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hazthediv · 6 years

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The Sun Will Shine - H.O

As announced, here comes the first part of one of the new fics! I hope you all enjoy it.

Thanks to Ana (@sweetosterfield) for this lovely moodboard, you are amazing ilysm!!

Pairing: Fuckboy!Haz x Reader (The Fault in our Stars AU)

Word Count : 5600

Summary : When you get faced with death, you have two choices: either wait for it to come or live your best life until it does. Y/N has had cancer for almost a year and if it wasn’t for her best friend, Harrison Osterfield, she would have chosen the first option. But something in the blue of his eyes made her decide to live what little she has left as best as she can.

Note : It isn’t really a TFIOS AU, the only thing in common is that Y/N has cancer but whatever

Warnings : Angsty I guess.

Additional note : This story kinda means a lot to me because I’ve lost my childhood friend to cancer but whatever

The smell of the hospital was sickening and the atmosphere hung heavy. The doctor’s eyes were apologetic. You hated those eyes. They were the messengers of bad news.

You watched his lips moving but you couldn’t hear a thing. There was a deadly silence in your head, until the echoes of what the doctor had said reached you.

“I apologize to have to tell you this, miss Y/L/N. I know cancer is scary, but we’ll be with you through everything.”

Even today the world still echoed in your mind, like some song on repeat that you could never get rid of.

You sighed, shooting a look to Harrison. The boy was sitting in the chair next to your bed, probably texting with the newest girl he was seeing.

The monitor next to your bed beat repeatedly as you were waiting for the chemotherapy treatment to be over. You watched the meds dripping inside the tube that was connected to your arm.

“Thought you were supposed to entertain me for the three hours of my treatment”, you told Harrison.

The boy raised his gaze from his phone. “Yup, oops”, he apologized, his cheeks turning pink.

“Who are you talking to?” you asked, wanting anything to distract yourself from what was going on.

“Shelley”, he said. “Uh no, wait.” He glanced at the screen of his phone. “No, that’s it, Shelley.”

You sighed, shaking your head. “Are you serious?” you chuckled.

He looked at you. “Dead ass serious”, he smirked, a small laugh falling from his lips. “Met her when I went clubbing with Tom last week.”

“And you’re still talking to her?” you exclaimed. “Damn, the love must be real.”

Haz laughed but didn’t say a thing.

Your gaze rested back on the intravenous tube and on the meds dripping inside of it. It was silent, obviously, but when you watched it long enough you swore you could hear each drop falling into the tube.

“At least it’s the last treatment”, you said, out of the blue.

Haz looked at you, a smile tugging at the corner of his lips. “I swear the moment you get out of this hellhole we’re going clubbing.”

You laughed slightly. If only you could…

You had had cancer for just a little over a year now. Pancreatic cancer. When they had told you about your cancer all those months ago, they had also said that you were lucky they had found it so soon in its development. They even thought you had a chance of recovery. A year later you weren’t quite sure if you had been lucky. Chemotherapy wasn’t easy and you felt sick half of the time. Radiations were easier, but five months ago the doctors had realized they weren’t enough. So now you did a combination of both. But this was your last chemotherapy treatment.

Hopefully. Hopefully it was going to be your last. You were going to get an MRI tomorrow to know if the cancer had finally receded completely. The doctors were really hopeful and you couldn’t help but to hope with them.

A part of you wondered what you should do if the cancer hadn’t receded. You had tried all the treatments you could, a combination of chemo and radiations being the last thing you could do. If it hadn’t diminished by now, you knew it meant it was never going to. You had read about such cases on the internet so you knew damn well it was possible.

“What if I don’t?” you suddenly said.

Haz shook his head a little. “Don’t say that. You’re stronger than this, we both know it.”

“But what if I’m not? What if tomorrow the doctors say that the cancer is still there and that there’s nothing else to do?”

Haz held your gaze for a long time, searching for the words to say.

“Y/N… you’ve been my best friend ever since we were four. The little girl you were back then would have never been so pessimist.”

“Am I being pessimist or realistic?” you enquired, bitterness in your voice.

“Listen, we’ll see tomorrow”, Haz softly said. “I promise everything will be alright and I’ll be with you all along and we’ll go to the pub to celebrate.”

You smiled slightly. What would you do without those pretty blue eyes by your side…

You had met Harrison when you were four years old, when your parents had had to move to London for work. Harrison was your neighbor back then and you had grown up together.

Even though you had taken different paths in life, with you studying law and being currently sick and him being Tom’s assistant and trying to be an actor, you were still pretty close. More than a friend, Haz was the brother you had never had. And now he was also your only family…

Years ago, when you were still young and innocent and healthy, you had gotten into a huge fight with your parents. You always fought with your parents, especially with your dad, but that time had been worse. Your dad had been drunk off his ass, like he always was, and you had gotten angry at him for it and at your mom for letting it happen again and again.

The memories were still bitter and they still hurt like fresh wounds. Your father had kicked you out of the house, telling you to never come back. Again, this wasn’t unusual, he always said stuff like that when he was drunk. But this time, he had hit you. Not so hard but hard enough for you to decide you had had enough.

Your mother hadn’t even begged you to stay as she had watched you pack your bags. She had only said that if you ever needed anything, she was going to help you. Financially. The financially still stung today.

She had really helped though, depositing money in your account each months until you turned 18. At 18 the income stopped and it took almost a month for you to learn that it was because your mother had died.

The day you had learned about her death had been… weird. You hadn’t seen your parents in almost two years, living with Tom or Haz’s family. The news came from Haz’s mom, while the two boys and you were sitting in the backyard talking about everything and nothing.

At first you hadn’t even reacted. It wasn’t like you saw your mother every day. She had already been out of your life for years… but it didn’t lessen the loss. You felt bad for abandoning her with your father, even though your father never was violent towards her. She was your mother, after all, and you still remembered how she loved to tell you stories when you were still just a child. But that woman had died long ago and your grief for her was already done.

That night you had gone out to the pub with the guys and you had drunk more than you had ever did in your entire life. Haz had held your hair as you had been sick afterwards and he had never commented about that the next day, or all the ones following for that matter. He had been there for you, like he knew you would be if it was him in that situation.

A nurse walked in the hospital room, indicating to you that the treatment was done. She took the intravenous tube off of your arm and then detached you from the monitor. Haz helped you to get up and then to sit in your usual after-chemo wheelchair.

“So, miss Y/L/N”, the nurse said, “your appointment is tomorrow at 9 AM. You need to be completely sober, so no food after midnight tonight. You can go back home for the night though.”

You thanked the nurse. Haz then wheeled you out of the hospital room and to the elevator.

“What do you wanna eat for dinner?” the boy asked as you got in the elevator.

Right now the thought of eating made you feel sick, like it always did after chemo.

“Something light, you know I can’t eat full meals after my chemo treatments”, you answered.

“We could ask my mom to make you that salad you love so much”, Haz suggested.

Your eyes lit up at the thought. “Yes, that would be amazing.”

Before you got out of the hospital, Haz helped you to put your coat on. You noticed it was snowing a little outside but the snowflakes were melting long before they touched the ground.

Haz wheeled you out and then towards the car. He helped you to get in and then folded your wheelchair and put it in the trunk.

“You’re lucky you’re like a sister to me because I wouldn’t help anyone else the way I help you”, he joked as he got in.

“A fuckboy with a heart of gold”, you laughed.

“What? I’m no fuckboy”, he replied almost sounding convincingly offended.

“Shelley, is that it?” you chuckled.

He sighed, trying his best to refrain from smiling but clearly failing to do so. “Yeah, I just got confused with Shirley. You know, the redhead I met on Tinder.”

“Never heard of her”, you admitted. “You know, there are so many, I can’t keep up with you.”

Haz laughed. “Yeah, oops. I should probably slow down.”

“Mate, I don’t know what slowing down means to you but I sure as hell know you won’t be able to do it”, you joked, a tired laugh falling from your lips.

All this talk had tired you and you rested your head on the window, yawning a little.

“Do you want to nap before dinner?” Haz asked. “Mom wants us to be there around 7.”

Your eyes must have lit up at the mention of a nap because Haz chuckled and said: “Okay, we are taking a nap.”

“We?” you repeated.

“Why not? I’m exhausted too and I can’t sleep at night”, Haz explained.

“Why can’t you?” you asked.

Haz looked at you, his eyes lingering on yours for just a little too long for it to be comfortable.

“I don’t know, I have insomnia I guess”, he finally said, resting his gaze back on the road.

There in the lines around his eyes you noticed worry. He was worried about you. Of course he was. Everybody who cared just a little about you were worried lately. Chemotherapy made you look like a corpse with the energy of a bee in autumn, when it moves so slowly cause it’s falling asleep for the cold months that are to come.

You knew that under the mask Harrison wore with the world he was just a soft boy, a guy who was so scared of getting hurt that he never let anybody in. He liked to say that he didn’t care about anyone or anything. He never told you he didn’t care about you, obviously, but you remembered the countless girls that had asked you if they had a chance with Harrison, usually the morning after a one night with him. Haz had never cared about any of them, you knew. But he cared about a lot of other stuff. His family and his dog, for instance. His friends too. And since you were somewhere between friends and family, you knew he cared about you too.

It was written all over his features right now, as clear as spring water.

The rest of the ride to your shared apartment was spent in silence, with you dozing off, your head resting against the glass of the window even though it wasn’t comfortable at all. Haz woke you up gently when you arrived at your place.

“Can you walk to our flat?” he asked, as he always did.

And as you always answered you said you could. Both of you knew it probably was a lie, but it felt good to believe it.

Haz helped you to get to your flat, helping you out of your coat. He then guided you directly to your bed.

“Sleep now”, he ordered as you laid down on your bed.

You chuckled. You were already dozing off and the only reply you could mutter was: “Stay with me.”

You fell asleep before Haz sat in your bed, considering whether or not he should stay. Then he felt stupid to even consider not staying: it wasn’t the first time at all that you had napped together, why would this time be any different?

The reply came from deep within him, as he too was slowly dozing off. She is dying…

Maybe you were, maybe you weren’t. Chemotherapy did that to people. It made them look like walking corpses, but sometimes, often even, it healed them. Maybe you looked as if you were dying but were you really?

That Haz didn’t have the answer to.

You woke up first, to the sound of something buzzing. Whether it was your cellphone or Haz’s you didn’t know. The only thing you knew was that Haz’s arm was wrapped around your waist and his face was nuzzled in the crook of your neck.

His hot breath tickled your neck as he exhaled and you couldn’t help but to giggle, which woke him up.

“Uhm?” Haz hummed, not moving from his position.

“You’re tickling me, you div”, you laughed as he sighed deeply.

The boy raised his head from your neck. “Oops, sorry.” His head fell back on the mattress.

Only then did he realize the position in which you were.

He hurriedly tried to get away from you, so quickly he almost tumbled down from the bed.

You laughed heartily at the sight. “You alright?” you asked.

He nodded quickly. “Yeah, sorry about that.”

“For what?” you enquired.

Haz gestured toward the bed. “I don’t know, for invading your privacy.”

You chuckled. “Invading my privacy? Haz, we’ve known each other since we were four, I don’t mind napping with you.”

“Uh yeah, right”, he said, looking away from you.

He picked up his cellphone from his night table.

“Oh shit”, he said. “Mom’s called me three times. It’s almost 7:30, we’ve gotta go quickly.”

You laughed, propping yourself up on your elbows.

“You need to fix your hair first, Osterfield”, you laughed.

He shot a look to himself in the mirror on your wall. “Right.” His gaze rested back on yours. “Be ready in five, darling.”

He walked out of your room and you groaned as you got up from your bed. You felt a little better now but you were still weak. The evening was going to be a long one, especially when tomorrow you were going to learn if you would live or die.

You saw your reflection in the mirror. As usual you had a moment where you couldn’t recognize yourself. You had lost your hair entirely about two or three months ago, not so long after you had begun your chemotherapy treatment. That had been the hardest part of it all. Because now each time you saw yourself in a mirror you only saw a ghost of you. An empty shell.

You sighed deeply, looking away from the mirror. You chose a pair of leggings along with one of Haz’s sweaters to wear. You hesitated to put your wig on but finally decided not to. It was only dinner with Haz’s family, which pretty much was your family at this point.

You walked out of your room slowly and were glad to see that Haz was walking towards you.

“You won’t believe the text I’ve just got”, Haz laughed.

He took his cellphone to read the text directly.

“Hey Hazzy, I wanted to know if you’d like to hang again”, he said.

“Hazzy? Who the fuck called you Hazzy?” you asked.

“Shelley”, he replied.

“Poor girl”, you laughed.

“Yup”, Haz chuckled. “She should have known better than to call me Hazzy.”

Haz wrapped an arm around your waist to help you to walk to the door where you successfully put your boots on without any help.

“When we were kids I always called you like that”, you remembered.

“Yeah, you did”, Haz laughed. “But it’s different coming from you. You’re you and you’re my best friend. Shirley is just…”

“Shelley”, you interjected.

Haz sighed deeply as you walked out of your flat. “Fuck, I keep forgetting.” He laughed. “I need to change.”

You shot him a questioning look. “What, why would you suddenly want to change?”

“Sleeping around is kinda fun but you know, it gets tiring”, he admitted.

“Am I crazy or Harrison Osterfield just said he wants to settle down?” you asked.

Haz shook his head. “Nah maybe just, you know, slow down the rhythm. Spend some time with the people that matter.”

You looked at him and your eyes lingered on his frame. He didn’t look at you but you weren’t stupid, you knew what he meant.

“Aren’t we supposed to be positive?” you whispered.

“We are”, Haz stated. “It’s just… I don’t want you to think I was this asshole you know.”

“Haz, we’re in 2018”, you said. “You can sleep around if you want without that making you an asshole.” You paused. “Positive thinking. I won’t die. Tomorrow the doctors will say that the cancer has receded entirely and we’ll go to the pub.”

Haz laughed. “Yeah, we will, you’re right.”

Both of you didn’t feel quite right at the moment. But everything was going to be alright.

The evening went better than you had thought it would. Phil had made the salad you loved and you ate a bit, as much as you possibly could without feeling sick. Charlotte and you chatted together for almost an hour after the dinner, while Haz was talking with his mother and step-father outside in the yard.

You liked that: chatting with Charlotte. It made you feel normal. It made you feel healthy again. Because she never talked about your cancer, she never paid attention to what she was saying. She acted as if you were completely fine and it made you feel like you were. For a moment you forgot about the sword hanging over your head by a single thread and you were able to enjoy the moment.

Live in the moment. That’s what people told you. Live in the present, don’t think about what the future holds. It was easier to say than to do but with Charlotte it wasn’t so hard.

Although, at 11:55 PM, about an hour after you had gone back to your flat, the future came crashing down on you. Sitting on the kitchen floor, eating ice cream from the container, tears were streaming down your face at the thought that you would learn if you were going to live or to die tomorrow.

You heard Harrison getting out of the shower and you knew it was a question of time before he would walk in the kitchen to grab a snack before he’ll head to bed. You ate another scoop of ice cream before putting the container down, leaving your spoon in it. You dried your tears as best as you could as you heard the sound of Haz’s steps coming toward you.

“What are you doing here?” he said, chuckling.

Then he noticed your tear-stained cheeks and the ice cream container.

“Y/N, no”, he said, getting down on his knees in front of you. “Don’t cry, love.”

He pulled you into a hug and you hid your face in his chest, sobbing against him. He held you until you calmed down and then he helped you to get up.

“Come here, time to go to bed”, he softly said.

He offered you an arm and you wrapped your hand around his forearm. He guided you to your room.

“The ice cream is going to melt”, you stated, your voice tired.

“I don’t care, it’s time to go to bed”, he repeated.

You sat down on your bed.

“I’ll be right back”, he gently said.

As you waited for him to come back you lied down underneath your blanket, on your side, in that only position you felt comfortable enough to sleep in. A stray tear fell from the corner of your eye, climbing on the bridge of your nose before rolling down on the other side. It held all of your fears into what tomorrow would hold, all of your regrets in the life you had lived. Now, that wasn’t something you should be thinking. You weren’t dying right now and maybe, if you were lucky, tomorrow you would learn that you weren’t dying at all. Well, everybody is dying but maybe you wouldn’t die until you were old and grey and surrounded by your grandchildren.

Haz came back into your room. You noticed he had his pillow in his hands, along with a blanket.

“What are you doing?” you asked.

“I’m sleeping in your room tonight”, he replied.

“You know I have blankets and pillows in my bed”, you softly said.

“Yeah well, I’ll be sleeping on the ground so…” he started.

“What no”, you refused. “Get in, loser.” You pushed your blanket aside so he could get in and you looked at him.

“I went all the way to my room for nothing”, he pouted.

“Shut up and get in”, you said, chuckling lightly.

The chuckle got caught up in your throat and suddenly there were tears streaming down your cheeks again.

“Y/N, no.” He hurried to your bed, dropping his pillow and blanket on the ground.

“I’m scared, Haz”, you cried.

“I know, I know you are”, he whispered, wrapping both of his arms around your shaking frame. “Everything is going to be alright.”

You wanted to believe him but a part of you just couldn’t. But having his arms around you helped somehow.

“Thanks, Haz”, you breathed when your sobs died down.

“My pleasure, love”, he gently said. “I’m always there for you. Through thick and thin.”

“Through thick and thin”, you echoed.

There was laughter around you as you ran in the hallway, tears pricking at your eyes. The words Caleb had said had hurt you deeply, but the laughter was worse. You thought Caleb loved you, but apparently you were wrong.

You ran out of the school, almost bumping into someone. You didn’t recognise them through the wall of tears in your eyes but you heard the familiar voice shouting your name as you ran away.

Haz followed you, unable to stop you until you reached your houses.

“Y/N, what’s going on?” he asked.

You turned around to look at him. “Caleb’s a fucking asshole, he’s just dumped me in front of the whole school.”

Haz grabbed you by the arm and pulled you gently towards his house. “Come, we’ll sit in the yard.”

You settled down on the trampoline, as you usually did. You sat cross-legged in front of Haz.

“So, do you want to talk about it?” he asked once you were both settled down..

“He said that I was a stupid bitch to think that he ever cared about me”, you explained. “In front of the whole fucking school.”

“That guy was an asshole from the beginning”, Haz said. “I’m sorry, Y/N.”

New tears rolled down your cheeks. “My life’s a mess”, you said. “Dad’s always mad at me lately and now my boyfriend’s dumped me. What am I supposed to do?”

“Well…” Haz said. “You still have me.”

You held his gaze even though he was blurred by your tears.

“I’m just scared I’m going to end up losing everyone”, you said, covering your face with your hands as you started to sob again.

Haz moved to sit next to you and he put an arm around your shoulder, pulling you closer. You cried against him until your tears stopped.

“You’re never going to lose me, love. I’ll always be there for you”, Haz whispered as you glanced up at him. “Through thick and thin.”

You woke up early the next morning, with Haz’s arms still wrapped loosely around you. For a moment the echoes of your dream made you feel as if you were still fifteen and you were confused as to why you were in Haz’s arms. Then you remembered that seven years had come and gone since that day. And that you had cancer.

It’s strange really. How each morning when you woke up you didn’t remember it. Each morning you momentarily felt calm and peaceful, until it all came crashing back down. Today was no different, only that maybe you were going to learn that you had healed. That you were no longer sick.

If there was a God in the big white clouds up in the sky, you hoped that he could hear your prayers. As you were lying in Haz’s arms, you prayed that your cancer had finally receded and that you could finally hope to finish your degree. You hoped you would be able to live the life you wanted to live: marry someone and have children and maybe a dog or two. You wanted to visit the world too, to see all of its beauty. Actually, there were a lot of things you wanted to do before you died and most of them took time. So you prayed to be given the time you needed.

Haz woke up a couple of minutes after you, as you tried to get out of his grip to go to the toilet. His eyes fluttered opened and for a moment you got lost in the sea they held. Eighteen years. You had known the boy for eighteen years and you were still mesmerized by his eyes.

“Good morning”, he breathed.

“Morning, Haz”, you replied.

He rolled to lay on his back, freeing you from his arms at the same time.

“What time is it?” he asked.

You shot a look to the alarm clock next to your bed.

“7:45”, you replied. “Gotta get ready.”

The boy groaned a little. “Would rather stay in bed with you all day.”

“With me?” you repeated, suddenly feeling a rush of blood to your cheeks.

“Yeah, no, yeah”, Haz answered, a little bit of pink coloring his own cheeks.

You laughed. “You div, I’m your best friend, not one of the other girls you see.”

Haz opened his eyes to look at you. “Right.” Still, a smile tugged at the corner of his lips and you smiled at the sight.

Flirting. If you could call that flirting. It had been this way ever since you were old enough to actually know what flirting was. It was harmless, really, and it made you feel good. You liked that friendly flirt with Haz because it had never turned into something more than that. You had always liked Haz a lot, but it was platonic. Definitely platonic. To you, he was just like a brother. You always joked with him that Tom would have better chances with you because you weren’t as close to him as you were to Haz. Not that you wanted to have something with Tom, he wasn’t your type of guy.

Whenever Haz was in town, he was the one accompanying you to your appointments. Luckily enough for you, he had been in town for a couple of weeks now, having projects to do in London. Although, when he wasn’t, Phil accompanied you. Harry and Sam had come once too, but that was pretty much it. You didn’t blame them: hospitals were scary and you had always been closer to their big brother. But Tom never had the time to accompany you and then again you were way closer to Haz than to Tom. And usually, if Tom was in town that meant Haz was there too so unless he was tagging along with you and Haz, Tom never came with you. Not that he didn’t want to, he was just extremely busy and he didn’t want to bring the attention of the paparazzi on you, which you were extremely thankful for.

With Haz though, it was different. He wasn’t famous like Tom was and although sometimes girls recognized him, most of the time they didn’t. So you could live your peaceful life without someone in the media talking about that sick girl Tom Holland was probably dating. Because that’s what the media did with Tom: every time he was friends with a girl they said he dated her. With Harrison, that never happened.

About forty minutes later, you were on your way to the hospital. Weirdly enough, you were extremely hungry this morning, which sucked because you couldn’t eat. And a part of you hoped it was a good sign. If your appetite had come back, maybe that meant everything was going to be alright.

You didn’t chat a lot in the car, both of you dreading the moment you’d be passing your MRI. You were scared about the outcome but at the same time you couldn’t stop thinking that the world couldn’t be so cruel as to do this to you. It couldn’t be cruel enough for you to still be sick and this time without any hopes of getting better.

Maybe that’s the reason why none of you talked. You were both too scared to say the words on your mind. To voice the fear that you were going to die. And maybe you shouldn’t have thought this, maybe you should have been more hopeful. But would it have really changed the end result?

You were in a haze all along. Maybe that was your armour against the words the doctors spoke. To hide yourself in some dark corner of your mind. And it helped. Just a little. You didn’t scream, you didn’t cry, you didn’t do anything. You stared into the doctor’s eyes until it was time to go. If it hadn’t been for Harrison you probably wouldn’t have moved from your chair in front of the doctor’s desk.

You didn’t say a word at all for the next hours. You just stayed in that haze you were lost in because the harshness of the cruel world couldn’t reach you there. Harrison, on the other hand, felt completely lost. He tried to talk to you more than once, to tell you that there might be some experimental treatment and that you shouldn’t lose hope but you never reacted. You didn’t react when he shed a tear, which he never did. You didn’t react when he yelled at you to say something, to stop being emotionless. You didn’t react when he left you alone in your room, tired of not being able to get you to look at him and to see him and to open up to him.

You didn’t move until much later that day. Until a thought cut through the haze in which your mind was. You thought about all that you wanted to do in life, about all that you were never going to be able to do. The doctors had said that you luckily should have a couple of months to live still. Were a couple months enough to live your life?

You grabbed your notebook, your diary, which was hidden underneath your mattress. You took a pencil and you frantically scribbled a list. And the more you wrote the more ideas you got. The list got longer and you knew there were too many things on it. So you took what seemed less interesting out, you took what you knew you wouldn’t have the time to do out.

And although you knew by the sounds in the flat that Harrison wasn’t alone, you added another line to your list, one that you knew would probably never happen. When you were done, you sat back in your bed. You went through the list once or twice, making sure you were okay with everything that was on there. And you were.

You wondered for a moment if you should call your dad. To tell him you were going to die. You didn’t. He hadn’t told you about your mother, why would he deserve to know about you?

You also wondered if you should tell someone. With all the money in your bank account, you knew it was possible for you to leave tomorrow but with all the things on your list you knew you never would be able to come back. It got you to wonder if you wanted to die alone. Nobody wants to die alone and you weren’t any different. So you decided to wait until tomorrow to talk to Haz. Although you had other friends, none were him and if you were to die, you wanted it to be next to him.

You knew he probably wouldn’t want to come with you. He had other plans in life, why would he give up on his own life to live the rest of yours with you?

You looked through your window. You could see London in the distance and the sky was slowly turning gold as the morning sun lazily rose over the beautiful city you called home. And that’s when it all hit you: even though you were going to die, the sun would still shine, and it would continue to rise and shine for the rest of eternity. It made you feel small, really, and you felt at peace for the first time in months.

Now that you knew you were going to die, it was time to live your best life for what little time you had left.

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hazthediv · 6 years

Text

The Sun Will Shine, Pt 2 - H.O.

Thanks to Ana (@sweetosterfield) for this lovely moodboard, you are amazing ilysm!!

Pairing: Fuckboy!Haz x Reader (The Fault in our Stars AU)

Word Count : 5400

Note : It isn’t really a TFIOS AU, the only thing in common is that Y/N has cancer but whatever

Warnings: Mention of death, mention of sex (like really implicit (no it’s not a smut)), some curse words

Part one

You watched the girl as she poured herself a glass of water from the kitchen’s sink.

“Good morning”, you said and she jumped.

“Who are you?” she asked, a frightened look on her face.

“Y/N”, you told her. “I’m Harrison’s roommate.”

“He didn’t tell me he had a roommate”, she said.

“Of course he didn’t”, you smiled.

It was always like this, why would it be any different now that you only had months left to live?

“Are you guys a thing?” she asked.

You could tell she was trying to ignore the fact you were bald and more than visibly sick. You ignored it, it wasn’t as if you weren’t used to it.

“Nah, just friends”, you replied.

“Great”, she said. “I’m Shelley by the way.”

Oh. So that is the Shelley Haz has been talking to for a week.

You smiled to her, as kindly as you could but you knew it wasn’t reaching your eyes. You wanted to talk to Haz and Haz only, so you wanted her to leave. You weren’t the type of people to say that to someone though so you were forced to wait for her to leave. It took almost an hour but eventually she understood that Haz wasn’t going to come out of his room. She was growing uncomfortable, so she said she had to go.

You sighed deeply when she left. Finally some peace. You knew Haz was probably still mad at you for ignoring him the day before so you took a shower, hoping he would get out of his room before you were done. And he did.

You got out of the bathroom, a towel wrapped around you, to the sight of him cooking pancakes, shirtless.

“Morning”, you softly said.

Haz glanced at you over his shoulder before resuming his attention on the pancakes.

“Oh, you’re talking to me now”, he grumbled.

“Sorry about yesterday”, you apologized, taking a step towards him.

“You know, I’m worried too”, he begrudged. “Hell, worried is not even the word. You’re my best friend, Y/N.”

You closed your eyes as a wave of tears hit you. Only one rolled down your cheek and you quickly dried it.

“Give me a minute, I’ll be right back”, you muttered before running to your room.

You quickly got dressed and then took your diary out from under your mattress. You then tore the page on which you had written your list from the diary and ran back to the kitchen. Haz was putting the pancakes on two plates.

“Hungry?” he asked.

You weren’t really but who could resist pancakes? “Yeah, I’ll take one of those.”

“What’s that in your hand?” Haz enquired.

“Oh. It’s a list”, you explained.

“What for?” he asked.

“Don’t laugh.”

“Why would I?” he chuckled.

“It’s a list of everything I want to do before…” you stopped for a moment. “Before I die.”

Haz was walking towards the table, holding the plates. He stopped in his tracks, his eyes finding yours. He looked so lost and suddenly he was a child again and he was crying because he was missing his dad. And you felt bad, so bad, because this time it was all your fault.

“Haz, I’m so sorry”, you whispered, taking a step toward him.

He blinked a few tears away and suddenly the mirage was gone and he was 22 years old again.

“It’s not your fault”, he breathed. “We don’t get to choose when we live or die. That’s just the way it is.”

You nodded. He was totally right.

“Doesn’t mean that it doesn’t suck”, he added. “Let’s just hope that there’s an experimental treatment.”

“Haz, I don’t want an experimental treatment”, you whispered as you sat down at the table.

“What, why not?” he asked.

“I’m done with this”, you said.

“Please don’t be”, he pleaded.

“Haz…” you softly said. “I’m tired of feeling sick and… and the treatments are only making my life longer. Thing is… I can’t even enjoy that life because I’m way too weak to.”

Haz stayed silent for a moment. “Show me that list”, he finally said.

You smiled softly. You felt thankful that he understood your decision.

“First thing would be to meet my favourite actor”, you started.

“What? Who’s that?” he asked.

“RDJ”, you admitted, blushing a little.

Haz laughed. “That can be arranged pretty easily.”

“Why’s that?” you asked.

“Tom knows him”, Haz explained. “I’ve even met him a couple of times on the set of Homecoming.”

“Oh, true”, you blushed.

“I’ll talk to Tom”, Haz smiled. “Anything else on that list of yours?”

“Lots of things”, you chuckled. “I want to swim with sharks, learn how to surf, ride a horse on a beach, see the Great Barrier Reef…”

“So basically Australia?” he said.

“Yeah. There’s more”, you said. “I want to visit a temple and maybe pet an elephant? Because elephants are awesome you know.”

Haz laughed.

“Apart from that maybe go bungee jumping and paragliding?” you added.

“Paragliding?” Haz chuckled. “Why not go sky diving?”

“I don’t wanna die right away, you know”, you joked.

Haz shook his head. “So you think paragliding is better?”

“Definitely”, you assured.

“Okay then”, Haz laughed. “Anything else?”

“Yup”, you said. “Go on a safari, see the Northern lights, see the tulips in the Netherlands…”

“That all?” he asked.

You watched the next line of your list and felt heat rushing to your cheeks. You weren’t going to say this one, would you? So you decided to skip it.

“Nope”, you admitted. “I want to get a tattoo and to go clubbing.”

You ignored the last line of your list and folded the paper.

“Now that’s all”, you finished.

“That’s a pretty long list you’ve got there”, Haz softly said.

“The doctors said I still have a couple of months to leave…” you replied on the same tone. “Plenty of time.”

“Right”, Haz said, although he looked tensed.

Silence filled the room and you suddenly felt uncomfortable. Which was unusual. You never were uncomfortable in Haz,s company. But you could tell he was thinking that you wouldn’t have the time right now and it was making you feel uneasy. How weird it is to be faced with your own death. You always thought you had forever, but nobody has forever.

You thought about what you had decided last night (or early this morning for that matter). Were you supposed to ask him to come with you now? If you wanted him to come, you had to… but why was it making you so shy?

You know what, fuck this.

“Wanna come?” you asked.

“What?” Haz said, raising his gaze from his half-empty plate.

“You know I… I don’t want to do this alone”, you admitted.

“Y/N… Of course I’ll come with you”, Haz smiled.

You felt relieved as you got lost in his eyes.

“Thanks, Haz…” you whispered.

“Anything for you, darling”, he replied.

You smiled to him, feeling as if the weight of the world had been taken off of your shoulders.

“We should get this trip planned”, Haz stated.

“True”, you replied.

Haz got up and took the plates to the sink. You went to your room to grab your laptop and then walked back to the kitchen. You sat back at the table and started planning the first stop: France. It was the closest to home and you had once read that paragliding in winter was enchanting.

For the first time in months you felt alive as you planned everything. Haz couldn’t stop smiling as he heard you laugh like you did before the cancer and he hoped with all his heart that there was an experimental treatment. Because just the thought of having to live without you was killing him… but he wasn’t going to tell you this, especially not when you seemed so happy.

Luckily for you, RDJ was currently in London and Tom was too. So when Haz texted Tom, as you were napping in the afternoon, your meeting with your favourite actor was planned.

As you were sleeping, Haz considered looking at your list. When you had told him about everything on there, he had noticed that you were hiding something. He knew there was something more on that list, but what? He didn’t look though, he knew that if you had hidden something from him, it must have been for a good reason. So he waited for you to wake up, texting a little with Shelley.

Talking with the girl made him angry because she kept asking questions about you. And he hated it. He hated talking about the fact that you were going to die.

For a moment he felt bad about the night before too. The way you had pushed him away had made him so angry that he had decided to see Shelley. Just to let the frustration out. And it had helped, obviously, sex always helped… but somewhere in the corner of his mind he knew that it was wrong.

You woke up around 5 PM, to the sound of the TV playing softly. You got up from your bed and walked to the living room. Haz was sitting there, watching B99.

“Morning”, you said with a sleepy voice.

“Sup”, Haz said. “Ready to meet RDJ?”

“What, no, I look like shit.”

Haz laughed. “We’re going to eat dinner with him and Tom tonight.”

“Are you serious?” you asked as your heart started beating frantically in your chest.

“Yup”, Haz said.

“Fuck, I’ve got to get ready”, you said as you hurried back to your room.

You heard Haz laughing behind you, but you ignored him.

You hadn’t expected him to be so quick to arrange a meeting with RDJ, so you found yourself completely lost in front of your wardrobe as you tried to figure what you should wear. It was December, which meant it was cold outside. So you pushed your sundresses aside as you searched through the wardrobe. You finally chose a black long-sleeved dress with a white collar. You put tights on too.

As you were putting your wig on, you realized something: your hair was going to grow back eventually. You had lost them only because of the chemo treatments and now that they were over, it meant your hair growing back. Just that thought was enough to make you forget about the reason why the treatments were over. That’s if I live long enough for them to grow back though…

You put some makeup on too, but not so much. You weren’t one to wear a lot of makeup and even though you were going to meet Robert Downey Jr you still weren’t going to hide yourself behind a mask of makeup.

When you were ready, you walked back to the living room, where Haz was currently putting on a navy blue blazer. Underneath it he was wearing a white dress shirt.

“You look good, Osterfield”, you said.

He turned to look at you. “I know”, he smirked.

You shook your head laughing. “Where are we going?” you asked.

“To The Ledbury”, Haz answered.

“Isn’t that restaurant crazy expensive?” you inquired.

“Kinda”, Haz admitted. “RDJ said he was going to pay.”

“He what? No”, you refused.

“Don’t worry about it, Y/N, just be happy that you’re going to meet him”, Haz laughed.

You sighed deeply. “Okay, then.”

“Tom’s coming to pick us up around 6:30 PM”, Haz told you. “Wanna watch Netflix while we wait?”

And so you did. Although, you didn’t pay much attention on what was unfolding on the screen. Your attention kept going back to Harrison. Had he always looked so good?

You blushed when he shot you a look and looked away. That’s when the stress hit you. You were going to meet RDJ. Like you were going to eat dinner with him in a fancy restaurant. Normal you would have panicked at the thought of meeting him but new you (aka I’m gonna die you) knew better. It was on your list, right? No reason to panic.

“So, you and Shelley, uh?” you said as the B99 episode finished.

“Sorry about that”, he apologized.

“Nah, it’s fine, don’t worry about it”, you laughed. “I just thought that the ‘Hazzy’ had ruined her chances.”

“Oh, it had”, Haz admitted. “Past tense.”

“Why’s that?” you asked.

“I don’t know, I needed to talk to someone yesterday”, Haz whispered.

“Talk? You didn’t seem to be talking”, you chuckled.

Haz blushed a little. “You know what I mean.”

“Yeah, yeah”, you laughed.

Tom arrived a moment later, just at the right time actually. It felt weird to feel awkward around Haz but right now you couldn’t even look at him without your heart skipping a beat and heat rushing to your cheeks. So you were more than glad for Tom’s arrival.

“Sup’ dickheads”, Tom said as he walked in. “You ready?”

“Yup, we are”, you replied, getting up from the couch just a little too fast.

“Easy there”, Haz said as he got up too.

He offered you an arm so you could steady yourself and you blushed again as you grabbed it.

“We have a driver tonight”, Tom told you, a childish smile on his lips.

A smile that didn’t reach his eyes. As usual. That was the smile everybody had around you now, you were more than used to it. You smiled too, a true smile though, and moved towards the door.

“So you have a list”, Tom said when you sat in the car.

“I do”, you blushed a little. “I know it’s super cheesy but there are some stuff I want to do and I figured making a list would be easier.”

“There’s nothing wrong with being cheesy”, Tom laughed. “What’s on there?”

“Lots of stuff”, Haz said. “I’m going with her.”

“You what?” Tom exclaimed. “You’re my assistant!”

Both of the boys laughed. “You’re a div”, Haz told Tom.

“Yeah”, Tom laughed. “I’ll find a new assistant, don’t worry about this”, he told you.

“Do you really need one?” you said.

“Not really”, Tom admitted. “Haz doesn’t do a lot anyway.”

“Excuse me, what?” Haz exclaimed. “Who would bring you your water and your coffee if not me?”

“A production assistant?” Tom suggested.

Haz hit Tom on the shoulder. “You’re a fucking div, mate.”

When you got to the restaurant, Tom guided you inside. That’s when you saw none other than Robert Downey Jr. For a moment you wanted to cry or to scream or to do both, but you just stayed silent as he walked to you three.

“Hi, guys”, Robert said. “I suppose you’re Y/N?”

It took you almost ten seconds to realize he was talking to you. And that he had said your name.

“Hi uh yeah hi that’s me”, you stuttered as you shook his hand.

Robert chuckled. “I’ve reserved a table already, want to go sit?”

You nodded your head quickly as Tom said yes. You walked to the table and sat down next to Haz. Robert was in front of you and Tom sat next to him.

You had expected the conversation to be difficult with Robert. Not because he wasn’t friendly or anything but just because he’s RDJ? And you were only a sick girl? But the conversation was far from being difficult. RDJ was extremely nice with you, almost acting like a fatherly figure although it was the first time you had met him.

You couldn’t stop laughing when he talked to you about his alpacas or when he talked to you about how it was like to portray Sherlock. Eventually Tom and Haz decided to go somewhere else while you spent your evening with RDJ. After all, it was one of your wish to meet Iron Man and what better way to meet him than to eat dinner with him and him only?

“So for how long have you known Tom?” asked Robert as you took a sip of your glass of water.

“It’s been years”, you answered. “I met him in high school.”

“That’s great!” RDJ said. “I figure you knew Harrison first, right?”

“Yeah, he’s been a friend ever since I was four”, you told him.

“A friend?” RDJ smirked.

“Yeah?” you said with an unsure voice.

“That boy only has eyes for you, Y/N”, Robert gently said.

“What?” you exclaimed. “He totally doesn’t. Last night he was sleeping with someone else.”

You put your hand over your mouth as you realized what you had just said.

“Sorry about that”, you mumbled as Robert started laughing.

“I’m an old man, Y/N, I understand this kind of stuff”, he chuckled. “I’m sorry to hear this though.”

“That he was sleeping with someone else?” you asked.

RDJ nodded. “I can tell there is something between the two of you. It’s a shame you don’t realize it.”

Oh, you did realize it. You had realized it while you were sitting on the couch earlier, unable to keep your eyes of Haz’s profile. And it sucked and you didn’t want it happening. Because you didn’t want to hurt him and you were going to. No matter what you did you would hurt him in the end. Because a few months from now you were going to be dead and he would have to move on with his life.

That realization somehow made you feel old. It wasn’t normal that a girl your age was going to die and that there was nothing she could do. You just hoped that Haz was right and that there was an experimental treatment… but you knew better than to hope too much. Because in the end, hope was the thing killing you. Well, maybe not you, but it definitely was going to kill Haz.

“I don’t know, we’ve been friends forever…” you admitted.

“The boy’s accepted to give up on his life for you, kiddo”, Robert smiled. “I think that tells a lot.”

Did it?

“Perhaps you’re right”, you said. “I wouldn’t want to hurt him, you know?”

Robert chuckled a little. “I know for a fact that it wouldn’t hurt him while it’d last.”

“But when it would end it’d be worse”, you insisted. “Because he wouldn’t just lose a friend, he’d lose so much more.”

“Don’t you think the ‘while it last’ would be more worth it though?” RDJ asked.

You took a moment to think about it. Would it? Wouldn’t it just break Haz’s heart more? And that was if he wanted you. If he too had feelings for you… and he clearly didn’t. Why would he have slept with someone else last night if he had feelings for you?

“Maybe…” you admitted. “I’ll just go with the flow. See where it takes us.”

“Words of wisdom for a girl so young”, Robert said.

So young but yet on the verge of dying… But you weren’t going to think about this right now. You were with your idol, talking about your love life (non-existing love life really) and the moment was perfect. You had to be positive, especially more now than ever.

“You know, Susan, my wife, is the best thing that’s ever happened to me”, Robert admitted. “You should give it a chance.”

“I’ll see”, you assured him.

You yawned a little, feeling drained from the day you had just spent.

“Getting tired?” Robert chuckled.

“Just a little”, you admitted. “But I’m fine.”

“Kiddo, my driver can take you back home”, Robert offered.

“Really?” you said.

“Yeah, of course”, he smiled. “Let’s go.”

You got up from your chair, putting your coat on. As Robert was paying for the meal, you sent a message to Haz to say that his driver was going to drive you home. Haz told you that he was going to arrive around the same time as you and then Robert came back. You shut your cellphone off, wanting to enjoy the moment you had left with RDJ.

Robert sat in the back of the car with you. You took a selfie together, a selfie that he promised he was going to put on his Instagram. Which he did almost instantly as you were dozing off on his shoulder.

When the car stopped in front of your flat, you took a moment to thank him for the night.

“Oh, my pleasure, kiddo”, Robert smiled. “Always happy to help people accomplish their dreams.”

You laughed a little. “I wouldn’t say it was my dream to meet you”, you joked.

Robert acted as if he was offended. “I’m going to take the picture off of Instagram.”

You burst out laughing. “I’m just kidding. You’re my idol and it was really great to meet you.”

“Come here”, Robert said as he opened his arms to hug you.

You hugged him. He smelled incredibly good. You pulled away, thanking him again for a night, before getting out of the car and climbing the stairs to your flat. Haz was already there. In fact, he had fallen asleep on the couch waiting for you.

You smiled at the sight, remembering everything that Robert had said. You hoped that he was right about Haz because without that, one of the things on your list would never happen.

You started making your way to your room but Haz opened his eyes and called you softly.

“Hey there, sleepy head”, you said, walking to the couch.

“You had a great evening?” he asked.

“The best”, you admitted. “Robert is a great guy.”

“Definitely”, Haz said. “He didn’t even hesitate when Tom talked to him.”

“He put a picture of us on Instagram”, you smiled as you sat down next to Haz on the couch.

“He did?” the boy said, taking his phone out. A moment later he said: “You look lovely.”

“Thanks”, you replied, blushed.

“What did you talk about when me and Tom left?” he enquired.

“Oh”, you blushed. “Not much. He gave me some advice.”

“He did?” Haz asked. “About what?”

“Oh, you know, lots of stuff”, you explained.

“You don’t wanna tell me?” Haz teased, a smirk on his lips.

“What? No, that’s not it”, you said.

“Right”, the boy laughed.

You gently nudged him in the shoulder. “You’re a div.”

“Yeah right”, he chuckled. “Wanna go to bed right now or should we watch something?”

It was almost midnight and although you were tired, you would much rather spend some time with Haz right now than to sleep. Sleeping meant getting closer to the day you weren’t going to wake up… and that thought was scary. Again, you tried to ignore it: you had accepted your faith, it was now time to appreciate the time you had left.

“Yeah, let’s watch To All the Boys I’ve Ever Loved”, you joyfully said.

“Again?” Haz sighed.

“Either that or I go to bed”, you said.

“Okay then”, Haz accepted. “Let’s get out of these clothes first though.”

“Are you trying to get me naked, Osterfield?” you playfully asked.

“Is it working?” he replied on the same tone.

“Oh God, you’re the biggest div ever”, you laughed as you got up and walked to your room.

“You know you can’t win this game with me”, Haz told you as you walked into your room.

“Whatever”, you chuckled as you closed the door behind you.

You got out of your dress, putting on a pair of sweats along with a jumper. You also took your wig off. It was making the skin of your head itch and you couldn’t bear waring it a second longer. You also took your makeup off, sighing in relief when you were finally ready to head back to the living room.

You were there first. You could hear that Haz was taking a shower so you sat on the couch and scrolled through your Instagram as you waited for him. You also texted Tom to thank him to have arranged this meeting with RDJ. The boy told you that he was glad he could have helped you with your list. You smiled to yourself. In another world, you would probably have gone to Tom, not to Haz… but in this world, blue eyes were what you loved the most.

You fell asleep as you were waiting and woke up as Haz was picking you up from the couch. You whined a little, which earned you a laugh from Haz.

“We won’t watch a movie tonight, darling, you’re already sleeping”, he explained.

“You were asleep when I came home, you div”, you said.

“That doesn’t count, we hadn’t decided to watch a movie yet.”

“Mk”, you mumbled as you nuzzled your face in his neck.

He laughed lightly before putting you down on your bed.

“Good night, Y/N”, he softly said.

“Don’t go”, you whispered.

“What?” he asked.

“Stay with me”, you asked.

“Of course, love”, Haz accepted without even hesitating.

He took off his t-shirt but kept his sweatpants on before climbing into bed. He put the covers over the both of you before pulling you closer. You nuzzled your face in his chest, almost falling asleep immediately.

Haz, on the other hand, couldn’t fall asleep at all. His thoughts kept going back to the conversation he had had with Tom after leaving the restaurant.

Haz kicked a bit of snow which had accumulated on the concrete.

“You know, it sucks”, he said.

“What?” Tom asked.

“What’s happening to Y/N”, he replied. “I don’t want to lose her but there’s nothing we can do.”

“I know, mate”, Tom gently said.

“And you know what I did last night?” Haz forcefully said. “I fucking had sex with a random girl while Y/N was writing the list. What does that make me?”

“Well… I don’t know, you tell me, mate”, Tom replied.

“I’m a fucking asshole”, Haz said. “She’s gonna die thinking that I was just this fuckboy who never cared about anything but sex.”

“Woah woah woah”, Tom said. “She knows you care about her. And according to what you told me she was ignoring you yesterday.”

“Because she had just learned that she will die”, Haz explained. “I had no reason to be mad at her but I was. And I wanted to hurt her, so I texted Shelley and invited her over.”

“You wanted to hurt Y/N?” Tom asked.

“I don’t know, I guess”, Haz answered.

“I don’t think you wanted to hurt her, mate”, Tom said.

“But I did”, Haz said. “We talked about it a little earlier and I could tell she was hurt.”

“Was she really?” Tom asked. “She didn’t seem hurt at all in the car.”

“That’s cause she was going to meet RDJ”, Haz said. “Thanks, by the way.”

“You’re welcome, Haz”, Tom gently said. “She’s my friend too, I was glad I could help her with that list of hers.”

Haz raised his head from the concrete to watch the snowflakes falling lazily.

“Can I ask you something?” Tom enquired after a moment.

“Go on”, Haz replied.

“How long does she have left?” Tom asked.

Haz chuckled bitterly. “A couple of months only.”

“Well, that’s great I guess”, Tom said. “She’ll have the time to go through the list.”

“Yeah… but we’re in December”, Haz said. “A couple of months can mean only three months or it could mean more or less.”

“Don’t think about this, Haz”, Tom said. “You’re going to kill yourself if you keep thinking about that.”

“What do you want me to do? Go with the flow?” Haz asked bitterly.

“Yeah, exactly”, Tom said. “Although… you have feelings for her, right?”

“What? No I don’t, she’s my best friend”, Haz denied.

“I thought I was your best friend”, Tom said, acting offended.

“You div”, Haz mumbled.

Tom chuckled. “But I know you, Haz, and I can tell there’s something more between the two of you. There’s always been something more between the two of you.”

“Nope”, Haz refused. “There can’t be something more.”

“Why not?” Tom asked.

“Because it’d mean that I’d lose so much more than just a friend”, he said, not knowing that his words were echoing the ones you were speaking to RDJ at the same moment. “I can’t let that happen.”

“Then what’s going to happen?” Tom bitterly said. “She’s going to die and you’re going to regret not doing anything.”

“Fuck you”, Haz growled.

“I’m serious, Haz”, Tom replied. “You’re my best mate and I don’t want you regretting all your life not doing anything about your feelings for her.”

“I won’t regret anything”, Haz insisted. “If you’re truly my best friend you should know that I don’t do relationships.”

“But that’s not the same thing”, Tom said.

He wanted you two to be together, he had wanted ever since he had met the two of you. He was mad that you couldn’t see that there was something more between you. He was mad at Haz for refusing to give you a chance, for refusing to give a chance to his own feelings. But what could he do? He couldn’t force a relationship between the two of you, especially not now that you were going to die.

That thought brought tears to his eyes. He would have wished to come with Haz and you to do everything on your list but right now he couldn’t. And he hated himself for it. At the same time, he kept hoping that it was going to give a chance to the both of you to let the other in… Although, seeing what Haz was saying, that probably wasn’t going to happen.

“How isn’t it the same thing?” Haz asked after a moment. “It would mean being in a relationship with her. It’s not any different than being in a relationship with any other girl.”

“Are you for real?” Tom asked. “You’ve been in love with her for as long as I’ve known the both of you but you’re just too blind to see it.”

“Shut up, mate”, Haz growled. “You won’t make me change my mind.”

“Then why are you going with her?” Tom asked.

That question took Haz by surprise. Why was he?

“I don’t know”, Haz whispered. “I don’t want her dying alone.”

“Fair”, Tom said. “But I still believe that you have feelings for her. Hell, I don’t believe it I just know it.”

“I don’t”, Haz forcefully repeated. “I don’t have feelings for her. She’s just my friend.”

Tom decided to let go. He didn’t like fighting with Haz, especially not when Haz was as vulnerable as he was right now.

“Let’s go back home”, Tom finally said.

“Shouldn’t we go back to the restaurant?” Haz asked.

“RDJ said he would bring Y/N back home”, Tom answered.

“Oh, right”, Haz said as he received a text message.

It was Shelley. She was asking if he wanted to see her again tonight. Haz didn’t reply. Although he kept repeating to his best friend that he didn’t have feelings for you, somewhere in the back of his mind a little voice was telling him that he was lying. He ignored it as best as he could but the more he told himself that he didn’t like you the stronger the voice was.

Maybe he did, maybe he didn’t. But that wasn’t going to change the fact that you were dying. And he couldn’t let somebody like you in. He hated himself for thinking this but he just couldn’t. He was so scared of commitment and commitment with somebody who was going to die was twice as scary because it meant getting hurt. He didn’t want to get hurt more than he was already going to.

Haz sighed deeply as tears formed in his eyes. He cursed himself underneath his breath. He felt so weak to be crying all the time lately. That’s when it hit him: he wouldn’t be crying if he didn’t care about you, if he didn’t have feelings for you.

As he sat down in the car along with Tom, Haz decided that he was going to go with the flow. If something was going to go happen between the two of you, then it was going to happen. But he wasn’t going to force it at all. He was way too afraid.

And as he held you while you slept, he realized that he was screwed. Something was already happening.

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