#this is heavy sorry

[altschmerzes]

if anyone has cats they would like to send me pics of i would appreciate that a lot i am having a very very fucking weird one right now and don’t really know what to do with myself.

the short version is: my dad died today. the long version is..... probably an absolutely ridiculous overshare but. like i said. don’t know what to do with myself so i’m just. idk im talking out loud i guess, putting this Somewhere. it’s. heavy, sorry.

so the post i made recently celebrating seven years going no-contact with my abusive father who kind of ruined my life in a lot of really serious ways i am likely never really going to completely recover from? yeah. he had a stroke earlier this year that sounded like it was pretty serious and that was a lot to process and then i just got the call from my mom that he had a heart attack while fishing with a friend this afternoon and died. apparently it was fast, which is good. he was fifty-five and i guess he’d just hit two years sober.

my mom sounded really upset on the phone, and i guess she’d only found out less than ten minutes before she called me, she just told my sister, who lives with her, and my sister went off to take a shower (read: have a breakdown in the shower), and then called me immediately and said “your dad died” as soon as i answered with a hey, what’s up. they’d been divorced for twenty years and he was a fucking bastard but i guess your ex-husband and your kids’ dad who you’ve recently been reconnecting with and spending time with again dies and you’re probably gonna have some strong feelings about it. my sister is in pieces, they’d reconnected and were spending a lot more time together. in their text they said ‘i barely got any time with him and i’m fucking heartbroken’.

and because he has no other living relatives my 23 year old sister who is uh, in a fragile state on the best of days, is gonna have to deal with all of the paperwork and shit that happens when someone dies. and my sister and i’s relationship is like.... it’s complicated, to put it politely, they are very hard for me to be around for a lot of reasons, but i wouldn’t wish that on them and i wish i was able to take on that stuff if only because i’m almost through law school and i’m the least emotionally invested in the man and it just would be easier for everyone if i did the paperwork and whatever.

and then there’s my brother, because i have a brother, who i barely talk about because it hurts to think about him. he’s nine years older than me and he’s my half-brother by my dad and after my dad went to prison on drug charges i didn’t see him for thirteen years. and then a long time after a brief visit too. he’s got two kids now, and for a while there we were in sporadic contact, but i haven’t seen or heard from him since i was maybe nineteen. and my mom was just kind of rambling on the phone about how she had to find my brother’s mother’s contact information because someone had to tell him and because i’m all the way out here and i can’t DO anything else i told her i’d find her and tell her what happened and get everyone’s contact information for whatever’s coming next so. now i’ve texted my brother, who is a living wound in my life, for the first time in like six years. he hasn’t answered yet and according to his mother he’s ‘devastated.’ so.

i’m not. i’m not devastated. i don’t know what i feel honestly. once i tracked her down on facebook and dealt with all of that i just sort of sat at the kitchen table and stared at the wall for a long time. listened to the mountain goats song ‘pale green things’ and drifted in a weird numb void. i’m not.... sad. not about him anyway. i don’t know what i am. i have a very difficult time articulating my feelings on a good day, fuck i mean i have a hard time identifying my feelings on a good day. some combination of autism and cptsd and the sense that if i have feelings someone is going to die, maybe me, maybe someone else. if i have feelings, i get someone killed, is the thought process, which is a long story but. is extremely hard to work around, especially when i don’t see the point because taking active steps to make my feelings known and make them something someone else has to deal with is like. what’s the point. why do that.

so i don’t know what i feel. i feel strange and distant and not-sad and kind of angry at my sister and brother for some fucking reason and guilty and resentful and relieved. there’s some relief in there i think, because it’s like. i don’t know. i had the thought earlier, ‘oh thank gd’ which is. it sounds heinous but i now i’ll never have to choose between attending my sister’s wedding and not having to see him there, if i go back to my hometown and feel like there’s a monster stalking me from the shadows i can just tell myself the fucking monster’s fucking dead and he can’t ever hurt me again. nobody in my family is ever going to be able to pressure me to just talk to him already, just move on and let it go. reconcile, forgive, get past it.

(i don’t know how much any of them know. i have never discussed this with my parents or my sister and i never plan to. we’ve talked about some things in vague euphemisms and talked around it even more. when he got out of prison and then when he was done stalking us which he did for a while and got some help i guess and was doing a bit better my sister wanted to reconnect with him and i didn’t. i had panic attacks, i was terrified, i didn’t want anything to do with him and i didn’t want my sister anywhere near him and i remember all my mom had to say to me about that was ‘if it makes you feel any better, i could take him.’ i don’t know what to... i just don’t know.)

i dunno. i don’t know. when i visited my hometown and stayed at my parents’ house (my grandmother’s house, when i say ‘parents’ i mean her and my mom generally) i slept with a knife on my bedside table and a plan of how to get out the window because i’d heard that he’d started dropping by sometimes and i was too scared to sleep otherwise. he terrorized me. i have very few memories from before he went to prison and most of them are of being terrified for my life. of being chased through the house, staying above the garage because for some reason we couldn’t be in the house that night. sexual abuse that i can still barely handle thinking about. he haunts my nightmares regularly, even though i haven’t seen or spoken to him in seven years, didn’t see or talk to him very often before that. i have panic attacks in my sleep dreaming about him, enough that i have to be medicated for it.

he’s a person who was deeply troubled and sick and suffered unimaginably in his life and it’s just.... i know all of that and i just. i don’t know. i hope he’s at peace i guess. i know he never was when he was alive. i know i’m not at peace most of the time, largely because of the shit he did to me. i don’t know. i don’t know. my dad’s dead.

#abuse cw #death cw #i dont know man. i dont even know. #csa mention #very briefly but. yeah. i dunno. #this is heavy sorry #long post

[parisoonic]

these effing guys

#tf2 #tf2 fanart #team fortress 2 #tf2 medic #tf2 heavy #heavymedic #red oktoberfest #when two people swap to heavy n medic because they see you stomping with your medic #but its not quite the same (for them) RIP #sorry for no art i have a lot of adult tasks to do irl...remortgaging and shit yawns

[canisalbus]

Imagine if Machete and Vasco were dragons, but there was more lore behind it:

Machete being taken from their nest after their mother was killed, and “raised” by the church. He was beaten, humiliated and starved, described to the common folk as “a hideous creature” or a “spawn of the devil”.

One day, Vasco, a gold colored dragon finds Machete, and with his help, he breaks Machete out, and frees him.

They now live in a forested cave, far away from the reach of the cruel hand of man.

#own art #own characters #CanisAlbus #art #artists on tumblr #Vasco #Machete #dragons #plusultrayokai #laying that angst a little heavy but sorry I couldn't resist #dragon forms designed by puddleorganism

[peachdalooza]

a small n silly trivia i want to share of the new tf2 seal!

#happy summer update! #sorry for ooc heavy folks this was meant to be my loadout #and i was just excited to share this fact #myart #tf2 #team fortress 2 #artists on tumblr #heavy tf2 #heavy weapons guy #engineer tf2 #comic

[nevvn]

saw a wizard meme and thought hm. what if it was solomon.

#obey me #obey me fanart #art tag #fanart #obey me solomon #cant find a good guitar reference so sorry it its inaccurate #would barbatos be happy if solomon played slow heavy metal music?

[zero-is-nebulous]

Tee bee atech I might jig this design a bit but this is what I have so far, he's a Japanese dragon because uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh he's a big tall strong handsome man and allat

#🌩nebulous' art🌒 #art #digital art #mcyt #hermitcraft #so maybe i made him a dragon so i could give him a long tail #SO WHAT #i love putting little charms on the ends of the tails like yesssss make that an extra limb girl #TRINKETS #anyway yes i really hope it comes across as a japanese dragon i looked at a lot of refrence images #smallishbeans #joel smallishbeans #hermitcraft season 10 #smallishbeans fanart #japanese cyberpunk #hc s10 smallishbeans fanart #dragon smallishbeans #i like the idea that hes always got horns or antenna no matter what but i alsoooo want them to be diffrent sometimes #for funsies #i almost gave him a MEGA HEAVY TECH headset with antenna but #but but b #but dragon :C #it spoke to me yall sorry #that sword....its gotta be changed

[thechekhov]

Did you seriously reblog a post defending the sanctity of life of pedophiles?

You did not read that post.

I understand that it might be difficult, because of the knee-jerk reaction we all have when it comes to this topic. I admit I also had the emotional first-response of disgust. But I urge you to go back and try to read it again, when you are cool-headed.

Stating that 'murdering people we find disgusting is not the moral high ground it feels like', is not the same thing as 'defending the sanctity of life' of anyone.

And while it feels good to emotionally say 'we should kill all (people who do bad things that cause harm to others)' this does not actually accomplish what our brains think it does.

From the post:

denying the humanity of people who do horrible things accomplishes exactly three things:

give cover to people who haven't been caught yet by allowing them to use their humanity as "proof" of their innocence

silence any criticism of societal structures and institutions that facilitate those horrible things by putting the focus on individuals who are assumed to be so uniquely monstrous that the ways it was made easy for them are irrelevant

provide a shortcut to dehumanize anyone you feel like killing: simply accuse them of doing a horrible thing

Listen, to me, listen:

I know that we are all human and when we see someone committing evil things, we feel justified and good, and we want to use our teeth and claws to rip them to shreds. I KNOW it feels incredible to reply to pain and harm with equal violence.

But on an ideological level, if you EVER hope to understand how emotional manipulation and dehumanization on a social level works, you NEED to be prepared to unwrap this delicious i-can-murder-that-person-and-feel-rightous burrito.

You need to understand why it is not the swiss knife of justice that it feels like.

You need to know that it can and will be used to kill innocent people who don't deserve it, and you will not even notice.

Because if you can justify murder with a simple 'if you fit into this category you automatically don't deserve to live' then you are supporting an authoritarian regime, who can and WILL happily take the easier job of convincing you that some person that they need dead fits the description (of a person you've already agreed doesn't deserve anything but a swift and unquestionable death).

This is why, when they needed the gays to be feared and hunted, they labeled them 'pedophiles'. This is why they're now doing this to trans people. This is why dehumanization is a tool of oppression, not justice.

There is way to fix injustice in the world and protect children without becoming easier to manipulate and trick.

#chekhov answers #this is a heavy topic and I apologize #but im sorry Kill All BLANK will always be a bad moral statement #justice is complex #it is good BECAUSE it can be complex #trying to force justice to be simple will only make it brutal

[blairamok]

“how long did you have to burn before becoming fireproof?”

been reading the strange moon series by @racketghost lately and was inspired to draw up some crowley angst because that line absolutely haunts me. featuring season 2 angel baby crowley after their million light year freestyle dive into a pool of boiling sulfur. :(

#my art #good omens #good omens 2 #good omens fanart #crowley #heavy angst cw #injury cw #i’m so sorry #but i’m not

[anatomical-puppet]

my source is that i am autistic about horror

#this took longer than i thought it would but i needed to. for my own sanity. #also sorry if the ids are bad i dont have a ton of experience writing them and wasn't sure how to format smth this text-heavy lol #horror #horror movies #body horror #gore #saw #<- mostly tagging for organizational purposes and also bc people calling saw body horror is the main reason i felt the need to make this #puppet scribbles

[tojisun]

dbf!simon but he's actually nice (basically not dear john! simon) teehee <33

he is so sweet and indulgent. he spoils his pretty darling because all he wants is to see you smile. he pays for your tuition, your dorm rent, your groceries. he gives you allowance, and tops it off when you off-handedly mention that there's a new necklace you really want to buy.

he drives you around in his car; picking you up from uni turns into an impromptu trip. he lets you pull him into different shops, and even asks if it'd be okay for you to show him what you want to buy. so you do: you model every clothes you pick, every accessory, and simon's there to compliment you. to praise you. to help you with the zippers or strings or buttons.

he buys you designers, but also those silent rich brands.

but the thing that he does that you love the most is that he lets you talk. vent. ramble.

you pull him into his living room and open your heart out, and simon's there to listen throughout. there are days when you need his help and he offers it with no hesitation, and there are other days when all you need is someone to listen to you and simon is even better at that.

at the end of it, he pulls you to his lap and presses a kiss on your temple.

"what can i do?" he asks.

"just.. please, hold me. just that," you reply, shy after your break down.

and simon does so, careful as he wraps his arms around you before tucking you underneath his chin. he rubs his palm on your back and rocks you two as new tears spill from your eyes.

you two sleep there, on his couch, sometimes. tomorrow, the two of you will wake up with a kink on your necks or backs, but you always feel a whole lot lighter and simon thinks how the backpain is all so worth it.

he cooks you breakfast.

(he's not really good at it so you take over. simon sits on the island in the kitchen, watching you as you flutter around, humming softly to yourself, and wonders if it's too early to give you the gift stowed in his dresser.)

(it's a diamond ring.)

#simon ghost riley x reader #simon riley x reader #simon riley #simon ghost riley #suns #heavy on the paying of tuition because i just paid mine for the summer sem and im cRYING #REAHC KM SO SORRY

[ozzyeelz]

hey I'm normal haha. um. what if u draw some more heavy and medic cuddling haha that would be crazy hahaha.........

HAHA THAT WOULD BE CRAZY….. *hands you these then runs away*

#also sorry if the Russian is incorrect!!! I used google translate because idk where else to get transactions😭😭 #also if tumblr marks this as mature I’m going to go insane #tf2 #art #team fortress 2 #digital art #my art #ozias draws a thing #my artwork #fanart #character drawing #medic tf2 #tf2 medic #team fortress medic #heavy tf2 #tf2 heavy #team fortress heavy #heavy weapons guy #heavymedic #medicheavy #heavy x medic #red octoberfest #red oktoberfest #medic x heavy #Ozzy gets an ask #tf2 fanart #also also #I’m recovering from art block so I’m sorry for any inconsistencies!!

[merlin-s-tea-fortress]

Remember to draw "How Romantic (I suck) " Lol

I rember <- liar

#sorry this took so long oh my heavens #hopefully tumblr doesn’t eat the quality #teehee #anyways. tags #tf2 #tf2 medic #medic tf2 #tf2 heavy #heavy tf2 #heavymedic #red oktoberfest #my art #team fortress 2

[parisoonic]

Two insufferable idiots visit the library. Transcript below as my handwriting is really teeny tiny in that last panel.

Panel 1: Medic: So, we rounded the corner and all those idiots were bunched up around the kart. I pop, and Misha here swept his gun around like it was the hand of God. There was blood everywhere! A full team on one kritz! Hahahaha! What a day! You're probably thinking but Mr. Ludwig, wouldn't they all respawn at once? Yes. They did. It was terrible, but- Librarian (off screen): Sir. Sir please. Panel 2: Librarian : Okay, very good sirs. Your library books are still overdue and covered in...blood? Medic (off screen): And viscera! Panel 3: Heavy: Is OK. I will pay.

Panel 4: Medic: I really thought my enchanting anecdote would get those fines waived for you! Heavy: Is OK Doktor, story was good. You had to be there though. Thanks for coffee. Medic: Ja, you're welcome. It was the least I could do after ruining those books. Heavy: You...you said it was Pyro and Scout... Medic: I did?

#yell at me if the text is too small and i'll adjust or leave a transcript #tf2 #tf2 fanart #tf2 medic #team fortress 2 #tf2 heavy #heavymedic #sorry this comic is a nothing burger! i drew the first panel and then just stream of consciousness'ed the rest #medic gets a charcoal jumper for his wardrobe (sorry i was really bored of colouring in the same fawn colour all the time) #this is also going into the 'them as friends' part of my continium

[junebugdunes]

mark vs customer service

#real talk i have no idea if that bonk sound was in the game or edited into the video but it made me laugh so hard #also sorry if this looks a bit wonky i am on some heavy pain meds rn i just got my wisdom teeth out #markiplier #markiplier fanart #fnaf #fnaf fanart #help wanted 2 #my art #fun fact! i have not drawn mark in almost a year

[mr-president]

DISCOOORD i’m howlin at the moon n sleepin in the middle of a summer afternoon

format stolen from here

#tf2 #team fortress 2 #tf2 medic #tf2 heavy #tf2 engineer #tf2 soldier #tf2 spy #tf2 demoman #heavymedic #engimedic #medicspy #science party #…that’s all the ship names i know im sorry #the other 3 boys are digging a hole in the sand btw #im too fucking tired to draw more rn i’ll draw em later

[bruciemilf]

I wonder how many times Clark and the batkids + Alfred revived Bruce with the Lazarus Pit and just never told him abt it

#he pieces it together later but i mean. its so hard for him to miss now that hes looking back at it #like why is he always always always cold with a turtleneck on and heating blasting #why is his appetite so scarce? how come his sleep deprived body withstands hours - sometimes DAYS - of patrol #and functions perfectly? how come time passes by but he stays the same? why wont clark and dick stop giving gim #*him looks of loving grief? #why does harley slam her fists on her head when she sees him? ' no no no you're gone. you're GONE. I KNOW you are!' #why does selina smile at him with such heavy pity ' sorry bruce. i don't do ghosts' #bruce wayne #dc #dc comics #batman #batfamily #clark kent #dick grayson #jason todd #bc they def exclude the cloning. they dont want another bruce. they want THEIR bruce. tim #like can you imagine jason getting up in tim's face and just ' if you're not gonna stand by us then stay out of our way' #dark bruce? tired. dark BATKIDS? sign me the FUCK up #batdad #text