#just how much trauma and fear and isolation and whatever else they had to fight and conquer to become the ‘heroes’ they are | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

yanderes-galore · 1 month

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Ugh, Panther I don't know what exact time you'll be getting this ask but as if now it is not the 2nd in my time zone. But I don't have any time tomorrow so I hope its okay to send something earlier. If not, please feel free to ignore!

I just need *sucks in breath and clenched fist* Yandere Gojo from JJK with the prompts 14. , 34. and possibly 35.

with someone who has sorcerer powers but has grown outside of the jujutsu society? They fight because they genuinely wanna help people and Gojo introduced them to the school to be a teacher too - in hopes to get another strong ally but uh oh he got obsessed. Like, he does not want to lose you like he lost Geto and maybe you'll grow to understand him too. so imo the prompts work well. Can either be platonic or romantic I think he can be both!

Thank you!

Sure, friend! I hope this is to your taste :) I really hope he isn't too OOC or anything. There was no plot structure here 😮‍💨... I just followed the direction my mind guided me.

He's a subtle yandere here Ig.

Yandere! Satoru Gojo Prompts 14, 34, 35

"It's too dangerous in the world. You need me, you should know that!"

"No one else understands me except you!"

"Don't push me away, dear... I only want to be closer to you!"

Pairing: Romantic/Platonic

Possible Trigger Warnings: Gender-Neutral Darling, Obsession, Fear of attachment/loss, Trauma implied, Clingy behavior, Overprotective behavior, Controlling behavior, Soft yandere, Threats near the end, Dubious companionship/relationship.

It had been a long while since Gojo had found someone he could relate to in some way. The companionship wasn't quite what Gojo had with Geto long before... but it was close. You were strong... yet so isolated from the rest.

A familiar feeling to him.

Gojo could tell you were a strong Sorcerer when you entered the school for a job. As expected... Gojo wanted to test you to see if you were right for the job. By the end of your examination... you were approved.

Leaving Gojo curious and excited.

In Gojo's eyes, strong allies were important in the field. It's what he strives to find and teach. Strength has always been important to protect the weak.

Gojo at first hated how interested he was in you. Yet you were so mysterious... according to you, you never went to Jujutsu High to learn your craft. Which leaves Gojo baffled on your strength.

You aren't stronger than him, far from it, but you are certainly strong and full of potential. During your job, Gojo often checked in with you. Many students never really saw Gojo away from you for long.

He was always playful and laid-back with you. Safe to say you both get along well as teachers. Perhaps even too well...

Gojo realizes he's too attached when the worry starts to settle deep within him.

The bond you share reminds him a lot of Geto. Too much, actually. Such a thought makes him pained.

Gojo's concern grows, even as he offers to train you. You're a teacher skilled in your craft. Gojo really shouldn't be worried.

But... are you handling the new environment well? You seemed like you lived an isolated lifestyle. Does the city bother you?

Gojo despises the worries he has. All leftover emotions from when he was a teen. He... just can't help himself, however.

You always care so much for others. As a teacher and Jujutsu Sorcerer, you end up sacrificing whatever you can to see students and friends safe. It's honorable...

But Gojo doesn't wish to lose another he's close to... not when he finally feels he has someone who gets him.

Such behavior makes Gojo stick around more often. To the point you even begin to wish he left you alone. Despite being a strong Sorcerer similar to him, Gojo also seemed to treat you like you couldn't defend yourself.

You didn't respect him babying you... it was an insult to your skills.

"Don't push me away, dear... I only want to be closer to you!" Gojo whines, a frown on his face as you sit in your empty classroom. You snort, amused that he acts like a child while treating you like one. You have no idea what's gotten into your friend and ally as of late.

"Gojo, I don't wish to speak with you." You state in a stern tone.

"Why?" Gojo replies, walking over to lean on your desk. He's as casual as ever it seems.

"You've been awfully... suffocating." You admit bluntly. "I am an adult who can handle themselves."

"... not in this world." Gojo sighs, gaze never once leaving yours behind his glasses. He notices your unamused look and straightens his posture.

"It's too dangerous in the world. You need me, you should know that." Gojo frowns. "The city has way more curses running around than where you came from."

"I can handle them." You retort.

"And if you can't?" Gojo responds, staring you down. Something about his staring unnerves you. You're silent, Gojo oddly going back to smiling after you stop arguing.

"I'm the strongest, you should really just let me take care of things for you. It would be much... safer." Gojo's tone is oddly relieved and gleeful.

"... Gojo... you can't be there for me all the time." You try to reason.

"Says who?" Gojo frowns. "No one else understands me except you! Am I just supposed to sit back and lose you?"

His words and lack of composure surprise you. Gojo's quick to fix his sudden outburst, however, sitting beside you and holding your hand. It's an action of comfort...

But you can tell there's a pained expression in his usually playful eyes.

"... just listen to me, okay?" Gojo whispers, looking back at you as his grip tightens. "You'll be safe if you just... keep me close."

"Gojo-" You try to speak, but Gojo covers your mouth.

"I don't care how strong you are... I'm stronger. If you don't let me protect you..."

Gojo's grin turns... unsettling. A twisted show of teeth that makes it look like he'll snap. You swore he even chuckled. Your heart beats faster when he leans closer.

"I may just have to keep you all to myself no matter the cost... that way you'd be safe and I can't lose you. How's that sound?"

#yandere jjk #yandere jujutsu kaisen #yandere satoru gojo #yandere gojo

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midnighttheroies · 1 year

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Helluva Boss Theory “Stolas and Blitzo Relationship, How Will It Progress”

i did very smilar post like this awhile ago talking about stolas and blitzo relationship, on where it’s is right now, their history, and what they need to do in order to progress, but i wanted to theorize on how the relationship will progress in the seasons and episodes to come

Brief Rundown

their relationship at the current moment is not healthy for either party involve, blitzo has alot, and i mean ALOT of issues with intimacy and love, he’s afraid to be vulnerable and let himself love someone so he pushes people away and hurts them as a way to protect himself from getting hurt, he literally sabotaged his relationship with verosika, this is his coping mechanism to avoid getting hurt

stolas is different yet has the same issues, he wants intimacy, he wants love, and he wants to be loved, to be saved by his prince charming, but he doesn’t know how to get it, all of his relationships he’s been nothing but a pawn for people to use and play with expect for his daughter, even blitz in the past and now only uses him because he’s useful, stolas doesn’t know how to get love or how to reciprocate it properly without making it seem like it’s just about sex

not to mention their mental states at the current moment, blitz has a lot of trauma with him and he’s not coping with it in a healthy way, he’s destructive with all of his relationships and literally holds so much resentment and self-hatred for himself that he truly believes he only hurts the people he loves in his life and that their better off without him, just look at the pictures in his house, all his faces are crossed off, he doesn’t value himself at all, which is why it was esy in the beginning to have sex with stolas, because it didn’t mean anything, but then they started to catch feelings, and it started to freak blitzo out, because he’s afraid of loving people, he’s afraid to love stolas because he doesn’t want to get attached and hurt

stolas mental state isn’t really any better, for one, he’s been raised as a kid to be useful, or else he’s worthless, his dad only ever cared or shown him attention was when it involved him getting his royal duties done, essentially he was using him for whatever he was useful for, which defiantly put his self-esteem down at such a young age, and his toxic abusive relationship with stella put his mental state even worse, he was abused both mentally and physically, and couldn’t get out due it being an arranged marriage, and that can really fuck up someone’s mental state horribly

stolas was raised to never voice his thoughts or have an opinion, that his voice didn’t matter and that he was only good for whatever he was useful for, he was basically shamed to be himself, he was literally caged, and yes while he is privilege in life, being rich and from loyalty, he truly has nothing, he has nobody by his side expect for his daughter, he’s completely and utterly alone

it wasn’t until the cheating and after the ozzie’s incident is where stolas finally had the courage to stand up to stella and demand a divorce, and you can tell from stella’s face when he caught her hand that he had never, ever tried to stop her from doing that before, typically in abusive relationships, the victim never really fights back out of fear of escalating the situation any further, and this is very true in stolas case, before that moment, he never tried to fight back, he tried to keep things level headed and calm

another reason why abuse victims don’t leave is because they feel trapped, isolated and think that the abuse is normal, and this all true, the marriage was arranged against his will, of course he had no way to get out at the time, he was also isolated due to having no support system and was trapped even more because of octavia, i have no doubt in my mind that stella would’ve used octavia against him had he try to get a divorce sooner, and considering how shitty his childhood was, he probably thought the abuse was normal and that this was what he was supposed to do, stay complacent and take the abuse, never speak out and stay in line

when he had met blitz at the “not divorced party”, it was his fantasy coming true, that his knight in shinning armour was here to save him, when in reality that wasn’t the case, but he let himself believe that it was so he could have something to get him through the day, that was until ozzie’s happened, and everything hit him at once, that his fantasy coming true and blitzo loving him was all just a lie for him to engulf in, that he used him to get in to spy on his friends and for his book

what will happen now?

their are so many directions on where their relationship can go, but i personally believe it will be a very long time before we see their relationship turn into a healthy lovey dovy one, i remember seeing a comment about vivzie and saying how it’s going be a low burn, and i personally think the same as well, if they move too fast in this relationship with how they are right now, it will end badly, they both need to heal and learn about commitment and proper and affective communication if they want to have this relationship

i actually saw someone on twitter pointing out that when in the teaser trailer for season two, when blitzo sends out moxxie on a mission, he seems more agitated then usual and seems to be holding something in his hand, with is a small box, and i personally think this is the asmodeus crystals that have been shown in blitzo’s book

asmodeus crystals can turn demons into human forms and take them into earth, i think not long after the L.A episode, stolas will send him the crystals through mail, in his mind he’s setting blitz free from the deal, wanting to make him happy and not force him to remain in their position, but we know blitz likes him and doesn’t want to let him go, so he’s angry at the crystal because in his mind, he’s stolas rejecting him and proving him right about only being his favourite little imp thing to play with, so he’s hurt

i also think that their will be a moment were they’ll get into a huge, HUGE fight over it, with blitzo accusing him of only using him and stolas losing his patience and telling him that he should be happy cause now he’s not trapped with him anymore, and it this will be their falling out, their “break up”, i do think they will have a breakup in their relationship, cause their’s no way in hell they can progress if they don’t go through something like this

they’ll probably meet up under forced circumstances, talk things over and then finally slowly begin to work on things and on their relationship, i mentioned before that their love confession won’t be a typical i love you, their love confession is not gonna be a magical thing, it’s gonna be a real, gut-wrenching like “HOLY SHIT THIS IS TOO REAL”

let me know what you guys think?

#blitzo #stolas #stolitz theory #stolitz #stolitz relationship #helluva boss #helluvaboss #helluva boss stolas #helluva boss blitzo #helluva boss blitz #helluva boss theory #theory #stolas x blitzo #stolas x blitz #asmodeus crystals

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vigilante-izuku · 1 year

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i see quite a significant change in joel’s personality but it’s not a bad thing.

his fear of losing someone he cares about has always been there since sarah. in both the game and the show, he pushes people away to avoid feeling anything for them and to subsequently avoid the weight of potential loss and guilt but in the game, there was never any representation of joel being struck with fear and being unable to move or say anything. he was actually the opposite, he didn’t shy away from being defensive and violent. the show version of joel is very vulnerable and not confident in his ability to fight or protect even himself, let alone anyone else. he mentioned that he used to be a lot stronger and more capable but he doesn’t feel like that anymore. that’s very different from the original joel but it’s more realistic that way.

his nightmares, his panic attacks, his frantic urge to shut people out and isolate himself. they are intensely emotional reactions that genuinely happen when experiencing grief and the worry that’s tied to it. maybe it seems uncharacteristic for joel because we are so used to his gruff, intimidating game persona but the show is humanising these characters so much more and with that comes vulnerability and weakness.

i think they are trying to show that just because a person has become rough around the edges and a hardened version of who they used to be, doesn’t mean they have moved on from whatever trauma they endured. it never fully goes away and it can still heavily impact them no matter how much time has gone by.

sorry for ranting, i just had a lot of thoughts about this! it’s something i’ve been thinking about a lot (you can probably tell hahaha). i am a joel defender till the day i die so i had to just get this out, hope you don’t mind :)

i'm 100% a joel apologist through and through.

also yeah i made a post about this on main, but i think the reason theres a difference IS because the mediums. we weren't ever gonna get to see this level of emotional depth of joel because its a video game and not a show. and they couldn't devote the time to that.

the show allows the writers to do exactly that, humanize npcs and let us really get to know the main characters more deeply.

#eri's answers #game joel and pedro joel is both different and the same #its a weird blend in my head #joel miller #i haven't seen part 2 but i feel like show joel is a blend of part 1 and part 2 joel #because part 2 joel is a softie right?#also im digging seeing vulnerable men on tv #its NICE

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dzpenumbra · 1 year

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3/4/23

Wanna hear some bullshit?

Where do I start...

Let me just tell a little story, an abridged one of course. I have PTSD. It's complicated, well... complex, I guess. The pandemic was not... too foreign for me. When traumas hit, I tend to... socially quarantine, as most of my traumas have been socially-based. And, as with my experience of the pandemic, I had never self-quarantined in the past because I was the dangerous one, it's because the rest of the world is. At least in my panic mind. So... again... the pandemic wasn't really foreign or entirely shocking for me, it was just another lockdown in a series of lockdowns.

However... Because of my social "support" through this experience, I ended up... being much more incapacitated than I would wager I would have been otherwise. I would put good money on it, at this point. When I am stuck in an isolation period - a recovery period, an incubation period - and I'm stuck in isolation with someone... who feeds off of me... Who... negatively feeds off of me, in order to "process" their stress with other things... who projects their fears and insecurities and problems with others onto me, because I'll stick around and talk it out, I'll forgive them, I won't fight back, I'll... take it... I'll... endure... That's when the real bad shit happens to me.

I had a year and a half free of that before I was thrust into a completely different one. The pandemic... I'd say... winter 2020/spring 2021ish on? The toxicity grew to massive levels. (okay, this isn't so much an abridged version, whatever. I'll get to the point...) SO... because of this, I was scared to leave my house at all. Scared to take my dog on hikes, even. And my dog suffered for it, which I still haven't fully forgiven myself for. And because of my intense phobias of going into the world and people hurting me somehow? I didn't drive my car. For months at a time.

There it is, that was the buildup... that's what I was leading to. My car. My 2016 station wagon. Which, now that I think about it... really wasn't that old at the time, was it? Weird... I thought it was older... Ugh, time is moving really weird lately. Anyway. My car would get frequent flat tires from just sitting in my dirt driveway, undriven. I can't count how many brake repairs I had done. And I hate it, because it's so wasteful, but in that area, public transit was just... non-existent, and I lived alone... and god knows my 3 shitty family members who lived 7 minutes away would never give me a ride anywhere if I needed it... unless they stood to gain something very valuable from it... So, long story short, the car was in rough shape come 2022.

In November '22 - it feels so weird dating it that way, it feels like just yesterday... - I brought my car in for a routine overdue inspection so I could get it tuned up and cleared for my move, which was scheduled for November 15th. When I brought it in, they had me sitting in a guest area for... well over an hour... when I had a specific timed appointment. I was inking my hoodie while listening to a short podcast series on Proto-European deities that influenced the evolution of Odin. They came out and told me that there was extensive damage to the breaks and the rear axle, and that they couldn't pass it or let me drive it off the lot. And I was supposed to be moving... that week. Alone. Using my car. And I didn't even have a ride home.

The dealership that I brought it to - my parents insisted I go there... for some reason... I really don't know why... habit, I guess - they told me that they would need to order a part and get it repaired, and couldn't give me an estimate on how long it would take. They went to offer a rental for transportation... there just happened to be one car on the lot. I claimed it. What the fuck else was I going to do?

I thought it would be just... I rent this car for like... the move... and then it turned into the first week up there... then the first month... then new years rolled along... I didn't even want this car and we offered to lease or attempt to buy the rental car outright just to make this easier for everyone, they flat-out refused to even entertained the idea. Fast forward to yesterday.

Get this. They called MY MOM and told her that they need the rental car back TOMORROW (non-negotiable) to retire it from the fleet. She is not on the rental agreement, she doesn't own the deed to my car, she has not been involved in this process at all except to try to negotiate a lease on a different car on the lot with the Sales Department, I'd been dealing exclusively with the Service Department. I have no fucking clue why they would ever feel it would be appropriate to contact my senior citizen mother about my rental contract and not... fucking ME. And I was validated on this by my therapist that this is... a bit legally questionable?... As was what happened next. They pressured my mom into giving them my phone number, which makes sense... and MY PHYSICAL ADDRESS. The shit I didn't want to talk about yesterday? It was her gaslighting me because I was absolutely godsmacked that she would freely give out my current address to people who were actively planning to repossess my car without coordinating it with me.

Good thing she gave them my number. Big difference that made. Because they never called me. And not only did they not call me... after she gave it to them yesterday afternoon to coordinate a plan with me... they also had not contacted me one fucking time in the 3+ months I was in possession of that vehicle. So... let's just give them benefit of the doubt here... This professional car dealership rented out a car to a person and DIDN'T GET THEIR PHONE NUMBER... I mean... I had given it to them tons of times, I've been getting my cars repaired there for years, well over a decade, they called me back to schedule brake work back in winter 2019, I remember it vividly. I was standing out in the snow under the porch at the house I was staying at, it was cold, I had a plastic table set up in the snow for snowskating, I was chillin next to it talking to them and smoking a cigarette. So... let's be really clear here... they lost my number. They didn't get my number when they signed a rental contract with me. They spoke with my mother several times and never once asked for my number. They pressured my mother into giving them the physical address where I live and where the rental car was stored (jokes on them, there's a fucking security gate and the keys were in my house, dumbshits). They got my number from her... and didn't immediately call me and schedule a time to pick it up. ON A WEEKDAY. On a Friday morning!

I slept 3 hours last night. Intense night terrors, of course, and an uncanny internal panic alarm clock. I woke up expecting a phone call at 8, when they opened. Nothing. I browsed Reddit and tried to wake up a bit, giving them time to call. 9 rolls along. Nothing. Not a peep. So... I'm awake enough, and pissed enough... to call them up and see what the fuck is going on. I call them, a guy answers. I ask them what's going on with my rental. He tells me a team is en route to pick it up. I... process this. They sent out 2 dudes to drive 100 miles to my apartment to pick up this car that is in a secure lot on a Friday morning, and they didn't even fucking tell me they were leaving... I ask for an ETA. He... get this... hold on to your seat... he ASKS FOR MY FUCKING NUMBER. He goes "I'll pass this along to the guy who's coming, he can let you know how far out he is."

An hour goes by. An hour and a half goes by. I get a phone call. The fucker is outside my building. I shit you not. If I hadn't woken from night terrors after 3 hours of sleep, I would've been woken up after 5-6 hours of sleep by a complete stranger who is lurking outside my apartment building unannounced to repossess my rental car.

So... I'm gonna have to give these guys 4 stars. Sorry guys, i just... I think you can do a bit better. I'm genuinely curious if pursuing legal action here is going to be worthwhile, this whole situation is just so fucked. Like... just bad business all around, completely inconsiderate, rude, exploitative, invasive, and... frankly... possibly illegal. Like... you can try to play the whole "small-town" card with the "yeah, we figured it would be okay if we just went to your mom and sweated out your address and showed up unannounced... for no fucking reason, rather than just getting your number... then calling you... and getting your address and setting up a time." Like there is absolutely no goddamn reason why they would ever have to do that. Or why it would ever be appropriate. Like... even with a teenager or a college student or something. I'm in my mid fucking 30's. Nothing with her name on it is even involved. It's really fucking odd, and creepy. It makes me super uncomfortable. And it's one of those things that like... when it's happening... you just think the whole time like... "is this one of those things I'm supposed to go to the police about?" I hate that feeling, it makes me feel like... like a child. Like an innocent toddler that wandered into a mafia headquarters or a trap house or something.

So... that's how my day started...

Oh, for the record... The dude who is making hand-made prayer beads, hand-sanded stones and fine art pieces about grief and the process of transforming brushes with death into... love and beauty. Through endurance, patience, effort, focus. That dude. Is providing less value to society. Than those fucking scumbags.

Fuck them. Hell's got a nice warm seat for them.

On a lighter note... I got all the mod podge done for my mala today. I worked all day long. I don't remember if I did 2 or 3 coats, I think I might've done 2, it was enough really. The sanding is going pretty well, which I'm glad about. There were a few times I went too deep with it, but it's not too noticeable and I'm cool with leaving them like that, it adds a bit more character, some imperfections. 30 beads total, 10 are sanded, buffed and strung on waxed black hemp already. It's coming along quick. And it looks really cool, I'm really happy with it.

And... I got my board. I got my electric board. It's sitting over by my whiteboard. It's a lot heavier than I expected, I have no idea if ollieing it is even on the table. But I'm really excited to practice riding it. See... I say that... but I'm super nervous. There it is. I want to be honest. I am excited, but I'm way more nervous.

I keep getting this image in my head of like... okay, it's not a clear image at all. Just something bad happening. Someone stealing my board. Maybe hitting a rock and falling? I guess it's just someone stealing it, honestly. Like... I want to envision going for a ride and just... practicing riding, getting used to how the board feels under my feet. And I don't know the neighborhood at all, and then I end up in a bad neighborhood, and someone takes my board so they can sell it for money, because we're all hurting for money nowadays. I guess that's the dark fantasy. I think about riding it to the pharmacy. It's... not the greatest neighborhood. The grocery store is way further up the same road. That's just my... not feeling safe reflexes. I guess.

Weird how I lived in Arapahoe, Colorado, in a shitty rundown apartment complex, and went skateboarding to the bus stop right next to a Walmart that got shot up in the time that I lived there, rode the public bus downtown, then skated around town. By myself. At age 19. But I can't go zip around on the sidewalks at 5 mph in a super tame neighborhood to learn how to ride my electric skateboard at 36. Like... I really need to go and just... look at the young women walking their dogs up the road at dusk. Think about how they feel. They probably feel more confident and safe than I do! Well, they aren't having a massive long-term PTSD episode...

Tell ya what. Here's a good practice. I could set up the car share thing, figure out what I need to do for that. Then take a practice ride over to the nearest car. I think it's a truck. Even if I'm not going to use it, just... to get used to the ride. And get used to the board. And get some fresh air.

And as I say this, I hear... what sounds like rain or ice pellets spraying against the windows. There's supposed to be a winter storm, apparently. And I don't have a ton of food. That was another freak out moment today, like... if the dealership gave me heads up... I could've gone and done a quick grocery run and stocked up. Now... I'm just raw-doggin it.

So... I might have some time to just process a good place to go ride, because it might be too nasty out to ride anyway. Lemme check the weather. Wow, 7-14 inches. Looks like I'm not getting grocery or food deliveries... BUT. Snowskating is back on the menu, boys! Maybe it's a... skate the park, then order takeout and pick it up on my way home kinda weekend.

Oh, and something weird happened today. Since I'm here... might as well share this thought. I've been watching these youtube mini-lectures by this guy named Dr. Justin Sledge, he has a channel called ESOTERICA that's all about... occult stuff, esoteric spiritual documents and practices. The obscure, the weird, the stuff people don't really know much about or speak much about, the kinda stuff you have to dig for. You know, the stuff that intrigues me. And this one that popped up today, that I didn't even get to finish... was about the Satanic Panic in the 80s. I've talked about my whole tattoo story with my crow tattoos, and a lot of... the core elements of my soul... my spirit... have had this instinct that... kinda screams out in warning of that kind of mentality. Inwardly, so far. I have never really been brave or... articulate enough... to find a place for it in my art or music. It, in this case, being... that word that I struggle to find. False justice? Punishment? Persecution? Mass hysteria? Witch-hunting? Something that is underlying in all of them? There is a common thread in all of them, and it's been a thing since the beginning of time, I'd wager. And it's horrible. It's one of the worst things about humanity, bar none. It's haunting. And the Satanic Panic was all this.

And the connection I wanted to share was... in the video, he brought up the West Memphis 3. Which is... a really devastating and depressing case. And one I knew very little about, like... nothing, really. And I only knew the name because... get this... The chick who messaged me on Hinge a week after my dog died. The one who wanted to "help me with my art" and give me 2 giant buckets full of goat bones? Totally not just to get them off her property for god knows what reason... That chick told me that I reminded her of Damien Echols. I had no idea who he was. I googled and immediately just read the first bit about... what he was convicted of... and it just... I did what probably any other person would have done in a 5 second snap judgement. I got a really creepy vibe and denied it outright.

But it really started coming back in to my life today. Why did she say that? What about me reminded her of him? How am I... alike... to a man who served 18 years in solitary confinement for a crime he didn't commit? What was she seeing? Was it just the interest in weird occult things? Diverse spiritual beliefs and practices, obscure symbology, an artist's/writer's eye? Was it this common thread of... being the victim of wrongful persecution? I will never know for sure what it was that she saw, but I know she sounded very convinced that it was uncanny. And people extremely rarely tell me that I remind them of someone, so this definitely caught my attention. And I'd like to shelve my judgement and explore that at some point, because it might unlock... one of my biggest and longest building personal projects to date.

But I have too much on my plate at the moment so I'm gonna put a pin in that... XD I just thought the synchronicity was interesting, and appropriate timing, as well. I have a mental map of different concepts to engage with, the Muse has shown me a very important one, and I've scrawled some notes to myself on what that is and where to find it again for when I inevitably return.

For now... I am working on incorporating meditation comfortably into my daily practices. Once my mala is done. It's 1/3 done, so it should be done tomorrow pretty easily. Then I need to finish the last stone in the set. That's just waiting for my shoulder muscles to chill a bit, this stone grinding can do a number on your arms. Then it's the goat skull. Finally. Which is most likely going on top of my bookshelf (it's so nice to say that word, after 3 months...). And streaming, whenever I feel like peppering that in. And my hoodie... I'd like to at least finish the sleeve one of these days... I keep putting it off.

After all that? I'm wide open for a new avenue of exploration.

Thanks for sticking along for the ride if you did. It's been a fucked up day. But some good came from it. And as much as I'm kinda stranded alone in a snowstorm... it's not as bad as I was worried. And I have a really cool therapist dude who's really down to earth and nerdy and speaks my language, and I'm pretty confident he's going to be able to help me work through these... blind fear anxiety attacks. And maybe, just maybe, get back to something close to the days when I could just walk to Walgreens at 2AM to get a few emergency groceries without standing by the door pacing back and forth convinced that someone is going to rob or kill me if I go out. I think it's possible. And I'm going to put in the work I need to in order to get there.

But for now. I'm going to fucking bed.

#diary #journal #online journal #stream of consciousness #stream of thoughts

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maulusque · 3 years

Text

Clone genetic enhancement ideas

So the clones were genetically enhanced, but i don’t really see any writers (in fanfic or in published stuff) really exploring what that MEANS beyond “clone very stronk”. Here are some ideas that would actually make clones significantly different from just a regular-ass human in peak condition.

-enhanced senses: eyesight, hearing, etc. I’m talking eyes like a HAWK

-better reflexes

-quicker information processing

-can hear sounds of higher and lower frequency than standard humans

-can see light of a broader spectrum than human standard

-learn quicker, retain information and skills better (potential problem: if you learn something the WRONG way, that way might stick really well)

-photographic memory (really useful for memorizing layouts and maps)

-immunity to various diseases

-can tolerate a wider range of temperatures and environments

-increased stamina and strength baseline. Clones can just run full-tilt for hours and hours and be like “ah a nice stroll”. Over long distances, they can out-pace jedi in the same way that humans can out-pace horses.

-higher tolerance of certain poisons/toxins (clones can straight-up drink ethanol, and get maybe a little tipsy)

-bodies respond quickly to physical stress, and slowly to the absence of it (basically, this means that physical conditioning results in stronger muscles and a stronger cardiovascular system really quickly, and it takes MUCH longer for a clone to lose strength and conditioning due to not exercising than standard humans. Think how much valuable training time is saved if they only have to go on a run like, once a month in order to stay in shape)

-increased ability to function through intense pain and acute injuries. Basically, semi-disabling the pain system so it’s less distracting. Probably not good for the survival of the individual in many situations, but an advantage on the battlefield.

-heal faster and better, with fewer long-term complications. Clones can dislocate their shoulders and NOT have the joint be permanently fucked up, because the Kaminoans re-designed the whole damn thing to suck WAY less.

-actually, unique internal anatomy. There’s probably a lot about the human body besides the shoulder joint that is actually just really stupid, and something no intelligent designer would actually build. So the Kaminoans can fix a lot of that stuff. Better knees, maybe. Stronger ribs. Maybe Cody punches droids not just because he’s a mad bastard, but also because his metatarsals are literally as strong as steel.

-Hearing loss/hearing damage? No problem, your ear can regrow those little hair-thingies that help you hear.

-Of course, it takes energy to maintain muscle mass, which is why human bodies lose it if we’re not using it. Clones need significantly more calories than standard humans. However, their digestive systems are enhanced to extract calories and nutrients from food much more efficiently, so food goes much farther. Potential weird side effect: maybe clones only have to poop like, once a week?

-You could probably extend that into increased ability to tolerate long periods without food/on low rations, despite the increased need for calories.

-wouldn’t it be NEAT if the kaminoans somehow designed self-repairing DNA. This would mean that others couldn’t take a DNA sample from a clone and modify it to create their own clones (basically, it protects their product. It’s like DRM for clones). This ALSO means that clones couldn’t get cancer, and that they’d be immune to radiation poisoning. So a clone could just walk up to a sphere of uranium at critical mass and pick it up. Maybe with oven mitts on if it’s hot. (this would also make it harder for a rapid-aging cure to be developed, but uhhhh fanfic writers find a way)

- “bred for obedience” I think most of this would have to be accomplished through tightly-controlled messaging and cultural norms as the clones grow up- basically, enshrining obedience as a desirable and almost sacred trait, to be prized higher than anything else, including the lives of your brothers. In the same way that we hear stories of people sacrificing their lives to protect their loved ones, the clones would grow up hearing stories of soldiers sacrificing their brothers’ lives to obey an order from a superior.

-SOME of the “obedience” thing could be engineered, though. Humans are already super social, but it would probably make sense for the clones to have an even greater need for social bonds. This would make for greater teamwork and coordination, and better unit cohesion, since the clones would be more inclined to prioritize friendship/agreeing with someone over winning an argument. It would also make it so they’d bond with their natural-born generals more easily, so they would obey them not just because they’re supposed to, but because they’d be much quicker to see them as a friend, and someone who’s trust they want to earn, someone they want to incorporate into their group and make happy.

-consequently, clones who find themselves alone do NOT do well. Isolation has a much more profoundly negative impact on clones than on regular humans.

-Originally, clones designed to operate alone or in small teams would not have the social enhancement- ARC troopers, spec-ops teams, etc. There wouldn’t be much of a noticeable difference in everyday interactions, but they’d also be vaguely weirded out by what they interpret as aggressive friendliness from their brothers, and their brothers would think they’re a bit shy and standoffish.

-actually this social modification would make it MUCH harder for clones to kill people. REGULAR HUMANS are already super bad at killing people- i remember reading this article about how as soon as soldiers have to point their weapons at actual people, their aim gets mysteriously much shittier. Even when compared to situations that are exactly the same, except they’re not shooting at other humans. So reconcile this how you will, idk.

-I imagine a lot of these enhancements would be accomplished not through DNA, but through microorganisms. Retroviruses could explain the DNA resistant to modification, and the increased healing speed, and possibly some disease resistance (do i know anything about retroviruses other than a vague concept of what they are? no i do not. will that stop me? also no.) Their metabolism can be partially explained through specially engineered gut microbes.

-not sure how they’d go about making clones “resistant to any stress”, because you can’t exactly turn off the trauma response in the brain without breaking a bunch of other things. They could probably do a bit of fiddling to make clones more resistant to chemical imbalances, and therefore more depression-resistant. I think most of the “stress-resistance” would have to come through training. Either they train the clones to basically suppress everything, which might work alright in the short term. OR they actually have systems in place that help prevent the development of things like PTSD and help treat trauma. Meaning the clones are literally trained in self-care, positive self-talk, talking about their pain with their brothers, and having community rituals around things like death and grief. I don’t think that’s super likely because one thing that’s integral to those concepts is the concept of “i am a person and i have worth, and if i feel angry about something bad happening, that is ok and valid” and considering that a whole lot of bad things happen to the clones all the time and their childhood is a whole boatload of bad all happening at once, i don’t think the kaminoans would want the clones realizing “hey wait a minute i’m a person and i don’t deserve to be treated this way and it’s ok for me to be mad at you”.

- the clones were supposedly engineered to be “less aggressive” but i think there was literally nothing more to that than a cover story for the control chip. The clones wouldn’t be raised with a lot of the aggressive western concept of masculinity, where anger is the default reaction to like, everything, and your personal pride is extremely important and also fragile (no offense lmao). So you wouldn’t have clones posturing and getting angry over perceived slights and fighting each other all the time, like everyone in-universe apparently expects to be the case. Anyway, why would you want your soldiers to be less aggressive? they’re literally supposed to fight and kill the enemy. You want them fully capable of getting angry, anger is the human response to fear and danger that lets us DO something about it.

-obviously the biggest component in how they behave would be how they are raised, but that’s an entirely different post

-Specializations! I imagine that initially, the Kaminoans had different clones with different traits engineered specifically to fill certain roles. However, as the war went on, they struggled to keep up with demand and had to start shoving clones into whatever roles were needed (hence Fives and Echo becoming ARCs, despite not being engineered as ARC troopers).

-Command clones would have better abilities in the executive function parts of the brain that deal with extrapolation, planning ahead, spatial reasoning, etc. They’d also have increased visual pattern recognition (like a pigeon)

-search-and-rescue troops would also have the pigeon pattern recognition abilities. The coast guard literally strapped pigeons to helicopters who would tap a button when they saw orange in the water, because they were better at spotting it than humans. Pigeons can detect cancer in microscope images of cells, because they’re that good at pattern recognition

-Pilots would have hella reflexes, excellent spatial awareness and spatial reasoning skills, much greater ability to process visual information, stronger hearts and blood vessels (to resist greater Gs of force), and they’d also be much shorter, to better fit into a cockpit. Which reminds me of Axe, that poor bastard from Ahsoka’s squadron over Ryloth who was almost eight feet tall. rip poor Axe, how did you even become a pilot, you long bastard.

-medics who can smell certain diseases. If you want to get a little bit out there, make the medics able to purr so they can sooth stressed-out patients.

-infantry would have even greater endurance than everyone else, as well as greater tolerance for, and ability to, remain constantly on alert.

-ability to fall asleep at will? that would be super dope.

-maybe more efficient sleep, so to an adult clone, 4 hours of sleep is genuinely sufficient.

-concept: clones can sort of turn down their bodily functions- slow their digestion, heart, lungs, the whole nine yards- to last longer in adverse conditions. Sort of a half-hibernation (or quarter hibernation- they’d still be able to talk and think, but they’d feel very lethargic). They wouldn’t be able to function very well, but it would be great for things like enduring intense cold, periods without food, low-oxygen environments, and it would be especially useful if you were wounded and waiting for help, since you could slow your circulation, meaning it would take you a lot longer to bleed out. This state could be triggered by a combination of physical actions such as sitting or lying still, breathing slowly and deeply, and focusing on slowing the heart down (humans can actually slow down their hearts consciously if you practice at it, this is basically that, but turned up to like 1100).

-one thing that never made sense to me was the whole “we’re running out of jango fett’s DNA, all the new clones won’t be as good, and we have to stop ventress from stealing the original DNA” because like, can’t they just, get the EXACT SAME DNA from the clones?? you know, the exact genetic copies? With all the enhancements already done? But now my idea is that the kaminoans have engineered the clones so their DNA straight up can’t be copied. The clone’s own body can obviously replicate it, but if you take a sample and try to extract the DNA, it just self-destructs or something. This is to protect their intellectual property, but also means that they literally have to use a couple of Jango Fett’s actual human cells for every single clone they make (and the fact that they then have to do all the above enhancements to every single embryo helps explain why there’s so many small mutations, such as hair color and height). So they kinda shot themselves in the foot with that one.

-of course since things like ADHD and autism have a strong genetic component, the kaminoans could theoretically engineer those out of the clones, but actually FUCK THAT so for whatever reason, that’s just not something they are able to do, and neurodivergent clones are absolutely a thing

#maulusque's stuff #meta #clones

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zsocca55 · 3 years

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Hello There fellow Hungarian from Poland!

Do you have aby headcanons about Poland or Polish and Hungarian Relations?

Yay, another Pole! :D Much, much love from Hungary to you guys! ❤️❤️❤️ I tried to summarize my thoughts in short sentences but….eh… sorry for the length of this, but there is like, a ton of history to work with, and one idea popped up after another and then I just got lost typing this. I might as well write a whole book about it. XD

These are listed in more or less historical order. Am I doing this right? I’m bad at making headcanons! Also my interpretation of Poland is very different from his Hetalia presentation and my notes are based heavily on how Poland and Polish people are perceived in Hungary. Sorry if that bothers anyone, but I like to stay accurate to History.

Anyway, I hope this list satisfies!

Poland:

-Used to be really childish and carefree but after the partitions he matured rather quickly

-He is quite the attention-seeker, very social and has many friends but only a few real ones and he has trust issues and fear of abandonment - that’s why he can get very clingy

-Has pride like the size of the moon

-Communicates his emotions poorly - which results in him sometimes mistreating people he likes (Lithuania and Ukraine for example) - he is getting better at reading people though

-He is a “lets get shit done” type of person - you give him a job and he will do it impeccably and in time

-He appears like this happy-go-lucky guy, but it’s actually a coping mechanism

-When he feels down, he becomes emotional - and drinks a lot - he is an emotional drunk

-Had a big fat crush on Ukraine (he even has a folk song dedicated to her, Hej Sokoły!)

-Complains a lot - like a really lot

-Poland keeps old gifts he received from his great kings and queens in a safe (nobody knows about it though)

-The partitions caused him to lose consciousness for weeks. It was the shock of losing his identity as a ‘state’. All countries involved believed that he would die.

-Poland lived with Russia between 1795-1918 due to Russia possessing most of his territory. But he often made official visits to Austria and Prussia to negotiate the treatment of his people with them. He also got away on his own a few times (to help out Hungary in 1848-49 for example).

-Poland accompanied Tadeusz Kościuszko to America, but couldn’t stay for long. Youthful America’s enthusiasm inspired him a lot.

-He is a very bad driver, and had so many accidents he doesn’t keep count, but he is a skilled pilot so he often complains about not being allowed to fly around instead of driving around.

Poland and Hungary:

-Poland was also victim of Hungarian tribal attacks before the 10th century so his boss decided to befriend the new southern neighbour in hopes of making an ally. At first Hungary thought Poland was a girl while he thought she was a boy.

-Hungary first met a Polish tribe called “Lendzianie” and so she named his people “lengyel”. Poland never corrected her though.

-They paid visits to each other often during the early decades of the 10th century and played a lot. Once they jumped in a lake for fun’s sake, without clothes, and Poland quickly realized that Hungary is in fact a girl but he hadn’t got the heart to break the news to her because she was so confident in being a boy.

-They got distanced whenever internal crisises rose in their countries. Even up to this day, if one of them has an internal struggle, the other doesn’t pry and keeps a respectful distance. They respect each others boundaries in every way.

-Poland and Hungary were married twice, but all they ever did was giggle about it like the young teens they were and caused a lot of trouble for their kings with their pranks and mischiefs.

-Poland never understood why Hungary’s attention turned towards Austria in the 1400s though. Hungary also never understood why his attention turned towards Lithuania either.

-Poland and Hungary have a very similar residing scar running in three directions across their bodies which are testimony to them being thorn in three. Poland during the partitions and Hungary during the Ottoman-Habsburg invasions when she was also basically three entities in one.

-Poland fought with Hungary against Austria in 1848-49 but was dragged back by Russia when Hungary lost. He learned of her marriage to Austria through a newspaper much later and was severely disappointed in her.

-Poland tried to negotiate with the Allies in order to save Hungary from being chopped up and lose their shared border, but France faced him with a decision: either shut up and get a place on the map or refuse the treaty and have less territory. Poland never ratified the treaty but he still resents not fighting it more.

-Hungary tried to help Poland during his war with the soviets in 1920-22 but because Czechoslovakia refused to grant access to him out of spite, she turned to Romania of all people, pleading him to help. Romania actually helped.

-Hungary was pretty shaken and isolated from everyone after WW1. Only Poland and North Italy reached out to her, searching ways to keep in contact.

-Hungary resents joining the wrong side in WW2, which made her and Poland enemies. She tried to make the best of the situation and help Poland when her troops were stationed on his territory. They met accidentally in a forest while Poland was marching with partisans towards Warsaw in 1944. She helped him out but Prussia found them and Hungary pretended to take Poland hostage in order to release him later during the night. Her men were killed for fraternizing with the enemy.

-During the German occupation in Poland it was forbidden to listen to Polish nationalist songs and so Hungary and her men played “God save Poland” on repeat just because they could and Poland and his people were very thankful for it.

-When the Iron Curtain was drawn, Hungary hid away in her land, depressed, but Poland kept fighting the new rule until the Poznan protests inspired the uprising in Budapest in 1956. Originally Hungary organized a solidarity march for him but it turned into a freedom fight. She was struck down by Russia though, leaving her bleeding out on her streets with a hole in her chest. Poland flew to Budapest and offered his own blood to save her. Hungary remained unconsious for a week until she woke up. He was at her bedside the whole time.

-Poland often jokes about Hungary probably inheriting his “immortality” because of the blood transfusion.

-Hungary hid away again after 56. He tried to help Hungary get over her trauma by visiting her often during the rest of their years in the Soviet Union, but something broke in her and he didn’t really know what to do.

-This put a certain distance between them.

-After the USSR fell, Poland was quick to make new friends and make up with his neighbours but Hungary came out of her shell much slower. She did admire him for his strength to move on. He also encouraged her a lot to get up and improve her country.

-Hungary considers him her only real friend. She doesn’t trust anybody else with her life anymore. Out of gratitude, she decided to declare a special day for Poland (March 23) and when he heard of it, he actually teared up.

-Nowadays they visit each other on their Independence Days and celebrate together. They also go and cheer for each other’s football teams with hundreds of Poles chanting “Ria, ria, Hungaria!” and hundreds of Hungarians chanting “Polska! Polska!” on the streets.

-After hearing the song “Varsó hiába várod” from the band Republic, Poland thought Warsaw is indeed too far from Budapest so he made a plan to build a railroad so they can come and go between each other’s capitals in five hours. The idea is under construction at the moment.

-Poland and Hungary like to think that they are the heart of V4.

-Hungary goes along with whatever mischief or prank Poland makes up. And vica versa.

-They also promote their friendship with so much enthusiasm that Romania often calls them out for being too mushy.

Uh, thanks for reading through this! I know this is a lots of text, I get carried away when making up ideas. I’m unable to summarize my thoughts in short sentences. I don’t have the ability.

Also 50% of this is not even headcanon, some of these really happened or are happening.

Anyway, I hope I answered your question! :’)

#hetalia #hws #aph #hetalia hungary #hetalia poland #hws hungary #hws poland #polish-hungarian friendship #polish-hungarian relations #this history is rich #i love them so much #and I love Poles so much #headcanons but not really #q&a #zsocca #zsocca55 #polhun

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furiousgoldfish · 3 years

Text

I haven't been writing a lot lately because my recovery has been taking a wild turn and in lack of anyone to talk to or therapy, I'll be writing about it here! I'll put it under a cut. There are some descriptions of recovery going very wrong, and also explanations of things I was wrong about.

So since the pandemic started I've been deteriorating badly, first I've been processing trauma extensively, having intense breakdowns and gradually it turned into depression from lack of stimulation, I've been completely alone for months without speaking to, or seeing anyone. I thought it was the isolation getting to me, and decided I just need to endure that, indulge in whatever coping I could and wait for it to end. And then things got worse.

Even as normally I was seeing some very slow progress in recovery; now it was going backwards; I was having less and less ability to get anything done, I wasn't able to force myself to do my job for months, I kept getting stuck in bed for weeks, chronic pain got so bad I couldn't move on most days. And, it only kept going worse.

My breakdowns stared to be about the present instead of the past; I couldn't handle being in pain all the time. As in before I would recover from a breakdown within a day or two, now it took 4 days to a week, and the trauma episodes would last for hours, so intense I'd find myself hoping I would die during it.

And then, I started losing all mobility and this seriously freaked me out. Everything above I've already experienced before, without long term consequences, but now my body was losing function in a way that felt permanent; I could no longer move for more than few minutes, and without extensive pain. Sometimes I would try to get up and end up collapsing and screaming from how much it hurt, I would move my arm and my whole body would experience a shock of intense pain. I was scared, I no longer knew what was going on, I was suspecting something more than ptsd was wrong. I've forced myself into physical activity, trying to fight this, I tried stretching, exercising, running, punching, and every single one of these activities made it incredibly worse. I thought I had broken my body by laying down too much. I no longer felt anything but terror and dread, and kept spiralling into scenarios of my own death; it felt inevitable, I wasn't going to survive without ability to move, nobody would take care of me.

I tried out medicine that helps relaxing, it had minimal effect. Then, in desperation to check if this was all ptsd, I attempted self harm, to see if it erases the pain. It did. It lowered the pain significantly It was a big relief, even though I wasn't happy with resorting to that, at least I could move around for a while, and I was grateful for that. Times couldn't be more desperate, and the measure felt fitting. I was still in a very bad shape, and the pain was only somewhat lessened.

It was about that time someone sent me the Complex PTSD book; I had wanted it for a while and immediately went to read it. I felt some relief reading it, and I was struck with the realization that I have not felt any relief in more than a year. It also surprised me with some of the exact descriptions of my behaviour, that I didn't realize was a symptom. I thought it was necessary and smart of me to live in hiding, to avoid interaction and never connect to anyone; it kept me safe. It turns out it's a regular freeze response to trauma; I got very called out for it. It also explains that a freeze response is what people use when anything else doesn't work, and it's true! I had been fighting, fawning and perfecting myself desperately prior to realizing that absolutely nothing helps, and froze to survive. It also described that freeze types are capable of surviving prolonged isolation because their brains produce hormones that relax the body as if they're going thru a moment before death; also true for me, I've been aware my brain does that, only I get that way too often, and it only helps me marginally because I'm too used to it.

Another thing I was very wrong about was my concept of my inner critic; I thought I had already won that battle, because I did not allow any voice in my head to criticize me (my alters can drag me affectionately), and I generally didn't experience a lot of shame or guilt for what I was going thru. The book describes inner catastrophizer, which is an extention of the critic, and it causes you to spral into extremely negative scenarios of your own demise. Now that.. was happening to me every single day, I saw myself dead around every corner. But I always thought my fears about that were perfectly reasonable. I had been tortured into suicidal state as a kid and nobody cared, I barely escaped with my life from there, I was living illegally, in hiding, without a normal job or regular income, without close friends or any family, with ptsd i couldn't get diagnosed for, without ability to work due to ptsd, in a capitalistic society where being able to work is only thing between you and dying. I had, by that point, gained many skills of survival, but it still felt very reasonable to fear that I would die if I don't get better soon.

The book described people who had families, jobs, social circles, friends and community, who spiraled into deep fear of becoming homeless and dying on the street; somehow their spiraling was exactly the same as mine, and it made me realize that it was, in fact, a symptom, and not reflection of reality. Because I was spiraling even when laying in my bed or eating or sleeping, knowing I could still afford rent for months because I arranged my life to allow myself to lay down a lot. I kept fearing my parents were coming to end my life, even when I arranged my entire existence specifically to prevent this from happening. And even if I was sick and without a real job, I had in fact, survived for 5 years after running away, I wasn't getting worse at it. My spiraling into death scenarios was a symptom of being trapped within a flashback.

The book guided me to try to challenge these fears, I immediately went for it, had a breakdown, screamed "I can't" for like an hour, had additional few breakdowns afterwards, and miraculously, recovered from them in only few hours. And then, I woke up from my flashback.

I won't describe what the flashback was, because it's too gruesome and horiffic, but it was in fact, bad enough to warrant every single bit of that pain I was experiencing, and a very convoluted, complex trauma. I was waiting to be killed in that flashback. Whats concerning is, I've been trapped in that same flashbacks for more than a year. After I broke my way out of it, it felt like I woke up to being alive for the first time in years. I got out being frozen in bed.

For 5 amazing days, I was able to do whatever I wanted. Chronic pain? I didn't know her. It was absoluely exhilirating to get to move again, I was not getting tired either, I was out there making up for months of doing nothing and I was not collapsing at any point. I felt actual joy again, and hope, and being free from pain was so extremely good, that alone made me ecstatic. I was able to create, to be organized, to take care of myself, to follow a checklist, to focus, I was a Normal Person for those 5 days.

And then, predictably, I was getting back stuck in that flashbacks and my levels of terror and dread spiked again. I went to re-read the book, and it took me a few days to really figure it out again, I don't know exactly how the book works on me, I feel like it says just the right keywords to trigger me into realizations and causes breakdowns that set me free. I found myself able to stop some spiraling, but sometimes I can't, that flashback holds immense power over me and is actually mixed with 10 other near-death scenarios that are too extreme for me to process, so this will keep happening. I did break free again, and got to experience additional few days of movement and happiness; I also started working extensively with my child alter, who was until recently extremely suicidal and dangerous to work with.

I am still kinda lost in all of this, and unsure whats going on, but I do believe I wont get trapped in a flashback again for a whole year. I became so anxious and helpless due to isolation, I forgot how to fight trauma, I forgot I actually had to do it. I used to do it constantly in the beginning, but it had made me suicidal back then to face all this, so I tried to just let it heal naturally, which I believed would eventually happen; but it didn't, I got trapped and suffered without knowing how to get out. I also believed my own spiraling was a reflection of reality and not trauma, and that fueled it a lot.

It explains very eloqently in the book how inner catastrophizing comes from being massively neglected; children who are not looked after start to realize just how unprotected they are, so their own sense of danger becomes hypersensitive and starts to lock on possible dangers everywhere. This is then further aided by media that points out every possible bad thing that could happen to a person, and the child who isn't guided by adult who could actually make a reasonable distinction between real and unlikely danger, will clock it all as absolute possibilities and be on alert. It's also fueled by the line of disasters and dangers that happen to them in the context of their own home, and for me, the strongest factor was my parents constantly convincing me that I would die without them. Even though I proved this wrong, and understand they did it precisely because they knew there was a lot of survival ability in me and that's why they worked so hard to destroy it, the fact that it was brainwashed into me under circumstances of torture still makes it impossible for me to fight it.

Maybe one day I will be able to.

I'm writing this because writing things down helps to make sense of it all, and I need to find my way thru this. I also hope someone else will see themselves in what I'm describing and it will help them find a way forward. Complex ptsd is the only book I found that speaks from the point of view of a person who survived cptsd, healed from it, and had so much experience with other traumatized people they're able to draw parallels and create patterns and statistics out if it, it was that more than anything that convinced me of their words, and gave me hope. The book also warns many times of how essential it is to reduce inner critic and catastrophizer before getting other recovery work done, other therapy might only do further harm before this work is done. It was true for me.

If you wanna read this book, here's a post with the links!

#cptsd #complex ptsd #ptsd recovery #tw self harm #story of recovery #trauma #abuse recovery #trauma symptoms #chronic pain #chronic exhaustion #freeze response

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ptersparkers · 4 years

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the tap of your fingertips

summary: all of jj’s internal thoughts.

warnings: none, i think and typos, probably.

notes: i tried to write differently and use inly a stream of consciousness. i hope you like it!

You think he doesn’t look. He does.

He feels every tap of your fingertips, hum of your voice, and breath when you enter the Chateau every morning with a blue water bottle. He thinks you’re beautiful without even trying. Five years of friendship never prepared him for seeing you in another light and it’s no secret that his feelings for you have switched. It’s not a secret to everyone but you.

JJ tries to keep his cool. He really does. It’s subtle movements that he cherishes in his mind when he falls asleep on John B’s couch every night. He replays the time he held your hand to help you into the boat that morning. Your hands were soft, unlike his callous ones. He could grow to like holding your hand.

He sleeps in comfort when you’re his last thought. JJ was never one to believe in lucid dreaming, but when the time is right, he could dream up a fantasy where he wasn’t afraid to proclaim his love for you. It was a distant wish that he wanted to come true. He wished for it when his eyes opened to the moment his eyes closed.

But delicate glances weren’t satisfying him anymore. He wanted to grab your exposed hip and hold you flush against him. Every time you placed the shiny lip gloss that smelled like sweet apples, JJ felt like the universe was torturing him with a sweet slow burn. You always smelled like sweet apples.

You decided to cut your hair short out of sheer boredom and you looked more mature, more refined. You were not what a Pogue looked like with that haircut. JJ liked that. He knew his opinion on your appearance didn’t matter but he wanted to say it anyway. So he did. You smiled and reached for an apple that Kiara had brought that morning. You and those damn apples.

There is a shift in the mood whenever JJ isn’t distracted by the other Pogues. He can feel his heart begin to beat faster when the mood has calmed down. It was almost always sparked by the sun beginning to set. He knew the night sky and the darkness of the calamity would force him to be alone with his own thoughts, unable to escape the impending doom of what he should do about his feelings. But he always put it off until the second he was about to sleep. That‘s his trick if he wanted to dream about you.

He often dreams about a big city where nobody cared about him. He dreams of a small apartment with you laying in your shared bed, the smell of fresh parsley cooking in the pan as he prepared two omelets with cheese and other ingredients laying around in your pantry. He dreams of a fresh pot of black coffee and a ceramic mug you had brought home the week you moved into the space. Your shared space. JJ dreams of waking you up with a tender kiss, feeling your warm breath on his chin as his lips touch the soft skin of your forehead. JJ will never admit it, but he craves the domesticity of relationships in which he was able to feel completely and utterly calm.

JJ likes it best when you wear his shirts after a swimming session. You were almost always too stubborn to wear your own and preferred the bigger size that he sported, not that he would ever complain. It was a cliche, that much he knew. But he never failed to smile when you stole the semi-dirty shirt from the boat when you emerged from the water, letting yourself air dry before slipping on the soft fabric. He was almost positive his entire wardrobe smelled like you.

Just when he thinks he has no real aspirations and dreams to fight for, you are the first to ease his mind about the future. The Outer Banks is a small island compared to the rest of the world. Getting out doesn’t just mean leaving the island physically. It means being mentally prepared to handle whatever life decides to throw at you once you step off of the land you grew to know so well. JJ’s always trying to think positively. He’s always trying to think of what you would say when he felt like the biggest failure on the island.

He didn’t know when he let you consume his mind but he wasn’t going to complain about it. The hot summer morning and cool summer nights were enough to spark imagination from him, one that would make it on his bucket list of things he wanted to accomplish before he left this godforsaken island. One of them was tell you he likes you. But he had time for that. He always tries to reason with himself.

JJ masks his anger and frustration with humor and comedy as a coping mechanism that helps him deal with the trauma he endures. His love for his friends outshines his own aspirations and he’s afraid that one day, he’ll find himself all alone after giving his all to the people he loved to much. He’s afraid of finding himself alone on the island while the Pogues have a grand time on different corners of the same planet. JJ thinks about his capacity for emotion and wonders when his next break down will be. He just hopes you’re not there to witness it.

It’s funny. He always thought about the classist society that exists between the Kooks and the Pogues. JJ is aware that this problem exists way beyond the small North Carolinian island, but he pretends it’s only his problem because it’s easier than dealing with the fact that leaving the island might be the worst decision he could make. If the world outside was like this then he won’t be able to protect himself. Here, at least, he knew how to fight stupid Kooks.

He’s scared that you’re not going to be there with him when he’s ready to leave. He says he is ready, and he’s hot headed with the tendency to act before thinking, but this is the only thing he wants to think through. Leaving the island with no money and nowhere to go means being stuck in square one. It means living as a Pogue in the world beyond the Outer Banks. It would be the same experience on a different playing field. But you always remind him that the opportunities beyond the gates of a small town are greater than his fears.

JJ’s starting to think he began to like you because you gave him hope. Not the kind of hope that resembles an empty promise, but the kind of hope that lifts his spirits and motivates him to get up every morning and seize the day. You are the sun in his dimly lit world and he’s afraid he will lose your sunshine.

The cheesiness of romantic comedies and John B. teasing him all day for being “soft” (whatever that means) is a combination of how JJ feels inside. He no longer feels to strengthen the hard exterior he spent years building when he was with you. JJ let his armor fall. It was always you and him in an isolated room with twin fire signs. He couldn’t hear loud ocean waves or thundering lightening. It was always calm with you.

With you, his slate was clean. He could build himself up without knocking himself down. The building blocks he needed were in your hands and all he had to do was grab them from you. JJ knew you were willing to give that to him. You were willing to share a piece of your soul so that his could be fixed. But he would never want you to break a piece of yourself in order for him to make himself whole.

JJ was pining after you like a little boy on the playground. He wanted to hold you, kiss you, touch you. He wanted you to pull him aside and admit these same feelings but never voiced this out loud. His armor had fallen around you but his walls were sturdy and high in front of everyone else.

He wasn’t sure if you knew. JJ was hyper aware of the times you’d choose to sit next to him or accompany him to fix the keg before parties. He was always aware of your head resting on his shoulder and when you would play with his rings absentmindedly. His hands always felt like they were on fire. But he welcomed that warmth.

And so he stood by the sidelines most afternoons and watched as you and John B. grew closer and closer. There were no romantics feelings involved, just the sheer fact that you two had known each other longer than he had known you. But that didn’t stop the blond boy from overthinking. Before he discovered his romantic feelings for you, every move felt like a provoking gesture. He never paid any mind to John B. pressing a quick kiss to your temple when you left the house. But now he did. Now it was personal. It was irrational. John B. was dating Sarah and you were like a sister to him. He knew that. It still felt weird.

But one evening changed everything. It was just the first of you in the Chateau and you were beyond tired. JJ could see the tiredness in your eyes due to the high-packed day the group had. He asked you to change into comfortable PJ’s before you slept in sweaty clothes and you obliged without a word.

He was used to seeing you without any makeup on and not as put together as when you were. But there was something about you that night.

JJ stepped forward.

You stepped closer.

He put his hands on your hips.

You looked up at him. He could smell the apple scented shampoo from your hair. The one you kept in John B’s bathroom.

There were no fireworks, nor music nor cheerful friends in the window.

There was just you two.

He slowly dipped his head and touched your lips with his, but just barely.

One. Two. Three.

That was the number of seconds it took for you to kiss him back.

You pressed your chest against his.

He dug his fingertips into your hipbone.

You felt his soft lips. He felt yours.

It was slow. Subtle. Sweet.

All JJ could think about was you and your apple flavored lip gloss, and how he wanted to taste it. But by the looks of it, he’d be tasting your apple flavored lip gloss more often.

***

taglist:

@princessdolan @ashyramblings-ficrecs @fanficscuziranout @simonsbluee @caswinchester2000 @jellyfishbeansontoast @karleeluv @briannarto @pogue-h @hyluas @angelic-ashleyaileen @mfmaddyperez @sspidermanss @outerbankslove.

aLSO WHY IS TUMBLR NOT TAGGING PEOPLE

#jj maybank #jj maybank x reader #jj maybank fluff #jj maybank imagines #rudy pankow #rudy pankow x reader #obx imagines #obx x reader #obx #outer banks x reader #outer banks imagine #outer banks #my writing #the tap of your fingertips

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sharkmobster · 3 years

Text

more funtime found family au stuff but this time focusing on funtime freddy and michael's relationship. it's incredibly rambly and turns into off-kilter dialogue but i gotta get this off my chest.

tw mentioned child abuse/death

• doesn't actually like michael (at first) even tho i draw them hanging around each other a lot

• bon bon is the only reason he does loaf around him. (bon bon and bonnet being the only ones who like Michael in the beginning.) They're attached to each other so it's inevitable that they would hang around mikey.

• ft freddy plays really mean spirited jokes on michael bc he's not allowed to harm him. he has to get real creative. (ft freddy has a lot of anger inside of him. people write him off as being dumb and goofy but really that's just a mask that he put up so he didn't scare people away. of course the funtimes know how he is, knows who he is right to his core bc they're all connected on a deeper/technological level.)

• (slaps funtime freddy. this bear can fit so much trauma and abandonment issues in him!)

• can be incredibly vindictive when he wants to be and takes out a lot of his agression on Michael. michael shares the afton name (bc he sure as hell doesn't look like william in my au lol) and that alone is enough for ft freddy to bully him.

• (the funtimes blame william for abandoning them so ft freddy takes it especially personal when his ankle biter comes around to "liberate" them. and on some deeper level freddy is just terrified that michael will abandon them all, just like willy did. he never voices this of course. opting to show his apprehension and fear in a more destructive way, pushing Michael further away.)

• canon ft freddy: sinister but still goofy and knows how to have a good time

my ft freddy: goofy and repressed anger issues, doesn't know how to enjoy himself without causing someone some kinda pain.

• michael gets fed up with being terrorized eventually and confronts him, and ft freddy drops the silly act for a bit just ready to blow up at him. (he can't even place why he's still so angry at michael when really he's been nothing but hospitable and accomodating to their wants and needs but fuck he's just so wound up he doesn't know what to do) michael compares him to william during the argument (cruel and vindictive just like william wanted) and ft freddy nearly rings his neck, absolutely seething but bon bon doesnt let that happen of course. (idk if this is confirmed canon but bon bon was designed to placate freddy. he raises his voice even slightly and bon bon's petting his face, stopping him from getting even more agressive)

• ft freddy shuts down after the confrontation ends (emotionally, anyway) and the blow out itself is completely anti climatic, nobody getting hurt. he ends up isolating himself from the others with bon bon hovering around like a concerned mother hen. Baby and the others give him space but michael (after he cools down anyways) won't leave him alone.

• See the thing is: Michael understands. Michael understands more than anyone what it's like to feel so deeply, what it's like to hate and hate and to keep hating until that rage is your whole life. It's suffocating. and he had to deal with that all on his own, choking on his own grief and rage without anyone to guide him. (his brother is dead bc of him and he carries that with him everywhere he goes, in everything he does.)

• They're living in the countryside of France at this point in time, far off from any wandering eyes, a thick forest surrounding their home. Freddy has a few hiding spots that he scouted out within the first few days of staying there. And that's where Michael finds him, hiding out in a small alcove by the a creek, throwing rocks at the trees (and sometimes wildlife).

• freddy doesn't aknowledge him, ignoring him like a child would and bon bon frets nervously between them, not wanting another fight to break out. Michael tells them that he's not here to fight anymore, he just wants to talk. you like to talk, don't you? and freddy doesn't say anything, running his fingers through the dirt, absentmindedly.

• michael asks bon bon to leave so that they can have a private convo and bon bon freaks out like absolutely not, he might hurt you and michael asks freddy directly like "are you going to hurt me?" freddy still isn't talkative, and he's rigid when he shakes his head no after a bit of silence. Bon Bon asks if he's alright with him leaving and freddy just shrugs, still staring at nothing in the distance. bon bon hesitates for a few moments before finally leaving, telling Michael to call out to him if he's in danger but michael rushes him along.

• it's just them now, nothing but the sounds of nature around them. michael asks how he's feeling and freddy shrugs again. Michael strikes up a one sided conversation, stepping closer and closer to him over time not really getting any kinda response out of him but eventually, during his rambling, freddy finally looks at him and says "Y-You just don't get-get it." and then goes back to the silent treatment.

• Michael's quiet, having made his way up to standing right next to freddy (he's only a tiny bit taller than him when he's just sitting like that). he nods his head, considering something for a while until finally he goes "Did I ever tell you about what it was like? Ya know. Being William Afton's golden child?" freddy doesn't say anything but he pauses from drawing circles in the dirt, tilts his head just a fraction to let mikey know he's listening.

• michael stares at the creek. "He wasn't the most outwardly loving father. Wasn't really the nicest one, either. But, I wanted his approval so bad, I'd do anything for it." Freddy slowly turns his head to watch him carefully. that's got his attention. "I did a bunch of stupid shit back then, all cause I wanted to be noticed by him. But all that attention went to my little-" and michael draws in a sudden breath, pained. stays silent for a moment, working up the courage to speak. "I did something awful to my brother. All for my father. And it's an awful thing to say but his death didn't matter. Pops didnt bat an eye and Mom was too far gone by that point after Elizabeth...." he looks back in the direction of the cottage. "Well.... you know what happened to Elizabeth." Freddy's stare is hard and unyielding. "He's gone now and I was the only one who cared enough. His fuckin' abuser cared more for his passing than his own father did."

• "He threw me into the basement. Did you know that?" Michael bounces from one foot to another, anxiety written into his very bones. he's lost in his rambling now, having never spoken these words out loud to anyone. "I killed his son and he locked me away in the dark for three years." Freddy fully turns to give Michael his undivided attention, stock still, hanging off of his every word. "I got out. Eventually. I ran away and lived on the streets for years until someone got a hold of me. Told me my old man was missing, presumed dead. Got a pretty penny from the fazbear business he co-owned with Mr. Emily. Things were going good, I guess. I was overwhelmed for the most part, didn't do anything other than bounce around from hotels every few days. In some way, I felt like he was still out there, watching me. I just kept running. And then i found out about you." He glances at freddy and looks away quickly when he finds an unblinking visage staring back. "Found out about all of you. Locked away in a storage facility for over 30 years. In the dark. All alone." an incredibly long silence stretches out between them, freddy fidgeting, hyperaware of every noise going on around them.

• "You think I don't get it. But I do. I think I understand you more than anyone could." Michael's staring back at him, raw emotion across his face, eyes soft with empathy and that's what makes Freddy turn away from him. Suddenly uncomfortable. "I don't want to fight with you. Not you. Not Ballora, or Foxy, or Eli-" He visibly winces, but regains his composure. "...I just... need you to understand that I want to help."

• Freddy's never been so quiet, and it's such an odd sight. Michael's not sure if he should say anything else or if he should leave the bear alone. the bear speaks up, finally "W-We could've kill-killed you."

• "That was always a possibility, yeah. I woulda deserved it." Freddy's not sure if he likes the way Michael talks about himself sometimes. "I needed to get you guys out of there, though. That was more important than whatever could've happened to me." Michael huffs. "Besides, if I hadn't bailed you guys out then I would've never gone to Paris. Ballora has good taste in real estate, I think." and despite everything, freddy lets out a sudden breath that could've been mistaken for a sensible chuckle. Michael smiles anyway.

• Things settle down afterwards, though there's no bite to Freddy's jokes now. They're not as close as Michael wants, Freddy still keeping his distance, keeping his walls up but it's something.

• Freddy starts watching horror movies with him late into the night and until dawn. Doesn't let Michael sleep in afterwards and he might just regret this but it makes Freddy happy. Things go back to normal in the cottage, as normal as things can be for a motley troupe like them anyways. Michael starts laughing at his jokes more.

#funtime freddy #michael afton #ft freddy #fnaf #sorry for the long winded ramblings but i love these two and wanna develop them in thr au #long post #robot talks #funtime found family au

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silkylious · 4 years

Text

Safe (Kaminari Denki x Reader)

Warnings: slight angst/insecurities, comfort, fluff Pairing: kaminari denki x reader Prompt: #58 “You make me feel safe”

A/N: idk why but i hc that kaminari is actually very insecure but jokes around and shit as a coping mechanism. can you sense the self projection here. hope you enjoy this, it was very fun to write!

You sprung forward, eyes wide awake with alarm. Your mind struggled to catch up with your body; phantom sensations still lingering on your skin, static scenes of vibrant blue flames scorched into your brain as your heavy breaths died down into a slightly more regulated rhythm. This was the fifth time this week. It’s been two full months since the training camp, two full months since you’ve moved into the dorms and you still weren’t over it yet. The nightmares just wouldn’t stop.

You plopped back down on the mattress, exasperated and thoroughly annoyed at having your precious slumber cut short. Again. Honestly, for such a prestigious school, U.A. has probably the worst counseling team you’ve ever seen– or haven’t seen, because despite several of your classmates showing painfully obvious signs of trauma, the school staff has barely stepped in. You huffed at the administration’s incompetence, turning on your side to glare at nothing in particular. A ping interrupted your train of thought, drawing your attention to the device laying on your nightstand. You snatched your phone, unlocking it and immediately squinting at the brightness before checking the time. Three in the morning. Who the hell would text you at ass o’clock in the morning? You knew who.

Pika pika⚡: [image] [image] [image]

some maymays for when you wake up 😌😌

You: they’re called memes ffs

Pika pika⚡: you’re awake??👀

You: no.

The message was left on seen, though the interface of the messaging up was replaced by that of an incoming call. You rolled your eyes, though a slight smile stretched your tired features at the picture of you and Kaminari grinning at the camera. You accepted the call.

“Why are you up?” His voice came through mildly distorted but still as loud as ever, too loud for three in the fucking morning.

“Can’t sleep,” Your answer was slightly muffled by a yawn, betraying just how exhausted you were. The silence that proceeded was deafening, neither of you uttering a word, but you could faintly hear his even breathing. It was oddly calming. You sigh, lids blinking to fight off your drowsiness.

“…You’re still having nightmares?” Words tinged with worry, his voice was much quieter now, gentler. If anything, Kaminari was a great friend. He’d proven that to you time and time again. He was the only one that could tell when you were drowning in hushed misery, seeing through your well-constructed front like it was second nature to him. For someone so astoundingly moronic, he was extremely socially intelligent, and even observant when he wanted to be. And for the umptieth time, he’s showing you just how easily he could pick up on the small traces of discomfort in your voice, the silent plea left unspoken from your lips.

“Yeah…” The reply didn’t come out as resolute as you’d wished it would have been. But it couldn’t be helped. No matter how hard you willed yourself to level your tone in hopes of fending off his concerns, you knew it would all crumble at some point. Go figure your strong façade would fall apart in front of him. It’s always been him. For some reason unknown to you (yet), confiding in him just felt right, secure.

More silence ensued.

Denki was a natural at detecting people’s emotions, but that’s as far as his expertise would go. Sure, he knew how to encourage others, pushing them past their insecurities was as easy as breathing to him. With bright, golden hues and an obnoxiously dorky grin, all he had to do was utter a few optimistic words and that would get the job done. But comfort? Vulnerability? That was so far beyond the shallow waters he’d grown accustomed to. Sentimentalities weren’t his thing, he simply didn’t posses the wisdom and eloquence needed to deal with such situations. His immediate reaction would be to crack a joke, fruitless attempts at lightening the mood but he knew there was a time and place for jests, and this wasn’t one of them. Awkwardness and half-hearted jabs were his immediate reaction… because that’s how he dealt with his own problems too.

“Hey… can I come over? We can play animal crossing or something,” You sure as shit wouldn’t be able to sleep, not in this state. You needed a distraction. A friend.

“What if we get caught?”

“Would you even care if we got caught?”

A light chuckle. “No,”

“Exactly. I’ll be there in a bit.”

The line went dead, he stared at the blank screen of his phone before flopping onto his back. Why you’d be so open with him of all people when he saw just how uneasy around his other classmates, he didn’t know. The list of people he thought were more deserving of your trust was almost unending, and he wasn’t even close to the top of it. One thought brought forward another, each one getting progressively more deprecative, and the sloppily sewn patch over his self-doubt started to tear, ripped off its poorly embedded stitches. He was confident in himself, until he joined class 1-A that is. He just felt… there compared to his peers. His body was nothing to laugh at, but his build was still considerably lean compared to the people he was around. The fact that such a talented, hardworking person had taken interest in him was frankly baffling. He wasn’t as flashy as Todoroki, or as powerful as Bakugo, or as brainy as Midoriya. He was just him. Lackluster, average him. It only added insult to injury when he’d witnessed how they looked at you. They pined for you, and he couldn’t blame them. He craved you too. But god, the nagging thought that you were wasting your time hanging around someone like him, that he was stealing you away from people who were (in his opinion) glaringly more worthy of cherishing you than him, it just wouldn’t go away. You had so many stronger, smarter, better options out there that he couldn’t help but be reminded of how lacking– inadequate he was compared to seemingly everyone else. And yet you chose to get close to him. In a superhuman class full to the brim with prodigies and workaholics, you picked him. It didn’t make the slightest bit of sense.

He was fished into reality and away from his sea of self-doubt when he heard three consecutive knocks on his door. Just how long had he laid there, wallowing?

The door creaked open and you were greeted with the glorious sight of Kaminari in a Pikachu onesie, a ruffled (adorable) tuft of electric, blonde hair peeking out from under the hood. You snorted.

“Nice pj’s,”

Denki blinked, looking down only to realize that he hadn’t changed out of his onesie because of his overthinking session. An embarrassed chuckle escaped him as he scratched at the side of his cheek, a lopsided smile and a cherry tint creeping up his complexion.

“What can I say, I always have to be on brand.”

You loved that about him. He seemed so laid-back, uncaring, willing to roll with whatever punches were thrown at him, playing off jocular comments and rude insults alike with practiced ease. Giggling past him, you situated on his bed, ready to forget about your nightmares and just have fun with your friend. And if Denki was a genius at anything, it was having fun.

Hours flew by at the pace of minutes, it was now six in the morning, the sun had begun to show its yellow glow and you’d spent the entirety of dawn kicking Kaminari’s butt at Mario kart, sharing laughs and fleeting touches. He liked this, you liked this. Despite knowing that he wasn’t by any means the best suitor for you, he couldn’t halt the need to monopolize you. How could he, when your very presence (unbeknownst to you) shoved his insecurities unceremoniously into the backseat in favor of enjoying the moment with you? He hadn’t a clue how you did it, but you always managed to shoo away his doubts just by being there, and he selfishly couldn’t (and wouldn’t) let go of that. You immersed him in riveting ventures of the now, miles and acres away from his overbearing thoughts. All without even trying, without even knowing it.

It was the weekend (thank fuck) and sleeping in sounded like heaven on earth right now. If it weren’t for your nightmares. The fear of recounting those horrid memories in horrific detail again barred your eyes from sleep, regardless of how spent you were. Apparently, Denki’s spidey-friendship senses kicked in again, because he immediately noticed the apprehension on your face, the stiffness in your movements as you were preparing to leave. He knew exactly what was up with you, and he couldn’t let you leave like that, it would eat him up for days. He grabbed your wrist as you turned for the door.

“Do you wanna stay?”

Maybe it was your exhausted mind finally turning into mush, or maybe it was the softness in his voice, the docile concern in his eyes that made you agree on staying. Your compliance surprised you both, honestly. You were both very aware that you wouldn’t have accepted the offer had it been anyone else. But in retrospect it seemed rational. After all, throughout the whole night, not once did you think back to the horrors that would visit you in your sleep, not once did you feel the crippling anxiety clawing at the frayed edges of your psyche. Instead you felt secure, sound. Safe. And you came to an epiphany. Maybe it wasn’t the idea of sleep that scared you, maybe it was the impending loneliness, isolation and uncertainty that you’d often experience without him.

“Yes,”

You laid there, facing each other, a considerable distance between you. No words exchanged, yet you could tell there was a lot on his mind. He decided to voice it all in one question. He knew you were smart enough to catch the underlying self-doubt in his vaguely worded inquiry. Whether you pointed it out or not was entirely up to you, however.

“Why did you say yes to me?”

The articulation caught you off guard, you’d never seen him so… unsure before. Your mind raced with the different possible implications behind his wording, though you decided to quell them all with one single sentence. You smiled, soft and lazy, moving closer to seek out some of his warmth.

“You make me feel safe, Denki.”

And he really did. Even though you came to the revelation mere minutes ago, you accepted it swimmingly, it felt right to do so. It startled you how ready you were to embrace the newfound feelings, but you wouldn’t have it any other way.

Kaminari was stunned, to say the least. He hadn’t expected that response from you and he honestly still couldn’t rationalize it completely either. But for now, the budding feeling in his heart trumped over his ever-present uncertainty, and he wouldn’t have it any other way.

#kaminari x reader #kaminari denki x reader #denki x reader #denki kaminari x reader #kaminari denki #denki kaminari imagine #bnha kaminari #self indulgent writing yayayya #god the projection is heavyy in this one

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brazenautomaton · 3 years

Note

Given that you are literally the perfect candidate for this, I request your assistance. In light of recent animu viewings, and upon stumbling across the TVTropes page for Princess the Hopeful, I was inspired to run a few sessions for my boys. However, digging back through your blog, I found a post indicating you had some fairly negative feelings on the system. As I trust your judgment, I would like your input on How To Make Princess Work, whether these suggestions are thematic and/or mechanical.

well I can't be as helpful as you would think because after a certain point the instinctive shame was too much and I can't even bear to read the current version of it so I don't know what to say "don't do this" other than "don't do anything that was Earthscorpion's idea". I asked someone to read it and summarize for me but then they just didn't do that.

and some of it was mechanical stuff you can't change, and probably the most important one was the post about nightmares as the primary environment, which I can't find now because of course I can't and now I am thinking maaaaaybe I never actually detailed it outside of PM?

the primary environment and source of low-level threat is a Nightmare, which is a little sub-reality bubble created by one person's fear and misery, operating under dream logic, where spirit creatures that are manifestations of that person's fears and flaws dwell, and the person is both the prisoner and monarch, exalted and tormented. the nightmare creatures go out into the world and hurt people and try to bring them back in, so that's the first source of monsters of the week. to put a stop to them you need to find the source, the Nightmare itself, and free whoever is trapped inside. the Nightmare reflects their fear and trauma and etc and you need to at least somewhat understand it to free the person, because you need to convince them they can and should leave. also because the nightmare creatures aren't self-aware it's a situation where starting a fight doesn't mean the end of social interaction; some challenges have to be talked through and some have to be fought and maybe you're doing both at once because the talky creatures don't notice or care you're fighting the gibbering monster creatures and you need to get past both to get to the core

yes, there's a lot of Madoka in that, but when Princess was first conceived Madoka didn't exist so it gets to catch up

higher level antagonists use and exploit these Nightmares. Princesses of Tears drive people to this point on purpose because like Kyubey harvests magical girl despair, the energy released by awakening a Nightmare is what keeps the lights on in Alhambra for a little while longer. evil warlocks use them as a source of disposable minions.

things are bad, it is a World of Darkness, because everything is tainted by Darkness. the taint of the Darkness is not Blizzard fel corruption or sinister black mind control oil -- the taint of the Darkness is fear. people do bad things because they are afraid. if an antagonist isn't cackling and unapologetically evil and clearly Okay To Kill, their actions are motivated at some basic level by fear. set them up so they can be redeemed and helped because a Princess is about fighting fear and balming misery. but also that redeeming them will take away most of their evil powers so that the group doesn't just accumulate a larger and larger posse of warlocks to stomp everything.

Dark Magical Girls should always be able to be redeemed. Ignore whatever stupid fucking subsystem EarthScorpion put into Princesses of Storms that kills them if they turn good, whether it's still the stupid organ implants or he changed it to something else. Basically anything that is a unique subsystem just for them was probably EarthScorpion's idea, he was obsessed with them for some reason

give players lots of opportunities to interact with higher-level antagonists before they are in a situation where one of them has to die, so they can get to know the antagonist better.

never imperil a character's civilian-life relationships unless they have fucked up super hard or you have given them ample, ample chances to prevent it from becoming a problem -- you cannot make it so the best idea is to cut yourself off from your friends so they won't be in danger, that's what lonely and isolated and terrified Dark Magical Girls do

the Queens are maternal figures who cannot give advice relevant to the situation on the ground (can't solve problems for you) but help you work them out yourself (they would love to do more but the dream-state they are in makes it hard to operate on anything but dream-logic)

Princesses are not evil, Queens are not evil, there is no "oh no you're so morally grey maybe you're the bad guys" because that is covered by every other WoD game. the darkness level of the game is keyed off of "how much does it matter that you're truly and righteously good guys? will that help you change things?"

this does not preclude them from getting into conflict with other forces who believe themselves to be or truly are motivated by goodness, but play up how that's a tragic thing that people who want to help the world have to fight

I also had a thing where Princesses basically gambled Belief the way Hunters gambled Willpower, to represent getting extremely emotionally invested in what you were doing and the possibility of being spiritually crushed if you try your hardest and fail. this was a way to get fucking super amped up EX modes on your Charms but not knowing how their system works I can't say how to adapt it

one other mechanical thing I wanted was "a Princess is basically invincible if she's devoting all her juice to keep herself safe, but has very little capacity to actually do anything else; the more effective you want to be at actively doing things to the world, the more you have to put yourself out there and risk being harmed" but again don't know how to integrate that into whatever mechanics they have

if I think of anything else I will let you know

#princess the hopeful

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gerrydelano · 3 years

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Hi! I just read your BPD analysis of Martin (very interesting). Do you have any particular examples in mind with regard to lapses in memory? You mention that a few times in the document, but I couldn't remember any instances of it in canon.

hey there! thank you, i’m glad you liked it :’-) under a cut because not only do i like to hide my rambles like a dainty victorian woman with a fan but this actually did become something, whoops.

i’ll start with the example that angel @ofdreamsanddoodles brought up:

“martin is the one to bring up that notsasha’s monster form looks like sasha, but when tim brings it up later on, he immediately shuts it down as impossible despite having met both jane and michael at that time. i think he does say in 186 that forgettings easier tho.”

honestly, the strongest examples of the lapses in memory are MAG 170 and 186! MAG 170 especially. the fact that those two episodes are so strongly rooted in the core of martin’s character, the type of stuff he can’t mask or talk himself out of, the stuff he might not have even fully realized about himself until it bled into this setting made out of his deepest fears and desires, really speaks volumes about what had to have been going on in his head for a long time before the apocalypse began.

bear with me on this, but domains and the manifestation of someone’s avatar powers remind me a little bit of the stands in jjba, which are “a manifestation of one’s fighting spirit.” whatever deep-set trait, recurrent thought process, hidden insecurity, unshakeable trauma or grotesque desire that could create a stand would be the same thing that creates these things here, too; those parts of a person.

take the way the distortion manifests as an example between when they’re playing off of michael versus helen! i said in this meta that michael shelley’s decades-long gaslighting trauma would have played a huge role in the distortion’s modus operandi when he was its primary baseline, because when he became a part of it, that experience — though he may not have even realized that’s what he went through, even when he finally got to see a glimpse of the real gertrude on the way to sannikov land — influenced the way the thing that killed him would then take shape.

i can say flat out i don’t think there actually are many direct examples of martin forgetting events/information in canon! not in the classic way, at least. but what i saw more of is the implication of an issue with emotional object permanence, and the fear of forgetting. often, when you fear something like this that deeply, it’s because you have a suspicion that you’re already doing it and when you do have any form of memory loss? no, you’re not always gonna remember that you forgot something.

i think i said in the doc that his memory-related stuff is most likely intended on jonny’s part to be connected more to his mother, and the fear of her illness being genetic. watching that happen to her and knowing what it did to him, of course he would fear inflicting that on someone, and that’s just another justification he might have made to himself about isolating “for the good of everyone else.”

(i say “i think” because, without looking to check, this would be my own memory lapses in action so i’ll leave it as an example: i’m pretty sure, but i can’t be sure, even though i wrote it so recently and had been thinking about it so much. memory lapses don’t have to just be pure, black-space amnesia! it can just be a little foggy, it can happen in a bunch of different ways all at once, and a lot of the time you’ll never know. that’s the nature of the symptom! it blows.)

there’s also martin splitting on tim and then sort of... not acknowledging it again, almost like it didn’t really happen, could be an example of trying to ignore his mistakes or it just kind of stopped existing in his head, sort of like how tim’s worm trauma stopped existing in his head because he was so focused on jon’s. like, it wasn’t even that he looked at him and said “i don’t care about your trauma and am choosing to pretend it didn’t happen,” he really seemed to straight up not even recall the real shape of the events that took place because he got so wrapped up in the version of it that would have made him the perfect caretaker to jon’s wounded protagonist.

emotional object permanence issues would basically be all the times he had to make assumptions about his feelings on things based on what he may or may not remember certain sensations feeling like. it’s basically like how a baby forgets something exists when it isn’t right in front of them, only it’s feelings, or the fact that someone loves you, or a bad thing somebody did to you that goes away the moment they’re nice again. splitting is often a sort of memory lapse in and of itself, through that. and martin definitely seemed to split more than a few times in canon.

so, unfortunately, this might not have been what you were looking for! i’ll admit again flat out that there aren’t, like... things i can pull directly in neat little screencaps of him going “wait, what? are you sure?” about things everyone else knows definitely happened, because it probably wasn’t intentionally written out like this & also even if it was, memory lapses aren’t that cut and dry anyway! i hope this helps even a little bit. weirdly, i had fun writing this!

#martin blackwood #the magnus archives #tma #ronologues #martin #asks #anon

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iwantthedean · 3 years

Text

Ma’lak

Summary: Dean helps someone close to him lock away her demons. Pairing: Dean x Reader Word Count: 3130 Warnings: Canon divergence, implied smut, mental health issues, exorcism, angst. Square Filled: Late Night Call for @breakthezone Bingo (LOVE that I can tag now!) A/N: This was borne of a new thing I’m trying in trauma therapy. I hope you all can enjoy it, but please skip it if you think it might trigger you! This is a comfort for me, but I know it may not be that way for everyone. AKF/YANA. Huge thanks to @crispychrissy for making the ma’lak box GIF for me!! I appreciate it more than I can say! A/N2: You may see this again much later in a saga I’ve had running for several years now; that wasn’t how I started out with this in my head, but it quickly turned into that. Just putting that out there ;) If you think you know, shoot me a DM!

“I have an idea. Can you come get me?”

Dean was up and out of the bed in record time. “On my way. Stay there.”

As he pushed his feet into his boots, Dean’s mind raced. It was after midnight; he had been deep in thought about a recent case and hadn’t even realized he dozed off until the phone rang.

She had been on her own for months. Maybe even a year at this point? They talked at least once a month, but hadn’t seen each other since she left in the middle of the night — since Dean had let her go. Demons were dwelling within her and it took all of their strength and focus to keep them at bay. She had lashed out at all of them, more than once, and the last fight she and Dean had gotten into had almost come to blows; the thought of it made him sick to his stomach.

He put those memories and the bunker in his rearview mirror. A stop at the gas station put coffee in his hands and kept him going for the next few hours. Well, the coffee, and a couple rounds of Metallica’s best hits.

“Y/N?” he called after slamming the Impala’s door behind him. He walked carefully up to the isolated camper, catching that the door was slightly ajar. No lights were on and the place was deadly silent. He pulled the handgun from the back of his waistband and called for her again.

Still no answer. Carefully and silently opening the door, he aimed at the driver’s end of the camper, then back towards the bedroom — and right at Y/N.

“Fuck, Dean!” she hissed, pushing the gun away.

He rolled his eyes and clicked the safety before placing the gun on the counter. “You always leave your damn door open at all hours, Y/N/N? Any psycho would waltz in here and —”

“Don’t get your panties in a bunch, Dean. Oh, and check your phone every once in a while. I texted you and told you I’d leave the door open and the hideaway made up so you could crash when you got here. You know, so you wouldn’t wake me up.”

With an exhausted, ironic chuckle, Dean held out an arm and stepped closer to her, but then immediately stepped back. “How are you with physical contact these days?”

“Ha. The last time I had physical contact was the last time you and I had physical contact. I keep to myself. Safer that way.”

Y/N flipped on a dim light over the sink and pulled a plastic cup from the small cupboard, filling it with water. She motioned the cup toward Dean after she emptied it, but he shook his head. She shrugged and left the cup upside down in the sink. She offered coffee; that he took her up on.

As she moved about the camper, Dean now took notice of all the things the moonlight through the couple of windows hadn’t allowed him to see in the chaos of his entry.

Her thin-strapped, cotton nightgown hung to her curves and conjured up memories of his hands running over her curves, his lips on her bare skin — was it possible for her skin to be softer now than it had been before? Her hair was longer and, maybe because he was tired, but Dean was having a hard time not carding his hands through it and tugging just enough to pull a whimper from her perfect lips. He had expected those demons swimming within her being to make her harsher, worn out, tired. Maybe she was all of those things, but it didn’t show when he looked at her.

“Coffee’ll be ready in a few minutes.” She said, turning back to him from the small machine. “Dean? You okay?”

He nodded, clearing his throat. “Yeah, sorry. It’s just, you know — for hiding out for so long and keeping those demons maintained, you look — you look good, sweetheart.”

“You’re a sight for sore eyes yourself.” Y/N smirked and hopped up to the counter. She looked down at her hands as her expression grew somber; sorrowful. “I know that a lot of things have happened, that we said a lot of things. I said a lot of things. This whole thing has been … it’s driven me to be a person I never wanted to be or thought I would be. I didn’t think about the consequences before I did it, I only thought about keeping everyone else safe.”

Dean nodded. “Yeah, I guess me of all people, I can’t fault you for that.”

One end of her mouth tugged up. “Have you forgiven me for all the things I said to you? For how far I let it go before I left?”

He stepped up to the counter, gently pressing himself between her knees. He caressed her face with his rough hands — her skin was softer than he remembered — and pressed the ghost of a kiss to her forehead.

“The only thing I’ll never be able to forgive is myself for letting you stay away for so long.”

Y/N’s head fell, as did her tears. Dean’s hands went to her shoulders, pulling her to him. The top of her head butted against his chest. His hands fell down her arms, his thumbs rubbing over her forearms; on her left arm, he felt the scar of The Mark, the thing that had pulled her out of life. Pushed her out. Whatever it was, she had been gone and he had missed her.

Dean cupped her face again, forcing her to face him. Her eyes were red from the tears, but still the same color he had always been able to drown in. Even the quickest of looks from Y/N had commanded his heart to skip a beat, and he had missed that feeling, too.

She sniffled. “I really missed you, Dean.”

“Missed you, sweetheart.”

The words were uttered against her lips, hanging in the air even as he pressed his lips to hers for the first time in too long a time. She whimpered, not the way he had imagined a couple of minutes ago, but in a way that told him she honestly had missed him as much as he had missed her. Maybe even more. The kiss quickly deepened under the pressure of the chemistry between them; the connection that had always been there. Y/N’s arms wrapped around his middle, holding tight and pulling herself against him as her tongue searched out his.

The urge to touch her hair became a need Dean couldn’t ignore. His fingers slid into her hair at the root before his hands formed fists and he gave the slightest pull. Her whimper this time was exactly what he had wished to hear when he was imagining the scenario earlier.

She gripped his jacket lapel again and used it to push him out of kissing reach. Her chest was heaving, one strap of her nightgown had fallen down one shoulder. Her eyes were wide, filled with both fear and lust.

“What if I hurt you?” she whispered.

“If this is how I die,” Dean replied, tucking his fingers under the strap and kissing the top her shoulder before replacing the strap, “then this is how I die.”

Y/N giggle and kissed his cheek. “Then take me back to bed, Dean. It’s been too long.”

Dean tossed off his jacket before lifting her from the counter. He kissed her soundly as he worked them toward her bed, thinking he couldn’t agree with her more.

Their activities still allowed for a few hours of sleep before they were back on the road toward the bunker. Dean had pressed Y/N for what she had in mind, but she wouldn’t tell him. He didn’t like it, but memories of past arguments that had pushed her away stopped Dean from giving in to his tendency to push the issue.

By the time they neared the bunker, the tension was radiating off Y/N like steam and smoke from an overheated engine. Dean pulled the Impala up to the front door and turned off the engine.

“You ready to talk to me about this?”

“Sam called me once since I’ve been gone. He was panicked.” She swallowed so hard, he could hear it. “When Michael was still possessing you, when you didn’t think you were going to be able to stop him, you went away for a while. To Donna’s cabin.”

Dean shook his head. “No. Absolutely not.”

“Is the box still here?”

“No. Jack’s soul was gone, we tried to put him in the box, Lucifer got to him. He blasted the box.”

She nodded. “But you could make another one? You know how.”

Dean drew in a breath and shook his head. “That box is not an option. All right? Me going into the ocean with Michael, that’s one thing. You spending eternity with these demons, with that Mark, is not.”

She licked her lips. “What if it was only the demons and the Mark? What if we could lock them away?”

“How’re we gonna do that?”

“Are you going to help me make the box?”

He met her eyes for the first time since the conversation had started. He pressed his lips into a thin line and reached for the door handle.

“C’mon. Let’s get inside. Sammy’ll want to see you.”

Sam was just as perplexed as Dean as to what her plan was. Y/N was only sharing bits and pieces with them, promising that when the box was done and she was sure the plan could be executed, she would tell them more.

Dean set to work right away. If there was something that was going to make this all go away, he wasn't going to be the one standing in the way of it. Y/N had promised him that if this worked, maybe they could put the whole thing behind them. She could come home and they could start new. He held on to that promise as he worked to complete the Ma’lak box.

The assignment she had for Sam was less physically exhausting, but still exhausting nonetheless. As far as Sam could find, there was nothing that would allow the Mark or even solely its effects from someone to be locked away for all of eternity.

“The Mark has to have a host.” Sam shrugged and pushed away the thick book in front fo him. “If there was an answer, Y/N/N, we would have found it when Dean had the thing. Before Amara, before — okay, well, a lot of things that you don’t need recounted.”

“Yeah, thanks for that. The difference, Sam, is that I didn’t take this. I — okay, you know how it happened, and I won’t recount that for you, either. Favor returned. My point is, if I didn’t ask for it, why do I have to keep it? Why couldn’t I force it out?”

Sam licked his lips. “I don’t think it works like that. And — and ‘force it out’? Listen, I want this to be over just as much as you and Dean do. I do. But I think you’re getting your hopes up about something that isn’t gonna work. I haven’t heard it from your mouth but I think I get where you’re going with this and I don’t think it’s gonna work. I don’t see how.”

Y/N looked around before taking the seat across from Sam and taking in a breath. She licked her lips and looked him in the eye.

“You still feel the demon blood in your soul sometimes,” Y/N stated. “You have dark moments, especially moments of anger, when you want to pull from that power. You want that darkness to take root and grow. You want it to be a part of you still.”

Sam stood from the table. “Stop it.”

Y/N stood, too. “I live with that darkness, multiplied by numbers we don’t comprehend, every day, Sam, and I keep it at bay. I’m that strong — strong enough to command this darkness out of me.”

His shoulder’s rolled back before he turned to her. “But how?”

Y/N’s hand raised, palm up, level with her waist. She curled her fingers up, and Sam felt his soul squeeze. He could breath, his heart rate increased only a few beats, but he could feel the last effects of the demon blood leaving his soul, his veins, his muscles. His whole being.

Black smoke started to appear between them, plumes shooting out in every directions. Sam’s brow furrowed, but Y/N’s face stayed calm and stoic. When he could feel no lingering drops in his system, Y/N still held the dark, polluted smoke between them, but pulled it closer to herself, until the smoke had disappeared into her body in much the same spot as it had been pulled from Sam’s body.

His jaw dropped. “How did you do that?”

She shook her head. “I don’t know. One I day, I was in town to get groceries. There was a dark streak in this little boy and I thought about everything we’ve all been through, and I wished that I could take it away. I saw him again in the parking lot, and I had the thought again and that streak started to draw out of him, like I did with you. I’ve been working with it, strengthening the ability. I can take in small darknesses, like that one from that little boy, and pull it out later. But I’ve been letting them back out into the open. My own demons, the Darkness locked within The Mark? I can’t let those out into the open.”

“That’s why you need the box,” Sam surmised, “to lock them away.”

“I don’t know how else to do this,” she returned. “I can’t keep living like this. I finally had a family, and this bullshit took it away from me. I’m not going to take that laying down.”

Sam drew in a deep breath and gave a single nod. “Okay. Well, the lore isn’t going to help us. What else can I do?”

Y/N licked her lips. “If things go south — if I’m wrong about this — don’t let Dean came after me. Whether I’m alive or dead, you’ve got to keep him from coming after me. I don’t want him to come after me. No deals, no spells, nothing. This is my only option and if it doesn’t work …”

Sam stepped slowly towards her, remembering that sudden movements could sometimes trigger her. He reached his arms out, and Y/N accepted the hug he was offering.

Dean ran his hand over a warding on the box, brushing away some dust. He licked his lips and stood back.

“All right. I made the box. Now what?”

Y/N exchanged a glance with Sam, who gave her an encouraging nod. She told Dean about the little boy, about the dark pieces she had been pulling from people, and then from herself.

He raised his brow. “So, you want to exorcise yourself?”

“Essentially, yes,” Y/N answered quietly. “I know that it sounds crazy. I know that but if this is even potentially an option, I have to try it. If I don’t try this, or hell, if it doesn’t work, I don’t know how much longer … I just have to try.”

Dean’s eyes glassed over as he considered the part of the sentence she had left unsaid. “So, if this works, we get you back?”

Y/N shrugged. “As far as I can tell. I’ll be back to being me, anyway, and if you want me back, I’ll come back.”

“If,” Dean snorted. “Okay. Let’s do it.”

“I need you to open the box. And to close it when I tell you.”

Sam nodded. “We can do that.”

“Okay.”

Latin words dribbled from her lips in the form of a whisper as she placed her hands on the front of her ribcage, fingers sprawled. She closed her eyes as she continued to say the words.

When the words stopped, Y/N opened her eyes and set her jaw. She moved her hands slowly forward, pulled plumes of black smoke from her body. Agonized screams and angry growling accompanied the smoking, growing louder the further her hands moved out in front of her. The brothers could see her struggling to stay with it, but neither of them moved for fear of hindering the process.

She gasped in relief when the last plume joined with the others and she pushed the thick, black smoke into the Ma’lak box. The screams grew louder; Sam covered his hands with his ears to ward away the screeching. Dean stood firm at the lid of the box though, waiting for Y/N’s signal.

“Now!”

Dean let the lid slam shut before he quickly latched the locks. As soon as the box was secure, he turned to Y/N where she was on her knees on the floor.

“Hey, c’mon, you’re all right,” he encouraged, pulling her into an embrace. “Y/N, look at me. Tell me what’s going on.”

She leaned into his shoulder. “They’re gone. They’re all gone.”

Dean took her left arm and checked; the Mark was still there. “Y/N …”

“I know,” she answered, pulling her arm away from his grip, “but The Darkness is not in here. If that box is opened, she’ll come back. In the meantime, it’s like — it’s like an abandoned house. As far as I can tell.”

Dean’s head fell back in relief as Y/N continued to lean on him while she regained her strength. Sam went for a glass of water, which seemed to help.

“So where do we drop the box?” Sam asked.

Y/N shook her head. “I don’t want to know. If I feel the pull, I don’t want to know where to go looking. You take it, make sure it’s secure, and drop it somewhere I won’t think to look.”

Sam and Dean both agreed, but they weren’t about to take the box anywhere until they knew for sure she was good. A quick call to Donna and Jody had the two sheriffs making plans to come get the box soon and drop it somewhere none of the three of them would know to look.

Dean picked Y/N up off the ground, kissing her temple before pressing his cheek to hers. He knew that she might be able to walk by now, but, after everything they had been through, he needed to take care of her for a while, for his own sake if not for hers.

The Whole Shebang: @illisea @ashleymalfoy @mrswhozeewhatsis @ravenesque @feelmyroarrrr @atc74 @blacktithe7 @moonlessnight14 @kitchenwitchsuperwhovian @smoothdogsgirl @melbrandes @emoryhemsworth @deansgirl215 @calaofnoldor @sleepylunarwolf @chances-and-miracles @sandlee44 @foxyjwls007 @deanwanddamons @carryonwaywardkansas

Two for the Money: @jayankles @akshi8278 @adoptdontshoppets @jerkbitchidjitassbutt

#BTZ Bingo #dean winchester #dean #reader insert #dean x reader #dean winchester x reader #late night call #ma'lak box #iwantthedeanupdates #iwantthedean's tag team #all my lovelies

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elia-de-silentio · 3 years

Text

RECAP ON DOMINIQUE AND NOÉ

So, as finally our girl Dominique has been given a well deserved focus after two years of absence, I want to make another recap, this time about her and especially her relationship to Noé.

Above, here's how Dominique is introduced to us. A confident, charming lady in a somewhat masculine attire, her image surrounded in shojo flowers, claiming to be Noé's fiancée.

Her later appearences at the Bal Masqué seem to confirm her 'Strong & Charming Lady' appeal: she's a graceful dancer, she lives up to the sadistic side implied in her name, she swordfights and her open, assertive personality destabilizes more conventional, 'shy' women such as Nox and Jeanne. She's also shown to be very protective of Noé, worring about him and even torturing Vanitas to ensure he wasn't a threath.

But there's also a softer side to her relationship with Noé - who actually keeps her friendzoned - one made of mutual respect, long-standing affection, comprension and willingness to listen to the other troubles ... partially. She listens to Noé, but doesn't actually tell him her feelings or thoughts, even if our cinnamon roll would very likely listen.

At the same time, some cracks begin to appear in this image. She fails to fight her sister away from Vanitas and Noé (and ends up tied and hanging from the lamp for everyone to see); she's later revealed in her chat with Jeanne about Vanitas that she doesn't know much about relationships, despite what her being so outgoing can lead to think.

Moreover, by this point of the story, Noé's childhood flashbacks have started.

Dominique is the one in the frilly dress, hiding behind her brother. As a child, her personality was very different: a conventionally feminine, shy child. This led people to theorize that her change was brought about by her mourning for Louis, an attempt to keep his memory alive by resembling him as much as she could.

Then we have the Arc of Gevaudan, in which she is barely mentioned, and then we have the latest chapters.

First of all, in chapter 43, we see her interacting directly with her older siblings. And while it was hinted that they didn't have that great of a relationship, here she looks to afraid to be in their mere presence. Every single disparaging remark from Veronica and Antoine (and they throw around a lot of them) gets an almost frozen in fear Dominique as a reaction. It's like, in the presence of her family, she regresses to the shy girl of her childhood, with none of her usual confidence.

Next, in chapter 45, in the midst of trying to keep the "insecure" Jeanne from entusiastically yelling to the world how horny she is for Vanitas, she reveals: 1) that she actually is pretty conventional when it comes to love and relationships; 2) that she sees Noé as dashing and strong and is confirmed as head-over-heels for him; 3) that she doesn't think she is good enough for him.

She believes Noé would prefer Jeanne (when he never indicated anything more than a vague curiosity about her), and when reflecting about it, she thinks back to her siblings' insults.

She thinks that she's not as charming as Jeanne, and then she seems on the verge of a panic or anxiety attack, thinking obsessively about Noé.

The ending of the same chapter reveals that there is a good helping from Misha on her situation: he did something to her, to tamper with her control of her own actions, but still her love for Noé is stronger, she fights back against the order of bringing him to the little creep.

The bigger point, as revealed in chapter 46, is: Dominique has zero self-esteem. Like the flowers around her were spewn around by a machine, that first image we got of her was carefully crafted, to hide an extremely insecure young woman.

Since early childhood, Dominique was unfavourably compared to her older siblings; she isn't as strong of a combatant as Veronica, and as Antoine helpfully points out, she holds no political power, unlike him.

And then there's the whole Louis affair.

The story so far has shown the toll his death had on Noé, but here we see the effect on Dominique, and it was devastating.

She wished she had been the one to die. She believes she's at fault for what happened.

And she gets what in her mind is a confirm: the reason why Louis was kept isolated was because he was her twin, and this in the appearently terribly superstitious vampire culture is seen as bad luck. So, in her mind, if she had never existed, her brother would have had a long and happy life.

Moreover, Veronica sees fit to completely destroy her sister's self-worth by bringing up those 'expectations' Dominique failed to live up to.

Then, with an excellent timing, Noé wakes up from an angst-induced fever, and puts the icing of shit on the cake of shit that has been Dominique's day. He essentially confirmed her worst fears: everyone would have preferred Louis to her. Those who theorized that Dominique's new mannerism where due to trying to keep Louis alive were so right, in a likely worst way than they could ever have thought of.

(Random thought I don't know where else to put: Dominique, in all of the manga,has never been seen in her usual masculine clothing around her family. She had either a ballgown or a nightgown, both very frilly and similar to what she would have wore as a little girl; way to represent her feelings of inferiority in front of them).

And so we have it. Dominique's life has been one of regular emotional abuse and a severe trauma; between the image her family tried to force her to live to and the awareness that only a whim of her father and grandfather -independent of any personal characteristic of the children - left her to live instead of her brother, she developed a very feeble sense of self - and what little personal identity she has, she doesn't like. So she tried to hide it all with a mask, to take on herself the identity of her brother to make someone worthier live in her stead ... but it didn't work out very well.

And the saddest part of all of this, is that Dominique has a very definite identity to those who love her, and it's a great one. Despite not reciprocating her feelings (as far as we know) Noé values her the world as his friend. She has always been here when he needed someone to talk to. She worries about him, but respects his choices. Her love for him is so strong, that it overrides Misha's mind control.

And do we want to talk about Jeanne? Dominique barely knows her, but she sees this girl in a social position other vampires despise, and she immediately bonds with her. She encourages her to get out of her shell, tries to give her advice at the best of her abilities, and she was very willing to risk her reputation and the wrath of her family to protect her.

Dominique is a great friend, an observant and caring person, and she doesn't give a damn about her family's racism and classism. If only she could realize it.

Personally, I don't know where her arc is heading. She's in a very precarious position right now. Her death would give Noé a second trauma and a reason to hate Misha that could lead to a clash with Vanitas (who clearly still cares about his younger brother, as shown by his guilt complex), but would also make Dominique's own arc a very tragic one. Her life would have been defined by being used by others, never realizing her true worth. It would lack closure - which narratively is something that can be done to work, but it's not what I personally would like for poor Dominique.

On the other hand, if Noé manages to get her to safety, then she can be helped. She can be cured by whatever Misha did to her, but above that, she can make her own arc one of self-descovery and affirmation, which definitely would have me cheering on for her.

Knowing Mochizuki's reputation, her survival is quite uncertain; but let us remember that the main theme of this work is 'salvation', and that we already got a surprisingly sweet ending for the Arc of Gevaudan, with everyone surviving and happy.

Until next chapter, we just have to wait and hope.

#vanitas no carte #vnc #vnc dominique #vnc noe #vnc meta #the case study of vanitas #vnc jeanne #vnc spoilers #elia's recaps

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darth-schism · 3 years

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Evidence to Suggest that Luke was NOT all that he seemed in TLJ

Luke Skywalker may have isolated himself because of his guilt/depression. But I also believe he did it for practical reasons, and that his “totally given up” act, was just that, an act. Evidence for this Head-cannon/interpretive take:

1. He made a map to his location

Not only that, but it was so specific, it was literally called “The Map to Skywalker.” The only way it would have gotten a name as tailored as that is if someone else had found him before Rey, or, if he told people about it himself. In any event, to whatever varying degree, Luke wanted to be found and/or influence the galaxy around him.

One piece of the map was tossed around to all sorts of corners of the galaxy, while the rest of it was entrusted to R2D2.

2. This was a deliberate combo to serve two different purposes

- Keep Snoke distracted: The entirety of TFA was Kylo and Snoke obsessing over Luke’s location. Their preoccupation with it was evident and, instead of letting them focus on relentlessly attacking the New Republic, Luke gave them a reason to go on wild goose chases. Consider that Snoke doesn’t go ‘all in’ on trying to destroy the Resistance until after he realizes he lost the race to get to Skywalker. Which shows just how much stock he had put into that singular Jedi. What’s more, even if they had succeeded, they’d only have a useless fraction with no reference as to where in the galaxy Luke’s secret location actually was.

- Meanwhile, R2D2 would also play the role of a “given up/powered down” hero: But we see that, soon as the coast is clear, and some plot heroes arrive with the map, he assessed the situation, turned on, and sent them right to Skywalker. I think it’s safe to say that R2D2 was merely in ‘sleep mode,’ as opposed to ‘shut down.’ However, despite all this, the element of being powered down/unassuming was still crucial because...

3. Snoke made it abundantly clear that when he found Skywalker, he’d blow up the entire landmass he was found, or even theorized to be, on

Luke would never put a population of innocents at risk of complete annihilation just because someone might to recognize him at a local market. So it’s no wonder he chose a place as isolated as he did (On top of that, considering his critical stance towards the Jedi Order by 28ish ABY, it wouldn’t necessarily be a heartbreak to him if the island did end up getting destroyed, or one to anyone else really, because of how obscure/unknown it was...or so he convinced himself).

4. He was picking his battles

If Luke Skywalker wanted to be found. Then why was he so dismissive of Rey? There’s no solid evidence here (aside from the whole existence of the map scheme), but I think there’s good reason to believe that Luke’s instant stand-offish behavior is one of caution and assessment not dissimilar how how Yoda and Kenobi put up an initial façade when they were discovered in exile (but more on that later). In any event, this approach would give him the means to offer personalized help to those who ended up on his doorstep. It honestly didn’t take Luke long to go from tossing his father’s lightsaber, to offering Rey the three lessons she needed to understand the force better. Although I believe Rey’s visit to Luke was far different than what others had probably been but (again) more on that later.

5. He was able leave anytime he wanted

The very clear image of Luke’s submerged X-Wing in the ocean painted a picture of cut ties, and a “no going back” stance. However, it wasn’t the first time that starfighter had been at the bottom of a water bed, and clearly it wasn’t the last. I’m inclined to believe that this is another part of Luke’s deliberate presentation of a hero who had lost all hope. But all speculation aside, there was nothing to physically stop Luke from leaving that island whenever he wanted. There’s nothing to say that he didn’t break form/character operate to find a way to undermine Snoke further.

6. He was actively protecting others close to him

There was a reason Luke getting Grogu at the end of Season 2 of The Mandalorian caused such a stir in Disney, and caused Kennedy to go for Faverau’s throat. All “who’s idea was who’s” arguments aside. At the end of the day it created two possible outcomes for this element of the Star Wars franchise: Either Grogu died in Kylo’s attack. Or there were survivors. Since killing the money making Baby Yoda isn’t necessarily on Disney’s to do list, it’s a reasonable bet that he survives the slaughter (unless he’s returned to Din’s side before Kylo goes ballistic, in which case he avoids it all together). But even if that does happen, this theory still holds a little water). Luke lying low, and operating in secret may have been the only way he was keeping himself, the galaxies citizens, and his few remaining students from getting hit with an orbital strike.

7. He was never fully disconnected from the force.

Perhaps, somewhat disconnected, but it’s clear that Luke hasn’t cut himself off from the force as much as he, perhaps, wanted to admit. Luke is still able to effortlessly summon a weapon, keep control of the duel between himself and Rey, and gently lower his body to the ground when he loses his footing. Despite his stance on using/taking ownership of the force in TLJ, it seems as though Luke kept just enough around so that he could still fight. This theory is more optimistically minded than some of the others, but I still can’t help but think that Luke kept these reserves of power ready, because he already had to use them more than once during his supposed isolation.

8. Rey’s visit was different than the others who had come before.

“You went straight into the Dark. It offered you something you needed, and you didn’t even try to stop yourself.”

“I've seen this raw strength only once before, in Ben Solo. It didn't scare me enough then. It does now.”

Other plot heroes/adventurers may have come, gone, or even convinced Luke to help them in secret. So assuming all, or even some, of the above is true, then that means Luke wasn’t just pushing to dismiss Rey, but also disillusion her. I think this is because Rey wasn’t there to get help with a specific mission, rescue, etc, but there to have Luke become the public symbol of hope again. And we’ve already listed the reasons why this couldn’t happen. On top of that, this push was done in a way that directly conflicted with all the “none theorized” reasons Luke had isolated himself. Luke knew he couldn’t accommodate this. He sensed the darkness in Rey. He sensed her connection to Kylo. In many ways his lessons also doubled as a means to properly evaluate Rey, and confirm his suspicions. In any event, all of this brought up an element of his isolation that no one else knew. He already had the, half truth, story as to what happened to his temple well rehearsed. But it was Rey’s visit that dragged out his greatest regret, which was his near attempt to take Ben’s life, due to both the mind bending fear Snoke had manipulated into palce, and the hypocritical, and self destructive Jedi philosophies that had been drilled in to his head. This was the final straw that made him want to destroy the Jedi texts. But it was also the push he needed to find inner peace, and think of the means to make one last public appearance, without endangering anyone.

9. In no interpretation is Luke an attempt child killer

This is more of a bonus point in nature. I think so many people were caught off guard by the narrative choice Luke undertook in this part of the film, that it painted the whole ordeal in a far more unfavorable light than it actually was. For starters: Ben was no child. He was 23 years old when he fell to the darkside. Luke was saw the images of planetary destruction, and the deaths of friends and family alike at the hands of an adult. But even at that, Luke’s ligthsaber had already lowered, and his face expressing that of shame and sadness, when Ben glances over, and decides to take up his lightsaber, and make the first strike. Luke doesn’t even ignite his lightsaber in response until after Ben swings it. The influence Snoke had over Ben, and the mental attack he lured Luke into suffering, to make this moment come to pass cannot be understated.

- This also means that Luke’s isolation lasted only 7 years. Not twenty, not even 10. Just 7. Which is less than half the time both Yoda and Obi Wan imposed on themselves.

10. He was following in the footsteps of his masters

I think Luke’s response to trauma is a little unfair in some ways. Obi Wan and Yoda witnessed genocide, and imposed exile on themselves for twenty years. Now, in film, we know that Obi Wan, while playing the part of a delusional hermit, worked to protect Luke as he grew up on Tatooine, and that Yoda, playing the part of a silly swamp kook, did...something...on Dagobah (?), waited for Luke to grow up so he could train him for a few weeks at most (?).

Those are two pretty limited things, and yet they don’t catch near as much flack for “abandoning the galaxy to the Empire” as TLJ Luke does, after he also witnessed slaughter, and went into isolation for only 7 years. But, of course, we know Obi Wan did more during his time in the desert, and that Yoda did more during his time in the swamp. So why can’t Luke have also done more while on his island? Everything about the parallels here point to Luke, despite his own misgivings, applying what he learned from his master. All three Jedi isolated themselves because of their personal tragedies. All three greatly reduced their presence in the galaxy. But all three had no choice, and all three still did what they could despite their circumstances.

11. Luke may have been overcome with grief. But he hadn’t truly changed

Now, I fully admit that this is a very optimistic way of looking at things. But some of these points also have more weight to them than others. I also cannot stress enough that even though I think some of what Luke was doing was an act, I also know it was equally proportional to the very real, emotional reasons, and struggles he faced. I also definitely do NOT think Kennedy/Johnson meant for any of these possible theories to have any validity to them. But with how they are presented, they also can’t be disproven.

If Favreau doesn’t formally put the sequels in it’s own little pocket universe, then I really hope he takes the opportunity to make something like ^the above^ happen. It could easily be established in one to two episodes in a live action show. Lots of things could be done to make the sequels a more bearable set of movies to watch. And as much as I’m worried that hoping for this is simply too optimistic, at least now there is a justifiable interpretive take that has both in film evidence to support, and a lack of otherwise to refute.

At the end of the day (and as usual) the important part here is to see that Luke hadn’t given up. Struggling, disillusioned, forced into a tough spot, willingly keeping himself scarce, etc. All bearable. But knowing he hadn’t given up is super important to the character and fanbase, so hopefully we get something that makes that cannon. In any facet really.

AND IT WOULD GET MARK HAMILL BACK ON SET GODAMNIT! XD

*Reblogged with new gifs and information

#star wars #the last jedi #tlj #mark hamill #luke skywalker #the mandalorion spoilers #the mandalorian season 2

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