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sinsbymanka · 3 years

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Writing Tag Game

Okay listen I’m on vacation XD hence why I’m ignoring everyone’s tags/taking forever to respond. But I’ve been tagged in this A LOT and I really liked it/wanted to do it so thank you to everyone who tagged me (oh my god I’m so sorry if I missed one of you there were SO MANY): @noire-pandora, @in-arlathan, @thevikingwoman, @morganlefaye79, @elveny, @kunstpause, @pikapeppa

I’m not tagging anyone because I’m tagging everyone since I’m too lazy to find my tag list (I’m on VACATION). If you’ve not gotten tagged and wanted to do this, say I tagged you.

How many works do you have on Ao3?

147 - I have 145 linked to my profile and two in the anonymous collection.

What's your total Ao3 wordcount?

1,468,248. Almost 1.5 million!!

What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Of Miracles and Heroes (FenHawke, Cadash/Varric, Varania/Blackwall): 269

Interspecies Relationships Have Their Ups and Downs (Shakarian): 145

Don’t Make it Hawkeward (Varric/Hawke): 135

The Ambassador’s Vices (Josephine/Adaar): 111

The Girl with the Arrow Tattoo (Cadash/Varric): 101

Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

I do (but - to be honest - it takes me FOREVER). I love comments. It’s so much easier to not leave comments than leave comments, so every time someone leaves one I’m blown away. I feel like - for leaving me a comment - you’re definitely owed an answer! I do apologize that it takes me awhile though - I am very bad at answering because they mean a lot to me and I get easily overwhelmed by the AO3 inbox I don’t know why. Blame anxiety.

What's the fic you've written with the angstiest ending?

I’ll be honest, I don’t like angsty endings so I don’t have many of them. By far the angstiest ending I have is Flowers, Lies, and Forgiveness. This is a Bianca Davri/Varric Tethras fic set during the final act of DA2. I wrote it from Bianca’s POV - showing Varric unraveling under the pressure of Kirkwall and Bianca’s complicated feelings about infidelity to her husband who clearly cares about her as well. I wrote it for @hollyand-writes who always lets me lean into the tragic “fucked upness” of the pairing when I’m feeling like making Varric suffer.

What's the fic you've written with the happiest ending

I prefer happy endings so almost EVERYTHING has a happy ending. My favorite endings, so far, are for Cheating the Dread Wolf, which is my Varric/Cadash/Solas polycule (or as I like to refer to it - Solas has a dwarf kink) and The Viscount’s Mistress which is my Hurt/Comfort Cadash/Varric Trespasser bullshit.

Do you write crossovers? If so, what is the craziest one you've written?

I have not written crossovers - but I am very into AUs in another setting that belongs to a different fictional universe. Most recently I got back into my Downton Abbey bullshit and wrote Flappers for Fen’harel which is basically a Downton Abbey AU Solas/Cadash and I’m not taking comments about the outrageousness of it.

Have you ever received hate on a fic?

Yep. Honestly though? Over the two years I’ve been active in Fandom, the shitty comments can be counted on one hand and usually came from the same people over and over again, who are easily blocked, and should stop seeking out clearly labeled content they don’t like. Me and my work are not for everyone - that’s REALLY okay. I’ve blocked people for no other reason than making things I don’t like - that doesn’t mean they’re bad people.

Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

GOD DO I.

I am extremely sex and kink positive. Because of this - a lot of my work involves sex in some way or another. I think sex is a beautiful part of many (although not all) relationships, and that it’s frequently glossed over in mainstream media (particularly queer, kinky, and polyam sex).

This ranges from sort of vanilla slow burns (My Cole/Bea fic, Compassion for an Assassin, has smut which hasn’t been posted yet. It’s Cole’s first time and is fairly vanilla and romantic, and occurs approximately 40k into the fic) to some pretty dubious consent near 24/7 dom/sub dynamics with BDSM kinks (I’ve written JUST as much of the Sereda/Gorim problematic smut as @jarakrisafis has in our series Forced Moves).

There’s very few kinks I’m not willing to touch at least to try out - even if I end up not liking them. And the ones that aren’t for me are 100% allowed to exist and I will fight for them to the bloody end. My only recommendation is CLEARLY labeling your shit and not being afraid to add a tag if someone asks you to.

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I’m aware of? I’ve seen ideas I’ve tried on picked up by other people - but I don’t consider that stealing and it’s hard to trace “who has been inspired by who” because we ALL have been inspired by thousands of other people and frankly more stuff for me when I pull you over to my weird AUs and rarepairs.

I also think that’s a huge part of not getting stolen - I’ve got so much weird niche shit that only a couple people read that stealing from me is going to most likely be caught IMMEDIATELY the audience is so small.

Have you ever had a fic translated?

I don’t believe so!

Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Yes! I’ve got some co-written secret smut with @blarfkey which almost nobody has seen, I’ve borrowed @tightassets Hawke, Lavellan, and Shepard for fics that she has illustrated, borrowed @tuffypelly‘s Adaars for some great fics, and my most ambitious project - the Forced Moves series with @jarakrisafis. It started out as us just exchanging gifts back and forth but we’ve wrangled it into Gambits and Countergambits, an Aeducan-origin prequel, that I’m VERY proud of.

I love co-writing very much, but it’s very important to find the right partner and for it to be someone you trust completely.

What's your all time favourite ship?

This is a stupidly hard question because I am, at heart, a multi-shipper.

I love Varric/Hawke and Varric/Cadash. I’m also a sucker for Solas/Cadash. My fandom pool noodle is Varric/Cadash/Solas which I adore, and I’m very fond of Cole/Cadash.

Most recently I’ve been DEEP in Aeducan/Gorim Saelac, Bhelen/Rica/Vartag, and Aeducan/Brosca feels. Dwarf origins are the best origins in my opinion and those characters are PERFECT.

What's a WIP you want to finish but don't think you ever will?

I fully plan on finishing everything. My writing style changed a lot, for the better, in a short period of time. I need to integrate my old style/new style and had to get a pep talk about how to do that. Now I’m ready to try as soon as I finish Compassion for an Assassin.

What are your writing strengths?

I write very sexy, hot smut. I also really like playing with character voice and making sure I get them “right” so I do a lot of experimenting before publishing a new character for the first time.

I struggle to write action scenes - it’s like pulling fucking teeth - but people really LOVE my action scenes and they read well. So that’s something I’m proud of even if it feels like doing fucking pull ups.

What are your writing weaknesses?

I never learned anything. My experiences with English and writing teachers were overwhelmingly negative. I’m unsure if I’m just not cut out for classes or if they were that bad, but I always left feeling like there was one “right” way to do it, and everything I liked was “bad”, so what was the point of “learning” anything?

It turns out there’s this very pompous, pretentious thought process in writing where people “assume” things must be done, but GOOD writing teachers teach you the rules and then how to break them. I either never had a good writing teacher or got too intimidated to give them a chance before bouncing.

So I’m exceedingly self-taught. I lack the vocabulary to discuss plot structure, characterization, grammar, etc. I instinctively know most of these things based on trial and error and reading, but I didn’t learn them and I miss a lot of nuance in the rules, but until recently I was still too intimidated and unsure of myself to admit that or take it seriously.

So - my defense mechanism is NOT taking ANYTHING seriously. If my writing is a joke to me, it’s gotta be a joke to everyone else, but that’s been a shield to hide behind instead of being thoughtful about things. I’m here to have fun, yes, but there’s nothing wrong with learning a technique to the art.

I’ve learned - mostly thanks to @blarfkey who is an amazing person and a wonderful teacher - that I am a good writer based on my self-teaching. And being intimidated of people who throw around impressive sounding words is a weakness that I am working on.

What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

Use sparingly and with good reason. It should be short and explained later or clear from context.

What was the first fandom you wrote for?

Harry Potter on message boards back in the fucking day. Thankfully none of it exists anywhere anymore.

What's your favourite fic you've written?

This is such a sappy answer and I’m so sorry. My favorite things have been written for and because of people I love and care about. When I read them, I’m not just reading the story, but remembering the relationships I’ve made and how important they are.

So, my top three fics for THAT reason:

1. Cheating the Dread Wolf - written for @blarfkey who inspired the idea and ruthlessly encouraged me to make it happen. This fic was so healing for me because it heavily features Fatherhood within it - and I lost my father in June 2020. I don’t know if I’d have been able to do it without her and it was so important for me to do.

2. Gambits and Countergambits - written with @jarakrisafis and the culmination of a years worth of gifting shit back and forth and crafting a shared universe. The worldbuilding, smut, relationships, EVERYTHING about this fic is so deeply and passionately cared about by both of us and to our knowledge it is completely, totally unique.

3. Relentless, Ridiculous, and Rakish - one of my only primarily gen-fics focusing on a forming brother/sister relationship between Maria Cadash and @tuffypelly‘s Otsar Adaar. I very much enjoyed writing it for her <3

And then my overall favorite fic:

The Viscount’s Mistress: I have a lot of opinions about how fanfiction treats the anchor’s meltdown and the aftermath. It’s one of the things in DAI that resonated with me SO much as someone who lives with chronic pain and a disability. I loved the fact my OC was in the same shoes and STILL saving the world. This is very much a fic that explores all the dark sides of trauma, pain, and the mental health effects of it. But it ends on a happy and hopeful note.

#manka writes #writer tag game thing

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parachutingkitten · 3 years

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Season 5 Analysis

STANDARD DISCLAIMER: I am going to be applying the concept of criticism to a TV show you presumably love and adore as much as I do. If you do not want your idea that the show is immaculate to be challenged, I would not advise reading past this point.

Additional Disclaimer: This includes criticism of Nya’s arc, so if you’re the type of person to get catty about this subject, turn back now.

Mood for this season: It’s spoopy time.

You don’t need to, but if you are interested, and haven’t seen my analysis of past seasons, you can find those here:

Pilot - Season 1 - Season 2 - Season 3 - Season 4

You can also find all of these, and future installments, on my blog using the tag #analysis

Hey everyone! I’m still doing these things! Let’s see, when was my last one? Over two years ago...? Yikes, I owe y’all an apology. I really didn’t mean to put these off that long. Anyway, get ready to hate me, cuz although (for the most part) this seems to be the fandom favorite season… I think it’s overhyped. I know, don’t kill me. I’ll explain myself. I don’t think it’s bad or anything, it’s very well structured, but I definitely wouldn’t rank it among my favorites. First, for a little context, I am making a one second of every ninjago episode video right now, so I’ve been binging the series and all it’s shorts back to back, so I think I’ll have a bit more to say about connective tissue between seasons, and hopefully you guys can look forward to more of these analyses between now and the new year when I’m releasing that video. I’m also officially a film major now so… sorry if I come of as extra pretentious or get too deep. Anyway, let’s jump into the thick of it, shall we?

Plot

This is probably the area I have the fewest number of complaints about. This season has a breakneck pace and it keeps everyone busy. I think that’s why people like it. Everyone’s favorite has something to do. Which brings me to the question… which ninja’s season is this? Lloyd is on a lot of the promotional stuff, but he’s possessed and out of the picture for over half the season, so that can’t be right. Cole turns into a ghost, and the season is a ghost season, but that can’t be right cuz I don’t know that I’ve ever heard anyone claim it was his. Nya reaches her true potential, maybe it’s hers? Well, she does have a large b-plot, but she is consistently not a part of the a-plot. Kai has a whole thing with being protective of Lloyd, he has his fear of water, maybe it’s just another Kai season? Thing is, it’s no one’s. It is an ensemble season, and I think that’s a healthy thing for ninjago to keep doing. The more we label certain seasons for certain ninja, the more complaining we’ll get about who’s turn it is for screen time that we’ll miss out on telling a good story. Also, If the season is focused on a ninja you don’t like, you are less likely to like the season (see my next analysis for that can of worms). Again, this season tells it’s story really well. Morro directly ties into the ending of last season, and Nya’s getting water powers was foreshadowed the season before. That’s some cool connective tissue to start. The opening episode establishes the three different things the ninja will be looking for, and for once they’re actual tools instead of a series of weapons, blades, masks, whatever. I like that. Jay has some really good humor, Zane has his speech changes, Kai has his irrational fears and protective instincts, Cole has his ghost angst, Lloyd has to deal with his father’s passing, Nya is a new water ninja, Wu has a shop to run and a student to reconnect with, even Ronin has an arc about developing morals and gaining friends. There’s the mystery about how to deal with the ghosts, what the rules are, there’s the leader subplot, the ninja’s money situation, and lore of the different realms, they even worked in Skylor and Borg, there’s a lot of cool stuff going on. This is a tightly woven script that manages to include a lot of new concepts that you get pretty quick. I don’t feel like there’s even that much fat to cut. The opening is a little slow and strange, and the cloud kingdom episode feels a little unnecessary, but I do like the idea of visiting a different realm early in the season so the audience isn’t caught off guard in the climax. Again, the plot all works for me, it’s the other stuff I find myself pretty meh on.

Characters

Ronin

I’m pretty sure Ronin is the only new (non villain) character introduced. I like him a lot. Ninjago needed a true wildcard to shake things up and be unpredictable. I also think he’s pretty nicely woven into the action of the plot. I think his introduction is a bit strange. Like, the ninja already know him, but we’ve never seen him before? Just the way they talk about him sounds like they’re quickly recapping who this guy is for those who missed previous episodes. It’s fine if the ninja already know him but either 1) Introduce or foreshadow him a season earlier or 2) Introduce their dynamic to the audience before it becomes plot relevant. Maybe the ninja are grumbling about him being a nuisance while tea shenanigans are going on or something. Or maybe you have a scene of him stealing the scroll and making snarky remarks about the ninja while he does it. Idk. just something so his sudden plot relevance isn’t out of nowhere. Also, I don’t hate his and Nya’s dynamic, but I know a lot of people love it, and I’m just not totally here for it. Is he supposed to be a father figure for her? Mentor? Frienemy? Just plain friend? (love interest???) it’s not super clear and I could have used some clarification. I also like his use and tie to the next season, so overall, well integrated character.

Nya

I’m adding in Nya here cuz she goes through a major character change, and how she’s handled is one of the things that rubs me the wrong way about the season. A lot of people will probably disagree and/or hate me for this section of the analysis so… here we go! The thing she has to get past to reach her true potential is fear of failure (supposedly) and the solution to that is to just… not care as much? First of all, I know this isn’t supper important, but the fun thing about the ninjago elements is that every elemental master matched up personality wise with their element. Jay is the energetic master of lightning, Kai is the hothead master of fire, Zane is the calm and calculating master of ice, Cole is the strong and dependable master of earth, Lloyd is the literal child master of energy. This especially goes for all the new season 4 masters. So what qualities are often associated with water personalities? Well, serenity, control, flexibility, elegance, patience… calm. You know, like a Zane type character (the element directly adjacent to hers). These are things that Nya isn’t - or at the very least don’t define her. (there’s also something to be said about water and its ties to more feminine qualities, which Nya has been actively shown to reject, but I won’t go into that rant here.) She was designed as the fire master’s sister, and when you try to fit a fire personality into a water shaped character mold… it doesn’t exactly mesh well. It doesn’t make sense. But, like I said, whatever. Maybe that’s the point? Like she has to change her personality to be more in tune with water? Sure. But let’s talk about this fear of failure thing. Because that’s the stated thing that dialogue tells us she needs to overcome. But when has Nya ever been afraid of failure? Fear of failure means avoiding doing something because of fear. Nya is ridiculously persistent, always has been (you know, fire personality). She tries training when no one tells her to, she makes her own alter ego to try and be a hero and save the people who would constantly tell her she wasn’t ready. Wu says she only wants things that come easy, but that’s never been her character before now, she has carried the team with her tech, research, and covert ops that no one forced her to do, all things which are not easy. Fear of failure is usually characterized by what if questions. If Nya is so afraid of failure, why don’t we hear her saying stuff like “but what if I’m not strong enough, what if I can’t save them in time, or worse, what if I lose control of my power and end up hurting people?” Cole shows much more of a fear of failure this season surrounding his insecurity about being a ghost. He wants to sit out from missions because he’s not sure he’ll be able to do it - he’s afraid of failure. But whatever, the writing isn’t clear at expressing her true setbacks, but she does display a real problem that a lot of people have and I think could have been well done if set up correctly. She shows an undying persistence that gets her too close, and makes her increasingly incapable. She lets her frustration hinder her progress (again, fire personality trait), and I think that’s interesting because I don’t think ninjago has done this character arc yet. The supposed solution to this problem is that she just needs to… care less? And yes, I kind of see where they were going with this, we sometimes cloud our natural potential by thinking about it too much, but saying “you need to stop caring” is the absolute wrong way to word it. Caring is not her problem, the problem is her control over the emotions that come from her caring. Caring is a good thing, and teaching kids that if you’re ambivalent about your problems, they’ll go away is not a good message. What she needs to do is take a step back. She needs to take a break, stop to think, and look at the big picture instead of hyper focusing on the roadblock directly in front of her. The usual and much better wording of the moral I think they were going for is “stop overthinking things”. Teaching kids to look at a problem from a different angle and give themselves time to cool down is a great thing. And just think of it, in the climax she could have this ah-ha moment where she steps back and looks at the bigger picture - the whole town, surrounded by the ocean - and gets the idea to sink the preeminent into the water, you could even easily tie that back into the bucket exercise, and that’s what triggers her true potential rather than the current… I’m honestly not sure what. Random flashbacks and the end of the season approaching quickly. Alternatively, you could tie it more directly into samurai x, and make her struggle with letting go of the past and allowing yourself to give up something good in your life to progress to something better. Anyway, I don’t think this was a bad decision long term, she needed to be solidified on the team as a full fledged ninja, I just think this season doesn’t handle the transition that well. Anyway, whatever, I’ll be waiting for your hate comments in the notes.

Romance

Um… there’s none this season? Like there’s a few Wusako moments that are still as weird as they were in season 2, but they’re really not prevalent. There’s also the Jay seeing the future thing which has some weird implications next season (again, some interesting connective tissue between seasons), but that’s about it. Maybe that’s part of why I don’t love this season? Like where’s the pixane? Lol, I’m kidding. But maybe that’s why a lot of people do like it. If you don’t like the canon ships… this is a nice little safe haven for you. Rare for a majority of the series.

Villains

So Morro is a good idea… in theory. I know he’s the fandom’s favorite edgy boy, but idk I think the brand of angsty teen they ended up with was more of an angsty 13 year old than 17 year old. His voice is really grating and I always want to yell at him to just… go get some cough drops. Stop throat screaming, use your diaphragm man! Also, everyone goes on about his last minute redemption, but as far as season 5 goes, he has like half a second of a change of heart. Literally, when Wu comes over and he’s drowning, he’s still being a persistent little idiot like “you never cared about me nooooo!” and it’s only at the last possible second that gives him the crystal, and even that he does it kind of saltily. The preeminent is pretty cool, I like her concept, her design, all that. All the other ghosts are fine I guess. Nothing super memorable out of them, although their aesthetic, especially when there’s a bunch of them swarming around is pretty cool. One last thing was I never understood how Morro “becoming the green ninja” worked and what exactly it was that… did for him? Like he didn’t actually get the power of energy, right? I don’t remember him using it. Did just him defeating Lloyd make him the green ninja? How does that transfer work? And why did he need it to take over the world or realms or whatever? Like I get that it’s supposed to give him more power and what not but idk, it wasn’t super clear. That’s a minor thing though.

Climax

Pretty cool. I like the ATMOSPHERE. Green light is a hard thing to use and justify correctly, but it works really well here, especially with the dark kinda gray blue sky complimenting it. When the preeminent starts walking into the ocean, it’s genuinely terrifying, but you understand exactly how it works and why she’s strong enough to do it. Nya’s true potential is again a little out of left field and could have had some better motivation put behind it. Like what is it Nya learned in that instant? To not be afraid to protect people? She’s… been doing that. Idk. I’ve hit on that enough for now. Overall, there was good variety. I like the green ninja fake out, I like the realm hopping, I even like the little Garmadon visit and Lloyd getting the robe. I feel like we didn’t need a part one and two, you could have had different titles. I mean come on. But hey, now we know, if Pix had only been there, the whole climax would have been wrapped up in like 10 minutes apparently. Pix for the win.

Humor

Really good. Like I’m surprised how much I laughed. Jay wasn’t annoying humor, it was good stuff, there were some good running gags, there’s a solid fourth wall joke about who the lead ninja is at the beginning of the season. Overall, I am pretty impressed. My favorite joke was perhaps the bit where Jay is sarcastically positive, the voice acting is just really solid. Then again, there’s also the whole Borg scene where he roasts half the ninja, that’s solid stuff right there. There’s just some really solid character interaction this season and the humor feels a lot more natural and less forced.

Drama

Okay, we’ve got a lot this season. Y’all know how I feel about Nya’s arc by now. It does not work for me. Ronin’s relationship with her is alright, but kind of comes out of nowhere. Ronin’s solo plot about kinda working for the ghosts works. Cole’s ghost angst works for the most part, although I wish he would have actually skipped a mission and then gone in to help save his friends once they can’t do it without him. That was probably the most solid drama of the season. The other main thing we have this season is Kai’s whole… fear/protective streak. This also doesn’t really work for me. Like, I get that Lloyd and Kai are friends and stuff, like his whole true potential was centered around Lloyd. But like, why does it have to be framed so weirdly? Sometimes in trying to make it seem like Kai is protective of him, it seems like the other ninja just like… don’t care about him? Not all the time, but there are some weird vibes. Also, it doesn’t really go anywhere. No one learns anything about themselves from this subplot, nothing comes of it, there isn’t really a payoff. Also, Kai has yet another irrational fear, this time of water, which really comes right the hell out of nowhere. They try to explain it away like “Oh, Kai feels powerless and so water can get to him” but like… what? That’s the exact situation he was in at the end of season 2 and he seemed perfectly content to literally swim across the ocean (which um… what do you mean the sworn protector of ninjago can’t swim?). Where is this coming from?! Again, it doesn’t really go anywhere, there’s not a point where he has to learn to confront it or he grows because of it. It’s just pointless stuff added cuz the writers like giving Kai vague trails to try and develop him. The cloud kingdom is kinda cool. That last minute twist about them working with Morro is… stupid and unnecessary though.

Spotlight Episode

I really like the Spinjitzu master tomb episode. Some cool riddles, I like the first two rooms a lot. I do think the third room is a bit strange. Like, the clue was “don’t look ahead” and the solution was to look beneath them, which is the exact same solution as the previous room. Like, you already have magic ice that shows the future, why not play into that? Don’t look ahead could maybe mean don’t look to the future, the opposite of that being the past. Maybe they have to draw on their past adventures to solve it somehow? Learning from the past is a good lesson, right? But overall, I really like it. Some real solid humor this episode. This episode has the sarcastic Jay optimism, Kai totally stalling for time, Zane dealing a pretty sick burn on Cole, just a lot of fun stuff. I like it. It just has great energy and nothing feels like it’s drawn out for too long.

Misc

The aesthetic this season… can be inconsistent, but the main ghost vibe displayed in the opening theme is really solid and I really like it

Speaking of the opening, Ghost wip is great and the opening in on par with last season’s (which is my fav) for sure

Ice age references… okay.

Chima references…. OKAY...

Okay, but like Deepstone can… kill ghosts? Or not? Is it just something ghosts can touch? It’s supposed to be like water in weapon form, right? Like that’s how I understood it when they first introduced it. Wouldn’t the deepstone bars kill Ghoultar then? And then like, Cole’s bike is made of deepstone. He uses it as a weapon. Wouldn’t it kill him? It kills other ghosts when they touch it. How… how does it work?! I need answers!!!

The captain of the steam boat says they’re going as fast as possible, but later Ronin comes in and cranks it up like twice as fast… that always bothered me like, why would he lie about that? Who is this captain and why is he so chill about everyone’s lives?! And then later Wu cranks it up yet again, like the ship had slowed down to it’s previous speed. What the hell is happening with the controls of this ship???

So pissed that the nasty CGI nightmare cloud monster that chases the ninja is named Nimbus. Totally forgot about that. I have an OC with a cat named Nimbus… I promise, there is not going to be a stupid twist bout the cat being the monster thing in Mists of Fate. That would be very stupid.

I was all excited that season 13 gave us minecart chases, but I totally forgot season 5 gave us one first. I really like the return to the caves of despair btw, good reuse of a known location.

How many times this season did we do the:

Kai: Oh, I don’t like water, I can’t do it uwu Cole: ...You serious?

Thanks for reading! And if you got this far… I don’t know. I would love to hear your thoughts if you have any! These are just my opinions, so don’t think too much of it if you disagree.

-Kitten

#ninjago #analysis #ns5 #ninjago possession #parachuterants

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lixiefe · 4 years

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Beyond The Curse

Magical!hyunjin x Cursed!reader

⎆ Words: approximately 9k

⎆ Disclaimer: This is set in the late 1800's timeline. Or anytime near that. More precisely, the time phase Little Women was based on. And I’m really hoping I can convey the vibes. I’ve taken a bit help from the internet, so yeah, I’m sort of also crediting pinterest. (But i posted the excerpt I used, so meh)

⎆ Summery: This can be read without the back story, but to understand the story better, I recommend reading it. The summery is written after the backstory. Prologue

⎆ Type and Warning: Lots of fluff and then angst at the end. Partly a soulmate au. Comedy (a lil?). Hyunjin is pretty flirty. As for warning, molestation (just a hint, hyunjin saves you), death, war-bombing. But overall, I don’t think this needs warning.

⎆ Also: I’ve done a bunch of researches, but if there’s anything wrong, please forgive me. I’ve spent a lot of time on this lol. I have high expectations for this lol2

Sequel: Beyond The Promise

Hwang Hyunjin

A humongous blaze of fire erupted amidst, camouflaging the entirety of the wooden platform. Scorching swashes of fiery heat engulfed the winter air with a myriad of grouse merging with a few expressions of lament. A brigade of pompous nobility joined the panicked servants with buckets of water, all efforts resulting in vain into extinguishing a fire that had already burned and catapulted the wooden platform into blisters of coal.

The people let out yet another shriek but the fire only burned. It seared and ravished what remained of the commemorative settlement like hearth consuming logs and paper. Another phase of utter panic washed through the hefty crowd as a few people approached the setting with angry words and furious roars.

They pushed through the cumbersome batch of servants, a string of heavy curses inciting as they took upon the blazing fire. They could but remain calm, especially when the mayor was fuming with anger. Because damnest to his legitimate child, the whole of his two days preparation for his rather magniloquent speech was burned into ashes of blackened woods. And he knew who did it and why.

“Hwang Hyunjin!”

It seemed rather sadistic, but Hwang Hyunjin had bigger achievements than something as puny as a mysterious fire that can’t even be called arson. The fire that burned in his chest and consumed the heckity of his inner peace scalded more than what a platform fire could even begin to. As his father hollered in utter aggregation, Hyunjin let out a satisfied laugh at the far corner. Laughing at both his father and his foolish remnants of pretentious reputation.

Hyunjin always believed it was too easy for his father to be shucking people here and there and manufacturing money out of illicit ways. It was unfair. And Hyunjin only hooted at his father’s demise. A little of the ‘unfair’ earned back through his defiant instincts.

This- he knew was the last straw. Now all he had to do was obscure himself from his family and have his way through his post-criminal days. Because that’s what his routine was.

“Have fun, father.”

You

Speed and stealth.

Go slowly, you can do it. it’ll be fine.

“Holy shiznit!”

A tardy presentiment wasn’t really what you needed at all, especially when you had already dropped the piece of fine melanin from your calloused hands and succeeded into attracting much more negative attention than you’d needed for the day.

“She dropped it again!”

Came the annoying voice of the Mr. Bard’s young son, who’d never missed on a single opportunity of causing you an immediate downfall. You’d have snickered at him and told him he was no fawning better than a wobbly weasel, but you knew ten folds better. With the child roamed his mother, who was no better.

“How scandalous! How can you be a woman?” The house keeper’s wife screeched, her nagging voice shivering you to the spine.

You stilled in your position, half bent towards the broken plate and doing your damnedest to contain yourself from running away. The vexatious woman rushed to you in saccharine astonishment, gasping through her hand that covered her brightly colored lips and eyeing you with unfiltered disgust.

As if she was any useful.

You knew what was to come, it’d happened too many times to count. Even so, you’d never shattered an expensive utility before and the remorse was only for the broken pieces of melanin that laid upon the fallow timber. You were less than appropriate for household chores and no one knew it better than the spawn of devil and Mrs. Wife ( You called her that since she took too much pride in being Mr. Bard’s wife ), but they’d loved to torment people and there was no way out of it. At least not for you.

“How are you a growing woman if you cannot carry a few plates altogether? Preposterous!”

And soon after, the people of the whole shelter gathered in one huge horde of fussing women and tutting children.

With that started real chaos, and chaos integrated gradual commotion. Mrs. Wife could be anything but peace-loving and of course involved into an uncanny obsession with melodrama. Drama she needed to cause herself.

And how you were her favorite victim!

It was nothing but absolute rotten luck. You had screwed up in the broad daylight of working hours when the men were out to doing whichever occupation they’d acquired. And whom was left were the troublesome bunch of insolent children and their alike mothers. The elder men of the settlement were wise and rational, people who totally would not cause unnecessary clout for a single piece of guest-plate. And that’s exactly what she’d missed.

“Hurry! What shall we do! We all know how scarce these are and this little girl so crassly broke them.” Mrs. Wife spoke in entire abhorrence, jabbing her finger at your forearm with intended force. Some scrawny children took upon more stress than their age onto it, on the way of demonstrating the importance of financial parsimony to you, someone who’d lived older than their twice life. Some women also infuriated to an unexpected extent, demanding whichever way of proper justice came into their minds. Which of included, ‘Fix the plate’ and ‘execute her!’, which made no sense to you at all.

However, you couldn’t but listen with pretentious guiltiness and cower in the barks of many voices.

“I demand she buys what she has ruined!”

That particular suggestion drew everyone like light in the water. Of course, it was quite understandable to suggest such in normal circumstances. But not now. Not when there was an ongoing war out in the roads. Even without actual battle taking place, the heat and grudge it stemmed was enough danger as it was. And having a young woman on the streets was fatal.

But that not once crossed their minds.

And that was now your fixated ultimatum, a penalty you’d not deserved. But right now, you had no choice. Protesting to them was out of question, even a little sigh of exhaustion was considered impudence and a certain labeling of ‘You trollop!’

You were afraid. There were quite a generous amount of tales going around of young teenagers being abducted and sold into slavery or simply imprisoned for whichever conditions they saw fit. It was terrifying.

Yet you congregated the most courage you could and stuffed your little purse inside your ruffled gown pocket and arranged your braid. You’d looked decent enough. But then again what would looking decent bring you? Instead maybe if you were covered in dirt and smelled like feces, people would leave you alone.

The streets looked horrific with gray tunes embellished everywhere you looked. The once lively town that embodied your sweet childhood was now devoid of any loud noise. People spoke in hushed whispers, looked with eyes that bore no soul, breathed through reddened nose and wore ashened, disheveled clothes. The terror, the impassive eyes and ghastly figures impaled you. Everything had turned into what you’d never have imagined in your early life.

You walked with unsure steps, eyes observing the cryptic exchanges and the limited rations in every shops. How you were supposed to find an expensive silver-wear in such a desolated environment was unknown to you. But you kept walking between the collapsed monoliths, gray at your feet, gray at every side. A carpet of gray that promised nothing but yet another destruction.

“Hello there, little one.”

A tight, bruising and sturdy grip yanked you into a secluded pathway, your throat releasing a panicked shriek as your other hand clutched your hemmed gown. Despite your clamor of rescue, no living being batted an eye. Each ignored you like you were nothing; oblivious- more like scared to interfere. And as you were successfully dragged into an isolated clearing, you were met with more than three scathing men that surrounded you like wolfs.

The grip on your arm released with a stinging after-burn, but there was no way of escape. You were surrounded by the bulky men who stared at you like hungry predators, their stare so lecherous and vulgar that it made you horrified and struck with desperation; desperate to escape.

Your widened eyes matched your laborious breathing, little trickle of perspiration wetting your forehead. All of them looked so cynical, eyes flooded with ill intentions and smirk portraying however precarious desires they’d brewed.

You wanted to scream, you wanted beg to the almighty to let you go this once, to spare your life this once. But no one was there to hear you, no one except your captors. The closer they approached you, the more fright ran through your body.

“No one can hear you, little one.” Your captor said, an evil smile playing on his lips. And before you knew it, your hair was pulled behind with a harsh pull. By now, not thinking of the aftermath, you were screaming your lungs out, the sound muffled by the hand that clamped your face. Your heart frantic with pulsating beats and hands grasping for any form of liberal means.

In the blacks of near graveyard, you were the only erratic heart, skimped in the middle of heartless beings and on the verge of molestation. Darkness fell on the words spoken to nobody and screams heard by nobody. And you wished. Yearned for another beating heart, another blood and flesh, another conscience to walk upon you.

This was so bad. So so bad.

And it was as if your unspoken wish was granted, your prayers took in accountance and your desperation answered.

“What in bloody hell is going on?”

Hwang Hyunjin so much as hated violence, even more so if it was precarious things like ‘stolen from family’ or ‘taken for public ledging’. He wasn’t at all afraid of using actual words instead of euphemisms, but those precepts were made mandatory- so usual that he’d gotten used to it.

But it did not mean he was oblivious to them.

Especially not when it were to be happening right in front of his eyes. Not when he was dead-on witnessing a group of excrements laying their filthy hands upon someone innocent, in intentions he’d much rather not review.

“What in bloody hell is going on?”

The masculine man turned around, sinister eyes fuming at the intruder. “What are you doing here, boy?” he spoke with irritation rolling off every word as he released his tenacious grip on you and came closer to the intruder.

Hyunjin snickered, clicking his tongue in annoyance as he rolled up his sleeves. He eyed the repugnant man in sheer disgust. What obstinate stench and what pernicious stance, Hyunjin couldn’t but wonder how on earth you’d endured such disgust for what time you’d been in their hands.

What an indirect torture to primary senses!

“You all look like an insidious lot. You’re not government officials, are you?” Hyunjin mused, a quirky hint lacing his tone. If the rowdy men weren’t furious, they totally were now. Hyunjin should be scared, he should be petrified, but he knew so much well the men were going to underestimate his strength. Probably would cause their own downfall.

“You’re daring. I like that.” the man at front looked at him, impressed. He came closer, adapting a look as much menacing as he could. But Hyunjin really did care less. “Would you perhaps, join us?” he offered.

Hyunjin’s throat nauseated, repulsed at the ridiculous offer and the pungent man. Join them? Was he nuts on even rocks or black sand? Before he could share a piece of his mind, the man answered himself with a wicked smirk.

“We don’t share.”

Ludicrous. As if in hell I’d want to.

“But you’ve caught that right. We are no officials. We are fugitives.” The spiked man said from behind you. So criminals huh? Along with the distaste lingering in his mouth, Hyunjin could swear he visibly saw yellow and green radiations off of that man; it was so disgusting. The man behind you pulled at your hair even more, eliciting a pained cry from your lips as your eyes looked at him with desperation. “Now leave, kid.”

Hyunjin’s heart wrenched as silent tears poured out of your eyes and lips quivered in sheer fear. You were helpless, body shaking with the premonitions in your head, presentiments that could actually happen. But not when he was there. Looking at you maddened him even more. They’d abducted a fragile girl from the middle of the streets, no wonder how many other people they’d nicked or how many crimes they’d committed. It was inhumane.

“Well, I am lucky then.”

They’d really not known the infamous mayor’s son. A rebellious fellow who’d mastered sparring skills and cheap tricks all in one. Who’d repelled his father and succeeded in felonious little revolts. And they’d certainly not known or foreseen that they could be disgracefully defeated by burned ashes.

Cheap tricks were Hyunjin’s first and foremost specialty.

It took Hyunjin seconds to fill the air with ashes and simultaneously kick the men that were at the front with his sturdy boots. His first priority was saving you, but you were at the very back and shielded by two others who still hadn’t lost their hold on you. He threw even more ashes; specifically aiming for their eyes as multiples coughs broke through them in full swing, much to his pleasure.

He’d abruptly yanked you away from the weakened grip and motioned you to run in quick gestures. Hyunjin was almost flying through the smoky terrain, never losing balance, never stumbling. He landed a brutal punch at your direct captor, watching the man stumble back to the ground. He flung himself in a swift cart-wheel, feet trouncing two men at once as he injures their neck. He stood in firm steps, triumph and prepared for his last blow. He hurled the remained man hard on the rocky surface of broken pillars, a loud grunt leaving him.

Hyunjin could be sadistic, who knew? But he’d justify his actions as simply impulsive. Because there was no right or wrong, no justice and injustice and who was he to define such cruelty?

Except for maths. Yeah.

He walked over to the adjoined pathway which possibly lead to the town streets, he didn’t know. He clapped his hands together in an attempt to dust off the ash and oil from the fight. He could mourn over the dirt of his clothes later on, but his bigger concern was if he’d been contaminated with the gross stench of the men. He smelled and sniffed himself in frantic worry, finding only the dry smell of soil.

How abominable for him to ruin his clothes like that when he was searching for a hidden place to stay.

“Are you- are you okay?”

Hyunjin halted in alarm, head snapping back to look at the speaker. For an instance, he felt dumb to think that another assassin could’ve come for him, to lure him in their feminine charm and stab him with a large hairpin. Because that’s happened before, even though he was mildly asexual and openly insulted the woman for being an attention seeker.

His remaining wee asexuality flew away in the air as he took in your appearance.

You were a girl, that’s for sure, but an eye-catching one at that. It was to no wonder that some street-bandits would surely take an interest in you; and he was so glad that it was him who played the diaphanous hero and saved you from those disgusting monsters. His eyes were stuck; enamored by your striking orbs. Dried lips apart and seeking to mind for a cohesive reply but his voice enabled him no correspondence.

“Are you hurt? I am so sorry.” You spoke, jittery hands clasping together and lips seeking moisture from your tongue. You went closer to your rescuer, scanning him for any injuries.

Hyunjin was stilled, bewitched at your lovely figure that bore so much kindness. Your gentleness baffled him, it felt so pure and genuine that he’d almost forgotten how truly despotic the world was. You were so close to him, eyes sympathetic and skimming him for the absent injuries he’d gotten.

“No, I’m fine. Ha ha,” Hyunjin slipped away from you, hands in accordance with his awkward laugh. He dusted his ashened shirt with his similar hands, speckles of airy soil surrounding him. A series of light profanities left his mouth as he zoomed at the prominent tear down his shirt. Mind going full panic mode, “Oh my god! Those bleedin- heckin bandits!” He screamed, sentimental hands tracing the rip ever so gently, as if they were what held his last bits of sanity.

“My shirt!” He mourned, clutching onto the material with utmost caution. To you as well, this was over-sentimental. Who would grieve this much over a tear on their clothes? He looked so different than when you’d seen him flying through gray ashes.

But his sudden traumatic grief vanished away as he looked you in the eye, suddenly curious of what he had almost forgotten. “Why didn’t you run away?” he asked.

“Oh I, um, I was worried about you,” you answered. Sure, he was you savior, your prince in shining delight. As much as his princely looks told you he was angel’s guise, his appearance said otherwise. Hyunjin was so sure he’d looked dangerous enough to not receive such words.

“You were worried?” he laughed in amusement, lips spreading across his rosy cheeks into a beautiful grin. You thought this was some unnecessary handsomeness for his tough outlook, but you weren’t one to object. He was more beautiful than the prettiest flower, more enticing than the royalty suitors and of course more attractive than you could ever be.

What a model.

“Of course I was! You’ve saved me,” you said. Hyunjin looked at you with even more glee, his smile now a hubristic remnant of the striking laugh. Your head lent backards as Hyunjin came closer to you, noses just inches apart. Eye to eye, you shrunk under his playful gaze, yet refusing to break away.

“Just because I saved you, princess, doesn’t mean I’m safe as well.” He spoke in almost whisper, moving away to stand back. He still had the same challenging expression, as if daring you to oppose. In normal circumstances, you’d have done nothing. But something in his words was so provocative, that you couldn’t help but just dare. And he’d said princess, it was ticking.

“Well you’re not doing anything now. You seem opposite of your words.” You said, bold to your speech. Hyunjin lifted a brow, his little smirk growing at your hilarity. It was his first time hearing such response, but it was no one’s business if he said he’d like to hear more of you. But who was he to keep you?

“You’re very bold to say that, princess. I’ve ruined my clothes for you, and for that I am offended.” Hyunjin turned around in an attempt to leave, even though every cell in his body desired to see you a little more. He didn’t want any attachments in first meet. If you were to be in his life, fate would make sure of it, that he believed.

But it seemed fate was quick to catch on and almost too quick to grant his wishes as he felt a feeble tug at his dress sleeve. A sign so little and fleeting, yet not hesitant at all. He stopped, heart and blood anticipating what the next moment could transpire.

“Thank you,” you said quietly. Hyunjin’s hopes dropped as quickly as your fingers fell from his sleeves. He couldn’t contain the disappointment that undoubtedly covered his heart, but he didn’t let it show. He was shameless to admit that he’d wanted you to ask him to stay, or say anything that could give him an opportunity to again look at your inviting orbs and get lost in your solemnity.

But what bad luck!

“Would you like me to fix your shirt for you?”

Or maybe not.

ii.

Your savior was surprised when you walked him to where you lived with a few other families, because it was one of his properties he had donated for combined charity in the flaming war. He’d contributed quite much of his fortunes to help the starving and sorrow-ridden people, which led him to having no home and using the remaining of his wealth to abide by.

You had revealed that you lived with your father, who pampered you and loved you so much that he was all you had to talk about. Even so, who else could you talk about? You’d also told him that you had an insatiable passion for art, the first thing you’d drawn being your father. Your father still had the sketch framed delicately in his personal room and you promised him that you’d let him see that.

Your savior was a rich lad, but you had yet to know that. You’d perceived that he was any other vagabond and virtuous being, who lived travelling by and had the proper guts to stand up to injustice. He told you a little about his hobbies when you were stitching up his dirt-stained shirt as slowly as a snail.

And yes, he was wearing another short-sleeved piece underneath.

You noticed he had little scars trailing up both his forearms, scars that reminded you of battle casualties. You’d also seen the end of a cut near his pronounced collarbones. You wanted to ask him the history behind the gruesome injuries but that seemed too much of an intrusion to his personal space- at least in first meet.

Hwang Hyunjin was his name, pretty to the ears and meaningful to his characteristics. His name matched him greatly. His princely looks and attractive hands; and the way he’d saved you like a princess, from flame-spitting dragons that constrained you in danger. He was in fact, a whole king. At least for you.

“Your clothes look dirty. Would you like to stay for a day? I could wash them for you.” You said, still guilty over the fact that he’d ruined his prized clothes to rescue you.

“But I don’t have any other clothes. I think I’d decline,” He looked at you with thankful eyes, a glimmer that spoke of apologies. You knew what it meant, yet you look at him with similar earnest, ransacking your brain for something- anything- you could say to stop him.

“I could provide you some! Please stay, it was my fault.” You speak in applied hassle, hands reaching for the hem of his shirt that you’d sewn for the past five hours, stopping him. You see Hyunjin ponder for a few seconds, feet prodding at the ground as he looks up.

You see the familiar curve of his lips appear again, forming into his trite smirk. He bends down to your face-level, eyes peering straight into yours and cheeks resembling the pink of yours.

“If you insist, princess.”

~.~

He’s come back again tomorrow. And the day after. And again the day after. He had visited you every day for two weeks, accompanying you into your stressful household chores and as you sat down on a broken pillar amidst the grassy yard for a breathe of respite. He has relentlessly stared at you with so much veneration, so much admiration and so much of the feeling only he knew.

How, he didn’t know. But you’ve captivated him into an endless trance. An endless delirium that started with your shimmering eyes and ended through the honey of your voice.

In the span of days, he has known pain, happiness and love. He has known how it stings when you accidentally cut yourself with a piece of glass, he has known how you gleam with felicity when you both gossip about Mrs. Wife, and he has known how it feels when you’re all he thinks about. He has experienced all through you, things he’s never felt and never known. The never-ending sweetness of your laughter, your electrifying touch, your twirling hair, you. That’s all he knows.

Some people used to describe him as promiscuous, or even a wandering wanton, but he knew for one that they described any attractive person like that. It wasn’t like he never went near beautiful women. He’d hung around his own fair share of women. But you, you felt so unique. You weren’t like any other he’d seen. Not the brothel girls, not the women that sought him like grilled meat and obviously not the ones that pretended to be prim and virtuous for his attention.

Hyunjin was flabbergasted when one day, he was summoned by your father, very discreetly. He was skeptical at first. Because why would your father need him for something that seemed so confidential? And that too, him of all people.

“Ah, Hyunjin. Here you are.” Your father greeted with a creasy smile. Hyunjin timidly smiled back, half of him still severely suspicious. He’d only seen your father in your very precise sketches, but never in real life. But truth be told, your sketches resembled your father in the most detailed way.

The office room was warm, like the side of a fresh-burning hearth. It exuded comfort, the air permeating a relaxing atmosphere around the scaling walls and back. Brown papers and envelops engaging one part of the room, the other filled with working equipment and an old sofa.

“Yes, sir.” He replied, still standing stiff before the work-table of your father. His eyes roamed around, your sketch still hanging on the wall like a prodigious artistry. He noticed two picture frames resting on the wooden table, both being yours. You had been so beautiful since birth, he thought.

“I have news on you.” Your father said, motioning Hyunjin to come closer. He obeyed, now standing right in front of your father. Hyunjin couldn’t decipher what news could be found about him, except if it were anything negative. He was suddenly apprehensive, dreading what he could be told. Your father grabs his right wrist, thumb ghosting over the end of his palm. “You seem very close to my daughter.” Your father says.

“Sir, forgive me for my insolence, but if you ask me leave her-”

“Of course not. I’ve never been happier. She’s been so bubbly, just so full of life. I believe it’s because of you.” There was such a soft hint in your father’s speech- vulnerable even, and flowing in adoration for you. Hyunjin realized no matter how gruff your father’s voice, his words were a complete contradict. He was ashamed to have thought he was summoned to be bribed to betray you, it was disgraceful.

“I’m- I’m sorry, sir. I misunderstood you.” Hyunjin bows politely. Your father immediately stands up, grasping Hyunjin by the shoulder. Your father offers him a reassuring smile.

By this time, Hyunjin had almost forgotten about the grip on his wrist. Your father brought his hand up to chest-level, applying acupuncture pressure. For the first few seconds, it doesn’t hurt, it feels nothing. But as the clock ticks by, Hyunjin feels a stinging pain in the middle of his wrist. He struggles to free himself away but your father presses tighter, deeper.

It hurts, it hurts like hell. Hyunjin feels like he could scream, he could madly bellow out to the almighty in anguish; because it was unbearable. The stinging pain is agonizing, much intense than anything he has ever felt. But his chest felt constrained, narrowing with every passing second, every squeeze of pressure.

He feels a pained cry rip through his chest and past his reddening lips. Eyes shut tightly, his wrist contracts in the tenacious hold, fingers twitching and wrist thrashing for freedom. It’s as if all the pain of his life has accumulated in one place, galloping into his veins like sheath needles on his skin.

But he doesn’t see how the veins of his wrist light up with a grandiose glow, ripples of blinding, magnificent white light emitting from in utter glory. He doesn’t see the smile, the breath of relief that your father gains.

Until suddenly, the pain vanishes with a mysterious extinction, like it wasn’t even there. And all that’s left is the pad of your fathers thumb on his wrist. As soon as your father liberates him, Hyunjin stumbles back, breathless. He looks at his wrist in surprise, because what the hell was that?

“I have finally found you, my son.” Your father smiles at him in relief. But Hyunjin is not in the rational state of thinking what the meaning was behind his mystic words. But he still questions, grasping the table corner with force, as if he’d fall down any time.

“Wh- what?”

“If I’m gone.., will you protect my daughter?”

It astonishes him. Hyunjin stealthily regains his labored breath, trying his best to maintain the composure of his unstable feet. He only stares for a few, as if trying to articulate if this was actually real. If he really was confronted by your father, if he really felt the piercing pain just minutes ago.

“Without a question, sir.” He replies almost immediately.

“I heard that you were born with deity’s blessing.” Your father apprises. Hyunjin abruptly retracts back. Deity’s blessing he said, it was a disgrace. A history Hyunjin never wanted to recall. How unlucky was his mother to have sacrificed herself for someone like him!

Hyunjin lets out a throaty chuckle. “That is just a rumor, sir. People spread around stuff very easily.” Even though Hyunjin doubted every little lie that spread around in the chattering town, he knew for a fact that, there was a bit of truth in the rumor. But in all seriousness, blessing? Even though it was outrageous, he has experienced things in his life that were inexplicable. Things science cannot explain, and things he couldn’t understand.

“What if I say it’s not a lie?”

Hyunjin halts abruptly. His brows creased and adjoined together in a tumult frown, he speaks, “What might you mean, sir?”

“My daughter is cursed.” Your father says in a swift flash of wind, in a nonchalant way, as if having a cursed daughter wasn’t much of a deal. For Hyunjin, things couldn’t get any more complicated. The confusion on his face grows. He feels as if he’s been catapulted into a stirring tornado, the information a bit too much for him to handle.

He doesn’t need to question anymore, because his eyes speak it all.

You were … cursed?

“And you’re the only one who can save her.”

Hyunjin never would’ve imagined he was in for a supernatural chronicles lesson, which involved around him and you; and how the deity bestowed him to revive your human soul.

iii.

“How is my princess doing?” Hyunjin sings into your ear, startling you. You jolt with surprise, the plate in your hand again fumbling with barely any balance as it tumbles down. But it doesn’t fall, instead is caught by the slender and quick hands of Hwang Hyunjin, who nuzzles his chin on your shoulder.

It’s a meeting blessed by god, isn’t it?

You’d have looked at him in the eye and spoke face to face. But that seemed, well, impossible. Cheeks close to nail distance and his breath fanning the crook of your neck, you dared not to move. “Your princess is going to die,” You say, monotonously.

The first thing that came to his mind was, the curse. “What- why?” Hyunjin asks, bewildered. A sudden panic evident in him as he turns you around. You almost feel bad for the reply you’re going to give to this perplexed Hyunjin, who looks about to lose his sanity.

“If I break another plate.”

Hyunjin looks at you like you’d said the driest joke one could possibly muster. Eyes drained of his playfulness and mouth rendered speechless. He lets out a rather relieved sigh, one that expressed his raw concern. You’re almost tripping with guilt at his opposite reaction, mind suddenly reclining backwards and telling you that you shouldn’t have done it.

All ‘shouldn’t have’s have cost you much, you did not want any addition. You’re about to apologize when Hyunjin speaks.

“You almost broke my heart. I thought I wasn’t going to see you anymore.” he looks like he’s pleading you, like he was so painfully dreading the possibility of never seeing you again. A probability that depicted his wildest nightmare. He grabs your hands into his, a hold so vulnerable as if he’d never let you go.

It strikes you right then that Hyunjin was more serious than he’d ever been. He was scared; scared and terrified of losing you, of getting his heart broken.

“Protect your heart, Hwang Hyunjin. It doesn’t deserve to be broken.” You reply, looking into his captivating brown orbs shielded by his cat-eye lids. You’ve seen emotions swirling in the cavernous depth of his eyes before, but never this desperate, never this conspicuous. Then you knew, despite his calm façade, Hwang Hyunjin held so much more to him. So much fear, so much sentiments, so much longing- for what and whom unknown to you.

“It does, only if you’re the culprit.”

He says it like it is the most natural thing ever. Like he doesn’t mind, doesn’t care if you’re rash with his heart. It’s infuriating, yet it’s spoken with such impetuosity that it heedlessly melts you. Even so, it’s wrong. Terribly wrong to hand over something so powerful, so pure into someone’s hands just like that.

“No, don’t say that! I cannot be the force that breaks you.” You say. You’d struggled to handle melanin plates, how could you handle something as precious as your everything in your clumsy hands like that? What if you drop it? What if you’re not careful? It wouldn’t give you a second chance to redeem, a penalty to resurrect it. It’s delicate, fragile and you’re afraid.

Hyunjin only smiles at you as he slides a warm hand onto your cheeks. You were wrong if you thought the emotions in his eyes couldn’t get deeper, because now, he’s staring into your eyes with the entire equatorial constellation glimmering in his orbs. His hands, eyes, smile and gestures so gentle and passionate, as if you’re the reflection in his eyes, you’re the stars and moon his eyes procured.

“I’ll let you be the hurricane.” Hyunjin begins as you hold his hand atop your cheek, feeling the warmth and comfort of it all. You’d protest, but the intensity of his words halt you, they render you speechless. “As long as I can be part of the destruction.”

Your eyes get softer and heart wrenches with his confession. Your brows adjoin together in a frown, not at all supporting his answer. It’s brutal; unfair how he’s willing himself to you, how he’s submitting himself into your hands. “But why?” you whisper, with a hidden frustration you knew he could catch. “Do you have some horrible wish to get hurt?”

“No,” he whispers back, “I just think every being is going to get hurt at least once in their lives. And how fortunate I’d be if I could get destroyed by you.”

It really was a rendezvous blessed by god.

~.~

You were again in the yard, peering off to the polychromatic horizon and simply enjoying the moment. Except, with Hyunjin stuck to your back and his hands wrapped around your waist. The soft breeze blows above the jeering grass, and so does the fading sounds of children playing far behind.

You love the moment, every second and every fractions of it. Because having Hyunjin by your side every afternoon is much more than the blessing you could ask for. And now, he's engulfed you snugly against his chest with the ice cold tips of his nose brushing against your ear.

Right now, you think you've lived for this.

All the children and their mothers were out in the large yard, playing and gossiping at the same time. You had asked your father to have a little respite as well, but he declined almost instantly, saying he had piled up work.

“What are you thinking about?” Hyunjin mutters softly in your ear, an inadequate vibration of his voice soothing, yet chilling to you as well. You know he’s smiling, because who wouldn’t? You both were in your blissful little world, oblivious and uninterested in what laid around you.

“You.” You reply, craning you neck to match your eyes. This was so close, a little lean and you would have your lips on his. Noses touching and a delightful smile gracing both your lips, you watch as Hyunjin’s eyes gloss with endearment, sparkles with all the affection he’s developed for you.

“You do know when to say what, right?” he asks, a sly smile covering his lips. Hyunjin leans in a little more, willfully brushing his nose against yours. You scrunch up your nose on impulse. Hyunjin stares back in melodramatic surprise, as if you’d rejected a scrumptious offer of his.

But the look changes in moments and his eyes are back to mimicking the whole universe, a thousand stars, a thousand granite shining in the confines of two reflecting orbs. Hyunjin slowly leans even closer, eyes fluttering shut. You knew what was coming, and the thought of it brought fright-nerves to you. You’ve never done this before, never really felt this way before. What if you mess up? What if he realizes you’re not what he wants? What if he remains dissatisfied because of your inexperienced movement?

Theres so many questions in your head, yet you advance with no reluctance. Partly because what if it’s the first time? You trusted him. “I’ve never done this before,” you murmur with the faintest voice, looking into his heavy lidded eyes.

“That’s a pleasure for me then.” The last comforting smile is what you see as he dips his head down to yours, lips so close that you shudder with anticipation. The time is yours. The little moment of that bliss is what remained. His lips almost touching yours, but they don’t.

Instead the air wracks with frantic yells, dozens of footsteps sound past you, along with numerous panicked yells. You whip your head forward in terror, in order to see what the commotion was about. But Hyunjin is quicker; and before you could get a gist of the upcoming danger, your face is firmly pressed into his chest. Hyunjin ducks with you behind the huge boulder, hands still cradling you into his embrace.

You do not know what’s happening at all, nor what’s to come. All you do hear for a moment is the sprightly beating of Hyunjin’s heart, and the persistent white noise that comes with him blocking your hearing senses. Your mind blank, you cannot hear anything, cannot see anything; why is he doing this?

But then you hear it. No matter how tightly he’s holding you, how blank your ears sound, it was significant. Through your congested ears, you heard a loud explosion. Out of shock, you felt yourself in a frenzy, amid a mass of terrible sensations and trying to free yourself from the constricted hold. The fearful blow of explosion, the noise of breaking glass, the hoarse blank sound that overpowers your mind, everything was far less than the whirlpool of horror as you realized your father was still in there. He was there, inside.

On the other hand, Hyunjin saw it all. How the irregular pentagon bombs dropped from helicopter shafts, a few miles away. An instant later, a blinding flash like lightening shot through, and a huge gust of varicolored fire belched upward, emitting a series of smoke-rings floating up in the air. Then, it spread to form the mushroom-head of a column of incandescent gas that mounted to overtake it, engorging the smoke-rings as it rose, twisting, writhing, changing shape, turning to dark smoke one moment and eructing flame and crackling with lightening the next.

The sound of burn and luminous radioactive gasses spurting into larger explosions are what remained. Hyunjin stood up with the both of you, mind frantic and persistent with the thought of getting away from here.

It was the work of enemy alliances, and he could not stay here any longer. They could be here any second, any moment. He had to protect you, at any cost.

“Will you protect my daughter if I’m gone?”

That’s what his priority was. Then from the lane comes the sound of sirens and tires throwing up spray from the dry, ash-kissed lane. The cavalry are here, but not to save, not to rescue. And no one knew it better than Hyunjin.

Hyunjin sprinted into a rapid run, dragging you by the hand quickly. Both of your hearts are turbulent, but with different causes. You know for a fact, Hyunjin is protecting you from any potential harm, but it doesn’t sit well with you. Your father was in there, probably still is, why are you the only one getting spared from the explosive fire. Why?

Your guilt twists and traps you into an inebriate current. You could’ve saved your father, he was still in there! You scream with agony, demanding him to stop as you attempt your best to jerk your hands away. At this moment, you didn’t want the costless protection, you didn’t want to be prioritized. Your only thought being your father’s demise.

But Hyunjin doesn’t listen at all. He’s only pulling you faster and closer to the guilt-ridden fate of yours. When suddenly you’re pulled and obscured amidst a terrestrial forest, only then does he release you.

“I’m so sorry, princess.”

You look up to meet his dejected eyes with you own tear-stricken ones. Not thinking even once, you punch his chest with all your might, and again, and again, again and again until you’re crying out in demented whirls, all those whelmed and jumbled frames of your mind spilling out in the form of rushing briny-liquid. Hyunjin doesn’t flinch at all, instead, letting you continue until you’re out of breath, out of strength. Only then do you plummet onto his chest, resounding cries still venting from your throat. You’d say your throat hurt, but not more than the pain that envelops you whole; a painful, wrenching pain.

Before you knew it, your cries had taken the afternoon down, the sky now gradient with blue hues as the evening befell.

You wrap your arms around Hyunjin, fatigued wails leaving a trace of whimpers leaving your lips. Hyunjin reciprocates immediately, caressing your back in soft and tender circles. The loud cries might have died down, but not the clamor of your heart, not at all. Your mind was still in stubborn repudiation with the reality, but you cannot deny the gravity of what has already occurred.

But what can you do?

You know Hyunjin was right, is right. He’s made the most rational decision, and you were the one who was not rational. How could you be? It was not every day when you get the most important person slew and separated from you with such cruelty.

The evening went by with the both of you in the barren woods. It hurts Hyunjin to see you suffering, especially when he can’t do anything to ease the pain, can’t do anything but pledge to protect you. You felt guilty at times, even more guilt piling atop your shoulders; because you’re just letting him do everything for you without any response, any sign of gratitude. And he only does more.

Hyunjin has surmised your every feelings like an open book. You were very much grateful, but made zero to no effort in expressing it. Hyunjin carried you on his back to the end of the woods, where you could see a lit settlement and traces of human civilization. This was no spared area from the war, but it looked quite a bit lively and less damaged. These people still reeked of optimism, something that you’d rarely see in those cynical walls of the shelter.

Hyunjin let you off his back when you reached the clearing. You’d thought you were going to walk from there on. Even though your legs ached like thorns prickling your bones, you were glad that Hyunjin was finally letting you do something on your own. But you were wrong. Hyunjin fished out some gold coins from his censored tunic pouch, encasing them into your grimed hands. You stared at him in confusion, however, you didn’t object.

Before you started walking, Hyunjin’s arms swathed around your back and knees, lifting you up in a swift motion. “Hyunjin, you don’t have to,” you object.

Hyunjin looks deeply into your eyes, a sort of surprise coating his face. Maybe because it’s the first time you’d spoken after the incident, or maybe he wasn’t about to explain how he knew your legs were technically paralyzed. However which it was, he offers you a scant smile as he begins walking.

After a while, you were in front of what looked to be a modest tavern, people wandering outside as if they’d had no worries, no concerns about the current sparse and fragmentary feud. You were still snug in Hyunjin’s hold, you nose buried into the junction of his neck and shoulder. Hyunjin doesn’t seem to mind you shrouding yourself into him, nor does he mind your hair tickling his back.

You don’t see anything after that, pretending to have drowsed off in his arms. You feel Hyunjin pry off the few coins from your hands and extend them to the hostelry manager. You hear him speak in the familiar upper-class decorum- much in contrast to his public delinquent image. But that was really just an image. He discreetly signals the man to speak quietly, but you sensed that. The next, you feel him striding up the stairs and silently unlock a door. You wanted to let him know of your pretentious slumber, because doing such with an occupied hand must’ve been so hard.

Hyunjin gently lays you down on the bed, the mattress being so soft that you sink into it. He must’ve signed for an expensive abode, you think.

“Princess,”

So much for your closed eyes.

You’re caught red-handed when you open your eyes, looking at him above. Hyunjin crouches down to your level as he speaks, “I have some things your father wanted me to inform you. If you freshen up, I’ll tell you, yes?”

There’s this delicacy in his voice that makes you feel like a toddler, like you’d cry any second if he was a tad bit harsh. But when did he even meet your father? Much less know something that you didn’t. But the mere name of the topic convinced you to do anything he’d say.

So you did go to wash up first.

But, the destiny seemed to conspire more for you, because everything was going so bad. You were utterly terrified when you coughed up blood from your throat. You’d thought it was just nausea, that the vigorous day hadn’t sat well with your body. But it wasn’t. It was so sudden, it was as if various insects were gnawing up your guts, as if your whole body was in distortion. The horror of it was so much for you, that the tears had begun flowing, along with the choked whimpers. As soon as you got out, Hyunjin enveloped you in a concerned embrace, consistently asking you if you were fine.

“I don’t know what’s happening, help me. Please.” You begged, clutching onto the materiel of his tunic. Hyunjin runs a soothing hand through your knotted hair, whispering words of consolence as his own heart cried along with you.

He knew it, he knew what was coming.

iv. (final)

“Will you protect my daughter if I’m gone?”

Hyunjin lays beside you in the warm bed, blankets ridden up to your neck and both your eyes wide open. Even though he’d woken up, none of you wanted to leave the comforts of each other. The summer rays, trajectory of the sun, warm hue of the complacent chamber- and the company of the other, it was all too hazy to wake up from. All too dreamy. “Say, you never told me what you knew about my father,” you ask.

“Oh, I suppose….” He replied. Hyunjin diverts his eyes away from yours, preparing himself for what he was going to transpire. This wasn’t really the right atmosphere to talk about such matters, but he needed to do it. Now or never. There was a long gap of silence before Hyunjin began, “Your father was a centenarian,”

He watches the side of your lips twitch, before spreading into a skeptical smile. You don’t believe him. “Are you sure that’s what you wanted to say? I think we should sleep more,” he hears you say, tugging the blanket upwards. He gently holds you wrist, “No, stop. Please listen to me,” he pleads. You wouldn’t have believed him if it were not for his pleading eyes. It was a silent supplicant, one that convinced you that he wasn’t lying in the slightest. You trusted him.

“She’s cursed, and none but you can save her,”

“He really was a centenarian. Have you never wondered about the lasting time behind the bracelet on your wrist? Never wondered why your father had been so persistent about never touching it? You probably know that you’re - damn it - you’re not normal.” Hyunjin interrogates, in an attempt to make it believable. He knew it was hard to believe, mainly when you’d lived your life in normalcy- never knowing the consequences of the forborn curse; and then you’re entangled into a supernatural prophecy. No one would really be able to take it just fine. You seem to be in deep thoughts, your eyes ghosting over his shoulders. Until, you give him a faint nod.

“But sir, I have no idea how I could do that. Please don’t get me wrong, I would do anything for her, but how?”

“He was.. part of a heretic organization who obtained aberrant magic through human sacrifices.” Hyunjin’s observing your emotions like a cautious deer caught in an ineffable trap. But he sees nothing, your eyes peer over him with monochrome, nothing to be seen and nothing to decipher.

“All that you need is a bond.”

“He reclined from them once they’d tried things beyond their ability. And then he had your mother, you. He has mentioned how you were the most precious thing that’s ever happened to him.” – to me too. He sees your eyes snap back to lock into his; he sees the unending plethora of hurt, reminisce, guilt, sadness and love all pool in your glimmering orbs like the reflection of a pure brook. Your lips turn into a deep shade of red, rosy nose taking in what was now shaky breaths. You don’t say anything and he doesn’t wait either.

“A bond?”

“But you were born with an immortal curse. Your bracelet was a temporary annulment magic from a sorcerer, which would break once you age twenty one. He was told that your curse was one that could only be broken by something- something that’s purity exceeds that of the curse’s evil.” Hyunjin pauses, “And that’s me.” it seems like you’ve never known anything like that, like you’ve never surmised the possibility of your salvation being a person. Because your saucer eyes prove him just that. He feels your hands glide to find his under the blanket, a fragile hold.

“Yes, a bond. Be it a true friends concern, a lover’s love, anything. Anything that ties you to her on a deeper, emotional level.”

“Do you think it's true? That you could break my curse?” your voice is only a level above whisper as your fingers tauten around his. Your eyes have such hope, yet such trepidation, as if the reality of him being your soul mate was bewildering. Maybe you’d lost hope when you father separated, when the consternation caressed you like an old friend. Nonetheless, you’ve never ceased to trust him.

“If you think you cannot be yourself without her, that she's become an inseparable part of you, if you love her, that’s all you need. If not, don’t even try.”

“I do.”

Hyunjin has never been so sure, has never felt this flame of certainly in his veins as he connects your forehead in a feather-like touch. He doesn’t know how the haze of your eyes is so familiar to him, how every touch, every whisper brings him to the impossible conclusion that he has always loved you- before and after, in an unknown time, a relishing place- or maybe another existence. You walked into his heart like you always belonged there, took down his walls and lit his soul on fire.

This is it.

“I swear under oath, I shall, therefore, sacrifice my heart of deity for the quietus of the evil that bore you, my love.”

Hyunjin couldn’t see anything, because the overshadowing dark mist that consumed him was impenetrable.

And before he knew it, he knew nothing.

a/n: i added the picture above if you don’t get the ending. :’)

does this need a sequel? If i get responses on that, I’ll do it.

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atxlxs · 3 years

Text

Beyond The Veil: Chapter 2

The process to set up the identity and quirk registry was laughably easy. A few dead parents there, guardianship placed under a ‘family friend’ (Eras) here, a few medical appointment files and normal average family shit and ta dah! You have a fake identity!

It took maybe a month to backdate everything and erase any feeling of fakeness from the identity. That left Eras with 3 months to go through their businesses, all under different identities that have nothing to do with each other yet are run by the same person, and take some money out of her bank account to pay for the tuition when the time comes.

When she was done, one Muska Viridis had an application to sign in on testing day and a fool proof identity for when she attended the actual school. Sure she still had to pass but considering her abilities that wouldn’t be too hard.

Eras spent the last 2 months until the exam outlining everything that would be considered for the written portion of the exam and helping Muska study. It was, sadly, the reason for the nickname “teacher mommy” that became her phone's contact name for the rest of the time before the exam and Eras hated it. Which didn’t help with getting the nickname removed at all.

When the exam day came, Eras had to drag a sleeping witch out of her bed and shoved her towards her closet to get ready. The groaning and complaints fell on deaf ears as Eras literally wore noise canceling headphones for that exact reason. Heading to her own closet in the observatory, Eras got dressed in her protective motorcycle gear since she was the one driving Muska to the school. Hell to the no were they going to ride a train with people on it.

They met at the door and Eras handed Muska the extra helmet that was black with cat ears. A tribute to Tibbles. Speaking of the familiar, Muska said good bye and started cackling after the meow that followed. Again, Eras lamented being unable to hear the cat.

They walked together to the bike, a sleek motorcycle that was black besides the neon green highlights. Muska commented on the fact that Eras was obsessed with the color which only led to a snort of acceptance. Eras was self aware afterall.

A speedy delivery got them to the School gates of the obnoxiously sized highschool and Eras could practically feel the nerves coming off her friend. Ignoring all the looks from other examinees as they saw two people riding on what looked like a motorcycle from the future dressed in all black, (Eras had 5 PhD’s, she def built a motorcycle that trumps all the others) Eras flipped up her helmets visor and stared at Muska as she hopped off and took off her helmet.

“Kick ass witch bitch,” giving a smile of encouragement, Eras suppressed a fist bump in victory when Muska snorted and stopped being as nervous as before.

“You got it Teacher Mommy.”

Eh, some things are worth the sacrifice. If Muska stops being as nervous when she cracks that joke then Eras will only glare for a few seconds.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ok, Muska thought as she approached the sign in table, just gotta kick gum and chew ass.

Stopping momentarily to gather her thoughts because that obviously was not what she meant to think, she allowed herself at least a snort and kept walking. Eras’s words followed her all the way to the written exam room and as she watched the other students file in.

Calming herself down, Muska kept all her focus on the task at hand. Vaguely she registered a green mop of hair sitting in front of her and a blond off the side of the green student. Ha, Eras would like him, she idly thought as the proctor walked in and introduced himself as the Pro hero ectoplasm.

Ignoring the excited vibrations coming off the student in front of her, she had practice with that since Eras would vibrate and gesture animatedly whenever speaking of the things she enjoyed, Muska watched as the exam booklets were passed out. Hopefully the exams were structured better to retain attention then the old standard tests in America but she had doubts.

To her surprise, the exam actually was structured differently. It was easier to read at least. At the end there were two questions that were moral based. Smart, considering she was applying for heroics.

What do you think of how today's society portrays heroes?

And

What's your opinion on the labels people put on quirks?

Oh, this was not what she was expecting. Despite being out of the loop physically, the media was always a good place to stay in touch with society. Eras was the one of the two to actually make trips into society monthly for necessities and to check up on her business attachments, yet Muska made sure to stay in touch. She really didn’t want to walk into town one day and understand nothing like a boomer.

This meant she knew exactly what to write.

When she finished those last two moral questions, she found herself finished an hour before the time was up. What the hell did Eras do to her? That was not a normal study cram if it meant she finished this early. Getting up, as was allowed, and ignoring the stares she walked up to Ectoplasm and dropped off her test before immediately leaving out the right side door to the waiting room. Not stopping to see the surprise mixed with fear on Ectoplasm's face.

(Somewhere a rat was cackling as he watched the cams to the written exam room.)

Thankfully, she was allowed to have her phone while waiting for the next part of the hero course requirement. The practical. Scrolling through her phone, she was somewhat aware of the slowly filling waiting room. It was a nice room, filled with chairs and bean bags. She was melting into a purple bean bag chair of her own, ironically her hair was the same color so it added to the effect.

An hour and a half passed before the group of examinees that stayed behind for the practical portion were led to a theater where an obnoxiously loud hero called Present Mic called their attention. Muska snuck a picture and sent it to Eras and said “Present Mic? Presentation Microphone.” not waiting for the response since she knew what to expect, Muska paid attention to the lecture.

A few “YEAHS?!?!?!?” That fell on stressed students with no outward reaction later, a boy with navy blue hair and robotic movements stood up with a raised hand. She already hated him.

After Presentation Microphone called on him with a “Yes Little Listener!?” Muska had to sit through one of the worst types of questions she had ever heard, literally they have an exam brief packet he was getting to that robot, and a fucking ettiqute lesson that was definitely not deserved.

She took her foot off of the empty seat in front of her and slammed it onto the floor. The steel toed combat boots caused a resounding sharp thud that silenced the students as she leaned back and spoke.

“Now I don’t know exactly why your panties are in a twist but Presentation Microphone over there was getting to the section of the packet if you would just shut up and wait. What are you going to do as a real hero? Rush the debriefer? Also, did you seriously call out someone for muttering and saying they're not serious about the exam when that's a natural way for some people to think? What did you want him to do? To not take this seriously just to be quiet? Unruly hair too? That's just rude, do you not know what the word curly means? Shut up you pretentious asshole.”

The navy blue boy in question was left a spluttering mess as he slowly descended into his seat. Present Mic looked stunned on stage before he hid a snort with his hand, which Muska definitely noticed, and shook his head before grabbing the students attention to continue. She could have sworn that the Blond hottie that she noticed before was shaking a bit with restrained laughter. Huh.

After skimping on the locker room, she never went to any middle school still in existence so she wore athletic gear to the exam, Muska loaded onto the bus for her exam site and waited until they were finally moving. She noticed that blue boy was also on her bus, still seeming shocked by what transpired earlier and Greenie was sparing her glances filled with curiosity and awe. Oh god, attention.

Thankfully, after her show earlier, people avoided talking to her. She walked up to the front near the gate and had the perfect view of a now normal again blue boy heading towards Greenie who seemed to have something to say to someone up front near her. Making sure he felt it, Muska glared. Putting a bit of energy behind it so that the boy felt it. Indeed, blue felt it and started to look around as Greenie escaped without knowing it. When the blue boy's attention landed on her he jumped. A feeling of satisfaction followed as he immediately avoided doing what he was about too.

Turns out, Greenie wanted to thank a bobbed brunette with permanent blush for saving him from tripping earlier. Wow, so nefarious. Suddenly Present Mic called out for attention and merely said ‘go’.

Fueled by chaotic energy and the ability to complain if she was wrong, Muska immediately set off into a sprint into the city to find a high building to crouch on. She noticed greenie had done the same and soon Blue passed by with car-like speed.

Ah, a speed quirk.

Deciding on a building of interest, Muska scaled it with help from the energy that surrounded her. She could feel that she really needed to use her quirk more often considering it was draining faster than she expected. She had enough to take out some scraps of metal but not enough to use continuously to enhance her physically. Thankfully, having a vampire best friend meant she had to be at least better than normal athletically. Eras, the bastard, didn’t have the word fatigue in their vocabulary. Being dead had perks.

Plus they lived on a mountain. Even walking was a form of exercise.

After scouting where she wanted to go, Muska made her way through back alley areas that were neglected and filled with 2 and 3 pointers. Perfect prey. Borrowing from Eras’s vocabulary, it was time to hunt.

Scraped robot after scraped robot, Muska lost count about how many points she had grabbed, time passing by fast yet indescribably slow at the same time. Soon enough, a rumble followed by shaking ground followed the 5 minute warning. Turning her attention up, past the buildings guarding the alley way she was in, she saw a fucking skyscraper of a robot.

What kind of high school exam bullshit is this????

Suddenly, the energy in the air and surrounding harmony spiked, gathering nearby into the shape of a person who was charging towards the robot. Dropping what she was doing, Muska ran. The energy was impressive. The largest she has ever seen used before and that's saying something.

Once she reached the open main road where the 0-pointer was terrorizing innocents, Muska sucked in a harsh breath. Brown hair was stuck under a slab and greenie was the origin of all that energy. It was pouring directly into his fist and legs, none of it staying in the main body as protection for whatever they were going to do. She cursed and started running towards brown hair first. She wasn’t going to be able to convince greenie in time to save his limbs if she wanted to help out Brown from being turned into a concrete slab.

Reaching the girl just as Greenie jumped and Muska had the sinking realization that they did in fact break their limbs, Muska flipped the concrete off and assessed the damage. A small fracture in her left ankle but otherwise unharmed. Nausea, but that looks to be quirk exhaustion in effect. Lightly touching the ankle, Muska focused on mending the bone beneath the skin, welding it back together and accelerating the healing.

Just as the girl's face started to lose some of it’s pale pain filled expression, Muska saw the exact moment when she looked up and probably saw Greenie do whatever caused that loud slam.

Suddenly, Brownie jumped up and slapped something, hard. Snapping her gaze up, Muska caught sight of greenie, positioned to slam into the ground, with a broken arm and legs, floating.

“Oh? Guess your quirk can turn obviously injured people into kites huh?” Muska said, all snark and sarcasm like usual. Newly dubbed GravityGirl looked like the snort she gave in response hurt, which while nauseous probably did.

Walking over and holding her arms out underneath greenie, Muska nodded to GravityGirl to release her quirk, leaving Greenie to fall into her arms bridal style. All knight in shining arm vibes as well.

“Hey Green, what the fuck were you thinking not protecting your body from that much energy?” Muska asked, there was obviously enough power in whatever greenie did (probably punched the bot) to wreck a city block let alone a robot designed to be destroyed.

Greenie looked shocked and devolved into a stuttering apology for whatever reason and Muska sighed. Then his eyes lit up and he went off on a tangent of questions about Muska’s probable quirk and what it probably could do.

Muska just nodded and listened as she sent a questioning glance to GravityGirl who gave a thumbs up despite the pale face. Feeling for Recovery Girl's presence, Muska jerked her head in the nurses direction and walked with Greenie still in her arms. Not that the guy could walk if he was put down.

When Greenie noticed he was rambling he slapped a hand over his mouth and started apologizing for bothering her, which didn’t sit well with Muska. That was a red flag.

“It's fine green, My quirks called energy manipulation which I can use in several ways,” Muska started, technically the healing wasn’t her quirk but that didn’t need to be known, “I can use it to sense other energy, make myself invisible, make a forcefield as a shield, and solidify it to act as solid ground in the air as well as boost myself physically in needed scenarios like climbing a wall, etcetera.”

“That's so cool! And oh my god I started rambling about your quirk despite not even telling you my name! I didn’t get to thank you earlier as well for defending me! My name's Midoriya Izuku.”

Whelp, greenies got a very green name, Muska thought with a suppressed snort.

“My name's Mus- well I guess I should introduce myself as Viridis Muska here. I’m used to first names then last. How about you GravityGirl?”

Said girl perked up at being included and smiled a million watt smile.

“Uraraka Ochako! GravityGirl is an adorable nickname! I've been wanting that as my hero title since I was a kid! But wait, used to introducing your first name before last? Are you not from japan?” She asked, tilting her head despite her wobbly steps to follow.

“Yea, I'm from Canada but I’ve been in japan for a few years now. Old habits die hard.”

They walked with small talk towards Recovery girl, Midoriya was still stuttering hard though so that's another red flag. It didn’t feel like shyness and more like learned nervousness. However, unless they saw each other in school, she couldn’t do much about it. When they came up to Recovery girl, Muska watched bemused as the older woman ripped into them for not being careful with themselves. Especially Midoriya. Muska was able to get away scott free and with some extra energizing gummies that were interesting. Maybe she could use them for something or at least figure out how they were made.

As she headed to the gate, Muska caught sight of a familiar figure leaned up against a motorcycle off the the left in front of the gate. The last bits of tension left her shoulders as she approached.

“How’d it go?” Eras asked, helmet still on and hiding her facial expression but the smirk could be heard in the tone.

Swatting a shoulder as she grabbed the extra helmet she sighed.

“Thanks to your personal version of hell and undead perks, The written exam was a breeze and I was more than ready for a light jog with the occasional scuffle with fucking robots.”

Eras laughed as she sat on the seat of the bike, turning the vehicle on and removing the peg. Muska slipped on and grabbed the hidden handles on Eras’s leather jacket. A personal touch so that she would have easy access to something to hold on to.

“Sounds like a blast, victory playlist?”

“Victory playlist.”

Shuffling to find the specific playlist, Eras connected to both of their helmets that had bluetooth in them so they could talk to each other and listen to music. Once started, Eras revved the bike once, startling nearby students.

Before they left, however, Muska spotted Midoriya and Hottie on their way out of the gate. Mido seemed to be trying to talk to the annoyed blond with little success. Flipping up her visor and tapping Eras to wait, Muska waved to them. The blond looked confused but also curious and Midoriya lit up like a thousand suns.

“Hey Midoriya, try not to break anything next time if you get in, wouldn’t want to harm that cute face huh?” She called out with a smirk. Eras turned her covered head to their direction and despite having a hidden face, the movement back and forth between them was universal language for confusion.

Midoriya stammered out an affirmative with a bright red blush and covered his face with his arms. The blond seemed annoyed so Muska made a decision. Deciding to be bold, she lost any and all social shame after the first century, muska called out to the blond as well.

“Hey blondie, hope to see you soon, it’d be a loss to not see that face again.”

Decidedly, confusion must not be normal in the blonds life if their face was any indication. He looked like the old math lady meme in the funniest of ways. Without allowing a response, Eras kicked the bike into gear. Knowing Muska wanted the dramatics of it. As they drove away, Muska gave a sly small tilt of the hand to come across as a wave as the gate to UA turned into a small speck in the distance.

#mha fanfiction #mha #bnha #mha oc

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girlsbtrs · 3 years

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Me, Taylor, and The Search for Musical Legitimacy

Written by Lila Danielsen-Wong. Graphic by James Nida Grey.

As a child, whenever I took art classes, they were full of girls. I took group piano lessons with four other girls from my neighborhood. Any theatre I was involved in casted regardless of gender because there were never enough boys to fit a show. My middle school orchestra was about three quarters girls.

It came as a shock that when I started getting involved in any songwriting I could do, I was suddenly in the minority. The few all-ages open mics I could go to were set up by dad-types and primarily populated by their friends of the same demographic. Teenage rock band-type boys dominated the non-classical learning spaces.

However, this isn’t about them, this is about me, Lila Danielsen-Wong, a girl you’ve probably never heard of, and a girl you probably have heard of. Her name is Taylor Swift.

In 2010, I was a sixth-grade latchkey kid who spent a whole lot of time watching music videos on YouTube. Taylor Swift had just released her third studio album, Speak Now. Although many girls my age had been enchanted by Fearless, I was a pretentious and precocious preteen who was resistant to popular things, and was much more interested in niche Boston folk singer-songwriters like Antje Duvekot and Lori McKenna.

However, niche Boston folk singer-songwriters don’t really make lots of YouTube content geared at middle schoolers, so the YouTube recommendations led me from my folk corner, to The Band Perry, to a song called White Horse.

This snowballed into me listening to every Taylor Swift song on Youtube, to learning to play the piano chords to each of them, to writing complete songs of my own. Although I’d been writing simple piano melodies for years, songwriting now occupied every corner of my brain in nearly every free moment. When I learned Dear John, I decided it didn’t sound as good on piano, so I decided I needed to play it on guitar. I snuck into my mother’s room and learned to play an E chord. Soon, all I did was practice guitar and write songs. I wanted to write like she did, to articulate my feelings as well as she did, so precisely that everyone who listened understood not only me, but themselves better. However, I was not ready to publicly be someone who listened to Taylor Swift. Occasionally a YouTube comment would remove me from Taylor world and remind me “All of her fans are teenage girls.” At eleven I didn’t have the words or the context to understand why that so briskly discredited her. I knew it was an insult, and I knew it was an insult that worked.

Flash forward two years, I was one of the youngest writers at a summer songwriter lab geared toward teens that one of the local theatres held yearly. Remember the rock boys I was talking about? This is when we became acquainted. We had just come back from writing songs in our randomly assigned groups. I had a hard time contributing, being a not-quite-high-schooler who’d never tried co-writing. One of the older girls was talking to the rock boys and I remember the conversation word for word. One of the rock boys asked her how the session went. She responded “eh, it was all girls,” to which the boy said “mine too, a lot of just-singer girls, you know cause of like, Taylor Swift.” They laughed and went on to complain about the younger songwriter girls who “don’t even know what they were doing.”

The conversation they were having, “Taylor Swift, a frivolous girly artist, is encouraging frivolous girls to come into our serious artist spaces and making them frivolous,” stuck with me through my teen years, and it wasn’t until recently that I started to understand. Taylor Swift found success because she could connect with girls like me, and I found my absolute favorite thing, my life calling, because of Taylor Swift; but Taylor Swift was being discredited because of me, and I was being discredited because of Taylor Swift.

In older interviews, Taylor talks about how after the first time she went to Nashville to pitch herself to labels, she heard nothing. So she decided she needed to be different, and that’s when she started writing songs. At that moment, I realized that I was going to have to be (crucify me) “not like other girls” if I wanted to be taken seriously or have my ideas heard. The next day I came back to the young songwriters lab with my viola instead of my guitar, and managed to finesse my way into playing on nearly half the songs in the showcase.

I don’t need a list of MLA cited sources to explain that art geared to girls and young women is dismissed. It is not a hot take to say that art created by young women is often instantly devalued. Taylor Swift wrote music about girls and young women for girls and young women, and she didn’t have much interest in being a sex symbol. Not that there’s anything wrong with female artists who use their sexuality, but Taylor Swift gave the men who gate-keep musical legitimacy nothing they wanted from her. Still, she wrote Speak Now with no co-writers before she was old enough to legally drink. She followed it up with Red, a diverse transition album that showed off her songwriting range. 1989 broke records, started an 80’s pop revival and seamlessly transitioned her into pop. Taylor Swift was everywhere, and yet I heard the same things echo.

“She isn’t a real artist because she only writes about relationships.”

“Her audience is just rabid fans who don’t know anything about real music.”

“She’s just a pop star who won’t stand the test of time.”

I spent the tail end of 2015 writing songs that emulated the rhythmic lyrics of 1989, but if anyone asked who my musical influences were, I’d often omit her and stick with niche Boston folk singer-songwriters. Me and my music were not going to get pegged as a naive and shallow fangirl.

It was my freshman year of college. I was at my local state school because I couldn’t really afford to go to any of the music programs I wanted to go to, when I ran into a friend who I knew from the songwriting labs. She invited me to the guitar club that she ran, and of course I went. Although the rock boys weren’t the majority numbers wise, they dominated the room. They asked about my beat up Guild guitar. Impressed with how I inherited it from a rocker guy my dad works with, they encouraged me to play a song. I pulled out my most meticulously crafted coming-of-age ballad, and let them hear my line, “we’re all cynics and romantics, it’s semiotics and semantics,” to which they responded “cute song.”

With the release of Folklore and Evermore, there’s been a shift. After teaming up with Aaron Desner of the National and Bon Iver, Taylor got a bit of that male approval that she never really needed. Pitchfork commented, with surprise, that Folklore showed “some real signs of maturity.” Each album that an artist releases should probably be more mature than the last. Surprise at lyrical maturity from a 30-year-old songwriter who penned lines like “you come away with a great little story of a mess of a dreamer with the nerve to adore you” as a teen, comes across a little underhanded.

Much of the next generation of musicians have been influenced by Taylor. Conan Grey’s TikTok hit Heather was based on Last Kiss. Rising it-girl Olivia Rodrigo is a hardcore fan. Even Phoebe Bridgers, who has been memed as “Taylor Swift for girls with crumbs in their beds” or “Taylor Swift for people whose parents still love each other” lists Taylor Swift as an influence. Although this new shift is one for Taylor Swift and not a change in the ingrained biases against women and their art, I wonder if it’s going to trickle down to the artists she influenced.

My favorite line in Evermore, Swift’s latest studio album ft. sad dad rock, comes in the second verse of Coney Island. In this song, Matt Berninger of The National slides in and out, singing lines in less predictable blocks than in other Swift collaborations. Together, Swift and Berninger coo “do you miss the rogue who coaxed you into paradise and left you there/will you forgive my soul when you’re too wise to trust me and too old to care.” It’s funny to hear one of the world’s biggest superstars share a line so monumental to the album. I wonder if it’s because she knows how much louder it will be when a man is holding up the low ends.

#lila danielsen wong

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epicpastefailure · 4 years

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Finally, that long pan-to-bi story.

The only reason I changed from bi to pan in the first place is I believed the hype about pan being more inclusive and I'm not wedded to a Type, so I thought it fit better. I actually didn't have any animosity towards bisexuality because I was already happily identifying as bi by the time I came across this discourse, though ages before that I briefly hesitated on doing so because I knew I preferred men and didn't want to be saying something that wasn't true "just to look cool or something". (Didn't realize as a young one it's not about raw numbers.) I bring that up only because I'm the type of person who wants to be extra-sure a label is correct before I apply it to me - meaning that if I had known in advance about real bi history I certainly wouldn't have changed in the first place.

The change to pan was during some of the earliest days of tumblr, something like 2012~2014, back when I was much more credulous than I am now and assuming the people making lists and infographics about LGBT things were both well-informed and also acting in good faith, when it's clear now that a lot of them were at the least not well-informed. I also happened to be fortunate enough to be among people, parents included, who had no problem with my sexuality, so I wasn't thinking very critically about my labels and the history behind them except to choose what seemed to be the most "accurate". What changed my mind was continually encountering bi people explaining why they preferred bi to pan (one irritated person finding pan- identifiers to represent "one more person who decided bi wasn't good enough"; even when I wasn't ready to retract yet, that stuck with me), explaining that bi didn't mean the things that non-bisexuals had decided it meant and never meant those things, and it finally occurred to me:

"Well, to me it's a complicated question, because if bi- is not to mean "two" or to necessarily imply a limitation then I don't see a real point to pan- anymore, and this is as somebody who would call myself pansexual. There's no functional difference between "I'm into all genders" and "gender doesn't matter to me", though a difference is there. The way that pan would make sense as distinct is as a way of saying the person has no type, no preferences or no strong ones. Like a bi person might still have a look or a personality they prefer in a partner, but with a pan person all you really need to do is "click" with someone. But if even that definition doesn't work, then pan is pretty much unnecessary."

I have no idea what circa I wrote that (more than a couple of years ago) but I clearly intended to post it as a response to something, and never got around to it. I even forgot that I had already parsed all this out until recently.

After getting past that point, the only reason I didn't ditch pan sooner is, I admit, liking the flag better, since CMY(+K) = full color spectrum (although I knew that's not the original intent of the choices, it just ended up that way) and I disliked the bi colors. I mean, it wasn't just "I don't like this as much as that", back then I thought the bi flag was just outright ugly. Didn't like the "drab look", didn't like the colors, didn't feel a connection to it at all (when I didn't know what the symbolism was). Pan's was brighter and "more beautiful" and more pleasing... (putting it that way, it seems like my reactions to the flags more or less mirror those of pan identifiers who take a dim view of what they think bisexuality is, looks like, and means). And it did factor into why I jumped ship to pan all those years ago, maybe more strongly than being led to believe pan was "more accurate".

May I digress about that? I guess because that's the motivation for more than a few people, it is pretty relevant. I've been slowly getting over it because when I paused to really look at them, the bi colors are actually very nice - it seems I just didn't like the plum-ish lavender between the magenta and blue. I've seen a version of the flag with a way prettier lavender shade I actually like (but the flag's creator's only request was to keep the shades consistent, so I must). The result of the symbolism of the color choices, though, is actually very close to how I instinctively felt about bisexuality and the exact nature of the genuine pride I take in/joy I feel about being bi, having all doors open to me. What is there not to like?

Even then just over the flag is not a good reason to have a whole other label for the exact same sexuality. I guess it was just hard for me to get past my gut reaction and realize that, 'cause I don't like to realize I've been wrong/misguided for really silly reasons even if it's been a long time and I've learned and changed since then. (I have to be honest, too, the symbolism of the pan flag is not only less coherent than the bi flag's (by focusing on divisions instead of blending and mixing), but seems to have led some people to assume that the bi flag uses the same type of symbolism, when it's actually one of the ones that doesn't use gendered/gender-role-based colors at all (which I like). I actually saw a bi-identified person say "The purple stripe on the bi flag is meant to represent attraction to nb genders"... no, that's not even close to what it means...)

So just a few months ago, before I even had any clue about the huge pushback going on, I finally cut the cord and jettisoned pan, even the colors. Not before buying a couple pan flag things at a ComiCon, unfortunately, but one I would have gotten anyway because it was the pan colors with the words "Pretentious Bisexual". I thought that was perfect and had no idea that was Shots Fired at the time, lol.

Had I known back then what big problems pansexuality has been causing for bisexuality I wouldn't have waffled for as long as I did. But I have to say, even if I still ID'd as pan, I wouldn't think it's "erasure" or "-phobia" to acknowledge that in the modern use it's another word for bi, because that is a true fact (and one I was kind of already aware of even back then; for instance when labelling my own bisexual characters, even "being pan" I couldn't just say they were pan since bi was "so close to the same thing" and I never wanted to throw bisexuality under the bus by excluding it when it could apply. I always said "bi/pan"). And even if someone disagrees they shouldn't shit on bi people, holy fuck, and then go on to wonder why people find "pan" to be anti-bi.

(It IS biphobic anyway, because as pointed out bi has historically meant what pan was "supposed to fix about it". Nobody's saying IDing as pan is inherently a violent attack, it's fully possible to be biphobic out of simple ignorance. It's okay; you can fix it.)

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galaxae · 3 years

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3, 7 and 18 for as many as you can answer; btw do you still have an ocs page? like with introductions and all that

wow this took forever oops!

tysm for the ask!! i’ve been meaning to make a carrd or something with oc intros, but i have so goddamn many ocs and so little time now that i’m in college and all that. and i have the code saved from my old pages before i remade, but those are kind of outdated and incomplete

that being said i’m probably gonna end up making that carrd regardless of how busy i am cause special interest indulgence and all that, so i’ll post about it when i do

anyway! i’m putting the actual oc answers under a readmore because i’m gonna try to do all the ocs i listed and it’ll be kinda long lol

3. What does your oc’s voice sound like? (Or, if you have one, what’s their voiceclaim?) Can they sing, whistle, or roll their rs? Do they have any speech impediments or notable dialects/accents?

how does one even describe voices... ok here goes

avani: she’s my character for a ttrpg campaign, so her voice sounds basically like mine (which might not help much cause you don’t know how i talk lol), but when i’m talking as her i pitch my voice up a bit and make it a bit more nasally. she’s not much of a singer, nor can she whistle, but she can roll her r’s pretty well. also, since she’s autistic and hard of hearing, her tone of voice often comes off the "wrong” way

farhan: he’s another ttrpg character i play lol, or at least he will be next semester, so his voice is again kind of like mine. but when i talk as him i pitch my voice down and it’s a bit hoarse. ig his voice would also be more “masculine” than mine but whatever. he can sing and whistle but has a pretty small vocal range (since he’s, like, 13 right now and will be 16 when i rp him next semester)

carter: i imagine his voice as low and on the quiet and raspy end, with a tiny bit of a lisp. he’s way too insecure to try to sing or even whistle or anything like that, though if he practiced at it he’d probably get pretty good

calira: she’s mute so n/a i guess. but she talks pretty formally in her dialect of elvish sign language, which is definitely unusual

sam: they have kind of a low voice that’s also raspy, but with quite a bit of pep and variation in their tone. they can even sing pretty well and they like to whistle constantly while working. that creates some kind of whiplash cause sam comes off as a typical edgy teen a lot of the time

jizoriel: high-pitched with lots of voice cracks, peak pretentious preteen/early teen jerkass. he can’t really sing or do anything similar, nor does he want to very much

victoria: so quiet and raspy that you can barely make out that it’s low and has a soothing and pleasant tone to it. she can sing well, or at least she could once upon a time

rowan: just! the happiest and most cheerful voice you can imagine! so much love behind how she talks! her voice fills up her whole head and the whole room!! and she whistles sometimes while she walks

ace: defies any masculine or feminine labels, smooth and cool in theory but they stutter quite a bit

charity: gruff but with a hint of cheer and clarity behind it that comes out when she’s startled. she loves to sing but can’t whistle and can’t roll her r’s either

jamal: i actually have a voiceclaim for him! it’s this (the voice that sings from 1:51 to 1:58)

kimberly: her voice is a bit high and a bit... idk how to say it exactly... i guess shrill would be the word?

fabián: his voice seems higher-pitched than it actually is cause he talks higher when he’s anxious, and he’s always anxious. it’s a bit hard to describe his voice otherwise tbh. i can hear it in my head but i can’t quite put it to paper oops. oh yeah also he has a great singing voice but never uses it sooo

7. What song reminds you of this oc? Does this match up with the type of music your oc likes to listen to?

this question opens up a wormhole cause i have playlists for many of these guys but instead i’ll just provide one (1) song for each and vaguely describe their music taste, how does that sound

avani: honestly “mr. capgras encounters a secondhand vanity” by will wood is a “her” song to me. her music taste leans a lot more toward older music though (like some classics from the 70s and 80s and such)

farhan: he’s still very new so i haven’t really found a song for him yet. but i know he absolutely loves peppy and energetic pop music and also sappy gay love songs

carter: (slaps my hand away when i try to type another will wood song) “fantasy island” by the shins always launches me into daydreams about him. which kinda roughly aligns with his music taste, he listens to a lot of those “mainstream indie” artists. he’d also listen to will wood because he’s gay and mentally ill <3

calira: one of my favorite songs on her playlist is “maximillian von spee” by dirt poor robins. but the music she listens to is basically all invigorating church-loving stuff with medieval-era instruments lmao

sam: “sometimes” by nick lutsko is an absolute bop and very much a sam song. sam actually doesn’t go out of their way to listen to music though, but when they do they listen to either the most soothing and relaxing stuff or to the angriest metal emo music. no in between

jizoriel: i’ll go the less emo angle here and say a song that reminds me of him is “upside down” by jack johnson. jizoriel’s music taste is like. old choir music and shit plus incomprehensible magical music that doesn’t even sound like music. if he was from earth he’d like my chemical romance

victoria and rowan: i’m grouping these two together here because a song that reminds me very strongly of both of them/their relationship is “human” by dodie. which actually fits very well into both of their music tastes!

ace: again, going the less edgy angle here, “auntie earth” by walter mitty and his makeshift orchestra. but ace mostly listens to uh, classical flute music and flute covers

charity: absolutely “dance and cry” by mother mother, that’s pretty much her theme song. it’s among her favorite songs in canon too

jamal: “tire swing” by los elk, since his arc is about letting go of childhood and all that jazz. he’s more inclined to listen to fun. and other pop artists and rappers and such. he likes janelle monae

kimberly: “best tears” by the happy fits for sure. in terms of her music taste though, her taste is pretty similar to jamal’s. they bond over being janelle monae fans

fabián: by god does “heal” by so much light fit him. his taste is that he rotates through three (3) specific obscure indie artists lmao, so theoretically i guess that specific song is included in there

18. How does your oc see themself? How does this compare to the way other ocs see them?

i am gonna do my best to keep these short cause this is a loaded question for all of them hoo boy

avani: how she sees herself: honestly the worst person alive. unless she spends every moment of her time trying to make up for what she’s done, she’s worthless, and she doesn’t deserve to love herself in any capacity how others see her: her brother (farhan) really looks up to her! most of the time. the superhero team she’s on (other people’s ocs) all think she’s generally smart and capable enough, and her boyfriend in particular thinks she’s incredible

farhan: how he sees himself: as of right now? a misunderstood emo middle schooler who’s still kind of cool i guess how others see him: his sister (avani) thinks he’s quite an impressive and charismatic young man

carter: how he sees himself: 1/10 awkward and annoying how others see him: carter reminds calira too much of her old self, so she love-hates him. sam thinks he’s weak and cowardly but admires his kindness. and jizoriel clings to him as a caring father figure and loves carter’s passion for natural studies

calira: how she sees herself: it goes back and forth between “i’m the greatest chosen one ever im such a strong warrior” and “wow i’m literal trash why did the gods pick me for this” how others see her: carter is a bit intimidated by her but appreciates her attempts to vibe with him, sam thinks she’s an annoying pretentious self-important bitch (but their opinion softens over time), and jizoriel sees right through her facade and feels comfortable around her because of it

sam: how they see themself: evil and in need of redemption, kind of similar to avani ig but with 10x more confidence in their skills and also much more violent how others see them: carter knows theyre doing their best even if theyre kind of an asshole, calira is a fan of their strength and determination, and jizoriel Hates Their Guts (at first) because they baby him too much

jizoriel: how he sees himself: a fucking fraud of a prince. all he has going for him is his abilities as a mage, but even then those are shaky how others see him: carter knows he’s very insecure and wants to comfort him, calira admires his magical prowess and noble air, and sam thinks he’s a snarky little pretentious douchebag but also he reminds them of their late brother and they want to protect him at all costs

victoria: how she sees herself: basically dead. only good for interacting with ghosts. not worthy of the human world or of friendship how others see her: she reminds rowan of her old self. rowan sees a glimmer of love and hope in her and wants to bring it out

rowan: how she sees herself: a fucking mess but she’s trying her best and that’s what counts! how others see her: victoria very much appreciates her cheerful air even if she doesn’t act like it

ace: how they see themself: way too weird to be human, way too weak not to be. their self-image changes constantly. theyre very confused about everything please help how others see them: charity is literally dating them lol she thinks theyre the cutest person alive, jamal appreciates how hard they try as a friend, kimberly thinks theyre an alien invader whom she can study and use to get further in life, and fabián knows more about ace than anyone else and loves them for it

charity: how she sees herself: a Teenager who’s struggling. she desperately wants to be young without the burden of her trauma but whether she thinks of herself as emo and sad and angry or not depends a lot on her mood how others see her: ace adores everything about her, jamal loves how cool and fun and sociable she can be, kimberly is annoyed with her rebelliousness, and fabián worries very much for her well-being and can’t shake the image of her as helpless (oops that’s gonna cause some drama)

jamal: how he sees himself: just a chill guy trying to get by. unremarkable. how others see him: ace is grateful for how forgiving he can be but is still terrified of him being angry over [spoilers], charity loves how sociable and fun he is and how protective he can be of his friends, kimberly secretly envies his carefree nature, and fabián sees him as a solid acquaintance to whom he did not give a good first impression

kimberly: how she sees herself: not good! if she can’t grow up fast and do science well then she’s useless how others see her: ace wants to be friends with her but doesn’t know how to do that, charity is annoyed by her rule-bound-ness, jamal thinks she’s cool but should unwind a little, and fabián resents her at first but would still like to play chess with her sometime

fabián: how he sees himself: he has a moral responsibility to help people Or Else. way too anxious and stuck up but he doesn’t know how to change that how others see him: ace fuckin Loves this guy, charity loves him too but she gets pissed when he tries to help her with anything, jamal genuinely thinks he’s a great guy and wants to get to know him better, and kimberly is actually impressed by him and envies his apparent confidence and charisma

ok ok that’s it i promise. sorry this is so long and tysm for reading if you made it this far!! feel free to ask more oc questions literally whenever, that goes for anyone reading this <3

#pey talks #ocs tag #this was so fun to write thank you for asking ;-;#ace #avani #calira #carter #charity #fabián #farhan #jamal #jizoriel #kimberly #sam

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staticscreenwriting · 5 years

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the beginning and end of everything - one

Synopsis: Roger likes books and coffee and pretty girls. Part 1 of ?

Inspiration: My love for books with long pretentious words and a post by @briansclogss called “A Concept: Going to the Bookstore with Roger”. Gotta give credit where credit is due :)

Note: I am German. Sometimes I get the tense wrong or make mistakes. I am useless when it comes to punctuation. Go easy on me, please. If you liked this part and wanna help me out, please consider a reblog. Thank you.

“I love her, and that's the beginning and end of everything.”

― F. Scott Fitzgerald, Dear Scott, Dearest Zelda: The Love Letters of F. Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald

When people think of London, they don’t usually picture vibrant blue skies and sunshine that covers the whole city in gorgeous hues of golds and oranges. And today was anything to go by, Roger could see why that was.

The sky was covered in dark grey clouds, heavy with rain. Winds were coming in from east and west, blowing his blond hair in every direction making it look even more unruly that it naturally did.

He could feel the first drops of water crashing down onto his shoulders as he maneuvered his way through yet another narrow alleyway. He wasn’t home in this part of the city and it all looked kinda similar. Bricks on bricks on bricks. Really, it was his own fault. They’d played a gig last night and, Roger being Roger, he’d caught the eye of some gorgeous redhead by the bar. So a few shots down and he found himself in her bed somewhere in the east side of London. And though he’d been around here a few times, her flat had been nestled in the back end of some unknown alley. The street name he hadn’t been able to pick up in his drunken haze either.

So here he was, hungover, bit lost and about to be soaked.

His eyes wandered around the nearby buildings, all looking slightly the same. There had not been a single tube station in sight since he’d left the girl’s flat and at this point he started to desperately crave some kind of breakfast and a drink to wash down the taste of last night’s whiskey still pelting his tongue.

And as if god had heard his silent pleas and decided to mock him just a little bit more, the skies opened up to a thundering storm. Rain kept falling faster and harder, soaking through his jacket and making his hair cling to his face in wet streaks.

Turning down yet another street, Roger was faced with yet more brick walls and shop windows of various antique stores selling artistically designed door knobs and lampshades. Until his eyes landed on a brightly lit sign above one of the stores.

In warm yellow light, breaking through the grey of the sky, the sign advertised “ the little lantern café and bookstore”. And Coffee sounded like a heaven sent right now.

Picking up his step a little, Roger hurried towards the door, making the bell chime as he entered the little shop. The first thing he noticed, was the smell of freshly brewed coffee flowing through the building. A homely warmth wrapped around him as he stepped inside the main room. The place wasn’t huge, just a few tables and a bench by the window, but it seemed comfortable and cute. The furniture was made of dark wood and there were shelves over shelves going down the entire left side of the place, stacked with books, some of which seemed brand new, some of which seemed like they had been through a few hands in their lifetime.

The ceiling, he noticed then, was painted a dark blue color, almost exactly replicating a night sky. Nylon strings were attached to the ceiling and hung from them were lanterns in all shapes and sizes emitting a warm glow.

Roger liked the place, he decided. It felt oddly familiar. Like something he would see in some cheesy romance movie only it looked way less cheesy in real life.

“ I’ll be with you in a second “ a voice called out from behind a counter in the back of the place, where Roger assume was the kitchen. “ please take a seat. “

So that’s what he did. Sitting down on the bench by the window and watching the rain pour down outside.

“ Sorry it took me so long I — oh dear, you’re soaked “ turning back around, Roger came face to face with a girl who seemed to be around his age. The lanterns cast a ring of golden light around her and Roger couldn’t help but let a smile tug on the corner of his lips. Maybe god sent him rain as a punishment but it seemed like he also sent him an Angel and he thought that truly made up for it.

“ I uh — it’s alright. “

“ You’re gonna get a cold. Let me just — “ and before Roger could even answer, she was already gone again, fumbling around the counter. “ There’s a menu on the table feel free to pick out what you like. “

He thought he voice fit her. It sounded warm and gentle. Her voice sounded just like this placed felt.

Thumbing through the menu, Roger decided on a black coffee. Maybe that would finally wake him up a little. As the girl kept doing whatever she was doing, Roger took it upon himself to walk over towards the bookshelves. Some of them, the ones holding the newer books, were labeled. They went from historical fiction to science fiction to romance and non-fiction. The ones with older books, were what really caught his attention though. He couldn’t help but wonder what these books had been through. What roles they had played in other people’s lives. How they had influenced those people.

He often found himself wandering down a mental road that lead him nowhere. One in which he wondered just what kind of influence his music had on people. What influence it would have one day. If it would ever mean as much to people as these books did at some point. He wondered if his music would ever be someone’s personal soundtrack. If his songs would ever make people think back to certain memories in their lives that lay long forgotten in the back of their hearts. He wondered if his music would ever make people feel — something.

“ Here you go. I can not watch you shivering, it breaks my heart. Please dry yourself off. “

The girl exclaimed and reached out towards him, holding out a fluffy white towel.

“ Sorry that’s all I can offer you. But I’m sure a warm drink is gonna do the trick. Have you decided on anything ? “

“ Just a black coffee please. And uh — thank you for this. “ Roger replied, holding up the towel before ruffling his hair to get it to dry at least a bit.

“ It’s nothing, really. Would you like anything to eat ? “

The thought of some greasy bacon or a good helping of scrambled eggs, made Roger’s stomach grumble. He could really go for some of that. Though he knew for a fact that the money he had with him was just about enough to cover the coffee and a ride home if he ever managed to find a tube station.

“ I don’t really have enough money on me right now. Left my wallet inside my friend’s car, you know. Thank you though. “

She just nodded, a smile on her face that was radiating with warmth. “ Alright, coming right up. “

Roger took one of the used books from the shelves and sits back on the bench by the window. The storm was still raging outside with unprecedented fury, creating a complete contrast to the utter calm and undeniable warmth he found in this little café at the end of an alleyway made of bricks.

“ There you go “ the girl showed up again, placing before him a steaming cup of coffee and a plate full of eggs and bacon.

“ I said I didn’t — “

“ It’s on the house.”

“ Love, you don’t — “

“ I know I don’t have to. But I want to. You look cold and hungry and, no offence, a bit hungover. Let me do my good deed of the day, please. “

And when she gave him a smile so radiant it put the lanterns to shame, Roger couldn’t help but nod and smile back, “ thank you “.

“ You’re welcome, oh Frankenstein “.

Roger glanced down at the book in his hands, to be completely honest, he hadn’t really paid attention to which book he had grabbed from the shelves. All he noticed was how old and worn out the book had looked and the creepy black trees on the spine.

“ Is it any good ? “

The girl just shrugged her shoulders and granted him a half smile. Usually Roger thought half smiles were absolute shit. A smile should mean something right, and if you only had it in you to smile halfway, maybe don’t smile at all.

But her smile, even if it was only half of it, seemed like it was worth a hundred full-on smiles from other people.

“ I mean, it’s a classic. It’s not for everyone. Guess it depends on what you like the read. You read a lot ? “

Roger thought of all the books stacked in the corner of his room. Ones that he had read what felt like a million times and ones that he had never touched again after he had purchased them. He used to have a book basically glued to his hand at all points of the day. But then adult life swooped in and things got exponentially harder. Juggling university and the band and keep up a social life ? Those things keep you busy. And little joys like reading a good book, just had to take the back burner.

So he just shrugged in reply “ what is much ? “

And that made her laugh. Roger thought that that must’ve been one of the best sounds he’s heard in a while.

“ I mean, it’s the story of Frankenstein and his monster. It’s not a bad books I just — I’m a fan of cheesy romance novels with long pretentious words. But I can appreciate the art of Mary Shelley’s writing and her significance in shaping the science-fiction genre. Especially as a woman. “

He wanted her to keep talking. To hear what she thought about all kinds of things. About her favorite books, her favorite music. He wanted to know every little thought swirling through her head. Her mind, he thought, must be a terribly fascinating place. And he knew then, that he shouldn’t place such unreachable expectations on her. That he shouldn’t make her out to be this ethereal, magical being of a women. But when you fall so deep in adoration with someone, there’s just not stopping your heart and your mind from going places.

Roger didn’t believe in love at first sight. Love isn’t an instant thing. It’s something that grows. Something that needs work. Something that needs a foundation to be built on. Roger, however, did believe that some people can ignite a spark inside of you. And he could feel that spark burning deep inside him, brighter and brighter with every word that roller off her tongue.

“ Why are you looking at me like that ? “ she asked, raising her eyebrow in confusion.

Crap. Way to be smooth and subtle, Roger.

“ I like to hear you talk. You seem — passionate about this stuff. “

And maybe that was what it was. Roger loved to take the piss out of Brian but he could honestly listen to him ramble for hours about music and guitars and new lyrics and riffs he came up with. Because passion, he thought, was a virtue. One that made people interesting. Lovable. Admirable.

“ I am. The bookstore was kind of my idea. The café’s been here for year. My mom and dad started it. Then uh — then life happened and I had to take over. Thought I should bring in some of myself. The little lantern café turned into the little lantern café and bookstore. “

“ It’s a really nice place. Also, this bacon ? Just the right amount of crips. So good. “

“ Yeah, you gotta get some greasy stuff in you. Best hangover cure. “

“ Truer words have never been spoken. “

And just like that they fell deep into conversation about books and hangovers and what exactly was the right amount of crisp for a platter of bacon. Like two old friends catching up after not having seen each other in a while. Like two souls finding each other again. Like two lights in the dark.

And as the storm was raging on outside the café, time seemed to slow down. Time stopped. Time was completely forgotten.

- OOO -

“ Oh shit ! “ Roger exclaimed as his eyes fell onto the clock placed by the counter. The storm had calmed down a little but rain was still pouring from the heavens.

His breakfast had been devoured long ago and he had just finished his second cup of coffee as the realisation hit. He had band practice and the guys would surely have his ass if he didn’t show up on time.

“ Fuck. Love, I thoroughly enjoyed our conversation and I loved the bacon but I really gotta run. Can you tell me how on earth I can get to the nearest tube station ? I’ve been looking around for hours before I stranded here, this is the literal end of London is it ? “

She chuckled at that and pulled out a little notebook and a pen. “ Look, let me write down the instructions. It’s not far from here but it’s a bit hard to find. “

As she scribbled down the directions, Roger couldn’t help but admire her. The way her hair fell into her face, the way she scrunched up her nose thinking about the best way to write down instructions so he would understand them. She was beautiful. Gorgeous.

“ Okay, this should do. But please, let me get you an umbrella “.

“ I can’t ask that, it’s bad enough you don’t let me pay for my food or coffee. “

“ You paid for it plenty with your company. No one listens to me ramble about books, usually. “

He wondered why anyone would ever deny themselves of such a pleasure.

“ Well they should. I think you have a lot of fascinating things to say. “

“ Yeah ? “

“ Definitely. “

He thought he could see her blush at those words but maybe it was just wishful thinking.

She handed him a bright red umbrella and the worn out copy of Frankenstein.

“ Read it. Make up your own opinion. And don’t let my words spoil it for you. Maybe it’ll become your favorite. “

He doubted that but he would give it a try, if only to remember her by it.

“ Thank you for keeping me company. “

“ Thank you for — all of it. “ Roger chuckled and placed a kiss on her cheek. Maybe he was overstepping boundaries here but he just couldn’t help himself. Roger was a lover of nice things. Of fast cars and loud music and pretty women. And you don’t get nice things if you don’t risk a rejection every once in a while.

But a rejection was not what he got then. No, what he got was a kiss on his cheek in return.

As he moved towards the door, towards the storm and the cold, he glanced back towards her.

“ I’m sorry, I completely forgot to ask for your name. I’m such an asshole” .

“ You’re not. You’re very sweet. I didn’t ask for yours either “ she said and smiled.

“ It’s Roger “

“ Nice to meet you Roger. I’m (Y/N). “

And that made him smile, for whatever reason. It was just a name.

But it was her name.

So with the that, he opened the door and stepped into the rain. Just a red dot in a sea of grey.

When people think of London, they don’t usually picture vibrant blue skies and sunshine that covers the whole city in gorgeous hues of golds and oranges.

Maybe, Roger thought, those people were just looking in the wrong places. Maybe they had to search harder.

Because sometimes that sunshine, those hues of gold and orange, that warmth, could all be found in a little café at the edge of the city nestled between brick walls. And in the smile of the girl who worked there.

#roger taylor imagine #roger taylor x reader #ben!roger imagine #ben hardy x reader #ben!roger x reader #ben hardy imagine #borhap!roger x reader #borhap imagine #borhap!roger imagine #thebandefic #roger taylor fanfic #ben hardy fanfic #ben!roger fanfic

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proiida · 5 years

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the misperception of iida tenya

honestly, i’m kind of in awe at how well-written iida’s character is. he probably has one of the most clear paths of genuine character development in bnha. for one, he actually gets scenes dedicated to developing his character, which is a lot more than most bnha characters have going for them. on top of that, out of the characters that actually do get development, his development excels. this isn’t even me speaking as an iida stan. horikoshi tends to write characters in a way that can make their development unclear. other characters might develop in conflicting ways, have their development stated rather than shown, or just straight up have no genuine development. but iida? he has some of the clearest moments of development, filled to the brim with insight on what he values, why he takes the actions he does, and how he improves on past mistakes.

and yet, despite just how well-written his character is, there are few who are willing to invest the time and effort to actually see the amount of substance his character has. it’s strange in a way, because it is very easy for a member of the audience to see him as another depthless character. there are a variety of reasons that iida’s character is often misperceived. of course, a lot of iida fans speak of how ableism affects the way that his character is viewed. while this is true, it’s not what i am going to focus on in this piece. rather, i want to focus on how the narrative places him at a disadvantage in terms of audience perception.

when we first see iida, we don’t think very positively of him. there are various points in the yuuei entrance exam where iida seems more like an asshole than anything else. when the practical exam is being explained, iida admonishes izuku for izuku-ing, and points out what he assumes to be a oversight in the entrance exam. then, we get iida reprimanding izuku yet again, for trying to speak to uraraka. the initial impression here? “ah, that pretentious asshole who’s probably going to end up being in the same class as the main character.” i wince every time i see the entrance exam scenes, because they make him seem so bad. “pretentious asshole” is worse than than seeing him simply as “the class representative who’s a stickler for rules”, which, while an oversimplification of his character, isn’t completely off the mark. sure, someone who was familiar with his character would see that these scenes demonstrate his tendency to jump to conclusions, and understand that he genuinely wants to be on equal ground with his fellow test-takers. what someone who is unfamiliar with his character sees, though, is someone who assumes the worst of others and disguises bad intentions with well-meaning words. it doesn’t help that his words question the protagonist, either. as the audience, we typically feel that the protagonist is in the right because we are working from the perspective of the protagonist. it’s part of what makes us feel indignant at shinsou’s statement that izuku wouldn’t understand what it’s like to not be blessed with an amazing quirk, even though shinsou has no way of knowing izuku used to be quirkless. similarly, iida has no way of knowing that encouragement would have helped uraraka, or that that’s even what izuku is trying to do. so he acts on the assumption that izuku’s actions will end up distracting uraraka. it’s hard to see the situation from iida’s perspective though, so the audience assumes the worst of him. it’s less an issue on the part of the audience, and more of an issue on the part of the narrative.

if you watch the anime, there’s another scene during the entrance exam that likely contributes to this negative perception of iida, whether intentional or not. when the zero point robot comes out, both the manga and anime show iida running away. in the manga, he is merely in the background of a panel focused on izuku, with a text bubble saying “people show their true colors when they face that thing”. however, in the anime, “a person’s true character is revealed when they’re faced with danger” is said, and it shows a slow-motion view of iida looking at izuku on the floor as he runs away, and then looking away and continuing to run. it almost seems to suggest that iida’s motives as a hero are impure, to some extent greater than any of the other people running away. is this the intentional effect? probably not. however, what a piece of media intends to portray is often different from what the audience actually perceives.

then, as we progress into season one, the audience’s perception of iida changes. we realize that, no, he is not quite the pretentious asshole we thought he was. rather, he is the class representative trope! mr. stickler for rules! i’m not sure why, but the fact that iida happens to fit the class representative trope often makes people write his character off entirely. perhaps it is because the word trope is often viewed as something negative, to define an “overused cliché” in media. i have to disagree with this idea though, because tropes are merely recurring themes in literature, and the fact that some tropes lend themselves more easily to boring, repetitive characters doesn’t necessarily mean that every character who fits a certain trope is going to be boring. i mean, quite frankly, every character fits their own set of tropes, whether subtle or obvious. that’s just how literature works. alas, people are typically inclined to stick to the view that popular character tropes are overused and cliché, and thus they see iida as overused and cliché! and here is where the audience begins to label iida as a terrible thing for a character like him to be labeled, because quite frankly, he is anything but. the audience sees him as a stagnant character, before even giving him the chance to get his own development. from this point on, any change he does make is likely to be glossed over because of this assumption that he won’t change. this perceived stagnancy plays a huge role in how iida is seen by people. in season one, it isn’t much of an issue, because he doesn’t get much development, but later on in bnha, it becomes much more significant as he gets proper development. notably, the stain arc, which is the most obvious example of iida’s development in the series.

there are two ways to view the stain arc in terms of iida’s character. you can either see the arc as an example of his development, or you can see it as a reason to not like him. iida’s decision to seek vengeance for his brother by trying to locate and murder stain on his own is very clearly a mistake. we see some of his negative traits within this arc, such as the way that he prioritizes his own emotions over the safety of others, which stain points out as unheroic. at the end of the arc, iida takes stain’s words into consideration, and decides to leave his left hand injured as a reminder that he needs to work to be more heroic. it’s one of the most standard development arcs that a character could have. character makes mistake, events happen, mistake causes consequences, character learns from mistake. and yet, what do people choose to fixate on? they choose to fixate on the mistake, not the development that arises because of it. quite frankly, it’s unfair to iida. part of what makes iida’s character so strong to me is that he represents the learning hero. he’s a kid trying to live up to the legacy of a (former) hero, and in the process of doing so, he struggles to find the balance between duty, honor, the law, and caring for those important to him. if i may once again emphasize, he is a kid. he is fifteen during this arc. he is still learning, and isn’t going to be the perfect hero.

people don’t give him a chance by accepting his learning process, though. instead, they almost ignore it. but why? admittedly, iida makes an enormous mistake, but he’s not the only one. bakugou nearly kills izuku in the battle trial arc, but it’s nothing i’ve ever seen anyone hold against him. you might argue that those are different situations, but trying to be a vigilante murderer and launching an attack that you know could kill your classmate are both very serious actions. what makes bakugou different than iida, though, is that unlike iida, people know that he’s going to change. bakugou wouldn’t have such a prominent role in bnha if the end goal was not to have him be a better person than he is as the start. the audience doesn’t give iida the same chance for development that they give to bakugou, though, because they aren’t receptive to iida’s development. again, it comes back to this perceived stagnancy in his character. once you’ve written off iida as a stagnant character, it’s hard to let yourself see the ways that he develops. some people genuinely do not see how pivotal the stain arc is to iida’s character. they’d rather see the stain arc as nothing more than a way to further the plot of bnha, even though it’s also a chance for his character to develop. instead of seeing a negative trait of iida’s presented to us and then improved on, people merely see a negative trait of iida’s that never changes.

another case of people ignoring iida’s development in favor of fixating on the negative aspects of iida is much more subtle, but it’s probably what inspired this meta. it’s the scene during the hideout raid arc, where iida punches midoriya after explaining why he doesn’t want his classmates to rescue bakugou. the reason that this scene is a less noticeable case of people ignoring iida’s development is that not very many people actually see it as development on iida’s part. and yet, it’s one of my favorite scenes showcasing his development. there are some things that the narrative does that make it hard to see how iida develops, of course. iida is pit against the wishes of the protagonist, which makes the audience inclined to perceive him as being in the wrong. additionally, the fact that the plan is executed without anyone getting harmed makes it seem like iida was worrying over nothing. while the setup of this scene doesn’t really make it easy to see why this scene is so important for him, it isn’t entirely to blame.

i was initially going to take the position that any negative impact this scene has on the audience’s perception of iida is mostly a consequence of the narrative, but honestly, looking back at the scene...it’s so hard to not see where iida is coming from. we get an entire three pages dedicated to the reasons why iida tries to stop his classmates. 1.) he is worried that his classmates will make the same mistake he did, 2.) he is angry because he believes that todoroki and izuku are ignoring the lesson he learned from the stain arc, 3.) he doesn’t want yuuei to take the fall for their actions, and 4.) he is worried that his classmates will get gravely injured the same way that his brother did. i’d say that that’s a pretty solid case he has. sure, he might have been overestimating the gravity of the actions his classmates were going to take, but his concerns are still entirely valid. what the kids are planning to do isn’t the safest thing to do. this is him showing that he has genuinely reflected on the events of the stain arc, and that he meant it when he said he was going to be a better hero in the stain arc. only thing is, people yet again ignore this sign of change, to focus on the fact that he punched izuku. the punch is often misunderstood as iida being a shitty friend, even though it mostly exists to emphasize how intense his emotions are in that moment. izuku believes that iida doesn’t want them to go because they’d be breaking the law. following this statement, iida punches izuku, who fails to understand why iida is so concerned. iida doesn’t want them to go because he values the safety of his friends over the law.

it’s interesting that the first thing that comes to mind when people think of iida is his focus on rules and laws. when i think of iida, the first thing that comes to mind is how he prioritizes those he loves over anything else. you know what iida does in the hideout raid arc, in spite of every reason he’s expressed against rescuing bakugou on their own? he decides to go along with them. because at the end of the day, he prioritizes the safety of his friends above all. maybe others see the fact that he goes along with the plan in spite of all his complaints as a random, plot-convenient action, but i think it’s one of the most in character things for him to do. him going along with the plan to rescue bakugou isn’t him saying that the points he previously made were meaningless, it’s him showing just how worried he is for his classmates. this scene is probably one of my favorite moments of his, because you can really see his thought process, how he’s changed, and what he values. it’s a very concise moment where his character shines. but it’s one of the moment he’s most hated for. and y’know what, i don’t mind if people want to hate him for it. punching your friend in the face isn’t exactly the nicest thing to do, after all. what i do mind, though, is when people fail to even try to understand where exactly he’s coming from.

iida’s development as a character is a strong one, and it’s an interesting one. even if you don’t like him as a person, there’s a lot to like about his character. the problem is that people refuse to see the depth of his character, whether they realize it or not. if people didn’t dismiss the potential of his character from the get go, we would be seeing a very different reception of iida. i think a lot more people would appreciate his character if they just gave him a chance, by understanding that he’s a developing character and developing hero. it’s very easy to see him in a negative light, but with a bit of effort, it’s also possible to see him as one of the most interesting characters bnha has to offer.

#meta #bnha meta #iida tenya #iida #iida tag #stan iida #that's the moral of the story #mine #i'm smart

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thefaultinourdefault-blog · 5 years

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Hi Tumblr! I’m Gay

So basically, I started a journal recently, more specifically about the process I've gone through towards accepting my sexuality, for mental health purposes. Not a big deal really, just some angsty journal entries from a closeted midwesterner. Reading Love, Simon and Symptoms of Being Human inspired me to start an anonymous blog full of these journal entries. I'm not really expecting anyone to read them, but if you do: Hi, you can call me R. Is just a single letter enigmatic enough for you?

Oof, is it pretentious for me to start a tumblr blog about myself? I mean I guess that’s what the world of blogging is all about. (But does anybody really truly blog like this here on tumblr anymore? I don’t think so-) You take a tiny piece of your day to pick up a laptop or some other smartphone or tablet thing and you write about a tiny fraction of your life that people may or may not care about. With most people though, they talk about all the good parts like how some vegan obtains this unreasonably and unattainable body in the healthiest way possible, or how some soccer mom named Karen manages a house of five children, two dogs, and a coup full of chickens. But like most things online, none of it’s real. Or at least, it’s only half real. Like youtube beauty vloggers or instagram models, you get to chose what you say online, and for most people, they chose to only show the best parts of themselves. Understandably so, if you have the choice as to how you will portray yourself, you’re most likely going to do so in the most glorified way possible.(Have my ramblings lost you yet? I bet you think I sound like some wannabe John Green character, in which case, you’re probably correct.)

I was scrolling through tumblr today, looking at other journaling and bloggy blogs, and I saw a quote:

“Advice to Young Journal Keepers. Be lenient with yourself. Conceal your worst faults, leave out your most shameful thoughts, actions, and temptations. Give yourself all the good and interesting qualities you want and haven’t got. If you should die young, what comfort would it be to your relatives to read the truth and have to say: It is not a pearl we have lost, but a swine?” -Rosamond Lehmann

You’ll probably see it too if you just look up “Journal” in the search bar. It’s one of the first results that come up. (There is, however, a concerning amount of “pro-ana” shit in the tag. Watch out, being triggered isn’t fun.) Anyways, I’m not quite sure who this Rosamond Lehman lady is, and I suppose as an English Literature nerd I should have an idea -- all I know is the tiny bits of information that you can get from a quick Google search -- but all I can say is that I disagree with this qoute on every level possible. The reason why I keep my journal, isn’t so that I can preserve the best parts of myself. It isn’t for my relatives or loved ones after I pass, and even so, if they love me any less for the imperfect parts of myself then frankly, it won't be mattering to me anyways. I'll be dead. But this journal is for myself. It’s for all of me, not just the glorified parts that I’d want to put in front of a camera, but also all the other parts; the broken, the beaten, and the damned. In this blog, I will be as honest as anonymously possible.

So here we go, you can call me R. I’m 16 years old. I’m a she/her, but I don’t really care about pronouns. (For myself, I’ll respect yours of course.) And I’m Gay. Or I guess you could say Lesbian, it doesn’t really matter what label you use to define me. Queer? That works too. As long as it’s clear that I definitely absolutely do not like males. Sorry guys, I just don’t roll that way. We can still be friends?

Some people say I can o n l y identify as lesbian; that should be my only, and if not only, my primary self-identifier. “The term ‘gay’ is gendered, and strictly reserved for MALE homosexuals.” and yadda yadda, but the thing is, lesbian isn’t really my favorite word to use to identify myself as. Like don’t get me wrong, I still use it, but it’s just not what I’m the most comfortable with. And at the end of the day, isn’t being a member of the LGBTQ+ community all about using the labels and pronouns that make you most comfortable? It’s supposed to be our space, and sometimes our only space where we can be 100% ourselves all of the time (unless you’re a pedophile.You don’t belong here. I’m sorry. Not really)

Maybe I’m still uncomfortable with the word Lesbian because of my internalized homophobia, which, as I’ve checked, is still alive and thriving within me - like whatever it is that possessed Will Byers to know that the Mind Flayer was coming. The hatred I feel towards myself for being different is still there, it’s just not always active.

Or maybe it’s because the word “lesbian” is itself, a very gendered word. I’m a cis female, and I don’t really feel or think that I’m nonbinary, but I still feel uncomfortable when very obvious gender rolls are placed upon me. Some days I enjoy looking so adrogynous that people can’t figure me out. That’s just the way I am.

Or maybe it’s just because I’m a very complicated human. Like, for example, what if I end up developing feelings for a Non-Binary person? I mean, I know that I find Bex Taylor-Klaus e x t r e m e l y attractive, and despite their amount of female rolls in movies and television, Bex Taylor-Klaus is, in fact, a they. And Bex Taylor-Klaus can still get it (in my dreams. I know they’re 24. You can calm down. There’s easily people far younger than me on this app thirsting over Jensen Ackles, and I’m not even really thirsting). So then, if I were to one day date or have any kind of romantic interest in a Non-Binary person that I actually know, then wouldn’t it be disrespectful or “enbyphobic” to categorize myself as a lesbian?

I think Dan Howell did a very good job describing how I feel in his coming out video. I am, in fact, a formless blob. I’m not quite sure what the world thinks that I should categorize myself as, but whatever it is, I know that it’s gay, so gay is what I’m sticking with, and when -- or if -- I eventually come out to my family. Gay is most likely the word that I’ll use.

So, how’s that for a first-ever actual blog post? Pretty boring? I thought so too, but at the end of the day this blog is for me, and it doesn’t really matter how many people do or don’t read it, and it doesn’t really matter how many people enjoy it. It just feels good to finally be able to put my real self out there, even if nobody will ever know who I am.

But if you did by some chance read this far, congratulations! You officially have all the patience that I don’t! Here’s your exit ticket:

Regardless as to your gender identity or sexuality (and yes, those two things are very separate and different), is there any celebrity that never fails to make you question your sexuality?

Signing off,

#my writing #journal #just gay thoughts #just gay things #lgbt journal #sapphic thoughts #diary #blog #my blog #blogging #blogger #blog post #gay #queer #lesbian

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thelifetimechannel · 5 years

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The Dave and Dirk log, for obvious reasons, was something I wanted to try very hard to get right. That meant although we drafted it together via msparp, as was our custom, I ended up overhauling it way more than any of our other combo walkaround logs. A few chunks did survive the transfer, though.

In other news, we’ve made a solemn pact to finish TLC over winter break, which is good because I’m running out of bonus content. Hopefully we’ll have some assets to show off soon. I’ve already seen a few; they’re very nice.

DIRK: Hey, dude. You did pretty well out there. DIRK: Didn't even die once. DAVE: twice in a day is my max im satisfied with keeping that record DAVE: even if getting machinegunned is rapidly becoming my "thing" DIRK: Seems we each have our respective "signature deaths". DIRK: Or at least it ain't a party until I get decapitated. That sure was something we needed to do again. DIRK: Just once, for old time's sake. DAVE: well that puts the nail in the meme coffin DAVE: any time you panic someones gonna tell you to keep your head on DAVE: like keeping your hair on except you know that shit aint going anywhere its probably shellaced DIRK: That shit is bolted to the floor. Did you know I walked around with a girly-ass pink tiara on my head this whole day and had no idea? DIRK: I had no idea. Couldn't feel a thing. DIRK: And people let me do that. DIRK: Can't fuckin' believe it. DAVE: oh DAVE: i figured you knew DIRK: I am less than pleased with my Skaia-ordained divine color scheme. DIRK: But I guess I have to live with it. It's part of the team aesthetic. DAVE: you could always change DIRK: Nah, with the tiara and tights ditched I have at least mitigated the enforced flamboyance. It's bearable. DIRK: I can't be the one dude out of uniform. Couldn't bear the shame. DAVE: my outfit is pretty sick ngl DAVE: sburb knows everyones secret desire is to have a cape DIRK: Unfortunately, mine isn't long enough to also make for a good tactical maneuver. DIRK: Not gonna lie, that was pretty funny. DAVE: if nothing else my attempts at combat can provide a source of humor in our lives DAVE: but honestly id be fine if my fighting days were over DAVE: i was never into it DAVE: rose on the other hand was obviously itching to beat people up DAVE: one of those 12 year olds who wants to get jumped in an alley to work out her suppressed anger DIRK: Maybe Skaia did make a few miscalculations in dumping your asses with your respective guardians. I think you'd get along well with Roxy and her cats, make her budget her time away from the alcohol. DIRK: ...in theory. DIRK: Rose can go a few rounds with me if she wants, we still need to sort out who has the rights to document our legendary journies. DAVE: ill plan your funeral DAVE: what kind of flowers do you want DIRK: ...there's different kinds? DAVE: damn thats right you grew up in waterworld DAVE: these choices matter DAVE: allegedly theres a thing called "flower language" DAVE: whether you can actually send someone a boquet telling them to meet you in the pit i dont know DIRK: Like, I get that, in theory, different kinds of flowers exist. But I fully anticipate any attempt on my part to conjugate in the language of said plants would end in my coffin declaring my hovercraft was indeed full of eels. DIRK: Maybe it'll have thorns on it. Or it'll be like the sixteen millions tons of green bullshit covering my land and making my nose itch. DAVE: probably DIRK: Worst case scenario, I'll pick out something orange and present to a prospective love interest and it'll mean something like "my brotherly passion for you knows no boundaries, and also no homo". DAVE: my bro wouldnt go for flower arranging DAVE: or pink tiaras DAVE: he was pretty uptight about the whole rah rah macho act DAVE: probably subscribed to alpha males weekly DAVE: which is weird considering DAVE: well DAVE: youre gay right DIRK: Uh. DIRK: Well. DIRK: My symbolic quest land is not covered in green bullshit, but I. DIRK: Happen to like watching birds, if you know what I mean. DIRK: Fuck, you probably don't know what that means. Jake and his goddamn thousand euphemisms. DAVE: cant say i do no DIRK: Nobody knows what it means but Jake. It's an old time epithet for being into dudes. DIRK: He knows all the old epithets, including some I suspect he made up. DAVE: so DAVE: thats a yes DAVE: in a roundabout way that includes birds DIRK: I've never denied it. DIRK: I'm just. DIRK: Not a huge fan of the word. Why, in this world post-society, do we need to confine ourselves to labels like "gay"? Such constraints were washed away from my world with the rest of the human race. DAVE: holy shit that was such a pretentious dodge DAVE: dont let rose hear you say that DIRK: Rose can hear all she likes. DAVE: but anyway DAVE: i wasnt asking to get up all in your business like SOME PEOPLE DAVE: who are so into getting into other peoples businesses theyre basically the fucking mafia or the irs DAVE: but DAVE: it explains some stuff DAVE: but on the other hand it doesnt DAVE: the way you raised me was kinda aggressively mainstream masculine enough that it wasnt something that ever seemed to come up as an option DAVE: [describe that type of culture and mindset better later, I KNOW what i mean but im tired rn lmao] DAVE: and anything outside of that id just brush off because it couldnt apply to me DAVE: and that went for pretty much everything that went against what you wanted for me DAVE: including that DIRK: And yet, here the man was, subconsciously shrieking his desire for floppy felt dong through, DIRK: What I guess you could call his art, for want of any other applicable word at all. God, the mental images are crawling up the insides of my skull like the Exorcist child, do I want to know? DAVE: probably not DAVE: guess trying to act peak male has its drawbacks DAVE: weirdly enough troll culture is obsessively hyperviolent but doesnt give a shit about sexuality DAVE: they dont see the difference most of the time i guess DAVE: and so like DAVE: maybe it rubs off on you because in some ways that kind of makes sense DAVE: but after so long its hard to know what i feel and what it means because i spent so long ignoring it DAVE: so i guess i was wondering DAVE: if you had anything that might help with that DAVE: or if youre also trapped in this whirling screaming maelstrom of bullshit DAVE: while kinsey sits in the eye of the storm laughing DIRK: Wait, wait, wait. DIRK: You're coming to me. DIRK: For advice. DIRK: Do you know what a laughable hurricane of disaster my interpersonal life has been? DIRK: Like, in a weird way, I'm kind of honored, especially since about five hours ago you were scared shitless to be around me, but. DIRK: I'm standing here and waving my credentials in the air just to display how I don't fucking have any. My degree is a sham and my hands are empty except for a crudely scribbled on piece of construction paper. DAVE: are you suggesting theres a gay university DAVE: where you study bird watching DIRK: Do I look like a man who's been to college? DAVE: fair DAVE: but like DAVE: your friends know DAVE: how did you broach the subject there DIRK: I might as well have been dating a Yoko Ono for the devastation it wreaked on our friend group, so yeah, it was a little hard to ignore. DIRK: Compounded by the fact some smartass from Gay University was using my social circle for romance geometry homework. DIRK: It wasn't even a love triangle so much as a love roundabout. DAVE: ok but thats just because you were a dipshit not a gay dipshit DAVE: they were chill about the first part right DIRK: Thanks. DIRK: I mean... Roxy always seemed disappointed. DAVE: luckily i dont think anyones waiting in line for me DAVE: i guess im blowing it out of proportion DAVE: i dont think anyone will MIND DAVE: no one did about rose and kanaya DAVE: didnt even question the vampire bit which goes to show what our lives are like these days DAVE: like ok our outfit has vampires now DAVE: thats a thing that we have DAVE: if i say oh hey i might be bisexual theyll just say sure pull up a chair at the acronym table DAVE: the only one who might be weird about it is john DAVE: but hed be just as weird if i told him id changed my favorite color hes just like that DAVE: the only person its really a big deal for is me DIRK: Jane was a little bit like that. I'm pretty sure the only reason she had to object was because she found out the day I made a move on her crush. DIRK: It might just be growing up in a household where you're not regularly fighting for your life, and thus what genders are kissing whom has the space to be higher on your priority list. DAVE: that aint anyones priority these days DAVE: im prepared to acknowledge the concept that hey maybe everyone elses lives dont revolve around me and my personal drama or self revelations might have some merit at least as a hypothesis DAVE: when i met kid english he kept going on about how i was the most important person and everyone else was side characters DAVE: and maybe ive acted like that sometimes DIRK: Yeah, like you alone are the one responsible for everyone around you. DAVE: and maybe ive acted like i think that way too sometimes DAVE: ive been wrong about people DAVE: people i care about people i shouldve known better DAVE: i was wrong because i wanted to believe things that matched how i wanted the world to be DAVE: things that made it easier for the story i was telling myself DAVE: i dont think kid english meant to call me on it but damn DIRK: Reality is, after all, something we construct for ourselves. DIRK: I think maybe I knew that all along when I surfaced for air inbetween shoving my head as far up my ass as it would go. DIRK: Or maybe that's just what I try to tell myself in hindsight. DAVE: well if it takes a hyperactive 12 year old version of the final bosss creepy hero worship of me to make a point i guess thats not the least subtle way the universe has sent me a message lately DIRK: You want unsubtle? Let me tell you about my damn planet quest. DAVE: haha DAVE: i didnt have to do much of my quest because im invisible DAVE: thanks mom DIRK: My denizen practically sat me down like it was my life coach and growled in my ear about improving my communication skills with a guy I told to go fuck himself not eighteen hours prior. DIRK: So while I'm glad SBURB has a vested interest in me repairing my friendships, playing electroshock death DDR with him was a little on the nose. DAVE: maybe getting shot again wasnt that bad DAVE: so weve all learned our life lessons good job team DIRK: Exactly. Can we wrap this up now? Can we please go rest? DIRK: I'm so exhausted I haven't even noticed I'm still hungover. DAVE: sure thing DAVE: but if i need tips on leaping out of a closet to intimidate passerby i might text you DIRK: I mean, I can try. As long as you don't ask me for dating tips. That, I definitely shouldn't be helping you with. DIRK: Go talk to your sister for that. DIRK: ...wouldn't she, by the transitive property of siblings, also be my sister? DAVE: yeah i guess DAVE: but theres no way in hell im asking rose for dating advice DAVE: on her first date which she refused to admit was romantically oriented she got wasted in anticipation forgot to show up and then fell down the stairs DIRK: Oh my god. DAVE: she tries to look like shes got her shit together but its a lie DAVE: if you find my corpse floating on lolar in the next few hours dont let the truth die with me DIRK: Why are we like this? DIRK: Is there actually something hardwired into our DNA that predisposes us to being disasters? DIRK: But, that aside. DIRK: I won't object if it's me you come to talk to. DAVE: ill hold you to it DAVE: and if you ever want to publicly you admit you DAVE: "enjoy birdwatching" DAVE: in less vague and evasive terms DAVE: ill have your back DIRK: Thanks.

#bonus content

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dimitrippy · 6 years

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Pride month may be over, but it is also important to retain some sense of it. So here are some book reviews. If you've read these books, you might not like what I have to say. If you haven't, you may find that you don't want to. Or maybe you're so intrigued by what I've said, you'll want to read them anyway. The books I've chosen to read and review are (in order): This Book is Gay by James Dawson (2014), Boy Meets Boy by David Levithan (2003), and Queer, There, and Everywhere: 23 People Who Changed the World by Sarah Prager (2017).

Note: I am an independent person with no affiliations and I am doing this for fun, I am by no means a professional book reviewer.

This Book is Gay by James Dawson

I'm gonna start right off the bat and say that this book is... out-dated. Published in 2014, this book is a crash course on all things gay... but that's it. Despite many a disclaimer within the book itself, I found the writing to focus almost exclusively on homosexuality, with very little focus on bisexuality or being transgender. 'Well' you may say 'the book is GAY.' And right, it is, but the author, James Dawson, touted it as a guide to all things LGBT, which it wasn't. I understand the lack of nonbinary genders being mentioned, as the term did not really become widespread until very recently, but many trans people will find themselves unhappy when their eyes flick to the words 'transsexual' and 'transvestite'. Not to mention, in a later chapter about sex (skipping this chapter is an option, Dawson makes that clear) diagrams that equate genitals to gender. Overall, incredibly cisnormative. I'm not going to lie, Tumblr may have made me overly bias to any sort of queer literature created by a cis, gay man, but a good LGBT book should really spread out the attention between all of the letters.

I also found the writing style to be, for lack of a better word, trite. And I guess another good word would be condescending. Don't believe me? Dawson refers to sex as 'sexyfuntimes' at least 3 times, if not more. I understand that this book was written to appeal to young adolescents who might be questioning their sexuality or gender, but the word sex was already being used. Why change it to sexyfuntimes? Anyone reading the book should KNOW what sexyfuntimes means. Once was funny, but to keep using it to refer to consensual bedroom business made me feel like the author didn't care about his target audience. Speaking somewhat from experience, an adult talking down to me always made me feel like shit. Teenagers aren't stupid. Us adults need to start acting like it. ( that's not to say that teens can't be stupid, but generally when consuming content that is meant for them, it can be alienating.)

Then the author wrote a chapter on religion that I felt was written from a Christian-centric point of view. The author himself said he had limited knowledge about certain religions but went ahead and wrote about them anyway, assuming knowledge. This is a book that contained interviews with other queer people, you couldn't have found queer people of faith to interview? That just seems lazy to me.

Another big BIG problem that I had with the book was the chapter called 'Gay Saints'... or something to that effect. I had to return the book and I'm writing a lot of this from memory, which is quite good but can't always remember everything...

Anyway, I'm sorry, but however they may have felt while functioning as a boy-band, Harry Styles and Louis Tomlinson are NOT gay icons. They're nothing more than two young men that over-zealous straight girls wish would get together. Sure, they may support the queer community which is all well in good but to refer to 'Larry Stylison' as a gay icon just... left a bad taste in my mouth. Also, Dawson referred to Macklemore as handsome which is just... not correct.

Honestly it felt like a lot of these 'icons' were straight people. And of course gay people have been idolizing straight people for basically forever (look up Friends of Dorothy) but one moment of activism does not a gay icon make.

Not to mention that leaving out Billie Joe Armstrong out of a list like that is criminal, considering he's been an open bisexual and supporting LGBT punk bands since Green Day became popular.

… Also a crime to leave out Prince but there are some battles you can't win...

Still, it would be remiss of me to not mention that this book was meant to be read by EVERYONE, not just by LGBT kids. I definitely understand the need for a book like this, but the queer community has become so fast paced and new terminology is updated and accepted on a near- daily basis. And I, personally, would not recommend this book to my friends (unless my friends want to know the book i'm slamming – LOL ). Perhaps a companion book titled “This Book is Trans” or “This Book is Queer”? Or maybe keep the title and come out with a second, more inclusive edition.

I would, however, recommend it to young, questioning kids and their parents – should said parents be aware of their kid's situation. I also recommend it to straight people who have very little interaction with LGBT people but who want to understand us a little better. I know I said the writing was condescending at times, but it is a good resource for people who aren't gay or who aren't sure what they are yet, especially if they don't wanna dig through Google, trying to find non-homophobic sources.

My overall opinion in a nutshell: Mediocre and non-inclusive

Score: 4/10

Boy Meets Boy by David Levithan

I'm not going to lie, if I had read this book in middle school or high school, I probably would have LOVED it. Pretentious teen romance was probably my favorite genre. (Something I don't talk about very much because everyone on Tumblr has a boner for hating the king of pretentious teen romance novels, John Green, and I rather like him.) Now, however, it is... to be honest it's uninteresting drivel.

The story focuses on local gay high schooler, Paul. Paul has ALWAYS known he was gay and everyone in his small, shockingly liberal town (shocking because it's so small) doesn't really care, except for the parents' of his friend, Tony, another gay high schooler. (only Tony's parents are homophobes and they have to lie about stuff just to get him out of the house)

We have other great characters! Such as Kyle, the bisexual who won't call himself bisexual because he doesn't like labels, also Paul's ex. Infinite Darlene, a trans girl who Paul does not call trans, only drag queen. She is homecoming queen and captain of the football team and also the other drag queens in school (???) don't like her because she's too masculine. Cis drag queens hating trans women, what else is new?

We also have Noah, the pretentious artist new kid and Paul's crush. And Joni, who was Paul's best friend but dumped him for her crappy boyfriend.

Right? The sheer amount of characters made my head spin too. And the drama with everyone was... too much. The only redeeming moment was when Tony finally stood up to his parents. Which he did so in, again, an unrealistic way.

And I'm not even going to mention the motorcycle cheerleaders.

So by the end of it, I was pretty disappointed.

Until I read the author's note. 10 years after it's original publication, David Levithan answers some questions about the book and gave a myriad of reasons as to why he wrote the book the way he did. He explained that he knew how unrealistic some parts of the story were, and that that's why they were there. Because as unrealistic as it was, it is something that he wants to one day be a reality. And that while we're far from that reality, it's something we should always, always be working towards.

There's something very brave about that. It's definitely true that there are far, far too many tragic stories featuring LGBTQA+ characters, but this is nothing short of a very happy story published in a time when stories like that simply didn't exist. A jaded queer person (such as myself) might brush off the pie in the sky life that Paul leads, but ultimately there really is nothing wrong with writing happy endings for people like you.

Should you choose to read this book, I recommend the new edition that comes with the author's note. It puts the entire novel in a much better perspective. It also has a short story featuring Infinite Darlene.

My overall opinion in a nutshell: Pretentious but well meaning

Score: 6/10 (points taken away were re-added after reading the author's not

Queer, There, and Everywhere: 23 People Who Changed the World by Sarah Prager

As an avid history nerd who doesn't read nearly as much historic shit as they should, I loved this book. Clear, concise, and with a detailed bibliography in the back, Queer, There, and Everywhere gives us undeniable proof that people like us – queer people – have always existed.

Starting in ancient Rome, through the civil rights movement and up the the present, Prager makes the context easy to understand by using modern language and beginning each chapter with a brief flashback to each figure's time. While many scholars look at things from a cishet lens and use the language to match, Prager does pretty much the opposite, making a disclaimer at the beginning of each chapter any time modern terminology or certain pronouns usage needs to be used for clarity.

This book doesn't just cover cis, gay people over the course of history, it has something for everyone across the spectrum of gender and sexuality – trans and nonbinary people, lesbian pioneers (no, not 1800s pioneers),George Takei, and much, much more.

While queer history can be a touchy subject, Queer, There, and Everywhere: 23 People Who Changed the World makes it so that our history can not, should not, and will not be erased.

My overall opinion in a nutshell: Fantastic and a necessary must for any person who needs a brief course in queer history.

Score: 8/10 (some of the historic figures she picked struck me as far-fetched, plus use of the outdated terms transsexual and transvestite)

#books #literature #reading #lgbtqa+#lgbt books #queer literature #queer books #lgbt literature #book reviews #james dawson #david levithan #sarah prager #long post

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norihisahyuga-archived · 7 years

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The Waiting Game

Numai Mitsuru/Tsukioka Sho Battle Royale 2000~ words. Sfw.

Mitsuru wants to wait to find out who his soulmate is. Sho has long since decided that Mitsuru is well worth the wait. Fate seems to intervene to bring them back together again. Part of that hella long soulmate AU that absolutely no one asked for. Tagging @hironoshimizu and @satominoda

Mitsuru Numai had always firmly believed in what his parents always taught him growing up, when the world was still colorless except for the many shades of grey. His parents had been lucky enough to find one another when they were in college, and though his mother tried to relate to him what color looked like, how it wove its own marvellous designs beyond his comprehension, he was never really able to get it. But he believed his parents when they told him that it would be best to focus on getting through school and getting to college, figuring out who he was and what he wanted from the world, before he ever thought about looking for a soulmate.

Even when Mitsuko Souma’s hard edges are worn away and Takako Chigusa comes out of her shell, even when the quintet finds each other piece by piece, even when Shinji Mimura comes to school with an affectionate arm slung around Yutaka Seto’s shoulders… Mitsuru sees it, and he understands it, and he’s happy to see other people happy. He’s particularly thrilled for Mitsuko because he knows better than anyone that Mitsuko would have never let anyone in, not in a thousand years, but she has now, and she seems happier, and he’s glad for it.

That doesn’t really change his idea to wait until he’s out of high school, until he’s at least in college and has some of the puzzle that comprises himself figured out, has a few of the pieces cemented in place before he tries to look for his missing half. And with the Numai Family surrounding him at all times, keeping anyone away who tries to get close on request, he’s not overly worried.

The sole exception is Izumi Kanai, who slings an arm around his neck when she joins up with them in the morning, half-hanging off of him and chattering about her evening. The world doesn’t change color because of her, so Mitsuru is fine with this contact, and this alone.

Sho Tsukioka is an anomaly even as far as Shiroiwa Class 3-B goes; he’s not found his other half but he’s twice as flamboyant as the boys who have found their soulmates in another boy. But then, he’s always been this way. As soon as he realized he preferred boys to anyone else, he had been loud and proud of himself from the very beginning. It helped that his father had always been there for him, and there were plenty of regulars at his bar who were more than willing to lend a sympathetic ear to the confused teenager trying to figure himself out until he finally had all of the labels and definitions smoothed out in his mind.

The Numai Family is stretched out on the bleachers, accompanying Izumi to viewing track practice for lack of anything else to do. Sho wants to know why she’s so interested in the track team, figures it must be one of the members of it but never bothers to inquire further.

Sandwiched between Mitsuru and Ryuhei, cigarette in hand, he’s comfortable enough.

“So I’m gonna take a wild guess here,” Ryuhei finally says. “We can’t fuck with Kiriyama now.”

Mitsuru snorts in his direction. “Unless you wanna get on Kawada’s bad side? No.”

“I think I’m missing something here,” Sho says, taking a slow drag off of his cigarette and exhaling. “Why exactly aren’t we messing with Kiriyama now? I know Souma wanted us to take it easy on him, but what does Kawada have to do with anything?”

Ryuhei rolls his eyes at him. “You know, you’ve been slow on the upkeep when it comes to being in everyone’s business lately. Kiriyama got picked up by the lovey dovey quartet last week.”

Mitsuru elbows him in the side lightly. “What’s been going on with you, Zuki?”

Instead of answering, Sho just flicks ash off of the end of his cigarette and leans against the bleacher behind him. It’s enough of a signal for Mitsuru to drop the question, which he’s relieved about because he doesn’t really want to answer him. He’d promised himself a long time ago he’d never tell one of his friends if he happened to get a crush on one of them.

Especially Mitsuru. He’d been following Mitsuru’s lead for the last few years and, admittedly, the almost-pretty boy with the charismatic smile and the ability to keep their patchwork group together with few issues along the way had been the one to make him question himself.

But knowing how Mitsuru feels about the soul mate business, he knew telling him he liked him was only going to slip a wedge between them, and that was the last thing he wanted.

So, Sho did the right thing, and he kept his mouth shut.

When they graduate high school, the Numai Family splits up for the most part, which Mitsuru is not surprised by; they’d grown into different people with different futures laid out for them. The only person who ended up remaining with him was Sho. They had ended up being accepted to the same university, though Mitsuru had no way of knowing this until he and his mother were in the process of moving him into his dorm room. The sound of an all-too-familiar voice had him lifting his head, eyes widening a touch, to where the door was still wide open.

Less than a minute later, Sho Tsukioka and his father walked into the room.

“Mitsuru,” Sho says, surprised, pursing his lips. “Well, isn’t this quite the surprise?”

“Hello, Akira, dear,” Mitsuru’s mother says without missing a beat, setting out a package of hangers on top of Mitsuru’s bed. “Mr. Tsukioka, it’s nice to see you as well. It’ll be nice for our boys to have each other here, won’t it? Especially on a campus this large.”

In answer, Sho’s father laughs and grins. “Absolutely. They were close all throughout school.”

“Precisely. It’s always good to have a friend nearby, isn’t it, Mitsuru?” He almost doesn’t notice when his mother lays his hand on his shoulder, too shocked to see Sho standing here.

He gives himself a shake and nods, turning to smile at her. “Yeah, it really is.”

“I’ll just leave you to get unpacked now.” She pulls him into a bone-crushing hug. “Call, okay?”

Mitsuru promises his mother he’ll call and does his best to be non-intrusive while Sho and his father say their goodbyes. He’s more shocked than he has the words to express it with.

The awkwardness slips away as time passes and they start to talk to each other again. Without the buffer of the rest of the Numai Family around, Sho wasn’t sure how things would work out between the two of them. And secretly, he can’t help but think this has to be some kind of sign of things to come. After all, Mitsuru had been determined to wait, and Sho had assumed he would finish out high school, never getting to tell Mitsuru how he felt about him, and he would eventually move on from the crush and find whoever was out there for him in due time. He’d finally been able to let go of the scant hope that something might happen between them, telling himself he needed to be ready for university and all of the opportunities to come… And yet, here Mitsuru is.

“I’m actually really relieved to have a familiar face here,” Mitsuru tells him on their third night.

Sho looks up from the complete destruction of his bed, overrun with textbooks and notebooks as he tries to figure out some system of organization. Now that he has serious schooling to think about, he needs to find a way to structure things so he can actually get something done. Dropping out of college is not on his list of things to do in the near future, after all.

“I am, too,” he confesses, rolling his shoulders to work the stiffness out of them. “I was mildly concerned my roommate might not be a fan of gay guys in the first place, y’know.”

Mitsuru grins at him and nods, tapping his pen against the notebook sitting on his lap. “No, no, I get it. I was worried my roommate might say something about me being bi, too.”

“Bi?” Sho cocks his head to make sure he heard correctly, then hums when Mitsuru nods at him. “I knew my gaydar is never wrong. I thought I felt something pinging off of you.”

Mitsuru laughs and goes back to making notes on something he’s reading while Sho resists the urge to have a breakdown right here and now. Instead, he takes a slow breath and goes back to his books, telling himself he needs to concentrate on something safe now… And remember that Mitsuru never asked him, thank you very much, so he’s not going to do anything.

Of course he wants to. Even if it’s just something as simple as threading their fingers together to see if the world around them changes at all… But he won’t, because he knows Mitsuru wants to wait, and he has every intention of giving him as much time as he needs.

Still, that doesn’t stop him from silently hoping just the same.

“He was a jerk,” Sho says. They’re shoulder to shoulder on the floor of their room, backs against Mitsuru’s bed, watching a movie together. “I really fucking hated him. Super pretentious.”

Mitsuru throws back his head and can’t help but laugh at that. He’d noticed the way Sho wrinkled his nose every time his ex flexed his vocabulary skills where Sho could hear.

“I thought you were going to punch him, you know,” Mitsuru admits. “I could see you just itching to reach over and sock him a few times. I don’t think I would have stopped you.”

“Well now you tell me.” Sho throws his hands up in the air. “When I can’t do anything about it!”

This only makes Mitsuru laugh harder, and he presses his face into Sho’s shoulder in an effort to muffle himself, his own shoulders shaking with the force of it. Funny how he had expected breaking up with his first boyfriend to be a more emotional experience, at least a more painful one if nothing else, but Sho being here for him through it all has smoothed the pathway far more than he expected. Sho’s presence, in general, has made everything better.

Not for the first time, but certainly an urge stronger than the ones he has felt before, Mitsuru wants to reach out and take Sho’s hand in his. Just to see, because he wants to know, because he thinks he already knows, and he thinks he should have known for years, but at least he finally got there on his own. But that doesn’t really seem a grand enough gesture for this.

Sho looks down at him, eyebrow raised. “Is my shoulder that comfortable, then?”

“You’re very comfortable,” Mitsuru tells him, and he could be imagining things, but he doesn’t think he’s mistaking the way Sho’s eyes widen down at him. “Can I ask you a question?”

The way Sho cocks his head is adorable, but he nods nevertheless. “You know you can ask me anything you want to, Mitsu, I really don’t care to answer your questions.”

“I told you a long time ago that I wanted to wait to see if someone was my soulmate. I wanted to be sure of what I wanted first, y’know?” Mitsuru swallows hard around the words, but the way Sho’s eyes widen at him tells him he’s following perfectly well. “How about a kiss to find out?”

The strangled little sound that Sho makes at him has him convinced he definitely went too far in asking this, but then Sho grabs him by the front of his shirt and pulls him closer, and presses a fierce kiss to his lips that warms Mitsuru from the inside out. It takes him a minute to breathe, to actually move his lips, and by then Sho’s grip on him has softened, a hand around the back of his neck and another resting at his waist. He’s intent, passionate even, and Mitsuru smiles into a little. Even if the world doesn’t change for either of them, he’s not sure he needs it to.

He’s pleasantly surprised at Sho’s eyes when the kiss breaks, the particularly warm shade of brown that his eyes are and the pink flush in his cheeks from the force of their kiss.

#battle royale #mitsuru numai #sho tsukioka #*f: mine #*f: br #*f: sho #*f: mitsuru #*f: soulmate au

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carveredlunds · 7 years

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“It's weird. It's just different. It's not... men... it's just him.” -- Ianto Jones

“Whereas Will Graham is very definitely heterosexual, but that does not necessarily prevent us from a homoerotic subtext.” -- Bryan Fuller

“One is queer. One is not. That’s life. It’s not queerbaiting.” -- Cory Michael Smith

a lot of people are up in arms about what cory said. and i understand. people are completely entitled to be upset. however, ed being straight definitely doesn’t mean this ship has sunk, and that we were all lied to and strung along and baited. far from it.

two of the most popular gay live-action relationships on tumblr are (arguably) jack and ianto from torchwood, and hannibal and will from hannibal. however, ianto himself says that he’s not gay. he’s not attracted to men. he’s just attracted to jack harkness. and bryan fuller has said, in various interviews, that will graham is straight. and yet hannigram is still one of the most beautiful depictions of a homosexual relationship in television history.

ed being straight doesn’t end nygmobblepot. i mean, first of all, cory’s word is not gospel. yes, he has some creative control over his characterisation, but ultimately, the writers can flip ed’s sexuality any which way, if (and when) the story calls for it.

at the moment, ed’s claimed to only be in love with kristen and isabella, but that could all change. (especially given that ed’s love for kristen and isabella wasn’t genuine love at all, and he’s never sacrificed anything for either of them. more on that in my other meta here.)

secondly, ed might think he’s straight right now. but that doesn’t necessarily mean that he’s right. this is a guy who didn’t lose his virginity until his late 20′s, and presumably had few close connections to either men or women before adulthood. so (because heteronormativity is a bitch) ed probably just assumes he’s straight because the only “love” he’s ever experienced has been for kristen and isabella.

ed’s heterosexuality doesn’t mean that ed and oswald won’t still have a complex, interesting, relationship. there is no denying that ed cares deeply for oswald, and that oswald had a huge hand in making ed into the man he is today. there are some deep, complicated emotions between these two. it’s not as simple as “ed loves oswald, and then they become boyfriends.” it’s a lot more complicated than that.

ed’s feelings might be similar to ianto’s. he sees himself as straight. and, for the most part, he is straight. he’s usually attracted to women. but oswald is the exception. because oswald is right -- no one knows ed the way that oswald does. no one has loved ed as selflessly, and deeply, as oswald now loves him. ed labels himself as heterosexual, because, perhaps, he mostly is. and yet he’s still in love with oswald.

will never outright said that he was in love with hannibal. they openly said that hannibal was in love with will, and will was super queer coded, but will’s feelings were never explicitly stated. he said some pretentious poetic things that implied that he loved hannibal (“i told him to leave because i wanted him to run... and because i wanted to run away with him.” “you and i have begun to blur.” “we're conjoined. i’m curious whether either of us can survive separation.”)

but he never actually said the words “i am in love with hannibal lecter.” he didn’t have to. it was clear, by the end of the season, that will felt something for hannibal. whether it was infatuation or obsession or love, it was definitely something. just as ed doesn’t have to explicitly state that he is in love with oswald, it’s still clear, from his expressions and his reactions to oswald, that he feels something for him.

ed spends most of 3.14 looking conflicted and confused (see: his angry reaction when oswald says “i did because i love you. you should know that.” and his expression when oswald asks if he passed the test, and his expression while oswald is telling him that they need each other, and his expression after oswald falls into the water.)

the final straw of ed’s grand plan™ depended on the fact that oswald couldn’t change. but now ed’s been proven wrong. do yourself a favour, and re-read this beautiful bit of dialogue:

oswald: “the fact that i love you proves that i can change. just give me a chance.”

ed: “you know as well as i that a man facing death will say anything to save his skin. and you won't change... because you can't.”

that’s ed saying that he’s not giving oswald a chance because he believes that oswald is incapable of changing. not because he doesn’t reciprocate his feelings. but because he thinks that oswald is capable of love. ed is basically saying “i’m not giving us a chance because you are incapable of love.”

(though, that’s probably a subconscious thing on ed’s part. he was just completely closed to the idea of having a relationship with oswald because, in his mind, it could never happen. he just didn’t consider the possibility, so it’s not even a conscious thing.)

so, now that he knows oswald is capable of change, his feelings towards entering a relationship with oswald might change. because his view of oswald as a person have changed. he thought that oswald was a heartless, loveless, person. turns out, he’s wrong. and ed hates being wrong. so that’s gonna prey on his mind.

of course, ed later says “i don’t love you”, but i think that’s just a case of ed being in super deep Denial, because he’s conflicted about his very complex feelings for oswald. ed can say he doesn’t love oswald all he wants, but there’s no denying that the two of them have a very deep, twisted, relationship.

nygmobblepot isn’t over, y’all. it’s just getting started.

#gotham #nygmobblepot #nygmobblepositivity #edward nygma #gotham meta #sophie speaks #sophie talks about gotham

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isolated-loser · 5 years

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Log 0027, ??pm, 9-????-2019

Monday, the 23th. I when to school, was in math class toward, then end of class we had to go to the board to get "class participation," because showing up isn't good enough, for this fucking bitch, me having stood there, for like five minutes confused at, because I was on the wrong question, because she didn't have them labeled properly. Said something like, my fantastic teacher Miss, McBitchface(iusedherrealnamenotthat), what am I supposed to do, I'm as dumb as a fucking fence, I don't understand what I’m supposed to do with this. Then like a minute later, she say go sit down “I'll find you,” me none the wiser, thinking I might actually get some fucking help, stand there for a moment as someone, a nether student, tells me what I was doing wrong, i.e. that I was trying to do the wrong problem, then I go sit down.

The people sitting next to me, ask why I said that, me still none the wiser, think there referring to me saying I don't know what she wanted me to do. Then at the end if class, I grab my things cuss I need to get to my next class across campus, the teacher tell me I can't leave yet I say something about the fact I need to get to a class across campus, she says something, I say something, she say walk with me, then fucking grabs my arm, hard and pulls me out if the class room, down the hall 20ish feet, then starts chewing me out, I'm still now sure why, and she's all like you know what you did, and how interpret that is, and then she's like now I have to report you for that, and bla bla bla, something something, bla bla, this can be a warning, then she walks off. I had no fucking idea what I did, I was confused as hell. On the verge of crying, all I did was say, I didn't know what to do, so I'm in trouble because you a bad teacher now? I eventually, figure out it was because, I used a cuss word, at least I think that’s what it was. But this is college; everyone in here is an adult, most if which weren't even young adults So, I'm in trouble for using fowl language, in a room full of fucking adults. It's goddamn bullshit. I even forgot to sign the roll, so I didn't even get credit for being in the class that day.

I would have knocked this bitch on her fat saggy ass, for laying a finger on me. This pretentious motherfucking bitch, needs to get her shit set straight. Gods, all I could think about, most of the day after was how much I wanted to slash her tires; in a way that insurance wouldn't cover it. This shit, pretty much ruined the rest of that day. I was so fucking angry & frustrated. Then in writing comp, I was able to find out the paper, I thought I had due at 12am that morning, I have till then end of the week to complete. So that was a good thing.

Later, I went to the nerd shop, to run dnd. When okay. One of my players is going to split of and start his own table, which is good. Sad to see him go, but it's ok. It’s probably a good thing, honestly. I plan to tell whoever’s at my table, that I’m going to try to finish off my campaign the next few sessions. So I can start a new one.

Tuesday, the 24th. When to classes, really didn't want to go to math, that bitch put a bad taste in my mouth. But I didn't have much of a choice, had the test, left. Went to the cafeteria, studied for the history test I had no and hour and a half later, and worked on writing home work, then when to the history test. When I got the five minutes beforehand, I remembered I didn't have a blue book, I was all oh well, cus I thought it was for note to help you on the test, but no it was for the test itself so, couldn't finish the test. I was able to finish a little over half the test, so there's something, I guess.

After I left Queen invite me over so I when to her place, after having to fight with my mother about a doctor's appointment, I had for nothing I cared about.

When I got to Tess I hung out, did some more of that writing home work, watched an episode of Lucifer. That actually a really good show from the episode I watched anyway. Then my boy toy Witch boi, called me back and asked if I wanted to go with him to run errands. I was All like yah but I'm hanging with Queen, then queen was like he could pick you up here, then I told him. Then me and Queen watched more Lucifer, and I continue my homework till hottie got there, then I left with him.

Did a few things, then we got to a parking lot, and he started his have existential dread, I try to comfort him through that, not well. I hate seeing him like that I care about, his bitch ass, and I want to make it better, but I know I can't. I honestly think I might really love him. Which, is tripping me out. I don't like that I care about someone so much. It's strange. It makes me feel weak. But back to what I had be typing about.

Then we eventually got out of the car, cuss hot dying. And leaned, against the back of his car, where he pulled me into a leaning hug, it was so nice. I love being close to him, I was still all in that, what can I do to help him feel better type mood, but he apparently need some more physically affection, and I wasn't going to deny him that, I wanted to be giving him lots of physical affection, but I didn't want to make him feel trapped, uncomfortable, or like I'm trying to get in his pants. Because I know when I'm flipping out, I can be really iffy about touch.

We kissed a few times, he said I looked stunning in the light of the setting sun, but not in those words, then went in to Barnes and Noble, cuss he wanted to get the new magic books. Then we did a few more things. On the way to my home, witch boi, was have tripping over every little thing, I know that minor inconveniences, can trigger suppressed emotions. But I really don't like seeing him upset. It makes me upset. He shouted at one point, not at me, but that, I don't like that.

Wednesday, the 25th. It was alright, didn't do too, too, much. Started it of with a panic attack, Did my classes, got chewed out some by my bio teacher, but eh. Tried to help a dude I know, set up a game of vampire the masquerade. It was, what it was. Then I'd some math homework. And drew some, It's been a long while since I've had an urge to draw, that bad. So, I did. That's about it. Mood was low all day. When o I got in the car to go home I started having a nether panic attack, which was really not good.

During the ride I kept seeing in me brain, bad things. I was really mad at someone, I don't know why. Then I started saying really fucked up shit, and strangling them, then it flipped to where I was tarring open a type of dog and ripped its jaw bone from its skull, I could feel the blood. I didn't want to, I really didn't want to. It was flipping me out really hard, then my boyfriend, Witch boi texted me, being like hay, and I asked if I could call him in a few minutes, he responded so happy like. When I got home still flipping out really bad, I called and he tried to comfort me. He was so patient, and caring, gods, I don't deserve him. After a while I eventually calmed down, and we talked normal then eventually end the call everything seem ok. He told me to call him later, if I needed him. Then I went and did my nightly-s, still a little messed up, feeling bad for making him have to deal with that.

Thrsday, the 26th. It was a day. I didn't go to school. When to planned Parenthood to do the pre appointment to get an IUD. Then when I got there come to find out it wasn't a pre appointment, it was a lugit appointment to get the IUD. I was supposed as f. I sure as hell wasn't going to say no, cus that was the untire reason I made the original appointment. So I sat my happy ass down got it done. It wasn't plesint. It frankly sucked, but I was prepared for to yo be a lot worst. There were cramps but I got through it. Then I skeguled an otrasoned, to check it later. Then left, checked out the local spirit shop. The when to the nerd shop for DND. Started cramping badly about 2 hours after I got to the shop. Tryed to play I honestly wasn't that activity during the game everyone felt bad for me which sucks, but I was weak and putetick. On and of crying the whole game. Got a ride home with eyebrows. When I got home, I did my shit. Witch boi texted me, then we texted back in forth for a few, he was feeling not ok and need to call me, he didn't say such I could just tell, so seid if he need to call me he could and then he did, and we talked. So he doesn't want to effect me with his mental health, like that's even a fucking facter. Like God damnit. I fucking love this fool and he's worried about fucking up my mental health, my mental health is already shit it would be really hard to fuck up my metal health further than it already is. Gods I don't know.

Friday, the 27th. It was a day I couldn't get much sleep, and was still cramping, so I didn't go to class. Went to little wars, hung with Rat, played magic. I played 3 games, one on one with rat, that I won with 3070 1/1 rat tokens, that made my rat colunys super beefy, second me Rat and a nether dude, who killed killed me , then the last one where it was me Rat that other did & eyebrows, where me and eyebrows ended up being the last tow players eye brows fucking recked my rats, but I had fun. I would have played a few more games but the cramps were getting to bad so I when out side for a bit, then came back in, then back out, then back in. Witch boi then showed up, we went outside and talked for a while. It got emotional, and shit. His friends told him that that think that his relationship with me is to much for him right now, and he wasn't sure if that were right and shit. And we talked about that for a few hours, in which we almost bruck up. I hate that I let myself love him. We were seconds from it I should have just let it happen seve us both the fucking pain later. I've fucked up. Letting my self fall for him. I knew it was going to end like this. I knew I was driving myself over. I just knew. But I fucking did it enyway. I always fuck myself over

Saterday the 28th witch boi and I broke up.

A text to witch boi, form Sunday the 29th

*Start*

I feel like shit. Physically. Mentally. That's to be expected. I woke up having a panic attack, where I was shacking so hard I couldn't breath, desperate for anyone. I've cycled through, panic attacks, numbness, crying, over & over today. Why, I'm telling you this. I know, I shouldn't be, since we're not a thing. It's not going to fix this. It can't change what is, what happened. It's pointless. I guess it's just some bullshit attempt to make myself feel better, that isn't going to work. I shouldn't send this, but I am. I can't make it any worse, or maybe I can, but what difference would it make it all shaddered anyway. I'm not ok. I don't want to be. I would not have gotten here if I was. I would not be what I am. I'll take the ride as dangerous as it maybe. As desperately as I need you. It will fade. Everything dose. Days will pass the love will turn into hate before fading to indifference. As much as I wish the past days never happened, that everything was like before, they did, there real. Touchable. It can't be how it was. I let you see my black. I knew it was going to happen. The day before was a drop of water to start a title wave of nothing. I scared you. It hurts that I did. I didn't want that. I can't change it. I have my bad. I always will. Its not an option. I can't change it out. Even if I could I wouldn't. I never wanted it to end like that. I didn't want it to end at all. But it doesn't matter now. I don't think it ever really did. I wanted this to work. I really did. But I broke it. I'm sure I could continue over all my missteps, but I'm not. There's no point in it.

Here's a wall of text don't bother reading it, it does nothing

*stop*

Yeah it was a start time. I’m going to start logging aging. So bla bla bla. will post new up date tomorrow or next day.

Signing Off…

Favorite song today: N/a

Mood: Mostly lows

#eh #life #ex boyfriend #old #oldoldold #bipolar #actuallybipolar #personal #idk

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