Chapter Twenty-Five of I'm Sorry, Teenage Mutant What Now? is now up! There's a certain theme in this chapter you'll never guess what it is. Read it on ao3 or below the cut.
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“Alright. So,”
Mikey stared up at his older brother curiously, leaning against Leo slightly, the two of them settled down on the couch. Donnie was perched on the arm of the opposite side, slumped slightly and tapping away at his phone-- but also clearly listening to their eldest brother, stood up before them in the Lair as if he was about to give a presentation.
“About the whole… turtle thing,”
Donnie immediately sighed, making a face, and Raph threw up his hands in protest.
“I ain’t even said anything yet!” He cried, exasperated, and Donnie shot him a dry look.
“Yes, and I already dislike it.”
“Aw, come on, Dee, give him a chance!” Mikey protested, picking his head up so he could offer Raph an encouraging little grin. He knew this wasn’t exactly, like, a favored topic of discussion in the household, but it wasn’t like they could just ignore it, either! At least not all the time.
“Okay, so, I’ve been thinkin’ about it a lot lately, and don’t y’all kind of think that it might sort of be… safer?”
“No,” Donnie said.
“Donnie…!”
“He has a point!” Mikey protested, crossing his arms over his chest. “I mean, we have shells when we’re all turtley. If Raph had been a turtle on our last ninja mission, his ribs wouldn’t have gotten all messed up!”
“Exactly!” Raph said, pointing, seeming very pleased that at least one of his brothers was offering some support. “Look, I know you guys don’t like it, and that’s… fine! I mean, I’m not askin’ ya to like it! I just think, maybe, it’s somethin’ we should consider for at least, like… ninja mission stuff?”
Leo wrinkled his nose, seeming unconvinced to say the least.
“I dunno,” he said. “I mean. Yeah, sure, I guess, arguably, they’re a bit more sturdy, but… we’re not really used to even walking in those bodies yet. Let alone fighting! I know adrenaline is a kickass drug and all, but doesn’t it kind of seem like more risk than it’s worth?”
“You still can’t walk?” Mikey questioned, giving Leo a curious look, his brows furrowed.
Leo paused, slowly turning his head to give Mikey a long stare, his expression strained.
“... Excuse me?”
Mikey frowned, tilting his head to the side. “I can help if you want! It’s not that hard once you get the hang of--”
“I’m sorry,” Donnie interrupted, his head snapping around. “Are you implying that you have been spending your free time willingly futzing around in a mutant turtle body just for the fun of it?”
Now it was Mikey’s turn to stare, his head bobbing around from brother to brother, trying to see if either of them were joking-- waiting for someone to say psyche.
Wait, were they for real?
“... None of you have checked yourself out in turtle form at all?” He gawked.
“No! Why would we?!” Leo cried, throwing up his hands.
“‘Cause! That’s, like, us!” Mikey argued, throwing his hands up in turn, imitating his brother. “You’re seriously telling me you’re not even a little bit curious!? You guys are all just ignoring it!? We find out that we have magick mutant animal forms, like, freakin’ animorphs, and you don’t even wanna bother seeing if we have any cool powers or turtle abilities or anything?!”
“Have you actually read the Animorph books? Because if you did I’m pretty sure--”
“That’s not the point!” Mikey interrupted Donnie with a whine. “When I’m a turtle, I can, like, go inside my shell! If some bad guy was trying to, like, stab me or something, I’d be totally screwed,” he argued, crossing his arms firmly over his chest with a pout. “But if I was a turtle, I could just pop into my shell and I’d be totally okay!”
“I cannot believe what I’m hearing right now,” Leo muttered. “We find out that we’re secretly freakish mutant reptiles, and you think it’s a fun hobby--”
“I’m not saying that, Leo!” Mikey protested. “But what’s the point in just ignoring it? If you don’t check it out, you’re never gonna get used to it. Besides, Raph is right!”
“Thank you, Mikey,” Raph sighed. “You guys don’t have to do it all the time or anything! I just think… It might be a worthwhile option to explore. I don’t want anyone getting hurt,” he sighed, rubbing the back of his neck, his eyes kind of sweeping over them all, as if he were making sure they were all still here and uninjured and accounted for.
“Plus, it’s kind of cool once you get over the whole, like, world-shattering parts of it!” Mikey chirped, moving to grab at his bracelet. “Here, watch, lookit what I can do--”
Both twins immediately slapped hands over their eyes, loudly protesting in tandem.
“Don’t you dare--!”
“I am not looking and you cannot make me--”
“Hamato Michelangelo if you take off that fucking bracelet right now I will murder you--”
“I am OPTING OUT, thank you VERY MUCH, we are so not doing this today!!!”
Mikey blinked in surprise, and then absolutely scowled, releasing his hold on the bracelet. Oh, so Donnie could go have a breakdown in the Hidden City in his turtle form, but he wasn’t allowed to show them his shell thing!? So unfair…
“You guys are being babies!”
“Nope! Nope, not today! I’m out! Fuck this!” Leo responded, hopping up to his feet and making a hasty retreat towards the Lair stairs. “You play turtle all you want, I am not involved!”
“Agreed,” Donnie huffed, and he was right behind his twin.
And then there were two of them left in the Lair.
Mikey sulked, sinking back down onto the couch and pursing his lips. “Aw, come on…”
Raph watched the other two go, laughing kind of nervously before he hesitantly moved to join the other, sitting down beside him. “Sorry, big man,” he said, ruffling his hair gently. “You can still show Raph if you want?”
Mikey sighed. “Maybe later,” he said, wrinkling up his nose. “I thought they’d at least be kind of okay with it by now! I mean, it’s been how long?”
“I think it’s just… a little harder for them than it is for you,” Raph said with a weak shrug, hesitating a bit, and Mikey frowned, turning his head slightly so he could catch Raph’s eyes.
“What about you?”
Raph laughed sort of nervously, looking to the side.
“Well. I mean. I don’t… like it. I mean. I ain’t you. But it’s… it’s… alright. I mean. I meant what I said! It might be good for us. Keep us safe ‘n all.”
Mikey raised a brow. “And…?”
Raph hesitated for a bit, and sighed. “I mean. Look, Mikey, it’s a little… scary. I’m a lot bigger than you guys! And… sharper!”
“Yeah, but you’re always bigger than us!” Mikey protested, leaning against his brother, burrowing up against him.
“Yeah, I know,” Raph said. “And that was scary once, too. But it’s… It’s fine. I dealt with it,” he said, shrugging a little, frowning to himself. “So now I just gotta…” He broke off briefly, setting his expression for a moment. “Now I just gotta learn it again. That’s all.”
He sighed very softly. And Mikey frowned a little.
“I’m used to being big and scary. I’m used to people being afraid of me sometimes,” he said. “So. It’s nothin’ I can’t handle.”
“Yeah, but…” Mikey began slowly, kind of shrugging a bit. “I mean. We’ve never been scared of you or anything. You know that, right? We don’t care if you’re bigger than us,” he pointed out. “We never have! And we don’t care if you’re spiky, either, I mean… all our turtle forms are weird.”
Raph forced a small laugh.
“Yeah. Yeah, I know,” he said, sort of waving off his concerns. “That’s not… I mean. I dunno, Mikey, it’s just sorta complicated. I mean. There’s just kinda… there’s less things you can be when you’re big, you know?” He said slowly, resting his chin in his hand. “It’s… you know. It’s hard, sometimes. Being strong and careful at the same time. Even when people aren’t careful with you. And making sure you don’t hurt anyone and… all that.” His eyes looked a tiny bit far off for a moment, like he was remembering something. “And… you guys can kinda do whatever you want! You can be all… little or bouncy or feminine or cute or delicate or whatever the hell else, and you just… can’t really do that stuff when you’re big. Once you get big enough, you just kinda gotta… There’s just stuff you can’t do anymore.”
Mikey paused a moment.
This was… the first he was ever hearing of this.
Was this… really how Raph thought?
“Yeah, you can!” He protested, his brows twitching a bit, furrowing as he stared up at his brother. “Raph, of course you can be all that stuff! Why couldn’t you!?”
Raph scoffed, shooting the other this little half-hearted half-smile. “Well, I mean, I guess I technically can? It’s just not as simple as it is for you guys,” he said with a dismissive wave of his hand. “I mean, you guys can do half of that stuff without even trying! And no one would even bat an eye. But it’s just… It’s not really the same for me? It’s like…” he scoffed softly, seeming almost amused. “Raph can pick up the rest of ya, but none of you could pick up Raph! It’s a little different!”
Mikey pursed his lips, giving Raph a pointed scowl.
“Well, you’ve never let any of us try,” he argued. And Raph laughed.
“Yeah, ‘cause you’d hurt yourself!” He teased, and Mikey socked him in the arm without too much heat to it.
“You don’t know that! We’re way stronger than we look!” He insisted. “And all that other stuff! I mean-- you could totally do that stuff, Raph! Just because you’re bigger doesn’t mean you can’t be cute!!! What kind of--!? I mean!!! Raph!!!”
He jumped forward, grabbing onto his brother’s face so he could stretch and squish his cheeks angrily.
“You’re already cute all the time, idiot!!! You don’t have to be small to be cute!!! That’s stupid!!!”
Raphael scoffed, laughing loudly, trying to bat Mikey away, though Mikey was suddenly aware, in a way that he usually wasn’t, that he was taking care to temper his strength. He wasn’t just batting at Mikey the way Mikey would bat at him. Every movement he made was careful and deliberate and planned. He thought about every jab or swipe that he made at his siblings.
Mikey was almost ashamed that he had never thought about his before.
He was never gentle with Raph when he jumped on him or grabbed at him or climbed on his shoulders because it never felt like he had to be. Raph was over a foot taller than him. He probably had at least a hundred pounds on him. Mikey had always been the smallest, and while he certainly wasn’t weak by any means, Raph was a goddamn wall of muscle. An unstoppable force! He had never met anything that Raph couldn’t push and bend and sway if he tried hard enough. So every time they met an obstacle, they all just… looked at him and waited for him to take care of it.
He… Yeah.
He was big.
Mikey supposed he had always looked at his brother and came to that conclusion, and then never thought any further on the subject. He had always expected Raph to be big and strong and sturdy. He had never wondered if he wanted to be anything else.
Why did he do that?...
Mikey let go of Raph, and he climbed back down off of him, sitting next to him on the couch instead of half on top of him. And he sighed deeply.
“You’re not scary,” Mikey said after a second, blinking slowly as he slowly settled back down on the couch. “And you can do all that other stuff, if you want to. We would let you,” he pressed. And he frowned, and he kept quiet for a moment.
“... I’m sorry it feels harder,” he finally said, tilting his head to the side slightly. “And… we’re not always careful with you.”
Raph stared at him for just half a second, hesitating for only the slightest moment before laughing again and waving him off. “What are you talkin’ about? You don’t gotta apologize, none of ya’ did anything wrong! This is Raph’s thing. It ain’t your problem,” he insisted, but Mikey wasn’t so sure that that was exactly the case.
He would work on it.
Because Mikey was suddenly so, so sure that this was something he wanted to fix. And something that he could do.
This was still the something that he could give to them.
“Still,” Mikey finally said, shrugging a bit and taking a long breath before getting up to his feet. “Do you still wanna see me do the shell thing? It’s really cool!” He offered, wiggling his brows at his older brother, and he chuckled in reply, nodding.
“Yeah. Yeah, sure, big man, show me your thing,” he invited, and Mikey grinned.
---
“Raph!” Mikey chirped excitedly, spinning around on his heels so that his back was facing the older brother. “Here! Les’ play piggyback!”
“Okay!” Raph agreed easily, absolutely beaming at the invitation, wasting no time in scampering over to Mikey. Their trip to the zoo, which had so far been absolutely abound with all sorts of excitement, to Mikey’s absolute delight, had taken a short departure from the previous energy while their dad tried to calm a squabble between his other two brothers. This was a bit less to Mikey’s delight. He wasn’t really sure what they were carrying on about, ‘cause he hadn’t really be paying attention. Those two were always fighting about something. He thought maybe it was about hair? Whatever. The point was, just sitting here and listening to them whine was boring.
But playing piggybacks?! That was fun! They could make a game out of it or something--
“Jump on--”
Their dad paused from his current task in peacemaking, however, just long enough to grab Raph by the shoulder right as he was about to make good on his baby brother’s invitation and jump on top of Mikey’s back. Before it even began, the game came to a grinding halt.
“You’re too big for that, Red, you’ll hurt him,” Dad bit out quickly, sparing them the most momentary of glances. “Play a different game.”
And just like that, he was back to his previous duty, trying to talk the twins through their latest drama in between their protests and tears.
Mikey paused, blinking in surprise as he processed this.
They couldn’t play piggyback? But…
“No fair…” He whimpered, his lower lip wobbling a little. He wanted to pretend he was a Jupiter Jim spaceship or something! And Raph could’ve been Jupiter Jim!
Raph hesitated visibly, glancing between their dad and Mikey, his brows furrowed. And after a minute, he sort of forced a smile, leaning over to grab Mikey and shake his arm a bit.
“That’s okay, Mikey! I don’t have to piggyback you,” he assured quickly. “You can just piggyback me, instead! Raph doesn’t mind. That way we can still play! Alright?”
And Mikey grinned.
---
Okay. Alright. You can do this. It’s not a big deal. You have this totally under control--
Donnie’s hand lingered over the bracelet on his wrist.
And then at the last second, he flinched away like he had just been bitten, a short, high-pitched whine escaping him as a full-body shiver ran up and down his body. Nope, nope, nope!!! He did not have it!!! It was a big deal, actually, ugh, no, no, no, just thinking about it felt gross. How the hell was he supposed to consider this when just the idea made his stomach flip!?
Donnie growled softly in annoyance, laying his head down on his desk with a solid thunk, glaring down at the polished surface as if it were personally responsible.
God. It just felt so fucking alien.
Had they really spent the first five years of their lives like that?
No matter how much evidence was piled up in front of him, Donnie still struggled to wrap his mind around such an idea. I mean, that was practically a third of his life! And he just forgot about it?! He had a near-photographic memory! How did something like that happen!?
Part of him wanted to not believe it at all. It would certainly be easier to be in denial.
But, much to his annoyance, far too many things just… made sense.
He had too many memories, some recently resurfaced and some long-ago explained away, to simply dismiss the idea. He felt pretty stupid thinking about it now, quite frankly. Yeah, of course normal kids don’t have memories of ‘playing pretend’ in sci-fi movie-magic high-def like that!!! Obviously!!! None of his other memories were like that, were they!? When they would pretend to be Jupiter Jim or Lou Jitsu or whatever when they were older, it was exactly that, wasn’t it? Just them-- just kids playing make-believe games.
And yet he had just accepted the easiest thing. The most logical, most reasonable thing was just to believe that memories were weird and leave it at that, and that their early childhood was probably kind of fucked up, but human the entire time, and go from there.
Because… of course it was. Obviously, it was. Anything else would have been insane!
It was still insane. Even if it was, apparently, the truth of the matter.
It had been so much easier to blame all the freaky things they did as kids on something else. He and Raph bit people like feral pomeranians as kids simply because they hadn’t had the chance to socialize with other children before, of course. Not because they were carnivorous reptiles, prone to bouts of hunting instincts taking over. And he and his siblings got so sleepy in the cold and adored their heated blankets simply because poor circulation ran in the family. Not because they were literally made of cold-blooded creatures! That would be crazy. And Leo and he’s penchant for communicating entirely in animalistic clicks and chirps throughout early childhood-- a habit that still lingered even now? It was a twin thing, obviously, and nothing else. Because that would be crazy!
Not them literally talking to each other in fucking turtle or anything!
‘Cause how the hell would that work?
How the hell else would Leo fucking squeaking at you make sense, dum-dum? He thought bitterly to himself. It had been years and years now since they had properly employed their ‘twin language,’ but Donnie was pretty sure that it had never been a proper language at all. It wasn’t like they had any words in it, or they ever discussed what certain noises meant beforehand, at least not that he could recall…
But they could still always understand what the other was saying regardless, couldn’t they?
Donnie groaned softly, lifting his head back up just so that he could rub at his temples. Christ, thinking about all of this was just giving him a migraine. He quietly asked the universe what he had ever done to it for them to make his life a fucking joke. What was this, a parody of some Marvel comic or something!?
He hated thinking about it.
But…
He reached for his wrist again.
He touched the little crystal, his fingertips just barely brushing the surface.
He quite nearly gagged, another horrid shudder running up his spine as he spiraled back into a retreat. Ugh, god, he couldn’t just not think about it, either! Every hair on his body was standing on end, and he grit his teeth, forcing himself to start reciting pi in his head instead. Dammit. Dammit. Dammit.
He ran his fingers across the seams of the compression sleeves on his arms, reminding himself that they were there before he quickly turned back to his computer, snapping open several files and syncing up his headphones with the bluetooth.
He smacked the play button, and whatever random EDM playlist he had queued up on Spotify immediately began blaring through his ears, drowning out everything else.
Much better.
He sighed deeply, narrowing his eyes slightly as his gaze roamed over the screen. It was fine. He was fine! All he needed was a distraction for a little bit.
He had already made a decent amount of headway in trying to recreate Baron Draxum’s research, translating and decoding everything he could remember from the notes he had reviewed and documented in his lab. It was patchworked at best, but it was the only solid information he really had on the mutation project…
That, and himself.
Donnie set his jaw, scrolling his way through the data sheets he had compiled.
He had made some decent headway. But he could always make some more.
---
Quite frankly, Leo had felt, like… great recently? Which was pretty insane, given the general state of things, and also how fucking awful he had felt not the long ago. And, like, sure, things were still kind of rough and he wasn’t exactly tickled about the whole situation, but somehow, at the same time, everything was just…
So good.
He had really only been on T for a few weeks, so he was pretty much sure that nothing had actually changed yet and it was in his head, but he had literally never felt so fucking good about himself before. His brothers had taken the time to inform him of how fucking insufferable he and his ego had become, and Leo didn’t even care, because damn right he looked good and obviously everyone should know about it, too! He had started taking about eight million selfies every day because he wanted to document the process, Dee, it’s science, I’m coming for your brand, shouldn’t you be supportive of this kinda thing?
But it was just, like… even if nothing had changed yet, at least not noticeably, it was… It was going to. It was an active work in progress and he was just so goddamn thrilled about it. And like, yes, okay, things were weird and kind of scary right now and he was spending a lot of time doing ninja training and trying to stop the actual literal end of the world, or whatever, and that was sort of a lot of pressure? But here was the thing-- and he would never admit it out loud--
But he sort of didn’t mind any of it.
Because yeah, all the ‘ninja training’ stuff was difficult and boring sometimes, but he got to do it with his family.
And, like, yeah, some of the stakes here? Were a lot, and it was terrifying if he thought about it too hard.
But him and his siblings and his dad? They were all doing it together.
If word that he was enjoying hanging out with his family ever got out, obviously his rep would be ruined, so he had to take it to his grave. But he was. He was, like… happy. Happier than he had been in a while, in between everything else, in between the worry about his dad and the concern for his siblings, sure, but he was also, like…
Weirdly happy.
Was that bad?
Oddly enough, he was really, stupidly happy right now, and maybe he just didn’t…
Didn’t want to give that up…?
Leo frowned a bit, biting the insides of his cheeks as he spun his bracelet idly around on his wrist, his nose wrinkled up a bit.
It was silly, really. It wasn’t as simple as “if you take it off, you’ll be miserable again.” Things were obviously different than they had been before, when they first got home, in a lot of ways! There was no formula, no clear cut-and-dry cause-and-effect, he didn’t know that that would happen, it was just…
Well, what if he was?
What if he tried to do ‘turtle stuff,’ or whatever the fuck Raph had said exactly, and then everything was horrible again? What if everything just went back to the way it was?
Right now, Leo was pretty sure that he, like, liked himself. Like, actually for real! Almost all of him, even! He could look at himself in the mirror again, he could shower without crying, he could post selfies on his instagram and stand to be filmed and looked at and wear make-up and nail polish without having a crisis-- all things that he loved to do! All things that he had missed so, so deeply when he had hated himself too much to enjoy any of it.
He hadn’t liked hating himself. And he didn’t wanna do it again.
But what if he took it off, and then he did?
What if he took it off, and then there was no solution this time? He couldn’t start T a second time. So what if he just got… stuck…?
Leo groaned loudly, tilting his head back and burying his face in his hands, scrubbing at his eyes.
This is so stupid! Raph is right and you know it! And none of this shit even makes any sense! Why would you go back!? It wasn’t the turtle thing, it was-- it was everything, it’s not that simple, and even if it was, you still need to get over it…!
“Did something happen?”
Leo jerked in surprise at the sound of his father’s voice-- he hadn’t even heard him passing through the hallway, and yet now here he was leaning against the doorframe. Ahhh, stupid ninja father…!
Rapidly righting himself, Leo straightened his back and cleared his throat, attempting to wave his father off. “Oh, they just kicked Dean off of the Bachelorette, which is obviously messed up because he’s clearly the hottest one there? I mean, I know it’s all, like, the producers, or whatever, but come on--”
“Mmm-hmmm,” Dad said, nodding thoughtfully as he slowly made his way into the other’s room, leaving him the time to chase him away if he wanted to. (But Leo himself was surprised to find that he didn’t.) “And…?”
Dammit, usually Dad always fell for Bachelorette based lies. Leo hesitated a second, staring up at the ceiling and tugging at one of his own curls-- straightening it out and then letting it go, feeling it bounce up against his cheekbones.
(He loved his hair. He loved loving his hair. He had come so close to cutting it off, and if he had, he would have been fucking devastated now. What if he ended up hating it again? What if he did cut it off…? He didn’t want to cut off his hair!... He loved his hair…!)
“Do you think we’d be, like… better fighters as… turtles, or whatever?”
His dad hummed thoughtfully, sitting down at the edge of his bed and seeming to consider this for a moment. “Well. I don’t know about that. But I suppose there could be advantages,” he finally said. “Though there could be drawbacks, as well. Why do you ask?”
He sighed deeply.
“Well. Raph thinks-- I mean. Raph said that he thought maybe it’d be, like… safer, or whatever. And we’d get beat up less if we had, you know, shells and body armor and stuff? And…! I mean, he’s right, we probably would be, but I don’t… we’re not used to it, and, and it’s different, and it’s, you know, it’s not stealth, obviously, so I’m not--”
He frowned deeply, wrinkling up his nose.
“I still don’t… like it. I guess is the problem, actually,” he admitted.
Dad sighed thoughtfully.
“Well,” he finally said. “That is certainly understandable. I don’t like what I look like without the bracelet, either,” he admitted, looking slightly to the side, his eyes dancing away for just a moment before he managed to herd them back. “I do admit that being safer and less prone to injury does sound very nice to me…! But that is just me being selfish. And your father,” he laughed. “... I do not want any of you to get hurt. And I… I would like you to be safe. But no one will force you to be in any body that makes you unhappy, Blue. That’s not safe, either, and I suppose I can’t…” He sighed a bit, sounding almost frustrated. “It wouldn’t be fair for me to prioritize one over the other.”
Leo frowned a little, wrapping his arms around himself.
“But you do think we’d be safer, don’t you?” He pressed.
Dad kind of floundered for a second. “I don’t want to tell you what--”
“Yeah, yeah, our bodies, our choice, you love us, other quotes from parenting books, blah blah blah. I get it, Dad,” Leo scoffed, rolling his eyes. “Like, thanks, or whatever. But I want your actual, honest opinion, okay? Do you think we’d be safer if we were turtles when we fought and went on missions and stuff?”
It took his dad a little bit to respond, and Leo did his absolute best to his patient, only fidgeting a tiny bit.
“It is… not simple. I think there are situations where you’d be better served as humans, but I… I do think there are situations where you might be better off as turtles, too,” he finally admitted, and then gave a short, somewhat strained laugh. “Thank goodness you were all turtles when you were little. I think you may have all ended up with brain damage otherwise with how often you threw each other around…! I was always shocked by how resilient you were, even when you were tiny, but I was certainly grateful for it, as well!...”
Leo kind of screwed up his face for a moment, tilting his head to the side.
“Well, then how come you don’t fight without your bracelet? We don’t want you to get hurt either, you know.”
Dad seemed almost surprised for a moment, staring at Leo for a second, and then, to his quiet surprise, he laughed.
Leo scowled, rolling his eyes and crossing his arms over his chest, waiting for his Dad to stop snickering.
“Okay, let me in on the joke already, Pops--”
“Blue,” he finally said, shaking his head a tiny bit. “I am not a turtle. You know that, don’t you…?”
Now it was Leo’s turn to stare at the other for a moment.
“You’re not!?”
“No!” Dad laughed. “I-- I’m sorry. I should not…! I suppose you would have no way of knowing, it just…!”
“Why the fuck aren’t you a turtle if we’re turtles!?” Leo cried. “Why wouldn’t I think you’re a turtle!? The rest of us are turtles!!! Obviously, you should also be a turtle!!! If you’re gonna do a bit, then commit to it!!!”
Dad just laughed, wiping a few tears from his face.
“If you’re not a turtle, then what the hell are you?!” Leo cried. And it took a second, but Dad’s laughter died back down.
And then the two of them were just sitting in silence. Leo looked at his dad. And his dad looking at his own feet.
Leo winced, immediately backpedaling.
“Sorry. Forget I said that. You don’t have to--”
“I’m a rat,” Dad said, before he could even finish his sentence. “I was mutated with a rat.”
Leo stayed quiet for a second, slowly processing this.
He hadn’t actually expected his dad to… answer him.
A rat. Their dad was… part-rat.
For a second, he just sat with this new information, turning it around in his mind a few times and considering it. And to his quiet surprise, all of a sudden, when he reached back through his memories, he could feel soft fur on his skin. And he could recall whiskers tickling his face; a sensation long forgotten, but suddenly paired quite definitively with the feeling of being wrapped up in his dad’s arms, back when he was still tiny, or having a good-night kiss pressed onto his forehead at bedtime as a toddler.
A rat.
That… made sense, actually, now that he knew it.
That felt right.
But still, the next thing he said was, “Why the fuck are we turtles and you’re a rat?”
Dad chuckled, shaking his head. “I could not tell you, my son.”
“Who the fuck was in charge of this!? Turtles and a rat? Seriously?! Wait, is this why you have eight million snacks hoarded away in your room!? And can always tell if we snuck snacks or didn’t brush our teeth and stuff!?”
“Well, I don’t think the rat thing was really planned--”
“Good! Because, uh, lowkey, I’m just saying? Kind of fucking racist!” Leo exclaimed, throwing up his arms, and Dad nearly choked this time on the absolute snort of laughter that erupted from him, bowing his head to cover his face with his hands, his shoulders absolutely trembling with barely contained hysterics.
“You know what, Blue?” He finally got himself together enough that he could bite out a reply through wheezy breaths. “You are absolutely right.”
---
“Daddy,”
Yoshi sighed softly at the sound of the quivering, sobbing cry of his youngest son, reluctantly pausing in his current task of attempting to clean up the kitchen area and turning to instead meet the child, running to him on toddling little legs and wiping the tears from his face.
“What’s the matter, my son?” He questioned, kneeling down to meet him. Mikey came crashing into him at full force, throwing himself into his chest, and Yoshi grunted softly at the impact, just barely managing to not lose his balance and remain upright.
“It’s n-not f-faiiirrrrrr…” Mikey wept miserably, grabbing fistfuls of his fur and curling up in his arms, hiccuping pitifully as he looked up at him with wide eyes.
“What’s not fair? What happened?” He questioned, his brows furrowed slightly with concern at the absolute distress his child was in.
“I--” He broke off for a second to sob, snuffling loudly and huffing to try to catch his breath, needing a moment before he was able to continue. “I w-want a tail, too…!”
Yoshi blinked slowly.
“Orange, you have a tail.”
“No, I don’t!” Mikey shrieked in distress.
“Yes, you do! You have a little tail right on your butt under your shell right here! I can see it!”
“That doesn’t count!” Mikey wailed, and Yoshi sighed softly.
“What do you mean it doesn’t count? It’s a tail!”
“But it’s little!” Mikey sobbed. “I w-want a long tail, like Donnie and Raph and you! It’s no fair!!! I can’t even see mine!”
Oh, for god’s sake…
“Orange, I cannot give you a different tail.”
“But it’s no fair!” Mikey shrieked. “I want a tail like your tail!!! It’s no fair!!! How’s come you get’ta have a long tail!?”
“Michalangelo, I have a rat tail because I am a rat.” He couldn’t believe he was explaining this. “And you have a turtle tail because you’re a turtle.”
“B-but Donnie and Raph are turtles and they have long tails!”
“Well, they are different types of turtles,” Yoshi said with a shrug. Mikey sobbed.
“B-but-- But I want one too!”
Yoshi resisted another sigh.
“I know. I am very sorry, Mikey. I would give you my tail if I could,” he tried to soothe, and goodness, would he. He knew that his children took great joy in grabbing onto it and hanging on while he dragged them around, (one of Yoshi’s least favorite games, quite frankly,) but he despised the thing. It was annoying to lug around, always pulling at his lower back, and just a constant reminder of every way that he was wrong now. He didn’t think he would ever be able to quite adapt to having an additional limb.
There were many things he had grown used to by now, though he still didn’t like them. He had learned to tolerate the absolute power that scent ruled over his life now. He had reluctantly grown to accept the blurriness of his vision. He had adapted to the odd teeth in his mouth and how they grew, doing his best not to allow them to get out of hand and became painful (though he was not always the best at this,) and had grown to accept the whiskers on his face and how they twinged when they brushed something, the fur covering his body, the claws on his hands and feet and how his legs bent in a different way now.
But the tail? The tail he still couldn’t quite accept. It was just too different. Maybe with some more time, he would, but… He wasn’t exactly convinced.
Mikey continued to sob, and Yoshi huffed a bit, slowly easing himself back to his feet, keeping the toddler tucked up against his chest while he cried. He got the impression that it might take a bit before he was ready to accept this fact of his life and calm down again…
So he supposed he would just have to figure out how to finish cleaning the kitchen and carry a sobbing toddler at the same time.
---
Raph was the biggest brother. The brother who was the biggest. It was his job to keep an eye on all his little siblings and make sure everyone was okay and following the rules, and he was pretty good at it, too, he thought. In addition to this, he was captain of the school’s football team-- he had been shocked when the votes were tallied up in his favor, because he was only a junior, after all, not a senior like the captain usually was, and were they sure!? But evidently, they were, and the honor had gone to him-- and Raph thought that he actually did a pretty okay job at that, too. It had been a really good season last year. They went to states and everything!
Not only was he captain of the football team, but he currently held the title of captain of the swim team, as well, and the basketball team, and the wrestling team. And quite frankly, he wasn’t sure why in the world he kept ending up in the captain’s chair? He had never really thought of himself as a leader before, and even now, he was hesitant to wear such a title…
But if he had learned one thing about leading people so far, it was that you had to lead by example.
And it wasn’t fair for him to ask Donnie or Leo to tolerate being in weird, alien mutant forms if he wasn’t willing to stomach it too.
Which he could do! He knew he could. He just…
Needed some practice. That was all.
He had been down here for about twenty minutes now, just lazing about in the Lair and trying to get used to being like this. He had spent quite a bit of time pacing and wandering around before he had finally ended up here, plopped down in the middle of the room on his stomach, his arms curled up under his head as he took quiet note of his tail and how it felt sliding back and forth behind him-- just trying to memorize the weight and the movement of it, listening to the soft noise of scales on concrete.
Shhhh shhhh.
He had just been starting to think, yeah, okay, this isn’t actually so bad when he heard telltale footsteps coming from the stairs.
And when Donnie looked over from the stairwell and saw him, he froze. And Raph froze, too. He certainly hadn’t expected Donnie to tear himself away from his projects to come down here. He had opted to take advantage of the open space in the Lair rather than the privacy of his own bedroom, fearing that he might knock stuff over or ruin them in his turtle form, but now he was suddenly kind of questioning that decision.
And for a long, pregnant moment, it was just quiet between them. And he stared at Donnie. And Donnie stared at him. And before Raph could figure out what the hell he was supposed to say, Donnie began moving again, finishing his descent down the stairs into the basement.
“I need a break from the Lab,” he muttered, sort of absently, almost nonchalant, kind of gesturing to the laptop that he had under his arm. “Is it cool if I hang out in here for a while?”
It took Raph a second to actually process what Donnie was saying and formulate a response. But then eventually, he nodded.
“Yeah. Of course.”
“Okay, cool,” Donnie said, and after a moment of kind of looking around, seeming to consider things, he went over to the couch. Grabbing one of the many spare blankets that lived there, he carefully spread it out over top of Raph-- arranging it just enough so that he could kind of climb half on top of his brother, both of them curled up beneath the soft fabric, any sharp edges or points from Raphael’s shell covered well enough that Donnie could snuggle up against him.
It was rare that Donnie was interested in anything even vaguely resembling cuddles. He hardly even liked people touching him. Certainly, he wouldn’t allow strangers to touch him. Or anyone that he didn’t completely trust. A majority of the time, it was just his family that could expect the possibility of any kind of physical closeness-- and only when he felt safe enough to allow for such things.
A comfortable, warm weight pressed up against Raphael’s back, soothing and pleasant. He could feel the familiar sensation even through his shell. Raph kept still for his little brother as he felt him get comfortable against him, snuggled up close and settling in to relax.
“Is this okay?” Donnie asked after a moment.
“Yeah,” Raph immediately responded. “This is okay.”
“Cool,” Donnie said.
Raph’s tail kept on waving from side to side behind him, though at a slightly quicker tempo now as he settled, allowing his eyes to slide shut.
Shhhshhhshhhshhhshhshhh.
---
Donnie stayed like that for about two hours, with Raph dozing in and out for much of it, before he finally took his leave. He had accomplished just about all he could from his laptop out here, and though he had, in fact, needed a break from the Lab, he didn’t wanna spend that much time away from it.
His research called.
He was pretty sure Raph was still asleep, so it was easy enough to very slowly, very quietly creep his way off of him, rearranging the blanket to ensure he was still covered up properly before making his way back up the Lair stairs. And while he knew that Leo had gotten home, (he had popped down at some point to grab something, and given him and their oldest brother a very odd look that Donnie couldn’t quite interpret,) he was somewhat surprised to find him camped out in the kitchen, bent over the island and reading something on his phone. His head popped up as soon as Donnie emerged from the basement-- and if he had been waiting for them.
“Finally finished with your cuddle sesh?” He teased in an almost sing-song tone, tilting his head to the side. Donnie huffed, rolling his eyes.
“Die,” he muttered in response, carefully closing the basement door behind him and beginning to make his way to the stairs. Leo was chasing him, however, much to his chagrin.
“Oh, come on! You barely ever want anyone to breathe in your direction. It’s an event whenever you’re in the mood to actually, like, cozy up to someone,” he pressed, pocketing his phone as he trailed after Donnie, hopping up the stairs right after him.
“Why would I want anyone to breathe in my direction?” Donnie scoffed, shooting the other a glare. “That sounds disgusting. And I’m allowed to have the occasional special exception and be in the mood, thank you very much,” he growled, hunching his shoulders slightly. “Besides, it was…”
He pursed his lips slightly.
“Mutually beneficial.”
“Uh-huh…” Leo said slowly, quirking a brow slightly, looking Donnie up and down for a moment like he was trying to figure that out, and then seemingly deciding that it wasn’t the priority right now. “But so, like… it is a special occasion, then?”
Donnie frowned a bit, giving the other a quizzical look. “What do you mean?”
“I mean. Like,” Leo shrugged a bit, sort of crossing his arms over his chest. “Like. Yeah. You’re allowed to not wanna be touched and then have special exceptions when you do wanna be touched and, like, you’re down with cuddles, and all that, so, I mean…” He sort of trailed off for a second, his eyes wandering away, before they snapped back over once again. “But like. This is one of those times? When you, like… are down?”
Donnie blinked slowly.
“Leo, what the hell are you--”
“Can I hug you?” Leo bit out, cutting him off before he could get too far, and Donnie sighed deeply. Ah. That’s what this was, then. Jesus, why couldn’t he just open with that?
“Yeah, Leo, you can hug--”
He didn’t even get through the words before his brother was crashing into him all at once, nearly costing him his footing with how he jumped for him, wrapping his arms around him and squeezing him so tightly that Donnie was pretty sure his compression sleeves were jealous. They had to kind of grab the wall to catch their balance again, stumbling slightly.
“Jesus, Nardo, could you--!?”
“You scared me so fucking bad,” Leo hissed out, his voice pinched tight and muffled for how he had buried his face in Donnie’s shoulder, absolutely clinging to him.
Donnie blinked in surprise, taking a moment to process this, wondering if he had misheard the other. “What…?”
“Never, ever disappear like that ever again,” Leo continued, tightening his grip on him slightly, which Donnie hadn’t even thought was possible. “I was so fucking scared, you bitch. I thought something really bad might’ve-- and it was my fault, too. I’m sorry. I’m-- I’m really sorry I was such a dick then. I didn’t mean it. I was just upset and I know that we already did this but I couldn’t fucking touch you then and-- I didn’t--”
Oh.
So that’s what this was about.
“Leo, it’s okay--”
“Shut up,” Leo mumbled, his voice trembling a bit, and Donnie didn’t really have a good refute for that. So he looped his arms around Leo instead and hung onto him back. He didn’t usually do that. Hugs from his family members were overall acceptable, but he didn’t always enjoy hugging back, at least not for long, but…
You know. Special exceptions and all that. In that same vein, he kind of wrinkled up his nose at the wetness against his neck, but he could tolerate it.
It was fine. He could tolerate it for this.
Even though they were still halfway up the stairs, the two of them eventually, slowly sank down until they were both sort of awkwardly bundled up together on the stairs, half on top of each other, half flopped down the slope. Donnie kind of had to stick out a leg so he could brace his foot against the wall and keep them from sliding, but that was okay. He didn’t really wanna try to move the two of them anywhere, even if this would be easier if they were literally anywhere else in the house.
“I’m really glad we’re twins again,” Leo sobbed, and Donnie nodded a tiny bit.
“Yeah. Me too.”
“I-- I really w-want us to stay twins.”
“We’re going to, Nardo. Calm down.”
“I don’t want you to leave.”
“I’m not leaving, Leo,” Donnie said, and actually? It kind of felt really good to get to say this next part out loud.
“I’m not going anywhere. Are you?”
Leo sobbed weakly in response, shaking his head a tiny bit.
“Okay. Good. Then we’re gonna be okay,” Donnie mumbled, squeezing him slightly. Wait, was he actually tearing up a tiny bit…? God dammit. Leo knew he hated crying, this asshole…
“I’m sorry I was a bitch before.”
“Yeah. You were kind of a bitch,” Donnie agreed, laying his head down, allowing himself to rest his cheek against his twin brother’s curls. “But there were, admittedly… Extenuating circumstances. And I… suppose I am also sorry. For running away. And scaring you,” he muttered, sighing a little. “... I just didn’t know what else to do.”
“Don’t do it again.”
“Not currently planning on it,” Donnie mumbled, pressing himself closer to the other.
“I love you.”
“Yeah, okay. I love you too.”
“... I like it when we’re twins,” Leo hummed. “‘Cause then we’re not fucking basic bitches. We’re twins.”
“Yes, we are, of course, obviously a cut above the average citizen,” Donnie agreed easily, trying to discreetly wipe at his eyes.
“Yeah,” Leo sniffled, hiccuping a bit, and then finally, slowly, his iron grip began to loosen a bit. And after a bit longer, the two untangled themselves slightly. Leo kind of scrubbed at his face with the sleeves of his hoodie, flushed bright red and still slightly teary-eyed.
“Hey,” Donnie finally said, after watching him for a moment, sort of raising a brow. “Are you… like… good…? Or…?”
Leo snorted softly, a watery little chuckle escaping him.
“I-- I’m actually, like… really good, lately? So… Yeah?” He laughed weakly, brushing some of his hair from his face. “I actually think I’m, like… Really good right now, which is, like, stupid, and weird, and probably doesn’t make sense? But… yeah.”
Donnie gave the other a look.
“This is good for you?”
“... Yeah?” Leo laughed. “I just. Fuck,” he sighed deeply, swiping away a few more tears. “I just. I just really wanted to hug you and shit. Like. Before? Uhm. But I knew you didn’t want to, and touching and shit has been weird for you lately, so… You know,” he kind of shrugged weakly. “... I just… waited.”
Donnie blinked slowly. And Leo scowled, rolling his eyes.
“Do not tell me I need a therapist right now, or I swear to god, I will unplug everything in your room while you sleep--”
Donnie raised his hands to sign.
‘You should really--’
“DO NOT SIGN IT AT ME EITHER, JESUS CHRIST--”
---
The cool mist that accompanied his ancestors anytime they manifested themselves into the physical world tickled at the curves of Michelangelo’s cheeks, soothing the sting of the hot tears sliding down his face. He hiccuped softly, watching as the Hamato Spirits twisted into the world before him; one by one curling from the open scroll like smoke until he was surrounded by them.
“Good afternoon, young Hamato,” Ghost-Sensei spoke, and somehow, his voice seemed gentler than it usually was. Mikey choked on another sob at this alone, drawing his knees up his chest and bowing his head down. “What troubles you?”
Mikey sniffled softly, wiping at his face a few times and drawing in a deep, shaking breath.
“I-- I think I fucked up really bad,” he croaked, and he hated how his voice shook. He took several more long, purposeful breaths, but it did little to soothe the tremble in him. He hated how little say he had over his own body. Over his own thoughts and feelings.
He was trying so hard. Why wasn’t this working?
“Our purpose is to listen and offer guidance, Michelangelo,” Ghost-Sensei reminded.
“I--” Mikey hesitated for just a moment, staring down at his own feet, tightening his grip on himself slightly. “I. I was-- I thought I-- I was g-getting better, but I--”
He hiccuped miserably.
“I got too excited and I-- I burned Sarah,” he whispered. “We were-- we were w-working on a project together, at school, earlier, and I, I was holding onto one of the papers we were sk-sketching on, and I-- I didn’t mean to! It just-- it just happened! I wasn’t trying to--”
“Does she know that the fire started because of you?”
Mikey sobbed, shaking his head a tiny bit. “N-no, I don’t th-think so--”
“Then it will be okay,” they said.
Mikey swallowed hard, his brows furrowing as he glanced up to them.
“But I-- I hurt her--”
“It was a mistake,” Ghost-Sensei said. “Sometimes, mistakes may happen, and people may get hurt. It is very unfortunate. But it happens in life. And if you train,” they added, their voice pressing ever-so-slightly. “Then we can ensure that it does not happen again.”
Mikey swallowed hard.
He kept quiet for a second.
And then he nodded.
“This is why we train,” Ghost-Sensei explained gently. “There is great power in the Hamato bloodline. But that is not something that can be taken lightly. There is a reason for each and every one of the Hamato Clan traditions, Michelangelo. Even the ones that we may not always enjoy,” they sighed. “There is a good reason. The mystical energy you wield is very special. But if you cannot learn to control it,” they warned. “Then you are a danger. Not just to yourself. But to the people around you as well. Do you understand?”
Mikey took a few more long, shaking breaths. And he nodded again.
“Good,” Sensei said. “... It will be alright. We are your family, Michelangelo. We can help you. And none of this is your fault. You should have been taught all of this a long time ago. You have a great destiny,” they said, their tone almost fond. “... It’s a shame you have not been set up for success. But we can still change those things. And we can teach you everything you need to know.”
Wiping away the tears from his eyes, Mikey sniffled softly.
“Okay,” he whispered.
“But this needs to be your focus, Michelangelo,” Sensei continued. “Not anything else. This is not something that can share your mind with other things. There are many people depending on you now. You are the last descendant of the Hamato bloodline.”
Mikey faltered, frowning as his shoulders hunched slightly.
“No, but-- my brothers are--”
“They are not like you,” Sensei pressed. “They don’t understand the weight of this power like you do yet. And they don’t feel the world’s energy like you can, do they? You are the one who wears the mark of our clan in your spirit. And you are the one who must protect the world. The potential you have…! You can already do so many things that they would struggle to bear,” The spirit drew back slightly, his eyes sweeping over him a few times.
“But it’s different for you.”
Mikey stiffened as he felt a shiver curling up his spine under their eyes.
“The Hamato Clan will always be here to guide and support you. And you will always have your family to lean on,” they said. “But you have been given a great gift, Michelangelo.”
They dipped their head slightly, lowering themselves just enough so that they could catch Michelangelo’s eyes with their own. It seemed to cut right through him. There was ice in it. But the cold didn’t hurt to touch, somehow.
“To be a Hamato is a great sacrifice,” they whispered. “It is a difficult destiny to bear. We were not put on this earth for ourselves, or to live an easy life.”
Mikey took a breath in.
“But you have the chance to spare them from so much, Hamato Michelangelo. This is a beautiful gift you can give to them.”
And again, they said,
“Do you understand?”
And Mikey let the breath back out.
And he nodded.
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