#its fucking HARD being a kid online man

[natsmagi]

I'm a fandom old, so I'd also say there's a strand of entitlement that's always been around fandom, but it's so much more normal now (for both artists and writers) since fandom's become less of a haven for weirdos and more mainstream. Fan writers and artists create FOR FREE and share with us, so complaining or being an arsehole about it is frankly shit.

YEAH....... ive been in online fandoms for like a decade now myself so 😭

if i were to guess id say its probably because nowadays people grow up online and have their whole identities and social circles online too, and its usually very young people who act this entitled towards creatives. it seems a majority of them believe that what you consume and how you consume it reflects your character because theyve made what they consume such a heavy feature of their identity but thats just. not true? you cannot get an accurate understanding of another person based solely off you stalking their page. it sucks too because young people tend to be more reactionary and react based off emotion so their judgement will be even further clouded. not to mention since theyre so judgmental of anyone who disagrees with this they end up forming an echo chamber which just. oh man.

alot of the arguments i see can basically be reduced to "this makes me uncomfortable so that means its immoral and should be eradicated" and thats just. a Really bad mindset to have..... if you cant handle certain things youre much better off muting/blocking and curating your online experience appropriately. this isnt the real world after all, our creative art and writing does not involve reality, its often an escape from it. it is not us creatives responsibility to ensure your online experience is full of sunshine and rainbows. most you can criticize us for is if we tagged the posts appropriately. and then making sure those tags are muted is YOUR responsibility. please take care of yourselves. we dont want you hurting, but we are our own individuals with our own life stories and we should be allowed to express those

the internet will never be a safe haven for everyone. what you may deem immoral might be another persons way of expressing emotions that are killing them inside, and i think thats the beauty of art. it is a purely subjective medium that can mean something completely different depending on the person viewing it. like fuck man theres so many things i find deeply upsetting so i just do my best in blocking it out of my sight. am i still gonna stumble upon those upsetting things in the wild? of COURSE i am, especially since some of what i find upsetting may not be that big of a deal to a majority of the population, and thats unfortunately the reality we have to live with. all we can really do is ask those close to us to be mindful and choose who we engage with carefully

#its fucking HARD being a kid online man #especially these days #but for the love of god #please do not make your issues the responsibility of complete strangers online #we dont know you so its weird for you to expect us to cater our art or writing specifically TO you #i dont know. having to deal with people forgetting that i am a human being has definitely been the worst part of posting online #but i love sharing what i love with others who love it just as much #and that sense of community heavily outweighs the bad #and i think more people should strive to find a place where they can unabashedly be themselves #rather than fixate on others not changing to benefit you #ask #also im not really looking to start discourse........ i am just a smidge tired is all #this is also very rambly dont come for me ok #i woke up like an hour ago

[spade-club]

Let’s play, “was I abused” game! Reblog and bold the things your parents have done to you! Italicize if you’re not sure. (copy paste it all and then bold)

(I found this and thought I might as well do this to help myself with denial later!! obvious abuse tw!! also I have a lot of stuff that came from outside the house too, but this is like. parent stuff yeah idk!!)

Physical abuse

parent slapped me to prove their point/teach me a lesson

parent spanked me as a “punishment” saying it was for my own good

parent pulled on my hair to force me to move

parent threw things at me while angry, things heavy enough to hurt me

parent trapped me into a room/corner so I couldn’t escape them

parent hit me when I wouldn’t obey them/tried to confront them

parent used a twig/stick/belt to lash at my body

parent grabbed me to force me to pay attention to them

parent pinned me down and physically prevented me from escaping

parent brought me into situations where I feared for my life

parent made it painfully obvious for me that I’ll obey them or suffer injuries

parent threatened to beat me if I wouldn’t do as they say

parent forcefully fed me something I refused to eat

parent made an attempt at strangling/drowning/burning me

parent banged my head/body into the wall/furniture

parent forced me into sexual activities

Emotional abuse

parent called me derogatory names and slurs more than once

parent said my name mostly with hatred and scorn in their voice

parent degraded and humiliated me in front of others for fun

parent insulted and devalued something really important to me

parent deprived me of something that meant the world to me

parent yelled and swore at me in anger more than once

parent blamed me for things that were out of my control/not my fault

parent shamed me for my physical appearance

parent guilt-tripped me for not pleasing them well enough

parent regarded me as a burden, and shamed me for needing them at all

parent insisted I couldn’t take a joke after I got hurt from their insults

parent never comforted me/got angry if I reached for comfort

parent punished me for crying/showing fear/showing trauma symptoms

parent humiliated me for showing excitement and happiness

parent subtly let me know that my feelings and my problems don’t matter

parent got angry at me for feeling depressed/angry/tired/suicidal

parent blamed me for feeling depressed/angry/tired/suicidal

parent compared me to cousins/other children to prove how I’m the worst

parent decided for me how I feel when it was convenient for them

parent told me that I was crazy/delusional/need to be locked away

parent threatened me with kicking me out/sending away if I don’t change

parent refused to accept my sexuality/tried to force it to change (gender but same deal)

parent required for me to act normal to protect family’s reputation

parent isolated me from family activities they all enjoy

parent assured me that nobody will ever want me

parent insisted that I was lucky and that I could have had it much worse

parent made me responsible for their well being and made me the caretaker

parent insisted that their harmful acts were all made “out of love”

parent demanded me to be available for their requests at any time

parent punished me for trying to establish boundaries

parent destroyed my belongings as a revenge

parent made inappropriate sex jokes and comments in my presence

parent denied doing any of this and insists that all the blame is on me

Psychological Abuse

parent kept pointing out my flaws as proofs that I wont achieve anything

parent called me stupid, incompetent, ignorant, while withholding information that I needed to know in order to complete tasks

parent would change their side of the agreement in crucial moment and then pretend it was obvious from the start

parent stalked me/distrusted me without any reason/invaded my privacy

parent attacked my insecurities and vulnerabilities in any argument

parent forced me into degrading actions while they watched me do it

parent threatened to leave me

parent accused me regularly of behaving the way they did

parent never acknowledged, praised or approved of my actions

parent always demanded they are right without any proof/explanation

parent insisted that they’re a great parent using financial support as proof

parent insisted that I should be grateful for how good they are to me

parent gaslighted me and tried to make me believe my memories weren’t real if I confronted them with what they did

Neglect

parent didn’t notice I haven’t been eating properly

parent didn’t notice I was sick/didn’t care for me while I was sick

parent didn’t notice I was injured

parent didn’t notice I didn’t have clothes/shoes I needed for school

parent didn’t notice I suffered from trauma

parent didn’t notice I was anxious and stressed

parent didn’t notice I was depressed

parent didn’t notice I was cutting myself

parent didn’t notice I was suicidal

parent didn’t notice I was being sexually abused

parent didn’t notice I was being bullied

parent failed to get me medical attention when it was needed

parent failed to teach me the very basics of self care

parent didn’t seem to notice any of my needs and feelings except the absolute minimum I required to survive (hardly even that)

when I notified them of these things, they denied it, accused me of lying, decided it wasn’t happening and/or blamed me for it

Financial Abuse

parent made me feel ashamed for needing money

parent made me feel like I’m a financial burden to them

parent only gave me minimal money to survive

parent made sure I never have a decent amount of money on me

parent took the money I earned from me

parent used the money to blackmail me

parent insisted since they “pay for my stuff” they have the right to control my behaviour and actions

parent had enough money for luxury but kept me without anything

parent refused to get my medicine/get me medical attention because it’s too expensive while they got everything for themselves

parent would keep me anxious over if they would pay my expenses or not

parent would make me do as much work for them as possible before they would pay for a necessity

parent kept me in the dark over family finances even when I was of age

parent would make sure I never have enough money to escape them

#oh man uh. hm. #literally im not kidding TODAY my parents told me I had it so easy compared to them #like. okay. you didnt hit me #congrats on that im sure that was so hard for you?? but like. that doesnt erase the everything else. #they literally started talking about the abuse they went through as kids and I was just like. I cant participate in this conversation. #and then my dad said its because I had it easier and im like. yeah sure well pretend thats why haha #anyway thank you emotional amnesia for allowing me to do this post easily. you suck but ily xx #also there was nothing for *dragging me through the house to get me to do what they wanted* but thats okay ig #also idk what forcefully undressing me and shoving me into shower classifies as either #so like. yk. there is some physical stuff too its just idk what to call either of those #oh also for the food one its bc I was allergic to the stuff they were feeding me and I told them that but they didnt listen!! #so pretty epic double whammy there #OH AND my mom would tell me after every fight *you better not be telling people about this* #to the point that I stopped telling people because I was scared she would find it and freak out #alsoalso the only reason she knew I was sh-ing was because she read my texts and then she demanded me to tell her everything about it #so she could *help me* or whatever. and then she promptly never brought it up again as if it never happened #so a lot of weird as fuck shit idk #also the way she checked my texts to make sure I was okay but didnt notice me being groomed online lol #and instead just taunted me about the crush I had that she found out about through that. fucking. okay. #okay thats enough oversharing I will just hit post now hehe

[waspstar]

i fucking hate hate hate that you have to like apologize for liking lemon demon now. jokingly or fucking not i HATE it i hate that its even a phrase that comes up in all of our minds when we bring ld up. in 2016 i had to apologize for liking it bcs nobody FUCKINGKNEW WHAT IT WAS. i had to say SORRYYY sorry i like this obscure internet band sorryyyy my bad THATS why i apologized BUT now we apologize on account of annoying ufcking fans and im fucking tired of it IM FUCKING SICK OF IT you have NO IDEA how annoying it is to have to do this now i just. sorry im getting a little too angry.

#have you seen jackie? #its true though. spirit phone changed my life in 2016 and it changed my perspective on art and music as a medium and it opened the door #for me consuming more music i liked as a child online with no other musical outlets #theres something to love in every album hes released. im tired of apologizing. im tired of these fucking fans that make us apologize #and im tired that its made out to be some cringy thing despite cringe culture apparently being fucking dead or whatever #fuck this #edit: no im not fucking done actually #another thing id like is for ppl to not be so fucking hard on the literal actual children that listen to lemon demon. #i was ELEVEN YEARS OLD when i first heard spirit phone #i know you guys all hate internet kids and teens and how much they annoy you but why are you ripping their heads off for #listening to music that frankly fits their age range pretty fairly #yeah maybe they are annoying but theyre fucking kids. get over it man. just get the fuck over it

[goldenamaranthe-blog]

Hazband 2: Band AU

Buckle Up, Buttercups. This is gonna be looooooooooong.

-"Insider Bands" playing on VH666 streaming services on a computer monitor / TV screen sitting on the desk against the far wall-

Charlie: (laying on her belly on her bed and chewing her nails like a cartoon goat chews through a field of grass as she watches the TV)

Riff Rascal: Alright, dudes, dudettes, non-duders, and rock-aholics! That was Simple Plain's newest single "Why Are We Kids?!". Coming up next, our guy, our big shredder, our big bad-

????: Dammit, Riff!!!! Just get on with it!!!

Riff Rascal: Yo, sorry, boss lady! Coming up next, we have our expert in all things metal and shredding, Axel Steelgrave, conducting a super secret, super exclusive interview with one of Hell's latest and greatest! Stay tuned!

Charlie: (whines and plasters her face into the comforter) Fuck! I really messed up! I shouldn't have released that album, guys! What if Vaggie doesn't like girls outside of the metal scene?! Then I'm just the creepy, stalker, pop diva who messages her on Sinstagram every once and a while! And likes all of her posts! And comments on each picture! And-

Razzle: (trying to finish polishing Charlie's hooves after a full pedicure and hoof care) Baap?

Charlie: So? It was only ever mentioned once in a tabloid that she was once in a poly ship with a man and woman before. Nothing set in stone. Who listens to tabloids anyway? She said she was a lesbian in her last interview with Angel Metal Monthly.

Dazzle: (brings up a wide array of nail polishes) BaaaAaaAp?

Charlie: Yes! She messages me back almost immediately after every message I send her, but that doesn't mean the's interested in me. She hasn't been online in a week! (rolls over and flops onto her back, covering her eyes with her arm) Not since Katie Killjoy did that whole news segment on my new single music video and album.

Dazzle: (painting Charlie's hooves in a deep red hue called "Wicked Sinister") Baaaaaaap. BaaaAAaaap. Baap. (clicks his hoof in a way that's supposed to look like a sassy finger snap and blows heated air over the paint)

Razzle: Baap! (scowls) Baaap. Baaa. Baap!

Charlie: Thanks, Razzle. No, Dazzle. I really don't think this is some kind of rebound. I really started liking her during the Battle of the Bands gig over at the Jackpot Hotel and Casino. She was the first person who didn't openly laugh at me being there even though I was the only pop singer there.

-VH666 blares back with a heavy metal guitar riff-

Axel Steelgrave: Hey, good evening, everyone. How's it going? Tonight, we have a very special guest. (camera pans out to show Vaggie sitting next to Axel in an interview chair) Lead singer, guitarist, and rocking girl, Vaggie the Steel Vagina from Fallen Angels.

Charlie: WHAT?!?!?!?!?! (crocodile death rolls around in her excitement and falls out of bed, completely wrapped in a burrito, and worm crawls over to the TV) RAZZLE!!! DAZZLE!!! TURN IT UP!!!

Razzle: (salutes) Baap! (grabs the remote and turns up the volume)

Dazzle: (sad bleats as he looks at the mess of nail polish everywhere) baaaaaap.....

Vaggie: (trying not to snarl at the name) It's just Vaggie, Axel.

Axel Steelgrave: Oh, sure. Sure. Well, thank you so much for taking the time to come and see us. Not gonna lie. We were shocked to hear that you were coming out with a new single so quickly.

Charlie: (plasters her face to the screen) New Single?!?!?!?!?!

Vaggie: (blushes slightly) Well, I figured after hearing the Princess's new album and call-out, I should work on a reply.

Angel: (from behind the camera man) You wouldn't have had ta write and record a whole new song and music video if you just sent 'er a video of you jacking it all week! I've never heard dat vibrator work so hard in its life! I swear I smelled smoke last night!

Charlie: (squeals, gasps, and shrieks all at once and falls backwards)

Vaggie: (jumps up from her seat) Angel! What the Fuck?!

Axel Steelgrave: Well, well, well, I guess that answers my next question. I take it this new single is going to be good news for the Princess?

Vaggie: (still steaming as she sits back down and tries to compose herself) I know you have the video on hand. Why not play it and let the fans see for themselves?

Axel Steelgrave: I couldn't have said it better myself. (to the camera) With that being said, let's take a look at a sneak peek of Fallen Angel's new single: "Dear, Charlie - For Somewhere Better".

-Video cuts to some random point in the music video where Vaggie is standing in black leather skirt that has the leather ripped into strips in a hoola-skirt style, black halter tank top, thigh high leather heeled boots, and black fingerless gloves, holding and shredding a guitar. Angel is a pink, fabulous gay disaster on drums while one set of hands works a keyboard.-

Vaggie: (singing) We'll ignite. Still dreaming wide awake. On the hunt for "Somewhen brighter". Pull me close now, and I'll dream until my dying day. Till we create a new "Somewhere better". The promise of a life. Like a thousand suns inside my broken heart. I can see through your eyes. And embrace the flame that guides me through the night.

-Video Cuts back to the interview-

Axel Steelgrave: (freaking out excitedly) Wow! That's quite the statement! Good on you, Steel Vagina!

Vaggie: Vaggie.

Axel Steelgrave: Before we end this exclusive, is there anything you want to say to the Princess in case she's watching?

Vaggie: (Face falls briefly as her eye widens and a blush colors her face) Oh.... (shakes her head to compose herself, looks into the camera, and makes a telephone gesture) Call me~

Axel Steelgrave: (laughing) Alright! You heard it here first, folks. "Dear, Charlie" will be available on HellTunes tonight at midnight. Thank you all so much for tuning in. And, as always, stay rocking.

Charlie: (finally managing to unravel the blanket and sitting on the floor with a bright red blush) C-Call.... Her.... She wants me to call her... (jumps up and down like a teenager in a bad "not another teen movie" while holding Razzle and Dazzle's hooves) SHE WANTS ME TO CALL HER!!!! (pauses) How?! I don't have her number!

-DING!-

Charlie: (dives for her phone on the floor and opens a new Sinstagram message)

FallenAngelVaggie: Hope you got a chance to watch "Insider Bands" tonight. Talk to you later? Maybe over coffee? XXX-XXX-XXXX

Charlie: (takes a deep breath) SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

Vaggie: (leaning against the wall of the VH666 studio, holding her phone against her chest, and taking a long drag of a cigarette)

Angel: Hey! I thought you were quitting! (yoinks the cigarette and plops it between his lips)

Vaggie: Dammit, Angel! I said I'd be done once my case is empty! (digs in her pocket and pulls out an angelic steel cigarette case) It still has four left! I haven't even lit up in nearly six months!

Angel: I know! Proud of you for that. That interview rile you up that much that you gotta wreck six months of hard work?

Vaggie: Ugh! (slams her back into the wall) You think Charlie got the message?

-squeeeEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!

Angel: (looks up at the sky towards the Morningstar Mansion where it looks like fireworks are going off on one of the balconies) Oh, I think she got it~

#VH666 is a parody of MTV or VH1 back when they used to play only music videos - wow did I just date myself with that #band au #hazband #chaggie #charlie #vaggie #angel dust #supportive big brother angel #metal artist vaggie #pop star charlie #punk rock charlie #part 2 #Ad Infinitum reference #Song: “Somewhere Better” #Artist: Ad Infinitum #Song was adjusted to fit the narrative #Vaggie fits with Melissa Bonny so well #razzle #dazzle

[rakkuntoast]

is this a safe place? can i just talk my ass off on how phil's hard coded isolation in the way he plays affects his kids without him wanting to. the way tallulah reacted yesterday could be just boiled down to her being so used to being catered by phil and only being in groups of max 5 people. the isolation is why she feels like people dont get her like her dad or big brother does since they spend almost all time together. but she doesnt know anything about her siblings and other islanders either thanks to the isolation

and hell i've criticized and ranted A LOT on how phil's isolation is one of his character flaws, and how him letting himself be helped by people is what will help him wind down. but i dont want people to think his parenting way is inherently wrong, he loves his kids and caters to them as much as he can, his parenting style is leagues different from the others since he has to deal with stuff alone most of the time thanks to different timezones. hell this man is always 3-4 hours earlier than most of the members, if anything he can only catch tazercraft and fit online, maybe sometimes forever, etoiles or bad if he stays a little longer

like its mostly you have to watch his pov to get how it works for him, his eggs dont really wake up unless he's there (the exception of specific cases of literally they have to wake up to stay alive or someone hasd explicit permission to wake them up when he's not online like forever does now) he doesnt really have that kind of relationship the late night crew does, he doesnt really have that support network that he can be sure his eggs can just wake up at any time and someone is gonna be there to look out for them

what they need is to hang out with more people and like lives worth of therapy, cuz they have destructive ways to cope but you'd have to deconstruct so much fucking trauma to get them out

#qsmp philza #qsmp tallulah #also if i get a mf shit talking death family in this post i'll fucking murder you #long post #i will defend death family like my life depends on it you dont get them like i do #also this is not to invalidate richas feelings from yesterday. it just feels like a lot of people dont get how the death family works at al #i already had my piece of mind with what happened with richas already #and this is more of a qphil analysis cuz his cubito drives me insane

[is-the-owl-video-cute]

going to be real bunwitch seems to be pretty happy that scout's going through it. extremely fucked to look at a person in a high stress situation with their personal pets and go "haha i doubt its real but if it is theyre just being dramatic". Like how fucked up is it that the other person mainly involved (bonefarm) who has experience with falsified animal control calls can sympathize with someone they dont even like but bunwitch is just completely shifting the blame off themselves and acting like scout is overreacting. if they werent the ones that did it, it was definitely one of their followers. certainly hope bunwitch doesnt have to worry about any false animal control calls or doxxing anytime soon, because theyre gonna get the exact amount of sympathy theyre giving scout.

Oh I absolutely have no doubt it was them or one of their pals lol. They’ve been pissing and moaning about Scout for days now for absolutely no reason. The last post I saw of theirs before I mass blocked a bunch of these weirdos started off with something like “I don’t get why culling newborn rabbits is bad but mice isn’t” yeah man, Scout didn’t say that though. It’s weird to cull pinkie mice solely for pattern or sex too. The main reason pinkies are culled is that they’re a specific size that makes them an excellent stepping stone in feeding baby carnivorous wildlife. I don’t personally cull pinkies as food because it’s a waste of resources and low in nutrition, but if you’re feeding something like a very small snake you don’t always have that many options since they swallow prey whole making it impractical to simply cut adult mice in smaller pieces. A newborn rabbit of most breeds is similar in size to adult mice and halfling rats so you can much more easily just use those and not have to worry about supplementing with calcium or anything. Rabbit meat in general is so low on fat it’s a bit useless to most carnivores as a food staple unless you have an obese carnivore you need to drop weight off of.

That’s a digression I know, but my point is that bunnyblr weirdos will take any opinion that may conflict with their interests and spin it into their own narrative to organize their pathetic little harassment campaigns.

“Oh you said goat kids shouldn’t be hard culled at birth in your opinion? Guess that means you hate rabbit breeding and want us dead but personally step on baby mice with your bare feet, also sometimes your cattle who live outside have mud on them im calling the cops on you in real life because I stalked you to find your name and address, I’m the normal one here!”

Anyway, I hope Scout gets some form of legal Justice for this because it really is just them openly threatening with a not-so-subtle “fall in line because I know where you live and how to find you by name if you move”. There’s no other justification because you cannot legitimately tell me that they thought sending an ACO to Scout’s apartment, not the property the cattle are kept at, their personal apartment where they live, was actually done in good faith to “save those poor moos” absolutely not. Nothing Scout has done is illegal or considered unethical by anyone who knows anything about cattle. This wasn’t done out of concern this was done with the intent to harm someone for saying something they didn’t like online. You don’t send a cop to the home of a queer person with good intentions. It’s absolutely sickening behavior.

[eoieopda]

[ateez as tinder dudes]

this is a joke, but i’m also convinced that i’m correct, so… there’s that. also, don’t look at me, incorporating a fourth (FOURTH!!!) group on my blog. i don’t want to talk about it 🫣

hongjoong

he’s treating this like a portfolio. he’s got the max number of pics uploaded, and they’re all editorial, like he’s expecting to be scouted. is he repping a brand? is he just flexing that he’s got better style than you ever will? he knows this is tinder, right? no.

absolutely no bio, whatsoever. his age isn’t even listed, somehow. you know nothing about him except that he owns more than one cowboy hat, and honestly? that’s all you need to know.

you’re actually 98.4% sure that he’s a catfish — who just looks like that? — but that’s not going to stop you from swiping right to see if he did, too.

he did not.

seonghwa

he’s intentionally using pics of him with his mother, with kids, with small animals, etc. because he’s calculating. couldn’t be more of a targeted attack if the profile was computer-generated. frankly, you can’t say if it was or wasn’t. suspiciously perfect.

that’s where the tinder prowess stops. he doesn’t know how the swiping feature works so he’s swiped right on everyone. oops.

his bio has subsections — plural — with endearingly dorky interests laid out in full. he’s well-rounded and objectively attractive to literally all people. man is everybody’s type, esp. yours.

tragically, he has never once responded to a message, and he never will.

yunho

he must’ve made this as a joke, right? every picture of him is hilariously unflattering or a recreation of a meme or some childhood photo, except the last one — which is a meme. it’s something obscure that appeals to the sense of humor of exactly .01% of the population. you can tell by looking at him that he is chronically online and had unrestricted internet access as a kid.

his bio is also absurd. this dude has something like “my first words were, ‘this human form is limiting’”, and it’s extremely polarizing. on purpose. puts his whole personality right there, right from the get-go because it will ward the wrong people off and flag down the exact niche he’s targeting.

i feel like he’s either a lukewarm conversationalist that makes you wonder how the rest of his profile was so funny, or the first conversation is an incredible, god-tier bit — and then, when the bit runs its course, you realize that he deleted his profile, never to be seen again.

rip

yeosang

all of his pictures paint an image of someone hard and edgy, and you’ve got it all wrong. you’ve been fully bamboozled, bestie. that is a whole ass fairy princess.

always messages first and/or responds immediately, revealing that he’s the most “uwu” person of all time. seriously, what the fuck? people unironically use “hehehe”? in this day and age? ^_^

unexpected gem. the person he actually is isn’t someone you would normally shoot your shot with, but you’re not mad about it.

one of the rare few on the app who would rather die than find a hookup (the idea makes him itchy, okay?) but he will actually seek and find a future spouse, just watch.

san

most of his photos are of him and his friend (it’s wooyoung. of course it’s wooyoung), and the subtext is so confusing that you can’t tell if they’re looking for a third or are just guys being buds ??? what is happening, and why are you so into it?

the photos that don’t include his friend (boyfriend? seriously, what is going on there?) are all action shots because he needs you to know that he is athletic and built. you do not need to wonder what he looks like naked because he’s not wearing a shirt in any of them.

he’s got the stock photo equivalent of a bio. most uninteresting thing you’ve ever seen, so you do not hit him up.

you should have :( you would’ve loved him.

mingi

i regret to inform you that this man has the most cringeworthy online presence of all time. god, he’s so fuckboi-coded!! and you hate him for it, but you hate yourself even more for being into because you sure are, diva!!!

i feel like the song on his profile is extremely questionable, either because it’s some bizarre, ambient instrumental; by someone that’s been justifiably cancelled and you don’t know whether or not he knows that; or worse, it’s his own.

all of his pictures are group pictures. you cannot tell for the life of you which one of them he is, requiring you to go to the instagram he’s referenced in his bio — which is exactly the point. the instagram links to his soundcloud because it can get worse.

if you actually bite the bullet and respond to his shitty pick-up line, he’s the bbygirl to end all bbygirls. absolute heart of gold. you almost want to smack him for being so bad at marketing himself.

get him a PR person to straighten his shit out; mingi is fired.

wooyoung

this motherfucker has deleted and remade his profile 8,000 times because he needs to “reset his matches” aka has spent every waking moment swiping.

he probably pays for tinder so he can swipe in other locations — not because he’s looking for anyone, but because he wants people to look at him.

you have to wonder who took the photos because they’re sure as shit not selfies but they’re all vaguely chic thirst traps (it was san. of course it was san.)

when it comes to messages, he either communicates exclusively with emojis or gifs, or he only responds to compliments. small talk? NOPE. tell him he’s pretty or get out :’)

if you do wind up linking (because the whole conversation thing is a lost cause), he’s insane. you’ll spend one night with him, never see him again, and you will remember him on your deathbed.

was he a ghost or a fever dream? you’ll never know.

jongho

he’s only here because his friends made him, and he will make that crystal clear. nothing else will be, though. he’s either got an extremely dry sense of humor + is deeply ironic, or he’s genuinely that odd.

all of his photos are identical selfies (expression, location, angle, etc.) and the only difference is the shirt he’s wearing. is…. is that on purpose? is he being funny, or is he seriously that much of a cartoon character? WHO KNOWS.

tbh, he’s the dude that makes a profile, finds an IRL partner immediately, and totally forgets he has a profile because he deleted the app ages ago. this is tragic; he would’ve been just your type.

message him all you want, bestie. it won’t work.

#ateez #ateez headcanons #ateez imagines #ateez scenarios #atz

[catsconflictscopicsandchamomile]

No but full stop. if you say anything like "Gen Alpha is being raised wrong/horrible to have in class/morally fucked-up/idiotic/doomed/just really really cringe" I will unironically lose all respect for you immediately.

all this stuff about "they're illiterate", "they have no respect for parents or teachers" "screens have rotted their brains" "they just speak in weird Skibidi Toilet Gyatt Rizz Meme Language" "the screens have made them have no behavior standards or morals" "the ScReEeEeEeEnsssss"

...you sound literally exactly like our parents' generation did with us. and elder millenials'/Gen X/even really late boomer's parents' generations did with them about video games and cable tv and...regular tv

and radio

and records

and. dime novels.

and it literally just goes back like that forever

OVID talked abt this stuff in the EXACT same way

so yeah, if you say that stuff without a shred of self-awareness, then I

1) do not think you can keep your commitment to "not fuck up future generations like we were fucked up", since you're contributing to that fucking-up right now by your words and actions.

2) will assume that you have a similar shortsightedness in other issues that require you to compare your own/modern-day views and events to historical ones, and lose faith in your interpretation of everything from aesthetics and online drama to world-altering current events because of that

3) genuinely I just have nothing but disappointment in people who say these things. anyone on this site who hates "icky gen alpha things" almost definitely did the same thing themselves.

They have "Gyatt", we* had GLOMPING, Yaoi Paddles, shitty mspa twerking gifs everywhere, and "Oh My God, Look At Her Butt"

They have "Rizz" we had "YOLO SWAG" and "I made you a cookie but I eated it" and those selfies where you held your camera up too high and then looked up at it from under your bangs

They have "Skibidi Toilet" we had SO MANY THINGS. Llamas with Hats. Charlie the Unicorn. Annoying Orange. Crazy Frog. Potter Puppet Pals. Minecraft Parodies if you're younger gen z. friCKING TOBUSCUS MUSIC, that man was a PLAGUE.

They have a toxic social media culture focused on heavily edited and unachievable beauty standards, enforced popularity culture, rigid aesthetic-based social groups, harmful rumors about health & beauty, a pressure on young girls to act mature, and underlying racism/classism, all leading kids who dont have adequate guidance to, AT BEST, try beauty "products" that arent meant for kids and are usually scams. We had... literally the exact same thing except our airbrushing was on celebs and models instead of coming from filters.

*I am older Gen Z (24 y.o.) but was so fucking sheltered until ~2014, and even then... I'm going off tumblr-history blogs, yt retrospectives and "my friend said so" to understand what "we" had

TLDR STOP BULLYING GEN ALPHA

...except about "Starpatch" or "Starface" or whatever it is. yes, ik its also popular/more popular with younger gen z. yes I'm literally making a post rn to bully(lh) yall JUST as hard about it. if it were my exact age group doing this I would be bullying yall. i dont care who does it, starpatch is so fricking silly.

#gen z #gen alpha #history #trends #skibidi toilet #gyatt #rizz #cringe #tumblr culture #tumblrcore #social media #ageism #igen #longpost #rant ish #i have opinions about this actually #soapbox

[justmeinadaze]

A Virtual Romance Part 2 (Steve X Reader)

Warnings: No smut in this one. Plenty of feels and some angst. Light touching with a dash of dirty talk.

Word count: 2538

STEVE

Can I ask you a question?

And be honest with me!

Always.

Are YOU going to hide your identity tomorrow night?

Steve starred at the message on his phone from his seat across from his father’s empty desk. To be honest, he wasn’t sure. There was a cocky side of him that thought ‘what girl wouldn’t want to be with Steve Harrington?’ but you weren’t like all the other girls. You were different. He knew that from the moment you stood up for that girl in the school chatroom.

You weren’t afraid to tell popular kids like himself to shut the fuck up. You both HAD had conversations in the past though were you mentioned you had interactions with these kids that weren’t favorable. Had Tommy and Carol bullied you? Had he chuckled along with them at you to save face? What if you hated the person he had always pretended to be?

He never wanted to pretend with you but he was always terrified of losing you if you found out who he was. After Monday night though, he strongly wanted to take that risk. 

What would make you comfortable?

That’s not what I asked, Stealthy. 

“Steven! Thank you for coming by after school. I’m so sorry to keep you waiting.” Steve’s father patted him on the back before taking the seat across from his son. 

“Yeah, no problem. I’ve only been waiting an hour.”

“You know how it is around here, kid.” Steve makes a small hm sound as his dad flashes him a frustrated look. “Steven, I called you down here because we need to talk about your future. Your senior year is almost over—”

“The first semester isn’t even over yet.”, he interrupted.

“AND I WOULD HOPE,” his father raised his voice, “that you have already applied to colleges and are preparing to be a strong independent adult. Of course, after you graduate, you have a job waiting for you here. You can intern while at school and then I can hire you full time once you have your degree.”

“Oh, I see. You brought me down here to talk about your future for me. Not my own.”

Mr. Harrington pinches the bridge of his nose in annoyance as the intercom in his office beeps. 

“Sir, you have a call on line one. It’s Mr. Way.”

“Steven, this is a very important client I have to talk to. We’ll finish this conversation later.”

Steve angrily rises from his chair and leave his dad’s office, completely forgetting to message you back. 

##################

YOU

Shit. Maybe I pushed him too hard. Should I send him another message or just wait for him to answer my question…?

You looked at your watch. Usually, he was online by now and he hadn’t replied back to your last message. You starred at the blank word document in front of you, attempting to work on your report for History but your mind couldn’t focus. 

You minimized the screen and went looking through the school chatrooms. He wasn’t online and he wasn’t talking to anyone. Your leg jumped anxiously as you watched the conversations unfold in the group room. Everyone was talking about the school dance and how they thought it would be. 

ComplicatedQueen84: I bet the music is going to suck!

Bandgeek1234: Oh of course! You think Principal Higgins knows good music? Lol

MadeULOOk: Who’s going to be crowned King and Queen?!

CurlyCarol85: Tommy and Me. Duh!

Sk8terboiHigh: Oh yeah? What about Harrington?!

TommyLoveshisGirl: He can’t be king if he isn’t bringing a date.

ComplicatedQueen84: WHAT?! Harrington is going stag?? I nominate myself has his queen ;P.

StealthyNinja02 is online. 

StealthyNinja02: Hey

StealthyNinja02: I’m sorry I didn’t answer you earlier.

StealthyNinja02: I was talking to my dad and lets just say it didn’t go well. 

Ouyay_Areyay_umbday18: I’m sorry. Is everything ok? Do you want to talk about it?

StealthyNinja02: My dad has this plan for me and its basically being him. I don’t want that.

Ouyay_Areyay_umbday18: You should tell him. Tell him you want to be your own man and follow your own dreams. 

StealthyNinja02: Ouyay, I don’t even know what those dreams are. All I know is I don’t want to be him. 

StealthyNinja02: Do you get along with your parents?

Ouyay_Areyay_umbday18: For the most part, yeah. My stepmom can be a bit of a hardass but my dad is cool. 

StealthyNinja02: What about your mom?

Ouyay_Areyay_umbday18: She left when I was really little. 

StealthyNinja02: Shit, honey. I’m sorry. 

StealthyNinja02: I

StealthyNinja02: I was thinking of going to the dance without a disguise. I feel like you should see me for who I am. Honestly, I’m tired of hiding. 

StealthyNinja02: I do it with my dad, kids at school, my friends. I don’t want to hide from you. 

Ouyay_Areyay_umbday18: I don’t know if I can do the same. I’m sorry. I feel like such an asshole. 

StealthyNinja02: Lol if there is one thing you are not it’s an asshole. 

StealthyNinja02: I understand. Like I said… I just need to see you in front of me. Hear your voice. I need to touch you and know you’re real. 

You & Steve

You walked up to the gym holding your dress with your hands. The glitter shimmered as your hips moved. You traced your fingers along with the mask over your eyes making sure it was in place as you entered through the double doors. 

Steve was already there looking around nervously as Tommy and Carol blathered on about how stupid this dance already was. He went with the cliché Prince Charming costume and true to his word left his face uncovered. Suddenly a beautiful figure got his eye. 

You sighed anxiously as you wondered to the middle of the makeshift dance floor. Fiddling with your hands, you reached up to play with your hair but there was nothing to grab since you pulled it into a tight Cinderella style bun. 

“Ouyay?”

You slowly turned around on your heels coming face to face with the amber eyes of your online crush.

“Steve Harrington? You’re StealthyNinja02?”

“I am. Wow, you are gorgeous.”, he breathed shakily as his eyes scanned over you. 

“This…this was a mistake.” You start to walk away as he reaches for your arm. 

“Please, don’t go. Give me a chance. I wasn’t lying when I said I didn’t want to hide anymore. Give me a chance to show you who I am.”

You searched his hopeful expression, finally nodding. He big smile stretched across his face. “Great! Do you want to go somewhere else so we can talk?”

“What about the dance? Shouldn’t you be ‘seen’ or something?”

“Ouyay, I don’t give a fuck about this dance. I just want to focus on you.” That made you genuinely smile and the vision of it made Steve’s own grin grow as he walked with you out of Gym and down the empty hallways of the school. “Is there another name I can call you? Beside Ouyay.”

You shake your head. “Ouyay is still fine.”

He nods. “Where did that screenname come from anyway?”

“It’s pig latin. Ouyay areyay umbday. You. Are. Dumb.”, you giggle at your own cleverness as Steve smiles. 

“So I’ve been calling you ‘You’ all this time?”

“Technically yes.”, you laugh harder. 

“God damn, your laugh is beautiful. I always imagined what it would sound like but it doesn’t compare to the real thing.” You blush as you look away from him. “Have, um, have I met you before?”

“A couple of times.”

“Was I an asshole?”

“No, Steve Harrington, you were not an asshole. Your friends on the other hand…”, he looks away guiltily. “Why do you hang out with them?”

“I don’t know. Caters to the image, I guess. The image of who I’m supposed to be. King Steve, right?”

“So, you cater to Tommy and Carol, two people you hate and your father, someone you don’t want to become, when do you cater to yourself and be who YOU want to be?”

He stops walking, looking down into your eyes. “When I’m talking to you.”

“Steve… you shouldn’t do it for me. You should be who you want to be for you. The rest will follow.”

“HEY! No students in the hallways!”, a security guard screams at you both. 

Steve chuckles as he grabs your hand and you both run in the opposite direction. You tug his palm pulling him into the cafeteria, up the stage near the front and behind the curtain. The two of you freeze, waiting. His body is pressed up against yours as you hide. The smell of his cologne makes your brain go fuzzy as you look up to find that his eyes are looking down at you.

You stare at each other, having a silent conversation as the security guard breathlessly runs into the cafeteria. Steve lips slowly descend to meet yours. Your fingers reach up and tangle in his hair as you pull his head closer to yours.

“Hey guys. Be on the lookout. We have students roaming the halls.”, the guards walkie talkie beeps as he removes his finger from the button. 

You turn your head to peak through the tiny crack in the curtain as Steve trails kisses down your cheek to your neck. Reaching down with you hand, you rub against the growing bulge in his pants.

“I don’t think two fingers was enough.”, you whisper.

“Fuck”, he moans as he places his forehead on yours. 

The guard starts heading the stage and you quickly take Steve’s arm running back through the hall and outside near the parking lot. 

“Whew, this dress was not made for movement.”

He coyly pulls you into his arms. “We can always just take it off.” You bite your lip as you smile. “Please tell me who you are.”

“I can’t.”

“Can’t or won’t?”

“Harrington! There you are! We have been looking everywhere for you.” Tommy pulls on Steve’s arm guiding him back towards the gym. 

“Tommy, Jesus. Can I have one second?!” He turns around to grab your hand to bring you back to the dance with him but to his dismay you were already gone.

##################

YOU

The following Monday everyone was talking about the dance. 

“Oh my god. It was so lame.”

“Did you see Steve though? He looked so hot.”

“I know but who was that slut with him?”

“Her dress was gorgeous.”

“Hey, Space cadet.”, Sam snapped her fingers in front of your face. “What’s going on? You’ve been staring at the stage for like five minutes.”

You moved your food around your tray. “I’m sorry. I’m just tired.”

She eyes you skeptically. “You didn’t tell him, did you? Who was Prince Charming anyway?”

“See if you had gone to the dance with me then you would have found out. And no, I didn’t tell him.”

“Y/N…”

“I know. I just…I can’t, ok?”

You phone vibrates but you ignore it. “At least talk to him. Tell him what you’re so afraid of.”

“I’m going to go outside before next period. Get some fresh air.” You quickly get up and head out the door before waiting for an answer. 

You let an exasperated sigh as the cool Indiana wind hits your face. 

“Are you okay over there?”

You jump at the sound of Steve’s voice. “Yeah, just frustrated.”

“Pfft. I know how you feel.” He flips his phone shut as he leans his head on the wall he’s sitting against. 

“May I…ask what you’re frustrated about?”

He chuckles before he realizes your serious. “Oh, um have you not heard the idle gossip? Steve Harrington and some mystery girl?”

“I’m not one for gossip.” You slide down the wall to sit beside him, pushing down the butterflies that flutter at the feeling of being so close to him again. “So, what’s the problem? Mystery girl wasn’t everything you thought she would be?”

“No. God, no. The exact opposite. She was beautiful and sweet and funny… being able to just touch her… It’s hard to explain. Honestly, I think I wasn’t everything she thought I would be.”

“What makes you say that? I mean, who wouldn’t want to be with King Steve Harrington?”

He scoffs at your response. “That’s what they call me. I hate that. I don’t know…she’s not answering my texts and I haven’t heard from her since the dance. I miss her.”

You swallow down the lump that rises in your throat. “I’m sure she misses you to. Probably…just finding her bearings. Give her time.”

“Thank you…”

“Y/N.”

He smiles over at you as he gets up and runs towards his car in the parking lot. 

###############

Steve

Ouyay_Areyay_umbday18 is online. 

StealthyNinja02: Why are you ignoring me?

StealthyNinja02: Is it because you found out who I am?

Ouyay_Areyay_umbday18: No. I just… needed some time to think. 

Stealthy Ninja02: Think about what?

Ouyay_Areyay_umbday18: Steve… I can’t do this. I can’t be what you want me to be.

Stealthy Ninja02: Ouyay, I’ve never asked you to be anything but yourself! I

Stealthy Ninja02: Hang on. I bought something today.

Steve reads the back of the box and follows the instructions Bob gave him at the Radio Shack. Suddenly in the corner under his name he saw his room and half of his face. He moved closer to the camera’s lens. 

Ouyay_Areyay_umbday18: Steve, what are you doing?!

“I have zero technical skills. Can you hear me?”

Ouyay_Areyay_umbday18: Yes…

“Good. Because I want to actually say this. I want you to really HEAR what I’m saying. I don’t care about the cliques or Tommy and Carol. I don’t care what people say behind my back. I… I don’t want to be that guy anymore. I want to be a better man. I want to be myself. You were right. I keep putting up these appearances for other people who I’m pretty sure hate me any way.”

Ouyay_Areyay_umbday18: I don’t think your dad hates you.

“Please. Have you met my father?”, he chuckles. “If he doesn’t hate me then he definitely doesn’t like me.”

Steve looks straight into the camera as if he’s looking into your eyes. 

“I don’t want hide anymore and you shouldn’t either.”

He watches the screen as the bubble next to your name appears and reappears. After a few minutes you finally respond. 

Ouyay_Areyay_umbday18: You talked to me today…

“What did we talk about?”

Ouyay_Areyay_umbday18: You were right. You weren’t who I thought you would be. I expected someone from the AV club or something like that. When I saw it was you, I thought what everyone else does. King Steve Harrington who can get any girl he wants. But then we talked and you kissed me… I don’t care what people at school think but I do care about how they would treat you and I’d be lying if I said it wouldn’t break my heart if you tried to save face instead of following through with what you are saying right now.

Ouyay_Areyay_umbday18: For example…

Ouyay_Areyay_umbday18: No one was around when we were talking today but what would you have done if people saw us outside, sitting together, casually talking. 

“Y/N?”

Ouyay_areyay_umbday18 is offline.

#############

@tessab154 @snackycake1975 @lunatictardis

@k-k0129 @sillypurplemurple @aree-you-sirius-rn

@selfdeprecatingnerd @blackholegladiator

@xtrokeme @strangerthingsstories5255 @hllfrclb

#steve harrington #steve x reader #steve smut #steve fluff #steve harrington smut #steve harrington fluff #steve harrington x you #steve harrington stranger things #steve stranger things #steve harrington fanfic #fan fiction #stranger things #joe keery smut #joe keery fluff #joe keery #steve harrington x reader

[monorayjak]

I... it's getting hard to live like this. Hiding who I am to so many people. It hurts. I wrote a thing earlier today and I felt I summed up the feeling pretty well I think, reworded a bit to sound better:

"It feels like torturous self harm to be fully aware of who I am and yet imprison myself in a fortress of a false identity that's slowly caving in around me."

What I'm getting at here... I think... I think it might be time for me to come out to some people...and I really need some advice.

As of now, only four people IRL know about me, that's my therapist, my cousin (who was genuinely more like a sister to me), a friend at college (I knew they were extremely supportive and they had no connection to other people I know, so it seemed like a safe bet to tell her (I was right)), a friend I interacted with occasionally in high school who has since come out as trans herself (actually what got me to message her, saw her online and wanted to ask so I didn't misgender her or anything, and we got talking and I quickly realized she'd understand.)

At the moment, I'm still living with my mom, which is fine, I know she'll support me in her own way (she's queer herself, she has internalized issues, but she tries). I know my university I go to, despite having once been a "christian college," have opened up and been supportive of most of the students who do come out in one way or another. I know at least a few of the professors there who are absolutely trying to be supportive to everyone to the best of their abilities. My therapist knows, as mentioned before, but he is also... well, he ain't exactly a pro with gender and sexuality stuff (still a good guy, he just messes up what he's talking about here and there, like using masculine pronouns when he talks about a transwoman (largely I think its because he usually talks about them when they first started transitioning, and I don't think he thinks about gendering them correctly in reference to them coming out... if that makes any sense).

The issues... well, for one, I live in the bible belt. My extended family (who we are finally trying to cut ourselves off from now that the only think holding us together (my grandmother) is gone) lives all around me and the majority of them are.........well lets just say they really don't like my mom being gay, and one of them bullied a kid he was fostering because, in his words, "the kid's a fucking sissy!" Yeah... not a fan of that uncle. (In related news I am genuinely afraid of that man because he is very fucking clearly not mentally stable and has talked about killing himself and others before (while preaching at church!) and he is... really aggressive and has access to guns) I'm too poor to even consider leaving the state, and with... well frankly I'm a bit of a fuckup who really can't live on their own... yeah... fun times. Insurance may cover parts of things, but... honestly I don't even fucking know. Like I said, I know my mom will try to support me, but she is also... well, how do I say this? She tends to not know how to react to stuff. A large reason I don't talk about stuff with her is that she has a habit of turning it around into something about herself (not in a manipulative way, mind you. I just think she doesn't realize why it feels bad to tell her something like this and then have her break down a bit because I didn't tell her sooner or because she didn't work it out herself or anything like that). Basically, if I tell her, its either going to go one of two ways.

She reacts negatively and turns it around about herself and takes the moment to be hurt she didn't work things out or that I didn't tell her. (Literally once opened up to her when I was little (like 11?) about how much I hated myself... she said the next day she spent the entire night crying because she thought she failed... I understand what she was going for, but, honestly not something you should tell your kid who just opened up. Practically had it ingrained internally "If I feel bad, hide it. Because my mom will be devastated by it.")

She goes too supportive and expects me to be willing to open up immediately. Basically just forgetting she can't push me into being out and honest because it takes time to work up the courage.

Both of these options are... iffy. To say the least.

#long post #lgbt+ #transfem #trans #help #transgender #trangender #trans woman #queer #advice? #asking for help #coming out #i'm closeted #monorayjak #real #important #adhd #or advice? #actually adhd #possible slightly on the autism spectrum #regardless #I'm neurodivergent #figured I should at least mention it though #i really need help #honestly #coming out of the closet #lgbtq+ #lgbtq #lgbt #lgbtq community

[forevamark]

Preview: Looking for Attention (l.jn)

I’M BACK! What it do cookie boos ★~(◡﹏◕✿)

ATTENTION: FULL LENGTH FIC IS NOW LIVE! CLICK LINK TO READ IT BELOW :)

(If that dont work lol im sorry but its the latest post on my blog lmao)

looking for attention (l.jn) 

After a couple months of hiatus, I finally found the inspiration to finish all these drafts of fics I have in my WIP folder... sorry for the wait, I want quality out here.

Here’s a delulu scene that I have had rotting in my brain the past couple of months starring no other than the man of the hour: Lee Jeno. I started fully flesh out writing this fic at around 11:45pm and its currently 6:25am and I’m still not done with it LOL shooting for 10k words with this to make it worth while to read! Enjoy this teaser/preview, after my beta readers do a read through and make edits, I’ll post the full length fic hopefully tomorrow! <3

Pairing: Jeno ft the ‘00 line dreamies x fem! reader insert

Tags: gamer idol au, secret girlfriend reader, slice of life, needy reader, jeno is a nerdy hard head,  substantial amount of plot leading up to the nasty, possessive jeno, lowkey the ‘00 line wants you so bad, jeno knows everyone wants you so bad, y’all can look but not touch vibes, camera voyeurism

Warnings: teasing, voyeurism, exhibitionism, oral fem reader and male receiving, masturbation, unprotected sex (wrap it up ya’ll!), mentions of potential five way, multiple partners (not directly), possessive domination, degradation, reader is a simpy subby sub sub, dumbification/bimbo kink, mentions of referring to reader as ‘pet’/’kitten’, (probably more knowing me... I’ve been brewing on this one for a WHILE)

Word Count: final product: ~10k, teaser: 640 

** I haven’t proof read this yet, and this may not make the final cut, please be aware of that !

Summary: Between Jeno being an idol and you being a current nursing school student, it’s hard to find time to be there for each other and actually feel like you two are dating. So when Jeno makes time to spend a whole day with you but actually spends the whole time playing with the boys online instead of helping you study for your exam, you decide it’s time to play some games of your own.

“Are you kidding me? Hyuck open your fucking eyes!” Jeno screamed at his screen while throwing his hands in the air, “I’m tired of us not moving on because of you!”

It’s been three hours since you have arrived at Jeno’s apartment. You’ve been insisting on spending more quality time with him and he finally promised to put more effort in by agreeing to spend the day with you.

—

 Maybe you should have seen it coming when Jeno insisted on you bringing your study materials for your upcoming exam, mentioning that he will help you study. When he opened the door you were expected to be bombarded with warm hugs and maybe even some cuddles and suggestions to bake cookies. Would it be so presumptuous to even be looking forward to being savagely ravished in some long awaited sexy time? The thought of having uninterrupted alone time with Jeno bounced around your mind as you anticipatingly waited for him to answer the door.

However much to your chagrin, you were begrudgingly and briefly greeted with a breathy irritated Jeno that barely made eye contact before running back to the room shouting, 

“I swear I’m here! I’m here! Just had to open the door for y/n! I’m back! I’m back!” leaving you confused and rooted to the welcome mat of his front door.

Sighing, you slowly removed your shoes and made your way to his kitchen to grab some water and place your stuff on his table. Making your way to Jeno’s room, the volume of his excited shouting elevated and as you rounded the corner you saw him slouched over staring at the screen with intent eyes and hands frantically moving. 

“Hey babe,” you knock while leaning against his desk, his eyes not meeting yours once again. 

“Just go towards the back Jaem that way they won’t see you,” he called out adjusting his mic. 

“Babe,” you raised your voice.

“No Hyuck, stay there, we need you later,” he replied while checking his second monitor briefly then shooting you a quick smile before clicking repeatedly, “hey babe sorry I’ll be done with this game soon, one sec.”

“Will you really be done soon? It’s fine if it won't just let me know so I’m not just waiting around.” 

“Yeah, yeah swear,” he nodded while playing.

You made your way back to the table in the living room and placed all your textbooks down and opened up your laptop to finish a lecture that you needed to finish taking notes on.

Fifteen minutes passed and your feet were tucked under your body in the seat and highlighters were scattered around. As you cracked your knuckles closing the lecture video tab, Jeno walked out of his room shirtless, sporting a pair of gray sweatpants and his gaming headset on, making his way to the fridge. Jeno was a dream. Only he could look so insanely attractive while having the personality of the biggest nerd you’ve ever met. 

“Let’s fucking go!” he hollered while rummaging through the shelves to find a carton of banana milk and drinking it, “can’t believe we made it out of there, Hyuck fucking sucks at stealth missions, so it must have been a miracle for them to not see him,” he laughs while heading towards you. Jeno flicked his hair to the side and tucked a hand into his pocket making his arms slightly flex, effortlessly gorgeous as always.

Straightening your back you leaned forward awaiting him to finally sit with you, lips sitting prettily puckered awaiting your overdue kiss. Excitement erupts and you can barely sit still as you think how you will escalate this further today. A long list of positions and roleplay fill your head excitingly. However Jeno wasn’t nearly on the same page as he walked straight past and into the pantry to take out a bag of chips and jog back into the room. Disappointment -and a bit of sexual frustration- sets in as you hear a faint, “hell yeah I’m down for another round lemme log back in really quick!”

You have got to be kidding me.

#nct smut #nct fanfiction #nct fanfic #nct jeno #nct jeno smut #jeno hard hours #jeno smut #jeno drabbles #jeno x y/n #jenosmut

[sparrowsarus]

ok i just finished playing bg3 and i haven't done ANY wading into the online fandom save for scrolling reddit threads that i came upon while pre-searching what the consequences of certain actions would be and i'm just....fascinated by the chain of things you've reblogged. though also not that surprised lmao cause i know fandom's gonna fandom. at any rate i am so curious about your opinions!

Oh, lol. Oh no. (Warning: the salt levels are sealike tonight.)

So, I will admit I am wildly out of step with the fandom, and usually don't interact with it? My favourite character isn't even met by the player until Act 3, and he is pretty widely hated because fandom loves to Make Up A Guy and shoehorn a character into it. (BG3 spoilers ahoy gang) also I hope this actually answers the question you are asking.

Let us begin with me saying: I don't hate Astarion. In isolation, he's fun! But the Astarion in the game, and the Astarion people think is in the game, are not the same character. "He loves kids!" "He's a sweetheart!" Astarion is a cunt and is proud of that. You get approval from being terrible to children. Astarion is traumatized? They're all traumatized! That's the point of the game! But there are other characters! Wyll is my favourite (you will see some people posit that his dad was a Horrible Abusive Monster, which...we have no actual evidence for. At all. Also comparing "being queer" with...willingly selling your soul to a devil is a bit. Hm. Sure hope that's not what Larian was going for! Pretty sure the ruler of one of the biggest cities on that side of the continent kicking his son out for selling his soul to the Hells, a thing that, in universe, is usually only done by evil people, is not a great comparison to make! Also Wyll is a fairy tale prince and I love him. I also love his dad. Fight me. But there is also Karlach. Her parallels to Wyll are fascinating: she's sold to the Hells and loses her bodily autonomy; he sells himself to Hell for the city he loves, and also faces loss of bodily autonomy. But they both hope, and keep their spirits up, and they love--they love so hard, and that is so important to me! Lae'zel gives up everything she has ever known when presented with the idea that she's been lied to. She's so young, from a brutal culture that lets its children kill each other--but she's willing to change her mind. She's willing to rethink her worldview. She's willing to save a world she doesn't even belong to. (Let me raise the gith egg, larian. give me the baby.)

Shadowheart was stolen. Shadowheart likes the same bad romance novels as Wyll's dad, Shadowheart likes animals, Shadowheart gets flirted with--badly--by Wyll and Gale. Shadowheart had one friend, ever, and that friend wouldn't come with her. The parallels between Shadowheart and Isobel? fascinate me.

And Gale! My poor middle-aged man! He just wants to read and hang out with his not-cat, and he approves when you help people, and he's just such a fucking nerd. They are all nerds. I love them.

So yeah. I have...many opinions. So many.

[ilovemylawyer]

hello! i wanted to tell you that i love your works so much, every time i receive an email about your new fic my day becomes the best day. i'm yet to leave comments on every one of them bc i was too deep in my thoughts after reading them to comment straight away, but i wanted you to know that your writing is incredible, i still remember every single one of your fics. the way you write dyds and especially ohjae is truly breathtaking, they are so in-character, they are ALIVE. your ohjae is something out of this world, i love him so much, reading fics from his pov is so fascinating. you said that you write sex scenes poorly, but i totally disagree. you nailed all of them, especially in "as a corpse". i love both your high rating and low rating fics, i'll keep reading them no matter what, so please, stick to what you want to write, and most importantly, want to tell, sex scenes aren't as important as people make them to look. you are dragging the entire evilive fandom on your shoulders, thank you so much for your hardwork, i want to kiss you on both cheeks for that.

you asked about prompts, and i decided to share that i'd love to read more about doyoung and minhee's interaction. doyoung is good with kids, i feel like they would get along really well (and maybe even annoy dongsoo together as the mischievous kids they are). thinking about doyoung having a tea party with minhee or playing some games with her makes me so emotional </3

first let me say something short and comprehensive: thank you so much i love you so much and now let me respond (ramble mode) in full:

THANK YOU SO MUCH. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH. seriously. seriously. your words give me strength that you may not be able to fathom. much needed strength. thank you. so much. really.

for me, writing has always been a pretty lonely endeavor. until i started sharing my writing for evilive, i hadnt posted anything online since like... 2018? something ridiculous like that. i tend to keep my writing reaaaal close to my chest because its inevitable that the fiction i write turns personal and i have become a pretty genuine hermitrecluselurker in the past few years.. sharing my stuff is a huge step out of my comfort zone and i have to be honest and say that it has NOT been easy!!!!!!! AT ALL!!!!!

but such kind sweet lovely lovely words keep me going <3 we are a SMALL fandom here. tiny. minuscule. there is like 50 of us. but i cannot just let this show fade into obscurity i need people to watch it and chew on it and enjoy it and i think what i am trying to do in my fics is just share the immense joy i got from watching it myself. and to prolong its life. evilive is by no means the perfect show but there is a lovely evil lawyer in it and i am not at all immune to an evil lawyer. in fact i am susceptible to them. extremely so. and i like playing around with han dongsoo in my docs. it is so much fun. and i really really enjoy sharing it because i LOVE reading fanficiton. being on the other side of it (writing it instead of just reading) is a lot different and very difficult at times but such praise like yours makes it all worth it <3

OHJAE. god i fucking love ohjae so much. having a lil guy at your side who carefully watches every move you make and silently critiques all of your decisions... a lil right hand man who is so ride or die that he does in fact end up dying. ohjae's (AND DOYOUNG'S) death is Soo hard for me to watch. his silence in his final scene is just detrimental to me. he deserves so much more. SO I AM SO GLAD I CAN BRING HIM BACK TO LIFE FOR US <3 he is a special little guy and oh my god he is so much fun to write. HE IS SOOO MUCH FUN TO WRITE i cannot emphasize that enough. he is SO important and i think he can be a great bridge/dove/string to bring dyds closer...he is a great Observer... he is so capable i love ohjae so fucking much and i am so so so honored to hear that he reads well in my stuff <3

RE: sex scenes. writing sex is SO DIFFICULT. i have so little experience with it which is why i think i am ultracritical of the sex scenes that i do write. i think it can be an extremely potent plot device (can't think of a better term) but i feel like i can't quite pack the horny porny punch that i know a lot of ppl go into fanficiton expecting. cuz at the end of the day i am not a pornwriter AT ALL, and i respect and admire those who can pull off a steamy heated scene, but i lean more towards the implications of the sex instead of the sexiness of the sex. if that makes sense. ALL THAT SAID, i am so glad you enjoy those intimate bits as well <333 you are giving me the confidence i need to not completely restrict myself from writing them!!!

i am accepting 2(two) cheek kisses from u <3 i have seriously been slaving away writing for this show and it is fulfilling as fuck but like i said, SUPER small fandom. with such a small, niche audience it is hard for me to gauge how my stuff is being received by the people... it is my own paranoia that chokes me about the stats and stuff, but the more i post the more comfortable i am getting with it all :D

finally: SAY LESS! i have a little wip already going that can verrry perfectly accommodate some uncle doyoung >:3c consider it done. i will push to finish+post that sooner than later <3 when it is done i will gift it to you on ao3!!!

thank you from the bottom of my heart and i hope you can continue to enjoy the endless supply of dyds that i have living inside of me <3 and apologies for this essay of a response but it is my way of showing thanks :-) thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

#ilml #asked and answered #feel free to send me like 100000 requests i owe you my life as of right now

[isa-ah]

I just wanna thank you for being a vocal angry trans guy. I'm also a trans guy, but just a few years ago, I'd fallen victim to the whole "trans men don't have it as bad as trans women, and are just begging for unearned attention when we insert ourselves in the conversation" mindset, and you (as well as a few other people I follow) have helped me unlearn all of that.

It's so frustrating when people withIN the trans community are fighting against other trans people. We all have it rough, and this infighting is going to help absolutely no one. Same with the kink at pride "discourse." I used to be on the "but what about the kids?" side until I learned that pride wouldn't even exist if it weren't for drag queens and kinksters. Pride isn't supposed to be family friendly! It's about embracing diversity and celebrating sexuality! That includes kink!

Anyway, thanks for helping me realize that I'm allowed to be an angry trans guy and stand up for myself and my own experiences. Tumblr (and just spending too much time online in general) really rots peoples brains, and I had to learn that the hard way, through first-hand experience lol

yeah, this place can definitely put you into a christian style pearl clutching tailspin about purity and sanitization but its like. whos dead bodies are our rights propped up on? are you going to undo everything thats been done for us by the generations before us because its not advertiser friendly?

the experience of being a trans man who experiences being spoken over, who experiences misogyny, who experiences transandrophobia, who experiences transphobia- like where do we ever get a word in edgewise about our OWN lived experiences? and if we cant discuss it, how are the kids ever going to know theyre not alone, and that theyre not the monster in the fairytale just for existing?

idk. the whole thing makes me really mad and i think more trans men should be getting fucking pissed at the way were treated in every circle were in, even our own.

#getting pissed is something you have to learn how to do bc were taught as an afab person not to make a fuss and #then taught as trans men not to be dangerous. angry. scary. oppressors. etc. #so the takeaway is a deeply ingrained sense of im the one in the wrong and i shouldnt get to express anything #that im going through or that im feeling #FUCK that. im a man and im fucking pissed off and its ugly and im ALLOWED to act this way

[motelpearl]

I'm watching star trek voyager so I'm gonna put my thoughts below & keep adding onto it (yes I'm going from tng -> voy & skipping ds9 for now at least even though I feel like I'm missing out on context bc trekkies seem to hold ds9 as like the gold standard of star trek but I watched a couple episodes & I just couldnt dig it)

the relationship of kes & neelix is so bewildering to me like what does she see in him like hes not even a bad person but he's just a lot dumber than her & has that "where's my hug" type guy energy also he's like so old not even in a sugar daddy way just in a boomer way like doesn't kes's species only live 9 years

I hope tom paris goes through some character development because as of right now he's soooooo annoying like referring to chakotay as an "indian" all the time......ugh one would hope we wouldn't still be doing that in the 25th century also I knew from seeing online discourse that chakotay's writing is stereotypical in a well intentioned but still badly-aged way & it's not ruining the show for me but whenever he closes his eyes & the panflute music kicks in I just sigh deeply

the vidiians are fucking terrifying bruh its giving a cure for wellness

I HATE HISTORICAL REVISIONISM IM SORRY BUT IT WILL NEVER FEEL COMFORTABLE TO ME EVEN IF THEYRE DEAD. NOT THE MARK TWAIN RPF IN TNG NOT THE AMELIA EARHART RPF HERE IT JUST AINT RIGHT

OKAY MAYBE I WAS WRONG WHEN I SAID NEELIX ISNT W BAD GUY BC WHAT DO YOU MEAN KES IS A PREPUBESCENT 2 YEAR OLD

not the voyager defeating an alien by becoming submissive & breedable (of course the voyager has a blue plasma trail & pronouns....)

JANEWAY WANTS CHAKOTAYS DICK SO BAD PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER GIRL WHERES YOUR DECORUM

tuvoks hairline is so fascinating to me

not belanna being lowkey in love with chakotay too & then them showing his bare ass in the next episode....rick berman was on this man like a fat kid on a smartie

FUCK THE KAZON UGLYASS BEASTS

seska needs to be in jail bruh

I SWEAR TO GOD IVE WATCHED ENOUGH STAR TREK THAT I CAN TELL JUST BY THE CAMERA ANGLES WHEN AN EPISODE IS DIRECTED BY JONATHAN FRAKES LIKE HE'S ALWAYS DOING WEIRD DUTCH ANGLE TRACKING SHOTS & STUFF LIKE THAT

so I heard that threshold is like the worst episode in the entirely of star trek & after watching it I honestly dont think it's that bad like sure it's an implausible premise but it's not as bad as like code of honor or sub rosa

NOT BEEF BEING A Q....TWO OF MY WEIRD NERDY INTERESTS ARE OVERLAPPING ALSO THE CAST LIST OF THIS EPISODE SCARES & EXCITES ME. FUCK Q SEXIST ASS MOTHERFUCKER FIRST HE CREEPS ON THAT TEENAGE Q THEN HE KILLS ALYSSA OGAWAS BABY NOW HE SAYS WOMEN CANT BE CAPTAINS & SEXUALLY HARRASSES JANEWAY. DIE.

I always wonder how they get the alien makeup on babies like in this episode with the baby with horns on its head & that one episode of tng where they showed baby borg. also the concept of teleporting a baby out of the womb for an easier delivery is hilarious

tuvok & neelix toxic yaoi?

bruh if this episode is setting up the possibility of suder just letting out his violent impulses one last time & going scorched earth on the kazon & the doctor helping him by means of holographic skulduggery & then tom paris showing up with a cavalry of fucking talaxians to lay the smack down I'm gonna laugh so hard

TOM PARIS FINALLY STARTING TO REDEEM HIMSELF

THE PORTRAYAL OF 1990S EARTH IS SO FUCKING FUNNY TUVOK WEARING A DURAG TO COVER HIS EARS PLEASEEEEE

time travel episodes stress me out so much though like PLEASEEE put the tricorder away. not belanna & chakotay getting kidnapped by hillbillies omg the shots where the guy kicks chakotay & then belanna kicks the guy were edited so weirdly

starling reminds me so much of elon musk

is the alien possessing kes bisexual?

too bad q got to die of old age instead of janeway giving him the electric chair

janeway gettin her lara croft on we love that

why cant vulcans just jack off during pon farr like I thought hand stuff was their whole thing

this isnt voyager specific but shuttlecrafts should really have seatbelts like the amount of times people randomly get injured because turbulence throws them out of their seats....WE SOLVED THIS ISSUE 500 YEARS AGO

not tuvok building the Doohickey

why are they leaving harry unattended on a borg cube WHY DOES STARFLEET NOT MANDATE THE BUDDY SYSTEM HES JUSTA LITTLE GUY & NOW HE'S GOING TO GET ASSIMILATED

WHAT THE JESUS IS THAT

awww bless kes I knew she would leave & I was worried she would die but I'm glad she left on a lighter note

"welcome to the worst day of my life" hi my name is belanna dark'ness dementia raven torres (yes I know losing the warp core is serious but that line was giving "we live in a society")

DID HARRY & SEVEN HAVE SEX. BRUH

eugh I wrote in my other star trek thread that borg assimilation is one thing that just gives me such deep discomfort like even though the borg gradually become sort of overdone the concept of assimilation becomes increasingly terrifying regardless like seven's backstory just creeps me out so much like the concept of her parents just being these sort of rebellious scientists who thought they were gonna make some great discovery out in the delta quadrant (sidenote I hope it gets explained more how exactly they got out there like did they go through a wormhole too?) & just stumbling upon these unimaginable horrors that they had no chance of fight & having to watch as their naivete & hubris destroyed their childs life & everyone they previously knew had no idea where they went or what happened to them EUGH ITS SO CHILLING

wait how did they get the warp core back was I not paying attention

tuvok getting his gilf certificate in the mail we love to see it

species 8472 are terrifying even though the CGI is so low-poly

okay this is a pretty pointless criticism but it annoys me how all the female characters wear heeled boots & on that note the grey turtleneck under the uniforms looks so ugly like post-s3 TNG had the best looking uniforms & this isnt coming from a biased place just bc tng is my favourite (also the movie era uniforms that were red & had random white straps were SO UGLYYYY & DUMB LIKE HOW CAN YOU TELL ANYONES RANK OR DEPARTMENT IF THEYRE ALL RED)

I hate the way the borg queens spine swings around like a cat's tail

opening the episode with harry kim getting his tiddies sucked....ON PRIMETIME TV? IN THE 90S?

I just know that anti-alien-sex law got put into place because of riker

since like late season 3 I'm finally starting to understand why trekkies say janeway has sexual tension with literally everyone

a vulcan shedding a single tear when hearing an artificial lifeform perform a piece of classical music? NOW WHERE HAVE I SEEN THAT BEFORE......*taps chin pensively*

tuvok & neelix detoxified yaoi?

BARCLAY & TROI YASSS

NEVERMIND NOT BARCLAY BACK ON HIS HOLODECK BULLSHIT

not the space Irish again (also from what I've seen irish people are apparently really offended by the irish reunification of 2024 meme <\\\3)

if janeway were alive in 2024 she'd be on tumblr making posts like "I need to get sent to the seaside for my health"

I didnt expect the episode "virtuoso" to suddenly take such a resonant turn but in the age of generative ai it's strangely prophetic

the double whammy of seeing jeffrey combs & the rock as the guest stars in this episode

I got injured the other day & have been pretty much bedbound because of it & whenever a scene takes place in sickbay I think "spare dermal regenerator 🤲"

they bring back kes just to give her makeup that makes her look like Christopher Walken <\\\3

ugh I love troi shes such a queen

why does the borg queen look like this -> 🥺

honestly I'm kinda sad that I'm on the final season

poor tuvok man first he almost gets assimilated, then he gets mind controlled, now hes just trying to fuck but he's thwarted by political tensions

I kind of want to rewatch st: picard since I know seven's backstory now & have the context of the borg's decline like I saw trekkies saying janeway "handled them" but now I know the exact circumstances

omg I know chakotay & seven somehow end up together (at least for a while) when the show ends bc I've had so much of voyager spoiled (tbh that seems to the usual reason i watch shows, I get a bunch of it spoiled & then I'm like "but how do those dots connect") anyway that literally makes no sense bc I can't think of a time theyve ever interacted since seven became a character but like chakotay & janeway were RIGHT THERE THEYVE HAD TENSION SINCE SEASON 1 IM NOT EVEN A SHIPPER CAUSE IDC THAT MUCH BUT IT WAS RIGHT THERE (& I read the wikipedia page for each episode after I watch them cause idk I like learning behind the scenes stuff & in the "reception" section of each page theres always something like "fans were disappointed that janeway & chakotay did not bang like screen doors in this episode") LIKE THE FANS WANTED IT IT WAS A LOGICAL COURSE OF ACTION IT WAS SET UP SINCE SEASON 1 & THE WRITERS CHICKENED OUT. WHY THOUGH?

noooo belanna dont do eugenics ur so sexy aha

POOR TUVOK BRUH SEASON 7 IS JUST A YEAR OF TUVOK SUFFERING

THE DOCTOR MAKING PHANTOM OF THE OPERA REFERENCES....DID HE JUST BECOME MY FAVOURITE CHARACTER (even though he pronounces "fantome" entirely wrong)

"she's suffering from dysphoria syndrome" janeway trans?

I know this show was made in the late 90s/early 2000s but nothing hammers that point home like seeing the same exact fishing rod toy I had as a kid in this episode that aired a month after I was conceived

just when I thought the Q couldnt get more annoying....one of them is a teenage boy

NOT SOME WRITERS BARELY DISGUISED FOOT FETISH SEEPING IN.....I COULD NEVER BE AN ACTRESS

one thing that has never stopped annoying me is the fact that we literally see naomi wildman be born onscreen & then she goes from newborn -> 9 year old over the course of like 2 seasons

okay I finished it & I'll need more time to collect my thoughts but the basic idea is: I liked the show but I feel like there was lots of possibilities that went unexplored but one thing I especially liked is that unlike TNG (which is still my favourite trek) the female characters got storylines that didnt just revolve around interpersonal stuff (ie. family/romance) but actually got to use their specific skills

but now I'm rewatching the first couple episodes of because I honestly had no idea what was going on (I didn't even realize the doctor was a hologram until like halfway through season 1 & I didn't realize tuvok was spying on the maquis until like season 3) & one thing I have noticed is that NEELIX WAS SO FUCKING UNHINGED IN THE FIRST EPISODE LIKE HE COMES OFF LIKE HEATH LEDGER AS THE JOKER IN THAT SCENE WHERE HE VIDEOCALLS VOYAGER & STRUTTING AROUND THE TRANSPORT ROOM IN HIS PIMP COAT & ALL THE WATER STUFF LIKE WHO IS THIS MAN also belanna's makeup was so bad I'm sorry <\\\3

#motelpearl #star trek

[mejomonster]

I’m relieved to find out when i finish case 3 in silent reading the translation still has a part 4 AND extras ToT

like god i admire priest SO much. i think in many ways the writing choices in silent reading are SO ballsy. especially now that i know what publishers push toward regarding standard/norms look like all other novels don't deviate dont be brave or unique. like i know priest self published online THEN gets a print deal but like. to decide you as a public commented on author with a HUGE following where ppl buy your chapters? is gonna write THIS? 

its brave i think. its brave to trust an audience to read 77 chapters of truly fucked up crime story thats main point IS TO critique the world and justice and human nature. before you get into the romance danmei readers most wanted. to make readers both feel bad for and terrified of a little girl. to remind readers every poor immigrant with a bad life who dies is a TRAGEDY and a horrible loss that society has too much allowed. to remind readers that the justice system fails to bring many people closure or help. 

(babes below the cut turned into a MEGA meta on zhoudu and their completely different views on the world)

and THEN of course the LEADS priest decides to write arcs for in this. its ballsy to write a lead the other lead thinks might be capable of being a killer. to write a man objectively with as many red flags as. fei du as THE lead. like? think of 2ha and the people who hate mo ran too much to try it even just hearing of mo ran lol. fei du objectively in some ways is HARDER to empathize with and view as 'an ordinary relatable man'. mo ran when you take that hes been abused is mainly just a kid who wanted to help people typical xianxia hero style and gain power for revenge on REALLY cruel people in a really cruel Fucked up world he lives in thats painted as so much worse than our real earth world. 

fei du? well he outwardly is pretty so i guess like the strangers he meets people tolerate that. but the little we get of our past lets us know he killed animals with his hands (and again its as BRAVE a writing choice as the lead in kdrama Flower of Evil who’s raised by a serial killer and trained to be like him and unable to empathize with others and he fights so HARD to be a good person but he’s no one’s definition of a safe guy to trust - but somehow he met his wife and had a daughter and loves them so dearly and he IS and has always been a good man and good kid who went through awful stuff because people were afraid of his inability to emotionally connect and his abused background). Fei du is like HIM. Fei Du self harms to an intense degree, trying to curb impulses trained in him from a young age and a natural propensity mixed with a raising teaching him and Hammering into him that death is the only absolute to feel comfort in. He could’ve become a murderer, an abuser, in the sense of his father pushing him toward it and so many things could’ve affected it - like luo wenzhou simply being not there. Fei du is fighting before anything else, himself and his own fears about himself and who he is and who he even wants to be ultimately. Mo Ran gets cursed and becomes an evil emperor, and without that was a brute revenge okay-with man (and a black lotus trope so honestly more tolerable as a violent rage fest reading-norm wise). But fei du? is just an ordinary modern man working in an office who thinks it would be nice to choke someone and watch them break down hopeless. Who’s probably felt and thought everything su luozhan did (now i’m losing track... there’s things to be said for mo ran and his abuse making him cruel and lash out like fei du and su luozhan too...but moving on for now). fei du is a realistic ‘monster.’ or an almost one. he’s a man who if taken for all he is, much of society would want removed and taken away, or see as an inevitable evil of a rich man who can’t be stopped by most. he’s like Flower of Evil’s lead and the bad rich kid who lashed out and killed people, combined into one. 

priest makes him understandable, because priest is amazing at writing very good characters and depicting them and showing their nuances and evolution. and also because luo wenzhou loves him unconditionally. luo wenzhou chooses to love the hurting child, and in doing so comes to see fei du for all the multitudes of value he has as a person, for the treasure he is in ALL of himself with the bad and the good as a whole. (sort of like Flower of Evil main characters sister always loved him and saw him as her little brother needlessly hurt by the world, or the wife who eventually realized the man she loved was part of it and is real its just hes more than she knew before - luo wenzhou is both in one). and because luo wenzhou can see him, all of him, and love and appreciate all of it even EVEN when it horrifies him? even when he thinks and knows its beyond the scope of acceptable or normal, even when he’s hearing fei du lose himself in a viewpoint of the world that is so FAR from luo wenzhous ability to understand or view it. luo wenzhou STILL thinks - how do i reach out so we connect and meet halfway, even if i have to wade into that dark and try to understand, even if i have to explain the regular world like its fantastically rare and incomprehensible to him until he gets how other people like me feel. luo wenzhou thinks: no matter who he is, in fact with ALL of who he is, i’m going to go up to fei du and connect to him, we are going to eat and be okay, we are going to carve out a life together and feel whole and safe and connected there. and so for all fei du is, when we are given luo wenzhou’s fathomless endless care for him it’s impossible not to also open our hearts to fei du. to assume no matter how different he is from us or feels things, or how inhuman or whatever, he’s a an amazing individual and worthy of being understood and accepted into our care too. because luo wenzhou’s viewpoint is hard to fight. even if we think luo wenzhou were wrong, if we didn’t get sucked in, we can’t fight the fact luo wenzhou unconditionally feels this and it won’t change, it will drive the story. 

there’s the choice priest made, to make an ‘ordinary’ enough hero of a story (a policeman - legal official solving crimes - who is almost superhero like in his original desire to help people and bring justice, who still ignores wounds and tries to be Larger than Life and do More than the average man, trying to save even with his very real human faults of a nepotism parentage and a short temper in his youth and a naivety he had to lose). he’s old but not jaded, he’s realistic and skilled now but still driven to give out justice, still hurts in his heart when he can’t help someone enough. and it all kicks off with a kid named fei du, and luo wenzhou wanting to heroically bring him justice and closure and save him like Superhero savior of the Cosmos young luo wenzhou did... and failing. failing. failing and having the realization he WILL fail people, legal justice is sometimes impossible or has dead ends and horrible things happen with no resolution and no one saved, and still wanting to care about fei du, wanting to do his best to help him even when it will Never ever be enough. Fei du will NEVER be saved. can not be saved. the damage has already been done (and after the basement scene, luo wenzhou realizes even into adulthood, even once fei du’s dad was in a coma, luo wenzhou still couldn’t even protect fei du from Himself, yet another way luo wenzhou can never be that Cosmic Superhero, not even that local guardian to one single boy, he loves fei du unconditionally and that does NOT mean he’ll ever be enough to protect him or undo the damage). 

but luo wenzhou tries anyway. and its in that trying, that is so worth it. it’s not the outcome, its the act of trying, the ‘ceremony’ and how it means he cares. how it means he views fei du as worthy of it (and he really views by extension so MANY worthy of it who he also can or can’t help to varying degrees, and it rubbed off on fei du, because now hes the kind of man who also finds it awful a poor young man named He zhongyi dies and is willing to go to any lengths to try and get justice for him, for any particular person). Anyway, the point is luo wenzhou is an understandable hero typical of his story type. His heroics are the super-detectives who want to save everyone, his failings are the cops like Lee Dong Sik in Beyond Evil who take their small tasks seriously and are aware they may never save their world or Do Enough and justice can fail but they’re still making Their Choices every day, their baggage and damage and aged lessons coming along. He is an ordinary enough choice for a lead. His most remarkable trait in my mind, that makes him stand out, is his decision once upon a time to care about fei du unconditionally. its a choice a parent makes when they adopt, a bodyguard makes in a fantasy tale when they decide to dedicate their life to their ruler, in a realism grounded story like Silent Reading real life red flags just usually keep such a decision from being made.

Take Flower of Evil - its normal for the wife to be suspicious her husband is a killer and investigate it before ultimately picking his side. Take Beyond Evil - Juwon is younger and has fucked up, but Lee Dong Sik makes fucked decisions he doesn’t expect of the younger, makes the choice to cross lines he feels the younger shouldn’t and maybe no one should but he’s too far gone to quit his path now. Luo Wenzhou sees fei du, the teenager, making death threats and you can’t abandon your own kid. But it’s not his kid, its a stranger like su luozhan who’s killed something, lashing out and feeling unlike other humans and without any real parent who gave them unconditional love (maybe fei du had his mom once a week when she was alive but with health issues and spousal issues and dad’s nonstop threat of a presence on them, fei du was not getting that secure unconditional love environment). its a stranger completely, and luo wenzhou just decides to love him anyway. 

So why’s he a brave writing choice? to use a character like luo wenzhou who does decide to love someone like that unconditionally. before the romance even starts. he’s not fei du’s family, he’s not fei du’s mentor until he Chooses to be, he’s not fei du’s lover when he makes the decision or long time spouse (like in Flower of Evil), he’s not a man who’s got enough shared experiences to understand fei du’s perspective (in fact it terrifies luo wenzhou the gulf there is between each other’s experience and view of the world). but luo wenzhou, the man that he is, chooses to love fei du unconditionally. 

it makes sense for his character of course, because priest is good at writing characters. while luo wenzhou fits the relative norm for his genre, it also makes sense his particular life leads him to a choice i rarely see in these stories. He’s an idealistic naive rash ‘hero’ rookie cop. He sees a child cope with the death of his mom and his world shatter, look at him with an intense resolve that BEGS Luo Wenzhou to BE the hero that can give fei du justice. Luo Wenzhou, the rookie who think himself Hero of the Galaxy, has been dealing with petty crime and this is one of (or possibly the FIRST) time anyone has given him the responsibility and Ability to attempt to serve justice on this scale. This is his first opportunity to SOLVE a possible murder, GIVE someone closure, and truly change their life on such a scale. Of course heroic-dreaming Luo Wenzhou, thinking himself important and inhumanly capable of anything to help someone, takes up that look fei du gives him and decides “then I will give you the justice you need. I will resolve this for you.” A character like him? what other choice would he make.

And fei du is both the first time the world gives him the chance to be the Big Hero Savior he wanted to be, and the reality check that he can NOT be that Hero. That such a heroic feat is impossible, is unreasonable, is not something anyone will be able to live up to forever without fail - especially him, who turns out is lacking much of what he needs to succeed. But even if he had ALL the tools to succeed: even if Luo Wenzhou had ALREADY been a Captain, with rich influential and politically powerful allies, and had been able to legally adopt fei du and take actual political action against fei du’s dad? Even if he HAD all that, luo wenzhou would not have been able to save fei du - from the pain of his childhood, from the loss of his mom, the mystery was too hard to be solved at the time (or luo wenzhou of stubbornness i believe would’ve found a way to solve it), or from fei du’s own self hatred and self harm (just given how privately fei du keeps part of himself - he kept so much from luo wenzhou and probably always would’ve). 

So even with everything, Luo Wenzhou would’ve failed. And at least failing then, as a rookie, he learned he WASN’T superman, he wasn’t infailable and Enough to save people inherently, and took the experience that he’d have to WORK and struggle and fight every single TIME to truly try and save people with him as he was promoted and gained power. That failure made him a better savior for future victims he’d help: because he’d be self aware that failure was possible, and helping others was going to be a struggle and require All his dedication every time, and is never a guarantee. 

Luo Wenzhou picking fei du changed their lives. He failed fei du (and always would have) and in doing so it made him a better person to help people moving forward. and in the moment he chose to try and save fei du, an impossible thing with no Real Guarantee (as Luo Wenzhou would learn later and not ever promise so freely with certainty again), fei du DID see him as a savior. As a hope. As the first guardian angel in his life, the first belief that ANYONE outside of himself could help him. Could fix anything in his life - could explain why his mom who loved him would choose to leave him, could explain if it was his own fault for not loving her ‘enough’ or being too monstrous or if it was someone else’s fault, who could take his father to justice for the awful things he’d done when to fei du his father was the god of his world able to kill and do anything and make fei du do Anything no matter how awful. For the first time, fei du truly had a hope in something able to HELP him. And Luo Wenzhou failed. And fei du experienced both a temporary believe in the kind of “justice is served to the evil, help is provided to the innocent” that children usually simplistically learn at first but he never did (because his father didn’t teach him that but that the predators do what they want). and then experienced a cold harsh horrible shock that it WAS a lie, that the person telling him to believe it - luo wenzhou - was wrong. that fei du’s view of the world was “correct” and the false hero he’d believed in, luo wenzhou, was a fool who believed falsehoods and couldn’t do anything real. that no one Could help fei du. 

and yet. despite all that. despite that failure shaping them both. it also tied them together. for all luo wenzhou failed, he still decided Inexplicably to be responsible for it. Instead of taking the loss, he went on to keep helping fei du. Caring. With Tao Ran as a contrast, its clear how excessive those actions were compared to the norm. Luo Wenzhou dragged Tao Ran into helping him take Fei Du after school, so fei du was rarely left alone in an empty house, into taking him out for food so he’d eat when the help at his house didn’t cook, these are all the acts of a godfather or a makeshift caretaker. They’re more than a responsible police officer should’ve ever gotten involved in a victim’s life - the most luo wenzhou should’ve appropriately done, was maybe call child services and insist and fight that no matter ‘how rich older master fei was’ the child still was in an enviornment that needs either an after school program for some socialization and social support, or a caretaker to move in, or if at all possible to get to live with a different guardian. But Luo wenzhou, knowing what’s appropriate, couldn’t abandon that ‘idealic heroic’ persona he learned failed and was unrealistic, still trying adamantly to be it for fei du. Even failure after failure. He would’ve adopted fei du probably, possibly, if the person he’d been fighting for custody against hadn’t been so filthy rich he’d have never had a chance. (never mind the legal issues im sure would keep him from getting custody, but the intent was there). He took fei du in as much as possible for their circumstances, then expanded that to full on parenting. To checking fei du’s report cards, to making sure he ate right, to checking on his healthcare, to commenting on his dating life as he grew up into a playboy partier, to insisting he pick a career, to worrying how he adjusted when his dad died and he had to take the business, to giving him gifts for birthdays and just cause (both secretly and also full on remembering his birthday when others didn’t), to the simpleness of scolding fei du like a regular teen caught cursing when he’d threaten violent, the simpleness of taking the Extreme-ness of fei du’s worse personality moments and simply saying ‘well whatever fucked up stuff you did or want to do, come sit down and have dinner, come on and join me.’ i care about you. lets eat. i accept you into our little family of two no matter what, and every meal is a ceremony reminding you this is permanent and secure and always here for you. 

luo wenzhou can’t save fei du as a child, can’t save him as an adult from himsel, can’t save him throughout of a great many deal awful things. but he can give him a safe stable eternal home in the both of them, that is always ALWAYS there. always opening it’s doors, always mobile and coming to fei du when he feels isolated and abandoned and like he doesn’t even belong to the same world, it exists everywhere. it’s his. its a thing he never had before luo wenzhou. but it exists now. and it is THAT which luo wenzhou can provide. 

He can’t save fei du from the many horrors of the world, from the monsters within himself. But he can give fei du a home that exists no matter what horrors exist or happen, a home that fei du will always belong IN no matter how monstrous he is, no matter what he’s done or what happens. 

Maybe once upon a time the end of the week with his mom, had been the closest fei du had to that kind of ‘home.’ Some safe place where he was loved even with everything different about him, with the fucked up views his dad pressed on him, with the way he felt different from others and uncomprehending of the world. His mom, fleetingly, would be there with the house made ready for him, would be happy to see him and simply be with him. 

Luo Wenzhou carved out a home for him after that, when he lost that, and made it permanent. It exists nonstop, always, whenever fei du is with luo wenzhou. waiting for fei du when they’re apart, always open for him to return. 

wow i got distracted in zhoudu dynamic stuff lol. back to whatever the point was... priest writing brave. so. while i love all of zhoudu’s very grey area roles filled up and overlapping dynamic. i think the above portion explains well WHY it makes sense for them. Why their dynamic makes sense it would happen, from luo wenzhou’s perspective. why luo wenzhou would choose to do it, and how it would end with him and fei du connecting deeply. 

Because that’s the kind of man luo wenzhou is and that’s where he was in his life, in the perfect place to make 1 single heroic Ideal decision and fail, but still feel too attached to actually quit and cut his losses. He could never cut the loss that was ‘failing fei du.’ he had to keep providing the only consolation he could, a home for fei du, even if he could provide nothing more. To Luo Wenzhou he will always be Fei Du’s very mortal and flawed Guardian Angel who couldn’t move heaven to save him or help him, but still took the job as his life’s work. And to Fei Du he will always be that very mortal Guardian Angel who lied that he was Strong enough when he wasn’t, when angels don���t exist and he was just a man, when justice doesn’t exist only this lying flawed incapable Luo Wenzhou trying to act like there is still justice. But to Fei Du, flaws and all, it’s still his Guardian Angel despite it all. In his world there are no angels, no true heroes. But this person is trying to be one, in Fei Du’s fucked up world where none exist, anyway. Luo Wenzhou is still trying to be one for him. And that’s worth something because it has MEANING, the choice to try to be an angel in a world with NONE means something, its the effort that counts. It’s the ceremony of doing it, the act, that means everything. (As luo wenzhou’s final lines in i think chapter ~79 hammer home).

Their dynamic makes sense, for them. Of course it’s where they’d end up, how they’d develop. How they’d get so enmeshed and close and Bigger Than People to each other (both symbolic Roles to each other while being gravely aware their symbol is actually just a flawed human who will never live up to it). To Fei Du, Luo Wenzhou will always be a Guardian Angel and that IS just a weak human who will fail the job. To Luo Wenzhou, Fei Du will always be his charge to Save, even though saving him is impossible, even though he’s failed for 7 years, even though fei du will never let him and both of them are More Than Aware this mission is impossible. Luo Wenzhou knows fei du is not a charge, was never one - or only one for the first time until Luo Wenzhou first failed. 

Fei Du is a grown man who has done bad things, horrible things to himself, who views the world so differently from Luo Wenzhou his morality might not even be able to compare with his, who is a man he can’t fully understand but tries to reach out any try to anyway. Every single time. What a brave choice. To be commited to unconditionally loving someone and trying to understand them, even painfully knowing you never will. We may truly never be able to understand another person completely. But in these two’s case, they truly have such different internal worlds, it is a painful point for them both that they really never will exist in the other’s world and grasp it fully. 

Fei Du is brave too. He knows Luo Wenzhou is an ordinary man, who belongs to the world most people understand and accept as reality. He knows he’ll never understand Luo Wenzhou, will always see some of Luo Wenzhou’s beliefs as lies or falsehoods most people seem to believe or assume or operate based on that Fei Du will never ever understand or connect to or operate under unless he tries very hard to force himself to act unnaturally. In a way, it is like an Angel loving a Demon. In reality they both realize they’re not an angel and devil - Luo Wenzhou realizes he’s painfully human and incapable, Fei Du doesn’t see himself as a demon he just thinks all humans are truly this way or walking-corpses unaware of it and Luo Wenzhou is another deluded soul lying to himself or simply way too uncomprehending to ever see the ‘truth’ of the world the way Fei Du is Only capable of seeing it. But Fei Du sees his own awareness as monstrous, in that it makes him a monster to those ordinary people and their entire world framework. And yet to Luo Wenzhou, he’s not a monster for it, just another flawed imperfect person like Luo Wenzhou is. They put themselves into the Roles of Angel and Demon, while knowing its partly untrue but unable to stop living that way when it comes to each other. Fei Du can’t help seeing Luo Wenzhou as an angel, in the warped way he’d view one in his world - a deluded hero who’s incapable, but still the closest thing to any angel in Fei Du’s world could exist. Fei Du can’t help seeing himself as a Demon, even though it’s normal to him he can’t shake the awareness its how he’d be in Luo Wenzhou (ordinary people’s) framework of the world. And then they meet in the middle somehow. And somehow even existing in different realities cause they perceive the world SO differently, Fei Du somehow catches a glimpse of himself in Luo Wenzhou’s worldviews: an innocent. An ordinary man. Not a demon, not even different from others. But someone who could and DOES exist in Luo Wenzhou’s world where people who are hurt deserve justice and people attempt to give them it, where cruelty is not the norm and not comprehensible to the masses. Fei Du isn’t compatible with that world - he’s not comprehensible to them. But somehow Luo Wenzhou can look at him, and place fei du into that world. And for the moment they’re together Fei Du EXISTS in both worlds. Is brought into the world outside his, that he can’t be part of or relate to or understand, and see as if he’s like Luo Wenzhou almost. And he wants to be one of the people providing justice to those who are harmed, one of the people who views cruelty outside of the norm and combats it. Could he do this, view things this way, if Luo Wenzhou didn’t connect their worlds by being connected to Fei Du?

And in contrast, in Fei Du’s world the cruelty is the norm, there is no one innocent only those harmed and those self aware enough they also cause it. There is no justice, only an attempt of power and control until the inevitable death. People like Luo Wenzhou cannot exist. In Fei Du’s mind, people like Luo Wenzhou can at most only be struggling helplessly against nature, hurting themselves by prodding other violent people, giving no justice because there’s no way to give it, just struggling to fight for an outcome that is impossible to provide. But because its Luo Wenzhou, Fei Du’s worldview shifts to accomodate him: Luo Wenzhou is a pathetic man fighting for an outcome that can never occur... but he keeps trying anyway. And because he’s Fei Du’s personal angel, even though angels can’t exist here in fei du’s view of the world? Fei Du almost wants to believe maybe there’s worthiness in someone trying anyway. To be like an angel. To do what nothing in his world does, want what can’t be achieved in his view of the world. And that’s where their worlds connect. Where Fei Du’s world connects to Luo Wenzhou’s and lets a sliver of Luo Wenzhou into his as something Possible. And is that why Fei Du wades into the water of doing work like Luo Wenzhou? Is that why he cares when a son dies and leaves a mom behind. In his world to care is illogical and pointless and has no use. But Luo Wenzhou IS in Fei Du’s world, and he cares. So Fei Du feels like... maybe he’ll care too, even if it is useless. He’ll let himself care still, like Luo Wenzhou cares. 

There is use in the ACT of caring. Even if it changes nothing. There is worth in the act of caring, even if it fails to save anyone or stop harm. Is that one of the themes of Silent Reading I wonder... its certainly a theme of these two’s relationship.

It’s the point of Luo Wenzhou trying to explain to Fei Du what their connection is. It’s the connection of their worlds - Luo Wenzhou in our usually normally accepted one, and Fei Du in his hopeless one. It’s also the connecting point of their personalities - through knowing each other they’ve both developed a level of caring. Caring despite finding it cannot save, cannot stop the awful things that have happened and will later. 

And so we get to a point where Fei Du cares about Luo Wenzhou, even though Wenzhou failed him and still does. Even though Luo Wenzhou will never fully understand him or the world he exists in. 

I never realized just how wholly separate their concepts of the worlds they exist in were till I wrote this damn. 

>>I keep losing the point in zhoudu meta lmao. Anyway back to priest. What I am impressed by (among many things), is priest writes that kind of dynamic as mentioned above. The ‘normal ordinary hero’ type Luo Wenzhou who can never connect to the kind of person/world Fei Du exists in, and vice versa. But somehow they meet halfway and see through the keyhole of the other person’s world anyway. Take one step in, while still being unable to enter the other’s world and abandon their own. It’s impossible. But it is. Because they choose to do it, no matter how impossible it is. 

And its this relationship that outside on paper on some novel summary is the tags idk older/younger, rich/gruff, cruel/heroic whatever. When I walked in once upon a time, with the impression from a tagged summary it was going to be a cold genuis with a fascination for analysing cruelty, and a heroic gruff type combatting him and helping him ‘grow a heart’ I did not expect this kind of deep relationship dynamic i actually got. I didn’t expect a relationship that’s part caretaker/child, part opponents striving to fight yet it’s to connect their irreconcilable worlds, part lovers who were already closer than usual lovers before the romance even enters the picture. I didn’t expect 7 years of failing each other, but still being unconditional care there. Fei Du is not just a ‘cold genius’ he’s given the traits of a man from a world where he sees himself as the ordinary monster of it, and he will never ‘grow a heart’ and come to see the world like Luo Wenzhou (I’m 70% through the novel but i don’t think he will). And Luo Wenzhou for all his physical actions is not a gruff man with a ‘warm heart’ a la some sweetie pie emotional warm hero. He was an idealistic idiot who got a reality shock he wasn’t Superman, who grew into a realist. He is a guardian angel who is not actually an angel and KNOWS he isn’t but can’t stop himself from trying to be for Fei Du, the first and only time he tried to be one, refusing to quit this mission even though it’s been lost a million times and it’s painful for both of them for him to keep pretending he’s an angel instead of a man. Luo Wenzhou’s warm emotional ‘hopes and ideals’ don’t touch Fei Du and ‘change him’ (although Fei Du trying to understand Luo Wenzhou’s pov at least does open him up to witnessing Tao Ran’s idealism and kindness even though he finds it naive). 

While their failures with each other certainly change them, they don’t actually change the core of each other - they are permanently too distinctly different people who see the world in an incompatibly different way. Growing up with Luo Wenzhou certainly influenced Fei Du’s behaviors, and gave him a peek into seeing the world differently, but he still ultimately exists mainly in his own world. Even with shared experiences together now, working together, it’s not shifting Luo Wenzhou into a person who sees the world as inherently cruel and monstrous like Fei Du, and its not shifting Fei Du into seeing justice as natural and possible. In some couple stories the worldviews would gradually mesh as the shared experiences grew - but no, not with these two. 

The beauty of their relationship is they Will exist in their separate worlds, their incompatible worldviews and interpretations of it. But they still connect. They still carved out this space of a home together, that exists in both worlds. That has a window to each other’s worlds where they ask the other to explain what that unimaginable window’s view means, how the hell the other person is interpreting it because they don’t see it the same way. This shared home, that lets them concieve of a world where the other person can and DOES exist in their world. Fei Du sees himself as a monster in a world where it’s natural, and where angels don’t exist let alone just heroes - but Luo Wenzhou is in his world. Impossibly. He’s there, he’s part of it, he’s relentless, and he always will be. In Luo Wenzhou’s world, Fei Du exists and is just as inevitably part of it as Luo Wenzhou is. Even though Fei Du can’t conceive of existing in Luo Wenzhou’s kind of world - luo wenzhou sees Fei Du WITH him there, dragging him in by refusing to accept that Fei Du couldn’t be there. 

Fei Du’s heart (in my prediction anyway lol) is not going to grow 3 sizes and decide justice is possible, is expected, and he’s an ordinary person who thinks like the others and feels wronged when he’s not given help and doesn’t instinctively think cold things. But Fei Du’s heart, despite himself and knowing Luo Wenzhou lied about being an angel in Fei Du’s world where none exists and failing him, holds a permanent space for Luo Wenzhou. A permanent part of him lets itself open the window to what Luo Wenzhou sees, and even though Fei Du simply can’t understand it, he lets the wind come in. Lets the idea drift through his own world: that for all justice is impossible, try to fight to do justice anyway. Try to conceive that people deserve it anyway, even if there is no way they do. Just humor the idea. Try anyway. It’s okay to try, even if the result will fail. Luo Wenzhou tries anyway, so you Fei Du can indulge in trying too despite it all. Fei Du’s heart has Luo Wenzhou in it, broken through the window and bringing the breeze, residing warmly in it and bringing all the ‘idealistic-fictional’ warmth from the world ‘other ordinary society thinks’ and decorates. Brings warm cooked noodles, shrimp, sweet candy so sweet its better than Fei Du’s world but here IT IS. Brings hope and determination and belief that doesn’t exist in Fei Du’s world, but here it is, in residence in his heart, with good smells that make him hungry, that taste like nothing that’s supposed to exist. And Fei Du thinks: its a lie, it can’t exist, it can’t be this good, it can’t be permanent... it must be an illusion or something that will crumble later. But its Luo Wenzhou... so Fei Du tries indulging the temporary goodness anyway, even if it WILL crumble. Like how Luo Wenzhou will still fail. Even so, even though this is nicer than any dinner in his world with his mom and dad had been, so much nicer he believes it impossible and a lie and just as hard to rely on as trying to grab the wind. He’ll still sit down and accept it for the experience it is. Because Luo Wenzhou brought it and said it was their home. And even if it makes no sense, somehow in their shared point of connection - this place where their worlds can almost overlap? It’s worth it to try. It’s the act of trying that’s important, not the outcome later. Not what’s possible or impossible. But that here, they can coexist somehow. That they tried very hard to carve out this home right here. They can be brave enough to believe the other sometimes about their other worlds, even if they can never move into the other’s. Try to go on faith on the other person, and try out the other person’s way of living in their very different world, even though it makes no sense. 

It’s a love story about yes, being seen as all of who you are and still loved unconditionally (something often appealing in fiction romance). But also like. Its this heavy reality of No, actually, you will NOT ever be seen completely and understood completely by another person. We are not Fei Du and we are not usually seeing the world and it’s ‘laws’ as so drastically different as him. But like him, when we meet people even as close as we may become, as much as we share, another person will truly never see and feel exactly as we do. Words are imperfect, people’s past experiences and personalities are all different, people can’t read your mind and see your history and feel your emotions. There is no perfect fullproof way to get someone to truly understand you completely. And that’s okay. You can be loved, you can connect, even when that’s true. There is worth in making connections, even if we will ever only be understood imperfectly, only partly be able to view the world or something the same way. Even if someone can’t understand why X is that way about you or why you can’t believe Y the same way they do (even when you try your best to). There is space in all of us to find a way to still love whole heartedly, to choose to Try to understand. There is power in choosing to try, and keep choosing to, even though it’s an impossible endeavor to ever fully accomplish. Like Luo Wenzhou, we choose anyway. Like Fei Du, we realize there’s worth in just the act of trying. Even if we are never fully seen, can never fully grasp the other, there’s care there. The care builds a space for us to connect. A space for us to feel close enough, safe and loved. 

#silent reading #lb #meta #zhoudu #zhoufei #WELL this turned into a mega zhoudu meta and character analysis #character analysis #i will say though. damn. #i think this is true of many (possibly all of priests works but i havent read all) of priests novels #is that they really CAN be delved into analysis wise as works of literature #Silent Reading alone? It has a LOT to say about society and justice and our expectations we're raised on #versus how society really acts. versus the unique ways individuals VARY WILDLY in their perception of it #which i didnt even go into in this meta. but in a Literature Class that'd probably be the main theme. #but then also? fei du and luo wenzhou really ARE doing something so unique with their dynamic that's worth discussing #the fact that like they DO put each other on pillars. while also being self aware those pillars are LIES. and then yet they keep #functioning as if both aware the other are only human AND still putting faith in the pillars they put them on #the fact that in this story the two NEVER reconcile their worldviews into one shared one more or less. which usually happens in these #stories of different ppl. think Goodbye My Princess or Love and Redemption or The Untamed - those different ppl #end up experiencing things that help them come to understand each others pov and perspective of the world. #but the thing is lwz and fd will NOT compromise or change their core world view understandings. lwz just CANT see the world #as inherently monstrous and cruel and kindness as so fleeting and impotent. its against his entire belief system and experiences and #against who he IS. and fei du just Cannot see the world like the ordinary masses. let alone like luo wenzhou who #when young saw himself as the pure idealistic super Hero. to fei du a man like luo wenzhou just Cannot exist and succeed or and just IS #wrong. but their choice to connect anyway is a bridge between worlds. they cant even see eye to eye. but they can choose to connect anyway #despite it. #and internally grow hope and awareness and motivation. even if their worlds remain the same