#why do I feel this so deeply

[tea-cat-arts]

Shen Yuan getting transported into pidw isn't "the system punishing him for being a lazy internet hater," but instead representative of "step 1 of the creative process: getting so mad at something you decide to go write your own fucking book" in this essay I will

#svsss #scum villian self saving system #shen qingqiu #shen yuan #the fact that people think scum villain #-a series that examines and criticizes common tropes in fiction- #is somehow against criticism or being a little hater is wild to me #especially since shen qingqiu never gets punished for being a hater #heck- he's still a little hater by the end of the series #he mostly gets punished for treating life like a play and like he and the people around him are characters #(or in other words- he suffers for denying his own wants and emotions and his own sense of empathy) #I think some of y'all underestimate how much writing/art is inspired by creaters being little haters #like example off the top of my head- #the author of Iron Widow has been pretty vocal about the book being inspired by their hatred of Darling in the Franxx #I think my interpretation of Shen Yuan's transmigration is also supported by the fact that this series is an examines writing processes #side note- though i understand why people say Shen Yuan is lazy and think its a valid take it still doesnt sit right with me #i am probably biased because my own experiences with chronic pain and depression and isolation #but ya- i dont think Shen Yuan is lazy so much as he is deeply lonely and feels purposeless after denying parts of himself for 20ish years #like yall remember the online fandom boom from covid right? #being stuck completely alone in bed while feeling like shit for 20 days straight does shit to your brain #the fact that no one came to check on him + he wasn't exactly upset about leaving anyone behind supports the isolation interpretation too #+in the skinner demon arc he describes his life of being a faker/inability to stop being a faker now that he's Shen Qingqiu #as “so bland he's tempted to throw salt on himself” and “all he could do is lay around and wait for death” (<-paraphrasing) #bro wants to be doing stuff but is stuck in paralysis from repeatedly following scrips made by other people #another point on “Shen Yuan isn’t lazy” is just the sheer amount of studying that man does #also he did graduate college- how lazy can he really be #he doesnt know what hes doing but he at least tries to actively train his students #and he actually works on improving his own cultivation + spends quite a bit of time preping the mushroom body thing #+he's experiencing bouts of debilitating chronic pain throughout all this #but ya tldr: Shen Yuan's transmigration is an encouragement to write and not a punishment and also i dont think its fair to call him lazy

[sparrowmoth]

Thinking about Jesper and Nina as the last of the Crows. Thinking about Wylan, when he dies, and Inej and Kaz have gone already, and Jesper can't contain his grief. He throws himself at Nina, because she has power over the dead, doesn't she? That isn't how it works. But he isn't listening. He begs and pleads for her to bring Wylan back, to try at least—but she won't. She won't, no matter if he hates her for it, because all she can think of is the sight of Matthias and how wrong it was. How wrong to have tried to hold him back, to hold him to her.

She holds Jesper through the night as he sobs into her shoulder. She holds him tight even as he curses her. The both of them know he doesn't really mean it. They only have each other now...

But it isn't only them there.

Someone else is in the room, unseen, and he whispers into Nina's ear. Not her ear, exactly. More so her mind, but he sounds so present if she just closes her eyes. She wishes she could share this through more than translation, so Jesper would be sure... he's okay, he's okay.

He's somewhere else, but he's okay. And he loves you so much, Jes.

Her eyes are full of tears. She keeps them closed as not to let them fall. She whispers Wylan's words to Jesper. She feels him stilling in her arms and keeps on whispering until the words stop and she can't sense him anymore. He had to go, but he'll be waiting. He had to go, but you have time left. Don't rush to him. You'll have forever. It's just for now, so just be patient... you'll have forever. He'll be there waiting.

#wesper #jesper fahey #nina zenik #wylan van eck #six of crows #crooked kingdom #shadow and bone #cw death #soc spoilers #ck spoilers #how do I even tag this #it kinda turned into a drabble so #my drabbles #NO I'M NOT OKAY THANKS FOR ASKING DJKGDJKGD #THIS STRUCK ME LIKE A BOLT OF LIGHTNING #and I am not emotionally stable enough to write this as a fic #so you get it as a feverishly written up post that made me cry #because why did I get so deeply unfixably soul-level kinds of attached to the most tragic found family ever send help #I'm going to go lay in a ditch with my feelings GOOD BYE djakgkj

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

I have the smallest crumb of a theory. But what if howdy is mean to Latter because he’s self-conscious of being the only caterpillar (and repressed) and takes it out on his brother as a consequence. Because social expectations at the time gave him an excuse to do so?

no. ok. hoo boy. Allow Me To Be Insane Over The Most Prominent Thought I've Had Since Seeing The Update (about howdy)

i will try to be as eloquent and articulate as possible. ahem:

THAT FRUITY ASS CATERPILLAR IS REPRESSED AS FUCK, ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? DID YOU SEE THAT SHIT?? MY GOD. HOMEBOY HAS ISSUES STACKED ON ISSUES. GET HIM SOME THERAPY.

ok. ok ok ok. Now allow me to be articulate and eloquent

so obviously Howdy is almost certainly queer in the men-loving flavor. if i'm wrong about this my confidence will never recover. But I'm Willing To Take That Chance. so he's definitely queer, right? his.. well his everything points to it, but the final nail in the coffin are his rainbow suspenders from the group Homewarming artwork from Eddie's prolonged breakdown.

but this update i think showed us deeper into that part of him. and i take the shipping goggles off for genuine analysis, so when i say this i believe that there is Serious Evidence and seems Genuinely Plausible - if Howdy doesn't have feelings for Barnaby, i'll eat my cat.

the above is important to say because it Directly ties in to how Howdy treats Latter AND Eddie.

so. Howdy is likely gay or bi, what have you. i'm guessing gay. he obviously has feelings for Barnaby. SO WHAT I'M SAYING IS that i don't think Howdy treats Latter the way he does because of the caterpillar thing, I think Howdy treats Latter the way he does because Latter is genuine and Howdy is not.

what does this have to do with Eddie? well. look at Latter and Eddie in relation to each other. they're both... how do i say... Open. and not - not effeminate, but yes, for lack of of a better word, effeminate. just enough to make one go "huh." and Howdy treats them the same way - dismissive, apathetic, one could even say avoidant.

i wouldn't be shocked if Howdy picked up on their queerness (and if Latter isn't queer, his comfort with himself / his behavior & interests) and is on the defensive about it - likely subconsciously.

and with Latter specifically. Howdy could have also picked up on the way his other family members treat him if they're all also dismissive - as Seeya seems to be as well. i mean, it fits right in line with the time period! homophobia - internalized in Howdy's case (again, most likely). the blatant favoritism, the dismissive nature, it all adds up. even if no one outright knows, that subconscious recognition (or outright suspicion!) will do this

i mean, Latter makes me think of two things. 1) being the only queer kid in a family (especially large). 2) being a middle child. there was a third but i forgor. it felt important! it's gone now! anyway it's also Super telling comparing how Howdy treats Latter (emotional, earnest, open) to how he treats Beeya (oozing stereotypical masculinity)

tl;dr so i don't think it's really "expectations giving Howdy an excuse" as it is "subconscious / internalized homophobia causes Howdy to act the way he does"

as always, take all this with a Hefty grain of salt!

#i really dont think it's conscious behavior! not at the source anyway! #howdy Has to be soooooo so so deep in denial. he's gotta have five layers of repression there's no other explanation #howdy 'ill keep all of my feelings right here and then one day ill die' pillar #homebogging #wh speculation #welcome home speculation #it Would be the funniest outcome #if he really is like. deeply in love with barn but doesn't even realize it himself despite like. how goddamn obvious it is #ALL THE SIGNS POINT TO HIM BEING REPRESSED AND INTERNALIZED TO HIGH HELL AND BACK. #and being a caterpillar is like. symbolic to being open and accepting of yourself #< now im probably reaching However. The Symbolism Is There. intentionally or no #hence why barn is a caterpillar while everyone else is a butterfly #(hiya is on thin ice since her ref shows her as a caterpillar but the hullabaloo record art gives her wings) #latter is true to himself and open / out : butterfly #howdy is so deep in the closet that he's fighting wars for a lion : caterpillar #anyway so howdy. why do latter and eddie make you so defensive howdy #hm. hm. hm. #OH! AND WE HAVEN'T EVEN SEEN HOW HE ACTS AROUND FRANK YET! ohhhh that would be fascinating... #just One direct interaction between them could be So telling

[blujayonthewing]

#I've played with irl atheists and catholics and everything in between #but it rarely feels like faith is a real factor for anyone-- DM or player #outside of‚ again‚ divine spellcasters and Big Epic Plot Things #I mean there are a couple of 'RAAAHGH FUCK THE GODS >:C' edgy backstory types but #no one is just Normally Culturally Religious and it's WEIRD #like it's not even a matter of faith in dnd! the gods are LITERALLY OBJECTIVELY PROVABLY REAL #so what does that MEAN for the average person! how does it shape language? business? culture? #where are the people wearing holy symbols like amulets-- or the way modern christians very casually wear crosses? #blessings over meals? prayers before bed? burnt offerings? #and like I enjoy thinking about world and culture building but I know that's A Whole Thing but even just like... #it doesn't feel like anyone believes in gods at all except clerics and paladins #like they DO because they factually exist but in the same way I 'believe in' like. the president of france. #like yeah he exists and is important to some people but has no bearing on my life whatsoever #that's such a fucking weird approach to the DIVINE in a polytheist world where those gods are YOUR CULTURE'S GODS?? #I am bad at this myself but I'm not religious so it's harder for me to remember what Being Religious All The Time Casually is like lol #funny enough my character with the most intentionally religious background in this sense #is one of my ones who's ended up wrapped up in Big Plot God Things lmao #'aubree starts the campaign with a holy symbol of yondalla because of course she does why wouldn't she' #'oh okay well she's gonna get deeply and personally entangled with a bunch of death gods immediately' fdkjghkdf oh!! welp #you don't really pray to urogalan unless you're breaking ground for a new building or someone just died so it's STILL weird for her lol #but at least I had the framework there of 'oh yeah the gods exist and matter to me and my everyday life and culture' in general #about me #posts from twitter

[4sh-n4]

Bruce Wayne, who can't cook to save his life but can bake better than even Alfred. The catch? He can only do it in the night after being awoken by nightmares. No one knows about his extraordinary skills other than Alfred and Dick, because everyone assumes that the baked goods in the kitchen are made by Alfred. Dick knows because when he was younger and couldn't sleep because of nightmares, he used to join Bruce in the kitchen and watch him work.

Dick Grayson, who is an absolute disaster in the kitchen because he keeps getting distracted, but give him a microwave and a dream and he'll prepare a solid three course meal that actually tastes decent. He's also an excellent cocktail maker, which is funny since he prefers to have his alcohol straight without any mixers (he still puts the little umbrellas in his glass though, don't be mistaken)

Jason Todd, who is an ACE in the kitchen because he refused to ever be helpless with food again after getting off the streets. He was going to eat, and he was going to eat WELL. Especially since he finally had the resources to be able to actually experiment with what he likes and what he can do with different foods, instead of just what's cheapest or most easily found. The one thing he can't do? Crack an egg with only his hands without getting any of the eggshell pieces in the food. He needs to use one of those little egg cracking tools. The thing that pissed him off the most about this is that the one thing Dick can do brilliantly in the kitchen, is crack eggs with one (1!!!) hand only.

Tim Drake, who is definitely not michelin star level, but has learnt to sustain himself with instant meals and those little ramen packets. He somehow always makes them taste good though, adding toppings and making sure they are some form of nourishing, even if that just means adding a fried egg on top and calling it a day.

Cass Cain, who has no culinary abilities and does not want them either. Her skills in the kitchen start and end with making sandwiches. But whenever she goes out to eat, she always goes to a chinese restaurant and gets something that she hasn't tried before, because she was never introduced to any foods of her culture and wants to taste them all now. Oh, and she can do super complicated tricks with the knives, her and Dick have constant competitions about who can do the coolest thing.

Steph Brown, who lives off of takeaway for most meals, but can make better breakfast foods than most people in the house. Waffles, pancakes, bacon, eggs, toast, you name it and she can make it. Only if it is traditionally eaten before noon though. She also worked as a barista part time for a while, so she knows all the fancy coffee recipes.

Damian Al Ghul Wayne, who doesn't care to cook other cuisines, but taught himself how to make almost every middle eastern and south asian dish he could get his hands on, because it helped him feel closer to his home and his mother when he first moved in with his father. His fondest memories of his mother and of her feeding him his cultural foods and telling him about their origins. It was the only time they did not speak of work, or his training, but instead about what his father was like as a person, about the things his mother has seen on her travels over the years, about his maternal grandmother, about his interest in animals.

Duke Thomas, who can cook enough for a 15 year old but doesn't touch the kitchen of Wayne manor very often, not unless he's just sitting on the counter watching others or helping minorly. His memories are still fresh enough to bleed when touched and all his memories of him cooking in the kitchen have his parents happily dancing in the background on Sundays with loud music blaring through the walls as they teach him how to chop onions without crying or knead dough.

Alfred Pennyworth, who only had the most basic culinary skills when he began working for the Waynes, enough to keep him alive when he was in the military, but was forced to learn how to cook when he was unexpectedly given custody of an 8 year old. He can cook better than most professional chefs in the world now, but he still hoards Thomas Wayne's old cookbooks like they're the only tangible part left of the man who once filled the halls of the manor, even though he knows that's not true. He'll pass them down to his grandchildren one day...just not today. Today, they're still his.

#bruce wayne #dc #dc comics #dick grayson #tim drake #jason todd #batfam #batfamily #alfred pennyworth #stephanie brown #duke thomas #damian wayne #cassandra cain #i think that the relationship people have with food is so beautiful #because food holds memories and culture and ancestory and community and distraction and joy and new experiences and so much more #and then for some food holds so much pain and hurt and insecurity #its different for each person and its so interesting to me that such a universal thing can be so deeply personal #but this post isnt about relationship with food its abkut relationship with making food with cooking #and really for a few of them it isnt even about that because its just about their skills not their memories #i might need to follow this up with a more in depth relationship about cooking and why they have the skills they do #and maybe one about only how they feel about food in general #but let me know if thats something anyone would want to read!! #4sh-n4

[mixelation]

in async does tori get weird about baby obito. zygote who could have been her weird bestie but by her own hand is unmade

yes, absolutely. unless i decide the AU is more fun if the minato corruption arc means he never gets a genin team? but if obito is around she will struggle to be Normal around him

tori: i cannot have beef with a twelve year old. i cannot have beef with a twelve year old. i cannot have beef with a twelve year old.

obito: (breathes)

tori: (has to leave immediately) I CANNOT HAVE BEEF WITH A TWELVE YEAR OLD

#i DEEPLY dislike when adults have a snape-like grudge against actual children #so i think tori's weirdness around obito would be a lot of her just. fleeing. at random #bc her feelings about obito are very complex! her bestie but also her captor. #her beloved fake husband she would murder in a heart beat #why is he twelve? #what is she supposed to do with this??? #she can be totally normal and joke around with him sme days but others she needs to LEAVE #asynchronicity

[lunarharp]

figured i'd do this again..bit early i guess..

#to cheer me up.. i feel bad atm.. these things don't even make me feel very good tho bc i'm such a narrative/sketch-based artist.. #but Proper Beautiful Finished Pieces are what grab attention and look good at the end of the year all neatly lined up lol..... #so looking at a “yearly review” where i can only choose 'the best image of the month' (??) is like...What have i even been doing... #i did a month by month look back on twt for myself instead..but even that doesn't express the quantity of comic-based stuff.. #that i do put a lot of time/heart into..but alas i feel bad bringing even them back..RTing/reblogging my own art simply feels bad lol.. #AND WHY IS IT ALL B&W...trying to accept that i LIKE doing that and sketching and scribbling..not like i'm trying to like..Get Artist Job.. #this year was so profoundly lonely at times bc i spent all my time drawing instead of socialising and trying to find friends.... #please please please have achieved more of your dreams in the future so you can look back at 2023 and think.. #It was good that happened so that it got me further to the future. Or whatever i guess..................... #regardless i did have a great amount of fun drawing and improving this year and dwelling deeply & heavily on witch hat atelier. #art-wise and emotionally....march july & september were the best months i think..AUGUST WAS SO WEIRD SUMMER IS SO EVIL ALWAYS. #thank you very much if you are reading this for enjoying & leaving nice tags & such like <3 i've realised how fulfilling that is to receive #really keeps me posting stuff here instead of keeping it all to myself in my head #i wish everyone in this world could have a safe and happy end of year. i wish living in this world were easier

[silverskye13]

Man why is writing so hard today? I literally sat down at my computer and typed for a solid hour and a half and it was utter garbage. But the more I looked at it the less I could figure out how to fix it! So I pulled up PS and decided to draw instead but every image just flew out of my head I couldn't do it and really I should be writing and man my eyes hurt. My whole face hurts kinda, actually, but my eyes really hurt and it's so hard to focus and it shouldn't be this hard and-- Jesus Christ it's 1am and I only got 3 hours of sleep last night.

#spazzcat barks #delete later #one of the silliest things about being Too Tired is your brain gets so confused you forget youre tired #and just end up being confused about why youre confused instead #why is life so hard why are my emotions eratic why do i feel like i deeply Need something that isnt food or water why do i long for #companionship but find talking deeply bothersome like im pulling from a dry well why do my eyes teeth face hurt why is moving hard why is #the very idea of doing literally anything so exhausting is this depression am i depressed have i lost joy in life what if my friends hate me #what if im worthless what if ive suddenly lost the ability to live a full and healthy life why are me emotions so eratic right now why-- #-- oh shit i need sleep #huh #how did i manage to forget that? #anyway im going to bed now lol #sometimes the Big Existential Questions have an easy answer and that easy answer is bedtime

[quinn-pop]

another halloween thing, consider it the cringe day wednesday special

#happy cringe day wednesday #metadede #i know most of my cringe day wednesdays are for them but it makes me feel so much better abt it #meta has his penguin costume because it was just lying around idk and dedede is tom nook lol #honestly i couldn’t think of anything for Kirby or bandee so i just stuck with bluey #also ribbon is dressed as mariposa from barbie or something idk I haven’t watched that one in years #kirbyposting #my art or something #meta knight #king dedede #kirby #ribbon kirby #bandee #quinn does comics #am I still getting fluff out of my system or something? genuinely i don’t know why i drew this #cute though #i feel like ive been doing so many things i really want to think deeply abt and do justice so to do something like this #just a little bit plain and silly and not innovative or anything #and i dont mean that in a pat my own back way i mean that in a ‘quinn pls not everything has to be deeper’ way #idk it feels nice doing that #do you think meta surprise kissed him in an attempt to do a sharing kiss? i didnt think abt this until a little bit ago and i won’t say #that it’s the case but it’s kinda funny to me lol

[suddencolds]

~

#delete later #another journal entry 📝 for the void #i have not been sleeping well for the past 2 wks 😵‍💫 i always wake up like clockwork after 5-6 hrs which feels like not nearly enough #i feel like i've done everything there is to do (consistent exercise + consistent sleep times + earplugs + weighted blanket + no caffeine) #last night i took melatonin too but no... same problem staying asleep 😭 #ahh whatever. i'm just frustrated that it has to be this way :( #anyways in an act of spite i reread like the 4 wips that have been sitting in my drafts from the past few weeks #i think something that will never cease to surprise me about writing is that more effort/time doesn't necessarily translate to better #results; i suppose that's the case with all kinds of art but #it does feel somewhat unintuitive. one of my fav professors in uni said to not dismiss those 'lightning in a bottle' moments (in art) as #blind luck... but to instead analyze the circumstances and iterate on recreating them. and i think one of my artist friends who i deeply #respect said something similar (wrt artistic rituals/setup). i have too many thoughts on writing and on my own creative processes and #weaknesses to fit into any number of tags here. :') that said... #*shakes ch2 draft* after everything i did and all the hours i spent WHY are you still so bad?!!! D: i am baffled and frustrated. #and why do i prefer this other [redacted] draft which i hammered out with utterly no regard towards the quality?? #anyways. back to the drawing board i guess T.T

[dreadeves]

hm. yknow, if riz was to be in a relationship it’d have to be a poly one, because a monogamous one would be doing the pairing-off-esque thing that he deeply doesn’t want to happen. if you presume he has a ‘favorite friend’ you’re falling into the same trap he is by presuming that some friends mean more (and he presumes there is always the least favorite friend). it feels like this kind of relationship hierarchy is what he doesn’t like, because he feels like he’s always going to be the odd one out and the one that everyone’s leaving

#like idk i don’t think riz coming out would kill baron. bc it doesn’t solve the underlying issue. and tbh. you can’t. so idk what’ll happen #a poly relationship wouldn’t like work out necessarily bc he’d still have the everyone leaving me fear bc it’s an internal fear #but at least in a poly relationship u don’t necessarily have the same ‘this is my *special friend*’ relationship hierarchy kinda narrative #that most monogamous relationships (whether romantic or qpr or whatever) do #riz gukgak #riz fantasy high #fantasy high #like… why are some of their friendships seen as ‘more important’ despite evidence that they all care deeply for each other #it feels odd to rank them and also antithetical to what it feels the point of this narrative is #they became friends like at the same time. they’ve been friends since. sure some may hang out more but why do u think some *matter* more? #*a poly relationship would instantly have its own problems. but riz in a poly qpr makes so much more sense than riz in a monogamous qpr.

[baejax-the-great]

The outside validation you get on your creative endeavors from friends and online strangers will never be as satisfying or inspiring as having a deep and personal love for your own work and the process of making it.

At the same time, sharing that beloved work with the world and receiving no interaction or connection with your fellow humans will make you the loneliest motherfucker in the world.

#its been said by many #and i will continue coming up with new ways to say it #because i believe wholeheartedly in creating for yourself first and foremost #but it is deeply human to want to share #and it is deeply human to feel snubbed when nobody so much as glances at your offering #and it is also human to have a range of tolerance for how much attention/connection you need to not be discouraged af #aaaaaand it is human to get too hung up on the outside validation and forget why you started creating in the first place #on writing #things I am doing instead of writing

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

writing hospital scenes my beloved...

#i dont know why i enjoy it so much but i do! i really do! #hospitals are such miserable sterile places and i deeply hated the few times ive been in them #and! yet! It's Writing Candy to me! #maybe its because i dislike them. i enjoy inflicting my own miseries on favorite characters #yes! walk through those too-white hallways where its always too bright and everything looks the same and restrictive!!! #uncomfortable seats and nothing to do! feeling deeply out of place the whole time! it smells Not Great! #absolutely unprompted #all this to say i am having Fun with the human au tonight-

[piningprecussionist]

hi kim :3c fucking BOOPS you with my paws

What the- hey!

*Kim scrambles around for something in her desk drawers for a minute, before spinning back around.*

You better have braced yourself... Get booped right back, idiot!

(ooc)

She's booping you back with something similar to one of these:

#ooc: the rp part of this was still. a struggle. deeply depressing... but i did the doodle i felt compelled to Try. before they remove the + #+feature tomorrow 😔 #ooc: i actually do have a cat paw pointer somewhere- i just dont know where currently. so that's the one she's using #ooc: it's a tuxedo cat paw with little pink beans and no claws #ooc: it also doesnt have the tiny bit of flair to the bottom of it that the image i found has- i dont think so anyway #asks #voltfruits #pine.txt #rp #kim pine #sp comic #spvtwtg #spto #spvtw #art #fanart #scott pilgrim takes off #spto kim #scott pilgrim kim #spvtw kim #not really but enough for me to feel like throwing it there: #meme #not in standard continuity #ooc: idk why i was able to whip this out while i am still struggling w the other responses i need to do btw. couldnt tell you #(ooc: i was working on those again [technically] yesterday btw- slowly but surely... hhh) #ah other tags it should have actually: #spto fanart #scott pilgrim fanart #spvtw fanart

[godsfavoritescientist]

Biting the bars of my enclosure about autistic ford tonight. There's something about him using vocabulary and turns of phrase that seem "outdated" or "pretentious" that feels so painfully genuine to me. When people say he talks like that just to "try to sound smart" I wish I could explain what it's like to be so ostracized from your peers growing up that you spend all your time reading instead, to the point where you pick up your way of speaking from books instead of from people. And then what it's like for people to call you out for "talking weird" over and over again, not able to wrap their heads around why the fuck you would choose more archaic or technical or formal words than the simpler ones that surely come to everyone's minds first. What it's like to have to dedicate a sizable chunk of attention to filtering through every single word you say out loud in real time before you say it, to make absolutely sure that it isn't a word people will judge you for using or make fun of you for using, just so you'll have a chance of being taken seriously. Learning through trial and error how to filter out the words that other people don't think are normal or casual enough for the conversation, even though for you, the word choice that's "natural-sounding" enough for them is the third or fourth word you came up with when searching for the right way to phrase something in your head. I wish I could explain just how long it takes to say fucking anything after spending a lifetime doing that during every single conversation, and how repetitive and long-winded you end up being when you spend so long coming up with alternative ways of saying every little thing you ever think. And I wish people realized that, at the very least for autistic people and autistic-coded characters, speech that's seen as pretentious is really just the way they talk when they're not putting in the extra effort to filter through every word they say just so others will take the time to listen.

#ford meta #actuallyautistic #everyone go read the wikipedia page for 'stilted speech' right now #long post #ford isnt very good at masking. he doesn't have the kind of (unintentional) autistic coding that is Palatable To Neurotypicals. #definitely looking-too-deeply-at-a-kid-cartoon right now but in *some* ways. a world where the majority of people think its easy to like an #-understand ford is a world that would feel safe for me to unmask in. #i truly truly hate that fully explaining my thoughts on ford requires me to say so much about myself. but god is it such a crime- #-to use a fictional character as a lens through which to try and explain to people how to be more understanding and accepting- #-of things like this. #making fun of stilted speech is so normalized that people don't even realize they're making fun of someone for being weird. #people think its Someone Thinking They're Better Than You but its something people lay awake at night wishing they could stop doing. #and yet they still end up using the Wrong Words and being labeled a Pretentious Asshole just for talking differently than the norm. #maybe there really are people out there who deliberately use big words to try and sound smarter than everyone else. I don't know. #all I know is. in a world where its pretty obvious that people who use a discongruently complex vocabulary get made fun of for doing that. #why would someone deliberately trying to impress people do something that would only get them laughed at. #sorry for being genuine on main. as if its my fault </3

[jrueships]

the monthly apathy is back, rlly sorry if i said smthing to u and then u say smthing back and i don't respond for like a thousand years only to spam u after it passes and then u respond bcs ure awesome and i go on an unspoken vow of silence for yet another thousand years and the cycle just continues

#hard to will myself to just brush my teeth #it's so fucking annoying having these highs and lows and never a middleground bcs it's like #which one is actually me?? #i feel like none of them are really #when im feeling high energy i act extra confident and funny showman #but as soon as i stop i just feel huge regret and embarrassment over it #but im also so lifeless and feel like i can only say a lot if it's abt smthing negative bcs i can feel more deeply when im low #but it's only abt dark intense stuff #and when im in my highs i just dont have the attention span to care abt deep anything #it's like im either soaring in the sky or drowning in the sea #im never just On Land #like i cant just enjoy Earth #it's so fucking aggravating #' i would love to have high energy highs tho bcs i would be able to get sooo much done' #yea. it seems like a lot. until u realize it's literally just flighty-ass attempts at catching up on being a half human #trying to do all the stupid shit u somehow found aggravating difficult to even think abt doing during 1 of ur lows #like . why am i having to try and make a mental note to myself on... responding to. compliments. #when im in a higher energy mood #like. why cant i just #ARGGHEHHHHHHHRHRHHRHRRRR #anyways yea srry abt all the asks piling up and then me asking for more anyways and all the texts on read