#its not even that i hate religion or anything!! but this job is making me feel so much negativity and UGHHHH!!!

[bisexual-joseph-joestar]

.

#its not even that i hate religion or anything!! but this job is making me feel so much negativity and UGHHHH!!! #LIKE NOT EVEN MY OWN FAMILY PUSHES THIS MUCH WHY ARE THEY!!! #AND AT WORK TOO???? #but its like!! im on board and just being respectful and stuff cause like yeah i get why they have so much faith but its like!!! #they’ll tell me that on my own i cant make it but since theres god or jesus or whatever then i can be strong #like literally saying you dont have your own strength or hope but with faith you can get help #and im like ????? uh no i think im pretty strong and fine on my own and i think i #*im the one who has worked hard to get to where i am #but then their opinion would be that im just a selfish person for thinking that im better than god or something #and I CANTTTTT 🤬

[fiddlepickdouglas]

.

#warning this is just dark depressing shit i have on my mind and i need to just scream it somewhere #i genuinely need help. i need someone professional to help unravel the shit that's running through my brain right now #it is not good that i keep imagining harming myself just to get into a fucking hospital to get things addressed #it isn't serious yet but it's getting more frequent and im really scared of what i will pick when it gets worse #im barely functioning as a human and i don't currently have the resources to help me develop better habits #i don't have a support system irl. when you drop the religion your family raised you in- #-and your friends all live 1000s of miles away it's real fucking lonely #the list of things to address with a doctor is so fucking long and i cannot afford that visit #i only work one part time job and im too stressed to do more than that how the fuck will i ever afford anything #things are so fucked rn im constantly in pain and i keep not eating enough and then my food goes bad and it's such a waste #trying to plan anything scares the shit out of me. genuinely don't know why i make plans anymore #i can't even create or keep promises about the things i said i would create and it feels so purposeless #it's like the only kind of happiness i can get is all just diving into fandom and acting like im so funny #like yeah im hilarious huh for enjoying this shit and being so loud on the on site i ever use #and then i fucking hide from the real world because i can't take an ounce of negativity or i will have a nervous breakdown #i want to be known and loved but god at what cost i do not have the sanity to open up like that #i want to be held and have someone check on ME for once. have someone be kind to me for once. #instead of swallowing everything because im so afraid of being hated instead #i shouldn't even be afraid of being hated but damn if my trauma didn't rear its ugly head #and remind me that the people who should have cared the most didn't give enough of a shit to try #and make me wanna die about it #i need to get out of this fucking room but god it's so hard to make my body move #when it's so easy to just lie here watch reruns of whatever proves im not worth a damn #my room is a mess and i was gonna do laundry and i was going to run errands today #but no apparently any time i have off work is dedicated to either distracting myself with blorbos #or wallowing in my miserable shit #and you bet it feels fucking pathetic. like i should know better. i should be better. im not. #im no good honestly. i can't even let myself scream or cry loud enough so that the roommate i don't talk to will be concerned. #why bug him when we've established being chill and knowing nothing whatsoever about each other #i can't be someone else's burden again. being a burden is what fucking kills me.

[pansear-doodles]

Let me get things out of the way first: I've seen a lot of misinformation being passed around, on twitter especially where a lot of folks jump into conclusions more so they can find a reason to be angry. This thread will clear things up.

Yes. Ludeo is very much a company with zi*nist views. This is a screencap of a post made AFTER Is*ael made an attack on Palestine. For those who think initially: "they're just run by folks from Is*ael" then here's proof that they're actively agreeing with genocide.

Videocult and Akupara DID NOT KNOW Ludeo had zi*nist views at the time they started collaborating, which dates from last year. It's only NOW that it's brought to attention by the RW community. They are working on arrangements in private as we speak.

The collab has caused a lot of complications, as it is pretty much one of the reasons why the game's price is upped. Our voices have already reached them- they're very well aware that we are NOT happy with this.

The feedback has of course reached the RW official server mods as well, and guess what: They didn't know until they were told. This is the first time they heard of this and they are very much making is very obvious that they do not agree with zi*nist views.

Unfortunately a lot of people thought them shutting down the server and any discussions of this whole event is "silencing" Let's be real here. NOBODY in the community wanted this, and it is very stressful to deal with all of this. Mods are 1% of the server population and-

-they are human too. People have called them spineless which is pretty pathetic. They have to babysit 50K+ MEMBERS everyday and they don't need to deal with anymore upsets. And sending your concerns to them is pointless- give your feedback to videocult and akupara instead!

As someone with modding experience elsewhere, I cannot imagine handling a server as big as that. People were sent FUCKING DEATH THREATS and they think this will solve anything??? At this point, it's just people trying to find the closest proximities to be mad at.

It is pointless and I am so tired of mods being called weak when they're just doing their job and hate Ludeo as much as everyone else. I doubt these people don't know what its like to be a mod. Creating a strike in a server where its supposed to be chill isn't the way.

The mods even directed the people more useful and more impactful ways to send the feedback across. This isn't silencing. People are just too angry to think straight and just wanted chaos as the option- when in reality its going to do more damage than good.

The server is a getaway place- it is not a server about politics- it is about a fucking video game. It is not the way to get the feedback in the way that actually matters. The staff openly announced the situation and showed their views so they're not trying to hide it.

Anyway, if it isn't clear. I hate zi*nists too. I hate colonialism. I hate using religion as an excuse to hurt and belittle people. I want people of Palestine to be free and I am hopeful that their freedom will come.

Yet people are ripping out those who are on the same team as them, spreading vitriol and misinformation. Please, twitter, think and cite your sources. To think only in anger will fog your senses and do more harm than good.

The mods are passionate folks and they do their job for free, just to make a safe environment. You may disagree with them sometimes, but I think it is stupid to outright call them ignorant or zi*nists themselves.

It *is* unfortunate that the devs and publishers didn't do enough background check, but at least they took our feedback into incredible consideration. We are not stopping our disagreement of integrating Ludeo, until something is done about it. Let's wait for more updates.

#rain world #rainworld #rainworld downpour #rain world downpour #long

[chronicowboy]

i love you (and i like you) aka the parks and rec au | 65k

"Dad!" Christopher shouts suddenly, moving past Buck with frankly impressive speed. "There's a petting zoo!"

Buck spins around to greet Shannon's mysterious ex and he has to rub his eyes to make sure what he's seeing isn't a hallucination brought on by the sleep deprivation and blaring summer heat because Eddie Diaz is hefting Christopher up onto his hip like he weighs nothing, big cow eyes softer than Buck has ever seen them as he listens to his son—his son!!—ramble about the farm animals with a smile that almost brings Buck to his knees.

"Fuck," he hisses to himself.

"Yeah." Shannon sighs solemnly in solidarity. "They tend to have that effect on people."

"Christ, did you know this whole time?" he asks suddenly. Shannon grins at him.

"I had my suspicions after Eddie disappeared on us at Macarthur park and came back looking like a broken man." She shrugs. "But I didn't know you were the guy my ex-husband has been talking about constantly for the past week."

"Constantly?" Buck croaks. Shannon nods, a twinkle to her eyes. "All good things I hope, but all bad things I assume."

"All good things said with the tone of a man talking about the bad things," she says cryptically.

"Oh, God," Buck blanches. "I told him he hated kids."

"Oh, yeah." Shannon laughs. "That was a fun day for me. For Eddie, not so much."

And Buck hasn't taken his eyes off Eddie since this revelation which is how he knows Eddie hasn't once looked away from his kid, but it also means he's looking when Eddie looks back at him with something wary to the set of his jaw. Shannon steps forward then and starts ushering Chris towards the petting zoo with a pointed glance at the both of them, and Buck is widening his eyes apologetically before they're even out of earshot.

"Eddie, I am so fucking sorry," he rushes out. "I was angry when I said that, but I had no right to accuse you of it, kid or no kid or best kid in the whole world. Which. I don't have to tell you how many kids I meet in this job, Eddie, but I've never met a kid like Chris."

"Yeah, he's pretty special," Eddie murmurs, eyes on Christopher as he navigates his way through the crowd. "And I appreciate your apology," Eddie says to him, "but your fourth outburst was actually kind of helpful?" He squints at himself before shaking his head. "What I mean is that I do everything for that kid. Absolutely everything I do... It's all for him, you know?" And, God, the pure, unfiltered love in Eddie's voice is enough to make Buck reconsider religion because this must be what real worship looks like. "But sometimes I get so in my head about what I'm doing for him that I forget that its, you know, for him. You reminded me of that," Eddie says softly, only turning to meet his eyes once Chris is balanced against the railing of the goat enclosure. Buck gets a little breathless at the remnants of his gentle love on his face. "So, thank you. For reminding me." Eddie smiles at him for a beat before it twists into an expression of realisation. "Wait, you're the park creep that befriended my son and flirted with my ex?"

"Well, that's not..." Buck rubs a sheepish hand over the back of his neck and kicks at the ground. "Shannon flirted with me first, it was instinct to flirt back. And she's the one that called me a creep, Christopher thinks I'm cool."

"Yeah, he does," Eddie breathes out. "Shannon told me what you did for him. With the swing."

"Oh, I didn't do anything." Buck waves him off. "He looked interested is all."

"Well, you made his week. Couldn't stop talking about wanting to be a park ranger. Still won't stop talking about it actually." Eddie shoots him one of those soft-eyed looks.

"There'll be an internship waiting for him when he's sixteen," Buck mutters hoarsely before stuffing his hands in his pockets and averting his eyes. "You know, if there's still a parks department for me to be a part of."

"Well then, guess I'll have to see what I can do." Eddie winks at him, then blinks at himself like he's wondering what the fuck he just did—and Buck is right there with him—before gravitating towards his son.

tags and a bonus under the cut!

@danielsousa @gracelcdomas @angstydiaz @jamietarts @butchdiaz @shitouttabuck @haradrimculture @pinky-promisesss @starlingbite @dontneedmyheart @spaceprincessem @prince-buck-diaz @shortsighted-owl @buck2eddie @diazly

#sami rambles #she's here!!! can you believe it? #she's a real alive fic!!! and she's wonderful and perfect and she's done nothing wrong ever in her life #i hope she doesn't disappoint #911 fic #911 fanfic #buddie fic #buddie fanfic #buck x eddie fic #the parks and rec au

[blazinghotfoggynights]

I am alternating between CTFU at and glaring at women, and some men, who stopped finding the character of Buck attractive because he is now canonically bi. I know there are women who identify as straight and men who identify as gay who have issues with men who identify as bi.

Let me let you in on a little secret. Ladies, if you are over a certain age, identify as hetero, and had the average number of partners or more, the odds that you have been with a man who is bi is quite high. Many men, especially those who have a professional background deeply entrenched in jobs considered manly and macho, or were military prior to DADT being repealed, were very much bi and closeted. They forced themselves to be with only women due to the stigma and bigotry that was much more normalized and accepted back then.

Gay men who dislike men who are bi, you need to know that if you have been with the average number of partners or more, the odds are you have been with someone who is, in fact, bi. I know there are bi men who hid their attraction to women when they were seriously interested in men who disliked bi men. Being repressed or forced into the closet doesn't change your sexuality; it changes how you deal with it.

Here is a PSA to the bigots: Bi men are still men. Their sexuality does not make them dirtier, more promiscuous, more likely to be unfaithful, or more untrustworthy. Their manhood is not diminished because they are attracted to both males and females. They are not confused. They are not hiding from being straight or being gay. They are not mentally ill. They are not unable to commit or be in love.

It is 2024. The negative stereotypes and beliefs toward bi men are archaic. They are men and do not all fit into one category. You'll find some who are great guys and other who are terrible candidates for dating, you know, just like dating straight guys or gay guys.

As someone who has long been an ally, and has dated, with no hesitation, men who identify as bi, if you are "turned off" by a great man only because he is bi, then he isn't the one with the problem.

This storyline touches on some topics that are very dear to me. I have seen people joyous for representation and the respectful way Buck's bi awakening is being portrayed by Oliver Stark and written by the writers. Having been a friend, and sometimes girlfriend, to men who would have done anything to be open but could not, seeing this storyline means a lot to me.

I have also seen some ugliness in people that had never been revealed before. (Posts across social media from some people saying they wouldn't watch the show anymore because Buck is gay now or how they made Buck <insert negative and insulting adjective here>. They watched it when Hen, Karen, Michael, David, and Josh were portrayed as gay, but Buck being bi is a problem? Please, make this make sense.)

I will part with this. Some of the most amazing men I have ever known are neither straight nor gay, they are in the middle. Some of the best relationships I've ever had were with men whom I could go guy-watching with.

But, I've never been into disliking people for ridiculous reasons or being hateful. When you get to know people on an individual basis and without prejudice or being a narrow-minded bigot, you find many gems around you.

Kudos to ABC for taking it there and major respect for Oliver Stark for taking on an assignment in this country at this time , when ultra-conservatism, aka accepted, and even legislated, prejudice, bigotry, and religion-based government, is trying to rear its head again.

#911 abc #911 on abc #bi!buck #evan buckley #evan buck buckley #oliver stark #911 #911 show #911 season 7 #LouEng's take

[y2kas13]

Part two…

I think I may have perceived the Neil druckmann situation to be a little different than you did. Neil druckmann is from Israel and witnessed this brutality and genocide first hand, since Palestine and Israel have been fighting for many years! He said witnessing this caused a deep anger in him that he harnessed when writing tlou2…

I thought he was using art to make a comment on the situation. Like, he wanted to show that constant fighting over land and religion never leads to anything good. Literally, they showed that the constant fighting between the scars and WLF lead to the demise of both groups. As Shakespeare said, art holds a mirror to reality. Through art, we can make intentional choices that will evoke certain feelings in people. Because of all of the vengeance and violence they participated in, Abby and Ellie both lost everything. Could it be that this theme was missed by you? Art is meant to evoke visceral responses, so it kinda seems like he did his job with that. Also, he supplied financial support to both the Palestine and Israelis, so I’m not entirely sure how it was concluded that he hates Palestine. (I think what is happening oversees is absolutely disgusting, but I don’t see how Naughty Dog is perpetuating the war. Also, you never know what someone has been through or seen, so you really can’t condemn people for compartmentalizing in order to make it through. That is how/why some people are able to temporarily put the bad shit to the back of their mind for a few hours while they click some buttons on a controller.) What is the goal with not buying remastered tlou2? I want to help, but I don’t see how not purchasing a video game will make anything better. I want to understand. Remastered was auto-downloaded to my ps5, since I had it in my wishlist for a while. They already have my money for it, so might as well play it? They can’t benefit anymore from me playing it I don’t think…

while I can agree in the game you see how both side's actions are harmful to one another this isn't the case in real life. In Tlou its clear cut that no side is truly "evil" just the product of violence that isn't their own until they take on the violence but that's not the case in real life with Palestine and Isreal which is where I believe you are misconstruing what I'm trying to say. Palestine didn't do anything to Israel at least not in the same capacity as what Israel has done to them.

Tlou and Palestine/Israeli conflict are different in the sense that there is clear right and wrong, now am I going to sit here and say Palestine is completely 100% innocent no. But in this conflict yes. The people of Palestine shouldn't have to suffer because another nation wants to selfishly take what not there's and kill them to get it.

I am not claiming he hates Palestine but I don't think its fair for him to act like its some their both bad and good on both sides Israelis can walk free in their streets while Palestinians wonder if they will be shot down in there own to "be made an example of". it's not a fair nor accurate representation of the truth.

Not purchasing Tlou 2 shows that using real-world suffering for your profit and gain and not even doing them justice and being fair isn't right nor will be tolerated.

If you truly "want to help" and understand don't argue with me in my asks listing to the dozens of real Palestinians begging you to do what you can and if that means not buying a game then so be it. don't you think they want to be able to sit back and a play game.

I hope this cleared up for you and others why people like me are putting the pressure to not buy and boycott the game.

#ellie williams #ellie x fem reader #ellie williams x reader #abby anderson #abby anderson x reader #free gaza #palestine #the last of us #free palestine #gaza genocide

[anamericangirl]

The most frustrating part of the discussion about drug shows, LGBTQ, pedophiles, and kids is how quickly leftists will change the subject to religion.

1: This drag queen who does a reading hour was found with CP on his computer.

2: There are pedophiles in churches too!

1: I'm aware of that. If there was a pedophile priest I would bring it to your attention too. I'm not talking about something that happened years, or months ago or any hypothetical pedos who still haven't been caught. I'm talking about what was reviled this morning.

2: You Christians are always demonizing poor LGBTQ people, making them look like they're after your kids. Deal with pedophiles in Churches first!

1: First of all, it's not only Christians who have problems with kids being taught LGBTQ and Drag Queens. Those things are obviously sexual. Talking about who you prefer in bed. Talking about changing your privet parts. ''Feeling'' like another gender. It confuses kids! That's why there is so many LGBT youth who later regret transitioning. Second of all, we are dealing with all kinds of pedophiles everywhere at the same time. There is no ''deal with it first''. There always be another one of these people. If we're only allowed to talk about pedophiles in LGBT spaces after we deal with pedos in Churches we will never get to talk about it. And even if by any chance we did succeed there would be no telling because of all the hypothetical pedos that can still be there. Also, why do you only bring the Christian religion? What about other religions that don't support LGBTQ? And what about religions that practice marriage between children and adults, actually, plain to see pedophilia?

2: So you're not only homophobic but also racist!?!

1: Religion is not a race!

2: Here, I found an article about a pedophile priest just a day ago. I will vandalize local Churches which have nothing to do with this guy.

1: What? Why? How will it help? If you're worried about children being abused why don't you just observe people around them and look for something suspicious?

2: The unfortunate truth is there always be pedophiles where kids are. Predator follows its prey. I don't think they go out of their way to work at a senior home instead of a school. Speaking of which there is much more pedophile teachers. Will be just as passionate about getting rid of them from schools as you are about getting them out of Churches?

1: I don't want to get rid of them from the Churches. I want Churches and Christianity gone.

2: By that logic, should we get rid of public schools?

1: I don't care about logic. I care about feelings, MY FEELINGS regarding hating anything Christian and loving anything ''progressive''. I use children to guilt trip you into agreeing with me.

A pedophile is a pedophile! Stop protecting them because they belong to your group! It makes that group look terrible.

That's a pretty solid break down of the problem here. Instead of just acknowledging the pedophiles in their own group when they are discovered they just deny, deny, deny and immediately just turn it onto christianity for some reason and find a news article about someone child molester from a church as if that makes a point against the pedos in their own camp.

And the thing is we're not even denying that some people in the churches are pedophiles. There are pedos everywhere and what we need to do is remove them, not act like they aren't there or just shrug and go "well I found one in your group too!!" Uh good job?? Let's get rid of them both.

Instead of trying to find who has more pedos we should just be able to unite on expelling them. Not denying the problem and trying to shift the focus elsewhere.

#anon #answered

[go-to-the-mirror]

Happy @tmaappreciationweek day 1! I drew something, but it’s kinda ¯\_(ツ)_/¯, so… fic recs! Jon-centric ones, because he’s my favourite major character to precisely no one’s surprise.

It’s in order of vaguely when they take place.

nature has taught her creatures to hate (words 183,928) by thepolysyndetonaddictsupportgroup

Jon goes to the Magnus Institute to give a statement about Mr. Spider when he’s 8 years old, but is kidnapped and made to become a child avatar. It… really hurts. So much. 100% recommend. Good luck.

Merry-Go-Round (words 20,744) by Prim_the_Amazing

Jon becomes a stranger avatar, in like this horrifying way, and it’s like, it’s almost appealing, like MAG 152, but also you’re like oh god. Ohhhh god. Dont. Dont do that. And yeah, it’s really good.

you appear familiar, dear— you look just like my bathroom mirror (words 3,340) by takethebreadsticksandRUN

One of those one shots that take a theme and then run with it through canon (and in this case, pre-canon). It’s about identity issues related to your body, about gender dysphoria and the Issues that come with having your bodily autonomy repeatedly violated and also religion. Catholicism, to be specific. It’s really good, and the religious imagery is neat, and it’s so good. It’s really gender, it gets the gender feelings.

Jon focused, introspection. I love Jon focused introspection.

all your scars are looking more like scales (words 2,827) by ceaselesswatchers

Another one of those one shots. This time the theme is Jon being a dragon (in an Otherkin way). It’s really good.

but you just don’t feel the same (words 2,825) by ceaselesswatchers

Yet another one of those one shots. This one focuses on soulmates, how they’re actually body horror if you think about it, and how that would interact with being aro. Jon’s aromantic in this fic.

Also, I won’t spoil it, but it’s got a moment near the end that I love so much, and it’s just… this fic really tackles a lot of things in TMA and a lot of things with soulmate AUs and makes me Very Horrified.

terror management theory (words 36,587) by prismatical

ITS SO FUNNY AND ITS SO SAD

It’s half crack half oh my god. oh my fucking god. Where Jon was killed by Mr. Spider as a kid and now he keeps coming back to life. Prismatical writes really good… moments that stick in your brain.

There is a Wasp’s Nest in my Archives (words 7,525) by ineverwritebutwhatever

One of the first fics I bookmarked, like even before finishing season 2? Had no idea what the corruption was, but then, but then, I revisited it, and it’s… phenomenal? It really does a good job of tackling both the metaphorical and literal aspects of the corruption.

of broken tables and stained kitchen sinks (words 2,114) by ocaptain_mycaptain

Everyone’s favourite… Jongeorgie angst! Platonic. It’s set in season 3, Jon’s all like “I’ll keep all of my problems right here, and then one day, I’ll die” and Georgie’s like “hey, jon, I can’t help you if you don’t tell me anything. Please tell me something” and meanwhile they’re having issues that are symbolised through Georgie’s home and furniture being in need of repairs.

Not (words 1,767) by DaFlangstLairde

A really cool fic beginning in season 3 (but it’s one of Those one shots), focusing on what it means to be a person and even real. Can confirm, feels a lot like depersonalisation, lol. Anyway, it’s so cool, also it’s something I can use to say Stranger!Jon rights.

So, for realistic depictions of depersonalisation, Jon themed musings on humanity, and Stranger!Jon propaganda… this is the fic for you!

The Bird of Paradise (comic, 47 chapters) by lady_libertine

This was required reading for a different fic. It’s about Jon meeting Odin, Dionysus, and Lucifer during the Unknowing, and getting slightly magical therapy that helps him fix his problems. It’s actually pretty good. Very long, though. And not described (unless it is through alt text).

Cry For Me (words 4,827) by BusinessCasualAura

(who is apparently my mutual, i keep forgetting this)

Okay, so this series is like, so sad. It’s so bloody sad. It starts between s3 and s4 (getting off to a Sad Start), continues through s4 and s5, ends in like, the worst way (for the characters). It’s so bloody good, and the Upton House portion is like… top 2 Upton House fics.

can’t be helped (words 5,308) and rituals (words 8,492) by doomcountry

The first fic is set in season 4, but canon diverges, and both Martin and Jon fall fully to their patrons (i.e. Jon becomes a lot more evil and inhuman, Martin fulfils more of the diagnostic criteria for major depressive disorder).

The second fic is set after the first fic, with Martin (less lonely) trying to see if there’s any Jon left in the Archivist. First fic focuses pretty equally on Jon and Martin, but in separate storylines, second fic is from the Archivist’s POV, but focuses on Jmart.

stopgap prophecy (words 16,686) by prismatical

It’s about humanity and monsterhood and “is it right to die bc living will hurt people” and change, and I love it. It’s so good. And Jon’s narration is wonderful, and the climax is just, it’s amazing to read, it plays out in my head all the time. Set in season 4, post-MAG 146.

the best policy (words 20,094) by BlueGirl22

Jon reads a truth telling Leitner during season 4, and then people have heart to hearts with him. It goes. It certainly goes.

For he will not do destruction, if he is well fed (words 15,127) by greevianguy

Jon projects on a cat for 15,127 words. No but, like, set in season 4, Jon sees a cat at the institute, and then he sees it again with Daisy, and he wonders if he can help, and he thinks about the cat Daisy had and how it was let go by someone who was supposed to help it and yes jon go on, no, im not taking notes.

It’s just, argjhhh it’s so painful. Might be my favourite tma fic. Go read it. Right now.

Out of My Head (words 15,641) by buildoblivionthenwewilltalk

This is a really good post-MAG 154 fic, and it’s got this cool original character, and it’s got this absolute BANGER of an ending that never gets elaborated on, it’s fine i’m fine and yeah. Favourite post-MAG 154, easily.

in the chillest land and on the strangest sea (words 19,632) by imperfectcircle and raven (singlecrow)

I’m pretty sure this is one of those fandom classics. Based on the amount of comments, it’s pretty well known, but I enjoyed it, so… it’s about Hope as an entity. It’s in the format of Daisy telling Jon a story while the latter is staying at the Scottish Safehouse. The story is from season 1 onward but the framing device is post-MAG 159 pre-MAG 160. It’s got great moments that live in my mind rent free.

john 19:41 (words 1,142) by tkkarno

Set immediately after MAG 160, Jon reflects on his humanity, the loss of it, and the relation of that to Jane Prentiss, and also biblical themes. The title is the bible quote: “Now in the place where he was crucified there was a garden; and in the garden a new sepulchre, wherein was never man yet laid.”

Pretty much exclusively focuses on Jon. Stream of consciousness ramble, yknow.

In this harsh world (words 1,132) by CirrusGrey

This is my favourite of the 40 fics Citrus wrote while s5 was coming out. It’s a conversation after Upton House. It’s titled after a line from Hamlet. Frankly I don’t think I need to say any more.

where there’s a will, we make a way (words 305,816) by bubonickitten

Time travel fix it fic, time travel fix it fic! To be completely honest, I don’t really like time travel fix it fics, but this one is an exception. s5!Jon basically replaces season 4 Jon, and still has issues, and they focus on multiple characters, and there’s so much getting angry at Jonah Magnus — if I’m being honest, sometimes I just read this fic and go through the content warnings to see which chapters probably mention Jonah Magnus and read those, because the handling of Jonah Magnus is like, thank you. I love it.

Focuses on multiple characters, but Jon’s the main character. Also, diverges before MAG 187, and it was being written pre-finale. It’s still ongoing.

rewind. play. eject. (words 39,543) by boredshyandbi

Jon’s stuck in a timeloop of MAG 39, and it’s heartbreaking to see him every time try to fix things, try to save Sasha and Martin and Tim, and there are Lines. There are Lines. That stick out in my brain. Do you think I’m ever going to be okay about paperclips again? No! I’m not. It’s another exception to the time travel fix-it rule, but only because it’s got... a different plot. And it’s just that good.

Countdown to Extinction (words 131,464) by starspangledbread

Another exception! Tbf though, it’s another different one.

First fic isn’t quite monster4monster4monster jongerrymart, but it’s got the Vibes. Jon commits petty crimes and also major crimes like Multiple Kidnappings, uh and then the second fic is just. Wow okay that’s a tonal difference. Dealing with repercussions…

ANYWAY I wholeheartedly recommend both :D

#tma #tma fanfic #fic recs #tma fic #tma fic recs #landscaping your mind chapter one #tma appreciation week #tma appreciation week 2023

[estherdedlock]

Of course, now I can’t stop thinking about where the remains of our Greek class would be today.

The trouble with this exercise is that we’re not sure how old they’d be, because we don’t really know when the events of The Secret History take place. Donna Tartt does a good job of giving us almost no chronological milestones to ground the book in a particular year. Richard is narrating from nine years after Bunny’s death: since TSH was published in 1992, that would put the story’s setting in 1983. But references to certain things in the book would suggest a later time. Richard goes to see a Vietnam War movie starring Charlie Sheen with the fictitious name of Fields of Shame: its real-life counterpart, Platoon, was released in December 1986. Later in the novel, we find mentions of compact discs and laptop computers, which would place the story in the late 1980s or even the early 1990s (part of me thinks that these were editor’s suggestions to make the book feel more up-to-date).

Since Donna Tartt attended Bennington from 1982 to 1986, she would have started her junior year in 1984. Richard transfers to Hampden at the start of his junior year, so I’m going to use that as my benchmark and say that the action of TSH takes place between the fall of 1984 and the spring of 1985. Francis is 21, so he would now be 58. Richard and the Macaulays would be 57.

Francis is the easy one, because Donna Tartt herself told us what became of him. In The Goldfinch, he makes a brief appearance as one of Hobie’s wealthy New York friends/clients. There’s no mention of “Mr. Abernathy” having a wife or children, so we can assume that Priscilla has been out of the picture for quite some time. Francis appears to have a reasonably good life, even if, as Theo Decker says, he seems to have “some ill-articulated scandal or disgrace in his past.” (Such a tease, that Donna Tartt!) This is what Francis was up to in 2013, at least---unless he got very sick or started a relationship with someone, there isn’t any reason to believe that he’d be doing anything different by now. 

Richard, I think, predicted his own future when he was speculating about Henry’s: “I had always pictured Henry teaching Greek, in some forlorn but excellent college out in the Midwest.”

(I’ll briefly pause so we can all recover from the terrifying prospect of having Henry Winter as a college professor.)

Whew, okay. Moving on...

I can’t imagine that Richard would have stayed in California, not when he hated it so much. And yet, I can’t see him returning to New England, or anywhere in the Northeast: too many memories. The Midwest would be a perfect place for Richard to have landed...and for some inexplicable reason, I’m specifically thinking Wisconsin. Of course he’s a professor: his education hasn’t really trained him for anything except academia. But not Greek---English literature. He’s rumpled and tweedy and still rather boyishly good-looking. At least a quarter of his class has a crush on him. He may have been married at some point, but no longer. He doesn’t have any children.

I’m probably getting too Sebastian Flyte-ish with Charles, but I’m sorry to say that I think he’d be dead by now. I think he may have committed suicide, or just let himself decline so far into alcoholism and eventual drug addiction that it was basically a slow suicide. Or it may have been the sort of accident that plagues troubled people: a car wreck, a house fire, a bad fall down the stairs. But then again, you never know. If Charles somehow managed to pull himself back from the brink, I think he’d only have been able to do it with the help of some kind of religion---not because of his substance abuse issues, but because of his guilty conscience. I don’t see him getting deep into Christianity, though, maybe something like Buddhism. Perhaps he’s up in the Himalayas, with a shaved head and orange robes. And there we’ll leave him.

Camilla is a novelist. She would have needed to make money somehow, but I don’t see her doing blue-collar work or embarking on a corporate career (for which she would have had to go back to school, anyway). When we last saw her in TSH, she seemed to have committed herself to taking care of her grandmother and eking out a living on whatever was left of the family money (so Southern Gothic!). That would have given her ample time to write.

Funny thing is, I see her being financially successful but not the sort of writer who’s a  darling of the critics or a household name (she doesn’t write under her own name at all). Maybe she’s had a career like Andrew Neiderman, who’s been writing as “V.C. Andrews” since the real Andrews died more than 30 years ago. Or maybe she reliably churns out cozy mysteries and romances, the kind that you buy at the drugstore, read at the beach, and then leave for someone else at the laundromat. This is by choice: Camilla doesn’t want to be famous. She wants to be comfortable, and left alone. She still owns the family home in Virginia, which she’s beautifully restored, although she doesn’t spend much time there. Mostly, she lives at the beach, where her well-appointed bungalow is peak Coastal Grandmother aesthetic.

She’s not a grandmother, though, or a mother, and has never been anyone’s wife. She is as solitary in her habits as she ever was...no, more so. She takes long walks on the beach, alone. She goes to mass every Sunday and holy day, but never receives Communion. She reads Greek in the evenings, listening to the waves roll in.

She has never stopped loving Henry. 

#the secret history #donna tartt #dark academia #francis abernathy #richard papen #charles macaulay #camilla macaulay #henry winter

[gifted-loser]

The Grief of Having a Trans Child

I am mother to an amazing kid.

Assigned female at birth, but — cheeky as he is in all things — he let me know he doesn’t do assigned seating.

I’ve always been an ally. I’ve always surrounded myself with unique people who are authentically themselves, despite what the majority deems traditional. And though I am a cis woman with what may be deemed a very, um, basic aesthetic, I’ve never held much stock in fitting in.

I pride myself in being a mother who does not live vicariously through her children, or see them as an extension of herself. They’re autonomous human beings who I happened to manufacture, yes. But it’s always been important to me to lay a foundation not rooted in indoctrination, but in strong critical thinking skills.

For example, I haven’t been religious in many years. However, I am from Mississippi, arguably the most religious and ignorant and most definitely poorest state. I did not want to make my children’s mind up about what, if anything, they believed about religion.

I allowed them to attend church with family when THEY wanted to. When they decided they didn’t want to go any longer, I didn’t let anyone force them. I taught them not to make knee-jerk decisions, half-cocked on partial information, but to take in all sides of any argument and use logic to make up their own minds.

And damn, I did a great job because I can hardly win an argument anymore.

My long-winded point here is: it may surprise a lot of people to know how grief-stricken and conflicted I felt when my child came out to me as trans.

As an ally, I’d never had a fraction of negative emotion concerning anyone else’s preferences. You may wonder why, then — if I was truly an ally and as open as I claim — would I feel anything but happiness for my baby becoming who they were meant to be?

And this is the part that I think people should hear that I’m not seeing often made clear from a parent’s perspective. This is because, at first glance, it may appear transphobic in nature. In my case (I’m not saying every case), it’s much more complex.

So why would a non-transphobic, LGBTQ ally parent have such an adverse and upset reaction to learning their child is trans?

Explaining to the best of my ability, first and foremost I was hurt because I realized my child was hurting.

That this body — the body I made with my body, the body I rocked and held and dressed and kissed its fat cheeks — was so perfect to me.

Yet, to my child who means the world to me, this body caused grief. This body caused heartache and dysphoria and even suicide ideation.

Intellectually, I knew this had less than nothing to do with me. But emotionally, I was distressed.

Is this my fault, that my child hates their body? Did I fail to give my child confidence to love themself? Did I not instill enough body positivity, or possibly did I complain about my own form too often, causing my baby to question theirs?

How could my child hate what I thought so amazing and perfect, and what could I have done to make my baby love themself as I had always loved them?

It wasn’t just about the fact that I’d always seen perfection there; it was the pain and turmoil that my kid not only didn’t see perfection, but literally saw their physical body as their biggest obstacle in life.

It was the pain the body caused them, that also pained me.

Honestly, it still does.

The second wave of grief came not from what was, but what would never be.

All those images in my head of what our relationship would look like. Prom dresses and manicures and wedding gowns. If I’m being honest and had been paying attention, I’d have known none of those things were going to happen — not in that cookie-cutter way — regardless.

This grief was much easier for me to get over. This year I helped him dress in his matching white tux to go with his boyfriend to prom, and I bawled my eyes out. Not out of sadness, but with happiness that he was so happy, and because he is so freaking cute.

Now, I’m left with the third wave of sadness and grief. And it all stems from the fact that there’s a great big world out there that I can’t fix for him.

He’s in danger just by walking down the street. He’s in danger just by existing. And I live with the fear that some horrible person will attempt to end my child’s life out of ignorance and hatred. Someone who doesn’t know or doesn’t care that his favorite thing in the world is kittens. Or that he makes sure his little sister gets on and off the bus safely every day, even though he pretends he can’t stand her. Or that even though he calls me by my first name to his friends, when no one is listening he still calls me Momma.

Given the murky political waters of late, that fear isn’t going away anytime soon. It is growing.

So I hope sharing my own struggles with a child coming out as trans may help other parents in similar situations understand they’re not alone. It’s okay to have complex and even mixed, conflicting emotions to sort through. It is a process. For them, and for us.

And I hope any trans person struggling with understanding their parents’ feelings may benefit. Because not everyone will deal with difficult emotions the same. It may look like grief; it may look like denial, or even rage. But it also may help to know that sometimes those ugly emotions stem from softer ones. Not everyone is able to articulate or manage such a tidal wave of intense, deeply personal emotions.

You are worthy.

You shouldn’t have to deal with disrespect or rejection of your true self. That’s not okay. But if your parents love YOU, not their idea of who you SHOULD be, but YOU — don’t give up. They may need more time than you thought, but true love always wins.

As for myself, I’m an imperfect person just trying to do the best I can, like the rest. I don’t always get it right, and I have and will most likely fail my children again at some point — not intentionally, but because that’s the nature of being human. We’re prone to errors and mistakes. None of us, no matter how well-intended, are spared from that singular truth.

However, for anyone struggling with an unsupportive family, country, world — I want to let you know that YOU ARE WORTHY. And just like MY SON is still perfect, so are YOU. ❤

#transgender #lbtqia #lbtgq #writers on tumblr #writers and poets #parenting

[goblins-riddles-or-frocks]

"He has never done anything wrong" is simply false. Just because his actions have reasonings and actually understandable intentions along with more personal and evil ones doesn't absolve him of his actions. The whole thing with that darkling guy was that he had no intentions except evil ones and that is the guy with more nuance? don't make me laugh. its not just about morality, even the worst to worst characters need to have more motivations than power and revenge on repeat.

I think you might want to reread what I said and try again:

I really wouldn’t call Grim (lame ass name ugh) a villain in like how the plot trajectory goes. Like Aster kept calling him a villain in her promo stuff but he… doesn’t do anything to narratively justify that. There’s a big third act betrayal (that makes ZERO SENSE) so he is like objectively fucking awful but he’s also not really framed as such. Like I’m fully waiting for Nightbane to be like “no actually he’s never done anything wrong in his life, in fact he single handedly invented feminism” à la ACOMAF

Anyway, I really should not indulge this anon further, as hilarious as this is. But for general context, one big twist in Lightlark is that pre canon Grim (the Rhysand/obligatory morally grey love interest with the exact same description in every romantasy ever) was convinced that the only way to win their stupid ass tournament thing is for the protagonist Isla to fall in love with Oro (Tamlin). But oh teh noes Isla already loved him! So his plan, framed as a huge sacrifice, was to… wipe all of her memories of him and their relationship without consulting her about it… so that uh.. hopefully? maybe? she’ll fall in love with Oro when the tournament begins. It’s just so precarious and flimsy to begin with!

Meanwhile he completely undercuts his own goals by showing up and immediately diving into terrible banter with her. And taking her out on a date through not!Velaris and randomly… hand feeding her chocolate. The entire book is just cartoonish but he basically takes every single opportunity to flirt with her and there’s at least one make out scene randomly set in an abbey (there is zero established religion in this book!!!!!) that I am glad to have mostly blocked out of my memory. Like he is NOT doing anything to further his own goals of pushing Isla towards Oro.

Isla ends the first book (lmao understandably) furious with Grim and randomly deciding she’s in love with Oro. But the narrative framing is obviously one where Grim made a tragic mistake and/or that his actions are justified if misguided. He’s just so blatantly a Rhysand! I haven’t read the sequel yet but just from the sheer ACOTAR of it all, I’m certain the second book is going to be speedrunning the ACOMAF trajectory where the narrative justifies all of his actions and conveniently forgets anything wrong he may have done.

He’s frankly barely a character, he’s just speedrunning Rhysand tropes. His motivations make no sense and his reasoning is so bizarre! The reason I was saying making him more evil could be more interesting is that, in the completely alien other world where Lightlark is remotely competently written, a scenario that acknowledges what an insane violation it is to like unilaterally decide all this for someone he supposedly loves could be genuinely compelling. If it’s acknowledged as cruelty and having no consideration for the protagonist’s desires and ability to make choices for herself. Also like damn literally all his screen time is just shitty banter and embarrassing angsting about being a monster like please just give me some variety— let alone actual genuine character work.

I don’t even like Rhysand. But his trajectory from ACOTAR to ACOMAF is at least appropriately drawn out. He’s actually framed as genuinely antagonistic and dangerous on introduction, and the points where he does help Feyre in the first book do a good job of very gradually shifting her perspective on him. And when she hates him the narrative at least mostly tries to lean into it. I already felt like ACOMAF was too annoying with its banter and the obvious foregone conclusion of their romance from very early on, where the reader isn’t allowed to come to their own opinions about him. But it’s way more competently done than anything in Lightlark. The relationship has way more time to breathe.

The Darkling meanwhile is a traditional villain who masquerades as the morally ambiguous sad boy love interest for like half of the first book. (But his fandom has never been able to let go of that initial framing rip). His motivations are pretty simple— at the heart of it, he just wants control. There’s depth to how he tries to achieve it. How he tries to present his motivations as much more reasonable and just than they are. He often undercuts himself too, but it comes from a point of deliberate characterization. His arc is one where he’s spiraling due to his waning control of the situation— and the protagonist— and becoming far more volatile and vicious for it. He’s horrible, but like that’s the point lmao

#this is soooo funny #unfortunately I’m too opinionated to not take this chance to talk characterization #a mysterious stranger has appeared #all the bendy punctuations #i ramble sometimes #grishaverse #acotar #lightlark #book talk

[majorbaby]

Can you elaborate on your personal gripes for how mulcahy is used in the narrative? I have seen people talking about not liking him but I think it was more disliking him as a guy, so I would like to hear your thoughts

okay well, first i'd just like to say that nobody is a bad person for liking mulcahy and i have less of an issue with HIM as a guy (his thoughts, feelings, wishes, his favourite colour, his favourite food, his relationships with others) as i have with how he is positioned by the narrative. you seem to get this, but i still want to make it clear. if anything i'm all for mulcahy getting it on with whoever because it would undermine his vocation as a celibate priest.

long explanation under the cut but TL;DR: mulcahy is positioned as being a morally upright person. this is dangerous because apart from his being a character on the show, he is also representative of the catholic church. moreover, positioning the church this way severely undermines the show's central, anti-establishment, anti-war messaging.

there's lots to love about MASH, but the way it deals with religion and the church is a major weakness. the show wants me to accept that patriarchy, militarism, imperialism, social conservatism are bad, but draws the line at critiquing religion, by positioning its chief representative in positive light. it's a big oversight.

let me try this a new way compared to how i've done it in the past and start with the military:

fuck the military, right? we agree that it is bad? and we agree that MASH came out swinging against the army and that that is part of the central messaging of the show? and we agree that one of the best things about MASH is that it took such a hard line against the military? cool.

why do we hate the military? it's violent, it's paternalistic, it eats up public money that could otherwise be spent on making peoples lives better, it influences public policy in a negative way, it's hostile to equity-seeking people (racialized people, lgbtq+ people, women, people with mental and physical disabilities), it is also hostile to even the most privileged in our society. MASH specifically took aim at the draft, which still functionally exists in US law.

basically, it is overwhelmingly oppressive and does far more harm than good, if you can even make a case for what good it does.

the catholic church is bad for all the same reasons. most catholics are born into the church, assigned catholic at baptism, which occurs when you are a baby and which cannot consent to. its ranks are overwhelmingly male and priests are literally called "Fathers".

your mileage may vary when it comes to the separation of church and state but...

where i live, the catholic school system is funded by tax dollars - technically any child can attend a catholic school even if they aren't catholic, but say, idk, want some free indoctrination. but you must be catholic to teach in catholic schools, so half of all these 'public service jobs' which are unionized, pay well and difficult to secure are only available to catholics. you can go to catholic school yet grow up and be unable to teach in one, like, currently, in 2023, in Canada which has some fucking nerve to be still upholding this archaic system. people aren't born pro-life or homophobic or believing that sex should be between a man and a woman and purely for procreation, or that masturbation is a sin... these are all things we see in policy, in education, in medicine, in media, as a result of the influence of christianity. what flavour of christanity varies based on where you live but in many instances, it's catholicism. you could extend some of these critiques to organized religion in general but i'm not doing that right now because mulcahy is catholic specifically.

like... purity culture didn't just pop out of nowhere. you may not be christian but sex shaming and the elevated ideal of marriage and the gender binary and the idea that we need to be 'civilized' in a certain way are all christian values that were spread violently across the globe, often hand-in-hand with military exploits. not only are the military and the church similar, they're often indistinguishable and they very much need one another.

MASH was trying very hard to say, originally at least, that there are no good military brass. even henry gets the piss taken out of him whenever he tries to be a 'colonel' to hawkeye and trapper. so why henry, and not mulcahy? (also why not potter but like, that was a different era and potter is a character i actually do proper hate)

if there can be no good army officers, then there can be no good priests. and mulcahy was both.

#mash #mulcahy meta #re: mash #replies

[bluesnow21]

I hated “The Midnight Mass” Go watch “The Midnight Gospel” Instead

“Even though Midnight Mass does still contain plenty of overt horror elements, I think the series actually pushes Flanagan quite far outside the horror genre. If anything, I felt baited by this story, which plays within the modern horror sandbox while undercutting much of the ethos of modern horror via its embrace of Christianity as a source of hope and nourishment for lost souls facing an incomprehensible crisis. Many critics have found that to be a good thing, praising the series’ emphasis on the less sordid aspects of horror. Yet while Flanagan has every right to keep writing relentlessly hopeful stories, for horror fans like me, the effect of his optimism is frustration over feeling shunned as a non-believer — by the very genre that usually protects non-believers from feeling shunned.” 

“Flanagan uses the plot of Midnight Mass as an allegorical stand-in for a broad range of extreme conservative reactions to the pandemic. On that theme, the series’ scathing reproach of Christianity’s enablement of hysteria, apocalypse mania, and survivalist extremism couldn’t be clearer. But if Flanagan wanted to condemn religious zeal more generally, he failed.” 

“Midnight Mass makes several attempts to critique organized religion, yet the impression it leaves is that faith in God, and explicitly Christian faith in particular, is the ultimate pandemic comfort. The series almost entirely erases atheists, agnostics, and people of other religions by emphasizing its Christian worldview. “I choose God,” Hassan’s rebellious teen son, Ali, declares when he joins Paul and Bev’s new cult, as if he had not grown up worshipping God as part of his Muslim upbringing. The narrative wants to portray his choice as entirely wrong-headed, and he is quickly shown to regret his decision, but when most of the series’ other “good” characters are also making choices based on their proud faith in the Christian version of God, the implied falseness of Ali’s choice doesn’t sink in.”

“There’s plenty of room here for homages to movies about religious doubt such as Winter Light and First Reformed, but apart from Riley being a lapsed Catholic, dragged back to church at his parents’ insistence, Flanagan barely touches on religious doubt at all. Instead, he repeatedly places such an excruciating emphasis on faith in the divine as a form of ultimate reassurance — explicitly a Christian faith above all else — that Midnight Mass becomes a homily. Multiple long sequences where the whole town gets together to sing Christian hymns seem to serve no narrative purpose except to remind us how comforting God’s presence is and that worship is beautiful. While there’s a climactic effort to enfold atheism and agnosticism into a revised definition of “god,” similar in spirit to Angels in America’s famous ozone monologue, it comes far too late to shake the series’ Christian-centered worldview.” 

^^ So: This Up Top. ^^

I’m an atheist, even before I wasn’t an atheist, I self-identified privately as a Deist from high school and then after college started privately self-identifying more and more as an atheist (I’m still very much in the closet about it). My gf is a very secular Muslim (does not practice at all).  We both found the show’s heavily Christian overtones and erasure of both of us to be both incredibly offensive, and at the same time horror taking a back-seat to portray mainstream Christianity’s most toxic ideas was super off-putting and we ultimately couldn’t finish this show.  Between the islamophobia (more like hey we’ll just hate him because he’s Muslim), and the atheist ~actually telling someone what happens when you fucking die~ being casually brushed off by a belief in the afterlife because of some “supernatural-ish creature” and a whole town being brainwashed by a cult: It could’ve been handled better and it just wasn’t.  The writer does a far better job stating this, and I encourage you to read the full article, but this really isn’t Flanagan’s best work. 

We didn’t need this, we needed something better.

Source Article: 

#Midnight Mass #mike flanagan #mikeflanaganuniverse #islamophobia #erasure #atheism #toxic christianity #the midnight gospel #horror

[thebattlelost]

With the world these days being such

a mess caused by wars and religion and

politics on the news on every channel

on our television sets and Covid19 and

all the human born viruses causing

humans instead of becoming closer

to each other to stand six feet back

from one another instead we have

mistrust, fear, anxiety and so much

stress along with our relatively short

history on this earth coming back

from our ignorant past to always

bite us in the ass that for some reason

we cannot just learn from any of those

mistakes like racism anti-semitism

addiction to anything come on people

can’t we just get along and move forward

with our lives according to humanity

get a better picture for our future not

hit rewind and live it over and over yes

it’s a different time not the same people

but it is the same actions may be

called something different but it’s not

so we instead live in a sort of time loop

of horror destruction and more so I

guess we find it hard to be thankful

of anything at all in our lives so instead of

always being focused on all the darkness

and negativity let step into the light

and be thankful for the good in our

lives for instance I am thankful most

the time that I am still alive and getting

better every day I am thankful for

the family I still have left that I talk

to still anyway

I am thankful that my Mom and Dad

are still here and married for fifty

eight years

I am thankful to have a job and a car

and a roof over my head

I am

thankful that all my boys are doing well

I am thankful that God has given me

the words to write what I feel

I am thankful for all the people that

are in my life either still or in the past

I am thankful for being born an

American that knows we will rise again

I am thankful for all the people that

read what I write

I am thankful for a lot more things people

and places but lets just say

I am thankful

for everything

I am thankful for and last but not least

I am thankful for being me and even

though I may not like myself all

the time I will always love myself

because God loves me too and He

loves all of you too, well most of you

anyways Have a Happy Thanksgiving

if you can and please remember all the cats dogs with nowhere

to go and

all the homeless with no homes and

the poor who did not ask to be born

and to all the Men and Woman serving

our country protecting you and me who

cannot make it home for the holidays

and the addicts who are lost in

there addiction trying to find away

out of the nightmare they are living

and one last thing let the hate go

away so that love has a chance

and just Smile everywhere you go

its contagious so spread the love.

Poet Richard M Knittle Jr.

A Poet’s Journey

#poets #poetry #knittle #poem #heart #soul #love #addiction

[autumnhobbit]

Hi! I was hoping you could talk more about not having friends (at least those around your age), like the reasons behind it and how its impacted you? I'm asking because I get it all too well! My three closest---and, let's be real, ONLY---friends are women I met decades ago, and none of them live within two hours of me so I hardly ever see them at all. Plus, they have lives of their own, and a lot of our friendship is based more on habit and history than anything we share in the present, you know?

Well, I actually did have a decent group of friends in high school, & growing up I felt like I had a lot of friends because you know how it is when you’re a kid, you see somebody and find them interesting, they’re your friend, you both like the color yellow? You’re friends now. But it feels kind of surreal sometimes to think about the fact that I had a friend group in high school because I see myself as such a loner/so fundamentally unlikeable that it kind of doesn’t make sense that I had several friends who I knew from other people did genuinely like hanging out with me.

I’m sure people would like to blame my being homeschooled but frankly I think I had maybe too much unencumbered social interaction as a homeschooled kid, if anything I think the way it was treated was more, hey, the other kids are the same religion as you and are also homeschooled so do whatever there’s no problems. I still dealt with bullying, I’m sure I to some extent bullied others myself. I grew up in a pretty tight-knit homeschool group that had its own dramas and messes and when the official ‘group’ fell apart we still all hung out and went to each others sacraments and such. Anyway, the reason I think it’s relevant to mention is because basically every friendship I had was from this group.

I had one girl I considered my best friend growing up because we had known each other literally our whole lives and we were both the oldest girls in our family, and as previously mentioned were both Catholic & homeschooled. And I was way invested in it. Like, we were gonna be in each other’s weddings type stuff. And I always assumed we’d stay friends. But when we got to being around teenaged she got way big into school (her parents made all the kids get into college early and take dual enrollment/sign up for every scholarship & award) and they never had time to hang out. And even when we did, I was finding that I had different ideas about what I wanted in my life, and she couldn’t understand that & also couldn’t accept it. I feel now that I was somewhat defensive since my viewpoint was so hated in the for some reason weirdly obsessive white-collar community that was the homeschool group, but I would have been accepting of her plans and choices if she had been accepting of mine. But eventually I got tired of always being criticized and beat over the head with my ‘wrong’ decisions and I just stopped initiating, and as soon as I did it was like. Radio silence. Once in a while she’d still talk to me if we were in the same place (some of our siblings are still friends), if she wasn’t busy with her boyfriend. And then she didn’t talk to me at all, and she moved and we haven’t spoken since.

I had other friends in high school, but one by one everybody else moved and got married and started their lives, and I just couldn’t. I was stuck at home with my abusive dad messing all my attempts at independence up and I had no job prospects & didn’t want to go to college. Nowhere to go, nothing to look forward to.

Looking back, I acknowledge part of it was my fault, because I’m one of those people who just assumes that if you want to talk to me you will, and if you don’t talk to me it’s just because you don’t want to. Some people stayed in contact when they left and are still friends with them today. But I didn’t have the capacity to reach out at the time, if it had even occurred to me, so I just let things die. Now I know that from their end it must have looked like I didn’t care too much about them, either, so of course they didn’t talk to me. It’s something I regret, but can’t change now. My problem isn’t lack of caring about people, it’s lack of knowing what my place in anyone’s life is. And I’m still not great at that, tbh. If somebody says ‘we should get together sometime’ I don’t know whether to push for it, even if I miss the person and want to see them too, and so things just slide and before you know it I haven’t seen someone in seven years.

Nowadays I just genuinely don’t know many people my age, and I don’t see them, even. My assumption is people my age are either busting their asses working, in graduate school, already have kids, or what have you, and none of us have the time or energy for others who aren’t in our lane already. Zach’s the first friend I’ve made in a long time, and I probably wouldn’t have if he hadn’t initiated because he saw & was interested in me. And it’s a source of stress for me, because at the same time that I have so much baggage with friendships and feel really jaded and lonely like I’m just not worth being friends with or other people aren’t worth my effort for nothing, I believe friendship is worthwhile and sacred and important and that cultivating them are incredibly important life skills, but I just. Don’t have it in me to do it, and it really feels pointless and hopeless to me. I have some great internet friends, but you can’t at the drop of a hat go antiquing, or go try that new ice cream place, or go to a movie or go to the park, or take a walk or do housework, or any of the millions of things I’d like to share with people. Mostly, I just miss talking. You can’t have the same sorts of conversations with older adults you can have with someone your age who’s going through the same things you are. I have no one to tell when I got my dream job, or promoted. I’ll probably have no one to tell when I finally get a house or a dog, or have a kid, or write a book, or any of those things. And I know I need to change it before it’s too late but I just can’t find the drive to when I’m still so effed up from the last time.

I wish this were more positive or had some sort of ‘but,’ but right now, for me, it doesn’t. I pray sometimes, when I think of it, for God to help me find a good friend, or maybe someone who needs a good friend, and to recognize it and jump on it when I see it. But so far it seems like that’s just not something I can have for right now.

#personal #i’m sorry this is so long but i’m genuinely fucked up on this topic lol #hopefully no one i know sees this #i don’t know if this is helpful at all but it’s the truth so maybe someone will at least not feel like they’re #particularly diseased in this way like i do

[sanchezpoetry]

ð Ecclesiastes

     It’s no secret that I have a deep running hatred for religion. Specifically, Pentecostal Christianity. So much repression and self-disdain was caused by the zealot-minded teachings of this sect. Honestly, referring to it as a cult would be vastly more accurate.  

    But even so, I cannot deny that there were some things that I learned from it that stick with me to this day. The relevance of love, compassion, unity, selflessness, kindness, etc. You reap what you sow, which is essentially karma. That there is a time and place for everything. But there is one mindset that I hold near and dearly to my heart. The mindset of passion.

    One book in the bible particularly hit me hard when I read it as a teenager, and I would dare say it shaped my young self in a way that helped me become who I am.  “Whatever your hands find to do, do with all your heart.” – Ecclesiastes 9:10 was a heavy quote that is burned into my head. I think I read a different translation that replaced might with heart, or I may be remembering it differently. But I digress.

     I’m a pathetically sensitive person, but with that sensitivity comes passion. All of my hobbies, I do with intense love and passion. When I was a musician, my guitar was my voice. I practiced for hours a day to make my performances near immaculate. When I competed in wrestling, I drove my body beyond its limits. Wrestling was my life. When I train, I like to train until my body is screaming. When I write, I try to put my heart onto the paper. My poetry is a window into the depths of my soul. When I dive into a subject, I make every effort to understand every little thing about it. I dive deep into anything I am involved in, almost dangerously so. It’s possible that my addictive personality is a symptom of this. Even at whatever job I work, I make every attempt to be great at it. Whether it was manual labor, tech work, being a Marine, or getting my degree.

    When I love, I love with all my heart. When I hate, I hate with every fiber of my being. My sadness feels like a bottomless pit of constant despair, my anger an all-consuming fire that makes my mind blank. It is such an intense way of living, doing everything with all of your heart. It makes the good feel great. But the failures feel so very awful. Such a curse and a blessing, living with an intense sensitivity, that the smallest heights feel like you’re soaring in the sky, and the smallest of trenches feel like the never-ending pits of hell. Choosing to do everything with all of your heart, making every little win a triumphant victory, and every mistake a harrowing defeat.

    But as king Solomon wrote. It’s all pointless. Chasing after the wind. 

#prose #thoughts #rant #Christianity #pentacostal #Religion #passion #love #hate #BPD #addiction #philosophy #wisdom #quotes #bible #the bible