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karamazovposting · 5 hours

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On Ivan and bipolar disorder (part four)

Since this is (finally) the last part of this essay and I've already previously mentioned what it will be about, I don't have an introduction to make, but I do think I need to give a couple disclaimers before getting right into this mess. First one: I have a lot of explaining to do because this gets medical again and I can't just assume you all know exactly what I'm talking about and/or to what extent; I hope I won't overexplain or sound condescending. On this same note, I forgot to open part one by explaining that bipolar disorder is a chronic mental illness that is treatable through lifelong medication and not necessarily lifelong therapy but not curable because to me that's a given, so sorry if you didn't have much knowledge on the topic and had to read my yapping with little or even no context. Second one: I will be using some words (such as "delusional") that are to be taken literally, in the medical sense. I'm not saying this because I think you are all stupid of course, but to highlight the seriousness of what I've been talking about these past months; it seems to me that lately medical terminology regarding mental health has been watered down a lot by Internet culture to the point of it losing its meaning, with memes about being "delulu 🤪" or reducing mania to dyeing your hair by yourself at 2 AM leading people to not take these things seriously. I don't mean to be a spoilsport or anything, I like and share those memes too but I've actually been (hypo)manic and delusional in the past so I guess I have the right to joke about it at least. Maybe it's not that serious but I want it to be serious at least here, which is also why I've never referred to episodes as "mood swings". I don't do that in real life either, even when talking to people who don't know much about bipolar disorder, because I've always found the term reductive and misleading: everyone has mood swings, it came free with being a human being. In my opinion it contributes to the misunderstanding of this disorder and the people who have it; no, we are not moody by default and no, we don't change our minds every five minutes or are happy one moment and then suddenly sad the next (seriously, who came up with these stereotypes and how?), but I digress.

This said, let's get down to business. I want to start with one detail that is either one of the most absurd coincidences in the entire history of literature or proof that Dostoevsky was somewhat somehow familiar with bipolar disorder and decided to integrate some things he witnessed in Ivan's character (I guess without knowing, as at the time there was very little understanding of it to the point it wasn't really considered an illness and was referred to as circular insanity and later as manic-depression, which are both cooler names than bipolar disorder but again I digress) because I swear I can't find any other explanation for it: the timeline of The Brothers Karamazov. It might seem like a very small detail, but as soon as I figured out the timeline I thought of fucking course. Now, we all know the timeline of this novel is a little confusing at first as there are almost no indicators of how much time has passed between Alyosha running from one house to another first and shit going down second, but in the first half of the novel we know it all starts in late August and honestly I didn't make anything of it, but then the timeline becomes clearer after Dmitri's arrest and we end up in early November for the trial and I mean, nothing particularly interesting or peculiar about a book covering the events of a (little over) two-month timespan, right? Technically yes, because it's not the amount of time that has passed that matters, but the time of the year: if it all had, for example, taken place from late June to early August or from late December to early February I wouldn't even be talking about it, because there's no seasonal change taking place in those months. August to November, however, is another story. I also find it interesting that it's the change from warm to cold weather, as it's the one that's the hardest for most people (for me personally it's the opposite, the shift from Winter to Spring is a nightmare, but I'm a rare case when it comes to that); I don't really know why, but the seasonal changes are always delicate periods for people with bipolar disorder as they can trigger episodes, I guess it's pretty much the same mechanism that occurs in seasonal depression. So, let me lay the timeline out for you: the Karamazovs reunite in late August, Ivan leaves a few days after, Fyodor is murdered shortly after, so probably in early September and Dmitri is arrested the same night, then Ivan comes back five days later, the trial takes place in early November the day after Pavel hangs himself, and Dmitri is sentenced five days before the story ends with Ilyusha's funeral. This timeline detail seriously drives me insane because all the other puzzle pieces I've been putting together for a while could be related to other disorders/conditions as well, such as schizophrenia (schizoaffective bipolar disorder is a thing too but I don't have it so I can't really say anything about it) and autism (autism and bipolar disorder have a lot in common), or even to just personality, but this? It's a little too oddly specific in my opinion, but I'll just keep assuming it's a coincidence for the sake of my own mental health.

Anyway, this means the story starts when a seasonal change is approaching, which is already a delicate time on its own, and Ivan has to put himself in an unpleasant situation that has a high chance of turning into a shitshow (and it does): going somewhere he wants to leave as soon as possible to discuss things he doesn't want to discuss surrounded by people he doesn't want to deal with. That's not a good start at all and it would be enough to put me, someone who has been medicated for seven years, on edge (and it has in the past); no wonder he's pissed off all the time. And it's only the start since, as we all know, the worst is yet to come. I love that the reader only gets bits and pieces of the build-up of Ivan's episode through the other characters' points of view and I particularly love how said build-up reaches its climax; it doesn't happen when Ivan hallucinates the devil (as it's mentioned he's seen him before and has also had other similar experiences in the past, I'll get into that later), but exactly a moment before that. But first, let's focus on the main build-up moments we see bits and pieces of before that. I was impressed by how realistically the whole thing was portrayed, especially considering that at the time almost everyting about this disorder was unknown; still to this day, in 2024, many people think bipolar disorder is a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde situation, with the person being "normal" one day and waking up "crazy" the next like some sort of magic happening overnight, but that's straight up not true, it doesn't happen. Bipolar disorder is way more rational than one would think (very fitting for Ivan, isn't it?) and at times you do have an awful amount of self-awareness but can do nothing with it, it's kind of like being stuck in the passenger seat of a car with a broken steering wheel and broken breaks that's speeding straight against a wall; you know what's happening but can do nothing but watch and hope the crash won't be that painful. And that's how I felt reading too, every time I saw those bits and pieces of Ivan's story I thought oh no it's happening. And Ivan knows it's happening too, as we see in Book Eleven.

I've focused on The brothers get acquainted, Rebellion and The Grand Inquisitor already, but I have to mention them again because as I've already explained they're such a pivotal point; before that we don't really know what Ivan's deal is, but as soon as we get acquainted (sorry, I had to) with him we start to notice that something's definitely up, and there is one seemingly small detail that I just can't get out of my head: when Ivan gets up and starts walking after his talk with his brother, Aleksej points out to himself that he's swaying a little. Considering it's implied that Ivan has a problem with alcohol (it runs in the family after all) in other occasions too, that's probably an indicator that Ivan had been drinking during his stay. Not only is there a strong link between bipolar disorder and substance abuse (how could there not be? Shit's tough and sometimes you have to self medicate, especially in the 1800s), but alcohol and drugs can trigger episodes or make them worse; Ivan is also once again dealing with everything alone and trust me, that's recipe for disaster. And of course after that the aforementioned metaphorical car does nothing but gain speed and Ivan increasingly becomes angrier, restless and frantic: he has trouble sleeping, he starts isolating himself even more, he talks faster, his thoughts start racing, his speech pattern becomes more and more incoherent and he can't stay still as he's mentioned walking back and forth for seemingly no reason in different occasions; all textbook symptoms. He visibly looks sick too and bipolar episodes are known to take a toll on your physical appearance (I looked like a walking corpse for years) as well as having physical symptoms manifest along the psychological/psychiatric ones, such as headaches caused by stress, which Ivan frequently has, because stress is a major trigger for bipolar disorder (and Ivan is undeniably quite stressed). Sleep also plays a huge role when it comes to bipolar disorder as it can quite literally determine your faith: the the very first sign to watch out for if you feel something might be wrong is a change in sleeping habits; if they start changing significantly it means something's definitely up and you need to intervene as soon as possible (I have prevented episodes from either spiraling or happening at all like that but it takes years of practice). Ivan's sleep schedule, if we can even call it that, during his episode reminds me of my own during an insane (no pun intended?) mixed episode I've had and it makes sense since after every manic episode comes a "crash", and during mixed episodes you can crash back and forth for days; it happened to me. But what is a manic crash? It can be summed up with a simple phrase: what comes up must come down. It's like throwing a ball in the air, it reaches its peak up there and after that it's all downhill until it crashes down on the ground and the higher it goes, harder the crash: if you stay up all night while manic, you'll sleep all day while depressed, the more euphoric you are, the more dysphoric you'll be; so it makes sense for Ivan to sleep more and more as he "comes down". As for the fever, stress can do that. Brain fever is nothing but a 19th century literature thing because it's not a real diagnosis and at the time severe emotional and psychological upset was classified as either that or hysteria, which isn't a real diagnosis either.

Another puzzle piece that fits way too well is that little mention of him tidying his room himself despite having someone to do it for him; I know it's probably thrown in there to highlight his self-isolating independence, but cleaning and tidying are very common (to the point it's almost a cliché) activities to do when you're having a (hypo)manic or mixed episode because they help getting rid of all the extra energy and give you a sense of control over your life; for me it's almost compulsive (compulsions and obsessive thoughts are common in bipolar disorder because bipolar disorder is like three different conditions in a trenchcoat), I've found myself obsessively cleaning my bathroom every day for months and fighting the compulsion to do the dishes even when it wasn't necessary. It's mentioned that Ivan feels the increasing loss of control and is ashamed of it, which brings us to the very important topics, when it comes to him, of self-awareness and control.

I already mentioned it in part one but I want to say it again: control is crucial when it comes to bipolar disorder; something out of your control happening in your life or not having enough control over your symptoms and emotions is enough to send you down (or up) a dangerous path (sounds familiar?). It takes years of treatment to be able to deal with the unexpected and to let go of this control freak attitude, but Ivan is riding this rollercoaster with no seat belt so here we are. I think this reflects best in his attitude when visiting Pavel in the hospital after Dmitri's arrest, when Ivan says he came back from Moscow as soon as possible to fix the mess they all made in his absence. He's particularly keen on letting Pavel know he has no intention of playing games and it's clear he has a no bullshit allowed policy when it comes to his family, which checks out with what I went over in part three: Ivan's presence in the Karamazov household means quiet and order. Ivan definitely has a strong personality and to me it feels like that kind of strong personality one has to develop to stay afloat, and considering Ivan is not comfortable with showing "weakness"...well; I'll get to that later. I don't know if it's a middle child thing because I'm not a middle child but I'm the only diagnosed and medicated person in a family that feels more like an emotional minefield and let me tell you, I've been running that shit like it's the Navy for years and I'm pretty sure I'm the only case of a youngest son with eldest daughter syndrome in human history and yes, it's a bipolar thing. The need for control is so strong that it extends to your surroundings and therefore the people around you; I don't know how to explain it because it's not a manipulation thing, it's an I can't deal with my own emotions so having someone express theirs in an extreme way makes me uncomfortable and I also need a stable environment to not lose my mind so I need to de-escalate any situation that might trigger me thing; it's cleaning up after other people's mess for your own sake. And maybe a little savior complex, at least in my case. Anyway, if Ivan keeps his family stable he keeps himself stable as well, so he has to take matters into his own hands even when it's too late. Damage control is a very important skill if you have bipolar disorder.

I've already been over Ivan's visceral anger so I won't go over it again, but I want to spend a few words for that one part where he punches Pavel: been there done that, and normally I'm not even a violent person. It was a pretty similar situation too: someone had been tormenting me for months while I already wasn't doing good at all, took it too far one day and I just snapped; I didn't even mean to hit that person but it's not something you can gain control over when it gets to that point, so I get where Ivan was coming from and I'll defend him until the day I die.

Since I'm going in chronological order, as you might have already noticed, this means I've finally reached the fun part. Brace yourselves, this is going to be long. I don't have much to say about the whole devil ordeal that hasn't already been said, after all it's the most blatant manifestation of Ivan's mental health status, and I think it's more important to focus on what's around the hallucination rather than the hallucination itself. The first and most important thing I noticed is that Ivan is not scared, and it makes sense for him to not be because the narrator says that situation feels familiar to Ivan, making this the second time it's mentioned by the narrator that Ivan has a past history of both depressive and dysphoric manic (usually referred to as mixed) episodes, which alone qualifies for a formal bipolar disorder diagnosis; now that I think about it I could have just said this instead of making four posts about it, but where's the fun in that? Also I don't have enough information to armchair diagnose this 19th century fictional character with a specific type of bipolar disorder, so I laid out all the relevant information for you to interpet it however you want, if you're familiar with this stuff. I think he could be either bipolar I or bipolar II as there aren't many differences between those two types. For reference, I'm bipolar II (electric boogalo), which is usually mainly depressive and has less intense "ups" (mania when it's bipolar I and hypomania when it's bipolar II, but mania and manic are often used as umbrella terms and I've used them as such in this). Ivan's episode seems more mixed (having both manic and depressive symptoms at the same time, I should've explained it earlier, sorry) than purely manic and mixed episodes are more likely to happen in bipolar II and/or to those who start having symptoms in adolescence regardless of type and I think that checks out (go to part two for that). However, hallucinating a whole person and having conversations with them is a pretty big deal and my own hallucinations are nothing like that, usually hearing noises such as knocks on my door or seeing shadows or bugs at the corner of my eye and things looking slightly off and changing in shape and size; nothing big that I can interact with and I can easily ignore that the rare times it happens. Wikipedia says that any kind of hallucination classifies as mania, but my psychiatrists obviously know I've hallucinated in the past and still haven't changed my diagnosis so don't trust Wikipedia I guess, probably because my hypomanic episodes have never significantly impaired my ability to function (like they haven't significantly impaired Ivan's; trust me, he could be doing much worse). There is a lot of nuance that Internet articles lack in my opinion.

Anyway, let's go back to focusing on how Ivan feels: he's not scared, but he is exhausted and desperate. And it's heartbreaking. Not the hardest part of The Brothers Karamazov for me to read, not at all actually, but way too familiar. Ivan, who has a strong personality and a no bullshit allowed policy, who usually speaks in a firm voice and who refused to get help even if he knew his mental state was getting worse, breaks down (in private, of course) and begs and pleads; please leave me alone, shut up. He goes back and forth between desperation and rage (very mixed episode of him) and what struck me the most is how harsh his words are: almost every time the devil says something, Ivan replies with an insult or even more in a row. Yes, it's not that atypical of him considering how he talks and refers to Pavel or Dmitri, but it's, again, heartbreaking because he's never acted like that with them (or even with his father) and he knows the devil is actually himself. He's reserving his worst words, his worst attitude, his most burning and consuming rage and hatred, for himself. And he knows that. Worst thing of all to me is that at some point he covers his ears to not hear the devil, his own thoughts, and I've done that. Sometimes those thoughts are so loud that they seem to come from an outside source and covering your ears comes naturally. It obviously doesn't work. I have many other thoughts about Ivan's devil but they don't have much to do with bipolar disorder so maybe I'll write another post in the future if I feel like it. Also honorable mention to the thrown glass because apparently I've done something similar once even if I genuinely don't remember it at all (bipolar disorder also causes memory loss so you barely rememeber your episodes, it's kind of like trying to recall the events of a party you got drunk at, we're not getting into that though).

Maybe I see Ivan's story and character as less dark and tragic than the average reader does, because to most people constantly walking up and down restless with racing, out of control, incoherent thoughts and experiencing delusions and hallucinations is understandably a terrifying experience, but for me up until a couple years ago that was just a random Tuesday. I mean it is terrifying but you get used to it, after a while you understand the twisted logic bipolar disorder operates under and it becomes less scary (still is at times) and more annoying, you try to keep up with your meds and manage your symptoms as best as you can and just go on with your life while still trying to fight it when/if you can (it's less depressing than how I'm describing it I swear, I really don't know how to convey that feeling). I don't see myself as a walking tragedy or as doomed (anymore), mental illness is just mundane to me and so is to Ivan; I think Dostoevsky did a marvelous job at portraying just how uneventful it can feel from the inside and we see it the contrast between what's happening to Ivan and his reaction to it and also between the other characters' perception of him and his own perception of himself. There is nothing other than concern coming from his loved ones, no judgment, they acknowledge that he's unwell and they usually refer to him as such; Ivan on the other hand refuses to and therefore refuses to take care of himself or, God forbid, let others take care of him. He knew an episode was approaching, but as long as he was physically okay his mental state didn't matter to him. Ivan's biggest flaw is that he's independent and self-absorbed (for lack of a better word) in an unhealthy, negative, bipolar way and it only fuels his anger: the only valid judgment and opinion of himself is his own and he doesn't have a positive view of himself. The devil tells him the people at the trial will pity him and Ivan snaps; he doesn't want to be pitied, he doesn't want to be seen as "weak" because he has internalized refusal for "weakness" and "cowardice" (he asks himself if he's a coward in different occasions, sometimes straight up calling himself that). How could he not have internalized it? He was neglected growing up and as an adult he always seems to be held at an impossible standard due to the way his personality was forced to develop, from being expected to keep the peace between the Karamazovs to even after his father is brutally murdered; at the trial Ippolit Kirillovič says that if Ivan was so sure of his brother's innocence, why didn't go to the police after Smerdyakov's confession? To them that must mean said confession never happened and that Dmitri is the murderer, but in reality Ivan (poor thing) didn't go because he was delusional and thought the two of them were going to confess together the following day. People expect him to be able to think straight and fix his family's mess even when he can't. And still, he doesn't break down even at the trial: he's firm even in his delirium, he never falters, his voice never breaks, he's determined and strong like he's expected to be, even if the others can't see it. He does the right thing for himself, not caring about anyone else's opinion, and in a sense he's some sort of modern Cassandra, cursed to tell the truth without being believed by those who can save his family (and in some versions of Cassandra's myth she goes mad due to witnessing the fall of Troy). He never cries; there's only one mention of him crying in the whole novel and contrary to other characters crying, it's not something we are told by the narrator himself but it's thrown in a conversation between Katya and Alyosha by Katya. Ivan only cried in private, in front of the person who insisted to take care of him. This talk about his relationship with "weakness" and the (partial) act he puts up definitely makes more sense in relation to part three and I hope you get what I'm trying to say.

Speaking of the trial, I was struck by the attention brought to the Karamazovs', as a whole, ability to see and navigate through two opposite abysses. Dostoevsky, what the hell? Does it mean what I think it means? I don't know, but it sure is a familiar image to me and Dmitri does seem to walk the fine line between regular human behaviour and diagnostic criteria, but I don't have many thoughts about that, it could be anything really, mostly because none of them are actual real people. My own interpretation of those characters is more "literal" even if I know they're just tools to convey certain topics and messages and if you want to get more symbolic with them please do, I'd love to read it. Honestly I like the idea of a character with a heavily emotion-driven arc such as Ivan having a disorder that fucks with one's emotions so much; also seeing someone behaving like me being treated with tact and a particular kind of sensitivity by the other characters and the author himself is so special to me (at least considering the historical context, I mean they could've just thrown him in a madhouse and called it a day but nobody even thought about doing that) because uhm...I didn't receive such kindness growing up.

There are many characters from other books, movies, and shows that I love and relate to but have never seen as bipolar coded in any way, they were just relatable, but Ivan hits different as he's the first character I've seen that is so unapologetically bipolar. I've watched shows and movies with characters that canonically have bipolar disorder and even they can't hold a candle to him (let bipolar people or at least people who are familiar with them write bipolar characters I'm begging you). There isn't a single character from The Brothers Karamazov that I hate or even dislike (yes, not even Fyodor, he's not a good person but he's a good character) and all the brothers are special to me, but I just can't help having this soft spot for Ivan, I want to give him a hug and my meds.

I'm not really going to talk about Ivan's ending because while I do obviously have things to say, they don't belong here. I just want to say that him having an open and uncertain ending (I love open and uncertain endings) even more than the other characters do is very fitting.

And that's a wrap! Thanks for sticking with me and I hope this was an interesting and maybe even educational (there's a lot of ignorance regarding bipolar disorder and I try to raise awareness every time I can) read, but most of all I hope I managed to make sense. I like this part more than part three because I wrote it after surviving the seasonal change while during part three I was in the trenches but oh well, the past is past. No notes on part one and two, those are good I guess. Also I've said variations of been there done that a ridiculous amount of times in this whole thing but my Twitter display name is Ivan Karamazov kinnie for a reason. And I won't apologize for the shitty jokes by the way.

See you soon* with other literary analysis!

*= don't rely on my words too much, it could be tomorrow like it could be in ten years

#very funny how I started this thing citing the specific chapters I was referring to and gradually went more and more “fuck it”#and only mentioned in which books the things I'm talking about happen or straight up mentioned absolutely nothing just vibes #the stuff is all in the book tho I swear #the brothers karamazov #ivan karamazov #bipolar ivan karamazov agenda #thoughts #mine

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sharoscylla · 11 months

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1, 2, 3, 5, 7, 13, 14, 17, 19 for whoever comes to mind and seems most interesting/you want to talk about most with each question (feel free to do multiple also if you want!

Oooh, I'll run through a few OCs with this one. Under a cut because of the subject matter (abuse, child abuse, child neglect, child sexual abuse, incest, transphobia, uh... certainly other things, my OCs are going through it)

What memory would the OC rather forget: you know I realized I give a LOT of my OCs memory problems now that I look at this... let's do Ripley here, even though the act of becoming Ripley by default means that at 18 she forgets 80% of her life in one fell swoop and pretends that she forgets the other 20%. Like yeah, she wishes she could forget having been abused and abandoned by the one person she thought she could count on. She doesn't remember his name but she wishes she could forget that she just wasn't good enough for him, or their parents, or anyone else. She wishes she could forget that her mom treated her body like something she owned and could reshape and dress and undress and move. She wishes she could forget having spent most of her childhood desperately trying to please that woman and never understanding what she was doing wrong.

something about my OC people wouldn't expect from looking at them: for aleksei/oeddie, no matter what the setting, people don't expect him to be conversationally fluent in multiple languages. (part of that is because he usually looks like a big, rough biker-gang criminal/space pirate criminal, part of that is because the people who know him know he's illiterate and visibly treat him like he doesn't understand what's going on. in Humility it's just that he's a big out-of-fashion country boy shyly clinging to the person he came with... for like 3 centuries lmao)

my OC's fatal flaw+do they know about the flaw: I think a common flaw my OCs tend to have is a complete lack of faith in other people, to a certain extent. they're generally people who have been so badly hurt and used in their lives that they don't believe other people are even really capable of caring about or helping them when they need it, so they often just try to stick it out on their own when times are rough, even to the exclusion and hurt of the friends and family they do end up with. some versions of Kip, Ripley, and Grim end up with the inverse, where they're convinced that no matter how good or caring other people are, they're uniquely viscerally off-putting/spiritually sick in a way that makes people loathe, dislike, or ignore them. this tends to overlap with some pretty debilitating and intense mental illnesses though, so I'm not sure if it counts as a flaw in some cases.

5. how far is my OC willing to go to get what they want: it's really an interesting question because i think it kind of... illuminates that a lot of my OCs tend to be inserted into situations where they've been stuck in survival/reaction mode for so long they have a hard time conceptualizing wanting something beyond that. Cricket, Nal, and Ripley all want similar things for different reasons, and all end up questing to (and eventually, succeeding in) kill a god or gods, but they're in situations where the price for doing so - your own humanity and peace of mind - are worthless to them because of their damaged pasts. Aleksei very clearly wants Jonah M (not an OC lol) to love him, but isn't willing to accept that the price of Jonah M's love is either changing himself or changing Jonah M. Kip wants to be wanted by her parents, but in her refusal to accept the reality of who they are has adopted intense delusions about what would be necessary to gain their love and willingly destroys her own life, even to the point of trying to destroy her own personality and identity and disappearing off the face of the earth, just to do what she thinks is necessary to get the attention she needs to be valuable to them, despite the pretty clear evidence that nothing she will ever do will get them to care about her.

7. one way my OC has changed since I came up with them: this is a fun one actually. Ripley and Oeddie/Aleksei came from the same OC, Oedipus "Oeddie" Lastname (the last name changed for different settings,) which was a character that my 17 year old self did NOT know was a trans dude because my 17 year old self did not know, in 2003-2004, that this was an option for people. So a huge part of that character was "person who'd grown up extremely isolated with a pack of shitty brothers and no one else, who didn't know Girl was an option until escaping this family and who over-performed Girl as a way of denying childhood/past family roles despite loathing and resenting Girl." (not to get too deep into it, but the character was first developed for forum-based and IRC-based RP, so some settings I did get to play Oeddie 95% as "Boy who is going to get a big surprise the first time anybody actually sees him without a suit of power armor" and others I was told I did not have the option of playing an AFAB boy/man, so take it as you will lol.) Anyway, I made some significant changes to the Proto-Oeddie to create Gabriel Leonhardt, a big strong post-apocalyptic woman who was somewhat adopted by a gunslinger-type guy named John Leonhardt in a gladiator ring and eventually rescued by some of his fellow gunslingers just after she was forced to kill him. (You can see where Ripley came from, here, haha.) I adapted Gabe into Ripley because I watched Gravity Falls for the first time right after watching the kill bill movies for the 20th time, and i was seized with a vision. Ripley still really clearly has her roots in Proto-Oeddie, though. Oeddie/Aleksei now is just the exact same character with the exact same backstory except I, the writer, know trans people exist. Other than actually getting to be a man, there aren't very many changes to him at all, except like 6 or 7 years ago I decided he was a supertaster who would make a master chef with a little bit of training and encouragement. (And frankly, Nal is an expansion of Ripley - a fantasy/horror setting paladin that's a fusion of Ripley and Bea.)

13. if i met my OC, would the two of us get along: MOST OF MY OCs, YES, WE WOULD GET ALONG. Like, a lot of satellite OCs no, we would hate each other - people's parents and siblings, in most cases. The OCs that are kids typically wouldn't but only because by the nature of their wretched childhoods they don't tend to trust or like strange adults, but most of them would, in adulthood, get along fine with me.

14. how does my OC want to be seen by other characters: I think the overwhelming consensus is that my OCs want to be seen as worthy of love, or at least useful. Kam (visually impaired deer alien) wants to be seen as a vicious badass that's too tough to fuck with, partly because people have taken advantage of her in the past and partly because she's scared of what she does and who she is when pushed past the threshold of violence. Kam (grey jedi/sith/archaeologist) wants to be seen purely as an expert in her field, because an enormous amount of the grief in her life comes from people having punished or overlooked her for failing to meet their standards in areas she was not skilled or talented in. Something I'm having fun exploring with my florida turtle tmnt iteration is that Raph and Mikey specifically want to be seen as Normal Boys to the point that it's all they want.

17. what's the worst thing I have put my OC through, story-wise: oh my gosh. was it Natashoggoth sinking her tongue into Ripley's brain and showing her that Ford doesn't need her the way she needs him? Was it Kip and Jo screaming on the pavement, Jo holding Kip back because there's no way their three best friends/bandmates/the loves of their lives survived that fiery bus crash? was it space!Oeddie pinned to the ground as his brother destroyed his right hand and bit a chunk out of his left ear as he screamed that nobody was going to take Oeddie away again?

19. how does my OC behave when enraged: it's hard to say! like. the vast majority of my OCs have backgrounds as abused, neglected children whose emotional responses were brutally policed and who were often at the whim of people whose anger was a capricious, terrifying thing. A lot of these characters bottle up or stifle their anger, beating it down as a form of self harm, until they explode or lash out. Ripley is probably one of the healthier ones here, in that she's been trained to use her anger as a sort of stubborn survivalist motivator in most situations. Though sometimes her anger tips over into single-minded destruction, self-harm, and often arson, it was specifically her human rage at seeing Bill inhabit Ford for even a few seconds that drove her to bodyslam Bill/Ford into a literally infinite pit of magical fire.

#oc ask prompts #thanks for the ask!

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newwwwusername · 1 year

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Infinity Train (Book 2) - Lake/Jesse - Mental Health Awareness Month Prompt 4 : Anorexia

Prompt : Write a fic in which a character has Anorexia (canon or not canon) Headcanons : Anorexic!Jesse, Nonbinary!Lake

Upon getting back to the human world, Lake quickly began to notice that Jesse wouldn't really eat.

It was easy enough to miss when they were on the train because they generally had bigger things to worry about than making sure the man ate, but now that they were in the normal world, it was impossible to miss. Jesse would go days on end eating little more than a crumb. Even when school started back up and the pair would go to lunch and get food together, Jesse would never touch a thing on his tray.

Lake didn't need to eat, but they still did for the ritual of it and they knew damn well that Jesse needed to do it for his health, but he just didn't. Eventually, it got bad enough to where they felt the need to bring it up to him.

"Knock, knock" they said, standing in the doorway to his bedroom. He looked up at them from his computer and smiled.

"Come in" he said, so Lake did as such, walking in and sitting on his bed. The human turned around in his spinny chair and looked at them with that same goofy smile he always had. "How may I be of service, your majesty?"

"Why don't you eat?" Lake asked and boom, it was out in the open. Jesse's eyes dropped to the ground and a heavy silence came over the room, immediately making Lake deeply uncomfortable. "Jesse?"

"It's bad"

"How is it bad?" the reflection asked, exasperated and confused. "You need to eat to live"

"No" Jesse shook his head and he seemed more upset than Lake had ever seen him before. "No, that's bad"

"Why?"

"Because I'm an athlete, Lake" he snapped, tears swimming around in his eyes. Their mouth slammed shut. "And an athlete- A swimmer- Needs to be lean and agile and I can't do any of that if I waste all my free time shoving empty calories and garbage down my throat"

"Jesse..."

"Lake"

...

"Can I hug you?" they asked, and suddenly Jesse felt small again. He nodded slowly, so his partner got up, walked behind the chair, and wrapped their arms around him. "I'm sorry you've been feeling this way, Jes" they said gently, giving a kiss on the forehead. "I know this may not mean much, but, for the record, none of that is accurate, okay?" A nod. "Can you try eating something tomorrow with me at lunch? Even something small?"

"...I'll try"

Do not repost on other sites! If you want to participate in this month's challenge, there are 15 mental illness prompts that you can find here

#fanfic #fanfiction #fanfic challenge #infinity train #jesslake #mental health awareness month #anorexia

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dollishmind · 1 year

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» Active April '23 « [ 1 week smoke free ]

❥ a lil hearty welcome!

✦ 「 about this blog 」 ₓ˚. ୭ » safe space « ˚○◦˚.

I would say that I've overcame my ed for the most part. There are still things I'm struggling with but it no longer dominates my day. To recover wasn't really my intention but it came along when I got a better understanding for myself and my struggles and started to see some things with a slightly different mindset. Since I feel confident enough to not fully relapse again after struggling for 6 years I think I'm able to lose a bit of weight again in a much slower and healthier way than before. I do not focus or post about any numbers. No states and no food intake logs and no body checks. My main focus is on how I feel and on building healthier habits for example exercising in a way my body has a benefit from it. Making thouse changes will lead to changes in my body shape over the time. I use tumblr as a journal or more like a safe place for my thoughts and to capture what I learn on the way.

one quote I try to live by is; "Your direction is more important than your speed."

Trigger Warning

contains weight loss related content and might include eating disordered thoughts, vents and discussion about mental illnesses/health. Feel free to leave my blog anytime!

I'm not pro anything! but I support and encourage recovery and every little step in that direction [still accept and respect the state you're in and the decisions you make. I mind my own business and only want to spread kindness and to stay positive on my way]

If anything on my blog makes you feel uncomfortable please don't report just block, thank you.

[ please, if your suffering gets too much to handle seak out for help! Your pain is valid and you deserve help and support just like everyone else. Don't give up! I'm proud of you for getting through all thouse tough days! You are much more than what makes you bleed. You got this ]

About Me

she/her, 2004. I've got my diagnoses for atypical eating disorder, social anxiety and depression. Currently in therapy and doing much better now. [Not everyone has access to a proper diagnose or even treatment for it but please remember that you don't need a diagnose to acknowlage your struggles and to be worthy for help!]

I'm open to discussions about any topic. I can only represent my own persepctive but other opinions are much welcomed. [always be kind tho]

I would say that I'm a decent human being (at least most of the time /j) so feel free to message me. It's always nice to come across new people.

.・。.・゜✧・.* 。 • ˚ ˚ ˛ * 。° 。 • ˚

stay safe!

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cagenerals · 9 months

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Love Letter To Myself by Anastasia

Dear Anastasia,

Quite the name.

No one says it right and you don't care to ever correct them. You hate the name. It's complicated and the way it looks doesn’t match the way it sounds, but it's unique. There's not much meaning. I guess some uncle named Anthony died and your mom wanted a girl version of that. You never met him, but it seems like your family loved him. Hopefully they love you just as much, if not more.

Dad. You can't say he was a deadbeat because he was there… just not there. He has always been around but it's almost as if he was just a body. No emotion. No love. Only the bi-weekly forced company. But he was young when he had you and now he just works a lot.

Mom Grandma gave you everything your dad wasn't around for. Taught you how to bathe, taught you to not talk to strangers, taught you how to cook, the basics of course.

You didn't learn what you really needed until your mom grew up. She taught you how to stand up for yourself and how to love. How to fight your own battles and how important school is.

School. It's been kicking your ass.

You've always been told that for the first 18 years of your life that's all that matters. Don't worry about anything but school.

What about you?

You want to worry about yourself, but in the grand scheme of things there's no time for that. Genetics or whatever targeted you and caused all those mental illnesses. You have depression, anxiety, and bipolar dis— back to school.

Burned out former gifted child. That's the best way to refer to it. For me, school was easy until it wasn't.

Honor roll; I'm so proud. Honor roll; amazing. Honor roll; I love you. Honor roll; you’re the best.

Middle school was a long time ago, but I remember the love that came with being there. Everyone was always so proud of you. That's your favorite thing to hear. It inspires you to keep going because your hard work is recognized and appreciated, but it all stopped. No one is proud anymore.

The constant state of disappointment became your state of being. So, what does one do when they run out of external validation? You have to look for it within yourself.

I’m not my own number one fan. I think that’s okay for now. As humans we all crave a bit of validation from those we care about, an “I’m proud of you” or a “nice job” could make or break a person if we’re being honest.

The problem is that you only really have yourself at the end of the day. So, I know I don’t like you too much, but I hope one day I will. I just kind of have to stick around until that day comes.

It’s not only because I deserve it. I don’t think anyone deserves to be quite this upset with themselves. Regardless of what I believe right now, I know I'm no exception.

It’s also out of spite. As a big “f*ck you” to all of the teachers who thought I was a lost cause. To all of the therapists who thought I wasn’t worth their time. To the “friends” who didn’t stick around long enough to see me succeed. I owe it to myself to be my best self, out of spite to the universe and everything it has put me through.

I think you just kind of owe it to yourself to love yourself just as much as anyone else is capable of loving you. We’ll get there one day. Until then, I'll keep us alive, but you have to do the rest. Change for me, it’s the best way to grow.

Special note: This assignment was based off of Love Letter To Myself by Afghan feminist and human rights activist Noorjahan Akbar. Noorjahan has led protests for human rights across Afghanistan and launched the website called Free Women Writers.

All names and identities on CA GENERALS have been protected for privacy.

#self love #confidence #self esteem #liberation #individualism #mental health #family #high achievers #mentorship #feminism #mom #grandmother #father #resilience #empowerment #growth

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deadautisticscum · 2 years

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(1) Unpopular opinion: Linda Couch : IAmaKiller (reddit.com)

My comment:

Can i just say smth? I only watched the episode today and it was actually one of the most dificult ones. Roxanne's mother is clearly a narcissit. I don't know how well people know this mental illness but she CLEARLY is. Roxanne saying that she has those needs to tell everyone everything and to tell "stories to make you have sympathy for her" are the traits of a narcissist. Not to mention i also have a narcissistic mother and it is VERY easy to recognize another one. The way Linda paused and took time to deny after hearing roxanne's rape and then, i assume lied about how she DID help her etc. Basically a narcissist is always trying to appeal to people-they can't see anything in front of them besides that need. They don't seem to feel the need to say anything but whatever they THINK will make THE OTHER feel sry for them and accept them and protect them and "be their friend."

So this is where it does get tricky. If she hadn't been a narcissist Linda might have ignored what the lawyer said and admitted to the court she had been abused. But she didnt, why? Bc they told her she'd be better liked if she didn't. Bc back then it was probably taboo still violent relationships between men and women.

And i do think Roxanne and EVERYONE, should understand this. She was at a disadvantage in trial bc she was a narcisist. Now, i know narcisists can be cruel people, men usually are horrible and violent, women usually are just manipulative and narcisisitic mothers in particular PUT A LOT of trauma on their kids and treat them the same as anyone: do the best to be liked. So, see, the first thought in a narcisisits mind isn't to help her child or wtv, it's to be praised. That is why i think ppl should really understand, Roxanne had a very bad experience in her childhood for sure. Not only her father but her mother too, and it is JUST THE TRUTH that Linda was probably lying abt "all those rapes" but that doesn't mean she wasn't raped once or twice, and, THAT'S AWFUL ENOUGH. Isn't it?

So. Linda wasn't a normal "human" to be tried and ofc back then people didn't know that, but nowadays we can easily see it, I'm a nobody and I have figured it out. The other point is: roxanne doesn't need to forgive her mother for anything anything anything. But we can see in the episode she still clearly has a lot of anger towards her mother (which is NATURAL) but in the episode it came off so...bad...because the truth is we are dealing with a very serious matter and...it's been YEARS. Linda is what 60 some now and...I am sorry if you are reading this Roxanne but you should at least understand she DOES DESERVE to get out. She shouldn't be in jail any longer.

Men who rape women are freed IMMEDITALY or after 2 years?

Men who murder women just the same.

Now, one narcisistic woman does it to a man (who was A MONSTER) and she gets life sentence? That's just a BAD and VERY TERRIBLE justice system. Not to mention, as i said, she isnt' a normal woman, she is narcisistic.

As such she clearlty needed sometime in prison. But enough is enough and, as i said i have a narcissitic mother and trust me it is hell, it is traumatizing. But for me...to in the end say "oh bla bla burrying my dad was awful"....like ok....but....as a viewer i dont care and that doesn't matter: THAT WAS NOT THE CASE, the case was just abt murder not abt whether or not she asked her kids to burry him with her. And again, she only did so probably bc she is a narcisist. To be somehow more angry at your mother, who is mentally ill and in JAIL, and not so much at your dead who is dead and gone...is just not right i think.

And yes as i was saying i am a daughter of a narcisist parent too but. She was still abused, still raped probably, she IS STILL A WOMAN WHO IS BEING FUCKED BY THE SYSTEM WHEN THEY FREE HORRIBLE MEN LEFT AND RIGHT.

So now that i've explained why, i do think it is terrible that this old woman, bc that's all she is now pretty much, an old woman, is still in jail for murdering her abuser. It doesn't matter if her daugjter forgives her or not, what matters is justice. (Ofc between family justice is also a much more difficult issue.)

PS: I DON'T KNOW how the tv people didn't bother to mention she probably has narcissism, maybe they didn't notice but regardless, a mentally ill person deserves to be seen for what they truly are. even if the illness isn't the "good" one. Even if her kid doesn't forgive her. She is still a victim even if her kid also is of her. People are complex and if the justice system can't deal with it...it's truly disappointing. And again, i must remind you, men don't get and wouldn't get half the punishment and time she did. So, if we are truly asking for fairness, she probably what should've spent 5 years in jail? Maybe less. How is it that rapists and male murderers can go free and a narcisistic woman who was abused and just wanted to somehow be free is jailed forever? HOW IS THAT FAIR.

Men have privilege even if theyre murderers and rapists. (I am not talking about the men in the show, i am talking abt random men on the news.) With that I end this comment. And if roxanne sees this i hope you the best and peace and yk...it's not your battle anymore whether or not she stays in jail.

#my comment is by chancequestion49 or wtv #i just...cant believe no one mentioned shes a narcissit?#like WHY even make a doc abt it then if youre only telling half of the story #how is that any good #hated this episode #ykw at the end of the day shes rotting in jail and men arent so yea free her #and also narcisists can be very bad and just abusive but...shes what 70? and they are STILL MENTALLY ILL yk they still deserve something

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moonchly4202020 · 2 years

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Triggers Of The Day

Hey There Starlings, I am truly sorry for not posting. It has been helva night/day. So, you remember me mentioning that my aunt passed away. Well... tonight's quote and lesson is SCREAMINGGG at me... Not sure if it will do the same for you

Tonight's Quote: You are NOT your illness. You have an individual story to tell. You have a name, you have a history, personality. Staying you is part of the battle. *Julian Seifier*

Tonight's Lesson

Today was an emotional day for myself, as well as my mom. This morning as I was getting ready to go out to bible study this morning with my mom and her best friend, my mom thought it was a good idea to call and see if her sister and her niece were going to be at my uncle's house as the three of us have ... disliking? shall we say for each other. Long story short i didn't say some nice things to my aunt. Which i totally get, as i was on drugs. But I have tried to make amends with no go. Anyways, my aunt got on the phone and wasn't so pleasant about me being there and had to add her two cents in. I LOST it... At that moment in time, I let my illness overpower me and this terrible person that i have been trying to fight to keep inside came out. When I calmed down, I realized that i am NOT my illness and that i am better than that i am defined as as a person. Now that I am sober and actually accepting the help for the mental disorders that i have?... I realized as a human being... with mental disabilities... i just have to work HARDER to show people that I can have these disorders and STILL not become them...

As I was researching tonight's lesson, I turned to the one thing that my counselor's in Maine's mental ward gave to me to try and change my way of thinking. I came across a worksheet that is from the CBT's many workbooks. Now, if you are new to my blog and don't know what CBT therapy and workbooks are. I TRULY RECCOMEND them. They work, if you work the program. Now, there are NO wrong or right answers so don't stress if your answers are different

Cognitive Behavior: CBT is a treatment approach that helps you recognize negative or unhelpful thoughts or behavior patterns.

Grief Sentence Completion Worksheet

Right now, I feel: Proud for staying sober throughout this morin's annoyance. but I didn't I just smoked more post.

I feel the saddest when: i remember I can never climb into my aunt's lap and have her rock me like she did when I was a baby.

The thing that I miss the most: The way my aunt and I could not see each other for years but when we did, we picked up our relationship like it was nothing.

If I could ask my aunt one thing, what would that be: WOuld you be proud of my life now, and the year's that I have put into being sober now?....

One thing that i have learned: Never give up the good fight. No matter what.

Well.. my starling's.. i don't know about you, but my chest feels a little lighter tonight.. Thank ya for joining in if ya did.. I am off to finish this bowl and see what tomorrow brings.. One thing I do know though as I lay my head on that pillow tonight... I can say, I am alive, I am sober and God is good.

Oh, before I forget.. if there is a worksheet that you would like for me to touch on, or find a workbook or sheet for, PLEASE feel free to DM me... As I said before, I am all new to this and just want to help myself and other's as much as possible.. You know the drill...

My dm's are always open, so please if you need to talk, vent, or to yell, advice, anything.. PLEASE, PLEASE, don't hesitate to dm me...

On that note starlings... goodnight, sweet dreams

#bipolar #deep thoughts #feelings #thoughts

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call-me-doll-face · 2 years

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So recently, I went through what I THOUGHT was going to be the hardest part of my life. I thought my 3 month old baby was going to die.

He caught three different diseases all at once, didn't show any symptoms, and stopped breathing. I wanted to freeze. I wanted to stop breathing with him. I was terrified, but I'm a mother. I'm HIS mother so I did what nobody else in the house could. I put my mouth over his little nose and mouth and I gave cpr until first responders arrived.

After 100 and some minutes of resuscitation (which I was told an adult wouldn't usually survive through) he miraculously lived. The damage was extensive, but he is a fighter.

No, the worst part is what came after.

Him and my four other children got removed from the home. Now I know what you're thinking, believe me, I do. I've thought the same thing a million times. It's taken me so long to be able to sit here and tell you that I wasn't a bad mom.

I've never done drugs. I've never beat my children. I've never put them in danger. However, I did neglect them.

After an entire years worth of awful events piled on top of each other, I lost. I fought so so hard, but I didn't win.

I started zoloft before I even had my baby because I knew I had a history of post partum with all my other pregnancies. I had thought that it was working because I felt so much better, how could it not be?

I stopped being the fun mom. I stopped wanting to go outside to play with my children. I stopped wanting to leave my bed.

My hair would go unbrushed for weeks. I was too exhausted to even shower, so I'd sit in the tub and let the water run over me....

Then the panic attacks came. I would wake up panicking thinking my baby wasn't breathing. I would have to hold him with my hand on his chest for hours. Even though I could feel him breathing, my brain told me he wasn't.

I got to where I couldn't put him down. I couldn't put him in his own bed, or leave him in his swing or anything in case I were to leave and he'd stop breathing again.

I lost sleep. A lot of it. The sleep I did get didn't even do anything for me. I'd wake up even more exhausted.

My therapist made a house visit. She said that day had been the deciding factor. My husband had been working non stop all week then sleeping as soon as he got home. The oldest kids were sick. I was sick.

She said she didn't even think I was there. I was just existing, going through the motions. I wasn't living.

Looking back now, as much as I hate the kids got moved, I know it needed to be done. I know it's temporary and they will be back soon. I know they are safe with family and I now have the time to take care of myself so that I can take care of THEM better.

I didn't realize then that I had been slipping. I had been slipping so fast I didn't even realize it until I was drowning. I know that I'm a mother and that comes before all else, but I'm also human, and sometimes us humans need a very hard push in the right direction.

I feel like I was pushed off the cliff. I was free falling and thought I was going to die at first. But then my family, my parachute saved me. I am thankful for every single person that has checked on me, helped me, and supported me.

Mental illness is no joke. Please hug your family and friends. Please check on them and don't listen to the bullshit lie that they're fine. PLEASE be supportive and don't shame them if they decide to take medicine for it . Don't judge someone for the way they learn to cope with the shitty hand life has dealt them.

Be compassionate, have empathy, love and embrace one another.

I love you all.

#tw depressing stuff #kinda depressing #sorry for being depressing #tw depressing thoughts #parenting #my babies #sad thoughts #angst #slight angst #anxious #anxienty #this is a pain in the ass #writing #exerpts from a book i'll never write

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clanwarrior-tumbly · 2 years

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Since they're closing one for the road that you absolutely dont have to do I just thought I'd send(I'm so sorry if I sent too many)

This came to mind when I sent the headcanon where Vanessa let them all stay with her- so,

How about headcanons or a fic where Gram!Y/N gets kinda broken in the process of beating up Burntrap, but in the end everyone is able to escape the building, and fix up ol' Y/N to be almost as good as new

Honestly dunno if its incharacter but mental image of the blob helping its Gram one final time by getting them out if the others had to leave them due to maybe rubble falling and blocking the way to Y/N or something, came to mind and frankly it kinda makes me tear up abit lmao

- salt anon

"You just don't know when to quit, do you?"

"I can say the same about you."

"It's a miracle you even have a voice still."

"Yess..a voice that will haunt your dreams-"

The loud crashing of wood, stone, and marble silenced the banter between the two animatronics.

Two animatronics with a long history together that only led to generations of suffering.

They knew that only one of them was going to come out of this burning Pizzaplex alive. And they won't give up that opportunity so easily.

Burntrap's grotesque jaw clicked uncomfortably as he turned his head to see the recharge station, consumed by flames and smoke. But he didn't need that anymore.

He had all the strength he needed, plus everyone else was useless to him now. Vanny had ditched him and his grasp on the Glamrocks was lost. They were all free, along with that boy who somehow survived whatever he threw his way.

Against all odds, that homeless brat lived. Thanks to his failure to get ahold of Freddy's systems and your sudden reappearance.

Yes..he forgot to destroy one of the oldest models of his ill-fated franchise. You've been hiding here all along and he didn't realize it until it was too late.

Now you've grown quite a spine yourself, being old and wise and generous, much unlike him.

He despised that. And now he was going to make you join the others---in hell along with him if that's where he ended up again.

You heard Gregory yell out your name in panic as the rubble separated you from them, but Freddy ushered him on, as they had to get out as soon as possible.

This was your plan all along, though. To stall the bastard who took so much from you and your friends..who kept coming back over and over again to take more precious lives--both humans and bots alike.

It was so unfair. To cause so much death just so he can cheat death itself...so he can cause even more deaths.

You were sick of it. You've had enough of this foolishness.

The cycle ends here.

Despite Burntrap's horrendous condition, he proved to be a bit stronger than expected as he launched himself at you, tackling you to the ground with hateful malice in his glowing eyes.

"I will TEAR you apart...as I did all those years ago to them.." He hissed, ripping off your arm and stomping on your torso, crushing your exposed endoskeleton spine.

But his foot was stuck in the hole for a few seconds. And a few seconds was all the time you needed to grab his ankle, pushing him to the ground where he busted up one of his ears upon contact.

"I think not. You on the other hand need a taste of your own medicine!" You sneered, ignoring the sparks and oil that were now sputtering out of your chest. The flames were getting closer, and it was getting harder to fight your body's desire to shutdown.

Gritting his teeth, Burntrap grabbed a nearby brick and slugged it across your leg with all his might, breaking your casing.

With a grunt of pain you fell to one knee, and he got up to strike you across the face, making your sight glitch out for a second as he damaged your visual receptors.

You collapsed and had trouble getting up yourself, instead scooting back against the old office desk as he limped closer to you, still holding the brick.

Unfortunately you had lost your cane,leaving you absolutely defenseless.

“I should have known...that I left something behind..but I couldn’t put my finger on it. Now...I see what a mistake that was. You ruined my plans..so now I’ll ruin you.”

He raised the brick high, and you braced yourself for the moment it comes crashing down on you, destroying you for good.

Yet..nothing happened.

Was he hesitating?

You heard the sounds of a struggle and looked up, seeing a familiar black tentacle wrapped around his wrist. He snarled and turned his head, realizing the Blob was back, staring at him right in the face.

For a moment...he looked scared.

“No...not you all...not again..!!” He clawed at the slimy metal. "How are you alive?! I KILLED YOU ALL!!" A hoarse scream forced its way out of his throat, only to be ceased by another tentacle around his neck.

“That's..where you're wrong, Mr. Afton.” You chuckled. “Don't you know? Death is irrelevant...because we always come back, too.”

Blob’s faceplates opened as they let out a mechanical roar, snatching up Burntrap’s body with a larger tentacle and lifting him off the ground. He was kicking and shouting as the brick slipped from his grasp. In response the tentacle only constricted him further before he was pulled up through the giant hole in the ceiling.

Bck to the fiery inferno from whence he came.

“Thank you..my friends..” Sighing, you looked around you, wondering if this is how your story finally ends: being all alone with nothing but the bright flames as company.

You’ve only gotten to know your “grandkids” for a single night, not even getting to know their true uncorrupted-selves, but you were going to miss them dearly. You hoped they got out safely and could continue a life without killings or glitches.

But most importantly...a life without Afton.

‘I wonder if this is how that one young man felt..when the Pizza Place burned..was it this peaceful? I hope so.’

Before you could readily accept your fate, you noticed a small tentacle rise from one of the nearby holes in the ground, holding something familiar and shiny gold:

“My cane..?” You reached out to grab it, smiling as you saw Blob’s head peek out. “Thank you, but..I’m afraid it won’t do me any good anymore. There’s no way out for....”

However, you trailed off as you saw more parts of themselves go to work, moving aside random pieces of concrete. And you realized they were trying to open up an escape for you.

They carefully picked you up, guiding you to the opening where they set you down ever so gently. You did stumble a bit, but with the support of your cane you were able to keep yourself steady.

Hearing a soft growl, you turned around and saw the Blob nearly nose-to-nose with you, the red lights in Funtime Freddy’s mask dimming a little. You smiled somberly and reached up to pat their soot-covered cheek, resting your forehead against their own.

“You all did great. Now please..rest your souls, there is nothing else.”

.............

“Gregory..don’t cry. We’re all okay--or..well..we’re gonna be okay, I should say-”

“What about [y/n]? Are they gonna be okay??”

“I dunno, kid. C’mon..if we’re seen out here for too long people are gonna-”

“Why should I listen to you after all the tricks you pulled?! Are you that rabbit lady or what?!”

“L-Listen, it’s a long--”

The loud static crackles emitting from Glamrock Chica’s voicebox startled Gregory, Vanessa, and Freddy out of their argument. They looked at her in confusion, seeing her point to the burning mall’s entrance.

“What is it?” Roxanne asked, as Sun held her hand. He became her temporary guide at your request. “What do you see?”

"Y-Yeah I can barely see anything! What's Chica seeing that we aren't??"

“Hrrgm..I think it’s...” Monty tried pushing himself up to get a better look at the figure emerging from the fire. His jaw dropped open in shock the moment he recognized who it was. “No way..”

“It’s...[y/n].” Freddy uttered with disbelief, smiling widely upon realizing you were, indeed, alive. Both he and Gregory rushed over. “You’re alright! Thank goodness.”

“Oh, don’t you worry about me, dear.” You chuckled softly, glad to see the others made it out okay.

But then you abruptly collapsed, all of your servos locking up due to overheating. Everyone else ran over to you in worry, though fortunately you were still conscious enough to talk.

“I’m alright-t-t..” Your voice glitched. “Whew..I’m really outdated, huh?”

“I-It’s nothing we can’t fix, Gramps.” Gregory reassured you, looking to Freddy, who nodded in agreement.

Then Vanessa approached and knelt down to examine you. “Yeah..we’ll take care of you. And everyone else.” She promised, ignoring Gregory’s cold and cautious stare. “Let’s head to my van. I can patch you up easily. I’ve had some experience working with older models. I studied a lot of them-”

“Oh I’m sure you have.”

“Gregory-”

“Don’t bicker, you two..Vanessa will get the chance to tell her side of the story-y-y.” You told the young brunette. “Let’s all just be..grateful-l-l that we’re outta there, hm?”

The two humans looked at each other, and then back to you, deciding to put aside their previous conflict to help you.

The Glamrocks were free of the virus, as was Vanessa, and Afton was gone. Hopefully for good this time around.

Nothing else matters.

#clanask #salt anon #fnaf x reader #five nights at freddy's x reader #fnaf sb x reader #fnaf security breach x reader #grandparent animatronic yn #fnaf sb spoilers

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otomefoxystar · 2 years

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The Beginning- Part 1

Fandom: Ikemen Vampire

Pairing : Arthur X MC

CW: mental illness, self doubt, nsfw,vaginal fingering, vaginal sex

Note: This is a two part fic where since it is quite a long read. MC has decided to stay before she had established any kind of romantic relationship.

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You were exhausted, fighting with yourself not to fall apart. Your emotions were all over the place. A simple scolding from Sebastian would bring on a feeling of despair and anxiety. "You forgot to bring Issac his rogue, and yesterday you forgot to do the dishes. What is with the sudden forgetfulness? You seem to get distracted easily; you're not usually like this. I don't know what's going on with you, but this needs to stop." Your posture slumped, feeling dejected. "I'm sorry, Sebastian." He sighed, "I know you're sorry. You tell me that every day. Stop being sorry and do something about it." He walked off with you, standing there once again feeling useless. Walking hastily to the bathroom, you shut the door, locking it. You sat on the floor, focusing on your breathing as you hugged your knees. Wishing tears would come, but no matter how hard you tried, they never would. You didn't blame Sebastian. You didn't hate him; you weren't even angry with him. A little hurt, maybe. Mostly you were upset with yourself.

You executed the rest of the day quietly and withdrawn. Your smiles faded as fast as they came, even with Arthur's jovial flirting, which generally had you a blushing mess and laughing, just irritated you. All you could muster was a small forced smile. "That's all I get? I am hurt, luv, really I am." He put his hand over his heart, putting on how hurt he was. Rolling your eyes, you continued washing the dishes. "I don't have time for this, Arthur; I'm very busy." The cheeky grin immediately faded from Arthur's face, replaced with an expression of concern. "Well then, perhaps when you're finished, you can accompany me into town?" You looked over at Arthur with a blank expression. "I don't feel like going out today, sorry." Arthur tilted his head, putting his hands in his pockets. "Aw, Luv, please. I need to get some more ink and paper. I was going to treat you to some yummy pie afterwards." What you didn't know was he was only trying to lift your spirits, observing your behaviour lately.

As fun as it sounded on any other day, you would have been exploding with excitement. Going to get supplies with Arthur, the smell of paper, all the choices of pens and colours of ink. The array of nibs to look at then Pie. Today it sounded dreadful; it was too much effort to go out. You just wanted to be left alone. "Find someone else. You have other friends, don't you? I told you I don't want to!" You shut the cupboard aggressively and angrily left the kitchen. Arthur stood there alone, stunned by your outburst. You're closest with Arthur, spending most of your free time with him, even if it was sitting quietly, reading, or writing poems of your own. His presence always relaxed you. It started platonically, but once you had decided to stay, you started developing deep feelings for the Englishman. You would never admit it to anyone, knowing he prefers casual flings over commitment. You knew you'd be better off with a human anyway. The pressure had been building for a while, and you could feel the familiarity of it, knowing it was only a matter of time before your symptoms took over. It was an epic fight between your mind and emotions tearing at each other, neither one losing or winning. You hadn't told anyone that you suffered from mental illness.

When you were finally done with your duties, you dragged your feet as you walked down the corridor—shutting the door to your bedroom. You let out a shaky sigh. Promptly settling in for the night. It was dark in your room except for the moonlight sneaking in through the curtains. You watched the shadows of the trees blow with the wind on your walls. Accompanied by the quietness, it was almost too much to bear. White noise was not a thing here. You had always slept with a fan on tonight; the soundlessness was incredibly distracting, making the sounds outside seem louder than they actually were.

It's been a long time since you felt like this; hopeless, numb. With the shadows dancing on the wall, your brain was unable to shut off. You were so tired, yet it was impossible to sleep. With so many thoughts drifting through your head, making you feel overwhelmed. You put your hands over your ears, trying to shut out the noises of the trees hitting the side of the house. Is this what it feels like to be crazy? Were you crazy? Were you finally losing your mind? "Damnit!" You pulled the blankets over your head, submerging yourself completely under the blankets until you eventually fell somewhere in between sleep and consciousness.

Sebastian had begun to prep for breakfast, but you were nowhere to be seen. Assuming you had simply overslept, Sebastian came to rouse you, knocking lightly but firm. No answer "_ _ _, it's time to get up." Still no response, He knocked again, "I'm coming in; I hope you are decent." He entered the room only to see you buried under the blankets. Sebastian walked closer to your bed. "When did you become Napoleon? I can't have you lying in bed all morning." He pulled the blankets entirely off of you, the cold air instantly hitting your skin. You sat up, pulling the blankets back up aggressively, glaring at Sebastian. "_ _ _! You are behaving like a child. You have a job to do, or perhaps you would like to find other living arrangements? Get dressed," He said sternly, Leaving you in your room. You knew he was right; of course, he was. It was the least you could do for living there. You sat up, forcing yourself out of bed; taking a deep breath, you put your feet on the floor and got ready for the day. You did a quick bun, not really caring if it wasn't perfect and not even attempting to do your makeup.

You walked out of the room and saw Sebastian going directly to the kitchen. He looked at you crossly. "Good, I'm glad you came to your senses." You didn't say anything, only proceeded with your duties silently. As everyone was coming out of their rooms for breakfast, you busied yourself with other things to avoid having to talk to anyone. As the day went on, Arthur came out of his room, taking a much needed break when he saw you dusting. The look on your face was distant. You were unhappy, but why? After finishing your duties, you had shut yourself in your room and hadn't come out since. It had been hours. Arthur couldn't shake the ominous feeling knawing at him. Having had enough, Arthur got up from his seat, made his way down the corridor, and stopped at your door, hesitating. He knocked. You pulled the blankets over your head. "It's Arthur. May I come in?"

With no answer, Arthur sighed, "I'm coming in." As he entered your room, it was in complete darkness.

Arthur walked over to the lamp on your bedside table and turned it on, seeing you curled up in your bed. He sat on the side of your bed. "I'm sorry for barging in, but I wanted to see how you are." You weren't sleeping but just staring ahead. "That bad?" He took your silence as an indication of the pain you were experiencing. Your eyes moved to his "You can talk to me about anything, I hope you know that." Your eyebrows drew together, causing deep worry lines to appear. You covered your face with your hands and shook your head.

"I can't do this; I can't" Finally, the tears that wouldn't come finally erupted out of your eyes. Sobbing, Arthur collected you in his arms. "Oh, dove, why didn't you tell anyone you were hurting?" You clutched his shirt, "No one understands, no one ever understands." He pet your hair. "I'll try to understand; you can trust me." You pulled away from him, your eyes wet from the tears. "I feel crazy, Arthur! My thoughts are all over the place; all I want to do is sleep." He listened as you went on. "I feel alone, so alone." Arthur looked at you softly. "You aren't. We all care about you so much, any one of us would be there for you. I am always here for you." He put his hands on either side of your head, forcing you to look at him. "Listen to me. You are important to me; I will always make time to listen to you. Okay?" More tears ran down your face. "okay?" he repeated, wanting to make sure you understood. You nodded, showing him you did.

"I'm mentally ill, Arthur." You looked down, unable to look at him. "in my time, I have a doctor, and my symptoms are controlled with medication. I thought I could handle it; I thought I'd be fine. I was wrong." Your tears finally ceased; you looked up. "Thank you for telling me; I'm sure it was really hard." You were amazed; no one ever had accepted your illness. He wasn't judging, simply listening. "Iris, have you tried talk therapy?" You looked at Arthur dubiously. You shook your head, "No, I couldn't pay for it. Therapy is costly. Had I been able to, I would have." He brushed your tears away with his thumbs. "Would you be willing to talk with someone? It's a relatively new type of treatment, but I've heard good things about it." You nodded your head, "I'll try anything. I hate feeling like this." Arthur smiled at you, "Good, I'll get you all set up with someone good. Yeah?" You sniffled and nodded "okay" Then Arthur looked you over, "Have you been eating? You seem thinner."

"I've been eating, but I have to force myself. It depends on the day. Sometimes I don't eat much other days; I overeat." He must think you were a mess, but who were you kidding? You were a mess. "Have you eaten today?" Biting your lip, "A little, I had a bit of fruit and toast." Arthur sighed, "Don't go anywhere." Just like that, he was walking out the door, only to return with an armful of food.

"Where did you get all of that?" You asked in amazement. He gave you a cheeky grin. "Napoleon was up and was more than happy to make you some things." He gave you a plate of food, sitting next to you. Having him watch you eat made the situation even more awkward, but it felt nice to be cared for by someone for once. "Thank you, Arthur, really thank you." You said once you finished eating the entire plate of food. He raised an eyebrow. "I'm not leaving if you're trying to get rid of me." He took your food placing it on your writing desk. He took off his shoes and came back to you. "Get into bed; I'm going to sleep right next to you tonight. I want you to feel safe and loved." You shook your head, trying to dismiss his kindness, but he grabbed both your hands. "No, I'm staying. So get into bed." Doing as he asked, you laid on one side of the bed waiting for him. Arthur got into the bed next to you and turned off the light. The only light left was that of the moonlight shadowing his face. Facing each other, Arthur combed your hair behind your ear.

Looking at his face, you reached out a hand with trepidation. Touching the worry lines on his forehead with your fingertips, you traced along his jaw, his eyes closed, letting the sensation seep into him. You traced softly over each of his eyelids, down the bridge of his nose. He had never felt anything so intimate. With your heart thrumming, he opened his eyes slowly, watching your eyes as you studied his face. You had never looked at him this closely before. You were seeing for the first time the freckles dusted under his eyes. Going along each of his cheekbones and finally tracing his soft lips. Realizing what you had just done, you blushed, your ears getting hot. Before you were able to take your hand away from his face, he took your hand in his and kissed each of your fingertips, then interlaced his fingers with yours, and you let out a breath as if you were holding it in.

Like a magnet, his face gravitated towards yours. He leaned his face towards yours but paused. "Do you know how I burn for you?" He whispered as your noses rubbed together, "Is it like how I burn for you?" You replied, your forehead rubbing against his and your hot breaths mingling as you both panted open mouthed, wanting to take that first step but feeling afraid.

Both of you, keeping your eyes closed with heavy breathing, his lips finally landed on yours, placing his hand on the back of your neck. Kissing you passionately and in every direction. Wanting badly to touch him, you put your hand on his strong shoulder. The kiss grew more heated by the second until Arthur's eyes snapped open, realizing the severity of what the two of you had done. Pulling back, but still mere inches away. Arthur whispered lowly, his voice deepening, "We should stop." You Let go of his hand and opened your eyes, "yeah," You agreed. Staring into his azure eyes, the need for him intensified, just as it seemingly did for him.

He went back to your lips, this time with more enthusiasm. Moving his lips with yours, his tongue slipping in past your teeth, pulling you closer to his body, entwining your tongues together, lacing your fingers through his soft hair, spurring him on. You pulled away, Going for the buttons on his shirt, opening it up, and feeling the skin on his chest. His breathing quickened. You pushed his shirt off his arms, exposing his torso. You went in for another kiss, and his hands were on you, all over you. Pulling away, you gasped as his hands ran down your sides.

"We were supposed to stop" Arthur looked at you, concerned as he pet your hair. "Do you want to?… Stop?" You shook your head. "No" He looked deep into your eyes. "Are you positive? I don't want to be part of your pain. That would be too much for me." You looked right in his eyes, showing him the certainty of your decision. "I would never regret being with you unless you don't want to? And please, for the love of God, tell me the truth. I don't want you to do this because you pity me."

He looked at you lovingly. "Pity you? Never, I love you, dove. I want to show you how much I love you. Will you let me love you?" You looked at him with a heated gaze. "Yes" Going to your mouth devouring you. He ran his fingertips lightly down your arm, mesmerized with the softness of your skin. The way your hair raised, leaving bumps as he ran his fingertips over your delicate flesh. When he released your lips, you pulled on his bottom lip gently with your teeth. His Iris's were shrinking, showing you just how turned on he was getting. He rolled you over, so he was hovering over you with you flat on your back. Arthur kissed your forehead, "I love you," looking into your eyes. "Your mesmerizing eyes" He kissed both of your eyelids. rubbed your noses together. "Your nose." Then, at last, your lips, moving your lips with his, made a fire ignite within you. The kiss deepened, and his hands roamed down your sides. "I love all of you." His hands pulled at the hem of your nightgown, pulling it over your head, leaving you utterly bare under him. His hand drifted across your stomach, feeling your silky skin. It was making his head swim. You placed your hands on his strong biceps as he ran his fingers along your rib cage. He was slowly moving up as he looked into your face feeling you touch him as he touched you. You scraped your nails down his back, Feeling all of his muscles, forcing a deep groan from his throat, leaving red marks from your nails.

His fingers found the underside of your breasts, feeling the contours. Arthur dragged his fingers over the buttery skin, grazing his thumbs over your nipples, sending arousal straight to your core. You moved your hands to his chest, feeling all the dips and curves in his muscles. The more you touched him, the more you encouraged him. He kissed along your collarbones. Cupping both your breasts, kneading the delicate flesh, he moved his kisses down your chest. Pinching both your nipples, rolling and twisting them. You leaned your head back, sinking in the pillow. "Mmm," your noises sent electrifying jolts down his spine. "Bloody hell…Your a loud one, aren't you? If you don't want anyone knowing what we're up to, then maybe lower your voice. Not that I mind." You exhaled. "I don't know that I can help it." You breathed out. He smiled, giving you a gentle peck. "As long as your comfortable." Your heart swelled; how did you not know he was so sweet.

He dipped his head, kissing in between your breasts. His lips moved up the mound of your breast, then licking around your areola. Your breathing came out uneven when he licked the flat of his tongue against your nipple. A small mewl escaped you as he opened his mouth, and his lips latched on. Suckling one nipple, he pulled and pinched the other one. Switching sides to do the same thing. Unable to hold back, you bucked your hips, feeling his excitement against your inner thigh. You moaned as he pulled the flexible skin of your nipple gently with his teeth. As he continued to kiss down your torso, your nerves felt like they were going to combust. Arthur's hands roamed your body. He stopped at your pubic bone, looking at you for any resistance. You gazed at him, your heart beating so fast it rang in your ears. He placed his hand on your knee and ran it down the smooth skin of your inner thigh, by instinct and the excitement of him touching you. You lifted your legs, spreading them for him. His hand wandered, eventually to where you needed to be touched the most. His finger prodded at your dripping entrance, pushing into you, making you gasp.

"Arthur...Mmmm." He thrust his finger in, then pulled it out, adding another finger in curling them upwards. You were so wet you could hear it as his fingers pleasured you. Being the English gentleman he is, he didn't point it out. He only turned his wrist so that his thumb could access your clit. Rubbing it in circular motions. "Ahh..mmn" moaning and writhing as his fingers plunged in and out of you. His cock was throbbing and getting harder by the second as he watched you come undone. As he continued his ministrations, your legs trembled, and your walls started twitching.

"I'm close…Ahh!" He put more pressure on your clit. You lifted your hips and gripped the sheets. When you lowered your hips and your body relaxed, he slowly pumped his fingers in and out of you as your orgasm continued on. Once your body went limp and your breathing settled, he slowly removed his fingers. You pulled him in for a mind blowing kiss as you traced the waistband of his trousers, making him tremble. You pushed him off of you, forcing him to lie on his back. Kneeling between his legs, you unbuckled his belt and proceeded to remove his pants, lifting his hips to allow you to pull them off and setting his hips back down. As his painfully hard cock was released, you took in the sight of it standing at attention, ready for you. Taking it in your hand, you pumped his aching cock firmly a few times, watching his eyes roll back in his head.

He sat up, resting his back against the headboard, pulling you up to sit on his pelvis, kissing you passionately. You lifted your hips and took hold of his cock, sinking down on him. You both gasped when he was fully seated inside of you. You opened your eyes to see Arthur gazing at you. "Arthur?" You asked breathily. "What is it, luv?" He combed his fingers through your hair. "I love you," He captured your lips in a sloppy kiss. "I love you." He said back. His cock twitched inside of your warmth, desperate for more friction. You placed your hands on his shoulders and lifted yourself up. "Bloody hell! You feel so good." He was feeling your body under his palms as you bounced on him.

Tweaking your nipples, you started bouncing faster. Arthur began thrusting upwards as you rolled your hips against him. "Ahhh… Arthur," you panted. Arthur rolled you over, so he was on top. He lifted your leg, putting it around his waist, and began driving into you. As he settled in position, he found your sweet spot. With every thrust, you cried out with pleasure. Your whines and moans stirred him on, and an insatiable desire for your blood overcame him. It was a new feeling. He had never felt the burning desire to drink blood during sex. Trying to put those thoughts in the back of his mind, it was getting harder and harder with the way his throat burned, and seeing the pleasure wash over your face was making it unbearable. "Ahh… Can - Can I have your blood?" You looked at him lovingly, seeing his hair sticking to his face with sweat. You could see him struggling. It was taking every fiber of his being to control himself. You held his face in your hands, pulling him down to give him a hot kiss. Pulling him away and looking deep into his eyes, studying him, he started to feel vulnerable under your gaze, as if you were looking into his soul. "Yes," you answered with a certainty in your voice, that you left him no chance to question your decision.

Lacing your fingers together, he squeezed your hand tightly as he placed a lingering kiss on the side of your neck. Seconds later, you felt his fangs sink into your skin, whining from the pain. You could hear him gulping as he swallowed your blood, finding the sound oddly arousing as the pain started to subside, turning into a searing pleasure. His thrusts were gentle, not wanting to overwhelm you. Your body was set aflame, the intensity consuming your being. You put your other leg around his waist, pulling his body closer to yours, putting his weight on you, wanting to be as close to him as possible. You crossed your feet, your heels pressing against his back.

Arthur withdrew his fangs licking the blood away from the red swollen puncture marks. He rolled his hips into you hard and erratic as you moved your hips in tempo with his thrusts, your clit rubbing against his pelvis. Loud high pitched moans and sighs escaped you as the pleasure overcame you. "Arthur! Ahh... I'm going to come..mmm" Arthur grunted and groaned. "M-me too." He put his forehead against yours, giving you wet kisses. Your body was heating up from your head to the tips of your toes. Tingles crawled down every single nerve in your body. "Al-most." You breathed out between moans. He started rocking into you faster, pulling out to his tip and pounding back into you. He lifted his head from yours as you stopped moving, going completely still. Your back arched as your walls clamped around his sensitive throbbing cock. Arthur groaned deeply as both of you were sent to ecstasy, seeing a bright white light as you found your releases in the same moment. You felt warmth flow inside of you from his release.

Giving you small kisses as both of your breathing evened out. Arthur pulled his softening cock out of you slowly, rolling off of you and turning on his side to look at you, pulling you to turn on yours. Your eyes connected, making you blush. He traced the bite on your neck. "Does it hurt?" You shook your head "not really." He gave you a sad look, "I'm sorry, I've never thirsted for blood so much." intertwining your fingers with his and letting your head sink into the pillow. "Don't apologize; I wanted you to." He began tracing circles on your arm soothingly, making your eyes heavy. "You look sleepy." He said, watching as you slowly blinked "mmhm.." As he stroked your hair, you nuzzled up to him. "I'll be here when you wake up. We will find someone to help you. I won't give up on you. Ever, you are not alone, not anymore." He pulled up the blankets, covering both your nude bodies, your noses almost touching hands still tightly interlaced. His other arm draped over your hip. Your eyes were half open, fighting the tiredness; you squeezed his hand. "I love you, Arthur" His expression was soft as he looked at you with all the love in his being. "And I love you,_ _ _. Now, go to sleep, my love, sweet dreams." Kissing your head as you intertwined your legs and feet with his. Breathing in his scent, melting into him, your eyes closed on their own.

Sebastian started his usual routine as the sun rose, but you had failed to appear yet again. Sebastian knocked on your door, expecting a repeat from the day before. Sebastian was taken aback when Arthur answered the door dressed in the same clothes from yesterday. Sebastian was dumbfounded, his eyes going wide. Arthur put his finger against his lips, indicating to be quiet. He stepped out of the room, closing the door. "She's got some pretty bad depression. You're going to need to take it easy on her. Let her sleep till after breakfast." Sebastian didn't know what to say. "Is she okay?" Arthur blinked slowly. "No, but she will be," Sebastian understood and nodded as he left.

Arthur laid back down on the bed, the blanket falling off you, exposing your bare back as you moved slightly. He put his index finger to the center of your back, tracing circles and random shapes. It was soothing and a bit ticklish, and it was a relaxing way of waking you up. You refused to open your eyes, still feeling the grogginess of sleep keeping its hold on you. "Arthur?" You said hoarsely, indicating you were just beginning to come into consciousness. "I'm here."

He continued drawing on your back. He kissed your shoulder. "Let me see your face." He said quietly in a half whisper. You turned on your other side, still refusing to open your eyes. "Open your eyes, luv" Trying to do as told, you forced your eyes to open slightly. Your vision was still blurry; you blinked several times until his handsome face focused in your view. He smiled. "There you are. Good morning" you let the tiniest smile grace your lips. "We should speak with Comte as soon as possible." You looked down briefly and sighed only for your eyes to lock on Arthur's. He could see the anxiety swirling in your eyes. "Talk to me" You furrowed your brow. "I'm scared" He put his fingertips to your cheek. "Of what? Comte?" You didn't even know. "No? I don't know." Although he was not quite understanding, he was hearing you. Arthur wanted to support you. "I'll be right there with you" You nodded your head as a tear rolled out. "It's okay to ask for help. I will gladly be there for you whenever you need me to be. Stop pretending you can handle it all, and let me be your strength." You put your arms around him, wanting to express how much he meant to you.

You stared out the window from your bed, holding onto Arthur's hand tightly, watching as Comte approached you, sitting in a chair next to your bed. "I heard you haven't been feeling well. I know that Arthur suggested talk therapy. Is that something you still wish to do?" Swallowing, you looked at Comte. "Yes," He gave you an enduring smile. "I've asked someone to come talk to you. Are you okay with seeing them now?" He put his hand on top of yours, and your eyes flitted to his. "Yeah "The corner of Comte's mouth pulled up. "Alright, I'll let him know." He said as he got up, closing the door behind him.

PART 2

#ikevamp #ikemen vampire #ikevamp fic #ikevamp fandom #ikevamp arthur #smexy times #n.s.f.w.#mental.Ilness.

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aphrodite-would-be-proud · 3 years

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🕯Anon said: just wanna say I adore your writing and how you write Reiner and the kids and the other warriors is my favourite thing ever !! I just wanna give them all hugs :) do u have any hcs for the types of jobs you see them all doing in modernverse ?🕯

The types of jobs they have in modern au

{Annie, Bertolt, Colt, Marcel, Pieck, Porco, Reiner, Zeke, }

{Implied Reiner x reader}

{ "Porto" 1935 by Renato Natali 1883-1979 }

Annie is an Animal rescue worker.

Having had experience as a dog trainer before, it wasn't hard to find a full time job at her local shelter after graduating high school, having volunteered there before.

With time, effort and a lot of energy she made her way into the position of "animal control officer" now she spends her days busting animal's abusers doors and rescuing injured or neglected pets.

With long shifts and a high maintenance job, her time was all poured into her work. Usually she'd be exhausted after a long day.

Despite that, she's fulfilled and satisfied with her job. Not having to deal with a lot of people is a plus too, it's a hard job yes but she prefers it this way.

Her friends are bumped about not being able to see her a lot but they understand, plus she keeps in touch with them by lurking in the group chat only to send a snarky remark to stir the pot every now and then.

Bertolt sees her everyday because they work at the same animal shelter, even if their jobs are different they still walk home together, she also met some different people like Hitch and Marco at her job.

The kids love her job, they think it's badass, especially Gabi and Udo. Gabi because Annie gets to kick people in the face and Udo because he genuinely cares about animals.

She'd never tell anyone this, but part of the reason she wanted the job was because she felt guilty for her past self and wanted to fight for those who couldn't fight for themselves.

Bertolt is a veterinarian.

Having changed his mind post graduation and going to college instead of with Reiner, he graduated after 4 years of studying and is currently working with Annie at the local shelter while also planning to open his own clinic one day.

He takes some animals under his personal care for weeks or months even till they get adopted, he fears something bad will happen to the weak or ill ones if left at the shelter overnight.

Just like Annie, the job takes a lot of his time, not to mention caring for animals off of work. So he's in the same situation as her, but for the sake of his best friend he still finds time to visit and hang out once a week.

Reiner and him still text daily, it's mostly pictures Bertolt took of the animals, Annie on her break, interesting plants he finds along the way. And Reiner replies with pictures of the kids.

They still find time to play basketball together, they try to keep it a secret from Annie because she will kick their ass in it.

Bertolt is comfortable with his job, he feels like he belongs and likes being needed. Yes the long hours are a con but seeing the fruits of his labour grow and get better day by day makes it all worth it.

The kids like visiting his house because there usually will be a new dog or some animal in there every month or so, Reiner makes sure they don't bother the animals.

Something he's never told anyone is a big part of the reason he changed his mind last minute was because Animals feel much safer and secure for him to work with than humans.

Colt is a college student working part time.

He's majoring in nursing, being a four years degree he's trying to balance his studies with work and taking care of Falco.

Zeke offered him to work full time after graduation at his clinic, since he's been working part time there for a while and the pay is good, plus it's really convenientnal.

He has worked different part time jobs in the past like a barista, flower shop assistant, tutor, kindergarten teacher, etc.

Between all his responsibilities he barely has time for himself, his courses end right before his work starts and the small bits in-between is spent on Falco and his friends. Zeke and Pieck try to take some of his responsibility but he refuses saying it's the least he could do to Falco.

He's really good at his job like multitasking, reading people, gaining their trust and having high stamina that he could stay for night shifts even.

He relies on coffee a lot.

Falco sees him as a real life superhero, they weren't that close before but after the incident he really started appreciating his big brother.

Something he keeps inside is that despite pursuing this job because he genuinely wanted to make a difference in people's lives and help the sick, he also felt a crushing guilt after his parents passed away, and so he's trying to save other people's lives now instead.

Marcel is a pilot.

It's a dream he always had since middle school, soon after graduation he joined the military to gain enough flying hours and experience to apply to a commercial airline after taking some mathematics, aviation and some general flying courses.

He was officially hired as a pilot after getting his first class medical certificate to check his health.

His work isn't measured by hours to him but by days, he needs to be available 24/7 in case of an emergency call. Now he's working overseas and far away from his friends.

You've actually never met Marcel, only seen pictures of him and received letters. The person he keeps in touch with the most is Porco.

He likes his work, it's his dream. He doesn't like the work hours and being so absent from his friends and brother, he misses them so much at times.

Pieck is a tattoo artist.

Her shop is actually her old flower shop after she decided to change her career. She's always been good with plants and taking care of them, at that time Colt worked as her assistant.

It wasn't till later after some years of practice and training under other artists that she was confident enough about her skills to start the project

Her art is full of life, mesmerising and beautiful. She puts her soul in every piece and has gained a good reputation because of it, plus having really high ratings and strict hygiene rules, no health inspector could ever challenge her.

Having her own independent work meant that she has a very flexible schedule, being mostly free ment she could pursue other hobbies like gardening.

A peaceful and simple life where she can indulge in her art and be happy is all she ever wanted

Porco is a frequent customer of hers that gets a family discount, Zeke came once before and later sent his friend, a really tall and blonde woman who became her most frequent customer.

Zofia thinks her work is really cool and wants to go and just watch her do her thing, but it's frowned upon to have a kid just sitting at a tattoo shop.

Despite changing into this career, the town people still think of her as the sweet flower shop lady.

Porco is a bartender.

That job came to him by accident more than anything, he was working part time as a bouncer in a local bar but a slot was open after the old bartender suddenly quit and he gave it a chance.

He didn't expect to love it so much, neither did he know about his hidden talent in mixing drinks. So he took it as full time and changed to better bars after gaining the experience he needed.

Being naturally charismatic and good at influencing people, while also multitasking in making drinks and keeping a conversation going, he was instantly a hit in whatever place he worked at.

Working the night shift ment he's mostly free in the morning, he tries to help Pieck with her gardening and is actually attempting to grow some plants at his house.

Naturally whenever there's a gathering, he's the one mixing drinks and being the self assigned bartender who openly judges his friends for their choice in drinks. The charismatic persona being thrown out the window and replaced by a no mouth filter.

He genuinely cares tho, he's the one taking care of someone when they drink more they can handle. It's mostly Colt who underestimates his drinks and is left clinging to Porco who drives him home.

Because of his line of work, tattoos and general brash personality, the kids' parents don't like him even one bit. They're suspicious of him no matter how many times Reiner assures them he's trustworthy.

It's actually only Colt who trusts Falco with him, and maybe Zofia's mom who is at the bar every weekend.

Reiner is a firefighter.

With his mother pushing him into this line of work, he applied for the physical and psychological exams after graduation before getting accepted. He wasn't unprepared per say but actually being in that line of work was more than he could ever prepare for.

It instantly took a great hit at his mental health, so much in fact that he was thankful Bertolt changed his mind last minute and didn't follow him in this job.

It was both everything he ever wanted, like saving people, helping children, animals and knowing it's him who saved them even if it means putting his own life at risk.

But also everything he hated, like the hunting faces and screams of the people who were far too gone for him to save, the recurring nightmares and constant guilt paired with imposter syndrome.

He works a 24/72 shift, meaning he works for a whole day before getting 3 days off. Approximately only working 7-8 days a month, not to mention unpaid leave, sick days and holidays.

So it both gave him a really tight schedule on some days and on others more free time than he knows what to do with, that's why he naturally took the main role of being the kid's caretaker. Looking after his little cousins genuinely helped him and he liked playing the big brother role.

Especially to Gabi, he was the only stable adult in her life. It's common knowledge that you call Reiner first for anything concerning her before her parents because he's more likely to answer and be available.

After meeting you, his life improved to the better as you moved in and became a trustworthy person in his life, someone he can depend on to take care of his little cousins on the days he works.

Not to mention that after you persuaded him to see a therapist, his mental health began improving too.

Gabi may or may have not committed arson at one point, she still wants to be a firefighter despite that and follow in Reiner's footsteps.

He hasn't told anyone beside you this, but he really fears for her, but doesn't have the heart to tell her no.

Zeke is a doctor.

Previously he worked in a hospital but was able to open his own clinic afterwards, Colt was a great help to him at that time when he was getting on his own feet and even worked a lot of unpaid hours.

After that he insisted Colt works an official part time job there with a much higher pay, till he graduates at least. Plus the experience will greatly improve his resume.

Zeke is brilliant at his job, he'd be a perfect doctor wasn't it for the fact he's a huge hypocrite who doesn't follow the advice he gives his patients.

He does a side job in his free time that honestly no one of his friends know what it is, but they know it gained him a lot of connections and made new friends.

Something he always keeps buried inside was that he really never expected himself to become a doctor especially after what his dad did to his mother, and yet here he is. In some way it's like his own personal stepping stone to prove he's a better man than his father ever was.

Bonus:

Falco: middle schooler

He does volunteer work on the weekends, sometimes Udo joins him.

Doesn't want Gabi becoming a firefighter.

Likes all videogames , just all types.

Likes watching cartoons and medical shows with Colt who covers Falco eyes whenever an adult scene is on

His favourite food is chicken nuggets

Wants to try coffee

Is good at PE

Reads comic books

Likes yellow and blue

Gabi: middle schooler

Takes self defence classes and really wants to go to summer camp

Wants to be like Reiner, aspires to be as strong too.

Likes shooter videogames or really hard ones.

Likes watching Anime and cartoons

Her favourite food is Pizza

Wants to try energy drinks

Is also really good at PE and surprisingly good at puzzles.

Likes red and pink

Udo: middle schooler

Takes music classes at the weekend, wants to go to science camp

Kinda wants to be like Reiner or an astronaut.

Likes calming videogames

Likes watching anime and Minecraft let's play

His favourite food is mac and cheese

His favourite drink is strawberry milk

Is good at language classes and creative writing, he also just likes animals a lot.

Likes green and black

Zofia: middle schooler (could've been in a special program)

Takes music classes with Udo

Wants to be a lawyer

Likes co-op Videogames

Likes watching true crime and youtubers drama

Her favourite food is Donuts

She likes strawberry milk and ice tea

Is good at all classes

Likes white and purple

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fanmoose12 · 3 years

Note

Levi ignored the formal greetings and salutes of the soldiers he passed as he made his way through the barracks. His mind was focused on one thing and one thing only. He had to get to the infirmary.

Apparently, Hange had decided to start her experiments bright and early that day. So early that the sun had barely begun to rise. Not long after, a titan's arm broke free from its restraints and swung at Hange while her back was facing away. With no time to react, the full force of the attack had her instantly flying through the air and only stopping when her body met a wall. Levi didn't comprehend much of the details after that. He simply threw on his uniform as is, not bothering a second glance in the mirror.

He bit back a chill as he entered the courtyard, not knowing whether it was from the sudden cold winter air or from his own nerves. It was only then that he realized he had left without throwing on a coat.

When he entered the infirmary, he immediately noticed a small group of people huddled together. Hange's squad, Mike, Nanaba, and Erwin along with a nurse Levi didn't recognize. They all spoke in hushed whispers and, as if on cue, all turned to look at him. His pace suddenly slowed, an uncomfortable feeling settled in the pit of his stomach at their ominous gazes. He hesitated to approach.

After a moment, Erwin resumed speaking to the nurse and exchanged a few more words before she finally walked away. Erwin then dismissed the rest of the group as they shuffled away, avoiding eye contact as they passed Levi.

Levi swallowed the lump that formed in his throat and approached Erwin. "How's Hange?" He asked, hoping the tremor in his voice wasn't obvious.

"Levi," Erwin began, his voice stern and his jaw tight. "How long have you known about Hange's condition?"

"Just this morning." He answered.

Erwin's brow furrowed and Levi could see the wrinkles in his face. "I will ask again. How long have you known about Hange's condition?"

The question was puzzling. What kind of answer was Erwin looking for? Levi felt like a child being chastised. He was coming in blind to this whole situation, only knowing the information that Moblit had told him earlier.

"Moblit came by my room about twenty minutes ago and told me about the accident. I came as fast as I could."

Erwin's eyes stared intently at Levi, as if he was trying to look through him instead of at him. It was then that Levi noticed the small beads of sweat lining his forehead.

Levi's heart rate quickened. Something wasn't right. "Erwin, what the hell is going on?"

What was Erwin trying to get out of him? What did he know that Levi didn't? Was Hange sick? Surely he would've noticed, right? Then again, they hadn't seen much of each other recently. Hange had been busy testing a new theory involving the evaporation of titan blood and Levi had been assigned to oversee the development of the new training grounds.

She and Levi had grown close. Immensely close. Too close for Levi's comfort sometimes. They had become a bonded pair in all forms; emotionally, physically, and mentally. They knew each other's strengths and short-comings, their pet peeves and bad habits, their fears and hopes, the way each other tasted and smelled, how their bodies felt intertwined, the rhythm of each other's heartbeats. Hange had become the one thing Levi never wanted; someone to lose.

As if Erwin could sense his inner turmoil, his shoulders dropped and his eyes relaxed. "You really don't know, do you?"

"Nobody's told me a damn thing."

Erwin released a tired sigh. "Hange is alive but she suffered a concussion. The nurse wants to keep her here for a few days to monitor her once she wakes up."

"How long has she been unconscious?"

"I'm not sure but this could have been much worse. In more ways than you realize."

Levi could feel his frustration reaching its peak. "Why not just come out and tell me whatever the hell it is you're hiding?"

Erwin just shook his head. "It's not for me to tell. We'll continue this at a later time. You may see her if you'd like."

Levi decided not to further the discussion and made his way towards the room. Once his hand had reached the doorknob, he heard Erwin's voice behind him. "Levi, once you're finished, meet me in my office. We have much to discuss."

Levi's hand tightened around the doorknob. He didn't like being left in the dark but he was humanity's strongest, surely he could handle whatever news Erwin was refusing to disclose.

He shook the thought from his mind, wanting to be solely focused on Hange. He readied himself for the sight and pushed open the door.

Hange appeared natural as she slept in the hospital bed before him. Her expression was peaceful with the usual stress lines in her face relaxed. Her glasses rested on a table next to the bed with her uniform and winter coat thrown over a wooden chair. She had been changed into a hospital gown with a white bandage wrapped around her head.

"That was an extreme stunt to pull just to get some sleep don't you think, four eyes?" Levi mused.

He examined the bandage and noticed a minimal amount of blood from a scrape on the side of her head. He wasn't sure what the worry was about. Concussions were a normal injury for most soldiers, especially new recruits who were practicing with their ODM gear.

Still, Erwin had mentioned her "condition" which meant there was something Levi was missing, something he wasn't seeing.

"Sorry about this, Hange." He said as he grabbed the blanket on top of her and tossed it to the side.

Before the blanket had even touched the ground, Levi had stumbled away from Hange's bedside until his back was forced against the wall. His heart beat hard against his chest, he struggled to catch his breath and felt as if he was suffocating, his knees trembled beneath him, and his mind could not comprehend the sight before him.

Levi looked around the room as if an explanation would appear before him. He couldn't bring himself to look at her again. He was almost thankful that she was asleep.

The sight of her winter coat suddenly drew his attention. Like most things, Hange was too engrossed in her research and often careless when it came to her own health. Levi would often find her outside in the snow, watching over her precious titans, wearing nothing more than her usual brown jacket. She never bundled herself properly and always claimed she felt fine despite the obvious signs of her red nose, chapped lips, chattering teeth, and shivering body. And as expected, Levi would be the one to have to care for her when she fell ill.

Although, come to think of it, this was the first year that Hange had actually been adamant about wearing her coat. Each time Levi saw her, she had it buttoned around her, refusing to take it off even when indoors. And if he thought about it further, he realized that it always looked a size too big for her.

The realization suddenly came crashing on him as all the pieces fell into place. The air felt as if it had been knocked out of him and his head was spinning. If it weren't for the wall supporting him, he's sure he would have collapsed.

It didn't feel real. It couldn't be real.

It was stupid, he knew, the evidence was right in front of him but he just had to confirm it for himself. He looked towards her still sleeping face and then very slowly trailed his eyes down her body until he was staring at a small bump on her torso.

He steadied his knees and pushed himself away from the wall. It felt like an eternity before he was finally able to move his legs and reach her bed side. With a shaky hand and a deep ragged breath, he outstretched his arm until it rested gently on her swollen abdomen. He ignored the water stinging the corner of his eyes and forcefully blinked the sensation away.

It was as if his mind was not his own as he began to slowly stroke small circles on top of her belly. As he was getting used to the feeling, he felt a sudden pressure hit against his head. He immediately froze his movements and waited. A few seconds passed and there it was again, a small push to his hand.

He released a breath he hadn't realized he was holding and could feel his lips curve into a smile. He was feeling a kick. The being inside of Hange was making it self known to him.

He became overwhelmed with an abundance of conflicting emotions bombarding him all at once. He had so many thoughts, questions, ideas, fears. At that moment all he could do was reach for her hand and relish in the comfort of her warmth beneath his palm. He needed her here with him.

And then a new realization chilled him to his core.

She would eventually awaken...wouldn't she?

"Hange." He whispered desperately. "Please, wake up."

omg, you got me so worried!! i thought hange lost the baby, but whew! i'm so glad the baby is alright! and your writing is top notch! if you ever think of posting it and maybe adding a second part...... hmu?

#it was so intense i was at the edge of my seat! even contemplated skipping convo between levi and erwin to see how it's going to end #but smh...... now i'm so interested in what erwin is going to tell levi

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