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heavenlydevine · 2 years

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THINGS NOT TO SAY TO A PERSON DEALING WITH DEPRESSION:

NOTE: If you have never suffered from mental illness, it may be difficult for you to completely understand what it is like. It cannot just magically go away. So instead of blurting out what seems like rational advice to someone with depression, try to take a moment to consider the depths of their despair and the effects of your speech. Words have power.

SHARE AND REBLOG. THIS MIGHT HELP SOMEONE OUT THERE.

↠ Cheer up, it isn't the end of the world. No, it isn't but it certainly feels like it. Having depression is different than having a bad day. We can all bounce back from a bad day. A person with depression may need treatment for weeks, months, or years before they feel well again. Do not make light of a serious affliction. You have absolutely no idea, unless you've been through something similar, how much harm those words can cause.

↠You'll get over it. No, it isn't that simple. Depression feels relentless and never-ending. When you do your best to plaster on a smile and pretend everything in your life isn't falling apart, bit by bit, then it will most certainly not feel like you'll ever get over it. Some people just can't heal.

↠What do you have to be depressed about? A person might have a terrific job, a nice home, a beautiful family, and many friends. I for one, have a beautiful family. I have a beautiful little girl who keeps me in place, but even then, when people tell me constantly that I have nothing to be depressed about, is to ask them if they could walk in my shoes, knowing what I've went through, and still come out 100% fine in the end? Just because things seem terrific on the surface of their life, does not mean that they are not hurting. Open your mind to the possibility that everything is not as rosy as it seems.

↠Stop being so dramatic. In truth, the behavior of a depressed person might not even begin to reveal the extent of pain that they are suffering, so don't judge someone when they finally break down and give insight to what's been bothering them. There is no set of rules for how a person should behave when they are consumed with sorrow. I deal with it in three stages: denial that it's real, anger that I can't make it go away, and then a haunting truth that something is wrong, yet instead of talking about it, I hide. Because too many times has someone told me that I'm being dramatic. Instead of judging their behavior, realize that mental illness is a ruthless and formidable opponent. Have compassion.

↠It's all in your head. This one, this simple little sentence has such a big impact on someone struggling with depression. Yes, it is. It's a mental illness. And the mind is jus as important as the rest of the body is. Imagine being trapped in your own mind, constantly being plagued with sinister thoughts of unworthiness. Whether tomorrow actually comes, whether it would be worth it. Try being trapped in a cage, wishing for a glimpse of freedom, only to throw away the key because you'd rather deal with your own thoughts and emotions than lay them out in the open, waiting for someone to understand.

↠You don't look depressed. Oh, I'm sorry. What does depression look like? What am I supposed to look like? While it is true that some people stop caring for themselves physically due to serious depression, it is also true that people can appear completely healthy. Depression affects people differently. People with depression can sometimes function in a seemingly normal way. They might take care of themselves, go to work, and even smile or laugh. This does not mean that they are not experiencing internal anguish.

↠Snap out of it. Oh, if we they could. Do not make the mistake of thinking that a person can simply choose to turn off their depression. We can't pull off a Damon Salvatore from the Vampire Diaries and switch it off. This is reality. If they could, they would. Nobody wants to feel the debilitating sorrow that accompanies depression. It is not a pleasant feeling. It may take counseling, medication, and months of healing before a depressed person feels relief. Instead of suggesting that they turn it off, let them know that you understand that they do not have this power. Understanding is a rare gift to someone who is struggling.

↠It could be worse. Depression skews a person's world view. Logically, they know that things could be worse. They could be suffering torture or enduring homelessness. However, when people are depressed, knowing that it could be worse does nothing to ease their pain. Their mind can be consumed by thoughts of loneliness, being misunderstood, and unimaginable emotional turmoil. These feelings can make a person physically ill. Highlighting the fact that people are starving in foreign countries will do nothing to soothe the pain of someone with depression. Instead, be sure they know that you take their suffering seriously.

↠Don't be selfish. Those with depression may seem like they are only focused on themselves. The truth is that depression can consume a person's thoughts and actions. When people are overtaken by feelings of hopelessness, it is difficult for them to see beyond their own pain. This does not make them selfish. It makes them hurting human beings. By calling them selfish, you are adding to the guilt and shame that accompany feelings of worthlessness and isolation. Instead, suggest that they take care of themselves. Offer to give them a break by babysitting for them or bringing them groceries. Help them practice self-care, such as getting a massage or meeting with a therapist.

↠You think you have it bad. Do not minimize the pain someone is going through by suggesting that you have it worse than they do. You cannot possibly know what is going on inside someone else's mind. By stating that you somehow have it worse than they do, you are completely devaluing the seriousness of their condition. Instead, tell them that you cannot begin to imagine what they are going through - which is, in fact, true. Just be there for them and listen. People with depression do not expect you to solve their problems. They just want to be heard and understood.

It's difficult to explain depression to someone who hasn't, or still is, experiencing it themselves. You get days where you can barely see the sun shine, and then days where it feels like you just can't anymore.

Depression kills things slowly. You can't see it, but it's there. All around is. It isn't nice to judge someone—especially when you have no idea what they've been through, or is going through.

So when someone tells you that they are in a dark place, or whether they feel lost, or find themselves in a constant loop that seems never ending, try to be more understanding. It takes a lot out of a person to let go.

Be kind.

If you are dealing with depression, or know of someone going through a rough time, please reach out. It never hurts to check up.

Because the haunting truth is the little old saying, you'll never know until its too late.

MY DMS ARE ALWAYS OPEN.

#Depression #BeKind #Quotes #LifeTips #Happiness #Despair #Suicide Prevention

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iamfindingkatie · 11 months

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**Trigger warning** My experience with suicide.

Liver failure, heartache, and the constant reminder that you know you are better than that (suicide)is what I got out of my suicide attempt almost 17 years ago.

There was that moment of despair, that telling moment when giving up just seemed the likely solution because if my life was like that then, it would not get any better ever. My mind was more concerned with the boys I could manipulate, the drugs I could acquire, and keeping the love of my life on lock-down even if triangles and rectangles were made frequently involving people. Yes, that’s right. At the peak of my addiction, no one could ever make me feel small. I felt needed, I had tons of fun and friends, and I was cute. I was completely volatile - everything about my life was incredibly rough UNDER the surface. No one ever saw me completely fall apart and I liked it that way.

In a weird sense, my train wreck of a life needed to happen. My karma came full circle. Told ya. There was a boyfriend, an ex and his girlfriend and well….I was high. Like, at the height of one of the roughest addictions I had to face full on and stop (cocaine) I was putting nearly a quarter up my nose every day. I would have died. Eventually, I would have died and everyone would be shocked so….I did what any rational person would do. I overreacted about a situation that should have never happened in the first place. Drugs. You do so many stupid things….I was upset. Super upset because my world felt like it was crashing down. Everything was going to be lost and I had had enough.

19 tylenol extra strength pms and almost 24 hours later, my sister contacts poison control and I have no choice but to go to the Emergency Room and be evaluated. Acute Liver Failure. Nasty meds and “sitters” at me 24/7. All for what? I wanted to go to sleep? I just figured why the fuck not, hard stop here please? All because I made the wrong choices I was ready to end it before the actual drug that wanted to do me in. And before anyone even points anything out….yes, my stabbing came after the cocaine and proceeded to contribute to an awful opioid addiction which I survived as well. The best thing the government did was start making it harder for people to get those pain pills!

Every single day there is a journey I travel because I have to fight to make the right choices and keep my mind intact to make sure I do the right things. Mental health and suffering, writing it off as it’ll get better, and even refusing treatment really does cause so much havoc and destruction to everyone around you. I was done and tried. Guess what I got now? That ugly scar on my arm and the lessons on how not to live your best life. Everything you can do to make sure that you are a decent contributing member of society should be done. Do not fight it or self medicate. The demons will always be there, you just gotta look a little deeper to make sure you are indeed thriving and maintaining, and not just going through the motions and giving up when it gets too hard. Medicine does not fix everything and you really have got to want to be better in order to succeed. That's the most important part about all of this. Everything is up to YOU and how you handle things. Be better for YOU because you deserve the best version of life that there is full of peace and good vibes.

You can connect with me on FB on my page. I’ll always do my best to be a bright light for someone because my sister made sure I was lit up as bright as can be for you all.

Embrace Your Journey

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mightyishisname · 1 year

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The Weakest chains, The mightiest God

IMPORTANT READ Some of you were locked in a dark cell, cruelly confined behind bars, punished for denying God's word for turning your back on the high God's counsel - A hard sentance, and your hearts so heavy, and not a soul in sight to help. Then you called out to God in your desperate condition; he got you out in the nick of time. He led you out of your dark, dark cell, broke open the jail and led you out. So thank God for his Marvelous love; for his miracle mercy to the children he loves; He shattered the heavy jailhouse doors, he snapped the prison bars like matchsticks! PSLAM 107 17-22 MSG

God doesent want you to suffer in your cell with whatever that cell may be filled with for he loves everyone, believer, or non believer. Whether it be depression, anxiety, lust, addiction, pride, death, mental health, physical pain, spiritual battles. Whatever it is you may be going through, it's okay to turn to God in your times of despair and use him as your last resort because it was in those times of desperation that God reveals himself to the unsaved the most. When I was an addict , I knew about God but I never followed him, I went astray and denied him, many upon many times. The devil confirmed his identity within me and I just went along with it, thinking about how I was better then everyone else for being who I've become in the enemy. But God had a different plan for me. One night in my jail cell, I knew the odds were not good on getting out spiritually or physically from either cell. But God had the upper hand over satan and came rushing to me, he sat with me, wrapped what felt exactly like real human arms around me as I sat there weeping with my hands in my face. I could feel the care, the love, the compassion, and mainly the spirit FLOW throughout my entire body. I immediately stopped crying , repented, asked for him to come into my heart again and got up onto my feet and began singing hymns and praise and reciting old scripture I had forgot I memorized before my addiction started. It was all coming back, he was back. And the enemy had no control anymore. When I should have stayed for a week and then shipped off to who knows where , the very next day, i was released and set free. Friends, it doesent take much to be saved ,all we need to do is simple. Call, or cry out to Jesus; repent, confess, and ask him into your heart so that you in christ are set free. If you have been hurt in the past by false faith from religion, or that your family has forced you into a what seemed like the dark side of Christianity, I understand and so does God. But know that Christianity isn't religion, HE TRAMPLES RELIGION/SATAN UNDER HIS MIGHTY FEET and wants to have a relationship with you. There has been many times I thought I can do life on my own and then failure after failure occurs, depression kicks in, anxiety rapidly flood my lungs. The lust for having someone in bed with me heightens, the pain of this world falls on my shoulders and I become like frodo carrying the ring in mordor.

We Don't have to live this way friends, it is up to us to throw away our past or things or people who have deeply hurt us and damaged our mindset on faith and Christianity, and take up our own cross . Wouldent you much rather carry your own cross through this life, knowing trials will be ahead but that God is with you forever and ever and then celebrate with him etenally in heaven? Or would you rather party and drink and manifest demons within you and destroy everything God has made you to be in this life, only to spend eternity with the enemy in a place that has no breath, no food, no salvation, no love, and just pure tormentation. The choice is your friends. What will you decide?

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ashesandhackles · 3 years

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Gentleman Monster: How Remus's Marginalisation and Comparitive Privilege Made Who He Is

(brought to you by @thecat-isblogging-blog and me)

Marginalised and subjucated groups in the Wizarding world have largely very different response to their status. It is most often, anger. We see it multiple times with goblins:

Griphook gave a nasty laugh.

"But it is, it is precisely that! As the Dark Lord becomes ever more powerful, your race is set still more firmly above mine! Gringotts falls under Wizarding rule, house-elves are slaughtered, and who amongst the wand-carriers protests?"

In werewolves:

"I cannot pretend that my particular brand of reasoned argument is making much headway against Greyback's insistence that we werewolves deserve blood, that we ought to revenge ourselves on normal people."

Despair, in house elves:

"Ah, if Harry Potter only knew!" Dobby groaned, more tears dripping onto his ragged pillowcase. "If he knew what he means to us, to the lowly, the enslaved, we dregs of the magical world! Dobby remembers how it was when He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named was at the height of his powers, sir! We house-elves were treated like vermin, sir! Of course, Dobby is still treated like that, sir," he admitted, drying his face on the pillowcase.

Remus's position is interesting, in that he is both exposed to the bigotry his kind is subjected but is also in large parts, protected from it. Here is a piece of dialogue Cat brought to our attention:

'I'm sure they'd never go over to You-Know-Who,' said Mr. Weasley, shaking his head. 'They've suffered losses too; remember that goblin family he murdered last time, somewhere near Nottingham?'

'I think it depends what they're offered,' said Lupin. 'And I'm not talking about gold. If they're offered the freedoms we've been denying them for centuries they're going to be tempted. Have you still not had any luck with Ragnok, Bill?'

Remus uses the word 'we', when in fact, he himself has been oppressed by the wizarding community. He doesn't say 'the wizarding world', he puts himself in the focus even when he isn't part of the problem when it comes to being the oppressor.

Remus sees himself as an oppressor because he is human, but he also sees himself as a monster because of his lycanthropy.

This dual identity is further embodied by how he refers to himself in Deathly Hallows:

"You have only ever seen me amongst the Order, or under Dumbledore's protection at Hogwarts! You don't know how most of the Wizarding world sees creatures like me! When they know of my affliction, they can barely talk to me! Don't you see what I've done?"

When Remus is being distant from the issue at hand, an outsider looking in - he identifies as a "human" and clubs himself among the oppressor, however, the more anguished or emotional he gets, he gets closer to his emotional truth: "creature". Remus has two fractured identities that he constantly moves in between.

His comparitive privilege from rest of the werewolves who are shunned from society, who live on margins, stealing and killing to eat, is due to his association with Dumbledore and the Marauders.

In his anguish in DH, he tells Harry and his friends that their view of him is highly coloured by Dumbledore's protection, who gave him both education and a job when no one else would. We see him making a similar comment about James:

'But you are normal!" said Harry fiercely. "You've just got a--a problem--"

Lupin burst out laughing.

"Sometimes you remind me a lot of James. He called it my 'furry little problem' in company. Many people were under the impression that I owned a badly behaved rabbit."

While his dialogue surrounding marginalisation is either passive or dry around the Order ("an occupational hazard of being a werewolf"), he does allow himself to get angry about what he faces around Sirius:

"I know she is a nasty piece of work though - you should hear Remus talk about her," said Sirius. (In reference to Umbridge drafting an anti werewolf legislation)

Remus being loved by his family and the radical acceptance of his condition by his friends is a very huge part of his character - because it allows him to experience his "monstrosity" in a way that he believes is safe (even while it is highly dangerous and irresponsible).

He appoints James and Sirius as his protectors:

'Sirius and James transformed into such large animals, they were able to keep a werewolf in check."

And they did, they protected him from consequences of their dangerous jaunts and there were many "near misses". However, this allows him to be a teenager in a way that he knows he normally wouldn't have been able to be:

"We were young, thoughtless -- carried away with our own cleverness."

Around the Marauders, there is an integration of his wolf and human selves, which would explain why Remus feels comfortable expressing negative emotions like anger around his friends, when he normally he wouldn't to anyone else:

'My body was still wolfish, but my mind seemed to become less so while I was with them'

We know that what is offered to him here is unique kind of acceptance, the one he doesn't even get with his fellow werewolves - as he "bears unmistakable signs of having tried to live among wizards" and they find it "difficult to trust him", not to speak of the regular bigotry he faces from wizards.

And because of this comfort he receives from them, and a sense of integrated identity around them when he has to move between two fractured selves among wizards and among werewolves, it also informs his flaw: allowing his friends to get away with what he objectively knows is wrong.

Remus' comparitive privilege from who he calls his "fellow equals" also has resulted in internalising the messaging from the wizarding world, which feeds his self loathing rather than the righteous anger we see other subjucated magical creatures display.

This self loathing informs his tendency to avoid intimate relationships in his adulthood: "I am too poor, too old, too dangerous"/ "Don't you see what I have done to my wife and child? I have made her an outcast!"

Long story short: Remus' permeable identity issues (moving between 'human' and 'wolf' selves), why exactly he is loyal to his friends' secrets even when they are long dead cause very interesting internal conflict/ tension in him to explore.

#remus lupin #the marauders #james potter #albus dumbledore #sirius black #moony wormtail padfoot prongs #mwpp #hp meta #harry potter

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sparkliingcrown · 3 years

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— my worst nightmare.

Summary: You know the saying that goes 'Keep your friends close but your enemies closer?' How much closer can you get to your enemy than being roommates?

Request: Brownies + Dark Irish Coffee

Genre: Roommates AU, College AU, Enemies to Lovers

Words: 6.1k

Warnings: Lots of swearing. I didn’t hold back in that aspect. Uhm, mentions of drinking, yn kinda panics at one point... I think that should be all! If not, pls notify me ^^

Note: An Eishi Café special. Yes, this is because it was last minute requests and it took too long for me to get to and open up the café again. ALSO TO THE ANON THAT REQUESTED THIS, I’M SORRY I MISREAD THE ORDER AND WROTE IT AS A LIGHT REQUEST! I hope you still like it nonetheless... Sorry it took so long T^T Also, this is my first time writing something like this so I really hope that it fits.

You were hauling your bags and boxes up to your new dorm room by yourself. That wasn’t exactly the greatest way to start the day, considering you had to stay up packing the last of your stuff, rushing to the nearest train station, riding the train, and then driving all the way to your new dorm room for college yesterday. You didn’t even get to sleep a wink on the train and you sure as hell can’t sleep while on the road. So, in short, you were tired, hungry, and really fucking pissed.

You mocked your naive and excited self, making faces as you tugged your bags closer to your body, pulling the strap of your backpack higher up your shoulder to keep it from falling on the floor. Go to college, they said. You'll have the time of your life, they said. Who's they? The many, many movies you watched growing up. And where exactly were you now?

"Can you at least try to help me move my stuff inside?" You drop your bags at the door, stretching your arms out.

"Lemme think about it." He closes his eyes for a second, letting out a deep breath. "No."

That's right. You were stuck with him. Choi Seungcheol. The bane of your existence.

That motherfucker.

His majesty was sitting comfortably on the couch, a cup of boba in his hand. Oh, how you wish you could just reach out there and squeeze it to make it explode in his face. Instead, you huff. You turned away and stomped your way down to the elevator to get the rest of your luggage. Muttering to yourself, you hauled the last of your luggage in, just wanting to collapse onto your bed for the day having barely gotten any rest the previous day.

You were expecting your best friend, Jiwoo, to greet you at the door. You were expecting her to greet you with that enthusiastic squeal when she sees you. You were expecting her to give you a warm hug that would last probably longer than 5 minutes. Alas, the universe decided to be rude to you and give you your worst nightmare.

Seungcheol stares as you drag your bags and feet to the nearest room, raising an eyebrow when he thinks he heard you utter his name. He did not help whatsoever. Asshole. Once you get to your room, you don't even bother cleaning up and unpacking. You sank to the floor with a loud whine, not caring at all if Seungcheol could hear you from outside.

You were so excited to live out your college dream. Going to the library, going to parties you know Jiwoo would drag you to, midnight talks with your roommate, binging series you’ve been eyeing for a while. The universe just really had to ruin it for you by placing him as your roommate. You didn’t even know he was enrolled in Hybe University. It seemed like he didn’t know either. You recall the shocked look on his face when he opened the door.

“You’re my roommate?!” You both exclaim in unison.

You feel your lifespan shorten by 30 years when it fully sinks in that you’re stuck with him for a full school year. If it wasn’t enough that the bags you carried were heavy, the ones under your eyes felt even heavier. Seungcheol frowns.

“You look like shit,” he states, taking a long sip out of his cup.

You manage to send your iciest glare at him, chucking the heavy luggage inside to make him move. “No shit, Sherlock-”

“The name’s Seungcheol.”

You ignore him. “I just drove a fucking half hour just to get here.”

You kick the bag, moving it to a corner then go to get a smaller one waiting by the door. Seungcheol moves out of your way, walking back to the couch. “Don’t fucking test me, Choi.”

He puts one of his hands up in a surrendering gesture. You sigh, closing the door behind you to get the rest of your things.

You let out a groan, deciding to unpack your things a little later. Eyeing your bed, you get up to move to your bed. You easily drift off into sleep. You would’ve loved to say it was dreamless but you actually quite enjoyed the chaos of it all. You awoke at 2 in the morning, lost and confused. You frown at your waste of half the day yesterday, smacking random items in your room to figure out where you had placed your phone.

Once you located it, the screen lit up your face - blinding you a little in the process. Jiwoo had excitedly messaged you. Well, excited was an understatement when she sent you 102 messages in the span of one hour and 17 missed calls for the rest of the time you were unconscious on your bed.

Your stomach growls, shocking you. “Yeah, I should get some food then start unpacking. Probably message her back as well…” you mutter to the air, dusting off your jeans as you finish up the process of fully moving into your new home for the next school year.

You sigh, “Fuck, this is going to be a long year.”

You bury your head in the reference book that you picked out to help with your assignment. It wasn’t doing it’s job of helping. You shifted in your seat. With a groan, you lean back in your seat, not understanding any of the material so far. Jiwoo pats your back encouragingly, nuzzling her cheek on your shoulder.

"There, there," she says, running a hand through your hair. "Hold on, I'll just return this book because it didn't have what I was looking for."

With a solemn nod, Jiwoo rises from her seat. She skips away with the book in your hands leaving you suffering all alone. You mentally slap yourself for sulking when it's literally only the second month of college. Living in the dorms has not been any easier ever since you arrived. Seungcheol took any opportunity to get a rise out of you and you would bite back with just as much sass.

It was like a competition between you both. Over what exactly? No one could really tell. Jiwoo came over often so she's very much used to seeing the two of you bicker like little children out of the smallest things. This was the reason as to why she dragged you out of the dorm.

"Come on, ever since you've arrived, you're either staying in your room or going to that boba place!" Jiwoo was tugging you by your wrist while you used your other hand to cling onto your bedpost. "You need to live! To breathe!"

"I do that just fine over here!" you complain.

Then, it was just a competition of whining. Jiwoo won that one easily. Her bright, sparkling puppy eyes were too much to resist. You sighed. You were too soft for Jiwoo sometimes. You mumble, cursing the professors for giving a bunch of work already. It was to the point that you could barely keep track of any of your subjects anymore.

You stare at your laptop screen, a half blank essay staring back at you with a menacing aura. You turn your head. An open textbook sat atop several other books of the same subject stared at you too. You could hear it calling for you, yelling at you to study for the test next week. With a silent cry, you drop your head down onto the table. You hear a snicker from behind you. One that you've heard way too many times that you didn't even need to turn around to see who it was.

"Hello to you too, Choi." You let out a tired sigh, head rising from the table.

"You look pitiful like that," he comments, eyeing the multitude of books surrounding your laptop. "You need any help?"

You raise an eyebrow. "Excuse me?"

"Do you need help?"

"The Choi Seungcheol is offering me help?"

"Ah, good, so your ears can work," he gives you that shit eating grin that you just want to punch off his face. You can already feel the fire burning inside just ready to burst. You feel like a boiling kettle to say the least. It's his turn to raise an eyebrow now.

"Well?"

"No way," you huff like a child, turning your back on him.

He sat across from you. It really just had to be the only fucking unoccupied seat left. You mentally cursed all the students who came to the library. Then you felt bad and instead cursed Seungcheol who just had to come to the library when you were at the peak of the stress rollercoaster, just ready to dive into the depths of despair and bad grades.

Your eyes flutter back and forth between the laptop, the books and Seungcheol himself. With a defeated sigh, you turn the laptop so the screen could face him. "Please."

That same grin never left his face, he tauntingly cups a hand around his ear. "What's that? I can't hear you."

"Old man," you retort with a snicker. Just as he was going to open his mouth to protest, you repeat yourself a little louder. "Please help me with this damn assignment so I can finish it already."

"That's more like it." He pulls out the chair next to you, pushing away the books to help you.

You would never admit it out loud but you were actually grateful that Seungcheol had offered his help. With every small pointer he gave you, you were able to fly through all of your workload like a breeze. He even lent you his notes for that test you were so worried about. You leaned back, tipping your head back as the most relieved sigh anyone could muster slipped past your lips.

“What? No ‘Thank you’?” he asked, a small pout on his lips.

“I didn’t kill you. Is that enough?” He rolls his eyes at you, returning to his own seat. Guilt started to take form in the pit of your stomach. You sighed. “I gotta go. Thanks. I’ll see you at the dorm.”

You didn’t see it. He didn’t want you to see it. He didn’t even want to acknowledge it; the heat rising up and painting his cheeks pink from when you sent him that small smile before leaving. Seungcheol mentally slapped himself, shaking his head and trying to focus on his own essay he put off while helping you. Safe to say, he never really did finish that stupid essay.

"Joo, do I have to go?" you complained, tugging your shirt downwards. It's a little too much for your taste.

"You deserve it, babe," Jiwoo replied. "You got good grades after studying for so long! Loosen up a little! Please?"

You give her a skeptical look.

"Just this once?" She gives you her best puppy dog eyes that shimmered under the light of her dorm room. She puts up a finger and juts out her bottom lip in a pout, ultimately stealing your heart with how cute she is. "For me?"

"Ugh, fine. You're too cute not to."

"Yay!" she wraps her arms around you and gives you a light kiss on your cheek, dragging you out of her dorm and to her car.

She drove you to the party, that sweet smile never leaving her face. She talked about a blend of many topics she was interested in. You heard her mention something about talking to that girl in her class. You only stared out the window, humming in response as you dreaded arriving at the party.

Alcohol. It reeked of alcohol. You just arrived but there were already so many people that just smelled like sweat and whatever was served in the kitchen. Jiwoo took you to the dance floor, which was clearly just the living room of the house with the couches pushed to the side so there's space. She introduced you to a couple of her friends. You give them a small wave. It probably wasn't the best idea to try and have a conversation this close to the speakers.

After just a few minutes of walking in, you already lost Jiwoo. She was probably just with one of her friends. Come to think of it, she was clinging on to one of them really tightly and just being very clingy. But she was almost always like that with anyone. You brush it off your mind, heading to the kitchen to get something to drink.

"They look pretty," Seokmin stated, sipping from his cup and making a slight face at the bitterness. "Wait... Is that Y/n?"

Seungcheol's ears seem to perk up at the mention of your name. He turns to the direction his friend was staring at, seeing you hover over the kitchen island with a drink in your hand. You looked bored. A little lonely too. He deduced that your friend had left you to fend for yourself. He snickers to himself.

"Oh yeah, I think that is," Jeonghan was suddenly by his side, eyeing Seungcheol for his reaction. Seungcheol pulls a face.

"What are you looking at?" he sneers.

"Don't you think they're pretty, Cheollie?" Jeonghan giggled, obviously already a little tipsy. Seungcheol scowls. An old conversation flashed by his eyes.

"Where are you going?"

You raise an eyebrow. "And why do you care about where I'm going?"

"Because I'm your roommate? What if something happens to you?"

"Awh, does Seungcheollie actually care about me?" You jut your lip out in an exaggerated pout.

"No, I- Wait..." He takes in the outfit you decided to wear, and breathes in the scent of that perfume you always wear on special occasions. "Don't tell me... You're going out with that guy again, aren't you?"

You roll your eyes, adjusting the straps of your shoes with a groan. "So?"

"Are you that blind that I have to fucking tell you? He's not good for you!"

"Why do you give a damn about who I go out with? Why would I give a damn about who you think I should go out with?"

"That's not the point- Stop going out with him!"

"What are you? My dad? Fuck off, Cheol."

"That guy is not good for you." He crosses his arms against his chest. "Hell, even I would be better for you and I'm your enemy."

“Yeah, you’re my enemy. That doesn’t explain why you’re butting into my love life like this. Literally, just fuck off!” you exclaim, losing your cool with a stomp of your foot.

You fall silent. He falls silent. Seungcheol is worried for that second that passes. He didn’t know why. The silence was uncomfortable. It was like the chill of realizing there’s a spider in the shower with you. He felt chills run down his spine. He didn’t even know why.

You say nothing more, picking up your purse. The silence was odd. It was new. Especially to the both of you. Seungcheol was just about to speak up again, voicing his opposition to you going out with the sketchy guy you met when you walked out and slammed the door on him.

His mouth hung ajar, disbelief spread all over his features. He scoffs, “Ugh, whatever.”

He turns to look at you again. You were by the dance floor now, the neon lights surrounding you. He always thought you were pretty whenever you two wouldn't be bickering until the day's end. Seeing you next to the lights, seeing you like this, it made his heart race a little. He blames it on the alcohol.

Seungcheol ignores the way the rest of his friends start teasing him. It was mostly Joshua and Jeonghan ganging up on him but it was teasing nonetheless. He rolled his eyes, shoving them off him when Jeonghan started giggling a little too close to his face. Sure, he thinks you look pretty, and sure, he doesn't deny that he did find you attractive when he first met you after the summer. That doesn't matter, though, right? Right?

So, what was this feeling festering in his heart when he saw another guy walk up to you and ask you for a dance?

Seungcheol watches as the anonymous guy takes your hand and graciously leads you to the dance floor. His friends would be dramatic and say that he glared daggers at the dude. To be fair, he was. Seungcheol wasn't going to admit to that, however. He crushes his cup in his hand, startling the rest of his group but leading to only more teasing from all of them. With a roll of his eyes, he decides to shift his attention elsewhere.

Your weight shifts from one foot to the other. Maybe situating yourself near the dance floor wasn't the best idea you ever got but you needed to search for Jiwoo in the sea of sweaty, horny, drunk people. What better option than to sit right next to the speaker? You mentally facepalm yourself when the neon lights blinded you from identifying anyone. You blink once. Twice.

Who is this stranger in front of you?

Alarms blare in your head, telling you to get away. Your grip tightens on your cup, anxiety filling your stomach. He notices your worried expression and immediately flashes a smile. "You don't come here often, do you? I'm Eungwang."

He extends a hand out to you, asking you to join him on the dance floor. You shyly follow him, his hand never leaving yours. He twirls you around, telling you to smile a little bit and relax. You could feel all eyes on you, the blinding neon lights and booming music slowly becoming unbearable with each passing second.

"You okay?" You nearly didn't hear Eungwang calling out your name. "You look stressed. Are you okay?" You did your best to shake your head no, breath stuck in your throat.

A worried look passes his eyes, the corners of his lips turning downwards. It was becoming too much. You knew you shouldn't have come to this party. Jiwoo just had to bring you along. Jiwoo... You still haven't found her. The pounding in your heart and ears were getting worse, getting louder. You twist your head, trying your best to scan the crowd for a glimpse of your best friend.

"Get your hands off of her," a more familiar voice speaks up. With wide eyes, you see Seungcheol with his hand on Eungwang's shoulder.

Without an answer, Seungcheol rips him away from you and grabs your wrist to pull you into a more open space. It was weird. You always thought Seungcheol's hands would be rough, yet his touch felt so light. It felt like feathers. It was almost as if he was afraid to break you in your state. If you weren't too occupied with panicking, maybe you would've been trying to fight your way out of his grip.

You hadn't even noticed. Within minutes, the two of you were seated in the front lawn. The cool air brushed your cheeks, slowly pulling you out of your trance. Seungcheol tosses you a water bottle which you catch with trembling fingers. You take a sip and let out a breath. With pursed lips, you turn to look at him.

"Sorry.”

"What for?"

"I probably ruined the mood, right?"

He rolls his eyes, tucking his hands in his jacket pocket. "Whatever. The party was shit anyway. We should get you back to the dorm."

"But Jiwoo--"

"Your friend will be fine." He tosses his jacket to you. "Wear that. It's cold."

"I will not."

"Suits you." He snatches it out of your hands almost immediately. "Don't come crying to me when you get a cold."

Like a child, you stuck out your tongue.

You're sick.

You don't know if it's fate trying to trick you or something. Whatever it was, it definitely isn't funny. Thank goodness, it was still the weekend. You definitely would have lost it if you got sick in the middle of the week. Good news was Jiwoo got back to her own dorm safely because her roommates dragged her back. That made you feel a little better.

Swaddled in your blanket, you begin your travel to the faraway land of the living room where you met your roommate looking at you amusedly. You sent him the best glare you could muster with a bit of snot dripping down your face. He only snickered.

"I told you, you should've worn-"

"Shut it. I'd rather be sick than wear that sweaty jacket of yours."

"Oi!" He stands up, pointing at you who was rummaging through the fridge. "I'll have you know my jacket isn't at all sweaty and gross! I wash it often!"

You let out a snicker, taking some leftovers out of the fridge and shutting it close with your hips. Seungcheol drops his plate in the sink. He stares at you for a fleeting moment; your hair was a mess and there was a bit of snot running down your nose. Nonetheless, you were wrapped up tightly in your blanket that reached the floor. You peek your head to see what's playing on the TV when you see a familiar character.

"You watch...Link Clink?" You sniffle slightly, bringing your blanket back up to rest on your shoulders.

"Oh? You know this show?" Cute. He shakes the thought out of his head immediately.

"Yeah...It was on my watch list." You didn't think that he'd watch something like that. "Not like you need to know."

He rolls his eyes at you, ignoring your last comment. "You wanna watch it together sometime?"

What in the fuck? You don't know if it was your cold, if it was just the air conditioning or literal chills went down your spine at his offer. Maybe it was just the first option. Caught off guard, you stare at him. His eyebrow was raised at you while waiting for your response.

"Uhm...yeah, sure... why not?"

"Oh, yeah." He opens up a cabinet, your curious eyes following his form as he searches through the cupboard. He pulls out a green plastic and hands it over to you. "I figured you would get sick, so I bought some stuff this morning that could probably help."

"Oh, uh, thanks..."

"Don't mention it." You weren't too sure but you thought you saw him blush a little. Perhaps it was your brain playing tricks on you. Nonetheless, despite being your enemy, he was nice enough to buy you something. Though, it really was just a small cold.

He clears his throat, snapping you out of your trance. "Get some rest. Jiwoo will probably drop by here later."

"Yeah, okay."

“You’re telling me he took care of you while you were sick?”

“And you’re telling me you didn’t threaten him at all to take care of me while I was sick?”

Jiwoo takes a long sip of her bubble tea, taking her time to chew the pearls while you wait for an answer. She simply shakes her head no. You sigh.

“It’s not like he, like, took care of me. It was more of, like, he just made living together less of a living hell, I guess,” you state, taking your own sip of your tea.

“Less? What do you mean?”

“I mean, he still teased and taunted me. Like, he kept bringing his friends over. You know how loud all of them could get. Finished a bunch of my snacks even though they had my name on it. He broke my third favorite mug, too. One time, he placed my shit on top of the cabinet when he knew I couldn’t really reach it.”

You almost let out a laugh when you remember it.

“Awh, you need me in your life after all."

"Shut up, I can replace you with a step ladder."

"Too bad you won't. You love me too much."

You hadn’t even noticed the rosy pink that started to bloom on your cheeks and creep up to your ears. Jiwoo did, however, and would not let you live. Her eyes grew wide, dramatically placing her cup down. She shook you. A big grin was plastered on her face once you turned to look at her.

“Oh my goodness, it all makes sense now,” she cheered, enthusiastically shaking you around like a maraca. “You guys have been talking a lot lately… When I visited there was no sign of chaos anywhere.... And you were just giggling!”

“Giggling?”

“Giggling, Y/n, giggling! You!” she squeals. “Oh my god, you’re blushing! They’re blushing! Don’t tell me… you actually like him, do you?”

You let out a snort. “Me? Like him? Jiwoo, love, he makes my college life a lot less bearable. My petty ass won’t even let that go by, either. There’s no way I like that asshole.”

Okay, maybe you liked him a little bit.

It would be hard not to like a guy who stops in the middle of a walk just to pet some dogs he saw on the way. It would be hard to ignore the way he smiles whenever you see him with his friends. It was most definitely hard to pretend like your heart wasn’t racing at all when your drunk roommate, also known as your enemy, snuggled closer to you on your way to the couch.

“Seungcheol.” A groan. Try again.

“Seungcheol.” Same response. What is this bitch on?

“Choi Seungcheol.” A loud whine escapes his lips. “How much did you drink? You reek.”

“Just a lil’ bit,” he hiccuped, swaying back and forth on his feet. “We were having so much fun I didn’t even notice the time!”

You softly threw him onto the couch as he started to flail his arms. You rush to the kitchen to get him a glass of water. He throws his arms around the pillows and tightly squeezes them as he starts babbling nonsense you couldn’t quite make out. You hear something along the lines of peaches, weird foods they tried, and someone jumping into the pool. You smiled. They always were such a rowdy bunch. All 13 of them. You would know. They trashed your room once and ate your leftover ice cream.

“You look pretty.” You snorted, covering your mouth with your free hand. “You look just like my roomie, you know. They’re like-” A hiccup interrupts him. “They’re the prettiest person I’ve ever seen,” he slurred.

“Oh? Is that so?” You make him sit up properly and hand the cup over to him. “Here, drink some of this.”

He gulps down the water. “You're really kind, too! Ah, just like Y/n~ But they have a little- no, no- a huge temper.” Oh, wow. The audacity. He giggles and you suppress the urge to smile. Failing, you laugh along with him, shaking your head.

“Come on, let’s get you to your room, you ass,” you say, slinging an arm around him to try and get him up. “Why are you so damn heavy?”

“Because of my love~ for Y/n~!”

“Why are you cheesy when you’re drunk-”

You finally arrive at his room, which took a lot longer than expected because of dragging a very intoxicated Seungcheol around who would not stop trying to cuddle you. You struggle to open his door, ignoring the loud beating of your heart. Wanting to go back to sleep as quickly as possible, you let him crawl onto his own bed, turning around to leave.”

“Get some sleep.”

A hand wraps around your wrist, preventing you from leaving. He pulls you closer. You lose your balance. Oh look, now you're on top of him. You hold your breath. You try to push yourself away from him but to no avail. You were trapped.

“Where’s my goodnight kiss?” He croaked out, quickly leaning up to peck you on the lips.

“You kissed?!”

“Shh! Joo, not so loud!” Your eyes darted around the area, several heads turned to look your and Jiwoo’s way. “Everyone’s looking at us. I don’t even know what to say, Joo. I haven’t seen him at all for the past few days.” “You haven’t seen him or you’re avoiding him?” She raised a skeptical brow at you, popping some food in her mouth. She points one of her chopsticks at you with a big grin that makes you want to hide in a hole and never come out. “I think… you’re just avoiding him.”

“Well, what are you supposed to do when-” you lower your volume, casting your eyes to the ground. “I’m not finishing that sentence. Argh!” You hide your face in your hands, Jiwoo’s thrilled laughter coming from beside you.

You spent the following week trying to evade Seungcheol’s presence. You’ve been getting out of the dorm far earlier than you used to and he could never catch you anywhere. He seemed more than eager to talk to you nowadays, usually looking for you in the hallways or trying to spot a glimpse of you in your favorite spots. The library, the boba place, outside your classes. Nothing. It always seemed like you were one step faster than he was, one second too late for him.

He went around the campus grounds one last time. He even asked his friends if he’s seen you to which they replied with skeptical looks for fair reasons. He even tried to ask your friend, Jiwoo, to no avail. He retreats back to the dorm in defeat. His shoulders slumped over as he fished the keys out of his pocket. The door clicks and he becomes visibly confused. He still has his keys in his hand. The door opens wide and Seungcheol yelps, faced with none other than the roommate he was looking for.

Without thinking, he grabs a hold of your wrist as you go to shut the door on him. You snap yourself out of your thoughts from that night. "You're coming with me."

"What the fuck?" You tug your wrist back. His grip only tightens. "Yah! What the hell do you think you're doing?! I'm going to miss the next episode of-"

"Mmm, don't really care."

"Tch." You look down, suddenly ashamed of your get-up. He opens his car door for you. "Did Jiwoo put you up to this?"

Seungcheol smiles. Your heart... Did it skip a beat? Woah. Maybe he actually doesn't look too bad when he's not being a dick to you. Maybe he actually, dare you say it, looks cute when the two of you aren't at each other's throats every 5 seconds. You reluctantly get in, buckling your seatbelt while you wait for him to start up the car.

You look out the window, appreciating the beauty of the night. It's serene. It was still pretty bright with all the lights and buildings yet it looked beautiful. You opted not to speak to Seungcheol for the rest of the drive. You still didn't even know why he dragged you out of your room. You don't even know why you actually got in his car.

Realization hits you.

You're in his car. Seungcheol's car. You willingly got into Seungcheol's car. A small gasp leaves your lips, calling his attention.

"Is something wrong?"

You look at him. "Uh, no... No, I'm fine." The car suddenly holts, snapping you out of your daze. 7/11. Your eyebrows furrow. What?

"You dragged me out of my room... to go to 7/11? This late at night?" you asked, disbelief laced in your tone. He only chuckles at you, getting out of the car while leaving you bewildered and still strapped to your seat.

"Technically, it's like morning but sure." You unbuckle the seatbelt and step out, the cold breeze hitting your skin. Right, you still looked like a mess in the middle of a crisis. "I owe you ice cream since Soonyoung couldn't control himself the other day."

You narrow your eyes at him, suspicious of why he decided to be nice to you today. Before you could open your mouth to speak, he interrupts you, "This is just so you won't bitch about your lost ice cream."

"Hey!" you huff, crossing your arms over your chest. He picks up a few items and checks them out, you follow behind him like a lost puppy. "I thought we were just getting ice cream... why are you-"

"Can you just enjoy this quiet we have right now?" That made you shut up for the rest of the night. Not really. You started complaining about the cold a few minutes later while he laughed at your misery.

"Your fault for not bringing a coat, idiot."

"You fuckin- You dragged me out here!" you exclaimed, exasperated. "The audacity of this bitch, I swear."

Now sitting outside the 7/11, you rub your arms in a feeble attempt to warm yourself up. Not much luck. He slams a cup of instant ramen in front of you. You jumped slightly at the noise and he sent you a sheepish grin. "Enjoy, loser." You stick your tongue out at him yet pick up the cup nonetheless.

A sizzle breaks the silence between the both of you. He has a cheeky grin plastered all over his face as he teases you with the sight of the can of beer. He tosses one in your direction. You caught it, thankfully. You take a sip after opening it, letting out a content sigh. You searched your brain for something to say to fill the silence. It wasn't exactly everyday you get to sit quietly under the night sky on a school night with your worst enemy.

“I...uh... also wanted to apologize if I weirded you out while I was shit-faced drunk that one time. I didn’t- the words… they just slipped out,” he says.

“That’s it?” you ask. “You don’t remember anything else?”

Seungcheol shakes his head. “I don’t remember anything other than babbling nonsense. Why? Did I do something?” Your cheeks flare up, memories flooding back in that you’ve tried so hard to avoid. He stops and looks at you, noticing how you wouldn’t look him in the eye. Your eyes were trained on something else, your cheeks burning crimson. He blinks once, twice, trying to recollect the events of that night. All he remembers was you pissed and greeting him at the door, muttering some embarrassing shit, and being dropped onto his bed. Everything else was a blur.

“We should… Let’s get going. It’s getting really late,” you say, turning your head so you’d stop staring. The two of you finish up your ramen and drinks, heading back to Seungcheol’s car after discarding the trash.

On the way home, he recalls a few memories. The day you first met, the time you embarrassed him in front of the whole 8th grade, the time he gave you an oreo cookie filled with toothpaste. A good trip down memory lane later, the two of you were laughing obnoxiously in the wee hours of the morning. The laughter dies down as Seungcheol unlocks your dorm door.

“Come to think of it, why are we enemies again? We didn’t really do too much to hate each other,” you say, removing your shoes by the door.

“Do we hate each other?” You shrug. He laughs. “Why don’t we start over then? We’re not too different, apparently.”

“Yeah. Sure, why not?”

He sticks out his hand. “Hi, I’m Seungcheol.”

You gaze lingers on it for a few seconds. You never thought you’d be doing this ever. You look up at him and back at his hand. There’s a chance you’ll regret your next move but you doubt you will.

With a simple, soft kiss, everything felt like it changed yet stayed the same. The feeling of his lips on yours felt like a simple gift from the universe as a sorry for everything the two of you went through together. Seungcheol was frozen in his spot, eyes fluttering shut as he slowly pulled you closer. His memories start getting clearer. He slowly pieces together what happened that night. You pull away with a grin, completely red in the face.

“Hi, I’m Y/n. Seungcheol’s worst nightmare.”

“Is that what I get for making you suffer in silence when I couldn’t remember anything?”

“Oh, so you remember now? Damn, you really are old.”

“We’re the same age!”

“To answer your question, yes. Yes, it is.”

For the second time that night, you kissed.

#seventeen #seventeen fluff #seventeen imagines #seventeen scenarios #seventeen x reader #svt #svt fluff #svt imagines #svt scenarios #svt x reader #choi seungcheol #s.coups #scoups x reader #seungcheol x reader #scoups fluff #seungcheol fluff #eishi.cafe

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hoeforce-999 · 3 years

Text

Salvation

hunter x jedi-reader (female with she/her pronouns)

warnings: minor spoilers for bad batch season 1, angst, grief.

From a young age, you had been taught to handle anger with gentle hands and delicate words, steadily reeling it in so you did not unleash it on people who did not deserve it. As a child being taught the way of the Jedi, you had not understood the dangers of constant anger and fear, but you hadn’t even experienced much of that to begin with. You no longer had the innocent and naive mind of a child ready to take on the world, but rather the one of a war-stricken adult who no longer knew what she was fighting for. You found it harder to control your anger and easier to unleash it. But that was not how you were taught, so again and again, you meditated and focused on your breathing.

and

out

Your attempts to calm the sizzling anger running through your veins were in vain, it would not disappear or calm no matter how many breaths you took. With even more frustration than before you got up from the floor of your barrack and sat down on the little too hard bed. It groaned in response to your weight and even that made you want to rip the white linen apart. You missed the beds at the Jedi temple, they had been soft and welcoming after days of hard training. As you thought of the place you had once called home, the lightsaber hanging from your belt felt heavier than usual. Heavy with the knowledge that you had chosen to leave, heavy with the knowledge of what had transpired after, and heavy with the guilt that you had managed to survive. Of all great padawans and Jedi masters, the one who had left it all behind had been the one to make it out alive. A broken laugh escaped past your sealed lips and echoed through the room, reminding you of a time when that laugh had not been as broken. It felt like it had just been weeks ago since you had been sitting in this ship, surrounded by your unusual team, a group of misfits who somehow fit perfectly together, on your way to another mission. Sometimes those missions had not even felt like obligations, sometimes you had given in to that young Jedi still inside of you and regarded it as your big adventure to save the universe. As it turned out you had barely been able to save yourself, let alone the whole universe. The only way you had gotten out of that last mission with your life intact, had been thanks to your newfound family and their unrelenting wish to protect you. You closed your eyes as the memory of that horrid day engulfed you in a veil of darkness and sorrow. There would not come a day when you would forget how all those clone troopers around you, Depa Billaba and young padawan Caleb had turned their blasters towards you. You would not forget how you and Depa Billapa had fought to give the child a chance, a chance to survive as the universe turned against him. Then she had fallen, becoming an empty shell without the spirit of the warrior who had once been and now no longer was. The memory of her death was haunting and your whole body was shaking with the fury you had felt and still felt as if it had been engraved in your soul. Though your memory was the reminder of something from your past, the fear you had experienced was still palpable as you thought about how close you had been to meeting the same fate. There had been no doubt in your mind that you would fall next, join her in another life with the only regret that you did not get to bid your farewells to your squad. Almost as if they had heard that silent wish to see them again, they had appeared with their blasters raised and saved your life. One of them, in particular, had fought as if his life depended on it. His chestnut-colored hair had been all over his face as he finally got to you, that red bandana he always wore was in his hands as he carefully put it around one of your wounds. He had been so tender with you as if his touch would have been the last point for you to break. It might have been, had you not been so caught up in the fact that whatever had gotten over the other clones, had left your friends alone. You had been relieved for all of them, but most of all for him, the clone who somehow had managed to take up such a big place in your heart that it had become his.

Hunter, Hunter, Hunter

You escaped your memory and forced it into the darkest corner of your mind, wishing to never again experience it again. Instead, you tried to focus on his name, tried to busy your mind with thoughts of what he was doing or things he had said to you. He was usually enough to calm the distressed state you seemed to fall into more often now, but not today. It seemed as if all your tries to calm your anger and fear were hopeless, for you could only feel them rising as a force strong enough to drown you. When you felt how the darkness grew inside of you, you thought back to the words a certain Jedi master had repeated time after time, etching them into every young mind so they would not forget.

Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.

You had not forgotten and neither had the warning bells ringing in your mind, but for such a long time you had been fighting against that dark part of you and you were growing so damn tired. This was a battle you had been struggling to win for some time now, and you were on the brink of giving up. It felt as if you should, perhaps then you could become stronger and actually do something for this universe. Maybe you would be able to bring your other friend back, the brother who had left and when given the choice, had turned his back on you again. You had been so furious as he stayed on the platform in front of a destroyed Kamino, there had been so much rage towards a universe that seemed to take everyone away from you. The darkness inside of you relished in your anger and the guilt that gnawed at your soul, and then it started to soothe you with silent promises of what you could do, who you could become if you only gave in. You could have sworn that the darkness sighed in relief as you leaned further into its embrace, perhaps this would be for the best.

yes, you can have so much more and that was true, right? You would have more power than you had now, you would be able to save everyone you loved and never have to experience that heavy feeling of loss again.

yes, yes and so much more it chanted inside of you, drawing you further and further into it and you could almost have laughed because this was so much easier and not so horrid as those Jedi masters had preached to you. Somewhere in your head, those warning bells were still ringing, that young Jedi in you still fighting for dear life but you could do nothing else but savor how welcoming the darkness felt. It was becoming you, it became every breath you took, every beat of your heart, and every memory you had until they were all clouded by the same rage you had felt for weeks. This was not giving up, this was giving in to something else, something that would make your life more bearable. You were not even aware of your own body anymore, it felt as if you were floating away from it or perhaps sinking so deep into it, you would never escape.

This is the right choice, you will be one to fear and never again feel fear yourself. You will do so much for the universe that gave you so little. You will-.

The chants inside of your mind were interrupted by a buzzing sound, and as you tried to locate the interruption you realized that it was not a buzzing sound but rather a soft voice calling your name. Oh, and your name on his lips always sounded like the soft drizzle of syrup and so that darkness in you was momentarily interrupted by Hunter.

This is just a memory, he is not real. You hummed in response, the darkness was right, this was just a ploy played by your own mind. Once again you found yourself sinking deeper into those feelings of rage, grief, and despair. Though it was as if you could still hear his voice saying your name, and then his hands were on your shoulders, shaking you as if he somehow could wake you up from a nightmare you had chosen to dwell in. He must be able to sense the change in you, that was one of his enhancements after all, hypersensitive to everything around him. Your name on his lips and his hands on your body ignited a battle inside of you, for just as there was a wish to forget there was a desire to hear more words from him.

“Cyar'ika, I can’t lose you too.”

Right, if you succumbed to the darkness you would lose him. He who had saved you in so many different ways that it felt as if you had a hundred debts to pay him. Maybe he was enough, maybe you did not need all this power that the dark side promised you. Perhaps his hand in yours would be enough for you to keep on fighting and as if he could hear your thoughts, his grip on your shoulders tightened. You knew then, that he would always be enough for you and so you joined the young Jedi in you and started fighting, fought for the girl who had once believed she could save everyone, fought for the friends she had lost, and fought for the love she had gained. Your whole body shuddered as you tried to force that darkness out of your mind, it was backing away slowly, not really wanting to give up this battle. But it would, because when you finally gained control of yourself again and looked into Hunter’s eyes the love that shone in them would have been enough to shatter every ounce of darkness in the universe. The anger and fear you had felt had vanished, never gone but perhaps tamed, and you let out a gasp, almost as if you had been drowning underwater. His hands were on your face and a small smile formed on his lips as he saw that you were you again.

“Hi.” You could not help the small smile that tugged on your lips either, there was just so much relief that you had not given in and that this man once again had managed to drag you out of your inner despair. You lifted a hand to stroke some of his hair away, it was soft as velvet beneath your fingers. He leaned forward to rest his forehead on yours, his hard grip on your shoulders remained as if he was scared that you would vanish again if he let go. So he kept on holding you and you kept on twirling his hair, both relieved that the other was whole.

“Glad to have you back.” He whispered and you promised yourself to never again let yourself be so close to letting him go. The darkness had been wrong, you did not need anger or power to never feel fear again. The only thing you needed was to stay with the person who would make it all bearable. Sometimes a person finds pieces of their soul in another, and when that happens you need to cling to that someone with all you have, for they are your salvation. He was yours.

#the bad batch x reader #the bad batch #the bad batch hunter #hunter x reader #hunter x jedi-reader #hunter x you #hunter x y/n #bad batch hunter #star wars x reader #star wars imagines #bad batch imagines #the bad batch imagines #crosshair x reader #tech x reader #wrecker x reader #echo x reader

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fairyoftbz · 3 years

Text

maternal weariness | l. sangyeon

🐣 pairing: neighbour!sangyeon x single mother!reader 🐣 word count: 2.7k 🐣 genre: fluff, slight angst, a bit domestic, cliché AF 🐣 tw: none? 🐣 synopsis: your daughter is suffering from her growing teeth and you're about to lose your mind, but you have enough self-control to do something before bursting. 🐣 a/n: i am so domestic for that man it was almost impossible for me not to write something else for sangyeon + kids. 🐣 requested: no!

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A headache started immersing itself into your skull, hitting all your nerves at once to the point of having you totter for a few seconds. Once you finally got a grip on yourself, you decided to take your crying baby in your arms in order to desperately calm her down. You closed your eyes as you rocked her, feeling frustration, exhaustion and annoyance bubbling inside your entire body. This torrent of emotions crashing into you didn’t help with your headache, only to have it spreading at the back of your neck to your shoulders. Sitting down inside your rock chair, the cries of your small daughter didn’t subside, you almost had the feeling that they increased.

“Shht baby, I know it hurts, calm down love,” you said as you stroked her cheek with your thumb, tears gathered in your eyes as you felt helpless. It was wonderful to have a baby, you had never felt this happy in life, but it was a whole other responsibility. There were many ups and downs, but never once have you regretted giving birth to your beautiful daughter.

Today, you were more on the downside of the life of a mother. Despite all the efforts and pieces of advice you received from books or other mothers, your daughter seemed to not be ready to sleep through the night yet, forcing you to stay awake until dawn, only getting dozens of minutes of rest each night. Bringing up a child on your own was not impossible, but it was certain that it was hard. Hearing your friends that had husbands or partners willingly taking the reins so they could rest had you envious, and somewhat feeling guilty.

The baby daddy was never there, only supporting from afar through small amounts of money. At the beginning of your motherhood, you hated it but almost begged him to come and help you, but he always claimed that he had better things to do and that you should already be grateful that he was willing to financially support you two.

What kind of father did you give your daughter? Where did the gentleman and the caring boyfriend from a few years ago go? Who decided to replace him with a rich asshole that only cared about his appearance and his own health?

The tears threatened to fall as you thought of all this while rocking your daughter back and forth, the side of her cheek against your chest as she kept on yelling in pain. It hurt to see her in this state, you wished you could take the pain away from her, but sadly, you had to assist her in her teething process as best as you could, which meant only cradling her and kissing her.

However, your daughter seemed to have another sense, a sixth one if we could call it that way, and she knew when you were stressed or angry, two emotions that were currently pulsating in your veins and controlling your entire being. You wanted to scream and cry just like her, but you resisted the temptation, you had to stay strong for your daughter. The process was hard you two, but one of you was about to burst and lose her mind. Your breathing pattern picked up, became irregular, the crying of your baby only increasing.

Clutching your teeth, the tears finally spurted out of your eyes violently, uncontrollably cascading down your face onto your daughter’s pyjamas. While a tidal wave of emotions burst into your mind, you remembered one thing many mothers, as well as your own once told you: Never. Ever. Shake your baby out of pure rage or despair. No matter how exhausted or frustrated you are, pass it onto someone else before calming down.

And that’s exactly what you did. Putting on your slippers, you crossed the threshold of your apartment to appear into the corridor, the cold air only increased your daughter’s cries, probably disturbing the entire building. Violently crying and struggling to catch your breath back, you weakly crashed your fist onto your neighbour’s front door, desperately hoping that they were here.

It was getting suffocating, and you felt like fainting, but you were trying to get a grip on your emotions for your daughter. As you were about to go back to your apartment filled with utter defeat, the door opened on your neighbour, a confused look written on his face as you sighed in relief.

Sangyeon was a young man you had met on your first day moving inside your current apartment. He was kind enough to help you get some boxes inside the elevator while you maintained the metallic doors opened, helping you even more as he saw that you were his new neighbour. He looked really happy to help, relieving you of this stress as you were exhausted from the irregular sleeping schedules of being a mother.

He had let you come inside his apartment once when you had accidentally locked yourself out with your daughter as you were going on a walk to try and lull her to sleep. You felt like you had the angels on your side because he knew an old friend from an ex-co-worker that was a locksmith. He offered him a great tip, so he came within the next hour, allowing you to unlock your door and get back to your apartment safely. The next day, you walked up to his door and offered him a bottle of wine and some baked goods as a way of thanking him, and you could tell that he was touched by your gesture.

Back to the present, Sangyeon took in your messy state, concern filling his eyes as your tears never seemed to stop.

“I am so sorry to disturb you, but my daughter’s been crying for hours now and she doesn’t want to stop, and I don’t know what to do and-“ you tried to say in one breath, but your neighbour stopped you by placing a hand on your shoulder, exhaling deeply as you were lost and confused.

“Please breathe Y/N, it’s gonna be okay. Tell me what’s happening,” he said, his voice clear-cut and composed despite the disturbing screeches of your daughter.

“Her teeth are coming out and she’s in so much pain I don’t know what to do, it keeps me up all night and… and I don’t feel like being capable anymore,” you said as you kept on crying, your neighbour nodding at every word you said.

“Let’s not stay in the corridor. Can I come in your apartment?” he carefully said as he quickly grabbed his keys and locked his door, accompanying you towards yours.

“Yes, yes, of course,” your daughter couldn’t stop yelling and crying, the volume never decreased, only getting rid of the echo thanks to the smaller walls of your apartment.

Your neighbour took his shoes off and placed his keys next to yours, eyes quickly wandering around the apartment: there was no sign of a partner’s presence. He made a mental note of it and strode to the living room, your apartment layout being the same as his, just a tad bit smaller. You sat on the sofa with your crying daughter, eyes still glistening with tears as you couldn’t hold them back.

“Pass me your daughter,” he said as he extended his hands, only for you to stand up and began to guide him on how to take your daughter, but he seemed pretty comfortable without your explanation.

“My sister is a mother too, I got a bit of practice beforehand,” he explained with a reassuring smile, and you nodded, thankful that he filled in the silence, satisfied with the small nods and exhausted smiles you were giving him.

He soothingly rubbed your daughter’s back, gently resting her head on his shoulder as he strolled around the living room. You sighed as you let your temple rest on the backrest of the sofa, trying to get rid of the negative thoughts invading your mind.

“May I ask for her name again?” he asked, and you sniffled, wiping your tears with your top sleeve. “It’s Haerin,” you answered with a tired expression, the man nodding at your words with a reassuring smile. “I wish we could have met again in other circumstances, but babies are a priority,” he said as your daughter’s cries were slowly decreasing, feeling already a bit better as he seemed to be able to magically soothe her.

“I’m so sorry. I needed to give her to someone for a moment, I feel like exploding,” you explained with an apologetic look on your face, but Sangyeon just shook his head, his reassuring smile never leaving his face.

“Don’t apologise for this, you did what was best for you and your daughter,” you felt better at his words, the encouragement you were desperately craving from someone finally reaching your ears.

At the mere thought of not having someone by your side to raise your daughter, loneliness and guilt hit you like a tidal wave, eyes filling up with tears again, and Sangyeon sadly looked at you.

“Thank you. It’s just that… I don’t have someone in my life right now and I barely talk to my friends and family because of my job and my daughter, so hearing some reassurance just makes me feel slightly better,” you said and Sangyeon smiled, walking to the couch as your daughter was now magically asleep in his arms, reddened cheeks due to her cries and the pain of her appearing teeth.

“Y/N, I am sure you are being an amazing mother. It’s not innate to take care of a newborn, it requires a lot of effort, strength, and sacrifices. Of course, it is easier to have someone by your side because they can help around the house, feed your daughter, bathe her, and take care of you and her while you rest. Nevertheless, it’s not impossible to do that alone, and you are even stronger when you cope with everything on your own.” Sangyeon mumbles, gently caressing your daughter's back.

“Don’t you think you are doing a bit too much?” you asked, a bit embarrassed to be praised like that by your neighbour, but you also asked for it. You truly didn’t know what to say, and timidly looked away as Sangyeon didn’t seem to stop.

“No, I don’t think so. Not only do you take care of her, but you also do all the chores, go to work, grocery shopping, do all the administrative work, you are a wonder woman! So with all the physical and mental charges you go through every single day, it’s normal to want to break down at some point. And you did what’s best, give your daughter to someone before you burst. It was a good reflex. Even if it’s hard, you are doing great Y/N, never forget that,” he said with your sleeping daughter in his arms, her tiny fists clutching onto the fabric of his black t-shirt. Tears were streaming down your face as you managed to smile at his words, feeling some strength reappearing in your system at the end of his praising monologue. “Thank you. You don’t realise how much I needed that,” you said in a weak voice, only to have Sangyeon smiling down at you.

“It’s completely normal. You can always come and ask for help with your daughter, or anything else. I’d gladly praise you for being a single mother all over again,” you managed to chuckle at his words, looking down to the floor as you felt his eyes never leaving you.

Looking at your daughter, you felt some maternal inner peace coming back as she was now resting, looking quite peaceful. She looked so safe in his strong, muscular arms, you were almost envying her for being in someone’s embrace.

Sangyeon exuded financial and mental stability, you were glad you rang at his door and not some crazy people. He looked so comfortable on your couch, almost as if he lived there. Well, maybe he felt so comfy because the configuration of his apartment was just like yours, but something felt different. Seeing him sitting on your couch with your daughter in his hold felt… natural, almost normal.

You shook your head as you tried to get rid of those thoughts, feeling suddenly embarrassed to fantasise so easily about him. You held back a smile by clutching your jaw, putting your thoughts down on the fact that you were exhausted and slowly going crazy with managing everything in your life.

“Where is your daughter’s crib?” he whispered and you slowly stood up, waiting a few seconds as dizziness took over your brain, your neighbour holding your forearm with his free hand.

“Follow me,” you tiptoed to her purple bedroom, Sangyeon smiling as he looked at the pretty decoration. He handed your daughter back to you to get her ready for bed, admiring the walls to give you two some privacy. Once you placed her down and neared her stuffed toy, you turned the baby phone on and switched off the light, Sangyeon inviting you to leave the bedroom first before closing the door.

“Thank you so much for your help,” you whispered, and he shook his head, a friendly hand landing on your shoulder.

“You can ring at my door at any time, I’ll try my best to help you,” he said with a reassuring tone. You felt like he was slipping away from you, and before you could do anything, your mouth spoke faster than your brain.

“Can I maybe cook you dinner to thank you?” his eyes widened for a quick second. “It’s really nice of you Y/N, but you are exhausted, you should rest.” “I insist, I think I can do it,” you cursed at yourself for sounding this helpless, watching him ponder your offer before sighing. “Only if you let me help you, then,” he said and you nodded, getting into work in silence as not to wake up your daughter.

With a warm dinner now digesting in your stomach, you both sat down on your couch, unintentionally sitting close to the other as you were exhausted. Closing your eyes for a second, you felt like you had been hit at the back of your head, your tiredness being easily readable on your face.

Drawn features, pale skin, dark circles falling to the middle of your cheek, you looked extremely scary, almost sick. But at least your daughter was healthy, and that’s what mattered the most to you as a mother. Sangyeon started chatting with you about some things, but you were too tired to keep up with what he was talking about.

“Sorry, I wasn’t paying attention,” you mumbled as silence filled in the room, Sangyeon looking at you before letting a smile emerging on his face.

“It’s okay, it was just chattering anyway,” he said and you swallowed down the lump of guilt on your throat, heavily sighing as your whole entire body was screaming and begging you to go to sleep.

The man next to you noticed your drowsy state and exhaled as well. Your head kept falling downwards, only to immediately raise it back up and blink a few times. Without even noticing it, Sangyeon sat closer, and his hand raised to your cheek, cradling it as he gently pushed your head to the side. Your other cheek landed on his shoulder and you frowned, trying to move away as his hand didn’t leave your face.

“Rest Y/N,” he whispered, and you weakly smiled, now realising how your daughter fell asleep in a few minutes in his arms.

Only by resting on his shoulder, you could feel your body grow heavier and more comfortable. His body warmth mixed with his laundry scent and cologne were a surprisingly good mixture to lull you to sleep. Your eyes grew heavier, and you finally gave up, shutting them before falling asleep within the following seconds.

Sangyeon chuckled at your state, gently pushing you away to unfold his arm and wrap it around you, resting your head against his chest. His thumb rubbed in circular motions on your upper arm, sitting comfortably on your couch as you slept against him.

He threw a few glances towards you and you were heavily sleeping, smiling to himself as you unconsciously wrapped your arm around his middle. Maybe he was meant to enter your life and to be honest, he wasn’t willing to leave anytime soon.

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mainveyn · 3 years

Text

《 nebulous love 》suna rintarou x reader

wc : 1.6k

genre : absolute angst 💔

a/n : theres a lil scenario where u have to hide in the locker ik its abit weird but just assume that the locker is big enough for u to hide in there lolol

series : silent love ▪︎ unspoken love ▪︎ nebulous love ▪︎ ardent love

you wanted to walk up to him, hold his hand and congratulate him in person. you swear you really do. but you couldn't, not when a swamp of girls are surrounding him. he has a huge smile on him, unlike his usual deadpan expression. after all, this is a crucial match for his team and their victory is a big step for their upcoming spring high tournament. even he can break a smile that bright because of that. you told yourself it wasn't because of that girl who passed him a water bottle and snuggled at his arm like it's her spot to take.

"wait," you mumbled out unconsciously, because you found yourself ridiculous at being upset. who am i to be upset by that, you thought as you fiddled at the hem of your jacket with your eyes casted at the floor beneath. you decided you probably won't get to talk to him now. not after seeing him playfully pinched her cheek with so much affection. you walked out of the gym without a second thought, ignoring the fact that you met his eyes briefly and he tried to wave at you. you turn away like you didn't see him and suna didn't like that.

strolling through the hallways, you wondered if it's even necessary for you to be there when he has her. she looks a little too young for his taste, probably still a middle schooler but it's really none of your concern. all you know is the moment she is here, the world you shared with suna has broken apart. you expected that and you swear you tried your best to move on. you didn't think it was his fault that you caught feelings for him from the start, which is why you can never push him away. staying by his side while the pain eats you away becomes a routine now.

a soft tune rings through your pocket, a special ringtone you set for him. you received a text from suna about him telling you to wait at his clubroom, much to your confusion. even so, your feets take you to where he wants you to be without hesitation.

no one seems to be there as you step foot into the clubroom, noting how clean and tidy the place is right now. you assume everyone has left as you find yourself sitting on the bench in the clubroom, texting him back that you're already here. your reflection on the little mirror at the corner almost made you laugh at your pathetic self. just how easy it is for you to crawl back to him, your heart winces at your own bitter remarks and feel your breath stuck at your throat.

all thoughts are wiped out as you heard the door open, his eyes slightly brightened up at the sight of you. you mentally scold yourself for reading too much into it, but what he did next only throws you into another labyrinth of confusion. "so, what do you want me to come here for?" you enquired but he wordlessly linked his arms around you in a tight embrace. you feel his hot breath inches away from your cheeks before he snuggles into your hair to bask in your scents.

he pulled away a few seconds later as he cocked his eyebrows at you. "you didn't like the crowd so i thought it's better to talk here," his warm smile made all your words tied in your throat as you found yourself shaking under the pressure of your heartache. he only thinks of you as a friend, nothing more than what you felt for him. and yet his affections made you fall deeper into despair.

feets glued on the same spot, you couldn’t move a muscle and watch his smile slowly turn into a playful smirk. he mistaken your silence as being embarrassed and comments on how cute you are. he continued to tell you how happy he is for today’s matches, describing his blocks today are a total shutdown against their opponent with a slightly excited tone. his unusual enthusiasm instantly brought a smile upon you, genuinely felt happy for him as you resonated with him as a volleyball player as well.

but the rest of the conversation are drowned out of your mind as every second passes only makes it harder for your heart to continue beating. you instinctively have your right hand clutch onto your other arm out of anxiousness and he immediately spotted it. after all, he had spent so much time with you to know you like the palm of his hand. emerald eyes briefly scanned your feature until he completely stopped talking. he cupped his warm hands on your cheeks, inching closer to you as your back fully leaned against the lockers behind you now.

“you okay?” suna whispered in that tone again, a voice filled with so much love that you thought only you’re special enough to hear it. you shake your head with tears threatening to fall, attempting to shake his hands off of you too. as you tried to come up with an excuse for you to leave, he held your face on his palms again with a stern expression.

“y/n, you know you can always talk to me.” no, you didn’t want to deal with him now. not when you are not given enough time to prepare yourself and put up another fake smile to reassure him. he already has someone he loves. this isn't right. you knew that so you need to calm yourself down before reassuring him ―mostly yourself that you’re fine and content at just being his friend.

but no gods are here to hear your prayers today, you’re not given any chance to relieve the pain growing in your chest. not even a second after he released his hold on you, suna pulled you back abruptly by the back of your neck and pressed his lips against yours. your eyes widened and balled your fist on his jersey at the sudden contact. a mixture of hurt and joy flowing through you, but you wished all of these were just a dream.

his fingertips brushed past your face as he gently tilted your head to the other side to mold his lips with yours better. you should stop him but the way he touches and holds you is the only thing you want to savour right now. you don’t even want to think why is he doing this to you. everything feels perfect now, except for the growing ache in your heart because you knew this isn’t right. as selfish as it sounds, you want him to be yours and yours only. because he already owns your heart, without asking. it isn’t fair at all.

he released his grip on you but still lingered on your shoulder, waiting for your reaction. you tried to avoid his eyes, hair covering the side of your face as you moved further away from him. you heard him calling for you but what’s more terrifying right now is the loud bickering of the miya twins and their rushed footsteps echoed through the hallways.

you quickly shoot him a panicked look, and he only returns the same expression. just as atsumu violently twisted the door open, suna hastily opened up his locker and ushered you to hide in there. neither of you are in the right mind nor given sufficient time to think it through, so you comply without questioning. you scrambled into that dark little space, putting yourself into another void of misery.

“yer so annoyinー oi sunarin! why are yer still here?” atsumu rounded the corner, surprised that the brunette hadn't left the school like he usually would. suna shot him an annoyed look before telling the twins to leave him alone, pretending he was just chilling and scrolling through his phone all this while. osamu interjected, reminding him to get changed before kita found out and lectured him about it.

suna tried to act as normal as he could while keeping an eye on his locker, not wanting to drag this any longer. he didn’t show it but he want nothing more than to beat himself up now, grimaced at himself internally for making you suffer.

but you wouldn’t have known, not when you shrinked into the corner as you clung onto your knees like your life depended on it. tears pricking at the corner, you refused to let them fall as you hid your face on top of your knees. what am i even doing here? why do i even have to hide? those unanswered thoughts occupied your mind that you didn’t even notice the twins had left and suna had opened his lockers. the lights from outside slowly seeped through, exposing your vulnerable self right in front of him.

“y/n?” he finds his voice come out strained as he catches sight of your shoulder trembling. he tries to move closer to you but all it takes is a suppressed sob slipped out of you for him to back off.

not bothering to wipe off your uncontrollable tears, you attempt to stand up at your own effort. suna offers his hand only for you to reject it silently. his hand remained there, hoping that you'll take it like how you usually would as he watched you struggling to get on your feets.

“y/n,” he called out again, he will try as many times as it takes. as long as you’d just spare him a glance, he swore he won’t make you cry ever again. for the first time, he hates how he got too comfortable in his usual wordless interactions with you. because he has so much to tell you and you wouldn’t have known.

probably never as you began to run out of the clubroom, walking out of his life as well.

reblogs are very much appreciated <3

#suna x reader #suna x y/n #suna x you #suna fluff #suna angst #haikyuu suna

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stiltonbasket · 3 years

Note

(Is this where you submit prompts? I really dont know ^^💧) Prompt for the renouncement au: I don’t know why i love when gossip is involved, so maybe something about people’s opinions on wangxian’s marriage and how it slowly changes to a better perspective to the point that anyone who doubts their feelings for each other gets immediately shut down. And you could add some juniors shenanigans to make wangxian have that good of a reputation because i miss them </3. Thank you for your time and effort! (And sorry if this is not the place for the prompts, i will submit it again if you say so ^^’ )

(author’s note: please please reblog if you can, since that’s how we get prompts for future chapters!)

Lan Siyong considers himself one of the more moderate elders among the Lan sect.

He has been close friends with Lan Qiren from childhood, and he saw Lan Xichen and Lan Wangji grow up into the fine, upstanding men they are today. When the two of them were boys, he even had fond thoughts of attending their weddings, and watching them take on the most sacred of duties with glad, willing hearts.

Learning that Xichen would never wed had been a disappointment, but Lan Siyong rallied again when Lan Qiren confided the reason why the boy rejected marriage—chastity in an upstanding cultivator was to be lauded, especially in an age where Jin Guangshan had once demanded such high respect, and there could still be children born to Lan Huan if he decided to cultivate them. And of course, Wangji was there, and Lan Siyong knew from the first that he would be the kind of youth to fall in love deeply, at first sight, and remain passionately devoted to his mingding zhiren until he drew his last breath.

But then Lan Siyong had Wangji’s own sword turned upon him at the Burial Mounds, because the one that his many-times distant nephew loved so dearly was none other than Wei Wuxian.

“Qiren,” he says hoarsely, when the lotus-scented wedding invitations arrive from Lotus Pier. “You cannot let this happen—an unrighteous cultivator, one who spurned orthodoxy without remorse and led Wangji down such a dangerous path—”

“What has been done has been done,” Lan Qiren replies. “We have sent the bridewealth, and the marriage was contracted between Xichen and Jiang-zongzhu. All their terms have been agreed upon, and the date set.”

And then, after a brief pause: “He makes Wangji happy.”

Lan Siyong nearly cries. He does not attend the wedding, for fear of shaming Wangji with the open despair that appears on his face whenever he sees Wei Wuxian, and sends the newlywed couple the most expensive gift he can afford in an effort to do something useful.

Wei Wuxian is the one who writes him a letter in thanks. Lan Siyong almost has a qi deviation.

“You know,” one of the other elders mutters after the second wedding ceremony: namely, the ceremony held in the Cloud Recesses, since Jiang-zongzhu demanded that his brother should be married at Lotus Pier first. “Wei Wuxian refused to have a blessing for children spoken at the an chuang ceremony.”

“Gossip is forbidden,” Lan Haiyang says tranquilly. He stopped caring about practically everything after his son’s wife gave birth to the whirlwind that calls himself Lan Jingyi, so Lan Siyong has long since given up relying on him to fix any kind of sect turmoil. “And they already have two children. I have not seen a finer Lan disciple than Lan Sizhui in all my days.”

Lan Siyong is forced to concede this last. Wangji has two good children, even if the Yiling Patriarch is perhaps the most unsuitable person alive to raise them with him, and a couple’s choice to expand their family is up to them, and no others.

“He should at least have let the blessing be spoken, though.”

Lan Siyong does not disagree with this. Traditions are traditions, and surely even Wei Wuxian should know to respect them once in a while.

“It’s worse than I thought,” Lan Siyong murmurs, on a summer afternoon about six weeks after Wangji’s wedding. He passed Haiyang’s grandson and his friends on his way to the refectory that morning, and heard them discussing how heartbroken Wangji had looked upon hearing that Wei Wuxian did not return his love. “I ought not to have eavesdropped, but—poor Wangji!”

“Poor Wangji what?” Lan Haiyang asks, as if their little Lan Zhan being in trouble was all in another day’s work to him. “What’s happened to him now?”

“Wei Wuxian disavows Wangji’s love at every opportunity,” he replies dismally, going over to the refreshment table to drown his woes in chestnut cake and tea. “I fear for him, Haiyang. To love for so long, and to wed his beloved, and have children with him, and still…”

Lan Haiyang snorts into his tea.

“What do you mean by that?” demands Lan Siyong, more than a little offended. “Wangji is in distress! We must do something!”

His friend does not reply. Honestly, it’s as if no one remembers what Wangji suffered for Wei Wuxian’s sake. Lan Siyong even tries raising the issue with Lan Qiren, and then with Xichen, but all he gets in return for his pains is a tray of fresh-baked red bean buns from the hanshi and another cryptic comment about Wangji’s supposed happiness from Qiren.

Yet again, he is forced to leave his worries for another day, and try his best to follow rule three thousand, one hundred and sixty-two: that the affairs of a married couple should not be discussed by outsiders, even if they happen to be close, concerned family.

Lan Siyong thinks his hair might be turning white by now.

And then, in early winter, Lan Siyong is roused from his bed one night and told that Wei Wuxian has gone missing. He joins the search party that Wangji leads, and follows him to a dark house in the woods with the Ghost General leading the way—and then he watches as Wangji kills at least a dozen men in an effort to reach his husband, whom they find unconscious in a cave beneath the house with corpse bites dotting every visible inch of his skin.

Lan Siyong nearly weeps as he hears Wangji’s desperate whispers to his beloved on the way back to Gusu, and watches him hold Wei Wuxian close while refusing help from anyone who offers.

Let him live, Lan Siyong prays silently, when Wei Wuxian is carried into the infirmary with Wangji at his side. Please, for Wangji’s sake, let Wei-gongzi live.

“Qiren?”

A few days after the news about Wangji’s soon-to-be-born daughter is made public (public being a subjective word, since ceremony preceding the birth of a third child is unnecessary, and Wei Wuxian had said that he would rather wait until the baby arrives to make a formal announcement) Lan Siyong discovers Lan Qiren in one of the common rooms, sitting at a writing desk with his head buried in his hands. It’s a strange thing to see his friend do, since Lan Qiren has not looked so distressed since those three dark years after Wangji’s sentencing, and he hardly even looks up when Lan Siyong lays a hand on his shoulder.

“It was just four weeks ago that Wei Ying was kidnapped and confined in that dungeon,” Lan Qiren says blankly, after he registers Lan Siyong’s presence and turns around to greet him. “If he—oh, heavens—”

Two weeks later, Lan Siyong requests a week’s leave from teaching to attend the trials of Wei Wuxian’s kidnappers, who are being held under Nie-zongzhu’s jurisdiction in the Unclean Realm. He has always believed himself to be a gentle man, but when the only sentences dealt are life imprisonment and execution, Lan Siyong’s heart is strangely devoid of any pity. All he can think of are the corpse bites he saw on Wei Wuxian’s face and throat, and a baby girl who nearly perished with her father before she had the chance to take her first breath.

On his way back to the Cloud Recesses, he purchases a bolt of thick cream-colored silk with fine sky-blue embroidery and brings it to Wangji as a gift after the next monthly sect meeting.

“Xinhua-jun will need wider-cut robes before long,” he says, when his nephew gives him a curious glance before bowing low in thanks. “Zewu-jun has told us all that he and the child are in good health, and that the little one is growing well. All of our good wishes go with them both, and we pray that you should not hesitate to rely on us in the months to come if it should be needed.”

Wangji’s eyes go soft. “Thank you, San-shushu. It is much appreciated.”

Lan Siyong gets his first chance to hold Wei Shuilan at the baby’s full-moon ceremony, while Wangji and Wei Wuxian are running back and forth through the banquet hall to greet the arriving guests, and seize the first trusted elder they can reach to watch little A-Lan for a moment. At first, Lan Siyong merely stands by her cradle to keep an eye on her, but then she seems to sense her parents’ absence, so he picks her up and jogs her up and down to keep her from crying; and then he begins to hum softly beside her tiny ear, soothing the baby back to sleep by the time Wei Wuxian returns.

“My good Lan-bao,” Wei Wuxian croons, cradling the child to his chest before rearranging her crumpled swaddling clothes. “Such a good baobei, to take your nap even with so much going on! Just like your A-Die, thank goodness, and not like your A-Niang.”

Curious, Lan Siyong clears his throat. “What do you mean, Wei-gongzi?”

Wei Wuxian laughs. “I never sleep properly at night, but Lan Zhan always falls asleep at hai shi, even if he isn’t in bed yet,” he says, with his voice so full of love for the newborn child in his arms and the husband who gave her to him that Lan Siyong feels strangely humbled. “A-Lan’s just like him that way.”

At that moment, Wangji appears with a plate of cut fruit and lotus cake before presenting it to Wei Wuxian. “Here, Wei Ying. Give A-Lan to me, and eat your lunch.”

“Lunch?” Wei Wuxian asks, confused. “But we’re having the banquet in just an hour.”

“You have been having your luncheon at this time for the past six months,” Wangji says stubbornly. “I will not have you going hungry even for a minute, xingan.”

“Lan Zhan, sweetheart…”

Thank heaven they found each other again, Lan Siyong thinks, slipping away to find Lan Qiren with a rising lump of tears in his throat. I do not think anyone else could have ever made Wangji so happy.

#wangxian #the untamed #mo dao zu shi #renouncement verse #wangxian arranged marriage au #my fic #god this was long #BUT THIS WAS SUCH A GOOD PROMPT ;_;#<3

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mysoftboybensolo · 3 years

Text

The Alienist and the Soprano

Chapter 12: The Courtship

A/N: This was inspired by Laszlo’s love of opera and my thought on what if he fell for an opera singer. Multi chapter. Canon divergence, there is no Mary Palmer here (I loved Mary and Laszlo, so I don’t feel like I could have her here and have him be with another woman). A mix of show and book canons. No Y/N, OC named Evelina Lind.

A03: https://archiveofourown.org/works/32029150

Pairing: Laszlo Kreizler x Fem OC!

Summary: The last thing Laszlo Kreizler ever expected while investigating the death of children was to fall in love, and with an opera singer no less!

Warnings: Age gap, questioning of a relationship, but it gets resolved, hints of John x Sara (more of them will come in later chapters).

Laszlo didn’t quite know what to do when it came to courting. He himself had been so inexperienced in love and more so with social interactions that he feared that he’ll make one wrong move and ruin everything. It was one of those moments where he had to admit he knew nothing about the subject and must turn to someone who did.

John would never have thought in a million years that Laszlo would ever some to him for advice, and certainly not of the romantic kind. To see Laszlo looking rather on edge and uncertain gave John a small feeling of enjoyment as the roles have now been reversed, but he did not keep his friend suffering for long and entered the den.

“Thank you for meeting with me,” Laszlo spoke, “Especially on short notice.”

“That is probably the first time you had ever said that to me in all the years we’ve known each other. You must need my help badly.”

“I fear that I do. I-I have asked Evelina if I may officially court her.”

John’s eyes brightened with joy. “Laszlo, that is wonderful! She is indeed a remarkable woman.”

Laszlo smiled and nodded in agreement. “I have never felt this way about anyone, and I am afraid. I am afraid that I shall say or do something wrong and after everything that had happened in the previous days, the last thing I would want to do is cause any further scandal.”

John chuckled and teased, “If you want her to be scandal free, then she picked the wrong man.” John quickly realized what a mistake his choice of words was as he saw the visible hurt in his friend’s eyes. “I am sorry, I was only joking. It is amusing to see you like this though, because last I recall you had some choice words about love. Dull, no more than a mystery than cholera.”

He watched as Laszlo’s mood lightened as he recalled back on his own words and shook his head. “And I did believe them. Or at least, I wanted to believe them. She changed my mind. John,” he asked in a somber tone, “Do you think I am wrong to do this?”

John stared at him perplexed. “What do you mean?”

“It’s just, I am forty and she is just shy of her twenty-fifth birthday, a whole life ahead of her full of possibilities, and I feel like I am taking something away from her, especially with…” He doesn’t say the words, but his habitual gesture of left hand gripping the right wrist finished the sentence.

“Laszlo,” John sighed, “You two are not the first couple to have a difference in age, and many more have had even larger gaps then you do. And I resent the idea of you being too old, because it means I am as well, and I should like to think I am not too old for love!”

Laszlo offered a small smile, but a part of him knew that his relationship did mirror a bit with John’s feelings towards Sara, even though John was with Violet. That was something that Laszlo felt grateful in, not to be a situation where he is tied to one but loves another.

“And by now, she knows about your arm,” John continued, “I am sure that if she had thought less of you because of it, she would have left. Let us be honest, if she hadn’t left after her first meeting of you, then I am certain she is never going to leave. And I shall now share with you a lesson that I had learned a rather difficult way; never tell a woman what to feel, even if you do think she ought to feel differently.” John reached over and placed a friendly hand on Laszlo’s shoulder and grinned. “No one deserves to be happier than you, after everything that has happened, you deserve it. Take it, my friend, and enjoy it.”

Laszlo was touched by these words and knew John meant it. “Thank you. It means a lot to me that you’d say that.”

“My god, Laszlo,” John chuckled, “If being in love placates you, then you must do it more often.”

“I intend to. But what do I do? I mean, what is it that people do when they court?”

John explained the socially proper rules of courting, such as never be alone with her without someone being there, places where they be together, gifts you can and cannot give, etc. Many of these rules made Laszlo roll his eyes, for they were built on patriarchal beliefs that did more harm than good, but overall, when he left John’s place, he felt comfortable to move forward in the relationship.

Evelina had felt herself on cloud nine, for it felt that everything was falling into place at last. The feeling of his kiss still lingered on her lips and it was like a drug that had prolonged effects, for even the stares and whispers that people made when she passed them hadn’t even bothered her. The party at the Roosevelt’s tonight should be able to help with that, especially with Edith Roosevelt in your corner, who had happily accepted Evelina into the party as soon as she saw her.

“Oh, my dear, you are just the loveliest creature ever, love suits you very well.”

Evelina blushed and asked, “Is it obvious?”

“Beautifully so. He’s over by the fireplace, his usual spot in events such as this,” Edith said, giving her a coy smile, knowing she’d want to go to him.

Because of how late the rehearsals went, Evelina had told Laszlo to go on ahead and she’ll meet him there, so this was the first they would see each other after the kiss, and they came together sweetly and shyly. “Good evening, Laszlo, did you sleep well?”

“Quite well, I had the most pleasant dream,” he softly spoke, looking down at her with such a tender love that he could see reflected in her eyes.

“A result from a rather wonderful moment from the previous night?” she asked, knowing full well that was the reason why, she just wanted to hear him say it.

“There can be no other reason.”

The party went extremely well, and Evelina had to say that Laszlo was a good sport, she knew how uncomfortable he can get at social events, which was partially the reason why he stuck close to Evelina. The other reason was because he just adored her so. It was quite apparent to everyone in the room by the end of the night, and many thought it a good match; economically, she will be married to a man who is one of the wealthiest people in New York, socially, he is less irritable when around her. Personally, they loved each other so much.

Laszlo was indeed right, people would move on from one scandal to another, as a week later it was revealed that a prominent society lady was having an affair with her stable hand, and everyone went mad over it. People still looked down at her for her profession, but she brought up a good point during one of their meetings, of how despite people looking down at the profession, they still come to her to hear the music they love.

“It comes from a need to control and a deeper level of jealously,” Laszlo said, “If they see someone that they can put down, then they will as it will make themselves feel important. But they also know that they need that person to provide a need they cannot get themselves, which can cause a sense of jealously and hostility and make them react in such a way. They try to convince themselves that the ones lesser than them need the higher class to survive, but the truth is, the society needs the workers more than the workers need them.” Laszlo opened his mouth to continue, but he noticed how Evelina looked at him and wondered if he spoke too much. “I’m sorry. I tend to go on rambling about such things.”

“Don’t apologize, it was fascinating. I like hearing you speak about such things; it only teaches me something new, but to see you go on about something that you enjoy, it makes me happy.”

Often people have told Laszlo that they didn’t care about his work, that his ramblings about facts, big or small, were not so interesting, and to hear that she not only enjoys it, but likes how it makes him happy, well, that made him even happier.

What made their courtship so different from everyone else’s was how open they were with one another. Laszlo certainly made it no secret that he did not approve of the standard norms of society, which is why he did things so differently, and while to some it would be an improper error, Evelina felt that they should not have to hide how they felt. Most unions were made for the sole purpose of advancement in society, but this one was an affair of the heart. But despite how they felt about these rules, they also knew that there were some rules that could not be breeched. Laszlo visited her when he knew Sara was home to “keep watch” over the pair, which meant she’d be in the next room typing away at her machine while Laszlo and Evelina had the freedom of being alone.

Mrs. Vidal had also played chaperone at the opera, watching with a careful but affectionate eye as Laszlo visited after the show. The first time he came by was after the premiere of Roméo and Juliette, having watched her fall in love, despair and die, all so tragically and beautifully. He looked down at her from his box with incredible pride and adoration, and what he couldn’t believe was that at the end of the show, when she was giving her final curtain call, she looked up at him and gave a small but noticeable gesture of blowing a kiss to him. No one else caught it, between the gesture being subtle and they so enraptured, but Laszlo noticed, and it warmed his heart.

He went down to her dressing room after the show, pushing through the usual crowd of admirers and was allowed the privilege of a private audience with the prima donna.

“Laszlo!” she happily exclaimed, rushing to wrap her arms around him, which caused him to gasp but chuckle as he returned the hug. “Did you like the show?” she asked with her face pressed against his chest.

“Oh, meine liebe, you were perfection itself.”

She pulled back enough to look up at him, with a look of pleasant surprise. “Laszlo, do you realize that you just called me by a term of endearment?”

He thought back and then apologized. “Oh, I hadn’t realized. I am sorry if you don’t like it.”

“Oh no!” she disagreed cheerfully, “I love it. I like to be called your love. But what shall I call you?”

Laszlo chuckled at her sweetness, “Whatever you like, I suppose.”

“It’ll come to me. Such a thing must come naturally, as it did with you. The company is having a party, Delmonico’s, your favorite. Please be my escort?”

He kissed her hand and declared it to be a pleasure and left her to get ready as he waited in the hall. Evelina watched as Laszlo pushed through the crowd and couldn’t help but to laugh at the thought of him getting lost in the crowd.

Maria, still in her nurse costume, was pushing through the crowd of men when she bumped into Dr. Kreizler was confused as to why he was down here. Managing to get through, she entered the room and quickly went to Evelina who was laying on the couch with her eyes closed. “Evelina, are you alright?”

Evelina opened her eyes and sat up with a smile. “Yes, shouldn’t I be?”

“Well, no, of course not, but I saw the doctor leave and I was worried.”

Evelina got up and went to her vanity with a smile. “No, I am perfectly well. Better than well, actually.”

“Good. Listen, I was thinking of us entering Delmonico’s in style. Be fashionably late and-”

Evelina gently interrupted and said, “I am sorry, Maria. But I am going with someone else.”

Maria was at first disappointed, then she perked up when a thought came to her. “Is it the same man of whom you have feelings for?”

Evelina began to wipe the stage makeup off as she nodded. “Yes. We managed to finally express our feelings for each other and he’ll be taking me tonight.”

“Well, don’t leave me in suspense, who is it?”

She opened her mouth to answer, but then closed it. “No, you’ll laugh.”

“Laugh, why would I laugh? Evie,” Maria placed both hands on her friend’s shoulders, making her look at her, “I promise, if I laugh, I’ll lend you my ruby and pearl earrings for the evening. Now, please, tell me?”

Evelina sighed, then said, “It’s Dr. Kreizler.”

Maria paused for a moment, her hands slipped from Evelina’s shoulders and a quizzical look came over her features. “Dr. Kreizler. The alienist?” Maria watched as Evelina nodded. “Huh.”

“Oh, stop it, I know you want to laugh,” Evelina muttered, standing as she tossed her towel on the vanity.

“No, not at all. I am perplexed, to say the least. He is indeed quite good looking and is more well off than Mr. Moore could ever hope to be, and he is older, but so is Moore. It’s just, well, Dr. Kreizler always just seems so…distant and harsh, and you two seem so different from one another. What on earth do you see in the man?”

Evelina’s face softened and an almost dreamy haze overcame her. “Oh, if you only knew. He puts on the air of being steely strong and mean, yet, if you could see him with the children, he’s remarkable, tender, loving. He suffered but only wants to help others avoid what he went through. He’s witty, humorous, brave. And his thinking is so modern, so unlike most men I have known. He believes in women having just as much rights as men, including holding their own jobs and casting votes. He’s wonderful.”

Maria whistled. “Well, in that case, I may just fall in love with him myself.”

“Hands off, I saw him first,” Evelina teased, smiling back at Maria.

“Oh, all right. I suppose I’ll have to settle for Ramon, the tenor,” Maria teased back. Then her smiled turned tender and asked, “But, you are happy with him? Truly?”

Evelina nodded. “Yes, incredibly so. We may not be so similar, but we are similar in where is counts.”

“And that is all that matters,” chimed in Mrs. Vidal. “It’s rather best you do not end up with someone who is completely like you, otherwise, neither of you will push the other to do better, and on the bad days, you’ll hate the flaws of yourself that you see reflected in the other. Dr. Kreizler is a fine man and any man who would risk his life the way he did for you, that is a man worth keeping.” Giving her a kiss on the cheek, Mrs. Vidal said, “You are very lucky, some of us never find the right one, enjoy him while you can.”

Maria smiled, seeing her friend looking so happy was wonderful, especially after the horror she had to endure, and if it was a man like Kreizler, who not only came to her aid but also made Evelina smile, then it was worth it. “Hear, hear! And speaking of, I should leave you to get dressed, can’t keep him waiting.” Maria stood and bopped the end of Evelina’s nose. “I am very happy for you. I’ll, see you at the party,” she called out from over her shoulder.

As Evelina got ready, all she could think of was how lucky she was that not only did she find a good man to love, but that the dearest people in her life liked him too. She almost wept to think that her parents could not be alive to have met him, but she knew that they would have liked him and would have wanted her to be happy. And she knew that she’ll never stop having her heart skip a beat, for when she stepped out after changing and saw him standing there, waiting for her, it was like falling in love all over again.

If people had not known that Laszlo and Evelina were a couple, then tonight had put everything to rest. People stared amazed at the sight of Laszlo walking Evelina into Delmonico’s, especially the opera company, who never saw this coming. It was of course not an unusual practice of a singer taking on the patronage of a wealthy person, but they of all the months that they had spent working alongside Evelina, she never seemed to be the kind to do this sort of thing. The highbrows of society had simply nodded their heads and declared that they had fully expected this of her.

But what changed it from being simply seen as an arrangement to an honest to goodness courtship was seeing that the pair had matched in their flowers; in his lapel, was a lovely boutonniere of violets which matched the same corsage she wore pinned to the front of her dress. It was a spur of the moment decision, as they had passed a flower seller on their way and picked matching flowers that had a very strong and important meaning “faithfulness”.

At this point, they both decided that society could look at them with judgmental glares and harsh whispers all they want, but nothing was going to stop this miraculous feeling of being in love. And if anyone did, Sara would happily get into a fisticuff with the person, as she strongly vowed to the pair. As much as she was very happy to see them together, it did make her feel a little left out, and her gaze fell to John, with a sense of longing that she never could allow herself to admit. It was hard not to see herself reflected in Evelina and her relationship with Laszlo, after all, it was what Sara had imagined being with John might be like.

But it was too late.

Tagging: @monsieurbruhl, @cazzyimagines @scuttle-buttle @violetmuses @flutterskies @sokoviandelights @rumblelibrary @fictionlandslanddreams @somethingthatsaysbubbles @alindeluce and @barnesxnobles

#the alienist #laszlo kreizler #daniel bruhl #daniel brühl #fanfiction

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nothing-more-than-hot-leaf-juice · 4 years

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Hi fren! Been following ur blog for a while and honestly I love it! I was wondering if I can get ur thoughts on something :)) remember in sozins comet when Iroh refused to fight ozai becuz “history will see it as more violence, a brother killing a brother to gain power” but then cue to Azula and Zuko who are fighting for the throne and it’s fine?? with them?? doesn’t that count as more violence as well? Thank if you ever come across this :D

Okay, first off, I think it needs to be clarified what Iroh actually said in that scene in regards to sending Zuko to defeat Azula because the two situations are very different and everyone involved knew that. The exchange went as such:

Zuko: Uncle, you’re the only person other than the Avatar who can possibly defeat the fatherlord.... we need you to come with us.

Iroh: No Zuko, it won’t turn out well.

Zuko: You can beat him. And we’ll be there to help.

Iroh: Even if I did defeat Ozai, and I don’t know that I could, it would be the wrong way to end the war. History would see it as more senseless violence: a brother killing a brother to gain power. The only way for this war to end peacefully is if the Avatar defeats the Firelord.

(dialogue, etc.)

Iroh: Zuko, you must return to the Fire Nation, so that when the Firelord falls, you can assume the throne and restore peace and order. But Azula will be there waiting for you.

When I see the argument that Iroh sending Zuko after Azula was hypocritical, I think it ignores the reality of the situation and the pragmatic approach. Because Iroh was absolutely correct throughout this whole exchange. Here were the facts as of this point:

1. Iroh and Zuko were declared traitors and could not legally assume the throne once Ozai was defeated, meaning Azula would assume the throne by default.

2. By this point in the series, Azula had shown at every point that she was just as enthusiastic about waging war and had shown no remorse for the suffering of the Earth Kingdom at the hands of the Fire Nation. She was particularly enthusiastic about the two major affronts against the Earth Kingdom: conquering Ba Sing Se and using Sozin’s Comet to burn down the Earth Kingdom.

3. Azula was the one who had the idea for the ‘let’s use the comet to burn down the Earth Kingdom’ plan in the first place and was proud of that plan. If Ozai was defeated, she would have used her position to go through with the plan anyway.

Realistically, this situation is in no way ideal, but the reality is that Azula did need to be stopped from assuming the throne. Make no mistake, if she had the opportunity to do so, she would have been at Ozai’s side burning down the Earth Kingdom instead of staying in the Fire Nation. She was dangerous and needed to be stopped and that was evident from her actions throughout the entire series.

And the situations of Zuko defeating Azula and Iroh defeating Ozai are completely different, mainly because it was never Zuko or Iroh’s intention for Zuko to kill Azula like everyone else was planning with Ozai. The intent with Zuko going after Azula was to stop her from being crowned, which was a thing that needed to be stopped, otherwise, the war would have continued. And Iroh was absolutely correct in his assumptions: Zuko and Katara arrived in the Fire Nation just before Azula was crowned Firelord. And in the end, as we all know, they didn’t kill her, they just removed her as a threat so Zuko could assume the throne. There is a difference between taking out an actively harmful force in a position of absolute authority (Ozai) and stopping a harmful force from taking a position of absolute authority (Azula).

There’s also the facts that 1. Iroh had his own history as a general who held siege on Ba Sing Se for 600 days, allegedly committed war crimes, and wasn’t exactly well regarded in the Earth Kingdom. 2. Like he said, a fight between Iroh and Ozai was not one that had a clear victor. Iroh was not the right person to defeat Ozai, Aang was, for many reasons. (There’s also the fact that Iroh’s arc came full circle as he freed the city he once laid siege on, but that has less to do with the pragmatic rationale behind the match ups and more to do with thematic purposes.)

And this is a thing that also bothers me. There’s an argument that Iroh failed Azula and that part of the reason she was how she was fell on him and I don’t think that’s fair. And this post by @withyoutilltheendofthecredits articulates why:

the ideas “azula was a victim of abuse who was manipulated and hurt by ozai” and “azula had a hand in a lot of trauma for zuko due to her awful treatment of him” can and should coexist

I think it’s important to keep in mind whenever we talk about Iroh, Azula, and Zuko how their dynamic was in season 2. Firstly, Iroh’s priority through this show was to keep Zuko safe. In season 1, he wasn’t so much there to actively help Zuko find Aang (and on multiple occasions seemed to work against Zuko’s mission), but rather was there to stop Zuko from making stupid decisions that would get him killed while offering emotional support and training him to be a better firebender. Does he actually want Zuko to kidnap the Avatar and return to his awful, abusive father? No. But he does want Zuko to have something that gives him hope, something that keeps him going. And Iroh’s priority is to be there to make sure this kid doesn’t do anything too reckless.

In season 2, Zuko technically no longer has his mission as he’s deemed an enemy of the Fire Nation and Iroh more explicitly works to help his nephew mentally and emotionally extricate himself from the family members that hurt him. At the beginning of the season when Zuko is excited about going home after Azula lies to them, Iroh voices his suspicion because unlike Zuko, who’s still holding onto the idea that he can win his father’s love, Iroh is able to look at the situation objectively and knows that if Zuko goes home, he’s not going to be safe and he is not going to be met with any sort of love.

Zuko: Did you listen to Azula? Father’s realized how important family is. He cares about me.

Iroh: I care about you!

And through the rest of the season, Iroh tries his best to take advantage of their new freedom by showing Zuko that he does deserve control of his own life, happiness, and unconditional love. He’s trying his best to help him through this difficult time because part of Zuko’s emotional struggle in this is reconciling with the fact that no, his father doesn’t want him, at all. When he was banished, he had the ‘if I get the Avatar I can go home’ thing to cling onto, but Iroh and everyone else knew that Ozai never actually intended for Zuko to succeed or return. So Zuko has to deal with that in season 2 and doesn’t get to that point, he still tries to capture Aang and he still joins Azula in Crossroads of Destiny because he’s not ready to let that little bit of hope that he could return home go. It isn’t until he takes a stand against Ozai with the “it was cruel and it was wrong” speech that he really discovers who he is and what he wants and the main reason he’s able to come to that conclusion is because of Iroh’s treatment of him in season 2.

In season 2, Iroh not only protects Zuko from physical harm and takes care of him in regards to sickness, food, and water, but tries to drill into his head that he didn’t deserve the treatment from his father and shouldn’t throw his life away trying to please him. That he can have and deserves a peaceful life. And Zuko keeps going down the self destructive path because he’s been convinced for so long that him proving himself to his father is more important than his personal safety or happiness. Iroh just wants him to put himself before the man that abused him. He hates it that Zuko almost gets himself killed multiple times for the sake of Ozai. There’s their talk in The Avatar Day and their fight in Lake Laogai that bring this to the forefront:

Iroh: Even if you did capture the Avatar, I’m not so sure it would solve all our problems.

Zuko: Then there is no hope at all

Iroh: No Zuko, you must never give into despair.

Iroh: And then what?! You never think these things through. This is exactly what happened when you tried to capture the Avatar at the North Pole. You had him and then you had nowhere to go.

Zuko: I would have figured something out.

Iroh: No! If his friends hadn’t found you, you would have frozen to death!

Zuko: I know my own destiny.

Iroh: Is it your own destiny? Or is it a destiny someone else has tried to force on you?

And as Iroh acts as Zuko’s protector and tries to break him away from his self destructive mentality, how does Azula fit into that? Here are the interactions between Azula, Zuko, and Iroh in season 2:

Azula trying to take Zuko and Iroh as prisoners to the Fire Nation with no remorse

Azula attempting to shoot lightning at Zuko in the first episode of season 2 and Zuko only being saved by Iroh redirecting it at the last second

Azula shooting Iroh and seriously injuring him (it could have been lighting, but I think it was just fire)

Azula trying to capture Iroh and Zuko in Ba Sing Se and succeeding

Azula manipulating Zuko into going back to Ozai

Objectively, Azula is a threat against Zuko’s safety and there’s a good chance she would have killed him in the first episode of season 2 if Iroh hadn’t stopped her. He knows exactly how dangerous she is and made the decision that he was going to do what it took to keep Zuko safe, which he did. With this exchange in Bitter Work.

This isn’t Iroh saying ‘I have no sympathy for my niece whatsoever and am choosing to ignore her’. This is Iroh saying ‘Azula has proven herself to be an objective and real threat and I need to keep Zuko safe from her.’ And he was correct. I feel like this stance is reasonable when the last two times she saw them she tried to shoot Zuko with lightning and actually shot Iroh.

And the reality of the situation is that Iroh shouldn’t have had to be the one to raise Zuko or Azula. He wasn’t their parent and he shouldn’t have had to be responsible for them. Ideally, Ozai should have been the one to do that, but that wasn’t the reality of the situation. And Iroh was faced with a choice: go with Zuko who was banished, injured, and lost, or stay with Azula who was not in a good home with a good influence, but who was still the favored, prodigy princess. He had a choice of which kid to stand behind and I think it’s fair to say that Zuko needed Iroh more when he was banished.

Ideally, there shouldn’t have been a choice for Iroh. Ideally, Iroh shouldn’t have had to raise his nephew. Ideally, Azula should have had a better parental influence who didn’t encourage her violent streak. But it was by no means an ideal situation. Azula was dangerous and remorseless and Iroh was entirely correct when he saw her rising to power and realized ‘if she isn’t stopped now, there is no telling what she’s going to do’. Because he knows exactly who raised her.

#hot leaf meta #atla #avatar the last airbender #azula #iroh #zuko #tw: abuse #the babes are asking

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