banana-bread-writing

[banana-bread-writing]

Insecure.

Heavy tw: This is about eating disorders! Also suggestions of self harm.

The scars on my legs. Climbing up to the thighs I try so desperately to thin. A ‘stomach’, which is just a uterus. That I think, if I starve enough, will shrink and disappear. My ribs, that you can’t quite see all the time. But if I breathe in enough, they are there. A sign of failure. My neck. That from a certain, very specific angle, when I look down, could maybe, possibly, be considered a double chin, to some people. But only if you squint. Fat.

I’m fat.

My puppy’s teething. Which means he bites. He tries to grab my arms a lot. I feel his mouth wrapped around my bones. There’s no fat there. No muscle. Just skin. Skin and bone.

I find this reassuring. Like, I’m doing well. It’s sick. I know it’s wrong. It’s dangerous. What I see isn’t real. I’m ill. Yet I can’t help but feel achievement when my mum says I look skinny. I know it’s because she’s worried. And it’s not okay. But I strive for it. It means it’s working.

I get compliments from strangers. They ask how I get my figure to look so good. Of course I lie. Tell them it’s diet and exercise. But it makes me proud. Like I’m doing something right. I strive for it. It means it’s working.

I don’t even feel hungry anymore. There no pain of an empty stomach. And the numbers are going down. Weight dropping. Measurements lowering. It’s working.

But it’s not enough yet. I still look fat. My thighs are still too thick. I still have a ‘stomach’. You can’t see my ribs yet. Sometimes I might have a double chin in some people’s opinion. But only when they squint. I’m still fat.

So I will starve. I will make my mum worried. Not because I want her to be, but because it means it’s working. I will lie to strangers who compliment my figure. Not because I’m a liar, but because it means it’s working. And, hopefully, soon, it will be enough.

I won’t be fat.

#disordered eating tw #diary #poets on tumblr #free write #writeblr #new writter #written #journal #writers #writers on tumblr #writing #writing community #vent writing

[banana-bread-writing]

Salt water.

There’s salt water for my blood. I should know. I’ve been hurt before. I see you and the jellyfish in my stomach sting. Stop it Toni. He doesn’t love you.

I have these marks on my skin. Scars from shark bites. Living within my veins. I see you and the sharks circle and bite. Stop it Toni. He doesn’t love you.

Just breathe. He’s only human. Yet i still idolise you. I see you and my lungs fill with water. I’m drowning on dry land. Stop it Toni. He doesn’t love you.

This pain cuts me deep. The fear of losing what we have. The rejection before even asking. You damage the ecosystem beneath my skin. An alien species within.

I bleed the ocean. Spilling out fish and weeds. Dirty water. Tainted by your love. And now I’m empty and alone. Until the next to enter the biome inside. Forever dirty. Tainted. Salty.

#free write #writeblr #written #new writter #journey #journal #diary #writers #writers on tumblr #writing community #love story #heartbroken #heart #imagery #salt water #oceanlife #sea #i love him #fuck him #i miss him #him

[banana-bread-writing]

Messy.

TW: hits at suicidal ideation, self harm and eating disorders.

I hate the mess.

The messy hall when Kaitlyn gets home from school. Shoes on the floor, jacket hung on the banister, bag dumped wherever there’s room. I ask her to put her things away. She pulls that face she always does, rolls her eyes, and puts away her shoes. No more mess.

The messy sink before Mum gets home. Bowls from breakfast, knifes from lunch, the aftermath of whatever snack Kaitlyn had when she got home. I fill the sink and wash all the dishes. I go to ask kaitlyn to dry them but I’ve already asked her to put away her stuff, so I do it. No more mess.

The messy table after I do my college work. Ink stains on the table, paper scattered everywhere, at least one half filled mug of coffee. I put the mug in the sink and get a cloth from the cupboard. I wipe the table and get the stains out the best I can, then the paper goes away. No more mess.

The messy relationship between me and my Dad. He left, tried to make us homeless and never told me why. I never told him that it made me hate him, we both pretend it never happened. I stopped seeing him for a while but it just made it messier. Now when I see him he tells me he had missed me, he tells me he loves me and I believe him. At least a little. No more mess.

The messy future. I left school too early, don’t focus in college properly and don’t have any career plans. I tell myself I’ll do more. I try to focus harder in college and decide what university I’m going to. I decide I want to learn to drive next year and that I want to go travelling after University. No more mess.

The messy brain in my head. It says nothings real, no one likes me, I don’t deserve to be clean. I try to clean it. I shower every day and I keep the house clean. I starve out the mess, I cut out the mess, I cry out the mess. There’s nothing else I can do.

I need to stop the mess. I need to stop the mess. I need to stop the mess. I need to stop

#mental health #tw ocd #tw suicude #disordered eating tw #writing #writers #writeblr #writers on tumblr #new writter #writing community #free write #written #diary #help

[banana-bread-writing]

Dev.

I miss you. I really do. I can’t help it.

You broke me for a while. You told me you liked me the way I liked you. You said we should talk more. So I tried. I tried for you. Because I liked you the way you said you liked me. But you didn’t. You didn’t try. You didn’t like me. You just didn’t.

Then you told me you didn’t. It broke me. I’ve never felt like that before. My stomach dropped and tied in a knot and split in two all at once. My chest ached. The type of ache you can’t ignore. Then the tears. I held them until I couldn’t keep them any longer. Until they broke the dam, streaming down my face. I wanted to scream. I wanted to shout and tell everyone how much I hated you. But I couldn’t. You broke me. I had no voice. I had no one to tell. I had nothing.

But I told you it’s okay. I told you I didn’t mind. Of course we can be friends. It’s hard though. Being friends with someone you would do anything for. I wait for you when you say you want to hang out. Then you don’t any more. And I’m alone again. But it’s okay. I don’t mind.

I believe in you. You cancel every time. But I keep trying. Why do I keep trying? You don’t care. You don’t want to see me. You just don’t. It’s obvious. But I’m desperate. I try so hard to have something I can’t have. I keep trying. because I like you. I believe in you.

I just want you to like me the way I like you. But you don’t. You just don’t. And it breaks me. I have nothing. And I’m alone again. But it’s okay. I’ll just keep trying. Because I believe in you. Because I like you.

#u hurt me #ouch #why #hate u #love u #fuck u #writeblr #new writter #writers on tumblr #writing community #free write #written #writer #writing #writers #writblr #diary #heartbroken #hurt

[banana-bread-writing]

Be young.

Society has it wrong. People look down on the elderly. They desperately cling to their youth through smooth skin and bruised knees. They exfoliate, and lather on layers of paint, hiding any sign of ageing. Hiding their insecurities and putting on a mask. They inject themselves with societal praise and botulinum in hope of stopping wrinkles. Surgery after surgery. Injection after injection. Boob job. Botox. Face lift. “I will stay young.” But it’s sad really. They feel they need to look young. There is no ‘ageing gracefully’. You will never look perfect in society. So fuck it. Get old. Enjoy yourself without worrying about how you look. Laugh without the fear of wrinkles. Cry without the fear of dripping makeup. Be young.

#free write #journal #journey #written #new writter #writeblr #diary #writing community #writing #short story #ageing #society #social commentary

[banana-bread-writing]

Spring Cleaning

looking through old boxes

and the memories flash back

remembering everything you did

and the knowledge that you lacked

cleaning out a time capsule

of everything you own

reminding you of what you saw

and wanted to take home

#poets on tumblr #journey #diary #free write #writeblr #new writter #written #journal #writers on tumblr #words #poetry #poem #poet #poets #poetsandwriters #spirng #spring cleaning #cleaning #nostalgia

[banana-bread-writing]

Dad.

We sit in the car, driving back from dropping Kaitlyn off. I ask to put on ‘my music’ and play Gerry Cinnamon. I know you like him too. You just laugh and say, ‘you know i showed you Gerry’. I didn’t. We talk and laugh for a bit. You say that your worried, Kaitlyn’s been quiet around you lately. She’s been quiet around everyone lately, she just does her own thing. But you wouldn’t know that, you only see us once a week. You say that I seem so much happier now. I am much happier, life’s been easier for me. But you wouldn’t know that, you only see us once a week. You say that I’m telling you more about my life. I know I am, I never liked you much before. But you wouldn’t know that, you only see us once a week.

I get home and all I think about is how much I wish I could have grown up with you. I mean, I did. But you were different. You hurt mum. You took Sophie from her. You tried to kick us out our home. You never answered my questions. You treated me like a baby. You were awful. You’re different now. We like some of the same things. We laugh about stupid things. We tell each other what’s been going on. Why couldn’t we do that before? Why did you have to be different then? I wish I could have grown up with you. But I never.

You took away my chance to have a dad. I used to tell people I hated you. I used to make plans just so I never had to go to your house. I used to cry every time mum forced me to go. I used to wish you cared. But you never did. Not before anyway. You’re different now.

#i hate men #dad #fuck him #short story #growing up #self exploration #theraputic #emotive #writing community #words #writer #writing #artist #daddy issues #new writter #written #journey #journal #writers on tumblr #diary #free write #writeblr

[banana-bread-writing]

this is the start of my writing stuff!!

everything bellow isn’t writing, but feel free to check it out too <3

[banana-bread-writing]

just an appreciation post for mary blair who was an artist, animator and designer for walt disney from 1942 till 1953 where she did concept art for peter pan, alice and wonderland, cinderella and more movies. she also worked on the ‘it’s a small world’ ride in disneyland. her use of colours was amazing and so unique. just look at it!

AND SHE DID ALL THIS WITH RLY BAD EYESIGHT!!

icon.

#how is someone so amazing? #i honestly dont understand #shes an icon #mary blair #disney #peter pan #cinderella #alice in wonderland #its a small world #concept art

[banana-bread-writing]

“Ricky town, population... Ricky”

Ricky Baker, Hunt for the wilderpeople

#art #my art #ricky baker #hunt for the wilderpeople #great movie #fan art #v proud of this #:) #artists on tumblr

[banana-bread-writing]

you know how i drew brian? well...

i also drew mia from pulp fiction!

“three tomato’s are walking down the street...”

i’m probably gonna draw more...

that’s all, have a nice day :) x

#drawing #doodle #quaritine #art #fun #pulp fiction #mia wallace #love her #good movie #pls watch it #three tomatos are walking down the street...

[banana-bread-writing]

some really cool bands and musicians to checkout if you haven‘t already!! (˙ ͜ʟ˙) ₚₗₑₐₛₑ ₑₙⱼₒᵧ

!! Just a few really cool indie musicians and bands you should check out if that’s your kind of thing !! Or even if its not you’ll still probably like these !

- Girl In Red – very retro aesthetic, also great lesbian representation

- Chloe Moriondo – super soft girl, mostly covers but amazingly talented

- Abbey Glover – many MANY originals, angsty and beautiful songs

- Mxmtoon – Techno / retro sad girl vibes, very calming

- Mccafferty – rough and edgy, for all u eboys out there <3

- Conan Grey – similar to a retro troye sivan, also a youtuber !!

- Cavetown – soft boy, mostly sad music (youve probably heard him in  peoples remixes !!)

-Ollie Mn – sad boy with an amazing voice (also known for funny vines)

- Khai Dreams – chill vibes, very calming

- Catherine K Dong – beautiful voice, real people real places vibes

- Grandson – dark and edgy, political songs

- It looks sad – soft and dark at the same time

-Mitski – beautiful singer, marceline from adventure time covered her song ‘francis forever’

- The front bottoms – similar to mccafferty, edgy but not as rough

- Peachpit – very retro chill songs, very bass-ey songs

- Jack stauber – most known for his amazing claymation videos but his music is super interesting with a story and are very known on tiktok

- Sales – soft and sweet, sort of clear retro vibe

[banana-bread-writing]

i drew brian from breakfast club

“could you describe the ruckus, sir?”

hah

that’s all, have a nice day :) x

#drawing #doodle #breakfast club #good movie #would recomend #please watch it #brian #art

[banana-bread-writing]

ron: do you think i could fit 15 marshmallows in my mouth?

hermione: you're a hazard to society

harry: and a coward. do 20

[banana-bread-writing]