au or is just really important which makes me happy as Bandee isn't treated the best by Nintendo at all (hell, Sakrai said he didn't add Bandee into smash because he didn't like him) so seeing Bandee get the spotlight always brings me joy

And about the Meta and Galacta comic, it seems like Bandee plays a factor here too, with the mention of him being what gets the most reaction out of Meta and that makes sense because canonically Bandee is the weakest of the four and most likely to die quite easily, so it would make sense for the others to be protective of him

ALSO META BEING SEALED AWAY AND GALACTA SAYING HE'LL TAKE GOOD CARE OF, I'M ASSUMING BANDEE, DOES THAT MEAN GALACTA TAKES META'S PLACE??? HELLO???

anyway hi im really invested and also your art is fucking astounding

hell yea, fully autistic! the best kind of message! thank you also for the sweet words about my artwork ahhh! but hoo boy isn't this The Ask Ever. okay, let's get into it!

Bandee is, i think maybe obviously, my most specialist little guy ever and everything i make is likely about him in one way or another. so you're correct that he is indeed the main guy in both these AUs; he is the central protagonist which i think he deserves!!

(but he does also go through the angst blender a bit, just like... a warning. i adore happy endings but before that i do tend to meat-grind my faves pretty well in the drama machine.)

clockwork heart is actually a spin-off of awtdy (we do a little AU-ception in my household) which is our* primary au. (*a lot of my au work and headcanons are fleshed out very collaboratively with my girlfriend! the initial concept for awtdy was her idea, which i then very meanly shoved my bandee-important agenda into lmao)

awtdy sets this basic alternate world-state: during the Haltmann invasion, Galacta Knight defeats Meta Knight in battle and makes a wish on Star Dream to trade places.

this causes all sorts of terrible fun problems for everybody and basically gives rise to a bad timeline that a lot of folks do not come out of intact (rip floralia)

the Meta Knight vs Galacta Knight comic covers an important turning point in the story, where Meta Knight lets slip that he cares about Bandee the way he cares for Kirby. Meta Knight has an especially strong reaction to this for two reasons:

one is because, as you said, of the three remaining heroes Bandee is the most vulnerable-- seasoned and experienced fighter he may be, but against someone like Galacta Knight? 💦 he's still ultimately just a mortal dude. this obviously puts him at terrible risk, because Galacta Knight also considers him far more expendable than Kirby.

"i'll take good care of him" is transparently a threat and not actually... you know, kind.

secondly is because (unbeknownst to Galacta Knight) Bandee uniquely remembers Meta Knight. he knows that the timeline is screwed up and Galacta Knight is not meant to be there, and is actively working to rescue his real dad mentor. Meta Knight knows that if he's found out, Galacta Knight won't hesitate to kill him.

suffice to say the guilt of this would drive him capital i Insane!

as for the Marx "hurt like hell" comic, I am actually sorry to have to tell you that that scene is their first ever interaction in this au! 😂 in this alternate version of the story Marx is also aware of the timeline fuckery (due to his existence as an eldritch, temporal little creature) and he tracks Bandee down late in the game with a risky trade offer; which Bandee refuses. that's what's pictured in the comic!

it goes on for quite a long ways after that; though I don't know if it'll tickle your ship dynamic quite right because Marx is mildly antagonistic towards Bandee (and everyone) the whole time. so while they are cursed to be Stuck Together By The Narrative they are not really close or even particularly friendly.

they do indeed interact in it quite a lot, and I personally think Marx would gladly shoot his shot if he was offered it; but Bandee is neck-deep in a different ship for the entirety of awtdy and is especially miserable/pining as hell throughout clockwork heart.

but that's okay because Bandee is, uh-- totally fine!! he's normal. he's fine. he's very very fine and things will be very very okay.

#hopefully this last lil doodle is not too dark?#wanted to give u something for your marxdee needs bc i feel like i'm letting a fellow bandee rarepair shipper down 😭#watch me skirt actually dropping my rarepair tho. even rarer than marxdee apparently!#anyway thank you so so much for this ask and your interest?! blew my mind that anyone cared even a little bit about the stuff i'm making <3 #my art #bandana waddle dee #awtdy au #clockwork heart au #asks #cw angst #cw blood

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allsadnshit · 2 years

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it's truly difficult to remember you owe yourself love and understanding when you are going through lots of big and painful things in life! i used to think "as long as i am the only one getting hurt then it's fine" cause i considered myself nothing and everyone else something. i have gone really back and forth with my perspective and coping skills of big break ups, friends or romantic, and i feel like i am just not learning the middle ground between "wow if this person and i are breaking up then they must be so toxic and abusive so who cares fuck them anyways" and "i am not allowed to be angry i need to be peaceful and kind i should try harder to see their perspective or else i am deserving of these bad things" which are two perspectives that have done nothing for my healing or process.

i think maybe the biggest thing im learning about myself is that communication can't be replaced by anything else. you need to hear it straight from people just as much as they need to understand you too! there's definitely a limit on how helpful communication is without the necessary other things like action and reflection etc but i used to think "this isn't even worth saying or hearing" whenever i was faced with something hard and that's just not true.

i had a therapy session recently where i tried to play off an interaction with an old boss as "id rather just not talk with him than say what he did bothered me" and my therapist immediately called me out on the avoidance and lack of follow through on my own boundaries and feelings. i wasn't getting off easy by not being willing to have conflict or confrontation, i was actually forcing myself to swallow my own hurt and pain and in many ways betrayed myself by not speaking up. she had me write an apology letter to myself and i cried without a few sentences.

I am working to change these things. I used to think feeling hurt and admitting that meant you were weaker and lost. I just had a really hard conversation with one of my oldest friends and it ended with us breaking up! i didn't see it coming, and didn't think it was even on the table and it unfolded in front of me almost instantly when i decided to speak up on something that bothered me and it turned out he already felt deeply resentful towards me and called a lot of my behavior into question that i didn't know he had thought poorly of me about for years and years! it's going to be a long road of lots of mixed emotions now. i feel shameful and scared i have lost so many of my old friends in the last two years which have been the biggest growth and happiest i've ever been and it's so confusing to go through even though i am constantly reassured that's part of the ride!

i used to tell myself if everyone had something bad to say about you, then it must be true and you must be bad and deserve it.... and i think that was just an easy way out for me to feel guilt and sorry for myself cause that's easier than fighting it's easier than the work it would take to stand up for myself and believe my own experiences and emotions. i thought i was so mature and gentle for saying "you're right i guess i am just a bad person" and never once was that the solution.

i am going to take my time absorbing this experience! i am going to be confused, angry, sad, and probably a decent bit of mourning too! i will no longer deny myself that process and pretend i am better off without the people i loved! i will not pretend to wish them well and hold no bad feelings. it's time to do the hard thing and be mad be sad and be in this difficult process!

thanks for reading, i really love this blog. I feel it's so important to share be seen and understood by other people but i am also so hesitant to admit what i am scared of because i don't want to make myself vulnerable to being hurt even more but it's also a pathway to healing and letting go and that's worth the risks

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lightningandfireinmybones · 10 months

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whaddub giiiirls! Live from my desk, hunched back like Quasimodo, full of mildly cold orange juice because it's been out of the fridge for a while and with the A/C on because my house feels like the basement of hell, I AM BACK WITH MY AEMOND THOTS!

um... long post... im so sorry, i dont think read more works for asks i had promised you them and now that i am in a good -relatively speaking- place with my assignments, I am back with the ch. 7 thoughts.

Aemond learned how to swallow past the emotion clogging his throat, to operate with his heart outside his body.

it's not just the breakup that made him operate this way unfortunatelly. Aemond in every universe is doomed to be the second and capable son of an unworthy father, too preoccupied with his losses to appreciate the people around him. I must once again restate the general consensus that the green kids were the exact thing that Viserys prayed for and still his hubris (however valid the reason behind his self inflicted grief may be) blinded him.

Aemond grew up knowing that he is the only one on his side, him and the very few people who do love him yet are unable to do much since they hold no real power to help protect him.

It made him colder, meaner, smarter, sharper.

whatever doesn't kill you fucks you up mentally. Hey i know this girl, Valaena, the two of them would hit it right off!

It was an explosion he’d throw himself into repeatedly for the privilege of having her hurt him.

him and Val are the same person, the same trauma except in different font and just expressed in an opposite manner. but the trumatized basis is there. Aemond may have had the control in their relationship and between the two of them however when it came to himself he really didnt have any control? like..

their relationship wasnt bad because of their dynamic but because of the Quality of said dynamic. Many people overeat or skip meals but not everyone has an eating disorder, if that makes sense. Their relationship was in that first stage i feel doomed from the start because the reason why thei came into it wasn't all there? I will elaborate more on this further down bellow if it isn't clear what i mean by this.

The anxiety that wracked her little form melted away, the pressure in his own head relieved by the way she gave in to him completely.

Their relationship at that point, I feel like, was not a partnership exactly? they were both too into their heads about this, too preoccupied with their trauma and with using each other as a balm, as an escape and as a way to make everything fall into the background that to an extent is was a quite selfish relationship? There was Love, undeniaably, passion, a bit of obsession, posessiveness, but that was more as an expression of each other's internal fear and anxiety towards their life rather than a well communicated and healthy thing. (i am still unsure as to whether or not i am expaining myself accurately)

Then, she’d left and taken the sunshine with her.

the way this must have hurt? this would have devastated him. not only to lose your lover, the girl you are in love with, the person you practically live with but also to be deprived of your main support person, your ride or die. We saw the exact same thing with Val. She knows all this which is why she is so terribly guilt ridden. she went through the same - if i may use the word- violent emotionally breakup. not physically violent but deffinitely violating.

like a new wound, a raw and infected one unable to heal.

In the two weeks since she escaped him, time has congealed into a meaningless mass of rage and fear and anticipation and something else. Something that tasted like satisfaction, like Valaena was finally fighting back, clawing her way back to him.

i can't imagine how complicated all those emotions must be for him. he isn't used to analysing them really, or voicing them even to himself. But the relief of at least having her back is palpable.

it must feel like the first drops of rain after a harsh devastating drought. My emotions how dare you Autumn?

Time was cruel, but not as cruel as Aemond is going to be when he gets ahold of Valaena again. // Valaena was playing with fire and he intended to burn her for it. // If either of them survived long enough to get there.

get her ass. sickos everywhere rejoice, you were meant to burn together except not in a self destructive way because ilysm and you both deserve the world so may the embers of your love grow into a warm flame of love

Anything less than perfection was failure.

Aemond babe, i know right? i keep telling my therapist but she wont agree with me

“She’s in Dorne and safe,” Aemond clips out, returning to his files.

i love how the word he goes for is Safe because that's what it comes down to. it's not she's having fun, she's taking her time, she's enjoying herself. it's she is S A F E . because that's his greatest fear at this point. that something will go wrong, that he will lose her, that she will be hurt. not just bc of the Cannibal but previously as well bc of herself and her disregard for her own well being.

The agonizing peace he must feel knowing that she is doing well, is trying to get sober, and is just in a serene and safe place working on herself and getting some well earned rest... my loves!

[...] a cloud of incredibly expensive perfume taking him back to being eight years old, clutching one leg, Valaena on the other, Luke on her back.

i love the way you write his relationship with Rhaenyra. i hate how the show never bothered to show us the relationship of the siblings because bad blood or no, the very first years before Rhae had any kids it's more than normal to assume she liked her siblings and played around with them. I love how you show that and may your period cramps remain forever a thing of the past for including this.

the big sister vibes who isn't just a big sister close in age that you can curse at and be a bit cunty towards and give as good as you take. Instead the older sister who is a mature person, who acts a bit like a motherly figure, as a wise friendly more experienced person. And especially here it's not like he can hide from her.

Rhaenyra too fucked her uncle but also like... babes... you and Val haven't exactly ever been subtle about each other. Especially Aemond is as tactful as an elephant dancing on thin ice when it comes to his feelings for Val, and Val in general. Mr Unhinged Feral Hungry Simp

“You think she’s coming back to me?” Aemond can’t stop the words, a rare vulnerability, a chink in his impenetrable armor.

A PRECIOUS BABY

Laughing softly, Rhaenyra cups his scarred cheek. // [...] just presses a soft palm against his skin and gives him the benefit of the doubt.

Give Aemond his regular tactile affection 2024! explicitly do NOT make it sexual. that man needs the everyday, unassuming, familiar display of love in this manner. fucking like crazy doesn't mean this man isn't touch starved and that's a hill i will doom myself and my entire bloodline upon. HE NEEDS THE SOFTNESS. imagine not having the warm and comforting touch of your mother, everytime she sees you she is retraumatized by your trauma. how would that make a small child feel? a child who cannot differenciate between the nuanced feelings of adults and his own confusion and fear and guilt over his perceived faults.

AEMOND MY BELOVED

Running yourself into the ground won’t do anything. You need to get it together, too. Fix yourself, let her fix herself, then maybe you two can work on fixing whatever is left between you two. Make sure you’re both worthy.”

nothing but facts. they need to be 100% into their own selves, they need to be in control of themselves and their emotions and not go around like emotionally damaged half life zombies. they won't be able to find peace and happiness with each other until they start feeling good about themselves. until they stop hating who they are and stop self crucifying themselves

He’s spent his whole life working to deserve her and she’d left anyway. As much as he loved Valaena, would worship the ground she walked on, he knew she had her own demons.

firstly, OUCH OH GOD FUCKED ME UP OH JEEZ GOOD LORD UGH. Aemond beloved, loving someone and having them love you back has nothing to do with "deserving" the other in this sense. there's no point past which you can say one is enough and appropriate for another, or a list to check things off of. my heart hurts for this

but also that last line.. dang but that's such an important thing for him to realize. because yes, she does have her own trauma to sort out and so does he. and that isn't a bad thing or anything. it's just him realizing that she doesn need space to do her own thing and i LOVE how this comes right after his thoughts of not deserving her. like... they both exist as individuals long before they can be only in reference to one another.

that's such a big thing for him to realise and he does it so casually after this one talk with Rhaenyra i love him so much you dont understand!

That Valaena has her reasons for doing things, even if he doesn’t understand them now.

YES KING EXACTLY!!!!! it will ALL be okay! trust! you just need to heal first (first on their own and then together as one solid unit)

Maybe he’d lost himself in it a little, too. Maybe part of him had always been missing, lost in duty and responsibility foisted upon him.

yes baby he just keeps on giving and giving yes Aemond!

Back when they’d been together, he’d laughed freer. He’d taken joy in things, in riding and live music and his education. He chafed under his father’s thumb, but he’d been more himself.

exactly!!! i love these two lines so much bestie you don't understand!

he'd been more himself! he had his support, he had a person to confide in, to share the burden with and to have them lean on him too! he could help her, communicate with her, share her love and their days together, show affection and be familiar with someone! once they get back to it relieved from their use of their relationship as an unhealthy coping mechanism they will be so happy! and they will deserve it too! no more guilt ridden Valaena, no more fear of the future from her, no more unclear boundaries and no more anxiety ridden Aemond.

your honour i just need them to chill together and vibe ya know

For Valaena, wasn’t it worth confronting himself? Even if the thought of opening up to a therapist makes him want to skin a man alive, he can do it for her.

for her but also for himself. confronting oneself is hard work and tough work. i love him so much you dont understand

skipping a few paragraphs, the Cannibal has some balls but also an extreme lack of self preservation instincts. Bless Dalton i guess? Who also needs to learn how not to try and get himself killed. he.. i... Sir?!

You are going to talk to Aemond Targaryen like THAT about HIS NIECE and expect what? you did this for what? no no i'll wait.. go ahead.. name the reasons... dang

Your niece is a right freak in bed. Such a fucking slut [etc. etc.]

girl you done lost your mind. fare thee well

When Dalton dies, Aemond wants to do it slowly, precisely, with privacy to make him suffer.

you know what.. he earned this one. but also he kinda deserved it too. like... bless Dalton fr fr . oh to be there and see the shock in Aemond's eye. the sheer "!!!!" in his face, ya know? The man was too stunned to speak, for like a milisecond

Aemond sighs, adjusting his eye patch, eyes roving over the crowd to make sure the Cannibal hasn’t circled back now that Dalton is out of the way. “She’s okay?”

IM IN YOUR WALLS YOU WHORE!!!!!!!!! IM ALSO IN THE TRENCHES BUT TRUST I AM IN YOUR WALLS!!!

She looks at him like she sees through him and is not impressed with what she finds.

FUCK HIM UP MOMM- Help him heal Doctor. (i want to see her deontologically and ethically STEP ON HIM during therapy. make that boy see sense and heal his trauma girl)

Gods, she was beautiful. She was beautiful and she was insane and she was going to destroy him.

i can see him looking at her with a devastated, helpless, burning look, already sex drunk even though he hasn't even let himself take permission to touch her yet (that evening!! because trust that man is delulu, babe there's no modesty to be saved you are both HORNY MONSTERS). simp! aemond is top tier aemond

His niece (gods! His fucking niece, who he’d already crossed so many lines with)

Aemond is also in your walls, screaming, crying, throwing up

Just him. It was just him and his niece in this cabin, snow picking up outside the rattling windows.

i love how he thinks of her as his niece yet. not allowing himself to use her name, resisting to the familiarity of it, insisting upon her title to keep himself in check

“You had to run away from school to a cabin with only one bed and no cell service with a blizzard on the horizon?” Aemond asks as he follows her to the bedroom if only to distract himself from the way her ass jiggles beneath the thin protection of the silk. She’d run away to this cabin and had packed that nightgown. Valaena was a menace.

KILL HIM!! GET THAT FATALITY!! RUUIIIN THAT MAN VAL! I AM ROOTING FOR YOU WE ARE ALL ROOTING FOR YOU

i will combust when we found out the full extent of their past

Candles are on nearly every available surface, dripping fat hot drops of wax on expensive furniture.

waxplay when?

she shrugs, leaning back onto her elbows. It throws her chest forward, a practiced move.

serving CUNT!! before she serves the actual- oh you know what, i wont be crass. she is a baddie tho and that i Will mention (RIP Alyssa Targaryen you would have LLLOOOVED your great grandaughter. also Saera Targaryen, you would have appreciated her as well)

“Eyepatch too,” she instructs, a molten heat in her eyes that can only spell trouble. He complies, sliding into the king-size bed.

i am FERAL. hide nothing from each other!!!

“Don’t,” Aemond grits, grabbing her wrist before she can trace his scar.

She smiles beatifically at him, tightening the thigh she has draped over him. “It’s just cuddling, Kepus.”

oh she.... evil woman... she's evil... most definitely!!!!!

he's been calling her niece in his mind and she goes and does THAT! what a serve

I will never be just your uncle again. I will never let you go. I will consume you.” The little siren sighs, shifting so she can wrap her legs around Aemond’s waist. “Big talk for a virgin.”

i- no comment..... she threw him on the ground and she keeps on kicking him, she won't let him have a moment.

“Why would I want gentle when I can have you as you are?”

girl bye... im done commenting.

[...] Shall we see if we can get you a third?”

i lied.

In that lavender haze of her eyes, he sees a future. He sees chaos and eternity and a purpose. He sees what she needs.

valaemond brainrot until the universe freezes over

“You called me a slut,” Valaena mumbles, her nose sharp on his collarbone. He takes the opportunity to press a kiss to the top of her head. He huffs a laugh, brushing hair away from her face. “And I think you liked it.” A sharp grin, showing off her canines. “Thank you.”

“The only responsibility I care about is you, Valaena. I think about you all day. Has Valaena eaten? Has she drunk enough water? Is she wearing thigh highs or stockings today? Did Valaena laugh today? Is she happy, taken care of? Will being with me make it better or worse?”

make it stop i've had enough!!! stop stop stop STOP!!!!!!

I love him so much. i am indeed chewing glass because even if he doesn't fully realise it, or calls it as such, he is so down bad for her. so in love... so... i.. i need to know when it really started. when he realized Oh Shit.. this isn;t just going to go away. the care he has for her??? and to know that despite all that love they still had to break up even if it was for the better? to know that THIS is what was in line? that THIS is what they're making their way back to? what they are both striving for? my heart

“Because I want to be with you, too. I choose you, Aemond. I’ll always choose you.”

and soon enough Aemond will truly feel that in his bones and understand it and will be able to find this solid thing, this dependable thing inside of him that will KNOW he deserves and has earned that love freely given just as Valaena will with the love freely given from Aemond.

you killed me dead bestie fr.

im so sorry it took so long for me to get back to you with this but i was getting my ass handed to me by Uni.

the newest chapter was amazing as well! we're all so glad to have you bag from your vacation, you deserved all that time away and the new scenery after these past months. i hope you're doing amazing and if you are still abit sick i hope you feel better and get well soon (iirc you were a bit under the weather, or was that during your time away?)

in any case! what an amazing work same as always. soft drunk off the recond free aemond in the newest chapter was also amazing. im assuming some time has passed between his therapy session and him arriving in Dorne?

“Don’t,” Aemond closes his eye, burrowing deeper into the pillow the way he used to do to her bare chest. “Don’t give me softness you’ll regret tomorrow.” “I won’t regret it,” Valaena whispers, propping herself up on her elbow to look down at him. “Prove it,” Aemond orders imperiously, eye still closed.

prove it. prove you wont hate yourself or feel uncomfortable for the affection you showed me, for bringing me back into your life despite maybe not being sure you want me there. Prove you are okay with me, prove we are good, or at least we are better with each other. and she does...

even if he wont remember tomorrow she tells him about that one night where everything really hit her and it all came crushing down, unravelling from that point foreward. their time together was really uncomfortable to read. you managed to portray Val's freakout excellently because myself reading this... it made me feel lowkey triggered just like her. it felt like being suffocated, like being pushed down and unable to move and escape. and the worst part for her was that the only person who could make her feel better was the person who freaked her out.

i understand how to Aemond it may have been nothing but honestly... reading from her pov it was Just TOO Much, just the way i believe you intended it to be. i love val, she.. i just get exactly where she is coming from.

and i have to say Val is one of my favourite characters Period. she is exactly what you meant for her. a flawed, sometimes making mistakes but mostly trying yer best and failing as well as succeeding. i think she is an incredibly strong female character exactly because of this. you can only be brave when you are scared. and that's exactly what she does. she fumbles, she avoids, she is harmful to herself but she always deals with the situation, she always strives to make it work and works hard to earn that.

incredible work bestie from the bottom of my heart. <3

BESTIE

IVE BEEN SITTING ON THIS FOR FAR TOO LONG trying to stop kicking my feet and blushing and form a coherent response,,, the brain cells aren’t braincelling but I can’t keep reading this to myself every morning lmao it needs to be shared

THE TRAGEDY OF AEMOND,,, being viserys’ foil, building himself into something worthy for those that will never see it and appreciate it the right way

And Valaena,,, cursed to be always aching for something she can’t have, drowning in the legacy she fear and respects

I 10000% get what you’re saying and thank god I aimed for it!! Their relationship during the early years is the right person, wrong time, as neither of them had the emotional fortitude or strength to hold themselves up

They solely held each other up with no thought or concern for their own emotional/psychological structural integrity

And that weakness was only revealed when they ripped away their support beams from each other, leaving just the internal rot and negligence they’d put into themselves

So they have to heal themselves first!! And while aemond might not be able to admit it and say that, he recognizes that for the first step it is, when Valaena starts working on herself actively and with intention to do better

BUT HE IS ALSO A SICKO SO HE WILL NEVER ACTUALLY LET GO!! AN OBSESSED KING

But above all else, Valaena

And her safety first, mentally and physically and emotionally

I AM A SUCKER FOR SIBLING BONDS AND I REFUSE TO BELIEVE RHAENYRA GIVES UP ON THEM SO EASILY

and we come back to aemond and Valaena having to learn to exist outside of each other before they can exist together!!! Aemond rediscovering joy and Valaena rediscovering herself!!

THEY NEED TO HEAL!!!! AND THEY ARE!!! HEALING AND COMING BACK TOGETHER!!!

And vixen Valaena had to make an appearance eventually! Scandalizing poor virgin aemond!!!

I’m too dead to write a more eloquent response like this deserves but I want to say thank you!!

I cannot express the depth of how grateful I am you took the time and effort to write a thesis on valaemond!! It humbles me and brings me such joy and happiness to see you like Valaena and can think this much about my passion brainrot project!!!

#I am in awe #thank you bestie #it is so insightful and well written #ask #heaven knows fic

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fatefought · 10 months

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@incaensio sent: ❛ are you even sorry? ❜ - katniss/haymitch (ngl,,, this would be Fun for MJ)

thirteen has him dressing in jackets, gloves, and a beanie. years of punishing his body has meant that regulation of temperature is something that has been beat out of it. the garments make sure that abernathy is warm, but it doesn't stop the withdrawal shivers that still plague him now. shouldn't it have stopped ? haymitch doesn't really know. he's no doctor. it's the first time he and the girl have seen each other in the underground district and had some sense of privacy. he's given her space, and he bets she could use some more.

everdeen's question is vague, and his brain instantly thinks of several things it could do with. arms remain crossed over his chest. it's retaining the warmth better, but it does nothing to add a friendliness to his demeanor. maybe he should pander, butter her up. he has some experience after being a mule for the games for twenty-five years. she's no cap sponsor though, and being so out of character might end with more violence. though, even being genuine likely will too. " for which part ? are ya talkin' the boy ? of course. that sorrow is felt for 'im though. ya might be 'is wife, but that doesn't mean i owe it to ya. he's 'is own person, and i think about 'im being there all the time. " peeta is in the capitol ; peeta is in snow's hands. the interview while sad at least confirmed he was still alive. they still had a chance at getting him here.

" i know ya think i broke the promise, but i didn't. i did everythin' in my power to try to get 'im here. how was i suppose to know that things played out the way they did ? if i broke it, ya broke it too. what did ya do to make sure he got here ? ya see how slippery slick that slope is ? i know ya didn't break it. and if ya think i did, that's fine. i'm not gonna say i'm sorry for breakin' it if i don't think i did though. " his defensiveness is uncalled for, but it's the only way he can cope with everything. being sober leaves a lot of time for wading through the guilt and other thoughts haymitch would like to suppress. one of the medical staff commented how he probably drank to forget. well damn, abernathy drinks because he likes the alcohol. ( the other thing was just an added benefit. )

" as for ya, " finger points to the girl momentarily as though katniss wouldn't know who he's talking about. " i am sorry for the position ya were thrown in. i know it isn't fair. you're young. ya didn't choose this. nothing's fair though. nobody's life in panem is their own, other than some caps. we've talked 'bout how victors never leave the arena. ya can get better at the games, but it never makes 'em easier. the difficulty just gets harder. your loved ones most of which are here would 'ave just become tally marks for times that snow got 'is fuckin' feelings hurt. i know it's unfair, and for that i am sorry. ya can make a difference though. and when this is all said and done, ya and the people ya care about can actually live. " he's not saying he did this for her. no, obviously not. haymitch wants to see the world burn so it can be rebuilt. katniss cares deeply for those she loves though. he does hope the girl and those people do get to live in peace though, even if it will only be after the rebellion and if the rebels won.

" add me to that little list of people ya wanna kill to coin for all i care. just let me see ya end snow first, " he remarks. " but 'til then, let me work with ya so we can get peeta 'ere. cinna too who saw the very same potential in ya that i did that all of the rebels did. ya don't 'ave to like me or trust me. i've given ya plenty of reasons to not. at the very least i can help ya navigate through all this mockingjay shit. "

#death tw #alcoholism tw #incaensio #* answered / haymitch .#eventideevent04

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tendebill · 1 year

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I love your silly guys (your OCs) so much

I am spinning them in my brain

WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO RAMBLE ABOUT THEM. I WILL RAMBLE ABOUT THEM (literally just looking for an excuse to infodump!!!!! utilizing your lovely asks bestie, hope you dont mind <3)

anyway im thinking about chapter 1 a lot (and ignoring how chapters 4-6 are barely thought out) and uh um.

So basically Nicolas Nevers can go fuck himself. I created him and he is vital to the story, blah blah blah, I despise him <3.

My intention with him is that he starts out as a kind of... mentor/caretaker figure for Seph & Ellie?? I want the story to start out with a lot of fantasy "stereotypes" that are either flipped/twisted or turn out to be lies, and Nick is no different. He is the reason why Ellie and Seph both have these powers which they were never supposed to have. He lies about it to them and everyone else to cover his ass, makes up a prophecy for them, hoping they wont catch on (spoilers: sephoras eventually catches on), sends them off for "adventures" so they dont cause him more problems and expose his lies and deceptions, the list goes on. His entire career is a very carefully woven, but extremely fragile web of lies, bribery and cashed-in favors, and YET-

Somehow he is never publically exposed for all of his bullshittery. Worse yet, Sephoras isn't even the one that gets the satisfaction of killing him, Huen does (everyone say thank you Huen) at the end of chapter 2.

I actually want to make it a point in chapter 6 (underdeveloped as it is) that, as opposed to David, Sephoras had no real place where he could direct his anger. No way to enact "revenge". What I mean is, when Seph killed David's wife (for context: he wasn't fully in control of himself and he would never have done it in his right mind, but it was OBVIOUSLY enough for David to want to kill him, dead is dead, plus it traumatized them both, David watched it happen too, plus his toxic masculinity and anger issues made it so that there was no other way for him to react BUT trying to kill seph), in Seph's mind, that gave David a free pass to hurt Seph in any way he wanted. Seph was of the opinion that he deserved what he got and had no right to feel sorry for himself or resent David for it. In turn, his guilt made it so that most of the people that had hurt him were "off-limits" to him in terms of getting revenge or anything of the sort. He didn't deserve anyone's forgiveness, empathy and he CERTAINLY didn't deserve to get revenge.

Nicolas was the ONLY person he would have wanted to get revenge against. The only person he felt he could "bring to justice" and whatnot. The only man worse than him. The cause of this whole shitshow (literally, if not for Nick, none of the plot would have happened).

But like I said, Huen was the one to kill Nick in chapter 2, so Seph never got the satisfaction of doing so himself.

HOWEVER. I recently added on to this detail :))))))) I made it worse btw.

Like I said, Nick's reputation remained intact even after his death. No one (besides Seph ofc) really cared to expose him post mortem, and even so, hardly anyone knew the EXTENT of his lies and deceptions and faults. Sephoras knew the most, Huen did too, as he had told her, plus a couple of other characters, but he never really told Ellie the full story, not until MUCH later.

Which is where chapter 4 comes in. Ellie and Seph are trying to gain back each other's trust, but their relationship is falling apart, ripping at the seams in so many ways. They don't know each other anymore, they are not the same as they once were. Seph feels like he doesn't deserve a second chance and so he doesn't fight for it, he doesn't give Ellie reasons to trust him again. Ellie tries desperately to hold onto the image of Seph she had from BEFORE all this shit had happened, when he was still their brother and everything was easier, bathed in Nicolas' lies and their naive belief in what he had told them.

At some point Seph spills the beans about Nicolas, everything he'd done and lied about, how much he'd really manipulated them and Ellie is PISSED. They find out how much they let that man decieve them and they dont know what to do with that rage.

They relize he was never exposed. That he is still hailed as a martyr and a "good man who died a tragic death". They expose him publically on their own.

And so Nick's reputation goes to shit. As does Seph's only way of getting revenge on a dead man. Ellie takes that from him. He tells himself he didn't deserve the satisfaction of being the one to expose Nevers to the public, that Ellie had a right to do it. But it doesn't make him any less angry.

And so, like I said, Seph never really gets his revenge on Nevers. While David was able to take out his anger on Seph all he wanted, Seph was forced to suffer with all his anger directed at a man long dead, unable to do anything about it. The one man that hurt Sephoras more than Sephoras had hurt him. Dead and defamed - no thanks to Sephoras.

i love my sillies and i love their silly adventures and theres so much i wanna say about them but alas i dont want to write 15 essays in one post.

#thank you catpop for spinning my ocs #it brings me joy and they like being spun a lot <3 #catpop my bolved #hope you dont mind the fukcing essay #shoutout to anyone who read this whole thing #tendebill ocs #oc rant #long post #ask box #ask response #it is 1am if there are any typos i wash my hands of them #oc lore

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squeet-smooch · 11 months

Text

I'm really sorry for the message i sent yesterday. It was uncalled for, and not okay for me to send to you.

My immediate response to seeing your reply was "oh, no! Mitten sent that, no! That was bad of her, i don't know why she thought she needed to say that. Even in her distress and confusion she acknowledged that you would be triggered and sent it thinking it would be okay, because you 'cared more about our wellbeing than your triggers'." That's not at all how it works. That is a pretty awful way to try to excuse myself, and me apologizing repeatedly doesn't fix it, or the fact that we do this often. But i need to be sure my message comes across.

It shouldn't have been sent, and i should be able to recognize what's okay to come to you with, but i don't. I cannot tell what's okay to share. I don't know how to approach either of you or anyone else anyway, and it's simply worsened by my overall nature. I believe everything that makes me, Me, is one of your major triggers. My male identity, my transition, my inner and past relationships, and my personal use of drugs. Regardless of why i use them, which is entirely to soothe trauma and body issues, it's not okay to mention it to you. I've tried really really hard to suppress it, a lot of things about myself, and i still break that a lot. I still do things and say things that i know are unacceptable and i do apologize for acting careless. Despite proof, i do care. I care so much that i don't approach with anything anymore.

In fact it's why I've been so distant. I miss you, so so much, but I'm tired of hurting you, and you're busy with yourself and your other partners. Which is fine, and i should be better and more understanding about it.

The fact that i have felt so lonely lately is entirely my fault, and i never expect anything from you. Ever. I never need you to give more than you have, and you haven't had anything much for me except my needs(food, very good food im so grateful for. A wonderful beautiful home, which I cannot praise and express enough gratitude over. Other related things). I do not want you to feel like i demand anything from you, ever. But i am lonely. And i do miss you, but that's also in part why i pulled away. It was too much, i craved too much. And I'm so sorry for the times I've hurt you in the month I've been here. I've had plenty of time to do it repeatedly, nothing like the individual weeks i spent up here. The one night i spent that one time (because I'm an idiot. Im still sorry for that.) The amount that I've triggered you heavily outweighs any positive experiences we've had together and i cannot express how sorry i am. I am not supposed to be that for you. It isn't okay.

I need to be better but I'm just not. I do not know how to solve it. I cannot look you in the face, i haven't been able to for a while now. Everything hurts, and i do not need you to feel guilt for any of it. I just want closure, clarification i suppose. I want to propose solutions. Maybe i stay sleeping on the couch, so you don't accidentally touch me while i cuddle your husband. So you don't have to be afraid of me, or hurt anymore. Or see me, infesting your sacred spaces. I can be assigned more chores, and i can take better care of them while you and him do the actual work, instead of always being asleep when you get home. I can get rid of more of my things, so you're less reminded of how invasive my presence has been.

There is never a good time for any of this, and i don't know what to do or think anymore. I'm sorry the way i am is so hard for you, and im sorry you decided to choose me before you seemed to realize how bad i actually was. How triggering and upsetting my way of life and existence genuinely always seems to be for you.

This is not me seeking sympathy, it is a massive apology and an urge to just. Let me know how i can alleviate it before things get so much worse. I don't want to see you feel bad, especially about any of this. I cannot keep pulling you down. You fight so hard just to stay standing and breathing to no rest. You deserve so much better.

I'm not improving, and it could be my fault and i don't look like it, but im fighting to get better. I want to fight for you, but if it would be better, i can stay further away.

#negative vent #send in the morning #do not rb #personal

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traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors · 1 year

Note

tw implied abuse and cheating mention

looking for reassurance and validation and some way to cope with guilt. this is ok to post for followers. a few of my asks have been answered before but namelessly. my name is nettie

I feel guilty that my ex is depressed while I'm doing well for myself now. I have c-ptsd but it's been very manageable in the past two months and I've been happy but I've heard from mutual friends that my ex isn't doing well for themself and is extremely depressed. I have no urge to reach out I just feel really bad that theyre suffering and I'm not. I feel like it should be the other way around and it makes me think that maybe what happened between us wasn't as bad for me as I thought it was. It took ages of self improvement and therapy to get to where I am now but I'm a functional member of society and in a happy relationship while all I hear about them is that they're really struggling. theyre financially fine and in a relationship with someone they (most likely) cheated on me with but theyre still majorly depressed like they were when we were together. they blamed a lot of their depression and anxiety on me and said a lot of hurtful things to me and now im terrified that theyre still feeling that and ive deluded myself into thinking im a victim when im really just a bad person. I've been known to struggle with reality (my therapist and friends believe that I was gaslit and manipulated but I can't remember much of the relationship for whatever reason) so now I'm not sure what's true or not. I don't want to hurt them, I never did and Ive tried everything in my power to make their life easier but it was/is never enough to make them feel better. I feel like I deserve to be punished, somehow. my boyfriend is upset for me because he despises my ex (my bf and I were friends when my ex and I were together; bf and ex never formally met, bf just had a crush on me and thought my ex sounded like an ass and then obviously when i found out I have ptsd he started outright hating them) and he's absolutely adamant that my ex was depressed before-during-and after our time together and I had no influence on that because they are "insistent on wallowing in their own misery and attempting to drag anyone who gets too close down with them". I feel like that's a bit harsh but I thought maybe his thoughts would provide an opposing pov for an outsider in this situation? I dont know. I'm really upset and that familiar "I don't deserve to be happy" feeling is coming up again.

Hi nettie,

I'm sorry about what you've been going through.

It sounds like your ex is blaming things on you which you have no responsibility for. It sounds like you haven't given him any reason to be anxious and depressed, and in fact you went above and beyond to make sure it wouldn't blossom. Perhaps the gaslighting and manipulation you faced may be influencing your impostor syndrome, that you deserve to be punished without any clear evidence as to why.

You don't owe anything to your ex. I think he's making it sound like you do in order to string you back in - my abuser did that by pretending to be sick in multiple ways and blaming it on me, as if asking me to return to his side and tend to him. That's the trap.

You've been through a lot. Why not allow yourself happiness as a reward?

-Bun

#mod bun #trauma talks #trauma details #abuse #emotional abuse #nettie

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bernadettelovestokiohotel · 1 year

Text

"I care!"

Hi!This is another Vinney fic,about the Brance fic...imma do it tomorrow,in this fanfic Vance is 17 and Finn is 16

The two teens were dating for about 2 months or so,they never really had any heated arguments,or ever yelled at each other,but..sometimes that has to come too,doesn't it?

One day,things got a bit out of hand.Vance and Robin had a huge fight where they both got physical and ended up in wounds,both of them.

Of course,Finney was terrified,he finally thought that his best friend and lover would get along eventually,but...that didn't seem to work out.

"What were you thinking?!You two could've killed each other!"

Finney yelled as he put a cotton wool on Vance's bloody wound that was on his hand,near his wrist.

"He started it!He was being a dick,not me!"

Vance argued back,as he groaned while Finney put alcohol on his wounds.

"It doesn't matter who started it!You both need to understand that fighting each other isn't gonna win me over!"

Finney said as he closed the first aid kit.

"well I'm sorry,Mr.Politeness,but what else was I supposed to do?!He tackled at me!He asked for it!"

Vance argued as he got up from the bed.

"you both need to stop with this shit!You aren't children anymore!"

Finney was filled with fear of the day they might break each other's bones or worse.

"children??"

Vance asked,he felt offended being called a child.

"yes!You two have a mental stability of children!"

Finney said angrily.

"Oh-ho-ho!You wanna talk about mental stability of children?!Look who's fucking talking!"

Vance laughed angrily.He didn't even think about what he was going to say.At that point he just wanted to tell Finney off.

"what are you talking about?!.."

Finney asked,clearly upset.

"YOU CRY WHENEVER I LEAVE THE FUCKING ROOM!I MEAN..HEH..ARE YOU THAT DESPERATE OR SOMETHING?!YOU FOLLOW ME AROUND LIKE A FUCKING DOG! HOW'S IT MY FAULT YOU HAVE ATTACHMENT ISSUES AND LOVE PEOPLE SO QUICKLY EVEN AFTER THEY GIVE YOU A LITTLE ATTENTION!"

Vance stopped.He realized what he said.The guilt already ate him alive.He heard sniffing,and whimpering,he looked into Finney's brown eyes,seeing they're filled with tears.

"Finney..I-Im so sorry.."

As Vance is about to grab Finney's hand and pull him into a hug,Finney gets a mental picture of his dad grabbing his wrist and hitting him with all strength.

"DON'T HURT ME PLEASE!IM SORRY!"

Finney yelled as he cried out.This reaction terrified Vance,a lot.Finney slowly sits in the corner of the room and curls up in a ball and starts shaking.

"Finney!!I'm not gonna hurt you!"

Vance said as he tried getting closer to Finney,but Finn just get more scared and scared.Finally,Vance pulls him into a hug.

"I'm sorry i said all those awful things to you.I shouldn't have lashed out at you like that."

Vance apologized,in a calm and gentle tone.Finney's still shaking uncontrollably and still trying to catch a breath.

Later that night,it was awkward for both of them.They didn't know how to talk to each other or how to react to one another.

As they're laying on the bed,facing separate ways,both of them are re-thinking their choices of words a few hours ago.

Finney then gets the idea to hug Vance.

He hugs Vance's back,and breaks down in tears.

"..Please don't hate me..."

Finney whispered.

"Finney..shhh...I'm sorry.."

Vance apologized again,he knew damn well he will apologize over a 1000 times if he needs to.

Vance cuddles Finney softly,his arms around his body while Finney curled up in a ball,resting his head on Vance's chest.

"shhhh...just sleep,darling..it's okay..it's over."

Vance comforted Finney softly with his voice as he kissed Finney's head.

Finney calmed down a bit.He wasn't crying anymore,he fell asleep pretty fast.Vance didn't sleep that night.All he thought was about how much of a garbage person he is.

The next morning,at 6 AM,Finney walks into the living room,seeing Vance making tea for him.

"hey sunshine,how'd you sleep?"

Vance asked,he was smiling but you can see he didn't close an eye last night.

"go-good."

Finney said,being quite surprised Vance is even talking to him.Vance hands over the tea cup to Finney and offers him to sit down.

"I know that you're still upset with me,and that's alright.It's my fault i said those things,that aren't even true.I know i havent been the best partner in the world,i doubt I'm even a good one at this point but-"

Before Vance could finish his sentence,Vance already hugged him,tightly,not letting go.

Vance smiles gently,holds Finn's face and pressed a kiss against Finney's lips.

"how do I make it up to you?"

Vance asked as he went through Finney's messy hair with his fingers.

"well..there are a few things."

Finney giggled.Vance couldn't help but smile and giggle himself.

That day they did everything Finney wanted to do,and they've made a promise to never ever talk about each other like that again.Let's hope they're keeping that promise.

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bandofchimeras · 11 months

Text

posting a lot rn sorry Im gonna readmore this vent that is a standin for next therapy session

i have a lot of trauma from losing my last few housing situations over interpersonal conflict and not having enough money or being good at managing my money. I was too ashamed to ask for what I needed until it was desperate and I had no options.

I have big decisions to make that are producing so much anxiety. and am burnt out. but also grateful and astounded at the miracle that is life.

so can't handle small talk right now. my whole chest is splitting open with the need to be somewhere I feel loved and safe bc I know who tf I am now....but knowing I have to make these next moves out of my own initiative

somewhere deep in my brain I know this isn't all my fault but I had to stop victim thinking to get myself out of the Hole and consequently just Shut Up about the Pain

the last people I lived with really wanted me to shut up and conform perfectly to the anxiously controlled life they'd constructed bc I was there temporarily

and for my part I was in depression self centered funk and coming out of abuse too brainfoggerd to remember the rules

One of them is a former mutual and he was also a transmasc person I had a crush on and we had a short little Thing

what they ended up doing was 1000% shitty asshole stuff like kicking me out in the middle of winter after I communicated I was in too much pain from moving in and work, and requested a two week extension, and trying to charge me illegal "storage fees" when I needed time to get my stuff after being kicked out.

my discord friends had to help me parse that these people were not my friends and did not care about me at all. I thought they did. but the guilt they laid on thick and blamed me for their actions has been dragging around my ankles for awhile and I just want to shake it off, I want to be okay and not soaked in guilt like milk toast

the situation also led to my car being stolen, getting in a crash, my cats health severely declining until she passed away this spring. just fucking wrecking ball on everything I was attached to for any sort of comfort or sense of reality.

Right before that my long term job that was....dubiously ethical, my sort of boss fired me in a similarly guilting way, and similarly could see exactly why they had a problem with me but I just, at the time I simply could not show up how I needed to. Not killing myself was an accomplishment. And this boss was deeply prejudiced against autistic people despite running a group home. I genuinely hated her guts for how miserable she made everyone around her while also recognizing I wasn't doing much better.

anyways through this time period kitchen work has become this attachment that toughens me up and feels doable while my brain is inflamed, despite being shit for my disabled body. I can't shake free quite. I don't have a permanent house and all my friendships feel weird and troubled in that way only mutual survivors of emotionally neglectful or abusive families and religious trauma can, like every thing I do or say can be wrong, or isn't giving someone enough attention or isnt the response they want or is bad bad bad bad

and so yeah, making new friends is hard

letting people in feels impossible

looking for decent jobs too

I'm not a mess in the way I have been but it's all messy inside and I'm sad and tired and very hypersensitive to rejection, every day breaks and makes me again and I miss writing and loving and feeling good

I thought pride would be so fun and make me feel better. It was cool in a lot of ways, but also grimly corporate and fangless and expensive, there were a ton of missed connections and the couple I went with was being nitpicky and hurtful to each other and even at the club dressed to the nines and dancing my little gay heart out I felt disconnected and ignorable (maybe it's just a Seattle thing, moving from a small-town environment into big urban reminds you you're nothin special all in all) and couldn't see the magic

I miss my ex or at least keep seeing stuff that reminds me of caring about her in that specific way and the bridge we tried to build across everything despite it all and I know we still care about each other just couldn't stop the fucking awful Bullshit, moving on would be easier if I could just dismiss people entirely

and at work things started falling apart too, my boss got super guilt happy at overworked caregivers and I lost all respect for him and was mega triggered and posted about it and embarrassed myself. theyre more okay I guess but everyone seems so demoralized and worn down by being criticized and used up and overcharged and under loved and I don't want to give any more right now, I want to rest rest rest and make art and I can't let myself while I'm living in someone's living room and both of us are working around eachothers mood disorders

meanwhile my family while making progress is still on about how I have to accept criticism of my gender identity if I want to talk to them about the harm done by their religious ideology and MEANWHILE I develop deep feelings for yet another unavailable cis man for bare minimum shit

i don't know I guess it feels like other people know how to have friends and love and enjoy things and I am missing the boat and if I don't change something indistinguishable super fast, it will be too late for me and I will continue to ruin every good thing that comes my way and.magnetically attract trouble

and it doesn't help that my attempts to connect online also feel desperate and awkward like I'm really a sick puppy who wants headpats but aren't we all they say

some days I do think overall it would be easier to Kermit but I can't do that to my siblings AND there are many buoyantly beautiful things bout life I am looking forward to like top surgery and kissing boys like I mean it which someday will feel real and not like a knife twist in the chest

also I haven't got enough sleep lately and my period came back so hopefully this stupid shit is more bearable in a few days I'm just gonna watch OFMD and hug myself to sleep and literally kill anyone who is a hater about the tiny things that bring me joy bc I am fucking doing my best out here to stay afloat and not yuck other people's yums either

#personal #i wanna say BPD but also just #too much shit happening #also my fuck ass ex employer has nog emailed me back about my tax documents #which i need to get my return #everything is too much i really do want and need a hug #suicide mention

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sunarintoes · 3 years

Text

synopsis: Yn Ln is an environmentalist - Miyagi University’s very own campus ‘Green Thumb.’ One day Hinata Shōyō - who happens to be a close friend of Yn, invites them to come to one of his races. The only problem is that this race of his is… illegal. Follow the journey of Yn who has been sucked into the world of illegal street racing with one goal: to create an eco friendly race car!

wc: 1.3k

cw: reader has a panic attack and faints

Masterlist

1.6 Can We Be Friends?

‘Hey stranger. Been a while.’

How long has it been since you heard that voice? A month? Maybe two? Whatever it is, it has been a long time. You can not erase the memories of someone so important in such a short time, sure you can pretend to but your subconscious knows better. Maybe it was a mistake to push him out of your mind because now that he is in front of you everything comes back in an overwhelming wave of emotions. The good and the bad. You do not know what to feel - there is too much. Euphoria, a rush of happiness because he is finally back yet angst, he left you hurt and lonely. Wait. You stop your rampant thoughts, I’m with Kiyoko, you tell yourself, Oikawa was nothing more than a frien- a common stranger.

‘Heard you’re with Karasuno’s pretty manager…’

‘Mm.’

‘Thats uh, that's good for you,’ he pauses to take in a sharp breath, ‘About that day… a month, 3 weeks and four days ago-’

‘You counted?’

He looks away from you, ‘yeah…’ his voice is shaky and quiet, and you wonder why he is so nervous. Is it you? No, no it cannot be- you shake these thoughts from your head and concentrate on the man in front of you.

‘I've uh, I've missed being strangers with you.’

‘Yeah me too,’ he breathes out slowly, ‘If I'm completely honest- I'm uh... well. It's not that I'm not honest or that I find it hard to be honest or that I'm a liar. I'm not a liar, I promise. It's just that I uh, I just find it hard to find the right things to say and when I do it's just, it’s too late to say them or I'm too scared to say them or I can't will myself to say them. I’m a coward. Yeah a huge one- look I'm sorry! I'm really sorry for the way I acted, I took your care for granted and I uh should've heard you out. You're a good friend- no! Stranger! Yes. Stranger. You're a good stranger. I um…’

You look at him with a smile, ‘You’re rambling.’

‘Yeah, yeah I am. Sorry. I guess it's just what happens I- right. Basically, I want you bac- as a friend! No! As a stranger! Please come back to me? I miss your warmth and the comfort and solace that comes with a kind stranger-’

‘Me too.’ He looks at you with shock scribbled all over his face, ‘I've missed you too, Tooru. Maybe, just maybe…’

‘We can be friends?’

You giggle, and he follows suit. ‘Who knew we’d be in sync?’

‘Yeah that's weird, we only just reconnected y’know?’

‘I know right? Maybe it was meant to be?’ You say it jokingly but it idles in the back of your throat, you said it jokingly… right?

He hums lightly, ‘I've done some soul searching this past month.’

‘Oh yeah? Have ya found anything?’

‘I think… But I'm not sure yet. I'm not sure when I'll know but I hope I can find a conclusion soon… Maybe, maybe you can help me? And give me some advice like you used to?’

‘As a friend it'll be my honour.’

Oikawa feels heat prick at his cheeks, ‘Not now’ he whispers to himself.

‘What was that?’

‘Maybe later? We can head over to the gas station and get a good ol’ vanilla bean frappe?’

‘Sounds perfect.’

‘Racers head over to the cockpit! The drag race begins in t minus fifteen minutes!’

‘Saeko’s as loud as ever huh?’

‘Well she is in charge of the announcements,’ you laugh, god he’d missed that laugh.

‘Guess I better head over huh?’

‘Yeah I guess you better, I'll be cheering for you - quietly of course. Can't let my team know,’ you wink at him, ‘Oh and Tooru?’

‘Hmm?’

‘Nice makeup. The glam look suits you.’

He flashes you a gorgeous smile and honestly? That’s just as good as any other reply he could have said. You turn around and head back to Karasuno’s garage, ‘Shit’ you curse to yourself, ‘Why is my heart beating so fast?’

✄.

‘Yn! Where’ve you been? I've been worried sick!’

And like a harsh wave on a windy day, you feel a rush of guilt splash over your whole body. You had forgotten, even if for a little while, that you had someone - that you had Kiyoko. Oikawa’s just a friend you tell yourself, you only feel this way because he is finally back. Nothing more, nothing else.

You look up into her beautiful, deep blue eyes and this time, for the first time in a long time, you notice how much she cares for you. It is so obvious, the way she looks at you like you are the only one in the room and it's so, so unfair. It's unfair that you cannot look at her that way. She deserves someone who loves her just as much as she loves you and you hate yourself, you really do, because you know you’ll never love her like that.

And then it strikes you. You only want her for her body. And the wave of guilt? It becomes a tsunami and suffocates you from the inside out. You feel your heartbeat speed up - when did it become as fast as the race cars? Then suddenly the tight, unforgiving noose around your throat ties itself stiff, you can't breathe. The last thing you hear before your world fades black is the desperate cries of Kiyoko, what’s she calling, you ask yourself, god… she's calling after me. I wish I could call out to her.

✄.

You wake up to a familiar scene, you are at Kiyoko’s.

‘You're finally awake.’

You turn your head towards her soft voice, ‘Mm Kiyoko? What happened?’

‘You went missing for about 15 minutes before the race started- or well before we had to get ready. When you came back you fainted and Asahi helped bring you here.’

‘I’m sor-’

‘Don't apologise. Just tell me what's on your mind.’

‘It’s, Im- I…’

‘Please,’ she begs.

‘Kiyoko I- I'm sorry. I don't know if it's just… I'm just overwhelmed at the moment. I'm sorry.’

‘Mm,’ she mumbles, moving closer to you. You feel her warm arms encircle you and pull you towards her, your back to her chest. Your heart does not speed up, it calms down. Maybe that's the effect of familiarity? ‘Lets just have a nap, yeah?’

‘Yeah,’ you whisper.

Her warmth brings you comfort, a comfort you wish you could give back. Maybe you are? Maybe you're not… you don't know. Her light snores used to be music to your ears but now they're nothing more than a mesh of messy drum beats, booming and thumping around your head. A small tear slips down the side of your face, ‘I wish I loved you.’

✄.

Kiyoko wishes you loved her too, she wished you loved her for more than just her body and the memories but you don't. Not that it matters, she thinks, as long as you are with her - as long as she can touch you, she doesn't care how you feel about her. She’ll take what she can get and she is oh so desperate for you, your touch, your taste, your sounds and oh god she must be a masochist.

When did she become so sadistic that she got off on her own pain? On your pain! She loves that you're broken and hurt and confused because that means she gets to be with you and oh she wishes that you’ll stay that way forever.

That is horrible isn't it? Yeah, she knows she’s fucked up but she’s fucked up for you and she wouldn't have it any other way.

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moogieandadhd · 2 years

Text

trauma ferris wheel - A Personal Note on ADHD and the Holidays

(i want to briefly apologize for my absence. i was pretty unmotivated to write, i got a full-time job, and i took a break from my meds for a bit. but, i'm back, and i have a lot to say. thanks for being awesome and patient with me, friends. i hope you guys are having a safe and healthy holiday season.)

there are many things i want to say to my family members during the holidays when the inevitable joke at my expense happens. for the past year, in particular, it has been about me never getting a license. i am 22 and i still only have a permit. the jokes were funny at first, but now they send me into a spiral of insecure thoughts. not a big deal on the outside, but after being berated and not even asked why it's taking so long (financial restrictions and debilitating anxiety, thank you very much), it starts to take a toll on you.

maybe you have receptive family members who you can say "hey, that wasn't really funny and i'd appreciate it if you didn't joke about that" and theyre like "hey man, im sorry about that, i should have been more mindful, i got you." but maybe most of your family is like mine and when you bring up that sometimes they say hurtful things, you're met with "you have always been so sensitive. it was just a joke, come on." or something along those lines.

now, take that and apply it to pretty much every little thing that you do. that is what living with ADHD is like. everything you do is inconvenient, or annoying, or misunderstood, and you are expected to mold yourself into the neurotypical's expectations of how you should be. but god forbid you ask for a little consideration.

with ADHD, many of us dread the holiday season. if it were up to me, i wouldn't have visited my family and just dealt with the "maybe i should have gone" guilt later. that sure beats physically having to leave the room and hide in the bathroom because everyone is loud and there are to many lights and everyone is far too touchy and the fancy clothes you were forced to wear have become a boa constrictor around your entire body and....

when we disappear from these overwhelming situations, i have also noticed it isn't met with great reception either. "you always have to be the center of attention, don't you? why do you need to make everything about you?" as if protecting your brain from an overload which would lead to a panic attack or a shouting match would have somehow been better.

again, misunderstood.

or maybe you are one of those ADHDers who love the holidays, either because your family isn't filled with self-interested people, or because you have already cut those people out of your life and you now have the freedom to make new memories and enjoy holidays the way you want to. how i envy you!

when i was younger, i loved the holidays because i was always so understimulated and seeing my cousins and spending hours playing games and running around was genuinely fun. now that i am an adult and my attention is now spread thin between maintaining my home, my mental and physical health, my marriage, my job, college, my social life, my bills, and still somehow find free time to relax... the holidays might as well be an inner ring of hell.

another stressor is finding the right gifts. some people make no sense to me and i have no clue what to get them, but a gift card feels so impersonal and lame, and then the other people who you know a perfect idea for but that particular item is also $900 and you make minimum wage.

not to mention, nobody ever seems to get your gifts right. they assume they know you and would want you to have something they want you to have - but it's just not you. fair enough, our hyperfixations can change like the weather, but ask us about it and we probably have something in mind.

or, the bittersweet feeling when you're gifted something in relation to a hyperfixation that you are no longer madly in love with and have since all but thrown it away. i weirdly feel guilty, and sad. but i remember how much i loved that thing, and how close it would have been to my heart, and how amazingly excited i would have been to have that gift at the peak of the fixation.

if you have a comorbidity with your ADHD, which most of us do (combined type adhder here with generalized anxiety disorder and cptsd, with a history of disordered eating, how fun), there's so much more to dread during the holidays. there's insecurity, triggers galore, you name it. but that's for another post, i suppose.

i know this idea has been regurgitated forever, but i really do wish that ADHD wasn't named after the symptoms that are burdensome to neurotypical people. "attention deficit", but i pay attention to everything at once. "hyperactive", but i just need to move around more or talk it out before i can feel content. that's just who i am, and the fact that it is an inconvenience really does just feel like pushing on a bruise.

if you had a fantastic holiday, i'm so happy for you. may that warmth follow you into the new year. if you didn't have a great holiday, i'm sorry. you probably didn't deserve that stuff. or maybe you fucked up royally in some way. no matter, you're still human and you still deserve love. know who loves you and who doesn't and weed out that shit you don't need anymore. you can start fresh whenever you want. make a little room to forgive yourself. love you.

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khaleesiofalicante · 3 years

Note

me, nodding of to sleep: IM HERE IM HERE

did my head just loll to the side? you will never know. first of all this chapter was the most beautiful thing i have ever read. Mavid have my HEART. It's also 4 16 am so im sorry if the reactions are a little bland but this was PERFECT.

me, throughout the whole thing: mavid mavid mavid

They had kissed for the first time almost a week ago. And they had kissed again. A couple of times.

Okay fine, they had kissed a lot since then.

Not a lot a lot. But a lot.

Wait a minute. How much kissing was a lot of kissing?

this is adorable

“I heard he cried when he found out Lexi and Liv were dating,” David chuckled.

yup that's jace

“We have to pay to talk on the phone?” Max asked incredulously. “I thought it was free.”

“Of course it isn’t free, Max!” David chuckled. “We have to pay for WiFi too.”

“This is ridiculous!” Max said. “Next you will say we have to pay for electricity.”

“Um, we do have to pay for electricity,” David chuckled again.

we pay for water too

but max you didnt know-

“Don’t let them guilt trip you!” Max had chastised. “They like doing chores. Let them do it. They fight demons all day and then come home and do chores. I feel like it’s their form of therapy. They need this.”

cant relate nope

“I don’t know,” Max groaned. “My family is so dramatic.”

the lightwood-banes in one sentence

THERE ARE SO MANY FEELS MY HEART CANNOT CONTAIN

“Well, too late!” Max announced. “This date is going to be the best first date in the history of first of dates.”

In retrospect, he really shouldn’t have said that.

nah its gonna be great

“Perhaps you should just take him to the New York Library. They have, uh, books.”

yes that is what they keep in libraries

OH MY GOD THE FRIEND IS ELYASS

HERE'S MY FAVORITE DEMON Y'ALL

His parents would not be pleased if they knew Max was summoning demons for relationship advice.

But they had also encouraged Max to make friends with everyone regardless of their identity. So, technically this was their fault. They gave him very mixed messages.

well-

you know i really shouldnt have laughed at the demon attack news but for some reason i did

i blame my sleep deprivation

shit i feel sick

you know maybe i shouldve just waited till the morning...

ok but the demon attack is NOT coincidental

there is something going on

“I thought dragon demons were extinct!” Max yelled over the commotion.

well-

ANJALI

“Man, fuck the orders!” Max said in frustration.

if you get hurt ill kill you

oh it's not her

well fuck

“That was an Armani, you piece of shit!” Rafael yelled at the demon. Max almost laughed.

THE AUDACITY

It really did. Dragon demons smelled like they lived inside a boys locker room.

well that's nice to know

FUCK THEY ARE TALKING NOW???

ok what is going on

“Say the thing!!!”

“I’m not saying the damn thing, you maniac!”

“Say the thing!”

Rafael groaned and raised his hands, the alliance rune lighting up.

“I’m not just a shadowhunter,” Rafael said through gritted teeth. “I’m Magnus Bane’s son.”

LMAO THEM

“Well, demons are stupid,” Max pointed out.

“Yeah, that makes sense,” Rafael said with a mouthful of food. “You are half demon after all.”

Im so sleepy i cant even react to this

but THEM I CANT-

WHERE.IS.ALEC

Max wanted to laugh. Only David would worry about another person while being injured in the infirmary.

MUST BE PROTECTED

Max nodded; his throat still dry. He couldn’t stop staring at David. At the wound. At the blood.

Also, maybe the naked chest.

AHEM

OH MY GOD JAIME IS ALIVE

we're getting lightwood-bane fluff LET ME CRY

alec...

on one hand alec smoking is fucking hot BUT WITH THE MUNDANE DISEASES OH HELL NAH

“But it tastes so good when it’s from your plate!” Max said with a mouth full of food.

“Oh, you want my food? Here!” Rafael grinned and threw a piece of chicken at his face.

Max caught it with his mouth cause wasting food was a crime. “Thanks, bro!”

“You little s-”

HE CAUGHT IT IN HIS MOUTH

“And no fighting over chicken!” Bapak pointed out. “We can always summon some more.”

“Order,” dad corrected. “We don’t summon. We order. And then we pay.”

“How do we destroy capitalism if we have to pay for everything?” Max asked.

Max has a point y'know

“That’s rich coming from someone who is wearing an Armani jacket,” Max stuck out his tongue.

“It was a gift!” Rafael said, furiously chewing on his chicken.

“Does that mean Bapak is a capitalist?” Max asked.

LMAO

Max: What even-

Max: Can shadowhunters get high on iratzes lol

CAN THEY???

David: Mr Herondale yelled “Yes! Two out of three!”

MOOD

PLEASE RAFAEL AND MAGNUS ARE LIKE "About time"

SAME THOUGH

“David is what you get if Dad and Uncle Jace and Uncle Jem had a baby.”

STOP NO

“Oh,” Max said. “Uh, David and I…We are dating.”

Dad choked on his coffee. “Excuse me?”

Bapak chuckled next to him. “Of course you didn’t know.”

“You two are dating?” dad demanded. “Since when? Who else knows about this? Why didn’t you tell us before? Were you dating when you were in London? Magnus, did you know about this?”

“There you go!” Max yelled triumphantly. “That’s the dramatic reaction I was looking for. Thanks, dad!”

There's alec. Yup

OH MY GOD NOT THE SEX TALK

good thing i had wattpad I MEAN-

“Kissing?” dad gaped. “On the mouth???”

“Um, where else would we kiss?” Max asked incredulously.

“Well, actually,” Bapa cleared his throat. “There are many ways you can enjoy-”

IM CACKLING

And that’s how the next hour turned out to be the most painful and most embarrassing hour of his life.

Max decided he would rather get attacked by a hoard of dragon demons than sit through it any longer

“You guys know we have something called the internet, right?” Max demanded.

“Well, the internet can have mixed messages,” Bapak sniffed. “We on the other hand have real life experien-”

“Magnus!” dad looked red in the face.

“Fine,” Bapak sighed. “Now moving on to the importance of lubrication and-”

“I’m begging you to stop,” Max groaned.

THE NOISES WHICH LEFT MY MOUTH ARE NOT OK TO BE MAKING AT 3 30 AM

“I’ll have you know this conversation utterly traumatized me. I demand financial compensation.”

HE'S SO DRAMATIC

“Well,” dad said carefully. “David is…”

“French?” Max asked.

i blame my sleep deprived ass for laughing at this

next thing i know someone's being tortured and im laughing because i dont have sleep in my system

Max honey...

listen to him

i for one, dont want a repeat of pg 511 cols

oh he's finding out about the incident

that's what i call it

Max thought of all the stories he had heard then. The one of the warlock who killed people who he could bring back his dead girlfriend. The one about a nephilim mother who paired up with prince of hell to bring back her dead son.

oh yeah...

shudder

They called it The Jem effect.

AYYYYY

It was true. In fact, he used to have a crush on both Tessa and Jem. It’s how he had found he was bisexual.

very very valid. have a good day sir

AWW MAX DIDNT KNOW HE COULD BLUSH

you know it's a sign ive been watching b99 too much that i was imagining mina talking like gina...

pls send help

ALSO MINA BESTEST SDCHJDFVYDYUGFYUGFVDYVFD

“Can we not talk about my boyfriend’s sperm, please?”

im surprised my parents havent woken up by the sound i let out

BUT HEY THE DOOR'S CLOSED SO

SUGGENS MINA

“I’m hearing an inflated sense of self-importance,” he heard Ragnor call from the bathroom. “Is Magnus here?”

“Just the spawn,” Max called back.

THE SPAWN BYE-

“He is married to the Consul!” Tessa chuckled. “And one of his sons is a shadowhunter.”

“It’s still very bad for our reputation,” Ragnor grumbled. “He is too close with shadowhunters.”

“You are the headmaster of Scholomance!” Catarina said incredulously. “You teach nephilim! Even though you don’t need a job!”

“I was coerced!” Ragnor huffed. “Manipulated by the children of the angel.”

really ragnor?

The grin disappeared and Ragnor buried his face on Catarina’s shoulder. “I can’t go through this again, Cat! Not again!”

“So much for not taking up after his father, huh?” Catarina chuckled and looked at him. “That’s nice, Max. We are happy for you.”

“We are not!” Ragnor said in a muffled voice.

RAGNOR DJHDCUHUKIHDVVFDDB

OOOO MAX DIDNT KNOW ABOUT CAMILLE

a kind of endless love...

dont make me cry

“I know you are worried, love,” Tessa’s voice was a whisper. “You are worried about surviving after David. You are worried about your own heart. But you should never let that fear stop you from finding love. Because love is what sustains us immortals. It keeps us alive. When you love a mortal, you love them forever. You might not remember all the memories. The colour of their eyes or the sound of their voice. But you will remember the love. You will carry that love inside you forever. It does not make you weak or fragile. It makes you stronger. And you will forever be grateful for it.”

my eyeballs are too tired to cry

stop it

THEY SAID I LOVE YOU

I FEEL LIKE A PROUD MOM

bitch you hate children wtf-

Max laughed. “I’m going to kill dad for making us do this. God, this is so weird!”

better get it done now

HE'S DAVID'S FOREVER

dont do this to me at 4 am

“You should two should some spend time together. Get to know each other and all of that,” Max suggested with a smile. “Maybe you can bond over archery or something.”

“I’m pretty sure he would use me for target practice,” David mumbled.

“Don’t be ridiculous, David!” Max said incredulously. “My father doesn’t need target practice!”

At this point, a David and alec scene isn't a want its a NEED

“I got it all planned,” Max said – for someone who had no idea what he was going to do.

me throughout life

max Rafael isn't the one smoking-

OH MY GOD MY DAD JUST CAME TO CHECK ON ME THE WAY I SLAMMED MY LAPTOP

“Also tell him to stop smoking!” Max pointed out seriously. “It’s not good for his health! Especially with all the mundane illnesses going on.”

“I know, Max,” dad sighed heavily and blinked. “I mean, I’ll talk to him. For sure.”

Alec if anything happens to you...just know ill raise hell

“I don’t want easy,” David smiled. “I want you.”

IT'S 4 AM DUDE

AYYY THE SHANGHAI SHADOW MARKET

CELESTIAL PALACE

“Dad? The Consul? That dad?” David looked surprised and relieved all at once. “Oh my god, he doesn’t hate me!”

“Of course he doesn’t hate you!” Max chuckled. “But he did say he will put your nerd ass in the silent city if you don’t bring me home by 11.”

of course, he did

oh my god SLEEP. there is so much to do tomorrow dying...my grammar was really bad and I don't have what it takes to use Grammarly's corrections except for the ones it's already doing as type.

this chapter had my heart BURSTING!! AHHHHHHH

the talk was so important I'm so glad they took care of that. ok imma head to bed now BYEE

Eeeeeee this was a lot sfkjdfkd I hope you are okay. Get some sleep next time or I will call the police.

Thank you as always for reading, reacting and supporting 💚

#lbaf

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fictionkinfessions · 3 years

Note

im tired. I'm so tired of acting happy all the time, of being the "over excited stupid puppy". I get that's how I seem a lot of the time when you get to see me in the game but I'm sick of people belittling my depression and calling me stupid and just telling me to suck it up because it's "out of character" and "the real papyrus isn't this pathetic". News flash, I am "the real papyrus". I am no less real than other "normal" alters or fictives or kins or other Papyrus' or whatever else. I am no less real than you. I wasn't Made for you so why do you feel so entitled to control my existence. If you don't like the way I am then why do you actively try to interact with me im not going to change and I'm done catering to everyone just so I'm not a burden. Im sorry that I'm not so two dimensional as to have my only personality traits be "obnoxious happy childish idiot".

It's been making me so angry. Ever since I formed in the system everyone outside of it has treated me like I don't know anything and like I'm somehow less than my "canon" self when I'm not even from the canon they think I am but I'm not going to tell them I'm from the fucking Hand Plates au because then they'd just use that against me too because trauma is apparently their favourite tool to use against someone.

I don't get it, honestly. They constantly tell me to be quiet but when I am quiet they get angry about that too. I tried to make everyone happy I really did but it's taken such a toll on me. I need to stop.

I miss Sans. He never judged me, he never yelled much at me unless I was being genuinely stupid and dangerous. He never got angry at me for being loud or childish he'd just ask me to quiet down if I got too much and gave him a headache. He'd just... Let me be me and that included letting me be Not happy. Granted he wasn't perfect but neither was I. We tried our best given the lives we were handed.

I miss Undyne and Alphys and Mettaton and... Everyone. I miss them all. I miss being allowed to love people without guilt. I miss being real. I feel fake and hollow. This life feels like a dream, it doesn't feel real, the people I meet don't feel real, the things I do feel like they have no meaning. It feels like I must still just be in the lab, waiting to be ripped apart again. I just want to lay in bed and never go outside again. I don't care about the sun anymore. It's scorching and it hurts. I never want to see another human again. I hate looking in the mirror out here. I hate looking at my hands I hate everything about being in this body it's so Human. I miss the underground. Which I feel bad for when I remember what everyone sacrificed to get to the surface but I don't want it anymore. I was wrong to want this.

Papyrus (Handplatesfictive)

#fictionkinfessions #papyrusfictive #handplatesfictive #aufictive #ableist language cw #fandom issue #chara hate #ableism cw #prevabuse #medical abuse cw #medical cw #experimentation cw #mod party cat!

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cottoncandy-jester · 4 years

Text

Lie down darling it's time for a dream

Bakusquad with a bara crybaby S/O

You may ask yourself"proxy what's this?!"

To answer youe question I have no idea I just want to indulge okay?!

Plus come on, a big buff reader being a bottom for their shorter lover is just amazing how could I not?!

Katsuki bakugo

Honestly he was the reason you cried the first time you guys met

He finds you to be both annoying and adorable

The way you hide behind him though despite you being taller makes his ego puff up

He is very soft around you and tries not to make you cry but sometimes he cant help himself

If he's the one who made you cry he was just aggressively kiss you while mentally screaming at himself for being so dumb

Anyone who makes you cry is dying

Even if you flinch cause of someone they are dying

Your soft behavior calms him down though if he's amped up though

Your tallness does irritate him though like who TF said you could be tall!

Is constantly yanking you down to kiss you

If anyone teases him about being the shorter one he goes boom

"SHUT THE FUCK UP! JUST CAUSE IM SHORTER DOESNT MEAN SHIT"

Let's everyone know that he's top dog between you two by biting your neck everytime you make out so others could see it

Speaking of make outs..when you cry during making out it makes him FERAL!

"look at the little baby, you're crying cause it feels so good eh? You want more kisses? Heh. Whatever"

You sniffle softly as bakugo run his fingers through your hair while straddling your waist. Today was a hard day during class and thw stress made you break down, you had to fight against bakugo and of course you going easy on him pissed him off so he snapped at you.

The two of you now sat in the dorm lounge while bakugo tried to stop your blubbering by kissing your tears away. A feeling of guilt weighted his chest down as he petted your hair and let you nuzzle your face in his chest if you wanted.

"come on [y/n] I said I was sorry, I didn't fucking mean it..so stop. I love you"

His soft whispers in your ear made you start to settle down and he smiled at the soft kisses he felt against his chest and neck. He simply sighs softly before picking his head up only to see deku and mina staring at the two of you with a crazy look. Bakugo growled loudly but looked at you before holding his anger since he didn't want you to cry again.. he'll kill them later for now you were the most important thing on his mind.

Eijirou Kirishima

This boy is crazy about you!

Like you are perfect in his eyes and he is constantly praising you til you are super red

He liked your height cause it's fun to hug you from behind or compare hand sizes

He gets pouty when he tries to kiss you but you are too tall like lean down so he can kiss your perfect face

He finds your fragile behavior super cute like you're shyness makes him smile

He will punch anyone who makes you cry like he almost got into a fight with bakugo when he made you cry

He gets annoyed if anyone calls you scary looking or asks if you're some delinquent cause you're tall

"please don't talk about him that way! He's really sweet and that is gonna hurt his feelings!"

Honestly cuddles for days

Your chest make him drool

If your hero costume has any part of your chest or even shirtless he is gonna stare

Work out dates together are to be expected

Seeing you get fit makes his knees weak

"i-i can't do sit up when y-you kiss me like that"

Your shaky voice made the redhead hold back a laugh as he sat infront of you holding your feet. He kissed you everytime you came up and after ten of those you were flustered and too shy to go on. Kirishima found your behavior so adorable that he just couldn't help but wrap his arms around you and kiss your cheek

"can't help it! My manly man is just so cute!"

You whined softly at his praise before you found yourself shyly nuzzling your face in the male's neck

"kiriii~ you're embarrassing me"

"oh? Can you not handle my compliments? What if I call you manly and handsome? What about cute oh and sweet! Not to mention you are just perfect..so perfect"

The praise was too much for you and you started to feel dizzy. You fell limp in the male's arms which made him panic so he pulled your face back from his neck to look at you only to see you were all red and freaking out

"k-kiri..called..me.. perfect-"

Your muttering made Kirishima laugh nervously before he kissed your head softly.

"okay tall guy let's cool you off before you explode"

Denki kaminari

If you thought Kirishima was bad with the praise denki is worse!

All his pervy energy is poured onto you and you can't handle it

Like constant praise and affection

Also..chest...man boobies is his weakness

His face is in-between your chest 90% of the time when you're together

Not only that but constant groping your chest

"[y/n]..your chest is like a girl but better! Sooo soft!"

As far as your crying he is the one to make you laugh when you're stressed or panicked

Will get hella pissed if someone were to make you cry

If he catches you crying best believe is will smother you with kisses and love to the point where you are flustered and laughing

As far as your height he is totally jumping on your back or asking if you can pick him up every once in a while

Will brag about you to everyone..like everyone

"[y/n] is so cool! They are so strong! plus their muscles are so sexy!"

Will say pervy this about tour chest to other people as well..like he has no shame!

"heh. During training his hero outfit ripped and i saw his yummy boobs!"

"y'know [y/n] is a dude rig-"

"gahhh! I'm so lucky! His cup size is like triple some of the girl sizes!"

You let out a shaky sigh as you heard a muffled groan from the male sitting in your lap with his face buried in your chest, well at least he was alive.

You were on your bed playing animal crossing while denki had his head buried in your shirtless chest. He requested you to be shirtless and you agreed since he's seen your shirtless before but this was getting kinda worrying

"h-hey denki, are you okay? You've been pressed against my chest like this for an hour..can you breathe?"

When you got no response you panicked before pulling denki back slightly only to see his face which was filled with bliss and joy, his eyes sparkled and his face flustered with the lack of air while blood dripped down his nose

"you're bleeding!"

You felt tears brim in your eyes as you tried to move to get a towel but denki simply latched onto you and nuzzled his face into your chest.

"I'm fine! I just- really like your warm chest"

You shivered lightly when denki gazed up at you with a sly grin

"you are too cute I can't help but cling to you like this y'know? My cute guy with such a cute body"

Before you could speak you winced at the feeling of a bite on your nipple

"d-denki!!"

"heh oops-"

Sero hanta

TEACH HIM YOUR WAYS

he wants to know how you got so big and buff like huh?!

Honestly when you two first met he was scared of you

Now he just loves you lots and lots!

He isn't about huge PDA like denki and Kirishima but he will hold your hand and even kiss it from time to time

Best believe he will tape someone's mouth shut if they make you cry

He finds your fragile behavior really cute and you have gained the nickname bunny cause of it

He loves touching your muscles and just cuddling with you

If he's the reason you ever cry expect him to do everything in his power to cheer you up

Sero looked at your weeping form curling up in the bed, you two got into a simple argument that left you in tears. He can't even remember what you two were fighting over but it was all stupid now, the male gulped thickly as he reached out and touched your hair before crawling up next to you so he could see your crying face.

"hey..bunny, look at me babe"

With a slight hesitance you faced him and felt him a kiss your tears away while holding tour hand tightly in his

"whose the best boyfriend in the world?"

You didn't speak but only whined lowly as soft sniffles escaped you but you were starting to smile so that was good. Sero simply kissed along your cheek and your lips very softly

"come on, who is it?"

"m-me.."

"yeah it's you, I'm sorry"

His voice sounded shaky as you two locked eyes before you hug sero close and mumbled out a soft I love you which he returned before you two cuddle close enjoying the other's warmth.

Mina ashido

Soft boy lover #1

Like she is so in love with how soft you are it's ridiculous

She adores hugging you and clinging onto you even if it makes you super flustered

She likes showing you off and bragging about you whenever she can

"[y/n] is so cute when he gets all flustered! He is just the cutest thing ever!"

Please let her give you many kisses

Will go protective mode if she sees you crying

"who did it! I'll fight them! No one makes my cutie cry!"

She wants to train with you as much as she can cause you are strong and she wants to get stronger

Loves to sit in your lap all the time

You have a bad habit of looming over her when you want something and it scares everyone

They don't know if you wanna kiss her of kill her

You found yourself standing over the girl while she was innocently chatting with jirou, you were as quiet as a mouse so she didn't notice you but it was clear you wanted something. You really wanted attention but wasn't sure how to get Mina's attention

Would it be rude if you were to hug her from behind? What about if you tao her shoulder to gain her attention? You stood there thinking but to anyone else you looked absolutely bloodthirsty.

"uh- hey mina, I think your boyfriend doesn't like me talking to you..so creepy"

You snapped out if it and winced at the insult, creepy?

You let out a hush sniffle as mins turned to face you only to wrap her arms around you and hug you tightly, she noticed your tears and shot jirou a quick glare if annoyance.

"a-am I creepy, mina?"

"oh, sweetie no! Of course not! You're my teddy bear, lean down"

You did as she said and leaned down before feeling her grab your face and cover it with kisses upon kisses. You felt your face flush as you whined lowly

"minaaa p-people are staring!"

"let them stare! They can all see how much i love you!"

You hugged the girl close as she kissed your face and you shyly returned the attention though you felt like dying from how flustered it made you.

#kirishima eijirou #bakugo katsuki #denki kaminari #sero hanta #mina ashido #bnha imagines

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koko-bopp · 4 years

Text

Flirty Criminal

criminal!song mingi X detective!m!reader

Part 4

word count – 3K

genre – Fluff/Angst | Criminal/Cop!au

warning(s) – mentions of cheating, threats

synopsis – “[Y/N] [L/N] is known famously around his police precinct as the detective that the infamous criminal Song Mingi has a crush on. The detective denies these claims, though Mingi gets into as much trouble as possible just to see him.”

Things were going well, to say the least.

On one hand, Mingi was madly in love with you, which is what you wanted. Having the criminal wrapped around your finger was what was necessary to complete the job assignment, you were hoping he'd soon melt and tell you what you needed. You didn't ship your husband to Chicago for no reason.

Yet, on the other hand, it was getting increasingly difficult to retrieve what you needed, Mingi was always acting like he wasn't some notorious criminal, he would show a very different side to how he would normally behave. He was sweet, affectionate, constantly horny and just– you wondered; is this what Song Mingi is when he's not leading his life of violent crime.

Three and a half weeks have ran by, hickeys littered your shoulders and many kisses have met your lips. None of it bad, but Mingi had this mindset of 'I am not clingy, but I am', enough for your colleagues to know that you're seeing someone (they all know damn well that it isn't your husband, he was never this possessive) while you would change out of your work gear in the locker rooms.

This new change of pace wasn't annoying or something you were struggling to adapt to. You're literally paid to act cute and go on dates with the guy. Yet it had crossed your mind multiple times as to whether or not you were actually catching feelings for Mingi.

"Wow, your house is really nice," Mingi said, his eyes wondering around the whole place.

It's a big house, it's nice, and you're very much proud of it. High ceilings, a swimming pool at the back, a lovely porch; everything you had wanted as a child. You wrapped your arms around Mingi, his hands holding your waist as you did so. You placed a small kiss on his lips, "I missed you."

"You saw me yesterday," He chuckled, leaning forward to place another kiss. "We're actually having dinner, right? Because I came here on an empty stomach and I'm kind of starving."

"I didn't have a chef's mindset, I hope fancy ramen and wine is enough," You giggled, smiling at Mingi.

He scoffed light-heartedly, "That's fine, Im just starving. Let's enjoy our dinner, yeah?"

"What the–"

Maybe your husband shouldn't have over-thought the idea of you sending him to Chicago. You told him it as because of the fact that Mingi knew who he was and he was a potential target; and it was partly correct.

But the man you once fell in love with was standing at the entrance of the dining room with the house keys in his hand, shocked expression, eyes wide and horribly confused.

He wasn't in Chicago.

He was in your house, watching you hold hands with Song Mingi as if you were married to him.

Half a second had gone by, and the shock on your husband's face was inevitable.

Mingi was the first to notice. His eyes were smiling with his face while he was looking at you but his expression went cold when he turned his head to the man who was uninvited. He scowled, "Can we help you?"

To which you promptly turned around to as well. Your eyes went wide and out of instinct you stood up and let go of Mingi's hand, turning to your husband, "Ty...What are you doing here?"

"Me?" He scoffed at you, before looking at Mingi, "What's he doing here?"

Mingi didn't hold back, "Date night." He leaned back against the chair, his elbow propped up on the neck of it, almost slouching, but not the lazy kind, the intimidating kind. "And I don't know about you, but I don't like jerks in suits ruining them."

Ty didn't like that. Especially since he felt so in the dark with this whole situation, and the fact that you weren't doing anything to defend him made it that little bit worse. He took a step forward, his nose scrunched in anger, eyes on Mingi, "I could fucking step on you, Song."

Mingi let out a sarcastic laugh, before dropping it to a smirk, "I could fucking shoot you."

"Enough." You frowned at both of them before turning to your husband, "You. Come with me. And you–" You said, pointing at Mingi, "–You stay here."

He rolled his eyes, but stayed put regardless. His gaze drifted to your husband, glaring daggers into the guy's soul as he watched the two of you exit the room. Mingi huffed, unscrewing the bottle of red wine to fill his glass to the top, leaving the narrowest space just so the red toxins didn't overflow and permanently stain the lint, beige, tablecloth.

You had entered the guest bedroom, Ty following behind you before closing the door, making sure that there was no way anybody would hear the two of you. Ty took in a very sharp breath, his eyebrows furrowed and his eyes still that bit wide from shock, "[Y/N]." He started, "[Y/N], what the fuck is going on?"

You crossed your arms, remaining calm, "Why aren't you in Chicago?"

"Excuse me?" Ty choked out, not really being able to comprehend the words coming out from his husband's mouth. "That's what your concern is? That I'm interrupting your date? Mind you, with Song fucking Mingi?"

You snapped; "I didn't interrupt your sex session with my partner, Ty."

Ty's expression went from angry to shocked. He opened his mouth to speak, then closed it again since his mind was too busy re-registering what you'd just said.

There were very few things you were telling the truth about the night you slept with Mingi, but one of them weren't the fact that you found your husband in bed with your partner. The white lie was when you knew. It wasn't that night, you knew months in advance, but you just didn't have the heart to confront both parties about it.

The only issue was, the more you put the confrontation on hold, the more out of love you were with Ty.

And it was the reason why you accepted the whole assignment to trick Mingi into being your boyfriend. You weren't willing to fix things with a cheater, you respected yourself too much for that, but you also went willing to risk putting Ty in danger either, so you told him that sending him to Chicago would be safest for him.

Ty obviously didn't get the message, since he's in the same household as a man who killed a bunch of people, as well as willing to kill someone who's hurt someone he loves.

"Yeah," you sighed, "That's what I thought."

Cheating on a cheater is like fighting fire with fire; there's nothing wrong with it, just as long as both parties are sane enough to manage the flames. But it doesn't mean that ones flame won't occasionally burn the other.

"Get whatever the fuck you need, then go to my precinct. I'll call Haulting, he'll send you on the next flight to a safe house." There's always a plan B. You lock eyes with Ty, no smile, no frown, just some expression that told him that you didn't care what he needed to tell you, "If you need to talk; you call Haulting, not me. He'll forward you to me during bussiness-hours if it's urgent."

"[Y/N], don't—"

"I already did," you said, "And you did too. So don't bother."

Ty frowned, his brows furrowed in the process. He really wanted to say something, something that will show his guilt but also stop you from what he thinks is a dangerous decision. Though he knows danger isn't something you worry about, you didn't become a detective for nothong.

He didn't say anything. He looked at you for the last time that night before walking past you. He couldn't believe he was listening to you, or even letting go of the fact that youre still going to be around that bastard.

He stopped in his tracks when he reached the enterance of the dining room. He glared at Mingi, the jerk was sitting in the chair, glass of wine half empty with a stupid grin on his face that was directed to Ty.

"Watch your step, Song."

"Watch your your back, punk." Mingi laughed, before giving a knowing smirk, "If you're not careful, there might just be a bullet heading your way."

Ty scoffed, heading out the door, not forgetting to slam behind him as he left.

Mingi rolled his eyes, taking a mouthful of the red wine before turning around to see you enter the room again. He smiled at you softly, "You okay?"

You nodded, sighing. "Yeah, sorry."

Mingi shook his head, putting his drink down. He watched you put your phone on the table, the device sitting up. He raised up from his seat, wrapping his arms around your waist and placing his chin on your shoulder, "My help is yours if you need it."

You smiled, just a bit, taking in the smell of his cologne with your arms wrapped around his neck, "Thanks."

Mingi's eyes accidently wandered to your phone. He saw the thing light up, so it was almost hard to miss.

Wayne Haulting (Supervisor)

[8:11pm] I know you're on a date with Song, but I need a report back on hi...

The criminal frowned. His thoughts rushed to one thing, then to another, before stopping when you pulled away from the embrace.

His heart almost melted when you smiled at him, the action replicating a similar expression on his face.

You sighed, "Sorry for ruining dinner." You said, gently pulling on one of Mingi's buttons, "Want to watch a movie or something?"

Mingi nodded, "Sure."

But not before his mind fixing to wanting to know what that text was about.

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