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kidmachinate · 1 year

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Unrealistic Expectations

I can’t help but wonder about something while joining the masses in doing mindless activities. Said activities done sometimes simply out of habit, constantly scrolling news feeds, social media, or YouTube. What I wonder many times while doing this is how we’ve become quite entitled in many aspects. While I can point to many different examples, this became extremely clear these last two weekends when I played the Diablo IV beta. Plus, gaming is a big theme on this blog of sorts, so I’ll stick to that. This opinion is gonna get a be spicy, if you will.

The amount of complaints for a game that is in Beta, not even a demo, but in beta, truly astounded me. Should this mean we don’t point out issues? Absolutely not. However, claiming you have been ripped off when getting access to a beta period because it “didn’t work right” is simply not valid. You got exactly what you paid for. Access to a beta. You’d think people in the glorious “PC Master Race” would understand what a beta even is and not say these things, but here we are. Now I have to be clear and even in doing so, someone will get mad. I think the same crap mentality goes into why one would be mad for sharing a difference in opinion. Activision-Blizzard is a company rotten at the core. They deserve much of the hate they get. Without getting into all the toxicity in the workplace and keeping it focused on the topic of gaming, they released Diablo: Immortal. One of the absolute worst games put out under the disguise of an awesome IP, just to nickel and dime people when it comes to the true replay value of a Diablo title. The end-game. The nonsense behind microtransactions, battle passes, and the like are issues gamers are very well aware of. Diablo IV is supposed to be the opposite along with a “cometic only” battle pass. I’m giving them the benefit of the doubt until they prove otherwise. I realize this is a risky move. One I’ve already dumped my money into. I’m not going to deny myself the enjoyment of a game I know I’m not going to avoid forever if at all because of nonsense they did that I have no control over. I’m sure it is the same stance people are doing with Hogwarts Legacy. I held my tongue on this because there is no point. We want to enjoy what we want to enjoy. Things aren’t as black and white as we sometimes like to think. Every choice to purchase or not purchase should be based on our own merits and this will also mean that some things we don’t purchase, due to similar reasons. If someone doesn’t buy D4 due to their shit treatment of workers, that would be legitimate. If someone doesn’t purchase Hogwarts due to the dismissal of trans rights seen in the game, I get that too. I’ll see many playing both games regardless and we need to let people enjoy things, so I shut the hell up.

Having gotten a bit sidetracked here, back to the main point. Why do many of us swear we are game developers or experts when we aren’t? Because we aren’t, what some may be doing is consuming facts from experts and sometimes expressing opinions solely based on that, without personal experience. Something that at least should be shared, if you’re going to present that kind of take, instead of presenting yourself like an authority figure on the matter. It’s crazy. Whether is it a game, TV show, whatever, the biggest issue are the keyboard warriors and trolls throughout. Maybe to some this is entertainment…but it actually holds no value and doesn’t lead to any productive discussion. I ignore these takes or choose not to engage, but I see them. They exist. I just find myself continuously shaking my head as a result. Getting the nonsense out of the way, my secondary thinking is even while I likely enjoy Diablo IV or really whatever else, am I making the most of my time?

Knowing gaming is a huge hobby of mine, I’m trying to make sure I do so with intent. Not just playing whatever is new and/or on sale. As I say this, I’m still a bit guilty of the latter point. Thanks Steam. Buying a Steam Deck that I love (free from a company bonus, btw) that I love doesn’t exactly help the matter. Where do I truly want my money spent? Am I doing it for the right reasons? Can I park my money in certain investments and put it to good use? You can do both but intent matters here. You’ve gotta have balance. If we all had a bit more of this, we wouldn’t be so quick I think to jump down someone’s throat for something that they don’t agree with. Gaming is turning into topics I like to avoid due to the amount of people with one way or no way mentalities. Said three topics are religion, politics, and sports. While people who can discuss these in a meaningful way exists, misery loves company and there are many looking for a fight. I’m just not interested in this anymore as it is no different than wasting time with whatever other time-consuming thing that is probably bad. If I do some of these very things in moderation and with an open mind, it becomes more fulfilling as well as staying true to myself.

By the time this goes live, I will have already purchased or am close to purchasing a Paperwhite. Why? I want to combine two things that are the core of my being outside of work. Gaming and finances. While a Paperwhite will not allow for gaming in the traditional sense, gaming has rich lore in book formats. Instead of worrying about potential challenge in a game, I can imagine it as presented instead. Sometimes I do this through YouTube by listening but then I just end up doing it too long. I want to avoid that where possible. I also want to read more on finances to enrich my life. I can do both in one place with the paperwhite. I am choosing the Paperwhite instead of a Kindle because I won’t be able to install apps that do the same things as my phone can already do. I’d be tempted to pick up the phone to check whatever it may be and consume accordingly. This is something I can take on the go. It would be more educational however, because I also have a Steam Deck and Nintendo Switch. If I actually want to play something, I can have that on the go as well. A theme I am embracing more and more by the day. A backpack with items of value to keep on the go, carry stuff for work, have a notepad to write down the important stuff. All this is like rediscovering myself. Seeing things in a new light. Maybe in clearing out the clutter, it leads to new habit and more meaningful connections with people I find myself talking to most often.

To conclude yet another post a bit scatterbrained but with a purpose, I simply say to anyone with eyes on this, take a moment for yourself. We seek hits of dopamine in several aspects of our lives. Are we managing this, or it is managing us? To circle back to Diablo IV, it is certainly the latter for people with nothing better to do than complain about a test period in a video game. Mindset is key for both what you consume as well as how you choose to treat yourself when having free time.

#diablo iv #unrealistic #gaming #activision #blizzard #progression #closed beta #open beta

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uncanny-tranny · 2 years

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hi ? sorry. i saw someone else ask you questions about gender and being trans. but if it’s not cool to ask or you don’t answer this type of question i understand and you can ignore

emyway, i was born afab, but i want to be a boy so bad ? but i like, also want to be a girl and like being a girl. i wish that i could have my body and name and pronouns (she her? maybe ? ah !) but just be known as a boy. i don’t know if that makes sense. maybe i’m crazy. i would just be so much happier if i was born as a boy. i would give anything to be able to transition and not want to be feminine or just be a cis guy somehow and be happy. i don’t know. headache.

I want to lend you my biggest support in your journey. This can be a frustrating path to traverse (and confusing, at times), but you are the captain of your ship.

If you send this in hopes that I can tell you what gender is "really yours," I hope you know that I can never do that. Nobody can but you. There is no higher authority in your identity than yourself. While I encourage all people who are questioning to take their time and to even listen to the personal experiences of people who have shared their journies, it ultimately is up to you to decide what label - if any - you'd like to use (same with names or pronouns or anything else).

Please take however long you need to discover what works for you - in the long run, it seems to be very beneficial. I've found that rushing yourself to find out "what you are truly" can sometimes hurt more than help. You don't need to know right now, and whatever labels you use don't have to be forever. You are not beholden to labels - it's the opposite way around. The labels you use are beholden to you, so you can use a new label or toss an old one aside if you don't think it fits you anymore. You are the master of your universe.

#ask #anon #trans #transgender #lgbt #lgbtq #ftm #mtf #nonbinary #sometimes it IS confusing! it's confusing to even people who uave been out for YEARS #hell in the time between when i made this blog and now my identity has evolved and my labels have changed...#...i have been out-out for almost six YEARS now...#...i think realizing that you are allowed to change and it's not only natural but completely normal and good is a great thing...#...you don't owe it to anybody to have a set-in-stone-never-ever-changing identity...#...and if your identity doesn't shift or change that's also a good and natural thing. you deserve to listen to yourself #i can't tell you how to identify and i sincerely apologize if i ever came across as an authority to tell you how to identify #i appreciate you coming to me with this and being brave to make it known to others (you don't owe people your backstory too)#anon i truly truly wish you well. i wish you affirming days and lovely nights and the peace of mind to take this all at YOUR pace

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deer-knight · 3 years

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I love asking questions about people lol, so sorry if this is really weird. Where'd you get the archery/sword experience? Have you been backpacking? If so, where's your favorite place you've been? Some of you favorite books/authors? What's your favorite part about teaching/working with kids?

alright, i wanna honor these questions with proper responses, so i’ll just tag this as a long post and y’all can deal with it :P i’ve bolded the different questions so you can read whatever you’re interested in. ARCHERY: i started fashioning self-bows and arrows in my parents backyard (which was just about 3 acres) when i was 11, just going on what i knew bows and arrows to look like. i shot at trees and rocks and i’d do it for hours and hours after school. my parents are strongly anti-weapons and the only reason i ever got into archery beyond my backyard bows was because of my grandfather, who gifted me a longbow for my 13th birthday and brought me for a few lessons with a junior olympic coach he happened to know. then armed with some proper equipment and a couple of lessons the rest of it was just practicing in the backyard at primarily self-made targets of foam and cardboard.

and i practiced religiously. nearly every day, for at least an hour or two, i’d be out there. i briefly joined an archery range the following year, and nearly outshot everyone at the first tournament, despite being the only one under the age of 30, which i am proud of to this day.

i continued my practice and love of archery up through high school and uni, but gradually fell out of consistent practice just cause i no longer had the space once i moved out of my parents place. i’ve taught archery for girl scouts and now teach primarily primitive archery at work. so in essence, i’ve come full circle - back to self-bows and shooting at trees in the woods.

SWORDPLAY: most of my swordplay experience is from modern olympic foil fencing, which i did from age 13/14 to about halfway through uni, which is when i discovered sca rapier fighting. somehow i managed to convince my parents it wasn’t at all dangerous or violent (which it technically isn’t - it’s really quite tame, at least if you don’t fence sabre). i mostly fenced foil, but my high school team was tiny, and i filled in wherever bodies were needed, so i learned a bit of everything. i did however break my ankle when i was 16 during a fencing bout, which required surgery. i couldn’t walk for 6 months, but i was back at it again as soon as i was cleared, and having good footwork became my top priority.

as for sca rapier, i was at a local renaissance faire and saw one of their fight demonstrations. i noticed that the techniques looked awfully similar to épée fencing, but the swords looked far more beautiful and certainly more substantial as weaponry. needless to say, i was intrigued. i asked their table how to get involved, and i started attending their practices the very next weekend, never to pick up a foil again. i’ve been fighting with my local group and learning from my sca peers ever since.

since then, i’ve received my award of arms in large part due to my rapier dedication, i’ve won one local rapier championship, and ranked 15th in my very first large scale tourney last year, one with close to 80 participants. at work i teach kiddos the basics of swordplay, using foam swords i constructed of pool noodes, pvc, and duct tape.

BACKPACKING: no, i haven’t technically been backpacking, but i love hiking and i’ve covered most of my local peaks. ^_^

FAVORITE BOOKS/AUTHORS: this has been a difficult and shifting thing of late, as academia crushed my adolescent love of reading and i took a long break from reading for pleasure post-uni.

that said, the kingkiller chronicles by patrick rothfuss and the stormlight archives by brandon sanderson were my absolute favorites in high school, and having reread them recently to try and rekindle my relationship with reading is a difficult thing. they are not the perfect books i romanticized them to be, but i don’t think i can dismiss entirely the good they did for me as a depressed teen. i loved the storytelling, i loved the worldbuilding, i loved the quality of the writing and they way it let me escape for a while. would i recommend the books to anyone today? probably not. i’m searching for better ones.

it’s likely i simply didn’t notice the misogyny or lack of queer representation as a problem because it was what i understood to be normal, and being a daft and obliviously closeted trans queer kid, the only thing i knew how to do was repress and avoid conflict.

i don’t know if i can call those books my favorites anymore. i’ve thanked them for their comfort when i needed it, but i’ve let them go. for now i’m on the hunt for books i can actually see myself represented in.

FAVORITE PART OF TEACHING/WORKING WITH KIDS: hm. i think it would have to be their creativity - the way they ask questions, their curiosity and their different ways of figuring stuff out, and beyond all - their gorgeous imaginations.

there are certain kids who, like me, really just want to learn, to soak up every bit of all they touch and see and hear, and to never stop trying to get better at the stuff they love. one of my students got their first coal using a bow drill this fall, after having tried for years but never quite being strong enough. a new student struggled to cross a fallen log that spans a shallow ravine, too scared of falling off to walk it like a balance beam. they worked at it for a while, crawling out on their butt or hands and knees and then backtracking when they got too scared. by the end of the day they could walk across it, still some fear in their eyes but the confidence of practice in their chest.

i love when kids come back from their “sit spot” (20 minutes of quiet time alone in the woods) to report that they had made a new friend in the form of a tree or a fern or a squirrel that sat near them on a stump for a while. sometimes their new friend has a name and a story, sometimes they don’t. sometimes they were visited by the fairies or the voices of the wind.

and sometimes they take a foam sword to the face and they cry, their arrow doesn’t fly as straight or as far as the others, or they say mean things to one another to protect their own pride and insecurities. sometimes they cut themselves while carving or they get clotheslined by a tree branch, and sometimes they bicker and argue about who did what, and that’s part of it too. we ask them what they notice in their bodies, how they feel and we figure out what those feelings mean and where to go from there. that’s beautiful too.

so, it’s all my favorite. i couldn’t ask for a better job. i’ll most likely do this forever :P

thanks for the questions! i’ve tagged all “about me” kinds of questions with “& lore” so if you want to ask a question but don’t know if i’ve already answered it, check there first! my about me page also has some basic stuff there ^_^

cheers! &

#long post #& lore

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skinfeeler · 3 years

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you may notice so-called progressive members of religions (including those which are minority religions in ‘the west’) spend much more time on critics of religion than conservatives in their own circles. sentiments such as “X discussion belongs within the community” might clue us in as on why, but allow me to proffer a red thread that i believe i have identified throughout all of this.

it is, obviously, true that critique of religion often constitutes or is a vehicle for assorted bigotries. a certain vigilance can be understandable and i advocate among my peers to not let us become callous of the very real dangers that members of certain ethnic and cultural groups (however one might understand these) face, even people marginalised in and by such religious communities. this is then, in fact, the crux of my project: the acknowledgment that say, ex-muslims aren’t really helped by islamophobia given the fact that it’s not like they’re going to get support from those people peddling it, which is exactly why it’s so tragic that many of them feel there’s no place for them on the left, because so many people on the left refuse to acknowledge that even though islamophobia is well, extant, it’s not like people stuck in certain spheres (among which gay and trans people, women, and all children) are impervious from being harmed just because larger society might not be accepting of those who level that harm unto them. this much then is important: to do right by everyone who must be done right by in whatever way and to leave people’s dignity intact, and to do so in such a way that cannot be co-opted by white supremacists and the like— the most important way to do this is to attack the concept of parental authority, which (culturally) christian conservatives will never accept but will resolve basically all problems that result from the shape of religion as a non-elective membership propagated through the family (as structured by clergy etc etc, whatever).

inoffensive as this clause should be to anyone who claims to be part of the left — which must fundamentally oppose the family for either marxist reasons per engels or for other reasons — even anti-theism which very clearly takes this form is mistaken, usually on purpose, by many religious apologists, to be something it’s not. one of those things that get invoked is the very real white supremacism and imperialist thought that is too endemic in our circles. i’ll admit to tendencies herein appearing from time to time — including in myself, at times, regrettably — but i also insist that a large part of this is simply the fact that while religious people enjoy the benefits of community and avenues for discussion and review, many of us do not: all we have at this stage, sadly, is the diatribes of new atheists who consider christendom an important ‘bulwark’ to protect the ‘occident’ who are useless to anything but an insipid culture war. mistakes are going to be made, and i think some small leeway should be allowed those most ambitious of us who still have a clear and provable dedication to justice and equity (and this is in fact the point of any useful notion of freedom of speech), especially since what we currently have works for nobody except those who want first and foremost to remain comfortable— which is exactly what i believe describes so many anti-anti-theists, but we do in fact need an alternative.

it’s not easy to be leftist and religious and my heart goes out to those who try, even if i don’t ultimately think that where they are heading will allow them to keep their principles coherent and intact: members of one’s congregation and one’s spiritual leaders may tacitly condone or endorse ethnic cleansing in the levant, assorted infant genital maiming rituals, reifications of gender that only those least abject to it can find peace with (consider the humble theyfab), the imperative and exaltation of procreation, to name a few possibilities, which one then is implicitly required to respect in order to remain part of such communities, and i understand the struggle of wanting to be or remain part of those and to have to tangle with that. what i don’t understand then, though, is the abhorrence of people outside such circles who perform critique of the like: i simply do not agree with the fact that certain discussions should stay within the community and they should be well left alone in literally every way with no demands made given the fact that certain members in those communities who this harm is visited upon and whose membership isn’t elective (including all children) do not have voice or agency in those discussions — they deserve support and solidarity across cultural lines, especially as it’s apostates from so many religions who helped me survive and i will owe this to them forever — let alone those in the outgroup who fall victim to the real geopolitical consequences of the substance of certain positions that proliferate in some of these communities, as is now more relevant than ever. this latter aspect is obvious to even the progressive religious apologist, however… at least those conservatives, both inside the congregation and in much more conservative movements don’t threaten what they perceive to be the faith.

an instantiation of this which i will see even most progressive religious people abhor is the notion that any religion is tied, inherently, to not just a nation, but a state. and so they can quibble with their zionist peers and spiritual leaders on this, because both of them have one thing in common: the idea that even if one’s religion/culture is not most meaningfully embodied through state, it is through family, and the criticism of the conservative that the progressive has is not that they are wrong, but merely inauthentic and clinging to something unnecessary, but they are not. i vehemently disagree: the nature of most organised religions has changed through both necessity and acknowledged moral imperative. why can a religion which doesn’t transmit through the family (one of only adult converts perhaps) be envisioned— which in turn wouldn’t depend so heavily on the reification of bodies and family immanent in the aforementioned (a conclusion worth stressing on its own)? if you ask me, it’s a matter of a lack of courage borne from a lack of understanding of history— one may want to read doubt: a history by jennifer michael hecht who is considered jewish according to halakha (for however much that fucking means) who speaks on what the german jews in the 19th century, understanding that they could either stay stuck in the present (and thus have their worldview eventually become as farcical as those who believed that recreating the temple era of judaism was either viable or desirable in any histiographical or theological sense as a result of you know, history historying) or establish those principles which they believed were actually important that could be passed on regardless of how judaism was envisioned before. their work, however hegelian in nature, produced some of the greatest minds even among their apostates, including theodor adorno. turns out that even when people become philosophers rather than rabbis (or ministers, or imams, or gurus), they have plenty to offer, there is wisdom and value in exalting sagehood above the pulpit and how the pulpit must always lay down the law for the mechanisms of familial transmission.

consider second, the ancient greeks: the ancient greeks no longer possess the structures required to exercise their worldviews and theodicies as a bloc (in diaspora or otherwise). regardless, many of their concepts and wisdoms persist in various cultures literally all across the worlds, including mine: their strands of cultural dna have germinated in a larger cosmopolitan phenotype, and i believe this is beautiful and worthwhile in its own right, and in no way whatsoever a loss. sure, their influence might not be recognisable as an enduring culture, but does that make it any less valuable? no, not in the slightest. the fact is, once you are on the other side this is the most normal thing in the world, nobody will mourn it, and everyone who wishes to return will be easily dismissed as entertaining a fantasy. the only way to forestall this is in fact a tautological clinging to the present which will necessarily through the course of history become an immanence of reaction, after all, the prime fallacy of reactionary thought is that it is in fact possible to recreate the past, which is plainly not true except perhaps for aesthetic but which will regardless necessarily be rooted in the current conditions of the world. all that forestalling this progression constitutes is the insistence on the completely artificial. much like the workings of the state are one that imposes a false reality, a phantasm, a reification onto the world, so with family, and literally the moment you stop propping it up it will be superceded. let me repeat that: supercession is inevitable, and the most sophisticated elements of any culture acknowledge this and have for literal centuries (although some cultures are ahead of others in this regard by-and-large). for every generation of a culture persisting as itself, apostates and deviants emerge and at this rate they have done more for the progress within any cultural body than will ever happen within such cultural bodies, which must begrudgingly acknowledge that they are dependent on modernity in order to make any progress at all (and as such, will wither away together with modernity), although of course they will deny this at any front— the adaptation of any covenant is desperately contingent on integration and naturalisation of the apostate and the ‘modern’, or at least her wisdom , which the embodied religious individual will then, of course, pretend to practisee more ‘maturely’ than the apostate because they insist on integrating it in a neutered fashion where it is stripped of future potential of development until the next steal comes along, which is better than fully embodied anti-atheism as the ever-sublating struggle against entropy, for some fucking reason.

this is the promise of ‘externality’ that foucault dreamt of: that there is a way of thinking ‘outside the box’ that allows us to once and for all dispel and move on from the ways of thinking that we cannot think outside of. derrida then disputed him by arguing that there is no outside context. derrida is right— regardless, i remain optimistic: perhaps this cosmopolitan neotenous emergence is a culture in itself, but it is as divergent from what came before as christianity is to judaism, and islam to both christianity and judaism. all it takes is courage, and once the leap of faith has been made, this state of affairs will be the most normal thing in the world. in light of this, the claim that anticlericalism is simply an outwash of christendom becomes obviously farcical and a clear double standard when one considers in juxtaposition their insistence that christianity is divergent from what came before, even though in both cases (christendom versus judaism, anticlericalism versus christendom) perhaps some commonality in language exists and perhaps some people exist who have not managed to estrange themselves from the trappings of christian thought— not to mention the worldwide history of anticlericalism that is yet to be integrated which exists exactly because clericalism necessarily has the same structure and function across all religions. join me in this supercessionist bliss, reject the idea that chronology of thought implies that successors are one and the same as what they draw upon or co-opt, and help usher in the only future world worth conceiving of, resting easy and comfortable in the truthful rejection of the notion that any culture needs to cling to the notion of familial transmission to have any worth at all or that its existence as such is inevitable. the complete and utter nullification of familial logic will happen regardless of whether you want it or not anyway, because it is as artificial as the logic of nation and state and likewise unsustainable and on its death march— this is the one and final eschatology of this world which is not a threat, but a promise, since it will (and can) not be the result so much of repression but of religion collapsing under its own weight, and this much is only uncomfortable to those who are disciples to the family regardless of whether they admit it to themselves or not.

#atheism #avery speaks

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richincolor · 3 years

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Jessica’s 2020 Favorites

2020 has been a roller coaster, and frankly, it's a roller coaster I can't wait to get off! But it's been a banner year for incredible YA reads, particularly YA reads by BIPOC authors. My favorite books in 2020 have all been (surprise, surprise) by LGBTQ authors of color, and centering QTPoC stories. Without further ado, here are my top books from 2020 that you should really read if you haven't already:

You Should See Me in a Crown by Leah Johnson

Liz Lighty has always believed she's too black, too poor, too awkward to shine in her small, rich, prom-obsessed midwestern town. But it's okay -- Liz has a plan that will get her out of Campbell, Indiana, forever: attend the uber-elite Pennington College, play in their world-famous orchestra, and become a doctor.

But when the financial aid she was counting on unexpectedly falls through, Liz's plans come crashing down . . . until she's reminded of her school's scholarship for prom king and queen. There's nothing Liz wants to do less than endure a gauntlet of social media trolls, catty competitors, and humiliating public events, but despite her devastating fear of the spotlight she's willing to do whatever it takes to get to Pennington.

The only thing that makes it halfway bearable is the new girl in school, Mack. She's smart, funny, and just as much of an outsider as Liz. But Mack is also in the running for queen. Will falling for the competition keep Liz from her dreams . . . or make them come true? [Image and summary via Goodreads]

Cemetery Boys by Aiden Thomas

A trans boy determined to prove his gender to his traditional Latinx family summons a ghost who refuses to leave in Aiden Thomas's paranormal YA debut Cemetery Boys, described by Entertainment Weekly as "groundbreaking."

Yadriel has summoned a ghost, and now he can't get rid of him. When his traditional Latinx family has problems accepting his true gender, Yadriel becomes determined to prove himself a real brujo. With the help of his cousin and best friend Maritza, he performs the ritual himself, and then sets out to find the ghost of his murdered cousin and set it free.

However, the ghost he summons is actually Julian Diaz, the school's resident bad boy, and Julian is not about to go quietly into death. He's determined to find out what happened and tie off some loose ends before he leaves. Left with no choice, Yadriel agrees to help Julian, so that they can both get what they want. But the longer Yadriel spends with Julian, the less he wants to let him leave. [Image and summary via Goodreads]

How It All Blew Up by Arvin Ahmadi

Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda goes to Italy in Arvin Ahmadi's newest incisive look at identity and what it means to find yourself by running away.

Eighteen-year-old Amir Azadi always knew coming out to his Muslim family would be messy--he just didn't think it would end in an airport interrogation room. But when faced with a failed relationship, bullies, and blackmail, running away to Rome is his only option. Right? Soon, late nights with new friends and dates in the Sistine Chapel start to feel like second nature... until his old life comes knocking on his door. Now, Amir has to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth to a U.S. Customs officer, or risk losing his hard-won freedom.

At turns uplifting and devastating, How It All Blew Up is Arvin Ahmadi's most powerful novel yet, a celebration of how life's most painful moments can live alongside the riotous, life-changing joys of discovering who you are. [Image and summary via Goodreads]

Have you read these books? What books by BIPOC authors were your favorite this year?

#you should see me in a crown #cemetery boys #how it all blew up #ya lit #queer ya #lgbtq ya

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hen-of-letters · 3 years

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To me, the Supernatural finale felt like a slap in the face. And then a suckerpunch to the stomach and a knee in the crotch. Afterwards some more punches, a bit more kicking, and a spit in the eye. So, here's my rambling account of just why I think it was so hurtful, and why I don't think I'll ever stop being sad and angry about how the show ended.

Stories matter. Everything that happens in Supernatural is the result of a decision. Each of these decisions carries a weight and a significance that resonates well beyond the screen.

Castiel's love confession in 15x18 is a beautiful, powerful thing. The love between Cas and Dean has been shown in the text for twelve seasons, but it had never been named in the text until that moment. Castiel's words brought their love out into the open.

However, his immediate and permanent removal from the rest of the narrative (aside from the briefest of mentions) is also powerful. He is erased from the text. After speaking, he is silenced.

Dean is silenced, too. He's never allowed to respond. With him never voicing his feelings for Castiel, their relationship is slammed right back where it came from: into the narrative closet.

Dean's love for Castiel is left as it always was: shown but not spoken. Open to interpretation. This is presented as a positive thing: there's a blank space left in the text where you can imagine them reuniting in heaven.

However, telling the audience that a love story between two men can't be openly declared and that their reunion can't be shown on screen is massively harmful. It perpetuates the idea that queer stories can only be told in the margins, in between the lines, in the silences of the text.

Claire is never shown on screen again after we hear that she loved Kaia. Kaia is rescued from the Bad Place, but their reunion is kept off-screen. Queer love is present, and at least in this case openly defined, but kept in the sidelines, unseen.

It's a phrase with a complex history, but it's telling that 'the love that dare not speak its name' came to be used as a euphemism for homosexual love. Queer love had to be kept silent out of safety. Even now, for many of us, being openly queer can endanger our lives.

Supernatural had a massive opportunity to say: queerness is not to be marginalised or silenced. Here is a love story that is central and spoken and celebrated. I think it's probably the enormous gap between the finale that we had, and the finale that we could have been given (which was the finale that the entire season had seemingly been building towards), that makes Supernatural's ending so heartbreakingly hurtful.

There's a reason, I think, why it feels so viscerally jarring for Cas' confession to never receive a reply or even acknowledgement. Disregarding every other episode of Supernatural up until that scene in 15x18, and with absolutely no knowledge of the characters, what we have is one person saying to another: "I love you". From this point on, every fibre of our being is aching for the answering "I love you, too". That's just how human beings are wired. That's just how narratives function. We hear a question and we need the closure of the answer.

When someone proposes publicly, even though these people are strangers to us, we are all waiting anxiously to hear the "yes". Imagine that you're watching a TV chat show, and then the host announces that someone in the audience has a very special question. Cut to the audience, where someone kneels and says to their partner: "will you marry me?" The camera moves to the partner's face ... and then cuts back to the action on stage. The proposal is never mentioned by the host ever again. You never find out if they said yes. Don't you feel cheated? Don't you feel, maybe, at least annoyed?

Now imagine you have two friends that you've known for years. You've grown up alongside them and you love them dearly. You think they're perfect for each other and you're sure they're in love with each other. One day, you see on Facebook that one of them has finally proposed to the other! You're overjoyed! But this is the last you ever hear from either of them. You never know the answer. You might feel just a little bit frustrated with the ghosting little fuckers. Yes, you can imagine that they're ridiculously in love and they've moved to Maui, but you never know. They might be dead in a ditch. They might be utterly miserable. You just never, ever know.

I swear, I'm normally all about the ambiguity, the open ending, the delicious possibilities of uncertainty. But here the question was too clear, the answer too obvious, the significance too weighty. The entire issue of Supernatural's problematic queer representation came down to this: could we see Dean say "I love you, too"? Could we see them live as well as speak their truth? Sadly, the answer was "no".

There could have been something powerful in the death of the author in Supernatural, in the exhortation to write your own ending, in the acknowledgement that meaning is created in active, creative collaboration between the text and the reader. But this wasn't handing over power. This was passing the buck. Representation is a responsibility.

In the end, Supernatural utterly dismissed the possibility of giving either the characters or the audience the power to write the story. We could have been gifted an open ending: Chuck defeated, Dean, Cas, Sam, Eileen and Jack alive and reunited, and the audience given free will to imagine their future. Instead, it gave us the most closed-down ending possible: all three main characters dead, other characters forgotten, and with nothing more to tell.

Going back to considering characters as friends made me think again about why the finale hurt so much. Yes, the erasure of Eileen from the narrative angered me because the decision was misogynistic and ablist. But also, I absolutely adored Eileen, and wanted her to be happy. She, like every single character in the show deserved better.

However, we don't only see characters as our friends.

We see pieces of ourselves in the characters we love. When we get to see those pieces acknowledged, and treasured, and loved, we feel validation. When we see those pieces disregarded, or silenced, or torn to shreds, we feel hurt.

Consider what someone might see of themselves in Dean Winchester: a queer individual, a war veteran, a survivor of physical, mental or sexual abuse, someone who has felt worthless or suicidal, a caregiver who has sacrificed their own needs for the sake of another.

What killing Dean says to these people is: there is no place for you in the world. The only 'peace' for you is death.

The same message can be read in Castiel's death. It's Castiel in whom I saw a piece of myself. I'm nearly 40, and when I started watching Supernatural in 2005, I didn't yet realise that I was maybe non-binary and definitely bisexual. The world looked at my body and assumed I was a woman. The world assumed I was straight. I was being told a story about myself. It wasn't until later that I realised that there were other stories, that there were other words that I could use about myself. Castiel's story was one that I could identify with (if I'm honest, mostly because of our shared social awkwardness), so his death said to me: if you speak your truth, you'll be shut down and forgotten. Happiness is not something you can have.

The deaths of Castiel and Dean find their bleakest mirror in that of the Kaia from the Bad Place. Not-Kaia wants to return to her own universe, even though she knows it is dying. She feels she doesn't belong in this world: "This place is cold. I don't understand it. I don't know how to move through it. So I just find empty spaces and I hide. This world doesn't want me, and I'm done with it." And, honestly, haven't most of us felt exactly like that at one time or another, for whatever reason? If we've felt different or excluded, if we've experienced physical or mental ill health, if we've felt like an outsider? Although Sam and Dean do try to get her to come back with them, she accepts death - just like Castiel and Dean. Visually, the moment closely resembles Castiel's demise: she's enveloped by blackness, her serene face the last thing to be covered.

Alternate Kaia is the embodiment of otherness. Her hopeless, voluntary annihilation is incredibly troubling. I wonder though if perhaps this moment is the text criticising itself: Alternate Kaia chooses death because the world is hostile towards her. If we marginalise others, if we tell people that who they are means that they have no place in the world, if we tell people that they can only exist in silence and in the shadows, then these people will feel despair. Depression and suicide are a real concequence of exclusion and marginalisation.

In contrast, we're shown Kaia being accepted by Jody. Castiel has already acknowledged that Jody is Claire's found family, and we know that Claire loves Kaia. Here is a hopeful mirror: Kaia, who has been set up previously as an analogue to Castiel, finds acceptance, and love, and a found family.

Dean and Castiel could have been given Claire and Kaia's ending, but instead they die like Alternate Kaia. The world doesn't want them.

I think that the erasure of difference is why the finale feels so flat to me. So empty, so hollow, so silent. The brothers' diverse found family is killed off or forgotten (like Kevin Tran, presumably left to wander the earth forever as a ghost); women are erased; people of colour are erased; queerness is erased. Sam and Dean are reduced to being cardboard cutout versions of themselves, devoid of complexity, with nothing to say.

For 15 years, Supernatural has said: choose free will. You can make your own destiny. You can write your own story. Love can defy the will of God himself. You can be loved and supported by a family that you choose, even if you are rejected by your blood. In the final episode, every single one of these ideas was systematically trashed. It hurt.

What gives me hope, though, is how the fandom responded to this hurt: with creativity and kindness. Immediately, fundraisers such as The Castiel Project and Dean Winchester is Love were set up & have raised a massive amount of money. I don't think I'll ever stop being awed by this.

#spn 15.20 #destiel #dean deserved better #castiel deserved better #eileen deserved better #sam deserved better #every single character deserved better #we deserved better #tw suicide

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starshineandbooks · 4 years

Text

Of ghosts and sons

Based almost entirley off of @lovelylogans‘s Gilmore girls AU - AO3 Tumblr

Read THIS on Ao3

Summary: Remus reflects back on his thoughts of his still living loved ones’ lives. Watching his teenager grow into a married man with a kid.

Also known as: An excuse to write soft dad! Remus and Son! Roman, and explore how a dead Remus feels about his son marrying an academically smart moron.

Word count: 2596

Pairing: Romantic Moxiety, Romantic Logince, familial lampr

Warnings: Dead character (Remus is a ghost kinda?), mild cursing, a few suggestive lines, Remus being Remus, weird food, sympathtic! Remus

Remus figured he achieved a pretty great death. Oh, sure, he misses things, but now he can float around behind people and be himself with free of judgement, which is, nice. Oddly nice. Don’t get him wrong, he’d had friends, ut, even Virgil and Isidora had been a little weirded out every once in a while.

And, he’s watched Virgil and Isidora, of course he did. They mattered to him.

Remus is proud of Virgil, finding a good guy, even if he wasn’t a guy Remus would have chosen, to settle down with. Virgil and Patton, Remus think they’re a good match. He’d have loved to make Patton squirm though. Nothing personal, he liked to make everyone squirm. It was fun!

Patton is also fairly interesting, at first Remus just watched him after earth because he was a scandal. Patton, trans, sixteen year old run away, with a baby. Pretty interesting.

Then, Remus got invested. Oops.

Patton was kind, and a good person. Remus could respect him. Remus isn't so sure that he and Patton would have been friends, but Remus had to admit, Patton was respectable.

Patton Sanders, the kid stood up for himself and his child. Patton befriended Virgil, which is hard enough, then made Virgil love him, which is even harder. Then Virgil fell for Patton romantically, which is a task to make happen.

Patton raised a smart, ambitious kid. Logan. Remus is fond of Logan, but don’t tell anyone. Of course, Logan is also basically Virgil’s kid, which basically makes Remus Logan’s roundabout uncle in a weird way.

Logan is smart, wickedly so in fact. The kid goes to Chilton, and is very ambitious. In a cutthroat manner almost. Yet, Logan is genuinely kind, and cares for Remus’ own child.

That’s another thing. Remus has a kid. A biological child he never met.

Isidora had been someone Remus genuinely loved. Not romantically, but he had loved her more than anything else, except maybe Virgil. But that was a different kind of love.

Isidora, the five foot two latina had been a spitfire of a dancer when Remus knew her. Not much had changed, except, she had Roman not long after Remus died.

And Virgil, bless the man, had fought to be in Roman’s life.

Roman was a lot like his mom, loyal, kind, courageous. Roman was taller than his mother, but just as graceful.

Roman, Remus’ baby, shut up that’s Remus’ baby. His spawn. He’s allowed to be a little sappy.

Roman had grown from an over excited six year old kissing his best-friend-and-first-crush’s skinned knee better into a kind, loyal, selfless teenager who’s a dancer just like his mother.

Remus isn’t stupid. Crazy, inconsiderate, and crass? Sure. But Remus is not and has never been stupid.

He knows that Roman probably is better off for not having him around.

Remus is loud, disruptive, rude, disgusting, and generally the opposite of what is ‘socially acceptable’. Remus even revels in this fact.

But, It’s not always an easy life to lead. And Remus does want Roman to have an easy life where he knows how good he is.

But, on the other hand, he watched Roman struggle with a dad sized cut out hole in his life.

Remus had become something of a myth in Sideshire. Remus, the horror story author recluse, Isidora Prince’s best friend, Roman’s dad, died in a mysterious car crash.

No one really tells Roman much about Remus. So, Roman had a bit of doubt, which is natural.

And Remus is so incredibly proud of Roman. For everything.

Roman had graduated highschool with a solid three point four grade point average. The kid had started college on time and was happy. Roman worked as a dance instructor in the town he attends college in, teaching kids to dance.

Roman ended up with a supportive boyfriend, Logan. And the two are a good couple, built off of friendship, love, trust, and respect. The stuff of fairytales, even if they do argue a little more than they’d admit.

Remus has learned he can in fact visit dreams, and talk to people that way, he’s had some conversations with Virgil and Isidora that way.

But, Remus thinks it might be time to visit his son. Especially since Virgil and Patton are finally engaged and Roman is thinking about proposing to Logan.

So, that’s how Remus finds himself sitting in Lucy’s diner opposite of his son and his son’s boyfriend. Apparently this is a shared dream between the couple. Works just as well, Remus supposes.

After all, Remus is fairly fond of Logan too.

“Excuse me,” Logan says looking up from his book and where his head had been resting on Roman’s shoulder, “Do we know you? You look very familiar, I regret to say I can not place you however.”

Remus grins wickedly, “You wouldn't I’m a ghost! My corpse is rotting six feet under you twerp!”

Roman looks up, startled, “D-dad?”

Logan tilts his head, “Oh, that makes more sense. Hello Remus. Virgil speaks fondly of you.”

“Dad,” Roman whispers again, grabbing Logan’s arm, “Logan, that’s my dad.”

“I know, I can see dear.” Logan says in an exasperated yet fond voice.

“Hello Roman, you really do have a lot of your mother in you. Izzydory, how is she?”

“Izzy- Mama’s okay, she- she misses you. I miss you- uh- Can I miss you? I never met you.”

“You can miss the idea of someone,” Logan chimes, “And you know very well what Virgil would say about dismissing feelings.”

“Yeah,” Roman nods, “I do.”

Remus hums, turning to Lucy when she comes to take his order, “Can I get a bacon shake with Sardines and coffee grounds?”

Lucy just nods and walks off.

“That’s-” Roman chokes, “That’s gross dad.”

Remus laughs delightedly, “That’s the point!”

“He does things for amusement, not because it is logical.”

“There’s no rhyme or reason to what I do kid, I just do a skiddly boo.” Remus smiles, “So, what’s life like for you in the Bronx kid?”

Roman just stares blankly at his father, “This can't be real, I’ve gotta be dreaming, Lo, darling, I’m dreaming right?”

Logan just sighs, “I had assumed I was, I don’t know Roman, one of us is for sure.”

“You both are, it’s a shared dream,” Remus nods sagely, “You guys could get up to some steamy things since you can share dreams-”

“And as Virgil would say, stop it, fam.” Logan drawls unsure, then signs, shaking his head, “Also, what in the world is that supposed to mean?”

“Oh, I just meant you two could use the dreams to have dream sex-”

“Please stop,” Logan groans, putting his face in his hands and making a distressed sound, “Why are you like this? That is your son.”

“I know!” Remus cheers, “So, Roman, any questions?”

Roman stares at Remus, “I- I had so many, but- I can’t remember them now.”

Logan turns and whispers something to Roman.

Roman nods, “That’s right, thanks specs!”

“What’s right kid?” Remus asks.

“Oh, I’ve just always wondered, am I- Am I doing the right thing? I mean, if you’re really Remus, you’ve not seen me my whole life, like, yeah i”m your kid but, I’m not raised by you. Did- Did I do okay? Have I made you proud at least?”

Logan looks rather upset from the question, Remus notes. If the dead man had to guess, he’d say it’s because Logan doesn't like that Roman doubts himself.

And Remus doesn't like it either.

No, he is not being sentimental, shut the hell your mouth.

Remus tilts his head, “I’ve been watching you Roman. You to Logan, but Ro, kid, mijo, you’ve done well.”

Roman’s face is almost comical to Remus, wide eyes, mouth quirked up, eyebrows drawn up. A twinge of relief in the breath Roman lets out. Remus thinks he looks like an overly excited puppy. But that’s Remus’ over excited puppy.

Logan smiles gently, hidden almost. Remus does think it’s interesting how similar Logan is to Virgil.

“Really?” Roman breathes out, sounding even more like an overly excited puppy.

“I very much doubt him to be lying Roman, your mother has never put up with liars before, I doubt she would have in the father of her child.” Logan says simply, well, simply for the eighteen year old genius.

“Really, kid. You graduated with a good GPA, you got out of Sideshire, you’re a dancer just like your mother, you’re brave, and just, and kind, but don’t tell anyone I said any of this sappyniess. And kid, Roman, you’re doing good.”

“Thank you,” Roman says softly.

“You should not thank him Ro,” Logan scoffs, “He said the truth, it’s not like he offered to walk you down the aisle at your wedding.”

“Our wedding,” Roman says quickly, “My wedding will be ours.”

Logan blinks, flushing steadily, “Uh-”

“Hopefully!” Roman chimes, “I mean to hopefully!”

“God you’re obnoxiously cute, you know that?” Remus rolls hie eyes, “I’m sure you’ll both be married forever to each other and have some sappy loving relationship.”

“Thanks? I think.” Logan sighs, shaking his head.

“Hey, dad?” Roman starts, “Uh, got any life advice?”

“Save time by putting toothpaste in your food, use bottle caps as orange holders, get a toilet seat and use it to put your plate on when you eat! And, don’t try to fight with Izzy unless whatever you're fighting about really matters, because she is a stubborn woman and you’ll be tired by the end of the argument, and probably have lost.”

“Uh-”

“The bit about your mom sounds accurate, but she’s nice and might listen?” Logan sighs, shaking his head.

“How do you use a toilet seat- never mind I don’t want to know.”

Lucy comes back, setting Remus’ abomination of a milk shake down.

Remus thanks her, turning his head to look at Roman.

“God, you really got your mama’s pretty, you know that? I mean, you look like me some, but god.”

“I- You thought mama was pretty?” Roman blinks, “I’d always thought you were gay, they always said-”

“Kid, I’m gay, not blind.” Remus chuckles, “But yeah, your mom’s pretty kid.”

“Yeah,” Roman sighs, she is.”

“You’re about to wake up because of an alarm you set because you, my friend, have an early shift today. I’m proud of you kid, you’re doing good. I’ll talk to you again, later. Okay?”

“Dad?” Roman blinks, “Are you really here?”

“I’m dead, but yeah, I’m here.”

“Thanks dad.”

“I love you kid,” Remus sighs, “Good luck on your test tomorrow!”

Roman blinks startled but fades from the dream, leaving just Logan.

Logan looks at Remus and snorts darkly, “This isn't at all awkward, you know, my boyfriend’s dead dad in Lucy’s diner. Not to mention that you’re Virgil’s best friend.”

“Yeah, probably word that I’m your uncle and your boyfriend’s dad,” Remus snorts, “But I like weird.”

“Uh, uncle?!”

“Yeah, you’re basically Virgil’s kid, meaning that since I’m basically his brother, that I’m basically your uncle!” Remus cackles, “I thought you were the smart one!”

“It depends on the kind of intelligence,” Logan sighs, “I’ll admit I lack some of the more, say, social knowledge. But, I have dad and Roman at least.”

“Yeah, well, you're a good kid to Logan.”

“Thanks.”

“Be good to my baby Logan,” Remus says darkly, “Be good to my baby or I’ll figure out how to ruin your entire life.”

Logan looks up to Remus, “If I were to be bad to Roman, I’d have ruined my life myself. Because, he is my everything, as stupid and sappy as that sounds.”

Remus nods, “Good. You’ll make it through you know you two will make it out together.”

“Good.” Logan hums, tilting his head, “You're an asshole though. You really hurt a lot of the people we both care for.”

“Ballsy,” Remus smirks, “Calling the dead father of your boyfriend that. I knew I liked you!”

“Very few people seem to,” Logan shrugs, “But the whole dying and destroying Ms. Prince and Virgil and leaving Roman to be in the dark is really my only complaint against you.”

“Y’know, I did regret not being able to be there for them, but Roman especially. He’s my baby Logan, I know you don’t have kids, but, there’s just something about them.”

“So I’ve been told.”

“Yeah, well, I should go.”

“Probably so. And Remus?”

“Yeah?”

“If you really can talk to people through dreams, don’t leave Roman alone, he’d like you to talk to him. And, maybe talk to Virgil and Ms.Prince some too.”

“Of course. Later dork. Dork means- You’re gone.”

Remus shakes his head as the dream dissolves around him, a bitter laugh leaving him.

Remus made sure to speak to his loved ones every so often, the first time he visited Isidora after Logan had told him too it had been ten years and she had cried a little when she woke up.

Virgil had insulted Remus the whole dream that Remus had visited the emo music loving man.

Remus watches Virgil and Patton’s wedding, glad to watch the entire thing and see his best friend happy. Remus notices that Roman is the best man for Virgil, but only because Logan was Patton’s best man. The younger couple gave a nice speech that called attention to the fact that this wedding has been a long time in the works.

Virgil and Patton’s first dance is sweet and too sappy for Remus’ taste but okay.

Remus nearly screams when Roman and Logan get engaged, because, like the dorks they are, they propose at the same time.

Logan and Roman got reneged on their fifth anniversary, in the gazebo, under the stars. Remus had proposed first, because this was his plan. But Roman pulled out his own ring and asked Logan.

Because the two are entirely too cute.

Remus gloated to them next time he spoke to them both, he called it after all.

Roman and Logan’s wedding is a year and a half later, over the summer between their junior and senior years in college.

It’s a bigger affair than Virgil and Patton’s had been, but not the largest wedding.

The whole town came, along with Logan’s grandparents, and a few friends from the boys’ own colleges.

Roman and Logan had stared at each other sappily the whole vow giving, making stupid cow eyes.

But, Remus creamed the loudest cheer out of anyone at that wedding when the two kissed and sealed the deal. He caught Isidora and Virgil looking around, then sharing a glance and a bitter laugh, a mutter of Remus’ name.

Roman and Logan’s first dance, per Roman’s selection, was a stupidly sappy song, for a pair of stupidly sappy new husbands. Husbands, God, Roman was married now. To his highschool sweetheart no less, his small town highschool sweetheart.

Remus would say something arguably rude about the whole sappy ordeal, if it wasn’t Roman’s wedding.

A few years down the line, after Logan and Roman graduate, they buy a house in Sideshire, adopting a kid. And oh, Remus has a grandchild now.

Virgil and Patton went to family dinners on Fridays with Emilie and Richard Sanders, Logan and Roman going as well. And somehow, Remus is glad that his saps have each other.

As much as Remus misses his friends and his family, as much as he wishes he could be there for them in the flesh, he’s proud of them no matter what. Even if they are stupidly sappy.

But, Remus looks forward to reuniting with Isidora and Virgil, and officially meeting the rest. One day, but hopefully, not soon.

#WYLIWF verse #logince #moxiety #platonic lamp #Sympathetic! Remus #Patton Sanders #Logan Sanders #Virgil Sanders #Roman Sanders #sanders sides #Ghost! Remus Sanders

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mysteriousmoonie · 5 years

Text

gaming club headcanons

i haven’t been on this funcking site forever and i haven’t posted any dumbass headcanons on the yandere simulator tag in forever. so much has happened?? my girl hanako has plot relevance in a different universe and my boi kencho is on a boat but whatever floats his boat---- *slapped* okay let’s talk about this instead :)))

read more because these are looooonggggg

gema taku: (look mom it’s me in four years!)

- it’s been established that he’s an asshole. and he is, don’t get me wrong. but i like to think gema genuinely wants some friends- just people who have the same interests as him. i think everybody can agree on that, he just takes it way too far.

- but that’s because gema is passionate about video games! his parents (but especially his grandparents on his mom’s side omg) have spoiled him, mainly giving him video games since they’re expensive and to them expensive = kids like it. that’s how he got his first gameboy color when he was only five. ever since he’s been addicted

- but now his parents are REALLY worried, they’re like ‘frick we fricked our kid up’ his grandparents are supportive as ever but that’s because he doesn’t live with them. if he ever moved in with them (and let’s be real, if he doesn’t get his life together soon he’ll have to!) they’d be as disappointed as his parents. but he doesn’t know how disappointed they are yet shhh

- he actually has a little brother who would be in like 5th grade if they were in america. (i dunno i’m dumb) his little brother doesn’t like spending time with him and gema doesn’t like spending time with his brother.

- while it’s true gema’s brother hates him and his brother is nowhere near as spoiled as gema, his brother still likes video games. they’ve 100% done the “mom said it’s my turn on the xbox” thing together, pretty much every day after school

- speaking of after school literally the only responsibility gema has is to pick up his brother; he forgets to do it half the time.

- his brother does martial arts as a hobby and gema is forced to go to his brother’s matches. he hates it and mainly plays video games like always,,, though sometimes he peeks up, gives his brother a thumbs up, then goes back to whatever he was doing. he’s a jerk but he can be sorta supportive

- honestly gema’s brother could take him down in a few seconds despite being half his size

- really popular on social media, has this whole persona and everything! only the gaming club members (and probs his brother too) knows about it but he’s mostly teased. secretly he kinda wishes he could be as popular on the internet as he is in real life (Same gema same, but i’m not popular anywhere lol)

- get this though! he doesn’t really have a crush on the bullies. he just wants to be friends with them so he can get popular. i think that’d be a good alternative so the fandom could not be pissed off about it (but i don’t really like it either don’t get it twisted fam)

- hoarding thousands of anime body pillows within his closet

- honestly his only friends are the guys in the gaming club but they don’t even 100% like him... actually, midori does! him and midori are really good friends and they genuinely like each other’s company. but gema will never admit that out loud.

- hates fureddo, considers him satan even though that guy is one of the nicest at school.

pippi osu: (when you play osu! and yandere simulator)

- obvious headcanon is obvious. she plays osu! a lot and is a champion at it.

- she’s seriously a sweet girl, but she’s really introverted and prefers to be alone most of the time. that’s how she got so good at video games, she dedicated her alone time to it and now she’s an e p i c g a m e r

- she’s really short, the shortest person in the gaming club. everybody considers her the baby of the group and she gets treated as such. that lowkey annoys her but she’s learned to live with it, and get those sweet sweet baby perks. because that’s a thing now.

- disaster bi!!! she likes girls and boys equally but is kinda shy when it comes to girls in real life. luckily ryuto exists, so it’s fine---

- was probably a furry in middle school. she’s still a fan of sonic boom and wears her bandana the way she does because of it.

- she works at the yandere simulator universe gamestop! it’s a really fun job for her. it’s how she met ryuto! he was buying a video game for a friend of his (not anyone in the gaming club because he didn’t know them at that point) and he saw the super cute cashier and his heart exploded. he died right at that moment and his body was taken to the morgue.

- she has a literal vodka aunt and loves her. she comes by often at the house because pippi’s parents work a lot, so her aunt watches over her! her aunt always brings a ridculous but fun gift with her and they have a lot of fun. once ryuto came over when pippi’s vodka aunt was over and since that woman was lowkey getting a bit drunk she ALMOST SPILLED THE TEA ABOUT PIPPI’S CRUSH ON HIM AND PIPPI WENT TO THE MORGUE

- owns a pet cat named ozzy. (yeah i’m going all out with the references)

ryuto ippongo: (is it THAT DUDE?)

- no, it’s not that dude. he’s awkward as hell and doesn’t even really like video games that much. but it seems like everyone around him does, so he pretends he does. especially for pippi! because oh my GOSH that girl is cute though!!! he knows it and wants to date her really badly but he’s socially anxious and can’t bare to ask her out. yet

- he loves his parents and all, but he’s constantly lying to them saying he’s studying, even though he’s playing video games and “subtly flirting” with a cute girl. (him lying to his parents is actually canon i think)

- honestly the only the only expectation his parents have for him is to get good grades. that’s all they really care about, but they still do love ryuto. he just kinda feels like that’s all they care about sometimes, since they ask about it often and it gets on his nerves

- as you can see ryuto just wants to fit in. he’s never really been part of a distinct crowd before, and it always made him feel different compared to his peers. but once he got into the gaming club he was a lot happier! though, he still doesn’t like how he has to lie to everyone. he really wishes he could just be honest.

- he’s actually dyslexic, but he was worked with at a young age so he can read good enough. he still feels more pressure because of this, though. he keeps this secret from everyone in the gaming club, especially pippi, in fear of being made fun of.

midori gurin: (MY FAVORITE)

- Has ADHD

- Even though she cannot focus whatsoever, her positivity is contagious, and so is her smile. Basically everybody lights up when she walks in the room. However, she has been bullied because of her hyperactivity. Though Midori will stand up for herself, and she takes shit from nobody. Please don’t make Midori mad. She will take you downtown, and she can hold some pretty mean grudges too. (At least, sometimes.)

- Very forgetful, and that’s why she asks so many questions all the time.

- She loves Pokemon! Midori is very passionate about it, and her favorite Pokemon is Magearna. (She’s got thousands of Pokemon plushies)

- Her family is rich, she’s an only child, and she’s somewhat spoiled. She always has the latest technology, ESPECIALLY the newest phone models. i read on the wiki that yanderedev said midori’s parents are likely VERY cumb but personally i don’t agree and that’s why i make headcanons, to go against authority :)))

- Wants to become a videogame designer, though she doesn’t have the patience to become one tbh. she thinks it’s easy but when she tries to do it she cries after like, 10 minutes because she can’t code.

- Midori is friends with gema because she knew he needed a real friend, so she’s always there for him!.

- Has a bunch of different accounts for different websites; barely uses them. She is a VERY fast texter, but sometimes gets so excited during texting that misspells words or accidentally ends up spamming the other person she’s texting.

- Is currently secretly dating kaga kusha,,,, OKAY LISTEN! i know the uh, reason why most people ship them... but for my own sake i’m gonna say that’s not canon at all (i hope it’s not) and i’m gonna ship them because the iconic dumb and proud + smart and crazy couple is iconic, at least to me

- Her movements are quick and jerky.

- Whenever she's happy she hums her favorite songs and dances around everywhere.

mai waifu: (cutie!!!)

- she’s trans and she’s openly out! i’m pretty sure that’s been said everywhere but i like that headcanon so ya know... even if that wouldn’t really work in japan... let’s ignore that!

- the bullies like to target her for obvious reasons, but she’s learned to ignore them for the most part, and focus on her friends and supporters.

- she is the one that has given the gaming club that whole “otaku” vibe. sure, the others like anime but her!!!! oh her!!!!! she takes it to the extreme. it’s in her nickname, her aesthetic, everything.

- speaking of aesthetic she has an aesthetic tumblr blog

- she has social anxiety, so she doesn’t have too many friends... but lots of guys (and girls too tbh) have huge crushes on her because she’s just so cute.

- her best friend is pippi! they play video games, watch anime, have plenty of sleepovers and they play with ozzy! it’s a lot of fun. mai is one of the only people who know of pippi’s crush on ryuto and she is pippi’s wing woman.

- while she’s really good in domestic type of situations (she’s really close to her mom) she can’t really draw. at all. but she still likes it! most of her drawings are crappy looking anime characters, but she tries lol.

k i’m done. expect something on kencho (probably idk) in the future because i love to destroy the yandere simulator tag by being on it

#yandere simulator #yandere sim #yandere simulator headcanons #gema taku #mai waifu #midori gurin #pippi osu #ryuto ippongo #yandere sim headcanons

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thetwoinone-blog · 5 years

Text

"Your point?"

Bruce x Trans!MaleReader

Authors Note: As requested by @gamma-heart , As a transman myself, it was amazing to work on this! -Zarie

Word Count: 1,372

Warnings: None, it's fluff.

"Way to go big guy." You smiled approaching Hulk, giving his arm a friendly tap with your knuckles. The battle had ended and the rest of the team was picking themselves up.

"Hulk strongest Avenger!" Hulk playfully patted your back, a grin on his face. Still the force was enough to knock your breath out.

"Hey, I'm fragile remember?" You laughed a little, trying to catch your breath. "You certainly did a number on them."

"Hulk smash!" Hulk shouted proudly.

"Hulk did smash." Tony's voice came over the coms. "But we can't exactly fit him in our ride back."

"No! No Banner!" Hulk crossed his arms.

"He isn't that bad..." You stood on your tiptoes, doing your best to rub his shoulder comfortingly.

"But Hulk may not come back!!"

"That isn't true. Even Banner knows we need you to save the world." You gave him a soft smile. "So don't worry, you'll be back in no time."

Hulk gave you a look of minor defeat but nodded.

Hulk had never wanted to give Banner the body back. It was understandable after all the things Banner did to get rid of him.

However, since you joined the Avengers things became a little different. Tony often joked you were their counselor or "The Hulk Whisperer" because of how you always seemed to know what to say to the green giant.

Still, even though you could usually get Hulk to agree to change under the promise he wouldn't be gone forever, the transformation back was never pretty.

"Hey relax...It's gonna be alright..." You whispered softly, carefully wrapping your arms around him to keep him up right.

Bruce's hands instinctively gripped your arms to steady himself as he reappeared. The green quickly ebbed away from his skin. His breathing was still rapid.

"Shh shh...It's ok. Bruce it's ok I'm here." You continued to whisper as you gently rubbed his back. His grip loosened as he breathing returned to normal.

"(y/n)..." Bruce smiled a little, shaking his head."I will never understand how you do that...Wait...When did get here? Are you alright?!" His eyes filled with concern.

"Whoa whoa, hey...I'm fine relax..."You whispered softly. "The fights over. I'm ok." You felt his muscles relax under your fingertips.

"Right..." Bruce finally pulled away, letting out a deep breath.

"Let's get you home ok?" You removed your jacket, wrapping it gently around his shoulders.

Bruce could only smile as he followed you back to the helicarrier making sure to keep the jacket wrapped tightly around him.

Back at the tower, you slipped off to head to your room. After missions of that magnitude, nothing felt better than clean clothes and a nice shower. Afterwords you'd normally join Bruce and help him with whatever he was working on in the lab. Sadly today, you weren't sure if you were gonna make it. The mission took its toll on you, and all you wanted was to lay down.

Bruce had a different idea on how to spend the evening when he walked into the kitchen to boil some water for his tea.

"So, Banner." Tony had strolled up beside him. "You and (y/n) are getting pretty close huh?"

"Well, I wanted to talk to you about that Tony..."Bruce poured the water into his mug, before placing his favorite tea inside.

"Why? He not your type?" Tony leaned back against the counter. "Cuz he digs you."

"No, no he is it's just..." Bruce looked up. "He does?"

"You didn't know?" Tony raised an eyebrow. "Banner, even Cap noticed."

"Look I haven't dated anyone since...the incident." Bruce took a sip of his tea. "I'm not even sure if it's a good idea...or if I even know how."

"Well first off, the other guy digs (y/n) as much as you do."

"He does?"

"How do you think he can always get you back?" Tony smiled wrapping his arm around his friends shoulders. "So what's the plan?"

"The plan?" Bruce took another sip. "What plan?"

"To win him over? Weren't you listening? He likes you Banner." Tony shook his head. "Listen, just go up to his room and tell him you feel the same."

"And if I don't?"

"I'll do it." Tony winked. "Tomorrow morning over breakfast with everyone." He pulled away and headed out of the kitchen. "Your choice!"

Bruce stared into his tea mug nervously. Next thing he knew he was in front of your door.

You had just stepped out of the shower, towel wrapped around you when you heard the soft knock on the door. You cursed softly. Not now.

"Just a minute!" You called out. Quickly you dropped the towel and changed into your pajamas. Careful to keep one arm over your chest you opened the door. "Bruce?"

"Hey (y/n)? Can I come in?" Bruce was clutching his mug tightly to hide how nervous he was.

"Yeah of course!" You pulled the door open before your second arm joined the other over your chest. "What's up?"

"Oh um...I just wanted to talk about...if you would..." Bruce's eyes darted around the room as he looked for the words he wanted. They ended up settling on the towel. He froze seeing the red stain and immediately set down his mug. "(y/n) I thought you said you weren't hurt, we have to get you patched up."

"I'm not hurt!"

"Your pale and obviously in pain, and I know blood when I see it. Come on..." Bruce gently grabbed your wrist and froze when he felt it.

"Look I'm sorry I didn't tell you..."You pulled back, arms crossing tighter over your chest. "I didn't tell anyone...except the doctors here... I just couldn't deal with Tony's jokes or Steve's questions..."

"You shouldn't be up right now (y/n)." Bruce's eyes never left yours. The worry never left them. "I'll be right back, you just lay down ok?"

You nodded, slowly taking a seat on the edge of your bed and laying back. Bruce nodded and quickly left.

Before you could even guess what he was up too, he was back with a bag in one hand, and a second mug in the other.

"Here...I brought a heating pad, and some pain killers. " Bruce sat on the edge of your bed, beside your body. He removed a soft heated pad from the bag, gently placing it over your waist before holding the mug out to you. "The tea is my special blend...it's suppose to promote relaxation."

"Bruce..." You stared into the steaming mug unable to think of the right words. "Thank you..."

"Are you comfortable?" Bruce gently placed the painkillers in your free hand and watched as you took then. "Those should help with the pain." He smiled before he got up, carefully placing the discarded towel and clothes into the hamper.

"You...didn't have to go to all this trouble Bruce..."

"It wasn't trouble. I said I wanted to talk to you..." He took his seat on the edge of the bed again, careful not to jostle you.

"Oh that's right. You were asking if I would?..."

"If you would...be my boyfriend..." Bruce blushed, letting out a defeated sigh. "That wasn't the way I wanted to ask but Tony threatened to take it into his own hands and I didn't think you would want him sticking his nose into your business..."

"Did...you say boyfriend?"

"Well of course. What else would I have said?" Bruce snapped out of it and looked at you, brows furrowed in mild confusion.

"Well it's just...I'm...you know..." You looked back down into the tea. "Trans..."

"And I turn into a giant green rage monster as Stark put it." Bruce took a sip of his own tea. "Your point?"

"Well it's just...I mean..." You shook your head, laughing softly. "I guess I don't have one."

"Then, (y/n)," Bruce took your free hand in his. "Would you like to...?"

"I'd love too."

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aliteraryprincess · 5 years

Photo

Blanca & Roja by Anna-Marie McLemore

Warning: Contains spoilers

Welcome back to Fairy Tale Friday! This has been in the works since late January, and now it’s finally getting posted. Yay! Today we’re looking at the first “Snow White and Rose Red” retelling of this feature. It’s also the first retelling of this tale that I’ve ever read. Blanca & Roja has elements of Swan Lake as well. I’ll talk about this a little, but I’m not going to focus on it too much since it isn’t technically a fairy tale (it is my favorite ballet though).

As a Retelling:

“Snow White and Rose Red” is different from other tales I’ve discussed in this feature because it doesn’t have basis in any oral folklore. The original story, called “The Ungrateful Dwarf,” was written Caroline Stahl, and the Grimms later adapted it. They added elements such as the bear prince and the marriages at the end, and this became the best-known version of the tale. This is the version McLemore draws off the most, but one thing she uses from Stahl’s is the family set up. In the Grimms’ version, Snow White and Rose Red live only with their widowed mother. In Stahl’s story, the girls are part of a large family. McLemore takes this approach; though Blanca and Roja are the only two children in their immediate branch of the del Cisne family, both of their parents are alive and they have many aunts, uncles, and cousins.

McLemore’s sisters are set up much in the same way the Grimms’ are. Blanca--Snow White--is the softer of the two, helping her mother around the house and doing everything possible to protect her younger sister. Roja--Rose Red--is fierce and has a temper; instead of learning domestic tasks, her father teaches her to use her anger, fight, and ask questions. Their differences are highlighted in their appearances; Blanca has golden hair and light skin while Roja has deep red hair and dark skin. However, despite being so different, they are extremely close. There is a curse on the women in the del Cisne family: there will always be two daughters, but one will always turn into a swan. Blanca and Roja are determined to avoid this curse and both remain human. In the Grimm tale, Snow White and Rose Red make a promise to never desert each other, and their mother comments, “Whatever one gets she shall share with the other.” We see a version of this in the way Blanca and Roja try to put off the curse. They try to make themselves so similar that los cisnes--the swans--won’t be able to tell them apart. Blanca eats red rose petals and prickly leaves while Roja eats white petals and rounded leaves. Blanca wears a red ribbon in her hair and Roja wears a white one. The idea is that the things associated with the opposite sister will balance out their personalities, making Roja softer and Blanca sharper.

The bear prince of this book is Barclay Holt, a boy from a wealthy family. After fighting with his cousin, Barclay goes into the woods near the girls’ house and transforms into a bear. In the Grimm version of the fairy tale, the bear comes to the cottage door one winter night wanting to warm himself. He befriends both girls and their mother and continues to come each evening of the winter. In the novel, Roja finds Barclay in bear form rooting around for food near the house. She feeds him and the two form an instant connection. Unlike in the fairy tale, Blanca has very little to do with Barclay while he is a bear. She has her own animal companion, a cygnet who turns out to be Barclay’s best friend, Page. Another major difference is the timing of him turning back into a human. In the fairy tale, this does not happen until the end of the story when the bear prince kills the dwarf who transformed him and stole his treasure. Barclay becomes a human again very early on and doesn’t live with the girls until after this transformation occurs.

As a child, I always found the marriages at the end of this fairy tale a bit disappointing for two reasons. First, there are two sisters but only one bear prince. They obviously can’t both marry him, despite him saying at one point, “Snow White and Rose Red, don’t beat your lover dead.” So Snow White marries the bear prince, who they have both become close with over the winter, and Rose Red marries his brother who she has never met. And even though it’s really common for fairy tale heroines to marry men they don’t know at all, it bothered me here because one of them does marry a man she has a strong relationship with. My second issue was that it’s Snow White who marries the bear prince. I always felt that it should be Rose Red because she is the more adventurous and wild of the two. McLemore fixes both of these issues. Though Blanca does pursue Barclay for her own reasons (more on that later), he is clearly Roja’s love interest. The prince’s brother of the fairy tale is changed to his best friend, Page, and McLemore develops her character and her relationship with Blanca beautifully. Page is transgender and non-binary and alternates between between he/him and she/her pronouns throughout the book. I’ll be using she/her since that’s what Blanca uses for her most of the time. Page actually has her own subplot based on a completely different fairy tale: “The Ugly Duckling.”

The sisters of the fairy tale have an ideal relationship with no conflict between them. Blanca and Roja, though they are close, do have the conflict of the curse. Most in the family think Roja will be the one to turn into a swan, and both girls are very aware of this. When los cisnes finally arrive, Blanca is told that she can save herself by getting a blue-eyed boy to fall in love with her. When Barclay transforms back into a human, she sees he has blue eyes. Instead of trying to win him to save herself, Blanca makes a deal with los cisnes: if she gets Barclay to fall in love with her, Roja will remain human and Blanca will turn into a swan. However, she doesn’t tell Roja about this. When Roja finds out about what Blanca was told and sees what’s happening, she believes Blanca has abandoned her and is trying to save herself. As a result, she tries to make herself more like Blanca in an effort to get Barclay to fall in love with her instead. This is where the Swan Lake aspect of the novel comes in. In the ballet, Odette--the Swan Queen--has been transformed into a swan and the only way to break the curse is for someone to swear to love her forever. She and Prince Siegfried fall in love, but the evil sorcerer Rothbart uses magic to make his daughter Odile--the Black Swan--appear like Odette. At a ball, Siegfried declares his love for Odile believing she is Odette, thus dooming the real Odette to remain a swan forever. So both girls are trying to get a declaration of love out of Siegfried, just as Blanca and Roja are both trying to get Barclay to fall in love with them. The parallels between Odette and Odile are further drawn in the climax of the novel when both sisters transform into swans; Blanca becomes a white swan and Roja becomes a black one.

Another major difference between “Snow White and Rose Red” and Blanca & Roja is the antagonists. The antagonist of the fairy tale is the dwarf who the girls try to help in the second half of the tale, though he doesn’t actually do much in the story. They continually find him trapped and free him twice by cutting his beard and once by pulling him away from from an eagle, ripping his coat in the process. Instead of being grateful, he is angry and berates them. The final time they meet him, the bear prince appears and attacks him. The dwarf tries to convince him to eat the girls, but this does not work. It is then revealed that the dwarf is the one who turned the prince into a bear and stole his treasure. The main antagonists in the novel are los cisnes, which are a complete creation of McLemore’s. The driving force behind everything that happens is Blanca and Roja trying to avoid their family’s curse. However, I think there is a subtle equivalent of the dwarf in the form of Barclay’s cousin Liam, who acts as a secondary antagonist. Barclay discovers some illegal things his family has done and has proof. Liam wants to make sure this proof never gets out. He seriously injures Barclay when they fight about it, and this leads Barclay to go to the woods and transform into a bear. As I said, it’s very subtle and maybe not an absolutely direct comparison, but in a way Liam causes the transformation just as the dwarf causes the bear prince’s. Barclay’s proof of his family’s activities can be viewed as the treasure the dwarf steals from the bear prince.

My Thoughts:

Everything about this book is gorgeous, including the writing and the cover, but my favorite part is the relationships. And not just the romantic ones, but also the family relationships and the friendships. McLemore does a beautiful job developing them and making them deep. The major crux of the story is obviously the relationship between the sisters, and I think she does a great job portraying how siblings can be close and love each other but also feel jealous and resentful. I also thought the friendship between Barclay and Page was wonderful. McLemore gives it the same importance as the romantic relationships, which I really appreciate. I think that all too often fiction portrays romantic relationships as better and of more value than friendships, and that simply isn’t true.

As I’ve said in other posts, I’m always happy to find LGBT+ fairy tale retellings. This is actually the first book I’ve read with a major non-binary character. I’m obviously not able to judge how accurate the representation is since I’m not trans or non-binary. However, in her author’s note, McLemore does mention that her husband identifies as transgender and non-binary and taught her about the complexities of gender identity. We see Page struggle with other people’s reactions to her identity and yearn for acceptance, especially from her family. We also see how important it is to respect a person’s pronouns and to just ask when in doubt. This is what Blanca does, and it means so much to Page. There is also major Latinx representation, and it is own voices as McLemore is Latina. Again, her author’s note has some interesting insights into this aspect of the novel; she discusses the way Latina women are pitted against each other and the implications of the idea of “getting a blue-eyed boy,” which was actually said to her when she was young. It’s great to see racial diversity in fairy tale retellings since it’s a genre typically based on European tales featuring white characters. I really hope McLemore will write more retellings!

My only problem with the book is that I found it confusing at times. This was really more of an issue toward the beginning of the book. It features four first-person narrators, and I did sometimes have trouble keeping track of which POV I was on. There are also some confusing jumps in time. Something would be happening in the present, then the narrative would move on to something that occurred in the past. Ultimately, I figured it out and it didn’t detract from my enjoyment of the book. But I thought it would be worth mentioning since there were several occasions when I said, “Wait, what?” and had to reread.

My Rating: 4 stars

Other Reading Recommendations:

The starred titles are ones I have read myself. The others are ones I want to read and may end up being future Fairy Tale Friday books. Since this is the first retelling I’ve read of this tale and the first book I’ve read by McLemore, there aren’t many starred titles.

Other Retellings of “Snow White and Rose Red”:

Snow White and Rose Red by Patricia C. Wrede

The Shadow of the Bear by Regina Doman

Tender Morsels by Margo Lanagan

Twin Roses by Sarah Cross

Snow & Rose by Emily Winfield Martin

Other Books by Anna-Marie McLemore:

Wild Beauty

The Weight of Feathers

When the Moon was Ours

About the Fairy Tale:

“History of ‘Snow White and Rose Red’” by Sarah Viehmann*

Have a recommendation for me to read or a suggestion to make Fairy Tale Friday better? Feel free to send me an ask!

#booklr #book photography #blanca & roja #anna-marie mclemore #aliteraryprincess fairy tale friday #snow white and rose red #fairy tale retellings #books

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polygrumpssecretsanta · 6 years

Text

Secrets Kept and Secrets Told

Author: @elisisland Recipient: bodacious-energizedprotodermis Pairing: Dan/Arin Warnings: Trans Characters, Coming out Title: Secrets Kept and Secrets Told Summary: Dan has a secret he can't let Arin know just yet. Word Count: 1142

“No sexual stuff for awhile, okay?”

Arin sat at his desk, staring at his monitors, replaying the words Dan said to him over four months ago. He knew better than to push Dan into something he wasn’t ready for, but when Dan was starting to give Arin sexual favors, but refusing to accept any, Arin was just a bit curious. Slowly, carefully, Arin derived a plan.

Dan patiently waited for his boyfriend, so they could finally start the day’s session and he could get back to the writing session he had started with Brian. Hearing the door open, he looked over the back of the couch and smiled at Arin. Something in his stomach told him to leave, that the grin Arin had was devious. But still he remained. “Hey, Arin. What's up?”

Arin sauntered over, swing his hips. “Not much, Dan. What’s up with you?”

Opening his mouth to answer, Dan stuttered out, “N-n-nothing. What,” he laughed as Arin placed his hands on Dan’s shoulders, “are you doing?”

“Nothing.” Arin pouted, pressing one knee into Dan’s hip. “I,” he began slowly and straddled Dan, “just wanna make out with you.”

The pit got bigger, deeper, worse. Dan raised a brow, “Is that all?”

“Well,” Arin sat down on Dan’s thighs. “Maybe we could do some other things.”

Laughing, Dan pressed a kiss to Arin’s lips. “You can just say you want a blowie. You don’t have to be all cryptic and sexy.”

“I wanna blow you.”

There it was. Fuck. It wasn’t that Dan didn’t appreciate every offer from Arin, he did. He wanted to accept every offer of a blowjob or handjob or straight up fucking, but he couldn’t let Arin know. Not yet. So Dan shook his head, “No thanks. But I’ll blow you.”

“Why not?”

Dan blinked, forcing the uneasiness down. “Why not what?”

“Why can’t I blow you? Is it ‘cause I have a beard? Is it ‘cause I’m a guy? What is it?” Arin wiped at his face. He didn’t want to cry over this. He didn’t, but it just felt like Dan was hiding something. Like he didn’t actually like Arin.

“No, Arin. Babe,” Dan pressed a kiss to Arin’s forehead. “It’s not you. I swear. It’s me. I got something to work out. But,” Dan gave another kiss, “I will tell you when things are good on my end.” Pulling Arin into a hug, he whispered, “I promise.”

“You promise that when things are good, I can give you a beej?”

Dan laughed, ignoring the twist in his stomach. “You can give me 10 beejs, if you want.”

Arin held him tight, tight enough that Dan would know Arin would wait forever. When they parted, Arin could have sworn he saw something flash across his face, something like fear. But he was not going to press anymore, terrified that Dan would recede into himself. So Arin cracked a joke, “So about that blowjob.”

Dan laughed, bumping his head against Arin’s chest. “If you really want,” Dan said, snaking his hand around to Arin’s chest, “I think,” and down his stomach, pausing at the waistband of his pants, “we have enough time.”

Three weeks. Three weeks since Dan made that promise with Arin. Three weeks since he started evaluating everything about himself and Arin and their relationship. Three weeks since he was given a choice, come out or end the best relationship he’s had in a long time. And only today had he finally figured out what he was going to do.

Dan waited until he had a clearing and knew that Arin was going to be in his office. Steeling himself, Dan gave a quiet knock on the door, more to inform Arin of his presence rather than to ask for permission. Arin jumped, but composed himself at Dan’s soft face. “Hey, Arin. Can, can we talk?”

Pushing his chair out to face the space, Arin gestured to close the door. “Is everything okay? Do you need time off or something?”

Dan ran a hand through his hair, not minding the knots his fingers get caught on. “I think everything is okay. Well,” Dan took a deep breath, “okay. I need to tell you something and I really hope it doesn’t change us.”

Something crawled around in Arin’s stomach. Ignoring it, Arin smiled. “I’m sure we’ll be fine. What did you wanna tell me?”

“You promise not to judge me?”

Arin stood, wrapping his hand around Dan’s biceps. “I would never judge you. Just know, you don’t have to tell me, if you’re not comfortable with it.”

Dan sighed, sagging against Arin. “I am comfortable with it, though. It’s who I am. And I wouldn’t change it for the world.” Burying his face in Arin’s neck, breathing in Arin, remembering him as if this was the last time he could hold him close, Dan hugged Arin. “Promise me things won’t change too much. I can’t lose you.”

Arin hugged Dan, hugged him with all his might. “You won’t lose me.”

“I’ve lost too many people before because of it.”

Arin pulled away, just enough to press a bruising kiss on Dan’s lips. They parted and Arin wiped a stray tear from Dan’s face. “I promise you won’t lose me.”

Dan gave one last squeeze before taking a step back. Sniffling, he took a shaky breath. He could do it. Brian hadn’t left. Why would Arin? “Okay. So you know people who, um, fuck.” Dan wiped his face. “You know those people that don’t, um, they, shit.”

Arin swore if he softened anymore he would actually melt. “It’s okay. Take your time and remember, you don’t have to tell me.”

“But I need to. I just,” Dan ran a hand through his hair, bunching it at the top of his head. “I’m just gonna say it and you can react however you like, okay?” Arin gave a slow nod, clearly hesitant. “I’m trans.” Dan broke into a grin. “I’m trans. I’m trans.” He started laughing, “I’m trans.”

“Danny?”

“I’m trans.” Dan said a final time, swaying on his feet. “This is crazy. You’re acting like it’s not a big deal.”

Arin blinked. “Being trans or not, it’s not a big deal one way or the other.”

Dan sat down on the couch and Arin took the other half. “How… how are you so chill about this?”

Arin shrugged, “It’s just a part of you. Just like I’m bi or whatever. It’s nothing that can change.”

Dan leaned forward, his forehead pressing against Arin’s. “Are we okay?”

Closing the space, Arin smiled, “We’re good. Wait.” Arin sat back. “Do I need to call you something else?”

“I’m still a guy. I’m still Dan. I’m still your boyfriend.”

Arin broke into a grin, “Well, good. Now I believe I was promised I could blow you 10 times.”

#egobang #shipgrumps #polygrumps #elisisland #bodacious-energizedprotodermis #pgss gift 2017 #Hopefully the warnings work for blacklisting but let me know if it should be tagged with anything

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transgenderlies · 7 years

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Countering transgender lies about Stonewall

Transgenders consistently lie about what happened at the Stonewall Inn in 1969. Their lie holds that the Stonewall riot was variously spurred by or chiefly carried out by transgenders, specifically “transwomen of colour” and even more specifically an “instigator” named Ray “Sylvia” Rivera. If you’d like all Stonewall-related transgender lies collected in one place, I would refer you to the so-called Transadvocate.

Of course this isn’t what happened. It was illegal to appear in public in the attire of the opposite sex in New York in 1969. You couldn’t just sashay down to the Stonewall of a Friday night for a watered-down drink served in a dirty glass, at least not without expecting hassles from cops. The Stonewall Inn was not an early Woody’s with weekly drag shows. The primary clientele was gay males, with some lesbians, and they were dressed like men and women, respectively, in most cases. Whatever “transgenders” frequented the Stonewall were actually drag queens, though that is a distinction without a difference here.

The facts are well established, except to lying transgenders. We have not merely the eyewitness accounts of gay men who were at the Stonewall that night (or the next two nights, or some combination), as in PBS’s Stonewall Uprising. We further have the direct statements from Sylvia Rivera herself, as recorded by recognized historians.

Eric Marcus, Making Gay History

Actually, it was the first time I had been to the friggin’ Stonewall. The Stonewall wasn’t a bar for drag queens. Everybody keeps saying it was. The drag queen spot was the Washington Square Bar, at Third St. and Broadway. This is where I get into arguments with people. They say, “Oh, no, it was a drag-queen bar, it was a black bar.” No. Washington Square Bar was the drag-queen bar.

If you were a drag queen, you could get into the Stonewall if they knew you. And only a certain number of drag queens were allowed into the Stonewall at that time. [...]

That first year after Stonewall, we were petitioning for a gay-rights bill for New York City, and I got arrested for petitioning on 42nd St. I was asking people to sign the petition.

I was dressed casually that day – makeup, hair, and whatnot. The cops came up to me and said, “You can’t do this.” I said, “My Constitution says that I can do anything that I want.” “No, you can’t do this. Either you leave or we’re going to arrest you.” I said, “Fine, arrest me.” They very nicely picked me up and threw me in a police car and took me to jail.

Martin Duberman, Stonewall

Washington Square was Sylvia’s special favo[u]rite. It opened at three in the morning and catered primarily (rather than incidentally as was the case with Stonewall) to transvestites[.] [...]

If she was going out at all... she would go to Washington Square. She had never been crazy about Stonewall, she reminded Tammy: Men in makeup were tolerated there, but not exactly cherished. [...]

If the raid went according to the usual pattern, the only people who would be arrested would be those without IDs, those dressed in the clothes of the opposite gender, and some or all of the employees. Everyone else would be let go with a few shoves and a few contemptuous words. The bar would soon reopen and they would all be back dancing. It was annoying to have one’s Friday night screwed up, but hardly unprecedented.

Note 39:

Section 887(7) of the New York State Criminal Code was the one traditionally invoked by the police against transvestites. The law was supposedly ignored on Halloween, though the police-department handbook specified that even then, someone dressed in costume had to be wearing a certain number of garments “appropriate” to their sex.

Note 40:

The eyewitness accounts in RAT (July 1969) specifically credits “one guy” (not a lesbian or a queen) for precipitating a scuffle by refusing to be put into the paddy wagon.... At least two people credit Sylvia herself with provoking the riot.... But I’ve found no corroboration for either account[,] and Sylvia herself, with a keener regard for the historical record, denies the accuracy of both versions. She does remember “throwing bricks and rocks and things” after the mêlée began, but takes no credit for initiating the confrontation.

David Carter, Stonewall: The Riots That Sparked the Gay Revolution

pp. 261–2:

The question of who gets credit for starting the riots is one that deserves consideration. The question, however, contains a premise: that an individual or group of individuals can be singled out as the prime mover in a complex process that many person s collectively created. This is important for two reasons. First, as John O’Brien pointed out, there was a continuum of resistance ranging from silent persons who ignored the police orders to move to those who threw objects at the police. O’Brien maintains that it was because of those person standing around and blocking the streets and sidewalks and keeping the police from being able to operate efficiently that he and others were able to engage in their tactics as effectively as they did: if there had been only about fifteen youths lobbing objects at the police the young men would have been quickly caught or chased away.

Second, I wrote the account of the first night to reflect my understanding of what happened, namely, that until the definitive outbreak of rioting when the police retreated inside the Stonewall Inn, there was throughout the evening both a gradual buildup of anger and, correspondingly, a gradual escalation in the release of that anger. In the course of that buildup there were numerous turning points, some more critical than others. With these qualifications noted, I think it is clear that special credit must be given to gay homeless youths, to transgendered men, and to the lesbian who fought the police.¹⁰

Footnote 10 from above:

Charles Kaiser suggested to the author that Stormé DeLarverie (see The Gay Metropolis: 1940–1996 [Boston: Houghton Mifflin, 1997], p. 198) was this woman, but she could not have been. To cite only a few of the problems with this thesis, DeLarverie’s story is one of escaping the police, not of being taken into custody by them, and she has claimed that on that night she was outside the bar, “quiet, I didn’t say a word to anybody, I was just trying to see what was happening,” when a policeman, without provocation, hit her in the eye (“Stonewall 1969: A Symposium,” June 20, 1997, New York City). DeLarverie is also an African-American woman, and all the witnesses interviewed by the author describe the woman as Caucasian.

And here’s what The Gay Metropolis actually says:

Several spectators agreed that it was the action of a cross-dressing lesbian – possibly Stormé DeLarverie – which would change everyone’s attitude forever. DeLarverie denied that she was the catalyst, but her own recollection matched others’ descriptions of the defining moment. “The cop hit me and I hit him back,” DeLarverie explained [in Kaiser’s own interview with her on 1995.12.09].

Continuing:

Among these, we can name three individuals known to have been in the vanguard: Jackie Hormona, Marsha Johnson, and Zazu Nova.

A common theme links those who resisted first and fought the hardest, and that is gender transgression. While we do not know how the lesbian who fought the police saw herself, we do know that her clothing was masculine, in keeping with her general demeano[u]r. We know from Pine’s testimony that the first significant resistance that he encountered inside the bar came from transvestites, and Joel S. places them among the first outside the bar to resist. Marsha Johnson and Zazu Nova were both transvestites, and, as the reader has seen, the street youth were, generally speaking, effeminate men. All available evidence leads us to conclude that the Stonewall Riots were instigated and led by the most despised and marginal elements of the lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgendered community. My research for this history demonstrates that if we wish to name the group most responsible for the success of the riots, it is the young, homeless homosexuals, and, contrary to the usual characterizations of those on the rebellion’s front lines, most were Caucasian; few were Latino; almost none were transvestites or transsexuals; most were effeminate; and a fair number came from middle-class families.

Footnote 11 from that same chapter:

It is remarkable – and no doubt inevitable given human psychology – that in the popular imagination the number of transvestites at the riots is always exaggerated. Readers will note that in the [Fred] McDarrah photos of the riots there is one transgendered person[,] and none of the persons I interviewed, some of whom knew her, ever saw her actively involved in the riots. (Note that the McDarrah photographs, which do feature the street youths, were taken late on Saturday night during one of the lulls in rioting, when nothing in particular was happening....) The Ambrosini photo does not show a single transvestite. Craig Rodwell told researcher Michael Scherker that “one of the myths about Stonewall is it was all drag queens. I mean, drag queens are part of what went on. Certainly one of the most courageous, but there were maybe twelve drag queens. In thousands of people.”

Transgenders lie about Stonewall in part because they are fundamentally dishonest (about themselves and about human anatomy, to give two examples), but they do it here to establish primacy over the legitimately constituted lesbian and gay community. The way they tell it, we owe them because they bravely instigated the Stonewall Riots that led to actual gay and lesbian liberation. (Even that last part isn’t true just in the U.S. context, as veterans of the Mattachine Society and the Daughters of Bilitis will attest.) As far as they’re concerned, transgender is the supercategory and we gays and lesbians are mere variations of trans. And Stonewall proves it.

Well, all of that is untrue, honey, and nobody’s buying what you’re selling, literally or figuratively.

(Original post)

#Gay #Stonewall #TransgenderLies #Transgender #StonewallRebellion #StonewallUprising #Trans

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mermaidsirennikita · 6 years

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Valentine’s Day Reads

Happy Valentine’s Day! As I often gripe about badly done romance on this blog, I thought I’d list a few books that actually do it well. Some are classics; some are decidedly not. But I love the love stories in all of them. I tried to cover my bases, and while I won’t say that all of these are all-time favorites for me, they do stick out in my head for their romantic plotlines and the chemistry between the leads. Hopefully, something here will appeal to you.

Gone with the Wind by Margaret Mitchell. Scarlett is a spoiled, vivacious southern belle on the eve of the Civil War. She wants Ashley, a gentleman whose romanticism and genteel nature embody the antebellum era they’ve grown up; he’s the one man she can’t have, engaged to his sweet, kindhearted cousin Melanie. As the war begins and becomes increasingly brutal, Scarlett must grow up and become a survivor, pining for Ashley while engaging in a game of wits and and emotion with Rhett, a man whose cynical and opportunist nature makes him a pariah in the south--but perhaps might also make him Scarlett’s true match. The love/hate narrative is really defined by GWTW, which is less a tragedy than it is a coming of age story. Scarlett and Rhett’s chemistry and rightness for each other is undeniable, but held back by the fact that she can’t recognize her own true feelings, committed to an idea rather than reality, and he is too protective of his own feelings to admit that he loves her. GWTW is one of the few “classics” out there that is truly and compulsively readable, and it suggests a lot of Deep Things while at the same time entertaining you with a frustrating, gorgeous romance.

Cinder by Marissa Meyer. Cinder is a cyborg, shunned by society and neglected by her stepmother and stepsister--despite her status as a gifted mechanic. When the stepsister she loves grows fatally ill, she catches the blame, putting her in a precarious position. At the same time, however, she finds herself as the mechanic of none other than Prince Kai, heir to the throne of the Eastern Commonwealth. As Cinder becomes more entwined in political intrigue through Kai, she must also fight her feelings for him, and her lack of self-worth. It’s hard to explain this series without spoiling a lot--and while The Lunar Chronicles is one of my favorites series, I’ll admit that Cinder--though the first book--isn’t my favorite (that honor goes to Scarlet, the second book in the series). But Cinder and Kai have a fantastic, sweet romance that of course draws from Cinderella, as every book in the series draws from a different fairy tale. Yes, there is a lot of sci-fi going on in The Lunar Chronicles, and various space politics, but ultimately, each novel is a love story, and the couples you meet in one book return in the next. (Except for Fairest, the excellent villain origin story prequel, which is an obsession story.) Highly recommend if you’re on the lookout for some fun, romantic YA with a sci-fi spin.

Beauty by Robin McKinley. The awkward Beauty doesn’t much feel like she deserves her nickname, especially when she pales in comparison to her gorgeous sisters. But when her father returns from the castle of a mysterious beats, she rises to the occasion, offering to be the beasts’s prisoner in his place--and determined that she can tame it. Obviously, this is a Beauty and the Beast retelling--but it’s a definitive one. This a slow-burn romance, and the book is as much about Beauty learning to love herself as the beast. But that doesn’t mean that there aren’t some excellent moments between the two of them. When you’re looking for something with a bit less heat and a bit more gentle romance, check this out.

When the Moon Was Ours by Anna-Marie McLemore. Miel and Sam are childhood friends, having weathered prejudice--Miel is an immigrant, and Sam is a trans man--together, as well as the strange roses that grow out of Miel’s skin and the attention that attracts. But just after their relationship crosses a line--going from pining to physical--confusing the two of them, the Bonner sisters return to town. Rumored to be witches, they want Miel’s roses, and will do whatever it takes to get them. McLemore is really, really good at magical realism. And there’s a lot of that in this book. But the central story here is Miel and Sam’s relationship, their pasts, and how they’re struggling to come to terms with who they are. The story is both romantic and erotic, and perhaps part of why it feels so incredibly real is that parts of it reflect McLemore’s own life. Whether or not that’s true, however, is irrelevant--it’s impossible to not love her dreamy prose and the intensity of Miel and Sam’s feelings for each other.

Wintersong by S. Jae-Jones. Liesl is underappreciated and in many ways repressed, taking on a lot of responsibility at the family inn. Her sister Kathe is the beautiful one, and her brother Josef, a gifted musician, is the talented one--regardless of the fact that Liesl herself is a driven composer. Ever since they were children, the siblings have been preoccupied with the Goblin King, but though he inspires her music, Liesl has dismissed him as a childhood fancy. Until, that is, Kathe is taken by goblins--and the Goblin King needs a bride. To save her sister, Liesl takes her place as the Goblin Queen. While initially repulsed by the Underground, she becomes enthralled by her new husband’s world, and their shared passion for music. Wintersong is well-written and thoroughly addictive, laced with a kind of erotic intoxication. You fall for the Goblin King as Liesl does; you fall for his world as she does. It’s morally ambiguous and dark and strange, and quite perfect for those who never got over David Bowie in Labyrinth.

A Knight in Shining Armor by Jude Deveraux. Jilted by her self-obsessed boyfriend and left penniless, Dougless asks for a knight in shining armor and gets one--in the form of Nicholas, a medieval knight sent forward in time. Dougless is initially disbelieving, but as she and Nicholas learn about his real legacy--which falls short of what he expected--they gradually fall in love. However, their relationship is cut short by his sudden disappearance, sending Dougless back in time to find him. This is a classic 80s romance novel, and therefore I had to include it. It’s silly; it’s problematic; it has quite a few sex scenes, some of which may or may not involve ice cream. But there’s a kind of purity to its cheese and silliness that is lighthearted and unique to the era.

The Girl in 6E by A.R. Torre. Deanna Madden wants to kill people. So, she stays in her apartment all day, making a living as a cam girl. As a result, she has to have a lot of things delivered to her--prompting the interest of the delivery guy, who just wants to get to know this woman he’s never even seen. Too bad Deanna wants to murder him. Basically, this is an erotic novel; there are a lot a lot a lot of explicit sex scenes, and a few different men who may or may not have a romantic interest in Deanna beyond her body (and if the series continues beyond the three books it’s already had, I wouldn’t be shocked if the author expands upon that). But there’s something sweet about a guy and a girl who really don’t know each other being genuinely intrigued by one another--and the fact that the relationship’s main obstacle is Deanna’s own desire to kill makes it all the more interesting.

The Hating Game by Sally Thorn. Lucy and Josh are work rivals at their publishing company--though “rivals” may be putting it lightly. They loathe each other, regularly taunting one another throughout the day while competing. That competition gets ramped up a notch by a promised promotion that only one of them can get. But as they each struggle for the job, Lucy and Josh begin to realize that the tension between them may not just be professional. The Hating Game is a rom com, but like... a sexy one. There are plenty of UST-filled moments throughout the book. And the great thing is that Josh isn’t an asshole, like most men in these sorts of books are. He doesn’t want to ruin Lucy’s life; he actually seems into her, not into dominating her. If you want something light and lovely and hot, go for The Hating Game.

Wuthering Heights by Emily Bronte. Heathcliff is an orphan, brought to Wuthering Heights by Mr. Earnshaw and raised as a “lesser than” sort of foster child alongside Earnshaw’s children, the abusive Hindley and spirited Cathy. Equally wild, Heathcliff and Cathy become childhood best friends, and their feelings gradually deepen into intense romantic love as they grow up. But Heathcliff is socially unsuitable for the upper-class Cathy, and when she agrees to marry her shy neighbor Linton--while vowing to love Heathcliff forever, out of his earshot--he runs away. When he returns, Heathcliff is wealthy and bent on revenge; but the feelings between himself and Cathy remain, leading two families and multiple generations into ruin. I feel like a lot of people are immediately put off by WH because it’s not told from Heathcliff and Cathy’s perspectives, exactly. In fact, the story is told long after their children have grown up, by Nelly, a housekeeper who observed much of the story’s events, to Lockwood, a visitor to Wuthering Heights. It’s also a really twisted love story--as much of a hate story as anything else. Heathcliff and Cathy resent and adore each other in equal measure. They thwart their own happiness over and over, and both are beasts to those that love them. But this novel is so significant precisely because it shows that two hideous people can love each other--and it conveys a haunting sort of passion that seems almost out of place in a novel of its time. The strain of morality running through Jane Eyre--tempering its subversive plot--isn’t present in Wuthering Heights. Even when the cycle of abuse that consumed Heathcliff and Cathy finally is broken, the people that do so are hardly angels. It’s a sad, angering, obsessive story. But at its core, this is a book about love--and the things both terrible and great that it drives people to.

Shiver by Maggie Stiefvater. As a little girl, Grace was attacked by wolves--and since then has been somewhat obsessed with the yellow-eyed wolf in the woods behind her house. Sam is a wolf in the winter and a boy in the summer, his transformation completely involuntary and based on the temperature. This time, when the weather warms, he finally meets Grace, and they begin a tentative relationship--but if Sam can’t figure out how to stop himself from changing, he runs the risk of becoming a wolf forever, and losing not just Grace but himself. Maggie Stiefvater has become increasingly famous for her Raven Boys series, and don’t get me wrong, I love that series. But I love The Wolves of Mercy Falls more, and not just because it was the first book of hers that I ever read. There’s a lovely approachable, understanding tone to Shiver--her writing is still beautiful and lyrical, but the simplicity of Grace and Sam’s love story set against the backdrop of a complicated, fraught situation is impossible to resist. As the series continues, another very good, contrasting romance is added in--but I can’t really get over how incredibly soft Sam and Grace are, and how much this series feels like young love to me.

#books #book recs

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